#but again I just loooove being forced to go lay in the dark

[arcaneacolyte]

Sure do love when a migraine hits like an hour and a half before I'm supposed to go to bed and wake up early for work.

[sminiac]

Congrats on 400 followers🎉🥳🥳. Could you do a scenario for Piwon and how they would break up with you/ their reaction to realizing that they don’t love you anymore?

💌 — Thank you sm sweets! <3 I loooove writing angst even though I don’t get reqs for it, BUT YES. Was lowkey excited to pull up my feels playlist for this :b

⋆ Y. Keeho

So, so quiet, and diluted. He’s very naive when it comes to loving someone so in the first flicker of insecurity he’s immediately calling it quits in fear of dragging something out that’ll possibly never lead to anything deeper, or getting too attached to a point where it’s unnecessarily difficult and painful.

Curls in on himself more and more in the days leading up to him finally talking to you and when he does it, it’s not the most surprising thing. Hearing him abruptly cut off from his words and backing away from his train of thought because the tears find home in his throat so easily. Seeing him like this is rare, you’re so used to the talking being passed off to one another so seamlessly but he just continues struggling through his sentences no matter how many deep breaths and attempts to compose himself he takes. He really tries to communicate with you, lay everything out, plain and simple, but unfortunately he just can’t, his emotions get the best of him which both you and him know is completely unlike him.

He’s able to explain everything to you at a later date, which is just salt in a fresh wound, but he knows he can’t go on living like nothing that serious happened, especially after leaving you in the dark. Asks if you can meet up for coffee or call or something, is willing to write a handwritten letter if that’s what it takes to get you to hear him out. His reasonings for seeing you again are partly in best interest of himself, but he likes to think it gives you some sense of closure too, or at least a solid placement on your feelings towards him. The conversation goes quite smoothly compared to his first attempt, he even finds himself comparing the two of you now to when you first got together, it’s bittersweet, but he still cares for you so he doesn’t force it away. Holds your hand over the table while reminiscing, sharing old funny stories before parting ways.

Remainder of members under the cut!

��� C. Taeyang

Doesn’t realize nor feel the gravity of the circumstances that follow his decision to leave you. In fact, in the beginning he plays with the idea as it sparks to life, figures that the cons probably far outweigh the pros anyways, so why is he really playing along with you? Hes just so busy and caught up in the limelight that he realistically can’t even begin to remember all the details, the good points in your relationship, he’s far too fast to make a concrete resolution for his own absentmindedness, and inevitably it comes back to bite him in the ass.

Very straightforward, although there’s a tenderness to his disposition the more he lets the words flow. The more he talks the more he realizes how absurd this all sounds, and he’s quick to point out any of his faults and ignorance right in front of you. The conversation does nothing but solidify his point, but it also helps him understand just how gracious you are to him, how you’ve always been, and that keeps him on track because he knows that if you were to stay that you wouldn’t be able to find that growth if your own. Sets you free in a way, even if that sounds cringy and silly, he just doesn’t want to keep you to himself- nailed to the ground when you have so much ahead of you in your life, and the life of an idol wasn’t always so easy or kind to exclusivity.

Towards the end he recalls all of the milestones he’s hit with you by his side, behind the camera, always his number 1, reminds you that if you weren’t here he probably wouldn’t have made it this far. He literally counts his blessings whilst calling himself an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

⋆ C. Jiung

The type of ex you can be friends with and be completely platonic with after breaking up let me just say, even if there’s lingering feelings he’s never acting on it or allowing you to either. He’s very quick and precise, as soon as he’s sure, even confident in telling you he’s just not quite in love with you like that anymore then he’s calling you up, telling you to come over. Jiung’s just a very comforting and easy going individual, there’s obviously going to be a palpable sense of sadness in the air but he tries to keep things light instead of saying things to further fuel the tears- it’s kind of silly though, because no matter what he’d unintentionally do just that.

Comes right out and tells you, very straightforward at first,, almost a little too blunt, but he treats the wound with a gentle dressing, reminds you that he does love you, that it’s been there for days and days, that he’s walked with it, ate with it, sang with it, that his love for you won’t just disappear in the matter of seconds because of a change of labels.

Tells you that he understands if distance is what you want, that he won’t overstep or prod if that’s not what you’re comfortable with, so dedicated that he’d make sure any mutual friends don’t speak of him to you if the topic is much too sore to touch on. But! If your boundaries don’t come with a secure extent then he’ll merely act as a friend, not one you’d go to for every rant or life experience, but one that’s there whenever you need him to be. He’d still reach out to congratulate you on every achievement, milestone, every significant date too with a fitting paragraph in thorough detail about whatever it is he’s messaging you abou :,)

⋆ H. Intak

Terribly bitter. Becomes so self deprecating and the jabs at himself are sharp, like- would actually make himself miserable about losing feelings for you. Tries to ignore it, initially he doesn’t even want to acknowledge it, but the longer he lets it sit and fester the more it mercilessly eats away at him. Takes the time to sit and talk with Keeho, sorting his thoughts and tackling the much tougher questions he couldn’t bring himself to face alone, I think he wouldn’t come to the conclusion of breaking up with you himself, it would definitely have to come from someone. The situation doesn’t feel that weighty, or lucid until someone like Keeho is telling him that it’s the only option he has.

“I’m sorry” is said quite a lot when he has the time alone with you, his eyes already bloodshot around the edges and his lips swollen. The time passes by fairly quick in retrospect, but in the moment it feels like it just drags and drags.

Intak genuinely can’t bring himself to touch you or get so close to because he knows that’s when the tears will start again and there will absolutely be no consoling him to get them to stop. Maybe you’ll think of him as being one for dramatics, but he’s just such a lover that it’s crushing to even reach this point that he’s absolutely torn on your behalf. Only makes contact with you for the last time when you’re saying your last goodbyes, your personal belongings back in your care and his shoved into a corner in his room because he physically can’t take them out and sort through it. The hug only lasts for so long before he’s letting you go, choking out a goodbye with a forced smile. He just hopes you can’t see the tears building against his lower lid.

⋆ H. Shota

Soul knows you probably wouldn’t understand, but he tries to wait it out, the feeling of doubt every time he questions himself about loving you. He realized as the days past he grew more and more uncaring about what you were doing, who you were with, he found himself eager to end calls and to be left alone, purposely ignoring any questions his members had about how you were, when they’d see you again.

As soon as he stopped questioning why you didn’t text him or call, how he wasn’t repulsed by the thought of you loving someone else the way you love him, that it was time he broke things off. He deals with his emotions quite simply, chronologically, uses his brain more than his heart because then things are strategical and easy, but things weren’t quite as painless as he expected when finally confessing to you that he wanted to break up.

He knows the tears will come, the resentment, he hates the thought of you ever thinking about him with only a sour taste in your mouth and a shell of his current self kept frozen in your memory, he wants you to know the future him, the bad and the good, but it’s an incredibly selfish thing to ask of you, to stay even if he no longer loves you romantically, it leads to his emotions doubling in size, making his own tears unceasing as he holds you, scared that once he lets go you’ll disappear forever, completely. He goes through with it of course, despite his fears and insurmountable worry, he knows better than to ask you to stay.

⋆ K. Jongseob

Seob Is fairly well acquainted with the ‘you’re so mature for your age’ approach when being complimented on his sterling dedication and drive that keeps him moving forward in the music industry, because, well duh? But the good aspect of knowing how he handles early adulthood gets a little too into his head, therefore he lacks the emotional intelligence to navigate through his feelings when it comes to a point where he’s questioning himself and your relationship because he just doesn’t have the time at his disposal to face it.

He tries to work on himself at first, his doubt, the lack of security you have in place of his side— like a sample track he’s not confident or content with, he tries and tries to make it better, and that’s inevitably the downfall of his efforts, it’s the fact he has to try to keep loving you to begin with.

He’d like to think that he redeems himself by being an open book with you when he sits you down, pouring out all of his bottled thoughts and feeling, but the crushing truth does nothing but keep your aversion to his lack of self understanding stagnant. He’s soft when telling you that the two of you should break up, gentle, because he can’t bring himself to fathom the betrayal you probably feel now knowing how he’s felt under the layers of his forced affection and uninterested feelings.

[starshinz]

ᜊ sdr2 cast watching a baby! contains spoilers for dr2!

sonia !! the ultimate princess!

she is sooo good with babies !!

she's surely had to take child care classes, and every baby she ever comes in contact with loves her.

she's the sweetest! most likely the best person to leave your baby with. there's not much to say, but she's very good with babies.

gundham !! the ultimate breeder!

i feel like he would be good with babies since he spends so much time with animals! he would pick up the practice pretty easily.

he let's all of his hamsters sniff the baby, but he's very cautious about how close the baby is allowed to them. he knows that the baby probably isn't old enough to control its strength, and he doesn't want his animals or the baby to get hurt.

he feeds the baby when he feeds his four dark devas. the baby is well-cared for and well fed.

as much as he may complain about how someone like him shouldn't be saddled with the task of caring for such a trivial thing, he's very sweet.

nagito !! the ultimate lucky student!

he's confused about why he's being handed a baby, and he refuses to care for it until he's forced. he doesn't want any harm to come to it while it's with him, so he does his best to avoid any possible danger.

nagito would probably gets struck by lightning while caring for the baby, but with his luck, the baby makes it out without a scratch. the baby also probably thinks it's the funniest thing in the world though.

he's very kind and the baby is well taken care of.

hajime !!

he's also very confused as to why he's being asked to watch a baby. he probably insists that he's no good at it, but he's probably one of the most reasonable people to give a baby to.

he can easily settle the baby down if its crying and he's very sweet to it. probably one of the only people to use a baby voice. he only does it when he's alone though, and he would die of mortification if someone heard him.

chiaki !! the ultimate gamer!

chiaki occupies the baby with video games. she might put on a video for the baby, or she just let's it watch her play her games. the baby definitely goes home with a headache or migraine because of the bright screen. she let's the baby lay next to her in bed, or in its crib, and she might fall asleep with it.

she probably forgets to eat sometimes due to her constant gaming, so she might forget to feed the baby. or it might help her remember to eat more often. the crying might signal that it's time to eat.

it was a fun experience, but she probably won't be given a baby again.

mikan !! the ultimate nurse!

she would be a good caretaker for a few minutes, but would then get distracted and begin caring for another patient.

she's easily able to multitask, so reasonably she would be able to take care of it and other people, but no parent wants their baby around a bunch of sick people.

she's probably one of the worst people to give the baby to. she'll have a panic attack.

hiyoko !! the ultimate traditional dancer!

she would not give a single fuck.

anything taking attention away from her needs to go away immediately.

i feel like she would grow attached, and refuse to give the baby back. she claims the baby is a "mini-me" of her, even if it looks nothing like her.

she dances for it, and the baby looooves it. the beautiful movements and pretty clothes she wears entertains the baby very easily.

she has someone else change the baby.

mahiru !! the ultimate photographer!

she's very sweet. she might not be the best caretaker, but she has the spirit! the baby would be very content with her, but she might not know exactly what she's doing.

she glares at any males who try and come near her and the baby, immediately making them back off. it doesn't matter even if they're coming over to help, she insists that she can do it on her own.

nekomaru !! the ultimate team manager!

i feel like he would be a good baby watcher. he could easily hold a baby and instruct his teams to do what they need to do. he would look kind of silly while holding a baby, but he wouldn't understand what was so funny about it.

a very well fed and well taken care of baby. it just falls asleep in his arms, content to be held.

he yells quite a lot, so i'm sure he would upset the baby at least a few times with his loud voice. he wakes it up from its naps and then he has to rock it back to sleep.

akane !! the ultimate gymnast!

she might be a good caretaker! but as soon as the baby gets in the way of her training, she's at least a little agitated.

she makes sure that it's well fed and taken care of. she'll also make sure it's changed as soon as it becomes dirty ( due to her very strong sense of smell ), because she couldn't stand the stench of a dirty diaper.

she puts the baby in a chair / stroller / walker in view of her workout and assumes that's good enough.

fuyuhiko !! the ultimate yakuza!

i can't decide if he would love or hate babies.

if he loves them, he would be very quiet about it and would deny it if anyone questioned him. he has a younger sibling so i'm sure he's at least somewhat used to being around children younger than him, but i'm not sure if he would be good with them. fuyuhiko would definitely go to peko and ask for help.

if he hates them, he would just stare at the baby and be confused as to what he was supposed to do with this.. thing. he wouldn't just leave it by itself though. he would make sure it was well taken care of and he would do everything he could to make sure it didn't cry.

peko !! the ultimate swordswoman!

i'm not sure how well she would do with babies. she might secretly love them but not be able to express that. if she's alone with the baby, she might coo at it and rock it back and forth.

she would protect the baby with her life. it's probably the most physically safe with her. peko would undoubtedly be one of the best people to ask to watch a baby.

ibuki !! the ultimate musician!

ibuki would definitely sing to the baby, but then get confused as to why it starts crying. ( it's crying because of how loud the music is 😭 )

after she realized ( someone probably told her ) that the music was too loud for the little babies eardrums, she lowers her volume and sings it a lullaby.

ibuki wouldn't mean to cause the baby any harm, but she would probably cause ear damage somehow. or she would almost drop the baby. she would also probably forget to change it, and complain about how bad it smells.

kazuichi !! the ultimate mechanic!

kazuichi would probably just put the baby down and then forget about it. he would get so distracted focusing on his latest mechanical fixation, that he would just forget that he was supposed to be watching a baby.

i feel like kazuichi is the type to forget to eat when he's fixing things, so he would also probably forget to feed the baby. and change it.

whoever the baby's parent/s are, are not going to be happy with him when they pick their child up.

byakuya !! the ultimate affluent progeny! the ultimate imposter!

see, they might be good with babies. i feel like it could go either way. probably like fuyuhiko, where they say they don't care for babies ( that's a very byakuya thing to say ), but they do care about them.

they would make funny faces for the baby and pinch the baby's cheeks ( and reluctantly the baby pinch theirs if no one is around to witness it ).

they would never forget to feed the baby. honestly, they might overfeed it a bit, but not enough that the baby would get sick.

teruteru !! the ultimate cook!

don't let him near children. i hate him. ick.

[theonlyblackcanary]

Poltergeist

Co-written with @thirst-n-bullshit

Tag squad @swifteforeverandalways @drspencerreidloveshalloween @baronsbelleevangeline @ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness​ @the-iridescent-phoenix​ @bandomsnob​

Summary: Finn Balor didn't want to move to New York with his little sister to yet another foster home, yet at his new high school he feels drawn to resident grunge bad boy Seth Rollins and his trouble maker of a girlfriend Violet Giliath

Chapter Text

"Maybe this time will be different" Becky said, hugging closer to her older brother Finn. "You say that every time" Finn replied, though he did try and smile at her. Seventeen years of this. Moving from foster home to foster home, leaving behind friends Becky made, leaving behind a boyfriend in Texas at one point. You see, Finn and Becky were often forced to leave, whether they'd refuse to leave each other behind or Finn being blamed for stealing because he had a shoplifting strike in his records.

Life hated them.

"It will be different this time" Beth Phoenix, their long time social worker, said. "I went out of my way to find a foster family that would take both of you. Trish and Lita will be better than the last one" ---- "Did you hear? Lita and Trish are getting two more kids" Violet told her boyfriend as they sat on the roof of their apartment building

"Hope they aren't losers" Seth replied taking a swig of the beer he'd stolen from his fridge."Like your brother?" Violet quipped, taking a drag of a cigarette. "You're so mean yet so right" Seth cackled, kissing her, the scent of beer and cigarettes normal to them.

"You're still in trouble for stealing?" Violet asked. "Beyond it" Seth rolled his eyes. "I could give less of a shit, they aren't my real parents"

"What if they kick you out?"

"Please, they would never. They loooove me," Seth drawls sarcastically "They just want what's best for me" Seth mocked his adopted mother's words from that morning when he'd gotten busted stealing his phone out of her purse.

"Your such an asshole, babe" Violet laughed

"Eh you love me anyway" Seth replied kissing her again

"Guilty as charged" Violet kissed him deeply, the two quickly becoming heated, laying under the stars. --- "This place is huge!" Becky jumped out of the car and tripped, giggling. "Calm down" Finn helped her up. "Easy for you to say grandma" Becky stuck her tongue out as a beautiful blonde woman exited out of the house, looking (for a lack of another word) very motherly. "You must be Finn and Becky. I'm Trish" Becky immediately hugged her.

"Hi!" Becky said excitedly "Thank you for taking us"

"Yeah thanks," Finn muttered from beside her, still wary of yet another set of foster parents that would probably treat them like shit, no matter how nice that they seemed at first.

Trish laughed. "Not a problem" she turned to Beth and said "Lita took the boys and Sonya out to give these two some time by themselves, just so they can get adjusted"

Beth nodded, and took Finn over. "I promise this will be better. If you need anything, you have my number ok?" Finn found himself hugging Beth tightly, only letting go when Becky grabbed his hand.

"I hope neither of you two mind sharing a room?" Trish asked. "Our oldest son needs our guest room to study so you'll have to share with our other son and daughter"

Finn shook his head. "That's fair" Trish relaxed, smiling. "I always wanted a sister" Becky jumped next to him.

- The next day -

"This is the part I dont like...another new school" Becky murmured to Finn as they neared the doors of Brooklyn Academy "A private one this time" Finn whispered back

"Just stay away from Rollins, Violet and his disciples and you'll be fine" Sonya told them "See them there? Sonya pointed to a group hanging out in the quad, A boy with long, dark hair, clad in a leather jacket and skinny jeans seemed to be holding court with 2 other boy and a girl.

"Disiples? Who does he think he is?" Finn asked. "Pretentious asshole. His brothers and sisters are pretty much the only reason I go over to their place" Sonya growled.

The blonde by Rollins' side caught Finn's gaze and sarcastically blew a kiss. "Bitch" Sonya spat out before turning to Becky. "Since you're a sophomore, I can't give you a tour but my friend Bayley can"

Not even a second after Sonya said that, a young girl with a side ponytail walked up waving. Becky squeezed her brothers hand and said "Good luck"

Finn only nodded, watching Bayley hug Becky and the two run off. "She'll be fine" Sonya tried to assure him. Finn took a breath and tried to relax, being shoved out of the way by a redhead.

"Move it" he said with a thick Australian accent. "Fuck off Murphy" Sonya growled. Murphy laughed and ran off, being followed by a brunette boy who ignored them, the blonde from earlier, Violet, Finn guessed, and Rollins: who put out a cigarette on the wall.

"You're all lucky you haven't gotten expelled!" Sonya yelled, Violet flipping her off while walking away. "They're...crazy" Finn could only say. "Seth was a good guy before his ex-boyfriend cheated on him, he basically lost it" Sonya shrugged. "C'mon, Raul and Joaquin wanna give you a proper hello"

Raul Mendoza, Finn and Becky didn't get enough time to talk to him, as he'd immediately ran downstairs with a armful of heavy books. ("Honors classes" Trish explained) Joaquin Wilde on the other hand had connected with Becky, apparently sensing that Finn didn't want to talk to him ("Wants to be a dj. We told him he needed to graduate first" Trish's wife Lita had sighed)

Sure enough, Joaquin was on his laptop and Raul was taking notes. "Yo brothers" Sonya sat down. "Hey Sonya. Hey Finn" Joaquin smiled. Sonya smiled back, Finn sitting down next to her. "How long have you guys been here?" he asked. Raul held up five fingers, not even looking up.

"We'll help you" Sonya smiled. ---- "Did you see the new guy?" Violet asked Seth as they sat down to lunch

"I saw you blowing kisses at him, because of course you had to flirt" Seth responded slinging his arm across her back as they waited for Murphy and Austin

"I wasn't flirting, he was staring at us, the least I could do is make it worth it for him"

"New guy is Finn Balor," Austin says dropping into a seat at their normal table in the back corner of the cafeteria "He and his little sister are Lita and Trish's new brats"

"What do we know about him?" Violet asked

"Not much," Murphy chimed in "He's very Irish, plays football, as in soccer, and is in Honors Math and History so he's not an idiot" Violet made a face and looked at the table where Finn was sitting with Sonya. "What can we do to show him we run this piece of shit?" she muttered. "We can't do anything physical or we'll get suspended"

"Throw his shit in the trash?" Murphy said, Austin giving him a look. "What are you a ninth grader?" "Mess with his sister?" "No, we'll definitely get expelled....the best plans take the longest to figure out" Violet shrugged. "By the way, Mark and Michelle are leaving for Florida so you guys can stay at my place"

"I'm still grounded remember?" Seth snorts

"Since when do you actually listen to your parents?" Murphy

"Since they threatened to take me on vacation with them instead of leaving me home like I want, I gotta tow the line for a bit or I'm going to end up stuck sharing a room with both my brothers for a week"

"I can stay with you if you want?" Violet offered, "As much as I want that, Roman would tell them and I would be in more trouble than I already am" Violet nodded and held his hand. "If Irish doesn't stop looking" Murphy muttered, the other three turning around to see that Finn Bálor kept glancing at them, the bell signaling that lunch was over.

Murphy and Austin walked out, Seth stopping by the table Finn was sitting at. "Take a picture, it'll last longer"

Finn scowled at the other boy's remark "Who does this tosser think he is"

"Like I said after Drew McIntyre broke his heart he got mean. He used to be really sweet, the whole situation fucked with his head. Best thing to do is just stay out of his way, though it may be too late for that. You're on his radar now"

"I'll fight him" Joaquin said, Raul hitting him with a math book. "No, you won't, I am not going going to be your back up!" ---- "You don't mind walking home yourself right? Raul has a study group, Joaquin has basketball practice and I promised your sister that I'd be there for her soccer tryout, so you'll be by yourself with Lita" Sonya asked. "I'll be fine" Finn said. Sonya smiled and walked away.

"You're even more adorable up close"

Finn jumped, seeing Violet standing behind him, smoking and having a evil look in her eyes. "Don't you have a boyfriend? What are you doing chasing after me." Finn says "Hasn't he had his heart broken once already?"

"You have no idea what your talking about. Don't presume you do. Seth knows I'm his, Don't you dare compare me to McIntyre." Violet spat at him as she crushed her cigarette under a high heeled combat boot. "I would never cheat on mon petit chaton, he's my soulmate"

"Then don't bother me or my sister, I've been hell just trying to protect her from people like you, so unless you want me to break your boyfriend's nose, stay away from me" Finn growled.

Violet looked at hiim for a couple of seconds before grinning. "You do have a bite, I'll keep you in my thoughts Finn Bálor" she brushed her hair back and walked away

[blakescoven]

You Decided That I Was Worth Saving | 1 |

Pairing: Sojourn!Michael Langdon x fem!Reader

Chapter One (1): “As I Lay Dying”

Summary: You were driving home from work, when something – or rather someone – literally got in the way.  Against any reason, you let him into your life. Michael would make you question your entire worldview. Were your paths meant to cross? Did you two meet by accident? By fate? Or there’s an evil force behind it, scheming and plotting with a devilish purpose?  

Warnings: car crash(!), mention of injuries, different POVs, some swearing

Word count: 4.7K

A/N: Hey lovely friends! Here’s a sort of Sojourn AU-ish, since the plot starts in that particular moment of Michael’s life. Still don’t know if I’ll include witches and satanists…we’ll see. It’s gonna be a series so I guess I’ll divide it into a few chapters. I loooove angst and slow burn, so I’m sorry but there’s no smut. Yet. Also, for this chapter, I took inspiration from: the scene of Elena’s car crash from 1x11 of TVD and a song, my fav of all times, that I listened to while I was writing this chapter and that is also the song playing in Y/N’s car; Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex. Okay, that’s it. Enjoy and thank you so much for reading it, despite the grammar mistakes (my apologies) and the fact that probably it really sucks. (‘WHAT AM I DOING?’ was the mood while I was writing it tho.) Anyway, love you and please, let me know what do you think and what I can improve!! I’d really appreciate any FEEDBACK!! I kinda need it, because I’m not sure I’m doing this right. THANK YOU xxx ♥  

You've always thought you could describe your whole existence with a wide range of adjectives, but 'adventurous' wasn't one of them for sure. At least, that's what you thought 30 minutes before the event that would have changed your life forever. Nothing would ever be the same again; just like a hurricane comes and goes, so that day, and the following ones, would have drastically rocked your world. And mostly your beliefs.

It was late. But you were used to it. You had recently got a new job, which allowed you to move out and finally get your own place, the smallest rentable apartment on Earth. Or in Los Angeles, no doubt. This was the most stressful moment since you were born, it was up to you taking care of your own now. Mommy and daddy no more.

Shifts were endless and you often found yourself staying late at the office, to finish what you've started. This new routine was already messing with your biological clock. Every single night, you looked forward to going back home, eat and fall apart on your bed. Even today, you were already savoring the anticipation of your sadly-glorious homecoming; you were dying for a relaxing hot bath and a slice of pizza. But who are we kidding, right? A whole pizza. Then, sleepiness permitting, you would have watched your favorite TV show petting your cat. A real party girl, uh? Well, that was your life now.

You have just finished college and this was the first experience as an independent person. At the very beginning, it has been hard leaving your parents' house, but soon you realized it was time for you to go on your own way. You were so full of dreams and expectations. You hoped to achieve great goals. Of course, what you haven't taken into account was that your future weekends wouldn't have been under the banner of fun, alcohol, and friends. But instead, your crazy Saturday nights consisted of you kneeled in front of the washing machine, hands in your head and a YouTube DIY video for dummies playing on your phone, which explained all the ways to get the laundry started and what products must have been used. All your life has become a huge dumb Netflix comedy. More like a parody, perhaps. You hung out with your friends less and less; you felt deeply guilty about that, but you were way too tired to make up for it.

As mentioned before, it was a late Friday night. It was raining, pretty hard. You were driving your beloved brand-new car (THE much-demanded graduation gift) and 'surprisingly' you hit traffic. At 9 fucking p.m. TGIF, they said. Sure. Your friends were definitely having fun and drinking in some random club by then.

You, on the contrary, were running out of patience; your shiny Lexus had not moved an inch in 10 minutes, so as soon as you could, you took a highway exit. That was supposed to be a kind of shortcut, according to the navigator. The pouring rain and the cadenced motion of the windscreen wipers sounded like a lullaby. A slow-core song started playing in the background. It was quite soothing and maybe, on second thought, you should have to turn it off…or had coffee before leaving.

You could feel your eyelids getting heavier and heavier, the exhaustion slowly prevailing. Trying so hard to keep your eyes open, that they've started burning; and not to miss anything, you got a bit of a headache accompanied by a soon-to-be-wrinkle frown.

Meanwhile, you were driving down a deserted one-lane road, going a little over the speed limit in your rush, in order to make it home as soon as possible. The wheels were slipping a little on the wet pavement, but you kept the car steady. ­ You peered through the front window trying to see what was ahead of you; it was pitch black outside, with not even one dammit lamppost; only the moon's pale light absorbed by the dark green leaves of the forest beside the road. You had no idea where you actually were.

Suddenly, the annoying metallic voice of the GPS started bullshitting about recalculating a new route. "Wait what? Fuck NO NO NO…come on! You stupid thing, why are you changing direction???" you maddeningly screamed, looking at the display and trying to change the settings with your right hand. You weren't exactly paying particular attention to the road ahead. Huge mistake.

Outside the windshield, the rain was coming down in torrents, blurring your vision even more. The wipers went back and forth, attempting to clear away the large droplets clinging to the glass, but it seemed they weren't moving fast enough.

As if the universe had something big in store for you, right at that moment, something – or rather someone – came out of the dense vegetation, slowly limping while crossing the street, no concern for surroundings.

Your eyes were still glued to the GPS tracking your position; but all of a sudden, your distraction was abruptly erased when you caught a glimpse of a human shape in the middle of the road, illuminated by the car's headlights.

A goddamn person.

You had perhaps three-quarters of a second to register this.

You didn't realize it until it was too late. You couldn't have stopped all this now. The blood drained from your face. It all happened in a few seconds, but the moment seemed to last forever. The shock made you tense your muscles; your heart skipped a beat and your eyes suddenly widened. There was a scream coming from within that forced its way from your mouth as if your terrified soul has set a demon free. It was the kind of scream that makes the blood run cold.

With adrenaline flowing through your system, you slammed on the brakes. Your fists clenched with white knuckles around the steering wheel, immediately swerving to avoid the crash. Somehow you managed to not run over him, but you were going too fast to stop.

Your car rolled over and over, while clips of your life flashing like a slideshow. The vehicle has flipped so many times that you started drifting in and out of consciousness. The noise of the metal being bashed over the asphalt was deafening. When it finally stopped, you were stuck in your seat upside-down, coughing up pieces of the broken glass coming from the shattered windshield.

Then everything became still.

You could only hear the sound of rain on metal. Aware of the bloody taste in your mouth, you still weren't able to figure out if you were injured, because the seatbelt tugged on your chest was too painful. Heart pounding in your ears, you tried to scream for help, but it came out more like a gasp.

Meanwhile, the young man was still paralyzed to the spot in the middle of the road, like an unfamiliar force was holding him in a tightening grip, keeping him from leaving. For a moment he believed that that must have been another hallucinated vision. Then he slowly turned his head toward the wrecked car. An odd thought came across his mind: the driver crashed in order to not run over him. But why? Humanity had failed him so many times. He had lost the only one that truly cared about him. His Father had abandoned him and he wasn't able to understand what was his purpose, not anymore. He actually knew that a car was coming that way, but now he honestly didn't give a damn about his life. He had failed. He was utterly lost. This was the best coincidence possible to put an end to his suffering. But now, he felt something he couldn't explain, almost a need, the need to go and check if the driver was okay. Still confused about this new foreign impulse, he started to walk towards your car.

Once there, he kneeled and took a look inside, from the broken side window.

"You look stuck." he commented with an apparent childish but plain voice.

If you weren't, like literally, in that position, you'd have certainly sassed back to that dumb obvious statement. But your conditions weren't the best at all, you might have some broken bones, actually.

What, instead, came out from your mouth was stammering confused words.

"I-I-It… m-my… my s-s-sea..b-be..t" you tried to speak, holding and shaking the restraining belt tightly in your hands, while tears gathering in your eyes.

He hummed and shushed you. "Let me get you out of here." he whispered, thinking again about why he was actually doing this, it was none of his business. And yet, he stayed on.

"I want you to put your hands on the roof." You were about to obey his calming demand, but in that moment, you realized your left arm had to be broken and it hurt like hell. So somehow you managed to raise only the other one and take also your phone.

Then he closed his eyes for a couple of seconds and all of a sudden, the seatbelt mysteriously unhooked, as if by magic or an invisible force. But you were too rattled to think about it.

You fell and he gently grabbed and lifted you from the car.

"I got you." he smiled, holding you in his arms while standing up. "Are you okay? Can you stand? Is anything broken?" he questioned with a caring honeyed tone.

You nodded pointing your arm and moaning, still dizzy from the car flipping over. The stranger carefully set you on your feet, yet not letting you completely. Good, because immediately after you slipped, too weak to stand, but he caught you by the waist. Your head was spinning so fast.

"Hey hey, easy, don't force yourself, you're clearly not okay." he observed "Look at me." and he placed his thumb on your lower lip and chin to hold your head steady as he spoke. What was he feeling right now? Pity? Concern maybe? He thought he had already turned off those pointless human emotions.

You tiredly opened your eyes to meet the most beautiful pair of ocean eyes you've ever seen. Unfortunately, you couldn't focus on him any longer, neither when he run his hand down your water-stained cheek.

"Hey stay with me, don't close your eyes." he urged, just as your vision went fuzzy and your eyes rolled back. Within seconds everything went black.

You passed out into complete and utter darkness.

He caught you before you hit the concrete, gathering your limp body into his arms and walking away from the car. He abruptly stopped. What he was supposed to do now? He had literally come from the woods, after days of fasting and sleeplessness. He was covered in damn dirt. Not to mention that he had no place to go. He was too exhausted to reason. So he chose to gently lower you to the ground, kneeling, so half of your body was on his lap. He stroked your wet hair, wondering what to do with you. Just right now, looking at your face, he noticed how beautiful you were, how innocent and angelic. He swallowed and smiled. A soft side? In his evil and corrupted soul? Impossible.

It was still raining. You were both soaked and there was no shelter in the proximities. He thought he couldn't do anything more. That's when he remembered about your broken arm. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, placing his hands above your head. Nothing. Maybe he wasn't focused enough. He took your hands in his own and tried again. This time his eyes rolled black until they showed only a white surface; then he started to mutter Latin words. He lifted his head up speaking louder, but his nose began to bleed, until his vision blurred and the car suddenly exploded. He lost consciousness right next to you, nevertheless his hand still on yours.

The next thing you knew, you were on your back on the ground and very disoriented. Also completely drenched. Making indistinguishable noises because of the pain, you turned your head resting on the asphalt. The rain in your eyes didn't let you have a clear view of the surroundings, but you immediately felt an extremely warm presence at your side. You blinked twice and finally saw the boy that had helped you, laying there unconscious. Hell, maybe you had hit him with your car after all. The plot thickens.

Saying that you were confused about the whole situation was an euphemism. There was nothing for it but to try to reach your phone, almost five feet apart from your leg, hoping that it didn't break in the crash. Despite the acute ache in your arm and the burning cuts and wounds, you were able to crawl back to it, so you dialed the number and called 911. You explained everything and asked for help with a wisp of voice. You probably had a concussion.

The rain eventually stopped. You were starting to feel cold, so you found your way back to the stranger. Little droplets of water drenched his hair, covering his features, and you couldn't help yourself, you brushed a few strands from his face, caressing his sharp cheekbone. Right after your head started spinning and your vision filled with white spots, until you fainted again, against the stranger's chest.

-

You woke up in a hospital bed. It was early in the morning; the sunlight was peeking through the blinds, the constant beeping of monitors echoing throughout the room. You sighed loudly and squinted with a grimace. Luckily you were just a little sore, nothing too serious. You took a look at your arm: you had a pretty unaesthetic cast. The universe's way of telling you, "Here, take this you little bitch." Amazing.

You got up very slowly and entered the bathroom, looking for a mirror to better check out your wounds.

"Wow, nice Halloween make-up though." you muttered rolling your eyes. You had a stitched cut on your left upper forehead, a split lip and dark circles under your puffy eyes. A Miss Universe at her peak. Not to mention a great number of bruises all over your body.

You called your parents shortly afterward. Downplaying the details of the accident wasn't enough, they completely lost their minds at the phone. They were shocked and worried about your conditions, so they insisted to get on the first flight to LA, to help you. You reassured them you were fine and ready to go home. It wasn't necessary for them to come. They even offered to pay for a new car, since yours was, sadly, destroyed. You refused though; you would have dealt with the car-issue later. Even though you couldn't still get over the fact that your precious SUV has gone for good.

A truly kind doctor got to your room and, after having checked out vitals and injuries, refreshed your memory about what happened last night. Shoot! In that moment you realized you had totally forgot about the boy. You immediately asked the doc if you could go visit him. He nodded but not without first warning you. John Doe here had to be sedated because, when he regained consciousness in the ambulance, he had refused to go to the hospital and started thrashing around. Luckily, he was too weak to harm anyone.

The doctor kept saying that they had found no ID, nothing that could tell them where he came from. He was completely dehydrated in addition to previous wounds. He probably hadn't eaten for days either. For these reasons, the cheap version of Derek Shepherd wasn't sure whether he should call the police.

You were listening to his words with much more concern you thought you could feel. Well, maybe because you had almost run over him. But you felt you had to go check on him. He helped you out of the car after all. He…saved you someway? What you couldn't understand was why he had stopped in the middle of the road; he hadn't even tried to get out of the way…Oh shit. Was there any chance he wanted to, like, get killed? No, c'mon, there are way too many other – and less-painful – "methods" to do it…It couldn't be.

When you arrived in his room, you immediately noticed he was tied to the bed and carefully, you set his wrists free. After a few seconds, he woke up. You tried not to pay attention, but he was undoubtedly attractive. To be honest he was much more than that. Handsome to say the least. He seemed almost angelic. Baby blue eyes piercing your soul with a magnetic gaze, golden messy curls spread around his head on the pillow like a halo and God-given sharp features. Despite that, he was still covered in filth and wounds. But even in such a miserable state, he was hypnotizing. You wondered why no nurse took care of him yet.

"Hi!" you whispered, sitting down on the nearest chair.

"Hi." he said back, almost imperceptibly. "Thank you" he added, pointing at his bruised wrists.

"I should be the one saying 'thank you'..." you stated; he gave you a half-smile, "…you literally saved my life."

"No need to thank me, I caused your crash so.." he stopped for a second "…we can say you saved me instead." he admitted heavy-heartedly, with his eyes down. He seemed so sad and so lost, and you really felt for him.

"Well, thank God we're both still alive!" you didn't know what to say anymore. And this cringy comment wasn't helping.

" Sure " he scoffed.

What were those, tear-stains? Has he been crying?

Then an awkward silence filled the room. You were starting to feel a bit uneasy, and the continuous biting your lower lip – despite the cut on the upper one – made it absolutely obvious. You could feel something was off about him. The sadness and despair in his eyes were pretty noticeable, and you were the kind of person that can't look away.

"Uhm, are you okay?"

"Yes" he was still staring at the void. No emotion showed.

"Sorry, I don't want to be pushy…but it's clear you're not."

"Why do you care? What do you want from me?" he snapped turning his head, but his face softened instantly, as if he regretted the outburst.

You honestly didn't know why you cared that much either. It was an odd sensation coming from your guts, it was pulling you so deeply into him. He needed help, and you wanted to give it to him.

"You got anybody I could call? Your relatives or a friend?" was the only answer you could articulate.

" No.. " he mumbled, "..I have no one."

Suddenly, you felt the urge to ask him if he wanted to go home with you, to recover. You would have never done – or even thought – anything like that before. This was against all the good bits of advice your mum ever gave you. Like, don't invite in strangers that could easily kill you in your sleep?! But it was as if, deep down, you knew you could trust him. You took the risk.

"Listen.. ahem.. y-you could come home with me. I have enough space in my apartment and we could help each other until you'll feel better" you paused.

He was staring at you now, with glistening eyes. He was speechless. No one has ever shown him selfless kindness. He was in disbelief.

"I don't want your pity."

"No, wait. This isn't pity. In case you haven't notice, I have this lil problem here" you chuckled, swaying your cast in the air "I wouldn't mind a hand" you said to release the tension.

"I-I can't. Please, go. Just leave me alone." he shook his head. The fear of being abandoned or rejected again was too overwhelming for him to open up and accept some help.

"Oh," you whispered, a bit down in the dumps, "got it."

You headed for the door, but before leaving, you turned one more time "I'll leave my number to the receptionist in the hallway, in case you change your mind." you winked and smiled, leaving him alone.

He sighed and slammed his head against the pillow; he didn't even have a phone, also because, come on, what good it would do? But above all, what kind of paradox was that? Him, the motherfucking Devil's spawn, needing help? From an innocent little soul like you? No kidding. He had performed a human sacrifice and eaten raw hearts for fuck's sake. Yes, he may not know what to do, and probably he had made mistakes, but it wasn't over yet; his satanic plan needed to be adjusted. This way, he would eventually recreate the world in his Father's image and earn his trust again.

He needed to leave as soon as possible, before some stupid human being started asking him though questions.

-

You were finally home. The entire Uber ride had been silent and for that you mentally thanked the driver, because you weren't in the mood to talk at all.

As soon as you turned the doorknob, your little friend immediately greeted you purring, making you jump. He really missed you…or at least that's what he wanted you to believe. You locked the door behind you.

"His Majesty is hungry, uh?!" you said mocking your furball "Yeah, me too dude...but hold on a little longer, I need to take a shower I smell like hospital, jeez."

Only now you noticed. There was a rather unusual atmosphere when you walked in, an unsettling silence sending shivers down your spine. An inexplicable heat radiating from the house itself. It was too hot in there and you're positive it wasn't normal in the middle of November. The room seemed saturated with unfamiliar vibes.

You went to your bedroom and started to undress. Then you entered the bathroom, ready to finally wash the last night events off you.

Odd. It was like you could feel eyes on you, all the time.

Whatever. You were too worn-out to indulge your paranoid thoughts.

But the same feelings still followed you, even later when you were eating your delivered dinner, half-dead on the couch with the fluffy monster curled up on your lap.

"Maybe it's a sort of twisted PTSD." you told yourself. Yet your heart wouldn't settle. Something wasn't right there.

Anyway, you chose to ignore your instinct; it was time to get ready for bed. You reached your closet as you slowly took off hoodie and sweatpants, changing into even more comfortable clothes, just a t-shirt actually. Since it was that hot, no pants. The loose garment barely covered your bare thighs though.

You were half asleep when your cat jumped up and suddenly rushed out of your bedroom like he was possessed. You stretched and changed position, that enormous cast wouldn't let you fall fully asleep. After 5 minutes of turning and tossing you heard what sounded like footsteps. Your pulse started racing.

"It's nothing," you told yourself, "I'm imagining things."

But then the typical creaking of your fridge being opened reached up to your room. Twice.

You froze, heart in your throat. You were most definitely not alone. Someone was in the house.

But right after you shook your head, "Ugh, probably it's just that furry devil."

Being as quiet as possible, you got up and made your way to the door, straining to hear, but your heart pounded too loudly and your breathing was harsh. Moving towards the switch, but on second thought you decided against it.

Nothing. Complete silence.

It was when you were finding your way back to the mattress that you heard a white noise, a loud thud and the clear scraping of a chair against the floor. You froze again with wide eyes. You swallowed breaking out in cold sweat.

The squeaking of the cupboard followed by the tinkling and banging of glasses and dishes. You almost had a stroke.

You internally cursed yourself. You had left your phone on the couch. Fuck fuck fuck. The only option left was trying to reach the door and ask for help from the next-door neighbor. But you couldn't do it, the kitchen had a space divider, but it wasn't long enough to avoid being seen.

Weapon, your mind screamed. You needed a weapon.

A relieved smile appeared unexpectedly on your features. You recalled about keeping a knife hidden in the drawer. 'Never say never' when you live alone. Well, it seemed it had been a good idea after all.

You slid your fingers around the rubber grip, dismayed by how much your hand was shaking.

Heading down the hallway barefoot, you hold your breath and slowly approached the living room. With one motion you sneaked into the kitchen, with the blade facing the intruder, and screaming,

"I'm calling the police!"

But what you saw made your jaw drop in shock.

It was Him, the guy from the car crash.

In your kitchen.

Eating your motherfucking chocolate chip cookies.

At 01:00 am.

"Uh, sorry..." he spoke while chewing the leftovers and then swallowing loudly, "..you wanted some?". As if he felt guilty for real, with that childish expression.

You couldn't keep quiet any longer. The situation was too far-fetched.

"WHAT THE HELL?" you snapped. He chuckled at the reference.

"I can't cook. I was starving and I found these. I didn't want to wake you, but this monster here won't get off me..."

"What are you doing in my apartment?"

He tilted his head, pretty confused. "You invited me to stay here..." he remarked, with a hint of displeasure in his voice.

"Yes, I did. But it doesn't mean you can break in without me knowing." You were still a bit scared; he could be dangerous as far as you knew, and his actions had already proved it.

He didn't say anything. He stood up from the island counter, making his way to you. You were slack-jawed in astonishment, still holding and pointing the sharp surface toward him.

"Put that knife down."

"No."

"Why?" he frowned.

"I don't trust you. Don't come any closer!" you ordered.

"I can't take you seriously looking like this" he smirked pointing at your 'night attire'.

He took another step and you run to reach the handle; it turned but the door wouldn't budge.

"It's locked." you turned to look at him "Don't you remember? You did that yourself." he observed, like it was obvious.

"Then how did you get in here?"

"Transmutation."

"Tra-what?" you supposed he must have been out of his mind.

The circumstances themselves were unbelievable. But he was right, you offered him help.

Now he was leaning against the wall a few feet apart from you, locking his eyes with yours, his beautiful features veiled by a shade of dejection and misery. Suddenly, the feeling you had at the hospital came back. Trust.

"I know I'll regret this, but yes, you can stay."

A thankful smile crept across his face and if it weren't for the dark, you could swear that he was also crying.

"But if you don't behave I'll kill you." you threatened in a playful tone, but you needed to scare him a little.

In that moment he understood that he had done the right thing, deciding to take your offer. He had to pick up the pieces and get back on his feet. He couldn't have done it alone.

And mostly, he liked you. You were a warrior. There was something special in you, he could feel it. He could trust you.

"You scared the hell out of me by the way…do not do that again." you spoke as your eyes narrowed.

"I promise" he whispered.

He was kind of a weirdo, but you imagined he'd been through a lot. For this reason, you decided to place the knife on the table and get closer to him.

"But anyway, sooner or later you're going to tell me how you did it." you chuckled showing him the door. You were standing right in front of him now. He was taller than you thought.

"We haven't officially met, I'm Y/N."

In that moment – a moment you'll never forget – he vanished right before your eyes.

Then a sudden voice – that didn't hide insecurity and expectancy – coming from behind, made you turn around and left you in absolute shock.

"I'm Michael. Michael Langdon."

___________________________________________

Tagging (hope you don’t mind, in any case just tell me!) @michael-langdon-appreciation @hecohansen31 @so-langdon @emmyrosee @ladynuwanda @sammythankyou @sojournmichael @hplotrfan

[saniminded]

» Just a Kiss [a DIFTL bonus]

part 18 << Just a Kiss >> part 19. 

[This is a bonus scenario for the DIFTL Text Au] [Masterlist Here] [Length: 3.6k]  [I wanted to write a drabble but lol, 3k words]  [Leave Comments I don’t know what I’m doing and I crave validation]  [Warning: Mention of past abusive relationship] 

The day is already turning dark when I barge into Namjoon’s place, pretty tones of purple and pink dissolving into a star spotted sky. The door makes a loud bang when I open it, and I can hear Seokjin’s loud scream even before I see him by his boyfriend on the sofa. Namjoon himself barely acknowledges me, hand waving half-heartedly as a welcome. He’s already used to my loud steps and violent coming and going, since I have my own keys and weird visiting habits.

Learning my best friend is not alone does put a dent in my courage, but thinking about Jimin's sad pout urges me on. If I want my boyfriend to be happy and stress free, I'll just have to talk to both of them at once.

“They’re good news”, I reason to myself, “there’s no reason for panic”. But that positive mindset flies out the window when I step into the living room. Not only Jin is over, but Yoongi is also present, sitting beside the couple with a sour expression.

Now, even though bored is Yoongi’s default mood, I can’t really blame him these days; Namjoon and Jin have been attached at the hip since they began dating. They are still in the honeymoon stage, and it makes things harder to the rappers usual hangouts. I believe that’s why when he sees me, Yoongi just rolls his eyes at the pair and flashes his big gummy smile at me. It's so out of nowhere you'd think I came in carrying puppies or something.

I throw myself carelessly on the sofa, forcing my friends to accommodate the new body between them. Namjoon’s arm naturally involve me by the shoulder as Yoongi’s circle my waist and I sigh. Once I'm sandwiched between my best friends, the whole tension accumulated in my body melts away.

“Stop laying over other people's boyfriend, Y/N”, Jin pouts from the other side of Namjoon. His hands are busy playing with the younger tanned fingers, but I know his eyes are on me.

I just wiggle between them some more in response, head sinking into my best friend’s shoulder. As Jin’s loud voices starts a new whine, Yoongi pinches me to a stop, his glare a warning.

“Stop that, the couch isn’t big enough for your squealing”.

“What do you want space for? You should embrace your friends more, Yoongs”.

The boy sighs, tired, and Namjoon coughs out a laugh.

“She’s not wrong, hyung. You never give us any love”.

“What do you want my love for, you have a boyfriend right there. Hyung, do something, help a guy out here”.

Jin just grins and his dashing, incredible smile blinds us for a moment.

“You and I know it’s not the same. You’re brothers”.

“Yeah, we’re one big happy family”, he teases, but I don’t mind him.

“Why wouldn’t you wanna cuddle your cute baby sister?”, I blink big eyes at him, but both of my friends scoff at me.

“You’re not as much of a cute baby as you think you are, Y/N”, Joon attacks.

“Or of a sister”, Yoongi completes, and I make a big show of playing hurt, hands against my heart and everything.

“Woah. And I thought this friendship was forever”.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, and Joon bumps his shoulder against me, playful.

“At least I have Jimin now”, I add nonchalantly.

There’s a whole two seconds pause in our conversation, and then they are all speaking at once.

“I KNEW IT! You are both terrible at secrets. Jimin’s been walking around with literal hearts on his eyes, it's ridiculous. I knew something finally happened”, Jin screeches.

“That’s not the correct use of literal”, Namjoon cuts, but he has a soft smile all over his face. And then he turns to me, eyes inquiring: “Since when is this happening? And right under my nose too”.

“Park Jimin? Seriously?” is Yoongi’s incredulous comment. His arm leaves my waist as both his hands go to his temples, fingers massaging it with precision.

I just chuckle, face flushed and body restless. This is when they say this is a bad idea, right? This is when they say that I’m being dumb for trusting a guy with a reputation like the one Jimin has. That I’m putting myself up for suffering for doing this again.

“I thought you hated guys like him”, Yoongi mutters, confirming my thoughts. I shrink beside him, legs coming over so I can hug them.

“He’s not like I thought he’d be. I know we started on the wrong foot with the whole frat party fail and all, but... when I reached over for the whole Jin and Joon thing, he was up for it. And a guy who accepts to date someone who hates him, even if it’s fake, just to try and get his friend together with his crush can’t be all bad, right? And then whenever we were together he was just... this really caring, sweet, fun to be around guy-friend. He ended up not being bad at all. I mean, he flirts a lot, he's jealous of everything, and he's used literally ever excuse in the book to hold my hands or hug me close but... He just won me over being Jimin, I guess”, I finish with a small smile.

“I called it, she’s in loooove”, Jin sing-songs, like he’s not the oldest of us all.

“Shut up, oppa”, but there’s no real bite to my voice.

“Since when?” Namjoon asks again, suspiciously over invested in this detail.

“A month and a half, give it or take”.

“HA!”, Jin cheers, poking his boyfriend with a maniac smile. “I told you the party would do it, pay up, loser!”.

“Did you guys seriously bet we’d get together?”.

“Nah, we bet on how long you’ve been hiding”, Jin corrects me, shameless.

“Oh, c’mon, we can’t have been that obvious”.

“You were, sweetie”, Jin says, and his eyes are soft now. “I’m telling you, Jimin has been ridiculous. Hobi can’t stand him around the studio anymore. Says he keeps singing love songs and disturbing the practices”.

“I'm going to kill him”, I mutter, and Jin coos, pinching my cheeks. I can physically feel the blood flushing up and setting my skin of fire.

“I mean, he did jump out your bedroom window yesterday morning”, Namjoon completes.

If my face felt hot before, now I could easily fry an egg on my face, no problems.

“You saw that? Why didn’t you say anything??”

“Y/N, Jimin was half naked while jumping out of a window. You guys were clearly working hard at hiding it. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready. And you did”.

“I’m so embarrassed. But that was really sweet of you, Joon, waiting for me to put my thoughts in place. Thank you so much”.

“Yeah, bitch, you should thank me! Hyung has been impossible with the ‘I told you so’s”, he complained, and I couldn’t help but laugh, my body doubling over. So much for a sweet moment.

“But I did tell so! So many times too! I said Y/N should give him a chance, that he was serious about this, that she should listen to her dumb little heart! I’m basically the catalyzer of this relationship. I have the right to feel like a proud parent”.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jimin did most of the work. You have to give him kudos for not giving up on us, even if I’m an indecisive insecure mess”.

“Yeah, if he’s putting up with you, he’s really something else”, Namjoon mocks. “But let it be known that if he mess things up again, I’m going to... do something bad. To him. Yeah”.

“That’s cute, but you’re a teddy bear, Joonie”.

“I could be hiding an angry beast, you never know. He’s better off not trying funny shit like hurting you”.

“I'm pretty sure I could punch your teeth out, Kim Namjoon, but thank you, I guess”.

“You can’t even reach my neck, Y/N, I’m not worried about your threats”.

Namjoon yelps when I pinch him in retaliation and Jin cackles at our antics, but I’m feeling really content. Despite all my fears, the little time Jimin and I were together was nothing short of bliss. He showers me in love and kisses and so much adoration, I am happy my friends finally know about it too, so I can do the same. Honestly, now that I’ve told them (and they are teasing me about it), it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. This is right. And even if it’s not, they got my back.

I recline on the sofa, half laying all over Namjoon, and he taps my forehead fondly, silent question in his eyes. I smile up at him so that he knows I’m fine. I’ve been scared for so long my friends got over zealous, and I love them for caring so much.

“Where did Yoongs run to?”, I ask, stretching my legs to make use of the sudden free space beside me.

Namjoon shrugs, “Maybe he left while you were threatening me. God knows you two just come and go like you live here. You two should pay rent”.

“You literally barged into my place yesterday at seven in the morning. My boyfriend had to leave through the window, half dressed. Shut up”.

“Okay, so maybe you don’t need to pay. BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO, HYUNG!”, he screams towards the corridor, and I roll my eyes. Yoongi never responds.

“Do you think he died?”, Jin asks from the other side of the sofa where he’s also leaning over Joonie. We’re lucky he’s so unnecessarily big so there’s quite a bit of Namjoon to everyone.

“I’ll check on him, I guess. I have to leave anyway, I promised Jimbo I’d go over to his tonight”.

“Uh, look at her, staying over at her boyfriend’s”.

“And to think last month she was literally running away from him on the streets”, Namjoon adds. I flick his forehead in retaliation before I leave, and he's still complaining when I get to the door. The couple scream their goodbyes as I lock behind me.

I find Yoongi at the small playground right outside Namjoon’s building, swaying slowly in the rusty swing set. I sit by him, giggling when I push it a little and the whole thing shakes.

“You look really emo sitting here alone, Yoongs”, I say as opening.

His response is an automatic “And your fat ass is going to break the freaking playground, Y/N”, but his tone is weak.

“You okay? You didn’t say goodbye to us”.

He only looks at me and sighs, and I’m confused by his sudden gloomy mood.

“‘m fine. Just thinking”.

“Nah. I know your normal thinking face. This one”, I say, poking my finger between his brows, and his face softens a little “ looks like sad thinking. Bad thinking”.

“You know me well, uh?”.

“It’s a gift and a pain”, I agree. He gives me a small smile, but it’s gone as fast as it appears. “What happened, Yoongs?”

“You, I guess”.

“I happened? Am I bothering you? Was the whole couple thing too much for you?”, I ask, bumping my swing chair against his lightly. Yoongi isn’t high maintenance, but if his two best friends are suddenly dating, he could feel left behind. And he’s not the biggest fan of couples and romance on the daily, anyway.

“Nah, I saw it coming. Granted, I didn’t think you’d go for frat boys again. Specially not after the shit Jinhoo pulled on you last time”, his voice is bitter and the words hurt.

Yoongi knows not to talk about my ex, worst even about that night I can barely remember. The abusive dirtbag’s name alone trigger bad memories and I don��t want to relive them right now - nor ever.

“Don’t. Please, don’t - Don’t even mention him”, I plead, and his hand squeezes my leg in atonement. The motion is soothing, comforting, but I still wish he'd stayed quiet.

“Sorry. I just knew you would be swept away sooner or later, but I didn’t see Park Jimin doing it, I guess”.

“I know it’s a little surprising, since we were screaming at each other daily a couple of months ago, but Jimin is not a bad guy. A little too coy, maybe, but I really like him and got tired of pretending I don’t. Especially since he didn’t let me get away with it anyway”.

“Insisting paid well for him then”.

“Or maybe he just got himself a time bomb”, I whisper and Yoongi glares at me. I cower a little.

“You are fucking incredible, Y/N. You’re beautiful, funny, loyal as heck and you give everything to make whoever you love happy. You got together with a guy you hated to get Joon a boyfriend, fuck’s sake”.

“But you said it yourself, Yoongs, and you’re right about it: Jinhoo made a number on me. I can’t even accept love without getting scared I'm being used again. I keep hurting people while trying to defend myself, I keep doubting everyone”.

Yoongi pulls my little chair over to his own, the rusty chains of the swing rattling at the brusque movement. I can feel his breath over my face and his eyes are raging and I’ve rarely seen him so upset.

“You’re the strongest girl I know, Y/N. What that shitbag did to you leaves marks. No one is blaming you for protecting yourself. You’re not a bomb for trying to recover an abusive past. Stop saying that. Park’s lucky to have you, if anything”.

“But”, I try, and Yoongi forces my lips to a pout, silencing me.

“No. You’re amazing. You’ve put yourself together after someone you loved broke your trust. I’m sorry I even brought him up, you know I get dumb when I’m worked over”, he finishes softly, and his grip loses force. Both of his hands rest by my face now, and an eerie silence looms over us.

“Are you sure you okay, Yoongi? Because you’re not letting go of my face and it’s getting really weird”, I say, trying to lighten up our  conversation. This was supposed to be a good moment with my friends, a small celebration of my no longer dead heart. I don’t want to ruin the night talking about my ex. I only wanted to talk about Jimin.

“I just need a moment”, he murmurs, but he barely waits one before he leans over. His usually sleepy eyes are wide open, cataloging my every reaction as he comes closer. His lips touch mine gently, carefully, like he knows I’m about to flee his grasp. But I freeze, my brain short circuited for an entire second, because Yoongi is kissing me. Yoongi, my best friend, who’s been walking hand in hand with me and Namjoon for almost as long as I can remember. Yoongi who knows all my fears, all my faults, all my traumas.

He moves softly, seeking more, and then the situation downs on me and I push him away like I’ve been electrocuted. My hands cover my lips and my eyes water and I can only look at him horrified, because how could he?

“Y/N, no, wait”, he begins as I step away from him, bolting from the swing set as fast as my legs can take me.

“What do you think you’re doing? I’ve just… I just told you about Jimin. I’m dating Jimin. I’m happy, I’m finally trusting someone again and you…”, my voice fades.

His eyes are large and panicky and he’s trying to reach me, arms outstretched, fingers grasping at my sweater. I move away, farther from him and his pleading gaze.

“I just... I’ve been in love with you for so long, Y/N, and I”, the words have barely left his lips but I take another step back, like I’ve been slapped.

“Since when?”

“Way before the shitbag even happened. But the timing was never right. You were dating that Lee kid when we moved here, and when you guys broke up I tried giving you time, but then... you started seeing Jinhoon right before I decided to say something and we know how that ended. You were in no place for me to say anything after that. And now again… I guess I waited too long”.

“Lee... Minhyun? That was years ago, Yoongi”.

“I know, I know. Maybe I was a coward and hid behind giving you time. I was always so afraid I’d mess up and lose you completely”.

“And then you got tired and decided to fuck it up intentionally?”

“No, God, Y/N, I… You’re in love with Park freaking Jimin. You can’t see it, but your whole face light up when you talk about him. You guys just begun seeing each other and your eyes are already shining so much and… You’re so happy. I got angry that I lost you again”.

“So you kissed me? Are you trying to get back at me for…?”, he cuts me off, his words fast and worried and desperate.

“No! I’d never be angry at you for being happy. All that I want is for you to be happy. But I’m a loser, a coward and I don’t have any right, but I needed that one kiss. I’ve always needed it, needed you. And I wanted to taste, at least for one second, what it's like to have you. So I can finally try and leave these feelings behind and support you”.

I’m static after he speaks, the tears streaming down my face the only sign I'm still listening. His breath comes out in heavy puffs, like he ran a mile trying to catch ume. It fits, somehow, because the distance between us have never been so big. And maybe there's only a couple of feet separating us on the pavement, but the gap still feels uncommon, final. It doesn’t feel like it can shorten again. He’s my best friend and he just ruined the safety I felt around him to steal from me whatever he wanted. Whatever he needed.

“It was so hard for me to give into this thing with Jimin. To trust him not to hurt me. And you… You just made me hurt him. For a kiss? Because you wanted? Because you needed it? You’re just being egoist”.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”, he begs, timid steps trying to get closer again. My own feet mimic his movements, and the distance never lessens. “Please, stop moving away. Don’t leave me”.

“I need this space, Yoongi. I can’t trust myself not to slap you right across the face right now”, I tell him, and his face is anguished.

“Do it. Scream at me or something. Just don’t go away. That’s the only thing I never wanted”.

“You should have thought of that before. You were safe and now you aren’t. I’m feeling betrayed. And I don’t want to be here anymore, I want to go home and eat ice cream. I need to think. I need to figure out how I’m telling Jimin one of my best friends just confessed to me after I told him I was dating someone else. And then he kissed me. Not necessarily in that order, too”.

“Let me at least take you home. You look a mess, you shouldn’t be walking home alone like this”.

“And whose fault is that?”, my voice spikes up as my hands nervously clean the tear tracks all over my cheeks. I can feel my self control slipping and I hate it, I hate this situation.

“It was just a kiss. It was impulsive and dumb and I’m sorry”, he apologizes, trying to get closer, arms once again outstretched. I walk away from him, like he’s a stranger. Right now, he pretty much feels like one.

“I don’t care about the kiss. It was my trust you broke, Yoongi. You just did the same as Jinhoon back then".

"I would never", he seethes, but I don't even register his anger.

"You knew I trusted you, and you took advantage of it. What you took, it doesn't matter". He tries to speak again but I interrupt him, already exhausted from this conversation. “I’ll be fine, I’ll just go back to Joon’s now and cry a little more, maybe. But you should leave. I don’t want to see you right now”.

“I guess that’s fair. But we’ll talk again later, yeah? We’ll figure this out”.

“There’s nothing to figure out, Yoongi. You fucked up and now I have to make it right. In my head, with Jimin. What remains here comes later”.

“I am really sorry I acted on my dumb impulses and hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you”, he says, voice low, but I’m not looking at him to see how his expression look like. I can’t. “I’ll see you later, okay?”.

I don’t say anything. We stay there for a minute, both silent, eyes not meeting. And then he leaves, without waiting anymore for any response. His steps are slow and uneven as he walks towards the end of the street. I do the same, my head light from the crying, my heart heavy from the mess. I walk back towards the building I just came away from. And I don’t look back.

[zennyshoneybunch]

Mystically Destined - The Musical (Chapter 7 - Wicked Feelings)

- Girl! Get up, Mr. Han and The Mystic Boys are on TV!

Lucy erupted through Lizzy’s room like a tornado, her voice too high pinched and fast for so early in the morning. Lizzy heard her turn on the TV, but her response consisted in a very disinterested “Hm-hm.”, followed by a thug on the covers to hide her head.

- What? Now that you’re friends with them you don’t get excited anymore? You’re the worst friend you know? You’re all friendy-friendy with these gorgeous guys and you don’t even take the opportunity to introduce me.

- Luce, please, I barely slept all night, can we talk later?

Lizzy felt her friend sitting on the bed next to her.

- Liz, did something happen last night? Did Jihyun hurt you again? Because, girl I’m telling you, if he did I’ll march down to that pub today and I will actually cut his damn ball-

- Lucy! For the love of God. Nothing happened I was just not sleepy… until now! Now I’m really, really sleepy please!

- Fine. I have an appointment in twenty minutes anyway. But we will talk about this again sleepyhead.

Lucy uncovered Lizzy’s head just enough to plant a small kiss and left her room. The girl kept her eyes closed but she knew she couldn’t drift back to sleep now, not after all the noise and Jihyun talking. Now her thoughts were all filled with her former boyfriend and his fiancé all over again, just like in the night before.

Making peace with the fact that she was wide awake, Lizzy pushed the covers down and rubbed her eyes.

Lizzy ~ “What's the time? Seems it's already morning.”

She looked at the opened up window, the one she forgot to close before laying on the bed.

Lizzy ~ “I see the sky, it's so beautiful and blue.”

Forcing herself up, she walked to her desk were the TV was still on. Lucy was right, the boys were there giving an interview and Jihyun was the one with the close up, speaking with that mature and soft look of his.

Lizzy ~ “The TV's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you.”

Half way across the city, Jihyun was getting out of bed and heading to the kitchen. His face and messed up hair a solid proof of the rough night he had.

Jihyun ~ “Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee.”

He sat by the kitchen island setting the mug down and grabbing one of the newspapers the maid must have left.

Jihyun ~ “I try to read a bit but the story's too thin.”

Placing the newspaper down again he mussed up his already disheveled hair.

Jihyun ~ “I thank the lord above, you're not here to see me, in this shape I'm in.”

Lizzy turned the TV off and moved to the kitchen. Jihyun left his coffee untouched and headed to the room again.

Lizzy & Jihyun ~ “Spending my time. Watching the days go by. Feeling so small, I stare at the wall, hoping that you think of me too. I'm spending my time.”

She took an apple from the fruit bowl only to put it back in its place again. She didn’t really had an appetite.

Lizzy ~ “My *friend keeps telling me, "Hey, life will go on."

He sunk down on the bed, hands holding his head.

Jihyun ~ “Time will make sure I'll get over you, oh!”

They both ran a hand through the hair, pulling it back.

Lizzy & Jihyun ~ “This silly game of love you play, you win only to lose.”

Lizzy ~ “Ohohohhhh.”

Jihyun got up from the bed and moved to the window. He could see the east side of the big park extending right in front of the apartment.

Lizzy walked to the kitchen window. There she could also see a part of the park, only it was the west side of it.

Jihyun ~ “I'm spending my time.”

Lizzy ~ “Spending my time.”

Jihyun ~ “Watching the days go by.”

Lizzy ~ “Feeling so small, I stare at the wall.”

Jihyun pressed his hand against the window’s glass.

Jihyun ~ “Hoping that you think of me too.”

They both walked away from the windows, walking to their respective bathrooms.

Lizzy ~ “I'm spending my time.

Jihyun ~ “Spending my time.”

Looking into the bathroom mirrors all they could see was the face of the other reflected in it.

Lizzy ~ “I can't live without your loooove.”

Jihyun ~ “I'm spending my time,

Lizzy ~ “I'm spending my time, my time, my time.”

Jihyun ~ “The bed is too big without you honey, honey.”

Tugging at her t-shirt’s hem, she pulled it up through her head and tossed it on the floor, her bare skin exposed to the chilly morning temperature giving her goosebumps.

Lizzy ~ “I'm spending my time.”

Jihyun also took his shirt off, exposing his well-defined but slender and not too worked out chest, and hanged it behind the door.

Jihyun ~ “Ohoohohhh.”

They took off their bottoms, Lizzy leaving hers on the floor, Jihyun hanging his.

Lizzy & Jihyun ~ “I'm spending my time.”

They walked into the shower, ready to start the day.

Jumin walked into the kitchen to find Jihyun bent over the glass table, surrounded by scribbled pieces of paper, some intact, some crumpled, hard at work.

- Good morning. You’re up early.

- Good morning, Jumin. I didn’t sleep much.

- Yes, I can tell. You look ghastly.

- Yes, thank you, my friend.

Jumin draw nearer the mint haired man, peeking over his head.

- Are you writing lyrics again?

- Hm-hm.

- That’s good.

The dark haired friend moved away from the table to the counter, opening and closing doors until he finally found a mug.

- So, can you tell me what the problem with your house is again?

- As far as Rika is concerned, it has a severe bug infection.

Jumin chuckled turning the coffee machine on.

- A severe bug infection. So that’s what you call avoiding sleeping with your fiancé.

- Jumin, that sounds a little strange…

- I agree.

He took a sip of his coffee, leaning against the counter, his legs crossed at the ankles.

- Does this not tell you something is not right? How will you marry this woman if you can’t stomach the thought of spending the night with her? I’m not very knowledgeable about that kind of things, but I’m sure this is not a very auspicious way to start.

V sighed and leaned behind in his chair, his head falling back and his eyes closed.

- You’re right. Of course you’re right. But my head is a mess right now, I just need some time away to think and… I don’t know, I just need time.

- Time away, huh.

- Yes. What do you think?

- I think that you should take that time if you feel like you need it.

Jumin set the empty mug on the counter behind him and crossed his arms, watching his friend attentively.

- So, does that mean we should avoid the pub for now?

- No!

He immediately answered, almost jumping from his chair, just as Jumin expected. He raised his brow smirking at V who cleared his throat with a slight tinge of pink in his cheeks.

- I mean, I don’t think that will be necessary.

- I see. You don’t need time away from Lizzy, which means you can think around her, then?

V let out a small chuckle.

- No, not at all.

Jumin shook his head. Of course he couldn’t really understand what his friend was going through, since he had never fallen in love himself – and judging by the effect it had on V, he was sure he would never want to either -, but he knew he had never seen him act like this. And he was hopping V would make up his mind and have some peace and well deserved happiness.

- I need to go to the pub right now, do you want to come?

V glanced up at the clock in the wall. It was still early, she wouldn’t be there yet, if that was what he was thinking about.

- Later. I want to finish these lyrics first.

- Very well.

With a pat on V’s shoulder, Jumin turned and left his apartment. He thought about asking the concierge to call him a cab, but then decided to walk instead. It was a nice morning and he would probably get there faster on foot than by car.

As soon as he could make out the pub’s entrance, he spotted a familiar looking color of girl’s hair, even though she was being partially covered by some guy’s body.

The man was cornering a very nervous and scared Lizzy between the pub’s wall and a protruding stone pillar from the next building, towering over her. Not that he was very tall, he was definitely shorter than Jumin.

Taking large strides Jumin reached the couple, immediately gripping the guy’s shoulder and asking him in his low and calm voice.

- May I help you?

The kid sneered looking back, no doubt ready to insult whoever had the balls to interrupt his playful sexual harassment. But one look into Jumin’s steel gray eyes and the scornful smiled was wiped clear from his features.

- I believe the lady told you to leave her alone. I hope there is no need for me to tell you the same in my own words. I will not sound as kind as her.

Jumin’s monotonic voice sounding cold and hard made the guy tremble in his distasteful choice of clothes.

- N-no, Sir. I'll leave.

The guy scrambled to move away, but instead of allowing him to go, Jumin’s grasp only grew tighter.

- Don't you have something to say first?

- I-I’m sorry, Sir.

- …To the lady…

Jumin’s voice sounded more like a growl, his patience running thinner by the second.

- Oh, hm, yeah s-sorry miss.

As soon as Jumin let go of the kid’s shoulder, he ran away like the devil himself was chasing him.

Lizzy’s entire body seemed to lose its energy and she wobbled a little against the wall. Calmly Jumin grabbed her arm trying to steady and avoid her from falling to the ground.

- Thank you, Jumin. I was really at a tight spot here.

- You should be more careful. This is not a bad street, but there are bad seeds everywhere. Why are you standing at the pub’s door all alone?

- I came in early expecting to do some of the chores that I ended up not taking care of yesterday... But no one’s here yet.

- Vanderwood should get you a key, then.

That was a commendable trait, he thought. Of course he knew she had to be a good kind of person if she was able to hold his friend’s heart so tightly in her hands. Nonetheless, a lot of time had passed and she could have turned out to be someone very different from the girl Jihyun used to know. After all, Jihyun’s feelings were still tied up to the puppy love they once shared. It was a good thing to see for himself that she was perhaps yet deserving of those feelings.

Lost in his thoughts, while the girl was awkwardly trying to respond to his observation, Jumin noticed something dark tinting the back of her pants, right below her right knee. Looking behind her he found that there was a broken piece of what seemed to be a beer bottle sticking out, tucked between the stones of the pillar. She must have hurt herself without realizing it, trying to step away from the guy’s reach.

Now staring at ler leg he could hear the girl fall into a weird silence, and the next thing he was grabbing her arm and pulling her behind.

- Come with me.

- Wha… I…

He opened the pub’s door with his key and pulled her all the way to the bar. Moving to the back room it didn’t take long to find what he was looking for. Vanderwood and his cleaning compulsion could be very handy sometimes.

He walked back to the bar where Lizzy was waiting with a puzzled expression. Cute. He set the first aid kit on the counter and faced her. Her eyes were wide open and she looked frozen to the spot. Was he really that frightening?

- You have blood on your leg.

- I… do?

She tried to look for it, checking her legs nervously.

- May I take a look?

- Oh, but it's nothin-

He effortlessly lifted her by the waist, setting her on the counter. The girl was too stunned to utter a word. Carefully not to hurt her, he rolled up her right pants leg, trying his best not to touch her bare skin. He wasn’t one to try and cop-a-feel. He rolled it all the way to her knee, exposing it. The wound was barely more than a scratch, definitely not that big for the amount of blood that seeped to the fabric.

Actually what really called for his attention more than the wound was the scar she had on her knee. It was strangely fascinating, the – smaller than he thought – trail of rugged and slightly discolored skin that marked half of her knee.

As if a strange force was pulling him, his hand moved on its own in her leg’s direction, hovering above it for a second, ready to touch the scar, until he saw her flinch. He immediately moved his hand away.

- Is this scar from your accident?

- Yes... Jihyun told you about it, did he?

- He did. Actually everyone knows about it by now... I hope you don't mind, they all like and care for you. Jihyun included.

- Yes, I know. Everyone’s been really nice to me.

- Do you mind if I tend to your wound?

- Oh, please you don’t have to trouble yourself…

- It’s no trouble.

He opened the first aid kit box and retrieved the antiseptic and a large band aid from it. He then held her leg gently in a position where he could reach the wound without making her uncomfortable, cleaning it carefully.

He glanced at her, making sure he wasn’t hurting her. Her face was all red which was actually very adorable. He couldn’t remember the last time he had done something like treating someone else’s injuries. Actually he was pretty sure he had never done something of the sort. It was… strange but in a rewarding way.

Still he could feel how uncomfortable she was. She was always very wary of him. As if she felt like she should treat him with some sort of deference. Always polite but unreachable. Or perhaps she just didn’t felt comfortable talking with her ex-lover’s best friend.

Whatever it was it was making Jumin feel eerie about it. He was perfectly aware that his behavior and demeanor was ages away from the others’, but he was not unfriendly or unpleasant. And for some reason he wanted her to enjoy his company too.

- I know I'm his best friend and probably the only one besides you two who knows the whole story, but I want you to know that I don't take sides. It's not in my nature to act based on emotions. So if you ever feel like you need someone to talk... besides those four nut jobs, I hope you... I want you to know that you can rely on me.

Saying she looked surprised was an understatement. Her big turquoise eyes were as big as dinner plates.

- I thank you, Jumin. That is very nice of you.

He placed the band aid on the injury and looked in her eyes.

- You know, you don’t have to act so rigid around me… I know I’m not as funny as the boys but… I wish you would see me as a friend too.

- I would really like it if we could be friends.

She gave him a warm and sweet smile and he responded with a short but also warm one of his own.

He helped her out of the counter and she crouched down pushing the leg’s jeans to its place.

- He is staying at my apartment right now.

Her hands stopped as she looked up at him.

- What?

- Jihyun. He asked to stay with me for a while. I agreed, so he is staying at my apartment for the time being. I don’t know if that gives you any peace of mind or not, but I thought you would be interested to know. So I am telling you… as your friend.

He saw how her entire body relaxed even as she tried to conceal it. She stood up and brushed her jeans obviously trying to feign indifference.

- That is really not any of my business, we are just good friends, but…

Lizzy faced him and reached for his hand, taking it in hers as she squeezed it with a smile. It almost surprised him how small her hand felt in his.

- Thank you, Jumin.

He felt his face heat up a little and was about to answer her when the sound of someone opening the door interrupted their chat.

Vanderwood stopped at the door looking at them.

- Oh. Are we having a busy morning today?

Feeling the brunette’s piercing gaze on them, Jumin felt like he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and awkwardly moved away from the girl, sweeping his hands into his pockets.

- Lizzy is here to conclude the chores she left unfinished yesterday. You should be thankful for having such a conscientious and industrious person working for you.

Vanderwood approached them, placed the box on the counter and raised his brow at Jumin.

- Should I, now? And are you here to conscientiously help her?

Jumin felt his face heat up yet again and cleared his throat.

- Have you established a proper work schedule for her? She has been working hard since you hired her, with barely any rest.

- It’s true she has been working hard so far. You should take the day off tomorrow, Lizzy.

He got behind the counter, taking the things he brought out of the box. Lizzy leaned on the counter, clearly excited with the idea.

- But will you be all by yourself? You’ll have a hard time if we have a busy night again.

- I’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t want people to say I’m enslaving you.

Vanderwood gave Jumin a sideways look and smirked.

- Ok, thank you. Then I’ll get to work now.

She tied her hair up in a bun, some strands of coppery blond hair falling on her beautiful slender neck. Jumin found himself captivated by it.

Jumin ~ “The world was on fire and no one could save me but you. It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.”

What was he thinking? He couldn’t actually be ogling the girl, could he? She was V's girl and he should never allow that to slip of his mind.

Jumin ~ “I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.”

Jumin teared his eyes away. Vanderwood was cleaning and straightening behind the bar, pretending to be oblivious of Jumin’s interest in his new waitress.

Jumin ~ “No, III don't want to fall in love.”

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Jumin pushed his silky black hair back with a movement of the hand and discretely glanced at Lizzy again.

Jumin ~ “No, III don't want to fall in love.”

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Be that as it may, she was a lovely and kind girl, nothing like the types he usually met that would fawn over him claiming adoration and love when all they cared for was his money and fame.

Jumin ~ “With you. With you.“

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Yes, V was a lucky man, for having someone clearly holding him so dear in her heart. Jumin wasn’t sure he would ever find someone like that for himself. If only Lizzy didn’t already belong to V…

Jumin ~ “What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you.”

He slowly walked away from the bar, moving closer to Lizzy who was busy picking up a few bottles and glasses left on the tables, putting them on a tray and wiping the tables with a humid cloth in fluid dancing movements.

Jumin ~ “What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way. What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you. And III don't want to fall in love.”

He really wanted to touch her fallen strands of hair, slowly sliding his finger through it.

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Jumin ~ “No, III don't want to fall in love.”

He wouldn’t mind touching the skin of her neck either, to make sure it was as soft as it looked.

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Jumin ~ “With you.��

Jumin walked until he was right behind her, almost whispering at her ear.

Jumin ~ “The world was on fire and no one could save me but you. It's strange what desire will make foolish people do. I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you. And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.”

He backed away from her until he felt the cold of the window’s glass against his back.

Jumin ~ “No, III don't want to fall in love.”

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

Still he couldn’t take his eyes away from her as she waltzed from table to table with light ballet moves, in perfect harmony with his singing.

Jumin ~ “No, III don't want to fall in love.”

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

He rubbed the back of his neck.

Jumin ~ “With you.“

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

He struggled against the need he felt to dance with her while pretending to help her clean. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

Jumin ~ “With you.“

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

He leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes, fighting the strange thoughts that were invading his usually so analytical brain.

Jumin ~ “No, IIIIIII…”

Vandy ~ “This girl is only gonna break your heart.”

His heart was feeling funny. Unless he considered the weird feelings that invaded him every time he had an argument with Amanda - which he wasn’t - he had never felt like that before in his life.

Jumin ~ “Nobody loves no one.”

But she was V’s. That was all he needed to know.

This night was another full busy night at the pub. The boys didn’t show up to rehearse their songs, but they did, all of them, decide to grab a drink.

Even Lucy showed up with a few friends, which allowed Lizzy to finally introduce her to the band.

Having all her new and old friends together made Lizzy extremely happy, especially since Lucy refrained from being rude or impolite to Jihyun. In fact Lizzy was sure she was just unable to resist his gentlemanly charm and kind demeanor. And also the fact that he was apparently avoiding sleeping with his fiancé, which Lizzy couldn’t resist to tell her friend all about, seemed to impress her a little, improving her mood towards her friend’s ex-boyfriend.

Only the said fiancé was missing. Thankfully! But no one mentioned the fact, as if she didn’t even existed in their lives.

Lizzy was taking a minute from waitressing, talking with her friends when a feminine voice rose above the pub’s rumble.

- Hey, you bunch of weirdos, did you miss me?

Everyone looked over to the door to find a tall and stylish girl standing there. She had a lovely blue blouse under her light brown leather jacket, a pair of dark denim jeans and brown jackboots. Her lovely ginger hair fell gracefully in waves over her shoulders and her beautifully deep blue eyes were filled with laughter.

- AMANDA!!!!

In one voice all the clients plus Zen, Yoosung and Seven screamed the girl’s name, throwing their arms up in a welcoming reception.

The girl laughed merrily and then lifted her index finger to her lips, hushing everyone to be quiet. Everyone immediately obeyed and a naughty smile appeared in her lips before she pointed at the crowd and winked.

Amanda ~ “Players! Put your pinky rings up to the moon.”

Everyone cheered. With one hand on her waist she moved her hips sensually.

Amanda ~ “Girls, what y'all trying to do? Twenty four karat magic in the air. Head to toe so player. Look out, uh!”

Amanda walked into the room with confident steps.

Amanda ~ “Pop pop, it's show time.”

Everyone ~ “Show time.”

Amanda ~ “Show time.”

Everyone ~ “Show time.”

She stopped right between Zen and Seven.

Amanda ~ “Guess who's back again? Oh they don't know?”

Zen & Seven ~ “Go on tell 'em.”

Amanda ~ “Oh they don't know?”

Zen & Seven ~ “Go on tell 'em.”

She moved in Jumin’s direction, tugging on her jacket’s lapels with a look of defiance in her eyes.

Amanda ~ “I bet they know soon as *I walk in. Wearing Cuban links, designer minks, inglewood's finest shoes.”

Everyone ~ “Whoop, whoop.”

She winked provocatively at him, turning her back and walking away with a thrust of the hip to the side.

Amanda ~ “Don't look too hard might hurt ya'self. Known to give the color red the blues. I'm too hot.”

Zen ~ “Hot damn.”

She moved to Saeran, even though he tried so hard to pass unnoticed, glued to the piano’s side, fanning herself with her hand.

Amanda ~ “Call the police and the fireman, I'm too hot.”

Seven ~ “Hot damn.”

She stroke the boy’s white and pink hair and winked at him.

Amanda ~ “Make a dragon wanna retire, man, I'm too hot.”

Zen & Seven ~ “Hot damn.”

She opened her arms to the crowd who cheered.

Amanda ~ “Say my name you know who I am, I'm too hot.”

Everyone ~ “Hot damn.”

Amanda ~ “Am I bad 'bout that money, break it down.”

She climbed onto an empty chair and from there to the table. Vanderwood gave her the evil eye, but she didn’t seem to care, throwing him a kiss instead.

Amanda ~ “Players only, come on, put your pinky rings up to the moon. Girls, what y'all trying to do? Twenty four karat magic in the air. Head to toe so player. Uh, look out!”

She jumped to the ground and outstretched her arm, hand opened.

Amanda ~ “Stop, wait a minute.

She walked through the crowd, throwing some sick dance moves.

Amanda ~ “Fill my cup, put some liquor in it. Take a sip, sign a check, Julio, get the stretch. Ride to Harlem, Hollywood, Jackson, Mississippi. If we show up, we gon' show out. Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy.”

Zen and Seven ran to her and she let herself fall into Zen’s arms as if fainting.

Amanda ~ “I'm too hot.”

Zen ~ “Hot damn.”

Seven started to fan her with both his hands.

Amanda ~ “Call the police and the fireman, I'm too hot.”

Seven ~ “Hot damn.”

Zen put her back on the ground and the three of them scooched down smacking the floor with one hand and rising again.

Amanda ~ “Make a dragon wanna retire man, I'm too hot.”

Zen & Seven ~ “Hot damn.”

She pointed at Jihyun with both her index fingers and smiled at him. He smiled back, shaking his head.

Amanda ~ “Say my name you know who I am, I'm too hot.”

Everyone ~ “Hot damn.”

Amanda asked for everyone’s attention with her hands, and then, with a suggestive thrust of their hips, she, Zen and Seven walked to the back of the room.

Amanda ~ “Am I bad 'bout that money. Now, now, now watch me break it down like uh.”

Zen & Seven ~ “Twenty four karat, twenty four karat magic.”

Amanda ~ “What's that sound?”

Zen & Seven ~ “Twenty four karat, twenty four karat magic.”

Amanda ~ “Come on now.”

They lifted her and sat her on top of the piano.

Zen & Seven ~ “Twenty four karat, twenty four karat magic. Don't fight the feeling, invite the feeling, just put your pinky rings up to the moon. Girls, what y'all trying to do?”

Amanda ~ “Tell me what y'all trying to do.”

Everyone ~ “Twenty four karat magic in the air. Head to toe so player.”

She dramatically jumped back to the ground.  

Amanda ~ “Uh, look out.”

Everyone started applauding and cheering. Lizzy was amazed at how well-loved and well received Amanda was by every single one in that pub. Her attention was being requested by boys and girls alike, and she treated them all like long lost friends.

Distracted by the scene, suddenly Jumin’s voice reached her from behind.

- Like I said: loud and obnoxious.

She looked back at him and his face was so uncharacteristically annoyed she couldn’t avoid laughing.

*** Chapter Songs***

Spending my Time by Roxette*

Wicked Game by Chris Isaac

24k magic / Uptown Funk Mashup (by Bruno Mars & Mark Robson ft Bruno Mars)*

* Warning: I altered something on the song.

[joyfullynervouscreator]

Song of Souls (six)

artsy thing made by @corinthian-13

“I will tell you nothing!” he forced the words past lips that cracked with the movement, bleeding sluggishly. Before him, the blonde elf that he had once considered a fair form had been revealed for the malice of his soul, and Celebrimbor cursed his own naivety for the millionth time, his own need for redemption of his house that had made him so welcoming to this traitor; that fact hurt more than any of the tortures that the creature – he refused to use the name he had called him when he still believed the façade of friendliness – inflicted. The pale hand, its glow seemingly strengthened by the feeling of suffering that hung in the air between them, wiped away one crimson droplet, cupping his chin and lifting his head slowly. Those eyes – once he had thought they were gateways to knowledge beyond measure, but now the blue skies had been replaced with dark clouds – narrowed at him, while the mouth beneath them split in a smile that was a mockery of all the smiles that face had bestowed upon him over the many years he had worked with this being.

“I know,” he whispered, “I have always known you would be stubborn; it’s in your blood.” Celebrimbor wanted to tear his face away from that hand, but his body was too weak to do more that flinch slightly. His tormentor chuckled, patting his cheek. “Don’t worry, though,” he whispered, “it’ll be over soon. Even as we speak, my armies are marching on your little city – should we attack those mountain-dwelling grubby Dwarrow you’re so fond of next?” he asked, ignoring the way Celebrimbor stiffened, his arms – stretched beyond comfort for so long he had lost feeling in the limbs – rattling the manacles that chained him to the wall. The smile widened, the glowing fingers caressing his bleeding lip, healing the small hurt like he was mocking the larger rends he had recently torn in Celebrimbor’s flesh, some still gaping beyond the power of his physical body to close, streaks of blood running down his pale skin to pool on the floor. “Perhaps I will bring you a little gift; maybe the head of that Dwarf you loooove,” dragging the word out, until it was a mockery of the emotion it concealed, he continued, “that little golden-haired one, what was her name…?” the mouth paused theatrically, one of its owners long pale fingers tapping those perfectly formed lips as though he couldn’t remember. Celebrimbor felt sick. Narví! He cried in his mind, longing to conjure up any image of her, but fearing that any memory he chose would be warped into seeing her dead lifeless eyes staring up at him unseeing from where she had been tossed on the dark stone floor of his cell. Snapping his fingers like someone who has just remembered something elusive, the traitor beamed, drinking in the pain Celebrimbor knew he could not mask from those far-too-keen eyes. “Narví!” he crowed, “that was her name, wasn’t it?” Stroking down Celebrimbor’s naked chest, his fingertips healing the cuts he had left behind even as his nails opened new rivers of blood, the traitor he had once called his best friend cackled. Celebrimbor tried not to recoil from the pain, though the physical one was minor in comparison to the horror he felt brewing in what was left of his mind, his heart burning. “Yes, once Ost-in-Edhil is a heap of smouldering ashes, I will bring you Narví’s little head; then you can be together for all time. Wouldn’t you like that? Of course, Eventually there’d be only bones left, but I’m sure you could talk to her skull, or something. Just beware my little helpers don’t find her – they do like wearing the skulls of their enemies…” Laughing, he straightened, the white robe stained with crimson blood, though his sleeves were as pristine as when he had entered the cell untold hours before. The elf-who-was-no-elf laughed again, a sound that had once been a marker of shared joy, but was now no more than another tool with which to torment the prisoner. Celebrimbor closed his eyes. Narví, he called, barely registering the death knell of his cell door closing. The door was, like so many things in this prison, a mocking parody of his own work; no ithildin shone on its surface, which had been chased in gold, but the symbols were there, the trees and the arches, the stars, the crown and anvil, each one carved crudely and without any of the skill that had made his own work so flawless. For now, he was alone, distracting himself from thinking about his beloved city in flames by conjuring up images of sunlight trapped in golden hair, with eyes the colour of the sea squinting at him as their owner’s laugh filled his ears, the memory of a long-ago afternoon in Ost-in-Edhil filling his soul. There had been so much light there, in the home he had built, based it on what he remembered of his home in Valinor, with courtyards overflowing with greenery, tiny streams and waterfalls creating a soft underlayer of sound that meshed perfectly with the way his uncle’s harp played across the years, his own younger self’s laughter as he threw himself into Makalaurë’s arms, begging for a story. Amme had chuckled, but together they had built for him intricate castles of imagination in the gardens, and even when ataryo scoffed at them and called it a silly habit, he, too, was listening, his quick fingers sketching out scenes from the stories and bringing them to life all around Tyelpe. Sometimes, Makalaurë would convince ataryo to sing with him, and they would make wondrous things happen with the power of their voices, creating blooming flowers that sprouted from the earth in minutes or making his toys wheel around without pushing. Songs were powerful, he had learned, and though he never had much of the gift himself – he preferred playing in ataryo’s workshop and following Fëanor around until grandfather consented to teach him something, making grandmother Nerdanel laugh and ruffle his hair, calling him Mahtan’s blood – Tyelpe paid attention when his uncles told him how they worked. There were Songs of Power, of Memory, of the Sea – he had not seen those in action until after his name became Celebrimbor – but his favourite was the Song of Souls, which always made ataryo scoff and go off to the workshop, telling his brother to stop filling Tyelpe’s head with nonsense. Makalaurë had just smiled, shaking his head and told the story anyway, the story of great need allowing an Elf who knew how to send a message to the one he loved with all his soul – no matter how far the distance between them.

Celebrimbor woke with a scream, almost comforted by the sight of the nothingness that was better than his memories of pain and fear. It had been an eternity since he had heard Narví’s voice, heard her bellow out a war cry, fury evident in every syllable.

 Narví was getting tired; they had defended their barricades for almost 6 hours before Glorfindel blew the retreat and the vanguard was obviously the last to cross the long planks they were using for bridges, while the rear-guard and the archers continued to decimate the ranks of Orcs that were still coming over their line of defence. In her arms, Khalebrimbur’s corpse lay limply; she ignored the sickly-sweet smell of decay that clung to him, pretending it was the warm scent of hot metal and coals as she carried him across the planks. She had put him down once they were back behind the barricade, but she hadn’t even acknowledged Glorfindel’s offer of taking her burden. No one would be carrying her elf except her. The Elf had simply sighed, raising his sword once more and falling in behind her, allowing her to focus on cross the blood-slippery wood without falling into the Glanduin – the river was not too swift, here, but it was deep and her armour was heavy. If she fell in, she would not be able to get back out under her own power, Narví knew, though the threat of drowning was a distant concern to her, overshadowed by her broken and bleeding heart. She had known, yes, but there was a difference between knowing her Khalebrimbur had perished – she had not wished to believe it, but she had known that when he said goodbye to her in Durin’s Council Chamber, it was goodbye for good – and actually seeing the physical evidence of the horrors that had been done to him. She tried to call forth images of his smiles, of his skin unblemished as he worked shirtless in his forge on a hot summer’s day, but her happier memories kept being pushed away by the horrible image of his tortured flesh hung up on a pole to be carried as a banner of war. Narví did not speak a word, simply continued to head towards the Sirannon, her feet sinking into the soft ground between the two rivers. Around her, soldiers were fighting, and Glorfindel was never far, his weapon singing through the air as he fought the oncoming hordes. Narví’s hand was still clutching the handle of her axe, but she did not swing it, slowly moving forwards, always forwards, carrying her precious burden towards the mountains of home.

  The darkness around them was thick like the deep mines; even Glorfindel’s glow seemed diminished, as though the dark clouds of the Enemy’s making had fallen down from the heavens and layered across the boggy ground they were traversing, their steel boots getting trapped in soggy patches. The Elf was dancing across the ground, keeping an eye out for any pursuit. Narví herself felt mostly useless, her arms full of Celebrimbor’s cold corpse and leaving no way for her to swing her axe without dropping him. She had heard guardsdwarrow die behind her, but she had to keep moving no matter what, she knew, survival more important than mourning. Glorfindel’s words earlier had borne fruit in her mind, a thought she wasn’t sure had even occurred to the Elf himself: If the Enemy knew about Khalebrimbur’s friendship with her, Narví thought it likely he would also assume – or guess, she didn’t think Khalebrimbur would have told him anything on purpose – that she either possessed one of the rings – Durin did, the Ring of Sapphire, which Khalebrimbur had made almost a century before, shortly after they had first agreed to building their gate, as a sign of friendship between their peoples – or that Narví knew where the Three might be found. As a matter of fact, she had some idea; surely, he would have sent at least one to his cousin – Narví wasn’t quite sure if the Lady who had walked through the Deep without her light ever dimming was his cousin or his niece – the Lady Galadriel, and probably one to Gil-galad, the High King of his own kind. It’s what she would have done if she wanted to keep safe something that important, and Khalebrimbur was cleverer than she was in many areas; even if he was woefully naïve in other matters.

  The sound of running water became louder in her ears, the sounds of battle dimmer behind her with every step. They had left behind a few of her guard to halt the Enemy’s pursuit; Narví could have cursed herself for giving away her position with her insistence on reclaiming Khalebrimbur’s corpse, but she could have done no different in the moment, she knew, even if she had known how doggedly their enemies would pursue them to get to her. Glorfindel’s light, too, seemed dimmer, as though he was tiring, and yet he kept vigilant, while on her other side one of her oldest and most trusted guards – one of her brother’s personal friends, in fact – seemed bent on ensuring no blade had a chance of even getting near her armour to test its capabilities. Narví almost smiled. Harkon was diligent at all times, but she reckoned he’d received special instructions from Durin with the way he stuck to her side like a burr, his axes whirling instruments of death. In her arms, Khalebrimbur lay still, as though – aside from the wounds hat marred his pale flesh and the way his head lolled on his broken neck if she bumped it away from her shoulder – he might be simply sleeping. We’re almost home, Khalebrimbur. She didn’t know if she had said the words aloud, tiredness dragging at her heels when she finally stepped through the last obstructive holly-bush and caught sight of the pale ribbon that was the Sirannon. On her right, the sound of the Gate Falls roared through the still and oppressive darkness; she had never felt so terrified of darkness before, even in the deepest blackest pit of a mine they had dug. The darkness inside a mine, however, was a welcoming thing; the bosom of their Stone Mother, the Realm of their Father, where no Dwarf would ever be shown away. This darkness, however, was clammy and oily against her skin, smelling foul and filled with malevolent hatred and greed for something she could not name.

“We cannot cross here, Narví,” Harkon remarked, which was true; the stream was not that wide, but it was swift and deadly deep so close to the falls.

“We must, Harkon,” she said, trying to give him an encouraging smile. It was a pale effort at best. Glorfindel nodded.

“We cannot get further down stream,” he added, “the Orcs have already crossed the river: they’re fighting their way along the Great Road now.” Narví snarled quietly.

“So be it.” Setting down Khalebrimbur, she began pulling off the plate-mail of her armour. Harkon gasped. “We cannot swim in steel, Harkon,” Narví sighed. Behind them, they could hear someone violently crashing through the foliage. Harkon stiffened.

“I will guard your back, Narví Zabad,” he swore, turning his back on the river. Narví wanted to cry, but she would not demean his sacrifice by offering protest. Instead, she nodded.

“I will sing for you,” she murmured, barely giving herself time to witness his nod before picking up the body once more. Harkon did not turn, but Narví knew he was smiling.

“Let me carry Celebrimbor,” Glorfindel said. By virtue of his height, should be able to walk across the bottom for most of the crossing while keeping his head above water. Narví sighed; part of her wanted to be stubborn, keep hold of her love’s physical shell, no matter how empty, but she knew that she would be unable to keep herself alive while keeping him in her arms at the same time. She might have abandoned the heavier pieces of armour designed to safeguard her from sword-strokes and axe-blows, but she was still wearing mithril mail and steel boots, the armouring surrounding her legs too cumbersome to remove without aid. Nodding to the elf when he bent to pick up the corpse, she waited until he had made it into the stream, his helm left behind as his only concession to the power of the rushing water. Taking a deep breath, and with the sound of Harkon’s war-cry ringing in her ears, Narví plunged into the icy stream.

“We’re almost home, Khalebrimbur,” Narví’s voice whispered through the foggy greyness that surrounded him. It made Celebrimbor look up sharply, fearing that she would be gone forever when he had stopped hearing the ringing echoes of his own cries and realised that her voice was silent.

@life-is-righteous @mainecoon76 @sassytyphoondetective

[aftertheabuseblog]

Understanding and Denial

Understanding and Denial

My schoolwork was suffering, nothing I did seemed to make the slightest difference in the downturn of my life. My self worth was… let's be honest, I didn't have any right then. Seemingly confirming my lack of worth my parents wrote my teacher that they wanted her to fail me so I would have to repeat grade 7 and do better. Let's go back a year…

I was staying the night at my friends, Joel and Bryce's house when puberty hit, I was so embarrassed. I was 11, almost 12. I thought something was wrong with my body, I had no clue what was happening, this felt too similar to the abuse. My parents wouldn't have “the talk” with me for almost another year. I felt dirty. I couldn't tell my friends or their parents what happened. So I went to the washroom, cleaned myself up and went back to bed.

A couple weeks later we went to the hot springs together where I was called a f*g for the first time, by a stranger, another reason to feel bad about myself. Upon returning home from that trip I began to really question my worth.

TRIGGER WARNING

Shortly after I turned 12, I was staying the weekend out at Joel and Bryce's place again and we set off on our usual exploration of what was flammable on the farm and what common rocks will produce a spark when struck together. That night I was sleeping in Bryce's bed with him and I wanted to let him know how much I enjoyed spending time with him and his brother, something I had learned how to do the wrong way from an adult family friend, let's call him Darren (he molested and sexually abused me from the age of 9-10). Bryce and I were both laying there in our underwear and I started scratching his back lightly and slowly worked my way down to his butt and then started rubbing, as Darren had taught me. I definitely wasn't going to reach around and grab his penis like Darren had with me since that made me feel dirty and I didn't want Bryce to feel dirty. So I kept gently massaging and rubbing his butt. “He’s rubbing my butt,” Bryce announced to Joel who was in the next bed.

“That's wrong. I’m telling my mom and dad.” Wrong?! It was wrong to rub a friends butt? I desperately pleaded with him not to tell his parents and explained that I thought I was doing something good. Yes I knew touching someone else's penis was wrong but I didn't know that touching a butt was wrong. I promised now that I knew I would never do it again. Bryce said that it made him feel dirty. I was humiliated, that was the opposite of what I wanted. I apologized profusely and they both agreed to not say anything to their parents. That was the last time I spent the night at their place or they stayed at mine. We barely talked after that night. It seemed something was wrong with me. I had wanted to show a symbol of close friendship, and ended up alienating my 2 closest friends, and I didn't have many of those. My remaining trust in myself was now gone too.

Soon it was time for “The Talk.” My mom sat my sister and I both down at the dining room table at the same time and handed us a pamphlet, or magazine, and told us to read it. I couldn't focus on the words. We weren't allowed to take it to our rooms and I was too self conscious to read this in front of my mom and sister, so I skimmed it, pretended to read it and said I understood. Since my parents wouldn't allow us to take sex ed at school, this was the piss poor substitute and I learned nothing. One of my friends at school had already had the talk and filled me in, and although he got some of the details wrong, I picked up enough to fill in the blanks from the pamphlet I skimmed. Turns out in a way I did get sex ed at school, previous personal experience not withstanding.

Soon my voice began to change and I would lament the loss of my high range. Secretly I love to sing, I loooove to sing. When I was absolutely sure no one was around, I would explore my vocal range. When others were around, I would intentionally throw my voice out of tune. This was for me and me alone. The notes I could hit and sustain would thrill me. Post puberty, I fell flat, vocally and emotionally. I always wanted to sing the part of the princess lamenting the absence of a prince in her life. Puberty robbed me of that dream, I would never get that range back. Or so I thought. A couple of years ago I found a YouTube channel done by Nick Pitera, a full grown male with an amazing vocal range. I thought it was a lady that he was lip syncing, but no it was his own voice. He has and amazing low, middle and high end. Some call him the most versatile voice on YouTube. Recently I have been working on extending my high range while staying in key, my neighbours must love me, and found that my low range has extended as a result as well. I can almost sing the highest notes in Part of You World from The Little Mermaid in key. Don't know if I'm ready to share my voice with the world yet, I've tried recording it but I get nervous and my throat constricts throwing me off key and out of pitch. My cat seems to really like it when I sing to her though.

After learning about the birds and the bees, some of what I had locked away came back to me in a new light. It wasn't just bad times, it was bad sexually. I told myself, I must have done something wrong for this to happen. No, no! It didn't happen. I'm imagining it. How I wished that were the case. So I tried my best to go into deep denial. Despite my best effort, some of it was always there. Like a loud song in the background, it was always there. School didn't matter, it seemed so finite an issue. What difference would it make if I did my homework or not, my life would still suck.

Soon after the denial began, I again started having more frequently the same nightmares I had when I was 7. Then I had my first hallucination, at least the first one I can recall. I was in my room wearing my sweatpants and sat on my bed without checking to see if there was anything there first. I don't remember what I sat on but it poked into my butt crack far enough to trigger that “electric” sensation. Immediately before me appeared the dark smokey visage of Dark Man from my nightmares, now in my waking life. I let out a blood curdling scream, my voice had not changed completely yet, and ran into my moms room in an adrenaline fuelled terror. I collapsed shaking on the ground before her, grasping tightly onto her legs. I told her there was a shadow man coming through my window. Since my window was at least 25 feet off of the ground she immediately dismissed it. Over the next few years I would have anxiety related chest pains, insomnia, and “freak out” moments all of which I reported to my mother. Recently I asked my mother why they never sought to get any professional help for me and her response was, “I didn't know, there were no signs.” No signs my ass.

Soon after puberty, I started having what I now know are ocular migraines, my mom dismissed them as “Your eyes are getting fuzzy because you're growing too fast.” I tried to impress upon her that no other kids that I had asked were experiencing anything like it but, not once did she take me to the doctor or optometrist to address this. Any medical problems that didn't have immediate visual signs that my sister and I had, it was “all in our heads, don't come to me for sympathy.” When she had anything minor medically, the world was going to end.

So I was left to deal with this growing anxiety that soon led to sleepless nights, which added to my second hallucination. My friend Tony was spending the night, I found that since the deep denial began, I had trouble falling asleep when there was someone else in the room. So I started counting his breathing while watching his chest rise and fall in the faint light, 80… 200, my mind began to wander to the bad memories. I was remembering being at the bottom of those stairs and suddenly Dark Man was standing over top of Tony, looking down at him with glowing red eyes. Slowly the glowing red eyes turned to look at me, piercing me, driving terror into my soul. I couldn't speak, I pulled the covers over my head as I started silently crying. I would not be sleeping that night. In the morning I told Tony about what I saw and he insisted that I must have been asleep and had a nightmare. But I knew I had been awake, lucid dreaming had taught me how to tell the difference between dreaming and reality and I was always, “checking my reality” (see chapter Year of Hell).

Those are the only 2 sustained hallucinations that I can recall I had when I was young. At the age of 9, I started having fleeting shadow hallucinations. Out of the corner of my eye I would see a shadowy human shaped figure, and then it would be gone as quickly as it was there. One day the shadowy figure appeared very close to me and in a moment of fright I lost control of my bladder. Looking for help, I told my mom that I had just wet my pants. Without asking if something had scared me or if something was wrong she automatically assumed that I had been disgusting and/or lazy and wet my pants. She grabbed me, stripped off my pants and underwear along with any remaining dignity. While verbally berating me she said, “If you're going to wet your pants like a baby, then I'll treat you like a baby!” and grabbed a towel which she pinned on me like a diaper. I had to wear it for the afternoon so that I could “learn my lesson.” Having my dignity stripped away once again was very traumatizing. I was supposed to be safe and be able to get help when needed. It seemed to me that my mom was more concerned about how having a son who wet his pants seemed to reflect on her than what might be potentially wrong with me. It's only upon reflection now that I realize that all these incidents happened when dad was either at work or out of town, never when he was home. Whenever I wet myself after that, I would take off my pants and underwear and rinse them out in the laundry room sink. Sometimes I would force myself to keep wearing the soiled underwear underneath fresh pants as a self punishment for my perceived failure of self.

With belief in myself at an all time low I stopped doing my homework, or if I did it I would often cheat. I became a chronic liar, after all, if no one was going to believe me when I was speaking the truth why should I bother telling it. To add to the pile, my grade 7 teacher didn't like me and would pick on me. I used to get hiccups all the time when I was younger, especially during times of heightened anxiety. She gave me detention because I had the hiccups. One day I had forgotten my day planner at home, and she told me I had to walk home to go get it. Keep in mind it was the middle of winter and I didn't have my snow pants that day. It was -20 F with the wind and it wasn't a short walk. When I got home there was no one there and my legs were starting to loose all feeling and I was feeling sluggish, having frozen my ankles the previous year, I knew this was bad. A couple of blocks away were some family friends, so I went there. Patricia, the mom of the family answered the door and immediately pulled me inside. After demanding an explanation for what I was doing walking around improperly dressed in this weather and listening to my explanation, her face went red with anger. She made me a hot chocolate, and drove me back to the school where I waited in the car. She went into my classroom and balled the teacher out in front of my class for telling a student to walk home for something as petty as a day planner, let alone when it was this cold out. My classmates told me about it, I kinda wish I'd been there to see it. She later got another talking to by my parents when they found out. She was a little nicer to me after that.

Toward the midpoint of the school year, I had been hanging out during lunch and recess with another boy who had some mental development issues, but he was always trying his best. In fact I was jealous of him because they had worked out an incentive program to help him complete his school work. If he handed major assignments in on time, he got a dollar from his mom, if it was late but complete, 50 cents. It seemed to work for him. One day after lunch our teacher was waiting at the doors nearest our classroom making sure everyone was coming in. Upon seeing me coming in alone, she said “Good to see you're not with your tardy friend.” I know tardy means late, but from her tone it was clear she meant the other similar sounding derogatory word, especially since he wasn't late. Some people just shouldn't be teachers.

As the school year wound down my report card came in, it was a pass, but barely. When you ask a kid if there's anything wrong, chances are the answer will be ‘no’, even when there is a problem. Sometimes the child simply doesn't have the vocabulary or understanding yet to describe what's wrong. You have to look at the child's actions and moods. Had my parents relied on that they would have seen I was at the beginning of a spiralling depression. But they didn't. Having decided that my bad grades were simply the result of me just not trying hard enough, they wrote my teacher a letter telling her they wanted me to be held back and repeat grade 7. It seemed my lack of belief in myself was justified. In a rare move of compassion, my teacher told me she didn't support the idea and thought that I would feel much better and do much better in a system like high school. So the money I tucked under the envelope was enough to sway her. Just kidding, she kept my passing grade without being bribed.

So it would seem that if I had a problem at home I would have to learn to deal with it myself. When presented with a situation at age where I could possibly end my life and it would look like an accident, I took it...

(More on that in tomorrow's post)

[asksansweredpdf]

1:  Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. i don’t have one particular favourite movie per se. but  star wars: i binge watched them at my friend’s house just before the ast jedi came out. i knew nothing about star wars and watched everything within 2/3 days. then, about a week later i watched the force awakens. and that was purely because we decided to watch the last jedi (which had just come out in cinemas) the next day. honestly, i didn’t care for star wars much skdjfhdjk but the force awakens really got me into it. and the last jedi fully sold me. then i went back and rewatched and i loooove the empire strikes back. now they’re my favourite movies. marvel: again, i hadn’t seen any marvel. but i had pretty much every friend i had yelling at me to catch up before end game came out. i loosely planned on watching them, but didn’t really get around to it until i got baked at a friends house and we had nothing to do. so we watched age of ultron and iron man and some others (i was too stoned to remember). i was sold i loved every second. and the fact that i was very high and rdj was very cute didn’t hurt. i went home the next day and watched ragnarok which happened to be probably the best movie i’d ever seen at that point. the next day, we got stoned again and watched infinity war. it was so fucked but amazing. i booked tickets for me and my dad to watch end game this saturday. 

2:  Talk about your first kiss. oh god. i was 15 and there was this guy who i thought was cool. he was a friend of my very gay crush at the time. me and the crush had a falling out later on. and a lot of other fucked up shit happened around that time period. i moved to his (the friend's) neighbourhood as it happened. we got talking because we had the same taste in music. and my best friend at the time put in a good word for me. i didn’t think of him as much more than a friend tbh, but my life was going to shit and i wanted to get out of the house ad have fun. so we organised to meet up at our town’s centre shopping place. i told my parents i was going with [insert random female names here] to hang out since we moved into a new place. they bought it and offered to drive me. i honestly thought we were just going to chill out and eat food. i was also nervous that this was a set up from his friend who was my crush, since the crush hated me and probably would have plotted to do something fucked. however, it turned out not to be a set up. we ended up walking around the suburb. this was much to my disapproval, because i was not very fit and had a strong dislike for exercise. he could tell i was tired and we decided to stop and sit down on this brick wall thing at the corner of a street. there was some terrible flirting on my part, and the next thing i know i was kissing this guy. i was pretty excited because every 15 year old girl wants their first kiss. and especially edgy ones who needed a distraction. i came home with no lipstick and chapped lips. lucky my parents were too busy to notice. 

3:  Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.  most intense? i could list best friends, but in terms of intensity i think it would be this guy that i moved out with for the first time. i know this sounds terrible, but he was my best friend’s boyfriend at the time. i was pretty sure i was a lesbian at the time and i’m also not fucked up. so i wasn’t expecting this at all. because of the whole gay thing, and me being a flirty shit with anyone, i ended up very shamelessly flirting with him. he was sooo pretty, and im not just saying this. objectively, he is still probably one of the best looking people i’ve ever seen. and i own mirrors. anywayyyy, i took my sister to this lana del rey concert one day. not a lana fan personally, but borns was opening and i like him. turns out i like borns a lot. a hell of a lot. next day, i found myself talking to my best friend and her boyfriend and being like “hey i think i might be bi”. their reaction can be quoted as “oh cool okay.” the night after the concert, we got drunk. not a great idea, because i love to flirt when sober. so when i’m drunk and have literally 0 shame it’s a lot of fun but also an entire disaster. my friend bought her friend over and they were talking, which left me and the bf. the boys started teaching me self defence and were doing the whole smooth thing where they stand pressed up behind you and move your arms for you. they put me into headlocks and taught me how to get out and stuff. i was so drunk the ground kept spinning. a lot of terrible outrageous flirting ensued, like choking, touching adams apples, arm tickles, hugs that lasted 10 minutes while he had a knife in his pocket for whatever reason? more hugs like that but now featuring grinding. we slept in the same bed (just slept. nothing else. don’t get too excited). cuddling while in the same bed. laying on his chest and falling asleep. him playing with my hair. one time he played with my tiddies. this was over the course of like 9 months. whenever we werent 2 seconds away from like ..... jumping each other, we were just flirting in the most unsubtle way. obviously nothing happened, because he had a gf and everything. and as much as i didnt want to, i started to get some reeeeeal feelings. turns out the guy was a dick who only flirted with me whenever his gf wasnt paying attention to me. i later cut the whole thing off, and he started to act like a real dick to me. but yeaaahh. that was some intense shit. 

4:  Talk about the thing you regret most so far. probably not getting a license for any vehicle. that’s held me back so much the last 5 years. i wouldn’t have had to go through half the shit i did, if i could just drive

5:  Talk about the best birthday you've had. my 15th birthday! i had raspberry chocolate bullets, watched movies in class because it was end of term, my friends bought me presents to school. the guy i had a crush on came to where i was sitting and sung a song to me in front of everyone. i think my friend bought me a club penguin membership? i ate pide and played league with crush and crush’s crush.

6:  Talk about the worst birthday you've had. my 18th. i don’t want to talk too much about it because im very drunk atm but basically, i was suuuper depressed already that year. my mum was doing cocaine every spare second she could, and screwing men for it so she could get it for free (of course, none of us knew this at the time). whenever she wasn’t doing coke she was screaming at everyone for like, not taking pictures of her enough, or for eating dinner without asking her, etc. she and my dad were constantly either yelling at each other, or were 2 seconds away from yelling at each other. we went to a clothes shopping outlet. which i very outwardly expressed my hatred for, btw. my mum got mad because my dad told her not to look at clothes, because it was my 18th. my mum didn’t talk for the rest of the time we were in the shopping centre. i could feel the tension rising because they were in the 2 seconds away from having a fight period. i came home and watched sailor moon in my room alone. later my parents brought a cake and lit the candles. dad said to me “my god i am so sorry. this has been the most amazing birthday, hasnt it? you should thank your mother. she’s just the best. i’m so sorry! i never wanted this for you”. and, you know, my coke fuelled mother just screamed her lungs off and gave it right back to him. and my aries dad just yelled right back. and the candles were lit in the dark room and wax was dripping onto my chocolate birthday cake. and i hated chocolate flavoured cake. and i just wanted to run away all day because i knew this was going to happen. and they couldn’t even hold it together for me? or for my 18th? so i just sat there and cried as they screamed at eachother. i blew out the candles and ran into my bedroom and watched vines in my room. the end! :D

7:  Talk about your biggest insecurity. honestly, i don’t have a lot of insecurities. i have a lot of fears, but not insecurities. i guess i’m insecure about my body in certain places. i have a scar from an operation i had when i was 9 and it makes my stomach look chubby, but only on one side? it’s out of proportion and weird. and i have violin hips. 

8:  Talk about the thing you are most proud of. honestly, it’s so simple, but i’m really proud of still being alive. i thought for sure i’d be dead by now

9:  Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. i love my back! it sounds weird, but i have a rly nice waist and my back is sooo soft and smooth and it goes in at the waist and its so nice to touch and look at. and i have really nice and toned legs. and my arms are getting toned now too because my work makes me carry a lot of heavy stuff. and my baby sister is getting bigger and i’m usually the one to hold her. and i have nice hands too. but my favourite thing is my face and hair.

10:  Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. oh god. not going into much detail about this at all because i spend like 3 or 4 years crying about this. it featured: 2 best friends of mine who i had been friends with for 10 years; my crush at the time; random people off the internet i’d never met before. like i said before, i was a 15 year old with a lot going on. maybe that didn’t make it okay for me to be as annoying as i was, but it’s done now. they all got into a skype group chat together without me. and call it paranoia, but i call it intuition. i knew they were all shit talking me. i could tell there was something up for a while now. they all started changing their online profiles to something that very clearly mocked me, they started making posts about me, and posts that were clearly parodies of my posts. and i sort of went along with it because i dont like to stir up much trouble. but the posts just got worse and worse to where it was like ‘you were so weird and creepy’ and calling me names and stuff. honestly, i can’t even remember anymore because i spend a while blocking it out. but it was pretty mean. but it hurt more because there were all the people i was closest to, all saying fucked up shit about me. and then random people who lived in my city who i didnt know. after the fight ended, we never spoke again. but i spend the next 2 years afraid that i would bump into somebody from online in person and they would recognise me, and the whole thing would happen again

11:  Talk about the best dream you've ever had. tbh i dont remember a lot of my dreams. i usually have nightmares anyway? i think i had a dream i could fly and had like magic powers and stuff. i was 8 or something and it was fun. 

12:  Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. after i moved out of my parents house, i had a lot of nightmares about my mum. again, i don’t remember specifics because i tried to block out the memory, but i remember feeling terrified, and then waking up relieved to remember i was out of there. after that, i started smoking weed which meant no dreaming which was good

13:  Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. i haven’t had like..... sex sex yet. i’ve been almost raped a few times? skfsdkjfl that sounds so cringey. but yeah! i dont know though, i imagine i’ll probably be super drunk for my first time. or maybe high. they make me more confident than usual. and for some reason i dont really like the idea of sex when im sober. i don’t think i’d be willing to be vulnerable with someone unless it was in a circumstance like that, maybe. and i’d be sure i wouldn’t have to see them again later on unless i wanted to. that way if i embarrassed myself, it wouldn’t matter. it would just be a terrible memory no one else would ever have to know about. 

14:  Talk about a vacation. i want one of these answers to not be about a fucked up memory of mine but i ...... truly can’t recall something? i guess there was a christmas i had when i was a kid (maybe around 8 or 10) and i’ll leave out the fucked up bits. but i stayed with my mother’s family and my grandmother owned a holiday apartment thing which had a pool and my uncles had horses and i got to see everyone and my uncles were super funny and let me play video games with them.

15:  Talk about the time you were most content in life. there was this period for about ..... 3 months in my last year of high school just before i graduated. all my assignments were over, and my major works were all finished. i was just putting the finishing touches on them. and all i had to do was study for exams. i got into the swing of school. and my friend got her license so she used to drive us places after school and we would hang out and do dumb shit together. i didn’t care what anyone thought of me because i knew i wouldn’t have to see them again in 6 months unless i wanted to. the next time was this few months after i’d just moved out of my parent’s house. probably 4 or 5 months. i had been dreaming of having my own place for like, my entire childhood. and i finally did! and it was with my best friend and this guy i really liked. and all i did was go to uni for a few hours a day. and then that was it! my time was all my own to do whatever i wanted with. i didn’t have a lot of money but i was so so so happy. i used to take myself to the movies. i was in walking distance of a train station and uni. so i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. i just felt so free

16:  Talk about the best party you've ever been to. the first part of my house-warming party was probably the best. i got really drunk, and someone’s mum brought weed so i was reeeeeally drunk and then reeeeeally high. i was dressed in the cutest outfit and a few people were flirting with me. actually, i think i made out with like 3 different people that night. and my friend bought me flowers! which i loved because no one had ever bought me flowers before. and we went to the park and i was so high and drunk and the little swing ride i was on felt like a rollercoaster. 

17:  Talk about someone you want to be friends with. hmmmmm to be honest, i’m trying not to make friends at the moment. i have a lot of other stuff i need to focus on. and having friends only leads to disappointment and heartbreak. i have a few friends i’ve accidentally made, but i’m trying to keep my distance from them so that we’re just ‘friends’ and not ‘good friends’ or anything like that. but secretly, i do love them a lot. 

18:  Talk about something that happened in elementary school. me and my best friend at the time were doing a school play about mary the saint (i went to catholic school). there were 3 of us: me, my best friend, and some guy who didnt have friends so we let him in our group. anyway, i wanted to play mary, but for whatever reason, this dude reeeeeeally fucking wanted to be mary. he started like yelling and stomping and being like “NO! i want to be mary!” and then just as he stomped his foot, a branch from a tree fell right on his head. and, without missing a beat, my friend goes “well, that branch hit you on the head so now you can’t be mary” and i laughed my ass off and he cried 19:  Talk about something that happened in middle school. omg these are all going to be funny stories because why not. so this one time in like 6th grade, we had to use calculators to do some complex maths work. and there was this one calculator that kept fucking up and giving the wrong answers. i  knew enough basic maths at that point to know that the calculator was faulty. anyway so me and my friends gave it to this other kid just to punk him a little right. turns out he didn’t realise it was a broken calculator and he finished his work and handed it in to the teacher, and proceeded to get in trouble sjlfsorerjlksjr

20:  Talk about something that happened in high school. omg so in high school i did this multimedia class. so we would film events like chapels (i went to a christian high school) and assembly, etc. and what we filmed would go on the big screens for everyone to see. kinda like a concert. and anyway, one time this kid got in trouble in front of everyone, and my classmate did this dramatic zoom on our multimedia teacher as he stormed out of the auditorium, dramatically walking out to get the kid in trouble

21:  Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. oh so this one time after i finished school i started going through rough patch #2 and i just needed a friend to talk to. and this guy from school was sort of the only friend who kept checking up on me and inviting me out places. and i liked that. i didn’t always have enough energy to do stuff or talk, because, depression. but i appreciated the fact that he cared. never thought much about it. until one day, we hadn’t spoken for like a month and he tells me suddenly that he has feelings for me. and of course, that’s so sweet and i did love the guy. but i wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship at all. i really just needed a friend. and i felt so terrible

22:  Talk about your worst fear. my worst fear ever? it used to be dying. but i think now it’s just having to go through what i went through again. my worst fear would be being a child again and being at the mercy of others and having to rely on them. my worst fear is trusting people and having them completely fuck you up. again and again. and not being able to do anything about it because you need them. 

23:  Talk about a time someone turned you down. hoo boy. i was 15 and made friends with someone on the internet who turned out to go to my school. developed a crush on him, but he was very gay. i ended up telling him for whatever reason. and that went just about the way you’d think

24:  Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i don’t know. most people don’t know what they’re talking about when they give me advice. and i’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just most people haven’t been through much and not to sound self-pitying but i’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. these are just facts here. so i don’t really believe what people say. i used to have this friend who was and will probably always be the only person who could ever make me laugh. genuinely. it felt like soulmates, but i was like a kid. but we had exactly the same sense of humour, and she was so witty and quick and would always have the best comedic timing. i really admired her and still do. anyway, one time she called me effortlessly funny. and that meant a lot then and still does now. 

25:  Talk about an ex-best friend. i just did, but sure. i’ll keep talking about her because i’m already thinkig of her. i’m pretty sure she was a capricorn rising. she had this really deadpan humour and it was always hilarious. we were friends since we were 4 years old. and i dont think i appreciated it as much as i should have at the time, but we really did grow up together and in each others arms. she was very cool and closed off and serious. and i got to see her funny and silly side. but what was even cooler than that was that i got to know her emotionally. she had a twin, and looking back, i don’t think her twin even saw as much of that as i got to. we used to have talks about anything and everything. you know those people who you can stay up all night laughing with and talking to and it doesn’t even feel like it’s been 10 minutes and all of a sudden the sun is coming up? but it was so effortless and fun and. yeah. it was like that. i still haven’t met anyone like that since. we later had a falling out and i met her again after like a year but we both had our walls up and that’s sort of when i realised how much we really trusted each other. you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone kinda thing. 

26:  Talk about things you do when you're sick. complain. bitch. complain some more. i usually buy nasal spray because having a blocked nose is SO ANNOYING. and otherwise, i don’t mind being sick too much. like obviously it’s not ideal but you do what you can. if i’m truly annoyed with being sick, i just sleep so i don’t have to be awake to deal with it

27:  Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i love girls tummys and waists

28:  Talk about your fetishes. idk i like some light bondage, light choking, a biiiiit very much maybe potentially kinda into rapeplay, and spanking is fun

29:  Talk about what turns you on. most of what turns me on is like dom/sub power dynamics. im into scanarios that have a looooot of sexual build up and tension. it’s pretty much foreplay for me personally. especially if it’s like flirty banter or implications, and dirty talk can be fun if done right. 

30:  Talk about what turns you off. absolutely not into anal at all. complete turn off. not at all into the thing where people get off on girls acting like kids, or people who think fucking someone who is asleep is hot. idk i like most normal shit tbh. anything else is probably weird for a reason

31:  Talk about what you think death is like. i think it’s probably the most painful experience you’ll ever have physically. and then everything goes black and that’s it

32:  Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember my childhood house’s backyard. it was massive and had like a step in the middle where the grass changed levels. there was a swingset with a slide. and for the majority of my childhood my parents were doing renovations, so there were lots of holes in the backyard that we used to dodge. we used to catch lizards and i used to collect bird feathers. and at the very back, right in front of the back fence, my parents planted little trees and chillis

33:  Talk about what you do when you are sad. i immediately find the fastest way to be alone. i immediately listen to music. i drink or smoke or get high on something. or i try to make myself laugh if i’m at work and can’t do either of those things. if i can’t make myself laugh, i try to talk to a customer and pretend to be happy hoping that whatever they have to say will distract me from whatever i’m sad about. 

34:  Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. eugh. every year i somehow get sent to the hospital because i can’t stop vomiting. i dont know how because its always for different reasons. but i always end up puking an excessive amount on an annual basis. the worst pain is when you can’t stop vomiting, so your stomach just cramps and cramps and cramps and you vomit but nothing happens and it just cramps again. it’s literally worse than period cramps. and mine are so bad.

35:  Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. having anxiety. i overthink a lot which doesnt help either. the thing is that i studied psychology, and i still don’t know how to stop myself from being so anxious. like i know how much it affects my work and stuff but i just can’t stop feeling like i’m about to die at any given second.

36:  Talk about your guilty pleasures. drinking, drugs, smoking, im not even guilty about those. idk. to quote niall hora- i mean pink, i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures

37:  Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. an old best friend. different to aforementioned best friend. we were friends for 6 years. not as close as the other one, but close as i’ve been to someone since. we were both depressed and going through stuff and both flirted with each other just for shits and gigs. idk. i think we really only bonded because we were both depressed and suicidal and having someone else around who is going through the same stuff makes everything so much more bearable. once i stopped being depressed i stopped being as close and as in love. but at the time, it was really nice and beautiful, we truly could talk about anything together. i could have opened with “i love being dominated in bed” instead of “hello” and she would have just rolled with it. we used to dream about the future together and hold hands and hug. idk. we used to just hang out together and there was never any pressure to do anything or be anyone. it was just us being our dorky selves.

38:  Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. goodbye stranger by supertramp reminds me of above mentioned friend, two of us by the beatles reminds me of first mentioned best friend, and i love her by the beatles reminds me of this friend group i had for 10 years. princess by shortstack reminds me of this friend i had for a few years who i almost had a thing with because i knew she liked me but neither of us ever said anything. 

39:  Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. i wish i’d have known that it’s not a good or admirable trait to be so open with people so quickly. you shouldn’t immediately show people that you trust them or like them, and you definitely shouldn’t get so excited about things for them. it makes you look naive and they will definitely just use you.  i wish i’d known to get my license earlier i wish i’d have known what weed was like earlier. it really would have helped me out a lot.

40:  Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school was really hard. i know a lot of people hated high school. and i did. but once i got to my final 2 years, i had this confidence that comes with being older in school and it was really nice. i love the routine we had and the forced structure school made you have in your life. i enjoyed mucking around with teachers and that feeling of starting assignments before they’re due. being at school was nice because i mostly kept to myself and was generally well-liked. so i had this big support system that got me through a lot. and school ending meant that the support i had also ended. and then i had nothing and nobody and went through so much and had to be alone for it all. the end of school coincided with the worst period of my life #2, probably because i was at home to experience a lot more.