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radioactivepeasant · 1 year ago

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Snippet Monday: Blackmail au

Prologue

"Travel the stars with us," the Precursors said, "Become one of us."

"I will," answered the hero, "but only on one condition: in the next iteration of this endless cycle, let the child have his family. Let at least one iteration of us know his father."

"If we allow this," said the Precursors, "you will still be the chosen hero. You will still hold the blood of Mar. And you will still suffer. But for one lifetime, we will let the child be a separate person, in exchange for your service in this lifetime."

"Then it is agreed," said the hero, and so the wheel of time turned, changing direction ever so slightly.

Part One: The Bargain

"Ah, there he is, right on schedule." Krew chortled as Jak slipped through the pub door.

There were a lot of people at the bar, all Wastelanders. Tess shot a worried look at Jak, but kept her bubbly smile up. What was going on? Were these friends of Sig’s? Jak wasn't so sure, considering the concerned grimace Sig was sporting.

One of the newcomers, a broad, scarred man with a drooping mustache, stood up and approached Jak slowly.

"Yep," he drawled, circling the boys, "Nipper's got the eyes alright. Same jaw, too." He snorted. "Heh. And here I was afraid you was losin' your touch, Krew. Right. We'll take 'im."

"Excuse me?" Daxter sputtered.

"Sorry, Jak," Krew said without the slightest shred of sincerity, "But after that little racing stunt of yours, I had to do some thinking. I've got a lot of money riding on Errol winning that final race. I'm afraid you've just become too expensive to keep on. No hard feelings, eh? It's just business."

"Ok?" Jak eyed the Wastelanders suspiciously. "And that's supposed to keep me from racing because...?"

"Because you're under new management, shall we say." Krew gestured to the Wastelanders. "Don't think of it as being fired! Think of it as a transfer of sorts."

Daxter bristled. "You wanna run that by us again, Morning Breath?"

Instead, the Wastelander turned on his heel to face Krew. "Now, you an' me, we both know you're askin' too high for the state the brat's in. Come on, Krew, you ain't fed him this whole time?"

Jak went rigid and began to back towards the door. Whatever was happening here, he wanted no part of it.

"Well it's wholly up to your lord's discretion, of course," Krew said, oily smooth, "If you can't come up with the price, I'm sure the Baron would pay fairly for a soldier of Jak's caliber."

One of the women at the bar laughed meanly. "Lordship said you might say that. He also said to remind you that you could do that, but only if you feel like being hanged with your own entrails."

Krew fanned himself and hovered higher. "Oh dear me, that sounds like bad blood, doesn't it? Speaking of blood, you'd best get moving if you don't want to lose the boy, there. I'm not responsible for losses incurred during pickup."

Jak had barely gotten out the door before they were on him. Someone grabbed Daxter from his shoulder, and four more sets of hands pinned his arms. These weren't weak, exhausted Havenites. Or indolent KG looking for excitement. These were real Wastelanders, and they were more than a match for Jak's struggles.

"Let him go, rot you!" he snarled, lunging for the woman holding Daxter by the scruff, "Get your hands off him!"

"Easy, boy, easy." The woman took a step back. "Just gonna hang onto Shorty here as insurance."

Sig finally managed to push his way through the crowd and elbowed one of Jak's captors in the gut, hard. As the man doubled over, Sig ripped his hands off of Jak's arm.

"Hands off my rookies," he hissed.

"Sig, w- what- what- what-" Jak could barely speak. Rage and terror constricted his lungs, his throat.

"I don't know, cherry." Sig shook his head grimly. "But I'm gonna find out. No matter what happens, you stick close to me and do as I do, okay? We're gonna get you through this."

Then he shoved the rest of the Wastelanders away, one by one. They parted like wheat before the wind, like they knew Sig. Like they respected him. The second he was free, Jak had to lock his knees to keep from collapsing. He couldn't even bring himself to be angry that they could all see him trembling uncontrollably. Krew had sold him to Wastelanders like a piece of meat. Like a slave. What would happen to the search for the Tomb if he was imprisoned in the Wastes? Would The Shadow force the Kid to search in Jak’s stead? He wouldn't put it past him, not after the jobs they'd sent him to do.

"Oh, I do so love facilitating family reunions!" Krew cooed, hovering at the door, "It warms the heart! And me wallet!"

He waggled his fingers meaningfully and cast greedy eyes over a trunk the one called Kleiver kicked in his direction.

"Mmyes, tell your liege lord I'll keep me eyes peeled for the smaller brat, eh?"

Jak's already chilled blood froze. He lunged for Krew, barely restrained by Sig at the last second.

"Don't touch him!" he growled, "Don't you even look at him! I'll kill you! I'll rotting kill you!"

Jak didn't see the Wastelanders around him, even Sig, suddenly exchange extremely grim looks. But when Sig tugged him away from the bar and towards the waterfront, he knew something had changed.

"Quiet, cherry," Sig hissed in his ear. "You're gonna have the Guard down on us with that yelling, and I don't want to give Krew any ideas about collecting that bounty on you!"

They had to physically drag him into the air train, and even that was only possible because the woman holding Daxter captive went in first. Cursing Sig every step, Jak struggled in vain to get his arms free.

"Jak!" Sig finally exploded, "Knock it off! We're trying to save your ass, here!"

"I didn't ask for your help!" Jak aimed a kick behind him and met hard metal armor. Memories of the prison clawed at the edge of his mind, threatening to pull him back into a dark place.

"You have no right-! You can't buy- you- you-"

His breathing became rapid and labored. "I am not a thing!" he screamed, finally breaking free.

Seconds too late. The hatch was closed.

"Jak! Jak, look at me, kiddo, look at me!" Sig desperately tried to grab his arm.

"I don't know what's going on, you gotta believe me. But I know Krew wasn't joking about selling you to Praxis, and I'd die before I let that bastard get his hands on you again."

Kleiver curled his lip at them from across the hold. "Paid a ransom that coulda fed a garrison for a month and this is the thanks we get? Ungrateful brat is what you are."

Sig glared at him. "Ransom?! You walked in there talking like an auction! Who's ransoming Jak?"

The woman holding Daxter spoke up.

"Lord Damas wants him. Krew contacted him, month back. Said he had proof the Heir of Mar abandoned a bastard son during the coup and if nobody came forward to "take responsibility", he'd out him to Praxis."

Jak went very, very still. Was Krew using him to defraud someone? Wouldn't be out of character. But where had he gotten the idea to pass Jak off as the lost Heir? And did that mean little Mar was abandoned? If he was, Jak knew he was going to make this so-called lord in question pay in blood for it.

"Jak? Bull. Damas lost the baby in the coup. He didn't abandon him." Sig snapped.

"Not on purpose, at least," Kleiver snorted. “If you was carryin’ a deposed king’s brat during a hostile takeover, would you say anything?”

Sig tightened his jaw and said nothing.

Jak didn't know how long they were in the air train. He'd blocked everything out. The Wastelanders, Sig, even Daxter. He'd shut them out and retreated into the one corner of his mind where the darkness couldn't touch him. The place where he remembered the sound of the ocean, and warm waves against his ankles. He was free there, and they couldn't take the sea from him.

When they landed, he didn't even notice until a blinding light pierced the hold-

Along with the smell of salt air.

Jak raised his head slowly, squinting through hanks of hair into the light. His free place in his mind didn't have the smell of the sea. Why did he smell salt?

"Everybody out!" Kleiver bellowed, "You know I don't like monks, so let's get this over with, yeah?"

Sig wrapped an arm around Jak’s shoulders and pulled him to his feet. "Stay close, kids," he murmured, and Jak finally realized that now he had Daxter. "I...don't know what to tell you. But I'm gonna do whatever I can to keep you two safe, okay?"

They exited onto a spire of rock, high above what seemed like an endless stretch of desert on one side, and a turbulent sea on the other. A Precursor temple sat before them, surrounded by ruined columns and porticos. Three zoomer-like vehicles were parked near a tiny natural waterfall, which seemed to mean something to the Wastelanders.

"Welp. He's already here." The woman in the yellow turban sighed. "Fingers crossed this checks out, everybody."

She waved to Sig.

"Get him inside before noon, huh? I don't feel like losing a layer of skin to the sun, thanks."

It was nearly ten degrees colder inside the temple. Personally, Daxter thought the weird people dressed in rubber emanated half the chill themselves. One of them approached Sig, holding a small plastic cup. Their eyes flicked to Jak, and they held out the cup with a bored expression.

"Blood or saliva sample," they said flatly.

Jak balked. "What?"

Sig cringed. "They want to...to see if you're who Krew claimed you are. Just...spit in the cup, kid. Their computer will tell them if Krew was lying or not."

When it became clear that the monk wasn’t going to leave until they got what they were after, Jak begrudgingly spat into the cup. The monk exited the chamber without a word.

Jak spent the next three hours huddled in an alcove, behind a small Precursor statue. He clung to Daxter like a lifeline, glaring out at the monks and Wastelanders watching him and whispering amongst themselves. Any time one came close, Jak scooted further back into the cloister. None of them looked small enough to get around the statue at the mouth. They couldn't reach him here.

One man in particular wouldn't stop staring at them. He had a commanding presence, despite not being the tallest or broadest in the room. Scars decorated his face and arms, and sharp points of Precursor metal had been set into his skull. Which was admittedly kind of badass. He watched Jak with dark, piercing eyes and a hard set to his jaw. When a monk placidly paced forward and presented the man with a datapad, murmuring, "Positive match, sire," the man's eyes darkened further.

He turned on his heel and disappeared through a door.

"Sire?"

"I'm going to pray," the man snapped in a rough voice. "Leave me. And get the boy some water, for the gods' sake!"

Was that the man who had supposedly paid a ransom for him? Jak retreated into the very back of the cloister and buried his face in Daxter's fur.

"Rot this day. Rot this whole rotting week," he mumbled.

"You said it, pal." Dax wrapped his arms around Jak’s neck and tried to comfort him. "Hey, they made me spit in a cup too! You think their computer will tell them I'm an ottsel? Or a human?"

Jak blinked. "Uh....how smart are computers supposed to be?"

"Like. As smart as Vin, I think?"

Jak shrugged, grateful for the distraction. "Maybe. That'll freak ‘em out, huh?"

"Oh yeah. So what do you think is up with Spikes? Wrong answers only."

"Wrong only? Uh...he just found out he's part marmoset."

"Or his application for a piercing refund was rejected."

"Or," Sig interrupted flatly, "he just found out he had a kid he didn't know was alive, and he's dealing with a lot of guilt right now."

Sig crouched at the mouth of the cloister and looked in at them. He seemed to have aged years since that morning. He held out a hand and sighed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

"Come on out kiddo. We're gonna get you some food, some-"

He closed his eye and shook his head. "Volcan's bones. I...I didn't know- none of us did...gods, he must've snatched you the same year we lost Mar-"

"Mar?" Jak interrupted sharply, "What do you know about Mar?"

When Sig looked up again, Jak was shaken to see tears in his eye.

"I ain't talking about the founder of Haven, cherry. And I don't think you are, either."

He sniffed and cleared his throat. "Little thing. So...he's so- he was so small. Sweetest little kid you ever met, always getting into trouble."

He cleared his throat again and tapped his cybernetic eye. "Only takes a moment. You look away one minute. Not even one full minute. And that's all it takes for the world to end. Praxis sympathizers ambushed us. Shot out my eye and took- took Mar. We never saw him again. But...but I think you did."

Jak's stomach churned, and the world began to spin. Mar? The little boy he'd been so desperate to protect? This had to be some kind of trick, they were trying to trick him into giving up Mar's location so they could get to the Tomb. Daxter's claws dug into his arm, pulling him back to earth before the dark eco could take over.

"I have to go back-" Jak croaked, "You have to take me back- take me back! Take me back! I can't leave him alone!"

Sig shifted and looked up at someone just out of sight.

"I was right," he said heavily, "He knows something."

Next >

#snippet Monday #jak and daxter #dadmas #king damas #jak and daxter au #fic prompts #writing prompts #blackmail au #dad sig #jak and mar are separate people au #angst with a happy ending #jnd Kleiver #Damas did NOT plan this well. He panicked and went for 'whatever gets the kid out of Haven the fastest'#Jak has no idea that Krew has been holding him for ransom for weeks

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lookwhatyoudidithasanxiety · 1 year ago

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Oh dear lord Crumpet....that can't be good for your brain...

Well, as of right now, the daycare *is* being used so cleaning it won't do much. He is elsewhere right now, although I wouldn't call what happened his mess but I don't think I can do much to change your mind on it. You need him huh, well I do not where he is but I'd rather you not be near him or the child he is with at the moment.

What is it that you want from him?

Midnight: A kid? At four in the afternoon? *rolls his eyes* Better be fuckin' royalty...

It doesn't matter, it ain't your business. What's between me an' him is just that: between ME and HIM.

#imtiredanddepressed #asks #tsams lwyd au #lwyd bad moon #cursing #curse words #tw cursing

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roseofithaca · 5 months ago

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Lost Little Witch

A follow up to No Longer Her. Mary tries to take care of Silver after her ordeal but she might be too far gone.

T'were like manoeuvring a corpse as she led her darling girl up the stairs, her lithe form leaning heavily into Mary, barely moving anything except her feet with encouragement. Praise be there not be any guests for them to filter through, but the appearance of any builders in their bright orange jackets had Silver huddling closer to Mary in fright.

She stroked the young one's hair; "Only be Livings, swee'heart. They cannots see thee, 'member?"

No word of reply to confirm whether she did remember that, or much else besides. Mary looked down to see the girl's wide eyes darting about at the floors and walls in great confusion.

"Oh! Must all seem so strange to thine eyes, little'en." Mary reassured, "Been many changes since you was last 'ere. I shall explain in time. Let's just get you settled, ey."

At least the child's eyes did seem to still be working. Perhaps they simply needed adjusting to the light after so long being shrouded. The hallways were certainly much better lit than had been in the days of Heather and then Alison.

Mary reached to find Silver's hand and squeezed it tight, leading her through the door of Higham Suite.

"Good Lord! Silver!" Captain was the first to see.

Everyone else then turned, the whole crew present save for Robin, and Humphrey and Amy who had followed them down.

"Oh my! Hello, petal! You....You all right?" Asked Pat, probably realising as he asked that the girl was anything but.

Silver merely stared back at them all. Silent.

"Silvy! You're back!" Kitty darted forward; "Oh I've missed you so much! You poor dear, you must have been ever so lonely, not to mention bored! But I know plenty of new games for us to play! And so many fun dances and songs-!"

Before Kitty could get close enough to reach her hands out and try to hug Silver, the teenager flinched back and clapped her hands over her ears, emitting a frustrated sound from her throat without opening her mouth.

The Georgian stopped and shrank back, her hands poised together.

"Oh dear. Did I say something wrong? I didn't mean to..."

"It's all right, Kitty, love. It looks like she's just in shock." Pat tried to comfort her.

Mary kept her hands on Silver's shoulders. She seemed to be the only one who the girl would allow to be close to her.

"You be all right, darling girl. Just all a bit startlin' for you, ain't it. We'll take it slow, we wills." She reassured her, then looked to the pantsless Tory standing awkwardly by the window; "Julians, can yous turn the tap on in the bath that turns the water into that nice mist for us?"

"You mean...Oh. Well I suppose the steam room is out of use for now, we can make do."

He sidled past them and into the en suite, using his powers to turn the hot tap on.

Five minutes later, he walked back out.

"All ready for you, ladies. Enjoy." He said, dusting his hands off as if it were a great feat of strength; "Let it run as long as you like, it's unplugged and I can explain the water bill to Alison."

"Much 'preciated." Mary thanked him before guiding Silver into the bathroom; "Come along, little'en."

The girl was disturbingly compliant as Mary guided her to sit in the tub, herself kneeling beside her as the steam filled the room. They couldn't feel the warmth of the water, but the air in such a state always had a calming effect, as they'd all learned to appreciate since the spa below had been built.

Silver tugged her knees up to her chest and hugged them tight, eyes staring at the water running from the tap. She rarely blinked, though when she did Mary noticed they were big, long ones. Like a cat.

Mary gently rubbed her back, "D'you remember, in the years before Al'son arrived, when the days would be ever so long and boring, we'd amuse ourselves by playin' those little games of make believe? Where we'd pretend to be fancy folk on our ways at a rich party? Or on a quest in a magical kingdom of tiny peoples?"

The teenager turned her head to meet her eyes, just for a second, before lowering them again.

"Well, how's abouts we play that again? 'Cept this time, we can pretend you been on a wondrous trip to all the corners of the world." Mary moved to sit on the edge of the tub, her hands moving to massage Silver's scalp, as if she were rubbing shampoo into her hair; "You dids have to go through many tough times but now you is home. Safe n' sound. And it be time yous be looked after. Shall we do that, darling girl?"

Still no reply. All the child did was let out a big, sad sigh and rest her chin on the folds of her arms.

Mary's ached at how quiet she was, reminded of her own muteness after her death. It had taken nearly a hundred years before Annie came along to help her find her voice again. Not to say Robin and Head Bit hadn't been kind to her in all that time, but they hadn't been able to reach her as Annie had.

Sucking in her worry for now, Mary forced her most cheery voice, humming as she pretended she were just a mother helping bathe her tired daughter, weary from her travels.

"All sounds very excitin', my love. How brave you is, facin' down thems terrible beasts." She spoke, miming rinsing the shampoo off and then smoothing in that cream the modern women now use to rid themselves of tangles, her hands sliding gently through Silver's short hair; "I know yous must have missed us all, not 'alf as much as we missed you. Took the sunshine with you when you dids depart from us, wicked girl."

She tries to tease, as they always did before, but the words make Silver flinch and lower her gaze in shame.

Mary tuts and wraps her arms around her shoulders.

"But yous is back now. And you 'membered to bring all the sun and stars with ye. Good girl." She kissed her temple and just continued to rub her shoulders as she watched the spa people often do to the folk who sleep on tables.

It took a few minutes, but she was sure Silver begun to lean back into her hands, her trembling starting to decrease.

After the 'bath', Mary doesn't take her back into Higham Suite, instead choosing to escort her up to her mostly unused room. She guides her around some of the storage boxes to the unused bed, sitting her down and keeping hold of her hand.

She began to gently fill her in on all that had happened since the day she 'disappeared'. Alison and Mike being offered to sell everything to the hotel people, initially refusing, then Mia being born and how that had changed everything.

"They still visit oft'. And she were kind to leave us a room just for us. But Is still likes to come up here when I needs peace and quiet." Mary explained, one arm around Silver as the teen rested her head on her shoulder; "Don't get much disturbance, 'cept when two of the servants want to sneak off for 'orseplay. That ain't happened in many a year though."

She could see Silver's fingers constantly relaxing and then constricting tight in her lap, digging into the holes of her tights in a pattern.

"You don' 'ave to speak till you be ready, little'en, but...If there be anythin' you wanna tell us, then-."

A pair of boots came running down the hall. Silver tensed beside Mary as a figure passed through the wall.

Robin panted, having clearly run as fast as he could from however far away someone had found him to tell him the news. He stared at Silver in disbelief.

"....Moonah Girl?"

The Pagan blinked again, showing little reaction.

Robin stepped cautiously as he approached, kneeling down to below her eye level. He flared his nostrils, as if checking his nose to be sure it was really her, without invading her space.

"Be weary, Robin. She be bit out of sorts, aren't you, love?" Mary rubbed her shoulders.

The caveman was gentle as he reached his paw forward, his wrist limp as he touched her cheek. Silver's eyes darted to his hand, then her own moved up to stroke a finger along the cuff of grey fur.

Her lips moved without sound.

"Me looked for you. Me did." Robin said, earnestly, "Many, many months I hunt, all over, and every Moonah I visit..."

Silver didn't seem to be listening. The girl was more invested in rubbing the fur and then tugging it to her face to feel it against her cheek. Robin indulged her, watching her carefully, as if studying her reactions.

It was then that Mary noticed how her darling girl seemed to be more interested in what she could feel around her. The grips on the fabric of Mary's dress, smoothing her palm across the base of the bath as she'd sat amidst the steam, and now Robin's furs.

Of course....surrounded by nothing but pitch black dirt for all these years, touch must be as much a wonder to her as what her eyes and ears behold.

"Mayhaps it best you try to sleep, darling girl. Good rest will do thee the worlds o' good." Mary encouraged, brightly.

"Uhh." Robin caught her attention and then pointed to the window.

The full moon hung bright behind a veil of thin clouds.

Mary clicked her tongue; "Oh! Ain't I a daft wench. I dids forget." She shook her head; "Stills. Maybes we just have a lie down in quiets, till you is ready to go out? How's that sound?"

Silver turned to look at Mary, leaning against her hold still. Then she looked at Robin's paw and tugged on his sleeve. Another hum rose up from her throat. Pleading, this time.

"You wants Robin to stay with us?" Asked Mary.

More humming, the slightest nod. Yes.

"'Course, me stay. Always stay for Moonah Girl." He forced a smile and moved to sit on her other side.

Mary looked at him gratefully, burying the quick rush of anger that had unfairly sprung up when he'd walked through the door. How could he not have known where she was? All the time he's been trapped here, how has he never seen anyone get lost as she had, that the thought never had occurred to him?! She knew it wasn't fair. She'd been none the wiser than he had...but she needed someone to take the blame.

"Was just filling the little'en in on all that did occur in her absence." She said, softly.

"Ooh, yes. Lots of good stories to tell. Me got plenty."

The two managed to coax the girl to settle back against the pillows, Robin and Mary laying either side, close enough for her to feel them both in a protective sandwich.

As they talked, more to fill the silence but keeping their voices soft so as not to overwhelm her, Silver kept mostly fixated on touching Robin's furs, then his beard and hair, then Mary's dress or just interlacing their hands together.

There were questions Mary wanted to ask.

How did you get trapped? What did you do to try to escape? Be anyone else down there? Did thou give up attempting to find a way out or rather were thee trapped in an endless circle of darkness?

But none of them seemed to matter as she looked at the girl. She doubted she would, or rather could, answer any of them.

This is by the far one of the strangest dreams she's had by far.

Usually they're always the same. She returns to the light, familiar faces are there to welcome her, cheery smiles and open arms. The house never changes. The wallpaper is still peeling, the corners full of cobwebs, windows cracked or taped over. Always people she knows. Her friends. Her newfound family. No livings except the couple who inherited the house, one of them smiling at the sight of her return, the other oblivious as always.

This one started off as it always did. She stumbled out. The plague ghosts are not always the first to greet her but that would make sense so it's hardly a shocker. And then comes Mary. Mary with her arms wide open. Mary with soft words and promises of safety and comfort.

But this time something was off. There was a new face. A girl...holding Humphrey's head in her arms, like a stuffed toy. Why would this strange girl be in her dreams? Her brain has trouble holding onto what got left behind, why is it inventing new things?

Then there was the house. So bright. So clean. So full of Life. Too many Lives. Too much noise. Too much to avoid walking into.

Everything was much too solid. Too noisy. Too close.

Get back. Get back! GET BACK!

When things get too real, she wakes. She doesn't want to wake. Wants to make the dream last as long as possible. Most times she's forced to wake up as soon as a hand reaches to hold hers. So why was it that this one continued on with all the hugs Mary was giving her?

How come she can feel in this dream? Feel more than just...the dirt. The nothing.

Silver lays in the bed, staring up at the plastered ceiling. No outdated artex pattern. Even for a junk room, it had been decorated. Mary and Robin lay either side of her, having succumbed to sleep, despite their best efforts. Despite their promises to stay awake with her. Mary's arm is around her stomach, while Robin's hand is resting near her shoulder. The teen has to keep touching it, waiting for the moment it becomes too much, for the trigger that causes her to wake. To return.

Any second now. The longer it goes on, the more painful it is. Best to get it over with.

Stop teasing her. Stop prolonging the inevitable.

Something thumps beneath the bed.

Like the beating of a heart buried deep beneath the foundations of the house.

Calling her back.

Silver sits up. She takes a look at the faces of those either side of her. This had been nice, while it lasted, but everything has to end. With any luck, she would get to repeat this dream again.

She slips off the bed and pads her way through the door. No one is awake at this late hour, she's sure, not that it should matter as none of it is real anyway. But the best way to navigate through dreams, to control them in a lucid state, is often to play into the dreams rules.

As she passes by the door to Kitty's room, with the new plaque placed across reading Higham Suite - another curious new detail - she pauses. There are voices murmuring within. She presses her ear to the door.

"What did Robin say when you told him?" Fanny asked, curiously.

"Not a word. Great ape bolted off faster than he does when seeing a squirrel." Julian replied.

"Poor thing. Can't imagine what must be going through her head." Pat sighed.

Captain cleared his throat; "I agree. The look in her eyes, same one I remember seeing on the boys who came back from the Front. Like a walking corpse. Which, I suppose we all technically are, but...For many of them there was no coming back. They were like that until their twilight years. Empty shells of human beings."

"Might have been better off leaving her there if it's what she's adapted to, can be harder adjusting to the outside." Julian mused.

"Not everything is the bloody Shawshank Redemption, Julian!" Pat scalded him.

"I'm just saying! Hope Mary and Robin know they've got their work cut out of them if they're hoping the kid will ever be normal again. Or, well, whatever you could call what she was before."

Silver moved her head away. Funny. Their conversations sounded the most familiar out of everything. Despite the harshness of their judgements, it was almost as comforting as the softness of Robin's pelts or the warm caress of Mary's hands.

They were right, however. She knew they were right. She didn't belong here.

She walks down the stairs and into the kitchen, barely recognisable from the dank old space they'd often all gathered in to annoy Alison at breakfast. All clean and modernised for catering to the public. But quiet in the middle of the night. Moonlight shone through the high window at the back. Silver didn’t dare to approach its beams.

Instead, she hunkered down to the floor and pressed her ear against it. The beating rhythm pulsed against her. Demanding her return. Now.

"Soon." She whispers, her voice barely audible from years of disuse, "Will come home soon. Promise."

The beat turns into a thump. Furious. Enraged.

Silver's hand claps over her ear as she shudders, curling up into a ball. Her next whisper is slightly louder, as she's confident no one will have reason to be wandering the kitchens at this time of night.

"Don't be mad. Please. Just one more day. Only one. Please. J-just let me say goodbye...Then I won't leave again. I promise."

#emotional whump #silver guppy #silver ravenstar #ghosts oc #bbc ghosts fanfic #mary guppy #robin the caveman #angst

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pricklenettle · 6 months ago

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And I was talking with Cheryl the other day and she says that she knows exactly who did it. It was Pam. You know, from the bingo hall? Turns out, she was getting tired of wondering which one of them would kick the bucket first, and since Loretta had Pam in her will, Pam just decided to take the inheritance early.

Oh, but you just know they’ll never find her right? I mean, the old bat’s got everyone fooled. They think she’s just as sweet as cherry pie, but you saw just how she was when she lost that one game didn't ya. That woman's got one hell of a sour side, I just know it.

Anyway, it's been nice talking to you, Winnie. I better leave before I get too riled up. Wanna look nice and proper for my date. Real dainty. And I can't very well be dainty with these kinda thoughts on the mind now can I? I'll see you next week. Bye bye now.

The nerve of Pam! She knew Loretta was just waiting for her poor old poodle to be taken home to those golden gates before she did the deed, so to speak. There wasn't no call to rend the little quivering darling from her mistress like that. Loretta was such a good soul, it's such a shame to see her go before her time.

But I ain't surprised. You and me, we both know what Pam did last church supper. She's sweet as honey til she thinks you're taking away something she wants, then hold onto your curls when you see what a nasty piece of work she really is. I thought we'd never get those bread pudding stains out of the pews. And then the sanding afterwards? God lord in heaven, that woman needs to file her nails down.

But, Henrietta, Cheryl is no saint herself. I heard from Lennie down the street, you know, Lennie from the laundromat, that she's been going through her friend, that new lawyer chap that's moved in on Dapple street, and she knows every widow and bar maid from here to Greenville that's got a last will and testament worth talking about. I don't want to spread any rumors, but it seems awful dicey that Cheryl was cozying up with Pam at the bingo hall these past weeks. And now she's dilly dallying over a new car? And I know she didn't win no bingo, because I was the one to put that little bit of pocket change away. I heard she'd chosen that one with the pretty blue paint to match the dress she bought after poor Annetta had her little accident. But she was close to Annetta's sister and grief does strange things to you.

Good luck on your date, dear, but oh, you don't need it. You're already just the prettiest thing around. Just positively stylish. He ain't going to be able to take his eyes off you. I'm off to my hair appointment, these locks are ready for a primp and a curl. bye bye, darling. Oh, bye bye.

#XD #nettle speaks

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poisonedpowder · 4 months ago

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REPOST & LIST 6 SONGS THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE .

(I'll put it under readmore for the dash's sake)

Hurt Me Now by Bishop Briggs

"I miss the way we used to be Two branches of the same tree I could stay crushed by the walls of this room I could stay down, but you wouldn't want me to So give me that weight, strap it to my back Show me that mountain and I'll knock it flat 'Cause nothing's ever gonna be harder than The day I lost you Oh, I could go down in the hundredth round Sweat dripping, blood in my mouth But nothing can hurt me now Oh, they can try to bury me six feet down But since I lost you, I've found Ain't nothing can hurt me now I know I'm my worst enemy With all my doubt But you couldn't make me leave

Dear Departed by The Band Perry

Falling is a feeling that I never wanna feel again, feel again Haunted in a feeling that I never wanna feel again, feel again Dear departed, d-dear departed My friends, we've come to bury the dear departed meWith a death of youth comes a cold, hard truth Can someone comfort me? We've gathered here to remember the kid that I used to be We've got colorful hats with those rubber band straps And alcoholic drinks Wear some dark clothes, we're in mourning But we're gonna party until the morning comes A celebration, maybe a séance For all our innocence lost One time, I said goodbye to somebody Who taught me how to tie my shoes If it was not for him, I would not have been And my laces would still be loose Some precious things just slip away And some things you never find Still, you've got to dance with the things you lost And I've got to dance with mine

Shut it Off by Bishop Briggs

I cut my hair, I shave it off Break out late night, run neon signs My mind is broken by design I'm sick of saying, "I'm fine" Done smiling, done being soft I'm screaming straight from my chest I'm wicked, no need for rest Don't call me, don't waste your breath Big men who talk like little boys Say I'm too much Baby, fuck that noise (Shut it off) I'm the one talking now (Shut it off) I'm not backing down (Shut it off) Baby, can you hear me know? Then you shut your mouth Boom-boom, big shot kick rocks I don't wanna hear it anymore Boom-boom, click-click, guess what? I'm the one who's banging down the door I'm like lipstick on a gun So hard, so pretty, so cold So funny watching you run Run, run, baby, run, run

Crossfire by Rag'n'Bone Man

Dark clouds, dark clouds on every sky We run fast towards the light You said, you said that you could Hear people laughing just like a happy life All those years we spent alone There must be life after tragedy Shout out, shout out for someone to hear And there's nothing left but the memory What if this was not our fate and we still had the time And what if everybody stood with arm in arm to fight together Oh Lord, what if we could say that we made it, oh whoa Nothing here was broken and wasted, oh whoa We were all caught in the crossfire And everyone was stood in the way We're just waiting for a change

Mansion by NF Feat. Fleurie

Insidious is blind inception What's reality with all these questions? Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in) Broken legs but I chase perfection These walls are my blank expression My mind is a home I'm trapped in And it's lonely inside this mansion

I'm Stlil Here by John Rzeznik

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms And what do you think you'd ever say? I won't listen anyway You don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be And what do you think you'd understand? I'm a boy—no, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me 'cause I'm not here And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on and feel I belong And how can the world want me to change? They're the ones that stay the same They don't know me 'cause I'm not here

Bonus: Close by Zach B (Literally a fansong for Jinx; it's so good)

& 6 QUOTES THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE.

❝I keep remembering — I keep remembering. My heart has no pity on me.. ❞ ━━ Henri Barbusse, The Inferno

❝It amazes me what humans can do, even when streams are flowing down their faces and they stagger on, coughing and searching, and finding.❞ ━━ Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

❝ Better terrible truths than kind lies. ❞ ━━ Lora Mathis, If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It

❝ And that was what destroyed you in the end: the longing for something you could never have. ❞ ━━ Leigh Bardugo

❝ Almost. It’s a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Soon, maybe. ❞ ━━ Joan Bauer

❝ Believe it or not–it takes a lot of love to hate you like this. ❞ ━━ Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger

tagged by: @gettnup (thank you for tagging me, this was fun!)

#ii jinx ii boom goes the dynamite!#II Dash Games II I wanna try something fun right now!

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joyfullovecollective · 1 year ago

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Listen listen listen yall. Yall . Listen

I am a completely normal. Completely sane person all right? But listen. Kim Namjoon. Namjoon ah, my love, my life. My genius lyricist. Oh boy, do I feel a lot

LISTEN so like these lines here. Do you see them? Yeah. Ain't it perfect for a lovers to enemies? YALL see the angst is there, and I am a lover of fluffy endings and stories ...but there is great love here. You have to understand that for this kind of calm anger to exist there has to be great love somewhere in there. There was a love that existed without reason and it's now disillusioned. It reminds me of Hozier saying something about how great love and grief co-exist and they can't do without the other. (Dear lord I am connecting namjoon and Hozier how will I survive this) AND while hoziers expression of love is very sublime, Namjoon's is steeped in more realistic simpler expressions. And that's something that blows my mind you know? Because I love both of their work so so much and I am so grateful that I get to witness them existing and living and giving us great art. Anyway I digress, so Namjoon's love songs or heartbreak songs? I have a lot of thoughts about these. I always somehow end up putting Hozier and his lyrics side by side. And Namjoon's lyricism blows my fucking mind at the sheer simplicity of it, and I mean this in the highest sense, his mastery on language and linguistics just give him an edge on expression, the way he can floor you in minimal words but also has produced and written gorgeous metaphors that stretch beyond imagination, constantly challenging language and it's rules and just going beyond so many boundaries .And that's a talent i envy so much (as someone who writes occasionally ) and just the emotional delivery, the way he sings these lines about this feeling that has changed from great love to great disappointement? (Also going back to how love and hate sound just the same to me I AM SORRY) you can feel the rage in not just the words but how he says them. And really how calm yet raging is the line "You can't love someone like I do, that's all I can say to you" like he gagged yall. How true and prophetic "someday a great grief will do come for you and then, you'll know it" hes not summoning the great grief on you he just knows it will come. Like a cycle running. And that's .... something.

Like I would look at my past self and her arrogance of being above love and emotions too and tell her "don't you get it still?"

#namjoon #bts rm #rm #hozier #lyrics #change pt 2 #namjoon ah your lyrics haunt me everyday #i love you for that #kim namjoon #aaaahhhhh #i am okay #no i am not #but really i am fine #i just feel a lot #about kim namjoon #and hozier #and love #and my own stupidities

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flusteredmoonn · 1 year ago

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speak now tracklist

now playing; speak now tracklist... — in which flusteredmoonn details the inspiration for each of the songs within the speak now album.

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎"...your time is running out..."

mine, j.p. "you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" in which james has the courage to include his prestigious partner in one of the maraudic boy's pranks.

sparks fly, s.b. "kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain," in which she shows him around muggle london, and he is amazed.

back to december, r.l. "so good to me, so right," in which he unspeakably and irreversibly in love with her, but his need to secret keep hinders him more then he'd care to admit.

speak now, r.b. "and the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march," in which his parents see to it that their familial name is continued on.

dear john, r.l. "but i took your matches, before fire could catch me," in which she shows him that his differences from the typical side of society is not something to fear.

mean, j.p. "well, you can take me down, with just one single blow," in which he unknowingly disregards her feelings entirely at the prospect of finally getting another's attention.

the story of us, j.p. "and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now," in which he betrays her trust in order to raise his own agenda.

never grow up, s.b. r.b. "don't you ever grow up, just stay this little," in which he mourns his relationship with his brother, and then grieves his brother's death.

enchanted, s.b. "i'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home," in which the hard-headed gryffindor shocks everyone with his confession.

better than revenge, r.b. "now go stand in the corner and think about what you did," in which she is under the impression that he is just like his brother. she's mistaken.

innocent, r.l. "who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent," in which she shows him compassion when no one else will, after a particularly strong full moon.

haunted, r.b. "c'mon, c'mon, don't leave me like this," in which he doesn't have the heart to tell her of his imminent departure.

last kiss, j.p. "i never thought we'd have a last kiss," in which what was meant to be a ruse to fool the dark lord works all too well.

long live, r.l. "long live all the mountains we moved," in which they build walls around their relationship as the world caves in around them.

ours, j.p. "life makes love look hard," in which he proves to her that he aspires to live up to his parents relationship.

superman, r.b. "he has his mothers eyes, his fathers ambition," in which is proud of him that he is the one chosen, succumbing to his parents expectations.

from the vault

electric touch, s.b. "all i know, is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life," in which they take a significant risk in their relationship.

when emma falls in love, j.p. "when emma falls in love, i know that boy will never be the same," in which she lights up his whole world, and everyone can tell.

i can see you, j.p. "and we keep everything professional, but something changed," in which they meet at a meeting for the order.

castles crumbling, r.b. "once, i was the great hope for a dynasty," in which the truth of his brother's loyalties are revealed and now he is viewed as the sole heir. somewhat sequel to speak now

foolish one, r.l. "stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love, that ain't never gonna come," in which his friends are the last people he would entrust with the truth of his feelings toward a particular classmate.

timeless, r.l. "you still would've been mine, we would've been timeless," in which their paths in life were always destined to meet, regardless of circumstance.

"...and they said 'speak now'..."

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artflails · 5 years ago

Photo

I was tagged by @copyninken to draw my muse in my clothes and in my home. The perspective is really wonky because, as should be clear by now, I cannot draw backgrounds to save my life. I also dress like a colorblind child when I throw on jammies.

Ten extra brownie points for anyone who recognizes the art that I very terribly tried to recreate!

Tagging: @berry-doodles @moooooiste @thekatthatbarks @dimancheetoile and @kaiyaru to do this challenge!

#tobirama #fanart #art challenge #draw your muse #the blanket almost killed me #but thank god i only had to draw the edge of the one underneath #just realized i forgot the plug with my phone charger #but dear lord i ain't changing it now #i absolutely sleep in that position #corner to corner diagonal on the bed #it's a queen size #and i can still take up the whole mattress #my poor fiance

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undiscovered-horizon · 3 years ago

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Yandere!Matt Murdock Part 1

[Check out the 500 followers special!]

This concept has been on my mind for some time

You meet Matt through a complete accident and you don't think much about it, contrary to him

Who has his third eye open now

Maybe you're a friend of his client or just a girl he passes by

He hears your bright laugh, maybe a witty comment, smells the faint aroma that follows you

And he's about to believe black magic is real because there ain't no other way he could become so obsessed with someone

The sound of your heartbeat echoes inside his head at all times, sometimes temptingly intertwining with the memory of your beautiful laugh

Believes that you're a sign from God

That the good Lord above is seeking reconciliation

Starts going to church regularly again and father Lantom asks him what changed his mind

And Matt, oh dear irony, says that he has seen reason

Saves you from a very unreal and made-up danger

Dramatically reveals that the lawyer you barely remember ever seeing is the city's hero to successfully earn your admiration

Everything seems to be sorted out but just for good measure and of course your own safety, you should stay over that night

Matt barely sleeps that night, just lays awake listening to your breaths

Screaming at himself to just get up and wrap his body around you

Like the way it's meant to be !!!!!

He's clearly delusional, believing that since you agreed to stay at his place, you must trust him and have some sort of positive feelings toward him, right?

If you ask about his double life he will perform a very dramatic speech about how lonely he gets, how he toes the line between life and death at least once a week, how he just wants to make the world a better place, etc.

It may be pathetic to get your pity love but it's better than not having anything

When he tells you about how badly he gets injured or maybe you see a scar, you get (reasonably so) worried about that man

Because he's doing so much!! He's so selfless and kind-hearted! And no one even knows!!

The fact that you're worried about him gets Matt going. He tells himself that it's solid proof that you care about him, ergo must like him

Matt tries to instill paranoia in you (at least to some degree)

There is someone out to get you because you know him! Or because you know this or that person! And he, in his endless kindness and desire for justice, will protect you

"Only I can keep you safe"

And that paranoia makes you gradually lose contact with your friends and family because: 1) you don't know who's in on the scheme to hurt you 2) you don't want anyone else getting hurt

So with some patience and well-spun yarn, Matt has you all to himself

He may be a blind man doing backflips and dodging bullets but you still ask him if there's anything you can help him with

And, honestly, there really isn't but he always finds something

Or asks you first to do something for him

You can never turn down the blind hero of New York and Matt's heart is melting

Besides, it's another solid proof that you like him, right?

Karen and Foggy are getting suspicious but Matt being weird is nothing new so they kind of brush it off

Sometimes he would just sit on the rooftop of the building you live in and listen to you casually go about your day/night

He lives through that day/night with you in a way - his senses allow him to know exactly what you're doing and his imagination is placing Matt in the middle of those actions

So you've made dinner with Matt, showered with him or just spent a lazy Sunday afternoon together

You just don't know it yet

Definitely touched himself on that rooftop, thinking about you

Matt regularly considers straight-up kidnapping you, it's not like you have any chance against him

And it's not like your friends and family will catch on quickly, you don't talk to them anyway

But the downside is that you wouldn't be all lovey-dovey and compliant as he wants you to be

...unless he makes you believe it's for your own safety, that you have to stay with him 24/7 and not go anywhere

After some fairly long radio silence from you, your friends and family begin to wonder what on Earth is going on with you

They may reach out but you, keeping that paranoia Matt gave you, are very vague in your words should you decide to talk to them

In your naivety and trust towards him, you tell Matt about it, clearly worried that you've done the wrong thing

Offers to "check up on them" which in reality means that he will beat the shit out of them and threatened them that if they try to contact you again he will not be so diplomatic

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tsuki-sennin · 2 years ago

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Don Don Donbrothers! Don Don Rolling and going! Don Don Donbrothers! Don Don Don Don Don Don Don... Yeah!

Rampagin’ through the streets Everyone does their part No other, better chance Our party’s about to start! Going ape in the club with the hardest beats Clock strikes, it's time to dance... Follow My way!

Feeling your soul blaze, so wild and free! Swift wings strong as a howling breeze! I run out swinging, better watch yourself! Go all out for prizes on the top shelf!

Right now we Go! (Go!) Go! (Go!) Let’s show ‘em all our power range now, Avatar Change! Go! (Go!) Don’t matter when now, don't cry! Your heart’ll still be shining bright! Blast your sorrows far away! No way you can't say, "I am the Only One"!

Don Don Donbrothers! Don Don Rolling and going Don Don Donbrothers! Don Don Don Don Don Don Don... Yeah!

That, my dear readers, was an attempt at "localizing" Win Morisaki's "Ore Koso Only One" using the approximate translation of the TV length version of the theme put on the Ranger Wiki as a base. I spent a few days on it, and I understand it's hardly perfect (what with the creative liberties I took), but I felt it's only fitting that I go big for such a force of personality as Don Momotaro.

Episode 50, of Avataro Sentai Donbrothers. Can't believe it's finally ending. Our festival's about to as the clock strikes midnight on this town. I'm obviously gonna miss this series. But like... for how bittersweet this feels, I'm not sad at all. This is the best festival I've ever been to, and we've all made some truly unforgettable memories.

There ain't ever gonna be another series like Donbrothers, but I truly hope that it inspires some absolutely batshit insane stories to be told for years to come.

So, without further ado... Spoilers, I guess...

-Oh my God.

-Haruka was a self-insert for Toshiki Inoue all along!

-Haruka wins all the things. And you know what? She's more than earned it.

-WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS INOUE

-H-Hello, Inoue-sensei!

-He and Sonoza are so proud.

-Everyone's so happy for you :)

-Ohhh, Tarou...

-No opening today, just gotta jump right into it.

-Hatanaka-san...

-Oh no, Tarou's forgetting everything

-"...did you like me putting your life on the line constantly?"

-"...I mean, at first I didn't, but then I did, y'know?"

-Haruka's seen the best and worst of humanity thanks to these weirdos.

-"Man, nobody's gonna try to claim that but you."

-Goodbye?

-Ohhh...

-Shinichi, of course, absolutely doesn't regret it.

-A fun little learning experiment.

-As transient as the clouds.

-Ohhhhh shit.

-"The most beautiful woman in the world... is me!"

-Sonona~! Our final boss.

"GIMME THAT, NERD! You're welcome, scrub lord!"

-There he is! Murakami!

-Sonoya~!

-OH SHE CAN JUST

-STEAL POWERSETS, OKAY

-He can too, okay! That's terrifying!

-Flattened like a beer can.

-Ah, yep. Relationship drama.

-I don't blame her at all, tbh.

-"Shit, this ain't a good time."

-How delightfully anti-climactic.

-A bit of self-reflection would do ya some good, doggie.

-"I'll do it full time. So other people's relationships can flourish where mine didn't."

-Murasame-kun!

-Where ya goin' buddy?

-Momoi Jumpscare.

-Hello, Tsuyoshi.

-"Oh come now, it's okay! I'm a Donbrother, remember?"

-Tarou's so proud of his little losers.

-"Sonoshi-chan."

-W

-Wiggly, what the fuck

-Sonoshi's so fucking terrified, they're about to shit gold.

-MURASAME-KUN NO

-"Our boss!"

-RESET

-WHAT

-Oh okay, Papa Jin's just free now

-There's no need for a Momoi Tarou in the current age.

-"Not my boyfriend!"

-"It's tasty. You should try one, Dad."

-HE EVEN FORGOT HIS DAD AAAAAA

-Good work, Tarou.

-Sonoi on the street corner. What will he do?

-"So like... can you help me remember everything?"

-OHHHH

-That Murakami grin.

-"You seem kinda off, man."

"H-hey, Tarou!

-Oden :)

-"Kitou Haruka. She makes manga."

-Momoi-san...

-"He's a timid little birdie."

-"Good night, Tarou-san."

-Who...

-Sonoi aaa

-Oh no

-The Condor Signal!

-Holy shit, these guys are strong.

-"Well, if it isn't little Sonoi! Where'd your boyfriend go?"

-Ewwwww, don't lick those

-He's goin' on. Leavin' us all behind.

-The executioners.

-"Tarou's left me in charge! It's my chance to do him right!"

-"The author of this manuscript wanted you to read this. ...don't worry, my name is Kaito, I run this cafe."

-Tsuyoshi and Tsubasa! CGI in arms.

-YOOOO MURASAME

-"I hate you. I'm gonna be with my friends!"

-Holy shit, Haruka was thorough.

-His little sister, his boyfriend, his friends, and himself. Don Momotaro.

-God, brutal.

-HERE HE COMES

-Hahahahahahahaha~!

-Laugh, you gotta laugh! The festival is here!

-Up on your feet! It's time to shout it loud, shout it proud!

-Absolute integrity personified! Sonoi!

-A beautiful rose has its thorns... looking to know love, Sononi!

-When something catches my interest, nothing gets in my way! Sonoza!

-The jaws that've snapped awake! Don Murasame!

-Don Dragoku! And Don Torabolt!

-Farewell, transient world! Saru Brother!

-The manga master! Oni Sister!

-The fastest getaway of all time! Inu Brother!

-Faithful pheasant! Kiji Brother!

-Here it comes

-Born from the peach! Don Momotaro!

-Yo! Nippon Ichi!

-Avataro Sentai! Donbrothers!

-TIngly tingly!

-Literally the hypest shit of all time.

-Momotaro Slash!

-He's gone.

-He vanished as he lived. In a fiery explosion brought about by his grandstanding lunacy and obsession with the people he loves.

-Criminal Couple~!

-Oh fuck, Natsumi-san.

-Damn girl, you bounced the hell back!

-Motherfucker broke the fourth wall. to give his scarf away.

-My friends! Getting the Inoue Award! ...I suppose Murasame didn't feel quite like getting up on stage today. It's alright, he's his own man.

-Oh? Who might be at the door?

-Oh thanks Auntie Yuriko.

-The delivery man :)

-We made a bond :)

-The handoff :)

-My heart feels like it's shining today.

-...I suppose whoever Mother and Don Kaito really are is a bit irrelevant, but to be honest I think I've had more than my fill.

-Thank you, old man Inoue. You're an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham.

-Big shoutouts to literally every person on this cast and crew for going far harder than they ever had any right to. The action directors, the editors, the stuntmen and women, the cops,

-And of course, thank you for watching and following along with me.

-It was a weird path, one fraught with weirdos minor and major, insane bullshit left and right, things that just happen, extremely satisfying sound design, fights like you've never seen before, plenty of love and kindness spread about, and lots of screaming. It was all worth it.

-I expect big things from you, KuwagataOhger. A supposed "King of Evil".

#donbrothers spoilers #avataro sentai donbrothers #don! don! it's a full force peachy festival!#super sentai #donbrothers

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ibuki-loves-you · 4 years ago

Note

cutely sends the shrek script

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]Shrek: What a load of--[Toilet Door slams]Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪[Shouting]Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪[Belches]Villagers: Go! Go![Record Scrating]Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.Villager 3: No!Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya![Gasping]Villager 3: Right.[Roaring][Shouting][Roaring][Roaring Continues][Shouting Continues]Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.[Gasping]Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away![Gasps]Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!Captain of the Guards: Next!Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.Guard 4: Get up!Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.Guard 5: Come on![Thudding]Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!Old Lady: Oh, shut up!Donkey: Oh!Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!Captain of the Guards: Next.Pinocchio: Help me!Captain of the Guards: What have you got?Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.[Grunts]Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.Captain of the Guards: Well?Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI

#mod ibuki talks!

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