#but also she’s only 14 weeks old and her bones are probably not super strong

[reaperseal-archive]

i’m still trying to understand how chickadee jumping out of my hands and landing wrong on the cat food bowl on the floor could have caused such a problematic fracture…. like god must hate me. i don’t get it

[mrstaeminlee]

Mission Complete Ch. 1

You had two goals in life. One: Complete your squad training without dying. Two: Fuck Levi Ackerman

Pairings: Levi/f!reader

Warnings: Swearing, eventual smut, lmk if I need to add anything~

You really had no idea what the fuck prompted you to join the military. Maybe it was to find some redeeming grace in the eyes of your dying mother, maybe it was because you wanted a life with as much stability as one could muster, maybe it was because you just fucking hated farming.

Whatever it was, you wished to any God that would listen that you would have buried it in the ground along with the countless friends and family members you had lost to the Titans.

The first week of the cadet corps was everything you knew you would hate and more. Between the foul smelling breath of the commandant threatening to make you puke up the bread you had managed to steal, to working your body to the point of sneaking away from one on one combat to puke behind the bushes, after seven days you had almost decided that maybe digging in the dirt for the rest of your miserable life wasn't so bad.

There was only one thing stopping you from making your own walk of shame to the wagon of regret.

Levi Ackerman.

AKA the man you fantasized about every night when you managed to find enough strength to finger yourself below the covers.

He was a couple of inches shorter, true, but you were willing to break your rule of not fucking anyone shorter than you for him.

You had only see him twice in your life by complete chance, the first had been when you happened to be by the gates in time to see the Scouts returning from what was undoubtably another failed mission, and you decided that what the hell, might as well have a look at Humanity's Strongest in the flesh. Granted, it hadn't been his best day; his green cloak was splattered with what could only have been the blood of his comrades as it didn't look as if he had a single scratch on him, but he looked like a god, albeit one that had just gotten his ass kicked out of heaven. His eyes seemed to be sunken in, and even from how far away you were you found yourself shivering from the intensity of his dead gaze. You weren't sure what possessed you to lift your hand as he eyes moved through the crowd, looking for whom, you didn't know, or what possessed him to raise those eyes to you, but you found yourself lost in haunted silver as you gave a soft wave. The way he seemed to look straight through you, not even seeing you even as you stared at each other, was enough to convince you that you needed to do whatever it took to see this man again.

You enlisted the start of the next week.

The second time was completely by chance.

Everyone was desperate for military recruits, and desperate times called for desperate calls to important people to make appearances in front of people that were well, not very important.

Erwin Smith, Dot Pixis, Nile Dawk, Levi Ackerman, Hange Zoe, Rico Brzenska, and even Darius Zackly graced the entrance ceremony of the new Cadets, and you thanked whatever bone in your body made you a teacher's pet because you had a front row seat to the man that had plagued your thoughts every single day in the past week. His appearance was brief and he didn't speak, just stared at the fresh faces, some cocky, some blank, but mostly terrified new recruits, and you could have sworn that you saw a tinge of sadness hidden in the silver, as if he could already foresee the deaths of everyone in front of him. He followed after Erwin immediately after the blond gave his speech about thanking you all for making the decision to serve humanity and you fought the urge to roll your eyes. 'I'm not doing this for humanity, I'm doing this for dick,' you thought as you signed your life away to this shit camp for the next two years.

How one man who was fucking shorter than you managed to convince you to trade the next 728 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes, and 15 seconds of your life for physical and emotional hell was beyond you, and yet here you were, standing proud and slightly hungover from the pre-graduation celebrating you did with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin the night before. They hadn't initially been your first choice in friends, but Armin was nice to you from the start and once you very quickly learned that flirting with Eren in front of Mikasa was not in your best interest, you had decided that they were alright; especially when Eren's Titan form had been revealed. If anyone was going to have to get close enough to keep an eye on Eren, it would be Captain Levi.

The very man you were thinking of walked on the stage along with Nile Dawk, Dot Pixis, and Erwin Smith as the three took turns giving their pitch. You hadn't made the top 10 but were happy for your friends that were, you were content with your place as 13th. In a class of over 500, you still considered it a win, and if your parents were still alive you knew they'd be proud. As the remaining members of the top 10 who had opted to join the elitest MP's went off to talk to Nile and the other scared fucks ran off to sign themselves to the Garrison regiment, you and around a hundred other members stayed where you were and you licked your lips, forcing your heart rate to calm itself. 'Calm down, you can't work your way up to fucking the strongest man in the world if you die of heart attack before-'

"Listen up you little shits."

Oh my God he was speaking you've never heard his voice before it's so fucking-

"Most of you are going to die. Are you prepared for that?"

Ah, so Humanity's Strongest was a sweet talker.

"Erwin is making me come up here and talk, so we're all going to pretend that I'm saying some meaningful bullshit. But here's the truth: If you aren't strong, you will die, and it will be painful. Imagine the thought of seeing your childhood friend's entrails being slurped up like spaghetti by a Titan, while the entire time he's conscious enough to reach his hand out for you, and you are able to do nothing for him because you spent exactly one second hesitating, or you were a moment too late to draw your blades, or react to the threat. If that scares you, then do us all a favor and put down that half assed salute and sell your soul to the Garrison where you'll spend your days fucking the best whores for a discount if you're in uniform and getting drunk on the clock."

After his touching speech you and your now dripping panties decided that you had indeed made the right decision in selling yourself to the Scouts.

One month later

It was moments like these, where you weren't quite trashed but definitely more than tipsy, that you had never been happier to be part of the survey corps. I mean, you were in peak physical shape (you still couldn't believe you had abs. Abs!), you were hot, you were fit, and you knew Sasha Braus, who had managed to steal a few bottles of top shelf liquor from the higher ups.

You were also horny as fuck. It had been over a year since you'd gotten laid, and you were using the dildo you'd bought on your first trip back into town as often as you brushed your teeth (twice a day, you didn't fuck with cavities). You briefly thought about enlisting the help of one of your current drinking buddies but after seeing your choices you decided to leave it to old faithful hidden in your pillowcase. There was Jean, who albeit was pretty hot even with the long face but was so in love with Mikasa it made you want to vomit. Marco, who you were almost one hundred percent sure was gay; Connie, who held the sexual appeal of a pile of horse shit, although he was super nice. Reiner almost looked promising but you knew underneath those stocky muscles was a shitload of emotional baggage you didn't want, and Bertholt was head over heels for Annie of all people. That left Armin and Eren. Eren you already knew was out, while your slut senses told you he'd be a great lay, you weren't quite ready for your life to end at the hands of Mikasa. That left Armin. You tilted your head, staring at him as you sipped on your god forsaken concoction and debated fucking him or not. He wasn't outright sexy, but he'd filled in well during the two years of training and you had seen glimpses of his surprisingly impressive muscles under his white shirt. He might actually do. He'd be shy as hell and you would have to lead everything, not to mention he'd probably cum in less than a minute, but it just might-

“Did you guys know that Captain Levi is a virgin?"

You spit the mix of vodka, rum, and whatever mixer Reiner had put in all over the face of the person you had just considered fucking.

"I'm sorry, what?" You turned your attention to Christa, apologetically handing Armin a napkin and patting his cheek.

Christa blushed at the attention and scooted closer to Ymir, who threw an arm around her shoulders and gave Reiner her customary 'If you even look at her weird, I will gut you' look. "W-Well, recently I started helping out in the infirmary because they've been short handed. You all know, it's that time of year where everyone has to get looked at and they give us that sheet of paper to fill out with all of our personal information to keep track of potential diseases. I was in charge of filing the paperwork the day they brought all of the officers in, and on the paper they ask you how many sexual partners you've had and Captain Levi wrote 0. But you guys, you have to promise not to tell anyone! This is private information, if it somehow gets out that I told you this I'll get into a lot of trouble!"

Ymir chuckled, placing a sloppy kiss at the top of the blonde's head. "Don't worry about a thing sweet cheeks, if any of these miscreants here says a word I'll kill them for ya. But we don't have to worry about that at all, now do we?" She glared at each person in the room, who all looked as if Christa were a ghost, and slowly shook their heads.

Your life was changed.

Captain Levi Ackerman.

The strongest man in the world.

Rumored former thug of the Underground.

The person responsible for killing as many Titans as a hundred soldiers.

The person whose squad every scout dreamed of being on, was a virgin.

You screeched out a laugh before you could help it, the alcohol doing nothing to try and make you quiet yourself as you fell onto your back laughing, cup long forgotten as it rolled across the floor. The person who initiated your drive to join the military in the first place, the person you literally dreamed of fucking, had never gotten his dick wet.

Clearly, you had your work cut out for you.

If you managed to live through the sight of Ymir reaching over to punch you in the face to shut you up.

[strangcrdoctor]

∞Yeah I’m out for the night, fellows. Reasons below. 

Today turned real hard this evening because I finally got news about Hell’s Granny. She’s relatively fine, but at 93 she finally had her first (minor??????) stroke. She seriously waited until 6 AM this morning to call my dad (who lives literally four doors down the street for this reason) because she thought it was just a migraine and wanted to make sure he got enough sleep because he’s a banker and has been working his ass off during the pandemic restructuring federal and public loans. And while she’s amazingly cogent and in good shape, because of my maternal grandad’s super abrupt coronary in April, she’s now my last grandparent. And I love my grandad, but between Hell’s Granny and my late gran, those two women were the reason why I never went to daycare or had a babysitter as a kid. This woman taught me how to hold a fucking pencil, write in cursive, arrange silverware according to high tea standards, garden like a badass, iron collared shirts, make Yorkshire pudding, and pick and process raspberries and rhubarb all before I was 7. 

She left her small hometown in Saskatchewan before she was 10 because her mother took her and her (technical - weird rural families are weird) niece to Drumheller, Alberta because of some truly horrendous shit done to that niece. So great-gran said Fuck The Patriarchy (because my gran was also an illegitimate child which at the time was Yikes), and took these two young girls to a mining town where Hell’s Granny later - with only the education a 14 year old woman could get in rural Alberta in the ‘40s - fucking took, didn’t ask, just took a job at the local mining office. This woman never finished high school, but then was the sole business partner and dispatcher for my paternal grandad’s trucking company, and often did delivery drives on her own. And she still lives in the house my dad grew up in (after they moved to the States) and drives? (She should definitely be doing neither, but predictably she’s a stubborn old bat.) 

And at fucking 93 she’s been starting to “feel her age.” 

Like. I’m sorry but for this literal ironsides woman to be feeling frail is hitting so fucking hard. Especially considering she sent me a care package to NYC before my parents even fucking managed it, and of course she sent me a gorgeous glass tea pot and cup set for blooming tea, and half a dozen tea bulbs. She watches the news every morning at 6 AM MST to know the weather in New York to know if I’m going to have a nice day. This woman wanted to buy a Hummer or a Camaro when she was car shopping in her 70s, and went on vacations to Mexico almost every year during that decade of her life. She wanted to go skydiving for her 80th birthday, but her blood pressure was too high. And even now, she wants to last long enough to meet both of her newest incoming great-grandchildren (due in November and February), and then come to see me in NYC if and when COVID resolves.

And even today when I called her in the hospital she hits me with the, “Well, love, time for the old noggin to get an oil change I guess.” Her job is to worry about her family, not be worried about and I am just. I’m hurting for her putting on that brave face for her grandkids, and holding out for her great-grandchildren.

So for those of you that don’t know even aside from the above totally valid wibbly nonsense, I’m also flashing back very hard to about 2017. Because back in 2017 I’d graduated from my first MA and had gotten into a PhD programme at the University of Edinburgh, which naturally I was over the moon about. My late gran at that time was at the final stages of serious terminal downward slope from dementia - a fight and decline I as the youngest of my siblings had been helping my mum through both emotionally and physically in helping her move her from facility to facility for almost 10 years - and in fact was too fragile to even be moved into a hospice facility so had to stay in her facility. She was literal skin and bones, and we had to sponge swab water onto her lips and eyelids. It was truly gruesome at the end. 

I knew then when I left for Scotland I would never see her alive again, but even after making peace and saying goodbye to her, it fucking ruined me that it turned out while I had been in flight and out of service she died the morning I arrived. Not only was UE a bad fit for me - because there was no funding available and I would have ended up $200K in debt from that alone - but my mum was in absolute pieces because of lack of family support from her husband and her brother (let alone her sons, who I am still bitter toward for that). So I spent less than a week in Scotland before wrapping up the programme - I cancelled my student loans 2 hours before the deadline - and flying home barely in time for her funeral. (My return flight even got delayed by hurricane Irma evacuation efforts, so I landed less than 10 hours before the service.) So needless to say, not a happy time. I had no job, no savings, no plans. I spent three months living with my parents which for my mum’s mental health was vital because my step-dad has the empathic capacity of a pile of bricks, but for me it was the darkest time of my adult life.

This year is the first time my career has gotten to get back on track since then.

Now, where I’m at with NYC isn’t that at all. Literally. I’ve got great savings, have good funding from the school, and have had an amazing (totally unwarranted) cashflow this year in spite of the pandemic. New York is right, and I’m enjoying it and feel much more comfortable (in spite of roomie drama) than I ever did in Edinburgh. 

I have so much to do, and Hell’s Granny is far from gone. In fact she’s told me every time we’ve talked that she’s proud of me and wants me to keep going no matter what. That I’m her legacy.

But all that good shit aside, today was a huge trigger and kicked me straight back into the hugely traumatic similar situation I dealt with in 2017: in a cutting-edge graduate programme, far away, grandmother/family matriarch having end-of-life health problems = (to my mind) oh god you have to put your entire life on hold again and go fix it, and how long is it going to take to pick your career back up this time? And that’s not what’s going to happen because it can’t. There’s nothing I can do for this situation, for better or worse. 

All the same, I’ve seen where this road goes, and my dad has been incredibly blessed that it’s only starting now. Because it’s not pretty. It gets harder and more painful from here, and at her age that’s just the reality. But I don’t know if I can do this for her. I honestly don’t know if I’m strong enough to walk another parent through this downsizing-until-death stage, now of all times. I’ll be there for her the whole way as a grandchild, but I just. If I don’t keep going on my own path through this, I don’t know if I’d recover from putting my entire life down again. 

So I’m fucking terrified for this woman I love so much, deeply sad that there’s no turning back from here for her, and just... unsure how to be distant, how to be resigned, how to be self-preserving just yet. I’m working on it, working on deconstructing the trauma and working on being brave by staying true to my life. But I have to be, from a complete lack of alternatives.

Thus, there are two options for tomorrow. One: I stay home, panic, and mope. Maybe pick at things? Probably miserably lurk. Two: I jump a train into the city and go take pictures of the sights for my gran in a fab outfit and take a day for me. Buy some books or records? 

Maybe do a fucking touristy bar and have a finger of scotch for the old bird, in case she doesn’t get to.∞

[grimelords]

My April playlist is finished! Please allow me to take you on a journey from the heaven of THP Orchestra to the hell of Inter Arma over three action packed hours. Specially sequenced for maximum enjoyment, there’ll be at least one thing in here you’ll love - I guarantee it. Listen here.

Good To Me - THP Orchestra: I've said it before and I'll say it again, the number one way to find good songs is to go through the whosampled page for Duck Sauce's 2013 album Quack because every single thing they put into that album is a bonafide classic.

I'm Your Boogie Man - KC & The Sunshine Band: I saw Jungle last week and they were absolutely amazing, and the venue started playing this song as soon as the house lights went up after the show which is an extremely good way to get people to not leave your venue and boogie instead. My favourite part of this is near the end of the second verse where he gets even lazier than normal with the lyrics and just says "I want to love you.. ah.. from sundown.. sunup".

Work It Out - A-Trak: I love this new A-Trak song that sounds like a secret lost bonus track from Discovery right down to that specific wah sound on the guitar.

Starlight - The Supermen Lovers: There was all this news last year that Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust was getting remastered and rereleased for its 20th anniversary and was going to finally be on streaming services that seems to have just.. not happened. It never materialized so now I'm stuck listening to the 2nd rate but still extremely good Music Sounds Better With You knockoff, Starlight by the worst named band ever The Supermen Lovers. The songs aren't even that similar particularly but that's just my personal feelings.

Girlsrock - Siriusmo: A friend of mine is a sort of expert on the whole Ed Banger mid-late 2000s electro scene and it's extremely good because he'll just send me songs like this every now and then that are totally sick and make it feel like there was somehow thousands of hours of this kind of music produced at that time and only the tip of the iceberg made it to public consumption.

11:17 - Danger: Somehow I didn't even notice that Danger had a new album in January but I'm finally listening now and it's a proper return to form and really, really good. This song sounds like if the haunted VHS tape from the The Ring was taped over an 80s workout video.

Ultrasonic Sound - Hive: I went to a 20th anniversary screening of The Matrix at The Astor and great news: that movie still kicks ass and rocks completely and has possibly gotten better in the two decades since its release. Someone had curated a really good mix that they were playing in the foyer after the movie and this song was in it. A heady mix of drum and bass and nu-metal guitar crunch that feels like a 1999 calendar picked up by a strong wind and slapping you in the face.

Homo Deus VII - Deantoni Parks: STILL loving and finding new things to love about this Deantoni Parks album for the third month in a row. I'm repeating myself but this music is just so good and feels so completely original to me. It's a great mix of complete technical mastery and the self imposed limitations of a restricted sample palette. Forcing himself to do absolutely everything he can with the sound and fairly well exhausting it over the course of 9 minutes.

Catacomb Kids - Aesop Rock: There's a good line to trace between this and Acid King by Malibu Ken where Aesop Rock's been thinking about Ricky Kasso for like ten years now which is interesting. There's lots of just very nice sounding lines in this like "Crispy the godsender who thunk over a quarter plunk to local Mortal Kom vendor". Just good weird word combos painting a very impressionistic picture of growing up. "deplanting cadavers" "zoo-keeper facelift". Very nice.

Mask Off - Future: I've never listened to Future much which is weird because he's very good but this is a song that just comes into my head pretty often. Metro Boomin's brain is huge and the vibe he created on this is just amazing. Wringing this sort of atmosphere out of the sample without sacrificing any of the trap beat at the center of it is such an achievement.

Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus: Everything that could ever be said about Old Town Road has probably already been written by now but my favourite part is finding out that the sample is from Ghosts by Nine Inch Nails which means it's also Trent Reznor's first writing credit on a #1 song. Absolutely praying for Trent and Atticus to join Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus on stage at the Grammys to perform this.

Claudia Lewis - M83: Every so often I remember just how good Hurry Up We're Dreaming is and listen to it on repeat for a while. It's absolutely amazing. Start to finish (except for Raconte-Moi Une Historie which SUCKS) it's just fantastic. I looked up why this song is called Claudia Lewis and it turns out that has an extremely good answer "I was surfing the web & found this website with space poems – Claudia Lewis had 3-4 space poems on this site. They were pretty bad space poems but I found it super moving, there was something very innocent about it. She’s probably super young like 12 or 14 but I don’t know her or how she looks or anything about her. I just know that she writes cheesy space poems."

OK Pal - M83: Every single musical element of this song is just perfect. I love the huge broad chords, the synth bends, the massive drums, the inverted Dead Flag Blues monologue. It's just beautiful.Little Secrets - Passion Pit: Passion Pit is currently on a 10th anniversary tour for Manners and I feel age 100 which is no good. But this song is good and it contains in my opinion one of the all time greatest drum fills after the first chorus. Huge, super air-drummable, and very functional: perfect.

Blood - City Calm Down: I think "I'm the one who wants your blood" is just such a great an evocative refrain and I wish he said it one million times more in this song.

Television - City Calm Down: Absolutely love the idea of writing a song about how bloody TV is the bloody opiate of the masses that sounds like a Clash cover in 2019 and sounding so deliberately out of the zeitgeist and doing it so well and with such conviction that it’s absolutely great.

I Am The Resurrection - The Stone Roses: We went to Andrew McLelland's Finishing School and he played this as his last song in honour of Easter Sunday and described it as the greatest piece of acoustic dance music he's ever heard which is honestly not a bad description - it's an absolute jam.

Daisy - Pond: It's very cool that there's like an evil, mirror version of Tame Impala that exists in Pond. I think every band should have that.

Crying Lighting - Arctic Monkeys: Basically the reason this song is on this list is because I got stuck in a loop of saying "your pastimes, consisted of the strange and twisted and deranged and I hate that little game you had called "crying lightning" in a Werner Herzog voice to myself and I thought it was funny.

Keeping Time - Angie McMahon: Angie McMahon is so damn good at songs and I cannot believe it! She's only got like 5 and they're all incredible. She’s gonna be huge!

The House That Heaven Built - Japandroids: Sterogum had a really good writeup the other day about Post-Nothing turning 10 years old that turned into a wrap up of why Japandroids are such a good band and why Celebration Rock is a perfect album and it really crystallized a lot of my feelings about them. They're number one on my list of Bands That Make You Want To Start A Band for a good reason and this article really nails the whole young men figuring it all out feeling of Japandroids' music. I really think both Japandroids albums should be called Youth And Young Manhood but Kings Of Leon already took that name. I remember when my friend first turned me on to Post-Nothing he said he didn't want to tell anyone else except me because it was so good and it was Best Friends Music and I really believe that. It’s best friends music through and through. When I saw them a couple of years ago it was as part of a sort of impromptu road trip with my best friend and I think that was the best context I could have given it. It's absolutely one of the best shows I've been to in my life and also Osher Gunsberg was in the crowd behind me but that's not part of the story. https://www.stereogum.com/2041439/japandroids-post-nothing-turns-10/franchises/the-anniversary/

Motor Runnin - Pist Idiots: The pub rock revival just keeps getting better and better. At the minute it's basically just Bad//Dreems, West Thebarton and these guys but I'm sure there's a million other bands bubbling under that are just about to break as well. I love this song, it's just straight up old fashioned pissed off rock and roll that somehow doesn't feel old fashioned at all.

Chains - As Cities Burn: As Cities Burn have reunited and have a new album coming out and I'm extremely wary of it because they're potentially ruining their previously discussed perfect streak. This is the first single and it's.. good I guess. It's kind of just normal and sort of outdated, a little bit of a step backward into safety for a band that was always changing and moving forward. I think I have a worm living in my brain though because I keep listening to it just because I really love the drum sound. They're very nicely mixed. Some very nice sounding drums.

Whacko Jacko Steals The Elephant Man's Bones - The Fall Of Troy: I was talking with some friends about young musicians because of Billie Eilish, and so we were talking about how Alanis Morrisette won a grammy when she was 21 and Taylor Swift won a grammy when she was 20 and Lorde made Royals when she was 17 and all that but what people don't realise is Thomas Erak wrote Doppelganger when he was 20 and it was his second album. He's 34 now and his music sucks badly. That's insane. What will happen to me when I'm 34? Chilling to think about. 

A New Uniform / Patagonia - Tera Melos: I think Patagonian Rats is still my favourite Tera Melos album. Toss up between that and Untitled actually. But I love this one for how cohesive it feels. For a band whose whole ethos is chaos it's amazing how well it all comes together as a complete work tied up with a bow by the Skin Surf reprise near the end. I love this song because it's two sketches of songs tied together into one little chaotic lump and the big Primary! Secondary! finale is just so satisfying.

Talking Heads - Black Midi: Black Midi finally have actually proper recorded songs on spotify! The way Black Midi is getting talked about at the moment really feels like the days of blog buzz are back, it's crazy. If you haven't seen it yet here's the KEXP session that's rightfully getting them so much attention https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMn1UuEIVvA I've watched it so many times and it's really something. The best part is the comments are full of music dudes just naming every band ever. "this sounds like if slint, polvo and hella did crack and had a gangbang" yuck "imagine them opening for Swans and/or Daughters" yuck "they're like if Minute Men and Frank Zappa had a baby and that baby dated the child of Talking Heads and Can but then got dumped for their best friend who was adopted and raised by their single parent Voivod but they were cool and stayed friends and listened to Tortoise and Thelonious Monk and got stoned and started a band and conquered the world." yuck "Slint meets Sonic youth meets Pere Ubu meets drive like jehu meets Beefheart...these guys took all that is deranged and twisted in rock and made one big soup of it!" yuck. Anyway the point is they rock completely and here's my addition to the band names: the way he sings sounds like Sting lol.

Walking On The Moon - The Police: This song makes you dumb I think. It's like the dumbest song in the world and listening to it makes your brain mushier, which makes you dumb and stupid. It's very good.

Rubber Bullies - Tropical Fuck Storm: I saw Tropical Fuck Storm opening for Kurt Vile the other day and it was absolutely incredible. My first time seeing them properly, not counting the live soundtrack they did for No Country For Old Men which was was a whole different kind of amazing. It feels like Gaz has finally put together a band that can keep up with is ferocious energy and the result is scary - they basically tore the place apart which makes them a funny opener for Kurt Vile who was as chilled out, relaxed and fun as you'd expect. They played this song near the end of their set and somehow I hadn't really noticed it when I listened to the album but now I can't stop listening to it. It's so good. I love the increasing paranoia of the backing vocals, especially in the last verse as it builds and builds.

Taman Shud - The Drones: This might be the best Drones song. It's a list that's constantly being revised in my head but it's top 5 definitely. It's nice listening to Feeling Kinda Free now knowing what he was going to do with Tropical Fuck Storm because it's all here. Fighting against the constraints of his regular sound and regular songwriting and eventually finding the solution in forming a whole new band. I love this song for a million reasons but the escalation of the disregard is very good. “I don't care about Andrew Bolt or Ned Kelly or the southern cross or the union jack” and you're nodding and then he says ‘I don't really care if you're a pedophile’ and you're nodding but slower. I get what he means in terms of media hype and whatever but it's still a very funny line. Anyway "why'd I give a rats about your tribal tats? You came here on a boat you fucking cunt" is grade A.

Dawn Patrol - Megadeth: The best thing about Megadeth is the sort of half baked politics. Dave Mustaine is the best kind of moron, he engages with everything at a gut level but believes he's being very cerebral about it at the same time. This little intro song about a nuclear post-apocalypse is so good because it's a legitimate warning and a response to legitimate worries but it's also like.. wouldn't that be sick if we had to wear gas masks and carry assault rifles around because all the nukes exploded and everyone was dead. What if there was zombies.

Rust In Peace... Polaris - Megadeth: The story behind Holy Wars... The Punishment Due is so good. "Mustaine has said that at a show in Antrim, Northern Ireland, he discovered bootlegged Megadeth T-shirts were on sale. He was dissuaded from taking action to have them removed on the basis that they were part of fund raising activities for "The Cause", explained as something to bring equality to Catholics and Protestants in the region. Liking how "The Cause" sounded as was explained to him, Mustaine dedicated a performance of "Anarchy In The UK" to it, causing the audience to riot. The band were forced to travel in a bulletproof bus after the show" I just love him. I'd like to share a Dave Mustain quotes about this song also. "I was driving home from Lake Elsanon. I was tailgating somebody, racing down the freeway, and I saw this bumper sticker on their car and it said, you know, this tongue in cheek stuff like, ‘One nuclear bomb could ruin your whole day,’ and then I looked on the other side and it said, ‘May all your nuclear weapons rust in peace,’ and I’m going, ‘'Rust in Peace.’ Damn, that’s a good title.‘ And I’m thinking like, 'What do they mean, rust in peace?’ I could just see it now – all these warheads sitting there, stockpiled somewhere like seal beach, you know, all covered with rust and stuff with kids out there spray-painting the stuff, you know." Goes ahead and writes a kick ass song from the perspective of a nuclear warhead containing the line "rotten egg air of death wrestles your nostrils".

Planet B - King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard: King Gizz are Megadeth now and I love it! The cold war is global warming now and we desperately need new thrash metal about it to save us!

Primodial Wound - Inter Arma: If you can't tell by me including three of their songs on this playlist I'm still having an absolute time with Inter Arma. Something I really love about this band is their ability to sit in a vibe for so long and expand on it. They're not songs with narrative arcs and multiple contrasting sections, they're songs that just kind of dig deeper on themselves. This one starts deep and then by thinning out entirely at around 6 minutes in only gets darker.

Howling Lands - Inter Arma: This song made me dream of a Dark Souls game where Inter Arma does the soundtrack. It's a peabrained thought but it's one that really got me thinking. This is boss music of the highest order: a song seemingly about itself and the hellbound denizens cursed to perform it in the arena of hell.

Sulphur English - Inter Arma: It's extremely funny to listen to this song a bunch of times and be completely blown away by the total power and ethereal majesty of it and then look up the lyrics to find out that it's about Trump in that very good way of putting normal thoughts through a metal lyrics filter "The charlatan sets his eyes towards the throne / tongue adrip in revolting ecstasy" "Sever the corrupt tongue of the imperious fool / silence the gangrenous root of his abhorrent voice"

Peepin' Tom - Courtney Barnett: When I saw Kurt Vile he brought out Courtney Barnett to play Over Everything as an encore and it was so good to see just how much a hometown crowd loves her. Everyone lost their shit! We love our good friend Courtney! I think I've written about this before but Peeping Tom is one of my favourite Kurt Vile songs and I think Courtney's version is even better. Her voice is perfect for it and she really has to show off her range to do it which I love. The super deep 'peeping' to the high cascading 'tom' is a perfect musical moment to me.​

listen here

[a-spicy-pork-bun]

Tagged by the amazing @blissuniverse thank you for thinking of me!

ST RULE: Tag  people you want to get to know better. @sensitiveluigi, @amibadwolf, @ladyliliah, @littlegreenstrawberry 

2ND RULE: Bold the statements that are true!

APPEARANCE: I’m a 27 year old white girl who has Brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m chubby and pretty short, I’m only 5′3, which doesn’t bother me until I need something on the top shelf... I have glasses and contacts, but mostly I wear my glasses unless I’m going out. I usually just wear graphic T-shirts unless I feel like dressing up. 

PERSONALITY:   I’ve been told that I’m a really nice person. I’m pretty relaxed and laid back a lot of the time. I really love to make people happy and put a smile on their face especially if they’re having a bad day. I like to buy people presents, which is a bad habit of mine, but whenever I see something I know someone would like I usually buy it for them. I’m pretty quiet around groups of people, especially if I don’t know them very well. But once I get to know you I let my personality shine through. At home though, I’m extremely loud and am a lot more comfortable so I’m not afraid to be myself. I’m a patient person and a good listener, so anytime you need someone to vent to or listen to your problems, I’m all ears!

ABILITY:  Oh wow, well... hmm...  I’m honestly not very good at much and I’m pretty boring I think, but I can fold my tongue, roll my R’s and touch my toes.  I’m actually pretty flexible and am fairly strong (I’m sick of people thinking I can’t lift heavy objects because I’m a woman...)

HOBBIES:  I love listening to music, I’m extremely into BTS right now (They are my seven gorgeous babies). I used to only listen to heavy metal, but I like all kinds of music now. I flippin’ love anime, for 15 years Yu Yu Hakusho was my absolute favorite show, but now it’s My Hero Academia. I love to collect stuff, my room is full of figures and plushes, not to mention my walls are covered in posters and canvases. I love to write, it’s a great way to free my imagination and express myself. I play video games(not as much as I used to), watch A lot of YouTube and binge watch shows. 

EXPERIENCES:  I’ve had one boyfriend and have only kissed two guys in my life. I’ve honestly had terrible experiences with both of them and wish I never met either of them. I was engaged for 2-3 years (honestly don’t remember how long for and don’t care to), but was never married. I graduated high school, but never went to college. I’ve had 2 jobs, both retail and it really is a soulless, thankless job that has caused me to hate people with such a passion.

MY LIFE: Well, It’s a pretty boring one, not gonna lie. I’ve lived in the same house all my life. My parents are still married. I’m the third born child out of 4. I have an older sister and brother and a younger brother. I have 5 nieces and 4 nephews. I took care of kids a lot of my life, I watch my older brother’s child 4 days a week, but I love her to death and she is the sweetest thing. 

I had a boyfriend at 14 and it lasted for 11 years, which was probably the biggest mistake of my life (Drop dead asshole!). I honestly don’t think I ever want a relationship again. I don’t want to get married and definitely do not want kids. 

We have 3 dogs and 3 cats, but my dog is a 5 year old, long haired dachshund named Toby and he is my son (Fight me if you think people shouldn’t call animals their children). 

RANDOM: I absolutely love animals and think they deserve a lot more rights and respect from shitty humans. I’ve never broken a bone or have been stung by a bee (Yet). I really want to travel the world, but the place I want to go most is Japan, I love their culture. I’ve only have been to one concert in my life and I went just so my oldest niece could go to see EXO (But they were amazing). I love to sleep, it’s one of my favorite things ever. I also love thunderstorms (One is happening right now and I am so happy!). My favorite character ever is Katsuki Bakugou from MHA, it used to be Hiei from YYH. My favorite super hero is Spider-man. 

I like to make hot tea, it really puts me at ease. I really like to go to the movies and if I really liked the movie I will go multiple times. I honestly only talk to a few people and have a small circle of friends that I can trust, I hate large groups of people and hate crowds even more. I like to play board games with my nieces and nephews and it’s always funny how into it we all get, but I just love spending time with them in general.

[speedreiding]

Small Bump (Spencer Reid x Reader)

A/N: Hey guys! So as you may know, I suck at writing imagines based off of songs but I tried once again and I think I like it??? I’m not sure?? The lyrics aren’t included so sorry about that. Also THE 13X01 EP OML IT WAS SO GOOD. BBY SPENCER IS SO SHOOKETH LIKE HE NEEDS CARE AND NAPS AND TEAS AND REST I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM NOW

Warnings: fluff, baby being born

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Prompt: imagine based off of Small Bump by Ed Sheeran

Requested by: @anon

Upcoming imagine: smut where the reader and Spencer are just friends…

The day Spencer found out you were pregnant, he was a changed man.

He cried happy tears when he found out, so happy that he would be raising a child with you.

The next morning you woke up with his hands on your stomach and whispering softly.

“I know your only a millimeter long, if even that, but I know you’re in there. I’m going to take very good care of mommy so you both can be healthy when your born.”

You smiled softly and turned around to face him.

“Good morning.” He said sweetly before pecking your lips. “I was just having a small conversation with our millimeter-long baby.” He said softly, more to your stomach than to you.

Throughout the day as you ate, Spencer made sure to give you a large glass of milk and foods strong in nutrients.

“Why are you giving me so much milk?” You asked taking a sip from the glass.

“Because milk is very high in calcium and if you don’t consume enough calcium rich foods, you will lose calcium from your bones to meet the baby’s needs for calcium.” He said before taking a bite of his food. “And starting next week, I want us to start eating a little better. It’s good for pregnant women, like you, to eat healthy during early stages of pregnancy.”

You took a bite of pizza before answering. “Okay… but does that mean no more pizza?” You asked with your mouth full.

“I’m afraid so, but I will be doing it with you, so you won’t be alone.” He said reaching between you and holding your hand.

-

About 3 months into your pregnancy, you were starting to get a little bump, and this diet is the exact opposite of what you need.

“Spencer it’s one ice cream cone pleeaasee.” You whined pulling his hand towards the ice cream shop in the mall.

This trip was essentially supposed to be shopping for clothes because all of your shirts were getting too small with this bump protruding from your stomach.

“Y/N healthy eating remember? Ice cream is full of sugar. It’s not good for you or the baby.” He said pulling the other way, but being the lanky man he is, you managed to pull him over to the ice cream shop.

“Ice cream has milk and milk has calcium remember?” You said looking at the menu of ice cream flavors.

“But in the process of making ice cream the amount of calcium gets cut in half…”

“I’ll take chocolate in a cone please.” You said taking a few dollars out of Spencer’s wallet and exchanging it for the delicious treat.

You tugged Spencer with you as you went shopping around.

-

6 months into your pregnancy, you started to crave everything that wasn’t lintels and vegetables that Spencer was feeding you.

Spencer was the only one actually enjoying this whole ‘eating healthy’ thing.

“The only pro coming out of this dumb diet is that you’re actually learning how to cook.” You said eating a green bean.

“Yeah the fact that our baby will be super healthy isn’t a possible outcome out of this at all.” He said sarcastically with a smile, making you pout at him. “Do you know how proud I am of you?” He said kneeling down in front of you and taking both of your hands in his. “I might be overdoing the whole eating healthy thing. I think my pregnant wife deserves a treat of some sort.” He said with a smile.

“Yeeeessss.” You growled as you threw your head back.

Spencer walked to the freezer and pulled out a tub of ice cream and two spoons.

“Hold this.” He said as he picked you up and out of your chair before carrying you to the couch where you two sat and ate half of the tub of ice cream.

-

February 14th was the day you went into labor.

Spencer rushed you to the hospital just in time.

As you were rushed to the ER in a wheelchair, Spencer held your hand with his brows furrowed.

You were yelling in pain as tears rolled down your cheeks.

Spencer hated seeing you in pain, and it broke his heart to see you like this, even though he was aware of the miracle that this would be the result of.

By the time you have laid down on the hospital bed, there wasn’t any time for a cesarean section, so you had to do it the old-fashioned way.

“You’re going to be okay sweetheart. Breathe with me okay?” Spencer said as he ran his fingers through your hair soothingly.

You focused on his gentle touch as the doctors prepared you for delivery.

“Y/N I’m going to need you to push as hard as you can for me okay?” The doctor said calmly.

You pushed and yelled out in pain as you tried to focus on Spencer, but the pain was unbearable.

“Y/N hey, look at me. What if the baby is a girl? What should we name her, do you remember?” He asked as you opened your eyes to look at him.

“J-Jenna.” You said before pushing again as you squeezed his hand.

“Do you remember why?” He asked, trying to take your mind down a different path.

“To name her after JJ.” You said taking a deep breath.

“Your halfway there keep pushing Y/N.” The doctor said.

“And what if it’s a boy? Tell me Y/N.” Spencer said before kissing your forehead.

“Jake… to name after where we met.” You said as you pushed hard, feeling the weight of the baby gone.

You breathed heavily as the doctor called for Spencer to cut the umbilical cord.

Your vision was blurred, but there was a small smile on your face when you heard a little cry.

Once the doctor wrapped the baby in a little blanket, Spencer brought it to you.

You caught a glimpse of the colored blanket and realized that she was a girl.

Tears fell down Spencer’s cheeks as he handed her to you.

“It’s a girl.” You said holding the small baby in your arms.

“It’s baby Jenna.” He said kissing your forehead as you kissed the baby’s forehead.

She opened her eyes and you saw the Y/E/C eyes looking up at you, making Spencer gasp.

“She has your eyes.” He said stroking her little cheek with his long finger.

“I think she has your hair.” You said taking the little cap off and looking at the delicate, messy brown hair, making Spencer smile.

“Did you know babies shed their lanugo in four months and then grow new hair?” He said stroking the soft hair.

“Are you telling me babies shed?” You said with a small laugh.

“They do! This will be gone in four months but she will grow new hair.” He said. “She probably has so much of it because of all the B vitamins you got.” He said with a geeky smile.

-

Two days later, you and Spencer brought Jenna home, and Spencer could not separate from her.

He would always offer to take care of her if you wanted to make food, or take a shower, you wouldn’t need to ask.

He was so delicate with her and he never stopped smiling at her.

She made little sounds that made Spencer giggle to himself or tickle her slightly.

But one time he went to tickle her, she reached both of her hands out at his finger, making him stop as she giggled and reached for his hand.

He slowly gave his finger to her and she grabbed it with both of her hands.

She giggled as she held onto it, making Spencer’s heart explode.

“Even when you were just a small little egg and I knew that I loved you.” He whispered as he swayed her back in forth. “Even when you were just a small little bump.”

[mrsronan]

The Thief Doesn’t Win

The craziest thing happened as I was preparing to speak at Refuge LA a couple weeks ago. The Monday before I was scheduled to speak, I was going over my outline on my laptop at a cafe near my house. I was sitting in the window of the cafe working on a testimony that I hoped would bring life, joy, hope, and Jesus to a large group of people. And, predictably, just like the devil does when we’re about to do something good for Jesus’ family, he tried to discourage me. 

Some kid ran right past the window where I was sitting, and while I was actively typing, swiped my computer right out from my hands and ran off! I felt violated, but not angry or worried. I called the police and my husband then waited a couple hours for the police to come. While waiting I posted about it on Facebook and asked people to pray for a quick return. 

A mentor of mine responded, “They can steal your computer but they can’t steal your message.” So, the devil did what he does and tried to steal and destroy—tried to discourage. But, God did what He does and restored things!

That night we visited a neighbor in our apartment building who had seen what happened on Facebook. They said, “Chastidy, we have this old computer we don't use anymore and we were waiting for God to show us what to do with it. Would you like it?” It was the very same computer that got stolen from me, only a little newer and better! Additionally, all my work was saved in the cloud, so rather than losing something, I pretty much got an upgrade! (Thanks neighbors and Jesus.)

So— that’s what happens. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But Jesus came that we can have abundant life! He shows up in our trials to bring restoration. We just have to wait a bit. Sometimes it’s as quickly as four hours.  Sometimes it’s longer, but we just have to wait patiently for Him. He will bring restoration. Maybe your computer didn't get stolen and replaced within a four hour time frame, but you can probably think of times in your life that just when you were about to do something good, you felt attacked. In this blog, as I’m sharing some of the ways I’ve experienced attacks from the enemy but have seen God make things new and beautiful, I hope you’ll see how our stories overlap. Cancer has been one of the most obvious ways the enemy has come to steal from me. But just like that thief of my computer didn’t ultimately cause me any real loss, I’m believing that I’ll have just as many gains as losses from going through this cancer battle. 

I recently read Option B by Sheryl Sandberg which talks about growing through traumatic experiences. One of my favorite lines in the book talks about the gains and losses of trauma. “As Allen Rucker wrote about his paralysis, 'I won’t make your skin crawl by saying it’s a ‘blessing in disguise.’ It’s not a blessing and there is no disguise. But there are things to be gained and things to be lost, and on certain days, I’m not sure that the gains are not as great as, or even greater than, the inevitable losses.’” I can’t recommend reading Option B strongly enough. I wish it were required reading for adulthood. But, especially if you have been through a trauma or have loved ones going through trauma, please, please read this book. You and your friends will be glad you did.

Health Update:

Last Tuesday I had routine CT scans. The results showed that all of the tumors (except the tumor in my hip bone) have been shrinking since starting the double chemo regimen of Ful-Fox-Iri. I’m so thankful.

Scans show there are currently tumors in my colon (the origin of the cancer), hip bone, liver and lungs. I have been having stronger side effects now that I receive a double chemo infusion every other week. Those include:

The feeling of my hands being stuck with 100 needles when I touch cold things or reach in the refrigerator.

It also feels like there are needles in my throat if I eat or drink cold things. 

My hands and wrists have been locking up when I do small tasks with my hands like put my daughter’s shoes on or write with a pen.

There’s a mild numbness in my feet but I can still easily walk 2 miles to take my daughter to and from the park.

I have mild nausea and fatigue on my infusion days.

After 14 months of chemo, I’ve experienced significant hair loss and am planning to cut my hair soon. This is emotionally the hardest side effect for me to handle. But I’d rather have short hair than cancer, so I’ll press through and smile and try to pretend I like the way I look with short hair. Thankfully, my supportive husband says I’ll look hot even if I shave my head. And, my holistic doctor (who is also my childhood friend) says God gave me a beautiful face and my hair cut can’t detract from that. It’s a needed encouragement for me to hear those words from the people I’m close to.

Yet, most of the time I’m physically strong. If you saw me on the street and didn’t know, you’d have no idea I’ve been diagnosed with stage four incurable cancer. And 95% of the time, my emotions match. A couple weeks ago my oncologist called me a chemo wizard. Last week, she said I’m super-human; and she wondered out-loud if I handle everything so well because of my mindset or my body. I told her it’s a super-natural gift. She asked if I could bottle it and sell it to her other patients.

I have a great doctor, (hopefully, you never need a GI oncologist, but if you do, ask me for a recommendation). Half of our appointment time seems like visiting with a friend. My husband and I got to share really openly with her at my most recent appointment that we’re able to get through this challenge with a peaceful and hopeful mindset because over and over we’ve seen God restore broken aspects of our lives. He has sustained us through many trials in the past and we see no reason He won’t sustain us through this. At the same time, Matthew told her our true home is the eternal one; so no matter what happens, we know that to live is Christ but to die is gain.

We also talked about movie script ideas (I can’t share them here because they are such good ideas I don’t want you to copy them). She doesn’t know who she want’s to play her in my autobiography movie. I’m hoping Reese Witherspoon will play me. I don’t know who should play the computer thief. 

What about you?

How have you been sustained through trials?


Have you seen times that someone tried to steal your joy, hope, peace, or computer but you ultimately had more gains than losses?  

And, if somebody made a movie about you, who would you choose to play you? 

Drop me a line. I really would love to hear what you’ve experienced. I’m sure our experiences overlap.

Songs encouraging me right now:

Still Here by Travis Greene

-- I love this line, “If the devil could kill me he would have done it by now.”

My daughter is allowed very limited screen time. One thing I permit is Psalty the Singing Song Book (which I loved as a child). Recently I was encouraged and brought to thankful tears when watching

this awesome 80’s video/play with her

. If you don’t already know and love Psalty, please don’t watch the whole video; just skip forward to minute 20.58. 

11.06.17

[anon-luv]

One of the Boys [Chpt 1] JiminXReader(Editing)

Pairing: JiminxReader 

Rating: M (strong scenes and themes)

Genre: Romance/Drama/Comedy/Angst

Word Count: 4,100+

Pt: 1/?

Summary: Jimin and you have had many ups and downs in your friendship. As a self proclaimed Lesbian(well at least feeling wise you had decided females were the way to go) you were the only girl who could withstand being in the same room as him without jumping  his bones(well at least now you were good at controlling yourself). You and Jimin had a history, one that included breaking your heart in 3 separate occasions, and him being your first time which concluded on you walking out the next morning. You were both now super close. You guys were best friends, partners in crime, roommates, and even owned a small dancing studio together(which had left you both broke as hell). Your relationship is not confusing, and lines are clear for the both of you. Or are they??

Quick Note: Hey Guys. This is something I have been working on. I wrote this originally in 1st person and decided to change it. I am still new in this style of writing, so I would appreciate any sort of input. Let me know if you like it. I need to go back and edit. I am considering finding an editor to help me out with my stories(if you are interested let me know). This story was a request I got for a one-shot, but decided to make into a series because my bisexual self felt like it would be a prompt I would really enjoy to write about. I am still not quite sure if I should make this a JiminxReader only story or maybe add another member to the mix. I feel like this will be alot of fun. Hope you enjoy. ( I wrote most of it on mobile, will correct mistakes ASAP)

CURRENTLY EDITING!! 

You are born and then you die, but in between you can do anything you want.  It’s society that creates rules for us, but you can break out of that.

You can’t quite recall the exact moment in life when you decided men were not worth your time. You think it began way back on your 4th birthday party. when your mother found out your sperm donor(biological father, person who ejaculated into my mother’s vagina whose sperm successfully implanted in the egg, etc.) was cheating on her with the babysitter. That is quite cliché in his part. It’s a typical porno theme. Sex with the babysitter. Anyway, you think that was the first situation of many that landed you right where you are now.

At 6 years old, you fell in love for the first time, and you can honestly say it was magical. He was gorgeous in every sense of the word, including the most beautiful crooked tooth smile and chubbiest fluffiest cheeks. You proposed as soon as your noodle like legs landed right infront of him. That same day you met, you got married in your kinder’s backyard, you exchanged plastic rings and everything. A week later he admitted he only married you because he wanted your cookies, and that now that he had grown tired of the same brand and flavor of cookie, he had to move on and get a divorce. You were heartbroken. In fact, you were so absolutely outraged that you broke his nose with your lunchbox. That had also been your first time in the principal’s office.

A few years passed without many events pertaining to your love life, until the age of 14, when you finally had your first date. Once again, you had fallen into the trap of the same crooked smile. He assured you in a joking manner again and again that he no longer cared about cookies. According to him he was now a “grown ass man”. You started dating and it was at about a month in, that you received your first kiss. It was awkward to say the least. It was in a party, with about 20 teenagers, looking at you both intensely in a truth or dare game. You found out the next day, that your so-called boyfriend, had enjoyed the kiss so much, that he had gone around and kissed 5 other girls that had attended the party. Needless to say, you broke it off. You were heartbroken once again, but thankfully you hadyour best friend Mina who came in a heartbeat and cheered you up, bringing along about 4 tubs of ice cream and every flavor available of chips from corner store.

This leads you to your first love at the age of 16. Mina and you had become friends since your kinder wedding. She had done your flower arrangement. You both had become inseparable, and you never noticed anything wrong about it, until her 16th birthday. She had a sleepover and had invited 3 other girls from your class. Everyone had fallen asleep when she asked you to go with her to the backyard. She had sneaked in a few beers from her brother stash, but she was only able to grab enough for you and her. You both scurried out of the room, and as you sat staring at the stars she confessed her feelings towards you. You were shocked, and did not respond right away. The beer now warm in your hand remained forgotten as you tried to wrap your brain about the idea of you and her as something more. The only thing that had come into mind at the moment of her confession was to maybe try a kiss to test the waters. You had never had thought about maybe having a go for your team. Boys had been the only thing that you had considered as a partner, but it never hurt to try. You leaned forward planting lightly your lips on hers. Her hand automatically caressed your face sending slight tingles up your spine. It didn’t feel wrong. It felt different, and even though you were not sure about it, you decided change was not always a bad thing.

Your relationship with Mina lasted about a year, and even though you kept it private for the most part, you both decided to brake it off when you refused to tell your mother about the love you both shared. Mina said that you did not take her seriously enough, and after your break up she ran away from home, without leaving a sign of where she was heading. You were heartbroken yet again, but you knew you were at fault. To make it worse, your mom found out about a week after you both had broken up. To your surprise, she was not mad at all, and encouraged you to love whoever your heart had decided on without restraints. It was too late though, and Mina was nowhere to be found.

At the age of 18, the same crooked smile who had broken your heart twice before, made a comeback in your life. You had already had enough of him and his empty promises. On the first college party you attended, the alcohol drowned every sort of rational thought in your brain and you ended up screwing him all night. He did not leave the morning after as you had predicted, but you quickly turned down any offer that came out of his mouth by stating that you were almost completely positive you were a full-blown lesbian. He quickly debated  that you couldn’t be a lesbian if you enjoyed dick as much as you had last night. He left without arguing any further, and left you confused about your sexual orientation.

After that encounter, you had decided that physically you were attracted to men, but mentally and emotionally females were the way to go. They were in touch with their feelings in a way males in your life had never been. Your heart had given up on the customary male and female relationship. You wanted to fall in love and not be playing a guessing game your whole life. You knew females could be bitches as well. You know you had been previously, but females were way easier to handle than men.

You were now a 24-year-old, caught in an endless routine between owning a dancing studio with your now best friend and taking a few classes in the local college. You have not been able to maintain a stable relationship in what seemed like forever. It’s not like you haven’t tried and gone on a few dates, but currently you were not focusing on looking for “the one”. You would welcome love if it came your way, but you were NOT on the hunt.

The blond head that lay beside you in the morning was a clear indication that you had drank way too many beers last night. You slowly slipped out of bed trying not to wake up the petite girl that was laying beside you. You slipped on a shirt and some basketball shorts, you were pretty sure belonged to your friend Tae. You tippy toed your way out of the room, and once you had successfully escaped you exhaled breath you had been retaining for too long.

“Hey (Y/N) where did you go last night??I lost ya at the party” Jimin said throwing one of his crooked tooth smiles your way. You shushed him quickly. You had no clue how you ended up becoming best friends with the first person who broke your heart, and not only shared an apartment with him but even owned a dance studio together. Here you were though, believe it or not, 19 years later, best friends and partners in crime.

You ushered him into the kitchen, that was a bit more separated from your room, than the living area you both were currently standing on. He gave you a wide knowing smile that made his eyes practically disappear into two little crescent moons.

“I have a little problem in my room….a blond, long legged, sexy ass woman that I would really want out as soon as possible. I have class in an hour, and I am covering Hoseok’s class today” you said urgently.

Jimin winked your way “At your service mah Ladeh”

You heard the front door open surprising both of you “Morning Sunshines!!” scram an overly cheerful Taehyung as he crossed the threshold of your apartment followed by a quite obviously hungover Namjoon.

“Can you guys just like…..shut the fuck up!” you said louder than you probably should have.

You covered your mouth instantly as you realized your mistake. Taehyung rose his eyebrows in your direction confused at your unusual bitchy attitude. Okay….you were always a bitch, but he had always been the exception to your random fits of rage. Namjoon grumbled some incoherent words as he threw himself against the couch covering his face with both hands.

Your bedroom door opening caught all of you off guard, and you quickly jumped into your routine morning after position. You made your way towards Jimin as he dropped what he had been currently doing and wrapped his arms around you.

The blondie walked towards you wearing a button up shirt, that you were pretty sure also belonged to Tae and some underwear. She was surprised to see the crowd that had gathered in the apartment as she took in the boys staring at her with a wide welcoming smile. You could tell she had done her hair and retouched her makeup before she came out. She was beautiful in every sense of the word, but you were not in the mood for chatting and your schedule was pretty packed today. You were sure she was lovely and in any other occasion you would’ve given her the benefit of the doubt, but today you had no time.

It was time to perform the show that you and Jimin had executed for both his and your one night stands way too many times to count. Your ‘official’ go to escape plan was pretty fucked up to say the least, but it worked and that is all you honestly cared about.

As the girl finally arrived before you, she noted how you were currently encircled by Jimin’s strong arms as you gave her a soft innocent smile.

“Morning Darling, It was such an awesome girl’s night out. Did you have fun??” you asked her as your hand interlaced with Jimin’s.

She looked a bit skeptical as her eyes roamed through the scene Jimin and you were currently playing(aka honeymoonish love phase[yes, googly eyes and everything]).

“Umm…yes….umm” she looked a bit flustered and you could notice a bit of blush spreading throughout her cheeks “You were very good company”

You could hear Taehyung’s soft chuckles, as a pillow came flying from where Namjoon laid in the sofa, shushing him automatically.

Jimin coughed awkwardly behind you, as he let go of your waist with one of his hands and gripped you tighter with the other one “My name is Jimin. It is nice to meet you…?”

“Natalie. My name is Natalie” She squeaked still looking confused.

“Natalie. Nice to meet you Natalie. A friend of my Fiancé’s is a friend of mine” he said giving you a quick peck in the lips as part of your usual routine. You smiled at him as if you were completely and utterly dazzled by him.

Natalie coughed probably chocking on her own saliva from the surprise. Her eyes opened in panic mode as she absorbed the information that had been unexpectingly thrown at her.

“I…better ..be on my way…work and stuff” she stuttered as she ran to your bedroom, and came out not even five seconds later wearing some jeans with a shirt in hand. Natalie rushed out of the apartment without a single goodbye.

As soon as the door slammed behind her you heard Namjoon slur “You are a bitch. One bad ass fucking Bitch”

Taehyung’s face looked absolutely heartbroken. You were about to excuse your actions, but before you could even open your mouth, he gave you the saddest expression in the world completely making you feel like shit.

“That was my shirt…” he said quietly.

Jimin laughed loudly, leaving one of my ear drums probably busted since he still had you wrapped in a close embrace.

“Holy Shit Tae. For a second there I thought you were going to give me one of your lectures” you said throwing a muffin at him.

Tae caught it and took a bite of it. “I have already gotten used to yours and Jimin’s asshole tendencies. I have given up on your souls. I’m no longer worried about consequences as long as you don’t drag me to hell with you. I am good” he said with a mouthful of muffin.

Namjoon sat up from the couch as the smell of the baked muffins alerted him that breakfast was ready. Jimin started giving you butterfly kisses on your neck making you giggle. You pushed him away playfully “Stay off me you horndog” you said still giggling “I gets the tickles”.

Namjoon shook his head as he walked towards the both of you “You guys are totally made for eachother, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you ended up married someday”

“We have attempted a relationship like a million and one times, but she prefers pussy. What can a man do??” Jimin said as he took out the milk from the fridge. He served you a glass before putting it on the table for the rest to serve themselves.

“You mean what men are not capable of doing?? Cause that is an endless list that we will never be able to get through” you said sitting on a chair criss cross apple sauce. You gulped down some milk “Not to mention Jimin over here managed to break my heart in 3 separate occasions”

“Hey, last time it was all your fault” Jimin replied defending himself.

Namjoon chuckled “You guys have one fucked up relationship”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way” Jimin replied pinching your cheek.

You threw a kiss Jimin’s way, and he pretended to catch it as he winked your way.

You rolled your eyes, “Point of the matter is, as much as I like Dick, because I won’t deny that I really do like Dick, my heart cannot handle what the dick is attached to”

“So, you are straight??” Namjoon asked confused.

“More like physically I swing both ways, but females will be the only ones that will score a homerun in the feelings department” you stated ��Boys are assholes as boyfriends. I love ya’ll, and as you can see I prefer males as friends than females, but honestly…..you guys are douchebags”

Tae threw one of his rectangular smiles your way “I am guessing you are an asshole too then, because sorry to break it to you love, You are Just like a Boy....maybe worse”

Jimin threw a grin your way “Yeah (Y/N)…..you certainly are just like a boy. I raised you right”

You flipped them off playfully “Well fuck you guys too”

The class had gone a lot longer than you had expected. The small studio had always been a place you craved to run to, but at this moment you needed to run out.

Your phone rang as you turned off the last set of lights. Jimin had skipped out on teaching his own class as well because of college finals. His name was flashing on your screen blinding you temporarily.

“ChimChim!!” you scram answering the phone.

“Sweetie, are you coming home already?? Your favorite person in the world decided to stop by to pay us a visit” he said in what you could already tell was irritability masked with fake happiness.

“Your mother?? Seriously Jimin, you know she hates my guts. If she were a bit more open minded about shit and not such a bitch about….” You started rambling only to be shushed by him.

“Sweetie….love…..dear GIRLFRIEND you were on speaker there for a sec….so what were you saying about your teacher??” replied Jimin trying to cover up what you had previously said.

“I’ll be there soon babe. Wouldn’t want you to miss me too much” you replied in an overly sweet voice.

“Please babe. Please I NEED YOU” he said in a pleading voice.

“Be right there Chimchim. You owe me” you sighed hanging up.

Jimin’s mother had detested your guts since the very young age of 5, when she saw you smiling in the principal’s office while Jimin cried holding a bloody napkin to his nose. Of course, it was not the kind of hate that had been directed towards you, but more forwarded to your mother. At first it was not as noticeable, mostly just ignoring her but lately everything had become a competition. When Jimin’s mother heard you would be rooming with him, she went completely psycho and it wasn’t until Jimin lied telling her you both were in love and had been dating secretly for a few years she had finally stopped complaining. She was still not your biggest fan, but you had to pretend to be hers. It was absolutely overwhelming to have her pop in and visit unannounced. There had been times where you or Jimin had to shove your actual partners or one nights stands into the closet due to her surprise visits. To make it worse Jimin’s mother was so religious. If she ever were to find out your sexual preferences, or the fact that Jimin has fucked more than half the female population in your city, she would have a heart attack and perform some sort of exorcism on your soul for your sins.

When you finally arrived at your destination, it took you a few seconds to gather the courage necessary to cross the threshold of your apartment. The atmosphere quickly shifted to a suffocating tension as soon as you stepped into the living room. Jimin was currently stirring a pot in the kitchen and his mom had an expressionless face while she sat staring daggers on his back in the dining table. You took off your shoes and ran straight onto Jimin jumping on his back-Koala style. His pout turned into a wide grin as he sealed your lips with his in a quick peck. You jumped down making your way to his mom who now had a soft smile adorning her face.

“Hello Mrs. Park, sorry for arriving late. I had to cover both Hoseok’s and Jimin’s classes today.” You said greeting her.

“No problem. You know I love to come see you guys whenever I get the chance. I miss my boy at home so much. Especially when his father is away a lot and his brother is off in his first year in college as well” she said in a sad tone. Jimin had mentioned quite a few times his mom liked attention and that when she was left by herself she was miserable.

Jimin walked over placing a few plates on the table, “Babe how about you take a quick shower while I get this set. I made some spaghetti”

You nodded “Be right back Mrs. Park” You turned around to give another quick peck on Jimin’s lips and practically ran to the bathroom.

The bath felt absolutely heavenly, and as you walked out in shorts and Jimin’s old basketball team shirt you felt a lot more energized to deal with your pretend monster-in-law.

Your hair was still wet and you were having a hard time drying it. Jimin’s mother was already digging into her plate, and Jimin was already done eating from what you could see. You walked in trying to pick your hair up with a towel to serve yourself when you felt a presence behind you. You turned to see Jimin take away the towel from your hands, and then he proceeded to help you dry your hair. He kissed your neck as he rolled your hair into the towel for it to finish drying on its own.

“You are way too cute” he said giving you a plate so you could serve yourself. You blushed a deep shade of red as you made your way back to the table, where he was already sitting down with a brand-new pile of spaghetti on his plate. Jimin had a tendency of always serving himself seconds, that boy could really eat.

“So, when am I finally becoming a grandparent?? You both are not getting any younger, and you are at the prime of your fertility age. Marriage, of course comes first. Remember intercourse is sacred. I am glad you both still sleep in seperate rooms. I raised such a respectful young gentleman. I am so proud. It is nice to know some of this generation still takes the word of the lord seriously” Mrs.Park stated causing you to choke on a noodle. Jimin spit out his water causing a small shriek to come out of Mrs.Park’s mouth.

“Park Jimin, table manners please.” She said scolding him.

You laughed nervously “Ma’am we are both 24. We still have time for that, plus Jimin is probably wanting some time to concentrate on school without having to wear the title of someone’s husband.”

“Nonsense Sweety” Mrs. Park said way sweeter than she had ever talked to you “You both are so in love, I think even a blind person can see it. I remember when me and Mr.Park had the same puppy in love look in our faces. It is love and you both should embrace it to the fullest” she finished clapping excitedly.

Jimin coughed awkwardly “Mom. We actually have talked about it, and maybe later down the year….you know let’s put suspense to it, alright?? I want it to be a surprise”

“Oh yes surprise.” Mrs. Park said winking at him causing a blush to appear on his defined cheekbones “Anyway, I better be off. Your father is coming in early tomorrow. You know what that means right??” she said once again excitedly.

“You are finally getting laid” Jimin said under his breath causing you to chuckle. His mother caught on to his whispers and smacked him on the head.

“Park Jimin, Respect Sir…..but now that we are talking about marriage around here….” She said winking playfully.

Jimin threw a disgusted face at you causing you to burst out laughing and earning him another head smack.

“Bye Mrs. Park. It was nice seeing you.” you said as she walked towards the door.

“Nice seeing you (Y/N), tell your mother I say hello” she said plastering a fake smile.

You smiled back “Ma’am you will probably see her before I ever do. You are neighbors”

She shook her head “Oh, Yeah….I forgot. Goodbye”

The doorslam made both you and Jimin cringe.

“Well that went well…” you said as you plopped on the couch.

Jimin was already going through the channels “Way better that any other visit it sure was”

���Jimin you need to alert the apartment complex security to not let your mother in the building. Especially during the weekdays” you said snuggling to his side.

He wrapped his arm around you kissing your forehead “Thank you (Y/N) for putting up with all this shit”

“No problem. What are bestfriends for??” you asked ruffling his already messy hair.

He grinned broadly causing tingles to explode within your belly. Jimin’s smiles had always had a strange effect on you. His smiles were so genuine, they always filled you with hope and happiness, even when stuff seemed to be crumbling down. You could honestly say you loved him as a friend. He had been more of a family than anyone in your life. Life with him by your side has been rather interesting and you wouldn’t trade him for the world.

“There’s nothing on TV! What do we dooooo” he complained dramatically laying his head on your lap.

“We could always rent a movie in payperview. I don’t feel like going out….” You said playing with his hair. Something you knew he absolutely loved.

“I don’t wanna go out either…..or we could practice them baby making skills my momma was suggesting” he said playfully tickling your side in the process.

“I think you practice enough on your own BOYFRIEND” you said playfully.

He was about to retort when there was a knock on the door making you both jump.

“Are you waiting for someone??” he asked confused.

You shook your head quickly “Nope….are you??”

He shook his head as the knocks grew more frantic. You looked at eachother a bit scared now. You had both been watching way too many crime shows causing your paranoia to be off the charts. You grabbed the remote control and Jimin took a couch pillow as a weapon.

“Armed and ready” You said as you jumped on Jimin’s back as he walked towards the door. He carried you without a complaint as you got yourself into  a perfect position to attack.

Jimin opened the door cautiously, pillow in hand.

The knocking stopped as a girl with blond hair, big eyes, and a small baby bump was revealed on the other side.

“Mina??” you asked in a whisper.

“Hey (Y/N), Jimin….nice to umm…see you again.” She said in a soft voice.

[socialattractionuk]

People share their stories of the first time they had sex

(Picture: Erin Aniker for Metro.co.uk)

There’s a general consensus that the first time you have sex won’t be that great.

You don’t know what you’re doing, your sex buddy doesn’t either.

Chances of an orgasm are slim. The risk of awkwardness, extremely high.

It feels like the best we can hope for is that we do it with someone we like and it isn’t so awful we’re mentally scarred.

But new research suggests that a rather large portion of Brits don’t feel they were ‘ready’ the first time they had sex. The reasons for this are varied, ranging from not feeling like they had control of the decision to not knowing whether their partner had had sex previously.

To find out more about the reality of having sex for the first time – and to hear people’s regrets – we asked a bunch of Brits to share their tales.

Ron

I was 16 and it happened at Newmarket Racecourse.

Relationship is probably too strong a word but we knew each other. It was a Sunday. August. We just headed there. We weren’t drinking or anything as far as I can remember. We did it on the racecourse. Quickly!

It was forgettable! I was so nervous that I didn’t come. I don’t think she did either.

  Ava

I lost my virginity aged 30 and it was with a guy I’d met on Tinder – it was painful, uncomfortable and forgettable.

He also smelled of nothing – like literally no scent at all – and it was all I could focus on the whole time. Never slept with him again and it put me off trying again. Happy to say things improved later down the line and am in a happy and satisfying relationship now.

It was the right time in my head as I was fed up of not being sexually active – I wanted to know if I was missing anything

I don’t regret it – for me it was just to get it out of the way. I wanted it to be with someone I didn’t love – it was all about the act, not the emotions.

I come from a culture where sex before marriage is frowned upon – so I waited and waited, and was like: is this it? It wasn’t worth waiting for.

  Jenny

Was at T in the Park when I was 16. I got wasted then went to watch David Guetta… ended up kissing a guy I was sort of friends with.

Ended up going back to my tent, losing my virginity (our wellies were still on because the tent was too small to take them off) and as SOON as he finished, he got up and ran out.

Turned out he had a girlfriend of two years who I knew nothing about.

Didn’t feel any particular sense that I had ‘lost’ anything but it was my first experience for sure of guys being total pricks. Didn’t try to make it romantic like a lot of my friends did, so I like that it was a bit rock n roll considering how square I am now.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Emma

I had been with my first boyfriend since I was 14 but we didn’t have sex until I was 16.

We’d done everything else so by the time we actually came to it, I just remember being totally underwhelmed, it didn’t last long and I remember lying there thinking – ‘Is that it????? We may as well have done a year ago!’

But now as a grown up I’m glad I waited and didn’t rush anything as it was with someone I loved and really trusted. I would have hated to have felt the way I did and it be with someone I didn’t care about.

We also had no idea what we were doing and unfortunately I probably didn’t actually enjoy sex until about a year later.

  Amy

At 17, I was the last one of my friendship group to have sex.

I’d done other bits with a boyfriend, but we broke up before we actually went all the way, so I wanted to just get it over and done with. I ended up having sex for the first time with someone I hated while off my face on mephedrone (remember when that was legal?).

I was definitely ready, but the set-up was not healthy. I did a lot of things that I wouldn’t have been comfortable with if I had been sober.

I don’t really regret it because it hasn’t had a horrible emotionally scarring effect on me (as far as I know). I wanted to have sex, I had sex, then I was able to date without that internal pressure of needing to not be a virgin anymore.

I don’t think sex for the first time needs to be a huge deal. As long as you’re ready and it’s consensual, go right ahead. It doesn’t need to be super romantic or done in the perfect way, it’s just a physical act that you’ll likely go on to do many more times with other people.

  James

I was 15. I don’t really remember it, to be honest. It was unmemorable… not in a bad way.

It was in bed, with a girlfriend, tried a bit of sex, that was it. Genuinely have no outstanding memories.

I probably did it too early.

  Sophie

So, I was 15 and had been with my high school boyfriend for around six months. Weirdly I’d only had my first kiss the month before with him. Talk about moving fast, but we really wanted to give it a go and our mates had done it and didn’t hate it so what was the big deal, right?

I reckon the majority of my friendship group lost their virginity in the same month I did. What a time to be alive.

We were on holiday with his family, staying at his grandma’s house up the coast (romance isn’t really in the teenage vocabulary) and literally one night, when everyone went to bed, we just thought, why not?

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We had to do the ‘sneak into one another’s guest rooms’ as we were not allowed to share a bed. He already had a condom handy, because he was a 15-year-old boy keen to have sex, and it was really quite a nothing act. No offence to the guy.

It didn’t hurt (we even checked for the telltale blood on the bed… nothing). It wasn’t awkward. It just…happened. And then it was over and we were like, ‘cool’.

I didn’t feel like I’d changed in any way. The only thing that changed was that I was swiftly put on the pill right as I turned 16, despite not dishing all the dirty deets to my mother previously… so perhaps mum was wiser to any differences in how I acted.

  Sarah

I had just turned 18 and was desperate to lose it before I went to university. I had been seeing my boyfriend at the time for about three months.

He was 24 – which looking back, is way too old to be dating a 17/18 year old – but he had a car and a job and he would get me in to clubs. I didn’t fancy him, but I didn’t really fancy any boys at that point – that came later – I just felt like I was supposed to have a boyfriend and be going on dates, and he was always really nice to me.

It happened one night in his flat. I feel like I knew it was going to happen that night, but I also remember I was wearing a pair of Snoopy knickers so I can’t have been that prepared.

It really, really hurt. He was rather well endowed. He asked me – ‘am I hurting you?’ and through gritted teeth I said, ‘nope!’. But he was trying really hard to be gentle.

After, he scurried off to the bathroom and asked me if I needed any tissue – which at the time I didn’t understand at all, and I was like… ‘no?’

I remember rolling over and thinking, oh god – why do people do this? But I don’t regret it.

No, it wasn’t romantic. No, I didn’t love the guy. But he was kind, and my aim was to lose my virginity before uni – that’s all I wanted out of it. And I don’t think you’re ever, truly ready for the first time you have sex anyway.

  Pete

I lost my virginity at a popular rock music festival in Berkshire after I turned 19.

At the time, it felt like I couldn’t have gone one more day without finally losing my V.

I like to tell people it was ‘intense’, because, yes, my friends, it was in tents.

It was reconciliation sex, as I’d completely fumbled my first attempt to bone only two weeks earlier in the passenger seat of her car.

We agreed to try the act again at the festival, in a close semi-circle of our nearest and dearest friends nearby.

I did not cum, despite my best intentions. You might think that this’d mean that at least she had a jolly good time from my ability to last, but in hindsight it was the most unrhythmic jig wildly spasming above her, and maybe the first time I’d used my hips for anything.

We mutually agreed to call it a day, and we never did it again.

It kickstarted a chain of drunk, one night sex where the person and I would go our separate ways afterwards. I barely remember my second time, and the third time is blackout.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Naima

I’d been with my school boyfriend for about a year – we were proper serious in my eyes, the couple of the school.

The first time we were going to have sex, my mum twigged and wrote a letter to my boyfriend telling him to respect me (and not flush the condom down the toilet), which naturally embarrassed both of us to hell and we were too ashamed to go through with it. Ten years later I still don’t think I’ve forgiven her for that.

We finally committed to it on his 16th birthday – we’d had a wonderful day out in London, had gone and seen a play, etc etc. Mum somehow let us stay in the spare room in a double bed so we set some music up, candles, the full cliché.

But in the build up to it, somehow it came up that he’d been smoking for the past month or so – something I’m really against due to, you guessed it, my mum, who did it constantly. That caused a bit of an argument, but because we’d already hyped ourselves up, we had sex anyway.

I don’t regret losing my virginity with him at all, but I wish we’d done it at another time to save tainting it with me being upset. We stayed together for another couple of years but broke up a short while after he went to uni.

  Rebecca

I had sex for the first time on a beach in Biarritz with a man who I thought was a Vanderbilt but turned out to be a very distant cousin of the Vanderbilts.

I was 18, there were literal fireworks, but I got sand in my vagina and found the whole experience quite undignified.

I really was quite upset that he wasn’t a proper Vanderbilt.

  Adam

I was 17 years old when I lost my virginity in 1993, but I had been lying that I had already lost it since I was 16.

My made-up virginity loss ‘was with a French girl on holiday’. I am pretty sure no-one believed me.

I lost my virginity in the upstairs bedroom of a house party, which smelt of Thunderbirds Blue, teenage excitement and petty theft.

My mate was in the other room and we lost it at the same time. He never saw his girl again but I ended up going out with mine for five years. We met at sixth form, had been heavy petting for a few weeks and then both did it drunk at the party.

I had no idea what I was doing but had seen a porno called Alex D’Renzy’s Easy Way (the VHS label said ‘World Cup 66’ the week before) so I copied some of the moves I had seen from there.

It did not last long, I think I used a condom, and tucked in a plant pot in the bedroom afterwards.

We were doing it on a pile of coats, mine included, it was green corduroy coat, and it was wrecked by teenage fluids. A few weeks later we did it properly, on my girlfriend’s living room carpet, just two of us without the soundtrack of someone shouting ‘I’ve got 3 fingers in’.

I am glad I lost my virginity with a girl I loved, she was a great first love. I remember highfiving my friend walking home and telling my mates the next day, because of my excitement they definitely knew I had been lying about the French girl.

  Claire

I was 17. It was his 17th birthday. It was on the top bed of a bunkbed, at his birthday sleepover with a bunch of his friends.

His friends walked in midway, then his little brother spotted the condom wrapper the next morning

It was awkward… very awkward. It didn’t last long.

I don’t think we ever saw each other again.

  Liv

I did it with my boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 18. He was super nice but his mates had convinced him there would be loads of blood as I was a virgin so he’d got blackout drunk.

Was fine but extremely sloppy and I felt horrible after so I left alone with a bottle of vodka, went to a party and made out with a gross 24-year-old in a dragon shirt.

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Catherine

I was 13, which is far too young, and it was with a boyfriend who was 19, which is far too old.

I regret having sex that early. I felt ready at the time, but looking back it wasn’t right.

  Jess

We met at freshers week at uni – I was a late one by some standards (19), we were seeing each other from September, in December he told me he’d booked a trip to Paris for my birthday. First love and all that, tells you he’s taking you to Paris – we did it right then.

It was pretty damn good and not all that awkward considering it was the first time. That’s how I’m remembering it anyway, 11 years later, maybe I’ve blanked out bad bits.

It was the right time. We were serious about each other at the time, though very young and naive. It led to an awful breakup but I don’t regret it.

  Tom

I was 19. I liked to imagine my first time would be a grand occasion with a marching band, confetti and singing Disney birds to wake me up into sexual maturity. Turns out, life doesn’t always go your way – I was given a single-bed fumble with my neighbour in university halls.

To be honest, there was an element of build-up to it. We had been on a couple of dates before, which perhaps ramped up my awkwardness surrounding it all. I remember it putting on a whole lot of pressure around it, which, looking back, is the worst thing you can possibly do ever.

We went onto have a three-year relationship, so it couldn’t have been too awful. But any attempts to make it ‘sexy’ are dashed when you’re clambering over one another and simply trying not to fall out a tiny bed.

I think I even left my socks on because it was so cold. Diabolical.

Looking back though, I don’t regret it. I’m of the mind of simply getting it out the way so you can move onwards and upwards as fast as possible. Everyone’s first time is an awkward mess, so just try to enjoy/forget about it.

  Grace

The week before my birthday (so I was 18) I met this gorgeous breakdancer at the Student Union and he invited me to see him dance one evening.

I was pretty drunk and I couldn’t believe my luck when he came back with me to my crappy halls. Fairy lights on, the deed was done and I remember thinking maybe I should tell him it was my first time but it really didn’t seem like a big deal.

He had a pretty big dick but it wasn’t painful as such. I remember thinking why do people make such a big deal out of having or not having sex – it’s not world changing either way, but I really, really, really liked this guy so I was so chuffed with myself and also in awe of this dude.

Anyway, we’re finished and I was like, gosh, I’m so glad that happened, I’ve never done that before.

He was crushed. He was like: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, I wish you had told me, I would have made it more special. I had no idea.

Part of me thought: look at me, I’m a natural. Part of me thought maybe I did a bad thing by not saying – maybe it was a big thing for him.

He’s literally one of the hottest and nicest people I’ve ever met.

The next time we had sex he covered himself in honey and I woke up stuck to him.

Names have been changed and stories have been edited for length and clarity.

When is the right time to have sex?

The law says it’s legal for you to consent to sex from the age of 16.

Beyond that, the choice of when to have sex is up to you.

The NHS recommends asking yourself some questions:

Does it feel right?

Do I love my partner?

Does he/she love me just as much?

Have we talked about using condoms to prevent STIs and HIV, and was the talk OK?

Have we got contraception organised to protect against pregnancy?

Do I feel able to say “no” at any point if I change my mind, and will we both be OK with that?

If you answer ‘yes’ to all of these, sex is on the table.

However, if you answer ‘yes’ to any of the following questions, now may not be the right time:

Do I feel under pressure from anyone, such as my partner or friends?

Could I have any regrets afterwards?

Am I thinking about having sex just to impress my friends or keep up with them?

Am I thinking about having sex just to keep my partner?

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I’ve been a huge fan of Philipa Gregory for a long time. I loved how she was able to use history, legend, gossip, and lore to make enthralling books. With all the hype that the show version of The White Princess is getting, I wanted to go back through my notes and talk about both books/shows and the true history that inspired them! We’ll go into The White Queen first and then delve into The White Princess…

Melusine

Melusine is a mythical mermaid-like creature that exists in various European folklore, but exists mainly France. Historically, the Luxembourg family is one of many who claims ancestry from Melusine. It fed into the thought that Jacquetta claimed strong heritage from Melusine, as well as mystical powers. The fact that a text of the tale of Melusine was found in her personal collection didn’t help matters, but seeing as it was a popular story of love and loss, it wasn’t rare and her involvement in the legend is probably very much exaggerated.

To give you a short version of the legend of Melusine, she was a beautiful half woman and half mermaid/serpent that only took on her mythological form once a week. A man hunting came upon her and offered her marriage. She accepted as long as he would leave her alone in total privacy once a week to bathe. For a time, they were happy, but the man soon grew too curious and spied on his wife, seeing her true form. Enraged, Melusine flew from the castle, never to be seen again, although she still thought of herself as the protector of her family and would wail when a member passed and help them if she could.

BTW Does this double tailed beauty look familiar? If you’re a coffee drinker like I am, you’ll recognize her as the Starbucks mermaid. Think about that next time you stop for your morning cup.

Jacquetta of Luxembourg

The Luxembourg family is an old French one, claiming lineage from the fabled Melusine. Jacquetta had many royal ties in different countries due to her high birth, and her first marriage was to a son of King Henry IV of England. They had no children by the time he died two years later, leaving Jacquetta a young and extremely wealthy duchess. As her title made her the second most powerful woman in the English court, next to the queen, she could have had her choice of husbands…

Lowly English knight Richard Woodville was tasked by the king to bring the newly widowed Jacquetta to court. But the pair fell in love. Despite it being illegal due to their difference in status and their refusal to wait for royal permission, they still married in secret. When it came out, no one could really be the mad, and they were merely fined. But Jacquetta was BFFs with Henry’s queen Margaret and Margaret made sure Richard got a title to put him on more even footing with his wife. So, he became Earl Rivers and the Lord High Treasurer.

Jacquetta and Richard had 14 children during their marriage, including “The White Queen”, Elizabeth. As she, obviously, made sure her children received titles, position, and even a crown, she was thought to be a witch by many. Most notably, she was accused of using sorcery to seduce King Edward into the bed of her daughter Elizabeth. While the charges were later dropped due to lack of evidence, the gossip followed her until her death…and followed her daughter for the entirety of her life as well.

Elizabeth Woodville

Born around 1347 to a well respected genteel family. She married first to a man who died a Lancaster supporter, leaving her a widowed mother of two sons. Luckily, she was still young enough to marry again and was “the most beautiful woman in the isle of Britain…with heavy lidded eyes like those of a dragon.” Might not sound like a compliment, but it totally was. If it wasn’t for being named a Lancastrian traitor, the obviously fertile mother of two boys could have married again easily. But it was almost lucky for Elizabeth that she wasn’t one to hop on the first man who came by her home. No, Elizabeth had her sights set on a man worthy of her.

Anyway, historians can’t agree as to how Elizabeth met the young King Edward IV, although the general lore says that Elizabeth dressed plainly and waited by the side of the road for Edward to pass with her two sons. Her original plan is said to have been to merely receive some sort of pardon for her dead husband (who fought and died after fighting against Edward and his York army, thus losing his wealth). But when Edward saw her, he was taken by her innocence, her maternal glow, and the graceful elegance she held even when not decked out in jewels. Edward wanted Elizabeth and would do anything to have her, even defy his family and his advisers to marry her in secret.

They had a strong marriage where 10 children were born and no matter what mistresses Edward took, he always came back to his wife. Again, not suuuuper romantic, but there weren’t many kings out there without a bevy of mistresses, and at least Edward actually did love Elizabeth. Their marriage is said to be one of the early examples of true love in a royal marriage. But her ability to sway the gaze of a king and make herself his queen made some believe that she was witch, just like her mama.

Edward IV

Yeah, not the glowing blonde god we saw in the show, but for a guy back then, he was the Jake Gyllenhaal of his time. He is noted as being “a man so vigorous and handsome that he might have been made for the pleasures of the flesh”. His hot bod got him at least 15 children that history knows of, but I’m guessing there were more little Eddies stashed around England. For Edward, he was born in France, the oldest living son of Richard of York, who believed he was the true king of England….Well, he might have been, or he might have been the illegitimate product of an affair by his mother. That story was drug up throughout his reign, and even after his death, to weaken his claim to the throne as well as that of his children’s. No matter who is daddy was, Edward really took the York mission to heart and fought to become the first York king of England…and the tallest one in history! He and his two brothers were known as the three suns in the sky and the three sons of York.

As I’ve said, he spied Elizabeth and her boys and thought she’d make a hell of a wife. She was a bit older and not a princess like he “should” have wed, but when Edward wanted something, he was sure to get it. Besides, the fact that she was obviously capable of birthing children mainly sons, was particularly attractive. So he put a ring on it and made her his queen. It ended up that the ex-Lancaster supporter was well loved but the people! Elizabeth’s 12 unmarried sisters soon found top notch marriages and Edward was basically surrounded by his in-laws. Much of the other nobility was angry, but Edward told them to shut up or shove off.

There was some rebellion against Edward’s reign, sometimes headed by his own brother George, but there was no other strong claim to the throne besides a little guy named Henry Tudor who was living in exile. The rest of Edward’s short life kept him in power and when he died at the age of 40, he made his brother, Richard, the protector of England until his son Edward could be crowned.

Richard III

Spoiler alert! Prince Edward (now known as lil’Edward) was never crowned and Richard became king. When King Edward died, he thought his little brother Richard would keep his crown safe for his son, but he was super wrong. Richard placed his nephew in the Tower of London to await the coronation that would never come.

To take the crown, he began by ousting the Woodvilles from power, imprisoning the men and forcing the women into hiding. Queen Elizabeth herself went into sanctuary with her daughters and youngest son Richard (now known as lil’Richard) while Richard worked on making her marriage to King Edward illegitimate, thus ruining lil’Edward’s claim to the throne. He ended up imprisoning both boys in the tower, where they never left (more on that later).

Richard finally got his just desserts when he was killed in battle by Henry Tutor’s forces at the age of 32. Recently, his battered bones were found in during construction and it was found that he did have uneven shoulders and a curvature of the spine as many have said. He was also found to have been mutilated before being unceremoniously dumped in a ditch. While he wasn’t a handsome man in his prime, it’s a wonder that he was able to start some kind of relationship with his niece Elizabeth of York..but that’s a tale for my next post.

The Princes in the Tower

Once lil’Edward was already in The Tower of London “for his safety”, Richard plucked lil’Richard from sanctuary and had him join his brother. Over the next few months, Richard was made king, Elizabeth and Edward’s marriage was made illegitimate, and the boys were seen less and less until they were never seen again.

It is widely accepted that Richard had a hand in the boy’s disappearance and even at the time he was thought to be the murderer, well that he ordered it anyway. With them out of the picture, he thought there wouldn’t be any issue with him retaining the throne.

But there’s another theory that at least one of the boys survived. Now Elizabeth Woodville was a smart woman and knew how hard it had been for Edward to keep his throne. She knew that if she let lil’Richard go to the tower like lil’Edward, he would never come back. It’s thought that she was able to smuggle lil’Richard out of sanctuary to take a new identity with a trusted family and replaced him with a local boy. For years afterwards, several people came forward claiming to be the lost prince, but none was ever confirmed. Since then, two sets of children’s skeletons have been found, but neither have been tested. So it’s possible that we will never know what happened to Elizabeth’s sons.

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I hope you found this little look into the world of The White Queen fun and informative. I’ll be working on something for The White Princess soon, so keep checking back for more historical fun! And if Scottish history is your thing, read some historical articles with a fun twist on our Outlander page HERE!

If you enjoyed this write up, you’ll probably love my book, Queen of Emeralds! It’s a historic romance set in the highlands that you can get HERE in paperback, ebook, or free on kindle unlimited!

The History Behind ‘The White Queen’ I've been a huge fan of Philipa Gregory for a long time. I loved how she was able to use history, legend, gossip, and lore to make enthralling books.