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obsessive-ego · 4 years ago

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Just go with it part 2

Musical beetlejuice x reader

You have to meet juno and pretend you and bj are getting married

Nsft sorta, mentions of activity

Part 1

"Babes"

....

"Sugar"

...

"Y/n"

...?

"Y/n wake up, come on babes"

...!

"Beej?" You mumble rubbing your eyes "what's wrong?" You say in a whisper.

He doesnt respond, you turn on the lamp by your bed and check your phone clock

5:42am

You sigh, looking back at the demon, now being able to see him clearly, you freeze upon seeing that the demon was now completely purple, his hair, his beard, his tie, all deep purple.

"What's wrong?" You ask again, more fear in you voice then intended

"Okay y/n" he starts, using your name rather then a pet name was never a good sign "so you remember a few nights ago when that suit came by to see if I was lying about our relationship?"

"He's back?!" You sit up, more awake "wait... wasnt the repercussion to that not that bad? Just some extra work for you?"

Beetlejuice rubs his neck "yeah, thing about that, it's not him... my mother is here, to talk to you personally..." he trails off refusing to look at you

"Your mother...." you repeat feeling your stomach drop

"Yeah..."

"What's gonna happen if she finds us out?" You ask in a whisper

"...who knows with her" the demon spits before looking away.

The two of you remain in silence over the shit beetlejuice has gotten you into it.

Beetlejuice huffs out his nose as his focus goes back to you.

"So y/n, I mean honey~" the demon pulls you up from your bed and into a side hug "ready to meet mommy dearest?" Beetlejuice tried to smile, make light of the situation, but his hair betrayed him, remaining a deep purple, even though he tried his best to plaster a grin across his face for your sake.

You didnt know much about Beetlejuice's mother, other then she didnt exactly win mother of the year, beej only opened up about her a handful of times, long story short, you knew this was gonna be a rough experience for both of you, but mostly Beej.

Beetlejuice drops his jacket around your shoulders, pulling the same ring he gave you to fool the suit, the same tacky, pretty ring, the band was black and white, and resembled a snake, the gem was a brilliant green, your heart swelled at the sight of the ring.

The ghoul drops on one knee, and gently slides the ring onto your middle finger, pausing to kiss your hand before giving you wink, under different circumstances you would die from such a cheesy romantic gesture, but now was not that time, you did appreciate beetlejuice trying to lighten the mood.

"Alright honey, you remember the drill?"

"Yes"

"That's my future wife, let's not keep the bitch waiting" he smiles linking arms with you

Future wife...

You couldnt help but give the ghoul a soft smile at the thought.

Beetlejuice takes a deep breath, smoothing his hair back, wiping the purple away in favour of his default green.

The demon grabs your hand begins to lead you to your living room, you could barely focus over the sound of your heart pounding, who could blame you, you were about to come face to face with someone Beetlejuice was afraid of.

As the two of you head down the hall , she was finally in sight, you felt your stomach drop, in your recliner sat an old woman, dressed completely in red, she had a permanent scowl across her face, her whole presence give off a bad feeling.

"Lawrence, you took your sweet time fetching your fiance" she barked causing beetlejuice to flinch

"Ya know breathers, they like their sleep-" he forces a laugh, purple slowly creeping back into his hair

"Nonsense, it's nearly 6am, that's more then a reasonable time for breathers to wake and start their pointless routines" she waves off, beetlejuice frowns and leads you to the couch, where the both of you sit.

"Its been awhile huh Ma? Like I was saying earlier, it's nice to see you again and-" beetlejuice was babbling

"Zip it" was all she said and beetlejuice clamped his mouth shut and gazed down staring at his feet. "Lawrence, I didnt come here for pointless pleasantries" her eyes meet yours "y/n l/n I dont know what Lawrence has done to you or promised you, but I can assure you he doesnt care about you, and just wants freedom, further more Lawrence, do you honestly think this breather could love you? This game of yours needs to come to an end, there is alot of paper work tied up in this farce of yours"

You were taken back by her words, she really didn't beat around the bush.

"I dont-" you start, voice trembling

"Ma, y/n loves me and I love them, see~" beetlejuice grabs your hand to show his mother the ring, she eyes the ring for a moment, then goes bad to staring daggers into her son, her scowl never faltering.

"Tacky" she huffs, a simple response like that was enough to shut her son down, beetlejuice pulled away from you, pressing his back firm against the couch, lips pressed shut and hands clamped together in his lap.

"As I was saying, Lawrence is a natural born troublemaker, and youd be smart to back out of this farce before he gains life, knocks you up with a life ruining disappointment, and vanishes from your life" she droned as she lights a cigarette, taking a deep inhale, smoke shooting out from her neck.

You swallow hard.

"I would prefer if you didnt smoke in my house, ma'am"

Juno stares at you for a moment, then shakes her head as she puts out her cigarette on your coffee table.

"Ma'am I really do trust beetlejuice, and I love him, this isnt a farce-" you began, but your words were ignored

"If you want to throw yourself into a mess, I wont stop you, I'm not here to save you, but I have to applaud his efforts on tricking someone LEGAL this time for his little game. Even though this mess of yours is going to keep him out of my way for awhile, it doesn't cover the fact that Lawrence's efforts have caused my office nothing but work. And even if this "love" was real the boy ruins everything thing he touches, cant do anything right, having him around only causes headaches, you'll see soon enough y/n," Juno's hurtful words drone on, as if her son wasnt sitting across the table from her.

"Back to the matter, even if you do choose to marry this fool, I wanted to warn you about the mess your getting yourself into, giving him life would only cause you grief, and I dont want to hear it when you get to the netherworld after a suicide his actions caused"

You grit your teeth at that last remark, you knew juno thought poorly of beetlejuice, but did she honestly thing her son was so awful that youd kill yourself over his actions, you felt like you were going to be sick.

"Lawrence, why is your hair purple?"

You glance over to beetlejuice, who infact was completely purple, the deepest purple you've ever seen him wear.

Beetlejuice bites down on his lip, his hands clenched in fists as they sat on his thighs, he was frozen.

"Bee?" You gently whisper as you slowly place a hand on his, the ghoul flinches at your touch, beetlejuice slowly takes your hand in his and gives it a light squeeze.

"Come on Ma, y/n my be dramatic, and get mad at me from time to time, but they'd never kill themselves over anything dumb I'd do, and hell we already talked it over, we dont want kids" the ghoul leans into you for support.

Juno scowls "to remind you both, I'm not here to stop you two, the only thing I'm here for is to warn this foolish breather, and double check to make sure YOU arent mucking about and blackmailing the living again, there is a lot of paper work involved in this little game of yours, and you still havent delt with the paper work of your failed marriage and death by the hands of that poor child you tricked" her eyes narrow down to beetlejuice, juno pauses, then sighs

"Lawrence just come clean, this little game of yours has gone on long enough, even if you didnt blackmail this poor soul into marrying you, do you honestly think they love you? You dont actually think this breather wants you around do you?"

"That's not true, I do-"

You werent able to finish that sentence, with a snap of juno's fingers your mouth is now cover with a strip of duct tape.

"You've honestly fooled yourself into thinking you could be loved didnt you? Pitiful, maybe this breather found you amusing now, but you dont think it's going to last do you?" Her questioning goes on, she was convinced her son was unlovable, you tug away at the duct tape but it refuses to budge, beetlejuice was too focused on his mother's words, to the point where he was starting to believe her, the purple slowly faded from him in favour of white, a color you've never seen on him.

"Lawrence you're little game is over, and you're going to clean up the mess you made, I have a decade's worth of paper work for you to fill out over this farce and every other little issue you caused, I knew from the start this was fake, no living person in their right mind would let you into their life willingly"

A decade's worth of paper work?! Was that so important that she was willing to manipulate her own son into thinking he was worthless?

"Lawrence you are such a screw up, the amount of work your little games keep giving me is coming to an end, you will never be alive, you will never be loved, let alone tolerated, and you are coming back to my office to straighten up ever little issue you have caused, if you think being invisible for a millennia is bad-" she raises her voice with each hateful word.

This duct tape wasnt going to budge, so you went with plan B, you roughly bump into the demon's side to get his attention, beetlejuice looking your way, your eyes grow wide at his expression, he was crying, black gooey tears. The two of you stare at each other what felt like an eternity, Juno's voice no longer reached him, beetlejuice snaps his fingers and the duct tape vanishes from your mouth.

You jump up from you position on the couch "I'm sorry ma'am but bee- Lawrence isnt worthless, and yes, he can be an ass, and insensitive at times, but I love him and I really do want to marry him! And whatever stupid paper work that is tied up in this, can just fuck off..." your voice tweaks as the ghoulish women sitting across from you stands up, eyes dead set on you.

You werent great with confrontation, and beej knew this, but here you were talking back to his mother, you his tiny sweet breather talking back to a literal monster. The white from Beetlejuice's hair quickly left in replacement to pink 'I really do want to marry him!' Those words from your lips could have made his heart start beating , tho that was shortly lived when he saw this mother stand, purple took hold of his form once again.

He couldnt let you fight his mistakes alone, though he found it hot that you could be his knight in shining armor.

No, beetlejuice is quick to jump up and link his arm with yours "see ma, this little breather stole my heart, and hell, we've been planning our little wedding for months" beetlejuice snaps his fingers and in a flash his and yours clothes change. Beetlejuice wore a red tux made with crushed velvet, with a lacy front, his whole outfit screamed tacky, but that was him. Looking down at your self, you stifle a laugh, here you were, 6:30am, dressed in a red puffy lacing monster of a dress, in all honesty this wouldnt be your first choice, but now was not that time. Beetlejuice pulls you close, you could swear he could hear how hard your heart was pounding, could you blame yourself? He looked so handsome all dressed up, even if this was fake.

"My, my Lawrence, doesnt that dress look familiar, isnt that the dress you forced that poor child to wear the last time you played this game?" his mother sneers

"Its called a call back, and y/n loves it" he sneers back you nodded in agreement, beetlejuice continues "we're still working on a venue, trying to find a band, believe me, planning a wedding is exhausting, and oh! dont be surprised if your invite gets lost in the mail ma" the demon gives a shit eating grin, you smile seeing beetlejuice has gained SOME confidence back.

"I have no interest in attending your little wedding Lawrence" she spat "it's clear you're not going to budge, and still refusing to take responsibility for your actions, you always were a slacker, and if that's the case, once you die again you will be returning to my office to deal with the mess you made" her focus turns to you "or I could end this little charade by killing your ticket to life"

Your heart stops at her words, she was a demon, Beetlejuice's grip tightens on you, the silence must have been hurting him as much as it did you.

"But I wont, itd be too much a hassle ending a life before it's time"

You sigh in relief, and beetlejuice loosens his grip.

"This will end poorly for the two of you, and I dont want to hear it" juno walks past the two of you, and with a gesture of her hand the livingroom wall opens up to reveal an office full of the dead.

"Lawrence before you join the living I need to deal with one last errand, so I will see you later, and you" Juno's boney finger points to you "you have no idea what you've signed up for" and with that she was gone, the wall closes up as if nothing happened, the two of you collapse on the floor

"Shes gone" you sigh, you've never been more scared in you entire life then you were talking to Juno

"So you like your future mother in law?" Beej jabs you side

"Oh yeah, a delight" you snort, "how long do you think we have before she notices we havent gotten married?" You tone shifts to a more serious note

"No clue, guess you'll actually need to marry me now" he pulls you into a side hug

"What?" You stammer, beetlejuice laughs at your response

"HA! Just pulling your chain there doll, theres no way in hell she's coming back to check, if I know that Bitch shes going to file away those papers for me, there's no way she'll let them just sit there for who knows how long, and this time next week she'll be harping about something else" beetlejuice stands up and pulls you up with him as he sees you struggling to move in that dress, as you raise to your feet you mumble a thanks.

"You know beej, you really do clean up good, I mean, you look very handsome all dressed up" you smile, now that that two of you were safe, you felt it was the right time to say it.

The purple in the ghoul's hair quickly vanishes at your kind words and is replaced with pink.

"Well you know doll, the tux suits me, but it looks even better on the floor, you'll see on our honeymoon~"

"Is that so?"

"Dont believe me? I'll show ya right now baby~" the ghoul pulls you close pressing his chest against yours, as fun as this little exchange was it came to a halt when you yawned.

"What a way to start a weekend, early and terrified, I think I'm gonna get a few more hours of sleep" you grumbled rubbing your eye "you mind helping me out of this dress?" Beetlejuice goes wide eyed at your question, in a flash his hands were groping for the zipper on your back.

"Naughty minx" he purrs before you swat his hands away

"I ment with magic" you breath out, you may be tired, but your genitals were now wide awake.

Beetlejuice grumbles as he snaps his fingers bringing you back into your pajamas and him in his suit.

"Thank you, I guess this wouldnt be good night, see you in a bit" you shrug as you head to your bedroom to get a few more hours of sleep, you glance back at beetlejuice, who was purple once again, you frown

"Beej do you want to sleep with me? I mean you dont need to sleep, I just thought maybe, you wouldnt want to be alone right now?" After seeing his mother maybe he could use some comfort.

There was a long silence as the demon only stares back at you, you panic

"I'm sorry, that was stupid, I'll just, uh, see you in-" you babble as you spin in your heels eager to get away from this embarrassing situation. Before you could hide away in your bedroom you feel the dicey grip if the demon's hand on your shoulder, and in a deep gravely voice he purrs

"Isn't it normal for a husband and wife to sleep together?~"

you honestly felt a shiver run up your spine.

The ghoul, now only in a pair of boxers has now cuddled up to you his legs intertwined with yours, his arms wrapped around your waist, hand rubbing up and down your back, and head nuzzled into your chest, the demon now pink, purred feeling your hands scratching his scalp, his mother was wrong, you did love him, truly and unconditionally, maybe not now, but soon, he will marry you.

Bonus

It's been days since you met his mother, and it seems like beetlejuice has been back to stop caring about it, but sometimes you see him just staring off into space.

The ghoul had only one thing on his mind, replaying the memory over and over, of you shouting "I REALLY DO WANT TO MARRY HIM!"

#beetlejuice x reader #muscial beetlejuice x reader #rambling

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deansawthetvglow · 4 years ago

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eternal skyline of a spotless mind- or the one where the first 5 or so minutes of 15x20 are the only minutes i accept.

in which i ramble a whole ficlet on accident and y’all i need the full fic. yes there’s a tinnnny bit of smut. also spn 15x20 spoilers slightly

now i want the fic where dean applies to be a mechanic, gets the job, does real good. he and miracle live in the bunker, sam and eileen moved out a year ago now to follow a job opportunity for eileen. it’s a big place to be alone in. he keeps watching over and over all of the movies he has in a file entitled ‘cas’ favourites’ he sips whiskey, a responsible amount, and pets miracles head while his head is on his lap. sometimes he dives into the lore, he’s glad sam isnt here to give him shit about finally doing his research, but he’s trying to find a way to cas. to save him. and one day he tries to mix up a spell thatll open a portal into the dark nothing and his ingredients sputter and spark and he thinks it’s gonna work this is it, and it just doesnt. the smoke clears, the sparks stop popping, and there’s nothing. and so that night he goes into the dungeon draped in one of cas’ old trenchcoats and he sits in that spot he had to sit years ago and he cries, and miracle sits beside him and he cries because he’s trying he’s trying to live for love he’s trying to do right by cas and he just....he cant...cas died thinking dean didnt...didnt love him. and god, does dean love him. so he cries and he whispers iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou and he falls asleep on the concrete, uses miracle as a pillow but dean doesnt think he minds. and he wakes up in the morning, eyes puffy, and he drags himself to work, and he’s back to square one. and this continues for a while, dean doesnt really remember when he tried the spell, but it’s been a while. a month, maybe more. and he goes into work, and there’s a new car for him to work on. it’s old, a classic, but dean kinda thinks she’s more junk than classic, sue him, and he starts working on it, and he opens the trunk to pop a particularly stubborn dent out of it, the client’s not paying for that but he just can’t let the car be driven around all beat up, and there, right in the trunk, is a trenchcoat. bundled up, and tan and big and dean grabs it, he shouldnt but he does and his heart is beating so fast as he brings it to his nose and smells it and it’s cas it has to be and so he rushes to the front office, demands to know who the client is, when are they coming by and as he’s going completely wild wanting to know everything it suddenly goes calm. because there, in a worn flannel and blue jeans, is cas. castiel. and dean just looks for a moment, to convince himself its real, and then hes rushing to a wide eyed cas and saying ‘you stupid son of a bitch’ and crashing his lips into those ones which he has wanted for and then cas isnt really kissing back so dean stops because he...he cant take anything more from cas, he needs to give and he...he stops himself because what if...what if this wasn’t what cas wanted, so he pulls back, lets his hands linger on the soft of the flannel, and then cas is speaking, head quirked, ‘do i...do i know you?’ and fuck. his heart drops right out of his ass. his knees buckles and hes on his way down when castiel catches him, pulls him up, hand on his shoulder, and he holds on to him. and dean lets out a ‘you don’t remember?’ and castiel says, ‘no. i...i dont i’m so sorry.’ and dean thinks all hope is lost until cas asks, ‘i know this is too much to ask but it...appears i know you, and i kind of just, woke up one day in a field and i...i dont really have anywhere to go..and um’ and hes rambling but he’s determined to get his little angel back, all the way back, so he says, ‘you wanna come home with me, angel?’ and cas grins and dean wants to see that grin everyday of his life. so he finishes cas’ car, lets him trail behind as they drive to the bunker. he doesn’t explain it really, just opens the door and says ‘well, heres the place’ and cas walks in and looks at everything with such wonder. and he brushes his fingers across the gold embossing of an angel on one of the books there and dean just watches, listens to cas breathing, aches to touch.

he sets cas up in his old room, cas quirks a head when he sees all the suits and ties in the closet, says something like ‘now i understand why i woke up looking like a tax accountant’ and hes being good old cas, sticking so close to dean and he’s sitting beside him to watch a movie and miracle is sprawled across their legs and cas says, ‘i could get used to this’ and dean says, ‘yeah cas, me too.’ so they sit and they watch and they repeat that day in day out and the bunker isnt so lonely anymore, and he and cas do everything together, and dean researches spells to get cas’ memory back. he thinks it has to do with the fact that his grace got ripped out in the process, theres a small nick on his adams apple that he recognizes as the place it must have left, but he coughs himself out of thinking about that neck and those lips and that hair and those thighs and- he hasnt kissed cas since the first day, he longs to. he sees the way this cas looks at him and he wonders. he wonders if maybe...maybe this castiel can learn to love him again. and it’s going on a year now. cas works down at the local flower shop and has an apiary on the hill above the bunker, deans still in his same routine of life, and they’re not...they’re in the same place they were before cas confessed. just, in this middle ground, this unspoken something, so as he lies beneath a car he decides, the happiness isnt in the having its in just being in just saying it, so he goes home that night, picks up flowers from a competing shop bc he doesnt wanna spoil the surprise, and sets up the table. cas’ name is still carved there, cas had laughed when he first saw it because “what kind of long name is that,” and dean was bursting with fond. and anyways he lays down a table cloth and lights a candle and waits. shaking in his skin just waiting for cas to get home, and then cas is walking in saying ‘hello, dean’ and running down the stairs, groceries in paper bags overflowing in his arms, and his hair is disheveled and dean helps grab a bag and puts it in the kitchen and waits for cas to follow and see...the set up. and cas asks, what’s this about? and dean looks at cas and takes a deep breath and says, ‘someone once told me there’s happiness in just....fuck...in just saying it so here goes. and its okay if you..if you dont but...’ and cas is getting closer, his head quirked and deans heart is beating out of his chest and he says ‘i love you.’ and then cas is rumbling, ‘dean, look at me’ and so he does, looks up into wide blue eyes and cas is smiling. smiling so big and beautiful and dean wants to hear it he needs to hear it he needs- ‘i love you too, dean winchester’ and then theyre kissing again, kissing and holding and deans a little embarrassed but hes crying and then theyre skipping dinner entirely and cas has his hand on deans bare shoulder and hes shivering into the touch its so overwhelming and he fucks himself down onto cas’ cock and cas digs his fingernails into deans thighs and looks up at him blue and beautiful and overwhelming and deans pretty sure he blacks out when he comes except, he doesnt, because his eyes are open and the lights in the room are all busted and cas is lying there under him looking up, dean thinks so at least, he can’t really see him and so he laughs and he laughs and he’s not really registering what happened, a beautifully timed power outage like something divine saying this is how you met and he’s here still and you finally have him and so he climbs off of cas and grabs something to wash them up and a candle or two from the table and when he comes back, and wipes the damp cloth gingerly across cas’ body he notices cas tense and he sees in the candlelight cas is looking very serious and he stops being sweet just asks ‘cas? whats wrong’ and cas says, ‘dean? dean. dean winchester... dean...righteous soul the one i fell for and will always fall for the one i love the one i have always...’ and dean dives back on top of cas and kisses him senseless because now cas remembers everything before and he remembers everything after and everything now and its perfect

and honestly they still arent really sure what happened except that maybe the spell needed angel mojo so it snagged it from cas or maybe the empty curled itself around cas mind and all it needed was the Loud of too many emotions to overflood it but all that matters is that they are here together.

and then one day, at the dinner table, cas looks at dean and he says ‘dean, will you....’ and he shuffles inside his pocket and presses a box into deans hand and its- ‘will you marry me?’ and dean is practically leaping over the table to kiss cas and saying “yes yes yes of course of course i wanna grow old with you i wanna be with you always in life and death in everything always together”

and cas is crying because he could have what he wanted, he has the one thing he wants most and dean wants him most too.

and then dean is pulling back and cas is looking pensive and he says, ‘there is one thing, dean.’ and dean looks worried so he places his hand on his knee and he says, ‘i want to be human, all the way human.’ and dean looks like he wants to protest or cry and hes not sure which it is but then dean is crying and saying ‘ill help’ and then the next day theyre out with the bees, because cas thinks his grace will do them good, and dean holds cas’ hand in his tightly and follows that little nick on his throat and opens it ever so slightly with the angel blade and tries not to think about how hes hurting the person he loves and he loves and he loves and then the grace is flowing away and dean captures it in a bottle, hands it to cas, who later pats it down in the ground so they can grow a new tree, and dean gives cas two little stitches on his throat and kisses all around them and washes cas hair for him in the shower and then

when the day comes, they go together, they get to live with one another and watch the sunsets on their front porch with miracle and jack and sam and eileen all looking out over an eternal skyline.

#woops this was an accident i #destiel #deancas #destiel coda #spn spoilers #destiel ficlets #spn 15x20 #spn 15x20 coda #angel !!#king !!#long post

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tylerwritez · 3 years ago

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I was hit in the head with a brick today.

Its Monday, October 18th, 11:30. Jacob didnt show, he had a busy day, so I invited my bestie Elle over and she came at around 6pm and we hung out and baked brownies. It was fun, but our brownies didn't rise cos we neglected to add baking powder. I walked them to their bus stop in the dark... I was tbh worried they would die or soemthing... in the area I live recently theres been a murder and a few rapes of young kids happening when it got dark. But in the end I left them there and headed home, and they got home safe so it turned out good. I got monster for us at around 5pm but she didnt drink hers, so I have an extra for tommorow >:D they're the strawberry lemonade rehab kind, so they're 25cals each, which isnt bad at all. I had a lot of anxiety while I was waiting for Jacob to come over... I guess because I was uncertain about how the day was going to pan out. But it improved significantly after I confirmed Elle was coming over... proabably becos I knew for certain that SOMEONE was gonna hang out w me.

See? Even days that start off depressing, with you smoking alone in the cold, can end up happy. I think the therapy session at 4pm improved my mood quite a bit though... it felt like I was hit in the head with a brick... but in a positive sense of the phrase. I I soemthing important.

You see, for as long as I've felt pain about my past, I've had this self doubt. This feeling that I was making up my pain, that I was delusional, that I was insane, that nothing bad ever happened, that if it did, I should just get over it and let the past be the past.

The thing is, obviously stuff MUST'VE happened, if even today I cry to mention it. So my feelings were validated in a sense. I realized that how I feel is valid, and REAL, and it's okay to feel this way even if everyone else has moved on. Even if those events are in the past, they still hurt me, so it DOES matter!!!

It doesnt even matter who's fault it was. I can stop worrying about that. No matter who caused it, it's my responsiblity to do work to fix it. And really,,, my parents didnt do that on purpose.

So now I just need to let go of my emotional pain!!! And stop mourning!!! And I feel like I can do that, now that I KNOW how i feel is okay!!! Sorry for the excitement. I'm just optimistic. I'm happy and i could cry from happiness to have the life I have right now. I have such a happy life on a beautiful earth with lovely music and good kind friends who care about me and like... I have a therapist??? My parents got me a therapist??? It's like people are FINALLY listening to me,,, and I dont really feel as much need to cover up my obvious illness/issues.

It was very validating to me. The therapist asked questions, which I answered as honestly and clearly as I possible could... I even mentioned my past shoplifting and current nicotine addiction, because she said the stuff there stays there.

But the most validating part is... well, I've ALWAYS felt that the way I felt emotion was not... right. Too strong, too wild, too... inappropriate. This, added on to my anger issues as a child and later, my constant grief over my past... compared to others, I mean. I always felt SOMETHING was wrong with me. I could never really quite put a finger on it. But then the therapist,,, listened to what I had to say regarding that... and after the whole session, decided that she wanted to assess me for 1 thing (ofc she didnt tell me and I didnt ask, probably because i didnt want to go into the assessment with bias of any kind) but she wants to assess me for something, discuss the results of the test, and then send me to a PHYSICIAN, like a DOCTOR, like a DOCTOR like who usually deals with PHYSICAL illness??? The word she used was "pediatrician"... but I'm a teenager LOL, not a child (the prefix pedo,pedia, means "child", for example, a PEDOphile is a child-lover... so a pediatrician is a doctor who treats children... I get what she means, but I really dont see myself as a child anymore 😅)

Anwyays, she said she wanted to send me over to like a DOCTOR to discuss this... this feeling that something was wrong with me.

This means... THIS MEANS IM BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!!! finally, someone who doesnt dismiss my ABNORMAL emotions and grief as "teenage hormones" or something of the like. I just. I'm happy that finally, people are listening to me! And taking me seriously! And caring about what I have to say regarding my feelings! And I can talk a bit more freely about this shit :) it's nice. I mean, I obviously havent reached the level of 100 PERCENT HONESTY with my parents, but I can at least still say more than I used to...

It's all falling into place yknow? I'm happy I didnt kill myself. I'm happy I pushed through to get to this moment.

I'm listening to my old vocaloid faves, and I think that's also helping boost my mood.

this, combined with the fact that I didnt grossly overeat today, makes for a pretty good day!

My therapist also said

1. Write about my grief... a letter to my parents. What I wish they would've done. And then tear up the paper and throw it out, or burn it up. I said that I'd done that already, but i felt like I could never say everything I needed to say, or even AGREE on the FACTS of the shit I was saying! But like... now I can sorta agree on the facts, since I know how I feel is valid and not fake. It's real! And I know now that if I need, I can write it out more than once!!! If I forget something, I can just write it out in addition, separately. And even if it helps me feel a LITTLE bit better, its better than nothing.

It's so easy to hold onto negative feelings. It's very hard to view things positively, or with happiness... like, okay. Happiness is clear, potable water. Sadness is dirty, gross water. Even a little bit of dirty, gross water mixed in with the clear, potable water, will spoil it all.

When you have clear water, it's easier to make it dirty than it is to make dirty water clean.

It's easier to ruin a good mood than it is to lift a bad mood, basically. So when discussing SAD things, it's hard to frame them positively, and once you start crying from sadness, it's very hard to stop crying and feeling that sadness and that PHYSICAL pain in you.

A good thing I can do is think of things I like about myself (I am adaptable and can adapt to almost any given situation, I am stylish and dress cool, I am able to face my fears (social interaction, Allioli our gecko, birds, heights) and things I'm grateful for (I live in a safe place with no war and clean water and I have food in my house and I have clothes in my closet and I have a computer and a phone and two dogs and a best friend and a few good friends actually) see? It forces your mind to, instead of looking for more bad, look for some good. Idk tho. I'm trying. I'm trying everything, because this is mostly up to me. If I really wanted to, I could ignore the therapists advice and keep being sad... but that wouldnt help me heal. Healing is hard. Healing is as much (if not more) my responsibly than anyone else's.

If I want to get better, I have to at least TRY.

One more thing... one thing that I found most helpful, more than just listing positive things, was breathing in, holding it... and then when you breathe out, making a sound to let your frustration out. And after doing this quite a bit, it feels silly, like, it feels stupid, right? So you kinda start laughing.

The best remedy to sadness is laughter, and not that sick kind of laughter you get when you realize how absurdly sad and pathetic you are... I mean REAL laughter, when something is genuinely, not ironically or post ironically but GENUINELY funny.

Maybe that should inspire my next MTG card (for art class I am painting MTG cards).

Anwyays, after that, you just, wave your arms around, wave your head around, jump even, just AAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAA GO STUPID. let it out.

That reminded me of back when I used to have more energy more often, I would put on music and DANCE in the dark at night like a crazy person and put on musicals and shit. It is a good thing to get energy into you and get it out.

I sound. so fucking stupid right now. I'm sorry guys... I dont really feel normal right now. I'm happy for the first time in maybe a whole week, like really happy in a way that I know won't end until at least morning. And I'm not used to it. And it's making me act stupid and optimistic and dumb and like a little kid. I just feel good about this whole thing. The idea of talking to a DOCTOR, getting my dad to take me to a DOCTOR, is FUCKING SCARY but... it's a sign that I'm being taken seriously.

Soemtimes I say the wrong thing, or dont oxmmhnicate accurately. But overall it was chill, even though I couldnt really accurately communicate my level of suicidality, I'm pretty sure saying "soemtimes I want to do it but I never will and I know that feelings are temporary" is kinda the same as saying "I dont want to do it", right? Either way, I'm not about to risk having my parents told that I'm suicidal over some little communication like that. We get the IDEA. Lol.

I did sort of attempt suicide once, but I didnt go through all the way with it. I downed maybe 4-6 pills? I did take over the amount I should've, and I got a horrible stomachache (probably my liver since it was advil) but I didnt die, go to hospital, or get any sort of damage. So I think i stopped just in time to prevent real damage. I think if I had even take one more advil, I wouldve been in hospital, just because of the pain I was in. And I read online that the way you die from it is extremely painful, can take weeks, doesnt work half the time and leave you alive, but with permanent liver failure/damage and like... it just didnt seem like a good method, so I stopped.

I honestly cant even fucking believe I even considered suicide over an argument with my mom. Jesus.

See, I can't handle adults angry at me. Even in the slightest.

The mourning and grief is insane, dude.

.... maybe I WILL get that stupid doll.

No... my parents cant afford it. But if they could, maybe I'd get it. Because that stupid BOY doll is very much a partial embodiment of the things that made me upset as a child.

Shit, now I'm remembering my teacher was mad at me for wearing headphones in class and listening to music and said to take em off kinda sternly and i legit broke down crying. Wow. See? The GRIEF... I downplay it because it feels stupid to me. I was never beat or anything. So why be upset? But it's there, the pain is there. That pain is... this whole blog. "Jude" and "Jesse" and "Owen" and "Father" and all that shit.... the drawing of a child being eaten by Jesus... the deer in the forest, that's all that pain... me trying to deal with it.

I just dont get why it hurt me so bad if it was, realistically, such a small slight. I think that its some intersection of the reaosn I'm going to the doctors, and my parents shortcoming... which I DONT blame them for! I was their first child, and I came out fucked up. What were they suppsoed to do? they didnt know better.

Soemtimes it feels like it wasnt fair. Like, maybe I DESERVED parents and teachers who DID know better. I was just a child. It hurt me really badly. I ditched classes to cry in junior high.

But that's me being mean. Sure, every kid deserves the best they can get... but this is the best I could get. Simple. It's still good! I have lots of things I'm thankful for. Life cant be perfect. And I have to be thankful for my pain. It makes me a man. Ariel said that pain and discomfort makes you stronger, shapes you. Any kind of discomfort is good for the person to grow strong. I think this is especially applicable, as a boy becoming a man. You need pain, discomfort, anxiety... to become strong man. So in a sense, I am thankful for my pain, because really, what would I be without it? Another annoying blond hockey boy named Hayden or Brody or Reid... no thank you.

Man this is so cringe. I really just pulled the "not like other boys" card huh.

I'm just trying to cope, okay? It's a crazy amount of pain. I might go to the doctors!!! Soemthing is wrong. I think that's the best news I've heard all week. Soemone else believes me that somethings wrong. An adult!!!

It's really something else to be able to cry in front of adults without being guilt tripped or yelled at or getting in trouble of some sort.

I'm gonna cry for my past self now. All this talk of him, I cant help myself but cry. He was ripped apart. That child, he was destroyed.

....

I feel guilty saying that knowing that I read an article where this kid was SEVERELY abused... I saw the pictures of this kid... in the cold, shackled, beaten, starved, held in stress positions, verbally abused, made to do horrible things, splinters in his lips... I feel bad saying that I had it bad when there are kids who are actually beaten and shit. Man. I'm so cringe. Im so terrible I should kill myself. Im a fucking faggot. Jesus.

.... but I wouldnt say that to my friend.

............ idk. Idk anything.

Well... I FELT destroyed, let's just say that. I FELT defeated.

But I wasn't >:)

Idk where I'm going with this... peace out yall. I love yall, I'm bout to sleep and cry.

#Spotify #SoundCloud

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ghoestys · 4 years ago

Text

i’m literally pulling this out of my ass so if there are errors and stuff doesnt make sense then please myob and pretend like u understand what im saying im trying to do this before i get caught not doing hw he comes at 6 n its 5:43 rn

statistics

full name: suzy nora yoon nickname(s): su, suz (pronounced like snooze without the n) age: twenty three date of birth: tba! hometown: tba! gender: cis female religion: athiest sexuality: bisexual hair colour: black/dark brown eye colour: brown height: 5'5″ tattoos: tba! piercings: tba!

prompt + blackmail

a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-three and a senior undergrad student majoring in aviation engineering. they are as gregarious as they are aimless.

TW DRUGS! 1. to pay for yale's very expensive tuitition, suzy sells weed that's both fake and real, depending on who is buying and if she likes them. she's not a good seller, though, so this hasn't been the best form of income for her. 2. got accepted into the aviation engineering program, but suzy can't complete her homework without the help of drugs to keep her mind focused and creative enough to understand the problems

about

family/upbringing/childhood/wtvr

so! literally pulling this out of my ass and making things up as i go! suzy was born in a family with her parents (mom & dad), her older sister, and her older brother. the family was strictly middle class and her parents and siblings were very hardworking. her siblings were good at what they did and they excelled in their academics because they tried hard and all that stuff!

growing up, suzy followed her siblings and her parents and was basically a gifted child from the very start. elementary and middle school was not hard for her and she was in all the advanced and gifted programs. the family was calm and there wasn’t anything drastic that removed the peace or caused any disruption at all. like. they were just chillin.

i think suzy had an average relationship with her parents. they were still asian, so like... it’s as good as it was going to get. she was somewhat close to her siblings, but seeing as they were 5/8 years older than her, the age gap wasn’t that welcoming to the baby of the family. she was kinda just.. having fun on her own being smart n shit.

anyways! high school! where all gifted kids literally come to die! due to her shit from elem & middle school, she was offered a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school and as asian parents, they were NOT going to reject that free ride to a school that would help ensure suzy’s success in the future. she went from being one of the smartest kids to being another burnt out gift child and high school was fucking ROUGH!

bitch really had a fucking crisis and burned the fuck out. her not being the smartest bitch anymore literally killed everything in her and she just stopped being that. she met people and what do u know! got into the wrong crowd where drugs and alcohol was everyones bff!

she got into that pretty heavily by sophomore year i would say. she was just. yea.

i mean. she was burnt out but her grades were still fine if u saw them. studying isnt hard for suzy and shes pretty smart, but she wasn’t at the very top of her class anymore and thats what killed her. instead of having straight a’s, suzy was getting b’s and a few c’s. in a family where anything other than an a was acceptable it really just killed suzy some more

anyways! drugs and alcohol! made her feel good so she did it. she found that weed was the best thing as well as some tranquilizers/anything that relaxed her essentially. she just liked the feeling of floating n not caring or feeling any pressure like. she wanted to b in her own world n shit.

college/the elites

after graduating high school, she didnt apply to college right away because honestly? drugs and alcohol and a bitch didnt care by her senior year. her grades were not the best and while she couldve gotten into college, she literally had no interest for college and her parents at this point baiscally disowned her so like? who the fuck is gonna pay for her college??

her work ethic is the worst bc shes so careless like. bitch had a shift from 1-7pm and showed up at 5 because she literally didnt feel bothered enough to show up.

anyways a year or so after graduating high school (idk the math rn) she got really high off something and just. did a whole ass application to yale bc she decided to apply for the shits n giggles. wrote a fake letter of recommendation, wrote killer essay and personal reflection shit or wtvr, and even submitted the application with an attached document of her outlining an entire airplane that wouldve been fully functional except for a few tweaks n shit that was needed

she some how got in from that (this is fake this would probs not b real <3 teehee) and bc she was now accepted and going to yale (she accepted high aha a theme for her), she had to think about how to fund for this shit so she decided to get into drug dealing!

which is honestly. not going good like a bitch again has poor work ethics so her as a drug dealer is so.... she literally got into it bc of euphoria bc it looked easy but doing it... is not easy at all but its her only form of funding so she’s doing it. kinda. loosely. please fire her.

idk where to put this but. suzy is kinda like that girl from the queens gambit where she feels like she needs drugs to function so like she ditches class but she’ll do all her assignments nicely bc she thinks the drugs give her superpowers to b smart n at the top of her academic class again

when shes under the influence of anything she feels like she can function more or like her life is just... better when shes not sober and ull rarely really see her sober like shes usually just on something

idk where the post is rn bc im too lazy to look for it bc i jsut got a text that he was coming now but!!! its the tweet where a guy was drunk n drew up an entire blue print of an airplane and that is literally fucking suzy i swear to god

when shes high she’s like the smartest bitch around (shes smart without drugs but doesnt believe that) and can build airplanes n blueprints n solve maths n wtvrs

suzy is truly an asian stem bitch and the sciences and math is where she excels the most!!!! probs won awards n competitions for math and science but doesnt really acknowledge that much becase like... its just not something shes focused on

got into the elites by just making a blueprint of a plane from scratch infront of the twins like. legit just went infront of them, started making the blueprint from scratch to finish n gave it to them saying here is a blueprint for a new private plane u guys can build for urselves

personality

personality wise she is very friendly n goofy n chill n chaotic

literally a dumbass n honestly really annoying just ask orion

shes just a stoner having fun doing her life n not really caring about anything like. how she made it to senior year who the fuck knows i really dont honestly

i think the main way to describe her is bimbo like thats it

not really into sharing her life and is more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations that are genuinely deep and personal. she will not talk to u about her problems and insecurities seriously (maybe she’ll do it in a self deprecating way) unless she trusts u w her life. otherwsie she will keep it to herself n prays that her stoner part will make people believe shes just chillin w no problems

when it comes to conversations about nonsense n fake deep shit like what is air then suzy will not shut the fuck up like if u wanna talk to someone about nonsense then suzy is truly ur bitch like. a bitch can fucking talk

doesnt mind being alone bc she has fun on her own but she prefers company more bc she likes having fun and having someone to accompany wtvr she does. whether its for smoking/drinking or hanging out but also just for like... going to class if she chooses to attend and doing everyday errands like groceries or wtvr. she doesnt really do groceries tho bc she just steals orions fodo but when she does choose to go she likes having people with her :)

she doesnt have a passion for anything bc she doesnt dream of labor but the closest thing about b making airplanes or helicopters like. blueprints come easy to her n she enjoys making them bc she feels like shes actually capable of something bc shes aware that making them isnt something everyone can do

u can treat her like a dumbass n she wont call u on it even tho shes kinda smart bc she feels like shes a dumbass

most likely has bad self esteem and feels like a failure but uses drugs n alcohol to ignore that feeling :)

probs the least judgemental person ull ever meet bc she really doesnt care about what u do like. she hears the secrets getting outted n she doesnt care there r high chances that she’ll still look at u the same way

#intro #i am rushing im so sorry i jsut wanted this out while i was thinking about her

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goddamnmuses-a · 5 years ago

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Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Alright so I did this for Episode I which you can find here and then Episode II which you can find here and then Episode III which you can find here. So here’s my weird live reaction/note taking/whatever this is.. to Episode lV.

I remember this being my favourite of the original trilogy because it sets everything up and basically kick started everything but lets see if that changes when i’ve finally got through all of these.

Also I’m just watching whatever version i can find online because I can’t be bothered to go and find my dvd of it so yeah.. whether we get weird updated version or original effects or whatever, who knows.

All the old effects like how C3p0 looks and r2d2 are impressive.

There wasn’t really anything in the opening crawl i felt like commenting on, no big THEY DID THAT IN THE OPENING? but i guess it’s the first one that came out so that makes sense.

WTF did the stormtroopers use to get that door open, that was so explosive wtf.

Also the blasters are like set to 10000 and smoke is everywhere.

How did nobody shoot the dorids?

Yooo little Ani nice suit my dude.

Hold on, she sent a msg with r2 to go to Obiwan which for 1 howd she know he’s alive? I’m gonna presume her dad said or something and 2.. ..why not just.. go yourself?

So when they’re set to stun a Stormtrooper can shoot someone no problem

Also we dont get enough stun weird circle blaster shots

Ohhhh she didnt go because the scan for lifeforms thing alright ill allow it

but my dude.. even so.. maybe just shoot it just in case? like.. droids exist and people know about them?

DARTH VADERS LITTLE HANDS ON HIPS! Omfg he’s like “God damn, this bitch again.”

This Vader is a sassy boy.

I love this guy who works with Vader and doesnt mind chatting back to him.

Loving the droids in the desert.

R2 does not look like it would work in a desert.

C3 like “He tricked me into going this way” stop being a lil bich.

WOOTINI!

The crawler thingy is badass.

I thought that was a magnet it was just a big sucky pipe.

GONK

Oh yep theres the new effects.

Droids sleep? I guess power saver mode.

Wtf is that dome droid

Luke! Luuuuuke! Iconic 2 words there. Well reused for that episode of Rebels where Obiwan watches from a distance.

Bocce.. what a classic language.

OMG OWEN JUST LET HIM GO INTO TOSHE STATION TO PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS JEEEEZ

How is that “wasting time with friends” and not chores, going into town to get something sounds like a chore to me.

Why did they get an atromech anyway? Like.. what’d they need the other droid for?

C3 is a real bro lbh, if it wasn’t for him, R2 would be with the jawa still.

Oooh oil bath. sexy.

I wonder if people ship R2 and C3 because tbh it makes sense to me.

Luke got an erection at the mention of the rebellion.

Now it’s getting harder at that random blurry image of his sister.

R2 is a cheeky lil shit.

This is just some good home life shit.

Dat soundtrack.

You know what.. it’s a really nice home.

Is it just me or is Owen dressed kinda Jedi-y.

So is “Sand People” like the racist way to say “Tusken Raider”?

Obiwan, thats a ridiculous fucking noise.

“Hello There” iconic.

You know what the Prequels do add a lot to this.

A young Jedi named Darth Vader.. im sorry.. thats just not a name.

For someone who wants to get off the planet, Lukes like “Naa but i gotta get home”

Obiwan also just being like “You know what, fuck it here.. lets go.”

You know what as much of a bitch as that guy who gets force choked is, he’s a good actor.

Also Tarkin yay.

NOOOOO OWEN AND BERU! YOU BASTARDS!

I feel like he should have dropped to his knees or something there.

That is a scary droid.

Cool door close.

Thats a weird ass CG droid with a hole in.

None of the other storm troopers gonna wonder why Dave’s being weird?

Wahey! Figrin Dan and the Model Nodes! Love that Jizz music.

Who just ugs on the back of a bartenders shirt? Wtf Luke

Yo he didnt even pay for his drink, free drinks?

Who gets the death sentance in 12 systems and goes around bragging?

The first arm cut off and theres all sortsw of blood which there shouldnt be because lightsabers cauterize the wound, tut tut.

Gooood scene with Han and Obi, honestly i keep forgetting to comment because im just watching xD

Wahey! Greedo

If we’re doing a han shot first thing.. Greedo shot first in this version and missed and then Han shot him but tbh i prefer the Han shot first.. makes him more interesting.

Jabba looks smaller.

Casual Boba Fett appearance.

Yooo Poncho. My boy Cal approves.

Fuck those weird long nose aliens.

The Falcon looks so good.

Get those poor guys by the Death Star laser a damn rail.

We just cool with igniting the lightsaber in front of Han and Chewie? Chewie at least knows wtf it is.

Chewie is a badass.

Let the Wookie win.

WTF that isnt the lightspeed effect.. it’s like a weird blanket tunnel

The fact they get onto the Death Star with no issue is kind of ridiculous.

The motion of Darth Vader is kinda just.. not fitting right.

Han just pat Chewie like hes a dog. Rude.

Han just gets caught up in this without a choice rly.

He just wants those sweet credits.

Also Set Design on Star Wars is amazing.

Leia just lounging all sexy like

Also does she have a stain on her tit? .. Not that im looking >.>

The Jedi being called a religion is kinda weird but i guess accurate.

This has to be the worst star to a friendship for all three of them. Chewie seems cool though.

I also thought the trash compactor scene was earlier on in this movie than it is.

Who the fucks voice was it that said “Thats your imagination” ?

How the fuck are they standing if the water is that deep?

I liek the touch of the monster whos name im sure i learnt but forgot let go as if it knew the trash compactor was about to turn on, that implies it has a safe spot down there that it stays.

Some of the voices sound off on this but ah well

Hans already a little Handsy with Leia but i think Harrison Ford was sleeping with Carie at the time so like.. i get it.

Obiwan just strolling about, as you do.

I love just these giant pits with walkways with no rails. If I worked on the Death Star it’d be a nightmare for me to get around.

“NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR!” ...and they’re not gonna hear you shouting?

Stormtroopers just shooting the shit is the best.

You know what with everyone being like “Wow that ships a shitheap.” I can understand why the prequels made their ships look nicer and newer.

I love that shooting a door panel in star wars just makes it so the doors wont open at all, thats some good shit.

Lukes as bad of a shot as a Stormtrooper.

First little kissy incesty moment but hey it was on the cheek, universally thats fine but im sure at the time this was him setting up that Luke and Leia were gonna end up together, before he decided they were siblings.

Vader just standing there, lightsaber already out like “Ahhh Mr.Kenobi I’ve been expecting you”

As lack luster as the chroeography is in this fight im kinda thinking of it as like, they’re reading each other, like Obiwan and Maul’s final fight.

I don’t really know why Obiwan just chooses to die like that but heyo.

Vader stomping on Obiwans clothes? Why? I guess because he gave himself to the force and thats the first time he’s seen that?

I love the gunner seats moving around, idk why i just love it.

Whats the point of the ear peices if they’re just gonna shout at each other.

Not mentioned it until now but everyone says Leia wrong.

They’re really harsh to Han tbf

This is like if you got an Uber to a place and then the Uber driver got pulled into a police station because you’re a terrorist and then you have a go at the Uber driver for wanting to leave after he’s got you out of there.

Another kiss for Luke.. .. okay

I like how Biggs earlier scenes are deleted so when he shows up it’s just this random dude who somehow knows Luke

That air traffic control guy has no idea what hes doing, nobody is even in the air yet or moving, wait.

Man X wings are cool, makes me think of Battlefronts VR mission thing where you get to pilot one and it’s the coolest VR thing ive done.

For a space station the size of a moon you’d think they’d have enough fighters to just wipe out the rebels no biggy.

ALSO if they know the rebel base is on that planet, why not just blow that planet up?

YAY WEDGE

The targetting computer seems very invasive.

Those turrets are useless.

I would have rated it if they let that random dude blow up the Death Star.

Tarkins thinking face is beautiful. What a man,

If Luke missed this shot, everyone knows he’s turned his targetting computer off, so they would be PISSED

RIP R2.

HWHAT!?

Woooo Mr.Solo.

Well.. Well done Luke you killed a lot of people, some just trying to do a job and live their lives.

Han, Leia and Luke all went off together all holding each other.. like.. Threesome?

I’m sorry but after that, someones doing some fucking.

Leia just giving her lovers, dont @ me, a medal. Thats why Chewie doesnt get one, he wasnt there for the orgy.

R2 looking fresh.

You know what, that is a good complete story that actually works on its own, i appreaciate that. 10/10. :P

#ooc #dan watches #dan reacts

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oftheredmoon · 6 years ago

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Personal vent

Um... sorry but ima go off on a long vent about.. well.. not a very easy subject. I’m talking about the thousand oaks shooting and my close friend that was killed. I cant talk about it on my twitter or insta out of respect for her family so im just gonna use tumblr as an anonymous way to get my feelings out.

I just- i miss her so fucking much guys. I miss everything about her. She was so kind, so compassionate and cared about everyone around her whether she knew them or not. She held out her hand for me when i needed it. She taught me so much and the fact that i can never repay her is fucking eating me alive. I’m trying to be a better person for her sake. I’m trying to spread the kindness and positivity that she wanted to, but its hard bc i dont even know where to start. I dont wanna grow old and forget her. I honestly just wanna see her and talk to her again. I cannot wait for the day that we’re reunited. I owe her so many apologies, so many thank yous... and it hurts because she never had any bad intentions but people were constantly jealous of her and how blessed she was. I know of a few people who, as disgusting and horrifying as it sounds, were content with the fact that she had passed away. I wanna hug her i really just wanna fucking hug her and apologize and tell her how much she meant to me bc i dont think she ever knew how much she truly impacted my life. She was one of the few people who were kind to me right from the start and shes the only person EVER whos never backstabbed me. Compared to her best friend and her boyfriend and her family, i feel like i have no right to say any of this and to express my grief. My family is all like “oh wow we’re so proud of how well you’re handling this you’re so strong!” And its like... no im not im fucking falling apart from the inside and sooner or later its gonna start to show on the outside. I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to keep her memory with me and keep walking in my life. But its so hard when im trapped in this small ass town and there are posters and signs and stuff everywhere about her and gun control issues. Its almost been two months and time is going slower than ever for me. She didnt deserve it. She deserved to finish her studies, travel the world, get married, and have children and raise them to have the same positivity and kindness that she did. Why do the best people always have to suffer? Why does life have to be a complicated game? I’m a strong believer in the afterlife and i know that if all goes well i’ll be able to see her again. I’m having a lot of dreams about her and some of them are def just normal dreams while others have been (im very religious btw) so vivid to the point where im certain shes actually speaking to me. Saying stuff like “im proud of you” and “i miss you too” and just smiling that amazing smile at me while i sob uncontrollably in my dreams and hug her. It isnt fucking fair. Its shouldnt have to be like this. We shouldve been able to hang out this winter break. We should still have our snapchat streak and should be making fun of my fat cat. I should’ve been able to text her tonight and wish her a happy new years. I miss her so much and at this rate i have no clue how to move on and pick myself back up. Everything that i do reminds me of her and it doesnt help that im trapped in this little city. I don’t wanna hang out with any of my friends because we were all one big squad and now being around them is just.. too bitter. More than half of them have already moved on or are just trying to use her death as an excuse to have the spotlight on them. One of my friends spent the whole funeral service talking about how many guys and girls shes fucked and all the weed shes smoked. Like.. are you fucking serious. I had to stop myself from punching her. I just feel like no one cares that shes gone anymore (besides her family). Im sorry this is super long but i have no one to talk to in my life about this kind of stuff. Thanks if you’ve stuck around this long to actually read about my feelings lol. (Please do not ask me which victim she is. I had a few people do this the day of the tragedy and i refuse to release her identity. Please respect her and her family. Thank you)

#personal #trigger warning #death #gun violence #mass shootings #thousand oaks shooting #borderline shooting #rest in peace old friend

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blorbosexterminator · 4 years ago

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AND THE BITCH IS BACK!!!! (Late, but, uhm, lets ignore it. Pretty please? ☺)

Alright, so the review of ep 23 aka Nada's age in 15 days (right?) is here, SO lets go :

Julia managed to get herself out of there and went home.

Parents right there, folks. Whether you are 14 or 40, this is what you feel after getting scolded.

Daniel lit a cigarette outside and just listened to Agata until she deemed it enough and hung up.

The himbo and La puta Ama, ladies and gentlemen 😆😆😆

Agatha calling someone? MISPLACED FEELINGS?! Damn, who is it?

(Me asking as if Idk its Alicia 😆😆😆😆😆)

Sergio : *sees Senor Ramos barging in*

Sergio to Sergio :

🎶Dont let him in,

You have to kick him out again🎶

(New Rules by Dua Lipa)

“Is it? This is what I’ve first done for your father and you know the body-count that ended up with.”

"I have as much blood on my hand as he did—”

“I’ve killed, terrified, terrorized and everything else you could imagine for him, Sergio. We were victims once, yes. But we’ve stopped being ones a long time ago, son. We’re as bad as the rest of them,” he paused. “I’ve done for you too as well, whatever it is that needs getting done"

Me and my dog :

Uh-oh, cats coming outta the bag folks 🤯🤯🤯

Still he needs to start ruling out. He needs to do something, anything or he’ll go insane.

😆😆😆😆😆 Senor Berrote actually starts Sherlocking 😆😆😆😆😆

“ When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?” — Sherlock Holmes

He’s truly, utterly, entirely, thoroughly and wholly fucked.

Martín? Honey? Do you need to kill someone? Would you like some backup? I got some dumbells that you can yeet at someone, and snorkel to beat them to death with. Maybe, Sergio and Silene going to jail would cheer you up? Please let me know.

Look, Alberto's an asshole but he's good at his job.

and has had enough “meetings” with Arturo Roman,

Has found out that the man, the family and the entire corporation is sitting on a mountain of crimes in broad sunlight

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

NADAAAAA!!!! WHATS GOING ON?!

Oh thank God, Alberto isnt ahead of them.

It’s not him that Martín finds late at night, huffing up smoke in the dark room, staring at the goddamn vase as if he looks at it enough a projection would come out of it and show him what happened.

Oh my poor sweet angel 😟 Aww baby, I wish I could stop your suffering, but SOMEONE (looking at you Sergio) doesnt like my boy happy.

As soon as she sees him she freezes in place. Martín doesn’t look up.

And the root of all mess is back 😡😡😡😡😡

“How is it that every time you run away you find your way back here again?” he asks, staring at his glass, “I’m starting to suspect you like us, Silene, what is it? You’re those sort of women, eh? Like things a little painful,” he laughs, “or maybe you’ve grown tired of Sergio and want new parents,” he hiccuped, “plausible, I’d grow tired of him too, but we’re not opening for adoption right now.”

I laughed, cried and cringed at the same time.

“I don’t fucking know, Silene, why don’t you tell me? No, really, go ahead and fucking tell me anything, any fucking suggestion will be considered now.”

Doesnt it seem like Martín said way too many fucks rn? Jokes apart, my boy is really frustrated and desperate to the point he'll consider anything rn 😟

“We have to get hi—them back, we have to find out who did this. I think it’s Raquel.”

Just as it happens in the unlikeliest and most inappropriate of times, Martín found himself laughing. “What did the woman do to you, hm? Are you really that jealous of him having another woman in his life,” he snorted, “three at that,” he shrugged.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

BURRRRNNN SILENE. GO TO ANTARTICA TO HEAL THAT BURN. MY DARLING PREACHING FACTS. 👏👏👏👏👏👏 I am so proud of you.

Also, without context, it seems like Sergio's got a foursome kink 🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Oh, Silene, if I didn’t care about those I love, you’d have been dead the second I saw you in my home.”

See Silene? If he didnt care bout you, he wouldve boom boom ciaoed you outta this world.

“How are we gonna find them?” She turns to him. And when he meets her eyes, he find in them the same fear eating away at his heart like Prometheus' eagle.

Okay, just for this once Silene is slightly, okay, SLIGHTLY redeemed in my eyes.

You're forgiven. (lol jk. I'm the one answering late, sorry)

Yup. (well 14 now I guess.)

Truee. It's never fun, is it? Even for us adults.

I've neglected them but thay have my heart.

Is it Alicia? Could be. Could be not. Who knows.

Haha, perfect song for the occasion.

See? I did promise rewards for your patience. (also love how your dog's reactions are always included. I constantly look forward to his approval)

The poor dude has no idea what he's doing. But Sherlocking it is. Good quote, but the answer is no. You shouldn't eliminate the impossible.

Your support of Martín astonishes me, he'd love you. He honestly does need your snorkels at this point. He's d e s p e r a t e.

He is actually. (like in canon, he was super good as well. Sergio would have really failed at day 3 had it not been for Raquel lmfao)

So many things, Kal, so many things.

Afhausbshsh Sergio didn't even do anything now. They are both suffering, which is good.

Have you missed her?

So happy to cause so many emotions agsbgs.

He did. Way too many fucks in one sentence, but he is super duper disperate and frustrated. Love seeing him like that.

Super valid. Tokyo couldn't handle not being Sergio's darling favourite anymore (lmfao she is)

Agsnjshsvshs oh god, Sergio out of all people.

True, Martín was really ready to shoot her brains out in that first episode.

So glad because honestly same, she is really scared for Anibal as well.

Thank you again and again Kal. Happy to see you here as always!

#A Spanish Tale #Ramadan Telenovela

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ot5 · 4 years ago

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hiii 💗 I missed you but no worries at all, these asks are getting so long so I totally get not being in the right mindset to reply to them each and every day!! esp when we don’t get any sunshine 💔 but yeah talk about fate with our cats NJSNSJ honestly I think that’s still my favourite thing, very iconic of us <3

you know what? that’s fair, I wouldn’t wanna travel with me either so no hard feelings there. and omg well at least no one tried denying me boarding so there’s that ndjsjs 💀 oh, I went to berlin once with my class as well and I didn’t really like it either tbh but maybe I should give it another chance at some point, guess people must be on to something since it seems to be generally well liked 😬 and omg what kinda special diet are we talking about 👀

no I did not end up doing the smaller ornaments rip <3 guess we’ll try again next year with those. also seriously, who tf thinks it’s a good idea to sell these without the string attached already like... do I look like I got time or patience for this 😭 and look at you getting some decoration up though!! ✨ (glad you seem to have so much to choose from ndjsjs)

honestly I’m not even sure if my trial ran out by now? when I signed up for the trial I already had to give them my credit card information so guess they won’t inform me once my trial is over 🥴 but yeah I was planning on keeping it for a bit, figured maybe it’ll be easier to get into it if I don’t feel pressured by the 7 days I got but let’s see how it goes!! so far I only know how to change the background but maybe I’ll get there eventually

and omg you sound like one of my friends with the shipping never making it on time ndjsjs except she can’t blame only international shipping cause it was the same when I still lived in germany. if I’m cursed when it comes to flying she’s cursed when it comes to sending me mail. my birthday’s at the end of october and she sent me a package mid october which I never got up until it just randomly showed up at the bottom of my stairs on.... new years eve 🤡 but yeah don’t let it stop you, I’m sure it’ll make everyone happy no matter when they end up getting your mail 🥺💗

I still haven’t done any cards but maybe... I will tomorrow, fingers crossed 😩

omg i know im the one who yeeted but i missed you too🥺 they rly are long scream. and i love that<33

rip to miss berlin sorry to that city💔 i think i was just being petty at that time bc id rather gone to vienna and my crush went to a different city as well which...u know. priorities😌 the ppl we stayed with were like a niche sort of vegetarians?? like..i dont think ive seen a single normal vegetable or carb that week😭 and on top of that im the pickiest eater so its already a struggle🥰 at least p much every country has nutella i owe her my life

ur valid! do u perhaps have a sibling you could delegate that task too? i managed to get my brother to do most of the shitty tasks this year sdjkjsn im actually getting a lil impatient for christmas dinner because we have most the food in the house now and mom keeps telling me i cant eat the smoked salmon but she’s calling to me😔 how is ur christmas gonna look like? do u have special foods or traditions?👀 or did we go over this already i forgot💀 if we did dont mind me nsdkfjs

OMG u had to give them ur credit card info?? girl thats so scary to me😭 im glad i can survive in my country without needing a credit card bc those are😳😳 i had to get a temporary one once for a 1d concert in belgium and it aged me 10 years. the things i do for them</3 but yes to you keeping it and having more time to learn!!! i can feel that progress coming!!

SCREAM me as your friend sending smth within the country and still being late🤝 i still have a birthday card to send to someone when her bday was in august so your friend isnt even that bad DJKNSDJL miss santa....if our reveal goes well and doesnt end up in a blocking either could i send u a card too?🥺 you've been so kind😔 it’ll be late but ur used to that already🥰❤️

#ss20 #anonymous #ask

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sellidionne · 8 years ago

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quick update on my friends

so I just reposted my key and realised that I haven't updated it in a while so heres how things have been going with them individually Mari - she lowkey annoys me now. shes just incredibly insecure so she overcompensates and acts tough to the point where its obnoxious and she's always making big deals out of nothing and acting like she knows everything about everything. typical teenage behavior. I'll go to her house occasionally but now its when her mom is going out of town and calls me to basically babysit her. when she settles down and just lets herself be herself and stops giving a fuck about the boys she's 'so in love with' and stops thinking that she has to prove how cool she is then shes sometimes pretty chill. but thats like 1 in 100 Wes - idk what the fuck is wrong with this boy but he stopped talking to me and when I asked why he was like 'oh im just being distant dont worry' and occasionally he'll call when he has something new to tell me and he sounds totally fine and happier than he did before but he sends my calls to voicemail after the second ring and doesnt answer my texts and im kinda done trying to keep this friendship going, if you dont want to talk to me then fine, fuck you Anne - we had been planning to move in together but she said that if I'm gonna be doing drugs like I do that she doesnt think we should be that close. which I would understand if I were shooting heroine or doing three lines of come every day but I only smoke weed every now and then and take a couple of pills like once every three weeks. she hangs out with other people who smoke all day and do coke every week but since I'm her 'little sister' its different. idk. I'm kinda upset about it but im also trying to be understanding because I know that she just cares. we still talk but not as often because she got a new job and I've upped my hours so yeah. but when we do talk its like nothing happened Eric - I honestly forgot who eric was for a second wow. anyway, he called me a couple of times just to talk and he seems like hes either genuinely trying to be nice as an apology or hes trying to be nice to get in my pants. idk. we interact on snapchat like once a month and thats pretty much it Jack - havent heard from him. we werent really friends anyway, just had mutual friends and talked like twice so idek hes on this list. Jasmine - I think she's really depressed. she used to interact with my social media stuff and actually say stuff back when I commented on hers but now she doesnt. if I text her its short replies, when I talk about us hanging out again its just 'ok sure' and nothing else. she posts things online that seem very sad. but when I talk to her husband (he's texted me a few times on her behalf when her phone was messed up) she's always telling him to tell me she loves me so ik shes not just mad at me. idk. I'm worried about her because I know that she isnt happy and I know that she feels alone but she doesn't respond when people reach out to her Jay - lord have mercy this is interesting. so jay and I text occasionally and have started skyping again every now and then because he's thinking of deleting his social media accounts but he wanted us to keep in touch. I didnt think anything of it, assumed that he did it with all of his friends (theres this girl that we both talk to and she told me that she sent something to him the other day so I assumed that meant they were still talking even after he left his accounts. I may add her to the key actually because we're becoming friends now and shes really cool, she says she has a crush on me lol but shes so much like me its almost scary) but apparently I'm the only person he's been talking to because he called me at 2am this morning/last night and he was really really drunk and he told me.... a lot lol. I'll elaborate in my next couple of posts

#rambling #jay #jasmine #wes #eric #jack #anne #mari

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kilnkin · 8 years ago

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@a-thousand-dreadful-things

aud grits her teeth and asks for a favour

kilnkin hey

kilnkin damian right

a-thousand-dreadful-things Hello. It says on your profile here that your name is Aud. May I call you Audrey?

kilnkin no anyway can you help me with something :0

a-thousand-dreadful-things I don't know you, so the answer is most likely no.

kilnkin do you know val cause honestly this is mostly for her

a-thousand-dreadful-things I have heard of her, yes. Tell me what it is first.

kilnkin haha ok so you know like maybe a week or two ago when you were rlly baked and running around in the woods ?

a-thousand-dreadful-things And what do you know of that night?

kilnkin ?? what i saw: you getting your cryptid on and what i smelled: a shitload of weed i mean if youre embarrassed ive seen worse lmao u ever heard of kupala night hahah

a-thousand-dreadful-things I never have. So what does your request have to do with my unfortunate venture into the woods?

kilnkin ok well you were there and i was also obviously there and i buried something and i was hoping you could help me track it down

a-thousand-dreadful-things What did you bury?

kilnkin blood lots of it

a-thousand-dreadful-things Thought I smelled something last night. Whose blood?

kilnkin doesnt matter you can keep some if you want

a-thousand-dreadful-things It does matter. I only eat human blood. And at a school like this, whoever it comes from may not be human.

kilnkin lmao were you gonna say no if you didnt get to drink it

kilnkin what happened to being a gentleman or whatever

a-thousand-dreadful-things I don't even know what it's for, or why you buried it. You only bury things if it's some big shit, Audrey. They used to bury my kind with spikes through our chests, to keep us down, to prevent danger. Is it a wise idea to dig this blood up again?

kilnkin one: not audrey two: thanks for the tip ill keep that in mind three: i told you this isnt even for me so the better question is whether or not you trust val wonderkid extroirdinaire

unfortunate pause

kilnkin lol ill take that as a no

a-thousand-dreadful-things If Valentine needs ingredients for her purposes I'm happy to help. But I'm merely pointing out that she wasn't the one who buried the blood. And again; whose blood is this? And how long as it been out of body? I may not be entirely motivated by hunger, but I wouldn't mind a break from the stale blood bags from the school cafeteria.

kilnkin fine its been out of the body for a while so you probably dont want it which means you dont need to know whose it is (: so are you in or what

a-thousand-dreadful-things Can you at least just tell me if it's human blood or not. For scent detection purposes?

kilnkin not

a-thousand-dreadful-things There's plenty of nonhuman blood strewn about the forest. I might get the scent conflated with any of that.

kilnkin you walked right by me when one of the jars cracked

kilnkin i thought maybe you could reach through all the pot and bad decisions and have a shot at remembering the smell but if thats too hard for you i can always ask someone else! maybe one of the hell hounds could do a better job

a-thousand-dreadful-things I'll help you. But you should know you've backed me into a corner where I now have to ask something weird.

kilnkin you definitely dont have to (: we could stop right here and just meet up later no further conversation required even lol

a-thousand-dreadful-things It's not that weird, hold on. Sense memory is powerful, so therefore the best course of action to remind me of the blood scent would be to prompt it with a paired scent. Which, since I am not smoking weed before heading into the forest to look for some mysterious blood, would be you.

kilnkin ugh

a-thousand-dreadful-things So to get to the weird question, would it be alright with you if I took a good whiff before we got started. I might need to place my face near or around your body. Wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea.

kilnkin fine. no talking

a-thousand-dreadful-things And I'll keep my hands in my pockets. I promise.

kilnkin very reassuring from the dude with fangs

a-thousand-dreadful-things Maybe when I take a sniff you'll be close enough to my mouth to notice I have no fangs, usually. They retract. It's very handy.

kilnkin oh sick i mean also no talking ahead of time about how close youre gonna get but thats pretty cool damn X)

a-thousand-dreadful-things It's convenient. Keeps things easy when partaking in the human world.

kilnkin please humans will overlook anything lmao i spent the whole winter break with a vampire in the middle of nyc and barely a funny look

a-thousand-dreadful-things A vampire, in NYC? One who isn't me, that is? How funny. I would've liked to connect, but unfortunately I was on house arrest at the time.

kilnkin lmao whatd you even do

kilnkin like partied too hard pregnancy scandal bad grades or like fingerwag son dont eat people youre grounded >:(

a-thousand-dreadful-things A little bit of both.

kilnkin wait for real???? serious?? pregnancy scandal?? jk lol

kilnkin anyway id say im glad you were off the streets before little old me ever got there but you seem way more harmless than people made you out to be so. eh

a-thousand-dreadful-things No one was pregnant, but not for lack of trying. And thank you? Though I sense that is an underhanded compliment at best.

kilnkin depends whether youre one of those EMBRACE YOUR ANIMAL NATURE types who gets all offended when someone implies youre defanged

a-thousand-dreadful-things Not currently offended, so I suppose I am not.

kilnkin thats the spirit (: like you more already

a-thousand-dreadful-things Thank you. I still feel more or less ambivalent towards you.

kilnkin haha trust me thats a win in my book (: dont get ahead of yourself tho

kilnkin "more" than a negative still isnt very much

a-thousand-dreadful-things That is perfectly fine. I was not getting ahead of anything. I am still firmly behind any possible thing.

kilnkin great to hear, love the modesty youll make marginally better company than the hell hounds

a-thousand-dreadful-things Hell hounds. Excellent. Just when you've thought you've heard the last of it with this school.

kilnkin surprised you havent seen them on your late night hiking expeditions also hot tip: dont ever think youve heard the last of it unless you really like being wrong which doesnt seem like your style (:

a-thousand-dreadful-things It does not indeed.

#a-thousand-dreadful-things #ooc #IM

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 6 years ago

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We are at Sonic, 99 cent regular size burritos today-must mention ad, my older brother wanted chili cheese tots (i need onion and mustard on mine), pretzels, drink, my mom ordered my dad some things.

So Annabelle and i ordered. I smoked, she ate moz sticks. Ours was $7. We saved our burritos for home, hers was egg and cheese only. Mine sausage.

The rest of my sciatic nerve was killing me. Took me awhile to figure out what it was, i even asked last night some of the muscle trained peoples what they thought it was. So I just have a stem coming from the spine. A short, probably not a new nerve growth because (im not saying my doctor sucks because there's a method to the madness) i haven't had sciatic pain and i know for a fact as well as my currently recurred sinus pain is caused by situations i am in. Could be a new growth, idk but the doctor tests nerves and they're close together and we're not using florscopy to look in my body while holding something that can paralyze me for life. So better safe and repeat than sorry. Of course i could be wrong and a cyst is putting pressure on my motor nerve. Because the doctor tests as i said and I fall asleep or am in and out and when he tests the motor nerve it shakes my leg. And so i feel a similar pain as i do now. Except i hear the doctor when hes needling me and he says "thats not it" "nope" "i cant get it" "lets just move on for now" so i assume we have a sciatic branch under a motor nerve. This is why i trust my doctor. If you're curious, measure straight across from the tip of your ass crack to the middle of your butt cheek, the size of my hand from the crack. Then pivot your middle finger so its pointed down and i got a nice hunk of Matt handle fat and that whole palm are hurts but when on opiates/narcotics and CBD and muscle relaxer and neuropathic pain medication, it hurts straight across from my crack and doesn't radiate but comes in like a dagger on each literal heart beat.

So I'm feeling like shit. Exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, my mom is pissed cause my dad wants a sausage,burrito and she wants me to get a BBLT which no one,wants cause that's all she buys. And shes starting her psycho drama bull shit. Which just ended in "you didn't give me money" and her well you had money to,get coffee at the gas station and my dad saying "shes not going to give you a real reason, shes going,to,say something you would,say because that's all you understand"

I never told her i would use my money although im the type to do so. I told her my brother gave me money, when she asked if i needed it before i left, cause she was working outside. My brother will give me $40 to buy food and he only get a $9 meal. But i had to use my own money. Cause it was $17.58 and i gave the girl a $1 tip.

The girl looked scared. I think it was the energy in the air. I was struggling to ignore it. I don't like guns. They make life unfair. If you walk up to me, i have a chance to make,a semi-plan. If i walk up to you, you have a chance to make a plan. With a gun, there's nothing. No chance to defend. Which is common sense. Unless God jams the gun. Inexperience is scariest cause then it increases the chance a misfire could occur. I guess that's why some of us like the dark. Mother Nature can be a safety shield. I do use her.

You have heard the beginning and the almost end of one story. What do you think has happened at Sonic to cause this eerieness???

Did I stand up in the sunroof waving my magic crystal wand?

Am I randomly attacking people with my new JLO purse by hitting people in the back of their heads for having their window open?

Did I go inside and take over the Mic to sing "Fuck tha Police"?

No.

So we sitting there just having ordered everyone else's food so it would be hot and fresh upon delivery.

And the Sentra of a century pulled in blaring his music about idk what. Annabelle and i made fun of him cause it sounded like he was singing about tater tots. Then later the song was about hot tamales. Swear.

So I'm still mostly sitting straight with my head back against the seat, eyes closed and smoking cause that doesn't hurt. (There is a sciatic position for sitting I learned at physical therapy) and i feel my kid dodge and say something.

Its literal too much pain to turn my neck but I do cause my kid is all "omg" and its not a good. I say "what?" "He has a gun!!!!"

I'm all no he,doesn't but my eyes flash up at him and I see him pull back as if hes just loaded or checking/playing while its empty.

I'm strongly feeling hes empty. Strongly. Yet I am extremely aware how vulnerable I am if hes not or has bullets within reach. My kid gets down lower than the window without me telling her to.

Fear is suffocating. I know my kid is startled like Hell. Idk if anyone else inside saw. The car hop is weary, yet i see that look often with just loud music -- because usually those people are disrespectful.

And IDK where he came from. So IDK if I'm,praying or being told the guy isn't there to harm,me.

Well I mean like if he is, what am i gonna do?

Besides all was in the air,was pure,fear.

Danger is something completely different feeling... You know when you watch a cat on tv stalk,a,prey and you get that warm dark comforting feeling? I didn't,have that.

It was pretty sunny, Philadelphia.

But I was annoyed cause my kid was startled and there was a little Mercedes skin between hers and his. Even if I know I'm safe. I don't trust that someone put bullet proof materials on my car before i got it.

So the kid refuses to look at me.

Finally we get our food and we can leave.

My kid feels free to laugh again. "He has an apple watch and an iphone 5"

Then the kid feels free to speak.... He was a messenger. I accept his message. And i thank him.

So i tell my dad and his answer is a double barrel shot gun.

God's is a German Shephard.

Denise's is a rottie.

How do i deal with those situations? Neither one of us are there. Thats what i express. Im not there, the gun isnt and whoever has the gun. Why? If they're planning on criminal behavior, then they feel safe to know im not,a,witness. Idc they rob someone or kill them. I dont want to be robbed nor killed. So they're on their own just as they were before I saw them.

If they are robbing, and its fast and easy ill,cheer them on. I honestly do not give a,fuck.

I'm,not about to be in some petty none sense drama that i wasnt in in the first place.

Oh yeah sure Sabrina but you're a key board warrior. Hell fuck yes i am. And bring your shit. Try me out. You're gonna get a hugely different response if you're all about me.

See the difference? Dont be about me and leave me alone. And i see nothing.

Unless i have to.

Cause we all know I'm a tattle tale.

So hopefully old boy knows where to pick up his tamales.

Cause I'm sure they will be just fine.

Also before this occurred.

I was analyzing the message of my, get this, sigh Attica.

Which was about the same person my gun totting friend was messaging about.

And unfortunately Mr I steal eggs and sperm to create white kids to abuse left his information about how to deal with criminals and their behavior.

Which unfortunately was mostly, just let them do it.

And so they are saying themselves they need to stop following that formula.

Now Mr Gun had the same answer but a different one than i was thinking (for once)

But his is best.... For my peace.

Of course live and let live, let people have a chance to grow has also been active.

For Denise it doesnt work.

So my choice is really none -- as I do not have to make that choice. I'm not going to do either one as i am not qualified to do either. However both as explained to me that i will remain unharmed (emotionally,mentally,physically--- 2 of which are about people i love being hurt as well) and so i accept either or both choices being carried out.

The,wind is nice and cooling,today. Pretty excited! :) kinda got,a little sandblast to the teeth BUT NOT my face.

So mother nature says mush!!!!

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survivormarmoreal · 6 years ago

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Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them. but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade. 

Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

#episode #allmadhere

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idobadshit · 8 years ago

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The love story that made me realize my true value

People who claim to love you would never call you a regret nor a trap. They wouldnt make you feel like you are unnecessary, especially if all you did was love them. I honestly made alot of bad decisions in my last relationship, everything from cheating to recieving nudes from other females. Maybe it was because I didnt see the purpose of staying loyal to someone who ignored me so much in the past and only decided to talk to me when she was in a differnt country. Maybe it was because I wanted revenge on my ex. Maybe I did all of that because I wasnt thinking striaght or seen the value of my relationship. Infact I was the one who insisted being together, idk why I even insisted that if I didn’t even stay loyal. Whatever the reason is, there is no excuse for cheating and being disloyal. After a couple of months, I truly started to realize the value of my relationship, she started doing things my ex never did she started claiming me she started putting up pictures of me. I felt so guilty so hurt because she truly loved me and all I did was hurt her. I cant use the excuse that she wasnt in the country, I cant even victimize myself. It truly was my fault, I was crushed. So crushed i felt I didnt even deserve to live because of what I did to her, i tried to overdose on pills but my sister stopped me. I vowed to myself that I will never do something like that again. She left me and It was a couple of months, during the days I would work and during the nights I will cry. I started developing dark circles around my eyes. I took drugs at a point to numb the pain and I realized its not necessary. So I faced my pain alone and sober, the pain I caused on myself and on her. I asked her to forgive me she said she will. My heart was at rest but I still loved her so I started to treat her how she deserved to be treated. I started giving her the love she truly deserved but the sad truth is, she didnt want my love anymore. She regretted me, she didnt forgive me. So we broke off for a couple of weeks until I started talking to her again. I begged my self back into her life just so I can love her just so I can finally be with that same person who showed me so much love before. I didn’t do it for the phone sex I didnt do it for any benefits. Im not desperate, I couldve hooked up but I lost my taste in hooking up, I only wanted what she offered me before. We talked but it was obvious that she didnt want to offer me that same love. I still stayed with her telling myself I deserve this for my actions. I still stayed because I wanted to fight for our love, I wanted to fight for what we had before because it made me the happiest man on earth. I know, I know I have this bad habit of not giving up on someone I love. Then one day she said Im a regret, I was so hurt because she told me how much she loved me, she wrote me a huge letter explaining her love for me. Yet the next day, she said she felt trapped with me, her words were so contradicting because one time she loved me another time she didn’t. All i was able to think about was how much I was hurting her because I was being a burden to her. I really thought to myself, that if she loved me am I really a burden? She then had issues doing what she did for me before. That is when I realized that she didnt love me or value me as before. So many thoughts and doubts went into my head like “what if she found someone else” “she doesnt love you anymore she just feels bad for you” I even started meditating, i started reading books. I was fucking hurt but I still didnt give up, she use to asks me if i was good and I lied because I knew if i mentioned it all I was gonna get was bad hurtful words. I was gonna get the hurtful truth. I was gonna realize that no matter what I did I will never be good enough to recieve that same value back. This was all because of me and my disloyal actions. I started realizing even my words didnt have a effect on her, she even said she dont give a fuck about what I think. She just didnt give a fuck about me anymore but I can’t blame her, after all I cheated on her a year ago and no matter how much I changed it will never bring her love back for me because I am not as valuable as I was to her before. She acknowledged my change but stopped acknowledging my value. Day by day I started feeling hurt more and more because I would feel like a heavier burden as the days passed, I would feel like a disgusting peice of shit that didnt deserve love. On the day she called me a regret I was showing noting but good vibes, she was enraged because I told her she sent me a picture after 2 months. I didnt have any bad intentions behind it, but I guess I deserved it because of what I did in the past. I was feeling really bad and then my friend hmu she wanted to hang out and vent. She was talking about her bf. It was torrie, me and jaliel. In stoney brook talking about our problems. Plus I owed her a visit I was proud of her for making such a huge comeback from bad grades her ex caused her. I made tea with cinnamon and honey and lemon for all 3 of us, jaliel was upset about his pimples because hes so self conscious about it, he also felt bad because his girl was ignoring him. Then it was my turn they both looked at me, I was left to explain my feelings. I was drinking with shovan and shiekh earlier on in the day but i was already almost sobered up. The liqour made it easy to vent I explained my struggle I explained my pain. I explained what I did, I explained everything. Jaliel started laughing because I was upset over a girl I met once that lives in Bangladesh. Torrie on the other hand knew this really bothered me. She explains that I am definitely not the victim in this situation but at the same time it wasn’t healthy for me to feel so worthless. She explained and reassured me how much I changed, how productive I had become, how much love i had to offer, how respectful i became, (she hated me for cheating) she told me that I deserve what I become, I deserve the same love I give to other people and if I am not getting it then theres no point of it. It was getting late, so I left after a cyph, torrie didnt smoke but jaliel did and so did his boy. After we smoked jaliel’s boy dropped me home. I felt powerful, i felt strong, I felt genuinely happy for the first time in my life because I had this new found love for myself. That same night I was told I was a regret, the following day I was told I trapped her just like her parents did. You know, i never really take her hurtful words to the heart because she does have anger issues but when she said that it hurt the most. I felt like something had to be done, and although her letter made me so happy that i was about to put it up and claim her, i realize that isnt what she wants and that I would become a bigger burden if i did that. The last day we talked, she let me comment on her pictures but she felt weak, she felt hurt because she was comming back to a guy that was disloyal to her and although realistically not many people knew I cheated, although i change for the better, she felt weak. She said she felt worse than revana (her old friend that started dating her ex) and it hurt me even more. Last thing she said was that she felt trapped that i trapped her like her parents did. Obviously I was fucking heartbroken hearing that and I tried to calm her down, with some meditation but she needed to talk to her friend. I let her go and even tried to reassure her that she is strong, forgiving, and loving but the pain I felt from being told that, the pain of feeling like a burden to someone you love… thats the worst. I told her to take a rest, because she had a long day, also because I was too hurt to even talk. I called my cousin and I cried I cried so much, he claimed that its only right we get some drinks. So we get drinks. I sent masuda a bunch of snaps of me looking happy because I didnt want to look like a sad fuck all the time. When I got home I realized that she blocked me. I refreshed the page. I stood there frozen filled with mixed emotions, sad because she just gave up on me again, that I was so easy to give up on, angry because I didnt even get a good bye, happy because finally fucking finally I didnt feel like a burden, I didnt feel like I was caging her. I dont hate her at all, I respect her decision and I am happy for her. I felt a whole weight off my shoulder. Now when I feel sad about her leaving I also remember how much of a burden I was to her, how worthless I felt trying and trying then being doubted and told I was obsessed with the effort and didnt really love her like that. I then feel happy because I know who I am now. I am not a victim, and I am no longer a cheater or oppressor. I am no longer a cage to her, i am no longer a burden. I am a great guy who changed for the better and I deserve to one day be loved and valued. I deserve to feel like a blessing and I hope she lives happy too. You know as teenagers we make the stupidest decisions but if we bounce back and become better, that is all that matters. Always realize you arent worthless, remember your value. I would like to thank you all for taking your time to read this. If you are ever in a situation like this please dont harm yourself, realize that people makes mistakes, realize you arent worthless and please stay loyal if you promise it.

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sellidionne · 8 years ago

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here's a key for the people I talk about

none of these are their actual names, I just want you guys to have an idea of who tf im talking about 😂

Mari- My friend that I sometimes hang downtown with. she’s almost four years younger than me so I feel awkward with her because she’s so immature but she’s kind of attached to me so she hangs around a lot. we smoke together occasionally and I dont really like smoking with her but she’s the only in person friend I have that isnt gonna either a) tell my parents or b) talk me out of it so I’m ngl I kind of use her as an excuse to go out and openly smoke. but then she uses me as an excuse to get out and be with whoever is her boyfriend at the time without her mom knowing so its kind of a win-win situation. she isnt bad to hang around with sometimes but I dont feel like we connect well because of her age and the personality difference

Jay - He is my online friend that lives in New York. he’s 4 years older than me, smokes weed all of the time, and we used to skype a lot but then we kind of stopped because I started being too busy to. I actually started talking to him on my nsfw account (he also has one) and he turned out to be pretty cool and not creepy or desperate for sex like 96% of the guys on my nsfw account so eventually I gave him my main and we started talking there instead. We stopped talking for a while partially because the girlfriend he got two months after talking to me hated me but mostly because we both got different jobs and because I just had a lot going on but we’ve started talking again now that things have settled down and he broke up with that girl and its all good.

Wes - My best guy friend. its a long distance friendship lmao but we keep in touch through kik and a lot of phone calls. He’s the one I post so much about. He’s also 4 years older than me and he also smokes weed a lot (not as much as Jay though oh my lord) but for some reason even from the beginning he was always easier to talk to and be myself with. He’s super protective of me and constantly worries about me and he picks on me a lot but he’s also sweet and ugh I try not to think of him in a sexual way because he honestly isnt my type but his personality gets me sometimes and gets me oi those feels and shit

Anne - My best girl friend. She has known me for like 7 years I think and we’ve been friends for most of that time. She is only a year and a half older than me but she acts like she’s my big sister that knows so much more lol. She deals with bipolar disorder herself so she gets a lot of the emotions that I go through. However she is going through a hard time and has stopped taking her meds so she’s been acting out. She is very opinionated and even though I know she means well, sometimes the things that she is honest about hurt. Her and Wes dont really get along because of that, he thinks she’s a bitch but I know that she’s just blunt and honest and sometimes I need that. She knows about my drug habits but doesnt know the full extent of them.

Eric - I met him through Anne at my first big night out outing. He came with our group and I ended up dancing with him for a little bit. Then I was confined to his lap and made out with him three times in the night lmao. We hung out at his house the night after that and he seemed really cool but is actually immature af because two weeks later he started telling his friends that I said I’d do shit to him that I didn’t. and he got his hands on a somewhat racy photo of me and showed that around too. He still calls me every now and then but I usually send it to voicemail

Jack - I initially met Jack online as well but he actually lives in the town that I moved from and we have mutual irl friends so its kinda funny that I had never met him before I moved. We’ve planned to hang out next time I’m around there and have the time, I go back often but am usually really busy. But he is also friends with Jay (mentioned above) and Jasmine (below) so talks to Jay about me a lot and then mentions me a lot to Jay. Idk why but its weird because they have the need to tell me about it every time he does and even though he talks about me a lot he hardly talks to me. He seems nice though I guess.

Jasmine - She should be higher up on this list lol. She has a long story but we were best friends before she moved away, after that our friendship kind of deteriorated. She actually ran away from home to live with her boyfriend and they ended up eloping. Her husband is weird to me and seems like he does love her but he loves other women too so he’s always doing dumb shit like flirting and sexting other women. He doesnt do it in a douchey way though, just a pervy way because he wants to have this weird open relationship thing and even made his wife pretend to be me while they were having sex at one point. idk now shes just really unhappy because he’s kinda inconsiderate and immature af and his parents that they live with treat her like shit so she’s considering leaving him but has nowhere to go. Her mother and stepdad basically disowned her when she left. Her stepdad is also my uncle.

I’m gonna keep adding to this as I think of people

(this is an old post but it got deleted accidentally so I reposted it)

#key

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