#but god. it's so fucking good and cathartic for me i am insane over it

[yardsards]

transgender dysphoria blues is one of those albums where halfway through you slowly lose the ability to sing along to it and just start bellowing wordlessly because even screaming along to the lyrics can't get all the feelings the music is giving you out of your system

[trashsketch]

tropes game

tagged by @hxhhasmysoul thank you!!! I saw this making the rounds on twitter and i'm excited to do it here too

How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 -> don’t care either way

10 ->  very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged

__________

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional… There are no points, you’re not marked on this, don’t worry :3

Add tropes that you think I missed XD

Tag others if you’re nosy like I am :D

Have fun!

__________

Trope List

age gap   -2/10 

ultimately to me it only depends on the ship dynamic itself? I enjoyed the ship in Canis: Dear Hatter, but it's not because of the age gap. I also will get kinda dissuaded if one of them isnt an adult but the other is when they first meet

codependency   9/10

oh boy me and my gf for real. we met through killugon and codependency really is killugon. It can be extremely cathartic to see it in fiction to me

enemies to lovers   8/10

it really depends on who handles it. i dont like how reylo does it, but man, This Is How You Lose the Time War is like a masterclass in how to do it. I rate it more favourably cause I think I enjoy the slight forbidden aspect to it? And I can immediately think of more stories that do this well (in the sense that, "enemies" are more like two rival factions and both sides are like equally grey, and your rival just so happens to be your equal, you hold no grudge besides what your faction has told you to believe)

enemies with benefits   10/10

now THIS has a nice flavour. I love it when it fulfills that meme "you wanna fuck me so bad you look stupid". Bonus points if the benefits begin when A is injured and goes to B's place for shelter (it was great watching this happening in zoolander)

fake dating/relationship   9/10

I've been won over by my friends, i love the awkwardness that comes with fake dating for meeting a mutual need that is essentially kinda stupid (like impressing grandma or to spite your ex)

found family   9/10

it's hxh in a nutshell

friends to lovers   10/10

GOD help me i love this a lot. it's my fave fic trope and it was literally my life experience

friends with benefits   10/10

my god. top tier. I love it so much it's good good mess

hurt/comfort   10/10

the comfort comforts better after the hurt has hurted real good :)

love triangle   5/10

I would love to see different ways of it being handled than anything from old and tired cishet dramas, so any queer spin on it kinda makes me go insane. Also bonus points if everyone can talk through it as sanely as they can while still feeling like their world is crumbling. It can be such good angst. Bonus bonus points if they can all agree on some level of poly

mistaken/hidden identity   10/10

very delicious in like, spy or superhero stories (and also what brought me on board with miraculous ladybug to begin with)

monster fu… relationship   10/10

I feel like most of us monster relationship enjoyers had an awakening after watching a Guillermo del Toro movie. For me it was the Shape of Water, and afterwards a wlw beauty and the beast drawing i did that really won me over. I have a monster AU thingy over on my danganronpa account that I love to bits.

obsession, possessiveness, etc   7/10

can be handled so well or SO BADLY. it helps when any act of possessiveness isn't too serious but is also laced with the real angst, the good shit, the flavour of insecurity. it helps even more if the couple knows how to communicate through this rather than lashing out at each other with passive aggressive arguments, which I hate to see :)

opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc)    10/10

LITERALLY KILLUGON. literally all of our preteen angel/devil OC obsession coming back as a popular trope. what's not to love about opposites being together and balancing each other out!

poly   10/10

So a poly ship took over my brain for a good 2 years. I'm in the middle of writing a fic about how three people get together, and even researching by picking up The Ethical Slut (which btw is a great read on how to have healthy relationships in general too, it has so much good advice)

pregnancy   -9/10

It's a personal choice, only because i'm scared of conceiving so i really prefer not to see it in fic. Giving it a -9 cause I do have exceptions in fic (being whether it was recommended to me or whether it's from authors whose work I enjoy)

second chance   5/10

Again it’s really down to the characters and how it’s handled. I enjoyed it in some fics I’ve read long ago, but I won’t go out of my way to find it

sex to feelings   10/10

the one thing i love about friends with benefits is exactly this. the potential for MESS

slowburn   9/10

It can be so so good. A kagehina fic once destroyed me with how slow the burn was but it was so neat to see it growing slowly but surely. I think it can only work if you and the author agree on the eventual endgame ship

soulmates   7/10

it can be a bit tired, but I still personally like reading it! I like any soulmates au with a good spin on it though, like a potential fear behind not liking your destined partner or liking someone else who isnt your soulmate

thanks for letting me ramble LMAO

i’m gonna tag @xyliane @thehuntyhunties @icefeather112 @murderkitten666 @loudpartythumpingmusic (no pressure though!)

[one-winged-dreams]

ALL EVEN NUMBERS FOR AZUL GOOOOO

@sosoftandsweet

GAHHHHH I'M ABOUT TO GO HAM ON THIS LMAO

Was your FO immediately receptive of your advances, or visa versa, or was that something that came with time?

Azul was ambivalent based on his judge of Sol's character. He was damaged goods, so was he even worth interacting with? Should he try to kill him? But he's also fucking insane, and that's kinda fun. Guess I'll just let him hang around if he wants, idfk... And then proceeded to get attached to the point of RAGING jealousy if anyone else fucked with Sol. HE'S the only one allowed to fuck with him dontchaknow. Now he's just super fun to watch and be around, and he's just so damn CUTE, AUUUGH.

No couple is going to agree 100% of the time. What is the main source of any disagreement between you? Is it the same topic for all parties, or do you have different sticking points? Has this ever caused a row?

Sol would never in a million years disagree with Azul, but the shards of rage do flare up from time to time and he's just like "FightmefightmefightmefightMEFIGHTME." but like... In a weird affectionate sort of way? While still being angry? Like, I'M SO ANGRY YOU AREN'T KNOCKING ME TO THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW. And Azul isn't ALWAYS receptive, so Sol would aggressively follow him around, fuming and bonking his head against him askjgh. And either Azul would end up finding it cute, or he'd get angry too and be like "FINE, LET'S GO THROW DOWN, GOD."

Your FO is having an awful day and wants to throw it all in and just give up. It is your job to bring them around and help them believe in themselves again. How do you do it?

Azul absolutely does not give up on anything ever, but he does get moody. Especially back when the Restrictors were a thing. Sol proceeds to make a nuisance of himself asking Azul if there's ANYYYTHING he can do. Anything at all. Please ask me to do something for you. If Azul is feeling up to it, they request either a sparring session or a mission together. Nothing more cathartic than beating people up, even if it's each other.

Last time we asked how quickly your FO came to trust you. This time we want to know: How quickly did you come to trust your FO? Was it an instant thing, or did they have to really work to get through your barriers so you could open yourself up to them completely?

I still am mulling over the timelines, but I want to say Sol "joined" Deepground before Azul, he was just kind of on standby. He was absolutely considered one of the colored Tsviets, the Restrictors just didn't like using him because he was so broken. When Azul came along and he got to interact with him for the first time, the Restrictors kind of had them go at each other for funzies, let's test out the new beast on the scrap project zero suit style. And then Azul ABSOLUTELY managed to bust his lights out. He was quite the scrappy boy, though (no pun intended), and shifted into one of his rage shards, launched himself at Azul, and got knocked back down again. And then got up again. And he got knocked down. And he got up again. Now that song is gonna be stuck in my head. Anyway, he was burning so much mako on top of the mako that was building that he evened out and just collapsed, got laughed at, by Azul, and shard shifted again, but this time with heart eyes. And he was obsessed with him from then on out.

Do you or your FO have any skeletons in the closet? Have they been revealed yet, and if so, what was the reaction of the person learning about the unexpected past events? If not, do you think they will ever be revealed?

They are both literal killing machines made by morally reprehensible experiments. I think the transparency is there based on -gestures vaguely- everything. However, if they were to find each other's files, I think it would go like this.

Sol would obsessively pore over every detail, the fact that Azul was kidnapped by Shinra, killed his kidnappers, and then decided "Wait, I want in on this action" and went BACK to Shinra to volunteer himself would drive him fucking nuts. And the fact that he killed all the other behemoth experiments (minus you lmao) would have his head spinning with adoration. Like, wow, Azul is so strong, only someone so strong could do what he did, I love him I love him I love him I lo-

Azul would find it HILARIOUS that Sol had volunteered himself to a project without knowing the finer details of it. The fact that he basically got trapped into brutal experimentation, the reports of his gradual descent until the sudden absolute sundering of his mind turning him into an aberrant lunatic that killed the ones that had done it to him, and the decision to totally scrap him by handing him off to Deepground because he was too much trouble and not nearly useful enough? What a guy, just an absolute riot. It would probably make him TWICE as fond of him.

[keroa]

hey keroa i'm about to talk to you like. a fucking church confessional and i'm so sorry for that. but. the canon vs fanon post you reblogged last night struck some type of chord w/ me. anyway, so, i'm pretty sure back in 2015 i was one of the first people to selfship w/ sans undertale, at least from what i can remember, and watching the bastardization of a character i loved very sincerely (b/c i resonated with his depression and lack of control over his life) in real time was way more emotionally devastating than it should have been. he was a huge comfort to me for several months, only to make me genuinely very upset now because the lack of control i felt was reinforced by how people took agency and traits away from him to fit a very generic tortured-but-funny sexy man mold. i often wonder why people even like sans in the first place when their idea of him is so far removed from the source material it's sorta jarring, don't get me started with the onceler-esk selfcest and AUs (not to shit on anyone's hard work or ideas ofc, people should create what brings them joy, it just went into that territory and remains there to this day). i mentioned self shipping in the beginning because i received a metric fuckton of mixed reviews from it and it accidentally incited shipping drama and discussion about the ethics of self shipping vs. shipping sans with frisk (or versions of frisk) since "technically" frisk is the player but not actually because frisk is a child who the player controls. i don't fucking know. it made me leave the fandom for good, though. people are insane. i am insane for telling you this but god it was. cathartic to see someone who i like and respect acknowledge that my comfort character was gutted by the fandom. so thank you for that. i hope you're having a nice day, sorry again.

oh no yeah i totally get it. I literally cant even like undertale anymore because of the fandom, i actively block anything related to it at this point because of how far removed the characters became from the original source material, when the original was literally so good.

And i feel the pain in a way because when i was really into Claptrap it was very upsetting to have the entire borderlands fandom just focus on how much they hate him and how annoying he is and how much they want him to die and made it really hard to be a part of it at all.

[goldensunset]

> name your favorites

there is literally nothing id rather do more i fucking love vocaloid and kikuo is basically number one i put my kikuo playlist on repeat all the time. im a lil fucked up and its cathartic what of it <3 (joke)

(also i am actually studying japanese - i got into vocaloid because of that actually lol - so i instinctively use the japanese names sorry djfjsjf i promise im not trying to be pretentious thats just how i have them saved in my brain)

anyway number one is im a basic bitch with gifted kid burnout and impostor syndrome. i have never related to a song more than i do aishite aishite aishite

number two is probably fukai mori. i just Really Like the ethereal and mystical sound of that one

number three is a straight tie between the two longest ones <3

kara kara kara no kara my beloved eight minute experimental monstrosity you will always be. well duke i guess since aishite and fukai mori have you beat. whatever

and my beloved absolute-mindblowing-experience-with-stereo-headphones anagura-gurashi... ochite ochite ochite youkou yo...... ikenai ikenai samishii samishiiiiiii......... seriously i love how with headphones the two voices come from different ears and the music sounds like its coming from behind you... dont fall in the holeeeee

i have a particular soft spot for kimi ga shinde mo yurushite ageru because of how soft and genuine it sounds. i also like how it can be interpreted several different ways but lbr thats just the joy of kikuo in general lmfao

O LIGHT. o light makes me actively insane. the fucking accordion break amidst a near operatic, desperate song is SOOO fucking good

uhhhhhhhhhhh. clicks over to my playlist. mono wo parapara kowase is a classic. shikabane no odori also.

gomen ne gomen ne is also a Very good song but uh. dear god above. whoof. that one is Rough even by kikuo standards. theres a reason its infamous

i also like yoru no uta its one of the boppier ones while still having kikuos vaguely depressing, mysterious lyrics

i already mentioned i really love mitsukannai but i also adore ii ko to youko lol. the scream at the end is so good

and uhhhhh. his latest one according to his yt at least lol. sono manma. i cant. remember the full title. is also really good

those are the ones i have on my playlist at least i definitely need to listen to more but he makes such good music and has so many songs its a bit overwhelming lol

oh god i talked more abt kikuo than i did majoras mask. jfgjdjf i like music a little bit <3

WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT KAERU NO ODORI. that one makes me insane the continously increasing tempo and percussion combined with the increasing repetitiveness of the lyrics. its soooo good its so good. eieeeen ni eien nii......

SHAKING UR HAND!!! i am also. well all i’m going to say is that kikuo music sounds normal to me and then i take a step back and realize that like oh man this says something about me right. if someone else knew they’d be like man what is going on with you inside your brain. but it IS cathartic. and sometimes i just want something insane to describe a very specific type of nameless emotion

also i like. tbh i alternate between english and japanese titles when referring to these songs LOL. like some are japanese to me and some are english to me simply. but i’m the reverse actually i’m casually studying japanese because of vocaloid! like i don’t watch anime or want to live in japan i just want to daydream about properly translating these lyrics

first i’m gonna respond to the ones you already mentioned <3

nothing wrong with being basic aishite aishite aishite is also my top favorite and the reason i got into kikuo etc etc!!!!. sometimes popular things are popular for good reason!!! i absolutely love the feeling of desperation and insanity in that one y’know? dear people who have co-opted it into a yandere song listen i’m glad you’re having fun but you’re so missing the point there it is about being parented poorly. in any case it’s a banger tho!!

i LOOOOVE kara kara kara no kara fun fact that was one of the first ones i listened to back when first getting into kikuo/vocaloid in general and my initial impression was like ‘ack what is this’ and like it got so intense and fast it like spiked my heart rate which made me uncomfortable. then i revisited it the following year after having had my metaphorical frog boiled and was like ok actually this isn’t that weird at all it’s a wacky banger. again with the like. songs that cover a type of emotion you can’t describe. when kara kara kara no kara hits nothing else does

anagura-gurashi WAOH so fun with the steel drums and the garbled vocals from miku at that one long high note and the just general dark and drowning type vibes… i discovered apparently relatively recently there was like an animation meme going around set to a cover of this song and now i’m like oooh i wanna get in on that… also yasss the panning back and forth and multiple voices. multiple kikuo songs do it and it’s sooo fun

kimi ga shinde mo yurushite ageru yo IS a pleasant sounding one. i may not understand what’s going on there and knowing kikuo it’s surely dark but like. lot of these songs have the vibes of like ‘yes there’s something wretched going on here probably but let’s have fun with it let’s make peace with it’. soshite kimi wa tsuki ni natta is similar in that vibe. dark yet whimsical about it… that’s the secret sauce kikuo tends to deliver. even better when it’s catchy

the vocals on hikari yo are i n c r e d i b l e are we talking about the hanatan version here? i’m like the number one kikuohana fan in the world you don’t understand. for this song in particular like wow the way she just sounds like she’s desperately screaming everything out like begging for help trying to get out of an endless nightmare… how do i get a voice like that dude!!!! love the way the song starts with like a single beat of pause and then instantly goes 🎵AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH🎶 also no kidding!!! when the accordion comes out you know you’re about to hear one of the greatest tracks ever produced. who else uses it like this guy man

mono wo parapara kowase!!! littlejayneycakes’ english cover is not bad actually. what an interesting concept…. being obsessed with destroying the things people love just to mess with them because you have a fixation on like spiritually destroying them, but then they love you, so now you fall under that category, and this destroy yourself… song’s a fun chaotic one too

shikabane no odori is dear to my heart bc like a few years ago before i was even into the vocaloid scene an artist/editor i followed would make video edits of a certain game i liked set to whatever music they liked and they were into kikuo so i first heard a lot of songs from them so i associate them with those awesome edits. honestly that same artist has gotten me into so much lol

gomenne gomenne is like the one thing i’m not brave enough to give a second chance lol. there’s dark and weird stuff and then there’s That. i know i’m stronger now than i was when i first heard it/read the lyrics but like It Was That Bad.™️ its entire own level for my own sanity i closed the vid after i was like halfway through

yoru no uta is fun (depressing undoubtedly) when i’m listening but it isn’t as fun to sing along with bc of how repetitive it is. yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru yoru… the new vid is fun though

i already said but ya those are some of my favorite kikuomiku7s! plus fukai mori no naka de for the reasons mentioned. and yesss absolutely on the fun yell at the end

as it is, as it is, without change (don’t remember the japanese title either lol) i think i’ve only listened to once or twice so i’m not sure

kaeru no odori is such a fun lil silly one hehe

ok so for my favorites (bc this post isn’t long enough right):

1. aishite aishite aishite (already talked about)

2. urami no warutsu. SUCH a banger honestly. like malicious fun ghost revenge plus fairy tale waltz vibes and so incredibly catchyyyy… tooi tooi yoru no hate de…. urami tsuzukeyo aishita hito yo…

3. desert theater. i NEED more people to hear this one it is just stunningly beautiful if i am being so honest. hanatan is PEAK here. the lyrics are like typical kikuo but the background music is unlike anything else he’s ever done and i need more. and the fun time signature…

ok those are the ones i solidly have a ranking for but my next batch of top faves that i didn’t already mention:

• akazukin no ookami- this one is so much edgy funnnnnnn good old i want to be evil hee hee. a very straightforward one conceptually (you are the wolf tricking little red ridinghood)

•ufo- for reasons mentioned it’s so shockingly different from everything else. both genuinely beautiful and relatively low energy and somber compared to the rest of kikuo’s discography. sounds so wistful and homesick and yet whimsical as you’re being whisked away into space… the part where the tempo rapidly speeds up and then slows way down before returning to a steady pace is my favorite. lot of incredible accordion solos in this one

•butaisei nanika/histrionic- oh how badly i need a good english cover of this one there are so many characters and ocs i’d love to work with this song to… another somber banger. yeah man let’s put on masks and play pretend through our sorrows. featuring more incredible accordion and more steel drum like in anagura-gurashi!!!

•nobore! susume! takai tou! - this is the kind of song i’d love to sing with a huge group of people where we like each take turns singing each verse as a solo and then on that recurring refrain we all sing or something

•midwinter’s daughter- too lazy and tired to translate this one into japanese but i just love the like kind of cold yet bright feeling it gives off. another slow melancholy one plus it’s a duet

•i am amazed how underrated lie lie lie is tbh. also the way not even hanatan can sing all that at full speed without needing to desperately gasp in the middle of the chorus there

•wolf boy can be fun

•aisare hibiware kagami no uta is a REALLY fun one especially with the two octave slide up at the end??? when i successfully sing that and hit that note it’s such a good feeling. like this is the kind of thing i’m talking about when i say kikuohana needs more attention

•fukouya no musume is a fun one for like halloween or something. or maybe it was just one of the first spooky ones i heard. the first few seconds sound like a horror movie then it hard cuts to something kinda swanky then hard cuts to silence underneath the vocals aside from like hard piano hits. idk how to explain it but the chorus does this interesting thing where like the melody itself is just jumping between the same two or three notes in rhythm but the backing music changing underneath is what gives the music its rich color

•moon demon is a more recent addition to my playlist i love a good song that kind of sounds like you’re torturing a machine but also slow jamming but evilly

•sea is has some really nice background music to it (it’s not much of a lyrical one) (also yes the title is ‘sea is’) there’s a youtube channel i like that creates instrumental piano covers of lots of voca songs and esp kikuo songs and they have a really lovely one for this one. i may be insane but also gentle piano my beloved. check out bosshogg

ok these are all the ones i’m going to mention JFHXBDJDNDJND i have a lot but a lot are just kind of background noise to me. thank you for rambling about music w me

[0thsense]

9/30/2023

When I'm feeling down, I am vigilant to find fault in others, because it makes me feel like I have something over them. A stupid act of desperation.

The time limit is approaching. I am not doing well. What does it mean to give up? I want to run myself to death.

Could I survive losing all of my family and friends? Should I prepare myself for it? It'll slowly happen at this pace. Was I wrong about things all those years ago? Maybe I should quicken the pace.

I can't open up to anyone. Noone will understand, and everyone will think they understand. Hell, some people probably think they understand already without me saying anything. Maybe the easiest way to be happy is to presume you understand about unhappiness you've never felt.

I wanted to understand my emotions. It might be too late, because now all I ever feel is anger and frustration. Base, useless, devastating emotions.

Some girl I used to know followed me on Strava the other day. Simply because she connected her account and auto followed all of her contacts. And I held onto that for the whole day. Pathetic.

Do I feel good when I beat myself up like this? Honestly it's a little cathartic but I'm not sure if it's healthy. I spend so much time thinking about the past, it fills every undistracted moment of my life. Will it ever stop?

So dramatic for someone who has lived such an objectively easy life. I don't really believe that, more just unsure. But everyone else would surely mock me for thinking I have such insane struggles in my circumstances. So I can't open up. They'll think I'm even more pathetic than they already do. A good way to get some one time pity and then having them slowly drift off. A bad way to quicken the pace.

Maybe I just need to get better at slapping on a smile and enthusiasm, so that it doesn't take so much effort every time. Just get good at it so it doesn't take all my energy, so I don't dread it every time. Just... become an automatic liar. Perfect.

I'm not looking forward to going to Japan soon. I'm worried my shell will break over those 2 weeks. Maybe I'm even more worried that it won't. Maybe I will just be boring because I'm getting tired having to put on enthusiasm all the time. Perfect.

My legs hurt from running today. Good. I wonder if how I feel right now is accurate. If I look back on this post it will probably read pretty terribly. Have I made no progress? Perfect timing to be depressed again for the holiday season. Last time I showed up one time and they thought I was fine. Because I guess I'm good at faking enthusiasm. Fuck you.

If I think rationally about it, it's my fault. It's hard to tell when someone's depressed, and it's even harder when I've been putting on masks for my whole life. But I can't tell them either. Probably the worst cases of depression are the ones where they have noone to tell. Because they can't trust anybody to care enough. I'm doing fine everyone.

God and I hate it even more because I become so self absorbed. Making me lose one of the few things I prided myself on: empathy and thinking of others. And I kept that pride even though it became unjustified. It hurts.

Maybe I can try to think of others in this post. Harley decided she wants to move back home, because of RTO. I wonder how she feels about that. I wonder if I chose that just because it's semi relevant to me. My dad might also be kinda depressed, I'm kinda worried. Probably partly due to me.

God, I can't think of much when I try to remember caring about others recently. You don't just feel worse, you become worse. Please let me care for others again. I am an asshole. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself to help others. I find something in them to condemn and justify this. Nobody helped Jerry, and everyone sure loves beating down on him.

Endroll was a nice game.

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

Okay, now that we've all had our fun, it's time for me to do some trauma dumping (for values of “trauma” that mostly mean “fandom bullshit” and “my dumb feelings or whatever”).  If you love The Goncharov Thing and you don't want to hear anyone bitching about The Goncharov Thing, then godspeed and god bless, this is your exit ramp.

So I hate it, I hate it a lot, and I recognize and accept a thing that when I was younger I wouldn't have been able to recognize or accept, which is that my feelings of anger, resentment, and shame are completely my affair and mine to deal with – or to rephrase, I 100% know that nobody is doing anything wrong or unfair to me, please do not interpret anything I say as a criticism of the fun anyone else is having, I am literally just Journaling For My Wellness, and because maybe other people feel similarly and would find this cathartic to read, idk.

I always feel incredibly awkward being like, Hey Guys Guess What I Was Sad As A Kid!  Because I will probably never be over the feeling that as a person who grew up with two attentive and loving parents in an environment of reasonable financial stability (like, we were occasionally Broke As Shit, but there was always food and secure housing), I had absolutely not earned the right to be sad.  Unfortunately, my Disorder did not get this memo in a timely manner, and I was a weird, fragile, melancholy child who had trouble relating to other humans and only felt truly comfortable while reading books or watching movies, because those things – particularly but not exclusively in the fantasy genre – flipped a switch in my brain that made my regular (Weird, bad, unpleasant) emotions disappear, replaced by the emotions I was absorbing through the story (adventure! enchantment! the power of friendship!)  This was, for obvious reasons, insanely addictive.

Maybe ironically, I actually got a lot better and happier as a teenager.  I mean, I had the Angst or whatever, but at that point in my life I also managed to start getting slightly cool?  My parents made me take acting classes, which they thought would be good for me, and lo and behold, it actually was.  I started being able to talk to people, it turns out that being the weird kid who knows Vampire Facts and has read every fantasy novel ever written is kind of an asset once you manage to locate the Weird Kid D&D Clique, and eventually I was kind of like – legitimately cool, because the early 90s were actually a very dope time to be a Mysteriously Sad Goth Chick who could discourse at nearly unbearable length about Alan Moore.  It was quite a specific swag, but I kind of had it nailed.

But the thing is that I was always very aware that I was fun and interesting because I had learned how to Discourse correctly, with the socially acceptable level of Moderate Goth Enthusiasm.  Regular readers here at the ol' blog will probably note that I tend to alternate being Heartbreakingly Earnest with a certain level of ironic detachment and backhanded apologies for being earnest, and this is because I am still fundamentally a Heartbreakingly Earnest person who cares so, so, so much about dumb fantasy stories but in my experience people actually hate being confronted with that and are either extremely patronizing or irrationally angry when I fuck up and talk about things just a little too much like I give a shit about them.  And I'm still really scared of getting those reactions, because it makes me feel Sad and Insecure and Small, like I remember feeling all the time when I was eight years old.

And fandom.  When I discovered online fandom in my early 20s, it provided such an outlet for me.  It felt like in that space, it was normal and not objectionable to take things just deadly, deadly seriously, to immerse yourself in the exact things I'd always felt pressured to know a lot about (to pass the tests, you know) but feel very little about, when in fact I've rarely felt Very Little about anything in my entire life.  I experienced fandom for a long time as a place where I could actually engage with media the way I did as a kid – where I could really connect with it and absorb the emotional rush from it and deep-dive into what it was saying to me and what I wanted to say back.  I cared so much about Due South and The X-Files and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I cared so much and nobody told me to stop.  I wrote whatever I wanted, and nobody told me to stop.  It didn't feel embarrassing or Too Much.  The fanfic and the meta I was producing during those years was about my bisexuality and my love triangles and my breakups and my gender, and it was also about Themes and Motifs and the fucking – power of friendship or whatever.  It was about stories that I really, really loved, even when I also (looking at you, Stargate Atlantis) got so angry about how lazy and stupid they could sometimes be with their own set-up and premise.  And I never felt weird about being more or less my actual self in fandom spaces – funny but also sad, romantic but also critical and nitpicky, sometimes kind of a lot and definitely not to everybody's taste, but just like.  A real person that people could get to know and frequently like.

I left fandom for a long time, starting in about 2007, and I did that because it felt like the space was changing.  Livejournal was on the downswing and Tumblr was coming up; I was in my early 30s and everyone else was starting to feel like a 17-year-old Harry Potter fan.  But the real reason is that there was this – I don't know, this cultural shift it felt like, where you had to act cool in fandom.  Fandom!  The literal place where you had always been allowed to go and be deeply uncool!  But now people were starting to enjoy consuming the fanworks, the art and the fiction and the vids, while also acting like they didn't...care much.  About the things I thought we were all coming together to care about.  In place of people who would track down bootlegs of some art film that the guy from that show you liked was in and make eight copies on VHS to mail to all their friends on the other side of the continent, you were getting fans who – had not watched the show at all.  Who didn't feel any desire to.  Or who had consumed the source material, but were totally comfortable just saying fuck canon, so suddenly the amount of weird shared fanon was exploding.  You had the rise of the “fandom is my fandom” people, who were in it for the social elements and the kind of fanfiction trope/voice/aesthetic – you know, the one where now you can read a pro novel and know instantly whether or not the author cut their teeth in fandom.  You started having people say things to you like it's not that deep and your book report is sucking all the fun out of fandom.

It's kind of hard to articulate how shitty all this felt to me at the time.  It made me feel deeply ashamed of thinking too much and trying too hard and caring instead of having fun – “having fun,” because being allowed to be obsessive and intense and weird and kind of needy was fun for me, it was how I had fun, and it really hit some primal soft spot in me to have to start thinking of myself as the Weird Sad Awkward No-Fun One.  It made me feel like when I was a kid and I hated talking to anyone because I never seemed to say what they expected or wanted me to say and I didn't know what they expected or wanted me to say and every interaction was a test I failed.  I didn't want to write anymore, I didn't feel like I knew what to say even to people who had been fandom friends for years.  I remember vividly the first time I knew that my time was kind of up, it was in a conversation with a popular SGA writer, someone who I'd always thought of as a friend and really looked up to.  And I don't remember if I was doing some beta reading for her, or if we were just talking in general about the show, but I kind of picked her up on some point of characterization, like I don't think this is how Sheppard would react to that or whatever, and she said, “Well, the character work is so sloppy and inconsistent on this show, I don't really worry about it too much.  I think of them as more like Pilot Doll and Science Doll, and I can do whatever I want in terms of characterization.”  Which, like – absolutely that is anyone's right as a writer, and she was producing really excellent fiction! But it kind of broke my heart, because I suddenly felt...I don't know, like an idiot?  Like, oh, here I am, like a fucking idiot, poring over my DVDs of this stupid show, trying to make things fit together, trying to understand the characters, trying to draw out the usable pieces and turn them into something that's worth loving the way I wanted to love it, and nobody else is doing that.  Nobody else thinks that's anything but a waste of effort.  And I remember that was the minute I first thought, I don't know if I'll ever feel at home here again.  I didn't log off that exact day and never return, but pretty soon I did log off, more or less completely for ten years.

If you've noticed that none of this has a goddamn thing to do with Goncharov (1973), good eye.  It's not directly related, except that I have this context of intense insecurity around the way that fiction affects me, in that I get really caught up in it and emotionally transformed by it, which feels childish and vulnerable to me and has been a quality that other people have frequently treated as dorky and off-putting if I don't put in the effort to be like Yes I Enjoy TV A Normal Amount.  And it's actually a little bit of a pain point for me that even fandom now low-key acts like it's dorky and off-putting if you let your stupid fan hobby impact your life or your sense of self, and with the combination of those factors, Goncharov posting has really felt like – almost a flex.  Fandom does what fandom does, whether the source is good or bad, if you've seen it or just seen the gifs, if it even exists or not.  Is Goncharov a good movie?  When you saw it, did it move you, did it scare you, did it confuse you, could you not stop thinking about it for days?  Well, those aren't relevant questions, right?  They don't affect the fic, the art, the memes, the Discourse – all that just happens, regardless.  That's the joke.

I get it.  That's the joke.  It's a fake movie so people are responding to the fake experience of having seen it in a way that's indistinguishable from when, say, Good Omens or OFMD took over your dash for a few weeks there.  The source doesn't matter, because fandom is not for or about that Nerd Bullshit where you curate and you saturate and you have a real emotional response that changes who you are as a person.  It's all dress-up dolls now, acting out our favorite tropes on the trending tags, Content for the Content Gods.  The joke is, you're a sucker if any of it was ever real to you.

The Goncharov Thing makes me feel like the butt of the joke, and again, that's not on anybody who does enjoy it, I'm not suggesting that there's an Objective Reality here where Goncharov shitposting is literally bullying or whatever.  I put in all that embarassing personal shit because I wanted it to be clear that I know this is because of my personal shit, because of the specific history I have with this tension between being Sad and being Fun, with feeling incredibly vulnerable around feeling the actual enormous feelings that have always been my lot in life, while my brain is telling me to keep that shit to myself.  Nobody is Goncharov posting in order to call me stupid, but it does make me feel stupid anyway, and it reminds me that I'll never feel like fandom is My Home in an uncomplicated way again, like it's a space that welcomes and rewards my authenticity.  And that's fine, things change and nobody is owed a social space that caters specifically to their needs; I think it's healthier to focus on the fact that I did have that once, and not everybody does.  I will never be ungrateful for the way that being in fandom helped me navigate my 20s, and I am still over here Just Vibing in my very dorky way, simmering gently in my obsession with a very weird tv show about a guy who loves a book in an embarrassing, irrational way that is, after all, a little bit endearing.  I'm not ungrateful to have made it back here, either.

[fillinforlater]

Enough negativity! Tell me five of your favorite fanfics posted this year that aren’t yours and why you like them!

2021: Smite’s Appreciative Recap

When I think back to what I have read this year, I can find many, many different fics by different writers that fascinated, encouraged or enchanted me. Picking only 5 is hard, but I think these are my favorites:

@worldsover: Upper Flower Lower

This masterpiece by the legendary Levi is the biggest reason I am a writer now. I have never been so blown away by a smut-story before. The descriptive writing is immaculate, the kinky positions hit my taste just right, and the characters he is able to build in the mean time are just incredible. They have depth, they have ideas, they have wishes... hell they even have weaknesses and feel eerily relatable.

Levi, I will not stop mentioning you. You are the GOAT for me and if you read this: Have a great 2022 and stay absolutely amazing. Thank you <3

@usedpidemo: Last Resort

While writing this, I found myself re-reading it. This untouchable, absolute piece of art scares the everliving shit out of me. I feel each of those short sentences. They pierce right through me. My stomach turns every time, OC hates himself, hates Minju, hates God. And dammit, I can cry the saltiest tears when I see an alternative version of myself, standing at that cliff and doing the exact same thing.

And when this rushed ending hits, I feel cathartic, because I now realize again that it is good that I'm still alive. Pi, your choice of words, your sentence structure, and your reader-characterization in this one are pure perfection, absolutely astonishing. I see incredible talent and unlimited potential in you.

You might one day write the greatest fic I have ever read. Or you already did, with this one. Thank you <3

@ggidolsmuts: Aegyo Avoidance

I can't find a lot of words for this one. Why, you may ask? Because my brain literally melted during this. This is the greatest corruption story ever, and even though it is obvious, it still in insanely satisfying. The build up: Perfect. The tease before the breaking point: Perfect. The breaking point: Beyond Perfect. Ddeun, how in the world are you this bloody good?

There is also this sentence I can't get over it: "Please Unnie, I don't want to be Minju angel, I'll be Minju cumdump,..." It might be the greatest, most satisfying one I have ever read in kpop smut. Thank you, for this legendary Masterpiece <3

@existslikepristin: Movie Night

I love this story so much. ELP is one of the most talented writers in general, but he excels in two things in particular: Comedy and Character. The SinB in this one might be my favorite idol character ever. She is hilarious, cocky, impatient, playing dumb or being dumb and yet still a little timid. 

While OC and SinB tell each other stories (very funny, sexy stories) I felt like falling in love with this woman. And when they finally fuck for real, I was officially bias-wrecked for GFRIEND. Although Eunha is fighting pretty hard to get up there... (she is also in this ofc)

Movie Night makes me feel cozy, like I’m just listening to the funniest sex story by my best female friend that I even get to fuck. ELP, you fucking legend. Thank you <3

@iznsfw: Crybaby and @kaedewrites: Birthday

I know, I cheated. But IDC. For me, both of these absolute super rookies deserve to be on here and both of them dropped a very early, extremely shocking Chaewon fic. I did not want to decide...

IZ’s Crybaby still sticks with me, although he clearly is the king of writing Eunbi. Is there like a whole company behind you, putting them out faster than Sonic? Anyways, I loved the dark background story, Chaewons revenge, the crying-kink and how it backfires... and of course: the knife. 

Kaede’s Birthday literally included pegging. In his first fic. Ever. What a mad lad, I love him so much! This will always be connected with 2021, with the start of my and your writing, Kaede. I wish you nothing but the best and please, stay a little crazy and drop another Birthday like masterpiece (with Empty, you already did. Keep it coming.)

I thank both of you <3

Everyone, have a great new year! 2022 <3

(If you read all of this: Wow! You are also a fucking legend xoxo)

[ot3]

What's the core appeal of orv? I know the premise but why does it make you so hyped up?

OH BOY OH BOY....... i will try to be as concise as possible here but i could write without exaggeration thousands of words about why orv is good. But I guess here's the big stuff.

- Its funny, for starters. it is extremely funny, which is very high up on my media priority list. in orv, there will be incredibly grim things that make you laugh, and incredibly cringe and silly anime bullshit that will hurt you as heavily as any other media you’ve seen. 

- it executes it’s thematic arcs with pinpoint precision the likes of which i’ve hardly ever seen anything else manage to do. regardless of whether or not the themes themselves are the sort of themes you go bonkers for in media, it’s always just delightful to see something perfectly stick it’s landing in terms of the big concepts its trying to grapple with, and orv does

- it’s got fun and fascinating worldbuilding mechanics. the core concept being ‘reality now operates on the rules of a shitty novel’ means that the worldbuilding doesn’t have to function logically, it functions thematically. it’s explicitly stated in orv canon that some of the internal rules governing this new reality are objectively really stupid and illogical, but they just have to roll with it because that’s what was in the book, and i think it’s a really enjoyable way to do it. This may at first sound like a copout, where the writer is trying to excuse their own bad worldbuilding, but it isn’t. The world building is actually incredibly deeply thought out, but it doesn’t exist for the sake of rational function, it exists for the sake of, once again, furthering orv’s thematic arcs. the rules by which this universe operate do a magnificent job of strengthening the core concepts the authors are exploring. 

- it deals with morality in a really wonderful and nuanced way. there are almost no characters in orv’s extremely large cast of characters who are just explicitly morally condemnable, and almost every conflict allows you to understand exactly why the antagonists believe they’re in the right by opposing the actions of our protagonists. the central conflicts are never pure right and pure wrong; they’re always about contrasting goals, conflicting worldviews, and different priorities between ends and means. this makes the conflicts all feel so much more dynamic and engaging than those where the only stakes are physical harm. 

- the characters interpersonal relationships are some of the most interesting ive ever seen. orv is very slow burn and it takes a long time for a lot of these to come out of the woodwork, by design, but by god once they do they fucking hit. similar to the plot conflicts, the interpersonal conflicts also almost never occur where there’s one side clearly in the wrong. the characters are almost all genuinely attempting to do their best by each other, and the tension comes from the ways in which human communication is fundamentally imperfect and part of our feelings and intentions get lost in translation. it’s very heartwrenching and heartwarming to see unfold, in equal measure. 

- following from that, it’s a narrative that really meaningfully prioritizes non-romantic relationships over romantic ones as the central focus. obviously there’s shipbait and the ot3 is real and good and my friend but if you’re looking for deep complex platonic, (found or otherwise) familial, and antagonistic relationships that never get ruined with forced romantic arcs, we got em baby!

- the pacing is unlike anything i’ve ever seen before. from a purely technical standpoint, it is genuinely a fascinating case study in how to execute a narrative that is almost constantly escalating without exception. there is very little downtime or breathing room in orv, which is insane for something that clocks in at over a million words, and somehow, it still works. i’ve never felt more like a frog in a pot of slowly boiling water than i did when i was reading orv and i can’t believe they pulled it off. it’s so interesting to read something like that.

- it is a tragedy without resorting to cynicism and a very adult narrative that’s really steeped in childlike wonder. i’m a big fan of cartoons made for children cartoons made for children are my favorite things to watch because i like media that is uplifting and encouraging. but of course children’s media will always be simplified and not very relatable to an adult. orv is very much a serious and heavy adult narrative, and a deeply tragic one at that, but this is never tragedy for tragedy’s sake. it’s a very compassionate piece of media over all, that holds a lot of reverence and sympathy for the ‘naive’ optimism of children that gets stripped down over time. if you, like me, feel more like a grown up child than an adult someday, i think it’ll hit for you. 

- if you are a person who has ever gotten deeply involved in media to ignore bad things happening in the real world, which i know you are because you are reading my tumblr blog, then there is going to be a lot about orv which resonates for you. a lot of metanarrative has attempted to comment on the voyeuristic nature of media obsession and storytelling, but a lot of it does so in a bizarre way that almost seems to shame the audience for having the audacity to... enjoy the product the creators have produced for them. orv is what i can only describe as a love-letter to its own audience, and it’s really a manifesto about how engagement with media can foster genuine human intimacy, even if initially it’s something you’re using as a crutch to replace that intimacy. the closest thing to orv’s metanarrative i can think of would be undertale. if undertale made you Feel some Things, orv is gonna make you Feel some Things as well. 

- it is extremely cathartic and meaningful. i am not exaggerating at all when i say that reading it gave me the closest thing i have ever felt to any sort of spiritual breakthrough. it helped unfuck my head a ton during some very grim times and i think the perspective it offers on the value of human life is a really really good one

- its really funny i promise

- its cringe in a way that’s hype

- please read orv please not even for me do it for yourself i want you to experience what i experienced for YOUR sake not mine

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

9. “Do you believe in soul mates?”

This was it; they were calling it quits. They’d been on and off each other for God knows how long - and throughout it all, they’d driven not only themselves insane over the years with the turmoil of their relationship, but the people around them too. It wasn’t difficult to observe the looks George and Ringo would throw each after John would make an insinuating remark, and Paul would ricochet back with one, perhaps more subtle, but just as bitter. And things would naturally only escalate from there, though few would dare to stick around to hear the real arguments, the real nastiness. It wasn’t difficult either to notice the tiresome eye rolls after they’d make up and were plunged back into their honeymoon phase. Of course, they’d never really outwardly stated that they were partners - after all, Paul had Linda, and John had Yoko; and that’s not even to mention that they’d never truly been sure if they were really together. They knew they’d had sex, but they never knew if it was more then that.

But there was something different about their breakup this time, it didn’t involve shouting, or crying, or desperate pleas to the other not to leave them, that would prove only to be followed by insults and orders never to speak to them again. No, this time it was simple, it was cathartic. It was a weight off their stooping shoulders.

Paul was sat at his kitchen table, a cigarette in hand, looking out of the window-door into his garden. It was a rainy afternoon in springtime - some strange sort of solace came from this, there was something comforting about it; perhaps it served, in his own mind at least, as a reminder that he had a fresh beginning now.

John was making himself a cup of coffee, black, as per usual. He came over, placing himself in a seat opposite Pauls.

They maintained that silence for some time - it wasn’t resentful, nor was it awkward, only it simply acknowledged that there wasn’t so much to say.

“D’you remember that time we bunked school,” Paul said contemplatively, “and we took our guitars and our little song book to the park,” he smiled to himself, knowing what he’d say next, “and then a coupl’a minutes after we got there, it started absolutely pissing it down.”

John smiled at this too, “Think we lost half the Lennon/McCartney anthology that day. The early years at least.”

“Well, the early-early years, I guess. Probably weren’t very good anyway.”

“Probably not.” John said, stealing the packet of fags from the table and lighting himself a cigarette, then proceeding, “Why’d ye bring it up?”

“Dunno. Just a fond memory I suppose.” As Paul took another drag from his fag, John smirked, “Didn’t I kiss you that day?”

“Yeah…” Paul grinned further at the thought of that, “we went back to yours and Mimi was out, so we opened up a bottle of…well, something…and then you kissed me. Big deal that when yer 16 or 17 or so.”

“Hm.” John hummed in agreement. “D’you want a drink?”

Paul thought about it for a second (or perhaps he just pretended to think, as not to look like an alcoholic), then said, “Yeah, alright.” Getting up and walking over to his drinking cabinet, he asked, “What’re we drinkin’ then?”

“Whiskey – neat.” John quipped back quickly.

“Bit intense for a rainy afternoon, isn’t it?”

“Not driving, am I?” he retorted with some sarcasm.

“Suppose yer not, no. Alright then - why not?”

***

Paul was at that stage of tipsy where you feel just about drunk enough to the let words that a sober you would never admit to, fall from your drunken lips. He expressed without batting an eye to his former lover, “You know, I never wanted you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” John remarked in a simple response.

“You don’t like me much anymore though; yer always fighting me.”

“It’s only cause I love you – beneath it all, beneath all that malice, I love you. I love you,” the next words crept from his throat slowly, “and I fuckin’ hate me.”

Turning to him, Paul said in a strained voice, “I wish you liked yerself more. I mean, ive tried for years to make you like yerself more, but I just don’t know what to do with ye.”

John said nothing, just taking another sip of whiskey, and so Paul continued, “Did you ever like yerself?”

“Sometimes – sometimes im convinced ‘m the greatest-”

Paul interjected, “That yer bigger than Jesus.”

“Fuckin’ Americans…” he muttered back, gaining a small hum of a laugh from Paul. “But d’you know – ‘m only confused when I say those things. That hate – that self-loathing – it’s still there. It’s always there, but y’know, sometimes it hides.”

“Maybe we could’ve worked out, y’know, had ye not projected all that hate onto me.”

“Don’t act like yer blameless Paul, alright? Ye never would have had me. Not forever. Ye got yerself the wife and kids you always wanted, and what’ve I got?”

“You’ve got Yoko.” Paul suggested.

“Fuck off.” He whined back spitefully.

Defeated, Paul admitted, “Yer right – I can’t blame you completely; you are right about me wanting a family, and im sorry. Im really am; but I wanted more.”

With slight slurred speech, John groaned back, “Fuckin’ cheers.”

They went back to that consolatory silence for a few moments, until eventually Paul remarked, “D’you know, whatever happens to us in the future, y’know, whatever ill say to you someday - and I know ill say something horrible - I just want you to know that im glad that I met you,” he joked, “even though you’ve never given me a moments peace, I am still glad to have met you.”

With his usual stark, self-loathing, John responded, “Yer life would’ve been a lot easier if you’d never met me though.”

“Wouldn’t have been as interesting though. At least you’ve given me a coupl’a anecdotes to tell at parties-like.” John grinned softly at the little joke, but there was something melancholic in that smile; not offended or hurt, but inexplicably melancholic to some degree.

After another moment of quiet contemplation, Paul asked, “D’you believe in soul mates?”

“Don’t know what I believe in anymore, to tell ye the truth.”

Paul discarded this, and persisted, “Well I don’t know if I do – but I think, if they do exist, then…” he was reluctant to say the next line - it was just so American, so cliche. Still he continued, “I think you’re mine, y’know.”

“Not Linda?”

“Well, maybe Linda too - I don’t really know, can you have more than one soul mate?”

“Why don’t ye ring up George on this one, seems more like his area.” John quipped sarcastically.

“Nah, wanted to know what you thought.”

John stubbed out his cigarette, and declared, “I think – I need another drink.”

Paul chuckled softly at this, saying, “Yeah gowan then – pour me one too, will ye?”

“Alright.”

This wouldn’t be their last argument, in fact just a week or two later John would have enraged outburst at Paul again, and then they’d be back to where they started. But still, it was the end of something. Though something died with that earlier argument, something else was revitalised or rebirthed with this subsequent conversation. Somethings lost, but somethings gained.

*** @johns-diqi requested this one, took a screenshot of your ask though just cause id already answered it for no. 18 as well. Hope you enjoy! <3

[facelessfrey]

Roswell New Mexico Season 2, Episode 13

- I’m sure that wasn’t supposed to be comedy but I literally laughed through most of that and I’m still laughing at the last scene. I can’t. I just...I can’t. I mean what the fuck even was half of that?!?!?

- I mean that episode was WILD. I don’t even know where to begin. This is going to get long...you are forewarned. 

- Let’s start with the EXTREMELY RAPID conclusion of last week’s mortal peril. Yep....let’s just do some CPR...not even have to break out the alien defibrillator powers and oh look Max is just fine. I mean...thank god cause I could not go through a repeat of last season although...considering the last scene...that might be preferable. (I’m still laughing...like full on cracking up and my roommates probably think I’m nuts). Then we’ve got Liz dumping the contents of some top secret recipe giant ketchup bottles on the alien console and oh...yep....melted. Glad that crisis was averted. Then we have some random shots of people going to the hospital and oh look...everyone’s alive and fine except...Jesse Manes. I mean...don’t get me wrong...he’s a monster and I’m not sorry he’s dead by my god what a pitiful end to a character that should have been a really good villain but instead was a guy who limped around in the background most of the season until suddenly in one episode it turns out he had been putting together a dastardly plan to show the aliens as the monsters they are and then murder them....sure. Why not?!?! Well...I guess it’s nice that that barely three episode arc of Gregory Manes wanting to stand up for Alex got some closure. I just...it’s so dumb!!!!

- Oh wait...I forgot...not shocking cause it was literally two seconds, but hey...Helena randomly went back and saved Charlie and proceeded to yell at her for getting chained up and not leaving while she freed her. Cool. 

- Right...so that’s all wrapped up in the opening five minutes...let’s just move on...we’ve got a lot of other insane junk we have to throw into the next 35 minutes. Yep...still laughing. 

- Let’s just kick things off with Michael and Maria...and now I’m laughing again. I did ask the show to prove me wrong earlier today and well...I mean....they half did?!?!?!! Except it was literally insane so I don’t even know what to say. So...Maria’s just fine cause you know she was only half alien so that’s cool and great and then oh wait...she just happens to have a magic plot box dropped off by Mimi. Thanks Mimi...you still have no real purpose in this story except to occasionally move the plot forward but thanks for the box. But Michael doesn’t trust Mimi’s plot hints so he doesn’t want to open the box. Instead....he goes to hang with Alex and they destroy the shed together, which admittedly was a very nice scene and totally gave me Stendan in Dublin vibes and I quite liked it. 

- But it was also all so they could find a literal skeleton under the floorboards. Gotta get those callbacks in eh? Hahaha. And of course it’s Tripp! Who else would it be? And of course...he’s got the magical key so it turns out Mimi really is tuned into the plot and read ahead in the script and knew that box would be important! So back to Maria he goes after having this super cathartic scene with Alex that tied into their emotional past together. I mean...par for the course...and I was fully ready for the whiplash that was going to make me crazy and you know...I was not disappointed because they started out being all “hey I love you” and I was like “eye roll knew that was coming” but then! She just up and breaks up with him because that’s what you do after a mutual I love you that’s based on zero relationship development over the past twelve and a half episodes. And once again...I am laughing. 

- I mean...I’ll say this...I’m glad it was her that broke up with him and in part because she totally knows he’s in love with Alex and we have been saying that literally all season so like I’m glad she noticed. But I literally died when she was all “I’ve learned so much from this relationship”. What?! What did you learn? Did you get motivation in your script direction that we weren’t privy to because I still have literally no idea what either of you were supposed to be getting out of that relationship but hey...who cares cause it’s over now and Maria just decided that so it’s all fine. No heartbreak there. And you know...Michael seems totally cool with it. Barely even put up a fight. Hahahahaha. Again...I can’t. 

- So then we go back to Alex and Michael and Isobel who is all of a sudden team Malex this episode when previously she was inventing emojis for Michael’s Maria hearteyes so yeah...all of this is just really confusing. But hey! The box has Tripp’s journal in it and descriptions that make Michael squirm but also....Tripp and Nora’s love was...wait for....COSMIC! Hahaha. Oh this show. It’s drunk on it’s own absurdity. So anyway...we’re filled in on the rest of Tripp and Nora’s story...well...sort of. We know she tried ice cream and liked it and there was talk of the mystery bad man that wasn’t Noah but uh...more on that later. Haha. Well...I guess we know Harlan killed Tripp and we unfortunately saw Nora die so that’s a wrap on the 1947 flashbacks I guess?!?! Sure. 

- Oh god and the song...since we’re on Malex anyway. I mean...I liked the song and yeah....he got all the references in there. I never look away...cosmic...sure. And I knew once Forrest was there that kiss was going to happen but my god...are we really setting up season three where now Alex is the one in a random relationship and Michael is trying to be happy for him and we repeat season two’s nonsense?! Are we going to have another threesome just for funzies because you know...that was still LITERALLY the dumbest and most pointless plot point of the season. But anyway, I’m happy Alex felt comfortable enough to sing a song about a guy and kiss a guy in front of a crowded bar but there was literally NO REASON it could not have been Michael. He and Forrest literally had like four scenes together this season compared to Malex who had this whole emotional arc but no...gotta make it complicated. 

- Props to them for managing to have one last break up without actually even having a conversation this time. TALENT. LEGENDS ONLY. 

- I guess at least now that there’s just a minor character in the way and they probably can’t actually kiss again due to coronavirus restrictions, there’s probably some hope for Malex next season?!?! Maybe they’ll find a vaccine by the time there’s a Malex reunion. Maybe good things come to those who suffer. Hahaha.

- Right...let’s move on to Max and Liz. So uhh...Max spends the whole episode seeming like he was hopped up on drugs again or desperate for a fix. What is in that antidote?! Once again we gloss over the “darkness” in Max because like who needs real follow up to the first five episodes of the season. Not this show!

- The whole “Max destroys Liz’s lab” plot was nuts. Just the sheer speed of it from Diego magically appearing at the diner with the Generyx woman to Jenna’s super spy disguise to Max just blowing up the lab as Diego and co drive up and then they just exit stage left super fast except for the fact that Liz is still seemingly going to California but like...why? Did Generyx woman still agree to give her a grant based on her exploding lab?! Did she just feel bad that she didn’t have a lab anymore?! 

- Sidebar to Steph...fucking Steph...whose apparent entire purpose this season was to be sick enough to inspire Liz to do science and break up her and Max over it and then survive after Liz randomly finds time to give her some kind of half baked medicine from her lab BEFORE it exploded??!?! Or does she just carry that shit around with her? And for the love of god SOMEBODY SAVE KYLE from this EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING story!!!!!! Please don’t subject him to more of this next season. Let them break up during the pandemic and give Kyle a clean slate and allow him to reenter the narrative in a way that allows him actual screen time and scenes with the group. Sigh...at least he got to hug Liz and have a brief scene with Alex where Alex told him he was proof of redemption. Look at that character arc that was literally told in two scenes this season! Yeah...see they can be concise when they want to!

- Anyway...back to Max. OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT FINAL SCENE?!?!?!??! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA?!!? I don���t even know what I was expecting but it WAS NOT THAT! What even?!?! WHY AM I BEING SUBJECTED TO TWO MAXES?!?! ONE WAS ENOUGH...sometimes MORE THAN ENOUGH. This is just really mean and so was forcing me to look at that HIDEOUS beard! I just....I really can’t handle it. HAHAHA! What drugs were they on when they wrote this?! Also...NONE OF THIS ANSWERS ANY QUESTION AT ALL!!!!!!!!!

- Let’s see...what else...

- I’m glad Jenna and Charlie FINALLY had a scene together because when Jenna first said that Charlie had disappeared again, I got so mad because it was just inexplicably dumb. So I’m glad they got to see each other. 

- I’m glad Rosa is going back to rehab and that she both got to tell her mother that she loved her and tell her to stay the fuck away. 

- I’m just laughing at the fact that for like one episode Helena was suddenly the big bad or at least a main antagonist or at least some kind of main player for the season and then just as quickly was COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT and is probably just going to leave now?!??! WHY?!?!?!? 

- Can Isobel please get something legit to do next season that doesn’t just involve her going into people’s heads without asking and maybe involves her getting a love interest of her own? Please?! I mean...I’m glad she got learn about her mother this season but also I feel like she didn’t do much and I think she deserves more than that. 

- I guess I’m glad Maria is embracing her alien side and trying to be true to herself or whatever but also....she was literally just in this episode to “not be dead”, to give Michael a plot box and to break up with him so she’s no longer a shipping obstacle. And then we never saw her again the rest of the episode. I really sincerely hope they do more with her next season in a way that actually serves her as a character because this season did not do her many favors. I’m glad she finally knows about the aliens and they delved into her own alien identity but I hope she really gets to do something with that next season and not just exist to save everyone else at the end with no thanks for it. I mean literally no one was on screen visiting her except Michael just so she could give him a box and break up with him. Liz and Max were literally at the hospital. But no...Liz had to see irrelevant Steph so she could save her for some unknown reason. Sigh....Not even her cool aunt Isobel came to see her. 

- I don’t even know what else to say. I’m still laughing. I still feel like I know LITERALLY NOTHING about what was going on this season. I had hopes for this season at the end of season one but honestly I have zero hopes for season three because I’m sure it will be a clusterfuck but an even weirder clusterfuck than normal cause everyone will be standing eight feet apart. Maybe that will make them tell a tighter story and not try and shove 75 different plots into 13 episodes??? Probably not. I’m sure it’ll still be batshit crazy and make no sense at all. I’m gonna treat the show as a comedy from now on. 

- Well...it’s been fun all. Thanks to anyone who made it through this whole nonsense post. You deserve a prize. Maybe a plot box or a skeleton under a floorboard or a journal telling you your relatives’ love was cosmic too. 

[lokewolf-father]

So I Listened to the First Five Insane Clown Posse Albums...

And I really enjoyed myself! I tried this post already, but the Tumblr app is a piece of garbage and lost it somehow, so here goes again. To make a long story short, even though I didn't really enjoy the first two albums, Carnival of Carnage and The Ringmaster, I found a lot to enjoy about Insane Clown Posse, and can safely say I like them. Death metal guitar mixed with heavy bass, carnival sounds, and lyrics about necromantic clown sorcerers, killer toys, and cartoonish depictions of murder make their concept albums something that is both novel and undeniably cool when it isn't too crude or juvenile, which is more frequent than I would like.

I should probably state, especially considering I'm writing off the first two albums, that I am not the target audience for ICP. I do not consider myself a Juggalo in any definition of the word; I don't really listen to rap, and couldn't define hip-hop without looking it up. I do however enjoy horror movies and low-brow entertainment like comic books, and consider Marilyn Manson to be one of my personal heroes, so believe me when I say that I really do like aspects of the cavalcade of crazy that is the Insane Clown Posse.

Riddle Box is awesome, and I find myself wondering if this is the album where people feel like ICP came into their own. Part of their mythology is that if the Dark Carnival, where sinners are judged by a cavalcade of characters before being killed and sent to their souls ultimate destination. Several albums are designated as Joker's Cards, and depict characters and elements of the Carnival.

The intro is awesome, introducing the Riddle Box, which is a magic box that either gives the slain a vision of God, warming their souls and sending them to Heaven, or a demonic fog that drives them insane and sends them to Hell.

One of my favorite songs, "Chicken Huntin' (Slaughter House Mix)" is on this song, and demonstrates ICP's understanding of their audience. A song about killing dumb, ignorant hillbillies, I have to assume it's cathartic to people who left behind wacky rural families behind when they left home. "Toy Box" is about a guy with murderous toys that turn on him, and makes me laugh. It sounds hokey, and that's because it is, hokey and worth a listen. A lot of this is appealing to me because I don't listen to rap music, partly because I don't care for the subject matter.

I like rappers like Kanye West and Eminem because I can't identify with or enjoy a lot of the gangsta-macho stuff that mainstream rap can't seem to get away from. With ICP, their personas are over the top killer clowns, and that's awesome! Because they're so goofy and have been pretty much rejected from pop culture, their music appeals to social outcasts and others who are down on their luck, something that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J recognize.

That being said, before I move into the next album, I should probably mention "Ol' Evil Eye", ICP's own adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-tale Heart". Good shit, even if it makes the master turn over in his grave.

The Great Milenko is fantastic, and is a Joker's Card about an evil necromancer clown that tempts you into damning yourself. I'm told this is more of a hip-hop album, but as someone who isn't that familiar with this kind of music, I can't tell the difference. What I will say is there are more songs here that I like than on the previous three albums. The intro, which is read by none other than Alice Cooper, is excellent, as is the title track and "Hokus Pokus", both of which are sufficiently creepy and dark.

"Piggy Pie" is a song about murdering dickhead cops that uses a very, um, clever three little pigs motif. As a funny aside, this album was initially put out by Hollywood Records, and had to be approved by Disney, who forced them to change this song. The album was pulled from shelves anyway, making the whole exercise of censorship pointless anyway. It's just funny to think that Disney read associated with ICP at one point.

"Southwest Voodoo" is another effective song, featuring a black magic chant for chorus, which is to say nothing of "Halls of Illusion", which has Slash on guitar!

One of my other favorites off this album is the existential "How Many Times", which puts you in the mindset of the type of person ICP is talking to. Broke, down on your luck, arrested, your stereo stolen, it's hard to imagine things can ever really get better; in a world that rejects you and shows your no respect, why not remake yourself as a psychotic clown? As Manson says, "They'll never be good to you/bad to you/they'll never be anything at all". Any aging goth kid can understand where ICP is coming from here.

The Amazing Jeckel Brothers is the first album I listened to, and probably my favorite one. "Terrible" and "Bring it On" have the heavy sound that I love, and "Assassins" is just an awesome, badass song in general. If hip-hop is just another word for tough guy music, these songs definitely fit the bill. The bass lines make the songs positively rock in a way I didn't think was possible for ICP. "Everybody Rize" is a cool Juggalo anthem, as is "Fuck the World", calling out a culture and industry that rejects and hates them like a boss. If you're on the fence about these fuckers, this is another great album to start with, especially considering the touching final song, "Nothing's Left", which reflects on the broken nature of the world, and wonders if there can be any real salvation for anyone. Considering ICP are Christian and ultimately incorporated they're religion into their music, I know what their opinion on this is, but just begging the question gives the song a universal appeal that even an angry atheist like myself can identify with.

At the end of the day, I have to figure that getting to know the Insane Clown Posse was rewarding for me. I'm not a Juggalo, but I understand their world a lot better and get how they can be kind to others and have something special with their subculture. I plan to listen to more ICP and write about them, but I'd like to write about Juggalo culture first. If you're a Juggalo or have any thoughts, I want to hear from you! Have you met the Insane Clown Posse or been to their shows? Have you been to the gathering of the Juggalos? An I wrong about anything I wrote above?

[percywinchester27]

@caughtaghostsomehow​ I’m just going to put it all underneath the keep reading, picking things from all of those reblogs cause why not!

Part 27: 

I understand why Max trusts Sam so much... Even after he initially failed him, he still kept his promise later on and he's been keeping it since.

The scene when Sam finds Max in the cell... Oh man.. I was angry at first, just like Sam but then my heart broke for this little boy. Sam and him needed each other. I think they may be soulmates.. The universe destined them to help each other out.

Yep. The reason why Sam is just so insanely careful about Max is because he how what it feels like to almost lose him. And the prison scene changed a lot since it was conceived. But I knew I wanted Max to start out as a physical kid and then grow out of it. He and Sam really were destined.

I'm so glad we got to see how Jody found out about the whole situation and I just love her more after finding out that she helped with the adoption (by the way, I love how thorough your research is 🧡).

I knew Dean would never give up on his brother but it just made me really emotional when he kept calling and Sam finally picked up and the first words out of Dean's mouth were "are you alright?". It got to me for some reason...

I thought it was logical to go to her for a lot of reasons- cause she is a legal writings professor, a close friend AND has experience with adoption as a single parent in the very same state. 

Awww... all the Dean parts get me. ALL of them. Especially here because they are so far and in-between in this story.

But Sam wanted his wife to trust him the same way. Unconditionally. He wanted her to trust him with fixing their life, dealing with their loss and grief and wanted her to trust him with rebuilding their life from before the accident.

This is you using my braincells by the way. Cause later on, someone points this EXACT same thing to the reader

I know I've said this before but it just keeps coming back to this in my head, she knew things couldn't be fixed because as much as she probably trusted Sam with her life, she understands that some things just aren't in anyone's control... And Sam wanted her to believe he could mend the wounds all by himself... It's sad and frustrating but I can't wait for them to have this conversation

I know you’ve read part 30 already and you know they touch on this very very briefly but they don’t really resolve this. It gets addressed specifically eventually. His ‘i could fix us’ vs. her ‘I knew you couldn’t.’ Does such for them though.

Chapter 28

Why do I have a bad feeling about that party?

Because. Same. Braincells. Lol.

I really wanted for someone to say that and Sam certainly needed to hear it and I'm so glad it was Chase who opened his eyes about this. He's absolutely right too, let the woman speak for her damn self instead of assuming how she feels.

Chase was me! Yelling at all these characters for not fucking listening to me haha... remember how I told you that people were suspicious of Chase? Yeah, after this chapter, everyone’s kinda adopted him. 

My emotions have been all over the place lately anyway but reading how Sam needed to compose himself before speaking about his son's death... I swear I don't have tears in my eyes while typing this- that was hard to read.

I'm glad Max knows... I don't know how much of it he understands but he's a clever boy, I'm sure he has at least a little bit better of an idea why this situation is so delicate.

Awww I’m so sorry I made you cry :/ But, well... Sam doesn’t grieve his son’s death the way the reader does. He’s always been more stoic. Besides, he had to deal with two griefs back then not just one... but I am sure it still hurts too much. 

I’ve left it to everyone’s imagination how much Max understands. He knows the concept of death for sure.... but his birth father had orgies at his house. We can all only hope that Max is completely shielded from that since he was using to hiding in closets when there were strangers in the house.

I was surprised by his question too but Sam's response was so... Loving. My heart can't take this.. He's such a great father...

Yep. I mean how else could he have reassured Max? His no lying policy is a great way to raise a child tbh. My sister does that with my nephew. That’s how I know.

Chapter 29

I really like Maddie, she's a genuinely sweet person, I love how helpful she tries to be and that she honestly wants her friend to be happy. I wonder what exactly went wrong during that party for her to look so dejected...

Maddie is nice. I was hellbent on making all of Sam’s canon Exes nice in this series. Cause I’ve had enough of reading the evil ex and current gf pitted against each other trope (Though I’ve never written it myself. Maybe I should and see for myself why it is so alluring lol.) I don’t know, maybe it was little a double prank thingy? Throw the reader in the water and be as mean to Madison as you can?

I really fucking hope that Brad gets what he deserves and that is to be kicked in the balls. Ever fucking heard the word boundary? Consent? I hate people like him with a burning passion and that whole situation infuriated and scared me in equal measure.

Yeah. That asshole needs to go down! His endgame has changed more than anyone elses in the story lol.

The fact that all of it came back to her the instant she hit the water made me sob. She wanted to protect her baby but there was no one there... I just- oh fuck.

Kay that part was HARD to write. All of it. Poor reader!

Was Sam the one to pull her out? If so then I don't even want to think about what would happen if he wasn't there, if they haven't made plans...

The way she started crying for their baby when she found her breath again made me cry even more... I don't know why I feel such a strong connection to this story and characters but I don't want them to ever feel pain like that again. It's heartbreaking 💔

Yeah that was Sam... I mean the pool was visible and all that. I mean of course you know. You read the next chapter. Why am I being a dumbass :/ 

Something had to trigger her trauma. It wasn’t going to come out on its own and And Sam loves her too much to force her to grieve. He barely held it together when she did grieve so well...

PS.: I'm really sorry you experienced drowning, it's a horrible thing to go through. I don't do pools- or really, any body of water, either. There's just something about the idea of drowning that unsettles me more than I can express.

Yeahh... God bless that lifeguard. Seriously. He’s the only one who noticed that I wasn’t coming up. It was night time and the pool was pretty dark so. I am so sorry that you don’t like pools, either. It’s terrifying.

Chapter 30

Firstly, Ria, you’re TOO GOOD to me, seriously! The fact that I could have you speechless is about the biggest complement you could’ve given me.

If you can call it that and at first when she asked him about the ring, I was surprised but my heart just sunk. I don't think either of them were in the right, I don't think they were both wrong either... I don't believe I'm good enough with problem solving to know what advice I'd give them but I do know that I have never experienced a feeling more cathartic than this one when reading. Twenty nine chapters leading to this moment... All the questions and pining and heartbreak. .. And sure, there's so much more they could say and there's so much more you talk about and figure out but as of right now... This is the beginning of the rest of their lives.

So, I think what she meant to ask was why did he just not give up on her, but she was tired and spontaneous and the ring question just tumbled out instead. I tried so hard for all their conversations to sound spontaneous and not rehearsed you know? Where they ended up touching on every aspect of the past? Cause that wouldn’t happen. It just wouldn’t. 

And THANK YOU for saying that. I swear to God, this chapter wouldn’t have made that impact if it hadn’t had a backing of 29 chapters. It would have royally fallen flat. Everyone was invested in the story by now and I was counting on it.

I didn't like how Sam got angry at first because I put myself in her shoes but the truth is, someone needed to get angry about something. One of them had to feel some type of overwhelming emotion to get here and it just so happened that it started with pain and landed on anger.

This is and SPN finale type of dilemma though. Like for the writers, they had to Kill of Dean first cause only Sam had the slight ability to move on. Sam way, I didn’t think the reader would have ever gotten angry first. She is so burdened by her own guilt (undeserved tbh) but she wouldn’t just lash out first. Sam had been angry at the start of the series and absolutely livid in their time apart. I just thought it would be easier for him to get mad first. Not defending his choices or whatever, just why I chose to make that decision as a writer. I would have been plenty mad a reader, too.

But the way they got angry wasn't a bad thing, their anger was based in how much they care about each other. Like the anger I would feel when one of my dogs ran just a little too far from me and a car was coming - took like fifteen fucking years off my ife istg. But I wasn't angry and screaming at them to make them feel bad, I was angry because I was so fucking scared that they would get hurt. The anger wasn't based in resentment, it was based in love. It's the same here and you can see it.

Jesus, I’m so sorry that happened with one of your dogs. Seriously. That sounds scary AF. I’m glad your dogs are okay.

Their anger isn’t destructive. It just isn’t. That much I’m pretty sure of. They’ve dealt with so much shit, and truly love each too much to actually hurt one another with words at this point. And it’s a good 10 chapters of journey where they deal with one issue after another to effing solve it like adults and not teenagers in throes of passion. I was like, nope! Not doing the passionate way. These two don’t get to be smart enough to get into Stanford and then be dumb like that and scream and yell and be jealous or irrational. It added a few chapters, but if I can be patient, so can be everyone else :P

The story she told about the cactus was not only a brilliant way to show her mindset and how people saw her over the years but also so fucking heartbreaking. On one hand you have this coworker who saw her and thought, "that person needs something low maintenance if they can care for something at all" and on the other - you've got this woman who tries her best to nurture this plant and help it grow and it ends up dying anyway.

That cactus one is inspired by real life event. And it seriously broke my heart to go through. Hoping each day that the last pod might live through :/ Like you said her co-worker wasn’t being mean, but it sucks that the cactus died anyway :(

Girl, you made my morning today. I woke up to your love and I just... you had me speechless. That chapter took a lot out of our branicells and I rewrote it so many times just to get it right for it to be respectful, vulnerable and cathartic at the same time. 

But may I ask you, WHY YOU WERE UP TILL 5:30 in the morning to read it? I have a timestamp thingy going for me, okay? I knew what time it was over there! And you gave yourself a migraine crying? OMG! I am so so sorry :/ Gosh. If I knew, you were going to binge it straight, I’d have warned you!

Seriously, Ria! Thank you seems like a small phrase. I will tell you this, I love you! So much!

[nightwingshero]

“Try to stay quiet, understand?” + “We’re in public, you know.” for whoever you're feeling 💋👀

Ooooof! Okay, so me and a certain someone entertained this idea. 👀👀👀 @risenlucifer apparently this is a thing now...

“Yeah, I wish I could say I’m sorry about your husband...but, well, he was a dick. So...yeah.”

I stared at him, blinking, caught between wanting to laugh or asking if he was serious. I knew the answer to that already, though. “Thanks, Sharky. I appreciate it.”

“Good to have you back, though, dep. Wait...do I call you ‘dep’? Are you...you goin’ back?”

Randy cleared his throat before taking a drink of his beer, looking away awkwardly. I’m not sure how to respond to that. It had been a few weeks since John’s death, ridding Holland Valley of his grasp, leaving Jacob’s region to be the last to be taken out. It took some time, but my old friends had accepted me back quicker than I anticipated. Partly because of me playing a hand in his death.

“Hey, girl.” I look to see Kim walking up to me with a wide smile. She looked good, motherhood suited her, and I could see the pink bundle in her arms. “Didn’t think I’d see you here.”

“Hey Kim.” I smiled back brightly. She had been one of the first to accept me back, and I was so grateful for her. I always had been.

“Well, look at you. Ain’t you lookin’ cute?”

I blushed a bit, looking away. I had dug out a burgundy sundress with a jean jacket, since the nights were starting to get a little chilly. My hair fell in perfect curls from my time working on it and my makeup. I wanted to look good, even though he might not show, but just in case.

“Thanks. The cowgirl boots are new.” I replied. She opened her mouth to say something else, but Sharky cut her off.

“You should, though! You know, join the force again. I liked it when you were runnin’ things. Badass. You could be Wes’ partner, ‘cause...well, you’re his partner.” I raised my brow at him and he threw his hand up. “I mean, that’s what I heard! People are saying his stickin’ it in yah and all that.”

“Thank you, Sharky.” Randy cut him off with a laugh. “For that lovely image. Pleasure as always, mate.”

Sharky looked at him confused, but Mary May threw me a look from behind him and rolled her eyes. Helping her out this together was almost cathartic. Our way of making things between us right, and I was happy to have her as a friend again.

“Speak of the Devil...” Kim teases, elbowing me in the ribs. I shot her a look before she motioned with a nod. Following her gaze, I catch his eyes on me and exhale heavily from pure shock.

Wes had been in the Whitetails for the past week and a half, doing what he could with Eli. We hadn’t really seen each other, but he let me house sit for him while he was gone. It was easy, since I refused to step foot in that ranch again, whether it was claimed by the resistance or not. But I had stayed the night with Mary May, with us having to put this together, it made the most sense. I had no clue he was back.

He’s leaning against his bike, talking with Nick as he holds a beer bottle in his hand, sporting that damn leather jacket over a white V-neck shirt. It occurs to me that he had actually cleaned up for this. His lips quirk up in a smirk as he takes me in and I smile wide at him.

“He stopped by the house earlier, and we told him what you two had planned. Nick insisted he stay and celebrate with us. Didn’t take much convincing.”

I throw her a knowing look before Wes takes a drink of his beer and begins to make his way over. My heart was fluttering in my chest. I can’t help the beating smile I give him as I walk towards him.

“Well, look at you.” His voice is low and it sends a shiver down my spine. “All prettied up. You dressin’ up for someone?”

“I am, actually.” I teased, fingering the edge of his leather jacket. “But I wasn’t sure if he’d show. He’s been away for a bit.”

“And miss you looking like this? Not a fucking chance.”

I almost squeal in excitement, like some lovestruck teenager. My face almost hurts from smiling so damn much, but I turn, wrapping my arm around his waist as his arm hangs around my shoulders. “Almost everyone could make it. Addie is here with Xander, Hurk jr and Sharky are being their normal selves.” I point over at Randy. “Raf and Randy are here, getting along pretty well. We should probably walk over, let you say hi. Randy has been talking about a bike he found and he wants to hear what you have to say about restoring it.”

He hums, and I watch as he glances around the field. I frown, doing a quick look around, just in case. But I see nothing, no Peggies or Judges. We finally start walking, and my smile returns until he starts to steer us away. I look back up at him.

“Wes?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“What...what are you doing? Our friends are that way.”

We glance back, and no one can see us walk off in the dark, all of them too busy with drinking, games, and talking to notice. “They sure are. But we’re goin’ this way.”

“Why?” I asked. He turns his head as we slow, a few yards away from the Testy Festy, before he pulls me behind a bale of hay. His hands are pushing up my dress, finding their way to my underwear. “Wes!” I gasp out.

He stops, looking at me confused. “What?”

“What are you doing?”

“What am I—? I haven’t seen you in over a week, and you show up here looking like this? Baby, come on. You knew what you were doin’.”

I blush as he pulls on the lacy material, ripping it. “You’ve gotta stop doing that.”

“Mmm, it’s fine.” He mumbles before he kisses me. I melt immediately, one hand clutching his shirt as the other runs through his hair. I’m getting lost in him until I hear his belt buckle, and I pull back in fear.

“We’re in public, you know? We can’t do this.” I hissed. What if someone hears us?”

“Try and stay quiet, understand?” He looked down at me with a slight smirk. “If you can. You think you can keep those sounds to yourself, baby girl?”

He undoes his pants quickly and I’m already panting from want and anticipation. His lips find me again, and he lifts me to slam me against the bale as my legs wrap around his waist, and he enters me swiftly.

Moaning, I pull at his hair and he leaves a trail of kisses on my neck, biting and sucking as he goes. “Oh my god, Wes. I’ve missed you.”

“Me too, baby.” He groans as he picks up his pace. “Fuck, you feel good.”

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

I hold onto him tightly, trying hard to keep my sounds to myself, but he drives me insane. “Fucking Christ, you’re beautiful, you know that? That fucking dress...” he growled in my ear.

“I was hoping you’d come.” I confessed. “I wanted—needed to see you.”

“Mhmm. I’m here baby, fuck. Gotta take of you, don’t I?”

I squeezed my legs harder around him with a cry of his name as my orgasm hits hard. “Yes! Oh my god, Wes!”

“Fuck, Wren. I love you. I fucking love you.” He groaned in my ear as he came inside of me, slowing until he stopped completely. I pull away, looking up at him.

“What?” I breathed out.

Wes is breathing heavily when he lifts his head to look at me, concern swirling in his eyes. “What?”

“What did you just say?” I asked again and he looked away a little uneasy.

“Oh...I uhm..” he cleared his throat. “I said—“

“You love me?” I asked, my eyes tearing up as I beam up at him. Wes hesitated, taking me in before giving a soft smile.

“Yeah. Yeah, I love you.”

I squealed, throwing my arms around his neck in a hug before smashing my lips against his enthusiastically. “I love you, too, Wes. I really do.” I breathed out in awe. His smile is breathtaking as he sets me down, his hands cradling my face to give me a deep, loving kiss.

We fix ourselves, making sure we were presentable. He returns his arm over my shoulders as I hang on to his waist. I can’t stop smiling as we join our friends, drinks being passed around with him keeping me close, making sure I didn’t stray far, especially with me now going without underwear. Kim gave me a funny look before reaching for my hair.

My eyes widen as she pulls a piece of hay from my hair, inspecting it before giving me a knowing smile. “You must be happy that Wes is back, huh?”

[botslayer]

Top Ten games of the 2010′s

This trend seems to be doing the rounds at the moment and seeing as I’ve been gaming for about as long as I can remember, It just feels right. So, let’s get into it. But first, worth saying: These aren't really in any specific order, it's just the games I've personally had the most fun with overall, but it's pretty hard to decide what the hard numbers on things you enjoy for different reasons are if that makes any sense. 10. The 2010's weren't exactly the best time for anyone, I think. For me they were a slog of finding myself and learning things I wish I didn't. Amid all those things I wanted some levity. The world needs something and stupid. We got a lot of it ion 2013 but I feel like we could have used it scattered around a bit more. In that spirit, allow me to show you one hell of a pick me up:

Saints Row 4

Saints Row 4 does not give a fuck. It is aggressively demonstrating that the entire time you play. It doesn't care in the slightest what you think or why, It just wants to show you cool, if juvenile, and interesting, if weird shit. It's the finer points of Ratchet and Clank's arsenal, SR3's humor, And superpowers that genuinely put Prototype and Infamous in a blender and tell you to go ape shit with them. The soundtrack isn't top shelf, it's the roof of the building the shelf is in. Saints Row Two had a better story overall but SR Four's was just plain fun and a solid enough story to still be invested.

The DLC was just as irreverent and madcap, Featuring everything from an evil Santa Clause to evil Gimps on Game of thrones chairs made of dildos Or Tropey-ass costumes and weapon reskins that I'd be genuinely surprised the game dev didn't get sued over. It has earned its place in my top 10 and I will die by that decision.

9.

2016 saw the advent of a new genre. They blended TF2 and MOBAs, and we got hero shooters in their first AAA forms, Overwatch and Battleborn. But neither of these games is on this list, much as I liked them. Partly because the whole time, I kept thinking of one simple question: "Why do I keep thinking of...?"

Anarchy Reigns

Anarchy Reigns is my favorite Platinum game. Full Stop. The Story mode is interesting and has genuinely good character moments, the characters themselves are completely mental, ranging from a mercenary with a bionic cat leg that secretly has a gun built into it to a giant cyborg bull-man with a jet-powered hammer. The soundtrack is mostly angry hip-hop, making every song a banger and fittingly speedy for things like random bombing runs from jet fighters that come from absolutely nowhere.

There are giant monsters, cars with mounted flame throwers, giant robots, and the online is still pretty sweet because even when abandoned, loading it up with bots still rules. I regularly have more fun with this than I ever did with Overwatch, and I don't care how insane that sounds.

8.

Some games want to make you feel something and fail. Some games make you feel some things accidentally, for example, a desperate need to laugh. This game made me feel like a human blender. Like a Chthonic god of mangled flesh and raw destructive power. Nyarlathotep ain't got nothing on me. I speak, of course, of...

[Prototype] 2

There's no end to the absolute destruction you feel like you're causing in this game. It feels more fluid than the first, the main character is a pinch more relatable, and all the body horror, superpowers, zombie hordes, and big old monsters make for some of the most memorable and fun moments and fights in gaming. The DLC is also pretty solid, adding new fun side challenges, and new powers and weapons that elevate you from "Flesh god" to "Screw physics, I made them" Omnipotent. Best god/monster simulation of all time.

7.

Sometimes some games are at an honest tie in your mind. Be it that you like them for essentially the same reasons, or for completely different reasons, but the overall total joy or entertainment they bring is roughly equivalent. Here, we have a case of the former:

Furi/Cuphead

Both games have a tight focus on giving players a unique, boss-centric challenge, both have interesting, somewhat minimal narratives, and both are absolute eye candy.

Furi has a more "Samurai Jack" Quality to me. A complete badass on a relatively simple quest with a somewhat minimalistic art style learning some things as he goes.

Cuphead on the other hand, nails that rubber hose animation style, and the fun levity of such animations while still making the player's ability to interact with the world damn impactful and fun.

They share a spot in my soul, games I love everything about but will never be able to finish. Hats off to both dev teams.

6.

Now here we have another tie. Mostly because the games are so close together, they need to be evaluated more or less as one product IMO, not enough changed for me to consider them separate games, fortunately, that is the furthest thing from an insult it can be in this situation. I present to you, my next pick(s).

Costume Quest 1/2

Now, This might seem pretty random considering my other picks, but honestly, I love Halloween, I love creative madness, I love subversion, I love good characters, and I love cool action, these games have all these things by the bucketload.

The first game is a wild ride through Halloween in multiple very lively locations and the second, slightly confusing as it is, is pretty awesome for the things it introduces, including time travel. Other elements, like the battle stamps, the truly epic forms of everything in the fights, The ability to customize your costumes, etc. they blur together in a pretty big way, but again, there's not a thing wrong with that when both games rock like crystal candy. 

5.

Now, if you hadn't noticed, all of the games on this list have had some hard action at their core, and while I don't HATE calmer games, a lot of the time, so many are kinda dull to me in that with the exception of easter eggs of some sort, most farming sims, for example, just have you doing normal farm stuff with very few twists, may as well start a real farm in that case. My most chill entry is a game that tosses that to one side, asks you to grab a suck cannon, and start harvesting gelatinous monster poop.

Slime Rancher

While you don't spend a lot of time actually interacting with other characters, they just talk at you, the story of the game is pretty effective, the player character of Beatrix has left Earth for a simpler life of Slime Ranching, which entails the raising of alien crops, delightfully derpy and colorful chickens, and going all around in an attempt to farm new breeds of slime for their genetic material to sell off or trade-in for the creation of gadgets while being surrounded by a cast of interesting characters. It's all very wholesome family fun.

The game looks great, has great ideas, and is genuinely the best farming game I have ever played. @ me all you want.

4.

The 80's are almost fetishized nowadays. Given all the property reboots, games that go for the vibe and aesthetic of the time, etc. It almost seems as though the eighties vibe train ain't gonna stop rolling any time soon. But we owe it to ourselves to remember the first big swipe of madcap neon-colored actiony B-movie bullshit and how mind-meltingly epic it was. Ladies, Gents, and whatever else, I present:

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon

Blood Dragon's story is relatively simple, you play Sargent Rex "Power" Colt (A name said in full so many times I thought his last name was "Powercolt" for the longest time), a former "Omega force" cyborg. Rex and his friend "Spider" were sent into a secret island base to investigate the supposed defection and treachery of their old commander, Ike Sloan. It turns out he has gone rogue and taken an army of "Mark 5" Omegaforce cyber-soldiers with him. What follows is a long story of betrayal, science fiction of the highest nonsensical level, comedy, and brilliantly cathartic action.

The collectibles range from data on animals, to research notes from a scientist, to literal VHS cassette tapes that have full descriptions of movies that I would legitimately watch if I could. "You may now kill the brides" is not a real film and I am angry for every day that that is true. Anyway, play Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, I dunno if it's on PS4 but it's one game I'd buy a new/old console for.

3.

A lot of superhero games NEED to railroad you. Your goals MUST be to save the lives of the people and help the weak and all that. But one dev asked the simple question: "What if it didn't?" "What if the player chose how to use their power? What if the player could be as evil or as good as they damn well pleased?" One game gave you the powers of thunder and lightning and asked what you'd do with it. It's sequel asked you the same, but against more... interesting forces.

InFamous 2

InFamous 2 is a game about making choices, just like the first one, also just like the first one, it can have an effect on gameplay. That effect went from "What does this particular power do in this allignment?" To "Which new set of NEW powers would you like?" The forces of the last game went from “Three flavors of gun-toting whackos” To “Possibly an allegory for the Klan, Swamp monsters, and Ice-powered super soldiers.”

This was, and still is, the best game in the whole series, The powers felt distinct from anything else and still do, the story is solid as a rock, and the enemy types were still varied enough to be interesting, I miss the Reapers from the first game, but that's about it. Everything else was a massive step up. If you have something that can run it, play it.

2.

Action is something I think we can all appreciate on some level. We can understand when it does or does not work, we can understand when we do or do not like how it feels when we are the ones partaking in it. EX: Any schlep can tell you when the weapons in your game lack impact, or when your character moves too slow for the game to be fun. The following game is something I can't say anything of the sort about. And it's kind of like Wolfenstein, when you have enemies this bad, who the hell cares how many you kill?

Doom 2016

Y'all are lying if you say you didn't expect this one. It's DOOM 2016. This game is made of hate and fuck. AND I LOVE IT. You move so fast, you may as well be half cheetah and half sports car. You slaughter the dregs of hell by the dozens and even the biggest, baddest things this game throws at you can be beaten with the starting pistol if you have the stones for it. It looks amazing graphically, the demons all look appropriately threatening, and even the Multiplayer is a great deal of fun in my book.

Something worth noting: The story presented by default is pretty barebones, but that's where supplementary material fills in the gaps, the difference between supplementary material in most games and supplementary material here is the material is till IN THE GAME. You're free to ignore most of the plot as it happens around you, and even interesting tidbits of the lore like how certain demons function. Not only are these things missable collectibles, prompting continued play to find them, they are also pretty interesting reads. So yeah, just about everything you could want in a sequel/remake, builds the on lore and gameplay very organically. 

1.

And here we are, the last game I'd put in this category. An entire decade, and here, we end on the last game that left such an impact I'd put it in my top ten. But first, let's talk about expectations and delivery: When you say a game is coming out, there are certain expectations you have for gameplay, EX: I say "Ratchet and Clank" and you expect a TPS with platforming elements and crazy guns. I say "Gears of War" and people expect something to do with lumbering about in big armor, dismembering things with a chainsaw gun and otherwise shooting them to paste. We might also expect changes to things, better graphics, innovations in grenade variety, something as that franchise goes on.

After the last game in this series was released, there were tons of people who felt let down and disappointed by it. Then they released the still somewhat disappointing special edition of it. They were both still fun, but neither really felt like the full next step in the series. After a failed reboot, they returned to the original story and the lot of us rejoiced. And when it finally came out? It was a step up in most, if not, all regards, to its predecessors. You know what this last one is. Please, give a warm round of applause to:

Devil May Cry 5

A game that was not only a return to form, but a major escalation in gameplay for one character, and a new style of gameplay all together by way of yet another new character. It didn’t exactly hurt that the story kicked ten kinds of ass and that the game looked spectacular in both the design of everything and the actual graphical fidelity.DMC 5 is, like DOOM, Like InFamous 2, Like [PROTOTYPE] 2, everything you want in a good sequel. It built very well on already solid foundations and it was generally just a fun, slightly goofy, massively stylish, and ultra badass ride. I recommend this, and all these games, to anyone.Good night everyone, have a great 2020. And the rest of the decade, for that matter. 

[daturanerium]

finished season two of the magnus archives! here is my s2 livetweet thread and here are my reflections/predictions from season one. 

jon:

you are so fucking stupid. so incomprehensibly dumb. it is absolutely incredible how you lack any brain cells at all.

if jon was a dnd character he’d have a plus three to intelligence and a negative two to wisdom. i’m right.

[jon voice] people care about me? Must Be A Manipulation Tactic!

[jon voice, continued] literally everyone except for me is a) a murderer, b) using me, or c) hiding something. i, however, am totally fine and also sane and if you imply otherwise you are definitely Hiding Something and i need to stalk you.

seriously it’s a goddamn miracle he wasn’t fired or didn’t just like....explode on the spot

that awkward moment when you befriend a cop and get tapes that may lead to your successor’s cold murder case being solved but in the process you learn that you and your place of employment are actually owned by The Great, All-Powerful [REDACTED] 

it’s so interesting listening to a man’s mental health and sanity decline in real time!

martin: do u want some tea? jon: you’re going to kill me huh?

[jon voice] it is a good idea for me to enter these dangerous tunnels alone on multiple occasions. i am fine. 

his fatal flaw is still pursuit of knowledge. love that for him. 

baby please you work for an entity that probably literally thrives off knowledge.......please grow some brain cells in season three before you literally die doing something stupid

i literally can’t say anything more about s2 jon that isn’t me just repeating “stupid dumb paranoid baby” over and over again

martin:

martin [shaking hands emoji] me playing the mediator as our family loses their minds around us

martin blackwell recieves everything he has ever wanted and needed challenge!!!

baby i love you

HE CARES SO MUCH AND NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM.......

martin’s job this season is literally the concerned husband but we’re not ready to talk about that yet

my dude really stepped up at the end! he was gonna fight michael in hand to hand combat for jon and sasha and i’m so proud of him!

martin went from baby to hold my flower

martin saw some shit in season one and now he’s a badass

his poetry.....i cried i literally love him so much

when he was talking to tim in the tunnels and he just breaks. and yells. and says he wants to get out of here and save jon and help sasha and be happy and you know what if everything DID turn out in the end that would be kind of nice actually!!!!

we didn’t see much of him this season but from what we did, especially at the end......the character development.......he’s so much braver now, so much more ready to confront the horrors of the world around him. martin is one of those special people that runs on love and uses love as a driving force to fight for the things he needs. 

i hope someday martin gets to sit down in a nice little cottage in the middle of nowhere with someone who loves him and just. relax. it’s what he deserves.

tim

you are the only bitch in this house i ever respected

literally just trying his best

so incredibly valid

GIVE HIM A BREAK

as someone who is the least confrontational person on the planet i really respect and admire tim calling jon out on his bullshit

that scene was so cathartic.....god.....

@ THE ELDRICH BEING RUNNING THE ARCHIVES CAN YOU PLEASE LET HIM GO HE JUST WANTS TO LEAVE

tim at the beginning of s2: hey jon you okay? you’re acting weird and it’s kind of freaking us out tim at the end of s2: fuck archivist lives and jon in particular,

and you know what? he’s right

i hope tim gets to go home. it won’t happen but i can dream.

are we just gonna brush over that part in the finale where michael just???? bamfed them to another dimension or something????? because neither tim nor martin seemed the least bit phased

honestly tim/jon has rights. i enjoy it.

he’s just so angry and hurt and done. he’s reached his limit. goodbye

get tim out of the archives s3!!! do it!!!

gertrude

wow i love you

every time i hear gertrude’s voice i just go [one thousand teary-eyes emojis]

there’s a lot we don’t know and there’s a lot that she knows. i wish we could like. raise her from the dead or something. altho honestly with a horror podcast who the hell knows

jon listening to/hyperfixating on gertrude is just a fancy way of him claiming her as his new mother figure

GOD I LOVE HER I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CAN WE GET A SPINOFF PLEASE

basira and daisy

the only cops with rights

that part where tim thought basira was jon’s girlfriend and they both dissolved into gay panic.....priceless

daisy step on me challenge. i’ve met her twice and i love her.

honestly basira is such a badass. stealing from the cops while being a cop? that takes guts and i really respect her lack of respect toward cops while being one

not to mention that entire business with that sentient cult darkness shit. she killed it in there (no pun intended). give her like a purple heart or something idk how cops work

daisy.....please tell me your secrets. what have you seen. what do you know.

melanie

please work for the archives i am BEGGING you

my ghost hunter girlfriend

i love her and jon’s relationship. just pure loathing. tension between the hunter and the archivist. i live for that shit.

but under that it’s like Oh Shit I Actually Care A Lot???? like their loathing comes from their businesses being judgemental enemies, but personally they actually have a lot in common and care for each others’ wellbeing.

i really hope melanie sticks around so we can learn more about her and see her friendship with jon grow into....an actual friendship

shes also a total badass and both her research and deducing skills are so good. she’s just a great archive candidate overall.

michael

[REDACTED]

what the fuck are you

what the fuck do you want

why do i like you so much.

okay there’s a lot more going on here but i’m putting my predictions under the cut!

okay lets check out my predictions from last time.

okay this one was partially right! “entities” rule the world apparently, and the archive is run by one of them. sort of got that!

.....yeah that didn’t happen.

hell yeah! i’m proud of myself for this one, even though the time loop part wasn’t true. i thought “time loop” because her voice started echoing when she hit the table, but turns out that was just her crazy long copy taking over. oh well!

nope. gertrude was killed by elias, apparently. fucker.

WELL.........

okay. this one is complicated because i was sort of correct but there’s still a lot of information i don’t know. gonna give myself half credit for this one i think.

REMEMBER IN THE FINALE WHEN MARTIN THOUGHT HE SAW SASHA AND TIM HAD TO STOP HIM FROM RUNNING IN TO SAVE HER? YEAH.

okay, season three predictions. let's go.

(disclaimer: while i haven’t been actively looking up spoilers or engaging in the tma tag, i also haven’t muted the tag or anything associated with it. i have ideas of what’s to come but they’re vague and mostly come from fanart on my dash/timeline).

jon just gives up. he’s having to much of a crisis to do anything other than his job.

jonmartin endgame still

michael becomes a sort of??? constant presence??? at the archive. everyone just kind of accepts it.

the books and the entities make a lot more things make sense. that’s really vague i know but like. 

predictions for the entities:

fire/destruction 

knowledge (jon stans rise up)

empty/alone (these stories always get to me the most. the ones where you’re endlessly falling or trapped in a cave or can’t sleep or stuck in space. shit scares me more than anything else)

chaos (i think michael is with this one. the doors also fit into this category, and maybe that shipping company)

death/id (brings out the bareness of human instinct. the meat, the bloodlust, and the death. maybe even the bugs go here, but they’re confusing. i don’t know where they fit.)

each entity represents a deep-set human fear. they were created to either teach us lessons or keep us in line.

sometimes they have devoted followers. sometimes they have disciples or avatars. you can lose yourself to them if you aren’t careful. jane was probably an avatar, that girl with the heat powers on hilltop road was an avatar, that guy with the lightning powers was an avatar, etc.

the books can teach you how to connect with the entities, but you have to be actually insane to try it. (if you aren’t already, you certainly will by the time you finish the reading/ritual. if you even survive)

anyway back to actual plot.

jon learns more from gertrude’s tapes about elias and the archives. maybe even the entities. he doesn’t want to know, but as we’ve learned, he Just Can’t Not Know. 

jon finally grows a brain cell and lets people (martin) take care of him. a little.

tim is just there. he hates it but he can’t leave. (someone please get him out this is so sad)

melanie and basira join up with the archive, but for different reasons. melanie because jon asks her to, basira because despite her best interest she couldn’t stay away.

at the end of the season we’ll either meet a powerful avatar person of one of the entities themselves. that will be.....interesting. 

elias gets hit by a bus. won’t happen but i can dream.

what ever happened to that one man from season one who had the dreams about death? i loved his statement. is there anyone out there like him? will jon receive a message like gertrude did?

WHAT IS THE LIGHTER FOR. i completely forgot about it until i looked at my last predictions and saw it mentioned.

martin is more active in tapes (again unlikely but i can dream. i love him)

that’s about all i got! i’m going to post this and immediately start season three. wish me luck :)