#but also remus acting coldly towards sirius for thinking remus betrayed all of them

[starsyearn]

thinking about wolfstar post-war and i’m actually crying (is that really a surprise to anyone at this point)

[blitheringmcgonagall]

All Too Well...

 @therealrjlupin sent me an ask to celebrate the reader milestone on ff.net for  We Can Be Heroes surprise, surprise asking for angsty Wolfstar!! Then tumblr ate your ask so sorry about that, here it is anyway. This is for you and for @stonecoldhedwig who wrote a very angsty Jily  My Heart Is Overcome  - very beautiful but so bloody poignant, so this is payback (also for the magnificent fanart for we can be heroes, but that deserves a lot more than this...!)

   All Too Well

“Black!”

Sirius felt his heart rate hammer and the blood pounding in his ears as he whirled around to face Snape, his wand in his right hand.

“What the fuck do you want, Snivellus?”

He was constantly on edge, ready to snap, to lose it, since he had run away from home that summer. He called it running away, but it wasn’t. Being thrown out and disowned by your own parents, with nothing but the clothes he had on that day… he had wanted to leave, Merlin yes, he had threatened to leave hundreds of times. But he had stayed. To be near Reggie. To protect his little brother. Physically protect him, certainly, but also to act as a barrier against his parents’ poisonous ideas, to stop them seeping into his immature, innocent, wretchedly gullible psyche. The Potters had taken him in immediately, kindly, enthusiastically, no questions asked.

But this constant worry about Reggie, this guilt for leaving him alone with them? His stupid, pathetic weakness in minding that his parents didn’t love him, this feeling of abandonment? He hated it, hated himself, hated everything, so much. He was irritable as fuck. Always on the offensive, and defensive, high alert, fight or flight. It didn’t help that Mulciber and his mates constantly muttered snide comments under his breath when he passed, loser, a nobody, disowned, nobody wants you. It infuriated him that it bothered him, that his throat had a habit of constricting, his stomach feeling sick every single time. Bastards. He wanted to hurt them, wanted to lash out, so badly. How many times had James and Remus stopped him mid-curse? How many times had he already found himself in Mc Gonagall’s office since the start of term?

Less than two days ago he had narrowly avoided yet another detention, he was ready to send a nasty curse Avery’s way, one of his family’s Black Specials, when Remus had appeared, breathless from running and grabbed hold of his robe and pulled him to the side. Avery had sent a curse his way and Remus had blocked it and deducted points. Once Avery was gone, Sirius had punched the stone wall, viciously, repeatedly.

“Padfoot, stop!” Remus had whispered urgently, still breathing heavily.

“I can’t,” he had whispered back, determined not to break down, hissing in pain as his bloodied knuckles collided with the stone again and again.

“Padfoot,” Remus had said, a look of horror and desperation on his face as he grabbed his hand and brought it up to his mouth.

He had stared in awe, momentarily stupefied.

“Don’t, please,” Remus had murmured gently, kissing his injured knuckles reverently. “I can’t bear it.”

He stood speechless for a moment, watching Remus’ face turn a warm hue.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, exhaling suddenly, their foreheads meeting.

Then they were kissing, almost frenzied, frantic, Remus backing him into the wall whispering his name over and over, all his rage and fears forgotten.

He didn’t know what it meant, but Remus’ face looked so different since then, all lit from within, golden almost. Sliding his long fingers so they intertwined with his own, under the table at breakfast and lunch and dinner. Stealing kisses behind the tapestry outside Charms and behind the greenhouse. Remus seemed to think they were… they were something. He desperately hoped so. He was too frightened to ask, but he went along with it, smirking widely and grinning like a loon every time Remus walked into his line of sight, hoping he looked cocky, arrogant, cool, collected. He did. Remus looked pleased, a warm look in his kind, moss-green eyes, a slight glow on his cheekbones, a glance his way, followed by his teeth biting the side of his lips. He looked smitten, and Sirius could feel himself melt.

“I saw you, with that half-breed, Lupin,” Snape said, quiet but calm.

He saw red, rage flaring in his chest till he couldn’t even see properly, his vision narrowed to just a pair of dark eyes and white face staring at him coldly.

“You’ll regret saying that,” he said, his wand hand raised, trembling.

“Your choice, Black, if you don’t want Lupin to end up in trouble with Bellatrix and her friends, you’ll prove that he and you are not together. Otherwise, he has a target on his back.”

“What?”

“You heard me, Black. Twenty-four hours.” “What the fuck? Why?” he shouted moving forwards with grim satisfaction as he saw Snape’s eyes fill with fear.

“That beast nearly killed me last year, as did you. Call it payback.”

“You bastard!”

His jaw was clenched so tightly, his lips practically closed. He jerked his knee up, without warning, and Snape groaned and doubled over, holding his groin.

“Mr. Black!”

It was Minerva Mc Gonagall, looking at him with concern.

“Follow me, immediately,” she said, motioning towards him as she went to check on the other student and directed him to the Infirmary.

“This behaviour cannot continue, Sirius,” she said.

There was worry in her stern eyes, and she was wringing her hands. He said nothing, clenching and unclenching his jaw and staring ahead.

“I will have to let your-“

Sirius’ breathing hitched and his eyes widened.

“Please, not Mother, she-“ he said.

“The Potters, I will have to let them know,” Minerva said, putting out her hand and squeezing his shoulder. “Mrs. Black will not hear about this.”

He saw her concern and nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“Tell them I’m sorry.”

“Tell them yourself, Sirius.”

He felt so guilty for causing them trouble, but perhaps it was for the best, once they realised how fucked up and bad he was, they would get rid of him too, better if that happened now rather than later, when he got too used to Mia’s kindness and Monty’s soothing calmness. There were tears in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

                            ……………………….

  He was a coward. He had waited till the last few hours before the deadline, chain smoking, before finally asking Remus to meet him downstairs in the deserted common room. It was late. He could see Remus stifling a yawn, looking gorgeous in the candlelight, but so tired, and worried. He was always so observant.

“What’s wrong, Pads?” he said, putting his hand on Sirius’ knee and squeezing it gently, sitting opposite him beside the fireplace. “You haven’t been yourself all day.”

He tried to smile, faking everything, but he couldn’t speak.

“This…” he motioned between them, aware his voice was trembling.

“Us?” said Remus.

“There is no us,” he whispered hoarsely.

Remus removed his hand from his knee slowly.

“Oh,” he said softly.

Sirius sent him a tight smile, vacant and empty.

“You know me, I don’t do relationships.”

“I thought… I thought you liked it,” Remus smiled.

He looked hurt though.

“I did,” Sirius whispered.

“It doesn’t have to mean… it doesn’t need to be more than…” Remus whispered, still smiling, a few tears tracking down his right cheek. “I wouldn’t mind if...”

He wanted to scream.

“No, I can’t. Sorry.”

He heard Remus catch his breath and nod slowly, watched as Remus turned away and headed back towards the stairs, stopping when he got to the bannisters.

“You shouldn’t have… you should have told me,” Remus said. “I…”

He looked dignified, and shattered.

Sirius nodded, stiff upper lip, clenched jaw, shoulders so tight they hurt, praying his tears wouldn’t betray him until after Remus left. He could see Remus frowning, as though trying to sense how he was feeling. He turned his back on Remus and gripped the mantlepiece, trying to breathe.

“Padfoot?” Remus asked quietly.

“Go,” he answered, knowing he sounded all wrong, hard and desperate.

He heard Remus sigh, heard desolate footsteps fade as he ascended the spiral staircase, leaving Sirius spiralling downwards. He didn’t deserve Remus anyway, maybe it was for the best. 

Swiping furiously at his eyes he picked up his quill and wrote a note.

 Snape,

As discussed. Done.

Sirius Black

The ink was smudged, like Prongs’ left-handed notes.