#but back to point 2. considering the song is about wanting to hook up with an ex. it's possible the 'lick' is not an innocent act

[iamyounicorn]

having a pop girlie moment here so excuse me while I say this but 1. this video is so funny to me because it's so. those "what if being gay was the rule" memeys except it's. cat furries. it's only barely tangentially related to the song. 2. when the song goes "you want your pride and, love, I want to lick you!" (around 1:35) I keep expecting him to say "I want to fuck you" instead no matter how many times I listen to the song

[nanpecan]

₊✩‧₊˚once more to see you˚₊✩‧₊ pt 3

{nanami x f!reader}

pt 1.  pt 2. pt 4. pt 5.

˚₊✩‧₊summary: You’re a manager at Jujutsu Kaisen and you've now had two extremely intimate encounters with grade 1 sorcerer Nanami Kento. You're doing your best to go back to work like nothing happened. You're attending meetings, running a few errands, and having a very very close call with a curse and an ancient relic.

˚₊✩‧₊tags: nanami x fem!reader, slight angst, gore kinda (you're fighting a curse and it gets intense fast)

˚₊✩‧₊word count: 6.8k (do i even have to apologize at this point)

˚₊✩‧₊author’s note: this chapter is a little more centered around Y/N as a character. Nanami IS in it but i feel like he isn't the focus so i apologize. but ! i've attached pt. 4 as well because that does have nanami and a fun little hook up hehe. I won't be offended if a lot of y'all skip this to get to the next part. I know i would

˚₊✩‧₊this is the mitski song i had in mind for this chapter idk

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You shut the car door and put your seat belt on wordlessly. “You okay? I’ve never seen you so quiet after drinking.” Akari said, breaking you out of your daze. 

You looked at her and considered telling her everything. “Akari…” she looked at you with a questioning look. She smiled. 

“You know, Nanami was asking questions about you while you were up singing with Ijichi.” 

“What?” 

“It was little things. Like he kept asking for clarity on things whenever we brought you up. I don’t know if you even noticed.” 

“What kind of things?” 

“Well he was asking how long you’ve been here. He seemed to know that you’d joined the school when you were 16, during Ijichi’s third year. But he wanted to know how you did.” 

“What did you tell him?” you asked. 

“Eh, I said something about how your classmates were assholes. But that doesn’t matter. He also asked about your relationship status.” She glanced at you with a cheeky smile. You gave her a blank stare. “Well, not directly, but Shoko asked about my dating life and I told them how we were both hopeless, and I may have mentioned that date you went on where the American called you exotic and tried to grab your ass.” She laughed as she remembered. “He smiled when I mentioned you kicked his ass.” 

You smiled and she seemed happy that you were more relaxed. “I could just tell he was interested in you, and you know I’m good at reading people.” 

“You’re too flattering.” You said. “I don’t think he’s interested in me like that.” 

“You’d be surprised, maybe he feels connected with you after he saw your IBS crisis.” She laughed. “Too soon? I’m sorry.” 

You smiled and shook your head. You felt a burning in your chest. “You don’t think he was talking so much because he was into you? He didn’t talk to me at all.” 

Akari scoffed. “If he was into me I’d turn him down immediately.” She frowned. “If I didn’t know his age I would have thought he was in his late thirties, and I’m not into dudes that much older. You know I like them hot and stupid.” 

“That hasn’t worked out so well for you in the past, maybe it’s time to change it up.” 

Akari furrowed her brows. “Why are you pushing him on me, fight for your man, girl.” 

You slumped back into your seat. “I’m telling you he doesn’t like me like that.” 

She rolled her eyes. “And why are you so sure?” 

“Because he told me so.” You muttered. 

“What?” She suddenly got serious. 

“...Can you keep a secret?” 

“What happened? Y/N??” She looked over at you. “Hang on, we're almost at my place. I need to be all ears.” 

“You can’t tell anyone, and you can’t judge me.” 

“Wait! Don’t tell me anymore!” 

Akari quickly parked the car and ran out. She practically pushed you all the way into her apartment and onto her couch. She quickly poured you another drink before pouring one for herself. 

“Okay,” she handed you the cup. “I had a feeling something happened, you’ve been acting so weird.” 

“You wanna take a guess?” You said before taking a drink. 

She hesitated. “My gut was telling me that something happened with the curse he exorcised yesterday. And I thought that maybe it had gotten to you and you were overly flirty and confessed or something.” 

“We had sex.” 

She choked on her drink. “What!” 

You buried your head in your hands and groaned. “The curse injured him and infected him with lust. I was just standing outside the barrier. I was checking my phone when he came stumbling out into the car, and well…things escalated and…yeah.” 

Akari looked at you in shock. She put her drink down. “He didn’t report an injury. Was he in his right mind?” 

You understood what she was implying. “He wasn’t violent. The opposite actually. I was surprised too, he wouldn’t let me tend to his wound.” You took another drink. “It was great.” 

She still looked concerned. “But he told you he wasn’t into you.” 

You frowned. “We didn’t really talk much afterwards. I think he was more embarrassed or maybe he regretted it… Anyway I ran into him at the bakery that I like and we talked for a bit there.” You sighed as you remembered. “I confessed that I liked him and he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship with me, so I said we should forget everything that happened.” 

“I’m sorry.” Akari said. “What an asshole, I bet he said it just like that too. He’s so blunt. You didn’t deserve that.” She looked at you. “I’m sorry he showed up tonight. I can’t imagine how awkward that must have been for you. But I’m serious. He was asking little things about you. So maybe there’s hope?” She turned her head and scowled, “If it was me I wouldn’t want to see the bastard.” 

You took a deep breath, you didn’t want to tell her about the bathroom. Not that it was wrong, you just wanted time to process everything. You frowned. You had just ruined his chances with her, you were painting him out to be a villain. “He was very sweet though. I understand where he’s coming from. I mean, I don’t think he really had any control over his mood and I should have turned him down. I have regrets too. I think it’ll be easier to just forget. If he does want something he should be the one to approach me.” You laid back on the couch. “The shittier thing to do would have been not to acknowledge it at all. He’s a good guy, it’s just like you said. He’s blunt.” You smiled at Akari. “This is our secret, okay?” 

Akari nodded looking at you sympathetically. “Of course.” She came closer to you and hugged you. “Other than the mess, I’m glad he was nice to you. You pulled your long-time crush, that’s powerful girl.” 

You smiled and hugged her back silently. 

You both went to bed shortly after and you were left alone with your thoughts. 

The bathroom. He had said he didn’t want to talk, fucked you, and even wanted to take you home. This sort of contradicted your theory of him liking Akari, right? No, he just thinks you’re easy. You frowned. You should have let him speak before you cut him off…twice. You’d just been afraid that what he’d say would hurt your feelings. 

You tossed and turned thinking about him, remembering his touch, his lips. Despite it all he had been so gentle, so desperate to have you again. It hurt your feelings thinking about it. He had done all that but he didn’t really want you. You sighed, if he asked to have you again, would you do it?, you wondered. Yes, you decided, feeling hopeless. You felt very strongly about him and despite him not reciprocating your feelings, yours hadn’t diminished. You might have liked him more, or at least the idea of him more. You slowly dozed off. 

You were pretty quiet the next morning and Akari let you just exist. She drove you to work, talking about things here and there but not bringing him up. You were grateful for her. “You know I do love you.” 

Akari smiled as she turned off the ignition to the car. “I’ve always got your back.” 

You both rushed into the meeting room afraid of being late but when you got there, there were only two other managers including Ijichi, and Principle Yaga sitting silently with a frown on his face. 

You checked your watch. There were two minutes until the meeting was supposed to start. No other sorcerers were here. You sat down next to Akari and Ijichi. You looked at the empty chair beside you and for a moment thought about switching sides with Akari but you decided it was too much. You were thinking too much about it. He was not going to sit next to you, that would have been bold and stupid. 

Suddenly the door opened and Shoko walked in giving you and Akari a smile. Two more sorcerers came in with a minute to spare. You watched the clock strike 7 and the door opened again. You didn’t have to look up to know who it was, his aura gave him away. You heard him head in your direction and you whipped your head in surprise as you heard the chair next to you slide out and Nanami sit down. 

You clenched your jaw and felt Akari poke you from the other side. You looked at her.

 You okay? She asked with her eyes. You nodded and rolled your eyes with a smile. She smiled back. You didn’t turn to look at him. 

This wasn’t the first time he had sat next to you in a meeting. The first time you had been way more nervous. It was about a year and a half ago; after he had just rejoined Jujutsu society. You had already started crushing on him and he had asked you for a pen to jot down some small detail about a schedule change. The rest was history.

Your thoughts were interrupted when the doors burst open and you heard a familiar chuckle. “Okay, okay, we can start now. I’m here!” Gojo. He walked in cockily and sat down in the front row of seats. Yaga gave him a scrutinizing look before standing up, ready to start. 

“You’re just the man I wanted to see, I have a mission for you.” Yaga grumbled. Gojo yawned in response. “Good morning everyone, I’ll make this short.” He shuffled some papers. “An update on the Okkotsu case, the boy’s violence has escalated resulting in the death of three high school students on Thursday evening. Yesterday Kisagari and Harutomi were sent to investigate and were instructed to bring the boy back.” He clenched his jaw. “They did not check in last night and upon further investigation Harutomi was found dead this morning a little outside the school grounds.” 

The room went silent. You frowned, this was more serious than anticipated. Both of the sorcerers were grade two, it came as a shock that one of them was dead.

“Satoru, can I rely on you to pick up where they left off?” 

Gojo stretched his arms and leaned back on his chair. “Of course,” he responded. 

Yaga went over some other brief reminders before dismissing the meeting. You’d volunteered to deliver some items the school was exchanging with the Kanagawa Prefecture Cultural Museum. You stayed in your chair a little longer reading over the file Akari handed you. Nanami slowly got up from his chair and you could sense him staring at you. He probably wanted to talk. You owed him that much. You turned to look at him but before you could say anything Ijichi appeared next to him. 

“I’m ready to head out whenever you are.” He said to Nanami. 

Nanami turned to him and nodded. “Let’s go.” 

You looked at Nanami but he turned away and started heading towards the door. You frowned and turned back to the papers in front of you. 

“You okay?” Akari said. 

You looked at her and smiled. “Yeah, I think I’m over it. It was a one night stand situation, I’m overthinking it.” She didn’t look convinced but you shook your head. “Believe me I’m not angry or hurt. Life’s too short for that.” 

    -

You headed out to your school assigned car and sat down. You glanced at the back seat in the rear view mirror. You felt your cheeks get hot as you remembered what had happened, and smacked your hands to the sides of your face. You could try to talk to him later…maybe.

As you drove towards Naka you thought about what you might eat for lunch. Along with bringing the items to the museum and picking up the ones they were trading, you were to go around and check the shrines in the area. You’d had a mission around here a while ago and remembered a soba restaurant close to the museum. Since you had spent the night at Akari’s you didn’t have the sandwich you had planned to eat today. Oh well, you thought, at least I wasn't the one that paid for it. 

You noticed you were getting close and called ahead to the museum. “Good morning, this is Y/N with Jujutsu Tech. I'm about 30 minutes away.” 

“Oh perfect,” A woman answered. “Head towards the employee parking, we’ve told the guard to let you in. By the way, we came across a new artifact donated by the estate of one of our late patrons. It looks very old and was kept in a special box, would you be able to take it to get it assessed?” 

“Yes of course!” You were a little hesitant to pick up unregistered cursed objects but usually it was no big deal. Especially if it was kept in a special box. It would be fine. 

As you walked into the back of the museum, a shiver went up your spine and you got a terrible feeling in your gut. You took a deep breath and went in, a little on edge. You went to the room you’d been instructed to and waited. Some of the items you were expecting to pick up were already laid out. An old cursed katana in need of restoration and a few Edo period items. You put down the box you were carrying. You were exchanging these items for an ancient tea set from the Nara period that was in prime condition and a painting scroll from around the same time. 

“Sorry for running a little late.” You jumped as a voice came from behind you. You tensed as you turned, you hadn’t even felt the person’s presence. 

“Oh, no problem, I’m Y/N.” 

“Yes, yes, this is the item I spoke to you on the phone about.” 

The lady put down an intricately decorated green box about 6 inches long and 4 wide. “We just got it in this morning. Our staff decided to open it to see what was inside, but only found one small object wrapped in a sort of paper wrap with writing on it. We couldn’t decipher the language, but right after we opened it the lights in the museum went out so we closed it.” She laughed nervously. “None of us are very superstitious, but we did get spooked.” 

She picked up the box to hand it to you. You grabbed it but felt that she had a tight grip on it. You pulled a little harder to take it from her but she just stared at the box. “Ma’am?” You pulled again but her grip hadn’t faltered. 

“I just…would like to see it one more time.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good-“ she yanked the box back and quickly lifted the locking notch to open the box. She stared inside. 

You went around her to look inside as well and gasped. You knew what this was. You had only seen one brought to the school when you were a student. It was one of Ryomen Sukuna’s fingers. You quickly shut the box and yanked it out of her hands. 

“I’ll take it from here.” She seemed to snap out of her daze and nodded. 

“Yes- uh. Let me find a box to put these loose items in so you can carry them easier. Excuse me.” The lady left the room and you stared at the box in shock. You needed to get this out of here.  

You quickly pulled your phone out and called the school. 

“Hello, this is Y/N. I’m picking up items from the Kanagawa Cultural Museum and they have given me one of Ryomen Sukuna’s fingers.” 

The person on the other end let out a small noise. “Is it bound?” 

“It’s wrapped in a talisman and contained in an emerald box.” 

“Okay... We can send the closest available sorcerers to assist you in ensuring it gets returned to the school without interruptions. Do not worry about your other tasks, the finger is the new priority.” You looked back at the box nervously. “Do you know if they unraveled the talisman?” 

“They opened the box and examined the finger but quickly closed it back up. The finger appears to still be partially wrapped in the box.” 

“We should assume they unwrapped the finger, even if it was only for a little bit, so there might be curses coming that way, and the talisman is probably weakened if not all together useless.” The guy sighed on the phone. “You said this was Y/N correct.” 

“Yes.” 

He was silent. “Take the finger and run, you won’t be able to handle whatever curses are coming your way.” 

You were hurt by his comments but knew it was true. You thanked him and hung up. You looked at the door. The lady was taking a while. You quickly began to unload your box and started loading the other contents into it. The sword was going to stick out too much so you quickly stuck it to your hip using your belt. You placed the finger in last and picked up the box. You went back into the hallway and once again felt the energy sour. 

You headed towards the exit when you noticed a shoe in the hallway. You clenched your teeth. It was a woman’s high heel, the same kind the lady had been wearing earlier. Your instincts told you to run to the car but then a smell hit your nose. Blood. Blood and the sickeningly bitter scent of a curse. 

Run. Your body was telling you to run. You were close to the exit, the car was parked right outside the door. You started to move your legs and turned towards the exit. You had been told the nearest sorcerers were heading your way. Someone else would be here to help. You would just get in the way and end up dying. You couldn’t fight, not well anyway. You didn’t have any weapons, you needed to leave, you needed to - you stopped in your tracks as you heard a small noise. You listened intently. 

“Help!” It was a whisper. “Please.” An agonizing voice coming from behind you. You turned trying to find the voice. “Help.” It was coming from the hallway to your left. You hesitated. You blinked and took a deep breath. You clutched the boxed items closer to yourself and your hand went to the katana on your hip. It was old and rusted but it was something, you weren’t completely unarmed. You quickly went toward the noise and peeked around the corner. 

You stood there shocked. The lady was sitting on the floor, her back to the wall, her face twisted in pain. She had a deep purple bruise on her right ankle and her left foot was gone. It looked like it had been hastily bit off. Where she was bleeding there was a small yellow curse lapping up the blood. 

“Help! Help me! Help.” She started yelling as she saw you approach. You ran over to her and shushed her. The little yellow curse didn’t even notice you, it was too busy drinking the blood, but it was growing in size. You put the box down next to her and looked at her wound. It was big, an injury like this required immediate attention. Your mind raced as you thought about what to do. You could try to heal it, try to use your RCT. However you had no medical knowledge whatsoever so the chances of you messing it up were greater than you fixing it. But you had to do something. Even if you didn’t understand, stopping the bleeding or scabbing it over would help tremendously. 

I don’t have enough CE for this, you thought bitterly. It would take a lot. You looked at the little creature in front of you and something clicked in your brain. You couldn’t explain it but you just knew what to do. You grabbed the creature by the base of its neck. It didn’t even flinch, it was too preoccupied consuming the trickling blood. That was until it started shrinking, its fingers curling, the tips of its ears wilting and then it started thrashing in your hands. 

You were absorbing its cursed energy. Your hand burned as you felt the rotten energy enter you. Your veins ached and you winced, feeling like you were going to be sick. The input was foul, you felt like you needed to expel it, quickly. You placed your other hand on the bloody stump and tried to focus on your reverse cursed technique. You laughed when you noticed something was happening only to flinch as the creature started to kick and scratch at you. You slammed it onto the floor trying to subdue it. It became more and more withered as you became accustomed to the feeling of absorbing its energy. The wound was looking much better. Almost. 

The yellow creature let out one final shriek before it completely deflated. The lady’s ankle was now a hardened scab. You knew it hadn’t healed completely but it wasn’t going to get any worse. You looked up and saw that she was staring horrified at your hand wrapped around the stump. In your other hand, the curse was now a grey lump of flesh. You clenched your fist and it disintegrated into ash. 

You looked up at the lady and let go of her leg. “We need to get outside.” Once outside you could make a veil and prevent whatever was inside from getting out. You had quickly deduced that the small yellow curse was not the one that had done the damage. There was something bigger and stronger and it was looking for the finger. 

You grabbed the green box with the finger, tucking it under your arm as you helped the lady up, letting her lean on you as you started for the door. You quickly hobbled there together. You were going to make it. You were two feet from the door. One foot. Your hand reached out to push when you suddenly felt the wind get knocked out of you. Your mouth flew open and released a stream of blood. The world went black for a second and you felt yourself falling. You came to, right before you hit the ground and regained your balance. You turned around quickly but your body was overcome with pain. Your hand went to your abdomen, you had broken some ribs. But what had hit you? You looked over at the lady and saw she was unconscious. “Shit.” You slid her off your shoulder and looked around for a curse. Nothing. You quickly checked her pulse. She was breathing. You sighed and stood up looking around. 

The box! You looked around the floor for it. You had dropped it when you had been hit. It was nowhere to be found. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You realized now the curse had probably slammed into you while trying to get the box. You had to get it back and fast. You stopped. No this isn’t right. I need to get this lady to safety and set a veil. I need to wait for the closest sorcerer to arrive, I can’t fight. You heard screaming from the hallway again. You clenched your jaw. You were terrified. 

You looked down at the lady and quickly picked her up. You were right by the door. You pushed open the door wheezing a little and trying your best to ignore the pain as she leaned into your broken ribs. You set her down on the steps outside and turned to the building. The curtain! you needed to put one up. You lifted a hand and muttered your phrase. 

You opened your phone and dialed the school. The same person picked up. “The situation has escalated. I was attacked and the curse got a hold of the finger. So far there's only been one confirmed injury, but I think many others are in danger. I’ve placed a veil for now,” you said.

“Stay put, help is almost there.” You looked back at the building and frowned. You hung up. You heard another yell and your stomach dropped. You felt yourself tearing up. There had to be something you could do. You needed to do something, anything, you couldn’t just stand there while everyone inside was in danger. It wasn’t fair. 

You felt your body move and before you realized, you found yourself stepping into the veil. You quickly went to the door and stepped back into the building. You saw more of the little yellow creatures climbing up and down the walls. You counted seven. They were all moving towards the same place. Looking along the wall, you spotted what you were looking for and quickly hobbled over to push the fire alarm. 

The alarm rang in your ears. You coughed and winced as more blood came out of your mouth. Your chest ached with every step, every breath, but you kept going. Someone was yelling for help. Without thinking you snatched one of the little yellow curses and started absorbing it. You were careful not to heal your own wounds. You’d been able to help the lady, but with little understanding of internal anatomy, something told you you’d do more damage than good. 

You turned the corner and found a man in shock staring at where his hand once was. You rushed over and grabbed it with your free hand exerting the cursed energy into it. The little fiend shriveled in your hand again as the wound scabbed over.

As the alarm cycled you hoped people in the museum were evacuating. Since you were in the employee backrooms you couldn’t tell. The man stared at his hand traumatized and you left him there to try to find the creature. The closer you felt you got, the more of the little yellow demons swarmed the walls, like vultures waiting for prey. You pushed past twenty trying to get through a door frame and you were surprised to see that there were at least a hundred in the next room. The curse you were looking for was there too. 

It was a large pudgy creature, around 6 feet tall with frog-like features. It had grubby hands and ornate green stripes along its back. It was muttering something, you couldn’t make out the phrase. It had a disembodied human hand in its mouth and it was sucking on the exposed wrist draining it of blood. Every time it slurped, the fingers of the hand would contract open and closed. It made your stomach uneasy. 

The curse didn’t notice you coming in, it was too preoccupied trying to open the emerald box. You noted the curse had it backwards and was trying to pry it open on the side with the hinges. You didn’t know how much longer you had. You debated what to do. In this room the curse was isolated, it couldn’t access any more victims and hopefully a majority, if not all, of the people in the museum had evacuated. There was a sorcerer on the way, you could leave it here or wait outside of the door to direct them towards the curse. 

But the finger….You could get it while it was distracted, or at least try to. You had the katana and even though it was old, it was still a weapon. As you pondered what to do you noticed the room had gone silent. The creature was still mumbling and trying to get the box open but the other small yellow creatures had gone quiet. You put your hand on the hilt of the katana once again uneasy. You made your decision. Even if you were useless you could buy some time. You slowly crept closer and closer to the curse. You took a quiet breath before pulling out the sword and swinging it at the monster's neck. 

The sword hit the curse’s flesh with a loud thunk. It was blunt. Practically useless. The creature stopped struggling with the box and its head quickly turned to look at you. It had two sets of eyes, although they all seemed to be looking in different directions. Suddenly the curse made a dive at you, mouth open ready to bite. 

You attempted to dodge to the right but you were too slow to completely move out of the way. You felt a cool sensation on your arm and you turned to see your left arm in a sorry state. The skin on your forearm and elbow was gone. Blood poured out and you could only stare in horror. The pain hit you all at once and you barely managed to turn away from your arm, trying to locate where the curse was now. It was staring at you seemingly confused as to how it had missed you, the sliver of your flesh hanging down out of its mouth like a tongue. 

It looked like it was going to charge at you again and as you started backing away you realized your back was to the wall. It realized this too and moved forward at a ridiculous speed. All you managed to do was bring up the old katana. You shut your eyes embracing yourself for the fatal blow but you only felt the curses’ plump body falling into you, wriggling around. The sword was in your hand but your wrists were twisted awkwardly around the handle and you realized it had become stuck in the creature's mouth. You let go and pushed against the creature with your leg. 

In its shocked state, it stumbled backwards and you were able to see what had happened. It had opened its mouth wide and lodged the katana between the top of his mouth and his jaw. He couldn’t shut it. It reached desperately to try to pry it out but its stubby arms couldn’t reach inside its own mouth. 

You quickly took advantage of its distraction to try to locate the green box. You spotted it on the ground in the middle of the room.You looked back at the creature making sure it was still distracted and started sneaking away. 

It suddenly let out a loud screech and its body started contorting. Its head grew bigger and smaller, arms longer and shorter. It seemed to be trying to molt out of its body to get rid of the sword. But no matter how much it twisted and yelled the sword wouldn’t come out. You wondered for a second, what kind of curse was imbued on the sword. 

You took another step away and suddenly the creature’s attention snapped back to you. You tried to make a run for it but it hurtled its way in front of you and slammed you back into the wall. 

You yelled out weakly, more blood spilling from your mouth and your left arm sending a shooting pain throughout your body as your exposed muscle stained the wall with your blood. The curse moved its hands to your neck and lifted you up, choking you against the wall. You desperately tried to inhale and tried not to panic, but the combination of the pain and lack of oxygen wasn’t letting you think clearly. You kicked desperately at the curse but it wasn’t budging. You put your hands up to its wrists and tried to budge them to no avail.   

As you started to see dots, your kicks got weaker. You felt its grip tighten and your hands fell weakly onto its arms. You began trying to take the energy out. Your body felt almost as if it was on autopilot. No air and feeling defeated, you started to allow the cursed energy you were absorbing into you entirely. You felt a burning sensation on your arm and coming from inside your chest. Your entire body felt hot as you felt things fixing themselves. You also noticed the grip around your neck had faltered some as you took a desperate and choppy gulp of air. That little flow of oxygen allowed you to think a little more clearly as you kept absorbing the CE. 

You didn’t want to finish healing yourself but you needed to put the energy somewhere. You looked at the curse in front of you. Its face was right in front of your chest. You reached down with your right hand and grabbed the blade of the katana. You began transferring the energy into it. You felt the sword get hot and push back, almost as if it was refusing the new input of CE, but after gripping the steel tighter you felt the sword lose its dullness. 

The rust started to fall away and the metallic sheen of the blade began to glow. The edge of the sword was becoming very sharp. You wanted to let go but found that your hand was bound to it, the transfer requiring more and more CE and blood and pain. You felt the blade cut into your palm and you ground your teeth. You needed to stop. You ripped your hand away from the blade and removed your hand from the curse’s arm. You quickly put your hands into the curse’s mouth and grabbed its teeth and lip. You pulled its upper jaw down hard for it to close its mouth and watched as the newly sharpened sword point pierce through the creature’s palate and skewered out through the top of its head. As the tip of the blade suddenly appeared through its skull, the grip around your neck loosened and the curse dropped flat on the ground, twitching. 

You could only stare in shock at what had just happened. 

Suddenly a rush of the small yellow curses began moving forward to consume the liquids oozing out of the curse. You felt your stomach churn as you watched them lap everything up. You turned away from the sight and looked for the box. You took a staggering step towards the item, still laying in the middle of the room, and let out a yelp. Your entire body felt heavy and tired. You felt sick. You still had an excess of CE and your body couldn’t handle it. You collapsed to your knees as you neared the box. You placed your palms on the floor and tried to expel the energy from your body. The floor beneath you turned black and cracked. You poured it all out and felt slight relief, but still felt sore and achy. You looked back up at the box and reached for it. You took it in your hands and sat back. You took a shaky breath and laughed. That could have been bad. 

You jumped as you heard the door open and quickly turned towards it. You felt a slight pang of relief as you realized it was a pair of sorcerers. That relief turned to anger as you realized it was two students. 

Inumaki and Maki. They stared at you curiously and looked around trying to make sense of what had happened. You looked around too. The place was crawling with little yellow curses, a horde of them concentrated on the still twitching body of the large curse with a katana stuck through his skull. There was a human hand just laying limp to your right and you were sitting in the middle of the room. You bet you were a sight to see. Your suit was torn in various places, soaked in blood from wounds that had healed. 

“Are you okay?” Maki asked. 

“The curse-“ you stopped and put a hand up to your throat. It was burning and speaking felt difficult. Your voice had a heavy rasp to it due to your windpipe almost being crushed. You tried to clear your throat but it sent a sharp pain down it. “The curse has been defeated, I secured the finger.” You finally said fighting against the fire in your throat. You held up the box. “Are you two the only ones here?” 

“Daisuke is outside, he drove us here.” Another manager. 

“Tuna.” 

“We’ll take care of these creatures, Daisuke is waiting with another secure container to put the finger in.” 

You sighed and nodded. “Any casualties?” 

“None, almost everyone was evacuated. Police and firemen have arrived on scene. The veil you placed is very good.” Maki said. 

You slowly got to your feet and tucked the box under your right arm. You had healed your previously flayed left arm but it still felt sore. You put your hand on your left elbow to try to comfort it. “Be careful. He’s down but he’s got razor sharp teeth. Also we need that sword. If you could get it for me that would be great,” you said with a smile. You could tell from their faces that it wasn’t very convincing.

You limped out of the room and collapsed against the wall once you were out. They sent students? If the curse had gotten a hold of the finger the students would have been in serious danger. You would have surely been killed, and they wouldn’t have known what they were walking into. You were going to say something when you got back. You got back to your feet and started heading towards the exit. 

You spotted Daisuke talking with some policemen as you emerged from the veil. He looked at you shocked to see the state you were in and quickly pulled out a wooden box to put the cursed item in. You dropped the box into it and he quickly shut it, muttering some kind of extra enchantment on it. 

You leaned against the car exhausted and still feeling off. “Are you okay?” 

You looked at him and nodded. “Yes,” you hesitated. “But I think I’m going to need you to give me a ride back to the school.” 

The students finished up quickly and you sat in the passenger seat sleeping the whole way back. You felt uneasy still. Your bones creaking and your entire body sore. 

Once inside the school you insisted on taking the box and delivering it to the main office. You wanted to talk to the staff member you had talked with over the phone. 

You swung open the door to his office and stormed up to his desk. You dropped the box onto the infront of him and stared the worker down. “Here it is. One of the legendary Ryomei Sukuna fingers, one of the most powerful relics in the world, previously unwrapped and unbound less than an hour ago.” 

The guy looked at the box and then up at you giving you a criticizing glare. “You seem upset.”

“Why the fuck would you send two students instead of a high ranked sorcerer?”

The guy looked away from you and smirked. “They were the closest available and besides, if you were able to handle it why would I waste someone’s time?” He gave you a snarky smile. 

Your blood boiled. He had a point but you had gotten so lucky. “They could have gotten hurt if the curse had been able to get the finger, you didn’t know the whole situation of what was going on.” 

He shrugged. “It looks like I made the right decision. If you, out of anyone, was able to defeat the curse, there was no real danger. The curse even cauterized the wounds. None of the victims were in grave danger.” 

“What?” 

“Two of the victims were found with missing limbs but not even bleeding out or anything.” He started to act annoyed. “Look I have things to do, I expect your report by tomorrow, let us know your thoughts in the appropriate feedback section. Have a nice day. Get out.” 

You stared at him frustrated before storming out of the room and almost running into someone. “Sorry,” you muttered before looking up. It was Nanami. 

He looked down at you concerned by the state you were in, bloodied and sweaty. “Y/N are you okay?” 

For some reason that was your last straw. His question made your eyes start watering. You rolled your eyes blinking hard to try to stop the tears. “I’m fine.” You said not meeting his gaze. He didn’t move. 

“You should go see Shoko.” He said, his voice now softer. He moved his hand to your face, carefully placing it under your chin to make you look at him. His thumb grazed your cheek. You looked up at him and frowned, tears leaking from your eyes. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Nothing had been going your way and you were exhausted. You took a step forward towards Nanami and wrapped your arms around him. 

It was stupid, but you desperately needed some kind of comfort. He didn’t move at first but he eventually put his arms around you. You buried your face into his shirt and felt yourself relax for the first time in hours. You felt your eyes close right as your legs gave out beneath you.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

˚₊✩‧₊nana here: okay okay i got a little (a lot) carried away with the fight scene. I just love making Y/N a badass and I promise it makes sense later. Again theres a lot added in thats part of a longer story but idk...if anything i'll cross post here and ao3. Thank yall for reading and as always if you saw a typo, no you didn't.

please click on through to pt. 4 and if you did read this all, I love you.

super duper shout out to @zoldsick for reading and editing my crazy ideas, thank you cath<3

pt. 1 pt. 2. pt. 4 pt 5.

˚₊✩‧₊ taglist: @wrldtups @rjreins @phattyboo90 @tnyblacklesbo @silkija @justwantedachange @inthedarkshadows000 @nniiyyaa @starkmila09 @sikuthealien @wifenanami @bloombb @kentos-glasses @inciteterr0r

[karizard-ao3]

If it's not too much trouble, can I ask you about the college au? If we go back to their first episodes together, we'll see that Shinji and Asuka's relationship was a lot more uplifting and went in an upwards spiral until their kiss. It's not for nothing that Both of You, Dance Like You Want to Win is considered the happiest series ever got, and you can clearly see what they liked about each other 

To Shinji, Asuka is this high spirited girl full of drive and determination, something he believes he lacks. She's difficult but assertive. She's full of zest. Yeah she's hot, she can be flirty, and he's a teenage boy, it’s canon that he had his moments in private, but he admires her intensity and spirit, to the point of going to extreme lengths for her 

To Asuka, Shinji is one of the few, very few people in her whole life that held sincere care for her. He went after her when Misato threatened to pair Shinji with Rei. They had initial friction, but then he accepted her into their home and began cooking for her every day and spending time together. Those days with Misato and Shinji could be the closest Asuka ever had of a normal family life. By Magmadiver they were on friendly terms in the pool. She has feelings for him, not because he's yet another guy drooling for her, but because Shinji “my love language is acts of service” Ikari jumped down on a volcano without protective armor to rescue her. It probably meant the world to her 

What I'm trying to say is, it wasn't always so bleak. In the beginning it was quite hopeful. How does this translate to the college au?

You know, that is a great question that I hadn't really thought about in relation to the college au.

To me, the friction in the college au comes from two sources: 1. Asuka believes dating Shinji would not fit her sorority girl image and says so. 2. Shinji's people-pleasing keeps him from pursuing or even always realizing what/who he wants.

Asuka starts to realize she doesn't care if he fits her image and makes little overtures that he does not pick up on because of his low self esteem and shyness.

Asuka's insecurity makes her harsh. She pushes Shinji away so he'll have to prove he cares by coming back to her, but he stays back because that's what he believes she wants. It's an ugly cycle that could probably culminate with a confrontation similar to the EoE table scene, where she accuses him of using her for sex, he tries to tell her he cares about her, but she turns him down because she doesn't believe him.

They don't speak again after that and he grieves. She's his other half. He needs her. Maybe, until now, he's just played other people's music but after they start hooking up he starts writing his own songs, because she's unlocked something in him. She's his muse and he's her safe harbor.

I think I mentioned he drops out?

During their time apart, Shinji thinks about the things she said during their fight, which gets him thinking about what it is he wants from him life. What makes him happy? Who is he in his own mind's eye?

And then eventually he's able to figure it out and go to her and tell her who he is and ask if she still wants him

[jenyifer]

Ranking of BostonNick Dates(?)

So I’m gonna include anything not at Boston’s house or Nick’s house as a deliberate choice to go somewhere together. Ranking is based on how good mushy feels we get from the date so subjective. Best to worst.

1. Pool date so epically romantic Mew copies it next episode. Boston tells Nick he kind of wants to stop sleeping around and stick to Nick for a bit. Boston also before they get in the pool compliments Nick and! When Mew and Top interrupt them Boston doesn’t try to hide what they were doing. Terribly cute. Was so much fun and romantic that Nick had to go listen to the BostonTop audio while Boston took a shower and talked to Mew about losing his virginity. We know this from the end credit scene. So 10/10 made Nick feel super delulu cause Boston was so loving.

2. Lake date. Would be number 1 because I adore the song Side 2 Side lyrics are “I’m hooked on all your flaws” Boston is basically thanking Nick with this lake date for not abandoning him after what happened at Sand’s bday party. It can’t be number 1 because stupid Gap interrupts and brings reality crashing back down on our couple

3. Revenge on Atom at the bar. Well Nick won’t consider this a date but the previous entrants Boston would never admit to them being dates so it counts. I love them teaming up to get Atom to confess. I don’t have this higher because Nick’s emotions towards Boston while loving don’t give me the fuzzies. He’s trying to keep control. Nick doesn’t want to fuck up his heart again.

4. Mew’s birthday. Not romantic in fact horrifying however. Boston does go home with Nick afterwards and while they don’t cuddle Boston is there with Nick. He’s comforted by him so a plus.

5. Hostel Party number 1. Well. Nick got invited to the party and was seen with Boston there. Boston even said Nick could call their relationship whatever when Nick looked upset at having to call it frienship But….. Nick watched and listened to BostonTop. 10000000000 mental damage points taken.

I’m hoping to get the skating date on the top of this list next week.

[malinaa]

TOP 9 BOOKS

tagged : @hmsharmony ty jennifer this was SOOO hard oh my god like. genuinely agonized me for days to think about what to choose but it was SOOO fun tho <3 tagging : @rosesau | @evcndiaz | @pendrgcn | @gayarthur | @the-tenth-arcanum | @oretsev | @wherepoetsdie | @bellamyblakru | @ryekat & anyone else who wants to do it !!! rules : list your top 9 books obviously. i cheated a little and put series as as one option because that's just who i am as a person. most of these i chose at random from my 5 star reads from the past few years btw

1. percy jackson and the olympians (series) by rick riordan

i was never a big reader in elementary school—or at least not to the extent that my classmates had been. my sixth grade english class required us to bring a personal book from home for silent reading and i stole my brother's spine-cracked copies of pjo and brought them to class. i finished the whole series in less than a school week (i had to scramble to the library to pick up another series because the single novel should have lasted me at least three weeks). pjo literally kickstarted my love for reading as a hobby and i truly don't know how to state the importance it had on my little ten-year-old brain fr

2. on earth we're briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong

i have never read a book more beautiful in prose and so uncommonly human than this. there's just something so incredibly heartbreaking knowing this whole book is the narrator's letter to his mother who can't read! like what the fuck

3. alone with you in the ether by olivie blake

this came as a surprise to Me when i first read it. i meandered through the first quarter, loving the writing style but feeling disconnected from the characters until the Church Hand Scene™ and it was hook, line, and sinker at that point (i have since come to love the disconnectedness in subsequent rereads, knowing that the feeling was the Point). i have read this book four (4) times since i read it first last year. LAST YEAR!!! olivie has like... fundamentally altered my brain chemistry or something because i feel like everything i have written since having read this book has been somewhat influenced by it.

4. much ado about nothing by william shakespeare

what can i say! this is theeeeeee romcom ever. i have watched so many adaptations of this play, read it countless of times and can recite some iconic lines, and still the banter between benedick and beatrice is sooo elite. cannot be topped!!

5. a place for us by fatima farheen mirza

fun fact: seed rec'd this book to me and has been reccing it to anybody who would listen. the prose is so lush and melancholic. it's one of those books where nothing Really happens, but you feel Every Emotion Under The Sun and you're just like. altered by reading it

6. the song of achilles by madeline miller

obviously.... OBVIOUSLYYYYYYY this had to go here. if i had two nickels for every greek myth retelling i read during school that fundamentally changed me etc etc u get it. i read this as a junior in high school when we, yet again, had to bring a personal book to read durin class. i think at that point of my life, i've never read something that tragic yet so beautiful at the same time and now i am always looking at the beautiful and tragic in media. so! there u go! brain cells rewired and whatnot!

7. the grisha trilogy by leigh bardugo

this is funny because i . technically did not rate any of these books 5 stars i'm sobbing. but like, considering the fact that my url is what it is and the way i always have them in the back of my mind, it's no wonder that i put them here. i have such an odd attachment to these books and these characters. i had copies of these books since their release but didn't touch them until ... before the sab tv release which is so fucking funny. like i don't know what i would be like if i read this as a t(w)een. i would've been so fucking insufferable ngl

8. when my brother was an aztec by natalie diaz

i actually read this for an assignment and had to write a report on it and i had SO much fun doing it. diaz plays a lot with hunger and her imagery is literally unmatched. i think about the way she contructs sentences and am filled with such envy. my beginning sentence for my paper was a nod to her style (though i failed miserably). it was: "in a paradoxical sleight of hand, hunger feeds in natalie diaz's debut." she is just. so fucking good at words i need to CHOMP on it

9. sharp objects by gillian flynn

you know the thing where you see a really popular author for a really long time and they have their work adapted to the screen and it's so good but you still haven't read their actual writing? yeah, that was me with gillian flynn (specifically about gone girl). i read gone girl, i read sharp objects, i read her short story the grownup, i'm currently reading the last novel of hers that i haven't read, dark places, and flynn is just so... incredibly good at constructing harrowing stories. it's no wonder why all three of her novels got adapted to the screen! her prose is so grounded. vivid. there's this ease to her writing that, whenever i concurrently read another novel, i always find the other piece to be lacking. i slink back to flynn's prose and immerse myself in her awful, human worlds.

[waterparksdrama]

ok track by track review of Intellectual Property. GO!

as you wish anon. be warned this is literally like one of maybe 4 times i've listened to this album in full again

st*rfucker - a bit too saccharine on first listen but it has better replay value as time goes on. the beginning of the shoehorned jesus lyrics and the continuation of limo imagery to represent fame which is actually fitting admittedly bc just like a limo that is supposed to represent glamour and celebrity living, they are just as widespread and accessible as him and aren't really that glamorous at all. also this is me saying again wow he complains a lot about fame for someone who isn't really that famous. i still hate the cutoff at the end bc. cmon man. 7/10

real super dark - ok i did like the gilbert gottfried inspired melody i think that's fun actually. the song lyrics? uhhhhhh. just more complaining. if you have listened to any of the albums since fandom you are not missing much there other than the otto serial killer jokes he has inserted here? which is a choice i guess. instrumental is great tho. i feel incredibly stupid listening to a lot of the other parts of the song tho. 7/10

funeral grey - god i can't bear listening to this one on my own i'm sorry. live it's fine, but the studio recording i would rather kill myself than listen to again. IT'S SO ANNOYING. the terrible overenunciated vocals. awsten's attempt at humor by writing these wattpad fic lyrics that make me cringe to my core because i know there's a part of him being genuine. the one direction ripoff hook because he managed to get one of 1d's actual songwriters to help write the track. the only saving grace is the ending but at that point it's too late for any redemption. 2/10

brainwashed - ironically this was written with the 1d guy again and. i'm actually fine with this one LOL. it's simple and lowkey so it's considerably less annoying than funeral grey. considering awsten said the lyrics on this album were hypersexual, but it's 2023 so this is fairly tame, it just makes me wonder how much he has repressed in his psyche. 6/10

2 best friends - ok now we're back to simple annoying. if you tune out the lyrics enough, it sounds like disney channel filler music. but it's actually about ~~sExxxx~~ hahahahaha everything about this album so far is like reading fanfics clearly written by middle schoolers. awsten's sad about his situationship so he goes out with his 2 best friends to forget but it doesn't work :( but he could just fuck his friends bc it wouldn't hurt to try at this point. hey what if this was what the song was actually about that because in travis' insane songfic he made jawn and awsten hook up during this chapter #neverforget #riptravisficeventhoughmebitchingontumblrmadehimkillit 4/10

end of the water (feel) - hearing awsten try to hit those high notes reminded me of people saying brendon straining on his high notes on the last panic tour was like hearing a dog that needed to be shot out back for its own good. this is very obviously a charlie puth ripoff to the t because not only does he hit high notes that no man should ever reach, but i'm pretty sure the verse instrumentals rip off "light switch" by charlie. anyways more of "ughhhhh i'm not getting a text backkkkkk" that makes me want to throw awsten's phone into the pacific. i still don't know why kurtis conner is here and how this is supposed to relate to any of this at all. also actually now that i'm crossing checking the genius pages for these, the descriptions for these songs make them sound much better than they actually are lol. 3/10

self-sabotage - this one is mid on it's own but funny because i remember the amount of twitter discourse this song has spawned. "awsten's being toxic and misogynistic" did we not listen to some of the songs off fandom "awsten has bpd" what if he just sucks sometimes. the memories of this are more memorable than the song itself. 5/10

ritual - remember when i found out the soundbyte at the beginning was from an aids psa. good times. fine song other than the shoehorned soundbyte. the entire song is just a repetition of the verses and chorus like a ~~ritual~~ spooky! i like the flair vincente void adds with his screams i feel like this feature makes more sense because it's a song about protecting yourself from the doctrines of religion that harmed you when you were growing up and apparently vincente has known awsten since he was 13???? only thing i hate is the corpse ripoff ending so much so that i have a personal version where i edited that out. 8/10

fuck about it - BORINGGGGGG OH MY GODD. if you've heard one blackbear feature, congrats you've heard them all because they all sound the same and blackbear adds no energy whatsoever. he made a bayside instrumental sound boring you really can't underestimate him. anyways back to the song itself; the situationship has dissolved into pure sex and disinterest and annoyance outside of that and with the way awsten sounds like he plans having hate sex, i don't think he's ever had hate sex before. there's the ending synth i think is fun and that's the only reason this gets a point at all. 1/10

closer - it's a sweet song but um. haven't we heard this in a way before? *cough cough 21 questions* i think this is the closest (lol) parx comes to at a return to pre-fandom form, but when i listen to the chords too much i'm just like "did he lowkey rip off that one smashing pumpkins song". anyways it's just about needing to be closer to someone or ending the relationship completely. simple but effective but not nearly as effective as 21 questions for me sorry. 7/10

a night out on earth - ok i had physical tickets to the last tour bc i won them on idobi so i was like "THIS SONG BETTER BE AT LEAST DECENT BC I STILL HANG UP THE TICKET WITH THIS NAME" and it was at the least. it's like. a good waterparks song, but i feel like i've heard it already? my mind goes back to see you in the future but for these i can't tell who's ripping off who more lol. yeah i feel like other than some interesting production here and there it's a rehash of shit we already heard before. shoehorned religious lyric. fake ass band guys. "i turn my agony into songs and people only like when i'm hurt". "i've been dead since 2016" (part two). "i'm evil now. idgaf. wat ever."

and then i think the part that makes me go awwww but also confuses me is the im a natural blue radio interview snippet? like why does this all tie in together now. geoff's not even here bro how is this the only release where otto's the only one namedropped when awsten hasn't even named dropped him until last album. 80% the album is about some random relationship how is this supposed to tie into all of these.

idk i feel like i've just had this on my mind when when of my mutuals made their own analysis on awsten's mindsets towards life and said how he uses fear as motivation but his perfectionism keeps him from using failure as an editor and how this song was the peak example of this; the rehash of the same ideas over and over because despite his stubbornness, despite "ultimately -not- giving in to the perception that you’re worth ‘Demonizing'", he never confronts the problem for real, just compartmentalizes the problem away and doesn't truly overcome the root of his problems. that's what i feel like manifests in this album for me to be put off by it at its core. nothing ever changes, he just finds a new situation to complain at. maybe that's also why his fans never change even as new ones come though. maybe that's why we also stay stagnant in this with him.

again i get it, he's a public figure; if he did dive too deep into this and didn't choose to generalize the lyrics for his own sake, he would probably end up incriminating himself way too much and have a hard time performing some of these songs. but i can't help but wonder. if he's truly getting over a mental obstacle like that, or keeps himself so set on the future that he ignores the problems he never solved. like he always does. like he always seems to be doomed to. anyways, 7/10 song.

all in all, it's an album that tries to reach a concept of coming to terms with your sexuality and religious trauma all entwined in fame but in reality it's mostly just about a sucky situationship and awsten complaining again while putting in random religious references sometimes and the beginning and ending are about fame. my hot takes are: tennis imagery = gay sex, there's not enough of a distinction between "soulsucker" and awsten to make "album lore" when the overarching concept of parx's discography is "awsten's life sucks", and darth vader is luke's father. - iz

[fishy-styx]

Analysing the lyrics of 'Notion' by The Rare Occasions (and telling you why it's really fucking good)

So, I was listening to my therapy playlist (as one does) and, when this song came on, I had a Sudden Urge to write a sort-of-not-really essay about it (as one does). So, why not, right? (I'll also talk about why I personally love it so much, at the end. You can scroll down to the big, coloured text if that's what you want to read instead.)

While 'Notion' does have an Atheistic message (of how there is no afterlife, and that it's just a comforting lie), it's also about not letting life pass you by; you only get one chance, and you should make the most of it.

!! Also, before we start I'd like to say that I'm considering the first four lines as verse 1, the next four lines as verse 2, the instrumental as the instrumental, the next four lines as verse 3, the seven after that as the bridge, and the last four as the verse 4/the outro.

!!! Also, also, I'm coming at this from a mostly Christian perspective, since that's what I believe the song is mainly referring to, and because I'm an ex-Christian myself (now Agnostic) and thus understand that specific religion the most.

To start, Verse 1 gives us the hook and establishes the thesis of the song, right off the bat.

Sure it's a calming notion, perpetual in motion But I don't need the comfort of any lies

The main message is that while an afterlife and living on in perpetuity may be a comforting idea, it's not real, and the singer doesn't want or need it. Then it explains what the singer meant in the last couple of lines.

For I have seen the ending and there is no ascending Rise

I interpret this to mean that the singer knows or strongly believes that there is nothing after death.

The first two lines of verse 2 lines help give us some context about the singer and their past.

Oh, back when I was younger, was told by other youngsters That my end will be torture beneath the earth

When the singer was younger, they were told by their peers that they would spend their afterlife in Hell. I take this line to be showing that the singer was raised Christian, but didn't believe in it and now finds the overall philosophy harmful. These next lines elaborate on why their peers thought they'd go to Hell.

'Cause I don't see what they see, when death is staring at me I see a window, a limit, to live it, or not at all

The singer doesn't believe that there is an afterlife. Instead of seeing death as a new opportunity, the singer sees it as a time limit. They see it as something to encourage you to live the best life you can, while you can.

Then there's the instrumental break, which doesn't have lyrics (obviously), but I'd like to mention it since it's actually my favourite part of the song.

Verse 3 starts off with a question to get the listeners thinking. It asks:

If you could pull the lever to carry on forever Would your life even matter anymore?

To rephrase: "If you had the chance to live a perfect afterlife in Heaven, what's the point of your current, mortal life?" This is the singer arguing for why they find this philosophy harmful. If the afterlife is real, then your current life becomes pointless aside from staying true to God and not straying from his path. The singer thinks life should have meaning, and this sort of thinking invalidates that. The second half of verse 3 reiterates the hook and thesis.

Sure it's a calming notion, perpetual in motion But it's not what you signed up for

While it's comforting to think that death isn't the end, the singer says that the listener didn't sign up for living forever, and implies that the listener might not know what it entails. They're saying you didn't sign up for following all these rules about following God's will or even having an afterlife.

The bridge begins by telling us that the singer knows that life won't always be great, but it's not all bad, either.

I know there won't always be sunshine But there's this momentary beam of light

These lines use the metaphor of sunlight to talk about the good in life. It's saying that life will not always be good, but that there are bright spots, so to speak. There are moments of happiness and success; it's not always gloom and suffering– the weather changes. The next part of the bridge is quite direct about its messaging.

You don't have to wait the salty decades To get through the gate, it's all in front of your face

It's telling you that you don't have to wait for your life to end to get to heaven; your life is in the present, and you should be living it instead of treating it like a chore to be rewarded for with eternal paradise. The last bit of the bridge just reiterates the first two lines of the bridge.

I'm sure there won't always be sunshine I'm sure there won't always be sunshine But there's this momentary beam of light

Finally, the outro/verse 4 starts by speaking in hypotheticals.

I could cross the ocean in a fit of devotion (I'm sure there won't always be sunshine) For every shining second, this fragile body beckons (I'm sure there won't always be sunshine)

By saying this, the singer is telling us that they could spend their whole life with their "fragile body" and limited time devoting themselves fully to God and aiming for the afterlife, but as they've established before, they believe that this is pointless. Underneath this whole outro, the refrain of "I'm sure there won't always be sunshine" is being repeated, once more reinforcing the message that life is never all bad. The next part directly calls out and people who look down on others because they follow God.

You think you're owed it better, believing ancient letters

In this the singer is admonishing people who think they're better, and that they deserve a good afterlife, just for believing in old texts that tell you to believe in a god. And the song ends with the thesis:

Sure, it's a calming notion, but it's a lie

To sum things up, the song message is this: "There is no point in waiting for the afterlife that will never come; live in the present, and don't waste your precious years." It's a profound message that is comforting in it's own right, even while it tells you that there is nothing after death.

Now I get to ramble about why I love this song. If you just came here for the analysis, you can leave now, but please do tell me what you thought about it (it gives me serotonin).

This section is going to be much less essay-y so if you came for mildly unhinged ramblings, this is for you.

So, Notion, where to start? Now that I don't have a structure to follow, it's kinda hard to figure that out.

Well, the instrumentation is great. I'm such a sucker for rock, and the bass is absolutely amazing. The acoustic version is also great, and um, that's about it. I've already spent two and a half hours (straight) on the analysis, so I'm not going to go in-depth on the music. You can just listen to it if you haven't already and hear what it sounds like and say, "wow! Fish is totally right, the bass is really nice, also fish is such an amazing and cool person for writing this essay that I really wanted to read." (okay, maybe not that last bit, but I hope you agree that it's a banger song)

The lyrics are really cool and good and (gimme a sec to find a synonym...) superb. They really hit me in the soul and I can relate to them as an ex-Christian and as someone who has (and still is) struggling to find meaning and purpose in life. You'd think the idea that there is no afterlife would make me even more depressed, but it's honestly kind of motivating. I wish I could write another essay on how I feel about this as an ex-Christian, but again, I hyperfixated on this for two and a half HOURS; my eyes are dry from staring at my screen, my hands are starting to cramp, and my back hurts from slouching. I think I'll spare myself this time.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[ceramicdove]

[deep inhale] So these guys huh

Avataro Sentai Donbrothers (2022, currently ongoing), written by Toshiki Inoue (the man who put a gay sex scene in Rider Time: Kamen Rider Ryuki (2019)), is about a lot of things but basically there's this higher plane of existence called Ideon the stability of which heavily relies on human thoughts and feelings (despite the Nouto, its main inhabitants, being unable to understand said human feelings). When a human's desire goes out of control they become a monster called a Hitotsuki and that's bad for Ideon so they sent three people (read: Sonoi and his high school besties. Yeah they got high school there apparently) to the human world to do something about it (spoiler: they end up falling in love with humanity in their own ways and now the Council kinda has to execute them oops). Sonoi is their leader and while he genuinely values human life a lot he's also disgusted by human greed and desire and stuff. Enter Tarou Momoi.

Tarou, the main character, is a human (not really actually but that's not relevant right now) guy who's 1) better than everyone at everything, 2) physically unable to lie (like, it straight up temporarily kills him), and 3) wants nothing more than to help people. Sonoi tells him he wishes more people were like him. Also he tells him he is hope to him. Also they talk about how beautiful the moon is. Also Tarou suggests going to eat out sometime (they do manage it but much later and everyone else is forced to watch their date). And more. You get the idea. This is all until Sonoi finds out Tarou is actually the guy he's been fighting for the last several episodes, upon which he (distraught) goes "actually nvm you are despair to me" and manages to kill him (because since Tarou can't lie he just casually asked him about his weak point earlier).

However Sonoi feels insanely bad about taking advantage of him so he helps bring Tarou back (tooootally so they can have a fair and just rematch). And then they do have a fair and just rematch and Sonoi dies but then Tarou ends up helping bring him back and because it was done using some of Tarou's power Sonoi has red eyes now and acts kinda like him. This is what he has to say on the matter: "We're alike, you and I. Like the sea and the sky! The two of them face each other, but can never commingle! But, even so… they share the same blue!" (homosexuality?) And then they rematch and he kills Tarou and then Tarou comes back and then Sonoi's back to normal and now they just kinda fight each other for fun regularly they're like if Romeo and Juliet were two gay autistic men I think. Here is their character song (it plays at the end of the ep where Sonoi dies). What did they mean by this I wonder

Absolutely horribly written ask but I am not an expert on them so sorry I probably got something wrong and/or missed something. I asked my friend who I think IS an expert on them about what I should absolutely mention were I to ever explain them to someone with zero prior Donbros knowledge and they just said this

Other fun Sonoi facts: once he decides to help Tarou with his delivery job (don't ask) and Tarou goes "don't worry about how he's dressed" to a customer and Sonoi is like "I'll have you know I'm considered a fashion leader in my world :/" and yeah it just kinda goes like that. I hope you could understand my vision because I could not put it into words

KIARA. [CRAWLS TO YOU WHILE COVERED IN BLOOD] I MADE IT. I made it. I'm here now.

Thank you so much for sending this to me. Starting off so early with the phrase "the man who put a gay sex scene in Rider Time: Kamen Rider Ryuki" is truly genius. There really is nothing else that gets you hooked quite like that.

JUST BASED ON THE BAREBONES CONCEPT, THIS ACTUALLY VAGUELY REMINDS ME OF A WEB COMIC/WEB NOVEL I CAME UP WITH AND STARTED MAPPING OUT CIRCA AGE 13-14? Similar dichotomy surrounding feelings and humanity (or lack thereof). I envy my younger self's ability to be passionate about an original project like that, because these days my ability to create & design original characters is truly, completely dead. Back to the relevant things, though. I'm truly sad I didn't find this earlier, because I feel it could have rewired my brain around that age. But I truly feel like this is a wonderful concept to explore.

THE PART ABOUT "PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO LIE (LIKE IT STRAIGHT UP TEMPORARILY KILLS HIM)" WAS SO FUNNY I'M SORRY. NO CLUE WHY OR HOW THAT HAPPENS TO HIM (feel free to explain if you want to) BUT...YEOWCH! Damn he's fucked. I am kind of already fond of him, though...you were right in your assumption, I do feel this is a set of characters I'd be likely to latch onto. Especially given the entire...Problem they have surrounding the murderfighting hope/despair thing. That is awesome and so beautiful to me.

Kiara. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the absolute gem that is the phrase "they're like if Romeo and Juliet were two gay autistic men I think". This means the world to me. I would pin this to my heart if I could. The world needs more Romeo and Juliet that are two gay autistic people. It's really necessary to the ecosystem, and also to...me!

I'm also listening to their song right now. IT'S GOOD? It's genuinely quite good. I really enjoy the jazziness and atmosphere of it all. "As paths cross/A certain sensation's felt/A connection/that can't be quantified/Whether to join hands/or clash/Only the moon knows/the outcome" Ahemmm ummmmmhmmm [BATS MY EYELASHES MEEKLY BEFORE RUNNING AWAY AND TRIPPING LIKE AN ANIME GIRL/NEWBORN BABY DEER] I wonder what that certain sensation is...! Oh my! Oh my...!

Your friend's input is also deeply valuable to me because likening two characters to elementary schoolers with crushes on each other also trying to kill each other is another good way to set a mousetrap for me. Elementary school gay autistic romeo and juliet murder is truly top 5 pairings any piece of media has ever come up with.

TAROU HAVING A DELIVERY JOB WAS A SLAP IN THE FACE. But I think I can understand your vision. I think I can. I may never know the full truth, but I can keep my heart open and absorb the psychic energies of these two little freakazoids.

Thank you so, so, so much for sharing this piece of information with me. I don't think I ever would've found out about them otherwise. Perhaps some day soon I'll be thinking back on them and I'll go on a little deep dive journey to learn more. Who knows?

And of course, thank you Toshiki Inoue for everything you contributed to our society. After Kamen Rider fucking and gay autistic Romeo & Juliet, the universe will never be the same. I hope his mind continues to produce...whatever is going on up there. God bless!

[amethystina]

First Lines Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favourite authors!

@miss-ingno did this (a VERY long time ago) and tagged anyone who wanted to do it, so here I am! It sounded like a fun way to look at how I start my fanfics. I will be skipping over ficlet collections and sequels in a series, since I want the FIRST first line of the fanfic. A different POV for the same story will be seen as its own fic. I won't limit it to any specific fandom, though (honestly, there's only one I've even written more than 20 fics for x'D ) and they will be listed newest to oldest.

It’s long, though, so I’ll put the actual results under the cut! :D

1. Until Death Do Us Unite, Strangers From Hell The day after Jong Woo was released from the hospital, the dead rose from their graves.

2. Who Holds the Devil, The Devil Judge Ga On was tired.

3. Gravitational Pull, The Devil Judge Ga On's heart wouldn't stop racing.

4. Talk to Me, The Losers Jensen had always known that he was, on average, more talkative than most people.

5. Twice Is Enough, The Avengers The first time Bucky saw Anthony Stark, the man's brilliance left him breathless.

6. Say You Love Me, Teen Wolf The thing Stiles probably hated the most about Derek was his ability to leave him speechless.

7. Siren Song, The Losers Carlos stepped inside the dimly lit pub and tried not to wrinkle his nose in distaste.

8. And Time Again, The Avengers On average, Tony would consider himself a pretty observant person.

9. Jigsaw, The Losers It might sound like a terrible cliché, but Jess knew long before Jake, himself, figured it out.

10. Trust Is Earned (And Sometimes Given), The Losers Cougar knew he only had himself to blame.

11. Plus One, The Avengers Bucky took a deep breath and pushed open the door to his favorite bar, instinctively relaxing when the familiar smells and sounds washed over him.

12. Nethermost, The Avengers "If you're going to be blowing bubbles for the rest of the night, can I at least get a gum too?"

13. Five Times Cougar Thought Jensen Was Bad at Flirting and One Time He Didn't, The Losers "Oh no, here we go again." Pooch shook his head and, with a grimace, looked away in secondhand embarrassment.

14. Let's Build a Happy Ending (For You and Me), The Avengers Bucky would be lying if he said that he wasn't worried when Steve brought him to the Tower to meet the rest of the Avengers.

15. Let It Grow, The Avengers Tony stepped inside the flower shop on pure impulse.

16. Where You Belong, The Losers Jensen knew from experience that being transferred to a new team could be jarring at best and traumatic at worst.

17. A Future With You (Is My Happy Ending), The Losers "You look really tired."

18. Tech Support, The Avengers "Sir, another call on line eight," JARVIS announced.

19. There Be Dragons, The Losers Cougar, like every other living human being, was aware of the existence of dragons.

20. Losing You (Is My Supervillain Origin Story), The Avengers Of all the terrible things Bucky had done, this might actually be the worst. _____

As for my reflections, I'd say that I usually try to keep my first lines relatively short and to the point. Often a statement or action of some kind that can usually be followed up with a question of "why?" or at least spark a desire for some further explaining. I try my best to hook a reader from the first line, I guess? And give them a reason to keep reading because they want to find out what that first line was referring to.

Since these fics span five years (the newest a WIP I started in 2022, the last written back in 2017) you can also see that I don't use dialogue as the first line all that much anymore. To be honest, I think that's mainly because of the length of the fics, though. It's an easy way to start the shorter ones and I was a lot more prolific back in the day, though most fics were also a bit shorter.

I also have a tendency (with some exceptions) to mention the POV character in the first line, since it's a good way to establish who we're following.

My favourite first line out of these is probably:

Cougar, like every other living human being, was aware of the existence of dragons.

Because it establishes:

A) The POV character

B) Dragons exist in this world

C) Humanity is aware of them existing

D) And Cougar appears to be rather blasé about the whole thing

This one is a very close second, though:

The day after Jong Woo was released from the hospital, the dead rose from their graves.

Because it establishes:

A) The POV character

B) The specific time it's set in relation to the canon timeline (if you know, you know)

C) Oh fuck, there are zombies

D) Yoon Jong Woo just cannot catch a fucking break

I very much enjoy the challenge of forming a first line that conveys as much as possible, though it obviously depends on the story if that's possible or not. Still, it's very fun to try and come up with one :D

And, finally: if you want to do this, consider yourself tagged!

[flirting-with-psychology]

101 curious questions. Let’s talk.

What’s your biggest insecurity?

Being awkward

What’s your biggest physical insecurity?

My weight

Do you like the person you feel like you’re becoming?

Not as much as I had hoped to by this point in my life

What’s the one thing you feel like everyone knows how to do except you?

Make friends

Do you suffer from anxiety/depression/PTSD/other?

Anxiety probably

Where were you born?

Colorado

What do you think people say about you when you’re not around?

Idk, I'm not sure if they talk about me

Do you look up to anyone in your life?

Not actively

What makes you feel guilty? How do you resolve it?

Not being a good girlfriend or daughter. I don't really resolve it

What’s your boring hobby (that you still enjoy anyway)?

Social media

Do you like who you are around people?

Not really, I'm too shy and awkward except for a few people I feel comfortable with

Do you know what your plans for the future are? Do you like them?

Haha noooo

Tell a secret.

I'm not sure I really have a good one

What petty event are you still embarrassed about?

My dad took me to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I guess in his day everyone danced to the Time Warp, so he dragged me up to the stage but no one else came up so it was just us and the performers

Do you get wanderlust? Where do you want to go?

Yeah, I'd like to go to Europe. Also stay in those cool really expensive hotels that only rich people can afford even a night in

Romantically, do you prefer men, women, both, any/don’t care, or are you aromantic?

Men

How many parents do you have?

2

Do they get along?

Yes, but they are divorced

Do you swear?

Fuck yeah

How many siblings do you have? Where are you in relation to them?

None

Have you ever had to hurt anyone emotionally?

I'm sure

Has anyone ever hurt you emotionally?

Yes

Do you believe in an afterlife?

No

What lies do you believe anyways?

It's fun to suspend disbelief for reality tv

Would you consider yourself poor, average, or wealthy?

Below average

What does your favorite tattoo mean to you? Or if you had to get a tattoo, what would it be? Why?

I don't have any. I thought about getting a heart on my arm because I wear my heart on my sleeve, or "Carpe Diem" because I like the quote

How many groups of friends do you have? How do they vary?

A couple main ones that I play DnD with

Do you work? If so, what do you do? Do you like your job?

I work for a TV company, it's pretty cool

Do you want to have a partner for life?

Yes

Who have you never forgiven? Why?

Jerks from school, never saw a reason to be friends with them and they never tried to be nicer to me

What are you looking forward to right now?

My trip to my boyfriend's parents' house for Christmans

If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

Wish I had figured out how to date in high school or college

What’s your favorite color in context?

What context? I think teal looks best on me

What unpopular opinion do you have?

Cancel culture is excessive and it's ok to like something without supporting everything about the person/people who made it

What’s the last good book you’ve read?

Mistborn (reread) and Shadow and Bone (1st time read)

What’s your favorite book?

Harry Potter

Favorite poem?

Not sure

Favorite movie?

Back to the Future

Favorite song?

All Too Well by Taylor Swift

Favorite food/type of food?

Chocolate or cheese

What kind of food activates your gag reflex?

Lots of foods, I'm pretty picky

What do you feel like you’re missing from your life right now?

Direction

If you could choose your own name, what would it be? Why?

I did choose my own name

What’s the earliest dream you can remember having?

Maybe a recurring nightmare about hooks coming out of my ceiling

What’s the most recent dream you can remember having?

I accidentally broke the record I got for my boyfriend for Hanukkah

What’s the most beautiful dream you can remember having?

The magical kingdom I became queen of

Do you have a car? What kind is it?

Subaru Forester

Are you afraid of death?

A little, but it's not really on my list of pressing things to worry about

Have you ever attempted to take your own life?

No

Describe your dream job?

Being a student forever

Are you religious/spiritual?

No

What do you do to calm yourself down?

Lately, play solitaire

What’s the most annoying thing that happens to you on a regular basis?

Going to my job

Do you live in an urban, suburban, or rural area?

Suburban-urban

What’s the one talent you wish you had?

Being able to talk to anyone

Do you do well or struggle in school?

Did well

Do you have a speech impediment?

Not really, but we joke that I have a "speak impediment" because I do screw up words sometimes and when I asked my friends if I had a speech impediment I accidentally said speak impediment

What’s the most terrifying thing that’s ever happened to you?

Not sure

What’s the happiest day of your life you’ve ever had?

Marching band state finals senior year of high school was a good one

Early, on time, or late?

Late

What quirks do you have?

Probably several

Do you wish you could start tomorrow with a clean slate? Why/why not?

Not really, I don't know what I would do with it

Do you ever get paranoid?

Yeah

Do you believe in human souls? Where do you think they come from?

Not really, but I am curious about where consciousness comes from

What’s one mistake that you’ll never make again?

Agreeing to run the music at a wedding

What fandoms do you belong to?

Taylor Swift and Choices are the ones I participate in a bit

What are your old URLs?

I think my old one was shineslikestars or something?

How often would you say you lie? Why?

Rarely, and only little white lies like "yeah you look good in that"

Do you like the kind of attention you get from other people?

Usually, but I don't get enough attention

Are you in a relationship? What’s your favorite thing about your partner?

Yes, he is a really good cuddler

Are you concerned about the environment?

Not as much as I should be

What stresses you out more than anything else?

The future

Credit, debit, EBT, or cash?

Debit

Who’s your favorite historical figure?

F. Scott Fitzgerald

What’s that movie you know is bad but enjoy anyways?

Not Another Teen Movie

Do you masturbate (be honest)?

Yeah

What’s your kink?

Not gonna answer that

What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends?

Doing some of my more OCD hobbies like making lists

What’s your most prized possession?

My stuffed dog Bruno

Are you ever proud of yourself?

Yeah

Do you ever tear yourself down?

Yeah

Do you ever tell people how you’re feeling?

Yeah

Do you like when people guess how you’re feeling?

I usually just tell them. If I don't, it means I'm hiding it on purpose to not make the situation about me

Are you worried about someone close to you? Why?

Not particularly, but my parents a little since they are getting older with health problems

What kind of interview questions do you answer to yourself?

What does this mean?

If you could meet anyone, living, dead, or unborn, who would it be?

Taylor Swift

If you had a clone of yourself and the two of you didn’t have enough resources, would you get along?

I probably wouldn't get along with her even if we did have enough resources

What kinds of things confuse you?

Computer code

Do you feel too hot or too cold more often?

Too hot

If you had to live in any past time period, which would it be?

Medieval (if I was upper class) or 80s

What’s your sign? you feel like it matches your personality?

Sagittarius. It doesn't particularly match

Do you believe in astrology?

No

Do you like extreme activities, like white water rafting, surfing, roller coasters, etc.?

I like roller coasters but I don't put them in the same category as extreme activites, which I don't really like

Are you waiting for someone to save you?

Not really, but maybe a tiny bit

Can you remember the last time you made a deep personal connection with someone?

I sort of did with one of my coworkers at the work party last night

Do you like where you grew up?

Yeah

What’s your favorite word?

I don't have one

Would you consider yourself an interesting person?

Not especially

Which people in your life do you wish knew you better?

My friend group

Are you okay?

Pretty ok

What’s been going through your mind lately?

The future

[sourholland]

Omg u should do an imagine of season 2 the bonfire scene but instead of it being Sarah and John b it could be the reader and jj and tipper being the readers ex and the use like a random girl from the party

Bonfire || JJ Maybank

Summary → You and JJ are broken up and Topper takes you to the annual bonfire.

AN → This is based off of an episode in szn 2 so OBX2 SPOILERS! Send in OBX concepts/requests!

Pairing(s) → JJ Maybank x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Strong Language, Underage Drinking, Violence, Blood

Word Count → 1.0k

“I’m planning on getting absolutely shitfaced, how about you?”

Topper couldn’t help smiling at you, taking a sip of that Natty Light he’d been thrown a few minutes before. The clouds were hanging low in the sky, only a few stars visible through the thick smog. That didn’t stop the blazing fire from sending up grey smoke into the air. Clusters of teenagers were sat around the fire, others messing around on dirt bikes and skateboards.

“Don’t you think you should just take it easy? I don’t want you to make yourself sick,” he told you, leaning over to get closer.

He had been an amazing friend in the week you’d been staying in his pool house. After getting off Figure 8, you and the rest of the Pogues ran off and got into some deep shit. Your parents told you not to bother coming home, mad about how you were dating JJ and sneaking off every other night. Once the cops got involved, you figured you were royally fucked.

So a few days before the bonfire, when you weren’t thinking straight and broke up with him, you essentially had nowhere to go. He was family. The Pogues were family.

Topper let you crash at his, though. It was weird at first, mostly because you had history and everything. You had no choice, it was his place or sticking around the Cut and having to sleep ten feet away from JJ.

“This is me taking it easy,” you sighed, taking another sip of the beer in your hand.

“If you’re not up for this, Y/N/N,” he started with a tone of seriousness. “We can head out and go get something to eat if you want.”

God, why did he have to be so respectful and sweet. It made it so much harder. He woke you up for school in the morning all week, brought you breakfast, helped with whatever homework you didn’t have the energy to do.

And still, you missed JJ more than anything in the whole fucking world.

Topper slung his arm over your shoulder, pulling you into him a bit closer than would be considered platonic. You could smell his Armani cologne, the one he always wore when you were together. And as if timing couldn’t get any better, you looked up from you drink to see JJ being pressed by some senior girl you recognized from your lunch period.

His eyes flickered from her dark hair to you, taking in your appearance and the way Topper had you so close. His lip was busted, cheek sporting a black and blue bruise from a right hook he’d received a few days prior.

“You alright?” Topped asked, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Mhm, yeah,” you mumbled. “I’m fine.”

The speaker was blaring whatever song, the girl placing JJ’s hands on her hips and letting him sway her around drunkenly. He kept looking over her shoulder, watching you with a hard expression and narrowed eyes. She even at one point seemed to lean into him, waiting for a kiss. He looked the opposite way, ignoring the girl’s huff in frustration and continued to let her dance with him.

“I’m just gonna grab another beer,” you told Topper. “Hold on.”

Pushing through the groups of people, you kicked a few red solo cups and felt your face heat and heart quicken. You weren’t against confrontation, not when you knew he was trying to get a reaction from you.

JJ looked up, watching you near him and and tried to play it off like he wasn’t smirking ever so annoyingly. The smug look lasted until you were standing right in front of the both of them, hands on your hips and eyes trained on her specifically.

“Who’s your friend, J,” you said with more malice coating your voice than intended.

“What’re you doing, Y/N,” he asked. “Shouldn’t you be over there tending to Top and his frosted tips?”

“Fuck off,” you rolled your eyes.

You felt Topper come up beside you, JJ stiffening and the girl visibly upset at you talking to him. It was definitely not ideal, but you assumed that you looked upset to at least him. He always knew how to tell if you were in a mood.

“Look, Y/N. Just go, are you really so desperate that you can’t leave your ex-boyfriend alone?” The girl spoke up, getting into your face a bit.

“I’m sorry, were you talking?” You mocked her.

“He doesn’t want you—”

The sound of your fist colliding with her nose seemed to shut her up. There was a loud reaction from the clusters of teenagers, some taking out their phones to record you. JJ looked taken aback, but pleasantly surprised nonetheless.

“Crazy bitch,” she choked, spitting blood onto the ground.

“You want to see crazy? Get up and I’ll show you how fucking crazy I am!”

Topper put his arm in front of you, as if to stop you from doing anymore damage. This only struck something in JJ, his arms shoving Topper back onto the ground with a collective shout from everyone around.

“Don’t you ever fucking touch her!” He warned through gritted teeth.

It didn’t take long before both of them were on the ground, punches being thrown and people taking sides. John B and Pope had run up soon after, Kie pushing through everyone and yelling at JJ to knock it off. You grabbed him by his shoulders from the back, yanking him onto the ground and watching Topper back away.

“Both of you!” You yelled, “what the fuck is the matter with you, god!”

Sirens could be heard in the distance, meaning in the middle of whatever that was—a freshman probably called the cops. JJ stood with a battered face and black eye, he stepped up to you and exhaled with blood dripping down and his chin.

“This what you want?” He snapped.

He turned away, walking off and leaving you to stand there with glossed over eyes and a bruised hand.

[sirenofthetimes]

Every Proposal on Gilmore Girls Was Absolutely Unhinged

This show was rich in couples, swimming in conflict, and desperately lacking in healthy communication. Which made for some batshit marriage proposals! Let's go:

Christopher to Lorelai in Season 1 ep. 15: Christopher Returns

In Christopher's first appearance on the show, he rocks up to Stars Hollow on his motorcycle at the end of the previous episode, out of the blue, and in this one archetypes are made clear: he establishes himself as the irresponsible deadbeat single dad to Lorelai's hardworking, mature yet still fun single mom. They have a weird dinner with everyone's parents where his parents, Straub and Francine, are shown to be even more uptight and awful than Richard and Emily can be. A lot of fighting and yelling and relitigating past choices ensues. Then Lorelai and Christopher go off to have emotional, nostalgic sex on her childhood balcony, and off the strength of that, he walks into her kitchen the next morning and blurts out that he wants to marry her so they can be a "real family". They barely see each other. They know hardly anything about each other's current lives. This is the first time he's visited the town they've been living in since Rory was a child and yet. A marriage proposal. Naturally, she turns him down, but we have not heard the last of Christopher Hayden.

Max to Lorelai in Season 1 ep. 21: Love, Daisies and Troubadours

This relationship was used mostly to discuss Lorelai's commitment issues, the difficulties of dating as a single mom, and have her fight allegations of her being promiscuous (which are not true, she can be very sexually conservative) by having her do something risky like try to date one of her daughter's teachers at the stuffy private school that also exists in her parents' world. So despite them having okay chemistry, they haven't really dated much and broke up after two months before getting back together shortly before the night of the proposal. Max comes by the house to pick Lorelai up and finds Luke there getting his toolbox and relaying the news that Rachel broke up with him (because she has a basic level of intuition and picked up on his feelings for Lorelai). Max and Luke have a very cringy dick measuring contest, Max (in possession of similar intuition) assumes Luke and Lorelai dated at some point but it's not season 5 yet so she's not legally allowed to admit she's into Luke. They argue, Max expresses frustration that their relationship can never seem to get off the ground, and what does he propose as a solution? Yoking their lives together in blessed matrimony. Lorelai is justifiably frustrated and tells him that's not how you propose, that a proposal is supposed to be special and grand. She lists "a thousand yellow daisies" as an example how to truly pop the question and the next day Max arranges for that famous logistical nightmare romantic gesture at the inn, then says some flowery bullshit on the phone and because it's the season finale and emotions are high, Lorelai accepts. Though later, right after her bachelorette party, she runs away and calls off the wedding. They meet a couple more times for closure, and then the relationship is truly dead.

Jackson to Sookie in Season 2 ep 13: A-Tisket A-Tasket

Sookie and Jackson's budding relationship has actually been pretty nice to watch up until this point. They have a fun balance between awkward but cute flirting and comical bickering about produce. But there's something in the area's water supply that makes people unable to clearly express their wants and needs in a romantic relationship so when Sookie doesn't respond how Jackson wanted her to to him saying his lease was up and asking her what she thought, he sulks. The sulking manifests itself in him not bidding on Sookie's basket at the bid a basket auction so she confronts him to see what's up and they actually manage to have a decent conversation about what moving in together would mean. And that could've been a nice ending for that storyline. But shacking up together? Out of wedlock? Impossible. So at their picnic for two, Jackson fakes Sookie out and says he doesn't want to talk about moving in together any more... because he thinks they should get married. Sookie, reeling from that whiplash, accepts, and since the rules of TV beta couples states they must move faster than the main will-they-won't-they couple at all times, they get married, stay married, and continue struggling to effectively talk through big life decisions,with some admittedly nice moments in between.

Lorelai to Luke in Season 5 ep 22: A House is Not a Home and Season 6 ep 1: New and Improved Lorelai

Lorelai and Luke are in kind of a weird place at the moment, with Luke upset with Lorelai for considering selling the Dragonfly to a corporation owned by one of her father's contacts, which would have her traveling and consulting instead. While she's not too serious about it, she's enjoying being courted by the company, but this is in complete disregard for the giant house Luke bought without telling her or the kids he's thinking about having that he also hasn't discussed with her so it's causing problems. This is forgotten however with the news that Rory wants to take time off from Yale after receiving some rare negative feedback, and that Richard and Emily are letting her stay with them after just telling Lorelai they would help her force Rory back into Yale. So when Lorelai walks into the diner lamenting the fact that Rory is making a decision independent from the vision Lorelai had for her life, and Luke comes forth with a nonsensical plan to, again, force Rory back to Yale, Lorelai is touched that she finally has someone on her side. And since she's a veteran of the season finale marriage proposal, she celebrates having her partner agree with her by asking him to marry her. He accepts in the next season's premiere with no hesitation, but eventually their tendency to hide things from each other to not ruin their relationship.... ruins their relationship. Shocking.

Zack to Lane in Season 6 ep 16: Bridesmaids Revisited

Zack is on a bit of a redemption tour after ruining Hep Alien's showcase in front of a major label by throwing a tantrum about Brian potentially writing a song for Lane. This random burst of jealousy sends him on a power trip that has him throwing out their set list and screaming at his band mates until a fight breaks out and the band and him and Lane split up. But when he sees Lane in the music shop some time later putting up a flier advertising her drumming services to other bands, the thought of her daring to potentially continue living her life without him spurs Zach into action. He convinces Brian and Gil to get the band back together and they're in if Lane's in. And his way of getting Lane back is to walk into Luke's while she's working, go off on some tangent about how he doesn't feel good, and propose in front of a huge crowd of gossipy small town people. Lane must have smacked her head on some antique furniture that day because although she at least stops to ask if he's thought about this, when he presents her with the pawn shop ring he got that "belonged to like an Elk or a Moose or something", she accepts and walks right into marriage and babies land and right out of development that would make sense for her character or be interesting.

Christopher to Lorelai in Season 7 ep. 7: French Twist

Ever since Lorelai walked out of her fraught engagement with Luke and into Christopher's bed, he has taken the reality of a woman coping with feelings of rejection by hooking up with the man she keeps stashed in the background for occasions such as these, and spun it into an elaborate romantic tale of two star crossed loves who waited their whole lives to be together. And when Sherry who, guided by the hands of karma, previously abandoned Gigi leaving Christopher to raise her on his own, writes a letter saying she's totally fine now trust her and wants Gigi to spend a few months with her in Paris, Christopher invites Lorelai along for a big romantic gesture trip. They spend most of it jetlagged, but Christopher remembers he's super rich now (as opposed to just being regular rich like before) and he bribes a restaurant to open early for the two of them. Lorelai, basking in the romance™ of it all, confesses her love, and Christopher pounces on that and starts in on a whole speech. Basically, even though he said he'd be willing to wait for Lorelai to fall in line with his vision, he doesn't feel like waiting any more. Lorelai, sensing where this is going, suggests they wait, as they've only been really dating for a couple of months. She also brings up Rory, figuring she'd want to be up to date and present any big changes. But Christopher waves those perfectly valid concerns away, stresses how long they've known each other, insists that they're meant to be, and fate has brought them together. And then comes out with it and asks her to marry him. Which are very intense words for Lorelai, an emotionally vulnerable woman who just broke off an engagement because her fiancé seemed overly hesitant to actually get married, to hear. We don't see her accept, but there's a scene of them returning home where he calls her "Mrs. Hayden" (as if she would ever change her name), and their marriage immediately began to fall apart like wet tissue paper.

Logan to Rory in Season 7 ep. 21: Unto the Breach

It's the end of Rory's time at Yale, and on the heels of her New York Times fellowship rejection, rejections from other newspapers across the country, and the fact that she rejected her one job offer for better things that did not come, Rory's future is wide open and unstable. On the other hand, Logan is completing his character transformation from irresponsible party animal trust fund kid to hardworking and responsible trust fund kid, accepting a job offer for an internet company in San Francisco. The question emerges: How will the young couple handle this next phase of their lives? And when Logan shows up at Lorelai's house in the previous episode, he comes with a solution. He wants to marry Rory and take her to California, and he wants Lorelai's blessing to propose. She gives it, though not without trepidation, and Logan does propose. In the middle of the graduation party Richard and Emily are throwing for Rory, he gets up in front of everyone and takes out the ring. Rory is caught completely off guard and takes him outside to talk about it, where he reveals that he got the job, picked out a house for them to rent, researched newspapers where she could apply to work, and even planned activities for them to do in their spare time. The original plan being that she would say yes to his proposal without knowing all this and walk blindly into her new, pre-arranged West Coast life. But Rory needs time to process the idea of marrying Logan immediately after college, and on the day of her graduation, she declines. Logan decides if he can't marry her, there's no point in being with her at all, and the two go their separate ways, to eventually meet again in a years long affair, for some reason. Though I barely acknowledge the revival.

Honestly, the only proposal that truly makes sense is Lorelai's to Luke in the revival but I won't discuss it here because a) again, the revival basically doesn't exist to me and b) they should've married during the original run of the show.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Dear Evan Hansen

You may have seen some ~online discourse~ about the film Dear Evan Hansen, an adaptation of the 2016 Broadway musical, and you might have wondered what all the hubbub is about. I mean, it’s a feel good story about a senior in high school, Evan Hansen (Ben Platt), who has some pretty severe anxiety and depression. While trying to fulfill an assignment from his therapist to write a letter to himself, his letter gets picked up by another student, Connor (Colton Ryan) - and later that day, Connor kills himself. Connor’s grieving parents and sister Zoe (Amy Adams, Danny Pino, and Kaitlyn Dever) are desperate to learn more from the boy they think was Connor’s best friend - after all, Connor’s suicide note was a letter addressed to “Dear Evan Hansen.” And, as you can imagine, Evan tells them about the unfortunate mistake and sits with them in their grief as they struggle to pick up the pieces of their lives. 

Just kidding! He lies to them, repeatedly, elaborately, expansively for months, constructing an entire false friendship with Connor that never happened, and ingratiating himself into the wealthy nuclear family he never had, in large part because he wants to get into Zoe’s pants! THIS IS THE PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY. Oh, and it’s a musical so there is a lot of singing and crying and singing WHILE crying and sometimes crying and not singing at all. But the #inspiration, you guys. 

Things I liked:

Pretty much everything but the story and Ben Platt’s performance. The supporting cast is stacked, and all of them do a great job at elevating material scraped directly out of a diaper worn by someone who just chewed their way through a copy of the DSM-5. 

A couple of the songs are damn catchy - “Waving Through a Window” and “You Will Be Found” are standouts for a reason - and here’s the thing, Platt sings them well. But as you’ll discover, there’s a lot more to a movie musical than just singing your part. 

Stephen Chbosky, the man behind every deep thought I and a lot of people in my generation had in 2006 after he wrote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is a pretty good director. I particularly enjoyed the fanvid-type cuts in “Waving Through a Window” in conjunction with the lyrics, and his use of interstitial shots to flashbacks (and sometimes flashforwards!) is a neat little bit of shorthand that I thought was used sparingly enough to be effective. 

Amy Fucking Adams. She’s holding on so hard, so desperately to the idea of who her son could have been, rather than the reality of who he was, and she is full of such deep pain that is masked by an almost endless supply of patience with Evan and relentless positivity. All this made me want was Enchanted 2 even worse than I already did. 

Super into everything Zoe wears - the costuming department did a great job, and now all I want to do is live in mom jeans and baggy sweaters.

Did I Cry? I teared up a couple of times because I’m not a completely heartless bastard and when Amy Adams offered Evan Connor’s college money, my heart broke for the lie Evan had thrust upon her, and Julianne Moore’s song got me good, because she’s just a single mom to Evan who is doing her goddamn best. 

Things I hated more than the time I dropped a frozen gallon container of fruit cocktail on my pinkie toe in my parents’ garage and it turned black and I thought it was gonna fall off:

Ben Platt is 28 years old. He originated the role of Evan Hansen on Broadway, so in many respects it makes sense that he plays the role in the movie, except for the one kinda sorta important thing where he looks like a wizened old crone standing amongst a sea of children doing his best twitching, cringing Hunchback of Notre Dame impression. If you want someone to convincingly play 20 years their junior, hire Paul Rudd. Otherwise, please don’t ask me to believe that this supposed 18-year-old has crow’s feet. 

And that twitching nervous energy is a huge part of the black hole at the center of this film - he’s playing to the cheap seats and walking through the halls of his high school like a wet chihuahua. It’s an excruciating acting choice to watch - he doesn’t just have anxiety, he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown seemingly every second of every day. Like honestly, where is only-mentioned-never-seen Dr. Sherman, because this young man’s meds are NOT WORKING DR. SHERMAN. 

There’s such a lack of self-awareness on behalf of the writing, directing, and performance by Platt. There’s one song, “Sincerely, Me,” that offers the only glimpse of commentary about what Evan is doing, by pointing out the malicious ridiculousness of him writing a series of fake emails as proof of his and Connor’s friendship. 

Also what high schoolers email this much?? I know this was written in probably 2014 or so, but has a bitch never heard of a text? Even a DM? This whole plot is constructed around the premise that high schoolers are just constantly, constantly emailing each other. 

Everything - and I mean EV-ER-Y-THING - about Evan’s relationship with Zoe is so creepy and disturbing that with a soundtrack change, this could easily be a horror movie. He attempts to get her to like him by describing to her all the things her brother noticed about her - oh wait, I’m sorry, all the things HE noticed about her while he was skulking in the shadows following her around for years, watching every move she made, and it ends with him singing repeatedly “I LOVE YOU” because following a girl around and never having a conversation with her or knowing her at all is love, right? This was clearly written by the same people who chose “Every Breath You Take” as their wedding song because Sting is hot and they never actually listened to the damn words. 

And it gets about 10 billion times worse when Zoe goes to Evan’s house alone, takes him up to his room, and sings “I don’t need reasons to want you” and that was the moment I was that person I hate in a movie theater and I pulled out my phone to Google who wrote the music and lyrics to the musical (we were in the back row of the theater no one was behind me THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE EMERGENCY) and of motherfucking course it was written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, 2 men who heard about meeting an actual human woman from a friend one time but otherwise are unfamiliar with the concept. 

Lastly, enormous serial killer vibes from Evan sending unlabeled flash drives anonymously through the mail with no note in an attempt to right his wrongs. That’s not catharsis, that’s how the next installment in the Saw franchise starts, with Evan in a Billy the clown doll mask showing up on the screen and asking if you want to play a fucking game. 

Also, I know it’s not possible for the narrative to justify this in a way that could be satisfying based on Evan’s actions, but what is with this thing where single working-class mom Julianne Moore is turning down rich people’s money for Evan to go to college? Like, obviously we can’t have that happen in the movie but in real life, fuck your pride! Take those rich people’s money!

I also know how movies work but nothing annoys me more than a giant group of high schoolers all getting beeps and boops to indicate text notifications all at the same time because I don’t know a single person under the age of 55 who keeps their ringer on. That shit is on vibrate AT MOST, and I feel like that’s a millennial thing. 

The emotional climax of the film is obviously Evan’s WAY TOO LATE confession, but the idea that it’s prompted by Connor’s family suddenly getting a lot of internet hate is, frankly, laughable. If Sandy Hook taught me one thing, it is that no tragedy is immune from trolls who live only to cause other people devastating emotional pain on the internet. That shit starts day 1. Apparently no one involved in this production has ever been on Twitter?

Also it feels like there should have been a dog somewhere in this movie and there was no dog, so points off for that too. 

Perhaps Dear Evan Hansen isn’t nearly as deep as it aspires to be. Perhaps it’s a morality play, a simplistic message of “Don’t lie, kids, lying is bad!” Major studio movies wrap themselves up with a nice bow at the end so everyone can feel good about themselves and leave with a happy ending, but the moronic cruelty on display here makes that feat feel impossible. We’re left with Evan in an orchard, reading Connor’s favorite books and staring into the big blue sky with all the self-actualization he’s earned now as a lil treat. And if Evan Hansen looked like an actual 18-year-old, it would be a lot easier to extend more empathy to him and his not-fully-developed prefrontal cortex, but it’s a little harder with this fully-grown, weathered man who was old enough to remember seeing Liar Liar in theaters. 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

Get some actual help and a haircut and maybe you can grow up enough to have an actual healthy interaction with any other living person, ever.

Sincerely, 

Me

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[andoqin]

Dramas I've watjched this year Pt 1

This is gonna be all the dramas I started and... have either paused or dropped for various reasons.

If I paused them I might go back to them at some point but if I dropped them that's it.

Mad for each other I like the main actors and I found the Netflix says I finished this... I have no memory of doing that, which should tell you a lot.

Doom at your Service - this one is on hold for now and I actually feel like finishing it because the premise and the actors are really for me and the mood the show brought to the table fits with my end of the year mood. I do think being able to binge this will be beneficial, because I think it wont actually hold up to much scrutiny especially in the latter half. (On Hold for now, 4 eps watched)

True Beauty - I knew this was going to be a hard sell for me and I was right. I always have trouble with high school shows, part of it is my age and part of it is the saccharine spin shows will often put on that. I dropped this fairly early on and I don't think i'm going to give this another chance. The main actress tries, but it's not enough and the cute lesbian romance my heart wanted was not going to happen :<. (Dropped, 4 eps watched).

Novoland: Pearl Eclipse - now granted I didn't technically watch an episode - 2021 had me too wary to start sth and I wanted to give it some time, but I followed along closely enough for the first 10-15 eps on my dash... and well considering how hyped for it I was and how much I *wanted* to watch it it deserves a spot on this list purely on account of the collossal waste of talent, time and audience patience this show is responsible for. (0 Eps watched but way too much time spent reading rants)

Awaken - This started in 2020, but I didnt watch (parts of) it until it was complete. I tried 3!!! times to finish this, with crime shows it's often a matter of me being in the right mood/the show hitting me in the right way until I'm invested because there's no romance (usually) to hook me emotionally. The reason I tried to watch this three times is purely Nam Goong Min and a little bit of the premise, but my god the editing is so bland, the show so averagely shot and the writing not good enough to carry it. (Idek how many eps I watched but I tried!!! 3 times!!!! damn you NGM!)

Inspector Koo - This one I'm DEFINITELY going to finish, now that it's all complete but currently I'm not in the mood for it at all. I can see it's strengths and I'm loving Lee Young Ae and Kim Hye Joon playing off of each other (and what a delightful dynamic that is!!) and the surrounding characters are all very interesting (need to find out what Santa's deal is!) but for some reason the thought of actually finishing it fills me with blah at the moment, which the show doesn't deserve. (6 eps watched - on hold for now)

The Sword and the brocade - TANG SONG YUN, WALLACE CHUNG!!! in a historical drama together, in pretty pretty costumes. It should have been great! But this drama suffers from its length, and even the beginning has some hilarious weird things about it (the fact that he saves her from drowning and its... nbd??? apparently????????) but I was willing to overlook that because they had a lovely understated sort of chemistry, and Tang Songyun really tried to get everything out of her role, but the writing just let down the show so hard I dropped it at the midway point and just never bothered to pick it back up and basically forgot about it. (20ish eps watched. Dropped)

Jun Jiu Ling - I was initially excited for this, I mean I didn't enjoy the source novel a whole lot, but it had Peng Xiao Ran! and Jin Han!!! maybe they can save it but lmao no, I watched 2 episodes and basically peaced out. PXR looked bored and lifeless and Jin Han is not a strong enough actor to really elevate a shoddy script. This isn't to say he's *bad* but if the writing doesn't favour his strength he's completely adrift. This, coupled with the blah production values makes this an instant miss. Only read @purplehanfu's hilarious recaps for this show! (2 eps watched. Dropped)

Jirisan - JOO JI HUN, Jun Ji Hyun!!! I'm just noticing a trend in the last three dramas. I get overly excited for the cast, because I think they largely pick dramas I like, but man the case of blah writing continues. This added to some eh directing had me watching parts of ep 1 and 2 with some skipping, 3 and 4 with more skipping and just not watching more. (Sort of 4 eps watched but not really, Dropped)

One the Woman - Lee Ha Nee is a delight and this show is one I might actually finish, since I do love this kind of premise and the acting of the supporting cast is helping a lot. I do think Lee Sang Yoon is not giving his best performance here, it's not bad but LHN outshines him so severely I honestly wish she was with anyone else. The problem is that I watched it to the halfway mark and I dread the second half which I can see will have a very bad Kdrama 2nd half downturn. Sigh. For LHN I still might though, thank god for the skip button. (On Hold, 8 eps watched.)

Rattan - This had some beautiful visuals a truly bonkers premise, but I think when I was watching the eng subs were sus at best and I kinda forgot about it. Watched about 4 eps?? No idea. Someone tell me how it ended up being as a complete drama please, I dont think my dashboard knows this drama exists haha. (Dropped, possibly might finish at some point)

Song of Youth - I started this for Bai Lu, but good lord her character was so unpleasant and they did sth so weird to the color grading/saturation for this drama I pretty much forgot it existed after 4 eps. (Dropped)

Bossam - Steal the Fate - Another one I was really into for the premise and the actors. Jung Il Woo seems to fare much better in historicals and him being a widow/bride abductor who accidentally abducts a princess was genius set up for me. Once again though the writing was not strong enough and while I did appreciate seeing JIW shirtless the writing left me bored witless. (Dropped)

Sisyphus: The Myth - AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHHAH ha hahahahaliksdjsakjd. I have a wholeass fucking rant on this trash dumpfire of a drama. Well only episode one but jesus fucking christ. Do not watch this. People didn't listen to me and continued and wasted their fucking time. Turns out Cho Seugn Woo can pick trashfires after all, after his string of strong strong dramas and performances. It's like he forgot what acting properly was? I'll just avoid PSH dramas from now on. (I wasted 1 hour on this episode and then whatever time I needed to write down my rant, which is honestly more than this drama deserves).

Hometown - I have only 4 episodes left on this one but by god it was just getting stupider by the second. Manipulating/Hypnotising people via sound/speech? I know that the police in dramas can't be too good otherwise we wont have a mystery or a drama, but this is just getting ridiculous. And everyone seems to have swiss cheese for brains. The production value is pretty high, it looks cinematic, the directing is actually pretty good I think but the script is just... no thank you. (8 episodes watched. Dropped)

Happiness - I'm currently pausing this, but I will definitely finish since I'm on ep 8 and I love the way the show has dealt with its premise and its main characters. Plus PHS is really beefy now??? Good Stuff. (On Hold)

Vincenzo - The hilariously fake italian stuff and the general vibe just didnt work for me so I dropped this fairly early on. I do enjoy the gifs I see on my dash but that's it. (Dropped)

The Devil Judge - It is very homoerotic, so I will have to finish, I just gotta find the time and energy to overlook its nonsense premise, which kind of overstretched my suspension of disbelief. (On Hold)

Taxi Driver - I found the first case pretty interesting, and I liked the lady cop but the core premise was a bit eh and something in me seems to not like vigilante justice all that much because I didn't really like our main characters. (Dropped)

Racket Boys - This show is pure unadulteraded fluffy goodness, but it didnt hook me deeply and that's the only reason I like shows like that. If the vibe is for you though, check it out, the kids feel like actual friends/found family. (Dropped)

Mouse - LMAO lmao lmao lmao no. Once again a DYSMAL fucking first episode that told me that finishing this show would drive me batshit. Plus the whole eugenics angle???? Miss me with that shit please. Also the cops in this universe have single digit IQs I don't know how they survive. (DROPPED LMAO)

A Tale of thousand Stars - I loved LOVED LOVED the trailer for this one, but the premise should have rightly scared me off, transplant love stories are always iffy at best for me and I just couldnt connect with the main characters and didn't believe the actors when they tried to act like they were in love. (Dropped)

Yumi's Cells - I found this to be a surprising delight and I was even into the little emotion animations, but I made the mistake of watching it while it was still airing, catching up and then forgetting about it. I might still continue watching, but maybe once S2 comes out. I do like the way it handles relationships and the fact that for once it's not going for a "HEA" in the traditional sense. I also think making this not a full 16 ep show was a smart move. (On Hold)

22 Shows of which i dropped 16! and 6 are on hold...

[realcube]

jealous || kei tsukishima x reader

summary ♡ songfic! kageyama cheats on you and since tsukishima has had to suppress his crush on you for so long, he doesn’t know how to act

song ♡ jealous by eyedress

tw ♡ angst, cheating, cussing, fem! reader, violence 

part two ♡ crybaby ( 1 / 2 )

‘you could have anyone you want, why would you want to be with me?’

➼

Tsukishima thought, watching as you finished telling him the story behind your broken nail, waving him goodbye before skipping over to the side of your boyfriend who just exited the changing rooms, probably to go tell him the exact same story. 

Although your little stories annoyed the living hell out of him, it pained him to think that you’d share them with some cunt like Kageyama who probably didn’t give two shits. 

It might’ve seemed like he was annoyed by your stories too but in reality, your natural charm was enough to keep him hooked on every word you uttered. And that charm was probably the reason you were liked and known by almost everyone in the school - and due to your appearance, it was no surprise that most guys at the school had their eyes set on you. 

So this whole time Tsukishima was aware that there would be competition if he was going to ask you out. 

➼

 ‘you know, i’m nothing special. be with whoever you want.’ 

➼

Tobio Kageyama. Number nine, Karasuno’s first line-up setter - Tsukishima’s teammate. Of course, Tsukishima felt quite bad that he resented Kageyama so much - all over a girl - but in his defence, that girl was (Y/N) and it’s not like Kageyama was humble about it either. In fact, he’d make it a point to talk about all the things he did with (Y/N) whenever he thought Tsukishima was in earshot.

Also, you can’t blame Tsukishima for thinking that you were too good for Kageyama.. because you are. The only reason you two were together was because all the girls started shipping you two together after a video of him as your partner for a rather titillating salsa routine started floating around the school. 

The people saying that y’all would make a cute couple gave Kageyama the confidence to ask you out and of course you said yes; why wouldn’t you? Kageyama was the embodiment of everything girls loved: tall, atheletic, passionate (for volleyball), a himbo, cold and emotionally unavailable. 

While Tsukishima was almost identical; he was 4 out of those 6 things that girls loved - he wasn’t a himbo, fortunately. Neither was he emotionally unavailable. You even said yourself one time - before you formally met Kageyama - that you just thought he was a flavourless version of Tsukishima.

➼

‘i don’t care. i don’t care.’

➼

Perhaps it was just his ego speaking but Tsukishima was almost certain that if he were to have asked you out before Kageyama, you would’ve said yes. 

So, why didn’t he?

Well, he planned on asking you to be his girlfriend the same day that Kageyama did - Valentine’s Day - but at the last minute, he chickened out and the letter he had spent 3 hours making for you ended up in the trash. As for the chocolates he bought, he gave them to Yamaguchi. Curse his crippling insecurities! 

To be fair, the only reason Kageyama had the confidence or any interest in you whatsoever was due to all the girls perpetuating the idea that y’all would be a cute couple.

Tsukishima sighed as he recalled the first time you ever interacted with Kageyama. You had a dance project which involved creating your own salsa routine and either filming yourself doing it or performing it in front of the class - you asked Tsukishima if he’d assist you by being your dance partner and obviously he said no. Your next best bet was Hinata, so you explained your situation to him and as you know; where ever there is Hinata, there is Kageyama. So he overheard your dilemma and apparently he took dance classes all throughout middle school so he offered to help. Although you had never talked to Kageyama before that day, you still accepted his offer due to the tricky situation you were in.

It frustrated Tsukishima so much at the thought that if he had just swallowed his pride and danced with you, he wouldn’t be feeling a striking pain in his chest at the sight of you intimately kissing Kageyama while he stood there like a statue.

Once he realised what he was doing, he immediately averted his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips as he tried to convince himself that he was neutral about what he just witnessed. 

He didn’t care that you were dating someone who didn’t even care about you. He didn’t care about the fact he would’ve treated you ten times better than Kageyama ever could. He didn’t care about how close you were to Kageyama. He was simply unable to give a single fuck about the fact he still loved you. 

➼

‘i don’t wanna know. don’t tell me about your problems if you’re not trying to solve them.’

➼

“And then I told him to fuck off and my mum got all mad and she was like ‘don’t swear at a 6 year-old!’ but then I was like, ‘Mum, he literally-” 

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, you’ve been rambling to him about your shitty experiences babysitting for a good few minutes now but he was simply unable to pay attention. Not when every time he thought of you, his mind instantly focussed on the bruise you had on your neck which he had merely caught a glimpse of this morning, but that was enough to make him feel sick to his stomach. “Do you ever stop talking? Why not tell these stories to someone who cares? Where’s Kageyama?”

You pouted, crossing your arms over your chest and leaning back in your chair - by now, you were used to him being a bitch to you but recently, he’s been acting especially rude, even Yamaguchi was taken back at how uncalled for his remark was.  “Did I do something wrong? Why are you so mean all of a sudden?”

Something about your disappointed tone made Tsukishima’s heart sink, although he wasn’t sure why that was considering he undoubtedly didn’t care about how you felt - you could start crying for all he cared. 

“You’re just way more annoying than you used to be.” That was the first excuse Tsukishima could come up with but if he was being completely honest, he didn’t even notice his change in behaviour. “It’s probably all that time hanging out shittyama.”

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi snapped, hunching forward over his table to flick his blonde friend on the back of his neck. “I agree with (Y/N), you’ve been kinda crass lately.”

You nodded at Yamaguchi’s statement, “Emphasis on the ass.” 

It took every bone in Tsukishima’s body to resist snickering at your stupid comment and keep a straight face, “Can you blame me? (Y/N) is the one who never stops complaining like geez, get a grip - nobody cares.”

➼

‘don’t ask me for my help. fix it yourself.’

➼

Honestly, Tsukishima wasn’t surprised when you ended up calling him at 1am, crying about how Kageyama cheated on you.

I mean, it was clear that he was only with you for sexual relief as he didn’t show the slightest bit of romantic interest in anyone - and you were too blinded by puppy love to notice that his perception didn’t widen beyond volleyball. 

In a way, Tsukishima felt quite bad for you as this was your first relationship and anybody would be heartbroken if they were cheated on but somehow he had managed to gaslight himself into believing that he truly didn’t give a fuck about how you felt. That’s why the call definitely didn’t go as well as he hoped. 

“Kei..” You spoke in a low voice in hopes that he wouldn’t realise that you were crying straight away but your faint sobs were a dead giveaway. “Are you busy?”

Tsukishima grumbled, sitting up on his bed and sliding his glasses up his nose, not having taken them off as just before you called him he was scrolling through Reddit anyway. “Eh? What is so important that you had to call me at 3 in the morning?”

“Kageyama cheated on me!” You wailed into your phone, struggling to keep it together even when you weren’t with Tsukishima face-to-face. “S-Sorry I called you. I just, um, I just needed to tell someone and the first person I thought of was you.” That wasn’t a complete lie. I mean, you did try calling Yamaguchi before you resorted to calling Tsukishima because Yamaguchi would undeniably be more compassionate in this situation. However, if it wasn’t for Tsukishima’s recent attitude problems, you probably would’ve called him first,

Upon hearing you say that, his heart fluttered - this should’ve been the first giveaway that he still liked you - but he chose to ignore it, sticking to the idea that you annoyed him and he definitely did not want to kiss your forehead, cuddle you under his sheets and reassure you that you’re out of Kageyama’s league anyway.

“Sorry, (Y/N).” Tsukishima spoke softly. This change of tone giving you the slightest bit of hope that you had finally managed to get through to him and maybe he was going to stop being so insolent and go back to being his old self - the Tsukishima that people actually liked. 

“Kei..” You mused, feeling your cheeks heat up at how nice and soothing his tired voice sounded. “I thi--”

“But that doesn’t sound like my problem. Good luck in dealing with it yourself, though.” 

With that last comment, he hung up, leaving you more upset than you were to begin with. 

➼

‘she tried to call me yesterday but i didn’t pick up because i don’t got time.’

➼

Tension was high at practice. Word had gotten out that Kageyama cheated on (L/N) and of course everyone’s opinion on him did a full 180 - nobody wants to train with a dirty cheater. 

This news should’ve been the highlight of Tsukishima’s month because not only is (Y/N) back on the market, Kageyama is getting the treatment he deserved for being so horrible to him and (Y/N). 

However, Tsukishima was far from pleased with everyone’s behaviour towards Kageyama because now they were all expecting confrontation and since Tsukishima was the one who already had beef with Kageyama, the team thought it would be best if it was him who approached the setter about the recent event. 

A horrible idea, in Tsukishima’s opinion. It wasn’t even the fact that he didn’t want to go any where near that milkboy but mostly because he didn’t even know what he’d say to the guy. What do you say in that situation? ‘Hey, man. We’d really appreciate it if you stopped being such a whore. It’s really killing the vibe.’

But lo and behold, here he was, standing across from Kageyama in the empty changing room. Desperately wracking through his brain to find the most appropriate thing to say, which was hard as Kageyama’s stare seemed to burn holes through Tsukishima’s glasses. Also, his mind was already pretty occupied by all the thoughts of how badly he wanted to beat the milkboy to the ground in (Y/N)’s honour. 

“What do you want, Tiredshima?” Kageyama inquired, scrunching up his empty milk box and casually throwing it aside, aiming for the bin but it ended up landing a few inches away from it.

Tsukishima tried to resist laughing at the milkboy’s failed attempt to look cool, “It’s-” Tsukishima wheezed slightly as a little bit of that laughter escaped before he took a moment to properly compose himself, “It’s about (Y/N)-”

At the mere mention of your name, the milkboy dipped. 

“Uh, where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Tsukishima spat, hastily reaching out to grab Kageyama’s wrist, yanking him back as soon as Tsukishima got a good grip on him. Resulting in the usually agile setter losing his balance and falling back, right onto his ass. 

“Don’t touch me!” Kageyama roared, rapidly scrambling to his feet, clenching his fist and snarling at Tsukishima who wore an astounded expression. “Do you have it out for me or something? What does (Y/N) have to do with anything?”

It was shocking how well Kageyama managed to paint the situation to make it seem like he was the innocent one when he was the one who broke a poor school girl’s heart after she showed him nothing but love - but Tsukishima wasn’t one to talk since he probably just added salt to her wound, like he always does, and he’d been thinking about it all night.

“Sorry, your highness, but maybe if you hopped off your throne for a moment and came down to reality to join the rest of us, you’d realise that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Do you know how much your shitty actions affected (Y/N)? She called me crying last night and..yeah.” His voice slowly drifted off as he remembered the events that occurred yesterday, you had called him in a vulnerable state and he simply told you to get to fuck.

Kageyama scoffed, brushing off the dust that clung to his clothes from when he was pulled to the ground, “Eh? Maybe you should practise what you preach.” Kageyama growled, baring his teeth - the little nickname Tsukishima had for him seriously made his blood boil. “She’d come to me on the verge of tears because you called her annoying and she thought you didn’t want to be her friend anymore.”

Tsukishima felt his heart tear apart at the thought of himself causing you so much emotional distress but you were half right, he didn’t want to be your friend - the wanted to be your boyfriend. If it wasn’t for a certain setter who’s name starts with ‘K’ and ends with ‘ageyama’, none of this would’ve happened and you’d happily be snuggled up in his arms while he played with your hair but no, Kageyama just had to get his dirty little setter hands on anything good.

“I mean,” Kageyama muttered, having clearly calmed down from five seconds ago, “She was kinda annoying, so I get why you’d say that. That’s why I did what I did, it wasn’t meant to spite her or hurt her feelings. You get what I mean, right?”

The ignorance; it made Tsukishima indescribably mad. (Y/N) wasn’t annoying - although Tsukishima might’ve heavily insinuated it, in the past - and the audacity Kageyama had to say that she was. Also, who in their right mind thinks that cheating is a rational reaction to irritation? 

Tsukishima wouldn’t consider himself a violent person but it was as though the bones in his body acted on their own when he delivered a full-force punch straight onto Kageyama’s cheek. And he didn’t regret it for a moment either - even when the milkboy starting pummelling him into the ground - as he figured that someone had to teach the dick a lesson, why not himself?

➼

‘i don’t have time. i don’t have time. i don’t have time. i don’t have time.’

➼

“Kei..hello? I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now but Yamaguchi told me that you were here and..I just wanted you to know that I, uh, am really sorry and I hope you get well soon.”

[a-lockman5]

Things were different now Pt. 3 - Happy to Help {Devi and Paxton}

A/n: as usual, I don’t own these characters, but I love them. This continues to follow the timeline I initially wrote so it does not coincide with season 2 at all. Paxton is a 17 year old with feelings, not a 10 year old before puberty… I hate proofreading so if it’s awful, apologies. Umm… so sorry it’s a year late.. and honestly, I kinda hate parts of it, but here we are nonetheless. Hope you like it!

Warnings: fluff, angst, phobias, I think that’s it.

Part one, Part two

Don’t forget to check out my Masterlist!

“Hey, baby,” Ben greeted her in a sing-song voice.

“Morning, Ben,” Devi replied as Ben laid a kiss to her cheek, and took the seat next to her.

“Why didn’t you come by for breakfast this morning?” he asked.

Devi felt her eyes grow wide momentarily. She had been going to Ben’s for breakfast before school all last week, telling her mom they were studying. It wasn’t a formal date though, and she hadn’t thought to plan an excuse. “Uh…” she scrambled, feeling the room close in as people filled the desks behind and on her other side. “I’m not feeling well,” she lied. “I overslept.”

She averted her gaze from Ben to dig a pencil out of her backpack from where it sat on the floor to her right. When she tried to unzip her pencil holder though, it got stuck and she flung it, one-handed, onto the floor. As she reached down to grab it, the person sitting next to her reached down to help too, and when she looked up, Paxton was grinning back at her.

“Morning, Vishwakumar. Long time, no see.”

Devi tried to swallow past a large lump in her throat. “Morning, Paxton,” she returned hesitantly, noting his hair was still damp and that it added curl to his hair that usually he used product to tame.

Devi had her first swim lesson with Paxton that morning before school. It’s not that she was hiding it from Ben, her boyfriend. It was just that she didn’t feel ready to tell him about it… so yeah, she was hiding it from him. Not because of Paxton though! She was hiding it because of her.

Not even Devi’s mom knew how afraid she was of being in the water since her paralysis was triggered. Prior to that, she loved swimming. It was the only sport she was at all inclined to and she even considered trying out for team sophomore year until she went crazy and lost her legs.

She tried to move past it. Well, kind of. Her physical therapist thought aquatic therapy may help strengthen and facilitate the functional return of her legs. Instead, it resulted in her screaming and hyperventilating in Dan’s arms as he struggled to get her back to the lift out of the pool. Devi begged Dan not to tell her mom about her newfound fear and promised she would discuss it with Dr. Ryan. Her physical therapist agreed, and Devi never mentioned it to anyone again. Until Paxton.

“You want to swim?” He repeated back, puzzled as they sat on the couch in the garage. “I’ve seen you swim.”

“When?”

“Your freshman year…” he trailed off as realization dawned on him.

Devi didn’t know Paxton had any idea who she was until she propositioned him at the beginning of school this year. He remembered her from the year before? He remembered her before she lost her legs?

“Yeah… I haven’t been able to since…”

“So when you fell in the pool at Gross’s party…?” Paxton filled the silence for her.

“I’m really glad you pulled me out otherwise it would have gotten way more embarrassing,” she admitted.

She saw his jaw clench before his next question, “Why didn’t your friends help you?”

“Um…” she took a deep breath to muster the courage up to tell him, “they don’t know… nobody knows.”

And then he gave her that same deep, calculated look. The look he gave her when they were in his car so many weeks ago. The look he gave her before they kissed. Before he kissed her.

He agreed instantly after that. And things went mildly well that morning. She wasn’t able to get in the water, so instead, she sat next to the edge of the pool and watched Paxton swim for awhile and then they talked.

She was surprised by how patient Paxton had been with her especially since she dragged him out of bed earlier than necessary. He told her it was a process though, and he agreed to help her through it. Her heart felt full when he said that. She probably would have read too far into it in the past, but things were different now.

Devi knew she would have to tell Ben eventually that she was spending so much time with Paxton, but she just didn’t want him to overreact. He knew how much she had pined for Paxton before they started dating, and even though she and Paxton were friends only now, it wouldn’t change the threat he posed in her boyfriend’s mind.

you and PHY seem awfully chummy - Fab

Devi looked over her shoulder at her friends after reading Fabiola’s text message. Both Fab and Eleanor were giving her pretty pointed looks, and Devi just responded with a grimace and raised eyebrows. This whole friends thing sounded so easy with Paxton when they were sitting on his couch in the middle of the night. No one else was around, no one could pass judgment. Things were going to be a little harder in practice.

Fortunately, class was pretty uneventful. Mr. Shapiro started a new unit, they went over the lesson, and they were dismissed. Devi gathered her things quickly and hurried out of the room without waiting for her friends, her boyfriend, or Paxton. Of course, Paxton was her friend, so she didn’t know why she listed him in his own category.

“Hey,” the object of her musings appeared beside her locker.

Devi jumped at the sound of his voice, but managed to somewhat recover. “Hey, what’s good, playa?”

Paxton smirked at her with warm eyes. “Just wanted to check on you now that it’s been a couple hours.”

“Oh! Honestly, I feel good. Watching you actually helps me calm down,” she said before realizing how it sounded. “I mean, not that I just watch you, but I mean, watching you swim… it’s nice to see how you glide through the water… it’s like a white noise machine.”

“Right,” Paxton replied slowly after a beat. “Well you should come by today after school. I have an idea.”

She nodded as he walked away down the hall. Before Devi’s imagination could get the better of her though, her friends replaced Paxton in her line of vision.

“What is going on?” Fabiola asked bluntly.

“Yeah, are you and Paxton hooking up behind Ben’s back?”

“What? Of course not!” Devi was outraged. How could they think she would do that? “Paxton is my friend.”

“Since when?”

“Yeah, last thing we knew, you went there for dinner for his sister and it got hella weird,” Eleanor added. “What gives?”

Devi had not shared the one on one conversations she and Paxton had with her friends. Sure, the initial apology after dinner would probably be okay. Having a drink with Paxton in the garage at 2 o’clock in the morning after catching him in his underwear with an erection? No, there was no good way to relay that encounter.

“Um..” Devi hesitated. She couldn’t tell them the truth now after hiding her fear for so long, and then telling Paxton before telling them. They’d think she was a bad friend. “I’m tutoring him,” she lied. “Yeah, he’s got to get his grades up to meet the minimum for Stanford swimming to offer him a scholarship so I’m helping him.”

“Does Ben know?” Eleanor asked as Devi’s phone pinged in her pocket.

She pulled her phone out and read the message from Paxton, don’t forget to bring your suit ;), and she felt her cheeks heat up. “No,” she told Eleanor absentmindedly. “No, he doesn’t know.”

“Well, are you going to tell him?” Fabiola prodded.

Devi shook herself out of her daze and really heard her friends’ questions. “No, not right now. You guys know he would freak out if he knew Paxton and I were spending time together no matter how platonic. I’ll tell him eventually but everything is still so new, I don’t want to wreck it.”

Her friends’ judgment was evident, but Devi couldn’t let that bother her. Paxton was helping her confront one of her deepest fears, and she didn’t need to feel guilty about that. Instead, she chose to focus on making the most of her time with Paxton and enjoying their friendship while hopefully ridding her of her phobia.

Devi knocked briefly before letting herself into the Hall-Yoshida garage. It was empty and so she dropped her bag and plopped down onto the couch. It was almost funny, Devi thought. Things were so different now. A few months ago, she was terrified entering this space. She’d freaked, cut her leg open and bolted. Even the last time she’d been here, she’d tried to quietly reflect and calm her nerves after having one of her sexual fantasies manifest in the form of actually seeing Paxton Hall-Yoshida in his underwear with a boner. Now, she just comes right in and —

“Make yourself at home,” Paxton’s voice broke her from her thoughts.

She intended to make a sarcastic retort, but was caught off guard by him being in swim trunks already, and not the tight spandex trunks he wore for the swim team. No, these were normal, red and black trunks. They were entirely less revealing, outside of showing off his muscled chest, but they weren’t a uniform. Something about Paxton being voluntarily half naked and not bleeding from the hand had Devi looking at him dumbly from across the room.

“Devi, you good?” He asked cautiously, coming to sit next to her.

Her gaze trailed down from his collarbone to his pecs, to his abs, to his… her eyes grew wide as she realized she was openly ogling him. She snapped her eyes back to his to find him grinning at her.

“Everything okay?” He asked again. She nodded dumbly in response. “Good. Why don’t you go change? I have an idea that may work to start.”

“Okay, I’ll go change in the bathroom and meet you back here?”

“Nah, just come out to the back yard.”

Completely disrobed in the bathroom, Devi had another decision to make. Two suits. She brought two bathing suits with her both that morning and in the afternoon. She hadn’t even bothered to change before class that morning because just entering the aquatic center was enough to bring her near hyperventilation. She couldn’t do that again, and to be fair, if Paxton had a pool, it was news to Devi. And she asked him to help her swim. If that’s what she really wanted, then she needed to trust Paxton and let him help her. That meant she had to choose: black, Speedo one-piece or bubble gum pink bikini?

“Why’d you even bring both, Devi?” She asked her reflection.

She wasn’t sure she was ready to answer that question. She knew things were different now. She was dating Ben, and Paxton was her friend. That was her choice… it was just a much easier choice to make when she and Paxton weren’t speaking to each other. If she was honest, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Paxton since their middle of the night encounter last week. He was right when he said they had come a long way. She had come a long way, becoming more comfortable around him, and seeing him on an equal level versus the Adonis pedestal she placed him on in the past. Then he became real.

Paxton became more than the unattainable sex god that riddled her darkest fantasies. He became someone she could talk with, laugh with, open up to. He became her friend. Her friend that was still a sex god that riddled her darkest fantasies… these were the thoughts that had her leaning toward the far more revealing bikini for their lesson that afternoon.

She had a boyfriend though, a boyfriend she very much liked. Sure, she and Ben were unkind to each other in the past. He had routinely referred to her by a boy’s name, called her unfuckable, and yeah, he started the rumor that she faked her paralysis freshman year. She played her own role in their antagonistic relationship though, and all that was behind them anyway. Ever since his party, Ben had been much nicer to her. Of course, that was including when he tried to kiss her while still dating Shira… but obviously, that was because he had feelings for her that when he was sober, he wasn’t ready to confront yet. He had been there for her like no one else had. He deserved a good girlfriend. That was Devi’s last thought on the subject before donning the black athletic one piece.

The first thing Devi saw when she stepped onto the patio made her heart catch in her throat. A hot tub. It was too big. It was too much. Too much. She couldn’t get in a hot tub. It was already way too hot, Devi thought, feeling the air get thicker around her. Her throat felt constricted and she wondered how anyone was as able to breathe in these conditions. It felt impossible.

“Devi! Are you okay?” She heard Paxton ask faintly.

Her head began shaking back and forth frantically, but she didn’t feel like she was the one controlling it. Instead, it was moving of its own accord, and her voice didn’t sound like her own when she said, “I can’t get in the hot tub.”

Two strong hands grasped her waist and physically turned her so her back was to the offending item. It was then she saw Paxton. His eyes searched hers desperately before a hand came to cradle her face. She immediately felt herself relax into his touch just enough that she could take a breath.

“Hey, you’re okay. I got you,” he cooed. “I know you’re not ready for that, and that’s okay. Just take a deep breath.”

She still felt like she was gulping for air, but her body melted into his as he pulled her in for a hug. They just stood like that until she could regain control of her breathing. When she did, Paxton gently released her and Devi was honestly surprised by how disappointed she was to not be in his arms any longer.

“You good?” He asked cautiously. She nodded sheepishly. “Cool. Let’s get away from this so you can see what I have set up for you.”

She nodded again and let him take her hand to lead her deeper into the backyard. When she saw it, she couldn’t believe the relief that flooded her.

“A slip n slide?” She huffed out.

“A slip n slide!” He dropped her hand to raise his arms victoriously. “I looked up some stuff about phobias and I think it’ll help. It’s called exposure treatment. We’ll start slow and work your way up.”

“You researched phobias?”

“Well, yeah,” he nodded. “And I’ll be here for you the whole time.”

Devi felt herself smile. Paxton really took the time to try to figure out how to help her. No throwing her in the deep end of the pool, but actually holding her hand through this. Being by her side while they figured it out together. She couldn’t believe how lucky she felt to have him in her life at that moment.

It wasn’t a very fancy slip n side, most likely he’d had it in the shed since he and Becca were kids. It was still in good shape though and he’d placed it over a decline at the end that allowed for pooling of water. He had the hose running and ready, but when they stepped up to the start, it became infinitely more intimidating.

As though he could sense her apprehension, Paxton said, “how about I go first, and then you can try?”

She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat in order to respond. When she wasn’t successful, she nodded. Paxton gave her a weak grin, and reached out to squeeze her shoulder. It was probably a measure of reassurance, and it worked for a moment, but the minute his touch was gone, her nerves settled in again.

“Okay, so you want to get a running start so you go faster through the slide,” he told her, taking four to five steps back. “You ready?”

“Ready,” she choked out after a beat of silence.

Paxton took off, and dove smoothly onto the track. Devi felt her anxiety melt away as he slid down the track on his stomach. It was almost like watching his perfect strokes through the water, and something about watching him made her forget her fear. Then he crashed into the small wading pool at the end of the slide, and just like that Devi’s breath was stuck in her throat again, and it felt like a bucket of ice water was dumped over her head.

When Paxton stood up, he immediately sought her gaze for eye contact. Just as quickly, he seemed to notice how her panic rose again.

“Devi,” he called down to her. “You can do this, okay? Don’t think about the water, just focus on me.” She could feel how wide her eyes were and her mouth was starting to dry out as it hung open, but Paxton’s encouragement started to wear her down when he said, “Come to me, Devi. I got you.”

She took a steadying breath and barely nodded before stepping a few paces back like Paxton had. Paxton continued to cheer her on and beckon her to his open arms as she fought her body to cooperate with her. Finally, after another deep breath, Devi let out a guttural scream, her war cry, and ran toward the slide. She slid onto her stomach much like Paxton had and did not have the good sense to close her mouth until it was filled with hose water. It got her choked up again and it was difficult to catch her breath, but just as quickly as she started, she was plunged into the wading pool. Before she had a chance to panic-swallow more water, Paxton’s strong arms hauled her to a standing position and she collided with his chest in a tight hug.

“You did it!” He whispered triumphantly. “You did great, I’m so proud of you.”

“I did it,” she breathed, arms clutched tightly around his shoulders as though he would disappear if she let go. “I did it,” she repeated, a tear slipping down her cheek.

Devi and Paxton worked with the slip n slide for three more weeks, and it was amazing how quickly she was improving. Each time, Paxton was there to catch her at the end of the slide, and she grew more confident with each trip.

“So do you have plans this weekend?” Paxton asked, passing her a towel.

“Probably just studying for the history test,” she replied, drying her hair gently.

“With Gross?”

They hadn’t talked about Ben at all during their sessions. She had also skirted the issue of spending so much time with Paxton by telling her boyfriend that she’d been assigned a new student to tutor. She didn’t tell him it was Paxton. Things had been calm the last few weeks despite how crazy the first months of the semester had been. If she was honest, she hadn’t spent much time with or thought much about Ben that week at all. Things were going so well with Paxton and their sessions that she spent most of her time looking forward to the next time she’d be in his backyard in her bathing suit.

“Uh.. I don’t know. Probably him, Fab, and Eleanor, I guess,” she told him. “Or by myself. I don’t really have anything planned.”

“Would you…” he trailed off quietly before finding his voice again. “Would you maybe want to study here… with me?”

Devi felt herself smile. “Sure, I mean, my friends think I’m tutoring you anyway so that would make sense.”

“What?”

She breathed through another smile at how his brow furrowed, but rolled her eyes at herself before answering him. “I had to have a reason for why we’re talking so much more at school… so I told them I was tutoring you.”

Paxton’s head dropped as he huffed out a laugh. “You’re really good at lying, huh?”

“No! I just… get nervous about how people will react to stuff so sometimes it’s just easier to say something else.”

He nodded. “Well, you better tutor me then. ‘Cause if I fail this test, your whole story falls apart,” he said taking a step closer to her.

“Maybe you just don’t listen to me,” she grinned.

He took another step forward, this time into her personal space. “Impossible,” he countered, “have you met you?”

Devi’s smile grew before she realized how close Paxton really was to her. It wasn’t his actual proximity. They’d been closer physically than ever in these recent weeks, but something felt different that time. She could feel the heat radiating off of him and there was electricity in the air. He seemed to feel it too, and shook himself free before taking the towel back from her. That only allowed him to take in the full view of her from top to bottom, forcing Devi to close her eyes so she didn’t feel the full force of his gaze.

She heard Paxton swallow, then clear his throat, and then he took a step back. Devi chose then to meet his gaze, and found the same calculating look she’d now seen a total of three times. He had a depth she hadn’t previously credited him with. Now that she’d seen it, it was hard to ignore.

“Uh.. yeah, I think we could study together.”

Paxton grinned crookedly at her. “Cool,” he licked his lips before changing the subject. “Why don’t you go ahead and change, and then I’ll take you home.”

“That’s okay, I can I walk.” Devi said quickly. “I mean, I’d like to walk. Helps me clear my head.”

“Oh.. okay.”

Devi didn’t feel like she took another breath until she was shut in the bathroom of the Hall-Yoshida residence. Was Paxton really flirting with her? Did he really check her out like she thought he had? She’d been so wrong about so many of their encounters in the past, but… he did kiss her. Paxton Hall Yoshida was her first kiss and it was only a couple months ago. Maybe he really liked her. Maybe they —

A text message on her phone cut off her internal rambling. When she read it, her breath caught in her throat again:

Why are you at Paxton’s?

Fuck. Ben.

How could she forget about Ben? Here she was going down the Paxton rabbit hole again when she had Ben, her actual boyfriend. Things were different now though. She wasn’t sure exactly when they changed, but she knew they had.

She quickly typed out a response and then changed into her dry clothes.

***

“So Paxton is the student you’re tutoring?

“Uh.. yeah, kinda,” Devi told Ben. “Paxton is my friend, but I am helping him study.” It wasn’t technically a lie anymore now that they’d made plans for Saturday.

“Anything else you want to tell me?”

“What are you accusing me of, Ben?”

“Obviously, I’m the only one committed to this relationship. You’re still just drooling over some dick that wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole.”

Devi scoffed, as the wind left her sails. She knew Ben would be hurt, and she expected him to be jealous that she was spending time with Paxton. She didn’t expect him to say Paxton wouldn’t want anything to do with her. She didn’t expect him to imply that she wasn’t good enough for Paxton. Like Ben was doing her some great, big favor by dating her. Once a UN, always a UN, she guessed.

“You know, I came here ready to explain myself, ready to apologize. Maybe you’re right though. Maybe you’re the only one committed to this relationship. God knows, I don’t want to be in a relationship where it’s okay to talk to me like that.”

Ben’s eyes widened, and Devi watched the color drain from his face. “No, Devi, I didn’t mean” —

“You didn’t mean to, not accuse me of cheating on you, but instead, accuse me of so desperately wanting to cheat on you that I would be the lap dog to a different guy?”

Devi really thought Ben deserved an explanation. That was why she went to his house. She realized though, she didn’t owe him anything. Ben had been the constant ignition to Devi’s insecurities. She thought that would stop when they became boyfriend and girlfriend, but no. Instead, he wanted to keep them together by making her feel unwanted by anyone else. She knew better though.

“Devi” —

“You are seriously the textbook ‘nice guy,’ aren’t you?” She air quoted. “Well, I don’t need any of that. I think we’re done here.”

Ben is canceled.

Devi felt oddly satisfied when she sent the text to Fabiola and Eleanor. She thought she would feel guilty after their encounter, but honestly, she felt liberated. Ben had been there for her when no one else was, and he showed that he cared about her. Still, when confronted with the idea that she may want to spend time with someone else, he immediately turned on her. Red flag. Big red flag.

Her friends immediately made plans to have a sleepover at Eleanor’s the following night. They wanted all the details. When Devi happily supplied them, they encouraged her as enthusiastically as she expected.

“Yes, girl,” Eleanor cried, giving her snaps when she told them she wouldn’t let Ben talk to her that way.

“You’re a strong, independent woman, and you don’t need some small little white boy trying to keep you down,” Fabiola bolstered.

“Thanks, guys. That brings me to my next problem though.” And for the first time, she told her friends about when she and Paxton kissed, how her mom had yelled at them the next day and called Paxton stupid, and how he’d left her a voicemail because he’d come to see her while she was in Malibu with her family. They were shocked to say the least.

“So what’s your problem?”

“Wondering exactly how long the pole is that Paxton would touch you with?” Eleanor asked suggestively.

Nope, that is definitely not the issue, Devi thought as she recalled seeing Paxton in his underwear. No, she knew exactly how big a tent that pole could support. The question was, was she misinterpreting their relationship?

“No… I mean, do you think he could like me?”

“Well, he definitely liked you enough to kiss you, but you also chose Ben over him,” Fabiola recapped. “That’s a tough blow.”

“But he wants to spend time with Devi anyway,” Eleanor argued. “I mean, you guys have study sessions almost every afternoon.”

“Right,” Devi trailed off as she considered her encounters with Paxton since she and Ben started dating. How he’d been respectful of her relationship, never once putting Ben down or asking why she had decided to go out with him. She thought about what a good friend he’d been of late with their sessions. She thought about how close she felt to him, and how she wasn’t exaggerating their closeness like she had at the beginning of the school year. She didn’t need to dress up or fabricate the things he said or did to her anymore. Everything was really happening.

“Do you want us to come tomorrow and assess the situation?”

Devi considered Eleanor’s offer, but finally shook her head. “No, I think this is one I have to sort out myself.”

***

“Alright, who coined the term ‘Cold War’ in the British press in October 1954?” Devi asked, looking up at her companion.

“I don’t know… Russia?”

Her eyes narrowed. “No, George Orwell. You’re right, my reputation as a nerd and the best tutor in school is on the line.”

“Shut up, this stuff’s hard. We’re not all Devi Vishwakumar,” he bumped her with his elbow.

“You’re smart too though. How did you know all that stuff about Hinduism or phobias?”

“That’s different. That’s interesting stuff.”

Devi felt her cheeks heat up, and chose to stare at her textbook. Would Paxton find those things interesting if they weren’t directly related to her? Was it his way of saying that she was interesting or important to him? She chanced a glance toward him to see him was also very deliberately staring at his book. She briefly wondered why before he looked up sharply and slapped his knee.

“I guess we have a lot to get through then if we’re going to save your rep. Better get to it.”

“Yeah… for sure,” she said slowly before continuing to quiz him.

A couple hours, some poptarts and pizza rolls later, they had significantly improved Paxton’s knowledge of the subject matter. They both were thrilled with his progress.

“Okay, let’s come full circle,” Devi said. “Who coined the term ‘Cold War?’”

“George Orwell… in the British press… in 1954,” he finished sitting back in his chair confidently.

“Yes! Good job, dude. You picked up on this stuff, no problem!” She smiled.

“Well, you’re a good teacher,” he smiled back, leaning forward.

“You’re a good student,” she told him, biting her bottom lip and leaning forward towards him.

Paxton glanced at her lips briefly before licking his own. She thought, this was it. He was going to kiss her. Instead, Paxton blinked, his eyes staying closed a little longer than normal, and sighed before scooting his chair away from the table.

“Uh.. my parents won’t be home from work for a few hours, and Becca is at a friend’s house if you want to hangout some more,” he suggested, rubbing the back of his neck. “We could drag the slip n slide out?”

Devi smiled. “Umm… I think I’m ready for the next challenge.”

“Yeah?” Paxton asked disbelievingly. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I want to try.”

“Alright,” he smiled with a nod. “I’ll get changed and we’ll head out there.”

Once Devi was closed in the bathroom again, she pulled her suit out of her bag. Pink bikini, don’t fail me now.

After a quick change, and plucking any stray hairs, Devi opened the bathroom door to see Paxton waiting on the other side. Her confidence faltered as he took in her appearance. His brow nearly disappeared into his hairline, and she noticed him swallow before exhaling slowly.

“Is this okay?” She asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, totally okay,” he responded, finally meeting her eye. “I, uh, wanted to walk you out so we could avoid as strong a reaction as last time… We’re in this together, right?”

She nodded, appreciating his support. Together.

It seemed like such a good idea before. Before she was standing in front of a large container filled with water. Water that she would have to submerge herself in.

Already drowning in her own fear, Devi didn’t hear Paxton talking to her until she felt him take her hand.

“Hey, Devi,” he called, waving his other hand in her face. “Can you hear me?”

She blinked longer than usual to clear her head before finding his gaze again. “Yeah, sorry. I was just spiraling.”

“Listen, you don’t have to do this right now. There’s no pressure, okay?”

“I know,” she nodded, licking her lips apprehensively. “I want to do this. You won’t leave me, right?”

He smiled. “We’re in this together, Vishwakumar.”

With that, she carefully made her way up the steps, and stepped into the hot water. Paxton held her hand the whole way. The best part of using the hot tub? The heat further distracted her from her fear that she didn’t even realize Paxton was touching her for a moment. It wasn’t until she was sitting down and should have been relaxing that her anxiety began to spike again.

“Hey, breathe, okay? I’m right here,” Paxton’s hand slipped from hers to wrap around her shoulders.

Without thinking, without meaning to, Devi dropped her head into the crook of Paxton’s neck. Her arms clung to his waist desperately, willing her breathing to level out. She felt Paxton’s other arm come around to encircle her, and it had the very calming effect she assumed he intended. As her breathing returned to a normal pace, Devi found she felt almost sleepy. She felt warm, not because of the water, but inside. It was like her body was humming, like everything was fuzzy. She let out a deep sigh of relief, and felt Paxton shift slightly against her.

“Are you okay?” He whispered. She wondered if he could feel how peaceful things were in that moment. No, he probably just wanted to make sure she hadn’t passed out.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “This helps.”

“Yeah? Like watching me helps?”

“I can’t explain it, and I know it doesn’t make any sense especially because I’m such a disaster when we talk,” she rambled before taking a steadying breath, “but watching you, touching you, calms me down.”

Paxton took a shaky breath, and Devi pulled back slightly to look at him. His eyes were closed, cheeks flushed. She loved seeing him like this. Vulnerable, as though she affected him as much as he affected her. This time, she thought, I’ll kiss him.

Before Devi could lean forward, Paxton abruptly put space between them. One hand remained on her shoulder, but his head was hanging his eyes were closed.

“Devi,” he started before letting out a long sigh, “I am trying so hard. I mean, I love spending time with you and I want to be here for you. I want to be a good friend to you, but you’re killing me.”

“What?”

“You have a boyfriend,” he replied emphatically. “I don’t really know why, but you do. And all this,” he gestured between them, “feels a lot like cheating, and I’m not down for it.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no,” the words came tumbling out, “no, no, no. No, that’s on me. Paxton” —

“Devi, I like you,” he cut her off. “Not in the ‘I want to reinstate our sex agreement’ way, but like, I really like you. I hate studying! But you make it fun. I love the way you spit out that first five thoughts that pop into your head at any given moment. I love that you trust me to tell me your deepest fear that no one else knows, and I love that we’ve been able to work through it together. I don’t know if I can do this anymore though.”

“Sorry I didn’t interrupt, you really seemed like you were on a roll, but,” she paused to take another deep breath, “I don’t… have a boyfriend anymore.”

“What?”

“Things are different now. I broke up with Ben two days ago, and… I really like you too. I never wanted just sex from you. I just never thought we’d be here right now.”

“You don’t have a boyfriend?”

She shook her head, shyly looking down at the water. Her bottom lip found it’s way between her teeth, barely suppressing her smile. She felt his hand slip from her shoulder and snake it’s way around her waist. She looked up as he pulled her body into his so close that their breath mingled.

“Should we make another toast?” She asked nervously.

His forehead pressed against hers as he laughed. When he regained his composure, he looked in her eyes warmly. “Later.”

And for the second time, Paxton Hall-Yoshida’s lips were on hers, and it. was. electric. Somehow, it was even better than the first time. She felt everything else melt away, and it was just the two of them floating through space. Nothing else mattered for that moment. She wasn’t sure when she ended up in his lap, but she wound her arms around his neck all the same before her hands found his curly hair. Under other circumstances, she may have worried that her own hair had become so frizzy that he wouldn’t find her attractive. She realized though, she didn’t have to worry about that. No, as Paxton gripped her hips tighter, she knew very well that he was attracted to her.

This was everything she ever wanted, except it was better. Paxton’s hand came up to cradle her face as his tongue massaged hers in a way that made her spine tingle. Devi was so engrossed in having the greatest moment of her life, she didn’t hear the back door open.

“Wooooo!” Becca hollered as they jumped apart. “Finally!”

“Becca, get out of here!” Paxton yelled, splashing his sister. She laughed, making a comment about being safe as she went back inside.

“So… your sister’s home,” Devi said. They sat awkwardly for a moment before both breaking into a fit of laughter.

“Yeah, mood ruined, I guess.”

“Well, I know one thing: this is the happiest I’ve felt in any body of water in a year.”

He huffed out a laugh, eyes finding his lap before meeting her gaze again. “Happy to help.”

<< Part 2