nosleepfoxtales

[nosleepfoxtales]

I do i.t. for the supernatural. Today I met the off-brand three stooges.

"So, ah, what did you do once the slime had, um, given birth to you?"

I sighed. My therapist was doing her best with what I was giving her. It's hard when one person is thinking metaphorical and the other literal. 

"Well. I still had it's many children clinging to my jacket and slacks, so I shook myself off like a wet dog," I wasn't even sure this therapy was helping me. To her, I was just having some very fucked up dreams. 

I didn't lie to her. But when someone tells you they were eaten and birthed by a giant green cube, it's hard not to have a little doubt. 

"Hmm. And what did you feel then? Free? Unburdened?"

A snorted chuckle was all I could muster because to be honest, I felt PISSED. Less like the ham stuck in a poorly designed 1960's jello mold, but still pissed. Was it ham? What the hell were they putting in that jello, anyways? Who's idea was that? The original creeped me out, so I definitely didn't have any love for it's apparent descendant, cube mother. 

I held back the sigh this time, "Like I need to address my problems head on." 

and find that bastard Eli and get some answers, I added in my head. 

After our session, I went straight to Moe's, my favorite hookah bar. No relation to the simpsons, I assumed, as it was run by a jovial Indian man named Gaurov. I had been trying for two years to pronounce his name and was still butchering it, but he was always very nice about it. 

"Pi-pi!" his eyes lit up as soon as he saw me, golden irisis filled with mirth. 

"You have to find a better nickname, Gau."

"Okay, I'll GO right now!" he laughed, a deep belly laugh and slid a red hookah from the counter beside him, "Pi-pi, this flavor is called Sex on the Beach. If you're not getting it, you can at least taste it."

I scowled at his grin, shaking one fist at him while using the other hand to snatch the hookah. 

"Who wants to fuck on the beach, man? Do you want sand in your nethers? I didn't think so," I plopped a guard on the tip of the pipe and took a good breath in, "Not bad, though."

"What I can do for you, miserable lady?"

"I need to talk to Eli. He's not picking up my calls and the last job he sent me to is going to be the most challenging case of my therapists career."

He laughed again. 

"Haven't seen him, milady. You've got some jello in your hair, did you know?" he picked a piece out of a shock of hair next to my ear, "Someone was hungry."

My face was going to get stuck in a scowl if I didn't stop, so I smiled at him, making some excuse, and we chatted for a bit about his grandkids and his various Nascar bets. 

"You know you're the only non-white trash person who watches Nascar, right?"

He pouted, shook his head in mock sadness.

"White people can't have nothing nowadays, can they?"

Once I left the bar, I intended to just keep calling Eli until he picked up, but not even 20 paces past, I was jerked off the street into an alley. I stamped my boot in a puddle and got mud all over my jeans.

"Dude!" I yelled, unceremoniously. 

"I'm not a dude." the voice was deep, harsh, bubbling, "And no one can hear you, so screaming is a waste of both of our time."

I gaped up at the man who was speaking. He was broad-shouldered, in a deep grey suit and shiny black shoes. His hair was nicely tucked against his head, an ebony matte, very sleek looking. 

I didn't say "You look like a dude to me," because one, well, I'm nonbinary so who am I to assume people's gender. 

But second and more importantly, the two figures beside him were definitely not human. Crouching back in the shadows, hunched over and poised with a restlessness that said they were ready to spring at a word, lackeys was the only word that could come to mind. A human man wouldn't have paranormal lackeys hanging on his every word.

They were both horrible, but in opposite directions. One was fat and unkempt, his clothes loose and his face stuck in a scowl.

See? I thought manically, It does get stuck that way.

The other was like a business slender man, far too tall and gangly, hunched over and seeming to lean on the wall for support. They both wore the same style of suit but it didn't fit either of them like it did the main guy, hanging loosely in some places and clinging tightly to non-human shapes in others. I couldn't make out either of their faces very well, besides noting the displeasure in both.

I had been alternating between gaping up at this guy and nervously sliding glances towards his henchmen for 30 seconds, so I cleared my throat and tugged my shirt down, Picard style.

"Uh, what can I do for you, big guy?"

"I am not a 'guy', either. You are a human," his voice was deadpan.

"uh, yes, i, um, am," my glance slid for the first time toward the street, which was odd for me since I'm always looking for an exit plan. I guess I was just flabbergasted by being accosted by Benny and the jets in broad daylight.    But a shimmery filter seemed to separate me from the street. Even the light in the bubble we were in seemed replicated, like warm fluorescent lighting. 

"You have been playing with a man named," he paused, seeming to think as my attention was snapped back to him, "Eli? Is it?"

He took a step towards me, and I hit the wall of the alley taking one back as well. 

"Uh, I'm not sure playing is the right word," I stammered, one hand flat against the wall behind me. The long skinny form behind him growled a low growl, seeming to vibrate. He shoved off the wall and began clambering towards me. 

Fuck. Of all the times to be unarmed. My therapist got nervous whenever I brought blades into the office, especially since the ones that I'd need for protection were pretty sizeable. Plus a lot of them had 'sacrificial' in the name, which she also wasn't a fan of.

I squeaked and leaned as far back against the wall as I could, but Boss man gave him a cold over-the-shoulder look and he stopped dead. He muttered miserly, before slowly returning to his awkward lean against the brick.

"He has been here too long," he sent a wistful glance to our left, into the main street where dozens of humans strode along the sidewalk carefree, "He needs to go home."

His glance flicked back to me and the entire power of his cobalt blue gaze hit me all at once. His eyes would have been attractive had he been human, but the light green ring around the outside of his pupil gave him away. Olive colored and sapping darkness from the deep blue iris, the ring constantly moved, shaking as it circled the pupil. As it was, it just made me feel like prey being played with by a predator. 

"You will refrain from contacting him or there will be consequences. Is that understood?"

He seemed like the kind of guy who was used to his questions being rhetorical, even the idea of refusing comical. It lit a small fire in me, chasing the cold of fear out for a moment. 

"Listen, not-dude and not-guy, I'm a contractor, okay? I go to who pays me. Keep your quabbles between you," my voice started strong but shrank bit by bit until I was almost whispering the last word.

The goonies behind him had seemed to swell half their size, and the light in the bubble slowly transitioned from the dull blue to a light glowing pink as he stared steadily down into my face. 

Feeling like a coward but not really caring because I, you know, like to live, I started sputtering.

"Look, there's a thousand other people on this block alone that can do what I do. Taking out ONE of his techs isn't going to get him to do what you want. Honestly, I'm not sure what will, he's the most stubborn dud- uh being I've ever met. If you're having issues, I know a great therapist," I finished weakly. 

"ENOUGH," Slender business man screamed loud enough for me to flinch and cover my ears like a kid at a concert. He slammed his fists into the wall to shove off and began rushing towards me, his clambering steps bouncing his small gangly head. 

I noticed a smell I hadn't before, which I wouldn't have recognized without Eli's interference. I mean, honestly, how many of you know what brimstone smells like? It really didn't give me much help for the current situation, but I filed it away for just in case I survived.

Before I could move a muscle, the man in front of me snapped his fingers and slender business man exploded. Like, full on, inside out, exploded. Pieces of him rained down as I stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the gory rain coming down around us. 

"Ah!" I flinched back as a piece landed on my arm and burned it's way down. I frantically wiped it on my pants, the true victim in all this, and suddenly I noticed why his stride was so imbalanced. 

In his wake, his footprints were imprinted into the cement. He appeared to be melting through the concrete with every step, the footprints cutting off right where he exploded. 

"Okay, bud," I started, "And I don't care if you're a bud or not. Either explode me or let me go because I promise you, you're not getting to Eli through me. He's not even picking up my calls."

"Hmm. This might be more troublesome than I first thought."

Beginning to deeply regret my haste, I backed towards the street, the frizz from the barrier pulling my hair to stand on end. 

His penetrating gaze bored into me, and as I placed a hand up to the barrier, I saw someone walk by, barely sparing a glance into the alley. But they did look, nonchalantly, and then back to the street. She couldn't see me, I realized, my heart dropping. I was truly alone with this malevolent being and who knows if they'd even leave my body? I was going to just vanish without a trace.

I turned back to see him, hands in pockets, striding towards me calmly, his jacket tails waving casually around his forearms. 

I searched my brain for what I could possibly say to him. I didn't even know what he was, let alone how to negotiate for my life from him. 

As I was debating my willingness to pray to the ether, he had come up just about chest to chest and I stared up at him, trying to puff myself up. Not sure why, he's not a bear. I guess it's human instinct to try to make yourself look big when cornered. 

"You should have listened, Woman."

He raised his hand and I closed my eyes, not wanting to catch sight of any of myself exploding around the alley. Before I could even squeak again, something soft banged against the back of my knees, causing my legs to buckle underneath me. A flash of silver popped up in front of me, topped by a familiar growth of onyx curls.

I let out a short shriek as I landed on my ass, moaning and rubbing my hip. 

"She's not a woman, she's a non-binary," Nathan explained simply. 

I swore and, ignoring my swollen hip, snatched him backwards. 

"Nathan," I hissed, "get the fuck out of here. What the fuck are you doing?"

"You're not supposed to say 'Fuck'," he said. 

"You're not supposed to say fuck, Nathan. I say fuck because I have very good reasons. Now-"

"How come you're not calling me squirt anymore?" he asked, sulking. 

My emotions could not have been more upheaved at this moment. Nathan is Eli's nephew, whom I had been tasked with babysitting not long ago. With how obsessed this guy was with Eli, this was the absolute worst place for Nathan to be. My resignation at being taken out by an anime character was quickly replaced with a fresh batch of fear. 

"Squirt, please, blink back home and I'll come visit you, soon, okay?" I was pleading with him, clutching him by his slender shoulders. My shaking voice was not going to be able to summon the mom voice by the time this kid was a splat against the concrete. 

"Olgir?"

Nathan did a 180, gazing up at mr. scary eyes and squealing with glee. 

"Uncle Sloane!"

I groaned loud enough for people outside the bubble to hear, and the man mirrored me to my surprise. 

"You've gotta be kidding me." I moaned.

"How do you know my nephew?" Sloane asked, then dipped his head, "Ah, obviously. My brother put you together."

"Brother?" I squeaked, furious, "You were going to kill me so your brother would come home for a freaking visit?"

He lifted his chin, looking down his nose at me. 

"I wasn't going to kill you, stupid human. I was just going to put you in another universe where you wouldn't be in my way," he sniffed and adjusted his jacket, pulling down his sleeves. 

I was incredulous.

"Oh, okay, well that's fine then," I said bitterly, and somewhat shockily. 

"Uncle Sloane, that's mean," Nathan frowned up at him, "Auntie Piper is my friend."

"Oh, Auntie Piper is it?" he asked, bemused, his enourmous hands shoved back in his pockets. 

"Where is Uncle Eli, Olgir?" Sloane asked, particular poison in the words Uncle Eli. 

"Uncle Sloan," Nathan elongated his name, emphasizing it, "Up here, you call me Nathan. 'You can call me Nathan', right, Auntie Piper?" 

He was beaming at me but I could only stare at him in a stupor, alternating my gaze between him and Sloane. 

"Is there anyone in this family not trying to kill me? Just curious," I pushed myself up, brushing the stray pebbles from my pants, before heaving a huge sigh and placing my hands on my hips. I was out of emotion, I had wrung myself dry between being snatched by Senpai here and thinking, for the second time this month, that I was about to watch this kid die. 

Sloane scoffed.

"My brother would never let a woman die under his care."

"She's not a woman, she's a-"

"I don't care about your petty human politics," he spat, his former ruthlessness bleeding through, "and neither does my brother. He's tolerating it because you're of use to him. Don't let your tiny human mind become confused into thinking he cares for you."

"Okay, Jordan Peterson," I replied, chuckling at his confused expression. Now that he was scowling, I definitely saw the resemblance to Eli.

"How many times must I remind you, I am not a dude, and I am not a guy, and I am not a Jordan Peterson."

"Okay, Sloane, first off, I was never under the delusion that he 'cares for me'," I bunny quoted with my hands even though I doubted he knew that particular piece of human culture, "I've still got fucking sentient jello in my hair."

He cocked his head, clearly still confused, and I decided tutoring whatever he was in the human world was beyond my abilities at that moment.

"And second of all, I'm just hired help, okay? I'm not the one keeping him here, and away from," I gestured wildly, "wherever it is you're from. You need to talk to him, not me."

"Hmm." he said in a sound of dismissal. 

"Come, Olg-," he sighed in disgust, "Come, Nathan. Let's go see if we can find Uncle, hmm?"

Nathan gave me a friendly wave and skipped off, hand in hand with my would be executioner. Or...travel agent, I guess? I peeked around them and saw the fatter of the lackeys melting into mist, leaving a pile of soggy clothes to rot in the alleyway.

Frazzled but out of energy to think about it, I watched them stroll away before returning to Moe's and checking my phone. Six missed calls from Eli. 

"You better be dead," read a text from him. 

Oh, don't you worry, Eli, I thought, this was a call I couldn't wait to return. 

[nosleepfoxtales]

I do I.t. for the supernatural. Today I faced the most evil thing in creation. Printers.

I was desperately trying to scrub blood out of a microfiber cloth when I got Eli's call. 

"City morgue, you stab em', I slab em'," I answered.

"Ha, ha, ha. Very funny," his rumbling voice answered, but I heard a smile in his voice. 

"What can I do ya for, boss?"

"I've got another job for you today."

"Okay, well, I've got the Locke job scheduled for 2, and it's 12 now, so I'll have to swing by after."

"Actually, I just need you to guard something for me for a few hours."

"Damnit Jim, I'm a technician, not security detail," I quipped back, knowing full well I was going to end up looking after whatever it was. I just hoped I would stay in this dimension this time. 

"My name isn't Jim," he answered, puzzled. 

"Yeah, it's from Star Trek. You've never seen Star Trek?" I was in disbelief. 

"No, who are they?"

I laughed, "Nevermind. Okay, what is it and who am I protecting it from?"

"You'll see soon enough and mostly from itself," he said with that smile in his voice having transformed into a smirk.

"Damnit, Eli, you can't expect me to keep working these weird ass cases for you without giving me any information. I haven't forgiven you for that Keith Kline fiasco. I still have invincible black goo on my duffel and I had to throw out all the clothes I was wearing," I cut my tirade short when I realized he'd hung up. 

I sighed, pulling the phone away from my ear, when I saw a flash of movement to my right. I jerked my head in the direction of the flash and my vision was suddenly filled with a round, grinning face. 

"Eeeeaaagh!" I yelled, gracefully. 

He was leaned on both arms on the arm of the couch, a small brown boy wearing a striped shirt and green cordoroy pants. In response to my jolted scream, he returned a toothy smile and shook his curly raven coils out of his face. 

I blinked dumbly at him for a moment before sputtering, "How'd you get in here, kid?"

"Oh, I can tele-hop. That's my trait. I got it when I was 7. That's early for my people." He leaned that grinning face on one hand, swaying his hips around as kids that age are prone to do.

"Tele-hop?" I squeaked. I'd backed away from him, scrunched onto one side of the couch, holding a pillow in front of me as the ultimate defense.

"Tele...uh...Tele something. I forget what you guys call it," he plopped onto the couch next to me, "I can move instantly, like right away, ya know?"

I nodded, my mouth not having shut in 45 seconds. 

"Okay, uh. What, uh, are you doing here?" I finally sputtered. I've got some very basic warding around the house shown to me by a witch I helped out once. Whatever this kid was had to be more powerful than your average house witch. 

"Uncle Eli told me to come over," he was now kicking his legs against the couch, picking at the lining of the arm. 

I groaned softly, dropping my head in realization. This was the asset he was talking about. This was what he wanted me to look after? I skimmed a glance over the kid. He was probably 4 foot something, maybe 9, 10 years old? His bouncy black curls fell into his face, framing it's cherub shape. 

"You're his...nephew?"

The kid glanced down and back up. 

"Oh, you're wondering why he's like a tan color and I'm like this brownish one?," he continued at my nod, "When we get our vessel, we don't really think about the color, so we mismatch a lot of the time."

I'd settled, putting aside my combat pillow.

"Vessel?" I asked.

He gave me a slightly baleful look from under his curls, and a mischievous smile. 

"Uncle Eli said you'd have a lot of questions but that your brain is too small and I'd explode it, so I better keep my hole shut,"

I digested that for a moment, unsurprised that Eli was boxing me out of any useful information once again.

"Okay, kid, what's your name?"

"Nathan," he turned then to look at me with piercing almond eyes, "Is there anything fun to do around here?"

My head spun with horrible ideas of what a small powerful creature such as this would find fun to do with his 'vessel'. 

"Uh, I've got monopoly," I said weakly.

Nathan pouted, sinking into his seat.

"Those pieces are gross. They just taste like plastic."

"Well, you're not supposed to eat them, Squirt," the corners of my lips quirked up, watching him cock his head onto his shoulder and whine. He was just another kid. 

He smiled, and his eyes lit to a bright green.

"Whoa, color changing eyes. That's new," I ducked my head to get a better look into his emerald irises. 

"I like that. No one's ever given me a nickname, before," he was smiling and I saw a missing tooth on the left of his two oversized front ones. My heart melted a bit. Supernatural abomination or not, this kid was cute. 

"Okay, Squirt. Here's what we're gonna do. I've got a crisp 20 here, we're going to go to the dollar store and load up a cart, then you're going to come back here and play at Auntie Pipers so I can go do another job for your uncle."

"Uncle said your name was Witches?" he cocked his head in confusion.

"Well, he likes to give out nicknames of his own," I scowled, "I'm non-binary, do you know what that means?"

"Nope."

"It just means I don't particularly feel like a boy or a girl. Your uncle Eli is, uh, a little confused about this, so he calls me witches as a joke. Like I'm two people. It's a bad joke," I scowled as I finished my lame explanation. 

"So, he's making fun of you?" he frowned at this.

"No, when you're friends with someone, sometimes they try to rib you, to poke fun at you. It's sort of like a bonding thing?" I thought for a moment, then sighed, "Or maybe he is making fun of me, honestly I'm not sure. Let's go get some water pistols, Squirt."

We had a blast at the store, picking out colorful bouncing balls, water guns, a yo-yo, a little sandcastle kit even though we were nowhere near the beach, and a hula hoop. We also picked up a couple Lego kits I hoped would keep him busy until I returned. 

We returned to the apartment and dumped our haul on the coffee table, spreading out the colorful array of treasures.

"Okay, Squirt," I glanced at my watch, "it's a quarter after one. I'm heading out but I'll be back in a couple hours. Promise me you won't leave this apartment and remember that I have demon blades that will kill anything," I wasn't totally sure where they were, but for children, the threat was more effective than the punishment, "I will carve fluffy unicorns into your forehead and then everyone will make fun of you. K?"

He grinned up at me and nodded his head. 

"For the record, though, I like unicorns. They smell nice."

I let that one go. I figured I might be able to squeeze one or two more nuggets of information out of this kid by the end of the day, and I didn't want to waste a question on unicorns. I just nodded, blew out a breath, and swept my bag up on the way out the door. 

"My number is on the table, call me if anything happens, okay?" I called as the door clicked behind me. I turned around and flinched.

"eeeaaaaghhhh!" I repeated.

Nathan was standing right in front of me on the sidewalk. 

"You've gotta stop doing that," I complained on an outward breath.

"Uncle Eli told me I had to stay with you."

I sighed, looking him up and down. At the end of the day, he was just a kid and he was trying to follow the rules.

"Okay, bud. Go grab some toys."

On the way, we talked some more about what he liked to do. Apparently he was a big fan of baseball cards and also of talking to lizards. I asked if he could understand them and he looked at me like I was an idiot, so I just chuckled and let it go. He also likes to grow flowers and talk to them as well. I kept all stupid questions to myself that time and just told him my mom also grew a lot of plants. We made plans for him to visit her so they could trade green thumb secrets.

We arrived at Loche Mechanics headquarters at a quarter til 2. My contacts name was Connie Loche, and she met us in the lobby in a prim pink dress, chunky gold earrings decorating her pointed ears. 

"Welcome to Loche Mechanics. May I have your name?" she asked. Her voice was deep and rich, a contrast to her elegant frame. 

"You can call me Piper," I said with a smile. 

"And I'm-"

"And you can call him Nathan," I quickly cut him off. 

He gave me the side-eyed look children give adults when they think they're treating them like children. I nudged him sharply and gave him what I hoped was a good imitation of the look my mom gave me when she needed to discreetly tell me to shut the fuck up. 

Connie's head cocked, and she seemed to look me up and down anew. 

"I'm here to look at your printer situation. Eli sent me."

"Oh, wonderful. It's right this way, Ms. Piper and Mr. Nathan," she gave Nathan a kind smile and turned on her heel, leading us back through the hallways to the main cubicle farm. 

"Oh, she's not a miss, she's a non-binary," Nathan stated confidently.

"How interesting," Connie replied, her pink tinged smile curving up at the corners. 

I sent Nathan another of my mom looks.

"Ms. is fine, it's no biggie to me," I smiled and she continued leading us through the office.

Everything was a shade of beige here, from the walls to the floors to the decorations. The spare artwork or slapstick mug gave a small splatter of color to the room, underneath the harsh fluorescent lights.

As we plodded down Grey hallways, Nathan bouncing along beside me with his hand adorably clinging to my back pocket, I wondered about why Eli would send me here. It seemed human to me. Somewhat dull, but aren't all offices? We passed rooms with bloated, Grey-haired businessmen and women in spazzy business suits sporting reserved versions of popular hairstyles. 

Connie excused herself once we got to the machine, simply saying 'This is our only means of printing. We must have it back up immediately,' before turning and striding smoothly into a corner office nearby. 

"This must be really important," Nathan said, eyeing the machine.

"Here's a trade secret, bud," I whispered, "they all say that about any issue they ever have."

I winked, he grinned, and I popped the top off the machine. I ran my finger along the edge and came back up with a blue smudge. Why were all my tickets resulting in goop these days?

Wiping the goo off on my pants, I quarter turned to continue whispering to Nathan. 

"Also, you always want to say 'You can call me Nathan'. Names have power, or so they say," I half-smiled, feeling goofy talking voodoo in a big corporate office, "They say if you give someone your name, it gives them power over you. Me? I'm a wuss, so I'm not taking any chances."

"A wise choice."

The voice just about scared me out of my pants. What is that instinct that causes us to jump straight in the air? How is it helpful for survival? It just makes running take longer.

Or turning, in my case. I swiveled around and my head fell straight back as I gaped open mouthed at the being in front of us. I glanced briefly at Nathan and saw his mouth shaped in a perfect O. 

He stood maybe 5'7, wearing a crisp white button up, beige slacks, and shiny black shoes. But I assume Nathan was reacting more to the monstrously large inky black shadow engulfing the man. The man was aflame with onyx vapor, waving in the AC unit blowing down from the ceiling. 

Now and then a purple or blue puff would float from his body and be instantly engulfed by the shadow. 

He was smiling. His hand was out, and I regarded it with care. I should have known Eli would never send me to a human office. If I shook his hand, was I agreeing to some kind of deal? If I refused, was I offending this being? Did the human even know the tar monster was attached to him, some kind of symbiotic demon deal? Or was this some kind of dark matter monster sucking the energy out of this poor, boring human? 

I was near panicking, trying to remember anything like this in my experiences. Dread poured off of this thing, weighing me down like being drenched on a humid day. I felt sweat instantly bead on my forehead and I wiped my damp palms on my pants. My pants were not fairing well out of this experience.

He laughed, an off putting high pitched squeal. Orange light flew off of his body and flooded into the fog and it squirmed around. Happily? I can barely read human social signals, don't ask me to interpret the cloud.

"I'm called Arnie. It's not often I meet a human who knows the law of faerie but given who you're with, I can hardly be surprised," he smiled down at Nathan, and Nathan moved closer to me. 

Arnie's tone was friendly, but Nathan's response raised my hackles. I always trust kids' reactions, they're notoriously bad liars. 

"You can call me Piper. Is there something I can do for you?" I asked sweetly, pulling Nathan a bit more behind me and deciding to forego the handshake. 

I had never seen anything close to this cloud. For all I knew, I could be agreeing to sell Nathan to him and Nathan's safety was more important than mine. If I let anything happen to him, Eli'd kill me anyways. Plus, look at the kids goofy face? C'mon.

"Oh, I was just saying hello. Not often you meet royalty, after all," his smile was sour, sly, and I no longer wondered if they were merged. The look on the man's face was vile and worse, practiced. I doubted the cloud was making him make it, but I didn't care, I wanted this guy gone. 

In the best case scenario where he wasn't a threat, he was pulling attention to us. Several heads swayed from their computer screens to our direction. I immediately knew this man was not the only anomoly in here and that we did NOT want the attention of more of them. 

"Well, as soon as we get this guy up and running, we'll be out of your hair," my smile was sweet and my voice was light, "Have a good one," I said the last dismissively before turning around.

I started explaining boring printer basics to Nathan, tinkering in the printer as I wiped the sweat from my face with my shoulder. I was really hoping just ignoring this thing would make it go away. It seemed to be feeding on the guys emotions, right? So, maybe if we just starved it of attention, it would go away? Regardless, I wanted to minimize the scene. Nothing happening here, folks.

Nathan had made himself small, flicking glances behind me as I squatted to dig around in my duffel. 

"Hey bud, wanna hear a joke?" I tugged on his shirt sleeve.

His glance flicked to mine and I smiled goofily. 

"Why," I began conspiratorily, trying to ignore my drenched face and the darkness around us that just seemed to be getting deeper, "don't eggs tell jokes?"

He shrugged and I gave him an obvious look and said, "Because, Squirt, they'd crack each other up."

I poked his chest as I finished the punch line, and he giggled. And just like that, it was like the sun came out. All the heat I hadn't noticed gathering around us dissipated and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Arnie striding back down the hall with his hands in his pockets. 

I clapped a hand on Nathan's shoulder and blew out a breath. 

"Looks like we got away with it, champ," I was still grinning, this time with relief. 

After I cleaned the printer off, I started it up and it began printing. It was a laser printer, so I had no idea where that blue smudge was coming from, but after our close call with Arnie, I wanted to skedaddle. 

Connie walked back up just then and smiled at the printer. 

"Oh, wonderful. Thank you very much, Piper. What a disaster that would have been," she laughed musically. 

I smiled. Every client thinks the worst disaster that can happen is productivity going down for 10 minutes. 

"No worries. Now we'll get out of your-" I cut myself off as I glanced around, noting that every one of the people had now risen. 

Black clouds surrounded us, waving irritably to and fro. They took one coordinated step towards us and I snatched my duffel with one hand and the collar of the boy with the other. 

But it was too late, I saw. The exits were covered with people, surrounded by dark splotchy galaxy clouds of dread filing in from every door. 

They marched in sync towards us, filling the space with beige bodies soaked in ink black smoke.

I bent down and whispered in Nathan's ear.

"Remember your tele-hop, Squirt? I need you to use it to get out of here."

"I can't tele-hop you, Piper!" his voice was high and panicked, and I put a hand on his shoulder, flicking an anxious glance at the angry clouds closest to us. 

"Dude, I've come out of worse, I swear to you, I'll be fine, but if anything happens to you, your uncle will turn me into a kebab, okay? GO," I said the last forcefully, not having any direction in general to push him so just shaking him by the collar.

"But-"

"NOW." I said in the absolute sternest mother voice I could possibly muster, the kind that shakes the lapels and inspires the fear of God. 

His eyes grew enourmous, his bottom lip quivered, and he teared up. 

"I can't!" he cried, "It goes on and off, I have to be calm, and I'm too afraid! I'm sorry!" he was sobbing now and I swore, which is not a great reaction but it was all I had. 

I clutched him close to me and turned towards Connie, who was just smiling, arms crossed. 

"Folks, is there any way we could talk about thi-eeeaaaaghh!" I said for the third time that day, forming what I saw to be a troubling pattern. 

This time it was in response to a much smaller, high-pitched wail from a dark blue creature that was rising off of the finished print from the printer. It ripped it's way into three dimensions, pulling itself up from the paper, leaving tendrils of purple slime in it's wake.

It was like overgrown grapes, bulbous pieces sticking out at odd angles. It had a mouth, which it was currently using for screaming, but I didn't see any other parts. 

In response to the tiny wails, every head in the office snapped towards it, and one by one, each worker began lining up behind the printer. 

Arnie was at the front of the line and snatched the little goblin from the paper and promptly popped it into his rapidly unhinged jaw. The printer repeated this process, Nathan and I flinching at every step, printing a screaming violet monster that then was consumed by one of the monstrous cloud people around us. 

After a few printed snacks, Arnie walked back up to us, this time his aura a pure beige, being fed by droplets of just about every color in the rainbow emanating from his human body.

"Apologies for earlier, mate. I get really hangry," he chuckled heartily and strolled off. 

Nathan and I looked at each other and snorted, covering our mouths. 

"This is the worst snickers commercial ever," he said. 

I burst out laughing, pulling the attention of the few workers still straggling around. 

"First of all, great reference. We're going to have to explore which pop culture you guys know about and which you don't," I grabbed his hand, "For now, let's get the hell out of here."

We got back in the truck, looked at each other and laughed for 5 minutes. I think it was largely drunken relief to still have our lives and souls. 

On the way back, we stopped for milkshakes and fries, and Nathan promised not to tell his uncle I almost got him killed. 

"Thanks for taking me with you, Piper. I had fun," his goofy smile was smeared in strawberry ice cream and I grinned at the image he made. 

Then he sneezed and a burst of fire spat out, landing on my jacket sleeve and catching it on fire. I refused to add one more to my scream counter for the day so I silently stamped it out on the table before turning up to look at Nathan's face and bursting out laughing. He looked more panicked than he had when he'd almost been eaten.

"That's the first time you did that, huh?" I asked, brushing embers off my sleeve.

"Puberty is...weird. for us," he said sheepishly, his gaze locked in his lap now, "I don't really know what my powers are going to be. Sorry."

I laughed. 

"Puberty is weird for all of us, man. I wish I could have traded a problem with you," I nudged him, grinning evilly, "Some of the girls I went to high school with could have used a good singe."

He giggled, seeming to straighten a bit in his chair, and I was glad I played it down. I was dying to ask about the whole royalty comment but he looked so fragile. I decided to let sleeping demons lie. 

"Now, what do you say we go beat up your uncle?"

His head bobbed up and down as he beamed, happily shoveling in his last glob of ice cream. 

[nosleepfoxtales]

Have you ever tried running holding a keyboard? It's surprisingly difficult. Hold it sideways and you add resistance, slowing you down. Hold it upright to your chest and your arms aren't swinging, making your pace sluggish and awkward.

Myself, I ended up tucking it in my armpit, and throwing one foot in front of the other just fast enough to not trip over each other, letting the cord flail behind me.

Let me back up a little bit. I work for a guy named Eli. That's an entire story on it's own but today we're discussing Keith Kline. 

I pulled up to the gates of a non-metaphorical castle. Sprawling stone towers lined the edges of the property, connected by a dense iron fence. I wasn't surprised such a wealthy client had good security, but this looked more like a battle base setup than a residence. 

I was in the middle of a conversation that was the usual level of frustrating with Eli. 

"Yes, Eli, I rang the bell. 10 minutes ago. What do you want me to do, slip through the bars?"

"Would your ass fit through?"

I expelled a breath and dropped my forehead into my hand. 

"I swear to god, Eli."

"Okay, okay. Let me text him."

"Just call me bac-"

"Keep your britches on, witches."

I let out another sigh, and right before I'm about to tell Eli I'm adding a sarcasm service fee, the gate buzzes me in and the giant silver bars sway apart to let me in. I hang up on Eli.

I hop back in my truck and breeze on in, pretending not to notice the dozen or so armed guards posted all around me. 

Eli had given me just about no information about this guy except that his keyboard was malfunctioning and that it was a priority case. 

The door was THICK. Like, wrist to elbow thick and the sound the giant brass knocker made on it was like an ancient gong. It actually made me jump a little. 

The clients name was Keith, and after a few minutes of no answer, I called it out while knocking once more. 

I heard a strangled but firm "it's open" and gingerly pushed the massive door inwards. 

"Mr. Kline?" I wiped my feet on the mat and adjusted my duffel on my shoulder, padding through pristine carpets and slick hallways. I passed golden frames with assorted photos of wildlife, ranging from brightly colored frogs to the greyish white of polar bear fur. 

"It's in here."

I followed the voice to a main chamber of sorts, a big room filled with assorted chairs and tables, with a large Grey sectional as the centerpiece. 

I started at my first glance at the man on the couch, adjusting the bag on my shoulder to cover it. 

"Ah, hey there, Mr. Kline. You can call me Piper. Having some keyboard trouble today?" 

The man on the couch looked swollen, red. He looked like a man who'd recently gained a lot of weight, his skin stretched taut, his lips shiny. Something was off, though, something about his general shape? Like, someone had drawn in his dimensions from memory and some pieces were over or under inflated.

He spoke in short, measured bursts.

"Yes. I've been fiddling with the damned thing for 4 hours and I'm just about to my limit."

"Of course, that can be frustrating! Sometimes a fresh set of eyes is all you need." I smiled at him and he seemed to deflate a bit, settling more comfortably in his seat. His lips deplumped and I could see more of his pupil underneath his swollen cheek. 

I slung my bag over my shoulder and set it delicately on the ground. The case was padded so it's not like I would hurt anything in it, but something told me to tread carefully. 

"So, what's the story on this guy?" I gestured towards the keyboard sitting on his marble coffee table. 

He seemed to swell a bit at the question and I leaned a little away from him, unsure of, well, what the hell was going on in this guy's skin. 

"Well, I bought this computer from my no-good nephew," as he spoke, his neck began swelling, "he gave me this keyboard and it hasn't worked all morning. I have very important WORK that needs to get DONE," his voice got rougher, courser with every word he spoke. 

I took one hesitant step back from him and he flinched back in a mirror motion before heaving an enourmous sigh and seeming to collect himself. 

"Look," his neck was triple the size it was when I first walked in, but every breath he took lessened the swelling a bit, "I do day trading. My last computer fried itself somehow, and I'm losing thousands every minute I'm not online. My nephew knows this, but he had some party to go to and refused to stay to set it up. I'm not a tech guy, I'm a money guy."

By the time he'd finished his rant, he was back down to what I would call a dursley amount of swelling and had folded his plump red hands, as best he could, in his lap. 

Listen, I'm not trying to fatshame here. I've got some extra pounds on myself, which did not help with the eventual keyboard running. But I think the polite amount of fat to be is one where I can still fit in the room and I was beginning to suspect that there might not be a high enough ceiling for the both of us.

I scoped out the exits, and frowned behind my back as I noted the only way in or out was the doorway I'd come through.

I offered him an empathetic smile and some platitudes while I inspected the keyboard, flipping it around in search of the offending piece. 

I am awful at small talk, but I got the feeling that I needed to lay on the emotional support a little thicker with this one. 

"Day trading sounds cool. You making the big bucks, huh?"

He smiled, "I do okay."

"How come you didn't just go out for a new one?"

He sighed. "My nephew has been down on his luck and needed the cash. I should have just given him some and gotten a new one in addition. By the time I'd resigned myself to it, I was...well, you can see my condition."

I measured my response options for that one. Someone talking about their own condition is one thing, anyone else talking about it is a minefield I wasn't ready to tread carelessly on. Plus, at his highest point, he'd resembled some kind of demonic bullfrog, so in addition to my experience dealing with Eli, I was pretty sure this was no human disease. 

"Yeah, that must be really frustrating. If my livelihood depended on me keeping calm, half this city would be craters."

He regarded me a moment.

"You're a swift one. Most don't put it together so quickly," he seemed to be calming quite a bit and deflating into what, despite all logic, seemed to look like just an average sized dude. Maybe 230, at 6 foot something? The resemblance to the frog demon he was moments ago almost vanished. 

He had green eyes and sand blonde hair, slightly crooked front teeth and a full bottom lip. His skin showed no massive drooping, despite being four times it's size just moments ago. 

"Thanks, man. Speaking of my illustrious intelligence, I think I've figured out your issue. The batteries in this thing are rusted to hell. Let me q-tip some coke on this bad boy and it should be good,"

At the mention of more delay, he seemed to swell a bit but pushed it down and nodded. 

"In the meantime, I've got a spare here, so why don't I go ahead and set you up so you can get working? I'll fix the wireless guy after I've got you going,"

He fully deflated and gave me a charming smile that amusingly bellied the monstrosity he was a minute ago. 

I popped my spare keyboard on the thing and booted her up. A loading screen for Linux came up, causing a shoot of anxiety to spear my belly. There's no fucking way this finance bro used linux. I spared a weary glance his way, and he was squinting at the screen. My breath stopped. He had no idea what this was. 

"Okay, Keith," I hadn't used his first name yet but I was putting all my charm and tricks into this sentence, so first name it was, "I am guessing this does not look familiar to you."

He shook his head, and the couch creaked. His face started swelling first, then his chest, slowly inflating more and more as I slowly rose from my squat. 

"Lewis told me it was all ready with all my software...I've been waiting HOURS. Why would he lie to me like that? Does he have any idea how much fucking money he's losing me?"

The stech of rotten eggs filled the room and I frantically searched my mental weird-ictionary. Doesn't rotten egg smell normally come from the demonic? Or is that only in the old English lore? 

I flicked a glance at the doorway, this man was expanding way too fast. He already took up half the couch, like a satisfied tick, full of blood. There were no flaps, no folds of fat, it looked as though he were being blown up at the fair into a big fat balloon. 

"Keith, listen to me. I will break the speed limit and I will go get you the best computer I can find," as I began to babble, black soot started to leak out of his nostrils, "KEITH, look at me. I'm a NERD, Keith, I know exactly what kind of computer would work best for you, I will set you up and you won't need to buy a computer for decades."

"THAT. LITTLE. FUCKER," he was lost, a stream of obscenities and curses leaking steadily out of his flat, smothered, mouth. Black streaks started making their way down his chest as his mouth began to leak the substance as well. 

I glanced longingly at the door, but the couch was at an awkward angle right next to it, and he'd clearly lost control of himself. I was nervous to run. Was he going to explode, making any attempts to run useless? Would running just piss him off more, hastening whatever the fuck was the culmination of this swelling?

I swallowed heavily, reaching for tact I wasn't sure I had. 

"Mr. KLINE," I almost screamed his name, courtesy now dumped out the window. His eyes flicked towards me, or at least I think they did. It was becoming hard to see them.

"You're making me nervous, and I fart when I'm nervous!" I was just about shouting this as well, which felt utterly ridiculous, but if there's one thing I know about anger, it's that humor is it's mortal enemy. I was just hoping I could distract him just enough to listen to reason. 

It worked. He gave me the most flabbergasted look a human bouncy ball can muster and then exploded in laughter, shrinking in seizing, jerking segments. 

I gave him a sheepish smile back, and a little shrug, before taking a deep breath and continuing.

"If there's anything you can do online, there's a browser in Linux and it works mostly the same as any other browser. I'm sure there's some of your work you can do there. Give me a few hours and I'll go get you whatever you want and set it up for you, okay? easy peezy, lemon squeezy?" 

He had halved in size, then quartered, then finally shrank down back to the human face I'd seen before. He wiped a tear from his eye, now miraculously open and wrinkle-less, though still stained from the soot. He almost looked like he'd been crying with mascara, if it weren't for the deep black stains around his mouth as well. 

I stretched my chest with a relieved sigh and cautiously turned back to the desktop. It was loaded up by this point and I froze in place. The screen had a picture of a flat blue hat with a shield on the front and the login was 'OURTOWNPD'. 

I felt his gaze sharpen behind me and the room got 20 degrees hotter, like I was a bun being shoved in the oven, suddenly surrounded by heat. I turned in a cringe, to face what I was sure had to be a man on fire. I was not prepared for what I saw.

The moment I turned around seemed to be the culminating moment of his transition, he was full on Violet Beauregaurd, swollen to be almost perfect cylilndrical. It would have been cartoonishly hilarious if I weren't SURE I were about to lose my life. Or at least a bunch of my skin.

Just then, he popped. It was a surprisingly quiet sound, and it had the visuals of the skin popping off of a grape. His skin seemed to just slide off, like a balloon on a ball of ice, and what was revealed rooted me to the ground. 

He stood easily over 7 feet. My doubt about the ceilings doubled at this point. But more importantly, he looked NOTHING like he did before. He was dark, blood red, so rich I wondered if he weren't inside out. But the skin was sinewy, rough, leathery. He stood on two legs inverted, like a satyr, ending at blackened hooves on the feet and claws on the hands. The head was all bone. I was so far outside the human realm of understanding, all I could do was gape like a guppy, looking him up and down. 

There was no skin on the face and neck, so I cannot fathom how, but a strangled voice seemed to bite out, "RUN," so I did. I didn't think about the keyboard in my arms but I didn't want to just fling it. Professionalism was still a thing, I guess. 

Sweat absolutely poured off me, both due to being a fatass who suddenly had to sprint and the house now feeling like the inside of a pizza oven. The soot was everywhere now, leaking out of the walls, up from the floorboard cracks, creating pitch black splatters. I almost slipped on it but waved my arms around like a madwoman, using the keyboard to catch wind resistance. Knew that thing would come in handy. 

I booked it out the front door, hearing that thing crashing through the hall, stomping though the floorboards. As I scrambled over the lawn, I turned and caught sight of the door, frame included, busting down in a bundle of smoke. 

I turned frontward and sprinted another ten feet before chancing a look behind me, and at this point I realized two facts. One, the many guards posted around were shooting the former Mr. Kline with what looked like tranquilizer darts, but they were cartoonishly large, filled with bubbling purple goo. The second realization was that I was never making it to the gate before he caught up with me. Each of the monsters steps were gobbling up 3 times my height, stomping out the distance between us with each stride. I might have well have been a toddler making an escape at the mall from a tired parent.

The best defense against Demons is some sigil of faith, but as crazy as this is going to sound, I'm an atheist. As many supernatural spooks that I've seen, the big guy in the sky just wasn't one of them I'd ever been moved towards. My brain flooded with every meaningful thing in my life. A picture of my family or friends? My phone? Maybe I could just drop to my knees and pray to whatever listened? 

No, I'd had my experiences with the Ole ethereal CB radio and it had not gone well. That's a tale for another time, but it is also why I never trust a mime. 

I stopped running to give myself a nanosecond to think. Can't think and chew bubblegum at the same time. 

In desperation, I pushed my hands in my pockets and pulled them inside out like a cartoon pauper. A small silver object fell against the rock littered walkway.

I swooped down and picked it up, inspiration finally striking. I popped back up and held it up toward Kline, in a last ditch effort. 

"Recovery Key!" I squealed.

I don't know if it worked, or if that purple goo had finally permeated that thick red skin, but the monster stopped somewhat sleepily, swaying. It cocked it's head like a confused puppy and took a slow, labourous step forward. I flinched backward but it grunted urgently and pitched a small patch of goo at me, which I dodged like it were acid. Before I knew what happened, it sat childishly on the ground, slamming shockwaves through the cement under us. 

I kept looking from him, to the object, and back again. I slowly, very slowly, bent to pick it up, never losing eye (bone??) contact. 

I snatched the object, booked it back to the gate and squeezed through. It turns out my ass indeed almost did not fit, but I wiggled it out. I would come back or get reimbursed for my poor, sweet truck, but there was no way I was staying another second in there. 

As I peaked through the bars, I saw Kline begin to dissolve, almost like those bad CGI videos where someone ages a ton in a short time. The dark red skin turned grey, ashed away and began to blow in the wind. The guards seemed to relax, so I guess that's what happens at the end of...that. 

When I finally caught my breath and came up from being doubled over, I scraped the object on my pants, wiping the black traces of goo and blood off of it. 

It was a credit card. 

Guess I'm going back. Hopefully he's calmed down...or regenerated? His body dissolved, half of it was already swept into the street. I don't know how his form gets back in his human body or if he's possessing humans and stealing them?

Regardless, I'm in an uber now, going to get him a computer. I know most of you are going to tell me to quit and that it's not worth it, but Eli pays too well and I have student loans. In addition, he's intimated that leaving his employ would be much more difficult than entering it. And entering it was no cake walk.

I'm hoping he'll be calmer when I get back, and that no startup issues bring back the red menace. 

Because I was lucky this time, but they were shooting him for a solid 30 seconds from several dozen directions before he even slowed down. 

What happens when they run out of goo?