#but also happy sirius at the end bc i love them and they’re abt to be sent to prison they deserve it

[wereoz]

ranty little sirius genderfluid tidbit for tortured sirius enjoyers

i think sirius definitely had a persona at school. because, first joining hogwarts, he knew he wasn’t like their parents or anyone from that world but didn’t know who she actually was yet so she just kind of tried to piece together a guy that his classmates would like (softening his posh accent, dressing different, acting cool at the expense of human connection) (… like and worship because sirius is still sirius.) and the persona absolutely hinged on traditional masculinity, but different to the one he’d see at home.

and i think sirius would turn around in circles trying to escape the feelings they had of “not a man rn thanks” like. he has a feeling like that and feels ashamed so rejects it and feels bad about that because the dysphoria is still prominent and then feel even worse because they’re choosing between comfort or her persona, but it isn’t just a persona- it’s something she clings to, to say she isn’t like her family, so he chooses the persona because they feel like they must.

like… that mary shelley quote: "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other." it’s soooooo perfect for other aspects of sirius’s personality and i think it still kinda applies here. when she can’t just let herself have this one thing (which is so interesting because sirius will allow themself to take what they don’t even want and be so arrogant and proud but when it’s something he actually desperately wants she freezes) then she feels angry and penned in like her life is a cage and then she lashes out…

like. sirius is like. so clean cut and has perfect hair and is only ever artfully disheveled and knows he’s perfect and loves it and yet deep down he has a primal instinct that he is dirty

and especially coupled with their ongoing gay crisis. because both, whether at school or home, are seen as failures at being a man

(but don’t worry they will turn 17 have a gay turning point -just getting with remus officially-and stop hating themselves so much. because they’ve gone this far who cares if they want to wear a skirt. sirius also doesn’t have like “language” for it but they have the language they want. they say they’re a pretty girl jokingly once and ppl laugh and take no notice because, yeah, it’s a joke but also… why not? but either way sirius just thinks “… huh… good to know…” bc it’s almost acceptance and they just let themselves do whatever and wear whatever)

[galaxostars]

001 SIRRY because i love hearing you wax poetic about them ehehehe

• when I started shipping it if I did: good question uhhh I think it was about a year ago?

• my thoughts: GODDDD im so insane about them, i just love how inevitable they feel most of all. like. esp in the context of canon (I don’t think abt them in aus much ngl), sirius going to azkaban when he was so young, coming out older outside but emotionally stunted, yk? still a kid who never really got to grow up, esp if you take into account the trauma of growing up in an abusive household, getting into a war so young…. which yeah, we’re all thinking abt harry rn. the parallels of these two are insane they drive me nuts. then ofc the found family trope hits so hard bc, they both need a family so bad, someone who understands them, but not someone who will treat them like they’re fragile yk? i will never not think about how everyone was treating harry like a kid, and sirius like a freak, in canon. sirius standing up to harry who deserved to have all the info to fight during a war that painted a fucking target on his back but everyone shutting sirius down UGH. I just think no one understands each other as well as sirius and harry. I love them platonically too so so much. but in a romantic context it’s so different and smmm fun bc sirius will do ANYTHING for harry, that’s his baby, like; that’s the kid he swore to protect, that’s his dead best friend/savior’s child, but that’s also his savior—post azkaban, and it’s also a person on their own (which btw, sassy harry fits SO well w sirius lmao), it’s not a replacement for james or lily. sirius will stop at nothing to give harry what he needs…. but also what he wants, and that’s where it gets SO juicy, bc harry wants him but Sirius has to fight his guilt, his fraying morals (which, it’s canon that sirius is a morally grey character so it’s so fun to play w that), and maybe even, the thought that he’s dangerous, bc I hc the blacks as having a very intense, almost violent type of love. and I could see sirius being scared of that, of loving harry too hard, or too wrong. but harry is just. so lost. so starved for love. and he loves sirius sm, sirius is his whole damn world and the only thing that makes sense, that makes him feel safe in this fucked up world that’s always been so cold to him, and he doesn’t enjoy seeing sirius fight himself, carry the guilt on his own, but he so desperately doesn’t want to be alone in this either, and SIRIUS WONT LET HIM feel alone in this bc harry already carries too much on his shoulders and ughfjffkdndkfnskxbm basically they need to fuck but it’s hard to get them there, but once they do, it’s better than an anything else, it’s HEALING.

• What makes me happy about them: I think mostly that they’re each other’s person. like. they just get each other. also just. the sheer joy and relief they have of being in each others presence.

• What makes me sad about them: THE TRAGEDY OF FORBIDDEN LOVE, OF THE WAR, OF THEIR TRAUMA UGHHH also the miscommunication trope sometimes, esp if there’s past prongsfoot that makes harry feel like a replacement for his dad, or their trauma getting in the way

• things done in fanfic that annoys me: I love them, next question

• things I look for in fanfic: mhm the tension +++, the moral debate of it all, and their banter omg I eat it up everyyyy timeeee harry is SUCH a brat but sirius is also a comedic king AND a hot one at that and he’s so good at shutting harry up even tho it truly is harry who has sirius wrapped around his finger. i also love when the power imbalance / the age gap is explored bc… like it feels like the elephant in the room otherwise lmao. and it can be so fun esp during sex!

• Who I'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I can ship both of them with literally almost anyoneeeee, like I love these two characters so so much that. I love all ships w them? I think I just tend to gravitate wayyy less towards sirius/hermione bc I just… really don’t see it and in my head, even sirius is kinda scrunching up his nose at the thought xD but honestly, that’s literally just me!! cheering sirmione shippers on!! have fun!!!!

• My happily ever after for them: a canon divergent AU in which sirius DOESNT die and harry DOES end up living with him thank you very much, and MOLLY LEAVES SIRIUS TF ALONE (needed to get that off my chest lmfao)

• who is the big spoon/little spoon: I see them switching tbh

• what is their favorite non-sexual activity: taking the piss out of each other 💀 maybe quidditch thooo or going on sirius’ bike; I feel like they’d have lots of fun riding, the two of them *exaggerated wink*

[rollercoasterwords]

i just want to say thank you so much for your post about even loving parents (and people) being homophobic bc this fandom lately is so so reductive towards those kinds of realistic portrayals, acting as if their creators are “wrong” when in actuality a majority of us live through these experiences and can find comfort in fiction that works thru them! as someone who grew up religious i ADORED your atyd sirius pov for exploring internalized homophobia so honestly. it made me feel seen and struck such a chord of truth. like yeah they’re wizards but also voldemort’s whole thing is hating people for things they have no control over so acting like inequality that doesn’t exist in the wizard world either is not the end-all solution some people think it is. anyway love you. ❤️

anon!!! thank u so much 💓

i think that parents post struck more of a chord than i was expecting it 2 strike lol like. i will say i think the majority of people in the fandom are like. normal abt letting fic writers write what they want etc but! it does suck that there is like. this small and annoyingly vocal portion of people who are just....really weird about homophobia in fanfiction lol.

like my post was specifically abt portrayals of parents but there does seem to be a vocal minority (although mostly not on tumblr thank god) who act as if choosing to write about homophobia when u could choose instead to write a fantasy world where it doesn't exist is like...morally depraved bc it's "unnecessary"

and i definitely got like. a lot of that sentiment when i was writing atydsp!! which is obviously just my personal interpretation of the character and not meant to be taken as anything more than that, but like--i'd always read sirius as a deeply closeted gay man with intense internalized homophobia in atyd, and that's part of why i wanted to write abt his character in the first place. for me it was incredibly meaningful to explore the story of a character raised in a homophobic environment by homophobic family, who struggles with internalized homophobia in ways that are messy and sometimes even hurt the people close to him. and it was honestly really disheartening to get so many comments along the lines of "ugh sirius is being so stupid and annoying" bc i was just like....this is all very real to me. and largely based on personal experience. and it sucks seeing people brush it off and go "but they're wizards why can't u just make him accept that he's gay!!!"

and it's also like. i understand why someone might not want to read about homophobia, and that's totally fine! u can seek out fics where queerness is totally accepted and filter out homophobia and do what's best for ur own mental health, y'know? but for me, personally, i actually tend to avoid stories where homophobia is just magically erased. and again, that's down to personal preference (i am by no means saying one type of story is better than the other; i think they are both equally valid + i'm glad both types exist in all their variety on ao3) but even if i'm reading about magical made-up universes, i think that like.....for me, so much of my experience as a queer person has been shaped by the homophobia of the world around me. and i'm not saying i think that's all that being queer is (of course it's not!!) and i'm not saying every queer person will feel the same (and like....if ur a queer person who's never really experienced homophobia in ur personal life then that's awesome!! happy 4 u!!), but that struggle has been such a fundamental part of my queer experience that i really have a hard time relating to characters who don't share it. reading about characters who never experience internalized homophobia and whose family + friends are totally accepting honestly just makes me feel worse bc it's so far removed from my own experience, whereas reading about characters who do have homophobic family/friends/environments/etc is actually something i'm able to find comfort in.

anyway this turned into a whole essay but!! i'm happy 2 hear that my post (+ my portrayal of sirius) resonated w u 💕 and i do think the majority of the fandom understands + is supportive of people exploring homophobia however they want in their fics; sometimes we just need 2 bitch a little bit on tumblr abt the annoying people who aren't lol

[radioh]

keeping track of my hp aus:

- harry moves weight and is kind of mean au, his friends back home r like his family and he feels disjointed suddenly Having Things Easily

- the dursleys give harry away; he’s fostered & eventually adopted by a big nigerian family who may or may not have magic of their own & he is constantly sucking his teeth and saying he’s going to call his mom up to the school. he ends up going to school much later on because he is basically lost in the system

- draco and a few other slytherins goes missing after 5th year, 10 yrs later ron goes to ny and brings harry back a painting where the person depicted looks just like him, they later realize it is Literally Him and draco had his memory wiped and lives in america an artist now (draco is from texas & went to scad for college in this au and YES he has a southern accent). harry goes to investigate and ends up falling in love with draco, who has no magical signature and perhaps no magic at all anymore, and after convincing himself that this draco (who goes by a completely diff name) is not the same person, they sleep together. in the middle of the night, draco wakes up with a haunted look in his eyes and his british accent and says, “you need to hurry. i’ll be all gone soon.” and when harry tries to ask him what he means he passes out and wakes up without any memory of what had happened. anytime harry tries to talk abt magic w/ him he gets a splitting headache and ends up not remembering it .... Anyway harry to solve The Mystery before real draco is gone forever & deal with the fact that this other draco may not love him

- james and lily wake up when harry is 11, ms zabini is a lawyer and helps them get sirius out of jail and when they’re in her office harry meets blaise and draco, as a family they are disjointed because lily and james missed 11 years of their child’s life: they don’t know if they want more children or not, they’re going crazy sitting in the house but they don’t their pictures in the prophet, their friends are dead, snape is making harry’s life hell at school and they keep having to go up there, sirius spent over a decade in azkaban & there is obvious tension btwn him and remus bc remus didn’t believe he was innocent. peter is on the loose (briefly). harry is easily overwhelmed living in a house with so many people and suddenly not being abused anymore. lily & james are constantly having domestics bc james kind of blames lily for her sister being so terrible which makes no sense and they both know that but there’s no one to blame and it’s all so terrible. still, they love each other and they love their son and maybe they make him an older brother. harry certainly is always asking to be an older brother. also harry is like vaguely super traumatized even outside of voldemort stuff currently happening because he somehow vivdly remembers the night that his parents “died” and he almost did.

- keeping up w the blacks au. there is no reality tv show but their family antics r always front page. when they come together for the first time in like 10 yrs it is a comedy of errors: everyone hates andromeda’s husband for different reasons (narcissa feels abandoned, bella is a racist, sirius jus thinks he’s boring), nymphadora is in love with sirius’s long time “roommate” remus, draco is simultaneously cyberbullying and catfishing harry, regulus kind of hates sirius for abandoning him, sirius has been cut off from the family money and is very highkey only there for the free vacation. there are several arguments. everyone is always storming out. (alt. more dramatic version: after bellatrix dies, they’re all forced to come together to bury her and fufill her last wishes. everything is the same but its a drama of errors instead of a comedy. bella leaves sirius her daughter w/ that weirdo she was obsessed w tom) (magic version of this is there is a way for members of the house of black to take someone’s magic, but all the other living members have to agree to it. thus: a family reunion as they try to stop bella from killing all their kids)

- wolfstar au where sirius is basically billie eilish (in terms of music type, not age) and flies remus and his friends (incl. lily) out for a tropical vacation. they’re just being dumb kids on an island for 2 wks, it ends poorly, sirius drops a diss track that is barely a diss and they all end up making up. its cute and fun and peter isnt there cause i hate him

- tangled au where draco is hidden in grimmauld his entire life and the world thinks he’s dead and when harry comes there with sirius they realize he is very much alive and cissy faked his death. draco hits harry with a frying pan

- everyone lives au where they’re all happy and draco has a big fat crush on harry. his aunts and uncles all keep giving him terrible advice because they are simply not well adjusted. he is very pretty despite this and harry falls in love w him anyway

- after the war draco, the youngest black with half blood or more (teddy is like 1/4 i think), sees the ghosts of his dead relatives and it’s slowly driving him crazy. he starts staying at grimmauld because that’s the only place they’ll rest. him and harry (and hermione) get to work fufilling the ghost’s last wishes and undoing generational curses so draco won’t die

- draco is a trans woman au. no other context she looks like hunter schafer and i love her.

- at the beginning of winter hols during eighth yr, the children of hogwarts realize their parents have disappeared. so has everyone else over the age of 19. it’s not just happening to them either, muggle’s parents have also disappeared. the world in disarray and they have to deal not only w trying to find the magic kids around the world before someone more sinister does, but it’s also more important than ever that the statute of secrecy is maintained. this one needs to be more fleshed out but harry accidentally becomes like a cool absolute ruler cause kids r nuts

in conclusion:

[wvrmtails]

(  and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust?  )

( keiynan lonsdale, twenty one, agender ) my goodness, is peter pettigrew back? it’s been a few years since the halfblood has been around the castle, but i’d recognize he/they anywhere. rumor has it the seventh year spent the past few years aligned with the order. they’re stillallocentric & cunning and obsessive & passive, though. and the gryffindor still reminds me of ketchup stains on band shirts, an incomprehensible minute long string of curses, tracing the veins in your wrist, the smell of breakfast and fresh coffee, card tricks at three in the morning. well, then, i guess some things never change. 

links:  playlist.  pinboard.  stats. 

triggers: child abandonment, eating disorder (specifically bed/bulimia), depression, anxiety, weed. there’s a heads up before every bulletpoint!

history.

child abandonement mention |  peter grew up in glasgow, scotland and was raised by his mother, a halfblooded witch called daraja pettigrew. his dad wasn’t in the picture, hadn’t been from the moment his mum had told him that she was pregnant. | end of mention

which meant peter learned how to be alone from a young age. his mother worked a lot, after all, so she could pay the rent of their small flat and give peter the bare minimum, the things he needed. peter delved into fictional worlds: he read books. comics, mostly, but also a lot of roald dahl. he also watched a lot of telly, because tv is the bomb.

went to muggle elementary, where he was kind of? an odd one out. his clothes were always a bit lumpy, his words a bit jumbled, his eyes shifty. was an outsider on good days, a target on less good ones. he spent many lunch breaks eating alone, and most of the time he didn’t mind — being alone meant he could let his mind wander.

still, it fucked with his self esteem. no kid likes feeling alone, or like an outsider.

and then hogwarts rolled around and! friends! marauders! peter felt so at home! oh my god okay listen. he loves the marauders so much and he was so hyped and happy to be part of this little group and there was a Lot of hero worship there, esp in the early days?

peter always loved heroes. he loves comic books and people who save the day and get the girl and do it all. i think he kind of … projected that onto james and sirius especially? did not know how to do this friendship thing as an 11 year old tbh, was a mess, was blinded by their amazingness damn

also. re: being sorted into gryffindor! peter admires heroism and bravery and chivalry, and it’s your values that get you sorted some place. and he does try to be brave, and he IS, because he becomes a damn animagus for his bud! i mean! he was not a hatstall btw  — i choose to ignore that stupid bit of post canon. it took a while for the hat, sure, but no more than two minutes. 

pete was & is a shit student, not bc he was dumb, but just because school was not. his thing. his jam. the system was just not for him. deadlines? exams? homework? no thank you. anyway, peter’s skills flourished a lot more in different settings, like … using charms for convenience. or becoming an animagus for his bff. making potions against hangovers. etc.

becoming an animagus for remus was ! important ! to peter ! he did it for remus, not because of peer pressure, or anything else — he did it because it was right, and his friend deserved it and ! he did it, too, because he could. sure, his transfig grades may have been more than poor, but the kid did have some skill. he just needed motivation, which mcgonagall didn’t give (bc. she scared him.) and this situation? motivated the hell out of him. 

peter would be lying if he said he wasn’t taken a bit aback when he learned about remus’ lycanthropy — not because he was scared of him, to be honest, but he was just ? shocked ? he was more scared for remus, and so sad? so fucking sad for him? : (

collects chocolate frog cards like it’s his damn job. i mean, he did it before hogwarts, but once he arrived and there was more opportunity to trade and a whole club dedicated to it, peter grew more and more driven to complete his collection, lmao. peter also really likes playing gobstones and is pretty good at it? same with chess & card games — he loves games!!!! so much!!!

weed & anxiety tw | peter started smoking pot in the summer between his fourth and fifth year, and never really stopped. it made him slack more at school, but also eased his anxiety, which had started to develop in his fourth year. as months passed, peter became more and more of a stoner, which made him both more relaxed and funnier, but also ... a whole of a lot lazier. | end of weed tw

peter had always been a bit ... fidgety, easily on edge, a bit nervous, but he’d never really known anxiety until around fourteen years old. his insecurities grew, as he started comparing himself more to his friends and finding nothing but things he lacked in comparison to them, and questions as to why they put up with him. | end of anxiety tw

so his schooldays mostly looked like ... doing nothing, playing games, having fun with his mates, getting high, forgetting his homework, stressing about homework, and somewhere, in a tiny corner of his being, worrying about the war. whenever those worries started coming up, though, he was able to push them away, because the war was not yet there, not for him at least. there was graduation to worry about first, and once that was done, then he could worry about the war.

and then the war came to hogwarts. peter was shocked. peter had been in denial about the war and how close it could hit him, because in his mind he and his friends would be safe at hogwarts, would be safe until at least graduation, and then that was all gone. peter didn’t do much during the battle. i can imagine that he just hid, that he tried to stay out of trouble, that a side of him showed itself that he did not like at all. he worried about his friends, hoped they were safe, but didn’t go looking for them, didn’t try to protect them: he clung to safety and hid. like a fucking coward. he prayed, for a moment, and then cursed god to hell and back. probably smoked a few cigarettes, too.

post battle & currently.

peter is ashamed. ashamed of his cowardice, ashamed of his passiveness, of his incapability to stand up and fight, like so many of his friends did. a disgust grew in his chest for himself, and yet he was glad, somewhere, that he had hidden. he’d not seen as much as others had. he’d not gotten hurt. he had not died.

he did join the order, along with his friends, in an attempt to make up for his earlier lack of bravery, but he finds himself incapable to do much. he’s not good at dueling and while he’s able to be strategic and cunning, his mind seems to shut down whenever he tries to apply himself. he’s terrified, frankly, and he’s angry, because he should just be at fucking hogwarts. 

that idea i mentioned earlier, that the war wouldn’t be real until after graduation, and then graduation being postponed significantly, kind of froze peter up. rather than dedicating himself to the order in his own ways, as he would do in a canon verse, or eventually deciding to walk over to the death eaters, peter just became passive. i think peter hung around hq a lot, cleaning up and cooking food and making sure there was always enough tea/coffee/beer/liquor around for when there were meetings. would rather clean a dirty toilet than go on a mission. The Order’s personal MAID! 

depression & weed & eating disorder (bed/bulimia) tw | peter feels useless. he feels like a shitty person. he feels like he’s a burden. he hates himself. peter starts secluding himself, hiding in his mother’s home. he smokes more pot. he sometimes goes a week without seeing someone besides his mum. he watches too much telly and reads comics and drowns in fictional worlds and he becomes depressed. he sinks into it without noticing and can’t come back from it. his eating habits ( which have always bordered on unhealthy ) turn worse; peter binges, and then restricts, falls into a cycle. it’s the only routine he has.

when he’s around his friends, he lives up a little. he cracks jokes and wants to play games and laughs and feels a bit more alive, but he always craves his time on his own. that’s his new way to feel safe: to stick to his newly found routine, hidden in his room, away from reality. | end of tw

and then, finally, he was able to return to hogwarts. the three years spent away from school feel like a blur, if you ask him now, a useless blur, and peter’s laughing when he steps on the train. he’s glad. he’s glad. he can return to his plan to graduate and then, maybe, find the power in himself to face the war, rather than still, kind of, deny it. peter just wants to return to his last year and make the most of it, and return to the way life once was. ( that that’s kind of impossible is, well, yet another thing he’s in denial about. )

random facts & ramblings.

peter parker is his favourite superhero just because ... they share a first name and because peter parker is a bit of an underdog too and peter is just like! amazing! he named his owl parker.

he hates cats. used to love them --- he was allowed to take the cat from home with him to hogwarts when he was eleven, but he brought him back home after an unfortunate incident where his cat nearly ate him while he was in his animagus form. “sorry ma, i don’t love him any more. here. have him.” 

peter is actually a solid cook. this is because he learned to make some basic food when he was still a kid, first with his grandma, and later on his own. he liked doing it for his mother and he was. .. good at it? peter is also just passionate about food and finds comfort in cooking. breakfast food and baked goods are Prime Food Categories. 

he is asexual af, panromantic. has kissed both guys and gals and nb pals but did not like it??? confused. does not understand sexuality and all that jazz but tries not to think abt it because like! he’s got enough stress! doesnt need to think abt this!

peter is also agender, but i think he’s a lot less aware about this, because it’s confusing and so he just tries not to think about it. he does feel okay with he/him pronouns, but just doesn’t feel connected at all to being a boy/man

peter has abandonment issues because his dad, well, never even bothered to be there. not even for a second. he’s just constantly scared that people will leave and it’s funny, because he will probably end up abandoning all of his loved ones KDJFHSDF.

peter is quite non confrontational but also not ... meek? he just avoids it, either by physically staying out of people’s way or by dismissing most of the things said and getting out of there. a Passive Kid. will, however, defends his friends honour, because damn it, he loves them so much.

he’s such a fucking dork i swear to god. but he’s funny! peter is really funny. i deeply believe in this. he makes great puns and is able to just come out of nowhere and make a comment that just. hits the nail right on its head. 

peter curses a lot and has a scottish accent and sometimes he will have a minute long cursing session that no one rly understands.

listen i have such a wide array of hc’s im not going to list them all here just ask me

possible plots.

tutors. someone help peter graduate bc that is like. something he does want to do. he’s taking his newts in transfig, potions and herbology.

fellow collectors. please trade chocolate frog cards with peter and help him finish his collection before he loses his gd mind.

let’s play a game! peter rly likes playing games and tbh he’s usually in for one ( though it does depend on who you are, lmao ) so! maybe your character and peter just like hanging out and playing some Games.

i will add more im just so tired of typing rn KSDFHSJKDFHKJSDFKDSFH