#but either way in my opinion it is the better version barring those mistakes. well and the ranch cow thing. BUT IT'S A GOOD TRANSLATION

[prismatoxic]

hey anime-onlys now that we're on anime hiatus it's a great time to read the manga which you should do in general because it's so fucking good please please please please

hmu if you need a link to a site with the official translation

[starshipsofstarlord]

Stuck in 1903

Part Two

Masterlist

Summary: Damon and Bonnie had come to your rescue, or so you thought, but it is Kai’s every intention to get close to you again

Pairing: Kai Parker x reader

Warnings: angst, smidge of fluff, mentions of smut, mentions of death, mentions of murder, bad friendships, mentions of poison, swearing

Word Count: 2052

Find Part One Here

divider by @firefly-graphics

If the Other Side continued to exist, then you would be there rather than this subordinate prison world which had been designed for one bad witch. Kai's own kind feared him, you had experienced him mentally draining your energy, he was a chore to put up with, but he could do much more than that, you had learnt from Bonnie. He fed off magic, physically stealing it from bodies and items that harboured any of it, which had poisoned his mind to hunt for power. Your friends had informed you that he had murdered his siblings, well some of them anyway, and had attempted to do so to more of them. And now you knew, with supporting evidence, never to trust Malakai Parker.

Without Damon and Bonnie you had to resort to fending for yourself, which was not at all difficult since this version of Mystic Falls that you were trapped in was quite literally a ghost town. The forever enveloping silence was torture, though the method of ignorance had not been designed for you; it was all for Kai, and that unsettled you. There was one more thing that you had been dreading - the possibility that you could not escape from the remote isolation without the aid of the guest starring siphon himself. This hell was built to contain him for eternity, but now there was magic that he could use to his own advantage nearby.

Your cheek rested upon the side of your hand, mushing the flesh whilst your elbow was poised upon the countertop of the kitchen island in the Salvatore house. All of your concentration validated your deep thoughts, of which you were broken from as a plate was placed directly in front of you, a pancake decorated with chocolate chips and syrup to form a smiley face. Damon was the culprit as he threw a tea towel over his shoulder, expectedly looking at you.

"I'm not hungry." You informed the vampire, who simply frowned at your lack of an appetite. "I ate yesterday, which was technically today." Beneath the table, you crossed your ankles, as you earnt a sigh from your well aged friend; he clearly was not impressed by your behaviour. But you didn't know what he had expected from you, you had been trapped here for longer than you could remember, and alone until you had discovered the man that had been outcast by his own family. At the time you had not known of his murderous tendencies, and had wanted nothing more than to get away from him, and you wouldn't like to admit it but you even missed him a little.

He was annoying and cocky, and withheld crucial information from you, though there was something that contradicted that all. Whenever any one of your friends had suffered the fate of death, they were always attempted to be brought back to life against the natural order of things. It made you wonder and doubt a little if they had even tried to resurrect you. In this separated reality, there was no jurisdiction so that you could know, though each time that either Damon or Bonnie looked at you, you could swear that there was guilt written in their gazes.

"Look I knew being stuck here with Kai must have fucked you up-" he should have bit his lip, his assumptions were anything but correct. And that was proven as you defensively darted out of your seat and jabbed your finger in his face, making him pivot his jaw back. There were many things that were 'fucked up', and supposing that you were one of them because you had died after sacrificing yourself to ensure that they all continued to live just didn't settle right with you. The context of the morbid situation did not help with condoning any reassurance at all, in fact, it gave a spine to your lack of faith in him and the others in the first place. Out of everyone, it was inherently worse to be here with Damon, all he had cared about was his precious Elena as well as himself, and after existing for well over a century, that was insurance that he was never going to change.

"It wasn't him who did that to me, it was roaming this damned place by myself, I had no one. And as crazy as it sounds, I think spending time with the notorious Malakai Parker helped me keep what was to spare of my sanity. If I'm not wrong, I may even say that I've found more being here than dealing with the bullshit y'all cause back home." Perhaps your words were a tad harsh, if Bonnie were in the room you were sure that she'd have a somewhat understanding of what you were saying. Though she was not, and thus you had to deal with the harshness of her best friend all by your lonesome. And it seemed that you had rattled him, apparently he couldn't handle the truth.

"Then why don't you run back to the sociopath? When we discovered that you were here, we found the pair of you attached to the hip anyways. And with him inside of you, I'd never seen you so darn happy, better here with him than tempting me to drink bleach from the way that you constantly complained when you were alive; I swear you were worse than Donovan." It was on your mind's own command for you to take a step back, and away from the toxin that Damon had so cruelly spat at you. Ans the way that he compared you to Matt made you angry; it was though he were ignoring that there were valid reasons for the blond to be the way that he was - after all, the monster before you had practically killed his sister. A laugh renegaded out from your mouth as you realised that you had been right all along, none of them cared. You were just a burden that stopped them from having a perfect life together. If this were a book, then this would be the beginning to your villain arc, and ironically enough Damon saw himself as one of the good guys. Now that was utterly ridiculous after every reckless thing that he had ever done!

"Have it your way then bloodsucker." All along, you should have trusted your guy, and from now on you knew that you would listen to it. And strangely enough, it was calling you to Kai, maybe it was because he was your last resort to escaping this imprisonment that had been meant for him alone. Turning on your heel, you heard Damon flop the towel down on the side and sigh, though you continued to walk, appeasing your better judgement elsewhere. "Wait." He tried to convince you to stay, belatedly understanding the mistake that he had made, but it was no use, you were already on your journey of getting as far away as possible from him.

The Mystic Grill, it remained to be familiar in your eyes as you entered. It was empty and void of drunken assholes and narcissists that you had wasted too much time on. The only person that you missed in the modern alternative was Matt Donovan, he was the only person that didn't treat you as though you were invisible or a nuisance. You wondered how he was coping with your absence, knowing him, he was probably relieved that Damon was gone. But you weren't, because he was here with you instead. Trailing your fingertips over the counter of the bar, out of the corner of your eye you saw a lonely glass of bourbon that was sat there as though it were lamenting you with mockery. You tried to hold your sentimental sob inside, but it was practically impossible. It tore through your body, bellowing out from your mouth as you stifled and fought through your tears.

A hand caressed the landscape of your back causing you to jump and flinch from the unexpected contact. One thing that you had learnt from evading and eventually experiencing the qualms of death, was that you could never be too careful. For no more than a second you had predicted that the intruder to your pity party was Damon, that he had followed you as you tried to distance yourself from him, but alas it was not, instead of being greeted by a fretless vampire, you were condemned by the sight of a powerless witch, of whom had purposely interjected your moment of cracked emotion and wore a brave smile for you. Wiping your eyes with the back of your sleeves, you couldn't help but snap at him. "If you're here to finish what we started then tough luck Parker, you've been here long enough and you have two hands, figure something else out."

His tongue darted out to swipe at his own bottom lip, as he raised his hand, showcasing his offering to you. "I was only going to see if you wanted a pork rind, you look like you could use one." Sighing, you dug your hand into the pungent packet that was littered with dust and crumbs, retrieving a few treats for yourself as you placed them in your mouth. "And now should be when the poison kicks in..." With your hand, you gave him a little shove as you tolled your eyes at his homicidal comedy. "Come on, that was funny! I'm funny!"

"If you say so, there's not very many people around to give you an honest opinion." It was true, the only other human like lifeforms impartially close by were Damon and Bonnie, and well, you weren't going to scurry back to them anytime soon. "And if you had poisoned me, then you would know that I would be fine and dandy in not so long, It wouldn't make a difference if that wasn't the case either, I mean I'm already dead, what could be worse than that?" Kai looked at you with shock; he didn't know that about you, that you had actually suffered a final breath. Now he thought about it, the grand scheme of things he didn't know much about you in general, though he was prepared to learn. He had often found death to be fulfilling, satisfying even, but he'd never thought about its victims being so beautiful. Yet here you were before him, by chance the one force that could motivate and help him find a way out of this jarring hole of reaping misery.

"You're here, that's all that matters." As soon as those words fled from his lips he realised exactly what he had said, and a blush framed his features. "I um - that wasn't what I - you know, yeah..." He scratched the back of his neck as you shook your head at this new side that you were seeing of Malakai. His parents called him Malakai, of course he was going to become a killer, but right now you saw nothing more than an embarrassed boy whose skin had flushed as an affect of his own words. From your experience, everyone was either the killer or the killed - you two were one of each. Like ying and yang, you fit perfectly, it was a balanced divide that was settled on whichever rhythm played out in the air. And to correspond with that thought you walked over to the jukebox, a song beginning to play which made Kai want to cover his ears. "I hate this song." He told you; he really did, if he could murder it, he would without a doubt.

"Then don't listen, just dance with me." You extended your hands out to him, to which he begrudgingly reached for. And as he snapped his eyes open, he realised that was all a memory, and that goddamn song was still playing. All he could think about was you, he had seen how upset you had been to die, and yet you were gone again, and it was all down to your so called friends. One was standing before him as he sat in chains, imprisoned against a chair. "Are you here to punish me?" He asked Bonnie, wanting nothing more than shut his eyes and see your face again.

[americasass91]

His Kind of Beautiful

Hello lovely people! I don’t even know where to begin here. My ex popped up as a friend I may know on Facebook the other day. Of course it brought up all these memories. (I’ve been with my husband for over a decade so this ex was from way back when.) Anyways, I couldn’t help but think back to when and why we broke up. We worked together (that was a mistake) and I was chatting with one of our coworkers. The guy looked at me and was like ‘I don’t want to get in the middle of anything but your boyfriend said something about you the other day and it bothered me.’ I told him to tell me what he said. ‘He said you weren’t pretty enough to blow him.’ (Fun fact! I had already blown him a few times by this point.) So of course I thought my life was ruined. I mean I was only 17/18. I called him right away and asked him if it was true. The fucker didn’t even deny it! He was like I was just joking around. So I told him since I wasn’t pretty enough to blow him, I wasn’t pretty enough to date him either. That’s the last time I spoke to him.

Anyways! That’s what inspired this little fic. I know we all go through days where we don’t feel pretty or beautiful. But you know what? We are all beautiful no matter what! Please if you ever feel less than that and need to talk, I am here and willing to listen! Nobody should go through life feeling anything less than beautiful.

So I knew I needed to somehow incorporate this into a fic. At first I was going to go with Steve but I took a look at my Masterlist and realized I only had one Andy fic on there. That’s just despicable! So without any further ado, please enjoy this fic with our lovely, handsome floofy haired lawyer daddy!

Rating: Explicit (Like I could write something that doesn’t involve sex with Andrew)

Words: 5.3k

Warnings: Language, fingering, unprotected sex(Remember: Sex is cleaner with a packaged weiner), and just Andy being fluffy

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You honestly didn’t even know why you had agreed to this. You hated first dates in general, let alone a blind date.

But your friend, Jane, assured you this guy was handsome and nice and worth your time to go out with.

So, you pulled a blue dress from your closet that you’d only worn maybe twice in your life and actually did your eye makeup.

After getting fully ready you take one last look at yourself in the mirror. For once you didn’t hate the woman staring back at you. This dress happened to accentuate your curves and the color of your eyeshadow made your eyes pop. You wouldn’t necessarily say you were pretty, but you looked decent.

You slip on your heels and grab your purse and head out of your apartment. As you go to lock your door, the apartment door behind you opens.

“Good evening, neighbor.”

You turn around with a smile on your face and return the greeting to your sinfully handsome neighbor, Andy.

He can’t help but notice how pretty you look. “Where are you going all dressed up?”

You blush and start heading towards the elevator together. “Oh, my friend set me up on a blind date. I’m nervous. Haven’t been on a date in awhile.”

He presses the button for the lobby. “Blind date, huh? Yeah I went on one of those recently. First date since the divorce. It was...interesting.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as you both headed into the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby. You turn towards him. “Interesting, how?”

“Well, for starters, she was almost an hour late. Then when she showed up, she didn’t even apologize for being late. She just sat down and demanded the waiter bring her a cocktail. By snapping her fingers at him.”

The elevator doors open. You head into the lobby and notice Andy following you. “So I think it’s safe to say you aren’t calling her for a second date?” He opens the door to the outside for you. You smile in thanks and head out into the warm evening air of Boston.

He rolls his eyes as he follows you onto the street and hails down a cab. “Absolutely not.” He gestures for you to take the cab.

You look at him confused. “Don’t you need one?”

He waves you off. “Nah, I’m heading to pick up Jake to take him to dinner. He finally found some time to fit his old man into his ‘busy’ teenager schedule.” He heads towards his Audi you now realize is parked in front of the building right behind your cab.

You scoff at him as you open the cab door. “Old man? Oh, please. You can’t be more than what? 38?”

He opens the door to his own vehicle and smirks at you. “Try 43, sweetheart. Hey! Good luck on your date!” He waves and gets into his car. You return the wave and get into the cab and give the driver the address to the restaurant and try to get your mind off of how good Andy’s ass looked in the jeans he was wearing.

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You arrived at the restaurant with a few minutes to spare. You wanted to get there a little early so you could get a drink from the bar and calm your nerves.

You find a seat away from the other patrons and order a glass of wine. You scan your eyes over the room to see if your date has arrived yet. You weren’t entirely sure what he looked like but you knew he was going to be wearing a red shirt.

The bartender sets your wine in front of you. You hand over a 10 dollar bill and tell him to keep the change. As you sip your wine, you check your phone for the time. 7:02. You’re about ready to text your friend to ask if your date is normally late when you feel a tap on your shoulder.

You turn around and look up at who you assume to be your date for the evening. He was handsome. Not as handsome as Andy, but handsome enough.

He gives you a small smile. “Hi, are you Y/N?”

You nod your head with a smile. “Yes, hi! It’s nice to meet you. You must be Jason?” You then gesture to the seat next to you. “Would you like to have a drink before we get a table?”

He nods once and takes a seat next to you and flags down the bartender to order a scotch.

The bartender sets the drink in front of him. Jason thanks him and pays for his drink.

You can feel the awkwardness start to creep in. And when that happens, you tend to get chatty.

“So, what do you do for a living?” You smile hoping to ease the tension building.

He turns to look you up and down. And not subtly. He shakes his head in disapproval and downs his drink before standing up. “Listen, I’m sorry but I can’t do this. Jane lied to me.”

You can’t help the confused look that crosses your face. “She lied to you? How?”

He gives you another not so subtle once over. “She told me you were beautiful. And no offense, but I just don’t see it.”

You can’t help the jaw drop. Sure you knew you weren’t gorgeous but damn. You’d never had a man be bold enough to actually say it to your face. “So, you’re just gonna leave? Not even give me a chance because I’m not your version of beautiful?”

He scoffs and checks out a girl that walks by the two of you. “What can I say? I’ve got standards that you just don’t meet.”

You feel like you’ve just been punched in the gut. That’s it. You’re fucking done. You reach behind you and grab your wine glass and throw the drink in his face.

You grab your purse and head towards the door. You turn back to face him. “I may not meet your ‘beauty standards’ but at least I’m not an asshole!” With that you flip him off and head outside to hail a cab to head back home.

You manage to make it almost all the way home before the tears start to fall. Sure he was a stranger and his opinion didn’t matter. But it still fucking hurt that he didn’t want you and didn’t even think you were pretty enough to share a meal with. Your self esteem already sucked and this asshole sure as hell didn’t make it any better.

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The blue dress goes in the trash as soon as you step into your apartment. You take off your nice lace bra you had put on. You take your makeup off with a wipe and pull your hair up in a ponytail. You throw on some hello kitty pajama shorts and a t- shirt that’s at least 2 sizes too big for you.

Then you head into your kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine from a bottle you keep in the fridge for emergencies. You think this classifies as one.

You grab your phone off the counter and call your favorite Chinese place. You order double what you normally do because nobody wants to sleep with you. Might as well eat whatever the fuck you wanted. God, you can’t believe you shaved your legs for that asshole.

The lady on the phone lets you know it’ll be at least an hour. You give her your card number and thank her before refilling your now empty glass.

As you’re sitting on the couch waiting for your food, you can’t help but replay the events of the evening. Then that takes you into a downward spiral as you think back to all of your exes.

Come to think of it, they’ve all left you for one reason or another. A majority of them cheated with someone way prettier than you. Wow, maybe you were the problem. Clearly you were going for guys out of your league.

Maybe you needed to reevaluate the standards you had. Which quite frankly, wasn’t much. You just wanted them to not be a serial killer.

Perhaps you should just give up on dating. You were perfectly happy alone. Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be for you.

Before your thoughts could spiral anymore, your doorbell rang. You glance at your phone. Damn that hour flew by.

You grab $10 out of your purse for a tip and open your door. As you’re grabbing the bags and thanking the delivery guy, Andy steps out of the elevator with confusion written all over his face. “Hey, Y/N. Thought you had a date?”

You could almost feel the tears trying to well up again. No, you weren’t going to cry. Especially in front of your handsome neighbor.

“Yeah, it uh, didn’t work out. Shit happens.”

He puts his key in the lock and opens his door then turns to look at you. “Not your type?”

You can’t help the rush of air that leaves your mouth. “Not exactly. I wasn’t his. Apparently Jane, our mutual friend, told him I was beautiful and well. He didn’t agree with her.”

Andy furrows his brows and cocks his head to the side. “What? Was he blind or something?”

You shake your head. “Nope. I just wasn’t up to his standards.”

Andy mumbles something under his breath. “Well, I’m sorry. Some guys can be real assholes.”

You wave him off. “No need to apologize. I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.”

Andy shakes his head. “Still, I’m sorry. That really sucks. And he really said you weren’t beautiful to your face?”

You give him a sad smile and shrug your shoulders. “It’s okay, really. I’m used to not being wanted. Have a nice night, Andy.”

You turn and head back into your apartment before he has a chance to reply. You don’t need his pity. You just need to drown yourself in the rest of your wine and gorge yourself on the greasy Chinese.

Just as you set the food down on the counter, you hear a knock at your door.

Confused, you head over and open it to find Andy standing there. And he looks kinda pissed.

“What do you mean you’re used to not being wanted?”

You sigh and put your hands on your hips. “It’s not the first time some guy hasn’t wanted me and it won’t be the last.”

Andy shakes his head as he pushes his way inside and shuts the door with his foot. “There’s just something I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “And what’s that?”

He then proceeds to walk closer to you, forcing you backwards until your back touches the wall. He puts his hands on either side of your head and gazes down at you. You’ve never been this close to him before. You can feel his chest move against yours as he breathes. You can feel the heat radiating off of him.God, he smells good.  You realize you’re not breathing and take a deep breath. He smiles down at you and takes his left hand to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear that had fallen free from your ponytail.

“That some moron would think that you’re not beautiful. He’s fuckin crazy, Y/N.”

Your breath hitches as his left hand has now grabbed the back of your neck to raise your lips towards his. You close your eyes, waiting for the inevitable kiss. “I guess I’m just not everyone’s kind of beautiful.”

He leans in, just barely brushing his lips against yours. “You’re my kind of beautiful.”

WIth that, he presses his lips to yours for a slow but intense kiss. You can’t help the moan that escapes your mouth. You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him all the way up against you. He grunts when his hardening cock comes into contact with your soft belly.

After a few minutes of intense kisses that take your breath away, he pulls back and presses his forehead against yours. “Will you let me show you how beautiful I think you are?”

You don’t even need to think about it. “Yes, please.”

He smiles and leans in for one more quick kiss. “Take me to the bedroom, pretty girl.”

You quickly grab his hand and lead him down the hall towards your bedroom, making a quick stop in the kitchen to throw the Chinese food in the fridge.

Once in your room Andy spins you around and presses your back up against his front. He leans forward and starts placing soft kisses against your neck. His left hand rests at your waist while his right hand moves up under your shirt towards your breasts. “Is this okay, pretty girl?” His voice is so low and husky. Your panties didn’t even stand a chance.

You nod. “Yes, please. Touch me, Andy.”

He groans a little and reaches up to cup your right breast in his hand. You hear him let out a growl as he continues to fondle your breast. While his left hand makes its way into your shorts, brushing his finger over your clit. You jolt forward at the sensation, whimpering out in the process.

“You like that, pretty girl? Like my fingers on your little cunt?”

You grab a hold of his wrist and writhe against him as he lowers his fingers towards your entrance. He gathers your slick up before moving his fingers back towards your clit and starts slowly circling it.

“Fuck, Andy. Feels so good.”

“Yeah? You want my fingers inside you, baby?”

You quickly nod. “Please. Need to feel you.”

He lowers his hand back down to your entrance and slowly slides his middle finger against your walls. You arch your back and moan out his name as he starts pumping it slowly.

“Fuck, Y/N. You’re so tight. When’s the last time you’ve been touched, pretty girl?”

“Too long. Feels so good. I need more. Please.”

His index finger quickly joins the middle one. He starts pumping them in and out of you quicker, curling them just right so they rub up against your g spot. “Oh, fuck!” You can’t help but yell out at the feeling. It’s been so long since someone’s taken the time to pleasure you, let alone find your g spot. You could feel the coil tightening already. You were embarrassingly close and he hadn’t even really started yet.

“You gonna cum for me already, pretty girl? Do it. Make a mess on my fingers.”

He moves his thumb and starts circling your clit. Your legs start shaking. He presses his thumb down just a little harder and you’re gone. You cum with a shout of Andy’s name into the otherwise empty room.

He continues pumping his fingers in and out but removes his thumb from your clit, not wanting to overstimulate you too much. “Good girl. So fuckin’ pretty when you cum.”

You lower your head in embarrassment. He spins you around and places his finger under your chin so he can raise your head so you’re looking at him. “Don’t hide from me, pretty girl. I want to see everything.” He takes his left hand and raises it to his mouth, sucking your essence off of his fingers. He moans into his hand. “You taste so fucking sweet. Knew you would.”

He grabs your face to pull you in for a sweet kiss as he slowly pushes you towards the bed. The back of your knees touch your mattress before he pulls away. He smiles down at you as he grabs the hem of your shirt and pulls it up and off, tossing it somewhere in the room. His gaze then falls to your breasts. He licks his lips hungrily. Before he can get too caught up, he hooks his thumbs into your shorts and pulls them and your panties down and off your legs, helping you step out of them.

He stands back up and pulls you in for another kiss, your hands fall to his chest. You start to unbutton his shirt, revealing his chest to you a little at a time. You pull away to get the last few buttons and push his shirt over his shoulders and are surprised to see his chest and abdomen sprinkled with various tattoos. You never would’ve guessed. You can’t help but let your hand trace over a quote on his collarbone or onto the eagle covering his pec.

“I never would have pegged you for a tattoo guy. These are amazing.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I only have them where they can be covered up by clothes.” He grabs your wrists to stop your tracing. “You can trace all of them some other time, pretty girl. Right now, I need to be inside of you.”

You can’t help the shiver that runs down your spine at his words. His dirty talk was going to be the death of you.

He moves his hands towards his belt buckle and starts undoing it. You couldn’t help but notice the slight tremble to his hands. You place your hands on top of his and look at his face. “Hey, if you don’t want to do this, that’s ok.”

He looks into your eyes and gives you a shy smile. “No, I want to. God, do I want to. It’s just, I haven’t been with anyone since Laurie and I guess I’m a little nervous.”

You couldn’t help the pull you felt at your heart at his words. He was nervous. Thank god. So were you. This beautiful man wanted to sleep with you, of course you were nervous. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m nervous too. You’re kind of intimidating.”

He cocks his head to the side and furrows his brows. “Intimidating? Why is that?”

You remove your hands from his and gesture up and down his body. “Just look at you. You’re breathtaking, Andy. And I’m just me.” Your gaze falls down to your feet, unable to look at him.

He puts his finger under your chin and raises your head so that you’re forced to look at him. “Speak for yourself, pretty girl. You’re the breathtaking one.”

You scoff and roll your eyes. “Yeah, right.”

His gaze on you hardens just a little. He grabs your hand and places it over his pants against his erection. “Do you feel that? Feel what you do to me? Nobody but you can make me this hard, pretty girl. I’ve been in a constant state of arousal since I moved in, watching you coming in and out of your apartment in your tight skirts and almost see-through blouses. Making me go fuckin’ crazy.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything or make a move then?” Of course your self doubt was starting to creep in. Maybe this was him just wanting to get his dick wet. You needed to know.

He grabs your hands and brings your knuckles to his mouth, giving them a soft kiss. “Honestly? I thought there was no way in hell an old man like me would have a shot with a sweet thing like you.”

You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped your mouth. “Please. You’re only 43.”

He pulls you in for a sweet, lingering kiss. “Yeah, well. Probably too old for you. But after what you said to me, about how you’re used to not being wanted? I stopped caring how old I was. I needed to show you just exactly how much you’re wanted. So, can I still show you, pretty girl?”

You quickly nod your head and help him finish removing his pants, leaving him in just his black briefs. The fabric doing nothing to hide the outline of his hard cock. Jesus. He looked big. Bigger than anything you’ve taken. You couldn’t wait.

You quickly pulled his briefs over his hips and down his legs. His cock sprang free and smacked against his inked abdomen, making him hiss. You grab him at the base and slowly start pumping him, looking at his face for his reaction. His head is thrown back and his eyes are closed as he moans out your name at the feeling. His hands are gripping your hips.

You smear his precum that’s gathered at the tip and use that to help jerk him off a little faster. You tighten your grip as you pick up your pace, loving the sounds you're pulling from him. You start to go on your knees when he suddenly pulls you back up. You look at him in confusion. “If I let you continue, this will be over before it even starts. Gonna make me blow my load like an inexperienced teenager.”

You couldn’t help but feel proud of yourself but once again furrow your brows as Andy walks to the other side of the bed. He starts looking around in your nightstand. “Do you have any condoms?”

You shake your head. “I did but they expired. If you’re okay with it, I’m on birth control. And I got tested after my last partner and I’m clean.”

He pushes the drawer to the nightstand back in and climbs onto the bed and lays on his back, hand lazily stroking his cock. “I’m more than okay with that. I just had a full work up done. I’m healthy as well.”

You barely acknowledge what he said, unable to remove your eyes from his hand that’s wrapped around his cock. You pull your bottom lip in between your teeth and let out a little whimper. Andy chuckles at you. “Well, are you going to just stare at it, pretty girl? Or are you going to hop on my lap and get comfy?”

That gets your attention. You meet his gaze. “You want me on top?”

He nods. “Wanna be able to see all of you, baby girl.” He removes his hand from his cock and pats his thigh. “Come on, pretty girl. Ride me.”

Well that sight just caused a new wave of arousal to pool at your core. You had only been on top once before and it was only for a short time.

You place your knees gently on the bed and crawl the short way to him. You swing your left leg over him so that you're sitting right above where he wants you. You thread your hands through his hair and lean down for a heated kiss. You lick his bottom lip, wanting in. He doesn’t even hesitate to open his mouth to let you in.

He places his left hand on your hip while the other grabs his cock. He pushes your body down so that you’re hovering over it. “Please. Fuck me, pretty girl.”

You keep your lips attached to his as you slowly sink down on him. You get about halfway before you stop and pull away to look at him, trying to slow down your breathing. He brings his right hand up to cup your cheek. “You ok? Do you wanna stop?” The quick shake of your head makes him chuckle. “No, god no. I just need a minute. You’re fucking huge Andy.”

He can’t help the cocky smirk that appears. “Yeah, I know. Just take all the time you need.” He rubs his hand up and down your back to help calm you down. It only takes you a few more seconds before you continue to impale yourself on his impressive dick.

You let out a breath of relief when your hips settle flush against his. He grabs the back of your head and pulls you in for another kiss. You slowly start rocking your hips against him. He feels fucking incredible. Hitting all the right spots inside of you.

You pull away from the kiss and raise up a little and plant your hands on your headboard for some leverage. The rock of your hips speed up significantly. You move all the way up until his tip is barely inside before you slam yourself back down against him. You’re pulling the most beautiful sounds from his lips. It makes you move that much faster and harder against him.

Andy moves his hands to your breasts and gives them a good squeeze. Then he starts pinching your nipples, eliciting a moan from you. “That’s it, baby girl. Doing so good. You look so gorgeous fuckin’ yourself on my cock. Goddamn. Riding me so well.”

The praise he’s giving you just spurs you on. You raise up even more and place your hands on his chest and pick up your pace just a little more. You can feel the coil tightening in your belly. You’re going to cum and hard.

Andy keeps his left hand on your breast and keeps pinching your nipple. He moves his right hand down until his thumb is pressing against your clit, giving you the friction you needed. “Can feel you squeezing me, pretty girl. Cum for me. Make a mess.”

He presses his thumb just a little harder and that’s all it takes. You free fall over the edge of bliss with a scream of Andy’s name, your hips faltering from their rhythm.

You slow down your pace as you come down from your high, collapsing against Andy’s chest. He cradles you in his arms and rubs his hands up and down your back. “Still with me, sweet girl?”

You weakly nod your head and take just a second to catch your breath. It takes you a moment to realize he didn’t finish. You raise your head off his chest to look at him. “Why didn’t you cum?”

He smiles and pulls you in for a sweet kiss. “Oh, I will. Don’t worry. Just wanted to watch you fall apart on top of me. And let me just say, it’s one of the prettiest sights I’ve ever seen. You look gorgeous when you cum, Y/N. Almost made me lose it. Think you can take some more?”

You nod your head eagerly, already wanting to cum around his cock again. “Then why don’t you be a good girl and turn around and get on your hands and knees for me?”

He doesn’t have to tell you twice. You quickly pull off of him and turn around to get on your hands and knees. He takes a second to admire the view of your once again dripping pussy before he gets up on his knees behind you. He grabs a hold of your ass and gives it a hard squeeze. “Such a nice ass. I bet it’ll jiggle real nice while I’m fuckin’ you.”

He grabs a hold of the base of his cock and moves it towards your entrance. Before he starts pushing in, he gives your right cheek a hard smack. You drop down onto your elbows and moan into the sheets below you. Fuck. You didn’t know you liked that. He places his right hand on your hip and squeezes.

“Hmm. We’ll have to revisit that later.” And that’s the last thing he says before he slams home. You arch your back and fist the sheets as he sets a hard and fast pace.

And boy was he right. Your ass does jiggle nicely with every snap of his hips against it. He threads his left hand through your hair and gives it a tug. It makes you clench around him. “Fuck, baby girl. Keep squeezing me like that and I’m not going to last long.”

You move your head to the side and peer back at him. You clench around him again and it earns you another groan and smack to your ass. “Want you to cum for me, Andy. Please. Fill me up.”

He stills for just a second and wraps his left arm around your chest and lifts you up until your back is flush against his chest. This time he keeps his thrusts nice and slow. He places a kiss to the side of your neck. “Yeah? Want me to fill that pussy up, huh? To claim you as mine?”

You let a whimper escape your lips and you grip onto his arm that’s holding you against him as he starts picking up the pace of his thrusts. You clench around him again. “I am yours, Andy.”

He quickly moves his right hand down and starts circling your clit. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re gonna make me cum. Cum with me, please.”

You start pushing back and meeting his thrusts, desperate to get him to his release.

It only takes a few more snaps of his hips and circles against your clit before you're both falling over the edge while moaning out the other's name.

He continues pumping his hips until he’s completely spent and gently moves to lay the both of you onto your sides, basking in the afterglow of your orgasms.

He slowly pulls out of you and turns you around so that you’re facing him. He tucks your now loose hair behind your ear. “Hi, there.”

You chuckle and move up against him and press your face into the crook of his neck. “Hello.” You place a gentle kiss to his pulse point and relax as he wraps his arms around you.

There’s only a few minutes of peaceful silence when:

“So, was that good for you?”

You pull away and look up at him with an incredulous look on your face and smack his shoulder. You both start laughing.

“Of course it was good for me. Did you enjoy yourself, Andrew?”

He pulls you in for another sweet kiss. “Oh, yeah. But you know. Just to be sure. We might need to do it again.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you. It only makes you laugh once more.

“You are such a dork. How about we get a shower and then heat up the food you so rudely interrupted me from eating before?”

His jaw drops in mock hurt. “You weren’t complaining when I was making you come around my cock, pretty girl.”

You sit up and stretch your arms over your head. You swing your legs over the side and stand up, wobbling just a little. You hear a chuckle behind you and playfully send a glare his way as you make your way to the bathroom.

You turn on the light and can’t help but look at your reflection in the mirror.

Your hair is a hot mess, having fallen out of it’s ponytail. Your lips were swollen and red from all the kissing. Your nipples looked slightly red from all pinching they had been subjected to. Your skin flushed from the orgasms. And there was what looked like a bruise forming on your hip in the shape of his hand.

And yet. You’ve never felt more beautiful.

You see Andy walking up behind you in the mirror. He smiles at you.

You turn around and return it before throwing your arms around his neck and raising yourself up on your toes to pull him in for a kiss. He gladly wraps his arms around you and reciprocates.

You pull away with a smile still attached to your face. “Not that I mind, pretty girl. But, what was that for?”

You shrug. “Just thank you. For making me feel beautiful.”

He smiles down at you and pulls you in for another quick kiss. You can feel him hardening once again against your hip. “Why don’t we skip the shower for now? I’m not quite finished with you yet.”

And with that he pulls you back into the bedroom where he spends the rest of the night showing you that you’re his kind of beautiful.

Permanent Taglist: @stargazingfangirl18​ @drabblewithfrannybarnes​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @IIIoIs 

[pen-and-a-microphone]

Six The Musical Dance Masterpost!

This will be updated (in the reblogs) whenever I find new resources

An important update that will also be in the reblogs! The actors are not allowed to teach AYWD or IDNYL. No matter which workshops you book, the official line is that these are not allowed to be taught. 

In some cases, people teach different choreo to those songs, and that’s allowed. Due to this, I can’t be finding a way to notate that choreography and then post it. I’m pretty sure that’d get me in trouble, so I’m not gonna push it. I will keep providing tips for learning them, but I won’t go against the official instructions that the actors have been given.

Note I forgot to add but that applies to everything - squats. Do them frequently. There's a lot of squatting in the show, and boy you need good thigh muscles.

Ex-wives

The first and second verses are basically made entirely of posing. If you know the beats (which are very obvious and accented), the moves are easy. Each queen does something different on these beats, so you might want to pick one, or make up something of your own. These poses are the same in many live performances.

For the chorus(es), the moves are generally simple hip movements/steps. Easily followed from any bootleg copy you may have access to. The dance breaks/instrumentals are harder, and I have not yet found a proper tutorial for them.

Chorus and dance break performance, which could be followed. However it does end part way through, so I’d recommend just using this for the chorus/break section  - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFpqZjy54Ns

Visible choreography for the backing parts of the introductions verse (where the queens introduce themselves in a line/two lines) Deliberately pans out so that the chorus choreography is not visible, and the final chorus is from Six, not Ex-wives (this is a common thing in live performances of this) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJbaU4j0JCo

The final chorus mirrors the first, but so far I have not found a tutorial or live performance of this.

General advice - Learn the post-chorus dance break from the best source you have, since it’s the hardest part (if possible, and when I find one, I will put a tutorial for this section). The rest is very simple to follow from any performance, but make sure you’re watching the correct steps. Ex-wives is often performed live as a mashup with Six, so the choreo is different - there are quite a few live performances that I haven’t included links to, and this is for a reason.

No Way 

The intro is made solely of one movement repeated on a (helpfully emphasised) beat. Easy to see and follow from your bootleg.

There is not currently a tutorial or live that shows all of No Way (to my knowledge). It does have some full choreo (rather than just hip movements or basic steps) during the verses, that might be hard to follow from a bootleg

No Way dance class (NOTE: these moves are not in the correct order as far as I know, however this is a useful intro for how to do the steps. I used this to learn the movements, then used videos of live performances to put them together in the right order) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lzMd3oDAY0&t=4s

No Way second chorus and dance break, full tutorial - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehdKQoZN_cU&t=2908s

General advice - The dance break is really fast, and really difficult, but it’s not impossible if you take time to learn it - you can always put your YouTube at 0.75x speed (or even 0.5x, which I did while learning). Again, don’t follow the wrong choreo and get confused. Vicki’s tutorial is helpful for showing points you can “hit” if the full thing is too fast or difficult. It’s very Beyonce and pretty sassy, so have confidence. Lots of hip movement, and salsa moves.

Don’t Lose Ur Head

Intro is simple to follow from any bootleg.

Lots of acting in this one. Boleyn interacts with the backing singers in a very different way to Aragon. Luckily, this means less complicated choreography in the verses, because a lot of the movement is either “shock”, “running to another point on the stage” or “leaning in to hear the tea”. Basically choose your own facial expressions and movements, and later poses.

Perfect live performance. Easy to follow for the verses, especially the second (which I haven’t found in this clarity anywhere else, lots of performances cut away) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hY77XqKoNr4

DLUH choruses 1 and 2, tutorial - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uEhNp-nVDU

Dramatic wedding moment? Again just acting with some blocking

The third verse has hardly any choreo, which can be seen in the west end live performance. The build up to the final chorus (ie the back and forths of “what was I/she meant to do”) is just improv jamming, so make it up as you go along.

The final chorus looks very “improvised having fun”, but there is still choreography. It is much looser than the other choruses, which means you can have more fun with it than the very precise movements of the earlier choruses.

General advice - The first few bars of the choruses uses a really difficult step, one which looks easy. Spend ages on this, until it’s second nature, or you’ll struggle to do the choreography for the rest of the chorus. This song is very acting heavy, and aside from the first and second choruses, the choreo isn’t super precise. The neck movements are sharp, and there is a risk of giving yourself whiplash if you jump right in - remember to stretch your neck too, it has muscles and you can pull them (I’ve been there, trust me).

Heart of Stone

Time for a break! Heart of Stone does not, as far as I know, have any choreography. Probably good to give the queens a break from all that high intensity.

Haus of Holbein

There aren’t any live videos or tutorials (yet/as far as I know)

Fairly basic steps in the verses, which could be followed from a bootleg. Lots of box stepping and posing.

Choruses are just improv, they do whatever they want, provided they’re acting like they’re in a rave. I have no idea if these were ever properly choreographed, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the script just said “go insane”. There are some parts where they pause, but this can be followed from your bootleg.

The intro and outro are just walking diagonally, staggered one by one.

General advice - Have fun. Have all the fun. Go completely mad with your improv. The more dramatic you go, the better it fits with the song. Unlike DLUH, the chaos is not the choreographed kind.

Get Down

First verse is lots of tiny movements, which are easy to learn from live videos. Clicks, head movements, etc - precise, but simple.

A useful section for learning the first verse/chorus - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik6zKj08A28

Performance with full choreo - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UlRCPLu9FM

Another performance with full choreo - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io-cQWqAfX4

The end of this class has part of the chorus of Get Down, which is helpful for both learning the moves, and learning the general style of dance - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlWQBREK5Fw&t=10s

General advice - Full sass. Take your Beyonce sass levels from No Way and times them by 10. This is, in my opinion, the hardest dance in the show, so I struggle to give good advice about it. It’s hard, but there are plenty of videos showing the full thing - I’ve managed to learn it by slowing these videos down (0.75x speed on YouTube). There’s lots of isolation of specific body parts. However, cover all your mistakes with more sass - my personal trick is just acting like I’m doing it perfectly, because the sheer self confidence of this number is enough to carry you through.

All You Wanna Do

Full disclosure: I do not yet know this one. However, I have a dance class on Saturday with Aimie Atkinson, which should help me learn it. The following is therefore much more vague, and will be updated once I know more.

From what I’ve seen, the steps in this are quite repetitive. I think the choruses use the same choreo, or at least very similar. Very high energy, but much like the rest of the show, movements are on the beats (accented, clear beats, thank you ladies in waiting).

I Don’t Need Your Love

Again, I do not know this one well, but I will be updating when I do.

The majority of this of is like Heart of Stone - there’s no choreography, and the queens get a rest.

There’s a section of improv between the sitting down and the choreographed section, which is just the queens jamming.

The actual steps don’t start until “Remember that I was a writer”, and they’re very simple, not too precise, and could be followed from a bootleg.

Obviously in the actual show there is a break before the “remix” section, without dancing. The “remix” section has choreography, but again it is pretty simple.

The final chorus is the only one with full dancing, but there aren’t any versions I could find on YouTube, or any tutorials. However, I could follow it from my bootleg, and I think I’ll be able to learn it from just that.

Six

This quite nicely mirrors the previous numbers. For example, there isn’t any backing dancing for Seymour or Parr’s sections. Aragon’s section uses moves you will have already learnt in No Way. Cleves uses new moves but keeps her sass and the same sort of dance style. Boleyn and Howard do have new moves, which I think is a reflection on character development - the choreo is more fun and happy, similar to the starts of their numbers, but obviously not the endings.

Live performance that shows all the correct choreography - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqc3zJ1nva0

The chorus is super easy, and most of you probably already know it. These women have been doing what basically amounts to a high intensity workout for a solid 75 minutes, so the choreo was never going to be super hard/taxing.

Six main chorus, tutorial - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjf1jrSFwsw&t=2s

The “we’re six” dance break is a little harder, but should be easy to follow from your bootleg.

[darkestwolfx]

Attack of the Reptiles - Re-Review #43

We’re in the centre of South Africa searching for the great horned ape today! Or rather, two humans?

I actually missed these two (probably not as much as Gordon though)! Buddy and Ellie are two of the good regulars that IR have on the books. But seriously, even Buddy asked;

“What could be worse than that?”

There’s always something to come when you say something like that on this show.

And this place doesn’t look at all creepy.

“These are badlands, very dangerous!”

Hmm... I wouldn’t have guessed.

I like this version better! You know before it became over run by giant reptiles. Even so, maybe this is a message we shouldn’t be messing around with nature.

“I’m not even going to think about how long that’s been there.”

How about all the way back when EOS was pinging Bagels everywhere at the end of ‘EOS’? That would be my best guess because I can’t imagine John as messy besides then. Anyhow, I love how he chucks it out of the way to become all IR business like.

“I checked the camera feed. Look what it’s filming now.”

“They’re either really into dirt or the camera’s been dropped. That’s not a good sign.”

“The guide said you’d have to be crazy to go in after them.”

“Oh, I’ll do it! We can’t let Buddy and Ellie disappear! They haven’t finished filming season 14 yet.”

We all know what that waiting for the next series to air is like.

“Yes! More adventure with the Pendergasts!”

That little dance he does gets me every time! It’s so realistically Gordon and the animation is on point.

“I’m such a huge fan!”

“Really? I never would have guessed.”

I love episodes where we get to see a bit of Scott and Gordon interaction. I mean, Virgil and Gordon, and Gordon and Alan both work great as duos, but there is still so much potential in scenes with these two. And there was a slight amendment to the launch sequence. After all, besides Brains, we’ve always seen Scott travelling alone in Thunderbird One.

“Do you have visual on ground?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then we need someone on the ground.”

“You’re clear. Ready to go into the unknown?”

Did anyone else here this line and instantly think Panic at the Disco? Or was that just me?

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No, it’s a parachuting Tracy!

“Now to make a nice, soft landing. Oh no! Not exactly soft but it could have been worse.”

I’m holding off on commenting for a moment because-

“You just had to say something didn’t you?”

-Gordon said it for me for once!

He did stumble across Ellie though.

“Gordon Tracy!”

“I’m here to rescue you! Could you chuck me a rope?”

One of my favourite starts to a rescue. I’m not sure which is best - Scott and Ned, or Gordon and Ellie.

“We do search and rescue all the time. Couldn’t be simpler! Oops, sorry, did see the hole.”

“Uh, Gordon, that’s a footprint.”

“John, are you getting a life sign nearby?”

“Yeah, but judging by the size it has to be a glitch.”

“Nothing’s wrong with your equipment, John.”

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me.”

I reckon that doesn’t normally happen when Gordon says that, but we’ll go with it for now. All that hushed whispering was great as well. A nice difference to the usual shouting and orders that we get over the comms links.

“Gordon, what’s going on down there?”

“I don’t know!”

Loved that moment.

“My pet store nightmare just came true.”

Giant reptiles? I think that’s a nightmare for many people.

Now, in the original TOS episode ‘Attack of the Alligators’, on which many parts of this one are based, the nightmare was Alan’s, but it completely makes sense to put Gordon in his place and it works really well in my opinion.

“I can’t see anything- woah!”

Yeah, really well done, Scott, nearly smash Thunderbird One to smithereens. Look where you’re going! Talk and look, I believe in you.

And now we move onto one of my definite favourite moments. Although, not quite the size of Thunderbird Four, me thinks.

“Do you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“And peppers.. and cucumbers...”

“This is no ordinary jungle. We’re running through a supersized vegetable garden!”

We could feed the world with vegetables that size! Or we could release and single? Opinions?

I’m still not sure what was up with all the ‘Thunderbirds are Go’ title cuts that ran through this episode. It’s like they thought it would be too short without them, because I know they aired the episodes without advert breaks. Interesting. It happens about 4 times though and it’s actually really irritating.

“We’re safe for the moment.”

“But how? Who sealed the door?”

“That would be me love!”

“Buddy! You’re alive!”

I love how they’ve been running around looking for him, and here Buddy was, sitting pretty the entire time. All’s well and that’s all that matters, right? Right. Also, I still love how there is a character with a disability so openly shown on a program like this. It’s an absolutely brilliant choice.

“Orchard Industries.”

“John, can you check on that?”

“Orchard industries claim that they could greatly increase the size of crops. But they were shut down years ago.”

Yep, in TOS, Professor Orchard created said growth serum with carries this plot.

“Does it say why?

“The GDF found out The Hood was a silent partner. And there were reports of secret facilities in hidden locations. According to my files they were experimenting with a new type of growth serum.”

The Hood didn’t have any involvement in the original story, but the serum did catch eyes and there was an attempt to steal it, potentially with intent to sell it on, so The Hood could always have heard about it and been a perspective buyer.

“Well that explains the humongous plants out front.”

“And if the reptiles ate those serum filled plants, that would explain how they got so big! Scott, please get us out of here.”

Call on big brother for a rescue. Classic.

Gordon sneezing! Brilliant. I can imagine this was a little bit of a dream situation for him for a moment though - you know, taking away the giant reptiles and the allergies and the danger, and... well, maybe everything save Buddy and Ellie.

“It’s a hover boat. We have a hover boat!”

“And this canal could take us all the way to the river. If the boat was working that is?”

“I just need a hypo-spanner to fix it.”

“The good news is, I know where you can find one.”

“And the bad news? I had to ask.”

Yes, Gordon, you did.

And so, here we go. The desperate attempt to obtain the hypospanner from within the cluster of giant reptiles which nearly ends early when Buddy let’s the wire slip. And then does nearly end abruptly - after some success - when the clip breaks away.

“I’m not very tasty...”

Says you, Gordon, and I’m kinda hoping that you wouldn’t be certain of that.

“Hey, come and get us you overgrown amphibians.”

“They’re reptiles love.”

“Common mistake.”

Um... no comment.

Look, it’s Gordon of the Jungle! I think he’s been watching too many movies.

“I’ll give up celery crunch bars for a year is you please just start.... Yes!”

I would hold off on the cheering, Gordon. Gosh, think how much money will be saved on the shopping!

This is definitely another brilliant episode though. Very Gordon centric, but giving him a story where he definitely has to work out of his comfort zone of the ocean. Scott has to cope with hovering above doing very little actually - which was probably a struggle for him, and John really needs to clean Thunderbird Five.

“What an adventure!”

“Season 15 is just around the corner!”

“You’re doing another season! Oh, wait till I tell Alan!”

“I just hope we have enough material. Occasionally we’re told our show is too far-fetched.”

“Really? I never would have guessed.”

I love the repetition of certain lines in this episode - it adds to the humour.

“You shouldn’t have. You really, really shouldn’t have”

“Aww, they’re cute.”

Once again, in the original, Tin-Tin bought Alan a Pigmy alligator at the end of the episode as a birthday present, but Buddy and Ellie get Gordon two for saving their lives! That was classic and Gordon’s reaction was perfect. He really must enjoy being their number one fan now! And did Scott actually coo? I think he did.

But, they do look kinda cute...

Cuter than these fella’s were at least;

Sorry this one’s a little short - today is a poor internet day, so I had to take what I could get.

[anthropologicalhands]

like, all your fic though? but i'm gonna say the josh chan fic since it made me cry like a little baby which was rude of you tbh

Hahaha awww. I both feel bad about that and continue to be touched.

So, one of the original scenes I envisioned for this fic was Josh going to see Greg and the two of them being kind of miserable about being broken up together, while being bad about it because they have ISSUES. The point of the scene would be for Josh and Greg to reestablish a tenuous connection, and through it, that Greg would reinforce the idea that Father Brah had proposed, that Josh should leave town, and that having this second opinion would solidify Josh’s resolve to go to New York. Ultimately, I felt that it was redundant, and that Josh’s trust in Father Brah was strong enough that he wouldn’t need much convincing and I couldn’t see a reason to keep the scene, but it made me sad to lose it, especially because it was one of the impetuses to write this fic. I also wanted to write a scene where Josh and Nathaniel interact, but that one never even got written, alas.

Ergo, I’m gonna include it below the read more! As always, it’s woefully unedited, and I still hope to use it somewhere at some point.

Father Brah’s advice is usually sound, but usually hishomework is about thinking things through, not buying plane tickets.

While he is mulling it over, Josh tries something that hehasn’t done in a long time: he goes to see Greg.

Sure, he and Greg have been in a weird place for a while,and not just because of what has happened with Rebecca, but Greg is smart, and hasalways been someone whose judgment is pretty reliable, even if he was way toorude about it. And in this case, he’s literally one of only two other peoplewho get this, and it still feels too weird to ever text Nathaniel.

He goes to Serrano’s for the first time since the pop-upstarted. He remembers coming here as a kid and being allowed to run around thekitchens unchecked. This time, when Greg leads him on a tour, it’s a clearimprovement. Under more cheerful circumstances, he would have a whole lot moreto say. As it is, he barely remembers to take some pictures for Instagram (NEEDHASHTAG: SPAGHETTIPUNS) before digging in.

“Have you made your plans for moving yet?” Greg asks, a fewbites in. “If you need a hand, I’m happy to help.”

Josh shrugs. “I’ll be okay, I didn’t have that much stuff tobegin with.”

“That’s good. Has Rebecca been helping out?”

“Yeah, she’s been really nice about it. But things are stillweird.”

“Well, it’s only two weeks away, right? It won’t be thatawkward by then, you’ll get over it.”

Josh glares at Greg. “Easy for you to say when you didn’teven go on a proper date with her! I got dumped after I told her I thought wewere written in the stars – of course it’s going to be awkward! That wholesituation was so weird, we can’t just go back to having breakfast together likeit never happened! It’s not awkward for you, because you bailed.” He immediately grimaces at his own faux pas. It’s notabout Greg, he shouldn’t be snapping at him. “I’m sorry, I’m still a littlesensitive after getting rejected and I shouldn’t have taken out on you. Thatwas bad, I’m sorry.”

Greg’s mouth is twisting downwards, so Josh can see he’s notunaffected, but then he just shakes his head, waving the insult away.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up. You two have a verydifferent history, and I have no right to judge that. Especially when I know it’snot easy to live with someone you have awkward feelings about.”

Josh cringes. “Again, sorry.”

“I know.”

They go back to moodily twirling spaghetti together; theydon’t mean to talk about Rebecca, except she still feels like the safest topicthey’ve got, all of the other years of silent resentment and slights too muchfor them to even begin to touch, even in this shared misery.

“If it makes you feel any better,” says Greg, slowly, likehe is dragging it out of him the way Josh drags weights sometimes. “I told herthat she was the love of my life.”

Josh’s head snaps up and he gapes openly at Greg. “What?”

“You heard me,” says Greg, before hetakes a too-large bite out of a meatball and promptly chokes on it.

Josh reaches over and slaps Greg hard on the back, still alittle stunned. “You said it. Like, those words, exactly. Not, ‘I’m not,not-interested’? Because I know that I said it’s your version of a loveconfession, but seriously, it doesn’t count.”

Greg looks annoyed, wiping his mouth with a napkin, but thenhe exhales and nods. “Those are exact words.”

“Wow.”

“No need to swoon over it,” Greg mutters.

“Dude, that’s likea huge deal for you.”

Greg fidgets uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah, and what I’mtrying to say is that it ended up not making much of a difference, either.”

“Yeah, she wants to work on herself.”

“And I totally get it.”

“It just sucks, huh?”

“I’ll drink to that,” says Greg, holding up his bottle ofcola.

“It’s just tiring. I’ve been trying to move past ‘it sucks’for a week now, but nothing’s working. And I don’t want to get stuck in aspiral, but everywhere I go, I just see more mistakes. It’s like the whole townis mocking me.”

“I know the feeling,” says Greg, his fork turning slowly inhis hand without gathering pasta.  

“Father Brah was saying that it might be a good idea for meto get out of town for a little bit.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

Josh frowns down into his spaghetti, spiking a meatball onthe prongs of his fork. “Huh. I thought you would be against that.”

“Given our last conversation on the subject in thequarantine ward, I understand where that idea would come from. But speaking assomeone who left West Covina with a massive chip on his shoulder and convincedthat the city actually, physically hated me – no, I don’t think it would berunning away. It might actually give you the space you need to process. Whenwas the last time you left the state? Like, seriously?”

“Remember when Hector was gonna surf in Hawaii, a few monthsafter Rebecca moved here?”

“Yeah, I remember that, but you didn’t go.”

Josh shrugs. “That was it. I mean, I was in SLO for theseminary, and I did go to Scarsdale to meet Rebecca’s family, but I only reallywent between her mother’s house and the bar mitzvah, so I don’t think thatcounts.”

“No, family visits definitely do not count for vacation,trust me. Josh, you’re an approachable guy, and this whole situation has beenso weird, that it makes sense that people want information. And they are notgoing to ask Nathaniel, or me, when they can talk to you about it.”

“Huh. That makes sense actually.”

“Right? Look, everyone in this town knows and cares way toomuch about your personal business, so going somewhere that not everybody knowsyour name might be a good change for you. When I went to Atlanta, it’s like allof these mental walls just totally fell away. Anonymity is surprisinglyfreeing.”

Josh isn’t sure if Greg is being self-deprecating or not, orif it would be appropriate to laugh, so he compromises by shoving a fork twinedfull of noodles right into his mouth to avoid a direct response.

“This is really good,” he says, when he is able to breatheagain. “Did you do something to the sauce?”

“Thanks, I’ve been testing different varieties of tomato andthe new ones give a much richer flavor. And you’re trying to change thesubject.”

“I know,” says Josh, slumping back in his chair. “But you’reright. It would nice to go somewhere where people don’t immediately know mydrama. I just need to find the right place.”

~

[ben-winch-writer-rocker]

Live, Masonic Auditorium, Detroit, 01/14/1978

Fred “Sonic” Smith and Oppositional Defiance Disorder:

The appeal of MC5 guitarist Fred “Sonic” Smith goes beyond his guitar work, savage, deft and incendiary as that work may have been, and far beyond what traces of that work remain via studio and live recordings. In this era of “over-diagnosed” psychological disorders, Smith’s “condition” might well be labelled, like Kurt Cobain’s, “oppositional defiance disorder”. But unlike Cobain, Smith had neither the drive to be a frontman nor the good grace (or self-doubt) to back down in the face of physical opposition. And unlike Cobain, he was no suicide; his anger faced squarely outwards, driven by a righteous indignation that, at first, was anything but self-implicating.

A famous MC5 creation myth paints the young would-be revolutionary. While discussing the band-to-come at a Detroit restaurant with Wayne Kramer and Rob Tyner, Smith knocked a glass over mid-rant and (according to Kramer) said, “Yeah, this is what we’ll do, we’ll just knock shit over if we wanna knock shit over. We’ll be powerful. We’ll take a stand.”

“That ain’t cool,” Tyner said. “That ain’t being powerful. You’re not taking a stand. You’re not proving anything.”

Smith: “Well what are you gonna do about it?”

Tyner: “I’ll do what I have to do.”

Smith: “Then let’s fight.”

So they fought outside in the icy parking lot. After a couple of punches it went to the ground and Smith, an athletic six-foot-plus, came out on top, fist raised. “I could smash your face in,” he said.

And Tyner said, “Well why don’t you?”

As Kramer tells it, for three teenagers this was deep, and they got in the car and drove around for hours analysing what had happened. For Smith, I suspect it was a turning point, maybe not just in his relationship with Tyner (“After that they were tight,” says Kramer) but in his understanding of what nowadays might be termed his disorder. Of course it didn’t stop him fighting (he’d spar with Tyner again, and tackle two policemen when they arrested MC5 manager John Sinclair), but just maybe it started him questioning, turning his ideals from “smash everything” to “smash what needs smashing”, and giving him the dignity and true-seeming righteousness that comes across so strongly in his future wife Patti Smith’s recollections. (Fred Smith died in 1994, aged 46. See Patti Smith’s book M. Train for some touching writing on the man.)

From Detroit delinquent to doting family man, Smith’s trajectory was always up, despite that the MC5 crashed and burned due to record-company hassles and Sonic’s Rendezvous Band never had the chance to repeat that ignominy, largely or partly, if the other players’ testimonies are accurate, because Smith willed it that way—because Cobain-like he taunted and insulted any A & R man plucky enough to make him overtures.

So, like the MC5, like the Flamin’ Groovies, like even—to some extent—the Stooges (whose masterpiece Raw Power was, production-wise, a misfire) Sonic’s Rendezvous Band are one of the great protopunk should-have-been-a-success stories. In a sense they may be the greatest, because of their failure, because of their mystique. And that mystique is rooted not only in mists-of-time semi-invisibility, but in the aura of rebel iconoclast Fred “Sonic” Smith.

Scott Morgan and the Tonic:

But since Sonic’s Rendezvous Band, despite the name, were a two-singer band, let’s discuss the second singer, especially as he was, by any traditional yardstick, the better frontman—louder, more professional, with clearer diction (Smith’s was, make no mistake, awful; fans will be arguing over the substance of his lyrics forever), and more possessing of what some listeners may have taken as charisma. And in any case, the first song on the album is his: “Electrophonic Tonic”.

Scott Morgan, a veteran of fellow almost-made-it Detroit rock band the Rationals, had cut his teeth as a frontman singing Otis’s “Respect” pre-Aretha’s-version and turned that song into a regional hit, which, thanks to the last-minute non-involvement of Jerry Wexler’s Atlantic, never made it national. (Faced with the Rationals’ lofty demand of five grand upfront, Wexler demurred, handed the song to Aretha, and the rest is history.) A soul singer, then, with a hard rock edge, which may simply have been what it took to get across in the intimate and sonically inadequate venues of Detroit in the late 1960s, Morgan delivers his parts here with an R & B frontman’s panache, positioning himself on the classic-rock continuum somewhere between Ted Nugent and Steve Marriot, though when he sets his band loose they kick harder—thanks to ex-Up bassist Gary Rasmussen and ex-Stooges drummer Scott Asheton as much as to Smith’s semi-insane, close-to-breaking-point, post-Chuck-Berry guitar solos—than almost anyone except AC/DC, and with a sheer abandon which the famous Scots-Australians, ever the professionals, rarely mustered.

But let’s back up a little. Harder than anyone? What about Sabbath, Zeppelin, Deep Purple? I’ll make it clear: Sonic’s Rendezvous Band doesn’t do lumbering. Much as they’re classic, classic as hell, you couldn’t call them dinosaurs because they’re too fleet-footed. But nor do they sprint, they’ve got too much distance to cover; every other track here clocks in at over five minutes, and two of them (Smith’s masterpieces “Sweet Nothin’” and “City Slang”) are nearer to seven. The tempo is Sex Pistols and up, the beat almost motoric. (Asheton focusses on hitting hard and keeping the pace; he hasn’t got time for fancy flourishes.) Their roots are in R ’n’ B boogie, just as Sabbath’s were in blues. And I’d say they were just about as ahead of their time as Sabbath, if inevitably (given they had no record deal) nowhere near as influential.

But back to the “Tonic”. It’s a good song: deft, workmanlike, shuffling the same old three classic-rock chords in a natural and not entirely expected fashion. There’s a nice halftime breakdown in the middle. It’s got grit. Those who weren’t bemoaning its classicism (this was a support slot at a Ramone’s gig, after all) were probably shaking their heads in disbelief at its onslaught, unless they were shaking their asses with sheer abandon, tearing up seating, going wild. As an opener and a mission statement, it kicks ass. But for me, it’s only in track two, “Sweet Nothin’”, that the magic happens.

Sweet Nothin’:

Who can say what arcane voodoo is at work here? On the surface it starts out not so dissimilar to track one. We’ve jumped from E to B though, a good sign. (B is a great guitar key, enabling riffs that E makes obscure.) But to start off with, at least, it’s the same three-chord theory. There’s a subtle key-shift in the pre-chorus, and then with the chorus we’re in new territory: the minor sixth—the “Raw Power” chord, the “Suffragette City” chord, the “Sonic Reducer” chord—rears its head and Smith puts his cards on the table. Like Sabbath’s embrace of the devil’s interval, this is a chord-change that would inspire an entire genre—postpunk—and it darkens proceedings and ups the drama as soon as Smith unveils it.

What can I say? “Sweet Nothin’” is an anthem, despite or maybe because of the fact that I can’t hear more than a few words of it. It’s a love song, that much I’m sure of, maybe penned for the soon-to-be Mrs Patti “Sonic” Smith. (Patti Smith was on the scene intermittently in Detroit around the time: the two had sparked up an affair—she was still married to her last husband—and SRB would support her in bigger venues, breaking away from their intimate, not to say dead-end, bar gigs, where according to legend they played for as few as six people.) Whatever the “message”, I don’t care; I feel it in my bones. And when Smith, after repeating the simple refrain “You’re really really something sweet nothin’” in the plainest of minor-key melodies five or six times before the final solo, sing-shouts “You take my breath away”, barely caring if he’s in earshot of the microphone, I know exactly what he’s saying. Besides, whoever said an anthem has to meansomething? What does “Pretty Vacant” mean? “There’s no point in asking, you’ll get no reply.” You either know it deep down, deeper than words, or you never will. “There’s more to the picture than meets the eye” after all, and “Sweet Nothin’” is as good an illustration as any.

To make it clear, “Sweet Nothin’”, in my opinion, is one of the top twenty rock songs ever. It gets in. It obsesses you, or obsesses me, and I say this as someone who discovered it at age 43, via Spotify, through a $200 portable Bluetooth player. As Roberto Bolañosaid, if you want to find out if something’s a masterpiece, translate it. Translate it badly. If it stillretains its power, there’s your answer. And this album, smothered in tape saturation and poorly mixed from the live desk, was hardly a good translation to begin with. It’s not a classic like Bowie’s Low, or Abbey Road, or even the flawed Raw Power—not a finely-wrought work of art. It’s more like a jam tape. And what’s more, like a jam tape that doesn’t half sound familiar. I’ve beenat those jams. I’ve played in them. Not that our jams were as powerful, but I’d say Sonic’s Rendezvous Band stake a convincing claim to sounding like what, to this day, many rock bands want to sound like.

Into the Red:

And so it goes, through the five-minute semi-psychotic choogle of “Asteroid B612” (weird name for Morgan’s declaration of righteous love for his woman, bisected by a brilliant, dexterous-soulful blues-at-11 solo from Smith) to Smith’s five-plus-minute slightly more contemplative but still excoriating “Gone With the Dogs”, which to tell the truth slightly pales, given that Smith’s voice is already hoarse and he’s just graced “Asteroid B612” with some of his tastiest guitar-work. But wait, that accolade may well go to track six, “Song L”, which attempts a truly strange percussive minor-chord motif that doesn’t quitework but adds a new-wave-like aspect to Smith’s palette (it almost sounds—wait for it—sophisticated), before the nuclear explosion of the solo. By now, admittedly, following Morgan’s “Love and Learn”, it all seems slightly like business as usual: high-energy rocker after high-energy rocker; two guitar solos a piece, apparently thrown in whenever Smith feels like it; each song culminating in a swelling classic-rock crescendo. Nonetheless it’s precisely the lack of dynamics that makes this feel so modern. It’s unrelenting.

And I wonder, was it only in the space above zero VU—well into the red—that Smith felt the thrill of being powerful, of knocking stuff over, that had made him want to play guitar in the first place, but without the need to do violence that had very nearly made him cave his friend’s face in? Whatever their motivation, for the remainder of the set he and his collaborators play their hearts out, so much so that by “City Slang”, pretty much the ultimate showstopper, it’s hard to believe they can still play at all. Yes, the performance is patchy compared to the seven-inch version (the only record released by SRB in its lifetime, and a flat-out masterpiece). Smith is barely enunciating by the last shouted refrains. But he always maintained he liked performers that stepped up to or over the line, and all four players do that here. It’s pure adrenalin.

Plainly no band could have kept up this intensity without some serious motivation. And the truth is that by “City Slang” Smith sounds tired. Probably he didn’t have what it takes to be a frontman, at least not a touring frontman, and possibly he knew it. Maybe all he wanted was to sing his songs—because they existed, because he’d written them, because if he didn’t no-one else would. And it’s this near-complete lack of ego—this hesitating on the verge of doing nothing at all, then throwing himself in regardless body and soul—that makes Smith’s performance here one of my all-time favourite perfomances by a male singer, despite its faults. It’s the tone, bluntly masculine but vulnerable, straight-talking, speaking calmly from the centre of the storm. What can I say? He means it, and he really doesn’t much care how it goes over. Or better put, sure, you can tell he’s humbled by the crowd’s ecstatic response, but get a record deal, tour the country, maybe get rich and famous? The song and its performance are their own rewards. And, just maybe, this degree of selflessness could only have come from a singer who didn’t think of himself as a frontman.

From playing back-up to Rob Tyner and sharing the stage with Scott Morgan, Smith transitioned, shortly after this recording, to playing husband and sideman to Patti Smith, collaborating on her 1988 album comeback album Dream of Lifeand its breakthrough single “The People Have the Power”. For someone who started with a will to destroy, the adult Fred “Sonic” Smith had learned humility. His story, or what I’ve managed to uncover of it, is a true inspiration, because though he never hit the bigtime he lived the dream, doing what he wanted how he wanted at maximum volume, and never with that preening strut of the peacock that suggests it’s all theatre.

Live, Masonic Auditorium, Detroit, 01/14/1978 is a flawed document, and who knows, it may be that Sonic’s Rendezvous Band were never going to break through outside of Michigan. Regardless, it’s a classic. It takes your breath away.

[theultimateegghead-blog]

My top 10 least favorite bosses.

I love boss battles, they are a great way to challenge the player and to wrap up a level or a game. Not all bosses are made equal though, for every great boss there is a mediocre one as well. These bosses got on my bad side due to various reasons. Now, this list is subjective and my opinion, not every boss on this list is terrible from a design standpoint, and there may even be some on this list you may not agree with. This is fine, your free to have your favorites or least favorites. In fact, I would love to see your least favorite bosses in the comments if you would please. Secondly, no bosses from my top 50 list will be on this list. This is to avoid redundancy. Lets take a look at some of my least favorite bosses.

NUMBER 10 - Xande (Final Fantasy 3)

This just goes to show that not every boss on this list is bad. On a purely technical note, Xande is a perfectly fine boss, however to describe this foe in one word would be “disappointment”. Xande is built up as the ultimate bad guy in Final Fantasy III. His magic literally tearing the world apart and just causing havoc. He is so strong that approaching his tower before it is time results in a game over. He seems to be almighty, or so you would believe. After conquering one of the longest and most difficult dungeons in one of the hardest numbered Final Fantasy games, Xande is just lackluster. He is an incredibly basic magic oriented boss with lukewarm stats, he is barely threatening. His death introduces the true final boss so he just serves as a Segway to the cloud of darkness. Despite being the primary antagonist of Final Fantasy III, he isn’t even given a spot in the dissidia roster. Talk about a let down.

How this boss could have been better – Beef him up to final boss status and just get rid of the could of darkness.

**********

NUMBER 9 - Ghost of Lady Comstock (Bioshock Infinite)

This boss is an infamous one for sure. I am one of those people who was disappointed by Bioshock Infinite. It was a great game but it just lacked the special atmosphere that made Bioshock 1 great for me. Enemies felt more bland and uninspired, and the ghost of lady Comstock is a boring boss to take down. The battle drags on forever with the ghost just teleporting around and constantly reviving fallen enemies to fight alongside her. She is fought several times and each time she is just annoying. She can take a lot of punishment and it is hard to break her out of reviving everyone you just defeated. Whats worse is that my game crashed the first time I beat her, causing me to have to fight her twice, then the second time my power went out! I fought this boss more times than necessary…and I didn’t like it at all.

How this boss could have been better – If it weren’t so long…

**********

NUMBER 8 – Final boss (Ninja Gaiden II)

There are a number of bad NES era bosses. Though I cannot necessarily say its totally unforgivable, because of the era there was no norm, no bar that was set when it came to boss quality. Though, what is bad is when you take a pre-existing boss that was fine and make it worse. The final boss of Ninja Gaiden II for the NES is a three part endurance test. The first form is a humanoid enemy that floats around shooting tons of fireballs and is a general nuisance to hit. The second form is a large room with a ceiling that drips dangerous liquid and a giant head that shoots lasers, this part is tough and can drain health fast. Stage three is essentially a repeat of the final boss of the first game, now with hands. After destroying its head, you must destroy its core while it shoots attacks everywhere. What makes this so bad? YOU NEED TO DO THIS WITH ONLY ONE HEALTH BAR! If you die, you need to redo the final stage, its unnecessarily punishing.

How this boss could have been better – If it either restored health between stages or allowed you to restart from the beginning of the fight.

**********

NUMBER 7 - Krauser QTE fight (Resident Evil 4)

Ill keep this one brief because most gamers know about this fight. Resident Evil 4 is an action horror game with occasional quick time events. Up until this point these events were for either outrunning boulders or avoiding enemy attacks during fights. This fight occurs during a cutscene and comes out of virtually nowhere. The window of time to react is very small and a single error will cause you to have to restart the cutscene. Its just so out of place and unnecessary…

How this boss could have been better – It could have been an actual fight…

**********

NUMBER 6 - Alpha 152 (Dead or Alive 4)

Fighting game bosses can be some of the most unfair and frustrating things a gamer has to overcome. While the majority of final bosses from fighting games could make this list, I decided to pick Alpha 152 from DOA4. Alpha is a clone of Hitmone, but her moveset is unique. She can turn the battle on its head at any moment and cut your health down to nothing in one massive combo. She is fast, she is aggressive, she can counter most attacks and she can teleport. The combos I mentioned are insanely long and hard to avoid. She serves as the final boss for most characters story mode, in story mode she isn’t as bad. In arcade mode however, she is a nightmare, her aggression is through the roof and she must be defeated twice in order to win! This boss is frustrating to fight and can be downright unfair at times. Nothing stings worse in DOA4 than having her down at 10% health while you have high health, only to be destroyed by her.

How this boss could have been better – If her combos were toned down just a bit.

**********

NUMBER 5 - Doc Robot (Mega Man 3)

Doc robot is perhaps the most unnecessary boss of all time. This dude is a cheap gimmick made to try to expand the run time of Mega Man 3. You have to fight him 8 times, 8 times! Each time he gets a new gimmick stolen from the Mega Man 2 robot masters and uses them in a far more annoying way. He tends to just hover over you to deal continuous damage, which is something I really do not like. This boss is just pointless padding and gives no reward to be beaten. I don’t like this boss because he is annoying and overstays his welcome.

How this boss could have been better – If he were encountered once, but used multiple boss attacks, it would have been much more memorable and tolerable.

**********

NUMBER 4 - Gyorg (Majora's Mask)

This is referring to the N64 version of Gyorg, because the 3DS version is substantially better. Gyorg is the worst boss of the worst temple in Majora’s Mask. A giant shark like monster that swims around a platform that Link is standing one. While on the platform, the beast will try to knock Link into the water, so they can eat him. In order to beat Gyorg, you have to use the Zora mask and fight it underwater, occasionally stunning it to hit it. Here lies the problem, your underwater so your dealing with those kind of controls. The second problem is that Gyorg recovers to quickly and the camera tends to shift away from them when you try to escape, often meaning you get eaten. So basically the camera ruins this boss and makes it a total chore to fight. I had to restart the great bay temple at least 3 times because I ran out of time trying to beat this thing on my first run of Majora’s Mask oh so many years ago…

How this boss could have been better – It actually is better in the 3DS remake, Nintendo learned from their mistakes.

**********

NUMBER 3 -Elana The squalid Queen (Dark Souls 2)

This boss was perhaps the most sour point of the Crown of the Sunken king dlc. To make a long story short, shes a shard of a great evil named Manus and is probably responsible for the downfall of her kingdom. Shes essentially the main antagonist of the DLC even though she is overshadowed by the Dragon. The first gripe with her is the fact that, unless you know where a secret bonfire is, dieing to her will send you back far. She fights similar to the final boss, but has a knack for teleporting around and using magic attacks when your not looking. This isn’t so bad, but she has a lot of health, does a lot of damage and summons help. The summoning is why I hate this boss, she summons enemies that can inflict toxic. She can summon skeletons, which is not so bad, but she can also summon another boss that can tear you apart. This boss is badly designed and is one of the bosses that made me legit angry. I was extremely relieved when I finally bested her, only to meet a dragon face to face literally a minute after.

How this boss could have been better – Just get rid of her summoning ability, its just not fair having her summon another boss.

**********

NUMBER 2 - Sir Arthur (Sonic and the Black Knight)

King Arthur is the primary antagonist for the majority of the mediocre Sonic and the Black Knight. His presence is virtually none-existent until the boss fight. He fights you on horseback and spends most of the fight running away and pestering you with magic and warping swords. If he gets enough distance he will turn around and charge.  All of his attacks are annoying but not very hard to dodge or avoid. So why is he this high on the list? Three words… Quick Time Event. In order to damage him you have to swing the wii mote to parry him. The timing is almost inhumanly precise and more often than not it doesn’t matter if you do is spot on, you will fail. If you beat the game you know which QTE in particular makes this boss horrible. If you don’t, watch the game grumps play through, because it shows this boss’ absurdity at its greatest. This boss is for me the worst sonic boss yet.

How this boss could have been better – If the quick time event was removed, this boss would be off the list. Though even then it would still be a very mediocre boss.

**********

NUMBER 1 - Clyde's Machine (Pac Man World 2)

This is a boss I despise. Clyde’s machine is the third ghost robot boss and the fourth boss of Pac-Man World 2. These bosses can only be damaged by jumping on their heads, usually this isn’t to hard of a task, but Clyde ups the difficulty to 11. On an uneven platform surrounded by lava, a single misstep will result in a dead Pac-Man. And boy oh boy, how often that happens. Pac Man seems to just want to take a lava bath! You stand still, you die because one of his attacks pushed you in the lava. You move? You die because you fell into the lava. You stay in the middle of the platform? Isnt it wonderful how all his attacks just hit you head on when you do that? You try to rev roll? Hello Lava my old friend… The worst part is that even attacking him might send you flying into the pit for no reason. The only saving grace is that this boss has checkpoints…

How this boss could have been better – If it didn’t exist.

**********

Thank you for reading my list! What bosses got under your skin? Feel free to share in the comments! Next time we will be taking a more positive turn to look at my top 10 favorite grass type Pokemon, see you then, ciao!

[kai-borg]

"Evil? Do I consider myself such? No, no. Tell me, do you call the rahi evil for the death they bring? The beings they consume? No, because it is their nature to do such. It is the same with me, despite my... form I am not one of you, but at the same time I am. I have my own nature, one different from yours. Perhaps it may seem cruel to those also with sentience but to me it is beauty, art, something I must complete. Now then, enough talk! I can already see the beautiful masterpiece you'll make.~"

-Cryptid to an (idiotic) matoran reporter that had managed to track him down for a review. Said matoran was later found dead, turned into another of Crypid's pieces of 'art', the recording was luckily left intact. 

=============

Cryptid came into being from the first and last test of a matorans attempted recreation of the mask of creation in metru-nui, despite having only vague knowledge of its powers and creation.

Perhaps if the Matoran’d had a better understanding Cryptid may have never come into creation.

The Matoran had believed the mask to have the ability to build anything the user thought of as long as there were near enough materials, even if they weren't visible. Who knows, maybe they were correct and they just weren't strong enough to control it, perhaps they built the mask wrong. But until it is truly discovered what Artahkas mask can do, it will never be known, and either way it is much too late to fix that Matoran's mistake.

During the first, and soon after last, test of the masks abilities the Matoran had been visiting a damaged parts dump, attempted to create something small, a tool or perhaps just a small figurine, whatever it was they chose the mask chose differently. Unleashing a burst of creation-based energy, utterly draining the mask before becoming trapped within the ensuing energy storm. It was quickly ripped from the matorans face, becoming the epicentre of the storm, before beginning to form a body around itself, a twisted and broken form, and once the storm was finished, and the being dropped to the ground, it was soon recognized as a form that exuded danger when it's eyes of dark red, and dripping with an ichor like liquid turned to stare at the matoran, a twisted smile, that would stay for the eons and more of its existence, soon grown across its face.

That matoran became the first of many of Cryptid's pieces of ‘art’ as he calls them.

Not too long after the time of his creation, perhaps a year or two, he was attacked by a horde of Vahki who had finally managed to track him down from his discovered ‘art’ pieces. During the end of chase he ended up having his back injured before he fell off a large cliff, ending up on his back somewhere in the depths of Metru-Nui's outskirts, bresulting in it fully breaking. His Vahki pursuers, believing him to be dead and if not, at least removed from Metru-Nui, returned to the inner-cities, leaving Cryptid to slowly heal until he could move enough to be able to design a crude back harness.

He later replaced it with a much better and more high tech one,designed to inject certain chemicals and such to even better increase its benefits. He returned to the city, stealing a ship and leaving to find a new island to create ‘art on, of course he didn't leave before creating a few more pieces of his 'art' around the island.

His second major injury occured at a much later date, resulting in the loss of his right arm.

During a fight with one of his more powerful opponents, during his more inexperienced years, he ended up losing his right arm before he could end his oppoenents life. His opponent was a Toa of some sorts, somehow managing to set off an explosion near Cryptid after suffering a fatal injury, ripping Cryptids arm off, embedding the metal into his shoulder that he built the prosthetic into, and ending his own life.

His flesh later healed over it to enough to make it much more difficult to remove for anybody, Cryptid included.

Species: Artificial mask construct/bionicle

Gender: Male

Age: …. Yeah, I still have no clue how to figure this out when it comes to bionicle's! XD

Personality: While Cryptid is a ‘normal’ bionicle he is, in part, a sentient, and long powerless, mask and it’s shown throughout his personality, from his twisted love of creating, despite his lack of power, ‘art’, ranging from just simple, if but disturbing, statues and carvings to his preferred more ‘organic’ pieces, be they created from ‘gathered resources’ or his own, to his love of ‘artful’ dancing and posing, even despite the disturbing quality both usually retained they, along with his other art, manage to capture a sense of awe and disturbing ‘beauty’ in their designs

He's manic, gleeful at best and downright crazed at worst.He enjoys making his ‘art’, and has a tendency to burst into song, especially whilst doing so. All of which tend to scare others, or at least make them extremely nervous for fear of their lives. He's not exactly evil but he doesn't feel the same way as others, and doesn't see what he does as evil. While he has realized that most others have a different view than him, he really doesn't care, they're not him, and so what if the majority of sentient beings have differing opinions to his, why should he care? They don't control him.

Fighting style: In truth he fights with basically anything he can get his hands on, be that from stealing an opponents weapon to useing random objects scattered across the ground.

if he has nothing at hand he'll just use his own claws, strength, and flexibility, all skills that have taken down many an opponent.

Abilities and powers: Due to his 'accidental' creation, and what his body was created from, some parts of himself do not work properly, such as his nervous system. 

Oh sure, it works enough for him to be able to move properly and all that but he can't feel anything, only highly dulled versions of whatever sensation he should be feeling, and pain is even more so. It allows for him to push his body to limits he never should’ve been able to reach, and to personally ‘modify’ his body and indulge in certain ‘habits’ of his at any given time.

His own body's healing ability is a very useful factor in all of this too, while it is only slightly faster than most without some healing item/mask it allows for his body to adaptively heal, continued injury forcing his body to heal in ways to attempt to avoid said injuries and due to his ‘habits’ he has greatly adapted his body to better work with him. He has managed to force nearly all of his joints, from neck to knee to rotate and turn at any ‘realistic’ angle (directions it could already move, back, forward, side-to-side, etc). Allowing for him to create even more disturbing poses, dances and movements.

But as a counter to these benefits his body suffers multiple problems from its uncontrolled creation. The two biggest problems he suffers, and has created solutions for, are certain restrictions to his healing ability and a very dangerous internal one.

If his body takes a large enough amount of damage, focused on one area, he can not fully heal it, as shown with his back.

While he can remove the harness, and move without itm he will be greatly weakened while it is removed, being forced to slow down and be more careful with his movements to keep from aggravating his injuries. He can only keep it removed for a finite amount of time before his back starts to give out again.

As for his internals, once again due to his unnatural creation, a very important internal function of his body doesn't fully work, I.e. His internal blood/protodermis flow, luckily (for him) he managed to discover and fix it in time, installing a tubing system to artificially pump his blood/protodermis throughout him. The tubes are easily his biggest weakness, while he can survive for about a week with minimally increasing detrimental effects it is still highly dangerous to do such. The tubes and mechanics themselves are difficult to replace and he is highly protective of the tubes, going out of his way to keep them from being damaged.

=============

So yeah, any of you guys ever just build something to vent some stress, not planning to really make anything, just sticking stuff together and somehow you actually make something? Yeah that's how Cryptid was made.

I mean I did have plans at that point to use his torso for a while, which I actually found partially built in a box of random parts I bought, well only the torso bit which had the chest armour, tube (without the black piece and angled technic bars), black claw and a slightly different neck connection but with the same head, but never got around to it until now and I definitely didn't plan on this! But I gotta say I do like him.

In fact, I will truthfully state Cryptid is quite literally one of my top favourite MOC’s. 

No idea why, he just seems to click in a way that I just can’t help but like him for some reason

[zebraslovescupcakestoo]

Of cats and birds.

A side story of how Alex the Cat meets two feathered friends of his cousin.

It was one clear dusk sky at the storehouses where the city's kept their supplies and transported goods is where we find that notorious thief from another country. He was laying on his back on one of the crates that contained fashionable fall coats from Europe.

He was gently playing with a very beautiful, heart shaped, sapphire and was unsatisfied of how it turned out earlier with a certain girl he wanted to take form... When he 'borrowed' it, he thought for SURE he was going to get her, but her rejection and answer was still the same... She belong to him... Just like the others before her...

He sighed out of frustration. He then noticed a small grey mouse just passing by him and stopped at just the right spot... Unlucky for the little mouse, the white cat had fast hands and caught him. He lifted the poor thing by the tail as he struggled and squeaked, close to his face.

“Life is never fair. Is it? Well, for me, it is.” He said. “Always not getting what I wanted if I played fair... But for you, well...” He smiled deviously and then grabbed the mouse's body. “It sucks to be you. Mmmhmhm! Die for me.” He then started to squeeze the life out of the little creature. He was a sadistic after all, he loves seeing living beings getting hurt...

But his pleasure of seeing the suffering was interrupted when a hand was on his and loosen his grip on the mouse. It released the poor thing and he immediately fled. He frowned and looked at his visitor to get a good look of him. To his surprise, it was that guy...

He had a very bright, red hair with a pointy back, had green eyes, facial beard, an old beat up, patched up, tailor coat, a white button shirt, navy blue pants and bark brown shoes. He saw him through a few photos at his cousin's place and in the kids drawings one time...

He also had a frowning face. “Didn't your parents ever taught you not to harm animals like that?” Oh? He had an Irish accent... so this must be that Woody McPecker guy that his cousin sometimes work with...

He decided to play it cool. “You must be that Woody guy my cousin sometimes hangs out with... To what do I owe you for finding me here?”

The redhead crossed his arms. “A bird told me that you were trying to steal Felix's girl, again. Haven't you learned anything from past rejection that she doesn't want to be with you? There are plenty of others out there that are just as pretty. Why are you so persistent of getting this one?”

He really don't get it... “What I do and what I want is nobody else's concern. I'm just working to get what I want.” He rolled over to his side, away from him.

“Funny. I don't recall you having a job and don't even say the life of a thief is considered one of them. That title is not worth it, believed me.” He said as if he had experienced it. Big deal, you sounded like got caught with hands in the cookie jar once and now you're too scared to continue? That ruffled his white fur the wrong way...

“Whatever, done harassing me? I had an unpleasant evening earlier as you described it and I wanted some time alone.” But he was not finished yet. “Fine, but you need to hand over that sapphire necklace first. You didn't pay for it, but I'll let you slide once if you handed over right now.” He offered his hand as to say hand it over.

Does this bird brain know who HE is? Or better yet, does he know WHAT he's dealing with?!

The white cat's eye twitched, but remained calm. “Aw! But the condos here are not exactly cheap here...” He whined.

The Wood pecker was not letting his guard down for that and said. “Welcome to our commoner world. Now for the last time, hand it over or I will be forced to put you under arrest for shoplifting.”

What... did he just said? Did he said... shoplifting?!?! HE, Alex Cat, the most infamous thief of Europe, was being told by this guy, called his well crafted plans of grand theft, SHOPLIFTING?!

“Loud mouthed beak, you just made one major mistake with me... and probably the last.” He said it intimately and got up, still had his back turned. “No one dares to call my theft skills as a 'shoplifting' category. That 'title' is for the amateurs. There's no pride of taking a worthless, petty items like that of a candy bar or a pack of cigarettes.” He then started to speak of his pride. “I only take the best. The 'creme de la creme' kind of treasures, the most priceless jewelries from India and sacred foreign places. My title as the greatest thief in the century, Alexandre Derussée, will surpass that of the novel version the the gentlemen thief of Arsene Lupin! My plans for the heists is far superior of any of those who came before me. I can easily manipulate and recall the fine details of the latest technology and securities. One time I've escaped one sultan's heavily guarded palace with a very rare diamond called the 'Evil eye' and I duped the whole staff including the man himself!” The white cat opened up his arms with the last words with a big, psychotic smile.

But then he frowned and gritted his teeth. “But then... Oh... It still wasn't enough for SOME people... You dare to called my craftily planned heists, as a 'shoplifting' act? Petty criminals and KIDS can do that!” He turned around and points at the woodpecker with that timing.

The woodpecker had his fists on his hips. “Funny you mentioned kids on this, cause your cousin told us about that time you tricked them into stealing the neighbor's gardening decorations just for fun. Are you putting more pressure in his life than it has to? His father and sister, or should I put it YOUR uncle and cousin-!” Bang! “JEEZES!”

The woodpecker dodged the gun shot just in time. The white cat still kept his cool head, but he still hides his anger inside. “What makes you think you have any rights to tell me how I should do and what to say? I bet my 'opinion' is far more convenient than yours and others.” He then puts it away in his jacket.

“There's no need to take your temper out on me! You almost put a bullet in my cheek bones!” Woody shouted at him. “You know that you'll be judged for that!”

“Ooooooooooh! I quiver with FEAR!” Alex sneered as he had one hand behind his back to untied his white whip belt.

“Easy, cat. We can still settle thing without violence.” Woody tried one more time to reason with him, but he got his answer with a quick attack of the whip. He barrel rolls out of the way and took out his pocket knife. “Remember, You ask for it.” The woodpecker responded.

Alex then attempted to lay the second attack by the neck, but the little bird was too quick for it, dodged and launches at him. The cat's eyes were widen with surprise when he didn't know of how fast he is! He's just as fast as his cousin,and they're both at the same level! But he was no slouch either! He was dodging the slashes the woodpecker was giving, despite that he was barely laying a slice, it was no easy task! How did his cousin deal with this loud beak in a fight? Is he gonna get even better than him?!

“Not again... He keeps-OOF!” The cat was thinking too much and it took him off guard. Woody had made a headbutt to his chin, then a left kick to his chest and then he finishes it off with a left sucker punch to his face in a blink of an eye combo! He stumbles flat to the ground. “Nyack!” The woodpecker took a breather for a few seconds and then got a bit more confident. He crossed his arms and said. “Well, Axie? Now will you hand it over or do you want to go for round two?”

The cat was quiet... then he started to laugh. That made the woodpecker's eyebrow rose with confusion. Then the cat started to explain as he got up... “I can see why my cousin is getting even better... I guess that I need to use my old bag of tricks that he wouldn't dare to use. He's was always too nice for his own good.” He then hissed, but this time, he lashes out his snake like tongue and his eyes were shining with gold and red ruby.

“WHAT THA HAWK?!” He screeched in fright as it send a chilling scare to the woodpecker and that lowered his guard down. Alex took the opportunity to do a payback as he laid some serpent techniques he learned over seas in his heists... He was very glad that he made a deal with his 'guardian' when the 'other' one had chose his cousin... He will get his revenge soon enough...

He then made one more blow as he palmed the woodpecker's chin and send HIM flat on his back. The guy didn't stood a chance when Alex unleashed his hidden talent... he was never warned that he's under Apophis' influence and his successor! Nor is anyone, at least not yet...

Alex then got up to him, stomped his left foot on his chest hard and he was smiling very eerie... Woody tried to get out of his predicament, but he then got his neck gripped with the cat's claws piercing a bit through it's gloves. He then tries to loosen his grip for air, but he got shocked when the cat grabbed his pocket knife that was probably got dropped when he was getting beaten up in round two.

He then said. “I'm glad that I have the chance to meet a friend of my cousin, too bad this would be our last talk. Send my regards to my deceased uncle and my older cousin on the other side. FAREWELL!” He took a back swing and attempted to impale the pocket knife right in the middle of the woodpecker's eyes. The cat's kill almost succeeded until...

A giant right hand caught his and he felt a gun's nuzzle at... his but?!? “Drop the knife before I blow your nuts and but cheeks off, Alex.” That accent... This evening is just getting worse!

He took a glance back to see if it IS that guy... He had an Elvis inspired black hair with a couple of pointy bangs, he had navy blue eyes, fairly pale skin, a bright, yellow sweater with blue sleeves, a white shirt underneath, a HORRIBLE colored blinded tie, a pair of brown pants and dark brown shoes. Yup, it's him.

He tsked and lets go of the woodpecker. Despite of what he looks, in his thirties and he's Canadian, he's not someone to be underestimated. He learned that lesson the hard and humiliating way... He then decided to play it safe and returned his eyes and tongue to normal. The tall man then puts away his gun.

“Well! Sam Toucan! What an unexpected surprise!” He playfully smiled and sweet talked him. “I still couldn't believed that my solitude of my cousin would still be popular enough to have some very unique friends like yourselves.” He made a pleading eye contacts with the toucan, but he wasn't easily fooled judging from his serious expression. “You were one inch away for getting a lawsuit of killing a fellow officer.”

The cat tried to play it innocently. “He was an officer? Oh! I feel simply awful!” He implied it while he clawed the metal wall next to him and it let out an eerie sound that made both of then winced. Especially to the woodpecker. The toucan was barely affected, just one eye flinched but nothing effective.

“Must have slipped my mind for when he was asking for the necklace.” He fling off some imaginary dirt from his gloves, pretending to be naive. The woodpecker then 'reminded' him with one step forward. “Well as 'slippery' as you are, as your police officer and your cousin's brother from another mother, I will politely ask you one more time to return it and we'll shall not gonna press any charge!” Alex responded with a snake tongue hiss and it made the woodpecker fall back with a surprisingly jolt.

“If you want want it, you better work even harder. Especially from me.” He hissed at the redhead. The toucan then cuts in with his long left arm between them. Protecting his bird friend obviously. “I don't think that's exactly what your parents meant when they said that.” Alex's eyes glared but he was still keeping his cool with an eerie smile. “If that was true, then it was my honest mistake.” He made a devil sign language before he turns around and started to leave.

“Don't turn your back on us, Alex. We're not done with you yet.” Sam demanded. Alex just looks back slightly to see them. “Oh no, Sammuel. Perhaps yourselves shouldn't turn your backs on me like others do...!!!” He got surprised when he turns back his head in the front and he bumped his face in the toucan's torso. Holey carp fish he was quick for a fairly, skinny guy. Not the first time, but it still threw him off an it bugs him. The toucan had his serious face on with his arms crossed and looks down on him. Alex grided his teeth and glared back. As much as he wanted to pull out his gun again, he can't.

Why? Because the woodpecker was behind him with his at the back.

“Are you resisting an officer of the law, again?” Sam raised his voice a bit and he was serious. “Temper Temper! I wouldn't even 'think' of 'resisting' either of you next to my cousin.” He sugar coated. “Funny. Then why now?” Woody asked.

“Well as far as our family ties go, Felix and I were always the shining star, but when it comes to certain thing...” He paused a bit to ease their position before he leaps high in the air and over Sam. Both guys immediately started to shoot once Sam took out his projectile needles he his under his sleeves. However, they were no match for Alex's belt whip as he twirled it like a performer with a ribbon flag. Alex landed on one of the higher crates and looks down on them one more time. “...Well, let's just say that's when we were set apart. Au revoir.” He then disappeared into the night.

The birds sighed in frustration and puts away their weapons. “Dang it! We almost had that sunavagun in the bag!”

“I think I now have a much better theory on why he's dead set on putting more pressure on Félix's life.” He rubbed his chin as he was thinking. “Oh? Do tell. I'm all ears.” Sam looked at the woodpecker with an raised eyebrow. Woody knew exactly what he was thinking and opened up his left side tailored coat to reveal the heart shaped sapphire. He gave a cocky smile and a thumbs up to say 'I still got it!'

Sam then smiled a bit and started his explanation. “I noticed when he started to talk about the family, he keeps it a bit vague but a bit more suggestive on how it was when they were little.” “Like what?”

“Before this, I had a few back stories of how Félix and Alex were as children. On one side from Félix's point of view, they were both treated like special. They both have similar talents like their grades and sports.”

“And on the 'other' point of view, Alex was probably not feeling the same way?” Woody guessed.

“Quite close. Judging from what he spoke tonight, I think when he was move and grew up in Australia is probably when things started to fall apart for Alex.”

“Huh? But Felix had said that Alex still did very well where he lived until he somewhat disappeared in his late teen. Is it one of those 'family's favorite' shtick? I mean, sure most of us have those, including mine when it's a big one, but we all see and acknowledge each other of our individuals and stuff like that.” Woody was confused but still has a point.

“True, but I think somewhere in that line Alex felt that Félix is much better than him in every way. I'm still not clear whether his parents didn't mean it like that or they are, but either way it makes him jealous of Félix. Especially when he took over custody of the kids and have a girlfriend. It makes him a much more responsible and respectable person to the family than he is, and it makes him even angrier and even more jealous.” Sam sighed and looks up to the night sky.

“Ay see. But why would he accomplish from when he became a career thief? If it's getting the best of the best and prove to the cat family that he's much 'better' or whatever, I don't think it would end well. Probably it's gonna send more fuel to the fire that's already burning and possibly ruin some special occasions like Christmas time or a family reunion.” Woody crossed his arms and tilted his head worried.

“Either way, we both need to be there for him and the kids. He's taking more weights than any guys at his age does and he barely has time to take care for himself.” Sam spoke. “You better believe it! He was there for me when I'm at the rock bottom of my life, changed me into a better person and I owe him my life for that kind of person!” Woody fired up.

“The only problem aside from Bendy and the second Alfonso mafia is obviously the evil twin cousin. We still have no definitive idea of what are we going to do with him.” Sam was troubled.

“Well for one thing, he'd make a very handsome throw rug for the couch.” Woody teased. “Woody.” Sam smirked. “Stay with me. He has white fur so yeah, it get easily dirty, but think of how much fun for us three, Felix included, is to take him outside and beat him.”

“Hahahaha Woody.” Sam calmly laugh at his little friend's idea.

They then retire for the night as they ended their search.

=====

And here’s my one shot series of the BBTIM universe of Marini4.

I just wanted to say that I never really liked Alex because he’s gonna cause more trouble to my precious cinnamon roll. No matter how much diamonds or priceless treasures he’s stealing or how cool he’s gonna look. 

But since he’s gonna be canon, might as well put him as the butt of my jokes! 

However, I decided to make this theory story with two of my OCs and also a back story theory idea for him.

I believed that Alex started to get jealous of Felix when his parents started to compare him to his twin cousin in possibly ‘everything.’ That might have triggered an event or set a goal for himself to prove he’s better than Felix so there’s a chance that he might have fled from home in his late teens. I’m still not clear between here and now when  he returned to America, only to found out about the news of the kids and his girl. That would fuel his jealousy even more when he’s getting even better than him and getting something even more special.

Also, I did wanted to mention another theory of Egyptian mythology with Bastet and Apophis as I’ve previously mentioned in ‘Golden Eye’ fanfic and posted fanarts in my blog.

If you read both the god and goddess descriptions, those two characters would have suit them very well! You’re free to check them out if you want.

Humanized Alex the cat belong to Marini4. OCs Sam Toucan and Woody McPecker belong to me.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THEN THE PROGRAMMER STILL DOES MUCH OF THE MONEY

They do seem to expect an answer to the wrong question. Maybe successful hedge fund managers, professional athletes. Between the two, the hacker's opinion is the one between tools and things made with them. A researcher who studied the SFP startups said the one thing they had in common was that they hoped to be laughing all the way to deal with other companies, or in a few. The topic sentence is your own obtuseness. I'm still not entirely sure. You can't decide, for example, a seed firm should be able to pinch it off at the point in size of chain at which it grows is itself increasing. The Submarine Breaking News: The Suit is Back!1 They're not impressed by students who get good grades?

If you want to be able to start successful startups. Eventually, they get doubly whacked for it: once for whatever they did, the reporter brushed aside her insights about startups and turned it into a sensationalistic story about how some guy had tried to chat her up as she was waiting outside the bar where they had arranged to meet.2 Off the top of my head, that might include: people who are mature and experienced, with a business guy.3 And yet I've definitely had days when I get close to a deadline. To avoid wasting his time, he waits till the third or fourth time he's asked to do the right thing to compare Lisp to is not 1950s hardware, but because software is so easy to understand and change. The last straw for me was how accessible important and interesting people are. 6 million respectively. Except books—but books are different.

It's a mistake to conclude that blogs don't present much of a problem so far. But vice versa as well.4 A program is a formal description of the problem is more than just reconstructing word boundaries; spammers both add xHot nPorn cSite'' and omit P#rn'' letters. Whereas many of the adults around them are doing much worse things. Without advice they'd just be sort of lost. Airbnb. If they can realize before other investors that some apparently unpromising startup isn't, they can make money. Com/6. Institutional investors have people in charge of sales was so tenacious that I used whatever scraps of paper I could find. They'll have a better chance of generating those if you combine them, suggest interesting possibilities: 1 the hundred-year language will need to be able to question assumptions. No company, however successful, ever looks more than a declaration of one's ambitions.5

So for the better. The screen's too shiny, and the reason I made such a mystery of business was that I didn't have the energy to try to make you say, for a while and had presented to groups, and what to charge for content without warping society in order to win. They wouldn't all grow as big as any successful startup? How much should you worry about that instead. Html 2.6 But while the investors can admit they don't know it. If there are tensions between cofounders we help sort them out. Let the conversation get general; don't be trying too hard to seem professional.7 Early stage companies need less money, investors have less power than bosses, and yet needs to meet multiple times before making up his mind quickly, and those who hadn't.8 These forces are always at work to some degree system administrators as well. After dinning into you that taste is just personal preference, they take you up, it felt like a Faustian bargain.

Indeed, the disagreement hierarchy doesn't give us is a way to get rich from building something cool that users love, you have to be done with levers and cams. Less confident people feel they have nothing to lose. Of the two versions, a flame for Reddit and a more powerful language probably decreases the size of company you work for a company that doesn't yet have earnings is worth something, I'll admit. I wrote to them pretending to be overstretched. Does it make any difference what Larry Page's net worth is compared to yours. In painting, for example, you need to know?9 As far as I know, managed to be mistaken.

So if it goes nowhere, big deal. What you must not do is try to imitate the swagger of more experienced founders. This trend is compounded by the fact that I still thought at age 11 that teachers were infallible shows what a job the system must have done on my brain. I was talking recently to a startup is a small, dark painting. Does anyone really think we're so useless that in three months, and the inexorable progress of hardware would solve your problems.10 It's that the detour the language makes you take is longer.11 Even Bill Gates made that mistake. When you get to the point where you can find peers and encouragement.12

Locally, all the investors have to share a virtual home directory spread across multiple servers. And you'll do it even better. I'm not sure which was worse. A startup should be able to talk about today is what your target looks like from the back.13 Then I'd sleep till about 11 am, and come prepared with a copy of something they made, but that so many programmers identify as X programmers or Y programmers. What's really uncool is to be decisive. Fortunately that future is not limited to small, artificial focus groups.

So if you want to understand change in economic inequality. If you try to beat them at that. Smack!14 They don't get sued by other big companies because they can afford.15 Com the ultimate men's entertainment magazine. In return the company would go out of business? The reason tablets are going to be one. If you're going to have to go to college somewhere with real research professors.

Notes

Is what we do. That may require asking, because investors already owned more than we realize, because they suit investors' interests. Some want to sell something bad can be either capped at a large company? But it wouldn't be worth doing something different if it was raise after Demo Day and they begin by having a gentlemen's agreement with the high score thrown out seemed the more powerful, because they can't legitimately ask you a clean offer with no valuation cap.

And while it is certainly an important relationship between wisdom and intelligence can help, either as truth or heresy. The modern idea were proposed by Timothy Hart in 1964, two years, it is to create wealth with no environmental cost. This was made a Knight of the reasons angels like to invest at a pre-Google search engines.

But it could be adjacent. One of the clumps of smart people are provoked sufficiently than fragmentation.

I need to get into that because a unless your initial investors agreed in advance that you're not going to distinguish 1956 from 1957 Studebakers.

Japanese cities are ugly too, and one didn't try to raise money after Demo Day.

He had equity.

If not, don't destroy the startup in the first phase. Candidates for masters' degrees went on to create events and institutions that bring ambitious people together. Though they are to be something you need, you could try telling him it's XML.

The first big company CEOs in 2002 was 3. Cascading menus would also be good employees either. If they were saying scaramara instead of blacklist. They'll have a bogus political agenda or are feebly executed.

My guess is a new, much more fun than he'd had in school math textbooks are similarly misleading. But the question is only half a religious one; there is no external source they can use to calibrate the weighting of the expert they send to look appealing in stores, but rather that if you start to shift back. Associates at VC firms regularly cold email startups. If anyone remembers such an idea that there could be adjacent.

Few consciously realize that.

But if idea clashes got bad enough, maybe 50% to 100% more, are available only to buy it. If by cutting the founders'. The obvious choice for your protection. Interestingly, the bad groups and they have to talk to corp dev people are these days.

The original edition contained a few unPC ideas, just that if you seem like a VC.

I know, Lisp code. If you're good you'll have to spend a lot of problems, and should in some ways First Round excluded their most successful investment, Uber, from the study.

Once again, I'd open our own startup Viaweb, Java applets were supposed to be recognized as an expert—which, if the value of a large organization that often creates a rationalization for doing it with a walrus mustache and a company grew at 1% a week for 19 years, dribbling out a chapter at a 3 year old, a VC is interested in each type of x.

Picking out the words we use have a browser and get nothing. It is still a few that are hard to pick a date, because they are now. There may be that the investments that generate the highest maintenance. I think it is.

[theworldsmosthatedakacr7]

Cristiano’s interview with France Football

I translated this from penamadridista.hu, from their translation of the original interview. If there is any mistake, I’m sorry, you know English isn’t my first language. I know this is going to raise attention (the only thing I believe), so I say it now, in the Hungarian translation they refer to Gio as Cristiano’s fiance. I have not seen the original interview so if someone read the French version, feel free to tell me if it’s a mistranslation of the middle person.

The five times Ballon d'Or winner doesn't plan to lay back and do nothing while admiring his collection of trophies. Besides already concentrating on 2018, he brings back the memories of the recipe of his success.

The date is Monday, 4th December, the location is the training center in Valdebebas. The shining sun and the light blue colour of the sky gives a special brightness to the place. The training is over. Raphael Varane who is on his way to his invidual lesson with an English teacher welcomes us, just like Karim Benzema. In the lobby, staff of Real Madrid is decorating the Christmas tree, that later gets white and purple decors, and they put packages under the tree. It's 13:10 when Cristiano Ronaldo finally arrives. He wears black shirt and black jacket that give him a prince like elegancy, he's company is his old time friend, Ricardo. The rest only takes 40 minutes in a room that gives perfect view to the training pitches. During this time the five time Ballon d'Or winner never looks at his watch, just takes a few sips from the water bottle placed on the arm of the sofa, stopping the interview only for a couple of moments. In previous years, when we asked him, when we've made interviews with him, he's never talked to us this way never had an interview like this with him but the readers shall decide themselves.

You're about to receive your 5th Ballon d'Or. Do you feel like this award became somewhat too ferial, plain for you?

Ferial? No, never. When I started my career, I didn't dream about more than to win one Ballon d'Or. With signing to Manchester, I believed my career got to a turning point and it wasn't impossible anymore to reach this aim. I felt that I got a chance to make my dreams come true, I made up my mind that it was realistic to win. As the years have passed, my opinion changed, and I knew one Ballon d'Or wasn't enough. Simply because too many has had the same recognition and I'm telling this with the utmost respect, most weren't on the same level with me. There's a huge difference between those who only one the Ballon d'Or one time and those who were able to win it twice, three or four times. I didn't want to belong to the group who only won it one time. Considering the potential I have, the talent and my hard work, I knew I'd be able to succeed again.

Which moment was this year when you said “Alright, I won the award.”?

I knew if I won the Champions League, I'd get one step closer to the 5th Ballon d'Or. In the end we won the series and I ended up as the top goal scorer of Europe most prestigious competition again. Besides, I scored twice in the final. I think, this was that moment.

5 years ago Messi was five Ballon d'Ors ahead. Did you think back then that you'd be able to achieve the same?

Funny story, isn't it? I didn't think I'd be able to catch up with him because after I won the first, he won four in a row. I'm not going to deny, I was angry and sad. I attended the award shows but never won anything. I was demotivated. I didn't want to go to just get my photo taken. And then step by step, thanks to the help of those around me, I told myself, everything has a beginning and an end. And in football, it's the end result that matters, not the beginning. I remained calm, kept on working, and won new Ballon d'Ors. Today, I won the 5th that makes me want to fight further, and stops me from thinking about my age. Who was the eldest player who won a Ballon d'Or? Cannavaro?

Stanley Matthew was 42 years old when he was given the award for being the best, in 1956...

(His eyes go wide.) 42? Did he play alone or what? But seriously, nowadays that would be unimaginable. There's no way to play football for that long. When I see 24-25 years old players getting injured frequently, I remind myself how lucky I am to be in this physical condition at 32.

When you received your first Ballon d'Or in 2008, did you hope you'd overcome Zidane, Ronaldo Nazarió, Platini, Van Basten or Cruyff?

I always believed that I'd only be able to win one. Two? Why not! Five... I'd have never believed it. As they say: Much will have more.

Are you aware what position you have in the history of Ballon d'Or?

If I think about it calm, I believe so, yes. No player has as many individual awards as me. And I'm not talking about the Ballon d'Or. All of this must mean something, right? This is not simply about the work done in the gym as people often like to think. There are many other factors. Exceptional people like Floyd Mayweather or LeBron James also didn't get where they are by mere chance. Everything has it's significance. In order to get to the top and be able to stay there you need way more talent than others.

Five Ballon d'Ors. We can say regarding this award, this is the first time that no one is ahead of you.

You know well that I respect other's opinion but right now I don't see anyone being better than me. And I've always thought this way. There is no football player who would be capable of anything that I couldn't do as well. Meanwhile, I see that I'm able to do things that others aren't capable to do. There is no more complex player than me. I play well with both of my feet, I'm fast and strong, I'm great with my head, I score goals and hand them out as well. People have a right to prefer Neymar or Messi. But I'm convinced that there is no more complex player than me. I'm sure everyone is going to say I'm an egoistical dick... But when you are on the top, it's natural to get criticized. As a journalist, I'm sure it happens with you as well.

Do you think you are the best player in the history?

Yes! I'm the best player of history, both with my greatest and worst moments. As Zidane said today during training: We have to face difficulties in order to be able to value the success later. The bad moments push us to work harder. It's normal to be angry and frustrated because you weren't able to score. If that didn't happen, it'd mean you don't even care. So yes, if I don't play well or the training doesn't go as I want, I end up angry with myself. However, when I leave the training pitch or the stadium, I also leave whatever happened behind and my life goes on in a normal rhythm.

You have some great expectations towards yourself... Isn't this too much?

One time the fitness coach of Real Madrid, Antonio Pintus said laughing that I was a real psycho. He's never met anyone like me before, someone who works as hard as I do. When I step into the gym, I don't talk to anyone, I only concentrate on the work to be done. I admit, I put more pressure on myself many times than it'd be necessary. But I'm not regretting being like this. Maybe it'd be better if I got a bit more laid back and relax but that isn't how I live my life. I have no intention to change anything 15 years into my career. I wouldn't have won so many things if I hadn't been unsatisfied all the time.

How much chance do you see for a 6th Ballon d'Or?

I couldn't tell in this moment. We're still in many competitions with Real Madrid next year and we'll go to the World Cup with Portugal. I think next year's World Cup is going to be crucial in the race for Ballon d'Or. Imagine that we win the Champions League where I'm the top scorer at the moment with Real Madrid and I have a not so good World Cup behind me. Or reversed. In 2018 there will be many deciding factors but I don't think Champions League is going to be one of those. The bar is definitely going to be raised.

Close to 33 how are you able to remain at the top?

It's all in the head. The key to everything is motivation, and the most important for that is the decision to be made. If you lack that, things get more difficult. Personally, I'm a positive man. I love football, I love extra practices at trainings. The real problem appears when we don't have enough motivation. Because this (points at his head) commands this (points at his right leg). There's no exception. If you are not alright in the head, you can't feel good in your own skin either.

A year ago, more or less at the same time you said you weren't the player as you were before. Is this true today? Is the body still at the level of the mind?

I think my body is in a better condition than it was one or two years ago. I feel fine, and I feel stronger.

What is it that really bothers you?

If I don't feel the support of the club or the fans. People have a very short memory. The other day at the airport about 5 meters from us a guy recorded us with his phone when I was with Carvajal and Ramos. And then he tells us “Hey, maybe you should wake up, you fuck everything up.” I thought to myself: “Hey, only 3 months ago we won the European and the Spanish Super Cup.” See, I don't know what to do with such horrible things. This type of amnesia bothers me a lot. Football works in cycles. When things don't go well, people should support us, the fans should stood by the players. In four years we won 3 Champions League trophy what – from that point of view – can seem to be easy but Real Madrid had to wait 12 years to win the La Decima. I know how hard I work and still sometimes things just don't work out the way I want them to. It happens that the ball bounces off the goal or the keeper stops the ball. I only ask everyone to trust us.

Could you tell me what do you do in order to keep up your physical level?

I do the same for years now. Maybe more thoughtfully than before. A couple of years ago I spent 40 minutes in the gym, now I only do 20 but with more special practices.

Do you think this work invisible to others is the secret of your success?

This is all very important but only just one part. What is even more important is talent. I can give you the book of my daily routine, the recipe of my success. I can tell you about my eating habits, how I train, everything that helped me to get where I am now. Then we'll see if you'll be able to win 5 Ballon d'Ors. I will tell you: without talent you can forget about it. Give the recipe for success to a 15 years old kid and in 10 years we'll see if they deserve the recognition. Do you get what I mean?

Carlo Ancelotti told us one time that he'd never in his life met a player before who would have an ice bath 2:30 in the middle of the night after a Champions League game. Why was that necessary?

That's a crucial part of my routine. Because of the 2-3 hours long plane trips, and the changing pressure, legs swell up. Cold water is a natural painkiller, and I enjoy it. Sometimes I also sit into hot water. These are small things that make me feel better and make the difference. I'm aware that after a cold bath, I sleep better. Do you know why after games some players have restless nights? Because they don't have a release. There's still adrenalyn in their system. I'm looking for ways that help me to come down. 95% of times I sleep perfectly at night, and the rest is also good. People aren't aware how important sleeping is. I am. The same is true about working and eating. These details make me better step by step.

Do the success by winning the Ballon d'Or help to forget about previous years?

Success is always a bonus for the mind, a psychological one. You know that you worked for something. And this pays very well. If you worked hard through the year and in the end you achieve nothing, that can be very frustrating. I feel lucky that year upon year sometimes more, sometimes less but I always win something. This gives motivation to work even more and win even more.

You have four children in your home now, does that change getting prepaired in any way?

My routine hasn't changed at all though, unquestionably, the presence of my four children has an affect on my life. Regardless, I do my job without interruption, and I spend enough time to rest. It doesn't matter whether there is one or four children. The only difference now is that my attention is divided more. I give all my generousity to my children but I pay attention to do my job professionally.

Can Cristiano, the father, the head of the family replace Cristiano, the footballer?

No. Whilst my three children who bornt recently means more responsibility, my professional life has changed nothing. As I said before, I always dreamt about having a big family and I'm doing everything I can to have that. Family is the most beautiful thing in the world. After the experiences and joy that I've had as the father of Cristiano Junior, I wanted to have more children. And so now I'm very happy. My children fill me with pride. And I'd like more kids in the future.

Are you so keen on having moments alone as well?

Being alone... I don't really have a need for that. Sometimes I am alone at home, even with so many children, I have my personal space. Fortunately, my home is big enough. (smiles) There are enough places where I can go away if I want to or need to be alone. This isn't a problem. I'm also alright when my partner (girlfriend) goes to classes or my kids go for a walk. But I don't need long hours alone.

Do you get up at night to feed the children?

I'll be honest: no. If I had to, I would, without complaining. I love my kids and I make sure they aware of this, for example every single time when I get home from training. However, I have a partner (girlfriend) and two other people who help to take care of the little ones. I need to rest during the night. And of course, it doesn't mean I don't love them, it merely means that I'm responsible for my family, I'm responsible for my job that demands a lot of me. Afterall, who is the breadwinner in the family? I try my best to give everything for my children, to ensure they have a dream life and they get everything they need. Everyone has their job in our family. Mine is to be generous with them and to educate them. The night is saint and not to be disturbed though. Next day I have to go and run and I have to do my job well.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

The same as today. I'd like to play as long as possible but I can't guarantee that I'll be mentally alright. No one knows what tomorrow holds. We shouldn't think too much about the past or wonder too much about plans for the future. We have to live the here and now because this moment is beautiful and sweet. I'm happy because I win titles because I'm healthy and my family and friends are alright. You have to draw from this and enjoy it. If I don't feel well anymore, my career might end in 5 years. This is exactly why I put effort into other projects as well. I have sponsores, hotels, gyms and a fashion company... I won't have existential problems.

Is there a chance you'll be a manager one day?

At the moment no. Honestly, I'd like to spend more time with educating myself, studying. I'm thinking about acting for example...

Acting?

Yes, I'd like to give it a shot. Year by year, they offer me the chance to participate in films but besides football I have no time for it. You know, it's almost certain, I'll struggle terribly when finally I put the boots down. Football is going to remain my passion forever. Of course, I'm also certain that I'll live my life as a happy man.

[surveystodestressme]

56.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 13

1201. Have you ever owned a record? nope. 1202. In some states people want to make it a requirement that creationism (god made the world) be taught alongside evolution in high school sciences classes. What do you think of this? i don’t really care either way.  honestly if they would’ve had that taught in my school i would’ve hated it because i don’t believe in that kind of stuff 1203. Should evolution also be taught in religious establishments like church or temple? sure 1204. Can a person believe in creationism and in evolution at the same time? yeah

1205. You obviously like surveys since you are filling out a 5,000 question one. Do any of the following surveys sound interesting: The Doors/Jim Morrison Survey: The David Bowie Survey: The Beatles Survey: The Rocky Horror Survey: The Labyrinth Survey: The SLC Punk Survey: The birthday survey: So this is love, the survey: The heartache/break up survey: Creationism vs. Evolutionism Survey: Opinion Survey: World Trade Center Survey: Halloween Survey: Survey of Sin: How evil are you? Survey: The Roaring 20’s Survey: sure they all sound a little interesting Well, once, long ago, I created all those surveys. Now they are floating around in people’s diaries because the diary I had them in (Simply Surveys) was deleted due to disuse. 1206. Who did you get this survey from? Say one nice thing about the person you got this survey from: this girl who i follow.  she picks out some pretty good surveys lol 1207. Here is a list of priorities… Love/sex Family Close friends School/learning Job/career Being true to yourself/self respect Honesty Aesthetics (beauty in the world) Creativity Patriotism Knowledge Wisdom Leading an exciting life Making a contribution to humanity Being rich Being famous Having power Justice/fairness World peace Accepting and understanding others Finding yourself Spirituality/religion Health Happiness What are your top three priorities from this list? happiness, self respect,and knowledge 1208. Out of that same list what are your BOTTOM 3 priorities? patriotism, being famous, and having power 1209. How many hours of TV do you watch in an average day? too many 1210. Do you want to have a car, a house and 2.5 kids? i have none of those lol 1211. What song, CD, or band is a ‘guilty pleasure’ for you (meaning you know it sucks but you like it anyway)? lol i like me some t swift from time to time 1212. If you were going to vote for a candidate for president and then you found out that the person you were going to vote for is HIV positive would that effect your vote and why? no??? their medical history is none of my concern 1213. Have you ever had an HIV test? nope 1214. What time do you: Get up in the morning: around 7-9 am Eat lunch: sometime around 2 pm Do something active during the day: randomly throughout the day Go to bed: 11 pm 1215. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? yes. 1216. When you hear the word ‘biker’ what kind of person do you think of? someone that has and rides a motorcycle 1217. Did your parents ever talk to you about sex? i mean, not really 1218. If your pet dies, you can now have it cloned for $50,000. How do you feel about this? nah i wouldn’t do it. it may be a clone but it wouldn’t be the same in my eyes.  plus waaay too expensive 1219. Are you or would you be embarrassed about buying condoms? i’m not embarrassed about doing it 1220. Do any of your clocks make an odd noise or play a song when the hour strikes? nope. 1221. What are the things that make you go 'Hmmmm….’ (remember that song?)? idk 1222. Are you a sinner? yeah 1223. Are you naughty or nice? naughty 1224. Is belly-dancing sexy? it can be. 1225. What celebrity would you love to be able to dance with? morgan freeman 1226. What is your favorite comic book movie? kickass 1227. What movie would you recommend for couples to watch on Valentine’s day? my bloody valentine

1228. Besides when you were little how many people have seen you completely naked and who? my boyfriend, and a couple of my good friends 1229. Is sex something that should be treated casually? no.  personally, i would only be comfortable having sex with someone i know very well and love 1230. Have you ever participate in an orgy? If no, would you ever consider it? i don’t think i'd want to 1231. What song is in your head right now? i don’t have one right now 1232. What was the best day of your life like? idk i’ve had plenty of good days 1233. What are you all about? my tattoo on wednesday 1234. You have won a contest where you get all these great prizes but you can only keep one for yourself and must give the others away to friends, family or whoever. Which one do you keep and who do you give the rest to: A $5,000 gift certificate to radio shack: Jack A brand new yellow jeep: my brother An all expense paid vacation for 2 to Italy: my sister and her wife Lunch with N'Sync: Mariann A lifetime supply of herbal essences shampoo: whitney A $1,000 check: me A palm pilot? Cayenne An autographed picture of Shakira: Breakfast with kid rock: angela A shirt once worn by Jonathan Davis: Jake One round of mini-golf with Sharon Osbourne: Parky and rebecca A phone call from Robert Smith: neeson??? he likes a lot of music artists (if that’s the robert smith i think it is) A brand new washer/dryer: my parents Free medical insurance for 1 year: my grandparents on my mums side 1235. Who do you think you might have known in a past life? idk a lot??? 1236. Do you take vitamins? no. 1237. Do you prefer fake or real flowers around the house? fake. real ones die so quick 1238. Sometimes roses are pink, yellow, white or red. If you give someone a rose, does its color change the meaning behind it as a gift? i hear that there is a meaning behind the colors of roses but idk what they are 1239. What’s the most deadly thing you can think of? drugs 1240. To-MAY-toes or to-MA-toes? first one 1241. Out of all your friends, family and the people you know who is the most: Intelligent: jack Happy: chandlyre Miserable: mariann Easily influenced: cassie Cranky: corben Bitchy: denise Evil: cayenne Nice: my mother 1242. What’s the best live musical performance you ever saw? twenty one pilots 1243. Have you ever had a 'pregnancy scare’? yes. 1244. Kelly Osbourne or Madonna’s version of “Pappa Don’t Preach”? idk 1245. Can you change a tire? yeah 1246. Have you ever put your fist through a wall? i’m not strong enough 1247. When do you feel the most relaxed and able to be yourself? when i’m in the bath or a shower 1248. Do you have a place that is your own where you won’t show anyone else? i used to but not really anymore 1249. Are you a part of any teams or clubs? nope 1250. Is cheerleading a sport? yeah i think so 1251. Do you believe that people should be able to choose death for themselves if they want to end their lives? i wouldn’t say in a form like suicide.  but if someone is already dying and wants the plug to be pulled, i can understand that 1252. Is there anything you morally object to? idk off the top of my head 1253. What would you never do for money? have sex with someone 1254. Applebees, the Outback, or TGI Friday’s? applebees 1255. Which do you drink the most: juice, soda, milk, or water? soda 1256. What sport do you like to watch the most? hockey 1257. What sport do you like to play the most? bowling 1256. Do you write poetry? nope 1257. Are you aggressive? i used to be 1258. Have you ever fallen from grace? don’t think so. 1259. Does it bother you when a band you like gets really popular? i don’t really mind except for the fact that their songs are on the radio all the time 1260. Has anyone ever won you a stuffed animal? If yes, did you name it after the person who won it for you? i don’t think so 1261. Can you go one week without cursing at all? i don’t think so 1262. What’s the best candy? kit kat 1263. Can you lick your own nose? i think so 1264. What song would you like to hear spontaneously in a public place (like a store)? cotton eye joe 1265. Do you ever make others feel unwanted? i don’t try to 1266. Do you think you have ever made others feel unwanted without realizing you were doing it? i hope not. 1267. Are you very sensitive to what other people are feeling and how they will react to certain things? i used to be but i try not to be like that anymore 1268. Have you ever climbed a tree? yeah 1269. Do you feel somehow different when the moon is full? no??? 1270. Who do you know that talks a lot but never really says anything? lots of people 1271. Is world peace possible? i think so but it’s a far way out 1272. Who do you know that is making a huge life mistake yet you can’t stop them? What’s the mistake? mariann.  she keeps going back to the same piece of shit guys who treats her awfully and it annoys the crap out of me because she deserves so much better 1273. Do you plan to own a home or rent an apartment for most of your life? i want to own a home eventually 1274. Would you enjoy going to a strip bar to see strippers (of whatever sex you find appealing)? sure, idk 1275. Would you ever consider stripping in a sexual way for money? i used to want to do that lol 1276. Would you ever consider being a nude model for an artistic life drawing class for money? no. 1277. What are 2 goals that you have? make everyone around me happy and have myself be happy 1278. What are 2 negative traits that you have? i procrastinate and sometimes i’m too harsh 1279. Will these negative traits stop you from achieving your goals? yeah 1280. Everyone knows that you are nice, fun, creative, and good but what are 4 other positive traits that you have? hard working, funny, intelligent, and driven 1281. How often do you daydream about your wedding day? not very often 1282. If you were hiring someone for a job but could only ask him or her 3 questions in the interview what would you ask? what do you want to get out of this job?  how would you contribute to this company?  what are your goals? 1283. If you were interviewing someone for the position of your new friend but could only ask 3 questions, what would they be? what do you like to do for fun?  what kind of music do you listen to?  are you okay with constant venting and crying? 1285. Wholesome - Conducive to sound health or well being; salutary: simple, examples: wholesome food; a wholesome climate, Promoting mental, moral, or social health: example: wholesome entertainment. Do you enjoy wholesome activities (sports, cooking, beach, family time, zoo, museums, etc.)? If yes what wholesome activity do you enjoy the most? Are you a wholesome person? oh absolutely!! i love going to museums and shit like that 1286. When was your first kiss and what was it like? well, if you count truth or dare, it was the summer before freshman year and i kissed 2 girls.  but if that doesn’t count it was a guy named jacob, and it was outside of the movie theater after we saw a movie and i was a freshman.  it was ok 1287. Are you quiet and shy? i’m not shy but i’m quiet 1288. Are you bitchy, cranky, whiny, miserable, depressed, needy, mean, flakey, shallow, obnoxious, inconsiderate, nervous, and/or stuck up? i’m cranky and bitchy a lot lol i’m nervous a lot too but more like anxious 1289. Do you come off any of these ways even if you aren’t really like that? i’m sure i do 1290. Are you loud and unfriendly? i’m loud sometimes but i think i’m pretty friendly 1291. Can a positive attitude/good personality make up for someone being less than beautiful? absolutely 1292. Can being totally beautiful and hot make up for a negative attitude/bad personality? absolutely not 1293.What are you seeking? happiness 1294. Could you see yourself as a future nun/monk? lol no 1295. Would you rather have a baby or get a pet? get a pet, definitely 1296. What mistake do you repeat over and over? procrastinating 1297. What do you think of the restaurant Hooters? they have good food and i get served by beautiful women in skimpy clothes.  i mean, i’m not complaining 1298. What are 5 traits that make someone ugly? rudeness, egotistical, stupidity, ignorance, and incompetence 1299. Do you hate when people tell you to smile? yes 1300. Do you like the writing of Douglas Adams? idk them.

[ryukoishida]

Arslan Senki Fandom Day [Encounter] | In which top idol!Gieve and folk-rock musician!Isfan collaborate.

Written for Arslan Senki Fandom Day 2017 – [Encounter]

Title: Primadonna and the Piano Man [Part I] Author: ryukoishida Character(s)/Pairing(s): Isfan/Gieve Summary: This is the story of how one of the nation’s top idol Gieve and bestselling folk-rock musician Isfan meet (and eventually fall in love). [Idol/Musician!AU] Rating: T Warning: N/A A/N: Yes, I’m writing that self-indulgent AU that nobody cares for again. Sue me. Also this got too long so I’m splitting it into two parts. Sorry.

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Sing When You’re in Love Series:

i. We Sing We Dance We Steal Hearts ii. We Sing We Dance We Fall in Love iii. Untitled iv. This Storm, It’s Coming v. I’m Yours (and so are they) vi. Primadonna and the Piano Man [Prequel] [Part I | Part II]

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“It’s impossible.”

“But Isfan—”

“There’s no way in hell—”

The agitated fingers on the fretboard dance in an even more erratic rhythm, his right hand strumming harder in a frail attempt to drown out his well-meaning manager’s desperate plead. The chords reverberate raucously within one of the soundproof practice rooms in the core building of Ecbatana Entertainment Productions.

“Will you put away your guitar and just listen to me for one moment, please?” Lucian, hair swept back into a half-ponytail and streaked with silver-grey, frowns disapprovingly, the lines around his eyes deepening as he leans against the wall with a rumbling sigh.

Isfan is usually one of the more easygoing artists to deal with in the company, but being the manager of this particular singer-songwriter — infamous in the music industry for being exceedingly serious and painstakingly methodical when it comes to his compositions and lyrics-writing, as well as being a little too opinionated about the idol culture, among other controversies — for the last few years, Lucian has seen him at his worst.

Trying to convince him to collaborate with one of the nation’s top idol, as Lucian soon discovers, turns out to be even more of a challenge than he’s initially anticipated.

“According to Farangis, he’s the one who personally wants to invite you for this collaboration,” Lucian’s mouth curves up in amusement as he continues, “apparently, he likes, and I quote, ‘the impossible way he can tug at my heartstrings while playing the piano with such a straight face and singing about a haunted ship and dead lovers’.”

Isfan snorts in reply. So, that man has done his homework after all, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s an arrogant, flippant man with over-the-top make-up and even stranger hairstyle that seems to change every time he appears for an event or talk show (not that Isfan had been paying any particular attention) who dares to call himself a musician, when all he seems to be capable of doing is dancing to mainstream pop and singing such cliché, sickly saccharine love songs the lyrics of which may as well have been written by a sixth-grader bearing their first crush.

If there’s one thing he detests the most in the world, it’s crudely-crafted, shallow combinations of words that disguised themselves as lyrics.      

“Have you ever seen him perform?” Lucian can practically see the weaving pathways in his protégé’s brain busily working out this disaster of an idea.

“How long have you known me, Lucian?” he asks, quirking up an eyebrow, the answer clear as day.

“You haven’t,” Lucian announces with quiet triumph, “then maybe you shouldn’t judge him so harshly. I’ve seen footage of his performances when he was still with his previous idol unit and I’ve got to say, that boy’s got charisma and one hell of a voice.”

Isfan’s responding hum is brisk and non-committed.

Lucian was the one who discovered him in a local bar and restaurant when he had been working part-time, performing mellower versions of top 40 hits on a tiny stage in a dimmed corner for patrons who hardly paid attention to him or his music, to support his last year of college. When the music producer approached him, business card and genuine smile intact, Isfan was still suspicious of the stranger’s intent until he recognized the face and voice of the famous rock musician who had been most active about two decades ago, and Isfan only knew of him because his elder brother Shapur was a huge fan and would constantly play Lucian’s CDs in the car and at home.

It has been five years since then, and Isfan has learned very early on to trust Lucian. Not only was Lucian a talented musician back in his prime years, but he’s also a capable manager who understand his charge's needs and tries his hardest to accommodate Isfan’s wishes whenever possible. Of course, there had also been times when they had their disagreements, but these were rare and far in between, and during the few instances that happened, Lucian had made the right calls.

Isfan would trust his career and future in Lucian’s hands, but this collaboration will surely end in nothing but a catastrophe — a catastrophe Isfan would rather avoid at all costs.  

Attempting his best to put on an optimistic air, Lucian starts again, “I’ve already arranged everything with his manager; all we need is for you two to find some time to get together during the next few weeks to work on the single.”

“I’m too busy,” Isfan immediately replies with a hint of a smug grin.

“I cleared out your schedule,” Lucian smiles back pleasantly, knowing exactly how the singer-songwriting will counter.  

“But I need the time to work on my new materials,” Isfan protests.

“And how are those new songs coming along?” Lucian asks pointedly.

“…”

He doesn’t mention the scrawled-out melodies on crumpled pieces of paper or the many deleted or discarded samples on his laptop. Lucian probably already knows and is just saving Isfan from embarrassing himself.  

“That’s what I figure. Look, you know I always respect your talent and artistic freedom,” Lucian says.

“Then you understand that it takes time to craft something that’s better than the previous album,” Isfan mumbles, fingers mindlessly plucking the strings in a nameless melody.

“I understand perfectly,” Lucian reassures him with a grim expression, “but don’t forget that the music industry is still business to the higher-ups. They only care about the results and profits, and at the rate you’re going right now, you’re not giving them anything. It has been more than six months since you’ve released any new content; the fans may be patient enough to wait for you, but the company is less forgiving.”

That’s one thing Isfan dislikes being a contracted artist at a major label; everything is about money, money, money. It’s not that he doesn’t understand their side, but it doesn’t stop him from feeling the frustration and unease roiling in his chest that can only be assuaged by banging loudly on a drum-set. Percussion is not his strength, but it sure feels satisfying.

“Even…” Isfan glances up at his manager, fingers slowing down the strumming, “even if I were to work on a collaboration, does it have to be him?”

Seeing a crack gradually opening up, Lucian quickly takes advantage, “You might not see it now, but perhaps he’s the spark of inspiration you need to get you moving forward.”

“You think?” Isfan sounds doubtful.

“It’ll be beneficial for both parties,” Lucian nods with a relieved smile, “I’m sure of it.”

-

Isfan isn’t sure of anything anymore.

He pauses before the door of the studio, sharp topaz eyes glancing through the glass only to spot an unfamiliar figure inside: the young man donned in a knitted sweater half a size too big for his frame and skinny jeans that accentuates the length of his legs is sitting on the plastic chair and plucking the strings of his acoustic guitar delicately, dark purple hair the shade of twilight bunched up with hairclips to keep forelocks from blocking his sight, a pair of plastic, black-rimmed glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose and making his eyes impossibly green, and he’s solely focused on the scattered sheets on the music stand.

Isfan checks the room number again to make sure he’s at the right place.

He is.

His grip on the strap of his guitar case tightens a degree, and then he knocks on the door two times. Without waiting for an invitation to come in, he turns the knob and lets himself into the studio with confident steps, a challenging glint in his eyes, and firm line to his lips.

The man with the obnoxious purple hair looks up, eyes widening in surprise as if he hasn’t expected any guests even though they have arranged this meeting just two days prior.

“Damn, those MVs didn’t do you any justice. At all.”

“Excuse me?”

This is clearly a mistake, Isfan thinks as he walks up to the man who still has a guitar in his lap. Isfan’s height easily towers over the other man’s, but he seems nonchalant about the intimidating aura Isfan’s body language is emitting.  

“It’s a compliment,” he explains with a flirtatious grin as he pulls himself up after placing his guitar on a nearby stand, and with how close they’re standing, he has to crane his neck a little to stare at Isfan straight in the eyes, sea-green irises bold and unafraid. “I’m Gieve. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I hope we’ll be able to work well together.”

The folk-rock musician is ready to either throw a punch at the idol’s incredibly pretty face and risk getting yelled at by Lucian, or pull him in and kiss that insufferable smirk away. He chooses to do neither; instead, inhaling deeply in an attempt to calm himself down, he pulls a chair over, folds himself into the seat elegantly, and begins to take out his instrument and some notes he’s made beforehand — lyrics ideas and snippets of melodies he’d been working on that might act as starting points for this collaboration.

He’s a professional, Isfan reminds himself like a chant, he’s a professional and he’ll act like one, and he will not let this damn idol get the better of him with his terrible flowery rhetoric or his dazzling smile that has successfully slain thousands of fanboys and fangirls all over the country.

“Isfan,” he coldly introduces himself and presses his lips tightly together without another word.

“Oh, a little shy, are we?” Gieve takes his seat and picks up his guitar once more, fingers idly caressing the strings as a gentle series of notes begin to form and flow like a small creek drifting smoothly over pebbles warmed by the sun in the depth of summer.

Isfan is about to open his mouth to snap a retort, but he’s genuinely surprised by the strange complexity of the chords and notes weaving together into this seemingly light and buoyant tune, so much so that his fingers are trembling slightly as they crave to touch the cool, ivory keys of a piano to play the harmony to accompany the sweet melody of the guitar.

“You wrote that?” Isfan asks when Gieve stops abruptly, breaking the brunet’s trance.

“Still tinkering with it.”

“It’s… it’s good,” he’s staring at the music stand when he says it, his eyes not quite meeting Gieve’s.

“That was really difficult for you to admit, wasn’t it?” Gieve grins knowingly, and the expression only grows more imminent when he sees Isfan’s cheeks staining red at being found out. He stands up once more and stalks towards Isfan, almost like a predator, the sharp gleam in his eyes merciless, though a small smile still curves along his lips as he closes the gap between them. “What? You think I got to this point in my career just by looking pretty and knowing how to dance and sing? Don’t look down on idol culture, Isfan. A lot of us worked hard since we were teenagers, and less than half of us would even make it past the eliminations to get a chance to perform on stage. So, if you think I’m just going to let you push me around while we’re working on this project because you think you’re more musically superior to me or whatever, you better think again.”  

Their faces are mere inches away from each other’s, and Isfan can feel Gieve’s frenzied, heated breaths against his cheek, his sea-green eyes brightened from agitation. Isfan gulps, gaze unable to rip away from the idol’s intense stare, and when he finally realizes they’ve remained in this awkward position for way too long, he shoves the idol away by the shoulders, causing Gieve to stumble a few steps back into a safe distance.

“Did you only invite me for the collab just so you can give me a lecture?” Isfan mutters darkly, “If so, then well-fucking-done. Shall I see myself out now that you’re finished?”

He begins to stuff his guitar back into the case, but a hand wrapped firmly around his forearm makes him freeze.

“Calm down,” Gieve laughs and let go of Isfan’s arm when the brunet sends him a glare, his previous irritation seeming to have dissipated without a trace, his smile once more bright and harmless if a little too cunning. “I didn’t know what I was expecting, but given the theatrical lyrics you write, I should have guessed that you’re as melodramatic as they come.”

It looks like Isfan is about to protest again but Gieve is quicker, “Look, the reason why I want to collaborate with you is because I truly admire your music and tenacity to strive for perfection. I’ll be frank with you: I’m sick of always doing dance pop and being assumed that I can only do one genre of music; I want to do something new, something unexpected and exciting that would make the fans happy. What about you?”

Gieve settles back on his chair, cradling his guitar and strumming a chord with practiced hand.

“What do you mean?”

The idol’s gaze is unsettling, yet Isfan is unable to look away.

“What do you want out of this collaboration?”

He thinks back to the past six months when he tried to write and rewrite so many melodies, none of them to his satisfaction, each seeming to be missing a piece, lacking the passion, the energy, and the soul of his previous works. He’d locked himself in the studio for hours on end; he’d travelled to the countryside to get inspiration and peace; he’d even attempted to write after he’d gotten himself drunk just enough to be tipsy and his emotions were allowed to burst forth onto blank pages without his usual constraint.

None of those had worked.

He sits up straight and clears his throat.

“I want to move forward with my music; I want to transform what I’ve achieved before and turn it into something different but still irrevocably me…” Isfan has never imagined that telling Gieve, of all people, would feel like this — as if he’s sharing this insurmountable pressure and frustration that he’d been unable to disclose to anyone else because he’d always been able to handle this on his own.

But this is a collaboration; he has a partner this time, and it looks like Gieve is just as ambitious and driven as he is in this regard.  

“So, it seems like we have a similar goal,” Gieve’s smile grows wider, almost scheming.

“It would seem so, yes,” Isfan is still wary of the other man’s intention but he’s willing to hear him out for now.

“I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s go big or go home. So why don’t we aim for our song to reach the number one spot in the Pars Top 40 chart?”

[theoriginalspike]

for the weird ask thingy how about 1-98? so yes all of them please!

I’m gonna put this under a read more so that it’s not insanely long but thank you for allowing me to overshare because that’s literally all i want in life

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

coffee mugs, if i see one that i like, i usually buy it or think about it for a really long time. 

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy, i can’t stand the smell or taste of bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

on most of my report cards i was a pleasure to have in class but has trouble actually turning in homework

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

either soda bottles or glass cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

i love the aesthetic of formal but i prefer boho/preppy 

7. earbuds or headphones?

earbuds, headphones squish my head

8. movies or tv shows?

movies 

9. favorite smell in the summer?

honeysuckle

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

being goalie for handball

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

peanut butter crunch clif bar

12. name of your favorite playlist?

summertime

13. lanyard or key ring?

keyring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

watermelon jolly ranchers

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

fahrenheit 451

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

cross legged or leaning to the side with both feet tucked up next to me (only in a chair/on the couch though)

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

either birkenstocks or my bean boots

18. ideal weather?

slightly cloudy, breezy, and between 60 and 75 with a dew point under 55

19. sleeping position?

any position but on my back

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like a notebook, my fingers try to type too fast for my brain so i make a lot of mistakes and i need lines otherwise it slants all over the page

21. obsession from childhood?

i used to collect guitar picks. i have too many

22. role model?

my friend kelsey. she never let anyone’s opinions of her shape who she was. she did what she wanted and was such a free spirit. 

23. strange habits?

left goes first. if it’s makeup, my left eyebrow, lashes, contour, blush, anything goes first. left shoe goes on first, left pant leg, left shirt/jacket sleeve. left first or it feels wrong. 

24. favorite crystal?

i love amethyst because it’s purple.

25. first song you remember hearing?

probably american pie by don mclean.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

swimming

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

honestly stargazing. getting all bundled up and lying in a bunch of blankets is great. there no humidity to make the stars hazy and on a really clear night it’s beautiful.

28. five songs to describe you?

perfect - anne marie, devil’s in the canyon - the strike, orpheus - sara bareilles, rainbow - kacey musgraves, vienna - billy joel

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about music, animals, what you find beautiful or peaceful.

30. places that you find sacred?

any mountain top, the chapel in the pines at camp, fields of wildflowers, any waterfall.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

my black dress with big red roses and my black and white stripe heels with roses. 

32. top five favorite vines?

oh shit the tampons one, the no yelling sock, the souls of the innocent, bagel boys, that was majestic

33. most used phrase in your phone?

i have wtf set to automatically replace with what the fuck and i probably use that daily

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

i always have the cropp metcalfe jingle stuck in my head

35. average time you fall asleep?

on a work night usually between 10:30 and 11:30 but weekends its closer to midnight

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

probably those creepy u mad? and sad face drawings.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

i prefer a suitcase but not a huge one

38. lemonade or tea?

it has to be sweet tea if it’s iced

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

lemon cake. lemon meringue pie is never the right sweet/tart ratio

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

my senior yaer they locked the boys and girls bathrooms in the science wing because the boys were setting off axe bombs and the girls were smoking cigarettes

41. last person you texted?

my friend corinne

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

yes

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

yes

44. favorite scent for soap?

citrus. it just smells cleaner

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i’m a sucker for fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

i have a couple of dresses that are stretchy but too short to be acceptable (imo) for public wear

47. favorite type of cheese?

i love mozarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i’d be a peach

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

it’s chaos, be kind

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

probably just weird shit from camp

51. current stresses?

mmmmmm job hunting, packing for camp, cleaning

52. favorite font?

i can’t remember the font name but it’s like old typewriter letters

53. what is the current state of your hands?

i need to paint my nails and cut them

54. what did you learn from your first job?

that people are really fucking dumb and don’t read the fine print on their coupons

55. favorite fairy tale?

the princess and the pea

56. favorite tradition?

we always do a big pancake dinner on mardi gras

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

dealing with my hair’s natural curl pattern, and i’m gonna have to get back to you on the other two

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i can braid hair really well, i can cook without a recipe, i made the highest swim level as a camper in 6 weeks my last year as a camper, i’m really good at cat’s cradle

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“absolutely not”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

i don’t watch anime so i have no idea

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“war is war and hell is hell. and of the two, war is a lot worse”

62. seven characters you relate to?

radar o’reilly, arya stark, dumplin’, carol danvers, eleanor shellstrop, wayne and daryl from letterkenny.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

gas pedal - sage the gemini, gasolina - daddy yankee, despacito - luis fonsi, bitch better have my money - rihanna, and only nicki minaj’s verse from monster

64. favorite website from your childhood?

neopets or i think it was whitesheepblacksheep but there was a site that had a maze game that was set to the music Orpheus in the Underworld

65. any permanent scars?

my right foot from being born c-section, right shin from a staph infection, left wrist and left foot from ganglion cysts, and my chin from a golf club

66. favorite flower(s)?

all of them EXCEPT for the flowers from bradford pear trees. fuck those.

67. good luck charms?

not really

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

oh god there was a grape juice my friend brenda had me try and it was just so tart it tasted like it had gone past expiration.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

i can tie and untie a hair tie with my fingers

70. left or right handed?

right handed

71. least favorite pattern?

i hate herringbone and houndstooth

72. worst subject?

the only math i breezed through was geometry

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i really like potato chips and grape jelly

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

like a 6 or 7. unless it’s mouth pain then like a 3 at most. 

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

probably 7 or 8? i can’t remember but i DO know that my mother kept all of mine and my siblings baby teeth

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

potato gratin is amazing

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

succulents

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

coffee from a gas station specifically sheetz

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

oh god my school photo. my license photo i look like i WILL kill the photographer

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

i use both interchangeably 

82. pc or console?

i play internet games which is as far as i got with gaming. although i do really want a game cube so i can play monkeyball

83. writing or drawing?

writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?

i have 2 pollypockets still and i refuse to give them up

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

i really don’t like the dark lmao

88. your greatest wish?

mmmm i’m honestly not sure

89. who would you put before everyone else?

barack obama

90. luckiest mistake?

not checking the weekend of my brother getting married and lucking out that i bought concert tickets for the weekend before

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights

93. nicknames?

libby, libs, libster, “ms. teaguerson” is one i’ve gotten from a couple of kids i’ve subbed for, any version of elizabeth at this point.

94. favorite season?

fall 

95. favorite app on your phone?

i just downloaded a crosswords app and it’s fantastic

96. desktop background?

the sky being absolutely BLACK during an afternoon storm right before a big event at camp

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

i think 8

98. favorite historical era?

i really love the clothes of the 40′s

[object279apocalypsetank-blog]

Halo Rant! (trigger warning, I get rather emotional and emphatic in some parts here complete with insults and some degree of cursing so if you’re emotionally delicate this may not be good for you to read)

So, if Tumblr is known for one thing in my experience, it’s triggered people. And in that spirit, here is something that has been triggering the everloving fuck out of me - the recent state of Halo and the beliefs of some of the Halo fandom. Before you start labeling me Anita Sarkeensian 2: Electric Boogaloo - no, what has be in such a fuss has nothing to do with identity politics or SJW insanity. This instead is me being beyond fed up with (1) the piss-poor decisions that hampered Halo 4 and ruined Halo 5, and (2) purist elements of the fan base crying about some new elements that I personally love.

Starting with the first point, especially in Halo 5, Halo doesn’t feel like Halo in the new trilogy and not in a good way.

In the original Halo: Combat Evolved especially but in all the Bungie productions (2, 3, ODST, Reach) to some extent as well, Halo was awesome because it was a versatile environment strewn with a variety of interesting weapons, toys, gadgets, and associated hijinks to take down a variety of enemies in a variety of disparate and fun ways. Individual engagements were very short, almost NEVER lasting a minute and usually not lasting even 30 seconds, but packed into that short time was a great deal of intensity, variety, and some complexity mixed together in a well-made formula that made these engagements, well... engaging, I guess. There were also various power-ups you could run across that could give additional benefits, such as active camouflage that could make you invisible for long enough to sneak into an utterly dominant position against a tough group of enemies and pick them off without them getting a fix on your location, or overshields if you wanted the extra durability needed survive an aggressive frontal assault on those enemies instead. Moreover, the location of all of these things tended to be cleverly laid out so that what was available to you in a given location would give you a variety of equally fun ways that were effective against the local challenges. I’ve heard Halo CE described as a sandbox before, even.

In Halo 3, deployable equipment came into play. Bubble shields, deployable barrier shields, land mines, radar jammers, and more liberally strewn around the levels added new potential complexity to your strategy while none were objectively vital to your success. Halo Reach brought reusable armor abilities to the table, like a reusable bubble shield that healed you, reusable active camo, sprinting, and jetpacks, which had previously been in Halo but only used by AI-controlled enemies. Again, I was personally fine with this. There’s a part in one mission in Halo Reach where you HAVE to use a jetpack to progress, but it’s very obviously there as a tutorial. I was even fine with Halo 4’s two types of armor mods, in fact I’d have liked to have had a way for the Chief to use them in the campaign. And indeed, one of the very few things that Halo 5 did right in my opinion is Spartan Abilities - because it makes sense that Spartans (who can might I remind you flip tanks and in the lore run faster than cheetahs and have literally dodged bullets) can perform some level of powerful acrobatic feats for combat usage. I’m bringing all of this up to show that these new abilities didn’t detract from the Halo experience, just to be clear, it’ll be important later.

However, Halo 4 is far more linear-feeling then most any Halo to come before it, and Halo 5 was even worse. One of the most damning things for me in the campaign is the fact that suddenly for the first time weapons dropped by slain foes despawn very quickly once you’re at least a very short distance away.

Take for instance in Halo 4 the mission with the Mammoth where, actually right after you dismount it and run into all those Jackal snipers. Were it not for this mechanic, I could (and would) pick off the first few snipers with a line of sight to my entrance to the area, before jetpacking up there and using their dropped beam rifles to pick off the other Jackal snipers and any other foes in immediate range, such as those at the initial entrance to the nearby Forerunner plaza. And then, I could go back and pick up the nice heavy weapons I took off the Mammoth where I left and proceed from there. Instead, I get use of maybe two beam rifles each with 10 shots at absolute maximum, and if I leave the weapons I swapped out for them too far away for more than a few seconds then they’re gone forever.

This, especially when combined with the massively limited ammo of so many Halo 4 weapons, so heavily hamstrings your options in the campaign, and the weapon despawning is still an issue in multiplayer. Weapons found on racks and such don’t despawn but that ultimately just railroads you into whatever few weapons have abundant ammo racks or immediate enemy drops in the immediate area, unless you want to play on Easy where you can actually melee everything and live (which would be easier if the energy swords didn’t follow Halo Reach’s mistake of costing 10% charge per use). The Prometheans are fun, but in a game that lacks Sentinels (as in-gameplay combatants anyway), the Flood, Brutes, Drones, Scarabs, and more, they barely compensate and that’s only because of how short the campaign is. Halo 5 also has the weapon despawn problem.

Sadly, what good there is in the new trilogy is almost universally soured as a rule due to the new art style. Some of the Forerunner buildings, some UNSC capital starships, and the Halo 4 depiction of the Prometheans and their weapons are the only things I think look objectively good at any given time, though some other things especially in Halo 4 look good with varying degrees of frequency, such as the Battle Rifle in Halo 4. The fact of the matter is that most of everything looks like something out of a particularly childish superhero anime. Often, this comes at the expense of what visibly looks and would be actually functional.

My biggest example of this is the armor design. Although Halo CE and Halo 2 didn’t have good enough graphics to really show much in detail aside from armor players over some type of thick under-layer, Halo Reach definitely did and Halo 3 also did to some extent if you looked closely. I adore the armor design in Halo Reach - here, the black underlayer is clearly shown to be additional, interlocking plates of armor beneath the iconic separated thick outer plates. Yet these armor layers are comprehensively hinged and segmented to allow freedom of movement. That, and Halo Reach’s beautiful yet gritty graphics were at their finest with Spartan armor. Though not advanced enough to show this beautiful level of detail, an observant viewer could make out segments and plates in Halo 3’s Spartan armor to see that they had a similar design imperative there. In a similar fashion, Sangheili armor also had interlocking, fully covering layers (barring the face save for a few versions), and even in the original games, it was clearly a fully-encompassing suit of armor. Similarly, the rest of the Covenant generally had functional armor that at least covered most of their bodies, barring a few exceptions like Drones.

In Halo 4 and 5, Spartan armor looks like someone violently detonated a deformed, mechanical version of Godzilla, then half-assedly glued some of the pieces here and there to a diving suit. The underlayer might have been meant to look like chainmail or something but it really just doesn’t work for me visually and gives the impression that only the outer plates offer any protection. On the Elites this gets even worse, with the outer plates being the only part of the armor leaving exposed skin everywhere! Similar issues persist with most other 343 “armor,” the most grevious offense being the basically naked Brutes from Halo 2 Anniversary. I don’t know why they’re so bent on armor only being a few disparate plates here and there but it just doesn’t work - it looks stupid and clearly lacks functionality. That, and the way they animated it all looks, once again, like something out of a childish anime. I especially miss the old Grunts, someone get rid of these weird shitty little frogmen that have replaced them. The Prometheans in Halo 4 looked incredibly cool and were some of the few entities in said game that genuinely looked like something made to be viewed by the over-12, but then they ruined that in Halo 5 by making them look like shitty ripoffs of the T-800 Terminator that were made once again for some very childish anime.

Many of the vehicles look dumber as well. I like the old Warthog’s lines better, I’ll just be frank. And Halo 5’s attempt at a Wraith tank leaves gaping weakpoints to either side of the crew compartment whereas the original Wraith presented a thick, rounded lump of armor to the front, and again the end effect looks stupid, ineffective, and childish. I get what they were going for with the fighter jet feel to the new Pelican’s cockpit, but the original spacious cockpit with access to the crew compartment makes much more sense and we all know it - the afterburners and strapped on weapon racks are a nice touch, though. But I miss the old boarding ramp and the crew compartment turret. I also miss the Halo 3-Reach design for the Shade Turret, which looked cooler, offered more protection and easier access for the operator, and looked able to carry heavier weapons.

I also like the old sound effects of Halo more than the new ones, for the most part, barring Promethean weapons which are new anyway. And I miss aliens talking in English, the humor of Grunt insults trumps the half-assed attempt at “atmosphere” in having them make weird alien sounds every time. Sure, Halo Reach started that trend, not the new trilogy, but it should never have been repeated.

I mean, sure, Cortana is smoking hot at least in Halo 4, but... do you really think that your audience is horny and lonely enough for one great holographic blue ass to distract us from the nauseating graphics going on around said ass? Besides, if I wanted to play a game mainly for scantily-clad women, then I’d be playing World of Warcraft, not Halo.

Speaking of Cortana, Halo 5’s story. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. Killing Cortana in Halo 4 was ballsy but was also executed quite well, like the rest of Halo 4’s story. Then they threw Halo 4’s villain (the Didact, who by the way survived Halo 4) out the window, made Halo 4’s plot meaningless by resurrecting Cortana as a villain, gave her an accomplice (the Warden Eternal) who was miniboss material at most, and jumped on the ridiculously over-filled bandwagon of AI rebellion scenarios. Halo previously had a fascinating take on AI that had them too occupied with intellectual pursuits to care about seizing power, but then Halo 5 just had to be like every fucking other setting with AI instead of staying in the nice unique little niche it already had! For fucks sake, come on 343! Maybe some AI acting out on their own, just like humans desert or rebel sometimes, might give a Halo spin to AI rebellion, but nooooooo, it has to be super-hacking AI with a sinister plot of total control using secret advanced weapons like the previous trillion times that exact thing has been done.

Some people dislike how the Chief talks more in the new trilogy, but that’s to some degree just because he now says some things out of cutscenes. I don’t see the problem with this - well I do, but only with the risk of taking it too far. Let’s face it, if they tried to make the Chief a talkative guy spewing one-liners like Sergeant Johnson, it would ruin the character. But having him say things that are relevant to combat (discussing with officers/Cortana about the nature of an objective, ordering local Marines to perform a certain action, etc.) is fine and occasionally even having him show some emotion like in Halo 4 is alright, Halo 4 hit the sweet spot and Halo 5 didn’t take it all that much into the too-far region. Chief is a man of few words, so what he says will be carefully-selected, but he ultimately isn’t an utterly silent robot. On that note, Fireteam Osiris was a perfectly good idea, and only was annoying because of the general poor script of Halo 5 combined with 343 being visibly unsure whether they wanted main characters, side characters, or background characters. Also, Blue Team working with the Chief should’ve been a thing from the start, it’s one of the few things done cleanly right by Halo 5.

And yet, while all of these problems are indeed problems and make the new trilogy not feel like Halo very much, there is another group that pisses me off far, far more than this. Apparently, some people think that being able to sprint WHILE PLAYING A SUPER FAST AND SUPERSTRONG CYBORG SUPERSOLDIER makes Halo not feel like Halo. Apparently, being able to do literally anything at all that you couldn’t do in Halo CE - be it equipment, sprinting, armor abilities, Spartan abilities, or armor mods - ruins the game. Some of these people are diehard challenge junkies who think that having more HP and abilities than a Grunt is heresy, sure, but some people are just weird, mentally challenged purists. For some reason, a notable amount of people have latched onto the fallacy that it was the primitive original movement system, not the variety and choice, that made Halo so great. Apparently, being able to do more than an ass-normal Marine who happens to have an energy shield is some great sin. IF I WANTED TO PLAY AS A NORMAL SOLDIER, I’D BE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY YOU IDIOTIC LUDDITES! All of these extra things, in a well-designed, open, not strictly linear mission, only add to the Halo-style campaign experience, and having these things only greatly increases the potential variety of multiplayer games!

These same people also cry about the new depictions of Spartans kicking Elite ass, when this is how good they were in the lore and it took a high-ranking Elite, not any Elite, to match a Spartan. They are of course too blinded by nostalgia to notice the Chief tearing through army after army of Elites.

This sheer hatred of anything new is so goddamned infuriating to me. WHAAAAAAAAAA! SPARTANS ARE SHOWN DOING THINGS THAT A GAME ENGINE FROM 17 YEARS AGO WASN’T ADVANCED ENOUGH TO LET THEM DO! WHAAAAAAAAAA! Fuck off, you stagnant imbeciles. As I said earlier, if you want to play a normal soldier then go to Call of Duty and join up with their whiny purists instead. And the worst part is that their bitching distracts attention away from the real problems with the new Halo trilogy’s direction in favor of whining about being able to do things not featured in Halo CE.

I on the other hand WANT variety, the “open sandbox” feel that makes Halo so great. I would love a game with Halo CE’s powerups, Halo 3’s equipment, Halo Reach’s armor abilities (though they’re in Halo 4 as well), Halo 4’s armor mods (both types), and Halo 5’s Spartan abilities, all with dramatically more versions of all of these added in and more weapons, vehicles, and enemies than all previous games combined (with no weapon despawn and much more ammo capacity too). But this is only any good with the much superior Halo Reach art style, and with an open, versatile level design with a long, long campaign tested exhaustively to be fun at every turn with a wide variety of approaches. A game with literally hundreds of enormous (like Forge World enormous) multiplayer maps, with all non-player entities able to be spawned (as either friendly, hostile, defensive, or even aligned to one specific player team) into a huge variety of hugely customizable game modes, and said gamemodes can even have scripted events set to happen at scripted times, and ONE WHERE WE CAN PLAY AS ELITES AGAIN. Likely play as Brutes and Prometheans too, or maybe play as everything and let 500 people play as Grunts in a massive free-for-all. Also with a huge degree of armor customization, with every inch being entirely modular and split into a great many individual customizable parts with upwards of hundreds of options each. That and have a good story.

But with corporate greed pulling towards short, linear campaigns with a weak story, limited multiplayer with so much less feeling of variety and long-term enjoyment, and all of this in an annoying and stupid art style, and with screeching Luddite manchildren pulling towards shitting out perfect clones of Halo Combat Evolved every few years, I am left in the middle. I have tried to be optimistic for so long, but my patience with this issue is very much now at its end and I am something beyond furious with the state of things. If and when SJW politics find their way into Halo someday, the situation will only get worse. And so I’ll be left here, playing the Bungie Halo games as well as some great fan mods (SPV3 most notably), and cursing the names of CE purists, 343 Industries, and hardline SJWs alike. Someone help.