#but also i dont know how to accept appreciate or even like platonic care so it's weird lol

[writterings]

i told my boss im in an intensive outpatient program because it affects my work hours and literally he bought me cookies, made me tea today, and sat me down SEVERAL times to tell me that if i need a little taken off my plate then i can just tell him and its literally so sweet i love this man but at the same time im just like huh. is this how an employer is supposed to act? ive nearly gotten fired in the past for my mental health issues so this is wild

[mercurysgem0]

Tanjiro Headcanons! (General, Platonic, Romantic)

my first writing in a while, might be terrible. also the formatting MAYYYY be off i rarely use tumblr let alone post on here.. gulps. ENJOY THO!!! shoutout to @thecardiganzlovrx3 for some ideas and support love u a lot buddy! <3

General:

-despite what everyone thinks, he is KINDA ASS at cooking 

-he doesn’t burn things (often) and knows how to sorta use spices and seasonings, but he is no 5 star chef 

-(probably isnt even 3 star)

-sometimes neglects his own hygiene, just isn’t that important to him with all of the things he has to do

-definitely reminds others to take care of themselves, though

-not disgusting by any means but perchance a little smelly here and there

-gets really embarrassed when he realizes how long its been since he’s gotten clean

-if this were the modern era he would for sure use 3-n-1 (sorry guys… its more efficient hes a busy man..)

-pine or a woodsy scent :)

-ROUUGGHHH hands i dont even think this is a hc this is CANON

-could sand wood with them thangs 

-cried when he got his ears pierced, he doesnt know why it just gave him the urge to cry :(

-loves animals, he listens very closely whenever Mitsuri is gushing about her cats

MORE MODERN ERA HCS:

-cleanest desktop ever. so organized

-dont even get me started on his files

-he might not know a lot about technology but he knows how to keep it clean

-doesn’t download anything, just pictures of his family and friends

-lock screen would be a landscape, maybe a river or mountains

-main screen is for sure a picture of at least him and nezuko if not the whole squad

-doesn’t know how to download things on mobile 😭just took a screenshot of something he liked and set his wallpaper to it (credit to my wife kell for this one love u bby)

-definitely an android user, probably a samsung galaxy

-none of his contacts have pictures, he doesn’t know how to set them

-dry texter do i even need to say this

-isnt much of a music guy

-he wouldnt even know where to look to find music

-not that he doesnt like it, he just rarely listens on his own

Platonic: (like best friends)

-finds little things on his outings that reminds him of you

-sometimes he loses them and doesn’t realize until he’s back, and gets really sad

-always gives them to you when he doesn’t! it makes him really happy to see how much you like whatever it is he gave you

-he loves you like family and will treat you as such

-sometimes overbearing with his care but he means well

-crazy protective like how he is with all of his family (and friends for that matter)

-wouldn’t be the same if you died, for any reason

-there would definitely be a mental scar forever if he lost you

-always surprises him when you reciprocate any kind of love or care towards him, he just isnt used to it

-appreciates it a LOT though

-if you have longer hair he would definitely try and style it for you (disguises it as practice for nezuko’s hair but really he just thinks your current style is atrocious)

-if you have shorter hair, hes clueless. completely clueless

-no idea what to do so just brushes it and maybe puts in a cute little hair clip (GIGGLING TO MYSELF RN ANYWAYSSS)

-someone give me more ideas for this im OPEN TO ANYTHING i will do a part two if needed

ROMANTICALL:

-an old fashioned man (its literally the 1920s cmon)

-in addition to the things he finds to give you, he also buys you a lot of things

-doesnt care if you protest, he loves you so you have to accept it!

-very shy with affection at first, almost uncharacteristically 

-slow progression, doesn’t even kiss you until around 4 months in

-sometimes this makes you feel unloved, if you bring it up he’ll immediately apologize and try to reassure you, and explains hes not used to loving someone physically

-after this talk he does start doing little touches

-grabbing your shoulder, your hand, brushing your hair behind your ear, cute stuff like that!

-simple pet names nothing over the top

-honey, dear, baby, and maybe a cute personalized one :) (like something about your personality or an inside joke)

-uses your crow to find out what kind of dates you would like the best, and what to wear to said dates

-picture a cheesy 2000s movie getting ready scene like with the changing room and the peoples reactions but its tanjiro and your crow (ALSO CREDIT TO KELL FOR THIS MY LITTLE HELPER)

-goes over the top on holidays, especially because he probably doesnt get to actually enjoy very many holidays

-valentines day god. 

-gets really giddy when he sees you interacting with nezuko, something inside of him warms up (he definitely gets more cuddly after this)

-once he’s fully used to loving you, BE PREPARED.

-every love language ever

-mainly gift giving, words of affection, and physical touch

-not too big on pda but hes not completely against it

-he prefers to have private moments, your love is between him and you <3

-hand holding, hugging, kissing, he’ll do that stuff almost anywhere, but in small amounts

-behind closed doors.. hes a beast. 

-cuddling EVERY NIGHT HE CAN. loves being close to you and knowing you’re safe with him to protect you (he knows you’re strong and can fight anything off, it just gives him peace of mind)

[deathbxnny]

hello!! may i request stelerron hunters with a teen!vampire reader? (reader around 14-16)

basically elio picked them up from a deserted planet, and they were the sole survivor on it,all of the population died due to lack of livestock, and elio found them alive, thirsty and hungry

though they dont have much problem eating or drinking their enemies, they will never hurt their teammates even if they saw them with scars/blood, and would hold themselves, sometimes even bite on their arm/wrist/hand so that they dont succumb to their thirst

-----♡

A/N: Ooh, I really like the idea! Kinda reminds me of "Seraph of the end" (I've been waiting on season 3 for years now and am losing hope-)! Thank you for the request and sorry for the wait!<33

Content: TW!Slight gore warning? (Just mentions, nothing descriptive), Platonic relationships, mentions of blood, mentions of battles/fights, Reader is a Teen and a vampire, questionable cannibalism?? (Idk if it counts-), angst if you squint, fluff

Reader has no set pronouns!

((Not fully proofread))

-----♡

》Kafka

Kafka was instantly intrigued by you. She found it interesting, that your kind could only live off of blood, although she did also feel bad for your people. You were the only one to survive and thankfully strong enough to help the organisation out, which is why she was assigned to be your caretaker.

At first, she assumed that you'd drink anyone's blood indiscriminately, as your thirst and hunger was too strong to resist. The way you tore into your enemies for their blood was proof enough. It was a brutal, yet somewhat satisfying sight for Kafka, who already found it amusing, that a young kid like you could do so much harm.

But what she didn't expect, was your loyalty to her. The first time she got injured around you, you immideatly bit into your arm to stop yourself from succumbing to your urges. This surprised her greatly, but also caused her to appreciate you more. It also made her realise that she was wrong. You weren't just a mindless, blood drinking vampire after all.

-----♡

》Blade

Blade didn't think much of you at first. A creature that had to drink blood in order to survive was pathetic in his eyes. But seeing you in such a sad and lonely state made him begrudgingly accept to become your caretaker then. Besides, if you ever dared bite him, nothing would happen to him anyways.

With that said, he certainly trained you well for the battlefield. He wanted you to become strong and useful, a perfect weapon for the organisation. But he was much softer on you than he admitted to be. Every time you did well and satisfied your hunger during a battle against enemies, he'd nod his head and pat your head in acknowledgement.

He was surprised however, when you refused to succumb to your urges and bite him too. It took him aback, as he viewed it as a sign or respect and loyalty towards him he didn't know how to handle. And so he quietly thanked you by supplying you with more enemies to drink from.

-----♡

》Silver Wolf

Silver Wolf didn't really care that you were a vampire. In fact, she didn't bother questioning it and just casually took you in. Whether it was because she found you cool or because she actually felt bad, is something you'll never find out either.

Whatever the reason was, she definitely took good care of you and fed you well at that. You kept her safe whenever you were in highstake situations and enemies were closing in on you. She always counted on you covering her whilst she continued working, as it gave you the perfect opportunity to drink your fill.

She also always somehow knew, that you'd never dare attack her. She always made sure you drank enough to satiate your hunger and so she wasn't worried, when she got injured infront of you. You controlled yourself well and respected her enough not to dare it. And Silver Wolf definitely appreciated you for it.

-----♡

A/N: Alright, i hope this was okay! Thank you again for the request!<33

[seumyo]

OMGGG CONGRATS ON 1K EUMY MY LOVE!!! im beyond words that describe happy for u ur such a sweetheart u deserve it sm<3 I SAW THE SCRAPBOOKS POST AND ID LOVE A SHOTO TODOROKI ONE!!!! 💗

im an enfp so im a loud extrovert, and i try to make sure ppl dont feel awkward or embarrassed around me bc im 10x worse HAHA 😭 i have insane attachment issues like i was crying so hard when my friend ignored me for a day. big lover with big emotions, hopefully that counts as an emotional intelligent person hehe<3

i am also a complete art kid and i never stop drawing, im also in choir and stage band so im basically all of the above (except sports. does watching haikyuu count?🤔) HAHAHAHA

id love a little description about our dynamic or something!!🥹 and be free w ur colour palette and do what u think deems best 🗣️!!! a song would be velvet ring by big thief, one of my favs rn<3

THANK USM EUMY UR THE SWEETEST AND ONCE AGAIN CONGRATUALTIONS ON THAT DESERVED 1K!!!

ᯓ★ SHOTO + SAKU!

★ Todoroki Shouto hated did not like you at first. The first time you two met in U.A., not once did he glance in your direction. Don’t take it too personally, he’s battling inner turmoil stemming from his complicated family life and upbringing.

★ Skipping to when he does warm up to the rest of the class, he still keeps his distance from them as he tries to test the waters. Now, you, dear Saku, are the first to invite him to have lunch together via the crumpled paper you left on his desk during free period (he almost threw it in the trash, but he telephatically felt your distress thought it might contain something important, so he decided to read it). He accepts, of course.

★ Lunch together was awkward, but Todoroki appreciates your effort to fill in his shortcomings in the conversation. So to say, he just listens to you while you ramble about anything and everything.

★ When he gets home that night, he definitely tells Fuyumi that someone invited him to eat together at lunch, and that it was nice. He doesn’t realize that he kept your note neatly folded in his wallet.

★ Do you know the concept of personal space? Todoroki does not. Whenever you’re doing something, whether it’s doodling or writing notes, he will peer over and check whatever it is that you’re doing. Completely unaware that he, too, has attachment issues (trust).

★ “Am I too close? I’m sorry, I didn’t notice.” And you guys were inches from kissing each other!

★ Romantically, it takes him a long time to understand that what he was feeling is clearly not platonic anymore. But when he does realize thus, he skips the steps in his head and wants to spend the rest of his days with you (you’re not even dating yet, and he’s already thinking of the future ten years later). Todoroki’s hesitant to engage in a romantic relationship because he thinks that you deserve someone who wouldn’t hesitate to court you and love you openly (he’s worried that he’ll end up like his father).

★ The initial dynamic is someone who talks a lot and the other listens (with the most lovestruck eyes yet still unnoticeable). When you do get into a relationship, he’ll still treat you just like when you were friends, but with a bit more effort to show you how much he cares. Acts of service & Quality Time are his love languages. This man is your ride-or-die forever and would go through lengths just to spend time with you (cue to Todoroki just appearing by your side whenever you’re not busy).

★ Whenever Todoroki talks to other people, it’ll always be, “Oh, where are Saku and the others?” You will always be the first person that comes out of his mouth, an unconscious habit of his.

★ Matching bag charms, candid photos (of him, mostly), handwritten notes that are passed to each other during class, enjoying each other’s company even if you two are just walking to the cafeteria together or him waiting for you to tie your shoelaces (he does them himself further into the relationship), finding out that Todoroki kept most of the things you gave him (especially your little notes and doodles), and the tips of his ears turn a bit reddish whenever he’s flustered—and you’re the only one to notice because it only happens when he’s with you.

[clits-and-clips]

Hey…as someone who has been in a similar position I truly believe you have to give it time and sad to say…cease contact for while. I know dude…it seems impossible it seems scary probably gut wrenching, but your health comes first. If you’re worried about time honestly fuck time. Everyone heals in their own way not everyone bounces back immediately. Not everyone handles situations the same and that’s okay.

You don’t even have to go cold turkey on communication. I always say to myself work with the issues instead of against it. Slowly kind of weening off also is a valid option.

I know the fact that it feels like it’s hurting you more than him and yeah that shit stings man. But again you have to take care of yourself. Even if you’re shitting crying and shaking it will become more bearable. Yes you will have these days and again THATS OKAY!! Regressing is part of the process of healing just try your hardest not to dwell and stay active.

It took me almost a year or two to get over that bond I had with my ex, attachment as well. Even though the thought of him moving on still kinda makes me feel a way, but I’ve realized it’s more so I’m afraid of being left behind stuck in the same place while possibly he flourishes in life. There are differences in our situation so I can only speak so much, but a lot of what you’re going through emotionally wise I get it man.

Like rn it’s hard for me to be social and have relationships with people because I’m scared honestly lol. Even platonically. At this point, I’m just taking this time to get to know myself and pay more attention to my hobbies. I’m also trying to force myself to do more things alone and volunteer places like community gardens and pantries. I’m not even there to make connection with people. if I do, cool, but It’s more so exposure therapy for me lol.

You got this man. Always give yourself, patience, grace and kindness. That’s my mantra lately lol.

I know I’m just a stranger but I do care. I don’t ever want anyone to feel this way.

Stay well and busy chief 🫡

Not talking to him at all has been difficult and I haven't managed to do it except for one day so far. I've been going up and down so much and just cannot accept that it's over. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I never thought we would ever break up so it's fucking hard. I do worry if I dont give him space and stop messaging that I'm going to push him away tho. The only way to stop that from happening is to focus on me which I'm trying so so hard to do, but none of it seems worth it which I've said before. I feel stupid cause I've said all of this before and I can't stop going on a loop at this point.

I appreciate the message and I will try and keep it in mind. I know I'll move on eventually but right now it's not what i want. All I think about is mending it and being with him again but I think its hurting me more than I'd like to admit. No matter how many times people and family tell me I need to accept it I just can't. And I know it takes effort to focus on the good and time and space to make it happen but I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have no friends to hang out with to take my mind off it, no job to go to every day, and as much as I'd like to get a job I have struggled so hard with my anxiety it just seems impossible. Anyway thank you again I appreciate it♡♡

[thequietkid-moonie]

Being part of the Warriors of Hope

[ PLATONIC HEADCANONS ] [ Kotoko, Monaca, Masuru, Jataro, Nagisa ]

[ Danganronpa Ultra Despair Girls ]

⚠️ This contain a little bit of spoilers

You know, being part of the WOH and being their friend ❤️

Kotoko Utsugi

If you're a girl (a related gender or even GN) she will drag you to do girly things whit her. But if you're a more femenine boy she will tease you for that, making some jokes about it, but with time she will stop, she just need time to trust you

But if you dont like girly stuff it will be more dificult for her to be your friend, maybe just sharing some jokes or hunting demons together

Definitely, being her friend will include going and doing everything together, both of you will always going to dress up, play around, make fun of the demons, talking about how cute Monaca is, u know the normal thing

Maybe even she will perform with you! Something from when she was the ultimate lil drama (but we dont talk about it). And you will have the honor to join her, changing the scene for something more funny!

Sometimes both of you will share chats about your pasts, she will tell you about her father and mother (but she will act like she don't care), and you will share your own story, to finish talking about how incredible is the paradise in which you are working on.

Masuru Daimon

Both of you will go hunting demons together! (if you actually do he will be really happy). Will make this a competition to see who hunts the most demons (whoever win will probably end making fun of the other haha)

He is always saying that he is the leader of the Warriors of Hope, but if you actually tell him that he is (even if you are just joking or to tease him) he will be flustered and proud scratching his head saying "awhh, shucks!"

He is always up to play and will force you! You better get ready to keep up with him, he is not going to slow down! And, of course, he's going to make everything a competition.

He will say that his robot is better than yours, obviously he has the best, he is the leader after all! Probably you're going to go around the city with your robots (mostly to show off, he loves to show off)

I don't think he stops to talk about his past, he prefers to talk about how amazing he is and how many demons he has hunted

Jataro Kemuri

You want to spent time with him? Thats weird

At first he will think that you're going to make fun of him (he thinks everyone hates him), but if you show real interest in him he will be so confused! Don't you hate it? Why?

It took a while to acept that you want to be his friend, but after all you've been through (all the thing with Junko, killing their parents and becoming the Warriors of Hope) will trust you, at least a little.

You will be the first he show his art, maybe even invite you to make some art with him. Hunting demons together for their next artwork too!

If you call him weirdo or creepy he will think you hate him again, it will be even worst since you're (probably) the only person how he really see as a friend

It doesn't matter what, you won't get him to take out his mask, he just doesn't want your eyes to melt!

Maybe he doesn't understand why you are his friend, but he appreciates it

Nagisa Shingetsu

He just expect you to do your part of the work, all of you still have a long way to build your paradise for children!

Even if you are his friend he will remain serious, he still have a big responsability (also he just want to please Monaca). But you will be able to make him take a rest and relax, maybe even play a little or going to hunt demons together!

When you invite him over to go demon hunting, to play or just hang out in general he will get a little flustered and will accept shyly, he is not used to be treated like a kid (even if he is) he is new in all of this

Also, if you praise him for his plans (or just for how smart he is) he will bush and be so flustered (he's not used to recive genuine cumpliments!)

It would be common for both of you to talk about your past, but most about the paradise you're working on

Monaca Towa

To be honest, at first she will see you just as someone who can use for her plans. If you truly manage to become her friend I dont think it will be to much change.

A bit of favoritism here and there, wanting to truly hang out with you, maybe you push her chair around (just for fun)

Even if the others notice that she treat you a little better no one will say anything, she will start crying and no one wants to upset Monaca! (she will take advantage of that, even against you)

Probably you two will hang out with Kurokuma, even if she says he's annoying.

There's a chance you could see a little more of her true colors, but not too much, she still need to be seen as the sweet girl

If you discover her plans she not going to hesitant to do something against you, even if your her friend her plans is more important. But if the case is that you support it thats another story

[yesimwriting]

Hi! I have been having an off day I’m kinda exhausted and anxious slightly snappy haha. I was wondering how would the darkling react to an anxious reader that he cares about. 😊

a/n ive been a little MIA but im working i promise!! i felt really apathetic about writing for awhile bc of some personal stuff but ive been trying to get back into it bc im genuinely happier when i write :)

--

- ok so i think how he reacts to an anxious person that he cares about depends on where you're at in the relationship,, which might be kinda a 'duh' but it needs to be said for how im setting this up lol

- bc if he's kinda just starting to figure out his feelings, i think he'd be so surprised by how much he cares that he has to hold back his immediate reactions, bc he may have his faults but he's def protective once he realizes something is affecting/hurting the person he sees as the sun

- that protectiveness stems from wanting to be what makes you happy, he wants to feel like he's your shelter so that he feels like he's good enough for you. He wants you to be happy so he can feel your warmth but he also really wants the redemptive feeling that comes from knowing that he's your protector in a way.

- he wants to protect and make you happy so bad, sometimes you need to be like 'umm...i really appreciate that you want to torture the person that bumped into me a little too hard on a bad day,, but maybe let's not??' especially if you are still in that phase where he kinda scares/intimidates you bc you know him more as the General

- not only are his more over the top reactions a little scary bc you don't want to offend him by not wanting to talk about it to avoid blowing the situation up,, they're also confusing

- bc you had no idea he cared if you lived or died let alone cared if you were nervous or not?? but sometimes it makes you feel really comforted, bc if someone as hardened as the darkling can care that much about how youre feeling than you can't be as awful as you're feeling

- and it's also comforting bc he's clearly strong and powerful and when he puts a hand on your shoulder and stares at you like you're the only tangible thing in the world and telling you that he's not going to let anything happen to you,, the rational part of your anxiety is appeased to say the least.

- alright but that's at like the first stage of the relationship for him, bc i feel like he def has like twenty stages he goes through before finally being in a committed relationship bc even though he wants an attachment and love so badly bc he hates his eternal loneliness, he has a lot of layers to work through before he feels secure enough in you as a person to risk vulnerability

- so if he's at the point where he's accepted what he feels for you,, but has yet to really act on it, this is where he starts to give himself away a little

- like you'll mention being stressed about training in the Little Palace, or not getting along with someone and he immediately jumps to encouraging you. It's kinda funny bc at first he seems like he's just trying to be a supportive pal bc at this point ur sorta friendly (at least more friendly than anyone else is with the darkling) but then he kinda losses himself in talking about how amazing you are.

- and if youre feeling anxiety/bad bc of someone in particular, you better not mention their name unless you're 100 percent sure you're furious at them.

- sometimes it causes some strain bc you don't necessarily want him to get involved, and he's not above lowkey guilting you into telling him the full story, but it's not really intentional. He just starts talking about how much trust he puts in you and you just let the little things go after making him promise to leave things alone.

- if your anxiety is general,, or just bc of a. bunch of little things and he's at a point in which he's accepted how much he cares about you but has not told you yet,, he'll try to hide how soft he feels, but sometimes he slips up.

- honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if a really big relationship milestone came from that.

- like you crying one night and the darkling finding you, and then him taking you back to your room and promising to stay so that you don't have to feel alone and then the next morning you wake up and he's holding you

- at first ur like ?? but he acts so normal you're like maybe that can be platonic? but then it starts happening more and more and neither of you mention it and then when you two finally do get together youre like 'ohh? im stupid'

- and if your anxiety comes from your worry about him?? wow--he'll have to stop himself from kissing you

- this is a man who is so used to being hated/feared that the concept of someone worrying about him so much they physically don't feel well?? that would hit him STRAIGHT in the chest, and he'd be so quick to pull you to him, and then you'd be like--are you ok??

- wouldn't be surprised if that's how you found out he had feelings for you,, like he'd say something like "i didnt know the brightest star in the sky could want to protect the darkness instead of banish it. You're the brightest light I've ever known, it was more than enough for me that you weren't repulsed by my darkness...and now..."

- anyways,, if you were already established together and you were anxious, he would have no need to hold back

- if he notices your hesitant to let him 'help' he might do a thing or two to reduce sources of your stress without telling you...which sometimes leads to you getting a little mad, but depending on how extreme his actions were, he normally smoothes it over quickly

- i mean,, it's just how he shows that he cares, he's never had someone that could snap their fingers and get rid of his adversaries or reschedule a thing or two to make his life easier

- he sees no harm in it,, and even though sometimes other people may give you a bit of a hard time bc of his evident favoritism,, you know it just means he cares

- if he goes really far, you're more willing to be mad at him, but honestly when youre upset all you want is to be near him bc there's nothing more comforting,, so you agree to hold off on arguing lol

- i mean there are always lines that get crossed, so there are times he cant charm himself out of your anger, but the longer youre together the more he tries to hold off on doing things that make you really angry,, unless he feels like the person really hurt you, then nothing can stop his anger

- if youre actually together he's much more quick to comfort you physically if youre feeling really anxious,, he'll kiss you everywhere until he's all you can think about, which works for when your anxious over small things

- if your problem is larger, he cant exactly kiss it away though i cant say that doesnt help but it's still comforting and relaxing bc duh,, so i feel like he's really touchy if youre upset

- kissing sometimes leads to other stuff,, but that should be its own fic/headcanon bc i have a secret head cannon that feeling needed or like the only one his partner has is a turn on for him bc it returns some of the power he feels like he gives up by letting his partner care about him

- might have to write that fic now that im thinking about it....

- if youre so anxious you dont want to be touched, it'll be a little harder for him, but if he reaches for you and you back away he'll try to talk you down and remind you that he's not going to let anything happen and as long as he's breathing he'll make sure you're okay

- if youre officially together and youre anxious about something small, he's actually surprisingly nice to talk to,, before you were close you felt like you were bothering him with small, insignificant things,, but once you know that he cares about you he's a patient listener bc he likes being really present with you when he can bc he's busy so often

- sometimes if youre worried or upset he jumps to anger towards the object of your distress before comfort, but once youre at the dating part, you know that that's just how he is, and anger is how he shows love in a way?? lol, so you just have to clearly tell him that you'd rather him stay with you then rush out and like smite someone, he'll stop and comfort you

- sometimes how much he cares makes him angry at himself bc he begins to question if he'd pick you/your happiness over his goal, if he can't convince himself that you'd never get in the way of that, he gets a little cold until he feels assured in his loyalties or at least assured in the fact that your happiness would never conflict with his goals

- that can happen at any point in your relationship,, i feel like it'd happen more when he's unsure about his feelings bc seeing how much he cares about someone that's nothing to him makes him want to banish his nerves

- overall though,, once he cares about you, whether he's fully accepted it or not, he'd burn the world down to make you feel okay again,, or stay in bed with you for awhile, or both--whatever you want, really

[deleteddewewted]

Incel!Shinsou Oneshot: "Why are you acting like that?”

To keep busy I just thought that a oneshot of Shinsou getting self conscious/needy would be cute since we already have his redemption arc rolling in. The next part of the Incel!Shinsou series (Part 3) will have him proving his worth at the Sports Festival. So in thinking of how he will prove himself to you I thought of how will all of those people affect him, especially you. ( This oneshot takes place pre changes, so Shinsou is still his disgusting self but he's figuring out how to woo a woman, especially of your caliber.)

Incel!Shinsou Series:

Part 1: Incel! Shinsou x F!Reader

Part 2: Incel! Shinsou x F!Reader

Incel!Shinsou Headcanons

"I know what you're doin' here. Made your intentions clear. Oh you, you terrible thing, you. Terrible thing, you. Terrible thing, you. Beautiful thing"

TW: Strong Language, Mild Sexism

People were never an obstacle when it came to the things Shinsou wanted. He’s aware that others would do anything for him if he played his cards right. The right words with the right question did wonders for him. So why the fuck couldn’t he have what he wanted when it came to you? You drove him up the wall with the kindness you showed him. He didn’t deserve it and you’re existence almost felt like a punishment from whatever deity that existed out there to make him suffer. You guys were suppose to be studying for your upcoming project that required a poster, a slide show, and one influential person that would help prove your projects point. You left him running circles within his own mind as to how you were so willing to challenge him. He wanted you to obey him not see through his bullshit. It wasn’t like you didn’t listen to him vent, or didn't give him attention, but he wanted to hold you under his control. To be the person you listened to.

In class you where both seated on the extreme ends of the room on opposite sides. You never realized this (you do), but his head would periodically turn towards your direction to look at you, to figure you out (liar). This time, you managed to catch him do it.

“What are you doing?” You asked plainly. You honestly didn’t care that he was staring, everyone does when you dress like you're attending an MCR concert in the middle of autumn.

“You look different....today.”

“Nice.” It was difficult to care. Shinsou was just some guy in your class that you had to deal with. Nothing special really....ok, maybe it wasn’t fully true. You didn’t really know him all that well or anything (Unless it was mocking and belittling everything you did, that was normal behavior for him so it wasn’t surprising to find out he was like that outside of campus.) but he wasn’t all that bad? If he cared for himself a bit more, hygiene wise he would be considered handsome or at least a competent human being (you weren't going to call him a man, men don't act this childish. At least the ones you knew.) Maybe then you would take his opinion seriously, but for now you’ll ignore his...interesting comments he's been throwing towards you today.

“It’s rude to ignore someone when their talking to you, you know?” The neutral face he had now possessed a frown and a furrow to his brows. You still couldn’t process how he took the time to make sure his hair stayed purple but didn’t care for his body odor. (This man dyes his hair purple yet cant bother to shower or use deodorant for once in his life.)

“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just not interested in anything you have to say.” With that you get up and take your things and leave. There was no point in wasting time on someone who couldn’t even look at you directly and had to also sneak glances at you. "Do I really look that unbearable?" you thought to yourself. In the end you didn’t care anymore, everyone was entitled to an opinion and the last thing you need is feeling self conscious because of your out of place classmate.

Shinsou was fuming. How the fuck did you just get up and leave his ass while he was trying to complement you. You should have been more appreciative that he was giving you his attention for once. A bitch like you wasn't even worth it so he doesn't understand why he even tried with you.

He never goes directly home after school but instead to the local theater. It was one of the few places where he could be around others and could genuinely be himself. It was weird, he didn't feel like himself when he was speaking with his "friends", friends that he's never spoken to verbally, never seen, and never would meet. He knew that he didn't deserve this, to have a safe haven when he acts like an ass, yet here he was.

"Good morning Shinsou! How are you? Are you ready for rehearsals? You did remember to read your lines, right?" Shinsou rolls his eyes at his theater mates antics. Monoma never seems to stop but he does know when to tone it down and when it comes to Shinsou he tones it down a bit. (Because Monoma is canonically considerate of others, look back the Sports Festival and the Joint Training Arc.)

"Im good man, yes i did read and memorized the script, dont worry about it." What an odd friendship, the most chaotic gentleman like man out the bunch with the quietist incel in the group. Shinsou should have seen it coming when he was adopted by Monoma but he's running on 2 to 4 hours of sleep so he doesn't really care.

Believe it or not Shinsou does take showers (only for theater) but very quickly and with no care (no shampoo or soap, fucking why man.) Theater means more to him and so making his character look the best they possible can was his first and foremost priority. He puts on his costume, gets to makeup (the minimum, because it's "gay" for him to wear makeup and since the world is unfair and cruel he has perfect skin for a greasy headed asshole.)

"Everyone get a move on! Kodai, Tsuburaba, and Awase! Go to stage left! Light techs, how's it up there?" One of the tech heads shouted out. Shinsou and Monoma got to their positions on the stage and the rehearsals began.

Love, the play was about love. Love that wasn't rejected but also not accepted. He didn't understand the concept fully. Was it romantic? Platonic? Familiar? Admiration? He loved his dad, but he mostly admired him. He worked long hours and middle resents him for not being there for him, yet he realizes that his dad works to give him the world, a home with all the things he wanted. He never had a mother so he never had parental or familiar, again his dad was there but he wanted a parent that would hold him when he came back from school everyday. He didn't have a girlfriend, so he doesn't know romantic. So far all of his characters where villains, or evil in some way. He was starting to get sick of them. Shinsou wanted something more, wanted to play a character that wasn't how everyone saw him as on his day to day life. He wanted a challenge, he wanted....affection. Just to show it. He wanted attraction. Just to abuse it. He wanted...love. To just...maybe...feel...enjoy...understand it.

"You terrible thing you. My love, you're so cold. You've left me hanging on every one of your words. You've made me loose my self, lose my self-control because of you!" He pours everything into his performance, his loneliness, his regrets, his experience. He's been told by his co-performers and directors that he has a great future in the arts, in theater. If he just took care of himself more he would be an amazing actor, not only incredibly talented but also attractive. He would have the world kneeling, bowing to him just from his words alone. He could have anything he wanted just because of his existence.

" You've made me do things i don't want to do...for you." Kodai stands there looking horrified. He's covered in blood, the blood of her lover, the one she left him for.

"No, i-i didn't-"

"YOU MADE ME-MADE DO THIS FOR YOU! You terrible, terrible, terrible thing! You beautiful thing, I've done this for you!...and you still cant and won't love me." He doesn't see Kodai anymore. It's not her face he sees, nor her voice that he hears.

Its you...its your voice. You. You looking back at him while he slowly lowered himself to kneel and crawl towards you. It's you who backs away from him as he starts to cry and hiccup.

"You wreck me, you made me. You leave me in your wake, please let me go!" He sees you and feels you grabbing his wrists back, pushing him into himself.

"Don't you ever let me go...."

You terrible beautiful thing, you.

And here we are again. This was a lot fun to write since it feels more concrete when it comes towards his personality and his full thought process. In many cases people like Shinsou just want attention or some sense of validation, which there is nothing wrong with wanting those things but it's more about the manner you go about it. You shouldn't pressure or force others to spend time with you, but there is always someone out there that will like to give you those things.

Tag list: @blossominglark

[aethxr-ash]

heyy, it's me again !! I would like to request a genshin personality matchup, if it's possible :) my pronouns are she/he and I don't mind the gender of the characters !! sorry for any spelling mistakes, english is not my first language (･ัω･ั)

I consider myself an ambivert, but I'm kinda shy and anxious with new people. I do most things by impulse and I regret not thinking more deeply before doing it ( ；∀；) I really like to chat and, when I'm feeling more confident, I like to start the conversation !! I like to learn new things, and I appreciate very much when someone teaches me something I'm not familiar with :)

A bad thing about me is that most time I procrastinate and leave things for the last minute … I am a little dependent of people, but I'm learning to change that !! I'm very critical about myself, about the things I do and say,, but I'm learning to be more kind with myself :)

I am a virgo sun & moon, taurus rising and ENFP, if that helps :?

I really like cats !! I like to draw, even tho I don't consider myself really good at it,, listen to music, watch long videos and spend time with my friends (*´ω｀*) I like to explore new places and experiment new things !! I dislike loud sounds, most of the time, and I don't like insects,, I'm kinda afraid of them … I really don't like people who are ignorant about others feelings and rude for no reason

I think my love language is quality time and words of affirmation !! I love to spend time with people, knowing my presence causes any type of good feeling for them, and I appreciate when people reassure me, when I'm feeling insecure :)

I look for someone who, principally, can be my friend !! I am more fond of platonic relationships, so romantic ones are kind of new to me and somewhat overwhelming (´ . .̫ . `) Someone I can spend time with, but can respect that sometimes I wish to be left alone too. Someone who I can talk about anything !! Something that happened in our day, new things we learn, about our feelings and past, when something is bothering us, etcetera. Someone who can take care and protect me but can accept when I want to be the one doing it :) Like I said before, I'm kinda shy and anxious, so I would like someone who can make me come of my shell when needed ⁽⁽ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ⁾⁾

I think that's it, sorry if I make it too big (･ัω･ั) And have a good morning / day / night !! (*˘︶˘*).｡*♡

⊱┊personality matchup for anon !

hi! thank you for requesting ^^ also dont worry about your english!! it's better than mine and its basically my first language (/g). i hope you enjoy your matchup!!

⊱┊ genshin impact

kamisato ayaka !

✧ enfp meets infj

✧ you two were definitely friends before the relationship, that's how she likes to start her romantic relationships as well

✧ she never judges you for anything, and will always reassure you

✧ she likes to take you to quiet spots in the forest for dates

✧ she'll teach you how to dance if you'd like

✧ brings you around inazuma and to meetings

✧ although due to her job you can't hang out with each other 24/7

✧ makes sure to set time aside in the evenings just to relax and unwind with you 

✧ calls you "love", "darling", "butterfly", "flower", and "starlight" <3

[kaichan24]

Unpopular opinions of Yuri on Ice

I think Yuri's gay, no bisexual. 

I don't ship otabek/yurio. i dont know why, but i just cant really see any chemistry between them other than friendship 

I also don't really ship Sara/Mila, mainly because there isn't a base for that.

I don't think  Victor is impulsive . I realise this is down to interpretation BUT. He seems to me the type of character who meditates his decisions in depth, only he doesn't discuss them with anyone, On the other hand, Yuri is definitely impulsive.

Viktor definitely knows how to cook, he has lived alone for a long time, so he knows how to take care of himself,

I hate it when people present Viktor as a stupid blonde, he's a genius, he's smart and creative.

Viktor does not seem as close to Chris as many believe.

Phichit and Yuri  have a completely platonic relationship.

I don't actually think Victor is that close to the other skaters, beyond distant kindness, Especially the Russian skaters, they don't seem to have minded that Victor left.

I don't think Yakov is a good father figure, Viktor definitely respects him and thinks he is the best coach, and maybe he would like to have a deeper relationship with him, but Yakov doesn't seem to be on the same page. I kind of always thought that Victor was way closer to Yakov than Yakov to him, 

I don't like how a lot of people think that Viktor should be Yurio's coach, because firstly Viktor never showed interest in being his coach, secondly, Yurio has Yakov and Lilia, and I don't think he is interested in changing coach at the moment, thirdly, Yurio does not seem to be interested in Viktor's advice and leadership, fourthly, they have a complicated relationship that would be difficult to manage in a professional relationship. and finally Viktor owes Yurio nothing.

I don't like it when people imply that yuri loses and gains weight all the time, this is not healthy or safe for a figure skater, because it will affect his center of balance and make him fall in his jumps, and seeing how Yuri is A perfectionist, I don't think he's going to risk that.

I don't think Victor is a playboy, the only reason I think he had previous relationships is because he mentioned it directly, but I don't think he had many, maybe two or three at most, so I can accept that he can be a virgin. on the other hand, even though I think Yuri is definitely a virgin, I don't like it when people imply that he doesn't know anything about sex, he is smart and lived five years in the United States, he definitely knows more about how sex works than Viktor.

Phichit and Yuri didn't go to many  parties in Detroit, as they were trying to advance their careers and did not want to jeopardize their images before their respective federations showing alcohol abuse and inappropriate behavior.

I think that Yurio's growth as a character was not well developed in the show, he needs to learn to be a more respectful competitor,  Also, Yurio already won everything and he needs to learn some humility. So I hope his next arc is about how he deals with not winning.

when Yuri retires viktor will be a choreographer and not a coach. It is not that he is a bad coach, but I think he will appreciate more the flexibility of being a choreographer, besides that this will allow him to help more skaters, than being a coach.

After Viktor retires, he and Yuri will live in Hasetsu permanently.

Minako's role in Yuri's life is greatly underrated.

Yuri's dance ability is underrated, he is definitely better than all other skaters.

[moonlightchn]

~WHOLESOME WEDNESDAY~

Not to be a soft motherfucker but I've been wanting to do this again for a week now so I guessed I would try my best to fit as many of my thoughts here as I can without being annoying or tumblr fucking up plz bear with me heh but we know none of those are actually possible anyway so THERES THAT also this is fucking long wow ANYWAY

WARNING WORD VOMIT sjsjsjsj I dont even know what i wrote I'm sorry but I'm tagging yall anyway

Some of you I speak to on a daily basis, yknow? Like,, as admin. And its fucking insane because like- I don't know but like isn't it insane? sjajsjsj How fast some people come to grow in your heart and get under your skin and become so important for you. I think it's crazy. That in four months or so I've made more friends in here that in my whole life and I've learned so much about life and myself and I've gotten marked and some of you imprinted on my mind and heart forever. And like HELL I wasn't here when most big dramas happened but I was here for two very big ones and like??? idk it feels like all of us have been through shared crises and somehow grown closer sjajskwjs idk I'm weird and im sensitive today and I just feel like wow what would I be doing without all of you right now? probably studying. or scrolling Twitter in which I never spoke to anyone. or watching Instagram stories and getting sad over how all my ex class partners are still in contact and hang out and keep strong relationships while I just sit here. like, I know we all say this place sucks and we hate it and its toxic and don't get me wrong of course some people is fucking shitty and they take a toll on a lot of others but that like... it also happens in real life yknow?? but like in real life how many people do you think would actually idk sit with you through a panic attack or stay up with you till 8am or wake up in the middle of the night or rave with you or hype you up or have meme wars or send you daily jokes or just randomly tell you how much you mean to them or make posts asking where you are when you disappear or been gone for too long or make people that doesnt know you send you birthday wishes? like I'm not saying it doesnt happen but isnt it wonderful that it happens HERE with US where maybe out of 10 people only 2 know each other in real life? Isnt it wonderful that we're from all around the world? that you half of the time dont realize someone isnt from English speaking places because they're too good or even when they're not that good no one judges you because this is such an inclusive and wonderful place for people of all races and colors and sexualities and nationalities and body types and hair colors?

idk I'm just RAMBLING but like I wanted to let everyone know that even if we dont speak, even if we NEVER spoke, even if we're only on each others tag lists, or even if I was and you took me off or I took you off or if you deleted or if you have 817383 bots and you speak to me in all of them or only one or whatever PLEASE just know that I love you so much and I appreciate you and you're awesome and if you made some mistakes know that you CAN fix them you CAN learn and be better you CAN grow.

I believe that everyone is capable of learning and changing and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they genuinely show the intention of changing and bettering themselves. I believe that we're capable of forgiving and maintaining healthy relationships without hard feelings. I believe we all have goodness. I believe we all are small universes and we have stars in our eyes and supernovas in our brains and a million things to discover and I believe its funnier to be together than alone and I'm rambling again but like idk just yesterday I was sending someone a message telling them how maybe I'm fucking delusional and naive because who the fuck goes out on their daily saying "be skeptical. dont trust too much. always pay attention" but then after two days of talking with someone they're fucking platonically whipped and would sell their soul as long as they can see those around them happy? trick question I know many of you do too which WORRIES ME PLZ DONT PUT YOUR HEARTS ON THE LINE SO EASILY I drifted I forgot what I was saying oh welp

Anyway for some of you i have so much to say I could write endless paragraphs about you about admins and characters and life and wow I do speak a lot to admins sometimes I speak more to admins as admin that the characters and for some others I can only say a few things or wish you to have a good day some of you I only ever spoke to your character or we talked too little or never at all wow I say that a lot but like one thing yall have in common is that I love you so much even if you don't know me or dont care alright I dont care if you don't care I LOVE YOU and you can FIGHT ME if you dont wanna accept it smh I just want you to know that this place so many of you have been feeling is crumbling down or hurting them or isnt the same anymore is MY safe place too is a place where I feel comfortable and secure and I know, well decide to believe, that you guys would never do willingly anything to hurt another and yknow sometimes I just sit in bed and look at my account and I'm like wow I suck I should delete but then I'm like I could never do that to you I really couldn't because I've been told so many times I'm peoples safe place too and I would never want to take that away from you yknow

I mean I'm not gonna say we shouldn't pay attention to the bad things that happen because this is somehow our home and it's on us to protect it but I think that we shouldnt focus so much on it. because theres still so many good things that we overlook when we think of the bad or when we let things get to us or when we decide to act out of impulse and not think through stuff yknow

ANYWAAY what I'm trying to say is that I love you all so so so so so much and this is my safe place because you're here for me when I need it and I would never give you guys up for anything and like i have so many people for whom i stay daily and try my best and I hope that someday when you need a reason i can be that for you too because I've said this in private but I want everyone to know that this is my corner too and I will always fight for it and protect it so like we can all fight for it together whenever things get rough or you can leave me alone and maybe I'm being super dramatic and putting a lot of weight on this but I started overthinking like halfway and in just tthink that I want to keep yall close to me and my heart forever ok so stay safe and healthy and happy yeah fight for your happiness fight for what you deserve fight for what you want and don't let anyone ANYONE EVER take away from you your joy and your spark and your will to be yourself ok bye

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

hi. ive been following you for a long time and ive seen a lot of your personal posts. i dont know if me sending this will amount to anything, but i really want you to know that you are cared about, and that your loneliness and hurt is only temporary. i dont know you or the struggles youve faced, but writing off your loneliness due to being a lesbian really is not the way to approach this. as the other anon said, i feel as if you use it as something to pin all of your pain on, when really you need to focus on embracing and loving your attraction to women. i hope im not out of line with this, but just as a concerned follower, i hope that someday you can find solace in the people you love, because love (whether it be romantic, platonic, self love, or love from the universe and complete strangers) is ultimately what will heal you. i wish you the best, please stay strong

Hello anon 💕💕💕

Thank you so much for popping in with such kind words and love, it really means a lot. And I really do appreciate all the perspective. I find it very helpful to get

And I’m definitely going to try hard to view my loneliness as something other then permanent. Because I do have a bad habit of feeling as though I’ll always be stuck in negative feelings even when that’s not the case.

I think I do pin a lot of struggles on my lesbianism and you are right , I don’t think all of it’s warranted. But I do have so much trauma surrounding. I’m not with them anymore (but this idea has been tossed around by other psychiatrists as well ) and although it’s not an offical diagnosis right now, so it might not be correct, there are thoughts that I have C-PTSD in regards to my sexuality and things linked to it. And honestly I think that, if I DO in fact have that, is why I react as adversely as I do. Anger is not an emotion I experience an awful lot, but when it comes to my sexuality I find myself often being triggered into these angry panic attack like situations. It’s something I’m so often thinking about and trapped in. I suppose because of that the issues can feel a lot bigger and more dangerous then they are sometimes. I will honestly never forget the time a couple years ago where I was at a convention and I saw a gay couple and I genuinely started shaking and crying and mildly s*lf h*rming myself right on the spot because I was just overrun with all these emotions I couldn’t even explain. I know logically my sexuality is probably one of my smaller issues especially when compared against my mental illnesses, but it so often feels like the biggest. And it’s something I am. It’s hard having so many conflicting emotions about my own personhood. You know simultaneously having so much acceptance and desire to consume content with people like me but also at the drop of a hate going down a triggered spiral over it as well. It’s an odd juggling act that I honestly haven’t figured out how to deal with yet lol.

But really thank you so much. You have such a kind soul and your message really means a lot to me. I hope you have a really beautiful day 💕💕💕💕

[detonizing]

headcanon.

50 headcanon challenge prompted by @bnharpchub​ bc so many people were doing it on dash and my restraint is only so strong 

coming up with 50 new headcanons was so difficult jfc AWOEINAWE i cheated a bit and some of them mention hcs I already wrote about before, but I did my best to focus on a different part of it to give it a new spin so it’s technically new....ish. awoieNAWEIAWNE

he learned how to cook because his parents were always busy and he wasn’t going to just expect them to cook for him when he could just do it himself ( he learned a whole LOT of things because he realized he could just do it himself )

he doesn’t usually keep things for sentiment reasons. there ARE a few exceptions, but for the most part if it’s important enough to remember he’ll just simply remember it 

he likes the view from up high. mountain climbing really made him aware of that, and it was a part of the reason why he wanted to learn how to fly ( that, and just the fact of it being practical, using his quirk to enhance movement ) 

sometimes puts on a clear coat of nail strengthening polish during weeks of particular harsh training. he would put on coloured polish too, but they often get ruined very quickly because of how much he uses his hands and so he doesn’t see the point to do it often 

his sweat isn’t actually toxic ( mostly bc I do NOT want to deal with all the problems having toxic sweat would cause, but there is more to it that I’ll write in depth of another day when I’m less lazy ) 

His volume is one of the few ways he feels like he can be heard. His mother is also a very loud person, and growing up he would be stuck in situations where if he doesn’t yell LOUDER, he won’t be heard. If he is WILLINGLY quiet around you, that is a sign of trust, a sign that he’s comfortable enough to not feel the need to be loud. 

he cannot stand his mouth being covered, nor does he take well to being told to keep quiet. He GETS that not many people appreciate his loudness. He KNOWS there is always time and place. But being loud is a defensive mechanism, and it being taken away against his will just messes with him a lot. 

speaking of, a large part of why he got the ‘i dont give a fuck about anyone else’ attitude is because no one would really care about him. It wasn’t just because he had a big head. He was acutely aware that people around him would praise him and rise him up, but never actually listen to him or cared what he wants. Why should he care about other people if no one gave a fuck about him? ( he knows better now )

he’s cautious about giving villains second chances. it’s not like he’s against giving villains a chance at redemption ( he knows he’d be a fucking hypocrite if he was ) but he also is realistic, and knows that some people are just shitheads and will refuse to change no matter what. knows that some people will take advantage of people with bleeding hearts ( cOUGHS like dEKU’s COUGHS ) and so he’s just. very wary and distrusting. he’ll give you a chance, but he’s going to watch you during it. 

if the ranking system of heroes gets abolished, it won’t really affect Katsuki’s goals. from the start when he says ‘number one hero’ what he cares most about is being number one by HIS standards. ofc he was planning to get ranked number one too, but if such a system falls apart, he’d just make sure he becomes the Best till no one can argue against it either way 

katsuki has always used his quirk often. he hates rules regulating quirk use because it’s so stupid to him. how the hell was he going to become number one if he didn’t know how to use his own damn quirk? ofc he still tried to abide by the law well enough, in public refraining for the most part ( but his middle school very obviously was super lacking in discipline so he just didn’t bother hiding his usage of quirk there )

his quirk acts up when he has high emotion — but MOST of the time, that is less him losing control and more of a conscious decision on his part. resisting the urge to explode when his body is aching to is dangerous, so it’s better to let loose small, controlled, explosions when the time comes. He works hard to keep control of his quirk, he knows when it’s best to just let explosions loose and when he can hold it in

even without explosions he has a habit of his fingers twisting or fist clenching when he’s high strung. restricting his hands in any way, esp during these times, are an absolute no for him. he WILL react violently if you take away his only method of physically defending himself. 

the reason why he NEEDS to be able to defend himself at all times comes from his lack of trust. He doesn’t WANT to rely on other people, because they could mess up so it’s just better to do it himself. so if people try and stop him from doing it himself.... just nope. 

he’s so so so SO bad at accepting compliments. he’s used to empty meaningless compliments, praise for things he didn’t even earn, so getting actual compliments that are WORTH something. it’s. a lot. he doesn’t know how to properly handle it yet so his first reaction is to reject it somehow ( either by telling the person they are being an idiot, or finding fault in the compliment itself, or something along those lines ) 

he has a base respect for pro heroes in general, because he understands that they have experience he is obviously lacking being a student. but he won’t be blinded by their status. if they fuck up, they fuck up and no ‘hero’ status will keep him from recognizing that 

he doesn’t actually hate quirkless people. he never really has. he had a problem with DEKU, but not exactly quirkless people in general. he started calling Izuku as “Deku” before he knew that he would never get a quirk. He called him ‘deku’ because izuku would fail at bouncing a ball or skipping stones and such ( back then, almost ALL people were ‘useless’ to him, not just quirkless people aoweinaoweianwe ) 

he as sharp teeth. not enough to be called fangs or anything, but they are definitely sharper than average ( he’s a little gremlin so I must give him sharp teeth ) 

he’s still struggling to ask for help. he can easily admit that he needs backup when it comes to hero works — knows that teamwork is essential at times and saving and BEING saved in turn is how being a hero is. BUT for PERSONAL things? Outside of being a hero? As a person??? He doesn’t know HOW to ask for help with that. 

He’s ALWAYS been super independent. so people just. expect him to be fine on his own. HE himself expected to be fine on his own. But by the time he realized wait no, I’m not fine. People stopped trying to check up on him. ( until U.A., but then old habits die hard. but he’s learning ) 

he tends to shower at night more than in the mornings, because he often works out not too long before bed. he also just takes more than one shower a day if needed ofc he takes hygiene seriously

he HATES when he can’t get a full night’s sleep. And sadly ever since getting kidnapped it’s been happening more and more often. he’s unused to functioning without a full eight or nine hours, so he gets cranky all day and feels fucking awful. He used to hate naps, felt like a waste of his day, but they’ve become a bit of a necessity with how shit his sleeping pattern has become. ( plus jordyn’s shoto has shown him the wonders of napping aowienawe ) 

he doesn’t take long to get ready in the morning. even if he needs to dress differently for an occasion or anything, he doesn’t spend long trying to decide what to wear

his quirk isn’t affected by rain or water like people would expect, but it’s fucking COLD so he still hates getting wet

he’s really good at fighting even without his quirk. he absolutely has thought of situations where he couldn’t use his quirk to full capacity, and so he decided he needed to kick ass even without it

he’s really level-headed in battle!!! despite how he acts, he ALWAYS considers all options and acts on the best one. He just thinks really fast and acts the way he does so it SEEMS like he’s charging in without thinking ahead. That being said, he used to often underestimate his opponents so he’d sometimes make the wrong call. He’s getting MUCH better at not doing that lately tho

he doesn’t really celebrate his own birthday. he gets well wishes from his family, often they’d get a cake maybe, but he doesn’t really WANT or NEED presents, so he had his parents stop trying to gift him things years ago. His birthday is SUPER close to the beginning of the year, so it is often times overlooked by his peers too, but he doesn’t care

Katsuki is demisexual!! He can recognize when people are traditionally attractive, but he doesn’t really fucking care and isn’t attracted TO them. It’s only once they’ve become someone he actually CARES about could he then develop any feelings beyond platonic ones ( no love at first sight here )

he’d NEVER pick up smoking, and even when of age he’d very rarely drink. He wouldn’t want his health to deteriorate by stuff like that. And he wouldn’t want his ability to think be hindered by alcohol

he doesn’t like lying unless for good reason ( like hiding ofa ) but he doesn’t see lying by omission as the same. To him, that’s just him deciding it’s no one’s business and so there’s no need for him to admit to anything

people have tried to bully him as a kid. we’ve seen him chase off older kids in canon before. It wasn’t just a one time thing. It was pretty constant, actually. Other kids, usually those older than him, would hear about him and his attitude and try and ‘put him in his place’ It’s not like he was very popular as a kid, it’s just that Katsuki always WON any fights so no one could actually do anything to him

his nicknames, for the most part, aren’t actually meant to be insulting. Besides like Deku, and when he called Todoroki “holding back bastard”, the rest are just,,, descriptions in his mind aowienAWE ThEY ARE RUDE AF but he doesn’t actually seek out the rudest name he can think of to call people. It’s just whatever comes to mind first

he doesn’t actually mind when people call him out on his shit anymore. he’d in fact admit that they have guts to do so. If they try and call him out on BULLSHIT though, then he’d get angry bc they are just wasting his goddamn time. 

he KNOWS when his classmates are purposefully manipulating him to doing something by phrasing it as a challenge. It’s just he doesn’t give a shit, he’ll rise to the challenge anyways and prove them all WRONG. 

If he really doesn’t wanna do something, there’s absolutely nothing that could get him to do it 

his way of SHOWING that he cares is through actions and gifts. Doing things for people ( studying, cooking, etc ) that he cares about comes naturally to him

On the contrary, he struggles to process it when people try and show that they care the same way. He doesn’t like getting gifts, and he rather do the things he needs to himself??? The easiest way he can understand people showing that they care is through quality time. If you are willing to spend time with him, seek him out? He can get that means you WANT to. ( if this is proven wrong it’d shake his entire acceptance in that person. he’d struggle to believe that they care for him at all in any way after ) 

once you broke his trust, it’s impossible to gain it back. he DOESNT trust easily. he takes so many careful measures to prevent himself from trusting the wrong person. if he gave you his trust you better fucking treasure it, because it’s only given out once. That being said, there are different levels of trust that katsuki gives out — as seen on his relationship page. Level two trust is when it starts getting serious. If you have that, that’s when if broken it’s unfixable. Level one trust is a toss up if broken, very dependent on situation

soft smiles are hard to come by from katsuki! We’ve all seen his confident grins in the face of danger all the time — he smiles a lot during challenges and battle!! But soft ones? Full of fondness and love? They are pretty rare. And even when they DO happen, often it’s only when no one can see

His EYES are actually what turns soft first!! You have a better chance catching his eyes and eyebrows turn a bit less aggressive, but again they aren’t exactly common per say. He doesn’t like showing such expression unless he feels like attention is off him. ( he just. isn’t USED to expressing himself this way. so he doesn’t really like when people draw attention to when he does. because it makes him feel like he did something wrong, in a way )

it’s actually easy to make katsuki flustered and embarrassed. he’S not uSED to it so he’s weak let him live aowieNAWE his ears are the first to turn red!!! but if you really get him embarrassed he does go completely red sorry kats

he does all of his homework well in advance. he hates leaving ANYTHING to the last minute, really

he’s done modeling work as a kid. sometimes he still does, but very rarely. He doesn’t exactly hate doing it, but he just isn’t the least bit interested so he rather spend his time doing something else. When he does do it, you bet he takes it 100% seriously.

he won’t argue if someone calls him a shit person. he knows that he is, and he refuses to deny that. what DOES piss him off though is when people solely focus on how shit of a person he is to the extend of disregarding the perfect results he gives. He’s a shit person, but he’s still the BEST and fuck anyone who says otherwise.

he also knows that he is changing, because it’s a conscious effort on his part TO change. But that’s also the thing. He’s working hard to not be shitty ALL the time, but that doesn’t change the fact that at his core, he’s still not a NICE person. he’s acutely aware that the things he struggles so much with, comes so easy to other people. He wont let this STOP him , he’s never called it quits before just because something was difficult for him, but it still sucks. knowing just how much effort he’s putting into this when some people barely think about it at all

katsuki was well versed in medical knowledge even before U.A. Not because he was thinking about how heroes may need to give emergency care on the field, but just from his own injuries during self training. he needed to know how to treat them properly so it doesn’t cause him problems in the future 

katsuki runs hot, but he gets cold easily. Because he’s used to keeping himself running at high temperatures, his concept of cold is different than most other’s. Suddenly being in like sixty five degrees Fahrenheit feels COLD to him

intended use for furniture are only suggestions. That means yes, he WILL sit on top of desks and counters, stand on top of chairs, and put his feet on the bed while he lays on the floor if he so goddamn chooses. 

no matter how close with a person he is, he’ll eventually need time alone and his personal space left untouched. It takes a lot to get to the point where physical touch is something he’d allow, ( having both touch starvation and touch aversion in equal parts ) but even with people he is completely comfortable with, sometimes it still gets to be TOO mUCH and he needs to step back. he has bad days, too. where just a brush of contact would set him off and he can’t understand himself why it happens. all he knows is that he really hates those days.

it still stings, the knowledge that All Might never even considered him for a possible successor. he was RIGHT THERE when all might picked izuku, after all. and all might can say all he wants about how ‘he was already powerful, he wanted to give midoriya a fighting chance’ or whatever. he knows he was never a contender. it’s not that he WANTS ofa though. he is perfectly happy with his quirk. It’s not even that it’s deku who ended up getting it, he in retrospect is glad deku can fight him now. It’s just. in the end, he’s always always lacking something. it just fuels to his belief of never being good enough when it counts. because HE is NEVER anyone’s first choice to be the up and coming number one. He’s GOING to be. He’ll prove EVERYONE wrong. But, it sure would be nice. Someone else believing in him, too.

[ghostsray]

Ch2: Flowers

(prev - next)

"Danny, your clone is adorable," Sam said.

Danny looked away from the plant he was observing and said, "You mean Niel?"

Sam tapped her chin. "Well, Danielle is adorable too. But yes, im talking about Niel, considering he's the one I saw yesterday."

"Oh yeah, you went to Vlad's mansion, right?" Tucker asked from where he was seated among a group of potted plants. "How was he like?"

Sam shrugged. "Like Danny, except peppier, and with a better appreciation for goth culture."

"You turned my clone goth?"

Sam stopped spraying her venus flytrap to point at Danny and say, "Hey, he's his own person, thank you very much."

Tucker leaned back and stared out the greenhouse walls. "I feel left out. How come both of you get to meet this new clone--er, person? I want to see him too..." He trailed off, staring at something in the distance, then pointed out and asked, "Is that him?"

Considering the timing, Danny almost thought Tucker was joking, but then he followed his finger and saw that Niel was, indeed, walking toward Sam's greenhouse. He didn't look very goth in Danny's opinion, although his hair was shaved on one side--but that was more punk than goth. As he got closer, Danny noticed that he was carrying a bundle of yellow flowers in his hand.

Sam went to the greenhouse's entrance and opened the doors to greet him. "So, did you get my adress from the mayor or from Google Earth?" she said.

Niel rubbed his neck nervously. "Did I do something wrong?"

"'Course not, Dracula. Come in." She made way for him, then eyed the flowers and asked, "Are those for me?"

Niel held them out, blushing slightly. "Danny said you like flowers. Uh, completely platonic flowers, of course."

Sam took the flowers from him. "I do like flowers," she confirmed, "though not so much cutting off flower roots and selling their corpses for money."

Niel blinked. "Oh."

Sam have a half-shrug. "It's fine. I'll just give it to my mom, since she loves decorating our house with flower corpses."

"I'll...be sure to get a potted plant next time."

"You better," Sam said. "Meanwhile, I'll go find somewhere to place these dead flowers so they can provide some decoration while they rot away."

Niel looked mortified as she left the greenhouse and went indoors. As soon as she was gone, Tucker burst into laughter.

"Oh man, you should see your face. Nobody is ever prepared for ultra-recyclo-vegan Sam."

Danny watched Niel with a smile as the younger boy glared at Tucker. He nodded at his hair and said, "Nice hairdo."

Niel ran a hand over the shaved part of his head. "It was Sam's idea. Something to make me look different from you." He looked across the various plants in the greenhouse and said, "She really does like plants, doesn't she?"

"You have no idea," Tucker agreed. He gestured across the room and said, "I promise you, every plant in here, Sam named. Like, those two flowers over there--what did she name them again?"

"Hecate and Nyx," Danny supplied. "Or Nyx and Hecate. I don't remember which one's which."

Niel frowned at the twin flowers. "They look the same."

"Yeah, well, Sam has some way to tell them apart," Tucker said. He cupped his mouth with one hand and whispered conspiringly, "If you ask me, I'd say she still has plant-whisperer powers from Undergrowth."

Niel ignored Tucker. He was still scowling at the plants. "Why bother keeping two of the same kind if they're basically the same thing?"

Danny had a sneaking suspicion Niel wasn't just talking about the flowers. Either Sam really trained him to become dark and brooding, or something was troubling the boy.

"Hey," Danny asked, "things okay with your dad?"

Niel shrugged, not tearing his eyes off the plants. "I think so."

"You think?"

"They're good, I think. I mean, yeah. They are." He smiled and added, "I got him to call me by my name."

"Really? That's great," Danny said, and his tone was sincere. He knew how many times Vlad insisted on calling Niel by Danny's name. Yet, for some reason, Niel didn't look as happy as he should have been regarding the news.

Danny was about to ask him what was wrong, but Tucker chose that moment to lean forward and say, "So, are you crushing or Sam, or...?"

Niel spluttered and shouted, "I am not!"

Danny would have felt irritated at Tucker, but he had to admit seeing Niel's face turn as red as Sam's anthuriums was hilarious. Maybe that was what Tucker was going for: lightening the mood a little.

"You're not what?" Sam asked, and the three boys whipped around to see her reentering the greenhouse.

"Nothing," Niel said quickly. He scratched his cheek and turned his attention back to the flowers. "Just appreciating Nyx and Hecate here."

"Hecate and Nyx," Sam corrected.

"Yeah. That." He glanced at his wrist and said, "Um, I guess I should be leaving now."

Sam raised her eyebrows. "You just got here. Don't you want to hang out a bit?"

Danny could tell Niel wanted to, but he shook his head and said, "Dad's pretty strict about my training schedule."

"Training schedule?"

"Yeah. For my ghost powers." His eyes moved to Danny, almost out of reflex. For a long time, the clone had tried to get Danny to join him as his brother, but that was before he started questioning Vlad's integrity. Now, he just kept quiet and looked away.

Sam's lips thinned. "I dont mean to offend you, Niel, but I gotta be real with you. Your dad is kind of a--"

"A horrible villain who wants to take over the world?" Tucker said.

"--a jerk."

Niel crossed his arms, not meeting any of their eyes. "He's the only parent I have. I don't know. I don't know what to feel about him."

"I thought you said things were cool between you last night."

"I did, but..."

"But?"

Niel shook his head. "It's nothing. I better go."

The trio's eyes followed him as he left, but no one tried to stop him.

.

Niel wasn't lying about the training schedule, but the truth was, his training wasn't due for another hour. Rather than return to the mansion, he stopped by an alley on the way.

There was a fast food restaurant nearby, and he bought a takeout burger and brought it with him to a small spot nestled between two buildings. He was disappointed but not surprised when he found it empty. He wasn't sure why he expected otherwise. It would have been dumb of her to stay in one place for long.

"Looking for me?" a familiar voice spoke, and he looked up and saw Danielle Phantom appear in front of him.

"So you did stick around," Niel said.

Dani floated down, stopping before her feet touched the ground so that they were at eye level. "Well, duh. I came to Amity Park because I wanted to see you for myself, and one short conversation this morning wasn't enough for me." Her eyes drifted to the box in his hands, and they sparkled as she pointed and said, "Woah, is that a Nasty Burger?"

Niel handed the burger to her. "I thought travelling around the world homeless might have made you hungry."

"Niel, I know we only just met today, but I think you're starting to become my favorite brother." After accepting the box, she landed on the floor and transformed into human, then she took out the burger and scarfed it down.

Niel watched her with interest. Even though Vlad mentioned her often, he never kept any photo of her. All Niel knew was that she looked like Danny, but younger and female. He guessed that description was true, but it was a bit hard to notice her similarity to Danny from underneath the low wool cap and oversized hoodie she wore--not to mention her incredibly messy long hair.

Niel brought out a small yellow dandelion from his pocket and twirled it in his fingers. Dani paused eating to look at it.

"Didn't you say you were going to give those flowers to Sam?" she asked.

"I did," he replied. "I thought I might keep one to give to you, though, as a sort of welcome gift." He offered her the flower.

Dani eyed it. "I appreciate the gesture, but we're siblings."

"It's a friendship flower! Yellow flowers are for friendship, red flowers are for love."

"I don't know enough about flowers to refute that, so all right." She shrugged and accepted the flower, then after a moment's thought, placed it in her hair. "What do you think?"

"You would have looked cute, if you weren't otherwise so messy."

Dani rolled her eyes. "Pompous rich people," she grumbled, then bit into her burger again, not paying any attention to the grease that ran down her chin.

Niel wrinkled his nose. "Are you sure we're related?"

"Hey, man, ask Vlad."

Niel hesitated. He toyed with his wristwatch and asked, "Was he really that bad to you?"

Dani finished her meal and sucked her fingers. "I thought we established this earlier today. Vlad probably treats you well because you're perfect, but I wasn't so lucky. He just thinks of me as a failed experiment."

"He said your body was unstable, but you seem pretty stable to me."

She chuckled. "I'm not unstable all the time. Trust me, you won't see me looking as pretty as this when I'm emotional."

If her current appearance was pretty, Niel wasn't excited to know how she looked like unstable. Dani observed him for a moment, then said, "I have to say, you really are a nice clone."

"I thought you said I was pompous."

"You are. But you also brought me a burger and a flower instead of taking me to Vlad."

Niel's eyes widened. "Why would I do that?"

"To gain his respect?" She shrugged and said, "That's what I would have done, back when he cared for me. I was almost ready to kill Danny because he told me to. Maybe it's a good thing I turned out to be imperfect and had to leave."

Niel decided to ignore the fact that Dani would have murdered a person and instead said, "You mean you didn't realize it at first?"

"Oh, no. I was stable for like a week before Vlad noticed anything amiss." She saw Niel's troubled expression and quickly added, "It's okay, I'm sure youre safe. You've stayed stable for much longer than I did. You're not a failure."

"I hope not," Niel mumbled, not feeling completely reassured.

Dani gave him a friendly nudge. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. And if you're not, you could always join your super duper awesome sister Dani on her worldly expeditions."

Niel frowned. "By the way, why do you call yourself Danny? Don't you want to go by your own name?"

"Uh-uh," she wagged her finger and said, "I'm Dani, with an I. He's Danny with a Y."

"That has to get confusing sometimes."

"Oh, absolutely. But it's also really funny. Like how there're two Hawkeyes in Marvel comics."

"There's two Hawkeyes?"

Dani gasped dramatically, then placed a hand on his shoulder and said deeply, "Niel, I really need to get you into comics."

Niel slowly moved Dani's hand away. "Okay...but I still find it weird that you want to be called Dani. Why not Elle? or Ellie?"

Dani tapped her chin and said, "You could call me that, if you like. Ellie does sound pretty cute."

"Cool, then. Ellie it is."

Ellie didn't seem to mind his new nickname for her. She wiped her mouth with a sleeve and looked at Niel's watch. "I guess I better leave. If Vlad's treating you like he used to treat me, then you probably have to do some ghost training in a few."

Niel looked down at his wrist. Had time really passed that quickly? "Yeah, you're right. Um...I'd say say you later, but..."

Ellie shrugged. "Why not? No harm in sticking around in Amity Park for a while longer, right?" She jabbed a finger at Niel and added, "Just make sure Vlad doesn't try to capture me or anything. Also, feel free to buy me food whenever we meet."

"I'll keep that in mind," Niel promised.

Niel turned away and began walking home. He glanced over his shoulder to where Ellie had been, but she was gone, probably off to do...whatever it was she did on her own.

[fuck0ffnleavemealone]

What I wish I could've said

Since the last post I made was fueled by emotions, so I'll give this post more effort

let me get a few things straight.

I believe what you told me. Because I'm done playing games, I thought I knew you. I really did.

But the more time passed I started to question if I could be wrong. And after all you said and did, I can't say that I recognise you.

Yes, you were a broken person. And to many extends you still are. But you changed in those years we spent together. I saw it in you, especially in the talk we had after my birthday and you can't deny that.

Let me also say that I definitely agree that our relationship was doomed to fail because we both didn't improve ourselves in ways we should have. That's why I can say that I'm glad it ended the first time. We were young, dumb, and had spent no time appart to determine if we were ever truly going to work as individuals. I defined myself by you. You made me who I am today, you gave me my name and with that an opportunity to grow. To live not defined by my past.

I won't deny that I should have known that the things I did would have a deeper effect on you. Even if they were small to me, such as liking photos. And I will never again defend the worse things I did or that I slept with a different person. And for all it's worth I see that nothing justifies what I did. I did what I did because I didn't think as I do now so i made a wrong choice. It's that simple. I hurt you because I didn't think. Though that does not mean it is less painful to admit

contrary to what you believe I see what you mean. Intimacy has become something that I cherish. Something I don't want to share with anyone else besides the person I love. And it has been like that ever since I saw what I did to you. While kissing still might be more special to me than to others I know that it is just an abnormality on my side.

I have chosen to adhere to my rules.

For you I'm honestly glad that you seem to be prioritizing yourself. Even if I think that you might have a few steps to go. I'm glad you're taking the journey, that's all I ever wanted for you.

Although I really have to say that starting a relationship while you yourself are still on the way of figuring things out/ or if you just ended things with someone you loved/ love, is something that is morally questionable. Because I've been there. But I decided against It because I will never again hurt the people who love/like me if I can help it.

I can't say more. Because I really don't wanna argue with you. Yes we have different views, that's actually what I enjoyed about us. As I saw in recent times, a perfect partner wouldn't make me happy. You may not realise it but a large part of my change is thanks to you. For that I thank you. From my view it really hurt to see you do the same thing you did with Serhart. Because it is not a conincidence that you chose your new guy. An anti me. But comparing the two of us is not fair to him and me. Especially when you seem to know that I changed a whole lot.

But for all it's worth, and as much as it may hurt to know that someone else is making you laugh now. I hope it makes you feel a little less shitty and I hope that I was special enough to not be a completely bad memory.

In regards to toxicity, yes. You are one of the most toxic people I've ever met. And I don't say this to hurt you but because I know where it comes from. That's why I took every beating you gave me. Because I knew that most of those words weren't what represented you. But that doesn't make it right. I'm glad you know what you did to me. Even though I think you might not see the whole picture. But I'm sure I dont see yours as complete either.

In regards to our relationship, yes we didn't work out. I knew that I have accepted that. What I wanted to achieve was greater than that. I said I wanted to be there because that is truly what I want. I wanted to be as important to you as you were to me. Simply a person that's there for good. You didn't have to be my girlfriend.

Although I hoped that maybe after a few more experiences or simply enough time that we would realise that we both had something very special that does not come often. A feeling. Something I could not feel for anyone else and something that just made me like it was all worth it. Atleast for me. Even tho I really saw what made our relationship difficult. I was glad that we were different enough to grow and learn. I'm sure you're not the same person you were when we started dating. And that was my point. People change, in both directions.

I just really wanted to be there to see the change and maybe even help you. Because at the end of the day I would always enjoy your company. Even if it would just be once a month for a coffee and some shit talk.

As for the point that you never felt good enough. I know, and I'm really sorry you felt like that and that I contributed to your feelings of inadequacy. But I assure you that in my fucked up mind, you were always what I wanted. I just often thought that you would wake up one day and realise you didn't want me anymore. So I did stupid things to hide how attached I truly was to you. Ironically is that the reason why I acted the way no normal person does and I drove you away from me in the first place. We both had issues, once again. That's why i thought it would be good if we split up, because I knew that as long as you weren't gone for good. I'd get my shit together eventually.

You tried to give me a chance. But if I'm honest, you never did. That's why I still think I was treated unfairly by you. Because if we just look at what happened after that time. I really tried to fit myself to you. I gave you your space as much as I could and only tried to do what you wanted. I might not have been very good at it and Im Sure I sent wrong signals from time to talk me. but I just wanted to lay low till you were strong enough to give me the love I knew you were capable of but needed time. I was happy just being with you. All I wanted in return was honesty.

This is probably the one thing you won't change my mind about. My big problem is that in the end I feel like you didn't really respect me at all. And that made me think I wasn't worth it. (I know that this might be shitty to hear from me, but having delusions is not something that only you gotta deal with) That you couldn't look me in my eyes and hurt me. Knowing it was the right thing to do. And all the on, off, on and off after that hurt me even more. Because I told you explicit that I would understand if you don't want to be with me, but you should've told me right there in that car. Because I knew I couldn't take one more ride on the "I'm not sure" rollercoaster. And you looked me in my eyes and told me you loved me. That is all I needed to hear to give you my heart once more. Because I saw you really meant it.

Then you still broke up with me over text and sent me a lot of mixed signals which didn't make it better (the last night we slept together)

I feel like a person who cared even a little bit about me wouldn't have done that to me because love is a deep form of respect and appreciation. (But that is my thing "view" I cannot change, just like you with my sleeping with someone else.)

And that is why it's so hard to let go. Because the last time I really saw you, we made love. You held me and showed me that there was still something between us. And then you left. So in my head, all of that is still very real for me. I never saw the person I loved again. It's almost like you died and I never got to say goodbye. Because if you did give me the chance for a goodbye. I could've let you go easier. I wouldn't be sitting here simping for a person who told me time and time again how much distaste, disgust and hate she feels for me. Because you know I have my weird quirks, this is one of them. If it's not in person, it doesn't quite feel real.

The truth is, I wanna let you go, focus more on me than I already do. Let you live your life without having all these mixed feelings towards you. To have my good memories while being able to move on (not into a relationship because that is nothing I really want right now, but the form of platonic love I experience right now)

I saw what all the thoughts of me did to you. That's why I actually wanted to talk to you a few days before you broke things of. I wanted some time away from me for you. I wanted to let you heal and experience the world like you could not have done before. Because I knew it would be good for you. But I would always be there in case you needed someone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you these things earlier

I'm glad you regret what you did to me. I'm glad we both regret things, because that's the first step of change. It doesn't make right what we did. But i am okay with the fact that it is a good thing that I can see now how wrong and hurtful I could be. Because I know I could never be like that again.

It makes me truly sad to hear what you went through, and I never wanted that for you. One reason I wanted to give us both a clean cut, so we could heal better and healthier. But to be clear, I went down a dark part as well. I guess you could read my suicide attempt out those lines. Or the time random people had to save me from alcohol poisoning. I did a lot of horrible things to myself, and that's noones fault. I think if I hated you it would have been easier but because I didn't let my pain turn to hate I went out of control.

I did not want to exist in a world where the only person I was ever ready to love. The person who made me what I am, and the one whom I wanted to grow old with. threw me away just to replace me like a used napkin, because that's what it felt like.

But similar to you, I know that that I am worth much more than I thought I was. I deserve love and respect. Most of all from myself. And that is the person I have to learn to love first before I can ever be right for anyone else.

I hope you find the best person you can be. And don't choose the easy path because it's convenient. Life is fucking hard right now. But our mistakes make us who we are. Show us how we can grow and change as people.

No I didn't only think about who suffered more. The thing is that I didn't see you suffer. I only heard bits and parts that made it seem like you didn't. That you were okay, that not having me in your life wasnt a big deal. So I felt betrayed. I felt like you lied to me. Like you used me. Which I thought you did.

Yes you told me you didn't wanna talk. But I told you why it was so important to me, because I thought I could still talk to you on a base of respect. And I still stand by that. I'm aware it would have been hard for you. But sometimes it's about doing the right thing, giving someone that what they need just because you can and know it will help them. But you did not and that is what I still don't understand. Because I can imagine how you feel about me. But just justifying dissapearing by "I don't owe you anything" makes you seem like a coward or someone who doesn't know how to respect anyone they dont love (anymore)

I thought of us both, because even though you might think the opposite. I am sure it would have helped us to come to an end. Because what i asked for wasnt “taking the whole hand” ( casue in that case i dont know what the small finger was, you even texting me back is not something i should have to be thankful for) It was simply my last try to do things right. Because that is what humans want, people want closure. Thats one of the most common desires.

I'm sorry you think I don't want to listen. Because I do. I really wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know what went on Inside your head. But it is really hard to know what to believe because you lied to me so much that I don't know anymore what is your mask and your coping mechanisms and what is the real you. no matter how often you say them. I sadly cannot believe them because I can't see your face to know if it's really the truth.

I regret how I treated you and that things didn't work out. As I said once, I really wish I would have met you in five years. When you're doing great, and I'm finally good enough to myself to be good for someone else.

I don't think love ever truly goes, I think you reach a point where you realise you either love enough to see that things werent working out and that people need time appart or even a split for good and to not see eachother again. Or that you realise that the love wasn't ever really there.

Because anything less isn't love in my mind.

But that does not mean I'm right or that anyone else has to live by these standards.

Yes it hurts to read those words and to think about that you really believe in them. That there is no true end. But just a stop. To hear that it "was love" for you, because I still don't know when that ended. I'm sorry that it is this hard for me to accept. But I know about myself now that once I love. I love for good.

I sadly still think I won't love again. Because I don't know how to stop loving you. Believe me I want to stop. But at the same time I don't want to because I remember what made me love you in the first place.

That's not your fault, I'm aware I might make it very hard for myself. But thats just the way I do things. I don't wanna be like my mom and blame everyone else and just spend my life hating everyone. I accept that I love, and I accept that I can't show it ever again.

I hope I will make it through this as much as I hope you do the same. And that you know deep inside that I never meant to hurt you. That I'm not as bad as a person as you tell yourself I am. Because yes, I have my fuckups now and then (you are a very sensitive point for me emotionally, so i get triggered really easily when it's regarding you)

But I think you'd be proud of me if you saw me acting around and caring about my friends. Kicking out people who use me. Standing up for myself when people think they can push me around just cause they are bigger or think they are more important. If you saw me going about my day even tho I'm not feeling fine. Me still existing even tho I almost stopped to. I don't think I'm toxic. (That's what a toxic person would say I guess) I just think I have the capacity to do things I'm not proud of but I also know I will be better in the future.

And from the bottom of my heart I really wish you the best in your life. From yourself and from everyone around you. I hope that you fail as much as possible, to know how to improve. And then I hope you succeed with what you truly want to do and who you want to be. I hope you one day look back on this as a fond memories. Because I know I will. Because I will always remeber you as what you are to me. and who knows. maybe ill see you again in 30 years and i can smile because you could have found your way and i could have found mine. Ill never know what the future holds

It's really hard for me to see you go. Because I really want to be a part of you and your journey. But I never meant to stop you. I guess you listened to your heart and it told you what to do. You don't seem to want me and as sad as that makes me. Looks like what we joked around once turned out to be true.

It eez what it eez

Yours truly

Moe

Ps: this is the last I'll say on the topic, everything else doesn't need to be said again. I will stop looking at your Tumblr.( So maybe don't reply to this. if you ever even read it. ) Even tho it is the last thing that let me check on you. But I want to try and heal. and I cant do that if my phone reminds me everyday of what I miss most. Eventually I will be fine. Even tho im scared of the future. The universe didnt let me die for a reason. I just have to find what that reason is.

[floorbed]

13, 22, 30, 35, 47 for both please <3

beeee thank you for letting me infodump abt my kids!!! under a read more bc i dont know how to shut up

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?

so pen had private tutelage technicalllyyy bc he wld just hang out with mikolai all the time and he wld take him to his Important Grafs Son Boy Lessons. so he technically learned all about like, political history n battles n stuff. but he did not pay attention for that shit like, at all. he was just there to hang w mikolai! he Did get his literacy n v good penmanship from it tho which makes him feel very >:) 

agni... hm! she liked school to an extent bc it was something she was very good at, and it was something that made her family proud of her for n she rlly liked that positive attention, but she tended to like hyperfixate on it and it was rlly negative for her mental health lol. schoolagni just had very high expectations of herself and never felt like she was Doing Enough, even tho she didnt really know what she was working towards which led her to feel super stressed out all the time for no like end goal. saying fuck it and choosing to drop out was like. the biggest natural release of serotonin she has ever experienced lol. 

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or 'ideal’ partner?

pen has friends!! notably the party !! basically he will make friends w anyone who will give him positive attention n second chances n make him feel important. as for lovers pen has only k*ssed One Person Ever so he doesnt have like. much of a type. but its very much also the friends things. he just likes getting attention from powerpful and/or important ppl bc it gives him validation!! *kills him and his nobility complex* . i just want this bitch to have positive character development

agni does not really understand how to cross the barrier between Acquaintance into Friend? it is new to her. she is good at being on neutral terms w people but anything more than that is A Lot. She Has At Least One Platonic Friend Though! for the past two years which is like, big for her. she actually likes being perceived by seras bc she never feels like judged or anything, and having an outside opinion helps her be self reflective towards her own mental state in a positive way! also she Appreciates The Company Greatly. being around the party is rlly helping her be like... socialized and function in a group setting which is funky! whenever agni thinks abt her t*pe or l*vers her brain just Static Noises bc she feels very much like. she wouldnt know the right way to express anything like that bc shes never done it before. But Well. Stupid Has A Crush

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

pen is holding onto soo many things lol and its less of a he wants forgiveness and more of a he wants to be forgiven Kind Of Moment. he kind of just wants a do-over on like. his entire adulthood past 17 basically bc he wishes he cldve done better

Similar To Pen, agni is holding onto a thing and wants to be forgiven for it but Unlike Pen who if given the opportunity would do everything different and wld be able to ask for forgiveness, while she subconsciously wants to be forgiven she doesnt know how to reach out and ask for that, and also does not want to stop doing the things she feels she messed up with bc they give her a sense of purpose and direction!

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

soo pen copes with failures and disasters by being entirely too hopeful things will just Work Out and the universe will just eventually Give Him Nice Things if he keeps wishing for them!! he doesnt really understand like. Irreversible Social Consequences bc hes like well if i just ask rlly nicely for a second chance and do rlly good the next time around everything will be okay!

agni’s relationship w failure is ! complicated! failing on purpose is a very cathartic thing for her bc it gives her a sense of agency. but failing at something she wanted to succeed at and was actually invested in def brings her back to the stressed overachiever dread headspace she had growing up, except now she does Not possess the level of self reflection to actually understand why she’s feeling what she’s feeling, so instead it’s just Indescribable Bad Feeling. The Sludge, if you will

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Do they want to be visible or invisible?

pen either wants to be Untouchable or just wants to be Enough! it switches between the two 

when agni’s feeling more connected to herself n her upbringing she wants to be competent and professional, but 99% of the time she is disconnected from herself and either does not want to be perceived or does not care how she is perceived lol