#but for now let me have my gay grandpas dream ok?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amindofstone · 4 years

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Jolly sailor

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a/n: Dream a little dream with me and imagine. Imagine Luffy being able to save Ace and him making it out of the Marineford. Imagine him taking Whitebeards place as the captain and keeping the crew together. Now imagine...

Words: 5164 (I´m sorry my fingers didn´t stop typing.)

Genre: anime imagine?

Warnings: Maybe grammar or spelling mistakes. (I genuinely apologize. English is not my mother tongue and I´m really trying to improve. So please be so kind and have mercy)

Character(s): Portgas D. Ace x reader (Serena)

Info: For better reading keep in mind that the words in italic are Serenas (readers) train of thoughts. And the words put between a note “” are the lyrics of the song “Jolly Sailor Bold” I was inspired by.

!!! Please do not steal my idea or work. Credit me if this is shared or published in any other platform or any other way. This took me a lot of time. So please respect me as the writer and my work. Piczure is not mine. Credits to the rightful owner (Twitter: @tsuyomaru1a). !!!

}

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“Mommy?”, said the boy sitting at the dining table, while trying to focus on his drawing. Serena, the mother of the boy with the raven black hair hummed in response without looking up from her painting. “Where you ever at the Grand Line or the New World?”, Serena who was painting the person that appeared in her dreams last night, stopped in her tracks and looked at the direction the little boy was sitting at. The question of her son caught her by surprise what made her look at him quite dumbfounded. “Ehm… Dear, where did that question come from now?”, she asked while she put her brush aside. The little boy who still wasn´t looking up shrugged his shoulders and gave an answer what could also have been that from his father. “Probably somewhere from the corner of my brain.”, he answered and looked his mother in the eyes. He knew that his way of talking resembled that of his father a lot what always surprised his mother when he talked because he rarely was home, but still he managed to sound like him. So every time he said something his father also could have said, his mother would stop doing whatever she was busy with at the moment and just stare at him with the same loving eyes she looked at his father. And every time she did so, he always tried to never miss the sight of that, because it made him proud to see that he could make his mother happy with such a simple thing.

“Well yes, I grew up on an island on the Grand Line until my teenage years. After I turned 20 I guess I ended up somewhere in the New World where I also met your father. But you already know that so why ask me that?”, Serena slowly approached her son and sat down next to him. Her son Faun, who seemed to be thinking about something deeply, put his pen down and intended to ask another question when he stopped himself by putting his small hand over his mouth. The little gesture made the brunet haired woman next to him laugh. Faun was now slowly looking back to his mothers face and tried to form a proper sentence. “May I.. ehm.. ask you some questions about… well about… you and… dad?”, although the young boy knew that his mother did not like talking about her past he always wanted to know so much about her. He always tried to ask her some questions but she somehow always managed to get out of those situations by changing the topic or making him forget what he wanted from her. Even now he had no hope of hearing her tell him her and his dad’s story. He was about to apologize and get back to his drawing when she took him in her arms and left her atelier behind. “Mom? Where are we going?”, asked the confused little boy. But Serena just smiled at him lovingly and kept walking. When she did not reply to him he decided to keep quiet and see what´s going to happen. Little did he know that she was going to tell him the story he always wanted to hear. Serena walked into her bedroom and placed her usually talkative son on the bed she slept on alone for the last eight months. Sitting on his mother’s bed, Faun was following her steps with his eyes. While she was busy taking a box out of her closet. After taking the box out of its place she closed the doors to her closed and walked back to her son and sat down next to him on the bed that seemed to be bigger than usually since she slept alone on it.

“Tell me Faun. I do know that you saw pictures of me when I was younger but did you ever saw a picture of your father when he was younger or a child?”, the Question caught the ten years old boy by surprise what made him blink a few times. But he quickly pulled himself together and shook his head a bit to fast. She gave him a loving smile and went through his raven black hair. “In that case I´ll start telling you something about your father with some pictures of him and that of some others. Alright?”, the look the incredibly beautiful boy gave her was worth to be photographed but she did not dare to leave him just to go and get a camera so she just took him in her arms and kissed his cheek while laughing. “You have pictures of Dad, when he was younger?! Wow! Was he good looking? Was he as muscular as he is now?”, curiosity rolled over Serena’s son what made him ask one question after another. It took him a while until she could calm him down and make him focus on what she is going to tell him so she took her time and let him talk for a while. While he did so she couldn´t stop thinking about his father, her husband. The man who stole her heart, her mind and her soul.

A man every person feared and respected at the same time. A man whose story was spread around the world like that of a tale. Whose story was seen as that of a hero who also played the villain at the same time. The name of that man is well known. A tale with a title that can create any kind of emotions when read. A title made of just a name. A name that was and forever will be the cause of her racing her heart and trembling hands. A name that was engraved in her heart and carried by her soul with so much love and passion that it caused her pain. A name that was always on her mind. Portgas D. Ace.

I wonder how he is doing right now. Is he alright? Is he hurt? Is he getting enough sleep?

“Mom? Is everything ok?”, Serena got lost in her thoughts thinking about the man who promised her to come see her every four months and forgot that she had her son sitting in front of her. “Mom is everything alright? You look sad. Did I upset you?”, the huge smile that was lingering on the plum red lips of her son was now gone. Serena knew that Faun was not the child he used to be. A little boy she could trick with a smile or by changing the topic. He no longer was the naïve boy he used to be. He was a mature 10 years old boy. For her taste even to mature but Luffy said that he is just like Ace himself. He told her stories about him as a 10 years old boy who was also really mature for his age and who did things she could never think of.

🎼 Upon one summer's morning, I carefully did stray. Down by the Walls of Wapping, where I met a sailor gay. 🎼

Faun was about to call his mother again when she took a deep breath and started to speak in a soft calm voice. A voice that was so beautiful that could make any person weak in their knees. Her voice what was one of the many things Ace fell in love with.

“It was a calm and warm morning on the island I was living in at that time.”, Faun was taken aback for a second but quickly understood that she was telling him what he always wanted to hear. So he sat back and listened. “It was a huge island but not many people lived there. There was a small village of probably just 100 people. They were really nice people. Each of them was friendly and respectful, with caring and funny personalities. I loved them from the bottom of my heart. As you know my beloved Faun, I am half mermaid but they never judged me because of that. I fact they never made me feel out of place. They helped me and my father every day. They brought me my favorite sweets, my fathers favorite dishes and clothes for the both of us. When my mother came visiting us they would treat her like any other person on the island. They loved me and my small family so much that they even where ready to fight for us when one of the most strongest pirates stopped at the island and asked for my father. It was really funny because my father knew the pirates but they still were suspicious and didn´t trust them a bit. When my father invited some of them to our house the women of the village would come and literally drag me out of my house and keep me in theirs until they left.”, the memories of the village and the time she spend there made her emotional. She missed all of them. They turned in just a short period into her family. A family that loved her more than she ever deserved.

“Now guess who those pirated were my father knew?”, Faun did exactly was his mother asked him to do. He thought and came up with a bunch of famous pirate names but each time she said no. When he looked at his mother with a mad and frustrated sigh, a chuckle left her and she sat her son in between her legs and placed a kiss on his head. “It were the Whitebeard pirates, who are now called …”, before she could finish the sentence her son finished it with big eyes filled by amazement. “… the White Fire pirates. Grandpa knew Whitebeard?! But how?”, Serena smiled at her son and opened the box she previously took out of her closet. The box was filled with different pictures. Some by people he instantly recognized and some by people he didn´t knew. “My father was part of the Whitebeard crew and was in the fifth division. And what made this division so special was that it was called the swordsmen division. And yes. Before you start to freak out again, Grandpa is a swordfighter.”, it only took a second for the boy to lose control over himself again and to start jumping around out of excitement. “Oh Mother! You have to tell me more! Why did you never said that Grandpa was so awesome?!”, a small giggle left Serena before she took her sons hand in hers and sat him down in front of her again. “Father was an amazingly strong pirate and on top of that a good man. That´s why he was so loved by the village.”, Serena took out a picture of her father when he was in his forties and Serena just 19. Faun looked at the picture with an open mouth and talked without thinking. A habit he had from Ace. “No offense but he looks older than he is now on the picture. How can one look so old? And no wonder dad fell in love with you. You were beautiful! But now you are even more beautiful. Don´t tell dad but you even look better than him. Just a bit though!!”, the words that left the young boys mouth made Serena laugh. How come he is so much like his father when he´s barely home and with us?

“You really need to stop telling him that he looks so old. Otherwise he won´t come see us anymore.”, Serena let Faun still look at the pictures of her and her father when she took out a picture of Ace as a young man in the age of just 20.

🎼 Conversing with a young lass, who seem'd to be in pain. Saying, William, when you go I fear you'll ne'er return again. 🎼

“The day they came to our island was not one to be happy. It was a sad reunion between my father and the pirates. A lot of their crew mates where hurt and some of them were even close to death. They needed help and a new captain. One of those who were about to die was your father my dear Faun. Uncle Marco who is the commander of the first division was worried to death because he couldn´t help him. He was just able to keep him alive while he was in coma. And this is when I meet him for them first time. Badly injured and with a weakly beating heart that threatened to stop keeping him alive. My father called me and convinced me to heal him since I ate from a devil fruit that gave me the ability to heal people. Marco and the other commanders talked to me and promised me to give me anything I wanted when I would promise them to heal Ace. Their friend, their commander and the man they would die for.”. the memories of Ace when he was close to death made her realize how worried she was about him now. Ace, who was now her husband. He should have been here four months ago. He should have came and see her and their son but he didn´t came. He did not reply to any of her letters in the last two months. Her heart clenched with the thought of him getting hurt and she started to cry. “Mom? Why are you crying?”, She didn´t wanted her son to see her cry and make him worried. She didn´t wanted him to lose hope in his father and the promise that he´ll come see them again. So she wiped her tears away and smiled. “It´s just that I miss my old hometown. It’s nothing serious.”, Faun hugged his mother and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “No need to be sad. When dad comes home we can ask him how Grandpa is doing because he always visits him whenever he comes back home. Now please stop crying and show me your smile. I want to see your dimples and kiss them just like dad does whenever you’re sad!” Ace. Just know that although you might not be here with me and although I am left alone with my longing for you and the painful emptiness in my heart caused by your absence, the presence of our son takes all of that away from me.

Serena gave her son the smile he asked her to show him and instantly got showered with kisses. “Are you feeling better Mom? If not I give you more kisses and hug you for hours just like a koala does a tree. No wait. I hold onto you like a sloth holds onto a tree! Yes that´ll do for sure. Wait no! Sloths aren´t cute though….”, the adorable nonsense her son talked managed to make her laugh again. Marco was right; although father and son are not always together they are alike. Even to the point Faun sometimes looks like Ace´s clone. “Now what happened next? Please tell me more.”, Serena nodded and showed him more pictures.

🎼 My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold. There is nothing can console me, but my jolly sailor bold. 🎼

“It took us a long time until all of the men were healthy again. But it took us the most making sure Ace was back to his normal state. Although he had the power of the fire fruit it took a long time until he was fully healthy. That caused a lot of them to be worried since they planned to make him to their new captain at that time.”, Serena showed Faun pictures of some of the Commanders and Ace when he suddenly said something that made her blush. But as quickly as the pink shade crept up her cheeks as quickly did it also leave and that only because of the words of her little boy. “That’s a great story but how did you and dad fall in love? Can you tell me that? Uncle Marco told me that Dad is the main cause of any problem they have and a risky captain. He never backs off from any fight, what I also do and forever will but compared to him you are his total opposite. You are calm and he is loud. He is ready to take risks you try to avoid anything that is close to being a bit difficult. It´s like a normal civilian and a princess that ended up as a couple. How did you to end up marring?”, Serena looked at his son with an unreadable gaze lingering upon her. She was shocked by his words but also in the verge of laughing out loud. At the end she wasn´t able to keep her laughter in and started to laugh. While she was holding her stomach from the pain her son was looking at her with an emotionless face. “What did I say?”, with a slightly tilted head the green eyed boy was looking up at his mother with confusion written all over his face. “Oh dear!”, Serena wiped the tears away that fell on her cheeks before she started to talk again. “I do understand what you mean but don´t you know the saying opposites attracts? But going honest I have to admit that it did take us both a while before we actually understood that we had feelings for each other. In those weeks where I took care of him and his crew while they decided on how to start all over again as pirates, I started to get happy whenever he was around me. I turned into the happiest living being whenever he called me or asked me for a favor. Whenever he needed anything I was the first one to go get that. No matter what it was. I loved him but I couldn´t believe it at the beginning until he and his crew left the island. Days and nights passed and I got sadder whenever I saw something that reminded me of him. I couldn´t sleep. I couldn´t eat. I was lost and felt empty. I was restless and somehow just existing. One day I got a letter. The envelop had just my name on it and nothing else. But somehow I still knew that is was from your father. The letter itself had no actual beginning nor and ending. The content of the letter wasn´t anything special but still made me more than just happy. If any other person would have read it they would have been disappointed and wouldn´t think about it. They even would have called it unnecessary and nonsense. But to me it was more than that. It was special because it made me feel like he thought about me and the time he was on the island. You know what made it so special was that fact that he started his writing where our talking ended before he left. This was the beginning of us getting closer. The love I had for him, the sentence anyone who was in love would have probably said hundreds of times never left my mouth nor had a place in my letters for him. He on his side did also never mention those three magical words. I don´t know about him but I was way to scared to say it out loud or write it down. I was scared that he might not feel the same and just see me as a good friend. But my heart was telling me otherwise. I was always praying to read those three words in one of his letters but never was disappointed when he did not write it down. Getting those letters and writing mine for him was a feeling I could never explain. I was filled by pure joy and love whenever I read his letters or wrote for him.”, Serena talked and talked. She told him anything she could think of while her heart was racing and her eyes were fixed on her hand with the ring he proposed to her. She remembers all those little moments with him. All those months and years of her crying over him. She remembers all those restless nights filled by the pained sobs that left her, accompanied by her aching and longing heart. She didn´t realized but while the memories of the man she would die for slowly made their way back to her mind a single tear fell down her cheek what made her realize how much she missed him and his touch. His voice calling her name and his laugh that would always light up her days.

🎼 His hair it hangs in ringlets, his eyes as black as coal. My happiness attend him wherever he may go. 🎼

Serena knew that she shouldn´t be crying in front of Faun so she kept the pain and the tears that threaded to fall back for later. But still she missed his presence more than ever. Eight months passed and he did not come back home. He should have been back four months ago. She should be getting letters from him every one or two weeks but nothing came. She was worried to death and couldn´t bear the pain anymore. She was scared of losing him. She was sacred to open the newspaper and read an article about his death. She wanted him to quit being a pirate and do whatever Garp would tell him. She wanted him to be save. Save, happy and at home. But she knew that his happiness is not only made of her and their son but also by sailing and being the free man he always wished to be. He wanted to be just like the man who saved him and gave him a reason to live. The man he called father from the bottom of his heart. The man he owns his life. She knew her wish of him being with her was selfish. She knew that she was selfish for wanting him to quit being a pirate but what else could she do? She was scared to death. She wanted him to be next to her. Somewhere she could take care of him and hold him. Kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. How much he meant to her. He was her life. The reason why she kept living. The reason she woke up every morning. He was the reason of her happiness.

But she put everything aside and let him be. She let him do whatever he wanted to do. She let him do whatever his heart desired and made him happy. Just so she could see him smile. He deserved it. He deserves to be happy and loved. He suffered enough in his life and deserves to be carefree now.

🎼 From Tower Hill to Blackwall. I'll wander, weep and moan. All for my jolly sailor until he sails home. 🎼

Faun was looking at a picture that showed his mother and his father at their wedding that was held on the main flagship of the White Fire Pirates, when he realized that his mother stopped talking. He looked at her and followed her gaze that was lingering upon her hand with her wedding ring. He saw her eyes that were filled with tears and was irritated since her lips were showing a beautiful smile. He wanted to say something and console her but he knew that he should not do anything since it might make it even worse. He knew that if he started consoling her by telling her that father was alright she might lose it all and break down. He knew his mother well. She was a soft hearted woman with a heart of gold. Although she was a strong woman with admirable fighting abilities she still was a woman in love after all. He remembers his Grandfather telling him that no matter how strong a person is. When they’re in love their strength can´t save them from the pain love brings. Faun was lost.

He didn´t wanted his mother to cry. When he asked her to tell him something about his father he didn´t wanted her to cry. He felt bad and started to tear up. Guilt took over him and he started to shed tears. “I´m sorry mother! I made you cry. I made you think about your past. I´m sorry.”, the son of the emperor was now hugging his mother while apologizing over and over again. “No my dear. It is not your guilt. And who says that I´m crying? See I´m all good. There is nothing to feel bad about. Hear me out. It it getting late. How about we get ready for bed? I tell you more about your father some other day. Alright?”, Faun who was still hugging his mother just nodded while soft sobs left him. The pained mother took her sons face in her hands and put a kiss on his forehead with a smile on her lips. She took his hand in hers and led him into the bathroom and prepared him for the night. And just like any other night she started to sing his favorite song. Usually Faun would never dare to make her stop since it calmed him down and made him feel loved and special. But tiday was different. There was a question lingering on his mind he needed an answer to. So he called for the woman he loved the most and made her stop singing to him not even half way through the song. “Mom I have a question. Is dad alright? Will he ever come back?”, when Serena thought that nothing’s going to worsen the pain in her chest her own flesh and blood proved her wrong. It took her a lot of courage and strength to put on a bright smile and answer him with a stabile and confident voice. “Of course he is doing fine. He is Fire fist Ace after all, isn´t he? And why shouldn’t he come back home? There is no reason to think that. Your father loves you more than anything on this planet. Believe it or not but he loves you even more than he loves Uncle Luffy or Uncle Sabo.”, the words of the half mermaid made the young boys sad face turn into a bright happy one with a huge smile upon his lips. “Thank you mother. Could you maybe continue with the song? I really love hearing it before falling asleep.”, Serena who was laying down next to her son nodded and continued singing the song not only he loved but also his father.

“My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold. There is nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold. My father is a merchant, the truth I now will tell and in great London City in opulence doth dwell. His fortune doth exceed 300,000 gold and he frowns upon his daughter, who loves a sailor bold. A fig for his riches, his merchandise and gold. True love has grafted my heart, give me my sailor bold. My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold. There is nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold. Should he return in pov'rty from o'er the ocean far to my tender bosom, I'll press my jolly tar. My sailor is as smiling as the pleasant month of May. And often we have wandered through Ratcliffe Highway. Many a pretty blooming young girl we did behold. Reclining on the bosom of her jolly sailor bold. My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold. There is nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold”

Soft snores could be heard what signalized her that the little man she was singing to was now fast asleep. With a last kiss put on his head and a softly whispered “Goodnight my little treasure.”, she left his room and closed the door as soundless as possible. Her atelier she was working on before was still not cleaned up so she made her way back to her beloved work place and started to clean everything up. The song she sang her son before was not finished yet so she began singing where she stopped.

“My name it is Serena a merchant's daughter fair. And I have left my parents and three thousand pounds a year. Come all you pretty fair maids. Who ever you may be. Who love a jolly sailor that plows the raging sea. While up aloft in storm from me his absence mourn. And firmly pray arrive the day he's never more to roam. My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold. There is nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold”, usually she would now repeat the song since it ended but the sight that life offered her did not only made her stop in her tracks but also made her drop anything she had in her hands. “I´m not sure if the original owner of this song would be really fond of hearing you change the name Maria with your own. I mean, it does sound beautiful but still, I´m just saying.”, Serena did not know what to do. She was overwhelmed with the situation and could not believe what she was seeing. A few minutes ago she was talking about him and lost hope of ever being able to see him again. She told her mind a few days ago that it shall stop hurting her more and forget him. But now she felt like she did not only betray herself but also him, who was now standing in front of her in all his glory. “Ace?”, tears she kept in all these day couldn´t be hold back anymore and made their way out. One after another wetted her cheeks and made her vision get blurry. She couldn´t believe what she was seeing. She told herself that he is not real but rather a trick played by her heart, mind and soul. She told herself to stop crying since he was not here with her. She told herself that her husband was somewhere in the New World and that she should stop crying, when the person who was the cause of all of her pain came closer and gave her a reassuring hug. As if he knew that she couldn´t believe her eyes and wanted her to believe. He wanted her to believe in him and his person that was truly standing in front of her. “Ace?”, she looked up in his eyes with tears still falling down his cheeks. “Love, I´m home.”, not knowing what to do himself the emperor placed his lips on those of his wives with the hope to get rid of the pain in his chest that accompanied him all those lonely night.

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hogwartsambientfeverdream · 4 years

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The story of a flower

H used to hate her freckles. Tiny little specks of colour splattered all over her face an her body. They always reminded her of how much she looks like her dad and not her mom. Her mother have them too, but not like her father. People would call her by her dad’s name when younger for fun, to point out how much they look like each other and how cute this is... She never really blamed or disliked him for that, she just really wanted to look like a different person.

It wasn’t the resemblance that bothered her though... She loves her dad. Besides, calling the kids by their parents names when younger to insinuate how much they look like them was quite frequent in her big family. Both her older cousins had the same fate with their father; But why did it botherd her so much?

Her family is huge. She especially loved the summers because everyone would gather at their grandparents’ for at least 2 weeks. She loved it! Lots of cousins running around playing and screaming. Sure, they were not allowed to use magic but they would secretly hide from the parents and try out some stuff. The older ones would always show them new tricks and especially after starting to join Hogwarts. One time their grandfather caught them and he laughed proudly. She remembers that he started shedding some tears but no one else remembers that... But she could swear she saw it...

She especially loved her older cousin. She loved him maybe as much as her sister. She was his protégée. He would always share secrets with her under the bedsheets long past bed time. He would always tell her the new spells he learned at school and would give her advice for when her time would come. He was the first one to talk to about the houses in Hogwarts. After her sister was sorted in Ravenclaw and her other cousin in Slytherin, she started fearing that she would not be sorted in Gryffindor either. Everyone anticipated for the kids to be sorted in Gryffindor, since there was a huge tradition with Gryffindor in their family. But everything changed with them. And then she started fearing about not sleeping next to her family at night. That Cristmas holiday, she told her cousin about it and that she had it for granted that she would sleep closely to him or her sister so that they could protect her if she had any bad dreams. He laughed in the most sweet way possible and hugged her.

“I’m pretty sure you will be sorted in Gryffindor don’t worry...”, he said

“But how do you know? We said the same for everyone else and now what?”, 10year old H answered.

“The thing is though, that after entering Hogwarts and understanding how things work, I personally never anticipated for them to be sorted in Gryffindor.. I was sad that I would not play Quidditch in the same team as my brother, sure, but he does indeed belong to Slytherin. And the same goes for your sister.. She does indeed belong to Ravenclaw... Even your mom did, i think, but that’s another story. But you are different that them.. You are truly brave.. You haven’t realised it yet but you are...”

She felt better at that time and she slept very well... For once she didn’t have any nightmares that night. But then she started thinking about it... But why? Why was she brave? And how can you tell from an 10 year old kid that they are brave...

The summer before entering Hogwarts she realised what her cousin was talking about. It all came together. Being annoyed by the resemblance to her dad, relatives calling her by his name, the nightmares... And then for the first time, she expressed to her mom something that never made sense to her.

It was around June. Her sister and cousins had not yet come back from Hogwarts. It was Saturday. She remembers because her mom wasn’t at work. She was home cooking, while she was there at the kitchen with her drawing. Her dad was not there... She doesn’t remember why.. Maybe something to do with his job... The sun was very bright and their home was full of light. She, as always, was drawing her mother’s colourful plants.

“Mom, why am I not named after a flower?”, she asked while finishing the small lavenders at her drawing paper.

“What do you mean, sweetheart?”, her mother turned to her quite confused..

“Well, you know... Both Lily and Rose are named after flowers, right? Why not me?”

“Because, you are a bo...”, Hermione stopped her phrase almost scared. But not scared of what H meant, but scared that she would harm her own child... “What do you mean by that, love? James and Albus are not named after flowers...”, she said smiling while she approached her and holded her little hands gently.

“Well, yes I know that... But, I am not like them... I am like Lilly and Rose... I am like my sister, right?”, H answered.

Hermione looked at her child with all the love she has ever felt for anyone and smiled at her.

“Yes love, your are like them”, she said and hugged her.

That night H couldn’t sleep. She got up and left her room. At first she went to Rose’s room and laid down on her bed. She often did this when Rose was away at Hogwarts. Her room calmed her. It was like she was there hugging her and reassuring her that the nightmare was only a bad dream and nothing else. But even then she couldn’t sleep.

She got up again and decided to go to her parents’ room to sleep with them like how she would snuggle in between them when she was a little kid. As she was approaching the room she saw the light turned on and she heard someone crying soflty. When she finally approached the half opened door she saw her mother crying and her dad holding her compassionately.

“It’s ok, we love her and she knows that! Everything will be fine! As long as she has us by her side everything will be fine!”, her dad said

“No, it’s not that easy... You don’t understand! The Wizarding World is sooo closed minded and ignorant! I had to fight for elves rights only recently in the ministry! We had to fight for blood purity only 20years ago Ron! You know I love our world but muggles are far ahead in those things! James and his friends were ridiculed when they joined Wizarding Pride in Hogsmeade! And even that only happened 5 years ago! And let’s not start thinking about the absence of laws relevant to these matters! They will make her life a living hell!”, Hermione said in pure agony still not able to hold her tears...

Ron was looking at her troubled, realizing how true everything that Hermione said was true. Memories of his, words, jokes, weird looks... Everything... The wizarding world was extremely ignorant in those matters... Even he was, before spending time traveling in the muggle world with Hermione. She was right... Things were getting a little better and that’s all thanks to new muggle-born kids entering the community, but still... Maybe for gay people sure, but not for trans... And especially not for trans kids like H.

“What are we going to do?”, he said with a sad face while his eyes were beginning to tear up.

“I trust no one here.. Believe it or not... I am going to London first thing on Monday... I’ll start making calls tomorrow morning in case we know any specialist in London already familliar with our world... If not, then I don’t care even if I am arrested for accidentally revealing myself... Right now we have no time searching if anything like that is possible the magical way... I don’t trust it... I am going back to where I am more familiar with...”, she answerded, and for the first time H saw an unfamiliar determination in her mother’s eyes... Her mother was always driven and vigorous in what she wanted to do, but this time was different. "And it's not just that... We also need to find a way even for us.. For the whole family. We need to talk to your parents, your siblings... Everyone.. This is not going to be easy you know...", she continued.

“I know. I think Rose is already there... Long before H talked... The same goes for James, too. I think the bigger part will be my parents. They will need some time but I think they will understand and accept the situation.”, Ron said and looked at Hermione with love and realisation. “But either way, we will make it! We will make it together, as we always did! And as for the laws you mentioned, that means we have a new fight ahead of us! But we will make it! Things will change no matter what! There are already people out there talking about these matters. Ideas are already been pushed forward... We will help to make the change happen!”, her dad answered equally determined.

She want back to her sister’s bed feeling sad but happy at the same time... Sad because she couldn’t understand what the problem was and because she saw for the first time her mother crying and even almost her dad; but still happy, because she felt more loved than any other day, even though they didn’t tell her anything, they didn’t even realise that she was listening to them. She laid down under her floral sheets and looked outside the window. Hugging her purple teddy bear, she peacefully fall asleep while gazzing at all the hortensias, roses and azaleas on the ledge.

The next few days were busy. Her parents were all over the place and they often called her grandparents to take care of her while away for business. At first they acted a liitle strange for some reason she could not understand... Although she was finally happy to hear them call her H and not by her birth name. After around 10 days or maybe 2 weeks, her mom told her that they would go to London together.

And so they did. She always loved going to the muggle world. Grandpa always talked about how fascinating muggles are, her mom was muggle born and even uncle Harry used to live there when he was younger. Her, James and Lily would have the best time exploring the muggle world.

She was so excited! Her mom said that they would visit a friend of her’s and have a picnic outside in the sun. She wore her favorite pink curduroy trousers which Rose gave her and her favorite little backpack, on which she had embroidered litlle lavenders with her grandma.

The day was amazing and it passed without her realizing it. They had rasberry juice and fruit salad. They discussed a lot of fascinating things and she really liked her mother’s friend. He was a doctor and he was very sweet and funny. He even gave her a little bracelet which he made with seashells that he had gathered from his travels around the mediterranean.

On the way home her mom picked some pretty flowers for her.

“Did you have a good time today?”

“Yeah! It was really nice actually! And your friend was really funny! I really liked him!”, H answered with a calm smile on her face.

“That’s really great to hear, you know. We will be seeing him in the future for quite some time, if that’s ok with you”, Hermione smiled back relieved that she made a good choice. Luna is always trustworthy in those matters.

“So, about the conversation we had earlier... Does that mean I can have a flower name too?”, H turned to her mother full of anticipation.

“Of course! This is the first thing we will take care of!”, Hermione answered happily. “You can pick any name you like, sweetheart! At any time. No rush.”, she said as she caressed her little hand lovingly.

The following September she boarded the Hogwarts Express holding hands with James and Rose. They sat side by side in the cabin with the rest of her cousins and she didn’t even realise when they had arrived. This was the first day that she met so many new people, which she loved because she got to introduce herself with her beautiful flower name.

And then, it was time for the sorting ceremony. She was quite afraid, but then she remembered what James told her last year. Besides, Weasleys nowadays were sorted all over, not ony Gryffindor, which meant that even if she was not sorted where she wanted, she would at least be with family.

“Hortensia Granger-Weasley”, the professor announced and she immediately rushed to the stool while looking at Rose, who was looking at her nearly crying of how proud she was of her little sister.

“Hah! We have the younger Granger-Weasley! Hmmm!!! The decision is quite clear, yees! I think GRYFFINDOR will learn so much from you and your bravery!”, the hat yelled and she ran straight to James’ open arms.

Years later and she eventually came to terms with her freckles. Nowadays she loves the fact that she looks like her dad, whom she objectively finds quite handsome. Nowadays she knows why she hated the freckles in the first place, and the resemblance, and the fact that everyone called her “Little Ron”.

Thanks to her parents and the new found community of people like her, which in a way started considering a second family, though, she can be the girl she is. It wasn’t without struggles, however. It took her parents’ and uncle’s power fuelled by a huge wave of protests of queer wizarding people to pass new bills. And she was lucky that her family is so influential. During the time that her mother was raging in the ministry trying to find files that she could use, she found a lot! Suggestions for equality bills, for gender recognition laws, for abolition of gender dormitories in Hogwarts, complaints of mistreatment of younger queer wizards, accusations of violence and other similar records. Nothing had passed. The wizarding community in the U.K was so conservative in those issues that had even caused individuals or even whole wizarding families to move somewhere else, more friendly and accepting of their loved ones. Even gay people of power (most of them closeted) kept their mouth shut publically so that they would not lose their influence. And that was sad to say the least, her parents thought, especially considering the impact their voice could have in the wizarding community.

The wizarding world was finally changing, but not without important losses. It took so many years but queer wizarding people could finally start to breath more freely. The fight was not over, but at least they had hope. And hope gave them strength to keep on fighting!

P.S.: The idea for a trans character in my fanfiction pieces was formed when J.K.Rowling first retweeted some problematic stuff, back in December. I wanted to right it back then, but hey.. laziness... hehe... I always wanted to implement more queer characters (Adrianne is one) but I never had clear ideas of who and how.

If you think that what i did is offensive to the source material, truly, i don’t care. If you did not like it just leave. This is not the fanfic for you. I am not here to debate trans issues with people who don’t get it. All I want is to celebrate LGBTQIA+ people, and i will be happy to discuss with queer people who have thoughts. 🦋💖

As for the whole J.K.Rowling recent story, i have this to say. The wizarding world does not belong to J.K.Rowling anymore! It belongs to everyone! The Harry Potter universe is so alive because of the fans and no one else! The fans preserve the spark with their art and fanfiction! And this is evident, since no one listens to what Rowling says anymore about the lore! The wizarding world was made quite conservative due to its author but the acceptance, inclusivity and change comes from the fans. We are the ones who wrote fanfics about gay couples and characters of colour, we are the ones that imagined ourselves in the story, not J.K. . Wizarding World is not Rowling’s anymore, it’s ours! So no matter what she says and what she believes we will continue to do what we do best! Expand the boundaries of the consrvative world she had once created and make it fully our own.

Happy Pride Month everyone

Love 💖🧡💛💚💙💜

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sohardlovingyou · 4 years

Text

ultimate beatlemaniac tag game

Thank you for tagging me on this, gorgeous @femininehygieneproducts !! It was really fun to answer💕✌🏾

How long have you been a fan?:

Actually for a long time now. I started listening to them when I was 13 but became a real fan at 14. I have told this story before but basically I wanted to have more “musical background” and I tried to listen to classic rock, but I just ended up loving The Beatles and not listen to anything else, lol.

Favorite Beatle:

Idk if this is obvious since I spend a lot of my time defending Paul (as he deserves), but John is actually my favorite❤️ He has been since forever. I love that blind bisexual so much I could cry.

Favorite era for music:

Rubber Soul and Revolver. I think it captures the commercial and fun side of the first years with the maturity and evolution of the late ones. The best of both worlds, babe

Favorite era for lewks:

1965 because HAIR (!!!!) 😍🤤

Favorite song:

In My Life🥺😍😭🌈

Favorite album:

Rubber Soul forever and always ✌🏾 Although I can cheat on her with Help!

Unpopular/Controversial Beatles opinion:

I don’t like Yoko. Plus, I really don’t care about disc 2 of The White Album. I would DIE for disc 1 but as soon it ends I skip it right away, (sorry please don’t kill me)

A song everyone loves but you dislike:

Idk if everyone loves it, but I have seen a lot of people praising Tomorrow Never Knows and I just… don’t get it (? Maybe I’m 2 dumb and musically ignorant but i just don’t understand the love, sorry

A song everyone dislikes but you love:

I know Maxwell’s Silver Hammer doesn’t count since we now know it’s a bop but let’s say that one cause I can’t think of any another and because Paul deserves the love.

Your fantasy involving The Beatles:

I just wanna see them interact 🥺 I would give everything I have just to see them recording, during lunch break or just hanging out in John’s pool, lol. I don’t even wanna be in the conversation, just listen to them talk and to see how they really were in a safe and private space. My dream.

Tell us about the moment you knew you were a fan:

When I could FINALLY tell each one of them apart, lol

Did you ever have a genuine ‘The Beatles suck!’ phase before becoming a fan?:

Not really, but I have a “Paul McCartney is not as cool as John Lennon” phase which honestly (?? WTF, so gross of me🤢🤮

Favorite Beatles book:

This is the moment when you all realize I’m an ignorant bitch that doesn’t read beatles books, hehe😁

Thoughts on the old generation of fans:

I think grandmas and grandpas are cool since most of them are here just for the music, and also have the most endearing takes on the boys (who doesn’t love a granny talking about how Paul was the love of her life? lol) but those 50-40 year old men that act entitled and are just boomers… Gross.

If Hollywood were to make a high budget Beatles biopic, what is one thing you desperately hope they include?:

The fun parts!!!! Please, I’m tired of dramatic biopics only talking about John’s awful childhood or their breakup. I want a fake documentary comedy where I can see them just being stupid, witty and funny.

And if you MUST make a dramatic movie then I want the writers behind Netflix’s The Crown ‘cause 👌🏾👌🏾💯💯

Also, just give George and Ringo a personality, please.

Do you read/write fanfic?:

I used to do it a lot when I was a teenager, like A LOT. Now I don’t really have time to read anything): I once wrote a very long fic about John and a random girl that was just a projection of myself lol, it was so bad please don’t talk to me about it.

Right now I’m writing a novel inspired by The Beatles so I guess you can count that as a fic.

Are you the only one in your family/friend group to enjoy them?:

Yep.

Are you a shipper?:

Not really, since I’m 1000% something went on between John and Paul, and I don’t ship anyone else. (ok I might lowkey ship John and Linda in a platonic bffs way but don’t make me start on THAT)

Favorite movie starring/made by them?:

Help! It’s my comfort movie, I love everything about it.

Do you believe in McLennon?:

Do you believe in gravity?

General opinions on McLennon?:

I’m 100% sure something went on there, like I’ve said before. I don’t think it necessarily was sexual or romantic, but I truly believe they were more than friends in a way that maybe not even they could understand. Also, there’s a HUGE part of The Beatles break up we don’t know about and I have no doubt it has to do with the two of them.

If you got to change ONE thing about their history, what would it be and why?:

Just how things ended, really. It’s so sad and tragic that such a real and beautiful friendship ended up like that, and just because of male ego and lack of communication skill. It sucks.

What song has the best vocals?:

Oh Darling! Honestly, Paul wtf??

What song do you feel had no effort put into it?:

It’s Only Love. Don’t get me wrong, It’s on my top 10 but It’s just so short and it ends up so fast that I have this feeling that John wrote it in ten minutes, went to the studio and finished it in one take.

What is a well talked about moment in Beatles history you genuinely believe to be false?:

It’s not false, but I do think the whole Brian and John affair is often blown out of proportion. Like, yeah obviously Brian had a crush on him but people make it seem like he was a lost puppy that walked behind John just drooling. And idk but that doesn’t sit well with me. As I’ve said before, everybody had a crush on John but people make him and Brian a thing just because Eppy was gay.

What is something you KNOW to be true, but often gets erased in their history?:

That John loved that stupid band and was very engaged with it until 1968.

Least favorite look from a Beatle(s):

MUSTACHES (!!!!)

Favorite look from a Beatle(s):

How they look during 1965 because, again, HAIR!!! 😍🤤

This was SO much fun!! Thank you for creating it, girl @femininehygieneproducts ❤️❤️❤️ Also, I tag everyone who wants to do it, lol

#I love answer questions about the beatles #my ask box is open if you want to keep talking about any of this #❤️#the beatles #the beatles tag game #tagged in #femininehygieneproducts

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artofalexfields · 5 years

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Estefania "Steph" Xochitl

• 14 •straight • Mexican🇲🇽 • Guadalajara/Bronx • Aries♈ Steph was born in Guadalajara, Mexico to her father, a carpenter/construction worker and mother who worked in a medical clinic. Her father wanted to pursue a career in music but when he found out the lounge he and his band played at was a money laundering scheme for a drug cartel, he and his entire family were blackmailed and threatened with murder. They fled to the US with help from some relatives in the states. After Steph's father gave up on his dreams, she picked up where he left off. She's hoping her and her band (which includes Serena) make it big someday and she hopes even more that she can become a citizen.

Steph was the first person in her family to master English and she did so by listening to American rock music since she learned to speak. Because of her quick learning abilities, she was skipped a grade.

Steph is heavily inspired by The Warning, an all-girl rock band.

Steph has 3 other siblings, including her older brother who is a DACA student and her younger sister, the only person in her family who was born in the states.

Serena: You asked Carlos to join the band?

Steph: Yeah! Have you seen his drumming videos? He’s so good!

Serena: No, I haven’t. I didn’t even know he played the drums because I don’t talk to him.

Steph: Really? Don’t you guys sit like, right next to each other in English?

Serena: We do but that’s because of Mr. Scott’s stupid assigned seating chart. I didn’t choose to sit next to him.

Steph: That’s awesome, though because now it’ll be easier for us to talk to each other about meeting up to talk about band stuff.

Serena: (sighs) Couldn’t you find someone else?

Steph: Not really. Did he do something to you? Why are you not happy about this?

Serena: Because Carlos is an asshole! On the first day of school, he kept hitting on me and tried to ask me out even though I told him that I’m gay. And then he told me oh, you’re too pretty to be a “dyke” which is really fucking homophobic because he’s basically saying that lesbians are ugly and I got so pissed off and he just wouldn’t leave me alone even after I told Mr. Scott and I left to go to the bathroom to calm down and this sophomore found me in the bathroom freaking out and she took me to see Ms. Kartopolis and she called Carlos in and explained to him why what he did was wrong and he says he won’t bother me anymore but I don’t believe him because people like Carlos don’t learn that quickly. (she exhales) Steph:..Wow, he really said that? I’m sorry, I didn’t know. (She looks over her shoulder and sees Carlos approaching them) Oh, by the way, I asked him to sit with us today.

Serena: (groans)

Carlos: Yo, what’s good, girls?

Steph: Hey, Carlos. Um, before we start talking about the band, we have to talk about something else first.

Carlos: Ok, what’s up?

Steph: Serena told me that you were harassing her on the first day of school. Is that true?

Serena: Steph, you don’t have to--

Carlos: Yeah, I was being a dick but we moved passed that, right?

Serena: I don’t know. Did we? You didn’t agree to join the band because I’m in it, right?

Carlos: What? I ain’t into you no more. The fuck would I look like tryin’ to get with a dyke anyway?

Serena shoots up out of her seat and is about to storm away from the table but Steph grabs her by the arm.

Steph: Wait!

Serena: This isn’t going to work, Steph, he hasn’t learned anything!

Carlos: Yo, yo, yo, chill, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that!

Serena glowers at him.

Carlos: I’m sorry. I am trying it’s just that I was taught to think that being gay and shit ain’t normal and it’s going to take a while for me to accept you and use the right words and shit. I really want to be in this band. I love playing the drums and I been dyin’ to play with another band besides the one at my church. I felt like God sent Estefania to me to give me this chance and now he’s telling me that I need to accept you because this means we’re gone’ be chillin’ together a lot. Look, I didn’t mean no disrespect, I just say and do some really dumb shit sometimes because I don’t know how to act sometimes. I really liked you when I first met you and I was mad nervous. If you can forgive me, I’ll never bother you again, I swear to God.

Serena: (sighs) Ok, fine. But if you screw up, either I’m out or you are.

Carlos: Copy! Thank you!

Steph: Ok, great! Now let’s get down to business. Have you guys ever played metal music?

Carlos: Yeah.

Serena: No.

Steph: Okay...well, I kinda want this to be a metal band so...

Serena: I’ve played some blues and hard rock. I’m not really into metal music but if I had the right sheet music and if you had me listen to some of the bands that you’re trying to emulate, I could pick it up.

Steph: Sounds great! I have some HIM music for you to listen to. Are you self-taught?

Serena: Yeah. When my grandpa died, he gave me his bass and I taught myself how to play it. How about you? Are you self taught or did you take lessons or...?

Steph: Same. When I was back in Mexico, my older brother found a Foo Fighters CD and I learned how to sing all the songs in English and I started doing guitar covers.

Serena: Wait, so English wasn’t your first language?

Steph: No. When I was little, I taught myself English by listening to the Foo Fighters, Nirvana and a bunch of other American bands. Like, I would sing along to their music, look up the lyrics in English and pick up how to say certain things. When my family came here, I was the only one of my brothers and sisters who could speak it really well and my parents were always asking me to translate everything for them.

Serena: Wow...

Carlos: That’s fire! You taught yourself English by listening to music?

Steph: Yeah. So you guys learning how to get along shouldn’t be too hard, right?

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blogaboutmusic · 6 years

Text

all the playlists !

did this a while ago, but my spotify changed so much that i decided to do it again, and also because i have a lot of new followers! thank you & thank you if you follow my playlists! Be sure to check the list out bc i have a playlist for almost every genre & mood!

● ✧･ﾟ*✧･ﾟ* existential crisis: everything i have that is sad ● 2019 ; letz getit: music i discovered so far in 2019 / music that is important to me in 2019 ● 20(18)GAYTEEN: every album that came out in 2018 (at least of artists i like) ● 20(19)BITEEN: every album that came out in 2019 (/artist i like :) ) ● 5sᴏs ; complete: i think the title says it all ● ａｌｉｅｎｓ: a mix full of alt. songs. dope. 10/10 recommend to aliens ● all of it ; alternative ?: stuff that is alt but not quite, pop punk but not quite, rock but not quite, etc! ● all of it ; emo music: EVERYTHING YOU NEED. EVERYTHING SAD. EVERYTHING ANGRY. EVERYTHING GUITAR. pop-punk punk-rock emo/rock indie/alternative ● all of it ; k-pop: all the k-pop music that I listen to, stuffed into one mix. ● ᴀʟʟ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʟᴏᴡ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of all time low’s music ● angry k-pop bops: a playlist that was inspired by district 9 of stray kids ● autumn, baby: perfect songs for fall! ● back to the future: idk some albums that i love listening to that go really well together ● bandito tour ; twenty one pilots: a playlist for an upcoming concert ● b͓̽a͓̽n͓̽g͓̽ ͓̽c͓̽h͓̽a͓̽n͓̽: a playlist for my bias of stray kids! ● ʙᴀɴɢᴛᴀɴɢ sᴏɴʏᴇᴏɴᴅᴀɴ ; ʙᴛs: all of bts’ music in one playlist ● best intro's, no argue: okay but really 505 is one of the best songs ever don’t fight me on that one ● bi bops: actually it doesnt matter if you’re gay, straight, pan or bi, these all work. just bops. ● b-sides, : songs i tend to forget about because i mostly listen to other songs on the albums... but they deserve the world so there you go ● 𝖇𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝖒𝖊: kinda angry, kinda alternative. ● bon voyage: i listened to this a lot when i went to paris and when i have to travel a lot. travel worthy. ● bop that Bussy ; emo version: FAV EMO JAMS AND BOPS AND BANGERS ● bring me the horizon ; complete : all of bmth’s music ● bts amsterdam 13.10.18: SETLIST ly tour amsterdam but also europe. i miss them a lot & wanna thank them for one of my best nights ever

● calm my anxious ass: what i need when i’m breaking down & alone again ● chanyeol (っ◔◡◔)っ: a playlist for my exo bias, mostly english sung songs though ● chilly billy doobop: so nice to have as background music or for when there’s a friend over. just ever so fckn CHILL ● classical // piano: classical music, mostly piano ● current mood: songs i’m probably listening to right now (lmao still) ● daniel james howell: a playlist for my fav youtuber!!! ● daydream: my playlist with music that makes me dream for a better version of me ● ᴅᴀʏ6 ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: every day6 song ever. stan talent stan day6 ● death / school mix: songs about dying & other relatable stuff for school, ha ha ● dizzy tummy: stuff i listen to strolling through the city or being in a specific trainride ● dope on a rope: no, this isn't a playlist for the growlers' song, it's old beats. ● emo & alternative: sum emo tunes! totally random *insert that one crazy emoji with the tongue out* ● energize this tired bub: upbeat tempo music that really energizes me ● energetic appleflap: playlist for a friend (that i have crush on) ● eɴᴛᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀᴘᴀʀᴋꜱ: music i listened to before & after my waterparks concert + every waterparks song ever & the setlist ● ᴇxᴏ ; xᴏxᴏ: exo complete. please give us a ot9 comeback ● exploring: stuff i have yet to listen to ● fᴀʟʟ ᴏᴜᴛ ʙᴏʏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of FOB’s music. can you believe i’m still emo trash? ● frickity freck!: fresh alt-ish music ● fuck me up: a ReAlLy gOoD aLterNaTiVe / IndiE / eMo playlist? ● funky dunky business: the bass in these is mostly really mcflipping good ● geez, morty: playlist for fake friends ● ɢᴏᴛ7 ; ᴀʜɢᴀsᴇ: all of got7 their music ● ɢʀᴇᴇɴ ᴅᴀʏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of green day aka my fav band their music ! every.thing. ● grrr. : just metal and grunge. heavy shit ● guitars: really good guitars like guns ‘n roses & beatles and just guitars that i love??? ● guns n' roses setlist: setlist g ‘n r Europe 2017 ● halsey: indie artist, all her music in a playlist ● happy vibes: music that makes me smile!! ● hoe anthems (k-pop ver.); k-pop bops that make me go wanna hoe the heck out ● homework // calm: music i listen to when i make homework ● hug me pls: acoustic songs i wanna listen to while cuddling ● i’m a mess: a good, short playlist i- lol- unironically made when i discovered Michael Clifford had a girlfriend lmao i hope theyre happy they deserve it ● i, an intellectual: a nerd: music from movies and series i really dig ● interactive introverts: music they played and i listened to before interactive introverts ● jae = bae: this one goes out to jae, guitarist and vocal legend in the band day6 ● jazzin' away: jazz, my friend. ● j-pop ; rock 'n soul: my favourite j-pop songs!! yes, that includes all one ok rock songs. ● journal writings: i attempt to keep up a journal. this gives me vibes. sometimes a bit more uptempo, but mostly a bit softer ● judith.eliza: for a friend ● jughead's tape: for jughead jones, of riverdale ● just guitars, nothing else.: just acoustic guitars of some of my fav songs, really good for while studying i think ● k-grooves: korean r&b and indie ● k-pop ; essential jams: my favourite k-pop songs, which are quite a lot! ● k-pop ; girls: all my girl groups’ music ● k-rock ; you make myday: all my favourite k-rock songs, yes that includes every day6 song because they are just that good sorry ● last young renegade tour: music i listened to before & after my all time low concert + the setlist ● letters to you: songs that made me think of my crush. i think people can realate? ● let there be luf: some new alt, sum songs about love ● lilacskyjimin ; fav: playlist for a friend ● lone hours: in: feeling lonely? we do, too, dont worry. youre not alone. ● mama: stuff i grew up with / stuff my mother and i both like ● marina & the diamonds: apperantly she’s only called marina now? one of the best female singers i know, indie as f*ck ● ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ; 5sos: playlist for the 5sos concert, setlist and the songs in between! ● micmicbudgee ; fav: playlist for a friend ● mom jeans, tired eyes: mostly 70s and 80s BOPS ● ᴍᴏɴsᴛᴀ x ; ᴍᴏɴʙᴇʙᴇ: all of monsta x’s music in a playlist ● muse ; complete: all of alt rock band muse their songs ● my chemical romance ; complete: emo rock band mcr all of their music ● my youngblood chronicals: alt rock songs. the reason why i’m still fighting ● nederlandse bodem: my favourite Dutch songs! ● ɴᴇᴏ ᴄᴜʟᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛᴇᴄʜɴᴏʟᴏɢʏ ; ɴᴄᴛ: nct complete, in a playlist ● nienisneckdeep ; fav: playlist for a friend ● nights: songs i like to listen to before going to sleep ● noa.myg: fav: another playlist for a friend ● non-english bops: jewish, french, spanish, swedish, irish and celtic music like omnia (which is partly english but i think it fits here so tough luck) ● one ok rock ; complete: one ok rock is a japanese rock band that sings in english in their latest work ● ᴘᴀɴɪᴄ! ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅɪsᴄᴏ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: all of panic! at the disco’s music in a playlist ● paramore ; complete: paramore was a punk rock band with a female singer, and now they make alt rock ● paris: a playlist for a city that i miss, a time that i miss ● ᴘᴇɴᴛᴀɢᴏɴ ; ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ: aka all of k-pop group Pentagon their music in a playlist ● pizza punk: waterparks, neck deep, with con and music like that. perfect for skating eheh ● power vocals: beautiful voices ! voices that make me jealous ● problems with sleeping: lovely alt songs, some of them are about not being able to sleep ● queen discography: you know that movie, bohemian rhapsody..? ● rad activist shit: end gun violence. black lives matter. abortions should be legal, pedophiles and rapists should not be able to walk free. oh and love is love, get over it. angry songs, songs about revolution. ● rainbow: love songs, some sad (rain), some ever so happy (sun). together they make a rainbow ● red hot chili peppers: the red hot chili peppers are rock band and if you dont know them, look them up!! ● revolution radio 2017: music i listened to before & after my green day concert + the setlist ● rev up my spaceship, bois: modern hard rock in a playlist! ● sad boi o’clock: another sad playlist, you can never have enough of these ● sᴀʏ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ; sᴇᴠᴇɴᴛᴇᴇɴ: seventeens (k-pop) complete music discography ● skylinn ; khaleesiqoyi: first playlist i made for a friend: my best friend ● slytherin headgirl: this is what the people in slytherin listen to, i swear ● socrates would deffo stan: indie and alt, only for intellectuals (i’m just kidding) ● soft; rock™: soft (old) rock ● soft; k-pop: for if you wanna weep along with exo, bts,, etc ● soundtrack of my life 🌙: the basics to my music ● space jams 🚀: most songs are about wanting to run away, perfect for when you’re in space ● spoopy rave: i secretly listen to this through the year, idec ● starry skies, snazzy beats: mostly cute beats, perfect for studying or staring at the sky ● sᴛᴀʏ ; sᴛʀᴀʏ ᴋɪᴅs !: all of stray kids songs, go stan them already and please stay ● stranger things: songs that give me a stranger things vibe ● supernatural ; rock & grunge: stuff Dean Winchester would listen to, blue oyster cult, aerosmith, black sabbath, stuff like that ● tae tae: a playlist for v of bts, one of my biases ● the 1975: an alt band, latest work: an brief inquiry into online relationships ● the neighbourhood: very chill music. kinda rap, kinda alt ● these physically turn me on: really, really good songs, or nice vocals, idk how to explain ● tits out for harambe: the closest thing i have to pop music / rap i guess, with khai dreams, frank ocean, childish gambino, ari, troye, ya know ● tokyo: a playlist for dreaming about the feeling of a city ● travel back in time: 50s, 60s music, stuff i listen to with my grandpa but also alone cuz its fun ● twenty øne piløts ; complete: all of twenty one pilots their music ● underappreciated alt songs: alternative songs that i think deserve (even more) hype! ● waterparks ; complete: nice new pop punk band that deffo has a lot of talent! ● when the week ends: a mix for the weekend ● wubbalubbadubdub: old bops that make me forget about my sadness ● year in review: 2018: music i discovered in 2018 / music that was important to me in 2018 / songs that came out in 2018 ● yoongi: songs where you can sing yoongi really clearly and songs that make me think of him ● you’re making me feel miserable: songs i listened to after i confessed to my crush and he turned me down sksksksk

please reblog, it helps my blog a lot, tysm

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clementineviolet · 6 years

Text

Here is my liveblogging from season 4, episode 3. Notice how it is all capslock at the end

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDERNEATH. MAJOR. SPOILERS.

Bro Minnie is SO TALL

MINNIE TAPING UP TENNS BOOTS

Minnie is JEALOUS and ANGRY

Minnie is SO TALL

VIOLET IS DEFENDING US AGAINST MINNIE!!!!! TAKE THAT LOUD CLOUIS STANS!!!

Damn Minnie is on the dark side

Sophie is DEAD “a hero” gurl what

Minnie didn’t rat us out thank god

Vi defended Clem so god is real

MINNIE COME BAAACK

Violet we need to talk about that

AJ did the YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO EM POSE

Keep forgetting AJ got SHOT

AWWW TENN IS AJ’S FIRST REAL FRIEND I CRY “YOU DONT COUNT YOURE OLD”

JAMES NO BB WHY YOU HURT

AJ if you tell him that i wanna flip him i’ll kill you

I Love You James and I Trust You

I keep calling James “baby” he’s my platonic babe

James really collects walkers like regulars people collect rocks

James I....girl I’m gonna go along with what you say but this is interesting

I don’t wanna see it that way because I fuckin shot Lee so he wouldn’t turn

Yeah James that shit hurted but it’s ok baby

I don’t wanna say that James fucks walkers but (IM JOKING) (but am i really)

AJ shush we’re going along with him

“I’ll ALWAYS PROTECT YOU” BB AJ PLSSS

I love AJ he’s so cute

This is terrifying

Omfg the mask and the breathing i dislike

I love when they do first person camera it’s so much scarier

This is the creepiest shit i’ve seen on TWDG i don’t even know what to say

The music!! beautiful

What in the hell is going on do they LISTEN TO MUSIC THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING INDONT

WHAT

UHHHH

What’s funny is that this reminds me of the PAX footage where a zombie shoots Clem the middle finger do y’all remember that

I’m really not sure actually that shit was crazy BUT I KILLED LEE I DONT WANNA BELIEVE THAT

AJ stop hitting him with these personal questions

That was a crazy ass scene

James is Definitely one of the most unique characters in TWD franchise

RUBYYYYYY

HOOTENANNY

YOOOO ITS TIME FOR A PARTYYYYYY BRO CAN I DANCE WITH VIOLET PLs

Oh no we’re placing collectibles already not good

AJ this is the creepiest monologue

AJ baby you’re a good person

HEY AJ NO FORESHADOWING CLEM GETTING BIT SHUSH

TICKLES FOR MY BOY

Nevermind he wanna be serious

“IF I GET BIT YOU’LL...”

I’m torn because now it’s like... do i wanna put AJ through that like I did Clem? what if there is a bit of Clem in there? aughhhhh

NO AJ NO WHAT??? IM NOT BITING YOU NO

Fuck

If there’s an ending where AJ and Clem are walkers together... i’m fucking suing

I don’t know what to do with AJ

VIOLET!!!!!!

YES LETS TALK

VIOLET IS ALWAYS ON OUR SIDE

We can save her don’t worry bout it

Violet ;____;

“I WONT LET HER TAKE YOU OR AJ OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT”

Omg Violet talking about how much she cares for Louis i cry

Oh my god finally confirmation that Vi is like 1 cm taller than Clem if she stands up straight

We’ll GET THOSE BOYS

SHE MADE US A BUTTON IM SCREAMING THE HEADCNAONNFJDJSJDNNSBJDJDJSJJSJSJJDJDHJSHD

A STARS BUTTON OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GAY I SCREAM

VIOLET

WE AFE GONNA

WERE GONNA

WERENFNDNJZHDJD

DANCE!!!!!!!!!!! AHSHJSJZJDJDKDKJDKDKD

OH YM GOD

SO MANT HEADCANONS

COMING TRUE

THIS IS TRUE WLW CULTURE

TAKE HER HAND BITCH

OH MY FOD

OH MY GODJDJJDJSJDKDKDJDJDKJDKSKDKD

THE AMOUNT OF GIFS

I am

paaainf our

this is amazing

i scream

i love

my short girls who dance and exchange gay gifts

THE HUG BRUH I CANT

BRUV

KISS

violet doing the gay arm thing

AJ REALLY RUINED THE MOMENT FJDJDKDNDKKD

That scene made 20biteen

When can we tell AJ pls

Y’all know i’m boutta hit AJ with that

This is the cutest shit of all time

HUG HUG HUG BABY

So many hugs I’m dead

Let’s go have this damn hootenanny

VIOLET TEACHING AJ I SCREAM

We doin jazz baby

How has it already been like an hour and a half

Jesus Willg i don’t think we should do that but uhhh just make sure we don’t fuckin die

I swear to God willy if you get us killed

I’m ready for the most turnt party of all

time

ITS OK WILLY YOURE PROBABLY GONNA DIE BUT

YES AJ WITH THEM MOOOVES YES BITCH

ROSIESEEEE

TENN AND WILLY I CRY

Tenn i love you bb

Fuck You Raiders

Yeah we naming it

WILLY JR

That gay smile Clem shared with Vi i can’t

OMG YES LETS LEARN WHY THEHRE IN HERE

The amount of gay smiles

OMG RUBY I LOVE I THOUGHT THAT WAS MARLON

“THAT LITTLE MORHERFUCKER”

Of course that’s why Willy was sent here this little meme boy

I HAVW TO GIF THAT

No AJ no

TENN REALLY TOLD HIM FJDJSKJD

EVERHONES FACES I SCREAM

This turned emo can we go back to having fun and listening to country

34 DEAD KIDS JESUS

Louis i’m so sorry

No we gotta hear Violet

Only if you wanna love

Her dad was a drunk and her mom

worked 3 jobs, grandma shut down after grandpa died, this is emo, oh fuck this is turning dark, oh no violet that sucks so

much

Violet you were TRAUMATIZED

OH FUCK

11 YEARS OLD

I’m so sorry Violet i can’t

Do you wanna hear some of my baggage

That was such an amazing scene jesus, props to Gideon

OMG VIOLET HAS A PRETTY VOICE I SCREAAAAAAM

GAY SMILE

WOW DAMN THAT VOICE VIOLET!!!! GIRL OF MANY TALENTS

minnie and vi singing together that’s it

When. will we tell the group we together

AJ LETS CUDDLE BABY

tenn and willy i cry

thank you so much for that violet i’m

crying so beautiful

jesus we’re so damn emo

DREAM FUCK NOT READY

NOT

EMKTIONALLY

OREPARED

oh my god the graphics look

amazing i’m

shook

she ALWAYS PICKS THE TRAIN

LEE BE MY MUFASA

“YOU KNOW I WAS MAKING IT ALL UP AS I WENT ALONG RIGHT” TRU THATS HOW I PLAYED HIM

Lee can you give me girl advice

YAAAAS LETS SAVE LOUIS

THE RANCH

A GIRL WHO LOVES YOU

GAY!!!! RIGHTS!!!!!

AJ is a small bb boy he loves to shoot ppl

Lee would be so fucking proud

HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG

OK YOU DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT CLEM THRNJGINTO HER S4 SELF TO ME BRCH BYE

SHES SO MUCH TALLER NOW JESUS WOW SHE WENT FROM HALFWAY UP HIS CHEST TO HIS SHOULDER

Scissors be hard Lee

Bye Lee immcrying

HEY JAMES!!!!

JAMES IS SO SHY

TENN SHUT UP I CANNOT DO NOT SAY THAT

20!!!GAY!!!TEEN!!!

Oh no Vi is gonna tell Tenn about Minnie and Sophie huh

I’m worried about AJ too fuck

Tenn bb i’m so sorry

Of course I’ll tell her Tenn

Violet don’t save me I’ll be fine probably

hopefully

KISS

GAY LOOK OF LOVE

“GO LOOK IN ANOTHER DIRECTION” KDKDJDJJDKDKD AJ PLEASE IM TRYNA HAVE A MOMENT

This is not gonna go well. This episode has been too good

Oh no Clem has a bow not gonna be good for me later on

This is very creative gameplay

I’m failing so hard

OH GOD LUKE FLASHBACKS

I feel like i’m gonna throw up in so nervous

MINNIES CONCERN FOR TENN I CRY

TENN FORGIVES YOU

ooh girl the emotions

THANK YOU MINNIE

WHERE IS LOUIS

OH NO LOUIS WHAT HAPPENED

I’m sorry Louis GODDAMMIT

MINNIE FOR FUCKS SAKE

Oh for fucks sake

HUG!!!! IM SO SORRY LOUIS

Jesus christ man

THEY FUCKING CUT OUT HIS TONGUE??? WHAT THE FUCK

WHt THE

FUCK

WHY

NOOOOOOOOOOO

this is the worst possible thing we’ll help you louis it’s ok

let the others GO GODSAMMIT YOU EVIL FUCKING BITCH

Larry was an abusive fucking asshole Lilly

Lilly what are you gonna fucking do is she gonna make me choose who to hurt or kill what the fuck what the fuck

Oh god is this about Sophie and Minnie what the fuck

This is amazing acting by Lilly’s VA

Sounds like slavery but ok

Oh my god MINNIE KILLED SOPHIE WHAT THE FUCK

I KNEW IT FUCK FUCK FUCK

WHAT IN THE FUUUUUUCK

VIOLET SHHHHHH

NO NO NO NO NO NO

DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH HER

OH MY GOD

AJ IM SORRY BUT HOLY SHIT

A WHOLE ASS EAR

YOURE RIGHT AJ!!!! WE’RE GONNA KILL HER

OK AJ WAIT HOLD ON IM ANGRH BUT I REALIZS FHIS IS TOO MUCH ANGER AND HLOODLUST

LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE

NO NO NO NO

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HIM

AT LEAST VIOLET HAS A HAND

MINNIE YOU FUCKING BITCH

MINNIE PLEASE IM TRYING TO REDEEM YOU SORRY GIRL

TOO CLOSS TO MY THROAT THANK YOU

OH FUCK VIOLET THANKS FOR THE SAVE WE ARE FONNA NEED SO MUCH THERAPY

RIP MINERVA???

VIOLET WHAT NO COME WITH ME

BYE AASIM THANK YOU SIR

If Violet gets caught in the explosion i am ducking suing for emotional and punitive damages

NO NO NO TENN NO

JAMES FUUUUUUCK NO

SAVE JAMES SAVE JAMES

“YOU DONT FUCKINF SCARE ME” YES JAMES

YES JAMES!! HIT HER WITH THAT CARLEY WISDOM

TENN OH FUCK

FUUUUUCK

SHOOT HER TENN

FUUUUCK

YES AJ BITE THAG BITCH

AJ GO FOR THE CHESTTTTTT

OH SHIT AJ

LILLY DONT YOU DARE MANIPULATE MY BOY

ohhhhh fuck this is a DIFFICULT DECISION

THIS IS TOO MUCH

BYE LILLY SHOOT AJ

THE BOMB

#twdg #twdg spoilers

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justbeingsociable · 6 years

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During the month of June, the LGBTQ community celebrates Pride Month. Pride, that feeling of enthusiastic proudness to be part of a family! A family of all colors, backgrounds, and national origin; brought together through the unity of a single characteristic – we are not straight. I’ve seen comics satirizing the coming out of the gay community, and pointing out how ridiculous it would be for a straight person to come out as heterosexual. Is it true? Is there something wrong with being able to celebrate your sexuality? I don’t think so. And in fact if a straight friend were to come out to me as being straight, I wouldn’t find that offensive. Growing up, I always knew that I was different. From playing with Barbie dolls, to wanting to be the female during playtime, to fantasizing about shirtless musclemen, from what I had gathered I knew that other little boys didn’t have the same desires. At what age do you begin to have sexual feelings? I read somewhere that gay boy’s begin much earlier. Whether it’s true or not, I was probably as young as five years old... if not younger. Daddy loves to recall a story of me at a bookstore, at age 3 I went over to the muscle magazines, and gently stroked the covers. When Billy Cyrus’ “Achy breaky heart” was a popular tune, I astutely remember having a crush on him. Kissing the TV screen. And when it came to Disney, Prince Eric and Aladdin had my full sexual attention. Many years later, I continued to collect Barbie, play Disney princess dress up, portray the Disney heroines “on stage”, and lust after men. And with all that, I did not come out until I was 18 years-old. I had heard too many horror stories of gay children being kicked out of their homes, so I waited until I was legally an adult in case anything were to happen. No one was truly surprised that I was gay...except Grandma. My coming out journey was well planned out. It was senior year, and the first person I came out to in the whole wide world was a friend that I had known for only about two years. It was after school when she and I were talking, and I suggested that I might be bisexual. “Ok,” as her response. I turned and then dramatically twirled back around, bounced back to her, and jumping up and down I exclaimed “I am gay!” “I know.” I shouldn’t have been surprised. It was after our conversation that I told my long time friends. That whole day we passed notes back-and-forth during classes. And it was later that week that I sat down with my mom to tell her the good news – she had a gay son. I don’t think she was surprised either, but she didn’t say so. I told grandma and grandpa that same summer, and my step mom, at the time, and daddy a few weeks later. My step mom had always been encouraging. Unbeknownst to me, she had basically been preparing Daddy, my biological father, for this talk for many, many years. She became a PFLAG member when I was very young, and always made sure to reference gay culture and ensure that I knew it was not something wrong. After you first come out, you’re all about rainbows and pride! Then the novelty begins to wear off. You’re no longer the former damsel in distress turned mighty, outspoken activist in protest of persecution! Now you can be just like everyone else: working, going to school, dating, and just trying to fulfill your dreams. Like any other minority, the gay community has its tales of heroism, ill-fated plans, terrorism, segregation and inequality. Let’s not forget the significant events in #gayhistory such as the Orlando #Pulse shooting, #Stonewall, and the #marriageequality struggle. “The month of June was chosen for LGBT Pride Month to commemorate the riots held by members of the LGBT community against a police raid that took place at the Stonewall Inn in New York City on June 28, 1969. The so-called Stonewall riots were a "tipping point" for the gay liberation movement in the United States, according to the Library of Congress. The uproar also paved the way for the modern fight for LGBT rights. Previous presidents of the United States have, on several occasions, officially declared June as LGBT Pride Month. The rainbow LGBT flag is prominently displayed throughout the month. Gilbert Baker, an American artist, gay rights activist and U.S. Army veteran, created the flag in 1978 as a new symbol for the gay and lesbian political movement, at the suggestion of his friends and colleagues, including Harvey Milk, a San Francisco city supervisor and the first openly gay elected official in California. Milk was assassinated later that year. According to Baker's website, the colors of the LGBT flag each have a meaning: red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sunlight, green for nature, blue for harmony and violet for spirit. Baker died at the age of 65 on March 31, 2017, though his rainbow flag remains an iconic, powerful symbol for LGBT pride.” (https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/US/lgbt-pride-month-2018-history-events-parades/story%3fid=55414438) So as we continue to fight for justice and the right to be a truly free people, we will continue to wave are colorful stripes high and declare, “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it!”

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kazziemuse · 7 years

Text

Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie - Review!

My History with Hey Arnold!

Hey Arnold! It’s about time! Before I dive into the Jungle Movie itself, a note from history and the person writing this review. At the time of this writing, I am 29 years old. Yes, I am a late 80’s baby! And with that, I grew up in the 90’s…When we didn’t all have cell phones, the internet, online multiplayer gaming, and going outside to explore was daily life. What else was good about the 90’s? The cartoons…and, one specifically? Hey Arnold.

I remember at the time, Hey Arnold was a new thing in 1996. It would air during a two-hour time slot dedicated to after school cartoons called CITV. My Nan would pick me up from school at 3:00pm, and we would be home by 3:30pm, just missing the first cartoon. That was ok though, because beyond all else, my favorite by far was Hey Arnold. I used to sit with my Nan watching, and because Hey Arnold was SUCH a real-life show, it got my curiosity running wild. There was so much in this show that grabbed me, that taught me and that made me feel certain emotions for the first time. I would spend hours thinking about episodes and bugging my nan with questions about what we just saw. It must have driven her crazy.

In the many years that I watched CITV after school, not many cartoons from that time period stood out to me as well, apart from of course…Hey Arnold. And, I have fond memories of watching it with my Nan who, sadly passed away in the year 2000. I was 12 years old.

Hey Arnold “concluded” a few years later. And while I still loved the show, I was starting to move onto other things. Still waiting for TJM which, never came. In those early days of dial up internet, it was hard to find information if you didn’t know what you were doing. And thus, I entered my teenage years with the Hey Arnold book closed…But, for how long?

Fast forward to my early mid-twenties. OMG life, right? Real life? This sucks. Crisis after crisis…Let’s try and dive back into something that gave me some good feelings and thoughts. I know! I will dive back into some cartoons…Lets rewatch some childhood favorites, such as Recess and Hey Arnold.

Re-watching the Hey Arnold series as an adult was like watching a different show entirely. The emotion, the truth about how life can be so cruel, the real world problems these characters faced and most of all, Helga’s undying love for Arnold which of course, I shipped immediately. After finishing the Journal, I was devastated to find out the story of TJM being cancelled. I researched, signed the petitions and with little hope of Hey Arnold ever coming back…I counted my blessings and moved on into other fandoms, which would consume the next 5-6 years in terms of obsessions.

It wasn’t until about two years ago, I stumbled across the news that TJM would happen. And honestly? I was excited but not ecstatic. I had moved on and completely obsessed with other fandoms. More TJM information started to fly around, and I slowly started to become obsessed again. It’s only really in the last year or so, that I have re-watched the whole series, followed the news and subscribed to YouTubers. And with that, I’m hooked again.

Leading up to The Jungle Movie

So, with my history with Hey Arnold covered, was that really important? Yes! Because like many of fans, it’s a story of growing up with this show and how returning to the things you loved can bring back the same happiness. But now it’s time to dive into The Jungle Movie!

Where to begin? Craig gave us so much insight to this movie to get one internally screaming! But, at the same time, he didn’t reveal too much as to give us the whole plot. The balance was truly perfect. We would have the answers that we wanted. Where are his parents, and would Arnold and Helga ever be?

SDCC 2017. The first sneak peek is shown and boy! I remember that afternoon so well. My heart was skipping beats watching. Look at this! Look at the animation, how spot on the voices are, look at how true they are to the original characters. It felt like an absolute dream! No revival can be this good? Can it? The more and more footage and screenshots that got released…The more and more I got obsessed and excited. Honestly, at first I wasn’t too keen on Arnold and Helga’s animation. I felt at times it was too different from the main series, especially Helga. That point aside, we were still getting The Jungle Movie soon! And I’m sure it’s not going to ruin anything for me. Hell, it might even grow on me!

In the leading months and weeks to TJM being aired, it had become my main obsession again. Craig’s weekly to daily Instagram posts became something I kept checking my phone for; the previews got me running from my desk at work to a toilet, so I could watch and fangirl in private. This was amazing! I knew this ship would soon be canon! But also, we would find out the answer to the biggest Hey Arnold Mystery of all time: Arnold’s parents.

By now, I was part of Facebook groups, being as active as possible in YouTubers live streams, meeting other fans at ComicCon, and the best part…Making friends within the Hey Arnold community. I was so ready for The Jungle Movie.

The Jungle Movie

As a 10-year-old watching the show back in season 1, I would’ve had a glass of orange juice. Now, as a 29-year-old watching the premier of The Jungle Movie for the first time, I had a glass of wine in hand. The movie kicked off, and the palpitations in my heart were disturbing my comfort. But I didn’t care, Arnold was back on my screen for the first time in many years.

The first dream sequence was painful and emotional. He finds them, but they keep leaving him? This must be a huge fear for him. The wine is needed and straight away this film is grabbing me, it had my emotions from the first scene. Buckle up girl…It’s going to be a long night! Arnold subsequently wakes up, and the main plot of the film is evident. But, this is a cartoon! Cartoons are meant to be funny! Luckily, Hey Arnold has that balance of comedy and emotion, because here enters Grandpa and Grandma to smooth over that first hill of feels. The boarders haven’t changed apart from a slight change in voice, but nothing that’s upsetting. And a pig eating bacon? No I quite agree, that is not ok haha!

With Arnold meeting Gerald on his stoop with friendship thumb wiggle, accompanied by familiar backing of jazz music, it’s apparent that Hey Arnold has kept that original vibe. And I couldn't be more excited to see what was in store! Like bumping into Helga in the next scene. Classic! Helga’s introduction into the movie was our typical old Helga. Leaving her temporary home at the beeper emporium while arguing with her father Bob.

The Jungle Movie has aged with the current time in terms of technology. The characters are only a year older from the original series. Beepers (or, pagers as they are known here in the UK) are not a ‘thing’ anymore with the ever-growing cell phone industry. A small but clever gag was Phoebe explaining what a beeper actually was to our younger audience watching. On another note, Bob’s company is failing as beepers are now obsolete. You get what you deserve Bob!

We see our main characters bump into each other just like tradition. Helga’s behavior hasn’t changed (thankfully). She is still love struck, but quickly raising her defensive walls (shout out to Francesca Marie Smith for keeping her character so true). But one thing that really struck me about this encounter was Arnold. He was reacting to her differently as he would in the original series. Instead of his normal frustration at Helga scolding him, he just smiles, offers to help her up and laughs to her attempts to push him away. “Whatever you say, Helga” with an almost flirtatious look on his face. Wait WAIT, why is he acting like this? Is this a call back to him knowing her feelings after the confession at FTi? Very interesting!

We move onto what seemed like a classic episode of Hey Arnold. Arnold and Gerald working as a team to win a contest. Helga scheming to help then win in a hope to win his affection, and ultimately them winning leading onto the main plot of the movie. I thought this was an incredibly clever call back. It was like being back in that Hey Arnold magic. It felt so true and pure to the original series.

Arnold Shortman, A 10-year-old signing his passport and confirming a long term mystery of his surname. Which was right under our noses for the last 20 years. So, Mr. Shortman, you promised your Grandpa not to search for your long lost parents. Your grandma is hilariously dressed up as a Jungle explorer. Keeping her wacky antics is nothing but a pleasure to watch. Are you ready to go? What could possibly go wrong?

Olga is coming! What could possibly be worse for Helga? Again, the writing stays true to the original show. Helga living in Olga’s shadow and being neglected by her father in favor of Olga. Sad but true. I feel that the amount of neglect Helga experiences from her dysfunctional family reflects on the way she feels her emotions so strongly. She has a lot of love to give and just wants to be loved in return. She is so used to disappointment and neglect which is why she puts up her defensive walls and bullies people away. She doesn’t want to get hurt. The only thing she can express is anger. I feel that is why it is so difficult for her to show the real love filled Helga. She is expressing herself in the only way she knows possible that will keep her safe. But over time we see her brave enough to let her true self seep through…More on this later!

We see our favorite class of PS 118 saying goodbye to parents and loved ones. A huge call out to Mr. Simmons, who is saying goodbye to his gay partner. We don’t see LGBT awareness much in cartoons. As someone who is part of the LGBT community myself, I felt this was a very warming addition. Thank you Craig and team! On the subject of Mr. Simmons… How hilarious was he with his agenda? From the fictional city of Hillwood, to the fictional country of San Lorenzo, my friends, welcome to the jungle.

Here we are guys, after how many years, speculation and imagination…We are finally here with Arnold and his class in San Lorenzo! But remember to be at the docks at 3:00pm to catch the boat down river. Our captain is Eduardo; anything suspicious about him? Many of us from the get-go were suspicious about “Eduardo.” Now here he is, in front of us ready to pilot this boat, and straight away he is fixated on Arnold. And what the hell did he say about tuna anyway? (Yes, I know it was Fortune ;)) Sure, it COULD be his parent’s best friend. We don’t actually have any recent images of him and he may have aged…I mean…He seems friendly, welcoming and genuine. So far anyway, right? But we all know…this “Eduardo” fellow has a huge part to play and we all know it’s not going to be in Arnold’s favor.

It’s our PS118 students as funny as they were 15 year ago. And, I for one am so happy to see them keeping us entertained with their old antics. Arnold, however, is away from his friends and with “Eduardo,” speaking of his parents and hoping to find some answers. But remember, he promised not to go looking for them and Arnold is a boy of his word…right?

I felt Arnold was more out of character than anyone in this movie. But who can blame him? He has the opportunity that he has waited for his whole life: to find his missing parents. With such an opportunity, Arnold takes a risk under false assumptions, which inevitably leads himself and his friends to danger.

Speaking of Arnold being out of character and his development…something stuck out to me and few other fans about his behavior towards certain friends. We see Arnold obviously concerned for his friends’ safety and how he is struggling to keep composed after he is sworn to secrecy by “Eduardo.” Gerald, his best friend of whom Arnold never hides anything from, is the first to confront him. And to my shock, Arnold hides the truth even though Gerald is not oblivious to the fact something is going on…Arnold?

Instead, Arnold opens up to Helga…HELGA. And poor Helga…she has struck up the courage to finally (and again) confront Arnold about her feelings. Hoping that her efforts to get him there to San Lorenzo had nudged at his heart strings, Helga is frustrated when Arnold opens up about his fears of getting his friends in danger while he plans to look for his parents. Again, he opens up to Helga, and not Gerald. Is this maybe a sign of his feelings and trust in her?

We can understand Helga’s frustration and feels of rejection when Arnold dodges out again of her confession. Even though technically, they were having two completely separate conversations. Helga takes this as the last straw. To all of our gasps, she gives up all hope of Arnold retuning her feelings and destroys the most precious thing in her possession since day 1: her heart shaped locket of Arnold. Devastating right? Brainy?

The vibe of the movie is certainly starting to take a turn into unfamiliar territory. Craig Bartlett said, “Friendships will be tested,” and I guess, these are those tests. When you think things couldn't go anymore wrong for our gang, well…it does. They are attacked by river pirates. Eduardo, claiming Lasombra is behind the attack, tells Arnold to hide and forget about his friends…hmm…still trust him, Arnold? By this point, any trust I had in this guy was completely gone.

Epic sword battles, fights and rapids. Our PS 118 friends take the most dramatic journey of their lifetime. Clinging on for dear life, we are all on the edge of our seats hoping that no one falls overboard…Even Curly, who is having the time of his life up on the crows nest. After a rough ride, we end up ship wrecked. We can breathe a sigh of relief that no one is thrown overboard, apart from poor Eugene. But who didn’t see that one coming? But never fear, He’s ok! As he is his own lifeboat.

With some truths coming to light about Arnold being involved with why the attack happened, trust and friendships begin to suffer. It was heart breaking seeing Arnold being avoided by his friends…Only “Eduardo” there to help him up during their long-suffering hike to the safety of the camp. But for me, Rhonda absolutely stole the spotlight here… Come one, We are all Rhonda…taking selfies, refusal to part with one’s luggage and being absolutely traumatized at the thought of hiking through the jungle. Her reactions and deliverance had me laughing so hard. That is certainly something I would like to see more of in Hey Arnold future.

The montage of our PS 118 class traveling through the jungle was a chance to demonstrate some of our characters individually. It was fun to see Nadine having the time of her life collecting weird and wonderful bugs, Sid crying on the floor after the unfortunate demise of his beetle boots (good call back there), and Rhonda struggling to just do…well anything. These kids never fail to make me laugh, even today! They all have something special and individual about them.

We are about halfway through the movie now, and if you made it this far, thank you for sticking with me! Now, let’s move on to what we have suspected all along…“Eduardo,” right? Wrong…if you didn’t suspect something of this guy, then go back and watch again, because this guy had something about him from the get-go. Our “Eduardo” is actually none other than the film’s villain…Lasombra. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

We then learn the true intentions of the class trip to San Lorenzo. It was all a scheme conducted by Lasombra just to get Arnold there. Unfortunately for our football headed amigo…he’s already put a lot of his trust in this guy. And he was wrong to trust someone who won’t give out a Wi-Fi password.

As the story continues, I felt nothing but mixed emotions. I found myself laughing, and then soon wiping tears from my eyes. We have so many sad moments that tug at our heart strings. Helga’s monologues expressing her love for Arnold have always been some of the most rewarding scenes from the whole Hey Arnold series. The writing and deliverance from Francesca is nothing short of spectacular, and let’s face it. We’ve all been there! Arnold giving up whilst in-prisoned hit me so hard. His voice was full of regret and defeat. Arnold, the boy who is always so optimistic, has given up.

It takes Helga to talk him out of his depressive state, and to accept the challenges ahead of them. Helga is already sticking to her guns and coming out of her comfort zone to assist Arnold. Seeing her comforting him and really being there to offer her support, which Arnold accepts is just so heart-warming! A sign of things to come with these two? Maybe.

Secret pathways, using beepers to create a homing beacon, and a pig eating shrimp cocktail in first class? The only thing missing from this movie is violence…wait no, it’s got that as well. I was surprised to see such brutal deaths of Lasombra’s guards. Although it’s kept fairly ‘clean’ with no blood (thankfully), we do see a guy getting hit by multiple arrows, one guy plummet to his death, and another bunch of guys getting crushed by rocks. That’s quite a few on screen ‘implied’ deaths. Who said TJM had no action?

I doubt this movie could mess me up more than it already had, but boy was I wrong. The emotions were about to kick into overdrive, and I have only had 1/4 bottle of wine left by the time Arnold, Helga and Gerald had found the Green Eyes. The answers to all our questions of the past fifteen years were soon to be revealed. As a long time fan of the show, it was so special getting to see these mysterious beings for the first time. The way they acted, spoke, lived and looked was something one could only imagine for all this time. Not only were we about to get our answers, but so was Arnold.

The hidden city of the Green Eyes was absolutely spectacular. The animation and the amount of detail put into this habitat was an eye saw which dropped jaws. We soon learn of the heartbreak that happened to this society: the adults were all asleep…for the past nine years! While nine years of sleep sounds like a luxury to most of us, joking aside, for these kids they have been functioning on their own for all that time. We start to learn about the final moments recorded of Arnold’s parents: the murals. WOW, was this hard-hitting. It’s the first sign of his parents that this poor kid has had in years, and you can tell just how desperate he is for answers.

The final pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall in place. It was just down to Arnold to do that final act. The problem being, it’s still a puzzle. And Arnold has no idea what to do. Before he can even start to figure it out…yep, what we were all waiting for: Lasombra.

Now, how many of you expected a young chief to throw a blade at Lasombra…A BLADE. I mean how badass was that? Followed by our trio and gang of Green Eyes kicking the wind out of this guy, unfortunately he was armed with a sword, and no one wants to go up against that unarmed. So, we all know what’s going to happen now. Lasombra is going to take what he came for with Arnold in tow.

Dragging an unwilling Arnold by his side, Lasombra reaches the (classic) rickety old wooden footbridge with the certain death plunge below. As they cross, we see Helga and Gerald appear behind them. Despite Arnold’s warnings and pleads, Helga and Gerald continue without any considering for their own safety. I mean wow, this thing is hanging by a thread, and these two kids are attempting to cross just to save Arnold. Can we get a round of applause for completely bravery and loyalty here? But this is a cartoon, that bridge won’t snap right? RIGHT?

Arnold has a dilemma in front of him. He has to solve this puzzle fast before his friends plummet to their deaths. OK that’s cool…it’s not like I’m already on the edge of my seat or anything. Arnold faces the Corazón with his amulet in tow. Sweat pouring down his head and full of determination to save his friends, we see his green eye tracing the steps needed to unlock the treasure inside. Once unlocked, Arnold is pushed to aside and Lasombra looks directly at the heart of gold in all of its pure beauty. Unfortunately for him…he is not as pure and ends up with a poisonous dart in his forehead.

Screaming in pain and heading for the cliff edge which, he inevitably falls off, (yeah byeeeee). Arnold is finally free to help his friends who are still clinging on for dear life. Our hero slips, falls and only just manages to grab onto the same plank Gerald and Helga are clinging onto. Now, top up that glass of wine here guys, because this is where is I almost downed a whole glass. Arnold and Helga meet each others eyes and they just widen. You didn’t need any dialog to know what was going through their heads here. Arnold was finally seeing Helga for her true self, her bravery, her loyalty and that she really does love him. Here they are about to die, and all of this is too late to act upon. They just stare at one another waiting to die, talking only with their eyes. Would somebody please throw them a life line before I jump at my TV?

That life line is finally delivered from the REAL Eduardo, and I can finally breath. There is hope! One thing that grabbed me about what happens next, while Eduardo starts explaining what has happened and how he has been following them. Helga is taken in by the Corazón. Now, I remember back in The Journal, Miles stating to not to look directly into it because they say it’s too sacred. But yet here is our girl Helga…mesmerized and staring directly at it with her hands placed on her heart. No poisonous darts being fired at her. Yes…I was worried for a moment there.

Of course, Lasrombra isn’t dead and climbs his way back up the mountain to finish what he started. With the two fully grown adults getting into a fight over a mustache, pushed and thrown. Helga is the first to run in to assist dragging a bag to place over Lasrombra’s head and using her fist “Old Betsy” to smash him in the face a good few times. This girl is just outstanding and an overall badass. Unfortunately, we see the Corazón fall off the cliff edge to be lost(?). Lasombra finally meets his ends once the poison takes its final effect and he once again falls to his death. “He died like he lived, full of poison.” 10/10 for the sass there Eduardo.

From one heart wrenching scene to another. Now, with Eduardo in tow, he is able to translate the native Green Eye’s language. Once back at the hidden city, Arnold is finally told his parents are there, and that the Green eyes will take them to where they lie. Um, Excuse me? Where they LIE? Could that mean? No…you can’t do this to me…after all these years and the last hour of pure emotional feelings. You’re now going to tell me they are laying there peacefully? I honestly by this point was on invested into the story being told that I hadn’t put two and two together like most of you have already. Instead, I was off my sofa bitterly nose to my TV in suspense to finally find out what happened. As Arnold entered the room, seeing them there pale-faced, sleeping so peacefully hand in hand…I whispered no to myself while a stream of tears started running down my face. I was literally Arnold by this point. After all those years here they are…And here is Arnold seeing them for the first time.

“Are they-?” No, It’s the sleeping sickness. OF COURSE! Wait that means…they are alive? They are alive? I actually laughed as I let out a small laugh in relief. And no, I really didn’t catch on that they had caught the sleeping sickness, not in 15 years. As it was explained that the Corazón was the cure, my heart fell again. But no, it can’t end like this, There HAS to be a way right? Seeing Arnold crying over his parents’ lifeless bodies while Helga and Gerald look on in complete shock was heart breaking. But of course, our girl Helga has a solution.

I honestly didn’t know how Helga would fix this. They knew what they needed and what they had to do. But, they had lost the Corazón. When Helga approached Arnold with a possible solution, I fully expected her to hand him the Corazón. I thought maybe she had taken it while she was staring at it. That was the only thing my mind could muster in those few seconds. I never expected her to open out her hands and present Arnold her golden locket with his picture in. That object that has been a huge symbol of her life for so many years, she is sacrificing so much in that one moment. It’s not only her most precious possession, it’s her true identity. Everything she has kept hidden and inside for so long was out on offer to help Arnold.

This selfless act was causing more and more tears to flow from my eyes. I later thought about this more in depth and theorized the following: Helga mentions her locket is just gold plated and it’s not pure of heart. Now, how would Helga know the Corazón was a pure heart? And anything in its place would need to be pure? Because she stared into the Corazón and felt that pureness. This is why I think she didn’t get a poisonous dart shot at her. Because of that connection with pure hearts, and Helga’s heart is a pure as they get.

Helga doesn’t think highly enough of herself to feel that her locket will work. It takes Arnold to give her that push in confidence and guys, this couldn’t have been more cuter or tear jerking if they tried. “I think your heart is more pure than you know.” He finally understands her.

Pure hearts, loyalty, dedication, love, friendship, determination and Brainy being a saint in retrieving Helga’s locket got us to where we are now. We are about to witness what we have all wanted from Hey Arnold in so many years. Helga’s locket worked, and the cure rains down upon those in deep slumber. Butterflies start to flourish as the cure takes effect. Does that mean? Arnold runs to his parents’ chamber with the most dramatic heart sobbing music in the background. This was it, finally the moment we had all be waiting for, his parents…Arnold parents, of whom have been missing for nine years with no contact. In front of Arnold eyes, they wake from a deep slumber and the first thing they see is their baby. Hey, Arnold. His eyes replicate my own as he runs towards them. He did it, and I couldn’t be more happy even though I was a sobbing mess with no wine left.

The story was concluded. The mystery which lingered for over a decade was now solved. Arnold stood with his parents and celebrated along with the Green Eyes. Miles and Stella’s work was finally complete. It’s a sight we all wished we could see for so long. But our hero wasn’t there? And even after just being reunited with his parents, Arnold noticed Helga sneaking off. Helga was trying to retrieve her locket, which I thought was both a funny and sweet touch. Because after everything, that locket still symbolizes so much to her. After being interrupted by Arnold, Helga still tries to put on her tough girl front and hides her true self still, but Arnold is no longer blind to who Helga really is. With his words, we know that Arnold is seeing through her, seeing the real Helga and finally, after seeing her being so brave, loyal and willing to give up so much for him, he is ready to accept her love.

Even though Arnold didn’t outright say how he feels about Helga, I am a true believer of actions speak louder than words. We have seen how Arnold has acted towards Helga his entire movie. He silenced Helga, she literally had no come or no way out for the first time ever. His act of confirming how he feels about her is sweet beyond words. He takes her hands and offers her a mutual kiss like a true gentleman. The two of them share a moment with their lips locked, and it couldn’t be more beautiful. I was almost angry when Gerald walked interrupted the moment.

The adventure was over. Arnold wakes up in his bed and he is immediately concerned. Oh no you don’t, do not tell me that was all a dream. I am screaming profanity at my TV whilst a near identical scene is played from the beginning of the movie. Was that really all a dream? Please for the love of raspberries no. Please, please no. Arnold’s eyes widen and fill with tears when he thinks that it was indeed just a dream. But they wouldn’t do that to us…and in come Miles and Stella with breakfast for our forever moaning group of boarders. We have never seen Arnold so happy, Wide smiles and dancing on the spot at the sight of his parents back home. I must admit, I really did hold my breath for a second there!

Seeing Miles and Stella home and comforting Arnold is something I never thought I would see. And here it was. It was the sweetest conclusion and satisfying conclusion to the longest story. I would love to see them spend time together, but it’s the worst day of school. Repeating from one of the first scenes of the movie, we see Arnold and Gerald meeting Helga and Phoebe on the corner. But THIS time, things are a little different. There’s no classic bumping into one another. Gerald and Phoebe lead the way hand and hand leaving Arnold and Helga wondering if they should follow suite. While Arnold does attempt this making Helga (and all of us watching) swoon. Helga still ups her defenses and grabs her hand back. I can understand why people would questions her actions here, but I’m kind of happy they left that part of Helga in. This is still her character and she is not going to change overnight. She still keeps her guard up and she has a lot to learn in accepting Arnold’s effect in public. Still, the fact that she smiles as she walks off is a huge development. And don’t worry folks, Arnold isn’t put off by her…he runs after her with that same flirtatious smiley face.

A nice final touch is Arnold’s parents missing him and offering to walk him to school. That final look from Arnold as he enters his school with all his friends and Mr. Simmons declaring he still has a job after the jungle ordeal…that look in his eyes, looking back at his parents looking for him, waiting for him. And that smile knowing that they are never going to leave him again. THAT my friends is how you end a movie.

Conclusion

Nothing is perfect, but the Jungle Movie sure offers some closure. Every time I watch this film, I notice something new. The amount of detail in the background is admirable. They are like paintings. The texture, the colour, the ambience of them is just beautiful. The background animation of characters is incredibly detailed. Instead of just having a still image, I constantly found background characters to be animated and reacting, especially Helga.

The music in this film was gripping, and well suited for the story. A mixture of classic Hey Arnold style Jazz and hip-hop. South American Latin, full orchestral pieces. The emotion was most certainly intensified with the music backing. Hats off to Jim Lang. In cartoon revivals, one thing that is difficult to recreate are those voices. I can honestly say the returning cast and new cast did an absolute fantastic task of both recreating and advancing the characters. It was like watching an old and new show at the same time.

Overall, The Jungle Movie was everything an old school fan like myself could have hoped for. I am not only incredibly satisfied with what we have been given but, I am also thrilled for those who worked on this project for so many years. The creator, Craig Bartlett and his team and the fans who campaigned to make this happen. It’s a fine example of determination, love and appreciation for one another, which isn’t expressed much in today’s world. I am so happy with The Jungle Movie, and I finally have my closure from this epic story.

I can bet, if my Nan were still around today, she would be the one asking me all the questions. And, while I type up my final words, I feel a small part her sitting with me for the first time in many years.

#hey arnold #hey arnold tjm #hey arnold the jungle movie #hey arnold season 6 #arnold shortman #helga pataki #nickelodeon #craig bartlett #the jungle movie

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maturemenoftvandfilms · 7 years

Text

The Talented Mr. Hall

Chapter Two: The Seduction

Featuring Philip Baker Hall

Two weeks had past and I've finally settled in to my new home. The utilities were on, the house was finally furnished and the yard didn’t look like much but it suited me just find. And I fell into the routine of working during the morning and reading in the afternoons. But life wasn’t perfect. I still had the image of hot grandpa of a neighbor and his wife fucking in my head. Who also happens to be a famous character actor, Philip Baker Hall and he had the biggest cock I've ever seen on a man. The more I think about it, the hornier I got. I even started watching his movies and jacking off every night to them, but that seemed to only to get me hornier. And today was no different.

I was naked and playing with my dick, watching 'Hard Eight' which happens to star Hall when I heard the doorbell. Followed by a knock on the door. Not even bothering to get dressed, I got up, looked though the peek hole and saw that it was Philip. My mind was racing as I opened the door just wide enough to peek out, not wanting him to see that I was naked and with a roaring hard on.

“Hello.” He said.

“Hello.” I responded not knowing what else to say.

“Sorry to bother you. But could I use your phone? I locked myself out of my house and I don’t have my cell phone.” As he spoke, he looked me directly in the eyes. And I found myself admiring his soft blue eyes.

“Yea, sure, you can use my phone. Ah...I’m naked but come on in.” I finally said.

“I was changing when you knocked.” I said as he walked inside as I opened the door wider.

He glanced down at my hard dick and smiled.

“Looks like you were doing something besides changing clothes.” He said nodding his head toward my dick.

My face must have turned red because he added.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I jack off too. Heck, what else is there to do when you’re bored?” He said as his eyes staring at my dick.

I glanced down at my dick and found it jumping up and down it was so rock hard.

“I remember being young and walking around with a hard on. Hell, I’m 78 and I still like to jack off.” He added with a smile.

I suddenly found myself enjoying the little old man staring at my dick. But before it got to awkward, I rush into the bedroom to get my cell phone and a robe.

"I forgot the code for our new alarm system we just got and didn't want to set it off trying to get in the house." Philip explained.

"New alarm system huh?"

"Yeah, not to scare you or anything, but we had a prowler around our house a few weeks back so we got the new alarm system." He added.

"Oh shit! They saw me." I thought.

When I returned to the living room, Philip was admiring the view in front of my picture window. I took a moment to get a full view of him. He was casually dressed in a blue button up shirt and a light tan pair of dress pants. The way his pants hugged the beautiful bottom really turned me on.

“Here.” I said handing him the phone, “I’ll be in the den while you are making your call.”

Then as I faked watching TV, I watched him out of the corner of my eye making his telephone call. I don't know how long I spent watching him on the phone and on the television but sure enough I got a roaring hard on again. I had to fight an urge to start jacking off right there. Then when he turned and faced me, the old man’s eyebrows narrowed as he looked at me. I must have stared at him a little too long or so I thought. I don't know if he knew I was checking him out but he turned and continued to talk. His voice became low as he ended his conversation and turned towards me.

"I guess you kinda like me huh?' Philip said pointing towards me.

I was a little confused as the expression on his face was one I had never seen before, sort of intense.

"Your ahh... solder is stand at attention."

“My....what... out? Oh shit, I'm sorry Mr. Hall I didn't know." I said as I finally figured out what he was talking about.

“Ah . . . I”

“You don't need to explain. Being in Hollywood, I surprising have lots of admirers. Women and men it appears." Philip said as he handed me my phone and sat down beside me.

"Seeing that someone still thinks I'm attractive, kinda gives me a little wood." He added.

“Really?” I asked in disbelief.

But instead of answering, surprisingly the old man grabbed the tab of his zipper and unzipped his pants. I watched in an almost hypnotic trance as Hall reached his wrinkled hand covered with age spots into his open fly. Seeing his big old cock again was something that I had been dreaming of for days. I held my breath as I watched him pulled the biggest damn dick I had ever seen out of his pants. Seeing it up close made mine look small and I have a good 7" to work with. I just couldn’t believe this man could have such a monster dick.

“What do you think?” Philip asked as he let go of his enormous dick. The monstrous thing dropped down between him legs like some big pale snake.

“Is it big enough for you?”

“I . . . I’ve never seen one so big!” I exclaimed. “I wish mine was as big.” I added as I leaned closer to the old man to get a better look at his wonderful pecker.

“Well yours isn’t as long as mine but it’s a might thicker.” Philip said as he glanced down at my dick.

“Yours is about average. Nothing to be ashamed about.” He added as he lifted his huge dick, flinging back and forth.

“Can I touch it, Mr. Hall? Please!” I asked.

“OK. But I ain’t going to reciprocate. You might be gay, but I ain’t.” The old man told me as he let go of his enormous dick.

It didn’t drop down between his leg as far. This time it stood out at a slanting angle as it swelled up bigger and bigger. It wasn’t quite hard but the old man’s dick was getting closer and closer to having a boner. My own dick throbbed and jerked as my fingers closed around the soft skin of Philip's huge dick. I couldn’t believe how big it felt in my hand. After holding my dick, his felt bigger than a horse’s cock in my hand. The sight of his big pink cock head made me want to kiss it. I had jerked off hundreds of time fantasizing about sucking Hall’s dick. Now that I could, I was a little afraid to. But my desire to get the old man huge dick finally won out as I leaned over and took the huge head of Philipa’s dick in my mouth. The old man let out a loud moan as I started sucking on his dick head.

“That feels wonderful.” The actor exclaimed.

As I worked on his dick head I looked down his long thick shaft to the patch of gray pubic hair and wondered if I could possibly take all of the old man’s dick down my throat. I wanted so bad to deep throat his pecker and give him more pleasure than he had ever gotten fucking his wife. I wanted to show him just how much pleasure I could give him so that he would keep letting me suck his dick. This was my one chance. I swallowing inch after inch of the old man’s thick dick as I pushed my mouth closer and closer to his patch of gray pubic hair. I fought to keep from gagging. I just had to get it all down my throat. The way the old man was moaning I knew that he was intensely enjoying my efforts. But I want to do better. I wanted all his enormous dick in my mouth.

“Damn! That’s great. Hell if I knew getting sucked by a man was this good, I would have gotten my old pecker sucked before.” Philip said as he threw his head back and exhaled.

Then sudden my mouth was pressed against his zippers. I could feel his gray pubic hairs against my sensitive lips. I held the old man’s dick in my throat as long as I could. But finally the need to breathe forced me to pulled back until I had only the head of his huge pecker left in my mouth. Philip reached his hand down and rubbed my head.

“Wonderful. Just wonderful. Make this old man cum! Make me shoot my load.” He said in such a lustful voice that it sent shivers of excitement throughout my body.

Knowing that I was giving him pleasure excited me almost as much as the act of having his dick in my mouth. Then suddenly I tasted cum. The thought that is was Philip Baker Hall’s cum caused me to shoot my own load. I came all over the old man’s shoes as I shot one of the biggest load in my life. I was so excited that I just kept sucking on his dick.

“Fuck!” The old man said finally pulling his dick out of my mouth. He looked at me sort of strange as he stuffed his dick back in his pants and zipped up his fly.

“Guess I should be going. My wife will be here shortly.” The old man said still glaring at me with a suddenly unfriendly stare.

"Okay, well, it’s been a pleasure, sir, and thanks very much! I said as I cleaned the last drops of cum from my chin.

Okay, Shane. Thank you very much for everything." He said as I headed toward the door and hurried out of my home.

[Click here for the previous Chapter]

#fan fiction #Philip Baker Hall #actor #The Seduction #Hall Fiction

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artificialqueens · 7 years

Text

Caught Up In Obscenity (Rajila) - Circe

AN: Halleloo I’m back bitches

I saw Raja and Manila together with my own two eyes and so thought in celebration I should dig up this thing that I wrote ages ago. I have not entirely abandoned AQ, but I frequent it less, so this is not a return, merely a revisiting. Never say never, however.

There were two prompts ages ago: same-season friends-with-benefits and the more specific “people notice that Raja has started wearing mostly Manila merchandise”. This is the love child of both, with a side order of Raven because I’m also kinda Ravja trash apparently. It is definitely not my best work. Sorry.

Title from Ms Luzon herself because I’m unoriginal.

- Circe x

000

“Are you gonna hang around for a bit? That guy over there said he’d buy us shots if we do one off his body.”

“Nah, I have an early start tomorrow. I’m just gonna go home.”

“Boo, you whore! This is fourth time in a row you’ve blown me off in the last two weeks. Are you sick of me or something?”

“As if I could ever get sick of you, bitch. No, I’m just tired. I don’t wanna risk over-sleeping.”

“God, you’re getting old.”

“That’s what happens when you hit 40, Rave.”

“Can’t wait.”

“Don’t be a bitter bitch. It’s nothing personal, I swear.”

“Yeah yeah, grandpa. You’d better run back to your rocking chair and your knitting, you’re gonna miss Golden Girls.”

Raja sighs heavily. She doesn’t like doing this. This is the only niggling doubt in the grand scheme of things.

“Are you ok? I know you’re old but this isn’t like you. Are you depressed? Are you having a mid-life crisis?”

“No, David. I’m fine I promise. I’ve been in drag for 5 hours and I have to be up in 5 hours for a photo shoot and I’m sobering up and I’m tired. I just wanna go to bed tonight. Have fun though, just don’t let Martin find out what you did for free shots.”

Raven smiles tightly as Raja leans in to kiss her cheek, and frowns at her retreating back as she winds her way through the crowd towards the door.

000

“So I’ll be in Brazil for like two weeks so this’ll be the last time I’ll see you until next month.” Karl says, like he’s thinking aloud. The weight of his head is warm against Sutan’s shoulder. Sutan wonders if he realises he is counting his ribs with his fingertips and stirring up the warmth in Sutan’s lower stomach all over again.

“That’s probably for the best. Raven’s getting suspicious.”

“Huh?” Karl’s fingers pause in their pointillism patterns across Sutan’s chest. His low voice rumbles through Karl’s temple where it’s pressed against his skin.

“I turned down body shots off a Marco Marco model and apparently that was out of character.”

Karl laughs; a bright sound. Sutan frowns as he feels it somewhere near his lungs.

“Well I don’t think she’ll guess. She knows I’m not your type.” Karl tilts his head up to look wistfully at the light fitting.

Sutan frowns again but there’s nothing negative behind it. He follows Karl’s eyeline to the single cobweb hanging from the light. “I don’t have a type.”

“Yeah you do.” Says Karl easily.

Sutan glances at his phone. Three missed calls from his agent. Great. He sighs and pulls himself out of Karl’s embrace and off the bed.

He pulls on his underwear and runs a hand through his gray hair, longer now than it has been in years. Karl rolls onto his side to admire the smooth expanse of his back and marvel at his best friend’s beauty like he usually does at this time in the morning.

“Fuck. I need to stop coming here in drag.” Says Sutan, sifting through the pile of his clothes. “I can’t walk out of here in a bra and robe”

“Fuck gender roles, Raja.” Says Karl flamboyantly from where he is still splayed across the bed.

“Seriously. You’re gonna have to lend me clothes again.”

Karl groans into the mattress. “I just got my shorts back from you, and you’re gonna have to borrow them again because you sure aren’t gonna fit any of my pants.”

“Sorry, Heather. I didn’t consider practicalities.”

Karl groans again, face still buried in his sheets. “You know where they are.”

Sutan leaves Karl’s apartment in yellow shorts and a Manila shirt, not for the first time, without a formal word or a kiss goodbye.

000

The two weeks that follow see Sutan hook up with three people in the first week and then no one in the following week. No matter how hot the guy is, he seems to be unable to remove the itch behind his eyeballs, the dryness in his mouth.

His friends potentially notice something is…not wrong…just not quite right. But nobody says anything.

When Karl returns, he shows up to Raja’s gig. When the cute lighting technician who has been eyeing Raja for the last two weeks and may or may not be behind the never-ending complimentary refills of her wine she’s been enjoy lately finally plucks up the courage to hold a proper conversation with her, she apologises sweetly. A week ago, she would have felt that flutter of flirtatious excitement, but tonight she thanks him for the drinks and excuses herself, her hand clasped firmly in Karl’s.

She arrives back at her own house the next morning in a different Mania t-shirt and everything returns to normal.

000

“Wow, you’re up early. I came round expecting to have to break in considering you’re rarely conscious at this hour.” Says David from the doorstep.

“Yeah, today is the rare exception. What can I do for you, Raven?”

“I just came to drop off these.” She holds up a pair of Raja’s favourite heels. “Thanks for letting me borrow them, whore.”

Sutan scoffs as he takes the shoes. “You better not have scuffed them or anything.”

“Not a scratch, I promise. I wouldn’t dream of being so careless.” Says David, and he runs his gaze up Sutan, taking in his boots and jacket.

“Are you going out?”

“Hm? No, just a lazy morning in I think…”

“So why are you dressed like you are? Have you just got in?”

“Um, yeah. Yeah I went to grab some stuff from Whole Foods.”

David decides that he has never seen that shirt before, and he’s seen most of Sutan’s clothes. Those shorts don’t look familiar either, and he was wearing those boots last night in drag. But Sutan would never lie about something so trivial as a hookup. In fact, he’d boast. David isn’t sure he wants to know what was going on. Maybe the guy had been someone embarrassing…

“Thanks Rave. Like I said, lazy morning in, I’m so tired from the show last night.”

It finished at 1 and you left straight away…

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you next week, bitch.”

000

It started at LA Pride a few years back.

Detox seems to make everything a little less serious, and that’s exactly what Raja needed; to feel unrestrained and happy and gay at that time of celebration. Manila was there too, standing beside her and leaning on her shoulder and holding her hand for most of the day. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was about that day that made them even more tactile than normal, so she puts it down to the liberating feeling of performing in front of thousands of drunk queers who all knew their names.

She announced that she wanted Detox to kiss her, and Detox being Detox had no qualms about fulfilling this request. She was so pumped full of silicone that it was quite unlike kissing anyone else, almost like she wasn’t quite human, but enjoyable none the less, and she was too drunk to pay too much attention to the crowd.

If she remembers correctly, she asked Manila to kiss her as well, right there in front of an audience, which seemed to come from some dark chasm inside Raja that she hadn’t fully acknowledged. But, Pride was about pushing boundaries. She can’t quite remember if Manila actually did kiss her then, or if she just pressed her entire body against Raja’s back in a gesture that was almost as bad.

There was certainly kissing later. That was all, however. First it was a light peck in front of fans between fits of laughter, then something more questionable a few hours after that, when the growing darkness of evening could hide it. Manila looked at her like she wanted to try something new. Raja thought that if the Bible Bashers were right and there was an all-powerful homophobe sitting above the clouds watching her every move, then today was a good day to really piss him off. So when Manila’s fingers brushed over her jaw and her smile was small and powerful, she went with it, because that’s what you do at Pride; you drunkenly make out with your best friend for 20 minutes on a couch at the back of some gay bar somewhere.

They didn’t actually sleep together until a few months later.

000

“Are you even into me?”

“Huh?”

“See? You’re barely listening even now.”

“I don’t understand the question. Of course I’m into you; we’re dating.”

“Are we though? Because it’s been months and I still have to text you first. And for someone who is famous for having a high sex drive, we fuck an awful lot less than I expected.”

“Look, if this isn’t all you hoped it would be, then –“

“It is, Sutan! I like you so much, and I like you more and more every time I see you. But you’re a fucking closed book. You spend entire nights at the club and don’t come back until the morning. You don’t want me seeing you perform as Raja that often even though that’s how we met. You’re skittish at best and secretive at worst and I don’t understand why I’m doing all the work. If you don’t like me, why are you still dating me?”

“I do like you. Of course I do. It’s just…being a drag queen means my life isn’t necessarily normal. I do have to stay out all night sometimes, and I tour and I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to devote myself completely to you at this point.”

“You’re everything I hoped you would be and also you’re completely not. You have secrets, I know that, but I only see you once a week, twice if I’m lucky, and where the fuck have all these Manila Luzon shirts come from? Do you have some twink on the side or something?”

“Listen; I’m a performer. I borrow people’s clothes and I keep secrets and I flirt with strangers and that’s something you’ll have to get used to. This is what dating me is like, I’m sorry, that probably isn’t going to change.”

It isn’t strictly speaking a lie, although Sutan is usually a much better boyfriend but there’s this one habit that he’s finding it rather impossible to shake off and it’s certainly not something he could talk to his boyfriend about.

“Right, as long as we’re clear on that. I don’t think it’s gonna work, Sutan. I can’t share you with everyone else. I have to be treated differently. I’d say I’m moving out but I never moved in.”

“If that’s what you want, I won’t stop you.”

000

“I’m sorry, honey.” Says Karl.

“Don’t be. He was right, it was for the best.”

“Did he give you a reason?”

Sutan knows Karl and his conscience and he isn’t about to let slip that he caused the breakup of the first relationship Sutan has had in years that lasted longer than a month.

“He wanted more of me. He didn’t understand the lifestyle.”

“Ugh, the gays sure do love drama.” Karl says ironically. He finishes his tea. Sutan feels the warmth of it sooth something in his soul.

“Either way it’s done now. It’s over.” Sighs Sutan.

“There’ll be others. There’s always others.”

Sutan nods. He has other offers, he knows, but he feels like maybe he doesn’t want a relationship right now. He has international tours coming up, several of which will be with Manila, so it’s not like he’ll need sex on the road.

“I’ve brought a load of your shirts back, by the way. I think we need to be more careful.”

“Honey, you know I have entire trash bags full of those things.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to throw them away.”

Karl smiles warmly at him. Maybe Sutan needs to date another drag queen in the future, as Karl has always accepted what his job demands of him without question, because he does it too.

“So, not to be indelicate, but did you come for a kiki or a kai kai?”

Sutan drums tattooed fingers on his lips as he rests his chin on the heel of his hand.

“The first one. I wouldn’t say no to the second one, of course, but that’s why I came. I came for Karl not Manila.”

“You can come for Manila too if you want.” Says Karl with a coy smile and Sutan actually rolls his eyes.

“Pathetic.”

Karl stands and moves round the table to sit himself in Sutan’s lap. Sutan sighs as his friend strokes his hands over his shoulders and loops them loosely round his neck.

“I’m just trying to make you feel better, Heather.” Says Karl softly, kissing the tip of his nose.

“You’re succeeding.”

“Hey, what are friends for?” He says between gentle kisses against his lips that linger long enough for Sutan to start reciprocating but not enough to be satisfying.

When Sutan’s hand move from his hips to his ass, he grinds down into Sutan’s lap a little, teasing. Sutan sighs against his lips.

“Come on. I’ll help you forget about the whole thing.”

000

The sex started where these things usually start; BOTS tour.

It wasn’t a fumble in the tiny coffin of a bunk on the bus, or a small hotel where they had to share rooms. It was a strange shift in reality where Raja was horny and there was no trade around and somehow she thought it would be a good idea to walk the three steps across the corridor and knock on her best friend’s door. She can’t remember what she expected to happen; if she went with the intention of sleeping with Manila or if she just wanted to complain to someone who would be sympathetic but would ultimately tell her to pull herself together.

It was months after the kiss that was much longer and more passionate than most kisses that mean nothing and it lingered somewhere in Raja’s subconscious. Manila was stripping herself of her makeup and turning into Karl again and Raja sat on the floor watching her, her back against the bathtub. They’d talked for a while about their sisters and their journey and the lack of trade and they’d fallen into a silence while Karl washed the remnants of foundation off his face. Raja was in half-drag, too lazy and semi-drunk to change completely. She ran a finger down the line of a ladder in Manila’s tights, Karl stopped what he was doing as the touch seemed to shoot up his spinal chord and go right to his head and then down to his pelvis, but carried on without a word.

Fresh-faced, he turned to look down at Raja, and offered her a hand to pull her to her feet. Even without heels she stood notably taller than Karl. He realized that they hadn’t been this alone and this tipsy and this isolated together since LA Pride.

Raja followed his thought pattern through his face.

They stood close in the silent bathroom. A thud through the wall announced that it was likely that Sharon had fallen over in the bathroom next door, probably out of inebriation. Raja looked over her shoulder at the wall that separated the rooms, and then back to Karl.

It took Karl standing on his toes to reach Raja’s mouth to peck her lips affectionately. The gesture was friendly, and Raja smiled. Karl looked satisfied, and walked back through to the bedroom.

They talked for a bit longer, and then when it got to the early hours of the morning and Karl was eyeing the alarm clock warily, Raja decided to go back and collapse into her own bed. She hugged Karl from behind, enveloping him in long, artistic arms. He fell back into the embrace, fitting against Raja’s chest. He smiled comfortably as Raja pressed a friendly kiss to his head, then his temple and his cheek, and a slightly-less-friendly kiss to his jaw and an undeniably more-than-friendly kiss to his neck. The atmosphere change was palpable, like someone turned on the stage lights.

Karl felt completely malleable in her arms, not so much trapped as fixed to the spot, and could do little more than accept the situation as Raja’s kisses against his neck became more concrete. When he felt her teeth his eyes fluttered shut.

And just like that it had been set in motion. Karl let her mouth at his neck for a few moments before his heartbeat seemed to block out everything, and turned in her arms to look at her frankly, face undoubtedly flushed.

“Are we gonna fuck, Raja?”

Raja tilted her head on one side. “I guess so. Do you want to?”

Karl stood and stared at her with narrowed eyes for a while, internally debating. He sighed heavily.

“Yeah.”

The lack of hesitation when Karl reached up to kiss her again, properly this time, made the whole situation feel sort of inevitable.

000

They’re friends with benefits. After the night in the hotel, Sutan berated himself for a lapse in judgement while subconsciously looking for another opportunity for something similar to happen. When it does it actually makes his desire for it worse. He tries sleeping with other people to convince himself it’s just his general wish for sex, but it’s no good; it’s Karl. It’s something about his friend that keeps him pulling him into closets and inviting him over for wine-addled movie nights that lead to hours and hours making up for all the time they knew each other, but didn’t know each other.

Eventually when they talk, they both agree that relationships are terrifying and their respective and combined fame would make privacy virtually impossible. No, it’s not worth it. Neither wishes to risk their close friendship, but they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other when the sky gets dark and the alcohol warms their stomachs.

“We’ll just have to be fuck buddies then.” Says Karl with a shrug.

“Aren’t we a bit old for that?”

“Well, it seems like the only way to keep sleeping together without ruining everything.”

“You have a point.”

So it’s kept casual and kept a secret. Raja goes to Karl after gigs. Karl shows up on Sutan’s doorstep late at night, or on a quiet Sunday evening. They request rooms next to each other when touring, or they make do with hurried, hot embraces in the cramped space of the tour bus. No one finds out because they’re careful not to bite too hard or groan too loudly.

Karl doesn’t date; he doesn’t meet anyone he wants to date. Sutan tries, but he can’t seem to keep any of them. He finds he doesn’t really care.

They’re not exclusive; there are one-night stands and hook-ups and fairly touchy meet-and-greets, but neither seem to fully realise that the only constant contact in their lives at this point is each other. In a way they are exclusive, just without noticing.

They text and talk like they always have. They meet for dinner and go on trips with their friends and they tweet each other passive-aggressively and hold hands on red carpets and get ready next to each other, using the same dressing room mirror. Their friendship is as strong as it has ever been, if not stronger.

Sutan wears Karl’s borrowed clothes around his house for a while once he gets home because he likes the way the material carries his smell. Manila asks to do more and more shows together because she wants to watch Raja with her mouth going dry, her eyes wide and her head fuzzy with lust from the comforting secrecy of the wings of the stage. They don’t kiss after sex because they seem to have entered a silent agreement that such a gesture would be too close to tender and there’s no point unless they’re going to have sex again. One morning Karl’s blonde streak is glowing in the morning sun and he bites his tongue as he teases Sutan about his age or his hair or his cluttered house or something, and the image causes something to stir in Sutan and he realises he wants to kiss him. But no, that would be ridiculous and couple-y and totally out of line. So he doesn’t.

One of Karl’s friends finds Sutan’s glasses by Karl’s bed. The blind idiot will be walking into everything, thinks Karl. His friend makes a joke that is worryingly close to the truth and Karl brushes it off, taking the glasses off him, holding them carefully so he doesn’t smudge the lenses with his fingerprints while he considers whether people just assume that they’ve slept together at some point in the past.

Sutan takes a guy home from the club at least ten years younger than him because he has black hair and a pineapple necklace.

Sutan goes to Europe for ten days and both of them can barely sit still, being used to seeing each other at least once a week.

When he gets back, Karl drives to his house and kisses him on the fucking doorstep like a 40s housewife whose husband has returned from the war. Sutan smiles against his lips and holds him against him for a while before they move to the bedroom.

Fuck, he thinks.

000

“Who is he then?”

“Who is who?”

“The dude you’re fucking in secret. I’m dumb, but not that dumb. I’m kinda hurt you don’t wanna share, Su.”

“I’m not ‘fucking’ anyone in secret.”

“You so are.”

Sutan sighs and shakes his head. “Fuck off, Raven. I don’t need this today. We’re gonna be late for filming.”

The playful tone drops from David’s voice and he sets his jaw, staring at his friend as he packs up his drag.

“I call you and you don’t answer. You’re covered in hickeys half the time and it’s been months since you hooked up with someone. You’re seeing someone. I know you are. Just tell me.”

“Even if I was, I don’t see how it’s any of your business, David.” Sutan feels his temper rising with his panic as he’s backed into a corner.

“I’m worried about you! You’re acting fucking weird. You’re always awake really early and you’re home by 11 and you’re not over-sharing or anything normal.”

“I just—“

“And look at your room, it’s bad even by your standard, Raja!” David kicks at the clutter lining the floor. Sutan has spent very little time in his own bedroom recently, and things seem to have stacked up, both figuratively and literally. “I know you’re a hoarder and a slob and everything but it looks like you haven’t even been sleeping in here! And you’re always so careful with your clothes and you’ve just left them here in this pile, which is so unlike you, and they’re not even like your clothes, since when did your style change to be mostly brightly coloured shorts and fucking Manila Luzon shirts—“

David freezes where he stands, the end of the last word trailing off. His grip slackens and the shirts he’d been holding fall from his fist. He looks at Sutan incredulously.

“Since when did you own so many…? Since when…”

He trails off as he stares at his friend in utter disbelief. Sutan swallows hard and says nothing.

His rant finishes in a decisive and yet somehow still interrogatory utterance of “Manila.”

“Listen–“

“Sutan what the fuck is going on?” He asks frankly, and there’s a tinge of fear in his voice.

Raven’s eyes are cold, like stone, like a snake. Sutan’s mouth goes dry, unable to form words.

“It’s not what you think…” He manages. It’s exactly what he thinks, however. Sutan doesn’t like lying to David.

“Yeah right.” David releases Sutan from his stony gaze and looks at the pile of clothes. Leave Manila’s shirts out for everyone to pick through, smart move, Raja.

“I honestly can’t with you.” He says like it’s a eulogy. Sutan is still struggling to find a way to defend himself…and Karl as well, he supposes…

“I can explain.”

“I don’t wanna hear it. This is…this is not what I expected at all…I don’t – I don’t know what to say…I’m so – I can’t believe you kept this from me when you know how much I care about you both and—“

“Rave, you have no idea what’s going on.”

“Yeah, I don’t really want to know. I need – I need to go home and, uh…try to get my head round this whole fucked up situation.” He says and he’s already moving to the door. Sutan follows him.

“David, just listen, it’ll make more sense…”

“Doubt it. Don’t call me. I need some time.” He says over his shoulder. The snake stare is back and it makes Sutan’s skin crawl. David leaves. Sutan stares at the door for a while after it shuts.

It took a while for David to trust him like a best friend. He knows how much he hates being lied to. He knows that he’s angry because he cares. He knows he’s more than likely a bit confused by the whole thing.

Join the club, thinks Sutan.

He pushes all of Manila’s shirts under his bed.

000

“Girl, where have you been? It’s been like a week and I haven’t heard from you. Are you ok?”

Karl doesn’t sound mad. He sounds worried, and that’s all. Sutan’s throat closes up.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’m fine though.”

“What’s your damage, Heather?”

Sutan sighs down the phone. “Raven knows.”

“…”

Sutan bites his nails, chewing the black nail polish off his thumb.

“Raven…knows?”

“Yes. It’s my fault, I’m sorry.”

“Right, um…what did he say?”

“He was mad. He hasn’t spoken to me since and we have shows to do together, it’s gonna be really awkward.”

“Why was he mad?”

“I don’t know, it’s David, he’s temperamental. Probably just because I didn’t tell him or because we’re both his friends or something.”

He hears Karl sigh heavily through the phone. It crackles against the speaker.

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

“He’ll…he’ll come around. He has to. Did you explain what’s going on?”

Sutan thinks maybe he doesn’t quite know what’s going on himself.

“I didn’t get a chance to. He stormed out.”

“Well maybe when he understands the whole situation, he might calm down a bit.”

“Maybe.”

“Are you sure you’re ok? Do you want me to come over?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Sutan presses his nails into the palm of his hand.

“We don’t have to do anything. We could just…I don’t know…watch a movie? Order pizza? Cuddle until you feel better?”

That sounds to Sutan like the complete opposite of what he should be doing. It also sounds undeniably appealing.

“Sure. That sounds nice.”

“Sweet. I’ll be over in a sec.” He hangs up. Sutan sits down heavily in his armchair.

You’re a fucking idiot, Raja.

000

Karl’s attraction to Raja is really something he should have got over by now.

They’ve known each other for years, plus they met in drag. They spent the first months of rapidly-moving friendship in drag, or talking about drag or working on drag, and so she really shouldn’t still have this effect.

As practically a queen since birth, Karl has always been able to appreciate feminine beauty and all its different definitions and forms, but it seems like the corner of his mind that isn’t quite 100% homosexual comes out from the heavy darkness, hovering ominously in the corner of his vision, whenever he sees Raja in all her long-legged, inked-up, glittery glory.

Sure, she has pretty much the same effect on everyone, but it’s difficult when Karl’s supposed to be platonically fucking her. It’s a weird sensation; something he never thought would actually happen, but feels oddly natural since he has to admit that it’s been happening right at the back of his mind pretty much since he met Sutan.

He knows there’s a problem even though there doesn’t feel like there is because Sutan is his best friend and he’s always loved him and when he wakes up next to him he presses himself up against him like he’s trying to meld them together permanently and there’s something in his kisses that’s similar to what makes Karl want to write stupid love songs and he knows he’s a cliché but he’s a drag queen, they both are, so what do people expect?

“Ooh, baby, you’re driving me crazy, I can’t sleep at night…” Thinks Karl, swallowing heavily, staring at his bedroom ceiling and wishing it was Sutan’s. He won’t allow himself to see him too often, but he finds himself agitated and melancholy after a few days of silence. He hears his own stupid song echoing in his ears, knocking patiently against his eardrums, probing at his brain like it needs some form of ironic acknowledgement, like his past self is getting off on being ever-so-slightly prophetic.

You got yourself into this, Westerberg.

Maybe past-him is right. Maybe he’s stuck on him.

000

“Happy birthday!”

“That’s the seventh time today you’ve said that. I’ve been counting.”

“I thought I’d say it again. It’s not every day you turn…geez, how old are you now? Around…102, right?”

“107 actually.”

“Right.”

Sutan wants a cigarette, but he doesn’t want to move. They’re going to meet a big group of friends out in West Hollywood in an hour and a half, and he wants to bask in the afterglow for a while longer.

He thinks about being a year older and how in his profession it’s difficult to be a drag queen past 40 with dignity, especially in the strand of drag he does. He may not look his age, but it’s damn hard work to keep it that way.

He’s also very much single, and as much as he never wanted the whole nuclear family setup with a husband and children to come home to, society has clearly bred in him a subconscious worry that he isn’t living the life he is supposed to at his age.

Karl reads the furrow in his brow like actual text.

“Honey, what’s up? You know I’m joking right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Just…the usual feeling of getting older I suppose.”

“Babe, I was joking.” Karl has that soft neutral expression on his face, like he knows he has to be serious, but the light can’t quite drain out of his features completely.

“It isn’t your fault. I’m being dramatic again.”

“Please don’t have a mid-life crisis on me.”

He sighs. “It’s a bit late for that, isn’t it?”

“Su, your life is incredible. You’ve achieved so much. You’ve done, like, everything…everything you ever wanted to do…”

“I know.” Sutan nods. He runs his hand through gray hair. “I feel like some part of me thinks I haven’t done everything right since I’m not married, or even close to it, and that’s somehow…wrong at my age? Shit, even Needles is getting married.” He theorises. Karl has his cheek pressed against Sutan’s bare chest. He can feel his heartbeat under his chin.

“You hardly live a conventional life.”

“I know.”

“Is that what you want?”

“God no. I’m happy.”

“Then don’t let society’s expectations, or Raven’s fucking sappy Facebook posts, get you down. You don’t need marriage to be happy. You could never belong to just one person anyway.”

Sutan wonders if that’s true. He doesn’t doubt it, or question it, or reaffirm it, just wonders…

“And you have me and you have all your sisters and your friends and your family and so you have no excuse to be lonely.”

Karl raises his head, propping himself up on his arms. The sheets slide down off his back. Sutan’s gaze scans over his messy hair, the hickeys blossoming on his neck and collarbone, this unusual and inviting quality in his gaze that makes friends, enemies and strangers alike fall in love with him without really knowing why.

“I’m not lonely.” He says finally.

That small smile is back, that lifts the corner of Karl’s lips that Sutan has always envied for being such a perfect shape without needing any pumping. His eyes are so huge and Sutan’s train of thought skims past the eight-year age difference between them. Karl’s thoughts are somewhere different, but probably equally risky as they tilt precariously on the cusp of something new.

“Good.” Says Karl softly, like he understands at last.

He feels out Sutan’s cheekbone with feather light touches, sliding across smooth skin down to his square jaw. He closes the distance between them painfully slowly, and Sutan is screaming at himself inside his head, something about boundaries and best friends and bad decisions, something about sex and love, but he feels like sighing in relief that Karl took the first step so he didn’t have to.

The kiss is weird. Karl’s lips have never felt more tentative, he’s never held back like this, like he’s fighting against his tether. Even as Sutan slowly returns the contact, Karl doesn’t quite commit, teetering on the edge. He falls into it though, as he was always going to, and it’s soft and cautious and so hideously weighted with the unspoken that it leaves Sutan more breathless than all the hours of sex they’ve had combined.

Karl pulls away, carefully, like he’s extracting something delicate, and Sutan blinks his eyes open slowly to look at him.

“Happy birthday.” He says again, quietly, into the heated space between their mouths.

000

“So you’re fucking Raja?”

“Who told you that?”

“No one had to tell me. She made all her Manila shirts into cushions. She seems to now have an infinite supply and it’s all over social media.”

“Maybe she just bought them? Maybe she wanted more? Why jump to conclusions, Juju?”

“Because you haven’t denied it. You’re fucking him and I know you are, so cut the bullshit.”

“…”

“And also Raven told me.”

000

The sun is beginning to rise. The night has officially become morning with it’s watery light.

Manila feels heavy and uncomfortable under her makeup. She sits at the side of the pool, in a rare moment of quiet without someone coming to talk to her. It’s 5 am. She presumes most people are heading home.

Pool parties are fun, especially when she gets paid a lot of money to attend, but there’s a chill that comes with the morning that prickles at her skin under the robe she’s draped over her swimsuit.

She’s drinking water. Her throat is dry from talking and singing. Her calves ache from dancing, her shoes have pinched at her heels from standing in them for too long.

Raven appears, sitting on the bench next to her without a word.

There’s something both peaceful and dislikeable about this time of the gig; a calm after the storm of a party, but a winding down that parallels her descent into sobriety that makes her just want to go home.

Raven sighs. They haven’t had much of a chance to talk while the party was in full swing. This is the first time she’s seen Manila since she figured out she was fucking her best friend.

“Just ask, Raven. I don’t have the energy to dance around this all day.”

“How do you know I have an agenda? I’m fucking exhausted and my feet are killing me. Maybe I just wanna chill in silence.”

“You’re chewing off your lipstick. You’d never do that if you weren’t anxious.”

A beat of silence follows.

“So you’re sleeping with my best friend.”

“Yes.”

“You’re sleeping with your best friend.”

“I suppose so.”

“How did that happen?” Her tone is light and casual, like she’s asking how her weekend was.

“BOTS. Drunk and alone. Pretty standard.”

“Romantic.”

Manila laughs resentfully.

“We sort of slipped into a habit. We thought it’d be best not to tell anyone because it wasn’t serious and we have too much to lose.”

“Except it is serious.”

Manila sighs, weighed down and crumbling under it all.

“You’re both a bit old to have meaningless sex, you know that, right?”

“That’s what he said.”

“And of course you do realise it isn’t meaningless, right?”

“I’m beginning to.”

“It isn’t a good idea to love him, Manila.”

“I know and that’s why I don’t.”

Raven’s smile is filled with pity. She looks forward across the valley again, at the sun slowly rising.

“Yes you do.”

Manila sighs again.

“It’s so easy just having him there. It’s all too easy. It’s all my fault.”

“Don’t give up yet. It isn’t all bad. I haven’t seen him like this in a long time. Either your dick is magic or he’s caught up in it all just like you. He hasn’t fucked a backup dancer in months.”

Manila pulls all of her thick hair over one shoulder and flexes her shoulders that are starting to seize up, her waist strangled by her corset.

“Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Raja said you were mad.”

“I was mad she didn’t tell me. I was mad because I was shocked.”

Manila nods. She licks her lips; most of her lipstick has rubbed off and she can’t remember where she put her gloss to reapply it.

“Have you ever fucked her?”

“Yes.”

“Thought so.”

“The situation was different though. I didn’t love her.”

“Are you sure?”

Raven takes a minute. “Yes. Yes I’m pretty sure. We were drag sisters, and then rivals, and then both RuGirls, and then friends. We’ve never been anything outside that. It was a few nights of boredom and nothing much else. Besides, I’ve found my soul mate, and he’s nothing like Raja.”

Manila nods. She looks down at her feet and absentmindedly kicks an empty bottle in front of her.

“You got off fucking easy, honey.”

Raven smiles a little at that.

“Maybe. You’ve just gotta make it right, and it’ll be worth it…probably…”

“That’s reassuring.”

“Sorry I don’t do supportive that often. Just talk to her or something, I don’t know.”

000

“Someone’s started an internet rumour about us.” Mumbles Sutan. Karl takes the phone from his outstretched hand.

“Hm.” He stares at the screen intently for a while. “Is it a rumour if it’s true?”

“Yes.” Sutan takes the phone off him. “Are we that obvious?”

Karl shrugs. They’re out drag shopping. Together. Karl’s life has become a blur of yellow dresses and walls around his heart and Sutan this, Raja that, both of them wherever he turns and whenever he closes his eyes. He can’t tell if he’s getting tired or getting comfortable.

Sutan is too engrossed in corset fittings and chasing up each individual piece for concepts and looks to worry about it. The internet swells and stews in its theories that are closer to the truth than it probably expect. Karl takes pictures of his best friend as he stands in a floor-length gown, without pads or makeup or a wig or anything, just checking the colour with his complexion, and he’s carrying himself in the proud, effortless way that’s quintessential Raja even when he’s Sutan. Karl compliments and critiques. They get lunch and walk the long route back with Starbucks and Karl hasn’t thought about sex all day.

000

They don’t get to perform together that much. Manila’s wanted everywhere, Raja’s needed everywhere else, and the BOTS schedule keeps them on separate continents for a while. That’s why moments like these are sort of precious, when World of Wonder gives them a call and the Drag Race family must assemble and they get to paint their alter-egos onto their faces side by side again.

The lighting is shitty, and Sutan worries that he’ll look busted, but it also isn’t worth leaving the bathroom to find better light because then he wouldn’t get to tease Manila about her attempts to glue down a particularly stubborn lash. He watches her blend her wing into her crease and step back to admire herself in the mirror, pouting slightly to tighten her cheeks and tilting her jaw up to watch the shadow catch underneath.

Sutan glances back at his own reflection, the light sitting on his cheekbones as he paints over Sutan’s slight signs of age with Raja’s immortality.

“Are you in love with me?” Raja asks, because she gets told that a lot by strangers. She thinks about how many times people have professed love to her, how many men have sighed it into the dark hot air of Sutan’s bedroom. She wonders how one would go about validating that statement.

“Yes.” Says Manila. “I am.”

She isn’t looking at Raja, she’s looking at herself. She’s stopped applying her lipstick, and is just staring at herself with an edge of resentment, like she’s berating her own weakness. Her shoulders slump, she sighs, she presses her lips together. Raja catches every idiosyncrasy reflected in the mirror.

Raja has never wanted to hear someone say they love her less.

She nods solemnly and goes back to blending her foundation down her neck. Their light and easy relationship just got a lot harder and heavier.

“Why did you make me say that?”

I didn’t. “Because I wanted to make sure.”

“You knew?”

“Sort of.” Sutan has known since Karl kissed him in the cold light of day on Sutan’s birthday with no agenda other than feeling him kiss back.

Manila laughs sardonically. “That obvious, huh? I’m sorry, Raja.”

“Don’t be.”

“I think we both knew it was always gonna be this way. You sleep around and I catch feelings; it’s who we are. This whole thing was a terrible idea.”

“Probably.” It doesn’t seem that bad in Raja’s memories. It seems warm then hot and forbidden then natural. It seems like an eventuality they had no chance of escaping.

“I think it’s, um…I think it’s best if I just, give you some space for a bit…” Manila says. She’s putting on mascara, and the conversation is the most serious and least dramatic that two drag queens have ever had. It’s like a business transaction and the detachment in Manila’s voice probes at Raja.

“I don’t want that.” She says, because it’s the truth.

“Now everything is out in the open, I don’t wanna hurt every time I see you, Raja. I need to get my shit together.”

“If that’s what you want.” Raja swallows.

“It isn’t.” Says Manila lightly, with a slight hitch in her voice.

“Then why does anything have to change?”

Manila looks across at her then, and Raja turns to meet her eyes. When she sees the muted pain there, crushed and suppressed under Manila’s unquenchable need to be vibrant, she starts to laugh.

The hurt in Manila’s eyes deepens and then warps into confusion as Raja chuckles to herself. She moves closer to pull Manila into her arms. The other stiffens.

“You fucking fool.” Raja says softly, dipping her head to be closer Manila. She nudges her forehead with her nose to make the shorter queen look up at her.

“I was wondering what the fuck you were talking about.” There’s relief in Raja’s voice, and it makes Manila relax a little. “You think I don’t feel the same. That’s it, right?”

Manila swallows hard. With her eyebrows raised and her crease cut, her eyes look bigger than ever. “You…you do?”

Raja laughs again, happily and breathily. Her grip tightens round Manila’s waist. She kisses her gently despite their lipstick.

“You’re over complicating things as usual.” Raja says softly. “I’m head over heels, bitch. Pun intended.”

“You couldn’t have mentioned that earlier, you whore?” Manila murmurs in a sigh of relief. Her eyes are closed. She’s smiling and it’s contagious.

“Watching you squirm was fun.”

“I hate you.”

“I love you.”

“Gay.” Says Manila. Raja’s grinning like an idiot and she wants to kiss her again but she remembers the car arriving to pick them up in around fifteen minutes and she doesn’t have time to redo her makeup. Nothing feels even remotely unnatural or new about holding each other like this, talking close, sharing breathing space, because they’ve been doing it for almost a year now.

“What are we gonna tell everyone?”

“Nothing? The truth? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”

“What are we gonna tell Raven?”

“Uh…I’ll get to that later.”

000

“Do you love me again?”

“I never didn’t love you, bitch.”

“Well you didn’t talk to me for weeks which is almost as bad.”

“It was the shock, I think. I don’t like being left out of this kind of thing, Raja.”

“I won’t keep important stuff from you anymore, ok? It is legitimately none of your business, though.”

“I know.”

“Are you…are you at least happy for us?”

“Of course. Mostly because I know you won’t screw each other over. Whenever you tell me you’re seeing someone, I immediately pity them because I know what you’re like with relationships, but with her, I’m not worried. She won’t break your heart because she isn’t physically capable of it, and you won’t screw it up because you know how much is at stake.”

“The public will react how they react, we try not to care too much.”

“I don’t mean the public, you dick. I’ve never seen you in this deep. All this time, it turns out you just needed to date your best friend. You fuckers are perfect for each other, and you’ll be married in two years.”

“Looks like you have a soft centre after all, Rave.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Neither of us wanna get married. That’s not our thing.”

“Sure.”

000

They tell the rest of the world on a stage in front of hundreds of screaming fans of all genders, ages, races and sexualities, surrounded by their sisters and under the welcoming glare of stage lights. Michelle Visage takes the microphone off Manila and after the noise of the crowd finally dies down, she says; “All I have to say about this development, ladies, is that RuPaul owes me 20 bucks.”

#raja gemini #manila luzon #raven #rajila #circe #rpdr fanfiction #submission

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faeriekim-blog · 5 years

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P.I.S.T. - Chapter 4

“I wish you wouldn’t just turn up out of the blue like this,” she said, “I could’ve been in the middle of something. I could’ve been at work or in class.”

Her mother just waved away the complaint, quite literally. She actually physically waved her hand in response. “Oh Christine,” she said. “We know it’s only Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays you’re in college. And you only work weekends and evenings. Why can’t we come visit our little girl just to check on how you’re doing?”

Chris rolled her eyes and turned around to walk to the kitchen. Because it’s invasive, creepy and inappropriate, she thought. I mean I could’ve been masturbating or having sex! “Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?” She asked.

“Oh, that would be lovely, dear,” her mother replied. “Tea for me. And Jeffrey?”

“I’ll have a coffee,” said Dad.

Typical of him to be awkward, Christine thought. But she kept her frustration to herself and with a deep, calming breath, she put on the kettle and got the cups, coffee, teabags, milk and sugar ready.

“Hmm,” mother mused from the hallway. “This place could do with some work, and a good spring clean. I honestly don’t understand how you can live this way.”

Chris turned round with a frown and looked around at the kitchen and the hallway, where her mum and dad were still standing around, putting down bags and taking off coats. How long were they going to stay?

“It’s fine,” she said. “I tidied and hoovered two days ago. What else do you want?”

“Now, now, Christine,” her father replied, “don’t get testy. Your mother’s just concerned about your wellbeing.”

Testy? What kind of word was that? Chris sighed again and returned to the business of making the brews. It was best to let it go. “Go through to the living room,” she told them. “I’ll bring the drinks in shortly.”

They went to the living room. She finished making the drinks and then she brought them through.

She sat down. They all drank their tea or coffee. There was a weird, tense silence. Chris wondered what they objected to about the house. She lived here with two other students. It wasn’t super tidy but it was only usual household clutter. A few books and papers in haphazard piles on various surfaces. It was fairly clean too, especially by the standards of most students. She kept the kitchen as clean as she could and she dusted and hoovered once a week. Sure, there were some decorating issues but the house was perfectly functional for their needs. Parents could be so picky!

“How’s the course going?” Dad asked.

“Great, yeah,” she replied, “I’m loving it.”

“And the job?” He asked.

“Ok,” she said. “It brings in the pennies. And I love my customers and fellow workers. It’s really a lovely place to work.”

“Vegetarian restaurants,” mum said in a disapproving tone, “art degrees, feminist groups. When are you going to make something of your life, Christine?”

Oh here we go, Chris thought. Another annoying lecture!

“Now, now, Mary,” Dad interjected. “Let’s not start another argument.”

“I can’t help it, Jeffrey,” said mother, “it’s grandfather all over again.” She brought out a handkerchief and started mopping away a few tears. Chris was sure they were fake. “Do you know how much my mother suffered because of his half-baked ideas and crackpot ways? We were so poor growing up and all because he wouldn’t get a proper career to support us but devoted his time to that silly psychic group.”

Christine didn’t like to hear her grandfather spoken about in that way. She sighed deeply, inwardly furious. Why did she always have to bring that up? Chris had already heard the story a thousand times.

“They weren’t a silly group,” she argued. “They were pioneers. Grandad even got a book published on the phenomenon! He was a visionary.”

“Oh come now, Christine,” said Dad, “you know that ghosts and fortune telling aren’t real. It was ridiculous bunkum and he wasted his life on it.”

“Times were different back then,” Chris argued. “And Grandad was a success at what he was doing.”

“It didn’t help pay the bills though, did it?” said mother. “It didn’t bring the pennies in to support his wife and children. My poor mum had to scrub floors for a living. Such a disgrace!”

“Well, maybe men and women should work together to support the family!” Chris said, her pulse racing with sudden anger. “Maybe a man shouldn’t be expected to be the main breadwinner all the time. What was feminism for if not to fight against those sexist stereotypes?”

“Well, like you said,” mother replied, “times were different back then.” Christine fell silent then. It was actually a valid point. She could hardly hold past generations to the standards of today.

She sighed again and looked at her feet. She wasn’t unsympathetic to grandma’s plight, or her own mother’s unhappy childhood either. But Grandad was a great man in her eyes. He was so kind and funny, so creative and wise, so leftfield and interesting in his views and lifestyle. He was a lovely, old Irish man, who she loved to death as a child and his ideas and work inspired her.

“Look at your father and me,” mum continued, “we worked hard to support you and we’ve built a good life for ourselves. He works in a bank and I work for a respected legal firm. We’ve made enough money to have a comfortable life when we retire. But what about you, dear? How long are you going to coast through life, following impossible dreams of being an artist or wasting valuable time on activism, instead of putting aside money for a family or so you can comfortably retire when you’re older? When are you going to settle down with someone and have children?”

“Mother,” Chris said, “I’m lesbian!”

“I know,” she replied, “and I respect that. But lesbians can adopt, can’t they? Find yourself a good woman and settle down. Get a decent job and build a life for yourself. That’s all I’m saying. I know you loved your grandpa and were really upset when he died but please don’t follow him in wasting your life and your potential on crackpot ideas and fruitless dreams.”

“They’re not fruitless dreams!” Chris snapped, slamming her teacup down on the table so that the teaspoon chimed angrily against the china. “I’m not wasting my time on activism! Being a feminist or a vegetarian are not ‘crackpot ideas’! Art can change minds and hearts, mother. It can change the world. I’m helping women and the LGBT community with my activism. I’m doing good things with my life! Maybe I don’t want to conform to society’s expectations when society’s ideals are rotten to the core. Maybe I don’t want to work for the rich man and contribute to the continuing oppression of the poor, the disabled, people of colour, women and lesbian, gay and transgender folk. Maybe I want to make a difference to the world!”

“And how can you do that with no money and no power?” Dad said, calm as anything but with eyes so cold and disappointed. “Listen to your mother. She’s talking sense, Christine.”

Mum shook her head and placed her hand on her brow dramatically. “Oh, it’s your grandfather all over again,” she said. “We tolerated the haircut, the clothes, the lesbianism. But honestly, Christine, try to think of the future. You can’t just be a student and an activist for the rest of your life. You’ve got to pay your way in this world. That’s just how society works.”

Chris sighed again and looked at her shoes. There was no point arguing with them. They had a completely different outlook on life. She wondered how they had managed to be teenagers during the 60s but let the ideals of the hippy generation completely pass them by.

She barely tolerated the rest of the conversation. Once they had got their concerns off their chest and Chris had stopped arguing the point, they soon moved on to talking about aunts and uncles, weddings and children. Christine responded as best she could but her mind was elsewhere. Eventually they said their farewells, gave her a hug and left.

She crept up the stairs, exhausted and shook by the whole exchange. Why couldn’t they just let her live the life she chose?

She entered her bedroom and took a box from under her bed. She pulled out a photograph and an old paperback book. They smelled musty and old. The photo was of her and her grandfather. She was only a little girl at the time. They were both smiling so happily in the picture and his arm was around her so lovingly. She turned the photograph over and on the back were the words, “don’t let the bastards get you down” and it was signed “Grandpa Willie”.

She put the photograph back in the box and looked at the cover of the book. She brushed off the dust with her hand. The book was called “Psychic Phenomena and the findings of P.I.G.” That was the name of grandad’s Psychic Investigation Group. He had found it amusing that it spelled out the name of an animal. In fact Grandpa Willie had been the one who told her that pigs were highly intelligent animals and that we shouldn’t eat them.

And there was his name under the title: William McInnery. It was him who had formed the Psychic Investigation Group or P.I.G. to study mysteries and the paranormal. Suddenly a drop of clear liquid splashed onto the cover. It came from her eye. She was crying and hadn’t noticed.

She sniffed back the tears and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Then she put the book away. Pull yourself together, she told herself. You can’t save the world if you break down in tears at the slightest setback.

The next day after classes, Christine went to the radical feminist discussion group that met up every Wednesday afternoon at Bedford College. As usual the room was a bit cold. They needed better heating in here. But it was a large room, the walls were white and the floor was clean. They sat in the centre of the room in a circle of chairs, the same kind of grey plastic chairs with metal legs that you get in schools.

There was a new member there this week, a cute, feminine looking Indian woman in her early thirties. Her name was Sophie, which seemed like an unusually European sounding name for a woman who was clearly from a South Asian background. Then again though, Chris thought, there was some Greek influence on certain parts of India during the time of Alexander the Great and after hundreds of years of Colonial influence, surely some Indian parents gave their children English names anyway.

It was nice to see a new member. The group was getting kind of stagnant these days. Radical feminism was hardly as popular as it used to be. It was intersectional, fourth wave, “choice” feminism that was all the rage now. Some members of the group were very vocal in their criticism of it. Even Chris had to admit that celebrating young women flaunting their bodies for cash and focusing heavily on the latest PC crusade with regards to race or disability did seem to have deflected the feminist movement from its primary aim of empowering women and challenging sexism.

Following a preliminary introduction, one of the group decided to raise a topic that reminded Christine that even her own side could annoy her at times though.

“I want to raise a serious topic that I don’t think we’re really talking about enough, to be honest,” said Heather, a plump, rosy faced middle aged woman that Christine knew well. “I want to talk about the current wave of ultra politically correct transgender activism and the worrying consequences of bowing to its demands too willingly.”

There was a tense pause. Christine knew that the room would be divided on this issue. She glanced over at the new member. Sophie was visibly squirming in her seat. She looked around at the room nervously and for a moment their eyes met. Chris gave what she hoped was a sympathetic smile. Sophie smiled shyly back and swiftly looked away again. Was she blushing under her brown skin? Had Chris accidentally made some kind of move?

“A key aspect of women’s oppression is to do with our reproductive rights and our bodies,” Heather continued, “and in an age where we cannot even talk about pregnancy or periods without treading on eggshells around the language we use, when we can’t even talk about vaginas as female organs anymore, our ability to even talk about this oppression is being eroded by politically correct transgender newspeak. This is a problem. Controlling our language and our ability to talk about our needs and our rights is a form of oppression in itself. And have you seen these videos on YouTube talking about how not being sexually attracted to women with penises is transphobic? How rapey is that? It’s not ok to be a lesbian anymore? It’s not ok to be repulsed by penises? Are they really saying that lesbians have to be ok with sucking some guy’s cock and if we’re not, then we’re the bigots? And then there’s the issue of women’s spaces being invaded by men who believe they’re women. Not just toilets, but prisons, changing rooms, rape shelters. They don’t even have to have had the surgery or been on hormones anymore. We’re supposed to just welcome them in because they wear a dress and high heels and call themselves women! Well, when are we going to speak out, sisters? When are we going to stand up and say it’s not ok for misogyny and entitlement to creep in through the back door in the name of trans activism?”

There were several cheers and murmurs of agreement in the room. But there were other women there who looked uncomfortable and uncertain. Chris felt like she should be the one to speak up.

“I agree about the erosion of language,” she said. “I’ve been a bit concerned about that myself. As you know, I have my own misgivings about language policing and the picky PC culture of the fourth wave. However…” She paused, trying to collect her thoughts. “I’m not sure we should be so eager to paint every single person who has a penis as part of some homogenous group of misogynistic male rapists-in-training. The thing about trans women in women’s spaces, is that these are not men we are talking about, and certainly not the same kind of men who would be any kind of danger or risk to us. Don’t we believe that gender is a social construct? Don’t we believe that there are no intrinsic traits that define someone as male or female other than those that come from biology? So if a trans woman, who by nature feels uncomfortable in a male role and desires to adopt a female role, needs to access a female space, what exactly are you saying the problem is with that?”

“They’ve still been socialised male,” said Heather, “they still have been trained to objectify women and view us as lesser. They still benefit from male privilege.”

“Do they?” Chris challenged her. “Do you even understand anything about the transgender condition? What privilege has been afforded them has been tarnished in their own eyes by the crushing limitations and pain of having a gender role forced on them that is utterly anathema to their own nature and desires. In short this should be something we understand only too well from having femininity forced on us! How can you sit there and claim that people with penises all think the same, feel the same, are the same? How can you imply that there would still be a risk from these people even after they have sought hormone replacement therapy or sexual reassignment surgery? Are you really claiming that there is something other than the physical that defines our genders? And socialisation? The whole reason that socialisation and gender stereotypes are so damaging is because men and women vary in their natures and our genitals do not define us. Do you not see how you are complicit in the very faulty thinking you claim to be fighting by stating that these transgender women are actually rapey, sexist men in disguise because they are somehow utterly defined by their evil male penises?” She paused for effect. Heather was frowning, as were some of the others, but they didn’t interrupt. Several other women were watching and listening with interest.

“I wonder when we lost our way,” Chris added, shaking her head. “I wonder which side of feminism has lost its way the most. There are many things about fourth wave feminism that cause me concern, that worry me that the feminist cause is in danger of being watered down or that we are being distracted by intersectionality and losing sight of our true focus. But when I listen to you assigning stereotyped, unchanging attributes to people based solely on what genitals they were born with, taking the most desperately miserable, most persecuted and most misunderstood demographic and vilifying them as no different from brutish, arrogant men purely because of the possession of a penis, I wonder if you truly understand anything about gender or what makes a trans woman different from a cisgender man.”

“Is this a ‘not all men’ argument?” Quipped Jean, a skinny young lesbian with short hair and crooked teeth.

“Yeah,” added Heather, “and what about the erasure of lesbians and the insistence that we should all be eager to sleep with a woman who has a penis?”

“Of course you don’t have to get sexual with a penis,” Chris responded, losing her patience with the tone of the discussion. “And of course it’s ok if you define your lesbianism as including a preference for vagina. But it’s also ok if other lesbians define their orientation differently. It’s ok to acknowledge that a trans woman is a woman and that in any case trans women do not relate to their penises the way men do. Many trans women do not even want to use their penis like a man would. Do you know that? Many of them do not even like to be touched there. If a lesbian can see beyond anatomy to the person beneath, then who are you to invalidate her identity? Isn’t that just as dangerous as invalidating the identity of someone to whom the genitalia of their partners is important? Both things are wrong and we should all support each other.”

Chris paused again and looked around the room. There was no verbal comeback this time. But several of the women looked shocked by her words.

“I don’t know how to explain this any better,” Chris continued. “When did this become a battle of words or an assigning of labels on people? Are we doing the same thing as the fourth wavers now? Man, woman, lesbian, gay, straight – these are all just words. It’s people that matter, not labels! ‘Not all men’, you say. Well, damn straight it’s not all men! Men are people too you know. They don’t all think alike, or feel alike. And I would’ve thought it obvious that a trans woman is the type of person, among those born with a penis, who is the most unlike the macho stereotype of the sexist man. There is no universally applicable attribute to what men or women are like, other than mere biology. That is what we believe, isn’t it? So how can you sit there and say that a trans woman is any more of a risk to women than a butch lesbian or a trans man? Even if you assume characteristics to those who have testosterone pumping through their veins, which may well be a reasonable assumption to make, then I’m sure you can see that once those factors have been altered then we are no longer dealing with a man. This is certainly the case after surgery. If you somehow think we are, then you no longer believe what you claim you believe. You are tacitly asserting that there is some non-physical, essential difference between men and women, a difference of the mind.”

Chris paused again and let out a long sigh. The room was silent.

“I remember the eighties and early nineties,” she explained, “even though I was only young at the time. I think we have badly lost our way. Not just the fourth wavers, but us radical feminists too. Socialisation or no, physical anatomy or no, we are all just people underneath. Whatever someone does with their own body, or their legal or social identity, it is not my place to judge it. Men and women come in a variety of forms. We are not defined by our genitals. There is no essential difference between one born male who wishes to transition to female and someone who was born female to begin with. If I were to believe that there was an essential difference then I would no longer be able to declare myself a radical feminist. I would’ve bought into society’s and patriarchy’s lies about gender.”

She sat back in her chair, breathed a long sigh and relaxed. All was silent for a while. Then Heather began to speak, a little less emphatically, about her concerns and the conversation continued. It didn’t matter though. Chris had said her piece. She had checked their bigotry just enough that they when they continued it was with more care and compassion than before.

After the meeting was over, Sophie came up to her. “I wanted you to know that I agree with you, wholeheartedly.” The Asian woman said with a cute little smile.

Chris looked down at those delicate features, those big brown eyes and that long silky black hair. Why were Indian women so beautiful? “Oh,” Chris said, blushing, “thank you.”

“It was a really great speech,” Sophie added, looking down and away with another shy little smile.

Chris didn’t know what to do with herself. She found herself fidgeting with her hands, not quite knowing where to put them. In my pockets, by my side, clasped together in front of me, where do hands go again? Suddenly Sophie looked up at her again and Chris stopped moving her hands, as if frozen to the spot.

“Are you a lesbian?” Sophie asked. Chris looked down at those big dark eyes looking up at her hopefully. She merely nodded. “Ah, good,” Sophie replied, looking down at the ground again. “Only I was thinking of going to the lesbian night at the Barley Mow on the weekend, and wondered if you wanted to come.” She looked up again, expectantly.

Chris smiled a warm, broad smile. “I’d love to,” she said.

I’m only posting the first 8 chapters of this story on this blog. To read the rest of it, please buy The Psychic Investigation and Study Team on Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk

#fiction #fantasy #supernatural #writing #novel #lgbt

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