#but dont pretend you actually care for lee and think they be a good couple when the same critisisms you have of ss also apply to ls

[raveneira]

People who say Sakura should have ended up with Lee because he ‘really loved her’ and was ‘nice’ and ‘risked his life for her’ really need to re-read the manga

Because the same people who say this also dislike SasuSaku because it was ‘one-sided’ and ‘she only liked him cuz he was cool and handsome’ and most of all ‘she didnt know or understand Sasuke at all’ and basically ‘her love was just a shallow crush’  then your entire argument is invalid and you cannot be taken seriously

Why tf did Lee like Sakura? I bet none of you could tell me a legitimate reason because there WAS none, know why? because Lee thought Sakura was pretty and thus had a crush on her there was no other reason but that, he took one look at her and immediately became infatuated with her

He risked his life for her? so that automatically means true love? THATS a legitimate reason to be in love with someone? thats the same exact BS with SasuKarin that because Sasuke just happened to appear and took down a bear that btw he only did because he thought she might have had the scroll they needed [which she didnt] and immediately left without asking if she was ok nor checking on her, yeah, Karin TOTALLY has a legitimate reason for loving Sasuke for 3 years after that ONE encounter

Lee is the exact same case, so what he saved her, plenty of people have done that, does that mean she HAS to fall in love with someone just because they saved her? gtf outta here man

Lee saved her because he had an intense CRUSH on Sakura he did not LOVE her and I find it awful ironic how these same people who say Sakura’s love was shallow and that she didnt know or understand Sasuke at all but tell me, is Lee any different?

Wtf does Lee know about Sakura? what does Lee know PERSONALLY about Sakura? absolutely nothing, when has Lee and Sakura spent one on one time together and got to know her on a personal level? not a single danm time and yet THIS is somehow seen as the better alternative to Sasuke

Lee’s love is one-sided, his crush is shallow, he doesnt know or understand Sakura at all on a personal level, Sakura simply admires Lee but has absolutely no romantic interest in him the same way many of you say Sasuke has no romantic interest in Sakura

Funny how that only applies to SasuSaku but not Lee, funny how Sakura is seen as shallow but not Lee for the exact same reasons, funny how Lee’s love is ‘genuine’ while Sakura’s is just a selfish crush, funny how knowing someone on a personal level only matters if it’s Sakura with Sasuke but Lee? he doesnt have to know her at all since liking her is all that matters apparently

The only reason Im even speaking on this is because I am STILL seeing people even now still spouting that BS that Sakura shouldnt have been with Sasuke and gotten with Lee instead

I find it extremely funny how ‘development’ in terms of the pairings only applied to SasuSaku but LeeSaku which has even LESS scratch that BEYOND less development is ok, development doesnt matter anymore

Gtf outta here man, anyone who says this are got danm hypocrites and cant be taken seriously in their arguments because its blatant hypocrisy and contradictions

And dont give me ‘well atleast he didnt try to kill her!’ BS because neither did Shikamaru, neither did Kiba, neither did Shino, neither did Neji neither did alot of people so does that mean she should just get with them too? Im done

If your a LeeSaku shipper and none of this applies to you then ignore it because this isnt aimed at you, its aimed at the got danm hypocrites who couldnt be more transparent that they could care less about LeeSaku for real and have no real arguments for why they think they should have been together in the first place, the same people who care about Sasuke not returning Sakura’s feelings and being forced to are the same ones who dont seem to care about Sakura not returning Lee’s feelings but should be forced to

Im really done this time I cant, this fandom never cease to amaze me

Im out

[cherry-ber]

“You’re a little much for me”

A.N: So i disappeared for a month again and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing

Pairing: Lee Taeyong x female reader (I’m sorry i literally couldn’t avoid the pronouns) kinda Jaehyun but ???

Genre: ANGST kinda but idk if it should be called that 

Warning: I know I said it was angst but really I just wrote words so it’s actaully very bad. Mentions of a dependant relation, smoking, but i didn’t develop any of it properly. Not readproof but i needed to psot something tbh.

Plot: I honestly don’t even know what the fuck i did here but Taeyong gives too much of himself for the girl he loves even when she won’t see. (None of this makes sense, actually, but pretend it made you sad somehow idk don’t read this rly)

Tears fell from her cheeks as she walked back home. Her feet hurt inside her shoes, she purposely wore them to look better even though she regretted it as soon as she walked a mile. Clouds gattered threatening to rain when she less expected it. Her heart ached in a particular way, and for a moment she really thought she might die from sadness. 

Around her, groups of people walked together, laughing and couples would pass her by holding hands. Her hands were shaking as she looked for a cigarette in her purse, and took the lighter out of her pocket. She promised herself she wouldn’t smoke again, but that wouldn’t be the first promise she had broken today. Her phone rang, a text message from someone that she wouldn’t want to hurt by replying in a bad mood. 

She felt dumb crying in the streets, grateful that she made everyone too uncomfortable to ask if everything was alright. The truth was that she wasn’t, she felt her life was falling apart, piece by piece, knowing perfectly well all that she was doing wrong, yet unable to do something to fix it. She felt like she was spiraling down to hit rock bottom, and she was hoping that as soon as she did, she’d have enough strenght to overcome what was going on. 

Usually, she would call her boyfriend, but he was exactly the problem. Jaehyun was an amazing friend, beloved by her friends and family, a caring human and the best son to his parents, but he didn’t know how to be an okay boyfriend. He wasn’t a bad person, but he didn’t know how to be good to her. 

He’d often excuse himself saying that settling down wasn’t in his plans, but he tried for her, and he expected her to understand and forgive him when he screwd up because she was a lot to deal with, like today, when she found him kissing another lady, she felt her heart breaking when he saw her too and played the “I didn’t mean you to see this and I’m sorry for that” card that he had use too much before followed by “I can’t handle you sometimes so it’s okay for me to do this”. She knew she loved him too much, she knew that he had hurted her too much this time, though. 

“You know what? I literally can’t stand you this days, it’s not my fault you’re dependant, I don’t even love you anymore, I just can’t leave you because maybe you’ll kill yourself and then I’ll be the bad guy”

“You’re already the bad guy, Jaehyun” “I’m not, you’re overwhelming, you’re too much, I don’t know how I’ve been dealing with your shit for so long” Deffinitely not what you’d want to hear from your boyfriend of 3 years, but deep down she felt sorry for him, he was right, she was overwhelming, she was annoying and she was a little too much for anyone, even for herself, sometimes. 

The phone rang again, you noticed it was a call and hesitantly picked it up. 

“Can  I see you tonight?”

“I’m not in the mood tonight”

“Please” he was pouting on the other side of the line “I’m outside already”

She ran as fast as she could, knowing that he never joked about being outside, not wanting him to be alone when it was about to pour, It was funny how much she cared about others too much, even when she wouldn’t care about herself. At least she knew he cared about her too, he was the person he truted the most. 

Taeyong could read her like a book, he knew every breath of hers meant something, he knew something was wrong just by the way she walked, even when she greeted him with a wide smile. And she knew that he could never hide anything from him, she knew he would always be there for her, so pretending that everything was fine was pointless, she broke down when they were infront of eachother, he gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Her teardrops wetting his clothes enough to mistake them from the raindrops, that couldn’t chose a more dramatic moment to fall. After a moment she was able to take her keys and they came into her cold apartment, the only thing that made that place be cozy, though, was her presence.  “You smell like cigs again” He looked concerned, she quitted smoking some months ago, and they were both proude, it was sad that she went back to it again “Do you want to talk it out?”

“Not really” she boiled some water for tea and brought cookies to him “It was awful, it tastes like shit, I don’t miss it at all” 

“I’m glad you don’t” he hated to ask but he knew he had to “How was your date?”

Her eyes watered immediately at the scene of him with someone else, and she didn’t want to hear what Taeyong had to say about it. 

“It was alright, I  guess”

“Good”

He felt awkward around her, no matter how cool he played it, he was weak for her smile, he could’t help his heart from beating too fast when she spoke, he knew how to hide it from her, but everyone else could notice the way he felt, even her boyfriend, which was the main reason that they hated eachother. 

“Can we go to my room and cuddle?” Sometimes she left him speechless, for a long time he wondered if she knew and that was the reason that she gave him mixed signals, but he came to the realization that she was too nice to ever do that, she was just too friendly “Or whetever, honestly, I could use some sleep”  “I was planning on watching this movie I got recommended, but sure” he followed her to her room, she crawled into the bed and patted next to her, when he layed next to her, he felt joyful and it took her a little to fall asleep. Taeyong felt complete next to her, he wanted to have her like that forever, and he wondered how many times Jaehyun had the chance to sleep with her before, bitter again because he knew he’d never have her. 

It only took him five minutes to fall asleep too, only to be woken up by her phone ringing like crazy. She stood up and picked up too quickly when she read it was Jaehyun calling. 

“I’m sorry, babe, I shouldn’t have say that, you know I loove you”

“I love you too, Jae”

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow and make it up to you, how about that?” 

She knew, somehow, he was with someone else, she could feel it, she knew he meant nothing of what he was saying, but she decided to believe it anyway”

“You’re the best, I’ll see you tomorrow”

Those words shouldn’t have hurted Taeyong as much as they did, but it happened every time, she’d be “over him” and he’d think about confessing, and then Jaehyun would call her, because he was just as dependant as she was, he was too selfish to let her go, but not interested on her at all. Jaehyun liked to know he’d have her whenever he wanted to, without doing much to have her, he liked knowing someone needed him as much as she did, somehow. 

Taeyong loved too hard, and he knew he was unable to move on, he knew he’d always love her, no matter how many times she made him feel like he was not enough. It was funny how he got hurted everytime but he came back for more, that’s why he couldn’t blame her for loving Jaehyun too much. He wondered if she’d move on the day he would move on, too. 

**********************************************************

A.N: I DONT KNOW HOW TO USE TUMBLR ON A COMPUTER HELP . I’ll edit whatever needs to be edited, I wasnt able to add the song but of course “Liability” was playing while i was tying to write something-

[lucozdes-blog]

finally !! here’s the intro guides to my children !! blease....plot with me. 

(lee taeyong, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [KIM JEONGMIN]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-THREE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [FASHION DESIGN] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

jeongmin is a fashionista, from designing original pieces to styling. 

his current aesthetic: goth street looks. think seoul fashion week. 

he loves nothing more than styling his friends or anyone who asks for help; he works within your budget and closet. he knows how and where to find deals and just overall very resourceful. 

he’s all for the environment too, the studio is filled with a variety of recyclable bin from plastic to old garments. 

he works as a part time visual for a retail store, it’s only a couple hours three mornings a week when he doesn’t have class, it’s good to have some sort of income. plus they pay him well considering his major and eye for new campaigns. 

he’s the guy with a variety of hook up numbers on his phone, never by name but with an emoji and number next to it. he’s a hoe (no jk i love him) and finds validation with the amount of people he sleeps with honestly it’s sad i don’t think he’s ever been in a genuine relationship. it’s just angst n heartbreak so he’d rather just sleep with ppl. 

anyways, his goal? design for the met gala and BE IN the met gala to show all those celebrities how it’s TRULY done. 

hic current look: taeyong in the chain mv. 

(nam joohyuk, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [MOON HANJAE]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-FOUR] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PERFORMANCE] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

my son whomst i BIRTHED 

part of the fuccboi squad...SHOUT OUT..shout out..aahhhh..was popping ooooo

he’s obnoxious and loud and dramatic and YET people love him thank you very much. doesn’t know when to stop honestly someone kick his ass. 

he’s been to school everywhere, studying abroad for high school, doing a year in england, a year at julliard and finally amsterdam, i’m just going to say he’s been here for 3 years and he’s going to graduate next semester. 

he’s a performance/composition major and the LEAD of the orchestra because he’s just that talented that vivaldi is shaking in his grave. a prodigy if you will because it’s not the only instrument he can play but his favorite. 

he comes from a home of socialites back in busan, his family dabbles in the arts. his family also decided his fate: arranged marriage. it’s a secret though, only haebin and haneul know about it. 

cue why he’s part of the squad, he went through people so fast, indulging himself in variety knowing that after he graduates he’ll be tied down and he hates the very idea of it. which is why he’s an ass and wont accept that he maybe really likes misun more than a hook-up, also the reason why he’s BEEN OUT OF THE GAME that the lads are noticing lmao 

anyways he’s a disaster but he loves his friends so much he just wants to Protecc

(kwon jiyong, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT [AHN DAEHYUN], THE [TWENTY-FIVE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [SOUTH KOREA]? YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [ENT. BUSINESS] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

he is the mom friend probably idk he’s always dd when the lads go out and does a run down of who’s where and if they’re ok before calling it a night when they go out 

he doesn’t party often, it’s honestly rare for him to go ALL OUT unless he knows he can handle it and he’s with minji who knows about his chronic fatigue syndrome 

it’s back and forth, getting rest doesn’t help him at all and so he’s taken up dancing as a hobby again, just one class where he can a good amount of exercise without stressing himself too much when he has too much on his plate

he’s all good now though, it’s part of him but it wasn’t as bad as when he used to be a trainee; daehyun was gonna become an idol if it weren’t for his health issues.

he moved to cali for a while to go to school there and check out an american industry but decided that entertainment business might be better for him, less stressful and he gets to manage and help people who wish to be part of it. 

anyways he sounds like a monotone dad when he texts but in person he’s more into conversations, a good time, and he really loves the lads. 

he’s also lowkey dating taemin’s sister but no one knows that lol.

(kim minseok, he/him, homosexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT [CHOI JISOO], THE [TWENTY-THREE] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [THE US]? YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PERFORMANCE] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

BOY, JISOO PROBABLY IS MY ONLY CHAR WITH A WILDT BACKGROUND

he’s from san francisco, ca. comes from a wealthy family, his dad was the ceo and founder of a large company ( dont ask me abt what yet tbh i’m thinking about it ); however the company only became big because they launder money. maybe deal with extortion but you know. 

jisoo had it all though, he had the luxuries, he had the city, the parties, everything. only child, he was next in line to take over and actually? he didn’t mind at all if he kept living the way he was, and bonus points? his dad didn’t give a fuck about his sexuality. it was a dream. 

until his crazy ass mom destroyed everything. she killed his dad but was found innocent in court because she bought the judge, and the jury? all hired by her. he was in that very courtroom when she was found innocent and before he knew it, he was being dragged out by his dad’s old lawyer and best friend. he needed to get out of there fast. 

jisoo is the only one who’s allowed to touch his inheritance, his dad made it very clear that everything was to go to him. his mother still had a joint account and she still has enough to live off until she’s dying from old age but her new boy toy, 10 years younger than her kinda wants the company. 

jisoo knows his mom killed his dad, he doesn’t have the evidence but he’s going to bring her down through the law or without the law because she took everything from him and he’s still reeling over it, he still has nightmares of finding his dad’s body. 

and also, choi jisoo is an alias. no one knows his real name. (lol not even me, i’ll get back to you on that). 

he’s in witness protection right now, undercover as a student from florida. he figured he might as well take some fun classes aka acting, dance, and studio arts. he doesn’t care for it knowing his life is set out but might as well. 

(kim namjoon, he/him, bisexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [ZANDER YU]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-FOUR] YEAR OLD [CISMALE] FROM [THE US]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [PHOTOGRAPHY] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, 20, she/her, pst)

well, well, well if it isn’t the jack kerouac wanna-be. jk. he’s really not a bad person. maybe.

zander is a photographer, never staying in one place too long. he actually just arrived from mexico city and amsterdam is going to be the place he finishes his second degree. 

he’s basically that indie boy from all the coming-of-age films, an enigma if you will. simply because they way he presents himself is charming, fun, friendly. he’s the type of guy you get a crush on just because of how attentive he is, how he makes you feel so interesting, how he looks at you and touches you. and he knows it. 

he can read people’s emotions, he knows exactly how someone will feel before they feel it simply because of logic and tactic. 

he’s incredibly smart, pretentious even but that’s part of the charm. he talks about music, books, movies. his travels. he makes people fall for him because it’s fun, it sends a rush through him knowing someone is willing to do anything for him and then...he’s gone. because he can’t do the same for you, he doesn’t feel anything for anyone. he likes the concept of being with someone, idolizing them and then leaving them and he does it in a way that you can’t really point your finger at him and blame him. 

he’s really good at pretending to be someone he’s not tbh. like i want to emphasize that because i want to play him in a way that you really fall for it you know. anyways YEAH. 

(josefine frida pettersen, she/her, pansexual)  HEY, ISN'T THAT  [LEONIE SCHÄFER]? YEAH, THE [TWENTY-ONE] YEAR OLD [CISFEMALE] FROM [GERMANY]! YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE THE [SOCIOLOGY] STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AMSTERDAM  NOW! LET'S HOPE THEIR STAY HERE IS AN ADVENTUROUS ONE! (dani, twenty, she/her, pst)

remember what i said abt a drunk josefine fc who ends up ranting abt how toxic capitalism is and why communism isn’t the answer like all those tumblr folk like to say? WELL HERE SHE IS 

she’s not a drunk lmao but if she’s at family dinners with the conservative side of her family, she GOES OFF she probably wouldnt go off at parties here unless she bumped into some asshole who wanted to mansplain something to her or whatever 

she’s no poli-sci major, she takes a class but it’s only for her to get educated and accumulate more knowledge to back her up in her actual major and just to be prepared for arguments 

i hate to say this bc wow cliche ! but....definitely noora vibes akhkjh i’m SORRY 

she really enjoys going to the weed cafes though, catch her in there with a book just enjoying her free time 

she has an accent !! considering english is her third language and french is secondl german obviously being the first. it’s cute rlly i was watching accent videos akljdhfj

still shes fluent in all three because it’s leonie why not 

her aesthetic would probably be better described by donna tartt but i’ll give it a go: cigarettes in her own special metallic case, long coats, boots, very formal/casual, billie holiday records, period drama movies as well as empowering movies, beige/dark browns and black, the smell of coffee beans, aesthetic instagram 

anyways uhh idk what else to add tbh if i think of anything i’ll mention it in the hc server on discord aklsjhdk

[onesp1cyboi]

ahem ok i said 10 notes but i actually rly like my writing so chapter 1 of my book (”Parasite” altho thts a working title tbh)

little bit of background, i’m calling it an anti-romance rn tbh bc it takes romance tropes and then goes “fuck u” n is basically a call out for abusive actions tht rnt always seen as abusive ft. flower meanings, magic and stuff

um also it’s based in shanghai, which is where i grew up, so. if any references go over people’s heads, pls pls pLS dont hesitate to ask about them!! i’ll edit those in later if needed, and i’m 110% open to any criticism

Most people describe it as falling. I more or less walked backwards into it.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s this glorified train wreck of emotions known as love. Oh Chris, you might be thinking, don’t be so cynical about it! To which my only reply is: wait and see! I think my general feelings toward romance are totally understandable.

It started at the beginning of the summer holidays. XinTianDi was packed with people from all over, tourists and locals alike swarming in and out of malls, onto small side streets and tight alleys. It all brushed past me, sitting at a small table a few textbooks strewn around me, half-filled cup of coffee balanced on the opened pages of an outdated science book, an empty plate decorated with cake crumbs lying haphazardly on top of my half-open pencil case.

I wasn’t studying. I told my mom I would when I left my apartment (dad was already at work), although she wouldn’t have cared if I told her I’d gone out to drink myself half to death and run away to some exotic land halfway across the planet. I don’t know why I bothered to lie to her, considering she didn’t care for anything I said anyways. She’d probably appreciate it if I did run away from home, because that would mean one less mouth to feed, and an extra room in the apartment she could convert into something new.

Mom always liked new things.

I sighed, picking up my cold cup of coffee and knocking it back, letting the gritty contents slither down my throat to an uncomfortable stop in my stomach. I put the cheap porcelain cup back on its tiny useless plate, gathering up my books. It was the summer holidays, I had better things to do than pretending to be productive.

I fished my phone out of my pocket, checking for texts. Nothing. I didn’t let it disappoint me; most of my friends had gone overseas for the holidays, to timezones totally out of sync with my own. The few friends who were also stuck in Shanghai for the summer break tended to sleep in past lunch as well. I was alone until noon.

Stuffing my backpack with my books, I stood up slowly, letting my legs stretch out. It was only 10 in the morning, but I’d been sitting in the coffee shop forcing bitter caffeine down my throat for the better part of 3 hours. I swung around, stepping into the foot traffic surging around the soft oases of the restaurants and cafes dotted here and there throughout the entire downtown area. I remembered the first time I’d gone out without my parents or friends, the crowd had thrown me this way and that, forcing me in and out of the tide of people. Now, however, I was able to stick to the border, never touching or interacting with anyone else, besides a few bumps against my shoulders. My friends told me it was because I tended to look like I was on the warpath when walking alone, brows narrowed in a threatening glare, lips curled up in a near permanent scowl. I always thought it was a good thing.

I broke out of the stream near the entrances to one of the malls, joining the slow and steady trickle of people coming in and out of it, marching up the stairs. I didn’t look up, staring at my feet, glare heavy. Step after step, slow and tortured. I was tired. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t know where I wanted to go.

A cold rush of wind blew over me as I stepped through the glass doors into the mall. I untied my hoodie, blood red, from around my waist, pulling it on as I walked, pointlessly, aimlessly. I felt like it too; pointless and aimless. I was tired. It wasn’t unusual for me to feel awful when I was like this. I found myself making my way out of the back of the mall, feet stomping hard against the ground, the shock almost painful through the soft soled sneakers I was wearing.

I came back outside, flipping my hood up to hide my face, slinging my backpack in front of me. I took off into a smaller alley, unzipping the small pocket in front of my bag and curling my fingers around that sleek cardboard box of self-destructive relaxation. I breathed out a sigh through my lips, allowing myself a small, quirked smile as I opened the box, hidden safely in the space between two buildings. I leaned against the wall, sliding a cigarette between my lips, pulling my lighter out of the box and lighting the cancer stick quickly.

I didn’t do this often, but the feeling of smoke in my lungs was comforting, warm. I breathed out, watching the smoke fly into the air in front of me like a thin, grey ghost, a vision of my own soul flitting into the wind, fading into nothingness.

I took another drag.

The end of the cigarette glowed a soft orange. For a second, I was tempted to snuff it out into my skin, but the moment passed, another ghost lost in the wind, and I filled my lungs with smoke again.

I moved to step out of the shade of the buildings, out onto the streets again, when I spotted her. She was chattering in quick Chinese to the vendor of a small street side flower shop, a bouquet of roses in one pale, soft hand. She wasn’t small, probably about my height, but the way she held herself made her seem placid. It was weird compared to the way she spoke, confident and sharp. The shopkeeper looked amused, his attempts at bargaining with her more playful than anything. My eyes flitted quickly across her body, from the way her dark, nearly black hair hung over her round shoulders to her to the narrow curve of her waist. She was wearing a pastel blue summer dress, a tan bag hanging off her shoulder matching the roman sandals on her feet. There were flowers printed on her dress, the impression of roses in pink and yellow floating over the fabric.

She flipped her hair over her shoulder, turning her head to the side, and my breath caught in my throat. Like me, she was an expat, but she looked mixed, maybe part Chinese? Her narrow eyes were dark, but warm, inviting. Her cheeks were dusted a light pink, lips painted glossy red. I felt my own cheeks darken as she turned away to face the vendor, the cigarette between my fingers all but forgotten, the light on the end already expired.

She was beautiful.

I turned away, determined to hide in the alley again, but then again…

It was summer. Summer meant change, adventure, something different and new. Maybe this could be a change for me.

I crossed the street.

She didn’t notice me, still arguing with the flower vendor, but I figured I’d try. I dropped my cig onto the pavement, kicking it subtly into the road. I wished my breath didn’t smell of smoke, either, but maybe she’d overlook it.

The vendor noticed me. He quickly turned away from her, trying to speak in slow, broken English.

“Buy flower?” he asked, English accented and barely understandable. I nodded.

“I’ll buy her the roses if the price is really that…” I started to reply in Chinese, pausing to glance over at the girl. She was giving me a flat, unimpressed glare, nose puckering as the smell of the smoke flew over her. I turned away quickly. “Difficult.”

The vendor beamed, nodding ecstatically. “Very difficult! Women, you know.”

“Excuse me? These flowers are incredibly overpriced,” she spat out, shaking her head. Well. My entrance obviously wasn’t as good as I’d hoped it would be.

“How much is he selling them for?” I asked, in English this time. She sighed, running her fingers through her long, thick hair, slightly wavy, curled around her face like a picture frame.

“Too much. I’m not paying 120 yuan for a couple of flowers off the side of the road,” she replied. “And I don’t need you buying them for me either.”

I huffed a slight laugh, scratching at the back of my head. Well. Guess I should’ve expected that. “Sorry, I guess?”

She smiled at me, sighing in what seemed to be frustrated adoration. “You really wanna pay for them?”

“Uh,” I muttered. 120 yuan. For a girl I’d never met before. Christ. “Sure? But, can I know your name? Since I’m gonna be buying flowers for you and all.”

“Wynona Lynn,” she replied. “You?”

“Chris.”

“Just Chris?”

“Christopher?” I answered, shrugging.

“Last name, stupid.” Ouch. She obviously didn’t like me.

“Lee.”

“Was that so hard?” she quipped with a smirk, grinning at me. The vender coughed, giving the two of us a pointed look. I pulled the 120 out of my wallet, handing it over in defeat. The girl, Wynona, smiled at me.

“Thanks for the flowers,” she said, fingers wrapping around the stem of one, gently tugging it out of the arrangement. She held it out to me. I took it from her, the thorns digging into my fingers when I wrapped them around it. I didn’t wince.

“Thanks?” I muttered, confused.

“I should buy you lunch,” she remarked. “You free today?”

“Is this a date?” I shot back, not wanting to be one-upped by some random girl I just met.

“If you want it to be.” She punctuated it with a wink. I felt my cheeks grow warm, fingers tightening around the stem of the rose.

“Uh…” Shoot. I couldn’t think straight. “Ok?”

“Date then?”

“Please?” I winced at the high, desperate pitch of my voice. Thanks a lot, puberty. She probably felt sorry for me. I couldn’t imagine what else she’d find attractive about me; I wasn’t tall, or handsome. Maybe she thought I was cute, in a kind of pathetic way. That had to be it.

She hummed, smiling at me. “Meet me at Starbucks at 12, then?” she asked. “I gotta go home and drop these off, so I can’t stick around for now.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure,” I stuttered. Ugh. Her smile made my brain stop working. It was frustrating. “Starbucks. Yeah. I’ll see you then.”

“See you,” she said. She sounded like she was trying not to laugh. I couldn’t blame her. I’d laugh at me too. She turned away from me, beginning to walk away, but paused. “Oh, and one more thing,” she started, turning to face me again. She walked up to me quickly and pressed a kiss against my cheek, before taking off again, blending quickly in with the crowd. My hand moved up to my cheek, fingers brushing over where she kissed me. The vendor wolf-whistled, cackling. I stared after her, even when her flower print dress vanished from sight.

~*~

I hunched over in my seat, letting my phone drop into my lap. I’d sat back down in Starbucks, forking over more of my money to fuel my growing caffeine addiction and the power-hungry capitalist society that caused it. I took another sip of my quickly cooling cappuccino, tongue already sensitive from the first burning taste I’d had of it. The rose Wynona had given me was lying on the table in front of me, bright red petals looking out of place against the dusty, dirty green-tinged grain of the table I was sat at. The dark stem was still brighter and more alive that the wooden table it was lying on, green leaves shuddering in the slight wind offered by the whirring fans above me.

My phone buzzed in my lap, snapping me out of my daze. I picked it up, glancing at the message.

bae😩 💦  said: have fun!!~~ <33

Jerk.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. I glanced up quickly, catching a glimpse of her pale face before her dark hair covered it again and she breezed in front of me, sliding into the seat across from me.

“Did I keep you waiting?” she asked, smiling. I could feel my cheeks heating again, the dimples at the corners of her lips causing me to feel things I never thought possible.

“Uh, no. Nah. I had nothing to do anyways, so. No.” I smiled at the end, awkward and too wide, but I wasn’t really sure what else to do. She grinned.

“You’re such a dork,” she laughed. “Ok! C’mon, there’s no way I’d take you on a date to Starbucks. I’m not a cheapskate.”

“Wow, we’re going on a proper date?”

“It’s only because I’m craving good food. Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Too late.”

She snorted, reaching over the table to grab my arm. “Are we going then?”

I knocked back my coffee as I stood. It still burned a little going down, and I choked on it as it went, but we were already out of the cafe, despite my spluttered attempts to tell her to slow down. I chucked my coffee cup in a bin as we ran, shoving my phone back in my pocket and attempting to make sure I had all my stuff on me.

We slowed down in front of a large shopping mall, Wynona’s cheeks a little pink with exertion. She was panting lightly, breaths passing in bursts through her plump red lips, quirked at the ends in a sly little smile.

“Why did we run?” I huffed, doubled over and clutching my stomach. I was pathetically horrible at sports. My everything was aching from the mild bit of exercise, and I was starting to hate my decision of going on a date with Wynona.

“Why not?” she replied. I realized she was holding the rose she gifted me, twirling it between her fingers. She seemed to be whispering something to it, pressing a quick kiss against the petals. The red of her lips matched the red of the flower, and she looked like she was glowing when she turned back around to face me. I straightened, standing up stiffly in front of her, trying not to let it bother me that she was almost taller than me. She tucked the flower behind my ear, brushing my hair away with her hand. My face felt hot again.

“If you keep blushing like that, the rose’ll match your face like it matches your hoodie,” she quipped. I scowled, reaching up to take the flower out of my hair. She batted my hand away, grinning. “I’m kidding! You look cute with it, ok? Just keep it there.”

“Thanks. Really wanted to look cute today,” I grumbled, pouting. She pinched my cheek.

“Keep pouting like that and you will,” she replied. I sighed, shoving my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. I forced a smile, trying as hard as possible to make it look uncomfortable. She rolled her eyes. “Perfect.”

She led me to a small restaurant, one of Shanghai’s many attempts at being trendy, with rustic wooden furniture and dark but warm lighting. She looked like she belonged there, under the gentle glow. She led me inside, guiding me to a secluded seat in a brighter corner of the room. The dark felt a little claustrophobic for me, but I didn’t want to say anything, seated here across from her, watching the yellow light bring a strange glow to her eyes, exposing freckles and lines of gold that were shot through the brown.

“You’re pretty,” I mumbled, staring into her eyes. She blushed, coughing lightly, hands immediately shooting to her lap as she searched for something to toy around with, avoiding my gaze. I smirked, leaning back. “You’re prettier when you blush.” She kicked me under the table.

She opened her mouth to say something back when the waitress came over, asking us if we were ready to order drinks in slightly accented English, handing us menus. Wynona glared at me, taking one of the menus and quickly flipping it open. She scanned the drinks quickly while I ordered a soda, settling on a rose tea.

“Rose tea?” I commented.

“I like flowers,” she replied, smiling.

“Evidently.”

She hummed in response, shutting her eyes as her ankles tapped lightly against mine. “What about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you like?”

“Oh.” I shrugged, thinking about it. “Music, maybe?”

“Music, maybe. That sounds like a fascinating interest. You’ve really got me on the edge of my seat here.”

“Shut up, ok. I just. Never thought about it before, I guess. I like reading? And music.”

“You play any instruments?”

“Piano and guitar. I’d love to learn drums but my mom would never let me. At least with piano and guitar she can have me play songs at whatever get-togethers she’s having with her friends without me being a pain in the backside or anything.”

She was staring at me.

“Uh. Um. Sorry,” I stuttered. “I tend to ramble.”

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s cute,” she giggled, reaching over to snatch at my fingers. “You know, you could go on,” she mumbled, playing with my fingers.

“Uh. What? About music?”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh. Uh. I sing sometimes? I used to write songs and stuff, but I guess I don’t really have time anymore, and I never really liked the songs I was writing either.”

“Why not?” she asked, lacing her own fingers through mine, glancing up at me. She looked genuinely interested.

“The lyrics never sounded right. I always felt like I was faking it, like I was being fake deep, and it never really reflected the points I actually wanted to get across. Like, sometimes I wrote love songs? But they just had cliched metaphors and were never really personal to the people I was writing them about.”

She looked surprised. “You’ve dated before?”

“Uh, yes? Should I… not have?”

“You struck me as a sweet innocent bean, new to the ideas of dating and relationships,” she quipped, pulling her hands away from mine to clasp them at her chest, cocking her head and sighing. “You would be my conquest, and I would show you how relationships work, and we could become the power couple of the century. You’d be the Anthony to my Cleopatra.”

“What.” I’ll admit, I was offended. “I’ve dated before! I didn’t walk up to you and start flirting without any idea of how to flirt at all.”

“A kid can know how to flirt without actually having flirted with someone. You ever watched movies?”

“I hate movies.”

She raised an eyebrow at me. “Really? Wow, never knew I was getting with Holden Caulfield reincarnate.”

I scoffed. “Rude. I’m way cooler than Holden Caulfield.”

“I’m surprised you picked up on that reference.”

“I’m surprised you made it.”

She blinked in surprise before grinning. “I had to read it for school.”

My face fell. “It’s one of my favorite books.”

“I knew you were a nerd! I knew it!”

“I already told you I like reading,” I retorted. “And I play piano. Of course I’m a nerd.”

Wynona was laughing, her hands reaching for mine again. She laced her fingers with mine, eyes squinted shut, wrinkling at the edges, her nose scrunched as her lips parted to let a small sound fall out. My heart melted.

“You’re really pretty. Please stop. It’s rude.”

She huffed, still laughing.

“It makes you flustered, so no,” she replied, grinning. She reached over to me with her free hand, snatching the flower from behind my ear. I’d forgotten it was there. “You know what roses symbolize?”

“Oh no, you’re one of those people who speaks ‘flower.’”

“Red roses symbolize love and passion, but in a bouquet the meaning can change. One rose means love, 12 shows gratitude, 50 shows unconditional love.”

“50? Who the hell is buying 50 roses?”

“Romantic couples.”

“Oh.” I paused for a second. “Wait a second, you gave me one rose-”

“I don’t love you. We just met, that would be ridiculous.”

“Uh-huh.” I cocked an eyebrow at her, fighting down the blush that was threatening to bloom across my cheeks.

“I would’ve given you an iris or something, it’s more appropriate, but I didn’t want to buy you a flower out of nowhere when you wouldn’t understand it,” she sighed, propping her head on the hand with the flower, the rose hanging limply out between her fingers.  

“What does an iris mean?”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, smiling at me. “I mean, since you payed for my roses and all.”

“Heh, yeah.” An awkward kind of silence built between us, Wynona still playing with my fingers. The waitress came over, placing our drinks in front of us. Wynona shifted, sitting up again, her hand leaving mine, the rose dropped onto the table. She picked up her cup instead, blowing lightly over the steam wafting off the rosey pink drink, her lips resting on the edge of the cup.

For a second, I wished I had a camera. I wasn’t much of an artist, but she looked beautiful. She smirked at me, and I knew I was blushing, but at that moment, I didn’t care.

[gorsime]

ill delete this soon

bad cop hogwarts au

@pouncival

points to cover: houses, prefect stuff, meetings, classes, Naughty Stuff, other cats, pets, life after hogwarts, quidditch >:((, HYDRATION, teachers, uhhhhh and anything else i can think of

HOUSES: rumples a gryffindor. the sorting hat took about three seconds. alonzos a hufflepuff even tho his family have always been ravenclaws and he desperately wanted to be a gryffindor, he cried after the sorting ceremony also: jenny is huffpuff head, skimble is p much hagrid, jelly is raven, gus is gryffdor and grizabella is slytherin,,, headmaster deuteronomy lmao

PREFECT STUFF: alonzos a prefect. Obviously, i mean come on. he takes it so seriously,,, hes already dating rumple when he becomes one and she delights in the fact that he can sometimes b persuaded to let her go with a warning bc yo thats what u get for fucking a prefect,,, once she wanted to get in ravenclaw tower and she didnt know the answer to the riddle so she was like "LONZYYY I HAVE A RIDDLE THAT I NEED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO FOR HOMEWORRKKKKK" and hes a library fiend so he spent like an hour looking it up and then he told her and she was like "ok thanks im going off 2 ravenclaw tower now" and he was so distraught he took ten points from hufflepuff for helping her. the other prefects Donut Understand their relationship ghdkhgd bc mungo and rumple r worse than fred and george but eventually it gets to the point where they catch her doin some rulebreaking and shes like... do u seriously feel like dealing with me so they just go get alonzo. she gets drunk on firewhisky one time and he takes her back up to gryffindor tower and spends ten minutes trying to get the fat lady to let her in but the fat lady is annoyed and refusing and it goes like "rumple tell her the password" "nooOooOoOooOo" "do you know the password" ">:3c" "rumple teLL HER THE PASSWORD" for another half hour and eventually gives up and decides to wait for the next gryffindors to come along and let her in but the next one to come along is mungo and then its twice as bad when alonzo becomes head boy (munk is the year above them) he cries, and rumple opens her letter like I GOT HEAD GIRL??!!!!????? and hes like. What. and shes like hehehehehe just kidding who the fuck do u think i am,, also. prefects bathroom. he ends up letting her find out the password and then shes constantly in there and then Somehow (i wonder how) mungo finds out and then they have to change it before the whole school knows,,, oh my god the other prefects tease him so much and at first hes like eh..heh...yeah but after a while hes like fuck off please, stop shittalking my girlfriend to me, and he gets a wee bit defensive about it so they give up especially in their final year when hes head boyyyy

QUIDDITCH: OKAY so alonzo wanted to play quidditch as a seeker bc ofc he did right?? i mean theres so many rules. such nice uniforms. but he never made the tryouts bc he wasnt willing to take the risks needed to get the golden thingy (also, vitiligo, hes got autoimmune shit and he has 2 b careful w his health),,, rumple however. rumples grown up loving the harpies and desperately wanting to be a beater. then she meets mungo and the two of them are fucking terrifying beaters, they are So Good, its honestly the only reason why gryffindor hasnt lost the house cup every fucking year, them helping win p much every game kind of balances out all the points they lose for being shits lmao,,, we had a thought that she gets hurt sometime in a game, and alonzo is. so terribly smothering he brings in all his books to study by her bed in the hospital wing and takes notes for her and is way too cautious after that and begs her to stop playing and she just. Looks at him. :| anyway she does eventually become quidditch captain nyehehe and so shes captain, hes head boy, they are a glorious power couple,,, the nerds love alonzo, the delinquents and sportheads love rumple, together they are So Respected,, it also means she gets actual access to the prefects bathroom which changes very little except for how sneaky she has to be to get in

MEETINGS: okay so in true hogwarts au fashion they first meet on the train as first years,,, rumple: hi can i sit here (she says as shes sat down) are u muggleborn im a halfblood alonzo: im from an old wzarding family my name is draco malfuck you rumple: wow u sound like an asshole. what house r u gonna be in. im gryffindor alonzo: me too rumple: u dont seem like one alonzo: you do :// rude fuck. this is my owl her name is aegolius im pretentious rumple: cool name. this is my cat her name is gwynog GO HARPIES alonzo: ive never had physical contact with a living thing in my life can i pet her rumple: sure alonzo: soft anyway after they get sorted they never talk again. End Of Au. jks but forreal they dont talk for years until they get their electives and theyre partnered in care of magical creatures and finally talk again and it goes like rumple: hey youre that kid who cried at the sorting ceremony alonzo: rumple: sup somehow the whole Falling In Love part is the one bit we havent really talked about but it happens and its cute

id also like to add that alonzos parents are an old italian wizarding family but they pride themselves on being chic, modern wizards who incorporate certain muggle things, mostly fashion, his mums a fashion designer, so all his clothes are beautiful and tailored and more Modern than most,, ANYWAY they also Want The Best for him and when he tells them who hes dating (A HALFBLOOD RAISED AMONG MUGGLES??? A GIRL BEATER???? LOOK AT HER SCHOOL RECORDS DARLING SHES A DELINQUENT!!!!!!) and they refuse to let him stay at her house or let her come over,,, until he writes home one day like. shes captain of the quidditch team what more do u want shes going to do it professionally) and theyre Sporty Folks who are So Fucking Into Quidditch and by this point theyve realised that she's not turning him into a Bad Kid so they finally accept her

CLASSES: ive forgotten like all of their classes kmn anyway alonzo wants to be an auror. thats all he wants. thats his ambition. so he studies his ass off from day one and gets perfect grades and is a model student. rumple is. perhaps not. just think fred and george thats her and mungo, shes a terror but somehow she still manages to pass everything through an annoying natural talent. alonzos kind of hellbent on making her get good grades and they spend much of their time in the library, hes in there Every Day, he pretty much has a reserved table, rumple sits around practicing jinxes on any unfortunate passerbys and trying to pester him and/or make him kiss her he loves presentations, hes so good at them, he prepares for weeks and then the entire time rumples in the back of class making Naughty Gestures. he chokes on his water when she does presentations theyre short but shes really charismatic so he just kind of sits there staring at her like an idiot because gosh she has a nice voice rumples a pro at brooms obviously, alonzos Hella Nervous on them, he has the best and safest model, she offers to give him private lessons but really its just an opportunity for dick jokes what can u do. he gets her a really good really SAFE and fast broom for christmas one year bc what else does a rich boy get his girlfriend who kicks ass at quidditch which brings me to

NAUGHTY STUFF: kittens look away! look for like. a full three months hes like Im Not Having Sex At School Its Against the rRULES!!!!!! and rumples like. well then we either abstain until we graduate or we can do it at your parents place and. No. The Horror. he changes his mind very quickly. they happen to stumble across the room of requirement a few times when.uh. the need is great. u know how it goes. im also gonna go out on a limb and admit that alonzo is rather fond of the Luxury Baths in the prefects bathroom and rumple is very good at catching him when hes in there and enchanting the door or some shit so nobody disturbs them :-)) this is from one of those hogwarts au headcanon posts but i love it, he gives a presentation on sex ed and shit (lets pretend hogwarts is better than it is) and rumple sits in the back asking the worst questions and inside he wants to scream u KNOW what that is we did it last nIGHT

other cats: yes ok here we go. in their year is misto, victoria, admetus, mungo, coricopat, tantomile and im sure im missing people here, year above them  is munk, tugger, deme, bomba, cassandra, macavity (???!!!???) and everyone else is younger by a year or two, also worth mentioning is etcetera being rumples younger sister and theyre adorable and lovely etcetera for president of the world munk and cass or deme are probably head boy and girl of their year,  cass is dating tantomile, bombas dating demeter, alonzo has the biggest crush on munk as well (optional polyamory for u fucks) (worth saying that the reason rumple went to sneak into ravenclaw tower was to see victoria btw),,, alonzo and victoria are head boy and girl of their year, and probably jemima andddddddd idk maybe g eorge fuck me man idk admetus is another prefect, so's tantomile tbh,,, id say victoria but she wants to focus on her studies

PETS: alonzo has this beautiful eagle owl, scariest of all owls, her name is aegoleius (pronounced ay-JEE-lee-us) it means bird of prey and he adores her. shes beautifully trained. rumple has a kitty that im personally in love with who is basically rumpleteazer as a cat lol shes a calico but her name is gwenog after the famous beater of the harpies <33333 eventually they'll get another cat thatll be a suspiciously familiar black and white patched triangle shorthair named Faolan (sorta like FWAY-larn) even tho it means little wolf because he thought it sounded cool and he read it in a book and thought it was pronouned faow-lahn, honestly they probably end up getting a whole ton of cats

LIFE AFTER HOGWARTS: WOO im excited for this bit. okay. so. alonzo wants to be an auror. hes spent his whole life training for this. he immediately applies after graduation and gets in and starts his rigorous three year training process. in the meantime rumples gone into professional quidditch, and shes really really good at it but shes like.... this isnt fun anymore. bc its not just a school game anymore, its a professional sport, and what do u mean u cant jinx the opponents!!!! so for a while she just helps him train "ok so if you walk like THIS and use this charm your footsteps will be totally silent blah blah boh my god i should be an auror" and hes like. You. want to be an auror. and shes like. Yup. and its a damn good thing he was so obsessive about her getting good marks bc her newts are good enough that she can apply. they do a criminal record check, but mind u that altho rumples done naughty stuff, shes never actually. Been Caught doing anything particularly bad. so her record is somehoW CLEAN and she gets in. its a miracle. "what did you do. who did you blackmail" "i sucked every single aurors dick lonzy" "HOW DID YOU GET IN" "EVERY! SINGLE! DICK!" but hes also really really prouD AND THAT MEANS THEY CAN HELP EACH OTHER TRAIN!!!!! cue training montage. rumple pulls a tonks and coasts thru a lot of it rlly easily and almost fails some but they both eventually graduate and become aurors and work together and she covers her trenchcoat in patches and he keeps asking if he has to wear his because sweet jesus it is ugly ITS BROWN, and at this point his parents r more than content with rumple lmao, anyway they live together in a lovely little house that is kept in perfect order, rumple enchants EVERYTHING to talk, its cute, fucking domestic shit yes please

HYDRATION LOL look this isnt even important but alonzo is so deeply into that health shit. he only eats dark chocolate, and most importantly he fucking loves spending time in the kitchen with jenny. she cooks, he makes custom face masks, and also infused water. so much infused water. he has different """recipes""" and he always has a bottle of lovely chilled water with fucking apple and ginger and lemongrass shit in it that he made the night before, and since rumple fucking hates drinking anything thats not tropical sunshine punch fruit juice he constantly is trying to figure out a recipe of infused water that she'll drink becUSE ITS NOT HEALTHY RUMPLE!!!!!!!! YOU NEED WATER, but she thinks its disgusting and eventually he gives up and carries a bottle of juice with him in case he sees her because its better than nothing,

yeah ok im,,,,, i assume there will be more to come but for now this is what u get

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine. 

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine. 

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that. 

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that. 

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too. 

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.