#but damn the vape aint cutting it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pochqmqri · 3 years ago

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dad, could you quit shaving in public? you’re not danny trejo. look, it’s not my fault a client needed to talk at 2am, alright? you were calling a website “fat” for three hours? i told you, his name is kim dotcom, aint my fault he’s out of his fucking mind. no, you sounded like jenny craig browsing the dairy queen forums. mmhm. by the way conan, are those new shoes? ah yeah, the doc got me a pair of jimmy kings. well you’re looking fab. fab five.

these were the shit twenty years ago. yeah well they’re shit now. thanks to my modifications they’re velcro but have false laces so no one thinks you’re worthless. cool, and you got my glasses? ah yes, your audio spyglasses. they even get sirius satellite radio. didn’t they merge? never said it worked.

hmmm. oohoohoohoo. trains are cool as hell! (oh my god, i love travelling around) i’m a big guy with big intentions! stop fucking around, this is post-9/11 america! save it for the black flag concert. i wanna smack a kid with their mad libs... uhhhh, hold on, i gotta do a line of crushed smarties. so then he tries telling me the jets are good, can you believe that shit? yeah and those bitchass bengals. huh, what? what are the fucking odds? tag along for some boring concert and the small boy bringers ride the same damn train. i’m gonna wreck their shit and get tom hanks big.

wasn’t though italian chinese food. ah shit, stairs. (o-o-only, only one can win, only will win) j dilla’s got his own diner now? whatever, i can’t see shit from here. *snores*terrorism’s a threat*snore* so i got to get info but keep a distance, when in doubt bug em out. just hope the transmitter cuts through gum. kid what the fuck are you doing? iii dropped my pen. you don’t write anything. no, my vape pen. man that diner sucked. yeah what kind of place don’t got sinatra or sriracha. hey kid you wanna get high off cough syrup? you can’t sell drugs to minors. it’s got a ten year time release, he’ll be legal when it kicks in. hoold up, they aren’t the trenchcoat guys.

you think you’ve found the answer, but then the answer turns out to be two guidos trying to sell an eight year old dxm. hm, hah! at least i can still eavesdrop. hm! man these motherfucking motherfuckers aint never heard of no new jersey, i tell you that shit much. i hope the jets fucking lose. yeah and the entire team [inaudible?] thank god i can smoke again, all our clients are such healthy dr. oz watching assholes. well they’ll have to get used to smoke and flames when that briefcase bomb we gave them detonates. uhuh! now i gotta deal with this shit. mom, the only vegetable i eat is corn with a k. 40 more minutes. hyah. WAIIIIIIT! (let me go, let me go [inaudible?]) conan, you’re acting like an infowars donator. chill out, what the fuck?

i got 40 minutes till this thing goes off, let’s ball. guys there’s a bomb on the train! obama’s on the train?! no, a bomb! oh good, i fucking hate obama, but i’m not racist or anything. i am.

really wish these kids would stop following me, but who the hell is their client. thank god i can smoke again. so whatever car they went back to has got to beeee, a non-smoking section. guys, which car’s the non-smoking one? iii think number six. how do you know it’s gonna be in a non-smoking car? how do you know your feet, you fat fucking [REDACTED] rock monster?

arizona iced tea... hhhhhhhhh. *humming to the tune of “two can win” by j dilla* i love being white. i gotta do four? fuck, they got to make better cigarettes. huh, he could be worth bombing. hey whatcha working on? i’m not working. then what are you doing on your computer? playing draft kings ironically! wow mister, you’re one hell of a fucking slouch! ugh! aren’t you a cute little boy, how old are you? that could fit a bomb. wow, that’s a sick view! just beautiful. is the diner here good? sorry, i wouldn’t know, i haven’t been there. it looked pretty fancy. fuck it’s locked. enough of your childish bullshit, i’m trying to play videogames! *humming to the tune of “two can win” by j dilla* hey what’s that? oh nothing, just a tune stuck in my head. well it sounds cool, see you later. hey old timer i gotta talk to you about something. hey, just wondering if you’ve been to the diner car yet? oh, i don’t know, just on the way to my funeral. god, this car’s full of deadbeats.

shit, i got ten minutes. i got to look again. hold on, stop moving cause like four people have yelled at me about you? if society was really that worried about pedophilia they wouldn’t make being a kid suck so much dick. hm, ah! i got a fake rolex, and there’s only seven more minutes. all i can do now is rush everyone off in time. but who’s gonna listen to some little pocket protecting fuck in a bowtie? do i really got to break it like this? rachel we gotta talk. oh, look at you with your little serious voice. no listen, this is important. more important than behaving yourself? cut the shit. conan, what the- it’s jimmy, bitch. huh.

so for two months, you were just here? you glazed over that bomb thing pretty quick. sorry kid, it’s just a lot to take in. and cool that kid shit, cause in case you didn’t realize, i’m the reason your dad can fund your forever twenty none sprees, ok? fine, so what do we do? get as many people off the train as possible. are you guys excited for krispy kreme too? aw yeah i love the double k! they’re so cool and they make the best donuts. they even got a raffle, so you can win two! wait. donuts. you can win two. can win two. can win two. why is that familiar? can win two. can win two. two win can. can two win. two can wi-two can win! what is that? that’s uh, that’s a song, on the c side of j dilla’s donuts. and the lady on the train, she was humming... ah, that lying whor- one, one, one, one. huh, one last chance. hiriyah! uh...posted 9/11 america... hwah..where did you come from? a-a-u.

let's go over this one more time. time? we ran out of it a while ago. inspector if you cant find the murderer, i suggest wrapping this up. (yeah) my guests and i grow tired of your department's incompetence. shut your monopoly ass up. this is a homicide and we're not mall cops, alright? (the hell?) and right now you're acting like one suspicious milk mustache bitch. who's this asshole? your worst FUCKIN nightmare. you'll have to excuse jimmy here he's a rookie detective from AAU. second team, all state. the killer broke in the room by jumping from the balcony of a neighboring window. self explanatory from there. (oh god no!) c'mon that'sa 20 foot gap. no one could make that! if you 50/50 and boneless off the rail, you can. (dammit.) well you got the 'how', but who did it? goin by the alibis, only one person here coulda done it. yeah, and? ...sitting right there. uhhh i'm in a wheelchair, kid. you might wanna check your math on that one. yeah check your geography. ah shit! you're not crippled!? jesus christ! A-A-R-I-P. alright let's get outta here before SNL starts. fuck you whores! yo hold up! you have the right to remain silent. anything you- jimmy you can't read miranda rights to a corpse. ya did great, kid. now just work on that ego. what good's bein the one if you're the only one who knows it? (you got that from j. cole.) (i wanna waterboard my dad.) (ayyyy 103.4, the whitest hip hop on air.) oh, god. hey man, it's 2 pm, could you keep it down? oh sorry, jimmy, i was just making pipe bombs out of 4loko and nail polish. sick. (and i'm sick and tired of your bitchass boyfriend, too!) (dad, just chill the fuck out.) god damn dammit! gahhhh! he's the first world famous sleuth out of high school. ehhh he's a fuckin hack. what, just cuz he's young? you know who else came out of high school? lebron james. guess what happened to him. ummmmm, well- GUESS!!! what happened to lebron james, dad? lost the FUCKIN NBA finals! alright. RAGHHHHHH! i still don't get why you quit the soccer team. cuz soccer's bullshit. i dunno, you were pretty good. (i like classical music.) yeah but it's like sherlock holmes always said: any sport where you can't use your hands is conservative propaganda. ...yeah. you might not realize it but sherlock was on some next level shit. y-yknow, here's a dude who played violin AND made the double snapback fashionable. that downey jr movie kinda sucked? yeah maybe but sherlock didn't get this fanmail. how many of those girls are 18? oh.... (fuck, my tic-tacs). why did we come here again? it's fun. this place is for babies. so by 1989 sherlock was number ONE in the country, the youngest in the history- jimmy i really don't give a shit. oh did i mention roller coasters are stupid? let's ride this joint. how the hell d'you get decapitated on a roller coaster. we didn't do nothin, let us go. walking around a theme park in a trench coat makes you suspect for anything. like, i bit my tongue five minutes ago and i think you did it. (he's lookin for trouble.) okay, so 5 passengers but only 3 of em had the reach to do it. what do ya think, jimmy? i already got it figured out. oh, yeah? well then, who? the killer is... that chick! ehh...... she was further away than anyone, what the FUCK are you talkin about!? lemme show you. it's true. if i couldn't have him, nobody can, so i KILLED him! a-actually, i was just joking, but, y'know, way to confess without a lawyer. (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!) hey i know we're in babyland but you don't have to act like one too. someone just DIED, jimmy. jeez, all your video games made you a sociopath. huh? hm... hey i know you're in need but i gotta jump a bitch, see ya! what the hell, ma? (jimmy... those are nice MN3s.) hey there man, you got the stuff? yeah, i got the stuff. you wanna see it? lay it on me, large man. alright here it is: ten million unmarked dave and buster's bucks. yeah. alright now your end of the deal. the fuck are you doin? huh? ngh! eric, what the hell! sorry dylan i didn't know he was followin me! don't worry about it i got the black market's newest poison.

one cap of this and he's gone for good. get your heavy head over here. yeahhhh drink that kool-aid jammer. aight lets get the fuck outta here. ey ya heard that? yeah it sounded like a coupla trench coats. (ugh... oh my god...) ah nah its just some boy. ('boy', am i in fuckin georgia?) dont worry boy we'll take ya home. (i'm white but this still feels racist.) eyyyyyyy what's goin on? jesus christ what'd you DO all night? Not Another Teen Movie marathon. wh- they only made one of those! yeah, i watched it 3 times. y'know if molly ringwald died in the 80s she'd be like meryl streep right now. that almo... no that didn't make any sense. (what were those cops calling me again?) huh? what!? (oh, that's great.) shit! why- what the... oh, wait... (those trench coat guys... that poison they had...) i really gotta get home. (ey you've reached the jim jam jimmy man always detective signed to young money ymca represent) oh, no. it's been 5 years and he still hasn't changed his answering machine. told you your boyfriend was a fuckin mathlete moron. hngggggh ngh huh? ah shit! doc, what's going on? who are you? what are you talking about? it's me, jimmy. yeah very funny, run along. no, i'm not fuckin around! you're dr randy agasa. 53 years old. you make bullshit experiments and collect checks from the government. wha- why would jimmy tell you a thing like that!? I'M jimmy, you fat, four-eyed, fuck-faced loser! eh- only jimmy makes me feel THAT insecure. but yeah that's one helluva trip, man. yeah why do you have clothes for 6 year olds lying around? jimmy just do me a favor and NEVER ASK THAT AGAIN. (anyone home?) huh? quick, hide! hey, what are you doing here. oh you know, just fuckin around with my desk. grrrr.... huh? you tryin to hide something? uh... hey there, what's your name? co... nan.... yeah conan. conan? kid, your parents suck. they do! social services dumped him off on me as his only living relative. well that's rough. you can stay with us if you want. would you like that, conan? uh, no? (this is bullshit.) so like, what do you do for fun? uhhhh nothing much. do you have a girlfriend? do you have a restraining order? what's this? your new home. oh, cool. (smells like cup noodles with bleach.) rachel you'll never believe what happened- fuckin shit! new job, new client. hop yourself in the cab, bring the kid too! wow, alright. taxi!!! mm! wait up! so we hopped in the cab to check out some case with a rich guy's daughter kidnapped and jesus christ, money makes people CRAZY. some shit went down and uh, long story short, i live with my girlfriend and her dad rent free.

and it's a pretty sweet deal.

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