#but honestly I think it's the deepest thing I've ever wrote

[geneeste]

Ok, for the weird writer questions: 2, 7, 10, 16, 27, 35 :D

Thank you so much for these! Such good choices.

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

I would be very sad to give up my keyboard, but I could do it! My very first novella fanfic was written mostly by hand on legal pads and in random notebooks, which I then transcribed when I had access to the family computer. I think I still have those pages saved in a binder in a box somewhere (or at least I hope I do - I'd be heartbroken to have lost it!).

I'm going to answer the second part too just because I wanna -- I'm a pen girly, all the way, even though it's kind of bonkers for someone like me to draft in pen (constantly changing my mind and editing myself as I go). Pencils just don't offer the same atmosphere for me, despite being way more practical.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing? Honestly, I think I'm still trying to discover it!

When I was a very young teenager, I wrote like crazy and really wasn't that worried about whether it was good or how it would be received. But then, as often happens, I started to get really self-conscious and perfectionist about anything I wrote, and I sort of skipped learning about the joy of a shitty first draft that you then edit to perfection.

That pressure of writing it perfectly on the first try is so stifling, and it really killed the joy of writing for me to the point that the only time I really truly enjoyed it was when I was 1) intentionally writing bad!fic, or 2) writing while tipsy/drunk. Which, as you can imagine, is neither a healthy relationship with creativity nor with alcohol.

It's getting better, but it's definitely something I'm still struggling with (even at nearly 40!), because on the one hand I love fangirling and I have these characters and ships that I adore, and I have so many headfics that I really do want to share with people. But on the other hand, I'm still learning how to be me as a writer and not be miserable. I love the outcome, so I'm trying to learn to love the process.

So I don't know, honestly! Ask me again in a few years. ;)

10. Has a piece of writing ever "haunted" you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Oh, absolutely, both in funny ways and serious ways.

This happens to me all the time with fic -- there's a line from Ryo Sen and Jo March's A Winning Strategy series from years and years ago that I still quote to myself: "Empty barn. Open Door. Horse very much gone." And @missparker wrote a Sam/Jack kid!fic series that to this day haunts my thoughts because of how good and how tragic it is -- it's just the best kind of unsettling. And there are many more fanfic that just stick in my brain.

And it definitely happens with my own fic, too. I wrote a character death fic back in 2007 that, almost immediately after writing it, I knew I'd have to revisit someday when I was ready to (which I finally did in 2021). And the fic I'm currently working on for the same pairing, I have a whole universe in my head that I'm constantly wandering into, playing with, building out the story and watching how the characters react.

Haunting, to me, is sort of a lovely thing. It might be the afterimage of a poignant or wonderful story, or the promise of story that might someday be. The outline's always there, but it's ephemeral enough that the meaning changes as you do.

16. What's the weirdest thing you've ever used as a bookmark?

Oh boy, this is probably a boring answer. I've used receipts, pamphlets, actual bookmarks, bills. I used an expired driver's license one time. I've started pressing flowers and using those as bookmarks recently. But sadly, I don't think I have a truly interesting makeshift bookmark to speak of. XD

27. Who is the most stressful character you've ever written? Why?

Probably Bones from the eponymous TV show, because she has such a specific voice and personality. And also because she's an iconically neurodivergent character, and I always felt that if she wasn't written with care, it would be very easy to create a caricature that didn't do her justice. It's also probably why I didn't write very many stories in the Bones fandom, because I was never totally confident that I got her character right.

35. What's your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Ha! Probably that you have to ease readers into things. I tend to be more from the "Fuck it, readers are savvy and they'll figure it out" school of fiction writing. This is certainly easier to do with fanfiction, where most of the world and characters are already known and it's just the circumstances that are new. I haven't written original fiction in ages, but even as a reader it's what I prefer. I don't want to be carefully fed every point of character development or plot twist -- give me the clues and let me tease it out myself.

[dp-marvel94]

Fanwork creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics/art/podfics/etc. that you've made, then pass on to others. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼

(No pressure if you don't want to though!)

Hope you have a good day! ✨

This is too sweet! 🥺🥰🤗

In no particular order:

Face to Face should be a surprise to no one. I've been writing it for three and a half years. It's almost 280K long. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it this long. A lot has changed in my life since I started this. Writing the story actually was very important to understanding and accepting myself as an autistic person. I'm in a much better place emotionally now. And I literally just have the epilogue left to write. 😭 I'm going to finish it after Invisobang, I swear!

Speaking of Invisobang!

This is the 76K monstrosity I wrote in three months for the first Invisobang. There was a lot of tears in writing it. I'm pretty sure I gave myself headaches just about every day with the stress I was putting myself under. Honestly, I never want to do that again. 😅😓💀 But there were a lot of emotions in there I think I needed to get out of me. It helped me deal with some things; there were a lot of emotions I needed to get out of me so I'm happy I wrote in, even if it hurt.

So apparently, I'm going to be a debby-downer for all these. :( This was the first multi-chapter fic I ever wrote, my first real dip into writing fanfiction (after a one shot I wrote near by birthday in 2018 to cheer myself up). I wrote it in the month or so after graduating from graduate school. I wrote with a fever and excitement I hadn't felt in a long time and my sister beta-read it with me, just as excited as I was.

*Religious discussion to follow*

Honestly this story saved my life. For the past year or so, especially the last semester of grad school, I was in the deepest depression and anxiety I've ever experienced. I kept running into road blocks in my research. Nothing was going the way I wanted. I never got to see my family; with my sister being my best friend (and still is) that was a big deal. I did many things I am deeply ashamed of and I felt so alone. And I was so angry at God for letting me get that deep. I felt like he'd abandoned me. I was convinced if He didn't even care about me at all. Which was absolutly earth-shattering for me; I'd never had my faith shaken like that. In all honestly, I came really close to leaving the church. I'd already checked out mentally. I stopped listening to Christian Music (yes even Disciple) because I couldn't enjoy it anymore; all those promises in the songs felt like getting stabbed when I knew that God had forgot about me.

The point, the depression and guilt and running from God (because I was running from Him; He never abandoned me) turned into a vicious cycle, driving my deeper and deeper, farther and farther away. Things only started getting better once I graduated. And something finally pushed me to start writing. And writing Double Discovery was the first step in climbing out of that depression and coming back to church. Or rather.... it was what Jesus used, completely oblivious to me, to start to pull me out of the pit and bring me back to Him. Looking back now, I have no doubt. God lead me to the DP community. He gave me the special interest I have, the passion, my talent for writing, the ideas. I remember praying (ie begging), before things got really bad and I can't even stomach the thought of talking to God, for Him to help me. It didn't come when I want it to or how I would have imagined or even wanted. But He did help me. He never abandoned me.

*End Religious Discussion*

Okay, these last two will just be fun, I swear!

I wrote this for my first Phic Phight. It's the first story of mine someone made fanart for. Check out this piece by @paenling

Another Phic Phight offering, this one from 2021. I had to include one of my numerous clone sibling stories. XD

[twofortea]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. spread the self-love ❤

I was sent this by three separate people lmao so I suppose it's time to do it. 😅 Thanks also to @heartensoul and @mrssakurahatake who sent this my way. An Accidental Peek Through Time Rating: M (incomplete) | Words: 22,458 What was started as a one-chapter fluff piece is now somehow so much more in-depth than I ever expected and I really got invested in doing it justice. Not complete, but definitely in progress and always in the back of my mind. (You Give Me) Fever Rating: E (complete) | Words: 10,067 I was working on this fic for months and months before it all came together. All fics are a passion project, but this one especially. Really poured my heart, soul, and deepest darkest thoughts into this one lmao.

Death and the Maiden Unrated but not explicit | Words: 777 Just really liked writing this dynamic and it's short and sweet (for now)! I've always loved reading other people's mythology AU's and was really excited to try my hand at my own :)

Strangers in the Night Rating: E (complete) | Words: 28,161 Almost obligatory to put this one on the list because it was my first published fic and will always hold a special place in my heart for that <3 But also... I think the smut is pretty good 👀 Baby You Can Drive My Car Rating: T (complete) | Words: 2,714 Honestly just had a blast writing this one haha and it was the first thing I wrote / published based on prompts from other people.

[ziusik]

For the weird writing questions game: 7, 19 and 27 please? :D

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Ohhh, a good one. The deepest joy is in the act of it. I first thought maybe it's making people feel things, and that IS absolutely one of them, as well as having someone tell me "I feel seen by this piece of writing" (representation!) but really, it's the act of writing itself, of creating worlds and writing down what I believe to be a truth of how we work as people. I LOVE writing, and it doesn't matter of I never, like, get published again or what have you, just writing makes me deeply happy.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Oh god, well, I've been writing since I was about fifteen, so...a very long time now. I started because I realized I wanted to write after reading Anne Frank's Diary as a kid. I already loved books, deeply, but something about the fact that she wrote her diary as a young girl and was so clearly gifted, and was a Jewish girl like me...it made me want to be a writer. There have always been bumps along the way, it's impossible not to have them. I've been deeply insecure about my writing, and in some ways still am. Not everything I've written has been received well, be it fic or original writing. And where I am now: I'm writing a new novel, feeling deeply insecure about it, and still doing it. I'm hoping it may get published, but not counting on it. And I'm very much enjoying the process anyway, because that's the joy of it: telling the story itself. The rest is a bonus.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Hmm. I actually don't know if I've ever found a character to be stressful to write. I genuinely can't think of anyone... Maybe when I write kids, I'm nervous because I want to be able to capture them without verging into twee and saccharine territory or making them not fit the age they're meant to be. Otherwise, honestly, I can't think of it anything!

[barbieb0y]

journey: INTERNET OVERDOSE.

yeah yeah shameless song reference in the title but hey it fits my acc's theme

if you can't guess it yet, in this one i'll be talking about my relationship with the internet. of course, i still mostly am on the internet, or at least on my pc and phone, but i'm doing a whole lot better than i did a few years back lol

anyways sit back bc this is gonna be a long one.

i've always had a fascination with modern gadgets, considering i grew up with gaming consoles and a dad who's a computer science graduate.

but i never used these gadgets to actually engage with the wide community on the internet - it was mostly for playing video games, to nobody's surprise. not that i was old enough to really understand anything that's being said on the net; then again, even toddlers are being let on to social media these days.

it truly started when i was around 11. though technically it doesn't classify as a social medium, i remember being on quizup. it was there where i had my first real taste of online social interaction - it's just that it wasn't too memorable so i buried it in the depths of my mind. what came after is much more interesting (despite the sudden onslaught of... graphic pictures of the popstar that clogged the taylor swift quiz community section at one point, but i digress).

it was there where i discovered about amino - a friend of mine there shared a screenshot of what seemed to be a community dedicated to blogging exclusively about taylor swift (i was a swiftie okay you don't have to rub it in) and curious, i asked them what it was. they told me it's an app called amino and you can join any community within the app. for whatever reason, that dragged me in.

i installed amino. i joined my first ever community - the swifties community (or as we call it, swifties amino). while amino is notorious for its roleplaying community, i participated in none of that (i would argue that there is nothing roleplay about in a community about the worldwide popstar taylor swift but terminally online people are well... creative enough to come up with anything). if anything, i think i barely chatted with any of the people in that community. i mostly did my own thing, which is lurking. the only thing i remember posting was fan-made gifs of the song "out of the woods".

no, what really started my chronically online phase was none other than the sims amino. and here's the funny part - i wasn't even a massive sims fan at the time. my only exposure to it is playing the sims freeplay and the sims 2 on my old psp. but since the app was still new (or at least, the main app - there were always the standalone aminos that were their own apps, including a sims amino app i believe), it was one of the only aminos available at the time that didn't really intimidate me. so i joined, for whatever reason.

it was a small community. almost everyone was new. i remember using basic gif filters to edit pics of sims was mind-blowing back then. most people actually play the sims 4, which was new (and paid; expensive at that) at the time, and it made me jealous - i only had a mobile game and an old game to speak for. and that year, i actually begged my mom to buy me a copy of the game. once i got good grades for an exam that year, i got my copy i ordered online which was, funnily enough, the first instance of online shopping i did that i can recount. (fun fact: i also got the get together expansion pack but i don't remember if that was the same year or not)

i wanted to be like everyone else, posting their sims with a pretty gradient background. i read blogs on how to edit. i wrote my own nonsensical, corny stories that i keep cancelling because i couldn't commit. there was a point where i'd post everyday. a point where i put my deepest, darkest thoughts into an amino post because i thought it'd be entertaining. honestly, it would've been simple if it was just that.

but there was a desire for approval.

if you didn't know, aminos have this section called the "feature page" and upon entering an amino, you're instantly greeted with this section. mods can pick certain posts they think are feature-worthy and put them there. we called it "featuring" posts. it's supposed to bring attention to these posts that deserve more attention. i can't remember the first time i got featured but by god was it exhilarating.

logging in and seeing my post, sometimes at the top if it was still newly featured, was like being fed food after not having eaten for a week. i didn't know i was so starving for attention until that moment. or maybe i never craved it - that amino only sparked that need, that thirst.

i remember i would feel particularly down if a post of mine (that i think deserves to be featured) was ignored and only got 20 likes instead of 300. it's funny to think about that now because nowadays, from what i've check briefly on the web, even featured posts get only 12 likes at best. it's eerie to see an amino in such a state. it's like a graveyard.

it kind of give me the image of what it would be like if we actually destroyed the internet.

this is also where i found my first ever friend group. i remember all their (user)names still. back then, i had a tendency to "fictionalize" the people i knew, including myself. i remember making sims that "represented" us. they were even color-coded, with mine being red because that was my favorite color at the time. i've also fictionalized friends outside that group. wrote a fictional story including us living fictional lives, loving fictional men i created, even straight-up putting these characters in situations that should've made my friends uncomfortable. but they never said anything about it. i was lucky. but also not.

one of the members of this friend group actually inspired me to start writing because they were a writer themselves. and after time, they decided to make an amino of their own, exclusively for writing. all four of us joined and some others - including my very own biological sister. i still think of that place as a safe haven; it's a small place with mostly familiar faces and i can write anything i want with little to no judgement.

eventually we all started leaving amino. or at least, they did. i always had trouble moving on when it came to friends leaving, for whatever reason. but perhaps it's because i always had a small glimmer of hope inside of me that told me "but what if they come back?" and that i have to be there when they come back. but they never did.

i was feeling dejected by then. i tried searching for another amino to belong in. fortunately, around the same time, i've been joining my sister in on her danganronpa marathon so i've taken a liking to the franchise. and so that meant i was more than eligible to join danganronpa amino.

i joined. everything happened in a blur - yet it feels like i could remember it all crystal clear too. i remember posting my first ever fanfic there. i don't remember what my first post was. i remembered what was probably could only be described as falling platonically in love with your best friend. i don't remember if i had breakdowns there or not. i remember fictionalizing people and them enabling it yet again. i don't remember what i said to make people even like me.

i remember being ghosted by the girl i loved.

and i remember it cutting deep.

after all the posts i wrote about her, for her, after messaging her "i love you" everyday even after she left, after everything.

i held on. just in case she came back. but she never did. they never do.

i couldn't read any instances of her name for a while after that. being there made me yearn for all the good times again and finally, after a while of holding on to that little glimmer of hope, somehow, i left.

either i was already a part of it or until after i left danganronpa amino did i join bandori amino. i had little to no negative experiences here - if anything, i was the negative experience. i had a deep hatred for this one character back then and for whatever reason, i often had to make it known to others. but otherwise, all i really did was post edit sets, post blogs explaining why i love the characters i love and sell reroll accounts (and no the price is not real money. it's amino coins). there was a point where i did lose my game account to a scammer posing as an account farmer though.

but things really went down once i joined a3! amino, a bit after i joined bandori amino. i simply wanted to be surrounded by people who enjoys the same game i do but boy oh boy did i get more than i bargained for.

don't get me wrong. a3! amino is still a memorable place for me and i have friends and family i made through it that i am still connected and close with to this day. but to say that it was all positive would be a lie.

underneath the facade of a welcoming community, i could see fights breaking out and users making fun of each other behind each other's backs. i thought i wouldn't ever be a part of all that but well, life is unpredictable, isn't it?

i had these 3 friends. 2 of them were adults, 1 around my age. these adults does not get along with the 1 kid - and honestly, i do not blame them because this kid is insufferable and i was just too naive to really accept it earlier. that i was just friends with her because i pitied her.

one of the adults told me to tell this kid that she has problems, blah blah blah, whatever. i told my friend to get her shit together and solve her own problems and not drag me into it. well, guess what? i got dragged into it. she got mad at me instead, telling me i shouldn't listen to my other friend.

it's to the point where i would feel uncomfortable interacting with any of them. i didn't know what to do. and i don't remember what the resolution was anyway. i only remember how the whole situation made me stressed out like never before. i simply wanted everyone to get along. it seemed so easy before.

another minor dilemma i experienced was when i joined this entertainment team. and though that was where i met my younger sibling and close friend, it was also where my inferiority complex grew. everyone in the team was an artist - except for me. i was the only writer accepted, for whatever reason. though i am honored, at some point, it just made me feel small.

we published a new edition of our magazine, which was in the form of a post. everyone's submissions were amazing - and to close it all off, my fanfic was featured at the very bottom. i had hoped it would make people happy - and now i have no doubt but it must've - but one comment, though innocuous, i took to heart. the user praised all the art featured in the post,

but did not comment on my writing.

i thought that my work is not worth reading. not worth consuming. not worth experiencing, just because you can't just take it in by simply looking. and knowing me, i'm known for how quickly i lose motivation. that one comment was enough to bring me down. i brought it up with my other teammates and they sympathized with me, but eventually i had to leave due to my lack of motivation and, again, inability to commit to anything.

i left both the team and amino altogether. i couldn't take what this app was doing to me anymore. i needed a new start. and somehow, somehow, past me thought twitter was a good idea. most likely because some of my friends were already on twitter by then.

i moved. i made an account. behaved like any other twitter user would - with delusion. eventually, i made two accounts. then 3. then many more. there was my public account, my private, a writing account, a gimmick account, roleplaying accounts (ironic how i got into roleplaying after leaving amino), bot accounts, the works. i was still desperate for attention, for approval, for acceptance still.

again, just like amino, i've had positive experiences with twitter; as amusing as it is, i've met most of my current friends through twitter, through the many, many accounts i made. i fondly remember how a friend of mine messaged a roleplaying account i ran and told me that i'm doing such a great job and how they really appreciate me. i didn't think my actions held so much meaning and significance to someone. and to think there might be more out there who holds the same regards but are not bold enough to tell me.

i've had my dark moments of course. who hasn't impulsively, secretly deactivated when they were feeling like garbage to see if people would notice if they're gone or not? it did work once for me so it's not completely foolproof; but it is also, obviously, unhealthy. it's done nothing but feed into my delusion that nobody cared about me when, really, they do but they need to care about themselves - or even someone else who needs it more - at that time.

i've felt isolated too. it seemed like everyone was good at something, or at least part of a majority, except for me. it was like secondary school all over again. i remember being one of the only men in the self-shipping community and even then, i didn't self-ship romantically and/or sexually so it basically meant nothing. i was nothing.

then came the thing that pushed me to the edge.

it was an innocent tweet. out of curiosity, i was simply asking fellow aroaces at the time if they mind being in a non-platonic relationship. suddenly, a mutual of mine came into my replies with a screenshot taken from my rentry. the screenshot read "i don't think all the bandori girls are lesbians". the caption read "now what is this".

i didn't think much of it at first. it's unrelated to what i was asking and besides, shouldn't have they known that when they checked my rentry before they followed me? it barely took a few minutes for people to come and attack me for it though. first it was just 2 people. then 3. then suddenly hundreds were quote-retweeting me with nasty comments and even some death threats. only 2 of my friends defended me. only a gimmick account i liked was respectful to me.

i laugh at the incident now but at that time, i felt myself break. when i hugged myself, i could hear cracks. i asked myself if i should listen to those death threats after all. maybe they'll be satisfied if such a terrible person like me, who dares misrepresent some anime girls, died at their hands.

i held on, for the sole reason that national exams were nearing and that it's a bad decision to let a bunch of stupid terminally online maggots decide whether i live or die because of fictional girls. but it still affected me greatly. i went private.

one day, i was having it particularly bad. i remember that evening vividly: i forgot i accidentally released one of my cats and i had no idea where she went. she's been out since morning and hasn't come back for a few hours now. i start crying while studying, feeling guilty for not just her but everything. i never seemed to be able to do anything right. i called myself a cursed child, that i'm nothing but a burden and an abomination.

i deactivated, thinking it's just one of those times.

i cried, until the cat showed up at my door eventually. i felt relieved by then, that maybe im not such a failure after all. i debated reactivating now that i felt better but i thought that i could probably focus on studying better if i didn't. so i didn't.

the days i went on without twitter were the most liberating and peaceful days i had. nothing else was on my mind other than studying. i'd study while listening to my favorite albums, with a tinge of curiosity as to what's happening on twitter at the time. but i persisted.

eventually, i came back - but only to announce that i'm quitting twitter and make sure my friends know how to keep in contact with me. it only lasted a few days.

then i deactivated.

permanently.

it felt like a huge burden's been lifted off my shoulders. to this day, i haven't attempted to make a new account at all, even though i had the urges. but i'm proud to say i've been clean of twitter for a year and a few months now.

fast-forward to the present day, i am now on tumblr again and it's a peaceful alternative. plus, i'm not on here all the time like i was with twitter. it's just easier to search for content here, what with the tags and all. and it's the only social media i need.

people can say that i'm missing out for not having instagram or tiktok all they want. i'm comfortable where i am right now.

plus, maybe they haven't overdosed like i have just yet.

crazy to think ive been on the internet for like what 7 years now? but it was my only safe space for a while (and still is to some extent) so i dont blame past me

tomorrow will be the last day i post something for this miniseries. i already have a draft in the works so stay tuned~

[myalchod]

🖊 Post a snippet from a current andylind WIP.

📝 What is one growth area you have for your writing?

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

🖊 Post a snippet from a current andylind WIP.

I don't have any Andylind handy that you haven't already seen, so have a Rosalind snippet instead?

Before her, the younger fairy’s chin lifts in a defiance she remembers well from long-ago days in the classroom, before she’d had learned her place. The mouse has grown teeth. And isn’t it bitter irony, when she’s spent all these years training Farah in her own image, that now it is her own creation that comes for her?

📝 What is one growth area you have for your writing?

I'd really like to get better at writing longer stories in general. I'm trying that right now, and while I don't think I'll ever get anywhere near some of the brilliant folks in this fandom, challenging myself with longer stuff is probably the area I'm working on the most. I like writing in shorter snippets most of the time, but it doesn't lend itself to long fic nearly as well, and I have things I want to write that need that, so ... we'll see.

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

Entirely too much, honestly, for far too many things, including all sorts of things that never make it into my fics. I don't think I've done all that much for Fate because of the nature of the source material, but that's probably only a matter of time. (I guess I researched canon, and then just decided to chuck stuff out the window?)

Deepest dive ever was probably for Musketeers, for a S2 divergence AU I wrote that got rather out of hand by my standards. Far too much 17th century French history, focussed deepest onto the Franco-Spanish war and the resulting Fronde. Mapped out a bunch of travel times by horseback specifically for an epistolary fic inside there too, and other similarly ridiculous details. It was a lot of fun, even if I dropped the sequel and most of it never amounted to much.

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

I am offended that this question is misspelled in the source meme. But it's not about that, so ... compliment and not insult? That's a lot harder. Um ... based on things I've been told: mean heartbreaking, poetic, true to character.

[ ask me another? ]

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

contemplating various character options

but MOSTLY

trying to decide if period piece ballerina protagonist can be faithfully reflavored to be the mage / cartomancer character in the shadowrun-esque playing card based solo journaling RPG. the setting is a kind of sketchily, lazily lightly post apocalyptic (the creator wrote this shit mid 2020, so, you know, that was a vibe), but also a little cyberpunk-y, and I feel like that genre is very essentially about blue collar characters, so professional ballerina at a prestigious institution is right out. and what do ballerinas do when ballet isn't an option? if they don't end up teaching pilates? that's right. this is a STRIPPER alternative timeline. getting that done faithfully and well would be a big deal if this was a novel, but if it's a self indulgent little game mostly for myself, I can slap my pole dance specific knowledge on there, sprinkle in some stories from my long ago stripper friends, and call it a day.

I think I want her in Appalachia because I have so much region specific playing card lore I've collected, but she would never go there so I think that, say, post theatre closures she moved back to South Florida, but Miami had some sort of water based disaster and she barely made it out in time and is just stuck in the mountains somewhere (overcorrected, fled to high ground).

however, there are, of course, other options, some of which would be funny

there's skittish subby werewolf boy, a crowd favorite. pros: very blue collar, has the right sort of generally pessimistic attitude that fits right into the genre, already vaguely hates corporations. cons: why the FUCK would he ever start binding demons (or whatever) into playing cards? he's just not enough of a nerd to be an occultist. he has no interest in The Lore. what are the theological implications in a setting with werewolves and spirit binding magic? he is, also, specifically a loner--lone wolf, hahaha, SHUT UP--and the game set up requires that you have some sort of "community" you're tied to and protecting, and that would actually be difficult to swing here. almost everybody else is easily slotted into a pro-social role, even most villains, but he's just sort of a sad boy, you know? who can bite your face off. he's just very self sufficient. it would honestly take him a while to notice any sort of mild apocalypse happening. IRL this motherfucker wouldn't even notice covid until deep into 2020, riding into town on his horse to pick up the mail.

his also werewolf evil ex boyfriend: honestly...actually. put a pin in this idea, self. he also goes long stretches of time not werewolf-ing it, so there's that. also, arguably you could translate his character to a normal human and it could work. biker guy occultist isn't even a stretch. his aesthetic is already perfect.

the eventual canon Human Love Interest: the lawyer is absolutely enough of a nerd to be an occultist and enough of a bastard to bind things into cards and use them. however, would almost certainly be some rando corpo in this kind of setting. there are ways to work with that and still hit the right spirit for the game, but it would be complicated and this is supposed to be easy and fun. still, running a corpo deck is something people in the game community are already discussing, and I would be better at it than most people attempting it. he is LA based, which is a different feel. east LA latino punk mage would be a baller time, though. maybe if he's younger and only just on the path to eventually going corporate.

this dude's BFF: hilarious. he is never specifically physically described in any of the novels because he's actually a changeling in the dungeons and dragons sense and looks like whatever. He is only described as handsome, so the reader can imagine whatever, but it's also my deepest of in jokes that he appears in some capacity in every single thing I've written, however briefly. There is never anything in the text of the novel that indicates that he's not just some normal human person. I think this is the first time I've posted about it in ANY public capacity. anyway, outright unfair to have a planeswalker in a relatively low magic setting. also however very funny. but no, it doesn't work. still, VERY funny. possibly also why eventual lawyer boy is binding spirits into cards at all--his bestie is an unstable magical field. weird things happen. possibly this motherfucker himself is bound into a card by accident. "the FUCK do you mean, you're a demon?" no no no bro, not a demon, that's propaganda--please put down the salt, bro. bro. c'mon.

sabor latino reluctant necromancer hot dad: of all characters who probably COULD bind spirits into a deck of cards--of all characters who would resolutely NOT--idk, also very funny but for different reasons. not enough of a nerd to know The Lore. very resistant to learning any lore. would probably bind something on accident and spend the whole time going "shit shit fuck oh shit oh fuck" and trying to get rid of it and instead ending up with a whole deck of demons or ghosts or whatever. pros: he's already a noir character with occult elements. he's very tied to Miami so whatever vague disaster I want to write, he's there, dealing with the fallout. cons: lots of jumping through hoops if he's in genuine danger because the in character correct answer is that no matter how much magical bullshit he's forced to deal with, when shit gets really real, he's like, "yeah okay I cast glock." brings a gun to a mage fight. IDK, it might be fun. perpetually tired and done with everyone's shit, you think he's gonna do mage bullshit and then he just punches you. funny.

his retired art thief love interest: canonically the nerdiest of occult nerds. knows The Lore and then some. would absolutely bind a bunch of entities into a pack of cards. would also probably object to the ars goetia demons, like I do, but on aesthetic grounds, not because she's a pansy. would not feel the least bit bad about binding and imprisoning almost anything in her deck of cards. but like. it would actually be boring to write. it's too easy, except for how slumming it gives her the vapors.

some AU version of erikphantomopera himself: you can't put this motherfucker in a setting with magic in it. he would ABSOLUTELY go apeshit with it and not give a fuck about the ars goetia demons being, yknow, demons. he'd just do it. his bleakness of attitude is too well adjusted in the general misanthropy of a cyberpunk setting. he'd be like theft theft demon ritual theft extortion theft MURDER theft theft I HAVE WIRTTEN A CONCERTO theft demon ritual theft theft.

like the mage above him on the list, I have trouble picturing him as a true blue collar protag--he's a fancy bitch and his attitude is aristocracy coded. I hate an actual aristocrat in my fiction, but somebody who gets there via crime is fun. like the mage above him, he's actually too smart. besides, he can't be a playable character because he needs to cameo in the former ballerina storyline. possibly as man who leaves a gigantic tip but is unsettling because how long was he standing there before you noticed? also he never speaks to you. also your rival is mysteriously absent from her prime time shifts and switched to day shifts for some reason. what crazy random happenstance.

[wanna-rock-n-roll-in80s]

#6 Pennywise x Reader NSFW

A/N: It's the sequel to this fic, I don't know if a vacation has such influence, but I guess I got a bit carried away and so that's how it turned out (it wasn't supposed to be that long) lol

Warnings: too soft smut or smutty fluff, overly ooc, feelings, some cursing and who the hell knows what else, soo I can recommend not to read this trash and just scroll down! 😄

18+ please no minors

A nice smell of fresh coffee. You stretch and take a deep noisy breath, aroma is so intense you almost have its taste on your lips. Your body is a bit sore, but it's a very pleasant feeling and you love this clear reminder of what happened before. You smile enjoying it and quiet clanking sounds from kitchen get you fully awake. A long loose tank top is the only garment within your reach, so you slip it on and follow the scent.

You go barefoot and your steps are silent when you walk into a door frame although you know sneaking up on him is futile because he can sense you without any noise. Nevermind, he plays along after all. You stop for a moment to admire what you see and then keep going.

You even can't explain how much you adore that for this morning Pennywise chose a domestic human-like body with its pale color so loved by you, he has only grey sweatpants on and it looks priceless especially now when he tries to make something for breakfast. No matter what exactly, it gets your heart melting, all it's so strange but you have to admit that you've never been so happy. You come closer, wrap your arms around his naked torso and lean on his smooth back closing your eyes. It doesn't make sense to you if he's ancient eldritch horror, eater of worlds or whatever else, he's right here and now, so warm, so cozy. So yours. His light squeeze on your hand causes your smile - so concentrated, he's learning. All space is filled with mind-blowing aroma from a coffee pot, you kiss his shoulder blade and he stops for a second just to squat a little to piggyback you. Your arms slip around his neck and legs clasp around his waist as you nest on his back and the next moment he stands at his full height again. That heavenly feeling of your full connection... You nuzzle into his soft orange tufts and then rub your cheek against his, he gives your thigh a stroke and slightly tilts his head toward you approving your sign of endearment. So concentrated... You watch him putting carefully sliced tomatoes in the pan and then whisking eggs with a salt and pepper in a bowl. He's learning for you, he doesn't eat such food but remembers that you like it. There's a lot of things you want to say but you don't interrupt this intimate moment and just pepper his cheek with small leisurely kisses. You can see his smile from the side and wait patiently diving into a warm sensation of closeness.

Finally Pennywise pours whisked eggs into the pan and as it starts sizzling he turns his back to the kitchen counter, gently seats you on it and turns to you. He stands between your parted knees and cups your face for a kiss, he doesn't say anything but you don't need him to, you two are just making out lazy gradually seizing your embrace tighter. You ravel his messy after sleep hair and lovingly scratch the back of his head while your tongues are sliding against each other and your lips are brushing over his plump ones. "Mmhmm" you can't help but moan into his mouth, all feelings are so perfect and his hot body is so close to you... Tone of sizzling changes and he grudgingly steps back, "Give your monster a second, little one" Pennywise utters in his morning raspy voice and moves to the stove to turn it off but holds your inner thigh with his hand not wanting to lose physical contact. Your. You love when he calls himself like this, it's something in your chest that gonna burst out and float to the outer space.

Penny clicks a switch and is back to between your legs, this time you have his full attention. He hooks your knees and pull your closer, his hands crawl up your thighs while he nuzzles into your neck nipping your skin with his buck teeth. His long nimble fingers go under the edge of your top, then slither upper to find that you've totally ignored a chance to put your panties on and he groans against your skin. "Urrrrgh my little one was so in rush to come here that there was not enough time for another clothesss?" he whispers in your ear running his hand up your arm and pull a strap off your shoulder exposing your naked breast. "Oh yess" he hisses as he starts squeeze it lightly and his wet lips cover your mouth for a sloppy tongue kiss. You feel his thumb massage your erected nipple, he knows your sweet spots very well and uses it as often as he can, so this pleasure radiates directly to your clit.

"Oh fuck yes... Penny..." you break the kiss and arch your back, he smiles devilishly and puts his lips around your nipple giving it one long teasing suck. "Oh fuck..." you gasp again and he enjoys your reaction, his slippery tongue traces circles and then flutters the same way you usually like to move your finger when you fondle your breast. You throw your head back with an opened mouth and almost come when he suddenly stops and leaves a long drooly trail licking his way up to your ear, "Not yet, little one, not so fast" Pennywise slowly pulls up the hem of your top and bends down not breaking eye contact. The tip of his tongue gives your swollen clit a bit more than a hint of touch provoking you and right then he hears your lusty whine. He smirks to himself and strokes your thighs while you watch him. "Don't... Don't stop, oh please" you're only able to say and feel wetness pouring out of you on the counter. Penny parts your lips with his thumbs and twirls his tongue between them making sure that you can see how all your soft folds move under his caress. You almost scratch a stone-like surface you sit on when he lightly clasps your clit between his sensual red lips in a gentle kiss. "Oohh hoo my pretty thing is close.. gets close preetty easily" he doesn't let you come again and slips up along your body to put a similar kiss on your lips "Do you know how wet you've got there? Take a taste". Nailed it, you bite your lip and he gives you a few seconds to get yourself together.

Your glance goes down when Pennywise makes your palm stroking his bulge through soft fabric "Don't you want to know how hard I am?". "Oh yes, let me" you shove your fingers under the waistband of his pants, pull them down freeing his fully erect dick and gasp loudly at the sight. He drags you close to the edge of the counter "C'mon, little one" his darkest voice makes you almost faint "Help me, guide me in" he sways his hips passing the bright red tip of his boner over your skin from the spot above your clit to the spot under your navel and back. You grab the back of his neck and tug him to kiss, as his lips touch yours you grip his stiff shaft with your fingers and move your hand down and up. You stop at the very tip and your thumb slides to smear it with its precum, then you lower a bit to rub that spot under his dick head, slightly on the left where you know he's the most sensitive at and yes, you get what you want - he moans lewdly into your mouth and his dick twitches in your hand. "I can't, little one, guide me in" he takes a breath through his clenched teeth and his impatience drives you crazy. You spread your knees wider and tilt his dick placing its head between your small lips, the next moment you feel him hungrily squeeze into you.

"Oh ffuckk" you gasp into his neck finally getting filled with his sizeable girth "My big boy". You're already so aroused that, no lie, you come after only a few thrusts, your inner walls repeatedly clasp around him so tight that he lets out a constrained growl and fucks you faster. With a shaky breathing you grip his shoulders as you try to control your abdomen muscles contracting and keep your legs wide opened for him. Pennywise grabs your ass with one hand and rests other against the table for support since he changes an angle almost hanging over you as you lean a bit back. It reminds him of being on top of you what he loves so much. Slapping wet sounds and that friction inside make your first orgasm smoothly turn into the second one and you feel Penny's hot breath in the curve of your neck "Oh yes.. Yesss feels so good, little one... So hot.. So tight.. So good yesss so good.." his praising groans go with drool running down your collarbone and you get off hard with his name on your lips. All your body is trembling and you moan again as he fills you up with his thick cum. With lots of it. So much, it spills out of you and drips on the floor from the edge of the counter, mixed with your own wetness. He never pulls out right away, so, clearly, later that puddle under you will become even larger. After a few seconds you take a breath "Ooh, it's as if our last time was a long time ago" you laugh, "But isn't that so?" he giggles silly and rubs his painted nose against yours "It's been a whole three hours!" he points it out merrily.

You chuckle and lovingly cup his face to stare at him, his buck teeth, eyes looking in slightly different directions with glowing pupils, long red lines and cracks all over his large forehead, it all is so perfect that you could gaze forever, but suddenly feelings overwhelm you and you hurry to shut your eyes tight to hide them starting to water. You rush to hold him pressing your cheek to his with your arms around his neck and fingers entwined with his soft hair, and a quiet sudden sob escapes you. "There, there" Pennywise strokes your back trying to comfort you "I sensse it all, I sensse you" he whispers "Penny will stay like this as long as you need", "Just five more minutes for now" you smile combing his orange locks and inhale its sugar scent, "Good" he purrs "But promise, after it you have to take a bite of your breakfast before it gets cold". So thoughtful, he's learning.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Professional Boundaries IV | Final:

Happily Ever After

Stray Kidz CEO!Bang Chan x Secretary!Reader & CEO!Hwang Hyunjin x Secretary!Reader | Part 1 2 3 4 Summary: You’re pretty sure the only reason why you agree to visit Chan’s son is because of Chan’s son, and not… Chan. Word Count: 3k+ Warnings: Typos, Parent AU, CEO AU, fluff, angst, reader is Jisung’s brother so she is a Han okay, jealousy, slow burn, pining, lots of pining, mentions of exes and broken families, typos, etc.

A/N: I did it, I wrote the final part! HASHFOASAJ:O

I'm tagging miss @mostlycompetentwriter one last time just because i love her <3

@ec12 @linours @hoe4cb97 @is-nochu , @hyunjun-jpeg @p0t4t0don14ll @drrramaaaqweeen @lolalee24 it took so long im very sorry T_T

"What?" I mutter, looking at Hyunjin as if he told me he was secretly a werewolf.

Hyunjin runs his hands through his hair and looks away. He looks back at me and repeats, slowly, as if he was explaining something to a child that couldn't possibly understand something so complex, "the day you told me about how stupid your ex Seungmin was... I realized... I was in so irrevocably in love with you."

"That's a big word."

Hyunjin doesn't laugh.

I feel my breath hitch, "Hyunjin... I broke up with Seungmin on the in our first sem of our second year in college."

"Do you honestly think I don't know that?"

I look at him in silence for a moment.

"I-" Hyunjin speaks, "I don't feel like I'm a rich, spoiled brat, or the CEO of a corporation when I'm with you. I feel... my palms sweat when you fix my tie, and I feel like my eat is being eaten out every time you smile at guys like CEO Bang."

I shake my head and feel my throat constrict in vexation. I suddenly started to feel like I've been played, like I've been duped. Did he really hire me because I was good at what I do- no, did he really hire me because I was his friend, or did he hire me because he thought he'd end up with me.

I wanted to accuse him for so many things for the tactless admission that came out of the blue, but instead I ask, "why did you never tell me?"

Hyunjin looks like he wants to roll back into his shell, "you swore off dating after your break-up."

I suddenly find myself digging my fingers into the roots of my hair, "and you rather chose to suffer in silence?"

"I-"

"Hyunjin, this is why your dad watches you like you're a toddler who can't walk. You speak when you shouldn't and stay silent in times you should."

"Why are you bringing up my dad all of a sudden?" he shakes his head, "this has nothing to do with that and everything to do with how I notice how you tense up sometimes when I say something, and how you smile softly when I compliment you genuinely."

Suddenly, I feel wounded, like my deepest darkest secrets were spilled into the open.

I start to feel defensive, like I should punch him in the throat and leave, like I should quit on impulse and move to another city, like I should tell him I hate his guts for making me someone like his parents to him. He had a hard time because of in growing up because of how out of touch he was with his parents, and when he began to realize what he should do to fix that, he chose to suffer in silence out of duty and respect.

For all the meals he missed during lunch because of this, I wanted nothing more than to shout to the rooftops, "HYUNJIN WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU!" I wanted to badly to go to one of their stupidly tall buildings and scream like a crazy person, "HYUNJIN WANTS TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS PARENTS! STOP MAKING HIM DO EXTRACURICULAR ACTIVITIES HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE AND EAT DINNER WITH HIM!"

And yet, now, he's making me realize, for all I know I could be the reason why he skipped lunch some days.

My breathing begins to grow heavy. My throat begins to tighten and I feel all sorts of frustrated that I don't even know what to say anymore.

"Don't you dare deny it," Hyunjin mutters sharply. It sounds like a plead, and yet it stings.

I grip my hands and turn away from him, feeling tears prick in the corner of my eyes.

Hyunjin watches me. He begins to grow frustrated in his own right. Frustrated that his feelings weren't instantly reciprocated, scared that all the things he said might truly have been in his head, worried that you might burst in to tears, angered that you were the won at the brink of tears when it should be him.

"Say something," Hyunjin mutters, he releases a breath and feels his own eyes begin to water, "please." He hates how vulnerable he suddenly feels. He roughly scratches his eyes.

"I don't know what to say..."

Hyunjin feels defeated.

For a moment we just stand there.

A thousand different things run through my mind.

Hyunjin inhales deeply then exhales, "then don't say anything." He shuts his eyes then falls into a blank expression when he opens them, "why don't we just... call it a day."

"What?" I get snapped back into reality.

Hyunjin tenses when he sees my expression, "I-"

"You have a pitch in two-"

"I don't care," he blurts, raising a hand to silence me. He inhales then shudders, "in hindsight, maybe I am just a spoiled rich boy that wants to get everything he wants-"

"Hyunjin,"

"Let's call it a day," he dismisses, walking past me, "I'll personally see to my schedule for today, you may leave, Ms. Han."

I replay that scene over and over in my head as I walk out the building. I barely have the wits to smile at the guard who greeted me on my way out.

I sluggishly made my way to the sidewalk, trying to sift through whether or not I feel betrayed or sorry. I suddenly wish it would rain so hard so I would get swept up and wind up in the ocean.

I watch as my shimmering shoes click against the ground.

My phone begins to vibrate in my bag. I knit my brows and think to ignore it, but decide to answer it anyway.

By the time I pull out my phone and answer the call, an out of breath man stops in front of me, startling me out of my dazed state.

Bang Chan in his suit and golden retriever smile that reached ear to ear takes in two deep breaths as he speaks to his phone on his ear, "you're here already?"

His voice echoes on the other line and begins to create static. I pull the phone away, suddenly remembering I had plans with him for lunch, "Chan, you're early."

He smiles bigger, and pulls the phone away ending the call, "I am but so are you. I literally just got here and was planning to play some games on my phone when you suddenly walked out."

Chan turns away, placing his hands behind his back, "I suppose Mr. Hwang let you have lunch early today."

I don't say anything. Chan knits his brows at this, lips falling into a pout, "is everything alright?"

I turn to him after he says this. The look of concern on his face suddenly reminds me of Dohyun and his concerned look whenever one of his classmates were not in a good mood. I then begin to think Chan is such a good dad for raising his son to be like that. Then I begin to think of Hyunjin and how much he would have loved his own dad to be as caring as Chan.

But then I thought of how angry- no, jealous, Hyunjin is around Chan and suddenly I feel like puking.

"Chan, I-" I start but break into a sigh, "I'm really sorry to do this, but can we do a raincheck on our lunch today?"

I'm surprised by what he says.

"Okay. Let me drive you home."

I don't really get a say in it when suddenly he grabs my hand and pulls me away.

Hyunjin's eyes water in anger and hurt when he sees this. He turns away and shudders, thinking he did not have to see that on his way home.

The drive is silent and arduous because of the traffic. We barely even made it a block away from my office because of how many cars there were in the road. What did I expect though, it was the lunch rush.

Chan moves then brakes again. I turn to him as he rests his left elbow on the door and scratches his lips with his pointer. I begin to feel sorry for making him come here for nothing.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Chan turns to me and hums, knitting his brows, shaking his head, "no, no, no. There's nothing to apologize for."

"But I'm basically standing you up."

He breaks into a smile, "nah. You're right here next to me. That's the exact opposite of being stood up."

"... ... but aren't you at least... curious as to why I'm not up for lunch anymore."

He offers me a look he's offered Dohyun many, many times. My stomach swirls at the sight of it, "if you wanted to tell me, you would've told me by now."

I turn away from him and grip my hands, trying to will the butterflies in my stomach away.

Chan is finally able to drive off as the road begins to clear a bit.

It was kind of a joke when my stomach suddenly growled like a tiger. I have never felt more embarrassed than at that moment when Chan whipped his head to me in concern.

"I-"

"Hungry?" Chan says, breaking into a smile.

"You're acting as if I can deny it," I rebut, making him laugh. He makes a face and chuckles, "I'll let you deny it. I'll cover my ears for the rest of the drive."

"I would rather you keep your hands on the wheel."

He laughs, "yes ma'am."

I turn to him but then look away when I see he was already looking at me. I feel my cheeks burn when he chuckles again and asks, "do you want to get some drive through."

I turn to my lap, scoffing to myself, "I couldn't possibly."

"Of course you can," Chan replies, "look, I see a-"

"Why don't we just-" I blurt, making Chan's words fall short, "go to wherever you planned to take me."

His brows quirk, "really? Are you sure?"

I nod.

The next thing I know, I'm cooing over some photos of Chan and his son on his phone. He lovingly explained how Dohyun had been getting into drawing and how he made so many truck drawings to send in the mail to his friends at school, and to Chan's friends.

We had already finished eating ages ago but we hadn't left the table we were stationed on at all.

In the comfortable silence in between our conversations, I suddenly blurt out, "he confessed to me."

Chan turns to me, silent.

"Hyunjin. He said he liked me long before my ex did and realized he was in love with me after I got my hear broken."

Still, Chan says nothing.

"I... I don't know how I feel though. He told me I... I freeze up sometimes around him, and I smile... but I don't... I don't know."

I turn to the table as I prop my elbows up, "I... I somehow resent him for telling me like this."

I shake my head and run my hands through my hair, "I know I'm crazy for it but-"

"You're not."

I turn to him with furrows brows.

Chan examines my expression, "you're not crazy for feeling resent."

"..."

"If my best friend confessed to me because, I assume, they didn't want me to go have lunch with someone that likes them, I'd feel resentful too."

Blood rushes up my neck when he says this.

"That was similar to what happened, I guess?"

I nod.

Chan sighs, "It's not the same, but Changbin told me we should get married to spite my ex."

I can't help but knit my brows at how preposterous that sounds.

"Somehow, I feel like the only person I'd spite if I did that was myself, you know. It's like I'd be stuck with Changbin for the rest of my life when I don't even like him like that, y'know."

I break into a chuckle. Chan suddenly seems satisfied with himself, "I digress. That literally has nothing to do with what you're talking about."

"I- If I'm being completely honest," I start and look into Chan's calm eyes. I think I like you more than him, y'know. You speak your mind. You know what you want. You don't wait around. You're clear with your intentions. You're a great dad, plus you look really hot in a suit. But Hyunjin... he's held my hand and stood up for me when no one has. He gave me a job, for goodness sake, and he pretends he buys me shoes for his sake when we both know he says that so I don't feel bad.

I sigh and turn away. That's horrible. I can't say that.

"I don't know how I feel about it. On one side, I feel angry, but on the other side, I... I feel like I... I want to run to his side and hug him."

Fuck. That was still really horrible.

"Then be angry and run to his side."

I turn to Chan, as if he asked me to fly.

"Tell him how you feel, even if it doesn't make sense, then make sense of it together."

I knit my brows and shake my head, "but I..."

Chan raises his brows.

"I don't want to hurt him?"

"Why would that hurt him?"

"Because... what if I don't like him the way he likes me."

"Well do you?"

"I don't know..."

"Whatever the truth is, it shouldn't hurt, because it is what it is and it'll come out either way."

I turn away from him and chuckle, "is this what you tell Dohyun."

"Sometimes. Most of the time, it's him who actually reaffirms my beliefs." He clears his throat, "and I hate to be that guy, especially when I've made my own feelings known to you, but I honestly don't know think you would be scared that you don't like him if you actually do like him, you know."

In a moment of clarity, I begin to recount my recent encounters with Hyunjin. He's right.

Chan releases a breath, "but what do I know? Maybe my own feelings are getting ahead of myself."

Hyunjin is in front of my door when Chan drives me home after that.

The atmosphere is thick and tense when Hyunjin and Chan meet eye to eye, Hyunjin straightens up from the wall he was leaned on.

I turn from him to Chan, not knowing what to do.

"I don't know why I'm here, but I'm here," Hyunjin says, catching my eyes.

My heart clenches at the sight of his dampened face.

Chan purses his lips and steps towards me, making the conscious decision to just leave without saying anything else, "right. I'll be going now."

I don't get to reply because he's already walking away after that.

I turn back to Hyunjin, who looks like he's about to burst into a million pieces.

I motion to my door, "do you want to come in?"

Hyunjin is sat on bed when he admits, "it was honestly pretty douchey of me to tell you what I did the way I did."

I, who sat next to him, shake my head, "at least you finally got it out, right? It must have felt good."

"Not really," he replies, "if I could go back, I'd throw myself out of the window to stop it from ever happening."

"Hyunjin," I turn to him.

He sighs, "look..." he looks at me with pleading eyes, "I don't... I don't want to lose you. It's obvious things will never be the same, but I don't want you to quit. I'll do anything to fix it."

"Hyunjin, no one said anything about quitting."

He scoffs, "you forget. I know you. You probably wanted to hide under your covers after hearing what I wanted to say." He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, "ironic how I can say that so confidently yet held my tongue for so long."

I audibly gasp when Hyunjin says, "you like Chan, don't you? He turns to me then chuckles lowly, "don't act surprised. You looked like you were ready to risk it all for him when his ex came waltzing in his launch party."

I stare at him. Hyunjin huffs then shakes his head, "I suppose it's my curse for lingering around you too long, knowing how you feel better than even you."

"Hyunjin."

He turns to me, saying my own name, which nearly makes goosebumps grow on my skin.

"I... I don't know how I feel."

He turns to his lap and nods, "does that mean I'll... be going to work tomorrow alone?"

"No, I wouldn't do that to you."

He sighs and nods his head, "I'm good with that for now."

He stands and turns to me, raising a hand, "see you tomorrow then?"

"I..." I stand and raise my hand, "see you tomorrow."

Tomorrow, that day, was not a very productive day. In fact, the next few days were not very productive for either of us. I knew we couldn't keep going like this, so I tried to gather my thoughts as much as I could and did what Chan told me to do, tell him everything, even if it didn't make sense.

In all fairness, even though I told him, I don't know if I like him or if I like Chan, or if I like anyone, it really helped create a bridge between us.

It was still pretty gradual, how we fell into our bickering and jokes, but it felt right, it wasn't forced and it wasn't fake. Everyday, I felt better that Hyunjin and I felt like we were getting closer rather than drifting apart.

And I couldn't help but share this happiness of mine, though it was mine, to Bang Chan.

I hesitated so much. I knew it was somehow twisted to confide in him, but it came out naturally since he was the one that asked me about it. He messaged me a few days after our lunch and one text led to another and then I found myself telling him everything I did with Hyunjin, everything I did at work, and every boring detail of my day.

Sometimes he would pick me up for lunch. Other times he would pick me up after work so we could have dinner with Dohyun. Each time I would be less agitated about Hyunjin's reaction to it, and more excited about seeing Chan.

It was then painfully obvious to me how I felt.

It was so painful that it in fact pained Hyunjin.

Hyunjin and I just finished our shift for today and were headed out for lunch. We were in the main elevator, casually discussing how he didn't like how he had to go to work on a Sunday, since his dad wanted to show him land he wanted to buy.

The elevator dings, then the doors open. We walk out as I say, "you can pretend to be sick."

Hyunjin scoffs, "what, and have him dramatically put me in house arrest? No."

"Well-" "Fuck," Hyunjin blurts, making me knit my brows, and ask, "what's wrong?"

He points to the distance then turns to me, "look, at this point it's pretty fuckin' disrespectful he turns up here with his son."

I cock my head then turn to where he points. I see Chan and Dohyun waving at me from outside the building.

Hyunjin scoffs, "they're acting as if I banned them from entering."

"Hyunjin,"

"Listen, I'm going to count to 5, if you don't go to them, I'm going to steal you away and lock you up in my house."

"Hyunjin you-"

"1-"

"Hyunjin, I feel bad,"

"You should have liked me back in college while you were at it."

"Hyunjin-"

"2!"

"Hyunjin!" I snap.

"What?!" he snaps back.

I sigh and shake my head, "will you be okay?"

"Really? Now, after you've been on dates with him and his son?" Hyunjin says, clearly annoyed.

I take a moment to articulate what I want to tell him.

He sighs, "honestly, I feel offended that you've been holding back for me. What? I'm sure you haven't even kissed him."

I stare at him.

His eyes widened, "you seriously haven't kissed him."

"..."

"I'm so touched I could barf."

"I'm just trying to-"

Hyunjin steps in front of me, blocking my view of Dohyun and Chan, then plants a kiss on my lips, cupping my face and causing my heart to jump.

I promptly shove him off after this. He looks at me, hurt. I immediately regret it.

"I'm sorry," he says lowly, wiping the lipstick off his skin, "but at least you have your answer."

"Hyunjin-"

"Do us both a favor and don't wait around as long as I did."

He pulls a smile on his face then walks away. I can't pretend I don't hear him curse under his breath. Still, I do as my brain is telling me and run outside to the Bangs.

Dohyun immediately envelops me into a tight hug.

Chan comes up to me, an stand-offish look on his face, "what was that with Hyunjin?"

I turn to him and give him a look as Dohyun begins to blabber about his day. I turn to the small boy, asking him to give me a moment, to which he graciously obliges.

I turn to his dad then beckon him closer, "he told me to give you this."

Chan is skeptical when he comes closer. He jolts in his place when he feels my lips press on his for the briefest moments.

Dohyun catches this then squeals loudly, letting my legs go to curl up in excitement and do a little dance, "OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE IN LOVE!"

Chan's face immediately reddens.

I smile and crouch down to the child, "Not as much as I love you though."

Dohyun grins then jumps into my arms, "can we play trucks tonight?"

I pick him up and stand, "of course, sweetie." I spare Chan a look then call to him, "come on, papa Bang. We've got some trucks to play with."

Chan breaks into a smile and hurriedly follows, "yes, ma'am."

[clowntiggles]

I got one like on my last post so I'm posting the Assassination Classroom headcanons. Be warned it's all lee!Korosensei.

I've only found one lee!Korosensei fic so this post also goes out to the person who wrote that. You know who you are.

For now we’re gonna ignore the fact that he could just zip zop zoom out of anyone’s reach. We’re not discussing such hypotheticals, we’re simply discussing the facts. And the fact is that this man (Creature? Thing? Octopus??) is stupidly ticklish.

He knows what tickling is, of course, but he had no idea whether he himself was ticklish. He kind of assumed he wasn’t. Though if he’s being honest, it may have been less educated assumption and more wishful thinking.

His tentacles, both upper and lower, aren’t that sensitive, so it’s all focused on his torso. However, when you’re 60% torso this is not exactly an advantage.

His primary reaction to being tickled is just p a n i c. Be prepared to dodge because he completely spazzes out. Just a poke in the right spot is enough to make him startle. On the bright side, it makes for a very quick and easy confirmation for anyone who might have been wondering.

Obviously he has a ticklish tummy because come on how could I not bro. But his worst (or best, depending on your perspective) spot is his sides, particularly his ribs. Or at least, where his ribs would be if he had ribs. Does he have bones? Whatever, you get the idea.

His regular nyu hu hu smug bitch laugh crumbles away pretty quickly and he devolves into a screeching, cackling mess.

The person mentioned at the start introduced me to the headcanon that the line of connection between Koro’s body and head is a big melt spot, so I am accepting that headcanon because I love that so much oh my god. That is an adorable mental image.

I’m not sure the exact circumstances of the students finding out this weakness, but when the secret unexpectedly comes out he can practically feel 28 sets of little eyes burning into him like laser scopes. Unless he feels like abandoning his class, all he can do is sit and wait for the inevitable attack.

They don’t even tickle him as an assassination attempt it’s just fun to watch him squeal.

Nagita mentions in an episode that Korosensei’s reaction speed drops to near human levels when he’s flustered. If he’s being tickled? Oh boy is he flustered. In fact, he’s mortified.

His face turns the deepest shade of pink they’ve ever seen from him (it lightens considerably when his melt spot is utilized).

Koro’s in a bit of a rough spot because his defenses are hindered by the fact that he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt his lers. If he zips away while they’re clinging to him they might get hurt. If he slaps them away without thinking they’ll almost definitely get hurt. He could do these things under normal circumstances, but in this circumstance his brain is scrambled and he can’t seem to get his thoughts in any coherent order. As unbearable as it gets, he doesn’t want to risk it. Which is nice but not very good for him, considering he’s raised 28 absolutely ruthless children.

But aside from the embarrassment it’s also kinda fun?? Provided they aren’t trying to kill him, it’s honestly kind of nice being that close to his students. Warms his hypothetical heart just a bit. But he’d never tell anyone that.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

for the writing ask game... this was SO HARD and i've picked too many!!!

23, or if not applicable, 12, or if not applicable, 13…

36

37 (&. maybe 38)

40, and 41 if you like

whichever of 45 and 46 you feel more comfortable answering/think is more interesting

thank you for sending me all these questions omg!

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to? i think i'd love to write some real historical fiction AU, like one that i actually do some research for. or, some sort of mindfucky thing where i really play with people's conception of how a story should be told (in the style of my fav author, julio cortázar), but i'm not a good enough writer for either of these LOL

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you? i'll do this as a bonus because yes! i used to be really eye-rolly about found family but dangerous au will have some of these elements and it's so soothing. of course, in my case my found family is 'violent and suddenly orphaned mafia boys'--something that i tend to not like about the trope is how uwu it can be lol.

36. Do you visualize what you read/write? very much, though mostly what i write and not what i read. i often see things playing out very cinematically when i'm planning a story--my head zooms out kinda and i can see everything from so many angles. however i have some big visual-spatial deficits so the stuff i imagine is kind of floating in my head instead of in a particular imagined space? hard to explain 😂

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it? ok so like my deepest cut that i think is one of my best things is a super niche football/crossover AU written in the style of the 'what we do in the shadows' movie and i'm always hesitant to recommend it lol but in terms of more normal things...

this is a deep cut because it's a rare"pair" but this movren/granit threesome i wrote last year, A Team This Good, i'm just really proud of. it was the first time i ever wrote granit actually and i just think i really pulled off all the dialogue and constantly shifting power balances and honestly it's just really hot and managed to have a sweet ending too? i'm really proud of it hahaha

40. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person? oh, i def reread. mostly because i'm pretty picky about what i like, deep down, so i wind up just rereading that stuff. currently on heavy reread rotation is the "ice ice baby" series 🫣 --i am a frequent rereader of your stuff too ESPECIALLY the granit/aaron tho i am biased there

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

need you by loveleah (sergio ramos/luka modrić, this is old at this point but this fic is my ride or die, it changed my life 4 real)

gulls in the sky by Deinde (erling haaland/martin ødegaard, part of the 'ice ice baby' series, i'm just so impressed by how like disciplined and professional this fic is and by how much it manages to do)

i guess any thrill will do by juskisa (old fic where dries mertens has a gangbang with the entire napoli squad--this is really explicit but such porn goals)

save me from myself (dejan lovren/šime vrsaljko)

if moscow is forever, where's your home sweet home? (luka modrić. & ivan rakitić, this is an example of like, fics that fuck with your expectations that i wish i could write!)

last but not least: in praise of limestone (not kidding!!!)

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic? dialogue--at least i think so, or hope so! and writing more efficiently, throwing less clunky backstory into places that don't need it, inserting my own voice into it less. i hope. though i feel like my writing has actually gotten worse, i don't know how true that is!

legit thank you SO much for sending all these questions you made my day!

questions for fic writers

[astoldbygingersnaps]

5, 7, 17, 18, 19

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

i don't think so? i've actually never heard of such a thing, tbh.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

i love when i get comments from people and it's very clear that they've put a lot of time and effort into thinking about what i've written. like whenever people point out lines/scenes they found meaningful or talk about interpretations that even i never would have imagined it just Rules.

i also just. love characters. a lot a lot a lot. i love fleshing them out and giving them real hopes and dreams and flaws and struggles. I LOVE IT.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

i honestly can't think of anything that's important in my writing that doesn't make it into the fics themselves. idk i just don't write like that.

wait i lied. danzo and hiruzen Definitely did it back when they were starfleet cadets. next!

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. 

for the most part, i tend to be like. very specific and perhaps kind of dogmatic as a writer in that i have a ~*~vision~*~ which very quickly becomes The Only Way Anything Can Ever Go, Ever, which means that not a lot tends to change when i go from outlining a fic to producing the finished project.

that said, a HUGE change that came about recently was blue's injury in the third jurassic world au chapter, because that was straight up never supposed to happen. originally, fugaku was just going to roll up to be like 'quit being in love with this raptor weirdo' and itachi was going to be like >:( but go along with it bc logically he knows he really doesn't have a choice and then eventually he and shisui would start dating (an absolutely Terrible way to summarize things but yk)

but as i was working on the chapter (and hating it l o l) i realized that something was missing--something that was big and dramatic enough that it would actually force a change in their situation, and would demonstrate a) how much itachi had grown since the beginning of the story and b) how Not Okay such a shift was to fugaku, which would then justify him putting his foot down and essentially trying to job-reassign his son out of getting a boyfriend. and i'm very glad i added that bit in, because i think it ended bringing a lot more weight to itachi and shisui's relationship which just. would not have been there otherwise and very much needed to be.

of course, adding this MASSIVE plot point ended up absolutely ballooning the word count of the chapter, which quickly led me to realize that there was no way in hell i could have this be a three chapter fic without compromising the quality of story i wanted to tell, which is why jurassic world au is now a four-parter. whoops!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

this is the worst question ever but here we go.

basically i started writing when i was twelve and i wrote a novel that was actually just rip-off inuyasha fanfiction, which then progressed into me eventually creating more OCs that were actually, y'know, Original. but then once i hit high school Death Note Happened (rip mellomatt gone but not forgotten <3) which caused me to pivot into fanfic exclusively and fifteen years later here i still am!

in terms of bumps, i've talked about it before but there was a period of, like, four/five-ish years where i just. stopped writing entirely and couldn't finish a fucking thing until Star Trek AU Happened and now i've written more in the last two and a half years than i probably have in the last decade so. go figure.

alas, i suspect that my fanfic/writing days are coming to a close once i've finished up my current projects for a variety of reasons. for one, i do feel like i'm starting to grow out of fandom as a whole. and honestly, i'm starting to get tired of the pressure to produce content and feeling like i'm not a fast enough or popular enough writer. so, it's probably time to think about bowing out while i still have positive feelings for the work i AM producing. but it's been a great journey and i've met a lot of really wonderful kind people along the way, so i definitely can't complain.

[princesssarisa]

This article, which @astrangechoiceoffavourites recently shared in a post, is an interesting one. I've read some of Claire Dunkle's commentary before, particularly her debunking of myths about the Brontës. I think most of what she has to say is good, though some things are questionable: for example, the suggestion that the cheerful diary paper Emily Brontë wrote on her 27th birthday while her brother Branwell was deep in his downward spiral means she was callous to his suffering. (Why can't we just assume she believed he would get better at that point and didn't want to dwell on suffering that she thought would only be fleeting?) These musings on Heathcliff are likewise full of excellent insights, but again, I think a few of her assertions are worth debating.

For example, the question of whether Heathcliff has a specific aversion to being laughed at by women or if his aversion is gender neutral. I honestly think it could be viewed either way. Of course Heathcliff's relationship with women is nothing if not complicated. He adores Cathy I in her natural, rugged, iron-willed state, and as a boy he gladly lets her be not only his equal, but his superior. Meanwhile, of all the other people he knows, his most trusted confidante, to whom he reveals his deepest vulnerability, is ultimately Nelly (their relationship is fascinating!). Yet with Isabella and Cathy II, he uses his patriarchal power as husband and father-in-law to lord over them and abuse them. Although we could argue that this is gender-neutral because he does the same with his son – but then again, his son's effeminate nature is a big part of what fuels his disdain for him.

The entire novel's relationship with masculinity and femininity, not just Heathcliff's, is worthy of a novel-length analysis in its own right. I've read the argument that as a whole, the book's narrative admires masculinity and disdains femininity whether in men or in women, and I do see where that argument comes from, but I also think it's more complex than that.

I definitely appreciate Dunkle's emphasis on Heathcliff's relationship with Hareton. That essential aspect of his character arc is too often overlooked, not only in adaptations that cut it altogether, but even in commentaries on the book itself. As rightfully controversial as Charlotte Brontë's comments on Wuthering Heights are, she had insight into her sister's book that other commentators often lack when she stated that Heathcliff's most "human" aspect isn't his sublime love for Cathy I, but his unexpected regard and empathy for Hareton – which, contrary to the popular shallow reading, goes much deeper than just "Hareton's love for Cathy II reminds Heathcliff of his own love for Cathy I" – and his ultimate unwillingness to harm him. This, IMHO, is one of the aspects that clearly sets Wuthering Heights apart from the trashy romantic potboiler that it's often mistaken for; if it really did belong to that genre, then Heathcliff would never show empathy or semi-kindness to anyone except Cathy I.

About Dunkle's comments on whether or not Heathcliff is "reserved"... Well, there's no question that he's a passionate man. To deny that would be like claiming "water is dry." But it's also true that he only reveals the extremes of his passion in especially heightened moments or when he's speaking to an unusually close confidante (namely Nelly). Part of what makes his outbursts of raw rage and anguish so striking is that they're rare. And I'm not sure if I agree with Dunkle's argument that Heathcliff isn't naturally reserved, but has been taught by his hard life to wear a quiet, stoic facade. That's a valid interpretation, of course, and there's no doubt that sometimes he does put on a deliberate facade of indifference – for example, on the morning after Catherine's death, until his "May she wake in torment!" outburst finally shatters the mask. But in general, I don't see him as going through life faking stoicism like Queen Elsa with her "Conceal, don't feel." People are complicated beings: who says he can't be both naturally passionate and naturally reserved except at key moments?

Of course the question of "Nature or nurture?" is an open question that surrounds all the characters' behaviors. Could Heathcliff have ever been a good man if his life had been different, or is he inherently cruel? Is Cathy I inherently a narcissist or do her circumstances shape her too? Is Linton Heathcliff inherently weak and obnoxious because his parents were two incompatible "elements" (with all the unfortunate implications about mixed-race and cross-class unions and children of dysfunctional marriages therein), or could he have been different if he hadn't been so sheltered by his mother and then abused by his father? Do Cathy II and Hareton triumph in the end because they have inherent goodness that the other characters lack, or does the fact that Cathy II was raised in a loving home and that Heathcliff could never bring himself to abuse Hareton as much as he himself had been abused by Hindley make all the difference?

I had never though before of how surprising and strange it is that Heathcliff treats Joseph reasonably well, in fact better than Hindley did, even though Joseph was one of his childhood abusers and they mutually detest each other. Maybe this has something in common with his grudging sympathy for Hareton and lifelong confidence with Nelly. Maybe we could view him as having a fundamental respect for servants, or for people reduced to servitude, because of his own background. Even though he speaks of “crush[ing] those beneath [him]” and in large part does just that, the fact remains that the chief victims of his cruelty are people of more privileged status and upbringing than he was, even when they lack the power that he currently has.

I personally don’t see any big mystery in why he should settle into life as the master of Wuthering Heights rather than burning it down and disappearing as Dunkle suggests might have made more sense for him. In the first place, that would mean throwing away his claim to inherit Thrushcross Grange, so it would leave his revenge on the Lintons incomplete. Secondly and relatedly, he knows Isabella is out there with his son - as soon as he learns of Linton’s birth he resolves to claim him one day, even though twelve years pass before he gets the opportunity, because having his son in his power will be the key to gaining the Grange. Furthermore, he has Hareton as his ward, and is determined to insult Hindley’s memory into the next generation by shaping Hareton into a copy of himself. (A scheme which, of course, partly fails and partly goes horribly right.) But even beyond that, doesn’t it make sense that he should get satisfaction in being a better master than the “legitimate” heir, Hindley, ever was, and making the property prosper more than Hindley ever did? Isn’t that better revenge on Hindley’s memory than burning down Wuthering Heights would have been?

[nordleuchten]

Do you know what Lafayette's relationship with his father-in-law was like? I've read a bit but can't really wrap my head around it, so I turn to you.

Thank you so much!

Hello made-by-our-history,

yes, La Fayette’s relationship with his father-in-law, Jean-Louis-Paul-François de Noailles, Duke d’Ayen, was indeed bit special. The Duke and La Fayette were in many aspects quite different characters. D’Ayen (I will stick with that name here, even if his titles changed over the course of his life) and his family were basically the personification of the Ancient Régime. They hold a lot of titles within their ranks (so many titles indeed that even acquaintances such as John Adams often mixed them up). Many of the men were most distinguished members of the military and held various other prestigious positons within the world of the court. John Adams noted that, when he was first introduced to members of the Noailles family, he was told that the Noailles were even more powerful than the Bourbons. Compared to the Noailles the La Fayettes were little better than country squires. So one the one hand we have the Duke and on the other hand we have La Fayette, who – although a nobleman himself and a lifelong supporter of the monarchy in France in general, supported the abolishing of the special rights of the nobility and the abolishing of the legal recognition of the nobility.

Even so, D’Ayen found La Fayette to be a very good catch. He had five daughters who survived infancy and was therefore in search of suitable husbands. His oldest daughter was set to marry her cousin, the Vicomte de Noailles, so that the family name would be carried on, even if d’Ayen had no living sons of his own. The second oldest, Adrienne, would later marry La Fayette. La Fayette may not have been the greatest name in d’Ayen eyes, but it was an old and respected name, the name of a family whose male members had distinguished themselves in the military for centuries. La Fayette was furthermore absurdly rich, was neither too young nor too old and he was a Marquis.

Most sources state that d’Ayen had at first little respect for La Fayette beside his title and money. In fact, I never seen a source stating anything else. I was never able to read too many letters between La Fayette and his father-in-law so I mostly go with the historical consent here. There are a few things I can safely say so. In his memoirs La Fayette never says anything negative about his father-in-law. However, and that might only be my perception, but I think you see that be employs a different tone, a more intimate tone, when he writes about his mother-in-law, the Duchess d’Ayen, with whom he had in general a very good relationship. What we furthermore see is that La Fayette absolutely longed for d’Ayen’s love. He wrote in a letter from March 9, 1777 for example:

Farewell, my dear Papa, I hope to see you again soon. Keep your affection for me, for I want very much to deserve it, and I already deserve it because of that which I feel for you, and the respect that will endure for the rest of my life.

Your affectionate son

Lafayette

Now, d’Ayen was not happy at all when La Fayette sailed for America. Not at all. It was a huge embarrassment for him. La Fayette had previously done things that d’Ayen had not approved and was highly displeased by – but that? that capped it all off. Eventually, things changed. La Fayette was wounded in Battle (a very glorious and honourable thing back then), he gained the trust and confident of Washington and other leading Americans, he received his own command ... and France officially entered the War against Britain. The French people thought La Fayette a hero and d’Ayen was quick to forgive his son-in-law. La Fayette wrote in his memoirs:

The Duke d’Ayen, my father - in - law, was not one of the least hasty and severe censurers of my departure for America, but he restored to me his favour with all the kindness and sincerity which characterized him (...)

The Duke and La Fayette kept a regular correspondence during the war – or shall we say, as regular as it was possible. There is one letter in particular that sticks out to me. La Fayette wrote on September 11, 1778:

I have already endeavoured to describe to you some part of the pleasure your last letter gave me; but I cannot write again without repeating my assurance of the delight I derived from its perusal. I have blessed, a thousand times, the vessel that brought that letter, and the favourable winds that blew it, to the American shore. The kindness and affection you express have sunk deeply into a heart which is fully sensible of all their value. Your partiality has far over-rated my slight merit; but your approbation is so precious to me, my desire of obtaining it is so very strong, that I experience the same pleasure as if I were conscious of meriting your good opinion. I love you too well not to be enchanted and overjoyed when I receive any proof of your affection. You may find many persons more worthy of it, but I may take the liberty of challenging you to find one human being who either values it more highly, or is more desirous of obtaining it. I place full reliance on your kindness, and even if I were unhappy enough to fall under your displeasure, I hope I should not forfeit your affection. (…) My greatest pleasure will be to hear you say, whilst I embrace you, that you do not disapproye of my conduct, and that you retain for me that friendship which renders me so happy. It is impossible for me to describe to you the joy your letter, and the kind feeling which dictated it, have inspired me with. How delighted I shall be to thank you for it, and to find myself again in your society! If you should ever amuse yourself by looking at the American campaigns or following them on your maps (…) I entreat you to send me your advice as soon as possible; if I but receive it in time, it shall regulate my conduct. Adieu, I dare not begin another page; I beg you to accept the assurance of my tender respect, and of all the sentiments that I shall ever feel for you during the remainder of my life. (…) May I flatter myself that I still possess your opinion? I should not doubt it, if I could but you how much I value it; I will do everything in my power to deserve it, and I should be miserable if you doubted for an instant how very deeply feeling this feeling is engraven in my breast. If I have erred in the path I am pursuing forgive the illusion of my head in favour of the good and rectitude of my heart, which is filled with feelings of the deepest gratitude, affection, and respect for you; and these it will ever retain, in all countries, and under all circumstances, until my latest breath.

Lafayette

 Maybe I am just imaging this or I am overthinking – La Fayette strikes me as almost desperate for d’Ayens approval in this letter. As he said, he would do anything. I am not aware of any letter similar in tone to this one to Washington or even to his wife. He wrote both of these people how much he loved them and how much he desired their love in return – but he never expressed it quite like this. Again maybe I am just over-interpreting, but especially the sentence where writes “(...) receive any proof of your affection.” and also one of the last sentences where La Fayette asks if he still possess d’Ayens good opinion ... I do not know, to me it reads as if he really wants d’Ayens affection but is simultaneously aware that it is not always easy to obtain.

Anyway, things continue like that until the onset of the French Revolution. I was not able to find a lot about this so I am taking a bit of guess when saying: the duke did not liked La Fayette’s action at all. La Fayette was a centrist, he wanted to follow a rational, middle path – but most revolutionaries labelled him a royalist and most royalists a revolutionary. D’Ayen may or may not have better understood La Fayette’s intentions but I generally do not think that he was particularly thrilled. The Duke was away with the army when The Terror began, and able to go into exile in Switzerland. His mother-in-law, his wife, his daughter, two uncles, several nieces and nephews, cousins and in-laws were all guillotined. The Noailles were dying like flies – he found out about that weeks later. D’Ayen stayed in Switzerland for the next decades, only returning in 1814 when the Bourbons were restored to the throne. His daughter Adrienne had previously re-gained ownership of some property belonging to her father and also La Fayette’s family.

I honestly think that the Duke and La Fayette did not have too much of a relationship after the French Revolution. As I said, d’Ayen only returned to France in 1814 whereas the La Fayettes returned 1799. Adrienne, La Fayette’s wife and d’Ayens daughter died in 1807. La Fayette virtually did not mention his father-in-law at all in the later parts of his memoirs.

So after all of this, what is my take on their relationship? I think at first La Fayette was an asset to d’Ayen and that with time he learned to value La Fayette more and that he saw how much the orphaned La Fayette longed for a father figure. D’Ayen was not against showing La Fayette affection but he did so probably rather sparingly, making it for La Fayette all the more meaningful. He also was not afraid of criticising La Fayette. After everything that I read about d’Ayen and his relationship with his wife and his children, I think that he generally was a more calculating person, a more emotional reserved person. But with the American Revolution, La Fayette’s rise in the military and his general change of character, there he maybe saw a way of better connecting with his son-in-law. Public and military affairs. Their wartime correspondences consists in great deals of La Fayette telling the Duke all about military actions and the Duke then offering advice in military matters. After the French Revolution with d’Ayen all this time in exile, I think their lives just went in different directions.

As I just said, large parts of this answer are my personal interpretations and my analyses and I could just as well be wrong. I hope I could help you nevertheless. I hope you have/had a great day!

[wyn-n-tonic]

Pick a favorite? "A" as in singular? My dearest darling, that is simply an impossible task!

Let's begin with Golden Like Daylight, which is the best "fix it" or/or "canon compliant" TF fic out there. The writing is beautiful, the story is beautiful. It is Perfection.

Then we go to a little series called The Hope of it All, featuring the sweetest boy Marcus Pike. What a unique and unexpected twist on a rekindled love story! This is legit movie material.

We have Here Without You Now, a bittersweet exploration of grief and mourning and life, staring the adorable Marcus Moreno. It makes me cry every single time I read it.

And last, but certainly not least, is a little series affectionately known as The Frizzy 'Verse. This story rocks my freakin' world. I know you're not always crazy about the fact that you wrote/write it out of chronological order, but that is one of my favorite things about it. Each time you put out a new piece, it's like we're being shown a memory. Memories don't come to us chronologically, you know? I just love this little family. I love that they're flawed and messy. I love how powerfully and fiercely they love one another even when they're in the deepest depths of pain. It is one of the most human and relatable things I've ever read. Like, ever. Books included.

I cannot wait to see what 2022 has in store for you!

hey, bestie, i've been thinking and crying about this since you sent it to me. it's the fact that The Hope of It All made it on here and Here Without You Now. let's talk about two stories i'm most insecure over. gonna sob about it for quite some time, honestly.

thank you so much, Sunny.

[fcntasmas-archive]

🧠 ✨ 💻 ?

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

hmm, i don't think i have any of these? does the beauty and the beast au count? i don't know if i'll ever actually get around to writing it, but it is an idea i wouldn't hate exploring further after i'm done with all the other wips i've got going on fsakldjf

✨ Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

is this compliment or complement? because my answers are probably different depending on the context of the question. this is hard. i'm gonna go ahead and say this was meant to be compliment, in which case -- fun, thoughtful, and long. because honestly. sometimes i need to shut the fuck up fadsjlkf

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

sometimes!! i've learned throughout the years that i'm writing this shit for free and i don't owe anyone intense accuracy (when i wrote for the skam fandom, there was a certain reader who would despair of my norwegian inaccuracies and it would genuinely make me spiral, and once i removed myself from the fandom and writing fic for them, i was like -- jesus christ, dude, i wrote you a 30k-word-long chapter and you're mad i used the word "truck"?) so if i ever do research it's just for my own peace of mind and not anyone else's that said, i think the most research i've done for any fic was for take me to the stars, an evak fanfic where isak was an astronomy major and sometimes had to know things that ceecee only knew the surface-level basics of. it reignited my interest for astronomy and now i know things about space and stars i didn't know before!! and i've done some research on blood loss and stuff for one of the buddie wips i'm working on right now, mostly because things need to be happening in that scene the least i can do is make them make at least a tiny bit of sense

send me an emoji from the fanfic ask game!