#but anyway yeah :^) im an Adult now and ive Moved Out of my moms house Using All The Pride YCH Commission Monie i got

[little-klng]

Wait wait wait tell us abt the Walmart piercer please!! That sounds horrible!

WHEEZE so like, graphic description+picture of scarring from a botched piercing below the cut,, but,,

I have 8 total ear piercings (I do intend on getting more) but currently only have 4 in one ear and 2 in the other, and the two most recent holes on my left ear are closed up and scarred over. I've always gotten them done at Walmart (because all of them were from childhood where I didn't get a choice of piercer), and for the last set of earrings I got (the ones that are closed now) I was 18 and tried very very hard to convince my mom to let me get them done by a real piercer and not a piercing gun. I tried to explain that they're dangerous and result in infections really often because the people using them often aren't trained very well and they're rarely actually sanitized. I didn't have control over my own transportation at the time, so I didn't have a way to do it differently when my mom said "no it's fine, we've both always gotten them done by piercing guns and it's never gone bad" (not true, she has something like 12 piercings and has had to have several redone too)

So we end up going to Walmart to get it done, and red flag #1 they had to redo the pen mark like 4-5 times to line up the piercings evenly on both sides, red flag #2 the piercer didn't actually speak to me, she spoke to my mom and barely looked at me except to line up the gun, and red flag #3 she was also chatting to her coworker more than she was paying attention to what she was loading into the piercing gun (we had to stop her and course correct that they had to be *gold bars*, not silver, because I'm allergic to metals that aren't gold and it'll need to come straight out and a new one will need to be put in. We already picked the bars, she just had a few out and kept picking up the wrong ones because she wasn't paying attention. Bonus red flag, she didn't sanitize the piercings or the gun, and when I pointed it out, she basically ignored me and told my mom instead that "we sanitize it afterwards anyway, so it doesn't matter" (basically hoping+assuming the person before her had done a good enough job, however long ago that was)

First pierce went "okay" (it was a little crooked but didn't hurt much, it was only later when I needed to change the bars for hoops that I realized how crooked, because it still lies weird in my ear and pointed towards my face instead of straight ahead) but the second one was 1. No warning 2. Extremely painful and made me flinch with the gun still in my ear because 3. She had fully turned her head away from me to talk to a passing customer she knew and was excited to see right before she pulled the trigger. The result was a hole that was in the wrong place entirely (too far down, close to another piercing below it), very bleedy/weepy, and a weirdly "corkscrewed" hole? When I had to change the bar to a hoop, it took 45 minutes and a LOT of tears to twist it around inside until it finally came out the other side. For the year that I insisted on keeping it in (because I couldn't redo it) (personal reasons yknow how it is) I suffered constant reinfections, internal pus spots inside of my ear, ear infections in general, migraines, generally getting sick more often, infection of the already-established piercing below it, and eventual rejection of both the original and lower piercing that meant I had to remove and close both holes and just bank on being able to repierce as an adult (I was 18 when it was pierced, 19 when this happened, and I'm turning 23 this year and it's still not redone lol)

Here's how it looks now, sorry about the blurry photo, my phone won't focus properly in front cam mode

You can see just how long I let them both reject for before I gave up lmao (scars are the puffy lighter parts above the two hoops, for those unfamiliar)

And here's the other side, so you can see just how crooked that piercing really is. No, I'm not holding my ear weird, it just sits like that and bothers me when I wear headphones. I considered letting this hole close too and just getting it redone, but I wanted to talk to a real piercer first and get their opinion on if it can be fixed first since I've never actually spoken to one or know the limitations of piercing over existing scars

Anyway yeah don't do piercing guns, kids, and don't make your kids do piercing guns either if they ask you for a real piercer appointment :|

[ayyponine]

might fuck around and get back into art classes next year

yes! for those who remember. back in 2015 when the abuse was p bad and i wanted to get out of the house more often i got into adult part time education drawing classes two evenings a week and had a pretty sweet time w it. So anyway looks like ill be moving into a new place this coming monday and ill be maybe like a five min walk frm said art school. and while living carefree w my mom ive always been like omg i MUST save money i MUST be responsible what if smth happens you have to save up and be careful always!! but now that im gonna live on my own and already give almost half my monthly paycheck to Some Guy just so i can Exist within 52 m² of a building he owns and has last renovated in 1996 and then still have all the other bills left im like hm. i should spend some of my money to treat myself at least.

For a hot second i thought it might be €400 a year but it might even get cut down to 188? Idk w my current insurance im getting special compensation (the type where u only pay €1 at a doctor’s visit). So im hoping I can keep that status as I move? I mean I work 4/5ths at literally minimum wage so i sure as fuck hope I wont get fucked here and lose that recognition and aid but either way yeah. Enough saving might get to spending. as a lil treat

(note to self ill also need to check if i can. get sociaal tarief on my energy bills n shit i should talk w my insurance bc i sure as fuck dont know whatever compensation i might be fully and freely entitled to if i just. ask fr it. Idk i have so much shit to deal w rn re: energy water telecom aside frm practical arrangements to make the move happen i should mb look into it but atm i cant. bc im mentally in shambles having to move out of my moms house when neither of us really wants me to <3)

but yeah in the past i did the evening drawing classes. Might fuck around now and give the painting ones a try. Evening course monday and tuesday eve starting at 6 pm. Monday our store’s always closed so I’d be able to go no prob. I could check if I might lock down the early shift every tuesday so id be out immediately at 5 instead of having to close & miss the entire like first hour of that night’s class.

fingers crossed they host some typa open atelier day later this spring/summer so I can go have a look, get informed, get a feel of who the teacher is and whether I like his vibe. 

then obviously eventually get recognised as being an artistic genius and secure the right connections to make and sell artwork at ridiculous prices to help support my living all alone on minimum wage <3

on an unrelated note might fuck around and get a course in EHBO and why tf not, EHBP. the first aid course i did in teacher training expired last summer so might as well renew that shit in case i need to stop a bitch dying frm a heart attack or smth. everything close by is booked atm tho so eh. future possibilities

on another unrelated note. might get into yoga so i dont fuck up my back working retail five days a week

[confused-and-dickless]

I love breathing. Love to be a part of it one day

[brelione]

Wish I Was Sarah PT.1(Kiara Carrera X Reader)

Kiara had first met you 3rd of December.You had been at a party,a christmas party to be specific.You were a kook which meant your parents forced you to go to all the big mansion parties all the time.All of the big ones were there,Sarah Cameron,Topper Thornton,Rafe Cameron,Kiara Carrera.All of them.

You had worn a sweater over a simple t shirt,too lazy to put on a dress like all the others.Your parents were just glad that you had agreed to make an appearance even if you looked like shit.You had sat in the corner of the couch,earbuds in.You were listening to Sweater Weather,thinking it was funny because you were,in fact,wearing a sweater.

Kiara had stood at the snack table for a while,holding a disgusting monstrosity of a cookie,debating on picking off the sprinkles and throwing them away.She had never really been a fan of sprinkles.She had glanced around the crowds,the moms talking as they ate cheese cubes,the dads talking as they drank beers and wine,the other teens probably getting high up in the bathroom.Then her eyes fell on you.

She felt her face heat up immediately,staring at you for a while.You were underdressed for the occasion,your earbuds in as you sat curled up on the couch,seeming tired of being there.She debated herself in her head,trying to decide whether to approach you or not.Eventually she gave in,walking across the room with fake confidence,sitting down next to you.She watched as you tensed up,your eyes going wide,your bottom lip between your teeth,wondering what she wanted.

You pulled out an earbud,looking up at the beautiful girl that had decided to sit next to you of all places. “Hey.”She smiled,holding out her hand to you. “Im Kiara.”She introduced herself.You pulled out your other earbud,a small grin on your face. “Hi.Im (Y/N).”You shook her hand,feeling your face heat up a bit. “So um….yeah.What song were you listening to?”She asked,trying not to laugh at how dumb she sounded.You showed her your phone,finding yourself moving closer to her on the couch. “You like Frozen ll a lot.”She laughed,watching you scroll through the playlist.

You nodded,handing her an earbud to make her listen to Lost In The Woods. “Ive never seen Frozen ll.”She admitted,watching as your jaw dropped and your eyes widened. “Kiara!Oh my god-whats wrong with you?”Your voice became higher as you talked,your hand covering your mouth.She laughed at you,shrugging. “Wait,have you seen the first one?”You asked.She nodded,watching as a look of relief came across your face. “Okay,did you like it?”You asked.She shrugged once again,smiling at your enthusiasm. 

“The second one is better I promise.”You answered.She rolled her eyes,leaning back against the couch. “Im serious!The soundtrack,the animation everything is so much better!”You exclaimed,shaking your phone as you spoke.She nodded. “Yeah,whatever you say.”She replied,watching as you tried to convince her. “You have to watch it!Please?”You pouted.She nodded,making you clap your hands in excitement as you went into your disney plus app.She watched as you scrolled through the movies,a big grin on your face because you had easily defeated her.

 “Its so cold in here.Who puts air conditioning on in december?”She complained out loud.You handed her your phone for a moment,not hesitating to pull off your sweater and hand it to her. “That’s pretty warm.”You told her,not really thinking about it.Her face turned red,biting her bottom lip as she held back a smile.

She had originally regretted her wardrobe choice of a green dress,the fabric light and flowy,her arms exposed which caused goosebumps to rise across her caramel skin.She didnt regret it now though as she pulled on your sweater,the warm fabric making the goosebumps go away.Her heart was thumping as you moved incredibly close to her,handing her an earbud and holding your phone in front of the two of you.

As you reached the point of Into The Unknown it was announced that dinner was ready,ham,turkey,potatoes,corn,rolls,pretty much everything imaginable.It disgusted you that you all had a feast of expensive,high quality food while people in The Cut were lucky to have a meal a day.The adults called the other teens downstairs for the meal and you promised Kiara that you’d finish watching it after.You two decided to sit next to eachother at the table,your sweater still on her.

She offered it back to you,saying that she didnt want to get food on it but you told her that it was fine and that it looked better on her anyways. “So the movie...what do you think about it so far?”You had asked softly as Kelce and Topper came down the stairs. “Its good.Its good,like you said,better than the first for sure.”She nodded,eyebrows furrowing when she noticed your eyes falling away from her and towards someone walking down the stairs.Sarah fucking Cameron.The blonde was wearing a nice,light grey dress that looked amazing on her figure,her hair in pretty braids.

Kiara saw the look in your eyes,the way they were full of wonder,mesmorized by Sarah Cameron.She felt like dying,like being eaten up by a black hole as she wondered how she could be so stupid.She had thought that maybe you were interested in her but it was probably because she had been the only girl there.Now that Sarah was here she would be lucky if she could get your attention back again. 

“So what do you think of the theory about Elsa?”She asked,glaring at Sarah.Your face heated up,taking your eyes off of the pretty blonde and back to Kiara. “What theory?”You asked,glancing over at Sarah every couple of moments.Kiara tried to hide her anger,covering it with a small grin. “The one about her being a lesbian.What do you think of it?”She asked,trying to learn more about you and if she even had a chance.You bit your lip,looking over at the plate of biscuits. 

“I mean,I think at this point we all just want representation in disney and in like,media in general but I dont think Elsa is a lesbian.I feel like she might be aromantic or maybe...well,I dont really know.There’s nothing-well,you know she actual might be a lesbian,”You paused,leaning forward to grab a biscuit and put it on your plate. 

“There’s this one scene in Frozen ll,ill point it out to you that has like vibes to it.But then again just because she doesnt have a male love interest doesnt exactly mean she’s a lesbian.Moana and Merida didnt have guys that they were in love with but that doesnt mean they’re lesbians.Merida might be a lesbian,have you seen how good she is in nature and cooking fish in the wild?And how she knew those berries were poison?Thats some cottage core lesbian shit.What was I talking about?”you asked,realising you had gotten caught up in the topic and had forgotten the original question.

Kiara smiled,glad to hear you speak so passionately about something. “If Elsa is a lesbian.”She held back a laugh,watching as the realisation came across your face. “Right,so the answer is yes but also no but also yes.Like at least fifty percent yes but also no but im 1000% confident in Merida being a lesbian.”You confirmed,cutting open your biscuit.She nodded,trying to think of a new topic before she lost your attention again. “So the whole thing of people shipping Else with Jack Frost.What do you think of that?”She asked,laughing when your fists slapped down in your lap,gaining the attention of Rafe and Sarah. 

“Dude literally it makes no sense!Jack Frost isnt even disney!Like the only reason anyone ever shipped them was because they have the same powers but Jack is like 300 years old and hes like...energetic and giggly and child-like and immature and she would get so annoyed so quick!She’s introverted and serious and of course theres nothing wrong with that but she gets like too embarrassed too fast and I cant see them ever getting together or even being friends.Like,Merida is most definitely a lesbian but if they’re gonna ship Jack with anyone it should be her!Their personalities are so similar.”You huffed,biting into a half of your biscuit.

She nodded,grabbing a scoop of mashed potatoes and putting it onto her plate. “Yeah,definitely.So who is your favorite disney princess?”She asked,sending a bitter glare towards Sarah.Sarah had been staring at you during your passionate speech,filtering out the other voices to listen to you.She found you fascinating,intriguing.She was trying to figure out why she didnt know you or if you were new to the island.You glanced her way,smirking to yourself when you saw her blush. “Um...I dont think I have a favorite.They’re all powerful and wonderful in their own ways and they all have pretty cool stories.Except Pocahontas,I hate that they romanticize colonization and in reality she was like ten and he was in his late twenties.The soundtrack was great though.”You shrugged,taking a sip of root beer.

She nodded,listening in to what the old folks were talking about.There were more people outside who had opted to take plates of food out there.Kiara wouldve preferred to go outside but it was colder out there and she hadnt been prepared.Her mother was looking at her from across the table but Kiara couldnt care less,too busy searching for your parents. “Hey,(Y/N)?”She asked quietly,getting your attention off of your biscuit. “Where are your parents?”She asked.You shrugged,getting your own scoop of mashed potatoes. “I think they’re outside.I dunno.”You answered.She nodded,continuing to eat,sending a glare towards Sarah every couple of moments. 

“Eat faster so we can finish the movie.”You told her,not thinking about it as you spoke.She smiled,hurrying to eat. “Wait,why dont we just go outside and watch it?”She suggested.You bit your cheek,trying to figure out why you hadnt thought of that.You nodded,standing up and picking up your root beer,balancing it on your plate and walking out of the house,Kiara close behind you. “Where are we going?”She asked.You grinned,careful as you walked down the hill. “I know a spot.”You answered,walking across the sand of the beach.

You had explored pretty much all spots of the beach and had found your favorite one,a cave behind a wall of rocks that you had personalized.You walked towards the rock wall,slipping through the crack. “What is this place?”She asked,still following you.You smiled,turning on your phone flash light so you could see the lantern that you had put in there,turning it on.Her face lit up,looking around the cave.Pillows,sheets,blankets,pretty curtains hanging from the walls,a bin of paints so you could paint the rocks. “Thats such a good question.I really dont know how it got here,I just went through the crack one day and kind of just found it.”You shrugged,sitting down in the pile of pillows and patting the spot next to you.She sat down,shifting so she was as close to you as possible,leaning her head against your shoulder to test the waters.You pulled the earbuds from you phone,turning up the volume of the movie.

@poguestyleskye​ @jjtheangel​ @balanceofgray​​ @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian 

If you’d like to be tagged in all future JJ imagines/headcannons/series comment with a heart,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Pope imagines/headcannons/series comment with a smiling face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Rafe imagines/headcannons/series comment with a frowning face,if you’d like to be tagged in all future Kiara imagines/headcannons/series comment with a question mark and if you’d like to be tagged in all future Sarah Cameron imagines/headcannons/series comment with a plus sign.If you’d like to be tagged in all Kelce content coment with a “>” and if youd like to be tagged in all Topper content comment with a “%”.Or if thats too complicated you can just comment whose name you’d like to be tagged in.

[dantelionwishes]

I WANNA HEAR D'S THOUGHTS ON JEN'S QUESTION Spill the beans! You've even got me curious now!

“Do you think Rose is a good person?”

I’ll answer not just Jen’s question, but generally thoughts surrounding D and Rose’s relationship!! It’s gonna be long because I think about this a WHOOOOOOLE lot, and I seriously mean a whole lot,,, so read ahead!

btw, if you think Rose is a bad person and D hates him, that’s where you’re mistaken! IT’S MY STORY MY HEADCANONS SO IF U DONT WANNA READ THIS THEN DONT BRO HJASGJHASHJ

PRE-ETERNATUS, CHALLENGER ARC

Ive mentioned before, but D and the chairman had a fairly good relationship!!

In-game, rose is very interested in the player and talks to you a lot, so honestly not much changes here

D, in his challenger phase, is forcibly very loud and flamboyant. being overly animated and confident, he’s able to keep up with rose who likes to chat and banter with him 

When d talks to people, he KNOWS he’s being over-the-top, which is why he feels very awkward doing it (when people point it out, it makes it painfully awkward and embarrassing for them. Point in case: bede and Marnie!)

Rose finds him a very interesting trainer and observes D a lot. Its not hard to notice how hard he’s trying, but rose doesn’t point this out and genuinely moves along with what D’s vibes are as to not make him feel any more humiliated 

D is aware that Rose is playing along with his act, and thanks to this it really builds up trust like!! Oh the chairman isn’t making fun of me and genuinely finds me interesting and strong!!!! the chairman!! What a morale boost!!!!!! 

Again, its genuinely (funny and) awkward when D is being his over-the-top animated self, and its easy to point this out (which most people do, from his rivals to other trainers, to even gym leaders) but the only people who dont actively point it out AND act along would be his mom, hop, Leon, and rose! 

in addition, D has a pretty high-pitched voice so its easy to tell he’s trans?? He was worried he was going to be misgendered by such an all-important person like the chairman, but was surprised when rose immediately was just comfortable with calling him a “young man”

Another cute trivia thing during this stage was that they both are wearing shades for their “incognito mode” and D even gives the chairman some fashion tips for the next time he goes out!

It actually pisses off bede with how much rose and d talk;;;;;;  def one of the reasons why d and bede fight hhhh

The part of the plot where they head to rose tower, D was actually very against it in the beginning, saying that he could actually just try and call up the chairman if he wanted to! He tries and tries, but then starts to panic once he does in fact realise that something isnt right 

Even after storming thru rose tower and defeating oleana, d eVEN TRIES TO INVITE ROSE TO THEIR DINNER (MY BOY IS THINKIN: A DINNER WITH HIS FAV PPL!! HOP, LEON, AND ROSE!! the only one missing would be his mom) ……….but r-rose dismisses it with a smile, saying maybe next time…………..

D is a meek, insecure person who is easily broken down, so he really needs a lot of support to keep moving sO JUST IMAGINE this baby boy who puts trust in someone suddenly goes batshit and you have to defeat them with ur own hands????? Wowza. 

POST-ETERNATUS, NEWLY APPOINTED CHAMPION

OH BOY EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THIS FUCKIN GOES IF THEY REMEMBER MY FIRST POSTS JHASGJHHJAS

Ive already shown this via an illustration + a short Drabble, but its only after the eternatus battle that their father-son relationship is revealed

The game really doesnt show how serious the eternatus battle was, but for me: Leon was hospitalised for quite some time and wasn’t allowed to battle D until he healed up. At the same time, this gave D a lot of time to think about wHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED

I dont mention it, but this is where his gym leader au starts off from the canon timeline!! At this point, D is calling his mom or talking to hop or just locking himself up and is just generally in a panicked state where he feels like dropping out of the challenge, feeling overwhelmed with what just happened

ANYWAY IM HERE TO TALK ABT ROSE AND D but lets just say his Pokemon convince him to continue!!   

at the same time of his win, gossip went around quick and not only is D now very popular for suddenly defeating the unbeatable champion Leon, but is actually the “villainous” chairman rose’s son!??!?!?!??!! 

POOR SON BOY IS OVERWHELMED ONCE MORE, HELP HIM.

He actually escapes to the isle of armour + crown tundra as a way to give him time to think about this more (isle of armour: personal time for himself to think alone, crown tundra: chance to spend time with relatives he didn’t know he had) 

OK GENUINE RELATIONSHIP ANALYZATION TIME:

After becoming champion, he really didnt go see rose at all, feeling a plenty mix of frustration, sadness, anger, betrayal, but!! his feelings dont simply surround the “oh the adult I trusted was actually bad and lied to me“ or “wtf hes the dad who wasn’t there for me and is the reason why mom is alone how dare he” IT REALLY WAS A MIX OF BOTH HGHHGHH

But its BECAUSE he was close to him in the first place that he knows rose wasn’t just….straight up a bad person or a villain

The important part here was that rose and D were close during the challenger part, and our lad had a lot of time to think about how he was simply a good, misguided man

rose is very passionate about the things he cares about, to the point of doing anything and everything for them (ex. Awakening eternatus for Galar’s sake to the point of accidentally getting darkest day, or even working hard for Miriam’s sake to the point of accidentally never being there for her anymore) 

Yeah, d talked to a whole lot of people to think this over. He learned what happened between rose and his mom while talking to her, and D also learned what happened between peony and rose to further understand what’s up!!

In the process, I like to think both Miriam and peony dont hate rose! D was also an important factor in helping the both of them realise and clear up a few things, and at least, in their minds, stay on good terms with rose 

During both DLC arcs, D is silent at first but slowly n surely starts sending small letters to Rose :’))

YAY ACTUAL INTERACTION????

After a lot of thought on his self-journey, its safe to say that D had felt a lot more comfortable, finally talking to rose after the galarian star tournament arc !!

Ive mentioned before, but its not like D has to start from scratch since they had a good relationship as challenger and chairman beforehand anyway

D wants a dad! He does want to meet his dad, and at the same time rose regrets not making time for his lover and future family, so I’d say after pushing away the initial negative awkwardness they do both have the same, genuine goal in mind to talk to each other and build a good relationship with each other!!!!!!

Ive also said before but like ONE OF D’S FEARS IS…..”WHAT IF I MEET MY DAD AND HES TRANSPHOBIC” YKNO???? So knowing that rose already thinks hes already perfect in his eyes, IT REALLY DOES WONDERS TO A YOUNG BOY YKN O ?? ? ? ? ?? 

Uhhhhh honestly I really dont know how jail works and shit sO LETS JUST SAY D VISITS REGULARLY IF HES NOT BUSY WITH CHAMPION DUTIES!!!

Also I have nO idea what oleana means by “WHERE IS CHAIRMAN ROSE” cos like��.iSNT HE JUST VIBIN IN JAIL??????? Lets just say he is sdghjjhsdhj

TL;DR

D had a lot, and I mean A LOT, of time to think about Rose. He does not have any ill intentions or feelings towards him, and the two have a hopeful, slowly budding father-and-son relationship. 

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 26-30

been awhile since i’ve watched but.... another day, another emotional rollercoaster 

episode 26: her reason

who’s her and what’s her reason

bother him ALLLLL you want maria ross...bother him all day long

he deserves it

INVOICE HAHAHAHAHA

dont yell at maria fuck off!!!! 

GIRLY WHAT IS IZUMI DOING!!!!!!!! 

i screamed i did

i love sig and izumi sm!!!!!!

omg ed and al’s faces

PANINYAAAAAAA

why does she have an automail arm whAT

i feel almost insulted for paninya’s dope weapon legs

oh wait ive seen this arm wrestling scene before lmao

go paninya goooo

i do not tolerate this mr dominic slander

OH NO DO NOT INSULT QUEEN WINRY’S WORK

sucks to suck!!!!

i do think winry may have just fallen in love

ed is such a simp though

JUMBO????? his name iS JUMBO??????

al’s mousy little what?

yikes yeah you know what winry id be pissed too

she felt so good about her work!!!

crush over

jk theyre soulmates

wow roy ur so smart

damn oh ok they kept paninya’s legs too

so she only has 1 biological limb wow

paninya is definitely a lesbian 

we’ve all known that though i mean-----the camo pants

i saw paninya wearing army pants and flip flops, so i bought army pants and flip flops

oh my god winry you DEVIOUS BASTARD

i can see why people ship paninya and winry but im sorry im an edwin simp

young pinako is hot i get it dominic

OH MY GOD DEVIOUS

WINRY LMAO

GUN LEGS!

kill him?? pANINYA think about that before you shoot someone!!! 

AWWWWWW ED!!!! “best automail in the world!!!!” IM CRYING

“hello sir” alphonse you sweet boy

sheska u good???

OPE HEY CURTISES

ed why are you sad

omg winry dont cry!!!! 

hahahaha sig

THE BOYS’ FACES LMAO

episode 27: teacher

izumi time lets gooooooooooooo

the ominous music lolololol

THE WINDOW

WHERE IS ALPHONSE

HA

RIGHT THERE

ED’S FUCKING FACE HAHAHAHA

grumman!!!!!

STEW TONIGHT FUCK YEAH

xerxes drop

edward you are being so foreboding

izumi queen of my life lets go girl!!!

umbrella king sig curtis!!!

ed you dumbass!!!!!

angry face boys

mom dad and the kids on the train!!!! makes me cry

awww win’s gonna miss the dudes

omg havoc plzzzz

why is he calling riza like she doesnt already know shes going too

do not leave my boy falman behind!!!

oh good ok

mason my dude!!!

“yes maam”

this is UNCOMFORTABLE

guys i simp for sig tbh

omg al scary boy

uh oh she SAWWWWWWW you!!!

aww i forgot about the dead cat goddamnit

not THE KITTY

ok but those baby kittens need some MELK

its all over for you two watch out

cant hide JACK SHIT from mama bear

yikes

she gonna kick your ass oof

hugs oh thats nice

episode 28: all is one, one is all

island timeeee

wait theyre on island time PART 2???? ok

the way sig’s HAND---- anyway

ok so creepy naked child??

im suspicious

clearly the boys didnt read my hero academia 

or the three musketeers

al really got YEETED

yote?

oh the kid has clothes on. leaf clothes

i know dublith is in the “south” but is it really a tropical locale?

aww the bunny

“kill it”

owie hope you dont get rabies edward

the ost man so good for both series

al really said J’ACCUSE

they didnt know the masked man was mason the first time around? aight

im really having trouble typing and eating dumplings at the same time

might pause for a dumpling break

i made these in the microwave theyre pretty good

def not the best ive had but they were, ya know, microwaved

anyways sad al hours

YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR BROTHER????

it’s the circle of life simba

getting REAL philosophical rn

“dont call me small”

now we’re getting REAL scientific

im just imagining these idiots on shrooms rn

mannnnnnnnnnnn

WAIT IMAGINE LING YAO ON SHROOMS

wow what a yummy snake breakfast

izumi said 👁 👄 👁

izumi is so hot

that is the creepiest motherfucker i ever did see

ok im gonna go rinse this dish out be back in a min!!!

episode 29: the untainted child

i am the tainted adult

you SURE his parents are lookin?

i feel like izumi is being very loving towards this child

what happened to tough love bbygirl

im not saying shes not loving in her ways but shouldnt she by nature be a litttttleeee bit more sus of this kid???

dont tell me

this is sig and izumi’s “child”

theory pending

winry is such a protective lil egg

here’s whats cookin in my head

its sig and izumi’s child and ed’s arm and leg smooshed together into a homunculus...theory still pending but im definitely right

WHY DOES SIG SLEEP W HIS EYES OPEN SIR!!!!!!!

whole situation is a mess my dudes

what did u do kid????? 

“i know ed lies sometimes”

l oh fucking l

who transmutes themselves with a bed though

not the move kid

OPE

of course winry slept through this whole thing

sheska and elicia and gracia. my heart.

did the colonel just LEAVE HER BEHIND? god what a dick

sheska WENT OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!

yes maam!!!!!!!

u tell that dumbass!!!!!!

why does envy have to sit like that

gon make me SIMP

embarrassing

*debby ryan hair tuck meme*

i love the way al sits

hes so dainty

what a gent

oh that lil kid was in the gate!!!!

how a homunculus is born? please tell me more

ARCHER....my sister was texting me about him when she asked how far i was. i googled him i saw his....bod....

yup

ARM AND LEG CONFIRMED

my brain waves are unparalleled

ED REALLY JUST YEETED WINRY AND KABEDONED THE HOMUNCULUS

EDWARD STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP OMG

off goes the kid

BIDOOOOOOOOOOO <3

why is she upset??? what did you realize izumi

that its your baby??? probs

im just that smart

episode 30: assault on south headquarters

YOKI LMAO

seeing yoki and scar makes me miss mei chang

MEI CHANG SUPREMACY

yoki really about to snitch

BIDOOOOOO

everyone showing up this episode

greed is gonna roll up with a venti frappuccino any minute now

archer is a creep

is this footage from the arnold classic?

“the muscles did the talking for them”

archer is a creep

who ru calling a freak HAHA AL’s angwy voice

ope

how IS hughes doing

pls not the pain

how did this kid come into the corporeal world

armstrong what

OUROBOROS

so he’s either wrath or pride ig

i dont think bradley is a homunculus in this one

yoki is basically michael yagoobian aka the bowler hat guy

there’s greed lmao 

with the ladies

EW NO PLEASE GOD

I DONT WANT ANY MORE SHOU TUCKER

KIMBLEE WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK WHO CUT HIS HAIR LIKE THAT

WHO ALLOWED THAT I AM CHOKING

NOT THE MULLET PONYTAIL

izumi taking on the military

of course

kimblee JESUS 

bradley is EVERYWHERE at ALL TIMES

this is rOUGH

there are so many parties vying for the kid

i still cant get over kimblee like WHAT

WHAT IS HIS PURPOSE HERE

AGAIN it just seems like bradley is everywhere at all times

[festeringfae]

i honestly cannot believe this movie introduced a plot like 10 minutes ago about separating the girls so they don’t catch the gay and now the girls are literally naked bathing together in a bathtub and we are not shown how or why this is allowed to happen and i know, i KNOW, it is never going to be addressed

this is just. not one of the ways i expected heavenly creatures to be bad, you know? they interviewed 40 people! they have diaries! i did not think a problem was going to be fucking CONTINUITY!

i mean one thing thats nice is that im barely creeped out anymore im just annoyed so thats sort of phobia conquering, but also i know saying that has jynxed it, especially since Kate Winslet has been both the most horrifying and cringe-inducing character, and shes been offscreen awhile but shes back now. you know. IN A BATHTUB.

Ok an adult did notice they were in the bathroom together but only when they were taking, like, photographs or something or maybe cutting their hair, idk, but the fact that a) hankypanky is a word spoken about a thing they could have been DOING IN THE BEDROOM and not them getting caught IN A BATH TOGETHER and b) that they were alone long enough to take a bath together and not get caught.....the hulme mom is rightfully telling her husband to calm the fuck down but i feel like theyre gonna paint her as an apathetic sex vixen again which just like STOP

ok not necessarily sexual but they really had her say “im sure its perfectly innocent” and then jump cut to them grabbing valuables to sell so they can move abroad to live together so like YEAH U DEF JUST IMPLIED IF U R WORRIED ABOUT YR GIRLS BEING LESBIANS AND DECIDE TO BE CHILL ABOUT IT THEY WILL ACTUALLY STEAL YOUR VALUABLES TO RUN OFF TOGETHER AT AGE 14 AND MAYBE ALSO MURDER ONE OF THEIR PARENTS

Weirdly i think this is where i tuned in and also its both weird that they still demonstrate the girls having “real”/explicit crushes on the men (not even in a diary entry!) but also juliet suggests for the first time irl “simply murder” for their wives, and because its juliet its not a first hand source and ive noticed a pattern of juliet suggesting things first/being the leader to the Melanie Igor and its like??? is that supposed to be a statement on class? is it what is suggested by history? is it a thing in the diary they just don’t quote, like. These Are Key Details About the Why and the story does not appear to be a whydunnit which i guess is what i assumed so WHAT! IS! THIS! STORY! ABOUT!

oh my God, this is exactly where i tuned in at 15, and other than the backstory about the assault (which went??? nowhere for some reason??), the TB context, and maaaaybe the gay concern, there is. absolutely nothing the story told me in that previous hour and 7 minutes that explains or drives us toward the actual action/plot, which is them deciding to move to hollywood and....i feel like thats relaed to the mom killer plan? this movie literally could have been 45 minutes, is what i’m saying. 60 at most. which like......what would those 45 minutes be ah yes other than the intro/establishing scenes MOSTLY JUST THE DIARY. JUST DO A DAMN DOCUMENTARY CENTERED AROUND THE DIARY AND CONDUCT INTERVIEWS TO GIVE FURTHER CONTEXT,, PETER JACKSON! YOU HAD TO DO THE INTERVIEWS FOR THIS ANYWAY AND YOU KNEW HOW TO MAKE A DOCUMENTARY AT THE TIME! WHAT THE FUCK!

also again im sure there was a REASON, if not a good one, that the girl’s grades slipped and so they felt threatened and decided to run off to hollywood but to avoid suspicion sucked up to their parents, but since WE ARE NEVER TOLD WHAT THAT REASON IS it’s just like.......why go through the effort to steal all the stuff and run off to hollywood NOW when u could just suck up and fake it until they graduate? like we’re told their grades are failing and that they think theyre smarter and more important than everyone else, but we never see them venting to each other about that or lamenting how they think its a trial to think about english class when all they wanna do is think about fantasy world instead. CHARACTERIZATION! RISING ACTION! ANYTHING!

oh my God, why is the juliet’s mom is a slut “subplot” back. how is this RELEVANT.

I feel like i’m supposed to be horrified by juliet’s preoccupation with the macabre but its like a of all ive met a goth person before b of all it makes sense given how shes literally been in hospitals all alone at lengths of a time that shed romanticize it c) see point a but specifically: she kinda just talks like Katya.

HOW IS THIS THE FIRST TIME WE’RE SEEING HENRY/JULIETS DAD HAVING ISSUES AT HIS JOB WHEN ITS THE DRIVING FORCE THREATENING TO TAKE JULIET AWAY, PRESUMABLY? WHAT WAS THE POINT IN INTRODUCING ALL OF THOSE OTHER THREATS ABOUT SEPARATING THEM PURPOSEFULLY EVEN LIVING IN THE SAME PLACE THAT WAS TRULY NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED BY ANYONE AGAIN WHATSOEVER? JUST TO DO SOME COMMENTARY ON LESOPHOBIA THAT I CANNOT FATHOM THE INTENTION OF? THATS THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF AND IM NOT EVEN CONFIDENT ABOUT IT BC WTF IS GOING ON. I never got why people were swearing The Hobbit movies were bad when they claimed the LOTR ones were cinematic genius but the thought of the director of THIS movie having to decide what to split and change into two whole movies with new plot elements..........Godspeed, you poor,poor nerds.

look, i dont want to be heartless while this man who is a real person is openly weeping about losing his job while his wife is cheating on him in the next room and his only child is shortly going to murder someone. that being said. the introduction of this element of the story is so ridiculously random and shoehorned that it literally FEELS LIKE the point in a documentary where a new context is introduced to events we already know about. like i not only WANT multiple peoples interpretations of how he experienced this and how it impacted later events, i literally FEEL LIKE the talking head section is gonna switch heads in a second and some lady who knew him from church is gonna say something like “he seemed....different after that” or whatever. i have gone from wanting this to be a documentary to just plain stymied that it isn’t. WHO IS LAURIE? IS HE A BOARDER? I think so. WHY DOES SHE NEED TO STILL BE IIN THE BATHTUBE TO FINISH WHAT SHES WRITING? she doesn’t have a look or anything that conveys “oh shit i took my notebook into the bath with me to get this thought down but i lost track of time and i haven’t washed my hair yet”

also with all this sexuality stuff is no one worried shes in their masturbating?

also-also NOW people are worried about the length of baths??? after SHE TOOK A BATH WITH JULIET AT THE HULMES??? we also still don’t know fucking why pauline is losing wait or if its related to her mental health or even her emotions towards the thing happening outside of the consequence of her not being well enough by her moms approximation also for a movie thats supposed to show like the Real Story of who these girls really were, this animosity towards her mother seems to be coming from fucking NOWHERE, and it doesn’t help that she has had on FULL HORROR MOVIE CREEPY CHILD TERRIFYING STEWING SCOWL the whole movie, so there’s no slow shift from relatable teenage annoyance and hyberbolic “i could kill you!” feelings to legit murder feelings. like a diary entry that was just “mom was being annoying again and so i rang deborah becausei simply had to ltell someone who would listen with a sympathetic ear. i really hate my mom” doesn’t have any kind of build to that last sentence, or casual teenage cadence because its in front of more diary entries about being mad at the mom. it is literally just. full angry ghost child face being read in a way where YOU CAN HEAR. THE CAPITAL LETTERS. THROUGH GRITTED TEETH. like. where is this coming from?? and if the movie doesn’t know, why isn’t the horror based in how you can’t know where its coming from, sometimes theyre sweet and sometimes tehy aren’t?? i just realized the getting up early to do all the chores thing went. absolutely nowhere. they didnt run off for hollywood the next day, they didn’t talk about it again, nd pauline specifically mentioned acting cheerful, which she has clearly given up here since improved/cheery disposition is one of the things her mom tells her she needs before shell be allowed to go to the event she wants to go to at the end of the week. like WHY ARE THINGS HAPPENING? what is ANYONE’S motivation about ANYTHING? what does this have to do with matricide?????

[batsysims]

didnt wanna do an actual Simself Edit™ so have an arrested development reference

anyways

i was tagged by @0cherub & i tag any1 who hasnt done this yet bc who doesnt like answering 125 questions abt themselves oh also @flavortowne im forcing you to do this sry

get to know me tag

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

3. BIRTHDAY? september 15

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES?  what?? are books

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye both

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? ummmm idk lmfao i havent “read” a “book”” in like 5 years 

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? 35 & 36 on sirius are like basically the exact same station but that doesnt mean i dont constantly alternate between the two whenever im near a radio

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? pink is a v trustworthy flavor

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? *owen wilson voice* wrow

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? what kinda question is this wt f ive currently reobsessed myself w marina and the diamonds so honestly any of her discography

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? idk any words :^/ sry

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? wheels on the bus im exhausted

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? man in the high castle. man in the high castle. man in the high ca

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? clerks al;dksfjf

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? almost exclusively sims and fallout but every once in a while some indie game i find on steam so. yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? never doing anything in my life and having nothing 2 look forward to!! yay

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? probably my resiliency, maybe?? idk

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my habit of allowing bad things to happen to me lol

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? cats but im sorta kinda indifferent 2 both i think i might 1 of the 5 ppl on earth who dont like having pets

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer and fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yea

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? not being lazy lmfao

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? @flavortowne eye emoji

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? its natural brown but im thinkn abt going either red or blonde again

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? like 3 ppl irl and everyone on discord u guys legit

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my person and @flavortowne eye emoji

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? tom hardy. what is his end goal

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? tbh going 2 basic lmfao im!! lame

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? as of right now,, spiderverse lol

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? teletubbies was fckn legit and so was old school spongebob

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my person

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? im not superstitious,,, but i am a little stitious

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? i cant deal w fishing poles idk

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? in front babey

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims or stitching play foods 4 the kid to use on her play kitchen

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? stop asking book questions

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? spiderverse yeye

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? piano & i try 2 pretend i know what im doing w a ukulele

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? stingrays :^)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? legit all my mutuals

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? i had an oc that could read ppls memories like a scrapbook if he touched them and i always honestly thought that was. cool

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my house!! the door b locked bitch!!!!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? toddler being an idiot toddler

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY?  its not really,, a sport,, but i bike

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda in those glass bottles is top tier non-alcoholic beverage

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? i wrote a letter 2 my person telling him he was an idiot and by the time it was mailed 2 his house i was already living there lol

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? either ppl blowing vape in my face or holding something so close to my face i cant see i just go ballistic

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nope unless u count a sesame street liveshow like 10 years ago

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? nope!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cop lmfao

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? this is horrible but the setting of new vegas i just feel like id be at home there, w the radiation and constant danger and dehydration

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? the kid

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? only when im looking in the mirror adlkfj start thinkn abt a different face showing up instead of mine idk

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yea

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? skipped a whole year adlfkj

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? this is basic but i miss the tri-state area

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? this is basic but i miss nj

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yea :^/ a dog, a cat, and uhhhh 14 fish

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but honestly im just always tired

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsettttt

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? i do

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones. they just work

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah but i need em

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? i listen to everything tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? michael cera

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? i used to read them religiously but not so much any more. i am reading the TAZ graphic novel tho

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? having to repeat myself 20 times. or being an idiot when i wanna start a new hobby

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? idk how to read

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? honestly i had a blast in econ and my law enforcement class

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? a bro, another sibling, and a half-bro

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food lmfao

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? every time i measure myself im 5′2″ but the government insists that i am 5′3″ so w/e

75. CAN YOU COOK? yeap

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? alcohol, bike riding, wearing stupid makeup

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? ppl holding me back, bird box, when my nail breaks before i can file it so its all oglee

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uh idk?? i dont have,, many,,,, friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? bi

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? sc :’^(

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my brother

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 nights ago the kid pistol whipped me in the chin w her phone and it just hurt so bad it legit made me lose it

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? ok this is dumb as shit the kid is obsessed w Blippi and i have a mom crush on him afdslfkjs

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? ye

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? i am currently obsessed w L.O.L. Surprise! Pop but all in all probs Pocket Camp

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? bad as parents but theyre fine now that im an adult and they have a grandkid they can like

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? i dont like a majority of them lmfao but idk maybe uh?? irish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? rly wanna go to nevada but im moving to the mojave soon anyways so

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 15

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? i was raised christian but i dont rly give a shit abt any of that

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? outer space my dood the ocean is dumb and scary

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im jus livin my life

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? i mean. im lactose intolerant but thats abt it

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? no

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when im wrong abt something

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest ig bad choices

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? i dont think i was ever given advice, ever. maybe thats why im like this

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? idk i try not 2 lie unless its like. an obvious exaggeration for the lols

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? wtf idk ok i just did one of those quizzes & im a slytherin?? what does that mean

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? yeah

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? more of an introvert but im ok w going out there if i gotta

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? i keep one for the kid but thats abt it

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? nah. unless it was something stupid like burning food like im not gonna ban u from the kitchen

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? if theres an id i guess mail it 2 the address on there?? idk ive never just. found a wallet. i think this happens a lot less than all the hypotheticals make it out to be

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? if theyre dedicated to it. i dont think ppl can just do it over night and i dont think its ever a 100% change

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? dont touch me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yep

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 2 in both ears but thats it

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? spidr...mna

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? no :^( once im cleared for them tho deffo

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? i hate that this is the answer but enlisting adlfkjs

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yeah ig??

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? 2 late

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? we all b stupit

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? idk?? i get embarrassed but also get over it quick so like. idk

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? yea

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black & red

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? mhm

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? i was on nickelodeon back when they had those cuts to the Live Studio Audience™

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i almost never eat anything sweet

[comicteaparty]

December 27th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on December 27th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on Inhibit by Eve Greenwood / evegwood.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Inhibit by Eve Greenwood / evegwood~! (http://www.inhibitcomic.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

there are many great scenes, but i am particularly fond of victor in the parking garage. specifically, i enjoy the unfolding of events once masha joins the party. i love the fact that victor freezes up and just flat out doesnt know what to do. not only does this fit with his character, but i actually think its refreshing for a protagonist with powers to still just be a regular person deep down who does not have the required training to deal with that sort of situation. not to mention i love seeing paulina's powers in action

spire

Agreed! The garage is one of my favorites too. I love how Paulina is breaking rules left and right- not just laws (lol) but all the concepts that have been established so far about how powers are supposed to work. I really want to figure out what's going on(edited)

RebelVampire

or is she breaking laws? as in the powers. obviously shes breaking the other sorts of laws like dont set ppls property on fire. but i will save theories on the powers for a bit later. i do enjoy that she throws a wrench already into what's established. tho i felt bad for victor that nobody is listening to him.

another scene ive been enjoying is the current flashback where victor is a bouncy child. mostly because i love how excited about everything victor is. like wanting explosions just cause its cool. and i think its just this real contrast that builds tension for the narrative since youre like "victor man what happened O_O"

spire

No one listened to him then and no one listens to him now. I would love it if someone took him seriously for once

I would also love it it someone let him REST

RebelVampire

yeah my heart really hurts for him. because ive been in that position of sitting there constantly trying to tell someone something and then being ignored.

although i really think ppl need to learn moderation in regards to their expectations for victor most of all

cause it seems like ppl either 1) expect nothing from victor and think hes a loser or 2) pull a nate and expect victor to auto be this extremely capable person despite not having trained for anything in years

Superjustinbros

*jumps in

Hello~!

RebelVampire

hey super!

Superjustinbros

Hey Rebel!

Pleased to be here~

spire

Hello~

Superjustinbros

And hello to you too, Spire!

RebelVampire

another scene that i enjoy was when julia, david, and victor snuck back in to the building to eavesdrop. on a technical level i liked the writing for it because it was a scene that moved the plot along but also served to show off the relationship dynamics that exist between those specific characters. so as a narrative construct everything in that scene felt like it had purpose to one end or the other.

Superjustinbros

I just want to say, the faces in this comic are incredible.

http://www.inhibitcomic.com/comics/2658763/chapter-5-pg-11/ Especially this one on the bottom right

And then they play bloody Laser Tag

RebelVampire

yeah the faces on the kid are really some fantastic exaggerations

Superjustinbros

Oh yes

RebelVampire

but suits them cause theyre kids

Superjustinbros

There's lots of fun to be had with giving characters over the top faces.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. Victor has been shown to be a drastically different person than he was in his youth. What is the past incident that several characters bring up that apparently resulted in a trial and inevitably got Victor kicked out of Urquhart? What does it have to do with Masha, and do you think Julia was involved somehow considering she’s also at Earl Estate? Is it the reason Nate and Victor’s relationship soured as well? Do you believe the incident is what changed Victor so much, or is it several aspects of his life? Do you think any of this has something to do with why Victor has failed to improve at Earl Estate? Also, why do you believe Victor’s inhibitors are now failing him so badly? Lastly, do you believe his missions with Nate will have an effect on Victor’s personality? How so?

Superjustinbros

tfw it's already time to answer question 2

I'll stop posting these to the chat now

RebelVampire

well considering adult victor has some issue controlling his powers when hes emotional, im gonna assume something of that nature happened. potentially maybe to that bully who keeps picking on young masha. cause i feel like victor is gonna stand up to them or attempt to and get mad and then accidentally severely injure them or something. idk about julia being involved

tho looking back it looks like she has all her fingers as a child

Superjustinbros

That seems like a very good interpretation.

Considering he does shoot out electricity at impractical times, at least from what I've seen(edited)

RebelVampire

as for nate and victor's relationship souring, i think theres more at work than just this incident. i kind of get the impression that nate just kind of likes taking things out on victor even when everything has nothing to do with victor. but i think basically all this crap combined to shake victor's confidence and that's a large reason hes not improving. cause he just has no reason to be confident anymore.

spire

I think Vic's self worth has been raised into a precarious position thanks to being a gifted (in this case- super powered) child, and with how much his spark-outs are emphasized through the whole comic, something terrible must have happened with a spark and that lack of control was touted against him, which makes it near impossible to repair his self esteem

RebelVampire

yes definitely all that. cause i feel by and large that victor has just given up on himself. which tbf i dont blame him cause literally nobody is doing anything to help really. like theres not a truly positive influence. although to nate's credit i guess he's trying? just ya know, in a super bad way

spire

Lol yeah. That's a good way to put it

Nate is helping but in the worst way. Vic needs some genuine, earnest support

As for Julia, I suspect she gave herself frostbite? Noor is very strict about Julia forming ice around her limbs, and she must have been moved to Earl for a similar outburst of her own powers

RebelVampire

tbh i think julia has more control of her powers. from the impression i get anyway. i kind of think julia is just reckless and doesnt think her actions through. though i mean might of been an outburst too. i could really go either way. and maybe its both.

though frostbite is way more tame than what i was thinking happened XD

i was picturing more encasing an ice and then shattering said ice

frostbite sounds more reasonable and less horrific

spire

Omg

Julia just thought one day that it would be cool to be a snowman

She didn't consider the fact that she can't move. Once she becomes the snow man ️

RebelVampire

that sounds like something shed do. even now cause i dont feel shes anymore responsible than she was as a kid

which ya know narratively speaking is kind of a good contrast with victor in a way

spire

Yeah

RebelVampire

cause victor has no control of his powers but has a sort of reserved control of himself. whereas julia has control of her powers but is an explosion of bad decisions waiting to happen

spire

I love that about them. Despite Julia's recklessness I think it's good for Vic to not be sitting alone in his room 24/7

RebelVampire

idk i agree and disagree. its good for him to get out and socialize, but im not sure the ppl around him are well-suited to kind of give him teh space he needs.

tho tbf im not sure the estate is the healithiest place in general

it kind of feels like prison

QUESTION 3. Victor’s life changes a lot when he’s forced to join Nate’s team. Why do you think Nate is so vehement about having Victor as a temporary member on his team? Is he honestly just trying to help Victor, or is there is some other hidden reason? What did you think the way the retrievals were handled says about the world and its view on Variants? How might the first mission change Victor’s perspective on Variants and how they’re treated (if at all)? How will it affect how Victor deals with other team missions and/or the course of the story? Lastly, do you believe that Victor will be able to makes amends and bond with the team, or will he continue to be chastised and treated somewhat lesser?

spire

The way that variants are trained at places like Urq and Miller to almost solely police their own community is disturbing. Vic wants no part of it and it's perfectly understandable

Variants are monitored so closely through their whole lives. it's invasive.

RebelVampire

yeah. and i mean...theres a degree i want to be understanding. i would not want untrained variants just walking around causing accidents and such. cause theyve shown that their powers can be damaging not just to others but themselves and also all the property around them. so i can understand that variants kind of need a special thing going on for everyone's protection

but man do those places feel like prison

like when you cant even let someone's mom see their kid off

thats a bad sign

spire

In that kind of environment a variant is pressured to do whatever they can to appear trustworthy. Even if Nate is trying to help Vic out I think he's ultimately trying to make himself look better by helping Vic succeed

RebelVampire

that could be although i feel theres easier ways then making under the table secret deals. tho tbh i think theres a mix going on here. like i think nate does want to help victor and wants to see him succeed. but i also feel like nate isnt altruistic either. more like he wants to help victor cause he feels like victor is his one failure that he cant leave to continue to be a failure just for the sake of his own pride.

Superjustinbros

“I think he's ultimately trying to make himself look better by helping Vic succeed”

This thought caught my eyes

RebelVampire

although it could also be that nate sees something of himself reflected in victor. cause nate did freak out when masha wasnt just flat out listening to his captain's orders. and i kind of feel that reflects his own feelings of being unsure of himself

Superjustinbros

Perhaps

RebelVampire

but i kind of wonder if theres an issue of dormancy at play in all this? cause if nate feels like he's losing his powers and position soon, that could be a prime motivator in whatever he feels hes got to do

like hes running out of his chance to do that one super awesome thing that immortalizes him in history

spire

Ooooooooo that's a very interesting thought

Reminiscent of thinkin you need to be ultra successful by the time you're 30

I hadn't thought of nates motivation that way before :0

RebelVampire

yeah and this is kind of an extreme case of needing to be successful by 30. cause in this case its kind of true in a way. since im sure if youre a variant the powers are kind of part of who you are. but by 30 you lose that and essentially have to redefine who you are as a person. and i think thats more true with the way their system is set up since their glorified prisons are so life encompassing.

spire

Yeah. That's got to be terrifying, knowing your whole identity is going to disappear one day, one day SOON

RebelVampire

yes. or so were led to believe. cause tbf i got sinister vibes from that scene with the doctor checking young victor for dormancy. so maybe all we know is a lie and dormancy is not a natural process but something forced upon variants.

spire

OOOOOOOOHH

Terrifying if tru

Superjustinbros

Yeah that scene creeped me out a bit

and it just came out of nowhere

RebelVampire

cause i agree with young victor. why are you checking a kid for dormancy if you know the typical ages for dormancy

and i feel that line is there for a reason

spire

I wonder if he's still wondering that now, 9 years later?

And I hope he is

RebelVampire

maybe hell remember it

Superjustinbros

Exactly, Rebel. (about the dormacy part)(edited)

RebelVampire

cause to tie in the 2nd part of that question, i def think victor is on the path to see the injustice in how variants are treated

those facial expressions in the van were already on the extreme i feel sorry for these people side

QUESTION 4. Inadvertently, Victor becomes involved with a dangerous arsonist named Paulina. What do you think Paulina’s powers are? Is she a pyro as many believe, or is there something funky going on with her powers like Victor believes? Why do you believe Paulina attacked Miller, and why do you think she’s so desperately looking for Chalice? Where do you think Paulina even came from given she isn’t declaring any facility as her origin? Why, of all people, do you think Paulina went to Victor specifically for help? Given Victor gets Julia involved, how might the residents of Earl Estate affect Victor helping Paulina or not? In general, do you believe Victor will help Paulina or not, and how will this choice affect the rest of the story?

Superjustinbros

I'm going to say maybe she has multiple powers versus most of the other characters that only have one

spire

That's what I was thinking too

Superjustinbros

I mean she really is mysterious, since her profile is still //||?⁄⁄/⁄\ | on the site

RebelVampire

idk. i mean its certainly possible. but im also willing to think that she has one power that doesnt fit any of the predefined powers the world established. so like shes a new variant type. or that she knows how to use her pyro powers in a way that nobody thought possible

but multiple powers is still possible

im just more willing to error on the side of it still fitting in with established laws and we just dont get the full picture yet

Superjustinbros

maybe like dark/gravity powers, or some power that's otherwise considered taboo?

spire

I think ultimately Vic's going to be looking for some truth and working with Pauli will appear? To get him some answers

Superjustinbros

Considering het background is nothing like the others

And yeah, maybe that ends up happening

http://inhibit.smackjeeves.com/files/what.png I mean can anyone translate this(edited)

RebelVampire

no but its probably just for the purposes of making her mysterious

and wont change to not give new readers spoilers XD

spire

Yes I believe that's simply to keep it mysterious for new readers

Superjustinbros

Yeah

RebelVampire

i think victor will def help paulina, although im not sure i get the impression paulina is gonna inspire victor to look for truth persay. though if she gets him to chalice, i think chalice will make him question stuff.

Superjustinbros

Maybe, just maybe.(edited)

RebelVampire

i kind of get the impression that paulina didnt come from any facility but instead has been living and training outside the system. cause we dont really know the process by which the facilities collect variants in the first place. like obviously we see victor's mom bring victor. but like...was it the law? was it under threat hed be taken anyway? how did ppl know?(edited)

and without knowing these things i can think of a lot of reasons paulina just skirted by the system

Superjustinbros

Definitely could be something outside the system, since it's still a mystery

spire

I'm wondering if the only reason Pauli chased Vic down to Earl is because she has blackmail to make him help her find chalice. If she asked anyone else she's obvs get turned in to the police or taken home?? Wherever that is???

Well, I guess it's not really black mail. So I don't really know

RebelVampire

maybe paulina just picked him cause hes the only variant she knows now who didnt immediately try to arrest her

and tbf

victor is a good choice cause he would seem easy to intimidate into doing what you want him to do

spire

TRUE LMAO

RebelVampire

tho i couldnt fathom why she wants to find chalice. i mean the assumption is she wants their help. but maybe she super hates them and chalice is corrupt and bad. and that there is no good in this world. or something depressing like that.

Superjustinbros

lmao

Plus he's the protagonist

RebelVampire

paulina got super meta and said "hey victor you feel like a protagonist. you can probably help"

XD

Superjustinbros

XD

Protagonist Syndrome in a nutshell

RebelVampire

that makes me feel bad for victor. victor seems like the last person whod ever want to be a protagonist

just wants to sleep in his room instead

spire

Hashtag relatable tbh

Superjustinbros

Yes

RebelVampire

since we only have 4 mins left, are there any final thoughts to share?

Superjustinbros

I'd love to do the same lol

I want to say this has been a great read so far, it's got great characters, lots of emotion, and lots of charm.

(And lots of good expressions)

Good luck with the comic, Eve, it's really going strongly so far.

spire

I think inhibit really nails what it feels like to be pinned by the expectations put on you by all levels of society, but still allowing itself to breathe and be funny and so human

RebelVampire

i think inhibit is a great story with memorable personalities. but most of all it has a relateable protagonist whose inner demons can speak to most ppl, and watching his journey is definitely probably something that will inspire hope

unless victor dies

then no hope

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Eve Greenwood / evegwood, as well, for making Inhibit. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://www.inhibitcomic.com/

Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/evegwood

Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/evegwood

Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s Paypal Donation Link: https://www.paypal.me/evegwood

Eve Greenwood / evegwood’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/evegwood

Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Princess Pups by Lindsay Hornsby. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, January 3rd, from 5PM to 7PM PST for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: https://tapas.io/series/Princess-Pups

[srlkiller]

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

[holdup-andrememberthetime]

Soooo tumblr has kinda become my mental health outlet to just let my overpowering thoughts run free, so feel free to keep scrolling, this is just another pointless vent (pointless to everyone else... but extremely theraputic to me). I’ll also do ny best to burry this on my blog with a bunch of other rbs. Also warning the below probably wont have paragraph breaks because im literally just rambling whatever thoughts pop up.

Anyways

So where I live we are kinda in another lockdown (i say kinda because the fuckin laws are soo loose. Like it says to stay home unless your going to things essential work, medical reasons/appointments, groceries, and excersise. And literally most people are not following it, my moms office is working from home but their warehouse staff is still working in the warehouse.... its a fabric distributor, absolutely not essential) and im going through a sadtimeTM. Idk if my time of month is coming up or if it has to do with covid or something else but my feelings this week have been really strong. Im 25 and i feel like my life is going literally no where. I finished teachers college in spring of 2020 (was in the middle or my final placement in march when the world shit down) and have had to wait 9months for my provincial teaching licence to go through (lots of technical difficulties for some reason) but I finally got that at the start of this month. Ive applied to school boards but now its just a massive waiting game. I literally have nothing going on in my life rn. My typical day consists of colouring a but in my adult colouring book that i was given back in 2016 and only picked up a few weeks ago, watching some netfix, and playing video games. Thats it. Thats my life. I know sounds great but i feel like im wasting away. The rexlaxing period of this has passed and now im just bored and sad. I barely even have any friends to keep me sane. My best friend since literally birth (we are not biologically or legally related by any means but hes my brother... throughout highschool our friends always tried to push us together romantically and ...eew.) moved to china anfew years ago, so yeah i still talk to him and i know hes there if i need him but the time differneces are hard and its really not the same as him being here. He used to just come iver and hang out. Like literally we would just exist in the same room together doing our own things. It really gives you a specific level of comfort and support that i cant get with him literally on the ither sode of the world. And my other best friend from childhood: i talk to her a lot but she has a full time job in the government and a boyfriend of like 3 years and shes just set. And shes super outgoing and social (i am not.) so going to her with this i wont get emotional support, it will just be like “just do things!” And im like its not that simple? Also she has this very specific view of life and is becoming really down about being 25 because “we wont be able to just live our lives and have fun for much longer” like?? Age is just a number? But she dosnt see that. And yeah anyways. Both my best friends have lives, even theough this pandemic. And i have nothing. Before this second shut down i was working as a horse riding instructor and training our baby horses about 6 hours wach week. Now because of the shut down my dad isnt letting me ride. Because “by law” we are not alowed. But technically i wouldnt be doing lessons, id be just exercising our horses, on one else around. But “going out is against the law” and i cant break the “law” even though literally no one is following the other people that i train horses with are still riding. And it just feels i need ONE THING in my life and if i had riding it would be IT. But i cant ride. Going back to listing friends, i have another really good family friend who i talk to quite a bit, we play games together several times a week, but he’s now on the other side of the country from me (as of last month) with a 3h time difference. Hes 7 years younger than me and graduated high school last spring. He move out west to try living alone and to get away from him parents a bit. Im so happy for him but i think im really jelous of him. Hes already done more with his life than i have. Hes out there being his own person, theres this girl hes talking to that hes really interested in and it sounds like she likes him too so thats super exciting and i cant wait to see their relationship grow! To be cont.

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[iphoenixrising]

Window Seat

My soulmate @satire-please deserves all the love, so a bit more little Timmy with the Bats from here.

 **

The house is always quiet. Even when his mom and dad were home or Mrs. Mac was in the kitchen when he got home from school, the upstairs is always silent, like the museums where his parents donate what they find on digs. He thinks it’s always been like that.

No one ever goes to the upstairs attic, though. The dust is thick and settled, its’ own niche in Drake Manor. There’s one window to look out the back yard and off into the sea (and if you looked really, really hard, you could almost see Wayne Manor up on the bluffs, a dark silhouette in the dawn). The nights he didn’t go out into Gotham with his camera, he usually wound up here, squeezed into the non-existent seat to watch for the headlights of the large, black car that was unmistakable even in full dark.

And tonight, a few days after Robin saved him from a bad fall, and the extraordinary turn of events that put him in their direct path rather than an outsider that just knew their secret, he’s still waiting. At the time, he grudgingly turned over the box of photographs when Robin (Jason) and Nightwing (Dick) brought him home. They were working a hard case and would be gone for a few days, so he did what he was probably expected to do: promised to go to school and stay out of trouble.

He hasn’t gone out into Gotham, and hasn’t heard or bothered them since.  Which…is okay. It’s not a problem for him. He’s used to these kinds of things. Promises from grownups that never come to fruition. Coming home for his birthday. Taking him with them during Christmas break. Being there for the Science Fair.

Sometimes expectations fail. Sometimes you need another plan. Sometimes other things have to take precedent. All the real world truths.

So, it’s really okay. He gets it.

The vigilantes didn’t expect a kid to figure them out, not when they’ve got the whole world fooled. It makes sense they would want to give him something to look forward to, a “reward” for keeping quiet about their secret identities. (And it isn’t like he doesn’t realize how dangerous it is to know, how many of Batman’s enemies would come looking for him just to get the secret, how dangerous he is to them now just because he was too smart for his own good. He’s…he’s a liability.)

By the second night with no word, he’s convinced himself the whole thing is going to amount to checking in on him quarterly to make sure he keeps out of trouble, doesn’t call any attention to himself or them. It’s the adult thing to do. So, he’s going to give it a few weeks, wait until they’ve all but forgotten, and go back to his old haunts. He’ll have to be more careful they don’t catch him so he can’t slip up and accidentally almost kill himself again.

It’ll be fine. He’s got darker clothes to stay closer to the shadows and has been tinkering around with a shooting grapple gun like Robin used. He thinks he might have figured it out, but testing is really going to be the problem.

And…and it is fine (it’s disappointing but inevitable). They didn’t need some kid hanging around when they had criminals to stop and a city to save.

He’s sleepily convinced himself it was all for the best, he already had the one chance to live the life and shouldn’t be too greedy because the reality is nothing but trouble could come from stepping into their world. He could get hurt or die, he could get them hurt if he got caught and they had to come save him. Or they would finally get tired of dealing with him, his endless questions and terrible hand/eye coordination, his fanboy awe and clumsy stumbles, the odd moments when he can fit in the most awkward spaces to hide (like right now).

Eventually…it be the same as with his mom and dad. They’d just start leaving.

Tim sighs and forces himself to be reasonable because of course it’s better this way. Nothing would change (it’s okay, it could be worse). Besides, it was better than never coming back.

Right?

When the rumbling goes by the house, goes further, deeper into the woods, toward the only other home, he can let his eyes slide closed, glad they made it back from another night, and let himself drift off a little. No school tomorrow, no Mrs. Mac, no reason to get up early and make an appearance.

He’d probably read more on the coding manual he’d picked up from the library, ride his bike into the city for pizza and to hang out with Ives, then come back home before his curfew. He would wait it out a few weeks and then jump back to old habits, keeping out of their way, and staying in the shadows. Life would just—

Go on.

The world gets fuzzy and soft and dark, and even with the minor ache in his neck and back from the odd angle, even in the quiet upstairs, even though he knows it’s too cold to be sleeping up here, the dream starts out anyway…

“—glad we found him, Big Wing.” That’s…that’s Jason, isn’t it? (Jason, here? Nah)

“I wonder how long he’s been up here all alone?”

(It has to be a dream because they came looking for him…)

“Musta been a while. He’s freezin’.” The dream hand is warm on his forehead, so nice, not enough to make him want to come to reality, so he just snuffles against his arm and hums, not trying to swim to the surface of awake, not yet.

“Okay, okay. Not leaving Timmy by himself at night anymore. Check.” Dick sighs, his breath a puff in the cold, and cranes his neck to eye the configuration the kid squeezed through to get to the wide window ledge.

“B’s gonna talk ta his folks when they make it back ta town anyhow.” And Jason shakes his head, burrowing a little deeper in his jacket with bare face (doms keep the eyes warm, you feel him?). “Kid his age shouldn’t be left alone anyhow.”

“Nope, just circus brats and street kids, right Little Wing?” Dick glances over at his replacement with a wide grin (and if B is serious about keeping Timmy now that the business with Two-Face is over, he’s going to have to come around more to help corral two younger brothers).

“Yeah, some a’ us can take care of business, Dick. This kid? He don’t need ta be in a house alone like this. Ain’t right.” The current Robin just frowns at the small silhouette, eyebrows drawing together.

“Alfred has his room ready, so at least he’ll have somewhere warm with a window. How did he even get in there?” And Dick? Is an acrobat and this configuration is making him flinch.

But Jay just smirks back, “Wiry little shit, apparently. Already fittin’ in.”

“Apparently. Let’s get him out of there, shall we Robin?”

And he huffs drowsily, swimming in and out of consciousness, the lack of sleep in the last few days making him sink further down where the voices are muffled, muted.

He might make some grunting sound when dream hands lift his heavy limbs, weightlessness like this a foreign concept, but it’s not like dreams where you step down abruptly and jar awake. It’s warm and smells like leather, Kevlar, and musk. And his brain gives him what he wants in the dream, soft cotton to fist his hands into without having to do anything more than sigh.

“Poor little guy is tuckered out. We shouldn’t have left him so long. It doesn’t look like he’s been sleeping.”

The transition is down, steps, his blurry mind supplies.

“He chases us through Gotham, yeah? Sleep probably ain’t even in his vocabulary.”

“He’s so small, Little Wing. He needs to sleep.”

“He needs goddamned parents, Dickie.”

“It’s okay,” is breathed against his hair, “he has us now.”

“Sure, sure. Lotta grown ass men what dress up in tights n’ masks. Normal as they come.”

“Hey! It’s not a bad life, you know. I turned out just fine, thank-you very much.”

A grunt in reply and something warm tucked around him before the air shifts and it’s cold, making his small body tighten again, start to swim a little closer to consciousness. But he’s snuggled higher, closer to strength and warmth.

(All the good things)

“Ah. I see you two have managed to ferret out the missing Master then?”

“Shoulda seen ‘im, Alf. Alla way up in the attic window.”

“You have a similar propensity for small spaces, Master Jason. Master Dick as well if memory serves. Very high, small spaces to be precise.”

“Not my fault there’s so many in the Manor, Alfred. Those are the perfect places to explore.”

“Hm,” the car doors close as Alfred Pennyworth shuts his young charges in (three now, not including you, Master Bruce. He is not getting any younger, you understand?) and moves to the driver’s side through the chill.

Master Jason and Master Dick continue a quiet conversation while the child sleeps on and the dark forests pass them by. Alfred inputs when necessary with the usual plans on the next few nights of patrol ahead of them sans the Batman, and it does the butler’s heart good to see them finally getting along. Just as he told the worrywart that is his eldest charge, the two needed time to find their own way. Time and exposure, more appropriately.

As Alfred is well aware, the life his family leads, one of the night, one of pain and bruises and burns, one of trauma after trauma with only the strength of will and people in need to drive them, it required a certain amount of humanity to maintain. The strength of their bonds, to lean on one another in times of need, had been the hardest lesson for Master Bruce to learn as the Batman,, and one he would daresay he failed to pass it down to his sons. Fortunately, when a certain little robin that lost something so precious so young, the lesson for Master Bruce had begun and would continue for a second so in need, he would take on any fight just to survive, and would, of course, extend to the small one they are carrying up the staircase of Wayne Manor as he sleeps the sleep of the innocent.

Alfred and Master Dick take his shoes off and manage pajama bottoms, tucking the little boy in with care.

Only once did he wake up slightly, blinking fuzzily without move his heavy head from the pillow.

“This is such a nice dream, Mr. Alfred.”

A gentle hand to his head, smoothing down his too long hair, “go back to sleep, Young Sir. We shall be here when you wake in the morning.”

And Timmy hums again, smiling, snuggling down into the comfortable mattress and pillow. He’s fine sleeping until morning, to keep the dream for as long as he can (and maybe….maybe it would be okay to just not have to wake up).

[one-more-for-the-sky]

[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to  be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis: Dear Diary: why?

[Specific-Summary]:  They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking, 

[Tags/mood:] highschool au,  fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17)

(Note: Please check the general warnings and character list before continuing since some changes have been made and I don’t want to throw you off later on) 

Roman slung the scarf across his shoulders, “You think I should pack this?” he said, striking a pose, “You think it’s gonna be too hot for summer or?”

“You do look good in red...” Dmitri glanced up from his laptop, still typing, “And it’s better than your fifteen--separately bought-- white jeans.”

Roman flung a trench coat at his face. “Glass-fuckin houses babe, half your closet is black and boring--plus I like the white, ” he protested, “And don’t you think the red will be a bit too much with my hair?” he untucked his curls from underneath the scarf, smoothing the sides.

Dmitri laughed, “You’re the definition of a bit too much, Ro,” he said, “But if it means anything the reds been fading for a while now,”

“Wait really?” Roman picked up a hand mirror, angling it with a frown, “Dammit,” he said, “Virgil might still have some bleach left over, but I don’t want to kill my curl pattern like he did…”

“Then don’t redye it,” Dmitri shrugged, “You’ll look good regardless.”

Roman fluffed his hair, pouting in the mirror, “How good?”

Dmitri rolled his eyes, “Fishing early I see,” he said, pausing his typing to take a better look, “The red hair nice, but the brown will soften your features since there ’ll be less contrast.”

“I’dunno if I want to ‘soften my features though...It’d look cute, but...maybe if I cut my hair?” Roman tugged the scarf off, “.…people would take me more seriously.”

“Now why would you…” Dmitri paused, setting his laptop aside nodding, “Come over here, let me take a closer look.”

Roman eyed him warily.

“C’mon now, I’ve been dating you for what? A little over a year, Have a little faith,” Dmitri defended, “I’m not a snake tricking you into sinning,”

Roman crossed his arms, eyeing him up and down, “You’ve done it before--remember?”

“Oh that was fun and you know it, now c’ mere,” He offered a hand.

“It was,” Roman sighed, relenting and taking his hand. Dmitri tugged him to his knees, Roman making panicked noises as they bumped foreheads and he used Dmitri’s shoulders to steady himself, “Close enough?”

Dmitri tilted his head, “A bit closer.”

“Closer?” Roman’s lips barely brushed his.

“There we go--would you look at that,” Dmitri murmured, “A handsome prince if I’ve ever seen one…” Roman’s expression softened and Dmitri continued, “Whoever you’re trying to impress would be stupid not to take you seriously, especially with your anal work ethic--mmph,” Dmitri’s hands flew to Roman’s waist only slightly caught off guard as Roman closed the distance. The sloppy kiss eventually dissolved into Roman peppering Dmitri’s face between giggles.

“Either you’re rewarding me or you’re trying to distract...” Dmitri’s joke died off, eyes fluttering as Roman’s attention dipped lower, trailing his jaw, “Oh that’s...that’s nice…Your brother out?”

“Mhm,” Roman hummed contemplatively, before pulling back a bit, “ Yeah he is, but...I dunno I’m not really in the mood for that…Sorry..”

“You don’t need to apologize every time you know?” Dmitri leaned into Roman’s chest, feeling Roman’s hands nestle into his hair.

“It’s just so...weird.” He could hear the frown in Roman’s voice, “Is it weird? I’m going to be gone for a while too…Am I being a bad boyfriend?”

“You’re not weird, it's normal.”

“But--” Roman’s voice was quiet, “--- it’s not like you’re not attractive-- but--I dunno-- sometimes actually doing stuff like that is just...ugh I can’t even describe it.”

“The other guys might be horny bastards 24/7, but it’s perfectly normal for you Roman.” Dmitri said, “If you want to kiss we can kiss if you want to cuddle and talk we can do that too.”

“Talk’n’cuddle,” Roman mumbled and Dmitri smiled.

“So how are you feeling about the trip?”

“Oh, I’m absolutely horrified--” Roman easily spun into a rant,” I have to be holed up in that infested dung heap with that odorous rat with only my beautiful tia’s cooking as solace?” He sniffed appalled.

“Huh,” Dmitri snickered, “I’ve never heard that nickname for Virgil.”

“I’m not...talking about Virgil.”

---

R: XXX.notalink/rated:m/dontclickfortheloveofgod/dJDoJi90

Rem: WHAT THE FUCK ROMAN Rem: WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT

L: Why the hell didn’t you read the link first

Rem: WHO THE FUCK READS Rem: GOD NEVER AGAIN

L: I highly doubt it's that bad

L:....I stand corrected

Rem: you clicked the link too didn’t you

L: In the name of science of course

Rem: ROMAN WHY DID YOU SEND THAT

R: ;)

Rem: EXPLAIN YOURSELF

R: ;) XXXX.notalink/rated:m/oopsididitagain/dskfJjfd9dsf3gds

L: That one is more weird than disgusting

Rem: WHY DO YOU KEEP CLICKING ON THEM

L: Why is Roman still sending them?

V: as much as i like smearing my brothers good name that isn’t roman

V: [Roman conked out on the couch, in a sweatshirt and shorts, drool pooling. Jpeg]

Rem: cute photo, 10/10 L: Agreed.

V: god both of you fuckin s t op i t s t o p s t o p

R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/you filthylinkreaders/d3gds789jk

Rem: just bc you have issues with compliments doesn't mean roman does

L:Here we go again I guess...

V; roman doesnt have any fuckin boundaries

Rem: yes, yes he does Rem: they may be thin but he Does have them

V:sorry but he’s way too nice about it

Rem: weve more then established that me calling him cute is okay and i require the sustenance of doting on him okay? Like i get it ive pushed a bit too hard before but like im trying ok???

V: k k I i hit the breaks a bit too soon this 1 time but it’s ducking thin ass ice and I’m not above sending y’all to an icy tomb if you get gross. Roman may be a bastard but he’s still baby

L:Translation: He understands your reasoning and agrees he overreacted, but this won’t stop him from questioning our intents and calling out certain actions. Roman may be okay with joking around with stuff like that and being the center of attenuation, but he’s still self conscious and sensitive.

V:why must you add feelings and adult reasoning to everything

L: How dare you accuse me of having feelings

R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/unicornhornsanddragontails/3nskjJ03 R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/specA-Z/54Kjjf9n R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/asliceofme/fljkl29mfJ

R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/laughsinspanish/5Kjd8

Rem:ye feelings are gross so moving on

Rem: anyway who the fuck is this

V: the bastard

R: you can call me duke [video of Roman, Virgil, and Remus as toddlers, Virgil playing with blocks and listening to some music while in the background Remus follows Roman around.mp3] [image of Roman, Virgil, and Remus currently. jpeg]

V: the bastards name is remus

R: THE. DUKE.

V: FUCK. YOU.

Rem: why the shits have i never met them and why the FUCK does he look more like roman then you do virgil

V: i think it's bc rem doesnt cover up his freckles

V: but yeah my mom and tia had a falling out

R: more like my dad was an asshole

Rem: oh shit same

R: shitty dad squad hmu ;)

Pat: oh hey!!! Me too!!!!

V: yeah it was Not Fun and mom and mama refused to let us go back until tia got a divorce

R: XXXX.notalink/rated:m/deodarant/298jksf

R:XXXX.notalink/rated:m/sPicydeodarant/23kjfJ

L: Are you done yet? They’re getting repetitive at this point.

---

Sun beating on his forehead, Dmitri’s chest was light and airy. His hair was tied up in a high ponytail as he worked on repotting some of his nursery plants. Usually, he’d be listening to music, but his aunt had left early that morning for some appointment so he relished the silence.

Brushing the dirt from his hands, he winced at the fresh cuts lining his knuckles.

“You’re still out here?”

Dmitri almost jumped at Dr. Montag’s voice, “Sorry for the mess” he said, gripping the nursery pot tighter, “I-I’ll clean it up right away…”

Dr. Montag crouched, waving him off, “There’s no need. I’m running a few errands for your aunt,” his hands barely brushing the leaves of one, “This is a Yucca right?”

“Uh,” Dmitri blinked, “Yeah it is,”

He laughed, “Don’t look so surprised-- I know things,” he stood back up, “Like how to use google. It’s rather impressive that y’all manage to keep up with so many of these.”

“Barely,” Dmitri relaxed, refocusing, “We used to have a lot more, but without my dad...it got overwhelming,” he shook his head, “It’s the only thing we really….It keeps us busy..”

“This is more than busy--you put a lot of work into these, anyone should be proud,” He murmured, studying Dmitri again, “I’ll be gone in a few, just need to grab her purse. You need anything from the store?”

“Uh...No,” Dmitri frowned, “I don’t.”

---

LilRed: COLLEGE BOARD CAN SUCK MY ASS LilRed: THIS BITCH GOT A FIVE

BlueRanger: Which class?

LilRed: APUSH

BlueRanger: Nice, good job

LilRed:

LilRed:

PurpleRain: L you fuckin broke him

PurpleRain:like I legit just heard a fuckin thud I think he fell

BlueRanger: I just told him good job?

LilRed: i die from validation i die w/o validation

BlueRanger: Please don’t die

PurpleRain: thats a lame ass way to die

LilRed: @purplebitch i feel so loved

PurpleRain: mama didnt raise us for us to die so b o r i n g l y

LilRed: SO HOW DO YOU SUGGEST I DIE

PurpleRain: idk im feelin,,,,rain,,,,,lots of it,,, maybe you’re watching the sea,,,,

PurpleRain: okay I got it

PurpleRain: you’re wearing a white sundress, the ends tattered but well loved. The coast empty with nly the lapping of waves your company. You’re thinking, a lot. Not of anything particular, but thinking nonetheless. The ocean always makes you think, always makes you remember--bringing about a bittersweet tinge of remorse to your heart, but no tears ever fall.

PurpleRain:You make it a habbit to watch the sunrise each day, relishing in the sobering feelings it invokes Maybe you're a masochist at heart

LilRed:maybe it’s maybelline

PurpleRain:I AM HAVING A MOMENT PRINCEY

PurpleRain: one day, you hear footsteps approach, and assume it's your lover returned from war. The news of it's end just coming days prior and making your ventures to the coast sparked with an unfamilar hopefulness.

PurpleRain: instead when you turn around, you do not feel your heart soar. Instead it sinks. An icy panic spreading through you, a curl of dread closing your throat, it's grip tight. You need to move; to get away from them. But you cant. You cant.

PurpleRain: one shot is all it took.

PurpleRain: one.

BlueRanger:....Concern.

PurpleRain: dnd just started again im prepping ok

LilRed:fuckin nerd

LilRed: huh…. i should get a sundress tho

PurpleRain: i have a few bookmarked ill show you later

BlueRanger: Is That Really What Y’all Are Taking Away From This

---

“And so the shop explodes-no not explodes it's in flames and they have the audacity--the au,” Roman coughs readjusting the webcam, “They have the audacity to play ‘Somebody to love’ as he’s fuckin mourning,” he gestured angrily, “Like Neil might as well come into my house and stomp on my heart.”

Dmitri nodded along, amused at the combination of camera lag and Roman’s erratic movements, “Before or after you watch the next episode?” he asked.

“It’s gonna have to be after cause I already finished the season. I never recovered from that scene though, ” Roman shrugged, tapping his jaw thoughtfully, “Probably should’ve started working on my commission sheet,”

“The same sheet you said you were going to start last month?”

“Yes the same one,” Roman blew out an exasperated huff, flopping into his hands, “I don’t know why it’s so hard --I feel scummy for pricing ‘too high’ and like shit for pricing ‘too lo--,” A notification rang, and he glanced over the screen, eyebrow raised, “Huh, Lo’s callin’ to video chat, you mind if I add’em?”

“Nah, go ahead,” Dmitri said, starting to fold the pile of towels.

“Alrighty,” He answered the call, “What’s up ner-” his face lit up, “Princess!”

Giggles erupted from the screen and Dmitri glanced up curious. On the screen instead of Logan was a small girl animatedly talking to Roman. She had two front teeth missing, glitter coloring her cheeks and rainbow beads rattling each time her braids moved.

“Woah, Woah-Woah,” Roman snorted, “Slow down hon, where’s your brother? Does he know you’re using his computer?”

“He’s in the shower,” she said, batting her eyes, “And know is a very strong word, but I can assure you he’s...aware?”

“Mmm, I won’t tell if you don’t,” he said, “So what’s the fairest of the land need?”

She beamed, “You at my birthday party.” she said, more of a command than anything.

Roman made of show of mulling it over, unable to keep a straight face, “I think I can make it.”

Her fist punched the air, “Ya--”

“Nieve,” Logan’s voice called out sternly.

Her eyes shot wide and she scrambled out of frame. Seconds later, Logan reappeared in the frame without his glasses, towel tucked to his chest. He didn’t look particularly mad.

He squinted blearily at the screen, “Roman? “ his gaze slid over, “Dmitri? Shit sorry did she bug you?”

“Not at all,” Roman reassured, “It’s been a while since I came over anyway,”

Logan grabbed their glasses, adjusting the frames, “Yeah...I guess it has...Since you’re here did you get that email from the school?”

“Yeah, it’s bullshit, “ Roman said, rolling his eyes, “If the state cared they would have found the funds somewhere else, it’s all shady as fuck. ”

Logan nodded, saying goodnight before disconnecting.

As soon as his icon disappeared, Roman said, “Huh, that...reminded me,”

Dmitri started on the next pile of laundry, “Of what?” he said, brow pinched, concerned.

“I’ dunno something Remy brought up…” Roman said, playing with his hands, “It’s stupid really but---”

He yelped falling to the floor, Remus victoriously sliding into the rolling chair. He spun wildly, the web camera a laggy blur, with only loud obnoxious kissing noises heard amongst the screaming.

Eventually, Remus slowed down, and it was jarring how much he and Roman looked alike. It was more unnerving seeing such a sleazy look with Roman’s face.

“Oh Dmitri,” Remus mocked, even adopting the heavy accent Roman usually placed on his name, “Embrace me with those big, long artist hands of yours, god I’m going to melt--"

“Shut up--shut up! You Rat-- give it back-give it back--” Roman whined, clambering over the chair, elbowing him, “Give it back, fuckin- MOM,” At one point Roman managed to wrestle the laptop from Remus, kicking him out of the chair and sending him off with a finger-- which Remus promptly returned.

Dmitri’s silently wheezed as Roman turned around visibly frazzled, “God I forgot what I was say-Are you laughing at me?” he said, “Stop it--stop laughing it’s not--”

“It-” Dmitri’s covered his mouth, shoulders shaking “It kinda is,” He said between snorts, only laughing harder at the offended noises Roman made.

As his snickers died down, Roman crossed his arms, “You done yet?” he sniffed.

“Yeah…” he gasped, “Yea...h... I am…” he blinked a bit, a slow smile spreading across his face, “So... what’s this about my hands?”

Roman’s eyes shot wide, incoherent babbling coming from his mouth as his ears turned a bright cherry. He slowly shrank out of frame to promptly die.

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

[mousepatrol]

8.8.17

so the reason im not posting this on the correct day is because our power is out right now. I completely forgot, but our powers supposed to be out from 8pm to 3pm which is completely stupid because the sun goes down right at 8 so that’s when I would need to start using it. I mean, they could have done it at around midnight when all reasonable people are asleep, or at least ten, when people are usually done eating and theyre just hanging out. You know? Also Im using word for this so that’s why things are being autocorrected

so, my day. Trash galore, folks.

I turned off my alarm last night because I didn’t think it was doing me any good and I was getting worried that I was just making myself sleep deprived for when school starts, so I went to bed around 3 or maybe even 4 (cant even fucking remember why at this point, I didn’t have shit to do) and then I woke up at 1145. Could have been worse but also could have been a lot better. So I wasn’t that tired bc I hadn’t been woken up 120000 times and I managed to actually be awake for a while. I fucked around on the computer for an hour and then made some pasta because apparently I cant eat anything else anymore. My appetite is shit

I ate like… only half of my food before I had to get ready to leave bc my mom was having a showing of the house and that means I have to leave. So I decided I was just going to go to the gym oh but I forgot something happened while I was going downstairs to cook

I made a short textpost about this already but I ran into my mom (who was in my brothers bathroom and I therefore thought she wasn’t home) and she told me that my dad had cancelled the flight he had for when I go back to school. So basically he was going to come out with me and help me move in even though I told him I wouldn’t really need that much help this time, since I already have all of my stuff and my new place is furnished. But when I had just gotten home, he insisted, and so he booked a flight with me. Also my parents told me that my car should be low on gas when I put it in storage so it was and it turns out that’s completely wrong so he was going to help me with my car also. It needs to go to the shop too just for like oil and stuff

Um so yeah apparently hes the biggest baby ever and my mom still wanted me to apologize to him and I think I did a good job of telling her that no, I should not apologize for my tiny bad thing (telling my dad several times to be quiet in increasingly sarcastic ways, bc I was watching jeopardy and he would not stop talking and I cant hear it when hes talking bc bad ears) when he wont even apologize for calling me a piece of shit and running away upstairs and banging things around and making me scared. That’s not acceptable and even though I recognize that I could have handled it better, I think that my response of annoyance (after days upon days of him doing this same thing while I try to tell him to not) was reasonable and honestly the things I said caused no harm. I wasn’t making fun of him. I was ONLY making jokes that had to do with the clues and turning them into ways of telling him to be quiet because I cant hear. I did tell him more nicely to be quiet in the beginning though. I really did. But he just wont stop with this shit and I don’t have infinite patience, even though it’s a lot better than I used to be

Um so yeah. Ok I wrote that for the last paragraph, interesting. But I mean im not mad about him not going, its not like I wanted him there anyway and I knew it would make me very uncomfortable and he would have to get a hotel bc theres nowhere for him to sleep, but its still a bit jarring and frankly just awful that he did that instead of either telling me okay and being quiet or I don’t know, saying im gonna leave the room while you watch it then bc I cant be quiet. Either of those would have been fine but instead of thinking internally about the things he was doing, he projected stuff onto me and just called me a piece of shit. I don’t really know how you can do that as a parent. I cant help but critique him, but at least im not just insulting him. You know? Is that reasonable? Ugh. But anyway, turns out theres a 711 right next to the storage place so if my car is out of gas I can either use the tiny bit that’s left to get it over to 711 or just like get gas from there and bring it to my car. Either way it is possible. I also just need someone to pick me up from the airport but my mom said she would figure that out. So, really, im fine. It’s the circumstance that is just very upsetting, you know. Its just not something that needed to happen and now im mad/scared of him for the rest of the time im here and im just over it as hell

Ok… so I ate lunch and then got ready for the gym bc that’s where I was going. So I went and then I actually went to target first bc I was out of soap, so I got better smelling soap than the one I had last and some more conditioner bc I was also out and I got a pair of comfy shorts that are a little too small for my ass but ill make due because I need more than one pair of shorts. And those other shorts really don’t fit me, I cannot wear them out lol. Then I went to the gym bc it was arm day and that went pretty well and I did it pretty quick so it was tiring for sure. And I came back and had a nice shower and sang against me! Songs really loud because I got tickets to see them in October that Im really psyched about and I just want to listen to them more. Oh man I love laura jane grace she is just so wonderful omg I am so glad to have her in the community its wonderful

So after all of that I went downstairs to get the rest of my pasta that I had put in the fridge, and it was like 6pm and I realized I probably didn’t want to be downstairs tonight so I also got some crackers and cheese and fruits snacks and extra water because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get to eat again (I probably only ate 500 calories today im upset L). So then I went upstairs to eat and I watched the great british bake off which is really nice and I quite like it a lot. Its calming and fun. After that I did a reply because dex replied to two of my threads today so I got one out for him since I want to get that thread going, aaaand about thirty minutes after that the power went off at eight. I had seriously forgotten about that so I don’t know, I kind of just accepted my fate

Im not really sure what exactly happened there, because I felt like I was fine before (was legit browsing dildos online lmfao like I was just bored yknow) but when the power was out I got kind of upset and just… took my plush cow and sat on my bed as the sun went down and just. Stared. Catherine, bless her fucking heart, texted me after like 30 minutes out of the blue so I luckily I had her to talk to for at least a little while. I was feeling shitty before yeah now that I think about it, after my shower I was upset and felt like I was gonna cry but I didn’t and I just sent james some snaps and he said he was gonna text me but he didn’t and that’s ok I think he went to bed because he didn’t open my other snaps. Its ok. He doesn’t need to contact me every minute for me to know that he cares. I love him so much and I sent him a quick text just to tell him that because I always do that when I feel bad just because eventually he replies and it always makes me feel good.

Ok so I cried like two times between eight and nine thirty when I was just sitting there, laying on my bed and texting Catherine about when school starts. I just felt really down because I remember having to turn the lights off around ten and it doesn’t really get a lot darker than it does in the summer at eight (I mean ten during schooltime when I was younger) and I just remember not having any light and no one to talk to or text and I couldn’t read and my parents would lock my computer out at ten so I couldn’t talk to anyone and I just remember being very very lonely and feeling like no one cared about me and not being able to talk to the people that I felt like truly did care about me. So I remember doing a lot of crying in bed in the evenings when I was like 12-16 and its just really sad, you know? i would cry myself to sleep a lot and all I could do was lay there and listen to music because ive always been really bad at sleeping so it would never come at ten even if I really wanted to sleep then. It just didn’t happen. So sitting there in my bed tonight just made me feel like this little kid trapped in this room and I cant go downstairs because im scared of people being bad to me and I cant go out and in my room I have to sit in the dark and its just all very bad. I forgot about all of that. Im an adult now and I can have the lights on when I want but I guess its upsetting for me to not be in control of that

Come to think of it, its also very upsetting when people tell me to go to bed. I talked to this one girl in my rp a lot (she doesn’t talk to me that much now, she talks to another person, I don’t know why and I do feel lonelier now but I guess she wasn’t that nice to talk to anyway so im alright) and if I was up when she woke up (8hhr time difference) she would spam me messages telling me to go to bed and I already knew my schedule but she wouldn’t shut up. I don’t know, that’s just something

Also I hate hearing people say my name. it makes me flinch every time and I think someones going to scream at me. I think that’s half the reason I wanted to change my name when I was going through gender stuff. I just didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Which is sad. Because I do love it, and maybe its not so bad when im not in this house bc its just my parents voices saying my name that really bothers me

So after 930 I went downstairs and got a candle and brought it up and I did a bit of drawing but it got annoying after about half an hour. At some point my dad came to my door and said something that I didn’t understand, so I didn’t say anything and he went away. Then I read catcher in the rye for about an hour (only got through like 35 pages) and now im writing this entry on whats left of my computer battery. Im charging my phone off of this just so it has power, since it was dying, and it looks like I have at least part of an episode of skam saved onto here so I guess im just going to watch that until I fall asleep because I always fall asleep to youtube videos. Im going to have to download some movie or something onto here so that I have that to fall asleep to in case if something like this happens again. Ok I know this was long but theres a lot of good stuff in there so hopefully this will help in therapy or something later. Things are really rough mentally right now and I just want to go home, you know. Ive wanted to go home for absolutely years, though. Idk where home is. bye