#but his ass does NOT believe im capable of being right in any disagreement we have

[finecutvoidsalt]

uh oh sisters! having complicated thoughts about my relationship with my father!

[snap-spark-blog]

taeyong meta (w citations) cuz im losing my mind

originally on twitter

UMM I started furiously typing without ANY organization but im here to summarize that this is a shitty essay about taeyong's change of character over the years and how it's driving me NUTS

--- the thing is i never bought into the whole "taeyong used to be a bad boy" narrative and the reason i started stanning him to begin with was finding out he's actually a gentle boy from NCT life and other interviews and realities shows and like......generally my thoughts on the scandal (which changes all the time and i dont know the whole story) is that first of all it's a stupid ass fucking issue to have a scandal around and that second it seems overboard to the point where SM rolled with it and made him apologize demurely and appear guilty rather than defend him in order to push his soft boy image even more? because they were creating a "cold and unapproachable" image FOR him during debut and actively having him and other members demonstrate that he's "actually really gentle" like, this was SM's own doing, which means as time went on especially when CB rolled around you can start to see that the "soft boy" who cooks and cleans and takes care of members like a good leader image is to some extent a construction as well because taeyong is not rly a natural leader, there are members who begin to stand out as having that role instead and taeyong can comfortably retreat a little into the regular person that he is WHICH, at that point, i loved even more because hey he's happy and that makes me happy, i know enough about the person at the core of "taeyong" to bias him no matter what kind of a person he is cuz its always within the bars of standard deviation. to me his image progressed smth along the lines of this starting from rookies era till about...like limitless even they really wanted to push his image as being a dancer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wEdZKC0orM), and when i first saw this i was in luv but the more i got to know him the more i realized this is something they would've choreographed for kai, it's a style of sharp snaps and smooth curves and hitting the points that kai loves doing, kai taemin etc like knowing SM's history of dancers this feels more like them than taeyong, and ofc being a rookie ty must learn to be ABLE to technically execute things like this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvniaVnTKQI), cool sharp and hard hitting, which falls in line with the "seems cool but is sweet" dichotomy they had for him around NCT U/FT era (like grey hair era) and i ALWAYS think about this interview (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZMb7t_cH10) where they asked the team dance or music aND LIKE BESIDES WINWIN WHO OBV CHOSE DANCE TY CHOSE DANCE BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT BECAUSE its so different from how im used to when i watch dancers like i dont think taeyong necessarily worships dancing because he seems to LOVE music as much as dance because theyre both means to express himself thru (and i personally think he answered dance cuz he's "dancer" but fk do i know) and like from the moment limitless hit and he was put in a SOFT SWEATER and there were suddenly 9 people and johnny existed and carried them thru variety taeyong has significantly retreated more into the background and limitless is where he starts to FEEL his identity a little more and so he WRITES things like BDLI, he SAYS things like "i loved this line so much", because they're starting to move from their cool-but-not-quite-relatable, not quite touchable, exclusive and distant kind of music towards something more "true and free" which is at the core of the whole band's image (bUT LITERALLY!! WARM SWEATERS) and i cant say for sure it wouldve been this era when he relaxed his image a little more but this would be when i realized like "Ah this is just a regular kid who's good at some things" from the way members act around him and things they say and the things he does ofc its still genuine and he loves his members but its no longer "i go out of my way all the time to make sure everyone is ok" (like, like taeil johnny say he leads more by charisma and energy than by emotional care, more on this later) like he's just another person in the dorm, he's sensitive but also over sensitive he gets offended, he has disagreements w them, hes 20 something not a mother, hes just a kid who's talented and skilled and loves art and ofc i LOVED that and i wish i was fkcng around for this era but only in hindsight when CB era rolled around can i assume this is what linked the kid he was at debut with the MONSTER WE SEE NOW AND LIKE HERE COEMS CHERRY BOMB ERA WHICH IS MY FUCKING FAVE WHICH IS WHERE HE SAYS THINGS LIKE "I have an introverted personality but i think it makes me powerful; it helps me know myself better; it's like going through a "late-puberty"" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1LiUAqO1BA) AND THIS VIDEO KILLS ME EVERY FUCKING TIME BECAUSE YOU SEE IT............THE MOMENT HE GOT HIS PINK HAIR, THE MOMET HE GOT THOSE COLOR LENSES AND THE HEAVY EYE MAKEUP HE LITERALLY FINALLY WENT FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR (https://www.instagram.com/p/BWzjNIEBj16/) TO LOOKING LIKE HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW HOT HE IS LEADING THEIR TEAM AT THE CENTER OF THE FUCKING STAGE TO THE POINT WHERE HE TURNS HIMSELF ON (THAT CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!) TO WRITING THINGS LIKE WHIPLASH WHERE HE KNOWS HOW HOT IT IS THAT HE'S COME SO FAR AND BECOME SO CAPABLE (THE BEST OF THE BEST) AND HOW MUCH HOTTER IT IS THAT HE WANTS TO BE DOMMED, TO DOING WHAT ENDED MY LIFE TODAY IF THE MULTITUDE OF HALF-BONERS AND SEX FACES ON STAGE I NTHE PAST MONTH HASNT WHICH IS FLIRT ON NATIONAL TV (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAyYCV1CnYc) AND CHECKING OUT A GIRL WITHOUT GIVING A SINGLE FUCK (https://twitter.com/moontaeyong95/status/921462333532200960/video/1) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LIKE ???? where did we come from ???? and where are we now???? 1. "cool looking good leader dancer soft boy" 2. more ambiguous, more real, stays true to his own multifaceted personality and style 3. an absolute beast coming to realize his power for the first time going back to dance: from recent solo stages and the way he's been dancing the choreo (more expressive, less perfect and rigid) i get the feeling like he's always been less about motional perfection than just feeling the music so much that he goes crazy with it, and that's more or less what i fucking love about NCT as a whole, is that nobody really has clearly defined roles, no one ever introduces themselve as "hello I'm NCT's rapper xxx", "I'm NCT's dancer xxx", because theyre all just "artists" without these arbitrary limits, and they can indulge in this in whatever form they like, as whatever aspect of their identities they feel like being today: "hello, i'm mark in a pink sweater." (http://www.vlive.tv/video/19700?channelCode=DEE409) it's not that he loves dance more than anything, its not that he loves rap more than anything, he just....he just fucking lvoes life? he loves his life? taeyong's artistry comes from whatever it is he's feeling within and in whatever form he's feeling it and that's what ive come to rly love about him, it's about appreciating what HE's feeling and how he's showing it to us and lately he's been so, SO into the music. he's so into it that i couldnt believe it at first and thought it meant he was tired (https://youtu.be/sQO3TJfOf7M) but he's actually and i quote egg, "probably just really turned on". and chuseok passed and i thought he'd go home and take care of his ~needs~ and come back after learning how to CHILL but I GUESS APPARENYL FUCKING NOT BECAUSE HE'S GOD DAMN WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS TO SEOUL FASHION WEEK LIKE HE KNOWS HES THE HOTTEST FUCKIG N THING IN THE WORLD AND CHECKING OUT THAT GIRL WITH SO MUCH CONFIDENCE AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE POINT OF THIS POST IS THAT IM SO FUCKING GLAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT HE LOOKS SO CONFIDENT LIKE HES FINALLY GROWN INTO HIMSELF AND ACCEPTED THE REALITY OF HIS POTENTIAL AND ALL THAT HE CAN BE AND IS FINALLY TAKING CHARGE OF IT AND SHAPING IT INTO SOMETHING OF HIS OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LITERALLY CANT ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ITS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ANYTHING HES DONE OS FAR AND IM LOSING MY G*D DAMN MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES ON A RAMPAGE SM ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE NOT CUZ I HOPE HE NEVER GETS STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's it this whole thing has no other purpose i just wanted to say i love him right now like this thank you for reading