#but for the sake of my mental wellbeing and more I've decided it's best for me to not take this further

[theladygazingatemptiness]

jesus fuck do I feel like a total idiot rn

[ambling-in-ambarino]

"And I know that you think about everything I did wrong...

... but I do, too,"

Today, I had an anxiety attack while driving. I won't divulge in the details, but it's when things like this happen that really open my eyes up to just how marred by our years together I've become. Still, I don't blame you, nor myself. We were naïve, blinded to what we were doing to each other. At least, for the larger portion of our relationship.

I harbor no ill-will toward you, but when things like this happen, or when I'm invalidated for how I feel, whether it be positive or negative, I can't help but become wrought by my own emotion.

This isn't something I've come out and openly discussed with anyone, the things that happened between us. In the beginning, it was difficult, but I find myself checking your socials less and less - I'm moving on, I think. Finally.

However, it is in times like these that I want to write out everything on my mind, everything that occurred from start to end. It would be lengthy and teeming with bits of ugliness, resentment, sorrow, guilt, and relief, but I'll do my best to keep it concise and free of raw feelings.

You're not going to find and read this; at least, I don't think that you will. In the unlikely scenario that this letter dedicated to the void does make its way to you, well, I suppose that you've received the closure you've so much as wanted. It's something that you deserve, and I'm sorry that I'm denying you of it, but let me explain why I've decided to trudge down this course instead of confronting you. This will not provide comfort, nor do I intend for it to inspire hope. Purely, this is for myself.

I can only vaguely recall the last conversations we shared together, but it's the very last one that sticks out the most to me. As a hypochondriac, I took some things you told to me very, very seriously: I sought out help. It wasn't immediate, of course - I had to wait for responses, so I vanished. I didn't think at the time that, that would be the last we'd ever speak to each other. However, upon speaking with this professional, I found that I was validated in what I've expressed to you a couple times in the past; that we weren't compatible any longer and were only causing more harm than good.

We both exhibited harmful behaviors toward each other that will leave lasting wounds on our persons, and I sincerely apologize for that. I know what I've done wrong and I'm working very hard to be a better person as a result. Unfortunately, our time together has come to an end. I don't want to hurt you any longer, and I'm sorry that suddenly pulling away the way that I did evidently brutalized your person.

It wasn't intentional, and I've hurt myself in the process, but I had to do it this way because I recall attempting this twice before, trying to leave so that we both may be at peace. In the end, I was always looped back in, believing that you would improve and that so would I, or burdened with waves of guilt for what you might do should I leave you and start on my own path.

In the most painful way possible, I am an empath; I am far too in-tune with peoples' emotions, to the point that I cast my own wellbeing to the wayside for the sake of others. It was time to be selfish, for my own mental health.

There is no resentment on my end and I do very much cherish the good memories we created together fondly. Again, ending 15+ years worth of friendship wasn't something I inherently wanted to do. In checking your social media, I see that, amidst the struggle to adjust to my absence, some positive things have cropped up in your life. I am proud of how far you've come as an individual and I am glad of all that you have achieved, almost to a point of envy but only because of how much I set on the backburner to uplift you.

On the other end, I have read some of the more raw and venom-infused letters you've left for me, perhaps thinking I wouldn't see them. You're very validated in how you feel, and, once more, I apologize for the pain I've caused or the waves I've created in your life as well as personal progress.

In the end, I did what I did to put an end to the hurt that we were unknowingly doing to each other. I hope you continue to grow, prosper, and do things for yourself. I sincerely wish that someone, or multiple people, step into your life and cast a new light upon you. I only added to the already existing difficulty you face when it comes to trusting individuals, but I do believe you will find your people.

I did what I did because I care.