#but even though this essay is a bit unpolished I still like it

[drev-the-procrastinator]

6, 11, 22 from this ask game

ohohoo thanks for the ask!!! this was harder than i thought it would be. also heads up, the snippets are very unpolished and like 1st draft things. i hope you like them anyway!! <3

6 . that i struggled with, but triumphed over my bachelor's essay lol okay let's see what i've got… ajaskhfa there are so many things i am struggling with right now to be honest ghh. and am yet to triumph over. hmmm. okay i thought about this very hard. but i cannot think of anything to fit this category jafkjsf. i only have things i'm currently struggling with ;_; upon more reflection i would like to nominate this answer as this one ajfaksdfjaskfjn. not a very good answer i know but. it's truthful at least! i was considering maybe taking part in a wip wednesday to maybe work on some of the ones i'm really struggling with, but we'll see!

11 . with characters i want to write more in the future hmm two choices… I'll go with the TOH thing! okay i chose this one specifically because i've got a WIP with both of them, this one, or the hypothetical toh fic as i like to call it (because i had/have my doubts about if i ever actually manage to write it) and then two other WIPs with one about Evelyn and Caleb, and then one being a. post-canon, pre timeskip road trip au with Hunter and Luz. so i do want to write both of them more! so yea

“Oh! Oh.” caleb looks stricken for a moment, before making a visible effort to school his expression. “No. Have you thought- this whole-?” the man cuts himself off, pressing a hand to his mouth. he isn’t very good at guarding his expressions, hunter notes, puzzled by the distress that shows through. “I just… I assumed?” he says, fiddling with the empty mug, shoulders rising, but in embarrassment rather than fear. “It was a long fall.” there is a short moment of silence that to him at least feels like hours, during which hunter, ears burning, does his best to wish he’d sink back to the ground from which he’d crawled out, until caleb snorts in amusement and drops the hand from his mouth, and the tension breaks. “I suppose it was,” caleb says with the corner of his mouth pulling to a start of a smile, in a tone hunter would swear is almost fond, and offers hunter his hand. the titanawful distress is gone from his face. hunter takes the offered hand, without hesitation, and caleb pulls him to his feet. “No, you’re not dead,” caleb reassures him, as he gently holds hunter’s hand between his own again, even though it’s perfectly warm here in the little cabin and his fingers don’t need any warming. hunter doesn’t feel the need to pull away, but he knows that if he wanted to, caleb would let him, without question. “You yet live. I’m sorry I’ve kept you this long. it’s taken… a bit longer than we thought.” “We?” caleb smiles, a quick, knowing, almost mischievous smile, but in lieu of answering he steps back just a little, looks hunter over, and with a squeeze of his hands lets go. only to step closer, slowly, just to an arm’s length from him, and then when hunter doesn’t flinch away dusts something off hunter’s shoulder, and smoothes a crease from his shirt, fiddles with the collar of the wolf t-shirt as though any adjustment would carry over to his, apparently still living body, until he seems satisfied, and then sets his hands on hunter’s shoulders again, both, this time. it’s a little like how his uncle had used to look over him when he’d been really small and had to accompany him to some sort of important social function, but a lot more like camila looking over luz at the doorstep that first day she’d had to go back to school in the human realm, even down to fixing his clothes. hunter’s still a little shorter than him, not by a lot, and most likely not for long, but for now caleb does have to look slightly down at him. “Right,” he starts, and then doesn’t seem to be sure how to continue. his eyes flit back and forth, around hunter’s face, as if only now, in the golden soft light of the moment just before the dawn breaks, he’s seeing him properly for the first time. taking him in. committing to memory. “This is it, then?” hunter asks, even though he already knows. caleb hums, glances out the window, and hunter follows his lead. the sun is just below the horizon. the tops of trees nearby are bathed in a bright and warm red light. “Just about”, caleb says and looks back at hunter. he’s silent for a little while, before exhaling softly out of his nose and carefully, telegraphing his every move (though it’s not like he could hide them from someone with hunter’s training anyway), brushes some stray hairs from his face, including the ever-present strand that bounces back immediately. “I don’t know how much of this you’ll remember”, caleb confesses, his hand settling back onto hunter’s shoulder so lightly that hunter knows the grip, if it can even be called that much, would break if he were so much as to lean backwards, “I’ve never sent anyone back before. But I hope something remains. If nothing else, then what I told you in the clearing.” [***] “And you’ve got to take better care of yourself”, caleb says, sternly and only half-teasingly. “There’s only so much magic that can fit in a palisman that small. Cardinals aren’t big birds, young man.” hunter’s eyes widen.

hehe :3c also the thing caleb told him in the clearing? well i didn't like the wording on it so i took it out. oh dear, looks like you'll have to read the whole thing to find out someday.... and YES if you've read "hands, grasping", it IS the same fall! same fic haha. i'll put a read more here because the next bits are rather long,,, yes, long snippets, i don't get to share my writing often ahaha. but anyway!

22 . that is so blissfully self-indulgent

hghhhh okay let's see. I'll give you a toh snippet and then maybe a REAL self indulgent one, i mean, the sort that has a potential readership of. maybe two people max lmao. sorry, hunter's having a bad time in this too :( tw i suppose for bad injuries on a minor. and blood. sorry hunter

something warm dripped down his chin. he thought he might've heard someone screaming his name, but it was hard to tell past the ringing in his ears. he might've hit his head on landing. funnily enough, he couldn't feel much pain from that. it was quite wholly eclipsed by the searing, piercing pain in his chest. i'm not caleb, but the thought was more like a distant, frightened question. everything else felt distant, far-away somehow, but he was very aware of his physical body. the hot pain in his chest- dark red stain on white cotton- i'm not caleb-- the shivers, his skin breaking out in a cold sweat. the rough ground against his palm and arm as he tried to hold himself up, the tiny sharp pebbles digging into them. the cold numbness starting to spread from the tips of his fingers and toes. the sharp sear of the wound in time with his rasping breaths. the blurry sight of his bloody, trembling arms. there was a stinging cut on his left palm, from the blade-arm. the ground below him, glistening with spreading dark red. i'm not caleb. he had to get up. he had to stand up. he couldn't fight, but he couldn't stay here. the only thing he'd serve as a distraction for would be his friends as they'd scramble to shield him and keep any attacks or debris from hitting him. he had to move. he had to. he tried to get his legs under him, but even just moving them a little, ignoring the flare of searing pain he had to grit his teeth together against, he could tell they wouldn't carry. he crawled. from the sound of it, a sizable rock crashed into the ground where he'd just been seconds ago. he only made it a couple more feet before the jittery, jelly-like feeling from his legs spread to his arms. a mere foot further, and what little strenght he'd managed to claw from himself had run out. his arms were too weak to even tremble. it was all he could to to slowly lower himself to the ground, instead of just collapsing outright. it was getting harder to breathe. he felt something bubbling up inside his chest. he coughed, and it hurt, and his mouth tasted like iron. i'm not caleb, and now it was a desperate plea. […] the fit passed. he spat out the blood, and squeezed his eyes shut.) his breaths were shaky, and not just from pain. i'm not caleb, he thought and clung to that thought with the desperation of a drowning man. i am not him, so i will not die like him. i won't die at belos' hand. i can't, because i'm not caleb, and i am going to live. i am going to live, because Flap gave his life for me to live, and i promised him, and i promised my friends, and i promised luz, and i promised caleb, and he told me i'm not him, i'm hunter, and caleb died but hunter will live. i'm not caleb…

he'll be fineeeeeeee and the other, really self indulgent one, just for me:

"we’re married now, after all. i am your wife”, she said, and the words brought with them a warm feeling in her chest, in her belly, in her heart, “and you are my husband.” “…and what does that mean?” “what do you think it means?” “i… i don’t-” he cut himself off, swallowed whatever he’d been about to say, if he even knew it himself. for a moment he nearly looked ill, and stared at her so helplessly it made her want to bring back his father just to send him to his coffin herself. but now wasn’t the time for that. she let her anger and frustration bleed out in a sigh. “for now…” she slowly lifted his hands, making sure to hold them gently, to give him the chance to pull away if he wished. he held his breath, but did not move away. his hands stayed in hers; his hands, smoother and softer than her own even after all this time. so warm, always so kind to her. now slightly trembling. slow in her movements, she kissed them, the softest touch on the knuckles on each hand. she heard his breath catch at the first of them, but he still did not pull away. she looked back up at his face. his eyes, glistening in the firelight, were wide, but he no longer looked as sickly pale with fear and panic as he had before. it seemed as though he had been looking at her and seeing a stranger, and the spark of recognition was only now returning. she let her gaze soften. “…it means whatever you want it to mean. nothing more, nothing less.” for a moment, there was silence. he searched her face, her eyes for something she could not have consciously given him, neither moving, not speaking, barely breathing. just when she was starting to fear it wasn’t there, whatever he needed to find, he found it. she saw it in the moment he unfroze, how his posture dropped from the fear of a prey animal he’d entered the room with to exhaustion in the blink of an eye. “it’s you”, was all he said, and it was such a strange thing to say, in all its relief and its surety, that she couldn’t help but smile, but couldn’t even herself tell if it was from amusement at his words or sheer joy that he’d said them. he was tearing up, face slowly cracking with emotion. “it’s still you.” “well, of course”, she said after a moment of consideration, and reached to brush a strand of hair from his face, and smiled in what she hoped was hidden bemusement. “it was all the make-up and jewelry, wasn’t it.” his hand that she had let fall immediately grasped the other. “no,” he said and shook his head for good measure, and continued, voice thick, “i think i forgot. but it’s you.” with him gripping her hand like this, as though his life depended on it ,where just before he’d first not even looked at her and then flinched from her touch, she thought she understood. she laid her free hand on top of both of his. they still trembled. “it’s me.”

hehe haha. the ace yearning of someone loving you so much that they think you're enough just as you are is strong with this one. also they are my guys (gender neutral)……. also what's it with these snippets and someone making sure the other one can pull away from their hold if they so wish?? maybe it's someone who has all their life been forced into Situations of all sorts getting to interact with someone who Knows and doesn't want to force them into any more Situations if they do not wish to be. very different sorts of Situations in this one. but even so.

[centrally-unplanned]

Serial Experiments Lain: A Guide to Proper Mindfucking Procedures

(I finished Lain! I originally wrote here “will jot down some thoughts, maybe I can write a full essay sometime later”, reviewing it now this is absolutely a full essay, so scratch that lets commit)

Serial Experiments Lain is a starring member of the pantheon of 90′s “mindfuck” anime, those shows that supposedly blow the mind with esoteric philosophy and trippy visuals. Current-me has frequently sallied against this notion, particularly the idea that any of these shows (or most any show) are that philosophically dense - the nature of television & film is such that they almost never are, which is normally a good thing. But young-me watched Lain around the same time I watched the original Ghost in the Shell film, and I had that halcyon experience for both: intriguing, but also on the border of incomprehensibility. As such I held little opinion of either of them, not trusting my hazy memories, until I saw them again much later. Ghost in the Shell, by the way, is a terrible, painfully boring film, precisely because it tries to be that philosophy-mindfuck concept. Which can work when you are young and stupid, but once you have read literally anything, anything at all, a single op-ed will do, about “AI and Identity” or the like its ideas are trite and shallow while it has sacrificed characterization, plot, and pacing in pursuit of that failed dream. 

Lain on the other hand is a brilliant show that succeeds at that concept far better than media like GitS ever could precisely by not even trying to be that. The thematic foundation of Lain is actually quite simple; the openness & inter-connectivity of the internet is not just utilitarian but can offer a way of living that is seemingly brimming with unlimited freedom and emancipatory potential, but that promise is found fundamentally to be a hollow (ahem) shell, with reality being not only inescapable but desirably so. Or something like that? I mean maybe. Lain never spends that much time on answers, because those are boring; instead focusing on the actual experience of the titular Lain herself as she navigates these concepts. All of the content it throws out are lateral moves around this core, details to mull over as opposed to attempts to “go deeper”, which makes it not-that-hard to follow once you understand that is what is happening. There is even a scene where the, let’s say “villain”, tries to go full-philosophy on Lain: who is the real her? What is identity anyway? Plays that whole entire hand, and she replies:

Which, given that those themes are absolutely the themes of GitS, made me laugh out loud and yes is 50% of why I am comparing them. I am certainly not saying that Lain doesn’t have philosophical concepts, it clearly does in spades. Stitching those concepts together into a grand thesis, however, is just not the focus. 

What is Lain’s focus is mood, and I have never seen a show use so many varied animation concepts and narrative approaches all towards capturing a singular mood; that of the free-wheeling hacker-for-truth aesthetic of the early internet. It is of course famously filled with glitchy shots of Lain flickering on CRT monitors and horror-shadowy power lines, damn does it have so many shots of power lines. But that is covered ground - instead I want to note how often the narrative approach itself just goes off the walls in service of its goals. Episode 9 is the peak of that approach, where scattered throughout the episode is a fully-fledged documentary that starts with the Roswell incident, which it then admits is fake, nevermind! before pivoting to discourse about Schumann Resonances and the Earth as a decentralized Neural Net and...

Just a screenshot from an anime here folks! Vannevar Bush better have a Danbooru tag 

All of this information is “true” by the way, as in real concepts and thinkers and crackpot ideas...until the end, when suddenly its someone from Tachibana Labs adding Schumann Resonance Integration to the 6th Protocol and wait-a-second that’s the show-canon, Tachibana Labs isn't real. As a ~youth~ you might be foolish enough to try to figure out how say ELF bands might be critical to understanding the plot of Lain, which is a classic “philosophy mindfuck” mistake; its all bullshit, the ideas only matter in the most loose way that does not require understanding them. Yet, this is *exactly* what that early hacker internet felt like; crazy ideas being stitched together from low-pixel edited docu-footage repurposed to utopian futures or secret conspiracies, and by sliding this stream-of-consciousness braindump right into the canon of the show it makes Lain feel like a perfect simulacra of that age. To spend any amount of the runtime of an episode on this and to actually pull it off is queering the madness/genius binary in the hottest way. 

The reason Lain can pull this off is its other source of strength I alluded too - all of these visual elements are in service of a very human story, that of Lain trying to figure out her place in the world. And this arc hits one of my sweet spots for media, what I have called the “multifaceted arc” in the past, where instead of a show having multiple independent arcs for characters it instead has one seemingly-completed arc that proceeds to be refracted, challenged,and altered over the run of a show. I mentioned in my previous Lain essay how the show was using the visual language of exposed skin to communicate Lain’s digital emancipation, becoming Lain of the Wired. In those early episodes that is what is happening, and this process peaks around the halfway point with a confident, powerful Lain. She spends much of episode 6 looking like some variation of this:

Total badass. That confidence and power then proceeds to be abused, manipulated, revealed as a false identity, and then stripped away over the latter half of the show - being Lain of the Wired turns out to be a curse as much as a blessing, and for the very human reasons of the connections to real people she loses through that process. This emotional core does an amazing job of keeping you grounded - in the same episode as that conspiracy documentary, Lain has her first kiss! (Its a bit of a dud, but still). And by the end of the show she is at the apogee of her digital empowerment, and also riddled with despair, loneliness, and in desperate need of help, looking like this:

Note the withdrawn pose and the positioning of Lain backgrounded and way below her friend in the frame, to imply a state of weakness despite her capabilities. That is some classic visual language by the way: no crazy shot effects, no weird narrative devices, just straightforward emotional communication. Lain spends 50% of its runtime going full avant garde, but never (okay, rarely) lets that overwhelm its arc, and threads the needle to make that arc one of the deeper and more moving arcs I've seen in a show.

Serial Experiments Lain is far from perfect, despite all the praise I just put on it; Episode 6 for example has some dumb midichlorian-style “you are trying to explain something no one needs an explanation for” plot, and half of the crazy visual effects are compensating for the fact that its budget was like 10 dollars. But it peaks far exceed its valleys, and I am exceedingly happy to have watched it; I have always struggled to name my “Number 5″ on my top 5 Anime list with a lot of contenders for the slot, but Lain might have just snagged the title.

(Which would make my top 5 list *entirely* composed of anime from the second half of the 90′s, and not due to nostalgia as I only saw the majority of them in the past few years. Certainly a question worth answering, but for another time...)

[firewoodfigs]

memento amare - chapter 9

I'M IN DESPERATE NEED OF THIS HAHA LOVE U THANK U

lakjshdlasd come off anon so I can hug u and tell u I love u........ I love u nonny <3 thank u for remembering this fic even though I’ve not updated in MONTHS (and for reminding me to LMAO) 

I think I’m about halfway through the first draft, but here’s some context as to why it’s taking me so long LOL 

actually there’s just one overarching reason probs... it being I was overly ambitious LMAO like. there’s not much royai in this chapter relative to the rest, but it’s quite a pivotal point of the story and i tried to go all in for the chess metaphors bcs that’s what one (1) melodramatic colonel would do right?? turned out to be quite a formidable task for a chess noob who is nowhere near Beth Harmon’s level like me to write chess in a technical and metaphorical way HAHAHAHA but!!! we’re halfway there my dudes!!! I’ve spent many hours playing against a computer and learning the basic openings and/or variations and watching/reading the queen’s gambit... 

... only to get wrecked by my bf who hasn’t played chess since elementary school. literally what on earth but I take comfort in the fact that Roy has consistently gotten his ass whooped too <3 self-projection at its finest!!! 

[tw for brief discussion of politics below, but skip to the end for a snippet if you wanna!!!] 

the second reason is because this chapter deals with a number of political elements. honestly with all that’s been going on in the world lately, I feel like I have to tread really carefully even if it’s just fictional work bcs I know politics can be a real sensitive issue for some (and rightfully so). I think I've been struggling to find a balance between being politically correct while still staying true to the overall historical context of politics in the early 1900s / late 1800s. the concept of a democracy didn’t really flourish until the early 20th century, at least, and even then there was a lot of doubt and disillusionment about the workability of a democracy that stemmed from the Great Depression (and many other factors, but this shall not become a history essay 😆).

in the meantime, have a little, raw and utterly unpolished snippet (and a fantastic day!!!) <3 

---

They traded pawns in the center, traded small talk for a bit more before segueing into their agenda.

“I’ve read the reports that you submitted,” Grumman mused. He brought a knight out to the fifth rank, still with the same unperturbed smile. Mustang studied the board carefully. There was no haste in mounting a counterattack. His bigger priority, it seemed, was achieving equality. “They’re very detailed.”

“I’m glad.” Mustang offered a diplomatic smile. He replied with his queen’s bishop pawn, hoping for a pawn storm; it would allow him to break Black’s kingside and mount an attack.

“I’m glad, too - to see you hold on so resolutely to your goals even after all these years.” And his heart sank a little: first at Grumman’s fianchetto, and second, at the unspoken but.

Mustang frown slightly. He mirrored Grumman’s move, developing his own kingside attack as he waited for an elaboration.

“You know I’m on your side, of course.” Grumman picked up Mustang’s knight, an avoidable sacrifice, and set it aside gently as one might a precious stone. And then the elaboration came. “But there are some inherent contradictions, I’m afraid.”

[b-witchered]

Eeeeeeeeeee! I love tgia SO MUCH❤️ Any chance of more Renfri and Renfri&Yennefer? 🥺 The parallels on chapter 11 were f***ing amazing. (Thank you for writing the alive!Renfri we all deserved)

Renfri and Yennefer definitely get more scenes together! However, I do fear I’m setting up some of my readers for failure oops. Renfri/Yennefer as a couple isn’t going to happen within the scope of tgia for a few reasons

PUTTING THIS UNDER THE CUT, plus a little tgia snippet from the next chapter, because i have never been accused of being concise in my life

Honestly? They might have slept together at some point when Geralt and Yennefer were on the outs. They’re both very attractive individuals, danger and almost dying clearly gets Yennefer fired up, and Renfri has been known to make questionable sexual choices when it comes to Very Dangerous Individuals. So their relationship probably does include some flirting, some pushing of boundaries, some erotic subtext where Renfri has at least once put her sword under Yennefer’s chin and tilted it up

But when it comes to an actual relationship, Renfri at least is smart enough to put her foot down. They’re fine as rivals-friends-frenemies, but Renfri has some serious trust issues. Especially with mages. Especially with brotherhood mages. Yennefer knows Stregobor. She might not like him, but they belong to the same order. 

And then there’s the big thing between them: Yennefer wants kids. She wants, desperately, to be a mother. This is tied into her whole desperation for unconditional love thing she has going on. Renfri? Does not want kids. Absolutely against them. If she somehow gave birth tomorrow, that kid would be either adopted out or in Jaskier’s care quicker than you could say “curse of the black sun”. It’s not even that Renfri doesn’t like kids. She’d be a great weird-aunt-who-gives-an-8-year-old-a-real-sword-as-a-present. But Renfri does not want to be responsible for a child’s life and health and safety.

There are other little things. I love comparing and contrasting Renfri and Yennefer in tgia honestly because it’s so much fun? Yennefer was born a peasant and clings desperately to the power and prestige her magic affords her. Renfri was born a princess and cast it aside with pride so that she could be as unladylike as she pleased. Both of them knowing that power means sacrifice. It’s a gilded cage to be sure, but it’s still a cage. Yennefer was willing to make the sacrifices and change herself to gain power while Renfri ran. Granted, Renfri ran for many reasons but let’s be real, tgia!Renfri wouldn’t have stuck around to be married off and shuffled away to a quiet corner of the kingdom, out of sight out of mind. 

Renfri was a princess, but her father was a King with male heirs. No matter what parallels I draw, her situation was vastly different from Princess Pavetta, sole heir of Queen Calanthe. And even then, even then with circumstances giving her great importance and a parent in power who should have been sympathetic to her plight, Pavetta was still a pawn on a board who was expected to marry a man she did not love for a political match and then become a background trophy. But even so, Pavetta would always have been Queen and the keeper of her bloodline, and so retained at least some power. Until she produced an heir of course, after which she would have become... less important to keep alive.

Renfri on the other hand? After Jaskier’s birth, she’s a spare. Jaskier is the male heir, and so he got to leapfrog over Renfri in the inheritance. Renfri is officially a bargaining chip, one that doesn’t even have to be compromised with because she is not going to be running the country. As best she could maybe hope to strike a political match with a prince and become a queen of somewhere not her homeland, with little power and easily replaceable. But Stregobor claimed Renfri had internal mutations, ones that might make her sterile, and so as a bride she would be... undesirable to say the least, except perhaps as a bride to a widower who already had heirs to follow him and needed no more. Perhaps to a second son who needed a bride but whose family tree needed no new branches. Which means she would likely be married off to a man, possibly very much her senior, probably not a King but perhaps a Lord (or lord’s son) currently in the king’s favor. This choice would have been made for her, and she would have been expected to accept her new position with grace.

Yennefer’s father sold her away as well. Yennefer’s father struck a financial deal. Renfri’s father’s deal would have been political in nature, likely. Yennefer was bargained away to the brotherhood, Renfri would have been bargained away to a man. 

(me, loudly: what about the implications of a mage organization comprised of all genders being called the brotherhood.)

Renfri and Yennefer each have. A lot of issues. A lot of these issues would make then incompatible for a longterm relationship. Renfri needs someone she can feel safe with, and that someone is never going to be a brotherhood mage, even if it could even be a mage at all. Yennefer needs someone who loves her unconditionally, who places her first, always. She needs to be someone’s first priority. That doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic relationship mind you, but either way that person can’t be Renfri. For Renfri, her first priority is Jaskier. Always. Just like Jaskier’s first priority will always be Renfri. 

(He loves Geralt, he does, but if Geralt was his first priority then he would have told him about his sister long ago. Geralt is important to him, and he would move heaven and earth for the Witcher, but his sister is the only family he dares to claim and he defeated death itself in her name.)

Yennefer and Renfri both have serious control issues as well. Yennefer has literally mind controlled Geralt before, has manipulated him, and keeps him on his toes. She has this need to be in control, and for the most part Geralt is fine with following where she leads, and that makes her feel safe with Geralt. Up to and until she finds out that Geralt’s wish might be the reason why she loves him, and then all of a sudden it isn’t her in control, it’s some untamable uncontrollable magic, and she absolutely flips her lid. She’s furious! She feels betrayed! All this time she thought she was in control, but then she finds out that Geralt tied their fates together or whatever. 

(Thankfully, this isn’t an issue in tgia, but Yennefer also doesn’t exactly love Geralt in tgia so much as she loves being loved. Their major conflict in tgia is probably going to be about children, honestly, because Geralt sure as fuck doesn’t want any.) 

Renfri? Also would very much need to be in control of a relation. Maybe especially the sexual aspects of it considering her trauma involving that. She’s pretty, and that hasn’t done her any favors. She bristles under restrictions and has broken the door of every cage people have tried to shove her into, including death though she had a little bit of help from Jaskier breaking out of that one. She’s protective, and secretive, and has trust issues a mile wide. She never even tells people her name. Every piece of personal information is carefully controlled. And who can blame her for her trust issues a mile wide? She was assaulted when she was fifteen. At least one man she willingly lay with literally murdered her the morning after (thanks Geralt). Renfri has issues with intimacy.

So yes, while I love throwing them in scenes together and I love their snarky terrible friendship where Yennefer proposes they do something terribly dangerous and Renfri is like “...i mean i GUESS i’ll go.” unless she has a prior commitment OR it conflicts with her primary motivation of protecting Jaskier (getting too close to Geralt threatens this purpose), they won’t be getting together in the scope of the fic

which i hope people won’t be too disappointed by oof

sorry for writing you a whole essay about Renfri and Yennefer when you probably did not want it lmao, as you can see this has been pressing on my mind and tumbled about more than a little bit. 

(honestly though if Pavetta hadn’t been married to Duny and hopelessly in love with him, I might have shipped her and Renfri tbh. They had plenty in common, Pavetta had magic and would have been powerful enough to defend herself but wasn’t a brotherhood mage, they got along well and had inside jokes, the only thing standing in the way of that ship (besides Duny and. you know. the whole death thing) is that Renfri wouldn’t be too keen on becoming a queen/having to deal with shithead nobles again and the whole issue of Stregobor. But Renfri is a princess of a royal bloodline, was raised to be royalty with knowledge of court customs, and is a trained and blooded warrior. Let’s be real, Calanthe would have loved Renfri as a daughter-in-law. Renfri is exactly the ruthless sort of heir Calanthe would adore. There would be the issue of an heir of course, but as long as Pavetta was the one pregnant it wouldn’t be a big deal because Pav’s the one with the important bloodline to carry on.)

ANYWAY you have been very patient with me so here is a tiny Yennefer and Renfri snippet from the next chapter - 

As soon as they’re alone, Renfri turns to Yennefer. “I’m going to kill you for this. One day. Sleep with one eye open, Witch.”

“Come now,” Yennefer teases, “It can’t have been that bad.”

“I genuinely can’t tell if he’s criminally stupid or just ignoring the obvious.” Renfri hisses, “I’m carrying a sword. What kind of handmaiden beheads a bandit?”

“A very loyal one.” Yennefer offers, but she’s trying way too hard to keep a straight face and Renfri can see the smile she’s doing her damnest to contain. 

“You’re lucky I didn’t kill him in his sleep the fourth time he started extolling your virtues for taking an ‘unpolished peasant’ under your wing.” 

That makes Yennefer break face and give a most unladylike snort that she covers with one dainty hand. “You know,” She says, laughter still in her voice, “I wouldn’t need him if you just agreed to go with me.”

“If this is you trying to annoy me into going on an adventure with you, the answer is no.” Renfri immediately states. “Need I mention the last time you talked me into going monster hunting for you? There was a fucking manticore nest, Yennefer.”

“You enjoyed yourself, admit it.” Yennefer smiles with a flip of her hair.

Renfri presses her hand together and then presses them to her lips like she’s about to start praying for Yennefer to get some sense in her empty, empty head. “You are literally insane. You know that right? Stark raving mad.”

[anwo-prinz]

Anime Expo Anisong World Matsuri ~kawaii live~ 2017 Post-concert essay

Okay so here’s my really long write up about the concert. Includes pictures and background info on call books I helped with. tl;dr I cried a lot.

pre-concert: I had already been planning to attend Anime Expo 2017 since I’m fairly local to the area (I live in Southern California) so it was easy for me. However, the moment AX announced WUG and Cinderella Girls for a Day 0 concert, I was so shocked! I never thought that WUG would return nor that imas would ever come to the US. I’ve been a fan of both since the WUG anime came out, and for CG through the original mobage (mostly rolled over from 765 animas though). Of course, most people know me as an ArisuP. 

Once the announcement was official, I caught wind of people who wanted to organize creating fan call books for the live. I signed up to help as an artist for the imas CG call book and the WUG call book. I was happy to be able to contribute to those teams and was really excited about our books! 

Here are the pages that I helped with. WUG chara chibis, Nanamin, Miria, and Arisu doing calls.

Bonus - I did the back cover for both of them! 

https://twitter.com/suna_chika/status/876980186490601473

While signal boosting for WUG call books before the show, the WUG character designer, Sunao Chikaoka, noticed our book! He said the outfits were cute.

I was able to get a copy of all 4 of the call books that were passed out! 

actual concert time:

CG Setlist: 

Star! 

Goin' 

Yumeiro Harmony 

Yes! Party Time! 

Onegai! Cinderella!

Performers: Mika, Anzu, Kirari, Miria, Frederica, Kanade I couldn’t believe that CG was the opening act because they were the group I was most hype for. They opened with the first 2 songs, then did introductions, they did a short MC section where they showed the Cinderella Girls Theater clips and Cinderella Girls anime clips and had the girls voicing their lines. Mika/Miria was the first one, followed by Anzu/Kirari. Frederica and Kanade did theirs solo. I was really happy that the audience seemed to like it and new fans could put faces to the characters. By the way, I was pretty much crying through the entire thing and cheering as hard as I could being choked up. My favorite was Yes! Party Time! and that was SO HYPE! Seeing their outfits glitter up close, every girl was so cute. I especially loved Iidashi since I have a Cool idol bias haha. 

Mika was also the designated leader & center, which I loved - felt very old-school CG (back before Mio became the poster passion idol). The only thing is that I wished they had done some solo songs (Hotel Moonside, Ankira, Tokimeki...) or some group songs like Orange Sapphire or Tulip. Ah, well. It felt really like it was a very safe approach. 

Also, none of the girls tried to speak English to the audience if I’m remembering correctly. My Japanese isn’t fluent, but I can understand a bit. So the impression their act came off was kind of like “Well, to like iM@S, you should already know Japanese! Also, come to a proper live in Japan to experience us fully” haha. They didn’t bring a fully cohesive unit so I think that’s why they mostly stuck to the group songs, which did feel a bit generic. But that’s not to say I didn’t cry like a little baby because IMAS FIRST WESTERN APPEARANCE AHHH I LOVE ;_; 

WUG Setlist: 

Tachiagare!

Shoujo Koukyoukyoku

Koi? de Ai? de Boukun desu!

Beyond the Bottom

7 Girls War 

Gokujou Smile

Performers: Full Group (7)

MY GOD WUG WAS SO STRONG. They were such a cohesive group. Mayushi and Yoppi’s vocals were AMAZING, I really loved them. The last time I’d seen one of their lives (BD, not in-person), it was one of the first ones they did so they were very unpolished. But seeing the difference in the 3 years that’ve passed... It felt very emotional, realizing that they had really worked so hard to become as amazing as they are now, and that there’s a 4th Live Tour (which I’m planning to see, hopefully!). 

Having them open with the 2 very strongly anime-based story songs, and having come right after CG, I had NO TIME to recover at all, so I was really a huge screaming sobbing mess during WUG’s performance. During the intro segments, I was again crying as I cheered on each girl. It was really cute, they told us their nicknames as well “Please call me Ai-chan!” or “Please call me Yoppi!” (though, in Japanese mostly)

I felt that most of the audience wasn’t very familiar with WUG when they first started, but by the end of it I could feel that so many people had become fans of theirs. Their choreography was absolutely stunning to see, and hearing them perform live was a whole different experience to seeing their lives on a computer screen. Not to mention the emotional bond of following them as the underdog idol series, it was truly an amazing experience I’ll never forget. 

Walkure Setlist:

Koi! HALATION THE WAR

Ikenai Borderline

Bokura no Senjou

Ichido Dake no Koi Nara

Rune ga Pikatto Hikattara

Performers: Minori Suzuki, JUNNA

Thank god we had an intermission before Walkure or else I may have gone through cardiac arrest right on the spot. I was able to collect myself a bit though I spent the entire intermission still sobbing and reeling from the two groups I regarded the most highly. Anyway, I’m not familiar with Macross but I did listen to a lot of Walkure songs since they’re very catchy. It was really something to be able to see it performed live.. with just 2 out of 5 members present, Minorin and Junna really captivated the theater and you could feel their amazing presence. The songs were incredibly hype, really pumped up the audience and not to mention Junna’s talent is just... I’m really speechless! 

Walkure was really cute because Minorin interacted a lot with the audience (”Do you like ANIME? Do you like WALKURE?”). They asked what countries people had come from to see this concert, so of course USA, but also Canada (”Ah, that’s right! It’s near America!”), China, and they even heard Dis shout out “SCOTLAND!” at which they were very surprised. They also asked where was the best place to eat burgers, so everyone shouted in unison IN-N-OUT! and it was very cute. 

The last song being Rune ga Pikatto Hikattara made me extremely happy! It’s my favorite song by them. Minorin taught the audience how to do the Woa-woa, whoa-whoa-whoaaa call before they performed it. She wasn’t satisfied with us at all! She kept making us repeat it at least 3 times! She is so cute, and her acapella singing for the chorus part was great. I definitely cried and now I feel very emotional whenever Walkure songs come up on shuffle. 

Also it was adorable how Junna wasn’t allowed to say the good-bye because she’s 16 and can’t work after 10pm hahaha.

Aqours Setlist: 

Aozora Jumping Heart 

Kimi no Kokoro wa Kagayaiteru kai?

Koi ni Naritai AQUARIUM

MIRAI TICKET

Yume Kataru yori Yume Utaou

Performers: Full Group (9)

I have to admit here: I am a fan of Love Live’s μ's but I have very, very little emotional bond with Aqours and Love Live Sunshine, nor am I familiar with their songs. However, that’s not to say they weren’t great! I thought they really were stunning live. It was amazing how in sync they were with each other, not to mention the seiyuus are sooo pretty. During their songs, in the background screens it showed the animated scenes of the songs and their dancing matched up perfectly. It was really cool to experience! Plus, the audience was really hyped up (of course, I’m sure that’s what most of the people were there for). However, by the end of the concert I was already tapped out of energy so it was a bit hard to enjoy, and I felt that the Aqours songs were about the same generic, safe sort of songs like the CG full group songs, and that their vocals were weak and not very distinctive in comparison to Walkure and WUG. But I’m also glad they were the last to perform since all the Love Live people were forced to stay until the very end and experience every other idol group. lol. They also had the most English of each group, I think? Iirc, Riko was pretty fluent almost. 

Overall, it was a seriously amazing live and I can’t believe I still survived the remaining 4 full days of Anime Expo after that. I really truly hope that this concert showed the Japanese industry how much of a western audience there is for idols, and that there were lots of new fans for WUG and CG after that concert! 

Also: I was able to sit quite close up and in the center since my friend snagged an orchestra seat for us! I was happy to get seat 315 because I love SideM. 

Lastly, there are no pictures or recordings allowed DURING the live. However you can usually find stuff from staff twitters of the performers and behind-the-scenes pictures from them. That’s pretty standard and mostly why you’ll only see drawings or tweets from people after JP lives.