#I hope this is angsty enough bestie

[targaryen-dynasty]

alrightie bestie, I find the slutty sleepover a lovely idea!

with this being said, I'd love if possible the gif number eleven with aemond and if possible as kinks: breeding kink and size kink!

(I'd love canon era but I am fine with whatever you come up with)

alrightie I am off and have a spooky time!

KINKTOBER SLEEPOVER.

No. 2 -> GIF.

Aemond Targaryen x fem!Reader

WARNINGS: SEXUAL CONTENT-MINORS DNI; p in v, breeding kink, breeding, pregnancy kink, size kink, size difference, mentions of reader's appearance

WORDS: 1.5 K

NOTES: My beloved angsty, thank you so, so much for this request! That gif is my favorite. Hope you like this!

Moments like these always made you terribly aware of how much taller, and stronger, your husband was than you, whereas that realization made you incredibly aroused. Where Aemond had you captured between his tall frame and the stone wall before, forcing you to meet his gaze by craning your neck up to look at him, you now were pinned between him and your marital bed. 

But Aemond had not always been like that. There was a time where he was hesitant to take you whenever he desired, whenever he needed you. 

In the early stages of your marriage, it almost seemed as if the young prince was intimidated by you, afraid to touch you, but perhaps he just had been incredibly embarrassed by his lack of hands-on experience with the act of bedding his partner.

He hadn’t told you about the bad experience he had when he turned three-and-ten, his older brother did to make fun of him, and your heart ached for the poor man you had married when you had heard the story. 

So, you made it your duty to show him the true sensuality of fucking, and, surprisingly, it didn’t take too long for him to relax, his confidence growing rather quickly. 

But something at supper with his family must have aroused him to the point of no return, and you partly blamed it on the slowly growing swell of his older sister’s middle.

And boy, never before had he given into his desires so easily. While he had taken you like a man starved a hundred of times before, the man that thrusted into you now came closer to a wildling that lived beyond the wall, than the dutiful second son of King Viserys Targaryen. 

Even before the door to your chambers was closed completely, Aemond‘s lips were on yours, claiming them while he herded you against the wall. His nimble fingers clawed at your gown, and, once it fell to the ground, your smallclothes, a tad too eagerly undoing the laces of your bodice and everything that lay beneath. 

You had to physically stop him from easing into you right then and there, and even when you were allowed to climb onto the bed, Aemond was very adamant to mound you as fast as possible. 

‘On your hands and knees,’ he had ordered, and when you weren’t quick enough to follow his command, he had used his hand to nudge you into the position he desired. Despite the urgency he had held in him, he was gentle, but there just was more determination in him than usual. 

You had done as he told you to, presenting him your slick womanhood while he stripped himself of his breeches and braises, not caring much if the tunic hung still from his shoulder. He had positioned himself behind you, the tip of his cock dragging up and down your slick folds, until it eventually breached your core with a sigh of relief leaving his parted lips. 

‘Tonight is the night I shall put a babe in you,’ he had panted, his voice hoarse despite not really doing anything. The thought of getting pregnant had so often crossed your mind, especially when you had heard the news of Rhaenyra being pregnant with hers and Daemon’s first child, and then the second followed. And when Helaena announced her pregnancy, the longing became more and more apparent. 

And it seemed your husband felt exactly the same. 

The topic had felt too delicate for you to approach it for the longest of time, hence your lack of conversation regarding it, but the threads of your husband’s restraint had obviously snapped, and you knew it was time to give him an heir. 

When the ministrations of Aemond’s hips became too harsh, too rough, your small frame toppled forwards, landing stomach first on the bed. But his thrusts didn’t stop at that, and the dragon behind you merely moved to straddle your thighs, until eventually the weight of his body collapsed on you and hugged you like a mantle, pinning you down beneath him. 

“Gods,” you moaned, shushed by Aemond’s lips on your temple. “I can not wait to see your belly swell with my child,” he rasped into your ear to which you just whimpered. “I want everyone at court to know. I want them to look at you and know who is fucking you every night, to whom you belong.”

Your hands clawed the linen beneath your sweaty frame, and Aemond was quick to bring both of his own to put them over yours, his hand big enough to cover them whole. He interlocked his fingers with yours, grasping them mayhaps even a bit too tightly. 

“Do you like that?” he asked, keeping his lips against your skin, and you could hear his smug grin from miles away, you didn’t even have to look at him. 

The warmth of his body, his weight and scent clouded your every being, and even though his thrusts weren’t as fast as before anymore, they still were determined and harsh enough to render you speechless, your mind and body completely claimed by him. 

You were not exactly frail or petite, but he was so much bigger than you that it didn’t even matter. You felt safe and blessed in his hold, fucked like a wildling, but loved with such intensity you felt like the most desired lady in the realm. 

“Y-Yes,” you whimpered beneath him, releasing one gasp after the other when his cock repeatedly brushed the spot inside of you that had you seeing stars. “I-I want… need you, husband,” you moaned, heat building inside of your belly. As you took in a deep breath, you turned your head slightly to chase his lips for a kiss, which he eagerly granted you. 

Your lips only parted to release breathy groans and whimpers, but your faces stayed close together. “Want a babe so, so much, husband,” you whimpered against his lips, “you will give me one, yes?”

At your words, you could feel his body tense with desire, his cock twitching at the thought putting a child in you. “Yes,” he panted, “as many children as you wish. Sons and daughters both, I swear.” 

One of his hands released yours to snake beneath your body, aiming for your sensitive pearl. Though the linen beneath had granted you at least a bit of friction, it wasn’t enough to bring you to your peak. His thumb circled over the little bud, coated with your arousal, and the thread in your belly was close to snapping. 

“Let me give you an heir. Put a babe in me, husband.”

It appeared that your words granted him a new-found vigor that had you gasping, the pace of his hips increasing. “My seed, my heart, ‘tis all yours,'' he groaned, “you want it, wife? You want my seed?”

You could only whine at the question, and started to roll your hips against his hand and hips, creating some extra friction that not only fed your own pleasure, but his, too. You came with a cry of his name, and if you wouldn’t be lying on your stomach already, you surely would have toppled over at the force of your peak. 

As you clenched around him like a vice, with your small frame trembling beneath his, Aemond released a strangled moan, his own peak being milked out of him by your convulsing walls. 

Both your bodies moved on their own accords, rutting and rocking in rhythm to make sure that your act bore fruit. Only when Aemond felt as if there was not one drop of his seed left inside of him, he stopped his ministrations, the hand that had circled your pearl coming up to seize your hips, stilling them. 

He pressed his lips to the side of your face, his heavy, erratic breathing fanning over your flushed and sweaty skin. In that moment, you felt whole. His weight pinned you down, keeping you grounded, and the softness of his gestures comforted your tumbled mind. “Are you certain it worked?” you whispered, the matter suddenly seeming far too delicate again. 

Aemond braced himself on his hands, but was careful to stay nestled inside of you, despite his cock slowly becoming flaccid. “Only time will tell, sweet wife,” he replied, “but that does not have to stop us from trying a few more times… just to make sure.” There was a teasing edge in his voice, and when his arms wrapped around your body to take you with him as he sat back on his haunches, you knew that a long night lay ahead of you – but you didn’t mind at all. 

[jennasslut33]

Cairo Sweet x Masc!Fem!Reader

Cairo, Winnie, and R/Reader are classmates. R is in love with Cairo but she doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, not yet at least, and Cairo uses R to make someone else jealous. R has enough of this and decides to forget about Cairo. R and Winnie are besties.

Maybe a smut scene? At the end?

Top!Reader x Bottom!Cairo

If it doesn't fit, it doesn't!

It can and in multiple ways. I vote for the happy ending, but if you feel like you want more angsty ending, I understand! Plus, if you don't want to write about this, it's perfectly fine too!

Thank you, Hope you are doing well!

My pretty girl.

Warnings: smut, 18+, angst a bit?, fingering, praise, pussy eating, Masc!Fem!Reader x Cairo Sweet, top!r, bottom!Cairo.

MNDI!!

it was a normal day for you. You were currently sitting in cairos bedroom of her parents mansion that they left her while they were away. Cairo was studying - as per usual, smoking a cigarette - while you and Winnie were sitting on cairos queen sized bed.

You, you however were in love with cairo. Did she know that? Absolutely fucking not. Because you didn’t know how she felt about you. You didnt wanna take any chances, and ruin the friendship you and cairo have.

While you were lost in thought, staring at a wall, you felt a hand on your thigh, and someone shaking you back to reality and out of your thoughts. When you looked up, you saw cairo and Winnie staring at you, Winnie’s hand on your thigh.

“Are you good? We’ve been callin’ your name for like.. the past two minutes.” Winnie said, looking at you. You blinked a few times, you saw how cairo was looking at you; one of her perfect eyebrows raised in confusion and question, her perfect maroon lips wrapping around the filter of the cigarette— ugh, god, focus!

“hm? o-oh uhm.. yeah! y-yeah, im fine. I just uh.. spaced out for a second. Sorry.” You said, trying act like you weren’t imagining the best way to ask out cairo without ruining your friendship with her.

Winnie raised an eyebrow at you. “what were you thinking about that you couldn’t hear us screaming in your ear for a good two minutes?” she chuckled. You looked at cairo, and then back at Winnie.

“o-oh uhm.. just uhm.. t-tests.. that we have for school.. just wondering if im gonna pass or not..” you lied, because there was no way in fucking hell. That you were gonna admit that you were thinking about how to ask out Cairo, WHILE she was in the room.

“You’re a smart girl, Y/N. I’m sure you did fine, you always get straight A’s, don’t you?” Cairo said, before taking a drag of her cigarette. “Well, sometimes not everything is gonna stay perfect.. I mean, I don’t know Jack shit about the world war. I tried to get as much information as I could, but I really couldn’t. I had such a busy schedule that I didn’t have enough time to study!” You exclaimed quickly, clearly in a bit of a panic. Because, well.. that also did happen.

“hey, hey! Calm down, girl. So what if you get something lower than an A? It don’t matter, all that matters is that you try your hardest, doll face” Winnie reassures. You sigh. You lay back on Cairos bed, and put your hands over your eyes. “God, im so fucking tired..” you say under your breath “then sleep.” Cairo said randomly. You sat up and looked at her.

“In your bed? Seriously?” You said with a raised eyebrow and a questioning tone of voice.. maybe a hint of sarcasm. “Yes, my bed. You’re already laying in it, and the floor is uncomfortable. Just sleep, Y/N” she said, clearly not in the mood for anyone’s bullshit.

“ugh, fine. You’re so bossy.” You said, laying back down and Winnie- well.. she was already knocked out cold on the couch next to the window.

About an hour goes by, and you feel someone’s arms wrapped around you from behind.. you were a masc.. “I don’t think this is how it works.. but uhm.. alright..” you think to yourself. You were just sleeping, and when you turned your head, your face went a bit red. Cairo?? why was she cuddling you?

“go back to sleep..” she said, mumbled into your neck. “why’re you cuddling me?” You asked quietly, not wanting to wake up Winnie. “because, you’re warm.” She said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. You rolled your eyes and you went back to sleep, exhaustion taking over your body.

. . .

The next morning, you wake up and have a shower, do what you need to and get ready. Winnie and cairo were already up. You all walked to the school, following cairo because she knows where she’s going, since she does this every damn day.

When you, Winnie and cairo all got to school, all three of you were standing in the packed hallway, it was filled with students. 7:48 in the morning, “how the fuck do these kids have so much energy at this time of the morning..” you think to yourself.

Cairo saw the girl she liked, being touchy and flirty with another guy, and all of a sudden, you feel someone wrap your arms around their waist. You looked down and saw cairo.

“What’re you doing?” You asked, your eyebrow raised in confusion. You didn’t know that cairo liked someone else. “Nothing, just hold me, please? im cold.” She said, looking up at you. You smiled and held you tight against you.

Winnie wiggled her eyebrows at you, a small smirk on her face and you rolled your eyes and mouthed “shut up” to Winnie, making her giggle.

. . .

Ever since that day, it’s been about almost two months. You think that cairo likes you back, because she’s been touchy, flirty, calling you pet names and letting you sleep in her bed a lot more often.

Today was the day, you were gonna ask her out. you walked into school, and after the first two periods it was break, and you went to go find Cairo. Your heart slamming against your rib cage, you feel like you’re on one of those carnival rides, where they go up really high and then drop, and it makes your stomach feel like your insides were all the way up to your head.

You walked around for a while, and when you walked behind the school, you froze. Your eyes were wide, your heart broke into a million pieces. Cairo was making out with that girl she likes. Tears well up in your eyes. You feel so.. used, betrayed, hurt, angry, just a whole mix of emotions.

You ran off, and you went to go find Winnie. Once you did, you told her everything, and you couldn’t stop crying. You were just some toy for cairo to use, to make that girl jealous. Almost as if cairo never even wanted you in the first place. 

the next few weeks, you became more distant, you didn’t go near cairo, you and Winnie stayed together. Whenever cairo would try to talk to you, you’d push past her and walk off, and go find Winnie.

. . .

Late one night, you got a text.

Cairo <3 (9:32 PM)

“Y/N, please talk to me. Why won’t you talk to me anymore?”

“You don’t even look at me anymore..”

you stared at those texts for a good five minutes. maybe even ten. you then replied back, your thumbs gliding across the screen as you texted back.

“You toyed with me, fucked with my feelings, and you used me to make another girl jealous?? What the fuck is wrong with you, cairo.”

your text was read immediately by Cairo, the three dots popping up on your screen that showed she was typing. while you waited, you scrolled through your social media until you saw her text pop up.

Cairo <3 (9:35 PM)

“im sorry, Y/N. But I really liked her, and she made me jealous, so I wanted to make her jealous..”

“please, I’ll make it up to you. I don’t want her anymore, I want you.”

“I miss you, Y/N.”

“Please, let me make it up to you”

you stared at the texts. You didn’t know if she was trying to get you back for her to use you again, or if she really wanted you to come back to her.

“Whatever. I’ll be over in 20 minutes.”

you got ready, and then got an Uber to Cairos mansion.

23 minutes later..

You finally arrived at her mansion and you walked inside. You walked up the large grand staircase and went to her room. You saw her laying on her bed, and when she saw you, she immediately stood up and went to run to you. You backed up.

“Y/N.. please I—“

“Shut up.” You said coldly, cutting her off. She looked taken aback, but she shut her mouth.

“Do you still want me, Cairo?” you asked, walking towards her slowly.

“y-yes..” she said quietly. she looked up at you, and you grabbed her chin between your thumb and index finger.

“She’s gone now, yes?” you asked, wanting nothing but the truth out of her pretty little mouth. all she did was nod.

“Do you want to be mine, cairo? Do you want me to make you mine?” you asked, your left hand now gripping her waist while your right hand was still holding her chin.

“yes.. please..” she said in a whisper.

“get on the bed.” “Now.” You demanded, which she obeyed immediately without question. You got on the bed as well, and you sat in front of her legs.

“Spread you legs for me.” you said, looking at her through your lashes. She did as she was told, spreading her legs wide. You straddled her hips, and leaned down, capturing her lips in a fierce, passionate kiss. your tongues sliding together, lips moving against each other in rhythm.

You kissed along her jaw, down her neck, and all over her tits, kissing any part of that sweet, smooth, soft, squishy flesh of hers that was visible. You kissed down her stomach, nipping at her skin every now and then, and that’s when you made it to between her thighs. You looked at her.

“Lift up.” You said, your fingers hovering above the waistband of her shorts, she obeyed, lifting her hips as you swiftly pulled her shorts and panties down, taking them off. You positioned yourself between her thighs, and pressed kisses, and gentle nips on her inner thighs. Her pussy was already dripping for you.

“Y-Y/N.. please..” she whined. You smirked, and you looked at her. “Please what? Use your words, Cairo.” You said as you continued to kiss and nip at her inner thighs, getting closer and closer to her dripping core.

“please.. I need you.. i-i want to be yours, Y/N.. please..” she begged. God, it was like music to your ears. “Good girl.” You praised, and your tongue then darted out, flicking over her clit as she gasped and moaned, those sweet, sweet sounds you had always longed to hear.

You continued to suck on the sensitive bundle of nerves, until you slammed two fingers inside of her aching cunt, making her gasp in surprise and pleasure. You didn’t move them just yet. You wanted to hear her beg.

“w-why.. mmh.. w-why aren’t you moving..?” she said through heavy breaths. You pulled away from her clit, your fingers still inside of her. “beg for it.” “You want me to finger this pussy, then beg for it, Cairo.” You demanded. Her eyes widened slightly. “w-what..? w-why do I have to—“ you cut her off “do you want to cum or not?” you questioned, looking at her. she nodded, and whined softly as she could still feel your long, slender fingers inside of her, but not moving. “please.. Y-Y/N..” she begged. “Please what? use your words.” You said teasingly. “please.. please, Y/N, i-i.. I want you to fuck me..” she said through soft whines and heavy breaths.

“There you go. Good girl.” you praised, before taking your fingers out and then slamming them back into her. Your fingers pumping in and out of her aching wet pussy as she gripped the bedsheets so tight her knuckles turned white. She moaned, whimpered, begging you to slow down because she couldn’t take it, but you didn’t oblige. Your goal was to make sure that she wasn’t gonna see that other bitch again, that she was utterly, and completely yours.

“mmh.. I-I wanna—“ she said through moans, her own moan cutting her off mid sentence. “you wanna what? talk, doll face.” you said, still fingering her at a brutal, and senseless pace. “c-cum! w-wanna cum, please!” She begging through loud moans. You could tell she was close, her velvet coloured walls clenching tightly around your fingers as you then curled them upwards, hitting the sweet, soft, spongy spot inside of her, making her gasp.

“Cum for me, cairo.” “I wanna hear you scream.” you said, not slowing your pace. As you kept going, and hit that sweet spot inside of her, her back arched off of the bed slightly, eyes rolled to the back of her head, as she screamed with pure pleasure. Her orgasm crashing over her like a tidal wave.

you helped her ride out her high, finally slowing down your movements, and pulled your fingers out of her. Your fingers now coated in her sweet juices. you put your fingers in your mouth, tasting her. “Mmh.. you taste so good.” you then pulled your fingers out of your mouth. you kissed Cairos forehead, and caressed her cheek.

“You did so well for me, baby.” You praised, looking at her as you smiled softly. You cleaned cairo up, and cuddled with her in bed, spooning her from behind, your arms wrapped around her waist, your face buried into the back of her neck.

All of a sudden, Winnie walked in, jaw dropped. “What. The fuck. Did I just listen to.” She said, looking at you and cairo. “What the actual fuck, are you doing here? You heard everything?” You said, slight disbelief in your tone. “Yes, I heard everything. Goddamn, who knew you were such a dom, Y/N.” She smirked, looking at you. You rolled your eyes and looked at her. But she spoke before you could.

“Sooo..? What’s the deal? Are you two finally together now?” She asked, a hint of hope, amusement, and a tinge of excitement in her voice as she bit her lip, awaiting an answer. “Yeah, we are. She’s mine now.” You said, looking back at cairo who was now fast asleep.

“My pretty girl.”

you whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Cairos neck, before closing your eyes and falling asleep.

________________________________

I hope this is good enough for you btw😭💕

I am still currently working on Keep Quiet pt.2 tho, so stick around pookies💋💋

[papercorgiworld]

With you

About Mattheo, Enzo and Theo

You are depressed and struggling to talk about it, but your boyfriend notices something isn’t right and offers you comfort. 

Struggles take many forms and I've had my share, but I've never been depressed. So I hope I did this right and with respect to those who’re going through or went through that struggle. However, as a writer I want to bring words to all things scary and difficult so we might find comfort. So I hope our sweet Slytherins bring you exactly that: comfort. 💛 Sending you all a lot of love!

Warning: depressed reader, but hopeful/sweet ending

– The request –

Hi bestie, im kinda in a v angsty mood and I was wondering if I could request something for Mattheo, Enzo, and Theo (my favorite boys 🥰) having a significant other who has depression and how they’d react and be there for them please?

Also, please make sure you’re taking care of yourself and drinking enough water 💞

– The writing –

Mattheo: I’ll sit with you.

Mattheo stared at you as you flipped through the pages of your book, not managing to focus on reading it, but not putting it away either. He had noticed something, but he had no clue what it was. Lately you just seemed so absent? You smiled and laughed like normal, but it faded so quickly and it saddened Mattheo. “Can I ask you something?” His soft voice makes you look with intrigued eyes. “When Pansy asked how you were earlier and you smiled and said ‘yeah, fine’ were you? Are you… alright?” His question for an honest and real answer catches you off guard and forces you to think about something you had been wondering about yourself. 

“I don’t know.” You pause and there’s a heavy silence. “I don’t feel alright... Like, I’m sad, but not like sad sad more like I’m a dim light that can’t shine.” You explain. You’re surprised you finally manage to put words to the struggle that had slowly taken over your every day.

Mattheo moves closer to you, seeing your pain and wanting to fix it. "We'll find a way to fix it." Suddenly, finally the sobs fall. "Am I broken?" You ask in response to his words. A hurt look shoots through his face. "NO! You're not broken. That's not what I meant." Your tears keep on falling and the agonising sadness you've felt fills the room. Mattheo's heart squeezes in pain, he can almost physically feel your emotional pain. "You're not broken... far from it... and maybe that's the problem." You look up at Mattheo, eyes blurry with tears. "Let yourself fall apart for once. Break just for a moment, let everyone take care of you instead of you taking care of everyone else." Your chest heaves as your tears fall uncontrollably. "I can't break. I can't feel it all. It's too much. It numbs me." Mattheo wraps his arms around you and you curl up into a ball. “I love you.” He whispers as tears continue to roll down your cheeks. 

“I can’t do this anymore. I feel like there’s no light, no air or no life in me.” You manage to confess and he just squeezes you. His eyes get watery as he feels so pained, hearing you say those words breaks him as much as it relieves him to know that at least you’re not hiding it anymore. “It’s like no matter how hard I try I can’t be happy anymore.” You sob and move away from your boyfriend to dry your tears with your sleeve. Mattheo watches you for a second, giving you some space and keeping himself from holding you until all is fine again, until all pain is gone. He knows very well that he can’t magically cure the hurt you feel, he can’t save you or even know what you’re going through. He struggles to find the right words to comfort you. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, hating the weight you put on him, feeling like instead of feeling down you’re now also spreading misery, but over Mattheo’s dead body that he’ll let you believe that. He cups your cheeks and brings his face close to yours. “Whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, fear, pain, nothing… talk to me or just come to me and sit with me. Just promise me that whatever struggle you’re going through you’ll fight and search for life in all its bright colours. And that when you need someone you’ll come to me, you’ll yell at me until I see you because I’ll do anything for you! Promise?” You nod gently and Mattheo smiles so brightly that his happiness touches you and makes you sob again. 

“Love, is there anything I can do for you in this moment?” You meet your boyfriend’s eyes and let yourself drown in them for a few seconds. “Sit with me?” You whisper. “I’ll sit with you.” He simply and calmly states, like your request wasn’t that weird at all. He gives you a sweet kiss on your forehead and you both sit in silence, in peace and comfort.

Enzo: I’ll walk with you

Enzo is the light, not just in your life but in every room he enters. Recently you felt like you were bringing him down with your silence, absence and general sadness. You felt like you couldn’t keep up with his energised spirit and therefore weren’t worthy of being around him… or anyone for that matter. So you sought solitude, at least then you didn’t have to deal with the suffocating guilt of ruining everyone else’s joy. However, what you didn’t see was that everytime you excused yourself and left, your boyfriend lost the only light in the room that mattered to him. He had noticed something was going on with you but trusted you would talk when ready. 

After weeks of watching you exclude yourself from every occasion, he felt like you were slipping away from him and it terrified him. Not feeling sophisticated enough to come up with the right words Enzo trusted his instincts and did what he did best, show you an abundance of love. 

When he noticed you had a slow and silent morning. He had your favourite drink in your comfort mug ready for you at breakfast. That half sad, half sleepy smile was worth it.

When you forced a smile and it looked like you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders he would bring your favourite snacks by your room. 

When he saw your eyes get teary as you watched the stars he offered you a piece of chocolate.

It was like he was always stocked up with anything that could cheer you up.

You, Pansy and Enzo were walking through the hallways bantering. You laughed at her sassy comments and added some witty remarks, earning a wicked smile from your boyfriend. I love her sooo much! When Pansy announces that she’s got places to be and people to bother, Enzo sees you relax and as soon as Pansy leaves your face falls. You look less happy, but you also look more real to Enzo. That’s when it hit him. Now that Pansy is gone you're not pretending anymore. You are always so brave, being the joyful one for everyone else. What’s going on in that overcomplicated brain of yours? 

A soft sigh escapes your lips, but you immediately cover it up with a smile, but Enzo sees right through it. He opens his bag and searches for something and you narrow your eyes as he makes some goofy sounds. “Almost.” He says, his tongue sticking out a little as his arm fully disappears in his bag. “Got it!” He suddenly pulls out a small plastic bag with sweets and raises his eyebrows giving you a smirky half smile. “For my sweet lady.” He says opening it and offering it to you. You shake your head and chuckle softly, while letting your eyes roll over all the different candies in the bag. “Hey Enz, why do you always have snacks or sweets or random delicious things with you? You’re turning into that trolly lady on the Hogwarts express.” Enzo laughs at that and you reach for a particular coloury one, but then Enzo falls silent for a second. “You want to know the truth?” You frown and nod, surprised that there’s some serious reason behind the seemingly innocent tasty foods. 

“It’s my stupid attempt to make you happy, because I know you’re not… happy.” You’re terrified at what he just said, revealed, about you. I’m not happy…. You knew it was true but it still hurt to hear your boyfriend say it out loud. Your eyes get teary and part of you just wants to run away. “I don’t know what you’re feeling and you don’t have to explain it to me. Just let me try and make you happy or at least make your day a little less sad.” Enzo offers you the candies again, but this time your heart sinks and your stomach turns. “Is there anything I can do?” Enzo whispers and you just shake your head no. “Please?” Enzo begs just above a whisper. You stare in front of you for a moment. “Will you just walk with me?” You finally say and you lazily move your arm in the direction of your common room. A soft chuckle leaves Enzo’s lips and he slings an arm around you. “I’ll walk with you.” You walk together and in silence and that silent walk gives you hope for happiness. 

Theo: I’ll go with you

Your grades had slipped up, but what your professors were mostly worried about was your lack of effort. So it was Dumbledore himself that had ordered you to go talk to a professional. The idea had been bothering you for days as the appointment approached. You were nervously fidgeting with your fingers and Pansy slapped her book on the table in front of you. “Just don’t go. What are they gonna do about it? Your grades don’t have to be perfect and talking to someone sure isn’t going to get you studying again. They should just make these subjects less boring.” Your boyfriend snorted and smiled reassuringly at you. Yeah, how was talking gonna help? You laugh with Pansy and shake off your worries like you always do when you’re with other people. 

However, the day of the appointment you were lost. You didn’t want to go. You didn’t want to talk. Just thinking about what you would say almost made you cry, break down, throw up… you weren’t ready for this, but you were also in need of someone who could reassure you and help you, give you hope that this agonising feeling wouldn’t last. You didn’t know what to do but you also knew that you weren’t in a good place and needed to do something. Theo had just finished quidditch practice and decided to check up on you instead of hang with his friends. He really didn’t put any thought into it, but when he swung open your door and found your crying and pacing around he was grateful that he had decided to come see you. “What-?” He takes a step towards you and he looks so concerned that you instantly wipe away your tears. “I’m fine. Just stressed.” Your shaky body betrays you and Theodore calmly watches you, not saying a thing, just waiting for you to say something. 

You don’t say anything and feel a sudden fatigue fall over you, so you sit down on your bed. Theodore follows you and gently sits down next to you. When he tries to wrap an arm around you you move away to lay down on your bed. “Is it me?” He asks and you shake no, but don’t meet his gaze. “Is it someone I can punch?” Is his next question and normally this would earn at least a faint smile, but nothing. “Is it-” You can’t bear it anymore, his painfully worried voice hurts you and you were already hurting enough. “No. No. It’s no one. It’s nothing. Everything is fine. The world isn’t falling apart. Okay.” You sound agitated, but Theo isn’t shook by your tone at all. “Sure, looks like my world is falling apart.” He states, staring intently at you. Finally you meet his eyes. “I think I should talk to someone.” You whisper utterly terrified of your own words and of your boyfriend's reaction. “Good thing Dumblredore set up this meeting right?” You offer Theo a weak smile. “I’m afraid to go.” You whisper and Theo thinks over your words, taking them very seriously. “Want me to go with you? I’ll go as far as you need me to go.” You feel fresh air rush through your lungs. With one simple suggestion he had offered you so much, but immediately worries take root in your mind. “You don’t have to. I don’t want to bother you with stuff like this.” Theo lets out a soft laugh and gets up from your bed. “You say that like I have better things to do than be with my girlfriend. Come on, get up. I’ll go with you.” You watch him as you still lay on your bed. “I love you.” You whisper as you summon all your strength and get up. 

[cieloclercs]

what would you say (if i told you i love you)? — charles leclerc

PART: 5/? (read part 4 here)

summary. in which childhood best friends blur the lines between what they’ve always known, and something more

pairing. charles leclerc x artsy!reader

warnings. it’s GROVELLING time !! sad charles, sad reader, swearing, everyone still kind of hates charles (as they should) angst but not quite as angsty as the last part

face claim. tara michelle

author’s note. i hope this is enough suffering for you guys 😭 i’m weak tho so there’s a tinyyy bit of progress at the end 👀 i feel like this one’s a bit messy so i’m sorry about that?? it’s also kind of just setting up the next part but oh well 😭 anyways, LAST PART COMING UP NEXT ☹️ i’m gonna miss this series :’(

NOW PLAYING | Singapore 2023 post-FP1 interview: Charles Leclerc

COMMENTS 32k

username i’m still charles’ number 1 hater rn but he looked so sad at the end… ☹️

username girl no we need to be strong! don’t fall for the sad puppy dog eyes (i know he’s cute but srsly don’t) 🫠

username you’re right, you’re right 😔 haters until the end 🫡

username sir don’t try and blame your shitty mistakes on y/n 😭😭

username HE LOOKS SO SAD I CANT 🥲

username i really hope y/n sees this and realises he’s actually sorry

username no way that’s too easy. charles needs to apologise properly !!

username oh my GOD the way he started smiling when he said y/n is his ‘lucky charm’ AND THEN THE WAY IT DROPPED WHEN HE REMEMBERED THEY’RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE IM GONNA SCREAM 😭😭😭💔💔💔

username charles do you see what you’re doing to us charlesy/n stans?? PLEASE JUST TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL FFS 😫

username i swear if these two don’t pull their heads out of their asses soon I WILL COMMIT MURDER

username so real bestie 😔

username it’s such an invasion of privacy to ask about this though 😭

username fr the press don’t know when to keep out of it 😒

username i think he knows he’s in love with her now, he’s just not sure how to fix things ☹️

username i’m scared this feels like right person wrong time you know? 😃

username don’t say that 🫣 i’m just praying y/n forgives him. as soon as he apologises properly ofc, can’t make it too easy for him mwahahah

username i want to keep hating him but i’ve never seen him look that sad 🥲

username CHARLES YOU DONT GET TO ACT LIKE THE VICTIM WHEN YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S CAUSED THIS

username so true. he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and apologise 🙄

liked by yourfriend and 47,837 others

yourusername always on my mind ☁️💫

view all comments…

username SHE’S BACK IN MONACO GUYS EVERYBODY STAY CALM

username MOTHER HAS RETURNED !!!

username wait is that f1 she’s watching on her phone? 🤨

username omg it is 🤭

username SHE WATCHED THE RACE OMFG

username charles podium as well 😩😩

username it’s like he knew she was watching 🥹

username i hate how quickly everyone’s switching up on the charles situation just because of that interview but at the same time i can’t deal with my parents fighting anymore i need them to make up 😫

leclerc_pascale Bienvenue à la maison, ma fille ❤️ / welcome home, my girl

yourusername 🥰

arthur_leclerc YOU’RE BACK

yourusername did you forget? i literally saw you twenty minutes ago 😭

username the caption 🤔

username we can all agree she’s talking about charles, right?

yourfriend ma femme 🤩 / my wife

yourusername mon amour 😘

username she is everything.

username forget her art SHE IS THE ART RIGHT THERE

charles_leclerc belle / beautiful

username EXCUSE ME??

username SIR WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE PHAHAHA

username charles get tf out of here 😭

username i love how y/n’s just straight up ignoring him 😭

username CHARLES IS HERE GUYS HOW ARE WE FEELING

username i’m so conflicted rn

username like i want them to make up but at the same time he needs to SUFFER like he made y/n suffer

username fr, make him squirm a little 😌

username idk guys, if charles leclerc commented ‘belle’ on MY instagram, i’d be on my knees in an instant 🫣

username girl please 😭

username charles babe please go away you’re ruining the vibes x

username i swear to god if he’s here just to fuck with y/n’s head again i’ll fucking kill him

username he wouldn’t do that

username @charles_leclerc if you want to win her back this is NOT the way to do it

arthur_leclerc @charles_leclerc what did i tell you? 👀

username HAHAHA ARTHUR STOP

joris_trouche @charles_leclerc you should listen to our advice mate 😃

yourfriend @arthur_leclerc @joris_trouche shut up both of you 😒

joris_trouche yes ma’am 🫡

username they’re all ganging up on him 😭

liked by formula1updates and 9,736 others

f1gossip Charles Leclerc and Y/N Y/L/N spotted at the same night club in Monaco 👀

view all comments…

username OH MY GOD IS IT HAPPENING??

username there’s no way this is coincidence charles is boutta beg for forgiveness i’m calling it

username y/n’s actually smiling tho 😭 charles please don’t ruin it x

username we need y/f/n to scare him off before he can ruin her night 🤞

username AHAHAHA YES

username what i’d give to be in that club rn 😔

username fr y/n better be roasting him 😭

➜ part 6

taglist: @cxcewg @incoherenciass @formula1mount @allywthsr @meabhcavanagh @driveswiftly13 @zzblooda @gaslysainz @be-your-coffee-pot @siovhanroy

[absolutebl]

These Weeks in BL - This Is Very Late, Or Right on Time depending on where you sit on the temporal debate team

Sorry I got distracted by work. In my defense: I was paid.

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

March 2024 Wk 1 & 2

Ongoing Series - Thai

Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube grey) ep 12 fin - Unfortunately, there was singing. But what can we do?

A soft charming warm hug of a show about crushes and mind reading and self worth, with no-fuss execution from a consummate team and an OG lead pair proving why they remain eternal and deserve to grow up. Look, here’s the thing, Cherry Magic is a great Thai BL in its own right not comparing it to any other iteration. But even when I do compare (and I've seen all the Cherries and read the manga) it still stands. This is a great show, a solid adaptation, and a pleasing take on the original yaoi. I personally like it better than the Japanese live action, but I think that’s because I just really like Thai BL and I LOVE TayNew. I doubted them for this and I shouldn’t have. They did a great job, as did the sides. I will say all the kissing was both present and better than any other iteration. As it should be. Definitely one for the rewatch rotation. 9/10 

Deep Night (Thurs iQiyi) ep 1 of 8 (10?) - Damn it, I love it. And I don't want to. It’s more classic BL than I thought it would be, and far less Only Friends or Playboyy. (Thank fuck.) We got a big cast and a lot of tropes going down out the gate, including SMITTEN popular hot guy versus nerd with secret identity. (Incidentally, Khem did drop into rude / informal when arguing with his Aunt and defending his ma. Bratty boy.) The leads have good chemistry (First always does), and everyone is very pretty. The main boy reminds me of J-Min's role (and look) in Love Class 2. I am entertained. (And faintly wonder why this isn't a MosBank vehicle.)

To Be Continued (Thai C3 Thailand grey) eps 1-3 of 8- High school sweethearts who had a bad break up reunite a decade later when both of them have full time jobs (celebrity & doctor). Dr Ji is a familiar face (hi Dream it's been a LONG time) and everyone is way too old for high school, but I guess I prefer this to child actors?

I'm enjoying it, actually, the cast may be older but they're solid as a result and the chemistry is on point for a pulp. Whether our celebrity is on the DL or cheating or something else remains to be seen but he sure is smitten. The way he LOOKS at Ji = hawt.

Frankly? Celebrity/doctor is a good pairing and this is a solid Thai BL. I hope we have a nice angsty reason for the break-up and we're not in another Promise situation. I like the sides too. Carry on, little show, I'm disposed to be pleased with you.

City of Stars (Fri iQIYI) eps 5-6 of 12 - I am enjoying it, actually. It’s incredibly silly. But I don’t really mind. STOP SINGING. 

1000 Years Old eps 3-4 of 12 - I love that these kids basically adopted a vampire pet. And one of them accidentally got a vampire boyfriend. This suddenly turned from a PNR into a family drama about domestic gays opening a food stall and I'm not mad about it. Nothing makes sense and I don't care because... rainbow umbrella!

A Secretly Love (Thai WeTV grey) eps 1 of 10 - I don’t love it. I make no bones about the fact that a pining uke rarely works for me, especially if he’s younger (cute supportive besties not withstanding), the power dynamic isn’t good. I always like Kimmon, he’s a stiff actor but v pretty. (I shallow af.) Still it’s time he started acting his age… literally. Having to watch ads again as well… for this? Ooof. I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Perfect Propose (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 6 fin - It was very cute. I liked that there was uke instigated kisses. However I have some reservations on this one, much as I enjoyed it.

Adapted from Mayo Tsurakame’s manga, production team included Tadaaki Horai (My Love Mix-Up!) and Takeshi Miyamoto (Old Fashion Cupcake). Essentially Perfect Propose was about finding hope in a person when all other hope is gone. This show focuses on apathy, and perforce is somewhat apathetic and un-engaging especially as the pacing was off (and with only 6 episodes? now) However, this is countered by great visuals, good archetypes, and a clean story of childhood sweethearts reuniting after loosing their way in life. I landed on 8/10 mostly for a demanding younger seme and some great kisses. 

Unknown (Taiwan Tues Youku YouTube) eps 2-3 of 11 - Oh it’s great. I love it. I’m still worried by how gritty and "Taiwanese short-esk" it feels, but wow does this hit all my favorite taboo tropes and buttons. I also adore the little found fam, they the cutest gay older bros ever. The younger one who wants so bad to grow up and take care of the older one and pushes himself because into self sacrifice that’s the only model of love he has. ARGH. BOYS. Why so much pain, just smooch already! Sheesh. It's on YouTube for some of us, here's the schedule.

AntiReset (Taiwan Fri Viki/Gaga) eps 6-7 of 10 - They remain questionably cute, and that is probably going to be my ultimate review of this show. Awe cameo! (Hi babies, hope the ghosts are leaving you alone.) The irony does not escape me that the person in the relationship with the most emotional acumen is, in fact, the robot and not the human. I'm sure that's meant to be deep.

Love is Better the Second Time Around AKA Koi wo Suru nara Nidome ga Joto (Japan Gaga) ep 1 of 6 - A tortured second chance romance featuring a reported and a successful celebrity(?) academic. The kid actors look nothing like their adult counterparts, but they do look much younger. So, okay. Ah the utter embarrassment of first love. Oh I like it a lot, so very messy Japanese emo. Sigh. Here we go again.

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Thurs Gaga) eps 8-9 of 10 - They are a cute couple. They both trying so hard and so confused and awkward and polite in trying to understand each other but TERRIBLE at communication. 

My Strawberry Film (Japan Thurs Gaga) eps 3-4 of 8 - I don’t know how I feel about this. But I do know it’s not my thing because it’s not BL. I’ll finish it because it’s short but… meh. 

It's done, ready to binge, but I have no time

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have any spare time. 2024 is crazy busy for me so far.

The Servant and the Young Master (Vietnam YouTube) - I will try when I have a window of time.

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) - A Burmese BL? @heretherebedork vouched for it, so I will watch eventually.

It's airing but...

Dead Friend Forever (Thai iQIYI) - finished it's run and I won't be watching it. It's horror with BL elements and the ending, well, let's just say that's a "no thank you" from me.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… no. I'm not watching this. I dislike this franchise.

Time the series (Tue Gaga/YT) 10 eps - dropped it at ep 4.

Takumi-kun (2023) movie version AKA Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa released on FOD 3/5/2024. The original project was a 6 ep series. Having seen all the previous iterations and read the (terrible) yaoi I admit to being intrigued. If anyone finds eng subbed please let me know with a link in comments or in a DM? For those intersted in this show, probably the world's first true BL franchise I chat all about it here.

Gossip

James Supamongkon has withdrawn from the series Love Upon A Time and the NetJames pair is no more. Net Siraphop will continue with the historical BL project alongside a new partner. Can I interest you in Tod Techit... almost as pretty, legs for days...

The Complete Chronology of the Assault Case Against GMMTV Actor Win Pawin

I'm merely directing your attention to these articles, I do not wish for discussion of this content on this blog. Please don't ask for further info, I don't know the answer, follow the link that's why it's there.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Still Coming

3/21 Two Worlds (Thai IQIYI) 10 eps - announced here. One of those "he's dead Jim so time travel" thingames staring MaxNat. I'm over them but Asia flipping loves this trope and I do adore MaxNat. Phupha (Gun) and Khram (Nat) love each other but Phupha is murdered. Then Khram is pulled to a parallel world where, 12 years ago, Khram and Tai (Max) were in love. However, Khram was killed by Thai’s dad. Now Tai finds alter-Khram apparently alive. But then there is ALSO an alter-Phupha (played by Gun Thanawat who is Khom the repressed butler bodyguard from Unforgotten Night).

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

How flipping adorable is this vampire with his big gay umbrella? SUCH A DORK and we got more vampire dorks coming.

Thailand has found its vampire line and it's awkward and geeky and quite cheerful. 'Bout what we expected, to be fair. It's a good look for them.

And vampires.

In other news...

That's your random moment of thirst, Lim Jimin shirtless AKA my Just B bias (I mean, I could talk about how good his extensions are and how I love a husky voice in Kpop but really, just LOOK at him). I'm very very very shallow, remember? Full vid is here.

Why am I mentioning Lim Jimin (aside from the obvious)? If Just B doesn't break soon, I could some of them transitioning to BL. Jimin in particular would be a win for us, obvs.

Also, can we talk about Bain (my bias wrecker) KILLING it on Build Up? I had no idea he was that good. Anygay, this has been your Kpop end note.

Seriously tho, is ANYONE else watching Build-Up?

(Last week - well, 2 weeks ago)

Streaming services are listed how I'm (usually watching) which is with a USA based IP

The tag bragade: @doorajar

If ya wanna be tagged each week leave a comment and I will. Easy peesy.

[abstractnaturaldisaster]

is it over now? (was it over then?)

part one

part two: if she's got blue eyes, i will surmise that you'll probably date her

Eddie had felt completely numb after leaving Steve's apartment. He wasn't really interested in doing anything with his band even though they definitely owed the studio a new album but Eddie wasn't feeling inspired after the abrupt departure of his most recent muse.

He didn't want to be that guy who wrote songs about his exes or aired dirty laundry in public through cryptic lyrics. It worked for other people but his band's vibe was a lot more fantasy and concept albumy and he couldn't quite find the energy to allegorize his current heartbreak. This is where the reality of the music industry really sucked because at some point their label didn't give a shit about Eddie's need to wallow and his manager could only negotiate so many extensions.

Thankfully, all previous qualms he had with writing about his ex and their breakup ended when he saw another fucking TMZ headline about Steve leaving a club with another model. This had to be the thirtieth person Steve had been tied to since their breakup. Eddie's best guess was that his pact with Robin to be each other's whatever to get the media off their back had ended.

Lyrics started flowing out of Eddie as he swiped out of twitter and into his notes app.

Your new girl is my clone And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs And my whispered sighs

Eddie knew it was probably a low blow to flaunt his escapades after he'd worked pretty hard to keep them under wraps. He didn't need the world to know he had pity sex with some random guy he picked up because he really got Eddie's last album. Eddie fucking hated how pretentious some fans were about his lyrics. Like sometimes a sword is just a sword, bestie. Anyways, an NDA and really shitty coffee later, Eddie pretended that mistake hadn't happened but was petty enough to make it clear to Steve that he wasn't the only one finding solace in someone else's bed.

He put together a rough melody on his acoustic and sent it over to his band to see what they thought. He wasn't sure if they'd be into it but it was fucking therapeutic to get the feelings out of his body that were festering there. Gareth was over the moon because he had been anti-Steve from the beginning and was super on board with some pretty boy actor directed snark. Ronnie, Jeff, and Freak were a little harder to bring around as they felt like they should at least sort of protect their darker brand but once Freak laid down a pretty sick base and Ronnie added some haunting piano it was undeniably a Corroded Coffin song. They packaged up a rough draft and sent it over to their producer to work his magic. Before Eddie knew it the song was approved for a sound on TikTok and Eddie and the band were thinking of video ideas to promote the single which would apparently be ready for streaming in the next month. Eddie wasn't quite ready to concede an entire angsty breakup album but it did at least feel good to get a start on producing what the studio was looking for.

Eddie sat back and scrolled through the sound on TikTok and thought about Steve's reaction to the sound or the single a perfectly healthy amount, thank you very much.

@lololol-1234 (it's not quite fixed yet but i hope you don't mind the tag)

part three

[eff4freddie]

After She Left | Five

Words: 6k

Preparations for Jackson's first ever prom are well underway, and even Ellie is helping out. As Jackson's only teacher it is, of course, your job to run the show and you'd be more than capable if one parent didn't keep distracting you.

Chapter warnings: Illusions to smut, slow burn, angsty memories of being a teenager, 'She' finally arrives. Minors DNI.

A/N: Ok, second act kicks off after this chapter. You'll get a glimpse of what that means now. Hope you enjoy!

Four | Series Masterlist | Six

Your dreams were changing. Used to waking with a chill, the echoes of loss and the face of your sister blurred in the grey clouds streaking across your dreamscape, you’d started to wake now with a warmth, a vein of light. You felt it on your skin like the first spring day out of a long, cold winter. You’d wake trying to grip its tail as it slipped from you.

The prom thing was your idea, and you only half regretted it. You’d had the idea when Isaiah had asked you what school for you was like, so fascinated by the before times, the kids trying hard to imagine classroom upon classroom filled with students all of the same age. You’d tried to explain that school wasn’t anything, really, that sometimes you didn’t even go because it was so boring, and they gawped at you, disbelieving. You felt a little sliver of shame at having wasted it, reminded yourself that was what you were supposed to do at age 14.

You’d mentioned prom, and there had been a ripple of interest throughout the room.

‘So, there was dancing? But it wasn’t the whole town, it was just you and your friends?’

‘Well, there were teachers and parents as chaperones, but…yeah, there were so many of us that it was just each grade. We got all dressed up, we had our picture taken, we had to choose dates.’

‘You went with a boy?’ Celina piped up from the front row, her nine-year-old face scandalised by the idea that you would willingly expose yourself to boy germs.

‘Yeah, well, some girls had boyfriends in their grade.’

‘Did you have a boyfriend?’ someone asked, the judgement almost silent, and you knew without looking that it was Ellie.

‘No, I didn’t. I had a crush on a boy, but it didn’t really…’

You remembered him, even now, an actual apocalypse not enough to erase the shame. You’d let your friends talk you into a promposal, standing in the bleachers as he ran track with an enormous sign that you’d spent far too many hours painting at your bestie’s kitchen table. It had heart-shaped glitter. You were especially proud of that detail.

You hadn’t realised that the entire track team would also see it, that you would need to specifically point him out in the crowd. Never had you imagined that he would dodge away from your finger, pretending to hide behind another boy, dodging your desire for him while his teammates laughed. It was enough to shrivel your heart into coal. You’re not sure you ever recovered.

You said none of that in your Jackson classroom. Instead, you focused on the decorations, that there was always a theme, that you heard the high school two towns over got Nelly Furtado to play live at theirs, but you weren’t convinced that was any more than an urban legend. They had no idea who Nelly Furtado was. You didn’t try to explain.

‘So can we have one?’ Mika asked, finally looking up from his comic book. You hadn’t thought he was paying attention.

‘A prom? Well, I’d have to talk to the town council.’

‘Tommy’s my uncle, I got an in,’ Ellie said, her face lighting up with the power of being connected, such nepotism so rare as the last vestiges of civilisation withered.

The kids grinned up at you, and you realised that maybe this was something they needed. Jackson already did Christmas, blew eggs, painted them with bees wax and dye from mashed beets and honey, and held a hunt on the first weekend of what the town council’s best guess was April. You could get the kids to decorate with paper flowers. It would be really cute to watch them decorate the mess hall, and there was probably some kind of educational value in it, too.

--

From his post, Joel watched Guillaume and Jonah, his new patrol partner, disappear into the treeline. He watched them, a little nugget of shame festering in the depths of his belly, but mostly – if he allowed himself to admit it – he was happy to have been moved to shifts on the wall. It meant he wasn’t back so late for Ellie, that he could be home to help with her homework or make her help him make dinner, and he didn’t feel so paranoid all the time when he could see the horizon. He didn’t mind the early starts, preferred the quiet up there, liked being able to turn and survey the town as much as the wilds outside it.

If he turned and leaned over a little, up on one foot on the top rung of the ladder, and leaned a little to the right he could make out the path heading up to the schoolhouse. When Billy asked him what he was doing, he explained he wanted to make sure his girl got to school OK. He generally, for the most part, broadly speaking, was referring to Ellie.

Tommy had been nice to enough not to give him shit for it, even after a bloody-nosed Guillaume took it upon himself to point out that Joel was a liability out there. Tommy had appeared on his doorstep the next morning, his brows crowding together, but Joel had spent most of the early morning on the wall, had imagined you lying in bed as he made sure to keep the nastiness away from you, and he was more ready than his little brother expected to hang up his boots.

‘M’getting older, Tommy, we talked about that,’ Joel reminded him, and Tommy nodded.

‘Still the best shot we got, and the best survivalist.’

‘Don’t mean I can’t advise if anyone asks it of me,’ he said. ‘S’not even that hard, just gotta keep your wits about ya.’ He thought for a long moment. ‘Maybe it’s gettin’ harder, now I think about it,’ he conceded.

‘Well, so long as you’re agreeable,’ Tommy said, shuffling awkwardly.

‘What would’ya have done if I wasn’t?’ Joel asked, a crooked grin forming on his face.

‘Would have taken you off patrol, but mighta felt a little bad about it,’ Tommy answered, earnest. Joel scoffed.

‘You’d pull rank, Town Councilman?’

‘Yes’sir, I would,’ Tommy said, no less earnest. Joel nodded at him.

‘Good,’ he affirmed, and saw the way Tommy expanded under the praise of his big brother. ‘You do what’s right for Jackson, always,’ Joel said, and Tommy agreed.

It was cold up there, though, the windchill on his face and his fingertips causing his whole body to tremor in his coat. It was Spring, but it was turning out to be a cold one, not a lot of warmth getting around the mountain. Joel shuffled his feet, trying to get the feeling back in his toes a little. He hadn’t brought his big coat, thinking the sun would be enough to keep him warm, but now that it was nearing the end of the day, the sun disappearing below the mountain ridge, he was counting every minute until he could clamber down and warm up.

He knew you’d be at his place already, working with Ellie at his kitchen table now that the heat had gone out of the day. He was going to try and make his beef stew tonight, had practically begged the kitchen staff to let him have a side of the meat. He hadn’t resorted to violence, but he would have.

He just wanted to thank you for everything you were doing for his daughter. Wanted to nourish your body the way you were nourishing her mind.

Billy called up to him from the bottom of the ladder. ‘Come on down, Joel, night shift’s here.’ Casting one last glance at the treeline, he vaulted down the ladder to rungs at a time.

--

You’d held a democratic process to determine the theme for the prom, but Ellie had dominated it anyway, either unfamiliar with, or just straight up unwilling to, compromise. As the day grew closer you gave up any pretence of tutoring her, working instead on cutting out yellow paper stars at Joel’s kitchen table.

‘Why does the moon change?’ Ellie asked, one day, and you’d paused for a second. You weren’t sure how bad FEDRA school was by the time she was in it, but that seemed fundamental.

‘Well, I mean, you know we’re a planet, right? That we’re like, a big round ball? Floating in the sky?’ Ellie levelled an impatient gaze at you, and you swallowed.

‘Do you think I’m an idiot?’ she asked, and you thought very hard and very fast.

‘I think you’re brilliant and FEDRA school is terrible,’ you said, diplomatically. She softened, her cheeks pinking up a little.

‘Can’t argue with you there,’ she said, quietly.

‘I mean, how much did they teach you about planets?’

‘Sweet fuck all,’ she said, plainly, and you wanted to tell her not to swear but she was in her own house, and it felt like the horse had bolted long ago in any case. ‘But I read about it as much as I can.’

‘The moon?’

‘All space… being that high up where nothing can, no-one up there who can…it’s just so cool. Were you alive when they landed on it?’

‘Ellie, that was the 60s,’ you complained, waiting for her to do the mental maths and wondering how old she thought you were, or if all adults were just ‘old’ to her, a kind of non-descript age in which you are both responsible for everything and also mere moments from shuffling off into death.

She stared at you blankly. ‘I wasn’t born for another like, twenty years,’ you said.

She nodded. ‘Oh.’

‘A lot of people didn’t even believe we really did land on the moon,’ you said. You picked up another piece of paper, your pile of stars nearly double the size of Ellie’s. She wasn’t being careful, her general distractedness was making her slow.

‘What? But wasn’t it on TV?’

‘Yes, it was, but they said it was faked.’ Her eyes blew wide at this, and you realised she was considering it. ‘Ellie, there’s no way it was faked. There are footprints up there that’ll be there forever.’

‘Guess we’ll never know, now,’ she said, quietly, and you suddenly wondered whether the space theme was such a good idea, after all, whether you were tormenting the kids with something they would never see, never have even the smallest chance to explore.’

‘Ellie…’ you said, but she wasn’t looking at you anymore, concentrating hard on her paper star.

‘It’s ok, it’ll be fun to pretend for the night,’ she said. ‘There’s a lot of pretending, won’t be too hard.’

You wanted to ask her what she meant, who she thought was pretending, but you heard heavy footsteps on the front porch and knew Joel was home. You felt your cheeks flush, your hands picking up a little tremble that make it hard to grip your scissors.

‘Hello, ladies,’ Joel said, and when you looked up, he was grinning at you both from the doorway, his hands criss-crossed over his chest as he leant on the frame. It was a domestic enough moment that you had to fight the impulse to go over to him and welcome him properly, into your arms. Ellie barely acknowledged him, because she was 14.

‘What are we making?’ he asked, picking up one of Ellie’s ‘stars’ and genuinely requiring clarification. You winced a little at it. Perhaps it could go towards the back.

‘Prom decorations,’ Ellie said, and she still seemed a little down. You watched her, carefully, trying to determine if she’d already lit her fuse.  

‘Oh, I won’t interrupt,’ Joel said, raising his hands, feeling something in the air. ‘You stayin’ to eat, Teach?’ he asked, and he hoped his voice didn’t make him sound too eager, didn’t give him away.

‘I don’t want to be a bother,’ you said, just like you always did.

‘Oh my God!’ Ellie sighed, throwing her star down in front of her and pushing her chair back. ‘Just say yes, you always end up staying anyway.’

‘Ellie!’ Joel barked at her, and she huffed, her shoulders so high they nearly touched her ears.

‘It’s true, you guys do all this polite bullshit and for what? Just say what you want and then you can get it. It’s not so hard.’

You looked over at Joel, who was staring at his likely hormonal teenager with a perplexed look on his face. You took a second to gather yourself.

‘I would love to stay for dinner, Joel, but one of these days I want you to let me cook for you both.’

Joel paused, considering this. Eyes still on Ellie, who was still quietly fuming, he nodded his head, once. ‘I would like that, Teach,’ he said, his careful tone that of every bewildered teenage-girl-Dad the world over. ‘Ellie, I want you to go wash up before dinner, then I want you to peel the carrots.’

She stood up, stomping to the washroom. You concentrated hard on the paper in your hands, hoping it was enough to stifle your smile.

‘I want to know what the fuck that was about,’ Joel said to you, but smiling.

‘I want to remind you there’s nothing worse than being a teenage girl,’ you replied.

--

You stood, wobbling on the end of a step ladder, hanging up the stars. Tommy found some string lights and put them up around the mess hall, and Johnny and his assembly of post-apocalyptic musicians set up in the corner. You and Tommy had already pushed all the tables back against the wall to make a dance floor. As you worked, he regaled you with his favourite memories of his own prom, most of which seemed to involve trying to get up the skirt of someone called Tammy Schmidt. She’d never let him anywhere near her, and you told Tommy to his face she was right to do it.

‘You would have been Tommy and Tammy,’ you said, and he started to giggle. Actually giggle.

‘That was the appeal!’ he said, sheepish. ‘I figured it sounded like those made-up celebrity names.’

‘Brangelina,’ you said, and he grinned.

‘Tomammy,’ he replied, and you rolled your eyes.

After everything was set up you went home to get dressed, pulling out a little black number foraged from the bottom of Maria’s wardrobe. She had complained she was never going to get back into it, and you had waved her off. It made you feel silly and out of place and pretty and ridiculous, and you liked the way it swished when you walked. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d swished anywhere. It felt so normal you weren’t sure you could trust it.

When you arrived back at the mess hall the lights had been dimmed, and Johnny and his band were starting to warm up. With the lights down and the paper streamers and stars you could forget for a moment it wasn’t a normal prom, a real one. You felt a surge of pride in your belly, looked around at the tangible good.

You heard the doors to the mess hall swing open, followed by shrieks and laughter and multiple sets of rapidly advancing feet.

‘Oh my god it’s so amazing!’ Mika said, his face illuminated by the warm glow of the string lights, of the smile stretching his cheeks.

‘This is cool,’ Dina said, quietly, up the back, and you grinned. Something in you, some teenage part of you, was quietly relieved.

More kids arrived, some trailed by their parents, and you busied yourself setting up the orange juice and cola station. The kitchen had done little sandwiches and finger food and you wanted to make sure the kids ate, worried you’d send them home on empty stomachs and sugar pinging through their veins. That their parents would never forgive you, and that they would be right.

As soon as the band started up you stepped back, letting the kids swarm the plates and start to dance. You wanted to join them but you also felt a pull back to the edge of the room, kept thinking you were seeing snatches of your sister in the half-light, of you as a girl. You weren’t sure what the feeling was, some kind of melancholic nostalgia, some kind of longing for something that didn’t make sense to you. You’d never even liked prom that much, had mostly just gone because everyone else was. But it was different seeing one from the other side: from the other side of adolescences, from the other side of the end of the world. It felt precious and sad and joyful, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to turn away from it or bottle it up and store it safe under the bed.

You kept wondering if this was what your 14-year-old self ever envisioned for herself, if she could have envisioned anything so apocalyptic at all.

The doors swung open again, and you exhaled the breath you didn’t realise you were holding when Ellie strode in, almost skipping, her face titled up to the ceiling to see all her decorations hanging in the rafters. ‘Holy shit!’ you heard her exclaim, and you cringed a little, trying to avoid the eyes of the parents. You would have to speak to her about that, eventually.

You turned to pour yourself a juice, the acid tingling at the back of your teeth, before you heard heavy footsteps behind you, even over the thrum of the music and of Ellie grabbing Mika and swinging him around the dancefloor.

‘Hey, Teach,’ Joel said, his baritone rumbling out from his chest. You suppressed a shiver.

‘Joel,’ you turned to him, allowing the surprise to show on your face. ‘What are you doing here?’ You were ignoring that he was standing in black suit pants and a white shirt, unbuttoned at the neck, maybe a size too big, you couldn’t be sure. He’d done his hair, or had made an attempt at it, maybe running water through it and in the humidity of the room it had started to curl. You were alarmed at how distinctly you wanted to lean forward and sink your teeth into his neck, to lave at the skin there, to feel his pulse with your tongue.

You swallowed, the juice catching in your throat and making you splutter. Suddenly Joel was beside you, an enormous warm hand between your shoulder blades as you fought, doubled over, for breath.

‘Easy, easy,’ he was saying, and you wanted to slam your eyes shut and imagine him whispering exactly that as he slid inside you, as he rocked into you and felt your cunt quiver around his length. Jesus Christ, you were going to spontaneously combust.

‘Sorry, went down the wrong hole,’ you said, fluttering your hand in front of your face in the hope it would ward him off somewhat. As you straightened, he let his hand slide down your spine and away just as he reached the small of your back, and you felt your spine arch towards where his touch had been.

Fucks sake, you needed to get it together. You were like some horny teenager at, well, prom.

‘Tommy had something he needed to do at home, something with the baby.’

‘Is he OK? Is Maria Ok?’

‘Yeah, they’re fine, the baby just has a sniffle and I believe Maria’s exact words were “you’re not going out there to watch teenagers marinate in their hormones while I sit at home being snotted on by your crotch fruit”.’

You gaped at him. ‘Maria did not say crotch fruit.’

‘Might have put my spin on that bit,’ Joel said, grinning.

For his part, Joel was watching your eyes so that he wouldn’t look down at your dress, a little black flitty number that came up to your knees and down close enough on your chest that when you leant over trying to get your breath he had to move away to resist the urge to stare at the swell of your breasts, instead coming to stand beside you and placing his hand on your back just to try and keep himself standing. You were so fuckin’ pretty, done your hair all up nice. He wanted to swivel you around, tuck you into his chest and nibble on the nape of your neck, put his nose in your hair and inhale as he flipped that silly little skirt over your rear, letting one hand wonder over your cheeks as he slid further down, cupping and probing, into the slick between your legs.

Christ on a cracker, he needed to get it together. He was behaving like Tommy at, well, prom.

‘Place looks great,’ he said, his voice slightly strangled. You gazed up at him, taking a second to comprehend his words.

‘Thanks, Ellie did amazing work with the stars,’ you said, and you knew he knew you were lying, and you also knew he was a good enough Dad that he was going to let you get away with it.

‘She certainly has her own style,’ Joel replied, eyeing one particularly wonky cutout you had strategically placed in a dark corner.

You turned to watch the kids dance, Ellie’s hair bouncing around her face as she twisted her hips, holding Mika’s hand as she did.

‘She’s really gravitated towards him,’ you commented, and you looked over at Joel just in time to see a cloud pass over his face.

‘He probably reminds her of…’ he said, but then he trailed off, recalibrated. ‘He’s a sweet kid, so it makes sense,’ he finished.

‘Oh, speaking of sweet, Billy loves having you on the wall,’ you said, smiling at him and watching him blush.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, and you swore you could see genuine anxiety on his face.

‘Big Bad Joel Miller helping out? Billy getting to tell you what to do? He’s like a pig in shit.’

Joel could feel the heat on his cheeks and was powerless to stop it. ‘Big Bad Joel Miller,’ he echoed, feeling the words on his tongue, seeing how they tasted. ‘Not sure about that.’

‘You must know there are stories,’ you said, leaning into him a little, goading him a little, wanting to see if you could get him to crack and tell you something about himself.

‘Don’t pay any of that much mind,’ he said. ‘Don’t reckon any of ‘em are close to the truth.’

‘Well, no they can’t be,’ you agreed, quickly, feeling like the conversation was slipping from you and not really knowing why.

‘Not sure there are words for some of the shit I’ve…seen,’ he said, and he saw the shift in your face, the shock before you covered it, and he knew that he’d scared you a little, but there were things he didn’t want to talk about, shit that he’d had to do to get Ellie here, to get her to be able to forget the cost of it all. Big Bad Joel Miller. No one had any fucking clue.

He looked over at you, at the way you had sunk into yourself, and he cursed himself. You were too sweet, too warm, and he’d gone and thrown a wet rag on your fire. If you knew about him you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him. He took a step back, too. You’d made him forget for a second, that he was no good to anyone. Especially not to someone like you.

You were lost in your thoughts, watching the kids again but not really seeing. It wasn’t even what Joel had said, although you felt the way he was pushing you away, and you went willingly. It was that as he spoke you realised, finally realised, what the feeling was that had been pulling at you all night.

You were fucking lonely. 14-year-old you might have been OK with the QZ stuff, with what you had to do to survive, with keeping your sister alive along as you could, with making sure her death meant something, even just until they cleared her body away. 14-year-old you might have even been OK with the teaching, although that would take some convincing. But the fact that you were alone, that you were nearing 40 and hadn’t ever really loved anyone other than your family, hadn’t ever really had anyone love you. OK, so you hadn’t married Jonathan Taylor Thomas, in the circumstances maybe for that you got a pass. But that you weren’t with anyone, that you had wanted love for yourself and never got it, that you had wanted to belong in that most specific way and you hadn’t, hadn’t ever really come home. 14-year-old you was screaming and howling and gnashing her teeth. You’d failed her, failed the both of you.

You were horrified to feel a tightness across your throat, the heat building behind your eyes. You needed to get away from all these people, needed to go and pity yourself in peace.

‘I just need some air,’ you said, barely above a whisper, pushing past Joel with your face turned away lest he see your eyes growing redder and wetter by the second.

‘Teach…’ he called after you, but you were gone, heading straight to the door, not seeing Ellie turn to follow Joel’s voice, to see you making a break for it, turning back to him with her hands in the air.

Joel felt his stomach drop, staring back at Ellie with panic written all over his face.

‘What did you do?’ she mouthed to him, and he shrugged, helpless. He’d pushed you away, had shut you down, had been rude and cruel and cold. But he had no idea how to mouth that to his teenage daughter across a dance floor. ‘GO AFTER HER’ Ellie whisper-screamed at him, and it jolted him, got his feet moving before he’d even given it another thought.

You were standing under the awning a couple of paces from the door, leaning on the railing and sucking in the chill of the air. You realised when you heard the door swing open that you’d cornered yourself, cursed yourself for getting all your years in the QZ.

‘Teach,’ he said, and you hung your head. ‘M’sorry, I didn’t mean to…’

‘Wasn’t you, wasn’t that, I just…I needed to breathe for a second.’

Joel paused, watching the way your shoulders rose and fell, sharp and insistent, as you gathered yourself.

He took a step forward towards you, saw the way you flinched and turned away, and stopped, deciding instead to sit on the steps, giving you space but not too much, distance but enough that he could reach out for you if you wanted him to.

‘I did a lot of things to get here,’ he said, after a while. The hair stood up on the back of your neck. ‘I ain’t ashamed of ‘em, I’d do ‘em all again to keep her safe, you understand?’ he asked, and you nodded, still with your back half-turned. ‘Never regretted getting her here, both of us, to safety and to family.’ You nodded again. You knew all of this, had lived all of this, but you didn’t stop him, couldn’t turn to look at him, just let him talk because you couldn’t think of a single thing to say. ‘What bothers me, Teach, is that Big Bad Joel Miller might be too old to do ‘em again.’

You felt a pull towards him, turned your body to peer at his face. He was staring down main street, avoiding looking at you, too.

‘What if I can’t keep her safe?’ he asked, almost to himself. You swallowed, moving towards him, sucked into his gravitational pull. As you sank down beside him on the step, he shuffled to make room for you, but you didn’t want distance, leaning further over so that your shoulders touched. He was so warm even in the chill of the night. You wanted him to take your hands and blow warm breath onto them, smile and put them on his chest to warm them even though the cold of your skin stung him.

‘She’s so capable, Joel,’ you said. ‘You did that. She’ll keep herself safe, soon.’

‘She’s just a kid,’ Joel said, but he wasn’t attacking, just stating a fact.

‘I wasn’t much older on outbreak day,’ you said, simply.

‘Lotsa girls her age weren’t so lucky,’ he replied, quiet.

Blood smattered all over a pink and purple tee-shirt. Curls caked in blood and mud. He swallowed.

‘I know that,’ you said, after a while. Joel watched your face. He saw that it was true, that you knew.

‘S’what was it, if it wasn’t me being so rude to ya?’ he asked, after a long silence that would have made his bones itch if he’d been sharing it with anyone else but you. You shied away a little, and he watched as you started to recede. ‘Hey,’ he said, reprising the conversation from the night at the kitchen table. ‘I want you to tell me what’s up,’ he said, and you smiled, faintly, recognising what he was doing.

‘Prom, I guess. Memories. I don’t know.’ You paused, tried to form the words. ‘It’s all about promise, isn’t it, being a kid and being in high school and doing all of these…rites of passages. There’s an assumption about how things will go. We all make ‘em, made ‘em. Guess it’s hard when they didn’t come true.’

Joel nodded. He wanted to pull you into his lap and rock you, gentle and soft in the night, feel your warm breath on his neck as you pushed your fingertips through the buttonholes of his shirt.

‘Most of the time I’m OK,’ you went on, trying to repair it, slink back under your shell, your slimy snail body suddenly exposed to the elements.

‘Everyone’s OK til they ain’t.’ Joel said. He turned to look at you, swivelled his body to yours so that your knees rested against his. His eyes were so deep and dark in the streetlights, his brows saddled as he petitioned you. ‘I don’t mind it, Teach. You can be all of it with me.’

You felt your heart gallop in your chest, heat suddenly in your belly.

‘So can you, Big Bad Joel Miller,’ you told him, smiling but earnest, wanting him to believe it was true. ‘I’ll take whatever you got,’ you said.

There was a moment, Joel knew, when he could pull back from it. That this was that moment, when he could turn away from you, could crack a joke or make some excuse to head back inside. Could get up and bolt for the gate, swing it open and face whatever demons were out in the darkness so as not to have to face his own. He knew this was the moment of no return, for him.

He looked down at your lips, painted red for prom and so soft, so plump. Your skin soft and glowing so gently in the light. How many more times was he going to have to resist you by porchlight? How many times could he?

‘Joel…’ you whispered, edging yourself closer to him, leaning in without even really thinking about it, watching him mirror you and Joel knew the moment had passed, that your little whimper of his name was branded on his chest, that he would parade it around town for you, would bare it to anyone who wanted to lay their claim.

Your hair was soft, so soft, in his palms as he pulled you into him, his lips crashing into yours, your mouth opening to welcome him, tongue dancing across his. He groaned, from deep down in his belly, for the want of it, for the way his tummy flipped at his first taste of you.

You were pretty sure you were dead. It was the only explanation. But if this was heaven then so fucking be it, because Joel was cupping your face in his hands, and his kiss was insistent and gentle and he was guiding you through it, teasing you open as you felt the hinge of your jaw creak under the pressure of your want for him. You weren’t sure you were breathing. You weren’t sure you cared.

He was pulling you closer, wrapping his arms around your back and pulling you into him, the weird angle meaning both sets of knees were in the way. You considered vaulting over the top of him, riding him on the steps of the mess hall while a bunch of teenagers supposedly under your charge danced under paper stars, but you had the wherewithal to hold back, to pry yourself from him, to lean your forehead on his and catch your breath.

Granted, you didn’t have a lot of experience. But you’d never had a kiss that felt like that.

‘Teach,’ Joel said, so quiet and just for you, and you could hear that he was out of breath, that his chest was heaving, that he was fighting it back just as hard as you. He lifted his head and gazed at you, the look of naked desire on his face such that you wanted it to be photographed, painted, hung in a gallery and studied by future generations.

Then, alarms. And yes, you thought, that felt about right. Everything had just shifted off its axis, after all, it made sense that the universe was now screaming.

Except it sounded weirdly familiar. Kind of like the one that you pulled when there was a problem at the gate.

You turned your head down main street as you saw the flood lights come on. You were up, Joel just behind you, as you and your little swishy dress headed towards it, front doors ripping open around you, men and women pulling on jackets over their pyjamas, arming themselves for war.

‘State your business!’ you heard Billy yell from the top of the gate, his rifle trained at a hard angle just beneath him. Jesus, they were close, you realised. Nearly right up on the iron.

You couldn’t hear the reply, vaulting up the ladder without thinking, without a weapon, leaving Joel to defend the gate.

‘State your business!’ Billy called again, and you came up beside him, peeping over the edge to report back on what you could see. There were three of them, that you could see from here. You scanned the treeline, the floodlights turning the trees into fingers scratching harsh at the night sky.

‘Where they come from, Billy?’ you asked, and he gestured with his head over to the right. You picked up the binoculars and scanned.

‘Can’t see any others,’ you reported back, going to the other side and holding up three fingers to the crowd.

‘We’re just passing through,’ the man called back, ‘saw your lights and thought…we’re injured.’

‘Injured how?’ Billy called. You could hear murmuring beneath you, a plan being hatched.

‘One of us is a woman. We were ambushed. They took everything we have, nearly took her but she got away.’

You peered down over the gate, could see that a woman was indeed holding her arm in a sling, her face pale. She was wavering, like she was ready to collapse.

You heard footsteps on the ladder, felt it sway the wall as Tommy appeared beside you.

‘Whatdya reckon?’ he asked you, his eyes focussed but his breath coming in short and fast.

‘They’re telling the truth so far,’ you said, ‘best I can tell.’

You stepped out of the way, Tommy taking your place at the wall while Billy stayed fixed, his gun unwavering from the strangers.

You heard a gasp, a kind of choking shock. ‘No fucking way,’ Tommy said, and you peered over his shoulder again, trying to figure out what he could see. ‘Shauna?’ he called down, the woman’s face snapping up to him, a shaky hand covering her eyes to make him out.

‘Tommy?’ she asked, as though she was dead and found herself at the gates of heaven, surprisingly less gilded than expected. You swallowed, saw Billy’s hold on the gun waver.

‘Open the gates!’ Tommy called, before turning back to the strangers. ‘Hands up and come forward slowly, I’ll meet you there.’

‘Who is that, Tommy?’ you asked him, grabbing at him as he made to hurry past.

‘It’s Shauna,’ he said, his face pale and disbelieving. ‘Where’s Joel?’

‘Who the fuck is Shauna?’ you asked, every nerve ending screaming.

‘She’s Sarah’s mom,’ he said, before he disappeared down the ladder, calling for Joel as he went.

‘Who the fuck is Sarah?’ Billy said to you, his gun lowered but eyeballing the group all the same.

You had no idea.

Taglist (let me know if you want to be on it)

@harriedandharassed

@vickie5446

@kaseyconnour

@orcasoul

@missladym1981

@spacesoutdaydreamer

@tangled-tumbler-blog-blog

@fancyyoouu

@anoverwhelmingdin

[davidlcki]

BESTIE BEGGING ON MY KNEES we need more david loki x reader out here 😭😭 maybe some angst/comfort?? ILY

jealousy

i got two pretty similar requests so i kinda combined these into one! anywho i fucking LIVE for angst, so i had fun writing this! it’s not as angsty as some of the stuff i’ve written, but i hope this lives up to yalls expectations 🙏

pairing: detective david loki x reader

warnings: cussing, arguing, jealousy, drinking, david gets slapped. implied female reader, though it can be read as gn! i think that’s it 😁

summary: david is jealous of a new hire that’s been flirting with you at the precinct.

words: 1,313

“i’m just saying i don’t like you being all buddy buddy with him.” david’s words shot anger through your veins. he was talking about one of the new hires that you were tasked with showing around the precinct. you were only the receptionist, meaning you had the most spare time to show someone the ropes. you could tell the guy liked you, making a few jokes and letting his eyes linger on you a little longer than they should. this didn’t bother you a bit. you were so smitten with david that no other person would be able to tinge it in even the slightest, so you let it slide and continued on showing him around. in hindsight, you knew this argument was going to happen. you noticed the way david’s jaw clenched as you spoke to the other man, eyes boring holes into the back of his head from his desk, surely imagining a hundred ways to kill him.

“david. i was asked by o’malley to show him the ropes. what am i supposed to do? say no and lose my job?” david shakes his head at your words, sighing heavily.

“no. but you two seemed awful friendly.” his eyes snap over to yours from his place at the counter, a glass of whiskey in his hands.

“there’s nothing behind that. i treat him just like any other coworker. you need to get over this jealousy thing, D. don’t you trust me?” you shoot him a glare, annoyed that he was so untrusting of you. you watch as he downs the rest of his whiskey, slamming the glass down a little harder than he should have. he shakes his head in annoyance.

“he was flirting with you.”

“so what? i love you and only you. i’m not going to let some new hire’s shitty flirting change that.”

“you do this on purpose to mess with me, don’t you?” he scoffs, the slightest slur to his words. this is when you realized he was more drunk than you thought.

“jesus. you’re drunk. i’m not doing this with you while you’re fucking drunk.” you turn on your heel, walking from the kitchen. you were hurt. you knew he was the jealous type, but not like this. you hadn’t done more than show the new hire around and share maybe two laughs, but that was enough to send him over the edge. just as you stepped out of the living room and your feet make contact with the soft carpet from your living room, he spoke again.

“do you not love me anymore? that it?” this for you, was your breaking point. you weren’t thinking anymore as you turned and stormed back into the kitchen, getting face to face with loki who stood from his seat as you came over.

“how dare you?” your voice had a shake to it as you point a finger into his chest. “i would take a fucking bullet for you. god, your insecurities are taking over this relationship david! why cant you trust me like i trust you? half the women in the precinct drool over you every day. but see, i TRUST you. why not talk to me instead of drowning your feelings in fucking liquor first?” by the time you finished speaking you realized tears were coming down your cheeks in thick streams. you could tell what you had said got to david deep down, but you also knew how he was after a few drinks. stubborn as all hell. a few beats of silence pass before his brows furrow, eyes hardening ever so slightly, only something you could notice. you grit your teeth, knowing some bullshit was about to leave his lips.

“you gonna leave me over this now so you can go be with that new hire? what’s his fuckin’ name, john? jake? j-” you cut david’s sentence short with a harsh slap to the face. you knew it was wrong, but you were so hot with anger that any rational thought had been thrown out the window. his head snapped to the side, and for a while he stayed that way, pressing his lips into a flat line as he processed what had just happened, surely getting more sober by the minute. you weren’t the type of person to resort to hitting in situations like this, and your actions shocked the both of you. finally, he turned his head back to look at you, eyes widened ever so slightly. your bottom lip quivered, a threat of more tears to come, and you turned to walk towards your front door before he could say much more. you slipped your shoes on, not taking the time to put on a coat even though snow fell lightly from the dark sky. you didn’t know where you were going, but your feet had carried you through winding sidewalks through the little neighborhoods of conyers for at least a few hours. when you were sure you’d get sick from the cold and lack of a coat, you hesitantly came back home.

you pushed your front door open, and david was sitting on the couch, tv off. his head snapped to you instantly, his eyebrows knotted in worry. clearly he’s had time to sober up and reflect. you hardly make eye contact with him, deciding to head to the shower, hoping it would wash all your feelings away. you ignore as he calls your name out, soon drowning any other sound out with the sound of running water from the shower head. you stepped in so hastily you nearly forgot to pull your socks off. for a while you stood under the stream of hot water with your eyes closed, simply daydreaming. you were only snapped out of it by the sound of the bathroom door opening.

“david. just leave me alone.” you sigh. after a few moments of silence, you speak again.

“helloo? are you trying to be mysterious or something?” suddenly, david pulled the shower curtain back, not hesitating to step into the shower with you. he was still fully clothed.

“hey!!!” you shout, staring at him wide eyed, though a smile was tugging at your lips at the insanity of it all. “D, you’re still in your clothes!” he only looked at you, a solemn expression on his face.

“i’m sorry.” as he spoke, water from the shower dripped down his face, strands of hair falling out of their usual perfect place. you sigh, running a hand down your face and looking back up at him.

“i just don’t want to lose you. i’m scared.” you could hardly here these words from him as he spoke them so quietly, you nearly had to resort to reading his lips.

“i know. i know. i just wish we could talk about these things before you drink.” your eyes scan his face which remained knotted with worry. you noticed a red mark still remained where you had hit him. you look away for a few beats of silence. “i’m sorry for hitting you. i should have never done that.”

“i deserved it.”

a snort escapes you as you look back at him. “maybe just a little. but it was wrong. so i’m sorry.”

a small smile twitches at the corner of his lips. “i forgive you.” his touch was gentle as he pulled you into his embrace. you wrap your arms around his clothed frame, resting your head against his shoulder and sighing deeply, this time with relief.

“did you really have to get in the shower with your clothes though?”

“i thought it would be good for dramatic effect.” you pull away, looking at david who was smiling much wider at his seemingly great idea to get into the shower fully clothed. you shake your head, pressing your lips against his for a few moments.

“you’re an idiot, loki.”

[speakofthedebbie]

by popular demand (re: one person) some radioapple fic recs!! (i hope thats what you meant lol most of the fics i read are just radioapple)

Bedtime Rituals to Try out Before the Next Angelic War by @miribalis

just yes. thousand times yes. so basically my boy luci has some sleep troubles and that somehow leads to a qpr with al look its been a while ok just read it

Managerial Liberties by the same fella

these two tags explain it pretty well

something that sticks out to me about this is that charlie is actually (reasonably) cold to adam and like. im actually surprised with how little ive seen that. i mean i dont think id be exactly buddy-buddy with my besties killer either. only 3 chaps as of writing but already looking to be a radioapple classic

im not sure if its meant to be read as such but it kinda feels like a squeal to bedtime rituals in a way (edit: not meant to be read as such, just the same vibe)

devils don't fly (don't expect me not to fall) by @corgiss

also just yes. basically a really not cool joke evolves into a blossoming romance because why wouldnt it. (man if i had a nickel for every radioapple fic that had a masquerade that was sabotaged by the vees- *gets shot bc i cant mention osas yet*)

i’ll hold you close (i’ll stay the course) by the same fella

the entire time i was just going "yas king! put that egotistical flatscreen in his place!!". basically luci reminds the overlords who he is and vox shows he can be more of a threat than he lets on.

ykw fuck it just the entire series (i didnt mention i would give anything to not give a shit (but i do) and my perfect rock bottom (my beautiful trauma) because the first one sounded a lil too angsty and ive gotten enough of that from other sources [pointedly glares at Quietly, It Slips Through Your Fingers, Love {also coming up later!}] and the second is (mostly) smut and ive been trying to step back from that because "ive seen worse" isnt a valid excuse for that torture actually)

Of Saints and Sinners by the forever amazing @morningstarwrites!! (if you see this i have a serious question: is this your first time ever writing a fic? because how do you get so much right the first time- [not even beginners luck could explain this level of skill])

i could sing its praises until my death bed but ill hold off so i can explain whats happening. basically after burning down a meeting room several times, luci and al make a deal ("not a deal!", luci laments to the void): they will attempt to be civil and maybe even friendly, and by the end luci will owe al a favour. whats the favour? read it yourself dammit! seriously, 10/10, i am foaming at the mouth till friday (depending on how this goes, that might be tomorrow or today)

Quietly, It Slips Through Your Fingers, Love by Starlit_Rainfall (no tumblr in sight, so AO3) (i. urgfgh. what happened. i was just smiling over the fluff while crossing to go to school. where did it go. where did it gooooo)

if thats anything to go by, the last few chapters have been rough. the fluff feels so far away that i cant even explain what happens. luci was waxing poetic about swimming in maple syrup for al, i remember that much. also emily is there (fallen) tho we havent seen her in a sec. if you read it, warning for the gut punch of angst that starts chap 32 "She/Her" (though the chapter before that, "Should Alastor Know By Now?" ends pretty rough too)

Freely We Serve by @romanaxe

i dont remember how i managed to stumble upon this but im having a great time. basically alastor is a new sinner fresh in hell (but time doesnt matter and the whole cast is still here) and thinks "what better way to gain power than be the personal assistant of the heartbroken king of hell!" features a 6(?) year old charlie and a morally dubious lilith (also i loved eepy al X3)

A Family Forged in Hellfire by Green_Ghostwriter (once again, no Tumblr, so AO3)

this ones a bit newer (10 chaps), is so far mostly exposition and the slowburn pot hasnt even been put on the stove, but as just a hazbin fic in general i see the potential. basically its a 1920s au where heaven decides little charlie doesnt deserve to be raised in hell and is sent to earth with a "foster" family where her actions in life will determine witch realm she will return to after death. her "parents", al and minzy, are given false memories so they can claim the girl as their own and gee i wasnt kidding when i said it was a lot of exposition. erm honestly explaining anymore would tech be spoiling so go read it!

The Red Thread That Binds Us by @scun-gilli

{{future me prefacing this by saying i have no idea where i was going with yesterdays thought process, all you need to know from it was im on chapter 27. also scungilli your comment is making me very worried 😟 well theres no mcd tag so im sure itll fine, right? RIGHT, SCUNGILLI??}}

basically its a king x kings guard au where al and luci grow up together and only grow closer after a. certain life event for al (its fine guys trust :)) [she said, like a liar]) then al is sent of for royal guard training school (ik its not called that i forgor 😭) but dw he comes back. just watch out for graphic depictions of injuries (i think thats this fic) angst and a sneaky eve bc radioapple fics are allergic to happiness (or maybe im not looking hard enough lol) (also im really tempted to make the friendship bracelets they had 👀)

somewhere down the line by kj_crwm (AO3 link)

this one starts off as human!alastor/lucifer but by the middle(?) its just regular radioapple. basically al is encountered by luci while finishing off a job who agrees to keep quiet. luci just keeps on showing up, reveals hes the devil to which al us just like "lol ok" and eventually they get in a relationship (ooh lala 👀) but they break up after saying some hurtful things to each other (oh nono 👀) with luci promising al they will never cross paths again. if you watched the show then well. you know that doesnt happen 😂 most human!al radioapple have al summon him (no hate to them) so this was an interesting change of pace

cannot stress it enough but this is a WORKING list i WILL be coming back to it bc these are purely the fics i could think if off the top of my head. IN FACT, if any of you have radioapple fics you love, SEND THEM THE FUCK IN! i am one person whos only been in this fandom for 4 months, and reading fics/shipping radioapple even less, theres bound to be some ones i missed that you think are Worthy™️! and if theyre nsfw then at the very least it shouldnt be the main focus

EDIT: so sorry anyone who reblogged this before had to see the disgusting unedited version. literally just found out that tumblr doesnt apply edits to reblogs. what the fuck

[askinkiskarma]

𝕄𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕚𝕟 𝕄𝕖 | ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕀𝕀: 𝕀 𝔸𝕞 𝕃𝕠𝕤𝕥, 𝔹𝕦𝕥 ℕ𝕠𝕥 𝕀𝕟 𝕐𝕠𝕦

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: in order to fulfil your revenge plans on Neteyam, you have to give up a lot of your life, including a future with a man who loves you dearly.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, angst (@lanasblood trying to be better about this), smut (fingering, orgasm denial), strong language, neteyam and reader being horrible to each other lol

wc: 6.5k words

a/n: things are starting to get spicy besties 😌 i have to admit, although i am a lot more comfortable with friends-to-lovers, or more angsty tropes, i adore writing the sexual tension that comes with e2l and i hope i did it justice and you enjoy this chapter. i can't wait to hear your thoughts, bbs and thank you again for all the love and support on this series xx (thank you very much also to @cinetrix for her amazing Neteyam art ily bestie x)

this is only half proof-read, so if you see any mistakes no you don't

na'vi compendium: yawne - beloved, Tsakarem - Tsa'hik in training, tìlor - beauty, txepvi  - spark

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

In a perfect world, I'd kill to love you the loudest But all I do is live to hurt you soundless Say you see I'm lying, babe, and let this go I can never promise you tomorrow

The departing footsteps echoed through the forest as O'ì'en left you all alone, with a broken heart and the man that broke it, and the feeling left you empty, the hurt of what transpired, of what he did, what you did, how with each passing blow to each other’s lives, this was no longer just a petty rivalry but felt like so much more, like too much more. You threatened him, you spit all sorts of petty warnings about hell and burning - and in the heat of the moment, that sounded cool, and doable. Not anymore, as you stood motionless in the clearing and realised that Neteyam still had so much power over you, that his grasp on your life and on your heart was so tight, tighter than anyone else’s, tight enough to bruise and crush it with a tug of his fisted fingers. You removed yourself from his grasp like his touch burned you, which it felt like it did, and put distance in between your bodies, so that you could see him, so that you could clear your mind, so that his presence wouldn’t have the effect on you it always did, that you were sure was just your body recoiling in hatred, that always manifested itself in goosebumps and shivers down your spine. 

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” The tears stung as you willed them back into your tear ducts. It’s been 7 years since Neteyam has seen you cry, and you’ll be damned if that would ever change, and especially right now, as you watched the smirk grow with every departing step, with every erratic blink of your eyes, as you tried to stop them from falling down your face, as he knew he got to you, that he made you pay for the words you uttered to him before. 

“Oh, yawne. One day you’ll learn to not punch above your weight, and I guess since no one else is willing to, it falls onto me to teach you.” He walks slow, purposeful steps as he nears you once more, and his eyes boring into you, filled with intensity and a feeling you couldn’t quite place, that didn’t quite match the arrogance staining his lips like poison, stilled you in your spot, until he was so close, you could feel his warm breath and musky scent, until your heart boomed painfully in your chest, echoing loudly in your ears, marginally drowning out his next words. 

“Did you really think you could threaten me and everything I’ve worked for, my relationship and the rest of my life, without any repercussions, huh? Did you really think I would go down without a fight?” 

His hand raised and reached to push some unruly strands of hair out of your face, and you couldn’t look away from the soft glimmer in his eyes, that was so at odds with the rest of his face, you wondered if he even knew it was there. You wondered if he knew what it signified, because you didn’t. And despite your best efforts otherwise, you couldn’t deny the curiosity that deluged you, to try and find out.

The hint in his molten golden orbs dissipated as quickly as it appeared, and so did any middling emotion that tried you, as you once more found yourself reaching for your knife and unsheathing it, holding it in between both your hands, aiming for a shoulder… or a neck, and with a feral growl, you pushed your entire forced into the blow, and yelped in pain as one of his hands wrapped around both your wrists and twisted until the knife dropped pitifully on the ground with a loud clink. Tears threatened you once more at how futile the effort had been, how easy for him to overpower you like you were nothing more than a child, or a doll. He pinned your hands above your head and pushed you until your back collided with the bark of a tree and you felt the wind getting knocked out of your lungs at the contact. 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… why must you always resort to violence… yawne?” Your eyes widened as the hand that wasn’t holding you ghosted over your cheeks, tracing the air right above your lips with his thumb, and you were struggling, yet again, with the feelings that were plaguing you, that made burning appear everywhere his fingers were, burning the travelled down your body until they reached your core, that throbbed and clenched, that desperately asked you for something you would never, ever give it. After exploring your face, and tracing your jaw, his fingers finally settled on your chin, pushing it gently until your face angled upwards to meet his and no further breath could inch its way down your airways at the sight of him, at the way he looked at you, at the way it made you feel. 

“You told me that you won’t mind burning in Hell as long as I burn with you. Well…” he broke eye contact to look around him at the forest surrounding you both. “Do you hear that, yawne? Fire is catching. And looks like we’re going to get to burn together after all.” 

“Let me go. I told you what would happen if you ever touched me again.” His smirk never faltered, but only deepened as his eyes trailed over your body, settling on your lower abdomen. 

“Mmm, yawne. I’m not sure you mean that.” It was your turn to reciprocate his guise, no ounce of shame or hesitation on your face.

 

“Let me go and you’ll find out whether I mean it or not.” his eyes widened, if only for a split second, and you felt like you imagined his grip on you loosening, or the fleeting sight of goosebumps peppered on his chest and neck, where your warm breath touched him. 

“Are you really going to miss your chance to find lover boy and apologise like the good girl you like people to think you are?”

Your eyes lost momentary focus as he spoke. His words, although as cruel as usual, made guilt peak its ugly head over the thin-veiled curtain it was hiding behind, and you knew he was right. This was irrelevant. This whole fandangle of aggression and snarky remarks you always engaged in was not what should be occupying your brain, it wasn’t what mattered. O'ì'en mattered. Fixing Neteyam’s damage… and your own - that’s the only thing that mattered right now. 

“Funny how quickly you seem to have forgotten about the one you supposedly love so much when I have your hands pinned above your head, isn’t it… yawne.”

His hands trailed over your arm as if on accident as he let you go and you felt embarrassed. Embarrassed at his words, at his effect on you, at how hard you were fighting your own body and mind as they were struggling to regain composure from his touch, and his voice, and his presence.

Hate. That’s all it was. It consumed you, and you wish it didn’t, but at the end of the day, it was still just harmless, bona fide, unadulterated hate. You ignored the way your cheeks caught fire and burned beneath your skin as you ran towards the village, towards where you assumed O’i’en was headed, without sparing your biggest, your only enemy a second glance. 

'Cause I have yet to learn how not to be his This city will surely burn if we keep this as it is

You spent hours searching for him, but despite trying every place you knew he liked to frequent, all efforts proved futile. You knew he wouldn’t want to be found, but still, you held a glimmer of hope in your heart that at least subconsciously, he’d want you to find him, to allow him to explain what was mostly inexplainable and inexcusable - you couldn’t blame him for proving you wrong.

Eventually, as eclipse was nearing with each passing moment, defeated and regretful, you went to the nearby river, that was almost deserted due to the approaching evening, that you hoped would bring you some answers, or some solace… some strength. What were you supposed to do? Were you supposed to listen to Eywa, and your own heart telling you to go for this mateship that you knew was wrong, but felt drawn towards, for your own twisted, sadistic reasons? Or should you listen to your mind who told you to fight for what you knew would be a comfortable, healthy future, one that didn’t particularly enthral you, but hoped you could aspire to and embrace in time, with the insight that came with getting older? As always, the war between your mind and heart led to a painful impasse where both of them were bloodied and injured, but no discernible winners were left to claim victory on the choice, or on all the questions that plagued you. 

You recognised Jake’s steps and his scent as he approached you, and you sighed. You were not in the mood for a lecture. Sure enough, he sat next to you, looking at the waterfall falling violently into the otherwise peaceful river, that rippled and bruised at the contact. It was funny to you now, sitting here, how that was a perfect metaphor for your relationship with Neteyam, how in his presence, you were just a river, and he was a force of nature, there to disturb and perturb, there to change you, so aggressive and formidable, and so strangely necessary. You were sad at how much his presence in your life mattered, how you knew that despite all the hurt and the pain, you owed him so much of who you were, so much of where you were. Because he pushed you every day, to be better, to strive for more, to want to be more like him in some ways, less like him in others - a better daughter, a better friend, a better sibling, a better soldier, a better warrior, a better clan member. 

“Hey, kid. What are you doing here, eclipse will be upon us soon. You know the rules.”

“I know the rules, Jake. And with all due respect, right now, I really couldn’t care less about them.”

You turned to him and noted his expression melting from one of annoyance, raised eyebrow and an open mouth, ready to chastise you for your insubordination and recalcitrance, into a soft and pitying one, as he took in your tear-stained face and trembling lips. You never cried, not in front of anyone who mattered, so the fact that here you stood, so obviously distressed, concerned Jake more than he could say out loud.

“What’s wrong, baby girl? What happened?” 

“I… I need to find O'ì'en… I’ve been looking for hours, but I can’t find him. Have you seen him anywhere?” Your sniffles and a hoarse, broken voice were more than enough to bring a grimace to the Olo’eyktan’s face. 

“Oh, honey…” his arms circled your much smaller body and he squeezed, the much needed hug warm and very welcome. Your hand tightened around his forearm, and you started sobbing silently as he held you. You’ve always been immensely grateful for the Sullys and their patriarch, but especially so in moments like this, when his paternal instincts kicked in, a role he was much better at than he ever gave himself credit for. 

“I ruined it… I ruined everything. I should have told him, I should have been honest with him. I should have come to you and asked you to free me of this responsibility that I never wanted to shoulder in the first place.” 

“You can still ask, kid. We would never force you into something you genuinely aren’t comfortable with, and you should know that. In fact, you do know that. But you didn’t come. Why?” 

You had no answer to that, because truthfully, you didn’t know. Getting revenge on Neteyam wasn’t a good enough answer, and more and more, you realised that - and you knew Jake would challenge you on it as soon as the words came out of your mouth. Getting revenge isn’t a good enough reason to sacrifice your own happiness, and liberty, your future as a warrior and your future with the man you wanted to want so badly. It wasn’t a good enough reason because it wasn’t the reason - not the only reason, not the full reason, but that was something you couldn't think about, you couldn't even fathom, not yet, so you didn't.

At your lack of response, Jake sighed and looked contemplatively at the river being perturbed by the waterfall crashing on it, at the way the water rippled and undulated, at the way the bioluminescent glow of the underwater plankton, that was visible now that eclipse settled over the land, warped under its force. 

“Did I ever tell you I had this girlfriend back on Earth? This was when I was young, about your age.” You shook your head softly, not looking at him, still focused and mesmerised by the same view he was studying. 

“She was amazing. So kind, and sweet, and beautiful… and good. Too good for me. And I loved her. She was the first girl I looked at and thought that maybe, just maybe, she would be the one. I used to pick her up after her classes were over and we would just drive in my car, just down the coast, in Anaheim at sundown, and I remember feeling so happy, thinking that I would feel this way the rest of my life.” 

You thought about that, and about your boyfriend, who very much seemed like what Jake was describing, who brought you comfort and safety. You thought about walking with him in this place Jake called Anaheim, in a heavenly place away from hurt and pain, away from mistakes and fears, just two people who loved each other, who wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. You felt grief envelop you when the face that appeared in your visions wasn’t the one you wanted to see, the one you hoped you’d see, the one you needed to see. You hated your brain and your heart for not allowing you to commit to him the way you knew you should, in the way that would ensure you a future of happiness and peace, a love worth harbouring, a pure and kind love, just like the one Jake described. 

“What happened? Between… you and her, I mean?” Jake shrugged, a small, content smile on his face. 

“It just didn’t work out. I joined the military, she continued her studies. We would have never worked. I wasn’t good enough for her, and she deserved someone who could love her the way she was meant be loved. Anaheim is still a beautiful memory to me, and I’ll always cherish it, but it made way for something much, much better. For both of us.

I think sometimes we hold on to things we think we need, we want to want, but these things pertain to a version of ourselves that isn’t fully authentic. I think it’s easy to pretend when we’re with certain people that life is one way, that we could fit in it, in this world we’ve created in our heads, in the world that they inspire, but the sooner we accept the realities of our circumstances, of who we are and where we truly belong, the more time we have to enjoy life for how it’s meant to be lived: fully, wildly, being wholly ourselves.” 

He stood up and headed back towards the village, not before giving you an affectionate pat on the head and a squeeze of your shoulders. His last words echoed in your ears long after he departed, leaving you with so much to think about, and so much pain at knowing he was right, and that soon, you’d have to break a heart and learn to mend your own.

“You can still ask, kid. I just think, deep down, Anaheim isn’t for you… just like it wasn’t for me.” 

But I'd give anything to stop time And drive around Anaheim at sun down And teach my mind to put you first

It took the whole night, but you eventually found him, after a painful conversation with his mother, at a different river he used to love coming to as a little kid with his father, one much further away from the village. He was sitting on the river bank, lost in thought, his feet dangling mindlessly in the water that rushed downstream, agitated and tumultuous, much like your mind. You sighed deeply, trying your hardest to build up the courage for the most difficult conversation you’ve ever had, one in which you knew the end result was a broken heart, one that you caused, that you never meant to, that you would never want. You knew what it was like to be broken-hearted, sad and unmoored from the reality you’ve built up in your mind, from your hopes and dreams, from the future you were promised and now will never have again. But after the conversation with Jake, you knew it was the right thing to do. You loved O'ì'en, you truly did, just not enough to ever give him everything he needed and deserved, not for the rest of your life. You had darkness in you he would never be skilled enough to wander through, to bring light into, and you would never want him to try, not when it would dim his own light, that deserved to be nourished and heightened by someone, who much like him, was good and pure, and better than you’d ever be. 

“O'ì'en…” 

He wasn’t startled by your presence. His gaze didn’t shift from where it was intently fixed, and you knew you shouldn’t expect that it did. You wouldn’t want to look at yourself, either. 

“You know, I watched for so long the interactions between you and Neteyam, and they always made me sad and uncomfortable. The hatred that I could not understand, that seemed to occupy so much of your time and space in both your minds, that consumed you both. I watched it, and I wanted to say something, but I never thought it was my place. It hurt me, seeing you suffer at his hands, and hurt me that you always reciprocated, that you never took the high road, that you always felt the need to one-up him, to give as good as you got. It was so toxic and unhealthy, and I hoped in time, you’d move away from it. I hoped I could help you. But now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to, not anymore. And I don’t know if I want to.” 

Tears rolled down your face with every word uttered, with every sentence that cut deeper and deeper in you, until you were bleeding and bruised, until it all hurt, being here, seeing him, hearing him, the past and the future, the present and your actions, and Neteyam’s actions, and everything that lead to this moment. It was so much easier to get your heart broken, you realise faintly, than to break a heart. Heartbroken, you could pity yourself, victimise yourself, tell yourself and the world that it’s not you, but the other person, the one who instigated it. You can sleep at night knowing you were wronged, that if it wasn’t for the pain that someone else caused you, things would be different, easier. There was nothing easy about watching a good person suffer and knowing you caused it, and you wondered how you were ever going to fall asleep again, how were you going to be able to live with yourself. 

“I didn’t choose this, O'ì'en… any of this. I need you to know this. Mo’at asked us to come to her as a matter of urgency the other day, she told us that Eywa gave her a sign, showed her a vision, and that by her will, Neteyam and I will have to become a mated-pair.” You felt bad about leaving out certain… extenuating circumstances, but you realise that sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid and once some words are uttered, some actions taken, they can’t be recalled, they can’t be reversed, they won’t dematerialise - their echoes will forever ring through time, leaving damage and hurt in their wake, and you didn’t want that - not for him. 

“Have you told her you don’t want to? Have you gone to the Tsa’hik, or the Olo’eyktan, or the Tsakarem and talked to them, told them you are in love with someone else, that you made up your mind? Did you fight for us at any point? For me?” 

Your eyes widened at his words, that had an edge to them you’ve never observed in him before, that you didn’t even realise he was truly capable of. The words stung needles on your skin and in your eyes, that had prickling tears still falling uninterrupted, like summer rain, soaking your heart and soul that hurt because you knew that you couldn’t give him an answer that would satisfy him… you couldn’t give him an answer at all. 

“They look at you like you’re their daughter. They would listen to you if you asked. But you didn’t, did you?” 

“I once overheard Lo’ak talk about you and Neteyam to his human friend. He was concerned about you. About both of you. But aside from that, he talked about you two like you were an inevitability. About passion that ran so deep there was no way only hatred fuelled it. That there must be something underneath it all. I heard this and it made me angry at the time… I thought that he was unreasonable and out of line. Naively, I took your affection at face value and never looked beyond. Until now, that is. When I realised that in our time together, all the time we shared, all the moments that were sweet and innocent and everything I’ve ever wanted, you’ve never once shared even a fraction of that passion for me.” 

“O'ì'en, no…” 

“I think, deep down, you don’t want to get out of this because it’s finally a way to bridge the gap that has existed between you and Neteyam for so long, a gap you secretly wished had never existed. I think you’ve been in love with him since you were children, and this was the perfect opportunity to change a path you thought was set in stone before. I think he’s in love with you, too. But both of you are too mean, too stubborn with each other to see past your differences. To talk.” 

“You’re wrong.” The temper was rising in your chest as his head continued shaking, denying your statement, as his words were processing in your mind, the unbelievable, insane, unreasonable words that you couldn’t believe were being uttered right before you, not by him. You wanted to scream at him, to shout and tell him that it’s all wrong, all of this, everything is all wrong. That the passion he’s talking about is just intense dislike that was so grand, so overpowering, it couldn’t be contained inside your body, nor inside his. That you were not in love with Neteyam - you hated Neteyam. With every fibre of your being, you loathed the man that hurt you so deeply, so intimately, for so long, that forsook the past you shared and the memories you made and what you meant to him, or what he meant to you.

You wanted to tell him that he’s delusional in ever thinking that man could ever be in love with you, when all he did was find new ways to torture you, to belittle you, to make you feel lesser than him, lesser than anyone he knew. How could that ever be love? How could that ever work? This was love. What you had with O'ì'en. Pure and good and kind and easy. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt, right? Love was supposed to feel natural, like coming home after a long, exhausting day, it wasn’t supposed to be what made the day long and exhausting in the first place. He was so wrong. 

But you didn’t find it in you to argue with him. Not with him. Someone else will have to bear the consequences of your repressed anger, but not O'ì'en, because he deserves better than what he got, and what you gave, and in truth.. none of this mattered anyway. Arguing would make no difference in this doomed relationship, so you calmed yourself for the time being and spoke in as even of a tone you could manage. 

“O'ì'en… I think you’re wrong. But, it doesn’t matter. You’re right that I didn’t talk to Mo’at, and that I should have. Regardless of the circumstances that led to this, I am so sorry. I will forever be sorry for the way you found out, for the way this came to be. I’m so sorry you had to be collateral damage in a war that is only mine to bear. I had a whole plan about how to tell you, I had so many things I wanted to say to you. That I’m grateful to you, and that I love you. That I’m sorry it wasn’t the way that you deserve to be loved, but I do love you. That I will never forget you, and your affection that shone so brightly over me, that was a safe haven from the bad storms I’ve had to weather for so long. That I’ll be sorry every day that I wasn’t good enough for you, but am relieved by the notion that one day, you’ll find someone so much better than me, someone who will be able to give you everything you deserve and then some, and I’m relieved in knowing you will be thankful to have been rid of me.” 

You decided this would have to be enough for now. One day, maybe you’ll be able to face him again. One day, maybe he’ll even be able to spare you a glance, or a smile. But not today. 

“I hope you forgive me one day.” 

“Me, too.” 

But I'd give anything to stop time, commit to you and not crimes Against your truth and lose sight of every divide threatening to undo this story But baby, I'm so sorry, I don't think that I'll ever memorise this route

It was a long way back to the village, and with every step taken and every moment passed, the anger that you tried to stifle for his sake came back ten fold - the tiring days of fighting, of crying, of suffering, of uncertainty and rampant emotions all building up within you, all coming to a calamitous zenith that threatened to spill all around you, that begged and urged for revenge, for payback on the man that caused it all, the man that was at the centre of all your life’s woes.

He ruined your relationship? Well… let’s see how he’ll like a taste of his own medicine. You knew exactly where you’ll find him, because you knew he’d be in the place he knew he could pester you the most, in a place that’s supposed to be yours, that he tainted over and over, that you will make sure to conquer back from him, the way you eventually would all of the pieces of yourselves he’s taken from you through time.

Your tent was quiet and untouched, unlike the little nook behind it, that was completely segregated from the rest of the clan, an oasis of secrecy and privacy in an otherwise bustling environment. A place that should be yours alone, but now hid two Na’vi, one of them mewling softly at the actions of the other. Neteyam was focused on his mate’s neck, their make-out session so intense, they didn’t even notice you until it was too late, until you stood behind them, until your presence was announced by a deep sigh and a disappointed click of your tongue.

“Oh, how disappointing.” 

The girl let out a distressed yelp at your voice and pushed Neteyam off of her, eliciting a deep growl from the man that was less than impressed by the interruption. 

“Am I interrupting?”  

You saw Neteyam’s eyes widened slightly at the sight of you, at the way he knew what was coming. You laughed at his expression. What did he think was going to happen after what he’s done? What did he think you were going to do finding them here? The evil smirk that possessed you reminded you of his, and you wondered if this is how panicked you looked, too, when you saw him approaching you and O'ì'en.

“You know, if you’re going to continue going against the Olo’eyktan and the Tsa’hik’s wishes and cheat on your mate, I wouldn’t do it… you know, right outside of her tent.” 

“WHAT?!” The high-pitched screech nearly deafened you, but you didn’t let it show. Instead you just watched as Neteyam scrambled to get himself out of the eye of the storm threatening to tear him apart.

“Tìlor, I -“ 

“Ah, your boyfriend didn’t tell you?” Your smile was sickeningly sweet as you approached the couple, stopping right next to Neteyam, placing a hand on his arm, tracing the protruding veins that made saliva pool in your mouth, and you bit back a laugh at the girl’s rabid look, that looked a lot like she was going to pounce on you at any given moment - you hoped she did. Nothing would make you happier than to have an excuse to rearrange her braids. This girl that always looked down on you, that looked at you like you were an outsider or a freak, that never even tried to mask her jealousy, her disdain, her fear at the fact the Sullys preferred you, and always will. 

“I will be your Tsa’hik soon. Isn’t that right… yawne?” 

“So unless you want me to go and tell the clan leaders… and your mother… and your father, and everyone who matters that you’ve been fucking someone else’s mate and watch as little by little, your entire world falls apart around you, I suggest you realise this man right here, he’s not worth it. Not worth all the drama, not worth all the fuss. Just go, and find yourself a single mate, and give thanks to Eywa she’s rid you of him, cause damn, I know I wish I could be.” 

The hatred in her eyes was slowly replaced with fear and embarrassment, and for a second, just a second - you felt bad for her. Because no matter how badly she’s treated you, how she’s adopted Neteyam’s behaviour as her own with no reason or rhyme, much like O'ì'en, she was also just another collateral victim in a war that kept claiming lives and hearts, and you wondered where, if at all, the line would be drawn, when, if ever, would enough be enough?

You watched as she scrambled to fasten her top around her neck properly and without another word, she was gone, leaving just you and Neteyam alone, with enough tension in the air around you to suffocate you, to feel like smoke from a fire so grand, you didn't know if weren’t skilled enough to put out.

'Cause I have yet to know how to be mine You can try to unearth this soul I swear you'll hate what you find

“Why?” 

“You’re making out with someone behind my tent, knowing that would piss me off, after what you did yesterday, and you have the nerve to ask me why?” you threw your head back and laughed at the outrageousness of the question. Neteyam wasn’t stupid - far from it. He was also not naive, or oblivious, or harebrained. The question had no business coming out of his mouth, but yet it did. You didn't have time to ponder the reasons why.

“You see, Neteyam, I think you came here because you knew I’d come. Because you secretly wanted me to. Because you know deep down that this girl has nothing to offer you, and you just needed an easy way out to rid yourself of her, and you needed me to do your dirty work for you again. Well, you’re welcome, Neteyam. What the fuck would you ever do without me, huh?”

“You’re such a fucking hypocrite. All the theatricals of being heartbroken over what I did to O'ì'en and then you do the exact same thing to someone else, someone innocent.”

“Innocent, ha! You think I give a shit about your little girlfriend’s feelings, when you treated O'ì'en the way you did? He didn’t deserve this, Neteyam. Any of this. He’s good man, he respects you, and looks up to you. He -“ 

“He should have known better than to associate himself with you.” His bared fangs didn’t do as much to scare you, not nearly as much as his proximity to you did, at the way his eyes stared daggers at your face, that even in the heat of the moment, at the peak of anger and hatred, couldn’t help settle on your parted, wet lips. “He should have known better and realise that all you bring in people’s life is disappointment and pain. He also should have known better and realise you didn’t love him. That you never will. That you might try to act like it and convince yourself, but someone like him would never, ever satisfy you.” 

“And who the fuck would satisfy me, Neteyam? You? That’s rich. I bet your poor little girlfriend’s happy she’s rid of you. Bet you haven’t made her cum once. Too busy thinking of training and ruining my life, too busy thinking about how great you think you are to make room for anyone else in there.” You poked him in the chest with your index finger, right over his heart. Your touch lingered on his body, somehow unable to bring yourself to stop, half in awe at the way his heart was racing, at the way yours beat almost in sync with his, at the way you tried to convince yourself it’s because of the anger you were feeling, and no other reason.

“Yeah? Is that what you think?” 

And there he was again, once more grabbing you by your throat, and you wanted to object, and fight him, but you didn’t - you couldn’t -, not as you felt throbbing deep within you at the action, not as you had to push your thighs together to accommodate for the increasingly uncomfortable sensation, not as your loincloth was becoming more and more damp by the second. And you remember your words, and remember that you told him that if he ever touched you again, you’ll make him pay for it, but right now, in this moment, you couldn’t find it in you to speak a word, as the intensity of his gaze knocked the air out of your lungs and his fingers squeezed just enough so no more could get back in you. Your back scratched painfully against a tree as he pushed you into it, and you couldn’t help a small moan as his other hand pushed your loincloth to the side, brushing over your folds that were now sopping and swollen. He let out a soft chuckle as he felt you.

“If that’s what you really thought, you wouldn’t be dripping on my fingers right now, tsxepvi.” 

Slowly, deliberately, he started exploring your heat, thumb ghosting over your clit as he watched you squirm under his touch, struggling between what you knew you should do, between your conscious mind telling you you were going to pay for this in tears and heartache, and your subconscious mind screaming to let go, to embrace the overbearing desire to give in to him, as you did in the dreams you convinced yourself in time were nightmares, but knew more and more each day that it was just another lie you told yourself to keep going. 

One side of you won by a landslide, as he gently pushed two fingers in you, as he started increasing the pressure with which he was massaging your clit, and it felt so good, too good, better than anything you’ve ever felt before. You tried to contain the sounds coming through gritted teeth with all your might, knowing what he was doing, knowing giving him any indication of the pleasure he was giving you would mean another thing you’d have to pay for later, knowing you couldn’t allow him to enjoy this, you couldn’t possibly give him the satisfaction of knowing he could do this to you, but you couldn’t stop, not when his fingers curled in you and found the spongy part that made you see glimmering, blinding lights and his thumb circled your needy bud in the perfect way to heighten the sensations running through you, electrifying your every nerve. The moans turn into mewls as he increases the pressure and his pace, and you felt the pleasure in you reach a high that you were ready to ride out, your orgasm so close you could practically taste it, and you’re barely able to think about how fucking quick it was, how it took no time at all for him to get you there, how skilled his fingers, as they worked his ministrations on you. You had no will to think about what the fuck was happening, how weird it was, how the man you’ve hated for so long is doing this to you, before the feeling got too overwhelming to be contained anymore.

“Fuck, i’m gonna -“ 

“That’s right, tsxepvi. I can feel you squeezing my fingers. You want to come for me?” 

“Argh, I-“ 

The moan you let you wasn’t of pleasure, it was of deep, throbbing pain as the emptiness overtook you, as soon as he removed his fingers.

He smirked, an evil smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, as his fingers found his lips and he sucked on them, his tongue swirling in between them, licking every single drop. 

“You taste fucking amazing, tsxepvi. Maybe next time, if you apologise and behave, you’ll actually get to cum.” 

And with that, he was gone, living you an empty, horrified mess, as the high came crashing down violently and the consequences of the last few minutes replaced it to lead you in a spiral of mixed thoughts and feelings, each one more terrifying than the last. 

'Cause I am lost, but not in you Yes, I am lost, but not in you

taglist: @fanboyluvr @theycallmesia @afro-hispwriter @soleilmoon @crazy4books1 @bakugouswaif@randxmthxughts @xreadersstuff @sirezaya @kimberlyshailany-blog @gyuventure @jujudsmyst @kikookii @nxptury @nonniesworld @koing-slvt @bakugouswaif @isnt-itstrange @tpwkforevermore @alahamums @tallulah477 @gknj9495@aquamarine001 @itssomeonereading @yumimak @sweetbread-m @eqgroil @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @juneonhoth @yagirlheree @jackiehollanderr @legendarynoodlebowl @iameatingmyhair @justasimps-blog

[princessmaybank]

could you possibly do some angsty fluff with prompt #1 for jj i’m begging

(Of course! I tried my best! Sorry it took so long, I'm not a fast writer! I hope you like it!)

Please Let Me Kiss You

Pairings: Bestie!JJ x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, Cheating, Kiss

Summary: Rafe cheated on you and you ran to your best friend.

Author's Note: My first with no smut?? Crazy.

"Just get the fuck out!" Rafe yelled at me from the bed. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I can't believe what I just walked in on. "Get the fuck out Y/N!" Tears brimmed in my eyes. Rafe got out of the bed, he stood in front of me completely naked and the girl who was occupying my side of the bed, covered herself with our comforter.

A gust of wind flies past after I feel a sharp sting on my cheek. I see Rafe shaking his hand as my own reaches for my cheek gently. "Are you fucking deaf?! I said get the fuck out you stupid cunt!" He yelled in my face this time.

I picked up my purse and fled to my car. I didn't even give myself time to process, I had to leave. There was only one place I could go.

My tires crunched the gravel outside of the chateau, announcing my arrival to anyone here. I noticed JJ's bike and I saw the Twinkie, it meant at least the two dipshits were here. You could say I wasn't in the talking mood, I stormed past them in the backyard and ran to the guest bedroom, slamming everything in my way. Yes, I am mad now, but the heartache has been lingering since I saw her car parked in my fucking driveway.

It was too late when I realized I didn't lock the door, because a certain blonde barged in. "hey, hey what's wrong mama?" JJ asked as he took a seat next to me.

I couldn't even compose myself to respond, I simply threw myself in his arms and sobbed on his shoulder. His hand tangled in my hair while shushing me and rocking me back and forth in his lap.

We have been sitting here for nearly 30 minutes and not once has he tried to stop soothing me. His lips met my forehead many times as he ran his hand up and down my back.

"Are you okay Y/N?" Those were the first words spoken in that 30 minutes. I shook my head 'no' against his chest. "Please tell me what's wrong..I hate seeing you like this.." His words tore into my chest and shattered my heart. I sniffled and wiped my tears away when I pulled back from him. "I'm not good enough Jay... I've never been good enough and I never, will be good enough.." Tears started spilling down my cheeks again as I spoke nothing but the truth. "what...?" He questioned almost like his heart broke. His words sounded more venomous as his sentence continued. "what did he do?" "Nothing don't worry about it Jay.. I'm just upset..." I quickly shot him down. I know how protective my best friend can get. "Y/N. Don't bullshit me. What did he fuckin' do to you? Did he hit you?!" He asked. Without thinking, my body reacted and began to get ready for my mouth to say 'no', but it never happened. Rafe had never laid a hand on me until today. I nearly forgot. "uhm.." Is all I could mutter. His eyes went dark as he set me aside on the bed. "I'm gonna fucking kill him." He stomped towards the bedroom door. Before he could reach the handle, I grabbed his hand, making him whip his head towards me. "Please don't leave me.." I whimpered, tears brimming my eyes. "I-I won't.." He rushed back over to me and wrapped his around around me, allowing my head to sit on his stomach. JJ knew exactly how to calm me down. He always played with my hair and shushed me in a sweet way.

"Y/N.." he started, sitting next to me on the bed. "..please tell me what happened." JJ grabbed my hand in his and rubbed his thumb across my knuckles. "R-Rafe..." Was all I could say before tears spilled. He squeezed my hand urging me to continue. After the next breath I took, I spilled everything onto JJ. He was a mess of emotions as well, mostly anger and resentment for Rafe, but I wasn't expecting to see sadness from him. He looked at me with tear stained cheeks. "I'm so sorry that happened to you Y/N." He said and pulled me into his arms. We sat there in silence again, yet more comfortable. A few minutes pass before JJ pulls me to look at him. He wraps his first finger and thumb around my chin, forcing my eyes to stare into his. He looked so hurt. "Y/N.." he paused to grab my hand with his free one. "please let me kiss you..." He paused again, my heart thumped against my chest. "so for even just a few seconds you know how beautiful you are. so you know you are worthy of the love you bring to others.." His voice cracked in the middle. He was as broken as I am. Before I could think about it I nodded my head and JJ leaped at the opportunity. His hand was now caressing my cheek as his lips slowly met mine. The kiss was supposed to be small, meaningless even..but it felt so passionate, it felt right. JJ pulled away and looked at me again. "He never deserved you, you are way too good for him, Y/N/N." I smiled at JJ as he wrapped his arms around me. We sat there and cuddled until we couldn't anymore.

[justagalwhowrites]

Hi again Bestie!

This is for the Enemies to Lovers Angsty Joel ask. I was thinking a new reader with show Canon Joel? But if that’s too much work and it works better with Lavender Joel and doc that’s fine too!!

aaa thank you so much for responding!!

OMG HI BESTIE!

Thank you so much for the ask and for being patient! I hope this fits with what you're looking for. Thank you for reading and reaching out! Love you!!!

(This ask came in from @dundienominee and they're tagged with permission HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!!!)

Loathe/Lust

You have every reason to hate Joel fucking Miller. He knows it. It doesn't stop him from coming to you for help.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Legal age gap (reader is 27 and has known Joel since she was 25, Joel is 46.) SMUT :D Canon typical violence. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 7.4k

Spring, 2013

At the end of the world, there were very few constants. 

One, you were fucking tired of jerky. 

Two, there was never a shortage of people who needed healing. 

Three, you hated Joel fucking Miller. 

Everything else could shift and change but those things were facts. 

Jerky was a staple of every meal because, with QZ food, there was no such thing as fresh. There was often no such thing as enough, either, but fuck were you tired of jerky. 

And QZ life wasn’t easy on anybody. People needed a lot of patching up here. You’d come up through FEDRA school, 17 and a junior in high school when the outbreak happened. You were tapped early for your aptitude for biology and taught the very basics for helping to keep people alive. You didn’t know much about the world before, you’d been a teenager when things went to shit, but you knew what they taught you barely qualified as medicine. Still, you did everything you could to help people. It was nice, having purpose in this shitty life. 

Then there was Joel. Joel fucking Miller. Joel fucking Miller, drug smuggler. Joel fucking Miller, guy who got your brother mixed up in his stupid illegal activities. Joel fucking Miller, the man who introduced your brother to fucking Marlene. Joel fucking Miller, the person you really blamed for your idiot brother taking off across the country to help the goddamn Fireflies as though there was a single fucking thing people could do to fix this disaster, to bring down FEDRA. Without Joel fucking Miller, Nathan never would have gotten hooked on drugs to begin with, never would have been vulnerable, never would have fallen for Marlene’s bullshit. 

If it wasn’t for Joel fucking Miller, you wouldn’t be here, alone. 

But you were. 

And you hated him for it. 

And he knew that you hated him for it. 

Which is why it was a hell of a shock when there was a knock on your door late one Thursday night, just before curfew, and Joel was there, grimacing and panting for breath. 

You narrowed your eyes at him. 

“You’ve got some fucking nerve,” you snapped, almost slamming the door on him. He threw his hand out and caught it before you could, his thick fingers closing around the edge of it. 

“Not any happier about this than you are, Brat,” he spoke through clenched teeth, using the nickname your brother always called you. The name he’d called you for 22 years before he went across the country because of Joel fucking Miller. “But I don’t exactly got another choice.” 

He adjusted his leg so you could see it in the light. A knife was embedded there, right where his femoral artery would be. 

“Shit,” you muttered. 

“Can’t exactly go to the clinic with this,” he said. “But you’re dumb enough to take that fuckin’ doctor’s oath seriously so…” 

“Calling me dumb probably isn’t the smartest move when you want me to save your goddamn life,” you glared at him. 

“I ain’t wrong.” 

“Fuck you,” you sighed, opening your door wide and stepping out of the way. He limped inside, going for the couch. “Don’t even think about it, asshole. Kitchen table, if I’ve got to clean your blood off my floor I’m not trying to get it out of the fucking carpet.” 

He grimaced but obeyed, heading for the table and sitting down heavily in one of your mismatched wooden chairs. You went to collect what you’d need to - hopefully - keep him from fucking dying in your apartment and came back, propping his injured leg up on another chair before pulling a third one up alongside him. You put a towel down below him and took your scissors and cut his jeans, exposing his leg where the knife was sticking out. 

“At least you weren’t dumb enough to pull it out,” you muttered, examining the wound. “Know how big the knife is?” 

“Big,” Joel said wryly. 

You glared at him. 

“I meant in inches. Not that you men can judge inches worth a damn…” 

“I can,” he said. “And it’s about 8 inches. Trust me, I know.” 

You rolled your eyes. Of course he did. 

“Alright,” you said, actually meeting his gaze. His eyes were oddly gentle, a softness to them that made your heart ache a little when you looked at him too long. “I’m going to do what I can here and I have my shit set up and ready to go but if this thing shredded your femoral artery, you’re going to bleed out and die in just a few minutes and there won’t be a goddamn thing I can do about it. I’m as prepared as I can be for a heavy bleed but if you’re really fucked you’d need someone to take a blood vessel from one part of your body and use it to patch the femoral and it should go without saying that I can’t do that in my fucking kitchen. I could put a tourniquet on you and try to get you to the clinic but…” 

“FEDRA would just finish me off,” he nodded. “I get it.” 

You paused for a second, looking at him. 

“I really will do everything I can,” you said, actually earnestly speaking to him for a change. You felt… bad for him. For Joel fucking Miller. You didn’t like the guy but you didn’t want him dead. 

You pulled on gloves.

“Look, Brat, I know this is a win/win for you, alright?” He smirked a little. “Either I owe you or I’m dead and you don’t have to fuckin’ deal with me anymore. Promise I won’t haunt you if I finally got myself killed, OK?” 

You nodded and tried to wrap your head around the idea that Joel fucking Miller might be dead at your kitchen table in a few minutes. 

“Anything you want me to tell people if…” 

“Don’t have much I’m leavin’ behind,” he said, actually serious now. You weren’t sure you’d ever heard him be serious before. He sighed. “Been fine with dyin’ for a while. About time it caught up with me. Just tell Tess and Tommy I’m sorry for fuckin’ ‘em over. Sorry to you, too, for draggin’ you into it. Don’t have anyone else.” 

You nodded again. Why was Joel making you feel bad for him? Making you think of him like a person instead of some asshole now? When it’d be on you to keep his stupid ass alive? 

“Right.” 

You cracked your neck and loosened your body up before putting a hand on his bare thigh. His skin was warm and soft, his leg muscled and thick. 

“This is going to hurt like a bitch,” you warned him. “But you need to stay completely still, otherwise something that wasn’t already fucked up might get fucked up. I’ve got to pull the blade out as straight as I can, try to get it to go the same path it went in, OK?” 

“OK,” he nodded, his large hands going to the base of his thigh, like he was going to hold himself still. He looked at you again. “Meant what I said. It’s really… it’s alright if it kills me, OK? Don’t want you to feel like shit if it does. Not your fault.” 

“Yeah, I’d hardly feel like shit for taking you out, Miller,” you rolled your eyes even though the idea of him dying mad your stomach turn. Maybe it was because it would be on your shoulders and you didn’t want anyone to die because of you. Even Joel fucking Miller, the man you hated more than anyone else. The thought that part of him wanted to die made your chest tight. You took a deep breath. “Here we go.” 

You pulled the knife out as quickly as you could while also holding it steady - which, as it happens, wasn’t all that quick. Joel hissed in pain but, to his credit, didn’t move. 

There was a fair bit of blood once the blade was freed but it wasn’t a full-blown arterial bleed. You breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Good news, you’re not going to bleed out on my kitchen floor,” you set the knife down and grabbing gauze, putting pressure on the wound. “You missed your femoral artery. I still need to get this bleeding to slow down before I can stitch you up and you’ll need to take it easy for a bit but you’ll be fine.” 

“Sorry to disappoint,” he smirked a little but still. He looked relieved. 

“You’re a constant disappointment so I’m used to it.” 

He snorted and relaxed back into his seat, crossing his arms, watching you hold the gauze to his leg. His bare, strong leg. You swallowed. 

“Hear from your brother at all?” He asked. 

You looked up at him, eyes narrowed. 

“Every now and then.” 

“He doin’ OK?” 

“Fine, from what I can tell,” you replied. “Doesn’t have anyone giving him a steady stream of fucking drugs which I’m sure helps.” 

He shrugged. 

“Demand is demand, Brat,” he said. “Don’t blame the supply.” 

“Want me to go back in and cut your femoral artery?” You snapped. “Because I can make that happen.” 

“Honey, I don’t think you could cut the femoral artery of someone who was tryin’ to kill you if you had the chance,” he smirked. “Not gonna do it to me. You should work on that.” 

You just rolled your eyes and changed out the gauze. 

“In just a second I’m going to get to stab you over and over with a needle,” you looked up at him through your eyelashes. “Think I’ll see just how close together I can get these stitches. Can’t wait.” 

It didn’t take long for the bleeding to slow and you did, indeed, stab Joel fucking Miller 20 times in the leg with a needle. 

“There,” you said, looking over your handiwork. “Looks like you’ll live to ruin lives another day.” 

“Livin’ the dream,” there was a hint of bitterness in his voice. You set the needle down and took off your gloves before getting up. 

“Alright, you’re not going home tonight,” you said, squatting down so your shoulder was tucked into his underarm. “It’s after curfew, anyway, and I’m not about to let you waste all the trouble I just went through by getting picked up by fucking FEDRA. I’m moving you to the couch and going to set you up so that leg is elevated. You can go home in the morning.” 

He nodded and shifted in his chair until part of his weight was on you. He was big, bigger than you really realized, his weight more substantial than you’d expected. He was so broad. You hadn’t been close to him before, had never realized it. He sat heavily on the couch and he hefted his injured leg up as you grabbed some towels to stack below his ankle. 

“Comfortable?” You asked, hands on your hips. 

“Think there might be a pea under one of these cushions…” You flipped him off with a roll of your eyes. He smiled. “I’m good. Thank you. For… well, all of it. Appreciate it.” 

“Yeah well,” you shrugged. “I’ll work on that so next time I can finish you off.” 

He smirked. 

“Whatever you say, Brat.” 

You woke up early but Joel was already gone. 

You didn’t see him again until he showed up at your door almost a week later, not long after you got home from a shift at the clinic. 

“Who’d you piss off this time?” You asked. 

“Just you.” 

He held out a book and you frowned and took it. It was Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. 

“What…” 

“Saw you had some of her on your bookshelf there,” he nodded toward it. “But didn’t see that one and it’s the only one I’d fuckin’ heard of… Anyway. Thought you’d like it.” 

“I do but…” you turned the book over in your hands. It was a nice copy, with a cloth cover and a ribbon bookmark. It would have cost a small fortune on the black market. You looked up at him. “Why are you giving me this?” 

He shrugged. 

“Saw it, thought of you. Wanted to say thanks for not killin’ me.” 

“You really don’t…” 

“I know.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “See you around, Brat.” 

He left while you were still staring at the book. 

It was three months before he was back at your door again. You’d read Pride and Prejudice twice since then, disappearing into the story, reluctantly thankful to Joel fucking Miller for the best escape you’d had from the QZ in years. 

This time, it was after curfew and he was clutching his arm, soaking wet as it poured rain outside. You just sighed and wordlessly opened your door. 

He came in and sat at your kitchen table while you grabbed towels and gave him one. 

“Don’t have a knife lodged in there do you?” You asked, grabbing your stash of medical supplies. 

“Not this time,” he dried his face and roughly pressed the towel to his hair. “But it’s a nasty cut that hasn’t stopped bleedin’, think I need stitches.” 

“Can you take the shirt off?” You asked, going to the kitchen to wash your hands throughly. 

“Think so,” he called after you. 

You stopped in your tracks when you turned around. The shirt was off and Joel was… fucking beautiful. His chest and arms and shoulders were broad and sculpted, his stomach a little softer and inviting. You wanted to touch him, not as someone treating him but as someone experiencing him, enjoying him. You shook yourself mentally. 

He was Joel fucking Miller. You were not going to get turned on by Joel fucking Miller. 

“You just love giving me an excuse to stab you repeatedly don’t you?” You said, sitting in the char beside him and pulling on gloves. 

“Figured you’d be bored,” he smirked. “Got a big knife if you want to try to take me out this time…” 

He nodded to his belt and you looked down instinctively. He did, indeed, have a large knife strapped to his side. You rolled your eyes. 

“Sit still while I do this,” you demanded. 

“Yes ma’am.” 

You disinfected and cleaned the wound before you started stitching it. You could hear Joel grimacing as you did and you tried to ignore just how good his damn arm looked as you worked on it. 

“How’s Nathan?” He asked after a minute. You looked away from his wound to glare at him. “What?” 

“He’s not here,” you snapped. “You can’t get him involved in your shit, can’t get him running drugs for you again, can’t get him putting his life on the line to feed his damn addiction, you can’t take advantage of his weakness so you can make more goddamn ration cards! So stop fucking asking!” 

He was quiet and you went back to stitching. 

“S’not why I ask,” he said after a moment. 

“Then why do you?” You kept your eyes on your work this time. 

“I’m not the one who got him hooked on that shit, you know,” he said, ignoring your question. You scoffed. “It’s true, I’m not. He was hooked well before I met the guy…” 

“And how’d that happen?” You asked, harsher than you really meant to be. 

“His dealer was a piece of shit,” Joel said. “Asshole named Robert. He knows who’s most vulnerable, who’s desperate, who he can overcharge and drive into debt. Nathan owed him money. A lot of fuckin’ money. He didn’t have it and Robert wasn’t too happy about that. So… I intervened.” 

“Intervened?” 

Joel shrugged and you glared at him, needle in your fingers. 

“Sorry,” he said. “But… Robert’s an asshole but he’s smart enough to know that I’d fuck up him and his guys. So, I made him back off. But Nathan still needed the drugs so…” 

“So he took up with you,” you finished for him, making the last stitch and tying it off. You cut the thread and sat back in your chair. 

“Somethin’ like that,” Joel said, titling his arm to look at your work. “Wasn’t tryin’ to get him into trouble. Was tryin’ to keep him out of it. Seemed like a good kid. Didn’t deserve to get killed because some asshole was takin’ advantage.” 

“And you expect me to believe you?” 

“Not really,” he shrugged. “But still. You deserved to know. And I do hope your brother’s doin’ OK. I know you think I’m bad news but the Fireflies ain’t exactly the Girl Scouts.” 

“Well, nothing is anymore, right?” You took off the gloves and started cleaning up. “Sit tight, I’ll find you a shirt. It’s after curfew because apparently you can’t piss people off at a reasonable time. You can take the couch again.” 

“See, Brat, it’s all part of my plan,” he smirked. “Come here too late for you to send me home so I can sleep on your strangely comfortable couch…” 

You rolled your eyes and found a shirt your ex-boyfriend had abandoned at your place when you’d broken up. You handed it to him and he went to the couch, not needing your help this time. 

“Try not to sleep on the side with the stitches,” you said. “That should go without saying but…” 

“But you think I’m an idiot?” He asked, brows raised, a hint of a smile on his lips. 

“Something like that,” you said, turning to to go bed yourself. But you paused, doubling back. He’d settled back in on the couch, his uninjured arm behind his head. He frowned at you, questioningly. “Thanks. For the book, I mean. Hadn’t read Pride and Prejudice since before the outbreak but it was nice, reading it again. Though I think I’d rather you owe me a favor than get the book…” 

“Still owe you the favor,” he said and then looked at the spot on his arm where the stitches were. “Two, now.” 

You smiled a little. At Joel fucking Miller. 

“Good to know.” 

He was gone by morning. 

The next time you were able to talk to Nathan via radio, you asked how he’d meet Joel. You asked about Robert. 

“Oh yeah,” he said, as though this should have been obvious to you. “Think I owe that guy my life, honestly…”

“He was selling you drugs that could have killed you, Nathan,” you wished he were about 2,000 miles closer so you could grab him and shake him. 

“It’s all relative,” he said. “He sure as shit didn’t do to me what Robert did, I’ll say that.” 

Joel fucking Miller. 

What if your brother was only alive because of Joel fucking Miller? 

It was two months before you saw him again. 

This time, it was at the clinic. He was sitting in one of the small triage areas, just a curtain around the bed and you sighed when you saw him. He smirked. 

“What’d you do now?” You asked, looking down at the chart. 

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m here to lie about symptoms so you’ll give me antibiotics to take back to Tommy. Think an injury of his got infected outside. Don’t want anyone lookin’ to closely at it.” 

“Jesus, Miller,” you sighed. “Alright, what symptoms do you supposedly have?” 

He rattled them off and you nodded along before sighing again. 

“Let me get you antibiotics,” you said. “It’s a miracle none of you have fucking died, you realize that.” 

“And I’m sure that’s a big disappointment for you,” he smirked. 

“Every goddamn day.” 

You went to the medicine cupboard and unlocked it, grabbing the pills you needed before closing it again when a strong hand grabbed your shoulder and ripped you around, so fast it made your head spin. You recognized the man standing so close to you that you could smell him. He’d been in the clinic a few times over the last few weeks, always complaining of pain. Everyone turned him away for drug seeking behavior but you could tell, the last time he was here, that he was getting desperate. 

“Look you little bitch,” his large hand went for your throat before you had a chance to even fully realize what was happening, your eyes going wide. He thrust you back against the cabinet with a thud, knocking your head against it so hard that you felt your brain rattle in your skull. You dropped the bottle in your hand and it clattered to the ground as you instinctively clawed at his hand. He tightened his grip. “I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried asking. You’re going to give me what I fucking need or I’ll kill you and get it from someone else, understand?” 

He squeezed tighter, your vision starting to get spotty. You couldn’t breathe and it’s not like you’d taken a deep breath before diving in the deep end of your parents’ pool. You wouldn’t last long without being able to breathe. Panic flared, acute and sharp, and your body scrambled to fight, to kick and scratch and punch to get a breath but it wasn’t working, he wasn’t letting you go. Your head was getting light and your vision was already narrowing when, suddenly the hand disappeared. 

You collapsed to the ground, coughing and gasping for air and looked up to see Joel on top of the man, a knee in his chest as he brought his fist down on his face again and again and again. The man tried to get his hands up to protect his face, then tried to land a hit on Joel but neither worked. Joel was almost eerily quiet as he pummeled the man, grunting with every blow, an almost unhinged look on his face. 

“Joel!” You tried to yell for him as you pushed yourself to your hands and knees. Your body felt so weak compared to just a few minutes before. You couldn’t really talk, an unfamiliar, raspy sound the only thing that left you. You tried again, anyway. “Joel!” 

You managed to make it to your feet and caught Joel’s elbow as he pulled it back one more time and he stopped, turning to look at you with that mad look on his face but it vanished the second he saw you. He dropped his arms, panting for breath, his eyes running over your face and neck. You pulled him back from the man as a nurse ran over to start examining Joel’s victim. 

One of your hands went to your throat, cradling it gently and feeling for damage and you pointed to the pill bottle with the other one. 

“Should get out of here,” you managed, though it sounded more like a garbled mess than actual words. But he seemed to understand. He picked up the bottle and gave you a last, lingering look before leaving the clinic. 

One of doctors looked you over and said you’d be fine eventually, you just needed to rest. They offered you some pain pills - the same ones Nathan had been hooked on, the same ones the man today had been willing to kill you for - and you turned them down, just trudging home and collapsing on the couch when you got there. 

It wasn’t the first time you’d been attacked. It was the end of the world, after all, it had happened a few times before. But it was the first time you had the feeling that you were about to die. Even when you’d been held at knife point for ration cards you’d had the feeling that everything was going to be fine. Yeah, you’d be short on some ration cards that day but you’d be fine. 

Not this time. 

You tried to relax, drifting in and out of consciousness on your couch, trying not to think of the man with his hand around your throat. The way his fingers had bruised you, the way his palm had crushed into your windpipe. The ruddy tone of his skin, the desperate and angry look in his eyes, the stink of his sweat. It was all there, every time you closed your eyes and relaxed too much it was there. 

You’d just drifted off again when there was a knock on your door. You groaned and forced yourself off the couch and opened the door, your hand cradling your throat. You were half expecting it to be a coworker, coming by to check in on you. 

Instead, it was Joel. 

“Don’t try n’talk if it’s gonna hurt your throat,” he said. You frowned a little at him. He had a canvas bag over one shoulder. “Can I come in?” 

“Not going to try and finish the job right?” You asked, voice strained and scratchy. 

He rolled his eyes. 

“Move, Brat.” 

You made a face but stepped aside, anyway. Joel went past you to your kitchen, put the bag on the counter and started rifling through your cabinets. You followed him, frowning. 

“What…” your hand was still against your throat, voice raw. 

“Will you go sit down?” He gave you a look over his shoulder before going back to sifting through your things. “Jesus Christ…” 

You threw your hands up but obeyed, sitting at your kitchen table and watching as Joel finally found what he was looking for. A pot, apparently. He put it on your stove and turned it on before going into the bag and pulling out a jar that he emptied into the pot. He stirred it for a moment before going into your freezer and finding the ice. He put some handfuls into a towel and came to the table, pulling out a chair and moving it so it was right in front of yours. He sat down and was so close to you that his thigh slotted between yours and you just sat there, looking at him, eyes wide. 

“Move your hand,” he nodded toward it and you realized you were still holding your neck. You obeyed and he gently took your chin in his large hand - his knuckles cut and bruised - adjusting your head so he could examine your throat. “Damn, Honey, he got you real good.” 

“Yeah, well…” 

“Hush,” he ordered. “Hold your head still.” 

He released your chin and lightly trailed his callused fingers over your throat, his touch lingering over where you knew was probably damaged and bruised. He took the ice in the towel and pressed it delicately to your skin. 

“See, you do know how to listen,” he said. “Even does you good every now and then.” 

You scoffed but you took the ice bundle from him, your fingers brushing his as you did. He sat back a little, his eyes running over the rest of you, his leg still between yours, the other brushing the outside of your thigh. 

“He get you anywhere else?” He asked eventually. You shook your head a little. Joel nodded. “Good.” 

“Why are you here?” You asked, voice a little clearer than it had been the last time you spoke. 

“You need to eat somethin’,” he said. “And I owed you.” 

“Why don’t I get to pick the favors?” You glared at him. 

“I’ll still owe ya,” he shook his head a little. “Dyin’ to know what you’d cash it in on.” 

“You and me both.” 

It didn’t take long for the soup he brought to be done and he poured you a bowl of it. He got you both glasses of beer, also from the bag he’d brought. Your eyes went a little wide at your first bite of soup. 

“What?” He frowned. 

“This is good,” you said, going back for another bite. 

Joel laughed. 

“Don’t act so surprised. I’m not totally useless.” 

“How’s your hand?” You asked, looking at his knuckles. He flexed his fingers for a moment. 

“Fine,” he shrugged. “Had worse.” 

You considered him for a moment. He frowned. 

“What.” 

“Why’d you do it?” 

His frown deepened. 

“Do what?” 

You rolled your eyes. 

“Save me. And beat the shit out of that guy. You hate me. Why’d you do it? Was it just that you didn’t want to lose out on the person who will stitch you up in the middle of the night or…” 

“Don’t hate you,” he said, taking a sip of beer. 

You scoffed. 

“You hate me,” you said, taking another bite of soup. The weirdly good soup. “I know you hate me.” 

“How do you know I hate you.” 

“Because I hate you,” you said, though you were starting to think that wasn’t true anymore. 

“Yeah, noticed that,” he smirked a little. 

“You call me brat…” 

“Nate called you brat,” he replied. “And you are a brat. Seemed appropriate.” 

“You’re never nice to me,” you said. “Well, except right now…” 

“You’re never nice to me,” he shrugged. “Didn’t want to make your hatin’ me something that wasn’t fun for you, figured I should be mean back.” 

“Hating you isn’t for fun you dick,” you glared at him. 

“It’s not?” He looked a little amused by it all. “What’s it for then?” 

“It’s for ruining my brother’s life!” You dropped the spoon into the bowl with a clatter and set the ice pack down with a little too much force. “For getting him mixed up in your fucking smuggling operation and getting him involved with the fucking Fireflies and making it so he left town and I’m just left here, alone! I’m alone, I have no one and nothing and it’s all your fucking fault!” 

You weren’t entirely sure when you started crying but you were. The overwhelming, gasping, choking kind of crying that you had to fight to breathe through. You could feel it in your chest, the pressure of the tears building up behind your eyes, every pain you’d suffered the past year welling up and bursting free at once, all of it directed at Joel. 

“Oh, Honey,” he leaned forward and gently took your face in his hand, drying your cheek with his thumb. His legs were on either side of yours. He delicately pulled you against him, your face going to his shoulder, his arms wrapping around you, cradling you securely against his broad body. “I’ve got you, it’s OK…” 

You stayed against him like that for a long time. Longer than you wanted to admit to. But it felt nice to be there in Joel’s arms. You didn’t have anyone here, didn’t really have friends outside of work. Your ex-boyfriend had broken things off a few months back and the idea of dating again the QZ sounded hellish so you just hadn’t done it. Joel, in that moment, felt like someone you had. He was someone that made it so you weren’t totally alone. 

After a while, you’d calmed a bit, your tears slowing and your breaths coming easier. You kept your face buried in Joel’s shoulder, shifting a little so your nose was pressing against his neck. 

“You didn’t answer the question,” you said, voice thick and rough from the tears and your injury. “Why’d you save me?” 

He sat back from you ever so slightly, his hands taking you by the shoulders and guiding you back up so you were looking him in the eye. You wiped your nose on the back of your hand. 

“You might hate me but I never hated you,” he said, his eyes oddly soft and earnest. “Not once.” 

“Joel,” you said quietly. His hand went from your shoulder to your cheek, his fingers threading into your hair. You were suddenly, acutely aware of how little distance there was between the two of you. It seemed like too much. 

He slowly, cautiously moved closer to you, his eyes going from your own to your lips and back again but he stopped just short of kissing you. Like he was waiting for you to close the distance, asking your permission. 

You gave it. 

You pressed your mouth to his and it was delicate at first, your lips brushing his, feather light but electric. Then, Joel’s grip on you got stronger, his kiss growing firmer and more insistent, his tongue slipping into your mouth and tasting you. You let out a little moan, an ache growing between your legs. 

Joel released your face and his hands traveled to your waist and he adjusted as he pulled you closer so that your legs went around him and you were suddenly in his lap. You could feel his hard length through his jeans and you realized that he hadn’t been joking about knowing the size of the knife. You groaned a little, grinding your hips down against him, and Joel moaned into your mouth, his hands sliding down and around your back, fingers spread wide over you. 

“You sure about this?” He asked, peppering kisses along your jawline between words. 

“Yes,” you panted, needy. “I want you…” 

“Fuck, Honey,” he breathed. “No idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.” 

His mouth reached the damaged skin of your throat and he delicately kissed each bruise on your neck, his lips warm and soft. His fingers lightly traced your bruises.

“He still alive?” He pulled back from you enough to look up at you from your position on his lap. You draped your arms over his shoulders and nodded. He frowned. “Shoulda killed him for touchin’ you…” 

“Not worth it,” you said, kissing him again, harder this time. His hands moved to your front, unbuttoning your shirt. 

“Yes, you are,” he said, his mouth close enough that his lips brushed yours when he spoke. “Promise you, you are.” 

He nudged your arms down and slid your shirt off, pulling away from you to look down at your half naked body. 

“Fuck, Honey,” he groaned, his large hands coming to your stomach and spreading warm and wide against you, moving over you, skimming over your skin with his rough fingers. He pulled you tight to him as his hands went for your bra clasp, unhooking it as he pressed his lips to your shoulder. He took it off, too, his hands finding your breasts, cradling them in his large palms, his thick thumbs brushing your nipples. “Jesus Christ, got no right lookin’ this fuckin’ good…” 

He kissed over the swell of flesh before he found your nipple, sucking it into his mouth, licking the tip with his tongue, making you moan, your back arching into him. He did the same to your other breast, his fingers sinking into the flesh of your back like he couldn’t get you close enough. When he released you, he looked up at you, panting and desperate. 

“Lemme take you to bed,” his hands slipped down your back to your hips, pulling you down firmly against his hard cock. “Need inside you…” 

You just nodded quickly and his hands moved to your ass, holding onto you from below as he stood with you in his arms. You let out a little yelp as he did before he carried you down the hall to your bedroom. 

He lay you down so gently on the bed it was almost shocking, kissing you deeply as he did. You fumbled with his shirt until it was unbuttoned and you could slide it off his broad shoulders and cast it aside. Joel moved to your jeans, unbuttoning them and hooking his fingers around them and your panties, pulling them down your body together, crawling back and kissing down your body as he did. 

“Oh Honey,” he said once your pants were on the floor and he was kneeling between your thighs. He was looking down at your dripping slit. He spread your legs a little wider, opening the core of you to his gaze, before he ran a single finger over your folds. He left it against your clit, giving it the gentlest pressure. “You’re so fuckin’ wet. You achin’ for me?” 

“Fuck, yes,” you were practically squirming below him, your whole body raw and needy, the heat in you burning. “Please Joel…” 

“Gonna make you come first, Honey,” his finger started working in slow circles, the pressure growing. “Make sure you’re ready for me. Get this pussy so fuckin’ wet for me.” 

He sank a thick finger inside you, moving his thumb to your clit, and he moaned as you whimpered at his touch. 

“Fuck, you’re tight,” the hand not working your pussy went to your lower stomach, his fingers spread out wide against your skin. “Jesus Christ, you feel incredible, fuckin’ incredible and that’s just my finger, fuck…” 

He worked you harder and you rocked your hips against him, your hands going to your breasts and holding them, squeezing them. 

“Holy shit,” he moaned at the sight. “Fuck, need you to come Honey, need you to come for me so I can get inside you, come on baby.” He added another finger and hooked them up into the softest part of your core, making your breath catch in your throat. You started tightening around him, the heat in you growing. “There she is, can feel it, come on Honey, come all over my fingers, you can do it. Come for me, don’t make me beg for it, baby, need you too fuckin’ bad…” 

You came, gasping his name when you did, your hold on your breasts relaxing as your whole body throbbed with your release. 

“Fuck, there we go,” he worked you through your orgasm, his fingers never stopping. “Doin’ so good coming on these fingers Honey, getting yourself all ready for my cock. Gonna take such good care of you, baby, promise I will.” 

Your body went slack and he smiled and almost devilish smile, sliding his fingers from your body and sucking them clean before he opened his pants and took them off. He climbed between your legs, crawling up your pliant form, kissing a trail up your body until his lips were on yours and you could feel his thick length brushing your dripping core. 

“What if I want you to?” You panted, your hands running over his bare back. 

“Want me to what?” He asked. 

“Beg for it.” 

He smiled a little. 

“Please Honey,” he whispered, his nose brushing yours before he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips. “Please, let me inside you. I’m past fuckin’ want you, baby, I’m past needing you. I swear not havin’ you is gonna fuckin’ kill me. I will beg you all damn night if you want, I’ll beg you all damn year if it’ll make you give yourself to me.” 

You laughed softly, your fingers twisting in his hair as you pulled him closer. 

“Guess you should fuck me then,” you smiled before you kissed him. 

He felt as desperate and needy as he sounded, his thick head catching on your entrance before he pushed into you in one long, firm stroke. You gasped at the stretch of him, feeling every inch of his cock as he opened you to him, the tip of him finding a place inside you that you didn’t think anyone had reached before. You were so exquisitely full it was like your body had been holding space for him your whole life. It was something entirely new, so good you were almost happy the world ended just so you could find a feeling like this. You looked up at him, your eyes wide, wondering if he felt it too. 

“Fuck,” he panted, holding himself within you as your body adjusted to taking him, his eyes searching yours. “Jesus Christ, I’ve never… fuck, Honey, I ain’t gonna last long, you feel too good, too goddamn good.” 

“Joel,” you breathed. It was all you could think to say, every thought that wasn’t him gone from your head. Your pussy was already starting to tighten around him, just from the feel of his cock inside you. “Fuck, please…” 

“You already about to come baby?” He asked as he started to move inside you, slow and heavy at first. You moaned and nodded quickly. He thrust into you, hard and firm. “Fuck, fuck, not gonna last when you come, can I come in you, need to come inside you, fuck Honey I need to come inside you.” 

You just nodded again even though you weren’t on birth control and you sure as fuck didn’t know what was happening between the two of you outside of this bed and the fact that you knew this wouldn’t be a one time thing. It couldn’t be, not when he felt this good, like he’d been made to fuck you and you’d been made to take him into yourself. You wanted him to leave part of himself inside you, plant it deep so you could feel him there all warm and wet tomorrow. 

With your nod, he started fucking you - really fucking you. His cock was so deep when he pushed into you you could feel the thick weight of him pressing up against your skin, like you’d be able to see him inside your body if there was enough space between the two of you to look. He pulled back almost totally, leaving just his head inside your grasping hole before fucking back into you, every stroke hard and desperate and your nails sank into his back as your hips rose up to meet his on every thrust. You never wanted him to leave your body, wanted him to make a home deep inside you so you could always be this full, this complete. His body worked your clit and your pussy got tighter and tighter around him, your head swimming with the pressure of it all, your body so needy it felt like you might burst. 

“Want to come with you,” you whimpered. “Please, come for me Joel, I’m so fucking close, want you to come deep inside me, please…” 

“Fuck Honey,” his thrusts stuttered and he groaned. “Gonna fill you up so good, leave this pussy so fuckin’ full of me, fill you up again and again…” 

He thrust deep, so deep it almost hurt and you felt him start to pulse inside you. Your hands went to his lower back, pressing him impossibly deeper and you cried out as you came around him, your channel milking his cock, throbbing around him until there was nothing left inside him to give to you. 

He collapsed on you as you went limp below him and he pressed a kiss to your shoulder as he panted for breath. He stayed inside you as his cock softened and you could feel him leaking out of you. 

“Holy shit,” he said eventually, kissing your throat and then your chin and then your lips. He kissed you deeper as he slid out of you and lap beside you. You hesitated for a moment but he reached over and pulled you on top of him, so your head was on his chest and your legs were nestled between his own. His cock was wet against your skin and you liked it, the reminder that he’d just been inside of you. “Fuck, Honey…” 

“Yeah,” you laughed a little. His hand went to your back, tracing up and down your spine. 

“Still hate me?” You could hear Joel fucking Miller’s cocky smile on his voice. 

“I will if you never fuck me again,” you kissed his chest. 

He laughed. 

“Don’t gotta worry about that. Even though you still found a way to be a brat during the best goddamn sex I’ve ever had.” 

You smirked. 

“Would it be the best sex you’ve ever had if I didn’t?” 

“Guess not,” he said. “S’it OK if I stay the night? Think we got some shit to talk through but I ain’t got it in me to do it tonight.” 

“If you insist,” you teased, pressing yourself a little tighter to him. He held you a little closer. “Night, asshole.” 

You said it the way you’d say baby or love. You meant it that way, too. 

He laughed a little. 

“Night, Brat.” 

His voice was soft, like it was when he called you honey. Something told you he meant it that way, too.

[povlnfour]

bestie i know it’s called “don’t ask” but i’m dying to know

- for the wip game

oof so you have chosen pain👀 i debated which snippet to post so i chose the one below because i’m here for the Drama. this is the first lewis wip i started writing and it’s. very long and very dramatic heheh

this snippet is also long bc i just love this section of the story so much so enjoy the sneak preview

from the wip game

ੈ✩‧₊˚ DON’T ASK (IF YOU DONT WANT THE ANSWER) — LH44 WIP

pairing: lewis hamilton x f!reader

summary: lewis is in love with you. issue is, you’re engaged. and not to him. he’s content to be your friend, to see you live your life in happiness, until one off hand comment from a fellow british driver changes everything you thought you knew.

genre: angsty, best friends to strangers to ? (no spoilers on the ending here🤭), unrequited love (or is it????)

— running as fast as your feet could carry you, you made it down the stairs with no injury. the door to the farmhouse was swinging back and forth, an obvious sign of which way he had gone. you could hear the gentle patter of rain, and for a moment you hesitated, debating in your head just how much time it would take your white dress to dry, and if you had this before the ceremony began.

this was certainly not how you pictured your wedding day, but marriage be damned if it meant you had to lose your best friend.

“lewis!” you yelled as you sprinted out into the rain, luckily not too heavy but still enough to freeze you to the bone when clad only in your wedding dress.

your heels scratched on the floor, and you could practically see how lewis couldn’t bare to keep walking. his shoulders tensed and he turned, looking for a moment as though he would forget the outburst if you would just go back inside.

freezing but determined, you closed the distance between the two of you, hair surely ruined by now but you’d apologise to your makeup artist later. for now, you just had to know.

“don’t go, please—“ you began to plead, but lewis didn’t let you get any further.

“i have to y/n. we both know why.”

you did. deep down, you knew what he meant; you knew the weight of what lando had said that day. but no matter all the proof, you couldn’t believe it until you heard him say it. “lewis. lew. please.” you took a breath, icy from the cold and held together by a thin thread. “are you in love with me?”

lewis looked at you, the pain in his eyes enough to give you the answer. you both knew, if he said yes, you couldn’t go through with anything today. he knew his problems would be so easy to fix, but he couldn’t do that to you. not after everything you had been through to get to this point.

“please don’t. don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.”

and then he was gone, quicker down the road than your heels would ever be able to carry you.

you shouted his name after him, hoping to stop him from leaving before he made it to the gateway, but it was too late. lewis descended down the hill with such a haste you feared you had broken his heart.

if only you had known, you had done that a long time ago.

[heartcereql]

without you

✩lo’ak sully x fem!na’vi!reader

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒- lo’ak can’t help feeling insecure. you could have anyone you wanted, yet you chose him? ࿐࿔*:･ﾟAll my dreams and all the lights mean Nothing without you ࿐࿔*:･

𝐂𝐖- reassurance, kisses kisses kisses, established relationship, like one angsty moment, english is not my first language.

𝐀/𝐍- lo’ak is so bbg. so sorry for disappearing i had like 9284747 things going on also besties i need ideas for ride bc it’s a masterpiece and i don’t wanna ruin it :(( xxx

pandora’s skies acquired a captivating shade of blue during late mornings, almost reaching midday. flocks of birds could be observed, wandering above the forest, and, if you were lucky enough, there were little clouds hovering above the forest, letting the sun rays warm your skin, without making it insufferable.

that’s why you and lo’ak could spend the morning focused on each other, under the hypnotising sky, talking about everything and nothing, melting into the other’s company.

your head laid on his chest, rising as he breathed, hearing lo’ak’s comforting heartbeat. one of his hands secured you by your waist, while the other one was tangled in your hair.

your mind drifted to the pleasant sensation that you’d always get when you were with lo’ak. he didn’t know, but he was the one that saved you from the dark side of your life no one knew about. he was the reason you kept trying, and you thanked eywa for a man like him.

everyone thought you had it all, but it meant nothing without him.

lo’ak, as head over heels as he was, was starting to feel doubts rotting his brain. you were like a gift fron eywa, to him? why would eywa gift him?

overthinking was clouding his mind. in all seriousness, why him? he often thought of himself as cool, except when it came to the romantic area.

you glanced at his frowning gaze. you kissed the corner of his lips, hoping to get him away from whatever was upsetting him. but he only sent a smile your way, continuing to ponder instants after.

you found yourself frowning now. intertwining lo’ak’s fingers with yours, you caressed the back of his hand.

“lo’ak?” you decided to break te arising tension. “is something wrong?”

“i don’t get it” he mumbled.

you lifted your face from his chest, looking at him with confusion.

“you could have anyone you wanted. you’re literally perfect, in every possible way, and you’re here with me? i’m sorry but it doesn’t make sense” he rambled.

you were now propped on your hands, supporting them on either sides of lo’ak.

you knew that despite his fierce and extroverted personality, lo’ak was insecure when it came to your relationship. and you didn’t mind to reassure him every single time he had doubts, even more, you adored doing it.

“lo’ak” you tried to interrupted him, softly.

“no, i’m serious this time, y/n” he had raised his voice a little. “why be stuck with me when you have all those-“

“lo’ak i’m not stuck-“ you tried to speak again, but he didn’t let you.

“was it out of pity? just for fun? a dare?”

“lo’ak!” you grabbed his face in your hands. “can you hear me for once?”

he went quiet. his name rolling off your tongue tingled his ears, and he took a moment to admire the determined yet gentle look on your face.

“lo’ak, i see you. and i am not with you out of pity or for fun, but because i feel seen with you as well. and i have come to realise that i am nothing without you. all my dreams and all eywa’s lights mean nothing without you”

you pressed a peck to his temple, as a gesture of tenderness.

“everyone is always saying life is beautiful, and they think that i have it all. but may my life be as sweet as vanilla that i have nothing without you, lo’ak”

the hands holding his face were now caressing his cheeks. lo’ak was out of words. he knew you had no problem in reassuring him, yet he had never seen you express it with such emotion until now.

you feather-like kissed the top of his nose.

“i” peck “see” peck “you” peck “okay? and no amount of good hunters or fine suitors is going to change that”

he was mesmerised by your words. as weightless as they could have been taken, they meant the world to him.

he tried to elaborate a worthy response to you. but he was at a loss of words. in the best way possible.

one of his hands went to cup your jaw.

“you got it?” you asked in a hum.

he nodded, leaning to connect your lips. you met him halfway, eager to show him how much he meant to you.

“i got it” he mumbled against your lips.

[choicesfandomappreciation]

Choices Fandom Appreciation Day 1

I know I’m a day late, and have not been super active in this space, but I couldn’t miss the chance to thank some of the amazing people I’ve met here. I know I've missed some friends and I am so very sorry! I will post more

@ladylamrian my bestie, my first friend in this space, you are so talented and kind!! 🩷🩷 I adore all the world-building you have done for Nightbound, your beautiful Alex Clarissa Fontaine and Nik Ryder – you’re so talented, I love your fics and edits!! Also, when will you grace us with some Dino-MC fanfiction??!! But most of all, I appreciate our friendship, always! 🥰🩷

@thosehallowedhalls Cee, I adore you, I hope you know that! 💛💛You’re a kind, wonderful soul, you have brightened this space with your caring and generous presence. And boy are you talented!! I just eat all your works of fiction you’re such a good writer!! I appreciate our chats and your encouragements always, I will write that Sam Rose-Luke Watanabe fic one day! 😅🤭

@storyofmychoices As you know, your Mal and Daenarya are what drew me into this fandom, but your kindness, selflessness and just the warmth with which you treat us are what keeps me here. 🩷🩷 You’re a force of good in this fandom, thank you for all the time and effort you put into hosting events, the choiceskindness space and bookclub – amongst sooo many other things!! You are an immensely talented person, I treasure your art and fics and all your pairings fascinate me. While I adore your creativeness, I cherish who you are as a person and I’m just so thankful I met you!! 💛🥰

@lilyoffandoms I am just in awe at how talented you are!! I adore your art and your writing – your angsty blades fics live in my head rent-free. 💛 If it weren’t enough that you are an all-around supremely talented individual, you are also one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve met, gifting your time and talent to spread joy. 🩷 I really appreciate you and all that you do to make this space welcoming – and I adore seeing your art on my dash!!

@jerzwriter Elsa have always been in awe of your writing chops – you are such a talented and prolific writer, thank you for blessing us with your art 😊 I feel like I got to know you a little more through the Wake the Dead re-read and I really appreciate your kindness, creativity and no-nonsense attitude! 💛 You’ve made me feel welcome and seen, thank you! 🩷🩷 Also, how you’re a force within this fandom, giving so much of your time to spotlight writers, artists and creators. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you amiga!! Can’t wait for more Eli, Zoe, Troy and the gang!

@petalouda85 I really appreciate you! I love chit chatting about our blorbos, your Blades fics and your epic book!! You’re amazingly talented and so kind. I’m really glad I met you through this fandom and happy to count you as a friend 🥰🥰

@peonierose I am so glad I met you and we became friends! You are such a bright light in this fandom, you bring warmth, joy and kindness, even when you are going through difficult times. I appreciate you all the more for it. 🌺🩷 And please know I’m always here for you. I adore the world you’ve built for Luna and Bryce, it’s been wonderful getting to know them through your eyes. 🥰

@aallotarenunelma ma chère amie! J’apprécie énormément ta gentillesse et générosité. Même si on ne se parle pas beaucoup dernièrement, je pense souvent à toi et je t’apprécie comme amie. 💛💛 Tu es si talentueuse, le monde que tu as créé pour ID me fascine. Merci aussi pour ton appui et tes commentaires si généreux pour mes histoires. 🥰 Je suis vraiment contente de t’avoir rencontrée, et de te compter parmi mes amies

@gaiuskamilah Jam! I am in love with your brain! Love love love your BB fics and analysis, also Blades and CoP. You make me stop and think deeper about the lesser-appreciated characters *cough* Gaius *cough* - which I wholly appreciate. And you art!! I adore your art!! 💛

@aria-ashryver You are a supremely talented writer, and such a bright light in this fandom!!! ☀️💛 I admire your positivity, kindness even when you’re going through difficult times. I’m sending nothing but positive vibes your way hun, wishing you good health and positive energy! 🩷💛

@oh-so-youre-a-nerd just am in awe with your art! You’re so amazingly talented, I love seeing you on my dash. And I appreciate your kindness 💛

@choicesmc I am in awe with your creativity, I’ve said it to you and will say it again!! Your writing, your edits, your art – just I’m in awe. 🤩🤩 Love seeing your posts on my dash. You’re a force of good and positivity in this fandom, thank you for sharing your world with us!

@cadybear420: I adore your edits, headcanons and fics, you’re super talented, creative, but also really kind. You spread joy and positivity - I really appreciate you! 🥰💛

@erixadraws you are wonderful, talented and kind. 💛 You art always makes me smile – I’m in awe with how you draw our favorite blades babies. I treasure my modern Mal and Autumn!! I’m so glad I met you!

@angelasscribbles I adore your writing. You’re so talented – be it TRR or your Romance Club works, I devour every. Single. Word. I appreciate the time you put in through the monthly prompts and helping to unleash our creativity! (I really hope to participate more). Thank you for sharing your wonderful writing with us! 💛🥰

@bedtimegiraffe I love your Blades playthroughs and analysis - can't get enough of them! 💛

@rjschoicesstuff I love your art! thank you for sharing with us, and for all the wonderful pieces you’ve created for friends within this fandom. I always smile when I see your art on my dash! 🥰

@kyra75, @tessa-liam, @princess-geek, @rosesnink, @bri1234 you are all such kind presences in this fandom, supportive of others and fantastic writers! I can’t wait to read more of your works 💛

@missameliep Dani, I love your writing! Your miniseries with Troy Safe lives rent free in my head. I can't wait to catch up on your other works! 🩷

@artbyalz I am in awe of your talent! love seeing your art on my dash, thank you for sharing it with us! 💛

@trappedinfanfiction you're a wonderful presence in this fandom! I appreciate the love you give Imtura with your lovely MC Rán! You're a talented writer 🩷

@choiceswithmika, we haven’t interacted much lately but I love seeing your amazing edits on my dash! You’re super talented and so kind to create such wonderful edits and art for us 🥰🩷

@liaromancewriter thank you for sharing your wonderful fics with us and hosting the Choicesficwriterscreations blog and promoting all the wonderful creators across this fandom!! We haven’t interacted much but I’ve always admired your writing and your kindness in this space. 💛

@renninflight and @brycesgirl, I appreciate and value the positivity you spread in this little space, please know you are super appreciated (@brycesgirlforever thankful for your HS screenshots!! 😊)

💛

[fandomgoesahhhhhhhhh]

For an angsty owl house request. Being Eda’s adopted kid and feeling like Luz (who R does get along with) is like replacing you so r goes on a quest to try to love themselves but Eda realises R’s feelings and assures them they're just as important to Eda as luz and king are? Maybe also like, if it's ok, maybe some scenes of Luz and R’s sibling dynamic?

Ah yes. Angst. My fav. Say no more, my dear anon.

Owl House x Reader Headcanon

🦉Mama Eda’s child🦉

Your mom is no other than The Owl Lady aka Eda Clawthrone..well adopted mother, but my point still stands.

She adopted you when you were a little kid, when you had bad parents, before Eda took you in. Now you live with Hooty and King and soon Luz once she came to the Boiling Isles.

Despite being your adopted mom, she isn’t great of showing emotions and showing her softness to anyone, that includes you, but she still love you regardless, she just has a hard time expressing it.

When Luz came around, she seems to take a liking of her and basically treat her like one of her own kids. You didn’t mind this too much, cause you and Luz are like besties..sibling figures if you will.

Though overtime, you feel like your mom replacing you with Luz and overtime, you feel like you’re not enough or worth anything to her.

So when you overheard your mother and your aunt Lilith talk about something that could help with the curse, you immediately snuck out to help out by your own.

Course, this leads you into danger and tries to escape, but end up getting caught and almost killed, but then Mama Owl Lady comes and save you last minute(cough cough Hooty snitch). After she save you from death, she scold you for being reckless and ask what you were thinking..before you just..tear up and told her a little bit of how you feel.

Eda would immediately stop and knee to your height..realizing that your feelings are just as important as King and Luz’s feelings. She immediately comfort you and assure you that you’re important just like them. After a small talk and comfort, you two are amends, even though it’s not forget and forgive..it’s nice to start something a bit small and work it out.

NOW moving to Luz and Reader’s sibling dynamic. You two weren’t get too close at first, but sooner or later, you two warm up to each other.

She introduce you to The Good Witch Azura in which for you slowly interest into the book series. She would also be there for you the highs and the lows and visa verse.

Ofc, every sibling dynamic gonna need a tease every now and then. Though, you’re not too much on romance(maybe you are. Up to you), you would tease Luz about her relationship with Amity and she would playfully nudge you and all.

Overall, you’re all one happy family, even if it’s broken and unstable..love and support matters the most.

(Thank you for requesting this and I hope you enjoy this. I have a good time writing this and hope you’re satisfied with this angst/fluff piece)