#but because im anemic as is and losing tons of blood

[crvstybowlofcereal]

me: why stomach hurty?

me to me: MAYBE BECAUSE U ATE FOOD U R ALLERGIC TO YOU DUMB BITCH

[yikes-cancer]

How was your day Alex? I hope it was nice 💘 You deserve it!

It had its ups and downs!! as I was saying, I woke up with heavy vaginal bleeding, which logically is my period, but that's just WEIRD because my period is never heavy, and it’s typically late (whereas it would be over two weeks earlier if this is it). And I’m also severely anemic (like, need blood transfusions once every three months anemic) so I don’t have enough iron to literally lose more than a few spots of blood? And yet, here I am, looking like a red fruit gusher! 

Anyway, it got better because my roommate and her boyfriend and I went out shopping and I bought a long glittery jumper thing and a short dress thing and silver heels and a black scarf and it all looks superrrr cute, and my Alberta friend is insistent on me wearing the dress to lunch on Wednesday, so I shall, if I can find good shoes for it. But now im hella broke which is a shame because i need to buy milk and a new tattoo and pay for the date on Saturday, so it seems like im gonna have to sacrifice milk and my tattoo. 

and of course i have the constant sadness of grief following me everywhere but that’s fineeee. and im thinking a ton of things, which is never good, but whatever

anyway, as i said as well, i have a date saturday morning, and im super excited because this girl and i already seem to click and we have a lot of things in common so eek!! Yay! and if it doesn't work out, thats okay too! 

how was your day??? 

[beyondthebarricadephotos]

Don't say I didn't warn you

I told y'all I'd be bad at updating this stuff, and to be honest still pretty much just sitting here at square one so...:/ Seeing as it's Friday and I'm far too tired to scroll back right now and see what I've already written, I think I'm just going to do a sort of comprehensive general update instead. Lets get started shall we!! STORM: - Fortunately that death scare with him was caught fast enough. Turned out to be a complication between two medications but hes good now. - Well, okay 'good' might not be the apt term at the moment. He was actually doing really well the last few weeks but the last couple of days he seems to be reverting back to before via stuck hairball so guess who gets to take him back to the vet to be flushed out AND shaved this time!!!! (Im losing it over here) COUNSELOR/THERAPIST -same weekly appointments -ptsd digging into has semi-sorta been put on hold at the moment -anxiety meds raised(again) - starting to look into dysautonomia as possible explanation to my strange reactions to the weather *ill adress this section at the end. Its complicated. * GASTROINTESTINAL DOCTOR -upper gi/colonoscopy were fine -biopsies taken were negative -ulcers are fine but my stomach lining is inflamed -biggest problem right now is lack of BMs but the unfortunate reality being this side effect is caused by a couple of meds and the iron infusions. Will fix itself eventually but for now i have to take Linzess to counterbalance it all so I don't end up in the ER RHEUMATOLOGIST - potentially going to start seeing a new one under Hematologist recommendation to actually get a definitive answer on whether i have Ehlers-Danlos HEMATOLOGIST -so this is a new one -one of the very first things he had to say about me: You are very underweight for your age (no shit Sherlock) -shit ton of blood work was done -the GI had found i was anemic (around 10) - apparently i have been for at the very least a year but since 10 is technically the low side of normal no one brought it up -given the sense of urgency he had on the phone im going to guess my hemoglobin is significantly lower now (8-9) -started iron infusions. Have second one on monday and then its just a waiting game to see if my system is capable of absorbing enough anymore -this past week has been absolute hell with side effects from the first infusion which is unfortunately for me, a highly common occurrence with the first round CARDIOLOGIST -Saw him on Wednesday actually. Everythings still the same -Metoprolol has helped to tone my heart rate from 115 to ~87 -but it doesn't hold like that all day, which is partly due to the anemia -Sinus Taccychardia is still present. Always has been always will be. -it's actually looking like the reason it got so intense this last year wasn't anxiety but the anemia getting progressively worse -so odds are this might actually go back to how it was when i was a teenager if we can get my internal system back in balance and my hemoglobin back to normal ORAL SURGEON -Lucky Me! Looks like i get to start seeing him again -Between obsessively eating ice and being stressed in general I've started to develop a habit of grinding my teeth in my sleep - bad enough on my jaw as it is because its started getting stuck out of place again -also bad for my weight because it's exhausting to eat even more so right now SIDE EFFECTS -honestly not even going to try to get into this list because so many things overlap and are nearly impossible to explain IN CONCLUSION: To be quiet honest as bad as all of this sounds it's really not. I have gone through significantly worse health wise before, and that was when it took people ages to figure out what was wrong. At least with all of this we know what the components are and how each piece interacts with each other. Its just hard to fully solve the rubiks cube without messing up some sides a bit worse for a little bit. The difference right now i KNOW whats wrong with me, the hard part is unwinding this ball of lights without breaking any bulbs. But its not like were going in blind we know what's causing what and interacting how its just unfortunately a marathon to get everything back in proper working order not a sprint. My biggest problem right now is more so a mental tug of war between my past medical experiences and my current state of functionality (lack thereof really). The harder part right now is just keeping a level head. I can't stress how demoralizing and aggravating and exhausting it is to live like this because it's not really living and it's barely even existing. To go from being a human that runs at mach 10 all day long to one who can't even get out of bed most days or make through going to town for appointments simply because there's no engery left to muster. Its defeating in a lot of ways and trying to keep some sort of grasp on the knowledge it's not something i can help, it's not something that will last forever, and it's not something I can make move any faster and do anymore than I already am, like I said it's all complicated. I'm just trying not give up on everything at this point. Even if seeing my body fight itself and being helpless to stop my mental state from cracking and deteriorating is all i can see in front of me here. (Granted the holidays and season changes probabllyyyyu isn't helping right now) If I can make it through 7th grade and I can make it through freshman year, I can get through the current hurricane im sitting in. Still doesn't make any of it any easier but I know it's not impossible either. Im trying, I promise. -JT