#but a lot of people were liking fuckpaws so why not share some more

[pybot]

Ark story time!: Fucktail

So tragedy struck on the server over night and our loyal fuckpaws was killed.

Yeah, i know. I’m not over it ether. Somehow he glitched out of the safety of my thatch establishment and was slaughtered.

However his banging girlfriend (adequately named Yiffy) lives on. So trying to pick up on my loss of Fuckpaws I go on the search to find an adequate dinosaur to be named and raised in the Fuckhands squad. I severely underestimated the lack of fuckhand dinosaurs in this game and found even less in scorched earth (namely, i wanted a therizisorious named Fuckclaws Mcgee but i have no earthly clue where those bastards are)

So now i decide to throw away the fuckhands requirement and just have any dinosaur that i could make (debateably) a hilarious name out of to fit my taste. I manage to tame a very low leveled  Morellatops and it’s honestly the best fucking dinosaur in this gotdamn DLC like holy shit??? could she be anymore versatile??? Anyway, her name is Fuckellatops and she increases my Narco development (and thanks to Fuckpaws bold sacrifice) I have a shit ton of Narcotics. So I promptly tame a lv 35 Raptor and name it Fuckclaws.

So shit is gettin’ on the right foot here. I gotta note, this is the first time i’m playing on a pve official server and pvp i never get this well off before i’m destroyed. I got three very useful tames and I’m getting a good source of materials from them. I’m upgrading into a lovely stone establishment (this is before i noticed it roasts me alive but alas) i’m one happy Michelle Fuckhands rn. but then horror strikes.

goddamn terror birds.

they soar in from the mountain and nearly kill me and Fuckclaws. we barely escape and I kite them away from my exposed Fuckellatops. I need shelter for these babes. I can’t let what happened to Fuckpaws happen to my new children...

I desperately try to get hide and make a Spike “fence” if you will. but going inside my own home roasts me alive and Fuckclaws isn’t strong enough to face most of the dinosaurs in the area to get hide. I need a real damn home to house these guys.

Thankfully, a neighbor spots my struggle and suggests taming the nearby Doedicurus to help speed up my home making plans and not to destroy my stone home (as i was considering it) and instead make it the bottom of a larger home and let the dinosaurs be stored there with an Adobe home on top for me to live in and brace the weather.

This, this was an excellent plan. However, i’ve never tamed one of these damn things before. I knew players worshiped the very ground they walked on, i thought they were pretty darn cute looking. but I never owned one.

holy fucking shit did it take forever.

i starve him out first, which takes 2 goddamn hours to do so, and i’m promptly shoveling narcotics in him as fast as i can produce them. I got out of Fuckclaws to get hide for his saddle and meat to rot, take those back and make Narco, go back to the fucking Doedicurus and rinse repeat. FOR TWO HOURS.

finally this ho is close to starving. and by fucking accident i drop a single fucking berry in before he’s starved and ruined the extra levels. But at least he’s taming all the way up. I go back to my home, drop off Fuckclaws, grab the saddle and waddle back to my new tame: Fucktail.

Holyshit is this little fucker glorious. seeing the wild ones, i was expecting it to be slow as shit. but he’s a goddamn speed demon. I take him to the top of the moutain to my home, he struggles a little bit because of his weird size but i get him there. I park him nearby and grab my tools and walk outside only for literally a raptor to be flying at my face.

i’m knocked down my mountain and i’m almost entirely out of health, i see that it’s not just one raptor but two. both being in 50′s. I didn’t mind too much at the moment. I’m use to suicide kiting dinosaurs away from my dinosaurs and since they jumped off the cliff, they won’t be able to access mine.

that is, until i see lovely little green text of Fucktail wobbling my way.

i left him on fucking follow.

but it’s already too late, i’m dead and i see Fucktail tumbling down the mountain to defend my corpse. he’s only level 20. i’m fucking livid at this moment, never in my life have i been so pissed at arks ‘awakening’ animation. I’m sprinting my ass down that mountain as fast as Michelle’s legs were carrying me, i was not about to lose a fucking 2 hour tame with ridiculous resources invested in to some fucking raptors.

but as I reach the bottom, i hear no attack music. i looked to my left and found a bloodied raptor corpse and to my right i hear the gentle but repetitive ‘thuwmp’ of a Doedicurus tail.

Fucktail was pulverizing the remaining Raptor into the fucking cliff. It couldn’t move whatsoever.He had removed a few rocks from the cliff and got the Raptor stuck in a bit by the cliff. Practically curb stomping it. Fucktail was whooping fucking ass.

And he got 63 hide.

And that’s now why i join the cult of worshiping Doedicurus. Long live Fucktail.