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oneneverknowstheblog · 4 years ago

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My Anxiety Talks Me Out of Living

Uh-oh. Another post about anxiety. I bet the baby boomers are rolling there eyes right now. Well move over boomers unless you deal with anxiety or are my parents then hi mom and dad. This is for the millennials. The ones who can’t get it together to graduate or buy a house, car or diamonds. Those diamonds sure are lonely without us. But we aren’t hear to talk about jewels. It’s the hot topic of anxiety and why it literally kills. This isn’t meant to be depressing because we all have that too. This is meant to be real.

Growing up I feel I had a normal amount of anxiety. Flying cockroach stuck in your bed room on a hot summers night. Anxiety. Trying on new clothes that my mother swears I’ll look good in but its yellow and has sunflowers on it. I’m 16. First days of school and even losing my virginity. Completely wrecked. Those are “good anxieties.” The passions of life and growing up. Fight or flight. And I would like to think of myself as a fighter. But after a traumatic breakup with my boyfriend of five years I was fragile. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and had no desire to do anything.

“Oh pish posh J that’s normal after a breakup.” Yeah I know Karen. It is. I missed him. I was thrown into impossible situations and weeks went by and I overcame that stuff. But even after it feels like I am completely rewired. For example, all of my favorite things that I love to eat repulse me. Cheesecake, bagels, cereal, pasta (I’m really devastated about this one). It’s not just certain foods either its flavors and smells and textures. I love to cook, I love to eat—completely rewired. But there’s more. No desire to play games or wash or read or have light come in the room, obsessed with technology I.e. facebook or instagram.

I’ve lived in my apartment for about a month and I feel like it’s my safe space. Not quite homey but good enough. Nothing can compare to the house you grow up in. But there I shine. I have my foods that I don’t eat and my video games I don’t play and my clothes I don’t bother to put on and so on. But today was a good day. I had a hearty breakfast of roasted peanuts, Pringles and Lacroix and I even played some tomb raider. Suddenly my friend who I had been texting all morning puts the idea in my head that I should go out and write. The annoying bee that he is I decided what the hell and made plans. I got dressed. Put on a cute outfit made my bed, took a couple selfies [insert instagram selfie], put a vacuum up for sale on the marketplace, made a chicken salad for lunch while watching living single, packed my bag and filled up my canteen. I was ready to go. I even smoked some CBD. Then as soon as I closed the door and turned my fancy green key to the lock position all of that energy disappeared. I loathed the idea of going out on such a nice cool summer day after weeks of grueling heat. I despised the idea of writing because I thought I wasn’t going to come up with anything. So I decided to unlock my front door and curl back into bed, right?

Wrong. I talked to myself. I said I would go. Go. I walked to the elevator and called it. It came. I got on. Another strong wave of anxiety rushed through me. I can’t do this. The elevator doors opened and I stepped into the lobby of my apartment building and I stood there frozen. It was starting to consume me. Just take a step outside. It’s so nice. So I did. And I hated it. Of course it was gorgeous outside and just the right temperature but I felt out of place. Out of my comfort zone. It’s just outside so what’s the big deal. I don’t know. It just is. Some unwanted chemical release or a light switch in my brain convincing me I am not gonna enjoy this. So what do I do? I convince back. For every flight impulse I chose to fight. I’m cold. You’ll live. The walk is so far. Cut that laziness out. I’m not even going to tackle the story I want. So what? There might not be anywhere to sit. J, get a grip cause we are doing this. And I continued that war from my house until about two blocks away from the park when I got the idea to write this.

I would’ve missed out on so much stuff. Gerard the Squirrel, 60 year old white man killing it practicing soccer, black men playing chess and tiny children running around with large foam hatchets. I not making this up. I even got to witness some weird cane twirling. The nostalgic sound of an ice cream truck that makes me thing of my grandmother and the itchy chilling tickling feeling of just sitting on the grass. But most importantly doing the one thing I came here to do: write. Humans and animals and objects all coexisting and I would’ve missed that. All of the magic that surrounds me. And I would’ve missed the comfort that it brings. Yes I was scared to go outside and exist. I could feel it in my freaking chest like a heartache. But I kept deciding to take another step. I talked to myself and made a deal. Just an hour and If I hate it I’m gone. Back to epic Lara Croft deaths, Kelela and Instagram. It’s torture. That I am afraid to live life and I am controlled by fear more than ever.

For a second I thought sick cane twirling guy with the bandana and tattoos probably lives his best life every day. He just does it. But that’s a foolish and selfish thought. Cane twirling guy could have a miserable 9-5 and this has been the first time he could even twirl his cane in months because he’s so buys. Or not. But I can’t assume that I am the only one out here not having a true blue hard time. Everybody deals with anxiousness in different levels and capacities. Nobody has it together and social media dehumanizes the human experience. So don’t put that title on random strangers and don’t put anymore pressure on yourself.

If you put yourself out there and stick to your plans then something will have to happen. You’ll have a funny human interaction or engage all of your senses. You might even be rewarded with shirtless cane twirling guy. I bet he does it with fire. Oh I can top that though. Shirtless cane twirling guy teaching an adorable stranger kid how to cane twirl. He later went on to become cane twirling champion of the world. Life can be magic. Go see and contribute to the magic. Convince your anxiety and tell that bitch to shut the fuck up.

Written 8/23/2019

#depression #writers on tumblr #anxiety #emotions #feelings #new blog #blogger #lifestyle #anonymous

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stagesofabreakup · 7 years ago

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Stages of a Breakup: Week 51

1. Set an alarm to get up and go to the gym

2. Get up

3. Do not go to the gym

4. Watch The Office instead

5. Decide you’ll go after you see the room you might rent

6. Go there

7. See the room

8. Meet their drug dealer who just got back from a trip to South America where he did Ayahuasca and got burned with frog venom

9. Smoke a lot of weed with your potential roommates

10. “Chill” for like 4 hours

11. Buy and eat half a whole chicken with plantains and sautéed vegetables from a restaurant nearby

12. Hang out more

13. Fall in love with the dog that lives there

14. Agree to live there even though it is very messy and has no windows because you like the people and it feels like college and New York is very isolating and you think this will be good for you overall

15. Go to a mic with one of the roommates and his girlfriend

16. You’re still very high

17. Your friend Molly is at the mic thank god

18. Talk to her

19. Be interrupted by other friends she has

20. One of them says the guy who moved out of the room you just agreed to take said it was very bad living there

21. But you don’t think it’ll bother you?

22. Worry a little

23. Go up

24. Do ok!

25. For how high you are this is a good miracle

26. Walk with Molly to a fancy grocery store, she buys a salad and ice cream, the essentials

27. Her boyfriend got an interview for a writing job!

28. Walk home with her

29. It’s rainy but nice

30. You take the train to a show one of your new roommates runs/booked you on that day because you were sitting on the couch

31. Get there very early

32. Also everyone else is late

33. Charge your phone

34. Introduce yourself to what you think is another comic but turns out to just be an audience member

35. The show is called “Permission to Fail” and you’re supposed to work on new material which you do but both your new roommates are watching and you wish you had just done the hits so they know you’re very funny

36. They have to know right?

37. It doesn’t seem to matter, they hang and talk to you afterwards

38. Look up where you’re going & you all take the train together

39. It’s fun and you like them

40. Pass by Mr. Mando’s, a grocery store/produce stand

41. Buy so much fresh fruits and vegetables and it’s only 7 dollars!!!

42. Also buy a 12 pack of Rolling Rock because you love beer and it was only 10 dollars

43. Carry it all on the train for like 40 more minutes

44. Get home

45. Cherish how clean this home is and how high the ceilings are

46. Wonder if you are making a horrible mistake

47. Wish you could call your mom and get her opinion

48. You’re also a little scared to get it but ultimately you gotta know

49. Clean out some DISGUSTING food from your refrigerator

50. Eat some good food

51. Look through a lot of your old Facebook posts

52. Have maybe a crush on one of your new roommates?

53. Think about what making out with him would be like

54. Want to masturbate because soon you’ll be losing this detachable showerhead

55. Do

56. Feel physically weak from cumming so hard

57. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

58. Wake up

59. Masturbate again! You really don’t want to get this day started

60. Make a pros and cons list about the new apartment

61. Call your mom

62. Talk it over with her

63. She reminds you that you feel very comfortable around a lot of messy boys

64. Thrive even

65. Feel better

66. Put off going to the gym some more

67. Call your friend Rachel on the phone

68. She is great

69. It is Rihanna’s birthday!!!

70. Decide the gym isn’t happening for you today

71. Drink a beer

72. Eat some stuff

73. Get ready to cook all the fresh veggies you got yesterday

74. Instead make a list of your favorite comedians and a list of your least favorite comedians and publish them (just to Facebook, nothing fancy)

75. Watch lots and lots of The Office

76. Cry at Jim & Pam’s wedding

77. Make a big fun dish that’s so many things

78. Drink too much beer

79. Slow down

80. Request a day off from work to move

81. Wonder if you should do two?

82. Be excited about moving!!!!!!!

83. Have a really intense conversation with someone online about whether or not Amy Schumer raped someone

84. Try to think about packing since you have to do that in 7 days

85. Masturbate again

86. Be on the computer for H O U R S

87. Put on a dvd (Shooter)

88. Be shocked at how many people like David Letterman

89. Up

90. YOUR FRIEND JESSICA IS PREGNANT AND ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

91. Omg

92. So exciting!

93. People are at an age where they are keeping their babies so that’s always shocking

94. Eat a bowl of whatever it was you made last night (mushrooms, red & yellow peppers, brocolli, corn, kielbasa, potatoes)

95. Facebook and text and Instagram for a long time

96. Like too long

97. These screens feel like a trap lately

98. Ughhhh agree to work 1.5 hours later than you were scheduled even though you really don’t want to you just need the $$

99. Request another day off for packing cause you’re stressed

100. You should text the guy to ask him to measure to see if the bed will fit but you’re scared

101. Your friend Gabe asks if you want to talk on the phone

102. You do!!!!!

103. It helps a lot

104. You text about the bed and book a TaskRabbit which is stressful because he only has a truck and you’re not sure everything will fit in there

105. He texts back with the measurements!!!! Your bed will fit!!!! Thank the lords

106. Feel anxious

107. Start packing, decide you won’t go to the gym

108. Go to work

109. Have a fun day

110. Make not that much in tips

111. Make up for it in free shrimp that a private party leaves behind

112. Go out for drinks with coworkers/managers

113. It’s so fun!

114. Spend like 25 dollars

115. Go to another bar

116. Get a little tipsy

117. Find out one of your managers is going to be your new neighbor!!!! Like on the same block neighbor!!!!

118. You can carpool home when you’re both working and it won’t be that bad!!

119. Get driven home

120. Too drunk

121. Fall asleep without drinking any water

122. Remember to put the shrimp in the refrigerator though

123. Wake up feeling bad and with a surprisingly deep cut on your finger

124. You have a message from the guy who’s room you’re taking about a deposit

125. This is stressful, no one has mentioned this to you yet

126. Decide to ignore it? Message him back you’ll talk to the roommates

127. Ugh

128. You’re supposed to hang out with your friend Gaby today but you feel like shit and need to pack

129. See a piece in GQ about Brendan Fraser and really want to send it to your ex bc he loved him and talked about him a lot (lol) but practice restraint and don’t

130. You need to start packing!

131. Eat some shrimp

132. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone for an hour

133. Go through some clothes

134. Decide to get rid of a bunch

135. A woman posts in a secret group you’re in about a breakup and a million other women immediately start commenting & it makes you excited for the response to this project, and also proud at how far you’ve come because you realized you’re not in the thick of it anymore like she is

136. But you still need some stuff and this thread is great

137. Women are so great

138. Watch a video of Tiffany Haddish meeting Oprah

139. It’s….great

140. You really need to do laundry

141. It’s 5:53pm

142. Frame a piece of Beyonce wrapping paper you’ve had sitting next to the unopened frame for 3 months

143. You do your laundry at 8:30pm!!!!

144. It only took you the whole day ☺

145. Call your dad’s landline (which he referred to as an “LL”)

146. Get your grandma & him

147. Chat

148. Feel happy that you did at least one productive thing today

149. Bake a cake!

150. Put away the laundry while it’s baking

151. Eat 2 pieces of cake

152. Stay up way too fucking long

153. Wake up way too fucking early

154. Feel an emptiness where rest would be deep in your bones

155. Take the train for an hour

156. Babysit for 10 hours

157. Almost fall asleep 3 times

158. Get 2 free meals out of it

159. Travel another hour to Redhook to see your friend Iris and her brother Max who lives here but you haven’t seen since you moved and meet his baby!!!

160. The baby doesn’t really like you

161. Get ice cream and beer

162. Hang!!!

163. It’s so nice

164. See a video of their house you spent so much time in/grew up in now that it’s all renovated

165. Iris drives you home which is a blessing

166. Shower

167. MASTURBATE

168. Wash your hair

169. All things that needed to happen

170. Your friend Ariel offered to drive some stuff to your new house

171. You texted those boys about when to get a key and the security deposit, they haven’t responded yet which makes you nervous

172. Iris is going to stay with you the night before you move

173. Put on makeup

174. Go to work

175. Get a huge group of girls who unintentionally all wore white and only tip 3 dollars

176. Go shopping on your break

177. GET NEW SHOES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

178. Also get 2 pairs of black jeans, an item of clothing you’ve always wanted but never found that fits you!!!!

179. You have a 20$ off coupon for the shoes so they are 40 instead of 60 and the jeans were half off so they are each 25 instead of 50!

180. Call your mom and tell her how happy you are

181. Have a conversation with your co-worker about how he and his girlfriend broke up this week

182. You can’t tell if he’s hitting on you or not

183. Your cousin comes in on a date!!!!!!!!

184. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of your Grandma’s apartment

185. It’s really good to see him and you do love him

186. Make 153 dollars in tips

187. Go home

188. Eat pasta, a crabcake and real cake in that order

189. Agonize over whether or not you should switch shifts with someone for tomorrow

190. One is more money but longer and you’re so tired and you need to pack

191. But moneyyy

192. You stay up until 5:00am

193. Go to your normal shift

194. Stop at a .99 cent store on the way, buy 12 tubes of glitter glue, 5 small notebooks for gifts and a magenta shade of mirror nail polish

195. You make almost no money

196. Retape a bunch of axes

197. But have fun hanging out with people

198. And listening to a Kanye Pandora station

199. That during a Drake song someone comes in and says, “I didn’t know you were so gangster”

200. …………………………………because you’re listening to a Drake song

201. Good lord

202. Leave

203. Think about waiting for one of your co-workers to walk with him but you don’t want it to look like you’re waiting because the last time you saw him you all got beers and he’s being a little distant since then so maybe you were flirty and he didn’t like it???

204. This all might just be in your head

205. But you don’t wanna risk rejection on any level

206. Go home

207. Plan on packing

208. Write a Facebook post about Mardi Gras things

209. Paint your nails with the new nail polish and try the nail gems you got for Mardi Gras and never ended up using!!!

210. First they look ugly but then when you add more they look cool!!!!

211. Watch a disturbing but interesting music video by someone named Melanie Martinez

212. Do literally nothing for probably 5 hours

213. Eat a lot

214. Drink 3 beers

215. Find a different coworkers ACTING website which is truly terrible

216. He also told you he cheated on his girlfriend more than once and that’s why they’re breaking up

217. Find her acting website

218. It’s way better and she’s so talented

219. Marvel at how mediocre guys treat incredible women like shit??????

220. Start doing SOME packing at like 2:00am

221. Find the part of Etsy dedicated to “Kanye West Prayer Candles”

222. Get lost in there for a while

223. Drink another beer

224. Listen to Jamiroquai for the first time

225. It’s not what you thought at all!!!!!!

226. Find and finish your two year gratitude journal

227. Answering questions about your life makes you feel really good because you like the path you’re on and where you’re headed

228. NEXT WEEK IS THE LAST WEEK

229. SO EXCITING

230. You’ve been telling some friends about it

231. Scared for sending it off into the world

232. What if professional people hate it?

233. Self-publishing is a sexy fun option

234. What if an editor with expensive glasses reads this one day

235. And is like, “Should we take out the part about editing? Feels too behind the curtain”

236. And you’ll say breaking the fourth wall isn’t just for kids discovering theatre in high school and The Office camera work

237. Be excited for the future

238. And moving

239. And living

240. Also you texted about getting a key and got a cheerful but vague response but you’re sure it will all work out somehow

241. No mention of the security deposit yet, hopefully that will just disappear!

242. Go back to packing

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