cazinski-blog

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Timmy, my beautiful boy. You were the first to make me laugh. You are a loving, loyal, and very happy dog. You always knew when I needed you. You always came when I cried. Your love was so unconditional. You always kept me in sight. You saved my life many times.

I will love and miss you every day. I will miss thowing the ball for you. I will miss playing catch you with the blower. I will miss you always greeting me when I came home. I will miss you always coming to the studio with me, I will miss that all I had to say was studio and you would run straight there. I will miss playing ball in the hallway on wet days. I will miss playing hide and seek with you. I will especially miss you sitting by my chair every evening comfy on your mushion. I will miss you coming for a swim with me and loving being in the pool area.

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I hope Stef is awake at 4am worrying about me. I hate what she did to me. I wish she and the rest of my family would just stay out of my thoughts. They upset me so much.

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21 November

I wake remembering the nights just after Tasha died, when I would wake up at 2amish an go into the lounge to cry by myself. Mitch would come and try to comfort me. I would pretend that it helped to help him. He also needed comfort. But I was just broken and nothing could fix me

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Today, I decided to end my life. I didn't ask to have PTSD. This was done to me. I have always tried to be kind, considerate and generous. But this has proved not good enough. I have lost my family because cunt raped me and it was easier to ignore me who wasn't there than support me. I told my father in 2014, but he never told anyone or did anything. At least mum had the courage to see what I was saying was true, when I eventually told her.

I was never good enough at school, always being the kid who was not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough. Other girls were always convincing Annette not to be my friend, and while she always came back to me. I always felt that I had to be better than the best just so she would be my friend. Today is the 20th November and Annette has not returned the call I made to her in February for her birthday. This is a prime example of how I will not be missed when I am gone.

I have previously explained both Mitch and Stef, so I cant go there again.

Nobody calls me, Nobody contacts me. Other than Gary, Thea might miss me, but as she has only known me for less than two years, I doubt that my not being here will be a big issue.

Gary will be devastated, but I have seen husbands go through this before. It won't be long before some single mum down at the cricket club makes him happy again, and he will have all the assets I leave behind. That will compensate.

So, all in all, nobody will be dramatically affected by my death.

Sure, there are many who wiĺ be sad for a short while, but on the whole, the world won't care.

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12 November

The pain doesn't go away. Do I have enough drugs to not wake up, I think I might, but I am unsure. What will happen if I try. Would it be worse, I doubt it. Could I make to Ketamine work for me. No, if I fuck that up I will be off the treatment. Is an overdose of the morphine with sleeping tablets do it. I think I will google it.

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6 November.

I am just filled with such a deep sadness. I want to curl up into a ball and just be left alone forever. People hurt me.

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5 October

I thought offering what I thought were great Christmas presents was a nice thing to do

Teagan rebuffed every offer I made. When she rebuffed 'wicked' that her sister in law and mother were going to see, and she expressed intrest in, I was very hurt. I cried on the way home from lunch and when Mitch asked if I wanted to talk I said no. I did not want to embarrass Teagan. When we got home i excused myself and went to bed, I was feeling drained.

When I got up Mitch said I had sulked for long enough and did I now want to talk about it. So I told them that I felt hurt because nomatter what I tried I was rebuffed by Teagan. I even said that I appreciate that Teagan could say no to me, but I was feeling hurt. Mitchell then demanded an apology to hi.for my behaviour on his birthday. He saactions have consequences and that includes reactions. He told me to apologise or fuck off out of his house.

I tried to explain that I was hurt, but he wasn't prepared to listen. He even told me there was a flight home today. I asked if he hated me that much and he said dont change the subject. I had to apologise unreservedly. I am in so much pain. I think Mitch should support his girl every time, but all I was trying to do was fina wonderful Christmas gift for them and nothing was good enough.

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28 September 23

Love conquers all. What a load of shit. No wonder people are so fucked up, with so much media telling us such bullshit.

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16 August 23

When you died, I didn't feel. I was numb. Your death had taken me to a new place. A place that I didn't know and didn't understand. My world had changed. My heart broken.

There is a big difference between seeing things like this happen on TV and it actually happen to me.

You are not always with me, but your death is.

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Hey sweetie, words can not express how sorry I am for letting you down. You decided to take your life and be finished with it all. And as your mother, I should have been there for you. I wasn't, and that was on me. There has not been an hour since that my heart has not hurt. Such pain I cannot cope. I miss you every day. I love you always.

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7 May 23

I really wanted to talk to you. Stef was being so mean to me in the mornings that she was making me cry. I wanted to talk to you about it. I wanted to tell you that I knew how mean she was being to you at the dinner table, not letting you talk, but I just didn't know what to do about it. I wanted to talk to you because I hoped we could come up with something together. You were my bright one. I knew something was wrong with you and tried not to add to your troubles, but I really needed you to talk to and when you said you would not be home for dinner, I was so upset. But I didn't want you to see the hurt in my eyes, so I didn't look you in the eyes. I missed your hurting. I am so sorry. I kissed your damp cheek and wondered why it was damp, but didn't ask. Oh my beautiful girl, why didn't I. Fuck I hate myself.

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2 march 23

Today I posted of some of Tashas ashes and all her hair that I still had. It was really hard. The lady at the post office asked if I wanted additional insurance. How can money replace the last lock of her hair. It was really hard to let go. If something goes wrong, then its gone. I have lost so much, I really can't afford to lose this.

I suppose I worry unnecessarily, it should go ok.

It is so hard to keep losing Tasha. I

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What do I do??

I have always looked forward to getting my eternity ring. I wanted one just like my mums with diamonds representing my daughters and a sapphire for my son.

Now one of my daughters is dead and the other has become estranged. My son and his partner are not intending to have children, so who is going to treasure my ring like I treasure my mothers. What is the point.

I thought about using my old engagement and wedding rings, including the diamond for Stefanie. But I actually really love that ring, but again I have nobody to give them to, so what do I do.

I was going to have a diamond made from Tashas ashes for her diamond, but it is very expensive and I don't have a line to pass the ring down, so what is the point.

I just don't know what to do.

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18 feb 23

Love and Justice, the greatest standby in songs and stories, has little hold in reality

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11 January 2023

Tasha, you would have turned 28 yesterday. I so wish I could have given you a hug. For so many, such a small thing, for me a couple of hours of tears.

Christmas time was both difficult and wonderful. Your sister and the rest of my family continue to hurt me. But Mitchell is my rock, Teagan is also a great support. We spoilt them as best we could and also Jordan.

I hate that I am getting used to life without you. I miss you every day.

I spoke to Annette M and she was telling me about Heather and her baby, I am pleased for her, but it kills me. I wonder if you would be a mother now. I wonder how you might be. I wonder how we all might be. All I ever wanted was my little family to be happy. What did I do so very wrong.

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December 20th 2022

Well your plan to hurt me worked. You gave the artworks that you had been given to Marion to return to me. Yes, it bought it all straight back. All the hurtful things you have said and done and as as been your habit, your timing always seems to be just when I am ok. I hope you are proud of yourself. In the end, it will always remain that you hit me.

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November 17th 2022

Soke to Annette Brown today. She told me she seen Stef at Bens place.

After Stef left, Ben told Annette that Stef was now cancer free. SURPRISE.

I think I said at the time that she was not 'dieing'. Maybe it was all that unconditional love that her aunts were able to give her, that I wasnt, that made all the difference.

Stef is my daughter and I will always love my children, but I dont like her and have come to realise that I have not liked her for a long time.

She has used and abused my love for a long time and I am content not to have her in my life.

Stef has very much confused hurt with anger and has since Richard died. Stef will continue to hurt those around her until she realises this and allows herself to just be sad about the deaths of Richard and Tasha.

Maybe then she will stop lashing out at those around her, both at work and home. I really feel for Phil, he is in for a hard ride and I don't think he will take it forever. I also think Stef may leave him because of something she decides he does is wrong.

Teagan put it well today when she said everything stef does is by her own decision.

And as for the rest of my family and their double stanards, again I am content not to have them in my life.

My relationship with Mitchell and Teagan grows stronger and I am making a life for myself in Queensland.