The Goonies: The Story
So, considering that this is a charming children’s adventure movie about a bunch of kids trying to save their town, opening up with a jailbreak is kind of an unusual move, but I’ll say this: at least it gets your attention.
The movie starts outside a prison, where one of the inmates, Jake Fratelli, (Robert Davi) has faked his own suicide, tricking the guard in order to knock him out and make a break for it. Outside, his brother Francis (Joe Pantoliano) and his mother (Anne Ramsey) are ready with the getaway car. Jake gets in, and Mama Fratelli peels out. The cops give chase, and the Fratellis zoom through the town of Astoria, Oregon to evade them, passing:
Andy Carmichael (Kerri Green), a cheerleader practicing on a football field…
Clark “Mouth” Devereaux (Corey Feldman) watching a car chase on television while helping his father fix a sink…
Stefanie “Stef” Steinbrenner (Martha Plimpton), washing her hair in a barrel on the pier…
Richard “Data” Wang (Ke Huy Quan), testing out his latest invention…
And finally, Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen (Jeff Cohen), enjoying a slice of pizza and a milkshake, and immediately becoming enthralled by the car-chase.
The Fratellis lose the police and get away, scot free, as the camera pans away, cutting to a big white house, in which Michael “Mikey” Walsh (Sean Astin), complains that nothing ever happens around here, making himself feel better about the sad fact that his family is moving away from Astoria. His brother, Brandon “Brand” Walsh (Josh Brolin) continues exercising, admitting that he knows how Mikey feels.
A knock at the door brings the boys downstairs, opening the door to Mouth, who immediately begins bemoaning that they’re not doing anything on “their last weekend together…last Goonie weekend”. Following him is Chunk, who begins describing the police chase to the others, but, as he has a history of telling tall tales, the others don’t buy it. Meanwhile, Data zip-lines into the house from next door, and just like that, the gang’s all here.
This is all within the first ten minutes of the movie.
I usually wait until we’re further along in the film to stop our summary, but I want to point out some of the really interesting things that happened right away, setting up almost everything about to come:
First, that opening. I pointed out how unusual it is to start off a kid’s adventure movie with a jailbreak and a police chase, but, besides setting up the Fratellis for later, it also served as a great brief introduction to a ton of characters, whose personalities we’re beginning to see fleshed out here: Data as the Gadgeteer, Chunk as the excitable boy who cried wolf, and Mouth as a kid who’s not quite as cool as he wants to pretend he is. We know all of this, got all of these characters here, found out about their houses being foreclosed on: and the movie has just started.
This is an excellent example of pacing, keeping the audience engaged without wasting any time, but furthermore, it’s also a master-class in introducing characters without it getting confusing: each kid, as he appears, brings with him the brief flash of recognition: we’ve seen him before, and we know something about them in order to help them stick. It’s a genius tactic, and the film reaps the rewards of it throughout the entire rest of the film.
As the boys bemoan their houses being foreclosed on and their inevitable move, Mrs. Walsh comes home with a new housekeeper, Rosalita, who doesn’t speak a word of English. Thankfully (or not) Mouth does, and proceeds to abuse his skill ‘translating’ Mrs. Walsh for the sake of comedy. This is a throwaway joke, yes, but it is important that he knows Spanish. Keep it in mind.
Mrs. Walsh and Rosalita depart again to do some shopping before the move, and Mrs. Walsh instructs Brand to not let Mikey outside because of his asthma.
The instant Mrs. Walsh leaves, the boys stampede up into the attic, apparently undeterred by the veto of any outdoor activities. It turns out that Mr. Walsh is the curator of the Astoria museum, and as a result, there’s all kinds of old odds and ends cluttering up the Walsh attic, some items that the Goonies think are pretty cool: pirate hats, steering wheels of old ships, swords, clothes, and other stuff. During the exploration of the attic, Mikey stumbles upon an old picture frame, inside which appears to be a treasure map. Handing the frame to Chunk (and waiting the few seconds for him to inevitably drop and break it), Mikey pulls out the parchment: the treasure map of One-Eyed Willy.
One-Eyed Willy, as it turns out, is a topic that Mikey happens to be an expert on.
Mikey tells the others the legend of One-Eyed Willy, a pirate who sailed his ship into Astoria, on the run from the Spanish Armada, where he, and his treasure, remained buried after he killed his entire crew and set up a series of traps in order to protect the treasure forever. While Mikey is telling them this story, the boys stumble upon something else: a newspaper article about a man named Chester Copperpot, who claimed to ‘have the key to One Eyed Willy’, right before he disappeared.
Before there can be much discussion on what this means, the doorbell rings, and after pocketing a doubloon that had been hidden in the same frame as the treasure map, Mikey and company go downstairs to answer the door.
At the door are two men with foreclosure papers, who drop them off for Brand to give to their father to sign before leaving, already remarking about the buildings about to go in over the Goonies’ houses.
Back inside, Mikey bemoans the fact that One-Eyed Willy’s treasure would sure be helpful in paying to keep their houses, but Brand’s not having any of it. He can’t afford to let Mikey run loose, he’d get grounded, not with his date with Andy (the cheerleader from before) coming up, which he can’t drive to because he failed his license test.
The Goonies, undeterred, jump Brand and tie him to his chair with his own exercise equipment and make a run for it, while Mouth lets the air out of Brand’s bike tires so he can’t follow them.
Some time later, Mrs. Walsh and Rosalita return to free Brand, but it’s too late: Mikey and Company are already well on their way to another Goonie adventure. Brand eventually frees himself and steals Data’s sister’s tiny pink bike to go after them. In the process, he runs into Troy, the son of one of the guys who’s foreclosing on them, with Andy and Stef. After a dangerous moment involving Troy’s establishing character moment (running Brand off the road), Brand manages to get away and continues searching for the boys.
Meanwhile, the Goonies use the map to figure out that it’s guiding them to the coast, where Mikey holds up the doubloon, finding that it’s markings (Three holes) match a trio of landmarks, concluding that they must be in the right place. Mouth translates the map, and the boys follow it up to an old abandoned summer restaurant.
As they approach it, they see two men in trenchcoats enter. Assuming this means the place must be open after all, the boys follow, continuing to count paces until they hear two gunshots. After convincing themselves that it was probably nothing and certainly wasn’t gunshots, they approach the window and peek through. Meanwhile, Chunk has spotted the car parked in the garage and recognizes it from the police chase he saw that morning: riddled with bullet holes. Realizing the danger that they’re in, Chunk starts trying to convince the others to make a run for it, but the others, knowing what Chunk is like, ignore him and drag him into the restaurant.
The Fratellis make a show of being actual employees of the restaurant (aside from Mama Fratelli threatening to cut Mouth’s tongue off, which, to be honest, he had coming), before Mikey manages to get away to look around. While wandering around the basement, Mikey pulls the map out and tries to figure out what to do next. His train of thought is interrupted by a loud roaring sound: going over to one of the rooms, he sees Jake Fratelli singing to…something, chained to a chair.
Mikey, understandably frightened, freaks and runs back upstairs, where he runs into Brand, who’s finally caught up with him. He and the rest of the Goonies are promptly kicked out by Mama Fratelli, and outside, the boys try to convince Brand to let them stay and explore. From a safe distance, the Goonies watch the Fratellis carry something out in a bag (a body-sized bag), and Chunk again tries to convince the gang to go home.
“Mikey, Mikey, come on, our parents are worried. It’s dinnertime. Why don’t we go home?”
“Home? What home? In a couple more hours, it ain’t gonna be home anymore. Come on, guys, this is our time. Our last chance to see if there really is any rich stuff. We’ve got to.”
After Mikey’s compelling speech, Stef and Andy jump out of nowhere to scare them, and just like that, the gang’s all here.
With the Fratellis gone, the Goonies head back inside the restaurant to look around, with Andy convincing Brand to let them stay so they can spend more time together. Mikey tells the others about the ‘It’ he found in the basement, and he leads the Goonies down to get a look at it. They take one look and, scared off, the kids close the door on the ‘monster’ and rush off to another corner of the basement, where they discover a secret tunnel under the fireplace. While they’re there, Data discovers a counterfeit money machine, and Stef finds a newspaper that includes the names and pictures of the Fratellis. The boys recognize them, and for the first time, get an idea of exactly how dangerous the situation is.
Chunk, feeling vindicated, berates the group for not believing him, before he’s interrupted by the smell of ice cream. Following his nose to the freezer, Chunk discovers a stash of ice cream: and also a body. This, combined with the sounds of the Fratellis arriving upstairs, send the kids into a bonafide panic. They shove the corpse back into the freezer (and Chunk too), and hide in the tunnel under the fireplace.
The Fratellis come down into the basement and notice a water-cooler that Chunk had broken. Thankfully, they think it must be the creature they had chained up, and go to investigate, giving Chunk the chance to get out of the freezer and go for the police, while the rest of the kids head into the tunnels.
Chunk manages to get out of the restaurant and out to the main road, where he flags down an approaching car, spewing everything he knows about the Fratellis: only to discover that, of course, the car is being driven by the Fratellis. They throw him in the back with a stiff (the same one from the freezer), and immediately turn the car around, heading back to the restaurant. Once there, the Fratellis begin to interrogate Chunk, with the handy assistance of a blender for incentive. Being told to spill his guts, he immediately breaks down crying and tells them that the Goonies went down into the fireplace, but the Fratellis don’t believe him. After threatening him again, Chunk, not made of the strongest stuff, immediately tells the Fratellis every bad thing he’s ever done.
Meanwhile, Andy, apparently unable to take the strain, has a minor breakdown after finding a human skeleton crushed underneath what appears to be a booby trap. After searching his wallet, the group discovers that it’s the body of Chester Copperpot: the man who said that he had the key to One-Eyed Willy. Approximately half of the group dissolve into hysterics: if an ‘expert’ like Chester Copperpot couldn’t survive, what are the odds of a handful of kids making it?
Mikey, undeterred, takes from Copperpot’s possessions a handful of candles (dynamite) and a skull-shaped key. Data, in order to make sure nobody follows them, heads to the rear to set up booby traps to make sure they aren’t followed without them knowing. Mikey accidentally sets off one of the booby traps already set by the pirate crew, and the Goonies, in what has to be the one-hundredth near-miss of the day, escape just in time. While they catch their breath, Brand accidentally startles a nest full of (fake looking) bats, which fly past them, and explode out of the fireplace in the room where Chunk is being interrogated.
Realizing that Chunk was telling the truth, the Fratellis tie him up and leave him in a room with the It, and head down into the tunnels after the Goonies, and, more importantly, the treasure, which Chunk also told them about.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Goonies continue through the tunnels into a cave with a waterfall, where the ground is covered in coins. At first, the kids are elated, thinking they’ve found the treasure, but it turns out they’re underneath a wishing well, and the coins are just loose change thrown in over the years. Aboveground, Troy and his friends, who are hanging out by the wishing well, discover that Andy herself is down there, as well as the rest of the Goonies. The Goonies persuade him to help them up via the wishing well bucket, but as they begin to make their ascent, Mikey stops them, saying that they’ve already gotten further than Chester Copperpot.
“Don’t you realize? The next time you see sky, it’ll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it’ll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the bestest stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what’s right for them. Because it’s their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it’s our time. It’s our time down here. That’s all over the second we ride up Troy’s bucket.”
The Goonies decide to press onward, and send up in the bucket Andy’s jacket instead, officially branding her a Goonie.
Meanwhile, Chunk discovers the It in the room he’s trapped with: Sloth, the Fratellis’ deformed brother. After another screaming fit, Chunk manages to throw Sloth a candy bar, a Baby Ruth that he’s had with him. In order to reach it, Sloth tears the chains binding him right out of the walls, freeing him, and then Chunk. Now released, Chunk goes to place a call to the police station to try to let them know what’s going on, but just like earlier on, Chunk’s stories have given him a reputation, and the cops don’t believe him. Chunk’s connection is lost, and after Sloth begins lowering himself into the fireplace to go after his family, Chunk, unwilling to abandon his new friend, follows suit.
In the tunnels, Mikey, Mouth and Data take another look at the map and the key that Mikey found, trying to figure out what to do next. Mouth’s translation of the words on the map lead Mikey to spot a series of rocks protruding from the tunnel. He fits the key to them, and turns it, setting off yet another booby trap. Data falls through a trap door that opens underneath him, only saved by his ‘Pinchers of Peril’. Dangling through the trap door, Data spots a new opening in the tunnel.
Once the Goonies safely move down into the tunnel, they take a break from adventuring (a break that is mostly important because Andy tries to score a first kiss with Brand. In what is the best example for why you should always do it with your eyes open, she gets Mikey instead, without realizing), which is cut short by the Fratellis, who have caught up. Now in an outright chase, the Goonies book it across a log that is suspended over a stream. Data leaves behind an oil slick from his ‘Slick Shoes’, which stalls the Fratellis while the group presses onwards into another room with a skeleton organ.
The group flips the map over to discover that there are musical notes written on the map, and luckily, Andy has taken piano lessons, though she’s a little rusty. Although she makes a few mistakes, causing the floor to start to crumble away, she manages to play it well enough to open the passage at the end of the room. The Goonies tumble through and land in a giant waterslide which drops them into a lagoon where there waits the pirate ship of One-Eyed Willy. The Goonies climb aboard and explore, uncovering one or two more booby traps, and finally, a secret room where the skeleton of One-Eyed Willy sits at a table, surrounded by tons of gold and jewels. Mikey shares a moment with Willy alone, dubbing Willy the first Goonie:
“Hi Willie. I’m Mike Walsh. You’ve been expecting me, haven’t you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece… so far.”
The crew starts loading up from everywhere except a scale, loaded with treasure at the center of the table, which Mikey tells everyone not to take from. That, he says, belongs to Willy.
Just as the kids finish stuffing their pockets, shirts, (in Mouth’s case, his mouth) and marble bags, the Fratellis enter, armed and dangerous, and force the kids onto the deck. Data, proclaiming that he won’t be taken alive, tries to fight them off with his gadgets, but ultimately, the kids are forced to turn out their pockets, shirts, and even Mouth is forced to spit out his string of pearls and handful of jewels. Mama Fratelli ties the kids’ hands together before starting to make them walk the plank, starting with shoving Andy overboard, which prompts Brand to dive in after her. Mama Fratelli next pushes Mouth and Stef (who have decided to quit arguing and bickering with each other now that they’re about to die together) out onto the plank, but before she can push them in too, Sloth and ‘Captain’ Chunk appear. Sloth rescues Stef and Mouth and then takes on the rest of his family while the rest of the Goonies untie themselves and dive overboard to make a swim for it. In unimportant and mildly related news, Brand and Andy share a first kiss, prompting them to realize that she got Mikey the first time.
Meanwhile, Sloth ties up his brothers and tosses his mother overboard, diving in after the Goonies while his mother climbs back aboard the ship and releases her sons, heading for the loot. Showing none of Mikey’s restraint, she takes some of the gold from the scales at the center of the table, triggering one last booby trap: causing the cave to start to collapse.
The Goonies head for the cave wall, using one of the sticks of dynamite to blow a hole large enough for them to squeeze through. With Sloth holding the path open so that the Goonies can get through, the kids escape, reluctantly leaving Sloth behind while he goes to save his family. One-Eyed Willy’s ship, still affected by the trap, pulls up its anchors and starts to head out of the lagoon.
The Goonies, wet and worse for wear, but safely on the beach, are spotted by a few cops (one of which is played by director Richard Donner), who call it in. Soon enough, the kids are surrounded by parents, grandparents, and various other family members (many of whom are played by actual cast members’ families), all of whom are happy that their children are alive and well, if a bit disheveled. Brand has brought Mikey home safely, Chunk’s family brings him a pizza, Data’s father, evidently as much of an inventor as he himself is, embraces his son, and Mouth and Stef make up, displaying some feelings towards each other that aren’t blatant aggression. Andy shares a heartfelt talk with Mikey, and happily prepares to head off into the sunset with Brand. Mikey apologizes to his father:
“Sorry, Dad, we had our hands on the future, but we gave it up just to save our own lives.”
Everyone’s home safe, breathing a collective sigh of relief, when the Fratellis (Sloth included!) show up.
After Chunk convinces the cops that Sloth is a good guy, the Fratellis are led away in handcuffs. Chunk tells Sloth that he’s going to take care of him now.
“Sloth, you’re gonna live with me now. I’m gonna take care of ya, ’cause I love ya.”
Just as it looks like things are winding down, Troy’s father, Mr. Perkins, (and Troy himself) show up to force Mr. Walsh to sign the foreclosure papers, completely ignoring the fact that he just now found his missing kids. Reluctantly, Mr. Walsh prepares to sign, but before he does, Rosalita, the housekeeper, stumbles upon Mikey’s marble bag, full of jewels.
Mouth manages to translate fast enough to stop Mr. Walsh from going through with it. The marble bag is emptied out, revealing enough of a fortune to save the Goondocks. Mr. Walsh tears up the papers, and One-Eyed Willy’s pirate ship, breaking free of the lagoon, floats off in the distance as the Goonies, and Sloth, gather together and cheer.
The End.
So….that’s The Goonies.
So what?
All in all, the movie, on paper, doesn’t seem very special. There’s not much by way of ‘plot’ past the initial setup. It sounds like a concept film on a roller coaster, without much in twists and turns. It moves very quickly, from scene to scene to scene (I didn’t even cover all of it), one after another in a way that progresses the story, but doesn’t really add to it. That’s not even mentioning all of the very lucky coincidences and oddities, such as the pirates building a water slide into the caves, apparently, or the fact that, throughout the story, everything just seems to work out for the main characters.
This isn’t to say that’s a bad thing.
On the contrary, the movie is an exciting, fun ride from beginning to end. But as far as the plot goes, it may be a little hard to see where the charm is in this story that seems like Indiana Jones for kids.
Here’s the thing about The Goonies.
The story is rock solid in its simplicity, in its initial setup. Four kids who care about each other very much are about to be separated, and in a desperate grab to prevent it, go treasure hunting, racing against a criminal family after the same thing for selfish reasons. The rest: Sloth, booby traps, ‘Goonies Never Say Die’, etc. is all trimmings, icing on the cake of a basic story that, boiled down to its essentials, is extremely bare-bones. Even in practice, there isn’t much added to it: there are no real character subplots that tie into the main story, just minor things: Chunk finally being believed, Data proving himself a capable inventor, Mouth and Stef’s bickering growing into mild mutual respect, even Brand and Andy’s romance doesn’t really add up to directly influence the story much at all.
But that’s the stuff we remember, almost as well as the bone organ, or the first time the kids see the pirate ship. The question is, why?
The Goonies is not a mind-blowing story. It’s very basic, with less twists and turns than many contemporary kids movies, but in the end, that’s the brilliance of it.
I don’t need a long, drawn out reason for why Mikey’s father has a map in his attic. I don’t need to know what brought these oddballs together, or where Data gets the stuff for his inventions. The movie cuts right to the car chase, introduces you to the main characters, and throws you into their plight immediately. And although the problem is more small scale than plenty of other adventure films, it’s incredibly high stakes, at least, to the main characters.
The idea of losing your home to foreclosure, while not a reality for everyone, is something that an audience can instantly relate to: you don’t want to be separated from where you are, and Mikey’s passion for staying together is such that he drags his friends into a life-risking adventure to save the Goondocks. As an audience, we understand that this is maybe a little extreme, but we go with it, because it makes sense to him, and therefore, it makes sense to us. The Fratellis are incredibly easy to grasp as villains: they do nothing but bad things (albeit often in humorous ways), including mistreating Sloth, who again, is simply presented as a victim. There are no moral ambiguities in The Goonies, no moments of decision beyond ‘go forward or quit’. Once the Goonies discover where the treasure might be, the story is launched on a forward trajectory with no signs of stopping until the very end, when, of course, the Goondocks are saved, and the Goonies themselves return safely to worried parents.
You can describe the plot in a sentence, and there’s no deviation from it: kids trying to save their homes by finding a buried treasure before a criminal family does.
And yet, it works perfectly in its simplicity. Like I said, you understand exactly why the main characters do what they do, and you understand who they are, nearly immediately. The story doesn’t need to go into explaining it, or the characters, as it goes along, merely to build upon what’s already there. That forward trajectory allows the story to always keep moving, keep pushing characters forward with chases, booby traps, lucky stumbles, and so much happening at all times that it’s easy to go along for the ride, enjoying the little moments added onto the basic premise like the wishing well scene, iconic because it directly attaches to Mikey’s goal and is a turnaround point for a few characters. Nothing changes here, but things are reinforced: the initial goal and motivations, and the decision to keep moving. When Chunk meets Sloth and follows him into the tunnels, nothing feels like it’s changing, exactly, except his actual physical movement, going forward instead of retreating.
There is no ‘switching gears’ in The Goonies. Everything pushes forward, building until the climax, and the near instant the goal is achieved, the movie is over. We don’t need to see, (as much as we might like to) Sloth moving in with Chunk, or Data’s next invention, or Brand and Andy’s relationship’s next step, or even Mikey’s next Goonie adventure, because that story is over. We can close the book on these kids, and although sometimes it’d be nice to know what happened to them years later, we don’t need a winddown of a conclusion. All we need to know is that they kept their houses and stayed together.
Again….why?
Why do we care so much about these kids? It’s not like they changed, or grew as people. There’s no ‘Hero’s Journey’ for Mikey, he gets what he wants and throws away his inhaler. He never changes goals, never overcomes a character flaw. If most good stories are dictated by dynamic characters who change, it seems like The Goonies falls flat.
From beginning to end, the characters in The Goonies seem to end the film the exact same way that they started: Mikey’s an idealistic leader, Mouth’s a loudmouth, Data’s an ‘absent-minded professor’ type, and Chunk is a boisterous, easily-panicked kid. There are subtle differences, sure, like Chunk becoming a braver person and Data proving his inventions, even Mouth settles down a little, but for the most part, there’s no arc, no beginning, middle and end, no big changes that show what all has happened and how it affects each one of them.
Because it doesn’t have to.
We care about these kids because they, and the story, are simple, without being stupid, and easily grasped. Everything in this film is tailored for quick accessibility: grab an idea and move on so we can play with it. As I pointed out with the initial chase scene: instantly, you have an idea of what’s going on, and who each character is. With that in mind, especially with an ensemble cast, ‘character arcs’ don’t matter quite as much.
You can have good stories without good character arcs. Back to the Future is a great example of a protagonist who doesn’t change, but is within a deeply compelling narrative, and in the end, that’s the secret. The plot for The Goonies is deeply compelling, because we as an audience like these kids and don’t want them to lose their home. We want them to stay together, whether it’s from Stand By Me-like nostalgia for old friends, or feelings towards friends we have right now. The goals are rock-solid, and after that, the story is too.
I’m not talking about things like the skull carved into the cave face: I’m talking about the forward trajectory. Every single story beat henceforth is tight and fast-paced, each scene sliding right into the next without any real breaks. It’s a waterslide in its own right, full of excitement and consistent characters and goals, with understandable stakes and villains, and in the end, when the kids make it home safe, achieving their goal by the skin of their teeth, we cheer with them.
As it turns out, the recipe for successful filmmaking isn’t always ‘thought provoking plot + well rounded, dynamic characters’. Sometimes the way to make a good film is ‘simple, interesting plot + simple, likeable characters’.
With that in mind, The Goonies is 100% a classic.
There is a reason that this movie stuck, and it all revolves around the streamlined simplicity of its design. With so little ‘fluff’ getting in the way of the main conflict, the film is free to devote its entire focus to these goals and these characters reaching them. Thanks to this single-minded drive, the film is memorable in everything: iconic characters, great lines, wonderful setpieces, with no part being overshadowed by all of the rest.
It’s not hard to see why this movie became such a milestone for so many. It resonates with people who can find themselves in a specific character or plight, whether children themselves or considerably older, who can allow themselves to be sucked along for the ride and believe, for just a little while, that there’s still such a thing as pirate treasure.
And it’ll continue to resonate for decades to come.
Thanks so much for reading! If you enjoyed it, please stay tuned to join us for the remainder of our study of The Goonies. Don’t forget that my comment box is always open. Thank you guys so much for reading, and I’ll see you all in the next article!
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Title: Chilling the Fuck Out (or, listen to women and quit worrying about your spouse because he's gonna be fine)
Rating: PG-13, if only for a certain someone’s potty mouth and brief mentions of sex
@beccaylaa
Stefan's hands shook as he fumbled with the paperback book. It was Carmilla, an ironic choice of literature for Ewa and her two wives to have on their bookshelves. He threw the book down on the coffee table and stood up from the chair he'd been sitting in.
"Fuck everything! I can't handle this," he growled. He started pacing in front of the three women lounging on a couch. "What the hell are they doing to Ash?! I-I can't fucking contact him! Our mind-link is severed!"
"Stef, chill," Constance demanded. "The High Court only has a few questions to ask him."
"It's been three days, and you're not helping," Stefan snapped. He sighed heavily. “Fuck, he should not have joked about getting kidnapped from work!”
"You've survived without his mental link before," Ewa pointed out. "Besides, brother, it's not like he's straight up abandoned you! He only has to answer questions for some bigwig elves. He's going to be fine."
"Those aren't just fucking bigwigs! These people oversee every goddamn activity done by elves, and he's distantly related to one of the most dangerous women to escape from their maximum security cell!" Stefan exclaimed.
"That's why I said they only have a few questions to ask him," Constance said. "It's been three days because Vanis's younger sister has a lot of descendants - your husband slash walking blood bank among them."
Stefan silently objected to the 'walking blood bank', but kept his mouth shut. He wanted to punch the nearest wall in frustration, but Ewa would murder him. He continued to pace, this time circumventing the circumference of the living room instead of walking in front of Ewa, Constance, and Madge.
At several intervals, he passed through what felt like cold spots. After the fifth one on his second trip around the room, he spoke up.
"Constance, can you dismiss these damn ghosts?!"
"No," she replied flippantly. She paused, almost as if someone invisible was talking to her. "They think your behavior is hysterical."
He stopped and stared at her, fuming. Ewa choked back a laugh.
"Stefan, listen," Madge finally spoke up. "Your mind-link with Ash is still present. However--"
Stefan opened his mouth to interrupt, but Constance beat him to the punch.
"Let her finish talking or I’ll break that seal preventing your former wife from haunting your house," she warned.
Stefan closed his mouth.
"--as I was saying, you're not severed from Ash, but the magic surrounding the building's interior and exterior is smothering it," Madge continued calmly. "If you were actually severed from him, you would know."
"I feel like I've been severed from him!" Stefan complained. "What if they're torturing him?! What if--"
He didn't get a chance to finish. A strong slap to the face made him lose his balance and fall, crashing into a delicate end table and taking it down to the floor with him. He lay dazed on the carpet, surrounded by cheap knickknacks and his cheek stinging to seven hells. When the stars cleared from his eyes, Madge was standing over him. She held out a hand to help him up.
"Are you all right, darling?" she asked softly.
Stefan grabbed her hand and she hauled him to his feet. He stared at her. The two of them were not particularly tall individuals. Madge was barely taller than him when not wearing heels, and she just delivered one of the hardest slaps he'd ever encountered in his undead existence.
"I'm fine," he replied.
"Liar," Ewa countered. "You owe me a new table too, jerk."
"Babe, stop," Madge told her. "I'll buy you a new one." She looked back at Stefan. "Do you remember anything I said before I hit you?"
"Ash is fine?" Stefan replied.
"Yes, he's going to be fine," she said. "If he's not, I'll march in there myself and give them hell."
"I can definitely count on you to do that," Stefan said sincerely. He looked at Constance. "Are you able to have some ghosts spy inside the building the High Court resides in?"
Constance shook her head. "Nope. Sorry, Stef. Madge showed me some of the wards on the inside of that place, and they definitely have spells to combat ghostly surveillance."
"Damn it," Stefan said softly.
"The best thing to do is wait," Constance stated. She shrugged nonchalantly. "You can have your reunion sex when he gets back."
"Constance..."
"What? You can fret over him when he gets back!"
"...That's not what you originally said," Madge interjected awkwardly.
"Whoops, my bad."
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