#but didn’t pay anything close to a living wage

[averagemrfox]

Corporate white collar jobs are a fucking joke man

[sourcherryandsprinkles]

Heyoo can I request modern au aegon ii x reader with prompt 19 "you're my favorite person" where aegon is the golden retriever vibe in the relationship and reader is the black cat vibe and he gets jealous when he sees her connecting with Daeron but she reassures him with prompt 19 (if you're up for it, you can add smut but no biggie!)

Thank you!

I took another turn with Daeron, but kept the black cat/golden retriever dynamic

Warnings: inappropriate flirting (from Daeron)

my taglists are here + you can send requests here at any time

—

‘’I need to start looking for an apartment,’’ Aegon grumbled as he came back to his bedroom, frustrated by the crowded house.

Everyone was back home for the summer, much to Aegon’s annoyance. Aemond and Helaena were back from college, and Daeron from boarding school. Despite the house's size, it felt cramped and easy to invade someone's space.

He settled into bed and leaned in to kiss you, but you pushed his shoulder. His lips formed a pout, silently begging for a kiss. You sighed and gave in, pecking him sweetly. 

‘’You said that when it was winter break…and spring break. Yet, you’re still here,’’ you reminded him, taking a strawberry from the bowl he just brought. 

Moving out and getting his own place sounded nice, but Aegon was too comfortable at home. There were no bills to pay, no cleaning to do, and no cooking required—mainly because he didn't know how to cook anything other than plain pasta or toast. Moving out would mean living alone. His parents might be too in his business sometimes, but it was better than solitude.

‘’Because when I asked you to move in with me you said ‘no’,’’ Aegon countered, settling back against his pillows.

You sighed, not feeling like having this conversation again. Your family wasn’t poor, but you and Aegon were not from the same social class. He was very privileged compared to you. His dad pulled strings to get him a full scholarship and got him a paid internship while you were working at the bookstore part-time at minimum wage. 

‘’Where’s the melted chocolate to dip them in?’’ you asked, your eyes searching for the bowl.

Aegon groaned. ‘’Shit. I forgot it on the counter…’’

‘’I’ll go get it,’’ you said, standing up and heading towards the door.

You walked down the hallways and downstairs to the kitchen when you found the bowl of melted chocolate exactly where Aegon had left it. You grabbed it and saw it was not melt-y enough so you put it back in the microwave. While you were waiting, Daeron came through the sliding doors, shirtless and hair wet from being in the pool. 

‘’Hey there,’’ he said, grinning. ‘’I didn’t know you were here.’’ Daeron leaned against the counter, appreciating your choice of clothing for the day. ‘’What are you doing?’’

‘’Reheating the chocolate,’’ you replied, glancing at him and then back at the microwave. ‘’Aegon and I are watching movies.’’ 

Daeron watched as you moved, his inappropriate gaze un-noticed by you. ‘’It’s nice out, you should come swim.’’ 

You glanced outside, seeing the sun shining bright. ‘’It’s too hot. Maybe later.’’ 

‘’Hot is good.’’ Daeron locked eyes with you, but you looked away, praying the microwave would beep soon. 

Once it did, you quickly grabbed the bowl and stirred the chocolate, not caring that it was hot. ‘’I have to get back to Aegon.’’ 

As if he had sensed what was going on, Aegon stepped into the kitchen. ‘’What’s taking you so long, babe?’’ he asked, his voice tense when he saw Daeron ogling you.

You looked over to Aegon, chocolate in hand. ‘’Had to melt the chocolate again,’’ you explained. ‘’I was heading back now.’’ 

You led the way to the stairs, wanting to get out of the kitchen and away from Daeron’s attempt at flirting. You were dating his brother, how did he think this was okay? 

Back in the bedroom, Aegon sat down heavily on the bed after closing the door. ‘’What the fuck was that? I can't believe him…’’ 

‘’It’s fine, Aegon. He was just—’’ 

‘’It’s not fine. The little shit was staring at your tits through your shirt! These tits are mine.’’

You rolled your eyes. ‘’He’s seventeen. You did the same when you were his age,’’ you said, thankful Aegon didn’t hear what Daeron had said. He would be so mad. 

‘’I don’t want his perverted eyes to look at my girlfriend.’’ Aegon pulled you down on his lap, almost making you drop the chocolate. 

With your free hand, you cupped his jaw, looking at him closely. ‘’I don’t care who looks at me. I love you.’’ You kissed him, slow and deep until he calmed down from his jealous fit. ‘’You’re my favorite person,’’ you said, leaning your forehead against his. 

Your words made Aegon smile, his arms wrapping around you. ‘’You’re mine too.’’

—

House of the dragon taglist: @khaleesihavilliard@domoron @ididliquorice @lover-of-helios@lover-of-helios @shine101 @tanyaherondale @mikariell95 @serrendiipty @lantsovheiress @gilliananderfuckme @shine101 @tetgod @clayzayden@memeorydotcom @tnu-ree @futuregws @blackravena @winxschester @mysteriouslydelightfulchaos @xxlaynaxx @secretsthathauntus @pilarxxxaguayo @emmavan39 @stargaryenx @erylilly @bbblackmamba @rainedrop97 @dreamer087 @gothicgay14 @ashlatano7567 @superkittywonderland @justaproudslytherpuff @evesolstice @buckysmainhxe @padfootsvixen @scarletmeii @evesolstice @dkathl @kaywsworld @tetgod @padfootsvixen @domoron   @weird-addiction @angeliod @xjennyx2 @adaydreamaway08  @mymultiveres  @secretsthathauntus  @puffycreamcakes @thirsty4nonlivingmen @naty-1001 @katiepie67 @moshpot24x @hc-geralt-23 @lovelynerdytraveler @saturn-sas  @zgzgh @sssjuico10 @tabloidteen @timetoten @deekaag @wondxrgurl @aerangi @strmborns @astridyoo15 @daemonslittlebitch @queenbeestuffs @severewobblerlightdragon @agentstarkid @msliz @vane1999-blog @fairyfolkloresposts @todaywasafairytale07 @otomaniac @zgzgzh @thebeardedmoon @golden-library @kikyrizuki @hnslchw @camy85 @winxschester @armstrongscommentsection @withfireandbl00d @randomstory56 @JudgmentDays-Girl @darylandbethfanforever9

All and more taglist:  @kenqki@hawkegfs@gillybear17@black-rose-29@fudge13 @cece05 @laylasbunbunny @gemofthenight @beautyb1ade   @mellabella101 @vxnity713  @bisexualgirlsblog @queenofslytherin889 @thatbxtchesblog @softb-tterfly @ethanlandrycanbreakmyheart  @xyzstar  @graceberman3   @mikeyspinkcup @jackierose902109 @daisydark @laurasdrey @mischieftom @fanatic4niall @peterholland04 @idkwhattonamethisblogs  @lexasaurs634  @notasadgirlipromise @zoeynicolas @thejuleshypothesis @multi-fandom-bi-bitch @lexasaurs634  @notasadgirlipromise @thejuleshypothesis  @katherinejess  @rafesgirlstuff   @lafleshlumpeater @iamluminosity  @Anouk @nani-2305 @books0fever @papichulo120627 @qardasngan @ghostlyvoidydragon @M0rgans1nterlud3

[r0tting-rat]

DCA PROMPTOBER 2024

Attention! This slasher!au belong to the lovely @wyervan, who gave me the okay to write a little drabble about their murderous guys bc I'm simply obsessed with them. I hope I did them justice :>

Day 27 - Stalker

Pairing: Slasher!Sun and Moon x/& GN reader Warning: Blood, violence and gore, choking, drug mention Words: 3800+ Summary: It's Halloween and someone stops by to pay you a visit <3

Whoever said that serial killers are the real monsters of this world has probably never worked a minimum wage job at a diner during Halloween. Teenagers were a fucking pain, there was nothing to say about it. Between stupid pranks and annoying messes, they seemed to try and find every possible way to make your living life hell, like you were some kind of lifeless mannequin and not a waiter.

You often had the closing shift during the weekends, along with a coworker of yours, who was as insufferable and as bothersome as some of the teenagers who’d come in during the day. Jake was a douche, there wasn’t much to say; he was immature and lazy, multiple times he had found ways to shove his workload on you and other people, his cigarette breaks lasted longer than your lunch and he would flirt with every woman under 20 that would cross the threshold of the diner. You and he often worked the closing shift together, which meant you cleaned the kitchen and the tables as Jake called his girlfriend on his flip phone while mindlessly sweeping the floor, only managing to move dust bunnies and used napkins from one place to the other.

You heard his voice loud and clear from the kitchen, complaining about some guy who owed him money, when your ears suddenly picked up something you regretted hearing.

-Stop worrying about it, there’s no risk of him telling the cops, he’d get into a lot more trouble than me,- he laughed, -He’s addicted to that shit, he wouldn’t survive a week without me.-

You had heard from a coworker that Jake sold drugs to highschoolers, but you weren’t the type to believe rumors without any proof, so you had never cared much about it. Your eyes glanced up from the grill you were cleaning to see if Jake had noticed you listening in on his private conversation, but the man was too engrossed into pretending to do his job to notice you. You didn’t want to have anything to do with Jake’s deals, you wanted to keep out of his life as much as you didn’t want him to become a part of yours.

Suddenly, someone began knocking on the glass door of the bar, making it rattle loudly and echo through the small diner. You stopped and waited, until a second, louder knock startled you. Jake wasn’t going to open, was he?

You peeked out of the kitchen, looking for your coworker, but he must have disappeared somewhere in the back because you couldn’t see him anywhere in the dining area. He had left the broom behind, of course. 

Looking outside the diner and into the dark parking lot, you saw a tall man standing right in front of the door with a weird jester costume, waiting for someone to open the door for him. He was wearing red and yellow puffy striped pants, a yellow top with red ruffles, and a weird Halloween mask over his face—a white and golden smiling sun, with a crown of golden rays all around.

As soon as the man saw you he stopped slowly swaying on the spot, freezing, and his head tilted to the side in confusion. You had expected teenagers to come and bother you so late, considering it was the 31st, but a grown ass man wearing such a stupid costume? That was simply ridiculous. You tapped the sign on your side of the glass which read “CLOSED” in bold and red letters, but that seemed to not be enough for the clown.

-We don’t do trick or treating here,- you said, speaking loud enough so he could hear you from outside, -If you want candies how about knocking at the door of a house or something?-

The man’s shoulders shook with laughter, but you didn’t hear any sound coming from him, so you simply sighed and turned back towards the kitchen. You wanted to go home, drink something warm, and do a rewatch of the Scream trilogy, nothing else. Why couldn’t that asshole do the same?

The masked man slammed his hand on the glass, making you jump and turn back around, then he pointed towards the broom laying on the floor a few feet away from you. Something clicked in your head, and you stared at him with your mouth agape.

-Wait, are you here for Jake? Are you one of his friends or something?- you asked, and after a moment of hesitation, the man nodded eagerly. You gave him a better look, noticing exactly how much taller than you he was and his lean build—he didn’t fit the depiction of Jake’s clients. Most of them were highschoolers, as far as you were aware.

-Listen, I can’t let you in, but we’re almost closed, so you just wait a couple of minutes and he’s all yours,- you told the man, who gave you a grateful nod followed by a step back into the parking lot. Despite that, that guy unnerved you deeply, he was weird and creepy, and you didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

You decided you could tell Jake to go home and leave you the rest of the work—which you would have ended up doing even if he stayed there—just so you could get rid of the masked loser outside, but when you called his name, you didn’t hear any answer. You walked in the back of the diner, checking even the kitchen to make sure he wasn’t eating any of the leftover fries, but your coworker had disappeared into thin air. 

During your search you found the staff door wide open, letting in the cold night breeze, and when you tried to close it you found that the handle wasn’t working properly anymore. Every time you pushed it closed, the door would creak open once more.

-What the fuck…?-

A sudden sound made you jump out of your skin and turn around in search of the cause, finding only the silence of the dark diner answering back. You were getting uneasy, on edge, and you couldn’t stop thinking about the weirdo right outside the door. Right as you had begun to wonder if he had found a way to get in, a hand grabbed your shoulder and you screamed.

-Jesus, fuck!- yelled Jake as you flinched away from him, -What the hell is wrong with you?!-

Your heart was beating so loud you could hear it in your chest, hammering against your sternum like a drum, but when you saw your coworker standing right behind you, you sighed and relaxed.

-You scared me!- You shoved the man away, annoyed, and he reacted by looking at you like you had gotten crazy. -Go tell your stupid friend to leave, he’s creeping me out.-

-Who are you talking about?- he asked, and you rolled your eyes.

-Sun dude, with the mask and clown outfit? Doesn’t that ring a bell? He’s waiting for you outside.-

Jake’s brown furrowed in confusion, then he pushed you away to enter back into the dining area, where you had seen the masked guy. He looked outside, walking towards the glass windows that gave a clear view of the parking lot, which revealed to be completely empty. Jake turned around to glare at you like you had set your pants on fire. 

-Did you take something? Some shrooms?- he asked, and you sighed.

-No, he probably just left. That’s his van, I’m sure, it wasn’t there an hour ago.- You pointed at a white van parked not too far from the door in the parking lot. -Do you recognize it?-

Jake shook his head, still visibly confused by your behavior, and from his stance you could tell that he was also growing tense. His hands were fidgeting and his eyes were scanning the parking lot like a police car was about to pull up and arrest him any minute, but in the end he scoffed. 

-Nah. Whatever, I’m going home,- he said, walking away from the window, -I’m not in the mood for this stuff.-

-I’m serious, there was a guy there!- you replied, but the man didn’t listen, -Also, next time close the door behind you after you go out for a smoke.-

-I haven’t smoked in 3 hours,- Jake retorted, -What are you talking about now?-

-So you didn’t open the back door?- you asked after a pause, feeling a sense of chill spread in your guts, creeping up into your lungs and blocking your airway, -But it’s…?-

The door had been broken. From the outside. Someone had gotten in, and you didn’t even hear it, neither of you did. You and Jake seemed to realize the same thing at the same time, but just as you bolted towards your bag and grabbed your phone, which you had left behind the counter, Jake ran for the main door, slamming it open in a rush. 

-Wait, don’t!- you screamed, but the man didn’t listen to you and headed to his car, which was parked in a far corner of the parking lot. Before he could take more than two steps, the white van rumbled to life, pointing its headlights at him and blinding him in the process. 

-Come back inside!- you screamed, and luckily this time Jake seemed to be willing to listen to you, because as soon as he realized he was about to get run over, he threw himself back into the diner. You grabbed him by one of his wrists and dragged him with you in the kitchen, your only safe space for now. 

The kitchen wasn’t that big; the diner you worked at was just a small local business that had just enough seats for the small population of your town, therefore, there weren’t many places to hide. 

-What the fuck is happening?!- screamed Jake in a panic, but you shushed him, beginning to type the police’s number until a humming sound made you freeze on the spot, -Why did you stop?! We need to…-

-Down!- you hissed, ducking behind one of the grills and bringing Jake down with you, right as light steps echoed in the dining area which you had just left. You listened carefully, kneeling on the cold floor of the kitchen with Jake shaking beside you, one of your hands coming up to cover his mouth. 

Your ears picked on a masculine voice singing something reminding you of a lullaby, slow and gentle, melodic and raspy at the same time. The intruder was singing without a care in the world, entering the kitchen just to stop right on the threshold, lingering on the spot. You peeked your head out from the side of the fryer, trying to get a look at the man but only managing to see a pair of black boots and blue puffy pants covered in stars before your eye was caught by the hatchet he was holding in his gloved hand. Old, rusty, and clipped in many places around the edge, the weapon looked decades old, if not more. You saw the man swinging it mindlessly around, like he was playing with it, still humming that low tune with his deep voice. 

-Someone’s hiding,- he sang, mocking, -Someone’s scared!-

Struggling to keep yourself from making a sound, you hid back behind the fryer, hoping to the heavens that Jake wasn’t about to panic and rat you both out. You sent him a warning glare, but the man was too worried about stopping his hands from trembling to even look in your direction. 

-Which little mouse will have its tail chopped off today, mh?- asked the intruder, beginning to walk slowly around the kitchen, -I heard someone has been behaving badly recently. The Sun told me someone was being naughty…-

Pots and pans were knocked down from the counters, making you flinch and cover your own mouth in fear of letting a sound slip out, and with the corner of your eye, you saw Jake begin crying. 

-Isn’t that right, Jake?- the psycho laughed, beginning to move once more, -Did the Sun lie, or are you actually misbehaving?-

You grabbed one of your coworker’s hands and began to crawl away, forcing him to come along, attempting to get on the other side before you could be seen. 

-Come out, come out, Jake, we just wanna play a game with you.- The man faked disappointment, opening any cabinet big enough to contain a human and making a mess of the kitchen around him as an attempt to drive you out of hiding. A metal lid rolled all the way in front of you, stopping right in your tracks, but being too focused on trying to understand how far the intruder was, you didn’t see it, and you hit it with one of your hands, sending it against the wall with a clang.

-Shit!- you said, standing back up, -Run!-

-There you are!- screamed the intruder, immediately running after you and Jake as you scrambled up on your feet and did everything you could to get away. 

You went back into the dining area, attempting an escape through the broken back door, but just as you turned the corner you found the sun-masked man standing in your way with a metal bat in his hands. While trying to step away from him and avoid his first swing directly aimed at your head, you tripped onto Jake, falling on him and causing both of you to ruin on the ground, hitting your head against the wall in the process. Breathing heavily, you managed to back yourself into a corner, unable to see through the heavy cloud of pain blossoming in your skull as warm liquid dripped down your neck, soaking your work uniform and making you dizzy. Your every breath was painful, your throat and mouth burned dry and your heart was beating out of your chest, deafening you entirely to the screams of your coworker being slammed against the wall beside you by the man with the hatchet. You were barely conscious, enough to distinguish the sun mask kneeling in front of you to observe you better as a crunch echoed through the diner, final in the way it made Jake’s protests and cries come to an abrupt stop.

Blood began to pool on the floor next to you, dripping down the wall where the killer’s hatchet had split open his skull, and the metallic scent hit your senses like a punch in the guts. You suddenly awakened, gasping for air like a starving man, and immediately you flinched when the sun mask leaned closer to your face. You couldn’t suppress the tears pushing out of your ducts, streaming down your face in rivers, and you hiccupped when, during your struggle to push yourself back up, you slipped on the blood with your palms and found yourself face-first in it. 

The murderer with the hatchet, who was wearing a moon-themed mask and a costume matching the other maniac, let go of Jake’s body and let it slide down the wall into a sitting position right beside you, making you scream and stumble back into your corner. 

-Please don’t kill me!- you begged, out of your mind with fear, -P-Please, please, I beg you, please d-don’t kill me, I didn’t do anything w-wrong, I didn’t…-

-Oh, we know, sweetie,- cooed the sun mask, his amused voice so sickly sweet it made you want to gag, -We believe you!- 

You couldn’t understand what was happening anymore. Were you in danger? Were they going to kill you as well? Why did they kill Jake in the first place? You were going mad and couldn’t even bring yourself to think, all you wanted to do was go home and huddle yourself into a warm nest of blankets. You wanted to wake up and find that the horrifying reality you were living in was actually nothing more than a horror film-induced nightmare. 

-We believe you, really,- the sun’s voice came down to a docile whisper as one of his gloved hands brushed against your cheek, making you whine and attempt to curl away from his touch. The gloved fingers were cold—so cold. You wanted to puke. -But I’m afraid we can’t let you go away so easily after seeing what happened here.-

His thumb brushed over your parted lips, spreading a drop of blood like it was a gloss, tinting your lips of a deep crimson color, until his finger pressed on the other side of your jaw. You looked up at the man, wide-eyed, as his other huge hand also wrapped around your throat and slowly began to crush your windpipe with his strength. 

-Too bad,- commented the moon-masked man as he began to lean closer. His entire “face”, chest and arms were covered by blood and brain matter, dark and gooey, drenching his white and black top with it, -Would have loved to play a little game with you, just to pass the time, you know? Unfortunately, we still have morals.-

-Yeah,- laughed the sun, -We don’t go for innocent people usually—not unless they give us a reason to dispose of them, of course. Nothing personal, ‘kay? No hard feelings between us?-

You were choking, flailing your hands around while trying to pry his fingers off and scratching yourself in the process, and as your face began to turn red and your vision began to get spotty, your eyes ran from a masked man to the other, hoping at least one of them would have mercy on you.

-Unless,- whispered the moon to his companion, admiring the beautiful way your unconscious body lost all its strength and fell unresponsive on the ground—still far from death, as shown by the slow rise of your chest, -Unless we let this one leave to tell the tale.-

-There’s no tale, Moon,- replied Sun, sending his friend a glare while also parting his hands from your throat. In a few seconds you were probably going to regain consciousness, so he stood up and aimed his bat at your head, -We already talked about this, leaving witnesses is out of the picture. Also, do you mind doing this for me? I already got blood on my gloves, and you know how much I hate finishing them off.-

-But think better about it!- spoke Moon, leaning against the wall, knowing that Sun was not going to give you the final blow himself, -Everyone is town is already aware there’s a pair of fuckers going around killing people, but don’t you think it would make our job much easier if people really started to fear us?-

Sun let go of the bat just to stare at his companion, speechless, like he couldn’t believe the words the other man had said. 

-No, I actually think that would make our job much more difficult,- he said, and Moon scoffed, -People will begin to think we are merciful, which could not be more far from the truth.- 

-I think it would actually show everyone in this city how things work.- Moon put down his hatchet and crossed his arms over his chest, showing Sun that he was actually completely serious. -Innocents will be allowed mercy, while rulebreakers will receive the chop-chop treatment.-

Sun sighed, running one of his gloved hands through his blonde hair in exasperation. 

-First of all, don’t call murdering people “the chop-chop treatment”, that’s weird. Second, you already killed innocents before, so what’s so different now? Third, do you actually believe people will understand?- It was clear, he still didn’t trust Moon’s plan, but Sun never listened to any plan that wasn’t his own, so that didn’t count. 

-They will, if you allow them to live and warn them,- Moon nodded towards your limp body, -Also, the other times it was an accident, okay? Not everything can always go according to plan!-

You were beginning to regain consciousness, groaning on the floor and gasping for air.

-Shit, they’re awake!- Sun said, -Kill them!-

-No, we’re leaving them behind,- insisted Moon, grabbing his friend’s wrist and pulling him away from you, -Trust me just this once, it’ll work out in our favor.- 

Sun was hesitating, looking at you, slowly waking up, then at his companion. He couldn’t figure out the best course of action, so he just groaned and let himself be dragged away. 

-Alright, just this once!- he allowed, -Consider this a treat, Moon, because it won’t happen ever again!-

The duo left through the broken back door, walking into the dark parking lot and looking around for any car or passerby in sight, while you blinked your eyes open on the bloodied floor of the diner where you were mindlessly taking orders and serving customers just a few hours prior. Your whole body was in pain, your arms felt heavy and sore, while your throat felt like it had been rubbed with sandpaper both on the inside and on the outside. You finally managed to completely open your eyes and stare at the ceiling, still not believing that you were still alive. What had convinced the two killers to spare you? Which one had mellowed the other into showing mercy? You couldn’t say, there were too many things you couldn’t explain to yourself, but as you turned your head around to look at Jake’s lifeless body next to you, your eyes came to an halt on his chest, where the moon—his killer—had left a plastic bag containing a bunch of colorful pills. For a second you felt dazed, until you understood that the two clowns were leaving a clear message. They didn’t like the idea of people selling drugs to highschoolers, and that was probably the same reason why you were left alive, unscathed except for the blossoming bruises the sun’s hands had left on your neck, red and angry against your skin. They had spared you because you hadn’t hurt anyone;  that explained the words the moon guy had told Jake in the kitchen and why you were still allowed to breathe, but it didn’t excuse the viciousness behind the duo’s actions.

The blood around you was expanding, soaking your hair and work shirt as well, and for some reason your first thought was that it felt incredibly warm, like there was some possibility that Jake was still breathing beside you, like his heart could still be pumping blood in his veins, like you could turn around and see him alive and well. Of course, that wasn’t the case.

You had been graced with life, and that night, on the unswept and bloody floor of a diner, you decided you were going to do everything in your power to keep things that way, in case the astral duo ever changed their minds and came back for you. They had spared you once, and you weren’t going to give them a reason to take that gift back.

[charmercharm3r]

Make Love, Not Porn

Play Time!

HHJ

Masterlist, Series Masterlist

18+ content — minors, do not interact.

wc: 3.8k

Synopsis: You crave a life of normalcy, he craves you. And he'd do anything to keep you, even if you're for the world to see.

warnings: barista!hyunjin x cam girl!reader, smut, explicit sexual content, masturbation (m, f), he's a little obsessed, easing into the smuttier smut if that's even a thing.

Live : Play Time!

Next Scheduled Broadcast : Heat Signature

☆ﾟ

Rule number one; everybody is temporary.

There is no love in this industry, no trust, no friends, only coworkers that all want the same thing. Sometimes you work with them more than once, other times– most times, it’s a one-and-done deal.

They never want to stay anyways, you learned that lesson the hard way. It’s why you set up such a tough wall to break through, there’s no point in befriending anyone on your side of the pond.

It’s scary, really, how quickly you can be moaning someone’s name, kissing them like you need them to breathe, touching and feeling them as intimately as someone who truly was in love. Then as soon as the livestream ends, you can’t remember what their lips feel like and everything smells like latex and sweat. You offer them some water, snacks, a shower. They usually decline. Minutes later, your front door is shutting and you’re alone once again.

No one ever intends on getting into porn, you don’t even remember the details on how you ended up here. Your follower count had risen overnight and before you knew it, that one video had gotten you more money in a week than a month’s worth of minimum wage ever did. The humiliation was nonexistent considering you hadn’t even posted yourself naked that first time, if anything you were excited to post again. Who knew a video of you just sitting in a chair, playing with yourself under your skirt with your knees pressed closed would take off so rapidly. That thirty second video changed your life.

– fuck, who is this?? are they new??

– thats so hot. face reveal?

– show us your tits

– god i wanna fuck u so bad

– suck my dick pls

Those comments didn’t bother you, it was a little flattering if you were being honest with yourself. People wanted you, they don’t even know your real name, have never seen your face or what you look like in the sunlight. They don’t know you and yet, you’re everything to them, so much so that they pay you for your time, and body. They fill your wallet just for you to read their comment out loud, attention whores for you. And you love it. For some reason, their praise is much more fulfilling than anyone you've guested on your livestreams.

Recently, though, you’ve stopped bringing people on, not much to your viewer’s disapproval. There was more interaction and less vulgarity, like they wanted you to actually speak to them rather than just stuff your pussy with whatever new dildo you’d been gifted in your PO box.

You hadn’t planned on having such a personal stream today, you honestly just wanted the relief and thought your viewers would have a good time. But for some reason, the comments were less about getting you to take your clothes off and more about why your voice was shaking.

“It’s okay, I’m okay. Really!” Even you could hear the subtle octave change. “If you wanted me to cry, you could’ve just said please. You know I’ll do anything for you.” 

Perhaps the forced sultriness of your voice worked its charm, the comments quickly switched back to their normal obscenities once you started to unbutton your top. Truthfully, you preferred when they asked you to get naked, it was a lot easier to do than to admit what it was you were really lacking. Honest companionship is the rarest thing.

Rule number two: no identifying features.

Even if you weren’t ashamed, your job is still taboo. No one and everyone knew what it was you did. Your best friend helped you pick lingerie and background mood lighting, your parents thought you were an office worker. Strangers have seen your most private parts, you only allow your grandma to give you a kiss on the cheek during Christmas. Safe to say your occupation was strictly need-to-know.

You’re glad you started live streaming before deciding to get any tattoos, running the risk of someone stopping you in the middle of the street was the most terrifying thing you could imagine happening. Naturally, you avoided getting anything at all once your streams started to really take off.

There was nothing you wore to accessorize unless a patron paid for it in advance, that was always done a week before streams and the contact with the patron was never more than a simple google form and an email from your business account to confirm. Other than that, you were a blank canvas, just a body with a voice that left more to the imagination than you would think. If your viewers were happy, you were happy.

“What do you think of my new nail color? A special someone picked it out for me,” you held out your hands to display the pretty shine, twiddling your fingers. The comments went crazy, “no, no, not anyone like that, c’mon! You know you’re my number one. But I think you should all give lovely user callingherdaddy a thank you for picking it out. Thank you, sir.”

You took the polish off the next morning.

Rule number three: be consistent.

Nothing kills a steady income more than ghosting the ones that put the money in your pocket. You stuck to a strict schedule of three streams every week and frequent posts on your socials. The stuff you posted on your social media wasn’t even related to your work on camming, but it doesn’t hurt when they leave a couple nice comments. 

With a schedule and job like yours, you need a little bit of normalcy. Self employed, you don’t have a real routine when you aren’t streaming. It was starting to make you feel lazy, a bit lethargic, and overall unmotivated.

It wasn’t until recently did you decide to start doing normal people things, like waking up at 7 a.m., doing a mini work out, grocery shopping in the morning, even getting yourself a coffee from the shop near your house as a treat. Doing this was nice, you felt good, your head was clearer. Hell, you even got excited when it came time to do your cams because you felt so full of energy.

You had only been to the coffee shop once or twice before, but to get yourself to keep the routine, you told yourself you’d go every day for the next two weeks. Afterall, it only takes 21 days to form a habit.

It was packed, as usual for a morning weekday. There were only about six baristas working, all scurrying about the bar to get through the morning rush. You liked watching them, mindlessly completing drinks in such a way that made you a little jealous. Most of them seemed your age, obviously you knew that they couldn’t have all had perfect lives, but at least this part of their day was something they could openly complain about.

Were you really jealous? Of normal people? You had to be insane.

Shaking your head, you walked further into the shop and waited in line. You thought nothing of it, placing your order, “iced chai with three blonde shots, please,” and handed the barista the card, “thank you.”

You barely looked up at him, only when he held onto your card a little longer as you tried to take it back did you make eye contact. A little awkward, the barista was staring at you with wide eyes. He was handsome, too handsome to be working behind the counter. Long black hair framed his face nicely, pretty plump lips, and an endearing little mole under his eye that made his siren stare only slightly less intimidating. Yeah, handsome.

He didn’t look away even after he let you take your card back.

“S– sorry. You look like–”

“It’s okay. Thanks again.” You hurried away as fast as you could. He couldn’t have known who you were, right? Not a chance, you have never shown your face. You were wearing too many clothes for any particular body part to be recognizable. It’s just a coincidence.

Either way, the minor interaction with the barista scared you into hiding again, forgetting going out for anything else you had planned and deciding to hole away at home.

You had a livestream to do later anyways, focus on that. There were a few hours left for you to kill before turning on the camera, now would be as good a time as any to set up.

It wasn’t much that you did, mostly just thinking of what it was you thought viewers would like to see for the day. An hour before the scheduled stream, you set up a waiting room on the website that hinted at what the day’s theme would be. Today you thought you’d go a little easy on the eyes; “live soon, hardcandysweetheart: play time! <3”

A typical stream would start off soft, greeting viewers like any other meeting. You’d ask how their day was, if there was anything in particular they wanted to do or talk about, some answered genuinely while others urged you to strip. You liked the ones that asked you how your day was, too, and enjoyed sharing your thoughts with them. Though, it was no secret what everyone was here for, even if sometimes– just sometimes, you liked what came before taking off your clothes more than anything.

“I have a few things in mind for play time today, I’d like to hear what you guys think. Would you prefer this,” in your hand, you held up your favorite vibrator, big and baby pink. “Or this?” in the other, a new grinder that resembled the shape of a tentacle with the sucker-side up.

Comment section didn’t slow down as soon as you showed the second toy. “I thought you might like this one. I got it just for you! I’m excited to try it out with you.”

– im so fucking hard

– i wanna see ur pussy

– thats so nice, ur sweet

“Slow down! Haha, we’re gonna take our time,” you laughed away the weird feeling in your chest as you read the fleeing comments. “You’re so impatient today, lovely. Did you have a hard day? I know I did,” you slowly peeled down the blouse you wore, letting it hang off your shoulders to expose your bare shoulders. It seemed redundant to wear a bra, but you kept the shirt covering your breasts for dramatic effect, hard nipples peaking through.

“I just wanna take it a little more… gentler, if that’s alright.” The camera was angled to cut off at your neck to avoid showing your face, but you bit your lip anyways as you held up the grinder. “It’s a little out of my comfort zone, honestly. I’ve never told you about this fantasy before.” You ran your finger down the rubber center, feeling the many little suction cups bend.

You giggled as you came to the swirled tip of the tentacle, playing with the way it curled and how pliable it was. “When I ordered this, they let me choose the color. I think pink suits me, don’t you? But I also thought, maybe blue? Or black… but then it would be too hard for you to see, right?”

As you spoke, you laid the grinder between your legs but not quite touching it. With two fingers, you stroked it the same way you would your own pussy. Your other free hand was doing just that right behind the toy and beneath the length of your shirt, feeling your wetness building up with your hand down your panties. “Oh my, just talking to you– my underwear is soaked!” The giggle that left your lips was genuine, you didn’t expect to work yourself up so quickly.

You stole your fingers from your cunt and showed it to the camera, spreading them to let your viewers see the slick coating shine in the soft lighting. “Heh, told ya I was excited. You make me like this.”

When you started to really get going it was hard to pay attention to the comments, you tended to get a little lost until you finally came. Like now, you brought the toy closer to your core, lightly lifting yourself to sit on it. As soon as you did, you let out a whimper.

Hyunjin had never felt so embarrassed in his life. He doesn’t even know why, he couldn’t have been sure of anything.

Except he was. He was 100% sure, plus another 10% for good measure. He hadn’t even known about the site for long, you were just his favorite. He’d found hardcandysweetheart and never bothered to look anywhere else.

You were just another customer at first, a pretty one that caught his attention. He noticed you in line and had every intention of flirting and possibly asking for you to sign up for the rewards program with them just so he could use that as an excuse to get your number. Then you spoke.

All you fucking did was speak. “Please,” and “thank you,” and Hyunjin fucking crumbled.

Jesus, he must have looked like an idiot. He knows he did, but he was star struck. Fanboying, red in the face with embarrassment, about to fold at the knees, and hard as a fucking rock all at the same time. He had to excuse himself to the restroom as soon as you left just to get his boner to go away.

If it really was you– and he hoped to god it wasn’t– he’ll never forget such a pretty face.

Which is why he turned on notifications for your stream. He knew your schedule by heart but he needed to be sure that it was your voice he heard. As soon as he got home from his shift, clothes came off and he was sat in bed with his laptop nearby, just waiting for the ping notification from you.

God, it was you. As soon as he heard you through his headphones, it confirmed what he already knew.

What a kind voice, supple, soft, he could listen to you for hours– he has listened to you for hours. Sometimes he wished you could do live streams of just you talking, you never even had to take your clothes off. Now that he knew what you looked like, Hyunjin’s heartbeat faster than it ever did when you made conversation.

It was the way you did, as though you were speaking to him and only him. The image he created of you in his head looked like it was thought up by a child in comparison to seeing you in real life. He could put a face to the voice now, he wasn’t even thinking about your body. Just your voice.

“You make me like this,” you said in almost a whisper, tone cracking just a little the more you sat on the toy.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but palm at himself, not entirely stroking but moving at the same pace. This was a team effort, in his mind. You made him crazy, as he did to you. That was his fantasy. You always spoke with so much love in your voice, as though you truly cared for him and it got him harder than any other kind of porn ever could.

Was that really all it took? Was he that pathetic? Someone who didn’t even know who he was, talking to an ocean of people that all saw the same thing he did, and suddenly it’s the only thing that can make him cum.

He can’t even complain now, he’s seen you. That’s enough spank bank to last him a lifetime if you ever suddenly decided to stop camming. Shit– he hopes he didn’t just manifest that into existence.

The white button up top draped in front of your cunt to hide away from view. That’s alright, you said you were taking it slow today. Your hips slowly pushed forward and back, hands gripping tightly at the armrests of your uncomfortable looking desk chair. Hyunjin thought it was kind of cute how you would still cam in the same seat as you did when he found your first video. 

His laptop on his abdomen concealed the view of his cock leaking, but the way you were sat on screen, he could envision it was him you were sitting on instead. That’s exactly what he imagined as you rocked faster into the toy, lifting your shirt and balling it in your fist to show that your wetness had spread to the front of your panties. Hyunjin didn’t even mind that the bold pink tentacle blocking a bit of the view, you were getting so into it that he hardly noticed anymore.

Hyunjin fumbled to find his dick, slowly beginning to squeeze the head as you turned to shorter and quicker ruts towards the front of the toy where the tentacle curled up. You moaned loudly, making him do so as well in return. “Fuck, I ruined this pair, didn’t I?”

Your cute laugh had Hyunjin breaking out into a smirk, “that’s okay,” he whispered to no one but himself.

“I should take it off but,” you rolled your hips again with a whine, “I kinda want you to work for it.”

The tips in the corner of the page were pinging like crazy as soon as you said that. He himself tapped the button rapidly and paid no mind to how his account balance shot down.

“C’mon now, don’t be shy. It’s just one little word that I wanna hear. I’ll say it first, if that makes you feel better.” The speed of your hips picked up a little, in turn Hyunjin let his fist slowly work up and down, no faster than you, of course.

“Please. Please, is the word I’m looking for, lovely. Say it, just once.”

Fuck, he couldn’t help speeding up just a little. He loved the way you said it, even more the way you commanded him to say it as well. “Please,” the whimper came out breathy and uneven as the precum lubricated his cock more.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Hyunjin shook his head, no. 

“No, it wasn’t. Look what happens when you ask nicely,” you stood from your seat just to pull off the flimsy fabric, sitting fully back down on the toy and holding up the soaked pair with another chuckle. “You get nice things.”

Hyunjin could hear how wet you really were now, every lewd sound that came from you rubbing yourself back and forth on the grinder. You still didn’t let him– them– see you fully. He wasn’t even sure if you’d expose yourself at all this stream. Still, his fist picked up speed as you did, taking in every grunt you let out when you’d hit a particularly good spot. Hyunjin kept his eyes on you the whole time, memorizing the way you moved, what angle made you tick.

“C’mon lovely, I know you can do better than that.”

You were referring to the tip counter, but Hyunjin took it as he can do better than that. His other hand reached around the laptop, down to cup his balls as he worked his cock faster, occasionally running his fingers over the head for a break in stimulation. Somehow he managed to stop touching himself for a split second to rapid fire extra tips when they slowed down.

“Oh, someone wants a little extra attention today. What do I call you, lovely?” Hyunjin wasn’t sure if you were speaking to him, though he hoped and typed a nickname anyways. “Baby? That’s cute. Thank you, baby, you’re so sweet.”

His hand instantly returned to his dick, not caring about the speed anymore, instead wanting to cum to the sound of your voice. He quickly tapped the tip button a few more times and you giggled, “baby, you’re spoiling me. Here, since you’re being so nice,” you lifted the hem of your shirt to put your bare cunt on display, seemingly tucking the end of it into your mouth.

Hyunjin could see it so clearly, your pretty lips drooling onto the fabric, biting it to contain the moans that wanted to slip past. Fuck, he was going insane, wet, slick noises from his animalistic fisting on his cock almost surpassing the volume of your voice in his headphones. 

He just watched now, listened intently to how good you were making yourself feel and it made his body light a fire. You were clearly getting closer as well, forgetting the dirty talk and humping away at the toy with little to no regard for who was watching. Hyunjin loved this side of you the most, when you couldn’t think of anything other than the impending pleasure. He could imagine your eyes rolling back, the furrow in your brow and beads of sweat dripping down your temples as you came nearer to falling over the edge. Your hands moved to grip the edge of the seat, aiding in pushing your body forward and back harder against the grinder and Hyunjin was jerking himself with a hotter fervor. Your muffled cries echoed in his head– he was making you feel like this, he was the one you were using to please yourself, he was the one you thought of as you came all over his cock.

Hyunjin suddenly held his breath and let his release take over his body, squeezing and pumping the tip of his cock as he spurt his seed all over his stomach and back of his computer. By the time he’d come to, opened his eyes, and regained his breath, you were slumped back in your chair and panting heavily. He missed your grand finale, but that was okay with him, you came at the same time. Even in post nut clarity, he wanted to hear your voice. More than that, he wanted to hold you, run his fingers through your hair, kiss you until you were breathless all over again.

Hyunjin’s shaky hand found the tip button again and tapped.

“Thank you, baby.” He smiled.

You groaned and found the strength to steal the toy from your aching cunt, holding it up for the camera to see it glistening with your essence. Laughing, “this was fun, wasn’t it? I enjoyed myself, I might have to buy more of these.” You tossed it onto the desk and suddenly seemed shy, tugging your shirt as far down as you could without exposing more skin. “Until next time, lovely. I’ll miss you.” You waved your dainty fingers at the camera, doing your signature sign off, and the screen went black.

Hyunjin’s head fell back into his pillows, staring at the ceiling trying to understand all the emotions he just rushed through. 

He couldn’t compute them even if he tried. All he knew was that he was excited to go to work tomorrow morning, hoping that whatever god heard his plea, begging that you’ll come in.

When he went to shut his laptop, his fingers smeared the warm mess that was slowly dripping. “Fuck— ew,” and he hurried to clean up, alone once again.

☆ﾟ

tags: @sensitiveandhungry @babebatter @changbinluvr @epiphanynaffit @fawnpeaks @linovely @dumplinbokkieracha @finnydraws @naturules @djeniryuu @hamburgers101 @skzhomiehopper @yesv01 @hyunjinsamdl @dazzlingligth @alexis-reads-fics @linaliskz @0002linoskitten @chillichillicrabcrab23 @zerefdragn33l @straycrescent @binnies-donuts @soldierstangirl-blog @bakedlilgoonie @levanterlily @shelbyyy44 @yeetmehome @in2heartz @astroodledream @the-sweetest-rose @goblinracha @lilbugs-things @viviennenstan @staurdvst @alex--awesome--22 @imzenning @jeyelleohe @iadorethemskz @skyvastbunny @mamabymychem @katsukis1wife @woozarts @noellllslut

[livingformintyoongi]

Romcoms night | A BTS Series

The movie theater lights begin to dim as the curtains that lightly cover the large screen are pulled aside to leave it completely uncovered. It is only then, when there is no trace of light or fabric to block the view, that the countdown to the start of the film begins. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0...

| Kim Seokjin

Tired of waiting for a marriage proposal from your boyfriend, you decide to travel to Ireland to try out an old Irish tradition celebrated on February 29th. The problem? A severe storm stops your flight and forces you to stop on the Emerald Isle, miles away from your destination and your fiancé.

With time against you, you decide to ask for help to the handsome -but extremely irritating- innkeeper of a small hotel near the area, willing to do anything to reach your boyfriend and ask for his hand in marriage.

| Min Yoongi

Your life, in a nutshell, was perfect; you had a dream house, with an amazing husband and a good paying job. Things were finally starting to go uphill in your life - after the failed love affair you had before you met Yoongi -.

However, not all things are rosy, and that, to your misfortune, you found out in the worst possible way; arriving at your house -now in pieces- and finding your perfect husband holding a gun to his best friend's head.

| Jung Hoseok

Working as a ticket seller on the subway was not your idea of an ideal job, not even close. Your goals in life were far from being fulfilled with the minimum wage you were offered, but none of that mattered, not when you had Mingyu coming and going through the cars every morning and evening.

He was your dream man; handsome, tall, charismatic… you were completely in love with him, you would do anything to help him, even if it meant pretending to be his girlfriend to his family after he lost his memory in an accident at the station where you worked.

| Kim Namjoon

You were always an organized person, your life was planned from start to finish, every detail perfectly polished. Absolutely nothing could disarm that order that you had tried so hard to put in your life.

Until a little girl and an obnoxious co-worker come into your life, turning everything you believed in upside down, and messing up your idea of a perfect life.

| Park Jimin

Since you were a child you had had an impeccable taste for fashion, you loved touching those fine fabrics that covered people's bodies with beauty and elegance, how a single garment could make you feel like the queen of the world, just by the way you could wear it.

It was that same obsessive love you had for fashion that you ended up in this situation; working for a stupid finance entrepreneur, in a boring and horrible magazine you had never even heard of, going to great lengths to get to your dream job as a writer at the most famous fashion magazine in town.

| Kim Taehyung

Your job as a "night companion" had always been difficult for you, from the discomfort of flirting with complete strangers to the fact that you had to take them to bed. But there wasn’t much you could do; you didn’t earn enough money to afford a decent life. You could barely pay for a shared apartment, let alone a college education.

You had lost all hope of living a peaceful life, far from the dangerous streets and one-night stands—or at least that was the case until Kim Taehyung came into your life.

| Jeon Jungkook

Saying that the people at your workplace hated you was an understatement. You were quite a... strict boss. You liked efficient people, those who acted instead of talked; your life was far too busy to worry about such insignificant details, and you expected everyone to act—or at least pretend—that they shared the same mindset as you.

It was precisely that kind of thinking that led you to ask—beg—your secretary, Jeon Jungkook, to marry you. It was a simple business deal, no love involved; he wanted you to help him become a writer, and you needed to stay in the country without being deported. No feelings, no complications, easy and straightforward.

Masterlist.

Dividers by @silkholland <3

[piratefishmama]

Beware The Thorns | Part 8

It wasn’t dark, it wasn’t dank, and it wasn’t dimly lit. Steve didn’t like stereotypes, or cliches. He didn’t like the idea of doing his business in a dark warehouse, or a basement with leaky pipes, he liked adequate lighting and things to be at least slightly sanitary. Robin knew these things, his previous ‘meeting’ had been thrown together by someone else, but Robin knew how to set up a damn fine line up.

Four men, and one woman, sat in chairs lined up next to each other, in the living room space of a currently under-development block of apartments. The one they were in was finished as were a few others, but the rest were still being built, workmen having been sent home for the day with a full days wage for their discretion.

All blindfolded, all tied up, Robin stood behind them alongside two men, back facing a wall, never a window, always with her eye on the door. The door where Steve stood, eyes on the four in front of him as he rolled the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows, hands already covered by gloves.

“What shook loose?”

“These four have talked to Eddie in the past few months. Cant tell you what they said to him, but all four have had direct verbal contact with him in some way shape or form.” Their involvement in what’d happened wasn’t likely, Robin would have bet a good chunk of whatever Steve would pay her for her work, but Steve needed it.

Steve needed to be sure.

“Just these four?” He loosened his tie before easing it away from his neck and hanging it up onto the rack where his coat and suit jacket rested.

“Mmmhm.” Most steered clear of Eddie, Eddie wasn’t to be spoken to, only Steve could talk to Eddie, and if you had to talk to Eddie, it was short, and sweet, and never about anything involving what Steve did for work.

Robin wouldn’t voice her doubts though, that wasn’t her job. Not in this environment anyway. It was her job to deliver these people, and allow Steve to do the rest. Had they been in his office, or in his living room, had he asked her outside of that room if she actually suspected these people, then perhaps it’d be her role to tell him no.

No Steve, your theories are straight up kookie-dook, Eddie just left because that’s what Eddie had to do.

That was not her role in that room. Her role was to stand there, and be quiet until excused.

“You can leave.” He didn’t look at her as he said that. He didn’t watch her as she nodded once and made for the door. She wasn’t a fan of interrogations. He got it, he understood, she’d been in a few herself over the years, the worst one involving Russians. They both had scars from that one. She’d never stayed in on his interrogations for that very reason. It made her uncomfortable knowing he was capable of that.

She liked the chase, liked the hunt, she didn’t like the kill.

He waited for the door to close behind her, to approach the four in front of him. He was grateful for two things, one… efficiency. Robin had conjured these four up within a week. And two, timesaving. She’d put them all together to save time. Amazing.

He motioned for the two extras to come forward and remove the blindfolds. He recognised all four of them.

A driver he fired two months ago for buying questionable things on his company provided credit card that was solely to be used for food and gas while working.

A secretary who still worked for him.

One of the security guards he’d hired on a temporary basis for a charity thing he’d thrown a month ago.

And a dealer from the nearby college. Not employed by him, but surely recognised him, would know who Steve was, would know of his many lucrative side businesses. Steve was instantly suspicious of two of them. The other two not so much.

All four appeared scared, there was no defiance, no faux confidence, or self-satisfaction in any of their expressions. Just fear. “You all recognise me, don’t you?” He didn’t need their answers, he knew they did. “You’re here… because you maybe broke a rule. I don’t want to hurt any of you, that’s not what I want to do. I would very much prefer it if these gloves stayed clean.” He lifted his hands, wiggling the clear gloves he wore on his hands. “Cleaners cost a fair bit, it’s always more for viscera removal.” A sob had him snap his gaze to the woman, stare thunderous, not an ounce of empathy in it. “Stop that. Tears won’t help you.”

She bit her bottom lip, nodded, and fell silent once more.

“The reason I’m beginning with a verbal interrogation, is because I have no real proof that any of you actually broke this rule. So let’s keep this violence free, shall we? I ask you a question, and you answer, I’ll decide if you’re telling the truth or not, sound fair?” Lie detectors didn’t do shit with his employees. They were all trained on them, even the damn secretaries could pass a lie detector test.

He didn’t employ useless people. He didn’t employ liabilities.

He continued when he was met by silence, not one of them wanting to argue less violence should suddenly appear on the menu. “Great! My partner, Eddie Munson… you’ve all met him.” He eyed the dealer, he had no idea that Eddie was taking something, it didn’t change how he saw the man, but… he wished he’d have known, he could have gotten Eddie better than whatever he was getting from elsewhere. “He… left. Me. Usually I’m aware this sort of thing wouldn’t really warrant a line up like this, definitely not an interrogation, but… his leaving doesn’t quite make sense.” He couldn’t make it make sense. Maybe he was just paranoid.

Steve began to pace in front of them, back and forth as he continued on “We were having such a nice night, everything seemed fine, and then… the morning after, out of nowhere, he ended things. Now, trust me, I know sometimes I can get a little in my own head, I can often think everything is fine but be missing glaringly obvious cues to things hurtling toward relationship disaster, but… there were no cues. Gone over it a bunch of times, not a single cue.” He stopped in front of the dealer.

The woman who’d tried tears to lessen whatever blow she was potentially about to receive from the big dangerous man.

“All of you, every single one of you, have spoken to him at least once in the past few months and you all know who I am. What I do. What we don’t know, is what you spoke about, so… one by one, why don’t you tell me?” Steve lowered down to a crouch in front of her, arms resting on his knees, she looked so well put together, but he knew she also worked as a TA at the college. “Stacey, right? Stacey Gingham, twelve Cornwallis, married to… Thomas Gingham, two children, Matthew, and Penelope?” He didn’t need to threaten them, just his knowledge of them was the threat, he watched the realisation of that fact dawn on her face in real time. “Hi… you’re the only one here who’s never worked for me, and so shouldn’t know about the rule. So tell me, how do you know Eddie?”

“I—I work for—”

“It doesn’t matter who you work for, Stacey, it doesn’t, your connections are useless here. I’m not scared of them. Just tell me how you know Eddie and we can get out of this unscathed, okay?” Violence wasn’t the goal here, he didn’t want to hurt them, but he would if necessary.

Innocent or not if they pushed their luck he’d respond as needed.

“He… he buys from me sometimes. His—His brother, Dustin Henderson? He goes to the college, real smart kid, highschooler but he won a place to attend the science classes for free twice a week. Eddie buys weed from me on the days he meets Dustin at the college, that’s all, he only ever buys weed. We talk about his brother, how he’s doing in the class, uh—if he needs any support, I don’t—I didn’t even know he was connected to you, Mr. Harrington, I swear.”

Eddie had a brother? Right… one of the many things he didn’t know about Eddie.

He nodded his head, silent in his processing. Then he stood up, and took one large step to the left of her, stopping at Charlie. His driver. He saw no lie in what she’d said, no break in eye contact, no pupil dilation, just standard stress indicators. She was scared, she wasn’t lying. “Charlie. You spoke to Eddie when you drove him around the city, didn’t you? Did you talk about me?”

“N-Not about you. He didn’t even ask about you Mr. Harrington an—an I know I fucked up with the card, I know I did that an I can’t take that back but—but I know the rule sir, I know it. Even if he’d have asked, sir I wouldn’t have—I wouldn’t have I swear!”

The secretary was next, he was cute, young, bit of a party guy, used to flirt with the sandwich girl at the office whenever she made her way up with Steve’s regular PB&J until she shut him down with a polite ‘you’re not my type’. She had a huge crush on Robin, it was adorable.

It was the same, Eddie had only spoken to him once, and it was about directions to the closest not Starbucks coffee place.

The security guard apologized for any confusion, and told him Eddie had only asked about his job, about other places he’d worked at cause he recognised him from a bar he’d bounced across town. Dead end, after dead end, after dead end.

Not a single viable suspect, not a single liar in the bunch.

He knew many in his position would push harder. Many would resort to violence in a bid to force out another answer, even if another answer didn’t exist. He knew many would kill, pushing it too far only to receive the same answer over and over again until the victim stopped talking. He knew what these people expected to happen to them.

Steve wasn’t that kind of person.

He walked out of that room after giving his two men the instruction to release them, turned to Robin who still stood outside the door, a knowing expression on her face, and simply asked “can you find him for me?”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Part 10

[rainbowsandwhumperflies]

The Winged Servant - 16

content warnings: mentions of royal whump, mention of murder, mentions of the worst possible work environment, panic attack

masterlist | prev chapter

True to Kieran’s word, someone entered my room with a cart of food and clothes and soaps and more things that people didn’t usually give me. They woke me up when they walked in. I hadn’t expected to actually fall asleep.

I watched them with eyes half open as they walked around the room. They looked to be about seventeen. I hadn’t spoken with anyone that young since the nobility had stopped seeing me. Cecily Olan would’ve been fifteen now, but I hadn’t seen her since she was twelve.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t fucking matter. I had to focus on the issue at hand. The servant in the room I was supposed to be sleeping in. They put clothes in the closet, left towels and a toothbrush in the bathroom, did all the right things a servant was supposed to do. I just wasn’t used to being on this end of it.

I would’ve been quieter than them, anyway. My footsteps were lighter, softer, practiced not to interrupt anyone. I was better as a servant than a guest.

They were putting a tray of food on the table next to my bed when they noticed my open eyes. They yelped, dropping the tray the last couple inches it had to go, and I flinched into the pillow. “My apologies, Mx.”

“Oh, that’s fine,” they whispered, as if still nervous of waking me. “Sorry. I just didn’t notice you. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

I stood up, getting unsteadily off of the bed and onto my knees. “May I ask a question of you, Mx?”

“Oh. Uh. Sure. But you don’t have to, like, do… that.”

I leaned forward further, too tired to fight against the instincts that I’d been given by the royal family. “Kieran believes himself to be king, Mx. Do the subjects believe that as well?”

“Uh. Yeah. I mean, we all willingly pay taxes to him, so I’m not sure how much more believing we’re supposed to get. I don’t know how philosophical you want me to be here, I’m really just working during school holidays for extra cash.”

“He said that the royal- um. The Rao family, Mx. He said that they were cruel to- to their servants.” I was withholding information. Not technically allowed. But this person would act differently toward me if I told them the whole truth. “Is Kieran… is your king less cruel?”

“He doesn’t kill people, which is nice. Also, he pays us living wages. The bar’s low, but Lucia didn’t check either of those boxes, so yeah, I’d say he’s pretty nice. Were you a servant back when they were ruling? One of the cooks yesterday said that the princes would just watch servants do their jobs sometimes. Just… waiting for them to mess up so that they could berate them. Is that true?”

I stared intently at the floor. “Does Kieran not, Mx?”

“No. That’s creepy as shit. Also, he has better things to do, like actually take care of the kingdom. Best part of working here, though, is the gossip. Friend of a friend said that the royal family’s locked up downstairs. Sorry that you had to do that, but nice that they won’t get another servant ever again, right? Do you need anything else?”

“... No, Mx. Thank you for your kindness.”

“Sure. That button by the light switch will call someone if you change your mind.”

If I changed my mind. Right. As if I was ever going to ask for another person to come serve me. And a traitor, no less. The kingdom had truly abandoned the royal family because they’d kept their servants performing at top quality? Or- what had they said about Kieran?

I’d say he’s pretty nice.

The kingdom had abandoned the royal family in the pursuit of kindness. Was that enough reason to abandon someone? Not the royal family. Certainly not the royal family. There was never enough reason to abandon the royal family.

Kindness didn’t factor into that. It didn’t matter. It never could.

~

The clothes left in my closet were close to my measurements. Closer, at least, than the clothes I usually wore—old clothes of the princes. I wondered if Kieran had gotten these clothes made just for me. Like breakfast had been made for me. Like the tray of food I hadn’t yet touched, sitting on the bedside table in the room that Kieran had prepared for me.

All of a sudden, it was too much. Too much for me to ever think of repaying. Was this his plan? To give me things I couldn’t reject until my debt was too great to ever leave? I crumpled to the floor and buried my head in my arms. Crying wouldn’t help me now. Crying didn’t ever help. That didn’t stop the physical reaction.

I let myself be frustrated for about two minutes before standing up unsteadily and wiping away any wetness left on my face. If Kieran had given me clothes, he must have wanted me to wear them. This was not some unsolvable mystery, and I did not have time to cry about it as if it were. All I had to do was put on the clothes. But they were clean clothes, and I was disgusting. I had been busy here, aiding the royal family in the attempted overthrow, instead of showering last night. I had slept here, against a wall, instead of changing into clean clothes.

Fine. A shower and then I would change.

The shower was different, too. I kept the lights off to avoid staring at the tiles. It did not help. The blue and white pattern had burned its way into my memory. Blue and white like the wallpaper, like the bedding. Fit for a king. Not for a servant.

I didn’t feel that much cleaner by the time I got out, but since when had it ever mattered how I felt? Logically, I was more clean.

Waiting in the closet were jeans and a t-shirt. Different from the dress that the other servant had been wearing, which either meant that there was not a uniform or that I wasn’t supposed to be a servant. The collar of the t-shirt had not been cut out, which meant that it stretched uncomfortably tight under my wings. But it was not painful. And I could have handled it even if it was.

The servant had not left me a clock. And even if they had, it would not have mattered, because Kieran did not say when he was coming back for me.

All I could do was wait.

I sat on the bed counting seconds. I got to about two hundred before the itch in my fingers became too strong to ignore. It was Tuesday. I was supposed to be cleaning bathrooms. And I had showered anyway, so I could clean up after myself and wash the blue and white tiles, at the least. There were brushes and baking soda under the sink.

This was easy. This was what I was supposed to be doing, I thought as I scrubbed back and forth. It was so much easier than guessing at what I was supposed to say or do. Cleaning had a routine, and I knew it, and I was good at it. I was a good servant. I could be a good servant, no matter where I was, right?

I had to be.

~

taglist: @kaleidoscope-of-thoughts @toyybox @rainydaywhump @risk606 @jay--o

@fuckcapitalismasshole @cepheusgalaxy

[lady-sigyn]

This is just something that came out of my realization that there has been a war being waged in the world since I was a child. And honestly, that's beyond fucking terrifying. I've written this piece to share my feelings and realizations. You can reblog but please don't repost to another site, especially without my permission.

********************************

There’s a War Going On

There’s a war going on—more than one actually.

Yet I still get up each morning, have a cup of coffee, and get ready for work. My days are the same as I do chores, buy groceries, and tell my cats that no, they can’t have another snack.

And there’s still a war going on.

I turn on my phone or my TV and images of blood, death, and loss are everywhere. I no longer know whether I should feel rage or hatred toward the ones who started the war, or the people who have the power to stop it but stay silent.

After all, the ones who started the war aren’t the ones suffering.

No, feelings of pain, loss, anger, resentment, tiredness, and numbness belong to the child who’s looking for her parents who have just been bombed before her eyes, the mother trying to keep what’s left of her family safe, and the father and son trying to decide whether their family will be safer if they fight or safer if they stay.

Those in power—the ones who can stop the war—count on our feelings of helplessness and resignation. We are desensitized to war, famine, hunger, inequality, injustice, loss, pain, and the death of thousands of people whose names are being ignored in favor of disinformation and control.

But they are not numbers or casualties. They are people with names, families, friends, pets, talents, skills, and lives.

And they deserve more than the cruelty they have received in life and in death.

We have become numb shells who feel like we can’t do anything to stop a war, so we’ll wait and hope someone else handles it. Instead, we’ll use our smart devices to gain our next dose of dopamine created by a five second video on a meaningless app.

But there’s still a war going on.

How is it fair to the innocent people being injured and killed every second of every day? I live in a country where being born a woman is one of the most dangerous things you can be. Every time I leave the house, I have no idea whether I’m going to make it back as I left it—or if I’m going to make it home at all.

Yet the fear I feel isn’t even close to a fraction of the fear that the innocent experience every day as their entire lives and identities are stolen from them

But the wars being waged in countries that are not my own don’t care about your gender, your age, your race, or your religion. No, they only truly care about power and control. Yet it is those who are killed who pay and they didn’t even start the war.

They aren’t the ones who will write the history books either.

Those who won will tell the stories of the people they murdered and they will stand on a stage built on the bodies of the innocent, being congratulated by the villains for their bravery and heroism while wearing medals that are nothing more than badges of blood.

-LM-

[gobbluthbutagirl]

looking back it’s really SO insane how i tried to get promoted at target JUST for the pay raise and they couldn’t actually promote me because they only have so many “slots” available for leadership positions and they had already used up the one that would’ve been mine promoting a guy to be a second closing lead because the first guy they promoted to be closing lead(we were only supposed to have one!) was struggling too much. so they instead made me start doing the WORK of a lead WITHOUT the pay raise and they were like “oh this other lead will be your mentor! you’ll communicate closely with her and be second-in-command!” and the bitch(i’m sorry women) literally just straight up stopped communicating with me at all not even a month(during which i had to fight for my life just to get ahold of her because she NEVER answered her fucking walkie) in which continued until i left 2 months later. and there was no timeline for anything, nobody able to give me even a basic description of what the role THEY LITERALLY CREATED FOR ME was even supposed to be, no indication that i would EVER actually get the pay raise i wanted. and they expected me to just be okay with all of that and the fact that the existing leadership was both totally incompetent and making way more money than i was when i didn’t even make a living wage. ummmmmm. No!

[christaspirit]

This almost perfectly fits an alternate version of an OC of mine… hm…

It probably happened at some point with someone else though, so let’s go for it!

-

Working with the League of Heroes had been her dream since she’d unlocked her meta abilities. Like, super strength, durability, and flight?! Classics! She loved helping people too!

Initially, she started doing small hero things on the side whilst she finished up high school, and then, she was lucky enough to be approached by the League! They’d heard of her and offered her a position to join!

She spent more time with them than she did at home, with parents who couldn’t care less for her. The pay was minimum wage, but she was still in high school, and living with her parents, so it was fine.

But then she turned 18.

Her parents kicked her out, and even though she’d been saving for the last 8 months, she had nowhere near enough to afford an apartment. Getting a second job was out of the question, she got called on for missions often, questions would be asked. It was heavily discouraged if you worked with the League.

So she threw herself into league work, dropping out of high school. She needed money, and despite asking, she wasn’t given a raise.

She wanted to believe in the League still. Sure, the rules were a bit loose at times, and they called her out of school for missions at times, but they did a lot of good!

But then Blackstar, one of the top members, had his younger sister quit the league and vanish into thin air.

It had been a long time coming. Fern Amery, AKA Daybreak, had been a member of the League since she was 13, just after she’d gotten her powers. Despite that, she had been on one total mission. Most of the world didn’t even know what her powers were (plants, though many assumed water because of her blue costume). It wasn’t that she was bad at her job or anything. She was the most skilled out of all the teen heroes. But her brother was overprotective to a fault. Fern had practically been raised at the League, taught most of the teen heroes to fight, yet every mission request was turned down.

What exactly had caused her to quit out of the blue was a mystery. Well, sorta. The mission she’d been on, dealing with a killer robot, had something to do with it. But whether it had to do with the called for destruction on the suddenly harmless robot or the odd… disappearance of the man who’d created the robot was up for debate.

Off topic, whoops.

Packing the last of her things into her bag, Jade Stone, AKA Rebecca McLean stared around at the small room that she gad lived in for the past almost two years.

The League gave her a minimum wage. They gave her a place to sleep. They gave her food.

But there were more underlying issues that she hadn’t noticed before.

What exactly had happened to the man who made the robot was a secret kept by the higher ups, but rumors of him having been killed were spreading. The rumors of what had happened to Lady Arsenic, and whether her manor burning down was actually an accident had started up again.

And the thing about living at the League’s base was… you were expected to be ready to do hero things at all hours of the day. If you were at the base, you had to be working, there was no time for personal activities or hobbies.

But she was never going to get her own space at this pay rate.

Rebecca closed her bag, and shouldered it, leaving the room the way it had been when she’d first used it.

She wanted to use her powers to help people, but not to the point when she lost herself. She didn’t want to become like Blackstar. He’s started out like she had, a teen hero with stars in his eyes. Fern had looked up to him.

But along the way he had changed.

She refused to be like that.

One of the several “villain” teams had offered her a place in their ranks. They had good pay, she could get her GED, go to college, get an actual job, whilst still helping people. Even if it was more… morally grey this way.

She would’ve loved to join the hero team Fern had started, and when she’d reached out to Fern (Fern’s location wasn’t really a secret, her brother had been half stalking her and her new teammates) she’d been willing to let her join. The team seemed great too. The gal behind the chair (likely the robot, and also Fern’s girlfriend), Silverwolf the alien shapeshifter, Shepard the no power genius, and even Cardinal, the absolute sunshine (though she was a mystery. No one knew how her powers worked (she wasn’t a meta, nor was she alien), nor did anyone know her identity, something that Blackstar was extremely upset about).

But the issue was that Fern didn’t provide pay at all. She didn’t make much money herself, nor did the others, and there was still the issue of working a regular job. Not to mention Rebecca didn’t have a high school diploma.

So a “villain” team it was.

Rebecca let out a deep breath, and headed out to her new life.

So long, League of Heroes. It was good while it lasted, but she needed something else.

-

Characters mentioned (full names that might have not been disclosed):

Blackstar AKA Kiran Amery (hero)

Daybreak Vera AKA Fern Amery (hero)

Automated Vengeance Android AKA Ava (hero)

Silverwolf AKA L'ynx Kenshin (hero)

Shepard AKA Rheagan Auger (hero)

Cardinal AKA ??? (hero)

Jade Stone AKA Rebecca McLean (hero villain??)

Lady Arsenic (villain, deceased)

You are a superhero who joined a team for pay and benefits. However, the pay is minimum wage since you have no education and they made it so you are blackballed in the civilian world so you can’t work there either. So imagine their surprise when you joined the villain’s team.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2012 Got up at the crack of dawn. Another day of vroom, vroom, vroom… buzz, buzz, buzz… with maybe a few woofs thrown in. And those little pig worries playing on the back of my mind, of course. :-( But I’d rather vroom, buzz, woof than oink, oink, oink.

In a chipper mood and looking pretty fashionable for a work-at-home housewife with no plans to go anywhere today.

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 2012 I really hope last night’s dream was as meaningless as can be. Especially with my accuracy rate for seeing bad dreams play out in real life. Or at least something bad plays out after a bad dream. He was laid off in the dream and we were in some kind of fancy shelter, as funny as that may sound. Tom assured me the dream was too silly and ridiculous to mean anything. I hope so! But yeah, the shelter had beds much as you’d find in a hotel. You had a double bed, a nightstand and a round table that could be made “private” by pulling a curtain around the area like you would in a hospital room. Instead of being in a large room, it was long and narrow and carpeted. Our “room” was at the front end across from where someone sat at a desk.

I looked at the bed at one point to decide which side I wanted to sleep on. I chose the side closest to the table where the iPod would sit that didn’t even remotely resemble an iPod in the dream.

Then I stepped outside the curtain and looked out a large window to see a confused woman driver stalling in the middle of an intersection, unsure of where to go and pissing off fellow motorists.

Suddenly Tom and I were outside and we seemed to be stuck down in Arizona. Not a very safe place for whites to be, especially if those bullies with badges try to mess with you, but that’s where I “sensed” we were. I made a comment about there not being any birds around and Tom told me they all went to New York, LOL.

Again, I hope this dream isn’t a warning of anything bad to come. Although it’s been busy at work, we’re coming up to around the time when he would be laid off if that were going to happen. Besides, in the 4½ years we’ve been in this state we haven’t been allowed to have more than 6 months of smooth sailing at a time. He just learned that you can apply for permanent positions where he works. The only problem is that they’re minimum-wage jobs and he would have to take a hefty pay cut. Better to make more money as a temp than a little as a permanent, at least for now.

Tom says it’s getting close to where you can get a job in just a couple of weeks as was the case when we moved to Oregon in 2004 and here in 2007, but I think if he got laid off I may be tempted to just shove everything we could possibly fit into the car and head for Nebraska. I’d rather it not happen, though!

It’s just that I spent 30 or 40 bucks yesterday having fun at Kmart and Goodwill. We both still do like to shop and live life every now and then. We ate at KFC, too.

I got a couple of really colorful necklaces and this really cool bundle of bangles with glittery water inside of clear tubes with splashes of color. I don’t suppose most people my age would care for them, but I’ve always liked shiny and colorful things.

One of the coolest things I got is these decorative nail decals that you simply stick on. They seem to hold up quite well, too. I almost got kids’ nails that you glue on since my fingers/nails are so small, but I never cared for those things anyway.

I saw a really nice pair of boots I’m going to go back for at some point so long as everything continues to go well for us. They were black, low-cut boots without much of a heel. They’d look great in the winter when it’s too cold for sandals. I’d wear them with jeans and dressier tops that would look funny with sneakers.

I also saw a couple of pairs of earrings I liked. I may not have to have the lobe on my “fake” ear re-pierced if I just stick to danglies, something I like better anyway because the weight of them makes the lobes look less uneven. For now, I’ve got small silver studs in to help keep the bad one open. As usual, the earring went in quickly and painlessly in the good ear, but it took me several minutes of fighting with the bad ear to get the damn thing in as it’s been several weeks since I wore earrings. I’ve got to be sure to leave them in longer this time as ridiculous as I think they look with the way the bad side has sort of curled upward with time, making that earring seem higher and tilted compared to the other. If the danglies are big enough, though, like the ones I saw and liked, it looks more natural.

At the Goodwill store, Tom got a digital camera, only the lady was kindly dumb enough to charge him just $2 for the case, not realizing there was a $12 camera inside it. He got it not because we need a digital camera (we already have one) but because he wanted the parts for another electronics project he’s working on.

For just a few bucks I found the perfect shower hooks with a flower design on them, so I took advantage of that and snatched a setup. Now, instead of those pain-to-use plastic snap-rings that break so easily, we have metal, easy-to-use hooks.

So other than a 99-cent body spray, a pack of Rain Garden incense, and a Bergamot Tea diffuser for the closet, that’s all we got. Fun, reasonable and much deserved, but I still feel a tinge of guilt anyway.

The laptop is all screwed up and super slow so Tom’s going to strip it sometime. All I use it for anyway is backing up stuff and playing music (it’s hooked to the stereo).

I gave people the email address I’m going to start using but must keep my old one active for a few more weeks till my other Facebook account is deleted. That way I can switch my main Facebook account over to the email address the other one is using. Deactivating doesn’t do me any good because signing in with the addy I want to use simply wakes that account up. So I submitted a deletion request.

Later…

The Jes pest just left in his insanely loud truck just a few minutes ago. I couldn’t tell if he had the dogs with him but I haven’t heard a single bark since he left. So he’s either got them with him or someone’s at the house. Sometimes I wonder if he got a roommate and if that could be part of the uptick in loud vehicles. If he’s hard up for bucks as we suspect he is it may make the idea of a roommate rather desirable to him.

As we were coming back yesterday, I looked at Tom and said, “Watch, now that we’re back we’ll have to hear Jesse. I’m sure it was dead quiet while we were out and that he was just waiting for us to get back.”

Sure enough, barely 15 minutes later he was gunning the Harley on and off.

Yesterday, it got up to 83° in the living room with the windows open. 79° in the bedroom with the window open and fan on. The heat should be off for the day now and in a couple of hours, the windows should once again be open. It’s nice to get some fresh air in here.

So now that I’ve decided to dump my Yahoo account now the spamarama trip stops. There’s still enough of it hitting the spam box, but I had been on a roll where a dozen or more messages a day weren’t being filtered out.

I asked Tom why it’s so important to close certain accounts and to stop public blogging if I’m out of the jurisdiction and he said it’s to untangle the past from the future. At first I didn’t get what he was saying till I realized that right now it’s very possible they could be looking for anything they can get me with. And if they can get me with something in the future that’s connected to the past, such as Google, the stem of all this bullshit, things could turn federal if they create enough “evidence.” It goes without saying that if they can fabricate a so-called case against me, they could fabricate – oh shit! Just when I thought I could enjoy some more peace until Jesse’s return, up they start with the damn saws. Those FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING SAWS! A few times a month was fine. But lately, it’s been a few times a week or more and by God is it getting old!

Back to the freeloaders, pigs and all things related. If they can bullshit up a case, they can bullshit up more evidence to compound things and make it into a bigger deal than they already made it out to be; big enough to possibly come after me with. That’s what happened the last time. But this time I do still have a few things in my favor I didn’t have 12 years ago besides more knowledge pertaining to Arizona’s barbaric laws and sentences. That’s the fact that they have no phone calls, no physical evidence, and they can’t summon AT&T for info because the net’s not in our name here. The best they could do is follow me online from here on out which they may or may not be doing.

Can I please stop shitting now? Really, what the hell’s wrong with me that I’ve had to shit 3 times when I’ve only been up for 7 hours. Barely.

It may sound funny but I feel more “exposed” here. Not in these woods, in this trailer. If anyone came snooping around it’d be hard to hide in here even with the blinds drawn and no sounds coming from inside. The slats on the blinds don’t close tightly enough and there are little peepholes along the edges and through the cutouts for the drawcords. The bathroom has a translucent window, but if I ran in there with the door open, they could see me through the blinds in the door across from the bathroom door. If I shut the door, they’d see that and think someone was probably here and in the bathroom. I guess I could run and hide in the closet if I saw any pigs lurking about, but IDK. sighs I don’t want to hide in the bedroom or have any of my movements and day-to-day living revolve around what the pigs may do. That only makes me feel more controlled and like they’ve won. They won before and I’m determined to do all I can never to let them win again. To never control our money, where we live, what we do, what I eat, what I wear, or when I can shower (in cold water). But that’s just the thing. I do have to be somewhat cautious so that they don’t win again. We can’t control whatever it is they did to make it appear as though they have a legitimate case against me, assuming it isn’t the scam it likely is. All we can do is control the future.

Keeping sounds from being heard outside these flimsy walls is hard, too. The floors can be heard creaking outside the place even from a light person walking slowly and gently. The washing machine can be heard easily and dishes clanking when I wash dishes. Tom’s snoring, toilet-flushing, faucets running, sound machines… one can hear it all if they’re right outside the place.

It’s just after 11:00 and Jesse just got back. Let me guess…it’s gonna roar out on the Harley next, right? Or will it bulldoze or ATV around the land instead?

Anyway, I’m trying not to worry about the freeloaders, pigs and layoffs, but it’s hard at times. The job’s not that big of a concern. But the pigs? I guess that will depend on how obsessed they are with me. Unfortunately, the pigs that usually work these so-called cases aren’t just bullies with badges but freeloading minorities who quite often dislike whites. So I’ve got a hater determined to legally “get” me on behalf of another hater. I just hope I’m not a very high priority on their hate list.

Even Tom’s going to eventually shut his own Gmail account down even though it hasn’t been implicated in anything, just so there are no more Google connections. Whether or not I’ll ever return to public blogging, where, and under what name is still unknown and undecided at this time. I miss it and I miss seeing who comes around, but I’m totally loving the break it’s given me from the trolls.

At first I didn’t want to do anything that could make me look guilty and like I have something to hide, but as Tom says, it doesn’t matter. He’s right and I don’t care how shutting down accounts makes me look. It isn’t appearances that matter, it’s the pigs’ actions, and I will do whatever it takes to protect myself from the badged bastards.

Ok, here comes the spamfest. Yes, I do feel better once again about deleting my Yahoo account.

I don’t get Andy sometimes. I know I should let others believe what they believe as we can’t help what we believe anyway. But sometimes he seems to make excuses for God’s unfairness towards him. IDK, it sorta reminds me of a woman making excuses for an abusive man. I just wish he would see God for His true colors. He said maybe God’s keeping him alone to protect him from diseases. But wouldn’t it just be simple enough to send him someone clean? To that, he said God works in mysterious ways. More like cruel and unfair ways if you ask me. Why is it so important to God that Andy be lonely all his life? Why is it important to Him that we spend most of our time struggling? Why it is important to Him that Alison has all kinds of health problems?

On the flip side, he pointed out that he is very blessed in other areas and considers himself 90% happy. That’s how I feel right now, too. The only thing spoiling these better days is knowing that the shit’s gonna hit the fan sooner or later and we’ll be right back to struggle our asses off and give God (or whatever may be up there) a good laugh while He watches us scramble to save our asses.

Later…

LOL, Christiane commented on a post of Nane’s bitching about the weather (-13º). I noticed she changed her posting visibility from public to friends of friends when she dumped me. Now they’re back to public. Wonder if Christiane took the time to tell Nane about the bullshit chat of ours I posted for select eyes only, particularly hers and Irene’s. It would be especially funny if she or Irene copied it for her:) Hmm… what shall we “chat” about next? LMAO!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 2012 Soon it’s off to work on my book and to let “Bunny Nose” and her devilish side come out to play as every good book deserves at least one good sociopath:)

Irene said there was an earthquake in Salzburg as well as northern Italy and that she felt her desk shaking at work. I didn’t even know they could get earthquakes there. I guess Nane didn’t feel it up in Munich? Either way, I got to learn a new word while I was at it – Erdbeben. That’s German for the word earthquake.

Irene seems to want to hook me up with one of her friends. In her twisted English, I got the sense that maybe the friend was from here. She mentioned Westwood. I told her to tell her she’s welcome to send me a friend invite and I’ll add her if she wants.

Got lots to do this weekend so I may not get much writing done on either journals or stories. Then again, I always have lots to do. It’s just that weekends are more for laundry and errands while weekdays are more for writing, housecleaning and working out. Today, though, I’m going to clean the bathroom while he does the grocery shopping. Then we’re going to do even more PC configuring and try to “build” one of the Mac word processors to suit my needs and tastes by altering their basic code, something anyone can do.

Tom said a tree went down by Jesse’s place yesterday. That may explain some of the coming and going I heard like half a dozen times yesterday.

Later…

It’s only the afternoon here but already I am exhausted from all the changes we’ve been making on my computer both on and offline. We killed my Gmail accounts since I don’t use them anymore. I’m also going to be deleting my account with Yahoo but will be sure to PM my top buddies with the new addy. It’s actually not a “new” addy, just one I haven’t used to enter sweepstakes with thus encouraging a ton of spammers and scammers.

Still wish it would rain away the chainsaws, motorcycles and dogs, but at least we save on propane this way. It’s so nice in the afternoons that it’s been getting up to around 80º in here in the afternoons. The nights and mornings are still cold, though. Right now I’ve got shorts and a sports bra on. You’d never know I was bundled up in my robe less than 6 hours ago.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2012 Maliheh never picked up either postcard that I know of so now I don’t know what to think. My gut feeling is that she’s ignoring both cards. Maybe she somehow knows I’ll know it if she picks them up. Then again she could be out on the streets or back in Hawaii with a dying mother. Who the hell knows and frankly I don’t know if I care anymore. Keeping in touch once every week or two wasn’t much to ask for, was it? As of the first, I’m not sending any more journals she may not be getting until I hear from her. Enough of this one-sided friendship and feeling like I’m talking to a wall!

Jesse was quiet till 10:30 yesterday when I heard him come in in the truck. Because I hadn’t heard any barking all morning I figured he took the dogs with him or someone was at the house. But the instant he got in he came right back out to play. Yes, he just had to jump on the bulldozer until it rained. If he had any brains he’d wait to go bullshitting in May or June, but no, this boy just has to play with his toys. The rain was an unexpected surprise, but now the 5-cast is once again predicting nothing but sunny days.

The rat has been clingier lately for some reason. It’s cute but annoying at times the way he follows me around the place. He sure wouldn’t let me work out earlier. No, instead he just had to chase and play with the resistance bands I was trying to work with, LOL. Anyway, the attention junkie should sleep most of the day away now that he’s had his love, attention, treats, freedom and exercise.

And I’ll spend the day worrying. Especially after the dream, I had last night. Tom says there’s nothing to worry about and while I don’t have a sense of foreboding, it still worries one who’s prone to dream premonitions, and well, I worry if last night’s dream was a nasty sign of some kind.

In the dream, I worked in an office building (dreams and stories are the only places I can keep a schedule). I had a small office at the end of the hall and was in a much larger room next to it when I spotted these two detectives. I don’t know if I’d met them before or not but I somehow knew they were there for me. The one leading the way was a white, middle-aged guy who was kind of baldish and carrying a manila envelope. His partner might have been a younger non-white. Maybe skinnier and a touch taller, too.

The wall that ran along the hallway was mostly made of glass. I watched through the “window” as the guys spoke to a secretary who sat at her desk facing the room in this little nook-like area across the hall. She pointed toward my office and they headed to it just 20 or so yards down the hall.

The storage room or whatever it was I was in suddenly turned into a bedroom. A large bed stood against the center of the wall opposite the windows and I suddenly dropped to the floor and pressed myself against the side of the bed, unable to get much more than an arm and a leg underneath it. Then I realized someone would surely spot me and wonder what the hell I was doing lying on the floor. Jumping back up to my feet I ran out of the room and through the nearest door which was a bathroom. When the pigs saw I wasn’t in my office, I heard them come out and ask the secretary where I was. I didn’t think I’d been seen, but she said I was in the bathroom and I woke up as they said they’d wait for me.

Tom better be right about this whole jurisdiction thing! It’s just that I fear that since I know damn well and good that I never did anything wrong enough to give them a “case” other than say some things they wouldn’t agree with that they’ve gone and made a case against me. As in falsifying evidence in a way that could make jurisdiction not matter. I really think someone altered one of my emails to make it sound threatening. Damn me again for sending them!

But does the dream mean anything? Is it a sign saying they’re “closing in” on me? Are they planning on coming here or am I just going to get a threatening message of sorts saying something like either come forward now or else!

Well, the facts still stand. I have done nothing wrong other than express myself in a non-threatening way and I have nothing to say to the pigs. Just because some people don’t want to hear it and may be easily offended – hey, I didn’t force anyone to read anything. The fact that she couldn’t just hit the delete button or block me or mark me as spam is not my problem. It never will be my problem either. Sorry, bitch but whatever’s up there is going to be protecting me this time. It fed me to you once and this time it’s my back it’s got. How do I know this? I don’t for sure. It’s just a feeling. Maybe it doesn’t have my back at all any more than it did when it let her and several others shit on me. Maybe it’s me and my husband that has my back, and you know what? This time it’s going to be enough!

Anyway, I don’t want to spend my time writing about how I’m not going to fall for their shit this time around and how much I’ll sue or kill but definitely make them sorry they didn’t just ignore me. I want to go work on my story soon.

Damn! Not even the first month of the year is through yet and I’ve already written 50 pages!

Why has my hard drive been so noisy today? I don’t know enough about this Mac crap yet to be able to see what it’s doing but I hope it’s just scanning or updating and that I haven’t been hacked! I’m so paranoid about that after having 3 emails, 2 blogs, and 1 PC hacked.

Later…

It’s barely after 11am and already I’ve heard Jesse come and go 3 times. Does he have a roommate with a similar vehicle or what? I mean, if it’s just him, how many places could a guy possibly have to go so damn often? This, and constant company, would be my biggest concern being in an adult community. They just don’t stay put at any age. And they’re all company junkies!

Let me guess… now it’s time to play on the bulldozer, right? Why doesn’t he just zoom out on the Harley and leave me with the barking instead?

Again Andy had a porn pic removed from Formspring which he posted as my “punishment” for not making him laugh when I told him about them tipping Nane off about the LM prank. But it was funny. He said it wasn’t, though, cuz that’s what mutual friends do – talk. This was after just days of promising to “try harder” to post more pics I like. But as I knew all along, he’s got an obvious porn addiction going. That’s not the mystery. The mystery is why they just keep removing the pics and not sending him a verbal warning or kicking him off. They removed the pic pretty damn fast, too. Makes me wonder if Andy not only wants to get kicked off, but if someone’s allowing him to stay because of me. Maybe I’ve really gotten beyond paranoid with this theory. So far beyond it that I make Marie seem like she wasn’t paranoid at all. But really, what if? What if the pigs told them, “Look just deal with it for now. Just remove the dirty pics but don’t kick him off because we’re really interested in what one of his friends has to say.”

Again, I would hate to think they’d put their time and effort into what I have to say versus their local child molesters and wife-beaters, but so be it. That’s just our backward world for you. If I farted they’d be interested in me. But if I axed someone’s head off they couldn’t care less.

Ok, I’ve had it with this in-and-out shit. Time to get the wax plugin. Sad when you can’t even get any peace out in the country. Really sad.

Still trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to lose weight. Never. And that’s because I won’t starve myself or cut down enough that I feel like I am. But it’s true, no matter how much exercising I do, I will always be around 140 pounds or higher.

I do like how good working out makes me feel, though. I love having all this muscle! I’ve been “lifting” like crazy. Each exercise helps with more than just the target areas. Running doesn’t just work the legs but firms the hips as well. Ab crunching also helps the neck and chin area so they’re less droopy. With age, the neck tends to drape down just above the collarbone but mine’s not doing that.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2012 It’s back to being nice during the daytime and cold at night. Sooner or later I would think the rains will make their way back into the area and it will be cold night and day. I’m sick of the cold and it’s not even February yet! Damn, I hope we make it to Florida someday. I really do.

It’s too soon to say for sure but my nails do seem to be a bit clearer. The milky color has faded, and while my fingernails now look ok save for ridges, a few of my toenails still look discolored.

Tom’s back to having OT so hopefully, that means they won’t lay him off anytime soon.

I asked Teri and she advised me to do 3 sets of my muscle-building exercises and to do as many reps as I can until I can do no more. She said to rest for 3-5 minutes in between. Also, up the resistance if I have to do that many reps. So I’m now at 20 pounds and will work my way up to 30 which is as much as I’ve got here as far as resistance bands go.

If we ever make it out of here I think the only thing I’m gonna miss about this place is the cabinet support pole I’ve been using to do some of the exercises with. I could probably wrap bands around the treadmill’s rails, though, too. That’s what I have to do in order to work the inner thigh muscles. Anyway, all this “lifting” takes time and between that and the treadmill, I don’t care to spend nearly two hours a day working on myself, so I’m alternating between muscle and cardio workouts. I just hope it’s enough to get more weight off since the muscle pumping doesn’t get the heart pumping nearly as much as running does. Even walking briskly at 3MPH gets it going faster than when I’m lifting.

I messaged Jasmine from the old KB on FB yesterday but didn’t hear back from her even though she’s posted to her wall since then. I just thought I’d say hi but she didn’t like me very much in the end because of my views on blacks and the unfairness of reverse discrimination.

Maliheh not only still hasn’t messaged me but hasn’t picked up her Webshots card. Their notification thing is glitchy at times, though, so she still may’ve gotten it. As a test, I’m sending another Egreeting card. We’ll see if she picks up that today or if I at least get anything saying she did. I’ll have mixed emotions if I see she’s picked up this card. It would be a good thing because it would show she’s alive and well and is taking the time to read what I send. But it would convince me all the more that no matter what she says is going on in her life, she is ignoring me for some reason.

I sent Barbara a card yesterday and she didn’t pick it up, but she did pick up the one I sent before. Yeah, I’m definitely not going to hear from her again. No doubt about that one.

The troll’s worrying Alison with more and more talk about moving to Des Moines which is just a 3½-hour drive from the Omaha area. She fears something bad will happen if she makes the move, though I don’t see what could possibly happen. The troll can’t drive and if she’s got this supposed muscle condition which is part of why she can’t drive or run too well, then how could she hurt Aly? She’s crazy, but hopefully not crazy enough to get her BF, who’s got to be just as sick as she is, to drive her over to Alison’s and also a gun with which to shoot her. After all, I did say I sensed she’d be dangerous if she were in better shape and could get around easier.

Part of what seems to be motivating the troll is that right after she praised her family and said, “Who needs friends when you have such a wonderful family?” she’s not getting along with her parents and is fighting with her sisters as well. Her mother’s afraid to let her go for fear of her not taking her BC pills. Molly needs more than just BC pills, even though I can’t imagine her ever surviving for long in any long-term relationship, she needs her plumbing ripped out. She’s just the kind our twisted God would have knocked up, too. Just what the world needs – baby Mollys to add to the world’s craziness.

I’m trying to understand the world’s crazies just out of sheer curiosity. I mean what makes them tick? I know many things can contribute to one becoming a sociopath, a serial killer, and just plain crazy. But what’s the scoop in Molly’s case? Was it abuse that made her the way she is? Genetics? Something else? And just what does “crazy” mean? Does she even know what she’s doing? Sometimes I think she does because she has admitted in her blog to making threats and doing other things she shouldn’t be doing, but most of the time she seems to have no concept of right and wrong. Can she really tell the difference but is unable to keep herself from doing the shit she does anyway? Is she too out of it most of the time to realize her mistakes? Or is she fully aware at all times but just doesn’t give a shit?

Anyway, I think Mommy Dearest is worried about more than just BC. I think she not only knows the relationship won’t last, but she worries about just what kind of trouble her demented daughter may cause being so far away where she has no control over at least some of it. I think she fears she won’t take her psych pills and will eventually get in trouble with the law. I still can’t believe she hasn’t as of yet. Really, what’s taking so long?

Still editing and sprucing up my timeline and I’m sure I’ll make changes and additions for some time to come as I remember past events and stuff like that. What sucks is knowing they’ll just revamp the damn profile layouts again soon enough.

I wonder if Facebook is glitchy because it not only continued to say I have 37 notes after I posted one, but they’re saying I joined in October of 2007. But I swear I joined a year or two before that up in Oregon. I swear I remember changing my state of residence from Oregon to Cali.

They also say I have zero activity for 2008. It’s hard to believe I didn’t post or do something.

Since the new timeline makes it so much easier to see so much at once, I easily scrolled back to some posts Nane left over a year ago and couldn’t resist “liking” one. LOL, that’s gonna throw the bitch off, alright, when she gets notified of it:) I don’t know that they’re timelining Germany so she’s going to have a real WTF? moment trying to figure out how I could “like” something she posted when we’re no longer friends and she hasn’t even posted on my wall for a million years anyway.

Later…

OMG, I am laughing so, so fucking hard to myself right now I almost spit coffee out all over me! It’s a good thing Tom isn’t home now. I wouldn’t want to worry my lovable but sometimes paranoid husband into thinking I’m getting into trouble. Oh, it’s nothing illegal, but it’s so damn funny. I’ve got to make sure I only share this with Andy. We’re the only ones who have this much in common. We’re two pranksters at heart. I may have no desire to make prank calls, but oh the fun I have online at times! Only Andy would probably find what I’m about to say funny whereas Maliheh, Aly and everyone else would either be like, “Shame on you!” Or they just wouldn’t get it.

I’m friends with two of Nane’s friends right now, Christiane and Irene. Well, except for emails to Andy and Maliheh, Facebook is the only place I’ve been journaling lately. In fact, it’s pretty much the only site I hang out on these days except for when I play around with Andy on his Formspring page.

Anyway, I went to Live Mocha, the site Nane and I “met” on. Neither of us has been into LM for quite a while now. Nane’s third language is Turkish. She’s not fluent in it but has studied quite a bit of it. Especially since she vacations in Turkey 3-4 times a year and hopes to one day live there. LM is a social site as well as a language learning site where native speakers of whatever language you’re learning can leave you tips and correct any errors you make. So I went to an old spoken Turkish exercise of hers and after using Google to translate from English to Turkish, I left a “review” about just what I think about her dumping me and all that. No swears or threats or anything illegal, but nothing she’d be too thrilled about.

Only problem was she hadn’t logged in since August 23rd. Then I got curious as to whether or not Christiane or Irene might be reading my notes and decided to do a little test. I casually mentioned Nane and said that I still missed her at times even though I knew we were better off not speaking to each other, though she’s “probably going to want to strangle me for the Livemocha prank if she ever discovers it.” I was not only curious as to whether or not they may be reading my notes, but I kinda hoped they were and that they’d go tip Nane off so Nane could go see my little Turk prank. Hey, they gave me 20 free tokens to do it, LOL, not that I’m very active there any more than she’s been. I’ve taken all the courses I care to take until and if they ever add Hawaiian.

I posted this note a few days ago for them only even though they didn’t know it was for them only. But yeah, that’s the beauty of posting on FB; you can hide select friends from seeing certain posts or make them available to certain friends. However way you wanna go. Well, they didn’t say anything about it, but I just discovered that Nane deactivated her account, hahaha! The timing is quite a coincidence if you ask me, LMAO!

The thought of posting notes just for Christiane and Irene about Nane and I making up and even talking about visiting, knowing they’ll run and tell her about it, really amuses the hell out of me. :))))) OMG, I can’t stop laughing!

She also removed the ‘friends of friends’ weather post the other day. Now just the public post is there.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2012 I had a dream a few nights ago that Facebook forced the new timeline profile on everyone and I shut down my account and left for good. Then Tom read an article this morning confirming that they were going to do just that – force it on everyone as of the first (unless you want to change over sooner).

I noticed a few people already switched to the timeline but at first it seemed complex and didn’t interest me. The layout seemed sloppy and too cluttered at first glance so I shied away from it. Besides, I’m a hater of change for the most part. When I get used to doing something a certain way and get comfortable with it, I like to stick to it and not bother to change what works well enough for me.

So when Tom told me they were making it mandatory anyhow, I said okay, let me go check it out, see how much I hate it, then deactivate my account. However, I’m surprised to say that I like it very much and it really is simple to set up and navigate once you get the hang of it. It makes it much more convenient to jump from year to year instead of having to scroll and scroll and scroll down to the earlier stuff.

So only half of that dream has come true since I’m going to stick around after all!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2012 Why did Kevin E. request to follow me on Twitter, especially since I almost never tweet anymore? I’d never heard of him before but he’s some kind of songwriter and musician according to my research. I’m used to authors following me, but a songwriter and musician? I haven’t been into the music scene for decades. I still sing at times, but I haven’t danced or touched a guitar other than the ones I won long enough to sell since my mid-20s.

He’s following nearly 1000 people, has 11 followers mostly in the entertainment business, but hasn’t tweeted. The account looks legit, though, as did the guy who sent me an add invite on FB since I saw that we have 4 mutual friends (VH sisters) and he’s in the northeast and is around my age.

Couldn’t help but think of Maliheh when I saw this site that sells stone guitar picks. Someone tried to tell me they were made of dinosaur bones. Yeah, right. And my nose is made of Adolf Hitler’s last dump before he killed himself. LOL, how the hell can you play with picks made of stone anyway?

I can’t believe Andy hasn’t been banned from Formspring. They keep removing the hardcore porn pics he posts but he just won’t stop posting them. It’s like he’s addicted to the stuff. Or to grossing some people out. Yesterday he said he’d stick to soft porn. Yeah, right. For how long, 3 days?

The troll is already back to badmouthing Alison. I suppose I’m next, and then Kim and Kathy, more of her imaginary friends that she doesn’t get why they won’t talk to her. We knew it wouldn’t take long, though. What mommy doesn’t seem to get is that temporary punishment and banning her from the net won’t cut it. She’ll not only just carry on her shit from the library whenever she can, but will be right back to her threats and harassment as soon as mommy gives her back her computer. Mrs. M just doesn’t get that she needs to be kept from going online FOREVER or at least with someone looking over her shoulder and watching her every single move without so much as blinking an eye.

Aly’s review of Renting Ginny was very helpful. She’s the absolute best editor I have. Mitch is great, too. The only problem there is the UK/US English differences. Over here we simply do not spell color with a ‘u’ in it.

Although I have the basic ideas mapped out for Bunny Nose and will be starting C3 today, I’m not so sure just how evil I want to make “Bunny Nose” just yet. That would certainly be a cause of concern for the kind elderly couple that takes her in if others witness her doing crazy and even violent things. Or should another character be the nutcase? Every story deserves to have at least one batshit crazy character:)

Time to work out because no, I will not use my period as an excuse to be lazy. Then I’ll hit the shower in which the hot water still runs out too soon which means it’s something about this screwy shower itself or the pipes and not the tank. A 35-gallon tank should definitely not run out of hot water in less than 15 minutes.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 2012 Welcome weekday pig worries…

Not!

Still not sure what to think where they’re concerned, but trying not to worry. It’s just not easy when you have a dream where someone knocks on the door and you say to your husband, “That’s 3 times this week.”

But was it the pigs? Or was it just the Jes pest?

Anyway, I won’t let them get me. I won’t. Not unless they kick their way in here and physically drag me outa here. They seem to have forgotten me, but that may be what they want me to think. Months can go by before the pigs come at you again whether you deserve them to or not and I definitely haven’t done anything to deserve their attention. That’s part of what makes this a little scary. Imagine if I had actually done something.

I saw that Molly made a few posts from her local library and her mother even emailed Alison to say that she would be getting back the computer she took away from her for badmouthing people online and making threats and to let her know if she says anything she shouldn’t be saying.

She’s not appearing on my tracker, but the library may have their cookies turned off.

sighs They say a mother’s love is unconditional. Well, usually it is unless you’re someone like Casey Anthony. But not everything and anyone deserves to be loved unconditionally if you ask me. Especially those that are hopeless. I really, truly believe Molly is beyond hope. I don’t think any amount of time, therapy or medication can change her. I think she was born crazy and she always will be. What’s the point of even letting these kinds of people live in society? Shouldn’t they be locked up with their own kind in a controlled environment forever so the outside world can be a little safer? I’m glad the mother is finally waking up where her daughter is concerned and has quit making lame excuses for her despite an understandable desire to want to defend her own flesh and blood. But daughter or not, the kid (and I will call her that because she acts like a kid even though she’s 28) is fucked up. Hopefully, her eyes will open even further and she’ll see that there’s no changing anything and will not so much as give up on her but will get her into some kind of institution. Does the woman really want to spend the rest of her life babysitting the nutjob anyway?

Maliheh never picked up the Webshots postcard I sent her unless they failed to notify me that it was delivered. I’m sure she’s having a rough life now just like she says she is, but I still think she’s playing with me much like Nane was. You gotta go by what people do and not what they say. Actions really do speak louder than words.

I was “reminiscing” about Nane in one of my Facebook notes. Wonder if Irene or Christiane mentioned it to her? LOL

Rain, rain, don’t go away. Rain, rain, keep Jesse away:) It’s not gonna stop him from running and gunning his truck, but it will keep him off of at least 4 of his 50 other vehicles:)))

Later…

I’m reading a book called Trapped by Jack Kilborn. It’s a good story so far, though I’m only 22% through it, but am a little disturbed by the author’s description of those with ADHD. Well, I have ADHD and yes, we have memory retention issues at times and a short attention span, but to say we feel no empathy or remorse and that we blame everyone else for what happens to us is pure BS. I won’t take the blame for someone else’s mistake, but I know damn well when I’ve made a mistake myself and I don’t mind saying so. I’m only human. Humans fuck up. As for empathy or remorse, of course I’m not going to feel bad for you if you should fall and skin your knees after you did me wrong. And like most people out there, the more you’ve wronged me, the less I care what happens to you. But I would most definitely feel bad if I wronged or offended those I care about. No doubt about that. And I empathize greatly when my loved ones and good friends are suffering. I think that the inability to feel empathy and remorse is a personality thing; not an ADHD thing.

It also disturbs me to hear some people refer to gays and lesbians as a “lifestyle.” If there’s any “style” in gayhood then there’s just as much in straighthood. To hear it referred to as an “alternative lifestyle” really pisses me off. Where’s the “alternative” to being yourself?

While I try to have a “to each their own” attitude and let people have their own beliefs, it’s hard to believe those who say things happen for a reason. I once thought this myself and sometimes I still do, but in most cases, I’m not so sure anymore. Good people suffer for seemingly no reason whatsoever. There is simply NO justifiable, sensible or rational “reason” why some kids are beaten to death by their own parents.

Nothing in the way of oink, oink and no warrants either. While it makes sense for them to give up on me as long as I don’t go to their jurisdiction, it also doesn’t make sense that they would give up on me with a history with this black bitch. Pigs, lawyers and judges break laws all the time. If they’re frustrated enough by the jurisdiction thing and they really want to get at me, they’ll find a way. They’ll be sorry. But they’ll find a way. My logical side knows it’s just a scam but my PTSD side knows otherwise. No one’s after me despite all she did to me in the past.

I miss blogging. I don’t miss the troll but I miss blogging and seeing who comes around and what they have to say. I feel like that’s something the pigs, blacks and Molly have taken from me, but I’d rather miss it for a while than deal with any shit that may arise from it until and if I see just how obsessed Arizona may or may not become with me. It’s not uncommon to think you’ve heard the last from the pigs about whatever, then boom! There they are come to haunt you again. Two times I was bullshitted by the police about things being “over.” I’d rather not have to but oh how I will be haunting right back if they tangle with me again!

I thought I might’ve had some dream last night that had to do with Tom getting a raise, but the dream wasn’t clear enough for me to say for sure. That would be nice, but he’s one of their highest-paid employees as it is and that makes it less likely that they’d give him a raise so we’ll see.

I also dreamed we were living in a tiny, dumpy old two-bedroom house in the city. It’s nice that it was a real house, though I don’t like that it was in the city or the “fog” that the closets contained, but yeah, that was one of its quirks, LOL. Foggy closets that needed their doors kept open in the wintertime to keep the mildew and musty odors away.

Still wonder if we’ll make it out of here this year or not. Maybe they won’t lay him off but maybe we won’t be able to get into an adult community either. And maybe all we’ll be able to find in the country that we can afford are dumps similar to this one unless we want a bigger dump in a seedy section of the city or to live on another shared property, and we don’t. This selfish bitch wants everything to herself:) It isn’t that we couldn’t afford to pay over a grand in rent; it’s that we don’t want the place sucking every last dime out of us like the motels and the Maricopa house did. In the past, it used to be important to me to have extra money for fun stuff. Nowadays it’s important to me in case we fall upon hard times, something we got especially good at.

Something good was going on in the dream I had despite the shabbiness of the house itself, only Tom was being secretive about it. Like he wanted to find out more about it, and then surprise me with whatever it was.

We’re done with the rain we had for the next week or so, which means warmer temps and a noisier landlord who will now have more options with which to annoy me. Instead of just his truck, he can now choose between the Harley, the dirt bike, the bulldozer or the ATV. I really gotta wonder just how many feet we need to place between us and our nearest neighbor in order to not have to hear from them every day. At just a few feet I pretty much expected it, but if they’re still annoying me from over 100 feet, I wonder if 10 miles would even make a difference so long as they’re our neighbors. beats head

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 2012 I’m so fucking pissed right now I could scream! I emailed Tom a copy of this really cute rodent picture Andy had on Formspring, but he said it wasn’t visible. So I went through my ‘sent’ folder and found that many pictures I’d enclosed in messages weren’t visible either. Strangely enough, most of the invisibles were sent to Maliheh. I asked Maliheh to let me know if she’s been noticing this too and how often but I don’t expect an answer. The poor girl’s got so much shit going on I rarely hear from her these days. We don’t need to go back to daily chats, but I keep hoping that things will slow down and get better on her end so we can chat at least once a week. But I may not get an answer and so I may not know what she’s seeing on her end of things. I just know that I checked those messages after I sent them and the pictures were perfectly visible then. Today they’re not.

Also, I made up a bunch of “stationery.” These are pictures I’d lay down in the bodies of the emails and save as drafts, but many of those are gone, too. Ugh, I’m just so pissed! I worked long and hard on all that stationery. Maybe I need to stop doing so much for others.

Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere is fucking with me. I really do. So we installed a PW on my entire PC. No one can do anything on it anymore without entering that PW first.

Got lots of rain and I even heard the frogs for the first time this year.

Despite the fact that I’ve moved every few months to a few years since I was 20, I just don’t see us moving anytime soon, but I think I already mentioned that. If this is where we’re meant to be for many more years to come, fine. I’m used to living in tiny old dumps and there could be worse places to be stuck in. I just wish I knew for sure because I don’t want to think, try or aim for something that isn’t meant to be. Instead, I would want to start thinking about sprucing this place up and customizing it to suit our needs. I hate to spend money on someone else’s place and I hate living with Jesse, but if that’s what’s meant to be then it must be for a reason, right?

After saying he’d tone it down, Andy’s already back to posting porn on his Formspring wall after just a few days of decent, classy, sexy and cute pics. This is some really raunchy shit he posts too, that I can’t believe he hasn’t been kicked off the site altogether. But when you know that risk is there and that it grosses some people out but still can’t seem to stop, that should tell you something about yourself. This is classic pervie behavior. It’s so sad to see him this way but it’s true. He just can’t seem to stop with the lewd and disgusting talk and pictures, especially pictures. Classic, classic pervert behavior. He’s made it no secret that he’s attracted to youth. Most straight guys are too, and look how many of them are perverts, rapists and child molesters? Maybe he wasn’t so innocent after all in the case that landed him in jail and on probation. The guy involved was only 22. Better than 18 which is better than 14. But still, he was almost forced to register as a sex offender and he acts like one, too. Only difference is this one’s deprived and not getting nearly as much sex as he wants because he’s after guys and not girls. Most people are still straight and sometimes girls are easier to lure because of it.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2012 Die Hündin has her wall public and posted the same link to a German weather site about Hurricane Katrina to both the public as well as to friends of friends. What did she do that for? If your wall is public then why submit the same thing for friends of friends? I’m a friend of some of her friends yet nothing appears in the news feed. Maybe it’s not supposed to? Oh well. Who could ever figure out a woman like Marion Nane L?

I still miss Nane at times. Although I’m over most of the hurt and anger at being dumped when I could’ve used a friend the most (not that I didn’t have others who cared), and although I shouldn’t, I’m sure I’d be dumb enough to welcome her back into my life with open arms if she’d only reach out to me. LOL, even if she’d just end up dumping me the next time the shit hit the fan in my life, but that’s just how some people are. They’re there when you’re up and they run when you’re down. But I mean no disrespect to any of Nane’s friends that may read this and I still wish Nane the very best in life. I hope she hasn’t been dumped by Jim. It’s just that Karma has a way of biting us in the ass when we least expect it.

I’ve developed this gross nail fungus in my nails. It’s mostly in my toes, but I have a combination of thin nails, thick nails, discoloration, lifting, bending, etc. They all have sort of a milky white tint to them and hopefully, the stuff I bought will clear up the cloudiness and other uglies in a few weeks. Tom thinks it’s because of the long-term use of too much nail polish. If that’s so since I doubt it’s a sign of a deadly disease since I’m being sent to Florida so often in my dreams, I wish I could lose interest altogether in nail polish. Maybe if I come back a man or a butch in the next life I won’t have a damn bit of interest in the stuff. But in this life, muscular or not, I’m all fem – heels, flashy jewelry, dresses, perfume, nail polish and makeup. Not as much makeup, though, as when I was younger. I don’t think makeup looks as good on older people, and especially not the elderly. It makes them look clownish in a ghoulish sort of way.

Tom tells me I’m not fat, yes he will be a permanent employee someday, and yes, we will be insured (for less than $40 a week) before we’re old. Not sure I believe him on the first two. I still need a dentist, I still need a doctor who specializes in congenital atresia, and I might have to see a doctor for a prescription if I can’t clear this nail thing up on my own.

Except for just a couple of days over the last two weeks, my ear has been much better. I don’t expect it to last, though. The rain seems to be stirring it up as it is. We got some rain yesterday but today we’re really getting slammed. It’s really sheeting down hard against the windows so much so that if they were open we’d be soaked in here. I had hoped that Jesse would stay in tonight so I could enjoy the sounds of the rain and the wind chimes instead of barking and I got my way with that one at least for tonight. I threw on the dehumidifier for a while since I’ve now got wet clothes hanging on the inside lines.

It kind of sucks that I’m on nights now and not up to enjoy and take advantage of this rain making things quieter around here. Jesse still may run and gun that damn truck, but no one would be sawing or running around on ATVs, motorcycles or dirt bikes.

After spending the last 8 hours, cooking, cleaning and doing other odds and ends around the place, I’m going to waste time watching movies, reading, and neglecting my book. Well, after I do the grocery list I will.

I can waste time thinking and wondering, too. How about like why our moving to a retirement community this summer seems too “easy” and “too good to be true?” Oh, wait. Make that an adult community. Tom says a retirement community isn’t an appropriate thing to call them because that’s usually for those in need of assisted living.

But an 18-year-old is an “adult.”

Either way, moving to a – how about 55+ neighborhood? – seems sort of unrealish to me, like it ain’t gonna happen. I may be too young. Only one of you has to be 55 or up, but they like to keep their overall percentage of people at 55 and up, so we still may not be able to get in even if we can save up enough money, he’s still working, and they don’t mind taking us even though he’s just a temp. Maybe we could get around letting them know he’s just a temp, but hopefully they’ll understand that so are most people in Califuckedup. It would be just our shit luck that my age would be an issue since we’re not very good at getting what we want and our plans rarely go through. sighs Why do I have to be in my 40s? I want to be in my 50s right now! We could remain in the country, but it’s not only very hard to find a place on a piece of land that doesn’t have landlords or other tenants on it, but they’re usually over a grand a month in rent.

No Florida dreamin’ last night. Instead, I flew over a giant water slide and got it on with someone but I don’t know who. I don’t even know if it was a man or a woman, LOL.

It’s been almost two weeks since I heard from the pigs, real or not. Is it because they’re giving up on me or because they have something more sinister planned for me? Tom thinks that if I keep out of view they’ll let it die away. They better! There are no words in any language to describe what a big mistake it would be on their part if they messed with me. Some people really aren’t worth bothering with and I’m one of them. I just hope I won’t have to show them that. I have continued to pray them off every single day and by some miracle, something’s actually been listening to me so far.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 2012 We finally got some rain around here, though it hasn’t been much yet and it didn’t start till Jesse’s usually indoors anyway. I did hear him running around on the ATV for a few minutes, though, as the sun was setting. Oh well. I slept most of the day anyway.

I stood out on the porch at around 4pm waiting for Tom to come down the drive and breathing in that fresh mountain air. It was raining lightly at the time and the ground was barely saturated. It’s too cold here and it’s not as pretty as Florida but it’s still so peaceful and so beautiful when there’s no barking or loud vehicles running. Country living beats city life any day!

No scary meetings at work for Tom and no nightmares for me, so that’s good.

Been showered with all kinds of comments, hugs, kisses, and pictures from Irene, LOL. I guess she realizes that yes, Nane, whom she herself warned me about, and I are really done. Totally history. I don’t mind attention from her as opposed to some of the others on Facebook like Lori. Lori’s nice but the poor girl is so damn ugly. Not sure how with it she is either, but I don’t think she’s too far out in left field. Just ugly enough to shower me with even more attention. :(

Irene doesn’t get carried away and make me feel smothered or overwhelmed in any kind of way and she’s not bad looking. She’s one of those that’s ugly but she isn’t if that makes any sense. She probably attracts more women than men. She’s overweight and has short hair, but she has a pleasant face and a great personality. She seems to be very friendly and open-minded. I had to laugh that time she said she wondered if I were in love with Nane. No, not in love, but I definitely had feelings for her. I don’t know if Irene is bi like Nane, but that’s the impression I get based on some things she’s said.

The drama queen hasn’t been around much. Have I been making her nose bleed too hard or something? Molly had all kinds of aches, pains, nosebleeds, and illnesses when she was fucking with me and my friends and really pissing me the hell off, LOL. The drama queen hasn’t done anything lately, but that anger over the past still lingers. I think it always will to a degree.

Been thinking of shutting down my Yahoo account. Tom and I have been thinking of shutting down a few of our email accounts and we’ll decide what to get rid of this weekend. I use my mail.com addy occasionally and it’s not overwhelmed with spam yet, so I’ll probably keep that even though it’s a bitch to get into. But I never use my Gmail account anymore and the Yahoo account gets spammed to hell and back every day. I just can’t get it all to hit my spam box. Like I said, I really think someone used it to sign me up for all kinds of shit. The scammers are harder to get rid of than the spammers because they keep coming at me from different email addies that just won’t get filtered out. I’ve had the Ratgirl account for 12 years, though, so I’ll have to think about it. When I go back to sweeping in about a year or so I would want to use a whole new addy for it anyway. Rather than try to struggle to remember which sites I’m already registered at and update all my Robo passcards, it’s easier to just start anew with a fresh address even if it means re-registering for everything.

All but my mail.com addy has been hacked. My Gmail, Yahoo and a Hotmail account I once had 5 years ago were all hacked. The thing is that when I reported being unable to log into my Hotmail account they never even had the decency to respond let alone help me in any way. I never heard from MSN and never got that account back. Because of it, I don’t think I would want to bother with Hotmail, and Gmail’s not good either because Google has lousy security lately for some reason. I would probably create another Yahoo account if I was going to do anything at all.

Tom said to be sure I don’t go to the sites that have been signing me up for their newsletters and sign anyone up for them myself, pointing out that while he thinks it’s probably just spam, it could also be the pigs trying to bait me.

Yeah, I know that. Believe me, the pigs are the first to come to mind when anything suspicious happens, but I agree with him in that it’s most likely spam. The whole world has this email addy, thanks to my sweeping days and all the sites that sold my main email addy and the sites that were hacked like Sony and other big-name sites.

Later…

Made another book sale which is good, but still not able to get in the mood to work on my current book. When I’m not working around the house or working out, lately I’ve been watching movies, reading books, and writing in my journal. I’ve got to get off this lazy trend I’ve been on.

I keep telling myself I should also try to make at least $5 every weekday on MT to help ward off the next “poor” spell, but I can’t seem to do that either. Is it because he makes a lot of money and because I don’t like working so long for slave wages? Probably. But I also think I pretty much figure that fate is fate. If we’re meant to suffer again we will no matter what I do to try to prevent it or make it easier. But I am helping in other ways like by not overspending. I’m not very materialistic anyway these days and I haven’t been for a few years now. I get a few things here and there but nothing extravagant like I did for about a decade until around 2008.

Gotta wonder what it is with me at times, though, when half the time I gotta push myself to write stories even when I’ve got tons of ideas, yet I just can’t stop writing in my journal. Hope I’m not overwhelming my email recipients.

I have doubts that Tom will ever be a permanent employee anywhere and I have doubts about an adult community at times, too. Oh, I still hope to rent in one someday so I’ll know for sure what it’s like. But sometimes what I think will be the case ends up not being the case at all. We came to Cali thinking we would have better lives. We were wrong. Life is certainly getting better and in some ways, it’s finally better than it was in Oregon. We don’t have to pay utilities here other than propane. Tom doesn’t lose a buck an hour for insurance he’ll never use. The taxes aren’t nearly as high here. People get paid time and a half for every day they work overtime even if they haven’t worked 40 hours yet for that week. The climate is better. The area is quieter. But look how long it took for things to get this way and there’s no saying how much longer it will last.

Your average temp job is 3-5 months according to what I just read, and temps, which are used by 90% of the companies out there, are fast becoming the norm. The temp craze isn’t just about a shaky economy but also a great way to get out of having to pay benefits as well, just as I figured was the case. Few temps become permanent these days. Some people are temps at the same place for years.

Maybe Tom should think of skipping the temp companies and look for a permanent job on his own if he wants benefits we could afford and the vacation and holiday time he deserves. Especially if he’s still a temp past March. The only problem is - where do you find a permanent job in Cali??? And when are there going to be laws to protect temps or at least a means of giving them affordable insurance and at least some vacation time, especially if the healthcare thing falls through?

Having so many things not turn out to be as I expected or at least hoped they would be is what makes me have doubts and concerns about an adult community. I know without a doubt I would never want to return to the mainstream part of the city or any kind of attached living. Apartments and condos simply aren’t me. But what if adult communities aren’t as peaceful as I’m told they are? We also don’t want to be stuck in a tiny old trailer forever either, so as Tom said, we’ll just have to really do our homework if and when the time ever comes when the opportunity to do so is there. I really hope we get to live in a real house again someday with adequate space. I miss it so much!

I also have my doubts about ever again winning up a storm like I used to, psychic or not. I was 1 of 7K entrants to win the Caribbean cruise I won in 2006. Well, I didn’t enter for it but there’s this trip on Facebook where all you have to do to be entered is “like” them, a very common way to enter sweeps. But they have over 51K likes! :( That’s why I don’t think I can ever win like I once did. From 2005-2008 not nearly as many people entered sweeps or had FB accounts and not many sweeps were run through them. The whole world enters sweeps these days! sighs But all good things do come to an end.

Saw a movie that took place on a cruise ship and made me wish we were cruising again. Especially after learning that its toughest moments were nothing compared to semi-smooth days at the extended-stay motel. Swimming in what seemed like a wave pool due to the ship’s movements was so much fun. I also want to read and write on the private veranda we had where I’m safe from bees and spiders, LOL. I miss the ocean mist blowing on my face like when it was storming and we’d kind of hang over the railing. Hell, it was even fun waving goodbye to all the people too, when we disembarked from that Fort Lauderdale port, right where “the dream people” are hinting we might one day end up. As it is I don’t think we’re gonna make the Italy trip, something I have mixed emotions about. I still hate to travel. It’s a pain in the ass and when you have a sleep disorder, can’t take your sound machine with you, and wake up to every little sound, you tend to be dragging during the daytime. They also seem pretty hateful in Italy, too. On the flip side, the language is beautiful, I know enough of it to get by, and a change if only for a week might do us good. A week would be about all I could stand anyway. I don’t know how many other entrants I beat out on this trip; I only know I won it by accident. I wanted the runner-up’s $1200 necklace to sell on eBay.

When the treadmill breaks or we sell it like maybe for a lighter move to Florida, Ft. Lauderdale or not, I want an elliptical machine for sure. They were doing that on the cruise in the movie, too. I like how it doesn’t need electricity and there is no impact on the joints. Also, I didn’t realize this but I like the handles that you sort of pull back and forth while you’re using it sort of like you’re skiing. It would help work the arms even more. Or maybe after we get moved if it looks like we’re gonna stick around a while and we have the space and the treadmill stays alive, I’ll get it anyway. Both would be nice to have for variety, but it’s way in the future unless this thing does crap out anytime soon.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2012 Irish homeowners now have the right to shoot intruders, so I just saw someone posted on Facebook.

But that’s the way it should have always been in every house, condo and apartment all over the world. Better later than never as far as doing what’s fair and what’s right, but I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ll never allow any law to dictate how I can and can’t handle intruders. I’ll handle them my way no matter what any law says, and while I don’t have a gun, you can bet your ass I’m going to do all I can to kill them. Not scare them off, not hurt them, but kill them. Even so, I’d rather not have to do so in the first place.

Heard the usual slew of barks, chainsaws and loud vehicles, but nothing got to the point of making me want to strangle anyone even though I’m in the perfect PMS mood to do a little ass-kicking to anyone deserving of it.

Yesterday’s hunger pangs sucked. Why does my body need closer to 2000 calories and not the usual 1500 before periods??? I managed to stop myself at around 1600 yesterday but today I think I’ll just let it have the 2 million damn calories. I’ve already had 700 in the 4 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry. Maiale cazzo!

I’m pissed off for Andy now and the way some of these fucking cocks are playing with his head much like women used to do with me when I was last single and still sometimes do online. Really, what the fuck do some of these bitches expect when either in person or electronically they send me kisses, hugs, phone numbers that just might not be bogus, and then shower me with flirtatious words – for me not to think they like me? Some of them really didn’t but that was part of their sick, strange and totally unnecessary games. Unfortunately, this is quite common amongst both gays and straights. Not sure what the point is in making someone think you like them when you don’t or hiding the fact that you really do like them, but it’s still a common occurrence.

I had a dream I told some guy on the phone in German that I hoped Nane got into a car accident. I could never hate her that much to wish that upon her. I know she was attracted to me and had feelings for me. No doubt about that much. She spelled it out enough times for me. It was the up and down and going back and forth that got to me and had she not dumped me, sooner or later I’d have dumped her.

If someone who never claimed to like me one day fessed that they did or vice versa – fine. But don’t like me and dislike me and like me and dislike me and back and forth!

But Andy’s getting it worse than just some occasional online games because he is lonely, single and horny and doesn’t have a soul mate that loves him unconditionally when the online fun isn’t so fun anymore. I just wish, like he does, that they wouldn’t lead him on and play games. Like it was 20 years ago, sex is in, relationships are out. But must you say you’ll get together with someone you have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of getting together with? Really, what’s the point of that? It doesn’t make you money. It doesn’t guarantee you a longer life. So what’s the point???

At the same time, one can’t make be what simply isn’t to be. I hope that’s not the case for Andy, though, and that he just wasn’t meant to meet Mr. Right till later in life.

I’m also concerned about how perverted he’s become. Not that he’s literally any kind of pervert but all he seems to want to talk about is sex and it gets old. So do the disgustingly dirty pictures he loves to post. IMO these aren’t the least bit sexy or classy in any way. They’re perverted and gross. Why didn’t his appetite dwindle with age like most people’s?

I wonder if perhaps he’s coming on a bit too strong and that’s scaring people off. If people suspect you want a relationship and not just sex they tend to run. Same with if you come across as desperate and like you live, breathe and eat nothing but sex. Either way, that’s no excuse for their games. However, we can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can make them not like us but we can’t make them like us. We can do things we think will make them happy and we can tell them jokes we think will make them laugh, but we can’t make them love us or lust for us. Maliheh wasn’t attracted to me 20 years ago. She isn’t now. And she never will be in another 20 years either. Give a sane hottie like her a brain tumor or disfigure their faces, then they’d be all over me and making me wish to hell they’d just go away and leave me the hell alone. There’s bad luck and then there are clear and evident patterns. I hate to say it. So much so that I’ll be sure to cut this part out of his journal copy, but I think he’s meant to spend the rest of his life alone. I just don’t know why. When I know why I wasn’t meant to be with a woman (not that I regret Tom) and when I know why we’re meant to struggle most of our lives, then maybe I’ll know why he’s meant to be alone.

Another troll-free day so far. She deleted all her Blogger blogs and her Thoughts blog and made one post apologizing for the things she said. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

I went Florida dreaming again last night but it made no sense. I hope that just the fact that I dreamed of living there is what means something other than just wishful thinking because some of the details made no sense at all. For one, we were sitting on a tiny dock overlooking a man-made inlet. This dock was apparently ours and only ours but in reality, we could never afford to live on or by the ocean or any kind of an inlet like that where people have their own docks.

Also, Tom was saying that the last person he showed the house to (I assume in Cali) was this bitchy woman who complained about everything. I guess I wasn’t around when he showed the house. This is still another thing that doesn’t make sense. If we own a house it means we had enough money to buy it outright. Well, if we had that kind of money I doubt we’d buy a place in this state.

I just liked the fact that we were there:) I also like the record number of dreams I’ve been having about living there and that I hope isn’t just a reflection of wishful thinking. Do I think the dreams mean something? Yeah, I do. If I weren’t psychic and had never had experiences with things like dream premonitions, then I wouldn’t know what to think. But while I’d prefer the ones where I called my folks to tell them we made it safely across the country and nothing out of the ordinary happens, Florida dreamin’ is still Florida dreamin’ and – OMG, Ft. Lauderdale! I swear one of us mentioned Ft. Lauderdale!

Just looked on Google Maps. What a coincidence that it’s right above Miami. It’s closer to Miami than Naples where Aly said she might go, but there’s a road that shoots straight across the lower peninsula from Ft. Lauderdale to Naples.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up in a Miami hotel while we looked into a Ft. Lauderdale senior rental?! Actually, it doesn’t really matter where in the state we end up if we get there. I just might not like it up by the panhandle where the weather may not be as nice or too far inland even though it’d be safer there.

Anyway, the best part of the last Florida dream was the sense of contentment I felt sitting on that dock. I sat Indian-style next to Tom who sat in a chair. There was a beautiful breeze and I marveled over the fact that I could throw on a bikini and go tanning if I wanted to even though it was the dead of winter and Miss Pale As Hell was never very good at tanning.

In another split-second scene, I was standing in front of what I guess was where we lived. I can’t describe the house I “saw” but the walkway seemed to have many flowering bushes flanking it. I was relieved to know the sun was setting so the bees hovering about them would soon fuck off.

I would really like to know who’s been signing me up for every newsletter in the world. Just last night I got a message from some company saying, “Welcome to so and so,” as if I’d just signed up.

Still no shit from the haters, pigs or anything connected to them and I hope it stays that way. I realized, for whatever it’s worth, that regardless of what they did to set me up and make me look bad enough for a “case,” there are two things they had last time that they don’t have this time – no phone call, no physical evidence.

Later…

Ever had an idea that’s so good but also so bad at the same time? Well, there’s this scummy trailer park not far from here. We’ll never have 100K to buy a house with, but I bet it wouldn’t take nearly as much to buy an old shit trailer (maybe even smaller and dumpier than this one) and buy a lot in one of these dumpy parks. Maybe 10-20 grand? Where it would be so good and so bad is that it would be good in that it would be ours to do as we pleased when we wanted to without having to have our schedules revolve around some pesky landlord. It would also be good in that we wouldn’t have any payments to have to make if we owned it outright, other than for utilities.

Where it would be bad is that I’d be absolutely miserable in some “cheap” trailer park. The noise levels would be so insane to the point that it made the noisiest moments here seem rather comatose. I would never be able to get any peace while I was awake and I doubt I’d get much sleep there either. Oh, the welfare bums that would be crammed like sardines into the place! We would also still be cramped into a tiny place, one that may even be smaller and older than this one, and we’d have to pay to fix whatever broke.

Tom had quite a scare at work yesterday. They called a bunch of people in for a meeting, and although I haven’t had any nightmares of a particular kind – the kind that spells trouble ahead for us – he thought they were gonna be told that they lost their contract and that they would all be laid off. Instead, it was just about changing bosses. I guess they shuffled them around from certain areas or something like that. Tom now works in two different departments. We just gotta hope they don’t slow down before the next 4-5 weeks or so! Not being able to move would be one thing, but not being able to get unemployment if they do lay him off is another.

Obviously, he’s never going to get a permanent job as long as we remain in this state. It’s all temps here. If you can come to Cali and get a permanent job, something up there really loves you! But as I told Andy, if those Florida dreams mean anything, then we’re moving there anywhere from soon to 11 years when he retires. However, I can’t believe I’d start having these dreams 11 years in advance. I would think we’d be 5 years or less away from moving there if we really do end up doing that.

Yesterday I didn’t sleep any better than I would have had I been in that dumpy trailer park, a motel or some of the apartments I’ve lived in. I kept waking up every few minutes, it seemed, but I never sleep as well in the daytime anyway. On the positive side, the less I’m up during the day, the less I hear of Jesse.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2012 Today’s been pretty quiet. The car was still at the end of the drive, so we saw last weekend when we went out to eat, so I don’t know if it’s been sold yet.

I’m still sluggish with PMS fatigue and filled with enough water to shame the Sacramento River, but I’m doing what I gotta do. I just gotta really push myself to get things done.

I did some cleaning and a light workout but am continuing to laze out of working on my book. Part of that is due to staying up later and later when it’s peaceful enough to watch movies without arf, arf, arf! Like I said before, I can’t watch movies with sound machines, but I can write with them.

When I got up I was surprised to see the troll hadn’t been looking for me for over 14 hours. Then Alison messaged me to say she was surprised as well with a pleasant response to her message to the troll’s mother. Mrs. M said she was sorry and that she would no longer be bothering her or her friends and to let her know if she does.

That’s great that she’s finally acknowledged her daughter’s problem, and as Aly said, if she can help keep Molly away from us, great. But how long will it last? How long? She’ll be back. She’ll be back sooner or later and we both know it. All we can do is enjoy whatever time off she gives us.

Made up a bunch of cat drafts for Maliheh. She loves cats, so I send a picture of one with my messages and journals. I’ve got 180 drafts, though about 10 of them are for Andy. Where Maliheh’s into cats, Andy’s into porn, but I’m afraid to send any dirty pics. I tried sending one of these two naked guys running down the street, but he said he couldn’t see it. When I checked my ‘sent’ folder it appeared as just a tiny gray square making me think someone’s watching and taking it upon themselves to censor my fucking messages, so I’m not going to bother. He’ll just get a mix of random pics instead, but 100s of cats are waiting to help read my journal to Maliheh:)

Wow, it’s after 4pm and still no hubby. Could the guy be back to OT?

The food subsidy people told us what we figured they’d tell us since he made $3200 last month; to buzz off. I don’t think it will be that much this month cuz things are a little slower, but it should still exceed their qualifications.

Tom just got home. No OT. Just a car fire that slowed traffic down instead, but work should be picking up next week.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 2012 Between PMS, cold weather, hours of barking and living in what’s generally an unfair world that no one seems to even want to try to fix, I’ve got a lot of anger in me right now.

I was right in predicting Molly’s behavior which is rapidly spiraling out of control, and I don’t have to be psychic or have a psychology degree to know it’s only going to get worse till she actually does do something like kill her parents in her sleep like she’s written twice in her blog about wanting to do. It’s not her threatening her parents that pisses me off. I don’t give a shit about her parents. Her parents are nothing but enablers who won’t wake the hell up and smell the coffee where their crazy daughter is concerned. In fact, I wish she would hurt them because that’s probably what it will take to finally get this nut in a controlled environment so she can no longer stalk and harass people she’s obsessed with online.

It’s the fact that she’s been making more and more threats and getting away with it that pisses me the fuck off. I’m SICK of seeing so many people get away with threatening and harming others while those that do get in trouble have done little to nothing at all! That’s what pisses me off.

“She’s crazy,” Tom tried to reassure me, “and she is paying. Legally isn’t the only way to make someone pay for something. She’s miserable all the time and she has a miserable life.”

That may be so, but that’s not good enough for me. It’s just not good enough. I want to see her arrested and dragged through the mud and not left to continue getting away with the very same thing I was accused of and had to have my life turned upside down for. She’s sitting there threatening people at will and no one’s doing a damn thing about it! How fucked up is that?!

I couldn’t figure out why I was so sluggish all day till I realized my period is less than a week away. So my hunger levels are up and my energy levels are down.

Jesse was out all day so I got barking instead of loud motors to have to listen to, but there is some good news. Alison is cancer-free! Yes!

The temps have really taken a nosedive and we’re making up for lost time, you could say. It got into the low 20s last night! That’s super cold for this area. Tonight it’s to get down to 24º. wishes she’d moved to Florida The rain’s been bumped up a day from Wednesday to Thursday.

I’m just glad no one came to the door or emailed me in regards to the freeloaders. This helps ease some of my anger over life’s injustices in general. I’d rather be pissed at watching others get away with shit than see myself made to pay for nothing. I’ve been wonderfully relaxed, too. I can’t believe I was practically shitting bricks over the prospect of Molly’s mom coming after me but am oh so calm where the crazies, who have already screwed me over, are concerned. Maybe that’s because I resigned myself to the fact that hey, I am not going to have my life ruined simply because I may’ve hurt someone’s precious little feelings or offended someone who wasn’t forced to read my stuff, by simply expressing my opinion. When I think about the Mexican pig’s words – a case has been against you – I’m like yeah, yeah, play this game by yourselves this time. I did NOTHING wrong.

Never with me, never with them.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2012 “Look towards your right,” Tom said as we eased onto the freeway earlier today. “Remember that?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. I was surprised at the unexpected surge of bad memories that arose from seeing the old storage place, among a few other similar sites in the city. For a few seconds, I could see right where we’d park when getting or bringing things to store. I remembered how in my moment of desperate panic and despair when I thought we weren’t going to make it, I contemplated smashing our stuff, particularly the collectibles, because I didn’t want anyone to profit from our deaths. Even the old oak tree I fell asleep under for 45 minutes during that 36-hour stint of homelessness still had a sad, tired look about it.

I tore my eyes from the grim reminders before they swept out of view as we curved around and onto the freeway and looked through the windshield straight ahead of me. I reminded myself that we didn’t have to return to a Walmart parking lot or a seedy motel in Sacramento’s Northgate area and that we could retreat to our safe and mostly peaceful little retreat in the woods where our expenses are much lower than they were in the fall of 2007. A smile of relief and contentment crossed my face.

Why am I such a wimp, though, compared to Tom? He is so strong compared to his sometimes emotional basket case of a wife. I mean I know I’m tough in a lot of ways. Going through a lot of the rough patches in life I’ve gone through has made me stronger in many ways. But in many ways, it weakens the spirit. PTS is no fun at all. I still have nightmares about being stuck in places like motels, funny farms, jails and Valleyhead. I was stuck in VH last night, as a matter of fact. But I wasn’t a kid again like I usually am in these dreams. We were all the middle-aged adults we are today but we still had to be there for some reason. I’d rather the 20,000-dollar abortions.

Red Lobster was the circus we figured it’d be. Actually, it was worse since it was between lunch and dinner when we went and we thought it’d be a little better at that time. We ordered to go but still had to wait half an hour.

I got the stuffed mushrooms and he got peppercorn steak with potatoes and salad with ranch dressing. He doesn’t do salads, but his wife and rat do. So we all enjoyed our feast to the tune of the wind chimes going crazier than usual since there was a storm rolling in. I’m sure mine is the only rat that ate like a king today in the entire state of Califuckedup (yes, Andy, I know you’ll love that one).

Along with their signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits, the stuffed mushrooms were great and so were the mashed potatoes. Very buttery and creamy. The steak, however, was a bit tough, dry and definitely too peppery.

The troll is now wishing her mother would die too, along with Alison for calling her an ungrateful child. She sure does act like a child and she sure has a lot of hate and anger in her. More than I ever had at my angriest of times. She also admitted to stalking people, particularly Alison, and using others to try to pass messages to her. But the back-and-forth contradictions and hypocrisy live on. She wrote in one post that she was leaving thoughts.com because she feels like she is the most hated member there (gee, I wonder why) and that her parents don’t want her blogging anymore because of the shit she says. Yet barely an hour later she makes a post introducing herself as if she were brand new to the site.

Due to how cruel and horrifying her words have become, Alison contacted her mother on Facebook, though she admits it may not do her any good. I hate to say it but I think it will take something a lot more drastic than their darling daughter just threatening them before they wake up and smell the coffee where she’s concerned and stop defending and making excuses for her. Something’s going to actually have to happen like Molly actually harming someone. I wonder if it’s getting close to that point, too.

If I myself ever want to go back to blogging in peace I’ll probably have to do it under an alias and change the names of my friends and family as well. But I want to wait a while for those other reasons besides Molly. Yeah, tomorrow the pig stress is back on. I’m not scared, but I’m a bit worried. Tom assures me Arizona has no jurisdiction over me and that the worst that could happen would be the local cops questioning me, but let’s hope it doesn’t even come to that! Still, I’d rather be questioned than arrested, and worse… extradited, tried, convicted and jailed.

Later…

I deleted my thoughts.com blog even though it only had like 20 entries in it. I started to mark my profile private but then decided to leave it public because I’m curious to see when and if the troll will give up on checking on me. She’s still pretty consistent. Not every other minute like she used to check in on me when I was writing there, but every hour or so. Sadly, I think that as long as she can get online unsupervised, she’ll check all my abandoned/private/public sites every day for the rest of her life. That’s why going under an alias at an undisclosed location will probably be my best bet if I go public blogging again, along with changing the names of friends and family. I won’t even tell them about it. They can just keep on getting direct entries via email or Facebook. Public blogging, if I return to it, will be just for fun and not a means of keeping friends and family up to date like it used to be. From what I’ve heard, it’s okay to use a pen name as long as you don’t claim to be the president or anything like that.

I almost deleted my MD and MO blogs but couldn’t do it. Not something I can just “kill” easily anymore than the one on my hard drive and that’s a 24-year journal. Does one throw away 24 years of printed life that easily, even if some of it was no joyride? When October 27, 1987 rolled around, I picked up a pen and never looked back. Only difference is I traded pens for keyboards 5 years into it. Pink, purple, black, blue, red, green…I’ve discussed my days in so many different colors and in 5 different states. Well, more than 5 states and even more than just this country since I did do a little writing in Florida and at sea when we went cruising to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico. Would’ve done it in the Grand Turks too, had a storm not made the waters too dangerous to try to dock in.

Marie used to say that the best way to go out of this world would be with a beer in one hand and a woman in the other. With me, I’d take Tom in one hand and my journal in the other.

One of Sharyn’s sisters was down in Florida visiting her mom when she was swimming on her back in a pool and rammed her head against the side of it. The next day she felt woozy and was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that her brain was bleeding. She must’ve been swimming super fast and really rammed it hard!

We did more fine-tuning and setting up on my PC. It sucks too, cuz I feel like I’m learning computers all over again as I learn the new ways of doing things on the Mac. We swapped mice too, since mine was acting up. Mice and I don’t seem to get along. Glad I got a rat! Although he’s not usually stupid enough to do something he knows he’s not supposed to do when I’m watching, if I’m in the other room and he can get into it, he will. Tom and I were in one room working on my computer and I forgot that the rat had been out for a while in the other room. So I went to check on him and sure enough, the furry little pervert was pulling my panties out of the hamper.

Tomorrow it’s back to working off the weight I gained over the weekend. When am I going to stop doing that and stop gaining on weekends what I took off during the week?

I think of good things. Good things going on today and good hopes for tomorrow. And then the freeloaders and pigs pop into mind and ruin it all. Will they really just sigh and realize that yes, I am out of their jurisdiction and give up on me? Or will they refuse to let me go and then do whatever they have to do, legal or not, to get at me? Really, will I be forced to go down there and remove them from my ass somehow, some way, or will they just let me be and go chase murderers, rapists and child molesters?

How I spent so many years in the past wishing they would just forget about me! Always with me, always with them. That’s what I used to feel my whole life was and would be when it came to the haters and how they affected my life both directly and indirectly. Those I wish would remember me more often if ever at all never seem to do so while those I wish would just forget about me and go away forever cling to me like the most faithful of lovers.

To help ease my anxieties I try to let my creative side come out to play and make a game of the weekday stress I will go through for probably some time to come, especially since Tom’s not around then. Why couldn’t this have happened when he was on unemployment? Ah, but on the flip side, we’ve now got money saved to run with if need be. On unemployment, how could we run? We’d probably have to run to a cheap, noisy apartment, but it would be much better than jail, out of their jurisdiction or not. Yeah, I know. The PTSD is just making me paranoid. Like crazy paranoid.

So in my mind, I will have a gorgeous foreign bodyguard looking out for me when he’s not here. :)

It’s what they framed me with that worries me. Tom says there’s no point in worrying since I can’t control them and what’s done is done, but I can’t help but wonder and worry about it just the same, and whether or not there’s a connection between them and whoever was in my computer.

Tomorrow will make one week since the pig emailed me and if I hear anything else from the cock I’m going to go from concerned to pissed. But why oh why did the Mexican pig have to email the black pig to say a case had been made against me??? This one has me baffled as hell. Tom said they just pulled off addies I’d sent unwanted stuff to, but then why wasn’t the black bitch herself emailed? Didn’t she get unwanted stuff? Isn’t my hurting someone’s feelings, pissing them off, and bruising their ego what started this shit? I don’t even know that I did in fact email anything to the black pig. I know I sent a message or two to the company holding that contest when we were up in Oregon, and I know I bashed the cock on Rate My Cop but that’s it. And what about the one with the invalid domain? What the hell was that about? I’m suspecting it was a trap of sorts. I think they hope I’ll panic at the thought of the black pig being contacted in regards to me or that it’ll piss me off and make me contact him. But I know that even in the toughest state in the country they simply cannot make a “case” out of anything I’ve ever sent. It’s just not enough. Nothing I sent could possibly constitute as threatening or even slightly bordering on “hateful” in the kind of way I’m sure the black bitch wishes it did. Unless they made it look that way and this is what worries me most.

Tom says they can’t set a court date if they can’t serve me, but that’s not what I’ve heard. First of all, I think they can have me served if they really want to (probably at this address since this is the one tied in with the net), and secondly, I heard that a summons is still valid as long as they send it to your last known address whether you’re there or not. This means that they’re going to set a date for me to be arraigned, with or without my knowing about it just like they did shortly after we got into the Maricopa house, and then there’ll be a default warrant on me when I don’t show up. I’d love to check for warrants now since they usually arraign you within days of making a case, but I could be being watched. I want to appear as oblivious to them as possible if I appear at all. Tom still promises that going off the grid will do the trick because that way I don’t exist.

But I do exist and unfortunately so do these hateful, vengeful assholes that may not want to give up on me so easily and that may want to relentlessly pursue me as if I’d actually done something other than express myself and as if I’d actually hurt someone. They made me feel like such a criminal 12 years ago! Just such a total criminal. Even I had to remind myself at times that hey, I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t even slap them. There’s no Failure to Appear on me so yeah, it was a scam. It better be!

looks upward and wonders Will God protect me this time? Or will He throw me to the lions, sit back and watch while He leaves me completely helpless against these whackos? Please, God! Please don’t beat me over the head with these people! It’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the last time. It won’t be funny if there’s a next time either. Please, please, don’t do it!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2012 Today’s adventures in Computer Land consisted of trying a 30-day trial of one of Mac’s word processors called Pages and I wasn’t happy with it. So we configured MW some more in its virtual box. Still not sure if I’ll get Win7 and upgrade to that but I sure am tempted to at times. Mac = crap safer or not!

I am worried, however, about just what the hell they did when they broke into my computer. It’d be just my shit luck to have to go down for someone else’s evil deeds. That’s one of the few things that are much better about Mac. No doubt about it. Microsoft can, for example, decide to disable illegally obtained word processors if they want to from functioning in Win7. And that’s not all they can do. Windows is changing constantly and has many loopholes that allow them (and others) to get at your stuff and basically do what they want with it. With Mac, your stuff is not only much, much harder to get at, but your stuff is your stuff and no one can alter its settings or control it in any way. So again I gotta wonder – who was on my computer before I climbed out of Windows and why? What did they do? We know they were using me as a proxy to hide behind but to do what?

Not as much in the way of annoying vehicles today, but Jesse just had to come and go at least once on the motorcycle. It was barely 10am, though, and they’d already started in with the sawing. Jesse came down here on the ATV not just to check the pipes and tank in back but because he was worried someone may be sawing on the back of his land. The sawing did stop as soon as he came down here, but what’s up with all the damn sawing anyway? It’s never been this bad any other year we’ve been here, so why now? How much firewood can one possibly need in a place that doesn’t get that cold? It’s been so unusually warm that we don’t need the heat from around 10am - 8pm. It’s supposed to finally rain next week and I hope it’s more than just a drizzle! Especially during the daytime.

Why can’t I have the kinds of crazy, unrealistic and downright impossible dreams I had last night? Especially with my history of having too many bad dreams come to life. I was getting an abortion, apparently, and Tom told me to run back inside as we were on our way out, to get this coupon he had for a $300 discount on the procedure.

“How much is it anyway?” I asked him and he said it was $20,000.

“$20,000?!” I asked with surprise. “Forget it then. We’ll get rid of it ourselves.”

I was also floating on a raft on some strange-looking ocean, too.

Alison had a nightmare about Molly flying to Iowa to try to track down her ex who doesn’t want anything to do with her (she has mentioned this in her blogs) but instead she stopped in Nebraska and somehow knew her address. She showed up at her place screaming, “The cancer didn’t kill you so I will!” and then went on to attack her.

This really has Aly shaken up. Even though Molly’s supposedly got some kind of muscle condition, the sicko was an usher for a few years at a movie theater, so she says she would think she could still put up a fight if she wanted to, and is 6” taller than her. Aly’s short like me. She said that if she mentions actually heading to Iowa, she and Dustin will stay somewhere else for a while. Better to be safe than sorry, and she pointed out how I said I’d fear for her safety if Molly could get around easier and wasn’t as stupid as she is.

Molly Rose M, you are hereby welcome to come to NorCali any day. Really, I’d love a visit from you. I guarantee you I’m no one you could take. :)))

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 I should be working out right now but the pound I gained from that extra meal I just had to have yesterday is not very encouraging. I just can’t get up the nerve to “discipline” myself with cutting my tongue, puking or anything else. When I’m hungry, I just eat.

Jesse was amazingly quiet yesterday, but that’s because he was gone most of the day. This was obvious by the barking that started at 7am and tapered off a couple of hours later. I wonder if someone’s living up there with him and if they drove in in something quiet at around 9am. Jesse wouldn’t be so quiet if he was there and the dogs wouldn’t be so quiet if they were alone.

Later…

I made myself work my arms, abs and do at least a little running.

I’ve already heard that damn truck 3 times so far today but no barking. They could go ballistic tonight since it’s Friday if he decides to go out tonight. I usually keep the sound machines on throughout the weekends anyway but haven’t turned them on yet.

Wow, it’s gonna come close to hitting 70º today. It’d be a good day to air the place out a bit.

Maliheh has proven that we really can usually trust our gut instinct. I’ve been suspecting she’s basically been doing what Nane did by going longer and longer between messages and all that, so last night I sent an ecard that provides pickup confirmation (she wouldn’t know that) asking what was up with her. Sure enough, the card was picked up but not replied to.

Tom said she thinks she’s just been busy. So busy she can’t even send a quick message saying she’s alive and well? Besides, how busy can she be at 10:00 at night?

So I waited a while and sent another card giving her the last week’s worth of journals and it too was picked up. So yeah, she’s doing one of those slow fade-out routines. No doubt about it. In other words, she’ll probably email me soon to say she’s been sick or busy, but the gap between messages will widen till she one day disappears forever. I just don’t know if she’ll quietly disappear or if she’ll accuse me of some bullshit as Nane did in the end and then dump me. Oh well, it’s her choice. But it explains some things like why she never added me on Facebook. It wasn’t just about keeping me away from her friends; she could’ve hidden me from them. I think she forgave me, feels like she made up for the past by being my friend for a while, and now she’s slowly walking away since she’s sick of me and I was never her type anyway. There’s also the fact that she may’ve friended me long enough to see to it that her name was kept out of the book.

Even though Maliheh specifically told me she’d be my friend as long as I wanted to be hers, I realize you can’t always go by what people say. After all, Nane said it’d be a shame if I dumped her but then she turned around and dumped me. Twice.

Later…

Ended up hearing from Maliheh after all. Sure enough, she said she’s been sick and busy and wasn’t happy that I was airing out her business unless it was in just a private message to her in which case she was sorry for jumping to conclusions. I assured her I wasn’t discussing her online with anyone else, and she went on to tell me she wasn’t mad at me, once she’s someone’s friend she’s their friend, and she’s going through a rough patch with her mom and work that never ends.

Do I believe her? I just don’t know anymore. She sounds believable but I just don’t know for sure what’s going through her mind.

I’ve got a window open in every room. Heard someone drive up and set Brandy off for a minute, and then some thumps that I guess may be car doors. What is he doing now, dealing? Nah. He may be hard up for bucks since he has a kid, but I think he’s just typical where visitors are concerned. That’s one of my concerns about an adult community. Everyone but us seems to have company just about every day and sometimes many times a day. I don’t want to have to sit and listen to car doors slamming galore.

There goes the motorcycle which means there goes the barking unless someone’s up there. I’m gonna put the sound machines on nonetheless. This is the fifth distraction already and it’s not even noon.

Tammy hasn’t seemed to be on FB which is alright with me. Besides, if she’s like most people she’ll start a journal for a while but won’t stick with it. You have to really love to write to stick to things like journals and stories and this is the first she’s ever mentioned writing in the 46 years she’s been my sister.

Yesterday I was bummed, bored and void of energy. Not depressed or stressed but I was just in one of those lazy moods and because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do much, I was bored. I didn’t work on my story or do much of anything. I mostly watched movies, read and listened to music. Oh, and I did study some more of that ugly German and do the dishes.

Because I was in such a lazy mood without much energy, I wandered into the troll’s bullshit blog once again to find she’s supposedly recanted, saying she feels bad for wishing in her blog that Alison would die of cancer and is sorry for it. Then she admits to needing to get offline because she’s not acting responsibly, blaming it on having a mental illness and saying she’s trying to figure out what to do about it and how to get over her anger at her former friends. Every now and then she appears to know right from wrong and to be genuinely sorry for the mean and hateful things she’s said and with a desire to correct the error of her ways. But just hours or days later she’s right back to the same old shit with seemingly no concept of right and wrong, no guilt, no empathy, no compassion, and no desire to change. The sick and twisted obsession of stalking and reaching out to those who have told her to go away lives on.

Although I’m sick of public journaling and the time it was taking up to deal with “fans,” and am determined to stay out of Molly’s radar for the entire year, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were right where she is now come the end of 2012 – living with her parents, jobless, and chasing those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her. She still checks for me multiple times a day on thoughts.com.

I did get a kick out of her writing something about being paranoid that we’re out to get her and are plotting against her with the police. It’s nice to see her paranoid for once! But that’s anything but true. The pigs don’t give a shit and I still think that most people that call them do it out of spite and not because they truly fear for their safety.

I feel bad for Aly and Kim and not just because the troll makes it hard for them to ignore her, but because from the sound of Kim’s tweets, she may lose her dad soon, and Aly’s in the hospital. She said just when she thought her health couldn’t get any worse she ends up with a lung infection. I just hope she’s cancer-free! She was supposed to get her test results today. That girl is so, so cursed physically! I don’t tell her this, of course, but Aly’s not stupid. She knows damn well God has it in for her just like He usually has it in for us. Only difference is God uses money to beat us down and not our health. Seriously, if there is a God at all He is so hateful, merciless and void of compassion that it’s scary. But I do try to avoid cussing Him out when the shit hits the fan for fear of Him spiting me for it by adding more shit to hit the fan with. He just seems so vengeful.

I changed usernames on Formspring and Twitter to throw the troll off and even protected my tweets. But then Andy mentioned my Formspring account being deactivated when I didn’t deactivate it. I sent those Formfuckers a message, but haven’t heard back from them. They’ve always been a glitchy site and I wonder if the name change has anything to do with it. Since I was never a big fan of the site I’m probably not going to fight too hard to restore the account. I know Andy liked my backgrounds and being able to post his favorite lines from my journals, but I can send graphics in emails and he can post faves in other places. Meanwhile, we can still play on his page; I just appear anonymous.

German grammar is such a joke. Not only cuz there are 12 different ways to pluralize things but because of things like the uses of the word come. We say “come here” whether it’s to someone we know well or not and regardless of how many people. But in German, you must say “kommen hier” if it’s formal and for those you don’t know well. The informal usage is “komm hier” for one person and “kommt hier” for more than one person. How fucked up is that? Kommen, komm, kommt… why can’t they all just “come here?!”

The descriptive gender words in romance languages drives me nuts, too. In Italian a fat woman is grassa while a fat man is grasso and a group is grassi. Why can’t we all just be fat! LOL

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2012 I am so pissed off right now between Jesse, the black bitch and Molly. Molly hasn’t done much to me directly lately but she is continuing to spew such hate and anger towards Alison that I’ve gone from feeling bad for Alison to literally wanting to beat the shit out of Molly for the mean shit she’s been saying, just words or not. She still jumps back to saying she wants to be friends and is missing her oh so much, but it’s getting to be more and more “I hate Alison and hope the cancer kills her” kind of shit and to not go to her blog because she’s such a terrible person, then she posts the link to it.

What the hell’s the matter with Thoughtsthat they sit there and let her get away with this shit? She’d never have been able to say this shit on the old Kiwibox site. It’s just ridiculous! And wrong and unfair. It only deepens my own anger and hatred toward the black bitch that can have me investigated and God knows what else while this crazy little shitster carries on with her usual shit that’s gone on for years. When did I ever say I hoped the black bitch would die and post links saying to stay away from her because she’s not a good person? Molly’s just one step shy of actually making threats. My God, I hope she kills herself or that her parents wake the fuck up! I’d love for them to wake up in the middle of the night to find their darling daughter standing over their bed with a knife in hand. Would they be such protective enablers then?

She finally wrote about the day she went off on her parents and got committed for it. She said her mother could’ve had her arrested for threatening to kill her but didn’t. Oh, but they can arrest me for what’s supposed to be the same thing, right? She said her father was in her face and screaming at her while pointing his finger. It had to do with wanting to see one of the guys she’s harassed for years up in Iowa who doesn’t even want to know she exists. He then took her by the wrist and made her sit in a chair after putting her in a headlock for threatening to kill her parents and then she said she called the cops on him. “I hate living with my parents!” she screams in her blog. “I have no freedom!”

How can say she has no freedom when everything is done for her? Her shelter and food and utilities are all paid for, she doesn’t have to work, and she’s allowed to sit on her ass all day and harass people online yet she doesn’t have any freedom? WTF??? Really, just WTF?!?!

But the sad thing about it is that she could never hold a job long enough to support her own damn self. She’s just too fucked in the head.

I love how she’s complaining about colds, nose bleeds and stomach pain. Gee, I wonder why! Have I been a “nasty influence” on the black bitch too, or has God been protecting her from that, too?

Just like she needs to stop reading certain people’s blogs, I really gotta stop reading hers. It’s like her addiction rubbed off on me somehow. But why read what’s only going to be the same old, same old fucking shit until she graduates to threats?

Let me bitch about Jesse before I get to the hater. He damn near drove me batshit crazy yesterday gunning and running vehicles on and off throughout a 10-hour period, but the car is gone so maybe it’s been sold. I heard like 4 different vehicles up there yesterday (truck, ATV, motorcycle, dirt bike), except for maybe the bulldozer, and of course there was a barking spree thrown in, too. He’s really taken what country living is supposed to be all about, and I just hope and pray that Tom doesn’t get laid off and nothing happens to stop us from getting out of here this summer. Things have slowed down at work. He hasn’t even had any OT lately, though they did say something about the first week of the month being slower.

Tom said Jesse didn’t seem to be around last Thursday since the trash was still there when he got back, and from the sound of the dogs which have been barking for nearly two hours, I’d say he’s out this Thursday as well. It really pisses me off to need sound machines going just to hear myself think and to be able to concentrate on my writing. Sometimes I just want to hear nothing but the sounds of nature but he won’t let me have that much unless it’s at night. Well, as long as it’s not a night that he’s out somewhere. They say it’s going to FINALLY rain next week. That’ll keep him off some of his vehicles, especially the Harley and the dirt bike, so long as we don’t get just a drizzle.

I don’t mind taking a break from public blogging to get away from Molly if only for a year, but it makes me feel controlled by that fucking black bitch down south all over again. I’ll do what I have to do in order to protect myself from once again being wrongfully arrested, prosecuted, convicted and fucked over, but still…here I am all these years later having to once again alter my behavior because of her.

Tom says they can’t serve me because I’m not in Arizona, I don’t use an Arizona driver’s license, and it’s not something like murder, but the dream I had last night was a little scary. There weren’t pigs camped outside the door waiting to legally kidnap and haul me away, but some woman called and informed me in a snotty tone that I would be receiving a summons to appear in court. Playing dumb I asked why and she said something to the effect of my blog pissing people off. I then made some kind of reference to Tom after hanging up about the possibility of me being in deep shit depending on just how many people that may be.

Tom keeps insisting I’m just paranoid, it wasn’t a real cop, and I’ll be fine as long as I stay off the grid. I hope he’s right. No, he is right! He is right because I will not let Arizona have me once again!

Anyway, it’s frustrating wanting to watch a movie now but knowing it’s pointless since the barking in the background will only be distracting.

It’s also frustrating when I can’t make up my mind. Continue to put up with this Mac crap as it is? Get Word for Mac? Windows 7?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2012 My arms are a bit sore after getting the new equipment and working out much harder. The muscle I’m gaining is amazing! You can see muscle definition on my entire body, but despite all the running I do, my legs are the least visible of it, especially up in the thigh area. Yet any idiot can look at me and see I work out hard even though I could still stand to lose some fat and inches. I’ve decided to space out my days off. Instead of taking the whole weekend off, I’m taking Wednesdays and Saturdays off. That way I don’t have two days off in a row.

Tom said Jesse’s trying to sell an old car that’s parked out by the main road. That would explain all the engine gunning and loud motors I’ve been hearing since people are probably coming around to test-drive the thing. It would also explain why he’s been zipping up and down the drive on the ATV. I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it today, too. :(

Looks like the troll, who deleted her blogs and has started over like she always does, is back to sleeping. It hasn’t peeked in my blog for 10 hours.

I have been thinking about the shitsters in Arizona (like I can help it) and I really wonder just what the hell it is they want to charge me with. I have gone over it again and again in my mind as far as anything I ever sent and I am 100% sure I never said or did anything illegal. I can guarantee that much. This means they’ve got to have set me up and altered something I sent with threats and no doubt racial shit as well. They had to have. Unfortunately, the race card works well anywhere in the country, but what better state to play it in than Arizona?

I’m pretty sure we’ll be finding out just what the bullshit charges are or at least what they’re calling them as I really think a summons is next. Just like that person we once knew got a letter about their case first before they got a summons. Any idiot knows that a few mailings and a phone call hardly constitute “stalking” but that’s what they called it. What will they call whatever it is I supposedly did this time and is it a felony or a misdemeanor? I don’t think Arizona has many things that classify as just a misdemeanor, but like I said, I think we’ll be finding out soon.

Threats are a possibility too, but I think they’ll just go right for the summons rather than threaten to arrest me if I continue to ignore them or something like that. I really think it’s already hit the courts or is about to because I still think the pig would’ve said “A complaint has been filed or made against you,” and not “a case.” I just don’t think we’ve heard the last of this or that they’ll give up on me that easily, off the grid or not. I just wonder what God will use to sic this hater on me again if that’s what He’s really going to do. Last time he used my sister. Who/what will it be this time? It’s just that things tend to happen the more you’re anticipating them. The more you’re expecting a particular email or phone call from someone in particular, the more messages you seem to get until then and the more the phone tends to ring. Someone who’s maybe looking to try to sell you something shows up at your door when you think it’s the company you’re expecting. So does this mean the pigs will come down here for something totally unrelated and scare the shit out of me while they’re at it? Seriously, I may have vowed not to let them get to me, but that would still scare the living daylights right outa me!

As we know, a judgment can be filed without the defendant present in a lawsuit, but what about a criminal case? Can they just decide what my so-called punishment should be without me there? One that could entail a fine that they help themselves to from Tom’s paycheck? Again, I can’t imagine how the hell I could be fined, jailed or even just thrown on probation for anything I’ve done. I’ve seen some of Molly’s blogs. I know how she behaves online and she too, lives in a state with barbaric laws/sentences. But since no one black is involved and God seems to love to protect everyone but me may be why she continues to get away with stalking and trashing people online like she has for close to a decade.

I just know I’ve been set up. Whatever it is they’re planning to nail me with, I was framed. No doubt about it. And you know what? I don’t know what’s worse – getting nailed for something you did do or getting nailed for something you didn’t do. I will admit, however, that the thought of the black bitch going to court all over again all these years later just to find I’m not there is a touch amusing.

And I never will be there! I can’t make God look out for me, but I can look out for myself and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them victimize, abuse or control me or my life ever again! I will not report to any court or PO cuz they said so. I will not be dressed in their funny little uniforms! I will not be kept from my home, husband and pet! I will not eat their bland or overspiced food! I will not shower in their cold showers! I will not live in their concrete and steel world! I will not pay them money.

I will stay right here in this dumpy little trailer until my husband and I are ready to leave it.

Thinking back on what happened last time around, was I even technically under arrest when the black pig hauled my ass to Phoenix or was I just being dragged in for questioning that I could’ve refused but didn’t know I could? While it was dumb of me to open the door (I really thought they were looking for someone else and that if I just showed them my ID I’d be okay) I just wonder if I was actually arrested yet at the time. I could’ve sworn Tom said something about the pig telling either him or the queen that it “hadn’t been decided yet whether or not I’d be booked.” Then someone at the PD told some woman pig to “just file it for now.”

I’m a curious person that likes to know how things work, fucked up or not, and I wonder if I could’ve refused to go with them that day or if then they’d have arrested me upon refusal. I’ve been racking my brains trying to remember if I was ever shown an arrest warrant or Mirandized and I honestly don’t remember either way. I know I was arrested half a year later by the Mexican pig for the little court call I never received, but did the other pig(s) arrest me???

Whether or not someone threatens me or comes to question me, how will they react to my not appearing in court? That’s what I wonder. I worry about it a little, too. Will that make them try harder to screw me? I’d like to think that no state would spend the time and money to extradite someone for whatever threats and racial slurs they may’ve inserted into my messages, but stranger things have happened.

I’m just so sick of people trying to fuck with me for expressing myself. Be it by phone, by email, online… I’m sick of being treated like a child and told what to do! No one’s told me what to do as of yet in this case, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them start and let them seize control of my life simply because someone couldn’t handle what I had to say or because they had to falsify evidence against me for something I didn’t even do. I don’t kill people, I don’t steal from them, I don’t burn people’s houses down; all I do is speak my fucking mind! If you don’t agree with it, don’t listen! I am so, so sick of people getting on me for words and not actions. Why don’t they wait till I actually do something before they fuck with me, not that I have any desire to do anything to anyone? Not unless they give me a reason to.

I wonder if the pigs will try to friend me with a bogus profile on FB or something to see what’s going on with me. I doubt they’d go that far, but I won’t accept any strangers. I’m keeping the friends I have but am not open to new buds no matter how hot they may be. I miss the social scene but I don’t. The variety in people, countries and comments was fun, but not the drama that sometimes came of it.

Was just reading back on the summer of 2000. I was arrested around 7/17 and was supposed to be arraigned on the 31st. But the fuckers fucked up the paperwork so it was bumped up to 8/3. So I guess they arraign someone pretty quickly after deciding they have a case against them, real or falsified.

The signs were there all along. My dreams said it all. Yeah, I was reading back on some of the nightmares I had at the time. I just didn’t know I was psychic at the time! Not in that way. The thing is, though, if someone’s gonna come after me to arrest or question me I probably won’t dream about it till the night before. So just because I feel “safe” and “ok” about the situation right now doesn’t mean trouble may not be coming next Monday. I still think they’ve either set an arraignment date or are about to.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 2012 I don’t feel nervous but I guess I must be. Why else would I have shit 6 times in 30 hours? One more and I’ll plug my ass up for a day or two with anti-run pills.

The last thing I want to hear is Jesse’s daily barrage of engine gunning, but I’d also like to hear my surroundings, not that I plan to open up for any pigs. Unless Jesse lets them in or they kick their way in here or they ambush us in the drive, I have nothing to say to them.

Perhaps another reason I feel so calm is that I already made up my mind years ago that I would never let them fuck me over again. They got me once and they’ll never get me again. So let them make their “cases.” Let there be a thousand warrants, but this time they simply can’t have me.

Do I also feel calm because my psychic side (no bad dreams last night) knows I have nothing to fear like Tom says as long as I go off the grid? Maybe so, but if I’m kidding myself it isn’t going to be because I was dumb and naïve enough to open the door for them. They’d have to drag me out of here. And I won’t be honest with them like I was in the past by admitting to sending the journals, thinking the truth would set me free, so to speak, and that they’d leave me alone if I just “leveled” with them and told them what they wanted to hear.

Going off the grid is something I have mixed emotions about. I feel like they’re controlling me in a sense and I’ll miss seeing who comes around my blog and some of the comments I’d get, but I like the idea of a year or so off from the troll. I’m only blogging on Facebook – oh no! I hear the ATV. I hope he’s not coming down to tell me the pigs were questioning him about me! I think I’ll just blare the sound machine after all. Unless he really does come down here, I don’t want to hear his shit all day. I can’t concentrate on my writing and it’s just plain annoying even when I’m not writing.

So anyway, I’m only blogging for Facebook friends and via email for Andy. I’ve stopped all emails to Maliheh because I don’t know what the hell’s going on with her. I don’t know if I’ve been dumped or if she’s got some kind of crisis going on in her life, and right now all I care about is keeping crises out of my own life. Every time we get up, something or someone seems determined to pull us back down and I’ll be damned if I’ll let life or the people in it drag us through the mud again.

I may still tweet and do Formspring with Andy, but no blogging for about a year unless these sickos and pigs force me to acknowledge them. Tom guarantees going off the grid will do the trick, but I don’t know about that. I sure hope he’s right cuz there have been other times I thought I was done hearing from the law just to later find out I wasn’t. I dread checking my email, but again, ignorance isn’t always bliss. So yeah, even if they don’t come here I expect a slew of threats will be next. Call-us-or-we’ll-arrest-you type of threats. Then again, I don’t know that they’d be willing to let me in on anything else they may have in store for me from here on out.

I was mistaken in saying the pig emailed Tom, but I sure would like to know what the black pig has to do with this and why he was emailed. And how did they miss some of my email accounts?

I tweeted that I was unable to log into my main blog and that’s what I told others as well so they wouldn’t be curious and so that it wouldn’t look suspicious if the pigs were watching my online activity. I hate the idea of giving Molly the satisfaction of thinking she ran me off the site, but to hell with her. This is more important.

I know in my heart and from a logical standpoint that I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG other than to say things people don’t want to hear and that pissed them off, but I need to act like I’m guilty as sin to protect myself from Arizona and its crazy laws/punishments. Arizona is chock full of corrupt pigs, lawyers and judges. Well, the whole country is, but Arizona’s one of the worst. I know what it’s like to be legally railroaded and victimized and I will NEVER let it happen again. I will deny, deny, deny just like Tom said if I’m ever questioned. I will also say I thought it was a scam since it was sent to multiple emails and that I thought the person might’ve been in another country and didn’t speak very good English since they said they “worked” for the PD and not that they “work” for them.

Tom said the less I give them and the less I seem to exist, the better my chances are of not being hassled. But each thing I do can add up. In other words, they wanted to get me for earlier pranks I pulled on the blacks, but it wasn’t enough. It was the journal and the call that ultimately gave them enough ammo to screw me.

But what did I do between October and now to “give them enough ammo?” Or were they just planning a case all along?

That’s another thing that bugs me is the usage of the word “case,” along with the fact that this time the pig that’s on my tail is a Mexican. Figures, huh? But they’re the ones that usually go after us whities when someone plays the race card. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s been done, and God knows what evidence they may’ve falsified. Digital things can be easily manipulated. Tom said, though, that it’s just a police report from the statement the black bitch gave, but then why didn’t the pig say, “A complaint has been made against you” instead of “A case has been made against you?” That word really bugs me and I think they either already set a court date for what I guess would be an arraignment or they’re trying to find out my address to make a date and send me a summons. I don’t know if they need to know one’s address to do that, but I still think they could find out our addresses if they wanted to. And our phone numbers. I just hope that Tom’s right in saying that all he is is just a small-town cop trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth so they can nail me. The law mostly thrives on vengeance, not justice. If it were mostly about justice you wouldn’t have so many people getting off so easy or not even being charged in the first place.

We were talking about someone we knew in Oregon who had a full-blown criminal investigation going against them and had already reached the courts in which they were ordered but failed to appear. It was a felony, too. Anyway, Tom explained to me how they went off the grid and why they weren’t arrested and extradited being in another state and all that.

I just hope he’s right and that they’ll leave me the fuck alone! But I will say this… sometimes people can come to regret tapping one on the shoulder one too many times and forcing them to face them. Really, if you stick your hand in a hole in the ground, something just might bite you and make you sorry as hell:) Yes, sometimes fishing someone out of their little nest has a way of making us wish to hell we’d never gone fishing in the first place. And I promise that this time around I WILL make anyone responsible for turning my life upside down, should that happen in a legal way or not, sorry they were ever even born. I am, however, determined to do all I can to see to it that it doesn’t come to that but yes, I will kill for my freedom and I will die for my enemies at this point. Had I handled these people as I should have from the get-go things never would’ve snowballed and gotten so damn out of control! But I was too “nice” and “cooperative” and definitely naïve in some ways to stop the mountain from forming from the molehill. I just hope that for everyone’s sake, I don’t become an obsession to the pigs. I am white, like it or not, she’s black, and unfortunately there is history there.

Later…

I called my parents, wanting to see if Dad was feeling better. I’ve been concerned about him. Again, I know there’s nothing I could do from afar or even as his neighbor, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t care and worry about what’s going on. Fortunately, Dad himself answered. Ma was at the store. He said he was feeling better and he sounded it, too. Last time he sounded a bit winded.

He said he just finished my book and that it was good. Wow! That’s not only quite a compliment but I wasn’t sure he’d get through it, sick or not, LOL.

Why can’t we have a landlord that likes to do nothing but sit on his ass inside his house all the time? This isn’t the city for God’s sake! Yet nearly every day these woods are filled with the sounds of engine gunning, loud vehicles and chainsaws. I’m really getting sick of the daytime noise around here. I wish it would rain this guy indoors! But we’re having a serious drought. It hasn’t rained but maybe a dozen times since last May and I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will again. The 5-cast says the same thing it’s said for a while now – sunny and 60s. It gets down in the 30s at night, though, so it’s pretty cold then.

Been having congestion and it was more noticeable this morning for some reason. I don’t think I’ve been getting too carried away with my love of incense, but I’ll take a break from burning any for a while. After all, this shitbox is only 500 square feet.

I’ve been hit with writer’s block and hope to pull out of it this week and get back to work on my current book. It’s not that I don’t have enough ideas for the story; I just can’t focus at times. Like most writers, we have our cycles and these blocks tend to come in waves where we’re on a roll for a while, then we don’t write, and back and forth. I’m only consistent with my journal because that doesn’t take as much thinking. Also, when you have ADHD it can make it hard to concentrate when your efficient but noisy landlord starts gunning and running loud vehicles or you’re suddenly thinking of other things.

Like hoping things will continue running smoothly. Things were so bad for so long that I admit I’m not used to them going well for more than 5 minutes. But it’s now been a few months and I hope it will last while I fear it won’t. I try to suppress these fears, however, for our fears sometimes have a way of manifesting themselves if we dwell on them too much.

“Kate” was doing a fine job of pissing off and even making the troll rather anxious yesterday to the point that I thought she just might leave Thoughts after all. Instead, she just ran poor Aly off before I went off the grid. She is spewing hate and anger toward Alison like crazy. Well, she’s angry over a lot of things, but a lot of it seems directed at Alison lately. She simply makes it too hard for people to ignore her.

While I was never much of a people person to begin with, it was interesting seeing people from all over the world visit my blog and learning about their own lives. Some of them anyway. Most I don’t care to know as it’s the same old predictable shit that doesn’t interest me, but a few could be rather fascinating.

But Molly really spoiled the fun and the fact that she’s acting worse than even a 15-year-old typically acts at 28 years of age is not only sad but kind of scary as well. She’s been this way for so many years that I wonder if she’ll be doing the same thing 10, 20 years from now. It makes me furious to know the pigs can “make a case” out of me when there’s no comparison to anything I’ve done as opposed to what Molly’s been doing for over a decade now. But that’s just our unfair God for you. I’m sure she’ll continue to get away with it. He may punish her in other ways, but I don’t know if the torture of anger and depression over lost friends and exes is good enough. I think legal action should and needs to be taken against her to scare her straight, so to speak, if that’s even possible. If it’s not then she needs to be kept away from the internet.

At the same time, our twisted God/laws infuriate me, I giggle at the thought of her wondering what the hell became of me for the next year or so since I’ll probably spend at least the rest of 2012 off the grid. Well, she’ll see my posts on Twitter and Formspring, but she’ll wonder where the hell I’ve been blogging and what I’ve been saying about her. Oh, and one of her posts (she makes tons a day that are usually not much longer than status updates) said that one of the 5 reasons she wanted to be Alison’s friend was because they both wear makeup, LOL. That’s a good one.

I also liked how she statused that her mother was taking her laptop away until she could stop going to Alison’s, Kim’s and my pages. It didn’t last very long at all if she really did take it away.

I don’t want to dwell on trolls, pigs, blacks, courts, laws or God. I’m still asking God to protect me this time around, but I don’t know that He will in the end. I know that if he really wants to feed me to the wolves, He can and He will and there won’t be anything I can do about it. And so it is up to me to do everything within my power and control to keep the evil away.

I’m sick of the online scares as it is, so yeah, I’m kind of looking forward to keeping a low profile for a while. Online terrors like Molly, Molly’s mother and then the pigs, have gotten quite old. The only way to stop that cycle is for me to back off for a while.

Tammy, on the other hand, tells me she’s thinking of journaling herself. I’m surprised. I didn’t think writing was her thing any more than learning languages.

She said she was almost admitted to the hospital yesterday, is on oxygen and high doses of valium, and in need of bed rest. She also said it’s been hard on her and the girls emotionally.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If she’s not terminal, then why is she suffering so much? Either way, I still don’t know if I like the idea of her contacting me for tips on journaling. She’s getting too close lately. Too close for comfort. And every time she says she wishes I’d visit, I cringe.

“We’re never visiting her and she’s never visiting us,” Tom said.

Damn right! Tammy is a flame that if you get too close to for too long, you will get burned. There’s still a lot of anger there toward her. Tom said some warrants really do expire and I guess he’s done more research and would know these things. Battered woman’s syndrome or not, confused or not, had she not gone and sicced the pigs on me, the black’s warrant would’ve expired probably within a year and what was a then naïve little me would never have been abused by these sickos other than the shit we went through as neighbors.

Oh God, you can’t let them get me again! You can’t!

MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 2012 Up and awake now and so is the troll. It seems to only sleep 3 hours a day, claiming it’s having flashbacks to the day she was supposedly attacked and wondering when there’ll ever be justice for what happened to her. That’s what I wonder as far as those in Arizona go.

Before being funny farmed she bitched that she was sleeping 12-15 hours a day. I wish she’d sleep 24 hours a day! She might’ve gone back to bed, though. She wouldn’t go 44 minutes without viewing my blog if she were home and awake.

A part of me wants to share the parts of yesterday’s entry where I talk about her, but another part doesn’t want to get her going again and fuel the fire when she does that herself enough of the time as it is for no reason and without provocation.

I asked Tammy if she’s hit menopause yet. The lucky bitch had a full hysterectomy in 2005. Right now she’s dealing with pain management doctors, I guess, for a better quality of life. She also says she’s glad we’re happy, she misses me and wishes I could visit, and has read some of my writing or journals, thinks they’re great, and is something she might look into. Compliments like that make the idea of dumping her a bit harder. I’m surprised she’d want to look into writing, though. I just never thought she had any interest in that any more than learning other languages.

It’s been so warm in here in the afternoons that I’ve had to run fans and open windows for a little while. I assumed we’d have a wetter spring to make up for the fall and winter drought, but at the rate we’re going I’m not so sure about that. It seems the whole country is having an easier winter.

Haven’t had any dreams about moving for the last two nights, and while I’m not really sure what my dreams were about, it seems they had a negative undertone to them. Nothing about money or jobs, but it seemed like I may have been running from something or someone.

Okay, time to go post an entry for her to vote down.

Later…

She did vote me down but others, including myself and the bogus account I created, voted me back up:) I’m picking on her from that other account too, and down-voting her in return. I’m trying to drive her off Thoughts and make her feel as unwelcome as she claims she feels, but she’s too obsessive to give up that easily. Hopefully, I can drive her crazy enough in ways that won’t get “Kate” in any trouble.

Later…

NOTE: This was a scam, as in fake email, fake detective, fake everything. Unfortunately, because I was legally screwed over in the past, I let my paranoia get the better of me. Yes, the same people that screwed me over in the past were likely involved, but there was no "case" made against me. This farce stemmed from me sending them some emails in which I said nothing they wanted to hear.

I wish I could say an engine-gunning landlord who seems to spend more and more time gunning his vehicles than riding them was my worst of problems, and no, Tom hasn’t been laid off or anything like that. But an Arizona PD made a case against me. So much for praying to God not to beat me over the head with my perps, old perps or not. It’s like He put them on this earth just to torture me! And this is right after I have dreams about running from someone or something. My first thought when I awoke from the dream was the black pig for some reason. It was just a fleeting thought, but a thought nonetheless.

Oddly enough I’m not freaking out and having the runs like I did when Google first informed me they were snooping into my account (if it’s even real). And just maybe God will protect me this time around and my worst problem will be having a default warrant out on me that never amounts to anything. But if that warrant is for anything federal, I’m fucked and I may as well be in Arizona. Meaning, they can arrest me in any state if the charges are federal. If I knew it was a misdemeanor or non-federal then I wouldn’t worry.

The email was from a Det. Juan D in the Criminal Investigations Division saying a case had been made against me and to please contact him, but no information was given about the "case." The strange thing about it was that the email was not only sent to 3 of my email accounts, one of which hasn’t existed in years, and to Tom as well. It was also sent to what appears to be an invalid email as well as the pig that was involved in the last case and that O Group that held the contest for a grand of cash when we lived in Oregon. Tom said cops weren’t allowed to post their pics online in cases like that but after I entered I saw a picture of what I swear was the pig standing with his wife. After that, I contacted them, said who I was, and requested my name to be pulled from the contest. But what the hell do they have to do with anything???

I still think this has gotta be connected to the black bitch and the auto-sent blog posts, though I still don’t see how they can make a case out of that for spam or any kind of slander case. Nothing I’ve written isn’t already a matter of public information, nor did I write anything threatening or racist in any way short of expressing my opinion on reverse discrimination like a million others have done.

I didn’t want to forward the message to Tom, so I not only called him but sent him an email about it, though he got the same message. How rude of the pig to send it to 7 different addresses, but that’s just the pigs for you – can do no wrong/can do anything they want. Still, emailing Tom my two cents on the issue might’ve been a dumb idea if they were watching me. Then again, I probably would’ve had to be notified if they were reading my emails like Google had to notify me they were looking at my account.

It’s either got to be spam or slander they’re trying to nail me with if it’s not a scam of some kind. But how do you nail someone for spam that’s sent just a handful of messages as opposed to thousands? And how do you nail someone for slander when no last names are used and nothing I said wasn’t public info anyway? This makes me wonder if they’ve got something on me I don’t know about. Something they made up or altered. Like maybe they took the posts and added threats? Damn myself for ever sending them! Then again, the pigs should know to check for that unless they’re in on any alterations themselves. A non-white person’s word is automatically taken over a white person’s so that right there may cause them to skip looking into any wrongdoing on her part if this really has to do with her. I don’t see how it could be connected to the pig cuz he was in Phoenix. So was that O Group. I clearly remember looking at the address on the site when I thought I recognized the pig.

Tom called me back and said not to worry and that he’d find out what was going on when he got home and everything would be okay, and it’s likely just a scam.

Is it? Cuz I’m older now. I can’t handle jail like 12 years ago and even then it nearly killed me. But that was just the lack of sleep, cold showers, horrendous noise, inedible food and emotional stress. Now I can’t see without glasses which they’d never let me have. I also can’t go without lotion or lip balm of some kind, especially lip balm. Lastly, I now have an ear that is a regular problem and needs regular attention. Sorry, but they just won’t oil my ear in jail. Even if I could handle it, I won’t let myself be victimized by my perps all over again! I refuse to be humiliated like that all over again when my worst crime was daring to speak my mind in a legal and civilized way like a million other bloggers. If she didn’t want the entries (if that’s what this is about) all she had to do was mark them as spam. That’s what the “spam” button is for! And if it’s slander they’re trying to get me for, then somebody’s got a very guilty conscience somewhere. Why else would you worry about what people may say, especially if no last names are used? That’s why I wonder if something more is going on.

I don’t know if having the internet in Jesse’s name is a good thing or not. The thought of the pigs coming here is bad enough, but what if they get him involved? Then what? I would still think they could get both our addresses if they really want to. Cops wanting to talk to me and sending subpoenas isn’t my worst fear. It’s being sued or extradited. Whether or not I could handle jail itself, we can’t afford to have me extradited! And we also can’t afford any probation fees or to be sued! Tom said the pigs don’t get involved in lawsuits, so suing may not be likely, but I wonder if it would say something like “Federal Crimes Division” if it was federal. If it’s not federal or if it’s a misdemeanor then I’ve got nothing to worry about since I’m not in Arizona. It was a government email but it probably is for all pigs whether they’re investigating petty misdemeanors or murder.

The shitty thing is that whatever it is they’ve got, real, imagined or altered, it’s almost guaranteed to be a no-win situation for me. Not that I ever plan to go to court willingly, but if they’ve got a case on you, they’ve got a case on you. Period. Very seldom does anyone walk from it with just a slap on the wrist unless it’s something like petty phone calls like back East. No one gets off easy in Arizona and when a perp plays victim that isn’t white, that’s guaranteed to sink your ass right there. In other words, no matter what I did or said in court, I would never win. Not many people go to court on criminal charges just to get off. Lawsuits may be hit or miss but not this type of thing. They wouldn’t make a case without being 100% sure they could hang me, just like I feared they wouldn’t be investigating me if they didn’t think they had a case to begin with.

The only options I can see that this shit leaves us with is:

Carry on as if we never got the emails and hope for the best.

Go underground from the net and just let my friends and family think I’m dead.

Kill myself. I would kill myself before I let them wreak havoc on my life all over again for God knows how many years and how much freedom and money.

Run, even though we don’t have the money to run with.

I’d rather be homeless on the streets in freezing cold weather than in jail. Really, I can’t go through that again!!! Not even if it was just down the street much less in Arizona of all states! I’m too old now and we can’t afford it. Even if we could, how will we ever have a life and get out of here if our money’s tied up in jail/probation costs? I refuse to spend money on them by buying a lawyer and I refuse to use a public defender who would only make sure we did everything wrong and that would hurt me. I know that if I’m ever backed into a corner I’m going to deny whatever it is they’re accusing me of, guilty or not. I should’ve listened to the bonds lady who told me never to plea bargain. I’m just really worried about it being federal or that they set me up somehow. Damn myself for ever contacting them! I should’ve known I wouldn’t get the same protection others get that do much, much worse than I ever have.

I don’t want to give up any of my life for these sickos! They took so much from me before that I don’t want to give them anything else to take. Not my time, not my freedom, not money, not my online life, not our possessions, etc. Just because it was legal doesn’t make what they did to me right in any way, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them fuck me over again! They will not get me this time! They will NOT! I will not let them have me! Not me, not Tom, not any part of our lives! If I’m going to give up anything in this case I would rather just give up my life altogether and kill myself.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8, 2012 I’m going to take a break from emailing journal entries to Maliheh because I just don’t know what’s going on with her. This is the longest I’ve gone without hearing from her. She’s a very blunt, honest and outspoken person and since she has insisted it’s not me, I have to believe that and that she’d tell me if she wanted to dump me for any reason or was mad at me. Therefore, something must be going on with her and I don’t know if she’s been getting my messages or has had the time to read them. I will wait till I hear from her, then I’ll catch her up to date on what’s been going on with me. I’ve asked her numerous times to reply to my messages and let me know what’s up with her, but haven’t heard back. This isn’t like her. Something’s going on. Just wish I knew what!

Aside from learning that Dad was in the hospital, yesterday was a fun day at Walmart. As always, I can never resist shiny things and good smells, so I got some more of those scented body mists (Enchanted Forest & White Gardenia) and a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings. Got a ring similar to my pink one too, only this one is lavender and in a smaller size. I wanted a pinky ring, but they didn’t go under size 5. I’ll have to get a kid’s ring to fit my pinkies. Even the glitter bangle I liked slipped right off my wrist that’s how damn small I am.

I also did get new earbuds after all. They’re pink and the kind I can insert in both ears.

I know we should be saving but one has to have fun every now and then and have a life.

I even got some new workout equipment that will allow me to work my arms more and with a wider range of exercises. I can even work my legs with this thing. Running doesn’t necessarily work the inner and outer thigh muscles very well. I bought a trio of resistance bands. They’re similar to my others only longer so I can work both biceps at once, for example. The gray one equates to 5 pounds, the red to 10, and the black to 15. When used all together it’s 30 pounds.

Instead of getting Windows 7, we decided to just get Word for Mac for now. We’re going to order it online.

Time to bitch about Molly, but this can’t go online, of course. Well, she’s the craziest I’ve ever known her to be. Totally at the worst I’ve ever seen her behave since she first latched onto me in 2009. Paranoid, delusional, accusatory and very angry. She’s leaving messages on profiles of people I’ve never heard of saying, “Why are you talking about me to ratgirl?”

But they’re not! I’ve never even heard of the users she’s accusing of talking about her with me.

Her current status says: Jodi shut your trashy mouth.

But I haven’t said one single thing about her on any site I use and I even told Andy not to mention her. Hmm… not sure if this insanity is more funny or creepy.

Now it’s: I dislike ratgirl.

One status update that was funny was when she said she went into her parents’ bedroom at 5:30 this morning and laid her head down on her mother’s leg who has a very bad cold. Quite a coincidence that she gets sick after pissing me off again, huh?

Anyway, while I do admit I read her blog at times just to laugh at the craziness of it, I really wish she would kill herself or that someone else would do it for her. I really fear the rest of my online life is going to be forced to have her included in it. I can’t post links just anywhere, I can’t allow for anonymous comments or anything like that which may open me up to more harassment from this loony tune. It never ends! I just get a few days off here and there. Dani said she went through this with her years ago, then she left her alone for two years, and now she’s back at it in full swing. Wish she would give me two years off!

One blog post which was directed to me as a “letter” said I should leave her alone. After all, why would I want to bother with someone who’s just 28 years old?

But I’m not doing anything to her! I’m not mentioning her in my journal, not contacting her – nothing. Anything I’ve said about her has been done in private only. And what’s with the 28-year-old thing? Oh, but it’s no problem for her to keep following a 46-year-old, right? It’s only okay to harass those that are older, is that it?

Alison said she’s been hospitalized before for threatening suicide and her parents (which she also recently stated isn’t the answer), but how the hell one gets out of the hospital after just 5 days for making threats like that is beyond us. Why hasn’t she been committed or had tests run on her? The doctor is probably unaware of her online obsessions and behavior, and of course her enabling parents continue to make one excuse after another for their darling daughter.

She’s not even sleeping anymore, so it seems. Been up round the clock blogging about her misguided and senseless rage, mostly towards Alison, her parents and her ex-boyfriend. One minute she wants to kiss and make up, the next she’s “better off without them.”

It isn’t just her erratic moods and clinginess that drive people crazy, but her warped sense of reality and blatant lies as well. She gets mad at people for things they didn’t even do or that normal people wouldn’t get mad at. You never know if asking her what her weather is like is going to piss her off! Even she admits the slightest thing gets her fuming. And to say she’s as bad as a bad liar can possibly get is an understatement! Her lies are so damn obvious that I don’t know who the hell she thinks she’s kidding. Certainly not most people.

She’s mentioned the possibility of going to a group home. She needs to go somewhere but most of all she needs to be banned from joining social sites since she just can’t leave people alone. All she does is piss them off so she can have fun stalking them and trying to “win” them back over. It’s a sick, twisted game to her.

She’s also mentioned the Caesar case. This is the guy who she claims raped her, but as Aly said, she wouldn’t trust anything she says about that. Besides, her story has changed numerous times. According to Aly, Caesar was a nurse who visited her grandparents in the retirement community they lived in. She liked him and he flirted with her. Then one night things went a little too far. But as Aly said, Caesar is supposedly still on the loose and she doesn’t get why the parents haven’t done anything to have him apprehended or Molly avenged if something serious really happened. Aly agrees it was probably just a case of assault at its worst. All Molly said was something about telling the DA she was afraid to testify for fear of him harming her and her family. I wish he would!

Aly said her mother said to just ignore her and she’d eventually go away, but as we both know, ignorance isn’t bliss in the Molly case. Yes, the less we mention her the less we hear from her, but that doesn’t make her go away altogether. And so I came up with an idea and a suggestion for Alison. I told her it’s great that she didn’t die of cancer for real, but who says she can’t die of it at least for Molly’s sake? Yeah, as in faking her own death, LOL! Kim and I could maybe blog that Dustin told us she died or something.

Aly got quite a kick out of this idea, but worries the troll may still have her parents’ number and the last thing she wants are her parents getting a call from this batshit crazy nutty sicko in regards to it. I can understand her concern, but at this point, I’d worry more about myself than my parents. Or maybe she can warn her parents up front about what she plans to do.

Ignoring her simply doesn’t work, but as crazy as she’s driving people she’s well within the law. Even if she wasn’t, after being a victim of corrupt law enforcement officials, I could never reach out to the law and trust them anyway.

Later…

Geez, now she’s posting things like “I feel hurt and betrayed by Alison,” on random profiles, some of which are minors.

She can’t even watch a movie without whining about how horrible her life is. That oughta tell you something right there about someone who can’t even sit through a whole movie without bitching about friends they’ve lost forever.

What’s got me pissed off is that even though I’ve got her blocked from leaving messages and making comments, she can still vote on posts. She’s been down-voting a lot of my posts as well as Alison’s and Kim’s. This pisses me off more than her trashing me with lies in her blog because it makes me feel like she’s controlling my stuff. Her blogs are her blogs, but mine are mine, and I feel like she’s got a hold on me of sorts by having the power to vote on them. I can delete unwanted comments and messages, but I can’t undo her votes.

She’s spent almost 9 hours on my blog so far today.

Tammy apparently read my blog. Not only did TIP say so but she left a comment on Facebook in regards to the entry about Dad being in the hospital saying she was sorry she didn’t tell me about it and that she should have. No worries, I told her. I find out about things sooner or later either way.

“I will be 50 in less than 4 months,” ugly Lori left on my wall.

So? What does she want for it, a medal? Really, I am so sick of an unlimited supply of attention from crazies and uglies! Am I really that crazy and ugly myself? Except for Alison, what do these people see in me that attracts them so? Why do the hot Nanes and Malihehs of the world keep their distance along with the saner ones? What is it about me that scares them off? Or am I simply overreacting and taking something personally that most people experience in life?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 2012 I prayed for whatever was up there to show me a time frame in my dreams of when and if we may be moving. Instead, I just had another dream about moving. At least they’re coming and I hope they’re a sign of good things to come. I feel like there are hidden messages in some of them if only I learn how to read them.

There were a few things I didn’t like about last night’s dream. For one my hair was down to my waist. If that’s any sign of a time frame, well, my hair is about two years from being waist-length again. It grows fast and I may be short, but my hair is still barely past my shoulders.

The dream started with me telling Tom that I had a dream that we got a place with a pool toward the back right side of the house. It was enclosed by a black iron rail fence and was behind the end of the driveway.

Then we went to an “open house” party of sorts where all the people in the adult community we were hoping to rent a place in were out and about in the streets and in their yards dancing to country music. Some houses seemed to have two stories and I watched some couples dancing on their balconies. I was glad to see that they were all older people being in an adult community and all that but hoped that they wouldn’t make these parties a regular thing if we were going to live there.

A short heavy blond woman admired my long hair and seemed to be attracted to me, though I pretended not to notice.

The other thing I didn’t like about the dream was my being worried that they may discover Tom was just a temp. I hope this isn’t suggesting he’ll still be a temp next summer when he turns 55, but I’d rather he keep working as a temp than be laid off.

I don’t know if we were able to rent a place there in the end or not, but I was given a little booklet about the community and what it had to offer. Apparently, there was a community pool. I wanted to see if I could find a picture of it and see if it was toward the right of the house to get a sense of whether or not the dream I had in the dream could mean anything, but the page that pictured the pool had been torn out of the booklet.

Later…

I called my parents now that we configured the phone properly on the Mac. As I was hoping it would be the case, Dad answered instead of Mom. Mom was at the store. He told me he was in the hospital the last few days and was just released yesterday. I was sorry to hear this too, and I feel so frustrated and helpless being so far away. On the other hand, there’d be nothing I could do to stop him from aging and to fix his heart and lungs if I lived down the street from him. I still wish I could be there just long enough to give him a hug at times!

I thanked him for the gift cards and we touched base before some nurse came to the house. I just wonder how much longer he’s got. And why didn’t I have any bad dreams about him upon going into the hospital? I’ve had bad dreams about others right before bad things happened to them. Maybe it’s because it’s simply part of aging and all that and while I don’t like it any more than most of us do, my mind has simply come to accept this sad fact of life in which no one is exempt.

I’d love to write more, but it’s been a long and tiring day. A fun day other than learning my dad was ill, but a tiring one just the same. I’m going to just go make myself comfortable in bed with the Kindle and read till I fall asleep.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 2012 I wasn’t going to do another entry today, but since I’m usually busier on weekends, I thought I would bitch and complain about phones and computers. I love ‘em and I hate ‘em!

I went to call my folks to thank them for the $50 Red Lobster GC they sent but the phone would only sound through the computer and not the phone itself. My parents might also be having problems on their end because I got nothing but static and screeching when either Dad or the machine picked up. It wasn’t clear enough to tell which it was.

As for computers – I’m still trying to get used to this Mac crap and not liking it very much either. Still not sure I want to spend money to upgrade to Windows 7 right now because we really want to save for the move, wherever that may be. OSX isn’t as fun as Windows, but it’s not impossible to use or completely intolerable.

The earbuds I was using for watching movies on the computer broke and I’m so determined to save money that I’d rather use my headphones than buy new ones even though they don’t cost much. I use the headphones when Tom’s sleeping because this new heater is so loud I have to really crank the volume up. Even with the door shut it’s loud. Sure works well, though.

Whoever’s in here next is going to have it easy as far as things breaking go because, by the time we get out of here, everything will have been replaced or upgraded.

When I was working out earlier, I glanced over at Tom, who can sleep through anything, and studied his sleeping form. I had to suppress a giggle at the thought of him magically becoming someone I’m not at all fond of just long enough for me to run up and stick a blaring earbud in their ear, LOL. The iPod’s earbuds still work just fine. Leave it to his evil wife to have that kind of fantasy. :)

Speaking of fantasies involving the same sex, I still miss hearing from Nane and Barbara but I know I’m better off not hearing from them.

I’m disappointed that my second book isn’t selling very well so far. I was hoping more people would actually buy it instead of just saying, “I’ll check it out.”

They had Tom sign a form at work giving the temp company permission to disclose his background check with a company that the company he’s working for wants to do business with so he can access their computer. Hopefully, this is a good sign that they’re not going to let him go anytime soon.

Last night I got the sign I asked for in my dreams. Now all I need is a time frame. Well, I don’t need one. I’d just like to have one. I’m naturally curious.

Tom and I may go to Walmart tomorrow just for fun and for variety since it’s been a while since we’ve been there. We kind of miss it. We don’t like the store and the crowds, but we like the selection and the prices. Walmart is sort of like computers; can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Hopefully, we’ll go early enough to beat the crowds, though that may mean having to deal with tons of boxes in the aisles instead.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 2012 When I was going to bed I did my usual prayers to help guard against financial and health problems. Still not sure it does me any good, but can it hurt? I also asked for a sign in my dreams as to whether or not we’re moving and where to. I ended up having an interesting dream, alright. While no particular state was ever mentioned and no landscape of any kind was visible to get a sense of what kind of climate the dream took place in, we definitely moved long-distance. This I know because in the dream I giggled to myself thinking what experts we’ve become at that sort of thing and here we go again, jobless and homeless till we land on our feet somewhere after making the big leap.

Then some guy was showing us rentals. I don’t know if we knew him or not, but I don’t think we did. He pointed out that there was this particular string of rentals that celebrities rented from time to time. I was just about to ask how the hell we could afford to rent something they could afford when he explained it with just one word. I don’t remember the word but it all made sense to me in the dream how we could afford it. I just wanted to rent what was right for us and not because celebs rented it, too.

Once I was awake enough to analyze the dream I came to 4 possible conclusions and was no closer to knowing what the future holds as far as moving goes and where to. I figure the dream could mean that a long-distance move is many years away, or we could be sitting on a bunch of money I don’t know about to get us moved sooner, or something’s just playing with me, or it means absolutely nothing at all. So it’s nice that I got the sign I asked for. I just wish I knew what it meant if it meant anything at all. How should I interpret it?

Makes me wonder, though, if those other rental dreams I had that I assumed were in this area could’ve been elsewhere.

So the troll is capable of threats after all. After a wonderful 5-day absence from my blog, she wrote in her own blog that she just got home from the hospital after threatening to kill herself and her parents, she feels better now, she’s back on medication, and she misses talking to Alison.

I wish she would off mommy and daddy if she’s not going to be kind enough to do herself in. That way she would go bye-bye for a lot longer than 5 days (she spent over an hour on my blog today) and I wouldn’t have to worry about that scary mother of hers who has got to be the most intimidating person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting online. Does she want to be so protective of her now? Now that she’s threatened her? Really, does she want to threaten to file suit now?

She’s still talking about Aly and why she hasn’t heard from her. She also said it was funny how a few people started talking to her for a while after being mean to her for so long. Of course being “mean” means trying to avoid her and telling her to go away and stay away, not wanting anything to do with her.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2012 Some people have asked about what I’m writing at the moment, so I thought I’d let people in on my next book. To make a character stand out we authors sometimes give them unique traits. One of my lead character’s noses sometimes twitches like a rabbit and as people notice this along the way, they nickname her Bunny Nose. So that’s how the book got its title. I had mapped out this plot in a half-assed sort of way before I “split” with Nane and it will definitely be the very last role-inspired story she’ll ever be in. It will also probably be the last story to take place in Germany that I’ll ever write. But that’s only if I can get myself to write it. It’s not that I haven’t got enough ideas for it (the plot is simple yet a little more intricate than my last couple of books). It’s just that I haven’t been in the mood to write much lately. Maybe when I’m on days I’ll work on it. Unfortunately, I have to work around my sometimes noisy landlord’s schedule. Because of all the loud vehicles I often hear up there I have sound machines going during the daytime. I can write and read and do things like that with the sound machine, but I can’t watch movies that way. So nights are usually reserved for movies while the days are for writing.

I realized I don’t have to work out to music only. I wouldn’t want to work out to movies since the sound of the treadmill running would make it hard to hear. This newer louder heater is bad enough. But I can set the Kindle on the treadmill and read while I work out if I want to so I might try that for my next workout. I’ve got 15% left of The White Angel Murder.

I’ve noticed that with half-hour workouts on the treadmill 5 days a week, I can maintain my weight on 1500 calories a day. That’s the perfect amount of calories for me. 1000 leaves me too hungry, 2000 too stuffed. But I’m still a fatty even though I do look quite fit. I wonder, though… could I lose weight if I upped my time to an hour and still have 1500 calories? 1500 still seems like a bit much for me to lose on even if I worked out 5 hours a day, but I may try it sometime.

The part of the floor that got wet from the hot water tank leaking smells kind of musty so I sprayed perfume on it and then sprinkled powder over it. Hopefully, that will absorb any leftover moisture and smells.

We’re still setting record highs with record dryness. It’s barely rained a dozen times since last May. I’ve had to sleep with the fan on low because it gets close to 80º inside here in the afternoons.

Evie now has a Facebook account. I sent her the link to both my books, LOL, knowing I’m not going to get a reply, but that it’ll spark some talk and curiosity. You never know; maybe even a sale or two. The last time I sent David an unrated, unreviewed book link. But Evie gets to have two 4-star book links with great reviews, thanks to Eileen and Mitch.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2012 It’s been almost a month now since I heard from Maliheh. What the hell is going on with her? Can she really be that busy that she can’t at least send a quick email once a week instead of once a month???

Sold a copy of Evil Amongst the Evergreens in the UK today. :)

Nothing broke around here today, Tom had a busy but ok day at work, and I’m definitely climbing back in the Windows once again. But not until we order Win7 this weekend and upgrade to a safer, newer version of it. I just can’t get used to OSX and we’re having enough problems with it anyway – keyboard dying, mouse dying, etc. It totally sucks shit!

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 2012 Something hasn’t wanted me to sleep very well so far this year. It seems I kept waking up constantly. A tickle in my throat caused a coughing fit. The smell of food cooking woke me up. I also woke up just because. What was weird was that Jesse didn’t wake me up when he came down to make sure the new hot water tank was working out ok, and it is.

Had to sleep longer to make up for all the waking up I did along the way, but once I got up for good I was good to go. Except for a slight cough I’m fully over my cold or flu or whatever it was I had and was able to do a complete workout now that my body’s energy isn’t being used to fight the illness. After I was done I felt refreshed instead of drained. This was the first time I’ve been sick since 2007. Before that, I was sick in 2000, and before that in 1997. I hope it will be many years before I’m sick again!

We’re just about done setting up house in OSX. Still gotta tweak and fine-tune a few more things. The conversion and configuring was a huge job but will hopefully be well worth it in the end. If Tom, who’s been using OSX for years says it is, then it is. It’s a bit of a pain using my old word processor in a virtual box since I had to reconfigure everything but it sure beats OpenOffice and AbiWord. I may one day buy the latest version of WinWord which now has an application for Macs.

Tom showed and explained to me that copying/pasting pictures from sites isn’t a safe way to go about it and that I should use the codes only because the codes only contain the pictures themselves. But if you copy the whole thing it can have viruses and other junk embedded in it which may very well be how I got infected with Windows. These infections aren’t as likely in OSX, but not impossible so I guess I’ll have to be more careful about how I do things online.

No “jobless” or other bad dreams to warn of impending trouble ahead. Instead, I’ve been having more dreams of living in newer, bigger places so hopefully that’s a good sign. It’s a damn good feeling to know that if the car suddenly completely died and was totally unfixable, we could buy another car. It’d be an old used piece of shit, but we’d still have a car and Tom could still get to work. That possibility alone of the car possibly dying, even if it was unlikely, was a huge stress for a long time.

No views from the troll for two days. Her sister just popped a kid and she last said she wasn’t getting along with her mother, so hopefully they’ll both be too busy to bother with me for a good long while and then hopefully Molly will take up new obsessions and go stalk someone else. As Aly said, while the mother can seem a bit scary with her threats, she wouldn’t sweat over her because it’s only natural, right or wrong, for a mother to defend her kid. No mother wants to believe their kid simply can’t make/keep friends.

Aly, like me, realized the few days she gave her some time and attention was a waste and that she’ll never change, so she’s silently bowed out of her life and will also be doing her best to block and ignore her whenever possible. I knew Molly had a thing for trying to “make” people like her, but I didn’t realize she was so damn needy with her constant cries for help with this person and with that person who she either can’t get along with or who’s been trying to avoid her for the same reasons most people do. “Help me!” is a constant plea from her. And “I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one cares. No one wants to comment on my blogs.” She even said this when I was giving her attention and comments several times a day. There’s just no pleasing this girl. That’s how she first snared Aly in; by begging for help and coming off as desperate, helpless, and doomed. I think that’s how she reaches out to just about everybody. That’s what she did with me when she first contacted me deciding that I would be a good one to talk to when she was supposedly raped by a male nurse. But I know that wasn’t all that was motivating her. It was my connection to others she knows that drove her to contact me. Molly likes to come off as a damsel in distress and she likes to pick fights, make enemies, and then stalk those who come to loathe her.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 2012 With the exception of some lost sleep, the hot water tank breaking turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It started with a slow drip but then it started leaking big time sometime during the night. Once again that same area of the bedroom by the wall where the bathroom sink pipe was leaking was wet and stained and I almost considered waking Tom up, but said, nah. As long as none of our stuff got damaged, to hell with pesky Jesse’s baseboards and carpet.

I crashed around 6am and about 4 hours later awoke to them working on it. It turns out that Jesse had bought a brand-new water tank because he thought something was wrong with his own tank, though the problem turned out to be something else. So it worked out great for us not only because we won’t have to wait till Tuesday for him to get a new one, but because we went from a noisy 20-gallon tank where the hot water would be gone in 10 minutes or less to a quiet 35-gallon tank. Now I can take the 15 to 20-minute showers I like to take and this tank doesn’t “popcorn.” The other one was so ancient and made popping sounds when it would fire up. It had probably been in there for about 20 years or so. This new one barely fits in the cubbyhole the tank goes in, but thankfully they managed to get it in. And to kill the beehive that was in there as well. Yeah, we knew by all the yellow jackets hanging around that there had to be a hive somewhere close by.

What sucks is that Jesse will probably want to come down tomorrow to check on things and fuck with my sleep then as well. They left the door open to it to air out the wet walls and floor. It’s pretty dry out, so that’ll help. At the rate we’re going it’s never going to rain here again. We’re going to come close to hitting 70°. It saves us propane in the afternoons because the heater doesn’t usually need to run for about 4-6 hours during the daytime.

Still setting up and configuring my little world in OSX and converting this and that. It takes some serious getting used to. I hate all the other word processors I’ve tried so far because they don’t do everything I want them to do, so we’re going to set up a way to use my old word processor without actually running Windows. It’s called Virtual Box. You set it up to think it’s running a whole separate computer within your computer.

[otter1962crystalball]

Facing an Addiction

June 16, 2024

Today is June 16th and we are in the second half of Pride Month. Today I am continuing the story about Dean from yesterday.

Dean and I grew very close. He would often stay in my condo over night. On the weekends, we would sometimes stay at his apartment. I was getting really tired of the nonsense that goes on in Condo committees, so one day, I put my condo up for sale. I had done some really good upgrades so I got substantially more than I paid for it. Dean and I bought a house in Strathcona using most of my money. Dean helped out by making payments and buying groceries. I was teaching full-time and he continued to work at the bathhouse. We stayed there for a little more than a year and then we decided to buy a better house off Commercial Drive. It had more space and a lot less work to be done to it. I lived there until 2013.

For the most part, we had a great life together. We both loved the house and spending time together. Then one day it all started to change. A long time friend of Dean’s moved back to Vancouver. It turns out that he was dying of cancer and wanted to have some fun before he passed. Dean was more than willing to help him live his dream before he passed. I have to add that Dean was a very kind and humble man. He would help just about anyone. So it came to be surprise when Dean’s friend changed everything.

When I first met Dean, he was taking Percocet for a back pain. Before his friend arrived, he had switched to Oxycontin. I never really thought much about it because Dean had stopped drinking alcohol and we celebrated his sobriety every year. This year would be different. Dean started to not come home or be outside the club when I went to pick him up. He would be late and would give no reason why. His demeanour also changed. He complained of of not getting enough Oxycontin. It was around this time when he started to miss payments to help with the mortgage. I was working in a good teaching job, so naive me just paid the bills.

One day, I went to pick him up and he wasn’t there. I parked the car and went into the bathhouse. Another friend knew me and let me in so I could find Dean. What I found shocked me. There was Dean in a sling and had a parade of men going into his room and fucking him. I found this out from the friend who let me in. I approached Dean and took him home. His friend kept coming back and Dean would disappear for days on end. I was very confused as to what was going on.

The day where everything changed was one that shocked me to my core. I asked Dean if he were taking drugs. He said that he was taking crystal meth, also known as Tina. Previous to Dean, I had had a couple friends who became addicted to the stuff and I knew that it was very difficult to quit taking it. I asked Dean how long and he said for the last month, but pointed out to me that he could quit whenever he wanted. It all became clear why he hadn’t been paying his part of the bills. He had started using his wages to get Oxycontin for him and his friend. Turns out they were freebasing it (grinding it up and cooking it in a spoon and injecting it). Later, Dean turned to crystal because his friend took it because he knew he was going to die and didn’t care. Dean, while he was able to stop drinking, he hadn’t dealt with the reason why he was drinking in the first place. His problems never went away, but just hid so far inside that I never knew he was suffering from this. So he turned to crystal.

I told him that I would not continue a relationship with him if he continued to use crystal. I also told him that I stand by him if he got help. He again said he could quit anytime he wanted. The problem was, he and his friend didn’t want to quit. So, I told Dean that our relationship was over and that he would have to find a place to live because he hadn’t paid anything in months. What he did was to barricade himself in the basement. He barred the basement door and the two back doors. He told me that he had a right to live there as he was on the mortgage. I didn’t know what to do, so I contacted another friend and I can remember quite clearly what he said, “Grant the Dean that you once knew is now dead. You’ll never get him back.”

I quickly realized that I had a major problem on my hands. Soon, there were people knocking on my door asking for Dean. There was a constant stream of men coming and going from the basement. I called a lawyer and began the process of getting him out of the house. 

Dean lost his job because of his addiction, so he just stayed in the basement for most of the time. I had to beg him to allow me to use the washer and dryer in the basement. He had to supervise me when I was doing so because he said that I was after him and that I was a horrible person. It also turned out that he seroconverted because of the many men with whom he had had sex. 

One Friday night, a few months in, I came home from school exhausted. I sat on the couch and suddenly I heard this horrible banging in the work shed side of the basement. It had a separate entrance form the other side. I banged on the door instead of using the key. He came to the door naked. I asked him what he was doing. He said that he and another guy were fucking and whether I wanted to join them. He was clearly stoned and was very aggressive. I looked past him and saw that he had installed a sling from the ceiling and that was what I heard from the first floor. I begged Dean to not do this. The other guy quickly dressed and ran out. Dean followed him, so I went and took the sling down and hid it in the garage. When Dean came back, I could hear him screaming in the basement and soon, he was knocking on the front door. I opened it a crack and he yelled at me to give him back the sling. I tried to push the door closed, but he was stoned and seemed to have found major strength. He pushed the door ajar enough to reach in and scratch me down my arm, which started to bleed. I told him it was in the garage and that I was calling the police, so he took off.

When the policeman arrived, he came into the house and I told him about being attacked by Dean. He asked, if we were a couple and I said no longer. He also asked if Dean was on the mortgage. I said yes. I asked him if he was going to help me and charge Dean for assault. The policeman just looked at me and said, “I can’t interfere with family issues. This is between you and him.” I then plainly asked him that if I were a woman, would he help me? He simply said, “Yes. Have a good evening. Just don’t get stabbed or shot.” He then left me there to try and understand what had just happened.

I am going to stop the story here because there is a lot more to it. I got sick a few days after Dean’s attack. My doctor examined me and took some tests. He told me that I had dysentery and it was caused by Dean’s scratch down my arm and that it was from having sex without cleaning up. I was horrified.

Dean had indeed changed from a humble kind man to this raving maniac. My lawyer told me that welfare had provided Dean with a lawyer. This is when the fight for my sanity and my home began.

For this Pride, I am celebrating surviving a trauma. Tomorrow I will write why. If you have faced dealing with a drug addict, then you know what I had to deal with in this situation.

Carpe diem, everyone and happy Pride.

[uncommon-etc]

Not quite the same, but one time myself and four colleagues got made redundant from the branch we worked in of a chain of aquatic shops, because the garden centre our premises was based in wanted to lease the space out to a Costa, which was rubbish, because it would be at least six months before our boss could open a new branch and none of us had the kinds of savings required to not work for six months until we could start back at the new shop.

So everyone worked those last couple of weeks knowing that the shop would be closing, and that we’d all have to find something else and you know what? They were some of the best weeks of my working life. Our manager gave us paid time off to go and do interviews for other jobs (before we couldn’t even get paid time off for medical appointments), the regional manager gave us a tonne of discounts on stuff for our fish, because he was have to move all the stock to another shop anyway and he felt bad that we’d be out of a job. We all thought about how well we actually liked each other, and how much we’d miss each other when we didn’t see each other every day (a lot of people think the close colleague relationships they see in a show like Superstore or Parks and Rec are unrealistic until they have to bid those people goodbye and change jobs)

Because we could basically do anything and there would be no reprecussions because we all knew we were losing our jobs anyway through no faults of our own, we all became a lot nicer to each other, and the higher-ups became a lot nicer to us. I would have gladly gone on doing that job, as it was in those last few weeks, for the rest of my working life, and I was barely getting paid above minimum wage. If I could do it for a proper living wage, the kind you could pay off a mortgage with, I’d do it forever and never complain about how doing a face-to-face role with the public can be the absolute worst.

[incompatible-with-life]

I need to be put down.

I don’t even feel human. I’m so removed from what a normal human experience should be. I can’t do that. I can’t have that. I’m not a social animal. It kills me. I have social anxiety so bad I would rather die than make a phone call to a stranger, and not in a quirky exaggerated way. I have literally tried to kill myself because I was so terrified of a phone call I knew I’d have to take the next day. I can’t have social connections. I’m not built like that. They don’t help me, they hurt me. They put me in near-constant stress and terror. I cannot overstate enough that social situations drive me to suicidal levels of dread. I can’t actually comprehend that for some most people that those aren’t only relatively stress-free events but positive ones??

I can’t see myself as a part of a species who’s social need is something that harmful to me. What do you mean something that’s supposed to be a need for that species is literally killing me and I’m supposed to feel kinship? I can feel that over art, passion, and pleasure, but over socialization and community? I feel nothing but dread and the self-hatred of being in an environment that makes it so painfully clear how there’s something wrong with my very being that makes me unable to be like them. I’ll never be able to be open in front of anyone who isn’t one of the rare (about 3 in my entire life, definitely not more than 5) I didn’t miraculously fall into closeness with. I’ll never be able to enjoy party games and activities. I’ll never be invited to interesting events. I’ll never have a job that’s not a shitty minimum wage job I have to leave after a month because daily social interactions and constantly being watched wears me down to suicide attempts barely a month in.

I’m not made for human life. Human life causes me mental anguish. Yet human society doesn’t give me an easy route to anything survivable. If I can’t socialize enough to keep a job, I can’t pay for food or shelter. I can’t just live on the streets because there’s laws against that (not even getting into survivable weather, safety from dangerous people, etc) I can’t go live in the wild because besides the potential legality of that, I wasn’t raised in an environment where I could develop any sort of survival skills. I can’t do anything. I’m trapped in a cycle of dread, misery, exhaustion from constant dread and misery, the odd random boost of motivation to try to survive, then right back in the trenches usually only a few days later when I remember how impossible it is for me

[2hlawfirm]

3 Common Mistakes That Can Lead To Denied Wrongful Death Claim

The death of a loved one has a significant effect on everyone who goes through it. Grieving is painful and takes a long time, but it takes even longer when the person who died was killed in an unfair way. If your loved one died because of something that shouldn’t have happened, you can file a wrongful death claim.

A wrongful death claim is a lawsuit filed by the family members of a person who died because of someone else’s carelessness. You can file a claim for wrongful death if the person who died was under 18 or over 65 and their spouse, children, or parents living with them.

A wrongful death claim has two parts. The first part is for compensatory damages, which are money to cover the dead person’s medical bills, funeral costs, and lost wages. The second part is for punitive damages, which are meant to hurt the person who is being sued.

How To File a Wrongful Death Claim?

To file a wrongful death claim, you will need to make and submit an affidavit that says how the person died and what your relationship was with them. The testimony should include any proof that backs up the case, like medical records and statements from people who were there and saw what happened (if any).

Common Mistakes That Can Deny a Wrongful Death Claim

Waiting Too Long Before Filing the Claim Even though it’s hard to think about when your loved ones died, it’s important to think about how long you must start legal proceedings. In these situations, you may have more time to file a claim, usually up to two years after the person died or the cause of death became known (or should have become known), whichever came first. For example, if a person dies because of bad care from a doctor, the time limit is two years from the date of death.

Making Public Statements If you want to file a wrongful death claim for the person who died, don’t say anything in public to the police, the media, or other people. Because these things can be used against you in court, you should always talk to your lawyer before you do anything.

Not Hiring a Lawyer Claims of wrongful death are hard to understand. Insurance companies will always look for ways not to pay out claims. So, your case against them should be perfect. But when you’re sad about the death of a loved one, your thoughts can be all over the place. Since you are too close to the case, it can be hard to keep the emotional distance that is needed from it. When this happens, a lawyer is necessary. It is better to let the experts handle the legal process than to try to do it yourself.

Conclusion

Even if the person who killed your loved one didn’t mean to, you need a lawyer to explain your family’s rights if they died because of what someone else did. Contact the lawyers at 2H Law Firm. We know the laws about wrongful death in California and how complicated personal injuries and wrongful deaths can be. Call (619) 374-9320  for a no-cost case evaluation.

[olderthannetfic]

I’ve seen so many fan translators who weren’t meaningfully fluent in both languages, and the results can be hilarious. Of course, I’ve also seen pro translators of things like manga who didn’t understand the most basic idioms in English, so...

If the US were willing to pay anything close to a living wage for fiction translation, we’d have fewer problems, but the only people who can make a reasonable living are the patent translators and such.

So I don't care abt the morality of this, so eh. I download fan translated works, even when there's an official version. Most cases, aka when I have the funds and know about it, I buy the officially translated works and books, but there's something very special and specific about fan translated works, by people who you know actually care about the source

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