#but currently don’t have the mental capacity to actually say it lmao

[antaripirate]

"If I'm in trouble," she'd said, "I'll get myself out."

He had shouted, then, and so had she.

He had called her stubborn and she had called him selfish, he had called her frightened and she had called him a fool, and in the end, she had stormed out, and he had slammed the door, and the waves had sloshed angrily against the ship, and he knew she’d cast her ring into the sea.

[robiinurheart33]

Thanks for the tag @sergeantwoods !! I went a little crazy on the questions lols,,,

1. how many works?

Honestly no idea lmao (if ur talking on ao3, I don’t have an account there, but I’ve been thinking about it.) (14 wips atm)

2. Total word count?

Again, no idea LOL! My actual works have been around 1K ish per post? So id say in total maybee 10k?

3. what fandoms do you write for?

Currently, COD. I wanna expand more soon though, so stay tuned in the far, far future

4. top 5 fics by kudos?

I’m gonna list down my fav fics of all time (multi fandom) if im reading this correctly

1. Anything by buzzcut_season really. Their writing is spectacular and made my heart clench on so many occasions. My personal GOD of writing fluff. And the person that got me through the hells of teenage puberty.(for the record, i am still in puberty lmfao) my firsts in the tag tooth-rotting fluff and the magics of slow burn. (Sk8 the Infinity)

2. Neon Void by sugarpastels. The creator is here on Tumblr with the same user so if you wanna check her out go ahead!! FANTASTIC writing, villain Leo au with heart pounding scenes that leave me dizzy. A fic has never made me breathless and needing to pace around my room more than this one (special shoutout to her sister as well who is writing a mutant mayhem fic that unfortunately didn’t get added to the list but is still super well written!!) (ROTTMNT)

3. Anytime You Need Me by thirteenbullets. I really don’t need to elaborate more. Character analysis + fluff + non sexual intimacy + long fics… it’s the perfect series for me. I felt like a stuck gold when i read this. (COD)

4. The Eldest Brother by dEBB987. Classic 2012 x 2018 crossover, but it doesn’t have ooc and is just such. A. Fun. Read. Made me giggle and kick my legs more than one occasion and good family feels all around. (TMNT)

5. Mutant Ninja Midlife Crisis by a_platypus. Old Leo comes back to the past after the events of the movie to readjust to new life. The right amount of drama with the perfect amount of slice of life. This fic actually gives the old turtle a break but also not letting go of the teenage angst and everything that comes with seeing your dead friends young and alive again. Would have been higher on the list but it’s not completed sadly. The author does write for COD as well though, and it’s worth to check it out! (ROTTMNT)

5. do you respond to comments?

Yes!!! I love love love it when people comment and try to interact if possible.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably the panic attack Ghost fic. Haven’t written much angst if im remembering correctly. I’m a major fluff person

7. fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh god i really haven’t written a proper fic at all helps. I’m frantically swiping through my robs ramblings tag and just realising most of the ghoap stuff i write is about their undying dedication to each other. Jesus. Happiest ending is probably one of my blurbs cause every time i try to write actual fluff i overheat and explode.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Nope

9. do you write smut?

Nah. I don’t think ill ever write smut honestly not because im asexual its just that I don’t think I can write one accurately if that makes sense. Also im a minor I don’t think im allowed to do that

10. craziest crossover?

None yet

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully not, but if i have i would take it as a sign that I’ve made it as a writer. Unless it’s more popular than the actual post in that case burn it with fire.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

Unfortunately and fortunately no. I would LOVE to collaborate, don’t get me wrong. But i would get so anxious about not disappointing the other person or procrastinating and motivation and all the works and just. Yeah I don’t have the mental capacity for that rn.

14. all time favourite ship?

Ooooooh

ghoap, renga, ineffable husbands, solangelo (Off the top of my head rn)

15. what’s a wip that you want to finish but doubt you will?

THE SECOND PART TO DRUNK SOAP. OH MY GOD I NEED TO GET IT DONE ITS BEEN 2 MONTHS

16. what are your writing strengths?

I would say making everything just too dramatic and emotional

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue. I can barely talk irl how am i supposed to write witty banter

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Love it. As a bilingual myself i love seeing diff languages it’s like a bonus secret for that language user

19. first fandom you wrote in?

Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. That was when i was in my “i think this is so cringy of me and i hold myself back because of it” because wow. I reread some of it recently and it’s horrible it will stay and rot in my notes app. Although i will say it’s so nice to see how far I’ve come in terms of writing and just posting publicly in general

20. favourite fic you’ve written?

The drunk soap one and the Ghoap one where they’re on stakeout together. I didn’t like the second one initially, but i think slaving over it worked. I love how I managed to balance the quietness and mutual respect and fondness of each other.

If you couldn’t tell, i had a lot of fun answering these questions haha

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations!! You know more about me than the average online follower 👏👏👏

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 311: Hand Gun

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “thinkin’ about dropping in some woke analogies of the very real and very presently relevant issue of racial profiling idk what do you guys think” and then shrugged and did it without waiting for an answer, and ngl it was a bit sudden, but I’m here for it. All Might was all “DEKU YOU NEED TO EAT” and Deku was all “OKAY” and took his hero bento and went to go stand dramatically on a tower in the rain whilst having some highly anticipated Vestige flashbacks. OFA II was all, “sup, I guess I’m not Kacchan... OR AM I,” and ngl I think he is?? Alternate universes anybody?? Hello??? But anyway, so OFA the First a.k.a. Yoichi was all “remember that time you guys rescued me from my evil brother and Two took my hand and we Had A Moment?”, and Two and Three were all “ahh yeah good times”, and it was very nice and very, very gay. The chapter ended with it being very unclear if Two and Three have actually lent their power to Deku yet or not lmao. Y’all need to get your shit together dudes.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “what if I gave a random bad guy a fucking tommy gun that shoots nails” and jesus christ calm down son. The Hawksquad, a.k.a. SQUAWK as per @hotchocolatier​, are all “time to drive aimlessly around town acting like Deku has a restraining order on us because that’s literally the best plan to combat the League we could come up with,” and I have no further comment. Hawks is all “idk about you guys but I want to know more about AFO and Tomura’s whole deal” and I can’t remember the last time I identified so strongly with one of these characters. All Might is all, “[EXPLODES???]”, and the chapter ends with that mysterious hot girl from the Tartarus breakout being all “HELLO I CAN TURN INTO A GUN AND I LITERALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK” and (1) WOW, and (2) IT’S TRUE, SHE CAN, AND SHE REALLY DOESN’T. GODDAMN.

(ETA: so this wholly escaped my notice on the first go, and also has nothing to do with the chapter itself, but I only just realized that this chapter was scanlated by a new group, TCB Scans. they actually did a very good job, and I’m curious if they’ve found a new RAW provider, because the quality this week is actually crazy good in comparison to what we’ve been dealing with for the past few months. I’m gonna have to get caught up on what exactly happened here lol.)

so what will it be this week? more Vestige antics? more of Sad Nomad Deku standing on buildings and pretending like he’s some cool aloof antihero, as if he could fool us when we all know his hero backpack is secretly stuffed full with his nerd diaries and the remnants of all the hero bentos that All Might keeps giving him?? or, just putting it out there, just a crazy thought, but you don’t suppose we might actually cut back to U.A.? mmm. side-eyes emoji

maaaaaan I’m starting to get tired of this trend of beginning chapters by dropping in on random power-tripping civilians and/or Shindou lol. just once can we get a chapter that opens with someone I actually give a fuck about

oh at least Endeavor is here

A WHAT SUPPORT ITEM!??! HOLY SHIT DDLKJSLFKJL

lol somehow that’s more terrifying than bullets for me?? like I’m fully aware that bullets will fuck you up way worse and that in real life nail guns probably don’t work like this AT ALL and only have a range of like... hold up let me just google... up to 100 to 150 m/s and distances of up to 500m wait WHAT

okay wait. hold up. like I was expecting google to tell me nail guns only shoot a few feet at most, and instead the first search result is some CDC blog article that’s “dispelling” the “””myth””” -- please note my repeated sarcastic quotation marks -- that nail guns can fire 1400 feet per second, by explaining that actually they can fire anywhere from 315 ft/sec to 1,295 ft/sec, and that “it is in the pneumatic nail gun user’s best interest to handle these tools as if they were a firearm despite having a lower velocity” dlkjdslkjflkl

SO THAT SCENE IN IRON MAN 3 WHERE TONY RAIDS A HOME DEPOT AND BUYS A BUNCH OF RANDOM TOOLS AND SHIT AND GOES ON TO STAGE A ONE-MAN INVASION OF AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST’S FLORIDA MANSION HQ IS ACTUALLY TRUE. YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THE FILM “HOME ALONE” IS ACTUALLY A DOCUMENTARY. “the Discovery Channel television program “Mythbusters” compared the penetration capacity of an airborne projectile shot from a pneumatic framing nail gun to that of a 9mm hand gun” HELLO YES AND A MERRY “WHAT THE FUCK” TO YOU AS WELL

anyway, so. there’s apparently a reason why the Number One hero, who can burn people with the intensity of a sun going supernova, is hiding here behind this concrete support column making frowny faces. nope. nuh uh. he ain’t about that. I don’t blame you buddy

so now he’s barrel rolling out of his hiding place and setting this dude THE FUCK ON FIRE because HELL NO. BAD ENOUGH I HAD TO WATCH THAT FUCKING MUSHROOM EPISODE LAST WEEK! YOU TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE

LOL look at his face

I know the context is actually him being all “I know I’m responsible for basically everything that happened and so that’s why I’m so grim and serious about this mission to set things right piece by piece,” but in my mind this pissed-off face is 100% all because this dude tried to shoot his eye out with a nail gun. look at that. you made him go full flame face again. beard and all. protecting his face so that it can hopefully melt any stray nails that get too close. nope nope nope

good lord. so what’s up next. let me guess the guy fighting Best Jeanist has like an atomic chainsaw or some shit

lol nope we’re just cutting back to Hawks and Jeanist chilling in the Jesla after they’ve wrapped things up

Jeanist has got some serious Groot energy you guys jesus christ he’s like 12 feet tall

oh snap someone threw a pipe at him now

today is just the chapter of Endeavor being assaulted by random DIY tools I guess

I mean, I get why they’re pissed at him obviously; I would be too lol. but tbh I also don’t really understand the “get out of here we don’t want your help” attitude that all of these people suddenly seem to have?? like it if were me, I would be fucking DEMANDING for him and the other heroes to be working round the clock to fix their stupid mess. I mean who else is gonna do it?? it’s their mess, I sure don’t want to be the one to clean it up instead. anyways but whatever lol

oh shit?

so they haven’t dropped the whole “OFA secret potentially gets revealed to the world” thing yet after all. that makes sense I suppose, it did seem like that whole thing wound up playing out a bit too easily

anyway so yeah

the locals are definitely none too happy. well at least Dabi’s got something to be cheerful about I guess

so now we’re cutting to the interior of the Jesla and they’re chitchatting about the current investigation

oh wow this actually makes a bit of sense now. so there was a reason they were keeping their distance from Deku

please note that even in this abstract Endeavor’s-Mental-Image-Of-Him panel, Deku’s eyes still don’t have the light in them anymore :( my poor son

also ftr I still think using Deku as bait in this particular sense is the shittiest idea ever ngl. like sure, let’s let the sixteen-year-old run around battling miscellaneous escaped prison convicts while we stay several kilometers away ON PURPOSE despite the fact that you’re using him as bait to draw out the Big Bad, who just a reminder can destroy anything with a mere touch and who you were all basically helpless against. what exactly are you all planning to do if Tomura or one of the other League VIPs actually shows up to retrieve him?? are you even keeping tabs on him at all in real time?? jesus

(ETA: well that escalated quickly lol.)

Horikoshi is all of a sudden dropping whole pages of exposition here and I can’t be bothered to summarize this lol so just,

a big fat YES to what Jeanist said, though. that’s why imo they would have been better off laying a trap at U.A. rather than just wandering around out in the open. I assume they’re trying to cut their potential losses because U.A. is full of students (and civilians), but those students also happen to be more capable than pretty much anyone else in the manga at this point. and tbh they’re already in life-threatening danger regardless of how things play out from here on, so they might as well at least try to use the few advantages they have right now. U.A. is almost certainly going to come under siege at some point anyway, so they might as well prepare for it

lol I don’t think I’m explaining this very well because I don’t have the patience right now to break it down point by point like it really ought to be, so for now I’ll just say that imo “U.A. siege” stands a good chance of being the eventual endgame even now, and so this whole “Deku runs around being bait” arc is really just killing time until then lol. like and subscribe for more rambling nonsensical takes such as this. maybe next time I’ll even put it all into one single sentence for maximum meandering senior citizen rant value

well it’s nice that they’re finally talking about all of this I guess

we readers have known all of this for months now but this confirms the heroes are finally caught up. ALSO, Hawks is so fucking smart, as always. kinda wonder if things would have played out differently if All Might had let him in on the secret a bit earlier. probably that’s why Horikoshi made damn sure they didn’t find out until after the War arc lol

OH MY GOD YOOOOOO HAWKS OUT HERE ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS

“anyone else wondering why AFO bothered to raise Tomura as his fake heir for fifteen years when he was secretly planning on taking over his body the whole time” YES, [raises hand] lmao Hawks where the hell were you when I was debating this “AFO is the final villain and Tomura is just his pawn” thing on multiple occasions over the past several years lol

lmao seeing them debate the metaphysics of OFA and all of its mystical bullshit is seriously surreal you guys

JEANIST HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT MY META TAG I HAVE WRITTEN SO MANY ESSAYS. I ACTUALLY WAS PLANNING ON WRITING ANOTHER ESSAY ABOUT THE THING THAT I’M PRETTY SURE HAWKS IS ABOUT TO BRING UP, BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT WHOOPS, BUT MAYBE I WILL NOW LOL LET’S SEE HOW IT GOES

yes!!

WHICH AFO FUCKING ENSURED HE WOULD BE BY LITERALLY PLANNING OUT EVERY LAST DETAIL OF HIS FAMILY TRAGEDY, FROM SECRETLY GIVING TENKO THE QUIRK TO MAKING SURE NO CIVILIANS OR HEROES WOULD HELP HIM UNTIL AFO FINALLY STEPPED IN. I’M 1000% CONVINCED THIS IS THE CASE YOU GUYS. NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAN OF “THE WORLD IS A FUNDAMENTALLY SHITTY PLACE, ACTUALLY” TAKES BECAUSE MISTER ROGERS TOLD ME TO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE HELPERS, BUT ALSO BECAUSE IT LITERALLY JUST DOESN’T MAKE A LICK OF SENSE OTHERWISE. THEIR ENTIRE HOUSE CAVED IN FFS, YOU’RE TELLING ME NONE OF THE NEIGHBORS FUCKING OVERHEARD THAT SHIT AND WENT “UMMMMMMMMM” AND WENT TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON?? “DIDN’T THERE USED TO BE A HOUSE HERE, AND LIKE A WHOLE FAMILY, AND SHIT?”

LIKE I’M SORRY, BUT IT’S ONE THING TO SAY IT’S REALISTIC THAT NOT A SINGLE PERSON WOULD ATTEMPT TO HELP THE WANDERING TRAUMATIZED CHILD AFTERWARDS (WHICH I DISAGREE WITH AS WELL BUT AT LEAST THAT’S MORE SUBJECTIVE), AND IT’S A WHOLE OTHER THING TO ARGUE THAT IT’S REALISTIC THAT NO ONE WOULD BE FUCKING NOSY. LIKE THAT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL OF “THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS” ENTIRELY LOL. anyway tl;dr AFO is a piece of shit and Tomura’s entire worldview is based on a magnificently intricate and savagely cruel lie more at 11

anyway so after all that ranting it looks like that wasn’t even what Hawks was talking about after all lol. I just went off for absolutely no reason lol oh well. instead it seems that Hawks is suggesting that Tomura’s carefully cultivated hatred might not yet have actually reached “can defeat OFA” levels even after all of that trauma. interesting!

don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here while my brain furiously scrambles to put together all the parallels between Hawks and Tomura that it never noticed before until exactly this second. like I’m not even sure that was the intent here at all (I need to check out another translation or two lol), but regardless my mind decided that now would be the perfect time to make the connection between these two twenty-somethings who both had horrific childhoods and spent years being molded by their respective manipulative guardians, and developed eerily similar “laugh at everything because what else can you do” coping mechanisms to deal with it all hmmmmm

anyway so they were talking more about their strategy, but now all of a sudden Jeanist’s phone is beeping??

AND NOW WE’RE CUTTING AWAY TO ALL MIGHT AND HIS MIGHTMOBILE DAMMIT so that means the call to Jeanist was actually something important then!! WAS IT BAKUGOU OMG. DOES YOUR INTERN WANT A WORD FFFKLFSJK please it’s been so long I just need a little crumb or two to tide me over lmao have mercy

anyway so All Might’s following the GPS tracking device he’s apparently got planted on Deku (which in my conspiracy headcanons he’s actually had for a long time now, like since before DvK2 lol because HOW ELSE WOULD HAVE HAVE KNOWN THAT THEY WERE FIGHTING EACH OTHER IN GROUND BETA, PEOPLE) and thinking angsty thoughts about Deku’s sucky life

AND NOW ALL MIGHT’S PHONE IS RINGING TOO?? BAKUGOU HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU CALLING. “WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE NERD GODDAMMIT”

OMG

lol is he under attack or is he just finally giving All Might the slip like we all know he SECRETLY PLANNED TO ALL ALONG oh my poor dumb angstmuffin

OMG AHHHHHHH WHAT

DID ALL MIGHT JUST FUCKING DIE LMAO NO OF COURSE NOT, BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING OMG

THE FUCK IS THAT. AT LEAST IT’S NOT A NAIL

OH IT’S A SPEAKER!! OMG DID THEY TAKE ALL MIGHT HOSTAGE

“THEY’RE HERE” WELP, TIME TO SEE JUST HOW SHITTY THIS SHITTY PLAN REALLY IS LOL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SHE!!!!

omg. AND OVERHAUL JUST CHILLING THERE IN THE BACKGROUND ALL “WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT ME TO DO I’VE GOT NO FUCKING ARMS” YEAH GOOD RIDDANCE LOL

DOES THIS GIRL HAVE ONE GIANT LEG OR WHAT, LIKE WHAT’S THE DEAL HERE

-- HOLD UP WAIT, THE GUN IS HER ARM, HOLY SHIT SHE CAN TURN INTO A GUN -- OKAY HOLD UP BECAUSE I NEED TO SAY THAT IN BIGGER TEXT BECAUSE !!!!

YOU GUYS, THE COOL TARTARUS GIRL IS BACK AND HER QUIRK IS “CAN TURN INTO A FUCKING GUN.” THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! MY BEST GIRL MT. GUN IS FINALLY BACK ON THE SCENE WITH HER QUIRK “CAN DO ANYTHING A GUN CAN DO.” “I HEARD Y’ALL WENT AND NAMED ONE OF YOUR HEROES ‘GUNHEAD’ EVEN THOUGH HIS HEAD ISN’T EVEN A GUN, LIKE WTF IS UP WITH THAT LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE” DANG OKAY

lmao only fifteen pages this week, and STILL NO KACCHAN (THEN WHO WAS PHONE!!!), but man I don’t even care because finally we’ve got a cliffhanger that’s actually deserving of being a cliffhanger! hot dog. okay then

[bug-ocs]

3, 10, 12, 17, 38? For the writing asks!

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

WELL lately it’s popping an edible and blasting megalovania on repeat. usually involves me zoning out and staring at a wall while i imagine a cool fight scene. i don’t think i have to explain why that’s cursed.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

i feel like a writing “haunting” you means that it sort of eats away at you. it becomes exhausting and laborious rather than fruitful and enjoyable. in that case, yes! much of my writing has done that to me! i’ll usually take a step back and go “what’s not working here” and it usually comes from some weird self-imposed rule i made up along the way lol or if i’m struggling with a scene i usually end up completely reworking it or taking it out altogether!

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

1) i’d wish i could write scene transitions better, 2) i’d wish for a better ability to focus while i’m writing lol, 3) i’d wish i could think about the bigger picture a little easier. i get super in the weeds when i write and it’s really hard to get out lol

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

oh god TECHNICALLY my most current WIP is vice versa/terrible things so oh my god i Do Not have the mental capacity to unpack everything right now LMAO but! i do have this stupid vice manual that i keep chuckin’ away at: https://haileytxt.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/the-diagnostic-manual-of-vices/ so i can talk abt that a bit

a lot of the stuff i talk about in there (and still plan to expand on) don’t necessarily impact the story BUT it does help me better understand this little world i’ve created much better. i’ve been able to connect a lot of pieces easily ever since i sat down and started thinking about this all a little more!

i don’t really have an answer for what a vice “is” biologically-speaking outside of the definition i wrote out, and even then i use “scientists don’t really get it” as a sort of scapegoat but ultimately that doesn’t matter HAH it is what it is. i feel like vices are real in the way memories and thoughts are real. intangible, but perceivable and even dangerous or powerful. any time i talk about textures, it’s more like “remembering” a texture lol. or like how when you remember something from childhood, you also remember the way the carpet scratched against your skin.

i talk a lot in the manual about scientists and experts “observing” and “studying” vices, and i see a lot of this being similar to talk therapy. events are observed by experts typically by intentionally triggering them, so there’s a lot of people who say the behaviors documented aren’t all that authentic, or at least have a potential for deviation.

this manual also isn’t publicly available, and the only reason they have it is because gen got a copy during college for one of her classes. there’s quite a few out in manual circulation, but people run the risk of it having outdated information. no one really wants to release an actual publicly-available manual because no one wants to be liable for things going wrong at the manual’s guidance, and things changes so quickly it’d be a hassle to release new editions as often as they come. also people and their experiences are so unique, it’s hard to create a hard and fast manual. since alpha vices are the most common and pose the lowest risk when being studied/observed, there’s a ton of shit out there for them. some of the more dangerous ones don’t have as much research behind them.

idk i could seriously talk abt this shit for hours HAH feel free to ask any questions abt it, i’ll gladly expand on this! i’ve written a bunch for the manual but there’s still a ton swirling in the brain hah

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

i don’t think i necessarily do anything ALL that weird? at least nothing i haven’t heard that other people also do lol...a lot of times when i’m not actually typing something and i’m working through a scene, i’ll act it out and talk through it and like actually pace around my house and throw my hands around and shit. i swear if anyone saw me they’d think i’m batshit ghlsdkfjsk i also concentrate best when i stare at the wall and don’t look at the screen HAHA i get distracted too easily or focus on super nitty-gritty shit when i see everything out in front of me, so i’m often typing and looking away at my wall. this has (on many occasions) resulted in me writing out multiple paragraphs of gibberish because my hands were out of alignment LMAO

[memoriashell]

seashells and shores ( and something a bit more )

Characters /  Pairing: Fukawa Touko / Naegi Komaru, ensemble class 78; varyingly background / implied ships are sakuraoi / ishimondo / celeschi / naeleogami

crossposted on ao3

Notes: a very late day 3 for @tokomaruweek​. beach prompt! yesterday i was feeling a little burnt out so i decided to not write since i didn’t want to put out something half assed. hopefully this being a bit longer helps make up for it! ( and by a bit, i mean i basically doubled the word count compared to what i’ve done for this week so far lmao rip so much for hoping i’d catch up tonight )

rated t for touko's trauma. and also for junko having her tits out. thanks junko.

anyways tw for like trauma, the general self-depricating / self-concious stuff for toko but also like. her trauma w/ water is brought up since it's. beach? and also drowning doesn't actually happen but it is brought up. and touko mentions claustrophobia in relation to her trauma offhandedly once, and again, just generally feeling insecure.

also it's kinda implied that chihiro and celes are both trans thank you!!!

Summary:  going to the beach isn't exactly an exciting thought for her, given the fact she has no desire getting in the water.

komaru seems dead set on making sure she makes some memories anyways.

Do you want to come to the beach with us? That is the first text of the morning that she receives, courtesy of Makoto Naegi. Touko considers asking who he means by us, gathers that he probably means some assortment of their classmates, and ( while it is very tempting to say yes ) concludes that she can safely say no. And she intends to do exactly that, but she gets a set of texts that stops her from being able to do so.

touko-chan!!!!

ur coming with us, right?

you should come with us!

itll be fun!

So Komaru would be there too— their...friendship is odd, all things considered. Not that the knowledge of knowing she’d be there makes the offer any more tempting, but she bites her lip and considers what to say. Not that there’s really much of a question, just keep it blunt and to the point as per usual. No point in sugar coating things.

I’m busy. Maybe next time. She’s not that busy, current manuscript aside. Not that Touko intended on ever not being busy. It’s not her fault that Komaru is too dense to take a hint.

awww :(

pls?

if u don’t wanna get in the water, ill make sure they’ll leave you alone. im sure you won’t be the only one that doesnt want to!!

Ah. She might have to ( partially ) retract her statement on Komaru being dense. Had she figured out her reluctance without her even mentioning it, or had that just been a lucky guess? Maybe it was just Makoto’s luck rubbing off on her...

i understand if you don’t want to come

and i’ll leave u alone if u rlly dont wanna come.

but it wont be as much fun without you there :(

Urgh. Yeah, this girl doesn’t understand a thing, does she? She’s probably not even realized the impact her words have on her. Touko grumbles under her breath, but figures she should respond before Komaru sends another text begging trying to convince her.

Fine.

I’m not going in the water, though.

If this goes horribly wrong, I’m blaming you.

That is a lie. Even if worst comes to worst and Syo feels the need to front for her, she won’t hold it against her. She’s the one who agreed, after all. It’s just one last attempt at offering her an out. To change her mind. Like she should. But Komaru is nothing if not stubborn, so she doesn’t really expect that offer to be taken up on. She starts making a mental checklist of what she probably needs to take with her, doesn’t get very far into that list because Komaru’s response is nearly instantaneous.

yayayayay tnk u touko-chan ily!!!!!! :D

we’ll pick u up k????

ur staying @ the place near the dorms right? see u soon!! ♡♡

Touko grimaces at the butchering of language that is Komaru’s texting ( and ignores her own fluttering heart upon seeing the casual hearts sprinkled in at the end ), and sends back, If you love me, fix your grammar.

The car ride over is mostly uneventful. In that she means she feels like she’s going to have a headache before they even get there and Makoto keeps giving her a sympathetic look. In other words, she’s learned that Komaru and both Asahina siblings should not be left to entertain themselves for the hour-long car ride, but the only silver lining here is that it was only an hour-long ride and hopefully they would be tired out for the ride back.

The highlight of the hour was that even if it’d been a tight squeeze in the backseat, that meant she’d been ( somewhat ) uncomfortably sandwiched between the door and Komaru herself. She’s a little surprised that it doesn’t set off her claustrophobia, but reckons that might just be because it’s too bright to remind her of being locked in a closet. And also because Komaru is generally distracting in close proximity, from the way she’d been halfway sitting on her lap, to the faint scent of what Touko figures to be her shampoo.

She also considers it a victory that she did not dissociate in the midst of that, but probably only because Komaru kept checking on her and apologizing for how close they are: she’d had to bite her tongue several times from saying something harsher than she’d really mean. She doesn't hate Syo, but probably counterintuitive to let them front today: whether they are aware of this, or simply just disinterested in trying to front right now, she is thankful. If nothing else, she would consider this some kind of learning moment. Maybe. Something to draw inspiration from?

Still, once she’s free from the confines of the car, she can actually relax a little— or does for all of two seconds before Komaru has grabbed onto her free hand and started dragging her towards the loud group that she recognizes as her class. Yuta and Aoi had bolted out of the car the moment they’d come to a stop to race to the waters ( she can’t imagine being that athletic and feels tired watching them ). Touko gazes back longingly at the confines of the car and the consideration that she might’ve been able to isolate herself there, but her grip’s pretty tight on her hand. Which is nice, and distracts her from thinking about escaping until it's way too late, and she’s forced to look at the group before her, and—

Slaps a hand over Komaru’s eyes with a groan. “Enoshima, wh-what the fuck, you—” She holds off on the ( derogatory ) word she wants to say, and just scowls at the sight before her. “This isn’t a...a nude beach? Are you t-t-trying to get us in trouble or something?” Granted she’s not technically completely nude, but also more revealing than she should be. Seriously, she would’ve figured that Ishimaru would’ve already told Enoshima off already because what else is he good for ( then again, he is single-handedly the only person who would probably take no real issue with it, or be naively convinced by her that it wasn’t really a problem, so maybe she really shouldn’t be that surprised ).

Enoshima cackles at her. “Don’t be a prude, Fukawa! Or are you jealous? I’m just trying to get a sick tan.” While she’s at it, where the hell is Ikusaba to keep her sister in check? Whatever, that’s not really important, and she refuses to dignify that with a response given that Enoshima probably only wants to get a rise out of her.

Instead, she makes sure to put a decent distance between them before removing her hand from over Komaru’s eyes with a huff. “Urgh, honestly...what on earth m-made her think that was a, a good idea?” She grumbles, glancing around now that she doesn’t have to stare directly at...that.

Actually, now that she looks around, the only seemingly responsible person from their class currently present was Oogami— and honestly, she seems too busy being in love with her girlfriend to count ( if it wasn’t kind of heartwarming, she’d probably be disgusted. Not in a homophobic way, in a general ew PDA sort of way ). As for any else viably responsible: Kirigiri being absent wasn’t a surprise, Fujisaki’s too soft to really keep people in check, Byakuya is...his own entirely separate category, and she would rather die than count Hagakure as responsible in any capacity. And Makoto might be a voice of reason, but she’s pretty sure he’s utterly useless here. Which is probably a horrible sign of things to come, but what else did she expect from anything involving her peers?

“You don’t want to go in the water, right?” Komaru’s voice cuts in through her thoughts, watching her closely before taking her hand to start pulling her along then. “We should set up somewhere to sit, then!”

We? She thinks, but instead attempts to free her hand from her grip and voices, “...Don’t you want to go in th-the water with the rest of them? You don’t have to, uh, to stay with me, you know. I’m not a k-k-kid.”

Her expression looks conflicted. “Well, yeah, of course I do want to! But only for a bit, probably? I mean, it’d be kind of rude to leave you alone since I asked you to come?”

She ignores the way her stomach twists at that, and purses her lips. “Technically s-speaking, Makoto asked first. You aren’t— it’s not rude of you to want...to want to have some fun without me. I know I’m n-n-not fun to stick around.” She knows she wouldn’t want to stick around herself if she had the choice. “It’s not like, like I wasn’t prepared for th-that.”

“Yeah, but— that’s the thing. You shouldn’t be! And I want to spend time with everyone, and that includes you too.” And now she’s sulking. God. Fukawa is about to growl back something she’ll probably regret saying, but is saved from doing so by a much calmer voice interrupting, having overheard their argument.

“Why don’t you go join your brother for a bit? Fukawa-san can join us if she would like to. We have an extra seat.”

Celes looks hot— and she means that in a very literal sense ( mostly ), decked out in one of her usual frilly black dresses. She looks out of place in the hot summer heat. Touko is also not sure where and how she managed to get a table out here ( and tea, apparently, and you know what she’s just not going to question it ), but Fujisaki is already pulling out the extra seat in offering, and she sighs reluctantly. Better this than feeling like she’s holding Komaru back.

“G-G-Go. Or...or I’ll let Syo toss you in the water.” Not really a threat - if anything, Syo would dive bomb into the water with her. Argh, maybe she should’ve just let them front today...

( No, no she shouldn’t have. The only person currently present that Syo would’ve mostly listened to would be Komaru— and maybe Makoto or Fujisaki if they were feeling generous— which is an entirely different set of issues she doesn’t want to linger on. Needless to say, she doesn’t particularly want Syo to cause chaos today )

Touko is saved from having to argue further with her on this because as Komaru opens her mouth to protest, Yuta comes to steal her away, blabbering on about something about a game they should play: and while he’s definitely as oblivious as his sister, she’ll consider that a good thing, just this once. The only words Komaru manages to get in is to ask Toko to keep her bag for her, which she would’ve done anyways, picking it up from where she’d dropped it. She watches them wander off ( and only looks away when Komaru starts discarding the clothes she’d been wearing over her swimsuit ) before trudging over to sit next to Fujisaki, who flashes her a small smile as she types away on her laptop.

“I am surprised you came, Fukawa-san. You do not seem like the type for these activities. You are usually quite disinterested in participating in these kinds of things, in fact. Did something change?” Ugh. This is why Touko hates being around Ludenberg. Because she’s observant, generally only bested by Kirigiri in that regard, and is generally good at picking people apart when it comes to lies and acts and fronts ( though Touko would argue this is from personal experience, and not from being a gambler ). And this fact would have irritated her, quite honestly, if she had not self-sabatoged herself by taking it as an insult, instead.

“I-I-I get it. No one really wants...wants me here. That’s what you meant, right...? You don’t have to r-remind me.” She grits her teeth. If nothing else, when she isn’t busy lying, Touko can appreciate her honesty. The tiny hand that wraps around her wrist stops her from saying anything further, even if it doesn’t take much to wrench her arm out of Fujisaki’s grasp: but she gets the feeling she is only able to do so because she isn’t actually trying to hold on too tightly.

“I’m sure th-that’s not what she meant, Fukawa-san...” Ever quick to play peacekeeper, she supposes. Touko simply grumbles at her and rolls her eyes. “...Especially since not everyone was available today, it’s nice that you were able to join us!”

“Yes, it is a shame. I would have liked for Yamada-kun to have been able to help with my tea, today.” Celes sighs as if disappointed— really? That’s what she’s on about?

Touko does a second look at who is not currently gathered, and denotes, “Is Maizono st-still out on tour...?” She thinks Komaru had mentioned something like that in passing.

“Yes! Maizono-san is on tour, Yamada-kun is at an important convention, Ikusaba-san, she’s...doing some kind of training...? I think Kirigiri-san is supposed to be on the tail end of a rough case, and...” Here Fujisaki pauses to giggle into her hand. “I sh-shouldn’t really laugh at this really, but Ishimaru-kun got sick. Oowada-kun had to force him to rest since he had been trying to work through it and made it worse for himself... or so that’s what I was told.”

Oh, so that’s the reason she hasn’t heard the loudmouths today? She might take back her sentiments on Ishimaru being useless, but he’s on thin fucking ice. Of course the overachiever would get sick during the summer holidays— apparently, she’s not alone in that thought.

“Only Ishimaru-kun would get sick during vacation and still manage to find a reason to not take a break.” Celes rolls her eyes, but Touko gets the feeling she’s amused too.

“So wh-what you’re saying is, uh, is that Oowada’s going to get sick next...right? I guess— we’ll find out if idiots get s-s-sick or not.” Touko quips— which earns a softer laugh from Fujisaki, so that’s pretty good.

Of course, it wouldn’t be like her if she didn’t put her foot in her mouth almost immediately afterwards by asking why they aren’t going in the water: she’s not really surprised because Celes rarely participates in gym ( and coming from Touko that says a lot ), but she was pretty sure Fujisaki wasn’t that self-conscious of herself. Not as much? Not that she really has any place to talk in that regard.

“Well, we already went to the beach at the start of the summer holidays! I’m not really missing out on anything, and it’s probably not my last opportunity to go during this break anyways.” And then, a little more sheepishly. “...Also I’m close to making a breakthrough on this code, I think. I wanted the fresh air, but I don’t really think I can afford to take much of a break right now.”

“She would have stayed on the train if I did not warn her we were approaching our stop, I believe. And not all of us can be like Enoshima. The brazenness of that woman is truly something else.” Touko is not sure if she says that from a place of respect or fear, and honestly she relates. And also doesn’t say any further on the subject because Celes gives her a dirty look.

Her gaze goes back out to their peers— she is pointedly avoiding needing to look at where Enoshima is— and spots Komaru and Yuta splashing around with Aoi and Oogami. Well, it looks like just splashing at least, from where she’s at. And Hagakure, who really just looks like an out-of-place sea cretin with the way his hair floats on the water’s surface, so. There’s that?

( No, she’s not at all envious of the fact that all of them get to have fun because they don’t have crippling fears: the ocean does not instill the same fear of confinement that a cramped bathtub does, but fear— there is still the fear that something will tug her down and her body will simply let herself dragged underneath out of instinct, a fear of something worse if she tries to fight for survival— )

Focus. She can feel the way her breath catches a little, the uneasy way her heart beats and concentrates on calming down. She doesn’t seem to have gotten Syo’s attention yet, nor anyone else’s, thankfully. She’ll just...watch Komaru for now, yeah. It takes a moment to relocate her, head breaching from underneath the water and surfacing like...like one of the sea’s legendary enchantresses. She means that in a wholly respectful way, of course, watching the way she shakes the water from her hair, mouth open in a wide grin while she laughs. Touko doesn’t need to hear her to know that on the sole basis of her appearance— the bright look in her eyes is enough to say she is happily enjoying herself without her.

On that note, hm. Maybe she can use some of that for the basis of her next novel— something about a siren and a lady visiting the sea? Tragic romances are always a hit, aren’t they? Okay maybe a tragic lesbian romance is more self-projection, but that's besides the point. No one has to know its self-projection if people eat it up like anything else that has her name on it.

Or maybe you need to talk to a therapist more often? Syo contributes helpfully, apparently having become more conscious at some point. Maybe her panic hadn’t gone as unnoticed as she thought. Not that they’re wrong, but talking to a therapist isn’t exactly going to help with her gay pining ( unfortunately, she wishes it were that simple ).

Yeah, that’s not something she really wants to linger on, and as if Celes can read her mind, says, “How do you ladies feel about a bet?”

“Pass.” Touko says immediately, because she is arguably far from a smart person, but she is smart enough to know to not take her chances against the ultimate gambler. Celes ignores her.

“You see, I would bet that Komaru—”

“No. We’re leaving h-her out of it.” Toko interrupts, and Fujisaki ( thankfully, like the god sent angel she is, even if she seems too good to be real ) nods her agreement.

“I don’t think Naegi-kun would be really happy if he heard us talking about his little sister like that...” Her reasoning is fair, if nothing else.

“Fine. Do you think Naegi-kun is going to interfere on Togami-kun’s behalf, or help Kuwata-kun?” A painted fingernail points out the trio by the sea. Kuwata seems pretty intent on forcing Togami into the sea, suit and all, much to his disdain. The duo is yelling, probably. On the other hand, Makoto just looks like he doesn’t know whose side he’s supposed to be on here.

In the end, it doesn’t matter because by some luck ( or lack thereof ) Togami manages to trip on a washed up stone and ends up taking the other two boys down with him. The heir doesn’t even look all that mad, really, as Kuwata dunks him back under the water in retaliation: she knows what his angry face is, and that is not it, even if it looks kind of like he’s swallowing a lemon.

Or maybe that’s just her and her sour mood feeling like she’s swallowed several lemons raw because Touko doesn’t know how to make lemonade out of all the citrus life has handed her.

“By the way Fukawa-san, about Komaru—” Celes starts, but is interrupted by Komaru’s sharp yelling, which is followed by the wet feeling of her arms wrapping around her. Touko frowns, pushing her away.

“You’re w-wet.” She states the obvious as she makes a face, not that that seems to stop her. “Are you...you're done going in the water f-f-for now?”

“Mhm! It’s too cold in the water, honestly. You’re nice and warm.” Komaru hums happily, and she grabs a towel from her bag to wrap her up in it before she ends up being the next sick kid. “I was thinking we could maybe spilt a snack...? And then we could make a sandcastle! Asahina-san was telling me about shells she saw earlier that we could use?” Touko bites back a small snort at how childish she sounds.

“Yeah, yeah— let go of me, s-so I can get up...” She agrees, ignoring the curious way Celes’ watches their interactions. She mutters something that passes for a thanks before she leaves ( not that she thinks Fujisaki notices at that point, full enraptured by her laptop screen ).

By snack, Touko realizes that this is more of a way of making sure she eats lunch— Syo had not so accidentally let it slip once that when she gets caught up on things, she has the tendency to skip meals. She bites her tongue on saying that it wasn’t necessary and instead pays for their meal because she can do that, she has the money to spare for that kind of thing: and she knows she doesn’t need to, but sometimes she feels like she needs to make it up to her before Komaru gets sick of their friendship.

And if it comes off like a date, that’s simply just coincidence.

When they return to the shore, Komaru drags her off to an area a little more secluded— she doesn’t really realize this at first, simply accepting her fate to follow along, but notices she can’t really hear anyone else. It helps her relax, feel like she doesn’t need to be so guarded.

( It doesn’t stop Touko from briefly complaining about how sandy she’s going to get because of this, which is annoying. And then immediately shuts up because Komaru offers to let her borrow her clothes, and she has nothing coherent that she can say to that. She eventually manages to spit out a no when it becomes obvious Komaru is waiting for her to say something )

“Well, okay then. You can always let me know if you change your mind.” She says, then, “Oooh, Touko-chan! It looks like there are tide pools over here!”

Komaru leaves her to pick out shells for them to use while she does the dirty work of constructing a sand castle. “So you won’t end up too sandy,” she explains. “And I trust your eyes to pick out nice shells.” She can’t really complain— although she almost makes a scathing comment about the fact that her eyes can't really be trusted when she wears glasses— and just keeps away from the waves for the most part. The water laps at her feet while she lingers around the tide pool, and then returns with the fruits of her search.

It’s...not an awfully constructed sand castle. Well, that’s probably more than a little generous to say. You know, if she was going to compare it to something kids made. As it stands ( or doesn’t, if Touko is being honest ), it’s probably not the most...concretely built and looks like part of the base might fall apart at any moment, but doesn’t say anything as she dumps an assortment of shells at her feet. And then pulls out a towel, so she can sit and watch her work. It feels like there’s another problem with this, but she can’t quite place what it is; it’s probably not important enough to point out.

Going back to the novel idea: maybe it’s not about a siren after all. Maybe it’s about a sea princess instead. A lonely girl drowning in the waters called home, in a lonely castle, and—

“Here you go!” Komaru plops a shell into her hand with no warning and beams at her. “It’s nice and pretty just like you, Touko-chan. So you should keep it!”

She definitely doesn’t almost tear up upon hearing that, swallowing thickly as she bites back a self-deprecating, Are you sure it’s not just ugly like me? Instead, she picks out a small shell from the pile and holds it out to her.

“...H-H-Here. Completely plain and, and average like you.” And cute, but that’s not important. Still, Komaru looks like she’s actually said something of worth as she throws her arms around her neck.

“Thank you! I’ll take good care of it.” She acts like she’s given her a houseplant or something of actual value, and not a shell.

Stiffly— because she still really doesn’t know how to respond in these kinds of moments, despite being friends for a few odd months now— Touko pats her back and mutters, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It is!” Komaru pouts at her. “It is to me. Isn’t that enough?”

She opens her mouth to point out that she’d really just been reciprocating a gesture, but the wave crashing over them interrupts the conversation— oh yeah, she thinks absently. That’d been the other problem that she’d noticed when Komaru had started building, but hadn’t thought it was a big enough issue to point out.

Once she processes that yes, that happens, her first thought is how cold she is now, soaked to the bone. Touko represses a shudder and tries to ignore the fact that she will need to shower later because salt water gets itchy. The second thing that occurs to her, in the midst of this, is that now Komaru is wailing into her shoulder.

“I should’ve been more careful, I’m sorry Touko-chan! You’re okay? You aren’t upset, are you? I thought th—” Touko leans forward to cut her off. Her lips taste like salt, and vaguely reminiscent of the sweet snack Komaru had coaxed her into splitting. She wants to bite down on her lip, a nervous habit, and pulls back before she can accidentally manage to bite the other’s lips instead. The implications of that are a lot more than she’s willing to handle right now, and averts her gaze as soon as she leans back, so she does not have to acknowledge her actions.

That doesn’t stop Komaru from throwing her arms around her a little too eagerly, a grunt at the impact of their bodies colliding. “Too m-much.” Touko manages to wheeze out, and before she can start apologizing again, follows with, “I’m not upset. I should probably just...just buy something overpriced from one of th-the nearby shops since our clothes are soaked now...”

She takes this in fairly good stride, jumping to her feet and pulling her up by her hands. “Can I pick out an outfit for you? It’ll be fun!”

Their ideas of fun are very different quite frankly, but considering Komaru won’t overthink her appearance like she does, thus meaning it’ll be more time efficient. And quite frankly, she’s tired, so she just agrees. On the condition they can just go take a nap in the car afterwards.

Touko doesn’t quite agree with Komaru’s fashion choices, but she picks out clothes that cover up everything that needs to be hidden, so she can’t exactly complain. Nor does she complain when they do less napping and more snuggling in the backseat. Which means on the ride back, Komaru ends up falling asleep on her shoulder. She thinks about how pretty she looks in the light of the sunset.

Maybe she can rethink her next novel being a romantic tragedy.

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary + lion secondary (bird model)

Hi! I am so hyped to find your blog - I have been following SHC for a while now and this is one of my hyperfixations lmao. Anyway, I am wondering if you are able to take the time to help me figure out my primary and secondary. I have a hard time trusting my instincts and experiences because of PTSD.

I’ll keep in mind that you’ve probably dealt with/are currently dealing with some burning. 

Even though I have an idea of what I could be, it will be nice to get some external validation. (I’m bad at explaining my internal thoughts sometimes).

That is something that Lion primaries struggle with… but it might also be a burnt secondary thing. 

My morals are largely based on social justice oriented structures of oppression. I have always felt this even growing up but after I finally learned the actual language for the power structures that uphold oppression in school (like capitalism), I realized that I’ve always intuitively used some kind of structure like that to assess morality but it was nice to learn the language and be able to talk about it and explain it to others. 

Definitely leaning Lion primary for you. 

An example would be as a child when I found out that Nike was using child laborers to make their sneakers, I just boycotted Nike and told my family I was boycotting Nike. 

I’d be really interested in knowing what the thought process behind this decision was. Was it “child labors are people too” (Badger) “This is Wrong!” (Lion) or “this piece of information makes me re-think my model of how the world works” (Bird.)

Currently, I am struggling to be a good “Daughter” (i’m nonbinary but my family expects me to be a nice afab daughter) who performs family duties well, and living who I am authentically. It makes me super miserable.

You’ve got Lion somewhere in your system. Either primary, secondary, or both.

The thing that keeps me stuck between lion and badger primary is while I do find things right and wrong and sometimes, a lot of what I find right and wrong is based on people. For example, I get annoyed at a lot of activist communities because they like to play this I’m the Next Top Activist game, and start shaming people who are not able to give their 100% to the cause, and I think that just… super ableist. I often struggle with being in activist groups for that reason because I find myself disagreeing with the ways they may intentionally and unintentionally exclude people with disabilities, or people in other marginalized groups. And the minute that someone is joining a cause to advance their own agenda and profile or ease their own guilt…they’re no longer supporting the cause in my opinion. I can’t just be nice to a politician without really trying to suppress my desire to call them out. It’s really uncomfortable to - like for example, asking a politician for money even though that money was our tax money in the first place. 

This is interesting. And this part actually got me thinking Badger because - it’s just so focused on groups, organizations, and communities. What really makes you get up in the morning is this feeling that all people matter. So you’re  tuned into issues of accessibility, and what’s happening with our tax dollars. But then, you are also crossing out categories of people yourself. Like, if they’re not a True Believer, you don’t want to deal with them. If they’re a politician, you don’t want to deal with them. It’s a very Badger impulse, but be careful there. 

My secondary is tough because while I try to plan, I always forget about my plan. I end up improvising on the spot, and I like shortcuts, but I also cannot pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s hard for me to deal with workplace professionalism and act respectable as I always have to think about what I can’t say or else I will get in trouble. I’ve gotten in trouble in the past for my mouth.

The badger side of me shows when I am noticed for showing up at things I support. I tend to take on supportive roles in the causes I’m involved in because of my lack of energy (I deal with a lot of mental health stuff that limits my energy) and I’m also dealing a lot with my neurodivergence which makes communicating and public speaking sometimes difficult for me. 

I don’t tend to take on leadership roles willingly, but I notice people always coming up to me and asking for my lead on things because they notice what I’m doing. I got my current job because my supervisor approached me at the company holiday party and asked if I would be interested in applying because she noticed the work I did in my previous role. 

Everything about this is very Lion secondary, *especially* the bit about easily falling into leadership positions. Lion secondaries are inspirational, and they tend to gather armies around them. 

I grew up super shy and things overstimulated me a lot so thats why the lion secondary sometimes feels like it doesn’t fit me. 

Probably your Lion secondary was somewhat burnt when you were younger, but it seems REALLY fiery now. 

Ok I realized I rambled a LOT (lmao hyperfixation). Please let me know if you need more info from me if this isn’t enough! Also, if you are out of capacity and don’t get to this, that’s ok too. Thank you so much for reading and for your time!!

I’m sorry about another ask! I submitted a post yesterday (frantasticlyfran) and I realized I forgot to include why the quiz would sometimes put me as snake primary! So a lot of the choices in my life I made because of my mom. My mom is a cancer survivor. I originally went to study film and biology because I thought that making health info accessible would have saved my mom a lot of trouble with chemo and its awful side effects. Now, I am doing more policy work and studying mental health because I realized that I enjoy working on the ground with people more than doing work that seems removed from why I’m doing it (which film sometimes feel that way). The film world was also really awful to me on principle and the way that it doesn’t pay its workers, or the way it tokenizes communities of color. Now, I still think about my mom a lot as I study mental health and how I want to make mental health accessible for low income, queer, and trans communities of color. 

Sometimes it can be really hard to see your own primary, because you only live inside your own head. It’s hard to see the forces that dominate your life as things that don’t dominate the lives of everyone else. 

Anyway, here is a list of communities you are specifically concerned with and motivated by:

Chemo patients

The film industry (derogatory) 

Underpaid workers

Low income people of color

Queer people of color

Trans people of color

You’re a Badger. 

As a kid, because I struggled with social cues (yay autism lol), I also tended to stick to a few friends and tried to model their behaviors and expressions. That is why sometimes the test would put me as snake primary.

Yeah, that’s an Actor Bird model. I’ve got one too, for the same reason. 

The other thing I forgot to mention was the fact that I sometimes come off as a bird secondary because I like to be prepared when it comes to bringing a ton of stuff when I’m traveling. I end up overpacking and bringing maybe way too many things and sometimes it’s like super not practical. But I do tend to come off as prepared because I’ve also gotten in trouble with others for not preparing enough in the past lol because people would get upset at me for not providing them guidelines or preparations when I usually just, jump in and learn on the spot and forget that others need me to provide guidance and prep work.

Lion secondary, Bird model.

[ghoulgeists]

I HAVE QUESTIONS!!! ABOUT FLINT!!!! a lot so have fun :D 4, 9, 10, 12 :) 13, 14, 17, 23, 27, 42, 44, 50, 56, 57, 59 (i think i asked this before but i forgot the answer lol), 61, 63, 67 !! also i ask about seaweed boy !! 3, 5 lol, 11, 18, 21, 30, 40, 44, 51, 59, 61, 64 !!! and a few for cadma !! 11, 19, 30, 36, 48, 53, 64, 69

UM HEWWO?!?!? THATS A LOT OF QUESTIONS! I am so excited to answer these...

Answers are under the cut! This will be... Long

Flint

4. If they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be?

Magic in their setting is a little different, and these questions are dnd centric, but I think I can still answer this! Flint would probably be VERY interested in divination magic, of any kind. So spells that could divine futures, locate objects, or show hidden things.

9. Do they care about their appearance? How much effort do they put into presentation?

In public, appearance is a top priority. They mingle with plenty of people whenever they can, and it's important to them that they give others a good first impression, so Flint's grooming is off the charts compared to most people.

When they're crawling around in the ancient dust of a tomb, however, the way they look isn't nearly as important as grabbing as many valuable burial goods as they can!

10. How often do they lie? What situations cause them to be dishonest?

Flint's no saint, and lies plenty enough to prove it. Most of the time it's white lies to spare feelings or to get out of doing something, but the bigger lies come when people probe about their past. It's pretty obvious they don't want people to know about who they used to be, and the bigger the secret the bigger the lie they tell to keep others off their tail.

12. Have they ever been in love?

Plenty of times! Enough to count on a few hands. It's infatuation that strikes them most often, but they have been serious on occasion too.

13. What do they dislike about themself? Why?

They dislike how weak they can often be, as well as how easy it is to take advantage of them sometimes. It drives them to take the easy way out of difficult situations no matter the cost.

14. What is something they love about themself?

They love their body! All the little details from the way their hair curls, the blue of their eyes, their stature, etc. They're very comfortable, proud, and happy being themselves! 

I think this is the first character I've ever made who wouldn't want to change anything about their body for any reason :'D

17. What do they dream about, when their dreams are their own?

Beyond gold and riches, they dream about travelling to destinations both new and old, discovery, and about what stories they'll tell when they're old.

23. How do they feel about nicknames, titles, or labels that have been given to them? How do they feel about their name?

Nicknames are encouraged, but only between close friends and significant others! They don't have any titles or labels because they're not quite that infamous. Everyone who knows them refers to them by their first name, and that's what they're comfortable with because it's what they're used to!

As for how they feel about their name, they don't have strong opinions either way. It's the name they grew up with so they can't just toss it aside, but it has bad things attached to it as well. I'd say they think it's a ledger of all their (mis)deeds, and that's about it.

27. How do they mourn?

They carry on. But they swear to do better.

42. What are three words they would use to describe themself?

Confident, gorgeous, and amicable!

44. What do they need to learn?

To stop sticking their nose into trouble.

50. Can they sing? Can they dance?

Yes, Flint can sing and sings often! They will occasionally busk for lodging funds if they are ever scarce a few dollars, and have a very soothing voice that ensures at least a few people will toss them some coins. As for dancing, it's not something they're interested in, but you could always coax it out of them you can promise you'll be a good dance partner :)c

56. What animal do they most relate to?

Probably a dog? Fiercely loyal and trusting, but with a good nose (figuratively) for who they should let in on their vulnerabilities to.

57. What makes them angry?

Injustice, and the ideology that law and order outweighs the importance of the human condition. 

59. What is a quiet passion of theirs?

While not exactly quiet, they have a passion for music! Singing and playing the guitar is one of their favourite pastimes.

61. What kind of flower would they choose to pick from a meadow?

This is impractical, and they also aren't exactly found in meadows, but they would go for sunflowers. Something big and bold and bright!

63. What fight has scared them the most?

They haven't gotten there yet in the story I'm building around them, but any fight where someone almost dies and they're powerless to help is always terrifying! :^)

67. What makes them laugh?

Clever jokes, outrageous stories, and the thrill that comes from doing something dangerously stupid and getting away with it.

Tangle

3. What is their goal right now?

Two things: serve their unfathomable god to the best of their abilities, and get sweet, delicious revenge on the fishermen that almost killed him. The former is his current priority, because he knows he has plenty of years to hunt down his would-be murderers. Revenge is a dish to be savored :3c

5. Do they follow a higher power? What are their thoughts on divinity?

Before he met his patron the only thing he was concerned about was surviving. There's no time for gods when you're eking out a poor life in some nowhere village, after all!

After meeting his patron, there is honestly nothing in this world he could devote more time and attention to. So their relationship with higher powers and divinity etc all are attached by one string to a single entity!

11. What skills are they proficient in? Why?

Arcana, religion, and insight for obvious reasons! However he's also proficient in intimidation, because while he may look like a sweet boy he's actually kind of creepy (in an insane cultist kind of way), and that's sufficiently off putting enough that he can be rather intimidating.

18. Do they see themself as a leader or a follower?

lmao… definitely a follower.

21. Do they follow their head, their heart, or their body?

HMMM, I am not too sure about this yet, but probably his heart! He seems like he would be easily emotionally driven.

30. What do they seek out from others?

Open-mindedness! People who would be -cough- willingtosubmittotheoldgods -cough- -cough- I mean, people who won't judge him for his faith.

40. Do they enjoy poetry?

Nope! Not that he's had any exposure to the arts, though. I guess it would be more accurate to say he doesn't have an opinion :'D

44. What do they need to learn?

That he's not special, and his devotion to his god means barely a thing. He has in his mind this idea that he's some kind of glorious, special vessel through which his patron does its dark bidding, but in reality he's just a pile of meat labeled "minion." Until he learns that awful truth, he's got an ego about his position.

51. What is the most beautiful thing in the world, for them?

The rotten bones of shipwrecks stuck deep in the sand. They're a good source of materials, a home for the night, and they make lovely silhouettes against stormy seas.

59. What is a quiet passion of theirs?

It's done out of necessity, but they enjoy sewing up and mending clothes! 

61. What kind of flower would they choose to pick from a meadow?

Nothing specific, just any bud or bloom he can find :'D

64. Do they value mercy or justice more?

Probably justice! Although he's indifferent to things that happen to others, he is technically seeking justice for what happened to him, in his own… special way.

Cadma

11. What skills are they proficient in? why?

Athletics, performance and acrobatics because he's an active, swole boi! As well as that he's proficient in stealth and slight of hand because he is a smooth criminal, and he's also proficient in religion for a reason I cannot fathom or remember the reason for. 

19. What haunts them? What doesn’t?

Like most of my characters… the past lol… specifically, the people he's abandoned on a whim, and more pressingly his former captain, who kind of wants to spill his guts :')

What doesn't haunt him is his decisions to leave. In every instance he's left people he's found himself in a grander adventure, and he's thankful and at peace with those life decisions!

Essentially, he has the mentality that people only stay in your life for part of the journey. There’s no such thing as a lifelong partner or friend, so while he does remember people he’s left behind he thinks that charting his own course in life is more important that unbreakable bonds.

30. What do they seek out from others?

Damn good company! If you're an interesting person in any capacity Cadma will probably take a shine to you. He can't stand a stagnant lifestyle, and wants to surround himself with people who will bring adventure into his life.

36. What’s a secret they’ve kept?

It's not exactly a huge secret or anything, and anyone with eyes can tell because he has scales, but Cadma is very hush hush about his dragon ancestry and blood. It's caused him no end of troubles and he'd really rather people see him as a person rather than the inheritor of a rare bloodline.

48. What do they see in their future?

Adventure, and lots of it. Maybe a couple near death experiences too, which he is not so keen on but it comes with the job :')

53. Which is more frightening to them: day or night?

Night. Visibility is low and it's too quiet. Fires burn too bright. You have to let your guard down eventually. 

It's not a fun time.

64. Do they value mercy or justice more?

Definitely mercy! Cadma believes in second chances, and sometimes thirds. He's needed his fair share of them, so everyone else deserves chances too

69. How would they describe their party members?

Good fun and better friends! He's never been with people so easy to latch onto emotionally, and MAN is he attached to them…

---

Thank you so much for the ask, ilu!! It's so much fun talking about my characters, I love them a lot and the opportunity to get it off my chest has been really nice uwu

I am still accepting asks! And I finally have a page with links to my character's tags, in case anyone wants to peruse!

pwease... talk to me...

[courier-sux]

Get to know me

indirectly tagged by @its-sixxers​ thank you for enabling me

i really haven’t posted much about myself on here so in case you were curious, here you go (also quarantine has me bored af)

Who What were you named after? ‘Vega’ is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra, and the 5th brightest star in the night sky (technically my middle name, but its what I go by on here)

Last time you cried? few days ago 😬rough times y’all

Do you like your handwriting? it’s alright, could be better but could be worse

What is your favorite lunch meat?  roast beef

Longest relationship? my current one, coming up on 3 months (haven’t really had the mental capacity for relationships until now)

Do you still have your tonsils? ye

What is your favorite kind of cereal? god i love many cereals but if i had to pick one, probably frosted flakes

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no it’s just extra WORK (though some of my shoes i literally can’t get off unless i untie them)

Do you think you’re strong willed? yeah i’m pretty stubborn

Favorite Ice Cream? cookies and cream, chocolate chip cookie dough, or pralines and cream

What is the first thing you notice about a person? uhh… probably their height

Football or baseball? baseball, i’ve actually been to a few A’s games with my brother (sibling bonding time woo)

Favorite donut? regular glazed or ones with chocolate frosting

Last thing you ate? hoisin shrimp + rice

What are you listening to? my jackal playlist bc this is all i do now

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? i wanna say a dark teal

What is your favorite smell? rain, fresh bread, vanilla

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my mom

Hair color? uhh like a light brown/dark blonde

Eye color? greeeen

Favorite food to eat? anything sweet, i love desserts

Scary movies or happy ending?  happy endings, i hate scary movies lmao

Last movie you watched in a theater?: the rise of skywalker

What color shirt are you wearing? it’s like a floral camo, but mostly green

Favorite holiday?: christmas

Beer or wine?: both gross imo but wine if i had to choose

Night owl or morning person? absolutely a night owl

Favorite day of the week? Friday

Favorite animal? so many… probably tigers or servals

Do you have a pet? a cat named Katya and i’d die for her

tagging any of you who wanna do it, this is kinda personal so don’t feel forced obvs

[crvelsovls]

—

delphine laurent has been seen walking around town. hazelgrove is familiar of the twenty-nine year old demon as she is against restoring the town’s glamour spell. the people of hazelgrove can agree that the dancer can be poised yet still be destructive. let’s just hope something can be settled before the town is turned upside town. + rose gold highlighter shimmering along the height of prominent cheekbones, black satin dresses draped over a svelte frame and blood-red roses in a vase on the window sill.

why, hellooo there !! i’m chrissie and i’m super duper excited to be here !! this here is the first of my gals ; delphine aka my sassy lil demon child fkhfjh she’s kinda a newish muse so pls bear with me while i navigate this chaotic hellcat lmao anywaysss i’m utter plot trash so feel free to slap a lil heart on this and i’ll come pester you for plots n all that good stuff !! : )

FUNDAMENTALS.

full name. delphine athena laurent.

nicknames. del, & della.

physical age. twenty-nine.

actual age. three hundred and fifty seven.

birthday. unknown.

gender. cisgender female.

pronouns. she / her.

species. demon.

nationality. unknown.

religion. agnostic.

birthplace. unknown.

current residence. hazelgrove, me.

sexual orientation. pansexual.

romantic orientation. aromantic.

education. psychology degree.

occupation. dancer at purgatory.

CONNECTIONS.

birth mother. unknown.

birth father. abraxas.

full blood siblings. unknown.

significant other. n/a.

children. n/a.

pets. n/a.

PROFICIENCIES.

spoken languages. english, spanish, french, italian, german, & russian.

negative traits. brusque, obstinate, destructive, deceptive, & promiscuous.

positive traits. elegant, headstrong, observant, independent, & confident.

strengths. etiquette, resourcefulness, knowledgeable, quick-thinker, original, brainstorming, charismatic, & energetic.

weaknesses. argumentative, insensitive, intolerant, finds it difficult to focus, & dislikes practical matters.

skills. skilled with blades and various knives, skilled with firearms, hand-to-hand combat, memory recall, physical stamina, able to use initiative, & excellent problem-solving abilities.

talents. violin, dancing, & photographic memory.

APPEARANCE.

eye colour. green.

hair colour. dark brown.

height. five feet, five inches.

weight. 61 kg.

build. she is considered average height for a female and is both slender and toned.

scars. a rather noticeable one across her clavicle and a few others in less visible places.

tattoos. n/a.

piercings. earlobes.

glasses. n/a.

MISCELLANEOUS.

zodiac. unknown.

element. fire.

house. slytherin.

myers briggs type. entp-a.

alignment. chaotic neutral.

enneagram. type eight.

temperament. choleric

intelligence type. intra-personal.

character label. the vixen.

diseases. n/a.

past mental disorders. post-traumatic stress disorder, & acute stress disorder.

current mental disorders. undiagnosed.

addictions. tobacco, cocaine, & alcohol.

vices. lust, greed, & wrath.

virtues. temperance, diligence, & humility.

allergies. n/a.

diet. carnivore.

dominant hand. ambidextrous.

accent. american.

blood type. o negative.

felonies. petty theft charge when she was fifteen. she also has a history of both kleptomania, & pyromania when she was a teenager.

vehicle. red 1966 shelby 427 cobra.

BACKGROUND.

trigger warning(s). mention of death, mention of imprisonment, & mention of murder.

although the region of her birth remains a mystery to delphine, she knows for certain that her parentage is a complex story. the by-product of a human mother and a demonic father, delphine entered this world destined for a life of chaos and disarray. though she never knew her mother, her father had been thrilled by the sheer idea of having a child he could mould and shape into the pitch-black soul he desired her to be, minus the influence of a mortal. indeed, the demon abraxas had big plans for his little girl, plans she grew to work against despite her father’s best efforts to rein her in.

the instant little delphine began to display her powers, make use of her abilities and disobey daddy dearest, the girl was locked in her room. a room that contained every possible thing that a child could want. for the first few years of her life, delphine was homeschooled by a demon under her father's command. while her father made sure she had wanted for nothing, the older she grew the deeper she desired to explore the world  and her capabilities. one fateful night, the girl managed to escape her father's abode; used her enhanced speed and endurance to run far into the dark night. of course, it wasn't long until her father's demonic henchmen were on her tail, dragging her back to her prison. delphine knew her father gave her the best life possible but she also knew that there were ulterior motives behind his kindness.

eventually, delphine proved to defy her father to breaking point resulting in him having her shipped off to an all-girls boarding school. during her schooling years there, her father sparsely visited or, instead, often sent one of his subservient demons to check in with his daughter in his place. then, after a long period of time, the visitations ceased; the last thing delphine heard was that her father had wound up entangled with a couple of hunters.

delphine deemed this both a blessing and a curse. a curse as all she'd known was her father's rule. a blessing as she was finally free to lead her own life; make her own choices and follow her own path. she wasted no time in graduating from the academy before deciding to move to new york city where she found herself enrolled in new york university, undertaking a psychology degree.

still, with no word from her father or his servants, a small element of delphine continued to look over her shoulder in fear that they would creep back into her life. perhaps her father’s involvement with the hunters had ended in disaster. or perhaps he’d simply given up on his daughter fulfilling the prophecy he placed upon her. though the latter seemed unlikely to her, delphine wasn’t entirely sure if she truly cared enough to give any of it a second thought.  

after her graduation, she was cornered by a demon who claimed to work for her father. it soon became apparent that her father had vanished, seemingly having fell off the face of the earth altogether, and that this demon had stepped in to fill his shoes. naturally, the demon was trying to recruit delphine into the fold once more but refusing to take no for an answer had deadly consequences for this other demon.  

having killed the new ruler of her father’s faction, delphine made her way across various states until she would up in hazelgrove where she laid low for the first year. after a while, she began working in purgatory as a bartender until she decided she wanted to be front and centre stage, ending up becoming a dancer. 

while delphine isn’t fond of the idea of serving demons, she isn’t utterly opposed to working alongside them nor using her demonic powers. delphine can be a ruthless, callous creature who most definitely doesn’t exist to serve anybody or bend to the will of anyone.

PERSONALITY.

the semblance of delphine can only be accurately encapsulated by ribbed turtlenecks and skin-tight jeans with red-bottomed heels. the air of her seemingly callous persona epitomised by the ease of narcissism and offhand sardonic quips accompanied by a playful grin. delphine is the perfect balance of an elegant, self-assured woman and an intelligent, artful creature; effortlessly displaying only a rare sum of her persona, the elements of her she wishes others to see while concealing all the other elements of herself she deems less than favourable. one’s initial opinion of delphine might be that she appears cold, the kind of person who wouldn’t blink while grasping any opportunity to cut you down only to build herself up. delphine couldn’t be farther removed from her childhood self. every inch, every last detail of the once bright-eyed young girl has been broken down and reshaped into the icy-glared creature who lives today. life strengthened her, shaped her into a careless adaption of who she once was; a woman who stands her ground and speaks up for herself and what she believes in, never fearing the consequences of her actions.

QUICK FACTS.

owns waaay too many pairs of heels.

her signature look is her blood-red lips.

often wears suits and totally rocks them.

extremely skilled with knives and blades. always carries one on her person at all times.

has never been in love or had her heart broken.

although she wears a lot of red, black is actually her favourite colour. she feels her most powerful in an all-black outfit.

her most prized possession is her brushed chrome zippo. it has her initials engraved on it and where she got it or from who is something she’ll never tell.

always seen with a cigarette in hand. she seriously chain smokes. always says she needs to quit but never does and probably never will either.

is very soft underneath and a lot more sensitive than she lets on but she’d rather die than expose this about herself.

has a history of both kleptomania and pyromania when she was a teenager.

has a felony of petty theft when she was fifteen.

has a psychology degree from nyu but never tells people about this.

drives way too fast but loves the thrill of it.

is aromantic. believes she doesn’t have the capacity to love.

can speak quite a few different languages though she never usually makes use of this.

she can be pretty deadly if you piss her off enough.  

thrives on chaos.

a tad theatrical.

is truly an independent woman who don’t need no man.

her drink of choice is vodka tonic.

WANTED PLOTS.

for wanted connections and potential plots, i’m open to anything and everything. seriously, throw any idea at me and if it has angst, i’m a million per cent there !! however, some connections i’d love to see delphine have are :

a confidant / friendship.

a best pal.

an unlikely supernatural creature who turns out to be her friend.

of course, fellow demons.

a potential love interest.

past or present flings / hookups / fwb / one night stands.

frenemies or plain ole enemies.

clashing personalities.

somebody she often spends time with, most likely drinking with.

[forthebetterevil]

the fattest personal ramble i’ll ever post on this hellsite coz i need to get it out of my system

about heart flutters and confusion from an asexual who has yet to figure out (or is very close to figuring out through this ramble?) her romantic orientation

okay so let me get this out of the way: i’m asexual. specifically autochorrisexual. shipping brings me joy and those nasty (but not TOO nasty...) E-rated fics are what i’m down for, but i balk at the thought of my own self being involved in any sex-related activity. i have never wanted to engage in sexual acts with anyone in my life, and i swear i have TRIED to think about it, daydream about it, to “test” if my mind can really fathom the act of sex upon my own body.... i can’t. my mind literally snuffs out the mental image of sex when i am the subject, as if it isn’t possible, and especially since i don’t desire it. (i’m pretty okay with imagining 2 OTHER people getting down on each other tho.) i’m asexual so i don’t actually know what sexual attraction is, but i did try to search a bit on what that feeling is, and i’m not gonna lie, i can’t relate a single bit fam, which further helps me solidify my asexual identity.

that solidification didn’t come easy. i had to go through countless rounds of considerations, to try to pick apart the str8 agenda that society and mass media have been feeding me for as long as i lived. but once i realised this label worked far better for me than any other label in the lgbtq spectrum, i was like, yes! i found it! i found me. and i have never found anything contradictory to the label that i found for my sexuality. so that’s gr8 m8 8/8 coz that gave me the feeling of security of knowing myself, and i could read up on similar experiences through other asexual people online and not feel like i’m just immature for my age or whatever crap people think of asexuals (i didn’t read what aphobes on tumblr have to say because why would i want to make myself upset when i’m just living my life...).

whoops i rambled but YEAH SO I’M ASEXUAL. (thanks tumblr for introducing this concept to me, for once, because without tumblr i would just be confused and irritated i’m not feeling things that i “should”)

as some of you might know, if you’ve done some digging about your sexuality, a common theme that pops up in explanations is the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. i already got the latter nailed down, hooray for me.

what’s romantic attraction then? this question would push me down the rabbit hole and end in me still pummelling but now into a bottomless water body where the surface i hit is the question, “what’s LOVE, then?”

i lazily decided i wouldn’t need to deal with romantic attraction if i never experienced it, so i just didn’t define my romantic orientation. lol. i mean, i only had a crush once in my life and that was when i was 9-years-old but that little “infatuation” lasted for about 10 years because that’s how fixated i get on things (and as it turns out, people) i favour LMAO so...?? during the period of my asexuality discovery and general maturation, i figured i only liked him for that long because of the IDEA of what i THOUGHT he was like --- i didn’t speak to him for extended periods of time during those 10 years, so clearly who my heart wants isn’t him, but just what i thought he would be like (something like the “perfect man”, but mixed in with his “flaws” i knew i could tolerate, because he’s human too and i try to be reasonable).

and it was also then that i learnt Love was a Choice. SO. i let go. i still look up to him and stuff, but i’m not going to let that millennium-long crush take up unnecessary space at the back of my mind anymore.

i was putting my bets on grayromantic or demiromantic, but this time i wasn’t, and couldn’t be, as sure of my identification as i was when i knew i was asexual. i don’t know. i can’t say it’s because i yearn for affection because frankly speaking i can go without it, i can be quite detached and can remain that way for a long time. maybe it’s because i didn’t want to dismiss the possibility of experiencing a (generally) positive feeling poets wax lyrical about. i mean nothing wrong if you’re aromantic, but i felt like i had the CAPACITY to love romantically. whatever that meant.

k i’ve rambled enough. long story short, someone new caught my eye (not literally lmao looks ain’t shit to me), and i don’t know what to make of it. so here’s my confusion.

(pardon me for coming off like a 13-year-old with a crush, but i legitimately thought about all this shit over the past few weeks)

his personality is lively and charming (to me!). his humour isn’t totally in sync with mine, but i can still chuckle along. he’s not a toxic hetero dude (yeah low bar but i just had to put it out there), he supports the LGBTQ+ community (i don’t know his sexual orientation but it doesn’t matter to me). he has Intellectual Opinions that aren’t obnoxious or are spewed to seem like a smartass or edgelord. he puts effort into his endeavours, he has a good attitude in general. oh and here’s the best part: i can’t properly gauge if i caught HIS eye, but if i did, he’s not showing it in creepy ways that other boys have. (small example: we all stay in something like a hostel. i offer to buy a snack from the convenience store for this dude who happened to be studying in a common area on my level at 2am (lol what’s a sleep schedule m’pals), because i’m going to go there at that very moment. mind you this dude and i have only recently been acquainted. dude says no thanks. i’m like okay. i go to the convenience store. i picked my items from the shelf, turn around, and BAM, HE’S RIGHT THERE. “um didn’t you say you didn’t want anything?” “oh no i just thought of following you here. it’s late.” you think it’s sweet or some shit but no because the convenience store is located within the university grounds and our country has one of the lowest crime rates ever so the reason he was giving was pretty illogical, no one does this shit. now i’m socially obligated to feel thankful for your chivalry or some shit??? i hate that. these dudes don’t ever fucking consider the context of chivalry before acting on it, did you legitimately think i would be comfortable and safer with you, a mere acquaintance, “accompanying” me to the store. ugh. ok whoops i digressed.)

here i admit, my heart flutters when i see him. so now i ask myself... is this infatuation, or do i legitimately want to be in a romantic relationship with him? wait, what’s a romantic relationship? WAIT, WHAT IS LOVE? (tw1ce kpop fans gtfo of my post lmao)

i proceed to analyse my behaviour towards him to try to determine if it’s legitimate romantic attraction. heart flutter, check. stumble over words, check. spew dumb shit in front of him, check. try to subtly catch his attention in a group setting, check. actually play along with his teasing, check. actually initiating conversations with him with HIM as the subject, check. (please note that after one too many creepy dudes’ advances after i try to be friendly and open and bubbly and polite because that’s just how i am, i consciously made an effort NOT to ask questions about THEM in any conversation i had to engage in with them because i frankly dgaf about their lives and i don’t want to make them think i did. i only used to ask out of courtesy because they asked me something first. but now i’m like fuck that. in my current situation, i actually still do not really care about what he does if it doesn’t concern me LMAO, but i ask just to give the impression that i do.) wishing i could see him for one more time, check.

BUT WAIT! i could wave that away with the explanation that i’m infatuated with him. i don’t know what romantic attraction REALLY is, but i’m going to take a leap of faith and guess it entails stuff like, do i want him to be my confidante and vice versa, do i want to hang out with him at the end of a long day - is that more tiring for me, or is that going to be rejuvenating, etc etc i’m basically basing my expectations of a romantic relationship on behaviours of a happily and healthily married couple, which i suppose COULD be misguided, but i don’t know any better...

so, do i?

but FUCK, BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. i don’t know my own preference. “um yeah that’s why you date, to get to know the other person better and shit” ssSSHHH!! i don’t jump into Big Things like relationships unless i’m REALLY sure it’s not going to end in a disaster (plus depleted social capital that i could’ve avoided depleting... ugh We Live In A Society)

right now the issue i’m griping about isn’t whether i’m gonna end up happily ever after with him. i’m venting my confusion here because i don’t know how seriously i should take these feelings towards another person. it’s occupying a LOT of space in my mind and it’s honestly getting in the way (mental effort, time, focus) and i have other things to do. i just want peace of mind.

confusing emotions are useless.

[whetstonefires]

d gray man liveblog part 5! (part 1)(part 2)(part 3)(part 4)

Love the amount of personality Allen conveys by code-switching into different formality levels. the translators here are doing an excellent job conveying that, though i suspect the foul language there could have been legitimately punched up.

asserting that his oath to mana and the love that underlies it are his even though he can’t know that is...what makes Allen main character material i guess.

XD I want to ask when ‘being a total maniac with a personality whose internal contradictions are never entirely resolved’ became the shounen protagonist standard but i’m paging through mentally and it basically goes all the way back.

Ashita no Joe was like this. it’s always been like this. only the details change.

I will give Cross Marian .3 points for the possibility he predicted that offering Allen no mercy would inspire him to pull out his hardshell rage against the whole situation rather than crumpling under the weight.

stg allen walker is composed of 93% layered trauma like fine lacquerware and 4% mental invasion. the remaining 3% of his personality is what’s subject to contest. when XIV exceeds 7% encroachment is when shit is going to get real.

oh woo there is Politics afoot and Bookman is...actually intimidated by them, that scares me.

also he and Lavi keep conversing through thought bubbles and i can’t tell if we’re meant to understand they have a telepathic link or this is just an idiosyncratic method of indicating whispers.

lavaliere thinks allen is funny. or that komui’s attempts to reframe shit in allen’s favor are funny.

he’s not actually wrong that the XIVth can’t be trusted, but you want to insist he is wrong somehow because he’s already demonstrated that his standards for treatment of people who even might be compromised are inhumane as fuck.

i want to keep making Pope jokes but the recurring phrase ‘the central government’ just. it really does emphasize how much this organization is modeled on a modern Japanese concept of hierarchy rather than an early-modern European one.

...i am reminded that early European accounts of Tokugawa Japan recorded the shogun as the Emperor and the Emperor as the Pope.

labubibir just smirks when komui asks if his unilateral ‘we’ll tell everyone all about this in the morning’ decision has the pope’s imprimatur behind it.

srsly if we get to a twist that the current Pope is like. an animated corpse or a stuffed bear or a wooden statue or something run by a committee, i’m not even going to be shocked.

oh look it’s Link in that outrageous papal magic ninja getup. XD the role of Timcampi in this story is so weird. and great. he’s like. magic floating R2D2 stg, only if Luke threw R2 at Yoda’s head at some point.

...the point would be when Yoda actually explained about Vader before Vader could, but did it in the most assholish and unhelpful way possible

which you know i would believe would have happened.

Cross Marian it is so completely in character for you to turn up dead and thus useless at such a politically vital moment i almost don’t believe you’ve actually been killed.

only the fact that you actually shared significant information last night makes it seem reasonably likely this is not a fake death.

the disappearing body is a good trick. the guards sleeping and not dead is suggestive either way.

i like the juxtaposition that made it look link Link was blowing shit up by playing chess. (instead it is the marginally less ridiculous ‘playing chess at the site of a battle while ignoring the fighting’)

are those things even akuma? they’re fighting them in a graveyard and either the fight is non-serious enough or the chess is important enough that Miranda’s multi-tasking...

if she needs to use reverse on the board then presumably it...got spilled? but then they could just memorize the positions and let her let it go...

lol yeah okay allen scold the monster for its lack of manners toward a lady.

lmaoooo okay the chess was to win an Innocence-infused ring back from the ghost of its chess-master previous owner! normal duties have resumed in spite of the massive loss of personnel and allen’s identity issues, and apparently Link is now contributing to team efforts. this won’t divide his loyalties at all of course.

the chessboard didn’t decay with the ghost, so i still don’t know what Miranda was reversing time on it for.

+1 sassy old lady.

wow they’re actually building Order operations around use of the Ark, which only Allen can pilot. i guess anyone can use the doors he’s established so once he’s got a solid network running they can axe him but....

...Miranda it is rude to crush on a priest, though he has very pretty hair. (i mean, i’m assuming he’s catholic, since he’s with the Order, which works for the Pope. all indications really are that England is a catholic country in this universe.)

...it’s also a country where the Noahs are installed at high levels of government I don’t understand how no one in the Order has noticed that.

‘even if only for the moment’ ffffffffs link shut the fuck up.

...if anyone is inexplicably reading this without familiarity with the media property involved and picturing the hero from Legend of Zelda when i yell at link, please continue doing that, it’s basically correct except for being wrong in almost every particular.

oh good grief. So, they actually agreed with me about ‘can’t get rid of Allen’ for all the reasons i stated! they just announced to everyone he knows that they have an ongoing mission to kill him if he goes rogue.

that’s entirely reasonable, really, though depressing, but they had to be so viciously dehumanizing about getting there! wtf. “our very own pet noah” imma wring your throat.

...ten years has made Miranda Lott so much more relatable but never more than in this moment where she’s reminding herself she’s the only actual adult in this group.

also really feeling Allen’s “I don’t understand anything, but time keeps moving on.”

Holy shit the guy who knew Kanda when he was a small person now counts as foreshadowing of horrible things to come.

...how long have they left the bloodstained shattered window unrepaired so Rebeliel can sit here staring at it?

i don’t know whether i’m more focused on how absurd it is that this man does fancy baking (19th century! powerful! man!) or how terrifying it is that he’s offering Allen a slice of cake.

lmao apparently Reever is not a typical example of his role, probably because Komui isn’t. in fact, i don’t think i previously realized the ‘section’ he’s ‘chief’ of is the hq science section, because Komui acts like he’s Head of Mad Science and leaves Reever to be his chief minion.

also, this poor woman. her brother got horribly murdered working with these people and it traumatized them and now they’re treating her as a replacement goldfish because she looks just like him. that’s messed up on so many levels, though presumably she’s at least moderately okay with being misgendered or she’d dress differently. it being the 19th century and all.

...also i can’t tell if she’s meant to be a very pale black woman or if hoshino just did a ‘fat person’ character design around racist caricature visual tropes, but she’s got the blackface lip outline and a dreadlock ponytail, so welp.

wow Cross’ disappearance just gets more mysterious even as the evidence of his death mounts.

oh never mind Lebubble says it was definitely his bosses but he’s concerned because he was left out of the loop.

hmm okay that’s two women getting instant crushes on pretty boys and two relatively minor cases of sexual harassment in three chapters, all four times intended as humor, do not like this trend.

hmm now a trans woman being used as a visual gag. i’ve seen worse uses of this trope, but ugh.

the Ganimard expy is funny, tho. the amount of personality conveyed in a few pages is reliably high.

...i feel like he’s pointedly not given his prisoners any changes of clothes in order to maintain the illusion that it makes some kind of sense for there to be an entire gang of phantom thief that gets caught every single time.

that doesn’t actually explain why they’re all still wearing the outrageous hat.

aaaaand back to allen’s identity crisis.

wow, on the one hand cross is pressuring him from beyond the grave not to rely on Mana’s memory because that’s not his real self, but on the other hand he has to seriously consider that his recent lapses in the formality adopted in imitation of Mana were even less himself and in fact the result of a hostile alien consciousness breaking through.

haha this heist scenario is so exactly like a Magic Kaito one I’m guessing that’s a deliberate allusion and not just shared Phantom Thief tropes. (Though how do you tell in a genre like this, Ganimard-Nakamori-Galmar lmao.)

...the thematic element of speech-mode equating identity is really nicely used but lmao sticking out the tongue has sufficiently different connotation in Japan to make this possession sequence weirder than intended. which was already pretty weird.

daaaaamn link’s papal ninja moves are finally seeing some use. also way to signal your real identity bodysnatcher kid, allen’s like sixteen, an adult would definitely not call him niichan.

wow you can even use his papal ninja paper magic! somehow! that is a really high-tier bodysnatching skill. also lol of course kanda can recognize a papal ninja crow by skillset.

i am a huge fan of allen’s capacity for headgames.

oh my goodness is he seriously donating all the money from his thefts to an orphanage? specifically the orphanage where he lives?

and again with the boob grab.

...allen walker weeping that he’s bleeding is quite the hilarious sight but come to think of it if he can’t hold off one random crybaby bodysnatching kid his odds against XIV don’t look that hot, eh?

oh no evil undead nun.

oh that’s a great idea, ask komui for advice about what to do in the situation that an exorcist and his guardians are rejecting summary kidnapping. it’s not like he devoted his entire life to regaining contact with his sister after the Order kidnapped her.

oh no it’s another hideous potbellied angel monster and they’ve figured out how to jam allen’s curse radar. that curse was a present from his dad you bastards!

...mana was a really weird person.

you know link, i’m pretty sure from you that was protectiveness.

oh! a twist! the nun is evil without being an undead monster!

meanwhile the nice nun and all the orphans have been turned into puppets.

daaaaamn the Papal Ninja Paper Magic is good stuff! why don’t they teach it to more of their staff, maybe they wouldn’t have such high turnover.

...Kanda just referred to Noise Marie as ‘she’ but I’m pretty sure that’s a translation error based on the fact that his surname is ‘Marie’ and ‘Noise’ sounds like a descriptor based on his hearing-based power rather than a first name.

it would frankly be awesome if Noise Marie were a woman, but considering the only two not-conventionally-boobalicious and also not elderly female characters we’ve had were minor visual gags (plus i guess Miranda during her initial nervous breakdown), and that hoshino was genuinely startled people thought Jasdero was a woman, presumably because of the lack of visible breasts, i reallllllllly think she would be unlikely to design a huge bald muscle woman, let alone treat her with this much casual respect, let alone while writing her as gay.

regardless, if Noise Marie actually dies imma be so mad. not that me being mad has had a perceptible affect on the death rate--though Kanda and Krory did survive the Ark Battle Arc so maybe i do have power. or rather we collectively as readers do.

hah he cut his own fingers off with wire, badass.

allen’s talent for inspiring compassion claims another victim in Bodysnatcher Timothy and holy cow Emilia The Nice Middle Class Girl is here with a handgun to menace the giant monsters, nice.

i mean, they’re not very menaced, but she’s shooting them anyway, because fuck you.

...holy shit that’s a powerful ability. the fact that it leaves his real body vulnerable is kind of a major drawback even with good teammates, but wow. also for some reason his Innocence has its own consciousness???

which can pilot his body for him while he’s walkabout, how helpful!

Bonne the the translady prison boss has joined the count of girls who see a cute guy and get an instant crush recently, but for some reason she’s really into Reever? I mean, he’s good-looking, sure, but he’s not one of The Pretty Boys.

Just realized that part of what’s vibing so weird is, this is a shounen series, but the specific way it juxtaposes elements of extreme shittiness with elements of brilliant concept and execution is more shoujo in style.

sameface isn’t normally a big issue in this series but Link-with-his-bangs-blown-back looks confusingly similar to Timothy’s Innocence Spirit, whom Timothy identified as his adult self with startling ease.

kneeling there out of options thinking you’re going to die and you dedicate your last thought to revellier, link? really??? that’s extremely sad. did he actually do anything to earn your loyalty or is this just brainwashing?

I feel like last time through I failed to absorb the political implications of the Order having managed to put together agents who can stop a Level 3 akuma with their hands and then eat it. with their hands. i think they’ve been spliced with akuma, because ‘nothing human can get through this barrier.’

Lenalee going one-v-one on a Level 3 was a nigh-self-destruct big deal a couple of months ago. This isn’t just sloppily managed shounen power creep this is the obsolescence of the excorcists.

which in theory would be a good thing, but the way these guys are made has to be awful and our main characters were already disposable enough in the eyes of their masters.

At least Allen’s getting Power Creep too! New tactic: drop sword. Stab enemy in the back with it while standing in front of them because it’s still part of your body somehow.

oh good grief allen you saw what happened to tiki myk! how did you not see this coming. ughhhhhhh. i know why. your current life plan is to Denial so damn hard the universe breaks your way. this is your god letting you know she’s not going to indulge that touching optimism.

i think it shocked me the first time, but i’m not sure anymore.

yeah, deeply counter-productive course of action.

...i’m now used to the way XIV uses Allen’s face but the akuma seeing him as a flaming skeleton monster i had forgotten about. wut?

with kanda it’s not a question of did he count on allen being able to dodge or did he not care if he stabbed him too, it’s both.

the cognitive dissonance of the story trying to treat Timothy joining the Order as a Good End to this episode, the same way it did back in early days when they recruited Miranda, when the prevailing atmosphere of the story has become one of institutional cruelty and corruption wherein the Order is a hellish slave-taking death trap that eats its people alive is just...fucking me up big time.

am i actually expected to accept the content here at face value?

...i mean, it’s a good end in that our heroes are spared having to forcibly kidnap him into indenture, but Emilia joining to look after him is just. It’s not funny or heartwarming or empowering.

we’ve recently gone over how komui doesn’t want lenalee to see his joining the Order for her as self-sacrifice even though it was, and also how much it fucks him up being accountable for how evil this organization is.

and not to be awful but lenalee’s his actual family and actually sweet, whereas timothy is a horrid brat with a habit of sexually harassing Emilia.

And that was before the war reached a point where we’re seeing 90% mortality.

don’t do this emilia. nooooooope.

on the upside, the nice nun and all the children survived somehow!

allen’s relationship with Link is weird.

i wonder if i was meant to be disturbed by how similar Mana’s body language was to the Earl’s for a second there?

okay so can we talk about how in this moment of extreme drama where Allen has sat up in bed possessed by evil, timcampi (who never communicates except via body language and is a floating orb) gets a speech bubble containing a picture of a toilet?

because it was really important to let the readers know that the little golem theorized that Allen needed to have a pee, in between cutting from the unsettling Symbolic Dream to the terrifying murder face.

and the thing is, it even kind of was! it contributes to the pace of the whole scene, it reminds us that timcampi is a conscious being with opinions even if he can’t communicate much, and is witnessing this incident. and yet. toilet.

the entire storytelling style of D. Gray Man revolves around creating cognitive dissonance and it does not suit my brain.

...i honestly don’t know what to think about Link being uncomfortable sharing a room with Lenalee flashing that much thigh, but i know i like him better for the fact that he let her drive him out of his own room by falling asleep on his bed, and just stood around in the hall like a chump waiting for her to finish her nap.

and he escalates from threatening allen with a formal complaint to threatening to tell komui he’s alone in a room with lenalee lmao.

he really is fitting right in.

oh hey. it wasn’t just timcampi who saw.

yes okay thanks for the tyki myk update good to know there are long-term consequences for running a noah through with Crown Clown.

aaaand North American Boobs Lady didn’t seem half this menacing last time she came up, but now she’s flanked by Hungry Hands Dude and his partner and komui is looking freaked out.

he does that a lot lately.

[cipherr]

TRIPLE THREAT also this is a lot but hopefully that’s fine ;3 Razhie: 6, 16, 40, 92; Sievve: 1, 23, 78, 86; Haveni: 9, 32, 44, 94 ! ♡

HOLY SHIT YOU DON’T MESS AROUND ok buckle the fuck up (again) :’D (also thank you so much i love how i can count on you to INDULGE

under the cut :’DD

Razhie’s first!

6. What do they like to wear?oooh man ok so, she definitely has different preferences depending on the situation (also She's Hot And She Knows It so that is used to her advantage a lot) so for basic infiltration she has her current outfit, which is that black body suit with the thin armor plating and knee-high boots. it allows for a lot of mobility with a very decent amount of protection, all while making her look like an Imperial that you don’t want to mess with (plus The Booty is A+) :’D and if she needs to look more commanding and intimidating, she’s happy to bust out that old high-collared chestplate with the long black cape, it’s definitely more conspicuous than her infiltration getup but more effective if she’s not doing a lot of actual spywork. in her downtime, she wears anything that’s snug and comfortable, and likely all black. black and gold is definitely Her Thing so that is her go-to if she’s, say, attending some lavish party for less-than-legitimate reasons :’D

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?THIS IS UNFORTUNATELY HER REALITY TOO MUCH OF THE TIME LMAO she becomes incredibly one-track-minded, because all of her mental capacity is focused on the task at hand. she’s not personable when she’s like this...like, at all...so trying to talk to her is like trying to talk to a wall. the best thing to do is just stay out of her way and let her accomplish her mission, because she won’t stop until she does. her patience is greatly reduced, and this is when she’s most likely to just shoot anyone that might be making things difficult, rather than try to be diplomatic about things.

40. Do they have any scars?HELL YEAH look you don’t live this long as a non-Force-using alien working for the Empire without getting banged up pretty bad :’) she’s been shot, stabbed, zapped by Sith lightning, operated on, tortured, shipwrecked, mauled by various alien fauna, buried alive, thrown from very high places on multiple occasions...it’s a wonder she has all her limbs intact. she doesn’t really have any extremely notable scars (yet...i can think of something that will be happening in her future tho lmao) rather her body is just kind of littered with various remnants of past battles. fortunately she’s been able to be patched up pretty quickly and efficiently, so none of them are particularly prominent, and you’d have to look pretty closely to even see them. but that, of course, can (and will) change :’D

92. What mood are they most often in?100% done :’D she’s Tired, had enough of everyone’s shit (in the Empire and otherwise) and generally just has no fucks left to give. it’s not that she’s bad-natured or anything, in fact she’s managed to get a dry sense of humor from the whole ordeal. she just doesn’t have time for anyone’s bullshit and she’s not afraid to make that known. she’s been through hell and back again, and betrayed more times than she’d care to count. all things considered...her attitude’s not bad LMAO

now for Sievve :D

1. What do they smell like?THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING QUESTION and i like it. Sievve is a very introspective person, and takes the meditation aspect of her daily routine very seriously. i’d imagine she keeps special oils, maybe that remind her of home or of Tython, that she uses when meditating in her chambers. it’s part of how she can stay so calm in all the chaos :’) her scents would probably remind you of the forests where she trained as a padawan, or maybe a dusty library (just filled with datacrons instead of books)all in all, i’d imagine she smells VERY NICE for a Jedi who’s so on-the-go with her saving-the-galaxy business, and all that :’D

23. Do they collect anything?since Jedi are ‘discouraged’ from keeping personal items and all, she doesn’t really collect much of anything, though i absolutely could see her keeping a stone from each planet she visits and lining her chambers with them. rather, she journals extensively, and uses a lot of her free time to catalog everything she learns about....well, everything :’) planets, species, cultures, histories, EVERYTHING. she values knowledge and learning and she’d spend entire days with the ancient noetikons that housed the old Masters and absorb everything they could possibly give her, if she could. all she wants out of her legacy is to pass on everything she’s learned to future generations. she firmly believes that a lot of conflict arises from lack of knowledge or understanding between peoples, so she hopes that through her life’s work she can prevent further conflicts from happening in the future, long after she’s gone. i love her ;w; so yeah, she collects knowledge, basically, and saves it all for future generations :3

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?awwww she’s just so damn good natured almost all the time while also being a reserved person, it’s almost kinda hard to imagine what she’d be like when she’s particularly happy :’D i just picture her as just....glowing, basically (not literally lmao) like her presence just radiates peace and calm and i think if she’s especially happy, it’s even more so, to the point where it’d probably be impossible to not be happy when you’re around her. SHE’S JUST SO GOOD -clutches chest-

86. Do they like sweet foods?yes, but she has the self-control to let sweets remain a delicacy :’D i think she’d prefer foods that are more aromatic, probably.

and lastlyyyyy, Haveni! c:

9. Describe the way that they sleep.HMM VERY INTERESTING QUESTION. she’s definitely a quiet sleeper, and probably doesn’t move around much, if at all. she’s also a light sleeper, and any movement or sound could wake her up, alert. she’s a very on-her-toes type of person :’D

32. Pet peeves?dishonesty, absolutely. as a Jedi, she’s pretty damn good at being able to tell when someone’s lying to her, and she’d much rather they just cut that shit out from the start, because it never gets anyone anywhere. also this is probably a bit big for just a ‘pet peeve’ but threatening anyone under her care/on her team/anyone innocent at all is probably the best way to get under her skin AS I KNOW YOU HAVE SEEN LMAO

44. Why might someone love them?hmmm i’m not sure if this question is meant to be like, ‘why would a character from this universe love them’ or ‘why would an actual irl person love this character’ SO since the first one is kinda hard to answer (she’s romancing Doc atm but i’m not invested in that romance or anything, i’m basically just doing it bc it’s there lmAO) i’m gonna go with the second? idk :’Dand this is also just HARD TO ANSWER because as of yet she’s still pretty undeveloped, and i can really only speak for myself....idk. i think she’s just very intriguing? like i’ve always been into the notion of ‘grey’ Jedi (but not in the edgelord kind of way lmao) and Haveni is my best avenue of exploring that. like i have all sorts of problems with the Jedi philosophy and code, and while the Sith aren’t any better--they’re just two extremes--i think a middle ground would be the best way to be, and if i were a Force-sensitive in this universe, that’s probably how i would conduct myself :’D because like, for every insufferable Sith, there’s probably another insufferable Jedi, just for different reasons. but of course, for Haveni, there’s really no place for someone like her in this era... she’s probably gonna end up leaving (or getting kicked out of) the Jedi Order, and i can’t exactly see her becoming a true Sith either. so basically: i love her because i love watching characters walking that thin morality line, especially in a world that has two philosophies that are so cut-and-dry and at war with one another, where doing what SHE FEELS is The Right Thing doesn’t always line up with how she was raised. Haveni and Sievve are like... my two absolute favorite ways to explore Jedi characters, so i basically just have a lot of fun with them :’3but also, at a more personal level: Haveni is well-intentioned, extremely protective, noble-hearted, and wants above all else to do the right thing...she’s just conflicted on how to get there, because her instincts often clash with her training. she will valiantly throw herself in harm’s way to protect the innocent without a moment of hesitation, and justice is one of her main motivations. i know i have my biases, but there are a lot of Things I Love that can be found in Haveni :’D (SORRY THIS ONE PARTICULAR ANSWER ENDED UP SO LONG LMAO i just rambled on and on but that word-vomit was actually very satisfying so yeah)

94. Outlook on life?actually, fairly positive! her situation may look pretty grim--and she has a LOT of hardships ahead of her, and she knows this--but she also has a lot of confidence in her strength and abilities. she’s an incredibly skilled fighter, and the whole thing with Scourge and the “i have waited three hundred years to see the face that came to me in a vision--your face” bit...she believes in destiny, and she knows that whatever her destiny has in store for her, she’s definitely not ordinary, and she has the best fighting chance at survival out of anyone she knows. she’s got that self-confident-and-just-sliiiiightly-cocky attitude, and she wants to be the hero...that’s really all i’ve got for her so far, so we’ll see how all of this goes down :’D it’s gonna be a trip, i’m sure.

PHEW THAT TOOK A WHILE but i had so much fun, thanks so much for asking, i could literally do this all day long :’DD YOU’RE THE BEST

[shepgarrus]

i remember really coming to like garrus when i saw a post about the comics, and how he’d been going to go on some exclusive off-world exchange or whatever as a teenager. because here he was being competent and high-achieving in canon even as a kid, and then the whole spectre-selection group (idrk anything my dudes lmao) from his performance once in the military. and just. fucking hell i guess there’s never been a character like that in any of the media i’ve liked? one that’s at the top of the class and achieves through competence and intelligence. because that was always me growing up, being the best and far ahead of everyone else and getting every opportunity except for the chance at having a friend who was an equal in basically any capacity. in high school there were people finally around my intellectual level, but all of them had come to the school with a best friend from their elementary school, save one girl but i found her annoying after like two weeks (we were probably too similar lmao).

i’ve since come to realize that i’m not best friend material and that it would be exhausting for me to ever have one, so at least there’s that. i can pretend in my head with garrus, even though i know we probably wouldn’t actually get along. i have no desire to do good for the sake of people, not to mention a sad fact i’ve recently realized: while sarcasm and teasing insults are my preferred dynamic in theory, in practise i can’t recognize them...like at all. i reread an old article i’d bookmarked about asperger’s and the recognition of expressions as expressions vs taking them literally, and i think i actually understood what they were trying to say the second time around, and boy am i noticing how much i fit what they described (i’m not diagnosed but that lets me tick another box on the lists lol), and i think my mom might be noticing my issues too. she’ll be teasing me not-seriously (or at least that’s what i think after the fact) but i’ll think she means what she’s saying but then i think she sees my blank expressions and clarifies that she was joking, which she never used to do. and then there was one similar incident in college with the one person i found in my year who conversed in sarcasm and absurdities the same way i do, and similar to how i imagine longer casual conversations with garrus would be, and my complete inability to tell if the guy was serious or not the one time we talked after our first conversation has made me realize that that sort of dynamic won’t work anywhere except my head or in fics, where i know from context how the jokes are meant, because it’s garrus and shepard.

but back to what i was saying earlier, about being a high-achiever: i still identify with it because that was my past and so still feels like the only reality i know, but now i’m feeling a huge disconnect because i’m not at that level anymore and can’t reach it. depression has taken my intelligence and my memory and my cognitive functions, not to mention my flawless emotional control (how do normal people function?????). i did some research a few days ago and it confirmed what i’d been thinking was the case: current depression treatment doesn’t try to touch cognitive deficiencies with a ten foot pole, even though they’re a diagnostic point and they’re shown to often persist past ‘remission,’ which is only measured by physical and emotional symptoms. how convenient that the one thing i used to keep my depression in check for over a decade without assistance is the one thing they can’t help me with. it’s also funny that i needed those cognitive functions to be able to do the emotion-related exercises they tout in cbt. thank god the medicine i’m on has me past that point now at least (fun fact: snri’s are more likely to help when there are cognitive issues than ssri’s. wish my doctor had known that, but then again she never seems to give a shit about my complaints of brain fog)

i still couldn’t get a clear answer on if cognitive issues are absolutely permanent (though it sure seems like a possibility), and some of the points the articles made are really making me realize that i need to consider that this may be permanent, that i won’t ever get back to normal. my normal is being a curse in itself, because with my reduced capabilities i’m apparently now around ~normal in thinking time and such (in some situations, don’t ask me to make a decision or plan lmao), so i’m pretty sure i’m being disbelieved by the therapy people that i’m actually having issues and that it’s not the ~depression making me think i’m a stupid piece of shit~ or what the fuck ever. and the research had me retroactively annoyed at the first place i went to, who wanted to charge me $500 to redo the psychoed assessment batteries i had done in grade ten when my mom was convinced i had add to see if my results had actually changed or if i was imagining my deficiencies (i can tell you right now that i’m not going to be scoring in the 98th percentile again on all that timed shit, not to even mention the writing component). basically show them if i’m telling the truth or not, so they could ‘figure out where to go from there.’ well apparently there would have been nowhere to go since there’s no fucking treatment for cognitive issues! there’s like one or two meds that might have some effect. that’s it.

being a smart kid my tendencies leaned towards complex and brain-engaging tasks, and the fact that all i may ever be able to manage is mundane and mindless is really hard to get my head around, not to mention the very idea is demoralizing as fuck (wow, bet that’s not good for long-term depression remission! too bad). i’m used to being able to solve any problem instantly, that’s how i learned to operate in the world and handle things i’m not good at (like conversations). not to mention the job i’m trained for has high intellectual demands which i was barely fucking handling by the end of college (and there, again, comes my issue of now being around normal - my severely handicapped still surpasses underachieving idiots, so it looks like there isn’t a problem even though i was barely functional by the time i passed my last test). i’ve been saying for the past year over and over that i can’t handle those intellectual demands with my brain as it is, but luckily some of the articles from my research that i bookmarked make the points i haven’t been able to put into words - that even a small decrease in cognitive functioning for someone in a high-demand job (they used the example of an air traffic controller) can be catastrophic, and that it needs to be recognized that those in depression remission but still suffering from cognitive deficiencies may need to keep to less complex jobs.

i’ve always felt a little off in this fandom because of everyone talking about how much they look up to shepard and are inspired by her. it would never have occured to me to look at her as an inspirational character, because it was so easy to see myself as her - always the best at what we do (except dancing. we have that in common too), like with garrus. and a lot of the like. personality/ways of thinking/reacting things they teach in the military were things i taught myself as a kid, and if i wasn’t so completely adverse to physical activity it’s probably an environment i’d have done well in. but knowing that i don’t have the mental endurance i used to, or the quick thinking, or anything that led me to reflexively identify with her, knowing that i’m not at that level now...it’s weird and i don’t like it, but i have no options because there’s no treatment. as one article i read closed off with, maybe in ten years there’ll be more research about cognitive deficiencies from depression and a full treatment, but until then, suffer.

[encoresencores]

girl crush (part 3)

But none of the many objects of my adolescent (and then teenage) obsessions were quite so untouchable as Celeste. With her, it was different — I didn’t long desperately to be her friend, but was content with gazing up, from a distance, to the pedestal I had set her upon.

I never knew her personally; I only knew of her, and that was enough. In school she was one of the lead Chinese dancers, and at every Chinese New Year or Teacher’s Day (or whatever uninspired drag of a special occasion’s) performance, the curtains rose on her standing front and centre. When the other girls filed off into the wings, she would emerge from the riff-raff, upstage in the spotlight, regal and delicately arranged like a flower as she remained on stage waiting to begin her solo; the calefare having dutifully made way for their star. Everyone knew who she was. She was Ding Laoshi, the Chinese dance instructor’s, favourite; I once heard from a friend that Ding Laoshi referred to her as “小公主” - little princess - and it was obvious why. When she danced, in her long graceful lines and winsome smile was a dramatic air of triumph and tragedy combined, femininity glorified and yet reproached. She was all vulnerable charm and earnest strength. I could never tear my eyes away from her when she was onstage.

Offstage, she was steeped in a mist of mystery.

But first, a description: she was tall and lithe, with a long neck and expressive fingers, no curves to speak of. A golden-brown, sharp-jawed face with full lips and fierce, dark eyebrows; large almond eyes that were challenging and secretive at the same time; long lifted cheeks that gave her face a sense of yearning openness. To this day, I am still of the opinion that no one’s features came together as alluringly, as perfectly exotically, as hers did (which I suppose already explains my untiring fascination — as you might know, I am too easily mesmerised by all things beautiful).

In real life, she carried herself in a self-conscious, tentative manner that made her seem more fragile than her strong limbs and powerful technique on stage betrayed; her shoulders were slightly hunched, accentuating jutting collarbones, and her hands always carefully held in front of her body (I knew this from passing by her in the corridors, or spotting her from afar in the canteen). On Instagram, for she was one of those people who lived their lives on Instagram, she regularly posted dimly-lit close-ups of herself looking vacantly into the camera, lips parted so a flash of white teeth showed through, and captioned these photos with melancholy and cryptic poetry. She was too thin, and her gaze a tad too raw, to be considered sexy — but she was endlessly sensual.

She was not just a talented dancer, but also a gifted artist. A painter and sketcher, one of her favourite canvases was herself — she experimented with wild lipstick colours and stunning, deftly-blended eyeshadow creations that would not have looked out of place on a runway. She was equally bold and varied with her fashion choices: from heavy maxi skirts and boots (in Singapore weather!) paired with skimpy tank tops, to baggy men’s shirts and oversized pants and aviators, to clashing colours and unyielding eclecticism of pattern layered unabashedly on pattern, to slinky evening gowns fit for a red carpet, to girlish blogshop chic… she pulled it all off seamlessly. Her style was the sum of all styles, her great skill that of metamorphosis. A chameleon of a girl, flitting from one look to another.

Fittingly, these artistic inclinations were accompanied by failing grades in math and science. Even her name suited her perfectly. Celeste - elegant, ethereal, poetic. Unique but not blatantly so. Anything else would have been too coarse, too common, trying too hard. But not everything about her was so deeply-passionate and dramatic: like any other teenage girl (here is a reminder that we were merely sixteen at the time), she posted cheery OOTDs, and food photos, and group snaps where she was grinning so wide that her eyes were tiny and all her teeth showed — those were my favourite photos, the ones where she looked gloriously happy. Tortured artist perhaps, but there was joy in her life, I was sure. This only served to further my obsession. I marvelled at how such a pensive, complex being could also be so purely exuberant and vital — it was precisely this polarity that mesmerised me. The capacity for feeling that she appeared to possess (deep plunges into depression, lofty heights of euphoria) was too far removed from my own petty anxieties and common joys for comprehension; she eluded understanding. I wondered how she had grown into this identity, what thoughts went through her mind, how much of what I saw was real. Her entire personality seemed like a dream.

I’m well aware that I’m manic pixie dream girl-ing her from start to finish; even back then I knew very well that the Celeste-construction in my head was merely my selective interpretation of what she projected to the world. But I reasoned that it was harmless, since it was all in my head. What makes me feel more guilty, is that I know the current, 2020 Celeste would likely be horrified if she ever stumbled across this. Her and her great struggle with being looked at and evaluated, her impassioned revolts against the unforgiving bounds of beauty. What violation would she feel if she saw me picking her apart, analysing her younger self in such excruciating detail? (On the other hand… perhaps the exhibitionist in her would enjoy the attention. I don’t know - I never properly knew her and I still don’t.) Now I recognise that she struggled intensely back then with body image and self-esteem and mental health in general — but at the time I knew only to be entranced, not empathetic.  

When I step back and look at it, actually, it’s strange the manner in which I viewed her. Because in a school as small as ours, I had many friends who knew her personally. I mean, we were in the same damn school — she wasn’t that far off at all. Also, it wasn’t precisely a secret that I thought she was cool, because she was sure to come up in rabid gossip sessions; she was considered “high profile” in our school, and in my defence, I wasn’t the only one who pondered and speculated about her life and her relationships (she briefly dated a boy in our level, a well-muscled good-looking jock-type, who was as obscenely rich and distastefully boyish as one could get — it perplexed me how someone like her could be attracted to someone like him — but that’s a story for another time).

A friend, Gina, once interrupted me when I mentioned Celeste’s unblemished complexion (while bemoaning my own persistent outbreaks) — “Celeste? No way. Her skin is quite bad leh.” Gina, always flippant and unabashed, and who was a classmate of Celeste’s, seemed keen to correct me. “She has a lot of pimples on her forehead. But in photos you can’t tell because of the concealer.” I took this in for a second, with brief wonderment. With just that, she had inched closer to reality.

The last degree of separation between us dissipated come year 1 of junior college, when we ended up in the same H1 Chinese class. It was a small class, only 7 students, all of us having had failed our Chinese O-Levels (haha). She sat at one side of the classroom with her classmates, and I sat at the other with mine. Our two groups didn’t mix, and there was no need to. No one really listened or participated in class anyway. It was H1 Chinese. By that time I was no longer as enamoured of her as I’d previously been, but it was still a thrill to be in the same room, to listen to her reply Chen Laoshi (a grumbling man of retirement age, balding and constantly sweating or complaining about the school management) in stilted mandarin when called upon. Her voice was husky, sounding like it did in the acoustic covers she posted online (by then she had added singing to her repertoire of talents).

One lesson, Chen Laoshi, exasperated by our unresponsiveness, shuffled us around and made us discuss a news article. I ended up paired with Celeste — we exchanged awkward smiles before going about perusing the passage in silence. All of a sudden, I felt distinctly embarrassed to be in her presence. I became conscious of how the waistband of my skirt dug into my stomach, and how my blouse was sack-like and sloppy, and the way baby hairs sprung straight upwards from my hairline no matter how I tried to pin them down. I squirmed internally considering the unattractive largeness of my round, sweaty face next to her fine-boned features. She was, and I was sure of it in that instant, too pretty not to be cruel. But when she finally spoke (in English) to ask me what the last sentence of the article meant — her voice, though American-accented, had an undoubtedly Singaporean accent. She had seemed so beyond my ken, but when the words “lah” and “leh” came out of her mouth, I was shocked to realise that somehow she was just another girl. Illusion dispelled — I gathered myself, and replied that I thought it was trying to say that, despite seeming advances in Singapore’s conservation practices, there was still a long way to go before the nation as a whole really embraced the spirit of sustainability.  

(this is so fucking long I’m dying omg kjfhafhalsf I have no idea how to end this. how did what I intended to be a brief character sketch turn into such a sprawling mess…. but still posting it NOW bc I just want to be done with it lmao. TO BE EDITED/COMPLETED, mayhaps)

(27.01.20)

[ofvera-blog]

hello, i’m dri ( she/her + pst ) !! i’m seventeen ( actually in the process of preparing for my good ol’ filipino debut next month lmao ) & i’m really excited to rp with all of you !! anywaY, this is veronica, but people just call her vera tbh bc she prefers that nickname & introduces herself to people as such :~) she’s really soft & sweet & i love her sm !! i have some info abt her under the cut, so feel free to message me for plotting or like this post & i’ll go to you !!

♡ — * » VERONICA CHOI looks so cute on the beach !! apparently, she comes from the united states and is a nineteen year old heterosexual cisfemale student. other hotel residents described them as endearing & dependable, but also quixotic & vehement. don’t you think they look a bit like JENNIE KIM ?

WHO THE HECK IS VERA?:

born veronica dahyun choi on june 29, 1998 in san diego, california but grew up in a city in los angeles county

she was raised by her single mother since birth, along with the several long-term boyfriends she’s had. she got along well with all of them, but she ended up more skeptical about the next each time. this kind of affected her mentality with her own relationships, but nevertheless, she can fall really quickly & really deeply. she’s just hesitant about acting on her feelings because, at the same time, she doesn’t know if it’s a fleeting emotion LOL

her mother didn’t intend on getting pregnant at the age of 23, but after finding out she was, she was ready for it. her boyfriend,,, not so much. they got in a lot of verbal battles, & he ended up leaving. vera never knew him & her mother wouldn’t dare let her try.

vera really looked up to her mom because she saw her as being so strong. she wanted to be strong like her. when men left her life, sure, she was upset & maybe shed a few tears, but her mom would never let it affect her to the point where she would be moping. her mom was capable of being independent. vera aspired to have that same mindset. she doesn’t quite have it internalized, but she’s trying to get there, more or less.

although she grew up a rather timid & shy girl, toward the end of middle school, she had made a few super close friends & become more comfortable in her own skin. in high school, she would think a lot of what other people thought about her & sometimes change subtly to seem appealing to other people. this sounds so cliche, but it wasn’t until she started dating that she began to realize her own worth & that she shouldn’t be trying to be someone she’s not for people who won’t accept her for who she is. she used to be so afraid of taking the chance of not being liked. i mean, she still is afraid of not being liked, but more ready ( ? ) for it i guess

vera’s currently a computer science major at uc san diego. she took ap computer science during her junior year of high school & found it to be quite interesting & fun ??! a lot of other people in the class were struggling with the logic & syntax, but she took to it naturally. she’s unsure of what path she’d want to take in the future, though. that part she’s still figuring out. also, she despises having to troubleshoot with a passioN !!

timing was honestly everything when it came to her decision to take up the offer to stay at hotel dionysus. jeremy, vera’s boyfriend of four years, ended their relationship a month prior, & although she was able to realize how toxic it became toward the end, she felt that she had tried so hard to mend everything & make him stay that she sort of lost who she was a little bit, so she hopes that going to a new place with new people help her become, you know, vera again. ( which means potential shifts in attitude, mindset, etc. from time to time )

WHAT’S SHE LIKE?:

she’s really friendly & sweet but she’s not, like, super oblivious u feel ?? very down to earth, but if she’s really comfortable, she could playfully roast the shit out of you. in a loving way, of course. if she’s in a certain mood, vera could be sarcastic as heLL, but it’s a little funny & endearing.

she’s honestly,,, a huge dork. people feel warm around her.

vera’s the type that rly identifies with her zodiac sign ( cancer ) & if she were to tell someone after they got to know her, they’d probably be like “o shit that’s so you”

incredibly loyal, even to a fault. she’s guilty of putting other people over herself from time to time.

she’s an extroverted introvert type, so it takes a little getting to know her before she can completely be herself around a person. not so much a party type. she gets socially exhausted easily if she goes to social functions & highkey needs to have time for herself every now & then or else she gets super nervous, maybe cranky.

a solid go-to if you ever need to vent or need comfort. want a shoulder to cry on ?? vera’s got you. i can’t guarantee that she’d give any solid advice, but she’s reliable when it comes to someone who is understanding & sympathetic. does ever take her own advice ?? lmao ur funny

if u kno the song “i fall in love too easily” by chet baker, that’s honestly,,,, vera. like. calm down. she literally just got out of a four-year relationship, so she is probably not emotionally stable atm to pursue anything. howeve r,,,, i’d never know with her if someone were to pursure her tbh.

she’s a pretty intelligent girl, but she doesn’t boast about it. she graduated high school with an unweighted gpa of 3.93 & took 8 ap classes, but aside from the occasional, random fun fact about how we share 50% of our dna with bananas or something, she never says anything about it ! she just picks stuff up rather easily.

oh, boy, can she hold a grudge !! she will forgive ( maybe ), but she will never forget if you hurt her. she can be super sensitive & will probably cry if you upset her. however, she is trying to be incredibly strong emotionally, & it takes a lot to truly hurt her, which is why she would still stick around people who sometimes treat her like shit if she gets attached to them. she just tears up at little things, honestly. those thai life insurance commercials ??? no chance. she cried at her high school graduation, man.

FUN FACTS:

collects pins & her collection is roughly at 107,,, never take her to anime expo i s2g she spends so much money there !! surprisingly enough, she never entered the realm of disney pin trading. 

she has also co-owned & operated her own online enamel pin shop for two years with one of her friends & it has garnered a pretty solid customer base. they also sell stuff like embroidered caps.

vera was a blogspot blogger from the age of 15 to 18 ( mostly fashion & makeup ) & had a nice following on both her blog & other social medias, but she stopped consistently blogging after she got busy with her growing shop & other responsibilities. her pre-existing follower base is also a good reason why her shop took off well.

she had a youtube channel very briefly when she was like 17, but after a couple months short of a year, she didn’t have enough time to keep up. there’s, like, 16 videos on her channel. i would imagine they’d be like princessmei’s

a sucker for 50s & 60s tunes, esp jazz like ella & billie but also the four seasons etc !! she was a part of her school’s advanced jazz choir for three years as a mezzo-soprano after being in the women’s show choir ( her music literacy is amazing holy shit ), & she was vp of the group senior year. a lot of her closest friends stem from that group, so they still kept in touch after graduating.

vera is a super duper lowkey poet !! she feels so much, & she found that poetry was an amazing outlet for her to express all of the emotions she sometimes bottles up to full capacity. however, she’s really insecure about her writing & would never show anyone unless she truly trusted them. she really admires spoken word poets & watches button poetry videos religiously. 

she speaks english, conversational korean, & high-school-level spanish

[christinamirabilis]

Question thingy cos I’m procrastinating going to bed which I will be heavily regretting at 7:30 when I have to get up for class but yolo

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  I don’t really use any of them tbh, like, I like to have all of my music in iTunes/on my phone - but if I ever stream music it’s actually normally on YouTube.

is your room messy or clean?  Right now it’s very messy, I was supposed to clean it days ago but I’m lazy.

what color are your eyes?  Blue.

do you like your name? why?  I’ve always been indifferent to it - or, really, it’s that depersonalised feel where I tell people my name is Christina and I answer to Christina but when I start to think about it, say it out loud slowly and mindfully, it feels like a foreign object in my mouth.  So I try not to do that because that’s uncomfortable as fuck.  But anyway, yeah, indifferent, but ever since I learned about Christina Mirabilis and how much she has come to mean to me, it’s better, like, it feels like fate I guess.  If such a thing exists, which is another thing I am ambivalent about.

what is your relationship status?  extremely single so if anyone wants to take one for the team and date me, that would be swell.

describe your personality in 3 words or less?  neurotic, means well.

what color hair do you have?  purple

what kind of car do you drive? colour?  sadly I do not have a car, but I do have a scooter, it’s silver.

where do you shop?  like, as in where do I buy my groceries?  Haha lmao but honestly this is so vague.  Bitch I’m poor and fat, I shop anywhere where I can find something that doesn’t look completely hideous and that my card won’t get declined trying to buy.

how would you describe your style?  see above.  Would like to dress way cooler than I do but lack of money, and - more importantly, since thrift shops are a thing when you’re skinny - being fat.

favorite social media account? Tumblr I guess, even though it’s often incredibly frustrating, because Facebook is a shitstain on the fabric of humanity and I don’t have Twitter and rarely use Instagram.

what size bed do you have?  double.

any siblings?  little sister, she’s 25, lives in Melbourne.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  somewhere that is perpetually warm, where I can speak the language well enough to practice as a clinical psychologist, but still in a big city - I’m thinking either Sydney or Queensland, or California.  South of France would be fucking lit too, I guess I know enough French that I could become fluent with total immersion.  Anyway, I just want to be warm year-round, seasonal depression always kicks my ass, I fucking loathe being cold.

favorite snapchat filter?  fuck man I don’t know, I don’t remember the last time I used a snapchat filter.

favorite makeup brand(s)  depends on which type of makeup, I have different favourite brands for different products.  But, generally, cheap, I guess.  Although my two favourite makeup items are an eyeshadow that I got from Topshop, and a Makeup Revolution highlight.

how many times a week do you shower?  most days.

favorite tv show?  that is a really difficult question, I have so many favourites.  Right now it’s Game of Thrones, obviously.  But I think Dollhouse is possibly my all-time favourite TV show.  And right now I’m watching Vikings, which I’m fucking loving, just finished the second season.  Although HONESTLY I don’t give a fuck about Princess Aslaug, when the fuck are Ragnar and Lagertha gonna get back together because Lagertha is my fucking bae.

shoe size?  normally 7 or 8 in NZ sizes, or 38EU.

how tall are you?  5′2″ of pure queer fury.

sandals or sneakers?  docs.

do you go to the gym?  lmao.

describe your dream date?  I’ve done this before but basically - luxury version with the girl I’m in love with involves long extended holiday wandering around the Mediterranean and just having lazy days of eating and napping and swimming and having sex and exploring and shopping. Other than that, I just really love to go to an outdoor bar on a warm summer’s afternoon and have sangria or margaritas or wine and antipasto or tapas, and just chill and chat, and maybe have a sneaky cigarette.  just, like, yeah.  perfect.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?  none, I don’t carry cash most of the time.

what color socks are you wearing?  grey with black polka dots, with a rabbit on each, they used to have pom poms on them for the rabbit’s tale but they’ve long since disintegrated.

how many pillows do you sleep with?  I sleep on one pillow but I have another one on the other side of my bed.

do you have a job? what do you do?  I am a supervisor in a bookstore.

how many friends do you have?  I don’t know off the top of my head, I’m not inclined to sit here and count them.

whats the worst thing you have ever done?  taken my pain out on my own body rather than directing my anger at the people who hurt me.

whats your favorite candle scent?  I don’t know but Sophie got me this Limoncello-scented one from Bath and Body Works in Vancouver but it’s humungous and heavy as fuck so she couldn’t afford to send it to me but I hope maybe when she eventually comes back she’ll bring it with her because I think that would be my favourite scent.

3 favourite boy names?  I don’t know, honestly, I don’t often think about boy names, I guess cos I’m fucking gay as shit so boys never cross my mind in any capacity.  But I like Elliott.  But I also like that name for a girl so idk,

3 favourite girl names?  I have heaps but the first three that spring to mind are Anneke, Rhiannon, and Sinead.

favorite actor?  don’t know tbh.  Probably Harrison Ford as Han Solo, cos he’s my son.

favorite actress?  a hard choice but Emilia Clarke is the one I crush on the hardest so yeah idk.

who is your celebrity crush?  who ISN’T?  I swear I’m in love with half the women in music and film.  Emilia Clarke is a big one, obviously, but also at the moment I’m crushing mega hard on Tash Sultana.

favorite movie?  I don’t know, I’ll just say Amélie because that film never fails to cheer me up.

do you read a lot? what’s your favourite book?  I do read a lot, and I have no fucking idea.

money or brains?  In a partner?  Brains, I guess, although that’s very subjective, given Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences - I guess it depends on what you value.  I, personally, value emotional intelligence.

do you have a nickname? what is it?  Stina.

how many times have you been to the hospital?  Uhhh.  I don’t know off the top of my head, and I probably can’t count accurately because there are a few admissions that I just straight up don’t remember.  At least 10 times, I would say.

top 10 favourite songs?  nah, that’s too hard.

do you take any medications daily?  yeah, I take sertraline (anti-depressant), prazosin (alpha-blocker - for PTSD), and birth control (for PCOS).  I also take magnesium and vitamin D because they’re both fucking lifesaving tbh.

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)  I don’t know.  All I know is that it never fucking does what I want it to.

what is your biggest fear?  The people I love dying, especially my close family.

how many kids do you want?  more than one but no more than three.

whats your go to hair style?  down.  I always wear it down.  I have a pretty large side-undercut, so.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  The house itself is really big, it’s an old villa, but it’s divided into two flats, we’re on the bottom floor.  It isn’t huge, we have a tiny lounge, a slightly-larger-than-average kitchen, and average-sized bathroom/laundry - but our rooms are all fucking humungous.

who is your role model?  my therapist, my old high school guidance counsellor, my friends.

what was the last compliment you received?  Owen said my hair looked good today.

what was the last text you sent?  it was a really long Facebook message to the girl I’m currently talking to, we’re going on a date on Thursday, I’m excited.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?  Idk, I figured it out pretty young, I was a bright kid.  Maybe five or six?

what is your dream car?  I don’t really know.  I like 70s muscle cars but honestly at the end of the day any car is a good car.  Plus, practically-speaking, I would like something that is kind on the environment, an electric car or a hybrid.

opinion on smoking?  I think that it is something people do when they need something to alleviate a distressing situation.  It’s no secret that smoking is more prevalent among the poor and the mentally ill, as well as those with high-stress jobs.  I am an ex-smoker who relapses one or two times a year, the last time I had a cigarette was early April.  I sometimes start smoking again when I am not doing well emotionally or if I’m really stressed (eg during exams).  And I don’t like it, it makes me feel tired, it makes my throat phlegmy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me stink of smoke, and it is fucking expensive, but it meets a need.  So my opinion is that I don’t like smoking, but sometimes it has a hold on me that I can’t resist, and I have the utmost compassion for anyone who smokes.

do you go to college?  yeah, I’m in my last year of my undergrad.

what is your dream job?  clinical child and youth psychologist.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  inner-city suburbs - far out enough to still live in a free-standing house with a garden, but close enough that I can walk to the city, or be there after a short bus trip. That’s the situation I live in at the moment and it’s perfect.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  No, because I’m a snob and only like to use my own shampoo and conditioner.  But I don’t see anything wrong with it, since you’re paying for them.  Taking appliances and dressing gowns and towels, however, is not acceptable in my opinion.

do you have freckles?  Not really.

do you smile for pictures?  Sometimes but I hate having my photo taken so it always looks strained.

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  Not that many at the moment, I just did a big dump of photos onto my laptop, I like to do that from time to time so my iCloud doesn’t run out of space.

have you ever peed in the woods?  yeah, and on the side of the road, and once behind Sophie’s house when her flatmate was taking a really fucking long time in the shower and I desperately needed to pee.

do you still watch cartoons?  nah, but only cos they’re not my cup of tea, absolutely no hate.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?  I’m a vegetarian.

Favorite dipping sauce?  see above.

what do you wear to bed?  pyjama pants and an old t-shirt.

have you ever won a spelling bee?  no, they’re not a thing in New Zealand, but if they were I would have fucking cleaned up - not to blow my own horn or anything but I am a freakishly good speller.  It’s kind of a not terribly useful skill though, and doesn’t say anything about my level of intelligence.  Just like my weird propensity for memorising numbers, even if I haven’t used them in 10 or 15 years (like my NCEA student number, and the mobile number for the cellphone I lost when I was 14).

what are your hobbies?  netflix, napping, and memeing.

can you draw?  nope, not even a little bit.

do you play an instrument?  yeah I play the violin, and I can also play piano, and I’m a decent choral singer, and I was once an okay percussionist, and I am a below-average guitarist, and an abysmal flute player.  But those last three were self-taught so yeah.

what was the last concert you saw?  The Veils BUT I’m going to see Sigur Rós on Friday and I am dying of excitement.

tea or coffee?  peppermint tea.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?  Dunkin Donuts, but not for the coffee, I just really like donuts.  Plus we don’t have Dunkin Donuts in Wellington so it’s a huge novelty for me when I get to have them, I’m almost as excited about getting Dunkin Donuts when I fly into Auckland on Friday as I am about seeing my favourite band live haha.

do you want to get married?  Yes.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?  I don’t currently have a crush.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?  No but I will consider hyphenating if that’s something my wife wants to do.

what color looks best on you?  black I guess.

do you miss anyone right now?  I kinda miss Soph but these days I’m just starting to, like, I don’t know.  Adjust.  Which is nice.  Realising that the way things worked out is for the best, because otherwise I would have been in for a lot of misery.  Even though Sophie is a wonderful person whom I love and care about a huge amount.  Apart from that, I miss being close to Nic, because she is like a sister to me, and I wish that we lived near each other so we could support one another.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?  Closed.

do you believe in ghosts?  No, but I could be convinced to change my mind with enough evidence.

what is your biggest pet peeve?  People with bad manners, it is really not that fucking hard to say “please” and “thank you”?  I mean, I’m talking in a work context here pretty much, customers can be so fucking rude.  And the rude ones are all, without a single exception, baby boomers.  So... yeah.

last person you called?  Owen.

favorite ice cream flavour?  I’m not really an ice cream person but I really like Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, that’s another thing I’m super looking forward to when I go to Auckland.  If it seems like I’m obsessed with food, it’s because I am - but I am especially obsessed with getting all of the bread and sugar I can into myself in the next week because next week I’m starting the keto diet and I’m dying a little inside just thinking about it, I really fucking love sugar and bread.

regular oreos or golden oreos?  regular.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?  rainbow.

what shirt are you wearing?  t-shirt with very thin stripes.

what is your phone background?  beyoncé in the formation video.

are you outgoing or shy?  depends on the context, but mostly shy.

do you like it when people play with your hair?  yeah.

do you like your neighbors?  I don’t know them but they seem nice in passing.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?  always.

have you ever been high?  yes.

have you ever been drunk?  yes.

last thing you ate?  cheesecake.

favorite lyrics right now?  eh.

summer or winter?  SUMMER.

day or night?  Idk I like both, it depends.

dark, milk, or white chocolate?  milk.

favorite month?  January.

what is your zodiac sign?  Aries but I don’t believe in that shit.

who was the last person you cried in front of?  Either my therapist or Owen and Autumn, I can’t remember.  Possibly both, I went through a stage of pretty much constantly crying a couple of weeks back lmao.