#but him thinking that ethan would ever accept his deal was just delusional

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

"You and me, Ethan. Together we go save Rose, and then we can grind Miranda into paste!"

[nicolespeaks]

It's like he gets pissed at me for not being over anything, for beating him down, but he feels so guilty for her he takes shrooms with her, considers her feelings, has sex with her because he feels bad, and he tells me it's not that bad? No what I did was bad but doesn't he realize why I was like that? How he was treating the whole thing? He says I'm too much and crazy yet she's over here being completely delusional on her Twitter and he's okay with that? How does that tell that he loves me, he cares for me? Why does she get the better treatment, when I literally acted like her cause he lets her do whatever she wants. He thinks I wanted to be like this? No. Being myself with him would just get me hurt and I needed justice for myself.

Doesn't he realize how unfair he is? I can't fuck anyone without a condom but he can, cause he has a dick? He can go into an entire relationship with them, feel guilty for them, take shrooms with them, but I can't ever fuck these guys?

I keep trying to find a way to make him understand but he has proven he doesn't, or he doesn't care.

We are not equals, and I'm self righteous for thinking I'm better. Yet he doesn't understand I respect him so much that I will do anything to make me the bad person. He doesn't understand that people won't give him the patience or consideration that I've given him for the shit he's done.

He wants to talk to her and pull away from her slowly and I can't interfere cause he has to do it his way. I try to get my independence, understand why people like him and her do this, and I'm the fucking bitch.

If he understood me at all he would know how much I love him to do this for him. How in order to have him, keep him in my life, I have to do crazy shit because I cannot be better than him. And that's my fucked up mindset. That's what I had to believe to survive my childhood, to survive my trauma and pain. He adds to it but it's my fault, and when I try to take responsibility, do the right thing, he rejects it. He rejects me.

We have only gotten this far by my resilience, not his.

I act out of fear because he acts out of fear. I try to act out of just and right and he rejects that. If he chooses to do something that is less painful, knowing it will hurt me, why can't I do the same? If he can follow his fucked up mindset of lying to me, getting in a relationship with her, doing shrooms with her and fucking her afterwards to make up for his panic attack, why can't I fuck other people to deal with my pain, so that I can be with him?

He fuels me to do wrong by saying if he has to hear about this in Atlanta he's done. Ive stopped myself from doing wrong because I know it gets no results, but when did he ever stop himself? When I stopped myself so many times when did he ever? And I'm the fucked up one for that? I'm the bad one? Does he see why I do things, his role in all of this? Doesn't he understand that I always talk about us because there's core issues at hand that I'm not okay with? But I'm the difficult one, I never let things go. What has he let go of? Not dean. Not matt. No john or Ethan or Markus. So why do I have to let go of the literally fucking trauma he's caused me, just because he doesn't want to deal with his problems?

It's unfair. I try so hard to find justice for myself. I try so hard to forgive forget and move on, but what do I get in return? Why would I accept that for myself? Because he does? For why? Out of fear? If he truly wanted me he wouldn't have done the things he did, and if he wants to justify it in any way then he can't come down on me for doing the exact same thing.

I've learned how to fuck up by him. I copy peoples mistakes, the ways they've hurt me. I give it back to them and let them know and understand what it feels like to be me, but god I'm the bad one for doing so. That's the fucking point.

There are so many things I want to tell you, but I know not to.

You have been inconsistent, inconsiderate, dishonest,and unfair to me. You already know this, you probably defend it. You don't follow your own philosophies, especially when it comes to me, and I only try to make you see and understand that.

You don't understand that I do exactly what you do to me. Sex is just sex? Then why can't I have sex, why is it bad if I cum, why is it bad for me to want sex with someone other that you? Because we're not having sex? Is that how you value our sex? And if I have sex with someone else, you feel insecure and invalid? Do you not understand that is what you did to me, that is how I feel. yet you reject my perspective and go on about the differences in males and females.

You were mad at me for texting dean, smiling and laughing. You say you're confused by my true thoughts and feelings, that from the texts it sounds like I was in love with dean. You say you may have done stuff but you never lost your feelings for me and you always knew what you wanted. Then were those lies to tiny? Did you not say all those things to her? Were those your true thoughts and feelings or was it just conversation, were you just pretending? Don't you know I have to separate myself completely from you in order to have feelings for someone else? Is that not what you did with her?

You say I didn't follow the rules, I always went back on my word. Well I felt like it was a little ridiculous being considerate of you when you weren't considerate of me. Youve always lied. You've always hidden things from me. I at least told you up front, even when you found out, but you always lied and hid the truth. I was punished for going back on my word, lying, hiding things from you, but you never stopped lying yourself. You never understood not to do that again and I trusted you to have learned your lesson. Don't you think I hid and lied because that's what you did to me?

I went to dean because he was someone who made me feel happy and understood. He was the closet person to me that I could use to set an example. I was never to fuck him again, I should know that? But didn't you know never to speak to her again, fuck her again, lie to me again? You did it because you felt bad? That justifies it, makes you righteous? I did it to feel happy, I did it to desensitize myself from the pain, to understand how you felt and why you did it, even if you loved me while.

You would've never told me you fucked her, did shrooms with her, met up with her, talked to her. You say I make up my own perspective and I don't think about the reality of things, that they're not that bad? Then why is it bad when I do the same thing? If it's that bad to me, why cant I feel that way? You want me to always move on from the pain you've caused me, you think it all stops the day it comes out, but no, it never stops, and how you treat everything makes it worse.

You're mad at me for going to John's house while you were at your family's. Didn't you call tiny while you were sick, whenever you went out, while I was at home having panic attacks and keeping myself from calling and texting you, trying to trust you, and then eventually trusting you only to prove myself right, I can't. You said all those pictures were ruined, yet are upset at me for wanting to forget the song I wrote for your birthday when you told her you were sick on your birthday, probably reading the tweet later on.

He never seem to understand how much your hurt is, how long it lasts. You think that I should be past it because you've shoved it down and have more important things going on. I have responsibilities too, and this have taken over my life. It's pain, it's trauma, it fucks you up and you can't expect me or anyone to just shove it down and be done.

You begged me to take you back after I found out, then you yell and shout at me for talking to people on tinder, being confused in my own feelings, my own world.

If you say you understood how fucked up I got, then you would know not to minimize my suffering, not to invalidate my perspective. Don't you think I do things in retailiation? I make my suffrage worse to try and make it obvious that this is very big for me, cause no one ever seems to take my seriously. Don't you think I do things in retailiation because I am so miserable, I feel unloved and stuck, and I feel anger at you for a multitude of reasons. And you still ask me to stop. If you understood, if you really loved me like how you said, you would let me feel my feelings. You would understand how fucking troubled I am, how I don't know myself, how I can't fucking be.

I say I understand your side and you say then I should be done. You say you understand my side but that it's still a lot to deal with. Do you not think it's the same for me? Why, why do you hurt me this way?

You have a low tolerance for discomfort, pettiness. Then can't I have a low tolerance for pain, humiliation, cruelty?

You have been unfair and unkind to me. You have never been on my side, I have never felt understood or welcomed. And I make it worse, cause it's so unbearable to accept, that you cannot accept me.

You say you're here pouring your love out and I'm texting dean. I poured my heart out and wrote you a song, I was completely raw with you, but you called her behind my back. I was always pouring my heart out, you were never ready for it, you pushed me away. I've pushed you away from good reason, for fear, and just because you're ready now does not mean I am and you can't except that of me.

You're still not someone I need you to be, and I have serious trouble dealing with that. This thing that you can't do, that I need you to do, that I can't do for myself or it's a whole problem, would fix everything. But, you still can't.

Don't you see how far you shove me down below you? You want this to be a mutual relationship but only on your terms. You shove me down and keep me down and asking me why I'm drowning. You say I've helped and taught you so much, that you would be closer to be ready each time we hit rock bottom. But never were you ready on your own. You say you're doing the work now and I should receive it? What happened to all the times you promised and I got nothing? When you begged and cried to me not to do this and I took pity on you? You say I want this too? Do you really believe you ever gave me the choice?

Very much I think about you asking me if I was gonna ride with you. The incomprehensible thought of being without you. It's an undeniable choice, but it comes with the consequence of loving you. With it, I must take on all this pain and I don't want that, that's not fair to me. And for me to cope, to be okay with it all? I have to do something fucked up, I have to put you on the same level as me cause no fucking way am I going to be with a man who is below me.

I have always done that with you. Too many times I've fucked up myself, but it's clear which mistakes are influenced by yours.

Now I still sit with the thought of how to heal. If I heal for you, because you want me to stop talking about this, I'll always hold resentment. If I heal for myself, by myself, and let my soul come together, I'll have to think of you in lesser terms. And with lesser terms comes lesser feelings, and if I realize that this is all bullshit, that this is what true love is, I'll forever be ashamed.

These stains on our timeline will never fade. And we can get farther and farther from it, but how embarrassing is it to look back at where we fucked up, where we made awful awful mistakes, and the fucking lies we had to accept to get to where we are in that moment? It's selling yourself, selling who you are in exchange for a reality of pain out of the fear of being alone and nothing.

I never wanted my relationship to be like that, how can I accept a man like that? Where is the understanding, the trust in this connection we have? Why is there insecurity, why is there doubt at all? You're not the man I needed, or wanted, and I'm not the woman you needed or wanted in your life either. The differences we have are battle cries. But yours is always the loudest.

For now, as I heal myself, I do it in spite more than love for myself. I'll show you who I am, since you can't figure it out. I'll show you again, and when you do the same thing over again, instead of beating you down, I'll forgive you, and I'll move on, and I'll let you see who I can be when the people I love hurt me, and I hope it's then you realize what I had to do to keep my love for you alive cause if I forgive you, you'll know I'll love you less.

Out of pettiness or immaturity I have no care of finding out. Spitefulness is set in my heart and I would never accept loving you without it. Why? Cause that's not who I am.