#but also after lying to me about my position being a 40 hour position to say ‘no they’re always 35 hours’

[stylishanachronism]

Getting back into job hunting because my bank job cut my hours (?????) and it was in fact the final straw, if they want me to quit this bad they will have to fire me But also what if I did my exact job but for literally twice the pay because [redacted] is hiring and Jesus fucking Christ what the hell was that ‘assessment’

[shipskicksandgiggles]

ELLIS!! 5, 30, and 40 and make it ✨️star wars✨️ (you're free to choose who in star wars hehe) <3

REY!!! these are so original trio coded I love them. your wish is my command <3

read In Rare Form, also on ao3

prompts (from this list): “You’re so small, it’s like your body can’t contain your excitement. It’s really funny to watch actually.”, “You have main character things happen to you while having the attitude of a quirky side character, and I love it.”, and “Are you fucking colorblind? That’s purple.”

Luke, Leia, and Han hadn’t gone on a mission together in long enough that they shouldn’t have been able to click back into sync so quickly. That didn’t stop them from doing exactly that though.

Luggage was slid into cubbies, they took their places in their seats, and after some preflight checks from Han and Chewie, they were on their way to their destination.

It was a longer journey than most, so they actually had the time to sit back and relax for a couple days. It also gave them a chance to catch up since, even when they were positioned on bases together, they didn’t really have a chance to talk about anything outside of business as usual.

Chewie took over the pilot’s seat while the rest of them sat around the table, exchanging stories from the various places they’d been without each other.

“So there I was, kneeling in front of the king of this outer rim planet, about 30 seconds out from being decapitated, which R2 had called before we’d even landed the X-Wing when this lunatic of a robot somehow managed to cause a diversion almost as big as that one on Tatooine. I managed to get us both out of there in the chaos, but long story short I’m not allowed back on that planet unless I marry one of the king’s children, which I think I could do, I’m just not really interested.”

“You think you could?” Han asked incredulously.

“Oh yeah, he has one son who’s totally my type, and seems interested enough in me, but I just don’t think our marriage would last and then I’d be even worse off. I think I’d be banned from the entire system if we got a divorce.”

“What the fuck?”

Leia, ever the diplomat, tapped on the table in front of her. “I’m not sure I could find a way around that for you, so you’re just going to have to successfully marry him or never go to that planet again.”

He nodded. “I’m pretty sure I can avoid going back, I doubt they’ll need me again.”

“Around you like the only Jedi in existence? You’re one of the most powerful people in the universe, they might need you,” Han pointed out.

Luke shrugged.

“You have main character things happen to you while having the attitude of a quirky side character, and I love it,” Leia said, planting a kiss on his cheek as she got up from her seat. “You really have no idea how important you are in comparison to everyone else, do you?”

“I’m just doing my best.”

“That’s ridiculous, if I had your reputation, I don’t even know what I’d do,” Han said.

“You’d be a menace to every known star system,” Leia told him. “You already use my name enough to get in places you probably shouldn’t.”

“You know about that?”

“I have my sources. I’ll go check in with Chewie to make sure we’re still on track so we can get some sleep before we land.”

~~~

Leia was also the one to wake them up a couple of hours before they entered the atmosphere. She was always the early riser of the group, which was impressive considering how Luke was raised. He was also an early riser, but it was like Leia existed in a perpetual state of wakefulness.

“Get up and get dressed, idiots. We want to hit the ground running.”

“Isn’t this a peaceful mission?” Han asked. “No violence required, making Luke an overpaid bodyguard?”

Luke threw a pillow at him from where he was still lying down.

“Yes, but if we get all the bureaucratic stuff over and done with quickly, we’ve got enough time to do some sight seeing, and I’ve heard that this planet has some truly magnificent museums.”

“Museums?”

“There’s also some wonderful scenery if you would prefer to go hiking. Waterfalls and fields galore.”

“Sounds like a wonderful day, too bad I’ll probably be stuck at the shipyard until you get back.”

Chewie chose then to howl from the cockpit, and Leia smirked. “No you won’t be. What do you say, Han? Want to walk around museums with me all afternoon?”

Luke propped himself up on his stomach, watching the exchange from over his pillow.

“I’ve never seen you like this before, my god.”

“I’ve been looking forward to this trip all week, and I won’t let you ruin it for me.”

“You’re so small, it’s like your body can’t contain your excitement. It’s really funny to watch actually.”

She paused in her bouncing and smacked him as he ducked into the bathroom to change.

“He’s honestly not wrong,” Luke said, risking being hit with the same pillow he’d thrown at Han a few moments prior. “You are in rare form right now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited.”

“Well I didn’t exactly have much opportunity when we were in the middle of a war, now did I?”

“Fair enough, I guess.”

He rolled onto his back just in time for her to actually throw the pillow back at him. “Museums, Luke!”

“Yes, I heard you the first half a dozen times. It sounds like you’ll have a lovely afternoon. I think I’ll explore a bit unless you need your overpaid bodyguard.”

“I’ll bring Chewie with me, you boys can explore all you like.”

“Fantastic.” Han re-emerged from the bathroom, buckling his belt. “Let’s do this shit.”

~~~

The morning had actually gone off quite well, which meant that Leia and Chewie were peacefully exploring one of the capital city’s many museums.

Luke and Han, as per usual, were not so lucky.

“I told you not to touch anything!”

“I didn’t! And I told you to go left!”

“Clearly you don’t know your left from your right. It doesn’t matter now.”

“No, we’re just running from the people shooting at us, as per usual.”

“I’ll try and get Leia on coms, cover me.”

Luke dove behind a bunch of barrels behind one of the stalls in the marketplace, and hoped Han would be effective enough at covering him.

“Leia? Leia? Come in, Leia.”

“The blaster shots I just heard out the window better not have been because of you.”

“I have bad news. How fast can you meet us at the Falcon?”

A sigh crackled through the small speaker. “Better idea, meet Chewie and I inside the museum. They won’t be able to get their blasters through security without a significant delay.”

“We also have blasters.”

“You can use the force to get around that.”

“That’s true. We’ll be there in a few.”

“Luke, you better be done back there!”

“Yep, we have a plan. Run for that side street and make a right on the first turn. Head for the museum.”

“The Falcon is the other way!”

“Have a little faith, Solo. Now move!”

They ran, and their pursuers followed them.

“Which building was it? It’s the orange one up ahead, right?”

“Are you fucking colorblind? That’s purple.”

“Whatever it is, it’s the one directly in front of us, correct?”

“Yes, but holy shit do we need to come back to that later.”

They made it through the doors, and security didn’t hassle them about their weapons thanks to Luke bending the force around them. Leia and Chewie met them a few rooms later.

“You got away?”

“Barely. Also we need to take Han down to medical when we get back to base.”

“If he’s hurt there are local hospitals.”

“I’m not hurt,” Han grumbled. “I called the building orange.”

Leia paused to process this. “I see.”

“Han can’t,” Luke mumbled, and Chewie bellowed.

“I hate all of you, when can we go back to the Falcon?”

“As soon as the palace guards I called come and arrest whoever attacked you we can be on our way,” Leia said. “Why I let you two go off on your own is beyond me.”

[babymetaldoll]

Baby Reid (Spencer Reid/Reader)

Requested: Yes

Matthew x reader, his wife (the reader) goes into labor, and the next story is the same thing but spencer Reid x reader.

A/N: This was fun to write! tomorrow I’ll post MGG’s story

Summary: Spencer Reid is about to be a father, and he can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong.

Pairing: Spencer Reid/Reader

Category: Fluff

Word count: 2K

Warning: I curse like a sailor

Masterlist

You can also read Baby Gubs

.

That was it. It was the moment (Y/N) and Spencer had been waiting impatiently for the last couple of weeks. Being pregnant was the most amazing experience of her life; (Y/N) still couldn't believe she was carrying a little baby Reid inside her. But after 40 weeks, she wanted it to end. It was time to have that baby.

But baby Reid wasn't ready to face the real world just yet, and their little princess was three days late after the due date. The doctor had told the couple if it passed from Sunday, they would do a c-section. Lucky for (Y/N), that Friday afternoon, baby Reid decided it was time.

(Y/N) was all alone, reading a book, lying on her bed, enjoying a big bowl of chocolate ice cream, when suddenly, it happened. Her water broke. She had been feeling contractions for the last hour, but after three false alarms, she wasn't concerned at all until she felt her legs all wet.

Trying to remain calm, she grabbed her phone and dialed Spencer's number. Aaron knew they were about to be parents and had given Reid only desk duty those last couple of weeks so that he could be there for the birth of his daughter, Helena Reid.

- "Hey Buttercup, how are you?"- Reid was swamped in paperwork when he received his wife's call- "I was about to go out for lunch with Penelope."

- "I think you might like to reschedule that"- (Y/N) smiled for a second until a powerful contraction left her speechless for a moment.

- "Why? what is it?"

- "Your daughter decided to come and meet us. This time it's for real."- Spencer's heart stopped, and his hand started shaking immediately.

- "Are you sure?"- he whispered and closed his eyes. He was about to have a panic attack, but he had to remain calm. He had to, no matter what, for the sake of his wife. So, he did his best and talked to her in the most soothing voice possible.

- "Yes, honey. My water just broke"- Reid's heart stopped again.

- "H... ho... how often are the contractions?"- Spencer cleared his throat and packed all his things as fast as he could, considering he was too nervous to remember what to put in his satchel.

- "Every eight minutes."

(Y/N) knew Spencer was freaking out. He told her he was mentally prepared for that moment, and he would be a rock for her. But she knew better. Spencer could pretend to be calmed, but deep inside, he was going to be hyperventilating.

- "I'm on my way, give me a second"- he stood up and bumped into Penelope- "Garcia, I can't have lunch with you. (Y/N) is in labor! I have to take her to the hospital."

Penelope wide opened her eyes and started hyperventilating immediately.

- "Is that her on the phone?"

- "Yes! I have to go now."

- "I love you, munchkin!!"- Garcia yelled- "I'll see you at the hospital, I'll tell the team, they were on their way back from New York"- Spencer nodded and ran to the elevator.

- "I'm here, buttercup. Keep talking to me, ok?"

- "Ok... so... tell me about your morning."

- "It was boring. Nothing exciting happened until I found out I'm about to be a dad."

(Y/N) smiled and tried to concentrate on her breathing, keeping it as slow and relaxed as she could.

- "Are you ok?"- he asked, so concerned and excited he forgot which way to go to get to his car. He had started driving to work when they got pregnant, in case of any emergency.

- "Yes, just breathing... I can't stop thinking, do we have everything we need?"

- "Yes, don't worry, babe. We are ready,"- Spencer reassured. Those words were not just for her, but also for him too- "How is the pain?"

- "On a scale from one to ten? Like a four. I can deal with it until we get to the hospital."

.

Spencer drove as fast as he could, trying to think like Morgan behind the wheel. He had argued against the way he drove for years, and now, Reid was doing exactly everything he had disagreed with.

- "I'm parking outside"- he announced his wife, but she didn't reply- "(Y/N), babe..."

- "I'm here"- she whispered- "Pain is starting to go from four to six very quickly."

- "It's ok; it's ok. I'm almost there."

Reid opened the door of their apartment and ran to their bedroom. (Y/N) had taken the bedsheets and was now trying (and failing) to put clean sheets in it.

- "No, buttercup"- Spencer nearly yelled and stopped her- "Leave that, come on, let's go."

- "Sorry, I just didn't want to leave the bed with..."

- "It's ok, I'll take care of that later. It doesn't matter"- (Y/N) felt his arms around her waist as they walked towards the door. That's when she stopped and squeezed his hand.

- "Breath, buttercup, you are doing awesome."

- "Shit, they are getting worse"- she mumbled and tried to think of anything else- "The bag is in the car?"

- "Yes. And we'll call your midwife and your parents from the car."

(Y/N) nodded and started walking again, but stopped all of a sudden.

- "Wait, come here"- she tugged his hand and wrapped her arms around his neck- "You are gonna be a dad, Spencer"- and the smile that appeared on his face was enough to light a whole city.

- "I love you so much, buttercup"- he kissed her lips sweetly and sighed- "You are incredible."

- "Remember that in case I turn into a monster when the pain gets worse"- she smiled and felt his lips on hers again.

- "Noted."

.

After six hours in labor, (Y/N) was turning into a monster. She was uncomfortable and in pain, and baby Reid had decided to take her time.

Spencer had prepared for months for that moment. He kept everything you might imagine in his car that could help (Y/N) be comfortable during the whole labor process. Spencer had to be ready whenever the moment came. He played her favorite playlist, and he gave her tummy massages with essential oils to help her relax. Nothing was working, but he meant well.

He had read every book about parenthood he could find. And though he was more than prepared for that moment, he was too scared and worried to think straight.

.

- "Come on, Helena"- Spencer kept talking to the tummy and held his wife's hand as she tried to get some rest- "Your mom and I want to meet you"- the hard grip on his hand let him know his wife was in the middle of a contraction. They were every three minutes now.

- "We'll only have one kid,"- (Y/N) whispered, and Spencer smiled. He moved closer and kissed her temple- "I know we said we wanted three babies, but one is all I can take."

- "You know, many women often claim to forget all the pain of labor after giving birth. It's called the 'Halo effect'"

- "We'll see if that theory is real soon, I hope."

.

Spencer was trying to soothe her, though someone should be calming him too. He was scared anything could go wrong. Statistics were hunting his mind the whole time. If something went wrong, if something happened to his wife and daughter, he would lose his mind.

- "How is she?"- Penelope asked Reid when he appeared in the waiting room. The rest of the team was there, waiting for the news.

- "Tired. It's been six hours already"- he sighed and closed his eyes- "I feel so useless! there's nothing I can do to help her!"

- "Come on, Spence"- JJ rubbed his arm and smiled at him, trying to calm him down- "There's a lot of things you can do to make her feel better."

- "I know, but I'm scared of everything that might go wrong."- Reid confessed and sat next to Morgan- "What if..."

- "No"- Derek stopped him and tapped on his back a couple of times, as a way to shake those thoughts away from his head- "There's no room for "what if" today, pretty boy. No overthinking and no statistics. You have to be a rock for your wife, ok?"

Spencer widened his eyes, looking at Derek, and nodded. He knew his friend was right. It wasn't time to be scared. It was the time to support his wife, no matter what.

.

- "Ok, Mrs. Reid, let's see if you are ready"- the midwife walked in and smiled at (Y/N). She turned to her husband, who stared at her in a weird mix of excitement and panic.

- "Ok, mom,"- the midwife said, happily- "Are you ready to push?"

- "Fuck!!"- though (Y/N) had already the epidural, the pain was excruciating- "Let's do this."

While (Y/N) and her midwife were looking for a comfortable labor position, Reid took a step back and tried to breathe calmly. All the stories of birth going wrong were coming to his mind at the same time. What if the baby came in the wrong position? What if his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck? What if (Y/N) bleed too much? What if her pelvis was too small?

- "Spencer!!"- he heard her yell suddenly, reaching out her hand to him- "I need you."

Those three words were the most powerful he had ever heard before. He held his wife's hand and kissed her forehead.

- "I'm here, I'm with you. Forever, ok?"- (Y/N) nodded and bit her lips tight- "Breath, baby, just breath."

- "I'm trying!!"

- "Come on, Mrs. Reid... on three, you can do this!! one, two..."

Spencer counted along with the midwife and held (Y/N)'s hand tight each time she had to push. He wished there was anything else he could do to make her feel better. If Reid could, he would go through the whole process instead of her, only to keep her from being in pain. He couldn't believe his wife was going to make him a dad. It was his whole life's dream, and now, it was about to happen.

- "I can see her head! Just two more pushes! come on!!"

- "I can't"- (Y/N) sighed and closed her eyes, exhausted- "I can't do this, I'm too tired."

Spencer carefully pressed a wet towel on her forehead and kissed her temples.

- "You can do this, buttercup, one more time."- he whispered in her ear.

- "I can't, honey... it's too hard."

- "I know it's hard, and I wish you didn't have to go through all this. But I know you are strong, stronger than me, by far."- Spencer held and kissed her hand. (Y/N) took a deep breath and made her best to push as hard as possible.

- "One more time!! Just one more time, Mrs. Reid"- the midwife said. Spencer kept his eyes locked on his wife and brushed sweetly the hair that covered her face. She looked at him and nodded, closed her eyes, and pushed one last time.

The crying of a newborn had never sounded so sweet. Spencer saw in slow motion how the midwife took his little daughter and placed it on (Y/N)'s chest. He couldn't move. He just looked at that scene with teary eyes, feeling his chest swelling with love.

- "She's so tiny"- (Y/N) whispered- "Hello, Helena, I'm your mommy, and he is your daddy. He loves you so much"- Spencer's chin quivered, and in a second, he was crying. There he was with his family. His wife and his baby. Everything he had ever dreamt of.

Spencer leaned in slowly, kissing his daughter's head carefully.

- "You are incredible"- he whispered to his wife and kissed her too- "I didn't think it was possible, but now I actually love you even more. You just gave me a family."

- "I'd give you everything you ever ask me, Spencer Reid"- she answered and kept her eyes on their newborn- "Just don't ask now, 'cos I'm a little tired..."- Reid smiled and shook his head.

- "With you two here, I've got everything I'll ever need."

[starrywhump]

Enjoy this story with random new ocs that started off as a vent cause disassociating is scary and the worst so I want fictional characters to also deal with it.

“-you…. ok?”

Faintly they recognized a voice, what it was saying was lost on them.

Their eyes were closed. The darkness around them felt big, like a vast world. One that was easier to be in right now. Unless they focused really, really hard, they couldn't tell there was any world other than that darkness.

They weren't thinking anything but felt completely lost in thought, it was like something hadn't quite worked right. Some switch didn't flip at the right time and they were daydreaming as an action but there was no dream in their head.

The sensation of the ground below them, hot air around them, they could feel it perfectly but at the same time, none of it felt real.

Their brain kept almost working it all out, never quite getting to a solid conclusion before starting over again from scratch.

Even that feeling of being unsure they were unsure about, as soon as they thought they were almost sure about it, they never quite got there.

"Are you ok?"

There was that voice.

There was a weight on their arm, after some amount of time they couldn't quite identify, they realized it was a hand.

The hand wrapped around their forearm.

"Is there someone I can call for you?"

The voice seemed louder, it filled the darkness. Not lighting it but occupying all the space that was there. It almost hurt.

The air around them was hot, and there was solid ground under their feet.

At some point the ground moved, it was solid under their back. The air was still hot and around them.

They didn't remember the ground moving.

Their head was pounding now, that was a change. It hurt.

It hurt really bad. When had that happened?

It was like they blinked and fell asleep for a few moments, or minutes or some amount of time where the ground had moved and their head had started hurting.

There was still that weight on them, more places now. Hands.

They also realized someone had been talking this whole time, they only noticed it just now.

It sounded like the voice was worried but they didn't know what it was saying.

The darkness was stronger now and the voice couldn't get inside it.

It was just them and that big void.

And when they finally got too tired, it was just the void.

*********

When they woke up, they woke in a way that felt completely different.

They snapped out of something that immediately brought about a panic of how long had they been trapped in it.

They shot up quickly, causing their head to swim. For a moment they were sure they'd throw up but with a hand over their mouth, they managed to stifle the feeling.

They looked around, careful not to turn their head too quickly. They were in a bed, basic pine frame, plaid sheets. The walls were wood paneling. A simple wooden chair was next to the bed, turned towards it like someone had been watching them sleep.

It sent a shiver down their spine. Their head felt clearer than it had in a while. Then again they weren't sure how they even knew that, because as hard as they tried they couldn't remember it ever feeling clearer, or less clear, or... anything for that matter.

No, they remembered, they were sure. They just couldn't get to the memories, not right now.

They had to get somewhere safe, then they would be able to remember. Right now they had to get somewhere safe.

They turned and dropped their legs off the side of the bed, pushing themselves up to stand.

Distantly they heard a noise, a thunk.

Their face hurt, their nose specifically.

They were on the ground, when had that happened?

They felt tears well up in their eyes, they didn't know how long they just lost. This didn't feel right, there was something wrong with them.

"Hey woah, are you ok? I didn't uh, think you'd get up so soon, yourself."

Hands were on them.

The voice was familiar, vaguely.

"I'm- I'm fine."

That voice was even more familiar, it was so weak they were almost sure it couldn't be theirs, but the scratch in their throat as they talked proved it had to be.

There was a laugh. It was a nice sound.

"Are you sure about that now?"

The hands gripped them firmly, helping them up to a sitting position.

They let themselves be moved, too weak to resist. They forced their eyes open.

A man was crouched in front of them, loose brown curls. His eyes were crinkled warmly.

He smiled as they looked at him, "There you are love, are you ok?"

"Who-" their voice cracked, turning into a weak cough. They tried and failed to speak again. Their throat felt like sandpaper.

The guy shushed him gently, "It's ok, I understand. My name is Theo. I found you wandering around outside, just walking through a field. There isn't much around here, you must have walked for a while. You slept for like 40 hours. I'm going to help you back up on the bed ok?"

Theo helped them up again, guiding them to rest back against the pillows.

"Here," he handed them a glass of water from the side table.

They took it with shaky hands, and be began to gulp it down. Their throat was so dry it hurt at first, but slowly it began to soothe the painful scratchy feeling.

"What happened? To you, I mean. Why were you out there?"

The idea of lying came to their head, they didn't want to tell this stranger any important information.

But it was hard to try and lie when you don't know what's actually true. They couldn't remember anything to lie about.

"I-I..."

"It's ok love, you don't need to tell me. Can I at least get your name?"

That was a safe enough question, they could answer that.

If only they could remember the answer.

"I don't, uh I don't know," their voice was still hoarse, but the pain talking caused was now bearable.

Theo's eyebrows dropped a little, "oh. Well, that's... ok. That's alright, don't worry about it. Everything's going to be ok."

They doubted that. This wasn't normal, people were meant to remember things, about their life, and their name.

"I- I can't remember... anything," their distrust of the man before them was overshadowed by their growing panic, "I can't, what my life was, or what I was- I c-can't," their breathing quickened. Saying it out loud made it so much more real, but they couldn't stop, "I don't know who I am. What's my- who am I? What's my name?" Their voice cracked with held-back tears.

"Ok, ok," Theo held his hands out placatingly, "I don't know, I'm sorry. I wish I could help more. Take a breath, alright? It will be ok. You're safe, you have all the time in the world to figure this out. You can stay here as long as you need."

"I don't know, and I want to. Everything... hurts, it hurts and there has to be a reason, I have to have a name!" They tried to jump off the bed and were easily restained by Theo's hand pushing them back down onto the bed.

"You do have a name. Everyone has a name love, and we'll figure out yours. But right now, you need to relax. You're hurt, you said it yourself, let's deal with that ok? I could only do so much while you were sleeping, let's get you patched up. Get some food in you, it must have been a while since you had a good meal."

They stopped struggling, a few tears silently made their way out of their eyes. Resting sounded amazing, honestly. But even if they tried to they wouldn't be able to quiet the nagging feeling that they were missing something, something important could be happening and they just couldn't remember.

[percywinchester27]

A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-40)

Word count: 4.8K

Pairing: Sam X Reader AU

Warnings: Fluff, angst, feels, sickness

Series Summary: Y/N Y/L/N is eager and honestly, still in awe that she managed to get herself an acceptance from Stanford Law School. On the face of it, her life seems as put together, mysterious and independent as one might hope for. On the insides, she carries the burden of past that haunts her till date. Seemingly, she’d left it all behind; that is until she sets foot in the class of the Law School’s youngest, most promising professor.

A/N: The story employs two different timelines. The present timeline for the story takes place in 2014. Please let me know what you guys think :)

Beta: @deanssweetheart23​​. You’re a Rockstar <3

A lot like ‘Us’ masterlist

No one talked to you today, the whispers though, had escalated. No one was bothering to keep it quiet either. Not just your classmates, even the faculty kept giving you looks, ranging from distrust to pity. Professor Whitman, who never cared much about anything, took a whole minute to find you in the class and give you a once over, like he was seeing you for the first time- Sam Winchester’s flighty wife, back to ruin his life again.

The judgement you could take. The pity was painful. What did they see? A girl who couldn’t appreciate a good man? Or as much as you hated to think of it that way- a girl who couldn't be a mother again.

It came as a surprise when Jody called you to her office after the class. When you followed her in, she closed the door behind and unexpectedly pulled you into a hug.

“I’m sorry about all of this, Y/N,” she said. “It’s awful.”

You waited for her to let go of you then asked, “How much trouble is Sam in?”

Jody pursed her lips. “I want to say, ‘not much’ but we’ll only know on Monday, I suppose.”

“Are you part of the enquiry committee?”

She nodded. “All of the freshman faculty panel is on there. You have nothing to worry about, Y/N. Your grades are impeccable. You can’t possibly be sleeping with all of us.”

“I’m not even sleeping with Sam!” You let out, frustrated. “And I’m more worried about what happens to him.” You were a student. The most they could do is sack you from the students committee and bump down your grades. 

Jody regarded you for a moment. “The two of you are so similar. It’s uncanny.”

She sighed. “I’ll be upfront with you, Y/N. As much as I’ve tried to shake them, Sam’s priorities are set. Even absent, you were very high up on that list. With you in front of him, there are very few things Sam wouldn’t give up for you.”

You already knew that. But was it right to let him make all those sacrifices for someone as undeserving as you?

The thought plagued you after you’d left Jody’s office, just as it had plagued you for the past two days. Outside, you ran into Madison.

“Oh, I was looking for you,” she said. “Sorry, I missed the first few lectures, but I have news for you. One good, one bad.”

“Bad one first,” you said, apprehensive. 

Madison made a face. “Starting the day after tomorrow, I have no place to live.”

“What? Didn’t you have a lease for the whole year?”

“Lacey is screwing someone, who knows someone else who knows the hostel director. And, well, long story short, my lease got prematurely terminated.”

Anger flared inside you again. This was happening to Madison only because she was staunchly standing with you. 

“I want you to come house hunting with me. My brother’s agreed to help me out with the money. So, I’m good to go.”

The idea popped up in your head immediately. “Why don’t you move in with me?” 

Her eyebrows knitted together. “Meg?”

“Meg’s almost moved out next door. I was supposed to put out an add for a roommate but with everything that’s going on…” Convincing Meg to continue with the move had been very difficult. She thought it was some sort of betrayal to leave you by yourself in all this mess. Cas supported her on that. However, everyone was camping in your living room anyway. 

Ultimately, you had to put your foot down and tell her to move her ass out. Your life might always remain a tragedy. It shouldn’t pause her or Cas’s life. She had still slept on your sofa last night.

“You’re serious?” Madison was trying her best to contain her excitement.

“As a heart attack.”

She let out a loud squeal and tackled you. “This is the best thing ever. We’ll be roomies!”

“Not if you call me that.”

Madison’s laughter rang out in your ears. “Now you’ve already offered. You can’t take it back, roomie.”

“Wait, what’s the good news?” 

Her face split into a huge grin. “I heard from the HR at Acton Gris. They won’t hire me as an intern. But she asked me to apply for the position of summer associate next year. She said my chances looked great.”

“That’s wonderful!”

“Yes! I’m thinking of applying for an on campus job this year.”

Madison was sincere, smart and she worked very hard. No wonder good things were in store for her. “Let me talk to Molly today. See if she has some inside intel on vacancies.”

“You’d do that?” Madison couldn’t stop beaming and you smiled right along with her. “The world is a much better place with you in it.”

Not everyone thought that. Following the pattern of the past few days, Rebecca decided to show her face again after the lecture. You had been expecting her at this point. Maybe she couldn’t sleep without venting off her frustration on you. As usual, she had Lacey next to her, who really had gone fully darkside.

“Missing your Professor?”

You saw Madison start, but Rebecca put in. “Oh, stop being her Lapdog, Maxwell. You don’t have to rollover each time she blows a whistle.”

“It’s alright, Maddie,” you said in a calm voice. “As it happens, I do miss him very much.”

“I hope at least the sex was worth it,” said Lacey.

You grinned at her. “Mind-blowing, actually. I remember this one time, I was screaming his name for literal hours. God, the things that man can do. It’s in-credi-ble.” You drew out the last word with a relish.

Lacey’s jaw dropped.

Rebecca recovered quickly. “Christ! You’re shameless. That man’s married with a son. Have you got no shame at all?”

“Weren’t you the one making out with Sam at Maddie’s birthday party in the bar restroom?” You shot back. “I remember you described the bit about feeling his abs in extreme details. He wore his wedding ring around his neck. So how are you not shameless?”

Rebecca’s face reddened in an instant. “What… how…?”

“Doesn’t feel so good when the finger is pointed at you. Right, Rebecca? When you’re the one being put on a spot and your character is being brought into question. It was okay for you to make out with a professor. Why are the rules so different for me?”

“I- I was drunk that night. And I never slept with him!”

“Don’t you dare paint him in that light. As if you were some drunk woman he took advantage of in a toilet cubicle.” You spat. “You’re so desperate that you don’t think twice about lying over something so demeaning. You didn’t touch Sam because at 2 in the night, he wasn’t even there in that bar. So shut that bullshit.”

There was a crowd gathered around you now, and she didn’t like her words coming back to bite her.

“How do you know where Sam was that night?” Rebecca questioned, clearly baffled and out of her element, but trying to salvage the situation and save face.

You rolled your eyes. “We’re having an affair, remember? Keep up, Rebecca. You filed that complaint. Also, don’t worry about his wife, really. She totally doesn’t mind.” You winked.

The murmur around you was starting to intensify. You didn’t know how long it would be before the actual story came out. Or if it ever would come out. Neither did you care. You didn’t owe an explanation to any of these people. 

Rebecca breathed out harshly, and spoke through her teeth, contempt dripping in each word. “You’re disgusting. That child of his-”

“Don’t. Don’t utter a word about that boy,” you hissed, the anger finally burning through. “You’ve done enough harm to Sam’s reputation. But I swear to God, Rebecca, you’ll live to regret it if you so much as dare to think about Max, you deplorable excuse of a living thing.”

The warning was so raw, she flinched back from you as you stormed out. 

Madison did not follow you to the library. She knew when you wanted to be left alone. Attacking Sam was one thing, but you really did want to rip Rebecca’s throat for wanting to bring Max in the middle of it. The fierce protectiveness you felt for him was like nothing else you had experienced before. 

Throughout the following hour, you kept glancing at the door of the library, expecting Max to walk in. Sam had said he would visit. 

Maybe you would ask him to read out to you today. If anything, that could fix your mood.

“Umm… Y/N?”

You looked up to see Molly standing over you. 

“Hey. I didn’t see you there.”

She shuffled from one foot to the other looking at you awkwardly.

You squared your shoulders, realising what she might’ve heard. “Anything you want?”

“I- I wanted to say sorry.”

That brought you up short. “Why?”

Molly ran her fingers through her red hair. “I didn’t know you were… you know… Sam’s wife, and I said horrible stuff to you the other day.”

It hadn’t actually been that horrible. 

“I’d heard the rumours but I swear I didn’t believe a word. Then I ran into Chase Lincoln yesterday. He told me.”

“Everything?”

Molly nodded sadly. “It was wrong of me to make assumptions, Y/N. What happened in Sam’s life was none of my business. And for the reason you left to be so horrifying? I could have never imagined. I’m really, really sorry. I don’t know how to apologize.”

“Stop saying sorry,” you said at once. “I know you’ve always meant well for Sam and for me, Molly. Everyone likes to gossip. It’s no big deal. You didn’t hurt or offend me.”

“There must be something I can do, novia.”

“Never bring it up again. Please. Let’s just forget that conversation happened.”

You saw her eyes start to fill up. “Take the rest of the week off, yeah? Come back Monday.”

“You’re low on staff already.” You did not want anyone’s sympathy.

“I’m not doing this for you,” she said. “Spend the weekend with Sam. He’ll need a distraction more than ever before that hearing on Monday. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Molly disappeared into the librarian’s room before the waterworks started. She didn’t want you to see her tear up so you didn’t follow her in, continuing with your sideways glances at the door. The sharp ring of your phone made you jump.

“Hello?” You answered the unknown number

“Y/N? It’s Alex. Sam left me your number in case of emergencies.” She sounded frantic.

“Is everything okay?” 

“Can you please come over? Max is really sick and… he’s… he’s asking for you.”

*****

Instead of knocking on the door, you straight up punched the security key and barged into the house.

“Max? Alex?”

“Up here!” You heard Alex’s voice. Taking two steps at a time you made it to Max’s room. Your chest contracted, seeing Max in the bed. He was curled up on his side, cheeks wet, face puffy from crying. 

Alex was sitting on a chair next to him, distressed.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, rushing to Max’s side and placing a hand against his forehead. He was burning up.

“I don’t know,” said Alex, “He was fine when I picked him up from school. He said he was feeling sick half an hour ago and now he’s running a fever. I tried calling his usual doctor but it says the number doesn’t exist anymore. He’s been crying and calling out for Sam and... you.”

“Did you try Sam?”

“He’s not reachable.”

“Max, honey, what’s wrong?” You asked as gently as you could. “Do you hurt somewhere?”

He opened his eyes and your heart lurched at the tears in them. “Stomach. My stomach hurts. I want dad.”

“Sam will be home at night. He’ll be with you.” You turned to Alex. “Is he allergic to something?” 

“Not that I know of.”

You were sure he hadn’t had outside food in at least a week, so food poisoning was out.

“Does your body hurt, baby?”

Max nodded slowly, drawing into himself. “And my head.”

“Alex, could you please find the first aid box and get me a thermometer?”

She scampered off to find it, relieved to have someone else take charge of the situation. Keeping one hand on Max’s forehead, you reached out for your purse with the other and pulled out your phone. Thankfully, the number was on the speed dial. He picked up the phone on the second ring.

“Cas, where are you?”

“At the hospital. Everything okay?”

“No. Max is running a high fever. I’d guess around 101. He says he’s feeling sick, and has stomach and body ache.”

There was a pause, then Cas said. “Can you drive him to the hospital? Bring him directly to the paeds ward on the 7th floor. I’ll see you there in fifteen minutes.”

Alex was back with the thermometer. 102.3. Thankfully, she had a license and Claire’s car was in their driveway. You asked her to bring it out front.

After she left, you gently coaxed Max into a sitting position, he looked drowsy and was still sniffling a little. “Honey, listen to me. You’re going to have to deal with a little inconvenience, okay? We’re going to drive you to the hospital very quickly.”

“Hospital?” He mumbled. eyes filling up again. 

“It’s just Cas there,” you soothed him. “You remember Cas, right? We all played jenga together.”

Max opened his mouth to say something, instead his eyes widened and threw up over the front of your sweater and into your lap. 

He started crying immediately. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Your eyes filled up. “It’s okay, baby. It’s no big deal.” You removed the puke covered sweater and used to wipe away the vomit stuck to your jeans. “See, it’s all gone. No need to worry at all.”

The retching had left him weak and shivering. 

“Just stay put a minute.” You hurriedly tossed your sweater in the hamper by the door, and pulled on one of Sam’s overlarge shirts over your T-shirt. Once back, you grabbed Max’s grey blanket and wrapped it around him. Slinging your purse around your torso, you lifted him in your arms and carried into the car that was already waiting at the curb. You held Max close to your chest in the backseat, whispering soft reassurances in his ears. 

Just as Alex pulled up in front of the hospital, Max threw up on you again. It made him cry harder. You realised it was not just humiliating for him, he was missing his dad terribly. 

“Max, honey, it’s totally okay,” you assured him, kissing his brow. “I used to throw up so much as a kid, gran used to call me projectile Y/N. Just puke all around me all the time. Hell, ask your dad. He held my hair when I threw up in the toilet. It’s my jam. And we’ve got a  towel now. Let’s clean you up, okay?”

Thankfully, the blanket wasn’t soiled, so you could keep it around him as you carried him in the lift.

Cas was waiting for you there. He immediately guided you to a bed and laid Max down on it. You started to step back.

“Y/N, don’t go,” Max rasped out. 

“I’m right here, Chirp. I’m not going anywhere, but Cas needs to take a look at you.”

Max still reached out with his hand. You looked at Cas. He gave you a quick nod and you rushed to Max’s side once more, grasping his outstretched fingers tightly. Cas pressed Max’s tummy, asking where exactly it hurt, then checked the temperature again along with the pulse. You watched apprehensively as Cas pulled down Max’s eyelids and asked more questions. Meanwhile, the chills kept getting worse.

“It looks like he’s caught a viral fever. The nurse outside told me it’s been doing a round at the school. We’ve had many kids this week.”

“Why is he throwing up then?”

“It’s probably the phlegm. I don’t think there’s a reason to worry. I’ll give him an IV with paracetamol and nausea suppressants. He’ll feel much better in a few hours.” Cas hesitated. “Maybe you should ask Sam before we start the treatment. Only he can sign off on the papers. You’ll need the details of the health insurance.”

“I can’t get to him. We’ve been trying non-stop.” 

Would Sam want you to make such decisions on his behalf? Max was looking paler than usual and was clearly in pain. You couldn’t wait till midnight to start him on medication. It was killing you to see him hurting like this.

“Screw the insurance. I’ll pay whatever the bill comes out to be… and I’ll sign off on the papers as well.”

Cas gave you an apprehensive look. “Y/N?”

“Look,” you said through your teeth, “I’m still his legal guardian. I have that right. Just start him on the medication. I can’t bear to see him like this.”

“Alright.” Cas said something to the nurse behind him who rushed out and then came back with a syringe. 

“This is going to hurt just a little, Max,” Cas said, flicking at the needle.

You crouched down next to Max’s head. “You’re my brave boy, aren’t you? One little prick and that will be all. You’ll feel so much better afterwards. Can you do that?” 

Max gave you one quick jerk of his neck. “Close your eyes.” He did. 

Cas pushed the needle into the tiny crease of Max’s arm and you flinched, tears pouring down your cheeks. Max did not even make a whimper. The nurse stuck a piece of white tape over the puncture mark after Cas was done.

“You need to swallow these two little tablets,” Cas said, handing them to Max along with a glass of water. Max looked at you and you nodded encouragingly. Without any fuss, he did as Cas said. You hugged Max very tightly to your chest. “You’re the bravest little thing in this world, you know that? And I’m so damn proud of you. You get every cookie you can think of when you feel better, yeah?”

“We’ll keep him here till the nausea subsides,” said Cas. “Once he feels better, you can take him home.”

Cas seemed concerned, but it wasn’t directed at Max- which made you feel better. It was directed at you. “You better sign off on those papers, Y/N.”

“Can you please bring them here?” You pleaded. “I don’t want to leave Max.” The boy in question was still hugging your middle tightly.

“Of course.”

It was with shivering hands that you filled out the form. You stared at the paper for a whole minute before ticking off on the small box in the relationship to the patient column against mother. Max had fallen asleep in your arms and the tears just wouldn’t stop. You knew he was going to be okay, the fever was already coming down and he had stopped shivering. Sweat dewed up on his forehead. 

Occasionally you wiped it off with the back of your sleeve. 

But you were terrified of this feeling- like the world would go dark if a single wrong thing happened to this boy. There was a point in your life when you were ready to own up to this feeling, looking forward to it even- and then you had lost it, along with every other emotion in your heart. Since the day you had met Max, you’d been dancing along the edge of the precipice of this very feeling- this selfless, immense love. Not ready to take the leap. Scared that you’d be shattered if you did.

Were you scared of being a bad mother? Or were you simply scared of being a mother? 

As you sat there, alone, in the small clinical room, with Max softly snoring in your lap, you realised that what you truly feared above and beyond everything was giving in to feeling this love and losing it again. 

If you accepted him as your son, and then something happened to him, you wouldn’t make it out of it alive. Literally. Not accepting Sam’s love and a place in his and Max’s life was not only a product of your doubts and self-hatred. It was a plain survival instinct. The epiphany was so strong, it left you breathless.

You felt a hand against your shoulder. Cas’s blue eyes were sympathetic in their depth. “You can take him home now, Y/N.” He didn’t try to reassure you beyond it. He had a subtle way of comforting without saying the words out loud.

You called Alex again, who had been reading in the waiting room and she drove you back to Max’s place. He’d been asleep through the ride, right until you put him to bed. Insisting that Alex go back home and study for her exams, you stripped down to your tank top, pulled on a pair of Sam’s tracks. After making sure that Max was still out, you cleaned up your clothes, and the mess on the floor and side of Max’s bed. You didn’t dare close the door of the bathroom, lest Max call out to you and you couldn’t answer. 

Taking the chance, you made some chicken soup for him, and only then did you wake him up, gently. 

Max called out for Sam the moment he opened his eyes and your heart broke again. Doing your best to reassure him that Sam was on his way, you cajoled Max into changing out of his dirty clothes and into fresh ones. 

He refused to eat the soup, but with soft insistence, you persuaded him to finish half a bowl of it. 

“You’ll read to me?” He said in a muted, dull voice as you tucked him back in the bed.

“Of course, sweetheart, what do you want me to read?”

“Anything.”

You looked around the room, your eyes landing on the only book over his nightstand. 

“Alright, here we go.” You flipped to the page with a bookmark. “We could not wait for Atticus to come home for dinner, but called and said we had a big surprise for him. He seemed surprised when he saw most of the back yard in the front yard, but he said we had done a jim-dandy job. “I didn’t know how you were going to do it,” he said to Jem, “but from now on I’ll never worry about what’ll become of you, son, you’ll always have an idea...”

*********

It was stupid and incredibly irresponsible on Sam’s part to let his phone drain out completely. Even worse, he’d left it to charge in the meeting room and forgotten to check it in the next couple of hours while he met with the children in the boy’s home. He came back to 17 missed calls and 23 text messages- from Alex and Y/N. 

Max was sick and he’d had no idea.

Sam had frantically called first thing after going through the texts. Y/N had picked up only to whisper that Max was better and asleep, and that Sam needn’t worry. For the next five hours, Sam worried ceaselessly anyway. It drove Chase up the wall, but he played his music loudly in the car all the way till Sam dropped him off and didn’t point out how Sam was a total maniac. 

The clock on his dashboard blinked 1:22 as he made the bend to his house.

Sam parked the car all wrong in the driveway, barely giving it a second thought before running inside. He should’ve been quieter, knowing Max was asleep, but the anxiety barely kept his legs moving. He would have continued at the same rate through Max’s door if the scene before him hadn’t made him stop.

On the bed, Max was sleeping peacefully. He was dressed in a thin cotton t-shirt, the lower half of his body was covered in his blanket. That wasn’t what made Sam stop. Y/N was curled up beside him, her arm thrown around Max, who was nextled so comfortably in her embrace that he belonged there. Max’s book was balanced over Y/N’s hip, wedged open on the page she had been reading out of. On the nightstand, stood a bowl of cold soup, half empty, along with water and strips of medicine. The table on Y/N’s side held a cooking pot filled with water and a washcloth lay dipped in it. She’d been nursing him- from fever or the sweat, Sam couldn’t say.

Slowly, he walked up to Max, and very very carefully placed the back of his hand on his forehead. No fever. 

Sam looked about himself. The floor was strewn with Max’s clothes that smelled like he had been sick over them. Sam picked up the clothes and carried them to the washing machine. Inside was already a dry load of clothes that belonged to Y/N and him. So Max had thrown up on her. More than once.

Sam knew from the messages that Y/N had taken Max to the hospital- had her friend, whom she trusted implicitly take a look at his son, signed the papers as his guardian and paid the bill out of her pocket.

The thought occurred to Sam as he undressed for the night. In that last message, Y/N had apologised for signing off on Sam’s behalf, as if he could ever be mad at her for dropping whatever she was doing to look after his son, the way a mother would.

Sam understood now why Max had thrown a fit when Sam had forbidden him from seeing Y/N. It had hurt Sam that he couldn’t be enough for Max, that Max was looking for something more in Y/N. But seeing them together now, Sam could see he had been completely wrong. Max wasn’t asking something more, he’d been asking for what already belonged to him- Y/N’s love. Max had been right all along.

Sam pulled the covers and duvet off his bed and dragged to Max’s room where he laid them out at the foot of Max’s bed, so he’d be sleeping next to him on the floor. An alarm started going off on Y/N’s phone, and Sam jumped to turn it off. It was already 2 O’ clock. She had set successive alarms for every hour of the night, Sam presumed to check on Max. Sam turned off all of them. He was home now, he could take care of it. 

He checked Max’s temperature once more- still normal- and then bent down to place a kiss on his forehead. It was almost November. Max always had bouts of viral or flu in the cold months. He should have foreseen it. If Y/N hadn’t been around…

The expression on her face was so peaceful as she held onto his boy, tears sprang into Sam’s eyes. This was everything he wanted in his life. Everything. Right in front of him. He bent down once more and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. She didn’t wake at his touch, but adjusted herself closer to Max on the tiny bed, the book falling off her hip with a soft thud onto the thick carpet. 

Sam lay down on the floor, thinking of a night very long ago when Y/N had fallen asleep on the  sofa in his house, back in Lawrence. He’d read to her from this very book that night- for the first time. Sam had slept besides her on the floor that night as well. A writer would have called the parallel poetic… but Sam saw it for what it was, shrouded in a mist of uncertainty all around him- a haunting ache inside his soul.

He couldn’t thank her for what she’d done for his Max today- not only would that gesture be insufficient, it would be insulting. No, Sam wouldn’t thank her. Instead, he would check up on Max every hour, make her breakfast in bed, and iron her clothes before she woke up, so she wouldn't be late for classes tomorrow. He would pack her a lunch and kiss her goodbye at the door. Maybe she would see through him and understand how incredibly grateful he was for today… and how tragically hopeful he was for the future, when he could do these simple things everyday without the excuse of an unsaid thank you.

“I love you, Darling,” he whispered. “It can only ever be you.”

*****************************

A/N 2: It’s been a hard, awful few days. I must be made up of stronger stuff than I thought I was.

Please do let me know if you liked this part. Reblogs and comments are very much appreciated. 

Five more chapters to go!

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[reynie-muldoons]

'The Dance of the Celestial Orb' liveblog!

for real this time lmfao

book and show spoilers below

I'm ✨nervous✨ please let our children be okay

0:10 this Sticky arc hurts me so kuch

1:35 this music is BUMPIN

2:22 I just wanna know how she got under there without the dude seeing her

2:47 "all systems go" for the Improvement.... yikes 😬😬😬

2:55 she didn't wait even 5 seconds after they left, the door was still closing when she popped up 😂 can you imagine if one of them doubled back right at that moment

3:18 they look like the dudes from that veggietales movie, I think it was Esther- the island of perpetual tickling?? Anyone??? 😂😂😂

4:00 Kate vented.......

4:51 "not a rat" yeah no shit

5:07 if not for the suspense, I would be jamming out lmaooo

6:10 Mr. Benedict is looking at the shoreline, is he about to watch Kate dive in???? Because I mean that's where she's gotta be going

6:20 "memory challenges"? Is Rhonda talking about Milligan's amnesia, or has short term memory been affected as well??

6:29 .....thank you for answering so efficiently 😂

6:42 "I buy it. I completely.... buy it." RHONDA THAT'S NOT HELPFUL AHSKSHDJKD

6:56 can you imagine seeing your friend go down in a sub then hours later seeing the sub float up in fucking PIECES

7:06 KATE! KATE! KATE! KATE!

7:06 please let it be reunion time

7:25 oh hello that's a drop

7:38 *to the tune of Bezos I* come on Katie u can do it pave the way put ur back into it

7:51 she craves that mineral

8:06 Sticky, my child

8:20 oh my gosh they went out and LOOKED FOR HER I care them 😭😭😭

8:23 SHE KNEW HIS DREAM SHE KNEW HIS DREAM TELEPATH TELEPATH TELEPATH

8:34 STICKY STOPPPP

8:40 "jumping to conclusions is a failure of character" wow that really is something Curtain would say

8:52 angry Reynie. He is in rare form

8:54 "and you helped put her there!" OOOOOOOH I SCREAMED

9:03 "I shouldn't have yelled" okay but you kinda should have Sticky needs a wake up call

9:06 "dont apologize. I like this side of you." IS THIS THE START OF REYNIE AND CONSTANCE HAVING THE BEST SIBLING RELATIONSHIP

9:22 "if you really cared about me, you'd want me to be happy instead of standing there telling me who I am" oh Sticky my dude I am NOT digging the manipulation

9:36 Reynie pulling out the BFF card!!! Also Reynie digging in his feet because he knows he's right!!!! That's great setup for his arc as a strategist later

9:48 "I'm telling you, Kate's fine." Narrator: Kate was not, in fact, fine.

10:03 "they'll notice." Sticky has made one (1) good point.

10:11 oh dear god are they fingerprinting this bitch

10:19 all this equipment, has no one walked up to the cliff and looked down???

10:23 HAHAHAHA WAIT THEY ACTUALLY HAVEN'T

10:27 "we've been out here all night" that means Kate has been clinging to a cliff by her fingers and toes ALL NIGHT????

11:04 babe I know it's been a long night but maybe wait a second for them to actually leave before you climb back up

11:15 BUCKET NO

11:22 she has to go get it. There's no way someone wouldn't find that shit, it's in plain view

11:37 "WAS"???? WHY ARE WE SAYING WAS????? NO PAST TENSE HERE MILLIGAN'S FINE

11:43 "I only wish we could've known him better" NOOOPE NONONO WE'RE NOT DOING THIS

11:47 Rhonda back at it as the voice of reason!!!!!

11:59 "I have never met a more competent swimmer" throwback to "the baaAAAYYYY"

12:10 MR. BENEDICT'S FACE HAHAHAHA HOLD ON LET ME TAKE A PICTURE IM DYING

12:11 NUMBER TWO, NOT HELPING

12:14 RHONDA'S FACE HAHENDJDKDN

12:33 "we will go rescue him" because of COURSE he would

12:36 Rhonda is his best wingwoman omfg she's so consistent

12:54 MISS PERUMAL??????

12:56 MISS PERUMAL!!!!!!

13:00 SHE KNOWS HE'S RIGHT GAKSHDBDHEKSNND

13:09 "how hard can it be? It's an island!" PFFFFT

13:16 oh SQ baby boy please get out of there

13:25 "I certainly have my own suspicions" he said, looking at SQ why are you looking at SQ like that

13:31 SQ GET OUT OF THERE PLEASE IS2G

13:36 here we fuckin go

13:43 the captions have the f in forest capitalized like it's this special place

13:43 new hc that the Forest is a magical place like pixie hollow

13:57 TWO THINGS: 1. YES stand up for yourself baby!!!! 2. Shepard Quaid? Interesting! I don't think we ever got SQ's full name in the books, I hope TLS made that decision!

14:08 your "father hat"??? Oh my gosh shut the fuck up right there don't even continue

14:16 oh yeah real fuckin cute put on your "steward of this institution hat" and call that a good reason to be a shit person

14:43 "No." GOOD FOR HIMMMM GOOD JOB SQ

15:03 Kate's struggling right by the shore where a certain someone would be returning after a very hard swim, it would be a great time for a meeting wouldn't you think

15:09 KATE THE GREAT

15:11 "THE TRAPESE GODDESS" I WILL REFER TO HER AS NOTHING ELSE

15:26 sorry but that green screen of her falling was kinda funny

15:28 soooooo is someone, a very certain someone, gonna catch her...??????

15:36 YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

15:43 IS THIS IT????@?@?!?

15:46 awww poor baby girl you can tell how tired she is

15:46 just putting this out there- they look so good in frame together

15:46 the actor who plays Milligan is fucking huge in stature so I wasn't sure how that would go but it looks so good

16:00 THE WAY HE'S LOOKING AT HER WITH HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER I CANT DO THISSSSS

16:20 "keep going." 😭😭😭😭😭

16:23 "you dont understand." Ohhhh I think he does

16:25 "I think I do." What did I tell you, he's got your back babygirl

16:45 I'm so glad she's talking this out, and with Milligan of all people

17:01 it makes so much sense for Kate to feel alone in that situation, and when Kate feels anything less than positive she goes and does something, whatever that something is.

17:05 "So.. I...." "fell off a cliff and nearly died." Thanks for putting things into perspective Milligan

17:05 Milligan is such a good dad stop

17:19 "most of the way" is an understatement LMFAO

17:29 I'm so glad we know the intimate details of Milligan's illustrious swimming abilities 😂 out of all the new things wfrom the show that one wasnt on my radar

17:52 leave it to Milligan to come up with an escape plan off of an island with no water vessel with four kids in tow

18:08 THEYRE SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭

18:08 lowkey I'm super surprised they didnt take this opportunity to have Milligan's arduous swim force his memories out and have the father daughter bonding time they deserve. I hope they give that moment ample time to flesh out.

18:13 BUCKET!!!

18:13 wait that shot is so artsy hold up lmfao

18:13 this looks like someone's photography final hahahaha

18:26 THE TENDER MUSIC STOPPPP 😭😭😭

18:41 Sticky is still on that jumping to conclusions bs he got from Curtain

18:44 WETHERALL'S WIDGET 😭

19:31 "Kate... she's in danger..." NO SHIT SHERLOCK

19:36 "and it's all because of me." Not just because of you but love to see you taking responsibility

19:52 once again I am asking WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IN THE OPEN

20:26 "Kate. She has changed." "Not really. She's always been who she is." "Her clothes. She changed clothes." PFFFT HAHHAHA they really took a moment of self-reflection and made it so much better

20:55 AYYYYY KATE'S DEPENDENCY ARC CONTINUESSSSS

21:35 yikes yikes yikes

22:16 I love that Mr. Benedict got closure in telling Miss Perumal that her words stuck with him

22:40 the way she just knows Reynie took the position of leader 😭😭

22:54 SHE WROTE HIM A LETTERRR

23:02 "Would it be possible to get this to him?" Ma'am what part of undercover spy don't you get

23:54 it's still really weird that we are now in a position where Reynie is the one who is not trusted and Sticky is the one in Curtain's favor

24:13 and here we see Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues shining through

24:21 "the little things matter. Every minor detail, it all matters!" CALLBACK TO MR. BENEDICT TELLING THE CHILDREN THAT THEY ALL MATTER

24:55 "I can tell with complete accuracy when a person is lying." first of all, no. second of all, I cannot wait for him to talk to Constance.

26:33 why is Mr. Benedict graphically explaining the children's potential trauma so funny to me

26:40 "you're catastrophizing." "Yes. I am. Quite severely. Thank you." WHY IS THIS FUNNY

26:58 MADGE!!!!

27:16 she's so prettyyyyy

27:33 GOOD JOB MADGE!!!!!

27:36 wait did she just take the LETTER??? she's delivering the LETTER?????

28:05 WHAT DOES "OKAY FINE" MEAN??? REYNIE??????

28:22 it's sad because it's true 🥺

28:24 "I miss my teacher from the orphanage" the best lies are the ones rooted in truth 🥺🥺🥺

28:48 roll credits

29:16 Reynie honey Orion's Belt isn't on the ceiling

29:29 the way he was so confident that he had it right 😑 Curtain Stop Being a Pretentious Fuck challenge

29:52 our babygirl is so smartttt

29:55 did Milligan plant his prints 😳 oh no OH NO

29:57 MARTINA???? WHATSUEJHDKD

29:57 is this the replacement for when they pin cheating on her????

30:03 THE KEY CARD!!!!

30:11 MADGEEEE

30:21 "one attacked me as a small child" honey you are a small child

30:24 "it did not win," she said, smiling menacingly

30:40 "so we dance again" WHY DID THE MUSIC REV UP WHEN SHE SAID THAT HAHAHAHA

31:01 ✨woodworking is a passion✨

31:58 "was it functional?" "Well I guess that depends on how you define functionality" RHONDA'S FACE IN THE BACKGROUND HAHAHAHA

32:10 OH HEY MARTINA

32:17 wait 🥺

32:22 that has to be SQ :)

32:28 hi sweet boy

32:34 please tell me they did that shot of the sandwich because Madge is about to take it

32:39 LMFAOOOOO

32:44 hi good girl!!! Enjoy your snackies

32:50 oh god oh no the LETTER

33:25 oh wow we're doing this NOW??

33:52 and here we see another example of Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues bubbling to the surface

34:10 hey what if you uhhh weren't such an asshole

34:33 that man's voice is buttery

34:52 REYNIE'S TRYING TO TELL SQ????

35:02 and they're talking about this right in front of the office door, WHY??

35:24 AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OFFICE DOOR, WHY????

35:55 he's letting him go 🥺🥺🥺🥺

36:14 why does that look like a body bag

36:17 oh my gosh it definitely is a body bag, hey Martina

36:25 yep, that's about what I expected

36:36 "whoever did this to me, they're gonna pay" oh girl do I have some bad news for you

37:12 ahhhh, so Martina is the burnt out gifted kid who keeps going out of spite and sheer force of will

37:12 everything makes much more sense now

37:30 ohhhhh my gosh feelings time

37:44 "I think it's awesome." "Yeah. I know you do." THE SHIPPERS ARE THRIVING

37:54 THEY REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE HUH

38:10 "it's the least I can do" that's an understatement 😬

38:14 AAWWWWW SHKSHSLSBDK

38:20 "I don't know what I'd do without you, Wetherall" STOPPPPP

38:30 HEY BUD UH MAYBE CLOSE YOUR DOOR???

38:38 he's been writing letters to her every night and now he finally gets one back 😭😭

39:34 so Miss Perumal wrote this letter with the intention of it being sent to him, right- why did she write it like that?? 😂

39:34 they've gone to such lengths to communicate in code but the letter kind of undermines that- it was written in such a way that an onlooker would know Reynie was a spy but wouldn't know what he was doing or why. No wonder SQ was pissed

39:41 KATE!!

40:10 BREAKING NEWS: local bastard man treats everyone like shit

40:15 ohhhhh SQ bud please be careful

40:30 "always have time for my son," he said in a clipped voice that implied that he does not have time for his son

40:35 ohhh he's getting RIGHT INTO IT HUH

40:41 you mean to tell me he's never asked about Mr. Curtain's work?? Ever???? Somehow that doesn't seem right to me

40:57 hey uh what if you didn't talk down to SQ at every opportunity

41:02 "would you care to reconsider that answer, son?" "No." DIG THOSE HEELS IN SQ!!!!

41:22 I'm really not digging that Curtain is using the guise of openly expressing his feelings to communicate his anger and his unasked question. Not cool bitch head

41:33 the fact that he didn't answer SQ's spoken question kind of also answers his unspoken question

41:45 "I knew there was something off about that girl. But espionage?" "How do you so convincingly fake a tetherball obsession?" I love that this entire conversation could be about Martina or Kate interchangeably

42:34 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD

42:36 IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO FIND WITH BINOCULARS HOW HAD THEY NOT BEEN SPOTTED UP UNTIL THIS POINT?!!?#? HOW????

43:05 Kate advocating for Martina with the Society 🥺🥺 the interaction I didn't know I needed

43:58 "I definitely don't like to leave anything unfinished." "That's true, I've seen you eat." PFFFFT

44:05 YESS YOU GO STICKY USE YOUR ACCESS FOR PRIME INTEL

44:19 "well, you can't succeed without me, so..." baby girl you have no idea how right you are

44:28 please let that be Milligan PLEASE LET THAT BE MILLIGAN

44:32 YEAAAAAHHHHH

44:35 I simply adore him

44:45 "would you mind helping me down, please? I'm stuck." Your honor I would die for this man

44:54 oh shit, Martina's tryna sleuth it out herself.. this can't end well

45:04 is she about to find Kate's marbles or something?? Callback to the book?

45:26 the absolute MURDER in her eyes

45:31 FUCKIN YIKES

45:41 "the clothes of someone who had given up" ASEJDGEIDNDLFK

45:47 well that's not good

46:00 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD

46:04 PLEASE let them be on their way already, please

46:14 THEY MADE A BLIMP????

46:17 Goodyear is QUAKING

46:35 why the fuck is Number Two in red, that's upsetting on principle

THEYRE JUST ENDING IT THERE???? goddamnit!!!!

How surreal is it that next week is the finale?? Idk if I'm ready for that????

[ladyc0312]

A Jikook Guide to RunBTS: 66-80

Things in this batch start out a little slow, KM-wise, but seriously pick up around the Toronto episodes. It features the episodes where both RM and Jin ask if JK and JM are a couple, so it includes the giggly hand-push game that helped make me a jikook believer! 

As usual, let me know if I’ve missed anything or should take another look at something. :)

Ep 66 "BTS in a Comic Book Cafe Part 1" (Ep: 2 / KM: 1)

The one that I can’t help but feel would be more fun if I was more familiar with the comics involved, but the guys make it cute anyway

3:08 - This is a little hard to see because they use weird angles and cuts, but JK sings a piece of a theme song and JM catches his eye and sings with him.

9:23 - JK leans in over JM's shoulder to see how many people are on the comic book page

10:18 - JM does the same when it's JK's turn

BEHIND 10:29 - JM jokes around with JK and does the playful chest tap thing

Ep 67 "BTS in a Comic Book Cafe Part 2" (Ep: 3 / KM: 1)

None

BEHIND 7:28 - JM asks JK if there's a comic book he wants and says he'll buy it for him if so

Ep 68 "Heart Pang" (Ep: 1 / KM: 0)

The one where I can't for the life of me understand the board game they are playing

None. 

Ep 69 "BTS in Toronto Part 1" (Ep: 4 / KM: 5)

The Toronto one where Jikook wear matching denim shirts while going to Niagara Falls, getting lunch, and playing games

2:36 - RM says there are certain people who will struggle with the wake up challenge. JK and JM readily seem to admit it's them. 

6:29 - JM hangs back (to walk with JK?) when the rest of the group starts heading for the Falls.

8:06 - There's a "teleporting" moment where Jin is in between JM and JK, then the camera cuts away, then it comes back and jikook are next to each other. They stay next to each other as they walk on.

9:52 - You can see jikook interacting in the background.

12:25 - JM takes a photo of JK and gets him to giggle, then they huddle to look at the pic.

13:56 - JM puts his arm around JK and takes a selca in the background, causing RM to ask "what, are you a couple or something? Both wearing denim shirts?" He says it fairly seriously for a line that seems like it's supposed to be a joke and they don't laugh or say anything in response - it looks like JM looks away and flips his hair while JK shifts and awkwardly rubs his forehead. You can also see a quiet exchange after between RM and JM where RM says no to something, then nods at JK. Unclear if it's related, but including it just in case. 

15:25 - JK doesnn't try to distract JM while he did the staring contest like he did with Hobi. When Jimin passes, JK is the only one to clap. 

18:04 - Quick moment where you can see JK start to rub the arm of JM's shirt before the camera cuts away.

18:50 - JM laughs and touches JK's chest after JK loses the rocks paper scissor game, too.

19:53 - When the other five walk away and JK is doing something with his mic, we don't see where JM is.

22:02 - JK appears to help JM with something with his camera in the foreground.

BEHIND 4:12 - After JHope scolds JK for letting Suga pour everyone's water, JK goes to pour JM some water, then puts the pitcher down. JM seemingly tries to help him out by saying it's a new trend for the oldest to pour water. 

Ep 70 "BTS in Toronto Part 2" (Ep: 3 / KM: 5)

The Toronto one where the guys go shopping, pick beds, and play games

1:15 - JK slows down to walk side by side with JM.

2:00 - When JK messes up the game he was confident he'd win, JK laughs and playfully shoves at his chest.

7:23 - When JK loses a game and has to buy the others hoodies, JM sneaks a hat into the pile while JK has his back turned. RM rats him out.

8:01 - JM quietly puts the hat back in the pile, then walks over and hugs JK.

8:40 - JK walks over to Jimin to show him something (sunglasses he wanted?).

20:30 - When they're all joking around about whether they can fit four people on a bed, JK moves JM into an L-shape and then lays down nested with him.

BEHIND 0:09 - JK calls out "Jimin-ssi!" and tosses JM that hat he bought him.

4:49 - When the guys are all stretching and JM is in an inconvenient place, JK calls him "Jimin-ssi" again, essentially feels up his calf, and then pushes his upper thigh, all purportedly to get him to move over.

5:28 - JK kneels down behind JM, who's on all fours, and holds his hips to correct his position (I am literally just describing what happens in the clip, but I kind of feel like I'm writing porn, here...). JK then picks Jimin up to move him over a bit. Both giggle as JK starts to stand up and then the camera cuts away.  I can't even begin to think what exercising looks like for these two when there aren't cameras on them...

6:55 - JK reads out the words on the Jimin shirt they're all wearing, which happen to be, "BTS Park Jimin, I love you! I root for you! I'm ARMY!" with a huge grin on his face. Jimin laughs - no one else does - and then jokes that they should wear the shirts back to Korea, prompting JK to tell him "bye!" and wave while giggling. 

7:37 - Jimin shows the parts of the shirt design he would change by poking JK's chest, and then JK and JM share a fairly steamy look until RM interrupts. 

7:52 - JK folds up the shirt so JM's face looks weird and Jimin points to him doing it and laughs. No one else does.  Man, these two were really in their own world this whole Toronto trip, weren't they?

8:02 - JM tries to give JK some advice on the game he's about to play. Before starting, JK starts what seems like it's going to be a silly pose, but ends up being him dragging his fingers down his face, neck, and chest. Sadly for JK, JM wasn't looking. Happily for us, we can look as much as we want. 

8:18 - When JM wins a game, JK claps for him. You can probably guess by now that he's the only one who does. 

10:09 - JM steals a piece of steak, then JK does some cross-cut teleporting to come over and sink down into a chair next to him. JM overdoes making his eyes look big and innocent (perhaps hoping to get caught and scolded?).

10:35 - JM makes Jin move when he takes JM's seat next to JK I feel like just the Behind for this episode needs it's own jikook rating! And most of it is watching JK lead the guys in a workout. If you're going to watch just one Run Behind, consider making it this one!

Ep 71 "BTS in Toronto Part 3" (Ep: 3 / KM: 3)

The Toronto one where the guys have dinner, have breakfast, and play games

14:28 - Maybe nothing, but just to note it - in this and the next shot, you can see JM heading towards where JK is lying back on the couch after losing a game, then there's an abrupt cut and everyone is in a totally different position. 

29:20 - JK tells JM the "super-pancake" he made is for him since he has to do the penalties. 

BEHIND 6:59 - JM says that he thinks JK will want to eat and calls out for him.

Ep 72 "BTS and Mafia" (Ep: 3 / KM: 2)

The one in which we learn that BTS is so terrible at the Mafia game that it almost comes back around to being impressive 

3:10 - When Jin says JK is suspicious because he isn't talking, JM defends him, saying "you know he doesn't talk much." 

8:34 - JM seems to direct his appeal to be spared to JK.

18:16 - JK compliments how well Jimin is doing at the game.

20:13 - After Jimin says he's ARMY, JK asks, "do you like me that much?" Then there's a quick cut and Jin is doing a Jim Halpert face at the camera.

28:03 - Confusing maybe-moment - let me know if it's clearer to anyone else! - but after JH is sending finger heart guns, JM points gun fingers directly at JK for no apparent reason. 

BEHIND 2:39 - Before they start playing, JK predicts that JM and Jin will be good at the game.

Eps 73-76 “Run BTS Drama Parts 1-4″ (n/a)

The ones where BTS spend four episodes making a “comedic” skit

01:09 - After JK explains that he had a wisdom tooth taken out, Jimin adds the info that they had to take out the whole root.  09:10 - Even though V is the "director" of Jimin's scene, JK speaks up and takes over the role, saying that directors use informal language and repeating twice in informal language "Jimin, let's go!" He continues speaking informally when Jimin messes up and JK scolds him.  11:40 - When it's JK's turn to deliver a line and he gets nervous about remembering it, JM reads it out loud for him. He also says as soon as JK delivers the line that he did the best job and adds to Hobi, "he doesn't get embarassed, I told you."  16:26 - It's a little hard to see for sure, but it looks like Jimin votes for JK when it's time to choose who should be the skit's director. I'm going to be totally honest with you guys - I didn't rewatch these episodes past this. I first saw it months ago and remember being disappointed and fairly bored through most of it past the first half of the first episode - I don't find the skit funny and the behind-the-scenes stuff isn't amusing enough to make a four-part episode about. I’m sure there are others who completely disagree with me and no judgment if you don't share my opinion! But I'm doing this guide for fun and I don't want to spend two hours rewatching them. 

I don't recall a ton of jikook beyond the above - I think there's a moment in part 3 where JK is getting tired and Jimin offers to take over slating for him. So, anyone who is a fan and knows / finds more jikook moments, please let me know and I will update this guide to reflect that. Otherwise, let's happily move along. :)

Ep 77 “Food Guest Part 1″ (Ep: 4 / KM: 5)

The weirdly-named ones that are prob better translated as "food connoisseurs" but the specifics of the foods theme don't really matter because JIKOOK  

07:41 - When Jin says JK and JM will be competing in a palm-push game, JM says he's already lost (because JK is strong).

07:55 - I'm fairly certain that, if you're a jikook-er, you've seen this moment. It's so unabashedly flirty a description can't really do it justice.   JK and JM are supposed to be playing a game where they put their palms together and shove to see who can make the other lose their balance. JM shoves lightly at JK's chest before they even start the game, then both start giggling. Still giggly, JM asks if JK's ready and JK says he is. JM pushes at JK's palms and JK just swings his arms back as they look at each other and smile. Jin interrupts to ask, "are you a dating couple?" (that's the most direct translation - V app translation is "are you two together?"). JK and JM both laugh, the latter so hard that he spins around, thus losing the game. 

17:08 - JK is staring so intently at Jimin on his knees with a blow-pen in his mouth that he completely misses RM trying to give him a high five. Jin has to call for JK to please respond to RM before JK looks away and returns the high five, laughing and apologizing. He looks back immediately after. 

BEHIND 0:58 - JK gives JM a shoulder massage while holding his chest as JM makes satisfied noises. I've seen this clip in compilations before, but hadn't realized it was also from  this episode. It's really the gift that keeps on giving! 

4:29 - Just prior to the above palm-push game, JM reaches out to do something to JK's sleeve (I think?). The camera cuts before we see clearly.  

4:31 - Slightly different angle of JM and JK giggling at the start of the palm-push game.

7:11 - Reveals that RM actually tried to high five JK and was ignored TWICE before Jin called JK's attention away from JM on his knees with a blow-pen in his mouth. 

Ep 78 “Food Guest Part 2″ (Ep: 3 / KM: 3)

15:00 - JK jokingly asks what the answer is and Jimin giggles at him as the on-screen text says, "how adorable." Unsurprisingly, the others are less enamored. (JK's biggest fans = 1. Jimin  2. Run BTS on-screen text writers)

BEHIND 9:56 - JK watches JM dance playfully, then wiggles his own hips, seeming to want JM's attention. Jimin smiles and starts to say something that gets cut off. 

10:03 - JK films JM as JM dances and smiles while looking into the camera. Jimin is doing silly dance, but JK zooms in on his joyful face. He quickly licks his lips as he watches. 

[kim-miri]

HALF(have a little fun) pt. iii

→ one | two

→ Sayomi Zoldyck is the eldest child and twin sister to Illumi, of the renowned Zoldyck family of assassins. At the age of ten she’s taken away to Meteor City by her mother, Kikyo Zoldyck, unbeknownst to the rest of the family, as well as newborn Killua, and left to fend for herself. This is the story of the long-lost Zoldyck and those she becomes acquainted with, all while she just wants to have a little fun.

» part three / ?

» pairing: eventually - chrollo x oc x feat. hisoka

» warnings: drugs, blood/violence

» a/n: helloo~ this is my first write ever, and it’ll probably be a pretty long series. I’m also balancing school and a part-time job so forgive me for slow updates! If you’re reading this, thank you so much for showing interest and please leave comments below with your inputs!

» word count: 2,948

☾ iii.

Name: Sayomi Zoldyck 小夜美 | "小" is small | "夜" is night | "美" is beauty |

Hair color: White

Eye Color: Purple

Nen: Manipulator (same exact abilities as Illumi)

Abilities: Same as Illumi Zoldyck - Body Alteration, Hypnotic Spell, Corpse Control, Needle People, Katana

☾ iii. part iii: meteor city

Sayomi woke up with a start. 

Her violet eyes flew open as she gasped remembering the past events and how her mother had drugged her.

Attempting to rise from her less than comfortable position on the ground, a nasty stench made her cringe as she gaped at her new surroundings. 

Trash and dumped items made up the entirety of where she sat, as well as everything else she could see from her spot. Most of it was worn down enough to be unrecognizeable, only looking like jagged pieces of material building upon each other.

Standing up in one swift movement, Sayomi stretched out her tired limbs as she tried to grasp the situation she was in. Maybe mother threw me in the junkyard?

It wouldn’t be the first time her mother had tried to dump her somewhere, but Illumi or her father would usually come running for her before she would even have time to recognize her surroundings.

Taking a step forward to start exploring, she paused as she kicked something lying by her feet. 

The item stood out amongst the rust and filth, as it was immaculate and seemed to radiate a familiar aura. A katana?

Tilting her head curiously, Sayomi reached down and grabbed the sheathed weapon. It was indeed very clean and actually seemed brand new. 

Looking it up and down, a silver gleam caught her eye- it was an engraving left on the otherwise black covering. 

‘Sayomi Zoldyck’

A rush of adrenaline ran through her blood as she recognized her own name engraved on the sheath. But why would mother reward me after dumping me in this junkyard?

Thousands of questions and possible scenarios ran through her head, but she pushed them aside with a shake of her head. I might as well play with this to pass the time.

The 10 year old unsheathed her new weapon, getting ready to take a practice swing when a rolled up piece of paper dropped from the katana.

Unravelling the note, Sayomi read it contents without a moment to lose. 

Sayomi,

Welcome to Meteor City. 

I’m sure you recognize the name from the many stories I’ve told you and your brother about my hometown. 

And from those same stories, you should know that those who make it out of the city come back stronger than they’ve ever been before. 

My only daughter, you know how much I cherish you and wish to see you succeed. 

When the time is right, you will find your way back home and claim your rightful spot as heir of the family business.

Until then,

Mother

Meteor City. As the reality of her situation started to sink in, Sayomi found it hard to breath. Whether it was the anxiety starting to take over her brain, or the barely breathable, polluted air of Meteor City, she found herself falling to her knees, nauseous.

☾iii.

Sayomi was desperate. She had been walking alone for close to four hours before traces of civilization began to appear in the distance.

Her wounds were splitting open under the cloth bandages she wore, and dehydration sent black spots dancing across her vision. 

Sayomi remembered something from one of the stories her mother had once told them. It was that the citizens of Meteor City refrained from hostility between one another unless they were threatened first.

With this in mind, Sayomi continued on to the tents and vast pillars of smoke in front of her. 

Clutching her side, which was now bleeding through the wraps Illumi had given her, Sayomi spotted vague figures moving about within the camp.

The sweat dripping into her eyes didn’t help her already blurring vision as she squinted hard to try and identify the faint figures that grew larger as she approached them.

At last within modest range of the camp, one of the members turned to face her. 

One after another the citizens turned from their positions, analyzing the outcast that had stumbled upon their camp.

Struggling to remain upright with her wounds and burning lungs, Sayomi let out a cry of pain before falling to the ground once again, the jagged surface cutting into her ankles.

Several of the figures rushed towards the fallen 10 year old. With caring hands, one of the citizens lifted the girl into her arms, her lightweight figure not being a struggle to carry.

Sayomi looked up at the woman weakly, she was most likely in her 40s, her eyes gray and facial features dull.

At the same time, the woman stared back, seemingly trying to analyze Sayomi’s strong features. She recognized that her slanted violet eyes were far foreign to Meteor City, along with her intricate kimono and katana. How did a child of such status end up here?

Taking Sayomi to her own home within the camp, she treated Sayomi’s wounds and gave her water along with a small portion of food to eat.

The woman had introduced herself once Sayomi was back on her feet. Her name was Rin, and she had been living in Meteor City since she could remember. 

She introduced her husband and daughter as well. Their names being Shota and Ayame respectively. 

Ayame turned out to be two years older than Sayomi. She had ashy brown hair and gray eyes like her mother.

The rest of the community welcomed Sayomi with open arms, not bothering to ask where she came from or why she was here. It seemed they didn’t care.

Though Sayomi was grateful of their hospitality, she was homesick already. Missing the mansion where everything was familiar and made sense.

When night fell on her first day in Meteor City, Sayomi shut her eyes tight from her spot next to Ayame on the floor. It didn’t seem real to her. Just yesterday she had been with her family and everything had been as it always was.

Did everyone want her gone? Not just mother?

Thoughts like these ran through Sayomi’s fragile mind. All this stress at such a young age poisoned the girl’s mind, making her question the validity of those who loved her.

☾iii.

Much like Illumi back at the Zoldyck mansion, Sayomi spent most of her time in Meteor city training.

The environment, as well as occasional gang fights taught Sayomi real fighting, and not the guided sparring she would do back at home. 

Mirroring the techniques she had once seen while shadowing a senior assassin, Sayomi worked towards extending her abilities to mastering the katana.

Her needles remained as well, safely tucked away on a band she kept around her left thigh, hidden from others. They were a constant reminder of Illumi, her best friend and the only one she had her hopes left in to save her.

On another note, the family she stayed with was generous to point that she began to grow suspicious of their willingness to take care of her.

Hospitality was one thing, but she knew enough to recognize an odd-favored deal when she saw one.

Sayomi had been freeloading off the family, wearing the extra clothes they provided her, eating their food, drinking from their water supply, and even sleeping in their tent. 

But as wary as she was, she knew this was the only option she had. For now.

She had already stayed far from the city’s borders, and the only way off of the island in the first place was by boat. 

Sayomi would have to wait for the right time in order to escape the city alive.

☾iii.

6 years later

“Sayomi~” 

The sun rose over Meteor City, waking its inhabitants, and marking the start to another day.

Inside one of the many worn tents at the camp, a girl with tangled, brilliant white hair laid sprawled out on the cardboard-floors.

“Sayomi!” Ayame entered the tent once again, waking the girl to join her family for breakfast.

Sayomi groaned at the sunlight that entered the tent with Ayame’s return.

Sitting up, her hair cascaded down her shoulders and back, just barely touching the floor below her waist. 

Now 16 years old, Sayomi’s face had thinned out, no longer round and chubby, but firm and angular with more defined features. 

Her striking violet eyes and silky white hair were the only things that seemed to remain the same from when she was dumped 6 years ago. 

With a noticeable number of inches added to her legs and arms, as well as new subtle curves adorning her body, Sayomi had matured a great amount, both physically and mentally. What had once been an innocent, joyful 10 year old girl, was now approaching the end of her youth days trapped in a foreign city.

Sayomi didn’t talk about her family. Or the past for that much. 

She didn’t like to remember the feeling of waiting desperately for someone to find her. 

As a 10 year girl, she didn’t know any better than to rely on her family to come rescue her. But as those days turned into months, and the months turned into years, her hope had died miserably, being replaced by a deep sense of betrayal.

The most she had told the family about her life before Meteor City was about Killua. She had beamed proudly as she told them how similar they looked to each other. Killua. I wonder how he’s turned out to be. If he’s 6 years old now, that means he’s already started training...

But this was her life now, whether she liked it or not, and she would make the most of it even if it meant living only for herself.

“Sayomi! For the last time, waaake uppp. Breakfast is ready.” 

Yet another day in Meteor City began for Sayomi. After finishing up breakfast with Ayame and her parents, Sayomi grabbed her katana to go run through more forms on her own.

6 years with the katana, and Sayomi was almost considered proficient in the sword’s fine practice. Without a master to learn from, the majority of her techniques were either gathered from faint memories of when she was younger, or those she came up with herself.

She had also taken the risk of going into some of the gang fights using only her katana, and though she had gotten in dangerous situations to begin with, her hard work didn’t betray her. 

Standing in the piles of junk with her arms raised naturally behind her head, Sayomi took a deep breath in and out, ever so bored of the dull features at Meteor City.

☾iii.

After another day filled with meticulous training, Sayomi head back to camp, making her way to Ayame’s tent.

However, upon approaching the little green tent, she sensed within the air that something was off. 

She could feel the abnormally tense auras of those sitting inside the tent, much like those of someone caught lying. Slowing her steps towards the tent, Sayomi activated her zetsu in order to listen in to the apparent conversation going on inside.

“Yes, I’m sure that’s her full name. Sayomi Zoldyck. She’s the one we’ll give you instead of Ayame.”

It was Shota’s voice. 

His normally confident tone was replaced by one filled with a thousand concerns. 

“I assure you she’ll be here with us when you arrive tomorrow. Thank you again, sir, for accepting the replacement. Good Night.”

Could it be another gang looking for trouble? She was sure she could take them, whoever they were, but it still hurt to be referred to as ‘the replacement’. 

Sayomi shook her head out of such thoughts, realizing how panicked she was becoming over another silly gang. She made her presence visible once again, taking louder than normal footsteps as she returned into the tent for the night.

☾iii.

It was a quiet night much like usual, but everyone inside the tent could feel the discomfort that seemed to radiate around the 4 in endless circles.

Sayomi shifted in her sleep, unable to ignore the itching feeling in the back of her mind. 

The gangs here are nothing, I’ll be fine. 

She fell asleep late that night, despite being exhausted from a full day of training. A battle of worries and self-reassurance eventually died down in her mind, letting her sleep in peace.

Having fallen into a deep sleep, she had missed the sound of Ayame crying softly next to her. The older girl fell asleep facing away from Sayomi, feeling too guilty to even look at her.

“I’m so sorry, Sayomi.” Ayame whispered into the darkness. 

☾iii.

Early morning the next day, a commotion stirred through the camp.

The sound of multiple vehicles treading over glass and broken fragments awoke Sayomi, who sat up too quickly for her tired self.

Her body lurched to the side, thrown off balance by the sudden movement she had made to get up.

Groaning while she firmly held her balance with a single hand digging into the blankets pooled around her, Sayomi was confused to see that the tent was empty around her.

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, Sayomi slung her katana over her shoulder hastily before making her way outside, her left hand hovering over the needles strapped to her thigh.

It was still dark out when Sayomi lifted the entrance of the tent. Quite close to golden hour, but still dark enough for her to have to strain noteably in order to see.

The vehicles she had heard were parked about 50 feet from where she stood. There were 3 cars parked side by side, black sedans that looked much similar to the ones back at the estate. 

Upon her eyes’ adjustment to the dark, Sayomi could see several men dressed in black suits conversing with Shota and Rin, Ayame by their side.

She kept her guard up as she attempted to read the auras of the people standing in front of her, getting a faint feel for their emotions.

Ayame and her family were tense, worried, but Shota showed small signs of relief in his expression. The men in suits were less readable, their emotions hidden behind an experienced aura of composure.

Looks like they’re pretty experienced… But they don’t look like a gang, or like they’re even from around here.

Taking a risk, Sayomi edged closer to the group, trying to listen in on the conversation. She was partially concealed by a pile of junk, only peeking out once in a while to confirm their positions.

Her new spot was about 30 feet from the closest man, and she could now make out parts of their conversation.

An unfamiliar voice rumbled “Rest assured, she will be provided with more than she ever was here.”

Shota’s voice was next. “And will she be safe on the trip to Yorknew City?”

Yorknew City. So whoever these people were didn’t want to kill her, but take her with them to the great city of opportunities? Well, damn.

Sayomi stepped out from her position behind the pile, not caring to keep her guard up as she willingly presented herself to her soon to be captors.

Ayame gasped upon seeing Sayomi walk towards them with her hands relaxed behind her head. Her eyes shifted to her parents. They were just as surprised, having not noticed her presence earlier.

The men looked from the shocked family of 3 to the teen strolling towards their makeshift circle. She could sense them growing tense with each of her steps, deducing her identity as their target.

One of them finally broke the silence, acknowledging her presence. 

“Sayomi Zoldyck?”

Sayomi gave a flat-lipped smile in return. “Yes sir.”

The family was wading in embarrassment and horror, caught red-handed agreeing to sell Sayomi off.

The men scoffed at the brazen teen, preparing to catch her off guard with the proposal, but Sayomi spoke first.

“So, what I’m getting from this- is basically that… you had a deal with this family for whatever reason. And were going to take their daughter from them, but they pleaded with you and insisted that I could be a better replacement?”

Her deductive instincts had helped her reach the conclusion that was pretty much dead on.

The family remained still, averting their gazes from the teen in front of them, while the men nodded several times before speaking.

“Correct. Your arrogance will surely not be needed where we’re going, but I guess it’s alright as long as you’re able to back it up.”

Leaving no opening for Sayomi to respond, another one of the men spoke up. “Shall we get going then? It seems like force won’t be necessary, so we might as well move while everyone’s cooperating.”

Sayomi had only nodded, a slight skip in her step as she seized the opportunity to leave Meteor City at last. Whatever business awaited her ahead could be dealt with, and she found it in herself to smile as she faced the family that had supported her for the past 6 years.

“Shota, Rin, Ayame. I could never thank you enough for your generosity during these past years of mine. And so, with all due respect, please forget all about me and flourish in the love of your family once again.”

No matter how blunt, she had meant every word she said, and with that Sayomi turned her back to the people who had raised her up through her broken youth. 

She felt no remorse for their guilt-ridden feelings, for it was just another thing in the past.

The 3 cars took off through the rubble, Sayomi in the backseat of one of them. Her violet eyes reflected off the glass of the window beside her, reminding her of the first time she had arrived. She sat in silence as she watched the hell that had been Meteor City flash past her.

Old news.

Just like her family.

☾iii.

to be continued.

a/n: i made a taglist if anyone wants to join! :)))

[mymindwide]

I’m gonna heal you

Pairing: Ashton x Female reader

Word count: 2059

Warning: none, this is full on fluff with one mention of a prevoius sexual encounter.

Summary: Your boyfriend fell sick, and you’ll see a side of him you haven’t before, while you two share cute moments because of it.

Author’s Note: It was written more than a year ago. Again something I didn’t think I’ll post, but here we are. :) (If you bump into any grammar mistakes, I apologise in advance, that’s because english is not my native language.) Nevermind, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

***

You have a very bad habit, but at least you’re getting better and better while practicing it.

For a while now when you wake up earlier than Ashton (which is almost every single day), and give him his morning kiss he doesn’t even notice it, and you like it that way. Whatever body part you can reach – it always depends on what position he’s sleeping in at the moment of your waking. Sometimes it’s one of his cheeks, sometimes a shoulder, his neck, his forehead. You couldn’t explain why it’s so important to you, maybe you’re just weird, and like watching and admiring him while he sleeps. Knowing how hard they work, it just feels good to see him not worrying about anything and just having a well-deserved rest, even for a few hours.

But this morning something didn’t feel right, not like usually. As your mouth gently touched his temple, his skin felt strangely hot against your lips. You knew you should check it again, but the thought itself made you sweat, because you were not sure he wouldn’t wake up this time. But you convinced yourself pretty quickly that it’s for the good of him, and if he runs a temperature indeed, he needs to wake up anyway to take something in as soon as possible.

You leaned back again and pressed your lips against his temple, and then you tried it with the back of your right hand while your left one checked your own forehead for comparison. Miraculously he didn’t wake up, or leastways didn’t show any sign of will to move or open his eyes, his breathing remained steady, although at this point you wouldn’t even care, because he definitely had fever. Murmuring a low “fuck”, you headed for the bathroom to pick up the thermometer and went back with it to the seemingly sleeping boyfriend.

“Sweetie, just keep it there and do not move, please. We have to measure your temperature” you put the thermometer in his armpit.

He muttered something with his eyes still closed, but on one hand, you didn’t understand, on the other hand you left him there to check what medication you have in the bathroom cabinet. You were happy to acknowledge that you were fully prepared for such disasters, albeit since you moved in with him, thankfully, you didn’t even need to open the medicine box.

You had a slight guess about the possible outcome of this fever measurement, therefore with quick steps you ran to the kitchen to make a tea for your newfound patient. Coming back you put the tea on the nightstand and reached for the thermometer to reveal the truth. 102,2 Fahrenheit.

“Double fuck” escaped your lips as you looked at the display of the digital thermometer.

“Do we have to? I’m not feeling too well” came a drawn-out groan from Ashton.

“No shit Sherlock…” but of course this assumption made you smile. “I wasn’t talking about wanting to fuck. I’m talking about you having a fever. 102,2 °F actually.”

“Oh” this seemingly woke him up as he pushed himself up on the bed.

“Whatever you were planning to do today with the guys, it is out of the question now. And take these in” dropping an antipyretic and painkiller pill on his palm you gave him the now not so hot cup of tea you’d made.

“Yeah I guess so. I’ll tell them” he said before swallowing the pills.

“I’ll be here if you need anything” you indicated the living room. “Lay back and try to take a rest or sleep back” you pecked his forehead.

You turned back from the doorway just to look at him once again, and the cutest sight caught hold of your eyes. Or leastwise your sick girlfriend heart considered it cute… he was sitting in the same position you left him a few seconds ago and just stared in front of him, wasn’t even blinking, you could almost see his brain still processing the info that he most likely got sick. End of the world. You felt for him, you really did, but he looked so lost it was cute. He looked adorably useless and that’s certainly something you have not seen him yet.

For you the bright side of the situation is that at least you really can be here and look after him, since last night you could cook while he was out with his friends. In the background you heard him run a shower.

“So much for resting… but at least it’ll help him cool that body temperature down a bit, so after all it’s not a bad idea at all” you thought.

You made yourself comfortable on the couch and already decided you’ll watch a movie that is entertaining enough to switch off your brain for a few hours, and you exactly knew which one is the perfect choice that meets your high expectations and requirements.

While you were considering your options Ash finished with the shower too and joined you in the living room wearing his leisure pants and a clean white t-shirt.

“Is everything okay? I mean besides the obvious.” you tilted your head back against the sofa backrest to look up at him.

“I have a headache and I start feeling my throat.”

“Sounds like the definition of miserable.”

“Right?! Thank you.”

“Would you like to join me?” you smiled at him grabbing a pillow from the couch that you laid on your lap tapping it a few times.

You didn’t have to ask him twice; picking up the plush blanket which is constantly lying at the end of the sofa he laid down, wrapped himself under the blanket; his head resting on the pillow in your lap, his posture facing the TV. Your fingers, as a pavlovian reflex, dived into his gorgeous hair, whisking away a few stray curls from his face.

“And what are we doing?”

“I was about to watch the greatest movie of all time.”

“The Pursuit of Happyness?”

“Nope, Avengers: Infinity War.”

“That Hiddleston again.”

“Hon, you know he’s going to be killed off in the 10th minute into the movie, right?” you had to laugh.

“Good. He deserves it.”

“What is it? Do I hear jealousy?” you got bloody happy and started enjoying your conversation even more.

“Abslttthhaa nauh” he mumbled something under his nose that reminded you of absolutely not.

"Last time I checked it's not him who's lying on my lap dying."

"Lucky for him, cuz that'd be the last thing he does..."

“Ashton, you’re killing me” you couldn’t contain your laughter.

“Wasn’t kidding.”

“I know” you grinned as your thumb stroked his cheek.

This new Ashton entertained you more and more. You leaned forward to blow tiny kisses on his temple and yoke bone leading a path to his ear.

“Also, last time I checked it wasn’t him who had his way with me on the kitchen counter the other day…” the tip of your nose brushed his ear as you whispered and the mention of your latest lovemaking made a smug smile spread across his face. “And do you know what else I remember?! I remember moaning a three letter name, but it wasn’t Tom… help me out… oh wait, that’s it, it was Ash...” you were trying to add a slight annoyance to the tone of your voice.

“Convinced enough?”

“I have no strength to disagree” reaching back for your right hand to take it in his, he towed it to his lips and planted a kiss on your wrist. Without saying anything he interlaced your fingers and just pulled it to his chest. As if his grumpiness had been cut off, he nestled a bit to find the perfect and most comfortable position, then got fully relaxed and your left hand slipped back into his hair to caress and massage his scalp, to play with his soft black locks.

“Alright, play it, I want to see if he resurrects for the millionth time” he egged you to press the play button to start the movie.

“Oh, we’ll see…” you smiled insinuatingly.

“You’re just joking, right?” he turned his head upwards to look at you. “No, you’re not. They just can’t get rid of that guy, can they?”

“Get comfortable baby, two and a half hour fun just awaits for us” you winked.

Although you watched the movie together, you were pretty sure Ash's thoughts were going somewhere else since you weren’t even like 40 minutes in, when he started playing with your fingers. Your eyes jumped back and forth from the TV to your hands, but eventually your attention ended up on what he was doing. His fingertips grazed your palm and fingers with slow, tender and deliberate moves; it felt intimate like never before, as if he touched your hand for the first time, he went from finger to finger, as if he wanted to get to know and memorize the shape of your hand, the feel of your skin.

Your first thought was “if he won’t stop I’m gonna cry”. But he didn’t stop and eventually and surprisingly you did not cry either, although this scene undoubtedly made you quite emotional, because you haven’t seen him this cuddly in a long time. He’s an affectionate man, but definitely not a clinging one. And you really enjoyed this situation; sometimes you crave this kind of attention like air.

A few more minutes have passed during which your focus returned back to the screen. You felt his hand stopped playing with yours, and with his eyes closing shut he turned over and nuzzling his face close to your belly he fell asleep pretty quickly. Getting your right hand back, now it could rest on his waist, while your other hand could keep caressing his hair, neck, shoulder, just with extra carefulness not wanting to wake him up.

By the end of the movie he still laid on your lap breathing smoothly, and watching him made you think about him being such a positive force. Not only in your life but so many others’, as well. Family, friends, members of other bands whom they met only sporadically…  You loved listening to their stories about Ash being nice and thoughtful and polite. That’s how he treats people in general, even strangers. It’s so effortless for him, yet you have no idea how he does that.  Always thinks about making others happy, but is he happy? Do you make him happy? You can only hope, because he deserves the world. At this point, an unpleasant feeling put a stop to your train of thought.

As much as you didn’t want to do it, and wished to stay like this forever, it was time for you to stand up since you started feeling your legs getting numb after sitting stock-still for the last two and a half hours.

“Ash” leaning over his face you started caressing his cheek with your nose.

Your technic was clearly successful, because he slowly turned over nuzzling his nose against yours demanding more contact. You kissed his cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, while he enjoyed the love showering on him.

Soon your lips met in very light kisses that became needier with every touch from Ashton’s side, as you felt his tongue brush over your upper lip. Your heart ached but you had to pull back an inch ending the connection between your lips resulting in a dissatisfied moan escaping his lips.

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if we go into this deeper, you may risk losing your nurse to a deadly disease” you whispered smiling on his lips.

“I’ll make it up to you… in a few days… when I get better” he said sleepily.

“Make up for what?”

“For the canceled double fuck.”

“I can’t with you, Irwin. I swear to you I’ll lock you up in the bedroom until you sleep enough.” you had to laugh tho.

“But you love me.”

“Yes, yes I do. What a correct observation.”

“Good, because I love you, too.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Now come Captain Obvious, let’s sleep a bit more.”

And with this you took his hand in yours and led him into the paradise of peacefulness that is your hospital room for the next few days.

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Dune Part 1 - First viewing review

I just came back from having watched Dune Part 1, and yes it is Dune Part 1 in the opening credits of the movie, and I feel like its a movie where I could have radically different opinion of the film when I watch it again. I went into this movie with high expectations. Barring Enemy, which wasn't my cup of tea, I have loved all of Denis' movies since. Prisoners, Sicario, Arrival, and Blade Runner 2049 were all outstanding. Because Blade Runner 2049 was so good, it made very excited on how Denis would handle Dune. I am a big sci fi fan, but I haven't read Dune. Coming out of Dune, I can't help but feel like I missed something. The reactions have been so positive but I came out of this movie very underwhelmed. And it is possible I missed something, which is why I feel a second viewing is necessary.

Firstly, the good stuff is really good. There is just amazing artistry at work. On a technical level, the film is perfection. The scale of the production, the blending of practical locations and visual effects, the costume design etc... all are exquisite. The lore of the book is obviously very dense but the movie does an excellent job of setting up the lore so that newbies like me can understand. The actors are also obviously all top notch across the board. The first hour of the film is interesting. The build up of House Atreides, House Harkonnen, the rivalry, the spice production etc... all very fascinating.

Where the film fell off for me is in the second half of the film. It feels like there is a tight 2 hour 15 min film lying in this almost 2 hour 40 min movie. Without giving spoilers, there is a major sequence and turn in the story that happens roughly midway through the film. Unfortunately I found myself getting bored after that point. The film needed to be a part 1 but also suffers from being a part 1. The last half of the film doesn't really build to a point where it feels like a satisfying end point. Its unfortunately probably just the narrative structure of the book, but it really doesn't feel like a film of its own and the last 45 mins of the film are just kind of boring. I think about 20-30 mins could have been cut from the movie. If the film is just being faithful to the book, then at times adaptation means taking out portions that aren't necessary. There are definitely parts that don't feel necessary.

The cast is excellent across the board like I mentioned. But, if I'm being honest, barring Timothy Chalamet and Rebecca Ferguson, they are largely wasted. Oscar Isaac brings a lot of gravity and pathos to his role as Leto, but the film doesn't demand that much of him. Similarly with Brolin, who does a solid job playing the toughened warrior, but it isn't a role that remotely challenges an actor like him. Jason Momoa brings some of his trademark personality into the role of Duncan Idaho. Stellan Skaargard is terrific as Baron Harkonnen. He's a truly menacing villain. Zendaya and Javier Bardem are barely in the movie enough to make any impression. The film really relies on Timothy Chalamet and Rebecca Ferguson to do the heavy lifting and they do it wonderfully well.

Overall, I walked out of the film a little let down. I do think a second viewing might change things significantly for me. Right now the film is around a 6/10, which is disappointing but a second viewing could seriously change things for the better.

[scripttorture]

Not sure if this would really be relevant, but you're the best resource I can think of for prison systems. In a secluded supermax prison with all male staff & all male prisoners, they suddenly get a single (like 19 or 20 y/o) female prisoner who "can't go anywhere else & needs to be kept heavily restrained." What's the warden's best option for making sure she's safe & treated with respect for the first few days/weeks till they can get female guards? Modern setting, mostly American style prison.

I feel like I know enough about this to be helpful but I’ve never claimed to be an expert on prisons and I think you should try to double check what I say. Partly because I think that the ‘best option’ in a case like this would be heavily biased by opinion and what you consider the best outcome to be. I don’t want you to mistake my opinion for fact or discount the idea that you might think differently presented with the same evidence.

 I also think this is the kind of case where there’s a big difference between what should happen and what would likely happen.

 It’s also worth stating at the outset that, in my opinion, the American prison system is set up in a way which inherently makes abuse more likely. And that makes a difference. When the system itself is already set up in a way which makes torture more likely the efforts of individuals within those systems are… less likely to be effective.

 We’re talking about a system where solitary confinement is the first rather then the last resort. Use of solitary confinement over the safe period (1 week) is routine, with prisoners in maximum security facilities often being kept in isolation for months or years.

 Which causes mental health problems to a disabling degree and drastically increases the chances of suicide or self mutilation.

 Rape is still common and while it’s often discussed in terms of attacks by fellow prisoners, a lot of attacks are by guards. Especially when you’re talking about women prisoners and juvenile prisoners. Incidentally it was only in 2012 that the US started recommending against cross-gender searches of women prisoners.

 And a lot of guards in American women’s prisons are men. I found figures of 40% based on data from 2007 and up to 70% for federal facilities from 2011. Both of these were cited figures from books I don’t have full access to. I can’t confidently say how accurate these figures are or how the authors came by them. I can confidently say that there are male guards in female prisons and that this has been linked to abuse (based on the testimony of rape survivors in American prisons).

 While we’re on the subject the kind of restraint use I think you’re referring to is torture. You can find descriptions of its use in Chinese prisons over here.

 Essentially humans are not designed to withstand long periods with little to no movement, or holding the same position for a long time. It is unhealthy. It causes a significant amount of damage to the body. Sometimes it’s lethal.

 Now if you didn’t know this that is OK.

 I’m here because I know a lot of this kind of information isn’t common knowledge and that it’s hard to find. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something, we all learn sometime.

 We’ll circle back to restraint tortures and alternatives in a moment. For now let’s focus on prisons

 I think that the most likely thing to happen in an American prison is that this character would be thrown in solitary confinement and kept there.

 You can read about how harmful that would be here.

 I also think that it’s unlikely an American prison, having decided to house a woman in a male prison, would hire female guards specifically to accommodate one prisoner. And I think a woman in this environment would be especially vulnerable to physical and sexual abuse.

 You can read about that here.

 There’s an in-depth Reuters investigation on the deaths of women in American jails that you can find here. It contains a graphic description of a dead baby, born in a jail, as well as descriptions of systemic racism towards black women and abuse of the mentally ill. (Seriously if you’re a black woman and pregnant or a mother of a young child don’t read it.)

 If you want to write a female character being put into an institution designed for men in America… that’s what it looks like. Higher rates of preventable deaths.

 Here’s the thing though: You do not have to make the situations in your story as bad as they are in real life.

 There is nothing wrong with deciding that the characters in your fiction get treated with more care and respect then is the norm in real life. It might not be realistic but we are writing fiction.

 And there is a difference between a story which is unrealistic in favour of the torturer and one which is unrealistic in favour of the victim.

 Having said that: If you want to create a fictional, less abusive prison system for this story it will not look anything like an American prison.

 I have… some rather complicated feelings about the idea of setting the story in America and then presenting the prison system as better then it is. Remember that I am a pacifist and I was raised in Saudi Arabia. I say this because I feel as though the abuses in the American prison system are whitewashed in the media America exports.

 If I was writing a story set in Saudi which involved imagining a better, less abusive prison system I’d feel confident my readers would know this didn’t reflect the reality. I feel like they would understand without being told that I was trying to imagine a better version of my home rather then trying to accurately show the prisons there.

 I do not think that would be the case if you did the same thing in an American setting.

 I’ve talked enough about the negatives. Let’s move on to how we can make this idea work.

 The way I see it the big choice here is whether you want to keep the setting and the abusive use of restraints or whether you want the character to be safe and treated with respect while incarcerated.

 If you’re picturing the character being held in a way that renders her more or less completely immobile (like a restraint chair or a bed) then there’s a pretty decent chance she’d die within the first couple of weeks regardless of any other abuse. There’s a reason restraints aren’t commonly used in hospitals and mental health facilities any more: they increase the chances of sudden death. Even in young healthy people.

 There’s a case you can read about here that’s a decent example. Young, 27 year old man, partially restrained for ten days after a mental health episode. Dead from a heart attack in ten days.

 Obviously not everyone who is completely restrained for weeks dies of a heart attack. But bed sores exist. So do bladder infections caused by catheters and muscle wastage and a host of other ailments that are cured by simply letting someone move around.

 Honestly combined with solitary and the high chance of sexual abuse I think that full body restraint is probably throwing too many tortures into the story. Because all of these individually are complex issues and the harm each of them does is routinely downplayed. Handling all of them in the same narrative would be really tough and the restraints are the easiest one to get rid of.

 If you’re picturing something more like the restraint torture (constantly wearing hand and leg cuffs) described in the Chinese case I linked to above, survival is a lot more likely. That’s to do with the degree of movement victims are capable of.

 A person who is immobile with their muscles under strain is in a stress position. The death rates for those rise sharply after 48 hours. A person who is immobile when their muscles aren’t under strain (eg restrained to a bed with six point restraints) is not in a stress position. But they’re at greater risk of a heart attack or stroke and after weeks they’ll start to develop bed sores (assuming they’re not lying in a pool of their own waste.)

 A person who’s restrained in a way that lets them walk, but slowly, lets them stand, but not straight, is experiencing a restraint torture. They probably won’t get kidney failure (the cause of death in stress positions) and they’re less likely to get a heart attack or a stroke.

 There are still serious health effects. Muscle wastage and weakness afterwards is very common. Survivors of this particular torture tend to report chronic pain and joint problems. I’m not entirely sure what causes this but since it’s very consistent I’d guess it’s a physical effect of long term restraint use.

 Survivors also tend to report some mobility problems afterwards. There’s a loss of fine motor control and often some difficulty performing day to day tasks that require raising and lowering the arms. Like putting on a jacket unaided or hanging washing on a line or taking things down from a cupboard above the head. This could be due to nerve damage, damage to muscles or ligaments at the joints or both.

 These sorts of restraints don’t leave victims in a stress position; which is why they can survive for months or more rarely years while restrained (stress positions are only consistently survivable up to 48 hours.) But nonetheless they do leave victims in a constant state of pain. The restraints dig in. The position and inability to straighten is painful, especially for the joints. A lot of victims report being unable to sleep because of the restraints.

 And sleep deprivation causes it’s own problems which you can read about here.

 I might be on the wrong track here but generally no one has to be restrained. So the inclusion of that in the ask made me think this story might have elements of fantasy, sci fi or super hero genres: a character with a special ability that can only be used under certain circumstances.

 I had a problem with something like that in one of my stories recently. The character in question can manipulate how people think and feel using her voice. And I racked my brains trying to think of a way the police in the story could keep her imprisoned once they caught her. I looked up all sorts of sedatives, thought about solitary and all kinds of over the top abusive stuff that fiction teaches us is a go-to practical solution.

 I didn’t want to use them. I didn’t want her to be tortured.

 And then it hit me: her guards could just wear noise cancelling headphones.

 Sometimes the answer really is that simple.

 Think about this character’s power set, if that’s part of the problem here. Really consider what she can do and how she does it. Have you got an underlying chemical process going on? If it’s magic what’s the cause and effect for it? What are her limits? What is her range?

 Use that to think about when the power breaks down and why. And if you’re writing fanfiction based on a canon with poorly defined magical abilities…. Make something up to define how she does what she does.

 Focus and concentration is a commonly used way of doing this. I saw a brilliant program a while back where the main character actually had no idea how his powers worked and was as surprised and elated as everyone else when they did. I try to come up with strict, simple definitions of a character’s powers/abilities. Then I work to try and find inventive ways of applying that. Find a method that works for you and don’t be afraid to try a few different approaches.

 Unless you’ve written yourself into a corner, chances are this character (like mine) doesn’t need to be restrained or isolated.

 And if you have written yourself into a corner, you can write yourself out of it again. Either with the choices you make now or by going back and editing what you already have.

 On a similar note if you want this character to be in a better, less abusive system does she have to be in a male prison and does she really, absolutely have to be in America?

 Because if you want the lowest possible rates of violence and abuse today that means the Scandinavian prison system. You can find out more about it here and here for Norway.

 You can read more about global prison systems here.

 The gist of it is that there are huge systematic differences. Prison guards in Norway are trained for 2-3 years on specially designed course and the ratio of staff to prisoners is almost 1:1. (For contrast in the UK, which is closer to the US system training takes 12 weeks and the ratio is 1:4.) Prison guards in Norway are well paid, facilities are well staffed and guards are allowed generous breaks and holidays.

 This creates a system where staff are not overly stressed, sleep deprived or pressured to achieve unreasonable ‘results’. Training focuses on conflict resolution, this along with a less pressurised working environment this creates a better overall environment for staff and prisoners. Force is really considered a last resort and staff are provided with the tools, training and support necessary to make that a reality.

 There’s also effort put into the physical construction of these facilities: cells aren’t cramped, overcrowded or unsuitable for human habitation.

 I’m not trying to claim these prisons are perfect. There is still a big trend of prolonged solitary confinement use in Norway and other Scandinavian countries. There is still abuse in prisons.

 But- Well I can’t compare directly with US prisons because I didn’t find statistics using similar measures for violent attacks. However I can compare with the UK. With a prison population of about 3,200 Norway had 181 attacks on staff. The UK, with a prison population of 83,300, had a little over 10,000 attacks.

 I think if you really want to write something with the least potential for abuse then you’re better off imagining an international (or explicitly Scandinavian) institution built more along the lines of the Norwegian system.

 If you’ve got your heart set on an American, male prison being the only place this character can be then I think the ‘best’ thing a well intentioned warden in that position could do is throw her in solitary and have her kept on suicide watch.

 The safe period for solitary confinement is about a week.

 After that she’d start to show signs of mental health problems which would get worse the longer she was held. By about the 1-2 month point these problems are probably going to be permanent. Beyond that the chances of self harm and suicide attempts starts to rise. So does the chance she’ll have a psychotic break and start hallucinating. After a year you’re looking at multiple suicide attempts and chances of self mutilation. By which I mean things like trying to destroy your own hands, legs, face etc.

 The decision about what’s right for your story is always yours. You know these characters, the setting and the kind of narrative you’re telling best.

 Pick the options that best fit with what you want from the story and the characters. Because that’s the best decision for the story.

 But if you’re writing about an abusive system don’t gloss over the abuse. If you’re writing about a torturous practice in prisons (like solitary confinement) don’t ignore the life long damage it causes.

 I hope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

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[dumblydork]

Wasn't expecting to be back as a writer so soon but I just absolutely CANNOT get enough of writing headcanons and AUs and JUST BEAR WITH ME OKAY

Also I feel like this is super long but it might not be idk

Some more Hinny, with a bit of Romione! So this one is set in the modern magical world. Hope you enjoy! And don't forget, if you have absolutely ANY Hinny headcanons you'd want to see written, please drop me a message or an ask anytime and I'll do my best to write one 3>

~~

"This class just CANNOT get any worse." Ron muttered, drawing lazy lines with his pen on the History of Magic textbook they were reading.

"We literally live in 2020, do we really HAVE to study all this old age crap?" He continued, now shifting to drawing circles as the teacher droned on.

Harry for one, wasn't listening to the professor (though he did vaguely hear him mention 'Goblin War' but that was about it) and neither to Ron. Harry was busy staring out of the window onto the busy streets of London below their high classroom, thinking about a certain redhead.

A certain redhead who also happened his best friend's sister.

"Hi!" Hermione's voice came in an excited whisper as she started taking out her textbook, the dull grey of it made slightly happy with all the colourful muggle stickers (once affronted, she had told Harry that they were called 'Post Its' but Harry just could never bother with the name), full of notes and extra bits. Hermione was careful not to let the professor know that she was suddenly here, a thought which hit Harry when Ron exclaimed almost loudly before Hermione kicked his foot under the table to shut him up.

"I swear to Godric you weren't here literally a minute ago how- Harry?" Ron wondered, calling his best friend.

"Yes it's very odd Ron." Harry almost sighed, back to his brooding. Hermione was doing weird things always- it was nothing new.

"Please be like Harry and stop looking so surprised. Let me focus." Hermione sneered at Ron and whipped out her pencil, furiously noting down from the board whatever the professor had been droning on about for the past 45 minutes.

"And that, is all on the Goblin War of 1785 today. Make sure you finish your homework- remember, 4 pages on the magical strategies used by the two goblin sides to win the war. I need it handed in on Monday. Class dismissed." The professor walked out with his nose in the air, as if he had imparted the knowledge of a lifetime in one single lesson. He waved a lazy hand at the board which wiped off all the notes, releasing a few cries from the back where some kids were still making notes.

"Thank Godric that's over!" Ron could almost cry. Harry was back to paying attention, especially after Hermione slapped his hand. "Earth calling whatever planet Harry Potter is on!" She laughed. The three of them got up and walked out into the corridor.

"What lesson do we have next?" Harry asked absentmindedly.

"What's up with you today? You've been like this since we returned from the Burrow well over a week ago." Ron said thoughtfully, an arm slung carelessly around Hermione's shoulder, who was surprisingly okay with it.

Harry snapped back to reality. If Ron found out, it would be Harry's head and nothing else.

"And what about the two of you? Care to explain," Harry looked at the Ron's arm, "whatever this is? You two have been just finding ways for touching each other, don't think I haven't noticed." Harry finished with a whistle, knowing this was the nerve he had hit. He almost grinned to himself.

"That," Hermione shrug off the arm around her, blushing furiously, "is just two friends being friendly." She finished, but there was a considerable change in the pitch of her voice.

"Yes yes whatever." Harry flicked a lazy hand at the two, knowing fully well they had gotten up to something in the Burrow which was only between the two of them.

The trio had reached the cafeteria where they sat down on one of the empty benches, having half hour free before moving on to Harry's most despised class- Chemistry, or Potions as it was called in the older ages.

Harry let his thoughts move back to the Burrow (courtesy this couple who were now sitting with their sides practically touching). The Burrow was Ron's house, and the trio's favourite hangout. They were there for the summer break, which had ended a week ago, but the memories were still as old as yesterday.

"Oh please, I will kick your ass at Quidditch." Ginny, Ron's younger sister and the youngest Weasley piped, her fiery red hair pulled back into a ponytail.

Quidditch was the one thing Harry really enjoyed- it was rare to have Quidditch matches in school now with so much course load, so these summers were what he lived for.

Particularly this one summer where Ginny had turned up looking just gorgeous, something Harry had failed to notice in the 6 years he had known her. It wasn't as if she wasn't gorgeous before- it just struck him differently this time. Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it was the fact that she could make Harry laugh almost always. She was not only gorgeous- Ginny had developed a sense of humour and sarcasm quite unlike her brothers- they were fond of practical jokes, whereas Ginny was more of the sharp tongued type who could make an entire room laugh without as much as waving a hand. And it was absolutely fabulous. Harry had found himself staring at her practically everyday of summer since he came to the Burrow three months ago.

The way she tied her hair up, or how she bit her lip when exasperated with her Math homework and the way her lips opened slowly first when she laughed. The slight, barely perceptible crook in her teeth and the generous sprinkling of freckles all across her face. It was all suddenly very endearing to Harry.

And hence, midway through his last week at the Burrow, Harry had come to the conclusion that he had started fancying Ginevra Weasley, his best friend Ronald Weasley's younger sister. Not to mention practically Hermione's best friend, despite being an year younger.

So that was why Harry was barely able to keep his impulses in check when he saw Ginny in her Quidditch outfit, wearing a red and gold jersey with cream coloured bottoms. But when he thought of how he could have his ears boxed in by Ron, he could very much focus back on the match and not on a heart-achingly stunning redhead.

"Language, Ginny. This girl," Ron's mom, Molly, muttered under her breath, currently putting up laundry by swishing her wand back and forth. All of the Weasley siblings were back home at the Burrow, except for Percy and Bill, who were both busy working.

"Sorry mom! As I was saying Harry, I will definitely kick your bottom in this match." Ginny corrected herself.

"Please, we shall see." Lately it was getting increasingly difficult for him to produce coherent responses in front of the woman he had come to consider as practically a sarcastic goddess. But he was proud of this response- he should continue thinking about Ron's punches.

"Okay, positions, and go!" Harry heard Arthur, Ron's father say and the match began in earnest. Hermione was sitting this one down with a novel, but at the moment was preparing a jug of lemonade the Muggle way.

Ron and Harry were one team, whereas Ginny, George and Fred were another. The game lasted for a good 40 minutes before Harry and Ron won the game by obtaining the 'snitch' (which was actually just an enchanted flying ball, kindly given to them by Arthur who had an obsession for all things Muggle).

"What happened to all that talk of kicking ass, huh?" Harry laughed, almost falling into one of the reclining chairs. Molly was handing out cool glasses of lemonade. "I think mine needs more ice." Harry said, sipping from his glass.

"Oh I totally forgot the ice! My wand is in the kitchen though." She said sheepishly, not wanting to give up her spot on the recliner. Or rather not wanting to get up from her spot next to Ron, who had decided to perch himself on Hermione's recliner despite there being an extra empty one.

"That's okay, I'll get some myself." He grinned. "I'll come too- I need to change out of this." Ginny added. They walked back inside the Burrow which was empty, with the entire family outside in the garden.

Harry waved his wand which was lying on the kitchen counter into a bowl and ice appeared, shining in the sunlight but not melting. Magic.

He added a few to his glass and leaned on the counter, sipping lazily on the drink. It was good to be away from the noise for a minute. Ginny reappeared downstairs, having changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and unholy thoughts came rushing back into Harry's brain.

"I'll get some ice too, now that I'm here." Ginny took out an empty glass and filled it with ice, presumably wanting to fill it with lemonade later. But the way she took the ice gave Harry goosebumps- she leant across him instead of asking him to move and picked a few pieces of ice from behind him. Harry was frozen in his place- Ginny made no move whatsoever to stand behind. She stood inches away from Harry, just a few centimetres shorter than him.

"Oh for goodness sakes Harry, kiss me already." She rolled her eyes but the tip of her ears went red.

"What?" Harry spluttered- it was something he had been wanting to do since the start of summer but putting it into words stunned him of sorts. Was he THAT readable?

"Don't think I haven't seen the way you've looked at me all summer, Harry. It's not that difficult to know that you fancy me. A lot. And just so you know, I do too. A lot. Have done so since Ron introduced us.* She whispered, but stepped back after her confession.

Harry was still stunned, but could anyway notice the distance she had put, now slightly unsure after her brazenness. She still stared at him, her lips shaped into an imperceptible 'O', begging to be kissed. So that's what Harry did- he pulled Ginny back towards him by her waist and placed his lips on hers, almost tasting sunlight but with cherry swirled in it. His hands remained at her waist but Ginny moved hers to lock around Harry's neck, slowly playing with the curls at his nape. She smiled into the kiss, parting her lips were slightly, just so Harry could taste her; it was sinful but decadent. Very much like a good bar of chocolate. More than good. An absolutely unbelievable bar of chocolate.

When they finally pulled back after what could have been a lifetime, or an eternity, or a few seconds, Ginny grinned at Harry. "Do you not have anything to say?" She stood there's suddenly a bit shy, with her arms still around Harry's neck.

"You said all of it for me. I do fancy you- maybe way too much." He said, feeling as if Ginny's brazen confidence was transferred into his veins.

"That's a relief, because I might or might not have been looking to get you to kiss me." She said, her eyes twinkling mischievously.

"You what?" Harry stared at her incredulously, before breaking out into a wide smile.

"Don't worry, the bit about me fancying you is real. Have done so since I was 10." She added seriously.

"So are we a thing now?" Harry raised an eyebrow, quite enjoying the small circles he was making on Ginny's side.

"Keep dreaming on, Potter." She removed her hands from around his neck and disappeared like she had reappeared after changing, what felt like ages ago. Harry smiled to himself before walking outside again, his lemonade glass forgotten.

---

"Really Harry, one would think you're in love the way you're zoned out." Ron stared at him, as Harry snapped back into the real world.

"Huh? Oh yeah." He agreed absent mindedly, still reeling a bit from that summer afternoon.

"You're in love?" Hermione asked, an eyebrow raised as she looked up from what looked like homework.

"Forget me, but you do seem to be." Harry glanced at her notebook, which had R+H scribbled messily on the margins. He grinned as Hermione and Ron blushed furiously.

"Okay fine, me and Ron might have kissed at the Burrow." Hermione said, snapping her book shut as Ron stared at her longingly.

"How interesting, because me and Harry did something similar." Ginny suddenly appeared from behind and sat beside Harry, pressing her lips to his cheek.

The two boys stared back and forth. Ron's eyes widened but returned to their normal size, as Ron slung an arm around Hermione again, except this time she actually leaned into him.

"What? Is happening?" Harry looked around, first at the couple in front of him and then at Ginny. This was all extremely confusing.

"Did you think you were the only observant human to ever exist? Hermione Granger is my girlfriend, Harry. Nothing escapes her. Not when one of her best friends kisses another one of her best friends." Ron laughed.

"Wait so you're not mad?" Harry was still shaken. Was his worrying all a waste? If he'd known, he could have spent more time with Ginny, locked behind doors, his lips on hers-

"Why would I be? I'd rather Ginny end up with you rather than some other git from school." Ron's voice cut into his thoughts breezily.

"Oh. Okay." Harry settled before smiling at Ginny and weaving his hand through hers.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Harry's eyes widened.

"Wait. Hermione Granger is your girlfriend?!" The typical Potter late realisation. The three people around him laughed heartily before Harry joined in, shooting Ginny an endearing look, making the tips of her ears turn red.

[pettyrevenge-base]

Job accused me of lying, so i got revenge.

When i was 17-18 years old, i got my first retail job. i worked at a children's store that does ear piercings, i'm sure you all know which one. i started when i was 17, and shortly after turning 18 i was given a keyholder position. i was thrown into the position with practically no instruction, and absolutely no training. i did my best, even though i made mistakes, and i was actually doing fairly well. time passes, i get back from a sleepover, and my mother informs me that while i was gone my grandfather had passed away. now, i worked just two hours after i got the news, so i went in still struggling not to cry my eyes out at any second. the first thing i see is the store manager standing there, looking annoyed. she takes me over to a bench out in the middle of the mall and sits with me, and starts telling me about all the things i'm doing wrong (all things i hadn't been trained on) while i mostly just blankly stared at her and tried not to cry. i wasn't taking any of the information in at all, i was just too upset. eventually she noticed and asked what was wrong, and i broke down and started sobbing, and told her. i then asked if i could go home, as i didn't think i could work efficiently with this news. she told me absolutely not, and she left, leaving me completely alone in the store. now, for context, the store sold these stuffed animals called beanie boos. they also had giant versions that were about $40-$50 a piece i think, its been years since i worked there. but anyway, some lady walked in and decided to buy 4 of those, and was ready to pay when i told her about a store close by that sold them for a cheaper price. she thanked me and left, having not bought them. so there was my revenge for being rude and uncaring about his death. then, shortly after, i found out from a friend and fellow keyholder that they had not only accused me of stealing a few dollar items, which i had not done, but they had also accused me of lying about my grandfather's death to get out of 'trouble'. so, in a fit of fury, i called up the manager from before, told her i quit, shut the store down two hours early, and went home. probably lost them about $500 in total sales that day, and proud of it.i know its not much in the grand scheme of things, they make millions, but it made me feel better. i now have a picture of my grandfather hanging where i used to hang my store keys.

Source: reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge

[cancerbiophd]

Hey! I’m sure this is a question you get asked a lot but how did you decide that a PhD was for you? I’m about to enter the last year of my undergrad and have really enjoyed the lab work I’ve done previously but it feels like a rather large commitment when I’m not 100% sure I’m going to end up in research at the end of it. I was just wondering how you knew it was what you wanted to do!

Hello!

I actually have never been asked that question before, which was surprising for me too. I get a lot of “how did you know lab research was right for you”, but never specifically about how I knew a PhD was right for me (or maybe I did and I just didn’t answer it well), so I’m really glad you asked!

As you said, it really does come down to answering yes to both these statements: 

The career path I want is best accomplished with a PhD

I am willing to commit to the challenging journey of 5-6 years of grad school (+1-3 years of being a post-doc, if applicable to your field)

So here are the reasons how I knew getting a PhD was the best past for me:

I loved research. And I loved research beyond just doing benchwork--I loved the brainstorming, the experimental design, the analyzing of results, the troubleshooting of the unexpected, the dissecting of both broad and fine details as you solve a puzzle, the moment when you realize you just discovered something no one else has ever seen before, and communicating those exciting results. I was infatuated. When I was working as a lab tech in a cancer research lab after undergrad there were nights where I couldn’t sleep because my brain just would not stop brainstorming new ideas and questions about my research. I told that to a current grad student in the lab at the time and he was like “You know what that means? You have the mind of a grad student.”

And I wanted to broaden my skillsets. I could do a few techniques really well, but I really wanted to learn more, and I also wanted to learn more about those techniques--why do this, and not an alternative? What would happen if we tried this? I wanted to explore more. 

Going off of that, I wanted to keep learning. And not just looking up wikipedia articles by myself; I wanted formal training (because I had no idea what I needed to learn). And I’ve always been good at learning in a classroom setting so I knew I would excel at that part in grad school. 

It would lead me to the career path I wanted, which was to work at a biotech company as a leader of a research team and then become a consultant. True, a PhD is not required for that in many cases, but a PhD would better prepare me for those roles

I enjoyed writing and orally communicating about my research. PhD’s do metric ton of writing (grants, papers, reports, etc) and oral presentations (conferences, meetings, collaborations, etc). And I really enjoyed (and was good at) all that. 

I wanted to be in a position where I could lead and mentor. As someone with the highest degree in the room, institutions look to the PhDs for direction. So PhDs will become leaders--whether it’s a lab of their own in academia, or a team in an industry setting, etc. Even grad students have undergrads, or have to TA. And I was ready for, and wanted, all that. 

I was good at wearing a lot of hats. PhDs don’t just do a singular task; during grad school we learn to be versatile (you have to be in an academic lab setting), and that versatility carries through later as we become excellent multitaskers and are good at adapting to new challenges. And as someone who has always successfully juggled school and work and multiple extracurriculars, and had experience being a rockin lab manager (in the lab I worked in after undergrad), I knew I was up to it. 

I loved working by myself but I also loved working as a team--and that’s a necessity for research in general, even for non-PhDs, but PhDs are more likely to have to excel at both. 

I was mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially ready for the challenges and commitment of 5-6 years of grad school (plus 1-3 years of being a post-doctoral fellow, if applicable). Grad school is tough as balls, and you have to be just as tough, or at least have the resources to help you. I took a gap year of 2.5 years after undergrad to a) figure out what the heck I wanted to do/get research experience and b) mature to the point where I could be ready for something like grad school. I feel that working as a full-time lab tech really allowed me to immerse myself into the closest setting of a grad student in my field as possible. Being there 40 hrs/week really is different than when you’re an undergrad researcher popping in for 2 hours/day. I also took a grad-level class to see if I could mentally balance class and research. I know that’s obviously not an option available to everyone (nor is it necessary), but that’s just how I knew that every part of me could handle the rigors of grad school. 

Going off of that, I had a lot of grit and discipline. Sometimes that’s all you have left to get you through the day in grad school when everything else feels depleted. Grad students do a lot of things they’re not motivated to do, but we gotta get it done anyway, and sometimes grit is all we have to make our limbs move. 

PhD holders and PhD students at the time were telling me I’d be great at pursuing one. They know better than anyone what it takes, and they knew I was ready. 

Also dang, I’d be lying if I said money didn’t play a role in it. I graduated college in 2011 during the grand ol recession, and the job market stunk. I saw that options for biology majors were slim to none (I was extremely lucky to have found my lab tech job), so I knew I had to either wait it out until the job market bounced back, or make myself a more attractive candidate for the workforce, or both! (Let’s not talk about the economy during Covid lol). Also, the thought of making over 100k with a PhD was attractive. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but money does buy happiness, because money buys food and a roof over your head and warm clothes and healthcare and hobbies so uh, yeah, I did get the highest degree possible partially for the money. 

So why not a Masters? That’s a good question!! And the truth is: I didn’t know I could accomplish most of what I wanted with a Masters. And that was my fault for not doing my own research, but I think I was just.. surrounded by PhDs (both in my academic lab setting and in my family) and the thought of doing a Masters never really occurred to me. Also, idk, I knew in my heart and in my bones I wanted a PhD, so I’m not sure if I would be happy with a Masters. 

Lastly, because this list is personal to me, getting a PhD would get me off my mom’s shit-list and end her endless emotional abuse towards me being worthless, etc. Long story, but yeah, it did factor into it as kind of a bonus point. 

So thar’s my spiel.  

One last thing I want to add: though continuing research is the most common career path for PhD holders, it’s not the only one. Here’s what else is available for PhDs (from the book Career Opportunities in Biotechnology and Drug Development by Toby Freedman)

If the image is hard to see, there are 4-ish main branches, and then some sub-branches (and even more specialized sub-branches that aren’t labeled):

R&D: Discovery research, preclinical research, bio/pharmaceutical product development, project management, clinical development, regularly affairs, medical affairs

Services: Recruiting, law, venture capital & banking, management consulting

Operations: Bio IT, quality, operations

Commercial Operations: Business development, corporate communications, product support, sales, marketing

And that’s just in the industry sector--academia, government, and non-academia/non-govt research institutions are also obviously available as career choices, though those would focus more on R&D (and also teaching). 

You obviously don’t need to know the specifics of your career path before committing to grad school, but I think you should have a general idea that what you want to do would best be accomplished with a PhD. 

If you’re still on the fence, I would advise:

Talking to more grad students or degree holders--both PhD and Masters (our Gradblr Discord is great for that!)--to paint a bigger picture.

Informational interviews are also great, especially if you’re interested in learning more about those career paths above. 

You can also explore the field a bit more in-person by starting off with a Masters (less time commitment than a PhD, though more expensive), or an entry-level research job like I did. 

Best of luck! 

[morgannalefey]

My abortion stories

I am 56 years old in 2021. I've had four abortions. They were all performed over a four-year period between 1983 and 1987. My first pregnancy was when I was 17, my last when I was 21. I was using birth control every time I got pregnant. What no one told me at the time was that antibiotics and weighing over a certain amount both interfered with how well birth control pills worked. At that time I regularly had to take antibiotics because of chronic lung infections. Turns out (this is something I didn't learn until I was in my 30s) that I also have polycystic ovary syndrome. This led to weight gain. None of the medical practitioners that I worked with to get my pills explained how these things would make my pills not work (or maybe they didn't know). I didn't find out about these impacts on birth control pills until I was in my mid 40s and well past when I needed to know.

I wasn't raised in any church. My father was agnostic and my mother was a lapsed catholic. They left me to make up my mind about faith, though both were willing to discuss it with me if I ever wanted to. This meant that I didn't have any ideas about the embryo/fetus being sacred.

I'd had a lot of sex before I got pregnant the first time. I started having intercourse when I was 15, and was quite eager. I'd been with a lot of different guys and had a whole lot of fun throughout high school. They were using me, but I didn't really care because I was using them, too. I wasn't interested in monogamy or falling in love or anything. Until I met C. I fell for him hard. He fell for me, too. The chemistry was powerful and he broke up with his girlfriend and started up with me. We were both 16. It was June of my junior year that we met. We were together for nine months. I had a lot of firsts with C. First shared sunrise (in his car after being out all night just talking and having sex). I was his first sexual experience. First formal dance. First fancy dinner out with a guy. On our six month anniversary, he sent six red roses to me at school (my first roses). I got called into the office to receive them (he went to a different school in a different town).

After around nine months, his feelings changed. We were supposed to go to a semi-formal winter dance. A few days before it, after I'd bought a dress, he broke up with me. So I went to the dance with another guy who'd had a crush on me for a long time (very sweet person, didn't deserve my yanking him like that). C went with my best friend (who immediately became my former best friend). When he saw me at the dance he was all horny for me again, and I thought I'd won him back. We agreed to meet up after the dance for some sexy times. He said we'd get back together and he still loved me. I was so happy. I gave my date short shrift on the good night and raced home to sneak C into my bedroom where sexy times commenced. Then he left in the wee hours.

The next day, the very next fucking day, he calls me to say it was all a mistake and he didn't want to get back together afterall. So. Ok. Cue teenage broken heart montage. Thing progress normally until a few weeks later I start puking in the mornings. I feel like utter shit. We are now into the home stretch of my senior year in high school. I had exactly one class in the morning, and I kept missing it because I was so sick I couldn't keep food down and get to class. I figure out I need to take a pregnancy test.

I look in the yellow pages (this was a physical book in everyone's home that had listings of businesses within the local area) for pregnancy tests. The first place I end up at is a "crisis pregnancy center". I don't know that's what it is. I get a pregnancy test and it's positive. The woman there comes in and is all happy for me that I'm pregnant. Starts asking me if I plan to keep the baby, making it very clear that she thinks abortion is evil and of course I am not evil so I will keep the baby. I feel zero compunction about lying to her face, telling her that I was going home to tell my parents and make plans. I just wanted to get out of there so I could think without her spewing her misguided ideas at me. There was no way I was keeping this pregnancy. I had plans to go to college in the fall. I had a life to live. I was not ready to be a parent. I had zero moral qualms about this. For me it was about bodily autonomy and a mass of cells that I didn't want inside me.

I find a Planned Parenthood and they reconfirm the pregnancy and do a pelvic to see how far along I am (right around 8 weeks). I know exactly when I got pregnant, it was the night of the dance. There just was no other sex other than that night. So C was the other parent. The Planned Parenthood I was at doesn't perform abortions. I ask around and find out there is exactly one abortion provider in our entire area, Dr. Roddy (I am not protecting that fucker's name). The cost for an abortion from him is $260. I don't have $260. I don't want to talk to my parents about this AT ALL.

I called C. I told him I was pregnant. He was great. Said he'd be there for me and we'd go through this together. Then I never heard from him again. He utterly ghosted me. I tried so many times to get him on the phone to talk about this, but he refused my calls. Wouldn't respond to messages. At one point I called and his mother, whom I had greatly admired and looked up to, told me that I was being immature in not accepting that C didn't want to talk to me. I didn't tell her why I was calling. I -should- have, because her calling me immature stung so much. But I was afraid she'd involve my parents. The clock is ticking.

I have another friend (not my former best friend) whose boyfriend was expecting a Pell Grant to come in and he generously offered to pay for my abortion. I made an appointment with Dr. Roddy's office. I was told it would be a two-day procedure. I had to pay in cash. I don't give them my real name. I gave them the name of a classmate who had always been vile to me (who me, petty?). They didn't ask for ID, just asked me to say I was 18 (I was around 3 months from 18, yeah I lied). The first day I go in and they insert a slim piece of wood in my cervix. This will gradually absorb fluids and expand in size, dilating my cervix as it does. This, I am told, is going to cause cramping. Holy fucking hell did it cause cramping. I spend the rest of the day and night in bed in a fetal position. The next day I go in for the procedure.

I am given some valium to relax me. I'm on the table, legs spread, and Dr. Roddy tells me "I'm inserting the speculum now, it will feel like a penis going in." In my dopey state I'm thinking "What the fuck? That does NOT feel like a penis, why would he say shit like that?". He does not use pain killers. He tells me "This will hurt, but try not to move, if you move I could perforate your uterus." He uses instruments to scrape out the contents of my uterus. This procedure is called a "Dilation and Curettage". It hurts like fucking hell. The nurse tries to comfort me by telling me that maybe this remembered pain will help me not get pregnant again. Finally it's over and I'm in the recovery room. Dr. Roddy comes in, gives me some birth control pills and tells me to take them at bed time every night, and that it should be easy to remember because "bed is where you have sex."

After the procedure I felt wonderful. Physically tired and sore, but so relieved. My friend and her boyfriend took me to her place so they could keep an eye on me. We ordered ribs and I ate a ton of ribs and beans. I couldn't pay him back for his help for nearly ten years, but I did eventually return that $260 to him. I never once felt anything but relief that it was over. No guilt, because it was a mass of cells about the size of a wart. Who mourns a wart being removed?

I saw C at a swimming party at the quarry the week before I went to college. Several of my friends were cold to him. I didn't talk to him. He threw someone's flip flop into the quarry in a fit of pique. I was the only one still in their bathing suit so I sighed and went back into the water to get it. When I got back I was thanked and said "It's ok, I'm used to having to fix C's mistakes." I felt pretty proud of that line.

Before college I'd picked up again with a guy (D) I'd been with a lot before C, who was one of the popular guys in school who would use me for sex but wouldn't acknowledge me in school. I went to a college a few hours away, and closer to a big city. I had gotten pregnant by D and went to college pregnant, around six months since my last abortion. I was very embarrassed. I didn't bother to tell D about it. My roommate was really awesome (two years older and much wiser) and helped me out. I had school money from my parents I was able to use to pay for the procedure which was, again around $250. THIS time it was at a women's clinic in Minneapolis. The I was astounded by how different experience there compared to what happened in Dr. Roddy's office. Everyone was kind, caring, and non-judgmental. The whole thing took around 45 minutes. They used pain killers. They were furious when I told them about my previous experience, and that's what helped me realize how fucked up it was. Again, the feeling of relief when it was over.

I made it through two quarters of college but, pregnancy aside, I just wasn't ready for college. At the start of the third quarter, I took the money my parents gave me for school (I was starting the quarter on academic warning), and ran away to Minneapolis to be near another fella I was trying to have a relationship with. I eventually contacted my parents and they helped me get some therapy. I spent some time in a relationship with another guy, M, and got pregnant AGAIN, around 9 months after my previous pregnancy. He stood by me through the abortion this time (at the same clinic as before, same price, he paid this time). Again with the feeling of relief. Nothing ever but relief.

Eventually I decide I really need to go home. I quit the crap job I'd gotten and head home. I get a crap job there and try to figure out what I want to do with my life.

Back home, I reconnected with A, a guy that I had briefly been "going out" with in high school before C. He hadn't taken our break up back then well, but I ignored that. By this point I hadn't been pregnant for a year and a half and I was taking birth control pills religiously. Thought I was fine. A. looked good to me now we were both out of high school. The fact that he was living with his parents and had never had a job (after three years out of high school, this was an unusual thing in 1986) didn't raise any red flags for me. Long story short, I ended up pregnant again. This time went to a women's clinic in Des Moines. He went with me we split the cost of the procedure (another $250). This clinic was great and kind to me, as well. Again with the feeling of relief.

I never felt any sort of guilt over any of my abortions. I was very embarrassed about having gotten pregnant when I clearly wasn't ready to have kids. I felt like I knew better. But the truth was, I WAS doing what I was supposed to do. It just wasn't working. I spent a very long time blaming myself and thinking poorly of myself when the it was failed medicine, not me.

I became an evangelical christian for a while, and then I felt guilty for not feeling guilty about having had four abortions. I delved deeply into the bible. I studied it intensely for a long time. I looked to really truly understand what god might have to say about my abortions. I could not find anywhere in the bible where it taught that abortion was murder. This isn't wishful thinking on my part. I was TRYING to find the parts that would make me feel guilty. They just aren't there. The bible doesn't teach a single thing about abortion. Further study on my part, this time looking into some of the Jewish traditions and teachings, I found that really, there is no condemnation of abortion.

So not even god was angry about me having a medical procedure. I'm no longer christian. I'm firmly an atheist. But I know a fuck ton about what the bible has to say on abortion. Or more significantly, what it doesn't say.

How are things for me now? I have been with my spouse for 33 years. We built a house in 2004 in the woods in New England. We've been able to take many trips abroad since around 2010. We paid off the mortgage on our house in 2020, when I was 55 years old. This made it possible for me to retire at age 55 from my job as a database developer that I'd been doing for 21 years. I've been retired for just over a year (working part time at the same place, though, making some money so my spouse can retire in a couple of years). I have financial security and a spouse who adores me and who is someone I love more than anyone else in the entire world. I do not have any children. Turns out the that polycystic ovary syndrome made me infertile in my mid 20s. We'd talked about adopting, but I eventually realized that I didn't want to be a mom. My spouse never wanted kids, but had been willing to be a parent so I could be one if I wanted. So that worked out well for us both.

I have no more regrets or guilt over having had four pregnancy terminations than I have over getting my gall bladder removed when it started causing me regular pain.

[cristinablackthornkingson]

Arc of a Scythe Short Story- What Might Have Been.

It is a cold day late in the year of the Capybara, when an announcement is made by Supreme Blade Kahlo that rocks the Scythedom to its core.

Broadcasting her speech from Endura, to every region across the world, Supreme Blade Kahlo announces that after much deliberation, it has been decided amongst herself and the 6 other Grandslayers, that the ninth commandment is outdated and unnecessary and will therefore be removed, with immediate affect. Scythes are now free to marry and have children, though at this time they may only do so with other scythes, though that is not to say that this rule will never change. 

Supreme Blade Kahlo also announces that in 2 weeks time, whoever is chosen as High Blade of Midmerica, between Scythe Curie and Scythe Goddard, will be the first High Blade who will pass the title down to any child they have, when they feel ready to step down. If they have no children, a vote will be held in Conclave, as it has always been up until now. 

Two weeks later the scythedom and the world as a whole, is rocked to it’s very core once again, when it is finally determined who will be High Blade of Midmerica.

The 7 Grandslayers deliberated and discussed the topic of Scythe Goddard not being a fully trained Scythe since Tyger Salazar’s body was repurposed so Goddard could be revived, before calling the 4 scythes back into the room.

“We have decided, after much discussion and debate.” Supreme Blade Kahlo begins right away “That Honorable Scythe Robert Goddard does in fact qualify as a fully trained and ordained Scythe, the repurposed body was efficiently trained as any Scythe would be, and though it may not have been in the traditional and formal way, Scythe Rand did an exceptional job with her training of the donor.” 

Goddard smirks and gives Curie and Anastasia a smug look, while Scythe Rand stands there looking very pleased with herself. 

It takes everything Anastasia has not to scream at The Grandslayers that they have made the wrong choice, a dreadful and awful choice, perhaps a year ago she would have, but Marie has taught her to calm her temper and keep her cool. 

“And of the matter of who will be High blade? Will we have to wait until next Conclave to see the results of the vote cast last Conclave?” Goddard asks calmly. Supreme Blade Kahlo shakes her head. 

“No I do not see a need to wait. We will open the results here and now, and let the winner return to Midmerica as the new High-Blade.” 

An attendant quietly steps up to Grandslayer Kahlo’s side and wordlessly hands her a plain black tablet.

There is a tense silence in the few seconds it takes Supreme Blade Kahlo to open and look at the results of the vote. When she looks up from the tablet her face gives nothing away. She turns to look at Goddard and in a clam and toneless voice, says

“Congratulations Honorable Scythe Goddard, you have been voted in as Mid-Mercia's new High blade.” Goddard grins proudly and smugly, bowing dramatically as if he has just won some sort of competition. 

“Thank you, Your Exalted Excellency.” He says. “It will be my honor to oversee Mid-Merica.”

“Yes I’m sure it will be.” Supreme Blade Kahlo sighs, for the first time showing any sort of emotion or bias toward the situation. “All four of you may leave now, our business here is done.”

Scythe Curie sighs softly and quietly and surprises Anastasia when she puts an arm around her shoulders in a very motherly gesture of affection. 

“Come along dear, lets go for a walk and take some time to process this.” She can tell how upset and angry Anastasia is, and of course she does not blame her one bit, she is also feeling devastated and full of anger, but at somewhere around 220, she is much better equipped to deal with her emotions than Anastasia is at hardly 19.

Anastasia rests her head against Scythe Curie’s shoulder and lets a single tear run down her face. 

“I’m sorry you lost.” She quietly says. Scythe Curie squeezes her arm and brushes back a lock of Anastasia’s dark and curly hair. 

“Me too dear, me too.”

In just a matter of hours Scythe Curie and Anastasia decide that neither of them can stand to stay in a region overseen by Goddard, and make the decision to move to Amazonia with Scythe Faraday, to help him find the founding scythe’s fail safe, and hopefully defeat Goddard. 

All 4 Scythes return to Mid-Merica two days later, though Anastasia and Marie only return to collect what little they left behind in Falling Water and to say goodbye to their friends, before boarding a train to Amazonia, where Scythe Faraday is waiting for them.

While Marie and Anastasia make some life changing decisions, so do Scythe Goddard and Scythe Rand. 

A week after returning from Endura, Scythe Rand steps into the kitchen of Goddard’s Fulcrum City Chalet where the two of them along with Goddard’s other undersycthes live, to see Goddard sitting at the kitchen table looking stressed and flustered, while looking through a stack of papers in front of him.

“What are you doing?” Rand asks curiously, peering at the papers over Goddard’s shoulder, they seem to be profiles of some sort, perhaps his next gleaning victims? 

“I am looking for a surrogate.” He replies in a neutral tone, giving Rand a bit of a shock. A surrogate? To get pregnant and have a child? For Goddard? 

“A surrogate?” Rand repeats in a shocked tone.

“Yes Ayn, a surrogate. You know the new laws about High-blades, it will be an inherited position from now on. I need a child, multiple children actually, to pass my leadership onto once I desire a more simple life, I cannot chance someone like Anastasia getting their hands on the title of High-Blade, so therefore I need a child, and in order to have a child I need eggs and a uterus, and since I have no time or want for romantic or sexual relations, a surrogate is my best option.” Goddard explains to her in an irritated tone, as is she is an idiot for not realizing this. 

“Oh.” Is all Rand can manage to say, still quiet shocked. 

“The trouble is, I cannot seem to find a suitable candidate, I have looked through thousands of profiles of potential surrogates over the last week, and have not found one that I am pleased with.” Goddard sighs in a tone of frustration. Just then, in idea comes to mind for Ayn, perhaps a crazy one but one worth giving a shot, nonetheless. 

“I’ll do it.” She says, before she can stop herself. “I’ll be your surrogate.” This gets a bitter laugh out of Goddard. 

“Nice try Ayn but I have already told you I am not interested in sleeping with you.” He tells her. 

“We don’t have to have sex, we can do artificial insemination. Think about it Robert, I’m the perfect candidate. You’ve known me since I was 17, you mentored and trained me and made me into the Scythe I am today. You know I share and hold the same beliefs and values as you, we could make a strong and healthy child together, a perfect heir.” Ayn can hardly believe she’s saying this, she has never wanted children before, nor had a desire to be pregnant, but how could she turn down the chance to be connected to Goddard forever? To carry his child and no doubt become an even more important part of his life.

Goddard is quiet and pensive for a moment, before speaking again. 

“If I agree to this, you understand that is simply a transaction, and nothing else? You will of course be welcome to be in the child’s life but you understand that this will not change my feelings about you?” He asks. Rand nods. 

“Yes absolutely” 

“Alright then.” Goddard sweeps the stack of papers in front of him, into the bin. “Lets find you a doctor and get this process started.” 

Two months later, Ayn finds herself nervously standing in one of the many bathrooms in the chalet, in regular street clothes with her hair swept up into a ponytail, staring down at a pregnancy test lying in the sink, or to be more precise a positive pregnancy test. 

It has only been a few weeks since she and Goddard made their attempt at conceiving a child, and it has been hell waiting the recommended two weeks to take a pregnancy test, Ayn had wanted to test before now but Goddard insisted they wait. 

Ayn isn’t exactly sure how to feel about the fact that she is now pregnant, on one hand she is of course thrilled and delighted, this is what she wanted after all, but on the other hand she can’t help but feel nervous and frightened, she’s never been around a pregnant person before and has no idea how pregnancy is going to affect her.

Brushing her concerns and worries away, Any picks the test up and steps out into the hallway, where Goddard is waiting. His head immediately snaps up from his tablet when he hears the door open, and he looks at his undersycthe questioningly. 

“Well?” He asks. Ayn smiles and holds the test up. 

“Told you I was your best choice, pregnant on the first try.” She tells him in a breathy, excited tone. 

Goddard grins and sets his tablet down, before pulling Ayn closer to him. He looks down at her stomach in awe for a moment, before placing his hand on her stomach.

“My child, my heir, you will change the world.” 

______________________________________________________________

Meanwhile in Amazonia, things are also dramatically changing. Just weeks after arriving in the country, Marie decided it was time to turn a corner, and decided that if she were to spend the next god knows how many years fighting Goddard, she would need to be younger and fitter than 40, so chose to reset to 32. When Marie turned a corner, so did Michael, also setting back down into his 30s, 35 to be exact. 

Almost immediately he and Marie had rekindled their relationship, now it was no longer illegal and forbidden. They may have claimed to be nothing but friends over the last 70 years but truthfully neither of them has stopped loving the other for one single second. 

Having already been in love with and having already known Marie for a very, very long time, Michael wasted no time in proposing to her. It was one of the happiest moments of his life when Marie agreed to marry him, only comparable to the moment in a small registry office with only Anastasia to witness, that they became husband and wife at long last.

It’s been a few weeks now since their wedding, and they now have the small bungalow beach house to themselves, since Anastasia found a place of her own only 10 minutes away. 

On this particular day Marie has noticed how odd she’s been feeling lately, this morning she was nauseous for hours and even threw up once, which is very unlike her, she’s also consistently been very tired over the last few days, and has been having extremely odd food cravings, things she would never usually dream of having are suddenly the greatest delicacy on earth. Perhaps she’s just adjusting to being so young again, for the first time in a long time.

It is not until later in the day, that Marie realizes the most obvious answer to her ailments, was the only one she never thought of. 

It has just gone 2 P.M. and Michael has gone out for a walk. Marie is getting ready to go to the store to get some ingredients for dinner tonight. She decides that while she’s there she might as well pick up any other things they need, so heads to the bathroom to check if they have enough toothpaste. 

When she opens the cupboard in the bathroom, one of the first  things Marie notice is an unopened packet of pads siting at the front of the cupboard. ‘That’s odd’ She thinks to herself. ‘I don’t usually have a whole packet left over.’ she then realizes that she actually doesn’t know when her last period was, she knows she’s had one since turning the corner, they always return immediately, for her, and she’s almost certain she should have had at least two more by now. 

With a frown Marie pulls her phone from her pocket and quickly pulls up her calendar app, her heart sinking and her face paling when she realizes that she missed her period altogether last month, and is 5 days late this month. 

She immediately flashes back to her wedding night, how she and Michael were so happy to finally be together again, without having to sneak around, that caution and safety were the very last things on their minds. When they were together in secret all those years ago, they were also so very careful to use protection, but this time they never even mentioned it.

Quickly Marie shoves her phone back into her pocket and hastily makes her way to the store, where she quickly grabs all the ingredients for dinner, before picking up a pack of 2 pregnancy tests.

Marie hurriedly pays for her things and rushes back home, hoping to make it there before Michael gets back from his walk.

She decides to take just one test for now, and if it’s hard to read then she can take the other. However, the second test isn’t needed at all, as Marie watches the second pink line gradually appear, dark and definite. Shit.

She and Michael had discussed having children before, but now was not the right time, they needed to find the land of Nod, and the founding Scythes fail safe, in order to take down Goddard, they couldn’t do that with a baby or while Marie was heavily pregnant. 

Just then she hears the front door open and close, and hears Michael calling out to tell her he’s home. Marie takes a deep breath, grabs the pregnancy test from the sink, hiding it in her sleeve and walks out into the living room, her heart skipping a beat at the sight of Michael, as it always does. 

“Have a nice walk?” She asks, trying to keep the fear from her voice. 

“I suppose you could say that, I was very caught up in my thoughts, mainly about Nod and finding the fail safe. You know I love finally spending time with you like this and living this domesticated life we always wanted, but I think we ought to set out for Nod soon, we can’t let Goddard stay in power for too long.” Michael tells her, a hint of guilt in his tone, guilt at dragging her from this peaceful and happy life she always wanted, to take down Goddard.

“Actually Michael, I think that’s going to have to wait, quiet a while.” Marie nervously begins. Michael gives her a confused look. 

“Why?” He asks. Marie lets out a sigh and holds up the pregnancy test for him to see. 

“I’m pregnant.” Michael is silent for a moment, making Marie worry that he is upset and doesn’t want this baby, but instead he breaks out into a wide grin and embraces Marie tightly. 

“This is amazing.” He softly says, kissing the top of her head. “That is the best thing I’ve ever heard, I love you, I love you both so much.” 

“Really? Are you really happy?” Marie asks in a tight tone, wiping at her tears when Michael pulls back from the embrace. 

“Of course I am, there is nothing I’ve wanted more for so very long.” Michael tells her, taking her hands in his and squeezing them lovingly. 

“What about Nod? We can hardly set out for an unknown destination with a baby or while I’m pregnant.” Marie asks, worried that maybe Michael will set out for Nod without her, and their child could end up never knowing their father.

“We’ll figure it out, we always do. One thing is for certain Marie, I’m not leaving you or our baby, ever.” He leans his forehead against hers and places his hand over her stomach. Marie smiles and lets the tears of joy flow, placing her hand over Michael’s. 

“I love you.” 

“And I you.”

***4 months later****

It is a cool Autumn day in Mid-Merica when Scythe Rand and Scythe Goddard find themselves standing in a darkened ultrasound suite at the best hospital Mid-Merica has to offer, waiting for Ayn’s 4 month ultrasound to begin. 

She has had a few ultrasounds before, but non that Goddard attended, he was not interested in being present for an ultrasound until he could see the baby clearly and hear a heartbeat, which is now possible at 4 months. 

Lying there on the medical exam bed with her shirt (she had worn street clothes instead of her robes, for simplicity sake.) hiked up to the top of her rib-cage, Robert at her side while the doctor sets up for the ultrasound, Ayn almost wants to reach out and grab Robert’s hand, let herself believe they are an actual couple seeing their child together for the first time, but she knows he will reject her.

Instead she turns to look at Robert, to gauge his reaction to the situation, and notices him staring at her swollen stomach. It gives her the sensation of butterflies in her stomach. 

“Like what you see?” She teases, hoping that perhaps he will give into his physical attraction to her, now she’s carrying his child.

“Just interesting is all, to know that my child is in there.” He calmly replies. Before Ayn can respond, the doctor speaks up. 

“Alright, ready to begin?” She asks. Both Scythes nod, and Ayn turns her gaze away from Robert at this moment, feeling a twinge of nervousness for some reason, it’s not like anything could be wrong with the baby, the worst that happens in pregnancy these days is an early birth, but even then a premature baby can immediately be helped by the Thunderhead.

As the doctor squirts the cold gel onto Ayn’s stomach and presses the wand into her stomach and begins to move it around, Ayn keeps her gaze on the ceiling, waiting for the nervous feeling to pass. 

“Everything looks good, baby is measuring right on track and the heartbeat looks good and healthy.” The doctor declares a few moments later, which is when Ayn’s nerves seem to settle. 

“Can I see? And hear the heartbeat?” Goddard asks. The doctor nods and clicks a few buttons. Within seconds an image is projected onto the second screen next to the exam bed, and the room is filled with a loud and steady thumping sound, like that of horses hooves running. 

“Amazing.” Goddard says in a tone of awe. “That’s my child, my son or daughter.”

Suddenly, Ayn can’t keep her gaze away and turns to look at the screen, immediately feeling her heart warm when she is met with the black and white image of a small but clearly outlined baby. She can see their hands and feet, can see them moving around inside of her. 

“Oh.” Ayn softly says, suddenly feeling an overwhelming rush of love for the tiny baby inside her, a love like she has never known before.  

“Boy or girl?” Goddard asks. 

“Boy.” The doctor tells him with a smile. 

At this, Ayn can’t help but suddenly feel a connection to this baby growing inside her, suddenly it_no, he, does not just feel like a far off thought, but a real live person inside of her, someone who is going to rely on her for love and comfort and safety. 

Almost as soon as those thoughts enter her mind, Ayn brushes them off. She cannot become attached to this child, he is not hers, not really, he’s Robert’s, she’s just the egg donor and the carrier. This is not the making of a family, it is a transaction ,a favor to the man who made her into the woman she is today, nothing more. 

Later that day, back in Goddard’s Chalet, Scythe Rand is sitting in a chair in her room, reading a book, when she suddenly feels a gentle thudding/tapping sensation in her stomach. It catches her completely off guard, and she freezes trying to figure out what it was, when it happens again, and she realizes it was the baby kicking, the first kick. 

Rand sets her book down and slowly smooths her t-shirt down, her hand resting across her stomach. She feels another kick just then, and can’t help but let out a light and breathy laugh. 

“Hello there.” She quietly says to her stomach. As if responding, the baby gives another kick, a stronger one this time. “That was a big one, are you saying hello back to me? Do you know who I am? Do you recognize my voice?” Ayn runs a hand down her stomach, feeling that same rush of love and strong sense of attachment, that she felt earlier in the day at the hospital. She starts to wonder if she’s doing the right thing, if Goddard will be a good father to this child, will he love their son, as a father should, or only view him as a weapon, a means to an end? A way to carry on his legacy? She doesn’t want this baby to suffer, ever, even if it is for their own good.

Ayn quickly snaps out of this odd mood, shaking these odd thoughts and feelings away and taking her hands off her stomach, reminding herself that how this baby is raised is non of her concern.

The next morning, just a short while after Ayn wakes up and gets out of bed, the door to her room flies open and Goddard strides in, his blue robes billowing behind him. 

“Ayn, get dressed quickly, I’ve decided that we are going to announce the pregnancy to the world today, let them know that even after I step down, The New Order is not going anywhere.” Goddard hurriedly tells her, picking her robes up and shoving them into her arms.

“I...why do I need to be there?” Ayn asks, a little hesitant to share the news with the whole world, these past 4 months the only ones who have known about her pregnancy are she, Robert, Nietzsche, Constantine and the doctors who helped Ayn and Robert conceive the baby, and the doctors who have been providing medical care for Ayn and the baby the last 5 months.

“The speech is being televised and I want the world to see this, the proof that my child is on the way, my heir.” Goddard tells her, splaying his hand across her bump. She can’t help but a feel a little weak at his touch, her feelings for him have only intensified through the pregnancy, even if she knows he will never feel the same for her.

She thinks about telling him about the baby kicking for the first time yesterday, but decides she wants to keep that to herself, for now at least. 

She quickly dresses in her robes and follows Robert out onto the balcony of the chalet, where a microphone has been set up, along with 4 cameras, 2 trained on the microphone where Goddard will stand, and two trained to the spot beside him, where Ayn will stand. On the streets below, massive crowds have gathered to hear The High-Blades speech.

“Ready when you are, Your Honors.” One of the camera men say. Robert turns to Ayn and flashes her a smile, before gesturing for her to step up to her spot, as he steps up to the microphone. 

“My good people of Midmerica, and of the world. Today, Underscythe Rand and I bring you some wonderful news, news that will change the world and the Scythedom. Several months ago, I decided I needed an heir, and I was not looking forward to having to try and find someone worthy enough to bear my child, to carry the heir to the Mid-Merican Scythedom. But then, then I found the most perfect person for the job, and she is standing here beside me today. Ayn, show them.” Robert says in a booming tone, turning to look at Ayn at the end.  

Instantly knowing what he means, Ayn smooths her robes down around her stomach so that her bump is clear to see.

“As you can see, Scythe Rand and I are expecting a child. At this moment Ayn is 5 months along and the pregnancy has been a breeze for her, she and our child are doing very well, and in 4 short months she will give birth to the first in line to take over as High Blade of Mid-Merica.. We have recently learned that we are expecting a boy, and we will be making a formal and public appearance when he is born, much like this one. Scythe Rand, is there anything you would like to add?” Goddard asks, turning to look at Ayn, who in this moment has never felt more important or proud.

“Just that I am honored and thrilled to be carrying this child, who will change the world, Robert and I are starting a new generation of Scythes who will uphold The New Order and the honor of being a Scythe.” Robert grins and nods approvingly. 

“Any gifts for the heir are more than welcome and should be left with the guards at the entrance to this very chalet. We will put out a formal statement when the child is born, so you know when to return for his first appearance. Oh, and anybody who even looks at Ayn or my child the wrong way, can be promised a slow and painful gleaning.” With that, Robert steps back and ushers Rand inside. 

This news, unsurprisingly, comes as a huge shock to the world, and the scythedom in specific. 

In Amazonia, Michael and Marie are trying to work through their shock, having just finished listening to the broadcast. 

“And here I thought we were the ones making history again, thinking we were the first to have a child after the removal of the 9th Commandment.” Marie quietly says, running a hand down her stomach. 

“Yes, so did I.” Michael quietly says, seeming pensive. “It’s more important than ever that we find the fail safe now, before Goddard can raise that child to be a mini him.” Marie nods her agreement. 

“I agree but it’s still going to have to wait a while, I’ve done a lot of things in my life but giving birth in the middle of nowhere is not going to be one of them, and we can’t take a brand new baby out into the middle of nowhere, with no revival centers or anything.” Marie says, already worried for the little life growing inside of her. 

“We could go when the baby is older, around 1, perhaps? I know it’s not ideal but it’s so vital we find the fail safe, and we will both do everything we possibly can to keep the baby safe.” Michael suggests. Marie thinks about if for a minute, before nodding in agreement. As he said, it’s not ideal, but it will have to do, Goddard must be stopped.

______________________________________________________________

Over the next number of months, Ayn finds herself growing more and more attached to the baby she is carrying, unable to help herself from talking to him, and thinking what it will be like when he’s born. She hates nothing more than to hear Robert talking about how he will raise his son to be the best Scythe that ever walked the earth, and how his son will not only one day rule Mid-Merica, but the rest of the world too. 

To her, he is far more than a prodigy and an heir, the baby she carries is an innocent life who deserves a chance to be whatever he wants, not forced into Scythehood. She often has to remind herself that is exactly why this baby was conceived, and exactly why Goddard chose her to carry his child, they share the same ideals and thoughts and beliefs, they have the same goals, the child will thank them for everything, when one day he is the most powerful Scythe in the world. 

When Ayn is 8 months along, just 3 weeks from her due-date, as a gift to her for all she has done the last 8 months, Goddard takes her to a mass-gleaning, at a tonist cloister.

Usually Ayn loves to glean, especially pesky and irritating tonists, but today for some reason, her heart just isn’t in it and she has decided to step back and watch Robert do what he’s best at, gleaning. 

A few minutes in and he starts spouting his usual crap about being the tonists completion, a master of all and someone to give thanks to. Then things change a little, he seems to be going mad with power.

“My legacy will not stop with me!” Goddard bellows at the tonists. “For when it is my time to step down, my son will take my place, my heir and prodigy and he will show you no mercy either, he will be the greatest Scythe the Scythedom will have ever seen, he will uphold the New Order and my ideals and continue to rid the world of pathetic menaces to society like you! I_” But before Goddard can continue his rant, he is suddenly cut off, and the blade of a knife pierces through his chest, in the very same spot as his heart.

As Goddard’s face grows slack with shock and he buckles to his knees, the life seeping out of him, the tonists are met with the sight of Rand standing there, a bloody knife clutched in her hand, her chest rising and falling and a hand resting on her stomach. 

She couldn’t listen to him anymore, could not take hearing him talk about their child as if he is nothing but a weapon for Goddard to use, nothing but an insurance policy. Ayn could not take it anymore, she can’t deny it now, she loves her child, has grown attached to him and formed a bond with him, she never meant to but she has, and she will not let anyone harm a single hair on his head or force him to do anything he does not want.

 “If you wish to be spared.” Rand grinds out through gritted teeth. “Then you will go and spread the word that Scythe Goddard has been killed by unsavories who have burned his body, you will not mention that I was here, and if you do I will glean you and your entire family, is that clear?” The tonists immediately nod, agreeing readily. 

Ayn quickly makes arrangements to have Goddard’s body hidden off-grid and preserved until she can decide what to do with him. Once that is done, she makes her way to the nearest public car, intent on getting as far away from here as possible.

Just as Ayn pulls the car door shut after her, she is hit with a wave of pain in her stomach, that has turned rock-hard under her hand. Seconds later the pain is followed by a gush of water from between her legs, soaking the car seat and her robes. 

“Oh no.” Ayn quietly says to herself. She wasn’t prepared to go into labor today, she isn’t due for another month, but the stress of the day must have sent her into labor. 

“What is your destination?” The car asks in it’s emotionless and robotic voice. 

“The nearest hospital.” 

Thankfully, Ayn’s robe and ring get her a lot of attention straight away and she is quickly escorted to a large and comfortable room on the labor ward, where she is able to change out of her wet robes and into a dry hospital gown.

Her labor is long and painful, and quiet honestly terrifying. She has no idea what’s going to happen once the baby is born, now that Goddard is dead and their arrangement is obviously over, how is she going to fare as a mother? A single mother no less? It had never been in her plan to have children, yet here she is, hours away from giving birth to her mentor’s child, her mentor who she killed.

The pushing is the worst part, undoubtedly, it lasts for hours and takes every ounce of energy Ayn has, not to mention it hurts like hell since she has her pain-nanites turned off, has done since she was 17 and first apprenticed with Goddard. 

After 3 hours of pushing, Ayn is feeling ready to give up, for the first time in her life, unsure of how much more she can take. 

“Baby’s out up to his shoulders, Your Honor, the worst part is over, just one, maybe two more pushes now and he should be here.” The doctor tells Ayn in an encouraging tone. 2 more pushes, she can do 2 more pushes. 

Gripping the back of her legs for support, Ayn leans forward into the push, groaning at the pain, her face turning red from the strain and effort of pushing. 

“That’s it Your Honor, keep going baby’s out up to his tummy now, just a few more seconds!” The doctor tells her in an excited tone. Scrunching her face up, Ayn pushes down even harder than before and lets out a loud yell of pain, before she feels a weight lift from her and hears a baby start to cry. She sighs in relief and relaxes back into the pillows.

Seconds later the baby is placed on her chest, and the nurse by her side starts to rub and wipe the white vernix and blood off of the baby. 

Ayn immediately puts her arms around her baby, pulling him closer to her and peering down into his little face. He is so utterly perfect, and before she knows it tears of joy start to spill down her face. 

“Hello.” She says through the tears. “Hello little one, oh my god you’re so perfect, I can’t believe I made you! I love you, I love you so much.” She presses a kiss to his little head full of thick dark brown hair, inhaling his sweet scent and never wanting to let him go. 

“Do you have a name for him, Your Honor?” The nurse asks. 

“Alex.” Ayn immediately says, not even having to think about it. “Alexander James, but I’ll call him Alex for short.” 

“Shall I put Rand as his last name?” The nurse asks. Ayn shakes her head.

“No, put Kwon, my birth surname, and put his mother’s name down as Olivia Kwon.” From the second little Alex was placed on her chest, Ayn knew she could never return to being Scythe Ayn Rand, this little boy has already changed her so completely and she is going to devote her life to loving him, raising him and supporting him.

“And the father’s name?” The nurse asks. This, Ayn has to think about for a second. While she is thinking, she looks back down at little Alex and really takes in his features for the first time, he has light brown skin, her eye shape and bone structure, and long elegant fingers like Goddard. No, not like Goddard, like Tyger. In that moment she knows what she has to do. 

________________________________________________________________

When words of Goddard’s death soon reaches the rest of the Scythedom, Marie is called back to Endura, by The Grandslayers. 

Michael, of course goes with her, seeing as she is 7 months pregnant, he is extremely concerned for her and worried at all times. 

He is by her side when she stands by the 7 Grandslayers once again, waiting to hear why the have called her back here. 

“As I am sure you are aware.” Supreme Blade Kahlo begins, not one to waste time with small talk. “High Blade Goddard has met an untimely end at the hands of unsavories, and we are unable to find Scythe Rand who when last seen, was pregnant with Goddard’s child, heir to the position of High Blade. She cannot be traced by her ring nor has she been seen since before High Blade Goddard’s death.

In this case, we need a new High Blade, and not just a stand in until Goddard’s child comes of age.

Honorable Scythe Curie, you were only 1 vote away from winning the election against Goddard, and I fully believe you would and will do an excellent job as High Blade. Therefore the 6 other Grandslayers and I have decided that we will not hold another election, rather that you, Honorable Scythe Marie Curie, will be our next High Blade.” 

Marie can’t say she’s surprised, she had suspected this may be the reason The Grandslayers wished to speak with her again, but she had not wanted to accept it. High Blade is not a position she desires, especially when she is just about to become a mother.

“Do you accept your appointment as High Blade, Scythe Curie?” Kahlo asks. Marie nods, knowing that though she does not want to be High Blade, she needs to be.

“Yes, Your Exalted Excellency, I accept the position.” Marie says in a confident tone, straightening her posture and holding her head high.

“Very good, then you shall return to Mid-Merica and begins your duties as High Blade by cleaning up the mess Goddard has left behind.”

That is exactly what they do, Marie, Michael and Anastasia all return to Fulcrum City, and spend the next 2 months restoring order and justice to The Scythedom. 

2 months after being appointed High Blade, Marie wakes up one morning to a damp feeling beneath her and strange, surge like pains in her stomach. 

‘I think my water broke.’ Marie thinks to herself, pulling the blankets back and (with some effort due to the sizable bump in her way) pushes herself off the bed. Just when she gets to her feet, there is a trickle of water from between her legs, quickly soaking the floor beneath her. 

“Michael!” Marie calls, lowering herself back down onto the edge of the bed. Michael appears in the doorway just seconds later, a look of panic and worry on his face. 

“Is everything alright?” He anxiously asks. 

“My water broke, the baby’s coming.” 

Michael’s jaw drops and his eyes widen in shock. He quickly turns on his heel to grab his phone and call the midwife, seeing as Marie decided to have a home birth.

The next few hours pass by quickly and peacefully, with Marie able to handle the pain very well, and both she and Michael feeling more eager than ever to meet their child. 

Thankfully Marie’s labor isn’t too long, only 4 hours in total, and only 1 of those is spent pushing. 

At 1:03 P.M. on the 23rd of March, Year of The Cobra, Marie grips Michael’s hand, takes a deep breath and gives one final push, before seconds later feeling a weight lift from her and a sharp and loud wail pierce the air. 

“It’s a girl!” The midwife happily announces, quickly passing the baby up to Marie, who pulls her daughter close to her chest and lets the tears of joy fall. 

“Hello baby girl.” Marie quietly says, looking down at her daughter. “You are simply the most beautiful and perfect baby ever, I love you so much.” 

Michael quickly wipes at his own tears, before stroking his daughter’s cheek and looking at her in awe, hardly able to believe he made her, he and Marie, and that he gets the honor of loving and raising her for the rest of his life. 

“Hello little one, little Sophie, Sophie Amelia Faraday-Curie, I’ve waited over 200 hundred years to meet you and every second was worth it.” Michael softly says, his heart beyond full of love for his beautiful daughter. 

“You have no idea Sophie, how very wanted you were, and how very loved you are. You are the most precious thing in the world, Sophie, and I promise I will be the best mother you could ask for, you’re my priority and I will always love and support you.” Michael puts his arms around his wife and daughter, and leans down to kiss Sophie’s forehead. 

“As will I, you are so loved Sophie. I have been given many an honor in my life, but being your dad is without a doubt, the single best thing ever to happen to me.”

________________________________________________________________

When Tyger wakes up, he’s not so sure where he is. The room he is in is completely unfamiliar to him, and the last thing he remembers is boarding a train to Texas, to go work for that Scythe who contacted him. Did that happen? Did he splat? Is that what this is, a revival center in Texas? It makes sense, it seems similar to other revival centers he’s been in, and if he went deadish in way that messed with his brain, his memories would only be backed up to when he left for Texas. 

Tyger runs his hands across his face in an attempt to shake off the groggy feeling he has, but something doesn’t feel right. His nose isn’t the same shape and there’s stubble on his chin and jawline, which he never had before.

“Good to see you’re awake, Tyger.” a vaguely familiar feminine voice says. Tyger turns his head in the direction the sound came from, and sees a tall woman sitting in a chair by his bed, she has straight black hair that stops just at the top of her neck, she is wearing an emerald green blouse paired with dark blue jeans and black boots. Tyger vaguely recognizes her, from a party he attended once, Scythe Rand is her name, she flirted with him a bit at the party and he can’t deny he felt something between them. She looks a bit different now, her hair use to tumble past her shoulders, now it is much shorter, and she looks different out of her robes.

Then Tyger notices the most surprising thing of all. In her arms, Scythe Rand is carefully cradling a baby, who looks to be no more than a month old at most. The baby is dressed in an emerald green onsie and is suckling contentedly on a pacifier, looking all around him with big curious eyes. His little head is covered in a mop of dark brown hair and he seems very content and at peace in Scythe Rand’s arms, holding tightly onto her thumb as he takes in his surroundings. Actually, he kind of looks like Scythe Rand.

“I... Uh... why do you have a baby?” Tyger asks in a confused tone, still trying to get his bearings together. 

Rand smiles and shifts closer to Tyger so he can get a better look at the baby.

“This is Alex, our son, your son.”