#but anyway maybe I’ll reactivate someday? :~)

[glubbydied]

hi mac! u don’t have to answer this publicly or anything but i noticed u deactived ur ig. i have no idea if u are ever going to reactivate but i wanted to say u were such a fun moot to have. i wish u well on whatever journey life takes u on. take care!

Aw shucks… >_<

[stephantom]

disclaimer: drunk unedited(mostly) star wars nostalgically defensive incoherence. like, super incoherent and unmeaningful.

watched Kenobi. was enchanted, happy, nostalgic, annoyed, frustrated, happy, left with a compulsive need to rewatch the phantom menace and die on the hill that it was a good movie, actually. husband has been saying “yeah maybe someday” for years now whenever i periodically mention that it might be worth rewatching with an open mind but when pressed is now actually refusing lol. it was a good movie actually and i will die on this hill. the backlash (and it was a backlash, not immediate consensus!*) says more about trend-following behavior at a turning point of culture and media in the early 2000s tahn it does about hte movie--it’s all about the birth of, and interaction between, things like franchise corporate machines as the biggest distributors of art, and the exploitation of (but also genuine indulgence in and engagement with) nostalgia (and/or fandom) on a grand scale and that as an ongoing force in collaborative ongoing art franchises, and big viral social media influencers with a cynical/resentful bent as the biggest disseminators of media/art criticism, etc, etc. The characters are good, the actors are good, the effects are good, the music is good, the story is good, even most of the editing is good. the weakest point to me is the dialogue/the script, in my memory, and some editing choices, but even all of that that seems forgivable. i read and enjoyed the novelization at age 13 and all the tie-in books for a reason--there’s a lot of good stuff in there, and so much of it just started with tpm. i’m about to rewatch, so maybe i’ll have a lot of strong caveats i’ll want to say after the rewatch about how, “ok, yes, it’s sort of a bad movie in some ways, sure, but maybe we were really too hard on it” idk. i’m just fired up right now lol.

*roger ebert gave it a positive review before the backlash set in!! (then again, i disagree with plenty of his reactions--he didn’t like my forever beloved original jumanji (1995), for example (although everything he said about it was true enough--he just had different feelings about it all than me as a child viewer then)) anyway uhhhh this has been an unhinged incoherent reactive burst of star wars/tpm love

[viltrumitesuperboy]

Trains Part 2 (Peter Parker x Male Reader)

I feel like I was originally taking this a different direction but somehow I come up with this garbage. Got a few ideas and a few requests, so prepare yourself for some fics.

Part 1 here

Word count: 2128

At some point, you were talking to Peter almost every day, and the same day you had to go into the city for an internship was the same day he had to go. He usually helped with losing track of time, and it got you off your phone for a portion of the day. You learned a lot about each other: he went to Midtown Tech, you went to Stuyvesant. (He'd always ask you about the escalators and you told him about how people get hurt on them. Yikes.) He worked with Tony Stark (who he would call "Mr. Stark"), you worked... not with Tony Stark.

You'd always ask him about Stark Industries, and he would tell you only a little bit every time. He said he only met a few of the Avengers, but he had more stories about Spider-Man. He said that he wanted to bring you to the Avengers Tower someday, and you freaked out to no end.

And he did. You were both on your way to the city, and you were nerding out the whole way there.

"Am I gonna get to meet Mr. Stark?"

"I think so."

"Do you know if I can visit the labs?"

"Maybe."

"What do you do as an intern?"

"Mostly paperwork. I check the levels I have access to for progress in the fields sometimes. And then I work on my own stuff."

As soon as the train doors opened, you and Peter rushed out with a crowd into the busy subway station, and you grabbed his hand to not get lost as you both began to make your way to an exit. You honestly wouldn't mind holding his hand more. You both got out and were walking to the famous tower that you would be entering for the first time.

"Oh my god. This is it. I get to go inside with Peter Parker himself, Tony Stark's intern. If I get to meet Dr. Bruce Banner, that's it. I'm gonna jump out the window," you said.

"No! No jumping out any windows. Come on, you should be in the clear if you stick with me."

Peter pulled you into a lobby you could only ever see from the outside when you passed by the windows. The fact that you were in one of the most famous buildings in the STEM field and in the world left you in awe. Peter tugged at your hand when you slowed down your pace.

"(Y/N), if you cooperate, I'll try to get you a souvenir or something to bring back."

You snapped back into reality and bounded forward to match Peter's quickening strides. As he walked with you past the lobby, he flashed an ID card to the security at the front. His hand squeezed yours when he turned quickly to reach an elevator.

"We're going up to see some of the labs first," he informed you.

"Oh my god, yes!" you whispered. "Can I see your ID card?"

"No."

You took in the entire elevator, looking at every detail of the tiles until the doors opened. Peter's hand awkwardly left yours as he put his ID away in his pocket and pulled out his phone to send a text.

"Dude, I don't think I thanked you enough for doing this. This is by far the coolest thing to ever happen to me. And I've met Spider-Man once!"

Peter laughed at your excitement. The elevator stopped, and he motioned for you to follow as he opened two doors next to each other to show you two of the labs.

"I probably shouldn't show you anything too serious because some of this stuff is really secret. These are just a few things that people are working on," he explained.

You both got closer to the blueprint hologram in the first room, and you stated in awe at the detail and the object in front of you. It was a prototype of a very small display screen that was essentially a computer, and it seemed to be fitted into a pair of glasses.

"I bet Mr. Stark is updating his own so he's testing out something new. Next room!"

After viewing both labs, he brought you to a few more where people were actually working. You got to meet a few scientists who were excited to explain to you what was happening. Peter scanned his card to one with no distinguishing characteristics, not even a plaque. He looked at you and turned the handle.

"This is probably the most important room I have access to, and this is the only one where you can actually touch anything. Don't break anything," Peter said to you with a hint of a smile on his face.

"I swear on my life," you promised.

"Okay, maybe not that severe."

He pushed the door open and gestured you in, closing the door once you were both inside. He scanned his card once more on the empty table, and suddenly hologram screens showed up all over and a door in the wall opened to reveal the one and only Spider-Man suit.

"No. Fucking. Way," you blurted out. "I literally met him on the train and now I'm in the lab for his suit?! This is awesome!"

You stared at the holograms, reading all the information you could about it.

"'Baby Monitor Protocol'? What's that?" you asked, turning to face Peter.

"It's a program to control Spider-Man's full use of the suit's powers. Then he managed to hack it and get it deactivated. Mr. Stark isn't bothering to reactivate it but he reminds Spider-Man to be responsible," he explained.

"Oh my god, are those his web shooters?!"

You walked over to the objects perched on a pedestal next to the suit. You carefully picked them up and gaped at them. You snapped your head up to him, catching a hint of a smile on his face before it was gone.

"Peter. Can I use this?" you asked, begging him with your eyes.

"I'll show you how, but don't tell anyone."

He picked it up and placed it on his wrist, aiming at a wall and pressing the button like Spider-Man would, hitting the wall in a web. He took it off and placed it on yours, standing right next to you as he lifted your wrist to aim at the wall.

"Your middle and index finger press that," he instructed, taking a step back.

You pressed the button and the shooter released a web on the wall right on top of Peter's shot. You spun to face Peter with an excited expression, to which he laughed then took it off your wrist.

"This is pretty much all I can show you for the labs. I'll see if we can talk to Mr. Stark."

You both left Spider-Man's lab and went back to the elevator. He pressed a button for a higher floor.

"That was so cool. Oh my god. How do you guys make the webs?"

"Spider-Man makes the web fluid himself. He keeps it to himself but I think he has his own notes for that."

The elevator was fast, and the doors were open as soon as Peter finished speaking. He motioned you to follow him, which you did with wandering eyes. Then Tony Stark himself walked out of a hallway, and your jaw dropped as Peter waved to him.

"Mr. Stark! This is my friend, (Y/N). He's the one I met on the train a while ago," said Peter excitedly. "I took him to see some of the labs. (Y/N), this is Mr. Stark."

You had no time to become starstruck because Tony Stark himself started to bombard you with questions.

"You go to Stuyvesant?"

"Uh, yeah."

"I have a friend there. You know the AP physics teacher on the 4th floor?"

"I don't have him but I think I know who you're talking about."

"Great. I'm busy, so I want you to take this to him. He's a little crazy. It's just a few problems in some things we're doing in the labs and I wanted him to take a look."

He handed you a folder held with a binder clip and gave you the firmest handshake you ever received in your life. He pat Peter on the shoulder as he left. You turned to Peter with eyes comically wide and your jaw dropped.

"Peter. What the fuck. Tony Stark just gave me something to deliver," you gasped. "This is the best day of my life!"

"I thought that was when you got to talk to Spider-Man," he chuckled. "And trust me, I still freak out a bit when I see Mr. Stark.

"Well, sorry, dude. If I got to meet Dr. Bruce Banner today, that's it. I'm jumping out that window."

Peter laughed and let you put the folder in your bag. You headed back towards the elevators and you clutched the straps of your bag like it was your life.

That Friday afternoon, you ended up helping that "crazy teacher" with the science stuff, and a few pictures sent to Peter got half of them done in an hour. He was definitely an interesting teacher but, as smart as he was, you couldn't understand a lot of his mumbling. You told him you'd come back tomorrow because you had to meet a friend today. He agreed and let you keep the folders with him.

You reached Peter's apartment to hang out with him before dinner at his place, and he opened the door for you with a smile.

"I have to show you something," he said excitedly.

He let you in and you shut the door, barely having time to take your shoes off before he pulled you towards his room.

"Okay, look at my computer."

You looked at him, confused, and slowly walked over to his computer.

"Why are you showing me Club Penguin?" you laughed. "I mean we play together anyway. Is that Ned?"

He quickly switched to an opened email, moving to show you the screen with a blush on his face. You leaned in to see tickets for Comic-Con later in the year, courtesy of Tony Stark. Happy emailed him, explaining that he told Tony everything that Peter texted him about. Tony said that he wanted to buy tickets for Peter and his friends because of Peter's claimed money issues. You let out a laugh in disbelief and turned to hug Peter tightly.

"This is amazing, Peter!" you exclaimed. "I've wanted to go for so long. Can we dress up or something?"

"Actually, I've been planning to do Star War Characters? I've been saving up," Peter suggested.

"Or... we can be Star Wars characters and you can be Spider-Man," you smirked.

"I- uh- what?" Peter stuttered. "I don't even have-"

"You know, I wasn't too sure if you were Spider-Man or not. I mean, Spider-Man talking to me and then a teenager who suddenly talks to me on the train? But the internship, having access to Spider-Man's lab, and the ID card that clearly showed you were Spider-Man... I think Tony Stark should fix that."

"I'm not Spider-Man!" Peter exclaimed.

"I'm sure you have a lot of good proof and your alibis are great, but your closet is wide open."

You both turned to look at his Spider-Man suit hanging on top of the rod in his closet.

"It would make the people there happy," you said. "And the kids would love it."

"I just wanted to spend time with you there. I kind of really like you and I wanted us to have a first date there," he sheepishly mumbled.

"What, we didn't already have a first date at the Avengers Tower?" you joked.

He smiled and pulled his ID out of his bag, turning it over a few times.

"I should get this changed with Mr. Stark. I guess putting 'Spider-Man' right on an ID card isn't the best idea," he chuckled.

A few months later, he went to Comic-Con as Spider-Man. His Luke Skywalker outfit was in your bag when he was done parading around as the friendly neighbourhood hero. The kids definitely loved it. Comic-Con was probably the coolest second date you've ever been on. You and Peter ended up sharing a first kiss with him hanging upside down from the ceiling and hidden from the public eye.

And he ended up showing you his new ID card: the same photo with his name and not the superhero one, his title (intern) and mini googly eyes attached to the front, courtesy of Mr. Stark as punishment for "lack of appreciation."

[beyondthetemples]

Multimuse RP questions!

{{ I couldn’t figure out which RP blog to stick these on (since I have like. nine), so I figured I’d just skip to the Answering Part over here. =w=

Found here: https://memesfortheroleplayerssoul.tumblr.com/post/163688858676

is there a muse that you wish gets more attention? Honestly? Dove. There are a couple of people who've said they love reading about her, and I'm so absolutely eternally delighted for them, too deeply appreciative for words! A couple friends I met via rping her, and a couple friends I met in Certain discord servers, but that's about it anymore. But she's my baby, you know? I love her, she's amazing, and I wish more people took the time to write stories with her, because she just has so much potential! I mean, yeah, for angst of course, but also for healing and comfort, for action and fantasy, for mystical and mundane plots alike. She's so multi-faceted and fascinating to explore, I just... well, maybe it's more selfish in that I need help exploring some of the more mundane stuff with her. Because if it doesn't really Have Relevance to a Particular Plot, I generally won't wind up writing it, let alone publishing it. :P But this answer's already too long; I could rave about Dove for hours! All I'm trying to say is, I wish more people cared about OCs.

if you HAD to choose, who’s your favorite muse? Favorite to RP with? Far and away, Dove! Favorite for crack RPs, Srentha or Leyla. Favorite canon character is a GIGANTIC toss-up between Raven and Lapis. Favorite characters to explore for personal reasons are Ryou Bakura and Blue Diamond, but I have a hard time bringing myself to actually WRITE about them, for some reason...

is there a muse that not a lot of people roleplay with? (Besides the ones I haven't advertised? ^^';;) Maybe Phobia? She has only ever existed in comic canons-- though she WAS in the Teen Titans Go comics too! (The original series, not the... bastardization). Anyways, she's a much lesser-known muse. And my muse for her is wildly unreliable, she's a volatile and abrasive character, and my inspiration for her has run dry for awhile now...

if you HAD to choose, who’s your least favorite muse? Phobia. o_o See above, actually.

which one of your muses have you been playing the longest? Prooobably Dove? She was the one I started rping with, of course!

which one of your muses has the most ships? Ships in their canon, or ships in my rps? Because you're talking to a demigray here; I don't really do romance? But in my stories, Dove has 3 ships (all at different times in her life). In rps, Dove has been kinda-contemplating-it shipped a couple times, but never got to the point of, you know, kissing... and in fandom, Lapis probably has the most.

what is each of your muses’ otps? notps? ~ Dove and Srentha together~ (Don't have notps for them.) ~ Kary: food? sleep? Her canon boyfriend Eric ~ Leyla has a qpp named Toby in the stories. ~ Raven: I'm demonbirds trash. I don't even know how that happened, honestly. (Notps include B|BRae and, while not as strong of a NO in the jlvtt canon, ter/raven.) ~ Lapis Lazuli: OTP with Peridot! Intensely notp with jasper. ~ Blue Diamond: OTP with Yellow hardcore, no notps to speak of. ~ Phobia: Utterly unexplored??? I think she voluntarily abstains. ~ Ryou: OTP with Joey (thank my girlfriend for that one)! Notp with Yami Bakura, it’s absolutely 100% possibly my most violently-disgusted NOtp yet. Also with Diva because... What The Fuck??? But I won't rant about that just now. ~ Jess: I haven't really done much shipping, though Mistress and Trick are a hella canon, deeply bonded breeding couple. ~ Evangeline? Sorta-OTP with my gf's character Taex, though it's not exactly a ~romantic~ dynamic. Notp with Srentha, probably, considering she'd try to kill him, given the chance, and she’s pissed at Dove for marrying him.

why were you drawn to each one of your characters? Okay, listen, you can't just ask something like this and expect an easy answer! I could write an Actual Legitimate Essay on EACH ONE, because I only write a character when I'm Extremely Highkey Personally Emotionally Inspired by them!

UPDATE: I tried to summarize, I really did! But there's just so MUCH, and it turned into an essay on its own. --> https://beyondthetemples-ooc.tumblr.com/post/189837029682/why-were-you-drawn-to-each-one-of-your-characters

Summaries go like this: Dove is brave, complex enough to delve deeply in and constantly discover new facets of, and inspiring enough to create a positive experience while doing so. Srentha is fun, positive, and passionate, and legitimate ADHD representation. Leyla is a chill miracle child of creativity and quiet passion. Raven is the reason I'm still alive and perfectly reflected me at about age 14, so I have a very deep personal connection to her. Kary is so fun to explore because she's my polar opposite, as a temperamental pyrokinetic who revels in chaos and really just wants to have a good time. Evangeline is everything Dove suppresses, brought to life, so she's fun to explore as an extension of Dove! Lapis has a lot of struggles to explore and has done a lot of healing and growth that I'd like to expand on someday. Blue Diamond and Ryou Bakura were basically literally me, so I can explore the trauma and healing from their perspectives in a safe space. And Phobia? I just wanted to put characters' mettle to the test honestly, and see what would happen.

which muse is the most fun to write for? Oh, Srentha, absolutely hands down! Dove does have the best close-friends casual-fun kind of rp relationships, though. And Mistress the Mismagius has this sardonic teasing sense of humor that always makes me smile, especially with Murky (Murkrow).

is there another muse you’ve been thinking of adding or writing for? who? Oh stars, I don't need another one. =w= I've been... struggling to get my Ryou blog actually up and running for a long while now. Nobody new has inspired me lately, but I'm pretty stuck in my fandom ways.

what is something everyone should know about your muses before interacting? I stick it all in their bios! But, let's see... Dove: Even though she's Raven's half-sister, she keeps it DESPERATELY hidden, and nobody IC is supposed to know about that. Srentha is very deeply rooted in Azarathean pacifism and won't do much in battle besides help people retreat. Leyla has her father's heart condition and can't do anything too active. Kary will rarely use her powers, as conjuring even a simple spark stings her scar badly. Lapis is more than her toxic relationship! Blue Diamond is NOT the dictator she once was! Ryou does NOT want the spirit of the millennium ring in his life anymore! Jess just... sticks mostly to Sinnoh and rarely ever leaves. And Evangeline has a palpable evil aura about her; she makes SURE of it.

what’s a weird headcanon you have for each of your muses? Dove hates pie. Srentha loves colorful things. Leyla will cover everything in glitter if you let her. Kary will do anything for some good food and/or a nap. Ryou's hair is untamable. Lapis doesn't guard her gem as carefully as she should. Blue Diamond may be more emotional, but she won't sing about it as frequently as other Gems. Raven... doesn't wear underwear?

which muse has the most aus or verses? I mean, the Lapis I was writing for was 97% canon divergent. Evangeline only exists as her own person (and not merely a partition of Dove's mind) in a DCUO-compatible timeline. But I don't really do aus or verses otherwise; it's just more stressful for me.

can you sort your muses from youngest to oldest? Sorting based on the ages I'll generally play them: Leyla (8-14), Dove (15-25), Kary (18+), Ryou (19+), Srentha (20+), Jess (22+), Phobia (23+), Lapis (5k+), Blue Diamond (10k+).

which muse is most willing to fight another muse? Oh, definitely Kary. (She won't fight Dove or Leyla, even if there's a really good reason. And Srentha has this weird power of defusing her. But anyone else, she can easily be provoked to fight on a dime.) Or maybe Evangeline, who will fight anyone at any time for any reason whatsoever?

do your muses get along with each other? Evangeline gets along with nobody. Dove/Srentha/Leyla are all a very tight-knit family, and Kary considers herself Dove's sister and Leyla's aunt. I've thought about what might happen if Lapis met Blue Diamond, but I don’t have the faintest idea of how that'd go? I did start an RP once where Lapis met Dove, and I planned to have them bond over homesickness and purpose-seeking, but then I lost the ehd I had that prewritten on, and never had the heart to try rewriting it. Ryou and Jess kinda exist in their own universe's bubble. (Jess has a whole cast of Pokemon creature muses she very much gets along with, though~)

would you ship any of your muses together? who? Dove and Srentha are hella-canon endgame already, that's been decided for like 12 years!

for each muse, is there a character you wish had a blog so you could interact with them? You know, I've never really been one much for wishing like that. I do wish Dove had a stable Raven again, since both of my all-time favorite Raven rpers have left the rp circle... but that's about it, really.

have you ever considered making a multimuse/is it easier having a multimuse? I mean, my Pokemon blog has like 19 muses built into the breeding center... 8F But no, I prefer to keep my drafts, rps, and tag systems for each muse on separate sideblogs. Tumblr's tags break WAY too often to shove them all in one place. (And with a sideblog, I don't have to log in and out every time I want to check for replies!)

which muse is the most problematic towards other muses? Toss-up between Phobia and Evangeline, obviously. Blue Diamond is a reformed Gem, the way I play her. (I don't care what anyone says, THAT'S CANON as HELL too!) But Evangeline actively goes out of her way to hurt and/or sacrifice people to her own ends,

which muse is most likely to make new friends? Probably Leyla, though now that SU has sent out a message across the Gem universe that Gems are welcome on Earth, Lapis could wind up meeting quite a lot of new acquaintances. It's much harder to befriend her, though. Srentha has a lot of charismatic energy too, and he’ll go out and make friends with anyone, given the chance.

which muses’ fandom do you like the best? Ahhh, don't make me CHOOSE like that! ;; Fandom like being a fan of them, or fandom like, liking the other people in the fandom? Because Steven Universe, Teen Titans, and YuGiOh all have incredibly special places in my heart, while having Their Issues amongst the fandom... Pokemon seems to be the best mannered fandom though, especially amidst the RP community.

is there someone playing the same muse/s as you and you really look up to them? Ohgosh, well there's a blog called, I think, melancholeyes?, that plays Blue so well, it's like reading canon scenes. I did see a blog that played a Ryou I respected, but I can't remember their name... and of course Larissa and Pix played great Ravens, but each a different version.

which muse do people send the most asks for? Probably Dove, thanks in large part to Caleb!

which muse is most likely to have kids? Leyla is already Dove's kid, so... 8F

is there a rule that someone keeps breaking for your muses? Not to my knowledge, but my rules aren't strict anyways.

can you sort your muses from weakest to strongest? ...Oh, stars. How am I supposed to sort them? Well, let's try this.

Weakest to strongest in combat (based on their style of choice): Ryou, Leyla, Srentha, Phobia, Evangeline, Jess, Kary, Dove, Lapis, Blue Diamond, Raven. ( * i switched raven and blue diamond around SO many times. both are immensely powerful with god-like abilities, but raven can literally destroy reality itself. so...)

Weakest to strongest by strength of heart and character: Phobia, Evangeline, uh... Kary? Srentha...? Uh... frICK THIS ONE'S HARD. Because they're all so strong in their own ways. Probably Leyla? Next tier is probably Blue, Lapis, and Jess, and Dove, Raven, and Ryou are highest tier.

which muse are you considering deleting? Phobia, and maybe sometimes Blue. (I actually... never got a single RP or follower on Blue. I'm still debating if I really WANT to rp as her, at least on Tumblr, knowing how toxic the fandom can get around the Diamonds...)

most importantly, are you having fun playing each one of your muses? Pretty much! Especially Dove, Srentha, Leyla, and Raven!~ Raven's wit and clipped verbiage can be tricky to for me sometimes, but all it takes is a little tlc on her dialogue, and it doesn't slow down my enjoyment one bit. :} And when I'm in a Pokemon-hyperfocus mood, writing the Pokemon team is ALWAYS a blast! (Especially the Pokemon; their personalities are so dynamic together.) With muses like Lapis and Blue, and even Kary, the mood for their emotionality waxes and wanes, but I don't write for them unless I'm in The Right Frame of Mind to KEEP UP with them, you know? I never push myself in an rp until it's not fun anymore; at least I know where my writing burnout limits are.

Phobia and Evangeline are both sadistic, and when you're a compassionate person, that can be very hard to write out in the painstaking detail of my style. But sometimes my mind just Won't Shut UP about 'Vangie unless I WRITE IT OUT. Which is a good exercise of course, stretching my horizons and all that, and I do love writing the drama and conflict they stir up.

But beyond the momentary discomforts, I'm just so eager to explore their lives and minds and adventures, so yes, I absolutely DO have fun writing for each and every one!

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

Taking personal responsibility

I recognize and acknowledge that I was thinking critically about, writing critically about, and intentionally withdrawing from my relationship with N for weeks before she discarded me.

Looking back on my own words between August 10th (the day I realized I needed to withdraw) and September 9th (the day she blocked me), I can see how she could have FELT criticized. The criticism I felt, however, was toward myself for adoring her and wanting her, despite (or more accurately BECAUSE of) her emotional unavailability, intermittent reinforcement, and charm. I can also see how she might have felt shamed and abandoned. Shaming and abandonment were not my intentions.

My intention was to be fully realistic with myself so I would hopefully listen to my own sense of reason and hopefully stop wanting more than I could have with her. I can see how she both misunderstood and understood my intentions.

I’m not sure yet what apology to send out to the universe beyond the incomplete one I already gave her, which was “I’m sorry you felt dishonored by my words. Dishonoring you would never be my intention.” I’ll be reflecting on an apology that would feel more complete and responsible to me.

I recognize and acknowledge that I was the one to end the relationship (having decided to not see her for an undetermined/indefinite period of time) even though I had not yet communicated that clearly to her (and might not have ever been comfortable communicating that clearly if she hadn’t discarded me).

It is my intention to add to this post as I recognize more about my own responsibility in and for the ending of that relationship.

All this said, I realize that me accepting responsibility for my part is the cocreation of that unhealthy relationship dynamic does not excuse the fact that her words in the end were dismissive and her action (blocking without explanation) was abusive, whether or not abuse was her intention. Would she say the same about my words and actions in the end? Perhaps. I acknowledge that she might.

Accepting responsibility for my part also does not change the fact that she manipulated me throughout the duration of our relationship, whether or not manipulation was her intention.

In the end, I somehow managed to prioritize my health over my love for her and over my obsession with her. By divine grace, I managed to do this even as my body cried and screamed for her. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a way to prioritize my health AND stay in relationship with her, because there wasn’t a way to be found. Throughout that relationship I was reenacting trauma, and maybe she was too. My apology will include that.

That re-enactment is done. She discarded me by divine grace. By divine grace I recognized the discard as abuse, and I called a permanent ending. By divine grace, I’m coming to see my own responsibility in that dynamic and its end.

By divine grace, I will love her forever, even as the limerence ends and the trauma heals. I feel no animosity toward her. And at the same time, I recognize that I can’t allow her to touch me again and I can’t be in relationship with that chaos 🌪.

Addendum: Shame

I feel shame about not clearly communicating my feelings and needs in the relationship. I recognize I tried, and my attempts were met with various forms of resistance. The first time I made the request, it took her 5 weeks to find time to meet with me. Then she tried to overwrite my reality and explain away the intensities I expressed to her (limerence, agitation, fear) as religious experiences rather than a problem within the relationship dynamic. That overwriting my reality with her own explanation/understanding happened on a few occasions (each time I expressed those feelings). The trouble was I didn’t fully understand what was going on until September (i.e. trauma re-enactment). I couldn’t make sense of my reality, let alone explain it to her.

I feel shame about not communicating to her that her empty promises (“over-promising” as she later called it) needed to stop. If I had set this boundary back in April when I first realized that most of her promises were empty ones, this might have changed the course of the relationship. That said, my limerence at that point was intense (because of my inner response to her charming behaviors including the false promises). I suspected that if I told her that I needed reliability and asked her to please only make plans with me if she knew she could follow through, then the result of that conversation would be her never making plans with me, and me never seeing her. I recognized the chaos in her life and the limits of her capacity.

I feel shame about withdrawing to an extent from the relationship in August without communicating my intentions. Those intentions were to not interact with her Facebook and not see her until I could figure out how to shift my feelings for her and get off the emotional roller coaster of flying-certain-uncertain-impossible-deflated). I recognize that communicating those intentions and the reason I needed to withdraw, might have changed the course of the relationship.

That said, I did try to explain myself in a note to her on my birthday, and she didn’t have the capacity to hear what I was saying. She took the note as a criticism of her rather than the open vulnerability with which it was intended. Despite recognizing her lack of capacity for understanding and her overwhelm with her own life, I feel shame that I wasn’t able to communicate my intentions clearly. I could have stated directly that I wasn’t going to be interacting with her anymore and why. But I didn’t. I really didn’t want that to be true. If I told her, that would make it true.

I feel shame about expressing on Facebook some of the insights that I acquired in that birthday communication with her. Even though I said nothing about her, even though her account was deactivated at the time, even though freely expressing my insights was exactly what I used my Facebook for, I still feel shame about this because she was upset when she saw those posts later. She felt criticized and dishonored. I made those posts for ME. It was important to me to express the truth of my understanding. I could have expressed my insights directly to her. If I had done so, that might have changed the course of the relationship.

That said, I didn’t want to express them to her. I recognized she didn’t have the capacity to hear them. I had already bared my soul to her on my birthday, and she didn’t acknowledge my experience nor did she even wish me happy birthday. I already understood at that point that she didn’t have the capacity to meet my basic needs in friendship and that we wanted different things, i.e. there was a lack of compatibly of needs. I was already understanding that the relationship was over by MY choice. Posting those insights solidified my understanding. Her discard cemented my understanding.

I feel shame about my unwillingness to “mend” the relationship in the future and shame about communicating that to her (that communication upset her such that she immediately blocked me again). I knew expressing that would upset her. I did it anyway to communicate my boundary, and draw a permanent end to the relationship. The bottom line is I don’t want to repair a relationship with someone who manipulated and abused me, even if those weren’t her intentions. I don’t want to repair a relationship that held a toxicity for me from the beginning. I don’t want to repair a relationship that was a trauma re-enactment rather than a friendship. I don’t want to repair a relationship with someone I experience to be a narcissist.

I feel shame that I kept seeing her once I recognized the relationship dynamic was unhealthy and I recognized I was experiencing trauma in the relationship. I understand the addictiveness was a function of the toxic dynamic/attachment trauma.

I recognize in each moment of that relationship I did the best I could at the time. I tried as best as I could to balance compassion for her with my own needs. In the end my needs finally came first.

The relationship revealed to me that I had been experiencing trauma re-enactment, not just with her, but in past relationships and behaviors as well. It revealed my CPTSD. It revealed how my attraction to manipulation (i.e. charm, emotional unavailability, and intermittent reinforcement) stems from relational trauma in my early life attachments, especially with my mom. Through that relationship with N, I came to embrace and celebrate my sexuality, whatever it may be. That relationship set me on a path to choose to grow a conscious understanding of God.

That relationship came into my life through divine grace. It was full of divine grace. And it ended through divine grace. That understanding eases my feelings of shame for not doing it perfectly and not being able to “make it work.”

I send this apology out into the universe. Perhaps I’ll be able to offer it in person someday.

Dear N,

I’m reaching out to apologize for contributing to suffering with my words and actions. I know you’re busy with the important work of your life. This message is here if ever you have time and desire to read it. There is no need to respond if you don’t wish to respond. I don’t want any more time to pass before offering you my sincere apologies.

I’m sorry the insights I expressed on Facebook had the effect of you feeling criticized. My intentions were to reflect, think critically, and be realistic with myself in the hope that I would stop wanting more connection than I could have with you. I’m sorry I didn’t anticipate how you might feel if you reactivated your account and read my written reflections. I can understand how seeing those may have caused you pain.

I understand I was reenacting trauma in my relationship with you. This was unconsciously done. Until late September, I didn’t even understand what had been happening. Through recovery work, I’ve learned that trauma reenactment is an effect of attachment injury and a sign of CPTSD.

I should not have pursued a new friendship with anyone until at least 6 months to a year after being discarded in that prior relationship. I don’t regret the time you and I spent together. I apologize for not waiting the recommended amount of time for my nervous system to heal after years in that prior relationship (in which I was reenacting the trauma I experienced during the political activism... which was reenacting the relational trauma in my family of origin... in which my mom was reenacting her childhood trauma... and so on). I’ve come to understand that changing this 🌪 pattern in my lineage is currently my soul’s purpose.

I apologize for starting to withdraw from our friendship in August without communicating to you my intention. My intention was to not see you until I could shift my feelings and get off the emotional roller coaster I had been experiencing since February: flying(when I was with you)-certain-uncertain-impossible-deflated(most of the time). Each time before seeing you, I was terrified and thrilled because I knew the roller coaster would start over again. At the time I didn’t know why I was terrified, I just knew I was very afraid. The pattern of brief highs and protracted lows was torturous for me. I understand the pattern was an effect of the trauma reenactment. Reenacting trauma in that way (limerence) can be so painful and feel so inescapable that some people commit suicide.

I didn’t want my intention (to not see you) to be true, and if I communicated it to you, that would have cemented its truth. Right up until the end, I kept trying to think of another way. For months, I’ve understood that you and I have different needs in friendship, and our needs aren’t compatible, but I kept trying to make a friendship work because my feelings for you of love and shared interests were very genuine. I apologize for not accepting the reality of the situation much sooner. I understand that trying to make impossible situations work is a pattern of my nervous system, an effect of my attachment injuries. I’m working to heal those injuries, and I’m changing that pattern.

I recognize my decisions contributed to the ending of our friendship. I apologize for any suffering that may have caused you. I’m sorry if my unwillingness to try to mend our connection in the future brought you additional pain. With those decisions, I prioritized my needs over the powerful desire I had for us to be in relationship and over my thought for your feelings.

I apologize for not clearly communicating to you my feelings and needs throughout the months we were in relationship. The more I value a relationship, the harder it is for me to express my feelings and needs. This is an effect of my early life attachment trauma and a challenge I’m facing in recovery.

I’m grateful to have been in relationship with you and for the profound awareness that has come to me through that soul work. I care dearly about you and your family. That will not change. I’m deeply sorry it couldn’t work for us to continue in relationship. I’m still grieving that reality. I’m sorry for not communicating that to you directly and for causing suffering. It is my ongoing hope for your life to be full of joy.

***

Reasons I’m not sending this apology:

The apology feels disingenuous, like a manipulation of the truth, like when I was forced as a kid to apologize for actions that weren’t my fault.

It’s unwise to be vulnerable with someone who discarded (abused) me, showed no remorse for doing so, and showed no empathy for me when I reached out to her compassionately before and after the discard.

Divulging my experience with reenacting trauma in the relationship is an intimate and vulnerable confidence, and she and I are not confidantes. I don’t trust her because she manipulated and abused me, and I want no relationship with her now or in the future. It’s not wise to talk about trauma reenactment and CPTSD with anyone I don’t trust.

As of our last contacts in September, she seemed emotionally unstable and did not have the capacity to hear me. Realistically I doubt she’d have had the time, space, or interest in receiving an apology. My feeling is that the message would be a burden to her. My feeling is that she detached from our relationship the way she did from her 3 former marriages and anyone else she has ever broken up with in her life. My feeling is she felt some degree of responsibility herself and/or animosity toward me for a while and then chalked the experience up to karma and the control of the god/universe to avoid any feeling of shame, abandonment, etc. My feeling is she probably wrote me off and has hardly thought of me since I hid myself on messenger or she’s not thought of me at all.

I don’t think she’s a pathological narcissist, but I experienced her to be a narcissist: love bombing, empty/broken promises, seduction, lack of concern for my feelings and needs, emotional unavailability, intermittent reinforcement (*sometimes* getting back to me, *sometimes* showing up), feelings as facts, and discard. With narcissists, no contact is the wisest choice for me.

The only thing I actually did “wrong” in that relationship was to stay in it long after I noticed red flags. I recognized our needs aren’t compatible, and I continued trying to make the relationship work. Those aren’t actions I need to apologize to her for in order to make amends. I can simply make amends by continuing to work daily on my nervous system so I will be able to pay attention to red flags when they show up in future relationships, and so I will no longer try to make impossible situations/fantasy relationships work.

By staying in the relationship I cocreated that unhealthy dynamic, but I actually didn’t “cause” her suffering. She FELT criticized, and I can see how she may have felt that way, but I actually didn’t criticize her. There’s no need to apologize for truthful insightful expression on Facebook that was inspired by my conversation with her, but that didn’t malign her or even mention her, and that I didn’t expect her to see because her account was deactivated. If a truth hurts, a person can choose to ask themselves why it hurts. Eviscerating the truth teller doesn’t change the truth. This is why she discarded me and this is what I feel shame about. But if there had been space in the relationship to tell her my insights I would have gladly done so. The only person’s suffering I actually “caused” was my own with the self-torture of staying in a relationship dynamic that was reenacting trauma.

I actually tried several times to communicate my feelings and needs. There just wasn’t space for me to do so, even on my birthday. On the occasions when I did so anyway, she minimized my feelings, brushed them aside, tried to overwrite my reality, openly said she didn’t have time to hear me, and/or she didn’t actually have the capacity to hear me. I don’t need to make amends to her for not communicating my needs clearly. I tried. I will continue with recovery work so I can keep growing my capacity to express my feelings and assert my needs with anyone.

I’m actually not sorry for ending the relationship or refusing to mend it in the future. There is no need to apologize for putting my needs first in my relationships. I can’t take responsibility for her feelings.

I realize the shame which lingers in me regarding that relationship is not healthy guilt. I really did nothing wrong, but I feel badly anyway. I’m pretty sure it’s toxic shame that’s connected to my early life attachment trauma, and is not actually about N. Repairing those injuries and releasing that shame is why I’m doing recovery work.

[schaffas]

🖊 asuka and eran :0 ... and quin... hehehe

ricky, providing as usual... 

thats Two of my murder boys and one good one,,, one of the only ones.. under a cut bc i really am just going off, huh 

fffuuunnnyy story, asuka is actually (heavily) based on vhawks.. he’s the one that i slapped vhawks onto when i decided i liked him too much to keep him as a bnha rp character.. he does have a couple things changed abt him tho!!! #1 he Obviously doesn’t have wings and that... kind of does affect him Big Time aaand #2 his Tragic Backstory will be ... a lot better than hawks’ and also very different... 

i actually wanted to play with some of the dynamics that hawks has in the rp, so i do have characters that are loosely (looooosely... very loosely...) based off of people in his life.. im playing with the idea of putting danny in the younger brother position (kisses mono), particularly because i think it would be interesting to tie asuka into quin & rins arc (holy shit!) but i’ll talk abt that when i get to quin.. my baby... the loml... 

also G is definitely a character who came from me wanting to replicate someone in asukas life being above him and being someone they’re desperate for approval from among other things... except g spiralled the FUCK out of control and is now just a fucking mess and ... hoo.... hoooooooo.... i love them they’re.... HOO. . . i’ll talk abt them someday... 

eran is ,, stupid rich murder baby... there’s a few different parts of his family... he’s rins stupid idiot cousin, and rins area ISNT the most wealthy (because his fathers a fucking idiot)  but erans IIIISSSSSSS.... but i wont get into that because i don’t have it all sorted... 

my FAVOURITE eran fact is that he 100000% tries to at least significantly maim someone at every family reunion, and he always ALWAYS manages to start a fight. one year he starts one with one of my wonderful beautiful girls athena and gets his ass beat by her... that’s what he deserves. 

eran likes to be very high and mighty a lot... he has a big superiority complex and that would be FINE if he had traits to make it like... justifiable? he’s generally pretty average for the resources he had. yes he WAS academically successful, but also he had access to... all of the tutors and private lessons and private schools and private everything... all of it.. in the world. that was VERY MUCH expected of him, and he lived up to it, because he had to and he had nothing better to do. but aside from that he doesn’t have any particular talents? unless being an idiot counts? 

he’s disconnected emotionally unless it’s his emotions. like he can’t connect that he feels this anger so the other person feels the same anger. it doesn’t happen. and it makes him very..!! disconnected in every single way... i’m not sure if he even cares tho... he’s prolly just like :/ haha oh well, guess i’m just better than them because i’m not so over reactive..  his parents didn’t like it a whole lot because they figured he’d be the next successful leader but they didn’t want such a confused kid who didn’t understand peoples needs being the Leader... so they moved on to his siblings... of which i will some day figure out... altho he definitely has sisters.. i know that.

so, anyways, i made a WHOLE oc just for him to bond with, and that’s D and someday i might give him a name but atm i dont care enough. anyways, D surrounds himself with red neon signs and after they start Working Together, because erans bored and decides visiting ... big crime areas would be a good idea and it turns into a BIG FUCKING MESS, eran is like... exiled. and he whines for 5 minutes before turning around and going back to being to wonderful murder boy he was always meant to be... 

also he has bright red hair. 

and QUIN my baby boy, the light of my life, the wonderful beautiful kid, who has a name that switches rapidly between two n’s and one n, and also who bleaches his hair because he’s jsut so stupid... he never fixes his roots either... dumbass.

QUINS A BASKETBALL PLAYER, he’s big and tall and lanky and happy and !!! generally really pleasant ! he’s dannys best friend in the world and they’re In Gays or whatever, maybe, not really but IN SPIRIT.... 

he comes into the story Big Time because of involvement with Rin and his big thing with... doing whatever he’s doing idfk anymore.. but they are ??? a partnership of sorts. which is what makes having danny and asuka know each other interesting! D and G are both involved with each other, specifically because of clashing personalities and views and everything, and they hate each other SO FUCKING MUCH!!! and it’s just wonderful, they hang out a lot. so asuka and eran would, inevitably, end up meeting. of fucking course the entire family is widely known-when asuka meets eran it wouldn’t be a secret that he’s the family outcast (bro they have like 12 family namejshgfd) and he’d KNOW he’s related to rin, and then danny and quin would talk and they’ve just... got nice connections with each other...its sexy. (danny and quin knwing Lots of family secrets and how that’d mess w quins view on rin andddd... how rin would feel if he found out his perfect lil cohort was hanging out with his awful evil cousin.... oh yes.... )

anyways quin has a nice arc which i want to keep somehow where wings literally uhhh grow out of his back very very violently and its gory and gross and painful and it ruins him and idk how i’ll incorporate it but i’ll fucking do it! watch me! he’s perfect and has never done a single thing wrong in his life ever. 

[newidaho]

20.  An Invitation at Sky High

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4 January 2055   ///   1200h

Sky High, the most prestigious of the three high schools in New Idaho, is located on the eastern edge of the city, just west of Perimeter Road.  Since the school wasn’t actually on the Ring itself, some disputed the name “Sky High”.  When addressing these naysayers, the student body would point out that not only was everything in this town technically in the sky, there was also a well-travelled trail you could take from the Sky High soccer fields up to the top of Sky Mountain, one of the more promintent peaks on the Ring.

Keeping with the aeronautical theme, the mascot of Sky High was the hippogriff.  Although slightly more inventive than the Jungle High Jaguars or the Mountain High Cougars, this mascot was still scoffed at by rivals.  Those at Sky High didn’t much care.  They wore their blue and silver proudly, and if they ever thought of the other high schools, it was generally just to feel sorry for them.  After all, it was no secret that Sky High was the premier high school in New Idaho.

The school itself contained three buildings, each of them two stories high.  The central building was in the shape of a circle, with classrooms lining the outer edge and a cafeteria, lit by skylight, in the center.

Snow currently sat in this cafeteria with his friends Adam and Ricky 2.  Ricky 2 had been talking nonstop about Lucidity, and didn’t seem interested in letting up any time soon.

‘For real, Adam,’ said Ricky 2, ‘you have to see if Snow will let you try it or something.  It’s insane.  You wouldn’t even believe it.’

‘See if I’ll let him?’ said Snow.  ‘Why don’t you just let him if it’s that important to you?’

‘Wow, some friend,’ Ricky 2 said.  ‘You won’t even share with Adam?  I’m ashamed of you.’

Snow rolled his eyes.

‘Anyway,’ Ricky 2 said, ‘you have to see it to believe it.  You’ve tried it, Snow, you understand!’

Snow nodded.  It had been quite the experience, being able to play back his dreams for the past week.  It had actually started to take up a good bit of his morning routine as he at least skimmed through all the dreams.  He would even watch some dreams multiple times.  So far, all the consequences seemed highly positive.

‘Well,’ said Adam, ‘it’s a little freaky, but I guess I’ll be on it someday.’

‘Everybody will,’ said Ricky 2.  ‘That’s the thing—this stuff is too good not to be in the hands of everybody by the ‘60s.  And by that time, who knows.  Maybe we’re talking to each other with our brains.’

‘That sounds crazy,’ said Adam.

‘You don’t get it,’ said Ricky 2.  ‘You haven’t seen how it works.  Tell him, Snow!’

‘You’re right.  It does sound crazy,’ Snow said, ‘But Ricky 2’s right.  If this thing can read my dreams, there’s no doubt it can read my thoughts in the same way.  After that, it’s just a matter of getting it out to you.’

‘Damn,’ said Adam.  ‘I’m almost scared to try it.’

‘It really doesn’t even feel like anything,’ Ricky 2 said.  'You hardly know it’s there even when you touch it.’

Ricky 2 was ready to geek over his new toy even longer, but was interrupted by an announcement over the PA system:  ‘Would the following students please come to the office:’.  The voice unmistakably belonged to the principle, Gordon Thistlewit.  Along with his husband, Vice Principal Maximillian Thistlewit, Gordon was most directly responsible for the success and continued prestige of Sky High.  

As soon as Ricky 2's name was called, he experienced a quick reactive sinking feeling in his gut before he realized that (A) Gordon was the Thistlewit who generally dealt in good news and (B) Snow had been called as well.

Snow and Ricky 2 said goodbye to Adam and headed outside to go to the slightly curved building west of the Central Circle.  In addition to more classrooms, this building housed the offices of the principle and vice principle.  The building’s symmetrical counterpoint, on the eastern side of the central circle, housed the gymnasium, theatre, and band facilities.

As they entered the western building, Snow and Ricky 2 saw the other 30 or so students that had been called into the principal’s office.  There were so many other students, in fact, that G. Thistlewit requested everybody simply find a place to sit on the floor of the reception area.

Snow waved to Gordon as he entered the office.  ‘Hi Mr. G,’ he said, calling him by the moniker he had requested to differentiate himself from the ‘finer Thistlewit’.

‘Hello Snow.  Hi Ricky 2.  Welcome to the office.  I hope it’s comfortable enough for you.’

‘Looks pretty great, Mr. G,’ said Ricky 2.

‘Well, thank you, Ricky 2.  When we heard you would be coming, we made sure to freshen everything up to your standard.’  Gordon looked toward the entrance of the reception area, which the other students were periodically finding their way into.  ‘Yes, everyone, please file in!  We can fit you all, I promise.  I was up all last night doing the measurements and talking to the Fire Marshall!’

Eventually the room was full of people.  The receptionist sat behind her desk, wondering if this actually did constitute a fire hazard.  She assumed Thistlewit’s crack about the Fire Marshall had been in jest.

Among the group of students, Snow could see a few faces he knew quite well, and a few more that he was actually friendly with.  There was Camille Thomas, for instance, by far one of the prettiest girls in his grade.  There was Marshall Tomlinson, decked out, as always, in gratuitous military gear, camouflage from head to toe (inside the relatively brown and man-made office, however, the outfit was more of a stylistic choice than a practical one).  He could see Carlton Buristo, the star soccer player of Sky High, and one destined for a full scholarship to play at UNI.  Before he could think on all the other 23-or-so heads and bodies in the room, Thistlewit began speaking:

‘Hi everybody!  I know this is your valuable lunch time, so I’ll try to keep this short and sweet.  Do any of you know why you’re here?’

A freckled, brown-haired girl sitting on the far end timidly raised her hand in the air.  Snow recognized her as Cyanica Latiff.  He had had some class with her at some point, though he couldn’t remember exactly what it had been.  He remembered she was quite smart and nice, though he had to admit he couldn’t remember having thought of her since then.

‘Yes, Cyanica,’ said Thistlewit, as though he had thought of her, along with all the other students under his wing, every day of his career.

‘I don’t know everybody,’ Cyanica said, ‘but from who I do know, we are all seniors.  And everyone whose parents I know have parents that work at Lucid Labs.’

‘Bingo,’ said Thistlewit.  ‘That’s good.  I’m surprised you got it so quick.’

‘Awh, we’re not about to get in trouble for having Lucidity in school, are we?’  The interjection came from a chubby kid in an orange hoody, Jake “Pretzel” Mendez.

‘No,’ said Gordon, ‘Not quite.  If you’re sleeping in class, we have more issues than you recording your dreams.  No, this is about an opportunity for this weekend.  While we were on break, Aubrey Daskus reached out to me.  Do any of you know who that is?’

Simon Simmons, a tall, spectacled boy spoke as he raised his hand. ‘She’s the president of New Idaho University.  She basically started this town with Lex Lucid.  Some people say she’s the reason we have a jungle.’

‘That’s right,’ Thistlewit said, nodding at Simon.  ‘Though I cant speak on where our Jungle came from—that’s a mystery none of the teachers in New Idaho know the answer to! Ms. Daskus reached out to me over the break, and requested that I meet with all of you about an opportunity coming up this weekend to visit the University.  You’ll get to sleep in the dorms for two nights and eat at the dining halls.  She said something about a tour.  It sounds like it will just be a general opportunity for you all to see what UNI is all about.

‘She requested you all because, as Cyanica said, you are all Lucid Labs kids.  Of course, Ms. Daskus would like to show everyone her college if she could, but she has rightfully pointed out that the children in this town with connections to Lucid Labs are some of the most gifted we have.

‘That being said, there are about thirty of you in the room today, and Ms. Daskus has said she can only accommodate ten.  So, in order to be fair, I have written the numbers one to thirty on a piece of paper, and placed them in this bowl.  The lowest ten numbers will get to go on the trip.’  Thistlewit brandished the bowl toward his audience.  ‘Now, before I pass this around, is there anybody who can absolutely not make it this weekend?  Or anybody who knows for sure they don’t want to go?’  A number of hands shot into the air.  ‘Okay,’ said Gordon.  ‘You all are dismissed, unless you care to stay and watch.  I won’t tell your teachers.  Thank you for giving the rest of these folks a chance.’

About twelve of the students got up and left, leaving somewhere between 15 and 20 in the room.  Gordon passed around the bowl and each student took a number.  After everyone had a number, Gordon asked each student to call out what they had drawn.  As per his rules, the ten lowest numbers got the opportunity to go on the trip.

Gordon dismissed everyone but the ten chosen, who were asked to stay behind to cover logistics.  He promised that the back-up students would get the spiel in due time if they were needed to replace one of the original ten.  Disappointed, the unlucky left the office and headed back to lunch.

After the exodus, the students left in the room were Snow, Ricky 2, Pretzel Mendez, Simon Simmons, Lucilia Trebello, Natalie Hefcorn, Camille Thomas, Cyanica Latiff, Marshall Tomlinson, and Carlton Buristo.  Snow realized he knew each of these students by name, though he hadn’t spent a generous amount of time with many of them, other than Ricky 2.

‘Okay,’ said Gordon, ‘So it looks like this is our gang!’  He smiled at the congregation.  ‘How do you feel?  Is everyone excited to go?’  The reactions on the students’ faces ranged from gleeful to relatively nonplussed.  Snow frowned at the apparent ungratefulness of some of the students before realizing that his frown itself may in fact be inspiring the same judgement from his classmates.

‘Well,’ said Gordon, ‘it looks to me like you all are excited enough, if not leaping out of your seats and doing jumping jacks.  I know, it’s hard to get excited in the principal’s office, even if you are technically outside the doors.

‘That being said, here’s the itinerary Ms. Daskus sent me this morning.  I have paper copies here, but I’m going to put it in the room’s Air Locker if you just want to pick it up on your Lenses.’  Snow opted for the latter option, activating Air Locker from the menu on the left side of his Lenses and downloading the itinerary on file.  Gordon continued.  ‘You’ll notice at the top a list of items to bring with you.  Remember, this is an overnight trip.  So be prepared for that.  If you are under 18, you will need to get your parents’ signature on the itinerary.  There will be a bus after school to take you up to UNI if you can’t get a ride.  Other than that, you’re all good to go!’

The group of them headed back out to lunch, disbanding at the door.  Snow thought it was odd that none of them stayed behind to talk about the surprise adventure they would soon be sharing together.  Except, of course, Ricky 2.

‘Damn,’ he said to Snow.  ‘A whole weekend on campus—I’m pumped as hell.’

‘Yeah, it should be fun.’

‘Too bad Adam couldn’t go.  Guess we’re the lucky ones, huh?’

‘Yeah,’ said Snow, ‘I guess we are.’

[une-dyke-tragique]

ok so what I'm a messy b*tch but here's my life lately

Hey so updates I am not dead ! Sorry I'm rambling and these could be edited but I just wanna make a short list and go 2 bed Basically -I am still determined to continue working hard this semester and I'm off to a good start bc I haven't like messed up too badly yet. But this last week I worked my ass off and literally ran both to and from school (for like ten minutes, with schoolwork &equipment lmao good thing I have been working out the past 2 months) and was working on my shit all evenings, and had WORK work two nights (which isn't that long shifts but still) -I just got back from a basement show / house party tonight. Made a male gay fan- I mean, friend, there. Three underground stoner metal and punk bands. I Was shy at first but started talking to people more as the night went on and they were pretty friendly after I smiled at them and said hi. Also People literally did coke straight out the bag it was so wild lmao. - this super adorable short girl with dark hair and green eyes was there and we smiled at each other a few times, I kind of got vibes from it but I was way too nervous to do much about it, but like I feel like she might have been behaving homosexually towards me??? Anyways she seemed to be a regular in the scene so I feel I'll run into her soon and talk to her next time because she was so cute and seemed a little interested, unless she's just friendly with everyone... :/ -I've been following the world news a little but focusing on school more and trying to not get distracted. I'm getting pretty heavy into antifa / anarchist politics. This weekend I reactivated fb just to post about politics and shit post other stuff too and it was fun. I dragged an alt right anti feminist metal head POS on my friends Facebook and called him a fascist and that was fun. -I am starting to like 5th harmony and am convinced I will someday date Lauren -for the first time in about two weeks talked to that girl I have dumb feelings for (who moved away), and upon talking to her again i realized damn I have too much fun talking to you this is Bad and Distracting and Depressing for me even tho it's also Pure and Good because I feel special when I talk to you and I love the attention u give me and you're so funny and you're interesting and I know u care about me and you're generally a babe but also you're a certified lesbian heartbreaker so #bye. Anyways I'm gonna deactivate fb again soon and stop talking to her again for a period bc it's forming little cracks in my heart when I remember how we can't be together. And I realized I should only talk to her again when I'm 100% over her ie into someone else -looks like I'm gonna be going out more this year and reaching more events- shows, activist events, jams, parties, etc... big yay for that -guest starring in my friends podcast soon and I'm excited cuz I've never done that before. -might travel to another city to see against me play live this spring -might be seeing pierce the veil in spring too -decided I'm going to tell one of my friends that part of the reason I havent been speaking with her much is that I have had an on-again-off-again crush on her throughout our friendship. And altho I want us to stay friends I just don't think she has a place in my life right now especially since we're both busy amyways. I'm just telling her to get it off my chest since there's noooo way she'd be interested back lmao. I was just riding the bus today when the idea came to me and for some reason I feel like it's the right thing to do and it's going to give me a sort of peace or happiness even tho I'm nervous for it. Also I'm kind of excited for it oddly enough, bc it's actually the first time I'm going to straight up tell a girl "Hey I have this crush on you" which I've NEVER done, like even what happened between my ex and i, skipped that stage. So yeah maybe that's weird of me to be excited about telling someone something kind of awkward and anxiety inducing but I think I'm more excited just to finally find out how it feels to be honest about that for once, and not be super afraid of admitting my feelings to people. And maybe when I meet a girl who's actually compatible with me I'll be able to tell her how I feel. So yeah that's all for now folks. Hope that was entertaining.👋