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letterboxd · 4 years ago

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Careful How You Go.

Ella Kemp explores how film lovers can protect themselves from distressing subject matter while celebrating cinema at its most audacious.

Featuring Empire magazine editor Terri White, Test Pattern filmmaker Shatara Michelle Ford, writer and critic Jourdain Searles, publicist Courtney Mayhew, and curator, activist and producer Mia Bays of the Birds’ Eye View collective.

This story contains discussion of rape, sexual assault, abuse, self-harm, trauma and loss of life, as well as spoilers for ‘Promising Young Woman’ and ‘A Star is Born’.

We film lovers are blessed with a medium capable of excavating real-life emotion from something seemingly fictional. Yet, for all that film is—in the oft-quoted words of Roger Ebert—an “empathy machine”, it’s also capable of deeply hurting its audience when not wielded by its makers and promoters with appropriate care. Or, for that matter, when not approached by viewers with informed caution.

Whose job is it to let us know that we might be upset by what we see? With the coronavirus pandemic decimating the communal movie-going experience, the way we accommodate each viewer’s sensibilities is more crucial than ever—especially when so many of us are watching alone, at home, often unsupported.

In order to understand how we can champion a film’s content and take care of its audience, I approached women in several areas of the movie ecosystem. I wanted to know: how does a filmmaker approach the filming of a rape and its aftermath? How does a magazine editor navigate the celebration of a potentially triggering movie in one of the world’s biggest film publications? How does a freelance writer speak to her professional interests while preserving her personal integrity? How does a women’s film collective create a safe environment for an audience to process such a film? And, how does a publicist prepare journalists for careful reporting, when their job is to get eyeballs on screens in order to keep our favorite art form afloat?

The conversations reminded me that the answers are endlessly complex. The concerns over spoilers, the effectiveness of trigger warnings, the myriad ways in which art is crafted from trauma, and the fundamental question of whose stories these are to tell. These questions were valid decades ago, they will be for decades to come, and they feel especially urgent now, since a number of recent tales helmed by female and non-binary filmmakers depict violence and trauma involving women’s bodies in fearless, often challenging ways.

Emerald Fennell’s Promising Young Woman, in particular, has revived a vital conversation about content consideration, as victims and survivors of sexual assault record wildly different reactions to its astounding ending. Shatara Michelle Ford’s quietly tense debut, Test Pattern, brings Black survivors into the conversation. And the visceral, anti-wish-fulfillment horror Violation, coming soon from Dusty Mancinelli and Madeleine Sims-Fewer, takes the rape-revenge genre up another notch.

These films come off the back of other recent survivor stories, such as Michaela Coel’s groundbreaking series I May Destroy You (which centers women’s friendship in a narrative move that, as Sarah Williams has eloquently outlined, happens too rarely in this field). Also: Kata Wéber and Kornél Mundruczó’s Pieces of a Woman, and the ongoing ugh-ness of The Handmaid’s Tale. And though this article is focused on plots centering women’s trauma, I acknowledge the myriad of stories that can be triggering in many ways for all manner of viewers. So whether you’ve watched one of these titles, or others like them, I hope you felt supported in the conversations to follow, and that you feel seen.

Weruche Opia and Michaela Coel in ‘I May Destroy You’.

* * *

Simply put, Promising Young Woman is a movie about a woman seeking revenge against predatory men. Except nothing about it is simple. Revenge movies have existed for aeons, and we’ve rooted for many promising young (mostly white) women before Carey Mulligan’s Cassie (recently: Jen in Coralie Fargeat’s Revenge, Noelle in Natalia Leite’s M.F.A.). But in Promising Young Woman, the victim is not alive to seek revenge, so it becomes Cassie’s single-minded crusade. Mercifully, we never see the gang-rape that sparks Cassie’s mission. But we do see a daring, fatal subversion of the notion of a happy ending—and this is what has audiences of Emerald Fennell’s jaw-dropping debut divided.

“For me, being a survivor, the point is to survive,” Jourdain Searles tells me. The New York-based critic, screenwriter, comedian—and host of Netflix’s new Black Film School series—says the presence of death in Promising Young Woman is the problem. “One of the first times I spoke openly about [my assault], I made the decision that I didn’t want to go to the police, and I got a lot of judgment for that,” she says. “So watching Promising Young Woman and seeing the police as the endgame is something I’ve always disagreed with. I left thinking, ‘How is this going to help?’”

“I feel like I’ve got two hats on,” says Terri White, the London-based editor-in chief of Empire magazine, and the author of a recently published memoir, Coming Undone. “One of which is me creating a magazine for a specific film-loving audience, and the other bit of me, which has written a book about trauma, specifically about violence perpetrated against the body. They’re not entirely siloed, but they are two distinct perspectives.”

White loved both Promising Young Woman and I May Destroy You, because they “explode the myth of resolution and redemption”. She calls the ending of Promising Young Woman “radical” in the way it speaks to the reality of what happens to so many women. “I was thinking about me and women like me, women who have endured violence and injury or trauma. Three women every week are still killed [in the UK] at the hands of an ex-partner, or somebody they know intimately, or a current partner. Statistically, any woman who goes for some kind of physical confrontation in [the way Cassie does] would end up dying.”

She adds: “I felt like the film was in service to both victims and survivors, and I use the word ‘victims’ deliberately. I call myself a victim because I think if you’ve endured either sexual violence or physical violence or both, a lot of empowering language, as far as I’m concerned, doesn’t reflect the reality of being a victim or a survivor, whichever way you choose to call yourself.” This point has been one many have disagreed on. In a way, that makes sense—no victim or survivor can be expected to speak to anyone else’s experience but their own.

Carey Mulligan and Emerald Fennell on the set of ‘Promising Young Woman’.

Likewise, there is no right or wrong way to feel about this film, or any film. But a question that arises is, well, should everyone have to see a film to figure that out? And should victims and survivors of sexual violence watch this film? “I have definitely been picky about who I’ve recommended it to,” Courtney Mayhew says. “I don’t want to put a friend in harm’s way, even if that means they miss out on something awesome. It’s not worth it.”

Mayhew is a New Zealand-based international film publicist, and because of her country’s success in controlling Covid 19, she is one of the rare people able to experience Promising Young Woman in a sold-out cinema. “It was palpable. Everyone was so engaged and almost leaning forwards. There were a lot of laughs from women, but it was also a really challenging setting. A lot of people looking down, looking away, and there was a girl who was crying uncontrollably at the end.”

“Material can be very triggering,” White agrees. “It depends where people are personally in their journey. When I still had a lot of trauma I hadn’t worked through in my 20s, I found certain things very difficult to watch. Those things are a reality—but people can make their own decisions about the material they feel able to watch.”

It’s about warning, and preparation, more than total deprivation, then? “I believe in giving people information so they can make the best choice for themselves,” White says. “But I find it quite reductive, and infantilizing in some respects, to be told broadly, ‘Women who have experienced x shouldn’t watch this.’ That underestimates the resilience of some people, the thirst for more information and knowledge.” (This point is clearly made in this meticulous, awe-inspiring list by Jenn, who is on a journey to make sense of her trauma through analysis of rape-revenge films.) But clarity is crucial, particularly for those grappling with unresolved issues.

Searles agrees Promising Young Woman can be a difficult, even unpleasant watch, but still one with value. “As a survivor it did not make me feel good, but it gave me a window into the way other people might respond to your assault. A lot of the time [my friends] have reacted in ways I don’t understand, and the movie feels like it’s trying to make sense of an assault from the outside, and the complicated feelings a friend might have.”

Molly Parker and Vanessa Kirby in ‘Pieces of a Woman’.

* * *

A newborn dies. A character is brutally violated. A population is tortured. To be human is to bear witness to history, but it’s still painful when that history is yours, or something very close to it. “Some things are hard to watch because you relate to them,” Searles explains. “I find mother! hard to watch, and there’s no actual sexual assault. But I just think of sexual assault and trauma and domestic abuse, even though the film isn’t about that. The thing is, you could read an academic paper on patriarchy—you don’t need to watch it on a show [or in a film] if you don’t want to.”

White agrees: “I’ve never been able to watch Nil by Mouth, because I grew up in a house of domestic violence and I find physical violence against women on screen very hard to watch. But that doesn’t mean I think the film shouldn’t be shown—it should still exist, I’ve just made the choice not to watch it.” (Reader, since our conversation, she watched it. At 2:00am.)

“I know people who do not watch Promising Young Woman or The Handmaid’s Tale because they work for an NGO in which they see those things literally in front of their eyes,” Mayhew says. “It could be helpful for someone who isn’t aware [of those issues], but then what is the purpose of art? To educate? To entertain? For escapism? It’s probably all of those.”

Importantly, how much weight should an artist’s shoulders carry, when it comes to considering the audiences that will see their work? There’s a general agreement among my interviewees that, as White says, “filmmakers have to make the art that they believe in”. I don’t think any film lover would disagree, but, suggests Searles, “these films should be made with survivors in mind. That doesn’t mean they always have to be sensitive and sad and declawed. But there is a way to be provocative, while leaning into an emotional truth.”

Madeleine Sims-Fewer in ‘Violation’.

Violation, about which I’ll say little here since it is yet to screen at SXSW (ahead of its March 25 release on Shudder) is not at all declawed, and is certainly made with survivors in mind—in the sense that in life, unlike in movies, catharsis is very seldom possible no matter how far you go to find it. On Letterboxd, many of those who saw Violation at TIFF and Sundance speak of feeling represented by the rape-revenge plot, writing: “One of the most intentionally thought out and respectful of the genre… made by survivors for survivors” and “I feel seen and held”. (Also: “This movie is extremely hard to watch, completely on purpose.”)

“Art can do great service to people,” agrees White, “If, by consequence, there is great service for people who have been in that position, that’s a brilliant consequence. But I don’t believe filmmakers and artists should be told that they are responsible for certain things. There’s a line of responsibility in terms of being irresponsible, especially if your community is young, or traumatised.”

Her words call to mind Bradley Cooper’s reboot of A Star is Born, which many cinephiles knew to be a remake and therefore expected its plot twist, but young filmgoers, drawn by the presence of Lady Gaga, were shocked (and in some cases triggered) by a suicide scene. When it was released, Letterboxd saw many anguished reviews from younger members. In New Zealand, an explicit warning was added to the film’s classification by the country’s chief censor (who also created an entirely new ‘RP18’ classification for the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why, which eventually had a graphic suicide scene edited out two years after first landing on the streaming service).

“There is a duty of care to audiences, and there is also a duty of care to artists and filmmakers,” says Mayhew. “There’s got to be some way of meeting in the middle.” The middle, perhaps, can be identified by the filmmaker’s objective. “It’s about feeling safe in the material,” says Mia Bays of the Birds’ Eye View film collective, which curates and markets films by women in order to effect industry change. “With material like this, it’s beholden on creatives to interrogate their own intentions.”

Filmmaker Shatara Michelle Ford is “forever interrogating” ideas of power. Their debut feature, Test Pattern, deftly examines the power differentials that inform the foundations of consent. “As an artist, human, and person who has experienced all sorts of boundary violation, assault and exploitation in their life, I spend quite a lot of time thinking about power… It is something I grapple with in my personal life, and when I arrive in any workplace, including a film set.”

In her review of Test Pattern for The Hollywood Reporter, Searles writes, “This is not a movie about sexual assault as an abstract concept; it’s a movie about the reality of a sexual assault survivor’s experience.” Crucially, in a history of films that deal largely with white women’s experiences, Test Pattern “is one of the few sexual-assault stories to center a Black woman, with her Blackness being central to her experience and the way she is treated by the people around her.”

Brittany S. Hall in ‘Test Pattern’.

* * *

Test Pattern follows the unfolding power imbalance between Renesha (Brittany S. Hall) and her devoted white boyfriend Evan (Will Brill), as he drives her from hospital to hospital in search of a rape kit, after her drink was spiked by a white man in a bar who then raped her. Where Promising Young Woman is a millennial-pink revenge fantasy of Insta-worthy proportions, Test Pattern feels all too real, and the cops don’t come off as well as they do in the former.

Ford does something very important for the audience: they begin the film just as the rape is about to occur. We do not see it at this point (we do not really ever see it), but we know that it happened, so there’s no chance that, somewhere deeper into the story, when we’re much more invested, we’ll be side-swiped by a sudden onslaught of sexual violence. In a way, it creates a safe space for our journey with Renesha.

It’s one of many thoughtful decisions made by Ford throughout the production process. “I’m in direct conversation with film and television that chooses to depict violence against women so casually,” Ford tells me. “I intentionally showed as little of Renesha’s rape as humanly possible. I also had an incredibly hard time being physically present for that scene, I should add. What I did shoot was ultimately guided by Renesha’s experience of it. Shoot only what she would remember. Show only what she would have been aware of.

“But I also made it clear that this was a violation of her autonomy, by allowing moments where we have an arm’s length point of view. I let the camera sit with the audience, as I’m also saying, as the filmmaker, this happened, and you saw enough of it to know. This, for me, is a larger commentary on how we treat victims of assault and rape. I do not believe for one goddamn minute that we need to see the actual, literal violence to know what happened. When we flagrantly replicate the violence in film and television, we are supporting the cultural norm of needing ‘all of the evidence’—whatever that means—to ‘believe women’.”

Ford’s intentional work in crafting the romance and unraveling of Test Pattern’s leading couple pays off on screen, but their stamp as an invested and careful director also shows in their work with Drew Fuller, the actor who played Mike, the rapist. “It’s a very difficult role, and I’m grateful to him for taking it so seriously. When discussing and rendering the practice and non-practice of consent intentionally, I found it helpful to give it a clear definition and provide conceptual insight.

“I sent Drew a few articles that I used as tools to create a baseline understanding when it comes to exploring consent and power on screen. At the top of that list was Lili Loofbourow’s piece, The female price of male pleasure and Zhana Vrangalova's Teen Vogue piece, Everything You Need to Know about Consent that You Never Learned in Sex Ed. The latter in my opinion is the linchpin. There’s also Jude Elison Sady Doyle’s piece about the whole Aziz Ansari thing, which is a great primer.”

Sidney Flanigan in ‘Never Rarely Sometimes Always’.

Even when a filmmaker has given Ford’s level of care and attention to their project, what happens when the business end of the industry gets involved in the art? As we well know, marketing is a film’s window dressing. It has one job: to get eyeballs into the cinema. It can’t know if every viewer should feel safe to enter.

It would be useful, with certain material, to know how we should watch, and with whom, and what might we need in the way of support coming out. Whose job is it to provide this? Beyond the crude tool of an MPAA rating (and that’s a whole sorry tale for another day), there are many creative precautions that can be taken across the industry to safeguard a filmgoer’s experience.

Mayhew, who often sees films at the earliest stages (sometimes before a final cut, sometimes immediately after), speaks to journalists in early screenings and ensures they have the tools to safely report on the topics raised. In New Zealand, reporters are encouraged to read through resources to help them guide their work. Mayhew’s teams would also ensure journalists would be given relevant hotline numbers, and would ask media outlets to include them in published stories.

“It’s not saying, ‘You have to do this’,” she explains, “It’s about first of all not knowing what the journalist has been through themselves, and second of all, [if] they are entertainment reporters who haven’t navigated speaking about sexual assault, you only hope it will be helpful going forward. It’s certainly not done to infantilize them, because they’re smart people. It’s a way to show some care and support.”

The idea of having appropriate resources to make people feel safe and encourage them to make their own decisions is a priority for Bays and Birds’ Eye View, as well. The London-based creative producer and cultural activist stresses the importance of sharing such a viewing experience. “It’s the job of cinemas, distributors and festivals to realize that it might not be something the filmmaker does, but as the people in control of the environment it’s our job to give extra resources to those who want it,” says Bays. “To give people a safe space to come down from the experience.”

Pre-pandemic, when Birds’ Eye View screened Kitty Green’s The Assistant, a sharp condemnation of workplace micro-aggressions seen through the eyes of one female assistant, they invited women who had worked for Harvey Weinstein. For a discussion after Eliza Hittman’s coming-of-ager Never Rarely Sometimes Always, abortion experts were able to share their knowledge. “It’s about making sure the audience knows you can say anything here, but that it’s safe,” Bays explains. “It’s kind of like group therapy—you don’t know people, so you’re not beholden to what they think about you. And in the cinema people aren’t looking at you. You’re speaking somewhat anonymously, so a lot of really important stuff can come out.”

The traditional movie-going experience, involving friends, crowds and cathartic, let-loose feelings, is still largely inaccessible at the time of writing. Over the past twelve months we’ve talked plenty about preserving the magic of the big screen experience, but it’s about so much more than the romanticism of an art form; it’s also about the safety that comes from a feeling of community when watching potentially upsetting movies.

“The going in and coming out parts of watching a film in the cinema are massively important, because it’s like coming out of the airlock and coming back to reality,” says Bays. “You can’t do that at home. Difficult material kind of stays with you.” During the pandemic, Birds’ Eye View has continued to provide the same wrap-around curatorial support for at-home viewers as they would at an in-person event. “If we’re picking a difficult film and asking people to watch it at home, we might suggest you watch it with a friend so you can speak about it afterwards,” Bays says.

Julia Garner in ‘The Assistant’.

But, then, how can we still find this sense of community without the physical closeness? “It’s no good waiting for [the internet] to become kind,” she says. “Create your own closed spaces. We do workshops and conversations exclusively for people who sign up to our newsletter. In real-life meetings you can go from hating something to hearing an eloquent presentation of another perspective and coming round to it, but you need the time and space to do that. This little amount of time gives you a move towards healing, even if it’s just licking some wounds that were opened on Twitter. But it could be much deeper, like being a survivor and feeling very conflicted about the film, which I do.”

Conflict is something that Searles, the film critic, knows about all too well in her work. “Since I started writing professionally, I almost feel like I’m known for writing about assault and rape at this point. I do write about it a lot, and as a survivor I continue to process it. I’ve been assaulted more than once so I have a lot to process, and so each time I’m writing about it I’m thinking about different aspects and remnants of those feelings. It can be very cathartic, but it’s a double-edged sword because sometimes I feel like I have an obligation to write about it too.”

There is also a constant act of self-preservation that comes with putting so much of yourself on the internet. “I often get messages from people thanking me for talking about these subjects with a deep understanding of what they mean,” Searles says. “I really appreciate that. I get negative messages about a lot of things, but not this one thing.”

Michaela Coel in ‘I May Destroy You’.

* * *

With such thoughtful approaches to heavy content, it feels like we’re a long way further down the road from blunt tools like content and trigger warnings. But do they still have their place? “It’s just never seemed appropriate to put trigger warnings on any of our reviews or features,” White explains. “We have a heavy male readership, still 70 percent male to 30 percent female. I’m conscious we’re talking to a lot of men who will often have experienced violence themselves, but we don’t put any warnings, because we are an adult magazine, and when we talk about violence in, say, an action film, or violence that is very heavily between men, we don’t caveat that at all.”

Bays, too, is sceptical of trigger warnings, explaining that “there’s not much evidence [they] actually work. A lot of psychologists expound on the fact that if people get stuck in their trauma, you can never really recover from PTSD if you don’t at some point face your trauma.” She adds: “I’m a survivor, and I found I May Destroy You deeply, profoundly triggering, but also cathartic. I think it’s more about how you talk about the work, rather than having a ‘NB: survivors of sexual abuse or assault shouldn’t see this’.”

“It’s important to give people a feel of what they’re in for,” argues Searles. “A lot of people who have dealt with suicide ideation would prefer that warning.” While some worry that a content warning is effectively a plot spoiler, Searles disagrees. “I don’t consider a content warning a spoiler. I just couldn’t imagine sitting down for a film, knowing there’s going to be a suicide, and letting it distract me from the film.” Still, she acknowledges the nuance. “I think using ‘self-harm’ might be better than just saying ‘suicide’.”

Mayhew shared insights on who actually decides which films on which platforms are preceded with warnings—turns out, it’s a bit messy. “The onus traditionally has fallen on governmental censorship when it comes to theatrical releases,” she explains. “But streamers can do what they want, they are not bound by those rules so they have to—as the distributors and broadcasters—take the government’s censors on board in terms of how they are going to navigate it.

“The consumer doesn’t know the difference,” she continues, “nor should they—so it means they can be watching The Crown on Netflix and get this trigger warning about bulimia, and go to the cinema the next day and not get it, and feel angry about it. So there’s the question of where is the responsibility of the distributor, and where is the responsibility of the audience member to actually find out for themselves.”

The warnings given to an audience member can also vary widely depending where they find themselves in the world, too. Promising Young Woman, for example, is rated M in Australia, R18 in New Zealand, and R in the United States. Meanwhile, the invaluable Common Sense Media recommends an age of fifteen years and upwards for the “dark, powerful, mature revenge comedy”. Mayhew says a publicist’s job is “to have your finger on the pulse” about these cultural differences. “You have to read the overall room, and when I say room I mean the culture as a whole, and you have to be constantly abreast of things across those different ages too.”

She adds: “This feeds into the importance of representation right at the top of those boardrooms and right down to the film sets. My job is to see all opinions, and I never will, especially because I am a white woman. I consider myself part of the LGBT community and sometimes I’ll bring that to a room that I think has been lacking in that area, when it comes to harmful stereotypes that can be propagated within films about LGBT people. But I can’t bring a Black person’s perspective, I cannot bring an Indigenous perspective. The more representation you have, the better your film is going to be, your campaign is going to be.”

Bays, who is also a filmmaker, agrees: representation is about information, and working with enough knowledge to make sure your film is being as faithful to your chosen communities as possible. “As a filmmaker, I’d feel ill-informed and misplaced if I was stumbling into an area of representation that I knew nothing about without finding some tools and collaborators who could bring deeper insight.”

Carey Mulligan and Bo Burnham in ‘Promising Young Woman’.

This is something Ford aimed for with Test Pattern’s choice of crew members, which had an effect not just on the end product, but on the entire production process. “I made sure that at the department head level, I was hiring people I was in community with and fully saw me as a person, and me them,” they say. “In some ways it made the experience more pleasurable.” That said, the shoot was still not without its incidents: “These were the types of things that in my experience often occur on a film set dominated by straight white men, that we're so accustomed to we sometimes don’t even notice it. I won’t go into it but what I will say is that it was not tolerated.”

Vital to the telling of the story were the lived experiences that Ford and their crew brought to set. “As it applies to the sensitive nature of this story, there were quite a few of us who have had our own experiences along the spectrum of assault, which means that we had to navigate our own internal re-processing of those experiences, which is hard to do when we’re constructing an experience of rape for a character.

“However, I think being able to share our own triggers and discomfort and context, when it came to Renesha’s experience, made the execution of it all the better. Again, it was a pleasure to be in community with such smart, talented and considerate women who each brought their own nuance to this film.”

* * *

Thinking about everything we’ve lived through by this point in 2021, and the heightened sensitivity and lowered mental health of film lovers worldwide, movies are carrying a pretty heavy burden right now: to, as Jane Fonda said at the Golden Globes, help us see through others’ eyes; also, to entertain or, at the very least, not upset us too much.

But to whom does film have a responsibility, really? Promising Young Woman’s writer-director Emerald Fennell, in an excellent interview with Vulture’s Angelica Jade Bastién, said that she was thinking of audiences when she crafted the upsetting conclusion.

What she was thinking was: a ‘happy’ ending for Cassie gets us no further forward as a society. Instead, Cassie’s shocking end “makes you feel a certain way, and it makes you want to talk about it. It makes you want to examine the film and the society that we live in. With a cathartic Hollywood ending, that’s not so much of a conversation, really. It’s a kind of empty catharsis.”

So let’s flip the question: what is our responsibility, as women and allies, towards celebrating audacious films about tricky subjects? The marvellous, avenging blockbusters that once sucked all the air out of film conversation are on pause, for now. Consider the space that this opens up for a different kind of approach to “must-see movies”. Spread the word about Test Pattern. Shout from the rooftops about It’s A Sin. Add Body of Water and Herself and Violation to your watchlists. And, make sure the right people are watching.

Brittany S. Hall and Will Brill in ‘Test Pattern’.

I asked my interviewees: if they could choose one type of person they think should see Promising Young Woman, who would it be? Ford has not seen Fennell’s film, but “it feels good to have my film contribute to a larger discourse that is ever shifting, ever adding nuance”. They are very clear on who can learn the most from their own movie.

“A white man is featured so prominently in Test Pattern as a statement about how white people and men have a habit of centering themselves in the stories of others, prioritizing their experience and neglecting to recognize those on the margins. If Evan is triggering, he should be. If your feelings about Evan vacillate, it is by design.

“‘Allies’ across the spectrum are in a complicated dance around doing the ‘right thing’ and ‘showing up’ for those they are ostensibly seeking to support,” Ford continues. “Their constant battle is to remember that they need to be centering the needs of those they were never conditioned to center. Tricky stuff. Mistakes will be made. Mistakes must be owned. Sometimes reconciliation is required.”

It is telling that similar thoughts emerged from my other interviewees regarding Promising Young Woman’s ideal audience, despite the fact that none of them was in conversation with the others for this story. For that reason, as we come to the end of this small contribution to a very large, ongoing conversation, I’ve left their words intact.

White: I think it’s a great film for men.

Searles: I feel like the movie is very much pointed at cisgender heterosexual men.

Mayhew: Men.

White: We’re always warned about the alpha male with a massive ego, but we’re not warned about the beta male who reads great books, listens to great records, has great film recommendations. But he probably slyly undermines you in a completely different way. Anybody can be a predator.

Searles: The actors chosen to play these misogynist, rape culture-perpetuating men are actors we think of as nice guys.

White: We are so much more tolerant of a man knocking the woman over the head, dragging her down an alley and raping her, because we understand that. But rape culture is made up of millions of small things that enable the people who do it. We are more likely to be attacked in our own homes by men we love than a stranger in the street.

Mayhew: The onus should not fall on women to call this out.

Searles: It’s not just creeps, like the ones you see usually in these movies. It’s guys like you. What are you going to do to make sure you’re not like this?

Related content

Sex Monsters, Rape Revenge and Trauma: a work-in-progress list

Rape and Revenge: a list of films that fall into, and play with, the genre

Unconsenting Media: a search engine for sexual violence in broadcasting

Follow Ella on Letterboxd

If you need help or to talk to someone about concerns raised for you in this story, please first know that you are not alone. These are just a few of the many organizations and resources available, and their websites include more information.

US: RAINN (hotline 0800 656 HOPE); LGBT National Help Center; Pathways to Safety; Time’s Up.

Canada: Canadian Association of Sexual Assault Centers—contacts by province and territory

UK/Ireland: Mind; The Survivors Trust (hotline 08088 010818); Rape Crisis England and Wales

Europe: Rape Crisis Network Europe

47 notes · View notes

blindedbythedarkness · 3 years ago

Text

Josh,

I did it. I'm out. I'm finally done with my degree and away from that fucking university.

Had I not learnt the lessons that I did from your death, there's a good chance it would have finished me off at the end there. The way I was treated as I struggled with my thesis was unbearable and I've rarely felt so hopeless. I suppose it's a very fitting end to my time there. Three times my university experience nearly resulted in my suicide and though I somehow made it through, the marks it left on me will be visible for the rest of my life. I gained a degree, a master's degree in fact, but I lost so much more and yet compared to you, I was lucky.

I'm so relieved to be away from campus. As pretty as it was, it was always tainted by the 6-story grave that most people just knew as the maths building. For the last year or so, the main route around campus was changed to allow for more pedestrian areas, meaning every time I drove to campus I was forced to go right past that building. It didn't make me sad as such, more awoke a very primal hatred that made me want to get away from it as quickly as possible and yell "Fuck off! I hate you! You're disgusting!" (Don't worry Josh, I am aware it's pretty dumb to want a building to fuck off! But Monkey Brain doesn't think like that.)

I think it's kind of like when I was younger and living back in the house that had been flooded. I didn't realise quite how much I feared the rain until we moved away and I loved it again. I don't think I knew just how stifled and haunted I felt by the university campus, until I was away from it for good and realised I could breath again.

How the fuck was I there for four years, Josh? I'm a different person to the C that started there, the C that you met. I never felt like I had the full, typical uni student experience, but that doesn't mean I did nothing at all. Looking back, I did so much! I got drunk for the first time and the last and took care of so many drunk flatmates; I won the flat pool tournament; I joined the pride societies exec only a month after starting, despite not even being out back home. I went on my first date with a girl; met my current boyfriend of three years and started living as authentically me. I tried mixed netball and archery and wheelchair basketball; I auditioned for the university taskmaster; I made the most of the student cinema and even went to two showings of a film in one night (I think we can all agree that The Greatest Showman is...well pretty great). I went to a nightclub and unsurprisingly decided the SU rock nights were more my style; I played more laser quest than I ever did as a kid; I joined the musical theatre society and sang and danced despite my anxiety and atrocious coordination. I very nearly hit a tree after speeding down hills in a trolley; I won the flat screaming competition and I helped turn a flatmates entire bedroom upside-down (including the plug sockets). I tried yoga (it didn't cure me) and plenty of weird foods that I'd never heard of but "really aren't that posh"; I met people from all over the world; I made friends and at one time had an amazing little squad. I finally got to go to Eurovision party and a Halloween party; I stayed up far too late and learnt that I need at least four hours sleep to not drop off during lectures! I learnt that long-distance friendships can work; I learnt how to navigate all over the country on my own and I walked down the street dressed as Frank N Furter, in barely more than a corset and tights, in the middle of February. I power-walked to campus in just a hoodie and pyjamas past a tour of prospective students, only to miss a deadline by three minutes; I worked past my fear of rodents to get the three rat babies I have now. I hid from security in empty rooms late at night; lost so many pub quizzes and I learnt that the people from the Doctor Who society were some of the best company, so when I went to events it was never to watch the show.

I also learnt a lot of life lessons. I learnt that landlords will go to extreme lengths to try to keep your deposit but that they will see no problem leaving you without an oven for a month or without heating for three weeks in Winter. I learnt how to coexist with plants in the vents, black mold covering the ceiling and mushrooms growing out of the carpet. I learnt how to fight to get a deposit back; how to contact the council and to assert my rights as a tenant. I learnt how easily a crash can happen if just one person isn't paying attention; what happens when you ring 999 and that you really do talk total nonsense when in shock. I learnt to trust my gut when I knew I needed to see a doctor; that waiting lists are dangerously long and that you almost never get the healthcare you need without a fight. I learnt how it feels to be helpless and left to deteriorate; that trauma can trigger life-threatening, chronic health problems and that once you are disabled, people think your life has limited worth. I learnt that my university spends painfully little on student mental health support; how doctors deliver bad news and what it's like to lose a friend at 20 years old to suicide. I learnt that how to navigate grief while still taking exams; that spending time with the dead is often a lot more peaceful than with the living and what happens at a funeral. I learnt that when you make a complaint, there is no one else on your side; that the university cares more about its reputation than the actual service it provides and that my existence as a student beyond the fees I paid matters very little to the vast majority of university staff. I learnt that grief changes people and it's true that everyone deals with it differently; I learnt what it's like to see your group of friends fall apart in slow motion and that friends really can break your heart too. I learnt that academics will work you until you're on your knees so long as they get what they want; that sometimes begging for help isn't enough and what happens when you end up in A&E from self harm. I learnt that many people are unaware of how privileged they are; that many people will only care until it costs them something and that good friends are incredibly rare. And honestly? I learnt that life is a real, unfair bitch.

So I guess, after all that, it's no surprise that I'm a different person. I feel like I managed to age ten years, not four. And I mean, I'm glad for some of the life lessons because I know they'll help me later on but I can't help but wish I'd somehow learnt them another way. I don't know, Josh. University wasn't all bad, I met you for a start, but it also hurt me so badly. I'm so glad to be moving on. I wonder what I will learn at my new university; I wonder who I will be four years from now.

Love always, Josh,

#c rambles #mental health awareness #mental health #mental illness #suicide #suicide loss #suicide awareness #suicide prevention #grief #grieving #mourning #bereaved #bereavement #loss #university #university experience #graduation #depressed #depression

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katehuntington · 5 years ago

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Title: Ride With Me (part fifteen) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±5200 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part fifteen: The sun rises and it’s time to bring the herd home, but not before Dean reconnects with an old friend. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: Dean & Rocko scene: ‘Road To Perdition’ - The City Of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra. Final scene: ‘Ride’ - Hans Zimmer. Check out ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Author’s note: It’s about damn time, ain’t it? Thank you @kittenofdoomage, @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish and @winchest09 for helping me. You girls are awesome betas and friends.

Ride With Me Masterlist

Slow hoofbeats, little rocks and earth crunching underneath the thousand pound animal. Surprisingly light on its feet, never disturbing the quiet, as it scours the land for the last grass of the season. Calm breaths, taking in over a gallon of oxygen with each inhalation, followed by a soft purring sound when the air is pushed out through the nose. The cold of the night lingers and the air condensates. The first glint of the sun catches the moist clouds coming from its nostrils, turning the fierce creature into a dragon. Kind eyes, calm when it’s safe, but scanning the environment nevertheless, always on the lookout for predators. Pointy ears, flitting back and forth independently, picking up even the smallest whisper, like two little space antennas scanning the sky.

Dean watches the herd from a distance, with Y/N still sound asleep in his arms. He can tell she’s exhausted, because she didn’t stir once in the past three hours. The cowboy made sure she was fully covered with the unzipped sleeping bag, holding her close to keep her warm. She seems so comfortable, so trusting; it humbles him. Apparently she’s completely at ease being so close, her self-consciousness burned away by his never ending adoration. Of course he noticed the hesitation when they all went for a swim yesterday evening. She wanted to disappear, covering herself with her arms crossed in front of her chest, her expression shameful. And then there was the insecurity just hours ago, her mind clearly spiraling when he couldn’t give her the confirmation she so desperately seeks. Dean wonders what happened for her to lack confidence. If she has some douchebag ex-boyfriend maybe, who didn’t treat her right.

Staying awake wasn’t any trouble overnight, because he had plenty to think about. He’s not the guy to analyse his every thought, he'd rather stuff it all down and ignore them all together. But spending several hours under the Yucca tree, in an embrace with the one person that has his mind reeling, left him no option. So many questions, so much doubt. He wishes he had more answers, he wishes he could have a glance into the future in order to tell if he’s on the right path. If he can make it work with her, if he can step up to become the man she’s looking for. If she will stay with him, even after the internship, because the thought of her leaving brings back an anxiety that he used to experience when his family threatened to fall apart, which is exactly what happened, eventually. He came to one conclusion, though; he’s not going to let her go.

His gaze remains absently fixed on the horses, who have moved a few hundred yards closer. The oldest stallion of the herd had spotted the wranglers about an hour ago, but after careful observation decided that they weren’t a threat. It’s a beautiful sight, beams peeking over the mountain range, framing the horses’ silhouettes with gold. Small bugs twirl in the air like fireflies, surrounding the large animals. Dean squints and tips his head forward when the rising sun becomes brighter. The warmth is welcome; he hasn’t moved an inch over the past hours, not wanting to wake Y/N, causing the cold to settle in his bones.

A new dawn means they’ve got work to do and Dean is left no choice but to wake the heavy sleeper. The arrival of morning does the job for him, however; even with her eyes closed, the light seeps through. It triggers her to turn into him and hide her face in the crook between his shoulder and his chest. Y/N grunts, disagreeing with the time, and Dean sniggers. He’s not much of a morning person either, but his intern takes the cake. “Mornin’, Yankee.” She opens one eye and looks up, meeting an amused yet adoring smile. “Morning…” Groggy, she rubs her face with the back of her hand. “Five more minutes?” “You’ll miss the view,” Dean says, nodding at the horizon.

His eyes reflect the scenery he’s beholding, the colors vibrant as the sun hits them just right, adding amber to the jade in his irises. It peaks her interest, and Y/N turns her head to face the new day. Only leaving a crack for the light to pass her long lashes, she takes in the mesmerizing scenery. On the edges of her vision, a darker shade of blue transitions into a lighter one, the tones changing from cold to warm as they enclose the sun. Cirrus clouds catch the first rays, curling across the sky like wisps of silk hair. From cobalt to pale turquoise, from apricot to saffron. The painter of this picture used every color on the spectrum. And smack in the middle, the sun rises. So bright, she seems to be aware that planets orbit around her. The Superstition Mountains stand proud and tall in the south, the peaks catching the early light, making the volcanic formations seem blood orange, as if lava is erupting from the earth once again.

The herd is only a couple of hundred yards away now, grazing calmly. They don’t seem to be aware of the humans sitting on the top of the hill, almost as if Y/N is in a cinema, watching a gigantic movie screen. It would explain the idyllic Wild West decor, because such magic can only be created with CGI in a Hollywood studio. But they are here. Y/N can smell the air, sweet and earthy. She can hear the wind rustling small bushes and blowing gently through the canyons. She can feel Dean, the warmth radiating from his large form that has enveloped her. “It’s breathtaking,” she says softly, leaning into him. He places a soft kiss on her hair, and she smiles, content. “Thanks for letting me sleep.” He shrugs it off. “You needed it. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.” Y/N sits up and rolls her neck to loosen her muscles. “It’s going to be intense, isn’t it?” she guesses, getting to her feet. “I’d call it adventurous and exciting,” Dean chuckles, stretching his back now that he can move freely again. “Just like the old spaghetti westerns, y’know? Well… without the gun slinging and bounty hunts. It’ll be awesome, trust me.”

Y/N sniggers, strolling around the Yucca tree to meet her horse. She finds it cute how the tough cowboy, who’s closing in on thirty, is beaming like a little kid. After ruffling Joplin’s mane, she takes a small case from one of the saddlebags, which holds her toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste. She has found a new level of appreciation for these simple products of hygiene, given that she has been stripped from luxury and has to do with the absolute necessary. Especially since she’s not just kissing Dean in her dreams these days.

Looking forward to the day on his doorstep, Dean pulls his radio phone from the front saddlebag, turning it on and twisting the knob to find the channel. “Benny? Come in?” He lets go of the PTT button, the device beeping once when he does, then it’s quiet for a moment. Mirroring Y/N’s actions, he one handedly fishes out his toothbrush as well, but when his friend doesn’t respond, he pushes the talk button again. “You better get your lazy ass out of bed, Lafitte. Gotta bring the horses in.” Dean clips the radio to his belt. He has brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth and cleaned his face by the time the farrier replies. “Good mornin’ to you too, Chief.” Dean grins at the slightly cynical tone of the Southerner. He pushes the button again, moving the speaker closer to his mouth. “We’re with the herd, on Black Top Mesa, close to Dutchman’s Trailhead. Ya’ll ready to move?” “Sure am, just cooking up some breakfast to go. Do you want some or did you already eat out?”

Y/N has never timed taking a sip of water worse, because it comes out through both her mouth and nose. Dean stares at her mortified before he snaps the walkie talkie to his mouth. “She can hear ya, you jackass!” he returns, his voice higher than he anticipated. “Oh, I bet she can.” The head wrangler shuts his eyes and cringes, turning away from Y/N to hide his red face. His free hand goes for his belt loop first, then rubs the back of his neck, before wiping the sweat on the denim of his jeans. Shit, this is embarrassing. “I - I - We… You know what? I don’t owe you an explanation,” he hisses into the radio phone. “I’m just saying, brother, if you haven’t yet, it’s gonna take us at least forty five minutes to get to ya, so--” “- Over and out, Benny!”

Quickly, he turns the device off, breathes out, and scoffs. That son of a bitch. Dean isn’t sure how he’s going to make Benny pay just yet, but he will taste his wrath. He carefully glances over his shoulder to check on Y/N, who he finds with her hand clasped over her mouth, trying her very best to contain her giggles. “You think that’s funny, huh?” he mutters, flustered. She laughs warm and hearty, wiping tears from her eyes as she approaches the cowboy. “You don’t need enemies with friends like him, that’s a given,” she chuckles.

He glances at her, his mouth pulling into a smile. She can spot a hint of relief, now that he knows she’s taking it well, but blood still warms his cheeks, making his freckles invisible. It amazes her every single time how all that confidence washes away once he loses direction. Benny was just teasing him, Dean must be aware of that. Besides, it’s not like the green eyed wrangler to take things easy, as he said so himself, so it’s not strange his Southern friend figured he covered at least a couple of bases overnight. She can feel a blush add color to her face as well, when the thought crosses her mind. Honestly, she too silently hoped he would have gone ‘down that road’.

“Well, unfortunately he assumed wrong,” she addresses boldly, taking the collar of his stockman coat gently between her thumb and index finger, reeling him in. “But he was right about them taking at least forty five minutes to get here.” Stunned eyes flick over her features, wondering if he’s imagining things or if she really just gained the confidence he’s lacking at this very moment. Once again she blows him off his feet with her newfound assertiveness, like she does every so often. Shit, she’s sexy when she takes the lead like that. “He sure was,” he returns, his hands now moving to her waist. “I know we agreed to take it easy,” she tilts her head slightly, folding her arms around his neck now. “So what should we do with all that time?”

Dean smirks at her from under his hat, shaking his head amused without breaking eye contact. What a tease. He couldn’t resist her to save his own life. Her radiance is brighter than the rising sun behind her. The pull he’s experiencing, the level of attraction, it’s so strong; he knows he’s going to have a tough time sticking to his boundaries. He has to, though, he has to do right by her. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have a little fun along the way. “I got a few ideas,” he implies. Before Y/N knows it, the strong wrangler lifts her up, pulling a squeal from within her, followed by a fit of giggles. He adjusts his grip when she folds her legs around his middle, smothering her sly grin with a sweet kiss. The low chuckle that escapes his throat sounds both gentle and gruff, adding to the wholesome sensation that fills her chest. By the Yucca tree, he lowers himself to the ground, still holding the cowgirl in his arms until she has found her balance and straddles his lap, a knee buried in the gravelly sand on either side of him. The intimate connection strengthens as they get lost in the moment, the laughs dying down, eyes falling shut.

Dean lets his fingers wander over the fabric of her clothes, tracing the lines of her neck, her spine, the curves of her hips. Feeling no pressure that this needs to lead somewhere right now calms him, because even though it’s proven to be difficult to keep their hands off each other, he knows she will give him the space he needs and, despite this little tease, she respects him more than he respects himself. He makes a little mental note when she whimpers, as he continues to leave a trail of kisses from the corner of her mouth, down her throat and her collarbone. Dean might not go down on the beautiful cowgirl today, but he will remember the little touches that make her sigh and squirm.

Their agreement to take it slow, combined with Benny’s remark, sparked something new. Since their first kiss, she has been willing, eager for more, but now that what she wants is just out of reach, she finds it difficult to control herself. He can tell in the way she touches him, the audible breaths that reach his hearing when their mouths aren’t sealed together, the longing in her eyes when she opens them for a brief second. Dean never thought he would say it, but taking their time might have an advantage he hadn’t considered before. Teasing him, tempting her… it’s an interesting way to pass the time. Making each other wait might feel like a torturous game right now, but when the moment does arrive for them to take things to the next level, it’s going to be something else. And just like that, the bachelor who didn’t waste a second to get around with so many women, doesn’t mind waiting for the one.

The two lay together for at least half an hour, making out like teenagers. Sweet touches, cute giggles, all smiles. If they could freeze time, they would. But when Dean glances north and notices the dust clouds coming from La Barge Canyon, they have to interrupt the intimacy; Benny and the others are on their way.

Five minutes later, Dean shrugs off his long coat, now that the sun has cast out the crisp of the night. He folds it up tightly and stuffs it into one of his saddlebags. Y/N has already mounted Joplin, at home in the Tucker trail saddle. The mare didn’t entirely awaken from her slumber apparently, because for once in her life, she stands still and doesn’t bounce around impatiently like a bronc in the holding box at the rodeo. Her rider has her wrists crossed on the horn, the reins casually between her fingers, as she stares at the herd ahead. “That’s the leader, isn’t it?” she says.

Dean turns his head, looking at the dark bay horse, who stands between them and his congeners. The animal stares back, ears perked forward, one of them flicking back to the herd every now and them. The stallion observes him carefully, he doesn’t seem entirely sure how to deal with the presence of humans. He’s alert, ready to bolt and take his herd to safety, yet at the same time curious. Understandable, because these youngsters spent most of their life living as feral horses, only seeing men when they were moved from the reservation to the large winter pastures closer to the ranch, and back to the mountains when spring was around the corner. “Yeah, seems like it,” Dean confirms, watching the beautiful creature. He returns his gaze to the task at hand, tying the sleeping bag behind Ted’s saddle, but then realization hits him. Wait a minute, is that…? The wrangler turns to face the interested horse again, who is looking at him from about two hundred yards away, like he seems to recognize the cowboy as well. Y/N glances from the wrangler to the horse and back. “Dean?”

But he doesn’t respond, slowly stepping away from Ted, narrowing his eyes to see better. The horse’s mane grew long, his forelock covering his face, the black hair growing all the way down to his nose, but a hint of a blaze still visible through the curtain. Dark brown eyes take Dean in as the stallion waits, so still that one could mistake him for a statue, save the wind playing with his tail. The low vegetation hides the white markings on his legs, so the wrangler can’t tell for sure. It can’t be. He couldn’t have grown that big, he wouldn’t be the alpha, he reminds himself. But besides the horse’s size and rank within the herd, there’s nothing that indicates the animal, isn’t him.

Dean moves his hand to his mouth, pressing the tabs of his thumb and index finger together, creating a circle, before he places them on his lips. He inhales and whistles sharply. The sheer, high-pitched sound moves across the land, reaching ears miles away. The ears the whistle was meant for, pick up the unique sound too and instantly the caution and doubt in the horse’s stance is gone. He neighs back, loud and strong, confirming Dean’s suspicion. “Well, I’ll be damned…” he breathes. “You two know each other?” Y/N wonders. Dean beams. “Yeah, we go way back.”

He leaves Ted and Y/N on top of the hill, carefully making his way down the slope without spooking the feral horse. But the stallion doesn’t feel threatened anymore, now that he recognizes Dean. He jogs up to him, taking a few more steps before he halts. Friendly eyes take in the wrangler, his nostrils flaring when Dean tentivally reaches, picking up his scent. As a content smile spreads across Dean’s face, he lets his fingertips brush the horse’s nose, soft as velvet. He takes another step, gliding the palm of his hand up his jaw now, to his cheek and then down his neck, following the flow of the horse’s dark hair. The short summer coat has already partly been replaced, now that the cold of winter will arrive in a month or so. Last time Dean saw him, he was barely two years old. A youngster, a boney juvenile, who was a tad small. Obviously the fellow needed more time. That’s why the wrangler gave his horse another year to grow. It worked out well, because look at him now. “Hey, bud,” Dean says softly, ruffling the horse’s mane. “You got big.”

From a distance, Y/N watches the reunion. She doesn’t know the whole story, but the connection between man and animal is unmistakably strong. They have a place in each other’s hearts and even though they have been apart for a while, that didn’t change. The leader of the herd, who one would expect to be dominant, accepts a human touch without hesitation. It’s an unusual response for a horse who has lived off the grid for years.

Warmth fills her chest, a smile on her lips, similar to the one Dean carries. It’s incredible to witness him around the animals that captivate them both. She has enjoyed his interactions many times before, watching him handle them on the ground, seeing him ride. Always kind, always respectful. He has a way with horses that is special. Her grandfather would have said he’s gifted. He also would have given her a thumbs up. Grandpa always offered wise words, often followed by silence, the quiet giving them even more strength. One of his sayings comes to mind: You can judge a man’s character by the way he treats his horses. Well then, if that’s a given, then Dean is definitely one of the kindest and most loving souls she has come across.

The wrangler rubs the stallion’s shoulder, before he slowly turns around. He tries to beckon the beautiful dark horse with a simple shoulder movement, using only body language to invite the large animal to follow him. After a moment of hesitation, during which the stallion glances at his herd and back at his human, he follows. No rope, no pressure, no constraint, but free will. It’s hard to miss the pleased expression on Dean’s face when he looks up at the cowgirl, who still watches from Joplin’s back. “I know country boys aren’t known for manners, but aren’t you going to introduce your friend?” she jokes.

The stallion stops at the bottom of the small hill, aware that as the leader of his group, he still has a task to fulfill. He stands tall, checking on the herd, the autumn breeze catching his tangled mane, folding his tail around his hind legs. He looks almost mythical. “His name is Rock N’ Roll.” Dean takes him in, proudly. “But he goes by Rock’o.” “Is he yours?” she asks, curiously. The wrangler nods. “I was there when he was born. He had a rough start in life. I bottle fed him the first couple of months.” Amazed, she smiles at him. “No wonder you two are close.” He returns her expression, taking a moment to absorb the image of both the woman who is conquering his heart, and his horse who already claimed it years ago. “It’s gonna be much easier to bring in the herd with him on our side,” Dean says, moving to Ted’s left side, after which he puts his foot in the stirrup and swings the other over the saddle. “We have to handle it delicately, but he trusts me.” “You think he will follow you?” Y/N assumes, keeping Joplin on the spot, who seems to have woken up from her nap, now that Dean mounted his horse as well. “No, but he will keep the herd together. It's a misconception that the stallion leads the group. They are usually in the rear, driving up stragglers,” Dean explains.

The head wrangler glances over his shoulder at the growing dust cloud, an indication that Benny and the rest of the crew are closing in. Within a minute, he spots the four riders and their pack horses coming over the hill. The mischievous grin on the Southerner’s face can be spotted from far away. “Had a nice mornin’ ride, Chief?” he nags under his breath, once he has joined the two riders. Dean shoots him a glare, his fiery green eyes demanding him to shut up without using actual words. Y/N heard the farrier, however, and no one is prepared for the comeback. “Oh, we didn’t have time. Forty-five minutes isn’t nearly enough for what I had in mind,” she counters casually.

Dean snorts, caught by surprise, while Benny cocks his head at the intern, staring at her bug-eyed. Y/N doesn’t give the the blue-eyed cowboy another second of her attention and leads her horse to Ted, her fingertips briefly touching Dean’s thigh as she passes him, before she rides down the hill, her head held high. Amused, the head wrangler waits for his friend to catch the wide grin on his face, which he does once Benny snaps out of his trance. He shakes his head sniggering, his laugh rumbling deep and low in his chest. “Brother, you are in way over your head,” he states. “She’s a pistol.” Dean admittingly raises his brow, nodding in agreement while watching her ride off. “She sure is.”

“Yah!” In full gallop Y/N speeds up along the left flank of the herd, directing the horses back to a compact group every time they fan out. Benny and Macy are leading, Dean tailing, while Brad and Jon cover the right side. The head wrangler wasn’t lying when he said that it was going to be exciting, because she feels like she’s living a Wild West fantasy.

Joplin has her ears in her neck as she sprints away, cutting off two stallions who fan out. Her rider doesn’t even have to give a signal, the feisty dark mare knows exactly what to do. Even though she is smaller than the others, she stands her ground and didn’t think twice when one of the juvenile stallions took an interest in her. With a squeal and a firm kick she made clear not to mess with her, her zero-tolerance attitude keeping them at a safe distance. Y/N had a hunch Joplin was good at the job, otherwise Dean wouldn’t have chosen the strong minded horse for his intern, but she didn’t expect her partner to be this fierce. Unflagging, focussed, and fast as a bullet. It’s an absolute thrill to work with her.

They pursued the herd into O’Grady Canyon, the higher cliffs on both sides helping the wranglers keep them together. They passed the rock formations of Tim’s Saddle and Dean and Y/N briefly exchanged a look and a smile as they crossed the small creek. Revisiting the place where they shared their first kiss only two days ago feels special, that night’s energy still in the air. So much has happened since, and yet their journey has only just begun.

After a quick drinking pause, they continued, before the herd could fall apart. Some of the animals are restless, while others follow a lot more calmly. Using horses instead of dirt bikes or even a helicopter is a lot less stressful for the feral animals, but being chased makes them nervous nonetheless. Rocko’s laid back attitude towards the humans keeps the panic in the herd contained to a minimum, though.

Thankfully, the weather is working in their favor for a change. A cool breeze is sweeping across the terrain and swishing through the canyons, keeping the temperature from rising to the heights it reached in the past couple of days. It’s a good thing the conditions are a lot more tolerable, because the riding is intense. The wind, together with the stampede, does kick up a lot of sand, engulfing the wranglers in clouds of earthy particles. Dean, being at the back of the herd, has pulled his neckerchief over his nose, keeping the dust from entering his lungs.

Halfway through the afternoon, the wranglers have managed to guide the group of horses safely down the slopes on the east banks of the Superstitions. A time consuming detour, but crossing the mountains without a herd is challenging enough, not to mention with over a dozen wild animals added to the clan. After descending the much smoother slopes for hours on end, the canyon functioning as a tunnel and relieving the pressure from the riders, the walls on either side fan out. Before them lays the valley, the small town of Gold Canyon in the far distance to the west, the sun edging towards it as the day begins to close in on the night.

“Yankee!” It’s Dean who gets her attention, his voice rising above the sound of the stampede. Y/N turns in the saddle while she continues to follow the movement of her horse with her hips. Behind her, three young stallions have wandered away from the group in a matter of seconds. Joplin hasn’t noticed them yet, fixed on holding the flank ahead, but when her rider moves her hand to the left, she rolls away like a fighter jet. The little dark mare needs no encouragement and is at full speed within five strides, shooting across the terrain at a speed of forty miles an hour. Y/N has bent over Joplin’s neck, staying low in order to increase the aerodynamics. The fast rhythmic sound of hoofbeats tremor the ground, the wind rushes in her ears and drags tears from the corners of her eyes. The two cut off the youngsters, redirecting them back to the herd like they have been doing this together for years. Y/N’s partner in crime pushes her ears back and snaps her teeth, not so kindly advising the horses to hurry it up or else, triggering her rider to grin at her feisty character. Once the three join the others, the cowgirl lets out a cheer, adrenaline coursing through her veins. Dean was absolutely right, this is just like a spaghetti western.

They ride along the promontory of the mountains to their right, roughly following the Lost Goldmine trail. By the time the company passes a volcanic remnant called Turk’s Head, the sky begins to change, adding orange to the blues. A glance at her old watch tells her it’s 5.10 PM. Three days ago she kept feeling her back pocket for her phone whenever she needed to know the time, or felt the urge to check her messages, but not having her Iphone with her turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Who would want to stare at a screen and miss all the good stuff?

Ted’s strides are long and consistent, not a trace of fatigue noticeable with the bay gelding. From behind the group, Dean should have a good overview, if it wasn’t for the dust clouds obstructing his vision. The small particles cling to his skin, his lashes, the fabric of his clothes. He can still see the boys holding their ground well on the right, the steep slopes running up into the peaks of the Flatiron assisting them, working as a funnel. Benny and Macy are keeping a good pace; if they continue at this speed, they will be home before dinner. Y/N is doing outstanding on the other flank, forming a dream team with eager little Joplin. Thankfully, Dean has eyes up ahead, because the radio on his belt begins to crack. “Two miles to go, Chief!” Dean takes the radio phone and presses the PTT button before he answers. “Let’s bring them home, brother.”

With his thumb he twists the channel nob, switching to number four, before he calls in again. They should be within the perimeter now. “Bobby, do you read me?” It’s quiet for a moment, but then the static breaks. “Loud and clear, son.” The head wrangler smiles, glad to be delivering good news after three days and nights filled with nerve wrecking moments. Treacherous terrain, suffocating heat. Drought, snakes, minor injuries. “We’re comin’ in hot. Thirty minutes.” “The gates are open. I’ll tell Ellen to put the casserole in the oven.” Dean’s mouth begins to water when his aunt’s famous dish is mentioned. No disrespect to Benny, but after all that canned food, he can’t wait to sink his teeth into that delicious corn, beef, and onion stocked, stomach filling meal. “In that case, I’ll make it twenty. Over.” “We’re ready for ya. Over and out.”

The head wrangler hooks the radio back on his belt and glances aside. Rocko is galloping about thirty yards to his left, ahead by a few nose lengths. Sweat shimmers on his neck and shoulders, his dark bay coat almost black now. With big, powerful strides he pushes forward like a steam train, yet agile, maneuvering past rocks, cacti, and bushes. Even untrained, he has grown into a strong horse. Dean can’t wait to work with him. To strengthen that bond even more, to teach him. Watching the stallion by his side and under Dean’s wing as it were, fills him with pride already. It’s at this moment that Dean realizes; this horse is going to be something else.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to reblog my work or buy me coffee (Link in bio at the top of the page)

Read part sixteen here

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autumnblogs · 4 years ago

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Day 8: The Universe Will Eat Paradoxes for Breakfast

Alright, time to get back on this horse.

https://homestuck.com/story/1358

We open with John exploring his planet. This game is a lot shorter than I remember it being, which is kind of welcome. While these little walkaround are fun, it isn’t until some of the later ones that they have some really heavy content, and this one in particular can be effectively skipped since I know we rehash it later with PM. That said, as part of the work as a whole, especially for first-time readers, and especially especially back when it was first being written, these are a lot of fun.

More after the break.

https://homestuck.com/story/1363

The militarist surrenders at the first sign of being overpowered (Bec is a symbol of trauma for him)

https://homestuck.com/story/1365

And is easily subdued.

https://homestuck.com/story/1372

More of the highly-jade-specific interactions.

Most of our opportunities to directly control characters so far have been pretty exclusively John and Jade. I wonder if Prospit players in particular are just more susceptible to the layered narrative true nature of reality in Paradox Space, or if it’s even just specifically John and Jade? We can directly control John through the walkarounds in his house and on his planet, and are implied to be indirectly influencing Jade through the sections where Jade breaks the fourth wall and lets the audience do things (whether literally through the couple of polls so far, or during the memory match game).

I’ve already theorized about all the parts of the story where Jade lets the audience take control as being representational of Jade’s highly overactive imagination - the audience serves as her gallery of imaginary friends, effectively.

Going back momentarily to the walkarounds with John, I wonder if we could read out of them that John’s wandering around tends not to be voluntarily directed by John almost at all - he zones out, and just lets the wind take him wherever it will, not really consciously exploring so much as aimlessly wandering. For John, everything in his environment is potentially a source of meaning, so everything in his environment is equally meaningless.

https://homestuck.com/story/1382

The Pumpkin is far too semantically complex to be rendered as a human-readable captcha code.

Which is weird, because as symbols of Void, shouldn’t Pumpkins be almost elemental? I would have expected a pumpkin to have one or two slots tops.

https://homestuck.com/story/1383

As @mmmmalo has already pointed out (or maybe one of the many people who reply to their posts!) this page conceptually connects a pair of hands holding each other with Squiddles, building Squiddles as a symbol of intimate contact.

https://homestuck.com/story/1389

In spite of Jade’s inner desire to go ape shitt [sic] she nevertheless remains by far the character with the best foresight until Terezi enters the comic (and Rose finds her groove as a Seer of Light.)

https://homestuck.com/story/1391

While inquisitive and probing when he comes across something he can interact with, when he talks to his friends, John seems very happy to mind his own business about their inner lives, and not push too much for more details than they are willing to give.

Another line in here has John mirror Dave’s language but end differently, turning the trope “take him out behind the woodshed and shoot him” and turning it into a playful joke. The fact that they both make use of nearly the same language makes me wonder whether John and Dave have talked about Becquerel alone, Dave sharing his discomfort with John leading him to make this remark, or if strange minds just think alike in Paradox Space?

https://homestuck.com/story/1393

Jade and Dave’s interactions with each other continue to be priceless. I think Jade’s guilelessness and lack of pretension makes it considerably easier for Dave to exist around her and just be himself, he doesn’t feel too competitive the way that he does around John (who is another boy/man - a significant part of Dave’s future arc is the level of insecurity that he feels over the way that John is arbitrarily powerful and he can’t catch up. Bro’s version of manhood is one where men have to compete with one another to establish dominance. I keep mentioning Toxic Masculinity in relation to Bro, Dave, and manhood in Homestuck in general, and instead of writing on the subject myself right now, I’ll direct you to Cinema Therapy’s excellent video about the subject.) or Rose, whose non-traditionally-feminine characterization and superior affectation eggs him on in a similar way. Dave can just be Dave around Jade.

https://homestuck.com/story/1394

Unlike Jade, John does negotiate with terrorists! I think that John is definitely only tolerating Karkat here specifically because the game is giving him reasons to believe that Karkat is actually an alien. But I also think that if Karkat had contacted anybody other than John he would have been shit out of luck. While in other places it manifests as gullibility (like when Terezi tricks him into getting killed by his denizen), John is generally extremely tolerant, willing to accept apologies, and believe the best of other people. He will kick the shit out of you if you’re an unrepenant jerk like Caliborn, but John has faith in just about everyone.

https://homestuck.com/story/1401

If it feels like I can barely be bothered to stop talking about the genders for twelve seconds, these characters can barely stop talking about the genders for twelve seconds, or sex, or psychosexuality, or being tangle buddies. Sometimes, they’re just talking about being friends though, and that’s alright too :)

https://homestuck.com/story/1403

The way that Jade deploys Sburb machines is nearly the opposite of what Rose does. Rose looks for pre-existing places within John’s house to deploy Sburb’s apparatuses, filling space that isn’t filled yet. Jade removes Dave’s bed to deploy the Cruxtruder there, his Television to put the Totem Lathe there... you’d really think a Hero of Space would display better spatial reasoning!

https://homestuck.com/story/1431

Rose, like Terezi, is more cognizant of Narrative Prompts meddling with her internal thought processes. I feel like that probably feeds into her paranoia in a vicious cycle.

Dave does not like being watched.

https://homestuck.com/story/1442

I’m pretty sure that this is the first time the Bluh imagery gets used but I could be wrong? I feel like I might have missed an earlier one if there is one.

John’s expression of disgust here does recall an earlier panel that has its basic theme repeated with all three characters though, and I forgot to comment on it completely until now!

Characters have intrusive thoughts, and intrusive trains of thought like this all the time in Homestuck, as they think about random shit that doesn’t pertain to their circumstances at all, ideas that they don’t want to have, and then reject. Dave’s train of thought here in particular immediately recalls another intrusive thought - Apple Juice and Urine are linked in his head now, so he can’t think about one without thinking about the other now, unfortunately - it’s not a conscious decision.

The quartet of Intrusive thoughts I’m thinking about are

Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.

Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.

Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.

Interestingly from amongst the aforementioned establishing intrusive thoughts, the only character who humors hers is Jade, who proceeds to do exactly that. Go Ape Shitt Jade.

Really, this entire little aside is a bit of an intrusive thought made manifest.

Dave is extremely clever, thinks on his feet, and ruthlessly cunning. I think these are the hallmarks of a Knight, who exploits their aspect (as a weapon, if all the references to Knights as specifically warriors are to be believed.)

https://homestuck.com/story/1452

More intimacy symbolism with squiddles.

https://homestuck.com/story/1483

https://homestuck.com/story/1484

John and PM are in pretty much the exact same predicament.

https://homestuck.com/story/1487

John’s powers manifest just by his being there, without him even really doing anything to trigger them.

I wonder if an Heir of Light would passively cause outrageously lucky happenstances in self-defense like, all the time? Like the dude from that one episode of X-Files with the Rube Goldberg machines.

https://homestuck.com/story/1501

If we go with the theory of AR as a Bad Cop, he is extremely quickly rehabilitated by his community, as almost all such cops are. Again, this reading of AR is extremely experimental and is probably bullshit.

https://homestuck.com/story/1504

More juxtaposition between what is going on with the Exiles, and what is going on with the Kids. I forgot how rapidly Homestuck switches back and forth between perspectives.

This too is probably a kind of circumstantial simultaneity - events that coincide or follow each other not because of geographical continuity, but because they are both related to the same set of information.

https://homestuck.com/story/1521

I think it’s neat that Sburb has built in mechanics like this to ensure that it is played as a cooperative game, but also places limits on how much members of the team are allowed to use each other’s stuff so that douches like Eridan don’t steal the entire team’s Grist Cache to make something stupid.

I wonder if the Red Team and the Blue Team could use each other’s grist? That’s probably one of those things that hinted that they were actually one bifurcated session.

https://homestuck.com/story/1524

Terezi’s use of the phrase Hyper-Flexible Mythology here reminds me of an essay with that phrase in its title that discusses the way that elements like the Classes and Aspects are extremely constructive toward building a story that will have endless room for original characters, and with them, other kinds of fandom engagement.

Other than that, I notice two things here. The first is that Terezi informs Rose and the crew about the Exiles, and by doing so, helps us, the audience, understand why we keep flashing sideways to them.

Terezi also names the setting of Homestuck, Paradox Space, and in nearly the same breath, she alludes to the nature of reality in Homestuck - reality in Homestuck is self-fulfilling. Its only meaning is its own existence - Paradox Space exists just because it does. It needs no external justification for its own existence, it does so because it will. People who live in Paradox Space are like this too. While this is literally, materially true for Gods like John, Rose, Dave, and Jade, it is probably more spiritually true for everyone who lives in Paradox Space.

Nobody in Paradox Space is alive on accident. Everyone assents to their own existence. Everyone gets what they want. Everyone gets what they deserve. Even if they don’t know that those are the same thing, or that Determinism and Karma working together to create a system of distributed responsibility where no one actor is entirely to blame for the ultimate final outcome, but everyone simultaneously played a part in having it end up where it is, and in ending up where they are in all of it.

And with that, I’m going to pause here. We got a lot of information from Terezi, so before we get too much further into Troll shenanigans, we’ll take a break for an evening.

With some luck, I’ll get back to an even number of hundreds in terms of pages tomorrow.

Cam signing off, Alive, Not really feeling like myself today, but still Not Alone.

#commentary #liveblogging #paradox space #self-fulfillment #x-files

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lesbiancalkestis · 4 years ago

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I went and saw Happiest Season last night, and I was so happy to be seeing a gay Christmas movie as my first cinema experience of 2020... (cinemas are open again because we have 0 community transmissions and 0 local cases in my state)....

Anyway, it did not go as expected. I ended up having trauma responses to some of the content. My spoilery review and explanation below.

**SPOILERS**

**I now fully understand why all the gif sets are of Aubrey Plaza being hot. She was my saving grace in that movie, my one gay solace. Well, her, Dan Levy, and Kristen Stewart’s undone look at the Christmas party. But I digress...

Everything else in the movie from the conservative family homophobia to the abusive main relationship dynamics left me triggered as hell.

It felt like watching a kind of sanitised queer version of Get Out but instead of escaping in the end the person being put through all that decided to accept the family’s shitty apology and have a ‘happy’ Christmas with them.

Like why bring up all that visceral family homophobia and abusive dynamics, as well as Harper’s totally destructive internalised homophobia, and then not even bring up the concept of therapy? Because they all need it! Or how those apologies were not enough? The best apology reeeeally is proven changed behaviour.

The way Harper treats Abby is a Soviet military parade there were so many red flags! And they had nothing to do with the fact that she was in a difficult situation and everything to do with how she needed to realise that she was dealing with it in a way that was hurting other people. If she couldn’t adjust behaviour then she needed to at least communicate and not bring someone else into that. That girl was not ready for a relationship.

Like I’m sorry, it sucks, I know. I was not ready for my first relationship with a woman and I royally fucked that whole situation. But it taught me that I wasn’t ready yet, and that I had to work really hard on myself before I could try again. Or at the very least, I needed to be better at understanding where I was at and communicating that. Everyone’s journey is different, and sometimes it takes you a few goes of sorting yourself out before you can have a healthy gay relationship. And if you want to get it right the first time you have to work hard on yourself. That should have been added to the moral of the srory! Them taking a break while Harper sorted herself out was absolutely the best solution, and that did not have to mean forever.

But she absolutely had more chemistry with Aubrey Plaza anyway soooo...**

#happiest season #happiest season spoilers

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charmingyourheart · 4 years ago

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THE TWILIGHT SAGA- a film review

A saga that both enthralled me as a thirteen year old and left me with several questions as an adult.

Isolation clearly sent me insane because I thought picking up the Twilight books would be a productive thing to do with my seemingly endless free time. 2008 me was obsessed, posters of the cast lined my walls, and the Edward vs Jacob debate was fierce. It was a series that taught me much - like never loaning beloved books to “friends” because you may or may not get them back in the same condition. It was a series that introduced me to Fanfic, was instrumental in my love affair with romance novels, and even inspired me to write.

Though the series gets as much hate as it does love, I think we can all agree that the series has left a lasting legacy. The movies gave us absolute fire soundtracks, young adult movies were suddenly everywhere, and for better or worse 50 Shades was, ironically, spawned.

I am not ashamed to say I was a massive Twi-Hard and re-reading the books really made me see why. We all know the story; the lion fell in love with the lamb etc. As far as plot goes, it’s very straight forward, predictable, and more than a little bit of a rip off of the original vampire diaries novels. As someone who was obsessed with both series, let me tell you the character similarities between the characters right down to the “vegetarianism” are just a little too on the nose for me but I digress.

As someone who grew up to admire strong heroines, I was surprised to recall that I identified with Bella. I adored her. I wanted to be her. It’s not that I think she is a weak character, I just think she is a painfully flat character, an empty vessel we could all project ourselves into and by far the most boring character in the series.

Am I the only one who wanted to read more about the other Cullens? Rosalie was and still remains to be my favourite character from the series.Saddled with terrible wigs in the films (sadly not unique to her character), relegated to background all while being the only voice of reason. My girl was done dirty and I wanted more. Yes, this is “Bella’s story” but the book I want to read is about an avenging vampire taking revenge in a wedding dress. It kills me that such an interesting character has to play second fiddle to Isabella “not having a personality is my personality” Swan.

There is so much to say about the Twilight Saga as a whole that I’m not sure there is anything I can really say that hasn’t been said before. So without any further ado…

TWILIGHT

The OG, the numero uno, the one that started it all.

It’s not that it’s badly written. It’s that it’s so juvenile.

Maybe age has skewed my perception and I know I am definitely not the target audience anymore yet from the first page I can’t help but feel disappointed. I know where it’s going, I’d read the books multiple times in the past, watched the film dozens more and I wanted that magic to be there.

It wasn’t.

Vampires aside, it’s also wildly unbelievable.

Look I’m willing to suspend disbelief as long as it’s moderately plausible.

The most egregious example of this is the Cullen’s themselves. Is Stephanie Meyer really trying to tell me that the Cullen “children” enjoy repeating High School over and over again instead of doing literally anything else with their time? High School was and remains to be a blur of hormones, heartbreak, and Hell on earth. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to repeatedly inflict that on themselves.

Menstruation is also ignored. You know that little thing 50% of the population does. How do the Cullen’s cope in an enclosed environment with a bunch of women on their periods? Especially when Jasper attempts to attack Bella over a paper cut... It’s things like that keep me up at night.

I found Bella so mind numbingly boring and she just annoyed me to no end. We get it, you’re awkward, clumsy, and so painfully average. Edward is just a borderline stalker who routinely pushes boundaries (something 50 Shades doubles down on) and the dialogue is just so cheesy. Seriously, my lactose intolerance was flaring up. Lines such as;

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Had me cramping worse than all those ill advised wine and cheese nights I inflict on myself.

That aside, the book is relatively engaging and even though I found my eyes rolling so far into the back of my head I could practically see my brain, I didn’t hate it. The magic was gone. The romance was unhealthy and the plot plain.

(New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn- below the cut)

NEW MOON

How this was my favourite book for so long is beyond me.

It’s so astronomically terrible I can’t even write about it without feeling triggered.

A book that basically boils down nothing more than: sad girl is sad and does suicidal things in order to “see” the love of her life.

Boo you’re like eighteen. What do you know of love? Nothing. Because you are a child. And that right there is the classic sign I’ve become an adult - I’m agreeing with the adults in this world.

There is no plot. No character development. Nothing.

Well there are the shifters but like anything remotely interesting Meyer created it’s quickly pushed to the background.

I just can’t with this book. I am a broken woman.

ECLIPSE

Teenage angst is angsty.

There’s a love triangle.

BACKSTORY!

More angst.

A minor sprinkling of plot.

More angst.

Oh look proposal.

Honestly there isn’t actually much to say about this because like New Moon it’s just a filler book of nothing. It's just meh.

As Jay says, it’s “best remembered as a fun experience in the cinema, with people yelling at the screen every time a character said something dumb".

BREAKING DAWN

Just no.

It’s too soon. It will always be too soon to relive this trauma.

I hated it as a teenager and I hated it as an adult.

Sorry. I just can’t overlook the impossible conception of Renesmee (the WORST character name in history) but am I just expecting to ignore the fact Jacob fell in love with a BABY?!

There is just so much about this book that I can’t even find the words for.

____

In sitting down to write this I have discovered that Twilight would have been better served as a single outing. While the first book certainly isn’t perfect the rest of the books are a steady decline into nothing and there is actually no reason for so many books.

NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THESE BOOKS.

While it is a series I once adored it just doesn’t hold up against all the other young adult offerings out there. If you want some suggestions? Hit us up. But Twilight beyond the first book, and really even that is kind of a stretch, is just not worth the pain.

+ Stalking aside pretty inoffensive.

- Literally everything else.

Final verdict: better left in 2008.

#film review #vampire week #twilight #new moon #breaking dawn #eclipse #honest react #review by: sian #vampires #twilight review

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finalxgirls · 5 years ago

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IT: Chapter Two review

Spoilers under the cut.

Thoughts on IT: Chapter Two:

I really enjoyed it, but it is in no way flawless. I’ll go through it and break down a couple parts.

-The opening scene involves a gay couple being victimized in a hate crime, it doesn’t shy away and is extremely brutal. One of them is thrown over the bridge and Pennywise kills him. I’ve seen a few people say this is only played for shock value, and in a way, yes it is. But it is how the book opens and it does have meaning behind it. It helps show how there is an underlying evil in Derry and how IT corrupts the town. Regardless, I think it is a bit over the top and definitely can be triggering.

- The pacing and tone are different from the first. This one feels more chaotic and mismatched, the original is tighter and feels contained. But the transitions in this more are crazy good??

-I’m so happy they gave more for Mike to do, he is my favorite in the book and I was sad that he wasn’t as present in the first movie. Speaking of present, they managed to keep Stan very present throughout and his suicide is done very tastefully. Andy Bean gives a heartbreaking performance and he is in the movie for two mins tops. It still feels like he is with his losers even after he is gone.

- “I swear, Bill.” Broke. my. heart.

-All the adult actors are wonderful in these roles, and of course Bill Hader is a stand out as Adult Richie. But really props to the casting team, everyone is phenomenal.

-I know many people have complained about the run time being too long, and I agree some scenes drag on a bit longer than necessary. But the book to over a thousand pages, and the ending doesn’t land correctly if you don’t grow to love these characters and care about their dynamics with one another.

-The flashbacks I loved and help further your love for the characters and really feel their connections to one another as this small family.

- In all their little side quests to get their tokens for the ritual, Richie's and Bill”s stood out to me the most. Richie's for obvious reasons and how close to home it feels with pennywise taunting him, “I know your little secret, your dirty little secret.” and Bill’s is also heartbreaking as he deals with the guilt of losing Georgie and has never forgiven himself.

-Stephen King cameo!!!!!!

- “Kiss me, Fatboy.”

- The scene where Henry stabs Eddie in the cheek I jumped so hard. I loved that whole part and how Eddie gets the upper hand on Henry in the end.

- I like that they show truly how evil IT is in the scenes where he kills Vicky and Dean.

-The neibolt sequence was batshit crazy and I loved it. Especially when Beverly saves Ben from IT, and then Ben saves Richie from the Stan head.

- The fucking Pomeranian behind the not scary at all door killed me.

- The contrast between Ben and Beverly while both suffocating in horrible ways but still fighting to get to each other I- wow. “Beverly, I love you!” poetic cinema

- Bill finally facing his grief and guilt and telling his younger self he was a good big brother and did nothing wrong, that it wasn’t his fault Georgie died made me weep.

-”You sloppy bitch!”

- I knew Eddie was still going to die but it still hurt so bad to watch. I think them changing his last words fit more to their Eddie but I still wish they were more sentimental. But in away they do when they have Richie pleading while Beverly tries to console him.

-The basically bullied Pennywise to death and it makes perfect sense. He thrives off of fear and having them replace that fear with ridicule would destroy IT, and bring bring IT down to their level.

- R+E

-Ben and Beverly together on a boat with a dog is what they deserve.

-Stan’s letter was a beautiful addition and made my friends and I s o b in the theatre.

-I know many people have said this isn’t scary enough, but I disagree for many reasons. I don’t believe we find Pennywise as scary now because he is such an iconic movie monster, in the first we didn't know him as well as we do know. We are a bit desensitized to IT at this point. But for me I never found Pennywise to be the scariest part of IT. The scariest part to me is the realistic things in IT. From the opening of the hate crime, to the domestic violence that Beverly faces, and overall the fears of growing up and the trauma that comes with it. I could write a whole separate piece on this alone.

- While this film has it flaws, but is still beautiful and it is what I wanted. 8/10.

#IT movie #it chapter 2 #it 2019 #it chapter one #horror movie review #horror #horror blog #horror movie #it chapter ii #pennywise #the losers club #bill denbrough #beverly marsh #ben hanscom #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #mike hanlon #stan uris

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shiredwarf · 6 years ago

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okay, so here's the long ass rant that was promised. It's very much centered around Jaime and Brienne/Jaime because apart from Tyrion they're like the only reason I'm still invested (and this blog will stan book!Jaime to the bitter end) though don't expect any sort of Cersei bashing. Jaime/Cersei is complicated and boils down to more than "OMG SHE'S A TOXIC BITCH!!!" but more on that later. Obviously, there will be spoilers behind the cut and speculations regarding the rest of the show + a reference to a potential leak for ep 5 that's basically been going around since even before the show started so I don't know how big of a surprise that is to anyone.

Starting off with a couple of plot points:

The Funeral Scene Dany and Jorah were heartbreaking :( I loved those two together so much :( Jon's speech was fantastic but you know it would have been more moving if literally ANYONE apart from the people in the North + Cersei's gang had been aware of the danger heading their way. Like I bet you could talk to any peasant in King's Landing and they wouldn't even have a clue what White Walker means.

Gendry Baratheon of Storm's End & The Feast A++ scene, would watch again. Loved that Dany gave a shoutout to Arya and drunken Tyrion leaning on drunken Jaime warms my heart. Love my dysfunctional Lannisters. Also as much as I dislike certain aspects of the drinking game (see below) I appreciate Tyrion's match-making. He's a good bro. And seeing Brienne so relaxed with her friends is just... good stuff. Tormund is a cutie as always and Tyrion pouring him a drink after he realizes he has no chance with Brienne was the best. So was the Hound acting as Tormunds relationship counsellor. Poetic cinema. The token and conveniently available Northern women throwing themselves all over any male single character wasn't on the other hand. Loved that Sansa and Sandor finally got a scene together. Didn't love the 'glad I was raped so I could become the woman I am now' bullshit. Gendry is the fucking cutest! Smitten to the core. I am tentatively confident that he and Arya will work it out if they survive.

Tormund's & Sam's Goodbye Glad they got a goodbye with Jon, glad Tormund got Ghost cause Jon sure as hell doesn't deserve him. Like not even a pat. How the direwolves were treated pisses me off so much. At this point, I hope we'll never see them again just so they can be alive and happy wandering around with the best boi.

Missandei & Rhaegal No comment tbh. What's even the point anymore.

Onwards to relationships & characters:

The Starks & Dany I AM SO SICK OF THIS. SO SICK OF IT. Arya did not cut Littlefinger's scheming throat last season so that they can now scheme and bicker amongst themselves. Yes, Sansa has a right to worry about the North. Yes, Dany fucked up more than once since she came to Westeros. But those characters faced a tsunami of undead together and them still being too stubborn to even entertain working together without a hidden agenda to bring down Cersei is stupid and PLAIN BAD WRITING! Now Tyrion is being dragged into this shitshow as well and I just... ugh Varys why

Dany Listen, I'm not the biggest Dany fan, far from it. But they're treating her like shit! She lost so much during that battle and there she is at the table watching others bond while she's alone. Like jfc Jon I'm not saying I approve of this whole thing but go hug her or something, she's given her all in the battle. Again I don't approve of most of the things she's done since coming to Westeros but can you imagine how isolating this experience must be. Apart from a select few survivors, everyone close to her for the past years is now back in the company of people they've known for far longer. They belong, they have bonds, friendships, loves, family and she's not part of it, has no place in this. She must feel so lonely right now. And instead of highlighting that (or btw dealing with the PTSD that everyone surely suffers from after that battle) they make her go all MAD QUEEN! Because that's how you write female characters isn't it. As soon as they show strong emotions due to trauma you can label them as crazy! jfc Then she loses another dragon, large parts of her fleet and Missandei. I honestly can only feel bad for her. And all that by the hand of fucking Euron the most annoying and flat villain out there. Honestly, at this point, I support "MadQueen!Dany". Just burn everything to the ground, preferably the entire show with the exception of Brienne being knighted.

Jaime & Tyrion Not much to say here except: I love them. I just want to watch them sit around in front of a fire and drink and tease each other for the rest of my life. I just love their sibling dynamic.

Jaime & Tyrion & Bronn I don't know really... usually I love those together but that scene was just... off? I don't know. So Bronn just rode North for a 3-minute talk and then he just... fucks off? (I mean I assume he doesn't, he will be around in some form but it just irks me. Inconsistent writing and people teleporting in and out of the plot.)

Euron & Cersei Yeah, I love watching Euron creep on Cersei. Totally cool. Not like this is what she wanted to escape since the very start. Yeah, it's cool.

Jaime & Brienne Oh boy.... ok, let's start with the stuff I liked

the two of them just enjoying each other's company during the feast and just smiling at each other so free of their usual burdens. seriously Brienne has smiled so many times over the past episodes (and she melts my heart every time she does. Gwen is stunning!). In case it wasn't obvious until now: I really hate so much about season 8 but the absolute avalanche of good Brienne/Jaime content in ep 2 and 3 will be cherished forever.

Jaime's character arc is putting up a good fight at the beginning coming to Brienne's defence when Tyrion asks about her virginity

Jaime was so freaking nervous when he showed up at Brienne's door and I'm so here for that. I'm also here for Brienne doing most of the undressing. Get it, Brienne, you deserve this. No seriously though it matters to me that she pushed his hand away and then started to undress herself. It was her choice. She wasn't passively just taking what he was offering. I appreciate that in a show that has a less than stellar record with consent.

and listen I'm so bitter about so many things but I can't help but love it. I just love those two so much and I will cling to that one moment of happiness.

now the stuff I didn’t like...

right, so this is just a pet peeve of mine but I HATE the whole 'sex jumpstarted by a never-have-i-ever drinking game'-trope. I just hate it. I don't know what it is about that but I just don't like it and whenever I come across it in a fanfic it just throws me off. Now this scene itself was cute, not denying that but I just hate that THAT's the thing that sets it all off. especially since there was no need? and I should know I've read like every Brienne/Jaime fanfic published in the last two weeks. making two people hook up after a battle should be the easiest thing but no they go for this mediocre modern college AU plot? (and I'm not joking, I've read a fic like that a year or so ago...)

I really dislike the fact that they focused on Brienne's virginity because it's not in character for her to be worried about that. Apart from the fact that she is unmarried and highborn and therefore unlikely to have slept with anyone in the first place Brienne has never been ashamed of that. She is ashamed of her looks and her mannerisms and she thinks no one will ever love her or desire her. That's her insecurity. Not the fact that she's a virgin. If that were the case she could have fixed that with Tormund ages ago. Brienne yearns for acceptance (she got that now thanks to the knighting) and love (which can come with sex but is not exclusively tied to it) not some hookup. Now Tyrion doesn't know that so I can kind of understand his line of thought and her reaction I just don't like that this again is what triggers the development of Brienne's and Jaime's relationship. She's not flawed because she's a virgin and he doesn't need to "fix that". What they do need to do instead is face their feelings, share them and if that then leads to sex, all the better but it's not the point! Brienne being loved is the point and I'd have rather had an "I love you" than 10 sex scenes.

Speaking of circumstances... I would have prefered them not to be drunk but I guess I can kind of accept it. Both of them are damaged and insecure and would probably doubt the other's intentions in their sober state. Still... would have been nicer (and at least they weren't like REALLY drunk... to the point where consent would have been debatable)

I am still a bit upset that we didn't get a scene between them talking through what's going on in their heads (e.g. a discussion of what Jaime will do now and what he meant when he didn't finish "I came to Winterfell because....") but then again both Brienne and Jaime have always been more about actions than words so I'll accept it.

Did not get a scene with Brienne taking his hand off and showing him acceptance :/

Jaime

My first response to the episode was as you can guess very negative. Jaime's been my fave for a decade or so now and it's been beyond painful seeing his character development grind to a standstill for years on end. I was willing to forgive it though. I realize they needed someone to humanise Cersei and a screen partner for Lena that isn't a zombie or a creepy necromancer and when Jaime rode North at the end of S7 I thought: Ok here we go, we're finally back on track. Should have happened years ago during the siege of Riverun but at least it's happening at all. Then we get two episodes of Jaime distancing himself from Cersei and following Brienne around like a puppy. Quality material. Now though there are two options Either D&D decided to fuck him over and just obliterate 9 years of character growth for the sake of shock OR this is a very clumsy attempt at increasing the suspense and making people question whether Jaime is bad after all. Personally, I believe (and will always believe) option 2 BECAUSE THAT'S THE FUCKING BOOK CANON. Realistically though, I'm expecting option one.

Anyway, most of Jaime's scene can be interpreted one way or another and that's the only thing giving me hope here. For example

The sex scene with Brienne could just be him letting off steam, feeling alive after a battle etc and he doesn't truly desire and love her as much as he loves Cersei. BUT Jaime has never been about sex, Jaime has always been about love. Misguided and utterly toxic love from time to time but it's always been about love. He's had women throwing themselves at him left and right and yet he's always been faithful. Always true to Cersei. Why on Earth would he stop being faithful now? I believe sex and love are 100% intertwined for Jaime and he will not have sex with anyone he does not fully love. I always believed Jaime would have to put his relationship with Cersei behind him for anything to happen between him and Brienne (which is why I was so happy they didn't immediately kiss in ep 2). Whether that's the way the show sees it is another question...

When Jaime watched Brienne sleep afterwards that again can be read as regret or him thinking of Cersei and feeling guilty, wondering what he's done. I'd like to think instead that he's really wrestling with his own demons here (and that btw is why I would have rather had a scene with them having a heart to heart and fucking sorting this shit out once and for all). First of all: Jaime hates himself and I'm 100% sure he doesn't think he deserves Brienne. I think he feels guilty for not being able to keep his distance. I think he's aware that he's still on thin ice both with the Starks and Dany but also with Cersei. A lot of people would rather see him dead. What would that mean for Brienne's reputation? And what would happen if Cersei found out about this? So I'd like to think he's realized that he's involving her in something very dangerous that could leave her dead or emotionally damaged. (And btw why would he be planning and discussing their future with Tyrion later when he's already considering Cersei straight after sex? He would have put a stop to it because again love > sex for Jaime).

I don't know how Jaime staying in Winterfell would make any sense if he was still madly in love with Cersei. And I'm not saying this through my Brienne/Jaime googles. This is completely independent of Brienne. He knows they will go to war against Cersei. He's not part of the war council because obviously they don't trust him and maybe he also doesn't want to be directly involved in the killing of his own blood. No matter what she will do, no matter how much he will fall out of love with her she is still family, still his blood and there will always be a part of Jaime that loves his family and his blood no matter what they do (see Tywin, see Tyrion). Him jumping at the chance to kill Cersei would be out of character regardless of whether he now loves Brienne or not. In any case, Jaime knows what's coming, has no illusions there so if he's truly still bound to Cersei why not leave then. It's been days? I really can't explain this one if the writers go with option 1.

now about the scene with Sansa and Brienne. Could be that he is worried about Cersei and it's only now sinking in that she will die. Could be that Sansa's snide comment triggered something in him. Buuuuuut he does not look happy when he learns about Cersei's success. He looks worried, he looks like he didn't expect that. I'm not saying he's not shook by Sansa's comment. As I said I believe he will never truly not care about Cersei, she has made him who he was, she has been the focus of his life for so many years, you can't just forget that. But there is a difference between him losing it and doing a 180 because he still wants Cersei and him feeling conflicted because he knows what Cersei is and what needs to be done but that doesn't erase their history.

and then finally the goodbye scene. Again this could be in line with option 1, in fact it seems very much in line with it. I'm not saying it's not. But there are signs that it might not be. Like "Have you ever run away from a fight?" for example. Cause that's what he's been doing! He stayed behind in Winterfell because leaving would have meant fighting on one side or the other. He was trying to avoid that I think. And I also think he's now realised he can't. I think he didn't expect Cersei to kill a dragon or capture someone close to Dany. I think he thought it would be easier to take her down but apparently, it's not and I think he's worried now. Worried that Cersei will win and what that will mean for everyone he loves (Tyrion, Brienne). He probably decided that he's got the best chance of finishing this or at least contributing to the end. He might have realized that they do not have the luxury of keeping him out of it. Then Brienne brings her hands to his face and starts to beg and you know what he does? HE NODS TO HIMSELF. You know when Jaime usually nods to himself??? When he realizes how good, and pure, and honourable and true Brienne is. When he realizes he will have to stop her from giving too much because of that (e.g. when she tries to give Oathkeeper back. He does this little nod that says "of course she would do this" and then he has to tell her to keep it!). I honestly think this is him going "right, of course, she would do this. Of course, it's not going to be that easy. Time to bring out the big guns." He then goes on to confess all of his bad deeds and yeah again this could be option 1. Him driving home how much he loves her and not Brienne. But honestly, does it seem like that? He's not gloating, he's not admitting to this easily (the way he used to when Cat had him). To me, it looks like he has to force himself to do this because he hopes that will convince her to a) let him go and b) not follow him. I think he's trying to cut ties because he doesn't want her with him for what he's about to do. I think he's trying to make her hate him because he doesn't expect to come back and he thinks this way will be easier on her. This is Jaime's version of throwing stones at Nymeria. And as much as I try and read this any other way I just can't. Nevertheless, he made my girl cry and boy that's testing the limits of my love for him^^

What I think should (and could) now happen: I think it would make perfect sense for Jaime to go South on his own, infiltrate the capital, get to Cersei and play some part in her demise. I can even see them dying together as suggested by (unconfirmed) leaks but I doubt it will be in the spirit of “We came into this world together, we'll leave it together”. If they die together, I think it's more likely that he will stay with her because of the love he still feels for her even though that love is nothing compared to what it used to be. Looking at the episode I feel like this would make so much sense and most importantly it would not butcher his arc.

What I suspect will happen instead: I'm bitter and sad and based on the crap D&D have done to Jaime and others in past seasons, based on this constant need for cruelty and shocking twists I fully expect them to go with option 1. They've had this hard-on for Cersei/Jaime since forever and even though that relationship is way past its expiration date they keep shoving it into our faces. I hate this for many reasons, especially for nullifying Jaime's arc, for turning Brienne into I don't even know what, his rebound I guess. I'm willing to forgive them much but not this. I'm okay with my faves being killed off but not if everything they have become through trauma and hardship is erased within 5 minutes. And the thought that this could very well be the last scene between Brienne and Jaime and that Brienne is either right to believe that Jaime has left her or might never know his true intentions if he does switch but dies beside Cersei is too much. I want to believe guys but I'm so bitter and I don't trust them with Jaime and I do not want to get my hopes up just to be utterly disappointed. So yeah, this is what I'm preparing myself for.

So to summarize: It was not as bad as it could have been and I do think the hate is a bit much but that always happens when you get incomplete spoilers and have HOURS to freak out and hate it even before it starts but jfc they still fucked up. Character assassinations left and right, bad writing and plot holes (Euron anyone???), unnecessary drama and the usual mix of racism and misogyny. In any case, I want to end on a positive note here, so let me just point out the ONLY things I will take away from this episode:

Brienne being beyond precious!

Jaime is GONE, my friends. GONE! (seriously though through the entire thing they kept stealing glances and it's so obvious Jaime talked to her about his family. We missed so much of their relationship in season 4 :( )

Probably not what I'm supposed to be focusing on but that entire scene just screams domestic old married couple. I'm a big fan of Jaime showing weakness in front of her and Brienne accepting and helping without a second thought.

I can't get over how much THEY TOUCH each other. It's been years with nothing but his hand on hers when she was going for the knife and now they're all over each other. And the best thing about it: It's so natural. It's so new but they act as if they've been doing this for years! No hesitation, no doubt and Brienne accepting that she’s allowed to do this now, that he wants it :) (also look at thiiiiiis)

#text posts by thea #thea watches got #jaime lannister #braime #got spoilers #pairing: brienne x jaime #c: jaime lannister #tv: game of thrones.

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femmedplume · 6 years ago

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Ziva David is dead? That sounds fake, but okay.

Obviously, Ziva David is still alive. They never found her body, and if anyone could survive something like that it would be Ziva.

Maybe the force of the explosion knocked her out, caused her some head trauma and loss of memory. Maybe she was in a hospital as a Jane Doe or whatever for a bit.

But Tony’s first thought was to take their daughter back to Tel-Aviv to find some answers. The first thing he’s going to do is check area hospitals to see if maybe she’s there because he knows from head trauma and memory loss, and because he’s not giving up on his girl until he’s absolutely sure.

And he’d find her.

And maybe she wouldn’t remember him at first, her big brown eyes roving over his face without recognition. The hospital, of course, wouldn’t want to release their patient to this tall American. But somehow, making use of that winning DiNozzo charm, he convinces her that she can trust him and the hospital that he can take her home.

She’s hesitant, but he’s determined. He walks her back through the important places in her life, and slowly, Ziva starts to remember who she is. When she’s ready, he re-introduces her to Tali, and seeing her little girl in Tony’s arms is the trigger; everything comes racing back.

She knows who she is.

She knows her daughter.

She knows the love of her life.

She knows that for some reason, G-d has chosen to give her a chance to live the life of peace she has always craved.

They go to Paris, get a small cottage outside the city. For a while, they just float; living off of Tony’s savings and the diamond pipeline Ziva -- of course -- had set up back in her Mossad days. Every morning, when Tony wakes with Ziva in his arms, she asks him what they should do today.

“I don’t know, David,” he always murmurs. “Seems like a beautiful day for a wedding.” Rain or shine, he says it, because any day would be a beautiful day to marry her.

Every morning, she smiles and caresses his face, then gets up to make them all breakfast. She doesn’t say yes, but she doesn’t say no, either.

He never presses her more than that -- but every morning she asks, and every morning, he gives the same answer.

Their days are filled with domestic chores and the never-ending sunshine that is their little Tali. Tony is a surprisingly good cook, and has a flair for decorating. Ziva discovers a green thumb, and builds a little garden on the land outside their kitchen window, with Tali her faithful assistant. Tali likes collecting bugs and lizards and scaring her Aba with them, because it makes her Ima laugh.

Tali thinks Ima is the bravest, prettiest woman in the whole wide world. Aba agrees. Every night at bedtime, Tony tells Tali stories about his adventures with Ziva, though he edits them for content and age-appropriateness. Tali’s favorites are the ones where Ima defeats the bad guys.

Tony calls his dad back in the States and has him pack up and mail Tony’s entire film collection to France. He sets up a projector in their tiny living room and begins the vitally important task of Tali’s cinematic education.

“Nothing violent,” Ziva warns. Tony promises to start with Disney and classic Hollywood Musicals.

Tony teaches Tali English. Ziva teaches her Hebrew, French, Spanish, Russian, Italian....

On the weekends they head into Paris. Sometimes they sight-see, visit museums and libraries; sometimes they people-watch. Ziva insists they visit the little cafe where she and Tony took that picture on the moped all those years ago. Tony’s favorite pastime is shopping, watching his girls play dress up while he snaps photos and gives Ziva subtly flirtatious compliments that, thankfully, are still going over Tali’s curly little head.

“Enjoy it for now, Tony,” Ziva chuckles. “Pretty soon her English is going to be good enough to understand how embarrassing her father is in public.”

“Hey, I am just setting a good example for our daughter,” Tony protests innocently. “Tali-gindeleh, never go for any boy who doesn’t adore you as much as I adore your Ima, y’got me?”

“I don’t like boys,” Tali sticks out her tongue.

Ziva laughs. “That’s my girl.”

Eventually, Tony gets a bit of an itch; he’s been on the go for too many years to feel completely fulfilled without some kind of work. He hesitates bringing it up, since the last thing he wants to do is burst the idyllic bubble they’re in. When he finally does, Ziva just laughs and says she’s surprised he’s lasted this long.

Relieved to have her blessing, Tony uses the last of his savings to buy and restore the old, run-down cinema house in their village. To save money, he applies “The Tao of Gibbs” to restore the old place. Maybe he’s not the best woodworker, but he’s competent enough and knows to listen to Ziva when she insists they call in an actual professional to finish any given project.

The day they re-open the cinema-house is the happiest Ziva’s ever seen him.

Most days, Tony runs the cinema-house, but he does hire some local kids to sell tickets and popcorn so he doesn’t have to be there every night. On Tuesdays, they show classic films, complete with post-showing discussions with the audience which vastly improve Tony’s French.

When Tali turns five, they enroll her in the local school. Faced with a sudden influx of free time, Ziva starts looking into teaching. Does she want to teach martial arts at the small athletic studio in the next village? Or perhaps become a language tutor for university students? Tony suggests she start a ninja-school for tots; Ziva smacks him playfully.

They do, of course, tell Gibbs and the rest of their NCIS family that Ziva’s been found. Eventually. Neither of them is surprised when, exactly 72 hours later, McGee, Abby, Gibbs, Ducky, Palmer, and Vance show up at their front door for a long-overdue family reunion. And when their whole family is gathered for lunch around a long table out on the patio by Ziva’s garden, Tony raises a glass of excellent wine.

“Well, sweet cheeks,” he grins at Ziva, “what should we toast to?”

She gives him that little, sly smile that has always made his heart race. “I think, beshert,” covering his hand with hers, “we should toast to a beautiful day for a wedding.”

#soooo...this has been in my saved drafts for long enough #that I don't actually remember writing it??#but apparently I did a fanfic #tony x ziva #ziva david #tony dinozzo #NCIS #enjoy I guess lol

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poetryasf-ck · 6 years ago

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Good Grief #9 - Hannah Raymond-Cox

Hannah Raymond-Cox grew up in Hong Kong and San Francisco, and has bounced around the UK since age sixteen. She studied International Relations and Modern History at St Andrews alongside her career in poetry and her work includes original plays, slam poetry pieces, and bespoke poems. Hannah won the Stanza Slam, was a National Poetry Slam Championships Finalist for Scotland, and performed on the BBC Stage at the Edinburgh Fringe. She has gigged everywhere from the Royal Albert Hall to a tiny dive bar in Hong Kong. She is currently touring Germany as an actor and munching her way round all the Bäckerei available. Her debut book, "Amuse Girl", comes out from Burning Eye Books next year.

Why, if there was a reason, did you write this poem/these poems?

I wrote the show because I’d been approached after a gig in Edinburgh (Other Voices) and was asked whether I had a full-length spoken word show they could come see. I didn’t, and I felt like… well, why not challenge myself not only to do more long-form work, but share my diasporic story? Writing to time of 3 minutes where you’re essentially doing a persuasive monologue means that nuance and context is harder to achieve, and I wanted to frame my story not as one of moments of fear and loss but one of longterm survivorship.

Why, upon writing this poem/these poems, did you perform them?

I think that there was a sense that for me - it was important to share what abuse and the aftermath of abuse/loss looks like on a practical level, in a way that was performing victimhood but as a part of a larger queer diasporic narrative. For the audience I feel like a lot of us experience grief and loss and loneliness and I wanted to connect with others like me - to say hey, you are seen. Also, it was written to be performed. My background as an actor and spoken word poet rather than a page poet means that to me, some work is explicitly created in the medium for a reason.

How does performing this piece change how you look at what happened to you?

Not really - I feel like a lot of the changing happened during the writing process. It took me the best part of 9 months to write the show, and during the last 4 of those I was working with my director and turning in fortnightly revisions. When you’re editing hardcore like that, the preciousness and connexion to the trauma has to take a backseat in service of a good story for an audience that you can deliver consistently every night.

How do you separate artistic performance from lived personal experience?

I feel like most conscientious poets I know are aware that we perform authenticity, and that means that lived experience gets condensed and presented in a way that makes an impact. My lived experience wouldn’t rhyme, it’d have way more hesitations, deviations, and repetitions, I can’t present an hour of it and go The End - it’s a show. No one piece of work can fully articulate the constant complex changes in how I feel about what I’ve lived.

Do you find yourself affected negatively by performing this piece? If so, how do you look after yourself?

I was terrified the first time I shared it - the sense of ownership was huge, and it took a great deal of trust to hand over my script to someone, and the first time I performed it was also huge. But I now treat it like a job to a certain extent - if I were being triggered or emotionally tired out more than usual in the course of a normal acting job then I’d have had to go back to the editing table and see where I could build in safety measures for myself. For me, poetry is inherently performative, and having years of acting under my belt helps me delineate performance emotion from my own mental state. Writing helps delineate too, like POLARIS’ format of “snapshots” and “scene” literally being said helps me reset my breathing and emotional state between scenes and reminds me and the audience that this is all constructed. I’m not Brecht, but I borrow bits...

Do you practice any aftercare after performing this piece (either for yourself or audiences)? (E.g., talking to audience members who are upset, taking some time out after your performance to ground yourself, ensuring you perform in places where you feel safe etc.)

Personally, I go for a pint with friends who enjoyed the piece. I warm down the same way after my spoken word show as my traditional theatre work. If I weren’t able to perform the piece without touching the unsafe parts, then I wouldn’t perform it. I feel like part of my job as an artist is to be able to reproduce the same experience every show for an audience… The great thing about the conventions of theatre and spoken word theatre means that the safe space notion is a compact made as soon as an audience enters a space with clear performer space vs audience seating. I think it does a disservice to say that as artists we need to practice aftercare for an audience - that’s not a responsibility of the performer to police or preempt reactions. Triggers and grief are so personal that what would you warn for? Frequently, trigger warnings beyond the vaguer “mature themes” remove nuance and subtlety from a piece, I’ve found. I’d rather challenge an audience that let them self-select out with my own interpretation of concerning parts of the show...

Do you do any content warnings for this piece? Why?

I do but I keep them generic! Considering the show sits in the realm of spoken word theatre, warnings are on all marketing materials and are necessarily programmed in to the theatres’ booking systems. It’s an important part of marketing a show - to know your audience and your demographic targets. I also definitely don’t want any kiddos walking into a show created for a more mature audience. POLARIS’ content warnings are: 15+, strong language, and mental health themes. Any more than that and I feel like we’re stepping into the realm of spoiler territory and nuance removal, and I feel like I’ve given enough information to the audience in other material. That material includes biography, reviews, the short and long copy for flyers and websites, the visual design of the poster itself, and more.

Does the artist owe any kind of protection or safeguarding to their audience?

In a vacuum/ideal world, the performer has a duty to one thing and one thing only: making the best piece of art they can, which says something, and communicating that something to an audience in a reproducible and safe manner for themselves. They are not there to warn the audience, make the audience feel comfortable, or look after the audience’s reactions to their work (unless directly funded to produce media that does so). We can't cotton-wool art because it's an important medium for raising awareness, for reflecting life back at us, and for representation. Other things too, but they're less pertinent to the conversation and a medium associated with telling a “truth” to a “power”. Triggers can come from many things, not just things that can be classed as art - we as a society don’t expect them elsewhere, what makes spoken word different?

I think that the warnings in front of a typical show (eg. strobe lights, mature themes) work well enough now. We have content warning systems for some arts (cinema and video games really stand out for the level of detail available pre-purchase) but almost nothing for others, particularly books and theatre. For cinema and videogames, solitary and personal media, that makes sense to provide a measure of information to consumers who may have the ability to pause the medium or want to allow kids to watch material beyond the suggested age rating. Theatre and books, which performance poetry most closely resemble, do not warn beyond blurbs on covers or through supplementary materials used primarily for marketing. They allow for exploration, challenging those who engage with the work in a different way.

Part of the problem with asking the performer and writer to provide content warnings and/or aftercare for the audience is that the performer/writer is usually a) too close to the work (in poetry, the content’s usually personal in nature), b) busy pre-show and post-show working on performance itself and may not want to break character of “performing”, c) drained/busy at the end of performing, and d) the only person doing everything associated with that performance! A small example: halfway through my month-long run of POLARIS at Edfringe 2017, a man who’d watched me perform cornered me immediately after and asked me to talk through his reactions to the show with him, then and there. I was in the middle of set take-down, turning around the space, was tired and mildly out of breath, was emotionally resetting from the show, and was absolutely not in the right space for the conversation he wanted to have. I'm not a psychiatrist, and I don't know about any trauma other than my own. I was one person, doing the work of 5, and in that moment, I wished desperately for another person to manage audiences - with funding, of course, that a spoken word solo show doesn’t have.

Additionally, you don’t approach an actor at a traditional theatre stage door and expect a verbal warm-down, nor do you corner a writer of a book you like and ask they help you with the themes/your reaction to their work. Not to go all “Death of the Author” on this, but like - people have approached me post-show with a myriad of different interpretations on “emotionally fraught” sections. They ranged from reasonable (depression) to out of the blue to me (eating disorders) - even with my imagination on full blast I could not have predicted their personal reactions to the work. If I listed every element of the show I could think of, I still would have missed a content warning that occurred to someone somewhere. The nature of the piece is that - as adults seeing a show on queer themes and mental health, the obligation is on the person who’s chosen to consume that media to decide whether it’s appropriate or healthy for them.

If the piece has funding beyond the usual spoken word operation, in which the poet is performer, marketer, director, producer, and front of house, then there are more options. It could be good to have content warnings but in a way that isn’t visible to people unless they want to see them (so a visible warning saying ‘content that may be disturbing, ask a member of staff, or similar). That would keep both camps (the ‘I need to knows’ vs ‘I don’t want any spoilers’) happy, I reckon. Box office/FOH would be provided with a list, which the performer/producer draws up prior to the tour as a part of the tour pack. There could also be further supplementary materials, like a website for content warnings. A bigger budget, like for Trainspotting: Live! enables you to do fun things like have scratch cards with content warnings that you physically have to work for to reveal… Or you could try and set up a nationwide age rating scheme like for video games and films, but that requires maintenance and a solid review board, neither of which the spoken word scene seems likely to be able to do.

In conclusion, I think that if you engage in art then you're bringing yourself and your experiences and your worldview to it: the artist can't control if those things include triggers beyond a typical age rating and “mature themes”. So if, for example, extensive talk of food triggers you then do your due diligence pre-show and at worst, don't come - it's in the synopsis of POLARIS, on flyers, on the website, and more marketing media. If you're triggered during the show then that genuinely sucks but as far as I'm aware, it's unfortunately part of having dealt with trauma. As for post-show, well, the BBC provides links to Samaritans and other organisations at the end of their programmes. I’d rather put the onus on the audience to find ways of processing art that work for them, and encourage them to take responsibility for their reactions.

Do you believe writing about areas such as grief, loss or trauma is a form of healthy catharsis or memorialisation?

I’m not qualified to answer this question, like, at all. I’m not a therapist working directly with the person who’s going through it. So...it depends on the individual. Writing can be healthy! Or it can lead to fixation.

What kind of warnings signs would you point out to someone new to poetry or performance who was performing about their traumas?

I suppose I’d ask the person to ask themselves why they’re doing it, if they’ve got another safe place to process trauma, and to gently caution them from using poetry as a form of therapy. If you find performing the poems trigger you or leave you mentally unsafe, don’t do it. Work on editing, work on the craft, and by understanding how best to say what you want to say, you can create distance and reproducibility for performing poetry.

#good grief #hannah raymond-cox #polaris #spoken word #other voices #grief #trauma #poetry

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whitestonetherapy · 6 years ago

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Window of tolerance...

A client of mine experienced a very traumatic incident a few years ago and still deals with the effects of it today. She has difficulty in reconciling this event with her life both before and after the trauma. It just doesn’t fit. The memory of the incident is not like other memories at all. Instead of a regular memory her recollections are fragmented, they feel like they belong to someone else, and are combined with deeply uncomfortable feelings involving flashbacks. The question of why it is she feels this way has come up and I wanted to write something about it here.

Biology, the mechanics of the brain, and the quality of our relationships all have a lot to do with this. Start by thinking of life as an uninterrupted sequence of experiences – from the moment you are born to the moment you die. From your first breath onward your brain starts the process of ‘communicating’ with the adult that holds you. You can’t talk, and wouldn’t understand words even if you could, so this starts with your brain communicating your immediate needs (the right-hemisphere takes the lead at this early stage). You’ll probably cry loudly at this point. Hopefully someone will hold you close and make some noises that are intended to be soothing and loving. You have just begun the lifelong process of communicating your needs, feelings and desires to those around you.

What happens in response to your crying matters a lot. By responding to your cries with soothing noises and tender touches your parent has engaged their own brain (again, their right-hemisphere) and begun a long process that will literally shape your brain, helping it to develop and learn to cope with all sorts of situations. You begin to learn how to manage how you feel and, eventually, safely experience the full spectrum of emotional experience.

This early example of mutual regulation between adult and child, where your needs are communicated, understood and then met by an adult, will play a small part in widening your ability to deal with physiological and emotional stress. Neurons fire and proteins are coded, and your brain develops. Even as a baby you’ll come to understand quickly that certain things you do are likely to elicit certain responses. That certain emotions you have can be shared, and that certain things are likely to happen around you if you share them. You’ll learn this from crying at first, and then through playfulness and experimenting. What parent isn’t familiar with the great repetitious game ‘I’ll-take-off-my-sock-and-throw-it-on-the-floor-for-you-to-pick-up’? You’ll hopefully learn that parents can be relied upon. As an infant your brain will start to categorise responses from other humans into a general set of rules (schemas) - these rules will be based on the consistent responses from the people around you, depending on what you do/ what you communicate. This is the start of the complex scaffolding that’ll allow you to start to make automatic predictions about other people and the world. You start to predict the future and generalise - but, also, very importantly, you start to see the world through the lens of your predictions (very important if early care is not adequate and your predictions are thus negatively skewed - a blog for another time). This mental scaffolding gets more complex as you grow, and it will depend in large part on how you are treated, at least at first, by your family (badly, or well). That’s for the future though, because at first babies are just concerned with the person holding them.

With consistent sensitive care over time, the autonomic nervous system of the child develops. This is the facility that controls the level of physiological arousal the child has when he experiences new situations and is closely linked with emotional states. Daniel Siegel (The Developing Mind; 1999) describes a “window of tolerance”, a kind of goldilocks-zone in which there can be arousal of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system but without severe emotional stress. The sympathetic nervous system manages bodily functions (heart rate, respiration, perspiration etc) and the parasympathetic system is responsible for calming you down – for de-arousal. The two systems usually work well together, and we give them a good road test every time there is, say, an England penalty shootout, or jump-scares when watching a film at the Cinema, or when something more seriously shocking and frightening happens.

Parents play a vital role in helping children expand their window of tolerance. By introducing a child to new experiences that are towards the edge of this window of tolerance, and by making sure they are socialised properly, children will gradually expand the capacity of their nervous system to handle arousal. This helps them become resilient - they become strong even if they are not entirely safe. Good news for parents who are very concerned about keeping their children safe at all times - by letting children take some risks we help them to cope much better with handling strong emotions throughout their lives. Children will do this all by themselves anyway with games that seem reckless to an adult eye. Last week I watched an Instagram video of my 10-year-old nephew in a New York park, clambering in ‘monkey bar’ style about 15 feet up from the ground. He was using a section of a climbing frame that was obviously not designed for the purpose at all. It was impressive, but I would probably have yelled at him to stop if I’d been there. My brother is made of sterner stuff, being well used to his son taking risks, and he didn’t bat an eyelid. The designer of the climbing frame just hadn’t factored in either my nephews excellent ninja skills, or the reality that children will always look at what equipment is available then immediately start to work out how to take further risks. In fact, the maximum risk possible thank you very much! If you walk by any park you can always find children doing something dangerous while a parent hollers at them to stop. It’s not easy being responsible for kids behaving like that. I remember looking after big groups at my sons birthday parties and there would always be one or two who would not stop, whatever the game, until they were pushing the limits of dangerous behaviour. If someone climbed 10ft up a tree, these kids would climb 20ft and hang onto a branch by a finger. It’s part of how children grow and begin to individuate, developing a richer experience of themselves and the world, but it’s not easy being in charge of a pack. So expanding the window of tolerance is a good thing, and in childhood we seem to be biologically compelled to do that too.

Sometimes things can go wrong and our window of tolerance can be exceeded dangerously. In the most extreme examples (e.g a serious accident), if the trigger is severe enough the memory schemas on which we’ve learned to predict the world around us are temporarily blown away and cannot cope. When this happens the prefrontal cortex goes offline with all power diverted to the subcortical regions of the brain (limbic system, brain stem). This is the way the brain responds to situations when urgent action is needed. The parts of the brain responsible for rational thought and autobiographical memory are powered down. In traumatic situations areas of the brain such as the Hippocampus may become paralyzed altogether. Because of this, the traumatic event that is unfolding is not written to the mind as a normal, ‘regular’ memory. Instead it imprints directly on the limbic system of the brain, and so memories may be fragmented, incomplete, or context free. In these cases ‘memories’ can take the form of sensory flashbacks, outbursts of emotion, nightmares. And so we are left with recollections that feel different and dissociated from ‘the rest of us’, and not fixed in space and time. This set of thoughts, emotions and impulses can be deeply troubling and can take us over (literally) long after the traumatic event has finished. This is common with PTSD.

Moving inward from the extreme of PTSD, many people experience extreme anxiety and fight/flight/freeze physiological responses in situations that seem ‘normal’ to others. It doesn’t take a serious accident. Often this a result of our tolerance window being too narrow to begin with. When this is the case even ‘small’ triggers are enough to drive us to full blown anxiety attacks. I’ve known people for whom ordering a drink from a cafe would induce a state of frozen terror, or responding to a “hello” from a passerby in the street would be enough to cause physical symptoms of full-blown panic. I’ve known people who struggle to even consider as a ‘thought experiment’ being assertive (say, with an unfair boss at work) without taking themselves out of their tolerance zone. I’ve met people who’ve stayed in bad situations for far too long, too fearful to take action of any kind to help themselves. I could go on. Such people feel trapped, alone, overwhelmed and out of options. Sometimes this also comes with a sense of shame, leading to compensatory behaviours in other areas of life. At the mercy of their situation, people may look for ways to achieve a sense of control in at least one area of their life, to quieten their mind, to block out the outside world. Things such as food, exercise, drugs or self-harm behaviours might then be used to stifle all these difficult emotions and the horrible physiological symptoms of extreme anxiety. Often a temporary relief is achieved but at the cost of compounding the root cause of the problem. It’s a vicious cycle. The medicine starts to cause the illness.

Because the capability of our nervous system to handle arousal is something that first develops as we mature, we have to consider what conditions in childhood may have been absent or unbalanced in some way. Scenarios where adults might have failed to provide the conditions necessary for us to grow resilient in our childhood. Perhaps our caregivers were absent or too erratic in their care. Perhaps they were harsh and emotionally remote (”buck up!”), or perhaps too overbearing, drowning us in a flood of their own uncontrolled emotion and anxiety at too young an age. Maybe, even more dangerously, both. Whether through traumatic incidents or repeated ‘traumatic experiences in our relationships’ our nervous system can be taken well outside of the comfort zone. This often leads to panicked states of hyper-arousal (fight, flight) or hypo-arousal (a frozen numbness and even dissociation from the event).

How likely you are to have experiences outside your tolerance zone depends on many things, but I’ll mention two here. The first is your own ‘window of tolerance’. This is particular to you, and will depend on everything that has happened in your life up until now. As above, were the conditions right in your life for your own tolerance level to widen? The second is the force of the traumatic experience you encounter. If your window of tolerance is narrow then many encounters may lead to the kind of hyper-aroused flight/fight response described above. Equally, it might lead to the type of dissociation and disconnectedness we associate with a ‘freeze’ response. Dissociation is a way of compartmentalising something that is too difficult psychologically or biologically to process and work in the therapy room to integrate these things can take time.

My client and I are working with her memories and emotions of the traumatic incident, finding words to describe as closely as possible what happened to her (bodily, emotionally, spiritually). By pulling them into order, and in particular working to reduce the intensity of flashbacks, we’re reducing the automatic fight response that accompanies them. A part of therapy work with many other clients also involves trying to widen this window of tolerance. This is sometimes happening explicitly and we might talk about it openly, but more often it happens implicitly as we go about other things, and so I put it in a big box called “what actually happens in therapy while we are busy doing other things”.

Through talking about emotionally charged experiences we gradually develop our ability to hold uncomfortable feelings in awareness and to begin to share them with others. Some people have never been able to do this, having had to deactivate the innate drive we are born with to seek attachments with people and share difficult feelings. The skill has to be learned (or relearned). In therapy, one aim is to begin to see difficult situations and dangerous emotions as being understandable, shareable, and changeable. We might then feel less trapped, less prone to the ‘psychic-equivalence’ of equating our negative feelings or negative self-talk as iron-clad ‘facts’ about either the world or ourselves. We start to have options as to how to react, and this can be encouraged by experiments in between sessions too. A better ability to reflect on our experience allows us to recognise that our internal world is not the same as external reality, and it becomes easier to put some distance between triggering events and our reaction to them. With this flexibility, triggering situations that once overwhelmed our nervous system can begin to come more under control.

www.whitestonetherapy.com

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channel-z · 7 years ago

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We Need to Talk About Luke

[warning: spoliers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi below]

There's something we're not getting right about Luke Skywalker. We've all been thinking a lot about him lately, due to his grand cinematic reappearance in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. This film unsurprisingly seized our collective imaginations over this holiday season, as Star Wars has for the past forty years and will continue to as long as Disney makes good movies (fingers crossed).

You can't address Luke's role in the film without at first approaching The Last Jedi as a whole. It was surprisingly divisive, and the fan backlash has been relatively sharp and vehement. On the other side, there's already been a lot of film criticism written about this movie that states in better terms that I could about why I dug it so much: it's incredibly inclusive, the casting is remarkably diverse, and the film is woke AF.

I know the structure of The Last Jedi didn't sit well with people. That wasn't the case for me. I liked the movie on first viewing and loved it on second. All the beats worked for me, even the overly didactic ones! I like that the franchise is moving towards a direction of dealing with more ambiguously moral issues. The Star Wars movies have had a tumultuous adolescence (yup... those prequels) and are now finally growing up and coming into their own as modern and sustainable myth.

And then there's a major focus: Luke. Many friends of mine hated Luke's arc in this movie. HATED. I'm pretty fascinated by the strong reactions to his portrayal in this film. Some argue that there's no way Luke would have lived in isolation for so long after his fall from grace (uh... shades of Obi-Wan and Yoda, hello?). And there were those that could not stand that pesky Luke force-projection.

I think these readings of Luke are somewhat valid, but I think that these friends are making the same mistakes that most of the characters are making in the movie as well. Although Luke was always meant to be the hero that would bring the Jedi back and restore order to the galaxy, in reality, his journey was fraught with as much failure and hardship as successes.

Much like his nephew Kylo Ren, Luke is constantly caught between the dark and light sides. The main difference between them is that young Luke leans towards the light, while Kylo Ren leans towards the dark. However, I think they very intentionally mirror each other, maybe even more so than Luke and his father.

Luke is always putting in a lot of work to not fall to the Dark Side. He's sometimes quite successful and heroic, and sometimes... not as much as we remember. Darth Vader tries to turn him during their confrontation on Bespin, in what's arguably the best scene in the entire series, and Emperor Palpatine comes even closer to succeeding in Return of the Jedi, and probably would have, without the third-act surprise redemption of Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker, saving his son from the Darkside and redeeming himself in the process.

I'd argue that Luke and Leia go through the most emotional pain in the original trilogy. Leia witnesses the destruction of her adopted homeworld learns she has a twin brother and father, who she then loses. How does she cope? The new trilogy teaches us that she moves on, starts a family and becomes a leader in the galactic senate and later a general in the resistance. Although her marriage to Han falls apart (probably more his fault than hers, I mean, really), the rest of her newfound roles sit well on her.

Luke has to carry the trauma of losing his aunt and uncle, his new mentor Obi-Wan, learning that the worst dick in the galaxy is his father, losing another mentor, Yoda, and then losing his father after they finally have a nice moment together! How does Luke cope? He tries to become a leader like his sister, by training a new slew of Jedi. But his own inner-conflict and nagging self-doubt lead to a deadly incident with his nephew.

Luke triggers much of the conflict of the new trilogy because, like in the original trilogy, he does not trust his intuition or his own ability to lean towards the light and loving side of the Force. Luke is terribly conflicted. He always has been. It's what makes his hero's journey so compelling and what has made him a more complex and vibrant cinematic hero than we often give him credit for.

And that's just it: Luke Skywalker is first-and-foremost a legendary cinema hero. The Last Jedi meta-textually deals with this fact so, so well, and I think it's the part that's been missing from the discussion around the film. As viewers, we have always wanted Luke to succeed. We cheer his victories but his struggles and losses are equally painful. In the world of Star Wars, Luke is ultimately unable to be the Jedi hero that his friends and proteges need him to be: Luke's always been more heroic in theory than in practice.

That is why, in Luke's final moments as a character (well, at least one who's alive... I wouldn't be surprised if future films trot out Mark Hamil to play a force ghost) we finally get to see the Luke Skywalker we've always wanted to see. When he appears in the cave that the Rebels are hiding out in, he's drastically altered from his earlier appearances on the island. His beard is trimmed close to his face, his hair less gray, and he's wearing the battle garb of the Jedi. He's cool and collected with his old friends like Leia and C3PO and then he steps out to do battle with Kylo Ren, having given the Rebels time to escape.

And there's Luke in his final cinematic face-off: face-to-face with his fallen apprentice, dark vs light, old vs young. Same as it ever was, but not really, because Luke is not even physically there. By projecting himself to appear on Crait, he has become to the Star Wars universe what he's always been to us: a flickering, heroic illusion that gives us identifiable feelings of aspiration and hope. This is the ultimate version of Luke Skywalker: finally removed of his doubt and flaws to be the hero that we've always wanted and desperately needed him to be. We get one glorious fight sequence with Luke in his ultimate form, but this illusion is unsustainable.

Then, watching the sunset, as his character is iconically known to do, Luke becomes one with the Force. But it's not the last we see of Luke in the film. In the movie's stunning coda, Luke's ultimate fate is revealed: he has become a story within the narrative of the Star Wars movies, just like he is within our greater popular culture. The slave kids in the movie are playing with a homemade Luke action figure, so similar to the way my generation spent our childhoods, and they are telling his story. Luke's always been better in the vivid imaginations of kids than he's even been onscreen. The Last Jedi acknowledges that fact brilliantly. That is Luke's narrative moving forward: a myth, a legend, a story, a new hope. For generations of Rebels in the Star Wars galaxy, and for generations of moviegoers in ours, to come.

#star wars #luke skywalker #film criticism #mark hamill #star wars: the last jedi #rian johnston

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sloth-hallo-hier-bin-ich · 6 years ago

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Berlinale 2019

TStarts with: smokey eyes, without smoke. The flu already at the start. Damn. A journey around the world in pictures, from the cinema chair in Berlin. Why? To see other people of this one world with another perspective. #385days - (congratulations to myself) without flying with an airplane and it didn’t hurt going by train.

Systemsprenger | System Crasher https://www.berlinale.de/en/programm/berlinale_programm/programmsuche.html?searchText=systemsprenger&page=1&order_by=1

BOOM. I have never seen such an exact representation of the drama triangle of persecutor/perpetrator, rescuer (on the victim's or perpetrator's side) and the victim. In this dynamic process, in the unstoppable spiral that only makes everything worse because the mother takes the perpetrator's side. And the nine year child, Benni, the wild and angry daughter? Helpless, feels unjustly treated, does not understand the world, is offended and then one wonders that this child reproduces what it has experienced and only when it gets worse and worse, only then - the mother comes. Within Benni’s perspective, you understand, how a trauma trigger works, what emotions in Benni’s head / eyes produces fear and anger and violence. A spiral of violence without end, because the mother is unable to free herself from the partner (perpetrator). This destroys everything for Benni. Benni grew up in an environment that offers no security and no trust. Neither to his mother nor to his brutal friend. How is Benni ever to gain trust? And the film makes sure, she needs someone, a close relationship, not a mother who makes promises and never keeps them. Because of their uncontrolled outbursts of rage, which are also directed against other, weaker children and herself, the spiral of violence becomes more and more blatant.

The Youth Welfare Office hardly finds any more residential groups to accommodate Benni. And it’s hard to see, that some person’s try to help and recognizes her situation, but can’t solve the problem. When Benni trusts a caregiver, she wants him to be her dad, so urgently is the child looking for someone to be close to. But too much closeness is not possible in assisted living, it is not professional. Benni actually needs someone with whom she can stay, without thinking that she constantly has to construct alarm conditions (against others and against herself). But that's what she learns: If it's really bad and she's pumped full of sedatives in the hospital, then the mother comes. The mother make promises she don't keep. A new disappointment, insult and rejection. New anger, new rage and Benni comes back to another institution and it starts all over again. To get back to the dramatic triangle: the victim becomes the perpetrator: a victim-perpetrator. The rescuers, the Youth Welfare Office can hardly replace the missing mother. And a long-term solution with one person, what a task... The film physically attacked me (this only did Utøya and Victoria before). It shows violence, but mostly at the edge of the picture and not in your face - and it hurts you so much more, because as a viewer, you fulfill it in your head. The anger, the despair, the hopelessness, also for the carers, frightening. The camera work is sensitive, because she works herself into Benni, we experience and understand her perspective. Benni's emotional world, impressive, also the editing.

One image will stay for me forever: Benni with the caregiver Micha, they go up a green wooded slope on their nature trip and Benni's garish pink jacket screams into green tones: See me. The great merit of this film is that it shows how rejected mother love can become arbitrary hatred and anger against all sorts of people and how lost those children are.

The question arises: Who is the system crasher here: the mother who does not protect her child from her brutal boyfriend? The boyfriend who hits her small children? The girl who defends herself and gets brutal against others in this dysfunctional family? The dynamic of all? But there is a life without violence, humiliation and destruction, for which one must decide and rather separate from a destroyer. Meeting: ProQuoteFilm. UPGRADE YOUR MIND https://proquote-film.de/#/informationen/news/aktuelles/2019/01/28/upgrade-your-mind-gender-diversitaet/object=post:3946

The Miracle of the Saragossa Sea Why? Arbitrariness of the police man and the police woman? “tooth by tooth”? Revenge and death?

There must be other ways to stand up than waving your weapon around and / or practicing vigilante justice.

Basketball Break: After a weak start Alba Berlin wins 82:74 against the lions of Braunschweig.

La paranze dei bambini https://www.berlinale.de/en/programm/berlinale_programm/datenblatt.html?film_id=201913537

This movie shows the way of the young protagonist Nicola, a fifteen-year-old boy who lives in the narrow streets of Naples. With his mother (she has a little dry cleaning) and his little brother. No school anymore, no work. The mother has to pay protection money to the mafia gang. In Naples, there are different gangs for different areas. With the young boys we ride on scooters through the alleys of the city, experience already the gang fights of the individual groupings of the quarters. Experience the exclusion of the boys, who without brand name clothes and money can't get into the discotheques, while the girls go there, whom they drool after. It is very interesting, how the film constructs via spaces social positions. The districts of the city, the different gangs that control the districts and the only space where everything comes together is here the club, the discotheque. It is divided hierarchically: who is allowed to enter at all, who gets a table at all (only with reservation from 500 € basic consumption) or who stands at the bar or who even sits on the balustrade, above the heads of everyone or who stands in front on stage at the Miss elections. This is how the film depicts the social positions in Italian society, this is how the social positions show themselves: the man has to have money and thereby buys access, the woman has to be young and beautiful - a pretty woman serves to upgrade the man or - having a gun. This film does not heroise this status, it criticises it and makes the absurd mechanisms clear, which often seems ridiculous.

The film shows the seduction of power with false rule models, greed, a non-existent rule of law and Naples is a symbol of organized crime and power of patriarchal structures. And: Selfie-narcissism of the modern world. This self-assurance that you do exist, even if you're small, without a job and money. And how important it is, with whom you make a Selfie, which revaluation this can mean for these boys (in the “sun” of power). How it raises their own importance, almost like Selfies with weapons that will follow. The film shows the male youthfulness, this machismo and the strange honor and hierarchical thinking. How ridiculous some status rituals seem and how the boys can't escape them, but want to participate in any case. With brand sneakers or gold watches already makes a head dealer of the city? It's really painfully funny, how the movie shows these clichés and tells the mechanism in a reflective way. And via Nicola the audience steps into the spiral of violence. Nicola is a contradictory protagonist. Tender to his mother, girlfriend and brother. Naive first love. A friend you can trust on, a human, but surprised by himself what he's capable of. We are observers of his transformation, from a boy with friends into a “business” gang partner and here, Nicola becomes flexible. We see him worshiping an old family clan myth. It has almost something religious, this worship. But he changes the sides in behave of power - power is its seducer. These are chain-forming decisions which gang group he joins. The film unmasks the gang mentality, the mafia gangster heroism, the ridiculousness of the stupid macho behavior becomes clear. One can imagine that also in the future a young, ambitious offspring will overthrow the old Patrones from the throne somewhere. Nicola lives the traditionell role model: the man is the powerful part and a protector, girls are not in the gangs. Girls part: pretty and servants. That's why he dresses up as a woman to come by for the guards of the mafia boss, because nobody in the mafia world does fear a woman, because women are mothers, wives, “princesses” or servants, but the film cracks that constructed role model with Nikolas masquerade - that was the Mafia boss's doom and Nikola expected that. This scene unfolds the positions and hierarchies between women and men. Again, the triangle of persecutor/perpetrator, rescuer (not really, it always another mafia gang on the victim's side) and the victim. The mother has to pay money to the mafia (victim), her son Nicola, want’s to protect her (rescuer - the son, not the police). Nicola wants to stop the arbitrary injustice, but chooses a dangerous solution: he want’s to get more powerful (more violent) than the clan how is “protecting” his area. This has serious consequences. He searches powerful partners and a strategy, to stop the payment for his area. The loop of the spiral of violence is tightened and the mechanism of violence and counter violence, revenge and wild, naive masculinity blows bullets around the ears and into the bodies of some children and adults. Which image I will never forget: the boys at the shooting exercise over the rooftops of Naples. How they train shooting, with the many satellite dishes as targets, under the protection of the self-produced fireworks: playfully dumb, between Appearance and Being. How the little boys with the guns seem to be getting strong or powerful, just because they have a gun and destroy their sat recipients. I liked the camera, how it uses Naples as protagonist, how it plays with the rooms and perspectives and how it captures Nikola's feelings. Plus: Never under estimate the power of a big gold frame. These apartments, these furnishings styles, the Italians' penchant for playing big golden Monarchie, crazy!

L’ adieu á la nuit Please, can someone make a film about Muslims in Europe and show, that the Islam is not violent “by nature”? Excuse me, I myself will listen like a preacher because I cannot believe that the mechanisms of the situation is not better represented. The movie: Heaven will wait https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PgFiZwQdQM shows more sensitive and deep, how the brainwash of young, not self-assured people works.

André Téchiné gives answers? On his point of view, the new law for better police surveillance has led to the seizure of the three potential extremists. In my opinion: Telecommunication surveillance only with order because of the well-founded suspicion of international threat, does not simply interfere with civil rights for no reason and is monitored on a massive scale.

Why fight only the symptoms instead of the reasons? The film is unfortunately very short-sighted and only remains on the surface.

Synonymes A strangely funny-grotesque movie. I don’t know..?? How can you get rid of yourself: your past? Why would you take that off like a coat? That's impossible in life, but a change of location maybe helps. How knows? Somehow you have to deal with your experiences as well as you can. Looking back, looking ahead, doing things differently. And it will always get better with friends, new or old. Absurde situation, the integration curse. I recognized: i do not like the french Nationale Hymnen, neither the german one or another. This power pose, urgh. There is no "better" nationality. There is also no "better" religion. Also in France the integration courses are as almost stupid and humiliating as in Germany and I don't like how the national arrogance towards the "newcomers" is radiated. That was very self-ironic and reflective presented. In that situation I want to inline a statement into the members of the course: Equal rights without egalitarianism! A personal request: Please, respect the individual human being beyond national belonging. Equal rights for all people, equal opportunities for all sexes of all origins. People are, for me, never “only” a nationality. It sounds almost strange to write that because it's so logical, but lately I have to emphasize that somehow. Nationality, double Nationality, french german, french italian, french israeli or german turkish AND also a Man or Woman, a Child, a Lover, a Dancer, a Security Worker, a Photographer, a Book Lover, a most dodified scrambled egg chef AND/OR a Spaghetti Lover AND jewish or muslim or catholic or non believing (scientifically possible: the big bang came out of nowhere): a complex human identity, with a past of a present and a future, with many layers. Are you able to see this? Or are you focusing your light just on only one layer? And the others are left dark? In my eyes - this could be represented more and in other and different aspects in that movie. The possibilities of understanding in this film are very wide fields. The visual language, I was not convinced. (I smelled old teeth all the time, hopefully not mine? No. Mine must have smelled like cherries.)

Der Boden unter den Füßen Zerfiel, vor dem falschen Kino, in einzelne Buchstaben und alles über den Füßen müsste sich als Zeitungsvogel hinter einem Blätterbündel wieder zusammensetzen.

Kiz Kardesler Dialogpreis, mein persönlicher, geht nach Anatolien. In Liebe mit Szenenbild und Kamera. Wundervolles Casting. End of the Day - The possibilities of understanding are all in those movies and yourself.

#berlinale #filmfestival #upgradeyourmind #proquotefilm #system crasher #filmmaker #La paranze dei bambini #kiz kardesler

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