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kattheninjalibrarian · 5 years ago

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Why Have Single People Stopped Going to Church?

As always, I am continuing to write down my thoughts and questions about singleness within the christian church based off of my experience as a single christian woman. But before I begin, please let me state that in no way am I trying to completely bash churches, nor am I angry. I am simply pointing out the fact that there is a drastic difference in how we are treating people and there is a major need that should be addressed. I feel like nobody is talking about it so I am going to. I want to make sure I am not coming off like I’m just trying to vent all my anger and trying to communicate how hurt I am or that I don’t like christians. Because I am not feeling that way and that is not the case. I completely understand that we are all imperfect, flawed human beings and that we all mess up. That’s what grace is for. What I am trying to convey is that something is missing for a certain demographic of people that are attending church. Because I and others have experienced it, I want to talk about it.

I recently read an article by a woman named Sarah who discussed some of the same things about being a single person in church that I have previously talked about. She talked about some of the past hurts she has experienced and frustrations she’s faced. Many of her points really stood out to me, but what really got me thinking were some of the comments from other people who shared similar experiences. One woman said that if the Bible didn’t tell us to go to church she wouldn’t go, because of how difficult it is to be a single christian. One woman in her 60′s said that after her husband passed away the couples that they used to go out and go on group couple dates with stopped inviting her and she was left behind, and that being single was drastically different than being married when it came to how she was treated at church. One woman said that she was treated as a second class citizen and wasn’t taken seriously. One woman stated she wasn’t allowed to serve on any ministry teams as a single because the church did not trust single people to control their sexual desires and felt single people would try to hit on married staff members and cause them to sin (insert huuuuuge eye roll). Still another shared that married women were constantly trying to help her improve herself, giving her tips on how to best attract a husband because she wasn’t getting any younger. A man stated that he quit going to church because he felt like there was nothing going on in church for him. Another man stated that at 51 years old, after years of being told he needed to just “man up and ask a woman out”, he was tired of being treated like there was something wrong with him for being single when he was happy to be single and didn’t mind that he wasn’t married. And another man said that there was no point in going to church when it was obvious he wasn’t welcome because he didn’t have a wife and kids. One man made a similar comment, stating that walking into church as a single male was difficult because during the meet and greet time of the service people flock to couples and families while single people are left out in the cold. That is something I really related to as I have experienced the exact same thing in the past. It helps to know it isn’t just you that’s happening to when you see someone else talk about it.

Honestly, reading stories like that just breaks my heart. All you have to do is google something along the lines of “why don’t single people go to church” or “singleness in the christian church” and you will see many articles trying to figure out what seems to be an elusive answer to a complicated question. I’ve read so many articles written by people who share similar sentiments; they don’t feel welcome in church or they feel like they are seen as less than because they’re single. They feel there is no need to be somewhere that they aren’t wanted. How sad! If people all over the country are feeling this way, that leads me to believe that this is a major issue that isn’t being properly addressed. Single people have stopped going to church because, to be quite frank, there is nothing there for them. There is nothing at church to keep them there. No discipleship, no resources, no information, no help, no encouragement, no nothing. Why would a person stay somewhere if there is nothing there for them? Also, why is the only advice we are giving single people “just be content in the Lord and read your Bible” but we have multiple classes, courses and sermons for married people with practical, every day advice on how to grow and succeed in the season of life they are in? Single people are being left to fend for themselves with no resources or information. We teach married people how to better relate to each other, how to listen to each other, how to manage your finances together, what a Biblical marriage looks like...I mean, you name it. So why are we not offering the same types of things for singles? Do we really think that a blanket statement of “just be content in life and in God” is as helpful as all the resources we’re making available to married couples? I feel this quote states the problem very accurately: “Churches spend a lot of energy trying to help married people get through marital difficulties so they can continue in their marriage, thrive, and honor God in that. What resources do churches offer single people to do the same? Not to groom them for marriage, or help them wait out the clock until they find a partner, but truly thriving and using singleness for God’s Glory?”

Truly thriving and using singleness for God’s glory. I like that. The fact of the matter is, not every single person in the church who wants to get married is actually going to get married. This is especially true for women, as there is a wide gap in the ratio of single women to single men in church. Statistically, there are not enough men in the church for every woman who wants to get married. The men are just not there. That means some of our sisters are going to have to learn how to move forward in life while grieving the loss of a major dream. If we expect people to not date outside the church, to not be “unequally yolked” as it were, then why aren’t we helping them learn how to move on in life and learn how to be the best single person they can be? To truly thrive and use singleness for God’s glory? I saw someone say that “single people are tolerated, married people are celebrated.” When I read that quote, I realized it said so succinctly everything so many people are feeling. Some people have dreamt for so long of being a spouse and a parent and have no idea how to go on in life and figure out what they are supposed to do when it’s clear there’s a real possibility that marriage and kids aren’t on the table. For most people, marriage is very important. It’s what almost everyone looks forward to, dreams of and longs for. But when it doesn’t happen, where is the church to help our people learn to live a life they never thought they were going to have to live? I personally believe this is why we see so many single people in the church choose to marry a non-christian person. Now I am not meaning to say anything negative about non-christian people. I know and love many non-christians! You do not have to believe in God for me to love you. What I am saying is the Bible says “Do not be unequally yolked with unbelievers... (2 Corinthians 6:14)” and the christian church believes that applies to marriage and teaches that a christian should not marry a non-christian. I am in no way trying to make it seem like I have something against someone who is not a christian. I will also acknowledge that I believe people have the ability to make their own decisions and they can choose to wait and marry a christian or stay single and not be “unequally yolked.” I am not trying to dismiss personal responsibility and blame the church for people’s personal choices. What I am trying to say is that I think the church will continue to see marriages between christian and non-christian people when there is a lack of support and encouragement for singles.

Now, I have heard before that the reason there are no resources for single people is because there are so few single people in church. But I personally feel like that’s a backwards statement. I think the correct statement should actually be: because there are no resources in church, there are few single people. I know there are a lot of single people in the area that I live in. Maybe if people knew that there was something there for them, if they knew that they were going to be welcomed, they would start showing up. So many people, especially now, have questions about God and Jesus. Look at everything going on around us in our community, in our country, and in our world. How could you not have questions? I feel like there are a lot of people that are more open to hearing about Jesus than there have been in a long time. Things are uncertain. Maybe people want to come to church and learn more about God and find out for themselves what they believe. But I can tell you that I don’t think they will continue to attend if they decide to make a decision to show up to church one Sunday, and then get ignored the entire time and be made to feel like they’re invisible. I feel like if people really knew they were wanted that they would continue to show up and be willing to find answers to the many questions they have. I have heard from multiple people that they don’t have anything against the idea of believing in God, but they want nothing to do with going to church because of the way people behave. I would like to say that for every time that’s been me, I am sorry. I never want to be that person that makes people feel unwanted or ignored. But I know that I’m not perfect, and if I have ever done that I want to start making it right. I want to start changing my behavior. I want to start treating people with the respect they deserve. I want to truly, sincerely love people the way Jesus loves them. I feel like that’s something we should all want.

I also heard someone in a leadership position once say that what 30+ single people want is a mixed bag, and that basically they don’t know what to do with us. But does that mean that instead of trying things and figuring out what works, we just don’t do anything at all? Does that mean we just give up and leave people to figure things out for themselves and not offer any kind of support? I hope not.

I want to go back to talking about the ratio of single women to men in church for a moment, because it leads me to what I feel is an extremely important question: where are the single men? Coming at this from a woman’s perspective, there are so many single christian women of a wide age variety showing up every Sunday. They love Jesus, they’re committed, they’re trying to serve, they’re in community groups. Some of them are happy being single, and have no desire to be married. However, some of them have been waiting and waiting and waiting to be married. We tell women to “just be patient and wait, your husband will show up.” But how is a husband going to just show up when there are so few single men in church? And on that note, why do single men not like going to church? What are they doing instead? I recently asked my brother, who is the connections director at his church these very questions. His answer? “I don’t know. They’re out enjoying their day off of work, they’re golfing, they’re watching football, etc...” So why is it that single men would rather be doing those things than going to church? Why is church not important? I think most churches would tell you that they believe that good leadership starts with godly men. So shouldn’t we think it’s important for men to want to come to church? Shouldn’t we think it’s important that they don’t want to come? Shouldn’t we think it’s important to figure out why they don’t want to attend? I am very perplexed by all of this. Now obviously I’m not a man, and I have no idea what would help a man be interested in church. I have zero answers to any of these questions. However, I still feel this is a relevant and thought provoking question to mull over. Trying to figure out why there aren’t many single men in church is such a large topic and could cover many areas of discussion. If you know any single men, I would encourage you to ask them these questions and get their perspective on things.

I feel like this is just a tiny drop in a large sea of questions where there seem to be few answers. And I just don’t have all the answers. I wish that I did! But maybe not having many answers is ok for now. Maybe what’s important right now is just the fact that we have begun to realize we have these questions in the first place. In this instance, I feel like it’s a good place to start.

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