#but after seeing how much they sell for online I’ll let them go for the right price

[geocyclist]

Marketplace find of the week: two Otis Elevator Co. storage cabinets in pretty good shape. The brass handles are a nice touch.

Made by Livingston & Co. in Philadelphia, I wonder what their original use was? My theory is that they were accessories to elevators and held spare parts and maintenance items.

A couple of dents ands bent spots were repaired and now they sit flat and the doors close smoothly!

Swivel pad C-clamp locking pliers are a lifesaver when working with sheet metal.

[starlostseungmin]

husband!felix

✰ notes: felix is finally here !! hyunjin will be posted soon. not proofread. DO NOT FORGET TO REBLOG, COMMENT AND LEAVE TAGS! thank you <33

seungmin , chan , lee know , jeongin , han , changbin（ felix ）hyunjin.

ꔛ

Husband Felix who proposed like this [ read here. ]

Husband Felix who is the sunshine of your rainy days, an angel sent to love and make you happy, and has the sweetest smile of all. 

Husband Felix who loves to bake your favorite pastries every weekend. You’d try to help but he keeps you out of the kitchen just to surprise you with what he made (sometimes they’re burnt) but he is a good cook anyway. 

Husband Felix whose freckles you love to trace with your fingers while he’s asleep and you’d tell him how much you love them, “They’re like constellations.” with a smile on your face. He gets shy after that. 

Husband Felix who cries every time you do movie marathons because he gets swayed easily by the plot, especially melodramas.  

Husband Felix who always wanted a golden retriever puppy and begged you to adopt one, but you told him you already have Seungmin at the dorms. 

Husband Felix who lets you win every time you play video games with him and gets loud when he loses at uno. Thanks to Chan. 

Husband Felix who gives you flowers when you go on dates because it makes him think of you and would say you are as pretty as them. 

Husband Felix whose ideal date is to have a picnic by the river or the beach so you can watch the sunset or sunrise together while holding hands. 

Husband Felix who loves taking pictures of you and showing them to you later saying how beautiful you look on each of them. 

Husband Felix who knows exactly how to flirt but is weird and funny sometimes. It never fails to make you laugh. 

Husband Felix who makes your heart flutter every time he smiles and it gets worse when he kisses your lips at random times leaving a blush on your cheeks. He loves to cuddle and is probably the clingy one in this relationship. You don’t mind anyway and you love him for that. “I was born to give hugs!!”

Husband Felix who lets you play with his hair and style it whatever you want on a boring weekend. 

Husband Felix who calls and texts you every time he gets the chance when he’s not around because he misses you so much. He would hug you tight and smother you with kisses when you surprise him while he’s on tour or after he’s been away from you for too long. 

Husband Felix who is a great drinking buddy but gets drunk easily. He always has so much to confess on how much he loves you when he’s drunk and cries while taking everything to heart. 

Husband Felix who is so annoying (lovingly) and cute at the same time that you can’t even get mad. He does it on purpose. 

Husband Felix who takes you on vacation a lot of times a year to his favorite countries, lets you use his card to make a big or small purchase and spoils you by buying you gifts or giving you something from the brands that he’s working with. “Take them or I’ll sell them online having me as a freebie,” He would say while wriggling his brows. “You can’t sell them,” “I know so take them!” 

Husband Felix who gets jealous when you spend a little too much time with his friends instead of him when you’re hanging out during their free time and sulks at the corner like a pouty duckling. 

Husband Felix who takes a day off from work and cooks for you when you get sick. He’s the type to not let you move a single muscle and asks you to stay in bedーthat he’ll do everything you ask for, except argue with him.

Husband Felix who doesn’t want to fight with you. He doesn’t like seeing you cry and most likely hides himself when he’s the one crying. He’ll apologize immediately and take you in his arms, whispering tons of I love yous. 

Husband Felix who would say encouraging words when you’re sad and would insert funny jokes just to see you smile. 

Husband Felix whose love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gift-giving, and quality time. 

Husband Felix who doesn’t mind if you don’t want or want children with him because he respects you so much and always choose the things that would make you comfortable. 

Husband Felix who doesn’t just love you but is willing to give up everything in the world just to have you which he already did. 

Husband Felix whom you promised to take care of him well, never hurt him, never leave but love him and would always be right there for him. 

Husband Felix who will and always choose you.

©️ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐌𝐈𝐍 , 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒.

[weirdsht]

Disillusioned 14 . Insecurity, My Old Friend (2)

a/n: the typhoon is so bad but only one of my profs switched to online class... but during online class I wrote this instead of listening so ig its understandable why they don't want to switch...

anw, after this chapter this thing officially has more words and pages than all of my lotcf oneshots combined

tags: slavery and human trafficking, mentioned wounds, tears

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are currently closed but my ask are still open (read pinned)

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It felt like it had been a long time since _____ and Cale saw each other. In reality, it was merely a few days. It probably just felt like an eternity because they were both busy.

Sure, let’s go with that…

The two exchanged short pleasantries before the conversation switched to how one of the Gyerre Duchy’s vassals was committing human trafficking.

At first, the healer silently listened to the assassin and the young master talked. But then a familiar name was mentioned.

The Chryshi

_____ who has naturally and unknowingly switched their positions from in front of Ron to Cale's side perked up at the mention of a merchant guild and the Chryshi household.

A puppy-like young master and a bunny-like healer young master that naturally gravitated towards each other every chance they got…

No one knew how much this fact entertained a certain benign old man. 

The so-called bunny-like healer started tugging Cale's sleeves as an indication they had something to say, too uncomfortable to speak first because there were a lot of people.

"Hmm? What is it _____, do you know something?"

Ignoring how Cale's voice softened a bit when addressing the healer, they all tuned in as to what the healer had to say.

"Back when I was with my adoptive family, I heard them bring up the Chryshi and some merchant guild in the same sentence. Whenever the conversation was about that they would also bring up about how it brings in so much income.”

_____ could see the intrigued reaction forming on Ron’s face.

“Also, there were nights when I would hear them have secret meanings with that Baron household... I wasn't allowed to take part in important conversations when I was back there so I can only tell you about things I overheard."

Cale once again feels like a headache coming.

However, it checks out if the Perduellios are part of this human trafficking scheme. How else would they get information about an ‘orphanage’ that sells blessed and gifted children?

It just makes sense.

And everyone could see that Cale hates that it makes sense.

Because if the Perduellios are part of this scheme then it would mean the orphanage _____ came from is a slave house with an orphanage front.

As if _____ hasn’t had enough in Cale’s opinion.

They already suffered from those bastards called Perduellios. If the place they came from was a slave house… how much more abuse did they experience?

“Ron, Freesia, include the Perduellios in your investigation.”

“As you wish young master-nim”

Everyone finalized the plan before moving on to another topic.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine staying alone at an inn? I can send one of them with you.”

What’s this? A certain redhead young master is acting out of character?

“I’ll be fine. I know the Gyerre territory like the back of my hand. I have done so many projects here since the Perduellios are aligned with them.”

Just as Cale mentioned, the plan is for _____ to stay in an inn. They would dye their hair and eyes as disguises too. This was because the chances of them being discovered here were higher. Not only does everyone know them, but Perduellio’s people also frequent this place.

So they had an idea to make _____ stay at an inn and pretend to be a traveller. It’s a great plan, only if Cale and Raon weren’t so hesitant.

Despite those hesitations, everything proceeded as planned.

The next day _____ went to a teahouse they used to frequent before. It was a few blocks from where Cale was drinking and should have windows so they could look at the houses from across the bridge.

Walking inside the establishment made the healer feel nostalgic. Going inside this teahouse was the only time they could semi-relax before. They were only allowed in there so rumours of the Perduellios not letting _____ have any downtime do not spread. Still, they were grateful for all those times.

_____ went to sit at an empty table with a window view. They would sit where they used to but for some reason, that table was filled with all sorts of flowers and gifts.

“Are you a traveller?”

A childish voice asked the healer. When _____ turned around to see who was talking, they saw the child of the owner of the teahouse.

“Yes I am, how did you know?”

Thankfully _____ had asked Raon to change their voice last minute.

“It’s because I saw you looking at that special table! Everyone here knows why that table is so special! You look like you don't know, so you must not be from here!”

Seems like _____ hasn’t been around here for a long time. 

“That table belongs to Roan’s Medicus! Well, not belong but when uhm, when they were still around they would go here and sit over there and admire the view so my parents decided to decicate that table to them… I’ve always wanted to play with them… they were so pretty that I felt shy… I wish I had asked though…”

Guilt stabbed _____’s heart at the child’s words. They have seen this child look at them back then. However, they just thought the child was curious.

“But I'm not sad! Mom said that they are resting peacefully now! She told me that maybe they had to go because the Sun God missed them already! I'm sad that Sun God didn't ask me first if I won't miss Medicus-nim, but I understand their feelings because I'm a big girl now!”

Despite saying she's not sad, the child's eyes look teary as she talks about the healer.

“Oh, I was talking about the table! After hearing what Mom and Dad did, everyone started bringing gifts and flowers! Everyone said that it's so that if ever Medicus-nim’s spirit visits here they'd know just how much we love them! See that flower over there? I picked it myself to give it to them!”

_____ had no idea that people admired them to the point of doing something like this. It made their heart swell. Maybe they have done more than they thought they did. 

“Really you did? I'm sure Medicus-nim will be happy when they see it…”

A woman came out from the kitchen, making the healer unable to finish their sentence. _____ knew this woman well, it's the shop's owner.

“Oh my! Mirari what did I tell you about bothering our customers!”

“Oh no, don’t worry it’s fine miss. We had a good conversation.”

The woman who seemed to be in her mid-thirties looked at _____ apologetically.

“I’m glad if that’s the case, but I’m still very sorry. She has suddenly started acting like this after hearing the news about the Medicus.”

Oh…

_____ doesn’t quite know how to feel about that.

So instead they just reassured Mirari’s mother that no harm was done. Nonetheless, the owner was insistent that they’d been disturbed and said that they could have something on the house.

“Traveller-nim choose tiramisu! It’s really good! Medicus-nim always ordered it!”

_____ doesn’t know if they can take any more of this.

They don’t know what they’ve done to make someone this fond of them.

“If Mirari-nim insists then I’ll get a tiramisu cake.”

The healer smiled as they waved goodbye to the child that’s being escorted back to the kitchen. As they did they wonder how such a small child could leave such big lingering feelings.

Nothing else happened after that encounter. _____ just sipped their tea and ate sweets as they watched the windows.

Then it finally happened.

Cale had gone outside acting all trashy.

As they did _____ couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. It’s funny to see the young master acting drunk when he's clearly not. Plus that red flush on his face looks cute.

…wait what?

Uhm anyways…

Soon _____ saw the signal for them to make a move. The signal that they talked about yesterday was Cale’s shield. As soon as the redhead summoned the famous silver shield, the healer went out to be on standby.

Everything became chaotic. _____ could see the citizens not knowing what to do as the famous young master Silver Shield caused havoc.

_____ used that chaos to their advantage and went underneath the houses Cale had been eyeing since this morning. 

Once they got to where the victims were _____ started healing all the severely injured people. As much as it pains the healer to pick and choose who to heal they still do. This was because the Gyerres had to see for themselves just how much these people had suffered.

So as much as they want to heal everyone, _____ only attended to those close to dying.

“Kind _____ the people our human is waiting for are here!”

Raon’s voice echoed in _____’s mind midway through finishing all the houses. That was their sign to get out before Antonio Gyerre or his knights saw the healer.

That night two cute kittens infiltrated _____’s room.

“Cale said you might use all the potions he gave to you on other people nya!”

“We are here to heal the healer nya!”

On and Hong greeted the injured healer on the bed as they welcomed themselves in through the window. _____ could only send a small smile in return, too hurt to form a response.

“Our youngest and Cale wanted to come here themselves but they still have something to do nya.”

Hong stated as he switched to his human form to properly use the healing potion he and On had brought. Meanwhile, his older sister is inspecting the healer’s body. She’s assessing every wound she can find, no doubt to tattle to Cale later.

With the help of the two siblings, _____ started feeling better in no time. They would try to do it midway themself but the healer has learned not to disturb the two kittens when they set their mind to do something.

After they were done they shifted back into their kitten forms to curl up and cuddle with _____.

Safe to say _____ slept soundly that night.

A few days later _____can finally regroup with Cale. They agreed to meet up outside the Gyerre territory, just before they had to meet up with Mary and Tasha.

_____ entered the carriage and greeted Billos. They were about to sit beside him when they felt Cale tug on their clothes. It confused the healer because why is Cale stopping them from sitting beside the merchant when they usually sit across the redhead? So _____ looked at the young master only to see him patting the space beside him.

“I assume you’ve been well?”

“Yes, thanks to you and the kids. I’m glad that you seem to be in good spirits too.”

Cale quickly assessed the healer's body to confirm if they were feeling better. After seeing that they were, the redhead grabbed a pillow from somewhere and placed it on the healer's lap. He then laid down on that pillow and started sleeping as if Billos wasn’t even there.

In turn, Billos just acted as if the young master wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

Time passed and they soon arrived at the entrance of Vegas CIty where the merchant got off. As soon as he did Cale got up from _____’s lap to talk to them.

“Ron and Freesia had investigated the Perduellio Family. It turns out that the assumptions were correct. The Perduellios have been working with the Chryshis and have been smuggling people.”

Oh…

Was it too late to put their hood back on now?

Because _____ feels like they’re about to cry…

Oh no

_____ can feel the waterworks start. They tried to suppress it, but the news was just too much to bear. Especially after the conversation they had with that child named Mirari.

Tears fell as _____ absorbed the news Cale told them. 

In the back of their mind, someone was telling them that they seemed to be crying a lot these days but they currently can't care.

"I didn't... I genuinely didn't know anything..."

The sorrow _____ felt at the involvement of their family felt foreign to them. Their heart feels as though it was being crushed by how heavy it was while their head feels light. They also started questioning their role and achievements. Although they didn't take a direct part in that terrible sin, they feel as though they still have a great responsibility as they were part of that family. 

"I know they weren't the greatest... But I never thought they would stoop so low. What they did to me was fine but this…”

They may have not taken part in the act, but they unknowingly helped fund it.

And that made _____ feel so so guilty.

“While I was healing people, feeling like I was righteous, they were doing such a sin behind my back. Using the money I have accumulated from the sick for such a task.."

Cale can't take this anymore. He can't take _____’s tears anymore. But he doesn't know how to handle a crying person.

So he did the first thing that popped into his mind.

Cale offered his shoulder.

Well, he first wiped _____’s tears before semi-hugging them to place them on his shoulder.

The point still stands, Cale is doing something unusual.

Raon, Hong, and On watched this predicament with their jaws practically on the ground. They had seen the redhead act in all kinds of ways to get what he wanted. But never like this.

Plus, he wasn't acting. That makes it more shocking to the children.

And maybe _____ would be the same if they weren’t engrossed in their feelings. 

But they are, so they just accepted the comfort the redhead silently offered and cried to their heart's content.

Later on, when Ron checked the carriage, he could see the bunny healer's head on his puppy master's lap. Both of them slept while the children were quietly chatting amongst themselves.

a/n: just a small fun fact, I wasn't gonna assign a name at first because I was too lazy but then I learned that Perduellio was the capital offense of high treason back in Ancient Rome

[heyyallitsbeth]

Kirito's Quest Reward

In Alfheim Online, a small party of friends were taking on a boss monster. The giant salamander itself wasn’t particularly threatening, even with it’s attacks leaving multiple debuff effects, but the party enjoyed taking on large bosses together, and definitely enjoyed the payouts from selling the rare Fang Daggers these beasts drop.

“Remember, the one to finish it gets whatever it drops!” teased Leafa, who had been dealing most of the heavy hits this rotation. She knew they always shared rewards anyway, unless there was only one unique item per quest. However noticing her health had decreased due to the monster’s poison, she was prepping to take defensive. “Now switch!”

In a swift movement the girl and her attacking duo Klein had fallen back to the defensive and support lines, and two new attackers came in, the romantic crossed sword duo of Kirito and Asuna. Between them 3 swords cut deep and heavily into the salamander’s HP. Flurries of shortsword stabs and rapier pierces were landed before the rest of the team had assumed their new positions. Leafa began supporting her teammates with spell buffs alongside the cait sith monster tamer Silica, and Klein took a defensive stance beside the mace wielding blacksmith Lisbeth, preparing to run in to assist the mainline attackers. As the HP of the beast faded lower and lower, a rain of arrows shot down from above as the cait sith archer Sinon unleashed battalions worth of arrows. Not to be outdone, the blackswordsman Kirito rushed in unleashing a devastating combo to the creature, taking it’s final health points down to zero.

“Hmmph, all that effort in the last moments and you still go and killsteal.” Sinon sighed and huffed jokingly.

“Heh relax Sinon, we’re all sharin’ in the rewards nomatter what” Kirito replied, smirking.

As the monster turned to glittery dust a gift box fell from it’s place and landed square on the battlefield.

“Ah crap.” Lisbeth complained “That special drop events still goin’ on. All that work and we still might get a freakin’ steel dagger out of it.”

“Shoot! And I just barely made enough yuld off of it to buy back the potions we used.” Klein huffed.

“Hey we still have a chance for it to be good, even if we haven’t had much luck with it” optimistically chimed in Silica.

“Well, in that case if nobody wants it, I’ll be the one stuck with it I guess” Kirito said, striding over to it. “I was the one who took it down after all~” He playfully taunted to the other partymembers. 

He tapped on the box to open it and reveal it’s contents, fully expecting something mediocre.

“Hmm?”

A dialogue box appeared in front of him “1x Classic Maid Outfit added to inventory”

He closed the dialogue box before anyone else could catch up and see what it was.

“So whatcha get?” Asuna inquired looking right over his shoulder.

Kirito jumped from the sudden break in silence, hoping she hadn’t seen the box’s contents. His face flushed red and he flailed his arms. “N-NOTHING- NOTHING AT ALL HAHA-”

Real smooth there Kazuto. He thought to himself. You know how your friends are. That’s just inviting problems.

“Ooooooo~ somebody got something special~” cooed Lisbeth, now nearly hovering over the poor boy.

“So what rare item did you steal from me hm Kirito?” Sinon peered down.

“Heh- no. Th-there wasn’t even anything in it. Guess we got screwed by it haha-”

Next quest: Get better at lying. 

“Oh nuh uh, you aint keepin whatever it is for yourself, if it’s worth a buncha yuld then we’re splittin it okay Kirito?” Klein tossed out.

Kirito wanted to clear his inventory, he would sooner lose Excalibur than reveal what he had received.

“Hey Yui, if Kirito isn’t gonna tell us, could you check his inventory for us?” Silica spoke between small giggles.

“Yui please don’t-”

But it was too late. The small navigation pixie had already opened up a tab to review Kirito’s items.

“Hmmm let’s see. Ah it seems Daddy received an event item from one of Alfheim’s prior Valentine’s Day Events”

Valentine’s Day Item? Well that’s not gonna arouse any suspicion at ALL. Kirito grumbled to himself, his face so red he was matching the color of the holiday itself.

“Spill the beans Yui, whats it worth?” Klein inquired.

“Hehehe~ I just wanna know what it is that’s gotten Kiri so embarrassed~” teased Lisbeth. “Is it some toy you’re gonna share with Asuna later?~”

“AAAA Nononononono it’s nothing like that-” Kirito stammered out.

“No it’s not a toy- it appears the item itself is a clothing item labeled ‘Classic Maid Outfit’” Yui innocently stated.

The group went silent as Kirito’s face went from a flush red to a stark white pale. Then they all started laughing. Lis and Sinon were all but banging the ground laughing at the mortified boy. It took countless agonizing seconds until anyone spoke.

“S-*snkr* So you gonna model it for us Kiri-Chan?~” Lisbeth managed out between snickers. 

“Yeah it’s all yours oneesan~” Leafa joked out.

Sinon who had previously been laughing the hardest now had a more neutral but smug look on her face “Jeez if you wanna see him girly so bad you should join us in GGO sometime.”

GGO… Kirito thought. Yeah that model was quite something. I swear that there was something special in my eyes there. They just seemed brighter…

Kirito slapped his cheeks out of that thought.

“I’m not making it out of here without putting it on am I?” he sheepishly responded. 

“Honey you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I can’t say I wouldn’t mind seeing-” Asuna trailed off, imagining Kirito’s toned physique in a maid outfit.

Add that to the online shopping list later. She thought, her mind filled with devious thoughts.

“You’re just scared you’ll like it-” Klein teased before getting one of Kirito’s boots directly to the jaw.

“F-fine. Just- Everyone turn around. If anyone peeks as I change I’m deleting this account!” Kirito stammered out.

The giggles of the group grew louder as they turned away. His fingers fumbled with the prompts to switch outfits, as if the outfit itself was attacking.

You’re just scared you’ll like it.

The words echoed in Kirito’s mind as he hit confirm. 

He got a good look at his reflection in the mirror view of the UI.

I look like one of those freakin’ anime twin maids Klein loves. Wait… Nononono- I look like Sugu…

Kirito wasn’t wrong, if it werent for his modest chest, he’d easily be mistaken as his sister. But like this, he looked like his sibling’s little sister more than her big brother. His face was soft. His hair had updated along with the clothing, now appearing more similar to his GGO avatar, with the only substantially shorter in the back. In addition to the dress, he had been gifted with a cute little hat and was adorned in ribbons and stockings. The outfit was a dark lavender, with the ribbons appearing a slightly brighter purple. The purple really brought out the color in his dark grey eyes.

“Everything okay Kirito?” Squeaked Silica. “I know we were teasing but if you’re uncomfortable you don’t havta show us…”

Why is she the only one with any decency here? He took one last look at himself in the mirror. Those lights are back in my eyes… He pushed down that thought and sighed.

“You can look now…”

He closed his eyes and braced for the worst. He expected laughter and mockery. What he got was… Silence? Silence for far far too long.

“Guys is everything okay?”

He opened his eyes and noticed everyone was just staring at him, shocked but… not giggly or amused… Almost confused? With the exception of Klein, who was frozen in place, and slowly tipped over before logging out.

“Jeez tough crowd” Kirito joked, trying to make the situation more bearable for himself.

He noticed as the slight breeze blew past, the skirt picked up a bit and waved effortlessly in the wind. Without thinking, he spun around, watching as his skirt effortlessly spun with him. He giggled.

Hmm. Not so bad… EH? What am I thinking I need to get this off-

“K-kirito?” Asuna quietly broke the silence.

“Yes ma’am” Kirito almost chirped out. 

He was happy to see he was now taking it better than anyone else. And then the whole group pounced on him, tackling him to the ground with a hug.

“You’re so cuteeeeeeeeeee!” they all echoed.

Even Sinon, the most modest one seemed utterly infatuated.

“Jeez Sinon, you’ve seen me worse than this- And Sugu you’ve DEFINITELY seen me worse than this-” Kirito thought of playing dress up with her as a kid, but a memory that should’ve made him shudder now brought him a surprising warmth.

That’s not good. He thought to himself. Yeah I’m gonna have to do some serious thinking about this. Or better yet I should simply never think of this again.

“Okay funs over now” Kirito exclaimed, tired of being at the bottom of a pile of bosoms. “This has been exhausting and I wanna go to bed now.”

That night Kirito dreamt of his wedding in Aincrad with Asuna, only now he looked like his GGO Avatar.

…

…

…

Kirito woke up early the next morning and his heart ached. He sent a good morning text to Asuna, despite knowing she’d probably be sleeping in still. He paused before he knocked on his sister’s door to wake her up, and chose not to, just sending her a quick “running out for groceries, be back soon.” text before he got on his bike and left.

Maybe a little ride can clear my head.

Kirito cruised down nearly empty streets, trying to think of anything other than his dream and yesterday. He hadn’t lied about the groceries, he just walked through the supermarket picking up a few essentials for him and Suguha for the week, passing through on his way to checkout when a glimmer caught his eye. He had wound up in the women’s clothing department, and beside him standing tall was a mannequin wearing a basic black skirt. It was nothing special, it was cheap, it was just a department store clothing brand. He looked at his reflection in the black screen of his phone, seeing sparkles in his eyes. He sighed, knowing he was about to make a mistake and placed it in his basket and checked out. He rode home from the shops with his mind racing. 

Why did I do that? I’m such an idiot. What the hell am I doing? What would Sugu say? What will Asuna say? I- I just need to try this once. I’m just gonna go home, try it on, nothing will happen and I’ll burn the damn thing.

Kirito tried to enter the home as quietly as possible, dropping the groceries on the table and tip toeing to his room with the bag with the skirt in it. He closed the door behind him, but in his anxiousness to try on the skirt, he neglected to lock it. He slid out of his black sweatpants, staring at his body in the mirror. His figure was slender, almost effeminate in nature. Years without hardcore exercise and barely eating while in SAO clearly took it’s toll on a previously toned figure.

Maybe I do look like Sugu…

Back when they were little, Suguha and Kazuto were always mistaken for twin girls, despite Kazuto being older and not even Suguha’s blood sibling. He never minded back then, he just liked being close to her. They’d occasionally swap clothes to mess with their parents. Kazuto softly smiled at the thought. He slipped on the skirt. She slipped on the skirt.

His eyes met hers in the mirror. Where a dull grey void once sat, a galaxy of stars was now present, with shimmering highlights and purple hues never noticed until now. There was a subtle curvature to her hips. A natural softness to her face. Her slender physique made him jealous. He stared at the girl who looked back at him, she shyly smiled and as the words left her mouth, they followed in his. “So, this is me?”

She looked down, and the girl was him. The girl was her.

She nervously laughed and shook in place. She watched as her skirt flowed side to side with every subtle movement. She spun herself around, watching the skirt flare up. She giggled to herself. She spun herself again. And again and again. She was giggling to herself like crazy. There were no thoughts left in her head, it was just a pure moment of bliss. And it came crushing down as the door opened behind her.

“Yawnnnnnnn~ Kazutooooooo please could you make a little less noi-” Sugu entered the room with her eyes closed yawning, but her eyes quickly shot open as she saw what was once her big brother in a tiny black skirt.

“S-Sugu??? EH! Don’t Look! I’m not decent!” She blurted out, not realizing she was pitching her voice higher than normal. She scrambled behind her bed, trying to cover up her shame, hiding her blushing face behind her hands.

Suguha smiled softly and walked over beside her as she softly pet her sister’s head.

“Well, it seems like I’ve stumbled into something big huh? Listen Kazuto. Or… whatever you may wanna be called. I’m always gonna support and love my big sibling, nomatter who they are.” She kissed the timid girl’s forehead. “I’m gonna go make us breakfast okay. You can wear that if you wanna. It’s just us home today. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you aren’t ready. You don’t even have to tell me if you’re not ready. But I’m here for you.”

She walked out the door, and Kazuto sighed, knowing she meant every word of that.

…

…

…

Kazuto followed not long after, choosing to wear the skirt downstairs to the kitchen. She was blushing the whole time, still unable to meet her sister’s eyes. She slid a stack of pancakes over to her.

“Here big sis, I made your favorite.” She smiled sweetly down at Kazuto.

“...I like that.”

“Hmm?”

“I think… I think I prefer being your big sister.”

Suguha smiled brightly.

“Yayyyyyy! Now we get to do fun girly stuff together! This is so exciting!- Oh and of course, thank you for trusting me enough with this sis. It means a lot.” Suguha felt a warmth she had never felt, and she felt like it was due to the beaming smile on her big sister’s face.

“So, what are you thinkin’ for a name?”

…

…

…

A few days pass and nobody outside the Kirigaya household hears from Kazuto. He seemingly vanished from the ALO party, and only returned a few texts with “Sorry I’m just busy, miss you too” or “I love you too Asuna”. Truthfully, Kazuto had been training up a new ALO avatar with her sister, creating a swordfighting cait sith, with a name she chose for herself, Kiriko.

“Hey I’m gonna head out and make some lunch for us okay Kiriko? Don’t go far, and I’ll meet you in town.” “Sounds good Leafa, thank you!”

While Sugu’s cooking wasn’t the masterpiece Asuna’s was, Kiriko was always happy to indulge in some of Sugu’s fine craftsmanship as well. Leafa signed out, and her model disappeared. And Kiriko was alone.

She strolled through the town, wondering what to do in the meantime.

“I could really use some sword upgrades…” She muttered to herself, knowing that the only blacksmith worth caring about was Lisbeth, and she didn’t know who Kiriko was yet. 

“Ah well I can help you with that one!” A familiar voice made Kiriko jump, her ears and tail standing on end. “Heh, didn’t mean to scare ya, I’m Klein, and if you need some smithin’ done, I know just the girl for you.”

Kiriko did her best to pitch her voice up to not be recognized “N-nice to meet you Klein, but that’s okay- I- I think I might just wait until I get a better sword drop…”

“Nonsense, Liz is the best in the business, she can make a starter sword scale right alongside Excalibur” He laughed to himself. “What’s your name by the way?”

“K-Kiriko…” She embarrassedly managed out.

Great. I look like my little sister, and the name I chose is 1 letter off of my old handle. I am the smartest woman alive.

Luckily for Kiriko, Klein was the dumbest man alive, and did not question it at all, leading her to Lisbeth’s Smithy.

“Hey guys, I’m back, and I found a newbie who needs some sword help.” Klein announced to the full party.

Kiriko gulped. Everyone but Leafa was here. Asuna, Yui, Strea, Lisbeth, Silica, Sinon, Philia, Agil, even Argo.

With my luck, somehow Sachi is gonna walk through that door isn’t she…

“H-hi everyone, I’m Kiriko… Klein said that Lisbeth is a master blacksmith. At least I think he said ‘master blacksmith’ but all I really caught was ‘master b’-” She knew this was gonna be dreadful, so the least she could do was tease Klein before the whole thing fell apart.

“H-HEY! I said nothing like that- She is a master blacksmith though! She’s been working at it since Sword Art.”

“Yup yup! The best in the business!”

“It’s nice to see you again Liz, I haven’t had a chance to see you since SAO I suppose” Kiriko lied.

It’s not too farfetched to be another SAO survivor… Gives me some leeway if I mess up and say more than I should known…

“Ohmygosh sorry- I usually don’t forget my customers faces…” Liz pouted.

“Hey now, cheer up, consider us equal for me breaking your sword.”

Smooth one smoothbrain. Kiriko thought to herself.

“Eh?” Liz cocked her head. “I don’t think anyone but Kiri-”

“Y’know out in the field, I abused the poor sword, I should’ve taken better care of such expert craftsmanship” She smiled out the quickest excuse she could muster.

“Ahhhh I see. You just reminded me of my favorite customer hehe.” She took Kiriko’s sword from her and got to work on it. “Cute guy, but he’s dumb as rocks. Broke my best sword and made me go on an adventure to forge him a new one.”

“Sounds like a bit of a jerk to me.” Kiriko joked.

“Nah, he’s the sweetest guy, but he’s a little bit off.”

“Yeah, he helped me revive my Pina!” Silica butted in.

“And he saved me from the Hollow Area” Philia added.

“And he’s like, the sweetest husband ever” Asuna swooned.

“And he’s the best daddy ever!” Yui chimed in. 

“He’s helped me in more ways than I’d care to say” Sinon said blushing.

Kiriko herself was now blushing and trying to stifle a smile, hearing all these kind things from all of her friends.

“Jeez, put the boy on a pedestal some more will ya? You’re just begging for this girl to be competition in that polycule you’ve got brewin” Klein sighed “Course, ya cant help but love the guy, after all, he saved us all so many times.”

She felt at home for once, the moment was so warm and peaceful.

“Hmm, you even look a lot like Kii-boy” 

Crap.

Argo’s intuition was always top notch. She’d sniff out the fact that Kiriko was Kirito faster than anyone. She needed excuses and fast.

“Well, I’ve been told I do look boyish-” Kiriko idly fiddled with her skirt, kicking her feet a little.

“Nono- You don’t look boyish at all! Infact it’s more that Kirito looks girlish” Philia tried to console Kiriko.

“Yeah! He actually wore a dress recently and he was really cute!” Silica was practically meowing out the compliment.

“We’ve all been thinking, we haven’t seen him since he did it, we’re worried that maybe we teased him too much and now he got self conscious.” Sinon looked down shamefully.

Kiriko could barely manage to keep up her facade. 

Focus focus focus. Think of things to say to make this go away.

Kiriko chose to simply say the truth. “Well, I think if they were willing to put on the dress, maybe they were just finding an excuse to try it out. Maybe they ended up liking it and has been taking some time for themself to work some things out.”

The room went a bit quiet. All that could be heard was Agil talking to customers and Liz hammering away in the background, but both were clearly listening in intently.

“Whatcha mean?” Silica asked.

“W-well… There’s this thing I’ve been reading about on some MMO forums. Apparently some guys will dress up with female avatars as a joke, and then realize something, that maybe they were girls all along. Maybe your friend is doing that?”

Kiriko was stuttering out almost every word. There’s no way they wouldn’t catch on.

“Well, then I’d be the luckiest woman in the world to have the best wife in the world.” Asuna announced.

“Yeah, and I’d get to have the two best Mommies!” Yui said, with Strea nodding along with her.

“Nomatter what, they’re always our Kirito. We’ll always love them nomatter who they end up being.” Sinon added. 

“Yeah, and I can have my own big sister instead of a big brother” Silica giggled to herself.

“Well, she already has a little sister, you sure you can compete with that role?” Kiriko pet Silica’s head and then she realized what she just said.

“Wait… how do you know Kirito has a sister?”

“W-well I’ve been playing with a girl named Leafa whose been teaching me everything- and she keeps talking about her brother Kirito so I just assumed since you both brought up the name.”

Next quest: PLEASE GET BETTER AT LYING BRAIN Kiriko screamed at herself internally.

Argo mischievously laughed. “Yknow Kiriko, I have gotten some inside scoops that Leafa’s been playin alongside a new account and callin her ‘big sis’. Now aint that somethin Kiriko? Or rather Kii-gal?”

Crap. That’s Argo for ya. She knows me better than… well even me probably.

As the tension grew thick enough to cut with a knife, Leafa walked through the door to the Smithy, and Lisbeth returned to listen to the gossip more intently. 

Hopefully Sugu can tell I’m blinking an S.O.S. to her…

“Ah I see you’ve met my friend Kiriko! She’s really sweet right?”

Kiriko shifted in her seat.

“... Fine ya caught me. It’s me…” Kiriko mumbled out. 

No escaping this one chief.

Leafa glanced down a look of “are you sure Kiriko?” to which Kiriko could only nod.

“While you’re about to lose some polycule points for forcibly outing me Argo-” “Polycule points?” Lisbeth inquired.

If I can earn those I’m taking them- Liz thought to herself

“Yes it’s me. I… I just couldn’t stand being Kirito anymore.” The small catgirl looked to be near breaking point. “I.. I didn’t wanna lose any of you. I never had friends until now. And I was so so so worried I’d lose you all. I’d been keeping this down since GunGale. That avatar stuck in my head like a parasite. I couldn’t stop thinking about having long hair, and cute outfits, and twirly skirts, and- and after I tried on that stupid maid outfit, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t be that same person I was anymore.”

She couldn’t stop the tears anymore. She just balled herself up on the couch. But then she felt a warm soft embrace around her. And another, and another, and another.

“Kiriko, I’m so proud of you. And trust me, you’re still the person I fell in love with in Aincrad. I’m not gonna leave you because you found out more about yourself. That’s just more of you I get to love. I get to fall in love all over again with a wonderful wife.” Asuna held Kiriko tight, and rubbed her cheek against the girl.

A hand was placed on Kiriko’s shoulder. “Heh, you’re so used to playin with chicks that you became one yourself, good for you.” Klein smiled every word out. He may not have been the best with words, but Kiriko appreciated the meaning behind each one.

“We’re all gonna love you nomatter what Kiriko…” Silica was gripping onto her even tighter than Asuna.

Yui and Strea held onto Kiriko for dear life, trying to make their new mommy happy.

“Yeah, you’re our favorite gal to tease, and now we can tease you even harder and in new ways!” Lisbeth smirked devilishly before hugging Kiriko with one arm and poking her cheeks with her free hand.

Kiriko felt another hand on her other shoulder, and looked up to see Agil.

“I’m proud of you for finding out who you are. I’m blessed to have met ya.”

Kiriko’s tears turned from fear and sadness to joy and love.

Sinon came walking up to where Kiriko was sat and hugged her from the front then pet her head. “Truthfully, I thought you were trans the moment you said you were actually a guy in that avatar in GGO. Every time we fought there I saw that light in your eyes you’ve got now. I’m so proud of you.” She kissed the girl’s forehead. “And now we can confirm that two GGO Winners are girls too” she smirked.

“Hehe, sorry for gettin ya to come out if you werent ready” Argo tossled Kiriko’s hair. “But ya know I’m just like ya too! I just wanted ya to rip that bandaid off hehe. Makes it better in the long term.” Kiriko could only smile at the rat in front of her.

“And can I please have my polycule points back”

“T-there’s no such thing Argo. And if there were I wouldn’t take them from my favorite rat…”

“Hey I know we already talked Kiriko” Leafa held onto Kiriko’s hand “but I’m so proud of you and I’m so happy to have a big sister.”

All Kiriko could do was smile, she was finally herself, and surrounded by all of the people she held dear. 

And in the back of her head, she heard the faint singing of familiar christmas music, and relaxed.

Heh. I guess even Sachi was here afterall.

“I love you all. Thank you so much. All of you.”

[venuscrashed]

Authors note: Hi?(I say after leaving for a month)

Summary: You getting chased by a ghost with Mammon at the demon lords castle.

Warnings: I forgot how to write

Word count: 1k

Down the long hallway of the demon lord's castle were the screams of vengefulness and terror. Two people raced down the hallway as their lives depended on it. Chased by a 7ft ghost who had a taste for blood.

Mammon, the demon of the pair, screamed his lungs out into the dead of night as all his dreams were crushed and nightmares came through. Greed was a powerful feeling, so powerful you wished to steal the cursed kingdom of the demon king to sell online. Now the spirit who resided in it seeks justice and won’t stop floating towards him.

(Y/N), the only mortal human of the bunch, ran out of hatred. Noting how one shouldn’t get involved with the avatar of greed's money schemes in the dead of night in a foreign place. They ran as fast as they could only being a few steps behind Mammon. The hand of the ghost lightly scratches their back, signaling the flight in flight.

As the pair came closer to the end of the hallway all hope was restored. The familiar candle light creates a beacon for the two. Mammon cried out in relief with tears in his eyes. Somehow running faster with his arms in the air. (Y/N) using that last bit of adrenaline to reach up. Running so fast that they couldn’t stop in time to turn. Both of their eyes widened once the stair railing came into view. Quick realization settled in as their steps only grew faster from fear.

Mammon somehow managed to stop in his tracks and turned around. Panic in his voice as he saw the human running towards him. “(Y/N) w-wait. Stop running!” In an attempt he put his arms out to try and grab them but only failed as they both flew over the railing. Blood curdling screams were let out. He put his hand behind their head and turned them around mid-air to fall on his back. “I’ll never forgive you human!”

A loud thud echoed through the castle. Groans of pain being let out once the two were on the floor. (Y/N) laid on top of Mammon's body, lifting their head hesitantly. Looking up towards the one who saved them. “You okay?”

Before he could answer the ghost screeched. (Y/N) looked up to see the ghost looking over the railing. Glowing red eyes turning towards the stairwell. (Y/N) jumped up and pulled Mammon with them into a nearby hallway. Ignoring the groans coming from behind them. One left, two, right and there were officially lost. Looking this way and that to see if there were any directions. They stood in an empty passageway with multiple hallways around them and no sign of life.

“Damn it,” they mumbled. Looking back at Mammon and quickly checking the back of his head. Looking closely for any signs of injury, not noticing the way he blushed and squirmed in the grasp. “How much does it hurt?”

He tried his best to avoid any form of eye contact, taking solace in the much needed paint walls. “Uh-” stumbling over his words as they grabbed his chin. Pulling him down and in front of their face. He looked into their eyes, butterflies in his stomach and blood rushing to his cheeks. His mind went empt with every thought leading to thinking about one thing, (Y/N). Trying to play it off he put up his cool guy act, falling miserably. “F-fine. The Great M-mammon doesn’t feel pain that much! Not like you fragile humans anyways.”

(Y/N) just chuckled, letting him go but not before looking into his eyes one more time. They dusted him off and fixed his collar. Glancing at his lips that just happened to be eye level for them. They were about to say something when the ghost screeched from a nearby hallway. Letting out a sigh they looked back towards. They left their hand up in the air looking between him and their hand. “Here grab my hand.”

“What!” Mammon yelled, blushing profusely. “Geez human you think i'm scared?”

(Y/N) only lifted their eyebrows. He clicked his tongue, blushing once again. He looked towards the side before hearing the screech again. After a few moments of hesitance he grabbed their hand and interlocked their fingers with a shy smirk. “I-if you wanted to hold my hand you could have just said so.”

The both of them chuckled. (Y/N) started running towards the hallway on the opposite end. Running at full speed with Mammon behind them.

“Where are we going?” Mammon screamed. Heart pounding in his chest.

“I have no idea!” (Y/N) looked back with a smile. Turning the corner and picking up their speed.

Mammon's eyes widened. Heart louder in his ears and lips agape. A warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest. He smiled, laughing at the whole situation.

Rounding the corner, the two of them reached a familiar corridor. The same doors and paintings that were next to their rooms. Mammon smiled and cheered while (Y/N) just sighed with relief. They turned towards each other, staring into one another's eyes. A few seconds went by before they broke out into smiles. Hugging and jumping around as they yelled in relief.

“We beat that ghost,” Mammon screamed.

“Yeah we did! No thanks to you,” (Y/N) remarked.

“Hey-” the both of them quite downed once the door slammed open. They both froze one the say an angry Lucifer standing in the doorway. Dark, purple flames emitting from his body.

“Mammon!” He yelled.

Mammon gulped. Hiding behind (Y/N) who looked at him unimpressed. Taking a step back he grabbed their hand and started running the other way. Lucifer started chasing after them.

“I'd rather deal with the ghost!” Mammon cried with tears in his eyes. Screaming even louder once the ghost appeared in front of him.

“Mammon!” Lucifer screamed.

As Mammon and (Y/N) got chased by Lucifer and the ghost, the others watched. Simeon chuckled to himself before closing the door to his room. “Brotherly love.”

[deirakizuna]

Kalim's Birthday Fanart

As some of you may be aware already, for each twst character’s birthday i tend to make art of the birthday boy to celebrate, and my plan for this year was to use said art to promote different charities and local stores from countries in need. The next birthday on the list is Kalim’s and I wanted to make it special to promote a lot more charities than usual in a single post for the following countries: Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine, Syria, Turkey, Tunisia and Yemen (I wanted to include Sudan as well, but I’m not sure if it would be okay to do so given the fact that it’s in Northeast Africa, either way I’ll be making another special art piece focused on African countries for Leona’s birthday but I really want to add Sudan to Kalim and Jamil’s art as well, please do let me know if that’s alright).

My plan for these is to put Kalim in these countries’ different traditional clothing (yes, all of them if possible, I like to put the boys in at least 2 different outfits for their birthday and I don’t mind putting them in more if given enough time), and while I’ve found something in my investigation I also feel unsure of how accurate said information is, as well as the fact that I haven’t been able to find good reference for each article of clothing (most pics I’ve found are low res and I can’t see the details like that). So, after consulting with my sister about it, I decided to make this post to ask for help for this, since I’m not from any of the countries mentioned and I truly don’t want to end up doing something offensive due to lack of information when my objective is to try and bring more attention to what is happening there and hopefully spread the charity links to help the victims.

So please, if you can help me in any way to verify the information I gathered or link me more sources and references I can use (especially if you’re a part of any of these cultures) I would be incredibly grateful!

Notes and List of sites I gathered and consulted under Read More.

Notes:

My plan for Kalim’s outfits based on the information I have so far goes like this:

First outfit: white Thobe w/ embroidered neckline and cuffs + red and white Kuffiyeh/Shumagh (possibly over his shoulders instead of in his head, but I might change it) – OR – Kurdish traditional clothing (sharwall, long sleeved jacket, dress shirt and pshtwen/pshten).

Second Outfit: simple white Dishdasha + Champagne colored Bisht (given his social standing, please let me know if it’s innapropiate) + classic black and white Kuffiyeh/Shumagh.

Third Outfit: Dishdasha w/ blazer + embroidered belt + Jambiya + Shawl wrapped like a turban (colors and patterns not yet decided).

Fourth Outfit: Jalabiya + scarf + skullcap (colors and patterns not yet decided).

I don’t really know if that number of outfits is enough to represent all of the mentioned cultures or if I should add more, so please let me know! I’m also trying to find more reference pictures so that I can be as accurate as possible, so links to online shops that sell these garments also work pretty well for me (preferably, with models wearing them so I can see how the fabrics and layers interact with movement).

Sources I’ve found/consulted so far:

Arab Clothing: The Ultimate Guide | IstiZada

Video: Muslim Dresses Around The World Countries 2022 | Islamic Traditional Cloth For Men | Islamic Updates - YouTube

What is a dishdasha and how is it worn? (custom-qamis.com)

What is the Difference Between a Thobe and Dishdasha? – newarabia

Bisht | Abu Dhabi Culture

Clothing – The School of Abbasid Studies

Home - Nationalclothing.org

Clothing - Kurdish Central

Again, thank you so much for the help! If you also want to send me links of charities whose proceeds go to the mentioned countries, that would be just as appreciated!

[flowerandthesongstress]

You would not find my country on the map.

Not because you’re an ignorant dumbass of course but simply because my country is so small that it just doesn’t fit on some paper maps for example it doesn’t fit on this particular map you own and you’ll be looking and looking trying to find my country on your map and you will squint your eyes straining them irresponsibly to almost dangerous levels and in the end you will only find a thin black line that leads away from a tiny dot to some text which says hello please be aware that the country you’re trying to find is somewhere over there but it’s just such a small country that we didn’t have enough space at our disposal to paint that country on this map yikes sorry and you’ll be like whAT what the heck is this nonsense I am feeling mildly outraged this isn’t a good way to make world maps and atlases and then you will huff and look at the corner of the map to see where it was printed and there will be a number with an annotation that says hello person who bought this beautiful map which we printed could you please be so kind as to call this number on the phone if you have any feedback for us and so you will go uh-huuuh and call the number and say uh yes hi I’m calling you about those maps you’re printing and I have feedback as requested namely my feedback is about how I think you should not print world maps in such small sizes because not everything fits into them for example I could not find my friend’s country on your map I only found an explanation for why it isn’t there and as a sidenote I also have to tell you that I needed to squint when looking at that map which can’t be good for my eyesight and so I wonder if you have considered only printing bigger maps with more readable fonts and they will tell you yes yes of course we have because after all we make big maps meant for boardrooms and classrooms and all that and actually with the deforestation problem being as dire and with all of the necessary maps being available online anyway we try not to print too many paper maps but only make them to order and I assure you that every map we make can fit everything because no one but schools and businesses is ordering paper maps of the world from us nowadays so ma’am could you please tell us which size of the map do you mean and you will tell them the size of the map and additionally inform them that the map looks glossy and brand new and they will gasp and say oh wow ma’am this particular map you’re describing has been out of print for over thirty years moreover you should know that due to it containing a misprint there was a very very limited number of copies and yet you’re saying it’s in pristine condition congratulations you basically own an antique map you should hold on to it especially if you’re a map collector and you will say whoah this is fantastic and very interesting although no I am not a collector but I could use some cash right now so I’ll sell it to a collector I suppose hello rich people troy is joining you yes I’ll hold hahaha but seriously thank you so much for this information it comes at the best time and they will tell you in amicable tones oh no problem no problem hope you have a nice day after which you will hang up the phone and give a meaningful and pensive slow nod while somewhere else in the world and likely somewhere nearby let’s be honest here someone else would not find my country on the map because he is an ignorant dumbass, yes.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About The Owl House Pilot

Huh. Never thought I’d get to do this again, but oh well.

Salutations, random people on the internet! I’m an Ordinary Schmuck! I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

And, above all else, I LOVE talking about The Owl House. I have an entire masterpost dedicated to talking about every single episode of the show and I’m halfway through a six-part review discussing everything that I love about it (Part Four's coming when it’s done. Let’s say…late June. Early July at the latest). I figured that after I’d finished that whole deal, I wouldn’t have anything left to talk about when it came to this series. Then, out of nowhere, the show’s original pilot leaked online…Sort of. It’s just an animatic with the show’s original voice cast voicing MOST of the lines, but it’s very much the pilot episode. It’s just not a finished product and I won’t share a link because I don’t think it’s exactly…legal. BUT I will at least share my thoughts about it because, well…Look at my blog. The Owl House has become the BIG THING that I obsess over for a reason and I love that I got to see what’s basically an alternate version of the show that I love. What do I mean?

Well, a pilot is MUCH different from a first episode. Where the first episode is meant to sell the show to the audience, a pilot is meant to sell it to a STUDIO. It can happen at any point of the story or act as the show’s first episode. Just as long as it shows off the characters, concepts, and tone, a studio can look at it, greenlight it, and allow the show to continue, BUT with some extra notes. Sometimes, those notes can change the rest of the series where others can keep the pilot good enough to stay canon. Some best examples off the top of my head are the pilots for Regular Show and Rick and Morty. You can tell that not much changed from the pilots of those shows and what was initially pitched, but there are clear changes in tone, animation, and even personality. Skips sounds a little more illiterate and Benson being more informed of the consequences of something as simple as rock, paper, scissors in the Regular Show pilot and Rick is noticeably more reckless and unprepared for situations in the Rick and Morty pilot. Nothing is set in stone with a pilot episode, even the ones that are canon. For the case of The Owl House, it’s pilot is no exception. A lot of it is just the same as “A Lying Witch and A Warden” at least in terms of plot and themes, but there are so many changes that show off what the series COULD HAVE been instead of what it was. How different? Well, let’s go through it all.

But real quick, I’m not going to do the “Like/Dislike” format I’ve done for previous reviews. Instead, I’m going to look through this pilot, note the changes it has, and share my thoughts on them. There’s also going to be a few spoilers to what happens in this pilot, so if you haven’t checked it out then I suggest giving it a watch wherever you can find it. It really is interesting to get a peak into what’s basically an alternate version of my favorite show.

With that said, let’s get into it.

Some Things Stayed the Same: Like I said, it’s basically an altered version of “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” The plot is that Eda uses Luz to get King back his “crown of power,” with some bits and pieces carrying over. Certain jokes that must have been too funny to get rid of, specific lines of dialogue that hit just the right notes, and some aspects of the characters’ personalities being just the same, proving that they're already perfect the way they are. It’s the changes, however, that makes for something more interesting. For one…

There’s More of an Emphasis on Comedy: As much as I love The Owl House, I’ll always admit that humor isn't its strong suit. It CAN be funny, really funny. But the jokes don’t land as well as something as Gravity Falls or Amphibia. I can say that a part of that could be because Dana Terrace wanted a more serious show, and we definitely get a sense of how serious it could be later in the series. Here, in the pilot, it definitely seems like there was more of an attempt to make the show comedic. King’s crown isn’t in a warden’s cell held within a magical barrier that only a human can get through. It’s in a Principal’s high school, locked in a human locker that Eda and King treat as something devious. Amity’s friends aren’t preppy mean girls who seem like they could cause conflict to Luz and her friends. They’re characters used for jokes who are amazed by Luz standing up to Lilith. There’s less of an edge and more of a lean towards cutesy fun, waiting until the very end to reveal something heavy. To me, it makes the pilot feel MORE like a Gravity Falls clone than the final product. Because while Gravity Falls has its serious moments, it makes it clear that it was a comedy first, both in the pilot and final product. Any moment of heart or drama was overshadowed by one hilarious joke after the other. Now, “A Lying Witch and A Warden” had a lot of jokes too, but there were also these moments that hinted at something more. You have the oppressive looking prison, the grand beam of light hiding human collectibles, a crazy chase from a threatening looking warden. And yes, the reveal that Warden Wrath was trying to go out with Eda was hilarious, but a warden who tortures a prisoner for speaking her truth gives a hint of how dark this world can be. Meanwhile, a principal sending a student to demon detention feels more like a joke, exaggerating how strict some principals can be.

And keep in mind, I’m not complaining about the pilot leaning more towards comedy. I actually laughed a lot more with it than I did with “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” I’m just trying to explain how the tone is definitely going for something different than the full series. It might have that darker twist in the end, but even that is nothing more than a surprise. I'll get into why later, but while it has darker implications, it doesn't detract from the fun times to be had. Not by much. From what I can gather from the pilot, it’s definitely going for a series with goofy, fun adventures with a bit of heart to it. It’s just missing that personal touch that’s in The Owl House. One good example of how?

There’s Not Even a MENTION of Camila: Before you say anything, this has nothing to do with me being Camila’s number one fan, to the point where I almost made a side-blog dedicated to her (I really should get on that, though…)

I bring up this change because Camila grounds the story in “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” She draws Luz close to reality and is the first thing that comes to Luz’s mind when in real danger, saying, “If I die, my mom will kill me!” More than that, though, Camila is the one real connection Luz has to the human realm. She has no friends nor adventures, but Luz always has Camila, with even the first episode hinting that. So when Luz starts getting herself into trouble or choosing to lie and stay in the Boiling Isles, it lets the audience get ready for the inevitable drama that could unfold when Luz finally tells Camila everything. By removing Camila, though, the anticipation of Luz telling her mom goes away with her. At least, it tells ME that there’s less of a worry about Luz basically running away from home. Either this version of the show is holding off from that for a future episode or that Luz and Camila’s relationship isn’t close enough where it matters. This is speculation, of course, but I still stand by that a sense of something personal with Luz is lost for the sake of having fun and epic fantasy adventures with entertaining characters. It’s still good and entertaining, and the pilot does offer something else that’s personal, but it’s not the same as The Owl House we all fell in love with. Though, it’s notable that our main cast stayed the same.

Luz, Eda, and King: Overall, I’d say that these three, personality wise, didn’t change much. King’s probably the least altered, being the exact same character he was in Season One aside from MAYBE having a design change (It’s hard to tell through storyboards). As for Luz and Eda, they’re more or less the same. There’s a BIG change with Eda (That I’ll get to later), but her devil-may-care attitude is very much the same, as well as her snark and soft nature towards Luz and King. It’s her magic that gets the real boost, being able to do more like teleport across the Isles and turn into a…softer version of the Owl Beast at will. It’s pretty cool to see the power that this alternate Owl Lady has. And then there’s Luz, who’s still the lovable weirdo we all know. Though, this version seems a lot more dim and I’m not really a fan. How does she mistakenly give a book report in geometry class? How did it take seeing Amity’s witch ears to realize that she belonged in the demon realm? Luz had her dumb moments in the show too, but not to this extent. There was still a sense of maturity and cognitive understanding that made Luz feel like someone that seemed weird but intelligent enough to think herself out of a situation. This Luz seems more weird and focused on using brute force on a problem. In a way, it makes Pilot!Luz more of an…emotionally driven Star Butterfly. A fun and capable character, but not the same kind I had made several posts and reviews talking about how much I love/personally connected to her. But, comparatively, I guess it IS the most minor change that could be done to this character. Now let’s move onto BIGGER changes.

The Boiling Isles: The look and feel of the Isles remains the same, but the fact that it’s more connected to the Human Realm is intriguing. From what I can tell, the Demon Realm treats traveling to the Human Realm like it’s going to a new country. You visit, make some memories, and, for some, send your children over to be a foreign exchange student of sorts. Except that racism seems to be encouraged in this regard as the demons and witches don’t see humans worth breathing the same air as them. And some think it’s more than okay to hunt down and kill if one human trespasses into their realm. And the reason for THAT is implied to be Belos’ doing. Er, I mean–*Checks the leaked pitch bible*--Emperor Pupa? Uh…I’ll just stick with Belos. 

And that’s extra fascinating to me because Belos being a witch hunter was a major twist that spoke VOLUMES of the kind of people he represents. To find out that this version is more anti-human makes me curious of what kind of angle the show would have taken. Would Belos have been your bare-bones fantasy villain or would the writers find a different way to tackle his symbolism? And is the reason why the Demon Realm is more open up to the Human Realm because he hopes witches and demons can report about their enemies for a possible invasion? There’s no way to know for sure because that version of the story will never come to be, but it’s interesting to think of all the things we COULD have gotten. The same goes for other characters.

Amity: To think, Amity was considered important enough to be included in the original pitch pilot alongside our main trio. It makes sense. Dana Terrace has gone on record in saying that Luz and Amity’s relationship was something she wanted from the get go, so it’s smart to establish it as quickly as possible. Though the route they take is definitely different. Instead of being enemies to lovers, Lumity, in the original pitch, went for the friends to lovers trope…kind of.

Luz, in this version, is someone so desperate for positive attention and respect that she latches onto the first person in school that was nice to her. Except that Amity was looking for some quiet and just so happened to look like she was supporting Luz when telling everyone to leave her alone. It was an act of kindness, but not one done in generosity. It still meant the world to Luz, though, making her go ALL IN with friendship. Only to be a little too forward and creeped Amity out to the point where she was polite enough to say “Thank you,” but you could see the desperation in her eyes to be anywhere but next to Luz. Yet Luz doesn’t see that. She’s still too focused that someone was actually nice to her that she blindly follows Amity into a new world just to return a weird looking passport. Because Amity’s Luz’s friend now and friends do nice things to each other. Only for Amity to accidentally reveal that she couldn’t care less for Luz and shatter her hopes and dreams in one fell swoop.

In a weird way, I’d say Luz and Amity are off on a better first impression here than in the original series. There’s no attempted dissections or witch’s duels. Just…Amity trying to be polite in Luz’s presence only to act like your typical mean girl when she THINKS Luz isn’t around. Tossing away the drawing is harsh for sure, but here’s the interesting thing: Amity didn’t know she was talking to Luz at that moment. She didn’t even get rid of the drawing until someone drew (haha) attention to it. If anything, it’s worth noting that Amity still kept the drawing on her. Almost like, despite being weirded out by Luz, Amity felt as though the drawing WAS cute and only got rid of it when she thought someone would question her for having it. Can’t have that Little Miss Perfect status shatter over something some human gave her.

Am I reaching as a Lumity shipper? Oh, most certainly yes. But we all know the inevitable conclusion between these two. We know where they’re headed. Dana has been pretty adamant about wanting it from the start and this pilot sets the groundwork well. Knowing where these two will end up, it’s easy to make connections and hypothesize what means what. Plus, look at the face of shock and amazement on Amity’s face when she sees Luz standing up to Lilith. That looks like a girl who’s…feeling things for this human weirdo. They’re not off to a ROARING start, but I can see how things could improve between Luz and Amity. And who knows, maybe this version of these two might end up dating sooner with how quickly they seem interested in each other. Again, am I reaching? Most definitely, but I went without any new Lumity content for over a year so LET ME REACH!

The point I’m trying to make is that this version of Amity definitely seems a lot more chill and polite at the start, even though it’s likely she still has issues of even being FRIENDS with a human. But not everyone starts off polite.

Lilith: Crazy to think that Lilith started out as…basically a one-off villain like Warden Wrath. At least, that’s what I gathered from the pilot. The pitch bible hints that there COULD be more to her, but at the same time she gets sent to a fire dimension and loses a hand. That’s one-off villain energy if I’ve ever seen it. But if she is meant to be something more, I would love to see what differences could come of her being the headmaster of Hexside instead of Bump and how she could either develop into someone better through Luz’s influence as a student or regress into someone worse as she makes Luz’s school life a living hell. Whatever could come from her, it was kind of fun seeing Lilith act as more of a threat with her…out of nowhere ability to turn into a bat monster. It’s a pretty cool design and I love that it was brought out due to Eda’s constant pestering, proving that Lilith is still the same insecure nut that I love. And it is pretty great that this pilot confirmed that Lilith really did dye her hair to look more serious. You CAN’T tell me that’s not why the Lilith we know ditched the curly red hair.

But that’s about it when it comes to changes towards characters and locations. Let’s talk about the potential differences in the ongoing story.

Luz Stays Trapped Instead of Choosing to Stay: I mean, technically she chose to stay by breaking that key for no reason, but that’s more of a consequence of not thinking things through. She didn’t NEED to break the key, Luz could have just as easily pulled it out. Instead, she kicked the dang thing, leaving herself trapped in this new world. And it’s here that I would like to once again point out how this makes Pilot!Luz different and what’s lost by not including Camila. The Luz WE know would have been more careful. She always felt like someone who fought smarter, not harder, even in that first episode. Luz didn’t fight Wrath head on, she rallied a prison riot that distracted him long enough for her to hit a firework ball into his mouth. She’s intelligent and resourceful, where this one…kind of is? It was smart to send Lilith to the fire dimension, but again, not a great plan to break the key. Plus, without Camila, this doesn’t feel like as big of a deal as it could have been. Camila was the first person in Luz’s mind as she destroyed the portal door in the Season One finale. In the pilot, with no Camila, it feels like a non-sacrifice or even that big of a deal. She’s stuck, sure, but Luz doesn’t really seem to care that much. She feels happy being with Eda and King and doesn’t seem to be in that big of a rush to get home. Plus, it’s not exactly complicated to get back. There was a whole line of portal doors in the beginning that Luz could potentially sneak through and there’s not yet an established cannon that makes it seem like getting a new key would be difficult or even complicated. Once more, it gives the impression that this version of The Owl House would be focused less on personal stakes and more like giving Luz that fantasy adventure she’s always been craving for. It would make for a fun show, but not the SAME show. However, it is worth noting that there could be some potential drama. Especially for one twist that was a JOLT to my system.

EDA WORKS FOR THE EMPEROR?!: WHAT?!

I’ll admit, I feel like the reason why this is so shocking is because of the Eda I know and the Emperor I learned to fear. I mean, Eda, the woman who would sooner eat her own fist before even CONSIDERING helping Belos, even before the witch hunter business, was originally meant to HELP him. Of all the changes that the series could have made, this was by far the biggest. Everything that I thought to be constant turned out to be a lie and I was NOT prepared for it!

But again, the reason why I got that big of a reaction is because it goes against everything I knew about Eda. If this was my first introduction to her, it’d be less of a shocking twist and more of a…hook. Like how Invincible’s first episode (Don’t watch if you’re a baby) ends with a character you THOUGHT you could trust doing this intensely dark thing. The rest of the season is leading you to figure out WHY this was done and how the other characters would react, making you want to see more as the show inevitably leads up to this big conclusion that changes everything you once knew. The same applies here, with the reveal making me wonder why Eda would do this, how long she’s been doing it, how it will affect her relationship with Luz, and whether or not it’d be an easy fix. And much like the ending of Invincible’s first episode (Seriously, NOT meant for babies), this hook makes me interested in wanting to see what comes next. Except I never will know because that came from a version of The Owl House that will never exist.

The pilot is interesting because it shows me what The Owl House COULD have been. I wouldn’t say that it’s better than what we got or even that it’s a better first impression than “A Lying Witch and A Warden.” It’s definitely FUNNIER, I’ll give it that, but it doesn’t make the original pitch better, it makes it different. Everything looks the same and sounds the same, but the overall feel of this pilot makes it something that would have had a different story, tone, and ideas on how to develop these characters. Would I have liked it? Absolutely. It seems like a fun time. But that doesn’t mean I like the show we got any less. This was more like…getting a peek into an alternate universe where a show I already love would have been vastly different. And after over a year without any new Owl House content aside from stuff that fans have made, this was a very pleasant surprise that leaves me excited for the NEW fan content that springs from all this.

But that’s enough talking about a show that could have been made. Time to get back to a series that came into existence and I still love so much. See you all then as you all milk this gift that the internet has given you.

[heyyallitsbethfanfic]

Kirito's Quest Reward / Something Comforting

In Alfheim Online, a small party of friends were taking on a boss monster. The giant salamander itself wasn’t particularly threatening, even with it’s attacks leaving multiple debuff effects, but the party enjoyed taking on large bosses together, and definitely enjoyed the payouts from selling the rare Fang Daggers these beasts drop.

“Remember, the one to finish it gets whatever it drops!” teased Leafa, who had been dealing most of the heavy hits this rotation. She knew they always shared rewards anyway, unless there was only one unique item per quest. However noticing her health had decreased due to the monster’s poison, she was prepping to take defensive. “Now switch!”

In a swift movement the girl and her attacking duo Klein had fallen back to the defensive and support lines, and two new attackers came in, the romantic crossed sword duo of Kirito and Asuna. Between them 3 swords cut deep and heavily into the salamander’s HP. Flurries of shortsword stabs and rapier pierces were landed before the rest of the team had assumed their new positions. Leafa began supporting her teammates with spell buffs alongside the cait sith monster tamer Silica, and Klein took a defensive stance beside the mace wielding blacksmith Lisbeth, preparing to run in to assist the mainline attackers. As the HP of the beast faded lower and lower, a rain of arrows shot down from above as the cait sith archer Sinon unleashed battalions worth of arrows. Not to be outdone, the blackswordsman Kirito rushed in unleashing a devastating combo to the creature, taking it’s final health points down to zero.

“Hmmph, all that effort in the last moments and you still go and killsteal.” Sinon sighed and huffed jokingly.

“Heh relax Sinon, we’re all sharin’ in the rewards nomatter what” Kirito replied, smirking.

As the monster turned to glittery dust a gift box fell from it’s place and landed square on the battlefield.

“Ah crap.” Lisbeth complained “That special drop events still goin’ on. All that work and we still might get a freakin’ steel dagger out of it.”

“Shoot! And I just barely made enough yuld off of it to buy back the potions we used.” Klein huffed.

“Hey we still have a chance for it to be good, even if we haven’t had much luck with it” optimistically chimed in Silica.

“Well, in that case if nobody wants it, I’ll be the one stuck with it I guess” Kirito said, striding over to it. “I was the one who took it down after all~” He playfully taunted to the other partymembers. 

He tapped on the box to open it and reveal it’s contents, fully expecting something mediocre.

“Hmm?”

A dialogue box appeared in front of him “1x Classic Maid Outfit added to inventory”

He closed the dialogue box before anyone else could catch up and see what it was.

“So whatcha get?” Asuna inquired looking right over his shoulder.

Kirito jumped from the sudden break in silence, hoping she hadn’t seen the box’s contents. His face flushed red and he flailed his arms. “N-NOTHING- NOTHING AT ALL HAHA-”

Real smooth there Kazuto. He thought to himself. You know how your friends are. That’s just inviting problems.

“Ooooooo~ somebody got something special~” cooed Lisbeth, now nearly hovering over the poor boy.

“So what rare item did you steal from me hm Kirito?” Sinon peered down.

“Heh- no. Th-there wasn’t even anything in it. Guess we got screwed by it haha-”

Next quest: Get better at lying. 

“Oh nuh uh, you aint keepin whatever it is for yourself, if it’s worth a buncha yuld then we’re splittin it okay Kirito?” Klein tossed out.

Kirito wanted to clear his inventory, he would sooner lose Excalibur than reveal what he had received.

“Hey Yui, if Kirito isn’t gonna tell us, could you check his inventory for us?” Silica spoke between small giggles.

“Yui please don’t-”

But it was too late. The small navigation pixie had already opened up a tab to review Kirito’s items.

“Hmmm let’s see. Ah it seems Daddy received an event item from one of Alfheim’s prior Valentine’s Day Events”

Valentine’s Day Item? Well that’s not gonna arouse any suspicion at ALL. Kirito grumbled to himself, his face so red he was matching the color of the holiday itself.

“Spill the beans Yui, whats it worth?” Klein inquired.

“Hehehe~ I just wanna know what it is that’s gotten Kiri so embarrassed~” teased Lisbeth. “Is it some toy you’re gonna share with Asuna later?~”

“AAAA Nononononono it’s nothing like that-” Kirito stammered out.

“No it’s not a toy- it appears the item itself is a clothing item labeled ‘Classic Maid Outfit’” Yui innocently stated.

The group went silent as Kirito’s face went from a flush red to a stark white pale. Then they all started laughing. Lis and Sinon were all but banging the ground laughing at the mortified boy. It took countless agonizing seconds until anyone spoke.

“S-*snkr* So you gonna model it for us Kiri-Chan?~” Lisbeth managed out between snickers. 

“Yeah it’s all yours oneesan~” Leafa joked out.

Sinon who had previously been laughing the hardest now had a more neutral but smug look on her face “Jeez if you wanna see him girly so bad you should join us in GGO sometime.”

GGO… Kirito thought. Yeah that model was quite something. I swear that there was something special in my eyes there. They just seemed brighter…

Kirito slapped his cheeks out of that thought.

“I’m not making it out of here without putting it on am I?” he sheepishly responded. 

“Honey you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I can’t say I wouldn’t mind seeing-” Asuna trailed off, imagining Kirito’s toned physique in a maid outfit.

Add that to the online shopping list later. She thought, her mind filled with devious thoughts.

“You’re just scared you’ll like it-” Klein teased before getting one of Kirito’s boots directly to the jaw.

“F-fine. Just- Everyone turn around. If anyone peeks as I change I’m deleting this account!” Kirito stammered out.

The giggles of the group grew louder as they turned away. His fingers fumbled with the prompts to switch outfits, as if the outfit itself was attacking.

You’re just scared you’ll like it.

The words echoed in Kirito’s mind as he hit confirm. 

He got a good look at his reflection in the mirror view of the UI.

I look like one of those freakin’ anime twin maids Klein loves. Wait… Nononono- I look like Sugu…

Kirito wasn’t wrong, if it werent for his modest chest, he’d easily be mistaken as his sister. But like this, he looked like his sibling’s little sister more than her big brother. His face was soft. His hair had updated along with the clothing, now appearing more similar to his GGO avatar, with the only substantially shorter in the back. In addition to the dress, he had been gifted with a cute little hat and was adorned in ribbons and stockings. The outfit was a dark lavender, with the ribbons appearing a slightly brighter purple. The purple really brought out the color in his dark grey eyes.

“Everything okay Kirito?” Squeaked Silica. “I know we were teasing but if you’re uncomfortable you don’t havta show us…”

Why is she the only one with any decency here? He took one last look at himself in the mirror. Those lights are back in my eyes… He pushed down that thought and sighed.

“You can look now…”

He closed his eyes and braced for the worst. He expected laughter and mockery. What he got was… Silence? Silence for far far too long.

“Guys is everything okay?”

He opened his eyes and noticed everyone was just staring at him, shocked but… not giggly or amused… Almost confused? With the exception of Klein, who was frozen in place, and slowly tipped over before logging out.

“Jeez tough crowd” Kirito joked, trying to make the situation more bearable for himself.

He noticed as the slight breeze blew past, the skirt picked up a bit and waved effortlessly in the wind. Without thinking, he spun around, watching as his skirt effortlessly spun with him. He giggled.

Hmm. Not so bad… EH? What am I thinking I need to get this off-

“K-kirito?” Asuna quietly broke the silence.

“Yes ma’am” Kirito almost chirped out. 

He was happy to see he was now taking it better than anyone else. And then the whole group pounced on him, tackling him to the ground with a hug.

“You’re so cuteeeeeeeeeee!” they all echoed.

Even Sinon, the most modest one seemed utterly infatuated.

“Jeez Sinon, you’ve seen me worse than this- And Sugu you’ve DEFINITELY seen me worse than this-” Kirito thought of playing dress up with her as a kid, but a memory that should’ve made him shudder now brought him a surprising warmth.

That’s not good. He thought to himself. Yeah I’m gonna have to do some serious thinking about this. Or better yet I should simply never think of this again.

“Okay funs over now” Kirito exclaimed, tired of being at the bottom of a pile of bosoms. “This has been exhausting and I wanna go to bed now.”

That night Kirito dreamt of his wedding in Aincrad with Asuna, only now he looked like his GGO Avatar.

…

…

…

Kirito woke up early the next morning and his heart ached. He sent a good morning text to Asuna, despite knowing she’d probably be sleeping in still. He paused before he knocked on his sister’s door to wake her up, and chose not to, just sending her a quick “running out for groceries, be back soon.” text before he got on his bike and left.

Maybe a little ride can clear my head.

Kirito cruised down nearly empty streets, trying to think of anything other than his dream and yesterday. He hadn’t lied about the groceries, he just walked through the supermarket picking up a few essentials for him and Suguha for the week, passing through on his way to checkout when a glimmer caught his eye. He had wound up in the women’s clothing department, and beside him standing tall was a mannequin wearing a basic black skirt. It was nothing special, it was cheap, it was just a department store clothing brand. He looked at his reflection in the black screen of his phone, seeing sparkles in his eyes. He sighed, knowing he was about to make a mistake and placed it in his basket and checked out. He rode home from the shops with his mind racing. 

Why did I do that? I’m such an idiot. What the hell am I doing? What would Sugu say? What will Asuna say? I- I just need to try this once. I’m just gonna go home, try it on, nothing will happen and I’ll burn the damn thing.

Kirito tried to enter the home as quietly as possible, dropping the groceries on the table and tip toeing to his room with the bag with the skirt in it. He closed the door behind him, but in his anxiousness to try on the skirt, he neglected to lock it. He slid out of his black sweatpants, staring at his body in the mirror. His figure was slender, almost effeminate in nature. Years without hardcore exercise and barely eating while in SAO clearly took it’s toll on a previously toned figure.

Maybe I do look like Sugu…

Back when they were little, Suguha and Kazuto were always mistaken for twin girls, despite Kazuto being older and not even Suguha’s blood sibling. He never minded back then, he just liked being close to her. They’d occasionally swap clothes to mess with their parents. Kazuto softly smiled at the thought. He slipped on the skirt. She slipped on the skirt.

His eyes met hers in the mirror. Where a dull grey void once sat, a galaxy of stars was now present, with shimmering highlights and purple hues never noticed until now. There was a subtle curvature to her hips. A natural softness to her face. Her slender physique made him jealous. He stared at the girl who looked back at him, she shyly smiled and as the words left her mouth, they followed in his. “So, this is me?”

She looked down, and the girl was him. 

She nervously laughed and shook in place. She watched as her skirt flowed side to side with every subtle movement. She spun herself around, watching the skirt flare up. She giggled to herself. She spun herself again. And again and again. She was giggling to herself like crazy. There were no thoughts left in her head, it was just a pure moment of bliss. And it came crushing down as the door opened behind her.

“Yawnnnnnnn~ Kazutooooooo please could you make a little less noi-” Sugu entered the room with her eyes closed yawning, but her eyes quickly shot open as she saw what was once her big brother in a tiny black skirt.

“S-Sugu??? EH! Don’t Look! I’m not decent!” She blurted out, not realizing she was pitching her voice higher than normal. She scrambled behind her bed, trying to cover up her shame, hiding her blushing face behind her hands.

Suguha smiled softly and walked over beside her as she softly pet her sister’s head.

“Well, it seems like I’ve stumbled into something big huh? Listen Kazuto. Or… whatever you may wanna be called. I’m always gonna support and love my big sibling, nomatter who they are.” She kissed the timid girl’s forehead. “I’m gonna go make us breakfast okay. You can wear that if you wanna. It’s just us home today. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you aren’t ready. You don’t even have to tell me if you’re not ready. But I’m here for you.”

She walked out the door, and Kazuto sighed, knowing she meant every word of that.

…

…

…

Kazuto followed not long after, choosing to wear the skirt downstairs to the kitchen. She was blushing the whole time, still unable to meet her sister’s eyes. She slid a stack of pancakes over to her.

“Here big sis, I made your favorite.” She smiled sweetly down at Kazuto.

“...I like that.”

“Hmm?”

“I think… I think I prefer being your big sister.”

Suguha smiled brightly.

“Yayyyyyy! Now we get to do fun girly stuff together! This is so exciting!- Oh and of course, thank you for trusting me enough with this sis. It means a lot.” Suguha felt a warmth she had never felt, and she felt like it was due to the beaming smile on her big sister’s face.

“So, what are you thinkin’ for a name?”

…

…

…

A few days pass and nobody outside the Kirigaya household hears from Kazuto. He seemingly vanished from the ALO party, and only returned a few texts with “Sorry I’m just busy, miss you too” or “I love you too Asuna”. Truthfully, Kazuto had been training up a new ALO avatar with her sister, creating a swordfighting cait sith, with a name she chose for herself, Kiriko.

“Hey I’m gonna head out and make some lunch for us okay Kiriko? Don’t go far, and I’ll meet you in town.” “Sounds good Leafa, thank you!”

While Sugu’s cooking wasn’t the masterpiece Asuna’s was, Kiriko was always happy to indulge in some of Sugu’s fine craftsmanship as well. Leafa signed out, and her model disappeared. And Kiriko was alone.

She strolled through the town, wondering what to do in the meantime.

“I could really use some sword upgrades…” She muttered to herself, knowing that the only blacksmith worth caring about was Lisbeth, and she didn’t know who Kiriko was yet. 

“Ah well I can help you with that one!” A familiar voice made Kiriko jump, her ears and tail standing on end. “Heh, didn’t mean to scare ya, I’m Klein, and if you need some smithin’ done, I know just the girl for you.”

Kiriko did her best to pitch her voice up to not be recognized “N-nice to meet you Klein, but that’s okay- I- I think I might just wait until I get a better sword drop…”

“Nonsense, Liz is the best in the business, she can make a starter sword scale right alongside Excalibur” He laughed to himself. “What’s your name by the way?”

“K-Kiriko…” She embarrassedly managed out.

Great. I look like my little sister, and the name I chose is 1 letter off of my old handle. I am the smartest woman alive.

Luckily for Kiriko, Klein was the dumbest man alive, and did not question it at all, leading her to Lisbeth’s Smithy.

“Hey guys, I’m back, and I found a newbie who needs some sword help.” Klein announced to the full party.

Kiriko gulped. Everyone but Leafa was here. Asuna, Yui, Strea, Lisbeth, Silica, Sinon, Philia, Agil, even Argo.

With my luck, somehow Sachi is gonna walk through that door isn’t she…

“H-hi everyone, I’m Kiriko… Klein said that Lisbeth is a master blacksmith. At least I think he said ‘master blacksmith’ but all I really caught was ‘master b’-” She knew this was gonna be dreadful, so the least she could do was tease Klein before the whole thing fell apart.

“H-HEY! I said nothing like that- She is a master blacksmith though! She’s been working at it since Sword Art.”

“Yup yup! The best in the business!”

“It’s nice to see you again Liz, I haven’t had a chance to see you since SAO I suppose” Kiriko lied.

It’s not too farfetched to be another SAO survivor… Gives me some leeway if I mess up and say more than I should known…

“Ohmygosh sorry- I usually don’t forget my customers faces…” Liz pouted.

“Hey now, cheer up, consider us equal for me breaking your sword.”

Smooth one smoothbrain. Kiriko thought to herself.

“Eh?” Liz cocked her head. “I don’t think anyone but Kiri-”

“Y’know out in the field, I abused the poor sword, I should’ve taken better care of such expert craftsmanship” She smiled out the quickest excuse she could muster.

“Ahhhh I see. You just reminded me of my favorite customer hehe.” She took Kiriko’s sword from her and got to work on it. “Cute guy, but he’s dumb as rocks. Broke my best sword and made me go on an adventure to forge him a new one.”

“Sounds like a bit of a jerk to me.” Kiriko joked.

“Nah, he’s the sweetest guy, but he’s a little bit off.”

“Yeah, he helped me revive my Pina!” Silica butted in.

“And he saved me from the Hollow Area” Philia added.

“And he’s like, the sweetest husband ever” Asuna swooned.

“And he’s the best daddy ever!” Yui chimed in. 

“He’s helped me in more ways than I’d care to say” Sinon said blushing.

Kiriko herself was now blushing and trying to stifle a smile, hearing all these kind things from all of her friends.

“Jeez, put the boy on a pedestal some more will ya? You’re just begging for this girl to be competition in that polycule you’ve got brewin” Klein sighed “Course, ya cant help but love the guy, after all, he saved us all so many times.”

She felt at home for once, the moment was so warm and peaceful.

“Hmm, you even look a lot like Kii-boy” 

Crap.

Argo’s intuition was always top notch. She’d sniff out the fact that Kiriko was Kirito faster than anyone. She needed excuses and fast.

“Well, I’ve been told I do look boyish-” Kiriko idly fiddled with her skirt, kicking her feet a little.

“Nono- You don’t look boyish at all! Infact it’s more that Kirito looks girlish” Philia tried to console Kiriko.

“Yeah! He actually wore a dress recently and he was really cute!” Silica was practically meowing out the compliment.

“We’ve all been thinking, we haven’t seen him since he did it, we’re worried that maybe we teased him too much and now he got self conscious.” Sinon looked down shamefully.

Kiriko could barely manage to keep up her facade. 

Focus focus focus. Think of things to say to make this go away.

Kiriko chose to simply say the truth. “Well, I think if they were willing to put on the dress, maybe they were just finding an excuse to try it out. Maybe they ended up liking it and has been taking some time for themself to work some things out.”

The room went a bit quiet. All that could be heard was Agil talking to customers and Liz hammering away in the background, but both were clearly listening in intently.

“Whatcha mean?” Silica asked.

“W-well… There’s this thing I’ve been reading about on some MMO forums. Apparently some guys will dress up with female avatars as a joke, and then realize something, that maybe they were girls all along. Maybe your friend is doing that?”

Kiriko was stuttering out almost every word. There’s no way they wouldn’t catch on.

“Well, then I’d be the luckiest woman in the world to have the best wife in the world.” Asuna announced.

“Yeah, and I’d get to have the two best Mommies!” Yui said, with Strea nodding along with her.

“Nomatter what, they’re always our Kirito. We’ll always love them nomatter who they end up being.” Sinon added. 

“Yeah, and I can have my own big sister instead of a big brother” Silica giggled to herself.

“Well, she already has a little sister, you sure you can compete with that role?” Kiriko pet Silica’s head and then she realized what she just said.

“Wait… how do you know Kirito has a sister?”

“W-well I’ve been playing with a girl named Leafa whose been teaching me everything- and she keeps talking about her brother Kirito so I just assumed since you both brought up the name.”

Next quest: PLEASE GET BETTER AT LYING BRAIN Kiriko screamed at herself internally.

Argo mischievously laughed. “Yknow Kiriko, I have gotten some inside scoops that Leafa’s been playin alongside a new account and callin her ‘big sis’. Now aint that somethin Kiriko? Or rather Kii-gal?”

Crap. That’s Argo for ya. She knows me better than… well even me probably.

As the tension grew thick enough to cut with a knife, Leafa walked through the door to the Smithy, and Lisbeth returned to listen to the gossip more intently. 

Hopefully Sugu can tell I’m blinking an S.O.S. to her…

“Ah I see you’ve met my friend Kiriko! She’s really sweet right?”

Kiriko shifted in her seat.

“... Fine ya caught me. It’s me…” Kiriko mumbled out. 

No escaping this one chief.

Leafa glanced down a look of “are you sure Kiriko?” to which Kiriko could only nod.

“While you’re about to lose some polycule points for forcibly outing me Argo-” “Polycule points?” Lisbeth inquired.

If I can earn those I’m taking them- Liz thought to herself

“Yes it’s me. I… I just couldn’t stand being Kirito anymore.” The small catgirl looked to be near breaking point. “I.. I didn’t wanna lose any of you. I never had friends until now. And I was so so so worried I’d lose you all. I’d been keeping this down since GunGale. That avatar stuck in my head like a parasite. I couldn’t stop thinking about having long hair, and cute outfits, and twirly skirts, and- and after I tried on that stupid maid outfit, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t be that same person I was anymore.”

She couldn’t stop the tears anymore. She just balled herself up on the couch. But then she felt a warm soft embrace around her. And another, and another, and another.

“Kiriko, I’m so proud of you. And trust me, you’re still the person I fell in love with in Aincrad. I’m not gonna leave you because you found out more about yourself. That’s just more of you I get to love. I get to fall in love all over again with a wonderful wife.” Asuna held Kiriko tight, and rubbed her cheek against the girl.

A hand was placed on Kiriko’s shoulder. “Heh, you’re so used to playin with chicks that you became one yourself, good for you.” Klein smiled every word out. He may not have been the best with words, but Kiriko appreciated the meaning behind each one.

“We’re all gonna love you nomatter what Kiriko…” Silica was gripping onto her even tighter than Asuna.

Yui and Strea held onto Kiriko for dear life, trying to make their new mommy happy.

“Yeah, you’re our favorite gal to tease, and now we can tease you even harder and in new ways!” Lisbeth smirked devilishly before hugging Kiriko with one arm and poking her cheeks with her free hand.

Kiriko felt another hand on her other shoulder, and looked up to see Agil.

“I’m proud of you for finding out who you are. I’m blessed to have met ya.”

Kiriko’s tears turned from fear and sadness to joy and pride.

Sinon came walking up to where Kiriko was sat and hugged her from the front then pet her head. “Truthfully, I thought you were trans the moment you said you were actually a guy in that avatar in GGO. Every time we fought there I saw that light in your eyes you’ve got now. I’m so proud of you.” She kissed the girl’s forehead. “And now we can confirm that two GGO Winners are girls too” she smirked.

“Hehe, sorry for gettin ya to come out if you werent ready” Argo tossled Kiriko’s hair. “But ya know I’m just like ya too! I just wanted ya to rip that bandaid off hehe. Makes it better in the long term.” Kiriko could only smile at the rat in front of her.

“And can I please have my polycule points back”

“T-there’s no such thing Argo. And if there were I wouldn’t take them from my favorite rat…”

“Hey I know we already talked Kiriko” Leafa held onto Kiriko’s hand “but I’m so proud of you and I’m so happy to have a big sister.”

All Kiriko could do was smile, she was finally herself, and surrounded by all of the people she held dear. 

And in the back of her head, she heard the faint singing of familiar christmas music, and relaxed.

Heh. I guess even Sachi was here afterall.

“I love you all. Thank you so much. All of you.”

[zedpercyfan]

Pokeshipping Week '23 - Day 4 - Ash's Hat

For Someone Special

ASH KETCHUM sighed as he opened the door.  “Spring cleaning…” he grumbled.  He’d been busy helping Professor Oak with research when Tracey reminded the Professor that it was time for spring cleaning.  It was most unfortunate that his Mom heard and instantly demanded that he clean out his closet.

Ash found several things he no longer had any use for or had replacements for, it seemed his Mom was right on the whole spring cleaning thing in his room.  “Huh, the old Voltorb alarm clock…”  He held the device in his hands and chuckled.  The old seams were still there from when his Mom had repaired the broken device for when he and his friends returned after their journey.  Now at his bedside was a more sophisticated version of it.  The animatronic Pidgey now more refined.

He had a spare of the same device too, he figured it’d be best to junk it.

He found some old tin lunch boxes from the League.  Didn’t need them…but he figured they could be sold…maybe keep one or two.

He paused when he pulled out a hat, the hat from the Pokémon Indigo League that he’d worn during his first few years journeying.  Now it was old, dirty, and while it still fit, Ash couldn’t help but feel it had seen its day. “Hmm, I wonder…”

He checked a site that Brock had told him all about and gaped at the prices for the hat.  “Damn, that’s a lot.  This could earn me a lot of yen.”

“I wouldn’t really recommend selling,” said Tracey.

“You’re sure?” quizzed Ash.

“Yeah.  The problem is the simplicity of the design.  The Pokémon League’s symbols have gotten a lot more complicated since this and even though a collector will pay plenty for these, all those used ones online have been there for months and months.”

“Man…” grumbled Ash.  The door opened and Professor Sammuel Oak wandered in.

“Oh, hello, what’s all this about?”  The two boys greeted him.  “Oh, your old hat, Ash?  Looking to sell it?”

“I thought about it, but Tracey just told me it’s impossible with the market right now.”

“Hmm…there is one buyer I know who’d be interested.”

“Really?  Who, Professor?”

“Your old friend Misty.”  Ash blinked in response but before he could say anything…

— BRINGRING-RING – Tracey’s phone went off.

“Oh, speak of the Giratina…”  He hit the answer button.  “Hello?  Still haven’t found the right price for that edition… Not too surprising given the state of the market… Yes, well people have to make their yen somehow.  By the way, Misty, you just happen to be in luck, Ash wants to sell his.  He’s here right now, you can bargain with him directly.  Here.”  He turned the speaker on and handed it over to Ash.

“…Hey, wait!  Tracey, DON’T—”

“Hello?”  He heard a gasp and what sounded like words getting caught in her throat.

“Ash…heya.”

“Tracey tells me you’re looking to buy the ‘98 edition of the Indigo League caps.”

“…yeah…”

“Well, as Tracey said I want to sell mine.  So…how much do you want to buy for?”

“What’s your price for it?”

“I dunno, really.  I’ll give it to you for less than the current price they’re going for.”

“Er… I’ll give you 11,500 yen for it.”

“Wha?  I just told ya, Mist, I’m letting you have it for less than what the lowest price is on the secondhand market.”

Ash was left to stare at the wall for a bit as Misty seemed to go silent but soon she spoke again.  “Are you sure you want to sell it…?” she asked quietly.

“Well, yeah, that’s…that’s what I’ve been saying.”

“Yes, but you sent in 100 postcards for it, right?”

“I did and I know I got really worked up about it that one time but I’ve moved on from that.  I got plenty of hats to sell, actually.  Look, I thought you wanted to buy it.”

“Well, yeah, but… Can I call you on your phone?”

“Er – sure.  But why?”  Ash did a doubletake as Misty disconnected.  He sighed and gave it back to Tracey.  Then his phone rang, this time for a video call.  He grumbled as he answered.

“Hey, you can see me, right?”

“Well, yeah,” replied Ash.

“Good, here’s…”  Misty trailed off as she saw Professor Oak and Tracey talking to each other in the background.  She fidgeted onscreen a bit.  “…can I show you this privately…?”

“Ugh…”  Ash stood up and began walking toward the corral.  “Right, we’re alone now.”

“Good.  Take a look.”  Misty rolled on her chair in what seemed to be her bedroom and revealed a bookshelf with dozens of hats displayed on it.

“Whoa Mist, those’re…”  Ash slowly stopped himself and took a closer look.  The cogs in his brain began to go off.  “Hey Mist, a lot of those look like the hats I’ve been wearing.”

Misty froze up for a second before sighing.  “Y-yeah…I’spose they are…well…heh heh…what can I say?  They normally look good on ya.  Perhaps seeing them on you inspired me…”

Ash Ketchum thought that to be one of the weirdest explanations for something he’d ever heard of!  He was about to retort when her words finally processed in his brain.  His hats…she’s collecting them and a few others that he’d never gotten…looking for the hat he originally wore when they first met…immediately was willing to offer him the amount it goes for at current market price…also seems nervous and uneasy.

It's also true that Misty never really wears hats beyond sometimes a sun hat.  Ash wasn’t exactly bright but he wasn’t stupid either.  Cilan and Clemont had both made it their mission to cram his brain with as much information about life as possible – if there was one thing about girls they had both been very upfront about…

…he decided to play it safe.  “Misty…” he ventured, “this hat was my first ever League cap.  If I let you buy it, will you keep it safe?”

“Yes, of course.”

“It’s something that I really treasured, like…my heart.”  He noticed a slight redness growing on her cheeks.  “Can I trust you with it?”

“Yes,” she replied quickly.

“Good.  I trust you with it as a good and the bested of friends.”  He chuckled.  “Who knows, maybe it’ll be a sort of good luck charm for the both of us.”

“Ha ha!  Yeah!  True,” laughed Misty.  “Kind of like my fishing lure for ya.”

“Mm.  Hey Mist.  I really do trust it with ya.”  And before he hung up, Ash gave her a small wink.

“Ash dear, did you find a buyer?” asked Mrs. Ketchum when she noticed Ash boxing the cap in the living room.

“Yeah, I did, Mom.”

“Oh good.  I hope the lucky stranger will enjoy it.”

“It’s someone we know,” replied Ash vaguely.  “Someone special…”

As he taped the box up, a thought came to him.  “Hey Mom?  What can you tell me about a first date…?”

***

Author’s Note: Hm…not gonna lie, thought I had a better idea for what to do here but it wasn’t as solid as I thought.  I don’t know.  I struggled with this one.

[lust-for-celebs]

That story of yours about Tina getting 4ssaulted was pretty cool. Can you write something about the same man assaulting all of the other girls that are living with her in the streamer house of that story too, please? Your writing is amazing dude!

Hey, thanks for the support. I definitely try. I don’t know if my writing is really all that great. There’s definitely quite a few writers or both smut and otherwise that are above me, but I like to think that I’ve improved rather quickly from my first story.

I love that idea, and I’m definitely going to do it. I just need to decide whether I want to add chapters to the original, maybe changing the title in the process, make it a separate story, a series of oneshots, or just one big oneshot or chapter depending on whether or not I add it on or makes it its own separate entity.

I’m going to be basing it, very loosely, off of the 100 Thieves group. I know very little about them unfortunately, but I’ll do a bit of research on them, and I welcome anyone to try selling me on any streamer to add to the list for this idea regardless of whether their in 100 Thieves, related to them, or their own separate thing.

From my current understanding, the ladies who are or were at one time a part of this group were TinaKitten, Valkyrae, BrookeAB, Kyedae, Fuslie, and Neekolol, who I had to do extra searching for confirmation she was ever a part of it ‘cause she only appeared on one of the two lists I found. Both of which seem a bit incomplete.

I’m almost done with the Rhea Ripley story, and I’m going to work on continuing another after, but I’ll write a bit of a teaser to this with the current concept I have for a continuation.

This time, featuring Valkyrae much more front and center.

Tina let out a breath that she hadn’t even realized she was holding.

Still nothing.

She turned off her phone and looked around. Birds chirped, wind blew gently against the grass and trees, creating an almost ethereal rustling of leaves. The breeze slid against her legs, and she felt lighter than the day before, and she knew she’d feel lighter the day after.

The click of the doorknob as she turned it satisfied her ears. The click of the door being shut and locked even more so.

Her mind traveled to just about a week or two before. Her mind was too messy at the time to keep track of the exact date. It may have been even more for all she knew.

But it was the day things started to fix themselves, so she’d never forget it even if she couldn’t remember the date.

The man had come back yet again for what felt like the hundredth time. Every time, he would get rougher and demand more and more. He had even taken videos of her supposedly consenting to it all when she was her weakest and most afraid of him, and he threatened to post them online if she ever tried to expose him.

Each time, he had pushed just a bit closer to finally driving himself inside of her vagina, and she knew that once he did, he was going to cum inside her. That night, she was certain he was going to do it. The thought scared her as it bounced around inside her skull, vibrating with every thud.

So, she refused. She told to leave and to never come back. She said she didn’t care if he posted the videos online. She just wanted him gone.

“You ready for another night of fun?” The man asked that like he was a friend of hers.

“No.” Just one word, and it sounded so fragile to her own ears. She knew that it was either that night or never. She had to find her resolve.

“No? Well, I suppose you never are,” he said with a chuckle, “but that’s exactly how I like you.”

Those words. Those words right there were what she needed.

“No.” More force this time. “No, I don’t want to, and I’m not going to.”

She looked up to see a look of shock across his face. Widened eyes and an open mouth. It almost made her want to laugh.

“You know what happens if you don’t behave yourself, bitch.”

“Post them. I don’t give a shit.”

“I’ll just…” He stopped in his tracks, turning away from her. “Fine.”

Tina was a little confused, but the look on his face as he turned back to look at her one final time, furrowed brow, downturned lips, and obviously grit teeth, washed that away. After that, she was joyful.

She had done it. She had stood up for herself and gotten him to leave her alone.

Even as she took that final step up the stairs, she could still feel herself smiling, proud of what she had done. The time she spent under his control would never leave her, and she hated that she didn’t find a way to make sure he was punished, but she had survived, and that was all that mattered to her.

She shook her head. That was over now. She needed to refocus on moving forward, better than ever.

First step, she needed to go talk Rae. They had something planned for sometime in the next week. Plus, she had been considering telling her about what had happened. She knew she heard something that night, and while she probably just thought she was masturbating or something, Rae did say she could come talk if she needed anything.

Rae was a good friend. She’d be willing to talk.

Arriving at Rae’s door, she began to knock only to hear a quiet, subdued moan. A blush found its way across Tina’s face.

Shit, she hoped Rae didn’t hear her knock. Oh, that felt embarrassing.

Tina made to sneak away, trying to not make any noise with her footsteps, when suddenly the door opened. Tina’s head instinctually turned back around.

Her eyes widened.

There was Rae, tied up, nipples clamped, suspended in air. Tina was certain there was more, but the room was dark, and her eyes were drawn away quickly to the only other occupant standing beside her friend.

It was the man.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. No.

Without a will behind them, her feet moved forward, and she could see both of them more clearly.

The man was smiling. The wickedness and evil, the love of pain and cruelty shined from his upturned lips.

And Rae, she was looking at Tina, but her eyes didn’t call for help. They were full anger. Hatred. Vitriol.

Why was Rae looking at her like that?

“Welcome, Tina. Look at what I got all prepared for us already.” The man moved forward and reached behind her. Before Tina could fully process what was happening, she heard the click of the door being shut, followed by the click of the lock.

“Wha-wha-what are you talking about?” Tina whimpered out. This was supposed to be over.

“The plan, remember? It’s what I said I would do, and you didn’t push back on it.” No, she didn’t. She didn’t remember. What was he talking about?

She stole another glance at Rae. There was a clothespin clamped down on Rae’s clit, and she could see that the man hadn’t been gentle with her. Red marred her skin across her entire body mixed with purple from bruises. Around her neck, she could see a marking that told her she had been strangled for a significant period of time.

That sight brought back the pain of her own body. The feeling of her hair being pulled no matter how much she followed every order and command. The struggle to breathe as he squeezed his hands around her neck while fucking her from behind. Every slap, punch, kick, and spank came rushing back to her.

In that moment, it was like it never really ended at all.

Rae moaned around the ball gag stuffed in her mouth and strapped in around her head. Tina could tell it was angry. She must have believed whatever he told her. But why?

“Oh, come on, Tina. You agreed to this. Remember the first night we had our fun together?” No, she could barely remember that night. Maybe he said something while she was unconscious, or—No. He mentioned it. If she wasn’t quiet, he’d go after Valkyrae next.

But he never did before. Why now? Even when he had the perfect chance, he always stuck with just her.

And, like he always seemed to do, he read her mind and reminded her of that very night. It was one of the nights he had recorded, and he shoved his phone in her face, playing the video he took. One of them, at least.

She watched, from his perspective as his cock pumped in and out of her tight, small cunt and her little ass met his hips with every thrust.

She remembered that night. It had just been her and Rae in the house, and he wanted to fuck her just outside of Rae’s door. Tina pushed back just enough to make it the room right next to hers while watching Rae as she streamed.

He spoke in the video, “Hot little whore, ain’t she?”

She cringed both in the past and present at the word, but past her knew she had to play along.

“Yes, D-daddy.” A small stutter. She’d gotten uncomfortably good at suppressing those by that point.

He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head back. The camera’s angle was raised a bit to show off her face, twisted in a grimace.

“And you’d help me make her into a good little slut like you, right?”

She hesitated just a few moments before letting out a quiet, “Yes.”

It wasn’t enough. She should’ve refused. She knew, or at least thought she knew, he’d never do anything to her, but she should’ve refused anyway.

He moved his hand from her hair to under her chin and said, “Aw, that doesn’t sound too certain. How about I do all the work and you can come in and have some fun after?”

“Ooh, fuck, yes!” Tina’s voice raised, and she sounded almost excited.

No. She didn’t remember saying it like that. No. She didn’t. She swore she didn’t. It was almost a squeal. It sounded more like she was excited than anything.

Why? Why did it come out like that.

That’s why Rae looked at her with such hatred. That’s why the muffled moans that slipped past the ball gag sounded angry.

He’d convinced Rae that Tina was in on it. That Tina was a part of this.

Tina should’ve done more. Tina really should’ve done more.

[nickgerlich]

The Cookie Crumbles

You know that Spring can’t be terribly far away when you see these. No, I’m not talking about the first robin red breast you see. I’m not waxing poetic about daffodils popping out with their yellow optimism. Nope. I’m talking green, as in the green of Girl Scouts selling their cookies.



It’s an annual occasion, and it is hard to avoid these hordes of young green-dressed girls and their zealous parents. Because, you know, there are prizes to be won for most sales volume.



This time around, the Girl Scouts have found themselves the victim, if you will, of a very successful new flavor variety. You see, their Raspberry Rally has been so popular that stocks have run out and people are now selling them on eBay. No kidding. Girl Scout cookies. And this particular flavor has prices as high as $350 for just one box.

The Girl Scouts are furious, because they feel like other people are profiting off of their great idea. And I’m not having it.

While the Girl Scouts love to speak of empowering young women, teaching them about entrepreneurship,  and all that noble stuff, it seems they have overlooked some very important aspects of business. If you cannot supply product to meet demand, then a secondary market will ensue. That’s where eBay comes in. It’s really no different from someone scalping a concert ticket for five times face value.

If the Girl Scouts wish to keep all the profits for themselves, they best be figuring out how to produce more of this particular flavor. That’ll shut down the eBayers.

In a strange twist, the Girl Scouts even set up online sales of these cookies, because they deemed it important for girls to know a little bit about e-commerce. I agree on that. It’s just that they should have been doing this for the last 20 years. This is nothing new.



If you’ll forgive my anecdote, let me explain (and expose) their reluctance to embrace e-commerce early this century. My oldest daughter was in the local Girl Scout chapter (or whatever they call them), and early that year, it came time to sell cookies. At the time, I was crafting websites and e-commerce portals for a variety of organizations and businesses. I told my daughter, “I’ll teach you how to build an e-commerce site for your group to sell these cookies,” and she was all ears. After all, I had put a computer mouse in her tiny hand when she was one year old, and this was now first nature.



Personally, I rather like the idea of selling them this way. It sure beats going door-to-door, or shivering outside in the Walmart parking lot. More so, it beats guilting people into parting with their money, either the girls doing it, or their parents. I hate pressured selling.



But the local Girl Scouts were not happy, and shot it down in a heartbeat. “We want the girls to focus on building relationships,” they told me. Wait. You mean you’re all about reinforcing gender stereotypes? What happened to all that empowerment rhetoric?

Oldest daughter really didn’t like the Girl Scouts all that much anyway, so we found the exit. She, just like her younger sister at the moment, went on to major in CIS. Take that and your relationships, Girl Scouts of America.

But back to the task at hand: The Girl Scouts should have been on the technology train for a long time now, and some folks at the top who don’t truly understand entrepreneurship dropped the cookie this year. I realize it can be tough to predict which will sell and which won’t, and that leftover inventory may as well as be chalked up as a loss. That’s why you have contingency plans in place with your contract manufacturers to jump on additional production runs.

Furthermore, to blame eBay and those selling on it also avoids another aspect of a free market economy. Price will be determined where supply meets demand. If you want your girls to become entrepreneurs, they need to drink a few shots of this throat-burning reality.



And at the end of the day—or winter in this case—we really don’t need these cookies. Most of us who have bought them did so to be nice, kind of like every time the Boy Scouts were selling tins of popcorn, and the Little League was hawking something else.

I got over them shutting the door on my daughter. I taught her anyway how to build a site with a shopping cart. It just wasn’t for selling cookies. But I must confess to chuckling just a bit when I read of their current dismay.

Because it appears they don’t understand the most fundamental of relationships in business, that being the one between the two most powerful forces we know. Supply Curve, meet Demand Curve. May your intersection tell us everything we need to know about the value of things.

Dr “You Go, eBayers“ Gerlich

Audio Blog

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2011 I’ll have to remember to keep a watch on the inmate search site to see if Mary’s released next month like she’s supposedly going to be. That is assuming they don’t pull anything else on her to hold her there longer. Technically they could hold her till 2013 if they really wanted to. I hope not, for her sake. And I hope she’ll leave the bad boys and the babies to someone else and that she’s realized there’s life beyond abuse and having babies. I think she has, even though it’s been over a year since I’ve heard from her.

That’s another thing I have to think about right there - if I do hear from her, should I or shouldn’t I respond? I’d naturally be curious to talk to her, but at the same time, I don’t want to get hit with a million favors even if I do know how to say no. At the risk of sounding selfish, I’m too busy to worry about others. Remember, fair or not, like it or not, I’m one of the “chosen” ones destined to be forever poor and that means having to work my ass off any chance I get when online jobs come my way, as well as with my writing.

In fact, I’m going to see if there are any translation jobs or other jobs available, then crank out the next chapter of my book.

Despite being naïve, brainwashed, and abused, I know prison has taught Mary a great deal and that she has grown tremendously since the tragedy she experienced, so whether I hear from her or not, I wish her the best!

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2011 OMG, Jesse didn’t come down today! Must’ve gotten a tumor up his ass or something.

I was reading an article yesterday about a 91-year-old woman who’s been selling suicide kits down in San Diego. Plastic bags you place over your head that are hooked up to helium tanks. Like with carbon monoxide, you’re dead in minutes if you inhale helium in its purest state. The woman believes that those who are terminally ill should be granted the same right to die and be put out of their misery as we give animals, and I totally agree. It just seems so insanely inhumane to let people suffer while people are quick to label those who would dare let an animal suffer as mean and cruel.

The funny part was that I posted the link to the article and wrote “Go granny go!” on it. Well, Tammy commented on that with “I don’t know about you? Go Granny Go. You little Sis are mischeivious as ever. Maybe thats what changed things for me, and why I do love you very much.”

Maybe that’s what changed things for her? I don’t get that one. I gotta admit, though, her comment was funny. So was the one she sent after I sent her a quiz in Italian. It’s just one of those Who Were You in Your Last Life things, but she said, “Very funny, sis. How am I supposed to take this quiz?”

I was laughing my ass off the other day at the Klammers. They were getting snowed on and down into the 20s while it was warm and sunny here.

I am so sick of hearing people complain that they have no extra money. Yeah, that’s a bitch, but try not having the money for the things you need. I know we can’t help how we feel about things and how we perceive them to be crisis-wise, but I get tired of hearing people describe the flat tire they got as the “ultimate nightmare” that’s practically the end of the world for them. Really, if a flat tire is so rough on them I’d hate to see them ever walk in the shoes I’ve walked in.

After Tom did the math and all that he estimates we should be back on track by June 3rd. I suppose that’s when the shit will hit the fan again to keep us from getting ahead. It’s once we start to climb ahead that shit happens. If this happened every now and then I’d call it bad luck. But when it happens every goddamn time and a clear pattern emerges I can only call it what it is – something hell-bent on holding us back.

I have already given up the fantasy of owning even the simplest of houses whether it’s in a rural or retirement setting. The question is where we want to spend our lives struggling and in whose little dive.

Tom still insists there’s the potential to make serious money with my writing, but as I told him, I’m still a nobody.

“But all somebodies were once nobodies too,” he pointed out.

True, but it all comes down to fate, and you know what that means for me. I’m not going to give up, though, either way, because being a writer isn’t just what I do, it’s who I am. I even got an idea to try to help promote my book and that was to send a steamy clip from it to that erotica site I submitted a few clips to in the past and include the link at the end of it with a note saying that if they liked the clip they could consider buying the book it came from. Those stories get hundreds of views a day. My first one already has over 32,000 views. I don’t recall anything in their rules about not submitting links, so we’ll see.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2011 I realize things have to get done around here no matter what schedule I’m on, and I appreciate Jesse helping Tom by bulldozing most of the weeds, but I don’t appreciate being woken up by the damn thing either. So when I’m on nights I’ll have to remember to sleep with the sound machine really cranked up and an earplug since he’s obviously going to make a career of coming down here every day.

My allergies have been on a roll so I had to take Benadryl which makes me really drowsy. I was also on a roll with my book, but don’t know how much I’ll get done tonight until the side effects wear off.

It’s been dry and summery in the daytime and chilly really early in the morning. Trying to sleep on Sunday is going to be tough because we’re to be in the mid-70s. We’ll need the cooler that day for sure, and I’ll have to remember to crack the window before I crash.

I chatted with Nane yesterday while she was at work, and Christine checked my blog, but still no Maliheh. There have been tons of tornadoes in the south that have killed over 300 people, but nothing in NC lately. My guess is she’s backing off because of my crush which is anything but mutual. That’s ok, though. I’m too busy for regular chatter and after a few days of it, I do tend to start getting tired of it. I realize she may’ve picked up the other card but I just might not have been notified. I was never notified when Nane picked up hers.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2011 Life may still suck and we may still be forever “sentenced” to a life filled mostly with struggles and hopeless dreams, but today I feel better than I have in several days.

Tom called when their offices opened and was surprised to get through right away. He learned there was a delay in the processing, but the money will be sent today so that much is good to know. Over the next two weeks, we should have everything we’re owed since he filed for Unemployment.

So after my allergies woke me up and I put a Breathe Rite strip on my nose and popped a Benadryl, I was able to sleep more peacefully than I had in a while.

Jesse came down on the ATV when Tom was out weeding. That’s two days in a row now. Is this going to be a regular habit of his?

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 2011 Nothing from Maliheh (I wonder if she lost power again), but I got a quick note from Christine saying she was swamped with work since she was out on jury duty.

I was also delighted to hear from Nane, who was cracking up over the “German omelet” thing. I was telling her how Tom told me Apple’s keyboards do umlauts which sounded like omelets.

She said that the guy she’s been seeing has been hogging up so much of her time that she’s been neglecting friends and family and isn’t sure she likes that yet, but is enjoying things while they last.

As I told her, good things usually do come to an end so enjoy them while they last. Meanwhile, I told her to tell him he’s got envious competition. :) And that I’ll outlast him. I’ll just be doing it from a 6000-mile distance, LOL.

I also dropped hints about writing a story with a character based on her but not with her name, of course, just to see how she takes to the idea.

She was telling me that Nane is Turkish for peppermint and how she thought that was pretty neat. I know it’s also Italian for nannies.

And I was telling her how shitty our lives are and how hopeless things seem.

The money still hasn’t been sent. The federal government just threatened the state government to quit fucking around with those on Unemployment or else! But I guess they don’t give a damn and are still taking their sweet time getting the initial checks out. To hell with anyone whose rent may be due in a few days.

As I told Tom, I’m getting sicker and sicker of this shit by the day. I’m not going to make a career out of “fighting” to live.

Some have commended me for not sugar-coating my life and for being honest about when things aren’t going well. Others say I complain too much. Well, it doesn’t matter what others think. Only what I think. And I think I’m sick of struggling. I didn’t come here to work really hard just to be the equivalent of a welfare bum. That means that no, Tom didn’t get the job. This time he tried to get the temp agency to tell him why, but all they would say was that they “went with the other candidate.” Let me guess – the other candidate was young, not white, or both, right? Only they’re not going to say so, so we can sue their asses and end our money problems the easy way.

Jesse was down on the ATV along with someone in a truck which Tom thinks might’ve been his brother. They got something from the shit pile, but fortunately I slept through it.

Wrote the first two chapters last night of my next book, A Rainbow in Munich, and got my second win. It’s only lotion, though.

The rat’s new game is to take my hair down. I knot it at the nape of my neck and he slowly works it out. Because it’s so long it takes him a few minutes, but he’s gotten quite good at it, LOL.

MONDAY, APRIL 25, 2011 Tom had the interview today, and while everything at least “appeared” to go smoothly, it’s not looking good now. It’s a big building but a small company which is run by an older couple. They said they’d call the temp company today, and Tom called them too, but no one’s called to say he got the job. They did say something about the boss being out at the moment and how she was the one with the final say, so it’s possible that she just didn’t make it back yet. Possible, but unlikely.

We still don’t know if it’s his age or what. Just because they’re older themselves doesn’t mean they want to hire older people. Or it could just be that whatever’s got us cursed so badly is going to make sure no one hires him no matter what. I still say it’s too soon for us. Our problems simply don’t go away this fast. Meaning, he won’t have a job before the fall.

All we’ve done since coming here nearly 4 years ago is struggle. I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being broke for the rest of our lives and always renting dumpy old trailers, but I just don’t know if I can do it. Some things we just can’t adapt to, and I don’t think I can ever “get good” at being poor. I didn’t come here to be a bum. Period. I didn’t come here to have life treat us as if we were nothing but lazy, undeserving people who deserve absolutely no better in life.

Tom keeps saying that the only reason we’re going through this shit is because of the economy. But we’ve suffered on account of other things in the past as well. It’s like something up there uses whatever it can to get at us. If it’s not freeloaders using the law against us, it’s health problems. If it’s not wild neighbors, it’s money. But ever since finally breaking free of the freeloader’s grip in 2003, it’s been mostly money we’ve been beaten over the head with.

The rent’s due in less than a week and we have not one penny toward it. Tom said we’re getting paid even though we haven’t received the money yet, and while Jesse may have no choice but to bear with us and keep on being the understanding guy he says he is, what if he runs out of patience since he’s struggling himself now that he’s out of work, too? It takes 30 days to evict someone in this state and that’s some consolation. And so is knowing that being here 3 years and being good tenants has got to mean at least a little something to him. It’s knowing that our lives are never going to change from here on out that’s the problem. The longer things stay the same the less likely they are to change.

Killing ourselves around the first would be the perfect time to go. As I told Tom, I no longer want our own house, but I don’t want to struggle in dives for the rest of my life either. If we killed ourselves next month, neither of us would have to die alone. We wouldn’t have to live to get old and deal with all the health problems that would bring. We wouldn’t have to worry about being thrown in some state-run nursing home by people who will only abuse us.

The only way to escape this curse and not spend so much time struggling, stressing and living in misery is through death. I’m getting more and more convinced of this. If I can’t have a reasonably happy life without constant money worries, then I don’t want to live. Not if all whatever’s up there wants to do is treat me like shit and see that I spend the bulk of my life suffering.

Again, that’s really sweet of Dad to offer to help, but he’s not going to be around forever to run to and our problems are getting more and more frequent. And more severe.

Our lives will never get better and I know it.

I’m wondering if Maliheh’s lost power again. She hasn’t picked up the second card I sent a couple of days ago, nor have I heard from her.

Nane’s been on Facebook less and less and I have to wonder about myself at times. How is it I’ve come to be so hot for someone halfway around the world whom I’ll never meet? Am I really missing sex with someone I lust for and who wants to have sex with me and not for me? Then again, I never really had much of that to miss, did I? Another thing I can thank our lovely God for or whatever the hell it is that’s so hell-bent on holding me back in most areas of life. I jokingly told Nane she just needs to bug me with 20 messages a day to get herself out of my system.

She’ll fade in time. They always do. But then a new crush will come to replace her and on goes the endless cycle of fun and frustrating little crushes.

I really thought Nane would check in from work like usual, but just because she hasn’t posted anything on her wall doesn’t mean she hasn’t at least read messages.

Christine’s done with jury duty. It was a home invasion thing where a group of people killed one person and left another in a wheelchair for life. They were found guilty on all charges. Now let’s hope Ohio has the death penalty. :)

Why is it that I have a very strong feeling that if I were ever murdered the killer would go unpunished? And God just might let them win the lottery while they were at it, too.

What does it matter, though? At the rate we’re going, I’m going to be my own murderer.

SUNDAY, APRIL 24, 2011 My sister sent a message saying she hopes we’re doing better, and “happy bunny day.” Happy ratty day instead, I told her. Tom and I are about as religious as a doorknob, LOL.

We looked online at the place where Tom has an interview tomorrow. It’s a huge building and the grounds are beautiful. There’s even a playground for those with kids (I guess they do daycare, too) and a jogging trail. The pay may not be as good but the benefits are awesome. Too awesome for us, I’m afraid. I just can’t see us being blessed with such a job for him, but hopefully he’ll at least get to be a temp for a few months if nothing else.

They say most of us are cursed in 1 of the 3 main areas of life – love, health and money. Well, to say that I am truly loved is the understatement of the century. I have a man that loves and accepts me as I am. Every ability and every imperfection I behold is loved, cherished and accepted. Then as a bonus, I have friends, cyber friends, family and family-like friends who also love me. Not like Tom loves me, but they love me, and some even have a little lust for me. winks

I’ve also been blessed in the health department since I quit smoking in 1997 with the exception of a set of pretty fucked up teeth that need to be knocked out and replaced with fakes, and the fact that I’ve been waking up with backaches and congestion lately. Snap your fingers and I can run a few miles at just about any given moment. Snap them again and I can throw myself on the floor and do hundreds of crunches.

As for the financial zone; I have been all over the scale. A rich kid who’s a sometimes fairly affluent adult and also sometimes dirt poor and fears she always will be dirt poor from here on out. As I’ve said before, not having much extra money isn’t such a big deal to me anymore. It’s when I have to wonder if we can pay for the necessities that I have a problem.

Tom read an article about how those who have had lots of change throughout their lives are the most likely to continue to have changes along with greater odds of success later on in life. It went on to mention writers and painters who didn’t have success till their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. Well, unlike many people – perhaps even most – who have had the same jobs, homes, phone numbers, love lives, etc. for a million years, we have certainly traveled and lived in many places, learned a lot of things, and have had many a fun adventure and experiences with a few disasters sprinkled in.

At the same time, I have often felt stuck in a rut and that’s pretty much how I feel right now – like things will never change. I am still just as cursed as I am blessed, and just as blessed as I am cursed.

For now, we have our fingers crossed for tomorrow, even if it seems “too soon” for our luck to turn around. He probably won’t know anything tomorrow either way, though. I had a slight vibe earlier about him starting on Wednesday, but my dreams have been more accurate than my vibes lately. So let’s hope I don’t have any nightmares tonight.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 2011 Made my third book sale! It can’t be from Andy because his computer’s being repaired, so this may be my first “stranger” sale. It’s frustrating that Amazon doesn’t have a tracker so I can at least see what state/country the sale came from. Either way, I’m glad to have made another sale. :)

Tom has an interview Monday morning for an assembly job here in town. You know how it is, though. Our problems aren’t usually just for hours or days but for months or years, so although I do have a good feeling about it, I’m not counting on anything.

Got a box with $11 in spare change from my folks (presumably from their store), and a couple of flower barrettes. One’s bright yellow and the other’s green with glitter. That was very nice of them.

The Belgium winner finally paid for the toy they won, so we won’t have to complain on them on Monday.

Heard from Maliheh yesterday. She was just 500’ away from losing her place. I’m glad she and her house are ok and that she didn’t end up losing work after all.

Jesse drove me nuts with the motorcycle yesterday. He was obviously having a problem with it, so every matter of minutes he’d gun the fucking thing till he finally got it running. You know how that is too – it doesn’t matter if it’s half a dozen freeloaders or one single older person. As long as it’s our neighbor it must be noisy.

I finished my story last night. :) After Alison read the last chapter she said she’s read enough of my stories for the ending not to be too surprising, but would’ve had “Tesla” get arrested for her outstanding warrant so Nane could bail her out, and then have trouble ensue from there.

I thought to myself, what a damn good idea! So I added another chapter and edited that into the ending.

Speaking of Nane, I’ve got some seriously mixed emotions about this new guy she met. I’m happy for her, of course, but I miss her all the more because she’s not on Facebook as much. She used to be on it on weekends, but now she just comes in once or twice during the week from work. She just needs to bug me with 20 messages a day to get herself out of my system, LOL.

I sometimes wish I could stop lusting for those I’ll never meet, but they do make for fun fantasies and great story ideas. In fact, I have a few ideas in mind right now that I’ve been mapping out. I’m just not sure which one(s) I should develop.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2011 Got my first win in 3 years! It was only a coupon for a free pouch of StarKist tuna, but a win is a win. They just need to keep getting bigger and bigger till they equal thousands of dollars once again.

The other night I dreamt I moved to Florida. Only problem is I was moving from Arizona with my parents. I guess they came to get me or something.

Tom said, “Well, as we know, the details of your dreams don’t always matter. It’s the positive message behind them that counts.”

I still don’t see us ever having the money to move there even though the idea of a tropical climate is appealing to me more and more.

In some ways, I feel like I’m in the same prison I was in as a kid. Stuck where I’m at with no foreseeable way out anytime soon.

Last night I dreamt he called me from work, wherever work was supposed to be.

The only disturbing dreams I’ve been having are these dreams where I’m not in jail, nor in a funny farm, but someplace like them against my will. Perhaps these dreams are just a reminder of the fact that I’m never quite going to be where I want to be in life.

I didn’t realize till now that Marie was following me on Formspring. I congratulated her on her upcoming wedding. Hopefully, life will continue to treat her well and she won’t feel the need to become a pest again, LOL. Just say hello every now and then to let each other know we’re alive and thinking of each other. I could never hate her or not want the best for her no matter how crazy she used to drive me.

It’s no wonder I haven’t heard from Christine. She’s been busy with jury duty. She said she’s not supposed to talk about it till it’s over, but it has to do with the worst thing a person can be charged with. Well, I’ll be looking forward to hearing all about this murder case when it’s over.

I still can’t believe they don’t have trained jurors who do nothing but jury duty for a living. There’s just something unnerving about one’s fate being decided by a dozen strangers who were dragged off the streets. Then again, so was having it decided by an old fart donning a black robe who didn’t even know me from a hole in the wall, wasn’t there to actually see the shit I went through as it was happening, etc. Some people are naturally going to be biased no matter what they do/don’t see. They just won’t always admit it and might not even realize it themselves.

Nane didn’t message me or anything like that but she “poked” me for the first time. I asked her where she poked me when she poked me, LOL.

She tends to count down the days till her vacations, and she wrote “23” in Turkish on her wall. I had to look up what it meant, but in response to it I wrote, “Und morgen ist 22!”

The fuckers in Belgium don’t seem to want to pay for the toy, so we’ll soon be filing a complaint with eBay.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2011 LOL, I just entered a sweep that lets you refer friends and enclose a message as well. So I sent one to Molly and said, "Dear Mrs. M, you’re not very bright for a teacher if you haven’t yet figured out that while you have my site blocked on Molly’s computer, you don’t have it blocked on your own. Please see your daughter for what she is so she can get the proper help she needs to stop her voyeuristic ways."

The troll hasn’t written in her blog in several days which isn’t like her. This makes me think she’s moved on to yet another new account.

Tom debated on whether or not to stop admitting he is qualified as a manager because many companies are afraid to hire them for menial jobs. So then he started applying for positions that actually want managers. Only they pay $18 an hour and I can’t believe anything up there would be nice enough to let him have a job that paid that much. It’s almost gotten to the point where I’m wary of good things happening to us. Where good things should be our compensation for bad things that have happened, we seem to be punished for those good things instead.

Right now he’s off to Roseville for an evaluation test for an assembly job. I know better than to get my hopes up, for chances are it’s just another dry run. If he still has trouble getting a job after he stops telling everyone he was a manager, then it’s got to be age or color discrimination for sure. That was one of my first guesses. It’s a youth’s market out there, and non-whites get first dibs on just about everything these days.

The sweeps are still looking hopeless, but I’m entering as many as I can.

Jesse took off at around 7:30 this morning and there were a few barks since it was cold and early, but nothing like when he leaves at night or used to leave at 5am.

Tom just got back, saying the test was super easy. All you had to do was put 5 numbers in order. And now all we have to do is hope we didn’t just spend $7 on gas for nothing.

TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2011 Electronic welfare bums, I love it, LOL. We thought we were going to have to go apply for assistance in person and that it’d be an all-day thing, but it turns out that these days you can apply online. So we applied for whatever medical and food stamp assistance we could get. That should be about $210 a month in food stamps, but who knows what medical-wise?

It’s going to take a month or so, and God do I wish we could tell them thanks, but no thanks because he’s got a job! But I know life would never be that easy for us. I also wish we’d known about this when he first got laid off the first time. Had we known about this and MT, life would’ve been a lot easier. We just had no idea we qualified for assistance. No idea at all.

Today I’ve been productive as far as cleaning and working goes, but wasting time in my imagination on Nane. It’s so pointless, I know, but I can’t help but be so damn hot for her!

Molly still views my blog almost every day, but lately it’s just 1-3 times a day. Someone in Dallas, TX finds the Maricopa part of my bio quite fascinating. They even checked out the first part of Oregon.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2011 No wonder I haven’t heard much from Maliheh. She nearly lost her house in a tornado! A record number of 63 tornados went through NC and some people were killed. I didn’t hear any mention of Fayetteville, though, so I thought she was ok. But there was a message waiting from her when I got up.

How terrifying that must’ve been! I hope she doesn’t lose her place. I’d be willing to pawn my iMac to help get her out here if she needed a place to stay.

It occurred to me that nothing like that could ever just sneak up on us. I’d have nightmares galore the night before even if they had nothing to do with tornadoes.

The people on eBay sure are strange. The toy we listed sold for $12, plus a fortune in shipping since it’s going all the way to Belgium. But last time around no one wanted the damn thing, LOL.

Anyway, not much going on today. It’s cold and rainy. AGAIN. It’s never warm for long around here so it seems.

I’m taking a break for a cup of soup, then it’s back to work.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2011 Got back from Kmart, which Sears owns, a little while ago. I returned with a 4-pack of satin string bikini panties, 2 glittery bottles of nail polish, a new set of sheets in lavender, and a few 99-cent smellies. Cucumber-melon, Sexy Musk and New Musk. I also got candy and soda.

Tom read an article yesterday about a new prescription medication for people with my kind of sleep disorder and I guess instead of adding melatonin to the body it somehow enhances the melatonin you’ve got. As he said, it used to be hard to find any information on this type of sleep disorder, so to see an article about it tells us it’s getting more widely recognized.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2011 Every day I awake to a blank canvas of white upon which to tell a story. Only my canvas is that of a computer screen and not the rough material of a traditional canvas. Instead of brushstrokes, it is keystrokes that tell my story. The story of my day-to-day life. Sometimes that story is sad. Sometimes it is uplifting. And other times it is thought-provoking.

What appeals to me most about writing more than anything else I’ve ever had an interest in is the fact that there’s the potential to go from good to great. I got to be a good singer, but nothing can ever make me a great singer. I was a good dancer, but in this day and age, nothing can ever make me a great dancer despite being pretty fit. Even though I have a knack for languages my Spanish can never go from good to great because I will never live in a Spanish-speaking country where I have no choice but to use it regularly. But age, environment and money have no discrimination when it comes to the art of writing. I may never be the best writer in the world, but someday I will be a great writer. And someday I just may take Eileen’s advice who pointed out that I’m doing this ALL on my own and that while I’m a good writer, why not take some creative writing courses if I’m open to constructive criticism? I can only get better if I do. For now, though, I have Mitch, and he is a fine writing mentor who compliments and inspires me when I write well, and who gives me that constructive criticism I need when there’s something I need to improve on.

Being a writer, like many fields within the arts and entertainment area, isn’t just something we do, it’s who we are. And most of us have been at it in some form or another all of our lives.

My journal is my non-judgmental therapist to pour my tears out on as well as my friend to share the good times with, and so I will refrain from apologizing if I’ve sounded down quite a bit lately. Being held back in life and feeling powerless to do much about it other than wait it out and hope it doesn’t last too long or get too rough can be a real stressor. If my journal doesn’t mind what I say, then why worry if my followers might?

I called my parents yesterday to let them know the Magic Jack would expire and that it would be a couple of weeks or more before I renewed my subscription. I told them to call the cell if they needed us. Well, I talked to Dad, actually. Mom was at the store. He said I should’ve called and told them and they would’ve paid for it, and that anytime I need money I should let them know.

I told him that was really sweet of him, but I didn’t want to bother them. He assured me it was ok, that’s what they’re there for, and if they couldn’t help, they’d say so.

It’s kind of sad that Tom’s family really put a complex on me so badly as far as reaching out to others for help after they so cruelly abandoned us in the past, but a part of me is also glad I didn’t ask for help. For one, they have enough of their own shit to deal with, and I also know I can’t run to them for help forever.

I didn’t even tell him we’ve been out of propane. Not literally, but we can’t afford to have the main tank filled because they have a 100-gallon minimum and that costs a couple of hundred bucks. Instead, we’ve been alternating between a couple of 5-gallon tanks, taking showers every day and a half instead of every day, and washing dishes/clothes in cold water. It’s lasting longer now that it’s been warmer.

I also didn’t tell him that we’re not starving, but we’re eating as cheap as we can and doing without the extras that we don’t need like soda.

What I did tell him was that we really, really appreciate the $25 IHOP card they sent and the $50 Sears card. We need new sheets and underwear, so the Sears card really helps out.

“If some people can be blessed in some areas of life, why can’t they be cursed in some areas, too?” I asked Tom. “What if we’re just forever financially cursed no matter what we do? What if this is it? What if it’s actually safe to say that if things are this bad at our age, they always will be? What if owning even the simplest, most ordinary house is just a dream, and what if we’re forever stuck in this tiny old trailer with its doors that don’t stay open on their own, its lack of space, and its floors without insulation that they’re so cold to walk on in the winter even with socks? Really, we live like bums yet we have done everything within our power to try to help ourselves better our lives. So what if it’s hopeless?”

But he got me to see that this world recession that’s going on is a very extraordinary situation that won’t last forever and it’s not something up there that’s picking on us even though it sure seems that way at times and like things will never change. He also got me to see that getting laid off under ordinary circumstances doesn’t automatically mean you’d lose your house if you had one since you’re usually only laid off for a couple of months. Then I remembered that he did get laid off shortly after we were married and we never lost the Phoenix house. He also reminded me that had we been smarter about Maricopa and not gotten such a big place that we couldn’t really afford, we’d still be there, even though we both came to hate many things about Arizona.

He may have a point, but I still worry that somehow, someway, no matter what we do, we’ll always be struggling.

I’m still entering sweeps even though that’s not looking promising at all. Things just aren’t what they used to be where that’s concerned. If I ever won big, Miss Hates to Travel is going to visit friends and family for sure, including my best cyber friends.

Anyway, after getting groceries and talking with Dad and Nane, I was in better spirits.

Nane said it’s a little late, she knows, but she is reading my book and congratulated me again for getting it published.

Instead of being flattered, I felt embarrassed and said, “Not the copy with the errors, I hope!” Then I emailed her the corrected copy.

She thanked me; though she assured me she didn’t mind spelling errors and probably wouldn’t even notice. Perhaps not if your first language isn’t English. Then again, her English isn’t bad at all. Some natives don’t speak/write it as well as she does.

She likes my sense of humor and we have fun with our usual jokes and nicknames for each other. I told her the story of how we “met” and explained how Tom read an article saying that if your native language is English, German would be the easiest to learn, even if I half agree with it. She told me how she ended up in NYC. She met this guy in Frankfurt she was with for two years. After he got out of the army he couldn’t find work, so his mother in NYC got them jobs there. She worked for Wall Street which is pretty big bucks. She was 23 at the time and I was 18 and right next door in MA. If only we’d known!

I’m glad I didn’t dump her, and I know this may sound silly as hell, but I feel like we grew closer than ever for some reason yesterday. And it may also sound silly to say it made me feel really good, but it did. :)

I’m hearing less and less from Maliheh and still I wonder if I’ve got anything to do with it or not. It’s like she’s slowly pulling away. If that’s what she wants, then ok. I enjoyed the time we had. I think it’s time to give her a taste of her own medicine, though, if I do hear from her again, and not be so quick to respond right away. Let her wait for me for once.

The fucking dogs drove me crazy last night. I slept till midnight and figured Jesse would be home by then, but no such luck. They didn’t shut up for another hour and I wasn’t sure if it was because the prick finally got home or if the dogs had simply exhausted themselves. If he left at 7:30 like he usually does, I’d be pretty exhausted too if I barked for 5 or 6 hours.

This morning the damn cock was doing his little engine gunning and running routine, though I think it may’ve been the motorcycle. It’s like he’s idling the damn thing longer before he takes off.

Not surprisingly, Tom “ran” into him at the fork when he was putting the trash up. He was either coming or going and mentioned cleaning the cooler and getting it ready for the heat that can’t get here fast enough. Tom said I was on nights now and asked that he wait till next week and he said he would.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2011 Later on this morning I’ll call my folks and let them know their loser of a daughter is about to lose her phone, so they’ll need to call one of the two cells if they want to get a hold of me. As part of my learning to accept the shitty hand the bastard in the sky (or whatever it is) is so determined to deal to me time and time again, I’m trying to focus on the good in losing the phone and not on how much it pisses me off to have to keep on losing this or giving up that. I would prefer to leave my computer on when I’m going to sleep when it’s light out and when the lights on the keyboard and the MJ’s power box can’t annoy me like they would at night. The phone could also ring and wake me up if the computer’s left on. And since things have to get more and more complicated with time, there’s no simple on/off switch for the ringer, and I can’t simply take it off the hook. But now I won’t have to worry about that for a while. The Magic Jack also has a delay in relay and an occasional echo.

I can’t believe I spent most of my childhood and some of my 20s dreaming of moving to California only to end up stuck here in my 40s and hating almost every minute of it. A part of me still wants to scream and cry at the thought of spending many more years or even the rest of my life in this dumpy little trailer. But I think the more we fix it up and make it our home instead of just Jesse’s old trailer, the less I’ll want to leave it after putting so much time into making all the changes. Unless you can buy it outright, it’s just not safe to own a house. One firing or layoff – just one – and you could lose that house or that nicer, more expensive rental in a heartbeat.

By throwing away my dream I then have no dreams to either not be able to achieve or to achieve and lose. Besides, there’s really nothing to “throw away” because it’s not up to me to begin with.

And so every time I long to be in a normal house with adequate space and newer features, I remind myself that it’s better than prison, jail, funny farms, concentration camps, apartments or the streets. It’s even better than an apartment building for old folks only. I’m not stupid. I know that if I lived in one of these places the person above us would have unruly grandkids visiting regularly, the person below us would be obsessed with slamming doors, and the person next to us would be so deaf they blast their TV. Yeah, I know how these things work.

Other than this thing that’s had an obsession with seeing that I’m stuck everywhere I don’t want to be and unable to stay where I do want to be since I was around 15 years old, the weather is improving. We had our last cold day a couple of days ago. Now it’s time to pull the comforter off and put the thin blanket on, though it’ll still be getting cold at night for a while. It won’t be until mid-June before we can have windows open all the time.

So the few trees around here that lose their leaves in the fall are sprouting new leaves and there are baby birds in the nest on the porch. And if they bring Tom a job, it will also be around the same time we can leave the windows open, but somehow I doubt he’ll get a job before most, if not all, of the summer is over.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2011 I miss the beach. I don’t know why. Ocean’s stink, the water’s salty, seaweed’s kind of gross, jellyfish make my skin crawl, walking on sand isn’t easy, and stepping on pointy edges of shells or driftwood doesn’t tickle. Chances are, though, I’ll never see any of it again, so that’s another thing I can forget about.

Tom and I both agreed that instead of buying a place or fixing this place up if I suddenly won 20K, we’d get the hell out of California even if it meant having to go to a place that was cold and snowy. And that’s probably what it would take to better our lives, cursed or not. We’ve been here nearly 4 years now yet he STILL can’t get a permanent job. We spend so damn much of the time being cold enough here anyway that a climate worse than this might be worth it in order to break this horrible cycle we’ve been on for so long.

But I’m almost certainly not going to win 20K and so we’re stuck here. And God knows how many more years things will be as shitty as they have been. I honestly think it will be over a decade before the economy recovers.

What’s both good and disappointing is that the Beanie Babies sold which means less stuff in the way, but they only sold for $37. We were really hoping for $50 - $75, even though we didn’t list the more valuable ones in this batch.

We have a toy I won years ago (a talking animal) up for a buck and it’s got a watcher so maybe it will sell. Meanwhile, we’re so fucking poor I’ll have to call my folks and let them know I’m going to lose the Magic Jack phone since we don’t even have $20 to spare right now to renew it. We’ve got two cells, though, and it’s not like I use the MJ phone much.

Just two days back into exercising and I can already feel a difference in my tummy. I’m still not dieting, but someday I’ll get back on with that, too.

Mitch finally made a sale on Smashwords. :) I’ll definitely take his advice and publish with them too, but not until things settle down a bit here if they ever do.

There are baby birds in the other nest at the other end of the porch now, too. I don’t know if it’s a different family or if Mama Bird moved her babies into this nest. Somehow I doubt they move their babies around.

It hurts to walk on the kitchen and bathroom floors even with socks, that’s how cold it got last night. There’s absolutely no insulation in these floors, none in the so-called roof, and probably very little in the walls. But again, we ain’t getting out of here for a long, long time to come. Might as well try to focus on the good in it – no neighbors attached to us!

Nane really is a fun friend even if she’s not around much of the time. We have our games we play (like what scent I’m wearing) and our nicknames for each other. She’s Goddess Nane and I’m Lady Jodi, even if she doesn’t always spell my name correctly.

I started making my own “hugs” and she thought it was neat and asked how I did it. I told her and she did an ocean scene after I did a rat, not surprisingly for us, LOL.

I told her of a dirty dream I had of her and said she could tell her BF. She said she better keep quiet about it, then laughed and said she just might tell him after all.

The troll took Tuesday off but viewed my blog 3 times yesterday, and I just hit Larry with this second funny/insulting message. I enclosed a joke for old-time’s sake but was sure to insult him a bit along the way, too. It’ll be interesting to see if he ever tells me to fuck off or blocks me. Then again, he may not want to give me a “reaction” any more than the black bitch wants to, who I make a point of reminding of my existence at least once a year. I’d be willing to bet she saves everything I send. Therefore, she had to have been as pissed as I was when Facebook’s latest round of changes deleted old messages, LOL.

Who else from the past have I “dropped” in on? Oh, just Bruce. He was the conceited cock that was a great guitarist. I knew him in Springfield. I liked his guitar playing but I didn’t like him. He was too judgmental but not nearly as bad as Al was. Al was the verbal equivalent of a wife-beater. I even gave him the link to the part of my bio where I mention him, even if it was just one paragraph, LOL. He followed the link but didn’t reply as I both hoped and expected. I just like to surprise people at times. :)

Adonis, my faithful follower with the annoyingly shitty English, said he too, had been thinking about my “preparation” theory. He’s kind of philosophical too, and said what if I’m actually being prepared for riches?

So late in life? I doubt it. I once hoped that my curses would one day be compensated, but each year that passes and I see they aren’t, I give up hope on that one.

Tom said some may think I had it easy just for not having to work out of the house.

Yeah, that’s a definite blessing. But is that blessing why we’re so cursed? Or was I given the sleep disorder as a means of holding us back? After all, I’d be out there working too, if transportation and schedules weren’t an issue, even if I didn’t like it.

Tom said he thinks it’s harder for me because I didn’t grow up poor like he did. It almost makes me wish I had, though, as sad as it may sound. Then maybe I’d be “good” at being poor. Don’t worry, I’ll be a good little bum and roll with the punches sooner or later. I already realized and acknowledged that we’re destined to spend most of our lives struggling. Acceptance will come, probably sooner than even he thinks. I’ve had financial problems almost all of my adult life so it really is nothing new. The only new twist is that starting in Oregon, but mostly starting in Cali in 2007, it went beyond just not having extra money and became a struggle to pay for the necessities as well.

OMG, though! God is going to allow us enough food to eat this week! But wait. Just what exactly did Tom and Jodi S do to deserve the right to eat this week??? Hell, I thought we deserved a little starvation mixed into the shitty hand He keeps dealing us. After all, we’re just a couple of worthless losers who try too hard to get ahead, aren’t we?

Later…

OMG, this is so fucking funny! It’s nice to be able to laugh for once, too. To send feedback on my-diary you have to give your email addy. Or at least most people think you do. As long as the @ symbol is present and you use a real carrier, you could send it from fuckyou@yahoo.com if you wanted to. Someone wrote “You have no life” in regard to the first part of my bio. Well, another thing a lot of folks don’t know is that you can search FB for any users signed up with a particular email addy. So I ran the addy on FB, which is in Sunnyvale, CA, and up came a person with the same name as in the addy. I was a little surprised at who I saw in the profile pic, even though anyone could’ve sent the feedback. Usually, such comments come from kids. Not from what appears to be a woman in her 40s. I sent her a message thanking her for her feedback on MD and let her know that I already figured out years ago that I had no life. Oh, and to have a nice day. :) ROTFL! She is going to be one shocked lady! LMAO!

It’s funny in itself, but hopefully it’ll keep her from being a potential troll. As soon as I “called out” that Canadian troll on MO it disappeared really fast. Guess that’s what you get for fucking with a savvy net nut. :)))))))

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011 We have now been in this little old trailer for 3 years. 3 years and counting. Acceptance is getting a little easier, but it’s one of those things that will take time and that will happen little by little. I just remind myself – whenever I start to feel saddened or angry – that there are worse places to spend the rest of our lives in. Much worse.

Death may be the only escape from the curse we’re under, but I really believe that the best way to deal with it while we are alive and the best way to lead a happier life is to just make the best of what we can do/have and stop trying to turn dreams and fantasies into the reality they can never be. So I’m going to keep the list I made up handy of all the things I want to do to fix this place up as time and money permits and make it our home. I think the more we personalize it and remodel it to our tastes and comfort, the happier I’ll be. Maybe we can even add on another bathroom eventually. The clearing that this trailer is on is narrow and so we’re limited as to how much outside space we have as well as inside. It will take many thousands of dollars and many years, assuming we make it through this latest ordeal, but it’s a hell of a lot safer and smarter than continuing on with this stupid fantasy that we could one day own a house and not lose it. Why pay to fix things that break and worry like crazy about losing them until we actually do? Just one lay-off or firing is all it takes to lose a place, and just about all jobs will eventually let you go for some reason or the other. Very few people ever work at the same place till they retire. It may be easier and tempting to want to run to a bigger, newer place if we ever could, but how could I enjoy it if all we’re going to do is stress and struggle to maintain it? We do enough of that right here in what’s just about the cheapest place you can get for being in California.

This is where we live. This is where we stay. This is what’s meant to be.

Don’t know if the Beanies are going to sell or not yet. They’re getting a hell of a lot more views than the last small lot we tried to sell, but in my experience the more we need money the less likely we are to get it.

At least I sold another copy of my book and Eileen’s going to leave a review. I asked her to, since it couldn’t hurt, but only if she likes it, of course, and she said she’d be happy to. Her mother’s going to read it, too. LOL, it’s a good thing we Jews tend to be more liberal.

I’m not going to bother dieting, but I’ve gone back to working out. No need to fall out of shape just because I don’t care right now that I’ve got too many pounds and inches to my name, is there? But why my weight hasn’t kept climbing and climbing is a mystery to me. At this height and age you, can’t just eat like a normal person. But I’ve been eating quite “normally” at 1500-2000 calories a day and being as lazy as can be. I’m not saying I’ll never diet again. I’m just not in the mood to put added pressure on myself until and if our finances get so bad that I’m forced to go hungry. I’m more focused on saving money right now, and part of that means buying cheap food that tends to be higher in calories.

I’m doing arm, ab and leg exercises which take about 15 minutes. Then I’m running 4 minutes every hour for about 10 hours. My screensaver is set to blackout every two minutes, so I’m doing two “blackouts” per hour.

I got a clever idea earlier to take a spring hook off an old purse strap and attach it to my robe. This way I just hook it to the belt loop instead of having to use the belt which only keeps slipping loose.

Again I’m wondering if Nane’s worth keeping as a friend. I’d just hate to dump her and end up regretting it. I reached out to her about a week ago when I was feeling blue and wanted to chat. I realized she could be busy and it’s not like she’s obligated to cheer me up or anything like that, but the least she could’ve done was at least answer the damn message once she finally got back on Facebook which is where I sent it. She just got back from what I could tell, but she’s completely blown me off. I expected a reply or one of her “hugs” or something, but I’ve received absolutely nothing. Makes me also wonder if I should share a certain story with her. :) She did, however, let me know that my book is $3.44 in US dollars in Germany. So almost half a buck more there.

No troll today. I’m surprised. I’m also wondering how long she can stand to go before she does something to try to make me discuss her in my blog which is exactly what she wants.

Later…

I see myself hurrying down the curvy dirt drive and out to the main road. My heart trembles with fear yet with determination as I wait for the next vehicle to round the corner at 45MPH. When it does I refuse to let myself chicken out. I bravely hurl my body in front of it, allowing the impact of the vehicle to smash the life out of me.

Gone are the money worries. Gone are the lost dreams. Gone is the pain.

And then I snap out of this scary yet appealing fantasy given how shitty my life is right now, and reality hits me in the face like a bowling ball.

I don’t have the guts to kill myself. The only thing that’s going to give me the guts to actually do it would be if anything happened to Tom or things got to the point that they were literally unbearable and there was simply no way to survive.

I wish I could know what dying would be like for me and what – if anything – awaited me on the other side. Knowing this may or may not give me the guts it would take to kill myself before things got a chance to get to the point of no return, though it’s true that Tom is another big reason I still exist. He’s a pretty independent guy who could get along just fine on his own. But I know he’d be sad and lonely without me. The older we are, the less likely we are to find someone to settle down with, especially if we’re not very sociable to begin with. So if I died now and he lived another 30 years, that’s a long time to be alone.

Will things ever get unbearable? Well, obviously we can’t live forever no matter what happens. So yeah, eventually Tom’s going to die and I’m going to kill myself if nothing happens before then to cause me to die first or us to die together.

And then another theory popped into mind that got me wondering about something. I assumed all these spells we’ve been going through where we’re teased with our survival were strictly to punish us. But what if it’s something more? Is it preparation of some kind? Back when I was hauled into Florence Jail I got the distinct feeling something was trying to prepare me for something. It was. Six months of hard county time in Phoenix. So if this truly is a preparation of some kind, then what could it be for? Is it trying to “toughen” me up and help get me gutsy enough to kill myself with or without Tom?

“I’m almost 54 years old and things have always worked out,” Tom told me the other day. “So there’s no reason not to think it won’t work out this time, too.”

Ah, but they say there’s a first time for everything.

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011 I dreamt that Tom got a call for a job. I don’t know if he got the job, but he got called for one. Although I didn’t wake up feeling as blue as I have been these last several days, this doesn’t mean I think or feel he’ll get a job anytime soon. Unfortunately, most of the dreams I have that come true are the bad ones. He’ll probably get calls on and off for the next few months, but you know our setbacks last longer than just a few weeks. Even so, Tom’s thinking of leaving out the fact that he was a manager in the past. Since all he can get are menial temp jobs, having that on his record is a very bad thing since no one wants to hire managers for shit jobs, and he’s not going to tell them, “Hey, I’m so desperate I’ll take any job.” The tough part is not only finding a job, regardless of pay but finding one in town so he doesn’t have to drive forever. Especially since gas prices are getting out of hand again.

“Do recycled bird’s nests still count as bringing good luck?” I asked Tom the other day. After all, it is a used nest they’re using out on the porch. He assures me they probably had to remodel somewhat. Well, we’ll see what happens over the next few months and if it’s still a “lucky” thing or not.

We listed 100 Beanie Babies on eBay starting at $24.99. Again, a true test of just how cursed we may or may not be at the moment.

Our connection has been slow as hell. Maybe in a few more years or so, we can get reliable service out here without having to play phone with them all day every few months and beg them to give us the speed we’re paying for.

Christine has been sick with a fever so that’s why I haven’t heard much from her. Hopefully, she’s better now.

Molly’s back to viewing my blog. Yeah, I knew she would be. Houston, TX viewed me too, and when I see anything Texas I always wonder if there’s a connection. Especially when it’s a direct jump.

Anyway, it’s back to not allowing anonymous comments on my blog now that she’s coming around again. In her own blog, she’s written the exact opposite of what she said last time. She’s just back and forth and back and forth like a yo-yo. One entry could say she’s sick of her “friendship” with Alison and she’s not worth bothering with, the next (written just hours later) could be all about how she hopes to earn her trust again and win her friendship over. She’s also swung back the other way with Roman, admitting to harassing him again. She said she’s “not sure” why she can’t stop calling and texting him. Then after claiming to feel oh so loved by fellow thoughts members, now she feels slighted.

People have left comments saying you can’t make people like you, the internet is not real life, and that it’s a waste of time feeling hurt over people online when she should be out meeting people in person.

And it’s all gonna go in one ear and out the other.

She supposedly started a new medication, but I really don’t think all the therapy and medication in the world can help people like her. It didn’t seem to help Marie. I think the only way to stop Molly from bothering people online is to prevent her from being able to get online in the first place. The mother’s obviously not very bright for a teacher if she hasn’t yet figured out that while she may’ve blocked my blog on Molly’s computer, the nut can still get to it on hers.

Later…

If there was the slightest, microscopic amount of doubt left in me as to us not being meant to have money, it’s gone now for damn sure. The economy is so damn bad we’re almost certainly guaranteed not to have even a few grand in the pension fund. Anything to keep us poor and from buying a house. Anything. But that’s fine; I already decided I don’t want a house just to lose it and have to pay for things we can’t afford to fix until we do. So fine. We’ll stay right here. But a little extra money to fix this place up would’ve been nice.

It’s all there, though. The pattern is so damn clear. First we lose hope of ever getting anything from his mother (if she can ever die), then the horse program tease, then the partnership tease, and now God’s made sure to use the economy to fuck us out of our pension. “What’s all that tell you?” I told Tom, trying to point the obvious out to him. Yet he insists that there’s no way I could be screwed out of my inheritance and that while it may suck, now’s a “great” time to be poor because the county could end up saving us a whole “boatload” of money on my teeth.

I first thought it would take months and months to get approved for help with my teeth. But the county funds the dental, he learned, which explains why the state could afford to drop it and not have anyone bitch about it. The state, however, is the one that deals with food stamps, so that would definitely take months.

If I could get my teeth done for free or close to it that would be great. But that’s just one thing. What about our overall day-to-day lives? I’ve known since 2007 that we were meant to be poor for the most part. That’s pretty much when it became obvious enough and I put two and two together and figured it out. I also figured as much as far as us getting fucked out of the pension. So then why is it so hard on me? Why can’t I just accept the fate that’s been handed down to me and just roll with the punches? Why get upset over what cannot be changed? Like wasting time getting upset when a state votes down gay marriage. Well, of course they’re gonna vote it down. Most people hate gays. It does get easier with time, but I still need to fully accept it if I’m ever going to have an easier life. I’ve given up my dream of a house, not that I ever had much choice, and I’m sorry it’s taken me 3 hopeless dreams to finally realize that whether my dream is far-fetched or perfectly reasonable, it’s not meant to be if the dream belongs to me. I’ll know better when dream number 4 rolls around and won’t even bother to think of trying to make it a reality.

This reality hitting home more and more makes me all the more hesitant to bother sweeping. Not just because the odds these days are astronomical but because if we, Tom and Jodi S, aren’t meant to have big bucks, then that’s all the more reason to believe I’ll never win.

Again with the troll coming to my blog today, so again I’m thinking of creating our own site and blocking that IP# altogether. Well, Tom will have to do it, but I did suggest it since he’s going to be out of work for months. Yeah, that call I dreamt he got never came. You know only the bad dreams are allowed to come true. Or something bad after having a bad dream.

I HATE God above so bad now! And I don’t care if He punishes me for saying so. What more can He do to us? He’s taken our dreams, taken our pension, taken our LIVES. We are so His little puppets on a string for life.

Later…

I meant it when I said that not having extra money was ok so long as we could pay for our needs, but sometimes I’ll miss the lack of choices and opportunities a life of struggling will bring us. It may not be necessary, but it would’ve been nice had a year of Harry & David’s been a choice for us, and it would’ve been nice to spend a day being pampered at a spa if we wanted to or to decide to take a vacation somewhere if we ever decided we could use a change in town/scenery, despite hating to travel.

To assume we’ll be screwed out of our pension is as reasonable enough as assuming one will be hurt if they fall 20 feet. And we WILL lose the inheritance. God will make sure doctors, hospitals and other medical-related expenses drain the money in the end. I’m not stupid. I get how it works for us. It started becoming rather obvious in late 2006, but each year it gets more obvious.

I am determined to just learn to accept things as they are and roll with the punches rather than waste time trying to change and control what we can’t. We DID try to better our lives, so no one can say we didn’t try. Also, there is some good in being poor. Poor gets you more breaks and freebies and it makes you appreciate those few scattered bursts of good times. So poor is ok and I’m ready to make the best of it since it cannot be changed.

Now, speaking of working with what we do have and not worrying about what we can’t have, here’s a list of long-term goals. We can do these things as money permits.

New carpet New paint New floors I would like light-colored countertops, but that’s not necessary Install more outlets? Flat-top stove Bigger water tank New doors Water filter so we can drink tap water? Twin waterbed for me New bed/couch of some kind for him Shelves Curtains or drapes for the bedroom Square clothesline Soundproofing and or insulation to regulate inside temp Add-ons: bathroom, bedroom, laundry room

This will take many thousands of dollars and many years to do but this is a REASONABLE goal. Having a savings and buying a house is not. I think we can and should do this. It may not be our #1 choice in life, but you know life isn’t what we plan it. We live the lives we were meant to live and I don’t think it’s all that bad at all when you consider how much worse it could be. I do, however, think we should get Jesse in here next fall to fix the heater and faucets. Remember, if we’re going to focus on the good of renting/being poor, it’s having someone else pay to fix things. So life won’t be what we want it to be, but we can make the best of the life we never wanted or intended to live. Sometimes you just gotta MAKE the place you’re in your forever home because it’s the only one that can be forever.

I also want to sell/donate most of my dolls to free up more space.

SUNDAY, APRIL 10, 2011 Just thought I’d write in between entering sweeps. The sweeps that seem very unlikely that I’m going to go back to winning like I used to. Can’t say I didn’t try, though.

The Beanie Babies didn’t sell. Next we’re trying a huge lot and we’re going to go with parcel post instead of priority mail. This will be a true test as to just how cursed we are since there’s no way this shouldn’t sell.

Believe! That’s what Eileen keeps saying to me. But how can I believe when 80% of the last 3 ½ years have been so shitty? How can I believe when we spend 22 months on Unemployment and then after just 6 months of work we’re laid off again?

I think that people who haven’t had it as bad as we have just don’t realize that it’s not that easy to just “believe.” I know they mean well, but it’s not like we can flick a switch within our brains and believe whatever we want to at will. If that were the case I wouldn’t feel stress, depression, frustration and such an extreme loss of faith, even if I’d only be kidding myself in believing things will work out. And they just may work out in the end, too. But in “working out” that probably means a few months on the job after God knows how many more months of struggling to find one in the first place and trying to make ends meet. All we’ve done since coming to California is just go round and round in circles. I’m coming to hate it here, but if a person is cursed, wouldn’t they just get the same results no matter where they lived?

The stress which has turned into depression is killing my motivation to work out and lose weight. I’ve gained back 17 of the 30 pounds I lost. All lost weight eventually finds its way back home, but why don’t I care? Why can’t I get myself to want to diet and exercise? How much more must I gain back before I finally get my ass in gear in that department?

Instead, all I want to do lately is eat, sleep, write and listen to music when I’m not entering sweeps or doing what work I can do online. Today, though, I got a lot more sleep for the depression. I crashed around 5am and then the sound machine broke and woke me up around noon. The old, ancient portable one did, not the off-tuned radio station on the stereo. Then I fell back asleep and got up around 2pm. I was up for about an hour, and then fell back asleep till around 4:00. Then I got up, fell back asleep around 6:00 and didn’t get up till 8:00. Am I really that depressed that I had to spend most of a 15-hour period sleeping?

During my second round of sleep, I had a dream of being in a tiny, old dump laid out sort of in a square like the dump we rented in Oregon. There was a room on each corner – two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen. I was in one of the bedrooms which seemed bigger than the bedrooms in the house actually were and saw rivulets of water leaking down part of one wall. I ran to tell Tom about it but saw that he was asleep on the living room couch. I changed my mind and decided not to bother waking him up for something I simply didn’t want to deal with anyway. So I let it leak and went to change the rat’s cage which was also in the bedroom. That’s when I noticed that all our digital clocks simply had the number 4 for the hour, but no minutes visible. Number 4, the real 13.

Was he laid off as a means of protecting Jesse? I wonder that. Seriously, maybe Tom was meant to lose his job as a means of trapping us here so Jesse doesn’t go further into the hole financially. Had he been hired on and given a raise recently, we just may have moved this summer. On the other hand, I would think Jesse would be able to re-rent this place in just a month or two.

If we were smart we’d take our pension money and make this place as comfortable as we possibly could and just stay here forever. If we live long enough to get it, that is. I’m sure Jesse wouldn’t mind having life-long tenants, and it would certainly be safer. The dogs only bark once or twice a week for a few hours now instead of every day for 10 hours like they used to, and even if Tom got a great job with great pay – well – all good things do come to an end, so it’s better to just stay put than take risks. I’m sure Jesse would let us paint and recarpet and personalize the place to our tastes and comfort as money permitted. It’s something to think about. We’d certainly never have to worry about neighbors being just a few feet away from us in this place.

I like different people’s marketing ideas for my book. Eileen suggested a TV or radio station, Maliheh suggested YouTube, and Mitch suggested another self-publishing company that I guess has better features and pays 85% royalties. I appreciate their suggestions, but right now we have more pressing issues at hand than trying to get my book to sell. And also, good writers that aren’t great simply aren’t good enough for big sales. I need to keep on improving.

Maliheh said people were freaked out about the government shutdown and says people are starting to struggle where she is and that if it weren’t for the army base nearby, Fayetteville wouldn’t exist.

I wonder what’s up with Christine. She hasn’t been to my blog since Thursday and hasn’t replied to my email.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2011 Sandy finally made it into my blog, though she only scanned the first page from what I could tell. She must not have gotten the message till a short while ago because her friend count just went up. Larry and Jenny may not have gotten their own messages yet, though I think it’s unlikely that they haven’t. I’m just surprised none of them have blocked me, especially Jenny.

Molly’s latest hilarious entry which included two more “letters” to Alison and Roman, said she hasn’t been spying on Alison because she’s “been asleep for a few days,” LOL.

Her “letter” to Roman starts off with, “The reason I don’t want to talk to you,” yet she’s talking to him in her blog. shakes head What a nut. Just what a nut.

I was feeling a little down last night and reached out to Nane, asking if she wanted to chat come morning time her time, but not surprisingly, she’s blown me off. I’ll probably get a little “smile” or a “hug” tomorrow or the next day to make up for it. I guess I can’t blame her, though. I mean, what can she do other than listen to me vent? If no one here in my own country can help me, then how could anyone in Germany help me? They could momentarily cheer me up and even make me laugh, but they couldn’t fix the problem at hand and lift the curse that’s been on us so we could actually get ahead for once and stay ahead for more than 5 minutes. She probably had to work, too.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the reason he didn’t get the job he wanted – his age or his color – and he thinks it’s because he worked so long as a manager and most people feel that because of it he wouldn’t be happy doing menial tasks.

So much for thinking experience gets you ahead, if he’s right. Don’t you just love it when others take it upon themselves to decide for us what we’d like, not like, want, or not want in life?

Still only one sale. I was really hoping more of my Facebook friends would be interested, but I guess not. And it doesn’t look like the Beanie Babies are going to sell either.

Although I still don’t like the idea of the aches and pains that often come with old age, I want to grow old and die of natural causes while surrounded by people who care about me. But I know this is just a dream like any other I’ve ever had in life, and that my quest for security is a joke. Never will I have even the simplest house where we’re both insured and neither of us has to wonder if we’re going to make it. Instead, here I am, still wondering if we’re going to be alive this summer. Will we be? And if we are, how about next winter? At the same time, it seems something wants us to just barely get by so we can live to be teased, picked on and punished.

It seems we’ve fallen into a regular pattern of wondering if we’re going to survive and we just can’t break this pattern. I wasn’t kidding when I said I missed some of my old problems. They were depressing and frustrating, but they were safer and less scary. Yet it seems the past only comes back to haunt us when it’s in a bad way.

I just want to be happy. I want to laugh, joke and live comfortably. Not like a queen in a mansion surrounded by tons of luxuries; just comfortable enough. I want to go back to worrying about things like my weight, not whether or not we may have to kill ourselves in a few months to avoid homelessness. Each year we continue to struggle, the more I lose faith and the more certain I am that things will never change and that this is what’s meant to be for us. I just don’t know what we did to deserve it.

For now, since I can’t seem to motivate myself to work out, I’m going to get some proofreading done of old journals, but I’m no longer going about it the way I had been by reading them word for word. Now I’m just running a grammar/spell checker through the files.

Later…

I’m sitting here wondering how the hell I’m going to market my book. How can I gain publicity, thus buyers?

If just half a million people in a country of what has over 250 million people would buy it, we’d never have to worry about money again. sighs But this book isn’t the greatest and no one knows who I am. I may be pretty good, but I still need to improve my grammar and things like that. Tom said I should also stop writing stories with characters based on people I know and events based on things I’ve actually experienced.

I almost wish I were suddenly famous or infamous for some reason or another, but without all the other shit that would go with it. If I were suddenly arrested for murder like Amanda Knox was, then people would be driven to buy it out of curiosity. So I need to think of a hook – one much less extreme – that would generate sales. But how? What can I do? How can I pique people’s curiosity since I’m not already a well-known writer?

Eileen suggested I see if a local TV or radio station would have me on as a guest to help promote my book, but I don’t see why they’d care to help promote me out of millions of other writers who are now turning to Kindle. It’s becoming a common thing for writers to bypass traditional publishers altogether and go straight to Kindle. I’m just one person floating about in a sea of thousands and thousands of other writers.

I could sit here and fantasize about becoming some sort of hero by maybe rescuing some people from some kind of disaster and getting publicity that way, but that’s just not going to happen.

And so I’ll probably only sell a few more copies, if even that, and we’ll go on to struggle. It’s really quite a pisser to know that the only way to get a guaranteed roof over your head, food in your tummy, and all the medical care in the world is to do something bad enough to land yourself in prison for life.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2011 Although I’m trying and trying to shake it, I’m kind of depressed right now. Nothing we’re doing to try to help ourselves seems to be working yet. We have no bids on the Beanie Babies and I’ve only made one book sale so far. I didn’t expect much in the way of book sales since I’m not well known, but it still would’ve been nice to make more than one sale.

Marie did reply to the message I sent her about the book. She was happy for me and seems to be doing well except for a leg injury. She said she wouldn’t email me unless I email her as she knows I don’t want to go back to the constant messages. She said she’d go read my book, but I don’t think she realized she can’t “read” it without buying it, and that I was saying I got a book published for sale, but that’s ok.

She’s also with someone she says she’s marrying this July. I hope she’s happy and that things work out for her. Despite the stress and annoyance she put me through, I doubt I could ever dislike her. I think a part of me will always love her.

I’d say David definitely got my message too, LOL, since someone in Mesa, Arizona did a search for me and stumbled onto my blog. I could see what pages were accessed, but there’s no way to know which pages he himself accessed. Since all but one of the other visitors were regulars, I’d say it probably was he who accessed my archive and photo albums. Only about 5 older entries were accessed. I wonder if he’ll come back, though I doubt it.

Although I didn’t get up till close to 2pm, the day was filled with outside annoyances, though I’m not sure Jesse had anything to do with any of it. A wood chipper was annoying me for a while, then I heard what sounded like a ball bouncing which took me on an unpleasant trip down Memory Lane and back to Phoenix. There I got to enjoy 5-hour basketball games regularly that were just a few feet from our windows. They might as well have been bouncing the damn ball off the wall of our house, that’s how loud and obnoxious it was.

Jesse does have concrete at the front of his house, and while the thumping was relatively soft, it was annoying enough. I first thought his kid was bouncing a ball in front of his place, but it was actually someone hammering in the distance.

Then it was off to run the weed whacker, which I think probably was Jesse. Stupid of him too, since we might get a little more rain this month before it stops till the fall.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that Jesse’s not doing too well either. Of course he’s doing much better than us in that he has land, a nice house with adequate space, more than one vehicle, etc., but he too, has no income coming in at the moment. He’s still trying to get on either disability or retirement. But at least he could borrow money, as we know he did for that little car. We have no one to borrow from, and not having any income other than what we make online is pretty scary. I know I don’t have to take it, though, and that I can end it anytime. I don’t have to take another 30-40 years of this shit.

Sometimes I want to throw myself on the bed and cry, but the tears just won’t come. If bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people so much of the time as is what seems to be the case, do I have to hurt someone to get ahead?

I’m just depressed. Too depressed to care about things like dieting, exercising, language studies and things like that. Right now I’m only focused on how to either make money or save money. Besides my writing, of course, but sometimes even that’s hard to concentrate on.

Being aware of my “life sentence” of struggling in other people’s tiny places is one thing, accepting it is another. Why can’t I just cram reality down my throat and move on?!

I hate older places not just because I prefer the looks of modern places but because they tend to have more problems. So I try to at least be glad we don’t have to be the ones to pay to fix things as they break around here.

Paula called and even she’s doing better than us. Her weather was nicer, her court case might be dismissed, she’s been granted section 8 housing, and she met a “great” guy in a chat room who lives in Sacramento. She was glad to hear about the book, but can’t access the link to that which I enclosed in an email, or my blog because she doesn’t know how to enable links. Hopefully, Justin can set that up for her.

Molly’s still staying away, now claiming that she “learned” from her doctor today that not everyone is going to like her. Wow, you mean it took her 27 years to figure that out? That’s kind of sad. But she’ll get hit with amnesia soon enough. I really think she’s got this sick addiction for bothering those who don’t like her, much in the way I did with the pranks 20 years ago, which she struggles with and has to fight the urges constantly. She’s been the way she is for nearly a decade that I know of, so who knows how long it will go on?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2011 Got my first book sale! It’s probably Christine, Eileen or Andy, and my sales will probably drop off to nothing once my friends help themselves, but it’s still pretty cool either way. Poor Mitch, though, LOL. The guy has no sales yet.

Perhaps another reason it’s not that exciting to me besides the fact that everything else in life sucks, is because it’s not a regular book. It’s a lot like selling something on eBay instead, only it’s something I made.

Eileen was busy with her grandkids, so that’s why she didn’t respond right away. She’s sorry about Tom losing his job but psyched about the story and said she’d download it to her Kindle. I don’t know if Christine has a Kindle, but even though I offered to give her a free copy since she’s a friend, she said she’d rather buy it and loves to read anyway. That is so cool of them! Some are posting the link to the book on their Facebook pages.

Nothing from Tammy yet, though it occurred to me that she might be jealous over something like this. Anything artistic tends to do that to her, LOL, though bookwriting isn’t the same as singing, so who knows? It could be that she’s upset that I haven’t talked to her on the phone, but who cares?

I “dropped” my book link on his brother David. He’s the only one of Tom’s siblings/in-laws I could find, besides his two kids. I even let Marie know, though I have a feeling I may regret that one if I hear back from her.

Not sure how the hell I did it, but I managed to sleep through Jesse coming down to fix the pipe. He said something about coming down to do additional work, and tomorrow we’re supposed to have thunderstorms, so I’m sure my sleep will still be disrupted at some point. Now’s when I hate to be on nights and I hate to be on days. On nights I don’t sleep well, on days I don’t get enough time alone with him out of work. I haven’t had any time alone since I got up 9 hours ago. I hate that! I just want to be ALONE! Gotta get used to it, though, since it’s going to be months before he’s working again.

We listed a lot of 6 Beanie Babies on eBay, so hopefully we can start selling them off lot by lot.

I’m going to send my folks excerpts from the book, some jokes, and a screenshot of the book at the online store. Just not until we have extra money for stamps. I don’t want to spend money on anything we don’t need right now.

Here’s Molly’s latest load of bull. She erased all her other entries, but she does that regularly. I’ve come to know her well enough to know that her words won’t mean much for long. The last sentence alone tells me she’s still hoping to “win” us over. I just don’t get why I’m lumped in as one of her “former friends.” Is she delusional as well as lacking in self-respect that she’s got to seek out negative attention from those she knows hate her?

Molly wrote that she was not in a healthy state of mind during the years she bothered her former friends. She said she was sorry for her past actions online, admitting she didn’t know how to stop herself. She apologized for what she did and said online to people and hopes for reconciliation. She claims she recognizes that she wasn’t thinking rationally when online and now wants harmony without conflict or name-calling.

TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2011 I called to wish my dad a happy 80th birthday. Ma was on the line too, but I mostly talked with dad, as usual. He sounded chipper enough for being the old man he now is, as amazing and as sad as that sounds. They had a dry spell, I guess, and said they got some much-needed rain today that was to stop by the time they went out for dinner.

Dad’s hopeful for book sales and says to get everything we can get, assistance-wise. Yeah, it’s looking like we’ll have to, unfortunately. I appreciate whatever help we can get, but still, we didn’t come here to be a couple of welfare bums. I’m not sure which was the bigger mistake, moving to Oregon or moving to California. Life is so not what we plan it to be. But sadly, we are where we’re meant to be which is basically nowhere. In 5 years, if we’re still around, we’ll still be broke and uninsured. Same with 10 and 20 years from now. It’s like a life sentence of sorts that’s been handed down to us where we must spend 80% of our lives struggling to survive.

They’re sending another IHOP GC which is so nice of them, so we at least have that to look forward to since there’s no extra money for eating out. We don’t usually do that much anyway. It’s bad for our diets, and most restaurants are pretty wild these days unless you go in the middle of the night or early morning when the animals disguised as children are less likely to be out and about.

I told them a little about the weather, what we found out about the county and the dentist, and our plans to give the Beanie Babies another go on eBay. We’re going to list them tomorrow, so long as nothing comes up to mess with our plans.

I’ve been tired for most of the day because I barely slept 6 hours cuz of the stress. Tomorrow I’ll also be in for some more shitty sleep because there’s a slight leak in the pipe going into the trailer, so Jesse’s coming back down to fix it. Tom told him I’d be asleep till noon, but I’m sure he’ll wake me up anyway. Especially since I may need to sleep past noon. I guess the worst-case scenario is he wakes me up while he’s here, then I go back to sleep. Lost sleep or not, at least it’s another reason to be glad we don’t have our own place and probably never will.

Despite all the fuss the guy at the temp agency made and the way he got Tom all hopeful, he’s been completely blown off, probably because he’s older and white. I’m not surprised as I said before since we’re not allowed any short-term problems in life. He’ll be out of work for months.

I had wondered if something up there would drive us to our deaths to keep us from our pension fund, but if it kills us then it can’t have all this fun cursing us, so we just may get to live after all. Then it can just screw us out of the money somehow instead. As of yet, though, there’s just over a year to go and no one’s notified Tom of any significant changes or problems.

A close friend was saying that she could relate to the stress I’m going through, but as sad as it may sound, it actually gets easier each time something up there feels the need to get a kick out of teasing me with my survival. Oh, I’m still stressing, but another 4 or 5 layoffs and I just might be a real expert at dealing with this shit.

The bird’s nest I discovered on the porch rafters a while ago gives me a spark of hope, too. I guess it’s an oriental thing where they consider the discovery of a bird’s nest nearby a sign of good luck to come (unless old nests don’t count, since these birds seem to be reusing an old nest). Someone told me that last year when I discovered the nest when it was first created. A little over two months later he had a job. So we’ll see what happens in the next 60-70 days. There’s been lots of deer and jackrabbits out and about too, which makes sense this time of year. It’s no longer cold and rainy, but it’s not hot yet either. Unfortunately, we’re going to have another cold snap where it might even rain. This means we’ll need to use more propane. sighs

As I told some people, it’s hard to really enjoy the excitement of getting my book published with all this other shit going on. It just hasn’t hit me yet that I can no longer say I’m just a homemaker or just a “semi-published” writer. I’m a real author now. For real. I may not make shit for sales, but this “pro” status is definitely gonna take time to sink in.

I told Tammy, Eileen and Sharyn about it, and was surprised not to have heard back from Tammy and Eileen. Sharyn told me it wasn’t her that was divorced 4 times. She was actually married to a guy for 15 years. I felt like such an idiot! Obviously, I read the wrong article. She was featured with a few others and I guess I was reading up on the wrong person or something. Anyway, she wished me luck with the book.

Nothing from Larry, Sandy and Jenny still. They not only haven’t viewed my blog, but they haven’t even blocked me. I’m surprised. Then again, maybe they figure that would be giving me a “reaction” they don’t want to give me if they did, same with why the black bitch didn’t block me.

I haven’t even heard from Maliheh lately.

Upon closer inspection of Larry’s page, one of his “interests” is “being with the people I love, with Stephanie.”

Well, Stephanie, who is also on his friend list, is a definite child woman. From the looks of her picture, she can’t be a day over 18.

Tom finally got his own Facebook account, but only for the sake of getting free stuff. He set everything to ‘friends only’ so no one contacts him.

As for the troll, it took a day off today from viewing my blog, but her friend/ ex-friend in Savannah, GA just checked in. Molly spent the day bitching about Roman instead, a local guy who’s been trying to get her to leave him alone.

I’m sick of the constant change on all the sites I use! As soon as I get used to doing something a particular way they run and change it. I hate change! Changing background images is one thing, but the way they change things around and make me have to hunt for where the features are now located and all that shit really annoys the hell outa me.

MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2011 My book is almost published and ready for sale. For some strange reason, they publish it in stages over about 72 hours. So the book’s there, but there’s no pricing info yet. I selected the lowest price of $2.99 since it’s my first novel and I’m still a nobody. Once Amazon takes its cut I’ll pocket $2.00.

I will have to have Nane, Adonis and Mitch see if it’s available for purchase in their countries. It should be, but I don’t know for sure.

Nane sent me pretty pink flowers on Facebook and congratulated me after I told her about it on her wall and sent her flowers as well. She asked if it could be translated into German, but I don’t know that there’s any kind of automatic translator.

We’re also going to have to edit out Tom’s name. Even though we listed him as the illustrator, the cover page says it’s by both of us which leads one to think we both wrote the book itself. It says I’m the author and he’s the illustrator only when you click on the book.

Also, the cover doesn’t make for the greatest thumbnail. We should’ve used the same bright red for my name since you can barely see it. There should’ve been more contrast between the trees and sky, but hey, it’s our first time doing this.

It pisses me off that I have to be careful where I post my book link, but thanks to Molly I can’t just drop it anywhere and everywhere. I’m sure she’ll still find it. As dumb as she may be overall, she’s proven to have an amazing talent for finding the people she stalks, among other things.

Then again, fuck it. I’m going to post it where I want. That would be letting her control me by not posting it where I wanted. Hopefully, she won’t use it as a weapon to harass me.

I said she was probably harmless, but the more I read the craziness in her blog, the more I wonder if perhaps she’s really a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. And how does she know I’ve been reading it? Does she have a tracker there or something? I’m just wondering because, in one of her “letters” to Alison, she asks why her friends read her blog. But yeah, it’s so crazy that it’s almost funny. She groups us all together and includes me in her list of “former friends,” and goes back and forth like crazy on her feelings and actions. I’ve never seen anyone swing up and down and be so damn contradicting like she is. One minute she just loves Alison, the next she’s badmouthing her. She also swings back and forth between admitting she “spies” on us because she’s bored and lonely, and then insisting she’ll never bother again because online friends are a “waste of time.” She talks about panic attacks and having all kinds of anger and other negative emotions. It’s hard to believe she held a job for 7 years as she also claims as an usher in a movie theater. Wonder why she quit. She claims she was raped over a year ago. Maybe this is part of what’s driving her batty, along with this guy in her town she wants a relationship with that wants nothing to do with her.

It doesn’t look like Tom’s going to get that job after all. I’m not surprised either. I knew it was too good to be true and that nothing lets us suffer for that short of a time. It’ll probably be months before he gets something. Meanwhile, we’ll just have to play the Unemployment game again, sit back and endure the rough ride ahead, and watch the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months.

Thanks, God. Just thanks.

The dreams I had pretty much told me we weren’t going to get any good news today, though they weren’t as scary as that dream where the riot was closing in on me.

In one dream the phone rang, I answered, and a woman said something about Tom’s applying for a job at a warehouse. I repeated the message to Tom who was nearby and he said, “Oh yeah, a warehouse,” and took the phone from me. A second later a black woman was there who supposedly had something to do with the job, but then she disappeared. I asked Tom what the caller and the visitor wanted and he said he didn’t know and that he wasn’t sure.

The bad dream, though it had nothing to do with work and money, took place in some house. It looked like a real house anyway and was much bigger. I seemed to be working on some major project, be it cleaning, decorating, packing or unpacking. I had stuff scattered everywhere and music blasting. At one point I looked behind me to find the screen door to a slider open and thought it a bit odd. I guess Tom shouldn’t have been home at that time. I stepped over to the slider. The sun was setting and I could see the silhouette of what I first thought was Tom in a fairly good-sized backyard. But then the person started running away right as I heard loud banging from inside the house. I woke up trying to decide whether or not to chase the person who was running or deal with whoever was in the house.

A woman did come down here today, though she wasn’t black, and it definitely had nothing to do with any job. She just wanted directions. It’s the first time anyone’s ever come down to ask us, too.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2011 This is it, folks! My book has been accepted for publication and so now begins the exciting countdown to when it’s actually available for sale! It will be available in e-book form only. Not paperback. You don’t need a Kindle to read it, but you will need a Kindle reader which is a free application you can download that will enable you to read it in Word. I will post the link as soon as I get it, probably tomorrow. Buy it and I’ll be your friend for life. :)

Andy’s all excited about it, but I don’t think he realized at first that it’s not going to be available in print. The only way to really get it “in print” would be to print out a copy from Word. I explained to him about the program he can download to read it without a Kindle.

Now if only – if only – Tom could get his own good news tomorrow! I’d give up this whole book thing for him to get the job he wants! It would be such awesome money and I know he would love the convenience the closeness would bring instead of having to drive 45 minutes each way to Grass Valley. We’re still pretty hopeful and I know my good mood will help. I also know now’s a good time to enter sweeps with the way my mood tends to “influence” things in a more extreme way.

As soon as I have the link to my book I’ll start spreading the word and hope others will too! I never would’ve thought I’d get a book published, regardless of the method. All I’ve gotten published before that I’ve actually been paid for was super short stories, articles and reviews. I guess it’s no longer true to say I’m a “semi-published” author, LOL.

Still no poem reviews, not that it matters much, but I got a nice comment on my current book. They said they were glad I posted more of the story and are looking forward to the ending. If life will soon be returning to normal for us, I can get on with that soon enough.

Had someone told me I’d write a story with Maliheh as one of the lead characters, even if I’d change her name, and that she’d know about it and suggest publishing it, I’d have laughed my ass off so hard! ROTFL! I just hope no assholes like Molly post nasty comments in the review section.

Speaking of assholes, no blog views from Jenny, Larry or Sandy. I’m kind of surprised too, though I realize there’s a chance they may not have picked up my message yet. None of them have blocked me yet, so who knows?

Leaving a comment on Alison’s Thoughts blog through Facebook created a new account for me. rolls eyes So I had to run and block Molly since Molly already found Alison’s new account, and when she checks her blog/comments, she’ll find mine. I’m not going to go back to blogging there in the near future.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2011 The weekend has been going agonizingly slow as we wait and hope that Monday brings a turnaround in our luck – him with a job and me with my book which we submitted for publication a few hours ago. We changed the synopsis but didn’t bother with dedications. Tom did a great job with the cover. I listed him as my illustrator under contributions.

No bad vibes or dreams lately. The two-story house dreams are back, but I don’t think they mean anything. As long as I don’t have any nightmares! Marie and whatever his name was are renting their two-story house down in “Cluster Park,” as I call it. They’re the people who asked if we had a dog on our way out one day and said some dog was keeping them up all night. Let me guess – they’re leaving because they couldn’t get the owners to take responsibility for shutting it up and of course they won’t tell any prospective renters about it, right? Either way, I always did say it was a lousy location down there by the main road where there’s a cluster of houses. That’s why I call it Cluster Park. It kind of defeats the purpose of moving out to the country if you’re just going to have neighbors on top of you. You might as well stay in the city if you’re not going to get any breathing space around you. I guess sometimes you can’t escape everything by running to the country. Barking is just as bad here as it is in the city.

They called off the rain we were supposed to have tomorrow and it wasn’t nearly as warm today. We haven’t needed heat all day but we couldn’t open windows either. Tiny yellow and purple wildflowers are all over the land now and it looks really cool, but the Cali oaks are late this year in budding new leaves. During our first two summers here we could leave the windows open all the time starting in mid-June. Last year it was a week after mid-June. Hopefully, it won’t be even later this year.

My Nane story has had hundreds of reads on Booksie yet hasn’t received one single comment yet. No one’s commented on my poems either.

Still sweeping away like crazy too, but don’t know if it’ll be like old times, so to speak. Not with all the people entering these days and there being fewer sweeps to enter. One sweep listed their odds. My chance of winning a lousy duffle bag these days is 1 in 75,000. Yet I was chosen out of 7,000 other entries for the cruise in 2006. If I don’t get any win notices by the time my 3-month subscription expires, I’ll give up sweeping once again. Sure hope I won’t have to, though!

Found Jenny C and her one friend on Facebook, LOL. I sent a message saying: You still fucking my brother?

That ought to shock her, LOL. I don’t expect or want a reply from the selfish, conceited bitch. Can’t say she hasn’t aged well, though, cuz she has. She’s got her hair dyed blondish now and she’s still slim. Guess she lives in the same house in West Springfield (both her parents are no doubt dead by now) and she has a cleaning business.

Wowee, I just found Larry and Sandy. Only, not surprisingly, they appear to be divorced since Larry’s coming up as living in Southwick and Sandy’s still in Feeding Hills. I’m not surprised at all. I’m only surprised it didn’t happen 20 years ago. My brother, as he himself admitted, is quite a slut.

Here’s what I wrote about him and Jenny in my blog (but not Sandy), assuming they check it out:

Found an old “friend” from something like 20 years and 3000 miles ago that I looked up online out of curiosity. I don’t care to ever be her friend again as I remember her to be rather selfish and conceited (not that I was or am perfect myself as I can get pretty damn selfish, too) any more than I’d want to be buds with my hypocrite of a brother again despite his great sense of humor (and he’s one of the funniest guys I ever knew), but I do wish her the very best in life. According to the one picture I saw of her, I’d say she’s aged quite well.

Speaking of my brother, OMG he pissed me the fuck off so badly back when I was 21 and again when I was around 32. I was young, dumb, naive and scared of just about everything at 21, but had he lived nearby when he pissed me off as bad as he did in the late 90s, not even his size could’ve saved him had I gone storming over to his place on account of it! How could someone piss me off so bad that could be so damn funny at the same time??? I’ve always wondered about this. Really, that guy could make even the most serious of people laugh their asses off until tragedy struck and he seemed to take it out on just about everyone. And why did he have to screw every single female friend I ever introduced him to? Oh well. Now he’s divorced, single and free by the looks of it, so live it up and play the field, dude! You ain’t getting any younger.

Talk about the ultimate karma, LOL! I wonder if they’ve ever looked me up?

I also found their daughter Jennifer, who looks very beautiful and has studied nursing. I didn’t message her, though.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011 Here’s a little freeform-ish poem I wrote earlier today. The words just came to mind and so I jotted them down. Tom and Mitch liked it.

At Seventeen

At seventeen I had high hopes and dreams. But someone tried to murder me at seventeen. I lived for the moment, never worried about the future. The future would take care of itself, I was sure. But then I grew up and stepped into a whole different world. Disappointment, desperation and a loss of hope left my mind in a whirl. All the while there was hardly a dull moment at any point during the ride. Up, down, left, right go the adventures and heartaches of my life. Almost missed out on some things thanks to the person who nearly took my life. Bad news always has me slipping back in time, wanting to end it all. It’s so much easier to skip out on the chaos that sometimes befalls. But things have a way of working out in the end somehow, some way. And so I’m a former singer who was meant to be an author these days. I write and I write as I always have so much to tell. Funny thing too, for my would-be killer was myself.

Later…

The interview went well, though we won’t know anything for sure until Monday. Tom has a way of being overly optimistic, but I don’t have a bad feeling, and they did give him the paperwork and tell him where the company he might work for is located. This is something they don’t normally do unless they’re going to hire you for sure, he said. He may have to take a drug test here in town. These days they just swab your mouth. Sure wish they had that when I was on probation. Having to piss in front of someone for something you didn’t do was a real bitch. I won’t even get to thinking right now about those days of getting off for the things I was actually guilty of and being made to pay for the things I wasn’t guilty of.

Meanwhile, it sucks to have to wait and hope over the weekend, but he feels 80% certain that he’ll get at least one of the positions they need filled. It’s just a matter of whether or not he gets the one he wants most. He’ll take anything, even if it’s minimum wage or part-time or both, but getting over two grand take-home would sure be nice.

And it would get us wondering, once again, if we should move or not. That would be a tough one as both staying and going have their pros and cons. As I told someone the other day, there are two different types of people in this world. There are the smart ones who follow their heads and do what’s safest, then there are the stupid ones (like myself) who follow their hearts and take risks. I still don’t get how I got to be such an adventurer, LOL! Tom said he’d rather be miserable with me than have it all alone and I agree. :) Right now we’re not miserable, and I hope we don’t get there. I hope my bawling my eyes out like I did the Wednesday before last will end up being all for nothing.

Anyway, the company he wants to work for is only open Monday through Thursday, so that’s why we may have to wait till Monday to find out anything. The person who makes the final decision wasn’t there today and the girl was mistaken when she told him he might start today. If he gets the job he’ll work 10-12 hours a day, starting at 4pm.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though it’s so hard not to. If he got this job then his being laid off would turn out to be a blessing in disguise, not something that usually happens to us. Usually, when something bad happens it’s to punish us and inflict some kind of pain and suffering upon us. At least that’s how it seems. And our setbacks in life usually aren’t this short either, so that’s why I don’t want to get too ahead of myself on the thought of being able to stop worrying about money again, or being able to call the propane people out to fill us up, or being able to decide if we want to move or not.

Tentatively, we should be able to submit my book to the submissions department tomorrow. Tom’s still working on the cover. In his opinion, it’s not my best work. He says it’s well written, but the story’s about a 7, and the ending is about a 5. He didn’t like my surprise ending which came to me in a dream, LOL, but that’s ok.

[elslittlestories]

Read between the lines #3

Chapter 3 of this short story from my nursery AU is online!

A whole new world

Word count : 1078 Tech's POV

Tech doesn't understand how he's supposed to read the blurry lines

Sets in my AU where the genetically enhanced clones spend the firsts weeks of their life in a segregated nursery on Kamino. Tech and Wrecker are alone at the nursery at this stage of the story.

Read on AO3 (Go back to chapter 1 or chapter 2)

1

Nurse Dita is sitting next to me—smells of soap and toothpaste. I try not to think too much about it. She said she wanted to help, but I don’t think she can. I’m defective…

I feel the tug in my stomach, the one that means bad emotions—she said negative, not bad—although I’m not sure which. Should I ask her? But how could she know? She’s not in my mind.

“Square root for 7225,” asks the virtual teacher.

I tap 85 and the screens lights up green. Under 5 seconds. That’s good, but not enough to ease the knot in my guts.

“Correct. Solve the equation.”

I tense. The numbers and signs are written in small characters that all blur with each other. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to be able to read them. I squint my eyes. Is it a 8 or a 9 ? I tilt the data pad. I’m almost certain the left part of the equation is a multiplication. Either 8 or 9 by 5 or 6…or maybe 8 as well. Then the right part is…12x?

My leg bounces under the table as I calculate all the possibilities. The answer ought to be a whole number—they always have been so far—in which case it’s either 2 or 4. The knot tightens. My leg bounces harder. 2 or 4. 2 or 4. 2 or 4. 2 or—let’s try with 2.

The screen turns red. I wince.

“Wrong. The answer to 8 x 6 = 12x was…x = 4. Solve this-”

I stare at the frozen screen. Nurse Dita touched a blurry square in the left corner and the teacher stopped mid-sentence. I wasn’t aware I could do that.

“Do you want to try again,” she asks. “See if you can find the right answer this time?”

“I would have found it if the teacher had said it out loud,” I mumble.

“What do you mean?”

I shift on my seat. She squeezes my shoulder.

“I…I don’t understand how to make the numbers not blurry…”

“Blurry?”

“Yes,” I say, a little annoyed.

She’s not CT-9732 [ndla: Wrecker], why do I need to explain the obvious to her?

She grabs a book from the shelf behind us—the one we use when we learned how to read—and opens a random page.

“Can you read this?”

I lean over and squint my eyes to read — large, bold, fuzzy letters.

“The banthas live in packs.”

She closes the book and flips it to point at the back cover.

“And this?”

I glance at her. The printing is faulty !

“Does it look blurry,” she asks.

I nod—She said “look”. Can’t she see it ?

“I can’t believe I missed that,” she exclaims, making CT-9732 jump from the other side of the table. “Come with me, Honey.”

Missed what? —I can’t leave now!

“But I’m not done with my lesson.”

“It can wait,” she insists.

I don’t quite agree, but I indulge her. I still don’t understand who would sell a book with a faulty back cover—She leads me to the infirmary, sits me on a padded bench and leaves me there. Zee hovers next to her as they both set up a machine in front of me. I've never seen this one before.

“What is it?” I ask.

“This is an optometric station,” answers Zee.

“We’re going to test your eyesight, Honey. I think you might need glasses to see properly.”

Fascinating!

2

My legs swing under the bench as I wait for Zee to finish polishing the lenses. Nurse Dita left me with them after my tests to go check on CT-9732 and they told me all about refractive error correction.

I am astigmatic! The curve of my cornea is faulty, therefore the light entering my eyes does not focus at one single point. Hence the blur and the light streaks! But the glasses Zee is making will correct that and soon I’ll be able to see like everybody does! I’ll be able to read and complete all the exercises!

I watch Zee’s every move as they mount the lenses on the glasses. I squirm on my sit. When they finally hand them to me, I almost drop them in excitement. The branches are too loose, the glasses won’t stay in place, but it doesn’t matter. I can fully see…

It’s like a whole new world appeared in front of me! The markings on the machine that used, the details of Zee’s weld. I slide off the bench—the glasses shift down my nose, I pull them up—to look around everywhere. To read everything my eyes come across. It’s so easy!

“The mount seems to need readjustment,” says the droid hovering next to me, “I can correct that.”

“We should test CT-9732’s eyes as well,” I tell them as I reluctantly give them the glasses.

“That is not part of the mandatory examination.”

“It should be. I needed it.”

“According to my data, sight efficiency is verifiable through genetic screening and that is the method used on all clones.”

“Well, obviously the method isn’t sufficient,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“It appears so.”

“Then why can’t you test CT-9732 ?”

Zee stop their work and turn to me.

“I suppose we could.”

“I’ll get him,” I shout.

I run to the playroom where Nurse Dita and CT-9732 are playing with the cubes—stacking them up then wrecking everything since that the only way he likes it—, and grab my brother’s arm.

“Come one! Zee’s going to test your eyes!”

“What’s wrong with my eyes?” he asks as he sits up.

I drag him to the infirmary and push him onto the bench. He stares at the machine then back at me. Oh, right!

“Don’t worry, the machine doesn’t have needles.”

Nurse Dita puts her hand on my shoulder. I look up to smile at her, she smiles back. It feels warm inside of me, I’ll have to ask her what it means later. She helps my brother settle his face on the machine and we wait for Zee to perform the tests. I bounce on my feet until the machine turns off, then stares at the droid.

“Perfect results on both eyes,” they state.

“Perfect,” repeats CT-9732.

The tightness grasps on everything inside me. My throat, my stomach, my guts. Nurse Dita takes my brother in her arms and cheers with him. I don’t understand why.

Go to last part

[taylorgraymoore]

December 5, 2023

Below is one more day from my online diary thingy, which I'm posting more regularly on my website (www.taylorgraymoore.com). If you like it, please take a look :D

I'm going to take a break from chronicling Montreal for now and try to catch up to the present, which is getting forgotten. And that forgets the whole point of the project. I need to wait to talk to someone about the next bit, anyway, and have time to chew on it. So, a break.

Anyway, here you go:

Today has been an eventful day, easily the most eventful of the trip so far: it’s nearly 4AM on the 6th now, and the day hasn’t ended. I just got back. I am well and drunk, and it’s far too late to write about any of this. Let me try again tomorrow, or later. Perhaps on the plane. I don’t know when the next time will be: this end of the trip is so compressed, and there is so much happening that these last days, as I look back at them (I’m back in Vancouver now, I couldn’t even finish this on the plane), and it feels like it should have been most of the trip. It was not—it was only the last 50 some-odd hours of a week long visit.

…

Almost everything after this point, this day and the next one at least, I finished after the fact. It got that busy. … So, the texture of the narrative will therefore be somewhat different—I don’t know how, but if I’m writing most of it in Vancouver who knows how long later, that will probably happen. It’s a memoir now, not a diary. Although I’ll still try to pretend—

Today is the day I promised to visit Tom in Lachine. Lachine is far—still technically Montreal proper, although this is only recently the case, but so far west it’s almost the airport, and, apart from passing through making my way to a plane, I have never been there. So I had to look up how to get there, and what time I had to leave if I wanted to get there, hang out a bit, and then get back out with reasonable time left in the evening. I have plans to get out to Verdun in the evening, you see—there’s somebody I want to see.

.I check this. I’ve checked it before, but I want to check again to be sure, and be more exact about it. Seems I’ll have to leave the apartment by 10:45—the earliest I’ve left to go anywhere so far—walk to the metro, get off at Lionel-Groulx and change to a bus. Not so complicated. But it’s a long trip, about an hour, and I always dislike unknown transfers, especially when the bus only comes every half an hour.

(It’s Friday, December 15th right now—the fourth day of waking up at 5am, and I’ve been editing this stuff at about 5pm every day this week, after coming home from the early shift I’ve been waking up at 5 for and settling in. It’s starting to get hard to do this, just from accumulated fatigue. And the texture of these texts is starting to turn into something more uncertain, less spontaneous. I’m less sure if I like it any more; I’m not sure if it’s still—and I HATE using this word but it’s the only one I know that gets the idea across—authentic to what it was meant to be. It’s starting to feel too much like fiction. I’m starting to worry too much about the plot, about scenes, about what I want to convey, and I’m going back and editing too much. I’m going to try to quit that a bit.)

I hadn’t seen Tom in… when was the last time I saw Tom? I don’t even remember. We weren’t so close, but I liked him. I was not always nice enough to him. It would be good to see him again. I had promised to see him before I knew he lived way out in Lachine, but that was fine—I like a good, long journey into the unknown. Fleshing out the map of the city a little. I’m a wanderer at heart, at least when I can do it by bus.

He offered to sell me back the copy of Animal Crossing that I sold him back in 2018, during the worst days at the end when I was selling everything off, mostly old games that I had never wanted to get rid of and wish I still had. (Oh, hey, that must’ve been the last time I’d seen him. Standing across from the old bathhouse at Bagg and St-Laurent waiting to meet him and exchange the game for, what was it, about thirty bucks? It was outside where, in the wee hours of the next morning, I would find that Matvey was saying. The world goes in these circles and places find their meaning that way). I said sure. I would be pleased to get it back—I’d give it to my mom, who had played it more than me. I wasn’t happy to sell a single one of those, and the idea of getting one of them, any of them, back is intensely cathartic. Like the quiet sort of emotional resolution you get at the end of a lot of quiet postmodern novels—a little bit of Earthly perfection.

I want to finish editing the last chapter of the novella before I go, and I do that easily—it’s only a couple of pages long, and I don’t have so many notes to copy out. Want to do that so much because I strongly suspect I will have no more time after I heard out the door that morning.

I have another time after I’m done to finish my coffee and get a 20 from the ATM in the dep directly below me, and then I’m off towards Mont-Royal metro through the snow that I’m already used to again. Enough has fallen and been packed now that I don’t slip so easily anymore. Make a quick phone call to home as I go up Rachel, then I turn onto St-Denis, thinking about how I had always wanted to spend more time on the street and how nice it feels to be walking along it now, and then I slip onto the metro and begin the journey proper. I zip underneath downtown and then out the other side.

Lionel-Groulx is a place I’ve never gone to much except to pass through. It’s where the bus from the airport lets you off, and where you catch it if you’re going out again. Sometimes I also got off here to go to the Super C by the Atwater Market, but that’s about it. I know there’s stuff around here, just the pattern of my life. I think I did go to a cafe near here once, just to have done it. But I associate it with comings and goings.

When I first arrived back after five years in exile, last May, I got out here. It has a power to it if only for that.

It’s one of my favourite stations design wise—looks pretty nice, I like the strange twisted tree sculpture with the faces, and it’s highly functional: an exchange station, the obvious transfers are made by just crossing the platform. Refreshing compared to all the walking in Berri-UQAM and not to mention the twisted labyrinth inside Jean-Talon. (I don’t know Snowdon enough to have an opinion.) Matt raves about it on his website: it’s truly excellent. … Let’s not talk too much about who its named after, other than to say he’s got a nice name.

There’s a bit of confusion when I surface from it, because the bus stop I need had been moved for… some reason that was not clarified. I cross Atwater towards a stop I at first think is what I want, only to find another closed stop. I turn around and see the bus appearing and about to turn towards what I realize is definitely the place I’m supposed to be. But the light changes, I bolt back across Atwater, and I join the line with plenty of time. I board. I sit. The bus pulls away and I water the world go by out the window as we follow the same path as that fabled bus to the airport until pulling out to go to Lachine.

Like I said, have never really been to Lachine. The airport bus passes along the top of it, although on the expressway so you don’t really see it, and I did get a better view on Uber ride once, which went along the streets of Lachine while trying to get me through the airport in time to catch a flight while the expressway was backed up with traffic.

The bus followed the same route as that Uber had for a short while, then turned onto Provost. I enjoy seeing previously unknown streets: it looks like how a lot of Montreal looks, but there are more single-floor detached homes. It’s a little like the South Shore, but not nearly that suburban. I watched a TV show filmed here once, and it looks enough like the East End for you to not notice it isn’t. But it is certainly more out of the way than where I’ve spent most of my time.

I get off at the stop Maps told me to get off at, and begin the trek through the snow to my end destination—one long Montreal block away. I pass a stop for the 90 St-Jacques, which is closer to where I’m going and also goes back to the metro. Maybe a better way to leave—and it goes through NDG, where there’s a bookstore I want to visit. Let’s look into that.

The address I’m headed for is the first building around the corner, when I turn. I walk up the steps and ring the apartment number I’d been given, get buzzed in.

Tom is as I remember him, more or less. Which isn’t a bad thing. We do the exchange for the game, he gets his twenty and the Animal Crossing goes into my bag, and then we sit and play some steam games. for an hour or two. It’s the most relaxed I’ve been in days. I do better than I thought I would, and I wish I did stuff like this more often. I note to myself I should see how many of these I can find on the Switch when I’m back in Van.

But then it’s time to go—we promise to add each other on switch, and I leave to catch that 90 St-Jacques bus. Which runs every fifteen minutes, not every half hour like the other one, apart from just plain being closer, and Tom agrees it’s the better way to go. I leave the building, turn the corner. The buss appears, passes me, pulls up to the stop. I break into a run, dunking under one or two tree branches without slowing down and praying I don’t slip. It sits there. I make it. I sit down to catch my breath—my lungs are still not exactly super happy, so I’m suffering a little—and see the useful digital sign telling me that I had five more minutes and so didn’t need to run.

It’s a more interesting bus route: the same way back along Provost, and then down 1re and Georges-V the way I came, but then instead of joining the Autoroute it instead goes under it and takes me through more that I’d never seen—through Ville St-Pierre and the bottom of Montreal West, along St-Jacques until I recognize Cavendish and here we are in familiar lands again. NDG: I spent a lot of time here, I was in a relationship with someone who lived here for years, and then I even lived here for a week at the very end of things. Even after I had come back to Montreal, it seemed like another thing entirely to go back to NDG, and I didn’t honestly expect to do it. But here I am—for the bookstore.

At Upper Lachine and Melrose I get off the bus. I walk up Melrose, through the tunnel under the tracks, and then continue until I eventually reach Sherbrooke West—which is exactly as I remember it. Why does it seem impossible that it still exists preserved? It should have collapsed like a false vacuum after I last passed by here on the 105. Like a fantasy world one wakes up from, like Koholint Island, gone.

But that’s silly; and nothing has changed. My favourite cafe there closed down during lockdown, but even that is the same on the outside—the sign is still up and everything, just the windows are papered over. I know this because I pass it on the bus when I leave, later, and I’m shocked to see that even that is the same. It must have been held suspended for me, so I could see it again and leave it properly, without fear and without distortion.

The reason why I’m here at all: Encore Books & Records. The third and last bookstore I’m going to to find the Okri book. … have they have it! I hadn’t even planned to come here. Must be fate. They have it, plus a couple of other books I want—Achebe’s No Longer at Ease, which I read shortly thereafter, and then I forget the other one—and a couple of records—Ville Emard Blues Band, plus a Christmas gift for someone—and I make myself glad that I brought a reusable tote back. I prolong my visit a bit longer, because I really did not expect to ever be back here. I take some pictures and send them to Mark, who would love it. Then—I really don’t want to be too late getting back—I head onwards. Walk out to the stop for the 105, wait a good ten minutes for it. Take the trip I remember so well back towards Vendome and the outside world, passing the shuttered Shaika and a past life as I go.

A version of myself died here in 2018. For years after, it really was hard to believe that my life had not somehow ended, that the life I was living in my present was in any way still my own. This bus ride reattaches that death to my continuing life. I don’t think that, then; that’s the artistry brought on by a later week’s reflection; when I disembark outside the totally reconstructed and unrecognizable Vendome, I’m only thinking of how hungry I am.

Back in the Plateau, I get off at Sherbrooke rather than Mont-Royal, so that, on the way back, I can stop off at Le Vieux Europe and get one of their sandwiches. It was on my list of places that I’d always wanted to go to but never did. I also like the walk better: I’m sick of the walk from Mont-Royal, and I want to see Carré St-Louis and the lower bits of the Plateau, I am happy to get to walk along des Pins E and along Roy, go past a not-yet-open Else’s and remember the good and the bad times had in there (mostly good; I only haven’t been there yet because I have decided to wait for Matvey, because it was his place more than mine…)

[veephoenix]

IKIGAI (or A REASON FOR BEING) — CHAPTER ELEVEN

IKIGAI CHAPTER 11 | SERIES MASTERPOST | WORD COUNT: 4.1K

Chapter tags: best friends, graduation, referenced alcohol intake, sexual innuendos, angst, slight comfort amidst the drama.

CHAPTER 11

Lia is 18. Noah is 19.

Lia looked down at the white stilettos adorning her feet. She bit her lip and after too much thought, she shook her head and let the fabric of the dress fall.

“No, I can’t wear this. I’ll be more comfortable with my boots,” she declared, her voice showing a hint of nervousness.

“Lia, my dear,” said Hana with a raised brow. She was standing behind Lia, her reflection also there in the mirror but slightly shorter than Lia’s. “You cannot wear your old boots to your prom.” 

“Of course I can,” she replied, lifting her head to make eye contact with the old lady through the reflection in the mirror. “No one will notice. The dress is long enough to cover them.”

Not really. There was a slit on the side that revealed most of her leg. Whoever would put their eyes on her would instantly notice her black boots.

“That’s not the point, sweetie,” Hana gently argued, slumping her shoulders and looking sweetly at Lia. 

She knew Lia was nervous and feeling shy. It was the first time she was getting dressed formally. It had taken her weeks of going to different shops and finding a dress that she liked and that she felt comfortable in. The one that she finally chose had been taken to the tailors to fit her frame, and now that she was wearing it in her bedroom, standing in front of the mirror, Lia became self-conscious as it showcased the curves of her breasts in the delicate V-neck. The dress was plain but beautiful, and the thin straps accentuated the elegance of the gown. Lia hadn’t wanted to overdo herself too much; she was excited at the fact that she graduated, but not that much about the party. She was happy about not having to attend any more classes and deal with high school bullshit. She would start a course on graphic design after summer, something that had her quite excited, and she would keep on selling her own stuff online. 

“I don’t even know how to walk on those,” she said, a bit sad as she wobbled slightly trying to find her balance. She shot Hana a look of uncertainty.

“You learn, Lia. Why don’t you take a walk along the hallway?” Hana suggested, encouraging her.

“That’s going to be useless,” Lia complained, but she did take a few steps around the room, circling her queen-sized bed. “At the end of the night my feet are going to be dead.”

“You’ll have to get used to it. What would you wear on your wedding day, then? Or in…?

Lia turned to face Hana with her brows raised.

"I'm not getting married," she declared, her tone unintentionally sharp. Hana seemed taken aback by the unexpected response, and Lia quickly softened her expression. "Or at least I don't want to think about that now."

“Alright. It makes sense,” Hana replied, choosing not to press the matter further.

“I’ll give them a try, though,” Lia conceded. “I’ll just ask Noah to keep my boots in the car in case I need to change.”

“That’s a good idea. Now come on, the boys are waiting downstairs.”

“Great,” Lia couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough…”

“They’re eager to see you.”

Maybe, but the idea of being the center of attention didn’t appeal much to her, especially if she was dressed like that.

She took one last look at herself in the mirror. The dress was beautiful, it hugged her delicate curves, and it was light. She was wearing makeup enough to prove that she had tried, and her hair was falling on her back and chest with little curls at the ends. Hana had helped her to get ready, taking advantage of the feelings that rose whenever she was with Lia. She never had a granddaughter, and Lia, despite not sharing the same blood, was the closest that she would ever have to one.

Seated comfortable on the living room sofa, the guys waited for her. Jolly, Noah and Nicholas had been the ones to decide to go with her to the prom. Jesse and Matt had previous appointments and couldn’t make it, and Folio had gone on a fishing trip with his dad. Not that Lia minded too much. It had been Jolly’s idea to follow her to the party. She would have preferred to go alone, endure the silly dance and annoying speeches on her own, but he had insisted otherwise, and had successfully persuaded Noah and Nicholas to tag along.

Jolly was casually indulging in a bag of chips while Nicholas remained engrossed in his phone. Between them, Noah exuded an air of nonchalance, lounging in an apathetic posture — slouched, legs wide, arms resting on his thighs, and hands dangling. It was one of the only times he had worn a formal shirt, and he felt uncomfortable. His gaze wandered aimlessly around the room, but his thoughts were singularly focused. A subtle tic in one of his legs persisted until Lia appeared at the top of the stairs, at which point it miraculously ceased.

His eyes went to her, and he swore his heartbeat stopped for a second or two. Next to him, Jolly whistled after leaving the bag of chips on the table between the tv and the sofa, and then he stood up. Nicholas followed, and Noah had to be patted on the shoulder by one of his friends to react and do the same.

Lia rolled her eyes at Jolly’s whistle, but the warmth that spread across her cheeks betrayed her attempt to appear unfazed. She avoided looking at the boys as she made her way downstairs in delicate steps, followed by Hana, who was making sure the soft fabric of Lia’s gown trailing behind was not getting stuck anywhere. As Lia reached the ground floor and finally lifted her head, her eyes met Noah's. There was something in the way he looked at her that sent a pleasant shiver down her spine, making her heartbeat quicken.

He was looking so… handsome. His hair was tied in a small bun at the back of his head and he struggled to straighten the black button-up shirt he was wearing. He licked his lips, and she would never know how much it cost him to smile at her through the knot in his stomach.

“That’s a very nice dress,” Nicholas told her.

The room fell into an awkward stillness until Hana intervened, ushering them towards the door before they risked being late. Lia couldn't help but voice her concern.

"Guys, I know you have better plans than coming with me. If you want to stay and…”

“I thought we were done discussing this,” Jolly chimed in. “I even bought a tie and I feel proud of myself.”

Lia snorted at his comment and shook her head, her hair swaying around her bare shoulders.

Jolly and Nicholas made their way out towards the car, and Noah came to stand beside her.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, it’s just a bit difficult to walk with these on,” she confessed gesturing to her heels.

“I bet…” he muttered, a hint of amusement in his voice. “You look beautiful, though.”

A big smile crept into her face as a surge of warmth spread through her at his words.

“Thank you.”

He extended his arm to her, and she gladly took it.

The girls Lia was talking to in the middle of the gym’s dancefloor weren’t her friends, not really. But she had managed to become acquainted with them in her last years in high school and had a good relationship with them. She knew she would probably never see them again after that night. Most of them were going to college and she wasn’t.

They had been discussing their future plans and studies when one of them noticed Jolly entering the gym and striding confidently straight to the corner were Noah and Nicholas were standing, looking slightly out of place, obviously, holding their glasses with cheap ponche in their inked hands. The girls didn’t know the guys. They had never talked to them, but they knew how close Lia was to those guys, specially the tall one, who had been giving her rides to school every morning for the last few months.

Amidst the chatter, one of the girls casually said:

“It’s actually so hot to see tattooed guys in formal clothing”.

Lia's ears perked up, sensing the topic might be heading in an interesting direction. In a matter of seconds, she realized they were referring to Noah, Jolly, and Nicholas. An involuntary blush crept up her cheeks, and she stole a quick glance at the trio, praying that they weren’t looking in their direction.

Noah was.

“You’re definitely not the only one thinking that,” Clara pointed out, aiming her painted eyes at Lia. “You’re blushing, Lia.”

She huffed, attempting to play it off.

“They’re my friends,” she replied, taking a sip of her Fanta. “I don’t want to think about them that way.”

“Oh, come on.” The teasing had just started, and Neha probed: “You’re telling me you’ve never thought about Noah as something more than your best friend? I don’t believe that crap.” 

Lia felt a twist inside at the directness of the question. Maybe, just maybe, she had entertained such thoughts, but admitting it out loud was a line she wasn't ready to cross. Determined to deflect the conversation, she replied, "No, I haven’t. Believe whatever you want."

Feeling a sudden need for space, Lia excused herself and made her way out of the gym, the hum of the music fading as she walked to the nearest restroom. Alone with her thoughts, she took a deep breath, glancing at herself in the mirror. Her reflection revealed a mix of excitement and uncertainty that she didn’t really like. She splashed some water on her face, hoping the cool sensation would clear her mind.

As she stepped outside and rejoined the party and the twinkling lights, the rhythmic beats of the music and the chatter of excited voices, Lia felt a presence approaching her, and she didn’t understand why she was disapointed when she heard a a voice she didn’t recognize calling her name.

Lia found herself face to face with a boy from her class. His name, if she recalled correctly, was Matt, someone she'd exchanged mere pleasantries with during group projects but never really engaged in a substantial conversation.

"Hey," he greeted, a nervous smile playing on his lips. “I’m glad to see you here. You look lovely.”

“Thanks,” she replied, her gaze shifting to take in his appearance.

He wasn’t so bad, either. His navy-blue suit clung elegantly to his long frame, and his tousled hair, expertly styled with a touch of cream, added a dash of sophistication. The passage of time had not been lost on any of them; they, including the rest of classmates, had all undergone a transformation from awkward teenagers to young adults in the last couple of years, some evolving more rapidly than others.

“I never thought I would see you in a dress,” he confessed, his eyes subtly scanning her up and down.

Caught off guard by the remark, she felt a flush creeping into her cheeks, though not as pronounced as when she had shown herself to the boys back at home.

“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Matt hastily clarified. “It’s just that… I saw you there and…”

“It’s ok. No problem, really.”

“Um, would you like to dance, maybe?”

She took a moment to assess the situation, considering the unspoken tension with Noah and the boys watching from the sidelines. Nevertheless, a desire to break away from the familiar prompted her to respond with a grin.

"Why not?" she replied, allowing a playful tone to lace her words. "Lead the way, Matt."

The dance floor beckoned, bathed in the soft glow of the changing-color lights. Matt guided Lia into the open space, the music providing the backdrop to their momentum. As they began to move to the rhythm, Lia stole a glance over her shoulder, locking eyes with Noah and her friends.

In that moment, amidst the dance and the pulsating beat of the music and as she twirled under Matt’s arm, Lia found herself caught between the known and the unknown, her heart dancing to a melody that echoed the unexplored depths of her feelings, that traced back to a promise made in the shore of the lake where she used to spend her afternoons as a teenager.

Meanwhile, Noah and the guys engaged in a conversation, their voices a low hum beneath the lively ambiance of the prom. Jolly, his mouth occupied with a sandwich, glanced at Noah and noticed a serious expression etched on his face.

“Why the long face, man?” Jolly inquired casually, his attention momentarily diverted as he reached for another sandwich from a tray.

“That moron is looking at her like he wants to eat her up,” he added, nonchalantly observing the dynamics unfolding on the dance floor, the way Matt’s hand was positioned on Lia’s lower back.

“Maybe that’s exactly what he wants,” Nick chimed in, his tone carrying a hint of mischief.

Turning his face to him, Noah shot him a killer look.

“Whoa,” Nick muttered, taking a step back at Noah’s sudden intensity.

“Man, what?” replied Jolly, raising an eyebrow as he opened his hand in a gesture of innocence. “You gotta stop being so overprotective. She’s eighteen. Let her live her life. She deserves it, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I just don’t want any motherfucker to break her heart. That’s all,” he admitted, his gaze fixed again on Lia and how alluring and beautiful she looked.

He had slowly started to notice her changes in the last few years, and he couldn’t ignore the woman that she was becoming, not just in the physical sense but also when it came to her mindset. She was more strong-willed than she’d even been, more confident, and the most important, happier.

“Sure it is…” Jolly mumbled with a knowing smirk as he moved to gather more food.

It was him who, a while later, went to find Lia and took her back to the dancefloor given that Matt had lost interest in her after ten minutes in the dancefloor. Lia actually held a power in her eyes that allowed her to communicate things without the need to speak, and Matt got the clue that she wasn’t interested in anything more than this night’s dance, and that he shouldn’t push her further.

When Jolly reached to where she was standing and she accepted her hand to walk back to the dancefloor, he noticed she was unable to keep her balance.

“Are those shoes already making you hate patriarchy a bit more than usual?”

“Definitely,” she replied. “But it’s not that.”

“What is it, then?”

"The girls brought alcohol. They’re hiding it in one of the classrooms... And I might have had a couple of vodka shots," Lia confessed, a touch of guilt accompanying her admission. She scrunched her nose as she looked at him.

Jolly's expression shifted to a mix of surprise and mild disappointment. "Lia... Are you serious?" he asked.

"No. I mean, yes. But I’m okay," Lia reassured, her words slightly slurred as she fought off the dizziness induced by the impromptu shots. "Just feeling a bit dizzy. Can you keep holding me?"

In that moment, Jolly found himself torn between scolding her for the reckless choices and acknowledging her vulnerable state and the fact that she could be spotted by any of the teachers. Without a word, he tightened his grip on her.The distant hum of the prom music, the soft glow of the lights, and the clandestine undertones of a high school celebration merged into a tableau of contrasts, where carefree moments met with a subtle undercurrent of responsibility.

Noah kept looking from afar, feeling something strange. Surely it was the proud feeling of seeing his best friend graduating, increased by the fact that he didn’t. 

“Has something happened? He looks upset,” Lia asked Jolly after noticing Noah’s attitude. 

Jolly kept his hands on her, steadying her. His eyes had been scanning the room, praying that no adults had their eyes on her.

“No. I think he’s just bored,” he answered a few seconds after, guiding his gaze to Noah. Then, lowering his voice, he said, “but I’m starting to think he likes this girl and he’s not having the balls to tell her.”

Lia, who was still seeking stability on his embrace despite the fact that his grip was enough to keep her from tumbling to the sides, raised her chin to look him in the eye. He was nearly as tall as Noah. It was a good thing she was wearing heels today, after all.

“What girl? He hasn’t told me anything.”

Jolly didn’t say anything, but it was in those two seconds that he spent looking deep into her brown eyes that he knew that his two friends were in for a ride. Oh, oh. If he only knew what was yet to come…

“Jolly, what girl?” She insisted.

He just kept on staring at her.

“Okay. I’m going to ask him myself,” she determined, but the moment she slipped away from Jolly’s grasp, she stumbled, and Jolly had to rush to hold her by the arm.

“Alright, kitten. I think we need to get you home.”

“I will go say goodbye to the girls, then,” as she turned around, she felt something going up her stomach and throat and her head started spinning. The music and the movement around her weren’t helping. “Oh, my god.”

“Let’s go outside before you puke, Lia. Come on.”

He held her close to him and help her get to the boys. Her vision was getting blurrier with every step she took, and the moment she reached Nicholas and Noah, she didn’t see the furrowed brows of his best friend and how he shot a glance at Jolly, a question in his expression, before she collapsed in his arms.

“Lia, what the hell?”

“I’m drunk,” she admitted, wrapping her arms around Noah’s body.

“Shit,” Nicholas muttered.

“We need to get out of here before the teachers notice,” Noah declared, already making his way to the exit while carrying Lia’s body glued to his. She started to laugh, and the laugh followed them home. Her state got worse as the car ride started. She was suddenly adamant on playing some songs in the car at full volume and kept unbuckling her seatbelt and leaning forward to touch the radio buttons while Noah kept grabbing her waist and pulling her back. At some point, she removed her shoes and let her head fall on Noah’s lap, only to be put back up with the words “if you lay down you might puke.” She didn’t feel like puking anymore. Everything was suddenly vibrant and exciting!

By the time they made it home and they stumbled wearily through the front door, the soft glow of the porch light revealed Lia’s disheveled appearance. Her hair was messed up and she was a laughing mess, too, but despite the chaotic journey, a stroke of luck had spared Lia (and the boys) from puking in the backseat, leaving her in a state of inebriated merriment.

Barefoot and exposed to the frigid touch of the concrete driveway at those hours, Noah, hiding his exhausting in a playful smile, suggested giving her a piggy ride, and she quickly clambered onto his back.

“This is so much fun! Everything looks different from up here!”

Noah, with a bemused roll of his eyes, secured her in his grasp, hands firmly gripping her thighs. Together and following Jolly and Nicholas, they ventured into the interior of the house, the raucous laughter fading into the background as they navigated the threshold between the night's chaos and the domestic tranquility within their home.

“I’ll put her to bed,” Noah said to the boys with a confidence that masked a flicker of uncertainty within.

“She’ll be okay?” Nicholas asked from behind him, still a shadow in the doorway.

"Yeah," Noah responded, though the reassurance carried a subtle undercurrent of hope rather than certainty. With that, he squeezed his inebriated cargo’s left thigh to get a confirmation giggle from her before proceeding to climb up the stairs.

“Why don’t you give me piggy rides more often?” Lia asked, perched comfortably on Noah’s back.

“You just have to ask,” he answered her, navigating his way to her bedroom.

“Okay, I’ll pay you back by riding you later,” she quipped, and pressed her cheek against his shoulder, oblivious to the sudden tension that gripped her best friend.

Noah’s blood froze momentarily, and his gaze shifted to the living room below, where Nicholas and Jolly exchanged amused glances, having overheard Lia’s comment. The irony wasn’t lost of them as it was on her, given that she was already “riding” Noah on his back.

“She’s so gone,” Nicholas commented, shaking his head.

Noah let out a sigh and kept on moving up until he managed to get her to her room with the weight of her intoxicated comment lingering as they reached her room.

Once there, he gently deposited her on the bed, her smile still present amidst the haze of her inebriation. Noah, looking down at her, decided it was time for a change – a literal one.

"You're so taaaaaaall," she exclaimed as Noah’s figure bent over her. “When did you get so tall?”

“A couple of summers’ ago. Come on up,” he helped her sit up, the drawl of admiration for his height still floating in her big eyes.

He eyed her, considering the options to get her to change into her pj’s. She was obviously not wearing a bra under that dress, and the realization made him sigh, desperate.

Such a torture. 

Noah gently coaxed Lia to her feet, his fingers intertwining with hers as he guided her to a standing position. As they stood in the quiet intimacy of her room, he laid out his plan with a touch of considerate reassurance, "I'm going to unzip your dress, and then I'll turn around, okay? I'll go and get a t-shirt in the meanwhile. Will you be able to put it on yourself?"

"Yeah, I think so," Lia replied, a hint of stability returning to her voice even as her body swayed with the remnants of the night's revelry. "I keep my sleeping shirt on the second… or third… or fourth drawer, I think."

While Lia stepped out of the dress, Noah retrieved one of the t-shirts Lia used to sleep in, and walked back to her, and even though he tried to avoid intruding on her moment of vulnerability, his side eye discreetly caught a glimpse of her semi naked figure, her long hair falling on her bare back.

“There,” with his back to hers, he handed her the t-shirt. He remained a steadfast presence behind her, respecting her privacy with a careful averted gaze.

"My head is spinning," she confessed as she slid the clothing piece over her head and down her body.

"I know, you should have kept it lighter," Noah replied.

He turned around at the same time she did, and his fingers instinctively went to her, sweeping away loose strands of hair that had fallen on her face. The gentle gesture made Lia close her eyes momentarily and hum.

 “You want to go to the bathroom and wash your face, remove the make-up?”

“I’m too tired,” she complained, her pout revealing the weariness that clung to her.  

“That’s okay,” Noah reassured her with a comforting tone. “You can shower tomorrow morning and sort yourself out. Let’s get you to bed. I’ll come in a while and leave an ibuprofen and a glass of water by the bed for you to take when you wake up tomorrow.”

With a nod, she made herself comfortable under her bedsheets, bought recently in a shopping spree after she had sold a bunch of designs online in a row.

“Noah,” she called as he was patting the covers over her. A loose strand of hair had escaped from his bun and was hanging lose close to her face. She would have liked to tuck it behind his ear, but she had already hidden her hands under the sheets.

“Yeah?” His voice was a mere whisper in the night.

“The one who falls in love with you is gonna be very lucky,” she assured him. “It’s a shame it’s not going to be me. I’m taking our promise to the grave.”

With a smile, she turned to the side, pressed her face to her pillow, and closed her eyes.