#but also if u asked him to take a bath with u he just wouldve said yes like thats not the same as saying take a break

[firstofficerkittycat]

i need to find that fic where kirk and spock were in iowa in the middle of winter and spock insisted on going out to help him run errands and fell in the snow and got hypothermia and kirk ran him a bath to warm him up and then it turned out spock was actually having a great time and hgave himself hypothermia on purpose just to get jim to takw a bath with him because he is a masochist

[kmgkmg]

“almost included a lil text abt hosh accidentally adding joshua to a gc that he meant to add vernon and gyu to....hosh wouldve sent something like "so how long do yall wanna bet it's going to be until they're engaged" and joshua would wait for everyone to place their bets and then be like "well now you all owe me money since we just got engaged" *sends a pic of his hand and an engagement ring* BUT ALAS. i settled on a dating anniversary instead. just know in that universe, they would eventually get married (an extra little epilogue just for you anon)”

ynshie….marriage…..real…..(i explode into tiny little pieces) i actually screamed and nearly rolled off my bed when i read “well now you all owe me money since we just got engaged” like i prayed for times like these FR!!! (i dont think ill ever get over ynshie ever this extra epilogue will live in my brain thank you so so much 😭😭🫶🫶)

also THERE WAS A PLAYLIST BREAKDOWN?? actually dropping everything to read it all while listening to the playlist im so excited to read it rn tysm <33

(also i just noticed that u posted a ww fic??? omw to read it rn . angst will not stop me) (i will eat my words soon)

-⛺️

put my reply under the cut so our message won't be too long on the dashboard but 😗🫳*picks up the little pieces of u one by one that have exploded*

BUT YEAHHHHH!!!! there are so many lil headcanons abt this fic anonnie!!!!!!!!!! since u like the lil nuggets.. i'll shower u in some unused photos and their What Ifs!!

1...firework/sparkler pic: remember the tweet after cabin wars when joshua realized how cute reader looked when they were happy...yeah reader would've had that realization too on the 4th!!!!! joshua probably asked vernon to take the pic and he would post it on main being kinda fuckboyish but reader and joshua would (obliviously) be flirting in the comments. like get together alr 🙄 2...vernon/josh preoccupied on their phones: reader would send this pic to hoshi and be like "they've been trying to figure out how to load a tiktok compilation vid onto the tv for the kids...who's gna tell them that i hid the remote? 😝" reader just being chaotic since hoshi would b gone that day for personal reasons or smthn 3...joshua bed pic: I WAS SOOOOO TEMPTED TO USE THIS ONE! the thing is though it looks soooooo like Professionally taken, yknow? but it would've been vernon being a little cupid, texting reader like "we mentioned your name and suddenly bro is wide awake" LIKE LOOK HOW PRECIOUS HE LOOKS???? it could pass for him being infatuated w you and UGHHH yeah!!

4...mud masks: the camp has rewarded the counselors for taking care of the campers all summer! free spa day for all of them! except nobody told joshua and hoshi where the mud bath was and the spa was nature themed so um. when they saw a pool outside of the changing rooms with mud, they automatically thought that it must be the place w rejuvenating mud for the skin! yeah no...it's just an old pool that hasn't been cleaned. so they have actual dirty mud/clay on their face. reader and vernon come back from buying snacks like ??????? how are you so muddy when we didn't even tell you where to go??? and reader takes that pic of them just utterly shocked like !!!!!! wym that pool wasn't even a part of the spa?!!??!! 5...karaoke night: again, a counselors only type of event. they would go to the local pub and have fun (maybe drink, maybe not idk!) but you and hoshi would encourage joshua to sing and vernon to rap! joshua would go after you kept whining, he's a sucker for you, and ofc start singing sunday morning. reader would tweet the video and caption it like "living up to the username i see @/sundaymorning" 6...pfp: ok this one is the most nugget of nuggets but i was considering making this joshua's pfp/icon for reader and joshua's texts! it would b for after they're together! i was gna add a bit abt how he makes funny faces to cheer reader up. he made that face one day during one of your facetimes, so you screenshotted it and always look at his contact pic when you feel down!

if you did get the chance to check out the breakdown i would b soooo interested to know which song(s) u think fits the series the best!! i def have my own picks for the ones i listened to a lot and used the most 🤭

THE WONU FIC!!!!!!!! my friend is a wonu stan and i was texting her like... yeah almost done w the wonu angst.. and she was like WONWOO?? ANGST????? 🤲 it was soooo funny bcos she's v chill but she was eating up the little sections of the fic that i was sending her hehe

i also made two mbs on my other sb for the wonwoo fic: one based more on the vibes and one based on the aes! the one w wonwoo's face kinda flopped and i'm like 👁️ interesting... @ the followers on that blog

sorry for the late reply!! but hope u had a nice day <333

[mangomochi-yn]

[volleyball with the aces]

haikyuu best boi aces x reader

g. all around fluff! (and crack :P) wc. 12-17 bullets/ea

contains. bokuto k., sakusa k., asahi a., iwaizumi h., ushijima w., futakuchi k.

bokuto

this hyper baby

the minute you suggest it he’s shouting in excitement

would immediately get ready to serve at you, even stopping practice

((but luckily akaashi stops him to let you gear up))

“whoa y/n you have to practice with me now! youre good!!”

always. i repeat aLWAYS exclaims (with glee) when you make a tricky move like a curved spike or a float serve

laughs when he has to sprint to receive a feign

v v tempted to show off his spikes but doesn’t wanna hurt you (awe bb 🥺)

so he’ll pretend to go really hard but then mid air just like *taps* the ball. asgshgshshdksl

overall super fun and super loud

he literally just turns into a ball of sunshine and youre just 💘💞

10/10 can’t get better than him

sakusa

this boi

ya gotta convince for a while

will be like why? what brought this? you want to get sweaty and dirty? are you that bored?

like bruh 😑

eventually gives in when u tell him u just want to play with him

plays normally for the most part

(he knows you can handle some of his spikes and serves 💪)

but he will lightly tease you with a curveball every now and then

oh and btw you’re geared up to the max before you start like 💯

— im talking knee pads, elbow pads, hair tied up and tight, compression shorts (absolutely NO loose and hazardous clothes), and dont forget double knotted shoelaces

afterwards? i m m e d i a t e shower

you better drink your water in 10secs cause he will not hesitate to scoop you up and throw you in there if you take any longer

all in all was the game worth all the time it takes to gear up and the 1hr shower after?

100% — that small smile he had as he played with you was a blessing in itself

will give you some pointers too after just cause he hopes to play with you more smoothly next time

8/10 ur very clean now. very refreshed

asahi

now we all know how unsure and nervous this jesus is

so naturally, once u ask him he’ll be like 😳 with me? why?

ur like “ur my boyfriend asahi, who else would i play with” 😐

“noya’s pretty fun to play with”

😑 bruh

just act all pouty and mad and he’ll be right on it though

plays softly, very leisurely

it’s as if you two were just.. passing the ball to each other (and it got a bit boring)

so you told him

asahi spike em balls pls ☺️

he laughs but eventually does and right then and there you remember how he is the a c e

1 dive turns into 2, 2 turns into 3, next thing you knew you were rolling all over the place trying to receive (noya’s v proud btw)

meanwhile asahi was having so much fun so ur just like 🥺 dont matter! anything for him!!

“that was so much fun, y/n!” your heart melts at how he beams at you after, he was sweaty all over but somehow he said he felt ‘refreshed’

i think ur confused bby

but anyways 8/10 protect him at all costs or u catch these fists

iwaizumi

like sakusa this boy will be a bit sus

like he’ll say yeah right away but will be like??

when you tell him you just wanna play with him he then turns a bit of a cocky bitch (unintentionally!!)

hes like “😏 oh? i won’t hold back yknow.”

lies.

worse than boku he def holds back

just receives all the time like boy?? wheres that strong ass spike form i fell for? 

the minute you tell him to not be a 🅿️ussy though be ready cause he will get in the zone

— he decided he might as well use this for actual practice 💀

so in the end you’re dead. arms sore.

“we should do this more often babe its fun practicing with you” as he takes a swig from his water bottle shoving it to u after

how can you say no tho when you see that bright ass smile of his and hear his hearty laughter?

you lk regret asking but in the end what makes baby daddy happy — he gets 😪

another 8/10 at least u see the bara arms flex during the whole thing

ushijima

“huh okay”

ya kinda feel bad asking him cause he had to stop practicing but bbys like “no. we can play like you want it’s fine.”

and it’s like... hes playing with a child

(hes also part of the gear you to the max squad btw)

but anyways as he plays with u a few mins in you’re like 👁👄👁 boy what is this mockery

but then before you complain you now notice him gradually amping up his spikes— not just receiving as often any more (oh? 👀)

turns out baby boi was just assessing you it seems. agsshsksjjl what a man 💔

cracks a smile every now and then when you barely receive something while u shout-laugh loudly at him

then afterwards he hydrates u to the max

im talking g a l l o n s

(you got your 8 cups for the whole week now)

then offers to bathe or massage you if you’re too tired cause unlike u hes like so unaffected 😐

like one (1) single sweatdrop on his forehead and thats it

gives you pointers as he massages you too but overall says not to hesitate to ask him if you wanted to play again

another 10/10 baby’s perfect

futakuchi

sassy mf

“are you sure? i wont hold back you know.”

(him and iwaizumi — to the streets!)

((jk just him cause iwa is bae))

he’s still not done at just that btw

“did you want my attention that much 😘 im kinda busy tho” so u hit him with a “nah nvm then”

and this mf hugs you so fast and says he might as well since you asked (smh 🤦‍♀️)

and this boy..

he’s asahi but intentionally

— like why??? are you running back and forth the edges of the court???

“go go dateko!” he fuccin sings as he sees you run to where he received the ball to 💀

— the complete opposite side of where you were btw

will also urge and keep teasing you to try tricky moves on him

*loud fake gasp as you do a curve spike*

istg if you could still walk at the end of playing with him you wouldve drop kicked him instantly

smothers you with kisses and hugs, and offers to carry you home after though so you cant really be too mad 🙄

all in all 7 jelly legs out of 10 (hes lucky u love him)

a/n. i used to play varsity in my middle and high school vbc!! i loved being a pinch server but most of my days i was a wing spiker 😗 did one year as a libero and gave up immediately cause i had no idea how to dive properly (komori pls teach ur ways 🤲) i would literally sacrifice my w h o l e b o d y to receive every time

[beelziebabie]

Title: Alphabet Headcanons with Beelzebub — NSFW

Started: idk lmfao

Finished: 12:00 PM

SFW or NSFW?: NSFW

Reader Insert?: yup

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He needs food after. But other than that, he’s very tidy after. Will take you to the bathroom to clean your legs, vagina/penis and any part of your body that may smell. If he has to he’ll give you a bath.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Anywhere from the shoulders up. Loves leaving kisses on your collarbone and neck but he wouldn’t bite very often. Only if you asked.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically…)

His cum doesn’t taste very good. His diet is all over the place, so his cum has a rather tangy flavor to it. It isn’t enjoyable. He does have a lot of it. And I mean a lot. He’ll paint your walls white so quickly.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Since your first time with him was pretty embarrassing on his part, he did a lot of research on how to do things all related to sex. From there he went from articles on how to pleasure someone correctly without hurting them, to a playlist of video’s on pornhub— out of curiosity he watched them. All of them.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Not very experienced at all. You’d most likely have to guide him, and you have to tell him what you want and how you want it or he wont know that to do.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. )

Any position that lets him see a good view of your face. Not only for heated kisses, but also to see how well you’re handling him and how good he’s doing. He loves seeing your expressions and cant get enough of it.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

More serious, but if theres something to laugh about he will.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He doesn’t care much about the hair down there but wont let the hair get excessive. Especially when he starts getting more sexually active, he’s groom himself better. The carpet does match the drapes, but the hair there is a bit coarser and darker.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

He doesn’t talk much during it, mainly speaks with his eyes. Eye contact is a big thing with him and he needs to see your eyes.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He jacked off to the audio from the playlist of porn videos, mainly imagining it was you and him. He feels pretty bad about it but would never tell that he did it to you.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Food play, thats pretty obvious. Nothing too extreme though, he’d probably just put some whipped cream on your pubic area and lick it off while going down on you.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Would rather do it in the bedroom, sometimes the bathroom. That way its not as easy to get caught, especially by Lucifer.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

If you ever cook something for him and make it obvious that you want more that just a meal, then that’ll definitely get him going.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Would never transform into his demon form during it, even if you ask him to. He’s scared he might slip up or something and end up hurting you.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Would much rather give than receive. At first, he isn’t very good at it and is very sloppy, but over time he gets better based on your reactions and communication.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Very gentle, but if you rile him up enough that can quickly change. Run your hand across his chest, give him kisses dangerously close to his lips, anything to tease him. Expect to feel complete numbness in your legs the next couple of days though.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Not opposed to the idea. Wouldnt initiate quickies but if you gave hints he would go along with it.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Fine with experimenting! Just nothing that could be too dangerous, especially since youre human. Will always research whatever you want to experiment first before going through with it, even if you give him an idea of what it is.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He can go for many rounds if he’s horny enough. His lust will overpower his hunger and the longer that lust lasts, the better. But the moment he has calmed down he will need to eat so much food to not feel nauseous. He can also hold back his release fairly well, so he can last a little over 10 minutes before he has to let go.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He never really thought about sex much until he got an S/O. So he owns no toys and definitely is not experienced with them. He’s down to try though.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Not much of a teaser, would much rather get straight to the point (after oral of course). If he ever does tease you, you’ve done something to make him upset and is letting out his anger that way.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

You wont get any more than a couple grunts and groans from him. Even though he’s never felt pleasure before its pretty easy for him to quiet himself. He couldnt really be loud if he tried to, since he’s scared that Lucifer will catch you guys in the act.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He’d be lying if he never asked Asmodeus for advice on how to please you better—

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

I’m guessing that demons are more.. evolved? Than humans. The average length of a male demon is 6.5 inches. Beelzebub is the average height (thank god) but on the thicker side, and his dick curves a bit towards himself (when standing).

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Not very high. Like I’ve said before, he never really thought about sex much. Albeit, when he got a S/O his drive went up a little bit to meet yours, but other than that he can go multiple weeks without wanting sex.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Cant fall asleep after unless he has eaten a full course meal. Assuming that you wouldve passed out before he even got to the food, when he comes back he’ll clean you up even when you’re asleep and fall asleep right after.

[cherrysunflowers]

nsfw for kiss the canvas babes 👀👀

ok i am SO READY FOR THIS 

kiss the canvas babies

• who kissed who first?  

n&m: okay sO I feel like nicky PLANNED on kissing mo first??? but every time he tried during their first date, something would come up and the mood would just DIE and he'd get so frustrated abt it??? but lbr mo would’ve honestly just been like ‘fUCK IT’ and kissed him im cackling

j&m: i think jesse did?? bc it was during the power outage when margo was over rmr, and they were surrounded by candles and :’(( 

• who made the first move?

n&m: why,,, do i get the feeling mo did,,,, bc lets face it even tho nicky wants to fuCK he would most definitely wait until mo gives him a sign that she's down?? like yea they'd joke abt fucking and stuff like that, but he would most definitely not do anything crazy until she shows signs that she wants it, and even then, he would’ve asked for consent bc he is a Good Boy

j&m: okay so since jess is also a Good Boy, I feel like he would’ve also waited for margo to make the first move. and I feel like after lots of reassurance and affirmations, she would've finally gotten enough confidence to make the first move?? it wouldve definitely been a little thing tho, like maybe setting a hand on his chest, or nibbling his bottom lip or smth as they made out. just small things.

• what’s the relationship like?

n&m: ridiculously adventurous. spontaneous. not much is planned between the two of them. I feel like they wouldn't even plan dates, nick would just pick mo up at her apartment, and they just see where it goes. but they can also be rlly lazy and domestic?? like, when mo’s slammed with work, and nick is busy at the warehouse, they have date night at home and do takeout and a movie while wearing pyjamas y’know??

j&m: soft, really domestic and sweet. since jess’ got danny, it kind of already feels like they're married, really. since margo takes care of danny like she's his mother, and they already kind of have the whole family dynamic. so I feel the relationship consists of small acts of affection, like knowing smiles, and gentle touches, stuff like that. and since they aren't able to go out as much, their date nights mostly consist of home cooked meals, watching netflix and falling asleep on the couch at 11pm.

• who’s the most possessive?

n&m: nicky. definitely. he knows that girls like mo never ever give guys like him a chance. he doesn’t fuck around when it comes to guys flirting with her or trying to make moves. she’s the most special thing he’s ever had in his life, and hes absolutely terrified of her leaving him, even if it doesn't show.

j&m: I feel like its jess. since he knows everything about margo’s past, he’s dead set on protecting her. and that shows whenever he sees someone trying to talk to her in a way he knows isn’t all that innocent, or something like that. and all he'd even have to do is shoot them a look and thats it. 

• what is their favourite way to kiss?

n&m: ok lbr when they kiss, they fucking mAKE OUT. like fuckin’ all tongue or nothing, nicky does Not Fuck Around okay he thinks pecking is for pussies

j&m: softly. I feel like they wouldn't feel the need for all that passion and craze. margo would love leaving little kisses all over jess, whether its his shoulder, or back, or cheek, or lips. anywhere she can reach to show him her affection.

• who tops during sex?

n&m: I wanna say it’s pretty even? like before mo, he'd definitely be used to topping but when he and mo are together, I feel like both of them are good with whatever, and its pretty even on that front. just whoever wants to top goes for it lMAO

j&m: we’ve def talked about this and I think your answer to that was that jess always tops bc hes a dominant lil shIT !! but I feel like every RARE moment, margo would playfully roll them over and try to top, bc she just wants to tease him and :’)

• thoughts on sex toys?

n&m: nick would joke about using ropes n handcuffs n shit but I feel like mo would b the one to be like ‘listen buddy I hope ur fuckin serious and if not imma be pisSED’ 

j&m: the thought of sex toys would fLUSTER THE H E L L OUTTA MARGO??? like even though she ain’t a virgin, she's still !! such a lil prude !! and whenever the conversation comes up, she’d just get all flustered and would blush up a storm and !!!!

• most sensitive areas?

n&m: for nick, I wanna say its his neck and the spot right behind his ear, or where his jaw connects to his neck???

j&m: for margo, it would most definitely be her hair. if jess tugs her hair even the slightest bit, bITCH IS ON HEFJNK but also she would most definitely have a thing for him biting her lower lip while kissing :))

• do they shower/bathe together? if so, how far does anything go?

n&m: lets be real, they've fucked in the shower and the bath, these kids are like bunnies ok I stg. but there are times where its just soft and tender, and all they wanna do is be cute and wash the other’s hair yknow??

j&m: I feel they’d def shower and bathe together, and maybe yeah they'd fuck in the shower, but I cant see them having sex in the bathtub?? like I feel like margo only ever rlly takes baths when she's stressed or sad, so whenever jess joins her, its to cheer her up yknow??? iDK LMK WHAT U THINK OF THAT

• how do they like their sex?

n&m: I honestly feel like sex for them is a reflection of who they are as people. super passionate, exciting, full of love and affection for the other person. like, nicky would do nothing but try to please mo, and I feel like that would be the same thing the other way around. 

j&m: margo is lowkey plain as fuck when it comes to sex, just bc she's so nervous about trying new things?? jess probably has to suggest that they try new stuff bc she would’ve been brainwashed by v*nce that sex isn’t fun and that its a way for the guy to take out his frustrations and ://

• how rough can sex get before its taken too far?

n&m: okay honestly, nicky would be really careful when it comes to getting rough, bc even though hes been fighting for this whole life, he still doesn't know his own strength, and he would keep himself on a tight leash when it comes to that. like, when he feels himself getting out of hand with spanking, or just plain gripping her, he would have to pull back and take a breather, bc the last thing he would EVER wanna do is hurt her. but back in his fighting days, he wouldn't have cared, nor realized how rough he was bc baby boy was always on drugs. :// thats why hes so careful with mo, I feel like.

j&m: once again, this is a doozy bc like I said before, margo is pretty nervous when it comes to sex already, so I feel like she wouldn’t be able to handle too much rough stuff before getting triggered and having a panic attack. she’d be able to handle ur average groping and light spanking and would like having her hair pulled, but anything more rough than that, and she would freak out.

• favourite sex position

n&m: when mo is on top :)

j&m: margo tryna playfully get in control n topping but then jess rolling them over to show her who's boss :)

• if they could have a threesome, who would their third choice be?

n&m: jeSsE, obviously !1! lmAO im kidding. but I honestly don't know if nicky would wanna have a threesome?? like, to him, sex would be such an intimate thing, and he wouldn't wanna share that ( or mo ) with anyone else. hes definitely had threesomes in the past during his addict days tho oop-

j&m: def don't think margo or jess would’ve ever thought of having a third person join them? like nick, margo def believes that sex is a super intimate thing between two people ( unless they're poly, homegirl is an lgbt+ ally don't get it tWISTED ), and she wouldn’t wanna share jess with anyone else.

___ 

LET ME KNOW IF THIS WAS GOOD OR SHITTY IDK WHAT THE HELL IM DOING AAAA

[booknerd405]

The answer to the Shakespeare asks cuz I’m an idiot (love u Kate)

@themeltedheadaches i blame this on the tumblr mobile app but here ya go <3<3<3<3<3<3<3 (your answers were amazing btw aahhhhh)

Antony: What bad habits do you need to break?

cracking my back, procrastinating, thinking all my friends secretly hate me...

Beatrice: What is the achievement you’re most proud of?

tbh this is kinda embarrassing (esp. since i had to audition like 2 months late cuz i chickened out originally) but joining symphony and not being completely terrible at it cuz music has always been a super private thing for me and playing any instrument at all in front of/with a group of people who are judging me hardcore is v not like me at all so yeah.

Benvolio: What comes to mind when you think of peace?

reading a book for so long in my bed that i get super cold even in the middle of August, my stuffed animal, watching TV with my entire family stuffed onto that poor red couch we’ve had since i was born, (really any time i can sit and do nothing with someone i care about and it isn’t awkward), waking up to find my dog curled up against my butt

Bianca: What do you want most in life?

To be happy with my life and my choices. I don’t want to be near the end of my life and start regretting all the things i didn’t do or try because i was too scared of failure. to be able to look back and say that I truly lived.

Celia: Do you want to fall in love?

i’m assuming this means romantically, so the answer is yes. i felt a bit foolish aka my ego was highkey bruised after sophomore year but it was worth it. in a broader sense, i’m already in love with so many things and people, i fall in love with something or someone as often as i can. Today i fell in love with how strong the smell of spring hit so suddenly in back yard this year.

Circe: Would you rather be loved or feared?

...why not both??

Claudius: What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?

my mind immediately jumps to every time i was a bitch or rude or plain mean to someone in elementary school who just wanted a friend or to fit in. i know i was young and supposedly didn’t know any better but i’d been on the other end before and i hate that i contributed to someone else in the world feeling the same way i did

Cordelia: Do you consider yourself a good person?

i would say that I try my hardest

Cressida: What makes you feel trapped?

my laziness, feeling like i should be doing more with my day but not having the energy or willpower to even get up

Desdemona: Do you believe that the truth will set you free?

i’d rather be told the truth than a lie, but I think a person’s response to the truth will determine whether they’re set free

Edgar: Do you want to make your family proud?

Always, the worst days in my life are the days where i feel like i’ve disappointed my parents

Edmund: Do you ever wish you’d been born someone else? If so, who?

No

Gertrude: Would you (or have you) ever cheated on a significant other?

Definitely not.

Hamlet: Do you prefer to think things through thoroughly or act on impulse?

oh god i think things through so goddamn much i’m practically hamlet himself, can’t get any shit done

Hecate: Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

Definitely an introvert (dorming is gonna be HELL)

Helenus: Do you believe in God?

I’d like to but i just don’t

Hippolyta: What is your biggest regret?

not doing any art classes in high school until i absolutely had to. i wouldve met so many more people and symphony this year has just been the perfect break in the middle of the day that i never knew i needed.

Horatio: Who do you love most?

My family, especially my dad. i don’t know if id be even half as successful or happy in my life if it wasn’t for him. our 3 am walks in a random campground, going into his engineering workplace since i was 5, the number of times he made me cry by doing something silly like trying to teach me how negative numbers worked when i was 6. also my friends, i tend to only have 1 really close friend at a time that i love the most and she (hopefully) knows who she is

Juliet: What is your favorite luxury?

chocolate, french fries and ketchup, parents who are too good to me, fountain pens that i keep accidentally ruining cuz i keep messing with them

Lady Macbeth: What is your favorite thing about yourself?

physically, probably my eyes or my hair, though both have had their bad days. (also the mole on my hip but that’s not there anymore no i’m not salty) mentally idk i hate and love practically everything else about me in equal measure

Macbeth: Have you ever killed anyone? Would you?

No and i really don’t think so

Malcolm: What does honor mean to you?

being able to take failure in stride and learn from it, trying, being active and engaged in what you choose to do with your time, taking in others into consideration with your actions

Medea: Do you have any quirks?

I bounce like hell when I walk but i also look so angry that i’m bout to kill someone...so pls don’t look at me while i walk its embarrassing, i usually don’t use a pillow when i sleep

Mercutio: Is there anyone you would die for?

I’d like to be able to answer my friends and family but truthfully i don’t know if i could ever be that brave

Miranda: Is happiness a choice?

I think most of the time it is, but not always

Oberon: Does reputation matter to you?

i think it used to?? but now idk i feel like ppl can think whatever the hell they want of me & the ppl that matter will know the truth and won’t care about my reputation. tho i suppose it does kinda matter to me because having a bad reputation shuts down a lot of opportunities in life

Ophelia: Is there anything you regret not doing?

i feel like i already answered this...

Orsino: If you could have any material thing in the world, what would it be?

literally every fountain pen ever (this answer will probably change in a few months/years)

Paris: If you had the chance to rule the world, would you?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH nope nope no fucking way no thank you no siree no ma’am

Portia: When did you lose your innocence?

idk man my parents let me watch Police Academy when i was like 4 years old and i had a fucked up imagination for as long as i can remember i don’t think i ever had my full innocence

Puck: Do you consider yourself a mischievous person?

;) no (that means yes!)

Romeo: How far would you go for love?

too damn far, i don’t actually like how far i’ll go for love

Rosalind: What does your ideal day entail?

waking up early (but not so early that i’m super tired) and staying in bed doing nothing (preferably cuddling with someone) until later when my dog will start crying at me to get up, then spending some time at a park with friends doing stupid things and making stupid jokes and eating cake and chocolate, then going home and watching a movie with my family and my dad makes us all cheeseburgers, ending the day by taking a bath with a bath bomb that doesn’t have fucking glitter in it then accidentally falling asleep while rereading one of my favorite books

Rosaline: Which people from your past haunt you?

i try not to let my past effect me so much but probably Catherine still does. I thought we were the perfect friends that would be together forever but it turned out she had hated me for so many years, had been blaming me in part for her self harm. its so hard to trust when a someone says that they enjoy being my friend because i believed her and i was so so wrong and what if i’m making the same mistakes again and ppl think i’m trying to show myself up thinking i’m a terrible person that they actually hate

Sebastian: Is violence ever the answer?

No.

Titania: Do you believe in magic?

If you ask me during the day, no

Ask me at night, when i’m driving alone or outside under the stars... :)

Tybalt: If you could kill one person without consequences, who would it be?

No one

Viola: How skilled of a liar are you?

Sometimes I think i’m an okay liar but probably i’m terrible and my mom was just pretending to know I wasn’t hanging out with 79 to humor me

Volumnia: Describe the biggest sacrifice you’ve made.

i sacrificed an hour of sleep a few days in a row earlier this week to practice playing the auxiliary percussion in pilatus during concert band

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this mentally ill person causes an extreme amount of chaos in my life which is completely not needed because although i lack certain things - i could probably get by without them. like im going to be sad and whatever but im not going to die and ill find a way to live. 

but their illness absolutely causes many of my issues to be triggered which does not in anyway allow me clarity in the moment because i am still working on my issues. and heres what i can give to myself: i never ran away. ive been knocked down and shit on and dragged through the mud and as much as ive even wanted to - ive never run away and i never gave up. this is my strength. this is the resilience. 

i have alot of complex feelings about this and i want to not entangle all of them into this giant lump of grief and sadness but to address each part of it and work through each part on its own to complete the big picture. and i feel im doing this in my own life like ive gone from complete mental break downs to just being really sad. my immediate thought is not ‘i want to fucking die’. like maybe i feel this way and its one of the thoughts but its not the first one. its not the overwhelming one anymore. and i cant even express how this has made things better for me. i am able to cope so much moe when im not in an anxiety attack like death could truly be imminent just by my own hands. 

like heres an overwhelming fact: no one will ever give a fuck. no one will ever really want to help. 

one day im sure ill be romantically surprised by the prince charming that changes everything for me but until that day comes - ive spent a decade involved in other peoples lives because i have no life of my own. i have no family, no traditions, no holidays. no one can join me for a thing - i join them. 

and heres another overwhelming fact: this is not remotely fair. i was dealt a really shitty hand and its not fair but nothing changes this. nothing changes that its not fair. i will not get my parents back. i will not have a family i grew up with. its not fair. this is just a fact, not whining - it’s not fair that this happened. and of course “life is not fair” but its truly not fair to have your parents die at an early age. its not fair to have a child die young. theres many not fairs. its just .. not fair. 

what do i do with this information? this is like .. a real turning point to make. 

i guess to start, how do i feel? and i feel... sad. and frustrated. and lke.. i wish the world was a better place. im angry that like.. people really take for granted what they were just handed and i dont know how to stop being super bitter about it. im not even pissed i didnt live a glamorous life but the older i get the more i realize that my parents were completely and totally unfit parents to their core. and like this is so hard to admit because i loved my father soo much and this person did so much for me and my ungrateful mother but he did so little as well. 

and i repeat this cycle. i was given such little attention as a child that i am absolutely grateful for something i should have gotten purely out of love. like why do i walk around with “i never asked for this” tattooed on me? since i was a small child i just felt like - wow i never asked to be here you know. like im not TRYING to be here. i was just popped out of the womb and now im like this giant burden to your life and like my mother didnt care at all and she held sooo much resentment towards me. and this is what i knew. this is all i have ever known in my whole life. mentally ill people who are completely incapable of caring for anoter human being making me an intregal part of their lives. 

and what really has confounded me for years is whether or not i am mentally ill. like is everyone around me crazy or am i the crazy one? and its like -- no one knows the isolation ive had except me. and they take this as like being lazy or unsociable but ive been terrified to go out and interact with people because am i the crazy one or are they? 

but as i get older i realize i honestly may not be the mentally ill person. how could one ever tell this when ive been under duress since i was 3? its not that i am mentally ill its that im reacting to my surroundings like any normal human being. i am not psychotic or paranoid, i dont have delusions or an ego. im actually, i believe, a pretty fine and sane person who appears mentally ill under these scenarios. i thought i had a mood disorder - no, i just live an extremely stressful life. and have for like two decades. of COuRSE i feel different things quickly and without regard. of COURSE. thats a REACTION to the scenario, usually of which is completely abnormal. 

and there is not a single person in my life to pat my back and be like hey, its okay to feel this way you know. its okay that youre angry. its okay that youre sad. ive begun developing the voice in my head that will be this person. i realized its the only way i will be able to survive. when ram dass said you are not your depression, i realized i am not any of my emotions. i am just feeling these things. and there is a reason why i am feeling them. im not just waking up rying to feel this way. thre is a root problem.

but when you are surrounded by mentally ill people, they suck you into their illness and you react to this. so not only do i have my own issues im dealing with seperately on my own but now i have these issues coming up begging to trigger certain emotions and thoughts in me which really are not issues im capable of dealing with because IM not  a therapist or a trained professional and i can barely navigate my own life right now. but i work especially hard not to have this fall on other people. i understand that i was handed this deck. no one else was handed it. this is for me to do what im going to do with it. so i blame no one for me not having parents. it is no ones responsibility to fill their roles. or even be a family member to me. 

for example; hearing constantly about how this political system doesnt work or poor people are disadvantaged or the city is corrupt etc. -- all facts im well aware of which linger in my mind on a daily basis which i have to fight with everything i have to get out of bed and keep doing something. but now i have it being reiterated to me as well on a regular basis and my desire to do anything has dwindled to nothing. 

i have become trapped in this non relationship because it was easy for him to get what he wanted by giving me just a bit of what i wanted. he has been very very very selfish from the beginning because he knows he will not be monogamous or fulfill my emotional needs but continues to maintain this non relationship. he believes i am responsible because he “told me this” and i continued to be involved with a mentally ill person who spent all of his time with me, usually by his own choice because again, it was “easy for him”. he reiterated ENOUGH times that he believes i need to be cared for and that he has done everything he is currently possibly able to do within his own means to care for me. 

but its kind of like .. this stray dog. like you know this dog needs care despite its survival on its own and you feed it every once in awhile maybe give it a bath, hang out with it for awhile but you never give the dog what it needs. 

and also, you’re treating me like a dog. as if i have no emotional brain to feel what it’s like for someone to treat me like this. as if i dont know that you have a home. and you have all the things you need. and youre just feeding me scraps because you feel bad. 

ive lost respect for him because hes running. its not even a jealousy issue becuse i know if i went away for three months and returned, all of my problems would still be there. my parents dont come back in thre months. he never tried to improve his situation and instead ran away from it and ive just lost alot of respect for him for doing that. 

and if i cant respect him i dont know if i can even be his friend. 

and he has not shown appropriate respect for my own issues either so what i am feeling right now is just an overall lack of respect for this person. like i still love them but i feel like i cant hold my own head high or like sleep at night knowing i dont respect this person but im still supporting them. its like nikki sixx. i dont respect him anymore and i probably will never support his projects again. but i had such a deep love and adoration and like i still have that first love kind of feeling like this person really influenced my life and i owe their character alot for my character but omg do i not respect him at all. could i never look at nikki sixx again?

no. 

and thats the confliction. like it does not matter what he does at all. it matters what i do and what i decide upon this and how important he is to my life. i lost all respect for my ex when he cheated and lied. u know its the lieing. its not even the cheating. im not even mad about the cheating, its the lies for months on end. like what a mar on your character. thats who you are now. youre a person who lied. do i still look at him?

yes. do i still talk to him? no. did i talk to him? yes. because being so young i didnt know how i would feel in this scenario like this was anther nikki sixx. five years out of the gate - i would not watch video games to this day if i didnt have this relationship and this is like the most comforting thing in all of my life. like even beyond weed, the most comforting thing is just some guy playing video games. and thats only from my ex. i wouldve never developed this comfort in watching games had i not ha this experience. now thats apart of who i am. and i think about him atleast 10 - 20 times a month. easily. i think about the time we spent together, i think about how much i loved him, how much i loved his guitar playing -  i felt really lucky at the time and that this would be the man i would marry and spend the rest of my life with. i wanted to do this. 

and i talked to him because i wanted this sooooo bad i hoped that he could say or do something that would regain my respect and nothing he did or said made it any better. i never regained respect for him. and its because the action was already done. i dont think i could forgive an abuser, you know? like i dont think i could get punched in the fucking face and be like oh it was just one time they changed. they did not change at all they just learned to not do that again because the consequences are dire. the action is already done. you were a working brain of a person before you cocked your fist and then you completed the action and NOW you’re sorry? NOW you learned? 

i think he is not a person right now you can currently admire or respect. and like nikki sixx, he gave me alot. like alot of negative experiences whch couldve been much worse that allowed me the opportunity to learn about myself. life is not fair and life couldve been some fucking piece of shit jamming a dick down my throat. and like for the position im in thats actually alot more likely to happen to someone like me so its lucky that i encountered some mentally ill jerk off living with his mother. 

to be fair, i guess hes right - he hasnt BEEN someone to respect or admire. he has sat on his high horse while crying and then running away. and i cannot at any point n the future see myself saying “wow good job you abandoned all your responsibilities to work on yourself.” because again - you abandoned them; they werent taken from you. you took for granted what youve been given and then took advantage of your priviledge to “take a break from it” and that’s just not respectable in the least bit. no matter if you come out of this as jesus fucking christ - if jesus murdered a dude before he was crucified - fuck jesus. 

i feel as the mostly not mentally ill person n ths situation as i look down upon it i see this person running away and realizing how much they took for granted and how poorly they treated me and the love that i actually provided to them. this of course will take weeks, if not months to realize as lonliness sets in and no one is really interested in being friends with someone mentally ill or he encounters similar situations. 

what i feel like right now is that i have a choice. i could gamble upon my gut feeling whch could very well lead to repeating a cycle again; hes “not monogamous”. so even if he were to realize anything at all, it remains tht hes “not monogamous” and i would have to gamble two years worth of hearing that against it suddenly changing (it wont.) 

or i could walk away and commit myself to the knowledge this person is mentally ill, unlikely to get better an caused a large amount of pain in my life so i should not maintain any communication with them because mentally i will always be thinking like.. i dont care. go fuck yourself. and in turn never provide them with anything they are looking for from me. 

because i would also not detriment any future relationships with maintaing contact with him. not because i would be some cheater but because he has proven to make inappropriate and disrespectful comments to other peoples spouses when he has a failed relationship with the person. and i want to respect my future partner enough that they wont have to endure that kind of treatment from someone who thinks they know me on an intimate level. 

i made a comment some weeks ago like i’m not going to walk away, i know you’re ill and unlike other people i’m not going to blame you for it. and he said that that had made him feel good and like he could lessen the anxiety of going away to work on his illness and then tonight he commented that i would probably “fuck off” within a few days of him leaving. 

and then i think about asia o’hara. and how this is my only reference to anyone without parents in any circumstance that is moderately close to my age. and like all these things she does and says - i get it. i know where its coming from. and one of the last few thngs she said on the runway was that she was put on this earth to serve. and you will feel that way when you lose parents or they become ill before they die. you are here to serve an make other peoples lives better. and  feel that. ive felt that. i felt that standing in my fathers living room realizing no one would ever know what this was. if i did not exist my fathers life wouldve been worse. so my existences purpose was to make his better. not to like go out and succeed and be amillionaire and put him in a house. but to serve, to make it my life to make another persons life better and i could expect absolutely nothing at all for it. like my life mightve gotten worse for it. but to this day i am not regretful at all. i couldve went to school and had luxurious jobs and did all the things. i couldve. but instead i stayed home and cared for this stubborn sick man who got up every day for 35 years at 4am to drive a transport truck on winter canadian highways for 14 hours a day. my existence was to see that. i was supposed to see that. i was put on this earth to see my fathers life and to honor that he existed and he worked and he lived and he breathed and people should know this. 

she said, “ive learned that friendships have become extremely important and i treat them like family to me” and thats not wrong. thats another person just like me who is saying because i have no family, the people in my life are going to take a bigger step because i do not have the responsibilites or obligations to distract me from helping the greater good. 

and m so sad. i could scream from teh top of my building how sad i am and cauterwall like a cat in heat. and im hurt. and im so many things.

but this sick man, who is leaving for months, took the time to ave this conversation because i began the threat that what we currently had was going to be over on his return. and we cannot define what this is. but if you believe you will return and i will be adoring and in love and fascinated and interested by all your tales - probably not. and he is saying, “i may never see you again”, “i cant make any commitments to you.” “i cant tell you whats going to happen” and the ease of the relationship has ended, and he is saying “we are broken up, this is not a relationship anymore” but the conversation continues. no.

no.

its not a conversation as i sit silently tears streaming down my face as he rants on and on about things, contradicting himself at every turn. and hes “angry” but hes not angry, and hes upset that he’s worried about me like he’s never been in love before. he’s upset he doesnt want to leave because hes worried about me like hes never been in love before. and it all sounds so .. psychotic. and he hangs up, and i call back and he answers and he doesnt want to do this and he cant do this and hes done everything he possibly can for me. 

i could choose to put myself aside and serve the “greater good” of this person “becoming better”. and by doing this i take full acknowledgement that i could receive absolutely nothing in return. i could be shit on again. i coul watch this person fall in love with someone else (they will) and i have to have the strength to be happy for them because theyve reached “better”. i guess im like.. disappointed in myself that im not better than i thought i was because of my history. like i should be able to accept this opportunity to fulfill my fucking existence but im really ... begrudging my exstence because im still resentful for not getting anthing for my father.

like not like money or anythng but like you get literally nothing. no praise. people literally question whether you should even be applauded for it like it was your job anyways. and thats such a dark side to humanity that you have to remain positive and loyal and “happy” while witnessing all of this and carrying like the burdens this had all created for you. 

and i guess i kind of lost respect but i dont think ram dass would say thats okay because i lost respect for the fact he became worn out by being a caregiver. but only a few people in the world are legitimately care givers. you have to truly have something in your soul in order to endure the care of others. and not everyone has this. this is why we have to like super respect nurses and people like that because they are care givers. we respect mothers because they are primary (usually) care givers. they are always obligated. mom has to be there, period. many women upon giving birth learn the trait of being a care giver. and like many women will live until they give birth being selfish ungiving pieces of shit and then spend the rest of their lives caring for someone else. 

my care giving is an extremely respectable part of my character. if not the most respectable part. but i have lost alot of this trait over the past three years - i never asked my dad for anything in return. like yeah he already ~ gave me things but i never was like hey ill do ths an this for you if you give me 10$. like hes not paying me to do his groceries. hes not paying me to change his bandages. im not asking him to do that either. nor am i trading any service with him - i dont change hs bandage for him to make me lunch. i am just serving him as a care giver and you will not get anything in return and a good and true care giver expects nothing. i am no longer this person. i went kind of backwards  in life and i worry now that maybe ive become sooo jaded that maybe i will never truly be a care giver again.

and of course. of course i dont need to at all give this care to a capable grown ass priviledged man. i absolutely do not. is this even the most deserving person? 

i dont necessarily have to jump to a decision right now because the next three months will dictate it for me but i would love to break the cycle by making a commitment to myself on a decision/action i will take and living with the responsibility of that action because if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

and my gut says no. my depression says yes. my depression is very desperate and i think holds on to things that arent there. my gut says no, dont support ths person. our call ended with, “ill call you in a few days”. to which i feel like - why bother? i cant actually speak about how i feel about anything and ill just have to sit and listen to his stories about whatever the fuck he did. and i dont care. and i cant pretend to care and i cant pretend to be happy for his decision i barely respect. 

i dont wan tto spend my summer looking forward to his calls, you know? i just want to let it go and have my mourning period and move on. 

and maybe its shitty of me but i hope he feels guilty and i hope its hard for him. i do. because thats the result of a decision that cant be respected. and thats how you should feel when you go through with it. because honestly? none of this is real and its a projection of the fear of losing me. if it doesnt matter we wouldnt have had the conversation. 

and yes, the moment he sleeps with someone else this will all be over for me. and thats the result of being involved with someone who is monogamous. thats a choice he made and will probably make and when youre a hundred miles away, i never have to care about you or choose to see you again. like even with my oshawa ex i fet like i hope he feels like shit. not because i want to be with him but beause he deserves to feel that way. it doesnt even benefit me. you just deserve it. 

i do not regret not spending another night with a mentally ill person. i wish i couldve spent the last night with a person i loved but it wasnt able to happen. 

he told me i should “take this as a wake up call” to have “more than him” in my life nd i dont believe at all thats what it is. its a wake up call to learn how to take care of myself - n all ways. like no one else can or will or should fulfill anything in my life, i should fulfill everything that i need. so that i make a choice as to who to be around. i will have to live more frugally and learn how to moderate my pleasures. 

i am disappointed that again i feel like if i do talk to him that i will begin to lie because i want to be left alone. i do not want to be told what to do or that what im doing isnt enough. i jsut want to tell him what he wants to hear. like i want to tell him that ive gotten a job but the job is on a farm. i want to say that like im already doing what he said he wanted to do. and like i want to be fulfilled with myself so that when i lie and say that this farm is owned by some family who treated me kindly and i felt ths and this its just a personification of my self improvement. llike im half way into it anyways - i lie about a therapist to justify things i already fucking know but no one listens to me so i hve to make up ths story to make it sound like it didnt come from me and now its respectable. 

so fine. ill ‘see a therapist’ and ‘go to work’. but again, i’m not really going to talk in detail about these things. and if he asks  i would just tell him that its just something im doing and im not interested in talking about it. that it doesnt define me or anything in my life at all. it gives me an ongoing excuse to turn down phone calls or texts when im not prepared to answer them at that time as well. remaining silent is just not good enough. 

ive been a very honest person in my life and i think its time for me to be selfish in order to et myself to the next step and it sounds really stupid to be dishonest to better myself and attempt to regain my care giving traits nd maybe itll all blow up in my face and ill learn a new lesson but for now this is how im going to sleep. i will tell him its my therapists advice not to talk to him about these things until weve established a mutually respectful way of communicating and if we dont it doesnt matter what i did or did not tell him because it literally doesnt matter. if he is capable of maintaining his own interest in my life then maybe ill open up more - he can either work towards that to be a mature, respectful human begin or disregard it and any sort of relationship between us. of course, the position is just a summer job, giving me an out if ths somehow lasts the summer. 

tomorrow i have to go through excruciating pain - again for my fucking cyst and i have contract testing at some point and i really want to do these things on my own and grab my last weed for like a week and just exist. not for a week. id like to wake up and do shit on friday too. and i know so hard that depression will be the firs tthing i feel when i wake up. and as the days go on its going be even harder and sadder but i just have to figure it out an get myself through it. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.