#but also they cant exist without each other in a borderline codependent way. and also they know everything about each other | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shawnjacksonsbs · 6 years ago

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"I can do this all day." 4-28-19

"I shouldn’t be alive, unless it was for a reason, I know what I have to do, and I know it is right.” - Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man Same, Tony. I feel the same, exactly the same. I accidentally fell into a "fire" some 5 1/2 years ago. I realized that life was better with the warmth of that proverbial fire in my life and I have been fanning that flame ever since. How you feel love and how you feel gratitude are vitally important to this stage of the game, but not nearly as much as how you express that same love and that same gratitude. They are essential to maintaining the above-mentioned flame that has kept my place in this life and well inside of all its glory and awesomeness, and it has also been one without the dope. Living right, or doing good always, is absolutely key as well, at least it has been for me. It's the difference between just being alive, and actually living. Once you figure out what your recipe is, just keep doing those things to feed it. And I imagine, as it was for me, and many others before me, the recipe will probably change with time, like working the 12 steps in order (which, by the way, isn't a one-n-done, win all, way out of the life, because as I've said before, everyone is different. Steps work for some, not for all). But getting to the end of each step, and/or realizing the principles behind each step as you go, means your "recovery" as it were is different as you go. It's ever-changing, as you learn, you change. Essentially, you are your recovery process, regardless of how you learn, what order you learn, or from where, as long as you continue to grow with each realization of an important principle or life lesson. Acceptance, hope, honesty, courage, and integrity are just a few examples, and these few are completely necessary to learn and take in, and practice from the very beginning. I still don't believe that all people need to live "in recovery" their whole life either though. I believe I am recovered from my drug addiction. Period. If I go back to using ever again, it won't be because of an addiction, or withdrawals or any other relateable "recovery" mumbo jumbo. It will absolutely be because I made a conscious decision to use again. Very much similar to when I first started using way back when. Only this time I know things because I remember how it feels to live in that chaos and nightmare, and how it feels now being out of it so that wouldn't just be because of an unknown moral bankruptcy. It would be a well planned, and plain stupid-ass decision only owned by me, not in part with those outside influences that led me there before. I mean to say that, the responsibility wouldn't be shared, nor will it ever again should I decide to go back out there. That is all irrelevant, as I don't plan on stumbling in that direction again, so . . . Being recovered from drug addiction doesn't mean I am above being taught and growing further, with being of service to others at the peak of that. The push for kindness and the mission to help civilize will forever remain a part of that as well. The journey is more important than the destination anyway, and it would be pretty boring if we couldn't keep learning along the way. Living as best I can morally does play a huge part as well. It helps me to try and help those around me see the benefits of being civil to each other while cultivating that genuine kindness for others right in front of them. Living my best life is probably the best example I can give someone of the rewards of following that recipe for a better life. You get so much more in your heart than you'll ever know what to do with. It's kind of why I continue to write in here, although I know I have lost several readers over the last several years. What I write is more for quality purposes than for the quantity of readers on the other side of this internet connection. If it is only ever for me, and maybe a handful of people the love should be more subjective that way anyway right? I am not opposed to the quantity mind you, so long as the quality of my message doesn't start to lack the depth I try for now. Back to the point here; there are no guarantees that you'll end up at the perfect job, living in the perfect house or any other number of material things, but you will surely feel like they are once you turn that perspective around in the right direction. I wouldn't change the direction my life is going for anything. I do still live with plenty of regrets though. The top of that list is wishing I had done better by my kids when they were younger. Then maybe a couple of them wouldn't have been, or wouldn't be, so far lost and/or ended up in prison etc. I will live with that for the rest of my life. I suppose it's my penance. I will deal with it, but without it eating my lunch every minute of every day and in such a way that I can't be productive and responsible by, and for my other loved ones, that is to include myself. Happiness can still be found in that madness. I know because I live in it. Well, I'm in the parking lot at work and its about time to punch in. I can't be late today either, because I'm leaving early to go see my oldest granddaughter and my niece, hopefully, win their soccer game. Lol A huge part of why I moved back here, is for these exact reasons. So I'm out for now.~ ~I am back, although it's still not Sunday yet. I imagine I will post this on Sunday, but I am going to finish writing it today while I have free time. Its Saturday morning by the way. I am still so grateful to be working. I have also done a slight bit better at accepting the chaos that is my new job, as it comes at me. There are some good people there, and they are trying, not all, but some. And, it may not be what my professional opinion thinks it needs to be, but it is what it is. Not right, or my right (lol) vs the wrong ways to do all of it. It is, for the most part, just a different way of doing things that I am just unused to. Some of it I'll argue 'til the cows come home, and some of it is just because of the area. It doesn't much matter for me at this point, because at least I'm fencing. Who knows what the future holds? I will deal with the extremes as they come and take it all with a grain a of salt where I can. Where I can't, I won't. "Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say 'No, you move'." - Sharon Carter from Captain America Civil War I can only do all of these things, because of where I have made it to in my life. I think I wanted to write more on the how's and why's of when I first got my life together and maintaining it until now, but I think this entry turned a corner somewhere. That's ok too though. It's how this whole process works for me. I will add real quick that changing addictions, which maybe you shouldn't do, has helped me a little. The superhero movie genre is an integral part of my whole existence and it's an emotionally codependent connection that may be borderline unhealthy. lol But I definitely changed how and where I spend addiction money. There is a group of us who are going to see The Avengers Endgame movie tonight (Sunday) at 7 pm. It has a run time of 3 hours. It is the last chapter, last installment for this phase, or like the culmination finale that ends over a decade of the 22 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. To say that I am emotionally invested in the outcome of this movie is an understatement. It is one of the more important non-drug related things in my life nowadays, just under family #1, and career #2, I suppose. The superhero thing is also the one thing that I used to have/or still do have in common with all of my kids. It all holds a very special place in my heart, and for good reason. Look, we can disagree about the kind of person Donald Trump is (he is an assclown by the way), and we can disagree about religion (which is fake and god, as a being, isn't real), and we can still talk, debate, and truly act as adults the whole time, but. . . if you mock these movies, or anything about them, because of their place in my heart and with their connection to my kids, then we can fight. And not just argue. I may literally fight you. One good, wholesome, fat punch right in your mouth should satisfy the feeling for me. lol Now you may be able to whoop me, maybe, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if you talk shit on these movies. And of course, I am only teasing, but these movies are an important part of my life. Some people have hunting, fishing, crafts, cars, or some other hobby, etc. Well, this is mine. I cant hardly contain the feelings, and the anxiety I am having as I await this movie. We are going to see it at the B & B Theater in Liberty, on the GrandScreen X, which is like Imax, but better, and bigger too I think. Its like 3 stories tall, 7 stories wide and the edges fold around the corners of each wall. It's going to be so freaking awesome. I can't hardly stand it. I know that we are supposed to lose some of our heroes in this film, like they are going to die (permanently), and being as emotionally invested as I am in these movies, and their roles are going to be super hard on me. I think co-dependency is probably the best way to describe my relationships with these characters. But hey, at least I'm not on drugs, so there's that! lolol That is all for this week guys. Keep my emotional stability in your positive thoughts as I go see this finale of a movie. Keep sharing the love and the laughter with the world around you, and please, please be kind to one another. It may be the most important thing you ever have to do. Kindness should always prevail, but when in doubt, civility will work. We can learn the very best of life's lessons if we practice what these heroes preach all the time. I believe that with my whole heart. I could quote Steve Rogers right next to Fred Rogers in my entries forever and it would never get old! Reading this final quote always gives me goosebumps. Yes. It's that important. Until next week; "Then finish it, 'cause I'm with you 'till the end of the line " - Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America

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