#but after cell division you keep growing and growing
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The weirdest ship I've thought about?
If they'd gone the direction of Jack-and-dark Kaia. They had some odd tension in Galaxy Brain, plus some interesting themes of not fitting into the worlds they want to be a part of:
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Then Claire would have her Kaia:
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And Jack would have something weird with messy, psycho alt!Kaia who definitely unfairly expects too much from Jack:
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Dean would not approve:
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ANYWAY, on top of being weird and hilarious to me personally that Claire and Jack hate each other love doppelganger people...
They could've hammered home the theme that alternates are their very own individual people and, like Chuck and Amara, can individuate even further through their continued experiences.
#jack#crack ships#kaia#claire voice - make your girlfriend back off she keeps trying to KILL me#this would be one of those very slow burn ones#where they betray and disappoint each other over and over#and let each other down and get very intense#i just think everyone would hate dark kaia (with good reason) except for jack and that's somehow very hilarious to me#not to mention that dark kaia has had NO ONE...is jealous and protective of og kaia to the point of psycho behavior because of her isolatio#oh to be family is to to be connected#to be made from the same stardust#but after cell division you keep growing and growing#until you look around and realize you're not the same#i would love to see her grow
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we tried the world, good god, it wasn't for us! (part 4.2)
pairing: autistic!satoru x suguru x autistic!reader
word count: 12k (oh hey look this one is actually shorter than the last)
summary: that second year of high school has a clear division within your mindâbefore summer and after. this is the after.
tags: autistic!reader, autistic!satoru, bisexual!reader, bisexual!suguru, continuing the existential crisis of realizing a bunch of old dudes poorly control the future of your teenage life, hidden inventory angst, mayhaps some poor coping mechanisms, maybe some codependency
beautiful people who asked to be tagged đ: @ichikanu, @iceheartsice, @anders-is-being-a-simp-again, @honeydew-cheesecake
author note: HIDDEN INVENTORY TIME! also, putting on full blast a couple of common things with autismâstrong sense of justice and a love of routines! the next year will most likely be split up again because i have so many plans and most of them aren't good! we do be talking about JJK here. please like, reblog, and comment! it makes my heart flutter!
chapter links: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR [PART I], AO3
[YEAR TWO.]
[PART II]
At the bottom of the mountain path that leads up to campus, youâre seated on a bench. You were here alone as you waited on the car to pick you up, but Satoru and Suguru showed up. They detail the specifics of the incredibly important mission personally assigned to them by Lord Tengen. The more they reveal to you about this, the more anxious you become, the bigger the cloud of dread over your head grows. Your nervousness is made apparently by the way you nervously spin your cell phone between your fingers.
Thereâs so much about this that you hate. Itâs too big. It truly is the weight of the world on their shouldersâthe jujutsu world. It isnât right that theyâre being entrusted with something that could change the course of every sorcererâs life. Shouldnât that kind of pressure be left to a more experienced sorcerer? This is the work of adults.
Another thing thatâs been bothering youâŚ
âErase?â
Satoru and Suguru are standing in front of you, most likely too nervous to sit still. Youâre glad that theyâre not blinded by their ego and seem genuinely troubled. Satoru is nervous, though heâd never admit to such a thing. He rocks on his feet from side to side. Coins jingle as he tosses them up in the air and catches them.
Suguru has his arms crossed over his chest, frowning. âYes,â he confirms quietly. âWhen the Star Plasma Vessel fully assimilates with Lord Tengen, there will be nothing left of her.â
âThatâŚâ You duck your head to hide the sadness that you know is written all over your face. It doesnât matter how you feel. You are a sorcerer, and this is no time to be soft. At the cost of one life, Lord Tengen will continue to live, sound of mind, and all the barriers that keep sorcerers safe will remain intact. âThat seems cruel,â you blurt.
âSoâŚwhat do you want us to do?â Satoru suddenly asks.
Your head snaps up, attention back on them, blinking in shock. âHuh?â
Instead of Satoru, itâs Suguru that repeats, âWhat do you want us to do? Thatâs why we came to you.â
Your brain stutters over their words, unable to process the things theyâre saying to you. You sit there, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. âWhatâŚwhat does that even mean?â You press your thumb to the center of your forehead. Stop when you realize youâre copying Suguru. âWhy do you want to know my opinion? What does it matter? What Iâve got to say means nothing.â
âWhat a silly thing to say, Squid,â Suguru scolds. âYour opinion means everything.â
With a little more thought, a little more looking between them and studying them, you finally understand where this is all coming from and where itâs all going. Thereâs an air about them, more to their nervousness than just stress over the weight on their shoulders. âYou want to do something really stupid,â you sigh, âand you want me to give my blessing which also makes me an accomplice.â
âAccomplice is such a dirty word.â Satoru pouts. âIs it illegal to get some advice from our best friend?â
If it was Shoko here, sheâd already be walking away. Unfortunately, you care about these assholes. âWhat stupid thing are you planning to do?â
âNothing yet,â Satoru answers vaguely.
You ignore him in favor of Suguru. If you need to pout, you will, and heâll cave because you hardly ever bring it out. âSatoru is right, technically. The decision wonât be up to us. Satoru just asked a logical questionâwhat if the Star Plasma Vessel doesnât go through with the assimilation?â
âYou know what would happen,â you point out flatly.
Satoru pipes up with, âWe donât know that for sure!â You stare at him, deadpan. He gets all huffy because you didnât just simply accept that. âLook, the world always has a way of balancing itself out. If this person doesnât want to assimilate with Tengen, then someone else will eventually come along that does want to. Tengen will be fine.â
âLetâs say this girl doesnât want to go through with the assimilation, what will you do then? Are you going to protect her for the rest of her life? Theyâll send every sorcerer after her. You might even have to fight Lord Tengen himself. Theyâll label you as curse usersââ
âWill they?â The ego is back in play because Satoru declares, âWeâre the strongest.â
Suguru tries to soften the severity of this stupid plan by explaining, âWeâre too valuable as sorcerers. Weâd be severely punished, maybe, but I doubt it. The girl has a caretaker with her, so we can cover them while they make themselves disappear.â
You throw up your arms in frustration. âWhy did you even ask me, then? Youâve clearly made up your minds!â
âYeah, okay, youâre right,â Satoru admits while rubbing the back of his neck.
âBelieve it or not, weâve actually thought about this more than you think we have,â Suguru tells you. âEverything you said is true. We know thereâs a possibility that they do actually banish us and declare us as curse users. Thereâs a chance that we wonât come backââ
âBut we donât want to lose you!â Satoru interrupts. Heâs a little too enthusiastic about this prospect because he goes on to excitedly ask, âIf we leave, will you run away with us?â
The answer is out of your mouth before you can even give it a second thought. âYou know I will.â
Thereâs a little part of your brain that reasons you shouldâve taken more time to think about this, but the bigger part of your brain knows that the answer wouldnât change. Somehow, that was the easiest yet most difficult answer in the world. No matter which option you chose, there would be a huge shift in your life, so it boils down to what would be easier to accept. If you were to stay behind like a good sorcerer, you would have to find a way to live normally without two of the most important people in your life and thatâŚ
The thought of not having Suguru or Satoru in your life is so terrifying that it makes you physically ill.
Youâve started to spiral. Itâs not until a hand comes in view and yanks on the string of your hooded sweatshirt that youâre pulled out of your darkening thoughts. When you tilt your head up, Satoru is towering above you, smiling with such a genuineness that it makes your heart hurt.
âDonât worry. Itâll all work out,â Satoru tries to assure you.
Your voice is weak, shaky. âPromise?â
âPromise.â
Itâs either to make you feel better or lighten your mood, but Satoru holds out a crooked pinky. You lock it with your own. Then, to be cheeky, he extends his other pinky to Suguru. âA pinky promise? Thatâs childish, even for you, Satoru.â But Suguru takes it. And maybe youâre taking this a little too seriously, but you also offer your other hand to Suguru. His expression softens before heâs taking it.
In the end, the three of you are making a promise to each other.
âSee?â Satoru grins. âItâs a super promise.â
âOkay,â you accept quietly. âBe safe, then. Iâll see you in a few days.â
***
Gojo Satoru isâŚ
âŚwas a fucking liar.
***
Just as youâve coaxed the cursed spirit into exorcising itself, Kusakabeâs cell phone rings. Heâs been off to the side, insistent to see your cursed technique for himself. Remembering that Sensei said Kusakabe could potentially be the person to vouch for you to become Grade 1, you bowed and did as he asked.
Anyway, the call.
As you approach him, you see him rush through many emotions at onceâpanic, anger, relief, and resignation. When his gaze darts over to you, he looks at you with a sympathy that makes your stomach start twisting into knots. On instinct, you pull your phone out to check for any texts, but thereâs been nothing since Suguru said that he was on a plane back to Tokyo with the Star Plasma Vessel.
Kusakabe calls out your name, gesturing for you to pick up the pace. When you stand across from him, you shift nervously, clutching tightly at your sketchbook. âYes?â
âIâm sorry,â Kusakabe starts with a soft apology. He takes a step toward you, putting a hand on your shoulder. âThereâs been an incident at the schoolâŚâ You wait on the news with bated breath. Itâs bad. It has to be bad, your brain reasons, because youâve learned Kusakabe is a naturally reserved person. He doesnât seem like the type to show sympathy so easily unless itâs really, really bad.
âGojo Satoru is dead.â
The sketchbook lands in the puddle at your feet as you drop everything and run.
You never leave Suguruâs side.
Apparently, he was found outside the Tombs of the Star Corridorâthe place Lord Tengen lives. The wounds went deep, needed to be stitched. The medical staff at the infirmary said it was a shock that he hadnât bled out.
When Shoko returns from Kyoto and clears the medical staff out, she curses their shoddy stitch work. That irritation is turned on you because you refuse to let go of his hand and she snaps at you, but you wonât budge. She harshly tells you to make yourself useful, so you help her remove the top half of his gown. Tears prick the corners of your eyes, and you have to quickly look away when the red, jagged slices across his chest are revealed to you both.
âThatâs going to scar,â Shoko mumbles as she glides her hands over his chest. Youâre so close that youâre in her crossfire and the aches and exhaustion from keeping vigil fade away. âWhere isâŚâ Her hands, glowing white with her technique, clench. âDid they say where they put him?â
It takes you a few minutes of swallowing down grief before you answer, âThey said his body is missing.â
âYeah,â she agrees hoarsely. âYeah, that makes sense. That idiot always bragged about the bounties on his head.â
âOrâŚor maybeâŚmaybe heâsâŚâ
Shoko knows what youâre going to say before you even say it. âI walked past where it happened,â she explains lowly. âDuck, Iâm sorry, but thereâs no way he came out of that alive.â She powers down her technique. You assume there wasnât that much damage and heâs been unconscious so long because of some painkillers the medical staff gave him. âThey found the Star Plasma Vesselâs caretaker. Iâm going to examine her body. See if there are any clues that can lead us to whoever has his body.â
You know youâre in denial. Logically, if he was alive, he would be here, in the infirmary. ButâŚyou canât accept it. You just canât. âIâm going to find him,â you swear.
âWhat are you going to do against someone that killed Gojo Satoru?â
You remember the finger of Ryomen Sukuna. The cursed energy that touched you. âIâll make him tear his own heart out,â you say furiously.
âYouâll give yourself an aneurysm, if you could do it at all.â Shoko puts her hand on the top of your head. âDonât make us lose another friend today.â You cover your mouth to muffle a sob. She reels you in, so your face is squished against her chest. âThere was nothing we could do. We have to accept that.â She bends over and presses a kiss to the top of your head. âThis is our life now. Itâs what we chose when we became sorcerers.â
But why does it have to be like this?
It doesnât take much longer before Suguru is waking up.
You have to help him when he tries to sit up and sways too much to the side. The drugs are still lingering in his system, so you nervously watch as he blinks slowly and tries to process. You donât want to overwhelm him, but you also want to comfort him, so you compromise by reaching out to take his hand and squeeze tight. That simple gesture holds his attention. Thereâs something about itâŚor maybe heâs remembering everything that happened beforeâŚ
Suguruâs expression doesnât change, but tears begin to trickle down his cheeks.
You practically drag him forward by the front of his hospital gown, desperate to get your arms around him. âIâm here,â you promise as your own tears begin to fall again. âSuguru, Iâm here.â His arms lock around your waist. His quiet, hitching breaths are in your ear, and his shoulders are subtly shaking under your arms.
âI failed, Squid,â he chokes out.
It never shouldâve been put on you, you want to say but what point is there in that anymore? It doesnât change the fact that it happened and Suguru was the only one left behind. We canât save everyone. Empty words. Strength has cushioned you all from the realities of sorcery. Suguru has been told that heâs the strongest practically since you two came to Tokyo. Heâs not supposed to lose.
Satoru wasnât supposed to die.
âIâm here,â you repeat because itâs the only thing that you can think to say.
Now that heâs completely healed and the painkillers have worn off, thereâs no more reason to keep Suguru in the infirmary. And when no one is around, he admits that he wants to be left alone in his room. You can tell yourself that youâre terrified to leave him by himself, but, deep down, you know itâs that youâre scared heâll disappear if you donât stay with him. This is all somehow so surreal yet so viscerally true. Simultaneously dream-like and so real. Like a child, you want to cling to him. Have you not lost enough already?
The two of you walk out of the infirmary, hand-in-hand. At the sight of Sensei waiting, you puff up like a street cat. You sidestep and put yourself in front of Suguru, flashing your metaphorical teeth and hissing. âGet out of the way.â
Suguru and Sensei both sigh your name. You donât back down. Just square your chin. âThe campus is still covered in fly heads.â
âGo exorcise them, then. You can make more cursed corpses.â
âIâm not here to ask Suguru to handle it,â Sensei gently corrects your assumption. âI agree with you. Suguru should rest.â
You relax a little. âOh.â
âIt would be easier if you can exorcise them all at once.â Sensei frowns. âOr make them disperse, at least. They can exit the barrier. If they make it off the mountain, into the city, they wonât cause too many problems for non-sorcerers.â
You angle your body toward Suguru, glancing up at him with furrowed brows. âWill you wait for me?â
âIâll leave the door unlocked,â he whispers.
Itâs not what you wanted to hear, but you canât push him. You wordlessly nod, squeeze his hand, and then heâs walking away, headed toward the dorms. You watch him until heâs completely out of sight, immediately twitchy and nervous when you canât see him anymore. Desperate to be beside him again, your cursed energy flares up.
âNot here,â Sensei says when he feels you gearing up. âYou wonât reach them from here. Theyâre mostly centralized in one area.â He takes a deep breath. âYou need to prepare yourself. They havenât cleaned up yet.â
Cleaned�
Oh.
Itâs where Satoru wasâŚ
For a moment, you doubt that you can ever prepare yourself for something like this. Youâre no stranger to gore, though, you remind yourself. Youâre a sorcerer. Youâve seen the result of a curseâs rampage. ButâŚthose people werenât your best friend, as cold as it is to think.
The only thing that pushes you forward is realizing that if it isnât you, itâll be Suguru.
Thereâs no way he came out of that alive, Shoko had told you.
You understand now, what she meant.
Thereâs a small crater that hints to the force that he was thrown down with. Hit with. You donât know. No, it mustâve been some weapon becauseâŚthe blood. The blood. Thereâs so much. Itâs splattered everywhere across the concrete. The man that killed Satoru hated him. Loathed him. This wasnât a clean and professional kill like with the Star Plasma Vessel and her caretaker who were taken down with neat shots to the head.
The monster that did this didnât even hesitate when he confronted children. Because thatâs what you all are, in the end. Children with too much power at your fingertips being guided by old men too scared to get their own hands dirty and all too happy to let the new generations die on their behalf.
And this is already so horrifying as is, but the assassin had to defile these corpses, too.
He wouldnât even let Satoru have a proper burial.
I just want to find him.
You hunch in on yourself, fists curling, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. The shattered pieces of your heart scream that one demandâI want to find him, I want to find him, I just want to fucking find him and bring him home. You know it will never be. This world is not kind. But, nonetheless, someone answers your call. Multiple someoneâs, actually.
Around you, the fly heads have frozen in place. They float listlessly, even their buzzing quieted, waiting with anticipation for a command that you didnât recognize you were preparing to make. The command that you should make, the one for them to exorcise themselves, is on the top of your tongue. What use can the fly heads be? From what you were told, the attacker left no residuals behind. The residuals left behind by Satoru and Suguru would be too faintâŚ
âŚthey would be too faint for a sorcerer to track. A cursed spirit is different. Their senses are different. Theyâre sharper and more attuned to cursed energy because it is both their life force given by non-sorcerers and a threat when wielded by sorcerers. Weaker spirits are constantly on the hunt for more cursed energy to gain power.
You could command them to search for Satoruâs residuals, but your influence over them will wane with distance until theyâve forgotten the order completely.
UnlessâŚ
Unless you can influence a spirit that you know is bound to another.
Die, you demand of the fly heads.
Slowly, they all start to expand around you until they explode with a loud pop. You donât stick around any longer to make sure theyâre all gone. Sensei can take care of that. Just like he can handle the few fly heads that have spread around campus. Youâre too busy planning now.
For the rest of the afternoon and the whole night through, Suguru doesnât speak, and you donât make him. He really only moves when you do because when you crawled into bed with him, heâd manhandled you until he could curl around you and place his head above the beat of your heart. You donât ask him about it. You understand the reason that he clings to you. Itâs why you canât stop running your fingers through his hair, canât stop touching him. You donât want him to slip away.
Around three in the morning, Shoko texts you. Sheâs done with her autopsy. Eavesdropping, too. There are no clues. Sheâs overheard Sensei on his cell phone with higher-ups and they have no idea where to start because so many people have put bounties on his head over the years. Theyâre also scrambling to figure out how to break the news to Lord Tengen that there will be no merger. You tell her that sheâs done enough and to try and get some sleep. Â
After you snap your phone shut and drop it on the bed, Suguru immediately picks it up. Your fingers itch to stop him from reading the texts, but thatâs not your place. From your position above him, you watch his eyes carefully scan over the text, face unmoving.
The room is bathed in darkness once again when he snaps it shut. You think thatâs the end of that, but he whispers, âI canât believe it.â
âI canât, either,â you confess as quietly. Even seeing all that bloodâŚthis is being in denial. Is that whatâs going on? Youâve never had a loss like this ever before. You donât know what to do with yourself. No. Thatâs a lie. You know what you want to do. âItâs not fair. That they took him, I mean.â
âIâm going to look for him,â Suguru announces. âIâŚjust wanted this one last night with you.â
You tug at his hair meanly. âIâm going with you.â
âNo,â Suguru replies with an air of finality.
âBullshit,â you snap. Youâre not letting this go. âNo, youâre not leaving me here like someââ
Suguru suddenly rolls over on top of you, knocking the breath out of you. He lifts up on his hands and knees, shifting up so that his face is hovering directly over yours. With only the glow of the moon, itâs hard to make out the fine details of his face, but you can see the frown, the hard set of his jaw. He snatches your wrists, keeping them pinned up by your head, immobilizing you completely and giving you no option but to look at him.
âHe has no cursed energy in exchange for a Heavenly Pact. Do you understand what that means?â Suguru asks harshly. âWhat are you going to do against that? Youâreââ weak. You squeeze your eyes shut, hurt lancing through you. He tries to soften the reality with, âYouâre not suited against that type of fighting style. Youâre better for support.â
âLet me support you, then!â You dig your nails into whatever skin of his you can touch. âI know Iâm weak, butâŚâ Your bottom lip wobbles. Definitely not helping your case. âYou couldnât beat him, either. YouâŚyou said that you were split up, soâŚmaybe two is better than oneâŚâ
âIâm not losing you. I canât lose you, Squid. Canât you understand that?â
âBut you want to make me grieve you, too?â You scramble for anything that can make him change his mind. âI doubt weâre going to run into danger, anyway. Itâs been so long already thatâŚthat heâs probably collected the bounty on both heads.â You lean up to knock your forehead against his. âPlease, Suguru.â
âNo.â
âYou promised! You promised that itâd be me and you!â
As your vision blurs, you can make out Suguruâs expression softening. âDonât cry, Squid,â he begs. One of his big hands let go of your wrist, cupping your cheek. âWhy do you have to make this so much harder on me, huh?â He flops down next to you, carefully guiding you to bury your face in the crook of his neck where you continue to cry. âOkay. Okay, Iâll bring you. At the first sign of danger, you have to run.â
You wonât, but you nod and lie, âOkay.â
Little do you know, youâre not the only one whoâs lying.
With the sunlight comes the truth of the matter. You wake up alone, the bed empty, and with a note on the nightstand beside both your cell phone and Suguruâs. Iâm sorry, the note reads in his neat handwriting. Iâll be safe, but Iâm not risking you. At the very end of the note, thereâs a line of text, but you canât tell what he wrote because itâs so scratched out. The page is nearly ripped on that little section.
You, who planned to lie yourself, have no room to feel so betrayed. Anger, though, you think youâre allowed. Grief crashes over you all over again, too. You chose this life, you know, but shouldnât children be protected a little longer? It never shouldâve come to this. Ten minutes is all you can allow yourself because you donât know how long Suguru has been gone and you need to find him.
Before you rush out the door, you shoot Shoko a text for when she wakes up, letting her know your plan. You also tell her that if he comes back before you then she needs to punch him in the nose on your behalf.
Late in the afternoon, as the sun is setting, thereâs a breakthrough.
By this point, youâre jittery and exhausted. Youâve swallowed down so much coffee to keep yourself going that itâs probably in your veins now, but youâre at the point of exhaustion that itâs just not doing anything anymore. Not only have you been walking around the city on foot, but youâve been keeping your technique running as you have cursed spirits try to lead you to Satoruâs residuals. With as much cursed energy as he had, it should still be radiating off his body enough for a spirit to pick up. Thatâs what youâd thought, anyway.
Until every spirit that you pull under your influence justâŚstops. Itâs like thereâs some invisible barrier that they simply wonât cross. You step past that point, and theyâre compelled to follow you, yes, but they struggle against you. Some of the stronger ones outright free themselves and go running.
Something or someone is scaring them.
The problem is that you donât know how wide the perimeter is of this barrier, how close or far away that Satoru is. But when a pack of vaguely centipede-shaped curses rush past you, out of the invisible area, you know your solution. Just like in movies where animals are the first to know of a disaster and try to outrun it, curses are acting the same. You will run toward where they are running away. At some point, youâll have to find epicenter.
As youâre still running, further ahead of you, in the distance, there is an explosionâa bright flash of red light, a boom so loud that it vibrates in your chest, and a shake of the earth that makes you stumble. The non-sorcerers around you do the same, some of them even tripping, but theyâre not turning in the direction of the flash. No, between all the chatter, you make out people questioning if it was an earthquake or a terrorist attack.
Non-sorcerers canât see cursed techniques.
And then there was that red lightâŚ
Red.
There is something rising up inside you, something dangerous. Hope. All the blood that stained the concrete, the horror that Suguru described that you know extended to Satoru even if Suguru didnât witness it himselfâŚthat all flies out of your head. This is the only thing that makes sense, you reason. Thereâs only one logical conclusion for why cursed spirits would be running away, refusing to pass that point. A dead boyâs residuals wouldnât scare them like that.
Heâs alive, you think. What else could it be? Nothing, your desperate heart reasons. Then, itâs on repeat. Heâs alive, heâs alive, heâs alive, heâs alive, heâs aliveâ
Not even five minutes pass before, in the middle of your sprinting, thereâs yet another explosion. With this one comes a bright purple light and an even bigger explosion. It sends you stumbling, tripping over your feet, and you manage to catch yourself on your hands and knees, but they donât come out unscathed. Theyâre busted open, but you ignore that pain. Adrenaline has you up and back to running.
Looming tall, getting closer and closer, is a temple. Gold and white marble. An eyesore that makes your retinas burn. Is thisâŚthe headquarters of the Star Religious Group that Suguru had told you about? One of the two organizations that was targeting them on their mission? It must be. Kusakabe said that the other group, Q, was defunct. Satoru and Suguru even sent pictures posing with the leaders that they beat.
The path that leads to the entrance is lined with tall pillars on either side. The further down the path you run, the evidence of a fight becomes more and more abundant. Some of the pillars are totally crushed, others chopped in half, rubble everywhere, and practically stinking of Satoruâs cursed energy.
WhyâŚwhy does it feel so different? Are youâŚyouâre not imagining that, are you? For someone that should be on the verge of death, itâs so strong. Stronger than itâs ever been before. The weight of it is almost oppressive. Familiar, butâŚsharper. Youâve unthinkingly slowed to a stop. Too stuck in thought to move, maybe, orâŚtoo scared. Itâs as if the connection with the cursed spirits is lingering and their terror is bleeding over to you. Weak and feeble prey against a predator so unimaginable.
This canât be your Satoru, can it?
âSketch.â
And the last year and a half of memories comes crashing down on your head when you hear the sound of his voice, suffocating the noise of your panicked hindbrain. When you raise your head, unaware that youâd ducked it down to stare at nothing, he is standing there. A few meters away from you. His blazer is torn open, white button-up underneath it stained with blood, the same as a section of hair covering his forehead. Itâs a horrifying miracleâŚbut a miracle, nonetheless.
âSaââ your mouth snaps shut because your throat clogged with emotion. You donât know what the fuck youâd say, so you just donât bother with it. You shut the hell up and run. Tears are blurring your vision, youâre more out of breath than you were getting here because the sobs are bubbling up in your chest, but you donât stop. You canât. Not until you know that he is solid and real and alive.
Itâs when you throw yourself right at him, arms locking around his neck, that the dam of emotion inside breaks. Before you know it, youâre sobbing. âSatoru!â Youâre being rough with him. Clinging too tight. One of your hands is grasping tightly the hair at the nape of his neck and the other fisting the fabric of his blazer. âSatoru!â
Satoru mumbles your name, shoulders slumping under your grasp. âOh.â His voice cracks a little. Then, heâs giving you a hug of his own, hands splayed across your back. âOh,â he repeats, almost dazedly. âIt all still feels so, so amazing, Sketch.â You try to lean back, but he smushes his cheek against yours, sighing in something youâd think is pleasure. âI want to keep feeling this way foreverâŚwith you, Sketch.â
âSatoruââ
The breath catches in your throat when you can lean back enough to catch his gaze with your own. How did you not see these eyes before? Something has changed. Infinity isnât active, but theyâre still glowing bright. Sparkling like the sun glinting off the clearest ocean waters. These eyes are beautiful, entrancing, andâŚalmost inhuman. His world has shifted. He has stepped up on another level. Heâ
Satoru is kissing you.
Youâd been so stunned that you didnât pay attention to his face inching closer to yours until you feel the warmth of his breath against your mouth. Itâs a soft touch of his lips against yours. You couldâŚyou shouldâŚstop this. You need toâŚtoâŚcheck on him. ButâŚoh. Oh, he cups your cheek, hand so big and so, so warm. His hand is at the small of your back now, a gesture that sends pleasure up your spine.
Itâs a clumsy kiss, maybe. Youâre not sure what to do with your mouth and your noses bump against each other. Then, he tilts his head to the side a bit and it falls into place like two puzzle pieces coming together. Your eyes flutter shut and instead of pushing him away, youâre tugging him closer by the lapels of his blazer.
Heat explodes across your body when he takes it a step further, tongue gliding across the seam of your lips. Youâre not sure if heâs aware of it or not, but itâs a dirty move when he cups your cheeks with both his hands. He tries to pull you closer, like he canât get enough of this. Of you. And thatâsâŚthat fucks with a personâs brain. Youâve been swept up in his whirlwind, so you go with it. Your mouth opens and heâs licking into your mouth. You always thought itâd feel gross, but itâs justâŚhot. The smacking of your lips, the small noise of pleasure he givesâŚ
Satoru pulls himself away from you, the both of you panting harshly. âIâŚâ He licks his lips. âI am super high right now.â
âHigh,â you repeat hoarsely without much thought to it. Youâre dazed and heâs pinning you down with those eyes again. It takes you a good minute to comprehend what he said. When it hits, your body jerks. âHigh?â
Instead of doing something like elaborating, his brows furrow, and he turns to look over his shoulder at the temple. âHey, I need to get Amanaiâs body. You might wanna leave.â He faces you again, looking like heâs trying to gather his all thoughts. âI blew a hole in that Zenâin guy with Purple. AndâŚI kind of want to slaughter all those people in there. I can see them in this big meeting room, clapping because sheâs dead now. I donât want you seeing that.â
Donât do that, you should say.
But how can you find mercy in your heart for people who celebrate the death of a child? Who paid a man to swoop in and shatter your life? Those arenât good people. Theyâre not innocent. Shouldnât they be punished in some way?
âBe safe,â you say instead.
Satoru doesnât kill them.
Not soon after Satoru left you had called Sensei to tell him that Satoru was alive and found the Star Plasma Vesselâs body. And almost as soon as you hang up the phone after Sensei assures you that Shoko and the cleanup crew will be there shortly, Suguru shows up.
When they walk out of the temple, Suguru comes back to meet you while Satoru goes on ahead to hand over the body to those that will make sure sheâs treated with respect. Suguru doesnât look at you when he tells you that he talked Satoru down from killing them all.
âThere would be no meaning it in.â
Itâs clear that Suguru is troubled, trying to justify that to himself. While you donât really believe himâŚwell, no. Itâs more that you simply donât care if thereâs meaning.
âYouâre right,â you lie as a comfort and reach out to thread your fingers through his.
***
For four days after they come home, you never see them.
Suguru is still texting youâsomewhat, anyway, since heâs more focused on taking care of Satoru who hadnât been able to sleep for three days straight. Still high onâŚsomething. You and Suguru were trying to speculate what put him in such a state since there was no point in asking a practically incoherent Satoru. He died, Suguru told you in the middle of night two. I think, he then followed up with. The Six Eyes are fully realized. All the pieces fell in place.
Heâs high on the power, you think you summarize correctly.
Suguru thinks that Satoru is finally leveling out when he sleeps for twenty-four hours straight.
Youâre the first person to know that heâs awake when youâre walking across campus, planning on a late night konbini run because you canât sleep, and almost get smacked in the head by a floating wallet. You duck it, but a rock gets tangled in your hair. Thereâs a bunch of rocks and some empty soda bottles, looking like one of those asteroid fields that you see in space movies.
âOops,â a familiar voice calls out. âMy bad, Sketch.â
âSatoru?â You fully expect him to be there behind you, but when you turn around, thereâs nothing. You look off to either side of you, too. Nothing. âWhereââ wait. Did it sound like he was speaking above you? You tilt your head up and, yeah, you definitely forgot that Satoru could float even beforeâŚeverything.
Satoru is cross-legged, floating there in the air. All the debris surrounds him now as if they were planets in his orbit. Your brows furrow. âWhy does it feel like youâre showing off?â
âIâm not!â Satoru protests with a pout.
âIt justâŚfeels different,â you mumble while trying to figure out what exactly is giving you that idea. This isnât totally out of the ordinary for him. He was blocking massive chunks of destroyed buildings and tearing apart houses before. âOh. Your output is so low now.â
âBingo!â
There was a little delay, but your brain finally catches up. âYouâre awake! What are you doing out here? You shouldâve gone to see Shoko as soon as you were up!â
Satoru waves the concern off. âIâm running Reverse Curse Technique now. Iâm good.â
âYouâŚwhat?â Logically, that makes the most sense. Despite all the blood, you hadnât seen a mark on Satoru that day at the temple.
âYeah! Who knew that getting stabbed in the neck is what itâd take for me to figure out Reverse Curse Technique, huh? Never let Shoko become a teacher. She canât explain things for shit.â
Avoiding overwhelming emotions isnât a new concept for you. Youâre notorious for it. That doesnât mean you canât feel the emotions for Satoru, though. Stabbed in the neckâyou didnât think it was possible for your heart to crack more than it already has.
âCome down here so I can hug you,â you choke out.
Satoru blinks, looking almost baffled by your turn of emotion. Does he really not know how fucked up that is? Can he not understand why youâd be upset? How terrified he mustâve been, you think as you reach out for him when he slowly lowers back to the ground. Sure, he beat Death, but that doesnât make the sight any less horrifying.
âYou gotta stop being such a crybaby or Iâm gonna have to give you a new nickname,â he muses when you get your arms around him. His arms slip around your shoulders, crushing you against his chest. âIâm okay, Sketch. Alive and kicking. Got some badass scars and, as the geezers in my clan would say, my Six Eyes are fully realized.â
Be serious about this, you want to demand of him, but who are you to do that? âDonât make fun of me for worrying about you.â
âSuguru is already doing enough of it, yâknow,â Satoru remarks softly. âGo worry about him.â
âI can worry about you both, thanks.â
âYouâre cute, Sketch.â
The memory of his mouth against yours makes itself painfully known. Back of your neck prickling with heat, you try to bury your face further against his chest, not wanting him to see whatever might be on your face. In the silence between you two, your mind runs through so many questions. Does he remember? Why in the world did he do that? If itâd been Suguru there instead, would Satoru have kissed him instead? Should you even ask about it? What would you say if you did? Do you even know enough about how you feel for him to have that talk?
Satoru demands to escort you to the konbini when you tell him what has you out so late. Heâs almost aggressive when he takes your hand in his and starts tugging you forward again, listing off all the snacks that he wants to buy. At the bottom of the mountain, finally out on the street, you notice that he still hasnât let go of your hand, so you stop him. Youâre fully prepared to talk about it. Okay, youâre not, but you feel like you need to talk about it.
But then, under the glow of a streetlamp, you catch the glint of that scar at the base of his throat.
Youâll bring up the kiss some other time.
***
âWhat?â
For once, Sensei doesnât look you in the eye. âYou heard me.â
âDid I? Because it sounds like you told me that some old man is here to force Satoru and Suguru out on solo missionsââ
He pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes out your name. âItâs just to ease them back out in the fieldââ
âStop lying!â Senseiâs mouth snaps shut at the sound of your echoing shout. âIâm not dumb! These are assignments that only they can do as Special Grades. The higher-ups wouldnât bother with wasting them on something the rest of us grunts can do, would they?â
âPlease. Calm downââ
âIt hasnât even been three weeks!â
Sensei calls in backup. Looking over your shoulder, expression pinched in discomfort, he begs by way of order, âNanami, Haibara, letâs end class early. Can you take her back to the girlsâ dormââ
There have been only a few times that youâve ever been so furious in your life and, not-so-shockingly, they all had to do with Suguru. When you were both eight, inseparable, Suguru had finally confessed where his bruises truly came from. You learned that the lack of food wasnât from poverty or neglect, but maliciousness. The bruises werenât from scraps with spirits that he was trying to tame.
Youâd been downright distraught. You hadnât let him leave your house for as long as you could. Begging your parents to let him live with you, offering your plate up if there wasnât enough food in the house for four people. When Suguru wasnât in the room, you told them what he said, insistent on your parents calling the police for help because you knew they were supposed to help with bad people and what else were Suguruâs parents?
The first few times, your parents lied and said that theyâd handle it. After a year of nothing happening, youâd gone to a teacher instead because your parents outright told you that how Suguruâs parents disciplined him wasnât their business. Suguru was out for about a week, and you hadnât been allowed over. When he came back to school, arm in a cast, he told you about a person visiting, and how furious itâd made his parents when that lady left.
Finally, you learned a cruel lessonâthat trying to help would only punish Suguru.
Maybe thatâs something you should remember right now, butâŚyouâre blinded by that same sense of justice that youâd had as an eight-year-old girl. You have a voice here. Youâll scream until your throat bleeds. If they want sacrifices, youâll offer yourself up in place of Suguru and Satoru. Just to let them have peace a little while longer.
âSenpai?â Haibara hesitantly touches your shoulder.
Nanami and Haibara, smartly, move out of your way when you whirl around and storm out of the classroom. Youâre not sure how much time you have left, but you need to ditch your escorts, so you go back to the dorms like Sensei requested, fuming the entire time. You donât speak a word to your juniors, scared that youâll snap at them unnecessarily. Theyâre just following orders, same as every other fucking sorcerer.
As soon as youâre inside your room, youâre immediately sneaking out the window, and pinpointing Satoru and Suguruâs cursed energies. Theyâre at the entranceâs torii gate, getting lectured by some withered husk. Satoru, as always, looks disinterested, but SuguruâŚ
Suguru looks tired.
âWhat the hell do you think youâre doing?!â
The old man slowly turns around to face you, eyes narrowed. âWho do you think youâre talking to like that?â For someone thatâs hunched over and clutches to his cane with a trembling hand, he sure does have his nose stuck up pretty high in the air. âAh, I know you.â He says your name. âMind your tongue, girl. Youâll ruin your chances at success with this type of behavior.â
âThey almost died and youâre throwing them back out in the field this soon?â
He scoffs. âIs that what this is about? Iâve spoken with Yaga. Theyâve been healed.â
âAre you stupid?â If he canât scrounge up an emotion in his black heart, youâll appeal to logic. âDo you not understand that if you donât give them proper rest and run them ragged then theyâre more likely to make mistakes and die? Let someone else handle whatever you want them to do.â
âWho? Like you? Stop acting like a child. You may be a sorcerer, but donât think you could be of any use other than collecting information. Youâre weak.â You hate this man, but you hate that heâs right even more. Is running your mouth really the only thing that you can do? âKnow your place.â Â
Behind the old man, Suguru and Satoru puff up.
Something ugly is festering inside you as you watch him walk away. Youâre not sure that youâve ever felt so much hatred toward another person. How can such weak people have all this power? What more can you compare them to other than an invasive parasiteâhiding themselves away as their host supports them and weakens itself until thereâs nothing left and then theyâre on to the next pray. Thatâs how they rose so high. Everyone else threw themselves on the sword until only these cowards remained. It isnât fair that youâre forced to bow down to them.
You should worship us, you think viciously. Rage is making your body go haywire. Youâre trembling all over, fists clenched so tightly that your nails are digging into your skin causing sticky, wet blood to slip through your fingers. Prostrate yourself before us, you wish you could scream at him. How much blood have they spilt with their callous and cruel demands? You canât even begin to imagine, but you smell it. You taste it. You canât even register that something is slipping from your nose, over the bow of your lips. Your eyes are losing focus, your ears are ringing, and youâre shocked that you can focus enough to think anymore with how agonizing this headache is.
Prostrate yourself.
A lot happens all at once. Just as someone snatches your upper arm, the higher-up goes down with a crack. An actual crack of a bone. He twists himself awkwardly as heâs going down, ending up spread eagle on the ground right in front of your feet. He turns his head to the side, forehead coated with blood from getting busted open on the concrete. He clutches at his hip, trying to move, but failing every single time.
Then, youâre gone.
Feeling like your stomach drops out under you, along with your feet, youâre warped to a completely different part of campus by Satoruâs hold on your arm. All at once, the world comes rushing back in, and youâre suddenly aware of your body. You collapse to your hands and knees, watching as drops of blood plop on the blades of grass beneath your face. Even this much, holding yourself up by your shaking arms, is hard.
Just being conscious is hard, apparently, because you wobble before youâre crashing on the ground and passing out.
âYou were right to bring me to her first. Fuck. She had a brain bleed. What the fuck happened?â
Shokoâs raised voice might be what pulls you back to consciousness. Or the fact that youâre clearly healed now. The only remnant that there had been something wrong is the flaking blood on your face, sensitivity to light, and the lingering exhaustion because she canât fully replenish cursed energy.
The lack of noise has you turning your head to the side. Shoko, Satoru, and Suguruâall in a circleâhave turned to stare down at you. There are varying degrees of concern on their faces, but Shoko is the only one thatâs also furious. She points an accusatory finger at you. âYouâre going to tell me what you did later, Duck. Do you understand me? Right now, I have to go heal some old geezerâs broken hip.â
Ah. Youâd been right, then. A bone had broken.
You broke that bone.
Because youâŚ
In the heat of that moment, you werenât comprehending what was going on. What you were doing. But you know now. And the implications of it terrify you. Whatâs even worse is that you werenât even consciously thinking about doing it. It just happened, so what if it happens again by accident? What if one of those things thought in the heat of the moment that youâd never say out loud comes true?
You didnât want this. Not this. You never asked for it. This is too much power for one person. How do you shoulder the weight of something like this? You canât. You donât have it in you. Youâll hurt someone, you know it, and itâll be someone that you love, and when it happensâ
âSquid.â
Suguruâs hands appear in your blurry line of vision. Theyâre meant to be a silent question, to ask if youâre okay to be touched right now. You answer by grabbing his wrists and yanking them down to your cheeks. You donât know what possesses you to do it. Maybe itâs to pull him in closer because seeing his softening expression makes you feel less overwhelmed. They understand better than anyone, after all, that power is a burden.
Itâs not a full breakdown. More a moment of overwhelming pressure and guilt. Suguru and Satoru, both now sitting down next to you in the grass, donât say anything until you calm down. When youâre just sniffling, Suguruâs thumb thatâs been stroking your cheek stills. âWhat happened, Squid?â
âIâve been thinking about it,â Satoru speaks up. âYour persuasion isnât only limited to cursed spirits anymore. Itâs anything with cursed energy, isnât it?â You nod, mouth twisted with misery. âWe really need to come up with a name for your technique.â
âNot the time, Satoru,â Suguru sighs. He brushes away some hair thatâs plastered across your forehead. âYou donât seem as surprised by this as I think you should be.â
âShoko put the idea in my head at the start of the term,â you mumble. âI told her about that mission with youâthe one where I caught your cursed spirit and that other sorcererâs shikigami. I could maybe understand why yours was affected because the spirits have different cursed energy than yours, butâŚthe shikigami is a manifestation of a sorcererâs energy. Shoko took it to its next logical step. I didnât want to believe her.â
âIt was so weird.â Satoru is tapping his bottom lip, thoughtful. âIt was like your cursed energy was infecting that geezer. It was only a second, but I guess whenever you gave your command, I swear that it was like there were two of you. It was seriously trippy.â
âAnd then you gave yourself a brain bleed. Do you know how lucky you were that Shoko was on campus?â Suguru presses his palm against your forehead, and you look back up at him. The corners of his eyes are tight with worry. âPromise me you wonât do that again.â
âI didnât mean to do it,â you purposely deflect. Does this power scare you? Yes. Would you use it again if it meant keeping the people you love safe in both body and mind? Another yes. âIâm justâŚworried about you both.â
âSquid, you canât keep us here forever. I know youâre worried, butââ he fumbles. Briefly, his gaze darkens, but that emotion quickly passes. âWeâre the strongest. We can take care of ourselves.â
âItâs not about whether you can do it or not,â you whisper. âItâs about rest. You almost died. YouâŚyou lost. AndâŚthat leaves wounds that Shoko canât heal. Why canât you have more time? Why does it have to be you?â
âThe world has to keep spinning, Sketch.â
Yes, the world is cruel like that, isnât it?
***
The start of middle school had felt like a month-long blowout in your household.
About two weeks in, while you were curled up under the blankets with a hot water bag pressed against your pelvis, grandparents that you rarely saw had come to visit from the village over. Itâd felt like such an invasion of privacy when your both your mother and grandmother presented a bowl of red rice and congratulations on becoming a woman that youâd snapped. Why celebrate such a stupid thing? Youâd ranted and raved. Itâs what the body does. Why make a big deal? Do you do this with boys when they get their first erection? And all hell had broken loose.
Your father had outright smacked you in the mouth for speaking so crudely and disrespectfully to his mother. After an hour or so of being banished to your room, your frazzled mother and shrewd grandmother had come to interrogate you on how you knew about such a thingâthe thing being erections. Youâd told them because you saw nothing wrong with the truth. You hadnât known it then, but Suguru had started puberty a few months before you. Heâd told you about the exhausting and awkward conversation his father had been forced to give him.
By the end of the weekend, youâd been ready to choke your grandmother. The way she hovered over your mother, stirring up shit by whispering in your motherâs ear. The worst offense, in your opinion, had been how they turned Suguru away at the door every single day. You couldnât sneak out because your grandmother slept in your room at night while days were spent going over what boiled down to glorified etiquette classes. Ladies donât talk about crude things which included basic bodily functions, ladies donât sleep with men unless theyâre married, ladies are demure yet try to make friends with their peers, ladies this, ladies that, and on and on it went.
And youâd overheard conversations at school, knew that most of your classmates hated it as much as you did when their grandparents visited, so youâd hoped the hell would end when they were gone. It hadnât. That Monday night, your mother had declared that there would no longer be any sleepovers, and you think that may have been the first ever time you screamed yourself hoarse.
Youâve always been too close to that boy! Your father had been the one to step in, absolutely laying into you. I tolerated it because you needed to have one friend, at least, so we could pretend our daughter is normal, but this is just becoming borderline inappropriate now! Youâre lucky that I donât ban you from seeing him, period! And think of him! Donât you think that heâs sick of spending so much time with you? Heâll never have any other friends if heâs seen spending so much time with you! Let the boy be a boy, damn it!
Thatâs when the doubt started, you think.
This fear has always plagued youâthe idea that you need Suguru more than he needs you.
Zenâin Toji changes that.
Sometimes, when youâre too stuck in your head, you worry that youâre still acting like a child, tugging at his sleeves, annoyingly demanding his attention. Now, it almost feels like the roles have reversed. Not that youâre annoyed. No, if he tried to hide himself away, youâre pretty sure that youâd be waiting outside his door like a lost puppy begging to come home.
Really, the only difference between now and those childhood days where you two were practically joined at the hip is that Satoru is included.
Now that Satoru and Suguru are on their own, youâve been unofficially added to Nanami and Haibaraâs team. What happened to headquarters wanting you to spy on Suguru, huh? This might be a punishment. You donât mind it, obviously, because you like to be a good mentor, but itâs not just them that youâre helping. Helping is a loose term, though. Youâre almost as busy as Suguru and Satoru are, running to pacify and record spirits for the seasoned sorcerers. Â
A thing that youâve started to learn is that sorcerers areâŚeccentric. More often than not, they donât try to make small talk with you which youâre happy for, but itâs still exhausting to be around all these strangers. It seems like youâre always running on empty. It feels like your art is suffering, too, because you canât find it in yourself to practice in your spare time. You feel as if you always have to be available.
Things might be easier if you had some time alone, but you never are anymore, even when youâre on campus. Would Satoru and Suguru respect your wishes if you asked? Yes. But you never do. You always feel too guilty to ask for such a thing when theyâre working so hard all the time. Thankfully, Suguru is fine to sit in silence with you and Satoru can talk and talk without you ever saying a word back.
Things are changing between the three of youâeven a person like you who always has things going over her head can see that.
Youâre not quite sure when it started but there is always someone in your bed. None of you talk about it, though. If they hadnât started leaving pieces of themselves behind in your room, youâd wonder if they even knew that the other is with you when they arenât around. In your need to have things in the correct places, youâve assigned them spotsâSuguruâs cigarettes are tucked in the corner of your nightstand, Satoruâs stash of blueberry sodas is neatly stacked inside your minifridge, Suguruâs spicy ramen is in the cabinet closest to the door and Satoruâs melon bread are next to the ramen.
People talk about walking in the shadows of The Strongest, butâŚfor you, it feels like their shadows are swallowing you whole.
Where do they end and where do you begin?
Itâs getting weird inside your head. Not that it hasnât always been. Itâs justâŚyou sometimes feel suffocated. On bad days, you wonder if youâve started to create a mask for themâsomething youâve never felt the need to do, especially with Suguru. And yet, in spite of it all, youâre terrified to push them away, and not because of what happened to them.
Bitterly, you think about that river in your village, and how if you were thrown in it with no way out but forward that youâd let yourself drown in that familiarity rather than face the unknown that awaits on the other side of the river.
Youâd scolded Suguru for picking up smoking, but maybe he and Shoko are on to something with it.
The stars have aligned just right so that you, Satoru, and Suguru are all on campus at the exact same time. Itâs a bitterly cold December morning and youâre gathered in the smoking area. Sitting next to Suguru on a bench, you eye the cigarette, tempted to try, but decide better of it. Youâll settle for the smoke that curls in the air and clings to his clothes. You tilt to the side, putting your head on his shoulder, and Suguru settles his cheek on the top of your head. Satoru, across from you and munching on pocky, has been watching you two with an eerie intensity.
âYou two should come home to Kyoto with me.â
âMeeting the parents already?â The question was intoned by you and Suguru, at the exact same time. You lean away, glancing up at Suguru with the same surprise mirrored on his face, and then the two of you break out in a loud fit of laughter thatâs becoming depressingly rare these days.
Satoru stands there, red-faced and fuming. âSorry for wanting to spend my birthday weekend with you, you assholes!â
After collecting yourself and catching your breath, you ask, âAre we even allowed?â
âDoesnât matter if you are or not,â he replies with a shrug of the shoulder. âIâm head of the clan, baby. I can do whatever I want, and no one can say a damn thing about it.â
From next to you, Suguru snorts. âWhy donât you just stay here since you obviously donât want to go, Lord Gojo.â
âFuture head of the clan,â Satoru reluctantly grumbles. âI could stay here,â he goes on to defensively. âIâm just being a nice person! The last time I saw my parents was last year when I moved on campus. Iâm doing them a favor before Iâm eighteen and never looking back.â
âOh? Are you giving up your position when you graduate? Otherwise, youâll probably be seeing them to do fancy, important clan stuff,â you tease.
âScrew both of you!â If life were an anime, there would be steam blowing out of his ears right now. âI was even going to let you guys go all out when we get fitted, but now Iâm choosing for you, and Iâll put you in the ugliest colors!â
You cock your head to the side. âFitted?â
âThey want traditional clothes for the birthday celebration.â
âHow traditional?â
âOfurisode for you and montsuki for us,â he answers casually.
Oh, no. No, no, no. There have been only a few times where your parents rented a kimono for you, and you hated every single second of it. Granted, you were young, but you remember how much you hated it. âNo.â You shake your head. âAbsolutely not. I refuse.â
Satoruâs brows furrow. âEh? Why?â
âWhat do you mean why? I canât believe youâre okay with it! You donât like clothes clinging to you, right?â
âActually, itâs more like I hate when my clothes get wet. Besides, if something feels like itâs rubbing against me wrong, I can shift Infinity to sit between my skin and the fabric. Anyway, my montsuki are always silk, and I like how that feels.â
Your eye twitches. âYeah, well, not everyone has Infinity. Do you even know how many pieces there are in an ofurisode? Itâs so heavy and tight andââ you visibly shudder.
âGood point.â Satoru hums and taps his chin in thought. âBest I can do is a chu-furisode, though. I donât doubt that theyâd kick you out on your ass if you showed up in anything less formal or if we tried putting you in something for the married women.â
âYouâre forgetting something,â you point out wryly. âI can just not go.â
âSketch,â Satoru whines. âItâs my birthday.â
âWe can celebrate here before or after you leave.â
âAlso,â Suguru finally speaks up, âthatâs too much money.â
âOh, donât worry, my little country bumpkins. Itâs all on the Gojo dime and it wonât even be a drop in the bucket.â
Deadpan and once again at the same time, you and Suguru say, âRich boy.â
Satoru claps his hands together in front of himself, ducking his head. âPlease, please, please,â he loudly begs. âDonât leave me on my own with my shitty clan! Itâll be like a sleepover! You guys did those when you were kids, right? My one wish is that I get a turn having a sleepover with Sketch and Suguru!â
We have sleepovers every time youâre on campus, you aggressively think. But, after a moment of reflection, you realize that, actually, not all three of you have slept in the same room. On the few times that theyâve been on campus at the same time, neither of them tries to sneak into your room at night or text you to ask. You think you know what they do, though. Just as theyâve started to leave pieces of themselves in your room, you see them in each otherâs. And, sure, you could put that as them hanging out, but youâll sometimes catch whiffs of cigarette smoke on Satoruâs sheets and pillows.
You still want to tell him no. Itâs a daunting thought, being in an uncomfortable kimono, surrounded by people that donât even respect their own future clan head let alone people like you and Suguru who have no sorcery in your bloodlines. But what else is there to get the boy who has everything? AndâŚitâs a rare chance to have them to yourself because the higher-ups are giving him leave and, if Satoru insists, his family will request the same for you and Suguru.
âFine,â you agree with a frustrated sigh.
Suguru also gives a sigh of his own. âIâm smoking, whether Iâm allowed to or not.â
âBest birthday ever!â Satoru cheers.
***
For obvious reasons, Satoru puts off going on his clanâs estate as long as possible. There are people at the estate that could measure you and Suguru, but Satoru pulls you both into a shop thatâs probably so expensive that it costs to breathe. Youâre glad the prices arenât displayed. Thankfully, you donât really have to put up with strange hands all over you yet. They simply take a tape measurer to you and then let you pick out the fabric. Like Satoru, you decide on a beautiful silk that starts out forest green before fading to a navy blue near the bottom.
Kyoto is mostly religious sitsâtemples, castles, shrines, and the like. Itâs very beautiful. Satoru takes you both to the Fushimi Inari-taisha, a long path thatâs nothing but bright red torii gates. Satoru is surprisingly quiet, so itâs a peaceful moment. After the shrine, you wonder if it was just a way to calm you down before youâre forced to face the crowds to find food. ItâsâŚhonestly not as bad as you expected because with Satoru and Suguruâs huge bodies in front of and behind you, people canât bump into you that much.
Late in the afternoon, as the sun is setting, the three of you are in a random park. Satoru is dozing off, head in Suguruâs lap, and Suguru is reading a book. Itâs good inspiration, so you draw them. Not like thatâs anything unusual. You do feel a little sad, a little nostalgic when you flip through your personal sketchbook and see the gradual loss ofâŚyouth, you guess. Even Shoko isnât unaffected. You wonder how you look to everyone else.
At twilight, Satoru decides he canât stall anymore, and he finally picks up the phone that heâs been ignoring all day.
jjk
âYour parents arenât what I expected,â Suguru comments when the three of you shuffle into his obscenely large bedroom.
Meanwhile, your question is, âIs this not your room?â Sure, Satoru brought a lot of stuff when he moved on campus, but this room isâŚweirdly empty. Not a hint of his love for Digimon, no posters, and the bedsheets look like they belong to an older person rather than a teenager.
âRight? My parents are super weak. They were low on the Gojo ladder, but then they had yours truly, and theyâre practically worshipped now. Iâve never lived with them much, though. They handed me over to tutors and people who could teach me about sorcery,â Satoru explains. âI was in another section of the compound, but when I come to Kyoto, Iâm a good son and stay with my parents.â
Suguru voices what youâre both thinking. âSatoru, thatâsâŚreally sad. You know that, right?â
âEh.â Satoru shrugs off the concern. âItâs probably how every other rich kid is treated. Non-sorcerers get boarding schools, and I got training and missions.â
âMissions?â
âYeah?â Satoru cocks his head to the side, genuinely confused by your disbelief. âWhat? Iâm Gojo Satoru, wielder of the Six Eyes. You think I was sitting around on my ass until high school?â
Suguru is pressing a thumb against the center of his forehead. âIâm too tired to tell you how fucked up that is, Satoru. Weâll save it for another day.â
âAgreed,â you say with a nod. âAnd donât expect me to be polite to any of your family.â
âI donât get you guys, but okay. Letâs go to bed.â
It takes a bit of maneuvering. Thereâs some giggling when, as you three try to get settled in Satoruâs massive bed, you all bump into some ticklish spots. You argue even more about the positioning. Finally, you decide that the birthday boy is stuck in the middle. Besides, heâs always ice cold, so he wonât get too hot, anyway.
Satoru has an arm thrown around your shoulders and Suguruâs. Suguruâs cheek is up in the crook of Satoruâs neck while yours is above his heart. Itâs a nice sensation, listening to the frantic beat of Satoruâs heart slow as the minutes pass by. Suguru is half-asleep when he reaches out to lace his fingers through yours, placing them on Satoruâs stomach. Theyâre both asleep before you, which isnât a surprise. They must be exhausted, constantly coming and going on missions.
I wish I was stronger.
Strong enough to shoulder these burdens with them, strong enough to face down the old men that treat Satoru and Suguru like weapons to be used and feared, strong enough to stop childishly clinging to everyone else, strong enough to protect these so very precious moments, strong enoughâŚ
Iâm weak.
And thatâs a bitter truth but a still a truth regardless.
#satosugu x reader#geto x reader#gojo x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk gojo#jjk geto#jjk x reader#satoru gojo#suguru geto#autistic reader#autistic gojo#jjk fanfic
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Cassoscriptumling, the Written Media Borderling
The Cassoscriptumlings are Borderlings resembling large heaps of newspaper. Eyes dot most of their pages, and they move and blink as if they're functional. The printed text is unrecognizable to any human language. Black ink pools below the Cassoscriptumlings, but stains surfaces for only 24 hours before gradually fading. Their form are monstrous and vaguely humanoid with long, drooping snouts and gnarled, twisted fingers, which drip the same black ink as their underbellies. Arm count varies between individuals, coming with two to six pairs. Cassoscriptumlings with an odd number of arms are rare.
Touching the ink alters the Witness's ability to write coherent sentences, although the person isn't aware of the Borderlings' effects. This leads to confusion and hilarity once it wears off after an hour. The Witnesses called the species "the Calligraphers," after their way of rewriting existing print.
A corpse of a Cassoscriptumling shows that the creature has a similar cardiovascular system to ours with very little inaccuracies. Ink never seems to run out. The body's pages are blown to the wind after death, and their eyes and print slowly fade away.
The Cassoscriptumlings slowly move, dragging themselves similar to that of a mollusk. Sluggish and careful, they move without haste. They are never hostile and wouldn't strike or misuse their ink. They touch the bottom of each word while reading, which causes printing errors that vary from subtle to blatant.
Once finished with a newspaper or book, the Cassoscriptumlings place the book in a tedious manner and take out the next one they see. Typing errors vary each time they read.
One or two Cassoscriptumlings appear in one place after common closing hours, between 8pm to 4am. They seem to enjoy each other's company, resting their heads on one another and patting their backs, as if meeting an old friend or relative. The companionship changes when rewriting ink, as they push and shove in a slow, lazy manner. Only Impure Cassoscriptumlings can cause harm, pulling off paper from the other and writing misinformation on magazines.
They seem to coexist with the Inspectolings, sharing visual and written information. More to come when more information is given.
Witnesses who encounter the Cassoscriptumlings will receive newspapers at the front door of their homes once a week. Teleportation is instantaneous, and the Borderling appears only when delivering the paper. The newspapers include current locations of different Borderlings and what species are currently active.
A sample for one week. Dates change each week. i.e, Botanoling sightings will appear beginning at 8am, but in the 3rd week, they are mentioned again but appearing at 7am.
1. A factory at midnight - Agoralogoling
2. In the park's garden at 8am - Botanoling
3. The walk in freezer at 3am - Visceracrassusling
4. In front of a local CafĂŠ at 8pm - Scopoling
5. In the residential neighborhood at 11am - ( Tempestasling)
6. The sky at night ( no time given ) - Nubesbalaenaling
There are no dates given. A Witness must keep an eye out for these Borderlings during the times they manifest.
News of Witnesses' whereabouts are there in different segments along with occurances involving Borderlings. This helps other Witnesses to gather stories about sightings and help newcomers identify docile and hostile Borderlings.
The Cassoscriptumlings are found behind shops which sells newspapers, magazines and books. When manifesting, they generate as a single sheet of paper, blowing in the wind. Once it lands on the ground, ink bubbles around it and splits into more paper, similar to cell division. It duplicates and grows until it is a fully developed Borderling. Ink stains and scattered papers are telltale signs of its activity.
If you encounter a Cassoscriptumling, it's best to introduce yourself by taking a piece of paper and drawing an eye on it. Give it to the Borderling, and it will reply with a friendly greeting, drawing another eye on the opposite side of the paper, tracing yours. If the Borderling finds you interesting, expect your weekly newspaper to come the week after the greeting.
Image source
#isb#borderlings#i see Borderlings#cryptid#weirdcore#sightings#strange#monster#creatures#my art#artists on tumblr#surreal#eyes#tw scopophobia#scopophobia#ghost
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An Eternal Warpath for You and Me
Chreon scene from a "Leon gets infected with a variant of Wesker's superhuman virus" AU I've been tossing around in my head~
Leon's been caught and contained after a week of being an absolute threat against biohazard leads. Chris is still reeling from all of this. Pain ensues.
~
âIt would be so easy, Chris,â Leon murmurs, cat-like eyes unblinking. âJust a couple years of this⌠hell, maybe months. I could do so much-â
Chris squeezes the containment cell bars. âAnd then what? You know just as well as I do that our work never ends. When would it be enough for you?â
âYou say that as if our efforts are meaningless,â Leon clips. Heâs motionless against the opposite wall. At this point, it feels like Leonâs observing him behind a containment cell. Him - tired, heartbroken, Chris Redfield, wondering when he started losing hope.
Leon grimaces after he doesnât respond â god his eyes look so much like Weskerâs â and flexes his fingers. His skin subtly gleams with the setting sun, aged back years to peak human condition. It mismatches with the unholy glare in his eyes. âIâve done more work in the past week than my entire division covered in a year. Maybe Walsh was onto something.â
Was it a side effect of that prototype virus causing Leon to be like this? Or was it truly just his own logic, built up over years of service?
âSure you did. But I- we lost you for that whole week.â
Leon peers at him, as if heâs a stranger who just interrupted his monologue. âMe?â
âLook, if I got all utilitarian about this, Iâd give up and admit youâre right. Maybe it would be better for the world this way. But you know what? I canât â Iâm too selfish.â
âChrisâŚâ Leonâs voice is softer now. Nervous.
He blinks, only now putting the pieces together. He'd been so close to confessing that secret heâs buried inside him for years. No â Leon would never be persuaded by his foolâs wish for intimacy â especially the Leon watching him right now.
âForget I said anything,â Chris grits, shaking his head and stepping away from the bars. âIâm just⌠no. Look, we found the rest of Walshâs doses. If you really want to keep going, Iâll tell Rebecca to stop looking for a cure. Just⌠give me a day before you decide.â
Leonâs expression is unreadable, alien. âA day?â
Yes, a day to purge himself of the dreams of fighting as brothers in arms, of growing old together one day, of a tomorrow with possibilities.
Chris turns around and shuts the door. âYeah â a day to grieve the Leon Kennedy I knew.â
#resident evil#chreon#leon kennedy#chris redfield#bits and baubles#resident evil fanfiction#chris redfield x leon kennedy#leon kennedy x chris redfield#temporary brainworm tag
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From a scrap of paper found in the ruins of the conservatory, on Theta Sigma:
It was all a tremendous secret.
Lungbarrow, a House that hadn't been granted a looming for centuries, was to have a new child.
No member had died. None were missing, even, and if someone had passed they hadn't been left long enough to be sure. Of course some were terribly close, in the last decades of their last bodies, but it's impolite to wait for someone to die no matter how much you want a baby.
Lungbarrow couldn't afford a looming, let alone all the costs that followed itâso when the permit was issued, along with a generous grant directly from the Citadel, the shock went through every member of the House down to its very foundation.
One morning, the Kitriarch was fretting about where to buy appropriate biodataâgenetics of high quality were so hard to find these days and she wouldn't let the neighbouring Houses outdo her again. That evening, she had gone perfectly still.
The House Mother resumed fretting in her place: Everything had to be presentable, the TARDIS kept behind the barn, if you would, until the chameleon circuit was fixed and it looked clean again. The children were washed and stuffed in their best robes, then rushed to bed before anyone could witness the robes or check if they had really washed behind their ears.
The blinds were shut, keeping the night-cold out, but they couldn't block all the light of a landing ship. They couldn't hide the whirrs of stabilisers or the urgent hushed voices in the entrance hall. Some of the childrenâthe ones that didn't fear punishment or wished to satisfy their curiosity moreâlater whispered excitedly about Time Lords with high golden collars and about a shroud on the dining table. One, the youngest at the time and eager to hand off that status, claimed to see the face of a woman, eyes shut and dark skin gone grey. Nothing quite sure, nothing less exciting because of the vaporous rumours surrounding the matter.
The loom has been active since. No matter how busy, no-one in the House of Lungbarrow can resist watching it for hours at a timeâthe liquid inside sets and shifts and rises; in the centre particles gather like a salt crystal, slowly forming a foetus.
It's too early to say anything about them yet. One day they will have a future, a kaleidoscope of futures, almost certainly a number of bizarre ones considering their peculiar origin.
The Ministry of Loomography insists that reloomed biodata contains nothing but the base genetic code needed for the loom to function and any personality traits are set by the childe's primary education. But you can't quite believe that, can you? There has to be something strange about this one, considering how mysteriously they arrived.
There's a hush over the House. No one speaks of the loom. No two people go to see it at once, but everyone has visited and given their blessings. The entire house of Lungbarrow is holding its breath.
After two months, the childe will be taken from the weft, a boy with sharp eyes and a weak heart. Three days later, on Otherstide, he will be named, and five days after that he will reject his given name and take his own.
You always felt it. Something odd about him, this secret in Lungbarrowâone too many within these walls. He's bringing something upon the House. Something in the world has changed; a Division only just beginning to heal, or beginning to deepen.
For now, they're no more than a cluster of cells. Watch them grow. Watch the kaleidoscope shift. Witness their second beginning. Give them a future.
See what they make of it.
#theta sigma#writing#op#doctor who#wrote this in a single blurb yesterday#bits of this probably contradict canon but i don't care. i am playing with the gallifrey era like a set of playmobil houses
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@laffy-taffy-creations
So intrigued and would love to hear more about the horrors in developmental biology
You sent me a message but Iâm making a post because more people should know about this, and also itâs a little fun to tell people because itâs just the right amount of gross that everyone gets mad at me when I talk about it IRL
This is going to get long
OK so that meat berry thing is cellular biology which is my expertise but unfortunately my college didnât have enough classes for it to be a major, so they combined it with developmental biology and molecular biology. Molecular biology is basically what it sounds like, molecules that are necessary for cells and how cells acquire+move them around. Cell bio is all the stuff happening inside of cells so like the organelles inside of them and how they replicate+grow, so itâs one level higher in scale than moâ bio
The next scale up from cell bio is, well you have two options: microbio which is just like all of the single-cell organisms and how they interact with each other, and developmental biology which is about how cells in a multicellular organism grow and change over time
You see, all of your cells have the same DNA and all of your cells have always had and will always have all the same DNA. But: you donât have the same number of cells thru-out your life (you started as a single cell), and not all your cells act the same (your eyeball cells act differently than your stomach cells, for example)
This brings us to the fundamental question of dev bio: how do cells grow and change over their individual lifespans, and how do they grow and change over the lifespan of the organism?Â
And the extremely concise answer is: every cell âknowsâ where it is in the body because it came from a previous cell that âknewâ where it was, because that cell came from a previous cell that âknewâ and so on and so on back to the very first cell division.
So after the sperm and egg fuse into one cell (a zygote), that cell starts dividing into two cells which both âknowâ where they are in relation to the other one. Then those become four which all âknowâ, etc etc until the organism is fully grown.
and the follow-up question is âhow do they âknowââ? (ok Iâm going to drop the quotation marks but keep in mind that Iâm trying to limit the amount that I anthropomorphize biology)
and the extremely concise answer is: cell-cell signaling. A new stomach cell is only going to grow next to already-developed stomach cells which release signals that say âweâre stomach cells so you should be too!â. Those signal molecules enter the new cell and turn on all the âbe a stomach cellâ genes and turn off all the âbe an eyeball cell or any other kind of cellâ genes. But those genes still exist in those stomach cells
OK weâre getting p close to the answer but I need to shift to give you a bit better of an understanding of how do we know anything about which gene does what thing? Well.......unfortunately.................the main way to know is............................we break or otherwise silence the gene and then watch what happens to the organisms without it. Or..............over-activate a gene and watch what happens when thereâs too much of whatever that gene codes for. These strategies only work for genes where the absence or over-expression isnât lethal to the organism and weird side effect is that we know more about chromosome 21 in humans because people with down syndrome have an extra one, and we know more about the sex chromosomes in humans because some people are born with only one or with too many (there are different names depending on how many people get. So someone with one X chromosome has a different diagnosis name than someone who has XXX or XXY, etc)
fortunately we have some scientific ethics so the majority of dev bio is done on plants. I took a lot of plant bio classes as a result. However, the people funding scientific research donât want to learn about plants, they want to learn about people. So we have a number of animals that we decided are ethical to experiment on because animals are more similar to humans. One of those is fruit flies, which are already really gross. And if the primary way of designing experiments is to turn on/off genes at moments and in locations that theyâre not supposed to be on/off then................youâre going to get some really fucked up fruit flies
So I had to read a paper that iirc was about âwhen are the âbecome an eyeballâ genes turned on (in fruit flies as they develop in eggs)?â. The researchers already knew which signal molecule turned on the âthis cell should become an eyeballâ gene and they had a bunch of fruit fly eggs and a bunch of this signal molecule and they injected the molecule into each egg at a different time and they used a dose that was much higher than what would normally be produced by fly fetuses. Iirc the molecule would break down in a certain period of time so eggs that got the molecule too early would still end up with two eyes because the additional amount would break down and then theyâd produce the normal dose in the normal location to activate two eyes. And eggs that got it too late would also have two eyes, organisms have some literal biological clocks that make it so a lot of genes canât be activated after theyâre supposed to be. This is why trans men donât experience a growth in height when they hormonally transition after puberty, testosterone is a signal molecule for a lot of genes but the âgrow taller during pubertyâ gene canât be activated after puberty.
OK back to the flies: the eggs that git the high dose at the right time got soo much of the signal molecule and got it all over its body that it grew too many eyes. There were pictures. Absolutely covered in eyes. And the cells at the edges of the eyes knew that they only wanted to be next to eye cells and whatever cells flies have right next to their eyes, so as a result all the abnormal eyes were bulging out and hanging off of the flyâs body in order to maximize their distance from the body parts they were growing next to
Most of the professors for my dev bio classes worked with plants but the one that made me read that paper for homework worked with fruit flies and she just had this glee in her voice every time we talked about fruit flies which made the whole thing that much worse. If someone told me about this and was clearly grossed out about it then I would think theyâre a safe person to be around, but if theyâre giddy then it makes me think that theyâd do similar experiments on me if not for the scientific ethics that we have in place
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Technology
Momentum grows for cell phone bans in schools
Cell phone bans for schools are surging across the country as educators and state lawmakers look to tackle learning loss and reduce distractions, but within the movement there are significant divisions.Â
New York City, Los Angeles and the state of Virginia have all moved to forbid student phones from classrooms in recent weeks, despite some parental backlash on the measures.
Parents fear not being able to reach their children during a school shooting or other emergency, while the pesky problem of how to actually keep technology out of young hands poses a practical challenge.
âI think we have good science to show that banning cell phones in classrooms during class time is really important,â said Mitch Prinstein, chief science office for the American Psychological Association.Â
âWe know that because thereâs no such thing as multitasking. We all are just engaging in task-shifting back and forth, and kidsâ brains are not fully developed enough to be able to task-shift as well as adults,â Prinstein added. âSo itâs really important for academic achievement that we have those cell phones out of the classroom.â
Virginia is the latest to take action on phones in school after Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R) directed the stateâs Department of Education to draft guidance for schools on creating policies âthat establish the age-appropriate restriction or elimination of cell phone use during instructional time.â
âThis essential action will promote a healthier and more focused educational environment where every child is free to learn. Creating cell phone and social media-free educational environments in Virginiaâs K-12 education system will benefit students, parents, and educators,â Youngkin said last week.
Other major metropolitan areas serving hundreds of thousands of students have also jumped on the wagon to create phone-free environments.Â
New York City Public Schools is looking into policies on getting rid of phones, and the Los Angeles school board approved a policy to restrict the devices, although the details of how Americaâs two biggest cities will get the job done have not been finalized.Â
Some are advocating for students not to have their phones at all throughout the school day.
âThere are many, many, many reasons why a class-time, instruction-time policy doesnât work,â said Sabine Polak, co-founder of Phone-Free Schools Movement.Â
Polak said a ban on phones only during class puts the burden on teachers to police classrooms, and that students are less likely to socialize face-to-face during lunch or other breaks if they have access to screens. Class-only bans also leave the phones available for illicit activities such as recording and taking photos, she said.
A recent survey by Pew Research Center found 72 percent of high school teachers believe phones are a major distraction to students, though only 33 percent of middle school teachers and 6 percent of elementary educators feel the same way.
All-day bans have been undertaken by multiple school districts, with Renesha Parks, chief wellness officer at Richmond Public Schools in Virginia, previously telling The Hill her district invested in pouches designed for students to put their phones in when they arrive and which cannot be opened until the end of the day.
âThe phone canât be left on the person unless it is in a locked pouch like a Yondr pouch,â Polak said. âWe found that even if they are locked away in personal lockers, kids are still finding ways to leave the classroom in order to access their phones.âÂ
But others say the focus should be on class time, since itâs the most important for student focus.
âIn general, we should be limiting the amount of time that kids are on social media. However, there is no research that says whether doing it in the three minutes before classes or doing it at home is any different or, you know, better or worse,â Prinstein said.Â
While 82 percent of K-12 teachers say their school has a cell-phone policy, according to the June Pew Research survey, 30 percent of those educators say it is hard to enforce them.
Classroom-only bans would also help parents who fear not having access to their children during an emergency event, though advocates of cell phone bans argue such access could in fact increase the danger.
âAs far as like big emergencies [âŚ] your child is more unsafe if they have their phone on them when thereâs an emergency because their attention is distracted. They are not paying attention when their teachers are giving guidance on what theyâre supposed to be doing because they are too worried about trying to text friends or family to let them know things are OK,â said Mileva Repasky, co-founder of Phone-Free Schools movement.Â
As for students, Pew found 70 percent of 13- to 17-year-olds say there are more benefits than harms to phones, and 45 percent believe phones make it easier to do better in school.
And some land on the studentsâ side, arguing that even bans outside of class time are a step backward.Â
âI take the opposite stance here, because I think that banning cell phones is, at best, a missed opportunity, and at worst, maybe not worse, but one of the more harmful results that I can predict is that it will actually produce a group of kids who arenât prepared to be productive in society,â said Bill Salak, CTO of Brainly, an online education platform.
âI would say this is a problem that should be solved on the spot, locally, at the most local level, so teachers reprimanding and escalating problems that are happening in their classrooms. Parents being more involved, parents being better educated and this is where schools and parents can connect, and schools can talk to parents about tools to install on your kidâs cell phone to limit their access to social media during school hours,â he added. âThereâs all these tools that that if schools and parents are working together and theyâre communicating like weâre going to have a better outcome than just using a giant hammer to say, ban all cell phone use in school.â *Reposted article from The Hill by Lexi Lonas on July 16, 2024
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The View from Down Under
The rarest treasures are often the ones hardest to decipher: that which operates only within the interior of the epistemè, obscured from outsiders. A secret path back home. An anachronous story which changes with the tellerâs inflections, their changing dispositions. If thereâs one thing the West excelled at (at least since the onset of market libertarianism) it was making its own story accessible. Perhaps accessible is not quite the right word here. Unavoidable might serve more aptly. 24/7 availability, the dream that never sleeps. Excitement in your face, your eyes bleeding, a narrative of Capital Realism that engulfs the horizon. What can you even say about a story thatâs so catchy it sticks in your head even as it strangles you? Its jingles and theme tunes ringing in your cells, snaking through your interior circuits? The lens changes: what you see when your eyes become free from the joy of hunger, defined only by the absences of what you can and cannot take. Apocalypse is only a secret whose articulation would certify the egoâs erasure. Scare it into a bullet. The original trick. Fascismâs pull works best behind a pretty face. Gather enough pretty faces, arrange them to cover over your dark corners, and you can divert attention from any atrocity, any factory polluting as it builds its landfill or its bombs. The beautiful ones, the lucky ones. Soon youâll be made to feel crazy, a paranoid fool, for pointing at anything beneath the surface. The beautiful face becomes the arena within which the ongoing dialectic of division plays indefinitely. A white face, an androgynous face, a coloured face, a trans face, all of them beautiful faces pointing towards the edges of a misplaced sense of self-righteous anger that is tied to our sense of belonging from one moment to the next, and the distinct sense that the battlegrounds of identity have been constructed to keep us looking out to our other in envy. How might we place ourselves in the centre of gravity once again? Donât they realise how much we have struggled too? The algorithmâs inner logic: a magical formula that predicts and predicates profits on the margins of social dissolution.
But perhaps weâre getting ahead of ourselves here a little. Letâs step back for a moment and think about the dream we had, the one which confuses the hell out of us every time we think on it: not necessarily in a way that leaves us frustrated or exacerbated on the knifeâs edge of reason, but rather in the same way that we might imagine it to be pleasing for the plant to think of the different routes it might travel of a day in order to best drink up the sunâs energy. This must be what they mean by âquantaâ, the superposition of that which is unable to be measured. Nothing in its box. Fixed categories, the static noise of holy conception, trickling and clicking in susurrations and blips through the skin. To stay indefinitely in this gelatinous state of mass, though impossible, must at times seem tempting. To lay snug in our beds comfortably, our needs, our hungers fed intravenously, or via some hare-brained rendition of the digital cloud, must seem something close to a post-lapsarian, pre-eminent paradise. Cycles beget cycles, our bodies growing towards the sun, the moon and various other heavenly bodies, cell by cell. Forget the false binary of dead-cat-living, we are all of us swarms of creatures, balancing tentatively, the species of the brain aware only through a kind of mass-extrapolatory intuition of those in the belly, the mouth, the lungs, the throat, your fingers, the soles of your feet. If only we didnât have to go to work on Monday, or the day after that. But, I guess every Matrix comes with its own built-in Neo. The egoâs storm clouds. An interior gut punch, a vortex in the pit of your belly. Why canât we dream forever?
As you walk the dusty streets you realise yourself as the inconsolable deficit. You are white skinned like itâs some kind of blessing. You wear trousers like a man does. You stand up at the urinal to pee, itâs true. Ugly stubble prickles the skin on your face. The chemicals raging in your body, along with the 10y gap in any sense of physical intimacy with another person, have you falling into the embarrassing slobbery drawl of the gaze, staring at what you believe to be the solution to your shortfall: slender, smooth-skinned, expensive clothes, perfect hair, an alluring scent, the ultimate in sublimation, and you have to alleviate yourself from the male fantasy that these angelic beings emerged from heavenâs egg perfectly constructed as if by the hand of God Themself, and that youâre some kind of Odysseus, strapped to the mast of his own ship, navigating through the sublime waters of the sirens. Youâre reminded, too, of the cultural boneyard that is Sydney/Gadigal, its highways superimposed on top of sacred spaces, travelling grounds for the one remaining world culture that can provide evidence of continuous cultural practices that date back (according to Neale & Kelly) for at least tens of thousands of years. Itâs only in recognition that our problems are skin deep in comparison, the realisation that to approach the problem with the requisite curiosity and open-heartedness of the dreamer, rather than the knower, means also to leave behind the tools you have collected to make sense of the world.
Iâm a settler, but arenât we all? According to various socio-political models which attempt to make sense of, and demystify the automated rollout of self-replicating power structures, what seems most urgent is to develop a sense of class-consciousness, a sense of unification that can come only with the recognition of our shared agency, to halt the ongoing hegemony of market freefall. To examine the relationship of âWesternâ models of learning and the culturally diverse and variegated systems of knowledge evident in First Nations people throughout the world, feels analogous to the image of a man, dying of thirst who, when approaching the river, thinks immediately that the water is his by right. The cultural work of today is an ongoing labour of building bridges and reforesting places drained of life-force. To recognise our common despairs, but also to find a way to share the joys. Australiaâs last hope for cultural identity is to recognise its ongoing systems of oppression, to understand what colonises all of us, to see the pollution of domination, control, fixation, for the mental pollution that it is. If I can approach this task with honesty, sincerity patience and understanding, then maybe one day Iâll be able to say, in sincerity, that I have done the work of an Australian, and I will call it my home.
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Snakeskin (Sephiroth/Reader) (ch. 8/?)
AO3 / Pillowfort
Rating: Explicit
Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14
Tags: First Time, Reader-Insert, Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Frank Discussions of Past Rape/Abuse, Everyone is Queer, Canon-Compliant (if you squint), Pre-Crisis-Core Seph, Slow Burn, i continue to disappoint my friends and family, sephiroth is a virgin and in this essay i will, Reader is a Cis Woman, fluffy sex, Praise Kink, Gratuitous Biochemistry
Summary:
You are a young biologist, fresh out of graduate school, working in Shinra's R&D Division under Professor Hojo. You had long since given up on finding a partner and starting a family, preferring instead the company of your cell samples and your scientific instruments.
As the conflict in Wutai worsens, you strike up an unexpected friendship with a First Class SOLDIER.
(Sephiroth/Reader Slow Burn)
TW's for this chapter:Â We're finally making good on that E rating. Read with discretion and make sure your grandma's out bowling or something.
---
That night, you peeled the gauze off of your hand. The cut Masamune had left was, fortunately, shallow: an angry gash, like a paper-cut, across your palm. Dried blood stained the bandage. You flexed your hand and winced against the answering jolt of pain. Doing lab work with it was going to be challenging, to say the least.
Before work the next day, you grabbed gauze from the corner store and tried to wrap your hand. Sephirothâs impeccable bandaging technique was impossible to replicate, and as the sun rose higher over the horizon, you gave up and went to work with gauze dangling from your palm.
Hammond was the first to notice. âWoah. What happened there?â
You draped your coat over the back of your chair. The office was near-empty now, sitting awkwardly in the nothing stretch between the holidays and New Yearâs. âJust, uh. Cooking accident? I cut my hand real bad slicing avocados.â You mimed cutting your hand with a knife.
Hammond let out a sympathetic hiss and shook his head.
---
That night, you went in to feed the cells. 029 had died from mako exposure, but J - 180 - L - 9177 lookedâŚdifferent.
The cells were now thriving.
You placed the plate underneath the microscope and increased the magnification. The cells had the same strange appearance as before: irregular, clawing shapes, with multiple nuclei to a cell and that sickly gray cast. But cells now crowded the once-bare plate, pressing up against each other and against the dish, as if they were straining to get out. Even considering the time between when you had last fed them and now, this was an outrageous explosion of growth: from freezer-burned and forgotten, to climbing over themselves for space.
It was time to split the line if you wanted to keep growing them. Splitting involved making a brand-new plate using a few cells from 029-1: your current plate. It was risky enough cultivating one plate, let alone multiple. But J - 180 - L - 9177âs ravenous appetite for mako haunted you; how could you pass up the opportunity to learn what was different about these? After all, youâd be in just as much trouble with Hojo when he found the first plate versus when he found the seventeenth plate, several generations in.Â
You took a fraction of the J - 180 - L - 9177 cells and placed them into a brand-new Petri dish, covering them with warm liquid media. This new plate, you decided, would be labeled as 029-2. The name was just vague enough to avoid suspicion while still following a naming convention you recognized: "2nd generation of stolen cells." There was no mako currently allotted to your lab, and so you couldnât dose them without arousing suspicion.
You grabbed a clean tube. Within it, you mixed a second portion of the thriving J - 180 - L - 9177 cells with glycerol, producing a viscous back-up culture that could be frozen in cryo until you needed to regrow them again. You placed the tiny tube in the storae tank, hidden amongst your other, older samples that no one ever touched.
The original J - 180 - L - 9177 (still in disguise as 029-1) went into the biohazard, like 029 before it.
---
On New Yearâs Eve, you stayed home. Somewhere in the middle of the night, you received a single text from Sephiroth: his gloved hand holding a sparkler in the dark. You tweaked the brightness on your phone. Barely visible in the background was a bustling SOLDIER encampment. Sparklers dotted the grassy landscape like stars.
You smiled, cheeks growing hot, and typed out a reply:
>> :)
Later the next morning, Sephiroth sent another message.
>>Missing you fiercely.
You fell asleep that night wondering how it would feel to kiss him as the clock struck twelve. Like sparklers, you thought: like stars of hope against the dark.
---
It was hopeless, you thought to your reflection in the barracks elevator. No matter how gentle you tried to be with the eyeshadow, you still put too much on. You groaned as your index finger came away black with mascara. At least you chose a skirt that fit a little better this time; you felt less like an overgrown toddler and more like Sephiroth's equal.
As the elevator climbed to the 43rd floor, you thought back to the last message Sephiroth had sent you that afternoon: come hungry. That didnât sound like someone who was apt to kick you out Saturday morning. Then again, you could never tell.Â
The elevator chimed quietly and opened up to that sleek white hallway. Snowflakes clumped against the window at the end. Below, Midgar twinkled in the fog. An overnight bag thumped against your left arm as you walked; even someone who hated their partner liked them to at least spend the night. Your medication rattled inside.
You didnât understand what âcome hungryâ meant: was it literal (as in, come hungry for food), or was it an innuendo? Despite yourself, you felt a little sick as you knocked on 4301.
How was it possible that you could fall over yourself to come here, could even look forward to this, and still feel like you were sticking your head in a guillotine?
He wonât hurt you, you thought to yourself, over and over. He wonât hurt you.Â
Sephiroth opened the door in an apron, his black shirt rolled up to his sleeves. âYouâre just in time,â he sighed. âIâm just about done.â
The smell of spices and cooking meat hit you all at once. Oh, come hungry, as in, I am going to feed you actual food, not my dick. You were right to skip dinner before coming up. The nervousness began to ease, as did the nausea.
Sephiroth walked into the kitchen as you were kicking off your heels. âYou hungry?â he asked. Over the bar top, you could see a tall pot steaming on the stove, which he was peering into like it was a scrying pool. A strainer full of egg noodles sat on the countertop nearby. Next to the strainer sat two gleaming bowls, illustrated with a lush forest; if you squinted, you could make out a black bear peering out from the trees. The apartment was warm to the point of being uncomfortable.
âVery,â you said.Â
He came over to the counter. "Take your coat off. Sit. Get comfortable." He gestured to the bag on your shoulder. "What's that?"
You looked down at it and shrugged it off of you, as if you had casually forgotten it was there. "An overnight bag," and, oh damn it, your voice cracked. "Just like, some clothes? And my meds?"
You watched as the corners of Sephirothâs lips twitched upwards in response. He was wearing jeans this time: a worn, acid-washed pair that looked a decade out of fashion. "You came prepared." There was a different kind of breathlessness to his voice this time, and it sounded suspiciously like excitement. You felt yourself smile and hid it against your shoulder until he had returned to the stove.
Whatever he was making, it smelled incredible: savory, burning hot, and perfect for a snowy night in January. You pulled yourself up onto one of the bar chairs. From here, you could watch Sephiroth over the counter as he spooned a dark red soup into each bowl. The front of the refrigerator was a mess of magnets, photographs on film, and souvenirs. Â
As he topped each bowl with a generous heap of noodles, he spoke again. âIâm realizing now I didnât ask if you had any allergies. Or if you ate meat.â
You shook your head. There was nothing in front of you you couldnât eat, and anyway, you werenât about to turn down a home-cooked meal he had clearly slaved over. âIâm good.â
He looked up at you as he opened the fridge. âAre you sure? I can make you something different.â
The idea of Sephiroth breaking himself over again, just for your comfort, at once startled and soothed you. He looked as if heâd toss the entire meal into the trash and start over again if you said the word. âIâm sure. IâmâŚreally excited, actually?â
âGood.â You watched as he dug in the fridge and extracted two Chocobo eggs, larger than life and speckled with blue dots.Â
âDonât SOLDIERs have a meal plan theyâre supposed to follow?â
âThey do,â said Sephiroth carefully. He cracked one egg into each bowl, tossed the shells into the sink. âThis fits my macros.â He smirked and added, âWill you tell on me?â
You shook your head, grinning.Â
The meal he set in front of you was some kind of stew. The Chocobo egg, runny and perfect, steamed atop a red miso broth laden with vegetables and a dark, fatty meat.Â
You jumped as you felt a gentle hand on your back. Sephiroth had rounded the corner from the kitchen and had put a hand between your shoulder blades to warn you. He set his own bowl in front of the seat beside you.Â
âIâve still got that Junon red left,â he said. âDo you want a glass?â
âMm-hmm.â
He touched that space between your shoulder blades again as he passed you. You felt yourself melt into the touch, chasing it even though he was already back in the kitchen, rooting around for two wine glasses. When you picked up your chopsticks and poked at your meal, the egg yolk broke and ran into the broth.Â
The first mouthful was perfect. You happily tucked in to your meal, only looking up long enough to thank Sephiroth for setting a fresh glass of wine in front of you. The red miso broth mixed perfectly with the strips of beef, the bean sprouts, the egg, and the bok choy. He sat next to you, looking comically small for the bar chair when your feet couldn't even touch the ground. The two of you ate in content silence for a while.
When your bowl was half-finished, you took a sip of the wine: it was just as good as you remembered.Â
Sephiroth nudged your bare foot with his and leaned towards you. âDid you like it?â
âI loved it.â There was enough for two meals in front of you; you felt pleasantly sated. Sephiroth had already cleaned his bowl and was now eyeing yours with a slight tinge of envy.
You pushed your bowl towards him, and he shook his head. âNo,â he said. âWeâll save that for next time.â
Next time? You two hadnât slept together, had done hardly anything together, and there was already going to be a next time? You took a gulp of wine so you could hide your expression from him.
He stood. âYouâre thinking again.â
âHow do you know?â you said to the countertop.
âYou get very, very quiet,â he said. âWell," and he tilted his hand this way and that, "quieter than normal.â His hand appeared in your vision as he removed your bowl. âAnd you suddenly look exhausted.â
You rested your chin on your forearm while you twirled the wineglass against the counter. The dark red liquid danced in the light. âIâm always exhausted.â
âI want you to feel relaxed while youâre here.â The remaining soup was sealed in glass containers, which Sephiroth then placed in the fridge. âNot stressed.â
âI donât feel stressed now.â The nausea from out in the hall had abated. Maybe Sephiroth was good with working with traumatized people; maybe he was using some high-level magic on you.
Or maybe, you thought, you just naturally relaxed around him.
He chuckled as he loaded the dishwasher. âWell, good.â He turned to face you, leaning up against the counter with a smile. You stared at his exposed forearms, the way the muscle stretched taut to accommodate his weight. âThen Iâm doing my job.â
You looked away from him. There was still that bowl of clementines on the far counter, next to an espresso machine. In the corner of the kitchen was a stacked washer and dryer, both Shinra-co. branded and featuring more dials and knobs than you had ever seen in your life. In fact, everything in his kitchen was from Shinra: the fridge, the dishwasher, even the espresso machine.
You turned back to Sephiroth, who had already removed his apron and was hanging it on the wall next to the fridge. âI did it again. The, uh, the thinking? Iâm sorry.â
âDonât,â he said gently. âYou have nothing to be sorry for.â
You stared into your wine glass as he rounded the corner into the living room. He hesitated next to you.Â
âIf I may,â Sephiroth said quietly.Â
When you looked up, he shifted from foot to foot and cleared his throat, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looked so shy again. How did he do that, you thought, oscillate from confident to shy and back again?
You set the glass back down on the counter and inclined your head. âYou may,â you said.
âYou lookâŚâ He took a deep breath, eyes roaming the length of your body. âAbsolutely, astonishingly beautiful.â
Your breath hitched. âWait, youâŚ?â You sat up. âAre you serious?â
He gave you a withering look, the inquisitive tilt of his head asking if you had bumped yours on the way in.
âSeph.â
He laughed and rolled his eyes. âYes, I mean it,â he said. âI wouldnât say that if it wasnât true.â
âIâŚâ You blinked hard and looked down at your feet. That tender, oozing feeling was back in your belly. You smiled at the floor. âThanks.â
âYouâre welcome.â
A tense silence descended upon the two of you. You rubbed your calf with your heel and looked up. Sephiroth was studying the hallway off to his left, as if it was suddenly the most interesting place heâd ever seen.Â
You slid off of the bar chair. Sephiroth looked back to you.
You shuffled forward and tentatively placed a hand on his chest, at your eye level. For a while, you stood there, Sephiroth watching you as you felt his heartbeat under your palm. He seemed so patient, the look in his eyes hopeful. You felt small around him, but it was beginning to feel less like you were prey.
No: you felt small in a good way, more like a cherished object on a shelf, or like a well-loved pebble in a childâs pocket.Â
When you touched your forehead to his sternum, he sighed as if he had been waiting for you. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders. The two of you stood there, holding each other in comfortable silence. You pressed your cheek to his chest and closed your eyes. The soft fall of his hair brushed your back, your face, as he bent down and pressed his nose against the top of your head, breathing deeply. He smelled like the flowers he had given you.
You spoke up first, quiet like you two were in a church. âYou feel nice.â
âSo do you.â His voice was equally hushed.
You craned your neck to look up at him. âWould it hurt you to kiss at this angle?â
He crinkled his nose at you when he smiled. âWhy? Do you have something better in mind?â
You walked your fingers across his pectorals. âWe couuuldâŚsit down?â
Sephiroth let go of you and beckoned you to follow him with a smile. You wordlessly trailed after him, helpless to his pull, like he was one of those burning sparklers in the field on New Yearâs Eve: warm and bright and inviting against the backdrop of snow falling over the city. When he sat down, you settled on the couch next to him, and before you could say anything, he teased, âThis wonât hurt either of us,â and leaned down to kiss you again. It felt every bit as wonderful as the first time, just as you remembered it: he was passive, letting you surge up into the kiss and press up against him. His fingertips danced along your spine, and you shivered with pleasure.Â
He pulled away. There was already a cramp in your neck from the odd angle, but, you thought, better uncomfortable than sorry. When he had laid you down against the couch, you had dissociated on him. Better to keep sitting up. You brushed the hair out of his eyes, and to your amazement, he leaned his cheek against your hand, chasing the touch, like he couldnât get enough of you.
You rubbed the side of your neck. âCan I...can I sit in your lap?â
âPlease do,â he responded.
You swung your leg over his lap and straddled him. Sephirothâs eyes flashed with glee as you settled on top of him to kiss him again. He honest-to-God moaned against your mouth, sending a hot rush of arousal through you. He seemed hesitant to move his hands past the small of your back.
âSeph,â you murmured.
âMm?â
âYou can, um.â You took a deep breath and steadied yourself. âYou-y-you can try touching me.â
âOn one condition.â
You scoffed. Of course there's a catch. âAlright. What is it?â
âCall me Seph again?â Sephiroth said it quietly, almost under his breath, as if he was embarrassed to ask you.Â
You felt a surge of protectiveness over this man, locked away in his gilded cage at the top of the world, waiting on pins and needles for the chance to touch you again. You held his face in your hands, watched his eyes flash with that boyish hope again. âSeph,â you whispered against his mouth, and he leaned up to kiss you again, fierce and hungry.Â
âIâve never had a nickname,â he said when he pulled away.
You rubbed your thumbs against his cheeks. Everything about him was so soft, so unbearably good. âDo you like it?â
âI do,â he purred, and he tilted his head, leaning in towards you, seeming to say without words, please kiss me again, that question in his eyes as to whether youâd actually do it, and God, you wanted to. You indulged him and leaned down to his lips.
Finallyâ blessedlyâ his hands fell to your ass, pulling you against him. He didnât grab or drag you, you noticed with relief; in fact, he seemed tentative, his fingers dancing up and down your back again, like he wasnât sure where to touch first. You cupped the back of his neck and sighed into his mouth. You felt like you were going to burst into confetti.
âIs this alright?â Sephiroth murmured.
âItâs great,â you breathed. âKeep going.â
His right hand broke away and wandered curiously up your thigh, darting under the hem of your skirt. You tensed, but he didnât go further, instead resting his palm on your leg near your hip. You gently stroked his hand and, when he didnât move, lifted it and placed it on the small of your waist. He kneaded the soft flesh he found there, making you gasp and buck your hips. Judging by the way he kissed you harder in response, he liked how it felt, too.Â
You counted your limbs. Yes, you had two hands on his shoulders, and your legs were folded underneath you. You took slow inventory of yourself: your hair in his fingers now, your ass sitting firmly in his lap, your knees on the couch cushions, your heart racing in your chest.Â
But then he pulled away and murmured, âShow me where.â
You took a deep breath. There was a right answer and a wrong answer to this; you knew as much from other partners. âAnywhere,â you whispered. âAnywhere youâd like.â
He shook his head. âNone of that. I want to know.â
You hesitated. Held this close, there was nowhere for you to hide from him, but the idea of begging for what you wanted from him was mortifying. Your voice was soft as you settled for, âI donât know what I want.â
âYou donât know?â He shifted your weight on his lap. âThat makes two of us.â
You snorted. âIââ
âYouâre sorry. I know.â
You covered your face; your cheeks were burning. âYouâre terrible.â
He reached up to your cheek, brushed a thumb against it. You followed his touch like a moth following the flame. âAre you shy?â
âMoreâŚembarrassed?â
He laughed and closed his eyes. His thumb passed over your cheek again: affectionate, apologetic. âSo you do know, and youâre not telling me.â When he opened his eyes again, you squinted against the mako glow. âDo you think Iâll judge you?â
The joke fell out of your mouth before you could stop it. âWouldnât be the first time someone did.â
His face fell. He brushed his knuckles against your cheek. You moved your head out of his reach. He said, âThat wonât do,â and you werenât sure what he was referring to.
You shook your head. This conversation (the âmy life is a terrible daytime soap youâd see on Channel 6 and Iâm real fucked up about itâ conversation) was always uncomfortable; at worst, it would sound a death knell for whatever good thing this was. No one wanted a fuck-up in their bed.
Fear welled up from deep within you. You looked down at his chest, watched it rise and fallâ it was unsteady, you realized, because he was just as aroused and nervous as you were. You picked at a loose thread on his shirt.
Out of the corner of his eye, you saw his head tilt. âWe could talk about it.â
âThereâs a lot,â you said softly. Oh, there was the lump in your throat, right on schedule. The tears were fast approaching. âMaybe another time.â
âWould you like to stop?â His voice was gentle; you wished it wasnât. It was somehow worse, you thought, when the other person was actually listening. You stopped picking at the thread, put your palm over his heart instead. When you didnât respond, he traced a finger up your spine.
You cleared your throat, but the lump wouldnât leave. âI just donât like being asked,â you said, âwhat I like.â
âOkay.â He didnât sound upset; if anything, he was still being gentle (too gentle) with you. âWhy?â
âNo-no one ever really wants to know.â Tears pricked at your eyes. âI th-thin-think they do it to feel, like, better about whatever comes next.âÂ
He pressed a warm palm against your back. âI do want to know.â He sighed. âIâŚdonât know what to do.â
âYou donât have to do anything about it.â
âNo,â he said. He hesitated again; when you looked up, he was looking away. He knit his brow: the expression of frustration was so naked, so childish, that you sat up straight. âI mean, Iâm not sure how to touch you.â
âLikeâŚ?â
He tilted his head this way and that. The hand at your back fluttered. âI donât have much experience with women. OrâŚâ He flicked his hair out of his eyes. âAny experience with women.â
The shock hit you all at once. For a moment, you stared at him in silence.Â
A blush started from his nose and spread across his face.
âOh my God,â you said softly. âNot at all?â
He leaned back against the couch and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. âDo your worst,â he sighed.
âYouâŚ?â Sephiroth wandered Gaia looking like that and had never once found a woman in his bed? The sheer number of members in the Silver Elite suggested he was not without options. To think, you had been so fearful of him rejecting you for someone prettier, more experienced, when all along he had been frightened of you. All you could do was stammer. âSeph, seriously? Never?â
He spoke to the ceiling. took a deep breath; it sounded like he had rehearsed this many times in his head, waiting for the day to tell you. âOnce you best them in training enough times, everyone stops talking to you. Youâre just competition after that.â He closed his eyes, shook his head. âBy the time I made 1st, I became untouchable. EveryoneâFooled around a few times in training,â he said, âBut only with other male recruits. Lockers, the showers, dorms. Always in secret. I never got very far.â He ât help that I donât look right.â
You toyed with the ends of his hair. âThatâs terrible.â
âIâm well aware.â The bitterness in his tone was palpable. He added, âIt doesnât help that I donât look right.â
Had the elevator taken you to another planet?  âWhat do you mean you donât look right?â You gestured at him with his free hand, feeling helpless. âYouâreâŚ.you.â
âUnfortunately.â
âCome on. Donât say that.â
He scoffed.Â
You busied yourself with working out a knot from his hair. The silence in the room felt heavy.Â
Here was a fresh slate for the both of you, an opportunity to sow something new: no bad habits for him to unlearn, no desire to force you or take what he wanted out of expectation. You let go of his hair, braced your hands against his chest. You wanted to be good for him, and not just to sate him: to give him safe harbor, the same as he had offered you.Â
âIâm honored to be your first,â you said.
He wouldnât look you in the eye. That faint pink tinge hadnât left his cheeks, so vivid against his pale skin.
You leaned down and caught his eye. He looked up at you with surprise, like he had forgotten you were there.
âItâs not hard,â you said. âI promise. Iâll help you.â
A smile tugged at the corner of his lips: self-deprecating, shy again. âAnd here I thought youâd leave.â
You grinned. His eyes lit up with delight. âIâm a good teacher.â
âI know you are.â He gently pulled your forehead down so he could kiss it. âShall we move to the bedroom?â
This was it. Donât, the voice in your brain pled. You wonât be able to come back from this. You wonât be able to stop him.
But that wasnât right. He had had every opportunity to hurt you the last time you were here, and instead he had stopped what he was doing and put a blanket over you, held you while you cried, sent you flowers. He had told you something you weren't sure he told anyone before.
Heâs trying to show you that he likes you, you thought. This is how heâs doing it.
So you took a deep breath, slid off of his lap, and said, âSure.â
He stood and took your hand. You let him lead you past the couch and down a sharp left turn into that narrow hallway. The kitchen was open to you on your right; on the wall ahead of you hung a painting, showing lush, rolling fields. âThe Western continent,â Sephiroth said when he followed your gaze. There was a small white door off to the right; presumably the bathroom, because Sephiroth turned left instead and led you into an enormous bedroom.
The walls of his room were a dark cream color, like coffee made with too much milk. Unlike the rest of the apartment, the floor was covered with a white, fluffy carpet that felt soft between your toes. Those same floor-to-ceiling windows from the living room made up the far wall again. Sephiroth walked over and drew curtains across it, hiding Midgar's skyline.
An old, well-loved leather armchair sat in one corner near the windows, along with a matching leather ottoman. The leather had already cracked around the chair's arms. A smaller wooden bookcase, stuffed with books, climbed the wall beside it. Sephiroth had piled yet another stack of books on a small wooden end-table, well within reach of the chair. An enormous, if shallow, closet took up the wall to your right; shuttered wooden doors had been pulled across it, hiding its contents from your view. You could see yourself, hunched over and meek, in a long mirror hung beside them.
Sephirothâs bed dominated most of the room. It was a size you didnât think possible to manufacture; you couldâve laid in the center, stretched all of your limbs out, and still not have touched the edges. It was neatly made, with a plain, cream-colored comforter tucked neatly into the mattress. Four fluffy pillows lined the dark wooden headboard. You looked down at the floor; there were a few books Sephiroth had hastily kicked under the bed when you walked in. Their covers peeked out from the white bedskirt. Does he not want me to see those?
You sat on the edge of the bed, facing the door. The mattress was sinfully soft. There were matching wooden bedside tables, each kitted with a single drawer, on either side of the bed. The one on your side was bare; you looked over your shoulder. Sephiroth rummaged in the opposite bedside tableâs drawer. On top of it stood a few other books and an empty water glass; clearly, that was his side of the bed.Â
Here you were.
What were you going to say to him? What if you had another episode? You pressed your palms against the comforter. What if you were bad?
Your voice shook when you spoke up. âI just, um.â
Sephiroth looked up from his rummaging.
âI just want to warn you,â you said. You gathered the comforter in your fists. âIâmâIâmâIâm kind of a hard s-s-sell.â
âA hard sell?âÂ
âI donât really, um, come with partners.â The words came out all in a rush. Deep down, you knew why: you were too keyed up, too uncomfortable, too afraid to let go and show yourself to the many people who had ended up in your bed. That vulnerability would be yet another weapon used against you later. You remembered the anger and frustration in one boyfriendâs voice: You need to relax, said like an insult as he rolled off of you. Youâre impossible. You smoothed out your skirt and turned away. âLike, ever. It, um, it makes people m-mad? So please donât be upset if, um, if-if-if I donât, like, finish.â
âWell.â He set a few items on the bedside table: a box of condoms, lubricant, a hair tie. The mattress dipped as he crawled over to you. âCan I try to get you there?â
You sat as still as possible. If you moved, you were afraid the entire room would come crashing down, falling forty-three stories to the streets, to your unheated apartment in Sector Eight, to your empty twin bed and your alarm clock startling you awake.
You whispered, "Itâs really not a big deal."
âIt is,â he replied, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. âI want you to feel good. Let me try.â
The warm little flame in your belly, the one you had pushed down in the cell culture room so long ago, flared up again. You ducked your head in embarrassment when he sat cross-legged on the bed in front of you.Â
Sephiroth leaned down to catch your eye. âShy again?â
âA little.â
âYou can tell me to stop anytime you like.â His hand landed on your thigh. The heat of his palm was like a brand, even through your black tights. It was the best pain youâd ever felt.
âYou can tell me to stop, too.â You fiddled with the hem of your blouse and looked up at him. âI want you to be comfortable.â
He was so close you could feel his words on your lips. âShall we go slow, then?âÂ
âMm-hmm.âÂ
You craned your neck upwards to kiss him again, syrupy-sweet and gentle. He broke away from you long enough to tug on your wrists, and you climbed gratefully back into his lap as if you had always belonged there. He was already hard, just from kissing you; you couldnât suppress the small noise of disbelief you made.Â
When you pulled away, Sephiroth looked you up and down like he was trying to decide what to do first. âIâm going to kiss your neck now,â he said finally. âWould you like that?â
You nodded.
He leaned down and pressed a wet, warm kiss to your pulse. His mouth was clumsy, unpracticed against your skin. You relaxed as he meandered kisses down your neck, across your collarbone. He felt impossibly warm, his hair soft between your fingers.
âGood?â he whispered against the divot of your collarbone.
âMm-hm.â
âWhat else?â
 Your breath caught in your throat. The hesitation must have shown to him, because he prompted you again, gentler this time: âWhat else?â
âI wantâIââ
Your breath hitched again, unable to voice what you actually wanted. This felt indulgent, somehow, like you were staring down the opportunity to eat an entire cake by yourself. Sephiroth nosed inquisitively at the juncture of your neck and shoulder.
You finally said, âI w-w-want you toâŚto k-kiss me again?â
âI can do that.â He resumed his clumsy kissing across your neck, up the column of your throat until he reached your face again. You caught his soft lips again, and when he kissed you back, it was hungry. Needy.
His tongue was hesitant against your bottom lip. You opened your mouth in response, and he gasped as if you had told him a secret. The sound went straight to your groin. You felt like you were floating, but in a good way: this time, your body was coming with you, tethered only to the bed by his warm hands over your shirt, the gentle rub of his cock against your tights.
You couldnât stand the tender way he looked at you when he pulled away; you squeezed your eyes shut from shame.Â
âMay I touch you again?â he whispered.
âYes,â you whispered back. âPlease.â
His fingers met the small of your back, where they ducked under the hem of your shirt. He traced a path up and down your lower spine again, not daring to go higher than what youâd permit.
You would permit him anything.
You wanted to sink your greedy hands into the cake and shove fistfuls into your mouth.
You wanted to gorge yourself on him, on the feeling of being wanted and cared for.
He said, "Iâm here. You donât need to ask for what you want.â
You nodded frantically. His touch made you shiver. âOkay.â
âAre you afraid?â
You answered without thinking: âYes.â
Sephirothâs hand stilled. âOf me? Of this?â
âThis,â you squeaked, and despite yourself, you felt yourself tearing up. You could barely remember the last time someone was this gentle, this permissive. You opened your eyes.Â
He drew back and eyed you with concern. âItâs too much,â he said, âisnât it?â
âItâsâŚâ You took a shaky breath, trying to focus on his face. âI d-donât remember the last time someone wasâŚthis nice.â
He reached out a thumb and wiped your cheek. You were crying, and you hadnât even realized when youâd started. âYou donât need to ask for anything,â he repeated. âAre you enjoying it? Is this bad?â
You laughed and swiped a hand across your cheeks. âIâm really enjoying this.â Why did you feel like you were admitting something terrible? You looked down, found the juncture of where you had pressed yourself against him. You blushed and looked away. His walls were so plain: no artwork, no photos. There was nothing to distract you from how hot you felt just from being kissed. The last time you felt this way wasâŚ
Never.
âItâs not going away,â he murmured, bringing you back to him. His hand found the back of your neck, massaging the tension he found there. âI wonât take this from you.â
You felt so tender it hurt. âYou wonât, um.â You looked up at him. âThinkâŚ?â
He tilted his head when you trailed off. âThink what?â
âI always thought I wasâŚugly, somehow? When I was, um. Enjoying m-m-myself?â
âWho told you that?âÂ
Who didnât? You held on to him so tightly that your nails dug into his back; if he noticed, he didnât seem to mind. You willed yourself to relax, not wanting to hurt him. When you replied, your voice was soft, halting. âJustâŚpastâŚpartners?â
He said your name gently. âThey were wrong,â he said.
You looked up at the ceiling, at the bare walls, at the books on his nightstand. âYou donât know that.â
Sephiroth leaned to one side, catching your eye. He half-laughed as he said, âDo I get to find out for myself?â
You couldnât help but laugh, even as a few more tears escaped your eyes. You made to wipe your cheeks, but he beat you to it, wiping your tears away. You whispered, âDamn it.â
âIf it helps,â and here Sephirothâs voice became soft, hesitant, like your own, âIâm afraid, too. I donât know what Iâm doing.â
It did help. You brushed his hair out of his eyes, only for it to fall back into place. Now you know why he wore his hair long: he was remarkably expressive around you, the hesitation written plainly on his face. He was twice your size and wielded a sword you couldnât even carry, and yet he seemed so small, innocent in his own way, a young lover trying his damndest to care for you. Suddenly, all of this didnât seem frightening anymore.
âNo one does,â you said.
âWill I hurt you?â
âI donât think so.âÂ
He squeezed his eyes shut, tilted his head just so as he winced. âThat doesnât reassure me.âÂ
âDo I get to find out for myself?â
He scowled and caught your answering laugh on his lips. Your cheeks were still wet, but that little flame of desire welled back up in you as you kissed. His hands were firm on the small of your back, keeping the two of you pressed against one another. Your face hurt from smiling.
Sephiroth pulled away and pinched the side of your waist, just firm enough to make you yelp in surprise. He grinned. âBrat,â he growled under his breath, and the term of endearment made you feel dizzy.
âFirst-Class,â you replied.
Hir as he guided you back against the pillows. You stretched against the soft mattress. He rolled over to sit up on his edge of the bed and reached towards the nightstand. âLetâs leave work out of this,â he said over his shoulder as he picked up the hair tie, which he promptly stuck between his teeth. As he shook out his wrist and began tying his hair up.
You watched with fascination as his muscles pulled and stretched under his shirt. Soon, you thought, soon you would get to touch them. âSome people like that,â you said.
âAnd you?â He pulled the elastic onto his wrist and began tying his hair up.
âI think I like âbrat,ââ you said quietly, still staring at his back. Even from this short distance, you could still feel how warm he was. Or was it just you?
âHa. Come on.â Sephiroth shook out his ponytail and leaned over you from the edge of the bed. Even now, he didnât overwhelm you, choosing to stay on your left. From where he was, you could easily roll away from him and reach the bedroom door if you wanted to leave. The courtesy wasnât lost on you.Â
He drew a slow finger down the bridge of your nose; you went cross-eyed trying to follow it. With his bangs pulled away from his face, you could count his freckles. âYouâre not a brat.â
You could see his face now that he had pulled his bangs out of his eyes. You reached up and cupped his face, swiping your thumbs against his cheeks. To your wonder, he closed his eyes and leaned hard against your palms. You wanted to count every single one of his freckles, his lashes; you knew he would sit patiently as you categorized every cell, right down to the beauty mark near his upper lip.Â
Your voice was hushed when you finally spoke. âYouâre very pretty.â
He opened his eyes, scrunched his nose as he smiled. âSo are you.â
You tilted your head towards him rubbed your nose against his. He let out a trembling sigh and lowered his body onto yours, grinding slowly against your right leg. Of course, you thought; here you were, being romantic, and you were keeping him waiting.
But when you sat up and reached for your blouse, Sephiroth gave you a startled look. âSomething wrong?â he asked. He backed away on the bed to give you space.
You raised your eyebrows. He had wanted to stay like that?  âNo,â you said, letting your hands fall into your lap. âNo, IâŚâ You wiped your sweating palms against your thighs. âI thought you were getting bored?â
âI could never be bored of you,â he replied, reaching inquisitive hands towards you. âYou have a strange definition of âbored.ââ
You laughed under your breath and put your hands around his wrists. He was thwarting you at every turn: you knew the rules of this game, you had played it dozens of times, and here was Sephiroth, telling you to throw away the rulebook and enjoy yourself. You pushed your thumbs under his sleeves, felt the soft skin there; he turned his hands palm-up, watching you touch him. The man in your bed now spoke like the partners in your most shameful, secret dreams: understanding, patient, submissive. The green and blue veins you had tried so hard not to look at in the clinicâ miniature strands of the Lifestream, full of blood you had analyzed a hundred times overâ were now yours to admire. His flesh was yours to touch, kiss, dote on.
âCan I,â you started, then hesitated. âCan I see you with this off?â
He reached for the hem of his shirt. âYou may,â he said, and he pulled it up over his head.
This wasnât the first time you had seen his chest exposed to you, but it was the first time you had seen him without a stitch of clothing on his torso at all. Sephiroth somehow looked broader, bigger, without the shirt. He was just as solid and well-built as you expected. As you stared at him, his chest rose and fell with those deep, uneven breaths. He was still so nervous.
You exhaled and looked up at his face. âI am going to rip you apart.â
He chuckled and looked away.  âIs that so?â
âI meanââ You gestured helplessly at his torso. âNot, like, literally. Come here.â
In your dreams, you had imagined he would fall to his hands and knees, crawl over you on the bed with a devilish grin. What Sephiroth actually did was scoot awkwardly forward on his ass until he was within touching distance.Â
You pressed your palms flat against his torso and gasped at the warm, solid muscle you found there. Sephiroth shivered as your hands drifted across his pectorals. This close, you could see and feel dozens of different types of scars: cuts, bullet wounds, all manner of minutiae telling the tale of his years in battle. There was white hair,  soft as down, everywhere: on his belly, the divot of his chest, his forearms. You trailed your hands down his chest and paused to touch the pink, gnarled flesh of a past burn. You could almost see that medical report in your head, pointing out the same burn on that blank body outline. Sephirothâs hands settled in your hair, stroking it, curling a stray lock around his finger; the casual intimacy of it comforted you.
When you leaned forward and pressed a slow kiss to the old burn, he let out a sharp exhale through his nose. When you looked up, his eyes were closed, his brows furrowed as if he needed to focus on not moving. You knew that look: the face of someone trying to preserve a good thing in amber. This was a memory he wanted to keep close.
You whispered against his skin. âYou like that?â
âMm.â His entire body was tensed under you, like he was trying not to frighten you away.Â
You trailed open-mouthed kisses against his skin, relishing the way he shivered and panted under you. There was so much you wanted to look at, linger on: a scar from an earlier surgery, an old bullet wound that was almost gray with age, the way silver hair gathered below his navel, leading down past his belt, past where you could see. When you kissed his way up his sternum, he began stroking your hair again. There was not a single person on the planet who didnât like to be worshipped, you thoughtâ not even this young god, brought low and submissive with only your mouth.
You pulled his left nipple into your mouth and sucked gently. Sephiroth murmured, âYes,â above you, sighed it like a prayer, tightening his fingers in your hair as you grazed your teeth against the sensitive flesh there. Time seemed to slow down; the room was silent like a cocoon as you kissed your way to his right nipple, drunk on the way he moaned when you rubbed his neglected nipple with a thumb.Â
You chanced a glance upward. He was watching you, a look of awe on his face, like he couldnât believe you were there. His heartbeat thundered somewhere under your mouth.
He pushed your hair back so he could see your eyes. âSo pretty,â he said quietly. âCan I call you mine?â
You nuzzled his chest. When you thought about it, werenât you always hisâ from the second he laid eyes on you?Â
And based on the way he was looking at you now, he had always been yours.Â
âYes,â you said against his skin.
His eyes fluttered shut, and he tilted his head back. âMine,â he sighed.Â
You kissed the space just above where his heart was: where he wore your charm, your favor, against his skin. You pressed your forehead against his chest and trailed tentative fingers down his belly, down to his jeans.Â
When your hand brushed his cock through the fabric, he gasped and jerked his hips. He was big, you thought. Was he right: Would he hurt you? But no, you thought, as you rubbed him through his pants, listening to the way he groaned and mumbled your name, he wouldnât dare, would sooner leave himself unsatisfied than hurt you for his own pleasure. Even through his clothes, he was white-hot in your hand.
You started when he tugged on your blouse sleeve. Sephirothâs voice was rough with want. âMay I take this off?â
âOh.â You were still clothed. You reached your arms over your head, letting him remove your blouse for you. He let it fall on the bed.
When the tattoo came into view, he let out a low whistle.
You reached behind yourself and unfastened your bra. âHere, itâs betterâ itâs better when you can see the whole thing.â
Sephirothâs hands were on your chest the second the bra was off: tracing every bumpy line in fascination, eyes roving over your exposed chest. You tossed your bra on the floor. âHow long did this take?â he breathed.
âLike, hours?â You puffed out your chest in pride. âI canât even remember anymore.â
âItâsâŚâ He trailed off as he found the roses growing in the center of your belly. His finger traced a path to where the Lifestream sprouted like weeds among them. âThe Ancients believed in this.â
You smiled when he glanced up at you for confirmation. âItâs, um. Itâs why I got it.â
âTell me what it means.â
âItâŚâ And before you could finish the sentence, he had resumed kissing your skin. âItâs the Lifestream,â you said, and he trailed kisses across your belly, along the waistband of your skirt. âItâs the lifeblood of the planet,â and he kissed up your belly, up over your sternum. âAnd I wanted to makeâŚ.m-make my body a, a happier place? One that I rec-rec-recognized?â
He looked up from your chest.
You wrung your hands. âI didnât mean to bring the mood down.â
âYou didnât,â he said gently. âItâs a beautiful tattoo.â He was gripping your hips, brushing his thumb over your skin. You wanted to burrow in him and let the world turn around you.
You brushed a spare lock of hair out of his face. âWill you keep kissing me again?â
âMm.â Sephiroth nosed the side of your breast. âNow that you askâŚâ
When he took your nipple into his mouth, you gasped and arched off of the bed. His lips were just as gentle as the rest of him, kissing your breast over and over again.Â
âHarder,â you gasped, and he complied immediately, sucking on your hardening nipple like his life depended on it. His tongue deftly flicked it, once, and you gasped again. He opened his eyes and tilted his head so he could watch you with that gentle interest. You looked over his back, towards the wall over the closet. There were patches of paint there, like he had taken something down and hastily spackled the wall in its place. What was there before?
He released your nipple with a pop and nuzzled your sternum. His eyes fluttered shut. âStill good?â he murmured.
âVery good,â you replied. Too good, is what you wanted to say. It felt almost awkward, being cared for and attended to.Â
âThen Iâll continue.â He covered your breast, now wet from his attentions, with one hand, idly rolling your oversensitive nipple between his fingers. Sephirothâs hands were just as big and broad as the rest of him, you thought, covering and kneading your entire breast like it was nothing. As he kissed his way to your other breast, he looked up at you again.Â
Your voice was hoarse as he took your other nipple into his mouth, still watching you. âHi.â
He crinkled his nose, still sucking on your nipple. âMmf.â
You snorted and covered your mouth with your hand.
He let out a hard exhale, breath ghosting over your skin, and released you. âIâm sorry. I shouldnât talk with my mouth full.â
âI forgive you,â you said around your palm.
âYou know,â and he began to unzip your skirt, and you lifted your hips to let him, âyou have a charming laugh.â
âCome on. I sound like a pig in heat.â
âYou do not.â He pinched your waist; you let out a squeak and smacked his hand away, causing him to laugh in turn. âStop that. You sound like you.â
You were about to reprimand him when he hesitated, eyes focused on your underwear through your tights. He gathered your blouse and skirt in two hands and tossed them over the side of the bed.
âWow.â He hooked a finger under the waistband of your tights. âI wish I could have you through these.â
A thrill ran through you at the idea of him bending you, still fully-clothed, over one of the counters in his kitchen. âMaybe next time?â you murmured hopefully.
He nodded once, the same definite nod he had given you in front of the elevator. âNext time. Maybe tomorrow, if youâd like.â
âTomorrow? LikeâŚ?â You lifted your hips so Sephiroth could roll your tights and underwear down your legs. âThis weekend, tomorrow?â
âYouâre funny.â He briefly glanced up at you with a smile before returning his attention to removing one leg, then the other, from your underthings. âYou brought a bag, didn't you? I was hoping youâd stay through the weekend.â
You watched, dazed, as he began to undo his belt. âYeah. Yeah, Iâd love to.â
There was an odd sort of calm that washed over you when you were both naked. Sephiroth was still nearly twice your size, broad and muscular; you were a soft little thing compared to him. Even so, when he laid you down on the bed and put his lips to your breast again, he seemed so delicate. You sighed as he sucked on your nipple; he hummed in response. His free hand trailed down, down, down, until it settled between your legs. You lifted your hips to try and encourage him to touch you.
âSo wet,â he murmured.
âSorry.â
He raised an eyebrow and looked up at you. âWhy are you sorry?â
âI donât know.â You sighed when he slid one finger easily into you. âI justâŚâ
âShhh.â He kissed the delicate skin between your breasts. âI like it.â He pumped the finger into you, withdrew it slowly. You shivered.
âHere, let meâŚâ
He raised himself up on one elbow to watch you, and you guided two of his fingers to your clit. You asked, voice soft, âCan you press hard and rub in a circle?â
You didnât have to ask twice. Sephiroth curled over you as he touched you, like he was trying to protect you from all of Midgar. You squeezed your eyes shut; he kissed the bridge of your nose. When he lifted his hand away, you let out a frustrated sigh and dug your nails into his thigh. He laughed, that same gentle laugh he had given you at the holiday partyâ and really, you were beginning to take tally of all the little things he did, because he was not going anywhere, and you couldnât believe your luckâ and he pressed your clit twice as hard. You jerked your hips upwards with a sigh.
âFeel good?â he whispered.
You nodded frantically, your eyes still shut.
He let out a low hum. âGood.â You felt him draw his tongue over the sweat gathering between your breasts, slow and filthy. You tried your best to make a sound, wanted him to know how much you were enjoying this, but all that came out was a sharp exhale through your nose. He resumed kissing all over the tattoo: every strand of the Lifestream, blessed with his soft mouth and tongue, trailing down, down, down, past the flowers sprouting over your belly. You shivered as he nuzzled the damp hair between your legs, kissing your lower belly like he wanted to leave tribute to you there.
You remembered how stressed you were the night before, plucking and shaving and trimming every inch of your body. You had been trying to get away from any awkward moments, the sideways comments of "I like it better when you..." How you wished you could go back in time and shake yourself: he wonât care, you wanted to scream at that frightened girl from before, he likes you, he wonât care.
You sat up. He had settled between your legs, eyes roving over your cunt as if he expected to find the secrets of the universe there.
The intensity of his staring made you feel warm, even uncomfortable. You shifted on the bed. âEverything okay?â you asked.
He started and looked up, as if you had snapped him out of a daze. Sephiroth blinked, and before you could say anything, he laughed. âYeah.â He shook his head. âSorry. Iâm overwhelmed.â
âYou donât have to do anything.âÂ
He turned back to your exposed cunt and continued his study. You had done the same thing the first time you had had sex with another woman: just stared at how she had laid herself open in front of you, feeling frightened and aroused in turns. He reminded you of you: wide-eyed, unsure, wanting.Â
You reached down and patted his hand. âIâm serious.â
âCan Iâactually.â He looked up at you, and his cheeks flushed scarlet. âCan I taste you?â
Your breath hitched. There was vulnerability there, as if he expected you to push him away for his inexperience. And when was the last time a partner had eaten you out?
âYeah,â you said. âPlease?â
He ducked his head, and you felt his tongue probe you gently: just the very rim, barely penetrating you, as if he was truly tasting your cunt. You shivered. He made a soft, satisfied sound under his breath, and his tongue delved deeper inside of you: impossibly close, lapping at the wetness he found there.
You let out a soft huff of pleasure as his nose bumped against your clit. âCan youâŚ.?â you started, and his eyes opened and swiveled up to yours. You gestured with your thumb, jabbing it towards the ceiling. âHigher up?â
âAnything you want,â he said against you, and you shivered.Â
When he pulled back to examine you again, you pointed to your clit. âHere,â you said, and your voice was rougher than you expected.
âOkay,â he said, and then his lips and tongue were there. A warm wave of pleasure rolled through you. You sighed; without thinking, your hands went to his head, pushing him closer, silently urging him to be rough with you. Sephiroth complied, pressing his tongue flat against your clit, where he rubbed it in slow circles.
âGood,â you gasped, and he opened his eyes to watch you. His pupils were fat with desire as he fucked you with his tongue, and when you looked down the length of his body, you saw his cock was leaking onto the sheets. You looked to your left, towards the curtains, trying to escape how close he was to you, how wonderful and hot and wet his mouth felt on your clit. You tugged on his ponytail, and his answering growl was so deep and feral that you bucked your hips in response, feeling at once afraid of him and like you needed him to open you. His nails dug into your hips briefly: a warning, maybe, or no, when you looked back towards him his gaze on you was lazy, even amused. Heâs happy.Â
Sephirothâs teeth brushed your clitâ too close, heâs going to bite you, heâs going to hurt you.
You yelped and scrabbled backwards on the bed, causing him to lift his head and stare at you in alarm.Â
Your voice was high and afraid: âNo teeth! No teeth.â
âNo teeth,â he repeated. âIâm sorry.â
An innocent mistake, then. You began to relax. âNo, itâs okay.â You waved a hand, and he sighed with obvious relief. The care he took in pleasuring you wasnât something you were used to. âYou didnât know.â
He pressed a kiss to your belly in silent apology. âIâll be careful.â
You sighed as he returned his mouth to your clit. It was difficult to believe he hadnât done this before: his tongue was just as deft as it had been on your nipples, his breath coming in short bursts. You dared to look down again, and you tried your damndest to take a snapshot for your memory: Sephirothâs nose pressed to your pubic hair, the serious furrow of his brow, the way his eyes were closed like he was trying to focus. While you watched, he rocked his hips once, twice, against the comforter: he was getting off of this, on how you tasted and felt on his tongue. When he pressed his middle finger to your entrance again, you sighed, âPlease,â and then he was sliding it in you again.
You spoke up. âYou can do a second.â
âMm?â He looked up at you.
You held two fingers, palm up, at his eye level. âCurl them,â you said, and made a beckoning motion. âLike this.â
He pressed a second finger to your entrance and slowly slid it in next to his middle finger. When he beckoned, once, twice, nothing happened.
You said, âPull them out a little first.â
He did. Nothing.
âFurther.â
Nothing. He gave you a desperate look.
âFurther.â
He lifted his head so he could watch, and when he beckoned again, you yelped and arched off the bed, a shot of pleasure running like lightning from your cunt to your brain.
The two of you cut each other off: âThereâ?â and âYesââ and âOkay, goodââ
He returned his mouth to your clit with renewed fervor, his fingers working inside of you. It didnât take him long to discover that you liked when he thrust upwards, grinding his fingers against your rim. You covered your mouth to muffle your pants; you tried to moan for him again, and it came out as a soft wheeze. Noise, perhaps, was still out of reach: it had been beaten out of you from unsatisfying sex and living in an apartment with thin walls.Â
Thereâs time to learn, you thought, dizzy from pleasure. Thereâs so much time.
You looked down, and Sephirothâs eyes were bright between your legs as he watched you. His fingers filled you so perfectly: as if he was made for you, as if he had waited his entire life just to please you like this.
You trembled, and suddenly, your orgasm hit you before you could anticipate it or warn him. You closed your eyes and thrust your hips against his mouth, shivering head to toe, panting with the intensity of it. You felt yourself clench around his fingers, taking him deeper still.Â
When you came down, he was still going at you with the same intensity. You squirmed and pushed his head away. âOw. Ow. Seph, stop. I finished.â
His fingers stilled. He lifted his head just high enough to speak to you. âYou came? From that?â
âYeah,â you breathed.
And then you started to laugh, trembling with relief and oxytocin and the pure joy of finally, finally orgasming in someoneâs bed. âI did.â You covered your face, smiling so hard your cheeks hurt and your eyes watered. âI did!âÂ
âThere you go.â There was a satisfied tone in Sephirothâs voice as he gently removed his fingers. âThat wasnât hard at all.â
When he climbed back up the bed to hold you, you giggled against his shoulder, hiccuping with joy. The orgasm had been so easy, so natural. âI did it,â you said over and over, the excitement overwhelming your senses. âI did it. I did it. Thank you.â
Sephirothâs laugh was right near your ear when you threw your arms around him. âYouâre sweet. I told you Iâd get you there.â
âHow are you so confident all the time?â you gasped.
âIâm not,â he said over your shoulder. âBut Iâm not satisfied until you are.âÂ
You pressed your mouth to his shoulder and fell silent.
After a while, he gave you a final squeeze and leaned back to take his hair out of its ponytail.Â
A sigh left your mouth. âI, um.â
He tilted his head in a silent question.
You continued, âI w-want you inside me. Like, now.â
âAre you sure?â
You had never been surer of anything in your life. âMm-hmm.â
He shook out his hair and placed a reassuring palm against your sternum, right over where the Lifestream split in two to curl over your breasts. He leaned over to his nightstand.Â
âHow do you want me?â he asked.
The question made you feel fuzzy, cared-for. You brought your knees to your chest and hugged them. âI thinkâŚyou lying on your back. Do you need help with that?â you added as he settled on the edge of the bed with a condom.
He frowned and shook his head as he set the bottle of lube on the comforter. âNo.â When he looked over his shoulder at you, he had a mischievous glint in his eyes. âI practiced before you got here.â
You giggled despite yourself.
âWhat?â he laughed. He ripped open the condom wrapper.
âNothing.â You leaned over and traced mindless shapes on his back as he rolled the condom onto himself. âYouâre justâŚcute.â
âCute,â he scoffed, but he was still smiling. âThe most feared man in the three continents is cute.â
âYou literally cooked for me. Like youâre my little wife.â
âHush, you.â The condom now on, Sephiroth turned to you and nudged you aside. âLet me lie down.â
You put some lube on two fingers as he settled back on the bed. It still shocked you how relaxed you were, how ready you felt for him; two fingers slid inside of you easily. He placed a warm hand on your hip as you straddled him.
You whispered, "I'll go slow, okay? Just hold still."
His lips parted when you sank down on top of him. You couldnât stop staring at his face: awestruck as you slowly took all of him. You waited for the sting of pain, the moment where youâd have to grit your teeth and force yourself down, but when your hips connected with his, you realized that moment would never come. This wonât hurt either of us, he had said on the couch.
Your voice was hoarse. âOkay, you can move.â
âYou sure?â
âMm-hmm.â
âStill think Iâm cute?â
You laughed and covered your mouth. âYouâre still stuck on that?â
Sephiroth squinted when he smiled up at you. âI am not cute.â
âOkay, fine. Youâre not cute.âÂ
He rolled his hips. You let out a small gasp.
"Like that?" he whispered.
You nodded silently, not trusting your voice. He felt impossibly big inside of you. When he thrust into you again, you cried out involuntarily from the jolt of pleasure that went through you: a tiny moan, a sound you didnât think yourself capable of making.
You immediately covered your mouth and looked away.
He put a reassuring hand on the small of your back and thrust again. You grit your teeth behind your palm to keep from crying out again.
Sephiroth spoke up. âItâs okay.â Another thrust, and when he spoke again, there was a breathlessness to his words you hadnât noticed before. âYou look beautiful.â
âSo do you,â you sighed, and it was true. His hair fanned out against the pillow in a brilliant silver halo; his chest rose and fell with each deep breath he took. That flush had returned to his cheeks again, climbing down his neck to paint his chest a brilliant pink. He grabbed your hips and set a steady, punishing rhythm.
His touch felt like heaven; like the sunshine, like heat, like lazy honeybees circling the flowers. This was a familiar place, warm and inviting: a home. You felt sated while you rode him, as if the city outside of his room had vanished, and there was no longer any place you two had to be. His hands were tender at your hips, keeping you rooted as you chased your pleasure. You waved your hands towards him, blindly grasping for something, anything, and you felt his hands in yours before you could speak up. He tugged you towards him, just so, and the pleasure from the new angle was so intense that you turned away, hiding your face against your shoulder.
âYouââ he choked out, voice ragged around the edges, and he rolled his hips so violently that you gasped. âBeautiful.â
You squeezed his hand in reply. He raised his hand to caress your breast, rolling your nipple between two fingers. Your breath came as steady, halting pants: something between a moan and a sigh.
âPlease,â you murmured, and when he sped up, you dipped a hand between your legs to touch yourself. You were on fire.
âThatâs it,â he groaned, and you shivered at the vulnerable tone in his voice. âTake me.â
âMine,â you whispered back.
âYours,â he sighed.
You seemed to stay there forever, hovering on the edge of some invisible cliff. You were the one receiving him, and yet, it felt like you were taking him in, holding him close, and he was giving himself over to you. There had never been a time you felt like you had control in bed; now, you realized, you held him close in the palm of your hands, and when you opened your eyes, he was staring at where he was joined with you, eyes flicking between your pussy and your gently-bouncing breasts, tracing the lines of the tattoo in haunted fascination.Â
Sephiroth had never wanted to hurt you, you realized. He had only wanted to please you.Â
And he was succeeding.
The thought made fresh tears well up in your eyes. The flowers, the gentle touching, the way he was fucking you now, was not out of a desire to own you, to dominate you; it was out of affection. You had thought for years that loving sex was for other people, other people who werenât traumatized and who didnât cry themselves to sleep at night because they had been raped. This wasnât an exchange; it was talking without words, as playful and gentle as the way you two had spoken to each other earlier. You had been so worried about paying some invisible debt, but all along, you owed him nothing.Â
Had he lain awake in this same bed, miles from your apartment, dreaming of you?
He met your eyes with alarm. âIâm close,â he panted. âW-what do IâŚâ
âCome for me,â you whispered. âItâs okay.â
âI canâ please,â he begged, his thrusts becoming harder, more irregular. âPlease. Say that again.â
You placed your free hand on his bare chest. âCome for me.â
âIâm câI canâtââ
âSeph,â you whispered. âPlease, I want to see you.â
âI canât, Iââ He sighed your name, and a beatific expression crossed his face. His mouth opened in a silent gasp as he spilled into the condom, his eyes on yours: searching for permission, for forgiveness.
You cupped his cheek as he rode through the aftershocks. You couldnât imagine he would need you for anything, certainly not for intimacy, for cradling his heart close as he came. It was a heady, sensitive feeling.
Sephiroth stilled under you, panting. He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side, visibly exhausted.
You leaned over him, staring down at his face in wonder. His cock twitched inside of you as you stroked his face with your thumbs.
He reached up and wrapped a gentle hand around your wrist.
You spoke up first. âThat was beautiful.â
He huffed out a laugh. âThank you.â When he turned back to you and opened his eyes, they seemed brighter than before. âYouâre incredible.â
âCan weâŚ?â You felt almost embarrassed to ask. âLike, stay here? Like this?â
The smile on his face was lazy, shy. You felt your cheeks warm. âSure,â he murmured.Â
The two of you sat in silence, watching each other. He felt so perfect. His hands fell to the insides of your thighs, stroking them gently. You set to categorizing the scars on his chest again.
âWhatâs this one?â you asked as you pointed to an angry slash near his collarbone.
He looked down, trying his best to follow your finger. âA sword got me,â he replied. âTraining exercise.â
âYou use real swords during those?â
âA better question.â He reached up and rubbed your bottom lip with his thumb. You kissed it, and he chuckled. âDo you want to keep going, or would you like to call it a night?â
To your relief, you felt sated. You couldnât remember a time when you hadnât been awake on the other side of the bed, staring at the ceiling and burning away with unsatisfied lust while your partner snored happily beside you. âIâŚyouâre not done?â
He gave you a gentle smile. You could feel his pulse inside of you, like you were holding his heartbeat in your chest. âIâm done when youâre done.â
You smiled. âWell, Iâm done.â
He inclined his head towards you. âThen letâs call it a night.â
The two of you set to untangling yourselves; you hissed at the bright shock of pain as he slid out of you. You put your hand on his chest and lied down on the bed.Â
When he removed the condom, he looked at you inquisitively. That was right: sex ed tended to focus on putting on the condom, not disposing of it. You had almost forgotten that it was his first time. Fresh affection welled in you again.Â
You made a looping gesture with your finger. âYou tie it off.â
âThank you.â As he tied a knot, he spoke to you over his shoulder. âTo answer your question, yes, the 2nd-Classes are allowed to use real blades.â
âDoesnât that get dicey real fast?â
âYes, especially if your opponent has never lifted a sword.â He tossed the condom into a wastebasket by the door. âAre you thirsty?â He stood up and stretched, cracking his back as he did so. He seemed unashamed of his nakedness; a side-effect, maybe, of his strange upbringing. âWater, coffee, more wineâŚ?â
âWater. Please?â
He looked over his shoulder and tapped the bedroom doorframe. âIâll be right back.â
âWait,â you said, sitting up. âWhereâs your bathroom?â
From the kitchen beyond, he pointed wordlessly off to the left.Â
You sat up on the edge of the bed and stretched. A sink sputtered to life in the kitchen. Everything felt softer around the edges, luxurious, as if the two of you were truly in your own world. There was a light soreness between your legs as you walked into the hallway outside of the room. In front of you was that opening into the kitchen; to your left, as promised, was a white door.
The bathroom beyond was the same gleaming white as the kitchen. To your right was a long marble counter, cluttered with various items: a red toothbrush, a crumpled tube of toothpaste (sans cap), hair gel, aftershave. To your left stretched an old-fashioned, claw-footed bathtub. Beyond was the toilet and, just beyond that, a glass-walled shower. You examined the showerhead as you sat down to pee: it seemed to be one of the fancy waterfall ones you had always coveted. Youâd have to take full advantage of it while you were here.
Maybe we could shower together, you thought, and the idea excited you. You felt almost giddy, the weekend stretching out endlessly ahead of you. Perhaps you could take a bath, too. Your tub at home was too small and cramped to take a real bath in; this one looked long enough for you to stretch all the way out. Sephiroth could easily hold you inside of it. You had the welcome image in your head of lying back against his chest during a bath, letting him finger you to orgasm.
Where had this confidence come from?Â
You finished and stood to wash your hands. It seemed like minutes ago, you were trembling in front of the elevator as he had asked you for a drink. Maybe it was the way he said mine when you kissed his chest, the way he seemed as happy as you when you came for him. Maybe it was that tender look in his eyes when he came for you in turnâ for you, you thought, just you, when he was so handsome and youâ youâ
You looked up in the mirror to categorize your faults, and you stopped.
You lookedâŚ
Fine.
Your makeup was only slightly smudged, and it wasn't nearly as heavy as you thought it had been. Your concealer had stayed in place: not oxidized, not cracking, not patchy, just as smooth as when you first applied it. Your lips were swollen from kissing, a delicate flush darkening your cheeks. Your hair was mussed.
You squinted at the mirror as if it was tricking you. You expected to look different; prettier, somehow, after you two had had sex, as if his come had blessed you with whatever ethereal grace he had been born with. At the very least, you expected to see the same repulsive creature you saw in the mirror at home.
But no: you were perfectly fine, perfectly ordinary after all. Beautiful, even. There was no one else looking back at you from the reflection, no Not-You, no mousy scientist, no ugly fuck-up with too many notches in her bedpost.
Just you.
You had always looked perfectly, completely fine.
You sucked in a breath and ran a thumb under your lashes. You removed a stray clump of mascara. âReady?â you said to yourself, and to your relief, the reflectionâs mouth moved, too:Â ready?
When you returned from the bathroom, there was a glass of ice water on the nightstand nearest youâ your nightstand, you realized. You actually had a side of the bed now. You finished the glass in a few gulps.
Sephiroth had already turned the bed over and was now sitting on the fitted sheet, just as naked as you. He was hunched over a book, cross-legged on his side of the bed. He was biting his thumbnail in concentration as he read. Ah, you thought. Thatâs where the hangnails come from.
You laid down sideways on the mattress and glanced at the pages. A massive diagram of a ribosome, churning its way along a length of mRNA, greeted you. Sephiroth had generously highlighted and annotated the text with notes in pencil. âSeph. Is that a textbook?â
He gave you a sheepish look. âI wanted to understand your work better.â
âWhen was this published?â You reached over and pressed a hand to the current page, keeping your place as you flipped to the front credits. To your shock, he leaned back to give you space to do it. ââ97? Not bad.â You turned back to where he left off and patted the ribosome gently. âI can get you a more recent copy if you want.â
âI do.â He grabbed a battered red bookmark (PROPERTY OF SHINRA COMPANY LIBRARY, it said) and slipped it between the pages. âBut I think,â he mused, as he closed the textbook and put it back on his nightstand, âthat you are a more interesting resource.â
His flirting still made you blush, even after you had had sex. You shook your head. âThey donât pay me enough to teach. But for you? Iâll make an exception.â
When he leaned back on the bed, you rolled onto your side and intertwined your legs with his legs. He turned to face you, and he rested his cheek against his palm, his elbow on his pillow. He smoothed out your hair; you felt his foot trail over your calf. âOh, Iâm honored,â he purred. âYour only pupil.â
You smiled and laid your head against your pillow. âMy best pupil.âÂ
âIâd prefer to be the top of the class.â
âIf itâs a class of one,â you said, âthen youâre automatically at the top.â
He scoffed with mock frustration. âThat's disappointing.â
âI told you, they donât pay me enough to teach more than one person.â
âThey should.â Sephiroth leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. You closed your eyes and sighed.
As you draped an arm over his side, he pulled the sheets and the comforter over the two of you. When he laid his head against his pillow, you two were nose-to-nose, like affectionate teenagers gossiping during a sleepover. His hand was warm and gentle against the small of your back, thumb brushing back and forth over your spine.
Mine, it seemed to say. Yours.
âWas it good?â you whispered.Â
âBetter than good,â he whispered back. âIt was perfect.â
âIt gets better, you know.â You yawned and closed your eyes. âThe more you sleep with someone, the more you get to know the person.â
âI just want to say,â Sephiroth started, and you opened your eyes in alarm, only to see him looking at you with that same lazy, affectionate smile, his eyes already half-lidded with sleep. âYou did very well. Was that good for you?â
You smiled again and ducked your head, feeling suddenly shy at his compliment. âYeah. I would say perfect, also? Yeah.â
âOkay. Good.â He shifted and sighed. âIâm glad. You deserve to feel safe.â
âI do feel safe,â you whispered. âIâmâŚâ You hesitated, trying to find the right words. âIâmâŚactually really, really happy with you.â
He smiled back.Â
You felt butterflies in your stomach. They fluttered about in the warm sunshine of his attention; the flowers and weeds of a garden were slowly, gently, making their home in you.
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10 Amazing Medicinal Herbs to Grow in the Garden
1. Calendula, Calendula officinalis: with cheerful golden orange flowers that are edible and medicinal, calendula is one of the most beloved herbs. The petals are edible and the entire flower is medicinal and great for the skin. External use can heal wounds, rashes, burns, and dry skin. Internally calendula flowers are used as an antifungal, an antibacterial, for stimulating the lymphatic system, for stimulating the menses, and as a digestive anti-inflammatory. Calendula also attracts pollinators and is easy to grow from seed. It does well as a container plant too!
2. Motherwort, Leonurus cardiaca: easy to grow and versatile, motherwort is a favorite for anxiety and stress. It's leaves, flowers, and stems can also be taken as a tea or tincture to lessen pain from headaches, menstrual pain, and muscle aches. It can help menstruators going through menopause, easing hot flashes and hormonal irritability. It can be used in childbirth to strengthen contractions. This herbaceous perennial will self-sow happily and can be quite weedy, plant it somewhere where it will have lots of space or where you can control its spreading easily.
3. Passionflower, Passiflora incarnata: these gorgeous flowers are native to the southeastern United States and an important nervine sedative. The stems, leaves, and flowers are used to promote sleep and alleviate pain like headaches and menstrual cramps. Passionflower is a perennial herb that loves to climb, it can be somewhat tough to sprout (stratifying and/or scarifying the seeds will help) but will spread happily through your garden and over fences and trellises once its growing. It's a short lived perennial that usually needs replanting every three years or so, so even if it's spreading quicker than you'd like it will die back after a few years.
4. Echinacea/Purple Coneflower, Echinacea purpurea: a popular garden ornamental that attracts butterflies and bees, echinacea is a gorgeous and easy to grow plant. It's quite hardy, withstanding drought and disease. The roots, seeds, and fresh flowers are all medicinal and stimulate the immune system. Echinacea has been used for centuries to treat the common cold, coughs, bronchitis, upper respiratory infections. It increases the number of white blood cells to help your body fight off all kinds of infections. It's a perennial and will return to your garden year after year, with flowers beginning to grow in its second year.
5. Tulsi/Holy Basil, Ocimum tenuiflorum syn. O. sanctum: a relative of common basil native to India, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia, holy basil or tulsi is aromatic and antimicrobial. The leaves and flowers can be made into a medicinal tea to help with colds, coughs, asthma, bronchitis, sinusitis, headaches, stress, and anxiety. It has an adaptogenic effect, giving uplifting energy and aiding mental focus. You can also use tulsi like regular basil in recipes, it's just more pungent. Tulsi is a perennial in zones 10 or warmer and an annual elsewhere, but it may even self seed in cooler climates too. Its easy to grow from seed after the danger of frost has passed. You can harvest it multiple times a year by cutting the mature plant to 8 inches tall and letting it re-grow.
6. Meadowsweet, Filipendula ulmaria: this European wetland herb has beautiful clusters of white flowers and a pleasant wintergreen flavor. It's flowers and basal leaves are used internally for inflammation, fevers, heartburn, and peptic ulcers. It makes a very tasty tea and is a wonderful tonic for arthritis and other inflammatory issues thanks to its anti-inflammatory salicylates. Meadowsweet is a hardy perennial in zones 2-8 and likes moisture. A wet meadow, streamside, or edge of a pond are perfect for meadowsweet, but it can happily grow in the regular garden with a little extra watering. It's easy to grow meadowsweet by root division, any little piece of root will grow a new plant.
7. Southern Ginseng/Jiaogulan, Gynostemma pentaphyllum: native to southeast Asia and used as a tonic for longevity and vitality, the leaves of southern ginseng can be brewed into a medicinal tea for anxiety, stress, depression, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. This vine is easy to grow and contains some of the same ginsenosides as American and Asian ginseng. It's an herbaceous perennial vine that grows about 4 inches tall and indefinitely wide. It spreads vigorously so you may want to grow it in a container to keep it from becoming troublesome.
8. Spilanthes, Acmella oleracea: with golden globe-shaped flowers and a red center, spilanthes is an interesting herb to look at and to taste. It's a powerful sialogogue (saliva promoter) and provides a tingly numbing sensation that can relieve toothaches. It's great for your teeth and gums since it's antimicrobial, stimulating, and acts as an oral anodyne. All the above-ground parts are medicinal and can be chewed fresh in moderation or turned into a tincture. Spilanthes is super easy to grow as an annual if you sow seeds after the danger of frost has passed. You can harvest spilanthes a few times during the growing season by cutting the plants back to 6 inches and letting them regrow. Only one or two plants is all you need to make over a quart of tincture.
9. Stinging Nettle, Urtica dioica: a highly revered, highly nutritious spring green. Stinging nettle can be eaten steamed, in soups, or in stir fries and the sting disappears when the leaves are cooked. The greens and tea of nettles are packed with vitamins and minerals, especially vitamins A, C, calcium, potassium, magnesium, and iron. The leaves and seeds are used medicinally for allergies, arthritis, and as a kidney tonic. It's considered a perennial, coming back from the roots year after year and will spread prolifically by runners. The fresh shoots will emerge in early spring and you can continually harvest these tender leaves with scissors and let it regrow. Gather your nettles before they flower and always wear thick clothing or gardening gloves to protect from their sting. Stinging nettle is also a dynamic accumulator and is a great addition to your compost or fertilizing mulch.
10. Wild Bergamot, Monarda fistulosa: a beautiful, medicinal, pollinator attracting relative of bee balm, wild bergamot is an important medicine. Used to treat infections and digestive issues like gas and bloating. Wild bergamot is antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, and diaphoretic (makes you sweat to help break a fever). The leaves and flowers are medicinal and edible and the pungent flavor makes a great medicinal tea or a tasty pesto for a snack. Wild bergamot is an herbaceous perennial with tiiiiiiny seeds that need to be planted on the soil's surface and misted. It can also be grown by dividing an already established plant since wild bergamot spreads vigorously by runners. Since it spreads you may want to plant it somewhere on its own or contain it. The stems, leaves, and blooms can all be gathered at the peak of flowering and used fresh or dried.
This list is just some ideas to get started. Consider your needs, your region, and your climate and find some herbs that match. Choosing plants native to your area is great because you'll attract local pollinators and it's safer for the ecosystem. If you live in the United States, the National Wildlife Federation has a Native Plant Finder Tool where you can search by zip code. Non-native plants can be wonderful to grow for our herbal needs, but should always be contained and managed. Happy growing!đą
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#herbalism#herbal#herbal medicines#plant medicine#medicinal plants#medicinal herbs#gardening#medicinal garden#calendula#motherwort#passionflower#echinacea#tulsi#meadowsweet#southern ginseng#spilanthes#stinging nettles#wild bergamot#herbs
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đđđđđđđđđđđđ (đĽ.đŁđ§)
pairing: tutor!jeno x student!reader
warnings: smut, size kink, bulging kink, fem oral receiving, punishment(?)
word count: 2.5K
requested: yes
Jeno poked his tongue in his cheek as he smacked your test papers down on your desk. âWhere did I go wrong?â he said, trying to keep his cool but you just sat there, staring at the paper marked with the big âFâ in front of you.
He angrily sighed and rubbed his temples âI asked you a question, y/n, donât tell me you canât even answer a question as simple as thatâ his frustration was growing by the second yet you just wonât budge because frankly, heâs done nothing wrong, he fulfilled his duties as your tutor and did his best to make sure you were prepared for your exams but youâre a teenage girl and Jeno is a well-built guy matched with an attractive face, you just couldnât help but be distracted.
The tension between you two increased âI already said I was sorry!â you blurt out in a high pitched voice and the ever so patient Jeno finally snaps âI spent so long-â he slams both his hands down your desk and you were now face to face with him âI spent so damn long teaching you this damn biology lesson over and over again, y/n!â he groaned and you refused to make eye contact with him, sitting back in your chair. You dared to look up at him for a quick second and you felt his eyes burning holes right through you so you went back to fumbling with your hands.
âJust give me a good reason why you fucking failed the test we spent weeks studying forâ and yet again, you stayed silent and emotionless to which he scoffed âyouâre wasting both our timesâ he gave up and stood up fully, ready to pack his things and go but you couldnât risk losing Jeno, now out of all times since you were already failing two subjects âwait I- I was distracted okay?!â he rolled his eyes, âreally, y/n?â He said with a sarcastic tone, back still facing you âyes! I- I just- I got so distracted and everything just- poof! I forgot everything I learnedâ you tried to explain frantically and he turned to face you again âAnd what was this âdistractionâ that was so much more appealing than passing your exam?â He crossed his arms, waiting for a decent explanation âyouâ you gathered every bit of courage to say it out loud but you were desperate to make him stay. He arched his brow in response âme?â you nod slightly while looking down as you didnât want him to see the blood rushing to your cheeks from your growing embarrassment.
Needless to say, Jeno was intrigued by your answer, of course he was still mad about you failing your tests but he wanted to dig deeper into this âdistractionâ of yours, after all, it was his job to make sure your head was straight and focused on studying.
He walked back up to your desk slowly âand how exactly was I distracting you, Miss y/l/n?â he tilted his head to the side, awaiting your answer âwell youâre not exactly what I expected when I was told I was getting a tutorâ you murmured and he hummed âhow so?â you inhaled heavily, building up the confidence to tell him why exactly he was distracting you even though you both knew he already knows the reason why âwell for starters, youâre hotter than 99% of the guys Iâve ever seen in my life..and you always wear that white button up with your sleeves rolled up to your arms. You always leave a few buttons unbuttoned, just enough for people to take a peek of whatâs inside yet still leave some things for the imagination...â Jeno wasnât dumb, he saw the way you would shuffle in your seat and go red whenever he said something particularly flirty. He knows that you wear that agonizingly short skirt and pull it up to your waist so it rides just above your thighs for him. The way you would sway your hips when heâs walking right behind you. How you would âaccidentallyâ let your pen slip from your hand so you could bend down in front of him just to pick it up which was so fucking unnecessary but it got him so worked up anyways. Jeno knew it but he wanted to hear it straight from you. His face didnât show any emotion while you talked but he was definitely amused by your honesty âAnd donât even get me started with your your hands, fuck theyâre so veiny and hot, I canât count the amount of times Iâve imagined them-â you cleared your throat, stopping yourself from embarrassing yourself any further âhmm?.. why did you stop?â you swallowed thickly âI -uh-â âyou were talking about how youâve been imagining my hands?ââI was just talking rubbish, never mind that..â he leaned down so he was eye level with you yet again âno, tell me more, Iâm your tutor, am I not? Itâs only fair for me to know about these distractions so we can find a way to fix themâ you tucked your hair behind your ear and you didnât know where the sudden confidence came from but something pushed you to spit it out âIâve always imagined them wrapped around my neckâ you kept looking down, not daring to look up even for a second âis that all?â you nod and you could not have been any less prepared for what he says next âYou donât imagine my fingers inside your pussy whenever you touch yourself? You donât imagine yourself, legs spread on my desk while I fuck you into oblivion?â you looked at him and it was like he wasnât affected by whatever was going on ân-no, I donâtâ lies.
Jeno stood up fully again, grabbing the text book from his own desk âcome hereâ he said as he motioned for you to come over with a single wave of his finger and you stood up from your seat, walking over to him.
He grabbed your waist and lifted you up on his desk and you yelped at his sudden action. He opened the text book and of course you were curious âwhat are you doing?â âyou wanted to work on distractions, right? Then answer my questions while I play with youâ you only stared at him with your wide eyes, scared and excited about whatâs to come next.
He lowered himself and lift up your skirt "let's start with the basics: what's the powerhouse of the cell?" he asks and your eyes gleamed, you knew this one. âItâs the mi-â you were cut off when he slowly traced the insides of your thigh âthe mi- what?â he taunts, his ego building up, knowing youâre already falling apart just with a simple touch âm-mitochondriaâ He smiled âvery good. whatâs the first step in meiosis and cell division?â âProphase one?â he slowly took off your underwear and you can already imagine how dripping wet you are but your thoughts were focused in answering his questions that you basically ignored your arousal âgood girl, now whatâs the difference between prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells?â you spent a few seconds rummaging your brain for the answer and your face lit up when you got it âprokaryotic cells are uni-cellular while eukaryotic cells are multi-cellular!â he pushed your legs further apart, your glistening folds now fully exposed to him âmhmm, so tell me why you got all these questions wrong in your test?â he moves closer to your core and he looks up at you, awaiting your answer âI guess I just forgotâ you said as you bit your lip innocently âthen weâll have to find a way to make you remember now, donât we?â you looked straight at him and his eyes were dark with lust. He smiled but it wasnât his typical âitâs okay that you made a mistake, we can fix itâ smile, itâs the type of smile that made it look like he was gonna eat you right then and there.
He licked a strip of your slit and you started to whimper to which Jeno of course, mentally took a note of âaww is my baby sensitive?â you nod frantically and he let out his infamous low chuckle ânow, recite all the stages in mitosis, angelâ
He was now giving kitten licks to your sensitive bud which left your mind all fuzzy âI-interphase, prophase, telophase-â he continued to lap up your arousal and stuck his tongue in you which earned him a high pitched whine âmetaphase, anaphase!!â you quickly answered in a whiny voice. He removes his mouth off of you and replaces it with his fingers and with the first push of his middle finger inside of you, he immediately tried to find your sweet spot âyou wanna try that again, pup?â he was pushing in and out of you all while continuously rubbing circles on your clit, leaving you a whiny and stuttering mess âI-I..ahhh fuck-â a string of curses and incoherent words left your mouth and Jeno was pleased at how your body was reacting to him but you havenât answered his question yet âIâm not gonna ask you again. What are the stages in mitosis by order?â He added another finger and curled them both inside you, causing you to arch your back but he used his other hand to hold you in place âInterphase, Prophaseâ shit!â His fingers were moving faster by the second and you felt like you were gonna explode âMetaphase, Anaphase... FUCK!â you were so so close âis my baby close?â you nodded with an exasperated whine âplease..â a reassuring smile was plastered on his face âjust one more step and Iâll let you come, angelâ
your mind was filling up with nothing but bliss and Jenoâs fingers inside you but you were so desperate to come, you tried to remember everything you learned with all the energy you have left âTELOPHASE!!â tears gathered in your eyes and Jeno was left with a satisfied grin âthatâs my girlâ and with that he hooked your legs over his shoulders, pulling you closer to him as he ate you out. You tasted so sweet; so heavenly and Jeno swore he just found his new addiction.
He felt your tiny hands gripping his hair and he knew he was doing something right. Seeing Jeno devour your cunt was the most sinful sight yet you have no means of stopping him âFuck, right there! Shitâahhh!â your whines only made him prod his tongue inside your hole deeper âg-gonna come!â you squealed and he rubbed your clit while licking you up and down which finally pushed you to the edge.
Jeno cleaned you up with his tongue some more and was ready to pull away. Having only just climaxed, you were sensitive but you wanted more. You wanted him to fill you up and use you to his hearts content âc-cock..â he shot his head up to look at your fucked out expression âhmm? what was that?â he wanted to make sure his ears werenât deceiving him âI want your cock, pleaseâ he definitely heard that one right but he was still worried because he didnât want to push you over your limit âare you sure you can take it, baby?â you nod your head, desperate to feel him inside you, and thatâs all the reassurance Jeno needed before he pushed his pants down and released his thick member.
He was massive and you started to get a little worried if you can take all of him âis it gonna fit?â Jeno cooed at how you looked genuinely worried that his cock wasnât gonna fit into your tiny little pussy so he held the side of your face, brushing his thumb over your cheeks to wipe off the mascara dripping down so prettily and making you look like a hot mess âoh baby, weâll make it fit.â He rubbed his length up and down, the tip angry red and leaking with pre-cum. You wanted a taste of it but that just has to wait for another time.
âAre you ready, angel?â You gave him a small nod and he slowly started to push himself in, making sure not to hurt you. âSo. Fucking. Tiny.â He could barely fit half of him inside you even when your cunt was already dripping wet from earlier. He had to pull himself all the way back out and push it all the way in again for him to bottom out and you swore you almost passed out. The stretch burned but you tried your best not to move around so much.
It took you a few more thrusts until you could somewhat take all of him in your hole but you still couldnât get used to it. âJ-jeno, youâre so b-big, please slow down!â you sobbed which only drove Jeno mad âWhat? Am I too big for you? Your tight cunt canât take every inch of my cock?â you could only respond with sobs and pleas but your walls clenching around him said enough and it only boosted his ego even more âisnât this what you wanted, baby? For me to fill your tiny hole with my fat cock?â He gets rid of his white button up and looks down at your tiny figure as he fucks into you. He noticed a little bulge forming on your lower abdomen each time he went in and it drove him insane seeing your little tummy take all of him so he smirked and took your hand to guide it on your stomach, feeling his cock hit your deepest parts and poke through you âlook at your tummy, angel.. You feel that? Thatâs the only cock this little pussy will ever needâ his filthy words were riling you up even more which you didnât think was even possible and you were now practically begging him to go faster âso needy and prettyâ he chuckled, how could Jeno ever say no to his little baby? He picked up his pace, thrusting into you at an inhumane speed.
He pulled your body up and you immediately hooked your arms around him, clawing your nails at his back âGod, right there Jeno, fuck!â you were holding onto him for dear life and was uncontrollably clenching around his length âso fucking tight, angel. How are you even taking my cock?â you brought one of your hands to grip the back of his head and pulled him in for a hot make out session. He was catching all your moans and whines in his mouth and soon enough, the knot in your stomach started to form again and Jeno could tell you were close by the way your grip on his hair tightened and your walls contracted so much around him that he couldnât even move properly.
He started to rub circles on your clit to aid you in reaching your climax and your whines became so needy and loud âCome for me me, angel. I wanna feel you all over my cockâ and with just those magical words, you reached your second mind-blowing orgasm of the day and he slowly lied you back down as he thrusts into you a few more times, chasing his own high, leaving you shaking and whimpering from overstimulation âI got you, babyâ he reassures, moving the strands of hair covering your face to give you a soft kiss on the lips âsuch a pretty angelâ.
#jeno smut#nct smut#nct dream smut#jeno x reader#nct x reader#nct 00 line#jeno#nct au#jeno au#00 line smut#nct dream 00 line#nct dream scenarios#nct scenarios#kpop smut#nct#nct dream
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I originally wrote some parts of this post under a reblog. But somehow half of the text got cut and I had to delete my addition. I was rewriting my points in a new post when this question struck me.
Did free will exist under HWR's rule?
After ep 1 of Loki dropped, I saw a couple of MCU fans get angry over the implication that the Avengers travelled back in time because it was supposed to happen. In their opinion, that erased each and every sacrifice and heroism of the heroes till now because they were doing what they were supposed to do. That implied they weren't actually heroic, they were just fulfilling their destiny. Loki and Mobius also discuss about the same in ep 2. Some people believe that HWR controlled people's destiny.
But this thought comes from the implication that HWR can control people's free will. Which I feel is wrong. IMO HWR can only control people's future and their path on the sacred timeline, not their free will. Let me explain this with the example of landscaping.
Now, in their natural habitat, the branches of trees grow naturally in all directions, without any interference. They don't follow any particular shape and grow to fill whatever space they can find
Meanwhile in landscaping, the branches of trees are pruned in order to achieve a desired shape. A landscaping architect decides the shape of the trees, then gardeners literally trim off the branches of the trees until the tree comes in desired shape. These gardeners are also responsible for maintaining the shape of the trees, as they keep checking the trees periodically and trim off any stray branch.
The TVA works in a similar manner when they maintain the order of the sacred timeline. We can imagine HWR as the landscaping architect who has selected a desired shape and design.
The multiverse is the tree in its natural growth, the sacred timeline the pruned tree. TVA are literally like gardeners tasked with maintaining the shape of the timeline. The nexus events are stray branches that are then pruned, like branches are trimmed in a tree. The pruned timelines are the cut off branches which are thrown away in a dustbin aka the Void. Maybe this is why many TVA posters have images of branches of trees being cut.
Now, that brings me to my original question. To say, HWR can control free will, means he can control what people can and can't do. But, that is wrong. If you believe in the principle of pre determination, then you might agree that the inhabitants of the sacred timeline are just following a predetermined path set out for them by HWR. Which kind of ascends him to godhood. But HWR is a dictator, not a god.
Going back to the example of landscaping, the gardeners can't control the natural growth pattern of the tree. They can't stop the stray branch from growing. The tree grows branches according to its natural growth pattern.
But the gardeners externally control the shape of the tree by cutting off stray branches. Which means they can't stop the stray branches from emerging, because that is determined by the cell division within the tree. But they can stop these stray branches from growing big and out of the way by cutting them when they start to emerge or become visible.
Similarly, neither the TVA nor HWR can control people's actions. They aren't mind controlling them and forcing them to do their bidding. The people on the sacred timeline choose their actions. They have the free will to make choices for themselves.
What they can't do however, is continue down a path that is not approved by the TVA. Which means the moment they step out of their assigned choices, by choosing to do something different with their free will, they are pruned and thrown into the void.
Because of this, the sacrifices and choices the hero's make are their own choices, because they made them out of their own free will. But they were able to execute these choices and continue on the sacred timeline, because these choices were approved by HWR.
I hope I am clear in trying to explain myself. Tbh this is a very confusing topic.
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Strangetown Mystery 15: RUNÂ
â Weâre stuck here because you!â
â I donât want to argue about this, Johnny. I love you, and I want to keep all of you safe. â
That was the last conversation Johnny had with his father.
Hope was long gone, buried in the cyclone of purple spores that poisoned the air. The streets of Strangetown were silent save for the groaning of spore-infected zombies, most people stood inside these days, too afraid to venture out and encounter their fallen brethren or become infected themselves. The weather that day would have been sunny if the spore clouds didnât hang low in the atmosphere.Â
Unaffected by the bizarre spores, Johnny often ventured out of the Bunker to catch the glimpses of the outside world beyond the barbed wire fence. Looking out into the horizon only drove home the fact that his family was nowhere near freedom, things were only going to get worse and he had his adulthood to look forward to living inside of a concrete box⌠or being transported to Division 47 to be experimented on⌠After all, he had not seen his father in weeks and questioning Buzz was out of the question. The General said that PT9 was running experiments, but what if he was being experimented on? He watched his familyâs morale deteriorate after their father disappeared behind the laboratory doors. His mother dropped whatever façade she was putting on, choosing to stay locked in her bedroom holding onto the last piece that she had of PT9. Meanwhile, Jill was growing even more restless crying herself to sleep most of the time, and lighting things on fire in rebellion. Johnny did not want to acknowledge the schemes his uncles were plotting, the last time he saw Pascal enter the lab he looked completely insane!Â
 Johnny needed to get out. The cement walls of the Bunker only served as a reminder of the freak of nature that he was, the result of an unorthodox union between a human and some extraterrestrial species. Jill even got it in her head that she deserved to be imprisoned, feeling âsafeâ in confinement compared to the outside world. The thought of being trapped forever instilled a fear that Johnny never felt before, as if the walls around him were closing in on him, so tight that he could not escape and return to the life he made for himself in Strangetown. If he ended up behind the laboratory doors, he would never see Ophelia or Ripp again⌠he needed to RUN.
He returned to the bunker before he rose suspicion, entering the bleak facility once more. The cell that his family resided in held an uncomfortable atmosphere of dread, masked by Jennyâs failed attempts at keeping things normal. That night she burned the food again because she was spacing out at the wall, too deep in her thoughts to notice Johnny turn off the stove and lead her to the couch.
Johnny: I made up my mind. Iâm leaving tonight.Â
Jenny: Leaving? Now? I mean- what would your father think if he returned.Â
Johnny: If he returned? Itâs been weeks⌠You and I both know that he would visit every day if he was actually working here.Â
Jenny: Donât say such things⌠he is fine.
Johnny could tell she was at the brink of snapping, her smile faltered as she gripped onto his arm.Â
Jenny: He is fineâŚheâs going to come back.
She reassured herself, but the tears streaming down her face said differently. She turned to her son and nodded in agreement, she had a feeling that something was very wrong with their situation. Jenny had to face the guilt that she failed to protect her husband but she had a chance when it came to her children. If Johnny escaped the bunker, she would know he was safe. Her first son was always resilient and the harsh words he dealt with over the years made sure of that. It was hard enough to see her son grow up so fast, and the thought of throwing her firstborn out into the dangers of the infected world scared her.
Johnny: I am going to be fine, mom. I swear Ripp is going to get me to Deadtree. That is where Ophelia lives so I can hide out there.
Jenny: I know you will be fine⌠but I canât help but worry that my boy is running out into an apocalypse. But whatever it is you have a better chance in Deadtree than in here. Tell Ophelia I said hi...
Johnny: If dad does show up, tell him that Iâm okay, and I that Iâm sorry for yelling at you guys.Â
Jenny: Iâm sure he already knows⌠Heâs proud of you.Â
Tears welled up in his eyes when she mentioned his father. A pang of guilt struck at his heart knowing that their last conversation had been an argument... and even then his father would still be proud of him. Now was not the time to be emotional, but the tight hug his mom was giving him, let some tears escape before he pulled away.
Johnny leaned down to his little sister, and she wrapped arms around him tightly and hugged him close. She clung to him like a koala so he couldnât pull away if he tried.
Jill: Promise me that youâll come back!Â
Johnny: Canât promise much but the next time you see me weâre getting out of here!Â
Jill: Then come back sooner !!Â
Johnny: Look after mom, and baby bro. I will be back soon.
Jenny: Watcher, protect this boy. Donât let him get hurt.Â
3:00 a.m.Â
Johnny approached the general store just as it was about to close, the sight of Ripp leaning against the wall filled him with relief as he approached him. The stars shone brightly in the sky and the sound of crickets and coyotes filled the air as they spoke. He could hardly contain his excitement as Ripp shoved snacks into his shirt pockets and planned their escape. This was happening, he was going to be free or die trying in the process.Â
Johnny: Alright Ripp letâs get the hell out of here! Where is the car?Â
Ripp: Car? We donât have a car. The best chances we have is if we run as fast as we can until we reach the edge of town.Â
Johnny: RIPP! Thatâs insane! We canât run that fast!Â
Ripp: Keep it down dude... Look I disabled Tankâs computer, he wonât be able to check the security cameras until someone fixes them... plus we need to at least try.Â
Johnny: Fine we will go with your plan just open the gates already so we can get a head start.
3:05 a.m.
Ripp opened the gates of the compound, the loud sound of creaking metal rang through the air as the teens slipped through the small crack that they made. What was the point of being stealthy when their plan involved running for their lives! Johnny and Ripp shared laughter as they bounded through the desert, exposed to the outside world and tasting freedom for the first time in ages. Johnny couldnât believe that this was actually working since Rippâs other plan was to âRun faster!â. But so far, They were in the home run!
Tank: Huh... All the cameras seem frozen.. F*ck I need to tell the General about this.Â
3:10 a.m.
Jenny: Do you really think head counts at this time is sane?!
Buzz: JENNY NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR GAMES. WHERE IS THAT GREEN BASTARD?!
Jenny: I donât know Buzz... maybe heâs in the bathrooms or went out for fresh air.Â
Buzz: THAT IS GENERAL BUZZ GRUNT TO YOU- I ONLY COUNTED TWO of YOU! Where is the SON!
Jenny: WHERE IS MY HUSBAND GENERAL BUZZ GRUNT?! Shouldnât YOU be more concerned that he isnât here!?Â
Buzz: I-I know where he is I am asking about your -Â
Tank: * over the phone * General, the security cams are tampered with, someone must have messed with them.Â
Buzz: * over the phone * Not now, Tank I am with Mrs. Smith....What?! What do you mean messed with,Tank?! ... What do you MEAN THE GATE IS OPEN!?
He heard he alarms blare out, signaling the escape of Johnny Smith. His face grew a deep shade of red, the sound of Jennyâs frantic nagging pierced his ears as his mind tried to conceive what the hell was going on. He escorted Jenny back to her cell, trying to ignore her comments about PT9 and the way she broke down when she was locked inside. â Donât hurt him!â Was the last thing he heard as he rushed out of the bunker towards the open gate.Â
3:15 a.m.Â
The General shoved Tank out of the way, yelling at the top of his lungs about how incompetent's he was, the alarms blared as they stood there, looking out at the expansive desert and the darkness ahead of them. Through the haze of the darkness there were vague sounds of shuffling zombies and coyotesÂ
Buzz: Iâm going after them! Do your job and watch the bunker, soldier!
The cool night air was thick with spores as Johnny and Ripp ran through the infected desert. The cyclone rose into the sky, as lightning struck into the crater, a great rumbling shook the ground beneath their feet as growls rang through the sky. Johnny even spotted one of the infected, dazed and sputtering nonsense as she moved and jerked around them. He had no time to waste taking in the absolute disaster that Strangetown had become. Freedom in this new world felt odd, sure he was safe from becoming a science experiment, but now he was exposed to the infection, the zombies and the townsfolk that knew who he was... He couldnât wait to get to Dead Tree after all of this.Â
3:15 a.m.
Buzz: I WILL CAPTURE YOU SMITH! YOU CANâT RUN FOREVER!
Buzz: MARK MY WORDS, BOY YOU WILL BE SORRY!
Buzz: RUN ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU CANNOT ESCAPE!
4:00 a.m
Johnny and Ripp broke out of the desert and into the other town located near by. The atmosphere was eerie and a thick fog hung over the neighborhood as they walked through the empty streets, the faint breeze carried the sounds of ethereal groans but the source was unknown. Ripp lead Johnny to one of the creepier buildings found in Deadtree, the Meeting house. The structure was foreboding and held the odd sensation that entering it would get them killed, yet this was where Ophelia lived now, and the only place Johnny could hide.
Johnny: Oh my watcher, thank you for helping me, Ripp. I canât thank you enough.Â
Ripp: Any time bro, I wouldnât know what to do If I found out that you were vivisected or something. Itâs shady as hell so Iâm glad I got you out first.Â
Johnny: Can you do me a solid and look after mom and Jill, they are still in danger...
Ripp: Heck yeah, Iâll even look out for your dad and see if heâs around. Anyways, Iâm sure Ophelia is tired of waiting. Letâs get you inside.Â
Ophelia stood silently in the Meeting house, pacing around the small apartment she had above the main hall. She wore a plain brown jacket and the look on her face showed that she had not slept in ages. She turned when Ripp opened the door, a small smile formed on her lips as she asked about Johnny before turning back to the television she had on.Â
Johnny: Ophelia, Iâm here. I made it out alive.Â
Ophelia: Johnny! Youâre here! I missed you so much I could barely sleep. Iâm so happy that youâre alive!Â
Johnny: Iâm happy that iâm alive too... I am here to stay for a while so we can catch up a little.Â
Ophelia: I wouldnât mind catching up with you, Johnny.
Johnny: Yeah weâll get to that too. hehe
Ripp: Alright guys get a room. Iâll sleep on the couch tonight.
Ophelia: Yeah right! Come with us, Ripp. I think we all just need a nice break.
Strangetown Mystery 15.5: Test SubjectÂ
The weeks following Nervousâ disappearance were agonizingly painful and dull at the same time. The moment he returned to the castle he was met with a sharp needle to the neck and the unwelcome prospect of newly designed experiments for him to be subject to. He had heard about the Strangetown Syndrome and the effects it had on the human brain, the way that it spread into the spinal chord and made the body into a vessel as the person remained in a state of unconsciousness. The way that it made the body jolt and convulse made the joints ache incredibly, the spores taking over had to get used to walking on two legs and speaking the way humans do, after all.Â
All of these notes were taken down by Loki and Circe during the weeks that Nervous remained grounded in the basement, he could only tell time from the shifting of light in the glass windows and the routine experiments Loki was running on him. His entertainment was swiftly taken away upon his return, and any hand-me-down clothes he owned were confiscated, leaving him in a simple cotton hospital gown. To make matters worse, the Beakers were not holding back on the level of their brutality, as form of punishment they rarely paid attention to his pleas of mercy and continued experiments without hesitation. Not that he was fully conscious most of the time, his mind overtaken with pain killers, sedatives and the spores infecting his brain.Â
Sometimes he could feel the world around him grow dark, the welcoming embrace of nothingness enveloping his body and bringing him out of the world of pain and sadness he was in. The cold boney hands of death never touched him, but he begged for him to do so, the more he pleaded for escape the bastard only spared his life, returning him to the excruciating routine of electrocutions and chemical baths. He never understood why Death never came to him, over so many years heâs seen him many times bringing him a few seconds of relief before he woke up to Loki and Circe prodding his dying body. They seemed to enjoy the prospect that even he couldnât escape through death.Â
Today, Nervous wasnât sure what Loki was doing with him, only mindlessly following orders as the scientist tapped away at machines and made things glow and buzz. Sometimes the machines took a scan of him, sometimes they electrocuted him- he wouldnât be surprised if it did, his right arm lost feeling long ago because of it.Â
Nervous: What are we doing...today..Loki.
Loki: Silence ! You, nervous subject, address me as Dr. Beaker in this lab.Â
Nervous: *grumble* Dr. Beaker.. What are we doing today?Â
Loki: Iâm glad you asked, test subject. We are revolutionizing medicine in this lab. The Curious brothers have failed to produce a viable antidote in the time The Government allotted them. So I, Loki Beaker went out of my way to generously aid the public and produce a vaccine for them.
Nervous: I - donât think thatâs -Â
Loki: LEGAL? Well, Nervous, nowâs not the time to do things the legal route. People are desperate, and they will come to ME for a cure. Thanks to you, my Nervous subject, people will be cured.Â
Loki: Now drink the f*cking antidote!
Nervous: No thank you! Iâve drank enough today. I canât keep food down...Iâm tired.Â
Loki: I will be sure to write that down...but THIS is a new formula. THIS will work, So DRINK IT!Â
Nervous: No! I said I was tired, Loki...
Loki: DR. BEAKER - How many times do we have to go through this? And you are tired? Nervous, you arenât the one slaving away at this antidote! I AM! All you do is drink it and puke up all my work! You are Lucky that I donât throw you out into the street!
Nervous: We have been doing this for weeks, Dr. Beaker, itâs not going to work.
Loki: I have been doing this for weeks. Nervous, we have come so far from the beginning. You donât cough up blood, break out into rashes, or shake uncontrollably anymore. This. Will. Work.Â
The mad scientist forced Nervous to sit down in the chair next to them. His face was a deep seething red as the beaker was tipped into his test subjectâs mouth. Nervous had no choice but to choke down the purple liquid while Loki glared down at him, making sure that he kept the chemical mixture in. The antidote tasted sweet at first, then the burning began at the back of his throat and spread throughout his body. He dropped the beaker and the glass shattered across the stone floor, sending Loki in a fit of rage as Nervous doubled over in pain.Â
Nervous could not make out the onslaught of Icelandic curses, he could hear the beating in his heart along with an ear piercing ringing. He felt his joints tense and ache as the world grew dark once more, but this was not death... Death was comforting even if temporary, this was excruciating.Â
Loki: Thatâs IT Iâve had it with you! You are clearly nothing but a useless guinea pig.....get out.....you are nothing....die...
Lokiâs words were drawn out in between the ringing. The last thing he could feel were rough hands grabbing at his shoulders, lifting him out of the chair and dragging him across the stone floors.Â
The cool desert air hit his skin as he crumbled to the ground somewhere in front of the castle. Nothing mattered now....
ŌČ⏠ÎĂĹŚÄŚâŹĹ ÄÎĹĹED ÎĹÄ HE ÎUĹĹŚ ĹâŹĹPĂĹÄÂ
#strangetown#strangerville#strangetown mystery#johnny smith#jenny smith#buzz grunt#Ripp Grunt#Ophelia Nigmos#jill smith#Loki Beaker#nervous subject#tank grunt
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Shadow and Bone: Missed Opportunities *Spoilers*
I just speed read the Shadow and Bone trilogy. My main interest here was what was going on with Ben Barnesâ character from the trailer. In my brief little popover to the tumblr thread prior to my reading Iâve found he (The Darkling) is quite the divisive figure. Now I have passion for redemption arcs particularly involving those with romantic relationships, so I dived in. I was...disappointed. I canât support Darklina as written, but I also understand why readers latched on to this couple rather than the cannon ship. Â
Malina falls a bit short as a great romance:
1) The deep emotional bonds between them arenât formed in the present. Their love for each other has its roots in their childhood, which we donât see much of. Readers have an easier time investing in relationships we can watch develop. Â
 2) They donât ever function as equals until the end of the trilogy. Alina is beneath Mal, then Mal is beneath Alina. They always feel like they belong on separate paths. They seem to be more holding each other back than helping each other grow.
3) Their âattractionâ is iffy to me. In the first book it seems like Mal doesnât realize heâs interested in Alina romantically until after sheâs taken away. Later he says heâs always been into her but didnât act on it because she was his best friend. Hmmm...yeah.
4) All the book 2 whining and jealousy. Stop guilting her about wanting to save the world! Also yes, she likes her super powers. Please stop shaming her for it! You canât tell me you didnât enjoy being Mr. Universally popular super-tracker dude. Oy.Â
Iâm not saying itâs a bad relationship to include, just not one with ENDGAME written clearly all over it.
Darklina for me is truly a missed opportunity. I canât support the ship for six reasons:Â
1) Tried the kill Mal, rather than imprisoning him.
2) Enslaved Alina. Literal collar. Very bad.
3)Â Massacred a village of innocents, including babies.
4) Blinded his mother rather than imprisoning her.
5) Got into bed with Alina in the guise of Mal. Thatâs entering rape-adjacent territory, and that is NOT where we want to be. Â
6) Literally told her he would kill everyone she loved so sheâd have no choice but to turn to him eventually.Â
Yes these reasons are quite a bit more serious than the problems with Malina, HOWEVER, you make some adjustments and youâve got yourself a truly compelling dynamic.Â
Darkling should have been the antagonist of book 1 and at least part of book two, but not the series, in my opinion. Hereâs why:
Darkling was right about the crap situations in their world. Kids being drafted at 16? Grisha being sold as slaves or burned alive in other countries? Grisha having to bow to a lazy idiot rapist King?Â
The Darkling seizing control in a coup and killing that asshole? He can come back from that. Sending Grisha to massacre members of the Grisha slavery guilds and executioners in foreign cities? He can come back from that. Throwing Mal, his mother, and/or Alina into a cell (rather than the blinding and attempted murder)? He can come back from that. The lies and manipulation? He can come back from that.Â
You could even have him do the thing with Alinaâs power, just switch the target to an enemy armada. He can come back from that because they are enemy combatants, not civilians and particularly not children. Itâs like the Cut thing at the beginning of book 1 when he asks if it is really different to use a sword to kill someone? Honestly itâs not. It would by Darklingâs reasoning be a better choice for gaining wide spread acceptance of the coup because such a display of power decisively can force a surrender from Ravkaâs enemies.Â
Alinaâs power being used to mass slaughter in a single stroke would horrify her and create the necessary push back for her to break free, so that book could keep its ending. Eventually though I think its something she would have been able to understand and accept if not forgive.
So much could have been kept. The remote conversations (minus the bed crawling thing). The mutual betrayal angst. Darklingâs absolute loneness.Â
All that had to be done was for a genocide purge to be kickstarted. Some misalliance on Alinaâs part against the Darkling goes wrong and either the Priest or a human rulers decides the only way to hold on to power is to wipe out the Grisha. This way they need to re-unite and push back the threat. Ends with both of them surrendering their power in the final fight or as part of the peace agreement that is struck. Â
I donât know, its just I feel the whole âFine. Make me the villainâ thing could really have paid off in the end. Just my opinion.Â
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Paper Cut Part 2 | Edmund Pevensie x Reader Soulmate AU
Warnings: Making out/kissing
Time/Era: Modern AU but the Pevensies have been to Narnia.Â
Word Count: 2.5k
Summary: Y/N confronts Edmund about the intense injuries she had received in the past.Â
A/N: Hereâs the second part to paper cut :) If you havenât read the first part, link below! Please send requests :D Enjoy!Â
Part 1 | Part 3 | masterlist | read on ao3
âEdmund, I think you have a lot of explaining to do.â
Edmundâs face was unreadable, almost as if it was made of stone. He stayed quiet; the only sounds that filled the air were the shuffling of the barista and the espresso machine. Y/N wished he would just say something. The silence was damning.Â
âEdmund?â His gaze didnât falter at his name but stayed glued to Y/Nâs hand. His eyes traveled up her arm, taking mental notes of every scar, bruise, bump, or cut. Edmund stood up without a word, the chair making a painful screeching noise in his path, and walked out of the coffee shop.Â
Meeting her soulmate had been completely different in her head; maybe they would fall into each otherâs arms in the streets of London. He would sweep her off of her feet after noticing a small scar on her neck and say something disgustingly romantic. âIâve been waiting for you, Y/N, youâre even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.â Then, they would fall madly, deeply in love, and adopt a dog. Fall wedding perhaps? Maybe summer? But here Y/N sat, one hand on her stomach, the other gripping a foreign notebook. Before Y/N could process what was happening, Edmund was out of sight and she was left to her own thoughts.Â
~
âY/N! Wake up!â Y/N was startled by Y/B/F/N shaking her awake. âDonât you have a final in like an hour?âÂ
That sentence felt like a bucket of ice water. Y/N sprung up from her warm bed and scrambled to get ready. The clock seemed to run dangerously fast and by the time she opened the door of her lecture hall, the test was being passed out.Â
âYou have three hours and because Iâm in such a good mood, you may use your study guide.â The professor continued to pass the packets around the room. They looked thick and time-consuming. Time management had never been Y/Nâs strong suit.Â
When she was handed her paper, all she could do was take a deep breath. This professor was a harsh grader, so unless her answers were 100% correct, there was no way Y/N would pass. She took the unfamiliar notebook she received from Edmund out of her bag and opened it to his scribbled notes.Â
His handwriting was somewhere in between messy and neat; some of the words ran into one another and they were all slanted to the right slightly, yet the letters were beautifully constructed and entirely intelligible. Edmund also took it upon himself to highlight passages he deemed important with a note at the beginning that read: my sister had to take o chem. I asked her whatâs important. That was sweet, Y/N thought.Â
It seemed as if Edmund knew what he was talking about, too. Each answer was answered completely with further background information to make it easy to understand. Why would you willingly take this? Seems like hell⌠was written in the margins next to one of the boxes of text. I could say the same about law, sweater boy.Â
By the time Y/N had finished her final, the three hours had turned into 10 minutes. She was one of three students left in the classroom and the other two were looking beyond panicked. Most of the class seemed to have either blazed through it like it was an 8-year-oldâs math homework or given up halfway through and accepted their loss. Y/N, however, had to pass this class so she triple-checked her answers, took a daydream break, then checked it again. She would be lying if she said her daydreams didnât consist of Edmund. She wondered if he would ever text her again.Â
The young girl hurriedly walked out of the classroom, happy to be done with the semester. She wrapped her jacket tightly around her and braced herself to brave the aggressive weather.Â
âHey,â A voice from her right called out. It was Edmund; he was leaning against the wall lazily. His nose was a bright pink, as were his cheeks, and his hands were pushed into his pockets for warmth.
âEdmund? What are you doing here? You must be freezing!â Y/N walked over to him and looked him once over. A simple long sleeve shirt, vest, and jeans. Y/N slung her wool scarf around his neck.Â
âOh, uh, thanksâŚâ He pushed himself off of the wall with his shoulder. Damn, his shoulders were huge.Â
âIâm sorry about the coffee shop, I didnât mean to jump you like that,â Y/N apologized bashfully. He smiled but it didnât reach his eyes.Â
âNo, I get it. I would have the same reaction. Thatâs, uh, why Iâm here.â Edmund was awkward, looking anywhere but her eyes. Instead, he observed her freckles, eyebrows, and cheeks. âI was wondering if we could, uh, talk? Maybe somewhere private? Like my dorm?â
âOh, so you want to take me, your newly discovered soulmate, back to your dorm?â Y/N had a hint of mischief in her eyes and a teasing smile on her lips. Edmundâs eyes grew wide and he started to sputter.Â
âThatâs not what I meant! I would never! I mean unless you wanted to, but no! I just meant to talk,â His cheeks are red again, but this time it wasnât from the cold.Â
âIâm just taking the piss, letâs go, vesty.â
~Â
Edmunds dorm was not what she was expecting. One side looked like it was hit by a tornado, but the other was very organized. Even on the floor, there was a distinct division between the two sides. The neat side, which appeared to be Edmundâs, was very plain. His bed was made with a red duvet and black pillows, his desk was blank besides a small pencil cup, and the cork board hanging above his desk had reminders and pictures.Â
âThose are my siblings,â Edmund noticed Y/Nâs wandering eyes. âTheyâre practically dying to meet you, Y/N.â
âHow did you know my name? I never told you,â She crossed her arms and strained her neck to look back at him.Â
âAh, so I was right, you donât remember me. We took a few classes together during first and second years. I always thought you were cute, so I guess it stuck.â Now it was Y/Nâs turn to blush.Â
âYou think Iâm cute?â Her arms uncrossed and turned so she was facing him head-on.Â
âWell, yeah. You are my soulmate, after all, Y/N. Donât be silly,â Edmund seemed to be growing more and more comfortable. He was enjoying watching her blush because of what he said; it made a sense of pride grow in his stomach. This was his person, and she was standing right in front of him.Â
âSpeaking of soulmatesâŚâ Y/N trailed off and looked towards the floor. Her hands grasp the zipper of her jacket and unzip it, before rolling up the bottom of her shirt. The jagged scar was on full display, a stark contrast against the skin of her abdomen. Edmund eyed it guiltily; he knew the exact pain she had to go through to get that scar. She had to go through that pain because of him. His own hands found the bottom seam of his own clothes and pulled it up to reveal a matching mark.Â
âI can explain but you wonât believe me,â His honey-brown eyes met hers.Â
âTry me, Pevensie.âÂ
He led her to sit on her bed and sat next to her. Y/N hastily kicked off her shoes so she could sit with her legs crossed on her bed. Her shoes tumbled to the ground with two thuds. Edmund, on the other hand, just bent one leg and let the other hang off the edge. He took her hands in his.Â
âYou have to promise me to listen to it all before you ask questions,â Edmund fidgeted nervously with a ring on Y/Nâs fingers as they spoke. Y/N didnât know if this was on purpose or a subconscious action, but it comforted her all the same. Â
âWell, when I was young my parents sent my siblings and me to live away from home. When we were there, my little sister Lucy discovered a wardrobe in one of the spare rooms. Well, inside the wardrobe was this beautiful land called Narnia. It was gorgeous and huge! And when I say huge, I mean HUGE!â He caught himself rambling excitedly and reeled it back in. âWell, uh, anyway, there was this woman, we called her the White Witch and she manipulated me into basically selling my siblings out. The entire nation of Narnia got into a huge battle and the White Witch stabbed me.âÂ
âDid she lock you up somewhere cold?â Y/N asked, disregarding her promise to stay quiet.Â
âUm, yeah. She locked me in this big ice cell. It wasnât fun. Iâm pretty sure I almost got frostbite but my body rejected it because I started warming up randomly.â
Y/N smiled. The paper towel.Â
âBut that scar on your stomach,â He took his hand away from yours and gently touched your stomach. âIs because she stabbed me. But again, my sister Lucy had this special liquid that could heal any injury.âÂ
Edmund seemed to smile at the memory. âLong story short, my siblings and I got crowned Kings and Queens of Narnia and ruled for a number of years. We then got sent back-â
âWait, wait, wait, Kings, and Queens? Who are you? Alexander the Great?â Her tone was teasing and unbelieving.Â
âEdmund the Just, actually. And I told you to listen!â His smile reached his eyes this time. âWell we came back to earth through the wardrobe and we were kids again! About a year later, we returned to Narnia and met our good friend Caspian. We had to fight Caspianâs home country. In the end, Aslan helped us and Caspian became a king as well.â
âWhoâs Aslan?â Y/N was doing her best to keep up and believe the information, but it was quite hard.Â
âHeâs a big lion, heâs kind of like the ruler of Narnia. I guess you could say a God? I guessâŚâ
âA big lion god? EdmundâŚâ
âI know it sounds crazy, Y/N. I know but you have to believe me! I went one more time with Lucy and my cousin. We were on a big Naval ship with Caspian and we had to find a bunch of swords-â
âEdmund, love, just tell me the truth.â Y/N was sad that right off the bat her soulmate was lying to her. Edmundâs eyes seemed to lose their sparkle.Â
âI would never lie to you, Y/N. Here, look.â He took off Y/Nâs scarf and gently placed it on the bed before pulling his vest and shirt over his head. On his rips was a beautifully drawn tattoo of a lion that appeared to be roaring. And on his collarbone was a sword. Y/N delicately reached her hand out and ran her fingertips against the drawing of the weapon. It had insane detail and the way it was drawn made it look sharp. Y/N retracted her hand and sat back.Â
âThatâs one of the swords we found during my third trip. It was gifted to Caspian by the lord who owned it. And this is Aslan. His roar was the most powerful magic in all of Narnia.â Edmund searched Y/Nâs face for any emotion she was feeling. Right now, she was staring at the sword with a pondering look on her face.Â
âOkay, say you were a king-â
âI am a king.â
âFine, youâre a king. What exactly did you do, ya know, as a ruler?â
âWell, me and my brother Peter ran the army and trained them for battle. Along with other things like managing trade and creating political policies.â
âSo, fighting? You fight?â
âYeah, I fought in many battles, big and small. I got stabbed, remember.â His smile was cheeky and he pulled his long sleeve back on. âOnce I got good, I didnât even use a shield. I fought with two swords.â
âTWO? Arenât those things heavy?â
âWell, yes, but when you went through all of the training I did, it gets easier.â Edmund could tell he was starting to believe him.Â
âTell me more.â
~
The two spent the next few hours discussing the ins and outs of Narnia down to the floor plan of Cair Paravel. Y/N had decided that Edmund had way too much detail to be making it up, and even if he did, it was so magical that she wouldnât even be mad.Â
âOkay, vesty, I believe you.â Y/N says after Edmund gave a lengthy explanation about all the gifts his siblings received and what they do. He stopped mid-word and stared at her.Â
âYou believe me? Really?âÂ
Y/N smiled and nodded. âYes, Edmund. Iâm going to be spending my life with you, your highness, so I may as well get familiar with it.â
âPlease donât call me that,â Edmund scooted closer to her. âI hated it even when people in Narnia called me that. I donât need people outside of Narnia calling me it. Especially not you.âÂ
She turned her head so she was staring right at him. âWhy not me?â Y/Nâs speech came out as a whisper. They were so close that she didnât need to speak loudly.Â
âBecause if I really was your highness, it would be kind of weird for me to do this.â
Edmund placed a hand on Y/Nâs jaw and leaned in. His lips barely brushed her lips before pressing firmly against them. Y/Nâs eyes closed shut and she happily kissed back.Â
When people described kissing their soulmate for the first time, they always explain it as an electric spark igniting throughout their entire body. They explain it as a firework show full of magnificent colors. Kissing Edmund didnât feel like that. Kissing Edmund felt like home. She felt safe, secure, and loved as if kissing this boy was what she was meant to do for her entire life. The way he tasted, like peppermint and candy, was the best thing she had ever tasted. And they way he held her, one hand on her jaw and the other holding her close to him by her waist, felt like the warmth of a favorite blanket. The way he moved made her knees feel like jelly.Â
As their lip lock continued, his fingertips danced across her back until it landed on the other side of her jaw. He pulled away from their kiss, pressing a quick peck against her nose and jaw before leaning against his headboard.Â
âIâve been wanting to do that for my entire life,â Y/N said, her voice gentle and soft.Â
âMe too. The thought of kissing you, Y/N L/N, was the only thing that got me through some tough times. I had to make it to be able to feel what it was like.â
Y/N was silent for a long moment.Â
âEdmund, love, do you think I will ever go to Narnia?â
Edmund looked at her for a long moment then smiled with half of his mouth.Â
âI donât know, darling, but anything is possible. Especially when it comes to Narnia.âÂ
#edmund pevensie#edmund pevensie x reader#edmund x reader#edmund pevensie fanfic#edmund pevensie fanfiction#the chronicles of narnia#the chronicles of narnia fanfic#the chronicles of narnia fanfiction#narnia
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The voyage of the smuggler [Emeriel]
Part 2
Summary: Rhysand has been killed by his enemies from Hewn City, and Feyre has died with him because of a secret pact between them no one knew about. Keir, Rhysanâs only male relative, has inherited the crown of the Night Court and the High Lordâs magic, and he is taking revenge on each and every member of Rhysandâs Inner Circle one by one. Azrielâs been taken, and Emerie has only one chance to save him before he is executed in two days.
A/N: To the people who thought the last chapter had a lot of angst... sorry in advance. This is a long one.
*If you want to be added to the taglist let me know!
Azriel
Azrielâs cell under Hewn City hadnât existed a year ago, when he was still the Spymaster of the Night Court. The space had been built in record time just for him, and the spymaster couldnât help but wonder if Keir had given an order to create a personal nightmare for each member or Rhysandâs Inner Circle, or if it was just for him. The light was blinding and came from the ceiling. Not even his body could cast a shadow on the marble floor because of how intense it was. It felt like an endless noon, with the sun right above and not a shadow to be seen. The cellâs walls were not average either. They were not made of raw stone or bricks, it was a flat rock surface without any breaks or divisions where a tiny shadow could grow. He was absolutely powerless there.
âMaybe this is lifeâs way to punish me for my crimesâ he thought. The white floor was so smooth he could get a glimpse of his own reflection. It was not neat, but he could still tell that his black hair was long enough to almost cover his eyes.Â
Thatâs what gave him the idea.
Azriel knew for sure it had been less than a day since they shove him inside of the cubicle. His whole body was tense, eager to get out before he had the chance of discovering the variety of tortures Keir and his subjects had planned for him. To take revenge on him. Azriel had known a day might come in which he had to answer for all the pain he inflicted on others, and he had been ready to endure it. But now that his destiny was so close, he felt scared. He hadnât thought he would feel that way when death lastly approached him, but he did. Because he had dreamed of his own life ending many nights, but in his reveries, Rhysand and Feyre were alive, Amren was alive, Mor and Cassian were safe, and Emerie was still a stranger who had recently befriended Nesta Archeron.
He realized with horror that he hadnât dreamed about his final day coming since they met. Not once had the urge of punishing himself with self-inflicted nightmares come to him since Emerie forced herself into his life with her loud arrogance and big presence. He could only look forward, to what the next day by her side might bring.
The bright light of his cell didnât allow him to sleep, so he didnât even get the chance of trying to imagine her in the scenario. That was probably for the best. Azriel didnât want her to see him when his life was taken from him, even if her face was the one thing he wished to see before his eyes were closed forever.
Azriel had always understood balance. He thived from it. His power was not darkness, like many people assumed, but the mastering of shadows; those that came from both obscurity and light. He was sure darkness would come into his cell sooner or later. They had built new spaces to torture them, sure, but the protocol of Hewn Cityâs prison was sill the same. He only had to wait and it would come to him.
âFor how long?â he asked himself. They kept Amren there for a month, but Keirâs people would probably hold him for a longer time just to enjoy torturing him with no hurry.
Vengeance upon him, what Keir had wanted from the moment Rhysand sittted on the Night Court throneâs for the first time and declared him his enemy instead of making him his mentor. Azriel, a bastard born and a lesser faerie having a bigger role in the Courtâs politics than he did. He was above Keir, who was of royal blood, and that couldnât be forgiven. Nor all the humiliations that came next.
Azriel stood up and walked around his cell. There was nowhere to sit or lay, so he had to âgo for a walkâ pretty often to avoid his muscles becoming sore. It was tiring, and he thought it could help him get some sleep. His wings were tied, but no one touched them further. They didnât dare. His name still had power in the Night Court, battle-hardened soldiers flinched at the sound of it. He had a reputation, and even the people who found an imprisoned him were wise enough to be scared of the tied up and unarmed Illyrian shadowsinger.
Besides, if he stayed on the floor, he would eventually get bored, and when that happened, his thoughts went straight back to Emerie. Every moment he didnât spend scheming a way out of the prison was invested into regretting their last encounter.
After a lifetime of chasing the wrong love, he found her, and barely a year after, they were forced to part. He could have proposed to her, but instead, he was the one who suggested never binding themselves together.
âFor your safetyâ he had said. And she had agreed.
At least, he knew it had been worth it, because she was safe and out of this big mess Rhysand and Feyreâs death had led them into.
The loud steps of a prison guard on the corridor took him out of his trance. Azriel noted he was having too much trouble unlocking the three latches. He pushed the thick door open only enough to come inside. The male was armed to the teeth and held a bucket in one hand.
âFor youâ he threw it on the ground before Azrielâs feet, but the Illyrian had his stare fixed somewhere else, on the guardâs eyes, covered in shadows cast by his hood.
Azriel didnât even had to think about it, his own instinct commanded the power in his veins to come out, the darkness that was supposed to protect the maleâs eyes from the bright light of the cell, becoming his death sentence. His shadows werenât just the union of light and obscurity, but the absence of both. They were voids shaped like black snakes with a life of their own, and they were now corrupting the maleâs yes, covering them, getting inside, feeding themselves with his flesh and absorbing his life into the nothingness they were.
He died before he had a chance to scream, and the shadowsinger was there to hold his body so he didnât make any noise when falling down. Still, he was not gentle when he dropped him on the marble floor and run out of his cell.
As soon as he stepped out into the corridor, he realized why it had taken the guard so long to open the door. The absence of light after so many hours trapped in a cube of white shine made him go completely blind. His eyes simply couldnât see anything, not even perceive the walls around him. Azriel had to use his hands to grope for the stone partitions that formed the passageway.
âWhere am I?â he didnât know. He thought he had an idea of where his confinement might be taking place, but he didnât recognize the texture of the walls around him. He didnât know what way to go, and he hadnât expected that at all. He was the Spymaster, he had been for almost 300 years now, and he used to know the space under Hewn City they used as a prison as the palm of his hand. âWhere am I?â
He had to think quickly, because his options were narrower than he anticipated. And he hadnât thought he had that many to start with. Keir had put a lot of effort into making sure he was confined in the appropiate space, because he had been in a room too well illuminated to let him find his shadows in it, and now he found himself in a corridor too dark to get a glimpse of light. If he remained near to the door, he could still gather a few shadows and send them to explore the labyrinth, but they would only go so far before the darkness was too vast for them to thrive.
But he couldnât stay there for long either, or some other guard might go check on him and find him sitting next to the dead body on the floor. He couldnât just go now, or he would get lost too soon to be worth it.
He needed to find the way out.
Azriel recoiled a few steps and sent his shadows to explore the way ahead. He could sense what they saw... endless walls, cold floors, and if he took three turns right, he would find... Mor? No, not her, but a familiar warmth that reminded him of his friend.
âCould it be Keir?â, he wondered; they were family, after all. No, he never reminded him of her. Their auras were almost opposites. This wasnât Mor, but it was a feeling of safety that guided him in the darkness. Azriel was disoriented, and maybe thatâs why he decided to follow what would stink like a trap if he hadnât been so desperate.
His shadows couldnât go far enough to tell him what was it three turns to the right that called him so badly, but he put his hands to that side of the wall, and started walking, trusting it blindly.
Only when he finally saw the orb on the floor, its silver light illuminating the space enough for him to distinguish its round shape against the rest of the tunnel, he recognized the Veritas. Morâs family treasure had once belonged to her father. Azriel himself stole it from him and gave it to Rhysand. The last time he had seen it, it had been used to negotiate with the Mortal Queens, before the war.
The shadowsinger knew it was a trap, a piece put there by Morâs father to play mind games with him. If he had learned anything from his missions during the centuries, it was that one should never, under any circumstances, take Keir for granted. Rhysand had thought he would be able to keep him in line if he opened up Velaris, and Caldroun knew how that had worked out for him.
Yet, the magical object had an aura so strong he couldhear it calling his name.
âAzriel, Azriel, Azrielâ. It was a familiar voice. Azriel touched the orb, and a vision of the past projected into his mind without giving him the chance of resisting.
They were in Emerieâs bedroom, the snowstorm outside so dangerous she had offered him to stay for the night. They had been seeing each other for half a year, but they had never spent the night in the same house before. That night they had sex, and she made dinner for both of them. At first he thought they had been lucky Nesta was with Cassian, or elsewhere it would be the three of them having dinner in silence. Then, he remembered they only met in there when Nesta wasnât around, so it was not a coincidence at all.
Emerie didnât like silence, but she also hated small talk, and getting into deep conversations made her uncomfortable -At least with him. At least for now-, so when they didnât know what to say, she would start talking about her childhood and all the good memories she treasured of the time. He had been afraid it triggered him, or it made her uncomfortable if he told her about his own past, but it didnât, and she found the right way to mix his experience into the conversation with that dark humour of hers he enjoyed so much.
âYou whiny bitchâ she had called him that night. He knew a fire-related joke was coming, and a smile was already forming on his lips. âOh, my dad set me on fireâ she mocked âThatâs nothing, Az. My dad...â she made a pause and pinched the bridge of her nose in a dramatic gesture, like she was trying to overcome a wave of emotion. All faked. â... My dad gave me the worst haircut I have ever seen when I was 17 years oldâ.
Azriel held his smile and put a comforting hand on her shoulder âEm, I...â he pretended he had no words to ease her pain. She pushed him away.
âYou what?â she fake-cried. There were no tears on her face, but if she could cry on command, it would have been the perfect charade âYou feel me? No you donât! I was 17, and I looked so bad not a single boy asked me out for a year. At 17, Az! Thatâs like the most important age for datingâ.
He thought she was funny. He thought her effort to make it easy for him to talk about his childhood without throwing a pity party for him was endearing. And she always made sure she wasnât overstepping and hurting his feelings. She had finally mastered the fire jokes, after getting bored of the not-knowing-how-to-fly ones. Those had been the first ones she came up with, because, ironically, she couldnât fly either.
âEm, I donât even know what to say. I canât even start to imagine what you went through. I mean, I canât even remember what I was doing at 17âł He made a dramatic pause too, but his werenât as good âOh, wait, I was getting laid every night. Yeah, thatâs why I canât really feel your pain, sorry". He held her hand in his. He wasnât wearing his gloves, she said she liked his scarred hands better. He didnât believe it, but took them off every time anyway. âMaybe you should try sharing this story with someone who is ugly. Maybe theyâll know what to sayâ
âIâm never cutting my kidâs hairâ she said. She was smiling, and he was too.
âYeah, Iâm okay with that. And if they want to cut it, I can probably do it better than you, anywayâ he answered.
The room went silent. They looked at each other, suddenly serious. Azriel panicked, realizing the implications of his words. When he didnât know what to say, the shadowsinger stayed quiet, in fear he would add the wrong thing and make things worse. So it was Emerie who said:
âWell, if you want your kids and my kids to be the same kids, youâll have to do something about your friends who hate meâ. Her voice was firm, not nearly as loud as it had been moments ago. He nodded and silence reigned in the room again. âIâm serious, Azriel. I would like to have a life with you, but... Iâm not doing it unless I know Iâm going to be a priorityâ
It was fair. She had complained about his friendâs co-dependency before, and he knew sooner or later she would bring it up again and he would have to either break up with her, or grow some balls and talk to them.
Azriel had done a good amount of unforgivable things in his lifetime. He knew that, and he had never tried to make excuses for it. After all he had been through as a child, he genuinely had trouble sometimes telling where the line was. And knowing he had already crossed it once, he thought his soul would be cursed forever, no matter if he never did it again or if he did it a hundred times over. At least he was useful, and his family loved him regardless.Â
He thought no other female but Mor would be able to see his darkness and embrace it, and that was why he had been pining for her for so many years. He had thought Morrigan was the only chance of love he would ever have. It was either her or solitude. But Emerie saw him, everything he had done to others, and still loved him somehow. The only thing she asked of hin in return, was the certainty that she would never be harmed or neglected even if Rhysand asked him to hunt her down, which was fair. She had wanted to know that he would always put her first, and no matter what the High Lord from the Night Court commanded, she would never suffer by his hand.
âHe would never ask that from meâ
âStillâ
So he went to Mor and talked things out. He told her about Emerie and how deeply rooted his love for her was after less than a year of knowing her. He told her about the bond he had felt between them that night in her house, and how every fiber in his body had known he simply wasnât capable of staying away from her, no matter what.
He then talked to Rhysand, who was his friend, but also his High Lord, and who could, technically, use his power over him to force him. Azriel was convinced Rhysand would never cross that line, but Emerie had asked for certainty, and he was going to give it to her. Rhysand had been happy to grant him his wish, and had been eager to celebrate his bond with Emerie. It had snapped for him, not for her. Azriel was not sure if it had actually fallen into place and she was being cautious, or if her fear for his job and duties in Court was so big it was the one thing preventing it from snapping for her.
Emerie and Nest had their onw party the night they all met to have dinner together in Velaris, and he didnât mind her not attending, it was just onther one of Feyreâs endless fancy meetings. He thought there would be many more to come. The Inner Circle reunited and they drank too much while celebrating life, and happiness, and how lucky they all had been founding each other.
When the sun came out, Azriel was the one who found Rhysandâs body in the gardens.
Stabbed in the heart, his High Lord had been killed in a city that used to be safe. Inside his house. Cassianâs hungover had disappeared in less than a second when he saw Azriel carrying their friend inside the house and had run for Feyre. Their High Lady didnât have a dagger forged in Hewn City coming out of her chest, like Rhysand did, but somehow she was dead too. Cassian was out of his mind, desperately wanting to get out of the city and go to his own house to make sure Nesta was okay, the bond pulling, but knowing his High Lord had been murdered, and he had a duty to attend. Watching him like that, so desperate, so lost and overwhelmed by feelings, made Azriel realize he couldnât marry Emerie now. She still had a chance of having a normal life, and he wasnât cruel enough to ask her to leave with him into exile, not knowing when they would be caught by the enemy. By his enemy, not hers. Not if they didnât bind themselves together.
He took care of the bodies while the rest decided what their next move was going to be, because he already knew: to escape.
The the vision changed, and he was now seeing a letter. He knew the handwriting, it was Emerieâs. It was addressed to Keir. The piece of paper was folded on a familiar wooden desk, so he could only see Keirâs name and address on it.This wasnât a memory of his own making, but if the Veritas was showing it to him, it must have been true.
Emerie sat on the desk and with a perfect trace, she flipped the paper and signed it at the end of the page. Then she put it inside an envelope, and sealed it with a wax seal Nesta had gifted her for her birthday.
The spymaster knew this game. He understood what Keir was trying to make by showing him the letter: creating doubt. He had used the technique on countless prisoners to get information from them, to drive them crazy. Thatâs how he knew it was working. Because he knew Emerie would never contact Keir, he would bet his life on it, on her innocence, even after seeing her hadwriting on it, her signature. But if the Veritas was showing it to him, it must have somehow happened.
How? Why would Emerie do such thing? There must have been an answer, a trick hidden inthe text he wasnât allowed to read, even if he couldnât come up with anything at the moment. He hoplessly wanted to believe in her.
He woke up numb, his wings still tied together, and alone back in his cell. The bucket the prison guard he killed had brought him was right where he had dropped it, but there was no trace of the body.
Azriel knew he was not making it out alive. What he didnât know, was that Emerie was on her way.
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