#but also i havent been affected the last time until like a month later

[fortunatelyenchantingtaco]

It feels so insane how my dad’s biggest complain about me was always the fact that im lazy and way too soft and not ready for harsh reality but when grandma dies he writes to me first cause we all know my mum is going to cry and i wont

[mercur1e]

Helllooooo

Soo I just saw you're headcannons are literally 💞💞

It's lowkey the only thing keeping me safe and alive ✋😌......soooooo can I request Gom + kuroko and kagami (if it's to much you can just doo Aomine, Kise and Midorima and akashi)where they accidentally hurt their s/o feelings pleaaseeeeee..... I need some angst but please end it in fluff (cuz i lowkey cannot handle it)

Please take care of yourself, your health always comes first, I love youuuu ❤❤❤

Ofc love! I hope you're doing well and I love you too :) <333

Akashi

He disregarded your hard work :(

You're trying to start your own small business and you're having a little trouble, which is not unusual that happens sometimes!

You were having trouble hiring employees and you were talking to him about it, and he was in a bad mood prior to you approaching him

"You're not going anywhere with this. It would just be better to give up on it. You're not going to make it that far even if you do succeed. And can you leave? I'm busy and all you're doing is acting as a distraction."

You just froze, you couldn't believe what he had just said

Not only did he know how much work you were putting in, he also knew how excited you were for the future of your shop too

You didn't even say anything, you just froze with shock, hurt, and surprise and stomped out of his office

You left the house, you needed some time to cool off and cry

It took Akashi a second to realize what he had said and how hurtful his words were, so he started looking all over for you in the house. He goes into the garage to see your car is gone and he assumes the worst.

You don't pick up the phone when he calls you or answer his texts, opting to turn it off after the fifth call.

You stay by your best friend for the night and they comforted you and told you he probably didn't mean it, and that you can stay as long as you need

After you leave from by your friends place you go to your favorite cafe for some breakfast

And guess who's there, Akashi.

You turn around and walk out because you were honestly not ready to deal with him just yet and it was too early in the morning for all that

He catches you on the way out and apologizes :)

"Love, I apologize for what I said yesterday. It was inconsiderate, hurtful, and wrong. You've been working so hard on your business and you're doing your best to make it happen. I was in a bad mood yesterday and I dont know what came over me. Will you forgive me?"

Looking you in the eye as he spoke every word, holding your hands and rubbing them, you know he was truly sorry and wants to fix what he did.

"I forgive you Sei, but what you said was really hurtful. You know how much this means to me and how much work I've been putting in. But I do forgive you."

He takes you out to eat at your favorite restaurant and watch a movie afterwards back at home, kisses you tons and holds you in his arms when you fall asleep.

He also puts in a good word with his work associates about your business and you gain more employees and popularity! But unless you want to do it completely on your own he's there supporting you every step of the way and giving you advice :)

Midorima

He acts like your affection is kryptonite, even though you're not a clingy or overly-affectionate person

You guys had been together for about 3-4 months

He always brushes you off even at the most simplest acts of affections, you're starting to really question if he even wants to be together.

Well this particular time he embarrassed you in front of the team :/

There was a break in between practice and you went to give him his water bottle and give him a hug

"Hey Shin he's your water bottle, don't work yourself too hard okay?"

After that you went in for a quick hug but he held a hand against your chest and glared at you

"Why are you always so clingy? You're always on me and its annoying. Can you just leave me alone or leave?"

He said that right in the middle of the court, everyone's eyes were on you and you felt embarrassed.

"...alright."

That's all you after said you shoved the water bottle into his hand and walked out of the gym.

Takao was the one to call him out on his behavior and tell him that he was being rude and that he should apologize

Midorima took that advice and after practice, he went to find you and apologize, except you weren't anywhere he checked or thought you would be

You avoided him for 3 days straight until he arrived at your house unannounced

Your lucky item in his hand, he gives you a well deserved apology

"Y/N I- I'm sorry that I was being rude to you. There was no reason for me to act like that and I haven't been appreciating you like I should. That was rude of me and I hope you except my apology. Also- this is your uh lucky item."

He hands you a plushie :)

He gives you hugs and reassures you that he appreciates your affections despite him not being used to it!

He also got an extra lap at practice from Miyaji lol but he decided not to tell you that part

Kise

Is very busy and it's sometimes hard to make time for you :(

And you also couldn't show him affection in public or be around him because his fangirls would throw a hissy fit

He hasn't been answering his phone and he can't really get that close to you at school so you've been feeling left behind

When you finally managed to catch him, you said you wanted to go out and just catch up because you two haven't spent much time together and he agreed

However Kise forgot about the plans and you were waiting at the restaurant, alone.

You went home that night upset, tired, and wondering if you even want to be in a relationship anymore

You stopped texting him and talking to talk to him at school, not that you even had that much time to talk to him and school anyway

Kise had realised a whole day later that he had forgotten about the plans you two had made together

He took off from work the whole week, even though his manager was mad about it and went off to find you

He found you at a park after school and approached you with flowers in his hand

"Y/N baby I'm so sorry I forgot about our date. I can't imagine how you must've felt and to make up for it I called the whole week off! I'm really, really sorry that I havent had time for you. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah, I forgive you Kise I'm just really hurt that you stood me up. You knew we hadn't spent alot of time together and I was really hoping to catch up with you that night. But I'm just happy you're here."

He takes you to a concert! Your favorite artist was in town and he bought tickets for the two of you!

The whole week was filled with fun, love, and lots of conversations :)

He promises to make more time for you and be there for you whenever he can!

He also posts you on his socials and shows you affection at school, showing his fangirls that he's not for them, but for you and they can go away of they don't like that

Aomine

You feel like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship

It's always you doing everything, it just gets tiring

He doesn't really make an effort to do anything, like plan dates, hang out, or just spend time together

He also uses basketball as an excuse to not hang out with you when you already know he's not at practice

Like if you want alone time man just say that

So you had planned a date for you two, nothing big just going to the movie theaters yk

He cancelled last minute, saying Imayoshi was forcing him to come to practice

It was a sunday, they don't have practice in sunday

You talked to Momoi as she is a close friend of yours too, about how you feel like you're the only one making an effort and that you feel like he doesn't want to spend time with you

She tells you to confront him about it, so you do

The next time Daiki comes to your house you ask him about it

"It just feels like I'm the only one putting work into the relationship and I feel like you're avoiding me. You make up excuses to not be with me and bail on me last minute...do you even want to be with me? And if you do want alone time just be upfront about it, don't give me terrible excuses or flake out on me."

Aomine honestly didn't know you felt that way

Now that he looks back at it, it has been mainly you doing most of the stuff in the relationship, and he can see why you feel like it's only you trying

"You're right, it has been mainly you doing stuff for both of us. I'm gonna start putting in more effort because it's time I do. I'm sorry that I've been making shitty excuses to not hang out with you, and cancelling all of a sudden. I'll be honest when I don't feel like going out and I'll spend more time with you."

He makes it up to you by taking you to a festival and going to see a movie with you

True to his word, he starts putting more effort into y'alls relationship and you two take turns planning dates

And if he doesn't feel like going out you guys have at home dates instead :)

I know this took a little longer than usual, I'm sorry for the little setback. Hopefully you like them! Thank you for requesting and feedback is appreciated! Love you <333

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

[usedtobeyours]

try hard dick energy: a fairytale

try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him

he used to be soft dick energy first. 

we met through friends, as i usually like it to go. 

on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week. 

a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday. 

my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy. 

conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude

then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all. 

i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did. 

then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that. 

she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.

oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.

on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.  

he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am. 

from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for. 

we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.

then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy. 

he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me. 

you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.

let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”

so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did. 

my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time. 

and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out. 

you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off. 

it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me. 

but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again. 

but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks. 

and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.

we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us. 

i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.

you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?

i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?

you said no. but you still felt something wrong.

and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.

and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.

we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”

i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.

i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.

you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it. 

and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.

you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.

and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.

you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.

mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope. 

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[whoop-de-fuking-do]

Okay tbh, I have no idea what my identity is. I'm debating on dropping all labels and just. Be consumed by the void.

Because like

I havent felt "like a girl" since like 7th grade. like when I came out in freshman year of highschool (9th grade, US) to my friends, they werent surprised? Like they knew before even I did?

I had to get my hair cut due to a lice issue, and it was just above shoulder length when I finally got rid of them. I looked in the mirror and went "Huh, I kinda like short hair." so a few weeks later, my mom took me to a professional hairstylist, and I got a pixie cut- my first actual hairstyle that was different than I ever had before, and I'm the one who picked it out. I was so happy. Then it started to grow out. It was at my shoulders again when I was at my aunts house hanging out, and literally on impulse, my aunt and my mom went "Hey, do you want a haircut?" And of COURSE because I liked my short hair so much I went "HECK YEAH" and so we all went upstairs and basically gave me a buzzcut on the sides and back, but shortned the top. (Don't worry, they checked in with me a lot during this, just to make sure I was happy with the outcome.)

So there was my mohawk.

It was bad, and I could never get it to stand up right, but I was happy. And looking in the mirror with my short as fuck hair, rubbing my hand over the centimeter-length hair, with a big smile on my face, I realized that I looked like a boy and I was much happier with the idea of being called one.

Now, at the time, I was REALLY into Hetalia, and the 2P! characters that the fandom made piqed my interest. I read fanfics. (one that was based off of the Angel beats anime has stuck with me, and made me c r y) I made art I found on google my lockscreen and homescreen. I memorized little facts and designs from the 2p! FACE family. (and typing this, i remember another fanfic with 2p!Canada, where he takes y/n to a hotel and yall are on the run, which in hindsight could have kicked off that one dream I had... anyway.)

I remembered their names. At least the ones I cared about. I never really did care about 2p!France. (although ive fallen for the rest, and his 1p! counterpart.)

Allen Jones. (America)

Mathieu Williams. (Canada)

Oliver Kirkland. (England)

Now, those who know these characters, know what their whole deal is. I don't know why, but I still fall for these types of fictional characters. But that's not important.

I came downstairs, all giddy and happy, and I wizzed around the corner with a smile. Getting ready to leave, they were making remarks like "You're a boy now!" and the like. Now, it was honestly all in fun and games, and they never meant any ill harm, they could see how happy I was. So, while we were gathering our things, I was making remarks like "Haha, I guess you guys can call me Allen now." That got me informed that that was the middle name of a close family member, so oops, can't use that. "Well... call me Mathieu?" Nope, that was a first name of another family member, who I later met a month or two down the road. Different spelling, same pronounciation. I nervously laughed it off, keeping the last name to myself.

Soon after, I realized that I was attracted to boys and girls, when I got asked out by my close friend, and I said yes. She could tell that I liked both from the way that I acted, but I had no idea there was even a term for it.

So, I now identify as a girl(?) and bisexual.

Upon research upon this "Bisexual" term, I learned about others.

Transgender.

Lesbian.

Demi.

Genderfluid.

Genderfluid.

Genderfluid.

That had a nice ring to it, and it fit pretty well what I was feeling at the time.

So.

I wasn't a girl, and that's why I was uncomfortable with she/her pronouns at some times and not others. I liked the idea of having he/him pronouns, and I loved they/them pronouns. Those made me the happiest, and they still do.

I had my girlfriend over for the weekend, and that was in a time of my life where I was out to my friends at school, and I have notified them of the name I liked, Oliver. They were all surpportive, but I never enforced the name change until about two years ago, or halfway through my 11th grade year.

Anyway, it was also a time where I couldn't stand my birth name or pronouns, and I actually physically flinched whenever I got called them. I wasn't out to my grandmother at the time, who I had been staying with for the weekend, so my girlfriend and I went up to my room later on the day and we talked. She brought it up, and I explained just the extent of how it affected me.

1/?

[inacatastrophicmind]

(1) So like... I had no idea people had such strong feelings towards Supernatual (specifically later seasons) until now. I've been watching this show on and off for years now and I just recently started getting into it and in the last month I decided to check out the fandom (unfortunately I missed the massive wave of the earlier fandom) Specifically the Destiel fandom cause I suddenly latched on to it when I picked up watching the show in season 8 (I still have no idea how that happened)

(2) But it's kinda taken over my life and that's how I'm here now (btw, fucking LOVE your blog) I am sad to see that the fandom isnt at its former glory, but that is to be expected with such a long running show. ANYWAYS IM RAMBLING! What I was saying is, I've enjoyed this show from the start and even until now, I havent noticed much of a "decline" and I've never really stopped enjoying this show so I dont see why people are so hateful towards it, but, each to their own I guess.

(3) I'm sad that I just started really appreciating the show just as its dying out and ending, I wish I had been there sooner but you go back in time unfortunately. So I'm just here playing 14 years of catch up haha. I thoroughly enjoy your blog and the content you provide so thank you for that, and sorry for the massive ass ask LMAO

First of all, thank you, I’m glad you like my blog and my stuff :’)

I got into SPN and its fandom just when season 7 had just finished. I remember that from season 8 to season 10 there was so much content, there were so many people creating stuff and reblogging stuff. I even met people in my own city that watched SPN, which was amazing.

But then, the writers killed Charlie and people couldn’t take it anymore. Some people kept watching SPN during season 11, but that season was so bad that most  people didn’t care anymore about the show and started leaving the fandom. And since then, the fandom has been slowly dying. People stopped watching the show because the writing got worse, some of their favorite characters got killed for stupid reasons and/or because Destiel hasn’t become canon yet. Those are the main reasons. People got tired and frustrated, so I get why they decided to move on.

The rest of us, even if we’re frustrated with all that stuff, we still watch the show, because we like the main characters and we still love to see them. But at this point, most of us are frustrated with the writers and the direction they’ve decided to take the story. We’re mainly watching because of the characters and the cast. Because we still love them so much.

It’s sad to see that so many people has left the fandom, because I miss so many amazing and talented people. Thankfully, there are still a bunch of amazing and talented people, but there are times when this fandom feels like is dead, and I miss its past days, when you could find so much things about SPN, when every day you have tons of new content. Nowadays, it’s so hard to find new content. It also has to do with the fact that Tumblr is making bad choices that affect creators and the fact that people hit like instead of reblog, which it isn’t encouraging at all.

Still, some of us are here, and most of us have a complicated relationship with the show thanks to the poor job of the writers. But we still love the characters and the cast. Some of us still create stuff because we love making what we do, like gifs, fanart, fanfics, graphics... And there are still people who even if they don’t create anything, they reblog our stuff and spread it, and that’s amazing.

The fandom might be still dying, but the few of us that still remain despite of everything, are as active as we can. And that’s something.

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Intermission 2 Replies

I don’t think I’m gonna be getting any more replies on the intermission, and there’s only so long i can leave this until i do, so here’s the reply-to-existing-replies batch now. but first:

@bountifulberries replied to your photoset “So because I have no restraint, I made a very smol tiny Sim called...”

I think a paid surrogate mother would be a very interesting contestant / sim in general!

It’d certainly put a new stamp on the 100bc, that’s for sure

@sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo

“FORMER BC ORGANISER FOUND DEAD IN HOME A once-prominent figure in the...”

��

he died before his prime

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo “A sweet or agreeable succession or arrangement of sounds.”

it completely flew over my head during the Melody Reveal that "melody" is also a music term and im mad @ myself

Un Der Standable

@jackssims replied to your photoset “Deacon: “…spinning?” ”

It looks like she’s t-posing to asset her dominance

Lissa said by PM:

This is a little silly to mention but -- I think it's kind of cool how you're incorporating old stuff again? Like, between the Wilkersons and a tie to Charlie and stuff. I know that old stuff can be hard for you sometimes, so I Just Think It's Neat ^^

i said at the time that it’s more out of necessity some of it than anything else to flesh out the neighbourhood, but you know what? i change my answer. it’s not that the old stuff isn’t hard for me, it’s that the new stuff is just as hard. i want my being good back

@tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But back then, when I didn’t have to hide… the Wilkersons and I - we...”

I am terrified of what comes next but I am actually so happy that she has a good support network

without that system in place who knows where she would be. somewhere you wouldn’t wanna read, i’ll bet

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “At first I liked Jase best, just because he was so quiet and strange...”

They must be very good friends. They survived using the blue shell on one another

Cid is a good dad and won’t ground Lauro for that. Now if he’d used that lightning on him, he might’ve thought about it - that fucking lightning bolt’s the fucking worst

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦it wasn’t always good. Not those times. But that wasn’t because of...”

Those blondes... �� (unless of course I’m reading too much into this, then I redact my eyes emoji, but I’ll wait and see)

That’s true; we never did get a real answer for that, did we?

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

B I t c h e s

Well, yes, that applies regardless

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lynn: “You’ve got it riiiight here! BLEH!!” Melody: “U-under my eyes?...”

Lynn is such a good person..............................;;;;;;

Lynn makes you cry from all six of your eyes. strexgnome

jackssims replied to your photoset “And t- then there was the one that worried everyone… the - I got a,...”

��

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

:eyes:

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

uh oh.....

I will only say this: it’s fortunate that the girlfriend didn’t make everything totally and utterly worse for her

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *wide-eyed* “Y-you - you dated your own bully?!”...”

I don't trust you Blonde Scarlet and Viola

O KA y whether they’re who you think they are or not that description is fucking hilarious

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Oh god, Melody. Are you okay?”  Melody: *shaking* “Please…”...”

Don’t touch her you fucker. Don’t touch her

‘Limp’ is very specific and deliberate consistently-abused-child language, at least to me. If you don’t put up a fight, it doesn’t hurt as much.

jackssims replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Melody? Melody, can you look at Mommy please?” Melody: “…”...”

Fuck Estelle

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

I want her to die

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

estelle can you be a good girl and get some sleep and not wake up

It isn’t wrong, but it is interesting that ‘can you be a good girl’ is what a lot of you replied to throughout this. is it because it’s the most convenient place, being at the end; because it feels weird commenting on the actual violence; or because the emotional manipulation is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “Noooope! No no no no, no. It doesn’t work that way,...”

PREACH IT LAV IM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU LAV

As you well know, this is something I have to work hard to convince myself, hence the soapbox. (Can it be a soapbox if you have trouble holding the soapbox’s beliefs?) It doesn’t help that I do charity work at a bookstore, and Torey Hayden / Cathy Glass / other trauma-porn books come in on the regular - it’s hard to be confident in the legitimacy of how Mum’s affected me when stories that feature kids who’ve been utterly decimated and forgotten over the years are in my line of sight that often.

Incidentally, I hope I haven’t crossed the line to trauma-porn here. This is intended to be an explanation for part of Lorelei’s backstory and why she has a lot of the mannerisms she does (plus a few hints for down the road, but that first thing first and foremost) - obviously making you sad is a goal too, but not to an exploitative extent, you know? 

@cafesimming replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I… I’m sorry. I won’t say it again, I’m sor–”...”

i havent been replying but i just got s chance to read sll this and i love lorelei and i love lavandar and i love this story and im quite literally on the verge of tears reading all this rn and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa love

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *shrinks back, curling up onto herself, breathing shakily* ...”

All of this is making me so sad but it’s so well done!! I literally didn’t wanna go to bed last night bc I wanted to keep waiting for updates to post

get some sleep Kasey. if you’re going back to school you need all the sleep you can get. i can be awake for you and get in trouble for it

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I really am sorry, you know. Lavandar. That I’m p- that I’m putting...”

It wasn’t a lack of bravery. You were so brave

there’s two kinds of bravery: to confront, and to endure. Lyra has the confrontational bravery covered. Lorelei is the endurance. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “He looked at my arm. He looked at me. H-he… looked at me, like Lyra...”

Zeus bless Jase. In all truthfulness

give him the happiest of marriages and the least of links to that box with the finger in it...

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦He didn’t say a word… to me.” Jase: “…” Pal: “Poor fucking Melody....”

is. is he gonna make himself talk to help her. is. is he gonna do that. because if he does i'm fucking gonna cry

He!! Did that!!

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But I’ll… even with everything… I’ll forever be grateful that he...”

god what a hero

the hero we need but we don’t deserve

jackssims replied to the same: 

Good. This is good (I hope)

It was a mixed blessing

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I didn’t put two and two together until Jase told me later… but Mom...”

You weren't bad. You weren't bad

Lorelei knows that. Melody does not.

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦what happened after that, Lorelei? Did she–?” “She was held for a...”

oh colby...

I’m not sure where else to put this yet, but designing Estelle was almost as much - not necessarily fun, but it took about as much thought as designing Amelia did back in the day. I think she’s quite handsome, but it’s ruined by her looking almost perpetually sour/disgruntled. I even employed another Enid Blyton trick: her eyes are closer together compared to my other Sims, and a pale blue, much like Prudence from another St Clare’s book. Until they (Prudence’s) turned brown in a later scene in one of the few legitimate continuity errors I’ve seen from Enid but that’s neither here nor there 

I’d also like to emphasise an actually salient point: if it wasn’t clear, Estelle isn’t mentally ill in any way that I know of. There may be neuroses there that never got diagnosed, but they're not the root of her behaviour even if there are. She’s reprehensible enough without chemical imbalances there to influence it. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “We tried to be safe. She tried to… let us be a normal family. A happy...”

I understand rationally that Colby is a victim of abuse but /damn/ does he make my blood boil rn

I in turn understand why you’d be angry at him - he allowed a very volatile influence back into Lorelei’s life - but honestly I mostly feel pity for him. He’s a bit like, um... what’s a good comparison...? Charlie Swan feels like the closest analogue, though the circumstances are different there. He can try to lay down some rules and speak the truth of it, but when the largest female influence in the house is this dominant, this domineering, and cares more about what he can do for her than what he chooses to do for himself, what chance does he have? 

It doesn’t help that being willing to please and put his own neck on the line to keep other people happy is kind of a core part of his personality - he’s the person from whom Lorelei inherited the Good trait (much like Amelia got Perfectionist from Maus), but his manifestation of Good leans more towards Doormat than Empathetic, if you see what I mean. It becomes especially clear if I reveal and then you consider he dropped out of college at twenty halfway through a tech degree specifically to marry Estelle so that she could have someone to keep her company at medical school. Self sabotage for the boosting of others.

(Estelle’s two years and a few months Colby’s senior, by the way)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I was a wreck at home, and a - even worse, at school. I kept my mouth...”

I wish there was a word for like, SHSL Mom. Because that's what Lynn is. She's like a Double Mom

maxi extreme ultra Mom

Vid incidentally got very upset at around the Jase Pal break-up post, for good reason: these people are just kids. this stuff is much too big for them, they didn’t deserve this.

@geezsims liked your photoset “¦to Bridgeport.” “God. All by yourself? No one-?”  â€œThe journey, y-...”

Han. Han. I admire the like, Han, but I feel like you’ve missed, like, nine tenths of the story here

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

See Colby /this/ is how you Dad

by dying your hair, or sending your kid to a safe place? i’m not sure the intended message here

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦Lorelei Kessler.”

My hero

I need a Lorelei; I’m holding out for a Lorelei til the end of the etc

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I trust you, Lavandar. I trust you. I trust you. N- no...”

Lavender: *a gentleman's guide to love and murder playing* I've decided to marry you! I've decided to marry you!

Blessed Image

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “Lyra?! Uh- um -” *clambers up* “You’re - you’re back?” ...”

Man I’m happy you’re going to be here, Ly, but what a buzzkill We almost had a confession!

Like I said in the end credits, we almost had a lot of things ;)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Now you’re the cockblock, Dub

bountifulberries replied to the same:

RUDE

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Ending it with a tease, eh?

Okay y’all I understand but like y’all, y’all. y’all. this part of SoS is ultimately Lorelei’s story. If I’d ended it with the full Lyra reveal, it would become Lyra’s story again too much, and a lot of the impact of what Lor’s been talking about would’ve been lost. I felt like I was pushing it as it is

jackssims replied to your post “Intermission 2: Melody End Credits”

This interlude-update was amazing. It made me feel stuff like never before, and I was always refreshing my dash for it. Great job!

holy hell thank!!!! I’ll try to maintain that quality, or at least a small fraction of it, into the rest of the project going forward! 

[emperor-lover]

hello! can I request for college! au jihoon ?

hello! of course you can~ here you go! im not used to writing for idols who are younger than me so hopefully it’s ok hahaa… (btw go read my Minki college!au if you havent yet, because im real proud of it woohoo) - I’ve edited it so no more typos woohoo

Park Jihoon College!AU

So there’s this guy in your lecture hall

And he sits in a spot a few rows down and to the right from you

so if you tilt your head slightly he’s in your perfect line of vision

he’s someone who’s always caught your eye because he’s literally so good looking???

and he looked super familiar but you can’t put a finger on why

in lectures he’s always taking down notes and listening intently to the lecturer

he sits with a couple of his friends and they all seem like a nice bunch of pals

y’know, the typical joking around, slapping each other on the backs, fist bumps, the stuff you see in stock photos and teen movies

and he has the nicest smile??? like wow this boy was blessed with some photogenic wonders that do not come by easily in this world

after a lecture one day you’re packing up your stuff and filing out of the room with everyone else, when you realise you left your jacket on the back of the seat you were sitting at

you trudge up the steps quietly to get where you had been sitting when you notice two girls, one of them giggling away whilst pushing the other up to the cute guy who’s still joking round with his mates

“Um…Jihoon?”

He pauses and turns to look at her

his facial expression is still smiling, waiting for her to continue speaking

“Would I be able to talk to you…in private?”

Jihoon’s friends are all like :o and trying to warn the girl with their expressions that this is not a good idea

and you’re a bit taken aback by how sharp his gaze has turned

it’s kinda scary, like he’s still smiling, but his eyes are cold

“anything you say to me, I’ll tell them anyway, so you might as well tell me in front of them”

the girl and her friend are taken aback, but she still manages to stutter out a confession

Your heart goes out to the poor girl, it’s takes a lot of courage to confess to your crush

you’re kinda amazed by the events unfolding in front of you so you squat down behind the seats to see what will happen next

You swear Jihoon just rolled his eyes???? wow rude 

He folds his arms across his chest “i don’t think you’d like me very much if you knew what I’m really like”

The girls just shakes her head, not wanting to take no for an answer but he cuts her off mid rebuttal

“anyways, im not interested in dating you. You can go now.” 

The girl’s friend quickly grabs the girl’s hand and pulls her out of the room before the waterworks starts and you hear Jihoon sigh in relief

Woweeee what a jerk

you’re surprised, because he seems like such a warm individual with his friends and from what you’d seen of him

his friend Woojin nudged his shoulder, “Jihoon, that must’ve been the 6th confession you’ve got since the semester started…”

Woojin had actually gone to the same high school as you, and although you weren’t close, you knew him as a warm and funny individual

So after what you just saw happen, you were surprised to see that him and Jihoon were so close

“I don’t get why they keep confessing to me, I’m not interested in dating right now, I thought I made that clear.”

he runs his hand through his hair, and your heart speeds up a bit

like ok he’s a jerk but he’s a good looking one

You realise you’ve been sitting there for a while now and you remember that you were meant to be on your way to your next lecture

You try to sneak out the back entrance without disturbing the guys’ conversation

but lol you trip

of course

out of all times to trip

you trip now

good job, you get an A+ for stealthiness 

And Jihoon and Woojin’s heads snap up to where you’re sprawled out on the stairs

and you make eye contact with Jihoon who’s staring at you with this look that can only be described as annoyed curiosity

Suddenly you realise where you recognise him from and before you can stop yourself, you hear your own voice echoing through the lecture theatre

“hey, you’re Wink Boy….”

There was this guy in all the commercials promoting your college, and the ending clip of him winking had highkey gone viral - hence “wink boy”

Like people were fangirling over him and coming to the college 

it was one powerful af wink

Jihoon sighs and looks like he’s about to say something but you haven’t finished talking

“….thought you’d be nicer, but guess not…”

Woojin starts snickering hysterically in the background, he’s surprised you’re talking back to Jihoon because you were always super nice when you went to school with him

Diverting your attention to Woojin you gave him a cheery wave, “hey Park Woojin, good to see you”

“Y/N, good to see you too! how long were you listening there for?” 

As you make small talk with Woojin, you notice Jihoon getting crankier by the minute.

First you insult him, then you ignore him completely as if nothing happened? 

“See ya later boys, don’t break anymore girls’ hearts”

And you left the pair with a blinding smile, flicking you hair behind your shoulder as you headed off to your next lecture (playing it cool, make them forget you just tripped over)

“Who was that?”

“Oh, that’s Y/N, I went to high school with them.”

Jihoon nods, deep in thought “…she’s pretty.”

Over time, you didn’t really have that many interactions with Jihoon

you’d still admire his good looks from afar in your lectures,

and your crush on him was still the same

but it didn’t really affect you that much that he didn’t spare a glance your way so you just kept living your life peacefully

or so you thought

Jihoon pestered Woojin about you, and how you two knew each other

poor poor woojin

Jihoon also hadn’t been going to all the lectures recently, and you were kinda like oh well, guess i don’t have any excuse to be distracted in lectures anymore

then one day it was time. 

time for good ol’ group projects woopdedooo…the true cupid but also kills friendships lmao

so far you’ve had good group project experiences so you’re excited to see the new faces you’ll be working with for the next few weeks

“Squish over will you?”

that is, until you look up and see that Jihoon has come over and is standing next to the table you’re at

“eh? Wink boy, what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? I’m in this group too.”

Everyone in the group was stoked that Jihoon was in their group because he always had some of the highest grades in the class and whenever he was in a group, they always got super good marks.

Like the lecturers and markers always love Jihoon and will give him good marks for his presentations 

and you knew he was capable, because you had been talking to a freshman called Lai Kuanlin who was getting tutored by Jihoon

But for some reason, you were struggling to believe it all now because for the past 3 meet ups, Jihoon’s sole focus had been on his phone

Usually you’d have the meetings at Jihoon’s dorm, because it was on the uni campus and that meant he wouldn’t have much of an excuse not to be there

But just the fact he never contributed any thoughts or ideas was starting to get on your nerves

The epitome of the “I’ll let you guys do all the work” member of the group

Everyone was too wary or polite to say anything but you could tell it was starting to get tense

One day after a meeting you tapped his arm as he slung his backpack over his shoulder

“Jihoon, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“What is it?”

“Is there something going on? You barely say 3 sentences in each meeting we have for this project…”

He opens his mouth to say something, and you wait for a response but he stays quiet

You can tell he’s hiding something but it’s not like he’s going to tell you his secrets anytime soon, so you just shrug and sigh

“Look, I know we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but can you at least put some effort into the project for the others? I don’t think it’s fair that everyone else is trying so hard and you’ve done nothing”

You head towards the door, but Jihoon grabs your arm

“Y/N-”

“make sure you send all the stuff you’ve done to me by tomorrow otherwise we’re all going to fail, and i’m not letting that happen”

Jihoon just nods at you and you look into his eyes, trying to decipher what’s going on in his head

“You know you can talk to me right? I’m not going to judge you.”

“I…I’m…never mind”

You didn’t want to push further so you just nodded and headed off home leaving Jihoon in a daze. There weren’t many people he had met at college who genuinely cared about people like you did.

However, even though you were holding back as much as possible, you had been delegated the role of putting everyones work together and submitting it

So when it was the day before the deadline, and Jihoon still hadn’t sent his work through to you….

you just snapped, storming over to his dormitory and knocking roughly on the door

“Jihoon, open up! It’s Y/N”

Standing outside for another couple of minutes you figured that he must not have been home and you were about to head off when you saw him round the corner 

“Y/N? what are you doing here?”

“The project? You haven’t sent me your things yet, and you havent been replying to any of my messages”

“You sent me messages?” He took his phone out of his pocket, gulping nervously when he saw the list of missed calls and unread texts.

“Look I can explain, do you want to come in first?”

He opened the door to his dorm and ushered you inside, before you can answer

“Last month, I was scouted by a company to become an idol….”

Recently, he had been training non-stop, which explained why you hadn’t been seeing him in all your lectures like usual

He’d get home late, have no time to work on anything or relax

And the company trainee contract meant that he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about his training and he still had to attend as much college as possible

As Jihoon explained his situation, you saw the exhaustion on his face and how genuine he was explaining himself

You sat down next to him, getting your laptop out of your bag

“Well, it’s called a group project for a reason, I can give you a hand”

“No, it’s fine really, I’ll get my part done and send i through to you ASAP, you can go.”

“And risk you falling asleep halfway through and not meeting the deadline, no way.”

You end up working all the way through the evening, stopping briefly to wander to the kitchen to make some coffee

Woojin was there making something to eat and he looked up at you in surprise

“Y/N? What are you doing here?”

“Oh I’m working on the group project with Jihoon, we’re a bit behind schedule”

Woojin looked disappointed, “Is that all? Jihoon hasn’t told you anything…interesting?”

You raise an eyebrow in confusion, “interesting? Oh you mean how he’s a trainee?”

“Yea-! wait no! He told you that he’s a trainee?” 

“Yeah, it explains why he hasn’t been at lectures”

“Ah never mind that, there was something else he’s been wanting to ask you!” Woojin giggles, “Jihoon’s a good guy, just give him a chance alright.”

“A chance for what?”

“I said too much, never mind” 

You shake your head, not too sure what Woojin was going on about, but you took the two coffees and headed back to Jihoon’s room

Closing the door behind you were about to ask Jihoon to decipher what Woojin had just said when you noticed him fast asleep at his desk

Setting down the coffee gently on a coaster you sighed.

This was probably the first time he slept in a while judging by his under eye bags

You walked slowly to his bed, and grabbed the fluffy blanket, placing it over him

You took in his appearance as you stood looking over him

He looked so relaxed when he was asleep, so different to the cold stare he had given that girl who confessed to him during your first encounter

His eyelashes are long and they flutter gently whenever he inhales, his body rising and falling steadily with each breath

You tear your eyes away from him and back to your laptop screen, trying to snap yourself out of the daze, you have to finish this project by tonight

It’s only moments later when you realise that you’ve also drifted off into a slumber

The feeling of something soft is over your shoulders, and you realise the blanket has moved from its owner and is now covering you

It smells like Jihoon though and you find yourself closing your eyes again relaxing in the warmth

—Wait. You fell asleep? 

Your eyes flicker open just in time to see Jihoon printing out sheets of paper and stapling everything together

You glance at the clock and you swear your eyes are playing tricks on you when it reads 3AM

“When did I fall asleep??”

Jihoon is startled by your voice, causing him to drop the stapler he was holding

Both of you reach down to grab it, bumping heads at the same time

You both pull back rubbing your heads in pain, before looking at each other and bursting out into giggles

He looked at the clock, “You probably fell asleep a couple of hours ago, I finished the rest of it and printed everything out so don’t worry. It’s really late though so I should’ve woken you up earlier, I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, “It’s my fault! I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. But seeing as you’ve finished everything, I should probably head home now.”

“W-wait! Let me walk you home at least”

You were taken aback, but it was late, so you figured better be safe than sorry.

You only realised how cold it had gotten as you stepped outside and the air hit you

You shivered slightly, your cardigan wasn’t doing a great job at keeping you warm

Jihoon looked over at you as you walked together, noticing that your teeth were chattering

He reached into his pocket, and handed you his handwarmer

“Take it.”

You look at him in surprise, “Oh I’m fine really, we’re nearly at my place anyway.

“Just take it.” He places the handwarmer gently but firmly into the palm of your hand

The dim street lights make it hard to tell but you swear can see faint traces of a blush on Jihoon’s face

“Y/N, your hands are freezing?!”

You shrug, “it’s just bad circulation, i’ll be fine with the handwarmer, thank you”

Jihoon shakes his head in concern before grabbing both your hands in his

His hands are warm and soft against yours and you blush at the close proximity

He brings your hands up to his face and slowly breathes onto them, the warm air hitting them

It’s a sweet gesture and you’re getting even more flustered because who wouldn’t want their longtime crush to do something like this

You tried to divert your attention to something else, so you started up another conversation

“Oh, so Woojin was telling me that you had something interesting to tell me?”  

“Oh um.” Jihoon lets go of your hands and scratches the back of his head awkwardly

You’re a bit sad at the sudden lack of warmth of his hands round yours but you just ignore the feeling

“Must be something juicy, what is it? Do you like someone?”

Jihoon’s eyes widen, and you realise you hit the nail on the head.

Your heart sinks a bit but you force a smile on your face, “ah how sweet, what are they like?”

He takes a deep breath, eyes practically glazing over as he speaks, “she’s beautiful, and kind and has the most breathtaking smile…”

You nod silently, glad that your house is literally only a few more steps away

“and also..well…you’d probably know better than me.” Jihoon stops walking, making you pause mid step. 

“Uh….hmmm, is it Sohyun? oh, wait, what about Jaehee? Am I right? Yes? No?”

He’s looking directly at you, his stare burning straight through you. “You really have no idea who I’m talking about….”

You’re literally so confused, trying to think of everyone in your class.

“For someone as bright as you, you’re quite slow on the uptake aren’t you?”

Next thing you know, Jihoon has reached over to you and pulled you to him

His lips are sweet on yours and your mind is racing as his arms embrace you gently

You can feel his heart hammering quickly against his chest under your palm and you can feel your own heartbeat pounding in your ears

When you pull apart, both of you are too shy to make eyecontact and you splutter out a goodnight

you reach up and give him a quick peck on the cheek before zooming inside your house, immediately resting against the door as soon as it closes behind you

A few minutes later your phone chimes and you pick it up tentatively

It’s a text from Jihoon. 

From: Park Winkboy:Hope you sleep well tonight and I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks for helping me out with the project.

You smile gently, and you’re texting a reply when your phone chimes again

From: Park Winkboy:P.S. I really like you 

i can totally picture college Jihoon embracing his dorm!jihoon self and going full tsundere mode lol - This is so long tho omfg when did i become winkboy trash.  

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[adelaideattractions]

11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam

Less than two weeks after a carefully-worded statement hit the press declaring that Hollywood sweethearts Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus were separating, their attempt at keeping things amicable has been hit with a wrecking ball. It all started so respectfully. Our hearts were breaking from news that our favourite couple was on the rocks, but their press release offered plenty of hope that theyd one day reunite (again). Liam and Miley have agreed to separate at this time, a spokesman for Cyrus told People magazine on August 10. RELATED: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworths pets post breakup RELATED: Miley Cyrus fired for buying Liam Hemsworth a penis cake RELATED: Miley Cyrus blasts cheating claims in a series of tweets Ever-evolving, changing as partners and individuals, they have decided this is whats best while they both focus on themselves and careers. They still remain dedicated parents to all of their animals they share while lovingly taking this time apart. Sometime between then and now, something snapped between the two, and Hemsworth suddenly filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. So whats the real story behind this increasingly messy split?

media_cameraPlenty of people hoped the pair would work things out. Picture: Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney REUNION HOPES The original statement was a shock, but it didnt take a relationship expert to work out that theyd intentionally used soft language like separate at this time and lovingly taking this time apart. These are not the words of two people certain that they want to be apart forever and history told us they were prone to a bit of on/off action. Cyrus and Hemsworth met as young lovebirds on the set of The Last Song in 2009 and got engaged in 2012 before breaking up two years later.

media_cameraThey met as teenagers on the set of The Last Song. Then in 2016, they reunited with another engagement and secretly wed in December at Cyrus house in Franklin, Tennessee.

media_cameraThe couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony at home. Picture: Instagram According to most reports, things quickly soured and Hemsworth and Cyrus separated in June, but had decided to keep their time apart low-key and respectful until it hit the press. Once it did everything changed. THOSE ITALIAN PHOTOS First, there were the photos of Cyrus, 26, kissing reality TV star Kaitlynn Carter, 30, during a PDA-heavy Italian jaunt.

media_cameraPhotos were released of Carter (left) and Cyrus kissing.

media_cameraHemsworth was said to be blindsided by news of the fling. The photos were released just hours after news broke of the separation, providing a jarring double-blow of a shock to fans and by many accounts, to Hemsworth himself, who was holed up with his brothers family in Byron Bay at the time. As the days rolled on and amid growing feverish speculation and whispers of infidelity, Hemsworth took the bold step of releasing a statement via Instagram. But from there, things took a nasty turn. THE BLAME GAME Suddenly, after weeks of staying quiet, sources from both camps were weaponised, hurtling barbs and thinly-veiled accusations at each other. Far from keeping us in the dark with their amicable and loving time apart, Cyrus and Hemsworth were via their sources increasingly trying to one-up each other in the blame game.

media_cameraCyrus posted a series of Instagram shots from Italy as news broke of the split. Given Cyrus occasionally wild past and the telling interview she gave with Elle in July, plenty of people assumed that a major factor in the split was her desire to revert back to her partying ways. I mean, do people really think that Im at home in a f***ing apron cooking dinner? I definitely dont fit into a stereotypical wife role. I dont even like that word, she told the magazine. PARTYING LIFESTYLE But as that narrative quickly began to form, TMZ published quotes attributed to a source on Cyrus side, insisting that it was actually the opposite. According to the outlet, the Malibu singer battled valiantly to save her and Hemsworths seven-month marriage but struggled to accept his heavy drinking and use of certain drugs a claim which he has since denied. People magazine also published a scathing story claiming that Cyrus had tried to kerb his partying and that he would lash out at her. Everyone always thinks Miley is problematic and immature and a hardcore partyer while hes this chill surfer dude, but thats actually (not accurate), People quoted a source as saying. That particular accusation may have eventually been drowned out amid all the other noise had it not been for the fact that just days later, Cyrus released a jaw-droppingly blunt song clearly aimed at Hemsworth.

media_cameraCyrus was back in the studio within days. Heres a snippet of Slide Away: I want my house in the hills Dont want the whiskey and pills I dont give up easily But I dont think Im down So wont you slide away Back to the ocean, Ill go back to the city lights Move on, were not 17 Im not who I used to be You say that everything changed Youre right, were grown now The message was clear: Cyrus wanted people to know it was Hemsworth, not she, who needed to grow up. [embedded content] IMMATURE STUNT But Team Hemsworth wasnt taking any of that lying down. It wasnt long before a friend of the Hunger Games star told Page Six that hed been blindsided and left heartbroken by the photos of his estranged wife and Carter. They are still married and they really did love each other. Shes really immature and always has been, a source said. One of Carters The Hills castmates, Brandon Thomas Lee, even weighed in on the drama, accusing the women of trying to mess with their exes (Carter also recently split from The Hills alum Brody Jenner). This whole is just so I dont know, I didnt want to even get involved with it, but it just seems so fake to me, Lee told E! News of Cyrus and Carters romance. Its just like, why? Theyre just obviously messing with their two ex-husbands. And theyre all friends! It just seems so ridiculous to me.

media_cameraJust a stunt? Picture: Instagram Page Six also claimed that people close to Hemsworth had revealed that Cyrus sources had been working overtime to paint (him) as the problem and that he was hurt by the coverage. Liam is one of the kindest, gentlest people out there. Him being wild or drunk or deadbeat is absolutely ridiculous, the source said, adding that the booze claims are 100 per cent a distraction from Cyrus alleged infidelity. MAKING IT PERMANENT Exactly eleven days after announcing their tentative separation, Hemsworth hired famed lawyer Laura Wasser and abruptly filed for divorce from Cyrus. Liam is just done with it. There is no turning back and he knows he wants to move on, E! News quoted an insider as saying. They have not had a lot of communication. There is nothing to say. So what made him break things off for good? Slide Away cant have helped, nor would reports of Cyrus basically having sex with Carter at an LA club last week. Either way, the events of the past couple of weeks flipped the relationship from separated at this time- to dead in the water. MILEY HITS OUT Perhaps it was the shock at his sudden filing that made Cyrus finally flip or maybe she was just desperate to finally defend herself publicly but after that, the words came tumbling out via a lengthy Twitter thread. I can accept that the life Ive chosen means I must live completely open and transparent with my fans who I love, and the public, 100% of the time, she began. What I cannot accept is being told Im lying to cover up a crime I havent committed. I have nothing to hide.

media_cameraThe singer denied the cheating claims. Picture: Instagram I f**ked up and cheated in relationships when I was young, she wrote. But the truth is, once Liam & I reconciled, I meant it, & I was committed. There are NO secrets to uncover here. Ive learned from every experience in my life. Im not perfect, I dont want to be, its boring. Ive grown up in front of you, but the bottom line is, I HAVE GROWN UP. I can admit to a lot of things but I refuse to admit that my marriage ended because of cheating. Liam and I have been together for a decade. Ive said it before & it remains true, I love Liam and always will. WHAT NOW? The only good news out of the situation is that the couple had a prenup, and with no requests for spousal support, the divorce should be finalised quickly a rarity in Hollywood. The agreement reportedly outlines a clear separation of their profits during the marriage, with both Cyrus and Hemsworth retaining the homes they individually purchased. Unfortunately for all the hopeless romantics following the Hemsworth/Cyrus love story over the past decade unlike other times, this breakup is likely to stick. Think about it: Cyrus and Hemsworth called off their engagement and split up back in 2013, but managed to maintain mutual respect and affection publicly in the years that followed prior to their eventual reunion. This time? Not so much and divorce has a finality to it that rarely offers a point of return. Originally published as 11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/how-miley-cyrus-and-liam-hemsworths-amicable-split-turned-so-ugly/news-story/e0d2c9eefb3e60afa4deb532609a2bea?from=htc_rss

[adelaidecity]

11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam

Less than two weeks after a carefully-worded statement hit the press declaring that Hollywood sweethearts Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus were separating, their attempt at keeping things amicable has been hit with a wrecking ball. It all started so respectfully. Our hearts were breaking from news that our favourite couple was on the rocks, but their press release offered plenty of hope that theyd one day reunite (again). Liam and Miley have agreed to separate at this time, a spokesman for Cyrus told People magazine on August 10. RELATED: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworths pets post breakup RELATED: Miley Cyrus fired for buying Liam Hemsworth a penis cake RELATED: Miley Cyrus blasts cheating claims in a series of tweets Ever-evolving, changing as partners and individuals, they have decided this is whats best while they both focus on themselves and careers. They still remain dedicated parents to all of their animals they share while lovingly taking this time apart. Sometime between then and now, something snapped between the two, and Hemsworth suddenly filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. So whats the real story behind this increasingly messy split?

media_cameraPlenty of people hoped the pair would work things out. Picture: Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney REUNION HOPES The original statement was a shock, but it didnt take a relationship expert to work out that theyd intentionally used soft language like separate at this time and lovingly taking this time apart. These are not the words of two people certain that they want to be apart forever and history told us they were prone to a bit of on/off action. Cyrus and Hemsworth met as young lovebirds on the set of The Last Song in 2009 and got engaged in 2012 before breaking up two years later.

media_cameraThey met as teenagers on the set of The Last Song. Then in 2016, they reunited with another engagement and secretly wed in December at Cyrus house in Franklin, Tennessee.

media_cameraThe couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony at home. Picture: Instagram According to most reports, things quickly soured and Hemsworth and Cyrus separated in June, but had decided to keep their time apart low-key and respectful until it hit the press. Once it did everything changed. THOSE ITALIAN PHOTOS First, there were the photos of Cyrus, 26, kissing reality TV star Kaitlynn Carter, 30, during a PDA-heavy Italian jaunt.

media_cameraPhotos were released of Carter (left) and Cyrus kissing.

media_cameraHemsworth was said to be blindsided by news of the fling. The photos were released just hours after news broke of the separation, providing a jarring double-blow of a shock to fans and by many accounts, to Hemsworth himself, who was holed up with his brothers family in Byron Bay at the time. As the days rolled on and amid growing feverish speculation and whispers of infidelity, Hemsworth took the bold step of releasing a statement via Instagram. But from there, things took a nasty turn. THE BLAME GAME Suddenly, after weeks of staying quiet, sources from both camps were weaponised, hurtling barbs and thinly-veiled accusations at each other. Far from keeping us in the dark with their amicable and loving time apart, Cyrus and Hemsworth were via their sources increasingly trying to one-up each other in the blame game.

media_cameraCyrus posted a series of Instagram shots from Italy as news broke of the split. Given Cyrus occasionally wild past and the telling interview she gave with Elle in July, plenty of people assumed that a major factor in the split was her desire to revert back to her partying ways. I mean, do people really think that Im at home in a f***ing apron cooking dinner? I definitely dont fit into a stereotypical wife role. I dont even like that word, she told the magazine. PARTYING LIFESTYLE But as that narrative quickly began to form, TMZ published quotes attributed to a source on Cyrus side, insisting that it was actually the opposite. According to the outlet, the Malibu singer battled valiantly to save her and Hemsworths seven-month marriage but struggled to accept his heavy drinking and use of certain drugs a claim which he has since denied. People magazine also published a scathing story claiming that Cyrus had tried to kerb his partying and that he would lash out at her. Everyone always thinks Miley is problematic and immature and a hardcore partyer while hes this chill surfer dude, but thats actually (not accurate), People quoted a source as saying. That particular accusation may have eventually been drowned out amid all the other noise had it not been for the fact that just days later, Cyrus released a jaw-droppingly blunt song clearly aimed at Hemsworth.

media_cameraCyrus was back in the studio within days. Heres a snippet of Slide Away: I want my house in the hills Dont want the whiskey and pills I dont give up easily But I dont think Im down So wont you slide away Back to the ocean, Ill go back to the city lights Move on, were not 17 Im not who I used to be You say that everything changed Youre right, were grown now The message was clear: Cyrus wanted people to know it was Hemsworth, not she, who needed to grow up. [embedded content] IMMATURE STUNT But Team Hemsworth wasnt taking any of that lying down. It wasnt long before a friend of the Hunger Games star told Page Six that hed been blindsided and left heartbroken by the photos of his estranged wife and Carter. They are still married and they really did love each other. Shes really immature and always has been, a source said. One of Carters The Hills castmates, Brandon Thomas Lee, even weighed in on the drama, accusing the women of trying to mess with their exes (Carter also recently split from The Hills alum Brody Jenner). This whole is just so I dont know, I didnt want to even get involved with it, but it just seems so fake to me, Lee told E! News of Cyrus and Carters romance. Its just like, why? Theyre just obviously messing with their two ex-husbands. And theyre all friends! It just seems so ridiculous to me.

media_cameraJust a stunt? Picture: Instagram Page Six also claimed that people close to Hemsworth had revealed that Cyrus sources had been working overtime to paint (him) as the problem and that he was hurt by the coverage. Liam is one of the kindest, gentlest people out there. Him being wild or drunk or deadbeat is absolutely ridiculous, the source said, adding that the booze claims are 100 per cent a distraction from Cyrus alleged infidelity. MAKING IT PERMANENT Exactly eleven days after announcing their tentative separation, Hemsworth hired famed lawyer Laura Wasser and abruptly filed for divorce from Cyrus. Liam is just done with it. There is no turning back and he knows he wants to move on, E! News quoted an insider as saying. They have not had a lot of communication. There is nothing to say. So what made him break things off for good? Slide Away cant have helped, nor would reports of Cyrus basically having sex with Carter at an LA club last week. Either way, the events of the past couple of weeks flipped the relationship from separated at this time- to dead in the water. MILEY HITS OUT Perhaps it was the shock at his sudden filing that made Cyrus finally flip or maybe she was just desperate to finally defend herself publicly but after that, the words came tumbling out via a lengthy Twitter thread. I can accept that the life Ive chosen means I must live completely open and transparent with my fans who I love, and the public, 100% of the time, she began. What I cannot accept is being told Im lying to cover up a crime I havent committed. I have nothing to hide.

media_cameraThe singer denied the cheating claims. Picture: Instagram I f**ked up and cheated in relationships when I was young, she wrote. But the truth is, once Liam & I reconciled, I meant it, & I was committed. There are NO secrets to uncover here. Ive learned from every experience in my life. Im not perfect, I dont want to be, its boring. Ive grown up in front of you, but the bottom line is, I HAVE GROWN UP. I can admit to a lot of things but I refuse to admit that my marriage ended because of cheating. Liam and I have been together for a decade. Ive said it before & it remains true, I love Liam and always will. WHAT NOW? The only good news out of the situation is that the couple had a prenup, and with no requests for spousal support, the divorce should be finalised quickly a rarity in Hollywood. The agreement reportedly outlines a clear separation of their profits during the marriage, with both Cyrus and Hemsworth retaining the homes they individually purchased. Unfortunately for all the hopeless romantics following the Hemsworth/Cyrus love story over the past decade unlike other times, this breakup is likely to stick. Think about it: Cyrus and Hemsworth called off their engagement and split up back in 2013, but managed to maintain mutual respect and affection publicly in the years that followed prior to their eventual reunion. This time? Not so much and divorce has a finality to it that rarely offers a point of return. Originally published as 11 days that destroyed Miley and Liam https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/how-miley-cyrus-and-liam-hemsworths-amicable-split-turned-so-ugly/news-story/e0d2c9eefb3e60afa4deb532609a2bea?from=htc_rss

[naruto-scenarios-plus-akatsuki]

Sai Drabble

Sorry for the lack of posting lately; my computer is still not working. Im just lucky to be able to use my phone to check on my blog occasionally. I dont have many requests left in my drafts so i havent been posting as much so i will be closing my ask box soon because i have no way of completing tasks efficiently any more. Also i know no one asked for this, but this was something I was working on and I needed this. And since my oc I have created for Sai doesn't do art, I still wanted to imagine what Sai would think if his s/o did art but didn't like to share. Don’t mind me, I’m a sap for Sai  😫 Sai reacting to his s/o being shy about their art

“Sai, what are you doing?!?! Those are private!!” You called alarmed, darting into the room. You were quick to snatch your sketch book out of Sai’s hands, closing it and hugging it tight to your chest.

“Private?” Sai questioned perplex, trying to process what was happening. His eyebrows were scrunched down as he looked at you, wondering what was wrong.

Your face looked panick and you were mildly upset that Sai was snooping through your sketch book. You had been dating Sai for a few months now and you found he was a very attentive boyfriend, yet you also knew he lacked emotional intelligence. He had a hard time reading social cues and understanding other people’s emotions as well as his own.

This was sometimes a challenge in your relationship with him but what made it easier was his straightforward nature. He was honest and open about any aspect of his life and his thoughts. You found comfort in knowing he didn’t lie to you and you two had been building a steady trust over the last few months as you two got to know each other more.

Sai had known you were an artist and had always wanted to see your work, but you were too shy and embarrassed to show him.  It was hard to show your work especially to another artist for fear of their judgment and their criticalness of it. You didn’t know how to explain that to Sai so you always told him you’ll show him later. Apparently later was now since you invited him over to your house and when you excused yourself to get some snacks, he happened to find your sketch book that you left lying around.

You felt flustered and slightly mad at Sai for invading on your personal belongings.

“Yes! I don’t like anyone looking at my drawings,” you stated, a slight whine in your voice.

“How come?” Sai ask curiously, his eyes trailing over your features trying to assess your emotions.

“I just don’t feel comfortable sharing,” you exclaimed, heatedly but tried to remain calm as you huffed.

Sai paused for a moment, thoughtful in his next set of words.

“Y/N, I’m sorry for intruding on your belongings,” Sai expressed somber. “Your drawings caught my eye and I always been intrigued to see them.”

You sighed in defeated, looking up at Sai. “It’s ok.”

“You sketch a lot,” Sai mentioned monotone.

“I know. I’ve been drawing since I was little. I hoard all my old drawings in my room,” you spoke patiently, though your voice still sounded upset.

“You aren’t half bad,” Sai commented.

“Ha, thanks,” you couldn’t help but snort, “But I’m nowhere as good as you though.”

“You shouldn’t compare your art to mine. Each user has a different art style,” Sai stated straightforward, not seeing the problem.

“I know, but my art is sloppy and unfinished half the time,” you objected.

Sai eyed you critically for a moment, seeing the hesitancy in your features.

“What’s the real reason you don’t like sharing?” Sai asked, calmly.

“Um…” You looked up into Sai’s eyes. He was searching for answers and you knew he was a keen observer of your actions. He could always tell when there was more to the story and he was never afraid to ask why even if the answers were hard for him to comprehend. “I guess I don’t feel adequate enough and sharing my drawings is like sharing a piece of myself with somebody,” you expressed genuinely, biting your lip in a nervous habit. You looked down at your sketch book in your hands, disappointedly.

Sai saw your downcast expression and slump shoulders. He paused in thought, nodding slowly to what you had admitted.

“Your work isn’t inadequate. Your work is its own form of art. I understand how you may not feel ready to share your artwork with me yet, but I am here whenever you are ready. I enjoy looking over your work and I want to get to know those pieces of yourself. There’s no one else I have a real interest in knowing,” Sai spoke evenly, smiling at the tail end of his speech.

“Sai…” You were at a loss for words. Sai was so open and honest to you. It was so sweet sometimes the words that he spoke even if they sometimes sounded flat or without passion but you knew he only ever said what he meant and that’s what mattered to you.

The corners of your lips tilted up and your heart was over flowing with affection.

“I won’t try to peer at your artwork again until you want to show me, even if I find it adorable how you try to hide them,” Sai continued, his tone light.

You wrapped your arms around him right then and there after placing your sketch book down on a table. Sai was stiff for a moment before he relaxed into your arms, before moving his arms to embrace you back. Sai smiled more warmly at your gesture as you tightened your hold on his waist.

You reclined your neck to look up at his face, smiling at seeing his warm features. You inclined your neck to reach his lips in that moment and Sai did not shy away, giving you a light kiss. The kiss was smooth and light before you parted from him.

Sai was looking at you adoringly, perfectly content in your arms.

“Thank you,” you mentioned, your heart fluttering in your chest as you continued looking into his eyes.

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[sweetlifetownsville]

To End The Year, A Mini-Magpie With A Mini Mystery.

Has mega-fraudster Craig Gore skipped Australia? And if so, why hasnt this been reported in the media especially since he is supposed to have made a midnight flit the very day after a judge refused to allow him to leave? In other matters, one has to admit that the Townsville Bulletin is consistent it has ended the year as it started, continuing its weekly Olympic-standard shambles. And Mongrel the Barrister has left us lawyer Mark Donnelly, the man who inspired a much loved Magpie character has passed away. and our final visit to Trumpistan for 2018. But first Its hard to keep a good man down, and our fav toonist Bentley is nothing if not a good man. Even in the holiday season, he casts his jaundiced eye over the news, and brings us a different and rib-tickling perspective. This week, he was much taken as most of us were with the drone drama at Gatwick Airport in the UK. A professional drone was reported in the airports approach and departure air space, and thousands of travellers were stuck when the whole shebang was shut down for a couple of days while the wallopers tried to go hi-tech and trace the source of the bastardry. Its not fully sorted yet, but Bentley thinks the drone may have already met its fate.

Why Arent All The Gore-y Details Available?

Will ye no come back agin, laddie? Now to our mini-mystery. On December 19, this report appeared in the Courier Mail. Judge denies disgraced former rich-lister Craig Gore request to travel overseas Vanessa Marsh, The Courier-Mail December 20, 2018 2:21pm A DISGRACED former rich-lister accused of ripping off almost $800,000 from investors has broken down in court after a judge refused his request to leave the country to visit family. Lawyers for alleged fraudster Craig Gore today launched an application in the Queensland District Court, seeking for the former businessmans bail conditions to be altered to allow him to travel to Sweden to visit his wife and children. But Judge Paul Smith denied the request, saying Gore faced a long time in prison if convicted and there was a real risk he would not return to Australia to face trial. Gore is facing 12 charges of fraud over allegations he swindled about $800,000 from self-managed super fund investors in 2013-14. He also faces three charges of managing companies while disqualified. Now that seems pretty definitive and eminently sensible. But The Magpie was informed two days later, by a regular contact and mate who has always been on the money in the past, that Gore went back to court the next day on another application, and had his passport returned so he could be with his family in Sweden at Christmas. He was to return in three months to face trial and possibility of a lengthy striped suntan. The Pies contact says Gore was on a flight out of Brisbane that night at 11pm, accompanied by a lawyer (that was apparently part of the arrangement) who will return with certain paperwork. Gore will be expected to make his own way back to face his fate in March. Yeah, right. Now all that is as it may be, BUT THIS SPECTACULAR REVERSAL OF A JUDGES IMPLACABLE DECISION HAS BEEN NEITHER EXPLAINED OR APPEARED IN THE MEDIA. Well, not that The Magpie can find, after days of searching to verify. If it is true, there will be a hell of a lot of very pissed off people Gores victims and the tireless investigators who nailed him who know just how long are the odds that we will ever see this shyster again. Shades of Skase!! Perhaps we will never know how this came about if it did come about because there will be a lofty judicial silence of unaccountability if he is a no show but surely the second hearing was an open court? Hard to fathom why it wasnt reported. Mongrel The Barrister Is No More The Magpies good mate Mark Sludge Donnelly the man who partially inspired the popular Magpie character Mongrel the Barrister, died in his family home in Cairns last weekend. It is fair to say that Mark was my best mate in the halcyon days of Portraits Bar in the Exchange Hotel all through the Noughties, the years when I was reporting court matters for the Bulletin. We were part of a memorable and disparate group, the bar crowded with our marvellously mixed group every Thursday, Friday and sometimes Saturday nights. (The fondly remembered Portraits became Poseurs Bar in the newspaper column and then in this blog.) Mark was universally known as Sludge, which he happily answered to, but never fully explained, even to me, its origins apparently it had something to do with a memorable comment from a lecturer or senior teacher suggesting Marks behaviour at that time some comparable to something from the bottom of a pond. Sludge was one of the wittiest people Ive known, and his memory was nothing short of astounding, not just for quoting legal precedents but in all things, particularly pop music. He always commandeered the music machine at parties, and was a pretty good DJ. He also had an eye for a well turned ankle, and his way of getting ladies to talk about themselves endeared him to more than one. Like many a member of the Portraits push, Mark liked a drink, and some believed he was a bit too enthusiastic in this direction. But I would say that rather than having a battle with the bottle, he just had frequent skirmishes with it, as we all did and any excess rarely affected his work at the other more sedate bar, where he often shone. Mark left Townsville when his father died, to live with his mother in the family home in Cairns. He didnt practice in Cairns, and went into virtual retirement, which was plagued by ill health for some time. He returned to Townsville annually for his birthday, but I lost touch in the past few years, for which I feel a bit miserable now. Sludge is now undoubtedly arguing the finer points about the Laws of Entry with St Peter for that is certainly where this witty, soft-hearted old friend of mine now is because we all know God loves a larrikin. Mark was 62. They Really Dont Understand Language at The Astonisher, Do They? And they even get the wrong WORD for a headlines. Even when theyre trying to make a pun, which kinda depends on the right word, yes? But we got a headline quoting some bizoid saying Townsville is bracing for a great 2018. Bracing for? Ahem. Youve managed to say EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you meant. Heres the dictionary definition of bracing. verb[withobject] prepare (someone or oneself) forsomethingdifficult or unpleasant:both stations arebracingthemselvesforjoblosses|policeare braced fora trafficnightmare. So although this paper goes through life like a bouncing Hari Krishna whos visited the medicine cabinet once too often, giving us totally unquestioning, unexamined glop about our economy (usually from someone with a vested interest), it seem to have inadvertently hit on the truth here. However, the most tedious aspect of the paper of late is the dreary attempts at humour in headlines, particularly about crime, a subject no one in Townsville with the exception of you folks in Flinders Street, finds the least bit funny. AND EVEN THEN, LANGUAGE FAILS YOU let alone a sharp sense of humour.Take this major front page fail on Thursday.

Swindler? My dear headline writer, stay with me on this and read slowly, feel free to move your lips as you must. Now lets see, a swindler is someone who fiddles some unsuspecting victim out of something. That person would be called a fiddler, and if hidden in a ceiling, could be described as ta da a Fiddler In The Roof. You see, this would then coincide with the hit musical of the same name oh, how we would have all fallen about, clutching our sides in mirth, and holding your superior wit in such esteem!!! But swindler? Now weve just got a headache from smacking our foreheads yet again. And this one in simply NOT TRUE. This online

The actual number of people who said (or may have said, who knows, its probably a fiddled fantasy anyway) was 55% of the 700 or so people who responded to a totally uncontrolled survey. If there area 220,000 potential readers (ha! you wish) in the circulation area, the percentage is not even .5 of one percent. But we all know that the on-line edition is sloppy, so the paper itself will temper the outlandish claims, wont it? Errr no.

This is simply lying, and treating people like morons. And still they wonder But barely have we swallowed our anger before we start scratching our heads over weird genuinely weird stories like this, which would suggest that English isnt TEL boss Patricia OCallaghans first language, or she was suffering mild sunstroke when she was penned the media release from which the story was transcribed.

This story is selective twaddle certainly straight off an unedited media release from the Dudley Do Nothings, meaningless twaddle in which Ms OCallaghan specialises. It has often been said of her that she has the gift of the gab, and aint that the truth, just about all of what she has to say, in The Pies experience, is just that meaningless gabble that sounds good until it is more thoughtfully examined. Like this: The Museum of Underwater Art, located within the heart of The Great Barrier Reef, is a proposal based on the works of international sculpture and underwater artist Jason deCaires Taylor. Whats that bit located in the heart of the Great Barrier Reef? Has there been a Krakatoa-like geographic shift we havent noticed? The Underwater Museum, one of several planned along the coast, will be, at last report, just of Maggy Island, the GBR is a at least an hour or more away by fast cat . But in it goes to the story, with a newbie cub reporter just churning out this PR bumf. But wait, theres more. We then get this prize piece of meaningless gabble from the top executive charged with attracting and promoting tourism to Townsville: Its a project that is going to enhance the Great Barrier Reef experience and also educate visitors on how we manage and live with the reef everyday Ms OCallaghan said. That is absolute poppycock that is totally meaningless. And We? Bloody WE? FFS, girl, get a bloody grip. Insulting, uppity tripe from Ms OCallaghan and lazy, presumably unsupervised reporting (read: select all, copy and paste) by a very uncurious junior reporter (read: stenographer). Really, a monkey using scrabble board wouldve made more sense. The clusterfuck continues no wonder were so deep in the shit. Other matters As if golf didnt already have enough hazards.

Words of Wisdom From Two Funny Men

Frankie Boyle The cleverest quote of the week comes from the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle in the Guardian. But first, his preamble touched a chord for The Magpie, who can vouch for it when Mr Boyle writes: The plight of the satirist, such as it is, is a compulsion to look at the grimmest, most important thing they can think of, and then for reasons that probably wouldnt survive a really good therapist, try to make it funny. To try to address the iniquities of their society, the satirist must manufacture some hope that what theyre doing might make a difference, then type it all up and send it off somewhere before they remember that it never does. Looking back over the events of this year is a bit like holding a doll for a therapist and pointing to where the bad man hurt you. Mr Boyles point is a universal one, which can be shared by Townsvilleans looking back over the past shambolic year. But his prize quote is so subtle, that you may have to think about for a while The Pie roared after a few seconds. The murder ofJamal Khashoggiby Saudi Arabia is another very difficult subject to find the lighter side of, unless someone in the Ecuadorean embassy has clipped the story out and stuck it to the fridge. (Sigh) Dear Mystified of Mysterton, it means that the Ecuadoreans might be giving their Wikileaks guest Julian Assange a hint.

Dave Barry The other funnyman worth a quote is the inimitable Dave Barry , the American columnist who talks about Florida the way The Magpie talks about Townsville only he is far funnier, proof being that The Magpie pinches more of his lines (many) than he does of The Magpies (none). This was his challenge to a graduating class, but it can just as well apply to the year 2019. How are you, Class, going to respond when the Clock-Radio of Challenge emits the Irritating Buzz of Opportunity? Are you going to roll over and hit the Snooze Button of Complacency? Or are you going to wake up and, after performing the Bodily Functions of Preparedness, boldly grasp the Toothbrush of Tomorrow? And no matter what you do in the coming year, make sure youre always politically correct, so no snowflakes will melt before your harsh words.

And So To This Week In Trumpistan First, compare Trump as Commander In Chief of real US soldiers, on his surprise visit to Iraq

Guess whos wondering if she packed the shampoo? with this.

And now to our final gallery of the year about the man Frankie Boyle described as this troll-doll King Lear, who looks like something youd pick off a baking tray after cooking pizza above it.

And Finally How The Hell ? The Pie has been occasionally upbraided for the use of naughty words in this blog well, one word in particular. He is aware that it can be confronting, but it is the other F word Frustration that compels him to sometimes resort to other for emphasis. Anyway, so what, if its good enough for Sesame Street, its good enough for The Pie. .. So that was the year that was, and what a rip-snorter we have coming up. Turns out this edition wasnt so mini after all. Comments run throughout the holiday break 24/7, so you dont have to wait to have your say. And the New Year will look even rosier for the old bird if you think the Nest is worth a small donation to keep it neat and tidy. The how to donate button is below. HAPPY NEW YEAR, YALL. http://www.townsvillemagpie.com.au/to-end-the-year-a-mini-magpie-with-a-mini-mystery/

[balarsen22]

Therapy 5/2

We started off talking about the weekend, and how roller derby went. I had just found out that the rankings went from 207 to 130 because of how well we did, so I was pretty happy about that. I talked about how I was really feeling the pressure, that if I didn't play well Hurt would replace me and I’d be benched. I was trying to force myself to have fun. She asked about my mood over the weekend, and when I said ups and downs she asked if there were actually any ups (because usually I say that and then take it back and say more like flat and downs). There were one or two ups, but I did have a couple of bad downs too. I  admitted that I didn't make the calorie goal on Saturday night, and told her about the after party. She asked more about who was there who knows how much I struggle with that situation (megan, emily, and maybe shannon?), but I ended up leaving because I couldn't stop shaking and people from the team noticed. She got stuck for a little bit about me taking that much Xanax. She said that this week we’d let that I didn't hit my calories that night slide because I was completely stoned and overdosing on xanax. I commented that its no where near the dose I would need to overdose- I’ve calculated it, so I know. Apparently she was just joking about the overdose part... She asked more about how much I use xanax, which I try not to. I’ve had to use it more lately though. She told me I can't be taking that much, a She asked more about what goes through my head when I’m panicking, and I struggled to find the words to explain it. Eventually I came up with that if there was a thought bubble over my head, it would just be filled with exclamation points. I just really struggle with crowded and loud situations. She seemed to have a lightbulb go on in her brain, and asked me about if there was any tastes, or textures, or smells that set me off while she grabbed her laptop. It’s so hard for me to come up with a list of that stuff off the top of my head, but the smell of alcohol and the smell of cardboard set me off too, and being touched by people I don't know or if I’m not ready for it. Then she asked me a bunch of questions from whatever survey she had to confirm her idea, of which I ended up answering true to most of them. It included statements like “I am very sensitive to caffeine” and “other people’s mood affects me” and “I am easily startled” and “when I compete or am observed while performing a task I become so nervous that I do much worse than I would otherwise,” and a whole bunch of other statements I never really thought would be related. And then she told me I am a highly sensitive person. She seemed really excited to have figured it out. She explained that its when a person has hypersensitivity to external stimuli, a greater depth of cognitive processing, and high emotional reactivity. That there’s no treatment for it, but being aware of it can help. She disclosed that she has it as well- she struggles with textures, and bright lights, loud music or the windows down in the car, and similar things like that. As she talked, it all seemed to click for me. How much I have always struggled with noises especially, but also how I can get overwhelmed, and how other people’s mood affects me. She said it often gets overlooked as someone just being an introvert, as its rare that an extrovert has the trait (but she's one of the rarities). I started thinking back to TK, and how much everything affected me there- the dining hall, the fans, the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people who were upset or struggling. She said that it gets worse when we don't get enough sleep, so it makes sense that it gets worse when I’m sleep deprived. The sensitivity to caffeine being linked surprised me, but it fits. It also explains why I don't do well at bars or parties, and why the xanax didn't help. It can get mistaken for anxiety a lot of the time, or turn into anxiety, but its a different type of trigger. She asked why I even went to the bar in the first place, and I explained that I didn't want to miss out on things. I was frustrated with myself and wanted to make myself do it, and it was a team thing and I would've been the only one that didn't go. I had to at least try. She said she understood, but its probably best for me to avoid those situations. She was so pleased with herself to have figured it out. 

She changed the subject back to mood, and said that it was the beginning of May and we had said we were going to re-evaluate what I was going to do this summer at the beginning of May. She asked me to consider where I was and how I’m doing now. I’m still not doing great, but I’m not as bad as I was. She asked me to look at what was different- am I not going as low, is it longer in between, etc. I think I’m still going that low, but I’m not staying at the deepest part for as long as I had been. There’s also more time between the really low points. I also can't tell if thats because I’ve been numb a lot lately though. She asked what I was going to do, and I brought up that today was the one year anniversary of when I was admitted to TK, and that I have been thinking about residential a lot lately. I’ve concluded that I’m either going to get better or I’m not, but I’m not willing to drop everything again for something I don't believe can help. The only thing that would get me to go back would be if I end up in the hospital. She said that I almost did and I didn't go, but I argued that I would've gone if she had told me I had to instead of staying with Megan. I mean, I was in the flipping car on the way to the hospital when she called me back. She assumed that was what I meant, but I was more thinking that if I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt I would go (I didn't tell her that though). She asked me what I would do if I was hospitalized at the end of summer. As much as I don’t want to, I would take a medical leave and the year off of school, if it came down to it. She seemed satisfied with my answers, and agreed to keep working with EMDR and neurofeedback and to see how I do. 

We changed subjects to eating disorder day. She said that she was going to assume that weighing was going to be 0 again, and I argued that I haven’t weighed in a month now and I should be able to. She said that she didn't want my eating disorder freaking out on me right before finals, so she was going to make the decision this week and keep it at 0, but we could revisit the idea next week. She asked me what I go up to, and I said how I’m not exercising as much this week because of taper before the half marathon on sunday, and that my hip and knee and shoulder are still super sore from this weekend, so I shouldn't have to really go up much. She argued that I’m still doing the same amount of exercise, but just squeezing it into one day, and that I need to eat to prep for the half marathon. Which I know I do, but not that much the entire week when I’m being lazy and resting. I commented on that it was so much food and that I feel like I’m just constantly eating all the time, and I’m eating when I’m not hungry, and she told me that if I ate foods with higher calorie content that I wouldn't have to eat so often. Doesn't she realize that those foods aren't safe? She joked that she imagines me eating like 3 apples a day and just constantly eating fruit. I also said that its painful a lot of the time- she asked if I meant emotionally, but I meant physically. My GI is all messed up. She commented that after years of restricting and abusing laxatives and diet pills, its bound to be a little messed up and it will take my body some time to rebound and get back to normal, but that she is sorry I’m in pain. She brought the conversation back to my goal number for the week, and when I couldn't decide she told me to just say the number on the count of 3. She really wanted me to do 1800, but I  decided on 1750. She called me a brat (while smiling about it though), but wrote it down. 

She asked me if I had re-tested Jake’s kidneys yet, which I havent, but I told her about how worried I had been when she stopped eating last night to go outside. Thankfully she was just full- apparently Megan (roommate) had left a bag on the ground for awhile when I was gone to surgery lab that had a loaf of bread in it, and Jake ate the loaf of bread. She failed to mention it to me until I asked if she had thought Jake seemed normal earlier. I was pretty pissed. Jessica talked about how her lab eats everything too. I learned a lot about her again today- she’s definitely been telling me more about herself lately than she used to. Its nice. We ran out of time, and I brought up that I was surprised she didn't ask me about the therapy homework- I had been stressing and worried about talking about it, and seriously considered cancelling knowing that we would be discussing it. I said she was going to have to end up reading it anyways, because she wasn't going to get me to say it out loud. She joked that now she really wanted to bring it up now that she knows how uncomfortable it makes me, and that she definitely would've made me read it. I retorted that she would've gotten the abbreviated version and not the actual journal entry. She asked if we should do it thursday or just next week, and I said that I’m all for putting it off another week. I left, but realized later that it will probably tie in to what we’re doing in EMDR on thursday, so it will probably come up then. joy.