#but also kept thinking of alex as a stunt person

[nerdsbianhokie]

Fall Guy

An Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane au

Alex Danvers' life was going great. She was respected as a stunt person at the top of her game. She had steady work. She was falling deeply in love with camera operator and aspiring director Lucy Lane.

Then, a stunt goes wrong.

A broken back and depression leads to her cutting everybody out of her life until a call with a promise that Lucy wants her specifically for a new job pulls her back into work and danger she isn't expecting.

[tryandwalkonwater]

Why Alex Needs To Quit The Monkeys

*let me preface this by saying this post is pure speculation read at your own discretion!

We can all agree Alex has a completely different vibe when he’s a puppet than when he’s a monkey. More carefree vs more guarded. He can be more silly and camp when he's a puppet because he doesn't have the same pressures applied to him as when he is a monkey. He met Miles a bit later in his life and Miles didn't have any of the preconceived notions about him that the band members did. His collaboration with Miles allows him to explore that side of himself that he hides from others. 

Alex’s bandmates are his oldest friends. Having known him since childhood they already have a set idea of who they think he is/who he is to them. And I think Alex does his best at filling this role for his bandmates, even if it's not accurate or authentic.  

Maybe they don’t have anything in common anymore other than the band and their childhoods. And I fear Alex will never spread his wings if he’s around this type of energy. In reality, he’s making his music with his childhood friends turned coworkers.

I think being around the same people for the majority of his life could be what has kept him stuck in the closet. Being in the same situations and around the same people can stunt personal growth. (Personal growth in Alex‘s case being accepting himself)

If Alex were a member of the rainbow community his oldest friends would obviously know. So does Matt and the others encourage him to be his true self? Or does Alex shrink himself to continue to “fit in” with his mates? Does Alex feel like he owes his friends/bandmates something since they’ve been together so long?

Does Alex feel comfortable enough around them to be open and authentic? Or have they discouraged him because it would be a bad image for the band to have a gay frontman? 

The lyrics “over there there’s friends of mine / what can I say I’ve known them for a long long time / yeah they might overstep the line / but you just cannot get angry in the same way” sounds like he’s been disrespected by friends before but he remains loyal to them because they’re familiar and he grew up with them.... 

Is that what he's doing by staying and continuing to make music with the Arctic Monkeys? 

The Mr. Schwartz lyrics also refer to this feeling of being indebted to others "Mr. Schwartz staying strong for the crew" I interpret “the crew” to mean the band. And Mr. Schwartz to be another name for Mr. Snarl, Alex’s false macho man persona. He’s "staying strong" by upholding the band image by continuing to pretend to be a heterosexual. The lyrics "if we guess who I’m pretending to be" support this interpretation as well.

When his macho mask slipped in 2016 it slipped HARD and everything he had been repressing for the past few years came up out on stage with Miles. Fruity/flamboyant Alex is the true Alex but he’s ashamed of his flamboyant self due to internalized homophobia/ external homophobia and possibly pressure from the band to present in a certain way. 

Maybe I'm being too hard on Matt and the guys and it's really the management and label who are the ones putting pressure on Alex to "be straight".

But there you have it, I am of the belief that Alex won’t be coming out of the closet because he doesn’t want to mess up his band's image. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

[gra-sonas]

Roswell, New Mexico certainly knows how to raise the stakes. In the Season 3 premiere, Maria experienced a foreboding premonition that unfolded at a funeral, one that possibly placed Dr. Kyle Valenti in the casket. The Reaper came close to claiming Kyle after he was impaled and bleeding out -- until Max saved him. But then Kyle went missing.

Soon, Alex discovered Eduardo Ramos had been keeping a comatose Kyle tucked away safely, after someone had injected him with an unidentified drug. Now that Kyle is awake and back on his feet, he wants answers… but he might not like what he unearths.

Roswell, New Mexico star Michael Trevino recently spoke with CBR about Kyle's evolution, that funeral vision, the Valenti legacy and possibly directing an episode in Season 4.

CBR: After portraying a hybrid werewolf on Vampire Diaries, what was interesting about playing a normal human in Roswell, New Mexico?

Michael Trevino: It was just that. To be able to play a human, with these supernatural elements happening around you, that you are not necessarily part of, but you are there to reflect the human reaction of that. Being a part of Vampire Diaries, I was in that supernatural element. With this, I couldn't get too far away from it in my career, but it's about reacting to those things.

With Kyle Valenti, it's a role that is definitely more grounded for me, but hopefully, it is grounded for the audience. That's their character they can identify with. How would you react to being in Roswell, New Mexico, hearing about aliens, figuring out that they are around and live amongst you, and that perhaps there are more aliens out there?

Kyle could have been a local cop, a lawyer, a business owner. How happy are you that the writers have incorporated his medical/surgeon profession into the narrative?

Michael Trevino: For one, you figure with these aliens being around and anything going wrong with them, there would have to be some type of medical element. The whole lore of alien and alien autopsies, we need to have a character like that in Roswell. For me, to be a surgeon and then worked into everything that's happening with these three aliens in Roswell, it's big for Kyle.

This season, Maria experienced a funeral vision, and it seems to be Kyle's body in the casket. What were your thoughts on that development and what it meant for Kyle?

Michael Trevino: For me, Kyle seems to be the common thread throughout all the storylines. I'm really happy about that, being on this show and that the writers have done that. Although Kyle seems to be the one helping put out all the fires and he's there for everyone, being a good friend and doing whatever is asked of him, it would make sense that Maria is having these visions. Kyle might, or might not, have something to do with that. We are going to see that play out. Kyle is on everybody's minds. We are wondering what's going on with him. Where is he? That makes the most sense because he's there for everybody else.

The writers have "maliciously" teased and taunted viewers by continually putting Kyle in harm's way. Has that been part of the fun of this mystery, that "will they or won't they kill him" at any given moment?

Michael Trevino: It's safe to say that nobody is safe in Roswell. I do like that they've kept choosing Kyle to tease a bit. There's a warm spot for Kyle. He's a good guy. I watch the show and I'm like, "Damn. This guy is doing his best and trying to be there for everybody. It's a nice feeling."

Considering Kyle was painted as a dick in high school, there's been a lot of growth and evolution from him into a better person.

Michael Trevino: Yes, I believe this Episode 3.09 is a big turning point for Kyle. We find out a little bit more of his backstory. He's finding that out in real time. That can be frustrating. We see that emotion in Kyle. But this is finally where he takes a stand. He makes a hard decision. He's either going to go left or he's going to go right. He's carved out his path. "This is what I'm going to do. This is how I want things to be."

Moving forward, how focused is Kyle on uncovering the unknown assailant, who injected him with that paralytic drug, which left him bedridden?

Michael Trevino: Where we find him, he's reached his limit. He's been there for everybody, and he tries to put out fires. But, in this episode, he's really frustrated and it's kind of taken a toll on him. The last time we saw him, he was in a hospital bed in a barn. It's, "What is going on? What is happening?" He wants more answers. We are going to see him get those answers. But, then also, frustrated because, "Why me? Why is this happening?"

Kyle also learns some startling information about his father, the code that he lived by and more about that creepy little radio. How is Kyle unpacking all of this because it's a lot to take in?

Michael Trevino: He's trying his best to process everything he's discovering. But like anybody else, he has this idea of what the Valenti code is, of who Jim Valenti is, of who is his father. We are in season three. We've come to find out Kyle's father isn't who he really thought he was. That hurts. That's got to be shocking to his world. Very jarring. I feel that we see that in [Episode] 3.09. There's a bit of information that is given out that is very important and catapults Kyle for the remainder of this season.

What do you feel keeps Kyle in Roswell? He's had the opportunity to leave and work in other cities…

Michael Trevino: For Kyle, there might be some abandonment issues because of his father not being around. With that, he doesn't want to do the same thing to others. We've seen how vital he is, how important he is to what is going on in Roswell. He doesn't want to run away from that. And let's talk about the lifelong connection he has with Liz. He doesn't want to leave her not only in harm's way, but stuck with this mess. So, Kyle is choosing to stay and figure out what is really going on.

What else can you preview about what's in store for Kyle in the last block of episodes?

Michael Trevino: Kyle is going to have a lot more to do with what's going on in Deep Sky. He and Eduardo will become allies and work together, to do what they have to do, with Jones.

What was it like having original Roswell star Sherri Appleby direct some episodes, as well as Vampire Diaries creator Julie Plec and your former co-star, Paul Wesley?

Michael Trevino: Speaking to Sherri Appleby, it was nostalgic. She's one of the OGs for the original. To have her come on board and direct an episode -- even for her -- I think it's a full circle in her career. It was a blast to have her on set and be taking notes from her, just because of the connection she has to this story and these characters. Roswell is on the CW. It's on Warner Bros. television. It's a family I have been part of for over a decade. To work with Julie Plec and Paul Wesley, personally, is a great thing. As the years have gone on, our careers are expanding. It's a beautiful thing to watch. This business can be challenging. It can be tough. To see us all, striving to do the best that we can, is great.

You've aspired to step behind the camera. What's the appeal and are you going to get the chance in Season 4?

Michael Trevino: Being in this television world for so long, this is a machine. It takes so many people to produce one-hour of network-episodic television. Being on these sets as an actor has been great and a privilege, and I'm grateful for it, but I want to expand and do a bit more.

In telling these stories, I get very involved in the blocking of scenes or what's going to best service this story when we are in these scenes, doing rehearsals. I find myself figuring things out. I am interested in the camera moves. I am interested in where we are setting up lights. I am interested in everything. I want a shot at that.

After Season 3, I shot a short film in Albuquerque. That was my first time directing and it was such a great experience. I am in post-production on that. I've put it out there. I've spoken to producers. I can neither confirm nor deny if I am getting an episode this [upcoming] season. I'm hoping I will be.

You are on a superhero-heavy network. What are your thoughts on playing in that sandbox?

Michael Trevino: Marvel has obviously been top dog for some time, but DC has been doing some really great things. I feel in this world of streaming, that these television series are just as great as these big-budget feature films. What they have is they can expand on their storylines with these comic book characters. I would love to do one because of the physicality that some of those roles require. I love doing stunts and I'm very athletic. Any type of role that has that physicality to it, I really lean into that. Any type of comic book role that came my way would be a dream.

[fiddlepickdouglas]

Viva Las Vegas, Pt. 15 - Net Zero Change

Summary: Sunset Curve Alive AU, Willex, what’s the truth?, 2.9k

@trevor-wilson-covington​ is the bestie who makes these lovely edits, we stan supportive friends

WARNINGS: death mention, swearing

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14

Alex, Reggie, Flynn and Kyle all sat at a table inside the record store while Willie took care of closing procedures, currently sweeping up around them. Flynn sipped on her soda, eyeing everyone else with a mix of piqued interest and uncertainty.

“I can let you guys stay and talk for about another half hour, but then I’ve gotta kick you out,” Kyle told the three at the table.

“Thanks,” Alex said. “We really appreciate you being so understanding.”

“Not at all,” Kyle said casually. “And Willie’s in the clear, so long as he never pulls a stunt like that again.”

“Thanks for covering for me, man,” Willie said repentantly at Kyle’s rightfully miffed tone.

“I also covered the cost for that jacket, so you owe me for that.”

Alex looked at him, still unable to wrap what had just happened around his head. Climbing somewhere high and screaming felt like an ideal thing to do right then. He wasn’t angry - at least, he didn’t think so - but he still felt like a bottle of Coke that someone had just shaken and dropped a Mento into. His punching bag was already being worn down enough, but since he didn’t have his drums at home it had been a lifesaver recently.

There was Willie, right in front of him, like a miracle. He was so wonderfully unaware of everything, and there was no doubt he hadn’t forgotten Alex. It brought a strange sense of euphoria that battled everything else that had kept his mind dark for so long. He’d used to imagine running into Willie, even for a while after Caleb said he was gone, and thought he’d be the one to catch Willie off guard and rush toward him with joy. Mostly, he’d wanted to knock Willie off his board as slight payback for that one time, but also because it would’ve been satisfying to surprise him for once.

Kyle had gotten up from the table and joined Willie in closing up the store.

“So, you guys all know each other, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah!” Flynn exclaimed. “And I’d like to think that it’s all thanks to me,” she added smugly.

“How so?” Reggie asked in curiosity.

“I helped Willie get into Julie’s concert in Vegas,” she said. “And I’m the reason you two stuck around here.”

Alex looked at her in surprise. Without Flynn, he imagined going with Willie to the Stratosphere or anything else that night wouldn’t have happened. He owed her a serious favor; he wasn’t going to forget that.

“Are you sure you don’t have, like, magic powers or something?” Reggie asked.

Flynn only smiled and quietly sipped her soda again, keeping the mystique for herself.

As Willie disappeared into the kitchen to clean there, Alex looked at Reggie.

“So, do you have as many questions as I do?” he asked.

“Yeah, man,” Reggie said, peeking back toward the kitchen door. “I mean, does Caleb not know?”

“For someone out of the loop,” Flynn butted in. “What’s going on?”

Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took in a deep breath. “So you know how we got signed?”

Flynn nodded. “Uh huh. And congratulations, by the way.”

Alex merely shrugged in acknowledgement.

“Well, the guy who owns the label used to be Willie’s caretaker.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Reggie muttered. Alex suddenly felt a little guilty for missing that detail when talking with the guys.

“Yeah, sorry I forgot to mention it,” he apologized. “Anyway, the day that we signed on, Caleb personally told me that Willie had died in a fire.”

Flynn stared in disbelief.

“Wow,” she said. “That’s fishy.”

“No kidding,” Reggie commented. “But why would he do that? Caleb’s been nothing but good to us.”

“You guys should be careful. He was Willie’s guardian? If his story is that far off, I’d watch out.”

Peering over toward the kitchen, Alex couldn’t get a view of Willie at all. He was dying to hear his side of things.

“I guess we’ll have to see. Flynn, how are you getting home?”

“Oh, I was just gonna take the bus.”

“With your equipment?” he said, already worried. It was a lot for her to be lugging around, whether she could carry it alone or not. “Flynn, let us get you a taxi.”

She looked at him, and he expected her to protest and say she could handle herself. To his surprise, she simply huffed.

“You’re right. It’s getting late.”

“Yeah, and one of us could go with you to make sure you get home safe.”

“I’ll go,” Reggie volunteered. He glanced at Alex and it was clear he was giving him an opportunity.

“Thanks Reggie,” Flynn said. “You guys have gotta keep me updated with everything going on, though. I smell drama. A lot of it.” She finished the last few gulps of her soda and stood up to grab her gear.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” Reggie murmured to Alex, patting him as he rose to help her out.

“See you.”

As he watched them make their way outside, Alex sighed.

“So, Vegas, huh?” Kyle said as he reentered the room, making him jump.

“Uh, yeah,” Alex replied warily. This guy seemed fairly nice, but he could never be too careful about how much he told strangers. He watched him dust the shelves, trying to relax in his seat.

“Willie doesn’t talk about it much, so I’m kinda surprised he had such a reaction tonight. I got the idea he hated the place.”

Puzzled, Alex didn’t respond immediately. He wondered what could’ve happened.

“Well, I’m sure he has his reasons. But when I met him we had a pretty good time.”

“Hmm,” was all that Kyle said as he looked into space thoughtfully before moving on to locking things up.

Alex realized then that he was the only customer left in the store and he’d simply let his friends leave him. His head was certainly not on straight. The time was nearly midnight, and the options of transportation and his experiences with them only dialed up his anxiety. Busses were just weird because everyone could watch him, taxis were expensive and he’d given most of his cash to Reggie, and the chances of having Bobby pick him up were very low.

“Hey,” Willie was standing over him, skateboard in hand. Alex looked up, startled once again, but the feeling of Willie’s hand on his shoulder softened it.

“Hey.”

“Where did Reggie go?”

“Oh,” Alex started. “He’s making sure Flynn gets home safe.”

Nodding, Willie glanced outside.

“What about you?”

Alex rose with a sigh.

“I’ll figure something out.”

They left the store and slowly walked to the corner. Willie still gripped his board as he gazed up at the red hand on the opposite side of the street.

“Do you...wanna walk with me to my place?” he asked Alex. “‘Cuz you look like you want to talk. Then we can find you a way home.”

Sticking his tongue in his cheek, Alex eyed him thoughtfully. It was almost like they hadn’t just spent four months apart - Willie could read him like a book.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Unfortunately, that made him stuff his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket. He’d let himself take Willie��s hand before and have high hopes because he’d let himself ignore reality back then. Even when the guy who he admittedly still had a crush on was back from the dead, Alex didn’t want to tempt fate again. As they both crossed the street, he felt himself hunch inward just as he had earlier with Reggie.

“So, I’m guessing it’s a little weird to see me, since you thought I was a goner and everything,” Willie started nervously.

“Dead,” Alex said, looking at him seriously. “You were dead.”

Willie slowed his pace and sucked in a breath.

“Yeah.”

For a few yards they didn’t speak. Something ate at Alex’s insides, and he couldn’t put a finger on it. Change had always been his worst enemy, but this was a good change. Willie was alive, then he was dead, and now he was back. It should’ve been like net zero change, cancelled out like math. He should be fine about this, right? Why was he not fine?

“Alex, are you...are you mad?” Willie dared to ask.

He paused in his tracks, arms slacking against his sides. Looking over at Willie, then down at the sidewalk again, he nodded.

“Yeah, actually.” Immediately the eating feeling worsened. “I don’t know why that is, but you’re right. I am kinda mad.”

Willie furrowed his brow, but remained quiet for a minute as they continued walking.

“Are you mad at me?” he wondered aloud, finally.

“Maybe?” Alex said, feeling the temperature in his veins rise the more he went on. “That sounds silly, I know, because it wasn’t you who lied to me and put me through absolute agony for weeks on end. You were just the person I thought was dead and so every time I thought about you, it hurt. I don’t even know why it hurt so much. It’s not supposed to hurt when you’re still practically a stranger to me. All I know is that we kind of liked each other and then I thought I’d never find out anything else. I mean, we only knew each other for one day. One fucking day. That was it!”

Alex saw Wilie flinch at the unexpected use of language. A little too late, he realized he should’ve been more gentle. While it was true that he needed to finally release more than just self-pity, it wasn’t worth making Willie miserable for it.

“Wow,” Willie murmured. It already sounded more wounded than Alex could bear.

“That was harsh; I shouldn’t have blown up like that.”

He looked over at Willie to be sure he hadn’t done too much damage already.

“I can’t imagine how awful that was,” Willie said simply.

The pressure that had heated up his veins rapidly began to cool down as Alex realized he was handling this all wrong. He’d momentarily lost control and already saw its potential for harm.

“It’s not you I’m mad at. It’s Caleb.”

“That makes two of us,” Willie told him. “You want to know what really happened?”

“I want to know everything.”

They continued walking along as Willie seemed to try summing up the past few months properly in his mind.

“I don’t know exactly where to start,” he said.

“Well, why don’t you start where we left off?” Alex suggested. It was only fitting that one of them was walking the other home, just like they’d been doing the last time they’d seen each other. There was a funny sense of poetry to it.

“Okay,” Willie began. “I guess what really started it was when we were up on the Stratosphere, remember?”

“Uh huh.”

“I told you that I have amnesia because I had a memory come back.”

“Right, about your dad.”

“You remember this really well,” Willie commented. Alex bowed his head, feeling his lip curl the tiniest bit. “Anyway, I started drawing the things I remembered. And I mean, I drew every detail I could. Even though back then it was just the one about my dad and then the first time that I ran away from Caleb - ”

“Wait, what?” Alex blurted.

Willie cocked his head to the side as he tried to keep the narrative easy to follow.

“Oh yeah that was weird, I had this dream where everything was backwards and it happened like every night and it took me forever to figure out that it was a memory. Anyway, the reason I have amnesia right now? I was trying to run from Caleb because he was a total a-hole and then I got hit in the head!”

Alex looked at his casual expression with mild horror.

“That’s a lot to process,” he said slowly.

“Yeah, I guess he was putting on a face after that, because he didn’t really get nasty until right before I left him for good.”

By the time Willie finished dishing everything to Alex, they had been standing by his front door for a solid ten minutes. Alex could only stand there and let everything turn over in his mind like a taffy pull. Moreover, a pit of dread was forming in his stomach at the same time as a spark of joy grew in his chest.

“So...Harrison Ford?” he said.

Willie smiled. “Much cooler than Han Solo.”

“I still can’t believe you were literally planning to skate your way here. Even I would’ve ruled that out after a minute.”

Lifting a hand defensively, Willie opened his mouth but couldn’t find words.

“I - I will never live that down,” he chuckled.

Alex chuckled in turn. “No.”

For a moment he just looked at Willie. It was the first time that night where his vision wasn’t clouded with questions or overwrought with mixed emotions. This time, it was just as he’d seen him that first moment when they’d sat across from each other at the diner. That was ages ago, but it didn’t seem to have dimmed or faded one bit in Alex’s memory. Here, he was just Willie. It was so nice to see that again.

“What made you come to LA?” he asked. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. 

“You did.” Willie looked right into his eyes as he said it.

The words were plain and honest. Something swelled in Alex’s chest as he heard them. If anyone else had said that - the guys, Julie, even his sister Abby - he would’ve doubted it a little. That was the awful thing with his anxiety is that it immediately twisted everyone’s words into betrayal. Not Willie’s, though.

“Why me?”

Willie got thoughtful, eyes unfocused for a moment.

“I don’t know. I’d do anything for you,” he said, gazing back up at Alex again.

Alex shifted his weight.

“Because I helped you start regaining memories, right?”

It made sense that if he’d been in that position, the person who’d been with him in those moments would mean a great deal to him, too.

“No,” Willie said. “Just ‘cuz. I still like you.”

Alex blinked and his mind emptied of all thought - a feat he’d never imagined occurring. Soon he found himself caught looking into those brown eyes, and instead of wanting to throw in a line, he wished he could plant himself there and spread roots. If it were up to him, he had no desire to go back home and he would just stay happy where he was.

It took a while to realize that he’d slowly begun to lean forward, lips parted as he gazed down at Willie’s mouth. Their noses were just barely not touching, and they hung in the balance waiting for the other to cross that threshold. Willie looked vaguely hypnotized, if not a little indecisive. His thoughts finally caught up to his actions, and once Alex saw what he was doing he turned away.

Dammit, how could you mess that up, Alex? he berated himself. He was already so out of focus and not thinking about the consequences of his actions; he couldn’t go around treating Willie like something else to dump his turmoil upon. Clearing his throat, he straightened his posture. Willie nervously ran a hand through his hair, visibly confused.

“So....” Alex began awkwardly. “You have your own place?”

Willie nodded, not looking him in the eyes anymore.

“Yeah, it’s kinda nice,” he said plainly. “You’ll have to check it out one of these days. You could see Sheldon, too.”

“Yes,” Alex said quickly. “Yes, I would totally be down to come see you and Sheldon. That would be great.”

He hated that the natural cadence in his voice was so sarcastic sometimes. Right now, it didn’t sound genuine at all and he desperately wanted to convey how much he meant every word.

“Bet you’re sort of busy with the band and school and all, though,” Willie said, clearly a little despondent. Alex really wanted to go back and fix the moment they’d had before. He wasn’t making it any better.

“Well, I’m free all next Saturday. You’re not working, are you?”

“I can arrange things with Kyle to get covered. I’m usually on his good side and he doesn’t stay mad for long, so I’m not worried.”

“That’s good.” A pause. “So it’s okay if I come on Saturday?”

“Sure, sure,” Willie rushed to say. “I’m totally down for that. Uh...I just remembered that we’ve gotta get you back home. Did you know how you were gonna do that?”

“Uh yeah, I was gonna just catch the bus,” Alex said, entirely impromptu. After embarrassing himself so badly with Willie, he could override any fears about using public transportation. All he wanted to do was lift his hood over his head and pull the strings so it closed over his face.

“Got it,” Willie replied.

“But I’ll be excited to see you next Saturday,” Alex added. He saw Willie’s eyes light up a little and it made him smile in relief as he began stepping away from Willie’s door. Biting his lip in his usual cute manner, Willie nodded at him.

“See you then.”

Alex exhaled in excitement as he made his way up the steps to the street, barely able to take his eyes off Willie. Only when he couldn’t see him anymore did he force himself to turn away.

[im-the-punk-who]

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@rnmmarchformeta​ Day 1: Tonight’s theme is: Themes

Malex and Music: Tracing a relationship through music used in the show - Part 1

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Given that both Michael and Alex have a personal connection to music, I wanted to go over some of the intricacies of what the music choices and lyrics/stories behind the songs used might tell us about Malex. The music choices in Roswell New Mexico are deliberate and often incredibly pointed. Particularly in the case of Michael and Alex there are elements of their relationship that are not so much underlined as written about only in the lyrical choices that play under their scenes. This choice for me made rewatching the series a lot of fun because as I discovered the lyrics to some of the more obscure song choices I kept discovering new intricacies and motivations for each of their decisions. Below the cut for length.

(Author’s note circa 2007:  (rawr xD) I’m focusing specifically on the parts of these songs that play over or in direct correlation to scenes where Michael and Alex are both present. I would love to explore this theme in the wider context of the whole show and how their interactions with other characters might change some of these but...this is already like 6k and that’s just how the peas and carrots cooked. That said I will be referencing other characters and relationships as relevant, particularly, I will be talking at some length about Milexa and the airstream scenes in 2x06. I personally have a favorable reading of the scenes and what they mean for Michael and Alex. I also talk briefly about Milexa in a few other spots - they’ve been marked as ‘Milexa’ or ‘Miluca’ if you wish to skip them, although I don’t know if this will make sense as a whole without them. But, should you wish. Proceed accordingly. <3)

----

Posted on AO3 here.

Sedona - Houndstooth (1x01)

The first song we hear in relation to Malex is ‘Sedona’ by Houndstooth. The song plays during the reunion as we see Alex confront Michael about the chemicals found around his airstream. The verse that plays underneath the scene references how, due to its scenic beauty, the town of Sedona was once a highly sought after filming location but had fallen into obscurity when cowboy movies went out of style in the late 70′s.

Similarly, Alex tells Michael that he is ‘wasting his life.’

“Does the macho cowboy swagger thing ever get old for you?”

“Did it get old for you?”

For me, this scene is as much an introduction to the past between these two as their present. Gone but not forgotten, their interactions are a ‘script’ that the two of them play off of. In other words, Michael and Alex don’t so much interact as play off of what the other expects from the other. This becomes especially clear when in 2x05 we learn that Alex has at least once before warned Michael about ‘wasting his life.’

When The Truth Hunts You Down - Sam Tinnesz (1x01)

The next scene is this one, in which we see Alex contemplating an old picture of himself. We then see Michael watching him.

Later, the last line is overlaid with Jesse telling Kyle about the existence of aliens.

The truth about Michael’s alienness is quiet literally hunting them, but so is something about Alex’s past. As we get to know him, we learn just how much his father is interconnected with all of the worst moments in his life and everrything he has buried and tried to run from in order to avoid it. Michael, Roswell itself - Alex ran halfway across the world to try to run away from the trauma of his youth, and yet here he is.

“Nostalgia’s a bitch, huh?”

“You know I thought when I got back from Iraq you would be long gone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“We’re not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.” 

We also find out something of the nature of his and Michael’s relationship and that there are clearly still feelings between them - no matter how much Alex is trying to deny it.

Give Me The Night - Des Rocs (1x02)

This is one of my personal faves from the Malex soundtracks. It just *slaps* okay?

Aside from the obvious nod to Michael’s alienness, this song underscores the divide still between Michael and Alex despite the passionate kiss they shared at the reunion. Michael is initially flirtatious and full of swagger - until Alex shuts him down.

The fallacy of Alex’s rebuke and his dismissal of the feelings behind the kiss are underscored by his refusal to even look Michael in the eye as they talk. Even if he tries to deny them, the truth of his feelings hunts and haunts him because he feels he can never act on his own desires. And in turn when presented with the about face, Michael turns bitter as the push-pull is reinitiated. Michael falls back to the script they’ve been rehashing to save his feelings - ‘puts on a show’ as it were, and Alex falls for it hook, line, and sinker. He is still unwilling or unable to see the truth that lies beneath the surface.

“Isn’t there some law about building on a historical site?”

“A historical - oh you mean because the UFO crashed here? Yeah, we’re not supposed to build on Santa’s workshop either.”

For Michael, who at least to me was obviously hoping things would change this time around, this must feel like a bucket of cold water, especially in the face of Liz Ortecho’s knowledge and seeming easy acceptance of the aliens’ existence. While Max might get his happy ending, Michael is left to keep hiding from the person he loves, never being seen and wondering if Alex’s feelings are even real. 

Two Princes - Spin Doctors (1x02) (Miluca)

In rapid fire we have the next three songs as Michael and Alex spend some time at the Wild Pony. This verse plays under the interaction when Alex comes in the bar and spots Michael.

“Though he got kinda hot. In a ‘sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama’ kind of way.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

My boy. My child. My bluntest instrument in the tool kit. Has no one ever told Alex Manes that saying you hadn’t noticed an objectively hot guy is hot is basically code for ‘I haven’t stopped staring at him since I walked in and my brain is not functioning at a high enough level to mask that fact’? Son, please, this is a drunk Wendy’s.

(Also this is huge foreshadowing for Miluca - Michael and Maria don’t have sex *in* a truck but it’s pretty close, we find out later that Michael/the aliens smell like rain, and she tells him he’s not meeting her mother at one point. The angle of this shot is also, for me at least, a hint that Michael is going to become the object of these two ‘princes’ affections, at some point.)

Anyway this is basically poking fun at Alex Manes, repressed disaster, for having no clue what love is and trying to express his affection through like, everything except anything anyone would understand as romantic love. (And we will see this in the flashbacks as well as present day - that Alex mostly uses his station or advantages as a way to show the people he loves he loves them, rather than using words. When he offers Michael the shed, brings him the guitar, uses his military connections to find out about Michel’s mom, hacks into Maria’s computer...listen I got more.) But that isn’t enough, as we’re learning. If only there were some way Alex could also learn that lesson.

And seriously, “This one said he wants to buy you rockets?”

How’s It Going To Be? - Stephen Edwards (1x02)

“Is there really nobody in this world that you wouldn’t risk everything to save? Sad.”

Oh Isobel, if only you knew.

So, aside from returning the kiss Michael initiated at the reunion, Alex has soundly rejected every advance Michael has made for a relationship. Despite that Michael seems to have been harboring some hope that things might be different not that Alex is back more permanently. But now with Isobel bringing into question what he’s willing to sacrifice, I think he might be realizing that toll has been extremely steep already.

(Also truly obsessed with how both Alex and Michael have positioned themselves so that they can casually glance over at each other without arousing suspicion. *Boys*. It’s not that complicated what is this middle school?)

We know that Michael doesn’t like having to keep secrets, and again I have to wonder if he’s regretting not telling Alex he’s an alien, or wondering how that conversation would have gone.

From the previous scenes we can tell something in their relationship is coming to a head - maybe Michael is hoping it’s that he can finally stop keeping secrets from Alex and show Alex who he really is - that Alex will stop misreading him. That Alex will change.

But there is also the expectation that if that happens, Alex will likely leave again. Not just because that’s what Alex’s trauma makes him do, but also because that is how Michael frames all of his relationships. As ‘until you leaves’. He is shown to have a habit of catastrophizing because he doesn’t believe himself to ‘belong’ anywhere(HA) and this is one of those times we’re shown that.

Come With Me - Gold Star (1x02)

“Home can be a person.”

And here we have Alex “thinking about who he was” as Maria closes up the bar. Given where this scene leads with him and Michael, I think the rest of the lyrics to the song are incredibly poignant.

Tell me what were you dreaming? Tell me who were you trying to reach? Gimme something real to believe in Or gimme a reason to leave So i left her standing under shining stars in the Silver moonlight by old Borough Hall - whoever you are

We know that after this evening Alex attempts to rekindle his relationship with Michael, still thinking about who he was, and maybe for the first time trying not to run from what he wants. He’ll be unsuccessful this time, but it’s the first clue that Alex is attempting to break a pattern that has held him in place for ten years.

While he may have been misreading Michael’s stunted growth, we’re starting to see Alex contemplate change in himself. This is the start of Alex’s two season long journey to break out of the fortress he’s built around himself. To ‘put his weapons down’ in an effort to be with Michael.

(She lets her guard down on her way back//to close her eyes and fall asleep - “It was late....I was tired.”)

God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

So clearly the writers were like ‘how can we hurt Milo specifically’ because these lyrics are *so good* as we hear malex talk about the way they view their relationship for the first time in the show.

The music starts just as Michael picks up the old photographs, first of the pod squad, then of himself and Alex playing guitars in the desert. As he packs up the airstream to move it off Foster’s Ranch, Michael is also thinking about the past.

Throughout the series, we’re given a bunch of musical lines about how Michael and Alex can’t go back to what they were, that they have to move forward. And it’s true - as we’ll see over and over again the dynamic they’ve had has been incredibly unhealthy for both of them. But they also cannot avoid the other’s orbit. And when Alex comes to talk to Michael it’s the first time we see him actually decide to initiate - to try and take what he himself wants, rather than waiting or hiding from it. But it is also very much Alex falling back into the ‘madness that holds a truth he can’t erase’ of Michael’s really, very, super, incredibly obvious feelings for him. Our boy is not subtle.

But Alex is still hunted by the past - before we know his history we assume that when Alex references ‘who he was before he went to war’ he means Iraq. But Alex’s war is his father. As much as combat can absolutely be a traumatizing experience, for Alex I never really read that as his main source. As he’ll tell Forrest later - “My PTSD triggers are a little more complicated”.

And so when he tells Michael he’s been thinking about who he was “before he went to war” for me that’s more a callback to who he was before Jesse found the two of them in the toolshed. “When this started.”

As Michael tells him “From where I stand nothing’s changed”  the words “I know, I know, I know” repeat in the background because WE KNOW. We all know, except Alex.

“And that’s a problem for me, Guerin.”

And the siren’s song that is your madness

“Because every time you look at me, I’m seventeen all over again.”

holds a truth I can’t erase

“- and I forget that the last ten years even happened. And then you look away and I remember all over again. And it almost kills me every time.”

All alone on your face

“I never look away. Not really.”

For Michael this is basically confirmation of what he’s been realizing over the last few days - that Alex has been totally misreading him and that yes, Michael, you’re going to have to use your words on this one. 

To which we see Alex’s brain 404-blue-screen for a minute as he realizes what Michael means. Which I personally really appreciate.

And especially since we’ve just learned that a lyric of this song was written on Rosa’s hand the night she died, I can’t believe it’s a coincidence in this being the song that plays underneath this scene - where Alex says he was thinking about who he was before. Everything changed that day for everyone - including Michael and Alex. Michael had gained a terrible secret he couldn’t share, that meant he changed his whole life and started needing to hide and lie and act out, and Alex - not knowing the truth - assumed that it was Michael’s way of trying to push him away and end the relationship. Which leads to the decades long miscommunication of Alex seeing Michael do that over and over again.

For the last ten years, Alex has been seeing Michael as the boy who looks away, then looks back. A Michael whose focus shifts to and away from him and who he sees as wasting his life; directionless and aimless. But as he realizes what Michael is saying he has to recalibrate everything he’s thought their relationship is.

This is possibly the first time Alex has realized that his view of Michael has been wrong. That he really doesn’t know Michael at all.

And we know this interaction has a profound impact on Alex in terms of how he views their relationship. I feel like this is one of those things that becomes a mantra for Alex, later down the line. He repeats it to Michael at Caulfield, and in his song as well, “You never looked away, now I won’t look away” to express his commitment to breaking down the walls he has built up for himself. 

Even though we know the relationship is doomed at this point, it’s the first time a stone falls from the walls Alex has built around himself in a decade.

Here - Chance Peña - 1x03 (Alternate title: “Home”)

Okay I would like to petition to make it illegal to have unreleased songs in episodes, Chance Peña help a bitch out. I had to watch a *fish show* to hear the full lyrics because they’re edited in the show! ( I will also note the next lyric is ‘goodbye, my dear’ which. rude.)

Anyway, we’re given these lyrics as Michael wakes up to seeing Alex has stayed the night. I took the editing, with the previous song choices, to be a reaffirmation of this being something new to Alex, but not necessarily to Michael. Michael knows what he wants from a relationship with Alex - even if he’s put the hope aside from time to time the want is always clear.

For Alex though, a relationship with Michael is something that scares him because of his fear that it can be taken away. (”I just thought that I could be happy, and not be afraid that if I loved anything my dad would destroy it.”) He is trying to make it work - “drawing near” to Michael - but he knows that in order to do that he is going to need to be uncomfortable. To face the fears that have held him back and kept him in comfortable limbo for so long.

I’m also going to flail about how, while RNM has the song listed as ‘Here’, the producer of the other show(Battlefish) identified the song as ‘Home’. I hope I don’t have to yell at y’all, other Roswell New Mexico fans, about how often that word has snuck up on me and knifed me in the back regarding malex. Especially since Alex *is* currently - well, here. With his home. Kill me please it would be kinder.

But then of course we see the old insecurities pop up again as Isobel arrives. Even if he is trying - Alex is nowhere near ready to jump out of the closet yet.

Fast Aint Good Enough - Inkwell Echo (1x06)

I debated adding this one because it’s a little bit reachy, but I thought it was significant in that even when they were seventeen, the thing Alex is ‘afraid of’ is his feelings for Michael - not necessarily of being gay but of what people like Kyle and his father do with information like that.

Wish I’d found the words when we were seventeen-

Kyle asks

“What are you so afraid of?”

-just as Alex catches sight of Michael.

(“I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. It felt good.”)

Aside from Alex’s general need to protect Michael in any and all situations, I feel like the lyrics of this song - about the singer’s attempt to leave an abusive relationship - underscore that even before the toolshed, Alex was fighting. Even before the toolshed, he has been fighting to this cycle he is trapped in.

While he and Michael build their relationship he starts thinking seriously about leaving and not just surviving but he will ultimately choose to trap himself for years in order to hide his love for Michael.

Like so many gay kids, Alex is fighting a system that deems him guilty of sin - and takes his fighting back as a sign of his guilt. And in order to actually be able to love Michael, he is going to have to figure out how to put down the weapons and the hurt and break the cycle.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes (1x06)

Are they serious right now I swear to god.

So obviously, we’ve got the origins for everything we’re told about Michael and Alex’s lives changing based on their feelings for each other in like two and a half verses of song. Forget the entire second season we have everything we need right here.

“It was the first time I liked our hometown, though.”

-

“Alex made me believe there was a place for me here.”

We know that for both of them this is really a moment of self discovery as much as it is a discovery about each other. 

For Michael in particular, who doesn’t know why he’s here or who he really is, and who previously had no plans besides leaving the planet, this is the moment that he realizes what he wants - to be with Alex.

And for Alex, to me, this moment is a brief glimpse into what his life could be like. We don’t have any confirmation if Michael is his first kiss with a boy or not, but we do know that this moment is significant in that it’s the first that makes Roswell feel like a place he enjoys being.

And as he is realizing that, the lyrics echo it -

But I realized that I need you // And I wondered if I could come home

(Screeching from the background: WOULD YOU COME HOME)

But of course, as the song says, these things take forever because...well....

(It’s because Alex is dumb. My poor dumb emotionally stunted child. Please go to therapy.)

In essence, this is the moment that sets Michael and Alex on their entwined path. The path that Alex will have to fight to get back to - the path Michael will lose faith in before he later starts to regain the hope that it exists. I also like to think about the link between the last lines:

Remember the time you drove all night // Just to meet me in the morning?

and the line from ‘Would You Come Home’

Would you meet me in the middle // Could we both stop keeping score?

I like to think about the parallel here, about meeting people where they’re at, and the love and care and effort it takes to be willing to drive all night to meet someone. Listen a bitch is soft and gay don’t look at me.

You Can’t Love Me - Novi & Tyler Blackburn (1x12)

(*Whispers and rocks back and forth* this is fine it’s all fine)

Once again we have a song whose lyrics give us a tailor made road map to Malex, and will pop up later in ‘Would You Come Home’. We’ve already seen the implosion of the way Michael and Alex have been orbiting each other for a decade, but now that Alex knows the truth, he actually has the ability to understand Michael in ways he hasn’t been able to before. (Something we’ll see later in Season 2 when he talks with Maria.)

And because of that, we see the true beginning of the journey of Michael and Alex back to one another in a healthier way.

But part of that journey is going to be realizing that what they’ve been doing and the way they have loved each other in the past isn’t sustainable - and maybe isn’t even the way they want to love each other.

“They’re my family, Alex!”

“Alright, maybe! But you are mine. I don’t look away, Guerin.”

“No. We’ve been holding onto this thing. And it’s gotten us nowhere. Just let it go.”

Even though the words are said in anger, there is some truth to what Michael says. Their relationship so far hasn’t been a good one. Where Alex is trying to repeat the words that Michael said to him that made such an impact on him, Michael is (well, a, trying to save his dumb boyfriend from getting flambayed) using the opportunity to reveal how little faith he has in their relationship. To say that no, this doesn’t feel like love.

But as much as the song lyrics are about loving someone who isn’t good for you, they’re also about changing and growing, and about a commitment to be better.

(Sound familiar? Brb, I’m gonna go jump off a cliff.)

Love is messy, and especially for Michael and Alex, love has always been something that hurts. “Home is where the hurt is” - and a really important part of their journey is realizing that, and realizing there is a different way of loving each other.

Additionally for Alex, this is when he starts to realize the full extent of his family’s involvement in hunting and hurting Michael’s family. It isn’t just his dad - his entire family line has been involved in this since before Alex was born. And still is. This is really where he starts realizing the roots of the guilt and shame he’s going to have to deal with in order to be anything to Michael - not even a partner but a friend.

This is the first step in that journey. Not just the commitment that yes - I want to build a home for you - but that first, I don’t know, maybe I need to put down these weapons and pick up a different set of tools?

ON TO SEASON TWO

[handlewithkara]

@chassycat-original​ It’s not that it isn’t possible , but I do think that it is a slightly different situation here. I'm by no means an expert on Supernatural, I mostly know it through general slash fandom cultural osmosi, but my impression is: . 

As flimsy as compared to years and years of canon it might be, Destiel does have at least that one concrete scene where a third party character taunts Dean that Castiel is in love with him. So they have opened the door to there being a romantic element. Stories have started on lamer sparks (like parallel universe evil gay vampire Willow)

this supposedly is from the script: 

(I think the can’t reciprocate is the bit that sounds suggestive, if this was just a friend I Love You, why should it be a big deal to say it back?)

My personal, fairly uninformed guess on the situation is this: so they came up with the idea of Castiel. They had an idea for an arc for him and then he was supposed to leave. 

But he was popular, so they kept him around, but he was aimless for a long time (again, we are not talking a season or two, we are talking 10 seasons!). 

And they decided already a while ago that Dean was going to be the main character Cas is linked to and the reason why (in universe) Cas is staying around. 

And then for the end of the show they decided that Castiel's motivation is that he loves Dean (or that they are going to expand on the love that was already the motivatino).

Again, keep in mind that I haven't followed SPN like, ever, closely, and I haven't read a writer interview from them in my life, so I'm just going on stereotype of how such things usually go. I could pictuer that maybe if you pressed them they might say something like "Cas loves Dean and it's sort of romantic, but it's kind of angel romantic, which is about half human romantic" and "Dean cares a lot about Castiel, Castiel means a lot to Dean". (if I'm totally off base and there are writer interviews where they say something else and more concrete, please link me)

For what it is worth, I do think that this can be argued to be an instance of the infamous queerbaiting, regardless of how the relationship ends up being defined, regardless of whether Destiel end up romantically, ambiguously romantically, confirmed one sided romantic or just generally ambiguous (or even confirmed "no homo"). 

The base line is that they set up a heavily ambigous scene, right as the show is about to end. And all those youtube videos show it pretty clearly, it's many people saying "I haven't watched Supernatural in years, but I saw it was trending, so I checked out the episode and I now will watch those remaining episodes like a hawk to see whether they follow up on it or screw it up". 

So they are using the ambiguousness of the situation to drum up interest in their series finale. 

Okay, let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are not using it, they just wanted to tell the story that makes the most sense of the characters in the last few episodes. 

They are still really heavily benefitting from this. So the very least they could do would be do a press release where they were clearly state what their intentions are (would be even better is to announce it beforehand that it was coming). Because otherwise it will always come across like a stunt to get attention and ratings by keeping people guessing, rather than something genuine on their side. (yes, a press release or big tv magazine interview is always going to have a lot less reach than the episode itself, but if they did it like that, one could at least say they tried their best not to present it as a “gotcha!” moment)

Why does it smell bait-y to me (again: not an expert, based on what how I have read queerbaiting described)? If they had made it clearly platonic rather than ambiguous then people wouldn’t have this motivation that they need to keep watching to see if there is follow up. Similarly, if they had made it non ambigous, like if they had thrown a romantic kiss in there, then any people who do have a problem with it might have a reason to drop out and not watch the last few episodes because they dislike the direction of the show (even if one takes position that the I Love You is unambiguous, Castiel gets removed from the story instantly. if they had shared a kiss and then Cas disappears, Dean in this scenario would still be unambigously mlm and his story would continue). By keeping it ambiguous they are optimizing their hypothetical viewership for the last few episodes. And the critique of queerbaiting is that that is pretty immoral. Either you jerk people along when you have no intention of delivering or you keep a story restrained in order to maximize your viewership appeal with hypothetical homophobes. 

There’s also another aspect. Let's talk about this as a hypothetical best case scenario for Destiel. 

3 more episodes left. 

Episode 1: Castiel declares his love for Dean and gets disappeared into The Empty

Episode 2: A stunned Dean cries to Sam "OMG, Castiel told me he loves me, I'm heartbroken, I don't know what to do with myself, I should have said it back"

Episode 3: They fight the big bad, suddenly Castiel emerges from The Empty, they beat the bad guys together and Dean throws himself at Castiel and they share a hefty tongue kiss before riding off into the sunset together

Supernatural is a show that has had 15 seasons. FIFTEEN! And Castiel has been around since season 4! 

Look I would never begrudge the fans if they were happy over that hypothetical 3 episode best case scenario. I get it. But as an outsider, I can't help but think: really? You had so many seasons to give Castiel an actual mlm storyline and you didn't? Let's say you decided only recently you were going to do that recently. You could still have had this in the first episode of the last season rather than in the almost the last. 

For what it's worth, I have NEVER bought into the idea that the CW is just that homophobic that they forbid a storyline like that. We can all see that the CW is absolutely chill with wlw pairings left and right, including pairings for lead characters (Batwoman, Legends of Tomorrow). 

I agree that the case is slightly more sketchy for mlm pairings. Though I do think that it is worth noting that they apparently were okay for it for both Captain Cold and Constantine on Legends of Tomorrow). I get that maybe the situation is different for SPN, since SPN was one of their steadiest performers and anchor to their schedule for a long time while Legends is like this cooky little show with barely any ratings or attention. AND Legends is an ensemble piece where maybe it's easier to sell making one of their characters mlm. (for what it is worth, I have never read a single interview about Legends that suggested that it was any sort of big deal or fight to be allowed to make Leo and Constantine on screen gay). 

So yes, it is not completely impossible that the CW is homophobic in this really thin slice (mlm characters, but only on their main male dominated steady rating show), but I can’t help but being skeptical when this accusation has been thrown around so many times in situation when it clearly didn’t make any sense. (their long list of wlw characters proves they have no problem with adding wlw characters, Legends and Batwoman prove they have no problem supporting shows with wlw leads, The 100 and Sara Lance show they have no problem adding it retroactively to characters who were intially planned or perceived to be straight) 

Constantine they couldn’t or wouldn’t show as bisexual when he was still on NBC, he had to come to the CW for that. Alex Danvers couldn’t or wouldn’t be shown as a lesbian when the show was still on CBS, she had to come to the CW for that. I think CW has shown over and over and over again that it provides a home for gay characters, I think people don’t give them enough credit if they so easily act like it’s obvious they must be the badguy as not their writers or showrunners who maybe just have a different vision or were themselves the ones too afraid to ask the network or were themselves the ones who had those audience concerns without the network ever expressing any opinion on it. 

[luninosity]

One more @whumptober2020 fic for today!

For theme 19 - Broken Hearts - specific prompts: grief & mourning loved one; and theme 29 - I Think I Need A Doctor - specific prompt: reluctant bed rest.

Back to Jason and Colby, for this one! And the anniversary of Jason having lost someone significant - and some more hurt!Colby. He’ll be fine, though! I promise!

#

“Resting,” Jason said, meaningfully. “You. Bed.” He had a hand on Colby’s shoulder, a reminder. The bed perked up under Colby: doing its job.

 Colby sighed. “I’m really doing all right.”

 “You are, but you’re also recovering.”

 “It’s not as if it’s even terribly—”

 “You were,” Jason said, as calmly as he could under the circumstances, “in a fucking explosion. And got knocked out.” The stunt had gone wrong. Explosives too early and too strong. Something not measured right on the part of the demolitions crew. Colby hadn’t been far enough away. He’d hit unforgiving ground hard.

 Jason, not in that scene, had been watching from behind monitors. Had run, heart in his throat. Colby had been waking up already, but slowly, dazed and bewildered about how he’d landed on the ground, when Jason’d flung himself down beside blue eyes.

 Concussion, the doctors’d said. Not too bad, but needing rest and care. No strenuous activity for at least a couple of days, assuming nothing got worse. Nothing seemed to be, though Jason’s heart wasn’t convinced of that.

 “They didn’t say no working on the novel, specifically…” Colby tried, plaintive.

 “No exerting yourself physically or mentally, and you know it.” He touched Colby’s temple. The lights were low; they’d been too bright, earlier. “No screens. So no laptop. Your next genius collaboration with George can wait. How’re you feeling?”

 “Tired. Bored. I can’t even look up banana bread recipes?”

 “Not yet.” He ran his hand over Colby’s head, gentle. “I can do some baking. If you want bread.”

 “Maybe later.” Colby shut both eyes, leaning back into pillows and Jason’s touch. “I’m not very hungry, at the moment.”

 Jason’s chest tightened. “Something not feeling right? Nausea, headaches, like that?”

 “Just a bit…”

 “Want me to call someone?”

 “They said it was normal, and it should go away on its own, and—”

 “And if it doesn’t,” Jason said levelly, “then I will. Okay?”

 “If it gets worse, you can.” Colby opened his eyes again. “I wish I could remember more. It’s disconcerting. One minute I’m being Cam, running out of the warehouse, perfectly in character…and then I woke up lying on the ground with far too many faces hovering around me. I don’t even recall that very clearly; I know you were there, and Evan, but it’s all sort of foggy from there to a hospital room. It’s such an odd feeling, knowing there’s something missing.”

 “That’s normal too,” Jason said, reminding them both, and reached over to get the cup of water. “Here. Stay hydrated, at least.” He hated the small quiver in Colby’s voice. He hated that Colby’d had to be hurt again, to face tests and strange-if-professional hands on him again, to have a gap in memory.

 And today, today, of all days…

 He couldn’t think of that. He’d been trying not to think of that for a while now. He’d known what anniversary it was. Evan did too, and they’d looked at each other that morning, running through stunt choreography one more time; Jason had guessed they’d probably want to talk, or drink, later. He hadn’t mentioned it to Colby then. He’d planned to.

 And then the world had imploded, and now they were here. In a luxurious hotel suite in Vancouver, not in a hospital, but with Colby very much injured. Jason’s lungs didn’t feel like they’d taken a full breath ever since the explosion. Or earlier. This day, and now this…Colby, and—

 An older body hovered, when he rubbed his spare hand over his face. A friend. A good friend, the best, really, because Charlie had been the sort of person who’d happily teach a younger colleague how to do a kick or a fall or a vault across rooftops, sharing knowledge without jealousy; Charlie had been the sort of person who’d come over, bringing food and cheerful competent company, when Jason’s father’d been so badly injured decades ago; and Charlie had been kind to both his own younger brother and to Jason and to everyone, and then—

 He tried to breathe some more, through the hurt. Through the anniversary. He knew Evan was hurting too.

 It’d been most of the day, now. Late afternoon. He wished he could do more about the edges of sun slanting in around curtains. Colby needed dimness. Quiet. Soothing.

 They’d been filming at dawn, first light; he’d been able to bring Colby home after a few hours. Colby had slept, on and off; sleep was good for healing, though Jason’d been told to wake him every two hours to check on his awareness. Colby seemed fine so far, if mildly distressed by the amnesia surrounding the impact.

 Colby shifted a fraction; Jason realized he’d been holding the water and its straw in place way too long, and hastily set it down. “Sorry.”

 “It’s fine. Are you at least allowed to read to me?”

 “Probably? Nothing that’s work, though.” He picked up Colby’s hand, played with slim calligrapher’s fingers, surreptitiously tested Colby’s pulse. Seemed fine. “New Alex Castle novel? Rival steampunk magicians falling in love?”

 “Yes, if you wouldn’t mind. It’s in my bag, from yesterday—”

 “I’ll get it. Don’t move.”

 When he came back Colby was setting down a phone, looking suddenly guilty. Jason said, “Don’t tell me you were doing work,” but kept his tone very light: Colby even these days instinctively flinched from disapproval, a legacy of older emotional wounds. “I love you, babe, but no, okay?”

 “I, ah. I wasn’t attempting to work. I promise.” Colby sounded nervous but not afraid; he met Jason’s eyes. “Just checking something. Entirely quick. Finished, I swear.”

 “I already texted Jill and Andy, but if you want—”

 “No, it’s fine, they know I’m fine.” That was an exaggeration. Colby’s two best friends had heard about the accident via industry connections and Andy’s husband’s fingers on the pulse of the internet. They’d been worried; they still were.

 Colby added, “Very well, not entirely fine as such, you don’t have to say it. Come sit with me?”

 “Of course.” He settled down next to his heart, in bed; the padded headboard took some weight and offered some reassurance. He waved the paperback, with its swirling blue magical cover. “Tell me where to start.”

 “Oh, we can start from the beginning, I was only a chapter or so in. But, before that…” Colby bit a lip, watched Jason’s face. “Er…may I ask you about something?”

 “You don’t need to ask me whether you can ask—” He took a breath, let it go. He knew about those “Please. Please ask. Anything you want, cream puff.”

 The occasional nickname made Colby giggle, though his eyes remained anxious. “I only wanted to…if I can, ah…you see, I do know what day it is, what anniversary, and…and I know this likely isn’t how you wanted to spend it…”

 Jason had opened his mouth. No words emerged. He set the book down without thinking. It landed safely next to Colby’s leg.

 That anniversary. Today. Charlie’s body, sprawled at the side of a diving tank, lifeless and limp, because a stunt had gone wrong then too—because it’d gone wrong right before Jason’d arrived, coming to meet him and grab lunch and talk about respective movies—because Jason hadn’t been two minutes earlier, hadn’t known, maybe couldn’t’ve done anything that everyone else hadn’t done, but he’d never know, he couldn’t go back and make himself drive faster or walk faster or—

 Because he’d been there, he’d known before Evan had. Before any of Charlie’s family had. He hadn’t been the one to call them—too blinded by shock—but he’d always thought he should have. As a friend.

 Years ago—decades ago, really, now. Still vicious, that memory. Under the surface most of the time, a part of him, familiar and well-worn; but every once in a while it bit hard. On a certain day.

 He knew Evan didn’t blame him. Evan never had. And they’d become closer friends, slowly, through the aftermath: stumbling among emotions, catching each other.

 And Evan, who was working as the choreographer for this film’s fight scenes, had been at Jason’s side today, waiting for Colby in the hospital. Right there to lean on. Holding his hand.

 Colby did know the story, of course—had known that story for a long time, almost since the beginning. But Jason hadn’t remembered the exact date ever coming up. He was pretty sure he hadn’t said, back when they’d talked about it, though he really had meant to say something to Colby that afternoon.

 He looked at Colby. Colby, injured and tired but hopeful, looked back, eyes all big and sweet.

 Jason swallowed. Found words, scraping them together out of love. “I don’t want to be anywhere else. Not right now.”

 “I do know you wouldn’t leave me alone. Not even temporarily.” Colby reached over. Collected Jason’s limp hand. Jason’s hand was larger overall, though Colby’s grip was surprisingly strong. Protective. “I thought perhaps…you might want to talk. And I’m here, of course. I’m always here if you want me. But if—”

 “I said I’m not going anywhere.”

 “No. But—”

 This time a text interrupted. Jason’s phone. He eyeballed it, annoyed. Colby said, “It’s Evan. He’s outside, and I’m guessing he didn’t want to knock? Making noise?”

 Jason paused. Took this in.

 “I thought, you see, if I’d never convince you to go anywhere…and if you wouldn’t mind me being here…if I asked him to come by…and he said yes, of course…” Colby nibbled his lip again. That spot was turning pink. “Er…was that all right?”

 Jason reached over. Set a finger on Colby’s mouth. “That’s not exactly no stress.” His voice came out very soft, mostly from amazement. Colby, in pain and dizzy and unhappy about gaps in memory, was still trying to take care of him.

 “I want you to be all right as well,” Colby said, when Jason lifted the finger. “I need that. Please let me be here. For both of you, really; Evan’s my friend too, now, I think? Not the way he’s been yours, but at least a bit?”

 “He is. And you’re—Colby, you…” He gave up. Shook his head. Leaned in for a kiss: tender, cautious, shaky with love and aching emotions, stretched and knotted up and given a beating today. Colby kissed him back, not tentative at all; Jason murmured his name again, and couldn’t resist just a little more tasting of him, a swipe of tongue, a nuzzle after.

 He said, “I love you so damn much. You know that, right? I just—I love you.”

 “I know. And I love you just as much.” Colby waved a hand, adorably and grandly imperious but not seriously so. “You may want to go and let him in.”

 “You don’t move,” Jason said, and got up, rediscovering some equilibrium in the process.

 Evan was leaning against the wall, texting, when Jason opened the door. He looked up, all fluid Krav Maga instructor’s grace and the same brown eyes and straight nose he and Charlie had shared; they’d always looked alike, even moved alike, though Evan had always been younger and just shorter enough for jokes about it. He said, “Hey,” and lowered the phone.

 “Hey,” Jason said. “So…you and Colby were planning things, huh? Also, say hi to James for me.”

 “I will. He’ll call me later.” Evan’s boyfriend was busy filming an old-fashioned detective thriller in Norway, though they talked constantly and sent each other pictures of ice cream shops and historical monuments. Jason cautiously approved of James, who seemed to’ve handled the whole revelation of Evan’s asexuality with pure and reaffirmed adoration, and who also looked at Colby Kent with the awe of someone in the presence of an acting genius.

 “He worries, too,” Evan said, “he knows what today is,” and Jason nodded, because that meant Evan had told James, which meant Evan trusted James that much, which was another point in favor. Evan also held up a bottle. “Sparkling water? Elderflower-blueberry flavored? I thought about actual alcohol, but it’s not like I drink much, and Colby can’t, right now, anyway. How’s he doing? He said he was fine when he texted, but, y’know.”

 “Perfect.” It was. Jason held the door for him. “Colby’s…okay. We’re keeping an eye on him. But he’s recovering. Like they said.”

 He heard the words as they hit the afternoon, in his own voice. They were, he realized with surprise, true.

 Colby was hurt, but was recovering. Getting better. And that was okay.

 They’d all be okay, he thought. Together.

 Evan peeked into the bedroom. Waved at Colby. “So you found a way to get out of your next training session with me, then.”

 Colby laughed. “As if I’d want to. Come in, please. Jason offered to bake us banana bread later.”

 “Did I?” Jason said. “Fine, I did.” Their suite had a kitchen. They’d done some shopping. He was pretty sure they had all those ingredients. “Here, I’ll pour that.”

 “Oh, that sounds delicious, thank you—”

 “I know you like interesting flavors,” Evan said, grinning; and took the other chair. “Jason, my parents say thanks for the donation to that charity, by the way, and also they’d love to say hi to you sometime. Kittens, this year?”

 “Good,” Jason said, “it got there, then.” He did try to, every year. In Charlie’s name. Different charities, but all things he’d liked. Kittens had been one of them; Charlie and Evan’s family had always had cats. “I’ll give them a call. Or we can, maybe.” He glanced at Colby. “Everyone.”

 “Maybe, yeah.” Evan accepted a glass when Jason handed it over. “So. To family, then?”

 “Yeah.” Jason sat back down on the bed, arm around Colby, who leaned against him, bright-eyed and alive and real. “To family.” They clinked glasses; Jason kissed the side of Colby’s head, after. Colby’s blood relatives were uniformly dreadful; Colby was part of his family, now. The family they’d found and chosen and built, together.

 “So,” Evan said, to Colby, “did Jason ever tell you the story about the time he and my brother snuck a classic Chevy off the set of an astronaut movie, picked me up, and took us all to the beach for the day? It was awesome until we were about to leave, and the car got a flat tire, and of course they were these fancy historical replica tires, so there’s us frantically calling everyone we knew to find a replacement, and not calling anyone who knew Jason’s dad, so it was harder than you’d think, because Luca knows everyone who knows anything about classic cars and the movie industry…”

 “I remember Charlie saying he was going to pretend he didn’t know us,” Jason said. “He wouldn’t’ve, and we knew it, so it was a joke…”

 Evan pointed at him, and quoted, with full dramatic effect, “Neither of you is my brother! I am an only child!”

 “Oh, no.” Colby was laughing. So was Jason, because it’d been spot on. “What’d you do?”

 “Gave up and called Jason’s dad. Who’d known since the first phone call, because he’d been on a call with that garage owner at the exact same time.” Evan swung both shoeless feet up to rest on Colby’s bed. “It’s a good thing your dad’s very cool. I mean, he wasn’t thrilled, but he figured we’d suffered enough, with the panicking and all. He handled it.”

 “For years,” Jason said, “for years, after that, any time the three of us were together, and one of us did something embarrassing…”

 Colby’s eyebrows went up, amused. “ ‘I am an only child’?”

 “Exactly.” Evan nudged Colby’s foot with his. “Exactly that. Did Jason tell you the Pumpkin Cat story? I wasn’t there when they found her, just when Charlie brought her home, so Jason should start it.”

 “Pumpkin Cat?” Colby inquired.

 “Yeah. It’s a cute story.” Jason cuddled Colby a little more, liking the warmth, loving the shape of him, the presence. The lights were low and tranquil, and the bedroom tucked its walls around them, and Colby was slowly sipping sparkling water, awake and alert. They’d be back at work in a few days, and Colby would be all right; tension unwound, eased by berry-flavored water and words.

 He knew Colby’d be all right. They all would.

 He said, “We were working on this terrible low-budget horror movie, about a haunted scarecrow with a pumpkin head that comes alive and murders people…”

 “That sounds…improbable.”

 “Don’t even ask about where the cursed cornstalk spear fits in. Anyway, we walk onto set one day, right past the prop head, this giant fake pumpkin, and the pumpkin squeaks at us in this tiny little kitten voice, and Charlie runs over to look, and there’s this tiny orange baby stuck in the light-up mechanism, and he just dives right in to get her out, right as the director walks in, so all the guy sees is Charlie halfway into a pumpkin head we’ve been told is a delicate piece of prop equipment, so he stops right there to yell at us…”

 “At which point,” Evan said, “my brother, being my brother…”

 “Jumped up, held out a kitten, and said, ‘look, I found your ghost!’” Jason finished. “And everyone cracked up, because nobody ever could stay mad at him.”

 “And that’s how we got Pumpkin Cat,” Evan said. “Cat number three, when Charlie brought her home. Cat number four, by the way, was Jason’s fault.”

 “He sounds so lovely,” Colby said. “Like someone I’d’ve liked to meet.”

 “He’d’ve liked you,” Jason said, and Evan said it too, at the same time; they glanced at each other, and at Colby, who got a little more shyly happy and offered, “It’s an honor? And how was your family’s fourth cat Jason’s fault?”

 “So motorcycles are nice and warm in the winter,” Jason said, “and cats like to be warm, and my mom’s allergic, so we couldn’t keep him…” and reached for more sparkling water for a refill for Colby’s glass.

[ftkd-arts]

this is just a dump don’t worry about it

And i’ll break their ass down

Felicity Smoak

How I feel about this character

I’m love her. Felicity is the main reason why I kept on my Arrow binge, and now it’s one of my favorite shows.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Oliver, of course! Let’s go down the list, in order of which I shipped them; Sara, Alena, Nyssa, Black Siren. Probably more but i haven’t rewatched the earlier seasons in a while

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Curtis, bffs

My unpopular opinion about this character

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

More badass moments. Felicity is an amazing hacker, but I truly believe she would have advanced in the field as well if trained. Sure, I love Morally Gray! Felicity, but this part of her was quickly demonized by her friend group and I dunno that’s just uncomfortable for me. Felicity ain’t allowed to carry a gun so she can feel safe? She’s been kidnapped how many fucking times and Oliver’s throwing a shitfit now that she has the means to protect herself? It just doesn’t make sense. I feel like Oliver would object to Felicity killing, but also, she’s already commited mass murder? That’s the entire reason Ragboy left? Like she’s already killed people, Oliver, she’s been to the dark side before, dude, you can’t “save” her. I think he would’ve been more likely to train Felicity so she can defend herself properly so the gun wasn’t her only source of defense just in case it was used against her. Honestly all the teams need to train their more brainy members how to fight in general, you cannot have a person involved in something that could get them killed and not do that guys

Killer Frost (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

TSUNDERE BABE

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Caitlin, OTP. I’ve never created so much art for a pairing before, whether it be fanfics or drawings. Silver Banshee and Livewire is my favorite crack ot3 for her. Probably makes passes at all her boys’ girls, like Iris and Kamilla and Sue

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Ralphie! They’re bros

My unpopular opinion about this character

Gagagagagagagaagay, socially awkward tsundere, just wants to be loved, will punch you in the face if you find out, panic attacks 24/7, so much anger issues

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

More soft moments with the team. I think she and Iris would work really well as passive-aggressive friends, y’know the type whose love language is insulting each other constantly

Cisco Ramon (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

I wuv him. Third favorite in the Flash, behind Frost and Cait respectively. Long hair, don’t care, nerd boy, i have a big gay crush on him, I really connect to his whole ‘i-was-emotionally-neglected-by-my- parents-and-fictional-characters-raised-me’ vibe. Also hair. pwetty. run hair??? run fingers through hair? ples

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Alright I’m poly and a multishipper so this is gonna be a long one. Keep in mind that I personally headcanon Cisco as bisexual aromantic, but as a subset identity called cupioromantic; my basic understanding of it is that though this label has no romantic feelings, they desire relations that are romantic-esque. Let’s go down the list! Ralph Dibny, Sue, and Kamilla as an ot4 absolutely melts me, Iris and Cisco are so good but Barco is neat too! Them as an ot3 could be so cute. Ronnie x Cisco is a gem. OH and he and Hartley used to date but broke up

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Caitlin of course! They’re best bros! The nerdy scientist and the professional doctor, both emotionally stunted idiots. I like to think they bonded over a shared love for horror movies, and that’s how they became friends. Also a bit of Killer Frost! Of course Cisco would have some relationship with his best friend’s alter. They’re not best friends (Frost considers Ralph her best friend), but they’re close. He introduced her to Game of Thrones. Frost calls him “Cissy,” “Transco” and “Vibeboy.” Cisco overuses “White Walker” way too much when talking with her.

My unpopular opinion about this character

A good boy?? I dunno, I can never find any content for Aro Cisco. I like to think that he’s emotionally stunted because his parents weren’t affectionate, and he developed a broad fixation on escapist fantasies for comfort and stimulation, like tv shows and comics. This could just be a projection ha 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I wish Cisco would just get confirmed as trans already! And he should talk about the fact he has a dead brother more often, that sting doesn’t just go away after a few episodes. Also give him and Iris more of a relationship. Also make him talk to Ralph more. Also there needs to be more chemistry with Kamilla, like comeon guys let’s see some banter over here rn he has more canonical chemistry with Ralph’s girlfriend

Caitlin Snow (The Flash)

How I feel about this character

My socially awkward darling.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Killer Frost. Just,, Frostie. Killersnow is my jam, I still chug out content for it to this day. Also Patty x Cait is a fun crackship, maybe throw Iris in it, too. Probably has a small crush on Kara and Kate. Way bigger crush on Lena and Alex. Buff smarties are her bread and butter, probably why she was so into Ronnie. Otherwise I generally see her as asexual

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Cisco, Barry, Ralphie. Cisco especially, they’re besties, everyday, inside jokes, binge-watch together, dumb idiots with wildly different coping mechanisms, I think that;s why I like their friendship so much? Cait sort of just shuts down, ignores it, pushes herself into something she views as more productive than her thoughts and feelings. Cisco de-constructs his emotions by putting them in ways he can easily understand, into comics and characters, because tv was his only escape from the emotional neglect his family offered. Caitlin focused solely on getting out and being someone Thomas could be proud of, y’know? 

My unpopular opinion about this character

Ace, bi, poly. Neutral, polite, aloof, superiority complex, inferiority complex, definite imposter syndrome-- idunno i fell in love with s1 Cait and I wish her canonically life-long tendency to repress and deny would show up more. Definitely the smartest in any given group (and she knows it), but is nice about it. Remember in season one when she called a brain freeze the long-ass scientific name? Instant love, I’m love her, I wish she did that more, clearly she loves science and medicine and biology so so much and I really hope they show more of her being a fuckin dork for it, it makes her feel so much more human, she’s just. great

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Just went on a rant about it in the above text. Let Caitlin be a dork! Let her be repressive and emotional and I-can-do-it-on-my-own-y! Let her be all this and more, a human whose conditioned herself a robot, I love that concept so much. Let Caitlin be herself!

[haich-slash-cee]

Is the print publishing world picking up online/fandom terms? How they are using them? How do we feel about this?

So this is... attention-getting, for folks who like to follow publishing and meta stuff.

https://twitter.com/sapphicxrey/status/1215065948677443584

https://twitter.com/TorDotComPub/status/1233391556750647299

(2nd tweet -- TW, mentions of non-con)

Are we seeing the beginnings of book publishers directly borrowing from online/fandom culture in promoting their books? How do we feel about these examples?

More below cut.

Exhibit #1: screenshots of Bonds of Brass promo from Jan 8 2020. (Which is probably going to have reactions of “haha, cute” at most.)

Transcript of blurb: 

“If you like... 

forbidden romances, “there’s only one bed”, cityships, weaponized umbrellas, powersuits, secret princes, best friends, best friends PINING, fake dating between PINING best friends, tactical streaking, the minivan of starships, cigar-chomping cyborg ladies, scary empress moms, galactic-level bisexual disasters, LEGACY (WHAT IS A LEGACY?), rooftop hopping, golden trios, rumblin’ drums, bootleg fireworks, BIG SPACE BATTLES PEW PEW, a surprisingly functional public transit system, mob trouble, one hell of a pilot, the inherent DRAMA of empire, a nice interlude in a river, smoking a joint that’s been on the floor, sick stunts, slick grifts, hiding in a dumpster, or any combination of the above,

 Then you might like 

BONDS OF BRASS”

The Twitter responses seem to be generally enthusiastic. (And also, “FinnPoe! FinnPoe!”)

Personally, I’m intrigued from a meta-view of “oh so that’s definitely pulling from online world and fanfiction world, interesting. I wonder how much fanfiction culture is starting to influence print book culture and promotion.” Maybe I’ve got some questions like, “Ok so moneymaking companies such as Penguin are now using culture developed by the not-moneymaking-world of fanfiction? How do we feel about this?” Anyway, the book looks cute, I’m interested enough and I might get it from the library.

I suspect many people’s reactions are along the lines of “hm, interesting”, “sounds like a lark”, or “haha they’re using AO3 tags as promo”, etc. 

Exhibit #2, screenshots of DOCILE promo, from Feb 28 2020 (today is March 1 2020), and screenshots of Twitter responses so far:

(*CW, non-con discussion)

Tweet transcript:

“DOCILE by @KMSzpara:  

-Dubcon/Noncon 

-Dramatic Trillionaire Content 

-BDSM and then some more BDSM and then a lot more BDSM

 -Hurt/comfort and hurt/no comfort

 -Cinnamon roll of steel 

-The most scandalous kink: love 

-Courtroom, bedroom, & Preakness drama

[Tor book website link]”

So this is getting mixed reactions on Twitter. All dozen or so reactions, so far. Here’s text transcripts and bio info from repliers, below. I’m being a little obsessive, mostly to show that there’s a mix of queer, book-ish people in the replies (including the author).)

Noncon is nonconsentual sex, rape. Even in fandom it's a content tag, not a promotional term. I can't imagine being a rape survivor and seeing this come across my TL. -- @WriteSomeGood [queer rainbow] [Cis queer homemaker, aspiring author, maker of incredible cinnamon buns. She/her] [has a Tumblr page]

I’m not a survivor but it was an instant “no thank you” from me. And I was sincerely looking forward to this prior to. This is the most immediately off-putting marketing push I’ve seen for a book in a long damn time. -- @AGAWilmot [Author, editor, artist. Co-EIC of @anathemaspec. @SFU alum. The Death Scene Artist/W&W 2018. Ace/enby. They/them. Horror is my comfort food.]

Whichever intern wrote this tweet, deserves a full time job. With benefits. -- @simeontsanev [Aspiring writer, post-aspiring musician, and overall geek  He/Him /[queer rainbow]/ To the world we dream about, and the one we live in now! http://simeontsanev.com]

Idk why everyone thinks it’s always an intern writing copy and not a team comprised of extremely skilled social media experts, editors, publicists and marketers, and their assistants  I worked on those tags with my editor and a good friend!! -- @KMSzpara [Kellan. [queer rainbow]  Speculative fiction writer. Queer agenda.  Hugo & Nebula finalist.  DOCILE 3/3/20 from Tor Dot Com Publishing.  He/him.  Rep @suddenlyjen] *The author, bio page and twitter page.

this is CUTE! -- @MSSciarappa  [queer rainbow] I do books. he/him.

I am Extremely Ready for this content thank u -- @JessicaBCooper [Journo ☽ Writer of faerie, villain fuckery & cruel desires ☽ Lestat & Loki's love child ☽ Aleksander Morozova's side-hoe ☽ Rep'd by Kate Testerman @ktliterary]

I’m listening -- @MerynLobb [Government worker. Weightlifter. Nihilist. Aspiring cult leader. Avid user of words, often bad ones. #AMM R6 Mentee. she/her]

Soon! Soon!! -- @castrophony [Geek. Gamer. Cosplayer. Bibliophile. Scientist. She/Her.]

[happy reaction gif] -- @TorDotComPub [Providing a home for writers to tell SFF stories in exactly the number of words they choose. All our titles are available globally in print and DRM-free ebook.]

[throwing stuff in dumpster, unhappy reaction gif] -- @cursedgravy  [name's xavi, im a transman and i like to daydream about making content] 

For more context, here’s the blurb from the author website. Below is the blurb from the publisher’s site:

“Docile

K.M. Szpara

K. M. Szpara's Docile is a science fiction parable about love and sex, wealth and debt, abuse and power, a challenging tour de force that at turns seduces and startles.

There is no consent under capitalism.

To be a Docile is to be kept, body and soul, for the uses of the owner of your contract. To be a Docile is to forget, to disappear, to hide inside your body from the horrors of your service. To be a Docile is to sell yourself to pay your parents' debts and buy your children's future.

Elisha Wilder’s family has been ruined by debt, handed down to them from previous generations. His mother never recovered from the Dociline she took during her term as a Docile, so when Elisha decides to try and erase the family’s debt himself, he swears he will never take the drug that took his mother from him.

Too bad his contract has been purchased by Alexander Bishop III, whose ultra-rich family is the brains (and money) behind Dociline and the entire Office of Debt Resolution. When Elisha refuses Dociline, Alex refuses to believe that his family’s crowning achievement could have any negative side effects—and is determined to turn Elisha into the perfect Docile without it.

Content warning: Docile contains forthright depictions and discussions of rape and sexual abuse.”

So that’s a lot of info and reactions.

Personally: at first glance, I absently skimmed the tweet and “hurt/comfort” popped out, and I was like “What? Mainstream publishing is cool with this now? I was wondering if ‘hurt/comfort’ would one day become commonly used in publishing [related post]. But this is way sooner than I thought.” And then I read the rest of of the tweet and thought, “Wait, what?” 

And then I started reading through the tweet replies and thought, “OK, at the risk of getting a bunch of Tumblr drama, I want to bring this to the whump community and see how people feel."

As for myself, one of my squicks is non-con, and I’m not really interested in hurt/no comfort. So just from the tweet, I know the book is not for me. The official blurbs confirmed that. In this sense, this is like skimming Ao3 tags on a fic and saying “pass” on a story.

However, I have questions about the specific promotion of the book. So the official blurbs are pretty standard. What about that tweet, which Tor (and the author, who helped put it together) put out? Because I think an official publisher’s Tweet comes with different context than Ao3 tags.

First, the different internet spaces. You can filter tags on Ao3 and Tumblr. I know you can mute words on Twitter, but is that the same thing? Also, would people be expecting these tags on Twitter? Compared to Ao3 or Tumblr or Tumblr Whump spaces?

Within the Tumblr Whump community, from what I’ve browsed, the community attitude (guidelines?) seem to be “Write and discuss what you want. Be sure to tag it, use content warnings, or otherwise clearly communicate if you have things that may be triggering. Respect people’s squicks/triggers. Walk away from what you don’t like.” Like, tumblr whump has a very specific culture of trying to balance discourse/stories about potentially very dark stuff, but also wanting to make sure the IRL people and Tumblr users are okay. There’s always posts going around about how to do this, are we doing this in the right way, ethics, so on. Also -- and people can correct me -- the whump tumblr space might be where tags are content warnings for people to stay away, and also what people might actively look for. So if any space is going to discuss if this promotional tweet checks out, I feel like it’s this space. 

Also, to note again, Tor Tweets are in the money-official-publisher-world, not unpaid-tumblr-people or unpaid-fanfiction-fandom-world.

Maybe I just want to ask, “Hey those first two tweet responses, does they have a point? Tor using ‘noncon’ as official promotion? On Twitter?” I mean, I’ve previously written, “The CW and TW tags that Ao3 writers use, I really wish those were used with published books as well.” But somehow, the Tor tweet was not quite what I was expecting. Maybe for reasons similar to that first tweet response. (I guess one could debate if a tweet is really promotion or just information... you know what someone can correct me, but I’m gonna say that a Tor.com tweet is promotion, compared to information like Ao3, and that tweet was there for promotion.)

Those tags operate within specific Ao3 and Tumblr cultures and infrastructure. I don’t hang around Twitter for whump stuff, IDK what the culture is. Anyway, does dropping these tags into a promotional tweet from Tor.... translate?

The tweet is evidently gathering the people who are there for it, and the people who aren’t there for it are quickly realizing that they are not there for it. But personally, the Tor website blurb does a better job at that, using writing that I’d expect from a publisher for communicating fictional non-con situations. (Maybe the blurb content warnings are what I wanted more of, when I said I wished for CW and TW in books.)

Anyway, there’s no huge drama about that Docile book promo on Twitter, as far as I can tell. So this is a niche thing, right now. But. The promo for Bonds of Brass and for Docile might be the beginnings of a trend of well-known book publishers borrowing from online writing / fandom culture and terminology in order to promote or categorize their books. These two promos might set a precedent or have other significance.

So if anyone has discourse on the tweets or potential future trends... 

[mypassionfortrash]

Do More of What Scares You (Part 13)

You're shocked to find out how Roger's been living since you left him - and since the end of Queen's American tour. But you're also determined to find a way to bring your relationship back from the brink. Will it work? 💡Catch up: 1&2 ~ 3&4 ~ 5&6 ~ 7&8&9 ~ 10&11 ~ 12💡

Notes: Thank you so much for reading! This is the penultimate chapter of this, with the final chapter going up tomorrow. It’s also the first Queen fic I’ve ever finished... it’s only taken me ten bloody months! How will it end? It's anyone's guess! Enjoy.

Roger resembled nothing of the man you fell for. His once vibrant blue eyes were weighed down by dark purple bags; his grown-out dye job left him with matted, unwashed tresses topped with inch-thick roots and his pyjamas hung around his frame like a sack. He was always lean, but now, he looked like a gust of wind could topple him. Standing in his doorway, he swayed with determination to keep his eyes off of you as he uttered a feeble, almost inaudible: “What’re you doing here?”

You sucked in some air, feeling the pressure of the words you needed to say threaten to choke you. The trembling wasn’t far behind.

Roger contorted his face into a scowl that twisted with every second of hesitation.

“I-” you began. The words stung. You couldn’t get them out. 

“I don’t want to see anyone right now.” 

The scene unravelled in slow motion. The door was a mere inch from being slammed in your face before you caught up.

“Wait!” you piped up, thrusting your foot between the door and the frame. “Jim came to see me.”

Roger stretched the gap in the door again - enough for one tired, sunken eye to peer out. His voice was still obscured by a sheet of oak. “I need a break. From Queen. It’s not good for me. I can’t see you right now.”

”I don’t know why I’m here,” you implored. “I thought things were getting easier since I got back. But it’s been hell.”

Roger emerged from his house, on to his porch for the first time in weeks. He sagged against the wall and folded his arms. He gawked at his feet. He gnawed at his lip. 

You couldn’t be certain whether he was grasping anything you said or simply bolstering himself against the autumnal nip in the air.

“I thought I was ok. And then Jim showed up,” you continued, your tone softening. “And I don’t even know how I got here. That’s the worst part of all this! I guess I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.” Your speech faltered. “I still care about you, even if…”

Roger peered at you through his lashes, through you. “Well, I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

“And you’re starting to sound like me. That’s no way to live, Roger.”

Roger’s shoulders softened as he pulled his focus back to you.

“Can I come in?” you asked.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”

Roger trailed off as you swept past him and into his home. Wandering through the dim, dusty hallway, you recalled him mentioning that a maid would visit him twice a week when he was here. However, judging by the stench of mouldering rubbish that permeated the place, that hadn’t happened recently. The living room was a splendid space, tastefully furnished and filled with photos of Queen in their heyday, and Roger’s mother and his sister, and pop culture posters neatly framed and hung from the dark crimson walls. Ornate gold lamps lit the high-ceilinged room and illuminated the flecks of dust that danced around you as you ventured further into Roger’s personal cesspit. He had made a nest on the plush looking sofa in the centre of the room; a bundle of blankets and books sat on the soft leather seats, and empty bottles of wine and pizza boxes lay strewn on the floor around it. This was the spot where he whiled away the weeks since the tour, trapped inside his head.

The scene made your soul ache and a numbness claw at your bones as your brain bleated on about how you did this. You were to blame. 

Roger stood in the doorway, fumbling with his hands as he witnessed you getting to grips with how he had been living.

“I did some shopping today,” you croaked. “I can cook something if you like? While you clean yourself up.”

“What’s the point?”

“Because we need to talk, and I don’t want you to be alone.”

Roger sighed and stopped his anxious handwringing. “Ok.”

You moved closer, trying your hardest not to startle him. “Take a shower. Take as long as you need,” you said, pushing your fingers through his hair and down his chin. “I’ll tidy this place and fix you something to eat. You look like you’re starving.”

———————————————————

Egg and chips.

Two plates of egg and chips sat on opposite sides of Roger’s dining room table as you paced the length of the room, waiting for him to join you. You wracked your brain for something to say to him. Something to make it all better for both of you.

None of this was your fault.

You repeated it over and over again above the crippling fear that, actually, you were to blame. You wrestled with your brain to convince yourself otherwise.

The door creaked open, interrupting the conversation your brain had with itself.

Roger slipped inside. He had changed into another t-shirt and another pair of pyjama bottoms; both drowned him. He folded in on himself as he took his seat the table. But at least he didn’t stink. You could bow to the urge to give him a cuddle without the possibility of vomiting over him. That was a start.

Sitting down at your food, your stomach growled. And yet you lacked the strength to pick up your cutlery. As soon as you had them in your grasp, your fingers let go. It was like they weighed a ton.

Roger, on the other hand, was ravenous, wordlessly devouring his food, but at the same time, getting no pleasure from it. It was just a function to keep him from dying. Nothing else. He kept his eyes on his plate.

“Are we going to be ok?” you asked.

He winced in response.

“Because I miss you.”

Roger put down his knife and fork and hardened his posture. “You left me.”

“I felt like I had to. I didn’t think there was any way out. You hurt me.”

“I know,” Roger grimaced. Then he finally looked at you. “And I’m never going to forgive myself for that.”

“We need to find a way to move on. Either together or apart. Because this-” you began, swinging your hand in his direction, “isn’t sustainable. For either of us.”

“I just needed time to think straight.”

“But you’re not going to find any answers festering here on your own. And I don’t want to go back to going out on awkward dates, or having my friends try to set me up with people who don’t even understand me. It’s humiliating. I don’t want it.”

Roger’s eyes glossed over. He enveloped his arms around his torso, clawing at the hairs on the underside of one of them. “You’ve been on dates since…”

You nodded. “Alex set me up with her boyfriend’s brother. Dragged me out to some Greek place last night. All three of them were a nightmare,” you explained. A scowl flitted over your features as you recalled the rest. “He works in finance. What a fucking catch.”

“How did it go?”

“How’d you think it went? I climbed out the bathroom window and legged it home.”

Roger smiled for the first time in weeks. An innocent, childish smile. “That sounds like something you’d do.”

You shook your head at the thought of the stunt you pulled. “Do you know, I never once felt like that with you?”

“That’s because I never worked in finance, so I’m not fucking boring.”

“Touché,” you giggled, settling back into your chair. “Touché.”

The air between the two of you grew cold again as that line of conversation died. You and Roger searched for something else to say. Something kind, or familiar.

“How was the rest of the tour?” you asked.

Roger exhaled with a pained laugh. Then he shuffled forward. “On or off stage?”

“Both.”

“Fucking awful. I don’t remember any of it. I can’t even remember how I got home - I just woke up here at the end of it all with a headache and a nosebleed.”

“Are you trying to make me feel sorry for you?”

Roger shook his head. “S’just what happened.”

“You know you’re supposed to be in Munich tomorrow?”

“You know people jump off the roof of that fucking recording studio? How depressing is that? I can’t spend four fucking months holed up in there.”

“Jim’s worried.”

“He should be. There’s too much out there. I might…”

“What are you saying, Roger?” you asked, leaning in.

“I’m saying, I don’t want to go there while I’m in this state.”

“But the label-”

“Fuck the label.”

“Maybe we should just focus on getting you in a better headspace.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Both of us… in a better headspace.”

Roger nodded.

“It’s not going to be easy. But we need to talk about it,” you continued. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach at the lightning speed of your conversation. You and Roger - finally together and singing from the same hymn sheet.

“What do you want out of all this?” Roger asked.

“I want to feel better. And to have you back.”

“Would you really have me back? After everything?”

“In a heartbeat.”

—————————————————————————

“I don’t think I’ve ever slept over at yours,” you mumbled, attaching yourself to Roger to block out the sunrise slicing into Roger’s bedroom through the curtains.

“Hm?” he purred. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and pulled you even closer. “Hopefully we can do this more often.”

“I’d like that.” Your fingers curled through the soft smattering of hair on his chest as it rose and fell steadily. “Are you going to Munich?”

His movements stilled. “I’m tired of it. Everything… I’m just glad to have you back.”

“There’s still a lot we need to work on, though. You know that.” The wires in your mind untangled as you thought all of this through. Maybe he was right. Maybe going to Munich wasn’t a good idea.

“What was that?” Roger asked.

“What was what?”

“If you don’t want me to go to Munich, then I totally agree with you.” 

You were completely unaware that you had verbalised your inner monologue, but you could hear the smile behind Roger’s words. “Did I just say that out loud?” you giggled. “I just don’t want you throwing all of this away for me,” you continued, rolling on top of him. “I made you happy once. But if you decide to abandon this - if you get tired of us - what’s to say you’re not going to resent me for it? That’s all I’m saying.”

He hummed in response while his calloused fingers rubbed contemplative circles over the small of your back. “The parties would have to stop, for starters. And I just… don’t want to go to fucking Munich. All there is is cocaine and strippers and those god awful clubs. And touring’s a fucking drag these days anyway. We’re getting old. Due a rest.”

“Maybe not now, but you’re going to have to go at some point. Your friends are relying on you for some drums,” you grinned, slapping his chest.

“Mmmm,” Roger sighed, flopping his head back down on to the pillow. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

“You don’t have to go to the strippers. Or the clubs. Or snort all the coke under the sun.”

“No coke. No clubs. No strippers. Got it.”

“Have you apologised to Freddie?”

Roger groaned.

“He’s your best mate.”

“He’s my best mate who left my girlfriend for dead outside one of those seedy little knocking shops. If anything, I think he owes both of us an apology.”

“But he was so kind to me, otherwise. And I don’t think it was his fault. You know how he gets carried away. And I’m a bit of a flake on nights out. You know what I’m like.”

“When I see him again, I’ll make sure he apologises to you.”

You rolled your eyes and prodded his chest: “Roger…”

He fluttered his lashes, looking down at you and acting oblivious. “Yes, my love?”

“Please?”

“Oh, alright!” He huffed, squeezing you in his arms. “But can we agree on one thing?”

“What?”

“Munich’s out the window until further notice?”

You nodded, burrowing your face into Roger’s chest. You missed this. “Can we just stay like this for a bit?”

“How do you feel about a holiday? Just the two of us? Where no one can bother us?”

You glanced up at him, feeling a wave of excitement course through your body. It made your heart thud. “Where to?”

“Anywhere.”

“Anywhere?”

“We could get on a plane in an hour and go anywhere.”

“But I haven’t even packed a suitcase,” you giggled, getting on to your knees.

“That’s the beauty of it.”

You sighed. Not a pained, exacerbated sigh, no. This was a content, over the moon sigh. The kind of sigh you might give when everything just falls into place and you just go along without a care in the world. Fuck your job. Fuck your friends. Fuck the life that had beaten you down for so long. 

It was time to take a risk - a bigger one than ever before.

“What do you say?” Roger grinned, squeezing your hips. “Anywhere you want.”

——————————————————————————————

The last time you found yourself inside an airport, you could barely navigate your way through it. Your body was so wracked with sorrow, guilt and shame.

But now, every thing was ok. Roger clutched your shaky, sweaty hand and led you out on to the tarmac where a private plane waited. 

The pair of you were bound for the south of France, but who knew where you’d end up? No plan, no luggage, no worries.

All that mattered was that Munich was on the back-burner. You wouldn’t have to go on any more forced, awkward dates. And you and Roger could finally be together in peace for a while.

Fuck everything else.

[ramblingsrantsreviews]

Season Review: 13 Reasons Why - Season 4 (Netflix, 2020)

Netflix’s dropped the final season of their controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why last week and, as expected, it quickly climbed to the number one spot and was trending. Albeit the trending topic was full of just as many people saying “don’t watch the show” as there were fans talking about the show but that’s too be expected.

Inspired by the teen best selling novel by Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why was adapted into a television series by Brian Yorkey in 2017 and has since spanned four seasons despite controversy from critics, parents, and teenagers. The fourth and final season of the series follow the same group of Liberty High teenagers, now seniors, as they grabble with the aftermath of their decision to frame a murder on a fellow Liberty High student who was sent to prison for sexual assault and ultimately died in prison. Each of the core cast is dealing with the aftermath in different ways with Clay (Dylan Minnette) experiencing the most negative reaction due in part to his deteriorating mental health.

In true 13 Reasons Why fashion, the season deals with a variety of topics ranging from the ongoing drug use of students, their safety in school, mental health, and it even touches upon the very timely topic of police brutality and racial profiling. And of course, it had to pull one last controversial publicity stunt which left one of our beloved characters dead before graduation day.

I’ve already written about my overall thoughts on the characters outcomes but I felt the final season also warranted its own review. In addition to the usual categories, I’ve also includes a spot for my favorite character and favorite couple of the entire season since this is the final season. Least favorite character of the series will not be featured because I don’t feel the need to write anything more about Bryce. I’m also going to try to keep the character portions short so that I don’t repeat myself.

As always, spoilers are ahead.

Favorite Episode: 4×09 — “Prom”

All I’ve ever wanted is for this group of teenagers to be happy and actually enjoy their youth instead of dealing with whatever shit was complicating their lives. Episode 9 finally gave that to us, if you ignore the last 3 minutes of the episode like I’m choosing to do.

This episode had some of my favorite scenes that left me crying tears of joy and had my heart swelling with pride. It was also the first time, in a long time, that we saw the entire group back together in Clay and Justin’s bedroom. I’ve always said this show is best when it’s characters are all united and share the screen together and that scene proved I was right. If only they would have supported each other from the beginning of this season instead of just at the end.

Episode 9 is also home to both Charlie and Alex’s coming out moments and they could not have been more perfect. I absolutely love that both of their families were accepting and didn’t even question their sons. Charlie’s scene with his dad literally had me laughing out loud when they were talking about Charlie’s obsession with Eli Manning. It’s such an innocent thing and yet it showcases that LGBT kids and teens are just like their heterosexual counterparts who have innocent crushes on celebrities and athletes. I also love that his dad basically said he knew but wanted Charlie to come to him when he was ready.

Alex’s coming out moment was equally as cute. I really loved the fact that his wasn’t a coming-out moment in the traditional sense because he didn’t sit his parents down and talk to them about his sexuality. Instead, he just shows up with Charlie who he introduces as his boyfriend. It was perfect and honestly, I think more shows and films should deal with coming-out stories that happen like this. I was once again laughing when Alex’s brother got all excited because he was dating the quarterback of the Liberty High football team. Plus, the heartfelt moment with both of his parents warmed my heart. All they’ve ever wanted for their son is to see him happy and healthy and they finally got that.

I loved Charlie’s promposals and how he kept trying to one-up them to get Alex to say yes. I’m wondering though if maybe he should have tried something more low-key and intimate since that seems to be more of Alex’s style. Either way, they were all cute and I’m glad Alex finally said yes. Also, I love that they finally realized that Jess didn’t need a boy on her arm to have a good time. Having her go with Ani was cute and felt a bit full circle since the only ever girlfriend she had was Hannah who she had a falling out with before her death. And I also love that Clay tagged along with Alex and Charlie to make sure Alex was comfortable. He’s always looking out. Honorable cute mentions also go to Caleb for finally getting Tony to participate in high school activities and Tyler for going with Estella and having the best time ever.

Of course, the prom scene as a whole was amazing (again, until the last 3 minutes which I will not be mentioning again…hopefully). Seeing these kids get to be teenagers warmed my heart and it was everything I ever wanted. I loved that the football team was behind Charlie and Alex winning Prom Kings. It really showed a growth in the team since they’d been homophobic and rapists in prior seasons but have finally started to mature and “be better” as Zach and later Charlie helped instill in them. I also love that Ani and Clay finally hashed out their weird relationship and that they were able to move on as friends.

I was so glad when Justin showed up at the prom. He deserved to have a great time and enjoy his dwindling senior year just like the rest of his friends. I love how they show the scene when Jess spots him in this cinematic and romantic way. Was it cheesy? Yes, but dammit these two deserve all the cheesiness after everything they’ve been through. I also love Jess’s line telling him to never love anything more than life. It was perfect and everything I wanted.

Oh, and Clay asking his mom to dance was equally as adorable.

The only thing I felt this episode needed (other than a different ending) was the inclusion of “The Night We Met.” That song is a staple of this series and it would have been nice to have it played at their final dance. Perhaps, they could have all come together on the dance floor like they did in season 2 for Clay.

Least Favorite Episode: 4×03 — “Valentine’s Day”

To be honest, the whole first half of the season was a hot mess but I think my least favorite episode had to be the third episode. I literally almost stopped watching after it because it no longer felt like I was watching 13 Reasons Why.

I found it to be an interesting choice by the writers to write another episode centered around a dance when we were going to get a prom episode and have had multiple dance centric episodes in prior seasons. I think it would have been more interesting if they set the drama somewhere else. Then again, dances seem to be the only way to get all these characters in one place at the same time so I digress.

My biggest issue with this episode was the whole plot surrounding Clay and the mysterious phone calls. I felt like I was watching a cheap knock off of Scream every time Clay answered the phone and was tormented by the caller. Of all the dumb things this show has done, this was the dumbest and completely unnecessary. After all, Clay had been cleared from being a person-of-interest in Bryce’s murder before Ani’s confession that Monty was the one who did it. Therefor, the football teams motive for taking their anger and emotions for Monty out on Clay made zero sense. Not to mention, they did it in the most unoriginal way ever.

This episode also featured Winston and Alex getting closer and dating. Look, I believe most characters can change and be good people but Winston doesn’t seem to be one of those people. Granted, Alex didn’t know who he was or his involvement with Monty at the time but we did which made it hard for me to root for these two. Winston may have actually had feelings for Alex, but to me he was just using him to get information and that is totally not cool.

I also greatly disliked Clay and Ani in this episode. It’s clear that their relationship has run its course and Ani’s constant need to keep pushing Clay to be with her was dumb. Ani is such a smart character and yet she does the stupidest things. She definitely needed one of Jess’s woman empowerment speeches.

Also I absolutely hated Zach yelling at Justin and then Jess yelling at Justin — even if she was right to do so.

By far the worst thing about this episode had to be the ending sequence with Clay in the shower and then on the football field. Of course, the episode then ended with him walking into the gym with a red stained shirt holding a knife. Definitely not a good image for Clay but what really killed me is that everyone blamed him for brining a knife to the dance when Diego and his boys literally planted it for him to take! Once again 13 Reasons Why forgets its own plot for more drama.

Favorite Character This Season: Charlie St. George

While Charlie might not be my all-time favorite character, he definitely earned the prize of being my favorite character this season.

Charlie was the one character this season who was actually there for everyone around him and wasn’t consumed with his own issues. In fact, Charlie is so selfless that he chose to get involved with all their drama last season when he didn’t need to but did anyway because he knew it was the right thing to do.

As for this season, well Charlie continued to out do himself. He helped Justin hold the football team accountable when they were being dicks. He made sure Jess was getting the team’s undivided attention during her speech. He tried to help Tony decide on what to do about Tyler’s gun pictures during the lockdown and he even calmed Alex down during one of his anxiety attacks. Not to mention, he researched Alex’s TBI so that he’d know what to expect and how to handle any issues that may arise from it. His helpfulness didn’t stop there. He also tried to be there for Clay and for Justin during the season. And he even went as far as tracking down Zach and forcing him to go see Justin in the hospital when he was dying.

If all that doesn’t prove that he’s the best character than I don’t know what will.

He also had the best coming-out moment and literally ruled the prom with Alex as his date.

So yeah, Charlie was the best.

Favorite Character Of The Series: Justin Foley

Since this is the final season, I also wanted to speak about my favorite character of the entire show: Justin Foley. If you read my other post this should come as no surprise that Justin is my ride-or-die character.

Justin is my favorite character because he has one of the best character arcs of the entire series (if you ignore the final episode and is horrible fate). In the first season he was this angry and broken kid who was so distraught with guilt that he turned to the streets for some kind of relief and eventual revenge. Thankfully, Clay and Tony were there to save him and the Jenson’s were kind enough to offer him a home when he had no where else to turn.

Sure, Justin still struggled with his addiction but he tried and fought so damn hard to get better. Relapse is part of the recovery process and if you recall, most of the times Justin relapsed were do in part to major things happening in his life, like his biological mother’s overdose which lead to her death.

Despite all the things against him, Justin finally got help this season and was on the path to recovery. He was thriving in school, had a college acceptance letter in his hands, and was finally happy. All Justin ever wanted to do was live and he constantly tried to do that.

As you know from my character thoughts post, I was completely devastated when he died. It’s been a week and I’m still not over it. I honestly feel like I lost someone I knew in real life.

Despite his ill fitted and unnecessary ending, Justin Foley had the best character development of this group. He was the one character who deserved to live more than anything. In my head, he’s alive and thriving in college while having regular FaceTime dates with Jess.

Least Favorite Character This Season: Winston

Avoiding the obvious answers like Bryce and Monty, who I hate with my entire being, I’ve decided that Winston is my least favorite character of season 4.

I mentioned this in my other post but I’m going to say it again, Winston is nothing more than a knock-off Clay who doesn’t have half the heart that Clay Jenson has.

I can’t get behind Winston because his entire character is rooted in being a rapist apologist because he “loved” Monty. Obviously, I don’t think Winston is a terrible person but I do think something is wrong with him since he is able to have feelings for Monty despite knowing all the terrible and hurtful things he did to people. I mean Mrs. Walker couldn’t look her own son in the eyes after learning everything he did and you’re telling me that Monty can turn a blind eye to it because he’s in love. I call bullshit.

I didn’t feel like Winston’s actions this season were rooted in good like Clay’s were. I think every relationship he formed with the core group was made because he wanted to get information out of them.

The only good thing Winston did was not turn Alex in for killing Bryce. In my opinion, though, that doesn’t redeem him for spending the entire season trying to seek revenge for Monty.

Favorite Couple This Season: Alex and Charlie

Let’s be honest, 13 Reasons Why doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships. Even the most iconic and shippable couples on the show are problematic. Which is why I was so shocked and proud when the writers finally decided to show a happy and healthy relationship, between two boys to top it all off!

While I’ll admit, I had been hoping that Alex would end up with Zach this season I am 110% sold that he was destined to be with Charlie. As I’ve said before and in this very post, Charlie is so caring and attentive to Alex that you can tell his feelings are completely authentic and he has no ulterior motive for wanting/choosing to be with Alex.

In fact, if you watch the third season carefully, you’ll notice that Charlie had taken an interest in Alex during that season. It just wasn’t as prominent on the screen. Perhaps, that’s part of the reason Charlie decided to get involved with this group. And once he found out Alex was the one who needed saving he jumped into action to plant Bryce’s tape on Monty. But that might be my brain stretching.

Regardless, Charlie and Alex are the perfect teenage couple and the by far the healthiest couple of this entire show. They’re there for each other, they celebrate each other’s victories (even if Alex doesn’t always understand them) and their love is unconditional.

These two may be Prom Kings but they’re also Kings of healthy relationships.

Favorite Couple Of The Series: Justin and Jess

Even though Alex and Charlie are the healthiest couple and by far my favorite this season, I can’t help but continue to ship Jess and Justin.

Now listen, these two are not a couple that should be idolized. They’re extremely toxic at times and they are way too dependent on each other. Not to mention, the origins of their relationship are complex and for some, immensely problematic. And yet, here I am stanning this couple because they’re so made for each other.

Part of what makes Justin and Jess work is that they understand each other, even when they don’t always want to. They both have been in each others shows. They both know what it’s like to be at rock bottom and to climb out on top. Beyond that, they’re (usually) always there for each other or at least are cheering each other on in some way.

Was Jess wrong this season to lash out as Justin when he told her he needed to focus on herself? Absolutely. But Justin was also in the wrong a few seasons ago when he didn’t fight to help Jess enough. Regardless of their issues and arguments, these two are always finding their way back to each other.

I loved that Justin went to Jess’s aide during the lockdown. Sure, it took Diego being an ass to get him there but I’m pretty sure he would have went regardless. Frankly I’m convinced that Justin was texting Jess during the lockdown before he even went down to see her. And, despite everything going on, in that moment they felt safe, because they were together.

I love that Justin, even though he was jealous of Diego, never really made it an issue — or at least, a major issue. When Zach is trying to rile him up at the Valentine’s Day dance Justin reminds him that Jess doesn’t belong to him. It’s the smallest thing but it a sign that he loves and respects Jess enough to let her be on her own. In fact, I’d argue that the real issue he has with Jess seeing Diego is that Diego is a complete dick to Clay and is obsessed with finding out the truth about Monty.

I love that Jess is (almost) always there for Justin. Should she have pulled him out of the alleyway when she finds him doing drugs again? Absolutely, but I think her choosing to walk away was an extremely hard decision for her to make. And I’m glad their story didn’t end there. I absolutely loved Jess’s speech to Justin at the prom. And the scene of them in the hospital completely wrecked me. Hearing Jess say that Justin taught her to love when he was still convinced he ruined her life was seriously the most heartbreaking thing ever.

As I said, I’m pretending these two are living a happy and healthy life because that’s what they deserve.

Complaints:

13 Reasons Why is strongest when the cast is together and supporting each other. Unfortunately this season everything felt disjointed, especially these characters relationships with each other. Alex and Jess had barely any scenes together despite committing a murder together. Zach was messy the entire season and acting very out of character. And no one cared enough to help him. Alex did try but it didn’t feel like enough, or maybe Zach was just too stubborn to accept it. The golden trio (Clay, Justin, and Jess) had little to no scenes until the end which hurt me to my core. I felt like Justin was missing from the first half of the season and then when he did get more time on screen he was literally dying. Clay and Tony barely had any scenes together and seemed annoyed with each other. Tyler was basically on his own this season – at least he had Estella. I guess I had higher hopes that our core group would be stronger than ever but that simply wasn’t the case and I’m upset about it.

My other major problem this season was the show’s need to try to be a psychological thriller. I fully support them wanting to show Clay’s deteriorating mental state and I found it interesting that they chose to go the disassociating route but I am not a fan of how they did it. I felt like the writers forgot the genre of their show. As I mentioned above, I also hated the football team using their phones to torment Clay. It was stupid and unoriginal.

Another issue I had this season was the fact that both Ani and Zach out Alex to different people. In Ani’s case she outed Alex to Clay by confessing that she caught him making out with Winston in the hallway during the dance. As for Zach, he outed Alex to almost all of their friends during the senior camping trip after learning that Alex broke up with Winston. While neither of them outed Alex with malicious intent, it was still wrong. I would have liked to see Alex confront them about it, at some point.

I absolutely hated and was disgusted at the fact the show tried to portray both Clay and Zach as people who would rape unconscious women who were unable to consent. I will never forgive the writers for that. It literally served no purpose and completely went again both of their characters.

I also found it extremely random and unneccesary that Clay hooks up with Valerie, Sheriff Diaz’s daughter, at that party. I don’t care that he hooked up with someone but because it was the daughter of the Sheriff I wanted that to be a bigger moment. I was waiting and expecting Sheriff Diaz to find out and flip out on Clay but that never happened. As it stands now, the only purpose that scene had was to inform us that Sheriff Diaz did have a family which would make his speech to Alex’s dad at the end of the season make sense.

I also wasn’t a fan of Monty and Bryce’s presence this season. Both of them already got their moments in the spotlight we didn’t need to see them again. They were monsters who don’t deserve any sort of redemption or yet another attempt of a redemption arc. I also found it extremely peculiar that Clay was the one that was seeing them. As I’ve said before, Clay wasn’t the one who came up with the idea to frame Monty so I wasn’t totally sure why he felt so guilty. I also hated that they gave Jess another scene with ghost Bryce at the end instead of having her see ghost Justin. If anyone deserved to be in that final scene where they’re burying Hannah’s tapes it was Justin. After all, he’s where the story began.

Speaking of the final scene, I felt it odd that they decided to bring Courtney and Ryan back. If they were going to reunite the entire tape crew where were Marcus and Sheri? Even though they weren’t prominent in the episode I felt their screen time could have been given to one of the other core characters instead.

Another minor thing, I missed the smooth transitions in and out of scenes that 13 Reasons Why always seemed to nail. I know they were mainly used when the story was switching from past and present but I truly missed them this season. Everything felt harsh and jagged and I wasn’t a fan.

Lastly, and this one is going to be obvious. I hated that they killed Justin. There was no reason for his death. There was no hint that he was the one who was going to die. It was unnecessary and a last ditch attempt to be controversial and shocking. I’m not over it and I’ll never be over it.

Praise:

Most of the things I’m going to write here I’ve said elsewhere so I apologize for any repetition.

As I said above, one of my favorite things about this season was Alex and Charlie’s coming out scenes. Something I have yet to mention though, is that I love how Alex turned to Tony when he was still in the midst of questioning his sexuality. It was a really sweet moment and it showcased Tony and Alex’s friendship. I also love that Tony answered the question without questing Alex on why he was asking. Tony could have asked Alex if he was questioning his sexual identity or something else but he chose not to because it’s not his place.

Speaking of Tony, I adored the scene with his father when Caleb told him about Tony’s college opportunity. Tony was so adamant on turning it down because he wanted to keep the auto shop going and to hear his father tell him that Tony is his dream was heartwarming. I think we all knew that his father just wants what is best for Tony but to hear him say it was important.

I did like the scene where the tape crew was reunited. It felt very full circle but I think they should have burned the tapes instead of burying them. I swear to god, if in 10 years this show gets a reboot because someone finds the tapes I’m going to die. I was a bit confused though since it didn’t appear that all the tapes were in the box. And I still think Justin should have been a part of it in some way. After all, he was the start of the tapes. Bryce may have brought them all together in a twisted way, but without Justin they wouldn’t have existed either.

Everything considered, I’m glad we did get to see Jess and Justin together in the end. To me they are endgame — even though Diego tries to get Jess to date him right after Justin’s death. I’ll cherish the prom scene and even the scenes in the hospital forever.

Also regarding Justin’s fate, I loved his final scene with Clay. The series spends so much time trying to get us to believe that Justin found a brother in Bryce, but I never bought it. Justin’s only brother was Clay and that essay proved that. It was so heartfelt and sad and I loved it. I also love that Clay admits to Justin that he doesn’t know how to go on without him but Justin assures him that he does.

I also did like the ending scene with Clay and Tony, even though in my perfect world it was Clay and Justin driving off to college together. It was a nice full circle moment. Although, I will admit my anxiety was through the roof because I seriously thought they were going to get into an accident. After all, it is 13 Reasons Why.

Lastly, I want to discuss the final scene at the police station between Alex’s dad and Sheriff Diaz. I spent a lot of this season and last season hating Sheriff Diaz but he certainly redeemed himself in that moment. There’s no doubt in my mind that he realized that Alex was the one who killed Bryce. And yet, he understood that Alex is a good kid who doesn’t deserve to be in jail. He understood that Bryce and Monty were both monsters. He knew that if the truth got out Alex’s dad would fall apart. His speech about putting family before his job was important and impactful.

As I’ve said, of all the shitty things this show has done the one thing they actually got right was letting Alex walk free. I never would have forgiven them if they had sent Alex to jail. After all, he’s not a monster he’s the hero of the story.

                                                         * * *

I still have mixed feelings about the final season and I think I will for the rest of time. Had they not have killed Justin I feel like I would have felt a lot better about the conclusion of the show. But if 13 Reasons Why has taught me anything its that life is not fair and that we cannot let tragedy dictate our entire lives. We must live (and continue watching questionable television shows).

You can stream the final season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.

What did you think of the final season of 13 Reasons Why? What was your favorite and least favorite episode? Who do you ship? Are you happy with the ending? Let me know in the comments or by tweeting me @3RsBlog.

Featured Image Source: Netflix

[sierratheory]

“Like i don't trust sierra bc of the time she came into Luke's life...” that entire ask but vice-versa too!!! people have said sierra dated dylan from flor and now her old roommate karsen too? as with luke, where was her time being single and figuring herself out before jumping into a new relationship? the twitter likes reminded me of how luke & sierra only see “jealousy” and “misogyny” as a h8ters only reason, which isn’t true 😔

Part 2 It's like they're still letting the other person know they're wrong but the difference is that it doesn't hit them. Why does it cause an overly emotional response and a giant need to prove they are wrong? it's a truth the person has been avoiding/ignoring. Luke or any person don't see the truth, they really don't even though deep down they know it is true (this is why emotional abuse is so dangerous and the victim "can't just leave")

Part 3 and that's why getting defensive and simply defending yourself are two different things. I'd like to point what that anon said about Luke's likes missing the point of what was said and this anon called him a 'dumb asshole' (lol) because he's missing the point. Well he may not realise it but he's missing the point "on purpose" his brain is making him miss the point in order to keep the fantasy that the points that were made aren't factual and are actually offensive (sexism)

Part 4 I swear I could write a book explaining every little behaviour he's adopting but what I really want to point out is that I understand everyone's frustration and regardless of what he's going through, Luke should be held responsible for his actions but we can and should emphasize because he's not fine. I'm saying this because he is following a very worrying pattern and even though Arzaylea was a much worse person than Sierra is,

Part 5, Luke is currently in a worse situation MENTALLY and I know this may cause some confusion and I can explain with more details why I'm saying this but it doesn't necessarily have to do with Sierra. I'm not saying she's not toxic. I do believe she's toxic but she's not nearly as toxic as Arzaylea. The difference is the timing. If Luke had dated Sierra first and Arzaylea later things would be much much worse.

Part 6 Luke was in a very vulnerable place, he was really hurt and he got a taste of what a mentally stable, caring, loving partner is like in Sierra. And I'm not saying these are traits that Sierra has or not. But when you get out of a toxic relationship, when you're at your worst a little love, or sense of love can feel like the best thing in a world. Basically it's an "issue" with the rewarding system in your brain. Very typical in people who go through this kind of situations

Part 7 that's why it is recommended to see a therapist or stay away from relationship because this rewarding system can fix itself and go back to normal or you might need some help. It all depends on how you deal with the situation. Some people get over traumatic experiences quickly and some need time and help. Anyway to keep it simple and short: Luke knew for sure (based on my little knowledge and his behaviour) that Arzaylea wasn't good to him but he was in love and he was making excuses to

Part 8 believe she loved him back (maybe she did love him back but had mental issues, drug addiction, I don't know, I can't judge) but he didn't have the time to heal. He's aware of his past relationship being toxic but I don't think he's aware of the effects it had on his mental health. He shows severe signs of being someone who still carries some luggage. Let me explain, I'm sure he's aware of how awful Arzaylea was and that he did him wrong and he deserves better.

Part 9 but for example, if arzaylea told him constantly that he didn't defend her enough, if she guilt trapped him because of it, if she threatened to leave him or blamed him for her mental issues/breakdowns he's most likely still carrying it with him and that's one of the reasons why he's desperately trying to make it right with this one relationship. It's something that's internalised. So yes maybe Sierra doesn't do much wrong compared to Arzaylea and actually maybe Sierra is like

Part 10 'dang I hate this thing someone said' but that's enough for Luke's brain to make a click, bring back the memories, the trauma and go into overdrive. This is an example but can be used to explain why Luke's trying so hard with Sierra compared to Arzaylea. Another thing that makes this relationship "worse" imo is that Luke's perception of reality wasn't accurate when he started his relationship with Sierra because of Arzaylea and now that little bit of love he feels like he receives is

Part 11 just wow and to him it is what real love feels like this is why your sense of personal worth should never depend on somebody else. And now he strongly believe that despite everything that goes wrong in his relationship, that little 1 thing that's going well is more than enough. he's never had that much so his fighting to keep it because it is sad but it's the most loved he's ever felt and he doesn't see why he could deserve more or how it could get better because to him, thats everything

Wheew, this was a trip to put together. You really did write me a book here, anon. But I completely understand what you’re trying to say. I come from a really abusive family, and even now I have issues where I’ll ask my bf if he’s mad at me and he’s like “you didn’t do anything, why would I be mad at you??!” Becuase I’ve been trained to think I’ve done something wrong if someone’s behaviour changes. And while I agree with most everything you said, I don’t think Sierra is unaware of Luke vulnerability due to the Larzaylea fuck show. That being said, I’m not sure if Sierra dated anyone between Alex and Luke. I don’t believe the roommate story, and none of the other mods do either. There’s no evidence behind it. I don’t know who the other guy is so I can’t speak to that. But she did have a lot more time between her and Alex’s breakup and her and Luke’s relationship beginning. Keep in kind she was still touring with Alex after they broke up, and that could have stunted any healing, but I truly can’t say. Time doesn’t always heal everything. And again I can’t speak to that break up, but I think it says a lot that she went on to drag his name during an interview after. As we’ve seen recently with Selena Gomez, she said she always kept quiet about her personal life out of respect. She wouldn’t even air out dirty laundry in her songs, and eventually she decided that her story was worth being told and she didn’t need to stay silent to protect those who hurt her. But she didn’t give an interview painting herself as an angel and throwing exes under the bus. And I think it says a lot that Sierra immediately went to the media, and even since that Alex has stayed mum on the subject.

I agree with the psychological damage points, and that Luke is likely overcompensating, if the relationship is real. Which in all honesty I’m leaning more towards as time goes on, but I’m still convinced even if they do like/love/whatever each other, modest! has some heavy handed access/control over it. And that could be perhaps to avoid a repeat of the Larzaylea mess, maybe they made Sierra sign a NDA, but I digress. Luke may also be convinced that because he didn’t defend Arzaylea, fans thought he didn’t care about her or was a bad boyfriend. It could have very easily been Arzaylea saying “hey you don’t defend me so you don’t love me, or fans see it as you don’t think I’m important enough to defend” etc. I don’t think Sierra is necessarily a bad person, while I’m entirely convinced Arzaylea was a shit-tier human being.

That being said, I do think she’s very aware that she is manipulating Luke, and taking advantage of the psychological damage Arzaylea did. I think that damage also makes him easier to manipulate or control and let me explain why.

TW - ALCOHOLISM, SUICIDE, VERBAL & PHYSICAL ABUSE

My dad was an alcoholic, and he committed suicide when I was very young. Because my mum left him, because he was becoming more abusive. Unfortunately instead of being the wake up call she wanted it to be, he shot himself and left her a note that said “I hope you got what you wanted”. Now, needless to say, this fucked my mum up really bad. She has never recovered. She has thrown all her emotions into a box, she is very clinical and doesn’t let her emotions control her. Which can be good sometimes but she’s very distant and cold. That being said, my mum married my step dad about 6 years after my bio dad passed away. She was not healed, let me tell you. She never sought counselling and is not on any sort of medication. My step dad was like the perfect man, before they got married, he cooked, he cleaned, and he was okay with the fact she had two young kids, one in elementary school and one just starting high school. But after they got married and he had control, oh everything changed. He isolated her from all of her friends and even her family. He was and still is verbally abusive and on occasion he can be physically abusive, but it’s rare. To her and all of his kids, including my sister and I. If he doesn’t get his way he throws a tantrum, calls everyone awful names and says awful things. He needs to control everything. While I love my step dad because he helped raise me, he is a controlling abusive person. And while he has a lot of psychological damage himself I’m not going to get into that, but know that he has a kind heart, and he does love my mother and he would die for her. But when he loses his temper he says horrible things. And he knows about the abuse my mum suffered at the hands of my bio dad, and how she has never healed. My bio dad told my mum she couldn’t cook, and if she ever left him he’d get the kids even though he was a raging alcoholic, couldn’t hold down a job AND she was doing all the child care on top of a full time job. Like she had the daycare ladies prepared to call 911 if we didn’t show up at daycare when she was out of town for work, but I’m off track here. The point I’m trying to get to is my step dad would abuse my mum, and use things my bio dad did or said to her, to hurt her more. An example of this is, if my mum tried to walk away during one of my step dads yelling fits, he would say “yeah, walk away just like you did with [my bio dad’s name]”. Because he knows she blames herself for leaving him, and she thinks his death was her fault. My step dad knows my mum will never leave him, because of what my bio dad did when she left. He could burn their house down around them and she wouldn’t leave.

With that story I would like to say, please don’t judge my mum or either of my dads. You don’t know the whole story and I don’t want to share all of it. I’m using it as an example because I know it well.

The point in trying to make here, is one it’s very VERY common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another. Because abusers can recognize the signs of a victim, and those who were abused, when treated with even a small amount of love, or kindness often see it as a very big deal. They tend to think they are worthless or don’t deserve it, as they’ve been told many times over. Two, believe it or not, being abused before can make people more susceptible to being abused again. This is because of the reasons mentioned above, they think they are worthless, or are wooed by very small acts, or both. And three, that the new partner can and often will use personal things about the abuse they suffered from someone else, to control or hurt their partner more, becuase they know it’s already a deep seated pain. And while I’m not saying Sierra is for sure 100% doing this, it is very easily a possibility and she could be doing some of it without knowing. Just because a year, or 5 or 10 have gone by doesn’t mean the person has healed, and sometimes new partners open old wounds. This has been a whole TEDtalk sorry y’all. Also disclaimer if anyone comes into the ask box saying rude things about my family it will be deleted and you will be blocked.

[dorotheajanegilmore]

Devil’s Daughter [Dean Winchester]

Previous: 1,2,3,4,5

Warnings: family drama (kind of an abusive mother? Neglectful might be a better word)

Characters: Elle (Ofc), Dean, Sam, Jack, Castiel.

Chapter six

My nap ended when we were an hour away from Rochester. I woke to the sound of loud talking but when I looked around, everyone was silent.

"And if she's my sister then could I have more siblings? Perhaps Lucifer got around more than we know. What if she's more powerful than me because her mother's a demon? Lilith has power right? Why is she staring at me?"

Jack gave me an awkward smile as I looked up at him with wide eyes. I opened my mouth to say something when I began to hear another persons thoughts.

"I mean yeah she's hot but she's also Lucifer's Daughter. No Dean, you cannot go there! Control your thoughts, focus on the road asshole!"

Listening to Dean's thoughts got interrupted when I accidentally glanced at Sam and then I got his full inner monologue.

"Poor girl's probably terrified. Imagine waking up battered and bruised, being kidnapped and tortured and then being brought to us idiots? I mean, she seems fine. She hasn’t really tried to escape us so I guess she must like us a little."

Before Castiel's thoughts could enter my mind as well I put my hands over my ears and yelled "Could you all stop thinking for just one second!"

Receiving concerned stares from them I sighed and pulled my hands down to my side. "I can hear what you're all thinking. Jack, yes you might have more siblings out there and no I don't think I'm more powerful than you. Dean, yes you should concentrate on the road asshole. And yes Sam, yes I am terrified but yes I do like you idiots. Please can everyone just try to silence their minds until I can figure out how to keep out of them? Thank you."

I sank back in my seat in a huff, arms folded and breathing heavily. I did everything I could to distract myself from not listening to what everyone was thinking, the only thing seeming to work for now was singing songs in my mind.

———

"Elle. Elle. Come on Elle, we're here." Dean placed a hand on my shoulder and gently rocked me.

I opened my eyes to see him leaning through the car door trying to wake me. He gave me a soft smile and held out a hand. I took it and he helped me out of the old car.

My hand felt strange in his, like there was some sort of electricity travelling from his palm to mine. I felt butterflies in my stomach as his green eyes looked down at me and his lips curved up into a smile. No, Elle. You can’t develop feelings for this guy! No.

As he pulled me to my feet I instantly recognised my surrounding. I looked across the street to see the familiar grey house standing loud and proud with bright white windows and a cute picket fence.

"I used to dream of having a house like this. It is the American dream right? I can practically smell the freshly baked pie." Dean admitted, looking down to me with sad eyes. "Instead I got motel rooms and vending machine dinners."

I shrugged and looked ahead at the house. "It's not what it's all cracked up to be. I'd take adventure over boredom any day. My mother has never baked a pie and my dad was never around. Both too busy for me and Hallie but seemed to have all the time in the world for Alex. Trust me when I say, suburban family life brings nothing but trouble."

I walked up the driveway with nothing but anger boiling through me as I remembered how little my mother cares for me. The only reason I insisted on coming here was to see my father, sister and baby brother and collect my things.

I stopped outside the front door on the little porch and looked back at Dean, who was a few feet behind me. "Don't believe me? Watch this." His eyes bore into my back as I pressed the little white door bell.

A few seconds passed before door opened, exposing a chirpy Rose Ramsey in a blue floral apron and a warm expression. Her warm expression faded when she noticed it was just me. "Oh, Hi Elle. What brings you here?" She said blandly, disappointed that it was only me.

"Hi Mom, nice to see you too. Huh? Oh yeah I'm good thanks, not too bad. Can I come on?" I sarcastically responded and she rolled her eyes.

"Less of the attitude daring, men don't like snarky girls." She pulled back the door to let me in before she noticed the company behind me. "Oh, dear. Who are your friends?”

Her fake smile returned as we stepped into the hallway. I didn't answer and walked directly into the living room.

My father sat in his brown recliner chair in the corner by the window, reading his newspaper. As always.

"Elle! Darling, me and Hallie have been worried sick!" My father rushed to his feet and quickly swept me up into his loving arms. Dad was never around much due to work but when he was, it was amazing! He's was the loving and caring parent while my mom is more...distant and cold.

"Well glad to know someone cares about me." I admired into the shoulder of his shirt.

"ELLE! OH MY GOD!" Hallie's feet thumped down the stairs as she ran at me, practically tackling me into the couch.

"I've been worried sick! You haven't answered any of my calls or texts. I lost you a month ago at that damn club where the hell have you been oh my god! I have the police out looking for you!" Hallie rambled angrily at me, furiously wiping tears from her eyes.

My mother scoffed and put her hands on her hips. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Enough of the dramatics, Hallie. I told you she'd be fine. Probably just pulling a stunt on us, you know how Elle is."

"Actually." Dean interrupted, stepping forward and pulling his wallet from his pocket. "I'm FBI Agent Caplin and this is my partner Agent O'Connell. Police saved your daughter from a kidnapper a few days ago and we were just safely bringing her home."

I smirked impressed at Dean’s quickly thought up lie. Some might call it tasteless but I appreciated it, it was sweet. He didn’t have to do that for me but he did, and I’d definitely owe him later on.

My mother looked absolutely flabbergasted. She opened her mouth to say something but all that came out were stutters. Her face paled out and she looked like she had seen a ghost. "Elle..." she breathed out, not knowing what to say to me. "Did you seriously put yourself in danger like that? How did you let a kidnapped get to you?"

Of course she would say that. Of course it's my fault. I sighed and shrugged. "I don't know mom, maybe I was bored. I think I just got really bored and said you know what I feel like doing today? Getting myself kidnapped."

"Unbelievable." Dean mumbled to himself. He could feel himself getting riled up, not knowing how one person could be so cruel and heartless. He kept thinking to himself how can anybody seriously twist a situation to blame the victim? He was about two seconds from flipping when he felt Sam pinch his arm, silently warning him to keep his cool.

"Right, well we'll be leaving now. We need to finish up the paperwork in our car." Sam told my mother and looked at me.

Take as long as you need, we'll wait for you in the impala. I'm so sorry Elle.

I nodded and he sent me a small smile. He turned around and began pulling Dean out of the house and down the path.

Jack looked at me like he had no idea what to do. I quickly stood up and rushed over to him. I could see the confusion on my mother's face as she looked between me, Jack and Castiel.

"Mom, Dad, Hallie, this is Jack and his father Castiel. Jack's a friend from the college." I introduced them and they received warm welcomes from my mother, something that I was certainly not going to get.

After an hour or so of catching up with my dad and Hallie, Alex came in from his play room. He gravitated towards me, his little 3-year old legs carrying him as fast as they could.

"Elle! Elle!" He lifted his arms up signalling that he wanted me to pick him up. I did so and sat him on my knee. "Where go? Where go?" He lifted his hands up in a questioning manner, it was incredibly cute!

"I've been busy little dude." I told him as he looked up at me with his little blue eyes. "I've missed you pal." I gave him a up and he giggled.

He looked over my shoulder and began waving at Jack. He started trying to jump out of my arms to get to him and I laughed.

"He likes you, Jack." I told the weary angel and he smiled.

"Hi there little human." Jack waved back at Alex innocently. I laughed at how pure the moment was before a thought entered my head. My brother was meeting my brother, but little Alex could never know that.

I could never tell my parents that I was a miracle baby from Lucifer and Lilith to them. How would I even start to explain that? They’d have me in a straight jacket before I could blink.

Alex started crying and my mom took him of off me to give him his pacifier. She bounced him on her hip as she looked at me. "Have you lost weight? You have a bags under your eyes? Oh and chapped lips, come on Elle how much does lip balm cost?"

As my mother began listing my faults I slapped my hands down on my knees and stood up. "Please excuse me for a second."

I hurried passed my mother and up the stairs. I stepped into my old room and ran to my wardrobe. I pulled down the purple suitcase and threw it on my bed.

I ripped all of my clothes out of my wardrobe and threw them onto my bed. Underwear, pyjamas, jeans, skirts, dresses, everything I owned landed on the bed in a massive pile.

I looked at the mess on my desk, before my Crowley instructed kidnapping happened I was on spring break and so brought all of my NYU work home with me. I slid it of the desk into the small trash can, it over flowed and filled up the space beside my bed. I shrugged, I'll finish that at some point.

After throwing everything I wanted to keep onto my bed I looked at it with wide eyes. The mountain of materials made my head ache. No one needs this much crap. I shrugged and began packing. Knowing that the purple case wasn't gonna hold everything I thought for a moment....what if I use my "powers".

I pushed myself up from the ground and lifted my right hand. I envisioned the glowing red powers again and they appeared in my palm. I then imagined one of my t-shirts levitating into my case and sure enough, the red wisps traveled through the air to the garment and put it in my case.

———

Dean was sitting at the wheel looking at the map. The journey home is going to be a long one. A flash of light caught his attention and he looked around, he couldn't see anything. A few seconds later It happened again and he followed the trail of red light.

A window on the Ramsey's second floor was aglow with red energy. He smiled to himself as he saw Elle using her power to pack her suitcase.

"I have a feeling we're gonna be stuck with her for a while, Sammy." Dean said randomly.

Sam furrowed his brows, wondering what on Earth his brother was talking about. Dean nodded to the window and Sam looked up. He looked back down at his dad's journal with a smile.

"We better prepare one of the spare rooms."

Tags: @lilulo-12 @vicmc624

[sailorzakuro]

SCD Week 11: Musicals Week Thoughts

I’m distracted by Christmas but I’ll try my best.

Chris and Karen - YAAAAS KING CHRIS SLAYED AGAIN. Yeah I admit the actual Foxtrot part needed improvement but COMPARE IT TO HIS AMERICAN SMOOTH AND WOW his free hand is EXCELLENT he’s holding his own frame a lot better honestly it’s a great improvement XD. It wasn’t perfect ofc maybe he needed dynamics in his legs so it looked more like he was dancing, but the stuff out of Foxtrot HE LOOKED BLOODY PROFESSIONAL I’m just in awe XD. And, I haven’t spoiled it again and I’m not going to, but I’m expecting it (or I won’t be surprised by it) so if he did go last night I’m glad he went out on a HIIIGH, and I will miss him for the one week without him till the losers dance <3.

Alex and Neil - Eeeeee it wasn’t dreadful XD. Similar to Chris her parts out of the Samba were pretty good, that hip hop street style really suits her and she kept up with that really well. The actual Samba though, it didn’t have bounce which is important, but I saw some hip action XD. It wasn’t stiff at all (it was better than some Sambas I’ve seen this series lol) but yeah needed to be a bit more loose, and her arms need WOOOORK still precision is really needed XD. It was still fairly enjoyable though, I WAS distracted by just bopping along to the song remembering Ninja Yell (THE MISSED OUT THE RAP NAO DID I WAS SO MAD) and also the fact it wasn’t Six (yeah still mad about that). OH ALSO FOR THOSE WHO DIDN’T SEE ALEX ACTUALLY REPLIED TO ME ON TWITTER ABOUT SIX IT WAS ICONIC.

Kelvin and Oti - Meh miffed it was the live action version but I GUESS IT’S MUSICALS AND NOT FILMS SO OH WELL XD. Anyway enough of my pettiness I THINK THIS DESERVED A 10 CRAIG it was amazing!! His head is in the right place in frame this time yippeeeeee XD. Idk what else to say the dance in hold was amazing, the other theatrical stunts were perfect, he was literally Gaston IRL, it was just amazing XD.

Karim and Amy - 

Well I don’t think I need to say anything, Craig summed it up pretty well in his feedback XD. So what I will say is I’M MAD AT THE WARDROBE AND STYLIST DEPARTMENT I’m really confused cos like... Amy’s dress, clearly inspired by Tracy’s in that final scene during the actual song You Can’t Stop The Beat, right? Karim, clearly dressed like Link in that scene, yeah it’s all obvious yeah cool. BUT... Amy’s hair is exactly like Penny’s... WHY??? YOU CAN’T HAVE THE DRESS OF ONE CHARACTER AND THE HAIR OF ANOTHER IT DOES NOT WORK.

Emma and Anton - She did surprisingly well at the Charleston!! Personally I wouldn’t have scored it a 10 purely for want of a bit more fast dynamics to really get that energy of a Charleston, but it was bloody good!! Lol sorry I’m worn out after my Hairspray rant XD.

Woo k done, ranking goeeees...

Chris and Karen (sorry this is where they will remain) Karim and Amy Kelvin and Oti Emma and Anton Alex and Neil

And that’s it! I have to say it was a BLOODY GOOD musicals week XD. Esp after last year when they were mostly pretty rubbish musicals (to me anyway lol) and the standard is really high now, I genuinely don’t know who could go XD. I MEAN YOU KNOW MY FEELING I WON’T SAY IT AGAIN BUT I HAVE THAT FEELING so you may get an emotional results show post this evening if my feeling is correct XD.

[closetofanxiety]

Fight for the Fallen: Thoroughly OK-ish

I watched AEW’s third show on Saturday, and let me tell you: it was OK.

I think I’m just becoming impatient with waiting for the weekly show to start, so we can finally get a clear idea of what this company is going to look like. A string of exhibition-type shows threaded together by various YouTube series is not going to be the model; that’s every indie company on earth right now. This show did not really give any more hint about the eventual direction of AEW on TNT than either previous show, and to boot, had worse matches overall. The panic in some online quarters is unjustified; they’re still starting out, and in a much better position than any non-WWE wrestling company since the 1990s. Still, if this was my first exposure to AEW, I don’t know whether it would leave me eager for more.

The Good

* The pre-show was much better! It was short, it was mostly matches and video packages, and the cringe-inducing comedy was kept to a reasonable minimum. 

* The crowd seemed really into MJF, Sammy Guevara, Shawn Spears, Joey Janela, and, especially Darby Allin in their six-man tag match (for which Jimmy Havoc was also present). Darby Allin has gotten over more in two AEW shows than he did in two years with EVOLVE. This was basically a sampler plate of what these guys are capable of, but the crowd heat really indicates they could have future stars on their hands. 

* Speaking of future stars: holy cow are A Boy And His Dinosaur over. People were NUTS for Luchasaurus and Jungle Boy, ably assisted by Marko Stunt. Even if you know nothing about them, they’re an immediately compelling visual: a giant-dinosaur man, a feral jungle boy, and (as Spectacle of Excess noted) a Hobbit. I not only want to see them wrestle a bunch, I want to go on adventures with them. 

* Awesome Kong seems like she’s going to be a regular member of the roster, and they teased a Kong vs. Kong feud when Aja Kong came out to stare down Awesome. 

* Kenny Omega vs. CIMA was great. A state-of-the-art wrestling match from two vets who, incredibly, had not wrestled each other before.

* Excalibur continues to impress on commentary.

* Jericho’s promo was good stuff.

* The video packages are really well done. One of the problems that other would-be majors have had in competing with WWE is that they look second-rate and cheap in terms of production value. AEW does not have this problem: they are already at the WWE’s level in terms of set building, camera quality, and pretaped packages. This seems like a minor deal, but it’s important for casual fans and newbies; while you and I may crave the gritty haphazard nature of a small-town indie show headlined by someone named the Midnight Fatso, people who have not yet been totally infected by the wrestling bug are immediately put off by anything that screams “second-rate.” Making AEW look like a sports show or network reality show is a hugely important step for them. 

The Bad

* There were a couple of production screw-ups that really made the show feel like amateur hour: when the broadcast began running garbled closed-captioning during the women’s tag match, and then at the end of the show when Matt Jackson was doing his post-match promo and got shut down by a music cue like it was the Oscars and someone’s award acceptance speech was running too long.

* They should put someone in charge who does not wrestle matches. They’re too self-indulgent in terms of pacing and length when it comes to their own stuff. The Hangman Page vs. Kip Sabian match felt like it lasted for hours, and the main event tag team bout took way too long. It seemed like they decided to do an old school, Southern-style match as a riposte to critics who deride them as spot monkeys, but guess what: those critics are never going to be won over. And the people who like the Young Bucks for being the Young Bucks are unlikely to fall in love with a match where one heat segment on Matt featured the Rhodes boys working over his left arm for EIGHT MINUTES. You don’t want one of your VPs/top tier stars muttering “I guess we’re short on time” into a live microphone at the end of your show because his segment is being cut short by the production truck. Trim the fat from these matches.

* The women’s tag match was kind of messy, and since we know now that Britt Baker got a concussion midway through, we know the reason for some of that. But whoever agents these matches needs to do a better job communicating with the joshi workers; Riho and Shoko were throwing popcorn punches that visibly didn’t connect, something I noticed also during the joshi match at Fyter Fest. Are they being told to work lighter because Americans aren’t used to the stiff Japanese style? Whatever the case, it made the match look clumsy.

* Ideally in a three-person commentary booth, labor is divided this way: you have a staid play-by-play announcer keeping the action moving; you have a stats monger who provides insight and context; and you have a color commentator, usually an ex-jock, who provides pop and sizzle. Right now in AEW, Excalibur fills all three roles. Jim Ross just seems lost and ornery, while Alex Marvez occasionally chimes in with factoids that sound like he’s reading them off his phone (perhaps he is). 

* Is Brandi Rhodes a heel? Before her match with Allie, they showed an ESPN-style video package where she talked about impostor syndrome, about being afraid she can’t hang with the people on the roster who’ve been wrestling for long years, about her insecurities as a performer. This was very well done, and naturally built audience sympathy. She then came out for her match and brought Awesome Kong as muscle, and proceeded to wrestle in a cartoonishly heel fashion, event spitting water in Allie’s face like a member of Oedo Tai. After the match, Brandi and Kong beat Allie down until Aja came out to make the save. Now, a heel whose rulebreaking is fueled by self-doubt and insecurity is a good character, but that’s not how this came across. Just like with Cody, who’s a heel on Being the Elite and a face during live shows, the way this was handled just looked like they don’t know what to do with one of their marquee names. 

* I like the openly Memphis nature of the Dark Order, but they are dead in the water with the crowd. They were also the best wrestlers in their three-way match, but again, they got almost nothing from the audience, who doesn’t get (or doesn’t like) what their gimmick is supposed to be. There needs to be a course correction on these guys, because they’re very talented, but the current gimmick is not working. 

Miscellaneous

* I once went to a wedding in July in Jacksonville, and let me tell you: I understand why that crowd seemed quiet and deflated. Apparently this specific venue and design was Tony Khan’s dream, but running an outdoor show in North Florida in July, with post-sundown temperatures still at 85 degrees with mushroom-grade humidity, is perhaps not the best strategy.  A lively crowd can make an average wrestling show seem amazing, and a dead crowd can make a great wrestling show seem lackluster.  

* Having spent some time in Jacksonville, I am familiar with the flamboyant personal injury attorneys Farah & Farah, and was delighted to see not only that they were sponsors of this event, but that Eddie Farah himself was seated ringside, waving a cup of beer around and hollering. 

[crazyfreckledginger]

Jason Todd x Reader - “Ice Skating And Truffle Making” [Part 2]

Have the most romantic day with your boyfriend with no interruption from his stupid brothers.

A/N: Part 2 of the fic for my babe @pythiaaa hope you like it! ^^

Warning: Floof? I also mention religion -- not stating my opinion and even if I did, no hate!

After Jason cleared the table, despite the girl’s insistence in helping, they paced out of the coffee shop, holding onto each other to stay in their warmth that shielded them from the cold.

“Still pretty cold,” she shivered lightly, hogging his arm and nuzzling his shoulder to keep her face in the warmth as much as possible.

“Yeah, but don't worry, we're going to the interior ice rink, everyone is going to the one near the festival so it's going to be relatively quiet there.” he explained, holding her close. She nodded, sighing in relief as the huge building revealed itself to them.   The girl pulled his hand, practically dragging him inside the building, moaning softly as the warm ventilating system warmed her up as soon as the doors closed.

“I can stay under here forever,” Jason chuckled before (Y/N) kissed his cheek and pulled him with her again.

“Good, because we're not staying here,” she snorted, moving him to the entrance.

He pouted, interlocking their fingers together.

“How much for two people?” Jason raised an eyebrow at the man behind the counter.

“Since it's Valentine's Day, there's a discount which makes it now at a price of 10$ an hour per person.” He explained unenthusiastically. The girl cringed at the statement and glanced at her boyfriend to see his reaction. He peered over at her as well, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

“We'll take an hour and a half -- for both of us!” He stated firmly, sliding a ten dollar and twenty dollar bill across the counter. The man nodded, typing on his computer and giving them two plastic wristbands.

“Here, keep these on until you have to leave, you'll be able to access any place in the building, enjoy your stay,” he directed slowly.

“Great, thank you,” Jason chuckled nervously, pulling her away from him and towards the ice rink “what a great interaction,” He stated sarcastically.

“Don't be mean babe, he clearly loves his job!” she snorted, putting the wristband on and waiting for him to follow him inside the rink. Jason chuckled softly as he paced behind her to the shoe stand.

After they took their shoes and slipped them on, they cautiously walked on the rink, Jason more awkwardly so than her.

“Oh god, I forgot how to do this,” a thick blush peppered his cheeks -- maybe just as much as the colour of his sweatshirt.

“It's okay babe, I'll help you,” She smiled reassuringly at her as his arm slid around her shoulders and she held his chest, pecking his neck.

He nodded shyly, holding onto her as she slowly glided on the ice like an angel. Soon enough, he finally got the hang of it again and they skated around the rink, goofing around and attempting to do fancy stunts -- thank god there weren't many people around.

“Ahh, I need a sugar fix!” She sighed happily, slipping her normal shoes on and stretching, “I'm going to buy a Coke-”

“No! We are going to make truffles remember, and besides, did you know a can of coke contains ten teaspoons of sugar?” he explained matter-of-factly. The girl laughed, kissing his cheek.

“Oh really my cute little dork? Tell me more!” he blushed as he stammered with more facts on their way home.

“Are we ready to bake?” Jason grinned as she soon returned in leggings and one of his sweatshirts.

“Still shirtless huh?” She teased with tinted pinkish cheeks, nudging his side with her shoulder.

“You know it, I love being on display for you and besides, I love seeing that cute flustered expression on your face,” He chuckled, dipping down to nibble on her earlobe.

“Stawp,” She slapped his oncoming hand away from her.

“Okay,” He chuckled, starting the video and leaning against the countertop. They both watched patiently, absorbing every detail.  

“Did you listen to that? Chop the chocolate!” (Y/N) pinched his arm, pointing at the chocolate.

“Ow,” He whined, “yes ma’am, coming right up!” He opened the chocolate bars and placed the chunks in the heat-proof bowl.

After some extensive ordering Jason around and following the only recipe by the book.

“Last step!” The girl grinned, “cocoa powder!” she opened the lid and pulled a tablespoon out of the cupboard “Oh, we should try that cinnamon challenge but with cocoa powder! I dare you to do it!” The biggest grin tore on her lips.

“What’s that?” Jason raised an eyebrow at her.

“Basically, you have to put a spoonful of powder in your mouth and eat it in under a minute without drinking anything during the challenge.”

“That is for feeble people, I don’t even need to do it to know I’m the best at all challenges!” Jason’s eyes gleamed with pride.

“Yeah, okay Mister I’m good-at-it-all!”

“Babe, you know I can do it, it’s a waste of time” His eyes narrowed at her playfully.

“Okay,” The girl teased slightly. He grumbled before pecking her temple as he scooped a spoonful of the cocoa powder. Jason mumbled something under his breath. (Y/N) didn’t hear it but she knew exactly what he said.

“You can’t be serious,” She snorted, “did you just pray to God? I thought you said he doesn’t exist according to you,”

“I know I don’t believe in God but when I need something be sure as hell I would be asking him for it,” He chuckled. The girl howled in laughter, as Jason’s smile widened at her outburst.

“Okay now staaaaaaawp, I can’t do this if I’m laughing can I?” He chuckled.

“I’m sure you can’t do it even when you’re not laughing,” She snickered, winking teasingly at him.

“Challenge, accepted,” He nodded, suddenly putting the whole spoon in his mouth. The girl kept a huge smile on her face as she examined him, seeing his eyes widen slightly at the sensation of the powder in his mouth. He kept it, not daring to do anything until he fully dot used to the feeling. His eyes stared in hers at the unexpected realisation.

“Hm,” She chuckled, leering at him with a challenging smirk. He gave her an I-know-best-look before gulping.

He suddenly coughed, cheeks flushing as his throat gagged and spat the whole powder out of his mouth. His lungs contracted, getting as much of the powder out of his system as possible.

Soon after recovering, he groaned, “I’m okay, I’m okay,” shaking his head reassuringly. (Y/N) laughed again, hand against her chest to try and catch her breath. Jason pouted as she found herself sitting on the floor, back against the counter and giggling, her laughter slowly dying down.

“You’re the best huh?” She panted.

“That’s what you were screamin’ yesterday sweetheart!” He pulled her off the floor, cornering her against the counter. Her cheeks flushed as she bit her lip, staring at his.

“You’re a dork,” She breathed out.

“I’m your dork,”

“That’s also true!” She grasped his collar, kissing him lips hungrily, “you taste like cocoa,” Jason pinched her side playfully. “Ow!!!”

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