#but boy howdy am I glad I read it holy hell

[nebby-stardust]

So, I read Handplates for the first time

I am never gonna be the same I was brought to tears MULTIPLE TIMES the portrayal of all the emotion is so well done my heart is in many pieces

I need to recover ahahah ooooooh lord that was a ride-

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 99 Poll Results

The chapter 98 poll closed with 1,751 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated.

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,722 Responses

On the “awful” to “awesome” scale of 1-5, nearly 70% of respondents rated “Guilty Shadow” with a “5″, making it the highest rated chapter since we started polling. Well done, Isayama!

On that day, Marley received a grim reminder... this chapter woke up the obsessed snk fan in me, finally JESUS CHRIST

SNK has always been a wild ride, but I don't believe I've ever been this excited and frustrated that I don't have the next chapter in my hands RIGHT NOW- if only to satisfy the itch of knowing which half-hidden face is who from Paradis. And also to figure out what they've done to Porco, Pieck and Zeke to neutralize them while Eren gives Reiner the most uncomfortable tableside chat.

My heart was pounding throughout the entire chapter. The last time that happened was chapter 84 and I gotta say, I finally feel like this whole Marley arc has been worth it. What an adrenaline rush it's become! Now that's now Attack On Titan is supposed to be. I can't wait to see everybody else again and proceed to reach the climax of the story.

The hype for SNK 100 is too real. Everything will explode

I need Ch100 right now immediately. Waiting another month is going to be torture. In the meantime I hope Porco and Pieck enjoy their time in the pit. If it turns out that Helos is Levi I will eat my own platform boots

It was amazing. Really great story.

I'm so glad this chapter is fake and SnK ended last month with everyone having a huge pizza party!

....is it December yet?

  DID THIS CHAPTER SHOOK YOU? 1,711 Responses

To not be excited by this chapter was simply not an option, but I’ll assume that those who voted “Yes”  are slightly more subdued than the majority of us who shouted “AW YISS”.

omfg hype for next chapter!!! How does Eren not have a leg, it really should've grown back, this doesn't make sense. Why is he even there, I feel like I missed something but it's probably just this manga's bizarre structuring. I've been selling my soul the past few months. There is nothing more to sell.

Kill me now The hype is REAL. I had a feeling issue #100 would be THE BANGER. This issue (#99) however set the stage for the next one. We have potentially Connie and Jean going undercover, we have Willy's solution that is just about to be revealed, the Asian woman's sudden leave, etc. I am really excited to see what will happen next month. Just need to add: seeing Eren's hand cut to threaten Reiner and Falco was such a power move, I had chills all over.

Boy howdy this was crazy I'll tell you what

Holy crap I love isayama. What a genius!

God help me I cannot wait another month

Endgame right here, brothers.

#shooketh

  WHAT SIDE CHARACTER MOMENT DID YOU MOST APPRECIATE? 1,720 Responses

The giant red chunk that wins this question  is the “All of the Above” option with 26.4% of the vote. “Every character with a partially hidden face” was second with 23.8%. There was plenty of excitement around Trapdoor-kun. He came in third with close to 20% of the vote.

I hope the SnK world has a heaven or some shit, because then Bertolt can maybe be finally happy together with his dad at least ;-;

ANNIE IS ALIVE AND FREE CHAPTER 100 HYYYYYYPE

I love moment with Trapdoor-kun/Connie (I hope it's him). He promised Reiner in Utgard Castle that he'll return the favor and I want to see their reunited. Maybe Connie will save Gabi and the other kids in this shitstorm. Please Isayama! Connie needs his personal moment!

  ON THE SCALE FROM “FLUFFY KITTEN” TO “ACTUAL PENNYWISE”, HOW CREEPY WAS EREN IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,727 Responses

Eren’s creep factor was strong! More than 70% of us picked a 4 or 5 on the “Actual Pennywise” scale.

Eren is 100% savage. Damn I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't like him. His meddling works so well with his bitter ass and his sense of entitlement over making all these fuckers taking his freedom away disappear and get their comeuppance (read: the whole world). Fucking human worms.

Eren using Falco as a hostage makes me cry

Eren gave me fucking chills of fear

I'm loving this Eren alignment shift. Lawful Good boy is changing and I am HERE for this.

Eren's "Same reason as you" and "I don't have a choice" are the single most savage moment in the series.

I don't like Eren at all... Poor Reiner

Eren is frickin INSANE

  ON THE SCALE FROM 1 - 420/69, HOW MUCH DID EREN ACTIVATE YOUR HARDENING ABILITIES IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,713 Responses

The creep factor and hobo hair didn’t hurt Eren’s attractiveness for the majority of the fandom since 36.1% would love to be locked in the basement with him right now. The second most popular choice was the extreme opposite. 22.2% selected “ewww no” on the question about Eren’s attractiveness.

why did y'all have to write "Lock me in your basement, Hobo Daddy!"

Protect Reiner Braun You've made me have sexual thoughts about long haired Eren, damn you pollster!!!!

Eren made both my jaw and panties fall straight to the floor. It's finally getting somewhere.

my mom called eren hobo daddy o__O"

Eren being so chilled out and yet so chilling at the same time...how does one being so cold make the room seem a lot hotter than it actually is?!

I want to officially shame Eren for telling Mikasa to cut her hair during training and now he could model for   L'Oréal (I love his hair but he is a hypocrite)

EREN FUCKING JAEGER. I want to say he's cool... but I feel so strangely conflicted. I'm turned on by his loony face but at the same time fucking terrified that it's all going to crumble. He'd grown so much. I can't believe the kid that we used to adore has turned into such a beast.

eren would be a 4/5 if he shaved his facial hair imo

  WHAT WAS EREN’S MOST CHILLING MOMENT? 1,717 Responses

Again with the “All of the above” as top pick. The most popular write in was “Reiner. Sit”. We clearly made a mistake when we forgot to include that.

Reiner. Sit.

His eyes all the time, they're like windows to hell

Everything! Eren was so chilling and bad this chapter, I love love loved it!

The fact that he's still missing a leg, it should've grown back, does he just keep cutting it off?

Messing with the head of an already mentally unstable Reiner

Eren did not come to play. Cutting his hand was a power move and then when he said "same as you." I can't wait to see him transform into a Titan. Reiner wasn't ready for this. He looks like he's gonna pass out.

I never thought i needed psycho!eren and badass!eren in my life. But then i read this chapter and HOOOOOOLY SHIT!

  WHICH OF REINER’S TORTURED FACES WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 1,707 Responses

I’m borrowing a quote from a friend who said, “Reiner had enough panels of his sanity crumbling like pie crust to fill a photo album”. We thought so too and had a hard time limiting ourselves to just these six. The look of horror on page 20 was Reiner’s expression as Eren told him, “I’m the same as you. I didn’t have any other choice.” It was the winner with 44.5% of the voice.

Note to Isayama: If you want to torture a character, hands on the face is the way to go (even when those hands are strangely tiny.)

Don't freak out, Reiner, your buddy Eren has come to save the world just like you've always wanted.

I wonder how bad  will Reiner's strabismus be when Eren ultimately touchs the Bertolt and Annie subject.

Someone please protect Reiner D: (and maybe give him a hug)

ISAYAMA STAHP TORTURING REIGNER!

#stopreinerabuse2017 >:) 

Reiner is the true victim here man

If Reiner didn't have a drinking problem before he sure has one now

I really don't like seeing Reiner looking so scared... It makes me feel so bad and helpless because I can't do anything. ;-;

I’m expecting Reiner to go full insane next chapter. Seriously, he can only be pushed so far!

I absolutely love Reiner's suffering faces :D I also loved how shocked Falco was. I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen, that why Eren told him to stay. He wants to save his life. I only wonder what will happen with the other kids.

reiner has baby hands

  CAN YOU PINPOINT THE EXACT MOMENT FALCO’S HEART SHATTERED? 1,700 Responses

This was not a fun chapter for our poor little bean. There was no shortage of moments with him looking on with wide-eyed horror as the situation was unfolding.  His expression on page 35 was the landslide winner. It’s the moment Falco realized Eren must’ve met Reiner during his time on Paradis.

My boy Falco doesn't deserve this.

DONT HURT BABBY FALCO 

Calm the f down Eren! You’re scaring Falco!

Falco is too precious for this messed up world

  WHAT IS RANDO MCSOLDIER WHISPERING TO MADS? 1,709 Responses

We have a poll meme now and don’t think I wont use it! Thank you to the 29.1% of you for playing along. We were a close second. Thank you also to everyone who took the question seriously. One respondent suggested they might be whispering about the fact that all the warriors were missing. I love that thought.

Yes. There's sour cream in Marley.

For the question of what Rambo McSoldier whispered, I'm actually kinda wondering if he's whispering about someone being missing from the crowd. (I.e, Reiner.)

how much farther is my sour cream joke going to go

I do NOT trust Eren one bit and we still do NOT know if there's sour cream. Crazy stuff man.

This wasn't an option for the question about what the soldier was whispering to Mads, but I thought it had to do with that panel where the guy on the rooftop said to "report it" no matter how small it is. The Marley soldier was relaying that report, whatever it is.

The lack of concern over the disappearance of all the Warriors from the audience is alarming...unless it's part of their plan, which removing the fighters from the crowd sounds like something inline with what Paradis would be attempting if they're about to hijack the play.

  CHARACTER ALLEGIANCES! WHICH SIDE DO YOU THINK EACH PERSON IS ULTIMATELY SUPPORTING?

So much uncertainty here! We are truly divided over Willy, Zeke and Kiyomi’s loyalties.

I do not think that Zeke would be on Paradis side, he had that chance and discarded it as an idiot.

The Warhammer Titan seems to know so very much about Paradis and the truth (and Eren's name) that I think it's no coincidence he looks like an adult long hair Armin.

Willy was such a sweet pie in this chapter. I wish he joined the Team Paradise.

Why did the Asian lady wish Willy good luck and then immediatly got away from the play as fast as she could? The plot thickens...

Everyone need to calm tf down and stop being huge mega douchebags on the whole warriors vs paradis sides of the fandom Ima lose my goddamn mind let yams tell the fucking story. This fandom is killing me far more effectively than yams ever could, crying Reiner or no!

The Asian lady and the rest of the Azumabito definitely know something, as they didn’t stay for Willy’s play, and she said that “she hoped he’d play his role ‘safely’”

What is Willy's game? With so many important people there, it is setup for a massacre. But, why tell the truth beforehand? There is a part of me thinking that it is all a setup to Willy simply saying we're all going back to Paradis.

  WHAT ALLIANCE DO YOU THINK IS MOST LIKELY? 1,697 Responses

EZ and REZ feelz so strong! A sizable percentage think Kiyomi is also a part of the alliance.

I love/hate how much Isayama plays with us (?).. this is the worst who is with  who and why and when and how is it its 99 chapters and i am stiff as confused as when i watched the first anime chapter in 2013...

Yeah, I still believe in Reiner + Zeke + Eren alliance. Grim Reminder won't happen and I will be a happy, happy fan." İt's amazing!

I think Willy is working with Armin, whereas, Eren is working with Zeke. Isayama did say they were going to split.

I think Zeke is helping Eren for the time being but I also think it is only a temporary alliance. He will double-cross Paradis like he did the Restorationists and Marley before the end, and he will be a sizable end-game threat to both Paradis and Marley.

"Lady" Kiyomi of the Azmabito family seemed like she was teasing Willy before his performance, since he was so nervous. But then, she said "you're very brave. And you know our family very well", she seemed like she was threatening Willy

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE CRAZY EREN. I think he's gonna offer an alliance with Reiner so they can both save the Eldians. I hope the SC will appear next chapter!

I'm willing to bet 'The Owl' Eren knew Willy and the Asian chick when he was still living.

  WHY WERE PORCO AND PEICK SEPARATED? 1,715 Responses

62% believe Porco and Pieck were captured to keep them from meddling. An even larger majority believe Zeke was in on it. Hmmmm....

about porco and pieck. I think they will be locked somewhere. But not to take their titan. Well, it's good opportunity to take their titan but... who wants do that anyway? Jean, connie? I think not.

PLEASE SAVE PIECK

"We done fucked up" -peick and porco

My favourite panel is Pieck looking at 'springer, not a shower' whilst falling into the sin bin. Wow, she's perfect.

Porko remains oblivious

  WAS ZEKE PART OF THE PLOT TO SEPARATE PORCO AND PEICK? 1,701 Responses

That would be a solid “yes”.

Zeke does seem to comply with too much questionable activity to not be working secretly with someone. He doesn't question being separated from Pieck and Porco, he's the only one not facing the guard that summons them, he let - encouraged- Reiner to go with Falco right as the ceremony started, and the baseball mitt Eren had likely had something to do with him. The Zekeret is still a wild card though so it makes all this hard to pinpoint.

  WHO IS THE SOLDIER THAT TOSSED PORCO AND PIECK INTO THE BALL PIT? 1,691 Responses

Nearly 80% of the fandom thinks Connie is  parading around Marley as a very tall Marleyan soldier. The write in responses on this were insane!

A pikupork shipper

Hajime Isayama

The Plothelping Titan

If Pieck knows him, the most probable option is Connie, buuuut... Is he even taller than Porco? He used to be really short, has he grown up?

When I first read the chapter and found similiarities between Connie and the trap-kun soldier I was like "what the fuck?!" And than I thought Connie being that soldier would be absolutely LIT.

I don't think any of the background characters are people we know. We saw how Isayama does that with Amputee-Kun, he appeared several chapters before the official reveal and there was no doubt once it was done. Trapdoor-kun, Helos Cosplayer, anyone else? Nope. as expected of pieck, she figured out the soldier was an impostor

Personally I really hate how people are making these predictions and analyzing details like chin shape in attempt to recognize him. We simply do not see enough of his face to tell who it is so it's pointless that people are arguing about it so vehemently. It could be Connie. I could be Levi. It most definitely isn't Armin. It could be a whole lot of people but right now at least half of the people will be wrong about it so arguing is going to get us nowhere. End of rant.

Zofia from the future, who traveled through paths

  DID PIECK PASS A MESSAGE TO THE SOLDIER SHE HUGGED? 1,717 Responses

Yes. As expected.    WHO IS THE HELOS COSPLAYER? 1,703 Responses

Jean trounced this poll question with 64.4% of the vote. “No one important” was second with 18.4%. 8% are hopeful it’s Levi.

A Majestic Stallion

A member of Paradis Team, but it is too early to say who

Jean dressed up as Levi aka the REAL Helos (Deja Vu).

Kenny "The Ripper" Ackerman rides again!

I want the Helos cosplayer to be Hange, but if it's not, Armin would be interesting.

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPEFUL FOR IN CHAPTER 100? GO NUTS AND CHOOSE AS MANY AS YOU WANT. 1,718 Responses

1,161 (67.6%) Seeing the rest of the SC

1,134 (66%) Annie. Please. It’s been 84 years,

1,027 (59.8%) Information about character loyalties

1,013 (59%) Learning Willy’s “one solution”

875 (50.9%) The Warhammer Titan

788 (45.9%) Eren wreaking havoc

781 (45.5%) More Reiner suffering

747 (43.5%) RIP everyone sitting in the audience at the play

652 (38%) Grim Reminder

565 (32.9%) Action with the Asian Clan

534 (31.1%) Overwhelmed Falco turning into a falcon and flying away

Seeing the rest of the Survey Corps is our dearest wish, followed by a sighting of Annie. The most common write-in was simply “Levi”.

RIP Gabi and everyone else in the audience. But mostly Gabi.

I'm saying it now - there won't be another Grim Reminder. It would be the worst possible move to make. However, I can see some sort of staged assault happening.

What if chapter 100 is just an elaborate reenactment of the finale of shrek two where shrek and the gang ambush the castle with a collosal gingerbread man whilst fairy godmother sings. Honestly I would pay good money to see willy start singing 'i need a hero' with a choir behind him make it happen isayama I believe in you.

I am going to sell my soul for chapter 100

All the pieces are being set in place. It is about to begin. We don't know for sure what will happen but things are about to get wild. Prepare the feelingstrain cause we're all hopping aboard

  HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT TO RETURN TO THE ORIGINAL CAST ON PARADIS? 1,712 Responses

No matter how great a chapter is, we remain desperate for the original cast. Last month 34.5% select “5” on the poll. This month that number was up to 38.1%.

And gimme some of that paradis crew daddy yamyams ✊️💦✊️💦😩

I'm severely lacking in Ackervitaminz

I'm tired of Marley to be honest. I hope next chapter shakes me, because this chapter didn't at all.

i still wanna know what the little miserable gremlin man is doing and my badass child Hanji

I loved the Marley chapters, but GOD I NEED MY PARADIS CREW THE SNEAK PEAKS ARE KILLING ME

while I haven't really been in any rush to return to the main cast, I'll be really excited to learn that they've all infiltrated Marley in this way, and for some final smack down to begin soon.

It's just a setup chapter I just want my Mikasa fix.

GIVE ME MIKASA AND ARMIN  BACK. I MISSED MY BABIES. I WOULD SELL BOTH OF MY KIDNEYS TO SEE THEM WELL AND HAPPY AGAIN. JUST GIVE ME THAT WISH ON CHAPTER 100 ISAYAMA. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?

  WHICH CHARACTERS DO YOU GENERALLY ENJOY THE MOST 1,717 Responses

Cries forever for my vets.

Nearly 100 chapters in and I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. Oof. Isayama...amazing. PS: I will continue to select 'The Vets' even long after The Vets are gone!!!

(fist bumps you, my friend!)

   WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES 1,695 Responses

Last month this question was 40% Tumblr and 48% Reddit. This month Reddit was most active on the poll with 56.8% of the responses. The other platforms remained consistent.

"Where do you primarily discuss the series" giving 4chan the silent treatment?  Although I guess what they do doesn't really count as discussing.

  ANY OTHER CHAPTER THOUGHTS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE? We had 360 write-in responses and some were essay sized in length! Thank you all for your enthusiasm! Here’s a portion of the comments.

  EXTRA DANCC

It's about to be lit fam

NERD-SQUAD TO THE RESCUE! Nothing but goosebumps for that entire chapter thankyou.

If Helos is actually a lie created by Marley and Tybur, then was the devil of all the earth a lie too? Or did it exist in reality? Will it return? And how the hell could Tybur know of Kenny and Uri sitting in front of that lake? Does he have some spies on Paradis? All this stuff is just becoming more and more fishy...

I want everyone to die.

Is it just me or did Reiner lose weight? Not aroused. Isayama sensei please try harder.

Pieck grabbing Zophia's shoulders. 100%. A+. As expected.

Okay, so, we've been speculating like mad on how Eren arrived in Marley. Reiner asked the same thing. And Isayama, through Eren's words, answered us: "is that really what you want to ask first?" LIKE DAMN, at this point I'm sure Isayama reads our blogs. At least he answered the "Why", kinda...

for god sake. reiner's suffering have to stop TTTTT-TTTTT

Bertl deserve this world.

Isayama has officially changed his icon to Reiner. Protagonist confirmed. It was Reiner's story all along. We were just along for the ride. The very traumatic ride.

I love the parallel between Reiner and that old man that hanged himself back in Paradis. I'm quite sure that Reiner, like the hanged-man, is looking for judgement. Cool to see how Bert nightmares played a big role in the end.

sc stans are insane I wonder how bad  will Reiner's strabismus be when Eren ultimately touchs the Bertolt and Annie subject.

needs more porco

Is Eren gonna sacrifice himself for the sake of saving the world as a scapegoat? Will his death be the only meaningful one in the whole series??

I hope to God Armin has a different haircut.

Learning that we're getting ova of Lost Girls and reading this chapter was the best way to start my week. I love you I wish Isayama hadn't made Reiner so hot. Too hard to focus on everything else going on =\

if reiner wants to get judged maybe he should look to judge judy for judgement, that'd be lit

I love my shifter kids, but they're fucked.

I don’t personally think there will be a Grim reminder 2.0, Paradis people, ie Armin, Hanji and all, usually don’t fight fire with more fire, they plan better shenanigans. Also, how they would be considered better than marleyans if they did the same stuff? They won’t play this low, they also know that Grim reminder™️ Is everything but effective.

Isayama why it's great that we have all those informative, descriptive chapters but something need to happen. I hope that next chapter will be full of action.

SHOW ME MIKASA AND LET HER AND EREN  BE MARRIED. And let annie be alive and well and dont make reiner any sadder. #chap100 No

Soldier, who are you? Willy, what are you really trying say? Eren, will you start causing some trouble? Levi, come out!" AAAAAAAAAAAaa!!!!

Pieck was actually exactly right! I always loved her design and oppressed but trying her best herb merchant aesthetic. So cool that she saved the lives of Reiner and Zeke, her influence on character relationships and the plot.

In RtS I wanted Reiner dead. Half to end his suffering, half to be vindicated for the things he'd done, but I guess it was Berty Beetle's turn.

I miss Levi so much, it's been such a long time since we've seen him and all I want is for him to keep his promise to Erwin and obliterate Zeke.  I can see him now, sitting with his arms crossed as Zeke enters the room.  "Been a while, you piece of shit.  Not so tough now when you're not ripping a bunch of people in half with rocks, eh?"  He cracks his knuckles.  "I will destroy you.  I will make it hurt.  Because you killed Erwin Smith and I promised him, I *promised him* that I would end this fight for him." Ahhhh please Isayama. <3

CHAOS FOR THE CHAOS GOD The slow build has been so worth it, we're all going to hell and I can't wait

Annie is alive. That shouldn't be a point of discussion anymore,

Please make my children happy, they suffered enough

I really think Jean is the Helos cosplayer because of face/mouth shape. That might be wishful thinking though :') Also DAMN EREN REALLY IS HOBO DADDY

ISAYAMA CAN YOU PLEASE DRAW BERTL FAMILY OR PHOTO OF HOOVER HOUSE OR WHAT SO I CAN REST IN PEACE I WANNA BERTL AGAIN I DONT CARE WITH OTHERS 

I just want to say that the chapter 99 pre release megathread on /r/ShingekiNoKyojin was one of the best things to ever happen, and i'm proud to be a part of it.

Now i just want to see jean What if we're all just too hopeful and in reality the helos cosplayer and trapdoor-kun are just normal people. If Annie isn’t coming back I’m rioting honestly. Also where TF is mikasa?!

I LOVE PIECK SO MUCH she is becoming one of my fave characters. Also hopefully nothing happens to cause Reiner’s mental state to become worse than it is right now. CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT CHAPTER I think the Asian woman is Mikasa. My evidence to support this claim is that after she talked to Willy, she said ‘let’s go’ to her body guards. As if she knows what’s going on.

Seeing Pieck being smart and quick-witted made me like her even more. I'd be very sad if she ends up being killed or if Porco and her never truly meet the original main cast. Give us those warriors/soldiers interactions Isayama.

Annie...please...it has been too long now...

Regarding Eren he ackwonledged that Reiner and co. were just clueless kids trying to save the world when they destroyed the Wall. And he is stating that he as well has been forced in this role. I think he is trying to bring Reiner to his side as well as to remove a Warrior (and Falco) from the stage where things will soon go wild.

This shit was lit lit lit!!! I need war!

If the marley arc was a dubstep song, this chapter was the part where the song builds up in speed and frequency and ends right before it levels off and the beat subsequently drops. Ya feel? Warriors, come out to plaaaaay.

IMO PIECK IS ON EREN'S SIDE AND SHE ACTED IN FRONT OF PORCO

I want to know who works with who (especially ZEKE), how they arrived in Marley, I want the SC but also I really love the Warriors, asdfghjkl I really don't know what to expect but I love the way Isayama keeps us on this subtle line between ""OMG"" and ""WTF MAN"". I want some answers!  AND I DEFINITELY WANT ANNIE BACK

I hope Sasha is in Marley too. She needs pizza.

Too few panels of Marco's death. 😠

i miss zeke memes

PATHS

I love the art in the recent chapters. I will forgive slow pacing for good art.

Karina is a bitch

Isayama give Reiner a break or kill him already, end the suffering pls

And lastly, the Rick and Morty copypasta meme made it's way into our poll. I laughed!

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Attack on Titan. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Eren's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Attack on Titan truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Zeke's existential catchphrase "As expected of Pieck 👉😶👉," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Hajime Isayama's genius unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools... how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Reiner and Historia tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

Thank you also to those left nice comments about the poll. We appreciate it!

[formerlyknownasgreyladywaiting]

Tip Show 7/13/19

I love how this show started. I LOVE IT! Enthusiastic consent is incredibly sexy and holy fuck how I wish I had known the concept (or more accurately, how I wish my partner at various times had known that concept) and that I had been confident enough to make my lack of enthusiastic content known when I was a teenager!

I don’t care that Jack masterbates constantly- I’m gonna touch his hand if he ever offers. The whole “fuck it, do it,” attitude as GLW hasn’t bitten me in the ass yet, so, I’m gonna go with it.

Yay, my poem choice, “The Shadow Man”, made the cut! And Jack read it with a bit of a limerick tone, which - as he sometimes does- completely changed how I though of it. I thought of it as haunting and quiet, but he made it kind of boisterous and jovial. I’m not sure which I prefer, but it seems like two different poems now…

“Frida Kahlo to Marty MacConnell” should be required reading in every health class, when (hopefully) they talk about healthy relationships, and the aftermath. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Yay - second request made it, too! “My Type” by Augustus Christopher struck me as something interesting for Jack to read, mainly because I’ve seen him post that question from anons a bunch of times. I think my favorite part was when he read “I would/ Have to say that it's more emotional/ Than it would ever be physical,”  - not for the content, but more for the lilt in his voice… Even though I do request poems at most of the tip shows I get to, it’s not my favorite medium by a long shot, mainly because of how most people read it: dead words on a page, like reading numbers. Jack read that line in particular so perfectly, making the poem’s words feel less like someone talking to themselves or an audience, and more like they were actually answering a question put to them. And I really like that.

SMUT TIME, TIME FOR SMUT!

No, false alarm - time to talk about people’s pressure of speech and the stupid and pointless things it makes them say. Jack referenced Douglas Adams, and because I’m a huge geek I knew exactly what quote he was talking about: "If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, their brains start working.”

NOW it’s time for porn.

Hmmm…”Good Boy,” male sub story… but he seems to be topping from the bottom, even in just the public conversation…and it seems like a stage manager would be dominant. I’ve known a few, and it’s all about the control for them.

And it’s not that dominants have to be super aggressive, or confident all the time, it’s just… this woman doesn’t seem to have *it.*

But she does have- as Jenny Lawson would say- a “sex concussion, motherfucker!”

This guy sounds a bit more like a bottom, as opposed to a sub - no, wait… she’s making him beg a bit, and jerk himself off and that’s bridging the gap a bit.

“Oh. fuck, oh, fuck…here it comes.” - Jack’s delivery of this line was perfection.

Oh, a college story (“Quiet Hours”) - nice. Oh, holy hell - was she really considering masterbating in the group coed bathroom? College boys- even the nice, pervy boys I dated- were filthy, and college bathrooms were vile and it’s entirely possible that my germ issues are worse than I thought. I’m gonna try to ignore my crazy and enjoy this story. End result - story was enjoyed because oral sex, and a giving partner are awesome!

Sigh…I can’t  help but get a little happy jolt when Jack reads the first line of something I’ve requested. I don’t know if Aly or Jack decides what gets read, but the idea that Jack at least skimmed the piece and liked it …well, it makes me smile. Every fangirl wants to think the subject of their attention sees them, at least a bit. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, anyway - I bookmarked the Arrow AU, “Heartbeats (chapter 36),” a while ago - I think I’ve mentioned what teacher/student stories do to me 😳, and this seemed like a good time to request it.

And, boy howdy, am I glad I did. Jack did a fucking lovely job reading this, and my considerate wifi waited until just after he finished reading to have a seizure, so I have no idea what he though of it. Awesome.

I don’t know what Jack though, but it seemed like a perfect end to season 1 to me! 💗

[ma-at-thought]

I've followed you for quite some time now and I still don't know what gender you identify as. It's merely curiosity that drives me as you've done a really good job at keeping things neutral toned in your posts. If it's not too prying, is there a reason as to why you seem so careful?

Truthfully, I’m surprised that nobody has asked me about this before, Anon.

There are two main reasons why I am a Meat-Popsicle of Mystery.

I am a role-player. While this blog isn’t dedicated to role-playing, as anybody who’s scrolled through it knows, I do talk about my characters quite a bit here and handle RP asks and prompts on this Tumblr. I play male and female characters, and a long time ago, I realized that both of these things carried issues. If (mostly) female RPers thought I was male, regardless of characters involved, they’d assume some things from the start that would negatively impact character interactions. And I know a lot of female RPers are a little wary about RPing with men, especially in darker or more mature themes.

This is probably because: If (mostly) male RPers thought I was female, there’s a serious risk of creepitude. All you lady RPers out there (or folks with pretty lady characters in those skimpy mogs most of us have built), I UNDERSTAND THE PAIN. I can’t even count how many inappropriate propositions I’ve gotten not just because of sexy girl characters, but because of the assumption that the player was female. Holy crap, there are some seriously gross people out there.

So because of those things, I’ve tried to give a gender-neutral impression as best I can, to have other RPers feel a bit more comfortable in the knowledge that I am focused on the characters, not personal information about the players, and to avoid assumptions of what interacting with me would be like.

I am a writer. Not just game-related things. With some frequency, I touch on current-events topics. And boy-howdy, are there ever a lot of gender and sexuality current-events topics happening lately! 

And because I’m sure this post will make some people curious, I’ll just give a quick over-view on my stance for those:

I am absolutely one of those people to whom “parts” matters. Not due to stereotypes or bigotry; I have a fairly intensive medical background, and if I was to be the first responder on a scene for severe abdominal pain (just as an obvious example) the organs you have in there are so much more important in that emergency moment than gender identity! This is a first impression thing that I suspect I’ll always have, but I try not to let it color personal interactions.

If you want me to use a pronoun opposite of your appearance (or name, or birth certificate, or whatever), just tell me and I promise I will do my best to remember. Sometimes, I will fail, but I will always try! Same with names; if I call you by the wrong name, it’s NOT an insult. I do that to everyone eventually, because my memory can sometimes be on the fritz, especially when I’m over-enthusiastic about something. If you don’t identify as binary, I will do my absolute best to go with they/them/dude. (Everybody can be dude. Boys, girls, cats, my computer, sudden inspiration; all is dude.)

I am against hormone or surgical transitions for young people. Not because “it’s just a phase”; sometimes it can be, but that’s still bullshit, and insanely presumptive, especially from random strangers. This is another medical thing with me; with adolescent hormones already being sorta crazy I have concerns about adding more or messing with them. Adulthood transitions? I support the hell out of you and hope you get the proper counseling and medical care you deserve! Also, if you just like dressing in certain ways that go against the binary, more power to you, and I hope you feel pretty. And if you’re chest-binding, please PLEASE be careful!

I don’t care what bathroom people use. I’m personally a little uncomfortable with free-for-all bathrooms, but not because of trans people. My concern is creepy non-trans people taking creepy advantage in creepy new ways. People should be able to be comfortable when they go into small enclosed spaces.

I am vehemently pro-choice.

There, now that’s out of the way. This is all about assumptions too. If a man makes statements about these topics, it is often seen one way, while if a woman makes statements about these topics, it is often seen another way, and the perspective changes based on whether the reader is male or female. I don’t want my thoughts or commentary to be seen with a gender tag attached; I want people to read my words for what they are, by themselves. That way, any disagreements or discourse debate are based on the information instead of what is assumed to be at the keyboard.

I touch on a lot of sensitive topics, and I make a point of trying to see all sides of an issue, even sides I find personally icky (I’m looking at you, current USA government). Context is important, and to understand the broader circumstances of a situation, knowledge can’t be in a bubble. Every story has multiple facets, and I try to touch on those at least a little when I’m writing about a topic. Maintaining neutrality is important to me for these things, so I try to avoid getting my own gender involved in it; I’m glad to know I’ve succeeded.

There are a few people on Tumblr who I know in real life, and they’ve also done a good job of helping that gender-neutral feel stick around. 

If you’re curious about which pronouns to use with me, I don’t particularly care! If you RP with me and address me as the gender of the character you interact with, that’s fine. Dude is also fine. And fun to say. If you’re curious about elaboration on my views regarding gender and sexuality issues, feel free to ask. I barely understand trans issues, having never experienced anything like them personally, so I won’t decline input. I adore polite and informative discussion.

And, as always, I welcome questions like this. I’m not inclined to reveal my anatomical bits, but know that I value you for who you are, not how you appear. I just prefer to appear as a nebulous entity that makes words do things.

[princeofraspberries]

it’s time for my annual “Spring is coming, time to start worrying about thunderstorms” post.

Spring is coming.  I’m worried about thunderstorms.  This has been a PSA.

I was gonna just leave the post at that but isn’t this what read mores are for?

I really really should have been doing therapy for that over the winter. 

But as much as I am completely an advocate for therapy I haven’t found a single therapist of any of the ones I’ve tried (0/6 for those of you playing along at home) who has actually helped someone with a phobia before. 

And I know that’s a bad excuse because I know the answer: try more therapists. But the only therapist that I actually felt was promising couldn’t figure out how to make exposure therapy work in her office for this specific phobia, and I ended up getting *more* worked up about it.

It’s also worth noting: exposure therapy sucks balls.

Like I’m not saying it doesn’t work, I believe that it works, but holy shit it’s miserable and it puts you on edge, and for something like thunderstorms where you only have to deal with it some of the time, it’s really hard to convince yourself independently to do things that scare the shit out of you.  And like I know you need to do Hard Things outside of therapy to get therapy to work effectively but I feel like to some extent I was just phyching myself out about things that wouldn’t typically bother me quite so much.  Like, I ended up crying in therapy when she made me watch a video of a lightning strike. That wouldn’t typically be my response to that. And I don’t have an answer about how to deal with that.

Part of me just wants to get a Xanax prescription (which I effortlessly got the first time I went to see a therapist about this issue because she had no idea what to do about it so she was like “here, have a prescription for Xanax” which at the time I was like “UM” and never picked it up but in retrospect...) because it’s not like I have this problem all the time, I’d just like to not flip the fuck out every time there’s stormy weather.  That strikes me as a not-terrible solution to a problem that isn’t like an ongoing stress, more like points of high-stress in an otherwise pretty standard ok state of mind. Especially since therapy is so expensive and I’ve had so little luck with it for this specific problem, and money’s getting kind of tight for my family and VERY tight for me?  

Like yes, long-term, therapy to just permanently (I hope) sort this the fuck out would be good.  But if doggie downers work, I will absolutely go for that. My running joke for years is I would be totally ok with just sleeping through every thunderstorm. I’m much more interested in dealing with this than I am in overcoming it, and while yes, both would be ideal, I’d be ok with settling with dealing with it!

But I also feel like if I march into a doctor’s office and go “gimme Xanax” they’re definitely not going to do it, and I also recently found out that stuff is at least on some level addictive, which I didn’t know (thanks, random therapist who prescribed it to me), so that would bear more research.

The other weird thing about all of this is just that I feel like ever since this officially became A Thing Nina Needs Therapy For, people (including me) treat the whole thing much more seriously and I’m... not sure that’s a good thing? Like, I’ve literally always been scared of thunderstorms.  It makes sense, loud noises scare the shit out of me. Not entirely a separate problem. 

But while I of course greatly prefer being given permission by my family to literally sit in the cement bunker in our basement during thunderstorms, I feel like the social pressure to not act like a complete weenie during storms was kind of forcing me to do exposure therapy in ways I find it difficult to get myself to do otherwise?  And may have on some level been keeping this slightly more at bay? But on the other hand irresponsible exposure therapy based on social pressure was what literally caused my first panic attack, so I don’t have a good answer for that either.

And also it’s just weird because like.  I don’t know. No one else in my family has a Problem like this? Like don’t get me wrong, they’ve all got various unnamed issues, and I know there’s no shame in having a mental health thing, which is why I try to be relatively open about this. But being able to tell people that I have a severe phobia of thunderstorms is a whole different ball game than actually dealing with it when it rears its head, because it goes from 0-100 REAL quick, and I’ve never really been comfortable even crying in front of people, so it makes a lot of sense that I’m uncomfortable panicking in front of people, but thunderstorms aren’t always predictable, and neither are my reactions. I got caught out on a hike last summer during a storm and it sucked, but aside from being very obviously jumpy and crying some, I sort of kept it together (partly because my dad was there and I hate going Full Panic Attack around people so I fought it actually really hard, which is absolutely not what you’re supposed to do but there it is). But then later that same day we went out (we were on vacation) to look at the stars and there were flashes from heat lightning in the distance and I couldn’t stay out there. Like, there wasn’t even any sound and I just had to go inside because I was enormously on edge from earlier and I could just tell my dad was like, so unimpressed by that, like he didn’t say anything but I think he thought I dealt with the thing earlier pretty well but it was just

I don’t know

like him seeing me keep a panic attack in check seemed ok at the time because he’s seen me completely and utterly lose control and panic before and That. Sucked. So I was glad at this time that I had like made it through that storm without being a total weenie (I mean... I hid behind him when there was a flash of lightning nearby and when we found a porch I hid in the corner with earplugs, covered my ears, closed my eyes/covered them with a bandana, and faced the corner and cried but was able to put together coherent sentences so like.......... we’re considering that a success. for a sense of relative reference. I don’t panic attack very gracefully.)

But the flip side of that, of this being (or at least looking like) a more normal fear rather than a Boy Howdy Get That Child To A Therapist kind of thing is that I think he thinks he gets it. Like I’m sure there are things he’s scared of, but by using that frame of reference, I don’t think he quite gets just how long it takes me to put my pieces back together after I’ve gone through a storm. So I think he saw the thing with the heat lightning as a cop-out, and maybe it was, but at the time it was just too much. Like, I wasn’t panicking, so maybe I should have stuck to it and used it as honestly probably the best kind of exposure therapy I can get: the weather phenomenon without the noise or close proximity. But I was still moving through that post-panic-attack sort of raw fog I get? and I just felt like I couldn’t do it. So like on the one hand I feel like my dad (although of course he’d never say it) feels like this is a mountain out of a molehill things (if I were to hazard a guess I’m imagining this is also the camp of my brother), and on the other hand I feel like my mom is taking my moderately-sized hill and looking at it like it’s a mountain. 

My second-to-last therapist mentioned something about this, how when family members are too accommodating it actually makes the phobia worse because it’s like getting outside validation from a source you trust that yes, you SHOULD be scared of this, let me help you with that because of course you can’t do this on your own (when your focus should be overcoming it, rather than avoiding it, which is what this typically turns into).  And that makes a lot of sense to me but also like what the hell is the middle ground? That therapist didn’t have great suggestions about alternatives. Like, since is my sole official mental health issue, I don’t have a great frame of reference for what it’s like to have people behaving ABOUT a mental health thing you’re trying to deal with. 

Like, I’ve been on the other side of that, but it’s weird to have people behaving specifically because you’re having a problem, because people act weird and you’re already feeling weird and I’m super uncomfortable being the center of attention, so the whole thing just turns into a huge mess, and then with my panic attack thing, I get like, kind of dissociative/sensory overloadish afterwards? Which, I genuinely can’t tell if people are acting weird or not towards me at that point (I also typically don’t remember pretty much anything from this stage afterwards), but THAT’S when I’m probably in the most need of some kind of grounding but by then everyone’s moved on because nothing’s happening. Like, the heat lightning isn’t even making any sound, why are you going back inside? Why have you gotten out your laptop and started playing “Skinny Love” on repeat for the past 20 minutes when the rest of your family is stuck in this same room with you? Why aren’t you getting any work done?

And like obviously whatever I need during that stage (and honestly I don’t know WHAT I need specifically) is not that thing my mom does when there’s a storm inbound and she starts treating me like I’m made of glass.  I mean maybe she does that, like I said, I actually can’t tell if people are acting weird around me after I’ve had a panic attack. But I’ve also gotten into extremely heated arguments with my mom after I’ve had a silent panic attack (these are fun, I discovered them last summer: apparently I can have a panic attack without doing the crying/shaking thing. None of the visual effects, same aftereffects) because the storm is over, I’m back to normal, right? 

That argument was kind of fucked up actually because she was upset because I hadn’t gotten anything done during the storm, work-wise, and I was still kind of fucked up from the silent panic attack I’d had (yeah, shockingly hard to do work during these) so I couldn’t really articulate a justification for why I hadn’t gotten any work done. But like, during the storm itself she brought me tea and kept checking in to make sure I was ok, which I wasn’t, but was faking really really well because that was one of my first silent panic attacks (maybe they’re anxiety attacks? idk, they suck, although admittedly slightly less than the messier version) so I didn’t really understand how screwy my mental state was because I was used to the handy bodily cues like “congrats, you’ve achieved fetal position” and “the inability to breathe like a human.” 

But afterwards I found myself in that same fog, and she turned out to be really angry at how inefficient I’d been during the storm, even though she’d been seemingly babying me about it at the time (which always kind of throws me off anyway for whatever reason).  I’m not sure where I was going with this except that I think people treating me the way they expect me to be affected by storms kind of sucks because on the one hand managing to talk with my dad during that one storm was a wild success considering I was literally outside during a thunderstorm. And maybe my mom’s treating me like glass makes me feel more fragile and psychs me out like the therapist showing me that video of that lightning strike which totally freaked me out entirely out of proportion to what my normal reaction to that would be. 

But on the other hand, afterwards always sucks, because of the “you’re done now!” mentality that makes a ton of sense, from the perspective of anyone who’s not me, but is 1000% inaccurate to the way I actually experience storms. Which of course is something I have a hell of a time articulating, as evidenced by the fact that I’ve seemingly written a term paper on the subject just now: this post is getting ridiculously long.  Basically I guess my dad’s treating me normal during storms with an underlying current of “buck up” actually seems to work for me, although it does kind of suck for obvious reasons.  But afterwards, when I feel like a freshly-eroded hillside or possibly like my head has been transplanted onto another body or that my entire brain has shrunk and is taking up two square inches just behind my forehead and the rest of my skull is filled with seedless grape jam... I’m not sure what I need at that point. Grounding exercises of some kind, probably, that seems like the kind of thing those would apply to. 

And I think this might have been the problem I had with exposure therapy. Like, scaring yourself sucks, ergo exposure therapy sucks. But doing something that’s going to set you on edge for a day and a half is much less manageable/sustainable, especially if that whole other half of the thing isn’t getting addressed at all, which it wasn’t. And I’m sure there’s a way to deal with that, because exposure therapy is very much a Thing for overcoming avoidance based in trauma of any kind, not just phobias. And I suspect that the whole lingering stress-haze issue I have a) has a name and b) is a thing that there’s definitely a way to deal with in an exposure therapy context. I think phobias may actually be a “and also this” kind of addition to the exposure therapy repertoire, actually in terms of practice, because I think several of the therapists I met with had done exposure therapy, just not for phobias. 

As a side note, I know there’s like a whole thing that it’s a panic disorder because phobia is an antiquated term, but on my sheet at the doctor’s office it says “specific phobia” so, whatever. It is annoying because apparently there’s a really structured way to work through phobias, there’s like a workbook that one therapist knew about and it’s super structured and very much supposed to be effective but I don’t know the name of the workbook and since everyone and their sister thinks they have a phobia of something I have no idea how to tell the self-help books by Dr. Quack from this workbook that’s apparently magical. Yay.

And finally (I hope finally, because holy hell has this gotten long), aside from the whole “but wait I can’t make a thunderstorm happen in my office in the dead of winter so idk how to do exposure therapy today let’s talk about your homework instead” thing, there’s the issue of loud noises. 

I freaking hate loud noises.  And I know this is related to why I’ve got the thunderstorm thing, because that just makes sense. But this is where things get complicated, because how much of this is a fear of loud noises (phonophobia, in case anyone was wondering, which I do fit the description of), and how much is just noise sensitivity? Because sensitivity to loud noises is also very much a thing that people can have, and I fit that description too! It makes sense that if I’m sensitive to loud noises, they cause me anxiety. And it makes sense that if loud noises cause me anxiety, situations (like, for example, thunderstorms) where loud noises represent actual danger and are also very unpredictable in timing and volume would scare the absolute shit out of me. Which, again, makes sense based on my reaction to storms: I’m totally ok with sleeping through them. It’s not the storm I’m afraid of, it’s experiencing it, with volume boing the main factor. And then my brain snowballed that in various ways (ex: no, nina, the storm is not actually out to get you, and can’t see you if you move), but the basis is... solid. 

Like, sensitivity to stimulus > anxiety about stimulus > fear of situation where exposure to stimulus is unpredictable.  That makes a ton of sense, and like, yes there are parts of my thunderstorm fear that are catastrophic thinking and get entirely out of hand and become illogical. But I have this nagging feeling that I’m only gonna be able to walk this thing back so far. Sensitivity to sound is less of a therapy thing and more of a neurological thing. And of course therapy can help you deal with a lot of things like that but dealing with =/= overcoming, and I think the focus in the therapy I’ve been to so far about this has been focused on overcoming the phobia, when I’m not actually certain about how feasible that is if I remain sensitive to loud noises. Which I’m fairly sure I will. 

So while I remain a complete advocate of therapy, I feel like my progress on this will always be pretty limited: like, I can cut down on the catastrophic thinking and the lingering anxiety (I’m guessing) and probably get to a workable point if I find a good therapist and work at it hard for a while and keep up with healthy coping techniques, year after year. But at the same time it’s hard to kind of justify all that money and time and emotional energy towards limited progress on something that will always remain a problem when like, Xanax exists, and could potentially get me to the same point. I mean even if we’re calling that a cop-out, which, ok, it might be a cop-out, I can’t think of better exposure therapy than being faced with a situation that you find scary, but not getting a sharp fear response.  Like, going too far on exposure therapy at any one point can set you backwards in progress because you get overwhelmed with fear.  Wouldn’t Xanax... kind of bypass that?  Like, suddenly, I wouldn’t have to sit in the closet in my apartment and open the door one more inch every time a storm came, and back it up slightly if the storm was particularly intense.  I could potentially sit in my living room, where I can see four windows, and not end up frozen with my hands over my ears.  I could potentially walk to class if there were one or two rumbles on my way.  That all sounds like really good exposure therapy to me.

Anyway. I bring it up because summer’s coming, and I’m not looking forward to explaining to my mom that I made no progress whatsoever on this over the winter. She keeps going out of her way to accommodate me about this and while as I mentioned earlier in some ways I definitely appreciate that, it really does make the rest of my family controlled by whether or not I get a handle on this, and I *haven’t.* Which sucks. Like, our summer vacation last year was somewhat structured around me being able to avoid being outside during storms (too bad for everyone in my family who likes backpacking and camping), so the pressure’s kind of on for this, and I haven’t even been going to therapy about it. So that, at least, is on me.

Anyway.  There are plenty of other things to be worried/stressed about at the moment, but it came to mind because there was supposed to be a thunderstorm tomorrow. It’s been moved to Saturday so I won’t even have to go outside that day, so we’ll see what that looks like when it comes.

[buttchuggthis40wme]

12 Steps from Death

David stepped into the small empty conference room and flicked a switch. The fluorescent bulbs sputtered to life one by one with a gentle hum, like old men being roused from a nap. The shadows lingered for a moment though, and for the briefest instant David was gripped by a cold, sickening terror. He shook his head and suddenly the darkness had passed, warmth returned to his frightened husk. He collected himself for a moment, assuring himself that it was probably nothing, and that it was time to get back to the task at hand. David stood in the doorway, hands on his hips, a familiar smile taking shape as he began the weekly routine, the fear had now completely faded. He wheeled a plain-looking folding table into the corner of the room, frowning at the coffee stains that speckled its beige cloth. He lined up the towers of paper cups next to the two large black beverage dispensers, marked WATER and COFFEE. David surveyed the modest spread, setting a box of Costco brand cookies right next to the packets of sugar. David poured himself a cup of joe, made it the same way he always had, with two sugar packets and healthy dollop of cream. The clock ticked softly overhead. The silence broke as David brought in the brown metal folding chairs. The chairs clanged harshly under David’s armpits, revealing their age with every rusted creak. Their light brown metallic shine matched the color of his coffee. He brought twenty chairs, but knew all too well that no more than four of them would be filled tonight. He arranged them into a wide circle, all equidistant, all perfectly angled inward. David found pleasure in these little perfections. He briefly marveled at his work before adding the final touch, a laminated teal poster taped just beneath the wall clock. The poster was simple, just a numbered list of rules. At the top of the poster it’s title read, THE 12 STEPS: in bold, impact font. A second poster hung above the concession table, directly across from the 12 steps, as if they occupied two ends of a single spectrum. The second poster showed a young, military aged black man dressed in fatigues, his head tilted away from the viewer, saluting into the distance. In the background, a pair of jets fly through a soft pink sunset. The image is bound by a black border, in the style of a motivational poster. its tagline reads SEMPER FI: Respect the Corps, Respect yourself. David didn’t even see that poster anymore, it had been here since he got assigned to the room, and probably long before that. It and a million other posters like it decorated nearly every room of the Marine Base. By now all of them had combined into a single image in David’s head, and were as inconspicuous as the patterns that formed in the rough, cream-colored stucco walls. David checked the clock, then his watch. He sipped on his saccharine coffee and stretched his legs, the men would be here soon. David checked his watch again, 6:54. The sound of sneakers on linoleum squeaked toward the conference room, and David’s head perked up just in time to catch the first guest as he shuffled through the door. “Evenin’ Marcus” He said casually, standing up to greet him. “Aw Siddown David,” Marcus said, swiping a cookie with one hand and waving David off with the other, grinning as he did. Marcus was a short man, hunched over from years of a sedentary lifestyle. He had a short, well-trimmed beard that shone white against his dark skin. “How’d Lexi do on that Spanish test?” Marcus asked, not even looking up as he poured himself a cup of black coffee. “She says she hasn’t gotten the grade back yet, but she thinks she did pretty good.” David often forgot just how receptive Marcus was. David never liked sharing personal information with clients, but Marcus was always genuinely interested in what was happening in his life. David presumed it was because he didn’t have much else going on. Marcus waddled over next to David and plopped down next to him with a thud, almost spilling his coffee. The reflection of his glasses made his eyes hard to track. “I know I tell ya this all the time David, but you’re real lucky that Lexi takes to school as good as she does.” Marcus took an enormous bite out of his cookie, a few crumbs trickled down onto his green striped button up. He brushed them off then adjusted his seat. “I must’ve driven my poor momma crazy with all the bad grades I brought home, the things that I made that woman put up with.” He closed his mouth to finish chewing his food, chuckling a couple times under his breath, perhaps reliving some old memory. David opened his mouth to ask about Marcus’s week, but before he could utter a single word he was interrupted by cacophonous laughter. A pair of twenty-something-year-old men burst into the conference room, one voice was loud and commanding, the other voice was quieter but his laugh more than made up for it. Both were indifferent to David and Marcus’s conversation. “You think I’m fuckin’ with ya? I swear to god bro I walked up to this girl doin’ some squats in the gym yesterday, she’s lookin’ fine as hell. Way I figure, she’s prolly hitched to some jarhead who’s out in bumfuck nowhere for the next six months. So I get to thinkin’, maybe she’s feeling a little lonely? maybe she might some company…” The other man pours himself some water, from the look on his face David can tell that he’s invested in the story. “I’m about to hit on her, and guess fucking what dude?” “What?” “I was so busy lookin at her ass, I didn’t even see this broad was squatting more than I am!” Both men started whooping with laughter, the one with the water laughs so hard that he spills a little on the carpet. The other man caught his breath and continued. “So now I’m fuckin stunned, right? How’s some high school sweetheart out here crushin’ my PR’s and still lookin’ like she’s ready for the homecoming dance? So, I check her name tag, and later I looked ‘er up in the database. Turns out the bitch is a friggin Scout. Sniper. Bro. First in her goddamn class! I’m just a fuckin marine thinkin’ I’m gonna get some tail, and I almost got it in with the deadliest woman in the room! who knew!” The two laughed again but less hard, then finally turn to acknowledge David and Marcus. “Howdy boys” The loud one says, sitting down in the seat closest to the door, about as far away from David and Marcus as possible. “Hey guys” says the water boy, who sits down next to the loud one. “Aaron, Andre, glad y’all could make it” David said warmly, as though he wasn’t made uncomfortable by Aaron’s loud and misogynistic banter. Marcus gave them a small wave. Both Aaron and Andre were dressed in their fatigues, even down to the boots. The only reason they were even in here was to keep from getting court-martialed. David pursed his lips and drummed his hands lightly on his thighs. “Whelp, we got a couple minutes till session starts, but seeing as this is about as big as our crowd usually gets I think we can just move right alo-” “Excuse me?” David looked up at the young man standing in the doorway. His hair was short, but it’s not high and tight like an active duty jarhead. From the look of him he probably just got back from a tour. Maybe he was just on some R&R. “This is the AA meeting, right? Am I in the right place?” “Oh yes of course!” David says. It’s been over two months since David’s seen a new face shown up to one of these meetings, and suddenly he didn’t feel so silly about all those empty, perfectly-spaced chairs anymore. “Please, come take a seat with us, we have cookies and coffee if you’d like, we were just about to recite the Serenity Prayer.” “Welcome to the fuckin’ cult” Aaron mutters to the new guy as he sits down. “Ahem,” David says, quieting the room. “Okay, repeat after me” David bowed his head and recited the prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” * The men repeated David’s words, though it felt slightly awkward. The Serenity Prayer didn’t sound very good as a call-and-response. “Okay” David said, turning to the new guy. “Since you’re new here, would you mind introducing yourself and maybe telling us why you’re here?” “Uh, okay, my name is Royce, I’m from Topeka Kansas and-” “And you’re an Alcoholic” David interrupted. “You have to say that you’re an alcoholic if you’re here” “Oh” Royce says, annoyed because he was just about to say that. “And I guess I’m an alcoholic.” “Hi Royce” The men all say, unaware of how weird it is that they have to recognize the new guy by his alcoholism before his humanity. Royce continues, “Anyway, I’ve been stateside for over a year now, and I’ve downed a fifth of Jack almost every day since.” Royce scratched his neck in discomfort. “My wife filed for a divorce two weeks ago, and I didn’t know where else to turn. I heard the base held AA meetings and that’s how I wound up here.” Royce chuckles uncomfortably and doesn’t say anything else. The lights hummed loudly for a moment and began flicker. In those seconds of darkness David felt a chill rising in his lower back   Marcus was the first to break the silence. “Mind if I ask where you served Royce?” “Korengal Valley,” Royce responded, “two tours.” “Holy shit,” Aaron whispered to Andre. “This dude’s the real deal.” David thought about interrupting, some people didn’t like to talk about fighting, especially on day one. But Royce seemed open enough. David knew enough about the Korengal Valley to know that Aaron was right, it was the real deal. The Korengal Valley was a remote wilderness in northeast Afghanistan, defined by snowy mountains and thick pine forest. The few outposts that the Marines had there were small and remote, making air support and troop reinforcements a rare luxury. It was a place for survivalists. The Afghan fighters who occupied the region were some of the toughest in the country, and they knew the terrain far better than any American. Nobody could go to a place like that and come out clean on the other side. “To tell you the truth, I almost miss the Valley,” Royce said. “Every day I was out there I felt like I had a purpose. One day we would be raiding a weapons depot, another day we’d be negotiating with the local tribes. There were a lot of days where we just did nothing, but we always had a goal.” Royce looked down at his hands. “Out there you know what’s important. All that matters is protecting your buddies, and keeping the bad guys away, but over here? I can’t make heads or fucking tails of anything.” He bit his lip and took a deep breath. “I came home and learned that everyone thinks the war is bullshit. They think that the war I lost myself and my friends fighting for was a mistake. They either let me cut in line at the airport or they call me a baby killer, but nobody actually wants to deal with me, nobody cares what I think.” David thought about saying something, but was stunned by how open Royce was about his feelings. It took Marcus over a year to start talking about his experiences in Vietnam. Aaron and Andre still hadn’t talked at all about what they saw in Iraq. It was a strange position to be in as a social worker. Normally the talks here were about day-to-day struggles with sobriety, and it was rare to see someone cut down to the root of the problem on day one. Marcus looked up, his glasses reflected the ceiling lights so that his eyes became two perfect glowing orbs. His voice was cold but reverent. “I take it you met Death a few times out there didn’tcha Royce? David raised a finger, about to tell Marcus off for asking such an inappropriate question, but Royce responded before he could get a word out. The lights dimmed slightly as he spoke. “In the Korengal, everyone meets Death. It’s hard to explain.” “What did Death look like to you?” Marcus said, leaning over his chair, taking the final bite from his cookie. “It varied. Sometimes when we felt strong, Death was like a pack of wolves. They followed us on raids, howling like mad when we shot our rifles. We felt like reapers when we got into firefights. Death made us fearless, and we would watch them tear our enemies’ limb from limb. I remember feeling unstoppable when Death was on our side. I think our boys stopped praying to God while we were out there, because Death was the only one who brought results.” “Sorry Royce,” Marcus interrupted. “You okay David?” he asked turning his head, his eyes still hidden behind those reflective glasses. David was utterly confused. Normally he was the one in control of these meetings but now he was out of his depth. Was this some kind of weird metaphor? Was Royce blackout drunk? “Sorry,” David said, “Please continue.” “But yeah, Death could be anything at any time.” Royce resumed. “When we shelled Taliban outposts, Death was a huge black giant. It smashed trees and stomped buildings, screaming and vomiting fire as it went. We would go down after the bombings to inspect the damage and find all kinds of horrible things, and it gave us comfort to know that it was Death who did it, and not us.” Royce stared at his shoes. “I’m sorry I feel like I’m hogging the conversation, does anyone else wanna talk?” The room was silent. “What about when Death came for your buddies?” Andre asked. “We formed a weird relationship with Death out there.” Royce answered, frowning as he looked downward. The look in his eyes fell somewhere between shame and frustration, but it was hard to read. “Some days it would turn on us. I watched my best friend get taken right in front of me. Death was a giant black screaming banshee, with long talons made of lead. It tore his throat open not six feet away from me. And my buddy just slumped down under a tree. We took his dog tags and that was it. I barely even remember his name. Death constantly reminded us of the nature of our relationship, and we were wise to stay in our lane. I brought Death six more souls that day, and in return I was safe.” Marcus squinted at Royce in confusion, but with his eyes hidden away only his voice gave away his puzzlement. “You weren’t ever scared of Death?” Royce paused for a moment before speaking. “Not for a while, no. But there was one day when all of that changed. For a long time the enemy never knew the exact location of our base. They would shoot mortars off in our general vicinity, and we’d hear the mountains shake as they missed their targets entirely. One day I was out with a couple squads on patrol, and our radio starts goin’ nuts, they’re saying our base got hit. I get back as soon as I can, and its absolute chaos. They’ve already got body bags lined up, two of our barracks look like the surface of the moon. And Death is everywhere, a flock of black vultures picking at bodies and squawkin’ like hell. After that day Death didn’t ride with us no more.” David watched Royce’s face as he told his story, noting that he described this phantom of death with the same emotional clarity as his earlier commentary. His mind buzzed with questions but chose to keep his mouth shut instead. “What the fuck man.” Aaron said, squinting at Royce. “So Death was like a demon or something?” David looked over to Aaron, feeling some sort of relief that he wasn’t the only one in the room confused by Royce’s angel of death. “I dunno” Royce said, sounding slightly embarrassed. “Death doesn’t look like that at all, man.” Aaron said, “I saw it too.” Marcus butted in, “Death looks like a lot of things to a lot of people.” Now Andre spoke, “Nah man, Aaron and I saw the same thing, Marcus. Ya don’t forget a thing like that.” Aaron spoke up again, his deafening voice obscuring all others. “’Dre and I were both in the first battle of Fallujah, AKA Operation Vigilant Resolve AKA a shit-show to end all shit-shows.” He paused for dramatic effect, it was this professional storyteller act that was Aaron’s least attractive feature from David’s point of view. “We were in that whole mess from day one. At the time, it was glorious. Just imagine being in a convoy of 2000-plus jarheads, rollin’ in on Humvees at night, fighter jets rippin’ by so loud that you worry the sky itself might rip apart. We made the helicopter scene from Apocalypse Now look like kids playing in a sandbox. We were apex predators, tippy top of the food chain, and boy was there prey to be had.” David was perplexed. If Aaron was so proud of his combat in Fallujah why hadn’t he talked about these events sooner? Despite his tough guy attitude Aaron had always shied away from talking about the war. Regardless of how strange the conversation sounded, David was getting some real insight into Aaron’s history, and was intrigued to hear more. “I was up in the turret, and ‘Dre was our driver. We spent most of the night circling the city while our jets rained hell. Now keep in mind, this was all because some hajis blew up four Americans a few weeks earlier, made a big fucking parade out of em. They dragged the bodies through the streets, and hung em up over some big bridge, then sent the footage to the news so everybody could see. It was disgraceful, the biggest fuck you to our country since 9/11. So needless to say we were all pretty pissed. They could’ve drowned the city in blood that day and I wouldn’t have batted an eye.” Aaron paused after he said that, as if he had misspoken. But a second or two passed and he resumed the story. “After that first night, we went all in. I’m talking house-to-house sweeps, shootouts ‘round every corner. And the whole time, I notice this weird little speck hovering above the center of town, no matter where we are you can always see it, especially me, since I’m up in the turret this whole time. Most of the time we’re too busy looking for snipers and trying not to run over IED’s to notice, but throughout the day I see this speck getting bigger and bigger. It was the kind of thing that on a normal day would be a big fuckin’ deal if it showed up in New York City, but under the circumstances at the time I figured there were bigger fish to fry.” Aaron leaned back, letting the weight of his story sink in, looking around the room to gauge the interest level of the audience. To David he looked a lot more like a kid telling a ghost story than a grown man reliving the horror of his past. Yet just as David thought this, Aaron leaned in again, his eyes fell quietly onto a piece of dirt at the center of the circle. “That all changed when we got to the center of town though. We had been told to hold back while a couple tanks cleared a building of snipers. I heard the shot and the whole building came down, you could hear the foundation screaming as it went down. And then we were given a green-light to proceed. Just beyond where the building was, as the smoke cleared, we could see the speck. It was a lot bigger now, and we could see it in much greater detail. That’s when I realized what I was looking at. The object was a huge ball, but it was pulsating, sorta like a heartbeat. I could see hundreds of arms and legs sticking out of it, and the whole thing was jet black. It was dripping tar and smelled like shit.” Aaron’s eyes went around the room again. “From then on, I noticed that with every person that died in that city, every child, every woman, every haji, and every jarhead, it got bigger. We moved around the city like cats hunting mice, chasin’ and fightin’ ‘til we cornered them, then finished ‘em off. But Death was always looming above us, slick with oil and dripping all over us until we couldn’t bear to look at ourselves. Death left a stink on us that we couldn’t wash clean. Fallujah counted as a victory in the history books, but it wasn’t one we wanted to write home about. 800 dead, most of them civilians.” Aaron sat there twiddling his thumbs, a uniquely introspective look soured his face, and the room went quiet again. David had never seen anything like it from a guy like Aaron, and half expected him to jump up and yell ‘gotcha bitch!’ but that moment never came. David searched within himself for something to say, but found himself speechless. What could he possibly say that would resonate with these warriors? He had always tried to see the best in his clients, but it had become far too easy to see people like Aaron as broken drunks who didn’t even have their own best interest at heart. For the first time David saw through to the heart of what these men were saying, that they saw something they couldn’t explain, and were forever hurt because of it. He glanced up at the clock, 7:58. Time was up. David ended the session abruptly and watched the men get up and leave. There was a silent frustration as they left, a certain unfinished business to the whole affair. Marcus seemed especially hurt, perhaps he had his own story to tell. David gathered up the chairs and set them back into the storage closet. He wheeled the table out of the room, putting away the cups and sugar and cream, then dumped the water and coffee into a bathroom sink. Last of all he took down the 12 Steps Poster, disappointed that none of his knowledge of the Big Book** had been relevant for tonight’s meeting. He stepped into his silver Volvo and turned the key. A black cat sat in the grass across from his car illuminated in his headlight beams, licking its paw for a moment before running into the darkness. A primordial fear moved up his spine, and David felt the presence of something unearthly in his vicinity. He pushed these feelings aside and drove into the night.

*: The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr is commonly read at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings **: The Big Book, By Bill Wilson is a general guideline for the Alcoholics Anonymous Dogma

[pannacottawarrior]

holy shit guys i finally came across some sexist white gamer guys the other day ovo

before i get back to replying and reblogging shit, i just wanna get this out of my system because holy shit that was a fucking annoying experience eve

i gotta get this out in a rant because i never said anything back to them i just left because holy shit was that disgusting eve

anyway it’s under the read more and i’m not kidding when i say that it’s long

anyway so uh, competitive

yeah

boy howdy the chill competitive games gradually got rarer each game my bro and i were in for because holy shit first it started with complainers, then a toxic guy throwing the game based on hero choices, a Russian guy fucking reported all of us just for losing the game because he couldn’t be bothered to change from Pharah despite being countered hard but he blamed us for being ‘noob teammates’ and now this ^^

reasons why i don’t always play competitive #4 

my bro and i got into a team the other day and we did p well altogether and so we all thought; hey why not group together and stay as a team? so we did that

now here’s the thing; in competitive i almost always go support - usually Ana or Lúcio and sometimes Mercy - but i do like to play D.Va and Pharah when i think i can do well and/or counter a few heroes

but this team ovo this team kept telling me to go Mercy because rezzes

that’s it

anyway so i’m like ‘*shrug* okay...maybe they’ll let me go Lúcio another time or that guy can give me Ana sometimes since i know how my bro plays as Reinhardt and can directly talk to him’

but nah i just stayed as Mercy 100% of the time we were with them

but anyway since it was a school night so i wanted to go to bed early (which was odd in itself since i usually get homework for the next day that keeps me up until 2am at least) 

i tell the group this and the conversation goes on and then they start referring to me as he/him

...

i tell them i’m a girl

...

‘whoa you’re a GRILL? 0_0′ ‘holy shit’ ‘ah that explains why you’re a support main’ ‘no that explains why they kept getting scared so much lol’ ‘and why they can’t aim for shit’

oh my God

someone get me an actual gun and i’ll show them who can’t ‘aim for shit’. bruh you watched me fucking play ONLY Mercy for those games and you think i can’t aim for shit??? you looking at my QP stats? oye pendejo, you’re looking at the fucking average from every QP game i’ve played ever and another fucking thing mi amigo, i only fucking play support because no one in this fucking game can or want to play fucking support 300% of the time ovo

my real mains?? Lúcio Ana D.Va Pharah Hanzo McCree. when it’s a capture point on Defend or we have a fucking Pharah who cAN’T BE BOTHER TO FUCKING CHANGE WHEN THEY’RE GETTING COUNTERED HARD I TRY TO HELP THEM BY CHOOSING TO BE MERCY SO WE’D AT LEAST HAVE A SECOND HEALER

don’t you fucking DARE talk to me like as if i can’t fucking AIM

AIMING is something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to having EXPERIENCE as a DPS main

i can fucking AIM

i’m aware of my surroundings and i know when i’m in a pinch and need to fucking group up with my teammates to get protection

i don’t fucking know how to continue fighting and how to dodge and be unpredictable in order to stay alive and to still get kills

you guys know that because you guys can’t be fucking bothered to give someone else a chance at playing DPS 99% of the time =-=

‘Cicada you never told me your friend was a grill’ ‘is she available’ ‘...that’s my sister’ ‘omg’ ‘haha but is she *available*?’ ‘i don’t think that’s a grill guys he didn’t use voice chat for any of our games’

^^^^ that was when i decided to leave because ew. i didn’t use voice chat because 90% of the time i couldn’t understand what they were saying and i didn’t want them to know in the first place that i was a girl (i just wanted to play and be on my merry way to go to my fucking bed)

anyway ovo that was disgusting eve these guys must’ve been at least 17 years old (personally i think they were mostly over 20) and while my bro was trying to tell them that the age gap was probably big and that i wasn’t interested in dating any of them because i barely knew them anyway, they kept getting over excited over the fact that there was a ‘grill’ on their team and wished i sent them friend requests so we could talk with the intention of getting to know one another so we could date or some shit while some of them were just laughing and making jokes about ‘all grill players are Mercy mains because they can’t aim lol’

i swear to God i felt like fucking screaming at them because??? 

i’m not a fucking Mercy main - i don’t get that much enjoyment playing Mercy 100% of the fucking time. anyone with half a mind could’ve found that out by looking at my fucking career profile

Mercy mains?? aren’t always???? girls???? also what’s so fucking wrong with playing Mercy anyway you piece of shit???? i’ve seen Mercy mains who also dabble in other heroes like Hanzo and Widowmaker and are fucking extremely good at them. also surprise surprise, a lot of them are girls too!! *gasp* girl gamers are so rare!!! ;o; o m g it’s a grill!!! haha yeah no you’re just as likely to find a girl gamer as you are at finding a boy gamer ffs

i aM FUCKING GLAD I DIDN’T SEND FRIEND REQUESTS TO YOU GUYS JFC YOU GUYS ARE CREEPY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY NO ONE’S DATING YOU RN OvO  I AM FUCKING 16 AND STILL IN SCHOOL WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANNA DATE SOMEONE WHO’S OVER 4 YEARS OLDER THAN ME??? eve

‘can’t aim’ sAID THE GUYS WHO COULDN’T KILL A FUCKING SLEEPING REINHARDT I HAD TO WHIP OUT MY PISTOL TO FUCKING KILL THE GUY AS MERCY i mean y’all can argue her pistol does a ton of damage and it’s easy getting headshots with it but holy  s h i t  3/4 of you guys couldn’t fucking kill him altogether

anyway that’s why i don’t use voice chat 99% of the time in competitive and also one of the many reasons i don’t always play competitive ovo i usually just play competitive because my bro wants to play it and i don’t mind that much if i’m with him