#but after that horrific experience youre vulnerable and wary of everything

[raykat]

the terrifying ordeal of being the only woman on a shipwrecked freighter

[k-s-morgan]

Hey Katrin, I am on tumblr after a long time and one of the first things I do is checking your blog ! I don't know if this has been recently answered, how strong do you think 's4 dark Will' prediction is ? Initially I was very convinced of Will being sure shot dark at core, and being in an internal turmoil and predicted him going totally evil in s4. But after listening to different opinions and interviews, and some other blogs (which I don't actively follow) I have doubt now, there are open ends if Will has goodness inside him like otherwise why will he go for the murder-suicide at the end. If he was ok with being dark why suicide ?

While it is true he threatened Bedelia which felt like he wants to come back and not die/not kill Hannibal. I see the creators leaving behind very confusing trail of thoughts. Is that just Will being confused or deliberately leaving clue of Will's goodness.

So thoughts like this are bugging me right now ! In a good way because I love thinking. I have a second part but I want you to keep that private please ..

Hello! Ah, thank you so much, it's really great to hear :D And welcome back!

So, there are three possible answers: what I think, what I think Bryan Fuller thinks, and what Bryan Fuller actually thinks.

That Will has some goodness in him is undeniable. Hannibal does, too - apart from Mason, I don't believe anyone in this show is 100% good or 100% evil. Will cares about his dogs and people he can relate to; he shows warmth to those who care about him. Sometimes he feels sympathy to the victims overall and he's primarily interested in killing those who did something bad.

But I don't think this goodness would play any big role in S4 and S5. Will's struggles for all three seasons were with who he was and who he wanted to be. He retreated into his self-constructed shell again and again, and at this point, I think it's enough. He said he Became in TWOTL - it means he embraced who he is. Him and Hannibal living after the Fall means he's ready to start a new life, and to me, it would feel cheap and repetitive if his self-struggles suddenly resumed.

In S3, Will got innocent people killed without blinking just for his own selfishness. He set Chilton up in a horrific way and joked about it later with Bedelia. He conspired with a serial killer who murdered families with children just to stage the escape of another serial killer despite not knowing what he wants to happen next. This decision cost officers their lives, endangered Alana and Margot, endangered Molly and Walter, and many other people. For a character who did all this to suddenly feel like he wants to be good and start fighting his darkness again? I would find it horrible and so extremely hypocritical that I'm not sure I would keep watching. Because it's one thing to be a terrible person and be honest about it, but being bad and trying to pose as good again after everything? I'd explode from frustration :D

As for Will's murder-suicide attempt, I like what Bryan said once: "I think one of the reasons it seemed so organic for Will to go over the cliff with Hannibal at the end was that, in his mind, as he understood the universe in his world, he had peaked. It’s also stopping a monster and stopping himself from becoming a monster, but I think part of him was thinking, “That was beautiful. I don’t think I can do that again and feel as high as I do now.” Everything overwhelmed him and he went over that cliff because there was an apex to his experience, in a way that was poetic and dramatic. ... The kind of suicide where somebody jumps off a bridge, part of them hopes they survive and part of them wants to be over."

Will gave the fate the last chance to stop himself and Hannibal, knowing that if they live, they would be monsters together. He knows there is no way back for him now, that normal life will never work for him, so he's willing to either die or live with Hannibal by his side. He chose pushing them off because it gave them both a good chance to survive (Hannibal told him before that there are no rocks there). If he wanted to protect the world and kill them, he could always shoot Hannibal and then himself. He chose something more poetic and ambiguous.

Bryan called this action of Will his last heroic deed. I wouldn't say it's actually heroic, but I like the overall message. This was the last ambiguously good thing Will did before fully Becoming and accepting his new, free life.

In S4, I expect to see him and Hannibal as a team. I expect some conflicts, but not about Will's darkness because this arc has reached its climax. But what would actually happen? No idea. Bryan's attitude worries me often because he gives different explanations and creates different pictures. There are so many thing he said about dark Will, Hannibal's soulmate, but then he also often tried to justify him and make him look more vulnerable and much better than he is.

So, I believe Will would never struggle with his darkness again; I think, since Bryan is usually consistent in his writing, that he wouldn't make Will suddenly agonize over the same resolved conflict. But what he would do in reality? I don't know, and it's one of the reasons why I'm wary of the potential S4. If I hate something, it's character regression.

[soundoflaughingwind]

Qrow’s Experiences With Trauma

The thing is, the experiences we have with our early caregivers are what shapes our self-worth and ability to form attachments with others. If our parents think badly of us, or if we receive disordered or negligent care as children, it deeply negatively affects us. If a child is demeaned or harshly criticized from a young age, it damages their self-worth. Children construct protective barriers around emotional wounds, and these barriers also work to prevent new attachments, in order to not risk vulnerability.

It’s pretty obvious that Qrow has had his Semblance active from a young age, and that it’s forcibly colored all of his relationships, whether people know about it or not. We know that Qrow has been blamed for bad luck around him ever since his Semblance was unlocked. He was likely forced to keep his distance from the other bandits because of that, and I put forward that this is where his habit of physically distancing himself from others comes from, in order to not ‘infect’ others with his bad luck. He couldn’t please those around him, regardless of his actions, and this pushed him into emotional withdrawal as well as physical.

Qrow’s addiction to alcohol is another symptom of his trauma. Severe childhood trauma is related to an increase in the chances of drug dependency (e.g., alcohol), and alcohol is also connected to and results in social and emotional isolation from friends and family. All of which are things Qrow shows signs of in RWBY.

Qrow probably turned to alcohol young, either as an emotional crutch to numb the hurt of the rejection by other members of his tribe, because it dulled the effects of his Semblance, or because alcoholism was normalized by the bandits. (As a side note, I also theorize that drinking is normalized in parts of Remnant as a way to numb negative emotions and keep from attracting Grimm. Whether this works or not is a matter for debate.) In any case his alcoholism was encouraged/not discouraged by the bandits.

His profession as a spy is another way Qrow maintains both physical and emotional distance. He leaves his family for long periods of time, assuring himself it’s for the best, when what he’s really doing is just enforcing the walls protecting his emotional wounds.

I doubt that Qrow ever had much of a support system outside of his team, and it’s pretty clear that Raven was never really emotionally available. When Summer died, Qrow lost about half his emotional support, and Tai went into a depression, which negated his ability to do the same. Doubtlessly, that whole tragedy and its consequences only exacerbated Qrow’s trauma regarding emotional intimacy.

It’s not that he doesn’t want attachment, it’s clear he wants it desperately, but that he’s terrified to seek it out. So he draws away and self-sabotages with alcohol, as if to prove to himself that he really is a fuckup and then uses his drinking as an additional reason to push people away and keep his walls up. Because he’s terrified of what will happen if he lets those walls down.

The attachment styles people develop in childhood stay with them our entire lives, unless they go through some form of therapy and/or trauma recovery. People with disrupted attachments in childhood are often afraid of genuine closeness. Many prefer detachment to connection because they’re afraid dependency and closeness will only lead to rejection. Because of the circumstances surrounding his Semblance and his childhood, Qrow believes himself unworthy of love and support.

Ozpin acted as someone Qrow trusted, who granted him purpose without getting so emotionally close that Qrow felt the need to automatically drive him away. When Ozpin’s backstory and secrets were revealed, it violated the trust that had been built and caused Qrow to lash out. Qrow took it as a severe emotional betrayal and retreated into his primary coping mechanisms: self-isolation and alcohol. He numbed himself to the betrayal and in doing so numbed himself to everything else going on around him.

In order to change, have to be mature enough to reflect accurately on your behavior and say, “I want to change things.” You have to have to actively choose to seek and accept help. Any interventions people attempted to previously hold for Qrow failed because he was unwilling to allow people past his protective walls, and refused to accept their offers of help.

The Apathy finally helped Qrow realize how deeply fucked up things were. He was supposed to be the adult, supposed to be able to keep the others safe. But when he was most needed, he was sitting in a cellar getting stone drunk. If not for Maria and for Ruby’s Silver Eyes, everyone would have ended up dead, and that hit Qrow really hard.

When Ruby finally confronted him while they were in Argus was what finally pushed him into taking up sobriety, I think. Ruby has been shown to idolize Qrow: she bases her style on his, he taught her how to use a scythe, she obviously adores her uncle. And throughout this season she’s been getting more and more upset at his drunkenness. Her confrontation was the last straw on the camel’s back, what forced him to finally accept exactly how badly his actions were affecting her and the others. Change always has to be a choice. And Qrow finally decided to make that choice.

Dealing with attachment trauma requires consistent, sensitive, and loving behavior from those around you, which Qrow does get, but he also really needed that hard push to knock him out of the rut he’d dug himself into through the years. Of course, Qrow needs to resolve old grief and work out issues on both an emotional and intellectual level if he wants to continue to heal. Deep-seated and longstanding trauma doesn’t just go away, but Qrow is definitely working on pushing himself to be better.

As of V7, I wouldn’t say that Qrow is recovered completely. Trauma doesn’t just disappear, or addiction, or coping mechanism you’ve used your entire life. But Brothers, he’s trying.

Of course, Qrow’s life just can’t be smooth sailing. Clover’s death and Ironwood’s betrayal were basically slaps in the face for him. I think regardless of how you view Qrow’s relationship with Clover, it’s clear that he was hopeful that here was someone his Semblance wouldn’t hurt, and that was shattered with Clover’s death. Qrow also genuinely trusted General Ironwood; he was wary but ultimately trusting, and was insistent that he needed to talk with Ironwood, was convinced that things could be worked out. Ironwood shooting Oscar, though, is unforgivable, and his plan to sacrifice Mantle for the potential safety of Atlas is horrifically calculated and fatally short-sighted.

My worry is that despite his resolution, Qrow will return to his previous behavior. If not going back to drinking, then isolating himself emotionally. In fact, judging by how he acts after Clover is killed, it’s very likely.

[theonetruenorth]

Yours is the light

This fic reads a little bit differently. It doesn’t have a lot of dialogue and some parts of it may seem packed with information. That’s because it started as an ‘extended headcanon post’ sort of thing and then got away from me (and by now this shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me).

It’s my take on the ‘alpha/beta/omega’ universe. But I decided to give it a twist and take some of the A/B/O stereotypes and turn them on their collective heads.

In other words, this is actually as different from the A/B/O trope as I could make it and still get away with calling is an A/B/O fic.

Beta-read by RomanceShipper

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: yours is the darkness of my soul’s return you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars

― E.E. Cummings

The first time Alec questioned his status was when he was ten years old.

Up until that point, he never even had a reason to think about secondary genders and what the consequences of being an alpha, beta, or omega were. He was just a kid. He had no use for the adult stuff when there were so many other more important and interesting things to learn, things like runes and archery and the history of Nephilim.

Then the whole debacle with Preston happened. He thought that everyone would be happy with him for adapting, and finally finding a way to beat the boy at kendo practice, despite Preston being nearly two years older than him. He listened to his mother’s advice and went against his training. Preston’s nose cracked under his shinai as a result.

Preston himself didn’t react badly - other than being embarrassed that the younger kid, whom he used to beat regularly, suddenly managed to kick his ass instead - but oh, Preston’s mother went ballistic. Alec remembered how she shouted at Maryse. She insisted that Alec should be put in his place like ‘the filthy little omega he reeked of’ and that he should be punished for insubordination and hurting her alpha son.

Alec also remembered how Maryse growled at the other woman. There was some vicious exchange of words that he couldn’t hear before Preston’s mother all but ran from the training room with the metaphorical tail between her legs.

Later that evening, when Alec was done cleaning all the weapons in the Institute, as a part of his punishment for going against Hodge’s training (a job he didn’t really mind that much), he asked Maryse about what Preston’s mother had said. Maryse sat him down on his bed and explained to him how the secondary genders worked. She told him about alphas and their dominant personalities. About betas and their hard work and neutrality that helped to keep society balanced.

And she told him about omegas. How they were incredibly rare, especially among boys. How they could carry children if they wanted and how every alpha would be lucky to have them as a partner. She told him that omegas were smart and had sharp, tactical minds, and were born leaders. She told him that nearly every great figure in the history of mankind was a confirmed omega. Alexander the Great or Julius Caesar or Napoleon Bonaparte, to name a few.

Alec didn’t understand why Preston’s mother was so upset with him and in turn, Maryse explained pheromones. How Alec already smelled slightly of omega and that he would probably present soon. Preston’s mother was the type of person who was envious of the gifts that omegas were blessed with.

“There will be people in your life who will treat you like you’re worth less than them, just because of your status,” she told him. “But there will be just as many people who will cherish you for what you are.”

Maryse told Alec, again and again, that what he did with his life was his choice and his alone. He didn’t have to put up with anyone who didn’t respect him if he didn’t want to. The world would be his for the taking. As long as he was dutiful to the Clave and the nephilim’s sacred mission, he could be anyone he wanted to be. The Head of the Institute. The Inquisitor. The Consul. No one would be able to stop him if he truly wished to become a great leader.

Alec could still remember the genuinely proud look in Maryse’s eyes when he presented as an omega a little over a year later.

The life of an omega wasn’t any different than the life of an alpha or a beta.

Ever since presenting, Alec was prescribed heat-blocking shots, just like the alphas. Since he presented so early, he wasn’t allowed to go through a heat until he was fourteen. Only then did the doctor’s at the Institute switch him over to the regular blockers that lasted about six months, allowing a heat to happen twice a year to keep his body healthy.

Heats were a nuisance for Alec. He had to isolate himself from all alphas - except for his parents - and Izzy, who was a beta. Alec always spent his heats away in their house in Alicante for two long, uncomfortable days during which his temperature spiked and he felt like his entire body was itching. Thankfully, as long as there were no alphas around to trigger him further, that was pretty much it. There were no inconvenient erections, no rush of hormones that made him impossibly horny (no more than was normal for a teenager, anyway), and no spontaneous leaking; that particular thought left him mortified. No, all of those things would happen only with a compatible alpha, and Alec had never shared a heat with anyone.

He even had to stay away from Jace, who presented as an alpha just a year after him. He couldn’t risk it. Jace was his brother in every way but blood, but apparently it was the blood that made the difference. His feelings for Jace made everything worse since he was sure that his parabatai would trigger his heat so fast it would make his head spin.

It wasn’t exactly a secret that out of all three secondary genders, it was the alphas who were the strongest, the most aggressive, the most territorial. It was well-known.

It was also completely wrong.

Because of the rarity of omegas, people believed that they were either submissive or neutral, like betas. Not many people were educated on how dangerous a threatened omega could be. Those that were educated?

Their knowledge often came from a personal experience.

The group of boys who cornered Alec in an isolated part of the Institute had the brilliant idea of putting the resident omega on his knees, to see if he would ‘get wet for them like the bitch that he was’. There were five of them. Alec had just hit a growth spurt not so long ago, but he was still only sixteen and they were all older and bigger than him. He didn’t have any weapons on him and was severely outnumbered.

Alec didn’t know he would need weapons in his own home. He had not experienced this kind of behavior before, this kind of degradation and aggression, aimed at him just because of his status as an omega. Polite disinterest was the worst thing that ever happened, not that he minded. It was better than the curious, interested looks he had been receiving for the past couple of months. Izzy had joked about it. She told Alec that it was because he was turning from an ‘awkward turtle into a beautiful swan’, whatever the hell that meant. Alec always rolled his eyes at her, but maybe even that joke had some truth to it. Was that why he was getting harassed now?

It didn’t matter.

The corner of Alec’s lip twitched in an imitation of a smirk, all sharp teeth and disdain. He was not going to give them what they wanted.

When other shadowhunters came running moments later, alarmed by the sounds of fighting, Alec had a broken rib and a black eye, but the five guys were on the ground either unconscious or moaning in pain, all of them looking far worse than Alec. One of them was missing half of his right ear. When Maryse arrived at the scene, Alec greeted her with a red-tinted grin. The blood running down his lips and chin was not his own.

Calming an omega down from a feral episode was not easy, but Maryse was the only alpha Alec yielded to. She coaxed him out of the corner, where he stood to ensure no one attacked his vulnerable back. She led him to the infirmary, where she held an ice pack to his ribs and drew a fresh iratze on his skin.

“I’m so incredibly proud of you, my sweet boy,” Maryse whispered into his hair as he hid his face in the crook of her neck, taking shallow breaths and fighting against the pain that came as the adrenaline rush ebbed away. The red haze of the anger-fight-survive instincts that clouded his mind was receding, chased away by his mother’s tender words and the familiar scent of her perfume. “I’m so proud of how well you fought and how you protected yourself.”

Alec never saw those boys again. He was sure Maryse put the fear of the Angel in them and made them transfer away from New York as soon as they could walk again.

As a general rule, Alec tended to be wary whenever an alpha warlock showed even a little bit of interest in him.

It was a given fact that warlocks were infertile, but what many didn’t realize is that it wasn’t completely true. It wasn’t common, but a male alpha warlock could father a child with an omega female or male, but only of different species, like a Seelie or a werewolf.

Or a Nephilim.

Alec wasn’t aware of this fact until he ran point on a mission to capture and arrest Iris Rouse, a notorious dark magic user. She managed to flee before they got to her, but she escaped in a hurry, leaving her experiments behind.

Her hideout was a thing of nightmares.

Rooms were filled with brainwashed omegas - Seelies, wolves, and even mundanes - some of them in late stages of pregnancy. The entire building reeked of dark magic, misery, and pain. As soon as Alec entered those blasted rooms, he knew that none of the omegas were there of their own free will.

At first, Alec didn’t understand how it was possible. Omegas who went through extreme trauma - physical or emotional - couldn’t conceive. Fertility during heats required a deep emotional bond between partners, and that sure as hell couldn’t happen in that horrific breeding house.

Later, much later, Izzy came to him with lab results. Through the combination of magic, potions, and drugs Iris managed to brainwash her victims into a state similar to heat and even imitated a bond between mated pairs, making sure that the omega’s body didn’t fight the unwanted pregnancy.

She had been kidnapping omegas for months. She had been renting them out like broodmares to alpha warlocks and demons, to create more warlocks. She had done all of this under his nose, in his city. Alec made a promise to himself, and to the rescued omegas and their unborn children, that he would find Iris Rouse and make her pay.

When Clary Fray entered their lives - along with her beta friend, Simon - she brought chaos with her to an extent that he really did not appreciate. She refused to play by the rules. She did whatever the hell she wanted and somehow seemed to pull everyone into her quest to find her mother.

Jace became enamored with her almost immediately, which only added insult to injury. Clary was an alpha, just like Jace, but that didn’t mean much. These days it didn’t matter what your secondary gender was, you could date whoever you wanted. Heck, even his parents were an alpha pair, which wasn’t something that would have happened forty or fifty years ago.

Clary didn’t know how to act around omegas. Alec very much enjoyed putting her in her place after the first time she tried to order and intimidate him, under the utterly foolish impression that he would yield to her.

Alec had never yielded to anyone but his mother in his entire life. Even the Clave officials have never seen a submission from him, only polite manners and professionalism that he used with everyone.

But then...then Clary led them to Magnus Bane.

All the silly romance movies Izzy had made him watch could not have prepared him for the lightning that struck when he saw Magnus clearly for the first time, after fighting those Circle members together.

He felt numb and buzzed with restless energy at the same time, as if he had an electric current pulsing underneath his skin. The apartment smelled of battle and blood and magic, but beneath that Alec could detect other, subtler scents. Something wild and primal that he couldn’t describe. It smelled like the air after a thunderstorm, like ozone and wet dirt. Like cedar and rosemary and woodsmoke, all wrapped up in one alluring package.

“I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced,” Magnus said to him, and Alec forgot how to breathe. He could only stare at the most gorgeous man - an alpha - he had seen in his life. He barely managed to choke out his own name. He was torn between the desperate need to stay, to keep the warlock in his sight, and the need to run away and hide in the embarrassed of his own incoherent mumbling.

But of course, everything went to shit quickly when he screwed up during the summoning of the memory demon. Magnus tried to comfort him afterward, saying that he had nothing to be ashamed of. His voice was low and it sent a shiver down Alec’s spine. He could still remember the jolt of energy that jumped between their hands as they’d touched for the first time, just moments before. Alec could still feel it buzzing underneath his skin, like a phantom caress of invisible fingers. From the look Magnus was giving him, Alec was sure the alpha felt it too.

He agreed to go out on a date.

Alec still didn’t know what possessed him to say yes. Maybe it was the way Magnus trembled in his arms while Alec held him up and shared his strength as he healed Luke. Maybe it was the vulnerable look Magnus gave him afterward. Or maybe it was the fact that Magnus had seen him as an equal, someone worthy of asking for help.

Alec didn’t understand it. Never in his life had he felt this kind of attraction to anyone, ever. It was like some stupid, primal part of him woke up and reared its head every time Magnus appeared in his sights. Like the part that made him an omega suddenly longed for an alpha like it never did before.

He didn’t like it.

He wasn’t ashamed of being an omega, no matter how some people resented him for his secondary gender. But he didn’t like to feel as if he was missing something. He didn’t like to feel incomplete without an alpha to fill that empty space inside of him.

And yet, whenever he was near Magnus or heard his voice, his heart resonated with such intense longing that it made his breath catch.

So Alec did the only thing he knew he could do. He talked to his mother.

He didn’t tell her that it was a warlock who caused such a strong reaction in him. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what his mother thought of Downworlders. He told her about the conflicting feelings, about the sudden yearning he couldn’t explain. He wasn’t afraid of telling her that the alpha who made him feel that way was a man. Thankfully, the gender of your mate wasn’t an issue when you were an omega capable of carrying children either way.

“Oh, Alec,” Maryse sighed as she raised her hand and touched his cheek gently as they sat together on the couch in her office, “it sounds to me like you found your mate.”

And wasn’t that a terrifying prospect.

“Just like that? I don’t even know him. I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with him?”

Which wasn’t entirely true, Alec knew. There was no such thing as fated pairs, even though the romance flicks liked to overuse the trope. Each person had many possibilities of mates they could meet at any point in their lives. Furthermore, all relationships required work and patience, not just fate. Finding a possible mate did not mean that Alec had to tie himself to them indefinitely. People fall in and out of love all the time, and mating did not have to mean life-long commitment. Mating bonds could be broken and forged anew with different people at any given time.

“You’re not supposed to do anything but find out if he’s your match,” Maryse told him fiercely. “No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. This is your life, Alec, and only you can decide what makes you happy.”

And so he did.

They went on dates.

Alec was apprehensive at first. Magnus was an alpha warlock, and that always lit up a warning light in him due to the Iris Rouse case, which was still open. What could Magnus - beautiful, powerful Magnus - want with a plain, boring shadowhunter like himself? The fact that he was an omega had to play some important part in all of this. The fact that he could carry children for a warlock had to mean something.

And yet, during the dates they went on he couldn’t help but find himself falling more and more for Magnus. The alpha was a perfect gentleman, not pushing him any further than he was comfortable with, and always careful of not invading Alec’s personal space.

“I lived in times where an omega was considered property of an alpha,” Magnus told him one evening, “and I think it was one of the darkest parts of history. If I ever start acting like a caveman, feel free to shoot me full of arrows.”

It was a little over a month of dating - that no one except for Izzy and Jace knew about - that he kissed Magnus for the first time.

They were saying goodbye after a date night, which started at a Greek restaurant and ended with drinks at Magnus’ place. Magnus was just about to open a portal that would take Alec back to the Institute when Alec gently grasped his elbow, backed Magnus against a wall and kissed him. It was not fast and sudden. No, he had given Magnus enough time to stop him, but the warlock merely tilted his head up into the kiss.

It was Alec’s first kiss. It started out a little hesitantly, a little clumsily, and very much without finesse, but what he lacked in experience he made up in enthusiasm. His body was crowding Magnus’ against the wall, which the alpha didn’t mind much, at first. Then he pulled Alec close by circling his waist, bit gently at Alec’s lower lip and took over the kiss, dominating it completely and utterly. Alec all but melted against him and the empty, burning void inside of him started aching a little less.

Alec chose to spend his next heat in Alicante once more, not ready to share a heat with Magnus when they still had not even seen each other naked. It was rougher than usual, if only because his mind kept circling back to Magnus over and over again, making him more aroused than he was comfortable with. He was insanely grateful that heats spent in isolation lasted only two days.

He hoped that by the time his next heat came, in another six months, he would be ready to share it with Magnus.

“A warlock, Alec? Really?!”

His mother’s voice was loud and somewhat shrill, the disbelief ringing clear across every word. It grated on his nerves, made his hackles rise and buzz underneath his skin like an itch he could not scratch.

Lately, everything he did was met with some kind of disapproval, but he didn’t have time for this. Hodge had betrayed them. Jace was missing and still in Valentine’s grasp. And, while his parents played politics in Idris, trying to smooth things out with the Clave, Alec had been desperately trying to get his parabatai back.

Then, of course, things had to get worse. Maryse came back to New York two days prior and someone had already reported to her that Alec and Magnus had been dating for months. How they found out, Alec had no idea. Although, it was bound to be revealed sooner or later, especially since Alec did not intend to let Magnus go anytime soon.

“You know how alpha warlocks are,” Maryse hissed, venom dripping from her words, “they only want one thing from omegas like you! You can give them something they otherwise can’t have and I can’t believe you would fall for Bane’s deception. You’re going to drag the Lightwood name through the mud for him?”

“There isn’t a lot of good reputation to our name left, Mother, and that is your fault, not mine,” Alec spat out, trying to keep his anger reigned in, feeling it rise inside of him, wave after dangerous wave. “I don’t have the time for this. Jace is still gone, Aldertree is making our work more difficult than it should be, and I don’t have to justify myself to you.”

“I didn’t raise you to be some warlocks whore!” Maryse grabbed his shoulder when he turned around to leave and that was it, the fragile control he had over his own emotions snapped at the sound of her authoritative tone.

“ENOUGH!” Alec growled at her as he spun around and grabbed her by the wrist, yanking the offending hand away from his shoulder. She took an instinctive step back and, through the red haze of fury, Alec noticed how her eyes went wide, how a brief expression of fear flashed through her face. It brought him grim sense of satisfaction, knowing she didn’t expect his outburst. Alec wasn’t prone to anger often and never, ever, had he turned that anger on her.

Not until now.

“You once told me that no one has the right to tell me how to live my life,” Alec hissed, his tone low and husky, and with a hint of steel underneath his words. “That no one can tell me how to achieve my own happiness, or who I should tie myself to, as long as it was my choice. Well, this is my choice and you don’t get to have a say in it. I will not allow you to talk about Magnus that way. Not now, not ever. If he’s a mistake - which I highly doubt - he will be my mistake. You don’t have the right to interfere. You are my mother, but you’re not my alpha. Not anymore. Do I make myself clear?”

Alec watched her process this, her face turning more pale. When she didn’t reply, he squeezed her wrist a little more. She was probably going to have bruises. Alec would feel guilty about them later, but at this very point he could not bring himself to care.

“I said, is that clear?”

“Yes,” she finally said and he released her, but to her credit she didn’t move away, didn’t step back away from him. “Oh, Alec…”

She reached out to him, both hands raising to his face and he resisted the urge to flinch. He wasn’t sure what she was playing at, but he wasn’t about to yield to her. He wasn’t lying when he said she was not his alpha anymore. There was only one he would yield to now, and that was not his mother.

Maryse cradled his face between her hands, gently and cautiously, her eyes softening a little as she took in the hardened expression on his face. The narrowed eyes shining with suspicion, and anger boiling inside of him, ready to burn her. He was still and unmoving and towering over her, ready to snap at any further provocation. Alec was half-feral and in protective mode. And an angered or threatened omega was dangerous.

But he was still her son, and she was the one responsible for putting him in this state.

“Magnus is the one you told me about,” Maryse said, sudden understanding in her voice. She was running her thumbs soothingly down Alec’s sharp cheekbones, hoping that the familiar gesture would help calm him down. “Easy now, easy. I didn’t mean to make you so angry.” Her soft whispers eased some of the tension from Alec’s shoulders, just like they always did when she brought him down from the adrenaline rush that triggered feral episodes. “I’m so sorry, my sweet boy. I didn’t understand. I know now that he’s your mate.”

Alec closed his eyes and shivered, thinking about Magnus. His loving eyes and soothing scent and reverent touch. He had never put a label on their relationship, but his mother was not wrong. The intense, painful longing he felt whenever they were apart, the elation that filled him to the brim whenever he was near the older man, when he could breathe in his scent, touch his warm skin. It all sounded like an incomplete bond.

And Magnus...

Magnus was his mate.

Alec turned his head to nuzzle deeper into the pillow and desperately tried to forget about the disaster of an evening they’d just had. Max’s party had been a failure due to the spell that was cast over all of them. Because of Alec’s overwhelming guilt over Jocelyn's death, elevated by the spell, he’d nearly thrown himself over Magnus’ balcony. He didn’t do it, but it was close. The only thing that stopped him, seconds before it was too late, was the faint, barely-there scent he caught in Magnus’ apartment.

The memory of it was stuck in his head. His mind snapped out of the spell’s hold as soon as he caught trace of it. It was a scent he could never forget. A bizarre mix of tulips, ginger root, and dust. He would forever associate this scent with the stench of terror and pain and suffering.

He ran through the apartment trying to locate the source. His frantic behavior must have been enough to alarm the others. Magnus tried to get his attention, to calm him down, but it wasn’t working. Alec seemed to be focused only on his task, hell-bent on finding the threat and eliminating it.

How dare she? How could she come into this apartment, into their territory, and hide away like a coward? Just the faintest trace of her scent was enough to make Alec’s hackles rise and his skin crawl. This time she was not going to get away from him.

He found her in Magnus’ bedroom, disguised in the form of a cat. Alec rushed at her, but she shifted into human form just in time to cast a spell that pushed him back.

Iris Rouse.

What happened afterward, Alec wasn’t sure. He couldn’t remember most of it. He’d been immobilized with magic for half of the fight and then blinded with rage for the rest of it. He knew that Magnus fought Iris and trapped her in his own spell. He knew that Jace had to hold Alec down to keep him away from tearing into Iris with his bare hands. He would have. He would have choked the life out of her there on the spot if he only had a chance. But now she was in Idris, awaiting the Clave’s judgment.

And he was here, in Magnus’ bed hiding his face in a soft pillow, trying to muffle the world around him. He wasn’t running high on adrenaline anymore, but his body hadn’t gotten the memo. Every muscle in his body was tense and he was ready to fight, even though his brain already knew there was nothing more to be done.

He didn’t flinch when he felt the bed dip next to him. Then Magnus was there, lying down next to Alec, his arm coming around Alec’s shoulders to hold him close.

“She’s gone, Alec. You can rest now.”

Alec made a wounded, angry sound and abandoned his pillow, choosing to hide his face away in the crook of Magnus’ neck instead. The warlock’s scent there was strong, easing his mind a little, filling his lungs as he took in shaky breaths.

“The things she did to those omegas,” Alec rasped out, trying desperately not to think back to the horrors of Iris’ experiments and failing. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Iris’ victims. He couldn’t stop his mind from going in circles and wondering what stroke of luck had spared him from the same fate, from being bound and broken and violated in a way you couldn’t ever recover from, not really. As a male omega, he would have been an attractive target for Iris, if she only knew of his existence. “I could have killed her. I will kill her if I ever see her again.”

“She’s going to pay for what she’s done,” Magnus whispered as he ran his fingers through Alec’s black hair in an attempt to calm him down. Alec’s scent filled the air between them. It was sour, unhappy, and that put Magnus on edge as well. “And you are the one who figured out she was here in the first place. You caught an intruder in my lair.” Magnus paused for a moment. “In our lair. You did good, love.”

Their lair. That sounded… nice. A space that they could share as one territory, theirs to protect. To nest in. It was something that usually only happened between mated pairs and Alec couldn’t help the warm, happy feeling that bloomed deep in his chest.

They took their relationship to the next level not long after that since Alec didn’t want his first time to happen in the middle of his heat. He didn’t want the rush of hormones and haze of lust to cloud the experience.

And oh, it was definitely an experience. Alec grew up thinking he would always be alone since he never showed interest in any alpha, but this? This was something else. Magnus worshipped his body, taught him the wonders of shared intimacy that were just on the razor edge of being overwhelming.

Alec let himself fall, knowing that Magnus would be there to catch him.

“Your mother and I always had a complicated relationship.”

Alec snorted in disbelief, not lifting his eye from the tablet in his hand as he scanned over the latest report from the previous night’s patrol. The group had not encountered anything out of the ordinary, which gave Alec hope that things might finally be leveling out, even just a little bit. Valentine was in custody and most of his followers were scattered. The Clave had acknowledged his leadership in the battle, thankfully disregarding Alec's rebellion against Aldertree.

Everything led up to this moment. Discovering Izzy’s addiction. Taking back control of the Institute. The battle. Confronting Valentine and his shadowhunters. And now the Clave had named him Head of the Institute. This was what he had been aiming for ever since he was a child.

“It’s not complicated.” Alec put down the tablet after signing off on the report, sending it to be archived. He finally looked up at his father, sitting on one of the sofas in his office. His office. It still blew his mind. “You cheated on her.”

“I made a mistake,” Robert said, looking down for a moment before shifting his gaze to Alec once more. “I never meant to hurt you, any of you. But I fell in love. You of all people should know what that’s like.”

“Magnus isn’t an affair!” Alec growled, slamming an open palm down on the desk, the sudden loud thump making Robert twitch in response. “I won’t allow you to disrespect him. He is my mate. And mom was yours. Until you decided to throw it all away.”

They were silent for a minute. Alec closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to control his feelings. Ever since realizing what Magnus meant to him, his emotions were all over the place. Logically, he knew it was a period of adjustment that he needed to get through. The fierce protectiveness over his mate would ease away in time, but until then he was ready to go to war for Magnus, even against his own father.

“I can understand falling for someone else,” Alec finally said. “People fall in and out of love all the time. That’s just how life is. You don’t have to stay with your mate for the rest of your days.” He looked at his father and saw the tiniest flicker of hope in his eyes, a hope for reconciliation.

He was about to crush that hope, hard, and didn’t feel any remorse.

“But going behind Mom’s back, continuing your affair? That’s what I can’t forgive. You should have ended things with Mom before you started seeing someone else. But now you’re not being truthful to either of them. You’re just another alpha being led around by his knot.”

“Alec!” Robert’s expression turned angry and he stood up from his seat, his entire body one tense line. “I won’t allow you to talk to me like that!”

“Why?” Alec asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because I am an omega? So is your mistress, remember?”

“Because you’re my son! You will show me some respect.”

“Respect is earned, Dad.” Alec hissed, narrowing his eyes. He remained seated behind his desk, anger churning inside of him freely, but it was the icy-cold kind of fury that washed over him with a false sense of tranquility. He did not need to shout or get angry to get his point across. “It’s also as easily lost, and you lost all respect I had for you when you chose to hurt your family. Mom was your mate for over twenty years - she deserved more than being cheated on and made into the new hot gossip of Idris.”

“Alec, you don’t have the right to--”

“I have every right,” Alec interrupted him, his voice low and dangerous. Robert’s eyes widened when he realized that he was stepping on thin ice now. “Out of the two of you, it was Mom who was my alpha. It was never you. She was my alpha and you broke her heart.”

Alec had hurt people for less.

“Unless it’s official business, we have nothing more to talk about.” Alec picked up his previously discarded tablet and turned it on. “Not until you fix your own mess. Now, I have the Institute to run. I trust you can let yourself out.”

“Alec…” Robert’s voice was quiet and defeated now, but Alec wasn’t looking at him any more.

“You can go,” Alec said and sighed with relief when Robert left his office without a word.

“Are you nervous?”

Magnus’ breath washed over the heated skin of his forehead and Alec closed his eyes as he shivered, half in anticipation and half in fear.

“Yes,” he finally admitted, his voice shaky, “I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”

Which wasn’t entirely true. Alec had academic knowledge of how heats should go, he wasn’t going into it blind. He knew that his heat would last from two to four days, during which his temperature would spike and, if a compatible alpha was near, he would experience a heightened state of arousal. Not enough to make his crazy with it (no matter how online porn liked to pretend that omegas in heat turned into knot-obsessed slaves that alphas could do anything with) but enough to make things very uncomfortable if he didn’t have sex. His pheromones would, in turn, trigger an alpha into a rut so that they could go through their heats together.

It all sounded very… clinical. Alec wasn’t sure how he felt about the aspects of his biology that only happened during heats. He wasn’t looking forward to experiencing the feeling of producing his own slick or having Magnus knot him - something he was pretty sure was going to hurt, at least at first.

He tried to approach it like a battle for which he could plan ahead. He scheduled himself a week off work, just in case this first heat went for longer than usual, which wasn’t uncommon. He left his siblings in charge and threatened them with bodily harm if they disturbed them for any reason, save for the apocalypse dropping on their heads or Raziel himself demanding his attention.

He also made sure his contraceptive shot was still active since he had no intention of having a child anytime soon. Alec had been wary of admitting this to Magnus, but the warlock only smiled, told Alec that it was his decision and he had all the time in the world to wait and see if he changed his mind one day.

So, all in all, Alec felt like he was ready.

Despite all this knowledge, despite all the facts he had researched and learned about, nothing could have prepared him for actually feeling the effects of the heat. The hot rush of pure want that filled him as they laid on the bed together touching and kissing, the need building up like an inferno, making Alec’s skin feel like it was on fire. The fabric of his clothes seemed like a branding iron, scalding and hurting, and he whined in the back of his throat at the uncomfortable feeling.

“You don’t need to be scared,” Magnus said, kissing Alec in between sentences. Pressing small, brief kisses over his lips, the bridge of his nose, his closed eyelids. “I’ll take care of you.”

“I know,” Alec panted, squirming a little until he could reach to strip off his shirt and then yanked Magnus’ own tunic off his body, relishing in the way cool air hit his overheated skin, “I trust you.”

That was what this was. For over a decade, he'd spent his heats alone, in isolation from the outside world. Now he had finally found someone who he trusted with his life, with his body. Someone who would stay with him when he was the most vulnerable.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered as the warlock shifted them around until Alec ended up on his back, Magnus nestled in between his legs. They were both hard. Alec shivered.

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked, pressing their foreheads together. One of his hands settled over Alec’s sternum, feeling his heart beating wildly inside of his chest like a bird caught in a cage.

“Hot,” Alec panted. “Too hot. Is it… is it always like this?”

“Yes, but it will get better. It’s just the first rush. It will ease soon.” Magnus kissed him again slowly, possessively, owning Alec’s mouth and Alec surrendered with the sweetest sigh.

“Can you feel it?” Alec asked after a moment, gripping onto Magnus’ hair with trembling fingers as the warlock mouthed at his neck, covering it in his marks. “The bond?”

Magnus made an affirmative noise and Alec closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling. The beginning of a bond thrumming between them. He had felt it for the last couple of months, but it would only be complete with a shared heat. Alec was more than ready to take the leap, to tie himself to this wonderful, brilliant man who turned out to be his shining star, his beacon towards which he had been gravitating his entire life.

Alec allowed himself to fall apart, trusting Magnus to put him back together. To gather all his broken pieces and make him whole again, until Alec felt brand new and loved and complete.

[cyborg--sevalle]

Hey everyone. For anyone wondering where I’ve been or what’s been happening with me, I’m going to put an explanation under the cut. I have some commentary on these experiences to go along with it which is strictly intra-trans lesbian, so for that reason, do not read unless you yourself are a trans lesbian, thank you.

Tw: a lot of things, I don’t really have the energy or means to specify

So, a lot has happened to me over these past few months. As some people know I was kicked out of the house I had been living in for the past year, and as a result my girlfriend and I almost wound up homeless during one of the most extremely cold winters in the state’s history.

On top of that, because I use state insurance, I can not have my hormones mailed to me, and since my only means of transportation was through the people I used to live with, and because the nearest pharmacy that carries them is restrictively far away, I’ve been off HRT since Nov, and due to complications I was unable to get my passport info changed before the inauguration, so needless to say my transition has more or less halted for the time being, which has been incredibly difficult to cope with physically, mentally, and emotionally.

However, what has kept me offline and isolated even from my closest circle of friends is the fact that back in December, I was sexually assaulted. What makes this especially traumatic was that it was by another trans woman, and furthermore it was done by taking advantage of my dedication toward providing safety and comfort to other trans women.

As anyone who has talked with me at length about praxis can tell you, I have long tried to develop a practice of healing in order to counterbalance what I consider a call to politically weaponize trans women, something which I consider unsustainable, especially without some women willing to play the role of healers and nurturers to help keep those who choose to fight going.

I was called to this person’s house because they felt if they were left alone, they would attempt suicide, and so I offered to stay with them until we could connect them with the necessary aid services to help them through their crisis, but since it was late, I ended up staying the night, intending to go with them to seek help the next morning.

However, at some point in the night, they asked me to come lie down with them, because they didn’t want to be alone, which I consented to, but shortly after that, they began explaining to me in graphic detail how they intended to kill themselves if they went through with it, and then they began engaging physical contact with me that I was not comfortable with, but when I attempted to address this, they essentially told me that if I did not consent to sex with them, they would likely kill themselves.

So, I “consented”, but it was in no way a willing consent, and I have struggled to put a name to it, but the fact is that the consent was coerced, essentially holding themself hostage, knowing I couldn’t say no if the terms were laid out as such, and so I have no other words for what happened except coercive sexual assault. I haven’t talked about this at all because I frankly couldn’t believe it until I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and talked through it with my girlfriend, and I was finally able to call this what it is.

Alongside this, as a result of the election, I had made an effort to try to build more connections with other trans women in preparation for the impendingly bleak political climate. What I got in return was a deluge of unsolicited attempts to engage me in sexual contact. I am a CSA survivor, something I have been very open about on this blog, so anyone who has followed me for more than, like, a month should know that, and thus should at least have some sense of how it affects my ability to navigate sexual situations.

Despite this, even when expressing my discomfort, it only keeps it at bay for a very brief time before I’m again inundated with unsolicited nudes and requests to sext/roleplay. I shouldn’t have to assert this, but if you have not invested in someone enough to learn and respect their comfort levels wrt sexual interaction, you certainly are not invested enough to be attempting to engage with them in that sort of manner, especially w/o prior consent.

So now, everytime I think about hopping on Skype, or Discord, or Tumblr, I feel like I’m going to vomit, because somehow I, a hardly d-list trans tumblogger, have somehow presented myself in a way that makes other trans women believe they are entitled to me sexually. To make matters worse, it’s also frequently justified by appealing to my expressed desire to be open and helpful and supportive of other trans women, but that doesn’t mean you can just demand access to my body or my sexuality because it is in some way helpful or reaffirming.

Now, in my heart of hearts, and likely I am naive in feeling this way, but I want to believe this has all been done out of desperation, rather than malice, on the part of those responsible because we are all profoundly hurting, and sometimes, when people hurt, they will justify to themselves hurting others if it alleviates some of that unbearable pain, but there are better alternatives to what is a horrific trend I have long observed from the outside which I have now been dragged into.

This is where I switch to discourse mode, because discoursing is what I do to channel pain and trauma, it’s why I was going off about anything and everything despite not talking to my friends in private these past few months, because when I hurt, I talk about shit in an analytical fashion in an attempt to distance myself from it emotionally.

We are a community of women who are frequently made to feel ugly, disgusting, and worthless, and for many of us, myself included, one of the best ways to work through a lot of that is sex. However, for some there seems to be this assumption that, because of this shared experience, that trans women are entitled to other trans women’s bodies, or that there is some sort of moral impetus for us to make our bodies available to each other, and I shouldn’t need to explain why that is profoundly misguided, but here we are.

We constantly pass around memes which tell us we are valid, that our desire for other trans women is not predatory or creepy, but what we should be clarifying is that that desire is not inherently so, because some seem to have taken this to mean that trans women’s desire for other trans women can’t be so. Suffice to say, if you are using the threat of suicide in order to coerce another trans woman to have sex with you, that is creepy, and it is absolutely predatory. Regardless of whatever emotional suffering you are going through, it is not the job of other trans women to lay themselves out for you so you can use them to work out your own miseries and pains.

As both a csa survivor and a psychotic, I’ve had to learn that frequently you need to seek out people with both relatable trauma and also coping mechanisms which are compatible with yours. If exchanging nudes helps you cope, exchange them with someone who copes in the same way. If you fuck to cope, find someone else who does the same and (once you have their enthusiastic consent) fuck them. But don’t drag people for whom sex is a complicated thing that requires disclosure and negotiation into your coping strategy, leaving you fulfilled but them devastated in the process.

Frankly, we all need to work on finding ways we can relate intimately that don’t eventually default to talking about our sex lives. I love to talk about the games/anime I watch/play, followed by poltics and theory shit with magick and occult shit close behind, then probably food, and then maybe sex, but in interacting almost exclusively with other trans women, I find that order literally reversed, so like, I was tired of talking about how other trans women fuck even before this happened, but frequently it’s the only thing a lot of us seem to want to talk about with each other, and again, this comes from the frequently violent suppression of our sexualities, but like, invest in people first before you start going off about what your fetishes are, or how you masturbate, because for some people, that’s not shit we want to hear from people who we aren’t intimately involved with.

Finally, and this is something I’ve said for a while, we really need to dispel this notion that, like, every other trans woman is automatically worthy of your trust. Like, I’m pushing 30 now, by several metrics I’m passed my sell-by date, so please listen to me when I say this. Other trans women may share your experiences, they’ll likely be capable of a nuanced understanding of your struggles, and they may be able to offer a deep and abiding connection you can’t get from people outside of these experiences, but never forget every trans woman is an individual.

Some of us go through all the shit that tends to happen to girls like us and we come out with hearts of gold, others go through it and turn into twisted, conniving, and manipulative people, just like any other population of people. As trans women we are vulnerable, and we need to be able to turn to each other for help and support, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be vigilant in looking out for ourselves and being wary of others because anyone can prey on that vulnerability, man or woman, cis or trans, and we need to be able to admit that that danger exists, and develop reasonable ways of protecting ourselves, rather than existing in the extremes of innocent and all-trusting or jaded and isolated.

All that being said, I don’t know if this means I’ll be coming back to Tumblr anytime soon. I need to first work on reconnecting with partners and close friends whose lives I disappeared from as a result of all this. If you’ve read this far (and assuming you aren’t a non-tw who ignored the request at the beginning of this post) thank you for reading, and I hope that any of this gets through because this is something I’ve seen happen in this community time and time again, and wasn’t able to understand why until it happened to me. We need to be better to each other, now more than ever.

[crovnprince]

cont. from here !!

@suckershq:

Rick just quietly held her as she sobbed horrifically hard against his bare, broad and hard chest, while a worried expression creased his features. His arms were hugging around her tightly and one of his hands had gone upwards to pet her hair. He was trying to physically comfort her and when that didn’t work after a few moments, he then spoke out in a very firm, louder and controlled tone of voice, using the same words he had uttered much earlier.  “Wake up! Get a hold of yourself, Olivia. It’s just a nightmare. It’s not real!” his voice sounded commanding but at the same time, there was a calming undertone to it, and his arms were still wrapped around her upper torso. One of the methods he had learned throughout his many years in the medical field about trying to calm someone down or bring them out of their hysterics was to be source of physical calmness and strength to try to anchor them back to sober reality again and that sometimes being commanding, strict and direct could potentially help them snap out of it, if his voice could manage to pierce through their currently chaotic mind.

This wasn’t some normal nightmare. Although this situation wasn’t really his field of expertise, being as successful as he was currently in his career, meant that he had seen and had a bit of experience in many different types of situations or patient scenarios, which would most of the time, not be in his main field. So he could hazard a few potential guesses as to what was currently happening to Olivia and what her current state was psychologically. He was genuinely worried about what could probably be causing Olivia to be having this current breakdown and he wondered too, if this happened very often to her.

He was a bit surprised when she very abruptly drew quite far away from him, a few moments after she seemed to have finally calmed down fully. He frowned a little. It wasn’t going to help her at all, if she wanted to keep hiding away her problems. He moved forward towards her on the bed, before holding both of her thin shoulders with both of his large and warm hands. “No, you shouldn’t be sorry,”he told he firmly in his natural deep tone of voice and gazing sternly at eyes. After a moment, his expression relaxed a little, before he continued speaking,” We’re somewhat –’friends’ after all, aren’t we?” he gave a half-bemused grin. “So if you like, you can vent or let it all out to me. Tell me what happened, Olivia.” he said in a more soothing tone of voice. “And after nearly giving me a heart attack of a wake-up call with bloodcurdling screams and almost falling off my own comfortable bed, I at least deserve an explanation,no?” he asked teasingly, a familiar cheerful light re-entering his dark eyes a bit.

The tears that were streaming down her face, she was trying so hard to stop as she frantically apologised to the male for the trouble and the sight that had just unfolded before him. “I’m sorry. You really don’t have to see this. You shouldn’t– I shouldn’t be wasting your time like this. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” And she just kept apologising as she buried her head into her hands. Hands digging deep into her eye as if by doing so her eyes would stop swelling with tears. Olivia was afraid to confine in the other. These dreams– that she has been having– have longed plagued her since she was young; They weren’t usually this bad. More often then not, she doesn’t remember what they clearly showed. She only remember them bring the feeling of doom, dread and fear and the fragments and flashes of her past she didn’t wish to remember. “It’s... This... I...” It was hard to pinpoint exactly where to start or how it all begin. She has been haunted by these dreams for as long as she could possibly remember. Once it had gotten so bad, she feared the slumber that was suppose to bring her rest because all she could see when she shut her eyes were the images of the abuse she had gone through from parents to lovers to the disappearance of her sister and how helpless she was to instances where everyone saw through her facade. “I... I don’t know.” was all she managed to pull out of her own throat, raw and dry from all the screaming she did, as she pulled her knees closer to herself, hugging onto them as if they were the only thing that could keep her safe. “I want to vent. I want to let it out, Rick.” She mumbled, head still buried firmly in her hands as she tried her best not to let her voice crack anymore. She was vulnerable enough as it is. There was no need for more of her showing how weak and screwed up she was. “But how do you do that when you don’t even know what is wrong?” There was too many issues in her short span of life, too many for her to pinpoint exactly when that caused her to become like this; to become so guarded and wary of the people around her while craving a love that she felt she didn’t deserve and couldn’t feel.

When she finally lifted her head up to look at the other, her eyes were red and swollen in a dazed state that made her look like she wasn’t in this world where her body was. As if she was in front of him but she wasn’t all at the same time. She saw the glint of joy in his eyes, despite how dark the room of and for a brief moment, she was distracted by them and forgot about the torture that her slumber had bought her. “You’re more charming when you’re joking around, you know that?” She mumbled dreamily at the other, head turned towards him. Her hands wanting to touch the other’s face but that was where she drew the line because they weren’t more than people seeking out pleasure from each other in the form of sex. It was then that it hit her: She couldn’t tell him everything. There was too much at risk. She could lose her job if they didn’t think she was stable enough for it. People in the hospital they worked at could find out about it. Everyone would know what she really was under the facade she had build for herself to keep herself safe but she didn’t say that. She just offered him a weak smile and a sincerely whispered thank you.