#but damn if i don't love lists and stickers and making lists of sticker people

[stickersgeorg]

HI I HAVE SO MANY

Here's my list so far of artists whose stickers I've bought from Etsy, Redbubble, their own sites/shops, etc (also a lot of these have pokemon themed stickers because I love pokemon)

More detailed lists

Artists on tumblr:

tumblr url - themes - website/store/where to get their stickers

@pikaole - cute animals, lots of marine animals - Patreon / Redbubble

@theshitpostcalligrapher - meme-y(?) and Canada/hockey - Etsy

@chick-it-out - chickens - Etsy

@spicymochi - cute animals, soft - Etsy

@daftpatience - animals, pokemon, gacha for other fandoms, OC - Bigcartel

@mamath - mythical creatures, pokemon, dragons - shop / Etsy

@afternoonfika - soft, cute animals - Shop

@wanderingmaskdragons - dragons, literally so many kinds of dragons!! - Redbubble

@cosmopoliturtle - pokemon redesigned, OC, fantasy - Redbubble

@shinonart - space/galaxy/cosmic, animals, pokemon - Etsy

@ariamisus - pokemon (lotad!! wooper family!! and more!!), chibi - Etsy

@zuccnini - pokemon, OC - Etsy

@fubinicrafts - bunnies - Etsy

@nyatche - cute!! animals, various fandoms (pokemon, animal crossing, anime, sanrio) - Etsy

@mahoukarp-official - sharks, chibi, pokemon - Shop

@lompyart - pokemon - Shop / Ko-Fi

@alcorchannel - pokemon - Bigcartel

@magentasnail - autism/adhd/anxiety creatures - Redbubble

@requinoesis - sharks, fantasy - Redbubble

Etsy (may have their own sites/shops but I found them on Etsy first)

KyariKreations - cute, animals, pokemon

TeamRocketWolf - pokemon, gaming

NickleyArt - cats

porterillustration - pokemon (quagsire!!)

fleacircusetsy - Poe the Pigeon (shop's mascot), animals, miscellaneous

PorofulDesigns - pokemon, cute, miscellaneous

TheSamSamShop - pokemon

RachelBardArt - the tiniest most scrunkly cats you've ever seen, animals

Shopkitschykawaii - miscellaneous cute things and animals

CommanderMittensCo - pokemon, final fantasy

HowlinWolfArt - various fandoms (final fantasy, MLP, Bluey, more), animals (my faves are SHORKS and sea animals as bread 🥺)

CookieDoves - SO many birds

HeathyDraws - pokemon, miscellaneous

Cremechii - cute, soft

BeneShopArt - meme-y, some pokemon

MarshmallowCafe - doodle pokemon

thousandskies - animals, I really like the colors they use in their art

mochamochicake - chibi and soft, various fandoms, lots of cute OC

emberdoodles - cats, Kpop

SugarDriftArt - animals, various fandoms (transformers, miku, full metal alchemist, more)

kamiaristudio - fantasy woodland animals

SketchMoose - assorted, planner-style stickers

HousecatArts - animals (my favorites are the yarn cats)

GellyRoise - pastel, pokemon, animals/food (like little animals with boba tea)

JunesGraphix - miscellaneous (I liked the Magikarp sticker they had)

sillyfriends - pokemon, food, miscellaneous

unicorneclipse - sparkly, journal-y aesthetic, I REALLY like the colors and all the kinds of stationery they have

MonaMauve - memes, like all the meme cats

teletelo - pokemon

starsalts - pokemon, everything is so VIBRANT and colorful, very busy designs

artbymandymeow - miscellaneous animals

smudgeandfrank - animals as foods (sea pancakes!!!)

TheKimchiBunny - animals with foods, planner style

paoriina - whimsical, glimmery, fantasy creatures

Redbubble

littlemandyart - chibis of so many animals

Digisprite - they're the company that made one of my favorite board games (Adventure Mart) and I think the art from it is cute in its own right, like little dnd/adventure-fantasy animals

KiraKiraDoodles - like an Adventure Time kind of style where things got the little dot eyes and that kind of cartoon look?

Other! (Artists I followed on other sites than tumblr and I don't think they have Etsy/Redbubble but rather shops of their own)

BirdieTamArt - animals! - shop

Stickii - this one isn't a single artist, it's a company, BUT they collab(?) with a bunch of different artists for monthly themes/bundles, so if you find a sticker or sheet that you like, you can look up that artist and usually find they have their own shops with more stuff - link

I've been so giddy, that ive been stopping in between making pieces lately. just giggling and kicking my feet excitedly (just bought myself a new Samsung tablet for casual drawing and it should be in by next monday o v o ) ive been saving up for it for a while and i've heard very good things about it, and it'll be a step up to one that i already have.

[sardonic-the-writer]

—tangy

SUMMARY | this was supposed to be a simple, relaxing mission. all of that had been thrown out the train window as soon as you saw idiot one and idiot two

PAIRING | tangerine x reader

REQUESTED | no

WARNINGS | spoilers for bullet train, hit men, mentions of murder, guns, ect

WORD COUNT | 1.7k+

AUTHORS NOTE | fell in love with tangerine while watching bullet train. what more is there to it

🍊 MASTERLIST 🍊 NAVIGATION 🍊 RULES 🍊

Confined spaces certainly makes the job easier for you.

You were able to observe everyone simultaneously. Being everywhere all at once. Sitting idily in a corner inconspicuously, sipping on a drink while pretending to read a newspaper. All the while watching as people fidgit with their fingers and mingle amongst nearby passengers. Keeping tabs on who leaves and who enters and how many times they do it.

In fact that's all you had been planning on doing for the next twenty four hours. Enjoying the ambiance of the lovely modern train as you waited for your mark. Probably opting on getting up to lure the target into a bathroom stall, slitting their throat once the lock had been clicked. An easy job by definition, especially for you. Practically a vacation handed to you on a silver platter.

That's why you almost choked on your fizzy drink when they walked in.

You'd never forgot a face. Not once. That's part of the reason you made for such a good hit man. Show you someone's high school picture once, and you'd be able to pick them out in a crowd forty years after it had been taken. And when I say pick them out, I mean with a gun. Preferably from a rooftop. Probably from a rooftop.

So you recognized the leather jacket and blue suit almost immediately. After all how could you forget. Your annoyance for them had been all but solidified in concrete the moment the loud one had shot your leg in Russia, his twin just watching. That cast was a bitch to lug around for half a year, and everytime it thumped against the staricase in your house you cursed the both of them.

Suppressing a groan, your eyes cautiously watched from behind the pages of a comically large larg magazine as Lemon and Tangerine walked down the isle of the train compartment together, facing each other while bickering quite loudly. Or at least doing what you assumed was to be bickering. Knowing them, they probably just used that many curse words in a casual conversation anyway.

"I've told you a thousan' times, bruv." You listed to Lemon slur his words with that thick accent of his, practically spitting fire at his twin. "It's Thomas The Tank Engine. Not Thomas the Train. Get that in ya thick skull."

"Oh well, ex-fucking-scuze me. I didn' know I'd be gettin schooled on a fuckin kids show today, twat." Tangerines eyeroll was all but audible in response. He ignored as fellow passengers swapped offended looks with each other at their language. You'd imagine he'd be flipping them off if he wasn't so busy basically biting his brothers head off.

They were nearly past your booth now and out of the train car, your fingers tightening around the reading material in front of you in anticipation. For a moment you thanked whoever had given the both of them such long legs and speedy strides, happy as long as they were out of sight. Didn't matter that they would still be on the train. As long as they didn't see you, all was well.

So of course they would choose that moment to stop right in front of your fucking seat. The urge to stand up and kick them both in their asses was only increasing. Not that it wasn't already high up there in the first place.

"I don't give a bloody damn when ya smart ass people half the time you bastard. Here me complanin? Nope." Lemon popped the p at the last word, pointing a finger at his companions chest. "But no one, and I mean no one ya cheeky fuck, bad mouths Thomas in front of me."

"Right. And what you gonna do about it, fruit boy. Stick a diesel sticker on me when I ain't lookin?"

"I just might. An don't call me fruit boy. You're the one who came up with those names in the first place 'member?"

Your muscled tensed up in preparation when Tangerine suddenly whipped around to you, dragging Lemons attention along with him. The cool metal of your gun brushed against your fingertips as you slowly reached under the trains table for where it was hidden. Maybe this time you'd have an excuse to shoot them in the legs. Send them a hallmark card in the hospital afterwards. Something cheep and tacky. You were petty like that.

"Hey, mate, mind reminding my buddy here tha' grown ass adults don't watch the cartoon channel and he's due for a visit to the loony bin?"

You just glared at him and his stupid fucking 90's porn stache, frown deepening as you watched recognization well up in his eyes.

"Hang on." Your hand twitched with the urge to rip his tounge out of his mouth as it ran across his bottom lip. "I know you—"

"Oh for fucks sake."

You hopped up, abandoning your cozy little corner in turn for dragging him by the lapel of his now wrinkled suit into the connecting cabin of the train cars. You imagined that if they hadn't been so surprised by an innocent looking samaritan dragging their asses along, you would be sporting two new holes in the side of your head.

"One job! I had one job and the two of you had to muck it all up!" Words hissed out of your mouth like steam from a gas can as you dropped your grip on Tangerine and turned away from him, revealing your own gun nonchalantly. They were both quick to draw their own, stances stiff and confused in contrast to your loose but annoyed one.

"Ay I recognize you now." Lemon looked over at Tangerine, gesturing his gun to you loosely. "Russia. A broken leg. James the train, 'member?"

"Would you stop it with the Thomas the train shit for one fffuckin moment?" He hissed back. "Yeah I remember 'em. But that dosent explain what the hell their doin on this train now does it?"

"Nothing that concerns you." You saved them the trouble of yet another fighting match. "And wait, James the train?"

"Yeah." Lemons eyes brightened slightly while looking at you. As if happy someone was asking him about his interest in the train show without attempting to shit on it. "A James. Impatient but gets shit done. Kinda determined too."

You blinked.

"Okay now I like him." You turned your gun over to Tangerine completely now, the man's eyes widening as he sputtered slightly.

"What?!"

You shrugged with an unbothered and downward turn of your lips. "He complimented me. Plus he wasn't the one who shot me in the leg."

"Come-fucken-on that was not a fucken compliment!!"

"I dunno bruv." Lemon shrugged, mirroring your earlier action. "It kinda was."

"Yeah, alright I definitely like you now."

"Oh come off it you bitch! Help me out here or I'll fuckin kill you before they shoot me!" Tangerine spat. You listened as Lemon snickered.

"Hey. I'm good at readin people wha' can I say. And they certainly aren't lookin to shoot any of us right now. That's not a very Jamss thing of them ta do." You sent Lemon a kind thank you—to which he returned it with a your welcome. Tangerine was left alone to seethe in anger.

"Stop that before you blow a gasket." You made a face, referring to the way Tangerines jaw clenched as if he were attempting to chew glass. "Your brother here, Lemon, is right. I don't really feel like carrying your lifeless body across this train right now. I just want to get my damn job done and then go see a cherry tree grove or something."

He grumbled whilst Lemon preened at your recognization of his correct assumption.

"Besides. I'd hate to shoot you in the face and ruin your best asset. Would really ruin my day more than it already has been." A loose sigh made it past your lips. "Fucking up shit is more your style anyways."

You could tell Tangerine was struggling with being of the receiving end of such a blatant compliment and insult on the same time—practically picking through his brain for a measurable response. Either way he was about to run his mouth, and you'd wasted enough time on the job already.

"If I see either of you pass by through my train car again, it better just be that: passing through. Anything else and I am not afraid to end up leaving a few people with ringing ears. Capishe?" The gun in your hands was nodded at strictly, the not so hidden threat being left out in the open for all to interpret.

"Loud and clear mate." Lemon grinned.

"Good. Now scram."

"Hold on love—"

"Call me love again, and I rip that mustache off and shove it straight up that ass of yours. Now ta-ra, or whatever pricks like you say." You were already leaving, so sadly you didn't get to see the look on Tangerines face as you walked off, really just wanting to finish that drink you'd left behind now. Although you wouldn't complain if you were to find something a bit stronger than soda. Especially after that.

The twins waited until you were out of the connecting room before either of them went to speak.

"You know." Lemon clamped a hand down on Tangerines arm with a toothy grin. "If I didn' know any better bruv, I would say tha' you have a thing for them. Not everyday you get a compliment on your ugly mug."

"Must have hit your head boarding. And get ya fucken greasy bitch ass hand off me." He snarled, swatting his brothers hand off his shoulder. "They just threatened to kill me for fucks sake. And I them!"

"I dunno. They seemed like they're a little partial to oranges themself."

"It's tangerines idiot! Tangerines!"

"Whatever. Don't get your knickers in a twist."

[incandescentflower]

9 People You'd Like To Know More

Tagged by @twig-tea ! thanks for the tag in this and the other one. I think this is more the speed my brain can handle. :)

Last song: I'm watching/listening to as much of gawin's music as possible lately and this cover with aye is really fun

Currently watching:

Jun and Jun - I do like choi jun the most of all of the many possible suitors but I don't think I can deal with "everyone loves lee jun" for too long and also, there is very dumb miscommunication happening right now, but I'm still enjoying it

My Personal Weatherman - just picked this up. I find it really interesting. japan going all in as it likes to do sometimes.

Only Friends - what is there to say except I'm buckled in for the madness

Word of Honor (rewatch) - writing some long lost fic and really enjoying another watch. this will always be one of my favorites <3

Pachinko - a watch with a friend that is taking it's time, but it's so interesting to see lee minho playing a complicated, not heroic character. also, the western and korean styles combined is engaging.

Bloodhounds - I've stalled on this one, but not because it wasn't good, but it's heavy about inequality and I needed more brain space. but woo dohwan is so good in it as usual.

What We Do in the Shadows - It's just hilarious and I'm making my way through the newest season

Bad Buddy (rewatch) - will this rewatch ever stop? probably not. I finish it and then jump to a different episode. I keep writing fic so I keep watching so I keep writing so I keep watching and so on and so forth

About to start:

oh who knows. I have an epic to-watch list and pick up whatever strikes my mood or by what I see other people yelling about. I have a mydramalist and my plan to watch list has over 80 things on it. damn.

Just finished:

Sing My Crush - I inhaled this whole thing. I liked everything about baram and hantae's relationship. I think they're fic worthy so that's saying a lot.

Tokyo in April Is ... - I liked it although it kinda lost something for me in the end

Be My Favorite - still in brain takeover mode. I'm probably going to be thinking about this one for a while. I want to write fic for it badly and am hoping I might get to soon.

Good Omens season 2 - So good, gimme the third season now.

Red, White and Royal Blue - I had read the book a while ago. I thought it was a decent adaptation, but I've seen varied feelings.

Currently reading: Scum Villain's Self Saving System by MXTX and you know, various fic as you do. I couldn't possibly read more than one book at once. I do not have the brain capacity.

Current obsession: uh...gawin caskey (look, he liked one of my tweets and I'm still not over it) no but seriously, be my favorite (see above). I am using a rewatch as a reward for getting some other writing projects done and then I'm really hoping I can dig into it again

I am trying to remember who likes to do tag games. I've been bad at keeping up with them lately but how about @galauvant @stickers-on-a-laptop @funyasm @dimplesandfierceeyes @lurkingteapot @dancing-out-in-space @dontbesoevil @yougetsomekisses @mineonmain but obviously only if you want to do it!

[lonita]

B roll - 2020 08 19

19 - Suddenly, all those jokes people used to make about how the only thing kids share willingly is germs, aren't so funny any more.

19 - A friend has a sticker on his car that says "My other car is a doombuggy." I wonder what I'd have on my car if I actually had a car to have an alternate car to.

19 - When I was about eight my uncle tried to teach me how to swim. He was holding me up in the Atlantic Ocean and one of his kids grabbed his shorts and yanked them. By reflex he dropped me and I got a mouthful of the Atlantic. I can assure you that the Atlantic tastes like shit.

19 - Things that make doing transcription from home not so simple: That there's a bus stop under my living room window.

19 - Sometimes my biggest melancholy regret is never being able to play baseball.

19 - I'd love to have a body made of sandwiches, but keto bread is $12 a loaf.

19 - Haven't looked at my bucket list in ages. Currently:

sing Queen of Hearts with Dave Edmunds

visit Uluru and Death Valley

climb Kilimanjaro

stand with my feet in the Atlantic Ocean again

actually finish "Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid" one of these years

19 - If you are going to insult transcriptionists, or make cracks about it all being done by bots, do us the kindness of not doing it while you're recording so we don't have to hate you for being a dick about the work we are now forced to do for you.

19 - I miss urban exploration.

19 - I am starting to get a nasty headache from the fumes off whatever it is they're painting the back stairwell of my building with. Thankfully the work is done tomorrow and they've got fans going, so it'll hopefully piss off soon.

19 - I wonder how we got into the habit of saying "eyeball" instead of just eye.

19 - Last night I went grocery shopping because I was bored. I suppose that's as good a reason as any to do it. I got myself a basket with about 18 Niagara peaches in it. I don't give them good odds on lasting out the week.

19 - I do not believe in wasting ground on dead bodies. In order of preference from least to most: cremation and scattering, organic burial, Body Worlds donation, scientific study, and this, body farm donation. Sadly, however, these do not exist in Canada.

19 - I finally got around to watching that Cardi B "WAP" video because I wanted to know why all the conservatives were crying. That's four minutes of my life I'll never get back. And now I can't get the damned thing out of my head.,

19 - I really long for a keto-focused meal delivery service that wasn't priced out of my reach, or that grocery stores carried more keto-friendly prepared meal options, or even one of those sends-you-the-ingredients-and-you-cook-it-yourself services of which there are so many.

[pinkvelve]

some tag i found..wee woo wee woo we

2. Age: 20 😊

3. City that you live in: right in thid moment fc co

4. What do most people not know about you?: i think russia is the coolest country ever

5. What do most people know you for?: being insane

6. Hobbies: listeing to music from seven years ago...reading...reading something different...writing

7. What are your passions?: psychoanalyzing people

8. What do you search for in a significant other?: also being insane

7. What are you most proud of?: having new jeans in my top five literally every week

8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?: save me just came on

9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?: maybe stickers i guess. or notebooks

10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.: TEN?

northern lights

live in spain

ride a train

go to japan...omfg so bad..

read all of jjk

paint somethinga ctualy good

russia

GO to bts concert..

make this dumb clock i keep putting off

go austria/swiss

11. What was the last thing you learned?: dude idk actually my dad was telling me about the grand canyon earlier and he said if the damns were let back out the water would be so poisonous it would kill all the natural environment of the canyon. so

12. How many relationships have you been in?: girl you mean SITUATIONship

14. Turn offs: constant validation

15. Favorite food: onigiri

16. Favorite drink: chai

18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?: i'm bipolar

19. Do you sleep during class?: actually no...i don't know how that's possible. now listening to music is a different question

20. What is the most expensive thing you own?: probably my computer i guess

21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?: a pencil? or tissues..

22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?: ELRIS? HERE I AM

23. Text or call?: do NOT call my phone

24. Opinion on long distance?: np for me

25. What is your definition of success?: not wnting to d!e

26. Favorite song?: OHHHright now...uhhh...tumblr girls or champagne coast

27. Favorite artist?: new jeans geazy childish gambino

28. Celebrity crush/crushes? male: kim taehyung female: karina

29. When was the last time you read for fun?: literally fifteen minutes ago

30. Favorite flower?: in bloom by zb1

31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?: not something i'm writing on this.

32. Any guilty pleasures?: snapchat

33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?: i wish i would listen to more music instead of the same EFFINg songs

34. What do you search for in a friend?: not being fake

35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?: i love you by 2ne1 comes in my mind for no reason

36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?: costco...........

37. Why do bad things happen to good people?: because people ARENT GOOD AND BAD.

38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?: left out omfg. what do yall know about that

39. How many green shirts do you own?: DUDE SO MANY

40. Do you like anime?: i cannot tell you how many sukuna edits i liked earlier

41. What do you invest the most time in?: reading dumb things writing stupidthing s

42. What was the name of the last book you read?: YALL DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS...omfg... eternity enshrined by apartment

43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?: for me its like if they haunt you. then you are in love 😊

44. Where are you most productive?: the library

47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?: sorry i skipped some

48. Do you have any allergies?: sometimes my body just shuts down wjen i eat things

51. What was your last dream about?: i genuinely have not remembered any of my dreams for like two months

53. How many countries have you visited?: cinco

54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.): ALL OF THE LISTED ONES.

56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?: that's a good question

56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?: i would just know? tf

57. Do you consider yourself mature?: honestly no

58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?: like five maybe

59. What is your favorite quote?: WAIT...goes to pinterest board

dude like. omfg

60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?:

gojo satoru

fushiguro megumi

ryomen sukuna

62. Do you believe in the death penalty?: yes actually

63. What are your goals for life?: spain

64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?: girl...i know what they're doing

65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.: i just answered this spain

66. What were you like in 2013?: happy asf because it was 2013

67. Do you have a job?: JOBLESS 💜

69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?: NO MORE Inflation

70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?: probably like fifteen

71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?: no tf it's ao3

72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?: girl anything

73. Does money equal happiness?: its part of it

74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?: i'm experiencing it right now listening to that one laboum song

75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime? last december when taehyung and jk enlisted

77. When was the last time you looked at the news?: actually my mom had the news on when i walked downstairs today. there was a shöotīng in aurora if anyone is shocked by that

78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?: gojo satoru

79. What is your favorite animal?: swiss mountain dogs

80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?: ALREADY DONE? where's my check

82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?: well right now it's 3:20 so that's a really good question

83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?: maturity is a dumb word

84. What is your favorite clothing store?: ragstock

85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?: neither

86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?: bitter sweet just came on

87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?: dude yes

88. What do you fear the most?: rejection

89. How many digits of pi can you recite?: 3.14..5 ?

90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?: 2016 ONE BILLION TIMES OVER

91. Describe yourself in one word.: stupid

92. Describe your last victory.: not crying when run came on

95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?: i do not want to know what would happen to me if i remembered everything in vivid detail

96. Have you ever broken a bone before?: no 💛 the power of infinity

97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?: it's the same thing

98. Coffee or tea?: chai

99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?: listening to loona

100. karina

[auxwired]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers 💜💜

hiiiii 🙌

OUH HELLO

umm.... Wait let me thinkg

number 1 goes in art. It's pretty vague but I love drawing my favs and my characters and I love it when people are interested in the things I make, I also love drawing things for my friends and it's very fun methinks. I also love how art lets people's interpretations of things be as complex and creative as possible . It's wonderous....☝️☝️☝️☝️

number 2 is . Attending cons and collecting merch ? Maybe? Kinda wordy but I look forward to it every year (I'm gonna be going to komiket pride on the 16th 😁😁 with my friends + in cosplay😁😁) . I have a huge collection of stickers and posters and it makes me look like a geek but it brings me joy everyday it's whimsical and Joyous

number 3 are the little people in my computer and out of my computer. I love u guys lots and I think ur all so neat 😁😁😁 Ya!!!!!

Number 4......I really should not be putting this that high up but Fullmetal alchemist. Um. Yauy. But seriously it's brought me back from artblock and completely changed my art style (for the better) and I'm just wondering HOW this series changed my brain chemistry so much.

Numbr 5.... Baking. Maybe. Idk I'm running out of ideas. I was baking chocolate chunk cookies with my sister the other day and I don't mean to brag but DAMN am I good at this. Twas fucking that shit uppppp

Okeiy that's all ^_^ I'll maybe try to send this in The Ask Boxes but I'm feeling a little lazy so I might do it later

[willow-salix]

(Fluffember prompt: Name)

Day 4 of isolation on Tracy Island 2.0

"I don't care, you're coming with me," I told the love of my life, who wasn't looking very happy about it. 

"Why me?" he whined, and if you've never heard John whine before, or don't actually believe he's capable of it, let me assure you that he is very capable and it's very pitiful. But I am immune (mostly) and continued to stand my ground. 

"Because I can't leave you alone with them, you can't stand up for yourself and they can't be trusted."

"That's not true! I can…" he saw the look on my face as I mouthed 'mattress' and trailed off, admitting defeat. "Fine, but just the one shop."

Now, I know they say never take your husband shopping, but I honestly, TRULY thought that mine would be an exception. He's the organised one, he's the sensible one, the one that correlates all the data and sorts out all their problems. 

How wrong I was. 

It was actually quite pleasant to be alone for a few hours, it hadn't been that long since I'd made my less than dramatic return to the island but since the world was nowhere near normal we hadn't had that much time to ourselves lately, so I was going to take full advantage. 

"What do we need to get?" he asked in that long suffering tone that all husbands adopt when faced with the prospect of a trip around a shop with their woman. 

"Not that much," I assured him. I was lying. 

"Show me," he ordered, knowing I was lying. Must work on my 'believe me' voice. 

I lifted up the list, which unfurled itself into something roughly the length of Alan and watched as his eyes tracked its descent. I also watched the life drained out of them as he faced his doom head on. 

"Really?" 

I nodded, folding the list back up again. "It won't be that bad," I promised him. "It's one massive shop, we should be able to find everything there."

"Why didn't you take Virgil instead? Why must you torture me?" 

"Because you're my man and it's your job, plus I want to spend some alone time with you."

"I can think of much better ways to spend alone time," he grumbled under his breath as he steered the plane towards the landing strip. I declined to comment. 

                 ***

"Now, whatever you do, don't wander off," I reminded him, looking up from the list where I had sensibly been highlighting different categories of products so we could hit the different areas in order. 

I almost laughed when I saw that my poor, put-upon man was slumped against the plane, hands in his pockets, eyes downcast like he was fully expecting the grim reaper to show up any second and whisk him away from my evil clutches. Keep on dreaming, boy. 

"I'm not Alan," he sniffed. "Or Scott, I don't wander off, you wander off."

"I do not!" 

"You're the one that didn't tell me you were going to look at the meerkats when we went to the zoo."

"Babe, it's meerkats, you should have known I'd wander off to look at them, that's just common sense. I didn't need to say it."

He looked at me like he thought I had no idea what common sense even was. He's probably right, since I agreed to both marriage and staying on the island again. 

"Come on," I held out my hand, wiggling it in invitation, "it won't be that bad."

He sighed and took my hand. "I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" 

"Probably. Now, masks on, sanitiser at the ready, grab that trolly for me and let's do this thing."

              ��         ***

You know how it is when you're mostly in a shopping daze and can't focus on anything but getting in and getting out as quickly as possible? Like you're so focused on the list and making sure you don't forget anything and trying to locate the actual items you need versus the ones you suddenly want and can't do without? That was me. 

So it took me a few minutes to realise that I'd lost John. I don't know how it happened, I don't know when and I couldn't say in good faith that he hadn't been kidnapped by aliens, it was that kind of day. 

He'd shuffled along behind me, pushing the cart into which I was throwing all manner of things that I could tell he thought were useless and unnecessary. How little he knew. 

"You can put some things in too," I reminded him as I tossed a loaf of fruit bread over my shoulder towards the cart. He didn't answer. The bread landed on the floor with a soft flump. 

"John?" I turned around but he was gone, the cart too. 

"What the heck?" Where was he? I fumbled in my bag for my phone. Where was it? Why was I losing everything important today? I had a sudden mental image of my phone sitting on the coffee pot where I'd propped it while making breakfast, I'd been watching YouTube videos and needed both hands…

"Damn it." I didn't have my comm with me either, I only ever took that out with me when I wasn't home. Which would be now… "DAMN IT!" 

In my defence, I hadn't thought that I would actually lose him. I thought he was more sensible than that. 

I retraced my steps, going back down four aisles to the place I knew for certain I'd last seen him behind me, pushing the trolly like it was a protective force field against shop workers and old people that didn't know the meaning of social distancing and kept getting up in his face asking him to reach the high shelves for them. 

"John?" I called, sticking my head around the corner. Nothing. 

"Bugger."

Where the heck could he be? 

"Jooooohhhnnnnn!" I yelled a bit louder, starting a full sweep search, marching down the center gap between the aisles and glancing down each one. Nothing. 

"Excuse me, young lady."

I skidded to a halt, almost flattening an older man. 

"Hi, yes?" 

"Have you lost someone?" 

"Yep. Lost, one gorgeous ginger dumbass, if found please return to the witch in aisle 26." The man looked at me like I was crazy, but I'm used to it. 

"Oh, I thought you might be Mrs Tracy."

"No, Grandma's at home."

He gave me a funny look and I stared right back, I didn't want to be impolite and just walk away but yeah, kinda on a mission here, Grandpa.

It was then that I heard it, a voice coming over the tannoy. 

"Can Mrs Tracy please come to lost property at Customer Services."

It's a little surreal to hear someone calling you when you don't expect it and it took a few moments for it to register and my brain to process the information. 

The old man looked at me again, head tipped to one side. 

My brain clicked over. 

"Shhh…ugar! That's me! Lost husband! Thank you," I screamed over my shoulder as I hot footed it to the customer service desk. 

"Hi," I gasped, slightly out of breath (it's a very large store) "you…called," I gestured up to the ceiling and circled my finger like that would make sense to anyone but me. "Tracy…" I slumped, panting. 

"Oh," the lady at the desk finally lost the blank look on her face, figuring out what I meant. "He's in the lost child room."

I frowned, the what now? 

I dutifully followed behind the counter and through the door marked 'employees only'. 

"A customer found him standing alone in the bread aisle looking confused and lost so they alerted us."

She pushed open the door to a cheery yellow room with dancing clowns on the walls that looked like they wanted to eat my soul. 

"I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake, I haven't lost a ch-" I stopped dead, blinking to make sure I was indeed seeing this correctly. 

"Where have you been?" John demanded. 

He was sitting forlornly on a chair that was so small it looked like it should have belonged in a doll house. His knees were higher than his chest. Some helpful soul had given him a colouring book but he'd ignored it although he was wearing a sticker that told me that he had been a super brave boy. 

"You left me!" 

"I did not!" 

"I turned around and you were gone! I tried to call and Scott answered!" 

"My phone's at home."

"I know that now! Because you abandoned me!" 

"I…I…" I splutted, not knowing what to say to that. 

"May I suggest a leash next time," the woman from the counter said as I dragged him to his feet. I couldn't tell with her mask on, but I'm pretty sure she was smirking. 

"Babe, you're fine, it's just a mega shop." 

"It's hell."

"You're being dramatic." 

"I'm never coming shopping with you again," he grumbled as I thanked the lady and towed him back into the shop. 

I have no idea where he lost the trolly, neither does he. I bought him a sausage roll in the cafe to appease him, leaving him there with his phone while I shopped on my own. Some things are just not worth the hassle. But I do know that next time someone calls my name in a shop, I'll pay attention. 

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Nine

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Eight

Read here on wattpad

Word count: 4K

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse

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PMRC DEMANDS CENSORSHIP, DEVELOPES A LIST OF THE "FILTHY 15."

1. Prince, "Darling Nikki", flagged for sex/masturbation

2. Sheena Easton, "Sugar Walls", flagged for sex

3. Judas Priest, "Eat Me Alive", flagged for Sex/Violence

4. Vanity, "Strap On Robbie Baby", flagged for sex

5. Mötley Crüe, "Bastard", flagged for violence/language

6. AC/DC, "Let Me Put My Love Into You", flagged for sex

7. Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It", flagged for violence

8. Madonna, "Dress You Up", flagged for sex

9. W.A.S.P., "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)", flagged for sex/language/violence

10. Def Leppard, "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)", flagged for drug/alcohol use

11. Mercyful Fate, "Into the Coven", flagged for occult themes

12. Black Sabbath, "Trashed", flagged for drug/alcohol use

13. Mary Jane Girls, "In My House", flagged for sex

14. Venom, "Possessed", flagged for occult themes

15. Cyndi Lauper, "She Bop", flagged for sex/masturbation

Tipper freaking Gore, the wife of the senator at the time, Al Gore, and bunch of other political housewives got their panties in a twist in 1985 and decided to demand artists either censor themselves when creating music, leaving no room for even the slightest hint at sex, drugs, alcohol, satanism, occultism, violence, language, or anything else almost every artist uses one of to express themselves in their music.

When musicians across the board practically told Tipper, the other wives, and everyone else that called themselves a member of the Parents Music Resource Center, to go fuck themselves, they decided to slap censorship stickers on records that contained any of the mentioned offenses.

Even John Denver got hit with censorship for his song "Rocky Mountain High."

It didn't shock me when my mother was photographed with Tipper after attending one of the hearings.

Mötley was invited to a hearing to defend their content and speak their opinions with a handful of others being censored, but they never batted an eye when the news first came out because they knew having an "X" or "XX" or "XXX" rating for violence, language, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. would only make kids buy the record more. And it did.

"It's bullshit." I state, tossing the news paper article aside.

"It's politics." Fred replies taking a bite of his bagel.

"These womens' sex lives must be atrocious or else they'd be spending more time on their husbands' dicks and less time on these people's." I motion to the article with the list on it.

"Babe--"

"If these polotical lunatics spent as much energy taking care of their own damn kids, as they're spending attempting to villainize artists who're expressing themselves, they would realize that it's not Mötley Crüe's or anyone else's job to raise their children. If you're so scared of your kids trying all this stuff, have a conversation with them about it and tell them about it, honestly, instead of relying on the music they listen to, to properly teach them about it. And at the end of the day, they're gonna buy the record whether their parents want them to or not, and they're going to try all kinds of stuff, no matter who talks to them about it, if they really want to try it." I continue my rant, Fred, Doc, Nikki, Vince, Tommy and Mick all looking at me, waiting for me to be done.

"Are you done, Sister Christian?" Vince asks me and I glare at him.

"Viv, it's publicity. Who gives a fuck?" Nikki asks me. "The kids are gonna go for the nastiest rated album anyway. The more 'X's the better."

"Yeah, but the audacity of--" Tommy's teaching his hand around my shoulder and covering my mouth before I can continue and I look at him where he's beside me.

"I've got a headache. I'm hungover, Viv. I love you, but I don't need to hear a Vivian Bitch Fit right now." Tommy explains to me.

I just look at him like he's lost his mind for shutting me up, and he cautiously moves his hand away.

I give him a ten second reprieve before shouting, at the top of my lungs:

"The audacity of these people pisses me off!" I finish what I was going to say and Tommy and Nikki are both jumping out of their seats a little at the sudden shouting, covering their ears, wincing, before Nikki's looking at me, sharply.

I roll my eyes at him and he grabs roughly at my thigh under the table, uncomfortably sinking the tips of his fingers into my flesh.

Ignoring him, I take a sip of my coffee, as he glances around and stands up.

"I gotta piss." He tells us, but I know why he's going to the bathroom.

I wait for him to disappear past the "Men's Room" sign in the Denny's before I get up and follow after him.

I walk in, catching the tail end of him snorting a line, and I cross my arms, waiting outside of the stall he's in.

I hear the familiar "click" of a needle being uncapped.

"Nikki. It's 10:00 in the morning." I tell him.

"Fuck off."

"Nikki."

"Fuck off."

"Nikk--"

"Fuck off."

"Make me."

I wait for him to come out of the stall and do what I dared him to, but I just hear the sound of him sighing out in relief as opiate hits his system, drowning out whatever argument we were about to get into.

When he didn't want to hear me complain or try to talk him out of stuff, he would run to his favorite room in his mind: his heroin den.

If we were at home, he'd lock himself in the closet, with me begging him to come out.

He'd open the door for me right before passing out so he could at least say he tried.

If we were in public or at a hotel, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and do the same thing.

The sound of vomit smattering the floor has me wincing as he mumbles "fuck it" and opens the stall door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Don't fuckin' give me that hit dog look." He tells me, moving past me to the sink, splashing some water on his face, smearing his already smeared eyeliner that makes him look like a raccoon that's been digging around in a dumpster.

"I'm not giving you any kind of look." I mumble, forcing him to look at me as I wet a paper towel and wipe his black-coated eyelids clean.

The smell of his vomit infiltrates my nostrils and I throw the paper towel away before pulling at his wrist to leave. 

Being that he's perfected his magical potion, he isn't too jittery from the coke or nodding off from the heroin.

He's just quiet.

We leave Denny's and head straight to the airport to head back home, being they wrapped up the last show of the U.S. tour last night.

Next is Europe.

Once we land in L.A., Christmas music blares through the speakers of the airport and reminds me that it's already nearing the end of December.

Apparently Vince is reading my mind because he mumbles, "apparently time flies when you're in hell."

Amen, Vince. A-fucking-men.

The second Nikki and I get into the limo to take us to our house, he's busting out a vile of blow that's nearly empty.

"Fuck, I gotta get Jason over, asap." He tells himself and I rub my lips together.

"You know, we haven't even bought a Christmas tree since we've been married." I tell him, trying to distract myself from his previous comment.

"Yeah." He says, basically blowing me off and I reach the toe of my sneaker out and nudge him on the kneecap as he gets the tip of our house key and scoops some from the bindle, snorting a bump.

"Babe." I continue to tap his kneecap until he's got his hand around my ankle, loosely, stopping me.

"What, Viv?"

"What did I just say?" I ask him, crossing my arms.

He just blinks at me, smirking a little.

"I'll gladly tell you when I finish this." He holds the bindle up.

I lean forward and take it from him, holding it hostage when he attempts to take it.

"You'll get it back when I get a Christmas tree." I tell him, raising my brows.

"Are you fucking me right now?" He asks, chuckling, not thinking I'm serious.

"No...but now that you mention it, I want that, too. Then you can get it back." I add and he smirks.

By the time we get to a department store, get my clothes back on and his pants zipped back up, grab an artificial tree, lights and ornaments, and finally get to the house, it's nearly one in the morning.

"Okay, Saint Vivian, gimme my shit back." Nikki states, carrying the boxed up tree while I carry the bags of lights and ornaments.

"Put the tree up so I can decorate it and I will." I reply.

"That wasn't apart of the deal." He argues, his tone still light.

"Well now it is." I reply.

"That's cheating."

"I made the deal. I make the rules." I shrug.

"You're making me work for something that's already mine." His free hand pulls at my waist, turning me to him and I grin mischievously as he shakes his head a little. "That's it, Sixx." He tells me before crouching enough to wrap his arm around my thighs and throw me over his shoulder.

I laugh manically, partially out of fear that he'll drop me, but also because this is the Nikki I fell in love with.

Playful, lighthearted, aggravating but meaning well, Nikki.

He manages to dig his house key out again and unlock the door before stepping in and turning on the lights in the foyer.

"Baby, put the bags down for now." He tells me and I drop them as carefully as I can while he puts the box the tree is in, down.

He's walking us to the living room, laughing when he pretends to trip and I gasp, digging my nails into him like a cat holding onto its owner to avoid a bathtub full of water.

When he flips the next light on, he stops immediately.

My mind is in shambles for a moment as I try to put together why so many people are in my house once Nikki's nearly dropping me out of shock, not even hearing them all scream out, "surprise!"

Steven and Tansy are at the forefront of people as the explosion of glitter, a mixture of neon and pastel decor, an abundance of various alcohol options, scantily clad women, a handful of Nikki's friends he hangs out with outside of Mötley Crüe, and a big ass, two-tier cake with every curse word known to man written in pristine is cursive font on the sides of it is soaked in by mine and Nikki's eyes.

Steven's wearing a beer hat, smiling widely, while Tansy looks like a sallow Barbie doll, but she's still forcing out a grin for the sake of us, and everyone's waiting for mine and Nikki's reactions.

Nikki and I exchange looks, confused as ever.

"Why is it a surprise?" I finally ask, deciding it's best if I ask instead of Nikki, because all he wanted to do was come in, shoot up, have a few lines, fuck around with me some more, and pass out.

But instead he's being forced to socialize in his own house.

His safe place has been infested.

Steven and Tansy seem horrified that we don't understand the reason for the apparent party.

"...Because it's your birthday?" Tansy reminds me.

"And Nikki's was a couple weeks ago, but he wasn't here to celebrate it." Steven adds, his smile is long gone, his eyes focused on Nikki who looks like he could kill someone right now.

"Oh, right!" I pretend that I know that it's my birthday today, and everyone seems to let out a breath of relief. "It's been a long day." I explain, stepping to the two blondes, hugging them both tightly. "Thank you so much."

While everyone else starts going on with the party, music starting to blare throughout the house on the stereo speakers, cracking open beer, whiskey, and vodka, as girls strip down to bikinis to go swimming, Nikki's still standing at the door, the look on his face is a mixture or pissed off, disappointed, and "I need another dose."

"Babe." I say gently to grab his attention, hazel eyes looking to me as a jaw tightens. "C'mon, just for a couple hours."

"I'll be right back." He tells me, shoving through people to get to our bedroom.

I brush off his attitude the second I feel hands on my shoulders, squeezing them a little and I snap around to meet Duff's chest.

"Hey, birthday girl." He greets me cooly, and I'm hugging him before I can stop myself.

Something wet falls on my hand when I pull away, and just as I'm about to look around for whatever it was, his fingers that are sticking out of leather gloves that just cover his palms, are brushing at my face.

"What's up?" He asks me, furrowing his brows a little.

What is up? Why the hell are you crying?

"I-I'm happy." Is all I can say, chuckling, wiping more tears.

He knew it was bullshit. I was happy, sure. Happy to get the fuck off the road. Happy to get a break from Nikki and Tommy harassing Vince. Happy to get away from Doc's constant pressing for more tour dates to milk as much money as possible. Happy to be able to hangout with balls of optimism and sunshine like Duff and Steven and have Slash show me his pet snakes like he'd been meaning to, and for Izzy to tell me what music I should have been listening to, and for Axl to go on and on about Tansy but then completely deny he was interested in her because he was too much of a dork to just ask her out.

"I'll be right back, alright?" I tell Duff, looking around to see Nikki's nowhere to be seen.

"Okay." He tells me, swigging from a bottle of vodka.

I thread through people who tell me "happy birthday" and I thank each of them, genuinely, before opening up the bedroom door, and shutting it behind me, stepping to our bathroom.

"Baby?" I ask, seeing Nikki standing at the mirror, teasing his hair some more. "I had no idea they would do this." I tell him.

"I had no fucking idea it was even your birthday, apparently." He grumbles. "Shows how much I care, right? Husband of the year. Something else to be hung over my head anytime we get into a fight." 

"Hey, I didn't even know it was my birthday. The guys didn't either. You've all been busy and working hard and tired. I'm not going to hold this over you, Nikki." I assure him, fixing a piece of his hair for him.

I didn't realize his pride was so hurt by the gesture Steven and Tansy made.

I found out later it was Duff who brought up the idea to Tansy, who recruited the Ken to her Barbie: Steven, to help her orchestrate it.

That was another indication to Nikki that he needed to slow down, forgetting his own wife's birthday, but he didn't listen to it a bit.

"I really don't want to do this shit, Vivian." He tells me, rubbing his eyes.

"And I do?"

"They're your friends." He sighs.

"What's mine is your's." I say as I kiss his cheek and he groans.

"You owe me." He tells me as I step out of the bathroom. "Matter of fact, I want my coke back."

"Um, I can't hear you, babe. I'm sure I will when these people leave." I tell him.

"Viv--"

"I-I think you're breaking up, I'll talk to you later." I keep going, walking to the bedroom door.

"I'll break something up when these people get the fuck outta my house!" He calls back and I shut the door behind me.

The night goes on as people play beer pong on the dining room table, dance on whatever and whoever they can, snort lines off any flat surface available, and chug whatever is in their cups, drowning pain and becoming oblivious.

I hate to break it to Nikki, but I don't want these people driving in their condition, so they'll have to stay here tonight or call cabs.

After a few hours, people are either pairing off or grouping off to go get laid, passed out, or too high to function properly and are just chilling out.

Steven's observing his work, drinking from his beer cans perched in his hat when I approach him, looking for Duff.

"Have you seen Duff?" I say over the music and he nods.

"Yeah, I think he's by the pool." He tells me.

"The pool?"

"Yep."

I furrow my brows, stepping to the French doors leading outside, seeing Duff and Tansy sitting down on the pool deck, talking

"Is he pissed?" She asks me, referring to Nikki, after I sit next to her.

"I would say go see for yourself but I don't want to toss you into the lion's den." I admit. "He hasn't come out all night."

"I'll go talk to him." She says. "If he's mean to me I'll just cry and make him feel bad like I do to Vince."

Duff and I exchange looks at her confident words before she's walking away in her neon pink bikini.

"Everyone calming down?" Duff asks in a slur, and I nod, glancing through the doors to look at the guests for a few seconds. "How does it feel to be twenty-two?" He adds, rubbing his nose and I raise my brows a little, glancing at the bottle of vodka he's been working on all night.

"It's weird." I mumble. "I was a senior in high school five years ago." The reality hits me and he raises his brows. "God, I'm old."

"You were seventeen your senior year?"

"In pre-k my teacher decided I was too smart for the class and vouched for me to be moved up to kindergarten, and it didn't take my kindergarten teacher long to convince the principle of the elementary school to let me start in the first grade since they hadn't really started in on their curriculum for the year." I explain.

"I couldn't even meet the basic requirements of alternative school." He tells me.

"You're a freaking genius, you just didn't apply yourself." I tell him and he shrugs.

"I had more important things to get done.

"I guess you did." I agree, gently scoring the bottle of alcohol away from him.

"I know you're tired of me saying this, but, Viv, you gotta get back to dancing."

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean, imagine me giving up music for someone I'm in a relationship with so I can hold their hand or fucking babysit them or whatever. I mean, sure it shows I love them a lot, but it would just make who ever I was with look like a fucking bitch. And I've talked to Nikki before and he told me he didn't want you to quit dance and he wanted you to go to school." He explains. "Why didn't you?"

"I had more important things to get done." I repeat him.

"I don't know if you're selfless sometimes, or just not thinking." He says, before his face suddenly falls. "I sound like an asshole right now, I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head.

"I'm not upset, I know what you mean." I assure him.

"Okay." He rubs his eyes again like a sleepy child.

"Do you need me to help you to bed?" I offer and he waves his hand at me a couple times.

"No, no, I got it." He assures me, standing up.

He nearly falls over.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." I comment, helping him inside as he apologizes.

"I'm sorry I'm being out of hand right now, Viv, I don't get like this every night." He tells me as I open our guest bedroom and thank God nobody's in here, although it's obvious someone has been screwed to oblivion on the bed.

I just throw the blanket on the edge of the bed over the mattress and help him lay down.

"Thank you." He says as I pull his boots off and set them nice and neat on the floor at the foot of his bed.

"You're welcome." I reply, setting the garbage can beside him incase he needs it. "Goodnight."

I'm about to leave, but his hand gently grasps at my hand, stopping me.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"I'm really glad we met and we're friends, Viv." He tells me, grasping my hand in his like I'm going to walk out anyway and not listen to what he's got to say.

"I am, too, Duff." I say back, smiling a little. "Sleep tight, okay?"

"Yeah." He nods his head.

"Alright, goodnight."

I go to kiss him "goodnight" on the cheek, but my entire system and body locks up the second he misreads my intentions, and kisses me.

This sounds so counteractive to who I am now and what I stand for currently, and it was ignorant of me to think such a way back then, when so many people close to me were heavily affected, some of them even dying, by drugs and alcohol...but I use to wish I liked alcohol or drugs, or even felt drawn to them.

By '87 I'd had several miscarriages, my marriage was hanging by a thread after only being married for four years, I was having an identity crisis and my entire world was seeming to fall apart and it became routine to buy a bottle of vodka or whiskey, or pills, or blow and just stare at it--trying to convince myself to go for it--for an hour before pouring it out or flushing it.

The people around me, which by that point was mainly Duff and his band, started to pick up on this struggle I had. And although they knew I had to be in some kind of extreme pain to be considering reaching such lows, they carried an "if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry" method of pulling me out of such spells.

Anytime we would be hanging out and I'd opt to try something they were doing, they would call it the "Golden Question Game" because the "Golden Question" was always "is Vivian actually gonna do it this time?" and they wouldn't argue with me about it or try to stop me because they knew the answer would always be "no" even if I didn't think it would be.

I even made the reckless suggestion to try heroin, and got as far as Izzy getting it in the syringe for me, trying to explain to me how to shoot it, how to angle it, how to know I'd hit a vein, with Steven, Slash and Duff all waiting to see if I was that desperate for an escape.

Like everything else I would think about doing, I just sat on the floor next to Izzy and stared at the golden liquid in the syringe and thought, "who the fuck are you to get pissed and angry at Nikki and Tansy for their addiction to this shit, and how it's destroying them, and then turn around and do it yourself?"

I shot it into the air away from me, handed the empty syringe back Izzy, thanked him for letting me waste his time and dose of smack, went to the bathroom with Duff at my heels, and cried.

I never went through with any of it because I knew I would never, ever, come back from it.

I would've drank myself to death or drugged myself past the point of no return and would have ended up a statistic.

I just needed a new escape because my original high became a heroin addict, and December 23, 1985, had me realizing more about Duff than what I had noticed before: Vodka was a hell of a lot easier to be around than heroin.

[awed-frog]

Hey, I was just wondering do you have any thoughts on Barthes, death of the author? And I guess in extension the return of the author? Also slightly related, have you ever read any of Chris Krause's work? I read I love dick and I'm rather conflicted, I don't like the character but then I identify with her? Anyhow all the best x

Okay, so - as a disclaimer, I never had tons of classes in any of this stuff, so I’m hoping what follows makes some sense? If it doesn’t, it’s 100% my fault.

Anyway: the tl;dr is, I hate it with a vengeance and I never use it. On the contrary, it is very central to my life, and as close a certainty as I have on anything, that whatever we consume we should always ask ourselves: who is saying this? And why? And most of all, cui bono?

Oh, and a second disclaimer is that what I’ll allow *waves a generous hand* is that, like many other extreme, rebellious or wacky theories of the 1960s, it was probably Good and About Bloody Time that someone pushed back against the status quo, because some things back then needed to be broken down - but that doesn’t make those movements rational or right in themselves, you know what I mean? What matters is not the wrecking ball, but the new thing you’re planning to build on the ruins.  

So - imo there are two big problems with the concept of ‘death of the author’ - one is the theory itself, and the other is how this theory is understood on tumblr and fandoms (from what I see on my dash, that is).

First of all, Barthes basically says that to understand a text, we shouldn’t go and explore its author (their life and other works, the historical context, what they’ve read and talked about with friends and stuff like that) because the author is born with the text, and the text already contains all that it’s necessary to its full understanding; also, the reader will supply the rest, because, in a way, the reader creates the text - and gives it meaning - just as much as the author.

To be perfectly honest, to me that’s downright bullshit. Knowing who the author was and what was happening around them is paramount to understanding what the hell the text is trying to say, you know? For instance, knowing Orwell took part in the Spanish Civil War makes Homage to Catalonia much more poignant, and the fact Burgess went through the exact same ordeal he describes in A Clockwork Orange (his wife was attacked and brutalized by a group of American soldiers in 1944) will change the way you read the book, as it bloody should, and the same is true of literally everything else, in my opinion. For instance, last week we went to see The Greatest Showman, a biopic of P. T. Barnum that’s horribly inaccurate and almost a parody of itself; but knowing full well what the polical climate is like today means I actually sort of liked the movie despite its many faults, because I recognized it as what it wanted to be: a ‘hymn to freakishness’, an exploration of what it means to be different, and that’s exactly what we’re in dire need of.

Now - what is true is that we’ll never be able to pin down exactly ‘what the author intended’, because authors may not know themselves and that’s just the world we live in and the kind of creatures we are. I met writers who’re extremely smart, attentive people completely dedicated to their craft, and all of them said there’s always this moment when some reader goes, I liked how that detail with the dead bird was a direct reference to Clara’s illness or something and it’s a light-bulb moment for them, and I mean - they wrote the damn thing, but still didn’t notice that detail was there and why it was important. It probably just sounded right, because that’s what happens when you’re good at something and do it daily: sometimes things just click and work and you don’t even stop to consider the whys and wherefores. But the fact that we don’t have a complete insight into our own minds doesn’t mean we should give up completely on interpreting art and literature, right? What would be the point of that? Because I always perceived Barthes’ theory as a kind of giving up, myself, a kind of Fuck, Le Grand Robert lists 100K words and I’ll never be able to learn all of them, I might as well stop my French classes, you know? And, like, no? You can speak and understand a language with 500 words - and whatever, your glimpse into that world won’t be perfect (and there’s no such thing as perfect, btw), but still better than nothing, right? So, anyway, I don’t much like this theory in itself. 

As to its application to fandom life, well, here is where things get even worse. From what I see on tumblr, people generally think that ‘death of the author’ means their interpretation of what they see is always valid, and also that there is no right or wrong way to understand a story. And this bothers me a lot, because I see it as a direct consequence of a) capitalism doing its best to tailor its products to everyone by leaving out as many details as possible so that, Sure, Luke Skywalker can totally be gay, why not, and here is your Funko pop toy and your stickers and thanks for shopping with us and b) the age-old myth that science, now, that’s a hard and unforgiving discipline where there’s truths and untruths, but in the liberal arts, everyone’s opinion just counts the same (because you don’t need a degree to watch a movie and also the author is dead, so there). But, well - as the people who actually produce the content we enjoy know perfectly well, the author is not dead. There is a message in stories, and there is a right and a wrong way of reading them - if not on all the details, then on the main point of them; and, frankly, it’s weird how on the one hand we celebrate the triumph of this ‘everyone’s opinion is valid’ society we’re building (thus not simply killing the author, but bludgeoning the dead body with a blunt axe) and then on the other we loudly demand a world where artists are ‘unproblematic’ in their private lives (one example: the recent furore over Balthus’ painting in the Met). It looks like truly, this may be the era of the Schrödinger’s Author.

(And let me be clear: of course you’re allowed to like or dislike whatever you want based on your personal experiences and bias, but that’s your opinion, not any kind of truth. Like, a thing I found quite interesting in my personal life was a discussion I had with a woman from New Zealand about Thor: Ragnarok, a movie I mostly hated. One of the reasons for my disappointment in it was how Valkyrie had been represented: to me, her laddish drunkenness represented yet another attempt to insert women in a story while making them behave like men, a trend I profoundly despise. But, as that woman was kind enough to explain to me, from her perspective (and probably Waititi’s, since he’s from New Zealand and has explored the same subject in other movies) Valkyrie’s loss of focus and alcohol problems were there to evoke the plight of the Māori people, who, like other aboriginal communities, were forced into alcoholism and excised from their traditions when the ‘civilizing’ might of the the White Man showed up on their shores. This to say that I still don’t like the movie, but since Waititi was talking to a different audience, and they got the message, I’m wrong and he’s right, because I’m free to have an opinion on anything, but at the end of the day, he’s the goddamn author, alive and kicking.)

As for Chris Kraus, I don’t know her at all. I heard good things about the TV adapation of I love Dick? And as for what you say - fiction often reveals deeper truths about ourselves. I’d say that if you feel close to a character you don’t like, well, that’s a good starting point to understand (and change, or maybe learn to love) what it is that you don’t like about yourself? Anyway - sorry for the novel - I wish you a good afternoon/evening/whatever it is where you are! 

[annebrontesrequiem]

Hi! Could you do the RFA + Saeran and their reactions of getting a call from the hospital because MC got in some sort of accident (not too serious though) and them going to visit her? It's ok if you don't want to though!

Okay, I really do need to get better at saving this lol. It’s deleted, and right when I was on Baehee! I’m also sorry for being gone so long, jeez it’s been too long! Lol, anyway, whatever, let’s begin!!

Zen

It was two days before a big performance of his

After rehearsal he was planning on having dinner with you, and watching your favorite show, something relaxing

But all that was quickly abandoned when he got a call from Jumin

You were going to get some groceries to make your special soup for the cold rainy April weather

And when you were crossing a street a drunk driver hit you on the side

Zen was surprised his phone wasn’t across the room by now

He was however, sprinting out of the theatre, yelling at his manager a babbling excuse, screaming at Jumin for the directions

When he got there he was a mess

The RFA was crowded around you, barely giving you any room to breathe, but the minute they saw him they parted

While he walked up to see you he spied the crumpled groceries, beside your bed, the green stalks of celery still peeking out, and he broke down completely

He knew that you were in pain, not only due to your arm in a cast, but also the fact you had an IV, something he knew you always hated the idea of

So instead he stroked your hair and squeezed your hand

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m so, so sorry.”

You just smiled kindly at him

Afterwards you were very wary of cars, and he held your hand when you crossed the street, arm around your shoulder

He was terrified of what could’ve happened

About what would’ve happened had that car hit you dead on

He would’ve crumpled

Yoosung

He was playing LOLOL, like usual, and you were reading

It was such a relaxing night

When you finished you kissed him on the cheek and rushed off to get the next book in the series

By the time you got out the sun was setting

You loved this time of day, the weather being remarkably clear for April, streaks of pinks, purples, and reds streaking the sky, the night cool and balmy, slightly wet like the morning dew type feeling of late summer days

You beamed up at the sky

Walking back to your apartment you didn’t notice the car pulling out of a parking lot

As it collided with you, you skidded across the pavement and into the street, your book splayed across the asphalt, just a hair’s breadth away from you

Yoosung got five messages from Seven before he picked up his phone and read it

And when he did he dropped it

Typing furiously into it he slid across the room, grabbing his keys quickly, jacket be damned

The whole way there guilty thoughts danced in his head

Why didn’t I go with her? Why didn’t I pick up the phone sooner? Why? Why…

When he got there you brightened up slightly, you’re smile growing bigger

This caused him to burst into tears at seeing your two broken ankles

You ended up comforting him, but he was adamant on feeling guilty

Gave you tons of kisses

Decorated your wheelchair with stickers of the constellations, moons, and stars

And when you began physical therapy to walk again he was there the whole time

Every appointment, every single thing

And every night he’d hold you close

Grasping you tightly

He feels like he needs to remind himself you were there

Because if you hadn’t he would’ve fallen

Jaehee

It was a hard week for her

Jumin was preparing for a huge trip, culminating with an important conference, then a party when he got back

So that meant a ton of sleepless nights for his poor secretary

You understood how tired Jaehee was

So one night you took the time to take the two hour trip to a reclusive coffee shop, which sold Jaehee’s favorite

You were so happy when you managed to grab the last two bags

Practically happy danced out of that shop

When you stopped at a red light you went to check and make sure it was still standing straight

When a young driver rammed you straight from behind

Jaehee was just about to take a break when Jumin came bolting in, hair disheveled

“Jaehee, MC, she’s been in an accident.”

Jaehee bolted out of her chair like a missile

Sprinting towards the elevator she barely paid enough attention to get the location

Jumin couldn’t keep up with her

And he’s tall

And she was in heels!

When you saw her running down the hall you twisted around yourself, desperately looking for where the heck they put the bags

When she reached the room, panting, looking so worried, you broke down

She immediately gave you a big hug, stroking your hair, avoiding the spot where your head was bandaged

“I-I’m so, so sorry! I, I w-was just trying to get you the c-coffee, you like. A-and now you’re behind schedule, a-and it’s all my fault!”

She shushed you and kissed you on your cheeks

Jumin could get someone else’s help for the last two days, she was going to take off

You also broke your ribs and she needed to make sure you took your meds and ate enough

Every night when you fell asleep she’d brush you bangs to both sides

“Coffee beans could never replace you, you’re so much more to me…”

Jumin

You two were coming home from a party

Jumin was happy to get home, away from the crowds of people, he wanted to be with you

You were just waiting for when you could get out of those heels

Already unbuckled you lagged a bit behind him

He laughed a bit at your struggling, which earned him a glare

“Here, let me help you.”

You smiled gratefully at the hand and went to grab it

When the motorcycle came out of nowhere

Jumin screamed when you fell backwards, your shoes in a moment of cruel irony let behind

He didn’t have time to look at the cyclist, who was looking, bewildered, stoned as Hell

Jumin scooped you up and pulled out his phone, calling an ambulance

Rode with you in the back, holding your hand as you cried

They sedated you to set the broken collarbone and Jumin flinched

When you shook it off and came to he kissed you firmly

“Oh my God, I thought, I thought that, that you were going to leave me.”

You began tearing up,

“I wouldn’t be able to go on like I do now, you, you’re too important.”

Since he was in his apartment he just arranged a lazy boy to be brought in

Supervised everything

And made sure the cyclist was brought to justice

There doesn’t need to be people like that driving, not with all the troubles already in the world

Saeyoung

You had stormed out after even more pushing away

You hadn’t planned on going anywhere in particular

Just needed some fresh air

Unfortunately fate just wasn’t on your side this day

After cooling down enough to go back to that Hell of an apartment you quickly walked towards the apartment

Unfortunately you didn’t see the public garage opening

There was a horrible scraping of metal on cloth and flesh

And the door knocked you into a fire hydrant

You thought of Saeyoung right before the world went dark

Saeyoung had  begun tracking you the minute you left

And the minute the phone blinked out he picked up his keys and ran

Terrified that his fears had come true

He hadn’t expected the scene on you being carted on an ambulance, phone spotted with blood, falling from the rim of a sickly yellow hydrant

His stomach had dropped and for a minute he couldn’t breathe

Running in he barely stopped to explain it to the nurses

You weren’t responsive, but that didn’t stop him from apologizing for everything

He had to wait while they set everything, you had a concussion, but when they left and he was alone, the RFA hadn’t yet arrived, he poured his heart out to you

You woke up to him talking

“I didn’t understand, I thought if I pushed you away it would get better, you’d find someone better, someone more deserving. Instead I got you hurt, I can’t believe it, you’re at the center of my thoughts and I’m so sorry, I’m so damn sorry.”

You reached out, despite the pain, and touched his hand

He jumped, but seeing you, a light smile on your face, he enclosed you in a tight hug, clutching you like water, something that might slip away if he didn’t hole you tight enough

You hugged back and he began crying

“I love you so much MC, I love you so damn much.”

“I love you too, I will always love you.”

“Always…”

Saeran

You two were planning an ice cream date

And he was so excited

Smiling around the house, practically beaming

Kissing you a lot, causing you to laugh

God, he loved your laugh

When the time came to go out he was dragging you

You barely had time to grab your purse

It was an amazing night, not too hot, not too cold

After the ice cream you two walked slowly around a park, looking at the statues in Greek style

Just enjoying each others company

Saeran was completely at peace, he couldn’t believe that there was a happiness such as this in the world

As he led you through the park he pointed eagerly towards a statue, dead center of the park

“Look MC! Look!”

He started running towards it, and your hand started slipping

He noticed after a few seconds, and turned around to laugh, teasingly

When he saw the motorcycle ramming into you

The cyclist didn’t even stopped

Just laughed

Saeran took a quick mind of the plate before picking you up

Your leg was bent oddly and you were crying

He was shaking with anger, and fumbled with his phone

At the hospital he wasn’t allowed to be there while they set the bone

He turned his phone on again and looked up the guy

Sexual assault charges, physical and verbal abuse, the list went on and on

Saeran was grinding his teeth in anger

How was this guy not in jail

It didn’t matter, Saeran knew how to change that

Pulling a few strings he smiled in cold, cruel, satisfaction

The guy was going to be in jail for a while

Just then your room opened and he rushed in

Seeing you, tears still at the edge of your eyes, leg in a cast

He went over to hug you and kiss you

And the tears started flowing, something that surprised him

After everything, his mother, Mint Eye, the attacks, the whole time he’d never cried

But seeing the center of his universe, the light in the never-ending darkness, the love of his life, seeing you hurt made him so sad

So he just held onto you, showing that it would never happen again

It wouldn’t

He wouldn’t let it

I hope you like!!! Again sorry for it being so long, but hey I hope it’s really good!!! Have fun reading, and again hope you like!!