#but also thinking about if im gonna die from cancer or something is so terrifying

[patheticfrogarchive]

anyway tw for me talking abt my asshole 

ANYWAY update on my anxious breakdown re: my colon and asshole. my ass is bleeding like its BLEEDING for about a month now every 2-7 days ill go to either pee or poop, wipe, and then wipe again, and theres a tiny lil spot of blood. and i kNOW its not from my uterus bc 1) im not on my period every day of my life 2) i specifically like. pat my hole to see. like it was a TINY amount to begin with i mean i wouldnt even have noticed it if i wasnt specifically looking for it and it was always just one dot and thats it. never mixed in w my pee or poop that i could see, never randomly throughout the day, always jsut one lil dot

BUT OF COURSE im paranoid so i fucking ordered an at home lab test colon cancer screen so i shat in a box and mailed it in and SURPRISE they found no blood in my shit nothing wrong with me and youd THINK that combined w my 100% normal bloodwork would finally calm me down but NO im still worried

i dont actually know the human body anatomically but i remembver reading something that was like “ur colon is on ur left” so magically  a few weeks ago i started feeling like. a vague ache/twinge/whatever in my left side like up near my chest and like of course i go “fuck its my colon im dying” even tho my dad was like “you stupid thats not where ur colon is”. amazing that i only started feeling something after expecting to feel soemthing

anyway my parents are convinced its a hemorrhoid and my mom has a LOT of experience with those so like, she would know. anyway yesterday my asshole like, felt itchy and bad and uncomf and i felt like there was something like... slipping out of it??? anyway my mom says thats a hemorrhoid and sure whatever but im still freaked out. anyway today at work i went to drop a turd and my ass bled that little dot and i was like ‘ok thats a little more than usual’ and i patted AGAIN and there was more blood. and more. and like, ok it wasn’t actually a lot like its not like i was bleeding out  and it wasnt gushing or anything but compared to the previous times it was more, but also im finishing up my period so ??? but also i specifically only patted my butthole. and it happened every single time i went to the bathroom at work, even if i just pissed. and my asshole felt like, scraped raw and it was itchy and uncomf and i hated it. 

so during my lunch break i called my doctor and made an appointment to get examined in like 2 weeks which. im obviuously GONNA do it bc while this is prob just a combo of shitty retail rough toilet paper, me rubbing too hard, and me giving myself a hemorrhoid by straining too hard a month ago, id rather be safe than sorry. but also i am NOT looking forward to having a FUCKING FINGER up my ASSHOLE i barely managed to get thru my first vaginal exam a few months ago idk how im gonna get thru a fucking finger up my goddamn ass

and also when i got home i was like ‘ok im gonna check my asshole in the mirror and its gonna bleed i bet but at least ill see it’ fufcking nothing. no bleeding, magically not itchy and raw anymore, i even got some toilet paper and rubbed at it but??? nothing??? and like idk what an asshole is supposed to feel like but everything seems completely normal lmfao. tho sometimes it feels like. not liek my ass is gonna fall out but like. like theres a tiny thing in my ass thats ABOUT to come out but when i go to try and poop it out nothing will come and i dont actually feel like i need to do a whole poop. its like somethings stuck in my hole but there isnt anything??? anyway that feeling comes and goes like i had it a month ago and then it went away afte rlike 3 days but its back  now and ugh

anyway my current hypothesis is that its just shitty target sandpaper toilet paper ripping my asshole to shreds and also a hemorrhoid that i gave myself. but also i cant help but worry bc im fucking bleeding from my asshole and im terrified im gonna die at the ripe age of 23 of colon and/or asshole cancer.

i also have had like. not a headache not dizzyness but SLIGHT ever so slight like. lightheadedness? idk i feel off headwise so of course im like “oh my god im anemic bc im bleeding internally” even tho my bloodtests from like a month ago showed that if anything ihave MORE red blood cells compared to last time i got tested and im not in fact anemic. but also idk anything medical and so of course im like “BUT WHAT IF THINGS HAVE CHANGED” anyway in an ideal world i would probably be getting a blood test every week bc im fucking paranoid.

 i have also been sleeping horribly due to anxiety lately so im prob just tired but bASICALLY IM STRESSED LMFAO 

if anyone read all this. sorry. 

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[the-elegant-espeon]

I was tagged by @vanilla107

1. What takes up too much of your time?

social media (mostly here/twitter with discord and amino sprinkled in) reading and pokemon as well

2. What makes your day better?

talking to my friends, both on and offline ones!

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

today was pretty lazy but I caught a Detective Hat Pikachu in PoGo! (it appears when you take pictures of your caught Pokémon instead of Smeargle to promote the movie)

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

any show that I love tbh, so Duckburg/other places in the Duckverse Hogwarts/ harry potter’s world

also the pokemon world OBVIOUSLY 

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I try my best!

6. Do you have any mental illness?

I have ADHD

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

no that sounds terrifying 

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Lindana, Love Handel, and the Hex Girls

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

no! I think I crush on ppl easily, but I need to get to know them better before I “fall in love” that also would entail knowing some of them irl

10. What’s your dream date?

see a movie, go for a walk, and then hang out and talk

11. What do others notice about you?

My smile!

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I pick at my lips and my fingernails a lot. mostly because I get fidgety and need to do something

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

never really had one so no? technically?

14. How many exes do you have?

zero

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

oof about 249 in my regular playlist, because some of the versions were taken off amazon music and I haven't replaced them yet

on my disney/kids music playlist I have 291 but only because I just dumped the Detective Pikachu soundtrack in there so I didn't forget. once I listen through it ill remove some that I don't like as much/instrumentals

16. What instruments can you play?

I can kinda play piano. took lessons for a few years and can still remember the basics

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

pets and screenshots of stuff

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Japan and England are the two that come to mind right now

19. What is your zodiac?

Cancer

20. Do you relate to it?

Yep!

21. What is happiness to you?

curled up on the couch reading a good book

22. Are you going through anything right now?

im in a group project with two ppl that are kinda difficult to work with. they just need a lot of direction, and I can't always be that person to direct them.

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

leaving this one blank for now

24. What’s your favourite store?

the book loft is such a great place! its a local bookstore that just has rooms and rooms and rooms of books. like you think you've finally gone through all of the rooms and then more just appear. its one of those places that looks tiny on the outside but in reality is huge

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

Her body her choice.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

nope

27. Do you have a favourite album?

been listening to Jack Johnson’s Curious George album lately. a few of the songs were already in my playlist but hearing all of them really brought back memories. honorable mentions to Daft Punk’s album Discovery, used in the movie Interstella5555 (such a great movie btw) and Michael Buble’s Caught in the Act (live) album, another one that brings back lots of memories.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

not much, probably some books and Pokemon stuff

29. What is most people’s first impression of you?

anywhere from lots of energy to a little shy

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

people have thought I was like 20 (this was a few years ago and granted I was dressed up)

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

next to me on my bed so I can hear my alarm

32. What word do you say the most?

Fork! (or around people my age Fuck!)

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

19/20

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

because im about to turn 18, the youngest i’d date is 17 1/2

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

gonna think about this one too

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

a few pop songs here and there, and a bunch of other random stuff. also musicals

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

id love to live somewhere with ancient buildings tbh

38. What is your current favorite song?

All Will be Well by the Gabe Dixon band. its an older song but it’s in one of my favorite episodes of Parks and Rec, End of the World. my favorite song released in the last few years is Simple as This by Jake Bugg

39. How long have you had this blog for?

two years!

40. What are you excited for?

hanging out with some of my best friends next week!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I can talk a lot about some things, but I love to listen too

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

I started making a map round to look like the earth, tomorrow im going to make it spin in Premiere

43. What do you want for christmas?

I celebrate Hanukkah, but I’ll probably want something for my Switch

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

right now im only in one class, but I have a good grade in it! I generally enjoy Language Arts/English classes and Arts classes!

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

7, im a little tired from doing nothing all day lol

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

have a job that I love and a wife/gf as nerdy as I am!

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

when my ex-best friend’s family started getting all weird when my parents split up. to make matters worse I occasionally run into her at the theater sometimes. then there was that one time, years later, when we went to the same pool, hing out there for a while, and then she was like, “sorry im have my bday party here and im only allowed to invite 6 ppl and you're not one of them”

(shoutout to her dad for being pretty cool tho)

48. What age do you want to get married?

mid-late 20′s but if it happens later that’s ok. this is just the earliest I'd like to be

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

an astronaut 

50. What do you crave right now?

im always craving ChipotIe tbh

tagging @pit0hui @metachiral and @thefangirlmonarchy 

(don't feel like you have to do this)

[firelord-frowny]

a bunch of rambling about madison and his history and my writing process under the cut, woooo

So, pretty much everything I’ve ever written about Madison for the past 11 years has been very much in a ~diary~ style - more or less stream of consciousness and told in the first person, with varying tenses depending on the nature of the diary entry. 

i don’t really do any sort of planning or mapping. madison’s life just kinda unfolds, and i document it for him, and it isn’t always in chronological order, his narrations aren’t always reliable, and i’m pretty much never aware of any foreshadowing or allusions or allegories as i’m writing them, even though they’re definitely present. 

the bit i was just writing captured my attention bc of the things that just sort of uncovered themselves after i was writing it.

madison is 26. his mom died from breast cancer when he was nearly 19. they had a hella sad relationship for many reasons, the majority of which had to do with his mom’s failure to protect him from abuses acted out upon him by his much older brother, and their dad (who wasn’t actually madison’s biological dad). the whole truth of the matter was that the dad was a whole grown man, like 27, when he began a predatory relationship with madison’s mom, who was only around 14. his family owned the business that employed madison’s mom’s parents, and so they were kind of manipulated/extorted into allowing this creep to make off with their daughter. he moved her away, knocked her up, married her, and pretty much just kept her as a pet and was decidedly Very Bad to her. 

madison didn’t grow up knowing about any of that and pretty much always viewed his mom as a stupid, selfish woman who didn’t care enough about her own children to get them away from an abusive spouse. for most of his life he tried hard to earn his mom’s love, but gave up in his mid-late teens and decided to just hate her, and make sure she knew he hated her. 

then she gets ill, and pretty much from the onset, it’s clear she’s not gonna live much longer. she tries to make amends with madison - tries to apologize for things and whatnot. answers some questions that he deserved to have answered. but he wouldn’t forgive her, and stayed angry, and made sure she knew he would always be angry, and those were the circumstances she died in. 

then he kinda lost his mind and went awol for a few years before resurfacing. 

madison had always been one of those reckless types who doesn’t really actively try to hurt himself, but he’ll let himself get into situations where there’s an above average chance that he’ll be hurt or even end up dead. and so, that’s the lifestyle he dove into when he ran off. but shit got a bit more real than he anticipated and suddenly he realizes - wait, i’m gonna have the rest of forever to be dead, im not so sure i’m okay with not being alive so soon. 

but by the time he had that change of heart, he was in way too deep in some really perilous shit and he spends the next two years fighting to keep his head above water long enough to get out of the shit he was in. 

So, he finally turns up back home like a coughed up furball on his best friend’s/ex lover’s doorstep, and he confronts all the wreckage he left behind, and then also has to deal with the fact that after everyone he left behind cleaned up all that wreckage, they all thrived in his absence. they’d all been struggling in a similar manner to him before, but once he was gone, they got carreers, they reached goals, they made enjoyable lives for themselves. And he’s stuck grappling with the fact that maybe he was the one holding them all back all those years. 

in the midst of all this, he’s sick. like, physically ill with Something. and he’s terrified to see a doctor because, remember, he FINALLY wants to live, genuinely wants to be ALIVE, and now he’s scared he might have a life threatening health issue, and he’s too scared to find out for sure. 

and as he begins the process of unpacking all these horrible feelings that made him build such a shitty life for himself, he kinda realizes that it all goes back to his determination to Stay Angry and Stay Hurt. Like. He went out of his way to avoid any form of closure or release because I guess he kinda felt entitled to his anger. 

so, slowly, he starts kinda going back through time and walking through the things and people and places that shaped the person he chose to become. he breaks into visits his childhood home. his brother died by suicide when madison was 16, and so he couldn’t confront him about a painful secret they shared, so instead he confides that secret secret in the one friend he knows might understand the impact it had on him. 

his mom is dead, too, so he can’t change anything with her, but his mom’s sister still lives in boston, so he goes to visit her. 

that visit is the thing i was writing about earlier today. 

the aunt was about 8 years old when madison’s mom, at 14, ran off with the man she ran off with. but over the years, the sisters still managed to keep in touch, and madison’s mom told her a lot about what life was like with her husband and two sons. 

so, madison hears a lot of stories from the aunt. learns for the first time that his mom was just a kid when she was basically taken captive by an abusive grown man. learns how she met his biological father, learns that she’d intended to leave her husband and move to south africa to be with madison’s real dad, and learns that she abandoned that plan in fear after her husband discovered she was pregnant and assumed the baby was his. 

that ~painful secret~ between madison and his brother is the fact that the brother, 17 years madison’s senior, sexually abused him a few times. (on the final time, the dad caught them, and proceeded to abuse him as well on just one occasion, but that detail isn’t super relevant here). 

at some point after the abuse, madison overheard his mom on the phone telling someone that she “hopes he doesn’t end up queer, because I think [older son] might have messed with him.” 

madison discovers that the person she was talking to was his aunt. 

and he’s immediately livid and heartbroken and let down to know that she didn’t try to intervene in any way. 

and she’s sorry, she’s remorseful, she’s been ahsamed for years and she wants to do her part to help madison be able to live a happy, healthy life. 

so, there’s a moment in madison’s internal dialogue where he’s realizing that he actually believes her when she says she’s sorry. 

and then there’s this bit that kinda shook me when i read it back to myself:

If my mom hadn’t died when she died, I don’t think I would have believed Aunt Carol. I think I would have been happy to just give her the finger like I did with mom. But now I have to live with that choice, and I hate it. I’m never going to be someone whose mother didn’t die believing I would never, ever forgive her. And I think, at least, that the one silver lining in it is that the part of me that was capable of holding on to that kind of grief and contempt died with her. 

So, I believe Aunt Carol. I believe she’s sorry, and that she would have done better if she’d known better, as the proverb goes. 

it’s this moment where he has an opportunity to sort of vicariously fix things with his mom. he gets to experience what it might have been like if both he and his mom had been emotionally healthy enough to make better choices. He can’t actually change what happened, but he has the privilege now of knowing that he has the capacity to be someone who can forgive someone who loved him for doing something horrible to him. he gets to understand, finally, that forgiveness has shit all to do with absolving someone of their sins, and has everything to do with releasing oneself from the burden of contempt. 

he figures out: yeah, he’s entitled to his anger, but he also deserves to not be angry. he has the right to stay angry at his mom for failing him so miserably, but he deserves to live without that anger. 

and i just!!!!! absollutely did not actually think through any of that. like. that wasn’t my intended point of this whole scene where Madison visits his aunt. All I really meant to do was just document this event in his life, but wooooow. 

Look where it took me. 

[i-amusemyself]

All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?

[b00bstone]

half the ask the blogger questions please u can pick which ones

so i think this is half

2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?

my moms dad. because he was apparently bi. and my mom doesnt talk about him a lot so im curious. 2. van gogh. i feel like we would get along. we are both depressed and wanna die. and like to paint. altho hes wayyyy better than i could ever hope to be. and 3. celestine. i really fucking miss her. 

3. What makes you laugh?

not a lot tbh. my sense of humour doesnt make a lot of sense but thomas sanders usually does. 

9. What do you like to do on the weekends?

sleep and cry. 

13. Tell me one surprising fact about you.

i like exercising. i dont do it because i never have energy but when i do (as long as its something fun like biking or hiking or swimming) then i really enjoy it. 

the rest is under a readmore  because this post is long af and it gets kinda depressing... (i hope i did it right)

15. What were you like as a child?

not much different than i am now. annoying and selfish. 

16. What are some things on your bucket list?

i wanna go to space (which is crazy for someone whose two main fears are heights and the dark)

i wanna kiss someone really cute and have that feeling that all those poems and songs and books and movies talk about. the magical one. 

i wanna get married. like the white dress and the reception and everything. 

i wanna go to pride parade.

i wanna go to a gay bar

i wanna be so in love with someone that it makes everyone else simultaneously jealous and hopeful. like of course someone that loves me back too. 

i wanna live somewhere like seattle. 

i wanna go see a broadway musical in person. 

i wanna go to a concert

i wanna have REALLY  great sex. 

i wanna travel the world. 

and ill end it there or it could go on for years. then this post would get REALLY long. 

23. If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be and why?

its ur life. do with it whatever the fuck u want. and if people object then flip the bird at them and say fuck u i only get one of these and ill live it how i please. because maybe if younger me had heard that id be braver and actually be able to find in me the courage to leave this house behind and carve out my own little hole in this world. 

24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?

a plane fully stocked with fuel and a pilot. the pilot comes with the plane and the fuel so it all counts as one thing.

29. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

buy myself a house far away from everything and everyone and move all my fav people there and their fav people and just chill there for a while. 

30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

the ability to get a rough idea of the future. like good or bad. u know. 

32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?

Imelda Staunton

34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?

trump. one day is all id need. 

39. Are you a picky eater?

yes. i hate meat. i always have. and as a little kid i didnt even know how animals were treated. i just hate the taste. adn i hate cooked veggies. raw veggies are ok but cooked ones are gross. and spinach is gross. and there are a ton of other stuff i could list 

41. What beverage do you consume most often?

energy drinks. i had like 5 today. 

42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?

hair. 

44. How are you feeling right now?

sad.

48. Do you love yourself?

fuck no. 

49. When was the last time you cried and why?

like 5 seconds ago. because im depressed and hate myself. 

53. Have you ever flown in an airplane?

yeah. i was terrified of it as a little kid. 

55. Are your parents or guardians strict?

well the only people i know whose parents are worse than mine on the strictness scale i recently realized have abusive parents so id say yes. they are rather strict. 

57. Have you ever been in love?

yeah. requited love? nah.

58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

the only time it is acceptable to bite ice cream is if it is in sandwich form. 

59. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life ever apologize?

no i still havent apologized to myself yet. 

60. What are some of your turn-ons?

confidence. but like humble confidence. vulnerability. being into me. 

61. What are some of your turn-offs?

cockiness. being an asshole. not being into me. 

63. What are you thinking about right now?

my turn ons and offs and how much i hate myself.

65. Do you ever illegally download entertainment such as music, movies, etc.?

… ok so if ur from the FBI i need u to look away. ok now that the FBI isnt reading this. yeah i illegally stream movies and tv shows. not so much music tho. ok FBI u can continue reading now. 

66. What is your zodiac sign?

cancer

67. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?

i dont know. i mean it makes sense. karma that is. predestiny is kinda depressing but i was raised in a very christian enviroment and the bible is confusing on that. so i dont really believe in it because then like my reason for living outside of people and my dog is almost completely gone.

68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?

to my romantic soulmate: if ur out tehre come find me bitch. im lonely and want someone to kiss. 

70. What is your stance on abortion?

i think its not my decision to make for other people. i dont think i would eget one personally but if someone else wants to then thats their choice and they should be allowed to make it. 

71. Do you believe in ghosts?

yeah. it just seems plausible. 

75. What do you daydream about?

having friends. and a bf/gf. being happy and seeing my friends and boyfriend or girlfriend all the time. not living here. i also fantasize about killing myself sometimes. or just dying in general. but its mostly about having friends and a significant other.

76. Where do you want to live after retirement?

i dunno. maybe switch between hawaii and alaska. or just hawaii with occassional trips to alaska.

77. What would you change your first name to?

joseph. 

78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! theyd get what i mean. 

82. What do you worry about most?

being alone forever and everyone hating me as much as i hate me

83. When was the last time you tried something new and what was it?

last weekend. it was food. 

84. Who do you compare yourself to?

lots of people, one person specifically whose name we will not use tho is blub. im not gonna give away any info on this person. but i kinda hate them for no reason. theyre a nice person that i barely know but i hate them and theyre so much better than me. which is part of why i hate them. 

86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?

annoying. needy. selfish. weird. ew. 

89. If not now, then when?

good question. when someone wants to date me. 

90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

yeah 

91. What activities make you lose track of time?

talking to friends. crying. sleeping. 

93. What is your biggest regret?

not dying earlier? 

95. Are you a messy person or a clean person?

messy messy messy. 

97. How tall are you?

like 5.5 o5 5.6

98. What is your guilty pleasure?

eating a ton of cheetos. and also using bathbombs and facemasks. 

99. Do you prefer sweet or salty?

lately salty more. but my fav is cheesy.

100. What is your favorite social media website?

tumblr is a hellsite but probably tumblr. 

                                                                                                                       thanks for asking my depressed ass some questions!

[wellsjahasghost]

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy your fics! I was even thinking about printing out Survivor's Guilt so I could put it on my bookshelf. Read it 2x so far and the beach scene made me cry every single time! And your Reincarnation AU: the accuracy of your research, amazing! How did you actually decide on which places and historical events you wanted to use? And were there some you really wanted to but stayed a draft? Do you want to give us a tease? Keep up the work! Thank you :)

………PRINTING IT OUT AND PUTTING IT ON YOUR BOOKSHELF?? Im speechless ??? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD LIKE SOMETHING I WROTE /THAT MUCH/

before i truly start crying let me actually answer ur question perhaps… under the cut.

I knew HYSA was gonna start roughly 1000 AD and I initially wanted to try and get a lifetime from each century leading up to canon. I literally googled “world events 11th century” “world events 12th century” etc to find stuff I might be interested in LMAO… I made a list of events and chose from there. That’s how I came up with the Jerusalem plot, and the Khan Dynasty (honestly, as soon as I saw Genghis Khan had a half-brother named “Belgutei” I was sold). I also really wanted pirates!bellarke and witch trials!bellarke so I did some research into lesser known pirate locations and witch trials. And I also wanted a lifetime in the Philippines to honour Bellamy’s heritage so that’s where the orphanage one came in. Then there was SO MUCH STUFF from the 19th/20th century that I had trouble choosing. Did I want to do 1920s gangsters!Bellarke, Titanic!Bellarke, Victorian!Bellarke, WWII!Bellarke, or ? I eventually went with Cold War Bellarke because I had a brain wave to use the Berlin Wall as a device to keep them apart, lol.

BUT WAIT. Let me tell you about this ONE life that I actually spent time developing that I never got to put in. YUKON GOLD RUSH BELLARKE: Bellamy is a prospector looking for Gold, stops for supplies in the shop that Clarke works in. They decide to get married to take advantage of a loophole in the law which I found on Wikipedia aka the most reliable source to exist:

Under Canadian law, miners first had to get a license, either when they arrived at Dawson or en route from Victoria in Canada.[161] They could then prospect for gold and, when they had found a suitable location, lay claim to mining rights over it.[162] To stake a claim, a prospector would drive stakes into the ground a measured distance apart and then return to Dawson to register the claim for $15 ($410).[162] This normally had to be done within three days, and by 1897 only one claim per person at a time was allowed in a district, although married couples could exploit a loophole that allowed the wife to register a claim in her own name, doubling their amount of land.

ANYWAY, you can see how this lifetime was gonna go. Basically a fake marriage AU. I ended up not doing it because the emotional storyline felt too similar to other lifetimes that ended up in the fic, but I still really love the plot bunny. 

Also…. in my earliest idea of this fic, Bellarke never remember each other UNTIL the canon lifetime… and there is no end to their reincarnation; they simply find each other again in the post-canon life. Obviously, this isn’t what happened in the final fic, but I actually did write these scenes before I decided to change it, so since you asked for a tease….

Many years— decades— pass.

It turns out if earth doesn’t kill them, their bodies do. Cancer should be expected, really, after all they are living on a radiation soaked planet, and their bodies are only barely equipped to metabolize it all. It only makes sense that it would all slow down at some point, and Earth would catch up with them in the end.

(But they ran as fast as they could until then.)

Now Clarke is nearing her time, unable to move from her bed, and Bellamy is afraid. He’s got the cancer too, but she’s worse.

She’s going to die soon, and he’s terrified.

He voices this, and Clarke reaches up with one near-emaciated hand to tug at one of his curls. He can see just enough of it in his vision to see the silver in it. “At least we got to grow old,” she tells him, voice raspier than usual. “Not everyone can say that.”

They’re not that old, although they look it, he supposes. Clarke’s got more lines around her eyes, around her mouth in laugh lines. Some of them are from age. Some from illness. Either way, she’s his best friend, and so she’s beautiful.

He takes her hand, interlacing their fingers. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“Not for long,” she says lightly, and he huffs a laugh.

“You think?” He’s always argued that their remembrance of their past lives broke the curse, that this life is the last one for them.

But she’s always argued different. “I know,” she says, fervently.

She exclaims it so passionately, looking so earnestly into his eyes, that he feels he has no choice to believe it. It makes his heart hurt less, at least. He leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, but she makes a noise, tilting her head up. He hesitates, because he doesn’t want to kiss her lips, waste what little energy she has left, but she’s looking at him with a kind of fierce desperation— desperation for him— that he feels he has no choice but to concede.

When their lips touch, she surges up with surprising strength to kiss him properly.

He gets lost in it a moment too long and she falls back into the pillows with a tired huff. He instantly feels guilty, but there’s a brightness to her eyes from the kiss, and he would never wish that wasn’t there.

“Kiss me as soon as you see me in the next life,” he tells her, trying to keep his tears at bay with a joke. “So we don’t waste any time.”

Clarke smiles a little painfully and says, “It was  never a waste of time.”

“I know,” he replies softly. She’s not done, continuing earnestly.

“Just getting to know you before any of this— before remembering any of the lives we’ve lived before— was one of the happiest parts of my life.”

He knows that. “Is,” he corrects. “Is one of the happiest parts of our life.”

She doesn’t answer. The light is fading from her eyes now; the blue, roaring oceans of her irises fade into blue paint dry on a canvas, nothing compared to the real thing. This is it, he thinks, and an anxious feeling rises in his chest. He’s just— he’s not ready. He’s not ready to live his life without her, however brief it might be.

He squeezes her hand. “May we meet again,” he manages to say through his tears.

He doesn’t expect her to say anything more, but she does, a cracked whisper using up the last air in her lungs— and her mouth turning up in something of a smile at the end.

“We will.”

YEAR 2300

She sees him for the first time in the Skybus terminal.

He’s on the other side of it, and yet he catches her eye immediately. Dark haired, wearing a blue jacket and black jeans with boots the other side of the terminal he turns around suddenly, as if sensing her watching. She sits up straighter without meaning to. He stops in his tracks.

Their gazes lock, and then collide.

His eyes are dark brown, so dark in the low light of the cloudy day that she really shouldn’t know their colour. But inexplicably, she is hit with a strong sense of deja vu.

And with that thought, comes a landslide of others.

Snippets of things, really— lips on her lips, warm and comforting, hands touching her skin, a deliriously giddy feeling taking flight and then settling back low and warm in her chest over and over and over again, and fire. So much fire.

But even through the fire, she hears his voice. Gravelly, pitched low. But it’s there. It makes something stir restlessly in her soul in yearning. In familiarity. Some deep part of her just knows that voice is his— belonging to the dark-haired man in front of her.

All this happens in the space of a single breath, and when she exhales, so does he. They stare at each other for another second, and she’d almost think that he’s sorting through the same questions in his head.

Then, unexpectedly: He tips his head and smiles at her.

It’s a small and slow one and maybe even a little shy. And yet, it bedazzles her, strikes her speechless. She’s buoyed by it, even though maybe he’s not feeling the same thing— maybe they’ve just been staring at each other too long to be socially acceptable so he felt like he had to. But that doesn’t stop her from giving him a very overeager sort of wave from across the terminal.

His smile doesn’t fade, and she finds her own lips stretching into one as well. I know him, her heart sings. And he’s home.

He comes closer, and he’s heading for the same gate, she realizes with a start, that her flight is on. “Hi,” she says to him.

A pause. He blinks at the sound of her voice. Then:

“Hi, Clarke,” he says.

Her heart rattles. The way he says her name is extraordinary— his deep voice softens like butter around it, and she’s electrified. “How’d— how’d you know my name?” she asks.

He nods over to her boarding pass that she’s clutching onto. Looking down, she realizes that her name is boldly printed there in plain sight. “Oh,” she laughs a little, ducking her head at her own foolishness. But it’s funny, because— she could’ve sworn he just knew it.

His small smile widens almost imperceptibly. “I’m Bellamy,” he tells her, and she nods because that sounds about right.

“Bellamy,” she repeats, tasting the word on her tongue. It’s sweet.

He nods and hitches his bag higher onto his shoulder. “Nice to meet you.” It’s the polite thing to say, but it feels sincere somehow. There’s a beat of silence, and then, almost as if struggling with it, he slowly slides his gaze away from her and walks away, towards the departure gate.

She watches him stroll away, rooted to the bench yet simultaneously feeling like an invisible rope is tugging her towards him. She is seized with a strange desire to go after this stranger and only barely manages to fight it back. She doesn’t know him, she tells herself. At least, not yet. She can’t just run after him right now. She’ll probably see him on the plane; and if not, she’ll find him in Arrivals.

Decided, Clarke settles back into her chair, but keeps her eyes on the man until he disappears from sight into the throng of people. Instantly, she feels that urge swell up again but she squashes it. She’ll find him later. There’s no need to rush, after all. 

They’ve got all the time in the world.

You’ll recognize some of those lines because I recycled them into the actual fic haha. I do that a lot. The last bit, with them in the Sky terminal, was me filling a prompt that came into my inbox– that prompt is actually what inspired me to write this entire fic, and it didn’t even make it into the fic ! lmao. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed a little insight into my writing process, and thank you for your question! I’m super flattered that you were interested in knowing. :’)