#but hey I can’t write a shopping story where most of it is stella annoying musa right?

[devilheartsblog]

Dark Harmony Update!

Gonna tag @lonelybiscuits in this.

Ok so I decided to do short episodes which are for storylines or plot points which I can’t fit in or stretch out into a full story. So they’re tiny sections which provide a bit of context for more important bits later on.

Hope you guys enjoy it. I know I do since I get to update the stories a little bit quicker. But they’re also pretty spare.

[jawnjendes]

tell me that i’m not crazy | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

masterlist | series playlist

It's a psychological fact that you have multiple versions of yourself that you present at different times. You are not the same person in everyone's eyes.

Being self-aware and moderately narcissistic, I detected a few of those selves. Girlfriend Me: Still reserved, but letting loose. Affectionate and supportive. Less bitchy than normal. Adored by Shawn Mendes for some reason. Extended Family Me: Quiet and moody. She wants to be anywhere but here. Constantly pestered to bring someone home. Customer Service Me: Professional, but shy. Blunt and efficient. Always smiling even though she wants to die. Finally, Crazy Me: Nervous and insecure. Bursting at the seams. Wanting to talk but fears being ridiculed and rejected.

You could understand why I didn't want to tell Shawn about Luca being my coworker. He didn't ask if I still saw Luca at all, because I had told him I cut the bastard off… on a personal level. Professionally, I saw Luca 3 times a week. We work at the same car dealership. That's how we met.

It was less stressful having to see Luca at work now that I wasn't hung up on him. As long as he called me a bitch and ridiculed me constantly, I was okay. As long as I had Shawn to be kind to me, everything was fine.

It was easy for me to sit behind a desk at the window of a tiny office. I worked with three other people in this office: Stacy, the business manager who never stayed past 2 o'clock. Then there was Jason, the salesman who was always stoned. Finally, there was Luca, the other salesman who got up in everyone's business. He and Jason were very good friends outside of work, and they sat at their respective desks at the back of the office when they weren't out in the showroom entertaining customers. I was stationed at the front, being the receptionist. It was easy keeping my back to everyone else.

Being at a car dealership, I had quite a few boring responsibilities. They were all easy, and done quickly. so the only thing I had to worry about was answering the phone every so often. Most of the time, I was catching up on coursework and pretending not to listen to Jason and Luca banter.

“Imagine having a car in the twentieth century,” Jason sarcastically droned on.

“Couldn't be me,” Luca finished.

Yes, 90% of their conversations went like that. You could say my sense of humor warped a little because of them. I mean, I still find offensive jokes to be far from funny, and that was the other ten percent. I lose my one brain cell just by sitting in this office.

The phone rang just after Jason and Luca started talking about women in a vulgar manner. I quickly got annoyed by the amount of testosterone increasing in the room, so I was glad to have a distraction. I picked up the receiver and said the usual professional greeting in the cheeriest tone I could muster.

“So that's your happy voice, eh?”

Just like that, I unclenched and dropped the fake tone. “Hey, you.”

“No, no,” Shawn said, “go back to the other voice. I'm a loyal, paying customer here!”

I giggled. “Maybe later. What's up?”

“Wanted to see if you're hungry. I can pick you up on your lunch break.”

“Yes, please. I need to get out of here for a bit. I'll be ready in about an hour.”

“Perfect, I'll see you then.”

We hung up, and my cheeks were burning. I didn't realize I was beaming until I turned in my seat.

Luca and Jason had walked up next to me, clearly interested in what I had been doing. Luca had a shit eating grin on his face.

“Who was that?” he asked in the most ten-year-old sounding voice.

“Don't worry about it,” I snapped.

“Someone's got a boyfriend!”

“But bro,” Jason piped up, “she doesn't like anybody.”

I chuckled. “True. But my guy likes me, so…”

“Who is he?” Luca asked, sitting in the chair next to me. “Since when did you get a mans?”

I gave him a pointed look. “Why do you care?”

“You're just not the relationship type, y’know?” Jason answered.

“D’you loooove him?” Luca teased.

I scoffed. “Oh, now you wanna talk about my feelings? You never did before!”

Luca’s grin faltered. His face flushed.

“What does that mean?” Jason asked.

“Nothing. She's kidding.”

Oh yeah. No one ever knew about mine and Luca's office fling. It took me a while to realize it was because he was embarrassed of me. I know, what the hell was I thinking, getting involved with someone like that?

~

A typical Friday night for me consisted of skincare and watching whatever TV show I was intensely fixated on. Whether or not Shawn joined me, it was my personal recharging time. My life has gotten so mundanely stressful that I looked forward to sitting on my dorm room couch alone.

Tonight was different. Shawn was going to sing at a bar downtown, and I promised him I would go. I managed to string along my roommate, Stella, so I wouldn't be sitting at a table by myself. She was the one who brought me to Shawn's show long before he and I started dating. Stella now takes full responsibility for getting my introverted ass into a relationship.

Shawn had to get to the bar early to set up, so I showed up with Stella on my arm. We grabbed a table near the back window, away from where the band was setting up. As soon as we were sitting down, I texted Shawn to let him know I had arrived.

“So he's gotten you outta the dorm,” Stella commented, “yet you still manage to place yourself in the corner of the room.”

I shrugged. “As long as he knows I'm here.”

Stella hummed and then flagged down a waiter. She ordered a cocktail, and I stuck with water.

“Are you ever gonna let loose again?” she asked me once the waiter had gone.

“As long as I'm on antidepressants, I'm always loose,” I told her. I was very cautious about mixing alcohol with whatever pills I was putting into my body. I hadn't had a drink in months.

“Does your mans know you take antidepressants?”

“He will.” Maybe. Probably… not.

Shawn performed a few minutes later. He was insanely good at working the crowd. Then again, there were some enthusiastic fangirls standing directly in front of the stage that got everyone else into it. Can't say I blame ‘em.

I was what you call a “metal head” and also a “nerd.” I was also a “supportive goth gf,” meaning I always listened to Shawn's music when he wasn't around. I told him I lived for the slow, sad songs, especially Mercy. Secretly, I fully bopped to all of his fun, upbeat songs. Even more secretly, it brought me immense joy to see Shawn sing his heart out on stage. I was his biggest fan, though I would never tell him that. It would just go straight to his ego.

The song I loved hearing the most was Mercy. It was the first of Shawn's songs I had ever heard. It resonated with me deeply a few months ago, just after I had left Luca. I got very choked up hearing Shawn sing it in that little coffee shop. Later, when Stella introduced me, he said he had seen my face in the crowd. He knew it hit home.

We are very happy now, I swear.

I can say with confidence that the past is behind me. Now, Mercy is my favorite song because of Shawn, not the guy that came before him. I never realized how unhappy I was until I wasn't anymore. Therapy, medication, and new people made their contributions.

~

“You look so happy when you're up there,” I told Shawn once we were back at his place.

He had been beaming since we left the bar. A couple of drinks may have had something to do with that. “I am happy. I get so giddy every time I get to sing. I wish I could do it all the time.”

We sat on the couch, basking in the silence. Shawn slung his arm around me, euphoria still radiating off his whole body. I looked up at him, and I couldn't help but hug him around his middle. I felt a bit mushy.

“Proud'a you,” I told him.

Once I was in that position, Shawn took full advantage and lied us back across the couch. I was somewhat awkwardly on top of him, so I shifted my legs so I was practically straddling him. Then, I lied my head on his chest.

“Did you have fun? I saw you all the way in the back,” Shawn said.

“Yeah, I had fun. I love that you kept Mercy in the set.”

“I know it’s your favorite.”

There were things I wanted to know about that particular song when I first heard it. Of course, I didn’t want to seem nosy or interested when I first met Shawn. But now we were out in the open, and it was getting easier to do things like talk normally.

“Who hurt you so bad you had to write a song?” I asked as I sat up, still on top of him.

Shawn was smiling up at me, very aware of the position we were in. However, he still answered my question. “Actually… Mercy was about a friend of mine. He went through that.”

That was brand new information. No, seriously. I actually had to get off of Shawn’s lap to process this. “You write other people’s stories?”

He sat up and made space for me to sit next to him again. “Sometimes. This one in particular was about my friend having a complicated relationship with a girl he works with.”

I chuckled. “I know that feeling all too well.” Then, as a joke, “That guy wouldn’t happen to work at a car dealership, would he?”

“He does, actually.”

My entire body shifted away from Shawn. Okay, this was getting weird. I work at a car dealership. I had a complicated relationship with a coworker. Not to mention, Shawn was quite popular and knew people all over the area, and he was a regular at my dealership. My favorite song was slipping through my fingers.

Shawn didn’t seem too concerned. “It’s probably a coincidence, babe.”

“What’s his name, then?” I had told him quite a bit about my past relationship, apart from the guy’s name. I had so many questions.

“Luca…”

I stared at my boyfriend in utter shock, while he had a look of disbelief on his face.

“No. No way. I wrote Mercy over a year ago. Plus, he was high when he was telling me about-”

“He’s always high!” I snapped. “The only time he isn’t is when his pen runs out of whatever-the-fuck!”

I couldn’t believe it. My current boyfriend knows my ex… flame. My ex flame talked about me to my current boyfriend, before he was my boyfriend. The song that came out of it was my favorite song. If that wasn’t the most fucked up fanfic scenario ever-

Oh god. What if they had seen each other when Shawn picked me up from the dealership? What would have happened? What kind of shit would Luca had given me? What would Shawn have said to him?

“When exactly did this happen?” I asked, mildly frantic. “How long have you known him? How long have you known about me?”

“I didn’t know it was you,” Shawn said. “He always called you ‘the girl from work,’ and some other things that upset me now that you’re my girlfriend. I met Luca in one of my classes last year. Sometimes we smoked together, but I never considered him an actual friend.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “If I had known you then, and if I knew what was really going on, I wouldn’t have…”

Here I thought Luca was far too embarrassed of me to even act like I exist. I had been under the impression that he never thought of me when we weren’t in the backseat of my car. I thought all of his friends were just as bad as he was… but he knows Shawn well enough to confide in him? Or rather, Luca told Shawn I gave him such a hard time that he had to beg for mercy?

“I know you spent a lot of time being pissed at him,” Shawn told me after a while, “but he really did have feelings for you.”

I let the words sink in for a minute. “That… That is the fattest fucking load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I never thought of Luca as that type of guy. He’s pretty reserved, but-”

“Still a grade A asshole. He was way different when it was me and him. Sometimes he was nice to me. Most times, he acted like I didn’t exist, and if he did, he called me a bitch or a whore or he made some rude comment about anything I was doing. He thought I was insane for trying to call him my boyfriend, but he would beg to get into my pants every few weeks. I was too emotional, too cringey, too goth, not sexy enough. I was never enough for him, so don’t tell me he ever had feelings because that’s not what I saw.”

Shawn had a sad look in his eyes. He nodded lightly.

“And worst of all, he ruined my favorite song by my favorite person.”

“I’ll write you a new one. A better one. You’ll never have to hear Mercy again.”

[berrycakeness]

It’s the blog post you’ve been waiting for…

So there are a couple of reasons why it’s taken me so long to blog about my birthday:

1) My Birthday celebrations were extended excessively (I still have two more outings planned). I wanted to encapsulate all events into one post.

2) Work has been relentless, and the last thing I’ve had motivation for is to write.

Anyway, ignoring the fact I have a chocolate workshop and a cocktail night to look forward to, I shall start at the best place – the start.

“I turned 30”

I had a nightmare the night before, and slept awfully on my birthday too. Either I was seriously affected by the ageing process or I think too much. I expect the latter, now off to frantically Web M.D the first.

Nothing much else has changed. I’m definitely however less likely to be the youngest person in the room. Bouncers will stop asking for ID and I’ll start drinking tonic water. Slimline obvs. As I have a fair few (older) friends who have long passed through to their 40’s or have recently levelled up, I think everything’s gunna be alright. (Name that tune, not too hard..).

I have developed an awareness of younger people more so than ever. I know for certain I’m that twat who reminds people of our age difference, but since I’ve realised recently that they teach GOOGLE DOCS in schools and not trusty ol’ Microsoft office, I now understand the generation gap. Now off to frantically join the Google learning centre. Oh my, ‘the’ and ‘google’ should never sit side by side in a sentence. Ever.

My first event was a great kick off to the new decade. Annie treated me to a wonderful set of presents. I received my sparkly new ipad case after a day of shopping and a wonderful 9 course dinner with champagne. Yes, 9 courses. Mitz and Nolwenn joined us and we stuffed ourselves with the finest of yum. We didn’t take photos, we were being too sociable for that. Of course that means I don’t have anything to share from the experience other than the memory of fine dining and wanting every dinner to taste amazing forever more. The venue was Eight Club Moorgate, a private club that has opened up it’s doors to us common folk. I recommend it highly, but definitely midweek. We had the best table in the house and were served by very attentive staff. The company was perfect, and I will remember the night for a long time to come. Thank you ladies for a fabulous evening.

 A very berry cocktail. Or two.

Next? Hmm. What was next…*checks diary, facebook and whatsapp*

I think it was my actual birthday, which I always try to spend with my parents as y’know, they gave me life and apparently I owe them some of my very valuable time every now and then. Valuable time I must add that I could spend watching shit on Netflix. Ah I’m joking, I’d be asleep instead.

Just before that though, I went to work. I try to go to work on my birthday as otherwise I’d just sit alone doing not much all day. Stevie gave me a traditional Edinburgh breakfast of a bottle of Irn Bru and a chocolate croissant (She’s a posh scot really), and around halfway through the day I was presented with a card and a balloon. Eventually my real present was given to me a few days after the day which was a beer tour! I’ve yet to cash in my vouchers so one of you lucky people will get to come with me. Unless I can go twice…ha.

SCOTLAND!

LAD LAD LAD LAD

My birthday dinner was our traditional family pasta that my dear mother makes so well. It’s a variety of vegetables in tomato sauce with the all important ingredient of bacon. And a side of garlic bread. Home comfort is what I needed the most, and I throughly enjoyed my time. Got some cash from the folks (make it raaaain), a switch game from Tom, Annie had already given me my presents and nothing from Lewis. A promise of a present was given, and I waited patiently (more to come).

My birthday weekend was prebooked many months prior, not particularly for my birthday but I’m counting it. C2C festival!

  Yes, I’m a little bit country. Ok, maybe a bit more than a little. Leaky, Lewis (still without present, attempted to make me want a cowboy hat) and I started the weekend with a bit of booze, and a lot of music. My first festival of the year (second was a beer festival), we swayed, bopped and did a bit of a jig in our seats to a few of our favourites and some new favourites. That list includes: Old Dominion, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Luke Combs, Little Big Town, Lindsay Ell and Lukas Nelson, who happens to be in a rock band but also happens to be Willie Nelsons son. Leaky almost died of boredom listening to EmmyLou Harris and disappeared to (I assume) cry halfway through.

So that’s the first week of March out of the way, and this post is beginning to become a novel. Still, I shall prevail and continue to make you wait for my birthday party verbiage.

Di, Stevie and I went out midweek and I made Di drink a glass of limes.

Boozing on a weekday

Limey goodness

The party. See, I didn’t make you wait too long.

I didn’t spend too much time with party prep this time, but as tradition dictates I took a day off to bake and to get some posters printed, but mostly enjoyed my day off drinking buckets of coffee. The theme was fancy dress, because I’m annoying like that. The fancy dress theme was musicians, which confused a few people. Apparently musicians write their own music, and so I was limiting the choice to people who were dead or too current. Regardless, I stormed ahead.

There’s not much to write about, so I will leave the pictures to tell their own story. However, it was a fantastic party and I was so glad to have lots of different friends from various walks of live attend.

Yearly photo with the flatmate

Crime busters of the sea..

Slash was supposed be swearing, but peace got in the way.

Mr and Mrs Cash, with their dearest little Ring o’fire

Cowgirl and the Dandy.

Bowiecarter

Bowiecash

Bowietracy

Where’s your Stash, Johnny Cash?

Siblings + Johnny Cash.

Moby no dick?

Midst performance of Believe.

HEY BRITNEY! Madonna ft Britney

Dollybowiecher

Bettecherbowie

Madonnabowiechercarter

Boobs propping up the keys nicely there. Apparently chord playing.

Laughing Cherbowie, pretty June!

Queen Cherbowie

Selfie

Selfie

Selfie

Give a girl a headpiece and a boy some boot covers and all of a sudden they’re fashionistas.

BetteMichael

Costumes off, no idea who these people are

Shark attack!

The datties face pull in town.

Dancing in the ring of fire, with a can of Stella.

Even inflatable monkeys need a drink

Beat that drum

I mustache you a question.

Duckface!

You’re a wizard, Harry.

BetteSlash

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE

A lap dance, with a can of stella.

Dolly Sharkton goes to bed

Alright, I had about 6 different costumes but it was my birthday (month) and I could do what I wanted to do. (Name that tune, adapted to past tense). The intention was to start as Bowie and morph into Cher. Once Cher, I was to change my wigs periodically throughout the night. However, I rushed it and did it throughout the song “Believe” to much comic relief. There are a couple of videos, and as much as I would love to post them I can’t do that to myself. If you’re particularly intrigued and happen to be a friend, get me drunk and I’ll show you from a distance of at least 5 paces.

Leaky and I took the next day slowly recovering by mostly stuffing our faces.

At some point, we had work drinks to celebrate my birth. We ran up a healthy bar tab and got suitably tipsy. I chose the Draft House – Chancery Lane as it’s very close to the office and they have one of my favourite ales on tap. For the life of me, I cannot remember it’s name but I know that it is Australian, and is rather citrus tasting. Diana attacked Matt and he left soon afterwards. I walked Di to Charing Cross as she cannot be trusted to walk alone anymore (I’ve made it a regular excuse to walk more steps of an evening – not that she’s drunk every time..) and got home later than I really should on a Thursday evening.

The reservatation was literal.

Matt attack!

That weekend was pure indulgence. Annie, Mitz, Nolwenn and I spent a weekend in a Spa in the cute town of Stratford upon Avon. Not only was it exactly what I needed, but it left me wanting even more. I need the extravagance of being pampered on a daily basis, but girl got bills to pay. Another fantastic weekend was enjoyed by all, again, thank you ladies!

Timeline wise, we’re now near to the end of March. Let us skip forward a little bit to April where I spent an evening in POTIONS CLASS.

But just before that, on Annies Birthday (8th April) Lewis gave me my present! Some great Rick and Marty merch.

Back to POTIONS CLASS. Yes, Mitz and I were given robes and a wand, and a shit ton of mysterious liquids to make the magic happen. The cynics of you may believe it was simple chemistry but that’s what they want you to believe. #fakenews

Cocktails were made and consumed in a small basement in the middle of the slightly less magical area of London – Dalston. If you’re interested, it’s called the Cauldron and it’s definitely worth a trip. A wonderful birthday present, and I felt like a true Hogwarts student. Just don’t buy their house cocktails, they were terrible. Seriously, the worst I had ever tried, except for their gin concoction and their shooter. Urgh. But otherwise, probably the best thing related to Dalston

Stir potions

From blue to purple!

Brewing with Mitz

Magical booze tree

Smoking shooters

.

Then, Jackie had been messaging me for weeks trying to get a date in the diary the diary that I kept forgetting about, but mostly being too busy with sleeping to have time for. However, we agreed a date and I made my way to Angel (my favourite part of town) for brunch at Dead Dolls House. As I had not asked Jackie any questions, I was surprised to be asked whether I wanted to start drinking straight away or until she arrived. Yes, bottomless mimosas and a very yummy brunch indeed. After our two hours of boozing, we slipped next door to sing our hearts out at Lucky Voice. I took some convincing (I think Jackie said “Ah come on, let’s do it” and then I had to convince her when we were informed of the cost of hiring “Jacks it’s the same cost of a round of drinks, it’s nothing” Note, I sometimes call her Jacks, but mostly Jackie. It depends on my mood, but I always wonder if she notices…*waves*

Despite our protests, we both walked into the room, shooed away the guy who gives you the microphone and tells you how everything works (being lucky voice, half of it never works) and sang for a good 90 minutes. Walking out at 4pm being now relatively sober and it being sunny was quite disconcerting. Jackie then treated me to some ice cream (I know it’s a bore, its just for my throat. I need a layer of protection) and overall, it was the perfect birthday day I could have hoped for. Jackie knows me well! So thank you ma’am.

And I suppose, that’s about it. Thanks to everyone who took part, you have made it a good one xxx

Every now and then I fall apart It's the blog post you've been waiting for... So there are a couple of reasons why it's taken me so long to blog about my birthday: