#but every time i delete it i just redownload it the moment i get bored ToT

[hierneneuro]

self care is being like 'enough.' and stopping the 6 hour tiktok scrolling session to get up off your couch and sit down at yr desk pour yrself a coke zero and start the tumblr scrolling session

[flashflashitsash]

I’m back! ٩( ᐛ )و

I know I don’t have to explain myself, but I do want to answer some questions, yes I took a break as fully “disappeared” for a few hours. I’ve had this anon for about half a year now. I needed this break. I deleted the tumblr app, I muted discord, and switched out of my fandom ig account for about a week. It was nice to just be invisible for a while, meditate and bring myself back from how close I was getting to being in a dark space. Many things the anon has said to me are triggering for me. I did not always respond to this anon. I still have a handful of their messages in my inbox, this last one plus some personal things going on was just the mento that caused me to explode.

But I logged in and got smacked in the face with this—

When I tell you I cried, I’m lying. I ugly cried. For like an hour.

I just want to say a big, huge, ginormous thank you every single person who sent kind words and support my way. You have no idea how helpful and encouraging they were once I redownloaded the app— @galahadwilder @falling-electricxangel @spartanxhunterx @rosetheshapeshifter @chanceuseladynoire @your-forgotten-garlic-bread @the-space-paradox-alien @ladyblackjack @a-popcorn-kernel @kasienda @janaikam @cosmiccarrotcake @mango-pickle @smittenvixen13 @chris-hattori @iveofficiallygonemad @thecaptainthunder @xthreeravensx @rosieleaf @alexseanchai @anjuschiffer @fleur-de-jasmin-fdj @talang-bituin @naresar @landturtlealyce @ao3bronte (your message made me crack up) @celinedgd @mizu4thewin @ange-lica-3 @shyflowerpetal @plaggandadrienbondingisthebest @miraculousnatdsouza @depressedrainbowcake @ghostlyhamburger @lady-charinette @nomolosk @galen066 @obfuskate @dadplagg-mamatikki @miraculouslycool @p-artsypants @zenmisery @chronicallylatetotheparty @mochegato @supergirl9130 @johnnycatalina @katieykat513 + SO MANY MORE I WANNA TAG BUT TUMBLR WONT LET ME, And those who stayed on anon, those in discord servers APS, LO, and MLFT thank you again for your support, those who commented on support posts and the anon post ♥️ there is literally no way I could ever thank all of you for taking time to send me a message/being supportive. Also a major, like MAJOR thank you and love to @lalunaoscura who let me vent and cry and just pour out all my bottled up feelings. And @hermionemonica who stayed up so so late just to check in on me everyday. The silent hero’s who told me not to throw it all away and just do what’s best for me in the moment and then come back. Also @gryffindorcls who checked in when she could and giving advice. And literally as I’m typing this out this morning more of you amazing humans are sending more positive words and I’m just—(つ﹏⊂)*sobs*

I am nervous and hesitant to post my art, but I don’t want to let one person to ruin something I enjoy and love sharing with everyone.

So I hope y’all aren’t bored of ml color palettes because there’s still a bunch to be posted (๑•͈ᴗ•͈)◞✏

[autisim]

My simblr hiatus is finally over (probably)! I’ve just about finished off my latest batch of uni work and have the tiniest amount of free time to myself before I have to start my next assignments, so what better way to spend that time than playing some Sims? Just joking - I’ve decided to do a bunch of boring organisational simblr stuff instead.

Started my CC folder from scratch & been redownloading everything so I have to decide what I want to keep rather than trying (pointlessly) to decide what to delete. Next I’m going to merge everything together so it takes up less space. Ended up downloading a bunch of new mods in the process though, so I don’t know whether I managed to reduce the size of my mods folder at all...

I need to look for a new theme for my simblr on the desktop site, since I don’t like the old one that much and the icons don’t seem to be working. I might make a pinned post with links for easy navigation to all my stuff too. I should also get a new header image for my mobile theme, as that seems to glitch weirdly sometimes and not show up properly for whatever reason.

Oh, and I am working on the Castelli legacy again. Working on those posts was making me anxious for a while but I’ve finally got my inspiration back. The first post of day 2 will go up on Tuesday, and then it’ll be one post every day after that until the end of day 2 (as to when I’ll finish editing day 3 and any subsequent days - I know better now than to make promises). 

And I’ve been making sims based off of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and Dragon Ball characters but I’ll probably keep those to my self unless anyone’s interested lol. Working on a Vegeta sim at the moment, except with slightly more animalistic features than in canon because I like depictions of saiyans where they’re not just humans with tails and are a bit more alien (okay, okay, I just love pointy ears and fangs). I also gave him a maxis-match substitute for his spiky anime hair because I couldn’t find any Dragon Ball CC that I liked. Just need to find a monkey tail or something similar to finish off his look.

[austinmccarrick]

No Social Media > Social Media

After watching Max Strossel’s lecture on social media, I took a moment to reflect. What is social media’s effect on my life? I did not like the answer. I have long been somewhat of a conscientious objector to social media. In fact, last year I took a three-month break from all social media where I deleted every single app. Of course, by the end of the three months, I was slowly sucked back in. “Oh, I’m just going to redownload Snapchat really quick to check something”, “oh I’ll delete it tomorrow, I just want to check something really quick” – WRONG. When I look around and see the way that social media impacts my life and the lives of those around me, I am disheartened. How many family holidays have I seen everybody gather in the living room only to pull out their cell-phones? How often have I seen my friends and family and loved ones retreat to the comfort of their phones in situations that would otherwise be social and full of laughter and life? Do not be fooled, I am no saint… I begrudgingly conform to my social media overlords. But, if I had it my way, I wouldn’t even have a phone!

Having the internet constantly at my disposal has made me overly-reliant and lazy. By that I mean that when I am bored, nine times out of ten I will turn to TikTok to occupy my time rather than finding something productive and rewarding to do. I am not sure if texting qualifies as social media, but I really liked Strossel’s observation that, “in general, it is very easy to miscommunicate over text … so much gets buried under the surface”. I can relate to this very much. I often find myself getting frustrated with people over text for no good reason other than the fact that I’m probably misinterpreting their tone over text and they’re probably misinterpreting mine. Texting deprives us of body language, tone of voice, and other social queues and leaves us to our imagination to fill in the gaps. It’s no wonder that people get into pointless fights over text, when more than half of the communication is missing from the “conversation”.

During my three month hiatus from social media, I felt what can only be described as inner peace. When my family goes camping in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and I lose all cell service for a week. That is when I feel the most relaxed. I love spending time in the U.P. because it forces me and my family to set our phones down and enjoy each other’s company for a change. This summer, during my annual U.P. trip with the family, I think I laughed more and laughed harder than I have in a long time. All too often, phones deprive us of what would otherwise be amazing experiences with friends, family and loved ones.

Moving forward, I would like to drastically limit my time on social media. I already use Apple’s Screen Time Limit function to limit the amount of time that I can be on social media apps to an hour per day. However, I usually end up bypassing this setting and clicking “15 more minutes” over and over again. After watching Strossel’s lecture, I am going to make a conscious effort to actually set my phone down when that hour is up. If I find myself feeling especially bold, I might even try deleting some apps!

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?