#but anyway i literally get butterflies whenever that song plays in my playlist now

[tuesdaygray]

i saw challengers (2024) and all i got was this involuntary bodily reaction to Uncle ACE by Blood Orange

[reversecreek]

pops hip n winks at the dash. haaaaiiii. me again. i’ve honestly missed playing lana fr a while she’s one of. my most treasured muses bc she’s jst a silly n vivacious ball of sunshine or alternatively? a train wreck depending on which way u turn her in the light..... i actually hv two playlists made fr her n one is rly old bt it’s more like. songs that Remind me of her which u can find here n then here is more like. stuff u’ll most often catch her blasting on her record player as she dances around in her underwear w the curtains open. OH and here is her pinterest ���⚡

* kristine froseth, cis female + she/her  | you know lana jameson, right? they’re twenty-three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, a few hours? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to play that funky music by wild cherry like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole cherry red gym socks worn with nothing else, doodling penises in the condensation of a stranger’s car window, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘scrappy doo is a filthy slut’ thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is june 2nd, so they’re a gemini, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her  )

HISTORY:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. i picture it w dark oak floors n lots of light furniture. albums framed on walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i described it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”

lana’s mum victoria (vic) ws a music journalist w a pretty fruitful career ahead of her when she met lana’s dad richard (rich). his record label ws jst starting out, founded on the coattails of his wealthy best friend’s (jensen peters) investment w his other best friend (who he jst calls knoxville). it rocketed to success when they signed poppy injects, a rock band w an electric stage presence, n vic ws drawn to the glitz n glamour of a man tht ws at the helm of his aspiring industry. their love ws very impulsive, all or nothing right frm the start, n it ws almost like she ws mre in love w his accomplishments n what he represented than him.

(DRUGS TW) anyway so jameson records repped a few rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. real characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast n it was just. a very strange environment fr a child to grow up in. more zoo than home. more shaken snow globe than resting place. (END OF TW)

(ABORTION REFERENCE) her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt… quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana ws a kid she asked her why she’s so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door (END OF REFERENCE)

(DISSOCIATION TW) bc of the intensity of her parents ignoring her growing up lana adopted this sense of like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost bc she gt this strange outside feeling. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w no-one acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family. (END OF TW) her imagination festered an explanation out of smthn she didn’t understand essentially. lana used her imagination to do this a lot growing up. it ws kind of like the band aid she slapped over everything. after all she wasn’t alone if she was sword fighting imaginary pirates dwn the hallway with a poker from the fireplace. 

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. he’s the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her n cut the crusts off her sandwiches (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door bt was always over bc he had very strict parents tht he found suffocating)

(ARMY MENTION) SO when tommy announced tht he’d signed up to the army (bc of pressures from tommy’s military dad to fulfil some kind of stupid “legacy” tommy didn’t even care abt) n caleb said he was going with him lana ws understandably…….. completely blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving n was kind of like “wtf why are u doing this like what do u even think this is gna solve” etc n begged caleb not to leave her there on her own n jst to not sign up in general bc tommy had to bt he didn’t listen. 

ERM i won’t go into it but it didn’t turn out well as u can probably imagine bc the army is a terrible industry n caleb had to return home without tommy. he wasn’t the same after that. (END OF MENTION)

what’d been a rly close relationship before where he ws basically like a surrogate father figure to lana was Not there any more. he ws rly withdrawn n always pushing her away n snapping at her for the sake of getting her to leave him alone. on top of this lana had a lot of shit go down while he was away n rly just shouldn’t have been a kid alone in tht house. regardless lana thought if she kept grinning as wide as she cld she’d convince caleb to join in too. maybe if she seemed fine n happy he’d take the lead. maybe she’d believe it too n start to feel it n everything could go bk to how it was before her world became so different. lana liked the way the sky flipped when she tipped her head back on the swings bt this was different. everything was upside down bt this didn’t make her belly feel like she’d swallowed a butterfly and it wasn’t funny bt still, she kept laughing. always desperate to find something to laugh at n if she couldn’t find it she invented it. as long as ur laughing the world can’t b that bad.

she ws always well liked in school bc she jst tended to treat everyone like they were bffs no matter who like u cld have literally bumped shoulders w her once in the corridor n she’d be like OMG HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII let’s kiss<3 n like she ws a huge notorious flirt w any n all as well as incredibly impulsive n jst. wild honestly to put it simply too bt things like. changed a bit frm 16 onwards. (HYPERSEXUALITY & IMPLIED TRAUMA TW) she jst became far more reckless honestly n like....... jst didn’t rly seem to care after a certain point abt herself too much.... got herself in a bunch of bad situations.......... kind of jst flung herself to the wolves numerous times without any caution abt the way they’d bite. formed a lot of self destructive habits one of which ws cruising craigslist personals fr random hook-ups n like. she literally cld have wound up in a ditch somewhere honestly it’s a shock she hasn’t. despite various dips n inclines in her journey navigating this side of her it’s very much still present in her life to this day n she struggles to kno hw to control herself at points. sometimes she feels like a melting candle tht needs moulding by thumbs until it can form a person again. sometimes she’s only sure she’s real when she’s being touched. (END OF TW)

ANYWAY. laughs nervously. went to college to study dance bc she’s always loved dance in general bt specifically ballet (despite definitely not hving the discipline for it) n honestly this was both good n bad fr her. had a whole string of terrible heartbreaking relationships bc she tends to fall into those hard n fast n they were w a lot of bad people fr like 98% of the time. she kind of learned more abt what love is during her time there tho which is a gd thing bt she still isn’t very good at knowing hw to believe she deserves it so it’s a process. she hd fun tho. threw 498572598475 outrageous n elaborately themed parties. ws friends w pretty much everyone on campus. 

despite a strained relationship w her brother n having to go home to visit n check on him whenever he got rly bad it ws the first time it actually felt like she’d found a home in a lot of rly loving n genuine friendships n lana will never forget hw much that experience meant to her even if she definitely struggled there too. college felt like a place she belonged n then suddenly she couldn’t belong there any more n there was a big sense of floundering in that. like where do u go now when u’ve never known home elsewhere? how do u happily go out into the world if it means leaving ur world behind?

she applied to a dance company in LA n fell in w a pretentious art scene there full of wannabe andy warhols n the like. became a makeshift edie sedgwick to some guy w dyed white hair n the idea his every concept was revolutionary when rly he jst shot her dancing barely clothed splashing around in a random fountain in his friend’s mansion on an ancient film camera. she’d spend her days floating around on lilo’s and prancing in feather boas and racing with glitter leftover frm last night in her leotard w smudges of faint red lipstick to barely make her job on time. always a sexy train wreck bt this time? make it hollywood. 

(IMPLIED ALCOHOLISM TW) i won’t lie to u lana hs always partied way too hard bt then partying way too hard turned into slurping merlot thru a crazy straw shaped like a flamingo at 4 in the afternoon wearing penis novelty sunglasses n it wasn’t quite so much of a party when u were doing it on ur own. this rly snowballed into place in college bt carried on n wound up getting her fired from the dance company bc she turned up to rehearsals drunk one too many times n they didn’t allow fr sloppiness like tht. it was a “professional operation” that didn’t “accept that kind of behaviour” bt lana was jst like ummmmmmmmm that’s totally dramatic btw way to spank me in the town square like i’m gale w a raw ass n back in the hunger games bt ok sure i’m out ig. BOOP! (literally booped the director on the nose before leaving) (END OF TW)

honestly hd no idea what to do w herself after her job fell thru in LA n was pretty embarrassed actually upon sobering up the nxt day. cldn’t bring herself to tell her friends for a hot minute bc she felt like a failure or smthn n she was meant to be living this glamorous life out there being the classic wild n silly n fun Lana Jameson. cldn’t figure out how to repackage it into a funny story tht wouldn’t worry ppl. eventually wound up jst caving n telling her closest besties (shoutout freya n rosa) bc she ws hving a weird time dating losers n randomly living in LA even tho she didn’t kno why she was there any more after losing the job n they were jst like. fk it then. jst come here. we’re in irving. and so? mizz jameson packed her bags....

PERSONALITY:

always smells vaguely of wild cherries or strawberry starburst or jst the candy aisle in general. if she ws a vinyl record she’d b this one n she’d only play good vibrations by the beach boys, dancing on my own by robyn, play that funky music by wild cherry, femme fatale by the velvet underground n (i can’t get no) satisfaction by the rolling stones

the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed a bit of an instagram following #nepotism bt also fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects. lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, bright red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights, holographic stickers of planets on her cheek n glitter used like highlight, 90% of the time a red lip) n bc she’s not gna make ur eyes bleed to look at or anything let’s b real

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once.

deliberately puts on tht kind of Magnetic Alluring Act tht femme fatales wear in movies w most ppl. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as. hates being sad n always wnts to be happy / making ppl happy. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out. sometimes gets glimpses n feels the urge to close her eyes.

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand ridiculously absurd n chaotic stories. she’s like oh ya this one time this guy made me ride him with a daddy saddle like i was woody and he was bullseye. he literally made me call him bullseye. or she’s like. oh ya once i had to run barefoot thru a cabbage patch bc this one farmer wanted to have a threeway w me n my friend tht we met off craigslist n every framed photo in his house was a pig dressed up in cosplay bt honestly they were kind of cute n he was sexy aside frm the murderous vibes n the fact he kept calling me babe which i’m pretty sure means he wanted to dress me up next bt like whatever honestly.... she tells jst the most batshit stuff n the person she’s telling it to is left blinking like. wtf.

uncontrollably flirty. insanely confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n will try. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine.

likes to roller skate n hs a red pair she’ll glide around in at night lit up by amber street lamps breath sticky w the taste of wine n lollipops probably heading to a random hookups. who needs ubers?

always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. honestly likes dangling her whole body halfway out too. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops.

luvs bowie (ONLY aesthetically) n prince (wholeheartedly) n madonna (completely) n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think.

daisies n poppies r her fav flowers bc daisies r wild n overlooked n poppies r the first thing u look at in a green field. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. honestly it’s like a burning train wreck but u can’t quite tear ur eyes away. often the heart of many sordid gossip scandals.

PLOTS:

TBA bc she’s only jst arrived in town i won’t lie to u all but i’m gna whip things up on here anyway n link in chat w updates at some point........ that said? lana is insatiable n it isn’t rly unlikely tht she cld’ve bumped into ur muse in a grocery store aisle n somehow a wild spontaneous adventure spawned frm that alone.......... if u have any immediate ideas we can discuss 😋

[werifestaria]

Hi I love your blog layout it so tidy!! Also would it be alright if I got a bnha matchup please?. My pronouns are she/her and I'm bisexual. My personality type is ISTJ, I'm a sagittarius sun, scorpio moon and libra rising. To the public I'm pretty closed off/reserved but with my friends I'm brave, loyal and love to laugh. I don't trust easily and I'm pretty cautious of everyone so I try to keep out of the way.

My hobbies include gymnastics which I did competitively and won a few medals, I also do figure skating and have leveled up pretty quickly at that. I workout everyday because even though I dont compete now I still want to improve and if anything I'm better now than I was back then.

I like indie music, horror movies mainly psychological, nature and wildlife and the peace and quiet it brings. I hate loud, busy places, untidy, dirty things and people messing up my routine.

My love language is quality time like I just wanna be around that person a lot. I think the love language that speaks to me most is probably also quality time, like the fact that they would want to be around me willingly seems so unfamiliar I love the idea of it. Also words of affirmation or physical touch, I'm awkward at giving those but receiving them would make me melt cause I'm not really used to any of it. My ideal dates are simple things like going on walks at like 3am or dancing in the livingroom or movie nights just cheap simple things like that.

hope that's okay sorry it kindof long :)

𝐦𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐫𝐚

Thank you so much for one of our first requests! We appreciate your love for the layout as well!! Tbh, I spent multiple hours straight getting it just right, so it’s a relief people find it pretty- and also, Scorpio moon gang! anyways, I hope you enjoy your matchup from me! Have a lovely day, hun

𝐦𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 . . .

𝐞𝐣𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐮 𝐤𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚 !

runner-up : hanta sero

Easily, Kirishima is one of BNHA’s most easygoing, compassionate characters. His heart is big and always in the right place. Based off of your description and his own array of traits, I think he is the perfect character for you! Like, almost a little too perfect. A Sagittarius and a Libra (Kirishima’s sun sign!) are said to be very compatible and harmonious. Even better, it’s also said that people are often drawn to others who have their sun sign in the ascendant—Kirishima being a Libra sun and you being a Libra rising! To make things even more fantastic, perfect, and everything in between, Kirishima’s MBTI (according to The Personality Database) is ESFP. Guess what? ISTJ’s and ESFP’s are said to be extremely compatible! Of course, he’d find your inner demeanor to be extremely attractive. As he is naturally social, he wouldn’t mind your reserved nature and would pursue you in both friendship & romance regardless. Your outer shell would only lead him to appreciate your comical inner-self even more! He’d greatly admire your bravery and loyalty as well—it’s not something you see often anymore, after all. He’d try to bring the best out of you as naturally as possible, letting you do the same to him. Easily, he’s the most supportive boyfriend you could ever get! This man would adore you with patience, admiration, and sheer love, all with his own cheesy, dorky flair. I imagine Kirishima is careful in love, yet just as bold as the sun. He’s grounded, but on his most passionate days, his admiration can never be paralleled. You’d simply make him weak in the knees with every glance you’d spare him!

𖥸 Your music taste simply infects him. Imagine him listening to indie music with you 🥺🥺 your head in his lap as he plays with your hair- omg!! he loves to just sit and vibe with you. Nothing can compare to the fun you have on your chilliest days- he loves spending time with you in little ways like that

𖥸 Workout dates!! He’s infatuated with you for many reasons, but one of them is because you work out. The dude literally thinks it’s the coolest thing in the world and he adores working out with you. It’s easily his kryptonite lol

𖥸 Kiri has no concept of grace, so he is extremely impressed with your gymnastics and figure skating skills!! He could watch you do your thing for hours tbh. Like, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. In fact, I think he’d try to incorporate more nimbleness to his moves even though such a feat is kinda difficult when you can turn into rock. You gotta give him some credit tho- we all know he can be a little too opportunistic!! Just imagine him tripping all over himself because he wants to be nimble like you- that little blush on his face as he apologies for being a dummy- aww 💕💕

𖥸 Simply the king of casual dates. Sure, he’d love to spoil you with the stars and more, but he knows you like it calm- fr, you two are actually the cutest when it comes to staying up late and just messing around with no care in the world 💕 also, nature dates? Small picnics in the park?? I bet he’d love to go hiking with you. He likes to point out cool flowers or pretty weeds whenever you two are outside for even the shortest amount of time

𖥸 He loves watching horror movies with you.. even though they scare him a little bit LMAO- but just cuddling with you as your favorite movie plays in the background is simply heaven to him. Maybe you can turn him into a psychological horror buff!!

𖥸 He is also the king of words of affirmation~ the dude loves to remind you about how much you mean to him and how confident you make him feel within himself

You two really are couple goals imo 💕💕💕

𝐦𝐨𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡

Gahhh!! I was so excited to ship you with someone!! Thank you so much for requesting!! Also! Don’t worry about long bios in your matchup requests! The longer they are the more mod Ara and I can assess who’s best for you! Its definitely preferable. I hope you enjoy who I match you with. ^w^

𝐦𝐨𝐝 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 . . .

⠀

𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐝𝐨 !

runner-up : hanta sero

In my opinion, I feel that Mina is the perfect match for you!! First lets get some compatible basics out of the way. Like our good friend Kirishima above, Minas MBTI is also an ESFP (according to the personality database lol). As we know, ESFPs tend to be the most compatible with ISTJs. To add onto that, Mina just so happens to be a Leo!! Leos and Sagittarius's are often compared to soulmates and having a twin flame like connection! It’s a little scary how well you two fit each other, personality dynamics and all. Though you may have been cautious and quiet at first meet, Mina most likely pestered and wiggled her way into your life! She loves making new friends anyhow, and saw no issue in going out of her way to talk to you every chance she could. Now becoming your girlfriend later on would just be an added bonus for her! You better believe she finds your bravery admirable, it drives right up her alley. The two of you would make an absolute power couple, even a fan favorite!! Often, she’d make jokes or even play along with ones that you make in return, just to be able to hear your laughter. It fills her stomach with butterflies and she’s near falling apart at the seams with every melodic giggle. Get ready to be showered in compliments and praise, that’s this girls specialty, and she’d happily fluster you any day with her sickeningly sweet words. 

𖥸 Mina would probably ask you to spar with her a lot. Practicing new moves and quirk related techniques. God knows she loves staying active, and doing something she deems this fun with someone she loves. It makes the moment even more worth while. With your experience in gymnastics, you’d find that you’re able to run circles around this girl with your skill. Afterwards she’d probably offer a massage to ease any sore muscles. 

𖥸 Now as much as Mina would probably prefer a night on the town as a date, she would not think twice about choosing a secluded casual option for your comforts sake. Be that stargazing or even staying in to watch one of those horror films  that you love oh so much over popcorn and sodas. (She’s actually terrified of them, and has a weak stomach, but she’d never tell you that.) 

𖥸 Aimless car drives. Picture the sun setting, painting the sky in a soft pink and an orange hue flickering off of the distant buildings. Your preferred indie song blaring through the speaker while the two of you belt out the lyrics. Neither of you can hear each other over the sound of the wind rolling in through open windows, or how high she cranked the volume. You’ll definitely have to be the one to turn it back down, she can’t help but love loud music, even if the music wasn’t intended to be loud in the first place lol. 

𖥸 Don’t be surprised if she comes to you one day with a gift bag in hand. Every time she goes into a store she has to come out with something that reminds her of you. She’s not even aware of it either until you point it out. This could range from something as simple as your favorite drink to a giant teddy bear that she claimed resembled you. The possibilities are endless. 

𖥸 My word is she in love, infatuated even. That one night she caught you dancing about in the kitchen, probably making a late night snack, she couldn’t look away. In fact, she still thinks about it from time to time. How happy and carefree you looked lip-syncing the lyrics, in the silliest kinds of pjs you owned. She tried to sneak her way in, trying her best to not to make you jump in surprise, though she probably failed with how eager she actually zoomed in. Her love for dancing couldn’t go unnoticed here, oh no, not now. She brought you in close with a twirl under her arm, her smile the widest you’ve seen it. Her flirty nature, only for you, had her compliments laced with sugar and honey. Who knows how long the two of you spent dancing and goofing off to your playlist in that darned kitchen. 

Gosh the two of you make me squeal!! There’s absolutely no way you aren’t made for each other!  

𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫

𝐠𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭-𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐞 !

[shes-soparticular]

I adore you for all of the music references in your fics. Do you have a playlist?

I adore you for noticing and asking this question! Like mostwriters, I rely on music BIG TIME for inspiration. I don’t have any playlistscreated, but here’s a little masterlist of songs I’ve referred to in my writingthat usually play some kind of role. Warning, it ended up way longer than Irealized lol

Darling, So it Goes“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley – Okay, don’t we ALL fantasizeabout Shawn singing this song to us acapella? That old clip of him singing it?Kill me. The title of this one-shot comes from that song as well, of course.

Take Me Back to theStart“The Scientist” by Coldplay – I think this would be Shawn’s go-to breakup song,the one he’d play on repeat to try to process his feelings. Which is exactly whatI had him do when he and Alex hit the rocks. Naturally, that’s where the titlecomes from as well.

Every Little Part ofMe is Holding on to Every Little Piece of You

“End of the Road” by Boyz II Men – Just as The Scientist isShawn’s go-to heartache song, Alex’s is End of the Road. Her mantra is “if thelove don’t feel like 90s R&B, I don’t want it”. Also, I have to admit I kindof stole this from my OG crush Seth Cohen, as that was his “play on repeat”breakup song.

“Water Runs Dry” by Boyz II Men – Alex’s backup song to cryto, which is playing when Shawn shows up.

“I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men – Sensing a theme? Luckily,Boyz II Men is there for you both in times of sadness and times of makeup sex. Andas Shawn knows, Alex cannot resist a slow jam.

“Tough” by Lewis Capaldi – I took the title from the lyricsof this song. Lewis Capaldi is one of my favorite artists to listen to forangst/fluff inspiration.

Wouldn’t Fall forSomeone I Thought Couldn’t Misbehave

“Nobody” by Hozier – This one-shot is all about Shawn’sjealousy over her fangirling for Hozier. So it was a no-brainer to choose aHozier lyric as the title, which comes from this song.

“Movement” by Hozier – I don’t call this song out by name,but it’s the one I imagine her teasing him to in the car. It’s just a hell of asultry song and would have definitely driven Shawn even further up the wall.

Put in Work

“All Mine” by Kanye West – As we ALL know by this point, Kanyeis Shawn’s go-to gym music. When it comes to a one-shot that’s literallyuncalled for fantasy gym smut, what song would have been more fitting? Yeah, you supermodel thick, damn, that assbustin’ out the bottom, I'ma lose my mind in it. Definitely the wordspounding through Shawn’s airpods while watching Alex on the stair climber.

Bonus: “Skin” by Rihanna – Alex is a freak too, let’s bereal. Although I didn’t mention it in the fic, her gym play list is 100% heavyon Rihanna. This is the song that ends up on repeat anytime she watches Shawnlifting.

Might Just Be MyEverything and Beyond

“What’s Your Fantasy” by Ludacris ft Shawna – If you’re alate 90s baby and don’t know this song? You won’t understand how ridiculous itis that it’s Alex’s go-to karaoke song.

“Beyond” by Leon Bridges – For one, this is an altogetherbeautiful song. I listened to the acoustic version non-stop while writing thisone-shot and thus it’s where the title comes from. Just the kind of fluffyboyfriend vibes I imagined Shawn feeling waiting for his girl to come home.

“Lost in Japan – Remix” – Okay, ya’ll know this one. But I’mmentioning it anyways since it pops up in the insta story of Alex jamming outto it pool side, a proud girlfriend hyped for her man.

Slow Burn

“There’s No Way” by Lauv ft Julia Michaels – This songinspired the entire fic, tbh. It’s the definition of a Slow Burn song.

“American Girl” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – Only mentionedin passing, but Shawn and co realize at some point early in the European legthat if you play this song? Alex loses her fucking shit. Even if she’s having abad time, cranky, pissy, argumentative, what have you – this song gets her to shoutalong and dance like the happiest little bean on earth. So it becomes a runninggag for them to play it whenever possible, just to watch the only American chickin the bar go nuts.

“Free Fallin’” by Top Petty and the Heartbreakers (but alsohave the live John Mayer cover in mind) – As slightly established in the firstchapter, Alex is a huge Petty fan. In chapter six, this is the song Shawn isattempting to teach her on the guitar. The one she’s too impatient to learn andmakes him just play for her instead.

“Feels Great” – Cheat Codes ft Fetty Wap & CVBZ – I couldn’tthink of a better song for the “young crew” to be listening to during a heated pre-showping pong game in the green room. It’s just a fun fucking song about beingyoung. That’s all.

“Outta My Head” by Khalid ft John Mayer – This is the songAlex is mumbling in the elevator before everything…intensifies. No deep reason here, I just bet they’ve all beenlistening to Khalid’s new album a ton and that song is a bop. Oh, and I GUESSthe lyrics are kind of fitting…. Can youfeel the tension? You’ve got my attention, I know we’re just friends but I’drather be together.

“Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy – These are the lyrics Iuse in the opening of the second chapter and a song that definitely inspired my interms of Shawn’s feelings for Alex. Especially early on, when everything isstill completely unspoken. Honestly, Dermot’s music has inspired me A LOT whilewriting this fic, so check him out if you’re not familiar.

“Uh Huh” by Julia Michaels – First off, Julia is a QUEEN. Hervibe is something I picture for Alex so I listen to Julia a lot particularlywhen writing more deeply from Alex’s point of view. Hence using it as theopening lyrics for chapter three. This is definitely a song that demonstrateshow Alex’s mind and body are at odds over her feelings for Shawn.

“Lost” by Dermot Kennedy – Again, on a constant Dermot kick.His lyrics are so poetic and it’s impossible not to take inspiration from him.I used his lyrics to open chapter four and I think they perfectly describe theatmosphere of that night in Krakow. I particularly love the lyric “since thatnight the moon has never looked the same” which I think perfectly puts the wayShawn and Alex both feel after that turning point of a night, dancing oncobblestone streets in the moonlight. Yep. Lost in feels again.

“Can I Be Him” by James Arthur – The perfect song about aguy falling for a girl that’s already attached. Because using TYB would havebeen to on the nose, haha.

“Peer Pressure” by James Bay ft Julia Michaels – If you’veread chapter six, it’s pretty obvious why I used these lyrics to start itoff. Generally, it’s another song I’ve listened to a lot while writing Slow Burn.It seems fitting for two people that are used to being in control of themselvesand their emotions but losing that control and giving into one another.

Look How They ShineFor You (Slow Burn Bonus)

“Yellow” by Coldplay – This song is a HUGE part of this littleblurb and I highly recommend listening to it while you read that one. It’sbeautiful as a piano cover and if you’ve ever heard the Vitamin String Quartetversion??? Jesus. Let’s just say that’s going to be the song Alex walks downthe aisle to someday. Now I’m all in my feels.

BONUS: Current Songson Repeat While I Write

Pretty much all of Lizzo’s “Cuz I Love You” album. It puts me in a kickass mood. That’s all.

“Falling like the Stars” by James Arthur – It’s just a sweetsong that makes me want to write Shawn and Alex all loved up.

“Wilderness” by Jon Bryant – See above. A song that makes mea soft little puddle of inspo.

“Can I be Honest?” by Anatu ft Zubi – I don’t know how Istumbled across this song but it’s fucking fantastic and you should listen toit.

“Night Moves” by Bob Seger – Alex is a classic rock junkie,if she could time travel she’d head straight back to the 70s (possibly the 60sso she could live through both decades). That’s her entire aesthetic, honestly.This is the type of song she puts on to dance around her hotel room while Shawnbegs her to hurry up and get ready to leave.

“Drive” by The Cars – Honestly, this is just a personalfavorite of mine because there’s something so 80s RomCom about being drivenhome by a guy you have romantical tension with. Maybe it just very, veryspecifically relates to my high school experience. A song that puts me in a starry-eyed,butterflies in the stomach type of writing mood.

[yuhenglesbian]

金継ぎ

Pairing: Chen Linong x Reader

Requested: Nah,, I just felt an intense to write this. 

Genre:  Angst (oops?) 

Trigger Warning(s): Self Harm 

Word Count: 2,193

A/N: “What on earth did this turn into?”  – Top 10 Questions Science Can’t Answer and Neither Can I Even Though I Wrote This. I really hope it’s worth it though and I hope I didn’t romanticize this stuff.

Also about the title:

金継ぎ or ‘kintsugi’ is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object rather than something to hide. [Wikipedia]

Chen Linong is invisible. Maybe not literally, but he might as well be considering how he passes people without them noticing– his face almost always down covered by his hoodie, the sleeves pulled so far low that his hands are barely visible. He barely talks to anyone, if at all– speaking only when someone asks him anything which is rare. He isn’t cold, anyone sharing a class with him will tell you that; on the contrary, he’s helpful– picking up after people silently and unnoticeably– which isn’t hard considering how no one seems to notice him in the first place. Chen Linong isn’t memorable because he barely gives anyone something to remember him by and that’s how he manages to be invisible– nothing more than a ghost who people don’t approach unless they absolutely, desperately need something.

Chen Linong is invisible but if you were being completely honest with yourself, he’s all you can see when you’re in the same space as him. He’s silent and passing but he’s always there on your mind. Your head is filled with thoughts of him– of wanting to slip off the hood he covers his face with and of pushing back his fringes so you can see his face. Chen Linong isn’t memorable because you can’t ever reduce him to just a memory– not when every little detail about him seems to be seared into your mind, ready to be recalled the second you close your eyes. If he was a ghost, your mind was haunted by nothing but the thoughts of him.

***

Linong’s eyes light up a little when you step inside the small cafe his family owns– it’s even better since you’re alone today. Lately, he feels that the only time he sees you is when you’re with people and honestly while he’s really happy you’re making friends, it makes him feel a little left out– like there’s nowhere he belongs anymore and that’s a feeling he’s too familiar with.

You smile when your eyes meet his and when he smiles back, a familiar feeling of warmth pools inside your gut. You’ve known Linong for almost all your life and you’ve loved his smile for at least half– if not all– of it and the feeling is intensified because he rarely smiles anymore, especially not at other people. It makes you feel a little special.  You exchange greetings and proceed to take a seat at the counter and look around waiting for him to join you with your orders.

The cafe is nearing closing time and the crowd has thinned considerably; the only people who linger around are old customers or a few university students who’re killing time before returning home after their evening classes. You’ve always been a little in awe of the cafe the Chens run– it’s small and homely with an endless playlist of Yiruma playing in the background like an afterthought. It’s the sort of cafe where you could easily get lost doing your own thing and that had always been what Linong’s parents– especially his father– wanted the cafe to be. A wave of sadness hits you at the thought of Linong’s father– it’s been almost two years since he passed away and you miss him a little– you can’t say you knew him well but he was always sweet and funny and helpful whenever you came over to the Chens’ house or their cafe. Admittedly, your sadness comes more from knowing that Linong misses his father much more than anyone would imagine– it was after his death that Linong began receding into a shell and stopped smiling as often as he did, becoming the ghost of the boy you’d known all your life– the very ghost that most of your classmates knew now.

You’re mulling over the memories of how he used to be, your heart breaking slowly at all the changes he’s undergone when Linong returns. “Here you go,” he says quietly, offering you a small smile as he takes a seat next to you. You smile gratefully and wrap your hands around the cup of caramel macchiato that he’s set before you. “Thank you, Nongnong,” you whisper and he offers you another small smile.

The next few minutes pass quietly as the two of you get absorbed in your own thoughts, drinking your coffee. The silence is comfortable with Yiruma’s If I Could See You Again playing quietly in the background. It’s a silence both of you are used to probably from all the evenings you’d spend in middle school at his house completing due homework– working silently alongside each other and speaking only if you needed to cross check answers while his parents played an assorted mix of Yiruma and Beethoven and talked quietly in the background.

Linong uses this time to admire you and the way the lighting of the cafe brings out the warmth in your skin making you glow as though you have a million small suns inside you. He’s always in awe of you lately– with how you’re unmissable even in a crowd and with how no one he’s ever known could deny how easily you draw people to you. He’s known that he was in love with you for a long time but now, after everything in his life has happened, he’s also extremely grateful for you– because even though you may not know it, you’re the only person besides his mother who makes him want to live anymore. A part of him wants to tell you but the thought of voicing how he feels instinctively makes him run his thumb over the scars on his arms that he keeps hidden with his oversized hoodies. They would never love someone like you– they deserves much better, the voice inside him tells him. And so he keeps his feelings to himself and admires you silently.

It’s you who breaks the silence once you’ve finished your coffee. “How are you Nongnong, really? How is therapy?” you ask, placing your cup down and turning all your attention to him. Linong sighs, your voice breaking his train of thought and meets your gaze making the butterflies in your stomach flutter around like they do in spring.

“I’m okay,” he replies after a few moments, the words coming out slowly as if he’s trying them out. “Therapy is good– my therapist is nice. He’s funny… Kind of reminds me of dad.” The smile on his face is bitter with sadness. “But I guess it’s supposed to be this way,” he continues, “Freudian concept of transference and whatnot, right?”

You nod. A part of you wants to ask him more but you’re afraid of how he would react if you did. “You’ll be okay, Nong,” you tell him instead. “Things will get better from here out.”

The words make him look at you you’re afraid you’ve said something wrong because he looks angry– like he wants to snap at you for your hopeful optimism but instead he just nods absently and begins to clear the table you’ve been sharing. “Thank you for coming over today, Y/N,” he says and you know that the evening is over. “I hope they will.”

You offer him a smile. “Talk to me in school sometime,” you mumble almost to yourself. “I miss your voice sometimes.” Nongnong hears it anyway but he pretends he hasn’t– instead letting you see yourself out of the cafe as he makes his way back into the kitchen. You don’t deserve her, he tells himself over and over.

***

So much of pop culture around you was filled with the idea that a masterpiece was essentially broken– irreparably so for that matter. There were countless songs and books and films based on that idea; of someone falling in love with a person who was broken– drawn to the thrill of the sharp edges that come with broken pieces and to the idea of fixing what was broken– of joining the pieces like a puzzle and filling the remaining gaps with something akin to the Japanese ‘kintsugi.’

You didn’t believe it. You didn’t think people were masterpieces, not specifically when they were falling apart– when the tremors started, leaving cracks in their wake. You didn’t think people could be saved by love, every crack filling up in liquid gold and creating something beautiful. It wasn’t something that happened and yet, every time you saw Linong– in the fleeting moments that your eyes met his in the corridors and classrooms of your highschool and on evenings that you spent with him at the cafe– you wished it was true that love could fix everything because the heavens knew that given the chance, you would give anything to see Linong happy again.

You told him that one evening at the cafe– the words slipping out of you when his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes as he told you about how good therapy was turning out. “You don’t mean that,” Linong replied, pulling away ever so slightly. “You don’t want that, Y/N– you shouldn’t.”

“I do, though,” you answered back, holding his gaze. “I really do, Linong. Sometimes, it’s the only fictional thing I ever want being true.”

“You really shouldn’t,” he mumbled, his gaze flickering both concerned for and unsure of you– especially when you reached out for his arm, cautiously pushing back the sleeve. “What are you doing, Y/N?” he asks you, his voice is so low it would have scared you if you couldn’t feel his pulse quickening as your fingers ghost over his scars.

“I’ve known you all my life, Chen Linong,” you whisper, your eyes trained on the half healed scars covering him, “and I’ve probably loved you for all of it, too. I’ve seen you for so long… you’ve been my best friend, Nongnong and I’d like to believe that I’ve been yours too– so I’d like to think I know you well enough to know that you’ve gone through so much in the past two years and it’s hurt you and it keeps hurting you.”

You look up at him, your fingers caressing the scar closest to his pulse. “I am in love with you Chen Linong and if my love for you could fix you, I’d give up everything to see you smile properly again.”

Linong doesn’t speak for the longest time– not to answer your confession, not even to ask you to stop. A part of him doesn’t want you to stop– you say your love can’t fix him and he believes it because love can’t fix anything but when your fingers run over the cuts, he swears he can feel their sting lessening. Your love can’t save him but he really wishes it could but only as long as you don’t injure yourself in the process.

However, that’s a fool’s wish and he knows it– he knows if he gives in to his urges and tells you how much you make him want to go on living he’ll pull you into the sinking ship that he sees as his life and won’t do that to you– he can’t do that to you.  You deserve so much better than me, he thinks to himself when he meets your gaze.

“Nongnong?” you ask him, your voice gentle as if you’re afraid he’ll run and truthfully, he wants to at that moment because everything– from your touch to your voice to the way you’re looking at him– is so gentle and filled with hope, it makes him feel like an asshole for doing what he’s about to do.

“You should leave,” he tells you, seriously. Your eyes widen in shock because of while there were millions of reactions you’d imagined him having, this wasn’t one of them. “You really should leave, Y/N,” he repeats, tugging his sleeves down and hiding the scars, gathering your empty cups. “I appreciate the sentiment, honestly but I don’t need anyone to fix me– especially not you.”

With that, he walks away leaving you alone, resisting the urge to turn back and look at you because he knows that his resolve will falter if he turns back and he can’t let do that to you. It’s for the best, he tells himself. They deserve much better than me and the mess I am.

You stand in your spot, confused and hurt, for what you feel is an eternity– leaving only when the tears start dripping down your face, furiously wiping your tears to make them stop until you can return to the safety to your home. Linong watches you leave from the kitchen and wills himself with every inch of his being to not chase you down the street. They’ll be much happier this way, he assures himself half-heartedly.

Pop culture is full of broken characters looking to be fixed and Chen Linong has read and heard and watched enough to know that all of them are self-absorbed and over-grandised assholes. He hates most of them but as he watches you leave and when you avoid his gaze in school the next day, he knows he’s added himself to the same list as them.

[but-its-only-the-beginning]

I often wonder to myself, when he says ‘Wake me up before you Go Go’ does he mean – wake me up before you leave leave, or wake me up before you leave for your job as a go go dancer?

Five most played songs on my iTunes

I had originally planned to make ‘Ten most played songs of 2016”, but weirdly enough iTunes doesn’t show me that information. There is a theme in this list, majority of the songs are quite slow. I enjoy music that allows me to think, but is powerful enough that it distracts me, because I’m obviously a fucking music guru. I have decided to listen to each song as I write about it, y’know raw emotion and all that shit, which is ruining Ru Paul’s drag race for me just by the way. Some of these songs mean quite a lot to me, some of them are just awesome. 

1.     Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins.

Play count: 590

Date added to iTunes: 02/06/2013

Let me just begin by saying, this song is honestly just a two minute and fifty-two second instrumental.

I play this song on repeat for a few reasons. It helps to calm me when my anxiety attacks become just a little too real, it really helps me concentrate if I need to study, and it put kids right the fuck to sleep. There is nothing I don’t love about this song. The piano is strong and the focus of the song. For me, it perfectly replaces lyrics. I don’t personally hear a story as I listen, but it does take me to a very calm place. If I could learn any song on the piano, this would be it. The strings in the background definitely add to the calming tone, but I really feel like the piano on it’s own is enough.

2.     Make You Feel My Love – Adele

Play count: 128 (huge number difference!)

Date added to iTunes: 29/10/2013

I am a huge Bob Dylan fan, but Adele’s rendition of this song is absolutely perfect. I generally prefer originals, I love older music, but I would absolutely dance to this at my wedding. Hell, I would even serenade the lucky bastard! This song is, again, very piano heavy, but obviously the focus is Adele’s angel voice. Is there anything this woman can’t do?! Fuck Beyoncé! When I die, I want to come back as Adele. I love strong singing voices, they give me chills. I will literally listen to a song on repeat 20 times if the voice is good enough. It of course helps that I love the original.

3.     America – Simon & Garfunkel

Play count: 105

Date added to iTunes: 14/06/2014

I’m surprised there isn’t more Simon & Garfunkel in this list; I listen to them every time I feel anxious.

This is one of my favourite Simon & Garfunkel songs. I can listen to it in any situation.

I get very real chills in two parts of this song.

- ‘It took me four days to hitch-hike from Saginaw’ I just like the way this part is sung. There is no other way to put it. C-H-I-L-L-S!

- “Kathy, I’m lost” I said,  though I knew she was sleeping. “I’m empty and Aching and I don’t know why.” I have always felt like this specific lyric stood out to me more than any other lyric I have ever heard. When I hear it, I feel like I wrote it. That’s the best way for me to explain it. I have written and re-written a hundred different ways to explain how that lyric makes me feel, but nothing else feels more right.

4.     A Million Love Songs – Take That

Play count: also 105

Date added to iTunes: 26/09/2013

I’m not even embarrassed. Gary Barlow is an angel. Back at it again with the piano strong songs, this one is a classic. It’s definitely another wedding song. I don’t really have much in depth stuff to say about this song, I just like singing it to be honest. You’re welcome neighbours. I’m disappointed in myself for this one, but the only person who can get deep about a Take That song, is Gary Barlow.

5.     Freedom – Wham!

Play count: 92

Date added to iTunes: 08/11/2015

Hands down, the best Wham! song ever. I’ve listened to this song at least 4000000 times in my lifetime. George Michael’s voice does things to me. The man is an absolute treasure. I could dance completely sober to this song, anytime! It is another one of those songs that I can’t really get too deep about, it’s freakin’ Wham!. It’s honestly just one of my all time favourite songs. R.I.P. George.

6.     Ha Ha You’re Dead – Green Day

Play Count: 83

Date added to iTunes: 26/01/15

Believe it or not, I can get pretty deep with this one. It’s basically a punk rock song written by a bunch of twenty-something’s, so it’s as mature as you’d think. The final chorus of this song goes as follows;

Ha ha you’re dead

The joke is over.

You were an asshole, and now you’re gone.

As your ship is going down, I’ll stand by and watch you drown.

Ha ha you’re dead.

Ha ha you’re dead.

Ha ha you’re dead.

I remember absolutely screaming this chorus on the way to work after being dumped. Good times. I belt this song out anytime anyone fucks me over, actually. I’ve used this song as anger management since I was about 13, it works wonders.

I accidentally did six, you’re welcome. 

Mood Playlists.

I have like three moods so don’t get too excited. I’ll give a brief description on the reason each song is in these playlists, but over all you’re welcome because these are some of the best songs the world has to offer.

Ten songs’ I listen to when I’m super anxious.

Landslide – The Smashing Pumpkins

The first version I heard of this was by The Dixie Chicks and I know it’s a Fleetwood Mac song, but Billy Corgan’s voice speaks to me on another level when I’m all fucked up.

Candle in the Wind – Elton John

Elton John could bring me down from just about anything. What a voice! What a man! What a song!

One Crowded Hour – Augie March

I could listen to this song thousands of times over, and I genuinely would not get sick of it. It is music genius. MUSIC GENIUS I SAY!!!!!!

Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold

M Shadow’s voice is fucking beautiful. It is only his voice that calms me, but I like to listen to slow music when I’m anxious, heavy metal would just work me up.

Tangled Up In Blue – Bob Dylan

The first time I heard this song was a cover by The Whitlams, so I was actually surprised to learn that it was a Bob song. Bob Dylan is definitely one of those artists that I could probably listen to his discography in its entirety when I’m anxious, but this one is a favourite.

Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth – David Bowie & Bing Crosby

I don’t even give a fuck that this is meant to me a Christmas song. Also, fuck Bing. This choice is honestly all about David Bowie’s voice. This is the first song I have ever heard David Bowie sing that gave me butterflies in my stomach. It’s so beautiful.

My Way – Frank Sinatra

I discovered this song after heard Sid Vicious’ version, which is obviously equally as calming.

Be Calm – Fun.

I read this information years ago, so if it’s wrong… well I don’t give a fuck. This song was actually written by the lead singer during a panic attack, and speaks to me so personally. It basically talks me down. “I know you feel like you are breaking down. Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes. Be calm.” You got it, buddy. Obviously not a cure for anxiety, but it sure as fuck helps.

Yer Spring – Hey Rosetta!

This is just a very slow and peaceful song. I actually discovered when I saw The Living End Once.

Last Hope – Paramore

I think this is another song that really speaks to me when I’m down or anxious. It’s definitely about overcoming obstacles and coming out stronger. There is one part of the song that I usually play over and over. “It’s not that I don’t feel the paint it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore.” I wish I were that deep sometimes.

Ten song’s I listen to when I’m feeling nostalgic.

You Sound Like Louis Burdett – The Whitlams

I remember being maybe 7 years old, and begging my Mum to let me say the F word in the song. She always said no, but I mouthed it anyway because I don’t play by the fucking rules.

Another Saturday Night – Cat Stevens

I know for a fact that this was not the song that my Dad likes most by Cat Steven’s but I just have memories of it being played A LOT.

Real Men – Joe Jackson

Another song my Dad played to death. I heard it for the first time in about 5 years on the radio a few months back, and instantly had ‘nam like flashbacks to my childhood.

I Feel Possessed – Crowded House

Again, a song my Mum wouldn’t have played the most when it comes to Crowded House, but it’s just one of those songs that takes me back whenever I heard the chorus.

The entire Bad album - Michael Jackson

Let me tell you a story! I can’t remember exactly which birthday, but I feel like it was my tenth. I had just heard of this little Indi artist called Michael Jackson. I’d gotten the HIStory album that I played to death. You’re welcome Mum and Dad. My grandparents came over for dinner, and brought a large box for me to open. Inside this box were several things, but most importantly Michael Jackson’s 1987 album Bad. I have memories of literally picking up the album and not giving a shit about anything else. I chucked that sucker into my discman and the rest is history.

Keep On Movin’ – Five

Every time I hear this song, I remember having my CD player sitting up on the window with that song blasting, while bathing. Good times.

Whatsername – Green Day

There are hundreds of Green Day song’s I could’ve chosen. This one specifically, I remember listening to on my MP3 player on the bus to and from school on repeat. I would stare out the window, just to make sure I looked as depressed as my music made me seems.

Dead! – My Chemical Romance

I used to have a dance to this song. Actually, there’s a video of me on YouTube somewhere dancing to this song. I used to act like a psycho teenager when listening to this song.

English Army – The Living End

Besides the fact that this is actually my favourite one of their songs, I used to have this DVD which had several videos of live performances on it. I used to listen to the live version of English Army all the time. Also, I’ve seen The Living End like 14 times, and they have not played it once!!!

Last Beautiful Girl – Matchbox Twenty

Honestly just another song my Mum played to death.

Songs that just generally give me some goddamn chills right down my spine.

I’m just going to write the lyric that gives me chill’s. Although, its actually the way the lyric is sung that gets me.

One Crowded Hour – Augie March (Yes, I’m mentioning it again because it’s that good.)

I completely relax when they sing “What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom

Let Her Cry – Hootie & The Blowfish

“Last night I tried to leave, cried so much I could not believe she was the same girl I fell in love with long ago. She went in the back to get high, I sat down on my couch and cried. Yellin’, “Oh, mama, please help me””

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane

I like all of these lyrics. What a good fucking song!

So Far Away – Avenged Sevenfold

“I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise. But I’ll see you when He lets me, your paint is gone, your hands untied” insert cry emoji

Under Pressure – Queen ft. David Bowie

Like I need to just choose one fucking lyric.

Run To The Water – Live

“A million mile fall from grace, thank god we missed the ground.”

The Deepest Blues Are Black – Foo Fighters

The whole chorus is sung so well!!!

You Are Not Alone – Michael Jackson

I do the best version of this song. THE BEST. I used to jam to this with my karaoke microphone in my bedroom when I was younger.

I Walk Away – Split Enz

“Your life, slave to ambition”

Fin.

[optionaldiary-blog]

01-02-18 (11:04 AM)

log playlist: I Loved You – Day6 // Rocket – Seventeen // Dreamin’ – Got7 // Sun, Moon, Star – KNK // Melted – AKMU // Champagne – FTIsland // Tell U Dat – Boyfriend // Love You – KNK // I Wait – Day6 // DNA – BTS // White T-Shirt – Jonghyun // Agust D – Agust D // Just U – Jeong Sewoon prod. GroovyRoom // Tomorrow, Today – JJ Project // Without You – Seventeen // Swim – Bobby // Shelter – Porter Robinson // Icarus – JJ Project // Dope – BTS // Travel – FTIsland // Green Window – AKMU // Congratulations (Final Ver.) – Day6 // Fast Pace – Seventeen // All Alone – Day6 // Cherish – EXO-CBX // Butterfly Girl - EXO

Good morning to me, as I just realized that the people who might be reading this might read this at a time different from now. Since I decided on that log playlist yesterday, let’s talk about the song that started this log: I Loved You by Day6. This song is a very mellow sort of sound, and talks about how someone loves someone so much that it hurts, and they hate being in love with them because of the reason that they can’t hate them. So, pretty sad, but I love it so much. Day6 is more of a band rather than an idol group, so obviously their songs have a completely different feeling from idol groups like Got7. They also prefer to do much slower songs, like I Loved You, though they also have some really hardcore songs like I Wait and How Can I Say. In any case, Day6 is definitely my favorite band, because their sound is so unique and diverse. They have their own color to the point that I could probably recognize if a song is very Day6-like.

           Anyway, since the track shifted from I Loved You to Rocket by Seventeen, let’s talk about whatever it is that happened this morning. So, I woke up in a good mood today, which, considering the fact that I had been waking up on the wrong side of the bed the entire December break, is pretty surprising. But it’s a pleasant feeling. I mean, I have to savor this rare time of me waking up fine and not wanting to not wake up at all, right? Right. Anyway.

           So, I just came back from buying a rewriteable DVD from a store so I could burn those videos I mentioned the previous log. To be honest, I’m not someone who’s completely confident in being independent enough to do things on my own. I’m kind of awkward when it comes to buying stuff on my own, and going outside on my own—basically doing anything outside without help. When it comes to academic stuff, or doing work on my computer, or doing household chores, I’m pretty well-off. I think I can survive without any help when it comes to things like that. I mean, I can’t cook that well yet—I mean, I can cook, it’s just that I don’t know a lot of recipes. But give me a recipe and I can make something decent. But anyway.

           Yeah, I don’t think I’m good at handling things outside the four walls of this apartment. I mean, I can buy things at the grocery, and I can order stuff at fast food restaurants, but I’d be extremely awkward in doing so. You won’t find me at ease at all. I can get the task done; it’s just that I don’t feel like I’m in my own skin when doing so.

           I’m sixteen years old. At this point I should be able to do such things with ease, I know. I guess it’s just the fact that I don’t feel comfortable when facing things I’m unfamiliar with. Like going outside and interacting with people at stores, or at the palengke (which is like the farmer’s market, except it’s an every day thing, and not just on the weekends, as I have heard), or at restaurants. I don’t even know how to pay the bills, or use an ATM on my own, or any of that. I’m good at talking to teachers I haven’t met before, at going to places in my school I’ve never been to, at checking the reliable sources on the internet, at doing the chores, and all that jazz. New things scare me, but I guess that isn’t anything new to anyone. Everyone gets scared by new things; it’s just that some people are better at adapting than others.

           Thinking about it, I think if I was with people around my age, I’d be more comfortable with doing such things. But when I’m with, say, my mother, or my older sister, or my father, I tend to become more dependent on them since they’re so reliable. I lean on them because I can, but when they’re gone, there’s nothing to lean on, and I’ll probably end up falling. But when there are people who are even more unreliable than I am, then I’m gonna have to do all the unfamiliar tasks by the sheer force of necessity alone.

           Anyway. What else. I don’t really have much to talk about.

           Oh, wait, the birds. Right.

           So, I mentioned that I lived in an apartment, right? In the kitchen portion of this tiny space, there’s this big window that opens to the view of a wall of a big building, and the wall of an even bigger building, and some tiny buildings’ rooves. So, directly under the window is a green roof. A few days ago, my mother started throwing the leftover rice over on that that roof. Some birds would occasionally gather around the rice and start eating them. They’re cute little things: brown, and small, and round. I’d call them fat, but I’ve seen some pretty fat bird pictures online, so I’d say they’re chubby at most. Cute and chubby.  

           Anyway, you know how birds are easily spooked by any movement, right? Yeah, sometimes I’d accidentally have two ceramic plates clank really loudly, and any bird who was eating would immediately fly up into space and never come back. (Okay, that’s an exaggeration; they do come back, after a while.) But yeah. I think with time we can have our own army of birds as long as we keep feeding them leftover rice.

           Thinking about those birds makes me realize how much I wanna raise chickens and ducks in the future. I mean, in the future, I’d want a farm filled with chickens and ducks. That’d be so cool. I’d love to have a peaceful life like that.

           Like, I’d be living in this house of two stories, and there’d be a garden and a place for my chickens and ducks. It has to be a place with lots of wind, so either near the coast or on a mountainous area. So, like, either in Ilocos or the Cordilleras. Anyway, I want there to be a porch and a rocking chair, so I can rock in that rocking chair while I feel the wind pass by. I wouldn’t have any kids, because I’d be a high school teacher, teaching at a school me and my sister founded. And I’d also write stories and read books and tend to my garden and my chickens. A pretty peaceful lifestyle is what I want.

           I just want to achieve peace in my life. No chaos, no discord—just pure, uninterrupted peace. That’d be the life, wouldn’t it?

           What else do I want to talk about. Well, right now, I’ve got my music up in almost-full volume since my mother is grinding some chicken right now, and it’s pretty noisy. What’s playing now is Agust D by Agust D from his mixtape Agust D. Which is a pretty hardcore rap song. Most people are surprised when they find out I listen to really hardcore (there really isn’t a word in my vocabulary that I can use as well right now) songs like that. I think people view me as a very peaceful person, or at the very least, very quiet.

           At school, I’m generally very quiet. I also keep to myself, but that’s because I find comfort in being alone. I like being with myself, and at times, that’s enough. I mean, I got Intrapersonal as my highest Multiple Intelligence for a reason. Though, sometimes, I guess being alone is lonely. Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to and laugh things about, but most of the time, I have my own agenda in life, and talking to other people takes me away from my plans.

           For example, during lunch breaks and after classes, I learn Korean via self-study. I have this notebook where I write my notes while looking at my phone, which has all the PDF files of the lessons ready. For some reasons I won’t tell right now, my mother doesn’t like it when I learn Korean. She thinks it’s not a top priority and that I shouldn’t focus on it, which I totally get, but the thing is, learning about the Korean language is something that I find fun it. It was literally just an impulse decision that I ended up loving. It’s just such a cute language, I mean—the literal translation for “tears” is “eye water,” and the literal translation for “voice” is “throat sound”. It’s just such a wonder to learn, and I guess the fact that I also listen to Korean music certainly helps me feel more attached to learning. Because now, I can actually understand some of the words, phrases, and sentences as my learning progresses. But my mother doesn’t like it when I learn Korean, so I have to do it in secret and as sparingly as possible. And the only time I can learn Korean is either (a) when she’s not home, and (b) at school.

           So, I’m sure you’d understand why lunch break is such a crucial time for me. I don’t have all the time in the world to learn an entire language freely, and I’m already like twenty lessons behind from what I intended to study. And right now, it’s December break, and my mom doesn’t leave the house as often, and when she does, I’m doing some other work that isn’t learning Korean. I use up all my lunch break and the hour after school to study Korean. So whenever someone comes up to me to hang out, I have to grit my teeth and force myself to talk to them.

           I don’t want to be rude to that person—they’re actually pretty fun to be with. It’s just that I don’t value social relationships as much as I value my work. Lately though, whenever they come over from the other class and they see I’m doing my work, they just greet me sweetly as usual, and move on to talk to someone else. Which I think is very understanding of them. I never actually told them how much Korean means to me, so the fact that they leave me to my own devices means a lot to me. I wish I could be a bit more social to them, maybe through Messenger, but like I said, I don’t really value social relationships as much as my work.

           I don’t know. I love interaction, but there’s a limit. Social interaction drains me, to be honest. I don’t hate people, but I’m a lot more comfortable without them. If I were to be ideal, the best social interaction I’d have with close friends is hanging out in comfortable silence, doing our own work, and just being together. With a hug or two, or maybe exchanging some words. But never a full-on conversation. Talking drains me, and tires me. So, for me, a low-maintenance friendship is the best kind of friendship.

           Since we’re on this topic, why don’t we talk about my take on romantic relationships? First off, I’m a Muslim. And Muslims don’t have this “dating” that you all speak of. We don’t date, period. But we do marry, often times arranged. And before you guys say something like, “But aren’t forced marriages against your rights as a human being?” Please. It’s nothing like Mulan 2, alright.

           I’m not sure about other Muslims, since the ways might differ from country to country, but I’m referencing my dad right now, and he works in Saudi Arabia, and he references his best friend, so that’s the basis for this explanation. Anyway, how does the arrange marriage work in Muslim families? Well, for starters, one situation would be for the parents to decide on a potential guy. This is mostly for their daughters. So, the parents see this guy and think, “Hey, he looks pretty cool. Kind, religious, honest. Maybe he’d be great for our daughter!”

           At this point, most people would think that the parents discuss the marriage with the guy, and suddenly the girl gets married off to a total stranger without her consent, like Annaliese from Barbie: Princess and the Pauper. But that is not the case. The parents go to the daughter in question and ask her what she thinks of this guy. If she says yes, then yay, there’s a newly married couple! If not, then the parents will have to do better next time. Like what Samirah al-Abbas said (this quote might not be entirely accurate since it’s been months since I’ve last read Magnus Chase, and I haven’t even finished the first book yet), “Sometimes, the parents actually care what the daughter thinks.”

           Another situation would be the guy and the girl meeting each other to see if they’re good for each other. In this scenario, there would have to be a third party (usually for the girl) to make sure the two don’t go beyond the lines Allah drew. It’s not like the third party is gonna be this hovering, brooding person who watches your every move, nah. They’re just gonna be there in presence and let the conversation flow whatever, as long as no one crosses the line. And, just saying, if any of you think this is too “oppressive” or “against my rights as a human being”, first of all, don’t judge a culture when you don’t even know the reasons for such. No one even complains about it. Everyone is okay with it. So, stop pointing fingers and calling us oppressed because that is so dumb.

           Anyway, yeah. Where was I? Right. Anyway, the two meet each other and talk about whatever, maybe their common interests, what they’re jobs are, etc. They can meet up for as many times as they want, but don’t do anything that only married couples can do. And when they finally decide that they want to marry, then yay! More married couples for everyone.

           I don’t even remember how I got to this. I think I was supposed to talk about my take on romantic relationships or something. Anyway, what do I think about a potential love life? Well, personally, I don’t want one. I don’t want to marry, and I certainly don’t want kids. The thing is my principle is that if I were to have kids, I won’t have a job. Why? Because I have to be there for them, 24/7. Children need their mothers, and if their mother is always at work, how can they grow up under the nurturing care of someone who loves them? Yayas or nannies might help, but only physically. They don’t have the same love a mother has for their child. They can’t replace a parent.            

           You see, I want to work as a teacher. A high school teacher at a school my sister and I founded. I want to help students learn the best way they can, to be an inspiration to them, so they can be inspired to inspire and be the best they can be. That’s my dream.

           So, I can’t put kids into the picture because I know that if I try to juggle work and family, my own children will be neglected. And that is not fair to them.

           Besides, aren’t teachers basically like parents to their students? Like they say, school is your second home. Also, according to Allah, the best job isn’t being a doctor, or an engineer, or a scientist. It’s being a teacher.

           Anyway, now that I’m exhausted from typing so much (I haven’t even started on Chapter 3 of my fanfic), I should end this log here. It’s now 12:37 PM and the song ending this is Butterfly Girl by EXO.