#but also showing people my writing is terrifying im experiencing the horrors (showing people my work anxiety )

[cupiidzbow]

….. y’all……… im …..( fnaf ambiance ) …..writing.

[caninemillimeter]

got tagged by @dogboydeathgrips and the adderall had just hit

Last Song: atm i am currently listening to shit but the last song that just played was city of black fridays by mischief brew, who were the band that radicalized me and are like my all-time favs! theres no last album but ive had DROGAS Wave by lupe fiasco on loop for a couple weeks. very very lyrically and emotionally dense with good soundscapes. has quickly become one of my top 5 albums.

Favorite Color: bitches love purple

Last Book: "God Forgive These Bastards: The Forgotten Life of Henry Turner" by Rob Morton/Taxpayer. Companion piece to a jazzpunk album that, together, comprise a memoir of a fictional mad homeless man. Pretty iconic piece of punk among a certain section of people so it's fun to have a physical copy. I've been re-reading "Sea-Witch" by Never Angeline North lately, which is the most magical book in my life and what convinced me to throw myself into poetry a few years back.

Last Movie: very funny double feature of "Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" and "Eraserhead". looooove movies love watching as many as i can. i'm a huge letterboxd user, it's nice to have a way to log my opinions on shit

Last Show: either dorohedoro (my girlie jade proposed watching it but i ended up liking it more than she did) or... idr... i was watching dexter but then it got too transphobic to ignore. hoping for a better tv psychopath to come my way that i can project on soon inshallah. i need violence wish fulfillment. anyways ive been watching deadwood and twin peaks and buffy (which im enjoying more than i thought i would) lately too.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: loooove spicy food i had vegan chicken not too long ago that made me actually sweat and it was awesome. the copout answer is that i really love food and think all flavor should be enjoyed with hedonistic abandon, so i politically have to be annoying here

Relationship Status: relationship anarchy is so awesome. i fuck whoever i trust that wants to fuck me and i set my boundaries wherever and i can shut down any feeling of obligation whenever i want. i can literally be okay with anything because it ALL requires negotiation, so it's helped me learn how to prioritize myself as someone who's experienced grooming & sexual violence. there are Special People for me who get to have their emotions factor in on my actions every so often, and that's a result of clear communication and mutual accommodation! i love talking to people about things

Last Google: i will leave out me trying to find pictures of obscure pro wrestlers. my last two searches on my phone are "separation anxiety dogs" and "how do you not bleed out during surgery", which, as i'm sure you might be able to guess by now, are related searches

Current Obsessions: forever 24/7 pro wrestling and combat sports autistic. been listening to a lot of rap lately and diving into a bunch of new albums. looove poetry its the point of all life. ive been thinking a lot as of late about madness and what my nature is. im also spiraling into depravity which is fun. not enough of my friends are around for me to bother them while i have free time. i wanna scratch at all of your doors!

Looking Forward To: i got a travel scholarship from my university lately which was a looong process! very excited about getting it. i talk constantly with my friends about moving in together and finding ways to intertwine our lives further. my best friend is with family right now and that demands a lot of its attention so im lightheartedly barking until it returns. im gonna graduate next year if i dont die. ive also recently re-committed to doing pro wrestling training after college so im excited about that. im gonna write a book of poems while traveling and shop it around. gonna watch terrifier 3 for the holiday and then continue to try and find the most fucked up horror and erotica i can ^w^. i have a coffee date planned with one of my friends for next month and i'm really excited about it. i like them a lot and i love our dynamic so i'm thrilled to spend more time around each other. i am too affected by The Spectre of The Bathroom Myth to say so much before i get an invitation to so consider this just a fun little sandwich for taste. oh holy shit wait yeah i have gender surgeries and legal changes down the pipeline too. i listed a lot here but things have been catastropic so its been therapeutic to get to talk about all of these good things, even if only in tumblr-appropriate details. there's so much to look forward to...

i'm gonna be so vulnerable and tag people. @nurse-dragonmaid @crunkotheclown @fuck im already forgetting what your urls are. @nesquikflavoredchapstick @mountain-deweys @sphinxgirlbaeddel @noinou @awoooniper @sylviii @trans-seraphim @transfemcombatclub @caintooth @teagrammy theres enough brain teasers for the dog for now. feel no obligation, and if youre upset i didnt tag you i didnt tag some people i thought of bc i got anxious so just imagine youre one of them ok?? <3<3<3<3<3

[i-read-good-books]

Expomise Chapter 6!

I updated Expomise!

Summary: 

“It’s really good to see you, Victor. Love the hair.”

His friend flushes, “Y-yes, I thought so, too.”

For a moment, they just kind of stand there, in silence, not really knowing what to say. Yuuri wants to tell him to come in again, wants to ask how Chris and Georgi are doing, wants to reach out and touch him, like he always does.

Except… he doesn’t.

Link to ao3: here

Chapter under the cut:

“I am a strong, independent wizard who needs no man,” Yuuri whispers to himself, clutching his scarf close to his chest. “This is fine.”

“Yuuri?” Luke’s voice reaches him just as he’s finishing lacing up his skates, as cheerful as always. “We’re waiting for you here!”

“...Coming,” he calls back weakly, straightening himself up and turning to glance backwards. The Coaches who have hours in the mornings are on the ice, carefully guiding beginners and lecturing some more experienced skaters, all of which look half-asleep still, clinging to the barriers and groaning every few minutes of exhausting exercise.

Luke, of course, is also there; because the universe just hates Yuuri that much that it didn’t have enough making him anxious and terrified of squirrels. He’s at the short door that opens up to the ice, beaming at him, wearing his colourful pink beanie and the tightest leggings Yuuri’s ever seen (and he’s a ballet dancer). “Slide in, big boy.”

Yuuri flushes as he’s making his way towards him, wincing at the sound the blade make against the ground, even if it’s protected against them, “Please don’t call me that, Luke.”

“Aw,” the teenager pouts, in a way  so unnecessarily dramatic that it reminds Yuuri of Phichit. “But aren’t you such a big, strong boy?”

“I’m thi- almost fourteen,” he splutters, not meeting his eyes. “And I��ve got class now, you know.”

“You were so much nicer to me at the beginning,” Luke smiles, gently moving so that they’re skating together towards where the  Coaches are. Yuuri only has morning classes like these on weekends, since he mostly uses the rink alone with Celestino during the afternoons, to practice his magic, and he’s changed his rink from last year, so he’s still a bit unfamiliar with the rest of the adults there. That means nothing when it comes to Luke, though, he practically lives here.

Yuuri met Luke last year, at the open ice rink during Christmas, and Luke told him he had talent.

“He was scared of you at the beginning,” Yuuko pipes in, happily coming to a stop in front of them. She’s the reason Yuuri changed rinks this year, to one further away from his home, which he has to Floo to. It’s close to Minako’s, though, so he makes the trip count.

“He couldn’t be,” Luke gasps, “I’m so undeniably pleasant.”

He smiles at Yuuri as he says so, taking a moment to rub his shoulders in a friendly way, the same kind of ‘big brother’ affection he loves showering Yuuri in, and his blue eyes shine.

For a moment, Yuuri can’t breathe properly.

“Come on, Yuuri,” Yuuko grabs his hand, “We have to practice together! That’s why we’re rinkmates. You can try holding me up.”

“Yuuko, that’s dangerous - “

“Gotta go, bye!”

Honestly? She’s just saved him from completely humiliating himself by trying to speak to Luke normally. It’s basically impossible.

…

Yuuri is um, he’s pretty sure he kinda, um… he kinda likes Luke.

It’s not a big deal! And it’s not like Yuuri is like, totally lusting after him or falling in love with him, either. Luke is just really handsome, and nice, and smiles a lot, and holds his hand when he trips on ice, and says his skating is good, and -

Well. Luke is um. He’s a cool guy, okay? Anyone would have a small crush on him, he’s got that special charm that makes people flock to him like birds. Mari teases him about it all the time, to his absolute horror. Whenever she comes pick him up at the ice rink she makes a show out of calling out Luke’s name, asking how Yuuri’s done, and smiling blindingly the whole way through, ecstatic.

“I hate you so much,” Yuuri groans as they exit the place, burying his face in his hands. “Why can’t you let me be?”

“Oh, was I bothering you two?” Mari presses the back of her palm against her forehead, mock-ashamed. “I never meant to interrupt your romantic encounters. But you can’t blame me, the last time you had a crush was on that one girl who lives across the street.”

“He’s like, your age,” Yuuri whines, pushing her so that she moves quickly. He’s almost certain Luke can’t hear them, but it’s better to make sure. Just in case. “And I don’t like him!”

His sister hums noncommittally, “Yes, of course. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Yuuri.” She smirks, “Or whatever helps you at night, even if you don’t actually sleep.”

“Oh my god - I can’t believe - I am going to murder you -” His cheeks are flaming red. Did she just imply…?

Mari holds her hands up, “You’re almost fourteen, little bro, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

Yuuri glares at her, hoping his blush isn’t as noticeable as he thinks, “Well, you tease like a two-year-old, so it’s an easy mistake.”

“Oi!” she punches him in the arm lightly, cackling when he yelps. “No badmouthing your sister because you get hot over an older guy!”

“Please kill me,” Yuuri begs to no one in particular.

Of course, Phichit’s reaction to the “news” (Yuuri awkwardly mumbling, “I think I have a crush on a guy at my ice rink.” during one of their nightly Skype calls, feeling like his heart’s about to burst out of his chest) is much different, and almost endearingly Phichit-like.

First, he tells Yuuri that under no circumstances is he to try to date the guy, as if.

“He is much older than you, Yuuri!” he waggles his finger threateningly on his laptop’s screen. “And a guy who hasn’t already asked you out on a date after seeing you in your ice skating glory doesn’t deserve you, anyway. Besides,” he seems especially insistent in this part, “I think you already have some very, very dateable people around you. You don’t need this boy.”

“I’m not going to date him,” Yuuri whispers harshly, checking around to make sure his parents haven’t woken up. No sound from their bedroom. “I was just telling you because it’s been driving me mad. Now that I’ve actually told someone, I can forget him!”

“Oh, no,” Phichit smiles, “You ain’t forgetting Luke Matthews anytime soon, buddy, but well. He’s your type, isn’t he? Gorgeous blond hair, endless blue eyes, smooth pale skin, and that smile, dear lord.”

Yuuri’s eyes widen, “Phichit, how do you know what he looks like?”

“How do you think?” he raises an eyebrow. “I just followed him on Instagram, obviously.”

“Phichit, unfollow him right now or I swear I will cut off your wifi.”

His friend winks, “We’re not in Hogwarts, my dear Yuuri.” He laughs at Yuuri’s dismayed expression of realization, and settles back in his chair, his smile widening. Phichit’s gotten a haircut recently, a nice one that makes his eyes stand out more. “How’s the summer coming along otherwise, cute boy notwithstanding?”

Yuuri bites his lower lip in thought, running his fingers through his hair, “Um. I’m getting more and more into skating, actually. I might be able to do a proper competition jump soon, other than waddling through my Salchow. Yuri’s been hinting at wanting to try my mom’s katsudon, so I’m probably gonna invite him over sometime soon.” He thinks about it, “Might invite Victor, too, while I’m at it.”

“Oh yeah, you do that.” Phichit nods, and then he lets out a small laugh, “Don’t tell him about Luke, though.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Yuuri rolls his eyes, “I’m not that stupid, you know, I’d already figured he might be jealous.”

His friend stares at him, mouth hanging open, “You had? Um, w-when?”

“Like, the first day?” Yuuri sighs. “Victor’s really nitpicky about anyone teaching me figure skating, he gets all petty every time Yuuko helps me with anything. Do you think I’d tell him about an older guy with more experience giving me lessons?”

For some reason, Phichit looks almost like he’s about to laugh again, his eyes twinkling, but he just says, giggling, “Yes, I’m pretty sure Victor would object to an experienced guy giving you private lessons, Yuuri.”

He crosses his arms over his chest, huffing at his friend, “Honestly, you treat me like I’m so dumb. Obviously I’d realized Victor is a protective teacher.”

“Very protective teacher,” Phichit agrees, smirking suspiciously.

…

yuuri katsucky (because you SUCK)

i dont know what u wanted me to do. like. do u want to like. poison the food or smth. i dont care tbh. im going to ur house anyway bc im invincible. so fuck u who cares tbh

nikiforov says hes going too but meh.  whatever

Yuri always writes such nice things.

Knowing that both Yuri and Victor are coming means that Yuuri spends the day before their arrival cleaning every corner of the house, meticulously making sure his parents don’t leave anything...incriminating (like the one teen Witches’ Fave Hottie: Victor Nikiforov! poster he bought because he was curious) around, and peering over their shoulders as they cook and wrinkling his nose if they put their feet on the table.

“Seriously, you’d think you were the adult,” his mother mutters, ruffling his hair while he works on his summer homework. His parents make him see a tutor to keep him updated on muggle school work, in case he doesn’t want to work in the wizarding world. Mom still thinks that the fact that they don’t study biology at Hogwarts is a crime against humanity.

He’s still fretting, fixing his clothes, the moment he hears the doorbell ring.

The first thing that Yuuri thinks when he opens the door, smiling, calling out to his parents, “They’re here!”, and sees the two Slytherins waiting outside for him is that, no matter how much he sometimes feels like Celestino is working him to death, it’s nothing compared to Feltsman.

It’s less noticeable in Yuri, who’s grumbling, wearing respectable clothes for once (although his earrings are tiger claws, of course), because the boy still looks almost eerily like a fairy, lean and skinny in a way that suggests elegant rather than ‘awkward’. But it’s undeniable the second he glances at Victor.

Victor babbled about ‘starting to really train’ for Junior Worlds after he came clean to Yuuri regarding it, delighting him with schedules upon schedules of what he had to do this summer to get up to bar in order to compete internationally. He even confessed that he may not write as many letters, with all the stuff he had to do, apologizing profusely. So Yuuri was expecting him to gain a little muscle and all but, um. They haven’t seen each other in almost two months, and the change is just a little bit striking.

His hair’s longer, almost reaching down to his back now, but he’s got it on the side, tied up in a stylish ponytail. Apart from that, all the differences are the fact that Yuuri’s pretty sure Victor’s grown at least ten centimeters since he last saw him, which finally cements his position as ‘the short friend’, something he’s been able to avoid with Phichit, thankfully. He also just seems more filled out; his shoulders are a bit further apart, his face is slightly skinnier, and he stands with more confidence, balancing his weight like he’s making an entrance.

“Hey, Yuuri,” Victor says, smiling.

He reminds Yuuri, just slightly, of Luke.

“Your voice is deeper,” he blurts out automatically, even though it’s not that big of a change, after taking in the rest. He flushes, embarrassed, and doesn’t meet his eyes, “Oh, sorry, uh, come in, you two, we’re expecting you!”

Yuri rolls his eyes, “Always collected, Huffle.”

Yuuri pokes his nose as he goes by, laughing at his infuriated yelp, “It’s good to see you, Yuri.”

“Don’t steal any paintings,” Victor tells him cheerfully, which makes him glower so bad that Yuuri’s kind of impressed he doesn’t back down. He turns to look at Yuuri again, “How have you been?” Victor bites his lip and fidgets with his hands, glancing at him from between his eyelashes, “I’m really sorry I haven’t been able to write much recently, Yakov’s been running me down.”

“Um,” Yuuri swallows. Were his eyelashes really that long before? “Oh, um, it’s fine. You already told me about it, you know.” He smiles back at him,“It’s really good to see you, Victor. Love the hair.”

His friend flushes, “Y-yes, I thought so, too.”

For a moment, they just kind of stand there, in silence, not really knowing what to say. Yuuri wants to tell him to come in again, wants to ask how Chris and Georgi are doing, wants  to  reach out and touch him, like he always does.

Except… he doesn’t.

“Yuuri?” his mom’s voice, coming from the kitchen, interrupts his train of thought. He startles, turning back. “Don’t leave your friend at the door, it’s rude.”

“Sorry, mom,” he mumbles, chastised. “Oh, so, you have to take your shoes off, see…”

…

Yuri and Victor meeting his parents goes extraordinarily well. Yuuri was slightly worried that Victor would say something accidentally offensive (one can never be sure with purebloods. Phichit, in his search for knowledge, innocently asked Yuuri when they were 11 if muggles took showers, too.), or that Yuri would burn the house down or something (one can never be sure with Yuri Plisetsky), but they come out of it mostly unscathed.

“So, Victor,” his mom sets down her fork and looks at his friend, smiling. “Yuuri has been telling us about you since forever. It would be truly nice to see you figure skate.”

Victor preens, leaning back in his chair before answering, turning on the ‘pureblood charm’. It’s a term that Leo and Yuuri made up after spending so much of their time around old, rich purebloods: however ridiculously awkward they may seem around their friends, regardless of their gross quirks and hand gestures, they turn into something like wizarding debutantes in the presence of any respectable adult, channeling thousands of gala nights into perfect table manners, unbelievable skilled public speaking and just the right amount of compliments.

Yuuri thinks it’s kind of silly, but undeniably useful for some situations. Leo calls it “Phichit trying not to seem Phichit”. Yuri has another name for it: “pretentious pampering”.

“Well, Mrs. Katsuki,” Victor closes his eyes briefly, beaming at her, “I’m sure that Yuuri has exaggerated my abilities. You see, he’s a very biased friend, although I do appreciate it.”

His mom smiles, “Oh, you’re so well-spoken, what a treasure.”

Yuri, who’s said a total of 10 words during the duration of the meal and is currently shoving katsudon into his mouth as quickly as possible, snorts.

After lunch, when they’re helping clean up the kitchen, Yuuri moves next to Victor, murmuring, “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

His friend cocks his head at him, furrowing his brow in confusion, “Do what?”

“Go all ‘look at me, I’m respectable’ on my parents,” Yuuri shrugs. “They don’t care, really. Phichit never goes pureblood mode on them. And, um,” he flushes, scratching the back of his neck, “They’re going to like you anyway, with all the stuff I’ve told them about you. I’m pretty sure my parents are convinced that you and Phichit save me from hordes of bullies every minute I’m in school.”

“I would,” Victor says immediately, as if on reflex, and then freezes, “I mean, we would.” He licks his lips, glancing downwards, “I didn’t mean to um, go ‘pureblood mode’, or whatever.”

“I’m used to it,” he smiles. He steps a little bit closer, mindful that no one hears them, just enough that their feet are almost touching in the narrow kitchen. It’s a little harder to breathe. “But you can be yourself with me, okay?”

Victor’s eyes flutter shut, before he whispers, quiet, “You’re an evil, evil guy, Yuuri Katsuki.”

…

Victor has to leave early (something about the amount of hours he has to sleep while on ‘Yakov’s training regime from hell’), but Yuri’s allowed to stay a little longer. Mari pats him for a while and challenges him to a selfie match of death (the theme is ‘who can balance more things on their nose while taking a selfie at the same time’, and it ends with them breaking five ceramic bowls and Yuri’s shoe on Mari’s face), and after a while both Yuri and Yuuri go upstairs, letting the adults watch a film. Something about a stone, a three-headed dog and a giant chess game. Honestly, Warners Bros are running out of ideas.

“Katsuki,” Yuri begins, flopping down on his bed and narrowing his eyes at him. “If you even think trying to make me play a board game, I’ll murder you.”

From where he’s kneeling down next to his bookshelf, Yuuri quickly lets go of the Monopoly box, “O-of course I wouldn’t do that, haha.”

Yuri huffs, stretching out on the bed like a cat and sighing, “I should have just gone home. You’re a mess, like always.”

“Well;” Yuuri swallows, moving to sit on his desk chair. “What do you want to do, then?”

“Sleep. Wake up and find out moderate maiming is legal and encouraged. Maybe eat pizza.”

“You just had like, three katsudon bowls!”

Yuuri hisses, “I don’t need you and your judging in my life.”

He holds his hands up, admitting defeat, “Okay, okay.” Yuuri giggles, “You’re cute when you’re excited about things, you know.”

The younger boy glares at him, showing his teeth, “I am not cute.”

“Oh yeah?” Yuuri teases, dragging his chair so it’s closer to the bed. “What about when you spent three hours telling me about the cat shelter that had opened up next to your house?”

Yuri’s ears go bright red, “I was not excited, you degenerate, I was merely moderately pleased that the human race has finally accepted cats as superior beings and are providing for their needs cost-free.”

“Or when you made me rewatch Otabek Altin’s catching the snitch ten times in the match against Portugal? With added commentary? And flaschards?”

The Slytherin throws a pillow at him, “It was twenty centimeters away, Katsuki. Learn to appreciate gods on Earth.”

Yuuri just laughs.

…

Hey Victor,

Thanks so much for sending me a book like you mentioned when you came over last week. I just thought that the book we talked about was one on magical creatures (remember? I mentioned I was struggling with the utter hell that is learning that so many stuff I thought didn’t exist is actually real?) and not your copy of Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Still loved it, though.

Yuuri

…

YUURI

OH MY GOD I’M SORRY

IT’S MY SUMMER READ OKAY THE MUGGLE STUDIES TEACHER MADE US READ ONE OF THESE LITTLE SHITS IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS READING IT BECAUSE I LIKED IT OR ANYTHING OKAY

SENDING YOU THE RIGHT BOOK WITH THIS LETTER

FML

VICTOR

…

“Hey,” Luke’s voice so close to him makes him look up, startled. The older skater is standing next to him, smiling cheerfully. He adjusts his beanie before patting him on the shoulder, “So, you’re leaving, are you, big boy?”

Yuuri flushes, not meeting his eyes. It’s his last figure skating lesson before he goes to Hogwarts for the school year, and he won’t be coming back until the summer. “Yeah, boarding school.”

“Ah, boarding school,” Luke muses. He bites his lower lip, glancing around them for a few seconds. He seems nervous. “Um, before you left, I wanted to ask you something.”

Yuuri nods, itching to get on the ice and start practicing, “Sure.”

Luke blurts out, “I was kind of hoping I could get your sister’s number.”

Yuuri freezes.

Oh.

Oh.

So that’s why he was so friendly, he realizes, with an almost disturbing calmness. Luke’s waiting for an answer, cheeks red, scratching the back of his neck. He looks just as embarrassed as Yuuri feels by this conversation, although for very different reasons. Luke probably didn’t even guess that Yuuri sorta has a crush on him. He swallows, “You like my sister?”

“...yeah,” Luke mumbles, staring at his feet. “I know it’s super weird, to go around asking her little brother, but I didn’t realize you wouldn’t be coming anymore, and I hadn’t gotten up the courage to ask her, so I was just hoping - I’m sorry, this is terrible.”

Despite himself, Yuuri lets out a short giggle, “Yeah, a little.” He takes a deep breath, ignoring the slight pang in his chest. “But I’ll give you her number anyway.”

Luke beams at him, throwing an arm around his shoulders and rubbing their cheeks together in excitement, “That’s my boy!”

It still makes Yuuri feel slightly lightheaded, having him so close, touching. And yet, there’s many things Yuuri can deal with, but crushing on a guy who would like to date his sister is not one of them. He’s ordering Phichit to unfollow him on all social media and erasing him from his memory.

“Yep,” he mutters. “That’s me.”

He reconsiders. Phichit would probably get angry on Yuuri’s behalf, even if it was more of a hero-worship crush than anything else, and make a big deal out of it. He’ll tell Victor, instead, he decides. Just omit the part where he’s a skater and everything will be fine.

…

“Mom,” Victor says, in a very quiet, very controlled voice. She looks up from the book she’s reading, blinking. Her son is holding a letter, one of those that come with puppies stickers on the front and Yuuri Katsuki’s signature on the bottom. “Have you ever wanted to murder someone?”

fin

[wormvalentine444]

if u wanna know how my year went

anyway 2017 was far worse for me than 2016 2016 I had a couple jobs at least and I was thriving for the most part even though I was using alcohol to drown out my trauma from breaking up with my abuser in 2015. I had friends and I went out and it was good. in 2017 I spent the whole first half of the year drowning in an eating disorder and trying to find a job, going to many many interviews and always failing. in 2017 I had two “best friends” that I introduced to each other so we could all be friends together but they would constantly trigger the fuck out of me (one of them unintentionally but I'm pretty sure the other intentionally) so I would spend all my time locked in my house starving myself because I didn’t feel worthy enough to hang out with them until I was skinny but obvs you can’t survive on 500 calories a day (and burning it all off at the gym) forever so I starting b/ping and I did it every single day. i’m surprised I didn't die tbh. and I'd look on snapchat and see my two best friends hanging out together and living and having fun while I was wasting away. anyway I cut them off but summer is always terrible because my boyfriend is an alcoholic and I just spent the whole summer feeling this weird mix of missing out and also being angry at the fact that he’s an alcoholic. like I get this weird feeling that I want to be an alcoholic too because when I was in 2016 I was my happiest and people liked me and I experienced a lot and life was better. but my eating disorder wouldn’t let me drink and I just didn’t want to sink down that whole again I guess. and my boyfriend had this TERRIBLE roommate and his house was absolutely filthy all the time and they would drink every single day it was so fucking toxic and disgusting. beer cans and moldy dishes and fruit flies everywhere. and I hated his roommate too and I still do he’s my boyfriends best friend and he’s a shitty fucking person. he’s racist sexist and homophobic and fucking full of himself. and my boyfriend would never come over to my house so I always had to go there and his roommate would not ever leave us alone so in order to hang out with my boyfriend I HAD to hang out with this shitty fucking dude and watch them drink disgusting beer and play videogames I hated and talk in their shitty little inside jokes that were so unfunny. I felt like a third wheel and I felt disgusting in that house. LUCKILY he found a girlfriend and moved out asap and my boyfriend asked me to move in so I did (it took weeks to clean the place btw). I moved in in august then started going to university in September after not being in school for two years. and I guess this huge change in my life so quickly just took a toll on my brain. for the first few weeks I felt NOTHING I was so disassociated and depersonalized all the time. it felt like hell but it was nothing compared to what was coming. in September I had my first real panic attack. I thought my friends had drugged me with acid. it really felt like I was going to die. I felt so dizzy and disorientated and just terrified. I went to the ER and they told me nothing was wrong. after that I'd always be almost having a panic attack all the time, like one was about to come at any time. after that I had many mini ones and another big one in November where I called the ambulance because I thought I got poisoned. this is around the time I started to get agoraphobia. I tried to go to class but when I did I would get the symptoms of a panic attack and I'd have to leave class (hot flashes, dizziness, dp/dr) and by the end of it I just stopped going to school. I dropped out of my art class (mostly because I hated that we were only painting boxes and I'd just rather use the expensive supplies for my own art) and I missed one of my final exams. most likely I can get it deferred but it’s possible I can’t. for my final portfolio in English I have to write two short stories and 3 poems and I haven’t started any of them yet and they were due on MONDAY with two docked marks each day. I don’t know why I haven’t started. I feel so disassociated and out of it I just keep sleeping all day and binge eating. my philosophy final is on the 22nd and I hope I'm able to leave the house because I haven’t been able to leave the house in weeks. sometimes even leaving my room is too much. the house is a mess again and it makes me feel disgusting. I keep trying to starve but it doesn’t work I'm too stressed. I got prescribed Paxil but I'm too scared to try them. I also got prescribed klonopin and im almost out and I honestly don’t know what I'm going to do without them. I think I might die. Christmas is coming up and I don’t want to go to parties I just want to hide. everything is too much right now. that was my 2017 folks just delayed trauma from my 3 year abusive rleationship that ended in 2015!!! good things that happened in 2017: seeing bob Dylan live in July, going to the rocky horror picture show on halloween with my two best friends and my boyfriend and then afterwards seeing my favourite local band play and having one of the members tell me I had a good vibe, seeing Andy shauf live and crying the whole time and meeting him afterwards. I made two really awesome friends who are both aries and we started a band together!!! I reconnected with my best friend and she moved and now lives a 15 min walk from me!! in 2018 I'm going to try and lose weight healthily I'm going to buy ice skates and go skating on Sunday by myself and I'm going to walk to school everyday and maybe go to the gym and weight train sometimes and I'm going to eat 1000-1200 calories (I know it’s still kinda low but it’s better than what I initially planned) and I'm going to start hula hooping too and I'm going to buy roller skates in the summer. one I lose enough weight I'm going to try and build muscle so I can be strong I'm going to an ear nose and throat doctor at the end of January because I have fluid in my ears which may be causing some of my dizziness which is one of my panic attack triggers. I'm also going to a psychiatrist at the end of January and hopefully get a nice cocktail of drugs that will help me. I’’m really hoping for Wellbutrin or something that combats fatigue because that will really help me so so so much. I'm also seeing chad vangaalen for the third time in January!!! I'm going to try and do better this term and keep up on all my school work. I'm taking biology which is my favourite and I'm really excited!! I'm going to try harder than I've ever tried before to find a job. I might have to wait till February to clear my mind a bit and become more mentally well. I'm going to make a lot of art and make prints of it and sell it all in the summer!!! it’s one of my dreams to be able to make some money off my art but right now I just don’t have enough of it. I'm going to try and make it my goal to do some art everyday. I'm also going to get back into music because it’s one thing depression took from me. every time my boyfriends at work I'm going to practice music and eventually I want to make an album of my own and one of my goals of 2018 is to perform on a stage for the first time. I'm scared me and me boyfriend are going to eventually break up. My aquarius moon wants to live on my own so so so so bad but my venus cancer needs companionship. also I can’t afford any bachelor suites or anything anyways.  I love my boyfriend so much and we are best friends but his friends are so so so so so toxic. a lot of his friends I dislike but  most of them I love dearly but they are all alcoholics and some are coke addicts and I just hate being around that kind of stuff so much :( I hate the anxiety of going to a prrty and knowing theres going to be coke there because I got slightly addicted but I know I can’t do it because I have heart problems and it could easily kill me. sometimes I get too drunk and I don’t care and do it anyways and thats so fucking dangerous. my boyfriend is a social person and needs to hang out with his friends all the time but they can never hang out sober. they ALWAYS drink and thats such a toxic friendship tbh and it makes me really upset and drinking causes pretty much %100 of our fights but you can’t really change someone he told me he’d go to counselling for me but how are you supposed to quit/slow down on drinking when all of your friends drink every single day......so as much as I love him I feel that his friends and his alcoholism are eventually going to lead to our end, but I'm trying to be optimistic. I hate a lot of things and I hate a lot of people and I'm going to try and change that because I feel like I'm such a Debbie downer all of the time. people annoy me easily and I get mad easily and I'm so irritable. maybe pills will help with that. I'm going to try and make more friends that I enjoy the company of and maybe they’ll make me a better person I told myself 2017 would be the year of glowing up but I didn’t at all. moving out and going to school is an achievement but I feel like personally I have made no progress at all. I feel so stuck. I want to grow. I'm going to try my hardest to grow this year.