#but anyway maybe he’s just uncomfortable in how people overanalyze some of his expressions | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chocojjk · 4 years ago

Text

Hyunjin’s Playlist

summary: college student! hyunjin x college! student reader; strangers to lovers?

words: 5.2k

a/n: Hi, I meant to upload this a lot earlier however I was met with tons of writers block along the way. I wrote this without having an actual plot prepared lmao. But anyways, its done so I hope someone enjoys reading this :)

all songs used are songs that hyunjin has played on vlive but please keep in mind that the way the songs are portrayed are based off of my own interpretations. i am in no way speaking for hyunjin :)

one.

we are often attracted to instruments that mirror our own identity. we find comfort in knowing that we aren’t alone, that somewhere out there, someone is feeling the same exact way. they say a person can tell a lot about another based on their playlist. songs become a portrayal of one’s feelings and experiences. through someone’s music, you can tell what kind of person they are.

“Let me see your playlist.”

“What?” the boy responded, curious as to why you chose that as your conversation starter. nonetheless, he unlocks his phone and opens his spotify app, showing you the songs that have definitely left a mark on his heart.

Places We Won’t Walk - Bruno Major

A blissful song with a hint of sadness. The boy in front of you treasures the small things in life, yet is saddened by the things that he cannot reach.

When The Party’s Over - Billie Eilish

He’s put up a wall. He’s not easily understood. He’s aware that he can hurt others so he has made himself believe that he’d rather be alone. That he’s better off alone.

Instagram - Dean

He’s lonely. He often compares himself to those around him, wondering why he isn’t living the same luxurious life with all the same cheerful smiles that he sees on his feed.

Please Love Me - Colde

He wants to be loved. “I like you,” you smiled, handing him back his phone, taking the seat next to him.

“The weirdest thing happened to me today.”

Hyunjin started telling his friends about the girl he encountered on his first day of university. It’s been hours since it happened yet he couldn’t shake it out of his head.

“That’s it? She just asked to see your playlist?” Jisung exclaims, one eyebrow going up and a pout making its way on his face as he wore the same confused expression Hyunjin sported earlier that day. Hyunjin nods, answering the question that his friend had laid out for him.

“Hmm, that is weird,” Felix agreed

“Maybe she’s actually a psychology major and it’s a project?” Seungmin suggested, trying to find the answers to the situation that has left them all clueless.

“Orrr, maybe...just maybe...she thought you were cute?” Jeongin chuckled sarcastically

“But that’s literally all she said to me, she didn’t look at me after that anymore...when the class was over, she was gone without saying goodbye… s-she didn’t even tell me her name!” Hyunjin whines, sinking into his chair.

“Why don’t you just ask her when you see her again?” their youngest retorts, tired of how his older friends were always overanalyzing things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

You frustrated the boy. The way you didn’t even know his name yet somehow you came to the conclusion that you liked him. The way that you spoke exactly 8 words to him but made it seem like you know every story he has to tell. You made him feel vulnerable and he did not like that.

Not one bit.

“What's your name?” Hyunjin plops his backpack down as he takes the seat next to yours, the same ones as last week.

“Why does that matter?” you ask, clearly teasing the boy.

Hyunjin plasters on the fakest smile he could muster up, not really having the patience for your mind games, “well, if you’re gonna continue to sit next to me then the least you could do is tell me your name.”

You bite back a smile, his music gave too much of him away. He was good at hiding his feelings though which is something you’ll give him credit for later on. Honestly, if you weren’t paying attention, you might have missed the sour expression that was laced within the boy's tone of voice nor would you have noticed how he’s trying to show you that he’s unbothered by your words.

Unluckily for the boy, your attention was focused solely on him. And so, you push his buttons some more, “technically, you were the one that sat next to me.”

Hyunjin stares at you, trying to read what was going on in your mind but all he could feel was the annoyance that was seeping through his body.

God, you were annoying.

“Slowly, hair will turn to gray,” you mumbled, a smirk forming its way on your lips. “What?” Hyunjin replied, a word he seems to be saying a lot ever since he met you. “If you keep thinking so hard, your hair might turn to gray soon,” you joked yet it was clear to the both of you that it was only funny to you, the boy not catching on to the fact that you were phrasing a lyric from one of his songs.

“...my name is y/n,” you say, finally deciding to give the boy a break.

“Alright class, I want to talk about your partner project, please find someone in the classroom to work with. This will be done throughout the semester and will be 30% of your overall grade so take it seriously,” the Professor informed, capturing both yours and Hyunjins attention.

“This project will be simple - it’s all about observing. Since this is a PSYCH class, I want you and your partner to pick 3 spots and just simply observe the people around you. For example, if you are at the cafe, what could the person in the corner with her eyebrows furrowed be wondering? Is she studying for an exam? Is she worried about a friend? There are tons of possibilities but I want you and your partner to jot down what you see and explain what you have observed.”

“That’s all for today, I’ll release you guys early so you can all have a head start,” she explained.

You turn to the boy at your side, “so…you want to be partners?”

Hyunjin doesn’t really know why he said yes, seeming he wasn’t comfortable with your presence at all. He convinces himself that he just didn’t want to go through the extra hassle of finding a partner when you were already available. Besides he could honestly care less, the only reason why he’s taking this class was for the extra units. After all, he was a music major.

“How about here?” you suggested the grassy area in the middle of the campus. This part of the school was peaceful however it wasn’t quiet. Laughter and chatter from all the different kinds of groups filled up the morning air while the birds chirped along and occasionally, a squirrel or two would cause a bit of a ruckus.

“We could grab some food and just sit down on the grass,” but the puzzled expression on the boy's face lead you to assume that he didn’t quite like the idea, “just so we would blend in more,” you added, hoping that it would be enough for the boy to say yes.

“We don’t need to get food. We can just sit here and pretend we're talking, a lot of people around here are doing just that.” He was right. All you could do was nod and let out a sigh as the two of you sat next to each other, observing the scene ahead. You were hoping you could grab a quick bite during this since you still had classes for the rest of the day but that obviously wasn’t the case so you chose to just cover up your rumbling stomach with a cough or two here and there.

“What do you think about him?” Hyunjin pointed at the boy that was sitting on the bench, flowers in his hand as he types away on his phone.

“Hmm, I noticed his smile first, he’s practically beaming. He’s probably going to surprise his significant other. His legs bouncing up and down from excitement,” you chuckle, finding the anonymous boys’ action cute, “he’s probably texting them right now so they could meet up,” you concluded. You turn to Hyunjin, noticing his eyes slightly widen at your response. “What do you think?” you ask, slightly nudging him out of his trance.

“well... I think you’re right that he’s waiting for someone. But for me, he’s probably gonna confess to that person...uhmm, his ears are pink so he’s nervous… probably afraid of rejection. Because of this he’s probably texting a friend for advice,” he observed.

His answer didn’t surprise you, after all, you’ve already seen some of the deepest parts of him - even if he was unaware. On the other hand, he was in awe. Your guys’ answers were so different from the other. The way you viewed the scene ahead as something positive while his was more on the negative side. This sparked interest in him. But he breaks out of his thoughts as he hears your failed attempt to hide your growling stomach for the umpteenth time.

He stands to his feet, grabbing you along with him. “Uhm, where are we going?”

He doesn’t say a word. He just grabs your hand and drags you along until you’ve arrived at the university’s main food court. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed your stomach rumbling for the past twenty minutes,” he teases as you try to hide the blush that was making its way upon your cheeks. Now you were left speechless, nothing in the boy’s music has suggested that he had this sweet side to him. The side that would easily let someone in.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” you admitted as Hyunjin handed you the sandwich he had ordered, one for you and one for him.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry that I came off strong on the first day,” you apologized, aware of the way that you’ve been pushing his buttons and leaving him uncomfortable.

“Why did you ask for my playlist?” He was finally going to get an answer to the event that has left him stunned for the past week.

“It’s just a thing I do,” you confess nonchalantly, “I check to see if we have similar taste in music and from there, I come to a conclusion on whether or not you’re cool enough for me to talk to,” you lied. You weren’t going to admit to him that the reason you do it was to analyze him. I mean, what kind of person assumes a person’s whole character through their songs, right?

He wouldn’t understand.

Honestly, you don’t even really understand yourself why you do it. Maybe because you liked having the upper hand - that way, no one can hurt you.

Hyunjin lets out a laugh and you feel a little guilty. “So, if my songs were bad, you wouldn’t talk to me?” he chuckles.

“Yeah, no… not in a million years,” you joked, laughing along with him.

“So what would be a bad song to you?” he questions, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I don't know, uhh-despacito?” you snicker

Honestly, there were no such things as bad songs. When it comes to songs, everyone is entitled to their own opinions but you had to play along with the little lie that you’ve already started.

“Hey! I like that song!” Hyunjin retorts, playfully throwing a crumpled up tissue paper along your direction, the two of you sharing a laugh as the small guilt you felt a while ago diminishes. It’s not like it’s going to hurt him anyways. You only see each other once a week and it was for class. Otherwise, you never see the brown haired boy on campus. You didn’t even know of his existence until you startled him with your question.

The only reason he became your target was because the only empty seat was the one next to him.

two.

Second location. A frat party at the famous 3RACHA unit, who you’ve learned were good friends of Hyunjin. It was Hyunjin’s idea, convincing you that you guys will probably get a higher grade if you’ve incorporated various kinds of scenes. Plus, it was his first frat party and he didn’t want to miss it. You on the other hand was dreading this night ever since he brought it up in class last week. Parties weren’t your thing, you would much rather stay at home binging netflix shows, reading fanfictions, or watching compilations of your favorite kpop idols. But here you are now, rummaging the kitchen for something that didn’t contain alcohol as you’ve given up searching for the boy himself.

“y/n!, heyy,” Hyunjin stumbles in, a red solo cup in his hand.

“There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Can we please get this over with so I can leave,” you huffed, annoyed at the boy in front of you and the situation that you’ve found yourself in.

“No.” He pouts before letting out a laugh, his eyes turning into little moons.

“No? What do you mean, no?”

“Let’s have some fun first!” he beamed, dragging your hand out of the kitchen and into the party, ignoring your many protests. “Hyunjin, I didn’t come here for fun!” you sigh, arms crossing as you finally put a halt to the boys actions.

“C’mon y/n, loosen up a little bit… you’re in the first party of the most popular frat in town, enjoy it while you can.” This time he holds his hand out, though his eyes had a tinge of red from the alcohol that was playing in his system, the sincerity in them couldn’t be missed.

And so you do.

You take his hand in yours as he shoots you one of his signature smiles. You party the night away with the boy at your side. He introduced you to a handful of new people but you forgot their names as soon as it came out of their mouths.

You had way too much to drink but somehow you find yourself stumbling towards the park nearby, the boy's hand still in yours as he shares the story of how his best friend Jisung got chased by a duck and you couldn’t help but let out a boisterous laugh. Nothing about your laugh was pretty and if you weren’t so drunk, the embarrassment would’ve probably creeped up by now but you didn’t care. You couldn’t care - not when Hyunjins laugh would mix in with yours and you guys would have to literally cling to each other for strength.

“Tag, you’re it!” he breaks you out of your thoughts as he starts running away, his laughter still ringing in the air as you chase him. After a while, you give up, you were in no way, shape, or form, fast enough to catch the boy - especially with all the liquor bouncing around your stomach.

You sit down on the grass, catching your breath, your laughter dying down as your back hits the grass, eyes focusing on the twinkling orbs above. A few seconds later, warmth fills up beside you, Hyunjin taking his place next to you, mirroring your actions.

“We never observed a person,” you say chuckling, breaking the silence that quickly hung over the two of you.

“Sorry,” he smiles sheepishly, turning to you. Hyunjin takes this time to fully take in your appearance. No doubt in his mind, you are one of the most beautiful girls he’s ever seen.

“Why don’t we, umm -,” he pauses, wondering to himself if this was going to be a good idea for him.

“Why don’t we, what?” you reply quickly, curiosity getting the best of you as you turn to your side coming face to face with the boy himself. Your guys’ face were millimeters apart and the sudden feeling of his breathing being so close to you felt intoxicating. You dart your eyes down to his lips, thinking what it was like to feel them upon yours.

Hyunjin lets out an awkward cough, breaking the tension in the air as he stares back up at the stars. “Why don’t we observe each other?” he suggests after his heartbeat finally calmed down.

“Oh uhmm, o-okay,” you say, your voice faltering, pushing back your desire to kiss him. “You first,” you whisper, keeping your eyes locked into his features.

“uhh, I think you’re wondering what the hell you’re doing with a boy you barely know at 3 in the morning. You don’t want me to notice that you’re actually really pissed at me for dragging you into this party and not getting any of our work done,”

The boy takes a pause as soon as he hears you giggle ‘hyunjin, you are so wrong,’ you think to yourself.

“You’re the type to always get your shit done and you’ve probably already figured out everything you want in your life ever since you learned how to walk. You… you shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone like me,” he muttered, slowly turning to face you, this time a sad smile placed upon his lips. You sympathize with him, feeling sad with the way that he viewed himself.

“Okay, uhm…you're anxious right now because you don’t know how i’ll react to your confessions. You’re the type of boy who doesn’t want to let anyone in but at the same time wants to know how it feels to be loved,” you sigh, the guilt you were feeling creeping in once again, slowly eating you up. Hyunjin grew tense under your observations. He hated how easily it is for you to read him when he thought that he was doing a decent job at keeping up with his facade.

“You don’t notice the way others look at you because you’re too busy nitpicking your flaws. You didn’t notice how you were literally the life of the party back there. You didn’t notice the amount of girls practically begging for your attention…” you hesitate saying the last thing in your mind but as soon as you turned to him and saw the way he was looking at you, you couldn’t help but let the words stumble out of your mouth, “you don’t notice how much I want to kiss you right now,” and with those words out in the open, he brings his hands up to your cheek, slowly placing a light kiss upon your rosy lips and you swear you’ve never tasted anything better. It was a quick kiss, leaving as soon as it came, but the mix of his cherry chapstick and the alcohol created a combination that left you wanting more. Leaning up, you kiss him again, his mouth moving perfectly in sync with yours, deepening the kiss that you find yourself getting more and more addicted to with every second that passes.

Hyunjin pulls away first, his thoughts finally all coming together as the alcohol was starting to slowly leave his system. He looks at you, the fear evident in his eyes. He fucked up and he knows it. He shouldn’t have kissed you. You guys were friends and frankly, he liked your company. He can never be that guy who starts a relationship with someone. He was sure that he was incapable of love and could never give you what you wanted. You knew this, of course. You knew this from day one.

“I’m no good for you,” he sighed, mumbling several apologies for the actions that he took. And you realize how truly scared he was. That the tough image he’s keeping up isn’t because he had to but because he truly believed that it was the right thing to do.

“That’s okay Hyunjin, we can blame it on the alcohol,” you wished you didn’t have to but you knew yourself that you couldn’t let this get deeper than what it was now.

Hyunjin walks you back to your dorm room, making sure you were safe inside before he headed back to his own place.

-quiet when I’m coming home, i’m all alone.

three.

Hyunjin saw too many relationships around him fail, starting from his own parents. For him, love was merely an illusion. A desire that people get caught up with not because they are in love but because they lust the idea of love. The idea of having someone there to hold, to laugh with, to share stories with - it was all bullshit to him because at the end of the story, someone always leaves. Someone always says goodbye. It wasn’t worth it.

Not for him.

But sometimes he’ll see a picture on instagram and wonder to himself, could those smiles be permanent?

“Are you just gonna keep stalking her social media or are you gonna actually talk to her?” Jeongin breaks the boy out of his thoughts.

“I’m not stalking her!” Hyunjin replies defensively, hiding the pink that was creeping upon his cheeks.

“I’ve literally been here for the past 3 mins just looking at you scroll through her feed and you didn’t even notice,” the younger boy points out, teasing him. Ever since the night at the park, Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to talk to you. He knew that the both of you agreed to just forget it but could he really forget something like that? You made him feel what he was scared of the most. You made him feel like he wanted to fall in love. The memory of your lips against his keeps him up at night, your laughter ringing in his ear while the warmth from your fingertips makes him feel like he’s completely losing it.

How can he still feel you when you were nowhere near him?

How did you get past his wall so quickly?

And why, fuck, why does he want you in it?

You, on the other hand, haven't made any effort to reach out either. He was right about you. You were a know-it-all. Ever since you were younger you knew that you wanted to help the people around you. You enjoyed listening to others’, letting them know that they are never alone and that they could always turn to you for advice or simply just if they needed someone to listen to them. You liked the idea of being someone’s safe haven - that’s why you want to be a psychologist.

But this - the way the boy made you feel, the way he cluttered your every waking thought - this was something you didn’t plan. This was something you didn’t have the answers to. Grabbing your phone, you finally gain the courage to send the boy a text

Hey, we still have one scenario left, any ideas? - y/n

Hyunjin reads the text, his heart suddenly doing somersaults in the air. ‘Hyunjin, stop.’ he warns himself. He knows that he wasn’t ready to see you and so he ignored it. Grabbing his backpack he shouts a quick, “I'm gonna go practice,” before heading out to the dance rooms to try and clear his head.

umm, what do you think about going to the diner across town? - y/n

You did it. You double texted. After several hours, the boy still hasn’t responded to your text so you decided to take manners in your own hands. But as soon as you pressed send, you felt pathetic. He’s most likely just busy and that’s why he hasn’t replied but you like to make yourself believe that you had more of an effect on him.

You were about to scream into your pillow, feeling frustrated at the situation until your phone let out a small ding, indicating that you’ve received a new message.

sure - hyunjin

how does tomorrow at 6pm sound ? - y/n

good - hyunjin

These one word answers were killing you. For someone who usually knows and can assume what’s about to happen beforehand, you were left clueless and that annoyed you.

“Hey, am i late?” hyunjin takes the seat across from you. no, he wasn’t late. you just arrived way earlier than the time planned hoping to calm your nerves before having to face the boy who has settled himself into your mind.

“What do you think of that girl over there?” you point at the girl who was sitting, laughing along with her group of friends.

“geez y/n, can’t we order something to eat first,” hyunjin jokes. He barely got there and you were already on top of it. typical, he thinks to himself. You let out a small smile, happy at the fact that the boy was teasing you. Honestly, you were afraid that his responses were going to be as bland as his text messages and it has been killing your thoughts the whole night.

“ok ok,, my bad… let’s order first,” when your food arrived, you fell into a comfortable conversation. like the thoughts that the both of you have been struggling with never existed. but in the middle of the conversation, something clicked within you.

You can‘t read him anymore and that scared you.

“honestly i think this whole project is stupid,” hyunjin blurts out, capturing your attention.

“hmm, why do you say that?”

“i just find it absolutely ridiculous to just judge someone based on one scenario, you know? like i bet all our guesses have been wrong so far,” he confesses and once again the guilt rushes to your heart and you were left speechless.

“Like I really hate it when people judge others without getting to know them like who do you think you are? Do people who do that actually think they’re better or mightier?” Hyunjin continues and suddenly the space around you feels tight, your lungs struggling to find air. You were the type of person that Hyunjin would hate and that leaves an unsettling feeling in your stomach.

Hyunjin notices this after a while of you not responding to him and just picking at your food. “y/n, you okay?” he says, eyes filled with worry and you can't help but let out a tear, quickly brushing it off as soon as it hit your cheek. You don’t deserve the way he’s looking at you like he would fight anyone that comes to hurt you.

“Hyunjin...i’m sorry,” you let out quietly as you tried to stop the rest of your tears from water falling. Grabbing your bag, you ran out of the diner, leaving a very confused Hyunjin behind to wonder what you were apologizing for.

four.

7 missed calls

you don’t dare try to answer any of it.

the thought of having to face the boy and explain the reasons for your apology hurts you knowing that he wouldn’t want anything to do with you afterwards. how do you even explain it to him? there is literally no plausible excuse:

“hey yeah i’m the jerk that you hate because i judged your whole personality based off of five songs,”

“i only did it because i like superiority”

“it also helps me feel better about myself”

yeah. he’ll definitely hate you afterwards. and so you sulk in your room, letting out your frustrated cries, your blanket comforting you as the sound of your phone ringing filled the air. after the 12th call, the ringing finally stops and you feel like you can finally think until a knock on your dorm room brings you back to reality.

“hey,” he sighs, your eyes immediately widening as you shut the door as quickly as you opened it.

“y/n, come on!” hyunjin whines

“how did you know this was my room?” you yell through the door.

“I asked around,” he shouts back “now can you let me in??”

You were frozen in place, hands gripped on your doorknob to make sure that he can’t come in. “Look, we don’t have to talk about what happened okay,” he starts, “but we do have a project due in 2 days and i would like to finish it...so please just ….. just let me in.” He finishes, an exasperated sigh leaving his mouth once he comes face to face with the girl that has always been a puzzle to him.

Entering your dorm room, you notice that the boy's hair is a bit disheveled and you wonder how many times he has let his hands run through them due to frustration. He’s doing his best to hide his furrowed eyebrows and keep a calm expression but you see through all of it.

you’re doing it again. you think to yourself.

“okay let’s just make up a scenario since we didn’t get one at the diner,” you suggest, finally breaking the silence that hung above the two of you.

“why did you apologize?” hyunjin quietly asks, his gaze fixed strongly on you and you find yourself having to sit down due to the impact of his stare.

“hyunjin…. you said we didn’t have to talk about it,” you responded, trying to change the subject.

“I lied. I need to know the answers y/n. I need to know why you seem to see through my walls. I need to know how you dug a hole in my mind and stayed in it because I want you out. I don’t know what I’m feeling when it comes to you and I don’t like it.”

“How??? How can you see right through me?!”He frustratedly confesses, his voice getting louder with every question that leaves his mouth.

“What?? are you a stalker??? Is that why you know?? have you been following me around ??”

“No!” you responded quickly, shutting down the assumptions that the boy has managed to come up with.

“It’s your music.” you finally confess, your heart tightening as the words left your mouth, afraid of what’s to come next.

Hyunjin stares at you, his mind finally connecting all the dots. The reason you asked for his playlist. The reason why you knew his stories and insecurities. All of it was because he gave you access to his music. And suddenly he felt bare. All his hiding, all the walls he put up, it was all useless when it came to you.

“The last song in that playlist…” he starts but you finish the sentence for him, “please love me by colde,” your glassy eyes staring back up at him.

“so, will you?” hyunjin asked, worry laced within his voice.

“y-you’re not mad at me?” you stuttered, the boy's actions leaving your mind in a maze. he shakes his head. oddly enough, he didn’t feel any anger towards you. noticing that you were left in your thoughts to make sense of the situation at hand, he offers you a soft smile, “after knowing how troubled my mind was, you still stayed.”

“i think i already do…” you confess, eyes fixated on him, “love you, that is,” you say mirroring the small smile that was on the boy’s face.

At your confession, Hyunjin let’s out a shaky breath.

“will you let me love you?” you ask him, a gentle tone laced within your voice, afraid of the answer to come.

your eyes never breaking contact with his, you moved closer to him. hyunjins eyes darts down to your lips and suddenly the answer seemed so clear.

love.

the word that terrifies him the most. the thing that the boy has been swearing off ever since he was little. love was something hyunjin never understood but every time he looks at your eyes, every time he feels your warmth next to him, and now as your lips move in perfect sync with his, it all seems to make sense.

(a/n): this ending is so rushed and im not sure if im entirely happy with it but i really did not know what to do for the longest time. i was thinking of just scrapping the whole thing tbh but anyways....

feedback is always welcomed and my ask is always open :)

thank you for reading!

308 notes · View notes

yibuo · 5 years ago

Note

love your hot takes! was wondering if you could give your two cents on shipping/rpf in relation to idol culture, how more often than not these pairings are subtly if not overtly used as a marketing tool etc. I’m all for freedom of expression / fandom consumption as long as the fourth wall is respected but given recent developments in c-ent I feel like we’re treading on thinner and thinner ice....

EDIT you asked for my two cents and i gave u my entire bank account. nice

ok i wasn’t sure how to answer this tbh without possibly getting attacked but i have a pretty strong opinion of rpf/shipping and how people take it to the extremes and i talked to oomf who validated me so here i go

tldr i mean people can take part in shipping/rpf if they want to and if they keep it lowkey but there’s a boundary as to how far shipping/rpf can go and there are too many instances of where people insert rpf/shipping in places that are unacceptable and this goes for all real ppl pairings

i’m not meaning to offend anyone, and in no way are my opinions discriminatory, but also, if you’re someone who’s gonna make HUGE stretches regarding to celebrities and push your favorite ships in totally unrelated things, maybe you should step back and think about how your actions can affect your favorite people

and i’m totally stealing this from oomf, but here’s a thought: if you ask yourself 'if i met this person irl, would i feel embarassed if they looked me in the eyes and i read this out loud to them' and if the answer is 'i would look like a pervert stalker' then like........maybe don't do what you’re doing?

pls respect ur faves is all n don’t make them uncomfortable ! ! and also pls don’t fetishize same sex relationships !

anyway

ok so let me start by saying i’m a seventeen stan and when i was 15-16 y/o i shipped svt members, read rpf, etc, but never really was into overanalyzing every touch or gaze. i obviously enjoyed my favorite pairings interact and i read romantic fics about them. i wasn’t really into reading smut because for me, personally, fics using the members’ names and personalities even in au kinda made smut feel like visualizing the members in a sexual context and i felt like i was crossing a fan boundary, like, would my idol be comfortable with me seeing them in a sexual context with another member they tell us they consider as friends/brothers/sisters? or just in general, would they be comfortable with me thinking of them sexually? but hey, if it was a good fic i would just skip over the smut because good fics are good fics. now idk if it’s because i’m older, or other changes? i don’t really do romantic shipping or read rpf, i stick to reading fics about fictional characters because that’s what makes me comfortable (like if i ever rb two members’ interactions on my main, i stick to just tagging the members instead of their ship name, same goes on here for real people) and i still very much am uncomfortable w/ real people smut literature and art, but that’s just me

ok you see shipping a lot in idol culture because idols are in groups and members spend a good 90% of their time together, so whatever cute interactions you see kinda lead to people shipping two (or more ig) members. i never really thought about idol shipping culture from a marketing perspective, so i asked some of my friends, and one of them made a really good point about how some ships are more popular than others, and these interactions on shows and stuff might be a strategic/marketing tactic to lure in new fans because of the “ships” being cute. i don’t know how true this actually is, but it kinda made sense. for example, in svt, mingyu x wonwoo is a super popular ship, compared to ships like the8 x vernon which no one ever talks about, even though we know that all the members love each other equally and wholeheartedly. so yeah, there probably is a subtle pushing of certain ships in order to gain momentum in attracting more fans to the group

also i’m gonna be using wonwoo and mingyu as examples but i’m not targetting anyone or anything, just hypothetical situations w/ an idol ship that i noticed to affect the members because how out-of-control SOME stans are

so as i said in my tldr, i don’t really mind romantic shipping, as long as it’s 1) lowkey 2) not pushed in places that it doesn’t belong and 3) not mentioned among the members

keeping it lowkey- pushing ships in everyone’s faces gets annoying. sometimes fans just want to enjoy idols’ content as they give it to us and frankly, it’s a little offputting when you’re trying to watch something or enjoy something and hoards of fans are fangirling over a gaze or a touch between 2 members. keep it on your private acct, or in a group chat, not in the youtube comment section of the video. but still, men and women are allowed to touch each other and show affection without it being romantic, and i feel like shipping culture kinda invalidates the platonic relationship. like unless a pairing is confirmed to be dating, why even bother with overanalyzing these gazes or touches. and no, it’s not homophobic for non-rpf fans to be annoyed, because sometimes fans just want to see the members as they portray themselves to be rather than finding a deeper (and unconfirmed) meaning behind every small thing. fans being like “bro it’s just the touch of two hands it’s not that deep” is not the same thing as fans going “ewww i’m’ not supporting them if they’re not straight” . and sometimes i feel like people try to twist non-rpfers words and call them homophobic if they’re not for shipping when sometimes people don’t wanna romantically visualize 2 people if they’re an unconfirmed couple. how can you use lgbt struggles, which is an issue in society, to fight against people who simply don’t do rpf?? how are you use that as a weapon and for what ??? (also a good amount of people who do this are lgbt fetishizers who aren’t lgbt themselves bye i said it) why can’t we all jus be friends dudes

ok but if you’re against your idols dating someone of the same gender, that’s homophobic and you needa get that checked

but that’s different from treating two members as friends rather than bfs

but this being lowkey concept applies to any pairing, straight or gay, just keep it lowkey dudes. (like for ex we see yibo and meng meiqi shippers, which also doesn’t make sense to me because it’s based off of literal crumbs but ok) it’s ok to be rpfer or non-rpfer as long as you’re respecting the idols and keeping their best interests in mind

respect ur faves pls

not pushed in places that it doesn’t belong- people need to stop bringing up ships and pairings in randomass places. for example, if wonwoo is doing a interview, with mingyu being nowhere in sight, and he’s talking about his hobbies and interests without ever mentioning mingyu, what’s the need to bring up mingyu?? people do it and it’s so... weird? like wonwoo can do things without being constantly associated mingyu? one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when shippers make these ships such a HUGE part of a members’ identitiy, when the members are doing so much w/ their lives? like no, not every move wonwoo makes, and every breath he takes is related to mingyu, but people still wanna have the audacity to mention mingyu in something completely unrelated? what’s your point?

RESPECT UR FAVES

not mentioned among the members in an uncomfy manner- like if you’re interacting with a real person, why are you gonna bring up a ship they’re included in when you have so many other things to talk about?? like ok it’s one thing to ask someone on a livestream “hey this event you guys did on xxxx show was funny, what’s the tea behind that” but it’s not okay to just mention a ship with no relation and no context to the situation. again, this counts as rpf-ers and shippers attributing a single ship to an idol’s identity much more than what it actually counts as. no, wonwoo is not 70% made of mingyu lover and vice versa. we actually saw this between mingyu and wonwoo as people kept pushing meanie (the ship) to their faces, and we saw (and still see) a much more decreased amount of interaction between them compared to them predebut, because shippers couldn’t stay in their lane. so yes, out-of-control shipping DOES affect idols and can be harmful to their relationships if you don’t control it

^ so y’all see why i feel so strongly about this, because it literally can affect these idols’ relationships on screen

JUST RESPECT UR FAVES

again, this applies for any pairing of any sexuality, i’m just using wonwoo x mingyu as an example because it’s something i saw when i was into rpf. i love both mingyu and wonwoo and they are wholesome together. i have friends who ship them and i’m completely ok with that because they do it without posing any harm to the members, but some people just need to take a chill pill and a seat and calm down ????

so i completely understand that shipping/rpf serves as a creative outlet for lgbt+ folks and that’s completely fine, inspiration, love, cool cool cool. just don’t be so pushy about small interactions especially directly to idols. and as for rpf-ers, don’t let rpf give you a reason to start fetishizing same-sex relationships, that shits weird and problematic...pls

again, if you ask yourself 'if i met this person irl, would i feel embarassed if they looked me in the eyes and i read this out loud to them' and if the answer is 'i would look like a pervert stalker' then like........maybe don't do what you’re doing?

lol so this is why i’m much more comfortable w/ fictional shipping, because these people don’t exist in the real world and don’t have actual lives and relationships to protect

just respect ur faves omg and we’ll be fine

“given recent developments in c-ent” and me being a yibo stan and you sending me this strongly leads me to believe you’re referring to out of control bjyx cpf (yizhan shippers) LOL

i don’t follow much c-ent besides xnine, uniq, r1se, and sometimes unine and the nine percent members, and honestly im not too into the fan culture so i dont follow ships there? so i’ll focus on. this ship

to be completely honest, shipping for idol groups makes some sense to me because idol group members are with each other most of the time, that’s literally their job

shipping actors who haven’t confirmed that they’re dating/no proof doesn’t really make sense to me at all--they work on one project together, and they’re off to their next., with or without each other . we don’t know if they keep in contact every day, much less if they’re into each other, but each to their own! my opinions and takes aren’t perfect and as long as you’re respecting your faves, it is ok~

ok so i’ll start of with saying: obviously, i love yibo. i love xiao zhan. they’re cute nd wholesome and evidently had good times together and learned a lot from each other regarding acting and being in the industry and just developing as people together. good for them, we love character development. amazing

is pushing bjyx a marketing tactic? most definitely yeah by tencent thanks tencent. i think you can see this through the amount of bts videos there are with just bjyx in comparison to other bts videos/interviews, even though there are many more important characters apart from wwx and lwj in cql, we don’t see as much side cast interactions as bjyx, and if we do, there aren’t that many w/ other cast members and yibo and xiao zhan?? relatively speaking

so yeah i think pushing this yibo x xiao zhan thing definitely was a tactic to further the momentum that wangxian was already having to attract stans, and it worked. like i LOVE watching yibo and xiao zhan bts videos because they are two goofs. love them. love my boys. love their camaraderie. and if people wanna ship, then go ship. cool! just be casual pls

i think where this becomes a problem is when people start projecting wangxian’s relationship onto yibo and xiao zhan because...the latter are real people. yibo and xiao zhan =/= wangxian !!!!!! (ok first of all yibo is a gremlin how can he be the wang in wangxian in real life) what wyb and xz show us in videos is nowhere near what wangxian is hJKNDJNWD and i see so many people just equate the two pairings...nooo... and combining everything mxtx writes about wangxian in the novel and projecting that onto wyb and xz...i don’t think that’s the move dudes they have their own lives they’re not wangxian

my BIGGEST pet peeve is when people wholly credit wyb’s development as an actor and as a person to xz and vice versa. i cannot tell you how many times i see posts saying “wyb brought xz out of his shell” and vice versa and things like “xz looks like he’s having much more fun than he is when he’s with xnine, they’re soulmates” and etc

both wyb and xz have had years of industry experience before getting to know each other. they’ve gone through some of the lowest points of their careers before even getting to know each other well, and they’ve both found Their People in the industry before finding each other. to say that wyb brought xz out of his shell in a summer’s worth of filming based on some bts videos is just so unfair to the bonds xz has made with his other colleagues and xnine members and the accomplishments he’s had before cql. same with wyb and his career prior to cql. and his uniq members, his ttxs bros, and all his other colleagues. these 2 have gone through some shit with their idol groups and it’s just not fair for cpfs to erase the significance of their career prior to cql to support and find a leverage for their shipping. i’m not saying all cpfs do this, but there is a Good Amount That Do and it pisses fans like me off

they are not each others saviours bye

also “xz looks like he’s having much more fun than he is when he’s with xnine, they’re soulmates”, if you guys ever watch xnine videos, you’ll know that xnine is Loud. with members like wu jiacheng and peng chuyue being so loud and extroverted, it kinda makes xiao zhan relatively quieter. but he’s still a gremlin and troublemaker and it’s not like he isn’t having fun. he’s just louder w/ yibo because yibo is more introverted than xz. relationship dynamics are relative to the relationship cmon people !!!! this is basic knowledge !!!! anyway that was a side tangent but ya

but ya my point is, wyb and xz have their own careers and they’re doing their own things now, and it’s unnecessary to bring up xz in an unrelated wyb post/article and vice versa, and it’s just so so unnecessary to link them in everything??? like i heard that cpfs prevented xz from keeping his nomination for an award because yibo wasn’t nominated so xz lost the nomination ./rolls eyes

anyway my point being, if you wanna ship them then go ahead! just do it normally and don’t bring up the ship in unrelated places (like other dramas, tv shows, etc where they’re not together), don’t spam them with bjyx related things, don’t make weird stretches/connections?? the other day on twt i saw a twt about uniq wenhan’s drama, where he was being referred to as xiao zhan (little zhan) in the drama (different “xiao” and “zhan” characters than actor xz’s name) and i saw cpfs go “omg theYRE CALLING HIM XIAO ZHAN??? IS THIS FATE OR” like no it isnt maam it’s just a name stop reaching

ANYWAY UNNECESSARY SIDE RANTS BUT MY MAIN POINT is that people are allowed to be shippers and take part in rpf, but don’t make their identities “____’s lover”, don’t look past their current and past achievements for the sake of your ship, don’t erase their relationships with other people for the sake of your ship, stop bringing your ship into things that are only related to one person/aren’t related to your ship, stop saying creepy things about your ship (if you think the ship people would be uncomfrotable with what you say about them you probably shouldn’t be saying it)

just. respect ur faves pls no matter who they’re with ...just respect them ty

stan yibo stan xiao zhan stan uniq stan xnine

comment ur fav yibo and xiao zhan moment below

like comment subscibe

ok bye mic drop

#this is long please dont read #dont hurt me #bye #reply #if u make ur favs uncomfy im sending huo mala to eat u #Anonymous

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groundramon · 4 years ago

Text

Statement

I didnt want to write this but I’m too fucking tired to respond to anymore people who go into my ask box. I’ve already gotten 4. Leave me alone. Also I apologize for not censoring @ ‘s. Obviously, do not send hate to anyone. Because I, unlike Peri, do not endorse that. Your white knighting will not hurt Peri and it will not help me - it will just help Peri feel more justified. So seriously, to any of my friends/mutuals/followers reading this - do not.

DISCLAIMER: I knew peri back when he still used they/them pronouns. If I ever accidentally refer to him with those pronouns, please don’t hone in on that, but please DO tell me about my mistake so I can go and fix that. This is not an excuse, its still wrong of me to do and i apologize if I accidentally do it anywhere in this post - it is an explanation and an invitation to hold me accountable without using it to destroy the whole point of my post.

DISCLAIMER #2: there is a lot of nuances to our relationship that I will never be able to describe in text. Such as the fact that as little kids, Peri and our other friends were the ones who “corrupted” my sense of humor (not in a problematic way, I was just a really naive little kid). We always made jokes about me being the least mature out of the group despite being the oldest.

DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I made mistakes. No, I did not put out a callout about Peri “just to start shit”. I have apologized for my mistakes and learned better, and would be happy to write another apology genuinely outlining what I did wrong if Peri didn’t lie about me at every given opportunity.

I never put a callout on Peri until now. Maybe once when this first happened, i told people to unfollow him...I genuinely cant remember. I know I added him to my carrd as DNI, but he did it first, and I did it in response to that. And I removed it long ago. He also mocked me for calling him my abuser after one of his friends block evaded me to tell me to fuck off, and I found out said friend did that because Peri had been calling me “a danger to minors”, a racist (Peri is white and kept making Hetalia jokes up to a few months before we stopped being friends even though literally I never did) and a lesbophobe (ok peri is a lesbian), and more important, accusing me of stalking. His definition of stalking was to check his twitter profile obsessively. I know he did this to me, because he mentioned one of my discourse threads about SPOP and misrepresented my argument (he said I called Catra abusive - I called Catradora toxic and clarified that Catra is not an abuser). I’m not here to debate the definition of stalking, but heres the thing - at that point, it had been...I think 3 months after we broke off? And I hadnt checked his twitter since a week after we broke up. Literally. I’m sure I have no way of proving that now, OVER A YEAR LATER, but it’s true. I have proof about the hetalia joke. It was literally just a joke about my piccrews looking like America. But considering years ago, Peri (and our shared abuser who I dont plan on discussing very much publicly for obvious reasons) were the ones who got me into Hetalia, it hits a very sore spot with me to call me a racist right alongside our shared abuser who would go by japanese names for the ~aesthetic~. And thats the thing throughout all of this - did I do wrong by Peri? Absolutely, and I’m not going to remember everything flawlessly either. I’m not a flawless person and we were friends for like 7 years. But Peri is acting like he’s never done anything wrong in his life.

He also has a pattern of doing this - he accused me and his ex-friend Rainy (me and Rainy are friends) of making fun of our abuser’s art constantly and probably now making fun of Peri’s art constantly (we did make fun of the abuser’s art, but tbh it was gallows humor, and still not something I’m proud of. I have literally never made fun of Peri’s art. In fact, it makes me feel awful that I have a pit in my stomach whenever I see it, because I always enjoyed Peri’s unique art style up until the day we split.) He’s hurt so, SO many other people too. I can think of 13 just off the top of my head. The person who block evaded me to yell at me about something I literally never did? Literally went through the same shit me and Rainy did. Most of these people are not going to like me, and yet I could probably ask for their testimony and it would match my experience very closely, except the key difference being Peri gave up on them already.

Peri talked about me THREE TIMES in the last week (I believe - I didnt check dates and i literally found peri’s account accidentally while going through chicken smoothie. yes, it was my choice to scroll down and look for my name, but i was like, the second post on his tumblr and i was just trying to see if the posts were recent or old bc i thought he was inactive on here.

Here are all of the posts in case he deletes them - sorry I dont have timestamps, he went private so I cant get evidence, obviously.

Admittedly, the last one is pretty understandable, I feel the same way going through my old shit and seeing Peri’s posts/art/etc. But two times after that? But no I’m the one for starting shit, even though I can disprove both of this posts.

For that first post:

1. I didn’t debate shit, I asked a question because I saw a bi woman bring up a good point about why bi women shouldn’t be allowed to use butch/femme. Admittedly, asking your closest (not only! just closest) lesbian friend about all lesbian issues is kind of a dick move, but I was just trying to figure out how to argue against that point so I could support my lesbian friends. Now I realize that it’s wrong of me to bother getting involved on either side and I should just support my lesbian friends and their voices instead of getting directly involved. Yes, I was wrong, but i did not argue with a lesbian about whether or not butch/femme can be used by nonlesbians, I was ASKING A QUESTION.

2. I was trying to be a supportive friend. He was crushing on Rainy - who was identifying as a gay (trans) man at the time by the way, but I only ever see Peri use this as evidence for me being lesbophobic, not homophobic and transphobic. Gee I wonder why? Oh right, it’s because Peri hates Rainy and doesn’t care. Anyways, yes, it was wrong of me. At the time I didn’t understand a lot about comphet so I was just trying to be supportive. I do think I expressed relief when Peri said he and Rainy had broken up and realized their feelings were platonic, as i was confused about the whole situation. I was trying not to gatekeep Peri from his own damn community, because I’m not going to tell him his feelings are invalid when I’m not a lesbian. You cant get mad at me for policing lesbian labels, and then not policing lesbian labels enough- what?? I don’t think I did anything wrong per say in this situation because I was telling white lies to be a good friend but I do know better now and try to emphasize that “and if you find out its comphet and you’re still a lesbian then thats totally valid!!!” and in fact I even think I did that at the time??

Both of these instances (I believe) are buried on an old server that I no longer have access to. It’s possible they still exist. But I didn’t think this thing with Peri would last well over a year later so I didn’t bother documenting any of it. If peri has the screenshots, I would love to see it. This is not sarcasm, I genuinely want to be informed what I did wrong. I have a lot of great friends now and I would hate to hurt them by repeating mistakes I don’t even remember making. I can’t learn if I’m not informed. Once again, this is not sarcasm, irony, or passive aggressive. This is genuine. All I ever asked from Peri was to talk to me.

These are the last messages we exchanged before Peri’s goodbye message. This is what our relationship was like. And do NOT fucking tell me “Peri is clearly uncomfortable” - I’m autistic, Peri is neurodivergent, I do NOT read into subtext. I have an anxiety disorder and will literally never be able to function if I read into everything as passive aggressive. My autism does not excuse abusive behavior - but if you do not tell me about this behavior, which Peri never did, I can never get better. I do not read that “im fine” as a silent plead for me to leave him alone when he literally was always talking about how annoyed he was by people overanalyzing his responses, seeing hostility where there was none, and he specifically said not to read into short replies as anything personal. He said he had compassion fatigue. Which is why I left him be until I had no choice.

The last vent I mentioned said “Shitty friends, shitty friends” on his private twitter. I was worried it was about me and Rainy, because I figured if it wasnt, he would’ve told us who it was about. And he never did. So I’m pretty sure it was about us. After disappearing for the day and making me and Rainy worried that he was suicidal, he sent us this goodbye message in our mutual server (which the only reason i have this is because i sent it to another friend because i didnt know how to feel and needed guidance)

This goodbye letter, despite seeming nice on the surface, blamed the trauma that me and Rainy faced as well as our particular interests for Peri leaving us. One of my boundaries in our friendship was to tell me if anything was wrong so I could improve it and be a better person, and Peri broke that trust. He was absolutely a shitty friend in that regard. But just this goodbye letter I would’ve bought despite being disappointed...if he hadn’t called us shitty before.

By the way, at the time, the only thing I could think this would be about was not trusting Peri’s gut about some randos. Rainy and I wanted to give those people a fair shot, and Peri accused us of not trusting him because of it. You do not get to dictate who your friends do and dont hang out with, and you dont get to guilt trip them for hanging out with someone who has literally done nothing to you except act a little bit too much like our shared abuser Moony, wtf?

Peri also accused me of saying he and Moony were the same, when I did no such thing. Rainy did! And I immediately chastized Rainy for it, clarifying that I thought they were two different beasts entirely.

I forgot what I was talking about uhhh. Oh yeah!

I’m not the one still talking about you over a year later. I’ve moved on. Remove me from your DNFI. I didn’t remove you from mine because I realized I was the abuser and you were the victim - I removed you because I’m fucking done with this situation. I only brought it up with your friend because you LITERALLY BLAMED MY INTERESTS AT THE TIME IN YOUR FAKE-ASS APOLOGY. And what were me and Rainy talking about a bunch at the time? Digimon!! Aka the person who I talked to’s special interest! I told them I would fuck off if they asked and I encouraged them to talk to you about it and have a genuine conversation. Because I, unlike you, am a good person who lets people come to their own conclusions.

Also, you were 2 weeks away from being 16, and I was a few months into being 18. Here are some of our conversations about becoming QPPs!

Should I have entered a QPR with my 7+ year friend who literally shaped me into who I am today when they were almost 16 and I was already several months into being 18? Probably not! But adulthood isn’t just some switch that goes off, and I was a dumbass. Peri’s current GF is apparently being accused of being a predator, or something, according to one of Peri’s other posts? I dont know whats happening because im not! a fucking! stalker! but Peri of all people should know what it’s like to have a small age gap blown into something bigger than it is. Peri and I’s relationship didn’t change a whole lot after becoming QPPs - we were still close friends. But after literally growing up with Peri, I didn’t realize that I needed to enact healthy boundaries with someone so young when they were the one who used to “troll” me when we were kids (AKA pretend to be mad at me or pretend to be someone else and then say “haha just kidding!” just to cause problems).

Peri has clearly built me up to be some kind of villain in his head. And that’s fine, I really don’t care. I go months without thinking of Peri, and he’s just a bad memory whenever I do think of him - well until I found out he’s calling me a pedophile and accusing me of making callouts that I never did and generally has been a pot calling the white marble countertop grey for the past year or so. But I dont care. I DONT CARE.

But if you want me to stop warning people about you, its simple. Stop spreading lies about me. Take my name out of your public vocabulary. Take me and Rainy off your DNFI. I do not think about you, I do not talk to people about you very often, most of my current friends didn’t know the things you did until today because I had no reason to tell them.

For anyone uninitiated - all you need to know is that this person’s tumblr title is “an aphobic [reclaimable slur]” and so by admission they like to harass other minorities for fun. Seriously, you don’t have to be an ace inclusionist or even believe aphobia is real to just be a nice person, what the fuck? This post in particular is extremely telling.

Also they retweeted a post from someone with the username “panphobe” so.

Just a few notes. Hope the asexual who stans a literal stated aphobe gets tired of licking that boot soon. And Peri too. Your obsession with me is more unhealthy to you than it is to me. Just...drop it. I will only add to this if more accusations are thrown my way. I am done with you. You have a repeated behavior of this shit, and I want to add more things but they’re heresay from other people so I don’t feel comfortable adding them. But yeah. Stop hurting people. Stop bullying people and being angry and aggressive for fun. You’re not as cute as you think you are. There’s a reason this shit keeps happening to you. Get better soon.

As for me, I think I’ll spend the next three months going back to forgetting you exist. I liked it there. But you can keep thinking I’m stalking you if you’d like. I have all the proof and evidence I need that you’re a fucking liar right here. And most of your tweets accusing me of shit are deleted too. Now leave me the fuck alone.

PS, even if aroaces arent oppressed, sending them hate messages based on something they cant control is really shitty :) its not like we��re still a minority group or anything! I’m also literally trans, so you’re proving the fact that the bad exclusionists always target other LGBTs who happen to be aspec for their harassment :) but keep it going keep it going, every spiteful message sent to me specifically because im aspec and part of the LGBT community just fuels my agenda.

#stormy speaks #vent #peri #now leave me ALONE

0 notes

melforbes · 7 years ago

Text

Austerity

April 23rd, 2000, 7:00pm

Before Scully opened her front door, he puffed up the flowers - a last-minute purchase, the about-to-close-up clerk at the convenience store cursing him out while Mulder had tried to remember her favorite color - in front of his chest, put on his best I’m an ass face. Recently - or, rather, since they’d started seeing each other, maybe even before then - he’d realized that he had many of those types of faces.

When she opened the door, she stood with her brow furrowed in annoyance - after all, no one else would come by unannounced this late on a Sunday evening - and with her pajamas already on, this pair some kind of dejected pink flannel that the season didn’t require. He could hear her little air conditioning unit, the one that dimmed the lights every half-hour, sputtering on in the living room though they day had been temperate. With her makeup off, her hair beginning to tire, and her big blue eyes full of contempt, he labelled her a hazard and prayed - shit, not the day for that - for redemption.

“Hi,” he said feebly.

“I expected you to show this morning.”

Retreating into the apartment - possibly inviting him in, though he wasn’t so sure of that - she leaned against a kitchen cabinet, her back partially to him. On the table were two little wicker baskets, each old and vaguely Longaberger and filled with saran-wrapped cookies and little foiled chocolates. On the couch, a bunched-up blanket lay, and based on the slight humming in the air, he could tell that the television had been on before he’d arrived.

“I’m an ass,” he managed from the doorway.

Humorlessly, she huffed a laugh, and as he stepped toward her, he shivered, the air conditioning making the place too cold, the night beyond her windows casting them both in uncomfortable darkness. He clicked the door shut behind himself, then stilled for a moment, took in his surroundings; if she wouldn’t budge, then he would, so he stepped into the kitchen, opened a cabinet he knew held a vase. After filling the blown glass with water, he pulled away the plastic wrapping on the bouquet, stuck the flowers inside.

“You’re supposed to trim the ends before you put them in water,” she gave softly, and as he looked to her, he saw beyond the anger, past the quiet grief, and found in her eyes a girlish look of hurt, like he’d kicked her on the playground, like he’d taken her favorite doll and had torn its head off with his bare hands. The thought of having power over someone else still made his hands shake, and while he watched her take a deep breath and sigh it out to herself, he wondered about her thesis, about time travel, about going as far back as he could and rearranging their time together. First, he would’ve kissed her sooner, and second, he would’ve kept his word.

“They’re pre-trimmed,” he said even though he didn’t know if they were.

“Alright,” she digressed, leaning her back against the counter and crossing her arms.

Under her gaze, he stood stock-still, his movements and expressions feeling overanalyzed, and though he could sense that she wanted him to speak, he didn’t know what to say that could mend things, make up for how he’d told her he would be here at seven but neglected to mention that he’d meant the evening, not the morning, or so that was his excuse now that he was stuck in her apartment with two Easter baskets on the table, each one put together by meticulous Catholic hands, both looking heirloom in quality. She’d invited him to church, to her fucking church, and he’d said yes despite himself, despite the nagging thought at the back of his mind that he didn’t do Jesus, despite how he knew he’d need to learn how to use an iron before that Sunday. After mass, they were supposed to go back to her mother’s - Bill and Charlie were in town, and Maggie had bought little plastic eggs to hide for the kids - and have mimosas and whatever sugary treat Scully had given up for lent this year. While he’d intended to have Easter dinner with them, he’d had General Tso’s while he sat on his couch instead.

I’m an ass, he thought to himself as he looked at the decrepit flowers and the baskets surrounding them.

“Why did you come over, Mulder?” she asked, her tone hurt. “I got your message. I’m not sure you need to deliver it in-person.”

My message, he thought. That I’m incapable of any kind of commitment. That your brothers are only going to hate me more over the years. That you're worth more than anything I can offer. That I’m broken and bruised and irreparable, as though I was ever good to begin with. That, ten years down the line, all you’re going to feel for me is nuptial contempt.

Taking a deep breath, he tried, “I came over to apologize.”

At that, she kept her gaze down, sucked in her lips, nodded to herself in agreement with whatever some voice in her head had just blurted. Something about leaving him, he figured. Tonight, he couldn’t hold that against her, found that he even agreed.

She looked up, met his gaze with a wronged woman’s fervor, said, “Then apologize.”

“I’m sorry.”

She huffed a sigh, pointed, said, “You’re an ass, and the door’s over there.”

“Scully-”

“I don’t want to hear excuses because I know none of them will come anywhere near being understandable, and I don’t want to have a long talk about how you...you give me keychains instead, or wherever that could go,” she insisted, and he couldn’t tell if he was shivering from the coldness of the room or from how tears sprung to her eyes. “I asked you to come knowing that it was a big ask and that, if you wanted to say no, you would, but it was just Easter, Mulder! I know it was a big step, but it wasn’t that big of a step! And you told me you would come. You promised, and my mother made sure to set a place for you at our table tonight, and my brothers expected you to be there. You were supposed to be there.”

“Scully, I-”

“My mother even got Melissa’s Easter basket out for you,” she said as though the statement were a threat. “My mom has one for everyone, Mulder, even for the kids and my sisters-in-law, and because she couldn’t scrape a new one together in time for you, she gave you my sister’s. It’s tradition, Mulder, and it matters to me. And you couldn’t even be bothered to show up.”

I deserve this, he thought, and he did. He’d promised but had stayed home anyway. He’d told her he would be there at seven. He’d told her he would press his shirt. He’d told her he would show up.

“I just...” she trailed off, then let a tear slip uncomfortably. “I thought this was worth more to you than what it actually is. And i feel stupid for being wrong.”

“This?” He motioned between them, avoiding the baskets and flowers. “This? Scully, I-”

“Don’t say it,” she insisted with annoyance.

“This means...it means everything to me.”

“Then prove it,” she threatened. “Do something about it. Stop leaving me hanging.”

“I...can.”

“You didn’t today. You had a perfectly good opportunity, but you didn’t take it.”

“You’re right,” he forced. “I didn’t take it. I was a coward, and I screwed up, and I’m sorry.”

Dejectedly, she huffed a breath. He was beginning to hate that little quirk.

“And I’m bound to do it again!” he continued. “You know me, Scully. Next week, I’ll do something like this again, and the week after that, and the week after that, and you’re going to hate me. You’re going to hate my guts, and it’ll be justified because I’m the kind of person who can’t handle church and family and holidays. And I’m trying, Scully, I’m really trying, but-”

“Staying home instead isn’t trying,” she said evenly, dully. “That’s giving up. If you want to give up, then at least have the dignity to tell me.”

He took a deep breath, tried to calm his racing heart, searched desperately for the words that would make this right but found none.

Looking up and meeting his gaze, she said flatly, “I think it would be best if you left.”

Yeah, he agreed, so he nodded to her, slowly peeled himself from the apartment, ran his gaze over every element within here. The rice-paper lamps, the couch that hadn’t been comfortable to sleep on a few years ago when he’d stayed over, the door to her polite little sanctuary of a bedroom, the little shakes of a running fridge. Though they could fight until morning, he knew that, sometimes, he could never do right by his mistakes, that it would take her weeks to trust him again, that, if this was the final straw for her, he would need to understand. Five months without commitment meant something, and though his mind nagged but you’ve been committed to her since the start, he was unable to find a recent example of that beyond taking her to happy hour two Thursdays ago and watching shitty sci-fi movies with her in his apartment. If a Mulder of his past were to see him now, even that sorry asshole would ask man, what the fuck is your problem?

Though he thought about kissing her forehead, about an I love you whispered as he shut the door behind himself, he was silent as he opened the door, as he went to take his leave.

“Take the basket,” she insisted from the kitchen. “I’m sick of looking at it.”

So he left the door ajar, came back under her gaze as he picked up the handwoven and aging heirloom with ulder taped over the engraved elissa on the basket’s front, and while he carried the basket to the door, he glanced back to her, watched her paw at her wet eyes with disdain.

When he finally came outside, the night comfortably cool, his car parked a few feet away, he felt his shoe stick in something, then looked down to see a defenestrated pile of yellow Gerbera daisies littering his path, their stems untrimmed. Taking a deep breath, he stood still, his gaze stuck on the way gusts of wind blew dead petals across the concrete sidewalk, the darkened scene reminding him of overgrown gravestones where people had left a pile of unkempt flowers a few days beforehand out of obligation.

I deserve that, he thought, then headed to his car.

#SHRUG EMOJI!#my writing #BIG OLE SHRUG EMOJI

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