#but Im willing to pay whatever it costs honestly

[casdeans-pie]

Well it was inevitable but I got Pumpkin another (yes another) vet appointment, because he's still chewing strangely on his gums and it's not got any better

Long rambling under the cut lmao

Honestly lost count of how many times this cat has been back and forth to the vets in the last couple of months

He's got really anxious from it - he gets nervous when he hears certain sounds because they sound like his cat carrier - or if I go into the cupboard the carrier lives in for something else (its where my washing basket also lives) he'll hide under the bed

:):):):)

They've given him anxiety is what they've done

I say that like this cat hasn't been highly strung and full of baggage since I got him, but that's just the throw of the dice you make when you adopt a 'rescue cat' I guess. You have no idea what kind of issues they come with, but at least you've given them a loving home right??

Pumpkin came from a lady and her hoard of neglected cats. I don't know whether they were all seized from her, or something happened to her, Cats Protection were strangely quite closed lipped about the circumstances, and that's all I could manage to get from both the charity and the fosterer.

He was little more than skin and bone when I got him, you could see every rib and notch on his spine, it was super sad. And now he's this big Garfield looking heavy lump of a thing, but still full of anxiety and now hardly any teeth!!

Anyway, using tumblr as a diary to vent makes me feel a bit better. So ignore this if you want, if you even got this far lmaooo

I just, ugh. I want him to be well again. I know a bunch of people who have had cats have teeth extractions and it's been totally fine. But Pumpkin's has just not healed properly even from the start. Hooray for me!

And I feel bad when I talk about my cat a lot because like, he's my best friend, but he is still a cat. I know a few people I work with who are struggling with sick family members at the moment and then I'm sat there like, "my cat is poorly again!" I can't do that! I just don't really talk about it at work. And then my mum thinks I'm overreacting by taking him to the vets this many times and I'm trying to explain that he's not well, and she thinks he should just be 'getting better' if I give it time

I have given it time! That's one of the problems! My never ending guilt on the fact that he's suffering because I'm waiting to see if it gets any better on its own before I stretch his poor anxiety even thinner by putting him in his cat carrier again! Like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This has been nice to ramble actually. I usually stick these kinds of posts in the drafts and they just gather dust in there forever, but I know a few people are concerned about how Pumpkin is getting on (thank you <3)

Anyway, let's just hope it's something easily fixable, doesn't require more surgery, or x rays, or tests, and my baby can be well again for Christmas 🙏

[fairycosmos]

hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

[floofyfluff]

4:18 am summary of me taking a holiday/snow day shift for extra pay. since i have officially finished with my day job as of 1 pm. is that:

cw death and just like. literally every day i desire to kill the concept of god more

i am a moron. how did i forget where i came from in 6 months. it's so cold and its december which means that everyone is dying. 🎶 its the most wonderful time of the year 🎶 the hap-happiest season of all!!!🎶

god does not exist and he does not love you and i wish you would stop giving him credit for work the rest of us are doing. while blaming us for everything else. i GET that you're devastated i DO but hm i guess actually its my fault i didn't see your grandma's atherosclerosis 3 years ago. thanks. yeah its my fault shes dead. i would really love for a medic to show up but unfortunately they're all busy with the people who might be salvageable right now. a doctor??? LMA fucking O that's not going to help. no amount of epi would help here. i'm breaking ribs as a performance rn. my partner has been here for 2 weeks i've never met her before she's visibly developing a panic disorder. she could be more helpful but also it doesn't matter so whatever. i'm just sitting here until med control can call official tod. which they should have called an appropriate crew here to do before we got here. no shockable rhythm here this is exclusively to make you feel better. which i cannot stress enough i would be very willing to do bc i have done worse things for 2 min cycles but you're telling me that it's my fault this happened while im sobbing so honestly. lay off. or die i guess. whichever comes first.

god does not exist he does not love you and if he does exist he in fact thinks its funny that you die while trying to stay warm under your bed when its -8F. he thinks its hilarious. man's got a long record of opening up the earth and swallowing well-meaning families to teach you a lesson about how much life sucks and how you should fear him just in case he can make it suck even more. it's not my fault of your fault that energy costs as much as it does and your mom thought she'd be fine with some extra blankets!!!! she wasn't fine and its not our fault but it sure feels like it doesnt it!!!

god does not exist and does not love you and you are now the third fucking family who has told me that it's my fault your grandpa is dead in 6 hours and i don't care anymore. a medic is gonna show up here in 10 min and give him an i/o and he's still gonna be dead. I am once again hoping that your prayers get him where he wants to go but don't fucking blame me if you think that they don't. take that shit up with god.

god does not exist and he doesn't love you but drunk ass extended family trying to get gma up the stairs and causing So many more problems than they are solving DOES exist. and they are doing 10x more for everyone than thoughts and prayers. i do not want this soda that i now have but thank you. this soda i do not want is also the reason im still alive

wrote this at 4:20 hahah blaze it and its now 5:03 and i have soft cats in my bed so i guess i'll live. also if god existed which for the sake of the world and all that is decent i hope he does not. i'm going to physically fight god

[degrees-of-fuck]

Thinking about my OCs as DoL protags #2: Eden and Esmee Koizumi

im sorry for subjecting you to more of this but thats why read more exists i guess. I put these 2 together because. Y’know. Being deeply codependent twins, they can’t really Be separated outright. Each other coming up is kind of inevitable. Also as I mentioned before the actual Degrees of Lewdity character Eden is not going to come up here because it would be so fucking confusing to talk about that, as much as I think it would be interesting.

tw for quasi-incestuous bullshit. Like more than whatever Robin and Clara have going on. And also once again, LONG.

The twins were the minor child star children of some out of town rich folk, so when a servant arrived dropping off the two ten year olds all hush-hush and on the down low, it was... Strange. As far as the twins themselves know, this orphanage was just... Nearby. Exactly their god damn luck.

People were very curious about them at first, but on account of them both being really difficult to talk to in their own ways interest would eventually die down. Eden would likely have made constant vain attempts to make Bailey like them. Going around scolding the others for things they wouldn’t like, bringing (poorly made) coffee every morning, shit like that. Esmee on the other hand fucking hates Bailey and has made it her life mission to make their life more difficult in every way she can conceive of. She hates authority figures by default, but with how much she likely rifled through their stuff, she probably figured out exactly how bad they are pretty early on.

TF-wise, I’d say that Eden is a harpy angel and Esmee is a harpy fallen angel! They’re riddled with angelic imagery in any universe and they have simultaneously a songbird thing And a swan thing going on. So angels and birds are Key Koizumitwins Motifs that I cannot ignore.

They were both with the temple from a pretty young age. They’d probably know Sydney pretty well?? (I’ll go more into what a clusterfuck I’m picturing THAT as in a bit-) Eden would remain loyal to the temple, but Esmee - curious cat that she is would find some shady shit about them eventually. That paired with her dislike of being constrained in any way and how creepy some of the clergy members here are would lead to... Well, she wouldn’t stop showing up. She’d be too worried about Eden. But she’d stop paying attention and stop giving a shit. Minimum grace lol. She’s just sat next to Eden glaring viciously at anyone that approaches them.

I think Eden would end up in a similar boat to Robin, honestly. I can’t picture any way that Esmee would even be willing to let them pay their own rent in this hell town. She NEEDS to preserve that innocence she hates so much at all costs. So from the moment she turned 18, she was paying for two. Eden is technically the older twin and takes that seriously, so this serves as yet another instance of them failing to protect her. So they really fucking resent this arrangement, but not quite enough to change it.

Speaking of which, they probably wouldn’t talk to Robin much honestly. At the orphanage, the two would keep to themselves and not really befriend any of the other orphans. (Particularly with what an annoying little hardass Eden was as a kid lmao)

On top of them both being kind of childhood friends with Sydney, both would be drawn toward them for the same reason! Sydney reminds Eden of their idealized version of Esmee and reminds Esmee of Eden. So obviously they’d both have weird feelings for them. :) And also both would be maybe... A little too in favour of Sydney dying their hair black and maybe cutting it? A bit shorter? Maybe? Don’t look into it too much, you’ll get a headache. 😬 

Esmee finds Sydney FUCKING INFURIATING sometimes tbh. Like for the Exact reason she’s drawn to them, too. Of course she’s annoyed by them, they remind her of her sibling that she “hates.” She thinks that there’s no way they can survive in this world and is making a near constant concerted effort to corrupt them because of that. Which also? Removes a lot of the traits that remind her of Eden??? I guess it’s where she vents the part of her that wants to shatter Eden’s bubble of immaculate purity that stands in opposition to the larger part of her that wants to protect it.

Eden has a lot in common with Sydney tbh, so they can be Besties. The only reason Eden doesn’t sneak out of the orphanage to hang out with Sydney at the temple at night is that they know Esmee is out there, might see and would be seemingly unreasonably angry at them for going out alone at night (because she doesn’t want them to be jumped). Sometimes they manage to swallow their pride and ask her to go together, but not often. They’re the older twin, damn it! Why should they have to ask their little sister to protect them!? But they do want to do that, because they have really horrible insomnia. At least the two can bond over a chronic lack of sleep. They take naps together in the library <3 On the more negative side, Sydney reminds Eden of their idealized version of how Esmee used to be. Which sucks for Sydney. They may not be able to protect their actual sister, but they CAN try to protect Sydney! SO BASICALLY EDEN BECOMES A STALKER. (like twin like twin i guess) This. Might put a bit of a dampener on their friendship once Eden gets to that point,,,,,,,,,

Esmee’s actual love interest would probably be Kylar! She’s fully aware of how fucked they are, but she’s like. About equally fucked in a different direction, she thinks. If anything, she respects the Stalker Hustle lol. AND they have  really nice knife! She has lots of knives! Kylar check out her knives. These ones are throwing knives, but they’re really cute right? (Plus it’s. Nice to not be the one over-anxiously following someone around trying to keep them safe for once. And they’ll NEVER abandon her, unlike SOME people!) Although I think that actually getting involved with Kylar puts Esmee in A LOT OF DANGER! Because ESMEE FUCKS. If someone looks like they’ll make Eden worry about Esmee and need to keep close to her, she’s right into their pants. If someone looks like they’ll satisfy her self harming Thrill-seeker tendencies, she is into their pants. You get the picture. She is going to wreak absolute havoc on Kylar’s nerves, even if she Does put a stop to this if they get into a serious relationship just on account of being a massive flirt with a particular reputation. Good luck both of you : I

SO BASICALLY we have Kylar stalking Esmee who is stalking Eden (and about 12 other people) who is stalking Sydney! COOL.

In theory, Esmee would be a fun delinquent that would absolutely get in on whatever Whitney’s got going on. However. Whitney would bully Eden MERCILESSLY I imagine?? So Esmee wants Whitney in a hastily dug hole in the woods, with twenty knives in them. Sorry Whitney Likers. So I imagine that as far as Whitney’s concerned, Esmee’s in the same category as Kylar: Weird little creep that pulls knives on them in the cafeteria. She’s just slightly cooler on account of the whole Bad Girl 😎 thing.

Esmee gets around a lot, but I don’t think she’d prostitute herself. Not out of concern for her wellbeing or like Puritan Moral reasons tho. Just PURE UNADULTERATED SPITE toward Bailey for being so eager to whore her out. She mostly steals and blackmails. Well liked by Landry I’d imagine!

Avery took Esmee out on like two dates because she’s a pretty little thing that they know to be a talented musician that would make them look good, but her personality was too unbearable to them lol. After one violent encounter in a hotel room, they never went out together again as Avery moved onto Eden! Who is ALSO a pretty little thing they know to be a talented musician that would make them look good ! The key difference is that Eden is malleable. Truly, a much better companion than that sister of theirs that keeps popping their tires and phoning them in the night with threats and a voice changer. It’s a shame that they’re so, uh... Reserved, though. The furthest Avery’s managed to get them to go is nervous mouth stuff and it’s really starting to piss them off.

In terms of teachers, Eden is probably well-liked by most of them? (Though they mostly avoid Leighton.) Sirris probably likes them both on account of having been good friends with Sydney for so many years. Doren has likely noticed Esmee’s weird behaviour tho tbh. She’s told them a lot of weird shit that sure SOUNDS like she was raped, but she keeps insisting that she’s FINE, ACTUALLY. Very concerning. They keep telling her she can come to them whenever she needs to talk, but she keeps blowing them off :/ Esmee likes to swim at the lake and Mason’s is her favourite class, so she spends plenty of time annoying the shit out of them and trying to blow them off too.

As for Leighton,,,, Eden avoids them like the plague and cries a little whenever the threat of detention even comes up. Esmee often ends up taking their place, borrowing their uniform and re-styling her hair to look like them on the rare occasion they somehow get it. As for Esmee,,,, I think that while she hates Leighton, she probably features in their Home Movies and Photo Albums quite regularly. Better than Eden and in a sense, it feels kind of cathartic to her. Occasionally, Eden tries to return the favour in a moment of courage. They don’t exactly regret it? But they hate it SO SO MUCH. If they way Leighton treats them is frightening, the way Leighton treats Esmee is enough to give them a heart attack! Which is really all the more reason to take their sister’s place whenever they can do so sneakily enough that she won’t bully them into staying out of it. Thankfully, Leighton’s interest lies mostly in watching, but they still come out of every instance of this wanting to sob and throw up. Esmee can never know.

Esmee is probably on good terms with Darryl. Same feelings of frustration toward them as Sydney and Eden occasionally, but she feels a lot more guilty for those feelings in this instance. She appreciates having a place to work that doesn’t involve Briar and being whored out and breaking her Spite Pact. It’s a shame because she wants to fuck Briar. (Plus it’s like, safer or whatever. She doesn’t care about that part.) I think Esmee will tend toward defending them and then acting super aloof toward them for the rest of the night.

Every time Esmee disappears for a while under suspicious circumstances, Eden just completely retreats into themselves and refuses to leave their room <3 Or hers, more likely. Yea they probably just start sleeping there and lock themselves in.

Esmee seems like a fucked up little sewer rat treasure hunter sort to me lol. Depends on her mood at the time. This does unfortunately mean she has totally met Morgan. She.... Stayed with them for longer than she cares to admit. Being Charlene and staying with a parent that would never abandon you to the point of it being terrifying was something that held a certain appeal to her, even if it was fucking awful down there. She hates herself for it, but sometimes she goes back and gets caught on purpose. Just to pretend for a while.

Lol Eden somehow managed to win the math competition without drugs and everyone is perpetually baffled by how they pulled this off. (IT’S BECAUSE THEY DON’T FUCKING SLEEP. They were really desperate to win both that and the science fair, it was finally a way to make money that they could do! They wanted to help their sister!!!)

Both of them met Avery basically simultaneously when Esmee was trying to help Eden up a tree with her weak ass 5′2 self. Avery helped them up, but was more drawn to Esmee initially, since she’s the more charming of the two.

[dessarious]

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt81

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

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As soon as the portal closed behind them Chloe and Luka dropped their transformations. Marinette was once again piggybacking Chloe as they turned to look at Tikki and the other Kwami. She hadn't wanted to transform again because she wasn’t certain what Tikki had done and was worried the other four would disappear along with her. She couldn’t afford to have the League members find out if they were just temporary, and she had no way to ask Tikki with them all there.

“You couldn’t have given me some type of heads up or warning?” It was so strange talking to Tikki while she was in human form. It also hadn’t escaped her that all five of the Kwami were in her designs and she wasn’t sure whether she should be flattered or if Tikki had just picked the first things that had come to mind.

“I’m sorry Marinette. I’m tired of watching them treat you like that and I had to do something. I was going to discuss this with you to see if you were okay with it but I really do think you could use the extra help and they volunteered.” So not temporary then, that would require some serious thought. “As I said Plagg can destroy their bodies so if you don’t want to keep them here it’s an easy fix.”

“It’s not that.” Marinette just sighed. This was just one more complication that she really didn’t know how to deal with at this point. “They’ll need identities, papers, and I have no idea how to go about getting those. I’ll need to look for a much bigger place than I was thinking and I’m not sure I can afford that yet and be able to renovate it for wheelchair access as well. Not to mention-” She cut off as Damian shoved his phone in her face. She’d noticed him on it but assumed he was trying to calm down his family. On the screen was a huge house not too far from her current school.

“What do you think of this?” She could only blink at the screen for a moment before she grabbed the phone to get it at a better distance so she could read it properly. It wasn’t a house either, it was a freaking mansion. Twelve bedrooms, fourteen bathrooms, two kitchens for crying out loud, and that wasn’t counting the guest house, or groundskeepers house or whatever it was. It was three stories plus a basement but it did have an elevator. Then she looked at the price.

“Damian there’s no way I can afford that right now, and honestly it’s probably too big.” He was shaking his head before she’d even finished.

“You don’t need to afford it. Since I’m staying here for the foreseeable future I need a more permanent residence that lives up to the Wayne name and can house whatever family members happen to show up. If it happens that when I end up leaving Paris you like it and can afford it you can buy it from my father, but until then since you’re such a ‘good influence’ on me he thinks us staying in the same residence will be beneficial to the both of us. And don’t worry about documentation for your new friends, Alfred is already preparing everything.”

She could only stare at him. He’d said everything in such a matter of fact tone, as though her answer were a foregone conclusion. She wanted to be annoyed with him but she knew it was his way of showing support and caring. She looked back at the phone and really looked at the pictures. The front entrance didn’t have steps and there were at least two bedrooms on the first floor. Even with the elevator she’d rather not have to be dependent on it in case of repairs or power outages. It could work.

“Fine, but I’m paying for any renovations that need to be made for me. And I’m paying rent since there will be five of us living there and I have a feeling Chloe will be there more often than not.” Damian just raised an eyebrow at her.

“I can tell my father that but he won’t listen. This won’t be a drain on our resources at all and he’ll want you to save for your future. I will try to talk to him though.” That sounded about right. When you have money to just throw at a problem you don’t necessarily consider how other people will see it. Damian was tapping away on his phone again and frowning in annoyance.

“He says if it will make you feel better about it you can be the family designer and instead of rent comp the materials. Sadly enough that probably will work out about right given how many of us there are.” She blinked at that. Sure, the materials wouldn’t be cheap but the exposure she’d get from the Waynes wearing her designs exclusively would far outweigh the cost. Damian was now scowling at his phone. “He also wants to see if you’d be willing to work with our R&D department to make materials for protection that can be put into all sorts of clothing. We actually commissioned you for suits with Kevlar once and he was very impressed with both the utility and design.”

“I remember those. It was a fun challenge if a rather odd request. Granted I didn’t think it was too strange given the amount of people in the public eye that get attacked.” But could she really just let Bruce Wayne pay for her housing like this? Wouldn’t people talk? It could hurt his reputation to be housing a teenager. At best they would think he was keeping his son happy by keeping his girlfriend close, at worst… she didn’t even want to think about it.

“He also wants to circulate a story that you were attacked after you revealed yourself as the designer behind Functional Fashion and that’s how you were paralyzed. Between that and having you actually work with Wayne Enterprises it would make sense that we would be concerned about your safety enough to house you in a secure location.” But would it?

“What if my parents technically lived there as well? Maybe even in the guest house or whatever. They wouldn’t be there much because of the bakery but I think it would help with the public image if they were part of it as well.” She didn’t realize until she said it that it meant she was agreeing to this plan. Given the satisfied look on Damian’s face he realized it too.

“And we can have the Kwami make appearances as your staff. Digg would obviously be a bodyguard. Primm looks more like a customer service type or receptionist, and Jett perhaps something with design or tailoring? They don’t have to actually do anything but if the press thinks they’re living at the house because that’s your base of operations it would help. Lyccen…” He seemed at a loss for the Kwami of Anarchy. Granted they could change her look if they had to but she had a feeling Tikki had chosen their attire for a reason.

“Personal assistant. The way people view the disabled everyone will assume my having someone with me all the time to help with things is completely normal.” As much as she hated to say it, it was true. If she could afford to pay someone to help her with normal day to day tasks that were ‘harder’ in a wheelchair no one would question it. Especially since she’d only just lost the use of her legs. As much as she wanted to be independent she could see the use of having a ruse in place to make it seem like she wasn’t. “But how do you plan to get around the fact that there was no police report? Or hospital stay for that matter?” It was a problem she’d been trying to figure out herself. How was she just supposed to show back up paralyzed when she had absolutely no explanation or proof for what happened.

“My father invited you to Gotham to talk about this collaboration and you were attacked there. We are very private and prefer to deal with things in house so it won’t be hard for him to convince the Commissioner to make a report after the fact. We can falsify medical and travel records easily enough.” It was amazing how much morally gray area there was when all you’re doing is trying to save the world.

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[dent-de-leon]

what did you think abt the new chapter, im so soft and so sad

I LOVED IT!! I’d say it’s easily one of my favorites!!! Even though,, yes,, it really did hurt ;; Noe’s willingness to sacrifice his own arm really did strike me as a nod to Gilbert, and I’m so torn up over it. To be honest,, when I saw this, a part of me wondered if vampires could regenerate limbs, just because I couldn’t quite believe it. It’s an incredibly serious wound for a major character to get, especially this early on in the series.

I’m actually really worried what the recovery process for this will be--since he’s been so badly hurt, will he need to start drinking more blood? How long will he need to take to heal? Will he receive a prosthetic, or would he prefer to not have one? I hope we get to see time spent on him adjusting to his disability and his feelings on it, because I think that’s important.

And I’m still not over how Vanitas was being so soft and tender when he was encouraging Noe just a few panels before. He told Noe what he needed to hear, and that’s what made him really able to commit to it. As he says, if he wasn’t willing to charge ahead like that and lose the arm, he would’ve died. He made a hell of a gamble, and did so because he trusted both himself and Vanitas. But damn if it didn’t come at a cost ;; 

ALSO,, Astolfo, ASTOLFO!! I literally always gush about Vanitas and Noe and Domi but I don’t think I’ve ever really mentioned how I’m just Attached to this angry boy...we’ve seen glimpses of his backstory before, but nothing was ever as impactful as this. It was like a punch in the gut. As a child, Astolfo is defined as being “too kind,” and he ends up paying a heavy price for it. I think it’s also very interesting that Noe clearly empathizes and doesn’t want to fight someone like him. In previous chapters, we’ve even seen him outright pause mid battle to sincerely ask Astolfo why he hates vampires so much. 

Noe really does believe in understanding--in unity between humans and vampires. So it’s really different to see Vanitas explaining to him that everyone has their own conflicting beliefs and ideals. You’ll always be good in someone’s eyes and bad in someone else’s. Noe can’t change what Astolfo thinks, how he feels about vampires, what he’s seen and experienced--he can only fight for his own ideals, and try to protect the people he cares about. Narratively, I think it’s a really different approach to something like this, but I like it. 

I hope Astolfo is able to kind of hang in there and hopefully get some fulfilling character development in the future. He might not be right, but damn if I don’t feel for him. I hope he’s eventually able to find some sort of peace and support system--and also get the hell off whatever drugs the church is pumping them full of because holy shit?? Obviously Astolfo overdosed, which is why things broke so bad, but still...I have a hard time believing that whatever they’re being given is Good for them and I’m pretty worried about Roland and the others honestly...

And again, as sad as this chapter was, it really did have the most heartwarming and beautiful ending!! Chloe’s friends reaching out to her--and her finally reaching back!! The way they all fall together and land in a happy little cuddly pile very reminiscent of that one chapter with Noe and Vanitas in the lab. The fact that Chloe outright chooses life even though Vanitas explicitly tells her how hard that will be, how even after all this time she still trusts Jeane,, Chloe overcoming everything on her own with the support of her loved ones...the fact that all she’s ever wanted was to be loved and she finally gets that,, she’s saved by that!! Vanitas no carte is certainly heartbreaking and tragic, but it’s also incredibly heartwarming in this bittersweet kind of way. 

Even the flower petals falling like snow, the sky looking like it’s lit with stars--it’s all so very beautiful and comforting. I wasn’t sure that Chloe was really going to make it out of this one-or Jacques for that matter--and I’m super relieved to see them all happy and together :’)) It made me want to cry, but in the way where you could have this good, happy, cathartic cry,, very poignant and heart wrenching,,

[legacyofabsolutewalnuts]

@swtorpadawan tagged me in this meme, and I am hella into it. This is my favourite musing bc swtor in the canon of star wars is fucking hilarious. On a side note, for anyone who does this and chose only one oc, but has thoughts about the others oh my god do and let me know. Im a snoopy bish give them all to me. In this case I’m going to try to keep it brief while covering my main four, Viticalia, Thomsyn, Belville and Montym. Partly bc I’ve been thinking about their dynamics for a joint Alliance Commander AU lately

This got really long, bc I couldn’t choose one, and Im a wordy bish, so I’ve put the actual answers under the cut, so as not to kill everyones dashes

What would your OC do if they were thrown through time and into Star Wars the Clone Wars:

1. Who would they fight for?

I think most of them would either end up going independent or siding with the Republic. Montym and Belville would actually be the most likely to commit to the Republic, they’re both two people who value loyalty and understand that sometimes things need to be changed from the inside out. Thomsyn I think would stay with the Republic, but may end up with the Grey Jedi. She isn’t inclined to this whole “just peacekeepers” deal and would want to take the fight to the Sith directly. Viticalia would be an independent, committing to neither except for who would pay her most, or just destroy the CIS and take her place at the top of it. She would not be willing to submit to being ordered around by Dooku, or lord forbid Grevious or Ventress, and she definitely wouldn’t appreciate Sidious being unwilling to step up on the frontline with his troops.

2. If not a force user, would they keep their job (Would a trooper still work for this new Republic and would an Agent be loyal to the Separatists?)?

Bel would probably make a play to join the SIS. And then immediately question how the SIS went from agents like Theron to seemingly having the capabilities of two people and paperclip. I’m just saying how did no one put any of the diddly dang dots together. He’d be the type to pull off an op and then basically drop it at the Jedi’s feet like “here, give me a job.” I’ll get into why he would go to the republic in a bit.

3. Who would they hate?

Vits would despise Dooku and Sidious. She would like Ventress but find her training considerably lacking. She understand some cunning, undercover work, and what it can do, that’s why she and Bel get along, but the lack of commitment to stand beside your men and fight with them is something she despises.

Thomsyn would have some problems with the way the Jedi, but she and Montym would both have a much bigger problem with Senate oversight. They’re both used to working with politicians, but the inability to work without that oversight would bother them. Neither of them think the Jedi are infallible, but they both have a big problem with the idea of needing politicians to greenlight things like humanitarian missions. 

Bel would have a huge problem with the Jedi that he keeps under lock and key. Part of it would be due to Kothe. The other part is...well he’s seen what happens when Sith lead, he doesn’t really think the Jedi should be given military power for their ability with the Force either. 

4. Who would they get along well with?

Bel would actually get along really well with GAR Specforces. I think he’d adjust pretty easily to them, and people like Skirata and Vau would be comfortingly familiar as Bel actually got along really well with Shae and Torian. And he would very much enjoy the troopers, he understands their mindset, and especially with the Commandos, they understand the importance of intel people like Bel are meant to provide. He’d also be all in to spar with the ARC’s, and hone his skills against theirs.

Montym would have had a romantic crush on Obi-Wan within five seconds of the man dramatically dropping his cape and that’s really all there is to it. He would also get along well with Senator Organa.

Like I said earlier, I think Vits would have liked Ventress, and probably tried to poach her as an apprentice in a damn second. Thomsyn I’m not really sure who she’d get along with best.

5. What would they think of the Jedi Order?

Viticalia has, and always will be fascinated by the Jedi in that sort of detached, research-esque way. Otherwise she doesn’t care about them much, although she does find it a bit amusing to watch some of them tout the ideals of the Republic as things go down hill. She at least never had any misconceptions about the Empire. Thomsyn and Montym sort of understand how the Jedi could have come under such heavy control of the Senate. They both would have hoped for better, but aren’t that surprised, not after Saresh.

Bel could not care less about the Jedi. Likes them well enough individually for the most part, but that’s his approach to any and all force users really.

6. What would they think of the “rule of 2” Sith?

Viticalia thinks its the stupidest thing ever. Probably starts taking on as many slightly sensitive people as she can and calls them her Apprentices just to piss off these new “Sith”. Really she’s just adopting herself a bunch of children, but it counts and that’s all she cares about.

7. What would they think of having a clone and droid army fighting instead of typical soldiers?

Bel understands what its like to be treated as less than a person. As an asset only. It’s still something he does to himself, thinking about himself as only an asset or a liability, which is a mindset Theron’s working on having him get rid of. So he would sympathize pretty heavily, which is part of why he’d go to the Republic. He’s turned the tide of a war and saved countless of his coworkers in the military before, he would try it again.

Viticalia and Thomsyn would have more practical issues with the idea a droid army. They aren’t creative, they can’t interpret, and they aren’t built for every situation. Thomsyn however would have a lot of problems on the legality of clones, whereas Vits is used to slavery and is prone to forgetting about how that works.

Montym thinks the whole idea on either side is terrible, for various reasons, but cannot stand that clones are not legal citizens but the Republic uses them anyhow.

8. If Republic - if they became a general in the army what would their relationship with their clones be like?

I think Montym would accept a position as a General, Thomsyn...maybe for a while. Montym is a little better with handling the cost of war, whereas Thomsyn counts on herself to keep everyone around her alive. I think they’d both be on good terms with their troopers, Montym would take a bit longer, he’s quiet and a bit...odd, but when he likes people he makes it clear. Thomsyn would get close to them quickly, and each death would hit her pretty hard.

9. If Imperial - what would they think of the complete lack of sith and excess of droids in the Separatist army?

Viticalia has soooo many problems about tradition with the way the Sith operate, but in particular thinks the CIS is...stupid. The idea of a civil war is fine, sure, but their execution is lacking. Bel thinks they’re stupid but also finds it very funny. Terrible tactics, questionable leadership, not a good spy in sight... but he also thinks the way the Republic has alienated so many of their own...well he’s seen it before with Imperial worlds, and after Saresh it isn’t surprising. He’s largely disillusioned and just wishes someone would learn from their mistakes already. Part of what would push him to join the Republic in this case would be that he values peoples lives a lot more than droids, and he hasn’t valued the Sith as leaders in a long time, so he has no reason to go to the CIS and as far as he’s concerned, Republics got the better chance. 

10. Consider they were born in this era - where would they fit in Clone Wars canon?

This I’ve actually thought about this a bit. Thomsyn and Montym would be still pretty much the same, Jedi, although Thomsyn would not have joined the Grey Jedi in that AU as she would be more accustomed to what this Republic is like. Viticalia I would go with a Jedi who leaves the order eventually, simply because it would be really fun to explore a much more light-sided Vits. Bel’s a bit more difficult to place, in a society that doesn’t put as much importance on genetics and perfection, he would have the chance to do whatever he liked, which he didn’t in the Empire. In an au that follows his canon life a little better, he would probably join the SIS, but more likely as an anaylst or undercover agent, not as a sniper and agent. 

Honestly time travel and born in that era, they’re def aus I’ve thought about writing

[thespidercorgi]

Be careful out there kiddos

So bit of a long story but I think its funny. There's a scam going around. Ive seen it once but its its highly likely there are more. Basically a person asks you if you would like a sugar momma. Mine offered 300-500$ a week. I was obviously suspicious. But im very broke and still out of a job so I figured what the hell, couldnt hurt to look into it.

I started by going to the person's tumblr. It seemed super legit, like they even had resonable responses to reblogs. So either its a well put together scam, or it just a lonley ass person. I used a fake number to text the number they provided.

They said their name was Hannah Lenmont age 49 from San Francisco. They were suposedly devorced with no kids, and an investment analyst who just wanted someone to spoil and talk to, nothing sexual. I was like yeah sure okay. I gave my age and state i lived in plus some hobbies, normal stuff it was whatever. I've told more to strangers on discord tbh.

We got to talking and she was super sweet, called me sweet nicknames, told me about how she was going to spoil me how she wanted to take me traveling, it all seemed like a lot of work for a scam, but of ccourse i was still suspicious of the whole thing.

Here's where it gets fun. They asked what the nearest convenience store was. Odd request but okay. They knew i didnt have a car so they asked me to walk there and buy a steam gift card. And they would give me more to cover the cost when they paid me tonight (They called it an investment card at first idk) i was like I have 3 dollars to my name. I thought this was done, they'd realize I'm broke as shit and be done. Nope! They assured me they would just give me the money I needed to buy it. They would transfer it to my account and it'd be there tomorrow morning. I was like cool I'll buy it tomorrow then right?

I was a tad confused at this point, like it was obviously a scam, but what could they obtain from a paypal or routing number. Then the kicker.

What does that even mean honestly, anyway this is how they wanted to "send" the money

Ah I see, of course. So i drew this out as long as possible saying i couldn't set up the app because my phone was shitty, and the online banking didnt work either. I again suggested PayPal but just for the first payment. But apparently thier acount manager restricted 3rd party apps because thier last sugar bady stole 890$ via pay pal. I still wanted to scam them a little so i suggested a visa gift card.

Now this wasnt the first time they'd mentioned Germany but i was far more suspicious now. I said i was willing to wait until they were back in the states to get them on a new topic so i could play my trap card. I asked if they wanted to see some art i made. I'm not sure if you know this but it's super easy get an ip adress and location of someone if you can get them to click a link. Does the link look sketchy as hell? Absolutely, but many people don't pay much attention to image links.

And then they clicked it. I was so damn excited man. Turns out Germany is in Lagos Nigeria, who knew?

TL:DR: My tumblr sugar momma was actually a Nigerian prince, and it is so easy to get someone's ip adress.

[sylveradrake]

Pixel art commissions are open!

Active Slots:

[ ayealiskomori: four 200px dolls (sketched) ]

[ charlieltweets: one 150px doll (sketched) ]

[ cupiddissolvi: two 250 pixel dolls ]

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Reserved Slots:

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Frequently Asked Questions (Please Read!):

    [ ? ] Are these all the options you have for commissions?     [ A ] These are primarily just examples of things I've done consistently in the past! If you have a more 'custom' idea, we can certainly discuss it! I've been doing pixel art for over four years, so I have some decent experience, but like every artist I have limits to my current abilities. You can see both my Tumblr and DeviantArt galleries for more examples, including the options for the line styles, animations, and shading!     [ ? ] What ARE all those options under the examples?     [ A ] Hard lines means the piece will have "hard", solid black lines between each "section" of the piece: the outline, and between all the different colors, etc. Lineless means that rather than having that solid black line, I use a slightly darker shade of each color to outline them, like the full body dragon! This gives it a softer, 'lineless' look.     Cell shading means that there's just one color used to shade, rather than a blend. The Kakashi doll on the far left has cell shading: just one color in a hard shape. Smooth shading means what it sounds like: a few colors are blended from dark to light to make the shadows smoother!     I do a few very basic animations for certain dolls or icons when requested. Typically this refers to a one-pixel "bob", and a blink cycle. I can also have a doll open its mouth and bring up a small speech bubble if you'd like them to say something! Please bear in mind that animation takes additional time and effort, and though not required, additional support is appreciated for animated pieces!     [ ? ] Why are there things you refuse to draw?     [ A ] For the most part, it's simply a matter of preference. For others, it's a matter of ability. Some things are just a bit too complex for me to feel I can pull it off in a fashion consistent with the rest of my work, and therefore being worth your money! Hence a limit on complex poses and the number of characters per shot, or complex designs, like mecha. Other things like the ship limitations are just personal preferences that make me uncomfortable. The NSFW ban is mostly due to most hosting sites not liking to host mature artwork...and also a matter of both my ability, and personal preference.     [ ? ] What constitutes NSFW?     [ A ] For me, this includes any nudity that shows genitals - nipples and / or breasts are fine. This also includes anything sexual, including any and all fetishes, even if genitals are not shown. I also do not do heavy gore. I may expand this umbrella term if anything not already covered comes up!     [ ? ] I can't afford a commission, but I'd like to help! What can I do?     [ A ] You can share this comm sheet and / or my art with your friends! Getting the word out might mean finding someone able and willing to order a comm, which of course is a big help!     [ ? ] Do you do requests?     [ A ] Unfortunately, not at the moment. If you'd like me to draw something for you and the comms are open, you're more than welcome to order something! While I do do personal art for myself and for friends, I can't make free art for everyone. In the future I may do something akin to raffles, but for now, we're starting with the commissions!     [ ? ] Can I donate without ordering a commission?     [ A ] You most certainly can, and it's very much appreciated, and would be a huge help! Of course it is NOT an expectation: no one has to donate if they can't or don't want to. But if you just want to throw some general support in to help me keep creating, you're more than welcome, and I'd appreciate it tremendously     [ ? ] Do you accept DeviantArt points?     [ A ] I do not. To put it bluntly, DA points can't pay my bills. I have nothing I need that DA points can buy, so I only work with money. Sorry!     [ ? ] Do you do anything like art trades?     [ A ] For the moment, no - but I might in the future! I'm open to the possibility, but for now (and for this post's purpose), I'm working on commissions! If I ever open up art trades, I'll be sure to make another about it!     [ ? ] How is best to contact you?     [ A ] Any of the above listed social media! Here on DA, please send a note with a subject line about commissions. On Tumblr, you can send an ask (off anon) which I will reply to privately. You can also send an IM! Email also works: just include commissions in the subject line. I do my best to check all of these sites a few times a day, but there may be times where I'm limited. I'll try to post ahead of time so you know why I'm not responding promptly! Otherwise, it could take me about a day to get back to you. Please be patient! I have other responsibilities. I may also take hiatuses if I feel the need. If I go more than a few days without responding and haven't given any warning, there's probably something keeping me from my messages, and I'll do my best to get back to you as soon as I'm able!     [ ? ] What's your policy on refunds?     [ A ] So long as I haven't finished flat coloring your piece, you can get a full refund, of course! But once the piece is lined AND colored, I've put in a good bit of work, so I'm afraid I won't be able to refund you. As stated on the sheet, you can ask for an update on the piece any time! And I will send you the cleaned sketch once it's finished to see if there's anything you'd like changed. Though please bear in mind some things can differ between sketching and lining, especially when shrinking down to pixel. A sketch is a general outline, not the full product!     [ ? ] Are there any other circumstances where you might refuse a commission?     [ A ] Honestly it depends. I hope not to encounter any other reasons beyond my general rules, but I DO retain the right to say no to any commission for any reason, which I don't have to disclose. If I do say no, please respect that decision. It's never anything personal.     [ ? ] Where does the art go once it's finished?     [ A ] Any commissioned art, by default, will be posted to my DeviantArt, my Tumblr, and on Ko-fi! I'll also send you a copy / link through whatever means you contacted me with. If you'd like your art to be private, you need only ask. I will then only send YOU the art, and it will NOT be posted anywhere else. I can also post the art anonymously if you’d like it posted, but your name not attached to it.     [ ? ] How can I use my commission(s)?     [ A ] Any way you like UNLESS it's commercial - in other words, if you make any money using the artwork. Please also do not trade or sell the artwork. Otherwise, feel free to use it for any personal use you'd like! You can also repost the art so long as you provide a link to my original post. If your comm wasn't publicly posted, a link back to any of my social media will suffice! Just always be sure to use proper credit so people know where the art came from! That way they can find my pages, and maybe get a commission of their own!     [ ? ] Do you do fanart?     [ A ] I do! My commissions are all one-off, unique jobs, and I'm hardly about to impact any IP markets. So long as it's a large fandom (no Disney, though - that's one I won't touch), and my art wouldn't greatly impact the profits and livelihood of other creators, I can do fanart. But I DO prefer to do original art! It's great to work with new designs, and help give original characters more art for them! Gimme OCs to draw!     [ ? ] Can you design a character for me, like a custom adoptable?     [ A ] I can! Just bear in mind that I'll need as many details as possible to make something that fits your vision! I'll also need to work with you more than typical to be sure we get it as accurate as possible, so be prepared for a lot of communication until we get it looking as you want!     [ ? ] Can you do gifts - in other words, can I order art for another person?     [ A ] I do, and you certainly can! Just be sure to let me know who the gift is for, so I can tag them! If they don't have any of the social media I use, you can just give me a name or screen name to post with it. A gift will just cost you the same as any art you'd order for yourself! Also please do be sure you have permission to commission art of characters owned by another person!     [ ? ] What do you mean by 'item'?     [ A ] Each individual pixel piece! One lone pixel doll of 150 pixels would be four dollars! But if you want two dolls interacting, it's four dollars EACH. So eight dollars. That's because I still have to sketch, ink, color, shade, and possibly animate EACH doll! Twice the effort means twice the price.

[comicteaparty]

April 15th-April 21st, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from April 15th, 2020 to April 21st, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

If all webcomics everywhere suddenly costed money to read, how much would you be willing to pay to read them?

carcarchu

i've currently spent about 10 dollars reading paid webcomics and got about 60 chapters with that much. i'll be buying more webcomics in the future but if it's too pricy i'll be less inclined to buy

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I buy the print volumes of my favourite webcomics, which is about £10-15 for around 100-200 pages? Depends on the comic. But I do get a book to leaf through, so dunno if that counts.

carcarchu

as an added note the app i use to buy webcomics has an interesting feature where u can purchase "food" to donate to the author directly without / in addition to buying the chapters themsevles(edited)

oh now that chalcara mentioned it i also buy the physical copies of webcomics as well and i've probably spent close to 100ish on that

also also that same app gives u daily login coins and u can also watch up to 5 video ads per day to gain extra coins which u can use to buy more chapters or donate directly to the author

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I DID try a monthly subscription to a rather specific comic content webpage, but I don‘t like that comittment. Vastly prefer buy-once-keep-something-forever; even if it‘s just pdf.

Yeah, have bought pdf‘s of comics before because of shipping expenses.

So yeah, buy once, get something, yay! Subscription, boo.

carcarchu

i had to buy a monthly subscription thing for a webcomic once too but it was a completed comic and the app has a download button so i just downloaded all the chapters of it all at once. i could see the monthly payment being annoying if u had to keep paying it in perpetuity though

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i've paid for comics before

I'd probably pay to keep reading the comics I love

but I'd be reluctant to invest money to read a new comic i don't know is good or not

i'd need a good friend, person I follow, or well written review's recomendation first(edited)

Feather J. Fern

I will buy physical copies most of the time. I do like having the print in my hands. If it was like a site sub though, like you can put your comics on a site and everyone gets paid a share, then I wouldn't mind because you get options.

But if it is just one comic though, I would be worried,

For example, if people were paid to upload onto Webtoons, but you have to pay like 5 dollars for reading for 1 month, I wouldn't mind because I still can choose what to read

But if for example, my comic is five dollars to read monthly by itself, I don't htink people want it

Especially new readers

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah i think that I wouldnt want to have to spend money to try a comic. Im really very picky and I wouldnt want to risk basically just losing money because I dont like a comic. To continue reading the ones I like I think I'd spend money, but honestly I'd probably only do that once they're complete, too. A monthly payment/subscription for a service with many comics, though, I could see myself paying for

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Depends. I’m fine with paying it at once to read it in one go, but not necessarily per month

Also would pay if I got to see a preview first

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

As a reader, I also prefer to know what the comic is about first, before committing to pay to read it, like going in blind. I prefer the subscription option to read any comic but not per comic chapter. I like to support the authors if the story appeals to me or purchase their ebooks(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I would likely pay to keep reading the ones I'm already into. But I would be very reluctant to check out new ones if I had to pay to even check them out. The first few pages aren't enough in most cases. I also wouldn't be averse to the subscription idea, assuming the platform isn't like, catering to a genre that I'm not interested in. Physical volumes actually don't interest me in most cases. Storage is a huuuuuge issue for me.

DanitheCarutor

Depends on digital vs. physical, the amount of content and quality. Usually I prefer a physical copy since I like collecting indie comics and am willing to pay 10USD - 30USD, I'll even pay high price for hardcover collector editions if I really, really like the creator's work. Like, I actually have a section of my bookshelf dedicated to printed webcomics, which isn't very full yet but I plan on practically overcumbering it someday. Digital copies and subscriptions, I'm oddly a little more stingy about. I tend to forget about stuff like that very easily, so to save myself from wasting money I would have to be almost a mindless fanatic about the webcomic to buy it digitally or keep up with a weekly/monthly pay subscription. As far as price, if it's a subscription I can't afford a whole lot since I'll probably be trying to take on multiple comics, a digital copy I may pay around the same amount as with a physical book.

I'm not too picky about what I would buy, if it looks really good or interesting I'll maybe subscribe to give it a look through, or buy a chapter/volume if I can afford it. Worst that would happen is I didn't like it after all but supported an indie creator trying to get their work off the ground. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I actually have in fact read many pay-to-read webcomics, and my experience has been somewhere in the middle. I think the most important thing is that the webcomic in question has the first few chapters as free-to-read so that new readers can get a feel for the story, because I wouldn't pay for something I didn't know I would like. The other things is for comics to be affordable. I'm not very wealthy, so the price of a comic chapter needs to be pretty cheap for me to invest. $1 per chapter is the absolute highest limit, and the chapter has to be at least 10+ pages. I'm way more willing to spend more money on print comics because it is something physical that I can put on my shelf, and because I know printing costs can be expensive.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

No way I'd pay to read a comic without having at least the first chapter free. Even if people are recommending it to me, I still want to see it for myself first. But even then... I don't know if I would spend money on an online subscription - I'd probably wait to see what people are saying about it, save my money, and shell out a bit extra for a print edition (if that's in the cards for the comic). If a comic is free online, I feel even more like supporting it with a physical purchase. If a webcomic is locked behind a paywall... I get it, but it certainly discourages me as a reader.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Same here really. I much prefer giving money to a Patreon or buying merch for something I love than pay to take a chance on something I might not like

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I agree. I don't mind subscription if it's someone's work I enjoyed but I'm more inclined to buy physical copies or get my own digital pdf of the same thing tbh

Feather J. Fern

I wouldn't mind an idea of like, you get 1 page free a month (Slow I know) but you can buy the full thing now as an Ebook or something. That system would help the author get money (for people who want to support and love their comic from the slow post rate) and great for people who can't afford comic, and read them free at the library becuase they can't even afford computers at home.

I like the print comics too for libraries, gives comics more free access

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ah imagine if we could check out print webcomics at the library now

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

there is a few libaries that are doin that

Feather J. Fern

Yes! Actually, a few librarians went to Vancaf as long as it has an ISBN it makes it easier (Well we hope there is a copy catalogue somewhere lol) And I know in the US there are a lot more librarians grabbing comics for their shelves

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yesss which makes it super good

makes me wish I could go to my local libary but like everything else here, it's currently closed orz

Feather J. Fern

Hell, from a podcast I know there is a large interest in comics for libraries, and I know recently they are using comics to try to bring more literacy to people who don't want to read.

This might be off topic I will move it somewhere else

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Maybe when I get mine printed I'll go see if the local library would like a few

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

that is why I'm going to be a teacher. Get more people use comics for education lol

GuildmasterPhill

The tricky thing would be finding new comics to get into... how would you get exposed to them? And there are so many, how would you know which ones are worth whatever pricetag goes with them? It would certainly change the whole landscape of webcomics, to be sure.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

It would probably increase the demand for webcomic reviews.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

yeah

And again, the first few chapters being available as a sample would be really important.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Put in requests for webcomic print collections at your local library! They probably won't get bought during the lockdown, but at least your interest will be on record when the librarians get back.

Mine stocks some, although it's skewed toward really well-known ones -- Homestuck, Digger, Nimona, Cucumber Quest, Skin Horse, Penny Arcade, Gunnerkrigg Court (there's more, I just can't remember them off the top of my head).(edited)

Capitania do Azar

If I have to pay before I can know if I'll like the contents? I'd probably pass, unless there was some other big incentive for me to read it (like a friend's recommendation). Paywalls can be a big turnoff if you don't know what you're paying for, that's what I'm saying. However, if there were previews or free chapters, and then I had to pay to read the rest? I'd probably invest those €€€.

kayotics

I read Stand Still Stay Silent at the library, actually. That’s how I managed to actually get into it, I felt like it was a better experience. As for paying: I will sometimes buy a physical book of a comic I want to read but haven’t yet, just because reading on paper is easier on my eyes. So, sometimes I’ll pay money if I’m really interested in it. But it usually takes me a while to get to that point. If every webcomic went to a paid platform, I’d probably be less likely to read Webcomics.

Feather J. Fern

A thought occurred to me, if all webcomics are paid to read, how would the newbies, or highschoolers, get an audience at all if no one would buy to read their comic?

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The under 18 creators does pose an interesting question -- are they allowed to make money at all? Would they have to get their parents to sign a thing for them?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I believe so

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

As for small creators with no existing fans, I imagine they'd have to rely on subscription platforms where readers don't have to pay for their comic specifically.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Yeah, or just make no money like now

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

well, it would just also mean no readers because in this world, there isn't even an option to make no money in this world, the webcomic emperor has decreed that all webcomics must cost money to read, and you shall be thrown into The Pit if you make yours free

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Exactly

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

actually i guess you could kinda get around it by making your comic cost a penny

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

But yeah, you'd also not have readers and be unable to build a following

Basically the barrier to entry shifts and becomes more like traditional print publishing

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Slightly different from trad publishing since anybody CAN still post up their comic -- even if no one would read it X'D

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

TRUE

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

actually you know what it would kinda be like? steam like basically any game devs from the smallest indie devs to the massive corporations publish their PC games through steam. and to my knowledge, all games on steam cost at least some money so indie creators' only option to get eyes on their comic would be the same as indie devs getting eyes on their game. find someone popular willing to review it, and hope for some word of mouth.

Feather J. Fern

Odd take, hold a seminar or not really that but a group gathering where people pay like, 2 dollars, because money still needs to happen, so a bunch of newbie comic artists and pitch their first chapter or something

Oh wait I know what my brain was thinking

like comixlogy

If you can have like a section like "New comics starting out, you can read the whole first chapter for just 0.99" then I might scroll through and be like "You know what, I wouldn't mind some entertaiment"

I think also defintely reviews are really important with this situation

If someoene was like "This art is good, plot is good, grammar is good" I woudl be like "Yeah I would read the first three chapters"(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Steam sounds about accurate

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I definitely think that in this case, good reviews would be like gold

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Even Print comics do freebies to rustle up new audience. And steam has a pretty lenient „don‘t like this game? Get your money back“ policy.

RebelVampire

For me the answer here depends on a lot of factors. If it's a one time "bulk" purchase, I'd probably go from $5-$10 depending on amount of pages, time to read, and just overall quality. I'd of course have to be interested as well, but that's an aside point for me in terms of what I'd be willing to pay. Anything past $10 is just kind of too rich for my blood sort of thing, unless it's like a super volume or something. As a subscription, this would heavily depend on the service. How are they curating content? Do they add more content regularly? How much content do they have? How are they innovating to improve my experience as a reader and to be able to find content? How is the industry as a whole? Are there a few competitors making it an affordable option, or is it becoming like tv cable because everyone wants their slice of the pie? With this many questions, it's hard to put a price on a subscription service. Definitely no more than I pay for Hulu or Netflix. But honestly, with the state of the industry right now, I don't think the price would be justified if they made it even like $10/month. Cause as it stands none of the hosts really do anything to improve my experience as a reader and only make things harder for everyone.

Feather J. Fern

This topic makes me love webcomics more, people are giving it to us for free, and It is amazing the internet can give someone an outlet to do so. Thank you internet

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

If you can have like a section like "New comics starting out, you can read the whole first chapter for just 0.99" then I might scroll through and be like "You know what, I wouldn't mind some entertaiment"

@Feather J. Fern dang I would sign up so fast if there was a good subscription service like this. And same time it helps give something back to New creators!

Feather J. Fern

To be honest, if I had the money, and the power, and the programing skills I would. I would love to support creators like this. Becuase it also gives people confidence too.

[mugmyremarsh]

I am hoping for Feral that they actually balance out the membership and F2P system. Animal Jam decreasingly got worse with membership after 2015 (new animals, clothing and don’t get me started with adventures). There are numerous examples of games that offer a lot of F2P offers and still get a good amount of money (because their fanbase is willing to spend). Just hope they are aware that us teenagers/adults don’t have the money to keep buying memberships like our dear parents did.

YEAH. animal jam at thiz point is rly hard 2 play if ur nm like not jus bcos of the lack of things to do and how much is members only but also bcos ppl kinda treat nms differently? i feel like if u see a nm ppl will automatically assume oh theyre unrare simply bcos they cant wear whatever they have. like i do think that trading is a big part of animal jam!! like there are just so many things that could be changed to accommodate nms on animal jam imo.. 1 for the lov ov GOD make some items nm?? there r, so many member items. i think nm should be the majority in terms of items!! 2 theyve done this before but make a pre existing member animal available for nms like even if its an unpopular 1 ppl will kinda lose their shit i think?? 3. make things like the jammer wall, masterpieces (keep mp tokens still jus as an alt currency) n etc nm!! there is literally no reason why a nm should have 2 use an mp 2 make an mp. like....... -_- also i think giving them the jammer wall would kinda revive it even jus for a bit.. also i couldve sworn that when th jammer wall released it ws supposed 2 eventually open up 2 every1??

also like on th topic of things aj could do to improve the game uhmm. improve the way u select items (in trades) 4 THE love of god. i swear if u hav a laggy computer it takes like a fuckin hour 2 even attempt a 20 item trade, like bro jus let me select multiple items at once?? and also smth i thought abt b4 is jus an option 2 quickly throw ur trade list in2 an offer and i think w th discontinuation of some dens... maybe den trading would b fun just the dens not the items inside it :'3 i dont rly like how big tje dens have been, theyre a pain in the ass to decorate n i typically jus give up tbh!!

but uhh let me get back on track (autistic ppl will b liek. *infodumps*) honestly if feral doesnt get the ratio right ill b a litl sad honestly..... maybe a 1 time payment thing could be fine bcos new players would be joining a lot i imagine n my main problem w the aj memberships is that its subscription based (not a fan ngl!!) like bro an animal jam membership costs like the same/more than nintendo switch online LOL... idk if th subscription thing is actually bad or if i just dont think 1 year is a lot in the context of animal jam since ive been playing for 5 years. i dont think feral would do a 1 time payment thing bcos i dunno maybe they dont think itll be a stable source of income? well i present 2 u. real money donations to wild works somewhere on their website. wikipedia, ao3 n im sure tons of others r donation based websites !! with enough ppl it can work out i think. if u donate i think u should get smth but i dont think that something should be tradeable honestly. pitting items u pay 4 and 1s u dont against eachother ppl will see the value in getting a paid for item without paying. dont remember what its called in animal jam but like the blue sword + its set thing u hav 2 pay a lot of money 2 get that is probably th no1 thing they should avoid creating in feral not gonna lie !!! i think at least when the game is officially released itll be ok n then maybe get worse over a time like animal jam.. dunno jfjxjdmk

so in conclusion feral please do not fuck up :'D

[fpt8zwx5-blog]

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SOURCES:

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[leclrcsunshine]

So... Today’s headlines... Yeah they don’t look too good.

First I want to start off with Rose, it’s absolutely gut wrenching to see not only such an amazing player but also human being who doesn’t deserve this shit, have to retire from a job which he should love and want to do. it’s heartbreaking and it’s not about football politics like who will fulfill his position or who will be transferred and called up for him. This is about the morals of so-called “supporters” of other teams. If you have nothing nice to say. don’t say it at all. you guys think that because you support our local economy by buying tickets, and a few pints you are a tough lad and you can do and say whatever you want. well guess what, you know who pays for the seats your sorry backsides sit in? or the fees for vendors and service costs at the matches? you do. you still pay for all the services that you say you come to “enjoy” but you embarrass yourself and your family name by making a complete mug out of yourself. i’m tired of this. it’s 2019 and it’s happening day after day, year after year. We say that it should stop, but i honestly don’t think it ever will. I’m so happy that there are people like Poch and Kane who are willing to actually do something about it. Money doesn’t matter, every team can continuously get fined. it’s politics. it’s corrupt.

But actually walking off the pitch and talking action, That’s geninuely the saddest but most effective resort that our teams can use unfortunately. Anyway, i love danny rose and i hope he doesn’t actually retire. that’s it.

As for Toby and Christian, I don’t think anyone is talking about Toby because, although i love him, i don’t think he’s done anything super noteworthy for the Spurs. We know he’s leaving and there’s nothing we can do because his contract is set to expire and he’s going to leave, he can only hope he goes to a good club that will put him out starting as much Poch has. As for Christian, everyone (including me) wants him to stay, but i unfortunately think that he faces the same fate. His worth is tremendous and with his assist and goal stats, he’s a target for many clubs to bid on. I don’t think we’ve received any news because he is probably going to be transferred unless a decision is called last second. everyone dragged Poch for not buying any players and then there was the transfer window controversy, so i definitely think he knows he needs to sacrifice someone. Unfortunately it may be Eriksen.

Also the emotional support professional at the stadium opener is absolutely 100% a spurs fan thing. like i could never imagine any other fans being as emotional as we are since we’ve lost all of our previous matches. God bless Son and Eriksen for being angels. But the fact that this is real shows you how important ranking status in the premier league is.

Anyway im ending my rant here. God bless our 2-0 win, this may be my last post for the night. i wrote a lot and i’m still super emotional after the past week from all of the controversy, but also all the success we’ve had.

[acuppellarp]

We’re excited to announce that Leigh has decided to level up Lola Alvarez from a mumu minor character to a main character! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours. 

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Leigh, she/her Age: 26 Timezone: EST Ships: Lola/Chemistry Anti-Ships: Lola/No Chemistry

IC INFO

Full Name: Louisa Cristina “Lola” Alvarez Face Claim: Lauren Jauregui Age/Birthday: April 11th (Aries mood), 24 Occupation: Model/make-up artist/burlesque dancer/photographer Personality: enigmatic, magnetic, confident, lonely, passionate Hometown: Brooklyn, NY Bio:

[DEATH TW]

Louisa doesn’t talk about her birth parents, simply because there’s nothing to talk about. Her father, she can assume, was never really in the picture, and her mother left her on the stoop of a fire department in the 99th precinct of New York City, so it’s not as if she cared. Louisa rarely thinks about her birth parents, if at all. The truth was, Consuelo Migdas was sixteen when she gave birth to Louisa, and wasn’t ready to have a family. She had hoped that by putting her daughter up for adoption, she’d be put into a good home.

It took twelve years for Louisa to be adopted. Twelve years for the world to show Louisa its cold nature. By the time she turned ten, Louisa had been carted to four different foster homes. Every time it looked like there was a promise of someone wanting to take her home, she ended up being returned like a blouse that didn’t fit quite right. Louisa quickly began losing hope that anybody would keep her for good. She’d be stuck in the foster system until she was eighteen years old, and then she’d become a ward of the state. She’d have to fend for herself in the extremely cruel city of New York.

If you asked her now, she’d tell you that it could have been much worse, but that’s very much in line with Louisa’s character. She’s not dramatic in that way. She’ll downplay anything to make you think she hasn’t suffered, she’s perfectly fine. But truthfully? Not having the unconditional love of a family had more of an impact on her than she’d ever care to admit. Louisa was awful in school– on the days she came in and wasn’t starving, she found that it was tough for her to concentrate. Numbers and words didn’t make sense. Once, as a Christmas gift, she was given a book from one of her teachers: Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. Louisa loved that they had the same name, and she loved the idea of growing up with four sisters who loved her and a mother who would do anything for her. All she wanted was a stable, consistent life.

Louisa found that she loved art from the very beginning, and would lose herself in drawings. She loved to play dress up.  She liked to take things, too. It started small, like a pack of gum or a candy bar. Nobody was any the wiser, and Louisa would never steal from the same place twice. She would steal art supplies from her school and only got caught once. Crying, she explained to her teacher that she only wanted to be able to draw at home. Three days later, she was gifted a beautiful set of over a hundred colored pencils. Every hue and shade Louisa could possibly imagine was in that set. She saved the nubs of those pencils and strung them together to make a necklace. It serves as a reminder for her– how far she’s come, and how much farther she has to go.

Things changed rapidly for the better when Mimi adopted her. At least, that’s how she introduced herself to Louisa: “I’m going to be your Mimi and we’re going to be very happy together.” It took Louisa a solid three months to believe her. If she could last longer than three months, that would be all. But Mimi showed her a home that was full of love, and a place where she was accepted. She had dinner every night, she had a quiet, cozy place to read her favorite book, and Mimi made sure she did all of her homework instead of roaming the streets.

It was when she was thirteen that she started going by Lola, if only because that’s what Mimi called her. When she asked why, Mimi would start singing the song from Damn Yankees– whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. And honestly, Lola wasn’t used to being spoiled. She wasn’t used to someone loving her. She wasn’t used to a real home.

When she applied to FIT, she put the design on the side and instead chose to focus on the modeling aspect. She got her degree, fine, but found herself loving the idea of being someone’s muse. Someone’s obsession. Someone’s love. Lola began to become heavily involved in making her own clothing, with the sewing machine that had been passed down from Mimi’s dressmaking mother right into Lola’s greedy little hands. It cost them a fortune to send her to college, but Mimi swore Lola was going to be on the cover every fashion magazine someday. Lola assured Mimi that she was too short, and focused on building a following via social media, something that she keeps up with today.

Lola’s life couldn’t be without one more tragedy, though. Mimi was cleaning the floor of their apartment in Brooklyn when she slipped on a puddle and hit her head. The injury resulted in dementia-like symptoms, not uncommon in Mimi’s age. After calling emergency services, Lola was told that there was nothing more that the doctors could do. Mimi was transferred to a care facility in Queens, and Lola visits her as faithfully as she can. Mimi is lucid sometimes, but often has no idea who Lola is other than the nice girl who visits her and sketches her.

Mimi’s current state has broken Lola’s heart. She’s picked up a few random jobs trying to make some extra cash– including dancing at a burlesque club (she insists it’s for the glamor of it all, but it’s mostly because she likes the attention), modeling for a series of painting classes (again, Lola likes attention), and working as a make-up artist. All the money she makes goes to pay for Mimi’s care, and to keep her room full of fresh flowers. Lola feels lost, understandably so, which is why she’s been so happy to join April’s Growers. It’s given her a new sense of purpose, even if sometimes she’s still kind of sad. Lola is doing the best that she can to juggle her odd jobs, her newfound roommates, her beloved mother, and pursuing what she loves.

Pets:  Lola recently rescued a French bulldog puppy named Donatella, who she loves more than life itself. Relationships:

[WANTED CONNECTIONS: Roommate for Nicola & Kitty, April’s Grower]

Santana Lopez

All things considered, they should be rivals– they’re both Latinas who can sing, they’re both drop dead gorgeous, and they usually go for the same modeling gigs– but Lola and Santana have somehow managed to become friends. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re now prone to admire each other’s beauty as often as they can in someone’s bedroom.

Reggie Clifton

Ah, how does Lola even begin to describe Reggie Clifton? They met at a rally in the city more than a year ago, which is only too fitting for the both of them.  Lola fell for Reggie and she fell very hard. They flirted, they messed around a lot, and when they admitted that they had feelings for each other, it was peppered with the worst thing Lola’s ever heard: I like you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Reggie, apparently, wasn’t ready, and Lola took her broken heart all the way back to Brooklyn and away from Acup. She’s come back around, though, and Lola is wasting no time in showing Reggie what she passed up.

X Scott

X and Lola have a really beautiful relationship, based on a mutual love of art. Lola has become something of a muse to X, and she’s always willing to pose for a photo or painting. They’re very much kindred spirits and Lola would go to the ends of the earth for X.

Nicola De Rocha & Kitty Wilde

Her roommates, but also her best friends. She’s only moved in with them recently, after Mimi’s death. Her Brooklyn home got to be too quiet, and Lola loves their chatter. Lola thinks of them as three larger-than-life personalities who could gossip until the sun comes up. She’s not so subtly hinting to Kitty that she wants to shoot at Vogue, and always dropping her wishlist to Nicola. She loves her roommates and would do anything for them.

EXTRA INFO

lola/lolalvarez/description: some women fear the fire. some women simply become it.

Five latest tweets:

@lolalvarez: @PamelaLansbury if y'all decide that the internal dating becomes to be too much and you need a new member, my door is open #justsaying @lolalvarez: I posted a makeup tutorial from my latest photoshoot on Instagram, please continue to @ me and tell me how pretty I am. @lolalvarez: DO YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF MY DOG? @donatellanotversace @lolalvarez: I could go to Central Park, or I could binge ANTM. Or, I could order Insomnia cookies #3amthoughtswithLola @lolalvarez: @nicoladerocha @awildecard Tell me I’m pretty.

[aesthetically-disastrous]

we dont talk ever but what happened with the cashier?? im so curious

(this turned into an incredibly long post i got caught up in reliving the moment sorry lmfao ill put it under a read more later)

honestly its SO stupid and now that i think abt it was it even a roast??????? probably not but listen i died and went to hell and then died again

i was at the movies to see thor 3 for the third time and i went to the concession stand and it was p empty and i had like 20 minutes until the film so i was chill as fuck i was like what bs am i gonna spend money on today??? OH those huge ass thor ragnarok cups look cool, ill get iced tea, done.

i go up to the guy, and i ask how much those cups were and he immediately said “oh theyre $22” and in my head i was like what the fuck holy fucking shit its just a cup???? but ofc im too socially fucking stupid to say no to tht so i said YES (also i didnt wanna be like “oh really???¿¿¿¿” bc tht sounds accusatory to me and i didnt want him to think i was blaming him on prices and he’d already taken the cup out so i didnt wanna make him put it back) and after i said alright i went “can i get iced tea-” and he stops me and gives me like 18 different facial expressions and goes “wait, REALLY??? really you wanna pay $22 for THIS??? for this- this???? i mean, what, a cup?? its gor, what, thor?? i guess hes kinda jacked on it, but $22????!!!” and so now i feel like a moron so im backpedaling MAD HARD like “oh haha ur right, thats a lot, uh ill just get a medium- i mean hes ripped but i can just see him in the movies- its stupid haha im paying so much for the movie so uh the cups just whatever hahagaaggg” and we’re talking over each other and i am RED AS A FUCKING TOMATO

and then. and then he goes “its not ACTUALLY $22, u can get it, i dont care” and its at this point that i FINALLY realize hes fucking with me, its just a joke that im taking WAY too seriously (he was tryna joke with me and i got so into it i made it worse than i had to be) and im still red and stuttering like crazy WISHING i didnt ask for the stupid fucking cup!!!! so i go “oh, how much is it then??” and he goes “i dont know i have no idea” like????¿¿¿¿??? and i was ABOUT TO SAY “”“but you work here”“” and i realized how lowkey douchey tht sounded (bc just bc he works there doesnt mean he knows the prices for everything) so i DIDNT say that and the cup was like $6 or $8 so whatever i pay for the shit and im STILL TALKING im still trying to justify my $22 cup necessity and im trying to explain to him how i rarely buy stuff, i dont go out AT all so its nbd to me, how this is my third time seeing the movie, and then he starts grilling me on the movie itself and im DYING bc i been at this counter for over 8 or 9 minutes now and theres a line forming and im sweating bc i wanna go find a seat but i dont wanna be rude and im trying to tell him the movie is good, its fresh its funny its new and he just. leans against the counter and starts telling me abt his week. abt how he works 2 jobs and 50+ hours a week and how hes not even supposed to be here today and im like “oh yeah haha i know how that is” (because i do but i dont tell my customers that???¿¿¿¿) and my face is still red and he looks like he doesnt believe me bc im wearing a yellow sweater with the word “disruption” on it, willing to pay $22 for a cup, watching a superhero movie for the third time, ON MY OWN, and OF COURSE shit doesnt even end there, he tell me it comes with a topper (those lil action figure things of the characters) and he asks me which one i want but my visons black bc im so embarassed so i tell him to give me whatever, it doesnt matter, and i try to bring the joke back im like “haha which ones the one that costs $22 ;^))))))” and he gives me the strangest look and goes “none of them cost $22??? u can just pick whatever u want….” AS IF THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION DIDNT HAPPEN. and theres still a line forming behind me so im like pls fam ……whichever one pls let me leave….and so he pulls out like the entire fucking cast and crew of thor ragnarok and starts naming them all. and im fucking losing my mind. and he gets to like hela and valkyrie and hes like “i dont know who these are bc i havent had time to see the movie bc i work too much i only slept 3 hours last nignt” and im like kill me kill me kill me kill me

and im like…begging this guy…im like please…..just give me Whichever i dont care please………and he gives me Another Weird Look and goes “its up to u??? you get to choose” ans im like KILL ME but i actually say “haha it doesnt matter” and then my brain decides i want thor and he gives me hulk and he gives me a look like hes daring me too say something else to embarass myself so im like whatever!!!! im done im done!!!!!

so i shove literally all my shit into my pockets and full on book it away from tht counter with just “holy shit” on repeat in my head

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)