#but cos its the holidays weve been more busy than usual | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

swayinghummingbirds · 6 years ago

Text

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed.

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse.

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes?

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl.

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too.

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me.

so anyways.

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here.

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it.

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow.

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes.

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams.

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here.

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing.

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too.

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere.

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard.

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything.

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it.

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk.

#v long #nothing to see here #sorry for clogging your dash #idk how to break it

2 notes · View notes

arplis · 5 years ago

Text

Arplis - News: Hollywood on the Hudson: At Home in Upstate, New York, with Amanda Pays and Corbin Bernsen

Weve been following Amanda Pays and Corbin Bernsen for years as they leapfrogged around LA. Amanda is an actress-turned-interior designer who has been on a decades-long remodeling tear. Her style is pleasingly simple, sustainable (since before it was a buzzword), and thrifty: see, for instance, Backyard Bunkhouse and11 Money-Saving Strategies from a Hollywood House Flipper. Her partner in the overhauling business is her husband: theyve lived in 25 places in their 31 years of marriage (along the way, they had four sons), and Corbinthough busy acting, writing, and running his own production companyis a Star Handyman.

After being MIA for a while, they recently resurfaced: When Finley, the youngest of our four, graduated high school and took off for NYC, Corbin and I looked at each other and agreed it was time for another adventure, she wrote.Our book, Open House, had just been released, so we decided to sell up in LA and take a book-signing drive across the country in search of our next project. They made it all the way to the Hudson Valley, where Amandas old friend Priscilla Woolworth has resettled, along with a surprising number of other LA defectors. After experiencing their familys first white Christmas, they decided to stay put.

They knew exactly what to do next: find a structure waiting to be given the Amanda/Corbin treatment. After four weeks of real estate hunting, they bought an 1880s little farmhouse in Germantown, New York, that needed everything. They camped out in a loft rental in nearby Hudson, found a local contractor, and started the demo. Weather dictates a lot here, which was an eye opener for us coming from Californiaand also learning that life has a slower pace here; love that, says Amanda. Heres what the place looks like a year later.

Photography by Amanda Westby, unless noted.

Above: Corbin and Amanda and sons at their new residence (the photo was taken by their oldest sons girlfriend and became this years holiday card). Hands-on creativity runs in the family: two sons work as art directors/production designers in LA., another is in the start-up side of tech, and the youngest is at NYU film school.

The couple bought the house from third-generation owners (who live nearby and were selling when their mother passed away). It had been pale yellow with a front door that was purple and white with a bit of turquoise thrown in, says Amanda. Its now painted a greenish-charcoal called Deep River and the door is Grand Canyon Red, both from Benjamin Moore. Upstate gentrifiers have been accused of defaulting to noirish exteriors, but Amanda defends the choice: its a classic color that draws attention to the architecture and looks great against the backdrop of all these seasons. Plus for every dark house, there are ten white farmhouses around here. Photograph by Jessica Dube.

Above: The couplehes 65, she just turned 60say they love their new surroundings and plan to stay upstate. Theyve become part of a community thats big on bartering: Amanda Westby, co-owner of Alder & Co, employs Amanda as a model in exchange for clothes (Amanda also took most of the photos shown here), and Amanda says she recently gave her doctors husband remodeling advice for medical care.

Im continually struck by the adventure of this new experience and discovering an entire life so different from palm trees, beaches, convertibles, and eternal sunshine, Corbin recently wrote on Facebook. My biggest problem, I guess, if Im allowed to go there, is that I have tons of time to think without all the distractions that Im used to.And when the snow falls, its even more quiet than the normal quiet that Im getting used to. You can hear your heartbeat, literally or perhaps thats the shoveling of snow forcing blood through my veins.

Above: The back doors and basement bulkhead are also Benjamin Moore Grand Canyon Red: I knew if I was going with dark monotone windows, I had to find a place to uplift, says Amanda.

She learned about remodeling historic houses from her father, who was an actor-turned agent and the original house flipper in the family: I grew up in southeast England, and he used to drag me around to look at properties and would ask my opinion. So the whole house buying, fixing-up, reselling thing came from my childhood. And Corbin, coincidentally, learned carpentry from his mother and uncle.

Above: The front door opens to the original staircase: as it was, the door banged into the stair, says Corbin. We fixed that and had to reproduce some of thebalusters. Above: Much of the art and furnishings have traveled with the couple from house to house. (Corbin has become a master packer and uses Pods as an economical way to move households.) Amanda bought the paintinga 1951 work by Brazilian Constructivist Lygia Clark30 years ago while filming a movie in Brazil. The zinc umbrella and cane holder is a long ago LA swap meet purchase.

Amanda tells us: Weve been at this practically since our first date, when Corbin showed me his house that he had just finished himself, and I said, I think were going to have to make some changes. It was full-blown Santa Fe-style and needed some tweaking and layeringsome soul. The English in me came out, and thats when we started blending our styles, and buying and selling things.

Above: We went down to the studs and nothing else, says Corbin of the 1,700 square foot interior. This is the equivalent of a bionic house. Explains Amanda: We replaced or added: HVAC, all plumbing, all electric, insulation, new drywall, bathrooms, and the kitchen.

Their most dramatic move was to open up the main floor and introduce oak beams throughout that are both structural (the ones shown here) and cosmetic. The floor is the original sub floors stripped and sealed with Pure Matte Finish from Vermont Natural Coatings.

Above: The vintage Franklin stove came from Hoffmans Barn in Red Hook, NY. The walls throughout are painted with lime wash from Portola in LA. Amanda had the curtains stitched from canvas drop cloths (each is a hemmed single panel).

I like a neutral balance, so drop cloths always work, she says. I usually make them into shades, but you hardly notice these curtains, and in the winter you can pull them shut to make the room feel warmer.

Above: The living space opens to a roomy dining area and kitchen. The cabinets are Ikeawith Ikeas vertical-groovedHittarp fronts in an off-white lacquer that Amanda painted herself. This isnt something they recommend, but it worked well: even the chipping looks authentic. I used a heavy Kilz primerno sandingfollowed by two coats of Benjamin Moore Chelsea Gray in a satin finish.

Amanda found the center island marble slab on Craigs List for $150 and drove two hours in a U-Haul to get it.

Above: The dining table is one of several pieces that the couple found during their first pilgrimage to the Brimfield flea market. We arrived in the rain witha list of items we needed, including maximum and minimum measurements for each piece, says Amanda.

Corbin bought the tablemaybe originally a schoolhouse piece, definitely Europeanusing money he had saved from the many years his mother tucked bills in his Christmas stocking. I finally realized I dont have to worry about never having a buck in my hand, and decided to honor my late mother with a table that we love.

Above: The counters are butcher block from Ikea and Amanda finished the cabinets with painted wood knobs she bought at Home Depot. The Kitchen Aid stove and other appliances are also from Home Depot: I go when theyre having a buy two get the third free sale. Above: The aluminum hooks in the back entry came from a favorite hardware/antiques store in La Bisbal, Spain, within driving distance of their vacation house, A Fixed-Up Farm in the South of Francethe one project they say theyll never sell.

Recognize the dog painting? We doit appeared in Remodelista: The Organized Home and our postAmanda Pays and Corbin Bernsen Air Their Dirty Laundry.

Above: The moody back room with new built-in bookshelves is the library/TV room and Corbins home office. The lime wash here proved tricky: the couples two oldest sons drove the paint across the country and it froze along the way. When they painted this room, it was streaky and lumpy in parts, says Corbin. I came back from LA with more paint and went over it. I didnt finish but realized it looked right: we like patched-together rather than perfect.

The Emmy is Corbins mothers lifetime achievement awardJeanne Cooper, the grande dame of daytime, was on The Young and The Restless for 40 years, and played Corbins mother on LA Law.

Above: Amanda notes that the cold climate has inspired her to get back into pillows and blankets draped on sofas, and even living with stuff: its about feeling cozy. She got the sofa and chair at the Hammertown Barn in nearby Pine Plains: Theyre from the summer tent sale: I was the first in line at 7 am. Above: The lime-washed powder room is two-toned, another signature touch of Amandas. The Little Bo Peep collage was a recent surprise gift: One of the original owners came by and said, My mother made this tapestry piece and Id like it to remain in the house.' Above: Amandas deskpurchased for $150 at a local auctionis set in a bay on the side of the house. Most of the windows are original and have beautiful glass that ripples, she says. I hung bird feeders right outside, so I can watch the birds as I work. Above: There are three bedrooms upstairs. The red painting, by Peter Aspell, is another fave that goes with us from house to house. Above: The master bedroom has a conceptual headboard: Amanda dragged home from a walk along the Hudson River near their house. In lieu of doors, she enclosed the closets with curtains made from a Les Indiennes print purchased at the companys Hudson, NY, shop. It a very informal little house; curtains lend a relaxed feeling and they dont take up any room. Above: Corbins guitar in a corner of the guest room.The upstairs floors are painted Benjamin Moore Wrought Iron. The reclaimed beams used throughout came from The Hudson Companyand from sellers on Craigs List. Above: The rebuilt upstairs bath has a new-old look. The tub, along with three sinks, came from Hoffmans Barn: Amanda and Corbin hauled them to a local refinisher (but left the exterior of the tub stripped). The painted floors and beams extend appear here, too: Our contractor said, you cant have wood in the bath, and we said, Yes you can,'says Amanda. Above: The houses ceramic doorknobs are original. The giant medicine cabinet next to the sink is one of the couples Brimfield finds: its an antique jelly cupboard that came with decoupaged doors: Amanda whitewashed it and then tackled our kitchen cabinets, says Corbin.

Whats next? Amanda reports that theyre looking for a larger place in the area to tackle nextwed like to have enough room for the whole family and friendsand some rescue donkeys and goats The plan is to keep this house and down the line rent it out. I want to host people in cool environments, while I go gray and grow veggies, says Amanda.

More upstate style:

Architect Visit: A Dutchess County Farmhouse Transformed

Hudson Valley Hues: At Home with an Inventive Textile Designer

Saved from Abandonment: A Historic Farmhouse Receives the Ultimate Make-Under

And for many places to stay in the area, consult to our Design Travel posts.

Arplis - News source http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Arplis-News/~3/PN5ELNENLE8/hollywood-on-the-hudson-at-home-in-upstate-new-york-with-amanda-pays-and-corbin-bernsen

0 notes

arplis · 5 years ago

Text

Arplis - News: Hollywood on the Hudson: At Home in Upstate, New York, with Amanda Pays and Corbin Bernsen

Photography by Amanda Westby, unless noted.

Above: The back doors and basement bulkhead are also Benjamin Moore Grand Canyon Red: I knew if I was going with dark monotone windows, I had to find a place to uplift, says Amanda.

Amanda found the center island marble slab on Craigs List for $150 and drove two hours in a U-Haul to get it.

Recognize the dog painting? We doit appeared in Remodelista: The Organized Home and our postAmanda Pays and Corbin Bernsen Air Their Dirty Laundry.

The Emmy is Corbins mothers lifetime achievement awardJeanne Cooper, the grande dame of daytime, was on The Young and The Restless for 40 years, and played Corbins mother on LA Law.

More upstate style:

Architect Visit: A Dutchess County Farmhouse Transformed

Hudson Valley Hues: At Home with an Inventive Textile Designer

Saved from Abandonment: A Historic Farmhouse Receives the Ultimate Make-Under

And for many places to stay in the area, consult to our Design Travel posts.

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/hollywood-on-the-hudson-at-home-in-upstate-new-york-with-amanda-pays-and-corbin-bernsen

0 notes