#but god I’m ready to have a fucking mental breakdown I’m tired of being sick

[jocelynships]

Can y’all like manifest my meds finally start to kick in bc good god. I’m coughing so hard I’m throwing up and I genuinely feel miserable. I’m missing so much work, I missed out on spending quality time with my siblings, and I’m missing out on spending time with friends. It’s really starting to affect me mentally being stuck inside due to being sick.

[yungbud]

Hi my love! When you have time could you write an fluffy & smutty imagine where the reader gets insecure & worries or compares themselves to Ashley? (Halsey) & Dom finds out & shows the reader how much they mean to him & how much he loves them daddy kink in there with the smut please & a lot of praise & saying "I'll take care of you pretty girl" 🥺

Word count:4.1k

TW?: mostly angst and fluff, but mentions of daddy kink and adult themes obviously its smut.

A/n: anything for you my lil nugget 🥺 Smut is at the bottom you horny cunts. I hope it was everything you wanted and more <33

*rewrite

You knew better. Unfortunately, you were self destructive and couldn't help yourself. It was 3AM and Dom was fast asleep beside you, and had been for hours. You, however, had chosen to watch a video before bed. It was titled “Yungblud being cute for 6 minutes straight.”, but of course one video turned to five or six more, until eventually you came along another video. This one was called “Halsey and yungblud cute moments.” and the cover photo was of them in onesies, one of Dom's arms wrapped around her and the other holding the camera. You could feel the pit begin to grow in your stomach. Glancing over at Dom to check he was still asleep, you pressed play on the video, flipping over so you were facing him, so that if he did wake up he wouldn’t see what was on the screen.

It was ridiculous, honestly. How could you be jealous of her when you were the one laying right next to him. It broke your heart the way he looked at her, you couldn’t help but wonder... is that how he looks at you? Why would he? She’s so beautiful, look at jawline, look at those eyes and her voice. Oh god... her voice, she's a musician. You loved music, but you had never been musically inclined and at best you could go hard on the triangle. But her, she understood it all, down to the tour life. When he was overwhelmed with work or couldn’t find a melody, she could help, when he didn’t know how to deal with all the attention, she could help. She was like the perfect mentor/ girlfriend combo. She connected with him in ways you would never be able to. She got it.

Your finger hovered over part 2 of the video, a moment of hesitation before pressing it. You tapped twice more to skip past the person's intro, wasting no time in getting to the painful stuff. 

One of the first clips was Halsey talking about the night they met. You knew it was unhealthy, but you couldn’t look away. She described it so beautifully, taking a moment to mention that of course she would because she's a writer and that's how she saw the world, her world was so beautiful. Dom deserved to live in her world. 

She went on to say that they had met up in a bar to chat, to which you remembered why. It wasn’t a coincidence, Dom liked her music. He looked up to her. Just another way you could never be who he needed. 

You couldn’t help it. He’d made the trade down of the century and everyone knew it. You paused the video momentarily, subduing the verbal attack on your ears and laying your phone down on your chest. Heavy breaths slid past your lips as you tried to calm yourself from a full blown breakdown.

 You glanced once more over at Dom, ensuring he was asleep before letting a single tear slip down your face. You used the blanket to wipe it away, basking in the shitty feeling you had created for yourself. You decided that was enough of that, shutting off your phone and plugging it up for the night. After laying there silently for a moment you scooted a bit away from Dom. 

You didn’t really feel like being held by him tonight.

----

The first thought in your head the next morning was of the events of last night, the same shitty feeling digging itself into the pit of your stomach.

“Fuck.” You sighed

“Sorry, I was borrowing one of Dom’s shirts. I didn’t mean to wake you.”  You turned your head to acknowledge the presence in the room. It was Tom, bent over and digging through a pile of Dom’s clothes.

“All good.” You murmured, flipping onto your stomach and burying your face in the pillow. It smelled like Dom.

Soon after you heard the door shut behind Tom as he left, your head lifting from the pillow. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t really feel like being around Dom today. You couldn’t get past the feeling that he was ultimately worse off with you, that he had settled for less.

You hated the way you felt, your face drooping back into the pillow in an attempt to hide and ended up dozing off, the late night pity marathon catching up with you.

About an hour later you were awoken to Dom’s lips on your forehead. Your eyes met momentarily as you blinked the sleep out of them, reaching upwards in a stretch.

“ ‘ello sleepy head.” Dom says, planting another kiss, this time to your nose. You roll over, replanting your face in the pillow once again, “Are you going back to sleep?” He asks

“Tired.” You mumble back, voice muffled by the pillow.

“It’s 1pm.” no response “How late did you stay up last night?” He asks, laying his head on the pillow next to yours. You shrugged.

“Are you feeling alright, love?” You shifted your head so that you were looking at him, cheek still pressed softly against your pillow “Are you feeling a bit sick? Is it cramps? I can make you a cup of tea and get you some pain killers.” He continued, offering to help you in any way he could. He just wanted to know what was wrong with you, so he could help you. He hated the idea of you up in bed all alone feeling ill. He considered skipping the studio today, he was already cutting it close on time.

“No, I feel fine. Just need a nap. I must’ve stayed up later than I realized, s’all.” You knew you needed to tell him. Every silent moment was filled with you trying to convince yourself to just say something to him. Just talk about it. Just let him in.

“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll be out of the house at the studio, but Tom and Adam are here if you need them. I’ll tell them to be quiet so you can get some rest.” You smiled in response, your eyes closing as he rubbed his thumb lovingly against your cheek “Hey, I love you.” he says, your eyes opening as you mumbled back an I love you of your own, your lips meeting in a chaste kiss before he stood back up and slipped out the door.

As much as you would’ve loved to, you didn’t sleep at all after he left. Tom and Adam had made good on their promise to stay quiet, but it didn’t make much of a difference when that little voice in your head wouldn’t shut up. You opted for distracting yourself with your phone, scrolling through instagram and hoping the memes would brighten your mood. For the most part they did, acting as a simple distraction. 

Once you felt a bit better, you decided part of the reason you felt so bad today and last night was partially due to the fact that you hadn’t had anything to eat. You went to the kitchen to prepare yourself lunch, hearing Tom and Adam talking quietly in the other room.

While you were preparing your food you accidentally bumped into a stack of dirty dishes that had built up in the kitchen. You didn’t see what happened and when you turned to check nothing looked broken, but it was loud.

“Y/n?” Tom asks, tilting his head to get a better look into the kitchen.

“Hm?” You respond after a few moments of quiet deliberation. You weren’t exactly ready to be observed as awake, but you didn’t have any other choice, besides blaming it on an intruder who broke in with the intent of stealing the beloved orange tree outside, but when they arrived in the kitchen and were met with such a disgraceful mess decided they had no choice but to clean up after us. Of course, that might have stirred up a bit of a panic. They loved that orange tree, after all.

“Oh you’re finally up. Are you feeling alright? Dom said he thought you maybe came down with something.” Adam says

“I’m alright, thanks for asking. I’m just making myself lunch.”

“Come sit with us while you eat. We’re playing uno.” Tom invites. When you’re done making yourself food, you decide maybe it would be best to join them. It’s not good for your mental health to be stuffed up in your room pitying yourself all day.

You sat with your food in front of you, watching silently as they played.

“You wanna be dealt in the next round? It’s more fun with three players.” Tom offers, you give him a nod in response as your mouth is full of food. As you nod, Adam plays a red six, which ultimately leads to his demise as Tom then plays three red draw 2’s, stopping Adams hand as he goes to pick up and continuing to lay a red skip, then a yellow one, changes the color back to red and ends on his own red 3. You all laughed as Adam was absolutely massacred, almost choking on your lunch.

“There ain’t no coming back from that. Just tap out man.” You say through your laughter, reaching over to place a comforting hand on Adam. You all had small conversation as you finished your lunch, but soon you were done and the cards were passed out.

After a game or two, the round was paused as Adam stood up to get himself a glass of water, Tom and you shouting out your own drink orders from your place in the living room. By the time Adam was back at the table the running conversation had died down a bit. You began to think about why you’d been in bed all day, and the fact that Dom still attributed it to a small sickness. You felt the insecurity growing inside you once again, and you finally decided to talk about it.

“Did you guys like Ashley?” You ask, as inconspicuously as you could manage.  You watch as they glance at each other, taking a sip of your drink to occupy your mouth.

“Yeah, she was cool,” Tom says, Adam nodding in confirmation “Why?”

“Just curious, I guess. Did you guys ever hang out?” You tried to play it off as casual conversation, but you got the feeling they were picking up on the fact that there was something more under the surface.

“Not really. Not without Dom, even then it was rare. Who’s turn was it?” Tom continued, feeding into your curiosity while trying to maintain the card game.

“Yours, I think.” You paused for a moment, thinking of your next question “Do you think she was better for him than I am?” Your eyes met with Tom’s as the words left your mouth. He stayed silent for a moment and you couldn’t tell what the emotion on his face was. It felt weird, confiding in your boyfriend’s friends. Usually you could tell what your friends were thinking, or have an idea about what they might say, but you didn’t know these two like that.

“Like how?” He asked, nodding towards you to silently mention it was your turn.

“I dunno, they have the same career.” they let out a small laugh at that.

“She knows how to play a guitar so she loves him more?” Adam says

“Well, no, but…” you tried to remember what you were anxious about “she gets it. She knows what it's like to be on the road all the time and not see your family, she knows about the mental toll being in the public eye has and how to deal with it, she knows how to help if he’s nervous about performing.”

“What makes you assume that?” Tom asks

“She’s been doing it so long.”

“Well, yeah, but knowing how to do that isn’t a part of the job description. It’s less about knowing how to be famous and more about knowing the person you’re with. If it was about that, most people in Dom’s life don't get it. But we get Dom, and that’s what he cares about. You get him, so you have nothing to worry about.” Tom says softly. He made a surprisingly good therapist. 

You nodded, picking up 4 cards and sorting through them in your hand.

“But that doesn't mean you get to hide in your room cause you’re insecure. Just cause we’re talking about it doesn’t mean you don’t still need to tell him.” Tom continues, his chin resting in his hand as he looks at you.

“Yeah, of course.” You agree

~~~

You could hear Dom the second he walked in the house, engaging in a small conversation with the boys before making his way up the stairs. You heard his footsteps trail down the hallway and eventually meet your bedroom door, your eyes closing as you listened to it creak open.

“Love? Are you up?” Dom whispered, shutting the door softly behind him. You remained silent, trying to regulate your breathing like that of someone who’s asleep. He sighed, which made your heart crumple a bit. You wondered if you should respond, he might’ve had a hard day, but the nerves took over and you remained silent. 

“You’re still sleeping?” He asked, partially to himself, before exiting the room once more. You could hear him talking with Tom from outside the door.

“Has Y/N been asleep all day?”

“Uh, no. She came out and ate lunch and played uno with us around 2. Is she asleep now?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

You planned on talking it out with him, and up until he walked into the house you were, but you were suddenly overcome with intense nerves and all you wanted to do was hide.  You figured you would get a good night's rest and talk it out with him in the morning, that way if it went badly he would be out for most of the day at the studio and you wouldn’t have to sit in awkward silence as you tried to sleep.

He entered the room once again, stripping himself of his clothes as he preferred to sleep half naked, before joining you in bed. You felt his arms wrap around you, pulling you into him and wrapping you both in the blankets. Flipping over to face him, you nuzzled closer into his arms.

“Y/N?” He asks again, shifting to see if you’re awake. You hum in response this time, curious as to what he might have to say.

“Are you feeling better?” He asks, his hand returning to your cheek as it was this morning. You nod, letting out a small, genuine yawn as you nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck.

“How was your day?” You ask, shifting the conversation. 

“It was good. We finally got that song done, I think i’m gonna play with it a bit more tomorrow though. It’s good but I think it could be better.”

“You always think it can be better.”

“It always can.” He states simply, making you smile. You loved that about him, his pure determination and dedication to his craft. It can always be better.

“How was your day? Tom said you guys played a bit of uno, who won?”

“It was alright. Yeah, him and Adam were playing when I came down so I decided to join them. I think overall it was probably Tom though, I think he was cheating.” Dom laughed a little at the claim, brushing his fingers through your mess of a hair.

“So...” You began, needing to get a word out so you wouldn’t bail on talking about this. God, you hated confrontation. Especially when it was about something you were feeling. 

Dom hummed in response, the gentle reminder to continue breaking you out of your thoughts.

“I wasn’t sick today.”

“No?” He encouraged

“No. I was a bit tired though. But, that wasn’t the problem. I was watching youtube last night and I came across a video someone made. It was, like, a compilation of cute moments or whatever so I watched it cause it was cute. Then I watched another, and a few more, and eventually I came across a video that was called ‘Halsey and YUNGBLUD being soulmates for 3 minutes’... and I watched it.” He lets out a small, quiet snort, not entirely catching onto  the vibe of the conversation.

“Jeez, how do they come up with this shit.” He remarked lovingly

“Heh, yeah. It’s just… I watched it and I saw the way you talked about and looked at her… It just got me thinking, yenno?”

“I don’t. What’d it get you thinkin’ about, beautiful?”

“I just felt like maybe you regretted being with me. Maybe you’re still bummed that you guys broke up and you ended up with me. Like maybe you still miss her.” You admit. It’s silent for a moment as he takes it all in, you almost expect him to confirm your suspicions.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I made you feel like that.” He took a moment to think carefully about his next words “I know it must be hard to hear me talk about someone else like that, you can’t really escape my past relationships because of who I am. I honestly never thought of that. I love you, okay? Not anybody else. Obviously she and I had something, but it’s completely in the past and I don’t regret a thing because it led me to you, and I love you so much. You’re my fookin soulmate, I mean it. I’m not gonna let that slip out of your head ever again.” He said, punctuating it with a passionate kiss.

You expected the kiss to end rather quickly, but it didn’t. It kept going, building in intensity as you scooted closer to one another. 

“I love you.” You whisper, breaking the kiss momentarily

“I love you so much, pretty girl” He responds, his hand coming up to hold your jaw.

“Hmm, show me.” You whisper, pulling him closer. His hand slides down your side and onto your thigh as your lips meet again, taking your bottom lip between his teeth and pulling away lightly before indulging in the kiss once again.

Dom’s hands didn’t stay in one place for long, moving about your body as you made out, pausing his actions for a moment to take your shirt off, placing a kiss to each of your breasts before moving his lips up to your neck, leaving little marks for you to find in the morning. A chill ran down your back as he bit down on your ear, his hands massaging your breasts before reaching behind you and unbuckling your bra, throwing it off to the side and shifting his attention to your nipple. Taking it into his mouth, he presses his tongue flat against it as you lie down to give him a better angle.

His tongue flicking against your nipple while his hand plays with your other nipple. He swapped between which he used his mouth on and which he used his hand, making sure to give them both equal attention,  your hands tangling themself into his hair while he did so. When he was satisfied he pulled away, causing you to let out a small whimper as you felt his lips leave you, making their way down your stomach in a series of wet, open mouthed kisses.

When he made it to your underwear he licked a single stripe, taking his his sweet, sweet time. First, kissing his way up one thigh, then back down and ghosting his lips over the area you needed him both, taking a moment to inhale your scent before kissing his way back up the other leg, and right back down. 

“Please.” You whine

“Shh, I’m gonna take care of you, pretty girl.” He hushed, pulling your panties down your legs and glancing up at you as he did so, mimicking your pout before placing a chaste kiss on your clit. You leant your head back, closing your eyes as you waited patiently for him to begin. 

He started off slowly, licking up your slit as he took his time with you. Dom loved to use his tongue anytime he could, you loved it too. When he ate you out, it wasn’t just tongue, he made sure to pay attention to your clit and use his fingers when needed but on nights like tonight, where he really wanted to drive you crazy, he made sure to use a lot of tongue.

“You taste so good, pretty girl.” He whispers, his breath fanning against you, his hands wrapped around your thighs as he lost himself in you, holding you like if he didn’t you would take his meal away. You tried your best to suppress the moans he was pulling out of you, knowing Adam and Tom were just rooms away. The way he was working you left you wishing you had come to him with this sooner. Your hips came up to meet his actions, your hand placed firmly on the back of his head, pushing him as far into you as he could go, eager to meet your release. 

“That’s it, pretty girl, ride daddy’s face. Let daddy show you how much you mean to him.” He hums, taking a moment to catch his breath. You do as you’re told, the request putting you in anything but a bratty mood. You let out a small moan as he continues his actions, your hips setting the pace.

Once again, it started off slow, until you began to work yourself up. Your hand reached down, tangling itself in his hair once again, tugging as you tried to push yourself further down, your hips speeding up while you bite your tongue to keep down the moans that clawed their way up your throat.

You could feel the pressure building up in your stomach, squeaking out to Dom that you were gonna cum before releasing on his tongue. He let you remain there for a minute, riding out your high while he massaged and kissed your thighs. When you had fully come down you move yourself off his face, making your way down to his bulge where you began to unbutton his pants. His hand quickly came down to stop you.

“Tonight’s supposed to be about you.”

“I wanna make you feel good too.” You say, giving him a small pout. He stops to think for a moment before taking off his pants pulling you over him, giving himself a few painfully slow strokes before slipping himself inside of you. Your hips rocked carefully against him, still sensitive from your last orgasm. His hands continued to massage your hips as you found your pace, finding it harder and harder to remain silent.

“You’re so beautiful, pretty girl. Daddy loves to watch you bounce on his cock.” Dom growls, his hips coming up to meet yours, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room, you give up on holding back your moans at this point as it’s already very obvious to anyone in the house what's happening upstairs. 

The bed was creaking, your skin  slapping together as he thrust into you, unable to cease the  loud moans falling past your lips. Your legs began to shake as you approached your second release. Dom pulls you close, holding you, the gentle gesture in sharp contrast with the way he’s pounding away at you.

“Please can I cum.” You whimper

“One moment,” he interrupted himself with a groan “I wanna cum with ya, love.”

You held on as best you could, melting into his grasp as he worked towards finishing himself off. Soon after he growled a barely audible “Cum.” signifying his release. You moaned against each other, Dom pulling you closer as close wasn’t close enough. He maintained his actions, riding through your orgasm with one hand in your hair and the other lovingly stroking your thigh.

“Daddy’s got you babygirl.” He whispers into your ear, hushing you as you come down from your high.

When you finally felt well enough to sit up, your muscles hurt from the strain so you and Dom decided to have a bath.

He got up to run the bath water just the way you liked it and insisted on carrying you there, because ‘You’re hurtin’ so you can’t walk.’

You didn’t mind, though, laying your head on his shoulder as he carried you princess style into the bathroom. Luckily, the boys were in their rooms with the doors closed, presumably to suppress some of the noise.

The warm watered soothed your aching as you sat with Dom behind you, his wet hands stroking your arms with his head buried in your neck while he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

After that night, you didn’t think you’d ever question your relationship with Dom again.

[scatterpatter]

Some long-overdue rants about Dp/Dr

Man this post was years in the making. Most dpdr posts I make tend to be pretty lighthearted in nature mostly to cope and shit but like. It’s a disorder at the end of the day and boy howdy do I have some frustrations after coming out of one of my longest/worst spells I’ve had in a long time

cw for mental illness, dissociation, negativity(largely directed at the self), ptsd, etc etc etc, seriously you aint missing out by scrolling past I just want this out of my head and somewhere tangible

MAN FUCK DP/DR. ALL MY HOMIES HATE DP/DR.

I am. So fuckin sick of it. I am so god damn sick that my main response to trauma and stressors is to literally step outside of my own goddamn body and/or step into a distorted reality because my brain is that desperate to get out of this one, if only a short time

I’m so sick of how fucking invisible it is, and how invisible it makes me feel. I know it’s a good thing that I can act so much like myself that people don’t suspect a thing(or at worst, think I’m just tired or a lil sick), but also I just want to feel fucking sseeeeeeeen. It frustrates me to such a goddamn degree that sometimes I wish my abusers left physical scars, at least then someone, anyone, could see evidence of what i went through time after fucking time. And yesssss before anyone fuckin says it I know its not healthy to have wished for physical trauma on top of everything else but when a goddamn cycle of emotional abuse gets ingrained in you time after time after fuuuucking time, you kinda start to wish someone could see your struggle as more than just “Oh he’s ~sensitive~ haha what a baby.” And yessssss the whole point of it is so that I can socially blend in even when my mind has totally checked out, the point of it is to be invisible, but that doesnt make it any less frustrating

I’m so sick of having to rely on my dissociative spells as much as I do. I gave some of the different states I find myself in names, faces, hell even slight personality differences because Im just that desperate to be comforted even if it has to come from myself, to make the spells less scary, to put names and faces to what Im going through. I want to be grateful for them, after all in a sense I sort of made them and they’re only trying to protect me but I don’t want to need them. I don’t want to put someone who only vaguely resembles me into my body and in control over my words and actions, but I don’t exactly have a say in the manner and it’s comforting and frustrating all at once

I’m sick of the memory fog. I’m sick of having a memory of something mere hours ago but it feeling like weeks ago. My memories while dissociating make me feel like I was drunk and on the edge of blackout drunk- and people wonder why I avoid drinking most of the time. Time moves distortedly and I’m just tired of having to lay on the floor for what feels like 5 minutes only for 2 hours to pass. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep in the middle of an absolute breakdown, only to wake up the next morning an entirely different person, only vague recollections of that breakdown surfacing as if it were just a dream

I’m so so so sick of it getting harder and harder to tell the difference between my dreams, my intrusive thoughts, and reality

I’m fuckin sick of having to put a wall up before most social interactions. Having to either go into an interaction already-dissociating or having that dissociative spell on standby ready to go the second things go wrong because things always go wrong. Either I say something- even if its personal- and am just- wrong. In one way or another what Im doing is wrong and needs to be corrected. It’s either that, or it’s me saying something stupid and getting laughed at/made fun of because ~Haha Scatter always says something stupid and funny~, or it’s me saying something that gets taken in such the opposite manner in which I meant to say something that I’m left there in that empty shell of my projection of self just wondering how I’m being so misinterpreted- do I really come across as that vicious and vile as a person? Everyone always agrees so it must be true but what is it that I do thats so different from everyone else that I’m always seen as this bad??? It’s. Always. Something. I can’t remember the last social interaction I’ve had where at least one person doesn’t call me out for doing something wrong. And it’s. So. Tiring. To be in a position where no matter what I do it’s always wrong in one way or another but I have no choice but to put Damien behind the wheel and just take it because who am I to say that they’re wrong? I cant remember the last time any of my friends have seen the real me, so who am I to say that isnt who I am. That’s not even me. It’s just a projection of myself that acts in a way I think people will like but in one way or another I always get it wrong and it’s always so quick and so sudden to be told how wrong I always am.

I’m sick of Roy being right. I’m so sick of his logic that, the less we talk to people, the less they make fun of us. And then I go into an interaction where speaking or even typing is so physically hard. Where I feel so incredibly muted. But at the end of the day I come out of that interaction and all I can think of was how right Roy was. It doesn’t stop entirely, but it does lessen the amount of times people call me out or make fun of me and it only incentivizes him to take that approach more and more often. It’s confirmation bias and I haaaate that. I’m so sick that I have a game I call “How long can I not engage with someone telling me how awful I am before they finally drop it” and not only is it a game I have to play more often than I like to admit but it’s a game that works.

I’m sick of Damien stepping in to take the emotional blow. But of course he would, why wouldn’t he??? It’s so, so much easier to take everything thrown at you when it’s not you anymore. They’re not making fun of me anymore, they’re making fun of someone who’s not here. Someone who’s not me. I know my new years resolution was to feel like a real person again but its so, so hard to actively work towards that goal when it’s so, so, so much easier to not be a person

I’m sick of Hyde stepping in to try and be me to the best of his ability but at the end of the day, he’s acting like nothing’s wrong just as much as I am. It’s frustrating that when he speaks, it’s often not even fully in my dialogue, there’s usually some vocal quirk or something in there and it scares me because I don’t want people to notice. It’s like cracks in ice, cracks in my facade, and it risks shattering if someone draws too much attention to it. But he can’t be a perfect replica of me, and I can’t fault him for that. How is anyone supposed to do a perfect impression of someone who’s happy, who’s always there to be that emotional support, who’s the strong one, if the real one is busing having a panic attack or just shutting down entirely???

I’m just tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face I should recognize but I don’t

I’m just so. Fucking. Tired.

I’m not even tired of having dp/dr honestly. I’m just tired at how much im required to use it. My abusers are long gone, I havent seen any of them in years, they’re not here to hurt me anymore, I shouldnt need these coping mechanisms anymore, but I just. Keep finding myself in situation after situation where the cycle has to continue and I just keep needing my dissociative spells. Even if they’re not here anymore, constant situations occur that reinforces everything they did to me and it just. It just frustrates me that something so invisible is what keeps me alive, and it’s endlessly tiring.

And it’s not like I’m not trying! It’s not like I’m not trying to be a better person, and trying to actually love myself and see the value in myself after so many years of being told time and time again the opposite, but it’s just an uphill battle and it’s hard and it’s tiring. And I want to believe when someone tells me I’m loved by my loved ones, but like... honestly it’s just. Hard to believe that when not only is every interaction negative towards me in one way or another, but the person they’ve come to recognize as “me” isn’t even me. And if that ghost of me is as horrible as I’m always told they are, imagine what they’d do if they saw the actual me.

I just wanna throw up tbh

Can you tell this post went from angry to just. Tired??? Idk man if you’ve made it this far then thanks for sticking around. I just. Had a spell that lasted nearly the entire holiday weekend and it ended in an absolute breakdown that I barely even remember, which i guess is for the better. Im just tired of dp/dr being as needed as it is for me. Idk. Bottom text.

[jalapeno-princess]

Cyber Sex

Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 5.6K

Genre: Fluffy ass smut 

Warning: Masturbation, fingering, dirty talk, cussing, breast play

Summary: Your boyfriend Mark is currently in Japan for a conference and seeing you wearing nothing but his shirt leads to fingering yourself to his commands.

A/N: Based on the song “Cyber Sex” by Doja Cat. I am so excited for their comeback, I’m broke as a fucking joke but it’s fine. I’m FINE. Happy reading.

I wanna touch on you You see me in my room Wish you were here right now All of the things I'd do I wanna get freaky on camera I love when we get freaky on camera

The word tired wasn’t even enough to describe exactly how you were feeling right now. You were exhausted beyond belief to say the least. Being a full time college student; majoring in both criminal justice and journalism on top of having a full time job at one of the most prestigious and reputable law firms in your state wasn’t the most ideal situation, but you made it work. Well, for the most part. 

Your mental health these days has been at an all time low; you were being overworked to the point where you were afraid you could suffer from either a mental breakdown or panic attack at the rate you were headed. Unfortunately, the only person who knew how to keep you from completely reaching the brink of insanity was currently thousands of miles away from you. Your boyfriend of over three years—Mark; was in Japan for a very important conference that the company he was working for sent him on in order to represent his department. 

Although he was the youngest in his career field; Mark knew exactly what to say and do to build partnerships and to gain the trust of many other company shareholders. Your boyfriend was quite the charmer; sometimes you did grow jealous when you’d observe how some of his colleagues and a few of his clients would look at him in such a way that you thought only you were allowed to. 

As much as you wanted to be upset with the women who were bold enough to ask him out even if they knew he was in a relationship, you couldn’t really blame them for finding him attractive and attempting to make a move on him. Mark was the definition of a sight for sore eyes. He was gorgeous and exceedingly handsome—however, Mark was way more than just a pretty face, a well-defined and extremely toned body and a deep, raspy voice that never failed to get you groveling at your knees. 

He was extremely kind and generous to every single person he’s ever met in his life. You always considered him to be somewhat of an angel; an ethereal being here on earth because there was no way someone who was both ridiculously breathtaking on the outside was just as wonderful on the inside. Sometimes, you felt as if he deserved better than you. From a very young age, you never thought much about yourself; you didn’t care all too much about the way you looked, you didn’t consider yourself smart, funny nor did you have any impressive talent. 

However, Mark never failed to make you feel as if you were the most beautiful creature he has ever laid his eyes on. He reminded you both physically and verbally on a daily basis that he loved you more than anyone and anything on this he’ll forsaken earth. You were his person, his soulmate—the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. You don’t know what it was that you did in your past life to be the lucky person to call him your boyfriend, but you would do it again and again if it meant having him in each and every lifetime. 

It was hard having to be away from him every now and then—especially on the days when you felt as if the entire world was against you for not doing anything right. Deep down, you knew you were doing the best you can but it was as if your best wasn’t good enough for other people. Since Mark was a day ahead but six hours behind, you were sure he had to be busy attending a convention or going over his notes to prepare for meetings he had mentioned to you a couple of times in the last week. 

As much as you wanted to call him just to hear his voice; even if it were just for a few minutes, you didn’t want to bother him. He had other things to worry about—the stress and frustration caused by your responsibilities would only worry him and you knew he didn’t need that. You made your way in to the bathroom and started getting ready to go to sleep. You wiped off any trace of makeup from your face, brushed your teeth and took off your clothes before throwing on one of Mark’s shirts. 

Right as you were about to throw yourself in to the comfort of your bed, you heard your phone sound off on the night stand and because you had a huge feeling it was Mark trying to get in touch with you, you practically flung yourself across the threshold and reached for your phone while flopping down on your sheets.

Babe: Hey, you didn’t let me know if you got home. Are you alright? Can we FaceTime? I miss seeing your pretty face so much. 11:27 P.M.

Whatever exhaustion you felt from earlier immediately disappeared; the want and need to talk to your boyfriend was far stronger than any amount of tiredness you felt. You got up and grabbed your laptop—preferring to look at him on a bigger screen since your vision wasn’t all that great from taking out your contacts. He was quick to answer before the first ring and you could feel your chest warm up at the sight of him. 

No matter what he wore, he always seemed to take your breath away. Whether it was a flannel and some skinny jeans or just a pair of grey sweats when the two of you would lounge around your shared apartment—a blush would always seem to rise on your cheeks just because he was so annoyingly attractive. However, seeing him in a suit; looking extremely classy with his hair pulled back so you could see the entirety of his handsome face made your stomach sore in the best way. God, why did he have to be thousands of miles away from you? 

“Baby!” You gave him a soft smile and sat up properly in order to get a better look at him. 

“Hey—are you right about to go in to a meeting or something? You look very handsome babe.” He gave you his infamous cheeky grin—one he always flashed whenever you would compliment him. Mark, even at the prime age of twenty-seven could still get so shy and flustered at the smallest little things. Especially whenever you would go in to detail about his charming features or how his cute little butt always looked good in a pair of slacks. 

He scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment before biting his lip. You were soon growing envious at the thought of how many women got to see him looking like a Greek-God while in his element. Although you have only seen a few videos of the speeches he would give at conventions and conferences, you observed just how confident he was when it came to his craft. When it came to talking with other people—sometimes even when the two of you would go out to dinner with your parents, he was always so timid and soft spoken. 

Yet, he seemed to change in to a completely different person in environments where he was meant to persuade clients in to buying stocks with his company. You couldn’t help but find it cute whenever he would act flustered around you—especially because in the bedroom and behind close doors, he was the complete opposite of shy. 

“Oh—uh, thanks. I actually just came back from a luncheon. It was boring as hell and honestly I didn’t hear a thing anyone had to say, I was too busy thinking of you. God, I hate having to attend these fucking conferences—I mean I love traveling; it’s not like we can really go around anyway and even if we could, I’d use all my free time talking to you. I hate any moment spent without you baby. Tell me about your day; how was work? Did you finally take that exam you’ve been studying for these last two weeks—oh shit. I didn’t realize what time it was there, I’m sorry baby. You must be tired, I can call you back tomorrow—“ 

You waved your hand out at him signaling that it was okay. Even if you had to be up in less than five hours, you were perfectly fine with the idea of getting no sleep at all tonight if it meant talking to your favorite person until the sun rose. 

“It’s fine Mark. I miss you too—so much. I can always message my professor and tell her I’m sick if I’m not feeling up to attending class tomorrow. Work was work; tiring and frustrating as it always is and school is well—school. Nothing new. I want to hear about you though—“

“We’ll get to me later baby. It hurts knowing that you’re going through something—I’m sure there’s more to it that you’re not telling me. I hate that you suffer by yourself and it’s even harder when I’m away and I can’t hold you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. But it will be and you know why? Because you have me. I got you y/n. You know you can always run to me—confide in me. That’s what I’m here for. To help carry your burden with you. I’m sure you’re well aware that I want nothing more than to carry your problems in your place. I would do anything just to make you happy—I hope you know that. I probably don’t say it as often as I should, but fuck—I just want to give you the whole world; the entire universe because it’s what you deserve.” 

You could feel the tears brimming at your eyelids and if he was there with you, you would probably playfully shove him for making you cry with his sweet words before leaving chaste kisses all over his face. One thing you admired about your boyfriend, on top of the infinite amount of other things was his way with words. Mark preferred to show you through his actions rather than tell you with his words exactly what you meant to him but when he did speak up about his feelings, your heart would combust in to a million different pieces. 

He even wrote you a couple of letters filled with love and adoration because he wanted to remind you when he wasn’t around that you were all he could ever want and need for the rest of his life. The two of you talked for around half an hour until you found yourself re-positioning yourself when your leg got a cramp for sitting on it too long. You didn’t think anything of it, but as soon as you fixed yourself, you were quick to notice how Mark’s jaw was now clenched as he began grazing his teeth along his bottom lip. 

You’ve been with him long enough to know what his ministrations and movements meant; those two in particular usually meant that he was either uncomfortable or horny. But you didn’t understand how he could be either; he was fine just a few seconds ago—why was he looking as if he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. 

“Hey Mark, everything okay?”

“Is that my shirt?” 

You looked down at his black champion tee that was practically swallowing you whole, just like most of his clothes that you’d find yourself wearing every now and then. He never failed to rave about how sexy you looked in his clothes and sometimes he didn’t have the willpower to let it stay on you for all too long before ripping it off and showing you the effect that seeing you in any of his clothes would do for him. 

Your hair was a mess, there were bags under your eyes and your lips were chapped from not feeling the need to moisturize them; so you didn’t feel like you were at all ravishing or attractive in any way. Surely, seeing you in his shirt couldn’t be the reason why he was riled up all of a sudden—could it? 

“Oh, yeah. I was so exhausted I just grabbed the closest item of clothing near the sink. Is there something wrong? It smells good. Just like you—wait, is it dirty? Did you not wash it yet? I can go change—“

“No no—shit—can you lean back or something? I want to see you, full body.” 

You did as you were told and pushed your computer further away from where you were sitting before moving back just a little in order for him to get a better look at you. It wasn’t till you saw him gulp as a whimper fell from the back of his throat did you know exactly what was going on. 

“Mark—“

“Fuck—you look so fucking breathtaking Y/n—so damn sexy—don’t get me wrong, you always look so beautiful. But when you’re in one of my shirt it’s just—why the fuck am I in Japan right now this is bullshit.” 

A soft giggle fell from your lips; whenever Mark would get horny, that was when he was the most vocal about his emotions. He was extremely vulgar and his words were always so dirty; so naughty. It was funny listening to him talk on the phone to his boss or a couple of his colleagues knowing just how filthy and lewd he could be during your love making sessions. Your boyfriend was the definition of dominant. 

There were a few occasions where he would allow you to take charge—when you would dominate him, you would put all your effort and energy in to driving him to the brink of insanity. The older boy didn’t know what he preferred; edging you until you would beg for him to let you cum, or being tied up to the bed while you ride him at an exceedingly quickened pace. You could feel the warmth building in between your thighs at his words on top of the frustration that he wasn’t there to help you with the forming orgasm you were now completely aware of. 

“You know babe, now that you’ve mentioned it—I do feel pretty warm in here. Maybe I should take this off.” 

You decided to mess with him; knowing that he was probably suffering and trying to hide the fact that he was definitely hard as a rock right now. His shirt was gently thrown to the side of the bed and soon your breasts were on full display for him. Watching his jaw drop at the sight of your bare chest only made you want to continue putting on a show for him. Slowly, you brought your hands up and cupped both your breasts in your hands—massaging and kneading your mounds all but gently before bringing your nipples in between your fingers and twisting them. 

Breast play had to be one of your favorite forms of foreplay; specifically because Mark—well, the asshole was good at every single thing he did. Sports, cooking and baking, education, singing, cracking unsolved mysteries and blowing your mind in more ways than one. His fingers; they had to be the prettiest fingers you’ve ever seen on someone before and you weren’t being biased because he was your boyfriend. 

Mark had such long, skinny fingers and he knew exactly how to use them. His hands were almost double the size of yours—yet your hands fit perfectly together as if you were made for one another. Although you were very insecure about your body, no matter how many times Mark practically worshipped it and reminded you how he loved every single one of your body parts; especially your face, breasts, thighs and ass, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t confident in your boobs. Honestly, your breasts were one of the only parts that you genuinely liked about yourself. 

Sometimes, you would wear certain tops that showed enough cleavage to get a rise out of your boyfriend and every single time, you did. Mark looked as if his eyes were about to pop out of his head and you had to stifle back a few moans from how good it felt. No matter how much you were enjoying this; playing with yourself in front of your boyfriend, you knew it would feel so much better if he was the one doing it to you. 

“Fuck Y/n, you’re going to be the death of me. Shit—what I wouldn’t give to be the one fondling your pretty titties. Fuck—just wait till I get home princess. I’m gonna suck the shit out of them; you’re going to regret this. You’re so beautiful—I can’t get over how gorgeous you are. You’re really going to kill me.” You gave him a smirk and playfully brought your bottom lip in between your teeth. “Mmm—Mark—feels so good—“

“I bet it does baby—you look so ethereal—twisting your perky nipples like that. But I’m sure it doesn’t feel as nice as it would if it were me. Shit y/n—I want to titty fuck you so badly right now. I swear, it’s like your breasts get bigger whenever I’m away. Should I show you just how crazy you’re driving me right now?” 

You immediately nodded in agreement; the desire to see Mark’s cock was seeping through your veins. You didn’t care if you came off too eager or too excited; it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve seen your boyfriend and even longer since he was buried balls deep inside of you. Sex wasn’t a huge deal in your relationship—well, it was both yours and Mark’s favorite physical activity, but unlike other couples, you cared about other forms of intimacy just as much as you did making love. 

Mark was a huge fan of cuddling, spooning and holding hands. Your boyfriend was extremely clingy and overprotective whenever it came to you; but that was just apart of his nature. He wasted no time in yanking off his slacks; the outline of his cock was prominent against his grey briefs. You could feel your mouth water at the sight; to some people, penises were very ugly, but something about Mark’s always had you on your knees—begging for him to shove it down your throat. His girth was long and extremely thick. As soon as he took off his underwear, you suddenly stopped your movements and eagerly leaned forward to get a better look at him. 

“Someone’s excited.”

“That’s the understatement of the year. I could cum right now just at the sight of your tits alone. Fuck—you’re the one who caused this painful ass erection baby, I wish you were the one who would solve it.” He spit on his hand and brought the saliva down to the tip of his cock; he lubricated himself and you could feel your breath hitch when he let out a soft moan. 

“Babe—fuck Mark, there’s nothing more I want than to suck you off—“ If this were under different circumstances, you were sure he’d let out a snarky chuckle like he normally would every time you made it clear that you wanted to blow him; or if you wanted sex. You were always so soft spoken; so modest and you hardly ever were vocal when it came to voicing your desires. 

You were more of the type to mess around with him; gliding your hands gently along his thigh, palming him through his pants and even hovering over his lap; grinding yourself against his dick while leaving wet kisses against the juncture of his neck. Whether it was because you were extremely turned on or because it’s been a while since you and your boyfriend were intimate, but sometime came over you and you felt yourself wanting to take over of this cyber sex session.

“Mark—close your eyes baby. I want to take care of you. Pretend I’m there with you and do as I say. Grab the bottom of your cock; bring your thumb along the vein and slowly pump yourself.” 

Watching the veins on his neck grow made it adamant that he was enjoying your dominance and you used that to your advantage. He let out a very faint whine; you wouldn’t have heard it if you weren’t giving him your full attention and you were well aware that if you were to touch yourself, you’d be soaking at this point. 

“Circle your thumb around your tip, and graze the slit as gently as possible. God Mark—I’ll purchase a ticket to Tokyo right now just to wrap my mouth around your cock.” This earned you a mixture of a laugh and a cough and you found yourself laughing along with him. 

“Is that a promise? We can put this on pause and I’ll buy one for you; you don’t even need to pack a thing. All I need is you—keep talking like that and you’re going to lose your voice once I get home. I know I keep saying this, but it’s because it’s true and I can’t get over it—you’re so fucking sexy. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but just know that I love you; with every breath I take and every single beat of my heart. I love you more than I will ever be able to express to you in words. As much as I want to continue going in to depth about the love I have for you, you can’t be having all the fun here. Take off your underwear y/n—I can’t believe you’re wearing that one. How did I forget to take it with me? I remembered to sneak the matching bra in my suitcase—“

“So that’s where it went, I’ve been looking for it since you left—weirdo.”

“Hey, you have your kinks and I have mine. Now—take off your panty and do as I say.” 

With a quick roll of your eyes, you stripped yourself free of your red thong and flung it across of the room. It was probably a mess now with all your pieces of clothing lying around, but you didn’t care. There was a flame burning in your core that you wanted to hurry up and get around to reaching your release. This wasn’t the first time the two of you had sex over webcam; but you felt as if this time would be different from your past experiences. 

Not only did you miss your boyfriend terribly, but you’ve been daydreaming about the last time the two of you made love the night before he left and you could still feel the way his cock stretched out your walls. Your fingers absentmindedly made their way down to your entrance; you brought your index and your middle finger in your mouth and sucked on them before returning them back down to your folds. 

“Fuck—fuck, fuck—such a pretty little mouth and an even prettier pussy. Tell me baby—who does that pussy belong to? Tell me while you drag your digits along your core y/n.” 

You traced your fingers back and forth along your entrance; gathering some of your essence on your fingers and bringing them back to your mouth. During most of your sexual activities—Mark, whether it would be when he would finger you or when he would eat you out, would have you taste yourself so you were well aware why he was so addicted to the way your pussy tasted. 

Although you were a big fan of giving him blow jobs, Mark was a professional at giving head. He ate your pussy like it was a delicacy and he was very vocal about how pleasuring you brought him equal amounts of pleasure himself. Next to fucking your tits and ramming himself inside of you, he loved going down on you. On the days that work was extremely stressful, or your classes were bombarding you with too many assignments; Mark would take care of you—either making you dinner or ordering your favorite food, preparing you a bubble bath, and sucking the life out of your pussy in order to take your mind off of your many frustrations. 

You sucked your fingers dry of all your pre-cum and let out a loud pop before returning them back to their previous position. Multiple swears and wanton moans left Mark’s mouth as he continued to guide his hand back and forth along his cock all the while watching you shove your fingers inside of your cunt. It felt amazing; anytime the two of you were intimate—even on the days you were both exhausted beyond belief and just gave each other oral to both reach your highs, you could never get over the feeling of ecstasy and euphoria that came over you every time Mark would bring you to heaven with his tongue. 

It was in that moment that you realized the last time you kissed him was almost a month ago. If your schedule wasn’t so hectic, you probably would have went with your boyfriend. The two of you were like magnets; everywhere you went, people could expect Mark to follow no matter where it was. Most boyfriends would get bored having to wait outside while their girlfriends went shopping, but Mark would follow you around to each and every store; he even gave his opinion on what he thought would look good on you and what he would love to rip off of you. 

To your dismay, he would pay for everything even against your many complaints but like he said, he just wanted to make you happy. He felt bad that he had to travel all around the world a lot, so he felt like he wanted to buy you a couple of things to make up for being absent every so often. 

There were days your boyfriend contemplated on quitting his job and finding one that didn’t require him to leave all the time; but this job had amazing benefits and because he was still so young, yet had a position that most of his coworkers twenty years his senior haven’t even experienced before, he knew he wouldn’t be able to find a job even half as good as the one he had now. But he would give it all up and even work as a barista or a cashier in a grocery store if it meant being able to see you, kiss you, hold you and go to bed with you in his arms every single day. 

“Damnit y/n—ahhh—you’re such a goddess—my pretty petal—pump yourself harder baby. Faster—tell me how it feels. Grab your clit and twist it in between your fingers; I bet you’re like the Pacific Ocean right now. I’m sure you’re just as tight as you are wet baby. Keep going. Pretend it’s me; burying my long fingers in that tight cunt of yours. I can just picture how good you feel clenching around me. Flick your clit; ugh, I miss nibbling on it and taking it in between my teeth. I miss the way you would tighten your thighs around my head—and don’t even get me started on how much I miss whenever you would ride my face. I don’t think I can handle being away from you much longer y/n—it’s not even just because I miss fucking you—I mean I do—God do I miss railing the shit out of you—but I miss you. So much. I miss seeing your contagious smile that I’m sure could cure cancer, and your laugh that never fails to light up an entire room. I miss your lips and how they meld perfectly against mind. I miss looking at your beautiful eyes and the way you tell a story with them. I miss being the cause of the blush on your cheeks. I can’t wait to finally finish here and come back home to you. Just a couple more days baby then I’m all yours okay. Have I ever told you how grateful I am that you’re so patient? Thank you for waiting for me y/n—I—love you—“ 

You could feel tears brimming at the corner of your eyelids. Although you were just moments away from coming on your fingers, his words tugged on your heartstrings. Sure, he texted you every single day and told you that he would much rather be home with you; sat in between your legs and leaning his head against your chest while he played video games—but it was so heartwarming hearing him describe every single thing he missed about you. 

“I miss you too Mark—I would do anything for you. I’ll wait for however long you need me to my love. I love you—I hope you know that you’re the only good thing I’ve got going for me. I don’t care what happens in the future; I just really want you in it.” 

The two of you continued your movements; you quickened your pace; you could feel yourself getting closer and closer to your release. Your fingers felt so amazing being clenched by your velvety walls and you were actually doing really well with picturing that it was Mark fingering you. His movements were just as relentless and he even began fondling his balls. He tilted his head back and the sight made you whimper at how erotic it was. His neck; along with everything else on his body was long and you could still faintly see a couple of the love-bites you left on his collarbone. Before you knew it, you felt a sticky substance on your fingers and allowed yourself to come on your digits before releasing an embarrassingly loud moan. 

“Holy shit—that was so fucking hot. Suck your fingers for me baby—help me reach my release—shit, shit, shit—“ 

His semen squirted out in rapid spurts and you were upset that you weren’t able to feel him fill you up to the hilt with his warm, creamy liquid. His hair clung to his forehead as sweat dripped down the sides of his cheek. You were sure if you were to look in the mirror, your hair would be just as tousled and your cheeks would be flushed. 

The two of you spent a couple moments in comfortable silence; both coming down from your highs. He took a little while longer to come to his senses and you used this time to look at him in awe of just how breathtaking he was. This was a common occurrence right after the two of you finished your love making sessions; you would bask in each other’s presence and sometimes if you were still up for it, the two of you would talk until one of you would finally let sleep take over. Once you were both settled down, you gave him a soft smile and flopped on to the bed. 

“Honestly, I think I’m going to get a good nights rest now. Thank you baby, that was wonderful. I’m sure I would have came faster if it was your cock inside of me, but that was a good distraction nonetheless.” He beamed at you. 

“No, thank you. That was mind blowing as always y/n. I can’t wait until I have you in my arms—and on my cock. I love watching you as you cum—I wish you could see what I see, your expression when you reach your orgasm is so fucking tantalizing. I plan on having you the entire day when I come back home, so just be ready baby. Wait—you’re not going to bed naked are you—“

“Oh—I wasn’t planning to, but now that I know it’s probably going drive you insane—“

“You wouldn’t dare—fuck—just wait until I get my hands on you—“

You gave him a sultry smirk and began running your fingers in between the valley of your breasts. “Hmmm, I might just take the day off just to touch myself. Might even walk around the place naked. Too bad my boyfriend isn’t here to fuck me up against the balcony or up against the fridge—“ 

The growl that came from the back of his throat did not go unnoticed to you and you found the coil in your tummy tightening again. Only Mark Tuan could get you horny again minutes after getting you to come on your fingers. Even if he repeatedly called you sexy almost fifteen minutes ago; you felt like that word didn’t do him justice. 

“That’s it—I’m telling my supervisor I need to come home. Tonight. I’m gonna kiss the shit out of you then fuck the shit out of you.” 

You weren’t sure if he was just saying that in the heat of the moment, but you were soon growing excited at the thought of finally being wrapped in his embrace again. As much as you wanted to keep up the sexual banter; you came to the realization that Mark was only half naked. His dress shirt was soaked with sweat and his tie was flipped around the other way. He looked at you in confusion once you bursted in to a fit of laughter. 

“What’s so funny?”

“I hope you packed a few other dress shirts; you have cum stains all over the bottom.” He released a frustrated grunt before sticking his tongue out at you. 

“They’re all in my dirty laundry pile. I was planning on using this one for the rest of the week. See, even the more reason to come home tonight. I expect you on your hands and knees once I get home. As fun as it was watching you fuck yourself with your fingers through webcam, nothing compares to seeing the real thing in person. I think it’s time you go to bed, you’re going to need all the energy you can get for what I have in mind for the both of us. Sweet dreams baby, I’ll see you real soon.”

[1a-imagines]

Their first time cuddling with you.

Request: love what you've done so far. may I request the fluffy feel scenarios of first cuddles for our top boys Izuku, Todo, and Kat. first try at cuddling can be so awkward and just precious despite being a weird new experience

characters: Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki.

Midoriya:

Ok something was definately wrong here.

You and Midoriya had been relaxing and watching some old hero videos online after a hard day of training. You both wanted to relax for the night but everytime you got too close to him he would completely shy away from you.

For example, when you had shuffled closer to him to see the screen better he had ended up shuffling away. You noticed his behaviour but figured it was probably nothing and when you shuffled closer again. It wasn't until he shuffled away yet again that you got suspicious. This same thing repeated until he ended up falling off the couch.

"I think I'll just stay down here." He chuckled nervously, which only made you more confused. He would rather sit on the floor than next to you?

The second incident happened after you convinced him to get up off the floor and sit beside you again. You had went to hold his hand but he moved it to grab his drink of the coffee table and instead of putting it back down once he was finished, he just kept it in both his hands. You suddenly felt as though he was doing this on purpose and it was worrying you.

It was getting old and making you really self conscious. You had asked if he was ok but he just froze up and denied that anything was wrong.

You knew him better than that though. Something was definately on his mind. You didn't question it further, not wanting to make things even more uncomfortable than they already were.

An hour later you two had decided to finish the videos some other time. It was really late. You hadn't noticed the time flying by, your mind was too preoccupied with worrying for your boyfriend.

You felt too tired to move off the couch and go to your room, you contemplated just sleeping here for the night. You tried to fight against your eyes, in hopes they would stay open but you weren't winning. You let out a small yawn and went to rest your head onto Midoriya's shoulder when he noticed you getting closer again, He shot up to dodge it but he only ended up hitting the side of your face with his shoulder and you hissed out in pain.

"Ow!"

"Oh my goodness! (Y/n)! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!" He knelt down in front of you, his face full of worry. He had completely forgotten about everything else and now only felt guilty for hurting you. He couldn't see your face properly because your hair was been covering your eyes but the sight only made him worry more.

You rubbed your now sore cheek with your free hand, a frown etched onto your lips. Had you done something wrong? Did he already not want to be with you anymore? Was being near you that awful to him?

Midoriya almost jumped back when he heard you sniffle. Had he made you cry? Did he hurt you that bad? His heart was beating so fast it made him feel sick. He reached forward and shakily grabbed your hand, causing you to finally look up at him. You eyes were glossy from the tears building up in them. "I'm so so sorry (y/n) I-if it hurts too much we can get you some ice-"

"That's not why I'm upset..." You muttered, drying your eyes with you sleeve, none of the tears had spilled, luckily, so you wouldn't end up with tear stained cheeks at least.

"You've been avoiding me all day. Did I do something wrong? Do you not like being near me anymore?" The question had completely caught the boy off guard. Sure it was obvious he had been avoiding your touches lately but he didn't think you'd assume it was because of anything you did and especially not because he didn't want to be near you. He took a deep breath and sat back down next to you.

"Of course you didn't do anything wrong, and it's not that I don't want to- c-c-cuddle you. O-or h-hold your hand. I do want to! I just... this is all really new to me and I don't want to mess it up."

You blinked a few times at his confession, feeling completely dumbfounded. "Th-thats why?" You chuckled softly, feeling a little better that it wasn't for the reasons you had thought. "H-hey! Don't laugh at me.." Midoriya tensed up a little as his cheeks flushed red.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just- how on earth could you mess up cuddling with someone?"

"I-i-i- well- what if I'm not comfortable, or what if I'm not warm enough? What if you dont like it? What if-" he got cut off when you rested your head onto his shoulder. This time without getting an injury. He sat there, still tensed up but shyly placed a hand around your waist. Trying his best to sink into it. You both leaned back to get more comfortable, and after a few minutes, the awkwardness eventually passed and you both started to find each others warmth had a soothing affect. You were so comfortable curled up into his side, your arms wrapped around his torso, he had one hand around your waist and the was playing with your hair. It didn't take long before you both began to fall asleep cuddled up to each other.

"This is nice. Let's do it more often." Midoriya muttered in a sleepy daze. You grinned when he tightened his hold on you.

"Definately."

Bakugou:

"I can't believe those jerks! I mean- I try so hard to become a better hero and yet all my family can say is. "You could do better." As if I'm not even trying! I know I have a lot to live up to but it's not fair! No matter how hard I try They always find something I'm doing wrong-!"

The blond let out an irritated sigh as he sank further into his bed. You two had been hanging out in his dorm room when he noticed something wasn't right with you. You had been silent for the most part and so that caused him ask you what was wrong.

But now he slightly regretted it because you had been pacing back and forth, ranting, for a good hour now. At first it started with you yelling about not doing so good on a test despite all your hard studying and then it went to your family life and how they don't appreaciate a single thing you do. Don't get him wrong, at first he was upset and pissed for you when he heard what your family had been saying. He felt bad you had been working so hard and not getting anywhere. Hell, he had even tried to comfort you but he couldn't get a word in edge wise. You didn't even take a moment to breath and it was starting to piss him off.

He was almost certain if he got up and left the room You wouldn't even notice. You were too busy letting off all that steam you had apparently been holding in.

His crimson eyes followed you around his room and he felt a small tug on his heart when he realised just how much you had been keeping to yourself. You looked about ready to have a mental breakdown. Tears threatening to spill, your cheeks red with anger and fists clenched up tightly. He didn't realise how bad you had it, you had always acted so happy. Like nothing was wrong with you. He never would've guessed you had been carrying all this stress with you this whole time.

He knew you weren't going to let him get a word in so instead he opted for grabbing you by your wrist and pulling you on to the bed. You let out a squeak of suprise, your ranting finally coming to an end, as you fell into his arms.

Bakugou wrapped both his arms and legs around you and pulled your back to his chest. Holding you there in a tight embrace. "What are you doing?" You almost stuttered from the feeling of him pressed right up against you.

"You wouldn't shut up..." He muttered into your shoulder. His hold on you was strong, it made you feel safe, he was so warm too it helped you calm down and you felt much better being in his arms. Although you couldn't deny how shy you were about it. You two hadn't been dating long and he wasn't exactly the most affectionate guy. So this really did come as a shock to you. It was the first time he had ever held you like this.

You relaxed into his hold after awhile, feeling a lot less shy about it than when he had first pulled you down. His grip didnt loosen at all, no matter how many minutes went by. You both sat in silence whilst you held onto each other. You felt yourself leaning back into him and placing your arms over his, your tears drying and your muscles relaxing.

"Listen you dumbass." He broke the silence. "It's obvious you've been keeping too much to yourself. Next time you have a problem talk to me about it. Don't just fucking pent it up until you burst. It's not healthy. I shouldn't even have to tell you this!" He grumbled against your shirt. You couldn't help but smile, these moments were rare but they really did show he cared about you

"Ok. Yeah, you're right. Sorry "

"You better be! I had to listen to you running your mouth for a whole god Damn hour." He finally lifted his face from your shoulder and you turned your head to meet his eyes.

"And as for your family. They don't see you at school, Or in training. They don't see all the effort you put in, but even so- their opinions don't matter. The only opinion that should matter to you is your own."

You hummed in appreaciation and closed your eyes, your cheek was now pressed to his as you traced small shapes into his arms.

"You're right. Thanks katsu."

"Of course I am, idiot. Where would you be without me?" He smirked and you almost wanted to roll your eyes but you knew he had a point. He did make you a much stronger person, both mentally and physically, so you really didn't know where you would be without him.

"You know, this is weird. You being the one to calm me down? Usually it's the other way around." You teased him and he grumbled under his breath in annoyance. "Don't push it or I won't ever cuddle you again, brat." You knew that was a lie. He seemed just as happy as you were right now, Being in each other's arms was so nice.

"You're so warm..." You rubbed your nose into his neck before pulling a face. "Kind of sweaty, but warm." You didn't even have to open your eyes to know he was glaring at you. You felt him pinch your side and you let out a shriek.

"What kind of shitty compliment is that!?"

"A truthful one?"

"You're a fucking nightmare."

"Aw~ I love you too."

Todoroki:

Your eyes sparkled with excitement as you carefully read through the pages of the newest manga you had bought. It was becoming so intense, so deep, there was so much left to uncover about the main character. Would they finally win this battle? Get the love interest? Well, more than likely but you wanted to know how they did so. You were so intrigued by the plot line reality was becoming distant. Like you were being completely sucked into another world. It wasn't until you felt a pressure on your shoulder that you lifted your head from the manga. You turned to see your boyfriend had sat beside you on your bed and placed his head onto your shoulder. He was staring at you with a slightly mischevious look.

"Is something wrong shouto?"

"Well, I've been calling your name for the last 5 minutes, but it seems you were in a different world to this one." You felt you cheeks heating up and you used the book to try and shield him from seeing the embarrassment on your face.

"O-oh? I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Did you need something?"

"Not really. I just wanted your attention for a bit." His bluntness only made you blush even more. He was always so forward with you, there was no beating around the Bush with him. He didn't speak a whole lot but when he did it was usually just what was on his mind.

"It's nice to see you so happy when you're reading that manga, but I think I'd prefer to be the reason you smile."

You felt slightly amused by he confession, he really did want your attention that bad? Just how long has you been ignoring him for? Not that you had meant too in the first place. You both were almost always in each other's company but that doesn't mean you both talk every minute of the day either. Sometimes you both would just do you own thing whilst the other was around. Like today, you had both been reading. You could've done it alone, sure, but it was just nicer doing things beside the person you cared about most. You personally loved the fact you both could have fun together and not need to always be talking. It took away a lot of pressure. Just being beside each other was more than enough for you two.

Of course you couldn't deny him the attention he wanted and so you put the manga down and shuffled closer to him, lifting up a hand to run it through his soft hair. You were a little nervous about it honestly, You two hadnt been this close before. However Todoroki didn't seem bother by it at all. In fact he was really enjoying the affection. When your fingers came into contact with his scalp however, he shivered and reached up for your hand. "Your freezing." He muttered softly, holding onto your hands tightly and using his quirk to heat them up a little. You sighed in contentment. "That's so nice."

You sank closer towards his warm body and rubbed your face into his hair. His head was still firmly planted on your shoulder and it was safe to say you were both so comfortable you never wanted to move away from this position ever again. Of course that wasn't possible, but you could dream.

After a good while of comfortable silence you looked over to your desk to see your phone had lit up. Someone must've been messaging you and you wanted to know who it was. It was probably your family asking about how school was going. You hadn t gotten to see them as much because you lived in the school dorms now, but you still tried to message them every day.

"Hey, Shouto? I need to get my phone." You spoke softly through the silence, You didn't want him to let go but you didn't want to ignore your family either. If you ignore them for too long they'll get worried and spam you until you reply. You didnt want that kind of guilt hanging off you. However, when you didn't get a reply you shifted your head so that you could see his face. His eyes were closed and his breathing was steady. You giggled quietly to yourself.

"You fell asleep?" You heart fluttered with joy, he was so comfortable he had fallen asleep on your shoulder? It was so incredibly adorable you almost squealed in delight but you didn't want to disturb him so you had to swallow it down. This was the most peaceful you had ever seen him and you weren't about to destroy that.

You closed your eyes and placed your head on top of his own. Your family could wait.

"Sweet dreams, my Prince."

[soberfor2021]

The Long Intro

Hi, I’m Sarah, and I’m a little fucked in the head. But that’s okay, I’m going to work on unfucking my head. (tw: self harm, suicide)

To say I have a history of self destructive behavior is a bit of an understatement. The first time I remember intentionally harming myself was when I was 14, and since then it seems like I tend to jump from one method to another. My mind has always flirted with the concept of ending my life; it was just a natural thought pattern.

In high school I became tired of wanting to die all the time and sought out therapy, which helped, and I was eventually placed on medication to help cope with the depression, anxiety, and OCD.

When I was 18, I left for college and only managed to make it though the semester. Right before I turned 19, I was bouncing back and forth between a few plans to kill myself. I can only credit God and some very dear friends for the fact that I’m still alive to this day. I remember feeling as if a wolf had it’s jaws around my neck, like I was moments from death, and then it was gone. The wolf ran away.

My life continued on despite the scars, both physical and emotional, and when I turned 21 I found another unhealthy coping mechanism. I’ve never considered  myself an alcoholic; that term was reserved for people who had no control, and I always had control. I’ve always had control over my self destruction. Each thin scar on my body, each day of seeing how little I could eat, and each night I couldn’t remember was calculated. I could stop any time, I just didn’t want to.

As it got worse, I considered myself Schrodinger’s alcoholic: I both had a problem and didn’t have a problem, it all depended on if I said I did or not. As long as i didn’t say I had a problem, I didn’t have a problem. After all, I can drink responsibly, I just choose not do. Just like I can refuse to slice my skin open, I just often choose to ignore that.

Truthfully all time has blurred together since my breakdown in college, so I can’t even pinpoint exactly when things started or stopped. I just know at some point I stopped recognizing myself. I would hear stories of what I did when out with friends, and it was embarrassing. That wasn’t me. That isn’t how I act. I had vague memories of things I had done that haunted me, and eventually I formed some other destructive habits that directly linked with my drinking habits.

And as someone with religious scrupulosity as her main form of OCD, I delved into self hate spirals. I’ve always hated myself, for as long as I can remember; even as a small child, I hated myself. But I began to hate what I had become as well, concluding that I was destined for hell no matter what, so why bother? Why not try and find whatever comfort I could.

Because as sick as it is, self destruction was comfortable for me, no matter the kind. There was a satisfaction in knowing that I deserved the pain, and there was some twisted hope that eventually it would all end.

Within the past month, my OCD has ramped up again, most likely due to stress of current events (and I’m honestly surprised in a lot of ways that I made it all the way to December without a significant episode of it). And while incredibly painful, I have taken this opportunity to try and better myself. I have a long way to go, and while in the past year I haven’t been drinking nearly as much as I used to (though as recently as November, I believe, I did make myself sick on it) I want to try and fully cleanse myself.

I want to kick all my self destructive habits instead of hopping from one to the other, be it physical self harm, the invisible self harm of starvation or purging, or partaking in substances that will harm me with the knowledge that I am destroying my body. And even the more minor habits I want to get rid of: clinging to unhealthy people, all but seeking out verbal abuse and replaying it over and over, among other things.

I’ve began praying more, often with my family, and I had every intention to go to confession before Christmas, but my house became covid positive, so it will have to wait. I’ve set up an appointment with my therapist, whom I have not seen in over a year, in an attempt to heal.

And I know this is my responsibility. I could list off the abuse and trauma I’ve experienced and place some of the blame on that. And certainly none of that makes anything easier, and it could be contributing to my desire to self destruct. But at the end of the day, I’m my own person. I am the one performing the actions, and I’m the one who keeps sabotaging myself.

And I’m seeking forgiveness. Forgiveness from God, from others, and from myself. I don’t think this blog will help with the first two very much, if at all, but I think it will help me forgive myself. I try and take all my bad experiences and put as positive of a spin on it as I can. I search through dirt and mud trying to find something viable, something I can say “Look, this isn’t so bad, see, this was worth it” about.

And that’s what I’m hoping this blog can do. If it can inspire someone, or even just inspire me, to cultivate a mentality of self love and self care, then perhaps this wasn’t all so bad. Perhaps it was worth it. Perhaps the hell I went through, that I placed upon myself, can have something good at the end, even if it’s just the first stone on the path to redemption.

I am asking though that I not receive any pity on this blog or even in private. One of my first babbly posts will most likely be about this concept, but in short it does make me uncomfortable. I appreciate encouragement on one hand, but on the other, I don’t like the idea of being praised for doing the bare minimum. Please just see me as a human. I’m not doing anything great by doing this. I have flaws, I’m working on them. Everyone should be. Do not carry me, let me walk this mountain myself. A warm meal and some water, perhaps a soft place to rest, is very welcome. But please do not give me credit for climbing the mountain until I have climbed it.

I hope this makes sense. I’m writing this while sick with most likely covid. My head feels awful and I can’t think straight. But I am earnest. I am ready to try this.

Thank you and God bless.

[lyssismagical]

make me into more than a goner

Whumptober Day Twenty-Two. Hallucination

Read on AO3

(“If you were good enough, maybe Tony would still love you!”)

He gasps, eyes darting around as he wakes up.

A jail cell.

God-knows-where.

He got hit by a fucking train.

His friends are going to be killed.

He has no one to save him from the mess he’s created.

He’s-

He’s in a lot of pain.

Hissing through his teeth, he pulls himself to his feet, eyes bouncing between the sleeping officer and the few others in the cell. Everything hurts, but he needs to get out of here. He needs to save his friends. He needs… He probably needs medical help. He really just wants to take a nap in a real bed.

He breaks the lock with ease, pretending it doesn’t pull at a wound on his shoulder. The blood drips down his back, but he ignores it.

Out. He needs to get out. Immediately. He needs help.

(He pretends he has someone to call for help. May can’t help him. The Avengers are broken up, either dead or retired, he doesn’t know their numbers anyway. Pepper’s got Morgan, he can’t ask her to rescue him. Happy and Rhodey are with Tony in his bedridden state… Peter can’t. He can’t bother them again, and again, and again. Especially after he just failed so miserably.)

Smells assault his nose as soon as he stumbles out of the jail into what seems like farming area. A goat tries to take his jersey which he quickly tugs over his head, eyes darting between the people. None of them could be real. This could all be a hallucination. He just has to trust that this is real.

“Could I use your phone?” he asks the first person he can see with a phone.

It’s handed over to him without a question. In Queens, nobody would’ve been this kind to him.

But he’s standing there, in the middle of fucking nowhere with no one to call, desperate for help.

He doesn’t want to bother anybody. But there’s one person that could help him. One person that genuinely would want to come all the way to the Netherlands to save him. One person who wouldn’t hate him for what he’s done.

“Keener.”

“I need help.”

* Everything hurts, his brain feels like it’s made of jello, his knees are weak.

MJ would’ve said something about symbolism or something metaphorical about him limping through the field of tulips, but she’s not here, and he can’t think of anything she’d say other than it sucks.

(Alone, alone, alone-)

And then the jet flies down in front of him, slowing to a stop, almost soundlessly.

Peter stops moving, scrubbing a dirty hand over his face. He’s been on the edge of a mental breakdown for hours, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks.

The jet opens and a ramp lowers to the ground, revealing none other than Harley Keener.

The older boy saunters down the ramp like he’s worth a million dollars, all long limbs and mad-scientist hair and smirking mouth.

“Wait!” Peter shouts, holding his palms out in front of him.

He hates that he has to ask. He hates that he can’t trust anything around him. Not now. Not after how easily Beck pulled the rug of reality out from under his feet.

Harley stops, lifting his hands as well in a sign of surrender.

“Peter?” he calls out, southern accent lilting. “Is everything okay?”

“How do I know you’re real?” he shouts, taking a staggering step backwards. His legs throb at the movement and his knees threaten to give out.

Even from far away, he can see the way Harley’s face falls and creases. “What? Of course I’m real, Parker.”

“Tell me something only you would know!”

He’s only known Harley for less than a year. There’s not much that only Harley would know.

“Um, right, okay… Morgan’s nickname for you was Pumpkin Pie because she heard Pepper calling you Petey-Pie once. And when we had a formal dinner, Morgan insisted on pumpkin pie for you. Pumpkin pie makes you sick, but you didn’t want to crush her spirit so you ate three slices and pretending to really love it. I had to spend the majority of the night on the bathroom floor with you while you threw up for hours. Is that good enough?”

Peter lets out a watery laugh, stumbling forward until he can collapse against Harley.

“It’s really good to see you,” he says, blinking back tears. Harley hesitantly wraps his arms around Peter.

Harley’s patient as he waits for Peter’s breaths to even out, and then he’s pulling away, grabbing Peter’s chin and tipping his head up.

“Shit, you look roughed up. You know it’s my obligation to murder whoever did this, right?” Harley grins, looping an arm around Peter’s shoulders, quietly careful of Peter’s wounds. “Time for me to play Nurse Keener. Morgan taught me everything I know about nursing.”

Peter offers what he hopes is a grateful smile, but he knows it probably comes out like a grimace. He does trust Harley. He’d trust the older boy with his life, because he knows Tony would.

(Tony who’s probably just gotten the news that Peter’s god-knows-where and that Harley’s stolen a bunch of tech and disappeared to find him. Tony who’s probably trying to convince Rhodey and Happy to let him come see if his kids are okay. Tony who’s still weak and tired and can barely stay awake for a few hours at a time, who’s missing an arm, who’s hooked up to more machines then imaginable.)

Harley makes quick work patching Peter up. Stitches, gauze, bandages, medical tape, relocating his shoulder.

“Ow,” Peter whines, shoulders tensing as Harley continues stitching the deep cut in his shoulder blade.

“I thought you had spider strength?” Harley teases without stopping. “This is nothing. Happy’s told me about the dozens of times he’s given you stitches and he never mentioned you complaining this much!”

“Fuck off.” Peter clenches his fist in his hair, squeezing his eyes shut.

(Beck is out there and Peter screwed everything up. He couldn’t have possibly made a bigger mistake than the one he made the other day. Giving Beck the glasses, trusting that man so easily. Handing over everything-)

“Relax,” Harley mutters, cutting the string.

Peter stands up, tears blurring his vision. “Don’t tell me to relax!”

He shouldn’t be shouting. Harley dropped everything to fly out to the fucking Netherlands to try to fix Peter’s mistakes. He shouldn’t be shouting, but he is, and he still can’t be sure whether or not this is real.

“I gave the glasses to Beck! I messed everything up!” he shouts, pushing his hand through his hair and pulling at it as though it’ll get his head to straighten out. “The only thing Mister Stark left me and I gave it to Beck who’s going to kill my friends and half of Europe! Don’t fucking tell me to relax!”

Instead of meeting him with soft words and apologies, Harley meets it the way Peter had needed him to. The way he felt he deserved.

“You fucked up, Parker!” Harley shouts, standing up as well. He’s a good couple inches taller than Peter and he uses it to his advantage. “Is that what you want to hear? Yeah, you fucked up! Big time!”

Peter’s crying, that much he’s sure of. And he’s still angry. Awfully angry. The kind of anger that consumes your insides and lights you on fire and dyes your vision red. But he’s so tired. So, so tired. And hurt.

“But everyone fucks up, Parker.” Harley’s breathing heavily, but he’s not shouting anymore. He sounds as tired as Peter feels. “Everyone does. You just made a mistake. That’s okay. We’re going to fix it.”

“Mister Stark’s-”

Harley’s already shaking his head. “You’re wrong. I know what you’re going to say. Trust me, the only thing Tony’s going to feel is worried. He’s not going to hate you. This isn’t going to change anything.”

Sitting down, Peter chokes on a sob, hiding his face in his hands.

(“Weak. Pathetic. If you were good enough…”)

“Everyone’s asking who’s going to be the next Iron Man and the next Tony Stark, and I- I can’t do that. I can’t be him. I can’t,” Peter cries into his hands. “Harley, I can’t be him. I can’t live up to that. I already failed him.”

(“If you were good enough…”)

Laying a gentle hand on Peter’s good shoulder, Harley shakes his head. “Don’t tell Tony I said this, but you’re better than he ever was. Whatever Beck said to you, it’s not true.”

It’s too late for kind words like the one’s Harley’s offering. It’s too late to consider accepting anyone else’s truths. It’s too late. Beck’s words have already encircled Peter’s head, already wrapped around his throat, already planted themselves in his chest like weeds. It’s too late for anything other than the insecurities to grow.

(“If you were good enough…”)

“Plus,” Harley continues, laughing quietly. Peter lifts his head to find Harley grinning maniacally. “I’m the next Ironman. Have you seen the news? I’m being called Iron Lad.”

It’s meant to be a joke, but it alleviates a lot of the pressure on Peter’s shoulders. Harley wants to be the next Iron Man. Peter doesn’t have to. Peter can just be Spider-Man.

“Iron Lad? Really?” Peter says, trying to laugh as well, but it comes out warped and distorted like he’s underwater.

Harley takes it though. “Yep! Gonna be Iron Lad, Spider-Man, and their Leader, Miss Morgana!”

It helps. The jokes help. Having Harley here with him helps.

Harley, all mad scientist hair and long limbs and wide eyes. All snappy words and calloused hands and sarcasm. All Tennessee drama and southern charm. All Tony Stark down to the core.

“Well, what do you say? You ready to kick ass?”

* Harley lands by Peter, faceplate of his Iron Lad suit lifting to reveal his grinning face.

“You got him? You good?” he asks, eyes sliding over Peter’s burnt and bloody suit. “You need Nurse Keener to help you out again?”

Peter tries his best to offer a smile. He’s not okay. It’s going to be a long time before he’s okay after this disaster. He still can’t help but look around him, checking for drones, checking to see if Beck is somehow alive, somehow lurking. His hands won’t stop shaking.  

(“You lied to me and I trusted you!”)

(“If you were good enough, maybe Tony would still love you!”)

“I got him,” Peter says. “It’s over. I’m okay… I just need the world’s longest nap.”

Harley’s grinning and he loops an arm around Peter’s waist to lift him up in the air in the suit, just like how Tony used to do it.

Peter drops his head against the metal shoulder of the suit and finally lets his walls crumble and he breaks.

If Harley notices Peter shaking in his grip, if he notices Peter crying for the trip back to the jet, if he notices Peter discreetly wiping his bloodshot eyes when they land, he doesn’t mention any of it.

(“You lied to me and I trusted you!”)

(“If you were good enough, maybe Tony would still love you!”)

(“I’m real, Parker.”)

* Tony meets them just outside the cabin.

He tries to hide the fact that he’s been crying, and Peter does the same, but they can both see through each other’s facades.

“You’re real?” Peter can’t help but ask when he’s wrapped in a warm hug. He’s clutching the back of Tony’s shirt, ignoring the guilt that wells up in his stomach, ignores the awful wave of pain at only one arm wrapping around his back.

(“If you were good enough, maybe Tony would still love you!”)

“I’m real, kid. I’m real, I promise,” Tony says against his forehead. “I’m real. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

(“You lied to me…”)

(“If you were good enough…”)

Peter cries, letting himself fall apart once more. Watching over Tony’s shoulders as Harley scoops Morgan into his arms, somehow still grinning, still laughing, telling Morgan about how he played Nurse Keener again.

He watches Pepper and May sitting on the porch swing, both of them looking beyond exhausted but content. Happy. Leaning against each other.

He watches Happy and Rhodey leaning against the car in the driveway, drinking from pop cans and debating who has to feed Gerald.

It’s not perfect. It’s from it. But it’s real.

(“You lied to me and I trusted you!”)

(“If you were good enough, maybe Tony would still love you!”)

(“I’m real, Parker.”)

(“I’m real. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”)

(“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”)

[burnedbyshoto]

Oooooooooooof, I love this show so much just please people, talk about something other than the ships, that's so much of the fandom, like have your fun and all but omg there's more to this show then the two boys you wanna watch fuck (which seems so creepy lmao). Them people that claim to have evidence just please calm down, friends are a thing.

ahem. I am no longer drunk, and will now be answering to this.

to be honest, it sort of confused me when this came into my askbox when I was sober. I looked at this and was plain and simply thinking “I clearly ship myself with these characters, and my oc which I have yet to introduce to y’all”.

honestly, because of shipping wars i’m hesitant to reveal who I ship to you all, as I don’t want to have to defend myself. I don’t want to be forced to feel like the only way to get around some of the toxic fans if through a bloody fist fight:

 so, let’s talk about shipping culture within mainstream media and fandoms *disclaimer: none of the ships I have included in the following I will neither confirm nor deny if I ship. please do not ask me about my ships until I am ready to reveal such.*

I will agree with you, and also disagree with you. 

where I agree with you is about this entire toxic shipper trait that runs within many and nearly all fandoms. every single fandom I was apart of prior to bnha have all experience shipping wars. hell, I am a veteran on the naruto fandom war. I was heavily invested into the fandom circa months before and up until it ended. I was a major and hardcore naruhina shipper. please if you’re a narusasu, narusaku, kibahina, sasuhina, whatever, do not come to me expressing why my feelings towards them are wrong. simply I am sick and tired of shipping wars.

they are by far the worst things about shipping and fandoms. I took a class on ethics and morals, and one of the biggest get aways I took from it was this: never say that people are allowed to have their own opinion. thats how we get nazi’s. so lets view this in… a utilitarian viewpoint. say, for example, if I shipped bakudeku. they make me happy. the amazing content creators that stretch from drawers, writers, and filmmakers are amazing. they all make me happy. thats great! we love that! now my one friend who does not ship tododeku, but instead ships bakudeku. what should I do?

a. scoff, they’re wrong! TODODEKU OR BUST!!!!

b. smile awkwardly, nod your head, and ask “why?” full of judgment

c. literally gag as you shake your head. this friendship is so over.

d. pull out my 1000 slide powerpoint on all the damning evidence as to why tododeku is the best ship, and a 17205879268276048529 slide powerpoint as to why bakudeku is actually a super toxic ship, and how dare you like that ship? “do you support abusive relationships?” you ask, your upper lip curling at your best friend.

what is your choice? thats correct, the correct choice is option E. NONE OF THE FUCKING ABOVE. in which case is this making you happy? your friend has their own interpretation of the damn text, as do you clearly so do or else we would all be shipping the same thing. as long as it clearly does not interfere with deemed normal guidelines, why do you care so much? 

we can all agree we love these characters or else you wouldn’t be in these fandoms, and maybe youre one of those people who are only here for two characters interactions. but how in the damn world is shoving down someones feeling nice? there you are talking about love between two characters and shit over someone elses. what you should do is nod your head, respect what they damn ship, and go ahead and share your own ships! but you know what you should NEVER do???? bash another ship.

stop trying to find someone to fight. no I don’t care about who started it! just stop! there, especially on tumblr, many older fans. im sure we’ve all seen our fair share of ships wars, and its fantastic to be passionate about your ship, definitely don’t stop!!!! but if you’re constantly fighting others over it and bringing another ship to raise up your own…. just leave the fandom. I dont want to see you on the tags ever. i want to see art, writings, and theories, and fun things. I don’t want a 20 paragraph essay on why shigaraki and izuku will be married and why you’re a fucking idiot with a phat #antimomodeku in the tag. keep your ideas to yourself, stop looking for a reaction from rival ships. come on guys….. we know who is endgame for some of these bigger ships, don’t play dumb. but im not going to shame you. judge, or scoff when you continue passionately shipping your ship. go ahead!!! do it!!!! its FUN!!!!! the only ship im open about is momojirou which I know has like 2% chance of being canon, but you don’t see me slamming todomomo/kamijirou shippers.

believe what you want, but your evidence should stay within your own tag. don’t let it bled over. and for the love of god, tag properly and stop looking through ship tags you don’t like just to pick a fight.

where I disagree with you:

people are going to always ship things. we’re human and automatically force social relations between things. it’s a weird psychological thing that many, not all, but many of us have. it’s especially prominent when the main cast is not evenly mixed in terms of representation. this is why male x male ships are so prominent. it’s because the only female main character is uraraka. no one else really is a main character. I love my girl momo, yall know that, but shes not a main character just because she had a mental breakdown during final exams and is super rich smart and pretty. it’s just us being gay. she’s not as important of a character and it annoys me. 

I think people talk about their ships because it makes them happy, and if it’s something that truly annoys you i say you have to keep scrolling, or maybe move to something like reddit, the fandom there is strictly business, no shipping on the general tag. tumblr is a content place and works with tagging, so things involving ships is prominent because this site makes is…. easier…. not really, but easier. so you’ll come across ships because everyone uses the #bnha and #mha tag on their things! on reddit is very much more controlled.

[sabbathbloodysabbeth]

Football

Prompt: Billy and Steve are on the football team and need to learn how to get along.

Amount of words; 2287

Half of the school would definitely agree that there was a few reasons why their football team always lost their games.

It was because of the hot head of Billy Hargrove and the snarky remarks from Steve Harrington that caused the team to always loose.

When ever Billy got to cocky Steve would bring him back down to size by one simple comment.

When ever this happened Billy would then take his full attention on Steve and say another snarky remark towards Steve and the both of them would get into a argument that once in awhile ended up with Billy throwing a punch at Steve and the whole team breaking them up.

Now the coach has warned them that if they get into one more fight that he would kick them off the team. But it never happens. Billy is the best defense player on his team while Steve is the best runner. And also because of the fact that the man had a memory problem.

So when the two boys get into the hundredth fight, the coach is ready to have a mental breakdown.

Billy had something about how Steve was running a little slow, which Steve replied with something that no one really could hear but Billy already had his fist on Harrington’s face before anyone could get to them.

Tommy was already tackling Steve to the ground and four of the guys already had Billy restrained back as he yells profanites at Steve.

The coach had about enough of this shit. Every single practice this shit would happen and he was ready to just quite coaching.

“Hargrove! Harrington! Get your asses over here!" He yells. He only yells during games to support the boys and only has to raise his voice a little when it came to practice. So everyone knew he was pissed.

The boys let go of Billy's arms hesistantly already ready to jump on him again if needed be. Tommy gets up off from Steve and does the same as everyone else.

Billy already was in front of coach looking right into his eyes. They both were the same height. If coach wasn't so pissed he would say some comment about how bad Billy smelt. The mixture of sweat, dirt and cologne really didn't mix well.

Steve was right next to him after getting up looking at him to.

“You both are gonna be on god damn bench during the next game and you are gonna be wearing your gear and supporting your team. Now both of you give me ten laps if you are going to slow then give me twenty now get your asses moving before I kick you off the team and have the school suspend the both of you.” coach yells in both of their faces.

Billy was beyond pissed and says, “Yes Coach." The same time as Steve. The prick he thinks to himself and he starts running down the field to start one lap.

Steve hadn't slept well the night before and he was way to tired to do this. He starts running and he trys to go his normal speed. But he can't. He would be normally passed Hargrove by now which was pissing him off so much.

Steve continues running pushing his legs to go faster irritated at himself. He wipes the sweat from his forehead and pushes pass Billy who was running his normal. 

Steve goes pass him and makes it pretty far away from him before he felt like he was gonna collapse. Which if he did his pride would definitely be ruined.

Steve was going way passed his limit and he was only on his fourth lap while Billy was about to go on his fourth. Steve moves to run around the coach but his shoulders were pulled back by the coach and the older man looked at him.

Billy wasn't the only one that had noticed that Steve wasn't playing 100 percent today. So did coach.

Steve was panting and was sweating out buckets. He was a bit light headed and dizzy but once again his pride was the in the way.

“Harrington you don't look so hot are you ok?" Coach says as Steve nods his head yes but he stumbles back a little and the coach catches him helping him sit down on the ground.

“Hargrove!" The coach yells as he sees the other boy quickly moves to the coach his eyes going down to the older boy but goes back to the coach.

“Your the strongest guy on the team help Harrington to the nurse before he gets himself hurt. And before you fucking say anything get over what ever girly shit you both have going on  and just take the boy to the nurse." The Coach spits out at Billy who just nods his jaw tightens up and moves helping the other boy who could barely stand.

“Coach I can get to the nurse myself." Steve says but the coach just ignores him and goes back to doing his job, coaching.

Billy on the other hand was already complaining in his own way. He forced Steve up a little bit as he almost starts to drag him a long behind him.

Steve was like a rag doll at the moment as he says, “Hargrove slow down jesus." Steve says before he starts to walk moving his feet the best he can behind the angry teenage boy.

Hargrove rolls his eyes, “Awe is the poor baby gonna cry if I don't?" He says not really believing that Steve was sick. Most of the team faked being sick to get out of laps. Billy has forced himself to puke one time when he was younger in California so he didn't have to run fifteen laps for basketball for purposely shoving a younger player that was two grades below him.

The minute the both of them go around the corner of the wall of the back of the school Billy let's go of Steve who ends up stumbling into the wall.

“Alright Harrington he can't see you stop the damn acting. You don't have to run those laps anymore." Billy says chuckling as he looks over at the football field where coach was having all the guys practice receiving.

Steve stumbles up against the wall rubbing his eyes due to the dizziness. He was probably dehydrated or something. He had no idea. He continues to work his way to the nurses office alone like he wanted to do before.

Billy looks over at him with a raised eyebrow. “Jesus Harrington your acting skills are amazing. But I don't think you have to fake being sick." He says right as Steve almost falls and he quickly moves forward like the coach and grabs him.

“Why the hell would I be faking being sick. Im not no bitch I would run all the laps still if I could even stand up." Steve says irritated groaning a little trying to move out of Billy's arms.

“I have no damn idea. All the guys have already faked being sick to get out or practice I assumed you would to." Billy answers showing a teeny bit of concern now but not to much that Steve could pick up on it.

Steve looks up at the other boy straight in his eyes, “Yeah and all the other guys eat Doritos and drink Pepsi on a daily basis what do you expect them to do." He says.

Billy shrugs not really caring about the other boys. All he knew was that Harrington wasn't gonna make it into the school without not getting hit with a car from the parking lot that lead to the backdoors.

Billy moves and takes Steve again, which Steve shoves him away trying to move away from Billy. Billy rolls his eyes and grabs at Steve again.

“Harrington I'm not gonna get kicked off the team because you decided to not let me get you in the school and you get hit with a car because a drunk man walks better than you can at the moment." Billy says.

Steve still struggles anyway. “Yeah like you aren't gonna kicked off the team, Coach will probably forget and you'll stay on defense." Steve says trying to push pass the boy.

“Harrington, I swear to god if you continue struggling I'm gonna give you another shiner that matches the other one on your face." Billy spits out pissed and irritated now.

By times Billy was able to get Steve to the building it was ten minutes later. Those minutes consisted of Steve arguing with Billy and Billy trying his best not to punch him.

Steve sighs when they get through the doors, the air conditioner hitting him. It felt amazing but it still didn't help the dizziness and the light headiness.

“Hargrove, garbage can." Steve groans as Billy looks at him confused but when Steve throws his hand over his mouth to stop from puking all over and literally shoves Billy away and throws himself at the garbage Billy understood, after Steve starts throwing up.

Steve had one hand on the Garbage to hold himself up and the other holding his hair out of his face the best he can.

Billy didn't bother helping and just looked away not really wanting to see anything that would leave him gagging.

When Steve was finished he sits down back against the garbage wiping his mouth. Now a bit pale as he says, “Sorry."

Billy didn't respond at all except cross his arms and wait for Steve to be able to even get up. Billy was now a hundred and ten percent sure that this boy was sick considering Steve would never apologize. He was way to stubborn to apoligize.

Steve trys moving to stand up as Billy moves hesitating a little and wraps his arm around him to pull him up and to help him walk again.

“Harrington if you pull all over my damn cleats you are gonna get me a new pair." He says in a disgusted tone as he helps Steve continue the twenty minute walk to the nurses office.

Luckily since school was out no one seen them going down the hall together which was one grateful thing Billy was thinking about.

So when they get to the nurse the lady was already to Billy and Steve's side helping them walk in.

She has Steve sit down on the bed before asking if he was feeling up to talking. Steve nods his head as Billy stood next to the wall arms crossed. Only reason why he was staying was so that he didn't have to go back and run laps.

“Sounds like you are a bit deyhdrated and the lack of sleep didn't help you all that much either." The nurse says grabbing a cup of water. “Can your parents come pick you up?" She asks as she moves to the phone to call them.

Steve shakes his head no as he drinks his water, “No, they are on another buisness trip for the rest of the week. They won't be back till next Monday." He says as the Nurse nods her head not picking up the phone.

“Is there any sibling you can have pick you up then? Any Family memebers?" She asks him.

“No, I'm and only child and my parents don't like talking to the rest of the family the closest family member is in a different state." Steve says as the nurse nods her head sighing.

Billy was actually kind of eavesdropping on this conversation listening to all the explanations that Steve would give the nurse.

“Alright, how bout that girlfriend of yours? Will she be able to pick you up?" The nurse asks.

“My Ex? Nah she's probably to busy giving Byers head at the moment." Steve says as he coughs a little.

The nurse sighs, “Steve am I gonna have to give you a ride home again?" She asks.

“Yes." Steve answers as Billy raised a eyebrow.

The nurse sighs as she nods her head and grabs a pillow and blanket for Steve.

“Why don't you rest, I have to stay here until six before I can go home." She goes and sits at her desk as Steve slowly starts taking off his gear to set to the side.

Billy was still standing there when the nurse asks him why he was still there. He just shrugs and turns leaving the office.

The next day at Practice Steve was feeling a whole lot better. He was running his normal and had to drink extra water so that he didn't get deyhdrated again.

After practice coach pulls him and Billy to the side.

“You two dumbasses need to get the hell along when you are on this field. Hargrove you are my best defense but you aren't playing at your full potential because you are always to busy running your mouth off to Harrington.” coach says as he looks over at Harrington now.

“And you need to stop doing the same thing. Im getting tired of loosing every damn game because the both of you can't get a long.

So Harrington you go out on the fifty mark and Hargrove you go on the twenty five. You both are gonna get along and throw each other footballs you understand!" Coach yells at the both of them as Steve and Billy glare at each other but say yes coach and go running at their positions that they were told to get onto.

So I know this isnt a complete one shot but I think I'm gonna write a fanfic for this because when I was writing it I had so many Ideas that i can't just fit in one shot lol

[tomorrowfortoday]

So You Had a Bad Day

I may have been a little inspired to write a Mikane OneShot. This will only be available to read here on tumblr, so enjoy :3 *Warning: Foul language, violence, and sexual/abusive themes ahead* *But also good, happy stuff*

Just another beautiful day in the life. That’s what they all say right? People. The same people that just won’t leave her alone day after day. Today included. Oh especially today. Between having to put up with cat calls during her work hours, which she thought would give her at least a decent amount of professional respect, and being shoved shoulder to shoulder in the busy Shizume subway, Akane Himura had had enough. Even without all the antagonists she was having a bad day. Headaches, natural bad temperament which had gotten her into trouble several times that day already, and hallucinations that put louder than normal whispers in her ears and made her feel like she was under a blaring spotlight. Some days as a schizophrenic were better than others. This wasn’t one of them. Although, she would start to be a little more alarmed about it if the severity had made her call in sick. She wasn’t quite in that condition yet luckily. Every bump, every little shove of the people around her set her on edge and made her bite down on her cheek or tongue to keep from screaming at them. Or worse. It was like she could feel the heat coming off of them all. The filth, the sweat of the hot day, the stench of the auras of strangers. She hated it. It all made her want to jump into a pool of ice, just to rid her mind of any thought of them. Their suffocating heat. It was almost dark out but still it seemed as though the sparse clouds were trapping the sun’s rays in the earth’s atmosphere. The stars gave her none of the freedom she often sought from them as she left the underground station to finally breath semi-fresh city air. Her anger worsened slightly when the heavy feeling in her chest refused to dissipate. The walk home wasn’t long. The bar Homra was in an ideal spot for business, in a location easily accessible by basically all means of transport in the big, bright city. In her current state of desperation to be on familiar, happier grounds, Akane made the mistake of deciding to take a shortcut. She could handle herself, as she had proven time and time again. The thought that she shouldn’t be putting herself in dangerous situations in the first place didn’t even cross her mind. Well. Maybe it did. But nothing stopped her from ignoring and forgetting it altogether. She simply pulled the hood of her sweater up and tugged her backpack, which had her work uniform and wallet in it, closer, and tried to look as dark and invisible, or hopefully at least as scary, as possible. It didn’t work. “Hey there, whatcha got in the bag?” The man’s sticky, ill-smelling breath wafted over her and she tried to walk past without a word. “Oi, I’m talkin’ to ya!” “Yeah, and I’m ignoring you, fuck off bucko.” She flipped him off as she quickened her pace in the shadows, only to be yanked back by the wrist as the guy suddenly grabbed her. “Well well well, you’ve got a nice voice under all that. What else are ya hiding from me, sweetheart?” His eyes slowly creeped over her form and she cursed at herself for wearing shorts that day. Thoughts of what he was planning to do to her made the bile rise in her throat. Her heart rate increased and she fought off the flashbacks. Panicking wouldn’t do her any good. Panicking would only get her hurt again. The pressure on her arm built up and she yelped slightly as he tried to pull her closer, already reaching his other hand out to grope at her. And then she snapped. She used his own strength against him and used the momentum, along with her own force, to slam him against the wall behind them. A knife, which she had hidden in her pocket, was pressed against his throat and the fear that he had intended to be on her face now adorned his own. “You are fucking around with the wrong bitch on the wrong day, asshole.”  No-one would notice. He looks like a nobody. A sexist, disgusting nobody. Kill him. You know you want to. You know you miss the smell of blood. Kill him kill him killhim killkillkill. She shoved the voices away, desperately trying not to give in to their urges. Akane got right up in his face and whispered menacingly, bright grey eyes piercing into his very soul, “Don’t. Touch. Me.” She fire in her words must’ve burned him to the core because as she practically tossed him away he ran like a madman to god knows where to do god knows what. The red subsided from her vision and she looked down at her hands. Giving a tired sigh, she retracted the knife and put it back into her pocket, continuing on her way like nothing had happened. It was the best defense mechanism she had. If she pretended that nothing had happened, then it was like nothing had happened. At least... not until she was in a safe enough space to deal with it. Only for a split second did she stop to look up and wonder, would they care if something bad happened to me? Thoughts like these often crossed her mind lately. She finally had something like a home. She felt a connection with all the wonderful, albeit at times annoying, people that had welcomed her into their lives. Yata had accepted her again, or at least she hoped. Tatara fussed over her like a mother hen, or at least she thought. And Kusanagi always kept a distant but watchful eye over her to make sure she felt safe. And happy. Or so she dreamed. With her condition it was nearly impossible to get a definite read on people, so she often had to question herself, she couldn’t help but occasionally doubt them. And it wasn’t something she could be blamed for. She continued on in silence for the rest of the short journey. “Akane! Thought I’d catch you around here.” She saw Yata approaching from a little ways down the aisle of buildings and quietly cursed when she looked down at her arm. A purple bruise was already forming from where she had been grabbed, and it traveled down her hand far enough that her sleeve wouldn’t be able to hide it. She did her best anyway and put on a happy mask. “Sorry you had to take the late shift today, how was it?” The events of the day echoed through her mind at light-speed but her face remained unchanged. Horrible. Terrible. Worth forgetting and incinerating from my frikken head entirely. “Eh, you know. The usual. It was fine.” She shrugged and continued to lightly smile at him. She felt bad for it, for how frequently she used this tactic on him. But he almost always bought it so she continued to use it. “I figured. Look, me and the guys were thinking that-” he put his hand on her shoulder as she walked past, something he had done many many times before, only this time she jumped and even swatted it away. They both looked at each other in confusion. It had been entirely reflexive, Akane hadn’t even expected that from herself. “S-sorry. I... didn’t mean to do that.” “You ok?” She had made the mistake of letting the mask slip for only a fraction of a second when he touched her. Even her best friend had put her on edge and the contact made her cringe without warning. “Um, yeah. Long day. I’m just-I’ll just go home.” “Want me to walk you? You’ve been kinda on edge since this morning. It’s a bad day isn’t it?” He knew that the condition would affect her in waves. He was used to it and knew that, although it was often difficult or awkward, he had to force her to communicate so that he wouldn’t make it worse. She shook her head, “I just wanna be alone for a little while.” He frowned, obviously not liking the idea but also knowing he didn’t have much of a say in the matter. “Ok.” She smiled at him appreciatively. “Just text me when you get there.” “Yeah. Sure thing mom.” But the words didn’t have quite the same humorous ring to them. The same life. He frowned in worry but watched as his friend walked off towards their base, alone against his own better judgement. Finally, she was standing at the front door, and thanking the stars that Yata hadn’t noticed her arm in the darkness. Time for round two. It was colder than she had expected inside, and the burst of conditioned air even made her shiver at first contact. But that didn’t slow her from her newfound mission. Upon entering the building, Akane headed straight for the kitchen. She didn’t see anyone awake, which was probably the most shocking thing that whole night. The bar was closed, but it wasn’t even that late yet. Someone was definitely still up at this hour. The girl decided not to worry about it yet, and simply tugged at her sleeve just in case, finally making it to the back room with all the food. Somehow it was even colder, and she found herself wishing she had been wearing a thicker sweater. This one had mostly been for aesthetic purposes rather than functionality. Please be in here please please- aha! Tatara, you’re a lifesaver. She searched through the fridge, racing the effects of what had just transpired, to find what she had asked for. A giant jar of pickles. Some girls had chocolate or ice cream, but for some reason, whenever she had a mental breakdown or the insatiable urge to cry, pickles were the only thing that could quench her sorrows. She blamed it on probably being dropped one too many times as a kid. “Oh fucking hell, why can’t I just have one goddamn thing?!” Tears of frustration began to build up in her eyes as she struggled to open the jar. She grumbled and swore as she battled with the metal lid. She tried everything. Running it under warm water, using a dish towel, she even bent a poor, unsuspecting spoon trying to pry it open. Finally, she went back to trying to use plain old brute force. And proceeded to hurt her wrist. In a burst of fury that had built up over the last couple of hours, she raised the glass above her head, ready to just smash it on the ground and risk eating broken glass shards with her snack. But as she went to swing her arms down, the weight of the jar disappeared. She looked at her hands in confusion and jumped as someone cleared their throat behind her. Akane spun around like lightning and came face to face with none other than Mikoto Suoh. Holding a jar of pickles, which he easily opened with a satisfying pop of the lid. She refused to meet his eyes, past the emotional point of being able to fake anything. He placed the lid back on and screwed it back only partially so she could get it off again, and handed it back to her with one hand. Akane reached out to take it, and his other hand gently caught her own before she could react. The confused look hit her again when her reflexes didn’t kick in. She didn’t jump back, she didn’t smack him. Nothing. She just sat there and let it happen. She nearly broke into tears at the first comforting warmth she had felt all day. His hand was surprisingly soft and gentle as he turned hers so he could see the bruise on the back of it. It was clearly fresh, so she wouldn’t be able to lie about getting it a few days ago or anything. His aura didn’t infuriate her, didn’t make her want to rip his throat out. If anything it only served to weaken her resolve, to bring her closer to breaking down. Don’t. You’re fine. Crying is for children. Nothing even happened so stop being a baby. It doesn’t matter that his hand is warm and comforting and feels like home so suck it up and deal with it. “What happened?” She carefully, softly pulled her hand back, instantly missing his touch. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” She said quietly. He sighed and reluctantly handed over the jar. She gladly accepted it and turned away from him without another word, even more desperately trying to fight back the sobs that were attempting to choke her. Trying to ignore the emptiness she felt as she tried to put physical distance between them. They’re all the same. He’ll only hurt me if I trust him. I’m just tired and weak. People are all the same. They’ll all only betray me. They don’t care. They’re just... horrible and cold. His footsteps took him a few feet away, but then stopped. Mikoto halted in the doorway and looked back at her. It would have been funny, a girl cradling a jar of pickles like it was a child, if she didn’t look so heartbroken. The day must’ve really kicked her ass. She didn’t deserve that. He knew it. He caught slight movement in her otherwise motionless body and realized she was shivering. He never felt the cold, always able to produce more than enough of his own heat to maintain comfort. But she was different. She was fragile. She had to be taken care of, no matter what she said or how much she protested. The man frowned as she sniffled, fighting a losing battle against her own overpowering emotions. He knew she wanted to be more, or less, than human. That she did her best to fight emotions altogether. But underneath it all there was only so much she could take. He only wished he could protect her from everything that seemed to try so desperately to push her past the breaking point. Akane hugged the jar to her chest like it would stop her heart from exploding. There were too many emotions. She couldn’t deal. Not alone. Her own burdens were crushing her in the isolation she had created for herself.  Then, out of nowhere, there was safety. She turned in surprise, just in time to see Mikoto exit the room, leaving behind his jacket, which was now wrapped around her shoulders. It was still warm from his touch. It created a shelter around her that, instead of separating her from the world, protected her from it. And for the first time that night she felt safe. She wiped some of the tears from her eyes and pulled it tighter around her, a small smile forcing its way to her lips, and a mild but persistent heat rose to her cheeks. Well... maybe not all of them.

[misfitgirlonanisland]

New Year’s Resolutions 2021

i’m writing this post with my belly full from one of my countless binge eating series i had this year.

well folks, i know nobody is gonna care to read this post, but i kinda promised myself to do it for my own wellbeing: writing something down is better than just thinking bc i know myself too damn well, i will procrastinate and never take the time for a good face to face talk with said person here (mind to mind talk could do better, to be fair)...anyways, i was getting lost in trivia comments here, let’s get to the point.

There is no easy way to say this but looking back this year has been a failure, i have been a failure. after spending one semester abroad where i had the time of my life and i was loving myself like never before, i was feeling myself, i came back and what did i decided to do? be depressed. and this was even before the whole corona virus damned thing. so i came back and i hated my life, every possible thing i had in my old and boring and monotone life: i hated my place, my town, my life, i hated the chains that tied me to this reality of things and in this world i was forced to live in i even hated myself. i thought it was normal, i told myself i should be gentle and give myself time to realize how golden were the times i had overseas, that that one was a fairytale and i got my call of midnight...well i had no time to adjust to my sucky reality that the pandemic started to blow up. so before i even understood a thing, we were all in this big giant and apocalyptic scenario. i had two weeks of normal everyday life and then the lockdown. OKAY, thank you Jesus, if you hated me you could have just said so... i had to go back home. my depression already kicked in, i came back fat as a pig and at home, where i was even sadder and felt more claustrophobic and lost i kept gaining weight, binge eating the crap out of my shelves.

Result: stretch marks, big and red stretch marks on my inner thighs. now i love stretch marks, but those were a wake up call for me: i always had changes in weight but never this serious... i looked at myself and i wouldn’t even recognize the reflection anymore. i was doing nothing all day, when instead i had to study and work on my assessment for my graduation. i risked my graduation. i was just shocked with myself and began to feel really uncomfortable with my mind: i thought that i have these big dreams and plans for my future but maybe i am not strong enough, not motivated enough. maybe i got it all wrong...

i rebuilt myself: FUCK MY LITTLE BRAIN, FUCK ME! i screamed in my head, i am way stronger than this. i need to get it straight, i need to get it right, i’ve worked my ass off before and i can do it again. i deserve this and i am not gonna throw it all, i am not gonna screw this up!

well...it worked! i was back on track: i started living like a normal and functional human being, i started exercising daily and lost weight, i was feeling strong and regain some mental stability, i felt confident enough to go out and feel kinda fine. i got a friend who helped me get up in the morning, he would call me every morning and hear my rocky morning voice when i confused as fuck don’t even know my name. we would study all day together (skyping like in the early 2000s) and chatting, laughing, i really love him and i am so grateful to have him in my life. my other best friend, well with her i had a pretty rough time with her last semester, but we prepared together our chinese exam and, God, we were on fire. finally my best shrink and adviser, i always run to her whenever i am a wreck cause i know she won’t ever, once, judge me, my kpop queen, she kept me sane, safe and loved. i got past the semester, i got my graduation with full marks and got to pass every fucking admission test for the masters i wanted to attend. each one that i tried, each one of them...i thought i would be happy with what i did, i had to be happy: i mean, i was doing fine! i even had a summer flirt (veeeery brief but you know, it always boosts your confidence a bit)

WHAT WAS I MISSING?

Well...i still have no answer to that!

to be completely honest i was still insecure about my appearance and body, but that i had it all planned: going back to uni for me means going back to a “healthy” lifestyle and it always pays in image, i always feel better and consequently treat me better, like if i were some kind of princess.

So as happy and with my hopes high i start in September this new chapter of my life.

i was doing okay at the beginning: i mean i knew somethings changed, but i got in the master i always wanted and hoped for, i was getting thinner, i was then feeling more confident and i even got to be the crush of a guy who seriously was dying to see me every time he had a chance, i tighten this bond i had with some friends in uni and i love them, i do...but something cracked inside of me

i started to feel all this pain, numbness and void i couldn’t fill with anything. not enough cigarettes or food could help me, but did worse instead. at the beginning it was a matter of some sporadic days, then it lasted for longer and it occurred oftener...to the extent in a month i was counting with my very own hands the days i felt like i could live a normal life. with the second lockdown i decided to stay in my college city, alone at home and this was on one hand a blast, sick in a very positive way, on the other hand i had the freedom to behave like i wanted. so i lost myself various times, i thought about the sense of living, i thought i was not meant for this life, that i had not enough tools or capabilities to survive this lifetime of my own. i didn’t recognize what i wanted to do in life, i didn’t recognize what was i even doing and who i was. the days were just passing by, each one of them the same. i didn’t even care to bother what was the time, what the weather outside was like. i was just spending my life in bed and in the kitchen eating everything passed through my wicked mind.

there i recognized i may be suffering from something a bit too big for my bare self only. but who wanted to go to someone and admit to have once again been defeated at life? not me, not now. no sir! i can do it on my own, i thought...and i was wrong, again.

“get up you undefined mass of lard and bones, get your shit together and do something”. this helped me that time i was beaten pretty bad, after a week and a half i spent in bed, not even having the strength to shower. i got up, eventually, and i did fine. i thought i was doing it again, “who needs to seek help?! i got me, i know how to behave, i know what to do, don’t need nobody but me to get back on track”

and two weeks after another breakdown

and then again, after three/four days, Sergeant G is back! i checked upon myself once again and got back on my feet ready to fight another battle.

i am tired and ashamed, i have to admit i am losing this war. every time i get up i fall, and it takes me more energy every time to believe in myself. i don’t even know how to walk straight anymore, i just know somehow i am gonna trip again.

here i am, dear G, it’s almost 6am, it’s the 31st December 2020 and you have not taken a shower since Xmas’s Eve. It’s not important how i ended up here writing to you, or even how bad i’ve been feeling these days. what’s past is in the past, i told myself i would give me until the new year so i know i am also taking advantage of that...anyways again i am talking too much.

the deal is: you gotta get your life back and we understood you cannot do that alone. i have the exams coming so for now i need to be focused and concentrated on those. after that i am gonna search for someone who can help me understand what’s going on in that head of mine.

it’s been way too long since i last truly enjoyed being myself and being alive. i want to be happy again and laugh again until i cry and feel alive again, i want to fall in love with who i am and with every little thing that makes being alive a gift.

these are my goals:

1. unfortunately my first thought goes to my exams: GOD give me enough mental health to prepare them and pass them

2. fix yourself and love yourself

3. be grateful for what you have and for the opportunities life gives everyday

4. dedicate more time to what makes you you

5. don’t hate yourself over food

6. laugh

7. love

8. enjoy the little things

9. embrace the challenges of life

10. find your way back to you

11. travel

12. dream

13. fight for what you love and for what’s right

14. be kind

15. read more

16. sharpen your cinematic culture| make yourself one

17. don’t stress over what was yesterday and what can be tomorrow, live the present: day by day

18....

these are just some of the simple rules i wanna live by starting from tomorrow. they’re not imperative, some days i can forget to follow them, some days are just big fat NOs, i have to accept it and move on.

until then, be brave little and sick G, see you in 2021, stay alive!

[aficaria]

Lucis in the Rain

I had decided to get myself back into writing. And in all honesty, I’m actually really trying. New styles here and there and maybe I might actually push myself to up my vocabulary game and also my word count.

Anyways, Happy 2018!

Yes, I know it’s 5 days late. But better late than never.  And comments and critics are always welcome as I’m trying my best to improve! If anything, any opinions would be taken in seriously in time for my newest fic. 

Title: Lucis in the Rain Pairing: Lightning Farron x Noctis Lucis Caelum Length: ?? I have no idea. AO3 ULR: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13276860

Without further ado;

Planning wasn't in Noctis' forte.

If anything, most of the planning work goes to Ignis. He is the beast of strategies, of accuracies and surprises. And if being Noctis' future personal adviser is anything to go by-- Ignis is just the best mother in any situation. The one ready to spoil Noctis when given the opportunity to do so.

At least until now.

Thing was, Ignis had blatantly rejected Noctis' plead to plan out the best night with a certain pinkette. It was New Years Eve; and for Astrals sake, Noctis just wants to put on a good impression on that lady. Lightning wasn't one to be half assed with. But Ignis had turned down those pitiful blue orbs down with a straight forward, “It’s your date, not mine.”

And with that Noctis had the most stressful week to plan out the best Date™. From having to choose the right places to go, to finding out what suits Lightning’s schedule and what is her preferences. And ultimately, Noctis had begun to swear to Ignis for not at least helping out because this is the first time the prince had done something remotely tiring.

And by the Gods if being half ass wasn't Noctis' only attribute.

So here they are, both young adults crowded under one flimsy umbrella, soaking through their garments. And to be more accurate of the situation, the umbrella wasn't even the prince's. It was luck on his part that the young soldier had brought one upon request of her younger sister. So nope, Noctis was not prepared at all.

The young prince's demeanor was calm but for the love of God; he was having a mental breakdown. Of all things he had to forget when planning this excuse of a date was the weather. The rain was building up and the wind was getting stronger. And there's still an hour left till the fireworks.

Noctis just wants to jump into the nearest trash bin.

"Are you tired?"

"No. This is nothing compared to patrol duty." The female soldier simply shrugged before raising a brow at the man beside her. "How about you? Are you tired?"

Noctis shook his head, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "Just worried for you. Isn't it cold? I mean with you wearing those short sleeves and everything."

Pale Aqua eyes continued to stare at the male beside her. The prince may be reticent but he's easy enough for long time friends to be read. Even after knowing him for maybe a year or so, the pinkette grew accustomed to the prince’s reserved self. If not for her training as a soldier, it was obvious from his demeanor that he was actually getting tired from standing under the rain. If not for his weight shifting, the slouching of his shoulders would’ve given it away.

Plus, he couldn't be any more obvious to his own personal suffering. Lightning knew of the prince's constant whinning from none other than Ignis Scientia-- okay, maybe also from passing by a certain training room of the King's shield once a week. Though, it was kind of adorable of him to always act macho for her impression of him. But for the sake of the prince’s ego, maybe the soldier should just keep her opinions to herself.

"I'm fine." She mumbles, sticking her wet back against Noctis. Adjusting herself to stand in front of the prince. Even though this was a ‘date’, Lightning still has a duty to uphold, especially as a member of the Kingsglaive. And of course, the courts wouldn't be all that happy to find their prince to be sick the next morning. So, if standing infront of him was anything to go by, at least he had more space to shield himself from the rain. Eyes averting, keeping her attention to looking for any suspicious behavior.

Achoo--

Silence passed by both adults.

"Okay, maybe I'm getting a little cold."

"Heh, why didn't you just say so?" Letting out a little chuckle, noting how that sneeze was extremely adorable on her part. It was even cuter for her to still play aloof after. Shifting the umbrella to rest on his right shoulder, he let the umbrella's handle to drop to his right shoulder before shrugging of his bomber jacket. "Here put this on. It might help, at least the rain won't get to your shoulders."

"Thanks."

Lightning grabbed the already wet jacket from his rough hands and proceed to put them on. Immediately Noctis could feel the droplets of rain starting to seep through his somewhat damp black T-shirt. The feeling was less inviting but-- if that would mean Lightning being somewhat more comfortable than him, then so be it.

"So uhm-- why Lightning?" Glossy blue eyes stared at the woman infront.

Raising a brow at the prince, "What do you mean, why Lightning?"

"I mean, why not some other names?" Oh Ifrit, someone shut him up right now. "i-It's not like your name isn't cool or anything, but... I mean, don't you have your rights to choose the names?"

Dead silence.

Oh Gods, he may have fucked it up now. Blue orbs staring anywhere but the woman infront of him, he just doesn't wanna look at her expression. Why in the right mind would someone ask why is their name, their name. But for the love of Shiva, he was trying. And the pinkette standing infront of him knew of that. In all honesty, Lightning couldn't help but laugh at her partner, knowing that the prince's awkwardness would be his undoing one day.

"Actually, Lightning was so much better than the other name I was going to be given." She smirked, playing along with the prince's awkward curiosity. "Plus, it wasn't I who was tryna drill that name to everyone's mind. Just that, everyone back at KG dubbed me 'as quick and witty as Lightning'. And it just kind of stuck through."

"And what might that other name would be?"

"Demon bitch?" She snorts, always eager to tease the prince. "I swear, Your highness. You just keep digging that grave."

"My apologies. I didn't know that asking a really obvious question was me digging my own grave." The prince pouts, casually ignoring his own social ineptitude. "But you gotta' admit, now that the elephants out of the room-- we can talk about other things."

"Other things?" Lighting was laughing at this point, "If watching you casually making a fool of yourself is what other things are-- then I'll gladly accept it and savor it like fine red wine," she emphatises, right hand lifting up to comically swirling a crystal glass between her fingers.

The prince snorts, blue eyes glistening under the streetlights. "Is my suffering something to be make fun of, Soldier?"

"You gotta admit, it's kinda cute when you do it." The pinkette smiles genuinely at him, before turning her attention to the watch resting on her right wrist. "--besides, I think you look much better now compared to before. I think you look better confident, your Highness."

"Thanks. I'll be sure to continue being a social potato if that would mean having a positive impression for you. " He grumbled somewhat bitterly. The prince sounds totally unamused that the fellow soldier had found his social suffering enjoying while the pinkette is all perfect. The ravenette tilts the umbrella to the other side, allowing his shoulder to relax. Joking as he may be right now, he hasn't let the way Lightning has called him to slide. "And please stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Calling me anything relating to my birthright." Damp hair swaying as the ravenette shook his head in disappointment. It wasn't like he didn't like being called by his royalty. If anything, it felt degrading for anyone he considered close to him. He wants everyone to see him as an equal; because he respect his friends for whom they are.

"Would it make you feel better if I call you by your name, then?" The soldier teases, grinning now. It wasn't like she had done it on purpose. Having a job in the citadel would have obligated her duty to call anyone with higher authority the tittle they are bestowed. Plus, lighthearted banter with the future king of Lucis doesn't mean that she should be fully relaxed around him. Lightning isn't the type whom doesn't put responsibilities first. But still, it was entertaining to be with the prince like this.

There were many passerby, totally oblivious to both adults now standing under the rain for an hour and a half now. The two of them watched as they pass with slight envy, noticing how they were smart enough to bring rain coats. Though, Noctis was more desiring to have the type of relationship with the woman infront of him that he can exhibit. Lightning however, was much more envious of a certain floating object in the hands of many. The lighted balloons seem to draw the attention of the pinkette; despite her own rational mind would find that a waste of money.

Then again, if ego wasn't a word.

"Noctis."

Pale aqua eyes blinked in surprise. "Hm?"

"I'd prefer if you would call me that..." The prince explains, a hint of redness shimmering on his cheeks, his words slowly dwindle off mid sentence.

"Hmm.." Her voice sounding as if she was considering, shrugging away from the prince before turning back towards him. "I'll think about it."

"You gotta be kiddin' me." Noctis huffs, puffing his cheeks out comically; a habit he would probably wouldn't let go. "Light, I swear to Astrals--"

"Noctis."

"W-what?" Blue orbs staring at pale aqua ones.

Noctis hadn't thought that the Kingsglaive woman would've actually given in so easily. With how the conversation was going on, he would've actually thought that the pinkette would go on about responsibilities and the hierarchy of the citadel-- or whatever Ignis would always go on about. But he knew his ears did not fail him, and neither did his eyes as he could see as those beautiful ones tried to avert their attention at anywhere but him.

"I-I'm not going to repeat." The pinkette stuttered, not wanting the silence to drag out any longer. Teeth worrying on her bottom lip, Lightning hadn't thought herself as a stammering type. And Noctis knows that she's trying her best to push away whatever she had said like as if it was nothing. How many times have the pinkette even flustered under his watch? Not that many times. And now that she is? Astrals, Noctis is going to abuse it as much as he can.

"Lightning...." His voice falling on a lower octave. Smirking almost obviously, Noctis tilts the umbrella to the side, before grabbing the girl's shoulder infront of him. Lightning couldn't help but shiver under his watchful gaze. "Please?"

"I--"

Just as she was about to finish, the weather turned for the worse. What was once a small shower turned into a thunder storm and Noctis couldn't help but curse under his breath for such bad luck on his part. Pulling Lightning closer to him, he held the umbrella like it was their life line. From afar the crowd started to disperse, running frantically towards shelter.

"I think it's better if we follow the crowd, your Highness." There she goes again, calling him not by his name. They were in an unpleasant situation, shoes soaking, hair clinging and clothes almost dripping; not forgetting how Lightning had to actually shout to get her point across. Noctis had wanted to argue right then and there but ultimately only letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Right, let's go."

The trek towards 'shelter' wasn't pleasant either. Water was collecting into puddles and the cluster of humans rushing towards a tiny entrance into the nearest subway station was...sticky. Noctis couldn't help but feel a tinge of regret, almost wondering why he had decided to bring his little date to watch the fireworks outside.

Heck, he was the prince. If only he had taken up his father's offer to sit beside him in the podium, just right infront of the firework's platform-- a sheltered seat right infront of the platform to be exact. But no, he wanted a romantic gesture to impress the pinkette.

Well, look how well it's going now.

The sliver of light in this whole situation was that Lightning was holding his hand the entire course towards shelter. Straying away from the crowd, both adults managed to find a corner with no one at all. Right beside an office building, they could hear a party going on somewhere else.

"I'm sorry." Noctis couldn't help but mutter under his breath. It was embarrassing to say the least that he had dragged Lightning out of patrol duty to entertain his childish ideas on going on a date. He didn't think it would rain cats and dogs, all he wanted was to spend time with the lady of his life. "I--"

Lights flared and the sound of fireworks echoed throughout the city. From a distance, the sound of people shouting ecstatically could be heard. The sky's colors turned from a dull grey to red and yellow, the smell of smoke was obvious. Though that did not stop the rain from getting worse. Water was pooling below their feet, but Noctis didn't care.

At that moment, the prince was solely focusing on the pinkette's expression. The color of the lights reflected in her pale aqua eyes. Despite the monotonous atmosphere surrounding them, her radiant smile was all Noctis could see. Little does he know, a grin was already etched on his face.

"Happy new year, Light."

"It's Claire." She says, eyes not straining away from the flaring of fireworks far away. Despite that, she couldn't help but smirk, knowing that she had let go something sentimental to the young prince.

"What?"

"Claire." She repeats, "My real name isn't Lightning. It's Claire."

There's a long pause on Noctis' behalf. Light could almost hear the glee form on the future king's face. Because he knew it, Lightning was just another side name she had chosen to remain mysterious. Noctis had almost taken the opportunity to tease the soldier beside him, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he simply nodded.

"Happy New Year, Claire." He fixes, his hand moving to grab hers tightly.

"Happy New Year to you too, Noctis."

[meteora-writes]

Carousel

@reisar asked for a darker, more angsty AU fic where Troy and Nick meet in a mental institution and become friends. I freaking love this idea and am more than happy to write it, especially after they made me such epic art for my series The Trick To Being Happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Paring: Troy Otto x Nick Clark friendship (implied pre-slash)

Warnings: Mental Health Disorders, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Selective Mutism, Angst, Nick is Manic Depressive, Troy has BPD

Authors Notes: So I got a little inspiration from the song Carousel by Linkin Park, more specifically the second verse. I feel like the first half othe song would be about Gloria, and the second half is Nick.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick stuffed his hands into his pockets as he slowly walked down the long hallways that led to group therapy. The doctors had decided when he was admitted the night before that he needed to talk about what happened, and since he wouldn't open up in one-on-one therapy at rehab, they thought group therapy was worth a try here.

Manic-depressive with self-destructive tendencies and suicidal ideation.

The diagnosis didn't surprise him, but what they said after about the family history of suicide, that had. He'd always suspected his dad killed himself. But actually hearing that suspicion confirmed aloud was something he apparently wasn't ready for as it made him shut down further.

The truth of Nick's situation was, he didn't want to talk about what he'd been through. He didn't want to think about it either. He would rather go shoot up and follow Glo if he was lucky (or unlucky) enough.  

Even if he did talk, and get 'better', it would all be a bunch of bullshit. He'd get out, things would still be the same. Glo would still be gone, his mom would still guilt him about everything, and his perfect little sister would look at him with the same disdain as always, and he'd still be the lost boy trying to find his way in a world he wasn’t made for.

So, he didn’t talk. And they told him he didn't have to now, but he would eventually.

As he walked into the brightly lit room, he saw a few other patients milling about. A few in wood and vinyl arm chairs that sat in a circle. The others stood about and looked out the windows, sat on the floor with books, drew on the whiteboard with a dry erase marker. One girl even had wireless headphones and what looked like an iPod as they sat curled up in the corner watching everyone else by the girl who was drawing.

Nick took a seat by a guy who looked about his age, maybe a few years old. He had slightly curly light brown hairs and a slim build under his white t-shirt and baggy sweat pants. His head was tilted down as he read a book. When Nick tilted his own head, he could see it was a science text on biology. A college level book at that.

With a sigh he slouched in his seat and pulled his hood up over his head before stuffing his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.  A few minutes later the doctor leading the session came in and everyone got seated.

"Alright, who would like to get the ball rolling today?" The doctor, a middle aged brunette woman with glasses and a ponytail, asked, clicking her pen and getting ready to take notes.

The man who had been reading beside Nick snorted and closed his book loudly before dropping it on the floor at his feet with a resounding thud.

"Don't be rude, Troy." The doctor chided gently, giving him a tired look.

The guy, Troy, just crossed his arms over his chest and slouched back in his seat with his legs spread wide in a similar pose to Nick's. When he remained silent the doctor asked again and the girl who'd been listening to music earlier raised a hand before starting to speak softly.

Nick half listened to the other patients as they talked about their feelings and problems. He wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually the doctor asked Troy how he was doing today, and the man laughed.

"What about the new guy, he doesn't have to talk? You always make the new ones talk first." Troy said, giving Nick a look of distrust.

"Nick went through a recent trauma and has been selective about speaking. He's excused from talking for now if he doesn't want to. Now, would you care to tell us how you're doing?" The doctor asked, scribbling away at her notepad.

"You know me, doc. Still angry at my brother and sick of being here." He said easily as he leaned forward to pick up his discarded book from the floor.

"Have you talked to Jake since he came to see you last week?" One of the other patients asked. Her name was Laura, and she was the one who had been drawing flowers on the whiteboard when Nick walked in.

Troy snorted a laugh at the question. "He called last night. Tried to talk me into selling my share of the ranch again. I told him to go to hell. I don't care what he wants, I intend to go back and run the place when I get out of here." He said the last part resolutely.

"Are you sure that's wise, Troy? You spent the majority of your time there being turned into a soldier for your father's paranoid delusions. Going back might not be wise for your recovery." The doctor suggested, never pausing in her note taking.

"Living and working on that ranch is the only life I know, doc. I don't even have a high school diploma. No way I'd be able to get any kind of decent job without one. And with this god damned mental disorder I've been stamped with no way I could join the army or do anything else I have any interest in. There's nothing else for me." Troy argued.

"Alright, Troy, we'll discuss this further in our private session tomorrow. I think this has been enough for today. Why don't you all go about your free time now and we'll meet back here in two days." The doctor said as she closed her notebook and moved to stand.

When Nick moved to stand as well, Troy bumped shoulders with him unintentionally. They traded looks, but neither said anything as they moved to leave the room.  

Over the next few day's Nick ran into Troy a few times outside of group therapy, but the other man ignored him. He sort of made friends with Laura (she kept drawing him flowers and taping them to the wall of his room when he was in there) and Maggie (the girl with the headphones).  

Both girls would sit with him, and rather than try to make him talk, they talked to each other or just sat silently and did their own thing. It actually helped him feel better than any medication or therapy session had so far.

At breakfast on the fifth day into his hospitalization, Maggie put her headphones on Nick's ears when he was zoned out and put her iPod in his hands. She told him he looked like he needed it more than she did at the moment, and that she'd just get it back before one of them was discharged. The smile she gave him when he thanked her was the first he'd seen from her the whole 5 days he'd known her.

When Nick walked into group therapy with the headphones around his neck, Troy perked up from his scribbling in a notebook with a red crayon to give him a questioning look. "You like music, Nicky?"

Nick just blinked owlishly at him and gave a shrug before taking his seat beside Troy.

"If you don't like music, why do you have Maggie's headphones?" Troy asked, leaning forward to look at Nick around the edge of his hood.

"She said I looked like I needed them." Nick said in a low voice. He had the feeling that Troy wouldn't leave him alone if he didn't answer.

"He speaks! It's a god damn miracle! What's next, you gonna walk on water for us?" Troy said loudly with a grin, looking around the room at the other disinterested patients. The only one that seemed to be paying attention was Laura, who looked up from her scribbling on the whiteboard to smile at Nick from across the room.

Nick just shook his head and slouched down in his seat to wait for everyone else to arrive and the session to start.

Once everyone was seated the doctor looked to Nick first. "Nick, it's your third session with the group. I think it's time you share a little." She said, tone gentle and reassuring.

Nick cleared his throat and shifted around in his seat uncomfortably. He knew he'd have to speak eventually, and he fucking hated it. "I'm here because I'm a junkie and I had a breakdown when my girlfriend died of an overdose when we were both using about two weeks ago." He said, eyes locked on a scratch on the tile floor before him.

A few people gasped at Nick's words. Whether from his content of the statement or the fact that he was actually speaking was anyone's guess.

"And how have you been feeling since you got here?" The doctor asked, trying to coax him to say more.

"Well, I feel like shit from detoxing. But the carousel keeps turning, can't get off till it stops." Nick said, trying to avoid his actual feelings.

"Anything else?" She asked, taking notes rapidly.

Nick heaved a sigh and let his head fall back against his chair as he slouched down further. "I feel lost." He found himself admitted, hating how gravely his voice was from lack of use. "I don't know what people expect me to do here."

"Well, Nick, we expect nothing. What we hope is that you'll open up and let us help you learn to cope with everything you've been through as well as learn to manage your condition." The doctor said, tone still calm and assuring.

A somewhat manic chuckle escaped Nick's lips at that. "Yeah, because learning to handle being manic-depressive on top of being a junkie is so easy."

"No one ever said mental health was an easy thing to learn to maintain, Nick. It's a battle. Every day. That's why we're all here. To fight that battle together and help you all find the strength to keep fighting on your own when you leave this place."

This time it was Troy that chuckled, drawing Nick's gaze away from the doctor. "You should make that info a motivational poster."

"Or one of those self-help tapes that people buy at gas stations." Nick suggested as he pulled his hood down to look at Troy, earning a grin and another laugh from the other man.

"I think we can be friends now." Troy said, still smiling at Nick.

The doctor cleared her throat as she continued to take notes. "Alright, let's move on. Who'd like to speak share next?"

Another patient started talking and Nick glanced at them briefly before glancing back to Troy, who was still smiling at him before opening his notebook back up and starting to write again with his red crayon.

After therapy was over Troy grabbed Nick's arm and pulled him aside to talk as the others exited the room and made their way to do other things. "I meant what I said about us being friends." He said with a broad smile as he stuffed his notebook and crayon into the pocket of his black hoodie.

Nick felt the corner of his mouth quirk into a small smile of his own. He didn't respond, just turned on his heel and started walking towards the art room. Laura was going to make paper roses today and he liked to watch her work.

"Aw, come on. Don't be like that, Nicky." Troy said as he followed the younger man down the hallway. "I'll make you a deal. You talk to me, and I'll help you get out of here." He offered, now walking alongside Nick down the long hallway.

Nick snorted a laugh at that and kept walking.

"I'm serious." Troy said, placing a hand on Nicks shoulder and making him stop to face him.

"Look, Troy, thanks for the offer, but I've got it under control. I don't need help." Nick said with a tired sigh.  

"Alright, then, just talk to me? I'm not gonna psycho analyze you like the rest. You and me, I think we got a lot in common." He said as he let go of Nicks shoulder and gave him and almost sheepish look.  

Nick rolled his eyes at that. "What makes you so sure of that?"

"We're both the black sheep of the family. We both got put here for having breakdowns. And I've got a feeling we're both not looking forward to what's waiting for us when we get out of here." Troy wagered, taking a step into Nick's personal space.

Taking a moment to consider Troy's words, Nick shrugged and went to put Maggie's headphones over his ears. "Alright. I'm gonna watch Laura make flowers. You coming?" He asked before turning away to continue on to the art room.

Troy grinned and followed after him without hesitation.

A month later Troy was the first one to be released. He came back every other day to visit Nick and a few weeks later when the younger man was about to be released, Troy invited him to live on the ranch, and Nick said yes.

[revol-lover]

need to vent.

This weekend was a shit show and I took a mental health day from work today. I promised my husband I wouldn't dwell on the issues of the weekend and I would try to take it easy but I need to let this out, I need to vent. And then I can move forward. Its so important for me to write these things down because I can only be strong for so long before I become weak willed again and let toxic people start their cycle of abuse all over on me. I need to have written reminders of what I’ve gone through to remind myself that I don't deserve this abuse and I need to limit contact.

So as I previously posted, I haven't visited my parents in a couple weeks. They haven't bothered to check in on how I am doing even though I usually visit on weekends. No one checks in on me. I’ve put a shit ton of effort into my relationship with them since getting married (well since forever but especially since moving out, keeping in touch. Its all been one sided effort coming from me). I was legitimately busy and exhausted with everything we have going on, being in my third trimester of pregnancy. I work all week, I have things to do after work nearly every single day of the week except for occasionally one or if I’m very lucky, two days, and most weekdays I work, come home, rest for an hour, make dinner, husband comes home, we eat, then we do errands and things that we have to get done during the week (groceries, laundry, house tidying, tending to the plants at the cemetery, visiting his grandmother, visiting his father at the hospital).

Being pregnant has been for the most part easy for me, and I don't take that for granted. Regardless, I’m still getting bigger and less comfortable, I have to drink a gallon of water a day which is getting difficult. I’m just tired. Most weekdays we arent home from our responsibilities until 7 pm. Then we unwind and spend time together before going to sleep and starting all over again. Therefore, my weekends have become very precious to me, as they should be. And I haven't been feeling up to visiting my parents. I am never invited over. But I’m apparently just expected to make an effort, one they do not make.

Well this weekend was my godmother’s 50th birthday. Her boyfriend wanted to surprise her with birthday cake and have family over. I wasnt sure I’d be up to going but I got suckered into buying the cake because her son had to work and no longer could and her boyfriend was surprising her with this so he couldn't go get it himself. So now I “had” to go. My parents were going so I figured this is fair enough. They will see me. It kills to birds with one stone. Well as I’m standing on my godmother’s porch waiting for them to open the door my parents walk up to the porch. My dad says hello and how have I been doing, before I have time to even properly answer he follows it up with a very bitter sounding “haven't seen you in a LONG time”. He really is trying to give me a guilt trip when he doesnt even text me. He hasn't sent me a text since April 4th and that was a “lol ok” reply to a text I had sent to him trying to make conversation about the baby. He has not called me. He has not been in touch, but he is mad that I have not gone by to visit. So I told him, straight up. “Well, I’ve been busy. My week days are busy, we have had a lot going on and I have been trying to get things done and still relax on the weekends, Oh and I’m pregnant. Also you could text me to check how I am doing and you haven't so. “He of course got mad that I had the nerve to say whats the fucking truth and was like “ I know your pregnant what is that supposed to mean” and then he stuttered angrily on “what do you mean about texting”  (does this even need an explanation? no. he doesnt get in contact with me but expects me to put him first at the busiest time of my life.) but I ignored the rest because my god mom opened the door and I Wasnt about to have an argument on her door step. So I go inside. And he persists the issue. He starts questioning me. “What do you do during the week” “what do you do during the weekend” as if I owe an explanation!!!!!! At this point I was getting flustered because I honestly wanted to fucking tell him off but being a decent person unlike apparently him, I wasnt about to have this conversation at someone’s birthday celebration! If you have problem with me address it at an appropriate time! How hard is that to comprehend. So I quickly listed off that I have been busy working and doing things we need to do to get ready for the baby and also, you know having a midwife appointment once every two weeks, soon every week. I shouldn't have even had to try to defend myself. i don't owe him a breakdown of my schedule and why he doesnt fit in it. Especially when the doesnt try to get in contact with me ever and was so disrespectful in the way he attacked me immediately with a guilt trip. The rest of the dreadful 30 minutes I was there was spent not looking at him or my mom and trying not to talk to them because I just can't do it man. I can't. My mom wasnt as bad as she couldve been but it doesnt matter. He made up for it. The annoying thing she did is, so my little niece was there, she’s 4. I haven't seen her either in a few weeks. So I picked her up. My mom literally SCREAMED “Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!” at me as if I am a fucking imbecile or flower petal who can't pick up a SMALL CHILD while I am pregnant. As if I don't know my own limitations. Oh that pissed me off and I told her that its not dangerous for me to pick up my niece and I know what I am able to do. Omfg god though. like seriously does she think I’m not going to pick up and give affection to my first child when my second comes? It was such a stupid thing to have her freak out about. As if she cares. She didnt care when I was a teenager and intentionally hurting myself because of her abuse  but she is going to freak out about me holding a child while I’m pregnant..

As we were leaving my mom handed my husband a birthday card but not without “well we didnt see you last weekend so I couldn't give it to you sooner”. They did not contact me to tell me to tell him happy birthday lol. They live two minutes away. they could have easily dropped it off themselves. But its our fault, right? Then she tried hinting that I should try to visit sometime during the week “if I want” to which.. I didnt even respond. I just ignored it. I’m not doing this guilt trip shit. I don't owe them a visit. I’m not coming to them. If they want to see me they need to make an effort because all they do is bring me stress which I don't need right now. It could have been handled so differently. All my dad had to say was “How have you been?” and left out the guilt trip. There was no need for it.

So anyway. I kept my cool on the entire situation  as best I could. But then we got home. And I just.. idk. I unravelled. I was so angry. I AM still angry. I twas out of line. I hate that my dad thinks he has the right to treat me that way. That I owe him something when he puts 0 effort into the relationship. When we do visit he's glued to his phone. He doesnt even interact. He had no right to attack me with a guilt trip. I was so upset by this when I go t home. I was pacing and shaking and having chest pain and I know this is all really bad for the baby but I couldn't calm down and this is exactly why I can't do this shit anymore. I shouldn't have to live my life afraid of when I’ll see them next because god forbid I have been making my own health and child and marriage a priority. I shouldn't have to apologize or explain that. I wrote a long message I was going to send him but didnt. I don't feel like theres anything I can say to get through to someone who doesnt understand the basic simple point of me putting myself first right now. Largely pregnant, less then 2months from the birth of my child with still a lot to do and decreasing energy and ability to do it, never mind making mentally exhausting visits to unappreciative people.. 

 I thought about calling instead of texting it. But again. I was already stressed out. I was having chest pain My husband was worried sick about me and our baby. My father isn't worth the stress but I can't just turn a switch when it comes to being treated the way I was. How can I just turn a switch and not care? I do not like cofrontation or being attacked. And I didnt deserve it. I’m being attacked for doing the right thing. For taking care of myself and my child. I’m being attacked for having my priorities straight. Do you realize how fucking much that fucks with my psyche? Its not something I can just let go.

I thought for a second I should send him an article on how stress during pregnancy can affect the baby. Yeah except I saw a scary statistic about how third trimester stress can spike up your chance of having a stillborn and went into a legitmate panic attack and my husband had to just take the phone from me. I eventually calmed down but the situation hasn't left my mind. I am home today trying to mentally recoup. I’m trying to just take care of myself but it keeps creeping into my thoughts. The disrespect. What his attack caused - the chest pains and crying and freaking out. That didnt need to happen.. that hsouldnnt have happened. That could very seriously pose a risk to me and my child like pre term labor or other terrible things. Like it just fucks me up that my own father can be so immature and careless in his actions and not even realize how it affected me. Because I care too much. Because I can't believe that after being such a good daughter despite the abuse I’ve received in my childhood, and despite his complete life long lack of protecting me from my mother, the times I’ve thought about cutting my mom off entirely but didnt because I didnt want to lose him.... the fact that all of that exists and is a part of my life, and he doesnt even care enough to treat me with the most minimal amount of respect. That he caused me so much stress it caused physical pain and put me and my child at risk. It just baffles me. I feel like he needs to know what he has done. He needs to know it wasnt ok and he hurt me. But I dint have the strength to even try to talk to him again. And it sucks because I’m forced to see him sunday at my baby shower. Then the week after is fucking fathers day. Then what am I supposed to do with that? I don't even want to see him again period and I’m forced to. I can't be having these things happen every single weekend when Im supposed to be relaxing and I don't know how to avoid it. I’m so fucking stressed out.  I wish I could just move far away and never see or speak to them again. I’m at my wits end and legitimately do not care anymore who I lose in the process but I can't do it with them being so close. I feel so trapped.

[troglobite]

so yesterday in my playwriting class we all handed out our scripts to get ready and organized for workshopping in the coming weeks

and last night i went through and read nearly all of the scripts

i currently have just under two dozen of them

and almost exactly half deal specifically with Very Heterosexual Issues

by which i mean

- the baby’s not mine! - you’re being distant! so i cheated! - ~dating drama~  - pregnant women are soooo annoying (a woman wrote this one)

out of most of those

probably about half of them are specifically about shitty heteros cheating on each other for stupidass reasons 

WHY is this the most edgy and “realistic” plot device that y’all can come up with, like holy shit?

there’s even one that’s all ~futuristic~ about like...human breeding programs modeled after adam and eve. and they make comments about how Women Are Just This Way and Men Are Always Like This and how they’re supposed to be into each other and how the evidence of them actually being a decent match is that they’re being assholes to each other. 

i am so sick of tired heterosexual plotlines

what’s worse is there’s one that, i think, is targeting autistic people and trans women

the plot is basically: angry guy (who is apparently autistic--he loudly proclaims that his anger management issues and violent outbursts are not because he is autistic) who sees a therapist, but is a writer, and wants to meet the guy who wrote his favorite novels that he’s loved since he was a kid. the best he gets is a meeting with the woman who runs his estate, she reads the manuscript, they start talking. it’s revealed at the end that this woman is actually the author guy but dressed as a woman. the title is ‘different than men’. this reveal comes after discussing how the author suffered horrible mental health issues and lost touch with reality and became a recluse after suffering a loss in the family.

and the reasoning given for him dressing as a woman? “bc it makes me feel closer with my sister? bc i’m comfortable? who knows?”

what’s more is that there’s the moment of “ OH MY GOD. YOU’RE A MAN?”

and even worse is the character description for the woman who he initially appears to be, is that she’s “strangely beautiful”

so it reeks of transmisogyny but i’m not sure at all that’s what he intended. 

it ends with the main autistic guy very quickly getting over the shock--he’s more shocked that it’s the author, i think?--and then he starts to breakdown because the author says “this isn’t what you really want. what do you actually want?” and he starts crying and says “i don’t know what i want.”

i think that’s supposed to mean that 1. not only is he Different Than The Rest Of Society (implied by a specific line of discussion in the play that i didn’t mention) but perhaps that 2. he, too, is actually trans or more comfortable in drag? idk.

either way it seems to imply that

1. transness is a mental illness 2. violent outbursts are related with only mental illness/disability 3. therefore that this guy is violent either because he is autistic or because he is actually trans 

and i...have no fucking clue what this play is actually about. no idea. 

and i think, maybe, on some level, he doesn’t either?

i will say that, having met the kid and seen him talk/act/etc., there’s a chance he’s maybe autistic, himself. 

the trans/dressing as a woman thing, though? like what the fuck.

technically speaking the character reveal at the end is well-seeded, it’s done well, and, if you drop the fucking transmisogyny and the removal of the wig, it would actually be a great reveal. 

so i mean i guess i wait until we workshop his play for me to say all of that.

but it made me physically anxious wondering what people would say about my play which has a nonbinary character.

i am anticipating literally no one (except for prof and two friends in class, maybe one or two others) using the correct pronouns for them.

am anticipating everyone asking/talking about that instead of the structure of the play

am anticipating people defending stephanie (cis character who has fucked up in a strange, not overly bigoted way)

so i’m really dreading it

but then also 

we have to pre-choose people to read our play out loud for us when it comes time to workshop

so i have to select two people from my class to read this play out loud for me.

and i kind of don’t trust anyone to actually do it right. 

and the one person i’d trust to do it right wouldn’t be good/comfortable with reading for rowan. wouldn’t really want to do that to him. and also don’t want people to misgender rowan by choosing a guy to read for them. even though they’re dmab, they’re not male/a dude and i don’t want people to get Any Ideas. 

but that’ll happen no matter what. i’m pretty much the only one in class who’s genderqueer so.

anyway.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #3; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

PART THREEE, FACEBOOK IM NOT A HARM TO MYSELF OR OTHERS THIS IS IN MY PAST XX TRIGGER WARNING XX 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .